i prefer this one because it means they have to pause and think and give a proper answer, not just throw a remark out with the usual ‘deer in the headlights agree agree’ that may not be accurate.
thinking on it, maybe you should get one of those pill bottles which show the last time it was opened. this means you can go look at the bottle and your partner doesnt get a jolt of ‘am i doing something wrong again’.
if your partner perceives this as rude then they have a self confidence issue.
when my boyfriend asks “are you on your period” I don’t get mad. cause it’s just true, my period makes me emotional. he’s not wrong to ask. it helps him know how to navigate my needs better. same shit.
It can definitely be offensive and demoralizing when someone has legitimate emotions and the response is “did you take your meds?” or “are you on your period?” because there’s the implication that their emotions are less valid than they would be otherwise. Which usually fuels the fire rather than helping calm it. I think OP is smart to ask questions like this.
I can agree that this is sometimes the case. but I would argue that “did you take your meds” could be a question which validates someone’s illness and that their symptoms are very real, real enough to require pharmaceutical intervention.
I also think the meds question is a lot better than the period question. it’s not necessarily about emotions, but about noticing that your partner is disregulated today
This has been a huge point of contention for us. My partner likes to take sporadic breaks in medication. Since it significantly impacts my life when he stops, I simply ask him to give me a heads up before so that I can mentally prepare. This of course strikes a cord with him because he is hurt that I need to have a heads up to ‘deal with his real self’. So naturally he will not tell me because of the shame he feels around it and I get resentful that he lies. We’ve had many an argument about it (in part made worse due to the lack of medication) so over time we’ve developed little indicator points to make it known without directly stating it. For example, I make him tea every morning but when he goes off the medication he drinks coffee for the extra caffeine. So I’ll ask “is tomorrow a coffee day or a tea day” instead of asking “are you taking your medication today” this helps ease the tension a bit. We’ve started to joke about it to lighten the mood. It’s a complex issue and I have valid reasons to want to know and he has valid reasons to not want to feel policed around it so this is been partially successful for us.
I’ve also tried to understand better why he chooses to stop his medication. From my neurotypical perspective and i can’t understand why he would choose not to take a medication that makes him a more functional human. By learning more about the side effects and experience taking it, it’s helped me to have more understanding and have a better mindset about unmedicated days.
I see your situation is a little different bc these are doctors instructions/forgetfulness, but hopefully this insight helps in some way.
I really relate to this bc here’s the thing - sometimes he doesn’t forget, I’ll pick up on a few things that he’s slipped up on in the last few days and he says he needs a “break” from the meds and I’m not sure what from exactly?
And I find it hard to say well I also want a break, because again we go back to attacking the “real him”. And I never want to make him feel that way but man that’s hard to navigate.
The only side effect he ever brought up was being really thirsty which to me doesn’t feel like a good enough reason to stop taking a medication that is now readily available for those who needs it and is free for him.
I really appreciate you sharing, it’s made me realise I might not fully understand how he feels about his medication. Thanks so much
Edit for clarification
Just wanted to share an experience with being thirsty as a side effect. I don't have ADHD, but I take two meds for sleeping disorders that make me permanently thirsty. Even when I just drank something. I drink about 4 liters of water, tea or coffee a day and as a result have to go to the bathroom a lot. So it is a bit annoying, but I agree not annoying enough to not take the meds. Maybe he forgets to drink enough even though he is thirsty, I wonder if him keeping a water bottle around would help.
I go everywhere with at least a liter of water/tea in a thermos. And it does help.
He forgets to use the water bottle I got him! So if I’m getting a drink I’ll usually get him one too. But maybe I’m underestimating how thirsty he is so how often I’m drinking maybe isn’t enough to satiate that. Thanks for the insight!
That sounds like an executive function concern to me.
My partner also does better when the water bottles stick out. Either because they're shiny or have some sort of picture on them. There's a lot of "out of sight, out of mind" these these folks, so people come up with all kinds of stuff to remind themselves to do the things that they need to. Like buying a [capsule vending machine and putting their meds in the capsules so it's like winning a prize](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1164958001/teacher-student-classroom-reward-system?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_a-toys_and_games-toys-learning_and_school&utm_custom1=_k_CjwKCAjw48-vBhBbEiwAzqrZVHZccny6ise4UcPzaJKSv1vlSwHpx76K5DVxwSQsTfic3aj1uJqs_hoCUNQQAvD_BwE_k_&utm_content=go_12569403118_122509897907_507395495401_pla-352859725646_c__1164958001_12768591&utm_custom2=12569403118&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw48-vBhBbEiwAzqrZVHZccny6ise4UcPzaJKSv1vlSwHpx76K5DVxwSQsTfic3aj1uJqs_hoCUNQQAvD_BwE).
I just ask bluntly, because he does often forget meds (among other things). But he doesn’t suffer from RSD, thank goodness, so there aren’t any weird hoops. He knows I’m asking because he *wants* to remember his meds; I’m the back up brain.
We have yet to find an amazing med for my partner, but I’d be honest about what you see. ADHD often means poor self-reflection (partly because there’s no time horizon, so now is how it’s always been), so your observations are actually very important.
My partner definitely has some work to do in the RSD side of things, which worsens without the meds. It’s hard to talk to him about things that can be misconstrued as criticisms. But I actually really like the back up brain line, I think he might appreciate that!
He might appreciate it, but there are a lot of times you might not, so just take care of yourself too, okay? I have been with my partner over 20 years and most of the time it’s okay, and sometimes it’s too much. I just want you to avoid that second part!
Just ask. If they get into a snit about being held accountable for managing their disorder, they aren't healthy enough for adulthood let alone a committed relationship.
Medication is a complete non-negotiable in my partnership. I don't have to ask my partner if he's taken his meds for the day as I can tell immediately if he's missed a dose.
If the ADHD behaviors start ramping up on any given day I will straight up tell him "go take your meds". He knows not to ever give me attitude about this, his disorder is far too serious to ever get snippy about proper management.
My husband never got offended by me asking.
He stepped very easily into the role of “child” and basically expected me to nag him about various daily tasks (including his medications).
I almost *wish* he would get offended by me asking because at least then I know he *wants* to bear the responsibilities of an adult and to be seen as an adult. At this point I don’t think he feels any shame or embarrassment about needing me to manage every aspect of his life.
We've gotten to that point now that I can just ask. But at first, she was very sensitive about the topic. So I made it more educational for myself to start with, so she's thinking about how to explain it to me.
Things like "about an hour after your meds kick in, I notice you start communicating in a way that's much easier for me to follow. Do you notice any differences?" So she had to stop and think, and eventually started noticing how her mind didn't jump topics as frequently, adding more detail to her answer each time. This had the inadvertent (good) side effect of getting her to be more aware of its effects, which can be very subtle.
So she started writing down the times she took the meds, in order to learn how to time it for when it would kick in for work or whatever.
When I thought she forgot her meds, it would be "what time did you take your meds, you're talking very quickly today and I'm finding it hard to follow. Maybe it's just me though..." usually (not always) followed by an "oops" from her.
It's now transitioned to "did you remember your meds" proactively, especially if I know she's got a complicated day ahead.
Or if she comes home is behaving in a non-medicated way, I ask. She actually thinks it's funny now that I can totally tell. And once I mention it, she realizes why she's having such a hard time keeping track of her car keys and so on.
Perfect! I hope to get to that level of comfort about medication with my partner too. Thanks so much for sharing, this is exactly what I was looking for
I ask him if he's taken his meds, and how is he feeling on it or when it tapers off. Also as we use iPhones, I use the Medications section in the Health app to set up reminders for him to take it.
My partner isn't medicated, but for other things where he needs reminders, if he gets defensive I'll ask later (not when he's upset ) how he'd like me to ask if he locked the doors/put out the fire pit (or whatever) because I have to be able to ask for our safety and the security of our home. Then next time if he gets defensive I can say, "we talked about this and you told me this is how you'd like me to check in. Would something else work better?" I can usually do this pretty neutrally and he usually snaps out of it and answers the question and we move on. It's hard to manage the mundane stuff when everything is perceived as a personal attack.
My partner has these pill bottles that have a little digital readout at the top, showing the hours and minutes since the bottle was last opened. A set of 4 was like $15 on Amazon. They help him keep track of whether he remembered to take his meds, so he doesn’t accidentally take them twice in the same day. I’m thinking it would also make it really easy for you to tell if he took his meds, as long as you can see the bottles. Maybe it would be useful for him too.
I always got self conscious when my partner would ask me this. I honestly don’t know how he could have asked or pointed it out where it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings or made me feel alienated.
Instead, you could get one of those pill covers with the timed lid on it and it would let HIM know when he hasn’t taken his medication. Or when you walk by the nightstand or wherever he keeps his medication, you can nonchalantly say “oh, you forgot to take your meds this morning” as an informational tone so it doesn’t seem like you’re only pointing it out because of how he is behaving.
Thank you, I sincerely appreciate your perspective and I’ve ordered one of those timed box things now! I don’t want him to feel the need to be defensive because I’m not attacking him, not in the slightest. So consciously bearing in mind an informational tone is the least I can do to make him feel like we’re on the same team :) all the best
You could set up a reminder on his phone for that. For example, iPhone Health App has a medication reminder you could use where you could add as many reminders per day as you wish. Now he just has to remember to not ignore the reminders…
yes. did you remember your meds today? its not rude. its necessary.
Hmm I think you’re right, I think I’m just a overthinking it. Thank you
"What time did you take your meds?"
i prefer this one because it means they have to pause and think and give a proper answer, not just throw a remark out with the usual ‘deer in the headlights agree agree’ that may not be accurate.
thinking on it, maybe you should get one of those pill bottles which show the last time it was opened. this means you can go look at the bottle and your partner doesnt get a jolt of ‘am i doing something wrong again’.
if your partner perceives this as rude then they have a self confidence issue. when my boyfriend asks “are you on your period” I don’t get mad. cause it’s just true, my period makes me emotional. he’s not wrong to ask. it helps him know how to navigate my needs better. same shit.
It can definitely be offensive and demoralizing when someone has legitimate emotions and the response is “did you take your meds?” or “are you on your period?” because there’s the implication that their emotions are less valid than they would be otherwise. Which usually fuels the fire rather than helping calm it. I think OP is smart to ask questions like this.
I can agree that this is sometimes the case. but I would argue that “did you take your meds” could be a question which validates someone’s illness and that their symptoms are very real, real enough to require pharmaceutical intervention. I also think the meds question is a lot better than the period question. it’s not necessarily about emotions, but about noticing that your partner is disregulated today
This has been a huge point of contention for us. My partner likes to take sporadic breaks in medication. Since it significantly impacts my life when he stops, I simply ask him to give me a heads up before so that I can mentally prepare. This of course strikes a cord with him because he is hurt that I need to have a heads up to ‘deal with his real self’. So naturally he will not tell me because of the shame he feels around it and I get resentful that he lies. We’ve had many an argument about it (in part made worse due to the lack of medication) so over time we’ve developed little indicator points to make it known without directly stating it. For example, I make him tea every morning but when he goes off the medication he drinks coffee for the extra caffeine. So I’ll ask “is tomorrow a coffee day or a tea day” instead of asking “are you taking your medication today” this helps ease the tension a bit. We’ve started to joke about it to lighten the mood. It’s a complex issue and I have valid reasons to want to know and he has valid reasons to not want to feel policed around it so this is been partially successful for us. I’ve also tried to understand better why he chooses to stop his medication. From my neurotypical perspective and i can’t understand why he would choose not to take a medication that makes him a more functional human. By learning more about the side effects and experience taking it, it’s helped me to have more understanding and have a better mindset about unmedicated days. I see your situation is a little different bc these are doctors instructions/forgetfulness, but hopefully this insight helps in some way.
I really relate to this bc here’s the thing - sometimes he doesn’t forget, I’ll pick up on a few things that he’s slipped up on in the last few days and he says he needs a “break” from the meds and I’m not sure what from exactly? And I find it hard to say well I also want a break, because again we go back to attacking the “real him”. And I never want to make him feel that way but man that’s hard to navigate. The only side effect he ever brought up was being really thirsty which to me doesn’t feel like a good enough reason to stop taking a medication that is now readily available for those who needs it and is free for him. I really appreciate you sharing, it’s made me realise I might not fully understand how he feels about his medication. Thanks so much Edit for clarification
Just wanted to share an experience with being thirsty as a side effect. I don't have ADHD, but I take two meds for sleeping disorders that make me permanently thirsty. Even when I just drank something. I drink about 4 liters of water, tea or coffee a day and as a result have to go to the bathroom a lot. So it is a bit annoying, but I agree not annoying enough to not take the meds. Maybe he forgets to drink enough even though he is thirsty, I wonder if him keeping a water bottle around would help. I go everywhere with at least a liter of water/tea in a thermos. And it does help.
He forgets to use the water bottle I got him! So if I’m getting a drink I’ll usually get him one too. But maybe I’m underestimating how thirsty he is so how often I’m drinking maybe isn’t enough to satiate that. Thanks for the insight!
That sounds like an executive function concern to me. My partner also does better when the water bottles stick out. Either because they're shiny or have some sort of picture on them. There's a lot of "out of sight, out of mind" these these folks, so people come up with all kinds of stuff to remind themselves to do the things that they need to. Like buying a [capsule vending machine and putting their meds in the capsules so it's like winning a prize](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1164958001/teacher-student-classroom-reward-system?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_a-toys_and_games-toys-learning_and_school&utm_custom1=_k_CjwKCAjw48-vBhBbEiwAzqrZVHZccny6ise4UcPzaJKSv1vlSwHpx76K5DVxwSQsTfic3aj1uJqs_hoCUNQQAvD_BwE_k_&utm_content=go_12569403118_122509897907_507395495401_pla-352859725646_c__1164958001_12768591&utm_custom2=12569403118&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw48-vBhBbEiwAzqrZVHZccny6ise4UcPzaJKSv1vlSwHpx76K5DVxwSQsTfic3aj1uJqs_hoCUNQQAvD_BwE).
That’s actually the smartest idea I’ve ever heard omg
I just ask bluntly, because he does often forget meds (among other things). But he doesn’t suffer from RSD, thank goodness, so there aren’t any weird hoops. He knows I’m asking because he *wants* to remember his meds; I’m the back up brain. We have yet to find an amazing med for my partner, but I’d be honest about what you see. ADHD often means poor self-reflection (partly because there’s no time horizon, so now is how it’s always been), so your observations are actually very important.
My partner definitely has some work to do in the RSD side of things, which worsens without the meds. It’s hard to talk to him about things that can be misconstrued as criticisms. But I actually really like the back up brain line, I think he might appreciate that!
He might appreciate it, but there are a lot of times you might not, so just take care of yourself too, okay? I have been with my partner over 20 years and most of the time it’s okay, and sometimes it’s too much. I just want you to avoid that second part!
Bless you! 🥹 it’s so nice to be in this group and actually get support without feeling selfish
Just ask. If they get into a snit about being held accountable for managing their disorder, they aren't healthy enough for adulthood let alone a committed relationship. Medication is a complete non-negotiable in my partnership. I don't have to ask my partner if he's taken his meds for the day as I can tell immediately if he's missed a dose. If the ADHD behaviors start ramping up on any given day I will straight up tell him "go take your meds". He knows not to ever give me attitude about this, his disorder is far too serious to ever get snippy about proper management.
Wow I thought I needed a way to be soft and gentle so that I didn’t upset our rhythm but I need to start advocating for myself, too. Thank you
I can immediately tell when my husband hasn’t taken his meds. I just ask him directly “did you take your medication today? I’m noticing x, y, z.”
My husband never got offended by me asking. He stepped very easily into the role of “child” and basically expected me to nag him about various daily tasks (including his medications). I almost *wish* he would get offended by me asking because at least then I know he *wants* to bear the responsibilities of an adult and to be seen as an adult. At this point I don’t think he feels any shame or embarrassment about needing me to manage every aspect of his life.
I can tell within a few hours. Then I ask. Then he lies about 50% of the time anyway. So I just stopped asking.
We've gotten to that point now that I can just ask. But at first, she was very sensitive about the topic. So I made it more educational for myself to start with, so she's thinking about how to explain it to me. Things like "about an hour after your meds kick in, I notice you start communicating in a way that's much easier for me to follow. Do you notice any differences?" So she had to stop and think, and eventually started noticing how her mind didn't jump topics as frequently, adding more detail to her answer each time. This had the inadvertent (good) side effect of getting her to be more aware of its effects, which can be very subtle. So she started writing down the times she took the meds, in order to learn how to time it for when it would kick in for work or whatever. When I thought she forgot her meds, it would be "what time did you take your meds, you're talking very quickly today and I'm finding it hard to follow. Maybe it's just me though..." usually (not always) followed by an "oops" from her. It's now transitioned to "did you remember your meds" proactively, especially if I know she's got a complicated day ahead. Or if she comes home is behaving in a non-medicated way, I ask. She actually thinks it's funny now that I can totally tell. And once I mention it, she realizes why she's having such a hard time keeping track of her car keys and so on.
Perfect! I hope to get to that level of comfort about medication with my partner too. Thanks so much for sharing, this is exactly what I was looking for
I ask him if he's taken his meds, and how is he feeling on it or when it tapers off. Also as we use iPhones, I use the Medications section in the Health app to set up reminders for him to take it.
If you have to tip toe around simple questions like have you taken you meds, there are larger issues at play.
As others have said, just ask. If he has a big reaction or gets upset that’s on him. You’re just asking a question.
My partner isn't medicated, but for other things where he needs reminders, if he gets defensive I'll ask later (not when he's upset ) how he'd like me to ask if he locked the doors/put out the fire pit (or whatever) because I have to be able to ask for our safety and the security of our home. Then next time if he gets defensive I can say, "we talked about this and you told me this is how you'd like me to check in. Would something else work better?" I can usually do this pretty neutrally and he usually snaps out of it and answers the question and we move on. It's hard to manage the mundane stuff when everything is perceived as a personal attack.
I ask and just prepare for the snap back.
My partner has these pill bottles that have a little digital readout at the top, showing the hours and minutes since the bottle was last opened. A set of 4 was like $15 on Amazon. They help him keep track of whether he remembered to take his meds, so he doesn’t accidentally take them twice in the same day. I’m thinking it would also make it really easy for you to tell if he took his meds, as long as you can see the bottles. Maybe it would be useful for him too.
I just ask if he did with a smile. Then we usually laugh about something absent-minded he did that day, because usually it’s a handful of things.
I always got self conscious when my partner would ask me this. I honestly don’t know how he could have asked or pointed it out where it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings or made me feel alienated. Instead, you could get one of those pill covers with the timed lid on it and it would let HIM know when he hasn’t taken his medication. Or when you walk by the nightstand or wherever he keeps his medication, you can nonchalantly say “oh, you forgot to take your meds this morning” as an informational tone so it doesn’t seem like you’re only pointing it out because of how he is behaving.
Thank you, I sincerely appreciate your perspective and I’ve ordered one of those timed box things now! I don’t want him to feel the need to be defensive because I’m not attacking him, not in the slightest. So consciously bearing in mind an informational tone is the least I can do to make him feel like we’re on the same team :) all the best
You could set up a reminder on his phone for that. For example, iPhone Health App has a medication reminder you could use where you could add as many reminders per day as you wish. Now he just has to remember to not ignore the reminders…