I would tell him that he needs to discuss his issue with a doctor, actually work on the issue at home or the relationship might be over. Tell him exactly how this is impacting you and that you want to have everything with him, but you can't live untouched forever.
I'm the one with the low libido in my marriage, but I work on it. I try really hard. I don't just get angry and ignore my hubby.
So I'm the HL wife (who once was an extremely confident, sexual being.) My LL husband (though I think desire is only one piece of the puzzle...he lacks confidence in general, his lifestyle isn't conducive to high energy sexual desire) gets *very* sensitive when we discuss this topic.
Our cycle has come to a really sad dynamic for us both. I equate sex largely with rejection. I got so used to the rejected advances that I don't try much anymore, my heart can't take it. He equates it with failure, because whenever we discuss it, he thinks he is trying but can't do it right. (This is not true...he can totally do it, it's just not remotely a priority to him.)
Whenever I've suggested seeing a doctor, talking about testosterone whatever...he also gets mad. I've realized it's because discussing options makes him feel like something is *wrong* with him. No matter how many times we calmly discuss, he can get really defensive.
I feel what you've said here deeply. The want to simply *be desired* is huge and years of sexual rejection does destroy self-esteem. But we finally worked on communication and a lot of acceptance. We actually talk about these things now, openly and honestly. It's not always pretty, but we reached a greater understanding of our personal feelings towards sex, its importance and how to work through the detrimental dynamic we've created.
Don't cheat, OP. Please don't. My mind has wandered there (and not really sex, more just fantasies about a stranger paying attention to me!) but it is not and will never be worth it. Try a therapist, try communicating, try asking questions. He likely gets mad because he's ashamed and doesn't know how to handle it. I could be wrong.
Another incredible response. You are one of the great things about reddit. Must have gotten a huge shot of empathy as a child and it is enough to last forever.
I also struggle with a partner who doesn’t have much of a drive, or really any at all anymore. My spouse had a total hysterectomy due to cancer when she was 35. We are only in our early 40s now. There are definitely days and times I want and need more, but I love the shit out of her. Any pressure just makes her feel pain for being totally A-sexual these days, or worse, might make her feel she needs to do something she is not comfortable with just to make me happy for a few minutes. I loathe the idea of making her feel either of those feelings. To just rub salt on all the wounds, we’ve had a traumatic few years in our family due to a number of issues out of our control and that’s also wiped our intimacy clean as well.
But when we have strung together a few months of normalcy, we have gotten back on track and it takes work like this commenter has shared. Communication, vulnerability, and truly engaging with intentional efforts to build desire.
One really successful period began with a commitment to have some safe touch time every night and to share an intimate kiss every night in bed. My wife would take long baths to relax and would spend it giving some time to generate fantasies about the act. We bought some CBD lubricant to relax her body. Got some toys to use for foreplay. That all transformed into an extended period of consistent intimacy.
And we’ve both developed the wisdom to know, and the trust with each other to believe, that marriage is long and that things can come and go in cycles.
That philosophy and trust is why I have no need to consider any requests to go outside our marriage. I trust that even though things are challenging now, the time will come again when we are more active.
Was in a situation like this with my ex wife. I read so many books, sought advixe onine. Even went so far as fo seek mental help because I was made to feel as though I must be a sex addict.
After many sessions with a therapist (also being told I was just a normal person with a healthy libido) and doing everything I could in the hopes of improving her qualify of llife as it was the "go-to" reasons that seemed reasonable. In the end I just became a slave to our household. Did all the domestic labor, stayed home so she could attempt to have a social life. Helped her start a new career that she always dreamed of doing. Many many months later their was no change.
Finally I went to my last session and without her telling me to get a divorce specifically she did tell me it was time to put myself first before I need more help just to cope.
So I asked for a divorce and she didn't even battle me on it. I went from being rejected for years and feeling inadequate as a lover, as a partner. Feeling as though I was unattractive, unloveable and ultimately not deserving of being loved the way I felt I deserved. Then I went on my first date after separating and most of it came back. First time I had sex and the person I was with was not only enthusiastic but complimented me on how good it was I finally felt alive again.
I have tremendous empathy for anyone going through this because the people who are LL really don't understand the psychological effects if has on their partners. They also don't understand how much work WE put into the relationship to try to fix the issue just to be told it's all we think about. The LLs don't understand that the relationship exists and can really only survive if BOTH people feel fulfilled within it. So while the LL might think we're being selfish and only thinkng of sex, the truth is were more worried about the relationship dissolving because we know their eventually will be a breaking point.
>I'm the one with the low libido in my marriage, but I work on it. I try really hard. I don't just get angry and ignore my hubby.
Bless your heart. My wife has no interest in me and that's my problem. She couldn't care less about my unhappiness, but would certainly have gone nuclear if I cheated on her. So instead I stuck it out until our kid left for college. Then I left. Honestly, I don't even think she misses me.
Sadly, I think it's sort of common. And when it's not that pattern it's the pattern of OP's post. People with matched libidos (even just same interest in physical affection) post kids seems to be very rare.
And some say hormones, others psychology (marriage/parenthood changes people, if you're disgusted by the thought of your parents doing it, what happens when you're a parent? What happens when you only see your spouse as a parent?), sometimes it's just work exhaustion, but it just sucks.
Flew by? I mean I found ways to occupy my time but no, it did not fly by. I stayed to give my daughter a stable start. Never fought in front of her except for that one last time. Really we never fought except for this one issue, but it's the one I can't replace by hiring somebody. I can't solve the issue without her, but I'm the only one with an issue.
Mine has no interest. Then when we eventually do have that intimate moment she gets all happy and says "why don't we do this more often". The next time I initiate she shuts me down. She doesn't initiate and gets upset when I try to. Man, it sucks.
That sounds like something that could be worked through with therapy, if she's open to it. I was similar for a long time. I had a sort of mental block because of some bad experiences early on and it was very hard for me to relax and enjoy my partner because at the back of my mind I kept thinking "am I really safe? Or is he just after this and nothing else?" Then I'd finally give in out of guilt and afterwards get to a place where I realize 'okay maybe' but would have to start the mental process all over again the next time.
As I grew more secure and worked through stuff, my desire to be with him grew. Now we're like rabbits. Can't go a day without it (if life keeps us apart we bitch about it lol). I adore him and enjoy being with him, and I'm so glad he helped me work through it and was in a place not to take the early rejections so hard. But I couldn't have done it without the help of a therapist and friends I could be completely honest with, and I talked openly with him the whole time and explained where my hang ups were.
ETA: sorry you're dealing with it, though. I always worried about my partner feeling defeated so I made an effort to work on it and be as open as possible to make it work.
No, haven't really figured out the dating in my 50's thing, and I'm all fucked up on the inside. But I have hopes for the new year. Thanks for your wishes.
It can be this - it happened to me, ended up being a tumor. Had a great endocrinologist that helped me.
It could also be depression / meds for depression making things difficult on his end. If he cannot perform, may not want to start.
It’s a real shame the way society has pressured men to feel like failures of some sort if they can’t get hard. There are other routes to orgasms and intimacy besides a hard dick, and they’re all valid as long as they’re shared by consenting and enthusiastic adults.
>It can be this - it happened to me, ended up being a tumor. Had a great endocrinologist that helped me.It could also be depression / meds for depression making things difficult on his end. If he cannot perform, may not want to start.
The thing is, at least in my case, it wasn't physical - it was just totally no drive / lack of interest. I was just in pain with constant headaches and angry a lot.
Right medicine to reduce the tumor and I am SO much better. Wife says I am not an AH anymore :)
I really don't even remember much about it, just a painful haze that became part of my life.
Holy shit man you're describing me. I am actually set to see a cardiologist, but my nurse fiance and other research we've looked into have been leading us to think it may be nuerological or a tumor. I have these wild head rush feelings that leave me super dizzy and strugle to have any energy
Came here to say this. I was in my early 20s when my sex drive disappeared. After I had my CPAP for about a year, it came back a little, but still not much. Now I'm 30 and still don't get in the mood often. I'm glad my wife is understanding, but I know it's not what she wants.
I agree but if he isn’t even willing to do that or have the conversation then what else is she supposed to do? It’s more than sex, he isn’t communicating his needs, giving a shit about hers and it ruins all trust and safety in the relationship. It’s no longer a safe place to be open and honest. Walls are up
The answer to "what else is she supposed to do?" is exactly what most men do: either suck it up and live in a sexless marriage, or leave. And every time you see the roles reversed everyone in the comments is shitting on the man because he wasn't meeting her emotional needs and that's why she didn't want sex. They also say that a dead bedroom is no excuse for cheating, that if the sex isn't as frequent as you want and she's not willing to change her either had to suck it up and live in a sexless marriage or leave. The same standard has to apply here
I'm sorry, but sometimes yes it's the orgasm and it's a hard dick that will get you off in the long run but also I think in general she wants to have the intimacy with her husband. So I don't think that it's just about having a hard dick and getting her braids effed out of her she wants to have that connection with her husband again. She wants to have the intimacy with her husband. She wants to get her brains effed out by her husband. She wants to feel loved by her husband. But because she doesn't feel any of those things from her husband she's thinking about going elsewhere. Hopefully they can find a solution to a hormone problem with him if that is what it is or if it is another underlying issue. But I honestly think that the big issue is she wants to be intimate with her husband straightforward.
“We’re going to do something. We’re not going to just sit here and let our marriage fall apart. ***Something*** has changed. I don’t know what it is, and you don’t ***seem*** to know (or care) what it is. So, unless you do know and can tell me right now, we’re going to go through an investigative process to try to find out. I don’t care what ***kind*** of health care professional we start with, but we’re going to start with a health care professional… so you can tell me whether that’s going to be someone more in the realm of physiology or psychology. But you have until the end of the [week/month/year/whatever] to do it. And if not, then I’ll decide for us.”
OP, I hate to say or suggest this, but… do you think it’s possible that:
1.) he is cheating (and thus, is already getting his sexual needs met elsewhere)?
2.) he has cheated (even if just once), and contracted some sort of STI/STD that he now wants to protect you from?
(only mentioning these less-likely possibilities because I didn’t see anyone else mention them)
Could be embarrassed or anxious surrounding the situation. If OP notices it, I'd say he does too.
I would think OP's husband still has sexual desire to her mentally - maybe he's embarrassed bc his hormones aren't connecting the dots anatomically for him. Also time out of consistent sex means the sexual bond and attraction would be weakened. Maybe try having a conversation with your husband about it - not around the time of asking or wanting to have sex
Yes, it's not about the sex in general, she wants to feel desired and loved and she is feeling rejected and unloved right now. He needs to see a doctor. This is one of those times where giving an ultimatum is allowed. He could have some serious health issues going on and not getting it checked out and delaying treatment could be detrimental to his health. She should tell him to either go to the doctor and see what is going on, or she files for divorce because having an unwilling partner is not a marriage. Marriage can absolutely last without sex, but it won't last without intimacy and feeling desirable by both people in the marriage. His constant rejection and anger is only making things worse for their marriage and the ultimatum is probably the only thing that will open his eyes at this point.
Does OP say he’s having erectile issues? *You* seem to be inferring that. She says he rejects intimacy and gets mad at her when she tries to talk about it.
I'm not talking about op, I'm talking about the general topic and comment chain.
Attacks on someone's ability to maintain an erection is one of the most common insults.
Why are you trying to make it about that it's not? It's nothing to do with him not being able to get hard. The problem is there is zero intimacy or any effort on his part to be enthusiastic about it at all. I'm sure she'd be happy if he was at least trying, but he's not. He keeps rejecting her.
I was more commenting on “If he can’t perform, he may not want to start” and how men are pretty much taught if their dick won’t get hard then they may as well not even try. That sucks, and it closes so many doors to intimacy for them.
You’re right, that may not be OP’s issue, I was just talking about it in a general way, not necessarily pertaining to this particular instance.
Yeah, that does suck. I've always been super encouraging and understanding of my partners, particularly with intimacy stuff. It happens to basically everyone, no one should be shamed for it. Most of the time it's an issue with nerves and perception, not an actual physical problem.
It sounds like OP's partner does have something going on and it's sad that he doesn't seem willing to be honest (even with himself?) about what is going on for him.
>There are other routes to orgasms and intimacy besides a hard dick
Certainly, but for some of us the dick is the thing that is satisfying. I mean, I adore oral and toys, but I am not satisfied sexually until I have been properly dicked.
She doesn't say it's a physical issue. Just that he rejects all forms of sexual intimacy so that's harsh to assume. Yes tho a e other forms of intimacy is valid she is saying he has cut off all the forms of intimacy go her.
I thought my ex had low testosterone. I begged him to get checked out. I also asked him to pursue therapy because it's normal and healthy to do so. I also see a therapist. I never alienated him and even offered to pursue help with him if it would make him feel better.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Turns out he might have low t, but his primary wheelhouse diagnosis is being a total fucking asshat, which I don't think there's a cure for.
Take care of yourself and don't light yourself on fire to keep a child of the devil warm.
i had ~this too - pseudo-Cushing's, testosterone near zero, no sexual interest in anyone or anything, and i still had sex with my then wife when she initiated and did my best to make it fun and hot.
in my view depression and low libido are no excuse to sexually deprive your partner, and the fact that her husband has made minimal effort to change or even explore the root of the problem makes me question how much of a partner he's willing to be.
If you had zero testosterone and no erection issues I question the validity of what you're saying. There's a massive difference between not wanting sex and not being able to perform sex. Most of OP post is geared towards her own feelings and not his which could be a contributing factor. Not all partners are sensitive and understanding about performance issues, and this can make it worse. I'm sure your SO would be very happy to hear you didn't want to F her but did it out of duty. Well done
If it's that, he could even caress her, love her, do the motions, do oral and then use a vibrator, and she can work on him... in different ways, too. Sex doesn't have to be jackhammering black&decker to be satisfactory for both sides.
This . Mine got down to the 40s before I got checked . I had zero sex drive . Just no interest. Getting my testosterone balanced has been great . I feel so much better and have a great sex drive .
Cheating is never the answer OP. Don’t be that person. Leave him before doing that. It will cause more issues than it will fix . Talk to him, have him get labs ran and sort the problem. If it’s not hormonal then get a therapist. But do not cheat.
He’s literally said no to a therapist and doctors.
I’m not saying that cheating is the answer here, but OP’s frustration is very understandable. She’s run all the “reasons” by him and he’s either rejected looking into the reason, or denying it’s a reason. So of course she starts to blame herself.
Cheating obviously isn't the answer, but it's wild to me that people will suggest the most obvious suggestions, as if OP hasn't already exhausted herself trying those ideas. "Talk to him", "Ask him to see a doctor, it could be a hormonal problem", "It could be depression, see if you can get him in to see a psychologist", as if she didn't explicitly state that she already tried all these things?? When the mere suggestion of medical help makes him angry, I'm not sure what else she's supposed to do. It's not like she can force him to see a doctor against his will.
It also sounds like this has been going on for *years*. Their daughter is 3, and she says this was already a problem before she was even born. How many years should a person stick with someone who has zero interest in solving an important problem like this?
I feel for OP. She shouldn't cheat, but she should consider having an honest, ultimatum type conversation with her husband. It can be approached gently and with sensitivity, but she needs to make it clear that she is unhappy with the years of lack of intimacy, that it is damaging their marriage, and tell him that he needs to see a doctor and/or psychologist. She can offer to be there to support him and work through whatever it is, but just getting mad, refusing to do anything about it, and continuing to neglect his wife's needs for years and years isn't an acceptable option anymore.
Indeed. I get that cheating isn’t the answer, but suggesting she do all of the things she has already said she has tried and he has refused sounds ridiculous. It’s time for a come to Jesus moment for him. Either he wants to save that marriage or he doesn’t. Ultimatums suck, but if there’s a case where one is appropriate, then this is it.
I totally agree. She HAS talked to him. She’s in a terrible situation.
I think she needs to have one final talk, and make it CLEAR this is make or break, do or die. If she’s looking for an out to such an extent that she’s even contemplating cheating, then like you said: it’s ultimatum time.
Where they go from there depends on him. Which sucks. I similarly feel for her, cos it sounds like she’s somewhat trapped by her finances and kid. Maybe the answer is something like conscious decoupling — living together and staying married while seeing other people. Maybe it’s divorce (maybe she qualifies for alimony and the finances will be fine!) Maybe he goes to the doctor and it all gets better, and maybe it doesn’t.
But he’s being selfish by refusing to take any action here. He needs to either take steps to fix this or let her go, cos she’s in this unending middle-space, this purgatory, and that’s awful and unhealthy.
ETA:
And honestly… and this is totally gonna get me downvoted. But if she has that ultimatum conversation and he still refuses to do anything, and it turns out that the circumstances won’t let her get a divorce… then I think it’s morally acceptable to move on. At that point, I don’t really think it’s cheating. Cheating is about lying and dishonesty. She’s spent years trying to make it work — if she’s been honest and said “this is my limit, take it or I’m moving on,” and she’s trapped in a situation she can’t leave… then as long as her future partners know what’s happening and she isn’t hiding it from her husband or risking an STD, it isn’t cheating. It’s surviving.
And I say that as someone who has been cheated on. And say that as a kid who grew up in a home with an affair. I saw exactly the toll my dad’s affair took on my mom. I fully believe cheating is an asshole move.
But when you’re trapped and you’ve exhausted all other avenues of escape and everything is in the open and there aren’t any lies… you have a right to pursue your happiness.
OP is definitely between a rock and a hard place. There are three ethical options here: he fixes his shit, he consents to let her explore with other people, or she leaves him. The next step should be a hard conversation in which she lays those options out very plainly for him. After that, it's up to him.
I hate to see a marriage end over something that is likely fixable but OP can't keep setting herself on fire to keep hubs warm. Infidelity is definitely in the "setting herself on fire" category - even if she could live with herself, the mess she'd be in if caught is absolutely not worth it.
What convinced you to seek treatment? OP said:
>I suggested that he could seek an opinion from a psychologist or even our family doctor (we have the NHS so it is even free) but he got mad at me for suggesting.
It'd probably be helpful for her to have some tips on approaching him
Great advice! Was going to say the same about it probably being hormonal. And if that’s not the case seeing a therapist. Exhaust all the options that will keep the marriage together not the one that will surely destroy it. So if OP cheats definitely the AH.
I’m assuming there’s a hormonal component - but they have another issue of how he’s handling the situation where she tries to discuss it. It’s a very unhealthy and damaging communication style that is maybe just as harmful to their marriage as lack of intimacy.
I second this. My husband was experiencing those symptoms and had his levels checked.. his testosterone was half what it should be for his age. Now he gives himself a shot every 3 weeks, and he's been good since.
Key thing is he got it checked out, and demonstrated to you that solving this, something that (I infer) hurt you, was important to him, therefore preserving emotional intimacy while the physical was being figured out.
He's not doing that. 😞
Hard to do that if he adamantly refuses to see a doctor about it, the idiot. But yes, OP, cheating is not the answer. I'd tell him how close you are to ending the relationship because he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem and refuses to see a doctor about it. Maybe that will get him to finally address the problem.
Also, I'd actually consult with a lawyer, just to see what your options are. Could be you'd qualify for alimony from him, so your finances could be okay, even if you divorce.
If he loves her like a partner, he should see a doctor. If he loves her but isn’t *in love* with her anymore, he should let her go or open up their relationship in some way.
I really feel for this poor woman. She’s spent years in purgatory and doubting herself, and he’s just refusing to do the *bare minimum necessary* to alleviate those doubts.
Go see the lawyer!! If just to understand that final option!!!
And go see a therapist if he won't. It'll at least help you cope and make better decisions.
This is me. I have low testosterone. My primary care left the practice and my new doctor decided that for some unspecified and stupid reason that even with my weekly injection (some people have a problem absorbing the gel) my T level was low so he thought it would be a great idea to take me off and then sent me to an endocrinologist who agreed. I am assuming (hoping) that it is to get a clean baseline and they will put me back on, because I went from a constant horn ball that was always wanting to play with my wife to basically being inert sexually. Let me tell you, it really fucking sucks and I hate it. I hope that the course changes after my endo appointment later this month.
TLDR; tell him to go and get labs done for hormone imbalance or you want an open marriage, because you need dick.
Just wanted to chime in on this comment and say— YES. He’s at the age where testosterone production starts to decline. Take him to a local hormone replacement therapy clinic to get a blood test and see what’s really going on.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But this can be fixed.
Yes, but **he** has to be willing to get it checked out. This is the real red flag, his reaction over years of discussion.
Ngl, it was a *significant* factor in why I divorced my ex (who finally, after, got checked out).
I'm sure she'd happily stay with him if he were taking steps and at least making her feel she was desired in SOME way.
I don't condone cheating but I get it. However he has fundamentally changed terms of their marriage - e.g. not what she signed up for and it's a bfd.
Might be worth even posing an "either you get help or we have an open marriage" ultimatum. It's a horrible way to live, years of rejection like that :(
You are absolutely not the asshole for feeling what you feel.
But you ABSOLUTELY WOULD BE the asshole if you cheated.
Does he drink a lot? Masterbate a lot with or without porn? I simply don't understand men who are happy to live a sexless or near sexless life when they live with someone eager to fuck them?!! Maybe depression? Perhaps an NDRI (NOT SSRI!!) antidepressant would help him? But he needs to want this to get better for it to get better. If he won't do anything about this, see about a therapist or counselor for yourself. It might help you find better ways to communicate with him about your needs or get clearer about leaving him.
Tell him this is an absolute imperative for you and you can't continue in this marriage feeling so undesired and with him content to live with a basically non-existent sex life! No significant physical intimacy of any kind. Tell him couples therapy is absolutely warranted and you need him to go with you for both your own sakes!!
Before that conversation go talk to a divorce lawyer. Get a clear and realistic idea of exactly what you could expect from the divorce process and what kind of settlement, custody, child support would likely result. You can consider telling him in the conversation in the paragraph above that you are seriously considering a divorce if a solution can't be found.
Maybe he'll agree to a non-monogamous marriage of some sort? Maybe he would be happy to divorce and be supportive co-parents together. Maybe hearing words like "divorce" and, "Non-monogamous marriage" will knock some sense into him.
Just don't cheat!! It's a thing that can apparently feel incredible, especially at first. But from my non-trivial reading on the subject the pain and misery will follow the initial elation and pleasure and the pain and misery will not only fall on you, but your husband, and your whole family. Some women don't regret their affairs, but most do and it's almost always a huge mess in the end!
It's a complex and absolutely fascinating topic! And I don't know if it's best I link to this or not, but if you are seriously considering cheating on your husband, this may give you some good perspectives. And consider the related Patreon with the stories of the pain, suffering and humiliation that men feel after they've been cheated on and think hard if you want to put your husband and father of your young child through that.
https://www.rawtruthpodcasts.com/
>men who are happy to live a sexless or near sexless life when they live with someone eager to fuck them?!
Could be a load of things. I personally just fucking hated the work that went into it and how it ate up what little free time I had when we were married with kids, not to mention how incredibly hard it was to please her. I was in my mid 20s so it wasn't a hormone issue, some people just get tired of it.
This. I have been married ten years and I lost interest in having sec withhher because my organs just didn’t matter to her.. I was responsible for her and my orgasm.
Sex would often be her having multiple Os and me getting over it after an hour and no desire to cum..
That made it hard for me to want sec with her.
I brought it up many times, even in therapy… she’s just a selfish person and it never really clicked. She tried to give me head but there is nothing worse than head form someone who doesn’t enjoy it. Think dry blowjob, no saliva… handjobs with no lube.. and she hated if cum touched her.
So, you get the idea
>I simply don't understand men who are happy to live a sexless or near sexless life when they live with someone eager to fuck them?!!
Because every man should be a perpetually sex crazed lunatic with no ability to say no.
Consent is apparently a one way street to you. So long as someone else is eager to fuck them, to you it's wrong for them to ever say no
It's this or ED, either from an underlying health condition or mental condition. Healthy men for the most part want sex unless something is killing the drive.
If it's not a health issue, he may be getting his needs met elsewhere...wouldn't be the first time some guy had a mistress on the side, a second family even...I hate to suggest it, but he's making her feel like shit for no reason and rebelling against getting any help, maybe because he's hiding something...
I was married for 16 yrs to a man who used sex as a weapon- if I disappointed him, offended him, laughed too much or too loudly, he would not touch me for weeks. No yelling or hitting, but nearly as painful because it made me ashamed of my own needs. If this is the case, he won’t change
More than likely as he's getting older his testosterone levels are dropping and he doesn't have the same desires as he used to. This is normal it is also normal for guys to be stubborn about their health as most all men want to stand tall in the protecter/ provider role. This is where I would start, might be a slow process but trying to get him to start taking testosterone supplements or something to that effect would be where I would put my efforts.
If you cheat, you absolutely would be TA.
But please tell your husband the latter part of this post. It really got to me and I don't even know you. Particularly the part about your self identity, the impact it's having on you etc. Be brutally honest. Tell him what you're considering as a way of feeling desired or wanted again.
Ask him to be as honest about his sexual interest in return, but be prepared for some home truths. He may be struggling too.
Intimacy and sexual desire is an integral part of a relationship. Not having these needs fulfilled is absolutely grounds to have a frank conversation about the parameters of your relationship. It is likely it's the intimacy you're missing more than the act of sex. Cheating rarely leads to the kind of intimacy you're likely craving and could potentially lead to short term relief with long term regret. If your husband is not willing to engage with you or make some changes so you feel fulfilled in your relationship it is at that point that I'd consider ending it.
Please god, do not cheat on your husband without having some kind of crisis talks first. The emotional toll adultery takes on someone is significant, particularly in a relationship as significant as yours. This could potentially lead to you feeling worse and significant trust issues with your husband moving forward. You could also set fire to all the good parts of your current relationship and trying to get that back could prove impossible.
I cosign all of this except “tell him what you’re considering as a way of feeling desired or wanted again.” Do not tell your husband you’re thinking about cheating on him. That is a terrible idea. Even if unintentionally that is a threat and will ruin the very important conversations you two need to have
Yep! Telling someone you’re thinking of cheating on them immediately plants the seed of distrust. Relationship would forever be tainted with a threat of cheating.
Do not tell your husband you are thinking of cheating on him.
Tell him literally everything else.
Also do not cheat.
Once again do not tell him you are/were thinking of it. This would be a huge mistake and assuredly cause way more issues (rightfully so)
Do not cheat. You will never forgive yourself. It’s difficult, but it seems as though you two have an open enough relationship to try and work through this with him. A 39 year old male should want sex, if he’s on medication for depression or anxiety, it can suppress those urges.
I’m not making excuses for him - you’ve clearly stated your need for contact and he’s chosen to continue to turn you away - but there may be something else going on with him either emotionally or psychologically that’s making sex unimportant or unnecessary.
Please, don’t cheat.
Seconding the advice with the addition that undiagnosed depression or burnout without treatment may be an even worse libido killer than a medicated one.
YWBTA if you cheated.
I’d suggest you each seek a therapist to identify and work through your personal struggles. With luck that gives you both the tools to talk about them and work things out. If that leads to struggles, look at couples counseling to resolve those next.
Sorry bud. Sone things in life men benefit from but sex is one we lose in.
I had a dude yell at me saying I should cook more. I’m like “bitch, my wife cooks 3 times a month. I work 4 jobs and do 80% of the cooking.”
Men will be called liars or make excuses for the wife otherwise. I’m just glad my wife overall is still very interested in me and we don’t have the problems you or OP have.
lmfao yea this would be the answer 100%
If a woman doesn’t want sex it’s alway “well have you helped with the kids and cooking/cleaning?”
When a man doesn’t want sex it’s always “Oh maybe he needs to see a doctor”
People do have different types of libidos. Men and women. This dude could be happy with having sex once a month. Doesn’t make it right for her but sometimes there isn’t any other reason then “that’s just how they are”
All of the comments I've been scrolling are telling her she'd be the asshole if she cheated.
She would be.
She should divorce him if he refuses to try and work on the problem. Everyone deserves to be loved the way they crave to be, and she can figure out how to provide for her daughter. Divorce is the lesser evil against cheating, every single time.
She could also ask permission to open up the relationship but that very, very likely would go over extremely poorly. OP should just have a very serious talk with him and lay out the options and go from there.
Stop talking to the friend that hits on you, because that’s wildly inappropriate and they aren’t a true friend. And get counseling because there is never a reason to cheat. Either get professional help or leave him. You’re the asshole.
I noticed this bud didn't really call it out. Lots of different opinions on handling this kind of thing, but I'd say you're generally an asshole if you still consider him a good friend and aren't distancing yourself from him.
Yeah, this sounds like emotional infidelity already... which isn't great. She's keeping that person on a string in-case she decides she wants to cheat, and that's a really dangerous game to be playing.
Everyone’s saying she’d be the asshole if she did it like having conversations about cheating with a ‘friend’ doesn’t already make you a terrible person. YTA.
It's absolutely reasonable to consider sex to be an important part of a relationship. If you need it more than is happening and it's damaging to you, then it should be important to your husband too. Because what hurts one, hurts the relationship. Talk to your husband and tell him that the current situation isn't working for you and it has to change. If you can't manage that together without help, then get help. If you want to be free to explore with someone else, then discuss that too. Just going out and doing it secretly isn't the answer here. But if you can't get what you need and your husband is unwilling to do his part to provide that, then the relationship is dead.
I’m not your moral compass however what I will say is this. Societal expectations are if Person A and Person B are in a consenting monogamous relationship and Person A went elsewhere for intimacy most people would say that would make Person A an AH.
If your intimacy needs aren’t being met you have the autonomy to decide how you wish to proceed.
A frank discussion with your husband about this would be the first step. If he’s unwilling to talk about what the problem is or seek medical advice perhaps he’d be willing to change the status of you marriage from monogamy to a polyamorous one. If he’s open to the idea then you both would need to discuss what a polyamorous marriage would look like and agree on rules and boundaries.
There’s no need to break anyone’s trust by violating it because there are always options available that maintain one’s integrity.
Well said. Unfortunately too often the answer of significant other is that if I don't have you, no one else can either. Which is wild considering they do not want to initiate sexual relationships with you.
Very well put.
It looks like she wants to, but her husband is opposed to the idea. She can't exactly drag him kicking and screaming to counseling if it's not something he wants
Your husband could have medical issues he is unaware of and should be seen. Don’t cheat, you will always have the label for the rest of your life if you do.
Seek counseling and please don’t ask him to open the marriage just get divorced.
If you're asking us if CHEATING makes you an asshole? yes. Cheating always makes you an asshole.
If you're unhappy in your relationship, do the grown up thing and get a divorce. If you think you will have a hard time after getting a divorce, let me tell you that you'll have the shittiest time when your husband divorces you and fights you on everything once he finds out about the cheating.
By the way, if you're entertaining constant advances from a co-worker and not telling your husband about it, that's already cheating IMO.
If you are close friends with someone who wants to sleep with you, and you know they'll keep it secret, it sounds like you've already made your decision. You came here seeking validation. You are getting sex roughly once a month, and your husband is apparently meeting all your other needs, so is it worth throwing all the good parts away to get some dick? Maybe your husband needs to see a doctor. He may have some hormone troubles or some other issue. The fact that you are already having discussions about it with your "close friend" means YTA. Do the right thing and divorce this man, you do not love him. He deserves better.
BINGO someone else has a brain here and sees through bullshit. She’s alrdy done made up her mind she just waiting on some green light to pull the trigger and cheat which she’s already mentally cheating imo shes YTA
lol I’m glad someone finally is calling it for what it is.
Honestly, I read this post as OP having already cheated and coming to Reddit to get a consensus on whether the vast majority would be on her side due to “reasons on why she just had to cheat instead of having self respect and telling her partner she feels unattractive.”
It’s so pathetic and I hope the husband sees the post and get smart
He definitely could have some health issues. Same exact thing happened to me and my husband wouldn’t touched me. I would always think he was cheating on me and it was never the case. Unfortunately he started having testosterone and hormonal issues that was fixed when I told him I would leave him because I was being tempted to have sex with other guys and would rather divorce him instead of cheat on him.
Yta if you cheat
I think my ex husband likely had a hormone imbalance but kept refusing to get it checked until he was served with divorce papers. Don't know if he ever took care of it because I was done by then. Hopefully he did instead of dragging another woman down. OP, if your hubby won't work on your relationship, you either have to accept a dead bedroom or divorce. Good luck
You say you love him, but you're so unhappy you're gonna lie and cheat to get what you want...ya know that doesn't sound like love to me.
How I think this ends: you end up divorcing him anyways once you find someone who gives you what you want. If you do the divorce first it'll be wayyyy less messy
You’ve lined up an affair partner, of course YTA.
You two need counselling or a divorce. Torpedoing your marriage with an affair won’t help it and will make things worse.
If you’re at the point of cheating, then just get a divorce. Saying you want your daughter to be near her dad and your job doesn’t pay enough for you to leave are not good enough reasons to dishonor your marriage and then stay. Choose.
Yes, regardless of how bad your relationship is on this side, YWBTA for cheating, of course.
You do need to find a solution by ending the MARRIAGE, share custody, if you can't earn enough for full custody (I'm not sure how this works legally, just spitballing what you said)
End the marriage if it's this bad for your mental health(maybe open marriage, but I'm not a fan of that, as it usually causes more harm than not from what I've seen), but dont let it affect you this much... Focus on your self, your work, your child, your life. Don't let him not wanting you define who you are, because IT DOES NOT.
Have some real discussions with him saying this really affects you and you can't go on like this.
Either he opens up on his problems, why he doesn't want you, and work on fixing them, or you will find somebody who will appreciate and love you.
This conversation needs to happen with your husband.
You can't just keep holding everything in and live like this.
Good luck.
People get mad at men who complain about this all the time. I think it's bullshit when they do it to the men. And it's bullshit for you too.
That being said, you should have the open discussion with him. Tell him that you want to find solutions for the difference in your sexual needs. Tell him how you're feeling. But there absolutely needs to be a shift, and potentially discussing opening up the marriage.
That being said, I don't want to call him an AH for not having much of a libido. But it is troubling he's not looking for any help.
NAH
NTA for feeling how you feel.
You will be an asshole if you cheat.
With that said, If you know you are not going to be able to live like this you need to have an "all cards on the table" conversation with your husband. Tell him that you love him, you want to stay married, but you want more, and you'd like more with him but since he's not making moves it's leaving open big temptations for extramarital affairs. Then ask for his advice about what he would do if your roles were reversed. Ask him what your options are. Maybe he'll surprise you? I don't know.
But I do know that if you don't have an "all cards on the table" conversation you will most likely end up having some kind of affair that if it ever comes out will have far more destructive consequences than anything that will come of a hard conversation.
NTA
No. Bad advice. Do not say you’ll be tempted if he doesn’t have sex with you. Worst possible thing you could say.
You need to sit him down and make him articulate the reason. Maybe it isn’t you. Is he having problems with erectile dysfunction? Don’t get up without getting a reason.
Communicate.
They already had that discussion. And she IS already tempted. It's not the worst possible thing she could say. I'm suggesting that it's time to be completely blunt and honest. What's worse, talking about the possibility or actually doing it? because actually cheating is what's being discussed here.
That's why it's time to be completely blunt and honest. This is where she is. If this does not move him to open up and address this issue then no amount of pussy footing around it will. "Cards on the table" time.
of course ywbta if you cheat what type of dumb question is this? talk you your husband, tell him what you need, if he can't provide it end the relationship.
op has no empathy. reverse the situation. would it be okay for him to cheat on her?? no. you don’t cheat on your spouse. either leave or stay and support. insane
Definitely DONT cheat. But is anyone actually reading the post? She mentions she has talked to him about it and how it makes her feel. She mentions that he should seek medical health (hormones or ED) and he gets mad.
She has done a lot of the things you all are suggesting, except maybe being more forcefully about it. She isn’t asking for, “right here right now,” but it doesn’t seem like he is making an effort at all.
The media does a really good job at making women think our husbands should be all over us at all times and always want sex, so if they don't, we immediately feel like something is wrong with us. THAT'S ALL BULLSHIT. You need to know that.
It could very well be his aging causing hormonal changes, which isn't uncommon. You're not alone in this. I've been in your shoes, and there are lots of posts on Reddit to show how many others have.
DO NOT CHEAT. Talk to your husband again. Explain to him, without blame, how unsatisfied and unhappy you are. Ask him to go to a doctor for at the very least some blood work, or to try therapy. If you cheat, you'll never be able to undo it and you'll be the one in the wrong. Also, not that it matters morally, but you have no way of knowing if the person you choose would even be a good sexual match for you, and if not, you've blown up your whole life for maybe 20 minutes of disappointment.
If you want me to be honest, kinda seems like you already have an idea and want Reddit to give you the go ahead to cheat so you feel less shitty.
Well, your feelings are valid, everyone has those thoughts especially in your situation, but you become a mega asshole if you do engage in cheating. And shut down this friend, especially if he knows you’re married. That ain’t a friend.
Make it known! And don’t stop making it known to him. You can’t have your cake and eat it to 99.99% of the time, because from my understanding a closed to open relationship never really works out and vice versa. For now though, NTA but the moment you cheat YTAH.
YTA why you trying to coerce him into sex? Maybe he is tired from doing all the housework and cleaning on top of his full time job. Maybe try to do more around the house and stop letting him Dad you.
Edit
LOL this was a copy of an upvoted comment where the sex were reversed.
NTA for how you feel, but you will be if you cheat on him.
here's the thing. he's not going to take this issue seriously until you force him to. he's continuing to ignore it because the hassle you give him about it is less difficult for him than talking to you honestly would be.
as long as your fear of divorce is holding you back from taking a stand, he's not going to be willing to change. he has to be shown how serious this issue is, and you have to be willing to stand your ground and insist.
also: DO NOT CHEAT!!!
it would be better for you to risk divorce before resorting to cheating. if you cheat, in most places that's gonna give the betrayed spouse all the advantages in court. your marriage may be in danger, but that doesn't mean you need to skip several steps and burn it down around yourself.
if you can't get your husband to meet you halfway and even discuss the issue with you, then you need to prepare for a divorce anyway. at least then you can do it on your own terms and come to an acceptable agreement with things like child support and alimony. if you cheat, you'll 99% chance get caught, and then you'll lose your marriage and most likely custody, child support, and any chance of alimony, while ALSO have to deal with the guilt of being a cheater.
if you don't cheat, your marriage still may be doomed, but you can keep your self-esteem and your honor and move forward with pride in yourself to find a new partner who appreciates you physically as well as emotionally and fucks your brains out like you deserve.
Go to a sex therapist with your husband. You said you want to have more sex with him. Do all possible things to work on your sex life with your husband. If you can get a babysitter, go on a couples retreat. It takes effort, but if you both put that effort in, you might be able to have a more fulfilling sex life. If he's not willing to do any of those things, then have one last discussion telling him that if things don't change, the marriage will need to end. Don't cheat. Just leave if it's really gotten to that point.
NTA for thinking about it but you will be if you act on it. You agreed when you got married to only have sex with your husband. If it’s not working for you then get a divorce. Cheating is not the answer, period.
Have you straight up told him you want him to fu*k your brains out? Maybe give that a try. Don’t cheat, the grass isn’t alway greener and it sounds like outside of the lack of sex it’s a pretty good relationship especially after that long. Also try to be firm in your need for couples counseling or like a sex therapy with him and tell him this is something you both really need to go to or your not sure if you can remain in the marriage if that’s how you feel.
Anyone here who tells you yes, go cheat, is scum. And so are you if you do it. Something is obviously wrong, and either your husband doesn't want to fix it/ is too embarrassed to fix it, or you aren't giving the full story. I'd be willing to bet that if your husband doesn't feel a cold sense of dread, if you were to bring up possible divorce over this problem, then it's not worth continuing the marriage. Talk to your husband about what you are feeling.
I stg if this were a man posting about how he didn't get sex from his wife anymore...
Unfortunately you can't have your cake and eat it too. Be frank. Be upfront. Show him the post. Tell him and if he doesn't listen then I suggest divorce.
Late 30s is too young to be dealing with no sex. You're in your prime girly
I'd say start by seeking counseling first. And also be very open with him about where your head is at, at whatever pace your counselor/therapist suggests. (If you don't feel very trusting with the therapist, find a new one. You need to find a therapist you vibe well with before going deep in my opinion). My natural drive isn't quite as misaligned with my wife's, but we've had to work on it over the years. I'm more of a 5x per week person, and naturally she's more like once per week. At our worst it was about once every two weeks. We've worked together at it over the years, and we average about 3x per week now. It's a compromise for both of us, but it's working well.
Compromise is the key word though. If your husband is unwilling to consider your feelings, compromise, or seek help then at some point you'll have to draw a line in the sand. As others have said, don't cheat. Destroying trust in a relationship is (again in my opinion) probably the hardest thing to recover from. If my wife wanted to be with another guy, at this point I'd say go ahead and thanks for not betraying our trust. However, a few years ago I would have absolutely melted down. We've built and rebuilt our relationship on trust over the past 16 years, and we've communicated until it feels natural to share our desires and concerns both. If we ever quit trying, I'm sure that will erode quickly.
I guess my point is that your feelings are perfectly valid, but acting impulsively will most likely cause regret and painful fallout. Give the right path forward a real shot (meaning openness, empathy, and professional help, ideally for both of you but at least for you personally), and if that isn't going to yield fruit then sever the ties before experimenting with others.
If you have to end your relationship with your husband, be very careful not to talk shit about him in front of your child. I have a couple of friends that went this route after divorce, and their kids have been remarkably well adjusted. At least from my perspective, it seems like divorce does the most harm when parents are flippant or cruel about how they speak about each other, especially in front of their children. Trying to turn the child against the other parent is obviously when the worst damage seems to occur. Co-parenting after a divorce may not be ideal, but I think being miserable for your child's whole upbringing would be worse.
Encourage your husband to seek help. Cheating isn’t the answer. You want that itch scratched now, but after it is the guilt comes and shit can get very real very fast.
I can't help with your feelings or situation.
But. I do know one thing. You have an affair or sleep with other men? Your husband finds out (which 9 / 10 he will) Your marriage will be over. Your marriage will end. That's reality.
Constant advances from a "work friend" that you know would keep it secret.
If you've gotten to that point and not felt it necessary to have nipped that in the bud, you're already TA.
Don't cheat. Your "desires" don't supercede your vows or trustworthiness. Nor does your financial situation make it okay.
File the papers, move out, prepare everything you need to for a future without your current husband, before you pursue a relationship with another man. If he's not cheating on you, and he's been a good husband in all other aspects over this relationship. You owe it to yourself and him to do things the right way. You say you really love him, but that's hard to wrap my mind around when it sounds like you're already mildly entertaining your work husband. Which is why I didn't suggest any other avenues first.
Don’t cheat but make sure he knows how big of a problem it is and keep escalating until he is motivated to work in it (talk about it then sleep on the couch? talk about it again and then stay at friends or parents for a few days? Then you can escalate to a threat of a separation and finally separation)
But first….have you literally tried tusing the same words with him? “I desperately want you to fuck my brains out?”
I would think most guys would find that pretty hot.
You need to sit down and tell him that you are a woman who has needs and wants but also ask him where he's at sexually, what's his views on sex is he no longer interested
You are not the asshole, but you seem a bit insensitive to him. He might have ED. He might just not want sex at the moment.
You women think we can just start fuking because yall want us to? A few kissing and touches? Just because we are men does not mean we can just flip a switch and get all hard and ready to fuk. No, as we get older we have issues that makes it more difficult.
The first being ED. Second could be his hormones. Third, outside pressure on his physical well being.
I know for me if I am having a hard day at work. The last thing on my mind is sex. I have had women think a blow job cures everything. Well it does not. Being stressed and miserable does not make me feel sexy.
You need to really sit down and have a talk with him first. If this does not work. Then perhaps therapy or Dr visit for hormone check.
Do not cheat on him please.
As a guy in his 30s, I'm in a similar boat. I'm fairly fit and healthy, but my sex drive is non existant. I was a slut when I was younger, I did a lot of experimentation, so I can say, it's just sex. I look back on it with nostalgia, but your desire to have your brains shagged out by someone else, will be a fleeting and regretable pleasure.
Dont get hung up on the "What ifs".
I've been with my partner for 12 years. I still love her and find her attractive, I, honestly just don't care about sex anymore, I don't need it to feel intimate or loved.
That been said, I do still have sex with her because she still has a decent sex drive, and I use pills to help.
Your husband should try the same.
Feeling desired sexually is 100% a valid need, /u/Strictly_Pricklee, and i understand ending a relationship if your partner is no longer willing to take your needs into consideration. However, as others have said, cheating cannot be undone and will more than likely bring your marriage to a very messy end.
You both need to get with a therapist to talk through this in a supported environment. He's not hearing you, at least not how it's hurting you right now. Maybe he has low Testosterone, maybe he's forgotten how to connect with you, maybe he's become more asexual in the last few years and would be open to you having sexual connections outside of the marriage. I don't know what's going on with him, but none of that is going to just casually come up without some very involved conversations. I wish you the best of luck.
As a high libedo man with a low libedo wife, I speak as one of many men to few of many women. It always makes me sad to see that there somehow are HL women out there with LL men when it feels like everyone I know is a HL man with a LL woman. I love my wife, but it's a missed opportunity for a certain kind of joy in life to be with a partner who wants to regularly fuck your brains out. HL's settle for getaway weekends where we might get lucky, when what we genuinely want is a getaway weekend where we do nothing but sit in the hotel all day long and just fuck constantly, with raw, primal passion. It feels like having a lion and constantly having to keep it in its cage.
Therein is the fantasy though. The reality is more couples than not having a mismatch libedo. It's never an excuse to cheat, it is simply just something you have to work on in your marriage. You made a vow to your partner. If the sex life has gotten so bad that it is damaging to your relationship, you have to try counseling. If counseling doesn't work, or your partner isn't interested, than make it clear that the relationship existing is at stake. Unless you're both open to ethical non-monogamy.
Yes, if you cheat once, you will feel alive for the first time in years. But it is a fleeting thrill ride that ends as quickly as it starts, and the only thing left in its wake is pain and regret. Regret that you betrayed your partner, and deeper regret that you loved every second of the primal passion as it happened. The better path is to either forge a functional partnership with the one you have, or END what you have to find a better relationship elsewhere.
IMO, you have already cheated emotionally as you're not shutting down the attention and validation from this other guy. This other guy knows he is wiggling his way in as your not shutting it down. I get where your feelings are, but your actions are wrong here.
In the end, wouldn't you rather leave, keep your dignity intact, and find love else where or become someone else's conquest.
Once you betray your husband you can never undo it and your husband will never be able to forgive you. So if you want to end your marriage do it the right way, get counseling and give him the chance to save the marriage. You have a child involved that will need both parents raising her without hating each other if you divorce. Do it the right way. If you cheat YTA.
I just want to mention that sex 1x/month is well within the realm of “normal.” Only you can decide if this is workable for you. I highly suggest marriage counseling first.
YTA. Get him to go to the Dr. He may have low testosterone. If he won’t go, have a long talk. If that doesn’t work, buy some toys. Still nothing, get a divorce. You deserve to be happy in your sex life, but cheating is not the way to do it. You’ll wreck your life and theirs.
I would tell him that he needs to discuss his issue with a doctor, actually work on the issue at home or the relationship might be over. Tell him exactly how this is impacting you and that you want to have everything with him, but you can't live untouched forever. I'm the one with the low libido in my marriage, but I work on it. I try really hard. I don't just get angry and ignore my hubby.
So I'm the HL wife (who once was an extremely confident, sexual being.) My LL husband (though I think desire is only one piece of the puzzle...he lacks confidence in general, his lifestyle isn't conducive to high energy sexual desire) gets *very* sensitive when we discuss this topic. Our cycle has come to a really sad dynamic for us both. I equate sex largely with rejection. I got so used to the rejected advances that I don't try much anymore, my heart can't take it. He equates it with failure, because whenever we discuss it, he thinks he is trying but can't do it right. (This is not true...he can totally do it, it's just not remotely a priority to him.) Whenever I've suggested seeing a doctor, talking about testosterone whatever...he also gets mad. I've realized it's because discussing options makes him feel like something is *wrong* with him. No matter how many times we calmly discuss, he can get really defensive. I feel what you've said here deeply. The want to simply *be desired* is huge and years of sexual rejection does destroy self-esteem. But we finally worked on communication and a lot of acceptance. We actually talk about these things now, openly and honestly. It's not always pretty, but we reached a greater understanding of our personal feelings towards sex, its importance and how to work through the detrimental dynamic we've created. Don't cheat, OP. Please don't. My mind has wandered there (and not really sex, more just fantasies about a stranger paying attention to me!) but it is not and will never be worth it. Try a therapist, try communicating, try asking questions. He likely gets mad because he's ashamed and doesn't know how to handle it. I could be wrong.
Another incredible response. You are one of the great things about reddit. Must have gotten a huge shot of empathy as a child and it is enough to last forever.
Aw, thanks buddy. :)
I also struggle with a partner who doesn’t have much of a drive, or really any at all anymore. My spouse had a total hysterectomy due to cancer when she was 35. We are only in our early 40s now. There are definitely days and times I want and need more, but I love the shit out of her. Any pressure just makes her feel pain for being totally A-sexual these days, or worse, might make her feel she needs to do something she is not comfortable with just to make me happy for a few minutes. I loathe the idea of making her feel either of those feelings. To just rub salt on all the wounds, we’ve had a traumatic few years in our family due to a number of issues out of our control and that’s also wiped our intimacy clean as well. But when we have strung together a few months of normalcy, we have gotten back on track and it takes work like this commenter has shared. Communication, vulnerability, and truly engaging with intentional efforts to build desire. One really successful period began with a commitment to have some safe touch time every night and to share an intimate kiss every night in bed. My wife would take long baths to relax and would spend it giving some time to generate fantasies about the act. We bought some CBD lubricant to relax her body. Got some toys to use for foreplay. That all transformed into an extended period of consistent intimacy. And we’ve both developed the wisdom to know, and the trust with each other to believe, that marriage is long and that things can come and go in cycles. That philosophy and trust is why I have no need to consider any requests to go outside our marriage. I trust that even though things are challenging now, the time will come again when we are more active.
Was in a situation like this with my ex wife. I read so many books, sought advixe onine. Even went so far as fo seek mental help because I was made to feel as though I must be a sex addict. After many sessions with a therapist (also being told I was just a normal person with a healthy libido) and doing everything I could in the hopes of improving her qualify of llife as it was the "go-to" reasons that seemed reasonable. In the end I just became a slave to our household. Did all the domestic labor, stayed home so she could attempt to have a social life. Helped her start a new career that she always dreamed of doing. Many many months later their was no change. Finally I went to my last session and without her telling me to get a divorce specifically she did tell me it was time to put myself first before I need more help just to cope. So I asked for a divorce and she didn't even battle me on it. I went from being rejected for years and feeling inadequate as a lover, as a partner. Feeling as though I was unattractive, unloveable and ultimately not deserving of being loved the way I felt I deserved. Then I went on my first date after separating and most of it came back. First time I had sex and the person I was with was not only enthusiastic but complimented me on how good it was I finally felt alive again. I have tremendous empathy for anyone going through this because the people who are LL really don't understand the psychological effects if has on their partners. They also don't understand how much work WE put into the relationship to try to fix the issue just to be told it's all we think about. The LLs don't understand that the relationship exists and can really only survive if BOTH people feel fulfilled within it. So while the LL might think we're being selfish and only thinkng of sex, the truth is were more worried about the relationship dissolving because we know their eventually will be a breaking point.
>I'm the one with the low libido in my marriage, but I work on it. I try really hard. I don't just get angry and ignore my hubby. Bless your heart. My wife has no interest in me and that's my problem. She couldn't care less about my unhappiness, but would certainly have gone nuclear if I cheated on her. So instead I stuck it out until our kid left for college. Then I left. Honestly, I don't even think she misses me.
Fuck, Brother. I feel like I am watching my life very quickly turn into this exact scenario. Please tell me those years flew by at least...
Sadly, I think it's sort of common. And when it's not that pattern it's the pattern of OP's post. People with matched libidos (even just same interest in physical affection) post kids seems to be very rare. And some say hormones, others psychology (marriage/parenthood changes people, if you're disgusted by the thought of your parents doing it, what happens when you're a parent? What happens when you only see your spouse as a parent?), sometimes it's just work exhaustion, but it just sucks. Flew by? I mean I found ways to occupy my time but no, it did not fly by. I stayed to give my daughter a stable start. Never fought in front of her except for that one last time. Really we never fought except for this one issue, but it's the one I can't replace by hiring somebody. I can't solve the issue without her, but I'm the only one with an issue.
Mine has no interest. Then when we eventually do have that intimate moment she gets all happy and says "why don't we do this more often". The next time I initiate she shuts me down. She doesn't initiate and gets upset when I try to. Man, it sucks.
That sounds like something that could be worked through with therapy, if she's open to it. I was similar for a long time. I had a sort of mental block because of some bad experiences early on and it was very hard for me to relax and enjoy my partner because at the back of my mind I kept thinking "am I really safe? Or is he just after this and nothing else?" Then I'd finally give in out of guilt and afterwards get to a place where I realize 'okay maybe' but would have to start the mental process all over again the next time. As I grew more secure and worked through stuff, my desire to be with him grew. Now we're like rabbits. Can't go a day without it (if life keeps us apart we bitch about it lol). I adore him and enjoy being with him, and I'm so glad he helped me work through it and was in a place not to take the early rejections so hard. But I couldn't have done it without the help of a therapist and friends I could be completely honest with, and I talked openly with him the whole time and explained where my hang ups were. ETA: sorry you're dealing with it, though. I always worried about my partner feeling defeated so I made an effort to work on it and be as open as possible to make it work.
Damn, sorry man. That’s so sad, I hope you’re getting what you want now though!
No, haven't really figured out the dating in my 50's thing, and I'm all fucked up on the inside. But I have hopes for the new year. Thanks for your wishes.
My bf went through something similar and now he has me with him every night. It will get better!!!
Maybe he's got a hormone problem. Regardless, please don't cheat. It's a bell you will never be able to unring.
It can be this - it happened to me, ended up being a tumor. Had a great endocrinologist that helped me. It could also be depression / meds for depression making things difficult on his end. If he cannot perform, may not want to start.
It’s a real shame the way society has pressured men to feel like failures of some sort if they can’t get hard. There are other routes to orgasms and intimacy besides a hard dick, and they’re all valid as long as they’re shared by consenting and enthusiastic adults.
>It can be this - it happened to me, ended up being a tumor. Had a great endocrinologist that helped me.It could also be depression / meds for depression making things difficult on his end. If he cannot perform, may not want to start. The thing is, at least in my case, it wasn't physical - it was just totally no drive / lack of interest. I was just in pain with constant headaches and angry a lot.
I’m really sorry that happened to you :/ I hope you are feeling much better now!
Right medicine to reduce the tumor and I am SO much better. Wife says I am not an AH anymore :) I really don't even remember much about it, just a painful haze that became part of my life.
Where was your tumor located? How did they find it?
Sounds like a prolactinoma (pituitary tumor)
Mine never gave me headaches. Just leaky boobs.
Holy shit man you're describing me. I am actually set to see a cardiologist, but my nurse fiance and other research we've looked into have been leading us to think it may be nuerological or a tumor. I have these wild head rush feelings that leave me super dizzy and strugle to have any energy
Could be a sleep apnea. I had the same issues.
Came here to say this. I was in my early 20s when my sex drive disappeared. After I had my CPAP for about a year, it came back a little, but still not much. Now I'm 30 and still don't get in the mood often. I'm glad my wife is understanding, but I know it's not what she wants.
And what pointed your doctors in the direction of a tumor?
I think a lot of people overlook that it's usually not a plumbing problem and more a desire and drive problem when it comes to severe depression.
I agree but if he isn’t even willing to do that or have the conversation then what else is she supposed to do? It’s more than sex, he isn’t communicating his needs, giving a shit about hers and it ruins all trust and safety in the relationship. It’s no longer a safe place to be open and honest. Walls are up
The answer to "what else is she supposed to do?" is exactly what most men do: either suck it up and live in a sexless marriage, or leave. And every time you see the roles reversed everyone in the comments is shitting on the man because he wasn't meeting her emotional needs and that's why she didn't want sex. They also say that a dead bedroom is no excuse for cheating, that if the sex isn't as frequent as you want and she's not willing to change her either had to suck it up and live in a sexless marriage or leave. The same standard has to apply here
Sounds like he's not interested in any intimacy.
I'm sorry, but sometimes yes it's the orgasm and it's a hard dick that will get you off in the long run but also I think in general she wants to have the intimacy with her husband. So I don't think that it's just about having a hard dick and getting her braids effed out of her she wants to have that connection with her husband again. She wants to have the intimacy with her husband. She wants to get her brains effed out by her husband. She wants to feel loved by her husband. But because she doesn't feel any of those things from her husband she's thinking about going elsewhere. Hopefully they can find a solution to a hormone problem with him if that is what it is or if it is another underlying issue. But I honestly think that the big issue is she wants to be intimate with her husband straightforward.
It would be a completely different conversation if he didn’t get angry every time she tried to talk about him getting help.
“We’re going to do something. We’re not going to just sit here and let our marriage fall apart. ***Something*** has changed. I don’t know what it is, and you don’t ***seem*** to know (or care) what it is. So, unless you do know and can tell me right now, we’re going to go through an investigative process to try to find out. I don’t care what ***kind*** of health care professional we start with, but we’re going to start with a health care professional… so you can tell me whether that’s going to be someone more in the realm of physiology or psychology. But you have until the end of the [week/month/year/whatever] to do it. And if not, then I’ll decide for us.” OP, I hate to say or suggest this, but… do you think it’s possible that: 1.) he is cheating (and thus, is already getting his sexual needs met elsewhere)? 2.) he has cheated (even if just once), and contracted some sort of STI/STD that he now wants to protect you from? (only mentioning these less-likely possibilities because I didn’t see anyone else mention them)
Could be embarrassed or anxious surrounding the situation. If OP notices it, I'd say he does too. I would think OP's husband still has sexual desire to her mentally - maybe he's embarrassed bc his hormones aren't connecting the dots anatomically for him. Also time out of consistent sex means the sexual bond and attraction would be weakened. Maybe try having a conversation with your husband about it - not around the time of asking or wanting to have sex
For years though..
a fully grown man who won’t get help after his wife has begged him to doesn’t earn much sympathy from me.
Yes, it's not about the sex in general, she wants to feel desired and loved and she is feeling rejected and unloved right now. He needs to see a doctor. This is one of those times where giving an ultimatum is allowed. He could have some serious health issues going on and not getting it checked out and delaying treatment could be detrimental to his health. She should tell him to either go to the doctor and see what is going on, or she files for divorce because having an unwilling partner is not a marriage. Marriage can absolutely last without sex, but it won't last without intimacy and feeling desirable by both people in the marriage. His constant rejection and anger is only making things worse for their marriage and the ultimatum is probably the only thing that will open his eyes at this point.
Get her braids effed out ..is my new fav phrasr
Intimacy =/= PIV. Never shame guys with erectile issues. But encourage them to get help if possible.
Does OP say he’s having erectile issues? *You* seem to be inferring that. She says he rejects intimacy and gets mad at her when she tries to talk about it.
I'm not talking about op, I'm talking about the general topic and comment chain. Attacks on someone's ability to maintain an erection is one of the most common insults.
Why are you trying to make it about that it's not? It's nothing to do with him not being able to get hard. The problem is there is zero intimacy or any effort on his part to be enthusiastic about it at all. I'm sure she'd be happy if he was at least trying, but he's not. He keeps rejecting her.
I was more commenting on “If he can’t perform, he may not want to start” and how men are pretty much taught if their dick won’t get hard then they may as well not even try. That sucks, and it closes so many doors to intimacy for them. You’re right, that may not be OP’s issue, I was just talking about it in a general way, not necessarily pertaining to this particular instance.
Yeah, that does suck. I've always been super encouraging and understanding of my partners, particularly with intimacy stuff. It happens to basically everyone, no one should be shamed for it. Most of the time it's an issue with nerves and perception, not an actual physical problem. It sounds like OP's partner does have something going on and it's sad that he doesn't seem willing to be honest (even with himself?) about what is going on for him.
Is erectile dysfunction the only thing that can make you not want to be intimate with your partner?
>There are other routes to orgasms and intimacy besides a hard dick Certainly, but for some of us the dick is the thing that is satisfying. I mean, I adore oral and toys, but I am not satisfied sexually until I have been properly dicked.
She doesn't say it's a physical issue. Just that he rejects all forms of sexual intimacy so that's harsh to assume. Yes tho a e other forms of intimacy is valid she is saying he has cut off all the forms of intimacy go her.
I thought my ex had low testosterone. I begged him to get checked out. I also asked him to pursue therapy because it's normal and healthy to do so. I also see a therapist. I never alienated him and even offered to pursue help with him if it would make him feel better. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Turns out he might have low t, but his primary wheelhouse diagnosis is being a total fucking asshat, which I don't think there's a cure for. Take care of yourself and don't light yourself on fire to keep a child of the devil warm.
i had ~this too - pseudo-Cushing's, testosterone near zero, no sexual interest in anyone or anything, and i still had sex with my then wife when she initiated and did my best to make it fun and hot. in my view depression and low libido are no excuse to sexually deprive your partner, and the fact that her husband has made minimal effort to change or even explore the root of the problem makes me question how much of a partner he's willing to be.
If you had zero testosterone and no erection issues I question the validity of what you're saying. There's a massive difference between not wanting sex and not being able to perform sex. Most of OP post is geared towards her own feelings and not his which could be a contributing factor. Not all partners are sensitive and understanding about performance issues, and this can make it worse. I'm sure your SO would be very happy to hear you didn't want to F her but did it out of duty. Well done
If it's that, he could even caress her, love her, do the motions, do oral and then use a vibrator, and she can work on him... in different ways, too. Sex doesn't have to be jackhammering black&decker to be satisfactory for both sides.
Yep depression and meds can really mess you up im glad my wife understands cause at first it was embarrassing
Could also be high blood pressure.
This . Mine got down to the 40s before I got checked . I had zero sex drive . Just no interest. Getting my testosterone balanced has been great . I feel so much better and have a great sex drive . Cheating is never the answer OP. Don’t be that person. Leave him before doing that. It will cause more issues than it will fix . Talk to him, have him get labs ran and sort the problem. If it’s not hormonal then get a therapist. But do not cheat.
He’s literally said no to a therapist and doctors. I’m not saying that cheating is the answer here, but OP’s frustration is very understandable. She’s run all the “reasons” by him and he’s either rejected looking into the reason, or denying it’s a reason. So of course she starts to blame herself.
Cheating obviously isn't the answer, but it's wild to me that people will suggest the most obvious suggestions, as if OP hasn't already exhausted herself trying those ideas. "Talk to him", "Ask him to see a doctor, it could be a hormonal problem", "It could be depression, see if you can get him in to see a psychologist", as if she didn't explicitly state that she already tried all these things?? When the mere suggestion of medical help makes him angry, I'm not sure what else she's supposed to do. It's not like she can force him to see a doctor against his will. It also sounds like this has been going on for *years*. Their daughter is 3, and she says this was already a problem before she was even born. How many years should a person stick with someone who has zero interest in solving an important problem like this? I feel for OP. She shouldn't cheat, but she should consider having an honest, ultimatum type conversation with her husband. It can be approached gently and with sensitivity, but she needs to make it clear that she is unhappy with the years of lack of intimacy, that it is damaging their marriage, and tell him that he needs to see a doctor and/or psychologist. She can offer to be there to support him and work through whatever it is, but just getting mad, refusing to do anything about it, and continuing to neglect his wife's needs for years and years isn't an acceptable option anymore.
Indeed. I get that cheating isn’t the answer, but suggesting she do all of the things she has already said she has tried and he has refused sounds ridiculous. It’s time for a come to Jesus moment for him. Either he wants to save that marriage or he doesn’t. Ultimatums suck, but if there’s a case where one is appropriate, then this is it.
I totally agree. She HAS talked to him. She’s in a terrible situation. I think she needs to have one final talk, and make it CLEAR this is make or break, do or die. If she’s looking for an out to such an extent that she’s even contemplating cheating, then like you said: it’s ultimatum time. Where they go from there depends on him. Which sucks. I similarly feel for her, cos it sounds like she’s somewhat trapped by her finances and kid. Maybe the answer is something like conscious decoupling — living together and staying married while seeing other people. Maybe it’s divorce (maybe she qualifies for alimony and the finances will be fine!) Maybe he goes to the doctor and it all gets better, and maybe it doesn’t. But he’s being selfish by refusing to take any action here. He needs to either take steps to fix this or let her go, cos she’s in this unending middle-space, this purgatory, and that’s awful and unhealthy. ETA: And honestly… and this is totally gonna get me downvoted. But if she has that ultimatum conversation and he still refuses to do anything, and it turns out that the circumstances won’t let her get a divorce… then I think it’s morally acceptable to move on. At that point, I don’t really think it’s cheating. Cheating is about lying and dishonesty. She’s spent years trying to make it work — if she’s been honest and said “this is my limit, take it or I’m moving on,” and she’s trapped in a situation she can’t leave… then as long as her future partners know what’s happening and she isn’t hiding it from her husband or risking an STD, it isn’t cheating. It’s surviving. And I say that as someone who has been cheated on. And say that as a kid who grew up in a home with an affair. I saw exactly the toll my dad’s affair took on my mom. I fully believe cheating is an asshole move. But when you’re trapped and you’ve exhausted all other avenues of escape and everything is in the open and there aren’t any lies… you have a right to pursue your happiness.
OP is definitely between a rock and a hard place. There are three ethical options here: he fixes his shit, he consents to let her explore with other people, or she leaves him. The next step should be a hard conversation in which she lays those options out very plainly for him. After that, it's up to him. I hate to see a marriage end over something that is likely fixable but OP can't keep setting herself on fire to keep hubs warm. Infidelity is definitely in the "setting herself on fire" category - even if she could live with herself, the mess she'd be in if caught is absolutely not worth it.
What convinced you to seek treatment? OP said: >I suggested that he could seek an opinion from a psychologist or even our family doctor (we have the NHS so it is even free) but he got mad at me for suggesting. It'd probably be helpful for her to have some tips on approaching him
Great advice! Was going to say the same about it probably being hormonal. And if that’s not the case seeing a therapist. Exhaust all the options that will keep the marriage together not the one that will surely destroy it. So if OP cheats definitely the AH.
And, if worse comes to worst, split with him first!! Be promiscuous *outside* of a relationship, not while in one!
I’m assuming there’s a hormonal component - but they have another issue of how he’s handling the situation where she tries to discuss it. It’s a very unhealthy and damaging communication style that is maybe just as harmful to their marriage as lack of intimacy.
I second this. My husband was experiencing those symptoms and had his levels checked.. his testosterone was half what it should be for his age. Now he gives himself a shot every 3 weeks, and he's been good since.
Key thing is he got it checked out, and demonstrated to you that solving this, something that (I infer) hurt you, was important to him, therefore preserving emotional intimacy while the physical was being figured out. He's not doing that. 😞
This- he may have low testosterone and should get checked.
Hard to do that if he adamantly refuses to see a doctor about it, the idiot. But yes, OP, cheating is not the answer. I'd tell him how close you are to ending the relationship because he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem and refuses to see a doctor about it. Maybe that will get him to finally address the problem. Also, I'd actually consult with a lawyer, just to see what your options are. Could be you'd qualify for alimony from him, so your finances could be okay, even if you divorce.
If he loves her like a partner, he should see a doctor. If he loves her but isn’t *in love* with her anymore, he should let her go or open up their relationship in some way. I really feel for this poor woman. She’s spent years in purgatory and doubting herself, and he’s just refusing to do the *bare minimum necessary* to alleviate those doubts.
Go see the lawyer!! If just to understand that final option!!! And go see a therapist if he won't. It'll at least help you cope and make better decisions.
My first thought as well
This is me. I have low testosterone. My primary care left the practice and my new doctor decided that for some unspecified and stupid reason that even with my weekly injection (some people have a problem absorbing the gel) my T level was low so he thought it would be a great idea to take me off and then sent me to an endocrinologist who agreed. I am assuming (hoping) that it is to get a clean baseline and they will put me back on, because I went from a constant horn ball that was always wanting to play with my wife to basically being inert sexually. Let me tell you, it really fucking sucks and I hate it. I hope that the course changes after my endo appointment later this month. TLDR; tell him to go and get labs done for hormone imbalance or you want an open marriage, because you need dick.
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Just go to a new doctor they shouldn’t be messing with you like that
Just wanted to chime in on this comment and say— YES. He’s at the age where testosterone production starts to decline. Take him to a local hormone replacement therapy clinic to get a blood test and see what’s really going on. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But this can be fixed.
She can't force him to get help. She talked and talked to him about it. I really wish people would stop skipping that fact.
Yes, but **he** has to be willing to get it checked out. This is the real red flag, his reaction over years of discussion. Ngl, it was a *significant* factor in why I divorced my ex (who finally, after, got checked out). I'm sure she'd happily stay with him if he were taking steps and at least making her feel she was desired in SOME way. I don't condone cheating but I get it. However he has fundamentally changed terms of their marriage - e.g. not what she signed up for and it's a bfd. Might be worth even posing an "either you get help or we have an open marriage" ultimatum. It's a horrible way to live, years of rejection like that :(
You are absolutely not the asshole for feeling what you feel. But you ABSOLUTELY WOULD BE the asshole if you cheated. Does he drink a lot? Masterbate a lot with or without porn? I simply don't understand men who are happy to live a sexless or near sexless life when they live with someone eager to fuck them?!! Maybe depression? Perhaps an NDRI (NOT SSRI!!) antidepressant would help him? But he needs to want this to get better for it to get better. If he won't do anything about this, see about a therapist or counselor for yourself. It might help you find better ways to communicate with him about your needs or get clearer about leaving him. Tell him this is an absolute imperative for you and you can't continue in this marriage feeling so undesired and with him content to live with a basically non-existent sex life! No significant physical intimacy of any kind. Tell him couples therapy is absolutely warranted and you need him to go with you for both your own sakes!! Before that conversation go talk to a divorce lawyer. Get a clear and realistic idea of exactly what you could expect from the divorce process and what kind of settlement, custody, child support would likely result. You can consider telling him in the conversation in the paragraph above that you are seriously considering a divorce if a solution can't be found. Maybe he'll agree to a non-monogamous marriage of some sort? Maybe he would be happy to divorce and be supportive co-parents together. Maybe hearing words like "divorce" and, "Non-monogamous marriage" will knock some sense into him. Just don't cheat!! It's a thing that can apparently feel incredible, especially at first. But from my non-trivial reading on the subject the pain and misery will follow the initial elation and pleasure and the pain and misery will not only fall on you, but your husband, and your whole family. Some women don't regret their affairs, but most do and it's almost always a huge mess in the end! It's a complex and absolutely fascinating topic! And I don't know if it's best I link to this or not, but if you are seriously considering cheating on your husband, this may give you some good perspectives. And consider the related Patreon with the stories of the pain, suffering and humiliation that men feel after they've been cheated on and think hard if you want to put your husband and father of your young child through that. https://www.rawtruthpodcasts.com/
>men who are happy to live a sexless or near sexless life when they live with someone eager to fuck them?! Could be a load of things. I personally just fucking hated the work that went into it and how it ate up what little free time I had when we were married with kids, not to mention how incredibly hard it was to please her. I was in my mid 20s so it wasn't a hormone issue, some people just get tired of it.
This. I have been married ten years and I lost interest in having sec withhher because my organs just didn’t matter to her.. I was responsible for her and my orgasm. Sex would often be her having multiple Os and me getting over it after an hour and no desire to cum.. That made it hard for me to want sec with her. I brought it up many times, even in therapy… she’s just a selfish person and it never really clicked. She tried to give me head but there is nothing worse than head form someone who doesn’t enjoy it. Think dry blowjob, no saliva… handjobs with no lube.. and she hated if cum touched her. So, you get the idea
>I simply don't understand men who are happy to live a sexless or near sexless life when they live with someone eager to fuck them?!! Because every man should be a perpetually sex crazed lunatic with no ability to say no. Consent is apparently a one way street to you. So long as someone else is eager to fuck them, to you it's wrong for them to ever say no
It's this or ED, either from an underlying health condition or mental condition. Healthy men for the most part want sex unless something is killing the drive.
If it's not a health issue, he may be getting his needs met elsewhere...wouldn't be the first time some guy had a mistress on the side, a second family even...I hate to suggest it, but he's making her feel like shit for no reason and rebelling against getting any help, maybe because he's hiding something...
I was married for 16 yrs to a man who used sex as a weapon- if I disappointed him, offended him, laughed too much or too loudly, he would not touch me for weeks. No yelling or hitting, but nearly as painful because it made me ashamed of my own needs. If this is the case, he won’t change
More than likely as he's getting older his testosterone levels are dropping and he doesn't have the same desires as he used to. This is normal it is also normal for guys to be stubborn about their health as most all men want to stand tall in the protecter/ provider role. This is where I would start, might be a slow process but trying to get him to start taking testosterone supplements or something to that effect would be where I would put my efforts.
If you cheat, you absolutely would be TA. But please tell your husband the latter part of this post. It really got to me and I don't even know you. Particularly the part about your self identity, the impact it's having on you etc. Be brutally honest. Tell him what you're considering as a way of feeling desired or wanted again. Ask him to be as honest about his sexual interest in return, but be prepared for some home truths. He may be struggling too. Intimacy and sexual desire is an integral part of a relationship. Not having these needs fulfilled is absolutely grounds to have a frank conversation about the parameters of your relationship. It is likely it's the intimacy you're missing more than the act of sex. Cheating rarely leads to the kind of intimacy you're likely craving and could potentially lead to short term relief with long term regret. If your husband is not willing to engage with you or make some changes so you feel fulfilled in your relationship it is at that point that I'd consider ending it. Please god, do not cheat on your husband without having some kind of crisis talks first. The emotional toll adultery takes on someone is significant, particularly in a relationship as significant as yours. This could potentially lead to you feeling worse and significant trust issues with your husband moving forward. You could also set fire to all the good parts of your current relationship and trying to get that back could prove impossible.
I cosign all of this except “tell him what you’re considering as a way of feeling desired or wanted again.” Do not tell your husband you’re thinking about cheating on him. That is a terrible idea. Even if unintentionally that is a threat and will ruin the very important conversations you two need to have
Seconded. The distrust that creates alone could be enough to douse the remainder of their relationship.
Yep, that’d be the anti-viagara
The viagara falls !
Penis repellant.
Yep! Telling someone you’re thinking of cheating on them immediately plants the seed of distrust. Relationship would forever be tainted with a threat of cheating.
Would totally shoot his horse.
And it feels like manipulation. Even if it’s not. My ex husband used that threat as a way to get sex from me.
Yea that’s a an auto “see you later”
"I'm thinking about cheating on you. Now please fuck me." 🤣
Do not bring up what you are considering as a part of it. Never threaten cheating as a part of why don’t we have sex more often conversation
Telling your partner that you're considering cheating is terrible terrible advice, everything else is golden though.
This is such a great reply! Please don’t cheat
Do not tell your husband you are thinking of cheating on him. Tell him literally everything else. Also do not cheat. Once again do not tell him you are/were thinking of it. This would be a huge mistake and assuredly cause way more issues (rightfully so)
Do not cheat. You will never forgive yourself. It’s difficult, but it seems as though you two have an open enough relationship to try and work through this with him. A 39 year old male should want sex, if he’s on medication for depression or anxiety, it can suppress those urges. I’m not making excuses for him - you’ve clearly stated your need for contact and he’s chosen to continue to turn you away - but there may be something else going on with him either emotionally or psychologically that’s making sex unimportant or unnecessary. Please, don’t cheat.
(If you cheat, UATA.)
Seconding the advice with the addition that undiagnosed depression or burnout without treatment may be an even worse libido killer than a medicated one. YWBTA if you cheated. I’d suggest you each seek a therapist to identify and work through your personal struggles. With luck that gives you both the tools to talk about them and work things out. If that leads to struggles, look at couples counseling to resolve those next.
While I understand the way you're feeling, it would still make you an asshole if you did it.
You can't eat cats, Kevin.
If you cheat you are a major ass hole. If you are that unhappy leave the marriage but don’t cheat. You can’t keep your family and cheat too.
If the roles were reversed you would absolutely think hes an AH for wanting to cheat
If the roles were inversed it would more like "just because you are married she does not owe you sex. She doesn't belong to you! Break up"
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Lolol too accurate😂
Sureeeee The comments would be so different. She’s a mother now! She’s tired! You don’t help her! She’s cooking 🫣😂
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Unfortunately that’s the double standard. Not having sex in a marriage is not normal, but it’s always justified if the woman doesn’t want ?
Sorry bud. Sone things in life men benefit from but sex is one we lose in. I had a dude yell at me saying I should cook more. I’m like “bitch, my wife cooks 3 times a month. I work 4 jobs and do 80% of the cooking.” Men will be called liars or make excuses for the wife otherwise. I’m just glad my wife overall is still very interested in me and we don’t have the problems you or OP have.
lmfao yea this would be the answer 100% If a woman doesn’t want sex it’s alway “well have you helped with the kids and cooking/cleaning?” When a man doesn’t want sex it’s always “Oh maybe he needs to see a doctor” People do have different types of libidos. Men and women. This dude could be happy with having sex once a month. Doesn’t make it right for her but sometimes there isn’t any other reason then “that’s just how they are”
Indeed, the empathy shown in this thread would turn to antipathy if the OP were male.
If the roles were reversed every swinging dick in here would be saying she’s getting it elsewhere.
All of the comments I've been scrolling are telling her she'd be the asshole if she cheated. She would be. She should divorce him if he refuses to try and work on the problem. Everyone deserves to be loved the way they crave to be, and she can figure out how to provide for her daughter. Divorce is the lesser evil against cheating, every single time. She could also ask permission to open up the relationship but that very, very likely would go over extremely poorly. OP should just have a very serious talk with him and lay out the options and go from there.
Ywbta, if you're unhappy, divorce before you sleep with someone else.
Stop talking to the friend that hits on you, because that’s wildly inappropriate and they aren’t a true friend. And get counseling because there is never a reason to cheat. Either get professional help or leave him. You’re the asshole.
I noticed this bud didn't really call it out. Lots of different opinions on handling this kind of thing, but I'd say you're generally an asshole if you still consider him a good friend and aren't distancing yourself from him.
The fact that someone outside her marriage feels that comfortable enough to make those suggestions to her speaks volumes
True . A true friend doesn't want you to cheat on their spouse .
Yeah, this sounds like emotional infidelity already... which isn't great. She's keeping that person on a string in-case she decides she wants to cheat, and that's a really dangerous game to be playing.
Thank you. She’s already the asshole for entertaining all these sexy “friend” overtures.
Everyone’s saying she’d be the asshole if she did it like having conversations about cheating with a ‘friend’ doesn’t already make you a terrible person. YTA.
It's absolutely reasonable to consider sex to be an important part of a relationship. If you need it more than is happening and it's damaging to you, then it should be important to your husband too. Because what hurts one, hurts the relationship. Talk to your husband and tell him that the current situation isn't working for you and it has to change. If you can't manage that together without help, then get help. If you want to be free to explore with someone else, then discuss that too. Just going out and doing it secretly isn't the answer here. But if you can't get what you need and your husband is unwilling to do his part to provide that, then the relationship is dead.
This seems to be the more healthier responses here.
I’m not your moral compass however what I will say is this. Societal expectations are if Person A and Person B are in a consenting monogamous relationship and Person A went elsewhere for intimacy most people would say that would make Person A an AH. If your intimacy needs aren’t being met you have the autonomy to decide how you wish to proceed. A frank discussion with your husband about this would be the first step. If he’s unwilling to talk about what the problem is or seek medical advice perhaps he’d be willing to change the status of you marriage from monogamy to a polyamorous one. If he’s open to the idea then you both would need to discuss what a polyamorous marriage would look like and agree on rules and boundaries. There’s no need to break anyone’s trust by violating it because there are always options available that maintain one’s integrity.
Well said. Unfortunately too often the answer of significant other is that if I don't have you, no one else can either. Which is wild considering they do not want to initiate sexual relationships with you. Very well put.
Get counseling
It looks like she wants to, but her husband is opposed to the idea. She can't exactly drag him kicking and screaming to counseling if it's not something he wants
Knowing the NHS, the wait to see psychiatrist is going to be quite long (usually more than 6 months)
That’s because psychiatrists prescribe medication. They don’t provide therapy. Psychologists do that.
The waiting time for psychologists can be equally as long I'm afraid
Well the time to signup was a few years ago, the next best time is today.
Your husband could have medical issues he is unaware of and should be seen. Don’t cheat, you will always have the label for the rest of your life if you do. Seek counseling and please don’t ask him to open the marriage just get divorced.
but also he might just be working a lot, they're aging, and they have a kid. he might just be tired.
Tiredness is real shit.
If you're asking us if CHEATING makes you an asshole? yes. Cheating always makes you an asshole. If you're unhappy in your relationship, do the grown up thing and get a divorce. If you think you will have a hard time after getting a divorce, let me tell you that you'll have the shittiest time when your husband divorces you and fights you on everything once he finds out about the cheating. By the way, if you're entertaining constant advances from a co-worker and not telling your husband about it, that's already cheating IMO.
I agree, knowingly flirting with people is already crossing a boundary for me.
If you are close friends with someone who wants to sleep with you, and you know they'll keep it secret, it sounds like you've already made your decision. You came here seeking validation. You are getting sex roughly once a month, and your husband is apparently meeting all your other needs, so is it worth throwing all the good parts away to get some dick? Maybe your husband needs to see a doctor. He may have some hormone troubles or some other issue. The fact that you are already having discussions about it with your "close friend" means YTA. Do the right thing and divorce this man, you do not love him. He deserves better.
BINGO someone else has a brain here and sees through bullshit. She’s alrdy done made up her mind she just waiting on some green light to pull the trigger and cheat which she’s already mentally cheating imo shes YTA
lol I’m glad someone finally is calling it for what it is. Honestly, I read this post as OP having already cheated and coming to Reddit to get a consensus on whether the vast majority would be on her side due to “reasons on why she just had to cheat instead of having self respect and telling her partner she feels unattractive.” It’s so pathetic and I hope the husband sees the post and get smart
He definitely could have some health issues. Same exact thing happened to me and my husband wouldn’t touched me. I would always think he was cheating on me and it was never the case. Unfortunately he started having testosterone and hormonal issues that was fixed when I told him I would leave him because I was being tempted to have sex with other guys and would rather divorce him instead of cheat on him. Yta if you cheat
I think my ex husband likely had a hormone imbalance but kept refusing to get it checked until he was served with divorce papers. Don't know if he ever took care of it because I was done by then. Hopefully he did instead of dragging another woman down. OP, if your hubby won't work on your relationship, you either have to accept a dead bedroom or divorce. Good luck
I don’t get this. When things like this happen to me I recognize the situation and try and improve it.
You say you love him, but you're so unhappy you're gonna lie and cheat to get what you want...ya know that doesn't sound like love to me. How I think this ends: you end up divorcing him anyways once you find someone who gives you what you want. If you do the divorce first it'll be wayyyy less messy
You’ve lined up an affair partner, of course YTA. You two need counselling or a divorce. Torpedoing your marriage with an affair won’t help it and will make things worse.
If you are going to cheat then atleast do the honorabke thing and end the marriage , cheating on your partner is just such a scummy move.
If you’re at the point of cheating, then just get a divorce. Saying you want your daughter to be near her dad and your job doesn’t pay enough for you to leave are not good enough reasons to dishonor your marriage and then stay. Choose.
Yes, regardless of how bad your relationship is on this side, YWBTA for cheating, of course. You do need to find a solution by ending the MARRIAGE, share custody, if you can't earn enough for full custody (I'm not sure how this works legally, just spitballing what you said) End the marriage if it's this bad for your mental health(maybe open marriage, but I'm not a fan of that, as it usually causes more harm than not from what I've seen), but dont let it affect you this much... Focus on your self, your work, your child, your life. Don't let him not wanting you define who you are, because IT DOES NOT. Have some real discussions with him saying this really affects you and you can't go on like this. Either he opens up on his problems, why he doesn't want you, and work on fixing them, or you will find somebody who will appreciate and love you. This conversation needs to happen with your husband. You can't just keep holding everything in and live like this. Good luck.
People get mad at men who complain about this all the time. I think it's bullshit when they do it to the men. And it's bullshit for you too. That being said, you should have the open discussion with him. Tell him that you want to find solutions for the difference in your sexual needs. Tell him how you're feeling. But there absolutely needs to be a shift, and potentially discussing opening up the marriage. That being said, I don't want to call him an AH for not having much of a libido. But it is troubling he's not looking for any help. NAH
NTA for feeling how you feel. You will be an asshole if you cheat. With that said, If you know you are not going to be able to live like this you need to have an "all cards on the table" conversation with your husband. Tell him that you love him, you want to stay married, but you want more, and you'd like more with him but since he's not making moves it's leaving open big temptations for extramarital affairs. Then ask for his advice about what he would do if your roles were reversed. Ask him what your options are. Maybe he'll surprise you? I don't know. But I do know that if you don't have an "all cards on the table" conversation you will most likely end up having some kind of affair that if it ever comes out will have far more destructive consequences than anything that will come of a hard conversation.
NTA No. Bad advice. Do not say you’ll be tempted if he doesn’t have sex with you. Worst possible thing you could say. You need to sit him down and make him articulate the reason. Maybe it isn’t you. Is he having problems with erectile dysfunction? Don’t get up without getting a reason. Communicate.
They already had that discussion. And she IS already tempted. It's not the worst possible thing she could say. I'm suggesting that it's time to be completely blunt and honest. What's worse, talking about the possibility or actually doing it? because actually cheating is what's being discussed here.
If she doesn’t have the answer then they didn’t have a real discussion. He reacts with anger which means something is going on.
That's why it's time to be completely blunt and honest. This is where she is. If this does not move him to open up and address this issue then no amount of pussy footing around it will. "Cards on the table" time.
She has communicated multiple times and he blows her off??
[удалено]
Then have an easy amicable divorce and move on. Cheating is never the answer.
of course ywbta if you cheat what type of dumb question is this? talk you your husband, tell him what you need, if he can't provide it end the relationship.
I’m voting YTA for entertaining another man’s advances, knowing his intentions.
For real, the dude is not a friend, OP. He just wants to fuck you. That's it. Real friends don't want you to cheat on your husband.
op has no empathy. reverse the situation. would it be okay for him to cheat on her?? no. you don’t cheat on your spouse. either leave or stay and support. insane
This is what happened to my best friend and her husband. He ended up dying of cancer. I would take your hubby for a full work up at the drs
Definitely DONT cheat. But is anyone actually reading the post? She mentions she has talked to him about it and how it makes her feel. She mentions that he should seek medical health (hormones or ED) and he gets mad. She has done a lot of the things you all are suggesting, except maybe being more forcefully about it. She isn’t asking for, “right here right now,” but it doesn’t seem like he is making an effort at all.
Having sex with another dude will end your marriage. YTA.
The media does a really good job at making women think our husbands should be all over us at all times and always want sex, so if they don't, we immediately feel like something is wrong with us. THAT'S ALL BULLSHIT. You need to know that. It could very well be his aging causing hormonal changes, which isn't uncommon. You're not alone in this. I've been in your shoes, and there are lots of posts on Reddit to show how many others have. DO NOT CHEAT. Talk to your husband again. Explain to him, without blame, how unsatisfied and unhappy you are. Ask him to go to a doctor for at the very least some blood work, or to try therapy. If you cheat, you'll never be able to undo it and you'll be the one in the wrong. Also, not that it matters morally, but you have no way of knowing if the person you choose would even be a good sexual match for you, and if not, you've blown up your whole life for maybe 20 minutes of disappointment.
If you want me to be honest, kinda seems like you already have an idea and want Reddit to give you the go ahead to cheat so you feel less shitty. Well, your feelings are valid, everyone has those thoughts especially in your situation, but you become a mega asshole if you do engage in cheating. And shut down this friend, especially if he knows you’re married. That ain’t a friend. Make it known! And don’t stop making it known to him. You can’t have your cake and eat it to 99.99% of the time, because from my understanding a closed to open relationship never really works out and vice versa. For now though, NTA but the moment you cheat YTAH.
YTA why you trying to coerce him into sex? Maybe he is tired from doing all the housework and cleaning on top of his full time job. Maybe try to do more around the house and stop letting him Dad you. Edit LOL this was a copy of an upvoted comment where the sex were reversed.
This was gold. I knew exactly what you were doing after the first sentence. The double standards in this sub are baffling.
NTA for how you feel, but you will be if you cheat on him. here's the thing. he's not going to take this issue seriously until you force him to. he's continuing to ignore it because the hassle you give him about it is less difficult for him than talking to you honestly would be. as long as your fear of divorce is holding you back from taking a stand, he's not going to be willing to change. he has to be shown how serious this issue is, and you have to be willing to stand your ground and insist. also: DO NOT CHEAT!!! it would be better for you to risk divorce before resorting to cheating. if you cheat, in most places that's gonna give the betrayed spouse all the advantages in court. your marriage may be in danger, but that doesn't mean you need to skip several steps and burn it down around yourself. if you can't get your husband to meet you halfway and even discuss the issue with you, then you need to prepare for a divorce anyway. at least then you can do it on your own terms and come to an acceptable agreement with things like child support and alimony. if you cheat, you'll 99% chance get caught, and then you'll lose your marriage and most likely custody, child support, and any chance of alimony, while ALSO have to deal with the guilt of being a cheater. if you don't cheat, your marriage still may be doomed, but you can keep your self-esteem and your honor and move forward with pride in yourself to find a new partner who appreciates you physically as well as emotionally and fucks your brains out like you deserve.
Go to a sex therapist with your husband. You said you want to have more sex with him. Do all possible things to work on your sex life with your husband. If you can get a babysitter, go on a couples retreat. It takes effort, but if you both put that effort in, you might be able to have a more fulfilling sex life. If he's not willing to do any of those things, then have one last discussion telling him that if things don't change, the marriage will need to end. Don't cheat. Just leave if it's really gotten to that point.
NTA for thinking about it but you will be if you act on it. You agreed when you got married to only have sex with your husband. If it’s not working for you then get a divorce. Cheating is not the answer, period.
Have you straight up told him you want him to fu*k your brains out? Maybe give that a try. Don’t cheat, the grass isn’t alway greener and it sounds like outside of the lack of sex it’s a pretty good relationship especially after that long. Also try to be firm in your need for couples counseling or like a sex therapy with him and tell him this is something you both really need to go to or your not sure if you can remain in the marriage if that’s how you feel.
Anyone here who tells you yes, go cheat, is scum. And so are you if you do it. Something is obviously wrong, and either your husband doesn't want to fix it/ is too embarrassed to fix it, or you aren't giving the full story. I'd be willing to bet that if your husband doesn't feel a cold sense of dread, if you were to bring up possible divorce over this problem, then it's not worth continuing the marriage. Talk to your husband about what you are feeling.
Low testosterone. Ask him to get a physical and get that checked.
You should probably send him a link to this chat and say "wow this is similar to how I feel"
I stg if this were a man posting about how he didn't get sex from his wife anymore... Unfortunately you can't have your cake and eat it too. Be frank. Be upfront. Show him the post. Tell him and if he doesn't listen then I suggest divorce. Late 30s is too young to be dealing with no sex. You're in your prime girly
I'd say start by seeking counseling first. And also be very open with him about where your head is at, at whatever pace your counselor/therapist suggests. (If you don't feel very trusting with the therapist, find a new one. You need to find a therapist you vibe well with before going deep in my opinion). My natural drive isn't quite as misaligned with my wife's, but we've had to work on it over the years. I'm more of a 5x per week person, and naturally she's more like once per week. At our worst it was about once every two weeks. We've worked together at it over the years, and we average about 3x per week now. It's a compromise for both of us, but it's working well. Compromise is the key word though. If your husband is unwilling to consider your feelings, compromise, or seek help then at some point you'll have to draw a line in the sand. As others have said, don't cheat. Destroying trust in a relationship is (again in my opinion) probably the hardest thing to recover from. If my wife wanted to be with another guy, at this point I'd say go ahead and thanks for not betraying our trust. However, a few years ago I would have absolutely melted down. We've built and rebuilt our relationship on trust over the past 16 years, and we've communicated until it feels natural to share our desires and concerns both. If we ever quit trying, I'm sure that will erode quickly. I guess my point is that your feelings are perfectly valid, but acting impulsively will most likely cause regret and painful fallout. Give the right path forward a real shot (meaning openness, empathy, and professional help, ideally for both of you but at least for you personally), and if that isn't going to yield fruit then sever the ties before experimenting with others. If you have to end your relationship with your husband, be very careful not to talk shit about him in front of your child. I have a couple of friends that went this route after divorce, and their kids have been remarkably well adjusted. At least from my perspective, it seems like divorce does the most harm when parents are flippant or cruel about how they speak about each other, especially in front of their children. Trying to turn the child against the other parent is obviously when the worst damage seems to occur. Co-parenting after a divorce may not be ideal, but I think being miserable for your child's whole upbringing would be worse.
Encourage your husband to seek help. Cheating isn’t the answer. You want that itch scratched now, but after it is the guilt comes and shit can get very real very fast.
Absolutely YTA. There is never justification for cheating. You want your cake and to eat it too. Leave him or stay, don't fuck behind his back.
YTA and so is your friend. Stop trying to get permission from strangers. If you want to go that route, then do it. Just be ready for the consequences.
I can't help with your feelings or situation. But. I do know one thing. You have an affair or sleep with other men? Your husband finds out (which 9 / 10 he will) Your marriage will be over. Your marriage will end. That's reality.
Constant advances from a "work friend" that you know would keep it secret. If you've gotten to that point and not felt it necessary to have nipped that in the bud, you're already TA. Don't cheat. Your "desires" don't supercede your vows or trustworthiness. Nor does your financial situation make it okay. File the papers, move out, prepare everything you need to for a future without your current husband, before you pursue a relationship with another man. If he's not cheating on you, and he's been a good husband in all other aspects over this relationship. You owe it to yourself and him to do things the right way. You say you really love him, but that's hard to wrap my mind around when it sounds like you're already mildly entertaining your work husband. Which is why I didn't suggest any other avenues first.
Don’t cheat but make sure he knows how big of a problem it is and keep escalating until he is motivated to work in it (talk about it then sleep on the couch? talk about it again and then stay at friends or parents for a few days? Then you can escalate to a threat of a separation and finally separation) But first….have you literally tried tusing the same words with him? “I desperately want you to fuck my brains out?” I would think most guys would find that pretty hot.
You need to sit down and tell him that you are a woman who has needs and wants but also ask him where he's at sexually, what's his views on sex is he no longer interested
If you cheat.....ytah
You are not the asshole, but you seem a bit insensitive to him. He might have ED. He might just not want sex at the moment. You women think we can just start fuking because yall want us to? A few kissing and touches? Just because we are men does not mean we can just flip a switch and get all hard and ready to fuk. No, as we get older we have issues that makes it more difficult. The first being ED. Second could be his hormones. Third, outside pressure on his physical well being. I know for me if I am having a hard day at work. The last thing on my mind is sex. I have had women think a blow job cures everything. Well it does not. Being stressed and miserable does not make me feel sexy. You need to really sit down and have a talk with him first. If this does not work. Then perhaps therapy or Dr visit for hormone check. Do not cheat on him please.
As a guy in his 30s, I'm in a similar boat. I'm fairly fit and healthy, but my sex drive is non existant. I was a slut when I was younger, I did a lot of experimentation, so I can say, it's just sex. I look back on it with nostalgia, but your desire to have your brains shagged out by someone else, will be a fleeting and regretable pleasure. Dont get hung up on the "What ifs". I've been with my partner for 12 years. I still love her and find her attractive, I, honestly just don't care about sex anymore, I don't need it to feel intimate or loved. That been said, I do still have sex with her because she still has a decent sex drive, and I use pills to help. Your husband should try the same.
Feeling desired sexually is 100% a valid need, /u/Strictly_Pricklee, and i understand ending a relationship if your partner is no longer willing to take your needs into consideration. However, as others have said, cheating cannot be undone and will more than likely bring your marriage to a very messy end. You both need to get with a therapist to talk through this in a supported environment. He's not hearing you, at least not how it's hurting you right now. Maybe he has low Testosterone, maybe he's forgotten how to connect with you, maybe he's become more asexual in the last few years and would be open to you having sexual connections outside of the marriage. I don't know what's going on with him, but none of that is going to just casually come up without some very involved conversations. I wish you the best of luck.
As a high libedo man with a low libedo wife, I speak as one of many men to few of many women. It always makes me sad to see that there somehow are HL women out there with LL men when it feels like everyone I know is a HL man with a LL woman. I love my wife, but it's a missed opportunity for a certain kind of joy in life to be with a partner who wants to regularly fuck your brains out. HL's settle for getaway weekends where we might get lucky, when what we genuinely want is a getaway weekend where we do nothing but sit in the hotel all day long and just fuck constantly, with raw, primal passion. It feels like having a lion and constantly having to keep it in its cage. Therein is the fantasy though. The reality is more couples than not having a mismatch libedo. It's never an excuse to cheat, it is simply just something you have to work on in your marriage. You made a vow to your partner. If the sex life has gotten so bad that it is damaging to your relationship, you have to try counseling. If counseling doesn't work, or your partner isn't interested, than make it clear that the relationship existing is at stake. Unless you're both open to ethical non-monogamy. Yes, if you cheat once, you will feel alive for the first time in years. But it is a fleeting thrill ride that ends as quickly as it starts, and the only thing left in its wake is pain and regret. Regret that you betrayed your partner, and deeper regret that you loved every second of the primal passion as it happened. The better path is to either forge a functional partnership with the one you have, or END what you have to find a better relationship elsewhere.
Or maybe, you know, try discussing the problem with him instead of running to the first d/(k you find? YTA
IMO, you have already cheated emotionally as you're not shutting down the attention and validation from this other guy. This other guy knows he is wiggling his way in as your not shutting it down. I get where your feelings are, but your actions are wrong here. In the end, wouldn't you rather leave, keep your dignity intact, and find love else where or become someone else's conquest.
Yes, YTA if you go outside your marriage. If your husband will not seek medical care or counseling, get a divorce.
Once you betray your husband you can never undo it and your husband will never be able to forgive you. So if you want to end your marriage do it the right way, get counseling and give him the chance to save the marriage. You have a child involved that will need both parents raising her without hating each other if you divorce. Do it the right way. If you cheat YTA.
I just want to mention that sex 1x/month is well within the realm of “normal.” Only you can decide if this is workable for you. I highly suggest marriage counseling first.
YTA. Get him to go to the Dr. He may have low testosterone. If he won’t go, have a long talk. If that doesn’t work, buy some toys. Still nothing, get a divorce. You deserve to be happy in your sex life, but cheating is not the way to do it. You’ll wreck your life and theirs.
Anyone who is a risk of you ruining your marriage isn't a good friend as you put it.