Either that or he's just oblivious about his responsibilities and lacks any respect.
I'm not a poster child of a dad myself but I'm trying and I've fully dedicated my free time and paternity leave to my wife and our twin boys.
I've cooked, changed diapers and done the other chores, especially in the first couple of weeks to help my wife cope with the new situation of having two babies that wake you up every two hours.
If you're not up to the task, stop making babies, seriously.
I can understand it if you go in blind but this isn't their first kid so he knew how it is, even with a nanny.
Dad of 5 here, with 2 14-month old twins. Can definitely verify wanting time away to be a thing, but it's usually in the form of wanting some quiet, not replacing one noise circus with another.
NTA. You've just had a C-section, and you have a new baby plus a toddler at least. You need any should get your husband's help and emotional support (which a nanny cannot replace.). Now is not the time for even half of the activity you're describing.
It’s one thing if y’all divide chores and everything is neatly wrapped up then he can go out and all that.. but with 2 young kids, that’s NEVER the case. Our kids are older and we still tell people we have to wrap up events by 8 (or tone then down - usually like 1 friend over) to put them to bed.
This isn’t about the wife - he chose to have kids, part of that is adjusting to the new life you have chosen. Kids are work - but suck it up for the next ~5 years and you can start to return to normal for a few hours at a time. And it’s only fair - if you want to leave the kids with 1 parent, you have to give (sometimes push) the other to take some time off as well
This is why I implied in my parent comment, because I can't imagine that all of these different people he supposedly "networking" with don't know that his wife just had a baby, right? I feel like one of them would eventually ask how on earth he's able to come out partying with them all the time when he's got a newborn, a toddler, and a postpartum wife at home.
I think he's cheating on her
I really read that list and was like "Okay...yep...fair enough....I get it....maybe cancel that...maybe.....okay that's too much".
I know there's excessive extroverts out there so an introvert like me that'd never leave the house without my SO and just fuck the person 24/7 isn't a good measure, but at some point it's really just too much and then that point was overstepped by hosting a party at their house.
I love a good party but I think I would’ve absolutely lost it at 42, unplanned for, guests showing up. Then the husband saying he couldn’t ask them to leave at 7?? Why not? That’s weak. Just tell people it’s the kid’s bedtime and everyone has to go NOW! I think I would’ve gone out to the guests after my husband refusing to do it, and loudly told them myself in a somewhat unpleasant tone because I’d be angry at my husband. I don’t think I would have been able to stop myself after my husband behaving in such a lame, disappointing manner. OP is NTA. This is not the time for socialising.
It'd be one thing if he didn't have kids, but now is the time to be responsible. So many people seem to jump into parenthood without realizing the sacrifice it takes to be a good partner and parent. Wife and I are dinks, so I can't speak much on this, but even I know this is not acceptable behavior as a parent. He shouldn't have had kids if that is the lifestyle he wants. Real asshole move.
Right??!! It is NEVER acceptable to ‘tell’ your spouse that you will be hosting ppl, much less TELL HER you’ll be hosting over 40 when she just had abdominal surgery & a new baby!
I mean, I went to a concert at six weeks with our second child, but I did plan for my wife and kids to stay at my mom's so she had help. I asked my wife and she said yes. If she had said no, I would not have gone.
But there is a huge difference between one night and a party every other day. Now that my daughter is big enough, my wife has been out of town for the weekend twice in a couple of weeks.
Yeah huge difference between one night a month or even every couple weeks as long as both parties get a break like that.. versus the guy just kicking off regularly and going on multiple day excursions. That's insane.
Even if this networking is crucial, it should never take priority over OP and the child's health and well-being. It's completely stupid and apathetic to drag your wife to a wedding just 6 weeks after a c-section and then throw a huge party with a 8-week child in the house.
How is he paying for all this?
Separate your finances, stop paying for his perfect lifestyle or it will bite you when you eventually wake up and want a divorce.
Why would he ever become more responsible when you enable him in every way?
I’d fucking divorce my husband period end of story if he objected to this ask WHILE IN POSTPARTUM. Your husband sounds like a huge, useless douche. Such a DOUCHE he doesn’t RESPECT FEMALE OPINIONS. Fuck that noise - he sucks.
NTA, but your husband is.
As a bloke, I can safely say that your husband is a selfish git. He's not even acting as a Father, he's just the partner of a Mother. Parenthood is meant to be a joint venture, (including the sacrifices), but he somehow managed to miss that memo. Sit him down and tell him straight to buckle the hell up and pull his weight.
Not even a partner. He's treating her more like an accessory (needing her to be at a wedding 6 wks pp), employee (expecting her to plan and host an event for 42 ppl) and nanny (expecting none of the childcare to fall to him when he wants to have a good time). A partner would prioritize their partners healing. He's prioritizing himself and expecting her to pick up the fallout.
What I don’t get is-don’t others see that? If I was a dinner party guest and they had young new kids and that many folks I would feel odd. Especially if I was a guest at that and a party to any of the other social or “needed for work networking” people.
Makes me wonder about those folks he is surrounding himself with too.
Once went with my husband to visit a friend in a country town when we were passing through. NOBODY told me that his friends wife was ONE WEEK OUT OF HOSPITAL WITH A NEWBORN. I was so apologetic and so angry with both of those idiot men.
I’d bet most of them don’t know. And as a guest I would mortified if I showed up to a party and found out the wife was recovering from surgery and was told she would be hosting. My opinion of the husband would be so, so low. It would reflect so poorly on his character and could, ironically, negatively affect his career.
As an aside, if my husband ever told me we would be hosting 42 business associates I would laugh, tell him to have fun hiring cleaners and catering, and that I wouldn’t be there to play host. And I’m not postpartum with 2 young children.
Well, as a husband, I'd never put my family in that type of position to ever find out how 42 dinner guests feel about the situation. Even take out the surgery part. There's a newborn and toddler that have a regimented bedtime schedule. Not happening!
I would assume if he thinks he's in the right here, and he's socializing so often, he's surrounding himself with other entitled and selfish people who are telling him it's okay.
He's probably telling them: "We have a fully time nanny. Plus she's depressed, and staying home all day doing nothing else is not going to help her depression."
With that said, I'm a guy, and I still think the guy is a douche. I understand he needs some time alone to recharge his batteries, but he's taking it way too far.
I hope the party hasn’t happened yet so OP can ditch the husband and go somewhere else for a day or two. Maybe take the newborn, and leave the toddler with dad.
> He's not even acting as a Father, he's just the partner of a Mother.
I would argue that “partner” is an awfully kind word to use when referring to a spouse and parent who routinely prioritizes their own **wants** above their spouse’s and children’s *needs*
>I would argue that “partner” is an awfully kind word to use
"Fucking disgrace" is what sprang to my mind. "Partner" seems wildly inappropriate in context.
Yeahhhh, dad to two kids. OP's husband is being a total tosspot.
Once a week night out to have a drink with friends wouldn't be unreasonable. A 4 day international trip to Jamaica for a bachelor's stag? Hosting a 42 person dinner at eight weeks post C-Section?
OMGWTFBBQ [Wharrgarbl](http://sprinklerdog.com/)?
it makes me wonder about the “hosting” part. who’s going to be doing the shopping/prep/set up/serving/entertaining/clean up after that 42-person party? not him, i’ll bet.
He’s not even the breadwinner, which is what most “fathers” who act this way will take recourse to. She makes 3x as much money as him. No excuse for him to be such a scrub
Exactly. If OP earns 3x his share, can afford a nanny on her own, AND already takes the responsibility of raising the children… what exactly is the point of keeping this schmuck around? Funding his frat boy lifestyle sounds like a pretty piss poor investment to me.
100%. After my wife had our second (also 2 under 2), I gave up a lot of things. Slowed down golfing, going out with the boys, etc. she’s doing enough already and not sleeping a ton, I can buck yo abs help more than normal.
Same for me, although I didn't really see it as 'giving up' things, I just didn't want to do them anymore. Especially drinking binges and nights out. My priorities realigned and I didn't really want to be away from my family, even for short times.
Totally feel that. I ditched a long weekend fishing trip last year when my daughter was 2 month old. Would rather spend time with my son, who’s my best buddy and support. That said, going this year because you gotta do somethings for yourself as well.
My husband was a patrol officer with varied hours and required overtime. I had an emergency c-section with complications. Anytime my husband was off duty, he was home helping me. He even got up at night with me for feedings, etc.
He said he wanted to be there for the baby and me because he wanted to be there, be involved and be supportive. Sure he was exhausted, but he slept when he could and made sure we were okay. He took pride in being an active and attentive husband/father.
37 years later, we are still together, happy and enjoy making our family a priority. It has not always been easy and at times, very difficult, but in the end the “we” was always more important than the “me”.
The only “drawback” is that our daughters refuse to date anyone that doesn’t measure up to their dad, because they want a relationship like ours. It isn’t really a drawback, we just joke about the spinster sisters (my 2 and my sister’s 3) and furry four legged “grandkids”. 😏
Good luck OP. Your husband is kind of an ass. I wish you and your family well.
(Edit for clarity).
If my husband told me I needed to host 42 people with a newborn less than 8 weeks old, I would have taken the baby & gone to a hotel or my parents for the night. He could figure out the logistics while watching the toddler for the evening. You have a very self centered husband. NTA
The way my eyebrows hit my hairline at that… like the rest of it is already bad but that’s SURELY over the line? Like what person thinks that’s a good idea, new parent or not? FORTY TWO.
I would also be out of there. Bye bye have fun at your party, cos I certainly am not going to cater to over forty human adults when I have two kids under two. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
I’m also cringing at her having to go to a wedding at 6 weeks postpartum off a C-section “to make him happy”. It’s been a while since a story on Reddit had me wanting to give a man the Earl treatment but here we are
I feel so sad for OP that she still thinks he's a good guy when he's being a horrible husband and father. He might not be an evil person, but he sure is selfish and shitty.
Seems like she is also the breadwinner and pays for the nanny and everything herself while husband's pay is nothing in comparison.
So I don't really know why she is staying with him. At this point she has a better life without him. I'm not one to expect people to have equal money in relationships or expect them to make the other's life better because only the people in love know the worth of the other in their lives.
But at least don't make your partner's life harder. That is the bare minimum.
“she is also the breadwinner and pays for the nanny and everything herself”
Including the cost (financially, physically, emotionally and mentally) of hosting a party of 42!
OP needs to know her value. Even without being the main breadwinner, his demands on her after having had major abdominal surgery are shocking. That she could think that she owes him this to keep him happy tells me that she is horribly undervaluing herself. In addition to the couples counseling, OP may benefit from individual counseling sessions to open her eyes to how badly she is being taken advantage of.
I do hope he's not also having an affair on top of it all. NTA
If you don't want to be treated like a doormat, OP, stop lying on the ground for your husband to wipe his feet on you.
I don't think any type of counseling will help here. Op's husband is so delusional that he even demanded only male answers.
That, on top of everything else he demands of her, tells us what he thinks of women including his wife. He is not going to change, he will only het worse.
Right??? Many people aren’t recovered from post partum bleeding and are also recovering from MAJOR surgery. And just the general newborn stage state of being (sleepless, leaking milk, only maternity clothes still fit…) just ugh! What a self centered AH.
OP NTA.
If nothing else, among the 42 people there are surely some that are contagious with....maybe not COVID, but certainly something an 8 week old could catch and that could turn into something worse.
This. If my husband invited 42 people to my house at any point during our marriage I would lose my mind on him. Even if he invited half of that. If he did that with a newborn I would have taken my kids and let him fend for himself. NTA but your husband 100% is.
My husband absolutely will invite that many people over. My husband also is responsible for ALL the planning, food acquisition, etc. I’ll help make stuff, but I do zero planning or actual cooking. He also never, ever, EVER would have done this with a newborn in the house. He’s not an idiot, or inconsiderate like OP’s spouse.
The key is “give up some”. My husband says there’s zero excuse for him to have that many events, find a balance. Your family comes first, or you don’t have one. It is also unacceptable to make someone recovering from surgery go to a wedding because “it’ll make him happy.” And, it’s absolutely, completely unacceptable to spring 42 people on anyone for any reason. Much less when there’s an -infant- in the house.
Your husband is not a nice person. He is putting on the dad act for his kids, but he’s treating you like garbage.
Do any of those 42 have children or contact with children? It's rotavirus season, I got it from my baby cousin and seriously considered calling an ambulance for myself, because of the amount of fluids I was losing. An 8 week old baby is too young for any vaccines
OMG yes. My child had scheduled skull surgery as an infant, but most of the kids in the wards were there for a rotavirus outbreak, and guess what we brought home with us. It. was. not. fun.
Can I ask what kind of surgery it was? My grandaughter had to have skull surgery because her skull had no soft spot; it closed in the womb. They had to separate it to allow for her brain to develop. Not having it done could have delayed her development. It closed again, and she had to have it again a year later. She was a real trooper both times. She never once cried. It worked! She was always in advanced classes in school. She is in college going for a degree in biochemical engineering. I'm so proud of her!
Exactly the same. their top (sagittal) suture was closed, so it was a "cranialectomy," removing a part of the skull. Interestingly, tho the condition is not thought to be hereditary, my husband also had it! in the 60s they put a plastic spacer in but by the 90s (and presumably your granddaughter's time) they just leave the space open.
The women on Facebook obviously let him have it and he thought he'd get a more sympathetic audience from men. So the women who know exactly why OP is upset and are telling him she's right apparently have no bearing on his ability to reflect on his behaviour.
Yes!! OP: it's a bit red flag that the opinions of women, who would be IMPACTED by the inconsiderate behavior, are completely disregarded. Men's opinions only?
OP: you are married to a raging misogynist.
He was absolutely thinking, “the chicks will gang up on me but the dudes will gang up on you”. It’s pretty telling that not only did he only want people who would agree with him to respond, he was wrong about the guys agreeing in the first place.
You know the next excuse will be some version of “well Reddit isn’t everyone, all the people on that sub are biased …”
The man is not going to be convinced by anything as long as he has one friend telling him he’s not TA.
I'm nowhere near having kids and i would never host 42 people. Much less while recovering from MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY because this is what a c-section is and way too many people fail to realize this and minimize this major surgery.
Yeah… the length and number of social engagements outside the home can be negotiated. But bringing 42 people into their home (whose home has the space for that?) 2 months after a birth is ridiculous.
Absolutely agree. Also, I wouldn’t have tagged along to *any* event “just to make him happy”.
What an awful husband and father he is. He needs to grow up and realise that the party/socialising has to end somewhat because there are two children involved.
NTA. I showed this to my husband (since OP’s husband wants male opinions) and his exact recommendation was for OP to leave and go stay with someone who would care for her postpartum because her husband is a damn fool and not cutting it. He was absolutely flabbergasted that any father would think any of this is normal or ok.
NTA
I’m (54m) a father of 3 and a full time surgeon. Why didn’t your husband take paternity leave? Not even 1 week? If his company doesn’t offer paternity leave, then why didn’t he use vacation time? Why not use those days he was planning on going to Jamaica to HELP HIS WIFE? You’re recovering from a c-section for gods sake. If you have a nanny and you can afford boys trips and big parties, then finances shouldn’t be a factor. It’s a major red flag that he didn’t take any time off for the birth of his child.
To answer your question, a partner shouldn’t leave their recently post-op/postpartum spouse with young children to go on an optional boys bachelor trip. You shouldn’t throw lavish parties with multiple people with a newborn in the house and mom recovering from a c-section. Even 1 of these requests sound selfish and inconsiderate. The totality of what you’re describing doesn’t paint your husband in a favorable light. If accurate, he needs to grow up. This isn’t the 1800’s where a husband lets his wife deal with the kids and he goes about living his life as normal. The is especially true if the wife also works and contributes to the household finances.
I can hear your resentment and frustration in your post, and I can’t blame you. Your husband needs to prioritize his family or be comfortable with a dysfunctional relationship or failed marriage.
NTA. I have three kids, there was no paternity leave available to me when they were born. I used up all of my PTO each time to help out. I am also the sole breadwinner.
It’s bad for the babies, they can pick up on negative emotions, even if they can’t articulate. This is so many degrees of bad. It’s nearly unfathomable. If he was my friend I‘d tell him to his face what an a$$hole he is. I get angry just reading about this.
I also have 3 and my thought were the same. And also don’t he know when they have kids he is also a parent just like mom is and if mom isn’t able to get time for herself then he needs to step out. I remember my wife loved me so much when I would take the kids away to a park so she could soak in a big tub for a while and not be disturbed. Being dad is full time and it’s time to dedicate his time to wife and kids and slow the events away and late way down
Wow, great catch. I don't know how I didn't put it together, I guess it just got lost in the fire hose of shitty behavior from this guy, but I didn't realize until your comment that if he has days to take off work to go to tropical Island without his wife, why in the fuck didn't he take those days off to take care of his wife and newborn baby?!
I have a seasonal job where we work from about mid April to mid December. It's my families farm and we are currently in the process of transitioning towards me taking over managerial control of the farm. My wife and I are expecting our first, and thankfully the due date is in early December.
We plan on having 2 or 3 kids, and if either of them were born in the busiest part of our season, I wouldn't be able to just take paternity leave, but I sure as all hell wouldn't be taking multiple trips and late dinners. I would beg and pay handsomely for my mother to watch the older kids or even just take them to work with me.
Sure that would make things more difficult, but for fuck sakes, my wife would need support, and that support would make her feel loved and secure in our life. OP's husband seems to have no concern for her feelings of being loved and secure. All of his actions point towards a selfish and self centered man
I’m a father of three and will be less kind here. JFC. He needs to grow up and be a husband and father before he’s a friend and partier. Help his wife and children first and foremost. When they are 100% covered and all is well, then, and only then should he consider going out. Doesn’t have to be forever. But he couldn’t suck it up for even a few months. He is an AH and selfish as they come. What a low life jerk.
ETA if you were my daughter I’d be moving you back to my house to show him what a real father is. He does not deserve a wife and kids right now. Oh and NTA.
I can’t believe him making her go to a wedding 6 weeks post c-section. That’s not enough time for things to heal. She must have been in so much pain and he didn’t care. Same with the 42 person party 8 weeks after surgery
I'm not married but the only thing my partner has MADE me do, was seek help and counseling for my alcoholism.
Meds and therapy later, I'm sober for 16 months or so now.
But in the end that was a life or death ultimatum. I get sober, or I die. I respect that like crazy, vs wear OPs partner wants
That’s what my dad did. A year later… after dealing with a partner that quit school, quit working and refused to help with the baby while I worked full time night shifts and finally got fired because I couldn’t manage it all… my dad opened his door and said “yes, move back in” after a few choice words about my ex. So grateful for my dad.
ETA that’s a real man/dad
Thank you thank you. As the Mother of 40 year old twin daughters who have 5 babies between the two of them in the last six years, if they treated my daughters like this I would be so far up their asses they wouldn't be able to poop until they left this world.
I don’t have any kids and don’t plan to so I don’t mind being an asshole about this.
OP, your husband is a selfish asshole.
My wife had to get an organ removed recently and all of her friends were like “oh korncakes has to wait on you hand and foot for a couple of weeks, don’t you feel so lucky?”
To which she responded “no, even if it wasn’t for this he would help me as much as I need him to at any given time because that’s what we do for each other.”
When I asked her to be my girlfriend and then took my vows to make her my wife, it became my duty to move heaven and earth to make sure that she’s taken care of no matter what. She’s the only living being that I’d risk my life for (besides my dog) let alone be mildly fucking inconvenienced by for a while during her recovery process or any time she ever needs me.
OP’s husband is a piece of shit, should be ashamed of himself, and doesn’t deserve her.
It sounds like that’s what he’s already done in the Facebook group she posted in. I’m guessing the comments were exactly the same, but mostly women, so of course he wanted to source out more opinions from men so that he can get the justification he wants for his shitty actions.
he sounds like a raging piece of shit. he's asking for men's perspective thinking men are going to take his side (with the implication that most/all men would leave their postpartum wife at home to party, (most wont)) OP's husband is the real golddigger here. he even golddigged himself some free kids without needing to put in any effort
I can’t believe how nice everyone is being about this??? If the tables were turned these men leaving the gentle comments would be attacking the fck out of the woman!!! He’s a POS child who doesn’t deserve to be around the children and the wife is a doormat.
My guess is the AH husband/father would be completely fine if wife and children moved out. He’d put his social life first and become an absent/deadbeat father.
What would all of his friends say if they knew?
I'm not typically one for airing dirty laundry but if someone keeps deliberately shitting their pants sometimes embarrassing them is necessary.
I would hope that not all 42+ of his friends are total pieces of shit- and those that aren't should cause enough chaos that the rest scatter like roaches on the kitchen counter when she clicks on the light.
If they are friends they should know he has 2 under 2 at home and put it together that he isn’t being a good husband. But they are probably as shitty as he is. That’s why they are friends.
I’m literally giddy waiting for my husband to come home from Walmart so I can get his answer cuz I know it will be something in this line. It’s his brother’s bachelor party 8 weeks PP and he was ready to cancel till I told him he needs to go for his brother and I’ll have my mom AND MIL to help so we will be fine.
Update: he said this guy is a “tool”. Not a man of many words lol but he did add that “although maintaining some social and career activities is important, whatever he does, she should have the same amount of “off-kid” time and he needs to make up for it”. He also said the 42 person party was “messed up”
NTA.. father of three here.. to be blunt concerning your husband … he needs to prioritize his family over his social schedule, especially during this critical time with two under two. He also should be making moves to allow you to disconnect from parenting for your wellbeing. I’m not advocating he be put under house arrest, but he’s needs to slow down the social schedule and prioritize his family more than he does now. A bachelor weekend, really?? I’d be very concerned on how family responsibilities get divided when you go back to work as the current dynamic is likely not sustainable. You need to sit him down and try to talk this out. Perhaps couples counseling to work on communication and talk out issues in a controlled environment. Good luck !!
NTA.
And since he only wants men's opinions (lol), I'll give my 2 cents as a father of three. This dude is a bum. Having a family requires a great deal of sacrifice, but it shouldn't feel like sacrifice. You should WANT to do everything you can to support your wife and children.
The dude is behaving like a teenager. Yeah, it's great that he's going back to get his Masters and he met all these people. But, you aren't a bachelor with minimum responsibilities. Just because your new friends can socialize and attend events, it doesn't mean you must do the same. He also needs to stop taking OP along when she doesn't want to. 6 weeks out from a C-section and he wants her to travel and socialize, like buddy, you deal with a sour mood after waking up early, imagine what your wife deals with.
NTA OP. Your husband needs to realize his priorities are different from his peers.
NTA...
As a man, he sounds like a lazy ass father. I don't want to verbally attack him too much because we only have 1 side. That said, I was super cringing the whole time.
He sounds like one of those dads who is why people always say "oh are you babysitting today?".
As a man, he needs a swift kick in the a$$. His priorities are so skewed as to be laughable... (but not to you)
EDIT: wait, 430 AM? late nights? How could he possibly think this was a good idea? I also don't want to attack to severely only hearing your side, but this doesn't bode well, in the near nor long term.
The staying up to 4:30 then "needing a couple days to recover" from his sour attitude makes me think he's abusing some substance or other. Whether that's drinking too much or some party drug I feel like something is up with this dudes behavior, and it's absolutely not conducive to being a dad.
Yeah if you're not going home after the bar closes, you're probably doing something illegal. Not that a dad to a newborn should be out til the bar closes in the first place. Nothing good happens after 2am
Sounds like OP is a single parent. The other "adult" in the household cannot be bothered with her and her needs. Also does not have any respect for his own children and throws house parties that disrupt the toddler and the baby.
Definitely not prioritizing his wife and his kids. Whether he means to or not, he is really shitting all over his wife and she is having to pick up all the slack. Honestly, it's embarrassing.
Being a dad is hard.
Being a mom is hard.
Don't make it harder than it has to be for your SO.
Not a man but my mum had a c-section and my dad worked abroad. He took time off, came home to be with us & help mum. My mum was completely ruined from the pain from the c-section. My dad took care of me and my little brother as well as my baby brother so mum can rest. I was 10, my little brother was 7 and we'd help dad with the cooking and bring mum food and when dad was resting, we'd help mum as much as we could. I learned how to change diapers, how to do the formula and all of that so we can all help mum. Mum never left the bed save for showering and bathroom. And we let her rest as much as possible. I understood the meaning of "it takes a village" cause we literally all rallied to help her and even my grandparents, aunts and uncles. But dad really took care of us so mum would only breastfeed my brother. Every time she tried to leave the bed to do anything other than sitting in another room or hanging out with us, we'd make her stay in bed. She was restless but we all knew the c-section scar was massive & they also had to do another operation on her stomach while she was in the ER.
I don't understand this man at all. It's like he doesn't realise he has kids and OP is legit a single mum.
That just sucks. He needs to cut down the social gatherings and support you in whichever way you need it. . He’s being so selfish. 2 under 2 is no joke. I’d be so pissed and would leave him alone with the guests if they weren’t supposed to be there in the first place.
I'd be loud when leaving.
"You invited how many people over? 42? When we have a two year old and a newborn in the house? And you expect me to host while recovering? That's it- I'm taking the kids and going to my mother's/McDonald's/literally anywhere but their. Call me when you're done acting like a highschool aged boy and ready to act like a grown man, husband, and father"
If he doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of his friends he shouldn't behave in a manner that will leave him embarrassed.
If I were OP I'd be tempted to arrange for somewhere else to stay and for someone to serve him during his 42 person party.
"Your wife, who is eight weeks post partum and who is still recovering from major surgery, is serving you because you've displayed a blatant disregard for her health by expecting her to host 42 people when she should be resting. This is you being served" Loudly, so all of his friends know how bad of a husband he is.
Yup 34 year old man.
Your husband is eithier dumber than a bag of rocks or one of the most selfish people I've ever read about on this subreddit. Probably both.
Edit - omg I just read you are the breadwinner paying for the nanny as well as doing all the childcare at night, talk about deadweight lol
Honestly what the hell does it matter if the opinion comes from a man or a woman? The fact that your husband takes men’s opinions more seriously than a woman’s is the first (and biggest) red flag of this post. If anything, women’s opinions should be valued more on the topic of newborn parenting because they are the ones who actually know what it’s like to go through pregnancy/childbirth/postpartum.
He probably just wants men's opinions because all the women in the Facebook group already roasted him for being such an oblivious shitbag. He'd better get his shit together before his wife realizes her life would be easier without him there.
Are y'all in your 20s? Your husband needs to grow the fuck up. He's living life like he's a single guy or he's dating someone or something. The days of endless social gatherings are fucking over for now.
Love that your husband went into this thinking “other men will support me.” His delusion is strong.
Sent this to my husband who immediately said “what an asshole.” You’re NTA
As a man, really can't get over the fact that you HAD to save up to go on maternity leave, but he can afford drinks each night and hosting parties of fourty plus people and take international trips to Jamaica and then can't even be bothered to be a father. NTA, your man is a sack of shit
I'm the father of two, my boys are 2 years apart. My wife was a SAHM until my youngest was 4. Every day, when i came home from teaching (HS science teacher), I knew I was 'on duty'. I took over all kid responsibilities, and I loved it. When they transitioned to bottle feeding, I was the one that did the midnight feedings. I was always around the house on weekends, playing with my kids, building them stuff like a play structure, setting up the splash pool, etc. Starting at the age of two, I would bring my kids to school with me on weekends (I run the robotics team) and my students would help entertain them and keep them safe. I did everything I could to take some of the burden from my wife.
OP, you are not the AH. Your husband, on the other hand, well, he doesn't seem to be acting much like a father or husband, based on what you've said. Makes me worry for how involved he'll be when the kids really need a father figure in their lives.
And your kids got the fun of seeing the amazing Big Kids enjoying doing something stimulating and exciting! Robots! how cool! Hat tip for that value add!
Married man with three adult kids here. I would not neglect my wife and kids like that. Even now, with my kids mostly out of the house I wouldn’t make unilateral decisions about going out or having guests over without talking to my wife about it. You and your spouse are a team. It’s supposed to be the two of you against the world, not you against each other. Good luck. NTA
EDIT: I just read your edit and … wow. My wife is the primary breadwinner and I make a point of doing most of the childcare and cooking and cleaning. I would be ashamed and embarrassed to let my wife make most of the money AND do most of the childcare AND cater events for my friends …. AND disappear for days on end out of town. He should not be ‘helping with the kids.’ He should be the primary with the kids. Especially right now. That is downright shameful. I am surprised your husband even wanted you to post this.
NTA in this situation. I can understand his need for social engagement but he is taking it too far. As a father myself, I can see what my wife goes through and I know the need to help. Being married is a 50/50 thing and with children involved it is even more needed to make sure everyone does their part.
On top of it all my wife also had to get a c-section for the children to be born and that was very hard on her body. He needs to be doing a lot more to help in your recovery. That is a major surgery that sliced you completely open. All this activity is not good for you.
He should step up more, do less social activities, and offer more support. Having a job is no excuse.
Edit:For people saying marriage should be 100/100, the math doesn’t work out. You both can’t change a diaper individually for 1 dirty diaper, that means a clean diaper would be changed. You both can’t discipline a child separately for one bad act or they will be double punished. 50/50 just means it requires equal work from both parties to complete all needed/wanted task and so that no one burns out or builds resentment. I can see where you all are coming from, that is why each person should put 100% in the task they do. Marriages fall apart just as fast from someone doing to much as they do from someone doing to little.
50/50 is sometimes supposed to be 100/0 where he gives more in her greatest time of need. Social activities can wait a few months. He needs to be there and ignore his need (want) for social engagement unless it absolutely an emergency or unavoidable.
This is so true. I never realized how much I NEEDED my husband post-partum. For women who are used to being independent, it can be crippling and shocking.
A problem I see here, which you had mentioned, is that even if he stays home, he will act like a petulant child. I think what you need to ask yourself is, does he just have a blind spot on just this subject, or is he always putting his needs above your and your family's needs. Someone who doesn't want to change won't.
I’m a man, you are NTA.
Your husband is being crazy.
In the future please post ages cuz it’s relevant. Are you guys early 20s or something?
Prioritize your wife and kids, folks. Not whatever the fuck this guy is doing. And OP being postpartum doesn’t matter, her husband is acting like a jackass regardless of that added tidbit.
He's obviously going to do whatever he wants.
I would take about $500 out, take the kids, and go stay at a friend's place or a hotel while he has these people over. Let him host. Let him explain where you are. Let him be. And while you're there, evaluate whether this individual is adding anything of value to your life.
NTA. I am a man and childfree but know many fathers as friends or coworkers over the years. The vast majority of them married or not all curbed their social life when their kids were babies and toddlers. Most of them really didn't become very active socially until their kids were in school because their kids and wife(if married) became their priorities after work. I can understand actual work events but happy hour, dragging you to a wedding 6 weeks after a C-section, the house party, bachelor and birthday parties are just too much as a dad and husband at this stage of their lives. Can he pick the birthday or bachelor party? Don't give into the "Every parent is stressed and deserves some fun time" crap because I would put $1000 down that if you went on a 4 day bachelorette party in the Caribbean your phone would be going off multiple times a day with text, emails and calls from him all child related and him trying to guilt you about leaving him alone with 2 kids.
As your husband wants to read other men's and dad's opinions here is mine . Your husband is being a colossal d-bag the second my first child was born my whole world changed it was no longer about socialising it was about my family. You have undergone major surgery and need to be seriously looked after not him throwing huge parties it's like he doesn't even care about you. He is being massively selfish and as your the main money earner it looks like he is using that fact to be a party boy. Tell him it's time to grow up and be the role model his children need they will look at how he treats you and think this level of disrespect is ok . It doesn't matter if you have a nanny and let's face it with such an absentee farther in the home you definitely need all the help you can get. Tell your husband it's time to grow up and grow a pair of balls it's time to be in the big leagues now stop mucking around in the little league of nights out and being a grumpy tired baby the next day and be a man and be a real husband and more importantly a real father.
Lol NTA.
Your "husband" is lacking. Does he know that mariage is a partnership? If he cared and loved you he wouldn't try his best to piss you off. Sounds like a manchild who wasn't ready to have children or a long term relationship. Threaten to cut your losses if he doesn't get his shit together.
Navigating fatherhood while maintaining a social life is a trajectory that must be recalibrated once kids are in the picture. A man must evolve past his pre-fatherhood identity and forge a new one that includes the roles of provider, protector, and active participant in child-rearing. Your husband's extensive socializing seems to conflict with the pressing demands at home. The transition from 'me' to 'we' can be a challenging one, but it's non-negotiable when the stakes are tiny humans who rely on you. Balancing isn't about cutting out social life completely but rather about ensuring it doesn't encroach on the vital role he plays at home. It's perhaps time to turn these social skills towards the family unit, nurturing those bonds with the same enthusiasm. After all, every night out missed is a memory missed at home—a precious moment that can't be recaptured.
INFO: is this a cultural thing? Is your husband from some super-conservative, traditional, macho-bullshit culture where “men” don’t lift a finger or interact w/their own kids?
Is he a time traveler from 1953?
Or is he just an asshole?
I’m a 45y.o. dad of a 3y.o. Your husband is lazy and isn’t pulling his weight, *especially* if he only makes 1/3 the income! Wtf is his excuse??
Honestly it sounds like he is *trying* to get you to divorce his lazy ass so he can actually be free to go party & be single the way he’s already acting.
Dude stayed out partying until 4:30am?!?
Dude wants to go party in NYC all night *again* & expects you to stay home w/an infant & toddler??
Dude invited FORTY TWO people to your house for a party without even telling you?!? Holy shit.
Dude wants to go to *fucking Jamaica for four days*?!?!?!?!?
*If* this post isn’t made-up bullshit, this degree of selfish idiocy can’t possibly be an accident. Like he has to be actively, deliberately *trying* to be a shit husband and a shit father. He has to be *trying* to make you file for divorce. Why though? Maybe his dumb ass expects you’ll wind up paying him alimony since you make more income? Either that or your husband is dumb as hell.
Kids or no kids, he’s either already cheating on you or he hopes/plans to. He’s clearly already disrespecting you and your relationship and your needs and *his own damn kids.* I can hardly believe this is legit.
Yeah I didn’t do anything when we had babies unless we had a sitter to allow my wife to go too. The only exception was work trips. Your husband is a douche bag trying to make you do all of the work.
Am male. I'll be 50 years old in a few weeks, have a beard, work a blue collar job, love foorball, etc. I'm as male as they get!
I wish you good luck putting the whiney toddler to bed tonight. I'm not talking about the 1.5yo or the baby, you've got that! I'm talking about the third child in your life.
As a certified man (I have the doctor's note to prove it), if my theortical partner tried to bring 42 people near our theoretical newborn baby I would've walked the hell out. I'm not a parent so idk, but aren't kids that young too young for their first vaccines?? Even if the kiddo has already had vaccines, I don't want that many strange germs near my kid. I'm not even commenting on hosting because I hope you wished him and his 42 friends good luck and walked into another room
If your maternity leave is unpaid and you needed to save and budget for that, how is he affording a trip to Jamaica?
Why is he out until late so often? Why doesn't he like spending time with his kids? This man you're married to puzzles me. I understand wanting some breathing space to relax, but why does he have it constantly and you have it never? NTA
Dad of 4 daughters 7 and under here. Your husband needs to step the fuck up. It is important for both of you to have "me time", but he needs to make himself more available for you and the kiddos
It's not about tallying up who does what based on earnings or gender roles, it's about mutual respect and understanding the realities of parenting. It sounds like there's a disconnect between expectations and actions here. Communication is key, as is commitment – two things that need a tune-up in your situation. Being present isn't just about physical proximity; it's also about being emotionally available and sharing the burden. It’s not just a few dinners, it's the absence during critical family times which adds up to a pattern of neglect. If roles were reversed, would he be okay with this arrangement? Doubtful. It’s time for a serious family discussion about shared responsibilities, expectations, and how to truly act as a partnership during these formative years.
NTA. Your husband has abandoned you as a partner and is prioritizing his social/work life over his family life. It also seems like he’s actively trying to get out of the house. At 8 weeks postpartum this is cruel and he’s expecting too much out of you. You should have the autonomy and respect for yourself to say no to his insane social demands. Don’t put yourself out for him planning a party without your consent. Fuck that noise. You two both need to work together, not against each other. I think it’s fair to find a compromise but my generosity towards him would be thin until he starts picking up the slack and being more engaged with the family.
His get-together is ridiculous. Leave the day of his 42-person get-together. Spend the day and night elsewhere. Stay with friends, family, or get a hotel. Do not clean up his mess from the party. You do not have to participate if you're uncomfortable.
You did not have to attend a wedding to make him happy. Put yourself and the kids first.
NTA
Married father of two toddlers here.
NTA. Your husband wants to keep partying like he's single. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee. He's a father now and needs to understand that you and his children are the priority.
I'm not saying he's not allowed to go out at all, but pretty much everything you listed is beyond anything I've done for the most part since my kids were born.
But this is my biggest question. How can you arrange so much child care that you two are still able to live like socialites? I'm lucky if my wife and I can go out once a month lol.
I saved up during pregnancy to pay for all our necessities, because my income is by far the largest and we really depend on it. I kept the nanny because she’s amazing and it didn’t make sense to fire and lose just for three months of leave. Plus I knew I would be having a scheduled c section so I figured it would be nice to have her help while I recovered. As to how my husband is paying for the socializing? I don’t know. He says it’s coming out of his income, but we didn’t account for it during our budgeting for leave. The Jamaica trip he says we can afford because it’s after I go back to work
If you’re not sure where the money is coming from, check for credit cards. He could have opened one (or more) without you (or even “with” you) and be racking up debt. Credit Karma is an easy way to check and monitor that…for both of you.
NTA - I'm a girl so not the target but he should be helping you not putting you through stress. He doesn't get to decide what causes you stress, he should just have your back.
NTA. Your husband is being selfish. You are only 8 weeks PP AND you have a toddler. You are still recovering and you need the support. Your husband needs to grow up and step up.
He's not playing fair to you or to the kids.
I'm disgusted on your behalf.
He needs to get in the bin.
Not even close to unreasonable. He sounds like he's one of those people that almost compulsively needs social scenes. The amount he has planned is ludicrous. Honestly it wouldn't surprise me if he really has a very hard time forming real connections so supplants it with VOLUME of social interaction
NTA
And I predict divorce down the line. Your husband is not a partner or a good parent. You will eventually realize its easier on your own than it is with him around throwing a wrench into your planning.
NTA- female, I know that’s not your audience but I was in your situation 5 years ago. I had a toddler 15months and a brand new baby. I didn’t have a nanny, but did take on all of the child care and my partner did all of the working while I was on unpaid maternity leave for three months. My partner was pulling 12 hour days 5-6days a week and still came home to help with what stage of the day we were at. Even with him helping I had some postpartum resentment. My partner now has overwhelming guilt at missing out on that time with us.
Your husband is really taking advantage here. He really needs to take a look at his priorities family and partner should be coming before happy hour drinks, trips, and the social time that’s occurring. He’s not the only person in this house missing out on fun social things to be with the kiddos so is Mom. Balance and communication are key to finding a way to make that first year of 2 under 2 functional for all involved. That first year is hard and you shouldn’t be doing it solo the babies didn’t get made alone so he should be doing some of the work.
NTA
I showed my husband this post and asked his opinion. He raised his eyebrows and said your husband needs to grow up and be a dad instead of being a 'deadbeat in training'.
NTA having kids requires an adjustment to both parents’ prior lifestyles. He doesn’t do nearly as much as he thinks he does. If hes working he’s not present no matter where he is. If he’s decompressing from work he’s not present. If he’s partying he’s not present. If you’re together and he’s not taking the lead on parental care he’s not present.
At some point he has to be present and engaged in a way that allows you to truly disengage and recharge. Otherwise he’s just selfish and needs to grow up and start actively taking care of his family which requires sacrifice.
NTA; frankly, i'm shocked he's getting away with all of this. you had a C-section for christ sake wtf is he thinking????? well he's not probably. he's just thinking of himself.
You don’t leave your new kid and wife to go out and party. Tell your husband to stop being a turd.
Agreed. OP, I'm a married man, we have more kids than yall. His socializing is excessive and inappropriate.
I think he’s looking for any and all excuses to get out of the house so he doesn’t have to deal with wife or kids.
Either that or he's just oblivious about his responsibilities and lacks any respect. I'm not a poster child of a dad myself but I'm trying and I've fully dedicated my free time and paternity leave to my wife and our twin boys. I've cooked, changed diapers and done the other chores, especially in the first couple of weeks to help my wife cope with the new situation of having two babies that wake you up every two hours. If you're not up to the task, stop making babies, seriously. I can understand it if you go in blind but this isn't their first kid so he knew how it is, even with a nanny.
Dad of 5 here, with 2 14-month old twins. Can definitely verify wanting time away to be a thing, but it's usually in the form of wanting some quiet, not replacing one noise circus with another. NTA. You've just had a C-section, and you have a new baby plus a toddler at least. You need any should get your husband's help and emotional support (which a nanny cannot replace.). Now is not the time for even half of the activity you're describing.
It’s one thing if y’all divide chores and everything is neatly wrapped up then he can go out and all that.. but with 2 young kids, that’s NEVER the case. Our kids are older and we still tell people we have to wrap up events by 8 (or tone then down - usually like 1 friend over) to put them to bed. This isn’t about the wife - he chose to have kids, part of that is adjusting to the new life you have chosen. Kids are work - but suck it up for the next ~5 years and you can start to return to normal for a few hours at a time. And it’s only fair - if you want to leave the kids with 1 parent, you have to give (sometimes push) the other to take some time off as well
Are we even sure he’s telling the truth about all these events not just seeing a side chick while his postnatal wife is recovering from a c-section?
Honestly, yeah, I was wondering that myself. It's bizarre to me that he's placing *this much importance* on the excessive social interactions.
That's actually kind of believable!
This is why I implied in my parent comment, because I can't imagine that all of these different people he supposedly "networking" with don't know that his wife just had a baby, right? I feel like one of them would eventually ask how on earth he's able to come out partying with them all the time when he's got a newborn, a toddler, and a postpartum wife at home. I think he's cheating on her
I really read that list and was like "Okay...yep...fair enough....I get it....maybe cancel that...maybe.....okay that's too much". I know there's excessive extroverts out there so an introvert like me that'd never leave the house without my SO and just fuck the person 24/7 isn't a good measure, but at some point it's really just too much and then that point was overstepped by hosting a party at their house.
I love a good party but I think I would’ve absolutely lost it at 42, unplanned for, guests showing up. Then the husband saying he couldn’t ask them to leave at 7?? Why not? That’s weak. Just tell people it’s the kid’s bedtime and everyone has to go NOW! I think I would’ve gone out to the guests after my husband refusing to do it, and loudly told them myself in a somewhat unpleasant tone because I’d be angry at my husband. I don’t think I would have been able to stop myself after my husband behaving in such a lame, disappointing manner. OP is NTA. This is not the time for socialising.
It'd be one thing if he didn't have kids, but now is the time to be responsible. So many people seem to jump into parenthood without realizing the sacrifice it takes to be a good partner and parent. Wife and I are dinks, so I can't speak much on this, but even I know this is not acceptable behavior as a parent. He shouldn't have had kids if that is the lifestyle he wants. Real asshole move.
Even without kids, the whole sudden huge dinner and a lot of late nights and trips alone are some red flags and inconsiderate.
Even without kids, a 42 person party at my house that I didn't get told about... I'd tell everyone to gtf out
Right??!! It is NEVER acceptable to ‘tell’ your spouse that you will be hosting ppl, much less TELL HER you’ll be hosting over 40 when she just had abdominal surgery & a new baby!
I mean, I went to a concert at six weeks with our second child, but I did plan for my wife and kids to stay at my mom's so she had help. I asked my wife and she said yes. If she had said no, I would not have gone. But there is a huge difference between one night and a party every other day. Now that my daughter is big enough, my wife has been out of town for the weekend twice in a couple of weeks.
Yeah huge difference between one night a month or even every couple weeks as long as both parties get a break like that.. versus the guy just kicking off regularly and going on multiple day excursions. That's insane.
Even if this networking is crucial, it should never take priority over OP and the child's health and well-being. It's completely stupid and apathetic to drag your wife to a wedding just 6 weeks after a c-section and then throw a huge party with a 8-week child in the house.
How is he paying for all this? Separate your finances, stop paying for his perfect lifestyle or it will bite you when you eventually wake up and want a divorce. Why would he ever become more responsible when you enable him in every way?
I’d fucking divorce my husband period end of story if he objected to this ask WHILE IN POSTPARTUM. Your husband sounds like a huge, useless douche. Such a DOUCHE he doesn’t RESPECT FEMALE OPINIONS. Fuck that noise - he sucks.
I look forward to OP's update when she describes how butthurt he was when reading comments from dozens of men calling him a failure.
NTA, but your husband is. As a bloke, I can safely say that your husband is a selfish git. He's not even acting as a Father, he's just the partner of a Mother. Parenthood is meant to be a joint venture, (including the sacrifices), but he somehow managed to miss that memo. Sit him down and tell him straight to buckle the hell up and pull his weight.
Not even a partner. He's treating her more like an accessory (needing her to be at a wedding 6 wks pp), employee (expecting her to plan and host an event for 42 ppl) and nanny (expecting none of the childcare to fall to him when he wants to have a good time). A partner would prioritize their partners healing. He's prioritizing himself and expecting her to pick up the fallout.
What I don’t get is-don’t others see that? If I was a dinner party guest and they had young new kids and that many folks I would feel odd. Especially if I was a guest at that and a party to any of the other social or “needed for work networking” people. Makes me wonder about those folks he is surrounding himself with too.
Right?! Who are these 42 people that think it's okay to go to someone's house that you know is recovering from surgery?
Once went with my husband to visit a friend in a country town when we were passing through. NOBODY told me that his friends wife was ONE WEEK OUT OF HOSPITAL WITH A NEWBORN. I was so apologetic and so angry with both of those idiot men.
I’d bet most of them don’t know. And as a guest I would mortified if I showed up to a party and found out the wife was recovering from surgery and was told she would be hosting. My opinion of the husband would be so, so low. It would reflect so poorly on his character and could, ironically, negatively affect his career. As an aside, if my husband ever told me we would be hosting 42 business associates I would laugh, tell him to have fun hiring cleaners and catering, and that I wouldn’t be there to play host. And I’m not postpartum with 2 young children.
Well, as a husband, I'd never put my family in that type of position to ever find out how 42 dinner guests feel about the situation. Even take out the surgery part. There's a newborn and toddler that have a regimented bedtime schedule. Not happening!
I would assume if he thinks he's in the right here, and he's socializing so often, he's surrounding himself with other entitled and selfish people who are telling him it's okay.
Unless he’s lying his ass off and telling people OP is ok with it/encouraging these things. “See, she was XYZ event last week. She’s doing great!”
He's probably telling them: "We have a fully time nanny. Plus she's depressed, and staying home all day doing nothing else is not going to help her depression." With that said, I'm a guy, and I still think the guy is a douche. I understand he needs some time alone to recharge his batteries, but he's taking it way too far.
The word you are looking for is wallet not accessory. NTA.
I hope the party hasn’t happened yet so OP can ditch the husband and go somewhere else for a day or two. Maybe take the newborn, and leave the toddler with dad.
I wouldn’t leave any children with this POS husband.
> He's not even acting as a Father, he's just the partner of a Mother. I would argue that “partner” is an awfully kind word to use when referring to a spouse and parent who routinely prioritizes their own **wants** above their spouse’s and children’s *needs*
>I would argue that “partner” is an awfully kind word to use "Fucking disgrace" is what sprang to my mind. "Partner" seems wildly inappropriate in context.
Yeahhhh, dad to two kids. OP's husband is being a total tosspot. Once a week night out to have a drink with friends wouldn't be unreasonable. A 4 day international trip to Jamaica for a bachelor's stag? Hosting a 42 person dinner at eight weeks post C-Section? OMGWTFBBQ [Wharrgarbl](http://sprinklerdog.com/)?
I mean he's not really hosting it right? He's demanded that she host it. What a jerk.
it makes me wonder about the “hosting” part. who’s going to be doing the shopping/prep/set up/serving/entertaining/clean up after that 42-person party? not him, i’ll bet.
I'd sit in a bedroom for 8 hours before I lifted a finger for that
He’s not even the breadwinner, which is what most “fathers” who act this way will take recourse to. She makes 3x as much money as him. No excuse for him to be such a scrub
Exactly. If OP earns 3x his share, can afford a nanny on her own, AND already takes the responsibility of raising the children… what exactly is the point of keeping this schmuck around? Funding his frat boy lifestyle sounds like a pretty piss poor investment to me.
Exactly!!!! I hope the OP reads this. What exactly is the husband bringing to her life other than headaches
100%. After my wife had our second (also 2 under 2), I gave up a lot of things. Slowed down golfing, going out with the boys, etc. she’s doing enough already and not sleeping a ton, I can buck yo abs help more than normal.
Same for me, although I didn't really see it as 'giving up' things, I just didn't want to do them anymore. Especially drinking binges and nights out. My priorities realigned and I didn't really want to be away from my family, even for short times.
Totally feel that. I ditched a long weekend fishing trip last year when my daughter was 2 month old. Would rather spend time with my son, who’s my best buddy and support. That said, going this year because you gotta do somethings for yourself as well.
Live in guy
Replaceable.
My husband was a patrol officer with varied hours and required overtime. I had an emergency c-section with complications. Anytime my husband was off duty, he was home helping me. He even got up at night with me for feedings, etc. He said he wanted to be there for the baby and me because he wanted to be there, be involved and be supportive. Sure he was exhausted, but he slept when he could and made sure we were okay. He took pride in being an active and attentive husband/father. 37 years later, we are still together, happy and enjoy making our family a priority. It has not always been easy and at times, very difficult, but in the end the “we” was always more important than the “me”. The only “drawback” is that our daughters refuse to date anyone that doesn’t measure up to their dad, because they want a relationship like ours. It isn’t really a drawback, we just joke about the spinster sisters (my 2 and my sister’s 3) and furry four legged “grandkids”. 😏 Good luck OP. Your husband is kind of an ass. I wish you and your family well. (Edit for clarity).
If my husband told me I needed to host 42 people with a newborn less than 8 weeks old, I would have taken the baby & gone to a hotel or my parents for the night. He could figure out the logistics while watching the toddler for the evening. You have a very self centered husband. NTA
The way my eyebrows hit my hairline at that… like the rest of it is already bad but that’s SURELY over the line? Like what person thinks that’s a good idea, new parent or not? FORTY TWO. I would also be out of there. Bye bye have fun at your party, cos I certainly am not going to cater to over forty human adults when I have two kids under two. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
I’m also cringing at her having to go to a wedding at 6 weeks postpartum off a C-section “to make him happy”. It’s been a while since a story on Reddit had me wanting to give a man the Earl treatment but here we are
Always with the qualifier in these posts. "My husband is not a terrible person." Narrator: spoiler alert. The husband is in fact, a terrible person.
I feel so sad for OP that she still thinks he's a good guy when he's being a horrible husband and father. He might not be an evil person, but he sure is selfish and shitty.
And she makes three times what he makes. Unfuck believable.
lol right. If you have to add in “but he’s not terrible” then he f’ing sucks 😆
But it's hard to see when in a bad relationship. Kids change shit.
Not a "terrible person" just a negligent spouse and father!
Seems like she is also the breadwinner and pays for the nanny and everything herself while husband's pay is nothing in comparison. So I don't really know why she is staying with him. At this point she has a better life without him. I'm not one to expect people to have equal money in relationships or expect them to make the other's life better because only the people in love know the worth of the other in their lives. But at least don't make your partner's life harder. That is the bare minimum.
“she is also the breadwinner and pays for the nanny and everything herself” Including the cost (financially, physically, emotionally and mentally) of hosting a party of 42!
OP needs to know her value. Even without being the main breadwinner, his demands on her after having had major abdominal surgery are shocking. That she could think that she owes him this to keep him happy tells me that she is horribly undervaluing herself. In addition to the couples counseling, OP may benefit from individual counseling sessions to open her eyes to how badly she is being taken advantage of. I do hope he's not also having an affair on top of it all. NTA If you don't want to be treated like a doormat, OP, stop lying on the ground for your husband to wipe his feet on you.
I don't think any type of counseling will help here. Op's husband is so delusional that he even demanded only male answers. That, on top of everything else he demands of her, tells us what he thinks of women including his wife. He is not going to change, he will only het worse.
Right??? Many people aren’t recovered from post partum bleeding and are also recovering from MAJOR surgery. And just the general newborn stage state of being (sleepless, leaking milk, only maternity clothes still fit…) just ugh! What a self centered AH. OP NTA.
If nothing else, among the 42 people there are surely some that are contagious with....maybe not COVID, but certainly something an 8 week old could catch and that could turn into something worse.
This. If my husband invited 42 people to my house at any point during our marriage I would lose my mind on him. Even if he invited half of that. If he did that with a newborn I would have taken my kids and let him fend for himself. NTA but your husband 100% is.
My husband absolutely will invite that many people over. My husband also is responsible for ALL the planning, food acquisition, etc. I’ll help make stuff, but I do zero planning or actual cooking. He also never, ever, EVER would have done this with a newborn in the house. He’s not an idiot, or inconsiderate like OP’s spouse. The key is “give up some”. My husband says there’s zero excuse for him to have that many events, find a balance. Your family comes first, or you don’t have one. It is also unacceptable to make someone recovering from surgery go to a wedding because “it’ll make him happy.” And, it’s absolutely, completely unacceptable to spring 42 people on anyone for any reason. Much less when there’s an -infant- in the house. Your husband is not a nice person. He is putting on the dad act for his kids, but he’s treating you like garbage.
Do any of those 42 have children or contact with children? It's rotavirus season, I got it from my baby cousin and seriously considered calling an ambulance for myself, because of the amount of fluids I was losing. An 8 week old baby is too young for any vaccines
OMG yes. My child had scheduled skull surgery as an infant, but most of the kids in the wards were there for a rotavirus outbreak, and guess what we brought home with us. It. was. not. fun.
(kid is now almost 30 LOL and I still remember what the diapers looked like. Enough said)
Can I ask what kind of surgery it was? My grandaughter had to have skull surgery because her skull had no soft spot; it closed in the womb. They had to separate it to allow for her brain to develop. Not having it done could have delayed her development. It closed again, and she had to have it again a year later. She was a real trooper both times. She never once cried. It worked! She was always in advanced classes in school. She is in college going for a degree in biochemical engineering. I'm so proud of her!
Exactly the same. their top (sagittal) suture was closed, so it was a "cranialectomy," removing a part of the skull. Interestingly, tho the condition is not thought to be hereditary, my husband also had it! in the 60s they put a plastic spacer in but by the 90s (and presumably your granddaughter's time) they just leave the space open.
That baby hasn’t been vaccinated. What is wrong with this guy.
The way he clearly told her to post asking for men’s opinions only, knowing women would skewer him but somehow thinking men would back him up … 🤯
That or he doesn’t respect women’s opinions. Or both. Either way he’s a 💩
The women on Facebook obviously let him have it and he thought he'd get a more sympathetic audience from men. So the women who know exactly why OP is upset and are telling him she's right apparently have no bearing on his ability to reflect on his behaviour.
Yes!! OP: it's a bit red flag that the opinions of women, who would be IMPACTED by the inconsiderate behavior, are completely disregarded. Men's opinions only? OP: you are married to a raging misogynist.
He was absolutely thinking, “the chicks will gang up on me but the dudes will gang up on you”. It’s pretty telling that not only did he only want people who would agree with him to respond, he was wrong about the guys agreeing in the first place.
You know the next excuse will be some version of “well Reddit isn’t everyone, all the people on that sub are biased …” The man is not going to be convinced by anything as long as he has one friend telling him he’s not TA.
I'm nowhere near having kids and i would never host 42 people. Much less while recovering from MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY because this is what a c-section is and way too many people fail to realize this and minimize this major surgery.
Right? He's demanding a more active social life than many adults can manage *without* small babies at home.
Yeah… the length and number of social engagements outside the home can be negotiated. But bringing 42 people into their home (whose home has the space for that?) 2 months after a birth is ridiculous.
Absolutely agree. Also, I wouldn’t have tagged along to *any* event “just to make him happy”. What an awful husband and father he is. He needs to grow up and realise that the party/socialising has to end somewhat because there are two children involved.
Pfft. I'd have been out of there even without a baby. We didn't even have 42 people at our wedding, lol
NTA. I showed this to my husband (since OP’s husband wants male opinions) and his exact recommendation was for OP to leave and go stay with someone who would care for her postpartum because her husband is a damn fool and not cutting it. He was absolutely flabbergasted that any father would think any of this is normal or ok.
And with a C SECTION too.
He’s not being the father he should be. He should be looking after you and the kids not going away on trips like a bachelor.
NTA I’m (54m) a father of 3 and a full time surgeon. Why didn’t your husband take paternity leave? Not even 1 week? If his company doesn’t offer paternity leave, then why didn’t he use vacation time? Why not use those days he was planning on going to Jamaica to HELP HIS WIFE? You’re recovering from a c-section for gods sake. If you have a nanny and you can afford boys trips and big parties, then finances shouldn’t be a factor. It’s a major red flag that he didn’t take any time off for the birth of his child. To answer your question, a partner shouldn’t leave their recently post-op/postpartum spouse with young children to go on an optional boys bachelor trip. You shouldn’t throw lavish parties with multiple people with a newborn in the house and mom recovering from a c-section. Even 1 of these requests sound selfish and inconsiderate. The totality of what you’re describing doesn’t paint your husband in a favorable light. If accurate, he needs to grow up. This isn’t the 1800’s where a husband lets his wife deal with the kids and he goes about living his life as normal. The is especially true if the wife also works and contributes to the household finances. I can hear your resentment and frustration in your post, and I can’t blame you. Your husband needs to prioritize his family or be comfortable with a dysfunctional relationship or failed marriage.
NTA. I have three kids, there was no paternity leave available to me when they were born. I used up all of my PTO each time to help out. I am also the sole breadwinner. It’s bad for the babies, they can pick up on negative emotions, even if they can’t articulate. This is so many degrees of bad. It’s nearly unfathomable. If he was my friend I‘d tell him to his face what an a$$hole he is. I get angry just reading about this.
I also have 3 and my thought were the same. And also don’t he know when they have kids he is also a parent just like mom is and if mom isn’t able to get time for herself then he needs to step out. I remember my wife loved me so much when I would take the kids away to a park so she could soak in a big tub for a while and not be disturbed. Being dad is full time and it’s time to dedicate his time to wife and kids and slow the events away and late way down
I second (actually 1400th) this. My wife would have left me at this point. Rightfully so. Please make him read this thread.
He had vacation time for Jamaica but not his wife. That’s where his priorities are.
Wow, great catch. I don't know how I didn't put it together, I guess it just got lost in the fire hose of shitty behavior from this guy, but I didn't realize until your comment that if he has days to take off work to go to tropical Island without his wife, why in the fuck didn't he take those days off to take care of his wife and newborn baby?!
I have a seasonal job where we work from about mid April to mid December. It's my families farm and we are currently in the process of transitioning towards me taking over managerial control of the farm. My wife and I are expecting our first, and thankfully the due date is in early December. We plan on having 2 or 3 kids, and if either of them were born in the busiest part of our season, I wouldn't be able to just take paternity leave, but I sure as all hell wouldn't be taking multiple trips and late dinners. I would beg and pay handsomely for my mother to watch the older kids or even just take them to work with me. Sure that would make things more difficult, but for fuck sakes, my wife would need support, and that support would make her feel loved and secure in our life. OP's husband seems to have no concern for her feelings of being loved and secure. All of his actions point towards a selfish and self centered man
I’m a father of three and will be less kind here. JFC. He needs to grow up and be a husband and father before he’s a friend and partier. Help his wife and children first and foremost. When they are 100% covered and all is well, then, and only then should he consider going out. Doesn’t have to be forever. But he couldn’t suck it up for even a few months. He is an AH and selfish as they come. What a low life jerk. ETA if you were my daughter I’d be moving you back to my house to show him what a real father is. He does not deserve a wife and kids right now. Oh and NTA.
I can’t believe him making her go to a wedding 6 weeks post c-section. That’s not enough time for things to heal. She must have been in so much pain and he didn’t care. Same with the 42 person party 8 weeks after surgery
No spouse should “make” their spouse do anything (unless it’s something like rehab)!!
I'm not married but the only thing my partner has MADE me do, was seek help and counseling for my alcoholism. Meds and therapy later, I'm sober for 16 months or so now. But in the end that was a life or death ultimatum. I get sober, or I die. I respect that like crazy, vs wear OPs partner wants
He is acting single and childless, I am frankly disgusted
Unless he's going to a wedding, then he absolutely MUST have her there! And who else will cater his impromptu parties if not mommywife?
6 weeks postpartum, after a bloody c-section! The Cell Block Tango started playing in my head when I got to that sentence
He had it comming!
That’s what my dad did. A year later… after dealing with a partner that quit school, quit working and refused to help with the baby while I worked full time night shifts and finally got fired because I couldn’t manage it all… my dad opened his door and said “yes, move back in” after a few choice words about my ex. So grateful for my dad. ETA that’s a real man/dad
Thank you thank you. As the Mother of 40 year old twin daughters who have 5 babies between the two of them in the last six years, if they treated my daughters like this I would be so far up their asses they wouldn't be able to poop until they left this world.
I don’t have any kids and don’t plan to so I don’t mind being an asshole about this. OP, your husband is a selfish asshole. My wife had to get an organ removed recently and all of her friends were like “oh korncakes has to wait on you hand and foot for a couple of weeks, don’t you feel so lucky?” To which she responded “no, even if it wasn’t for this he would help me as much as I need him to at any given time because that’s what we do for each other.” When I asked her to be my girlfriend and then took my vows to make her my wife, it became my duty to move heaven and earth to make sure that she’s taken care of no matter what. She’s the only living being that I’d risk my life for (besides my dog) let alone be mildly fucking inconvenienced by for a while during her recovery process or any time she ever needs me. OP’s husband is a piece of shit, should be ashamed of himself, and doesn’t deserve her.
Thank you for saying what we all wanted to say but had to respect the "MEN's perspective" part...
He can skip the women's comments if he chooses. It doesn't mean that women can't comment.
It sounds like that’s what he’s already done in the Facebook group she posted in. I’m guessing the comments were exactly the same, but mostly women, so of course he wanted to source out more opinions from men so that he can get the justification he wants for his shitty actions.
he sounds like a raging piece of shit. he's asking for men's perspective thinking men are going to take his side (with the implication that most/all men would leave their postpartum wife at home to party, (most wont)) OP's husband is the real golddigger here. he even golddigged himself some free kids without needing to put in any effort
I can’t believe how nice everyone is being about this??? If the tables were turned these men leaving the gentle comments would be attacking the fck out of the woman!!! He’s a POS child who doesn’t deserve to be around the children and the wife is a doormat.
My guess is the AH husband/father would be completely fine if wife and children moved out. He’d put his social life first and become an absent/deadbeat father.
He wouldn’t be living in that big house long without her cheque paying for everything
What would all of his friends say if they knew? I'm not typically one for airing dirty laundry but if someone keeps deliberately shitting their pants sometimes embarrassing them is necessary. I would hope that not all 42+ of his friends are total pieces of shit- and those that aren't should cause enough chaos that the rest scatter like roaches on the kitchen counter when she clicks on the light.
Yeah if I found out a friend of mine was even half this fucking awful, they'd be going home with a few new assholes torn, st the very least.
If they are friends they should know he has 2 under 2 at home and put it together that he isn’t being a good husband. But they are probably as shitty as he is. That’s why they are friends.
I read this to my husband and he laughed and said, "What an asshole! She gets sawed in half and he is just living life."
I’m literally giddy waiting for my husband to come home from Walmart so I can get his answer cuz I know it will be something in this line. It’s his brother’s bachelor party 8 weeks PP and he was ready to cancel till I told him he needs to go for his brother and I’ll have my mom AND MIL to help so we will be fine.
Update: he said this guy is a “tool”. Not a man of many words lol but he did add that “although maintaining some social and career activities is important, whatever he does, she should have the same amount of “off-kid” time and he needs to make up for it”. He also said the 42 person party was “messed up”
Your husband wins!
NTA.. father of three here.. to be blunt concerning your husband … he needs to prioritize his family over his social schedule, especially during this critical time with two under two. He also should be making moves to allow you to disconnect from parenting for your wellbeing. I’m not advocating he be put under house arrest, but he’s needs to slow down the social schedule and prioritize his family more than he does now. A bachelor weekend, really?? I’d be very concerned on how family responsibilities get divided when you go back to work as the current dynamic is likely not sustainable. You need to sit him down and try to talk this out. Perhaps couples counseling to work on communication and talk out issues in a controlled environment. Good luck !!
NTA. And since he only wants men's opinions (lol), I'll give my 2 cents as a father of three. This dude is a bum. Having a family requires a great deal of sacrifice, but it shouldn't feel like sacrifice. You should WANT to do everything you can to support your wife and children.
I get the feeling he thought he'd get the Tate incell brigade clamoring to his rescue and reality got him real partners and dads. Lol
Right‽ My partner of 12 years is just shaking his head. He can't believe the audacity!
He's an idiot. JFC, grow up and be a man. Take care of your wife and be there for your children. OP is NTA
The dude is behaving like a teenager. Yeah, it's great that he's going back to get his Masters and he met all these people. But, you aren't a bachelor with minimum responsibilities. Just because your new friends can socialize and attend events, it doesn't mean you must do the same. He also needs to stop taking OP along when she doesn't want to. 6 weeks out from a C-section and he wants her to travel and socialize, like buddy, you deal with a sour mood after waking up early, imagine what your wife deals with. NTA OP. Your husband needs to realize his priorities are different from his peers.
NTA... As a man, he sounds like a lazy ass father. I don't want to verbally attack him too much because we only have 1 side. That said, I was super cringing the whole time. He sounds like one of those dads who is why people always say "oh are you babysitting today?".
As a man, he needs a swift kick in the a$$. His priorities are so skewed as to be laughable... (but not to you) EDIT: wait, 430 AM? late nights? How could he possibly think this was a good idea? I also don't want to attack to severely only hearing your side, but this doesn't bode well, in the near nor long term.
The staying up to 4:30 then "needing a couple days to recover" from his sour attitude makes me think he's abusing some substance or other. Whether that's drinking too much or some party drug I feel like something is up with this dudes behavior, and it's absolutely not conducive to being a dad.
Yeah if you're not going home after the bar closes, you're probably doing something illegal. Not that a dad to a newborn should be out til the bar closes in the first place. Nothing good happens after 2am
Sounds like OP is a single parent. The other "adult" in the household cannot be bothered with her and her needs. Also does not have any respect for his own children and throws house parties that disrupt the toddler and the baby.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Definitely not prioritizing his wife and his kids. Whether he means to or not, he is really shitting all over his wife and she is having to pick up all the slack. Honestly, it's embarrassing. Being a dad is hard. Being a mom is hard. Don't make it harder than it has to be for your SO.
Not a man but my mum had a c-section and my dad worked abroad. He took time off, came home to be with us & help mum. My mum was completely ruined from the pain from the c-section. My dad took care of me and my little brother as well as my baby brother so mum can rest. I was 10, my little brother was 7 and we'd help dad with the cooking and bring mum food and when dad was resting, we'd help mum as much as we could. I learned how to change diapers, how to do the formula and all of that so we can all help mum. Mum never left the bed save for showering and bathroom. And we let her rest as much as possible. I understood the meaning of "it takes a village" cause we literally all rallied to help her and even my grandparents, aunts and uncles. But dad really took care of us so mum would only breastfeed my brother. Every time she tried to leave the bed to do anything other than sitting in another room or hanging out with us, we'd make her stay in bed. She was restless but we all knew the c-section scar was massive & they also had to do another operation on her stomach while she was in the ER. I don't understand this man at all. It's like he doesn't realise he has kids and OP is legit a single mum.
That just sucks. He needs to cut down the social gatherings and support you in whichever way you need it. . He’s being so selfish. 2 under 2 is no joke. I’d be so pissed and would leave him alone with the guests if they weren’t supposed to be there in the first place.
I'd be loud when leaving. "You invited how many people over? 42? When we have a two year old and a newborn in the house? And you expect me to host while recovering? That's it- I'm taking the kids and going to my mother's/McDonald's/literally anywhere but their. Call me when you're done acting like a highschool aged boy and ready to act like a grown man, husband, and father" If he doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of his friends he shouldn't behave in a manner that will leave him embarrassed.
And he comes home at 4:30am!!! I want to know who he’s sleeping with on the side. . .
Or who they'll be sleeping with in Jamaica
If I were OP I'd be tempted to arrange for somewhere else to stay and for someone to serve him during his 42 person party. "Your wife, who is eight weeks post partum and who is still recovering from major surgery, is serving you because you've displayed a blatant disregard for her health by expecting her to host 42 people when she should be resting. This is you being served" Loudly, so all of his friends know how bad of a husband he is.
NTA Asshole is too soft though, your husband is a straight up piece of dogshit.
Are you a man? I’d love to show this to him
Yup 34 year old man. Your husband is eithier dumber than a bag of rocks or one of the most selfish people I've ever read about on this subreddit. Probably both. Edit - omg I just read you are the breadwinner paying for the nanny as well as doing all the childcare at night, talk about deadweight lol
Seriously; he is worse than useless! OP would have so much less stress not having to manage him on top of everything else.
He is quite literally a net loss for OP's life.
It sounds like her so-called husband is just another child she needs to care for, IMHO.
Right? Thank goodness this single mom has a nanny to help.
Honestly what the hell does it matter if the opinion comes from a man or a woman? The fact that your husband takes men’s opinions more seriously than a woman’s is the first (and biggest) red flag of this post. If anything, women’s opinions should be valued more on the topic of newborn parenting because they are the ones who actually know what it’s like to go through pregnancy/childbirth/postpartum.
He probably just wants men's opinions because all the women in the Facebook group already roasted him for being such an oblivious shitbag. He'd better get his shit together before his wife realizes her life would be easier without him there.
The best thing of it all, is that all the wonderful men here are roasting him too. Some wonderful dads on this sub 🥹
why does this random college partyboy live in your house? sounds like it'd be easier if it was just you and the nanny
Are y'all in your 20s? Your husband needs to grow the fuck up. He's living life like he's a single guy or he's dating someone or something. The days of endless social gatherings are fucking over for now.
Love that your husband went into this thinking “other men will support me.” His delusion is strong. Sent this to my husband who immediately said “what an asshole.” You’re NTA
i’m loving reading these responses from fathers full of righteous indignation on her behalf
Speaking as a man: Your husband is a selfish dickhead and should feel bad about himself. NTA
As a man, really can't get over the fact that you HAD to save up to go on maternity leave, but he can afford drinks each night and hosting parties of fourty plus people and take international trips to Jamaica and then can't even be bothered to be a father. NTA, your man is a sack of shit
Especially since OP is the breadwinner and is presumably paying for it all
I'm the father of two, my boys are 2 years apart. My wife was a SAHM until my youngest was 4. Every day, when i came home from teaching (HS science teacher), I knew I was 'on duty'. I took over all kid responsibilities, and I loved it. When they transitioned to bottle feeding, I was the one that did the midnight feedings. I was always around the house on weekends, playing with my kids, building them stuff like a play structure, setting up the splash pool, etc. Starting at the age of two, I would bring my kids to school with me on weekends (I run the robotics team) and my students would help entertain them and keep them safe. I did everything I could to take some of the burden from my wife. OP, you are not the AH. Your husband, on the other hand, well, he doesn't seem to be acting much like a father or husband, based on what you've said. Makes me worry for how involved he'll be when the kids really need a father figure in their lives.
And your kids got the fun of seeing the amazing Big Kids enjoying doing something stimulating and exciting! Robots! how cool! Hat tip for that value add!
Married man with three adult kids here. I would not neglect my wife and kids like that. Even now, with my kids mostly out of the house I wouldn’t make unilateral decisions about going out or having guests over without talking to my wife about it. You and your spouse are a team. It’s supposed to be the two of you against the world, not you against each other. Good luck. NTA EDIT: I just read your edit and … wow. My wife is the primary breadwinner and I make a point of doing most of the childcare and cooking and cleaning. I would be ashamed and embarrassed to let my wife make most of the money AND do most of the childcare AND cater events for my friends …. AND disappear for days on end out of town. He should not be ‘helping with the kids.’ He should be the primary with the kids. Especially right now. That is downright shameful. I am surprised your husband even wanted you to post this.
NTA in this situation. I can understand his need for social engagement but he is taking it too far. As a father myself, I can see what my wife goes through and I know the need to help. Being married is a 50/50 thing and with children involved it is even more needed to make sure everyone does their part. On top of it all my wife also had to get a c-section for the children to be born and that was very hard on her body. He needs to be doing a lot more to help in your recovery. That is a major surgery that sliced you completely open. All this activity is not good for you. He should step up more, do less social activities, and offer more support. Having a job is no excuse. Edit:For people saying marriage should be 100/100, the math doesn’t work out. You both can’t change a diaper individually for 1 dirty diaper, that means a clean diaper would be changed. You both can’t discipline a child separately for one bad act or they will be double punished. 50/50 just means it requires equal work from both parties to complete all needed/wanted task and so that no one burns out or builds resentment. I can see where you all are coming from, that is why each person should put 100% in the task they do. Marriages fall apart just as fast from someone doing to much as they do from someone doing to little.
50/50 is sometimes supposed to be 100/0 where he gives more in her greatest time of need. Social activities can wait a few months. He needs to be there and ignore his need (want) for social engagement unless it absolutely an emergency or unavoidable.
This is so true. I never realized how much I NEEDED my husband post-partum. For women who are used to being independent, it can be crippling and shocking.
NTA. He is being a terrible, self-centered partner and a detached father. He needs to get his shit together pronto.
A problem I see here, which you had mentioned, is that even if he stays home, he will act like a petulant child. I think what you need to ask yourself is, does he just have a blind spot on just this subject, or is he always putting his needs above your and your family's needs. Someone who doesn't want to change won't.
This is the key, no one can force him to care about his own wife and kids.
I’m a man, you are NTA. Your husband is being crazy. In the future please post ages cuz it’s relevant. Are you guys early 20s or something? Prioritize your wife and kids, folks. Not whatever the fuck this guy is doing. And OP being postpartum doesn’t matter, her husband is acting like a jackass regardless of that added tidbit.
Can I file divorce papers on your behalf? Your husband is a massive asshole.
He's obviously going to do whatever he wants. I would take about $500 out, take the kids, and go stay at a friend's place or a hotel while he has these people over. Let him host. Let him explain where you are. Let him be. And while you're there, evaluate whether this individual is adding anything of value to your life.
NTA. I am a man and childfree but know many fathers as friends or coworkers over the years. The vast majority of them married or not all curbed their social life when their kids were babies and toddlers. Most of them really didn't become very active socially until their kids were in school because their kids and wife(if married) became their priorities after work. I can understand actual work events but happy hour, dragging you to a wedding 6 weeks after a C-section, the house party, bachelor and birthday parties are just too much as a dad and husband at this stage of their lives. Can he pick the birthday or bachelor party? Don't give into the "Every parent is stressed and deserves some fun time" crap because I would put $1000 down that if you went on a 4 day bachelorette party in the Caribbean your phone would be going off multiple times a day with text, emails and calls from him all child related and him trying to guilt you about leaving him alone with 2 kids.
As your husband wants to read other men's and dad's opinions here is mine . Your husband is being a colossal d-bag the second my first child was born my whole world changed it was no longer about socialising it was about my family. You have undergone major surgery and need to be seriously looked after not him throwing huge parties it's like he doesn't even care about you. He is being massively selfish and as your the main money earner it looks like he is using that fact to be a party boy. Tell him it's time to grow up and be the role model his children need they will look at how he treats you and think this level of disrespect is ok . It doesn't matter if you have a nanny and let's face it with such an absentee farther in the home you definitely need all the help you can get. Tell your husband it's time to grow up and grow a pair of balls it's time to be in the big leagues now stop mucking around in the little league of nights out and being a grumpy tired baby the next day and be a man and be a real husband and more importantly a real father.
Tell your husband he is selfish and doesnt apperciate the lives you have provide for him .
Lol NTA. Your "husband" is lacking. Does he know that mariage is a partnership? If he cared and loved you he wouldn't try his best to piss you off. Sounds like a manchild who wasn't ready to have children or a long term relationship. Threaten to cut your losses if he doesn't get his shit together.
Your husband is an asshole. Wow.
My husband read this and said that your husband is a bitch
Navigating fatherhood while maintaining a social life is a trajectory that must be recalibrated once kids are in the picture. A man must evolve past his pre-fatherhood identity and forge a new one that includes the roles of provider, protector, and active participant in child-rearing. Your husband's extensive socializing seems to conflict with the pressing demands at home. The transition from 'me' to 'we' can be a challenging one, but it's non-negotiable when the stakes are tiny humans who rely on you. Balancing isn't about cutting out social life completely but rather about ensuring it doesn't encroach on the vital role he plays at home. It's perhaps time to turn these social skills towards the family unit, nurturing those bonds with the same enthusiasm. After all, every night out missed is a memory missed at home—a precious moment that can't be recaptured.
INFO: is this a cultural thing? Is your husband from some super-conservative, traditional, macho-bullshit culture where “men” don’t lift a finger or interact w/their own kids? Is he a time traveler from 1953? Or is he just an asshole? I’m a 45y.o. dad of a 3y.o. Your husband is lazy and isn’t pulling his weight, *especially* if he only makes 1/3 the income! Wtf is his excuse?? Honestly it sounds like he is *trying* to get you to divorce his lazy ass so he can actually be free to go party & be single the way he’s already acting. Dude stayed out partying until 4:30am?!? Dude wants to go party in NYC all night *again* & expects you to stay home w/an infant & toddler?? Dude invited FORTY TWO people to your house for a party without even telling you?!? Holy shit. Dude wants to go to *fucking Jamaica for four days*?!?!?!?!? *If* this post isn’t made-up bullshit, this degree of selfish idiocy can’t possibly be an accident. Like he has to be actively, deliberately *trying* to be a shit husband and a shit father. He has to be *trying* to make you file for divorce. Why though? Maybe his dumb ass expects you’ll wind up paying him alimony since you make more income? Either that or your husband is dumb as hell. Kids or no kids, he’s either already cheating on you or he hopes/plans to. He’s clearly already disrespecting you and your relationship and your needs and *his own damn kids.* I can hardly believe this is legit.
Yeah I didn’t do anything when we had babies unless we had a sitter to allow my wife to go too. The only exception was work trips. Your husband is a douche bag trying to make you do all of the work.
Am male. I'll be 50 years old in a few weeks, have a beard, work a blue collar job, love foorball, etc. I'm as male as they get! I wish you good luck putting the whiney toddler to bed tonight. I'm not talking about the 1.5yo or the baby, you've got that! I'm talking about the third child in your life.
As a certified man (I have the doctor's note to prove it), if my theortical partner tried to bring 42 people near our theoretical newborn baby I would've walked the hell out. I'm not a parent so idk, but aren't kids that young too young for their first vaccines?? Even if the kiddo has already had vaccines, I don't want that many strange germs near my kid. I'm not even commenting on hosting because I hope you wished him and his 42 friends good luck and walked into another room If your maternity leave is unpaid and you needed to save and budget for that, how is he affording a trip to Jamaica? Why is he out until late so often? Why doesn't he like spending time with his kids? This man you're married to puzzles me. I understand wanting some breathing space to relax, but why does he have it constantly and you have it never? NTA
Lmao this is a shit post, right? NTA. As a man, fuck that guy
Dad of 4 daughters 7 and under here. Your husband needs to step the fuck up. It is important for both of you to have "me time", but he needs to make himself more available for you and the kiddos
It's not about tallying up who does what based on earnings or gender roles, it's about mutual respect and understanding the realities of parenting. It sounds like there's a disconnect between expectations and actions here. Communication is key, as is commitment – two things that need a tune-up in your situation. Being present isn't just about physical proximity; it's also about being emotionally available and sharing the burden. It’s not just a few dinners, it's the absence during critical family times which adds up to a pattern of neglect. If roles were reversed, would he be okay with this arrangement? Doubtful. It’s time for a serious family discussion about shared responsibilities, expectations, and how to truly act as a partnership during these formative years.
NTA. Your husband has abandoned you as a partner and is prioritizing his social/work life over his family life. It also seems like he’s actively trying to get out of the house. At 8 weeks postpartum this is cruel and he’s expecting too much out of you. You should have the autonomy and respect for yourself to say no to his insane social demands. Don’t put yourself out for him planning a party without your consent. Fuck that noise. You two both need to work together, not against each other. I think it’s fair to find a compromise but my generosity towards him would be thin until he starts picking up the slack and being more engaged with the family.
His get-together is ridiculous. Leave the day of his 42-person get-together. Spend the day and night elsewhere. Stay with friends, family, or get a hotel. Do not clean up his mess from the party. You do not have to participate if you're uncomfortable. You did not have to attend a wedding to make him happy. Put yourself and the kids first. NTA
Married father of two toddlers here. NTA. Your husband wants to keep partying like he's single. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee. He's a father now and needs to understand that you and his children are the priority. I'm not saying he's not allowed to go out at all, but pretty much everything you listed is beyond anything I've done for the most part since my kids were born. But this is my biggest question. How can you arrange so much child care that you two are still able to live like socialites? I'm lucky if my wife and I can go out once a month lol.
I saved up during pregnancy to pay for all our necessities, because my income is by far the largest and we really depend on it. I kept the nanny because she’s amazing and it didn’t make sense to fire and lose just for three months of leave. Plus I knew I would be having a scheduled c section so I figured it would be nice to have her help while I recovered. As to how my husband is paying for the socializing? I don’t know. He says it’s coming out of his income, but we didn’t account for it during our budgeting for leave. The Jamaica trip he says we can afford because it’s after I go back to work
If you’re not sure where the money is coming from, check for credit cards. He could have opened one (or more) without you (or even “with” you) and be racking up debt. Credit Karma is an easy way to check and monitor that…for both of you.
NTA - I'm a girl so not the target but he should be helping you not putting you through stress. He doesn't get to decide what causes you stress, he should just have your back.
Literally that ask alone makes him TA. He told her her opinion doesn't matter because she's a woman.
Yep, already knew this guy was an AH when he wanted men’s opinions only.
NTA you should be reconsidering this relationship. Your husband's extremely selfish
NTA. Your husband is being selfish. You are only 8 weeks PP AND you have a toddler. You are still recovering and you need the support. Your husband needs to grow up and step up. He's not playing fair to you or to the kids. I'm disgusted on your behalf. He needs to get in the bin.
Not even close to unreasonable. He sounds like he's one of those people that almost compulsively needs social scenes. The amount he has planned is ludicrous. Honestly it wouldn't surprise me if he really has a very hard time forming real connections so supplants it with VOLUME of social interaction
NTA And I predict divorce down the line. Your husband is not a partner or a good parent. You will eventually realize its easier on your own than it is with him around throwing a wrench into your planning.
NTA- female, I know that’s not your audience but I was in your situation 5 years ago. I had a toddler 15months and a brand new baby. I didn’t have a nanny, but did take on all of the child care and my partner did all of the working while I was on unpaid maternity leave for three months. My partner was pulling 12 hour days 5-6days a week and still came home to help with what stage of the day we were at. Even with him helping I had some postpartum resentment. My partner now has overwhelming guilt at missing out on that time with us. Your husband is really taking advantage here. He really needs to take a look at his priorities family and partner should be coming before happy hour drinks, trips, and the social time that’s occurring. He’s not the only person in this house missing out on fun social things to be with the kiddos so is Mom. Balance and communication are key to finding a way to make that first year of 2 under 2 functional for all involved. That first year is hard and you shouldn’t be doing it solo the babies didn’t get made alone so he should be doing some of the work.
I stoped reading at leaving on a 4 day trip to Jamaica. NTA your husband is an inconsiderate dickhead
NTA I showed my husband this post and asked his opinion. He raised his eyebrows and said your husband needs to grow up and be a dad instead of being a 'deadbeat in training'.
NTA having kids requires an adjustment to both parents’ prior lifestyles. He doesn’t do nearly as much as he thinks he does. If hes working he’s not present no matter where he is. If he’s decompressing from work he’s not present. If he’s partying he’s not present. If you’re together and he’s not taking the lead on parental care he’s not present. At some point he has to be present and engaged in a way that allows you to truly disengage and recharge. Otherwise he’s just selfish and needs to grow up and start actively taking care of his family which requires sacrifice.
NTA; frankly, i'm shocked he's getting away with all of this. you had a C-section for christ sake wtf is he thinking????? well he's not probably. he's just thinking of himself.
NTA divorce. Dude, how do you not help your wife?