Forget those guys, we the Knights Hospitaliser, not related to the Knights Hospitaller, are looking for volunteers to join us as we invade Denmark.
You will have to forgo displaying sexual and/or romantic feelings as well, but, we provide free garlic bread, battle training and free healthcare for absolutely anything you could desire.
Join us on our crusade to establish the first and only kingdom for asexual and aromantics, and become an honoured guest in our great (future) nation.
Recruiting for a group that requires its members to forgo displaying sexual and romantic feelings on the reddit page r slash one nine six is bold quite bold in fact. This is a result of the reddit page mentioned being a common meeting spot for many horny and lovesick losers and saddos. Alas if I was not one of said members your boldness which you displayed in posting said advertisement here might have convinced the likes of me to join you. However despite my own inability to join you on this quest I wish you luck and hope that great vaults of gold might be opened to you that you might gain success quickly.
I wish you luck brother. Whether you’re able to come to an understanding with them or you must move on, I know you will do what’s right for both of you and I believe you have the strength. Life is difficult and complicated. Much love.
I appreciate it dude, a few months ago they actually did ask me out and we dated for like, a day, but then they broke up with me because of the whole trans thing (I would assume that they didn’t consider it before asking me out), and just having a stressful life in general. They are now one of my closest friends though, and I love being with them. However, I think it’s safe to say I haven’t moved on, I am still hurt by this whole thing and I think I can feel subtle romantic tension between us at times. It looks like they moved on quick though, and I’m not proud to admit this, but it confuses and even slightly bugs me that they don’t feel the same pain as I do, considering that they seem to still like me as well. I know it’s not healthy to feel that way, but I’ve always been one to dwell in the past way too much; it’s been one of my most fatal flaws as a person. This makes it especially painful for me, since I have to accept there is no going back to the romance. This is all there is now, and no one has an issue with it except me. This is all me, all the conflict is within myself regarding my love for them, nothing is going to happen externally, and trying to get back together with them would obviously be a dick move unless I somehow realize I’m bisexual. In general, I can’t do anything externally without ruining the platonic bond I have with them, which is so strong yet so fragile; just today, I said hi to them in the hallway, and I didn’t hear their response, so I thought they ignored me on purpose. I was in a state of such panic and misery for like an hour or so, until I was able to see them again and I found out that they supposedly did wave back at me, which I really hope is true. Sorry to give such a huge rant, I appreciate your concern though.
I’ve been in a very similar place to where you are now. You’re young, so you really just need to grow and live life for yourself as you develop into a stronger person. The only advice I can give you is that sometimes, as much as it sucks, friendships can’t always work out if it only hurts you. If you truly think it’s good to be friends with them, then do, but you shouldn’t do so if it’s only for their sake but it’s hurting you. It’s not easy to do, but sometimes it’s for the best. Also, just make sure to be as honest with them as possible. Again, you really just need to experience these things and learn for yourself, but either way I wish you luck.
I think I still care about them on a platonic level, though sometimes I question if I care about anyone of if I just care about my relationship with them; that’s a different story though. In terms of being honest, I don’t exactly know what you mean by that. I assume they know I still like them, but nevertheless, I don’t see what benefit bringing up my attraction to them will bring; if anything, it will just reopen wounds from our romantic history. I’ve always fantasized about bringing it up with her though, out of the mere idea that we could be together, but deep down I know that we won’t be together again, and even if we were, it would ultimately be unhealthy in the long run for obvious reasons. The ONLY scenario where I could get my happy ending is if they just somehow un-trans themselves, which is obviously a ridiculous idea, but nevertheless the scenario runs through my mind constantly. Now, this is not to say that I don’t have constant doubts about our friendship as well, but that happens with all my closest friends because that’s just what I do. I know I’m young, and I know that self-fulfillment is the endgame, and that this may pass, but right now, I don’t see a life outside of my relationships. I have almost no self confidence. Thank you for the advice man
Ok, I'm not trying to invalidate you but
Maybe evaluate your sexuality with care - took me till I was 19 to realize I liked boys, and this could be the first sign. Just a thought, not trying to push anything on you
I feel like I can only call confidently call myself bi if I get attracted to a cis male, since trans males might still have feminine qualities and I could be attracted to those qualities rather than their real gender. I’m not trying to say trans males aren’t males, I deeply apologize if I come off like that. I’m just saying that I can only imagine myself being attracted to them as a male through what little femininity they still may have. Of course, this varies from person to person, other people can reliably indicate their sexuality based on attraction to a trans person, but I’m a little unsure in that department.
I kinda felt the same way for a while, and eventually realized that I just have a preference for
A) femininity
B) afab people
It wasn't that I was totally disgusted by male sex organs, just that i preferred female. I could really only be attracted to someone who's amab if they present in a feminine way.
You clearly aren't transphobic, but it does seem like you're just...confused. figuring things out - which is totally ok, you hsve lots of time to get to know your own sexuality. Just make sure to have an open mind and maybe expect that you'll surprise yourself
Appreciate it mate, I’m hoping that some day soon I’ll take the queer pill and maybe have a shot with them. Assuming they’d still want to date me, that is. Now that I think about it, would they even want to be with me if I were into guys? Were they not being genuine when they said they still like me? Should I ask them if they’d date me if I was bi??? Shit man, I hate being like this
Ok, I got through to you, thank god
OK SO, you shouldn't worry about whether or not they were being disingenuous - cause, well, why would this trans gay man suddenly care if the person they liked was also gay. That would just be better for them, so don't worry even a little bit on that front.
You should ask them. I guarantee the answer would be yes if they still have feelings for you, but I think it might be better for your state of mind if you get thay confirmation from him directly. I also get being super indecisive and confused and anxious - trust me, that's my daily routine
Alright, but no promises that I’m not gonna stay cishet my whole life.
I guess I’m more so concerned of whether or not they still do like me, since they seem unfazed by the breakup, even going as far to say it was just one day (which it was, but I thought it would mean a little more to them), which I can’t tell if I should be worried about or not.
Also what??? You fr? You think I should ask them?? I was mostly just thinking out loud, I wasn’t expecting you to say I should, lol. Wouldn’t it make things awkward?
If they were unfazed, but claimed later on they still had feelings for you, I dunno what to think. I'd personally pose the "if I was bi, would you date me?" question out of curiosity to see whether they were being honest about their feelings
And, I mean ultimately its up to whether or not they'd interpret you being anxious and curious about your sexuality as something to put you down for and view you as awkward - if so, fuck them
I guess that might work, idk when I’ll find the right time to do it though.
Also, I don’t think they’d interpret it as me questioning my sexuality at all, which it isn’t- it’s just me seeing if they’re still into me, and they will probably figure that out.
If I were them, I’d be wanting for you to go on the journey of self discovery first, and to hear that you’re not attached to the ‘straight’ label, but just into them and letting feelings go first and labels come second
But I’d need to hear that you’re Not currently understanding yourself as straight, even if you don’t know what you are yet
You could watch ‘heartstopper’ on netflix—it’s a beautiful love story between >!a gay kid and a bi kid who didn’t know he was bi before he started liking the gay kid!<
the reason he probably doesn’t want to date you is because you label yourself as straight. As a trans guy, that would make me uncomfortable. It probably makes him dysphoric that you’re attracted to his “feminine” qualities since you’re equating that to womanhood.
I mean, yeah, I’m sure that is the reason. Here’s the thing though: I am straight. Nothing can change that, unless it turns out I wasn’t straight this whole time.
Just a thought. If you're attracted to the person stop caring so much about what it is and how to label and just fucking go for it. Don't be a dick don't hurt the other person and don't fixate on what it means or says about you. If you love that person or whatever then fuck it. Who cares about there bits if the feelings are there they are there. If it works out it works out. At least that's what I would do. Be frank with the person tell them I have feelings for them and that I have feelings for them and that's all I'm concerned about. (Regarding like labels and all that, obviously their consent and comfort is important)
You need to consider what they think though, not just me. Even if I was comfortable dating a transitioning man, which I’m not, they aren’t comfortable dating a straight male because it would make them feel dysphoria.
>I feel like I can only call confidently call myself bi if
So I haven't read through every post here, and I'm also coming from a cishet make perspective... but how come there's the "if"? Don't worry about what qualifiers you need to have in order to call yourself something. If this person is someone you want to be with, just be with them. Their gender might end up mattering a lot less than you think it does. It might not be the case, but at least you'll have given it a shot - just be honest with them and with yourself about it the whole way through.
A very good friend of mine came out as a trans woman a few years back. Her girlfriend at the time was cishet, and if I recall they were still fairly early on in their relationship. They just bought a house together this winter.
Love the *person*, not their gender - they're still the same person they always were, they just finally feel comfortable enough to be honest with themselves and the world about it now. The label doesn't really mean anything.
That's just what I think. Do what works best for both of you.
You can be attracted to femininity as a trait and still don’t care what gender the person is; kinda like how there are heaps of cishet men who prefer muscular and more tomboyish women. Props to you for evaluating your orientation and not immediately clam up, as these romantic feelings have clearly awakened things in you. Regardless of what you find, you’ll come out the other end a little bit wiser. Godspeed in this journey of yours, I wish you well in whatever outcome comes of this.
I have heard of people in similar situations having successful relationships. Don’t let how you label yourself be a cage from what you want. You may not be able to imagine yourself as being with a man, but it sounds like you can see yourself being with HIM.
My spouse is aro/ace (they feel no romantic or sexual attraction towards me or anyone else) and we have a very successful relationship. It was difficult at first for both of us and involved several break-ups, but we made it work.
As a trans person (who knows other trans people), I think I know why he seemed to be able to move on. He probably has anxiety about being with someone who might see him as a woman. That is the main relationship concern of most trans people I know.
I say you ask him out and see how it goes. At worst, you break up and end the same place you are now. Be honest. Make sure to validate him. Maybe buy him a binder or some masculine clothing. Reassure him it is not (only) about being attracted to his body.
(Keep in mind that he probably will be hesitant to have sex. You need to go slow and not put pressure on him. If you do end up doing anything, go slow and stay away from any areas that might cause him dysphoria unless he says otherwise.)
It's alright to feel the way you do. You can't really control your emotions, after all. The only thing that matters is that you don't take it out on them, since they can't really control how they feel either.
Being on the other side of this, I left a Cishet man (for many reasons, and a long time ago) to find myself, and I knew transition was the one major thing that needed to happen above all else
It was my hardest breakup and the pain lasted years, but in my mind I was choosing between myself/ my life and death; the state of ‘not transitioning’ was basically living a half-life with no enthusiasm…which to me felt like slow suicide that could take 80 years
I can never date someone whose sexual orientation is in conflict with my gender, and if someone reads me as a woman and falls in love with me as a woman, it’s EXTREMELY distressing; OP you might be straight or you might not be, but that is for you to figure out; it’s is not this trans guy’s emotional labor to do; if you do soul searching and realize you could fall in love with him as a man…that’s a different story (and if that’s the case, that’s an exciting journey of self discovery for OP)
However, I imagine your friend may be feeling pain, but perhaps also the danger to their psyche and sense of self if they feel even slightly pressured to be in the closet/deny themselves their transition (and therefore their life)
I was going through a similar situation. I fell in love with a trans girl, she initially didnt want a relationship (she is aromantic I think) but then was gaslight by her friends to try. All this time together was so good for me, but she didnt want to lie to me, which is totally understandable. Noone is to blame to have (or not to have) feelings. We ended up going seperate ways, because I was too afraid to contact her and maybe have the feelings come back. I didnt want to go through that hell again, so I gaslight myself into believing it was all her fault (which it wasnt ofc). I was perfectly able to live with this, until a fateful day not long ago, when a friend told me she wanted to talk to me. That brought back the feelings, good and bad ones alike. I ended up talking to her, we talked about the relation ship that was over for 2 years now. During that talk, I realized I cant go on as if nothing has happened, but I didnt really knew what else to do. When talking to my friends about this, we came to the conclusion to have her back in our discord group, so I can slowly get to know her again, as a new person. Ever though sometimes I wonder if it can even work, I am confident that I can overcome my feelings for her and somehow, one day we can be friends again.
And if I can look confident into the future, trust me bro, you can be too. You will find a way to deal with your feelings, just as I have
> and I’m not proud to admit this, but it confuses and even slightly bugs me that they don’t feel the same pain as I do, considering that they seem to still like me as well.
That’s so good damn relateable dude.
rust is really hard to initially learn but then it becomes relatively easy to pick up new things with the language, vs something like C that is always stagnant on how hard it is to learn new stuff
if you are separating rust and rust macros then i would accept this answer (rust macros are even worse)
well for c you dont learn new stuff because there isnt anything new to learn (this is just like asm)
haskell is pretty good but im even smaller brain for functional programming
lisp on the other hand... burn in hell who tf came up with (function parameters...) and thought it was a good idea to expose it to humans what is (+ 2 4) please functional programming isnt bad but this is not the way to do it why operators and their precedences exist for a reason they exist because humans understand them that way please we are humans not ast we dont parse parentheses just to read an equation or a function or anything please
javascript users when i tell them to repeat a string k times (they need to do it in nlogn time because the language is designed that poorly)
it is an absolute abomination to our society which needs to get abolished from existence asap
I mean I feel 9/10 times you might as well just use std::bind to encapsulate it into a proper object.
But on the other hand, I get visceral satisfaction from using raw pointers.
I guess my opinion is to use std::function in code that other people might see (i.e. job), but use whatever makes you happy in personal projects.
Funnily enough, I've been using Boost ASIO a lot for work lately, so I've been doing the std::bind method...
I had something happen like that!
Be egg, fall in love with person, they are lesbian, find out I’m trans and bi, transition, find out they transitioned too and are now a boy, they are gay. God swerved me TWICE with that
This has happened to me multiple times. When I told my dad about it, he said it’s happened to him AND MY UNCLES multiple times. Apparently it’s just a family curse
Perhaps my constant paranoia and anxiety revolving around my social life, and the ability for my mood the entire day to be complete altered based on whether or not one person says hi to me in the hallway. My life is in the hands of those around me, I constantly switch from feeling I am sabotaging all my relationships to feeling that there never was one to begin with. The next worst thing after that would probably be to fail in academics.
Awwwwww sending you kindness
If you’re curious about getting better, you WILL get better; it may seem forever away, but the only way you get there is one step at a time; I hope you walk the path of healing and self discovery
Similar thing happened to me a few years ago. I was dating someone who came out to me as a trans man about 8 months into the relationship. At the time I still thought I was straight.
We broke up, and flash forward like 5-6 months, I come out as bi.
Uhhhhh OP this is a pretty bi thing to say 😭
I really feel for you, it can be hard and confusing, but what If you let love lead the way?
Even tho he’s not medically transitioned yet, I’m betting his essence is masculine…OP you can ask yourself: did you fall in love with his essence? Or his current body parts/projection of the cis-het life together?
While their personality is certainly part of it, I think it’s safe to say that looks also play a major part in my attraction to anyone; without the physical attraction, I’m not attracted to them at all.
I am a straight male, meaning I am only attracted to girls. I am attracted to this person because they appear as a girl now, but in a few years, they will transition into a male. I am not attracted to males. We can’t date because 1. I likely won’t be attracted to them anymore after the transition, and 2. them dating a straight man will make them feel like a girl.
I have been in almost your exact position. I was a cishet male and he was a cishet female at the time. Came out as trans during our relationship. The relationship didn’t have a happy ended but we remain friends.
Best thing you can do is just rip of the bandage and give up on it asap. Save yourself a slow sad departure and work on just being friends.
I mean like, you’ll need to come to terms with the fact that certain things won’t happen. I get the feeling you’re pretty young and may not have a great deal of experience with things like heartbreak (lucky you!) but it always heals, at least in my experience.
You need to accept that the relationship you desired and the future you may have evisaged won’t happen. But it’s not like you’ve lost something, really. It’s more like something you wanted can’t happen, and was never going to be able to happen. Forces beyond your control made it impossible.
In my above example, we had a solid couple of years of teenage romance before he came out as trans. We had plans of getting married and having kids and going the distance. And it was beautiful, some of it, for a time. I’m massively oversimplifying for the sake of example. The relationship wasn’t so great and we were both pretty mentally unwell and not suited to be in relationships at all, let alone together, but that didn’t really register at the time. I held on to those dreams, even as they became impossible, and that’s what hurt me. It wasn’t til I accepted that I hadn’t lost anything, but that that future was always impossible, that I healed. In a sense, I gave up on that relationship, for the sake of myself. And things got better. I’ve loved and been loved since then, with much healthier relationships. Some longer and some shorter and all of them happier.
The future’s bright, friend.
I had the same thing with a cis guy except he wanted me to be a femboy even though I act very masc. Asking for shit like me not doing top surgery cuz he liked how I was before. Glad to see that some cis people are reasonable at least, lol.
from what I understand, op is straight, and was dating a person who, at the time, identified as a cis girl. since then, the person he was dating came out as a trans man, and they no longer think that their relationship will work.
Actually, I think this trans thing was happening way before we dated. I think the problem is that they acted on their feelings for me without thinking of the consequences, and instantly realized what they did later.
>Fuck me I guess
Sounds like the opposite is happening tbh
(I’m sorry, I had to get that dig in, I hope you’ll find yourself in a happy relationship soon)
>I haven’t even tried anything
>I’m a minor
I have to say dude, was going through this thread and really feeling for you and reading this was honestly kind of a relief in a way. What I mean is that what you’re going through right now is an extremely common experience (maybe not all the exact details like your crush being a trans man, but the heartache for sure), and one that most people manage to pull themselves through. Many if not most folks during their teenage years have that guy/girl that they fall for who feels like they’re the only person they’ll ever love but more often than not they can eventually move on.
I guess all I’m trying to say is that, while it might not be much comfort at the moment, experience tells me that you’ll almost definitely pull through this sooner or later. You’re at an age where pretty soon a big wide world of new people and new experiences is going to open up to you and as these new encounters enrich you, your outlook will probably change for the better
My advice would honestly be to not worry about it too much. Gender and sexuality are a weird, fluid mess of biological urges and social influences. We slap labels onto these things because it makes it easier for us to understand them, but the labels themselves don't mean anything.
Maybe it turns out them transitioning ends up making you sexually or socially incompatible, but cis couples end up sexually and socially incompatible all the time. I say, if you love this dude, just go for it.
Better to have loved and lost homie, if you both wanna give it a shot, why not? If the relationship falls apart after he transitions then it sucks, but you'll probably enjoy your time together a hell of a lot more than just doing nothing.
My last GF died of covid, so you know, couldn't be with her anymore, hurt like hell, a comperableish situation. (Person you were in love with gone). However never in my life have I regretted being with her, even if it ended in heartbreak. All relationships do. What you must ask yourself is: Are protecting your feelings in the future (which will eventually be hurt by someone or something else regardless) worth more than having a good life right now?
Hope my thoughts help.
If you read my other comments, you’ll find we did date for a day, before I found out about the trans thing. And yeah, I agree that, as much as it sucks to admit it, it is better in the long term for us to not date due to the things that would happen in the future, and that’s why they broke up with me anyways.
Had this happen to me several times too. As someone who is transmasc nb, I sadly had many cishet guys that fell in love. All i can say is
Skill issue.
(But being serious, i’m sorry bud. Sometimes it just happens like that. Human sexuality is really interesting.)
Well, no, I am still in love with them. However, in their current “form”, they are a female, but we both know that they will transition in a few years, and I most likely won’t be into them anymore; even if I were, it would probably be for their feminine qualities, rather than their newfound masculinity. I can only imagine the dysphoria dating a straight man would cause.
Hey as an enby, I really appreciate all the thought you’ve put into understanding that dynamic there. My partner loves me for him, them, her, and whatever.
If he only loved me for her, he wouldn’t be loving me. And I might have broken my own heart trying to be what he wanted.
You’re saving him that confusion and pain. You’re thinking of him as he is. You are a truly caring and empathetic friend, thank you ❤️
Hey, Cishet man who has been in a similar situation, your feelings and difficulties are valid. I can say it will be a hard time but you will feel better and happy in your friendship when its done.
Trans guy here, I've experienced that except the other way around. It sucks 🥲
Especially because you know the person likes you for all the things you hate about yourself.
Yet I'm also here, primarily attracted to guys, falling in love with trans girls for their masculine features 😭
Therefore, let's all cry together
I feel you man my ex bf was trans and it was definitely hard at times, but just coming to an understanding about what you both want and need can make all the difference, and sometimes these things just don’t work out, big ups my guy wish you well.
I’m currently in a similar situation with someone I’ve been with for 6+ years. It’s a difficult situation but ultimately they are still the same person you love and now they are happier
you don't have to be bi to still find him attractive. it's not good to think of labels like that. you are you, and you like who you like, labels are used after the fact to describe those parts of yourself, not beforehand to create limits.
I’ve seen this take a lot, but labels are not constraints to me, they fluctuate alongside identity. As of now, I am not bi, and while I am using that to justify me probably not liking them after transition, if that changes, then I will be bi.
When I was younger, I had a friend, both of us are trans. At the time, we were both pre-transition, to the point that I don't think either of us even knew. I like women, and they like guys. So, since we were presenting as each other's interest, we had some moments. We were kind of into each other. Then we both transitioned, and basically swapped genders. So, y'know, I don't regret the moments we had, but it's different now.
Shit's weird sometimes.
Best I can do is say that you talk to them about this, assuming you haven't already. It's good to be honest about how you feel, and approach as maturely as you can.
[I explain that in this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/196/comments/wwqddf/to_love_is_to_suffer_rule/iloyvqv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
I shit you not that is the exact question one of their friends asked me the moment we got together lmao
The answer is no, when we started dating I was gonna learn but then I lost all motivation after the breakup, I still can’t make a grilled cheese to this day 😔
Forswear all romantic relationships and join the knights templar
Forget those guys, we the Knights Hospitaliser, not related to the Knights Hospitaller, are looking for volunteers to join us as we invade Denmark. You will have to forgo displaying sexual and/or romantic feelings as well, but, we provide free garlic bread, battle training and free healthcare for absolutely anything you could desire. Join us on our crusade to establish the first and only kingdom for asexual and aromantics, and become an honoured guest in our great (future) nation.
Recruiting for a group that requires its members to forgo displaying sexual and romantic feelings on the reddit page r slash one nine six is bold quite bold in fact. This is a result of the reddit page mentioned being a common meeting spot for many horny and lovesick losers and saddos. Alas if I was not one of said members your boldness which you displayed in posting said advertisement here might have convinced the likes of me to join you. However despite my own inability to join you on this quest I wish you luck and hope that great vaults of gold might be opened to you that you might gain success quickly.
Hey, i resent that
Free garlic bread? Count me in Edit: it was a free nft and I thought it looked cool, but thx for the ban
NFT pfp
Unfortunately no NFT avatars are allowed to join, sorry :(
Already part of it. Just suggesting inroad alternatives for those who aren’t asexual (yet)
I’m in Denmark right now. Can I be a sleeper agent?
pwease don't invade my home country 🥺
And then die in each others arms defending an excavation site (64) from a zombie invasion from another dimension
So true bestie
I wish you luck brother. Whether you’re able to come to an understanding with them or you must move on, I know you will do what’s right for both of you and I believe you have the strength. Life is difficult and complicated. Much love.
I appreciate it dude, a few months ago they actually did ask me out and we dated for like, a day, but then they broke up with me because of the whole trans thing (I would assume that they didn’t consider it before asking me out), and just having a stressful life in general. They are now one of my closest friends though, and I love being with them. However, I think it’s safe to say I haven’t moved on, I am still hurt by this whole thing and I think I can feel subtle romantic tension between us at times. It looks like they moved on quick though, and I’m not proud to admit this, but it confuses and even slightly bugs me that they don’t feel the same pain as I do, considering that they seem to still like me as well. I know it’s not healthy to feel that way, but I’ve always been one to dwell in the past way too much; it’s been one of my most fatal flaws as a person. This makes it especially painful for me, since I have to accept there is no going back to the romance. This is all there is now, and no one has an issue with it except me. This is all me, all the conflict is within myself regarding my love for them, nothing is going to happen externally, and trying to get back together with them would obviously be a dick move unless I somehow realize I’m bisexual. In general, I can’t do anything externally without ruining the platonic bond I have with them, which is so strong yet so fragile; just today, I said hi to them in the hallway, and I didn’t hear their response, so I thought they ignored me on purpose. I was in a state of such panic and misery for like an hour or so, until I was able to see them again and I found out that they supposedly did wave back at me, which I really hope is true. Sorry to give such a huge rant, I appreciate your concern though.
I’ve been in a very similar place to where you are now. You’re young, so you really just need to grow and live life for yourself as you develop into a stronger person. The only advice I can give you is that sometimes, as much as it sucks, friendships can’t always work out if it only hurts you. If you truly think it’s good to be friends with them, then do, but you shouldn’t do so if it’s only for their sake but it’s hurting you. It’s not easy to do, but sometimes it’s for the best. Also, just make sure to be as honest with them as possible. Again, you really just need to experience these things and learn for yourself, but either way I wish you luck.
I think I still care about them on a platonic level, though sometimes I question if I care about anyone of if I just care about my relationship with them; that’s a different story though. In terms of being honest, I don’t exactly know what you mean by that. I assume they know I still like them, but nevertheless, I don’t see what benefit bringing up my attraction to them will bring; if anything, it will just reopen wounds from our romantic history. I’ve always fantasized about bringing it up with her though, out of the mere idea that we could be together, but deep down I know that we won’t be together again, and even if we were, it would ultimately be unhealthy in the long run for obvious reasons. The ONLY scenario where I could get my happy ending is if they just somehow un-trans themselves, which is obviously a ridiculous idea, but nevertheless the scenario runs through my mind constantly. Now, this is not to say that I don’t have constant doubts about our friendship as well, but that happens with all my closest friends because that’s just what I do. I know I’m young, and I know that self-fulfillment is the endgame, and that this may pass, but right now, I don’t see a life outside of my relationships. I have almost no self confidence. Thank you for the advice man
Ok, I'm not trying to invalidate you but Maybe evaluate your sexuality with care - took me till I was 19 to realize I liked boys, and this could be the first sign. Just a thought, not trying to push anything on you
I feel like I can only call confidently call myself bi if I get attracted to a cis male, since trans males might still have feminine qualities and I could be attracted to those qualities rather than their real gender. I’m not trying to say trans males aren’t males, I deeply apologize if I come off like that. I’m just saying that I can only imagine myself being attracted to them as a male through what little femininity they still may have. Of course, this varies from person to person, other people can reliably indicate their sexuality based on attraction to a trans person, but I’m a little unsure in that department.
I kinda felt the same way for a while, and eventually realized that I just have a preference for A) femininity B) afab people It wasn't that I was totally disgusted by male sex organs, just that i preferred female. I could really only be attracted to someone who's amab if they present in a feminine way. You clearly aren't transphobic, but it does seem like you're just...confused. figuring things out - which is totally ok, you hsve lots of time to get to know your own sexuality. Just make sure to have an open mind and maybe expect that you'll surprise yourself
Appreciate it mate, I’m hoping that some day soon I’ll take the queer pill and maybe have a shot with them. Assuming they’d still want to date me, that is. Now that I think about it, would they even want to be with me if I were into guys? Were they not being genuine when they said they still like me? Should I ask them if they’d date me if I was bi??? Shit man, I hate being like this
Ok, I got through to you, thank god OK SO, you shouldn't worry about whether or not they were being disingenuous - cause, well, why would this trans gay man suddenly care if the person they liked was also gay. That would just be better for them, so don't worry even a little bit on that front. You should ask them. I guarantee the answer would be yes if they still have feelings for you, but I think it might be better for your state of mind if you get thay confirmation from him directly. I also get being super indecisive and confused and anxious - trust me, that's my daily routine
Alright, but no promises that I’m not gonna stay cishet my whole life. I guess I’m more so concerned of whether or not they still do like me, since they seem unfazed by the breakup, even going as far to say it was just one day (which it was, but I thought it would mean a little more to them), which I can’t tell if I should be worried about or not. Also what??? You fr? You think I should ask them?? I was mostly just thinking out loud, I wasn’t expecting you to say I should, lol. Wouldn’t it make things awkward?
If they were unfazed, but claimed later on they still had feelings for you, I dunno what to think. I'd personally pose the "if I was bi, would you date me?" question out of curiosity to see whether they were being honest about their feelings And, I mean ultimately its up to whether or not they'd interpret you being anxious and curious about your sexuality as something to put you down for and view you as awkward - if so, fuck them
I guess that might work, idk when I’ll find the right time to do it though. Also, I don’t think they’d interpret it as me questioning my sexuality at all, which it isn’t- it’s just me seeing if they’re still into me, and they will probably figure that out.
If I were them, I’d be wanting for you to go on the journey of self discovery first, and to hear that you’re not attached to the ‘straight’ label, but just into them and letting feelings go first and labels come second But I’d need to hear that you’re Not currently understanding yourself as straight, even if you don’t know what you are yet You could watch ‘heartstopper’ on netflix—it’s a beautiful love story between >!a gay kid and a bi kid who didn’t know he was bi before he started liking the gay kid!<
the reason he probably doesn’t want to date you is because you label yourself as straight. As a trans guy, that would make me uncomfortable. It probably makes him dysphoric that you’re attracted to his “feminine” qualities since you’re equating that to womanhood.
I mean, yeah, I’m sure that is the reason. Here’s the thing though: I am straight. Nothing can change that, unless it turns out I wasn’t straight this whole time.
Just a thought. If you're attracted to the person stop caring so much about what it is and how to label and just fucking go for it. Don't be a dick don't hurt the other person and don't fixate on what it means or says about you. If you love that person or whatever then fuck it. Who cares about there bits if the feelings are there they are there. If it works out it works out. At least that's what I would do. Be frank with the person tell them I have feelings for them and that I have feelings for them and that's all I'm concerned about. (Regarding like labels and all that, obviously their consent and comfort is important)
You need to consider what they think though, not just me. Even if I was comfortable dating a transitioning man, which I’m not, they aren’t comfortable dating a straight male because it would make them feel dysphoria.
Yeah….OP this comment is based You get it, sorry it’s so hard :/ Wishing you Best of luck
>I feel like I can only call confidently call myself bi if So I haven't read through every post here, and I'm also coming from a cishet make perspective... but how come there's the "if"? Don't worry about what qualifiers you need to have in order to call yourself something. If this person is someone you want to be with, just be with them. Their gender might end up mattering a lot less than you think it does. It might not be the case, but at least you'll have given it a shot - just be honest with them and with yourself about it the whole way through. A very good friend of mine came out as a trans woman a few years back. Her girlfriend at the time was cishet, and if I recall they were still fairly early on in their relationship. They just bought a house together this winter. Love the *person*, not their gender - they're still the same person they always were, they just finally feel comfortable enough to be honest with themselves and the world about it now. The label doesn't really mean anything. That's just what I think. Do what works best for both of you.
You can be attracted to femininity as a trait and still don’t care what gender the person is; kinda like how there are heaps of cishet men who prefer muscular and more tomboyish women. Props to you for evaluating your orientation and not immediately clam up, as these romantic feelings have clearly awakened things in you. Regardless of what you find, you’ll come out the other end a little bit wiser. Godspeed in this journey of yours, I wish you well in whatever outcome comes of this.
I have heard of people in similar situations having successful relationships. Don’t let how you label yourself be a cage from what you want. You may not be able to imagine yourself as being with a man, but it sounds like you can see yourself being with HIM. My spouse is aro/ace (they feel no romantic or sexual attraction towards me or anyone else) and we have a very successful relationship. It was difficult at first for both of us and involved several break-ups, but we made it work. As a trans person (who knows other trans people), I think I know why he seemed to be able to move on. He probably has anxiety about being with someone who might see him as a woman. That is the main relationship concern of most trans people I know. I say you ask him out and see how it goes. At worst, you break up and end the same place you are now. Be honest. Make sure to validate him. Maybe buy him a binder or some masculine clothing. Reassure him it is not (only) about being attracted to his body. (Keep in mind that he probably will be hesitant to have sex. You need to go slow and not put pressure on him. If you do end up doing anything, go slow and stay away from any areas that might cause him dysphoria unless he says otherwise.)
It's alright to feel the way you do. You can't really control your emotions, after all. The only thing that matters is that you don't take it out on them, since they can't really control how they feel either.
That's about as healthy as feelings come. Having irrational/selfish feelings is nothing to be ashamed of when you can identify and act against them.
Being on the other side of this, I left a Cishet man (for many reasons, and a long time ago) to find myself, and I knew transition was the one major thing that needed to happen above all else It was my hardest breakup and the pain lasted years, but in my mind I was choosing between myself/ my life and death; the state of ‘not transitioning’ was basically living a half-life with no enthusiasm…which to me felt like slow suicide that could take 80 years I can never date someone whose sexual orientation is in conflict with my gender, and if someone reads me as a woman and falls in love with me as a woman, it’s EXTREMELY distressing; OP you might be straight or you might not be, but that is for you to figure out; it’s is not this trans guy’s emotional labor to do; if you do soul searching and realize you could fall in love with him as a man…that’s a different story (and if that’s the case, that’s an exciting journey of self discovery for OP) However, I imagine your friend may be feeling pain, but perhaps also the danger to their psyche and sense of self if they feel even slightly pressured to be in the closet/deny themselves their transition (and therefore their life)
I was going through a similar situation. I fell in love with a trans girl, she initially didnt want a relationship (she is aromantic I think) but then was gaslight by her friends to try. All this time together was so good for me, but she didnt want to lie to me, which is totally understandable. Noone is to blame to have (or not to have) feelings. We ended up going seperate ways, because I was too afraid to contact her and maybe have the feelings come back. I didnt want to go through that hell again, so I gaslight myself into believing it was all her fault (which it wasnt ofc). I was perfectly able to live with this, until a fateful day not long ago, when a friend told me she wanted to talk to me. That brought back the feelings, good and bad ones alike. I ended up talking to her, we talked about the relation ship that was over for 2 years now. During that talk, I realized I cant go on as if nothing has happened, but I didnt really knew what else to do. When talking to my friends about this, we came to the conclusion to have her back in our discord group, so I can slowly get to know her again, as a new person. Ever though sometimes I wonder if it can even work, I am confident that I can overcome my feelings for her and somehow, one day we can be friends again. And if I can look confident into the future, trust me bro, you can be too. You will find a way to deal with your feelings, just as I have
> and I’m not proud to admit this, but it confuses and even slightly bugs me that they don’t feel the same pain as I do, considering that they seem to still like me as well. That’s so good damn relateable dude.
opinions on c++ member function pointers
I don’t know jackshit about programming, I don’t even know what a member function pointer is lol. Also flair check out
your flair? yes i definitely read it as access violation my flair? i would recommend not checking my comment history on here
Yoooo you’re that super based trans gd player, massive respect
omg im known now thanks lol
Anytime
They can fuck off, 🐍, ☕ and ⚙️ is where stuffs at.
rust: impossible for me (i have small brain) but good choice python: ok acceptable java: hell no i hate java to the absolute brim
what's your verdict on VHDL
if this is what i will need to use for embedded programming thank you for making me not interested in it anymore
nah that's mostly C (or C++) in all of its glory
thats good uwu
hardware 🥺
rust is really hard to initially learn but then it becomes relatively easy to pick up new things with the language, vs something like C that is always stagnant on how hard it is to learn new stuff
if you are separating rust and rust macros then i would accept this answer (rust macros are even worse) well for c you dont learn new stuff because there isnt anything new to learn (this is just like asm)
Agree to disagree and agree
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haskell is pretty good but im even smaller brain for functional programming lisp on the other hand... burn in hell who tf came up with (function parameters...) and thought it was a good idea to expose it to humans what is (+ 2 4) please functional programming isnt bad but this is not the way to do it why operators and their precedences exist for a reason they exist because humans understand them that way please we are humans not ast we dont parse parentheses just to read an equation or a function or anything please
☕️📜*
javascript users when i tell them to repeat a string k times (they need to do it in nlogn time because the language is designed that poorly) it is an absolute abomination to our society which needs to get abolished from existence asap
Ok I was on the fence about you with this method pointer shit, but no one who hates JS that much is all bad.
pointers are mad nice, especially for memory allocation
jesse what are you talking about
I mean I feel 9/10 times you might as well just use std::bind to encapsulate it into a proper object. But on the other hand, I get visceral satisfaction from using raw pointers. I guess my opinion is to use std::function in code that other people might see (i.e. job), but use whatever makes you happy in personal projects. Funnily enough, I've been using Boost ASIO a lot for work lately, so I've been doing the std::bind method...
rust better
ok but i have yet to see how is rust related to geometry dash modding and c++ member function pointers
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I feel like we have all been there at some point
yeah shit happens
Definitely dude 😔✊
I had something happen like that! Be egg, fall in love with person, they are lesbian, find out I’m trans and bi, transition, find out they transitioned too and are now a boy, they are gay. God swerved me TWICE with that
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The lord sure does seem to rarely giveth tho
Putting the L in the LGBT
i think I'm slightly delirious because no sleep, but that made me fucking cry. you are amazing.
damn god has like a vendetta against u or something
Similar story with me, except the HRT made the other person become bi, and they later wanted to get together.
Rivers Cuomo
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Should’ve seen the pink triangle
PINK TRIAANGLE OOON HER SLEEVE
Weezer moment
Same bro. This was before I discovered I was trans so it *could* have worked out
This has happened to me multiple times. When I told my dad about it, he said it’s happened to him AND MY UNCLES multiple times. Apparently it’s just a family curse
Same
Imao reminds me of when I let myself fall in love with a hetero girl
What's the next biggest L the universe can hand you?
Perhaps my constant paranoia and anxiety revolving around my social life, and the ability for my mood the entire day to be complete altered based on whether or not one person says hi to me in the hallway. My life is in the hands of those around me, I constantly switch from feeling I am sabotaging all my relationships to feeling that there never was one to begin with. The next worst thing after that would probably be to fail in academics.
Damn I hope you overcome those things.
thanks im showing my therapist this
He just like me fr
How the fuck did you get into my head bro?
Awwwwww sending you kindness If you’re curious about getting better, you WILL get better; it may seem forever away, but the only way you get there is one step at a time; I hope you walk the path of healing and self discovery
Hopefully you can be bros.
Can all the “you don’t really love him” posters in the thread get off their high horse? Physical attractions matters for most people.
Similar thing happened to me a few years ago. I was dating someone who came out to me as a trans man about 8 months into the relationship. At the time I still thought I was straight. We broke up, and flash forward like 5-6 months, I come out as bi.
Did you guys get back together? Sometimes, I wish I was bi, just so I could be with them.
No. Funnily enough, he actually broke up with me (for unrelated reasons). But we're still pretty good friends!
I’m glad y’all are still friends at least
Uhhhhh OP this is a pretty bi thing to say 😭 I really feel for you, it can be hard and confusing, but what If you let love lead the way? Even tho he’s not medically transitioned yet, I’m betting his essence is masculine…OP you can ask yourself: did you fall in love with his essence? Or his current body parts/projection of the cis-het life together?
While their personality is certainly part of it, I think it’s safe to say that looks also play a major part in my attraction to anyone; without the physical attraction, I’m not attracted to them at all.
whats your favorite type of chocolate
Milk
fuck yeah
Well there's your problem
Dark chocolate is inferior, I will die on this hill
Then die
As long as I can keep the hill 🥺
You should run up it and make a deal with god.
cucked take, dark choco is healthy and tasty and just all around superior
You really are losing huh
🤮
Why can you never be together?
I am a straight male, meaning I am only attracted to girls. I am attracted to this person because they appear as a girl now, but in a few years, they will transition into a male. I am not attracted to males. We can’t date because 1. I likely won’t be attracted to them anymore after the transition, and 2. them dating a straight man will make them feel like a girl.
I have been in almost your exact position. I was a cishet male and he was a cishet female at the time. Came out as trans during our relationship. The relationship didn’t have a happy ended but we remain friends. Best thing you can do is just rip of the bandage and give up on it asap. Save yourself a slow sad departure and work on just being friends.
What do you mean by giving up?
I mean like, you’ll need to come to terms with the fact that certain things won’t happen. I get the feeling you’re pretty young and may not have a great deal of experience with things like heartbreak (lucky you!) but it always heals, at least in my experience. You need to accept that the relationship you desired and the future you may have evisaged won’t happen. But it’s not like you’ve lost something, really. It’s more like something you wanted can’t happen, and was never going to be able to happen. Forces beyond your control made it impossible. In my above example, we had a solid couple of years of teenage romance before he came out as trans. We had plans of getting married and having kids and going the distance. And it was beautiful, some of it, for a time. I’m massively oversimplifying for the sake of example. The relationship wasn’t so great and we were both pretty mentally unwell and not suited to be in relationships at all, let alone together, but that didn’t really register at the time. I held on to those dreams, even as they became impossible, and that’s what hurt me. It wasn’t til I accepted that I hadn’t lost anything, but that that future was always impossible, that I healed. In a sense, I gave up on that relationship, for the sake of myself. And things got better. I’ve loved and been loved since then, with much healthier relationships. Some longer and some shorter and all of them happier. The future’s bright, friend.
Thanks dude, often times the hardest things in life is coming to terms with what you can’t control.
Just be gay??
If you’re homeless, just buy a home
REAL
Were you being sarcastic by the way? I have a hard time telling, I ask cuz you’re being upvoted despite saying a blatantly bigoted thing
I had the same thing with a cis guy except he wanted me to be a femboy even though I act very masc. Asking for shit like me not doing top surgery cuz he liked how I was before. Glad to see that some cis people are reasonable at least, lol.
As a straight guy that sometimes struggles to understand all this stuff, (but i fully support) what does that mean?
from what I understand, op is straight, and was dating a person who, at the time, identified as a cis girl. since then, the person he was dating came out as a trans man, and they no longer think that their relationship will work.
Actually, I think this trans thing was happening way before we dated. I think the problem is that they acted on their feelings for me without thinking of the consequences, and instantly realized what they did later.
:-(((( I’m sorry
I love someone who appears as a girl, but they will become a boy later, and I don’t like boys. That’s the simplest way I can put it.
I see, my condolences :(
Thanks man
Pansexual male, I don't have such weakness (Except I exclusively fall for straight boys and gay girls because fuck me I guess)
>Fuck me I guess Sounds like the opposite is happening tbh (I’m sorry, I had to get that dig in, I hope you’ll find yourself in a happy relationship soon)
Have you ever tried dick tho? its pretty good.
My guy I haven’t even tried anything 😭 Btw I probably should have said this in the post, but I’m a minor, it’s alright though you didn’t know.
you got time to figure shit out, im 23 and still sitting here like “hmmm maybe? nah. But maybe?”
>I haven’t even tried anything >I’m a minor I have to say dude, was going through this thread and really feeling for you and reading this was honestly kind of a relief in a way. What I mean is that what you’re going through right now is an extremely common experience (maybe not all the exact details like your crush being a trans man, but the heartache for sure), and one that most people manage to pull themselves through. Many if not most folks during their teenage years have that guy/girl that they fall for who feels like they’re the only person they’ll ever love but more often than not they can eventually move on. I guess all I’m trying to say is that, while it might not be much comfort at the moment, experience tells me that you’ll almost definitely pull through this sooner or later. You’re at an age where pretty soon a big wide world of new people and new experiences is going to open up to you and as these new encounters enrich you, your outlook will probably change for the better
Thanks man, I really hope it gets better, because right now I feel as though I can’t see beyond them and our relationship/friendship.
shit you too young to know for sure what you like then, experiment and stay safe.
Favorite Dinosaur?
Velociraptor
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Idc about fighting mate I just think they look cool
Who said anything about fighting?
💀
what about two?
What do you think of A-Train from The Boys?
Idk what that is
hes hot and i need him
My advice would honestly be to not worry about it too much. Gender and sexuality are a weird, fluid mess of biological urges and social influences. We slap labels onto these things because it makes it easier for us to understand them, but the labels themselves don't mean anything. Maybe it turns out them transitioning ends up making you sexually or socially incompatible, but cis couples end up sexually and socially incompatible all the time. I say, if you love this dude, just go for it.
Pro tip: you don’t have to date to be close to each other
Yeah I know, we are still super close friends
Better to have loved and lost homie, if you both wanna give it a shot, why not? If the relationship falls apart after he transitions then it sucks, but you'll probably enjoy your time together a hell of a lot more than just doing nothing. My last GF died of covid, so you know, couldn't be with her anymore, hurt like hell, a comperableish situation. (Person you were in love with gone). However never in my life have I regretted being with her, even if it ended in heartbreak. All relationships do. What you must ask yourself is: Are protecting your feelings in the future (which will eventually be hurt by someone or something else regardless) worth more than having a good life right now? Hope my thoughts help.
If you read my other comments, you’ll find we did date for a day, before I found out about the trans thing. And yeah, I agree that, as much as it sucks to admit it, it is better in the long term for us to not date due to the things that would happen in the future, and that’s why they broke up with me anyways.
Better to have loved and lost, brother. A day isn't dating.
Had this happen to me several times too. As someone who is transmasc nb, I sadly had many cishet guys that fell in love. All i can say is Skill issue. (But being serious, i’m sorry bud. Sometimes it just happens like that. Human sexuality is really interesting.)
So I'm a bit lost. you love him, he loves you. What's the problem? Edit: ok I get it now, wording confused me
The problem is that I don’t love him for him, I love him for her, if that makes any sense.
Hmmm ok makes a bit more sense I had a hard time understanding the wording. So essentially you're no longer attracted to them?
Well, no, I am still in love with them. However, in their current “form”, they are a female, but we both know that they will transition in a few years, and I most likely won’t be into them anymore; even if I were, it would probably be for their feminine qualities, rather than their newfound masculinity. I can only imagine the dysphoria dating a straight man would cause.
Hey as an enby, I really appreciate all the thought you’ve put into understanding that dynamic there. My partner loves me for him, them, her, and whatever. If he only loved me for her, he wouldn’t be loving me. And I might have broken my own heart trying to be what he wanted. You’re saving him that confusion and pain. You’re thinking of him as he is. You are a truly caring and empathetic friend, thank you ❤️
Once he transitions they won’t be compatible because he most likely won’t be physically attracted to him.
God?
Nope
Based.
Good
Hey, Cishet man who has been in a similar situation, your feelings and difficulties are valid. I can say it will be a hard time but you will feel better and happy in your friendship when its done.
Thanks man, but when what’s done?
Do you like vaked beans?
Idk what vaked beans are, but if you meant baked means, then No
Trans guy here, I've experienced that except the other way around. It sucks 🥲 Especially because you know the person likes you for all the things you hate about yourself. Yet I'm also here, primarily attracted to guys, falling in love with trans girls for their masculine features 😭 Therefore, let's all cry together
Preach brother
Toilet paper facing in or out?
Out, if not you’re a psychopath
I feel you man my ex bf was trans and it was definitely hard at times, but just coming to an understanding about what you both want and need can make all the difference, and sometimes these things just don’t work out, big ups my guy wish you well.
I’m currently in a similar situation with someone I’ve been with for 6+ years. It’s a difficult situation but ultimately they are still the same person you love and now they are happier
I actually fell in love with a very early in transition trans girl as a gay guy who liked me back so I can share a little in your pain perhaps
maybe you'll still like him once he transitions, so don't write it off yet
I don’t think I’m bi, sorry
you don't have to be bi to still find him attractive. it's not good to think of labels like that. you are you, and you like who you like, labels are used after the fact to describe those parts of yourself, not beforehand to create limits.
I’ve seen this take a lot, but labels are not constraints to me, they fluctuate alongside identity. As of now, I am not bi, and while I am using that to justify me probably not liking them after transition, if that changes, then I will be bi.
IGOR by Tyler, the Creator hits DIFFERENT when you’re going through something like this
What is your favorite extinct creature Related, do you know about the Tullimonstrum
Megalodon cuz that’s the only one I know And no
would you like to know about Tullimonstrum
When I was younger, I had a friend, both of us are trans. At the time, we were both pre-transition, to the point that I don't think either of us even knew. I like women, and they like guys. So, since we were presenting as each other's interest, we had some moments. We were kind of into each other. Then we both transitioned, and basically swapped genders. So, y'know, I don't regret the moments we had, but it's different now. Shit's weird sometimes. Best I can do is say that you talk to them about this, assuming you haven't already. It's good to be honest about how you feel, and approach as maturely as you can.
I hope you’ll find understanding or be able to move on, love hurts at times, but don’t worry you have plenty of time
why are you using they/them pronouns if he’s male?
[I explain that in this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/196/comments/wwqddf/to_love_is_to_suffer_rule/iloyvqv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
[удалено]
favourite animal? big fan of red pandas honestly.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T\_AK83KvGU4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_AK83KvGU4) come here my brother.... 🫂
I assume this is implying you’re straight, and that’s why you can’t be together?
Cishet = cisgender, heterosexual (straight) So yes
Just realized I forgot cishet was a portmanteau huh Edit: But also that’s rough, sorry to hear that
do you know how to make grilled cheese
I shit you not that is the exact question one of their friends asked me the moment we got together lmao The answer is no, when we started dating I was gonna learn but then I lost all motivation after the breakup, I still can’t make a grilled cheese to this day 😔
There will be another time. In a different place ,at a different time.