Nta. He springs this on you THE DAY you move in together? Think about that.
You left your old place believing that your future was settled. He waits and tells you when he knows it will be difficult for you to leave.
He doesn’t even admit to making this decision: it comes straight from God as he prayed about it. If he’s so religious, how is he living with you in sin? I call bullshit. He’s a coward, backing away slowly instead of manning up and being honest with you.
cancel the wedding and this guy. Do you want to spend your life with someone who uses God to get his way?Every issue will end with him saying God told him what to do, so you just shut up and obey.
RUN! Run fast, run far.
OP's fiance's 'praying on it," is just weasel talk for he's got cold feet, but it only became real to him (for whatever reason) when they moved in together.
He's doing a huge diservice by asking for putting the wedding off for anothert year.
I'm also with you on the using God as an excuse for not getting married in Oct. is an attempt to have control over the wedding & OP because of how he feels. He doesn't really care how OP feels because he prayed on it to god, as his excuse. He's coming across as very untrustworthy.
He’s springing this on you now because moving in together is making the whole thing more real to him. He’s in shock and is desperately looking for a way to call a halt without looking like a complete AH.
He likely had no idea that all that money is lost since you did all the planning. That in itself, by the way, is a really bad sign. Why hasn’t he been deeply involved in all of this?
Regardless, I think you need to do what it takes to force him to be honest with you. Demand he go see a couple’s therapist with you and that the agenda be to ensure that the marriage get off to a healthy start. The first issue being his sudden change of heart.
My ex did this to me as well. I wish I had stood up to him and called the wedding off. We ended up divorcing 13 months later. Trust your God on this, as devastating as it is, true to yourself. So sorry you’re going through this. NTA
This. 100% this. This is the kind of person that votes republican because they don't believe in abortion. Also, the same person that had someone drive their daughter/girlfriend to a state where abortion is legal.
You need to move out immediately, and tell all the family members on both sides that he has chosen not to get married, because that's what's happening here. He has, as of today, what he wants, which is a bangmaid who contributes, but to whom he has no actual responsibility.
Your father can get partial refunds on the deposits, and you can ask your former fiance to pay the difference. Depending on where you live, you may be able to sue him.
5 months is enough time for family members to rearrange their lives.
HOWEVER, if the wedding stuff is Not refundable, and people come anyway, I suggest you have the biggest " Thank God I Didn't Marry Him " party you can, excluding his family. By then you'll likely be glad you're out of the relationship.
DO NOT continue to live with him. You deserve better.
This, all of this, right here!!!
To me it speaks volumes of this “man” that he sprung the wedding postponement conversation on OP the DAY THEY MOVED IN TOGETHER. Girl do not unpack a single thing, just take your stuff and go.
Also, announce it on Facebook making clear it was 100% on him, you're devastated, he told you on the first day you moved in together, it was very much a shock to you and make clear he agreed to refund your family for any wedding AND MOVING costs you and your family can't get back. That way he can't whine or twist things later to his friends or family.
I would also ensure he puts it in writing either by text or letter to you as proof if you need it later.
Love the housewarming registry idea
She has to stop and trying to convince him to do something he has told her he does not want to do. Jump on getting those refunds while there's still time for the venues and caterers to fill that spot with someone who is getting married
Stop being to be in somebody's life when they don't want you and put that energy and defining your own place
Unfortunately, it sounds like he just doesn’t want to marry you, but is too scared to admit it. I feel like what’s going to end up happening is you get married and a couple months in he’s going to reveal his true feelings and you’re going to be left feeling even worse. I advise you to try to get him to sit down and express how he really feels, because someone who really truly wants to get married would not push their wedding back. See what money you can get back for the wedding and leave while you can. I’m sure your dad will understand you not wanting to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you. I have a feeling you knew all this already and i’m really sorry you’re going through this, but you need to find someone who’s excited to marry you.
edit: i’m seeing a lot of comments on her calling you the AH and to talk things out with him. I understand why people would think that’s the level headed thing to do, but at the end of the day he had months to come to you and talk this through and work through his own problems. He is a grown adult just as you are. He should have the ability to recognize his problem and work through it the way he sees fit, which to him is just to prolong his problem and string you along. Imagine how it will be after you two get married and he pulls something similar to this in the future, do you always want to be responsible for his inability to communicate his feelings and struggles? Do you want to be seen as the asshole for standing your ground? Pre-marriage nerves is one thing, but pushing back plans that have financial consequences on other people because you’re incapable of communicating how you feel is another. I’m glad things worked out for others in these comments, but is that a risk you’re willing to take? Obviously, you can’t force him to marry you, but I think your next steps are clear.
Yeah - you would think that someone would really face the reality of marriage before they actually ask someone.
OP NTA, cut your losses. You have no reason to feel embarrassed when cancelling.
He will be financially wise after he pays for all the deposits and nonrefundable marriage costs of planned wedding.
Thank the universe he spoke it out loud and saved you from a No Win marriage.
Can't say I disagree however hatsh this may seem. His "pretext" is irrational as getting married involves building a life together and "saving up" and all those other things you do while continuing to grow up.
Thats sounds like he doesn't want to build a life together. It will be easiest to end things sooner than when the wedding is closer.
I am with you. I wouldn’t marry someone who doesn’t want to marry me but I also wouldn’t postpone. Presumably, there were many steps, and many slowdown/turnaround points, between courtship and engagement and between engagement and wedding is mostly planned. Unless you pushed this wedding, his request to postpone seems like the coward’s way of saying, “you are not the one”.
I would move out as a starter and consider a full break up. Life it too short to spend it w someone who at best sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and at worst knows it isn’t you but doesn’t have the guts to say it. OP deserves better.
Agree. He's saying he prayed about it and feels it's right. So he's saying even God doesn't think they should get married right now. He's feeling convicted not to marry her not even owning his own feelings.
Agreed and I say that as a person of faith who believes in the power of prayer. Presumably as a man of God he prayed about it before he proposed????
I have witnessed great acts of faith over the years but I have also watched as some people have claimed, “I prayed about and have peace so I know it is the right decision” and used that to justify a whole lotta shite. Really? Where in the Bible does it say you should lie, cheat, and treat your spouse/family/friends like complete and total crap with impunity? I am not saying OPs fiancé is necessarily doing anything truly awful. I am just saying that claiming something is from God does not automatically make it so.
And he is a dink for waiting til she moves in to significantly move the goalposts.
I completely respect the religious aspect 100%. Your comment was a better explanation of my point. I guess her boxes/stuff finally brought it home to him that it was real and not what he wants. I feel sorry for her but think she should move on. Yes, people won't be happy about the loss of money but most will understand. The people that bought plane tickets can probably get them changed to go somewhere they really want to go for the price of what would've been shower/wedding gifts. I'm sure her Dad would rather lose some money than have his daughter go through a divorce. Fiancé should man up and pay her Father back for the deposits.
I pray he get the balls to tell you the truth. You can consider counseling. The reality is he doesn't want to get married. Getting closer with out canceling is only delaying the inevitable. The pray is a BS excuse.
The closed it gets to the wedding the worse it will feel.
Why would you want to marry someone that would do this to you! How do you know he just won’t show up on your wedding day! Unbelievable! How could you possibly trust him? Trust is the basis of your relationship, without that there is no relationship!
Yeah. He "prayed about it" and decided that the plans you made and YOUR FATHER losing money is a sacrifice he is willing to make.
He's a jerk and you should cancel the wedding.
Notice he waiting until you were living together to so this?
He thinks he has you locked down already.
yeah.
fuck him with a cactus.
yeah. The useless pos literally has invested NOTHING into the wedding so what does he care?
No skin in the game at all. AND he will NEVER be in that game.
"Religious" men out there having "pre-marital sex",
knocking women up, lying and making promises they have no intention of keeping, living with women out of wedlock (just a few posts combined) sure know how to use their "religion" it to their advantage and shelve it when it's inconvenient.
I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.
[Susan B. Anthony](https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/susan-b-anthony-quotes)
NTA. I would tell him he needs to pay your dad back for the deposits he’s already made and I would move out so he can figure out what he wants. It’s unfair to you and your father for him to decide he’s not ready after the money was spent and you’ve moved in with him. I wouldn’t even choose a new wedding date until he’s worked his stuff out and the real reason he doesn’t feel ready.
I’m very sorry, but you are not getting married in October unless you find another guy. He is trying to ease his way out. You might as well let everyone know now so they can change their plans and get any partial refunds they may be entitled to.
Yes, losing some deposits might add up, but going through with a reluctant partner means you shell out a lot more for a wedding, reception and all of the other events, guest spend a lot too, and then the inevitable divorce costs even more. He doesn't want to marry you, cancel the wedding, and don't be surprised when he has another fiance in no time.
look, your fiancé is praying to postpone the wedding, I think this relationship is over.
There's not much point in all this stuff your fiancé is saying, once you've set the date, booked the places. Of course, it's better to find out now that he doesn't want to marry.
Do you have somewhere that you can move to? IF so pack your things and leave. Take any money in joint accounts to give your father for the deposits he's paid. If there is an engagement ring give it to your father to sell to cover the remaining expenses.
This man doesn't want to marry you--- he wants a RWB "room mate with benefits". You can and should do better for yourself you deserve a man who actually WANTS to marry you.
NTA, and hopefully, your stuff is still in boxes, so moving out will be easier. He, IMO, is making excuses. Tell him that HE owes your dad money and that you and him are done and walk away. There is more to his story than what he is telling you.
Yup. Give him an itemized list of what he owes and a date on which to pay. You're lucky you found out before you were legally tied to him and maybe had children.
Tell him you have “prayed on it” yourself and you are not comfortable living in sin if you won’t be getting married. You moved in with him to start a life together, not just to split expenses so he could save money. He needs to find another place to live.
OP did he even want to move in together or did he drag his feet with that too? You are correct - all those things he wants to do as far as "save up" are things you can do as a married couple. While I do not know if it is still early enough, you should probably cancel everything and hope you will get at least some deposits back. If you're lucky, maybe there are people on the waiting lists and you won't lose too much. Yes it's sad that your out of state family already booked flights, but hopefully they purchased the trip insurance. Also one of you should move out.
Move out.
Move out.
Move out.
I would break up, or at least end the engagement. Yes, it's expensive and yest it's trouble but divorce is worse and worse of all is what looks to me like him stringing you along because he's getting the milk for free.
If he really is talking to God about this God's gonna tell him y'all need to live separately.
Do go ahead and call the vendors, etc because you'd be a fool to go ahead with the planning under these circumstances.
I'm sorry. But as someone who broke her own engagement years ago and went on to marry someone else, life doesn't end and you might find a BETTER man to marry.
NTA
So he decided he isn’t ready to marry you the day after you moved in together?
If this is real and not just some conservative fan fiction, the solution is you break up and move out. He is playing games with you and the only way to respond is to refuse to play.
Nta, but he's waving a big red flag in your face, this marriage isn't going to happen in this decade....can you live with never knowing if he's going to be ready....ever?
NTA. Call off the wedding entirely. There's not a single thing he mentioned that can't be done as a married couple. It's not like you're jumping straight into kids right after. Call off the wedding, tell everyone it's his fault, and that he told you he didn't want to get married yet, and that based on the way he specifically said it, you knew he meant ever. Then tell him he has to pay back every cent that was put down as a deposit toward the wedding that he didn't pay because he decided to wait until the wedding was nearly upon you to voice his concerns. The dude doesn't want to marry you. He just wants you to be the bad guy.
Edit to add: better now, 5 months out, instead of leaving you at the altar or dumping you a few months after the wedding.
NTA
Babe, he doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't want to marry you badly enough that he wants to CANCEL EVERYTHING already planned. Tell him how much the cancelation fees are, insist he pays them now, and then ask yourself why he waited until he'd moved in to reveal all this 🙄😒
NTA. He tells you this AFTER he gets you to move in with him. Granny here, my advice is to tell him you will be moving out immediately and not contributing anything to the cost of the apartment. You do not need to be cooking, cleaning, or having sex with someone who doesn't want to marry you as planned. Don't cancel the reception, instead have a big party to celebrate your independence. It will be much less expensive than a divorce.
This is not a case of cold feet. This is a case that he no longer wants to marry you, yet is afraid to lose you as well. He wants a place holder. Believe me when I say WHEN you break up with him he will be married and pregnant in less than a year. Find your trie person because he is not the one.
The fact that you moved in together yesterday probably means that he got what he wanted and marriage isn't that thing. You might consider becoming less accessible to him (viz. move back out, re-evealuate the relationship) otherwise you'll probably coast along as a couple for many more years. NTA.
NTA. He waits until you move in together to tell you to postpone the wedding shows exactly what he's about. He wants a live in partner in his bed and contributing to his lifestyle without making legal commitments. Then he has the audacity to blame it on God. If he had actually heard from God he wouldn't have moved in with you at all.
Tell him he has to reimburse everyone for non refundable deposits and you for your moving expenses and after he does, leave him.
If he refuses to refund anything, just leave. You can always use the venue for a party to celebrate dumping this lying loser.
He doesn’t want to marry you.
Not now, not in October.
Cut your losses.
Move out.
Give back the ring.
Salvage what money you can.
Move on.
Be at peace.
Trying to force a marriage will end in disaster.
NTA
**Give back the ring.**
No. Sell the ring and use the money to pay off the debt incurred by the ex cancelling the wedding. If there's anything left send him a Starbuck's gift card.
Probably not good advice. In many jurisdictions the engagement ring is a conditional gift and has to be returned if the couple breaks up. What OP doesn't need is a theft charge for selling something that legaly doesn't belong to her
“Pray about it” Unfortunately, that’s all you need to know. He ain’t doing it, and if he does, this ain’t for you. A hard pill to swallow, but a bullet dodged.
"praying" - blaming an imaginary figure telling him to wait - sure. He's trying to put the blame for changing his mind somewhere else but on himself. Next, it might be his mother, his 4th grade teach or you.
Sit him down and ask him what is really going on. If it goes south, tell him he has to reimburse your father for everything he spent.
That ring will offset summa those deposits. Do not t fking give it back. Let him pay it off like ur dad had to eat retirement savings. Gd that boy is a butt.
Your fiance prayed to God about getting married and came to the conclusion you should cancel the wedding and live in sin with you instead lol.
He's using his prayer as a weird out and you should give it to him. Send out a mass text to everyone and let them know exactly what he said. If he's a man of God and truly genuinely believes this is correct he will be happy to tell his family about his religious discovery. If he freaks out, it's because it was never about God
NTA - I would contact all the vendors and see who is willing to give back deposits. I don't think it is a good idea to marry him. "He prayed on it" seriously WTF!
Something else is going on. I could not stay in this relationship. Especially if he was fully disregarding the amount of money already put into it, work and arrangements.
By leaving him you will save yourself a lifetime of indecisive behavior. It's obvious the only person he cares about is himself. He is just making exuses for not being ready in general. Or potentially wanting to back out completely. Or potentially, there is someone else.
For my Petty Peeps Shout of to CharlotteDobreYouTube.
Whatever you can't cancel or get your money back for. Use for a family reunion.
Disinvited his entire family. Include he just wasn't ready and chose to waste all your fathers money due to his indecisive behavior include his phone number if they have questions. (This way you arent getting calls from them, if they do call or reach out on socials block them it is his family his problem.)
Use the photographer to do a photoshoot of destroying your wedding dress.
It's easy to say god told you to do something when you have nothing to lose and no skin or effort on the game. What a loser. You are lucky to be told unequivocally who he is. Move on,it may not look like it but it'll be all better from here.
YTA
For this:
"I’ve said no." What the hell? Are you going to have your father get him there at gunpoint?
There is no "crossroads." He does not want to marry you. Face facts and cancel the wedding.
If you somehow twist his arm and get him to go through with it, you can go ahead and plan the divorce.
Yikes, dude sucks, doesn't want to marry you and is scared to admit it. Praying on it? Prayer isn't real, so whatever he "thought of" while talking to himself are just his real thoughts, he's telling himself not to marry you. This is an expensive lesson to learn, but learn it now rather than 3 years from now while divorcing this guy because he keeps bringing up that you forced him into the marriage before he was ready.
Hun you seem to be missing the point - this isn’t about money or travel plans or embarrassment. You are standing there insisting on marrying someone who just told you he didn’t want to marry you. You don’t see the problem in that? Yeah he might change his mind in December and feel like he wants to reschedule for 2025, but it’s actually far more likely that once the wedding is canceled, he’ll be relieved and then finalize a breakup. It’s not a matter of “well we are getting married anyways so might as well do it now”. It’s more like “he is so against marrying me that even knowing the loss of money and our having to tell everyone we know and likely creating a permanent bad reputation with my family, he STILL wants to call it off”. Stop focusing on the party and recognize that the marriage itself is in trouble. ESH
If he's so concerned about finances and stability, then why did he wait until you moved in? He's had a lot of time to talk about this. The timing is suspicious.
And if he's so set on " God's " wishes for his life, why is it okay to live together without being married? Isn't that a big no for most religions? I mean, that's an odd part to ignore, if it's God's will you wait get married.
What does your gut say?
He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t want to live with you. Bet the only thing he wants to continue with is sex with you.
1) Cancel the wedding. 2) Move out. 3) Present him with the bills from the non-refundable deposits. 4) File in Small Claims Court for anything he doesn’t pay. Depending on jurisdictions, the range is $7,400-$12,500).
Yes, it’s emotionally devastating but he has shown you who he is. BELIEVE HIM & LEAVE.
If you were renting before, call your landlord and get your old place back if possible.
This is a cop out on his part~better to rip the bandaid off now and get it over with.
YTA. If someone says they want to push back the wedding, YTA for not cancelling the whole thing immediately.
If someone says they are not ready to marry you, believe them. Cancel the wedding. One of you needs to move out. It is up to you if you want to continue dating, but do NOT depend on a future with this man at this time.
I couldn’t respect a man who prays about this issue, while living with someone he’s not married to. If you do put off the wedding date, you should move out as you moved in with him under false pretenses.
Tell him how much he owes your dad in order for you to be okay with him no longer wanting to get married. Don’t accept his objection to how that is phrased.
Then take deep breaths, rent a hotel room for a few days to figure out next steps without his influence.
This man has no intention of getting married but he very much intends to expect you to be the wife. You need to decide if you are okay with that. If not, start planning your exit. Don’t telegraph any of this to him. Be pleasant and not interested in the situation and simply do what you need to do to get out of it.
Tell him you’re sure he considered his decision carefully, and understands the financial consequences. Given his careful consideration of the situation, you will comply with his wishes.
And then tell him he’s on the hook for all the non-refundable costs. That’ll impact his savings very nicely. Have a camera ready for his shocked Pikachu face.
Send him the bills.
NTA. My husband pushed our wedding further out at the last minute (like a week before the wedding was supposed to happen). We did still end up getting married, but I regret it now. It was a massive red flag that my dumb, love struck self decided to overlook. Wanting more time just for the sake of having more time, when plans have been made, money spent, and the date sent out, is incredibly selfish. He, like my husband did, is showing you that your priorities are not his. He’s not putting you first, and that’s unlikely to change.
NTA - The deposits have been paid. Tell him if he is prepared to reimburse your father and anyone else who will be out of pocket for his sudden change of heart, then you'll consider it. But he would have to write the checks and do it immediately. If he's not willing to reimburse everyone, then he needs to decide if he really wants to get married. It's either October 2024 or not at all.
My guess is that he got cold feet during the move-in together and just needs a metaphorical slap to get out of it.
ESH, he's praying for the wedding to be delayed. Is he asking Jesus for a tornado? He's getting cold feet, and if you don't work this out, you may be standing at the altar alone. I think that you kinda need to cancel or postpone.
YTA (answering the question not the situation).
By not agreeing you are pushing into a forced marriage, how long do you think it will last before he throws it to your face? 1st argument, 2nd ?
Accept if he pays back the current costs.
Then move out again. Maybe after he sees what he is missing he might forget about his cold feet.
Some people need a reality check to get over the stress of a new situation.
If he does not change his mind after those steps it’s clear that he was just misleading you into a marriage he did not want.
Honestly OP, not enough info, nobody's the asshole yet.
This is an opportunity to put communication skills to the test. Take a deeper cut, work on the specifics as to why he feels he doesn't have stability, how much money he needs to feel financially stable, etc. Get specific. Don't do this confrontationally, or expect an immediate answer when you ask the questions, but get the gears turning. Pre-wedding jitters can show itself in different ways. You need to work together to determine whether he's scared about money, or he's having second thoughts about committing to you, or if he's just plain overwhelmed. If you can't find clarity on what he needs to be ready to move forward, go to couples counseling.
I was in a similar boat with my wife. I was totally overwhelmed and had no idea what I was doing or what I was supposed to be doing. Between counseling and hard introspection, I was able to get over the hurdle.
The month before the wedding I was a nervous wreck, and she was scared that I wanted to bail. Truth is, I didn't want to *get* married, I wanted to *be* married.
The day before the wedding, we let go of the controls and left the culmination of two years of hard work and preparation to fate. That night I slept like a baby, and mostly every night since. P.S, our wedding was amazing. We cut a lot of things out that you would expect from a traditional wedding, and wound up landing at under $25k. Despite this, our families still rave at how much fun they had. It went *fast*!
Biggest piece of advice I can offer you is don't panic. Like every other thing you have to deal with, one step at a time, take it slow, and do everything you can to keep stress levels to an absolute minimum. There's a lot of reasons he may be behaving this way, and only a couple have the potential to be a serious problem for you.
I’m sorry. You can try a honest discussion but I think you need to think seriously about leaving. This is him saying maybe you should wait getting married because he doesn’t really believe YOU ARE THE ONE. Don’t be anyone’s placeholder.
Time for a big, long talk. Tell him that if he just doesn't want to get married, letting you know sooner than later is good. I had a friend whose daughter and fiancé knew it wasn't going to work, but didn't have the nerve to call off the wedding until like 2 weeks in advance. When talking to them for the next month it reminded me of speaking to someone who lost a loved one. They were literally mourning the wedding.
It may be that he is realizing this won't work for him, it may be cold feet, it may be that he is in the middle of a huge change (moving in together is a big deal) and feeling a lot of pressure. Especially if you bought this house. When I bought my first house at 28, I was so freaked out I had psychosomatic muscle problems. The day after we closed they disappeared.
NTA, but please believe him the first time and take a step (or 5) back. Figure out in your mind who’s moving out when (probably not if) it comes to that.
NTA.
It sounds more like hes gotten cold feet and doesn't want you marry you yet. i don't know how long you've been together, but generally i think 3-4 years before getting married is a good time.
That said. don't set an ultimatum for him to marry you. Just tell him if he wants to push it back then he will be the one telling his and your relatives that he wants to push it back and he needs to be the one to call all the hired vendors and the venue (if its booked already)
Hoonestly. if i were you. i'd be putting the whole marriage thing to a stop because he doesn't seem to be ready at all.
He no longer wants to get married, or maybe he never did but went along with it. Instead of postponing the wedding, you should be calling it off. Come to the agreement where he pays for all the cost of canceling the wedding, so at least you are not out any money. Whether you want to stay in this relationship and figure out the truth of what he feels about you is up to you. NTA.
People losing money or "feeling crushed" is a stupid, horseshit reason to push through marrying someone who clearly doesn't want to get married. It's just as stupid as him saying God is telling him to push it forward until some nebulous undefined goal is met.
You can earn more money and divorce is going to be way more expensive than losing deposits. Those other "crushed" people don't have to live in a potential dumpster fire of a marriage filled with the resentment of someone who doesn't want to be married.
But I wouldn't "push back" the date. I would just cancel outright. Period. Move out. Your choice to break up or go back to just dating, not engaged. He can't even take responsibility for his own decisions and he can't even give you defined reasons or benchmarks to know when these ill-defined nebulous goals can be met nor has he told you how he will meet them. What does "stable" look like? Mentally or emotionally stable? Physically stable? Financially stable? Stable at work? Does it mean he owns a house? Or gets a promotion at work? Has his student loans paid off? Stops thinking about what it might be like to fuck other people? And how much money is enough money saved? $1,000? $10,000? $100,000? Maxing out his yearly IRA contributions? And what happens if one year later he still doesn't feel "stable enough" or that he has "saved enough"??? Move the date again?
He's not ready to marry. Period. But yes, you are right in that there is no reason why you couldn't work on financial goals together which is what should be your first clue that his reasons are bullshit and not anything more concrete than "I don't want to be married." Plain and simple. He's using those other things to try to legitimize it because he can't just admit it otherwise. He's using it to bide his time hoping that if he just waits longer, then he will magically want it.
If he can't give you specifics - specific goals and a specific plan to meet them, then it's time to either cut losses or if you're unwilling to do that just cancel the wedding and demand pre-marital couples counseling.
So not a wedding but do the party anyway. Don’t just lose all that money. Better he tells you now than when you’re married maybe with kids. Divorce is also expensive. Dick move of him to wait until you’re living together though.
It’s pretty obvious dude doesn’t want to marry you.
If he has to pray on it; my thinking is, “pray into one hand and shit into the other, and see which one fills up first.”
Take the L. Move on.
YTA for not seeing reality punching you in the mouth.
I think you’re too fixated on the timing of the wedding and missing that he’s signaling to you his lack of confidence in your marriage together which isn’t something you fix by focusing on a loss of money for a wedding and how much effort you put into planning it…
Kinda NTA but also missing the point that is more important imo which will bite you in the end
Try asking him why exactly he feels those things he wants to work on are suddenly more important than before or to quantify what is the point he’ll feel more stable, why that quantitative value will make him feel more stable and what is his exact plan to achieve that in the next 15 months that will make him comfortable marrying you one year later.
If he’s legit not second guessing the marriage and has some rational basis you’ll find out. If it’s what we suspect it’ll unravel real quick.
I had a friend who was dating her ex for 7 years and as she neared 30, she gave him an ultimatum. Isn't 7 years long enough to know?
Anyway, at the huge Italian wedding, he hesitates before saying his vows. Like uncomfortably long before he spits them out. Then everyone sighs and giggles and the wedding carries on.
She gets pregnant on the honeymoon (planned), and when they come back, he won't fully move into the house they have owned together for some time. She thinks he's at his mom's. Turns out he was at the GF and they didn't really have a marriage. He's with the GF while she gives birth and is a single mom from then on. He didn't even want to coparent. He was a great boyfriend, but not husband material.
My point is, listen to what he is telling you. Maybe go to a counselor so he can learn how to express how he's feeling. You do not want to marry a reluctant groom. It won't end well.
NTA. This is called a “bait & switch.” Break up, get whatever money back you can, and get away from this coward. He doesn’t want to marry you and he’s too much of a pussy to come clean and have an honest conversation with you.
I prayed about this post and God told me you should prepare for a breakup if you don’t want to be his doormat. Get to work now on getting any of your money back. Everyone deserves to be with a partner who actually shares their goals.
>He wants to build more savings, feel stable etc. While these are fair points
These are *not* fair points. It would be a fair point to delay having children but not for simply getting married. There is something else going in within himself. You need to get down to the nitty-gritty of his hesitancy. Additionally, I would be the onus on him to inform your families, etc. if he follows through with the delay/cancelation.
"Family and Friends. I regret to inform you that my wedding in October has been canceled. I am unable to help you with refunds at this time. God spoke to my ex-boyfriend on the day we moved in together and told him that he shouldn't marry me at this time, but I could stay there and provide sex, cleaning, and contribute financially to help him meet his personal goals. God did not provide another place for me to live, should I decline providing sex, cleaning, and financial support to help him meet his personal goals, while I was busy canceling our wedding, so I'm on my own right now with finding another place to live. Thank you all for trying to be there for me."
I get cold feet before a wedding, being unsure about future plans, and just feeling uncertain - but you've got to communicate that, and not trap someone in a situation and leave them there. Having you move in and then telling you was not okay.
The minute he said "I prayed about it", I would be out. That's a cop out and blaming "God" for you being a chicken shit.
Get your deposits back. Send the fool back to his church and dump him. Go on a nice *solo* trip without him. Maybe ask his pastor very bluntly with him present if he's cheating.
Tell him he can refund all your dads money spent
on deposits and you won’t push back but instead cancel it. Obviously he is not ready for marriage or a serious relationship.
He's told you what you need to know. Please listen.
Cancel the wedding, inform everyone, move out, and start the healing process. He doesn't want to get married and isn't willing to be honest with you about it.
NTA but you really shouldn't be marrying this AH. I sense a good deal of manipulation in his actions. Pack up anything you've unpacked and go home. Cancel everything but first cance the engagement.
This man does not want to marry you. Believe him when he says that he wants to push things out. He has no intention of marrying you. You need to tell your families about this AH and cancel everything. He’s so full of crap saying that this came from God. He’s trying to gaslight you. Believe who people are the first time that they show you. He’s a user and could have seriously wasted your dad’s money and the other ppl that paid for flights already. What an SOB. GTFO of the living place that you are in with him. Prioritize your needs right now. He doesn’t love you. Take care of you and surround yourself with ppl that actually care about you.
When people push off decisions on relationships, it's because they aren't ready to admit the situation isn't a good fit for them. Don't unpack. Time to cancel the wedding plans. Better to find out now than after the wedding. Your true person is out there, keep looking.
NTA first thing you need to do is tell him you agree to push the wedding back as long as he pays everyone back what they would lose because of it (your father the deposits, anyone who will lose the cost of flights etc). Once he agrees and actually pays people the money look for somewhere else to live and once that is secured dump him and find someone worthy of you who won’t mess you around
NTA but… you can’t marry him… I’m sorry 😔
I don’t know what’s got into him but his reasons/excuses aren’t valid
I hope that you are in a position to be able to move back out immediately. Tell him, yes you get it, but, he will HAVE to pay for anything where others will lose money.
Tell him it will help him with his budgeting. (I’m being facetious) Maybe you can help him sell some belongings to compensate those that he’s let down & assumed that they ‘won’t mind’ losing their money over his abominably timed decision. He owes them. He can’t just ‘put this back’ & except everyone to just fall in line, it’s disrespectful. He needs to own it
Hopefully someone truly worthy of you will be around the corner & you can be relieved you got away from this fool
I wouldn't want to marry someone who wasn't 100% enthusiastic. I also wouldn't want to marry someone who blamed God for their own decisions instead of being accountable. Is all his selfish and inconsiderate decisions in your marriage going to be Gods fault too.
I would tell him that if he pays your dad back out of his personal funds. When that's done say actually it's not postponed it's cancelled and I'm no longer interested in a coward and move out.
NTA
BIG RED FLAG!! he should have told you this BEFORE you moved in together!!!
He is dirty underhanded & manipulative. PFFT - he’s blaming god for his bs.
He had plenty of time to talk to you. The fact that he waited until you both moved in together is a huge red flag. (You can’t easily back out)
He gets all the benefits of the milk for free without having to buy the cow, another year to make even more excuses.
If you do decide to stay with this guy & wait. Find your own place - make him pay for your moving expenses and make him eat the costs of moving the date.
Baby girl! Whew, this is a hard one! This is far from fair on your behalf! He knew the wedding date. He could've said something before everything was said and done. You've already spent money! He's talking about wanting to wait to build but yet, is he thinking about the fact that he'll be setting y'all back because of this? He's trying to back-peddle now that he has you in his house! Trying to have you settle with that. Your suggestion of building together as a married couple is the best compromise! YOU'RE NTA
He could've told you this before the deposits and all the planning. He waited until you moved in together thinking he could have a "wife" without having to marry you.
He probably doesn't really want to marry you. He led you on until you moved in.
NTA but there is a 90% chance that this relationship is finished.
If you still love him after his betrayal, I would suggest:
- move out
- gather a list of all the cost generated by the cancellation and ask him to pay
- cancel everything
- think seriously if you are ready to fight for this relationship. If you think it’s not worth it, then this is over.
If you want to fight, propose counseling to him. It can be marriage preparation at his church if he is so inspired by God
- consider counseling for you alone. He is not reliable. He knew he wanted to postpone but didn’t tell you until the moment who had moved him.
Even if you decide to move forward and end up organize the wedding once again, there is a very high chance he won’t show up
I am so sorry for you.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine but they were already married. They were supposed to move far away. He was supposed to prepare everything for her arrival with the kids. They sold their house. The day they were supposed to move, he told her it was over. She was left with a truck full of stuff, no house and 3 children she had to explain the situation to.
I hope you will find happiness.
He has told you plainly that he does not want to marry you at the agreed time and place. He is entirely within his rights to do so.
In light of his new reticence, you would be wise to take a big step back while he contemplates whether he wants to marry you, and when. As things currently stand, he has most of the advantages of being married to you (your contributions to his life as his housemate, lover, domestic partner, etc.) while having none of the obligations as a husband.
Do not continue to live with this man. Move back in with your family if you need to, or couch surf with friends while you find your own place. But get out of the almost-wife trap.
Explain the situation to your father, including the nonrefundable deposits. If your father is like mine, he will eat the loss of the deposits ONCE for the sake of your happiness. Perhaps your boyfriend will reimburse your father for his losses; if so, that's a point in his favor, if not, a point against. There's zero chance that my father would be willing to pay the same deposits twice, so be ready to pay your own wedding expenses going forward, if the wedding ever does go forward.
I agree with the other people on here the best thing to do is just call it quits find your own place and leave this guy in the dust because he is never going to pull the trigger, he will keep kicking the can down the road and one day you will wake up and realize you wasted your life with a wishy washy guy who is afraid to commit, if your dad can get some of his money back do so and move on because this guy is just wasting your time.
I'm more than a bit triggered by this post, I feel for you but it's over. Move on. You say you've booked this and planned that. Did he help in anyway? Did he join in? As others have said h doesn't want to marry you, he's a coward and you deserve better.
Your family and guests will be supportive, brace yourself and tell them that he has cancelled the wedding. Many will want to know why, tell them what you are comfortable saying. Move out, or kick him out Get monies back where you can, hopefully you took out insurance, I didn't.
Don't waste any more of your life on this man.
Your fiancé doesn’t want to get married to you. That’s a bullshit excuse.
Get refunds on what you can, give him a bill for at least half of what you don’t get back to give to your dad.
Better to call off the wedding than to get divorced two months later.
YTA for not pushing back or canceling the wedding. You are 5 months away- that’s time enough to cancel the plans, cancel travel arrangements and get at least partial refunds of the deposits. You should not push to marry a man that is telling you very clearly he is not ready. Forcing the issue isn’t going to make his concerns go away and won’t lead you to a happy marriage. If the man doesn’t want to marry in October you can’t and shouldn’t try to force him to. You would be justified in telling him you will cancel but he needs to pay your dad back for the money already spent if you stay together. You could also decide you don’t want to live together right now since he is so unsure.
The question here is- What’s more important - the wedding or a happy marriage?
NTA, but don't reschedule. Cancellation now is cheaper than divorcing a man that does not want to get married.
He's breaking up with you the slow, painful way.
NTA for feeling the way you feel, especially after all the money your father has invested into this wedding, unfortunately you won't do yourself any favours by getting married to a guy who doesn't feel ready.
He's an AH for dropping this on you the day you moved together, he chose to wait maybe thinking you it would be harder to object to his decision while living with him? it seems like a coward move on his part.
NTA
I guess it’s better He say it now on the day before the wedding.
On the day he moves in with you. He tells you he wants to delay the wedding. I’m assuming that the reason that you weren’t already living together was that you wanted to do so only when you were engaged to be married.
It’s hard to tell if he just has cold feet or the relationship is doomed and he has no intention of ever marrying you.
Nonrefundable deposits really suck. Maybe you could sell it to another bride and groom, or just have a big family reunion party.
A thought regarding those deposits. Make a listing of all the services, venue ECT ECT and the amount of the deposits, and pass that information on to your area wedding planners, bridal shops, FB marketplace ect. Someone might be glad to reimburse your dad for the deposits.
So sorry this has happened, but you've dodged a bullet.
Wait, so he's having you move in before the wedding and now he's suddenly interested in God's opinion? From the limited info given this guy doesn't sound too bright.
NTA. Move out and tell him the wedding is off. He either has cold feet and needs a shock to get him past it, or he is now happy that he has a live in GF and doesn’t see a need for a wedding. The fact that he sprung it on you the day you moved in is a huge red flag. He could have told you before you moved in. He was completely dishonest in this.
I can't like this comment enough. 100% agree that you finance Is The AH. He just got the milk for free when you moved in. Now, he doesn't want to commit to the whole cow.
And what God is this telling him to move the date 12 months??! You are right, as a married couple you can work on finances better together and you both will be more secure.
He's "praying on it" meaning he is invoking GOD into the argument, and so you need to accept it or you're defying your creator's wishes? What kind of ridiculous human being is he? good lord.
don’t push it back. CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF. DO NOT MARRY HIM.
However. keep the date. it will be the most beautifully decorated family reunion your family will ever have! don’t waste that money. and wear the hell out of that dress. yes. wear it. maybe not the whole time, but get some nice shots of it.
keep the date. it will be a memorable family reunion, and please update.
NTA. If you push it back now it will become a constant thing and you will never get married. Here's the thing, marriage doesn't actually change anything in the relationship aside from making it harder to break up. The wedding is already covered so theres no real reason to delay it for savings.
Frankly, it doesn't matter how much you or your family have prepared for the
Your fiance is unprepared to be married.
Why are you arguing with someone to marry you when they don't want to? How can they be anything but resentful?
You are putting the wedding above your marriage. I think he is wise to have some second thoughts
He knew this was coming up. He agreed to the dates. You will likely lose money moving the date.
He needs to be a big boy and live up to his commitment or yall need to reconsider getting married.
I would over communicate all of this with him.
NTA but I don't think he understands what he's saying. He *thinks* he's saying "I don't want to marry you in October, but I do want to marry you at some future point, and have you put in all of the work to arrange a wedding as well as have both of our families there." And what he is *actually* saying is "I don't want to marry you ever and it's fine if you leave me over this."
Why? Because you'll resent him. You will resent him for the wasted money. You will resent him for the wasted time and effort planning. Your families will both resent him for the non-refundable travel expenses, and many will not come to a re-planned wedding. And why would they? What's he gonna do, just cancel again anyway? Why would *you* put in time and effort to plan another wedding with him when you can't count on him not to cancel on you.
I don't think he understands that this may very well end the relationship. He shouldn't get married to you in October if he isn't ready to be married to you. But he needs to understand that backing out at this stage means that he very likely won't ever marry you.
NTA. Keep the date. He is stalling and it is better to bring things to a head sooner rather than later. If he actually walks away, you should know this now (not years from now).
NTA but don’t force him to go along with the plans, if you do you are dismissing his concerns. Tell him you have reconsidered and will agree to reschedule the wedding however he will need to reimburse your parents for any expenses that are not refunded. Then send him the amounts via text so you have proof he agreed to pay if you need to take him to court.
NAH- the run up to the wedding in our society functions as a stress test for relationships, pushing the families and the couple to have to face the realities of working and doing things together. Sometimes, it’s synergistic, and new families fall in love with each other, and other times the process reveals incompatibilities that need to be respected for everyone’s happiness.
He’s telling you that he doesn’t want to marry you.
Now, he may say “not yet”. But honey, as a guy who’s been married twice, even when you’re wrong you still know that you want her, and you want to be married.
He is, in the popular parlance , fumbling the bag here, and there’s no long term plan to get the contents back in the bag.
If it was my daughter in this situation, I’d tell her to try to get as much money from him to cover your family’s losses as you can, and once that’s secured, break it off entirely. He’s got an interior journey he has to go through that will be more difficult with you there distracting him from the things he needs to address.
I’m so sorry, sometimes these things happen. It’s not the end of your life, just a story that you’ll tell your daughter when she’s old enough be curious about your exes.
COMMUNICATE!!! Is he just a “little bit” uncertain? Send him to talk with both sets of parents. Maybe they will warm up his cold feet. He needs to verbalize out loud exactly what he sees as being problematic currently, and exactly what he wants using his big boy words and explanations. (His vague excuses would not cut it with me in a situation this big and this serious.)
Couples counseling? Even through your church? But it would have to happen very soon (as in NOT accepting an appointment date that is like three months away.)
NTA. I would NOT push back the wedding date. **Either you both can see your future together, or you see a breakup. “Pushing out the date” solves nothing.**
He just wants to live with you.
Tell him you're not going to just shack up . If he's pulling out of the wedding then he needs to move out till he decides othwise.
Nta. He springs this on you THE DAY you move in together? Think about that. You left your old place believing that your future was settled. He waits and tells you when he knows it will be difficult for you to leave. He doesn’t even admit to making this decision: it comes straight from God as he prayed about it. If he’s so religious, how is he living with you in sin? I call bullshit. He’s a coward, backing away slowly instead of manning up and being honest with you. cancel the wedding and this guy. Do you want to spend your life with someone who uses God to get his way?Every issue will end with him saying God told him what to do, so you just shut up and obey. RUN! Run fast, run far.
Most definitely he's a straight up coward he should've said that at the beginning before he proposed that's some ignorant stuff.
Check OP's comments. It won't show up in their post history but two months ago they posted "AITAH for asking my fiancé to stop farting in my face?"
All of this. Leave now, if you can. He pulled some serious BS on OP.
OP's fiance's 'praying on it," is just weasel talk for he's got cold feet, but it only became real to him (for whatever reason) when they moved in together. He's doing a huge diservice by asking for putting the wedding off for anothert year. I'm also with you on the using God as an excuse for not getting married in Oct. is an attempt to have control over the wedding & OP because of how he feels. He doesn't really care how OP feels because he prayed on it to god, as his excuse. He's coming across as very untrustworthy.
He’s springing this on you now because moving in together is making the whole thing more real to him. He’s in shock and is desperately looking for a way to call a halt without looking like a complete AH. He likely had no idea that all that money is lost since you did all the planning. That in itself, by the way, is a really bad sign. Why hasn’t he been deeply involved in all of this? Regardless, I think you need to do what it takes to force him to be honest with you. Demand he go see a couple’s therapist with you and that the agenda be to ensure that the marriage get off to a healthy start. The first issue being his sudden change of heart.
This is the way…
PREACH!!!!!!!
chef's kiss
My ex did this to me as well. I wish I had stood up to him and called the wedding off. We ended up divorcing 13 months later. Trust your God on this, as devastating as it is, true to yourself. So sorry you’re going through this. NTA
This, all off it! It's so calculating.
This. 100% this. This is the kind of person that votes republican because they don't believe in abortion. Also, the same person that had someone drive their daughter/girlfriend to a state where abortion is legal.
🙄 Oh please.
Ugh I know right? One of "those" in every thread.
You need to move out immediately, and tell all the family members on both sides that he has chosen not to get married, because that's what's happening here. He has, as of today, what he wants, which is a bangmaid who contributes, but to whom he has no actual responsibility. Your father can get partial refunds on the deposits, and you can ask your former fiance to pay the difference. Depending on where you live, you may be able to sue him. 5 months is enough time for family members to rearrange their lives. HOWEVER, if the wedding stuff is Not refundable, and people come anyway, I suggest you have the biggest " Thank God I Didn't Marry Him " party you can, excluding his family. By then you'll likely be glad you're out of the relationship. DO NOT continue to live with him. You deserve better.
This, all of this, right here!!! To me it speaks volumes of this “man” that he sprung the wedding postponement conversation on OP the DAY THEY MOVED IN TOGETHER. Girl do not unpack a single thing, just take your stuff and go.
I’ve had exes like this - fear of commitment. Run, girl, run.
Check OP's comments. It won't show up in their post history but two months ago they posted "AITAH for asking my fiancé to stop farting in my face?"
Agree, he got his bang maid and that's all he wants. So sorry.
Also, announce it on Facebook making clear it was 100% on him, you're devastated, he told you on the first day you moved in together, it was very much a shock to you and make clear he agreed to refund your family for any wedding AND MOVING costs you and your family can't get back. That way he can't whine or twist things later to his friends or family. I would also ensure he puts it in writing either by text or letter to you as proof if you need it later.
Great idea to have the party anyway!
And turn the wedding registry into a housewarming registry for her new place
Love the housewarming registry idea She has to stop and trying to convince him to do something he has told her he does not want to do. Jump on getting those refunds while there's still time for the venues and caterers to fill that spot with someone who is getting married Stop being to be in somebody's life when they don't want you and put that energy and defining your own place
I concur with the party for things not refundable.
This
Unfortunately, it sounds like he just doesn’t want to marry you, but is too scared to admit it. I feel like what’s going to end up happening is you get married and a couple months in he’s going to reveal his true feelings and you’re going to be left feeling even worse. I advise you to try to get him to sit down and express how he really feels, because someone who really truly wants to get married would not push their wedding back. See what money you can get back for the wedding and leave while you can. I’m sure your dad will understand you not wanting to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you. I have a feeling you knew all this already and i’m really sorry you’re going through this, but you need to find someone who’s excited to marry you. edit: i’m seeing a lot of comments on her calling you the AH and to talk things out with him. I understand why people would think that’s the level headed thing to do, but at the end of the day he had months to come to you and talk this through and work through his own problems. He is a grown adult just as you are. He should have the ability to recognize his problem and work through it the way he sees fit, which to him is just to prolong his problem and string you along. Imagine how it will be after you two get married and he pulls something similar to this in the future, do you always want to be responsible for his inability to communicate his feelings and struggles? Do you want to be seen as the asshole for standing your ground? Pre-marriage nerves is one thing, but pushing back plans that have financial consequences on other people because you’re incapable of communicating how you feel is another. I’m glad things worked out for others in these comments, but is that a risk you’re willing to take? Obviously, you can’t force him to marry you, but I think your next steps are clear.
Yeah - you would think that someone would really face the reality of marriage before they actually ask someone. OP NTA, cut your losses. You have no reason to feel embarrassed when cancelling.
He will be financially wise after he pays for all the deposits and nonrefundable marriage costs of planned wedding. Thank the universe he spoke it out loud and saved you from a No Win marriage.
good point, it shouldn’t be on her parents if he’s the one who wants to back out. make sure you get some type of compensation from him or his family.
Gotta wonder if he can save in a year the cost of all those deposits. Cause that blows the financial reasoning out of the water.
Yeah, this is the first step down a long path that ends with a breakup. I understand the hurt, but be glad you learned it now.
The path hasn't to be long. Personnally, I would cancel the wedding and break up.
Can't say I disagree however hatsh this may seem. His "pretext" is irrational as getting married involves building a life together and "saving up" and all those other things you do while continuing to grow up. Thats sounds like he doesn't want to build a life together. It will be easiest to end things sooner than when the wedding is closer.
I am with you. I wouldn’t marry someone who doesn’t want to marry me but I also wouldn’t postpone. Presumably, there were many steps, and many slowdown/turnaround points, between courtship and engagement and between engagement and wedding is mostly planned. Unless you pushed this wedding, his request to postpone seems like the coward’s way of saying, “you are not the one”. I would move out as a starter and consider a full break up. Life it too short to spend it w someone who at best sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and at worst knows it isn’t you but doesn’t have the guts to say it. OP deserves better.
Agree. He's saying he prayed about it and feels it's right. So he's saying even God doesn't think they should get married right now. He's feeling convicted not to marry her not even owning his own feelings.
Agreed and I say that as a person of faith who believes in the power of prayer. Presumably as a man of God he prayed about it before he proposed???? I have witnessed great acts of faith over the years but I have also watched as some people have claimed, “I prayed about and have peace so I know it is the right decision” and used that to justify a whole lotta shite. Really? Where in the Bible does it say you should lie, cheat, and treat your spouse/family/friends like complete and total crap with impunity? I am not saying OPs fiancé is necessarily doing anything truly awful. I am just saying that claiming something is from God does not automatically make it so. And he is a dink for waiting til she moves in to significantly move the goalposts.
I completely respect the religious aspect 100%. Your comment was a better explanation of my point. I guess her boxes/stuff finally brought it home to him that it was real and not what he wants. I feel sorry for her but think she should move on. Yes, people won't be happy about the loss of money but most will understand. The people that bought plane tickets can probably get them changed to go somewhere they really want to go for the price of what would've been shower/wedding gifts. I'm sure her Dad would rather lose some money than have his daughter go through a divorce. Fiancé should man up and pay her Father back for the deposits.
And the fact he waited till the day after they moved in together to say anything is a huge red flag
Yeah, that’s crazy
NTA. This^!!! Turn this non refundable party into a “saved yourself the drama of divorce party/family reunion”
But don't invite him or his friends/family
I pray he get the balls to tell you the truth. You can consider counseling. The reality is he doesn't want to get married. Getting closer with out canceling is only delaying the inevitable. The pray is a BS excuse. The closed it gets to the wedding the worse it will feel.
Ask him to stop talking to his imaginary friend about it and maybe go to couples therapy together.
But his imaginary friend always agrees with him
His imaginary friend probably told him to get a prenup
Why would you want to marry someone that would do this to you! How do you know he just won’t show up on your wedding day! Unbelievable! How could you possibly trust him? Trust is the basis of your relationship, without that there is no relationship!
Yeah. He "prayed about it" and decided that the plans you made and YOUR FATHER losing money is a sacrifice he is willing to make. He's a jerk and you should cancel the wedding. Notice he waiting until you were living together to so this? He thinks he has you locked down already. yeah. fuck him with a cactus.
And while you are doing that cactus thing get him to pay your dad back for the wasted money…
yeah. The useless pos literally has invested NOTHING into the wedding so what does he care? No skin in the game at all. AND he will NEVER be in that game.
Dad can likely sue him for the funds.
What is he -Oral Roberts? I find it highly suspicious, just say it- he doesn’t want to marry you. I’m so sorry.
"Religious" men out there having "pre-marital sex", knocking women up, lying and making promises they have no intention of keeping, living with women out of wedlock (just a few posts combined) sure know how to use their "religion" it to their advantage and shelve it when it's inconvenient. I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. [Susan B. Anthony](https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/susan-b-anthony-quotes)
Cactus 🌵 🤣🤣🤣
he wants an out. give it to him. he refunds everyone in the family the cost of pushing it back, or its off. dont sleep withthose cold feet.
NTA. I would tell him he needs to pay your dad back for the deposits he’s already made and I would move out so he can figure out what he wants. It’s unfair to you and your father for him to decide he’s not ready after the money was spent and you’ve moved in with him. I wouldn’t even choose a new wedding date until he’s worked his stuff out and the real reason he doesn’t feel ready.
I’m very sorry, but you are not getting married in October unless you find another guy. He is trying to ease his way out. You might as well let everyone know now so they can change their plans and get any partial refunds they may be entitled to.
Yes, losing some deposits might add up, but going through with a reluctant partner means you shell out a lot more for a wedding, reception and all of the other events, guest spend a lot too, and then the inevitable divorce costs even more. He doesn't want to marry you, cancel the wedding, and don't be surprised when he has another fiance in no time.
look, your fiancé is praying to postpone the wedding, I think this relationship is over. There's not much point in all this stuff your fiancé is saying, once you've set the date, booked the places. Of course, it's better to find out now that he doesn't want to marry.
Do you have somewhere that you can move to? IF so pack your things and leave. Take any money in joint accounts to give your father for the deposits he's paid. If there is an engagement ring give it to your father to sell to cover the remaining expenses. This man doesn't want to marry you--- he wants a RWB "room mate with benefits". You can and should do better for yourself you deserve a man who actually WANTS to marry you.
Make sure the laws where your at doesnt say engagement rings dont belong to the person who proposed first.
NTA, and hopefully, your stuff is still in boxes, so moving out will be easier. He, IMO, is making excuses. Tell him that HE owes your dad money and that you and him are done and walk away. There is more to his story than what he is telling you.
Yup. Give him an itemized list of what he owes and a date on which to pay. You're lucky you found out before you were legally tied to him and maybe had children.
Tell him you have “prayed on it” yourself and you are not comfortable living in sin if you won’t be getting married. You moved in with him to start a life together, not just to split expenses so he could save money. He needs to find another place to live.
OP did he even want to move in together or did he drag his feet with that too? You are correct - all those things he wants to do as far as "save up" are things you can do as a married couple. While I do not know if it is still early enough, you should probably cancel everything and hope you will get at least some deposits back. If you're lucky, maybe there are people on the waiting lists and you won't lose too much. Yes it's sad that your out of state family already booked flights, but hopefully they purchased the trip insurance. Also one of you should move out.
And ALSO: Don't worry about crushing your families. They are not marrying each other or you.
Move out. Move out. Move out. I would break up, or at least end the engagement. Yes, it's expensive and yest it's trouble but divorce is worse and worse of all is what looks to me like him stringing you along because he's getting the milk for free. If he really is talking to God about this God's gonna tell him y'all need to live separately. Do go ahead and call the vendors, etc because you'd be a fool to go ahead with the planning under these circumstances. I'm sorry. But as someone who broke her own engagement years ago and went on to marry someone else, life doesn't end and you might find a BETTER man to marry.
NTA So he decided he isn’t ready to marry you the day after you moved in together? If this is real and not just some conservative fan fiction, the solution is you break up and move out. He is playing games with you and the only way to respond is to refuse to play.
If God told him not to get married, he’s probably not going to change his mind. But, when everything is cancelled, blame the Lord.
It's funny. I thought "god" didn't like people living in sin. You'd think "god" would want them married before moving in together
Nta, but he's waving a big red flag in your face, this marriage isn't going to happen in this decade....can you live with never knowing if he's going to be ready....ever?
... he couldn't discuss it *before* you moved in together? While he was doing all that praaaaaayin?
NTA. Call off the wedding entirely. There's not a single thing he mentioned that can't be done as a married couple. It's not like you're jumping straight into kids right after. Call off the wedding, tell everyone it's his fault, and that he told you he didn't want to get married yet, and that based on the way he specifically said it, you knew he meant ever. Then tell him he has to pay back every cent that was put down as a deposit toward the wedding that he didn't pay because he decided to wait until the wedding was nearly upon you to voice his concerns. The dude doesn't want to marry you. He just wants you to be the bad guy. Edit to add: better now, 5 months out, instead of leaving you at the altar or dumping you a few months after the wedding.
"He said he's been praying about it". NTA, but he doesn't want to marry you.
Yup. Praying is literally talking to yourself.
NTA You can't force him to want to get married. And you shouldn't stay living with him in this s situation either.
Say I understand but if we do you have to reimburse my parents and all My family who will Loose money on airfare and if prepaid hotels .
Just cancel everything. He doesn’t want to get married.
NTA Babe, he doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't want to marry you badly enough that he wants to CANCEL EVERYTHING already planned. Tell him how much the cancelation fees are, insist he pays them now, and then ask yourself why he waited until he'd moved in to reveal all this 🙄😒
Insist he pays for the lost deposits.
NTA. He tells you this AFTER he gets you to move in with him. Granny here, my advice is to tell him you will be moving out immediately and not contributing anything to the cost of the apartment. You do not need to be cooking, cleaning, or having sex with someone who doesn't want to marry you as planned. Don't cancel the reception, instead have a big party to celebrate your independence. It will be much less expensive than a divorce.
Have him tell everyone, pay back your dad for deposits and THEN if he feels he wants to push the date back, let him. Have him do the heavy lifting.
This is not a case of cold feet. This is a case that he no longer wants to marry you, yet is afraid to lose you as well. He wants a place holder. Believe me when I say WHEN you break up with him he will be married and pregnant in less than a year. Find your trie person because he is not the one.
The fact that you moved in together yesterday probably means that he got what he wanted and marriage isn't that thing. You might consider becoming less accessible to him (viz. move back out, re-evealuate the relationship) otherwise you'll probably coast along as a couple for many more years. NTA.
He’s saying he doesn’t want to marry you but is too scared to say it. Sorry.
NTA. He waits until you move in together to tell you to postpone the wedding shows exactly what he's about. He wants a live in partner in his bed and contributing to his lifestyle without making legal commitments. Then he has the audacity to blame it on God. If he had actually heard from God he wouldn't have moved in with you at all. Tell him he has to reimburse everyone for non refundable deposits and you for your moving expenses and after he does, leave him. If he refuses to refund anything, just leave. You can always use the venue for a party to celebrate dumping this lying loser.
He doesn’t want to marry you. Not now, not in October. Cut your losses. Move out. Give back the ring. Salvage what money you can. Move on. Be at peace. Trying to force a marriage will end in disaster. NTA
IMHO, Don't give back the ring until all the non refundable deposits are paid back and family notified by him.
**Give back the ring.** No. Sell the ring and use the money to pay off the debt incurred by the ex cancelling the wedding. If there's anything left send him a Starbuck's gift card.
Probably not good advice. In many jurisdictions the engagement ring is a conditional gift and has to be returned if the couple breaks up. What OP doesn't need is a theft charge for selling something that legaly doesn't belong to her
Unfortunately that is illegal in a lot of places unless he agrees…
“Pray about it” Unfortunately, that’s all you need to know. He ain’t doing it, and if he does, this ain’t for you. A hard pill to swallow, but a bullet dodged.
NTA call off the wedding and move out.
"praying" - blaming an imaginary figure telling him to wait - sure. He's trying to put the blame for changing his mind somewhere else but on himself. Next, it might be his mother, his 4th grade teach or you. Sit him down and ask him what is really going on. If it goes south, tell him he has to reimburse your father for everything he spent.
That ring will offset summa those deposits. Do not t fking give it back. Let him pay it off like ur dad had to eat retirement savings. Gd that boy is a butt.
Your fiance prayed to God about getting married and came to the conclusion you should cancel the wedding and live in sin with you instead lol. He's using his prayer as a weird out and you should give it to him. Send out a mass text to everyone and let them know exactly what he said. If he's a man of God and truly genuinely believes this is correct he will be happy to tell his family about his religious discovery. If he freaks out, it's because it was never about God
Dump Anyone who says “I’ve been praying about it.”
NTA - I would contact all the vendors and see who is willing to give back deposits. I don't think it is a good idea to marry him. "He prayed on it" seriously WTF! Something else is going on. I could not stay in this relationship. Especially if he was fully disregarding the amount of money already put into it, work and arrangements. By leaving him you will save yourself a lifetime of indecisive behavior. It's obvious the only person he cares about is himself. He is just making exuses for not being ready in general. Or potentially wanting to back out completely. Or potentially, there is someone else. For my Petty Peeps Shout of to CharlotteDobreYouTube. Whatever you can't cancel or get your money back for. Use for a family reunion. Disinvited his entire family. Include he just wasn't ready and chose to waste all your fathers money due to his indecisive behavior include his phone number if they have questions. (This way you arent getting calls from them, if they do call or reach out on socials block them it is his family his problem.) Use the photographer to do a photoshoot of destroying your wedding dress.
It's easy to say god told you to do something when you have nothing to lose and no skin or effort on the game. What a loser. You are lucky to be told unequivocally who he is. Move on,it may not look like it but it'll be all better from here.
Call it off permanently.
YTA For this: "I’ve said no." What the hell? Are you going to have your father get him there at gunpoint? There is no "crossroads." He does not want to marry you. Face facts and cancel the wedding. If you somehow twist his arm and get him to go through with it, you can go ahead and plan the divorce.
Brutal but true.
You are not getting married. Be prepared for a breakup.
Yikes, dude sucks, doesn't want to marry you and is scared to admit it. Praying on it? Prayer isn't real, so whatever he "thought of" while talking to himself are just his real thoughts, he's telling himself not to marry you. This is an expensive lesson to learn, but learn it now rather than 3 years from now while divorcing this guy because he keeps bringing up that you forced him into the marriage before he was ready.
Hun you seem to be missing the point - this isn’t about money or travel plans or embarrassment. You are standing there insisting on marrying someone who just told you he didn’t want to marry you. You don’t see the problem in that? Yeah he might change his mind in December and feel like he wants to reschedule for 2025, but it’s actually far more likely that once the wedding is canceled, he’ll be relieved and then finalize a breakup. It’s not a matter of “well we are getting married anyways so might as well do it now”. It’s more like “he is so against marrying me that even knowing the loss of money and our having to tell everyone we know and likely creating a permanent bad reputation with my family, he STILL wants to call it off”. Stop focusing on the party and recognize that the marriage itself is in trouble. ESH
NTA. He's scared amd delusional. Prayer is a massive red flag.
Here’s a prayer for you, if you’re so inclined: “Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here.”
If he's so concerned about finances and stability, then why did he wait until you moved in? He's had a lot of time to talk about this. The timing is suspicious. And if he's so set on " God's " wishes for his life, why is it okay to live together without being married? Isn't that a big no for most religions? I mean, that's an odd part to ignore, if it's God's will you wait get married. What does your gut say?
He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t want to live with you. Bet the only thing he wants to continue with is sex with you. 1) Cancel the wedding. 2) Move out. 3) Present him with the bills from the non-refundable deposits. 4) File in Small Claims Court for anything he doesn’t pay. Depending on jurisdictions, the range is $7,400-$12,500). Yes, it’s emotionally devastating but he has shown you who he is. BELIEVE HIM & LEAVE.
If you were renting before, call your landlord and get your old place back if possible. This is a cop out on his part~better to rip the bandaid off now and get it over with.
YTA. If someone says they want to push back the wedding, YTA for not cancelling the whole thing immediately. If someone says they are not ready to marry you, believe them. Cancel the wedding. One of you needs to move out. It is up to you if you want to continue dating, but do NOT depend on a future with this man at this time.
I couldn’t respect a man who prays about this issue, while living with someone he’s not married to. If you do put off the wedding date, you should move out as you moved in with him under false pretenses.
Tell him how much he owes your dad in order for you to be okay with him no longer wanting to get married. Don’t accept his objection to how that is phrased. Then take deep breaths, rent a hotel room for a few days to figure out next steps without his influence. This man has no intention of getting married but he very much intends to expect you to be the wife. You need to decide if you are okay with that. If not, start planning your exit. Don’t telegraph any of this to him. Be pleasant and not interested in the situation and simply do what you need to do to get out of it.
He wants you to believe hanging in there is your best move. Don’t. Take back your power in this situation.
He moved in with you and wants to pray about it. This guy's a clown. Dump him.
Well, as long as he prayed about it. Bullshit. He just has cold feet. Move on. Sorry. NTA
Tell him you’re sure he considered his decision carefully, and understands the financial consequences. Given his careful consideration of the situation, you will comply with his wishes. And then tell him he’s on the hook for all the non-refundable costs. That’ll impact his savings very nicely. Have a camera ready for his shocked Pikachu face. Send him the bills.
NTA. My husband pushed our wedding further out at the last minute (like a week before the wedding was supposed to happen). We did still end up getting married, but I regret it now. It was a massive red flag that my dumb, love struck self decided to overlook. Wanting more time just for the sake of having more time, when plans have been made, money spent, and the date sent out, is incredibly selfish. He, like my husband did, is showing you that your priorities are not his. He’s not putting you first, and that’s unlikely to change.
NTA - The deposits have been paid. Tell him if he is prepared to reimburse your father and anyone else who will be out of pocket for his sudden change of heart, then you'll consider it. But he would have to write the checks and do it immediately. If he's not willing to reimburse everyone, then he needs to decide if he really wants to get married. It's either October 2024 or not at all. My guess is that he got cold feet during the move-in together and just needs a metaphorical slap to get out of it.
This OP!!!!
This man is deeply selfish.
ESH, he's praying for the wedding to be delayed. Is he asking Jesus for a tornado? He's getting cold feet, and if you don't work this out, you may be standing at the altar alone. I think that you kinda need to cancel or postpone.
Hey don't blame Jesus-- for all we know he's praying to the Holy Flaming Goat of Destiny.
YTA (answering the question not the situation). By not agreeing you are pushing into a forced marriage, how long do you think it will last before he throws it to your face? 1st argument, 2nd ? Accept if he pays back the current costs. Then move out again. Maybe after he sees what he is missing he might forget about his cold feet. Some people need a reality check to get over the stress of a new situation. If he does not change his mind after those steps it’s clear that he was just misleading you into a marriage he did not want.
Honestly OP, not enough info, nobody's the asshole yet. This is an opportunity to put communication skills to the test. Take a deeper cut, work on the specifics as to why he feels he doesn't have stability, how much money he needs to feel financially stable, etc. Get specific. Don't do this confrontationally, or expect an immediate answer when you ask the questions, but get the gears turning. Pre-wedding jitters can show itself in different ways. You need to work together to determine whether he's scared about money, or he's having second thoughts about committing to you, or if he's just plain overwhelmed. If you can't find clarity on what he needs to be ready to move forward, go to couples counseling. I was in a similar boat with my wife. I was totally overwhelmed and had no idea what I was doing or what I was supposed to be doing. Between counseling and hard introspection, I was able to get over the hurdle. The month before the wedding I was a nervous wreck, and she was scared that I wanted to bail. Truth is, I didn't want to *get* married, I wanted to *be* married. The day before the wedding, we let go of the controls and left the culmination of two years of hard work and preparation to fate. That night I slept like a baby, and mostly every night since. P.S, our wedding was amazing. We cut a lot of things out that you would expect from a traditional wedding, and wound up landing at under $25k. Despite this, our families still rave at how much fun they had. It went *fast*! Biggest piece of advice I can offer you is don't panic. Like every other thing you have to deal with, one step at a time, take it slow, and do everything you can to keep stress levels to an absolute minimum. There's a lot of reasons he may be behaving this way, and only a couple have the potential to be a serious problem for you.
The only sane take here. I'm convinced reddit is full of incels who will respond to every relationship issue with divorce & doom
I’m sorry. You can try a honest discussion but I think you need to think seriously about leaving. This is him saying maybe you should wait getting married because he doesn’t really believe YOU ARE THE ONE. Don’t be anyone’s placeholder.
Time for a big, long talk. Tell him that if he just doesn't want to get married, letting you know sooner than later is good. I had a friend whose daughter and fiancé knew it wasn't going to work, but didn't have the nerve to call off the wedding until like 2 weeks in advance. When talking to them for the next month it reminded me of speaking to someone who lost a loved one. They were literally mourning the wedding. It may be that he is realizing this won't work for him, it may be cold feet, it may be that he is in the middle of a huge change (moving in together is a big deal) and feeling a lot of pressure. Especially if you bought this house. When I bought my first house at 28, I was so freaked out I had psychosomatic muscle problems. The day after we closed they disappeared.
NTA but trying to push someone to marry is never going to work in the long term. Best to move on really.
I fear that if you get married, any time there is any issues in your relationship, he’s going to blame you for “rushing him into it”.
NTA, but please believe him the first time and take a step (or 5) back. Figure out in your mind who’s moving out when (probably not if) it comes to that.
NTA. It sounds more like hes gotten cold feet and doesn't want you marry you yet. i don't know how long you've been together, but generally i think 3-4 years before getting married is a good time. That said. don't set an ultimatum for him to marry you. Just tell him if he wants to push it back then he will be the one telling his and your relatives that he wants to push it back and he needs to be the one to call all the hired vendors and the venue (if its booked already) Hoonestly. if i were you. i'd be putting the whole marriage thing to a stop because he doesn't seem to be ready at all.
He no longer wants to get married, or maybe he never did but went along with it. Instead of postponing the wedding, you should be calling it off. Come to the agreement where he pays for all the cost of canceling the wedding, so at least you are not out any money. Whether you want to stay in this relationship and figure out the truth of what he feels about you is up to you. NTA.
People losing money or "feeling crushed" is a stupid, horseshit reason to push through marrying someone who clearly doesn't want to get married. It's just as stupid as him saying God is telling him to push it forward until some nebulous undefined goal is met. You can earn more money and divorce is going to be way more expensive than losing deposits. Those other "crushed" people don't have to live in a potential dumpster fire of a marriage filled with the resentment of someone who doesn't want to be married. But I wouldn't "push back" the date. I would just cancel outright. Period. Move out. Your choice to break up or go back to just dating, not engaged. He can't even take responsibility for his own decisions and he can't even give you defined reasons or benchmarks to know when these ill-defined nebulous goals can be met nor has he told you how he will meet them. What does "stable" look like? Mentally or emotionally stable? Physically stable? Financially stable? Stable at work? Does it mean he owns a house? Or gets a promotion at work? Has his student loans paid off? Stops thinking about what it might be like to fuck other people? And how much money is enough money saved? $1,000? $10,000? $100,000? Maxing out his yearly IRA contributions? And what happens if one year later he still doesn't feel "stable enough" or that he has "saved enough"??? Move the date again? He's not ready to marry. Period. But yes, you are right in that there is no reason why you couldn't work on financial goals together which is what should be your first clue that his reasons are bullshit and not anything more concrete than "I don't want to be married." Plain and simple. He's using those other things to try to legitimize it because he can't just admit it otherwise. He's using it to bide his time hoping that if he just waits longer, then he will magically want it. If he can't give you specifics - specific goals and a specific plan to meet them, then it's time to either cut losses or if you're unwilling to do that just cancel the wedding and demand pre-marital couples counseling.
So not a wedding but do the party anyway. Don’t just lose all that money. Better he tells you now than when you’re married maybe with kids. Divorce is also expensive. Dick move of him to wait until you’re living together though.
ESH. He told you he doesn’t want to do it and you told him too bad. He will either leave you or really regret marrying you.
It’s pretty obvious dude doesn’t want to marry you. If he has to pray on it; my thinking is, “pray into one hand and shit into the other, and see which one fills up first.” Take the L. Move on. YTA for not seeing reality punching you in the mouth.
I think you’re too fixated on the timing of the wedding and missing that he’s signaling to you his lack of confidence in your marriage together which isn’t something you fix by focusing on a loss of money for a wedding and how much effort you put into planning it… Kinda NTA but also missing the point that is more important imo which will bite you in the end Try asking him why exactly he feels those things he wants to work on are suddenly more important than before or to quantify what is the point he’ll feel more stable, why that quantitative value will make him feel more stable and what is his exact plan to achieve that in the next 15 months that will make him comfortable marrying you one year later. If he’s legit not second guessing the marriage and has some rational basis you’ll find out. If it’s what we suspect it’ll unravel real quick.
I don't think he wants to get married at all and is under the incorrect assumption that going to a breakup in increments is better or easier for you.
NTA tell him to move back out till he’s ready to get married
NTA He’ll keep pushing it back. Best to rip off the bandaid now.
I had a friend who was dating her ex for 7 years and as she neared 30, she gave him an ultimatum. Isn't 7 years long enough to know? Anyway, at the huge Italian wedding, he hesitates before saying his vows. Like uncomfortably long before he spits them out. Then everyone sighs and giggles and the wedding carries on. She gets pregnant on the honeymoon (planned), and when they come back, he won't fully move into the house they have owned together for some time. She thinks he's at his mom's. Turns out he was at the GF and they didn't really have a marriage. He's with the GF while she gives birth and is a single mom from then on. He didn't even want to coparent. He was a great boyfriend, but not husband material. My point is, listen to what he is telling you. Maybe go to a counselor so he can learn how to express how he's feeling. You do not want to marry a reluctant groom. It won't end well.
NTA. This is called a “bait & switch.” Break up, get whatever money back you can, and get away from this coward. He doesn’t want to marry you and he’s too much of a pussy to come clean and have an honest conversation with you.
NTA - I suspect it’s not god that’s making him want to push it back.
Yeah and when you get to the next date he'll push it back again. Time to let this one go, he has no intentions of marrying you.
I prayed about this post and God told me you should prepare for a breakup if you don’t want to be his doormat. Get to work now on getting any of your money back. Everyone deserves to be with a partner who actually shares their goals.
Wow.if he was feeling this way why wait until it was all booked?
NTA. If he doesn't want to marry you, he should admit that now. If he wants to marry you, he should sitck to the plan.
>He wants to build more savings, feel stable etc. While these are fair points These are *not* fair points. It would be a fair point to delay having children but not for simply getting married. There is something else going in within himself. You need to get down to the nitty-gritty of his hesitancy. Additionally, I would be the onus on him to inform your families, etc. if he follows through with the delay/cancelation.
If he truly wants to marry you, a license costs $30-$50. Surely that won’t deter his savings plans. Call his bluff.
"Family and Friends. I regret to inform you that my wedding in October has been canceled. I am unable to help you with refunds at this time. God spoke to my ex-boyfriend on the day we moved in together and told him that he shouldn't marry me at this time, but I could stay there and provide sex, cleaning, and contribute financially to help him meet his personal goals. God did not provide another place for me to live, should I decline providing sex, cleaning, and financial support to help him meet his personal goals, while I was busy canceling our wedding, so I'm on my own right now with finding another place to live. Thank you all for trying to be there for me." I get cold feet before a wedding, being unsure about future plans, and just feeling uncertain - but you've got to communicate that, and not trap someone in a situation and leave them there. Having you move in and then telling you was not okay.
The minute he said "I prayed about it", I would be out. That's a cop out and blaming "God" for you being a chicken shit. Get your deposits back. Send the fool back to his church and dump him. Go on a nice *solo* trip without him. Maybe ask his pastor very bluntly with him present if he's cheating.
Tell him he can refund all your dads money spent on deposits and you won’t push back but instead cancel it. Obviously he is not ready for marriage or a serious relationship.
He's told you what you need to know. Please listen. Cancel the wedding, inform everyone, move out, and start the healing process. He doesn't want to get married and isn't willing to be honest with you about it.
NTA but you really shouldn't be marrying this AH. I sense a good deal of manipulation in his actions. Pack up anything you've unpacked and go home. Cancel everything but first cance the engagement.
NAH- sit him down, show him the financials, list all of the money you will lose, and make him write out a check for that as you pack to move.
This man does not want to marry you. Believe him when he says that he wants to push things out. He has no intention of marrying you. You need to tell your families about this AH and cancel everything. He’s so full of crap saying that this came from God. He’s trying to gaslight you. Believe who people are the first time that they show you. He’s a user and could have seriously wasted your dad’s money and the other ppl that paid for flights already. What an SOB. GTFO of the living place that you are in with him. Prioritize your needs right now. He doesn’t love you. Take care of you and surround yourself with ppl that actually care about you.
Would love to hear the update on this one. Hopefully she gets rid of the AH.
Sorry he did this to you 🙁So very wrong
When people push off decisions on relationships, it's because they aren't ready to admit the situation isn't a good fit for them. Don't unpack. Time to cancel the wedding plans. Better to find out now than after the wedding. Your true person is out there, keep looking.
NTA first thing you need to do is tell him you agree to push the wedding back as long as he pays everyone back what they would lose because of it (your father the deposits, anyone who will lose the cost of flights etc). Once he agrees and actually pays people the money look for somewhere else to live and once that is secured dump him and find someone worthy of you who won’t mess you around
He doesn’t want to marry you. Some people have troubles with commitment.
NTA but… you can’t marry him… I’m sorry 😔 I don’t know what’s got into him but his reasons/excuses aren’t valid I hope that you are in a position to be able to move back out immediately. Tell him, yes you get it, but, he will HAVE to pay for anything where others will lose money. Tell him it will help him with his budgeting. (I’m being facetious) Maybe you can help him sell some belongings to compensate those that he’s let down & assumed that they ‘won’t mind’ losing their money over his abominably timed decision. He owes them. He can’t just ‘put this back’ & except everyone to just fall in line, it’s disrespectful. He needs to own it Hopefully someone truly worthy of you will be around the corner & you can be relieved you got away from this fool
I wouldn't want to marry someone who wasn't 100% enthusiastic. I also wouldn't want to marry someone who blamed God for their own decisions instead of being accountable. Is all his selfish and inconsiderate decisions in your marriage going to be Gods fault too. I would tell him that if he pays your dad back out of his personal funds. When that's done say actually it's not postponed it's cancelled and I'm no longer interested in a coward and move out.
NTA - Tell him if he wants to cancel everything he needs to pay for everything your dad has spent. Period.
NTA BIG RED FLAG!! he should have told you this BEFORE you moved in together!!! He is dirty underhanded & manipulative. PFFT - he’s blaming god for his bs. He had plenty of time to talk to you. The fact that he waited until you both moved in together is a huge red flag. (You can’t easily back out) He gets all the benefits of the milk for free without having to buy the cow, another year to make even more excuses. If you do decide to stay with this guy & wait. Find your own place - make him pay for your moving expenses and make him eat the costs of moving the date.
NTA but move out. Talk to the landlord and your wedding venues and salvage what you can. But run from this loser. Hugs
Baby girl! Whew, this is a hard one! This is far from fair on your behalf! He knew the wedding date. He could've said something before everything was said and done. You've already spent money! He's talking about wanting to wait to build but yet, is he thinking about the fact that he'll be setting y'all back because of this? He's trying to back-peddle now that he has you in his house! Trying to have you settle with that. Your suggestion of building together as a married couple is the best compromise! YOU'RE NTA
He could've told you this before the deposits and all the planning. He waited until you moved in together thinking he could have a "wife" without having to marry you. He probably doesn't really want to marry you. He led you on until you moved in.
NTA but there is a 90% chance that this relationship is finished. If you still love him after his betrayal, I would suggest: - move out - gather a list of all the cost generated by the cancellation and ask him to pay - cancel everything - think seriously if you are ready to fight for this relationship. If you think it’s not worth it, then this is over. If you want to fight, propose counseling to him. It can be marriage preparation at his church if he is so inspired by God - consider counseling for you alone. He is not reliable. He knew he wanted to postpone but didn’t tell you until the moment who had moved him. Even if you decide to move forward and end up organize the wedding once again, there is a very high chance he won’t show up I am so sorry for you. Something similar happened to a friend of mine but they were already married. They were supposed to move far away. He was supposed to prepare everything for her arrival with the kids. They sold their house. The day they were supposed to move, he told her it was over. She was left with a truck full of stuff, no house and 3 children she had to explain the situation to. I hope you will find happiness.
I prayed on it and turns out your boyfriends an arsehole
He has told you plainly that he does not want to marry you at the agreed time and place. He is entirely within his rights to do so. In light of his new reticence, you would be wise to take a big step back while he contemplates whether he wants to marry you, and when. As things currently stand, he has most of the advantages of being married to you (your contributions to his life as his housemate, lover, domestic partner, etc.) while having none of the obligations as a husband. Do not continue to live with this man. Move back in with your family if you need to, or couch surf with friends while you find your own place. But get out of the almost-wife trap. Explain the situation to your father, including the nonrefundable deposits. If your father is like mine, he will eat the loss of the deposits ONCE for the sake of your happiness. Perhaps your boyfriend will reimburse your father for his losses; if so, that's a point in his favor, if not, a point against. There's zero chance that my father would be willing to pay the same deposits twice, so be ready to pay your own wedding expenses going forward, if the wedding ever does go forward.
This was 100% a calculated move on his part. Dump his sorry ass. You and your Dad may lose some money but it will be worth it in the long run
I agree with the other people on here the best thing to do is just call it quits find your own place and leave this guy in the dust because he is never going to pull the trigger, he will keep kicking the can down the road and one day you will wake up and realize you wasted your life with a wishy washy guy who is afraid to commit, if your dad can get some of his money back do so and move on because this guy is just wasting your time.
I'm more than a bit triggered by this post, I feel for you but it's over. Move on. You say you've booked this and planned that. Did he help in anyway? Did he join in? As others have said h doesn't want to marry you, he's a coward and you deserve better. Your family and guests will be supportive, brace yourself and tell them that he has cancelled the wedding. Many will want to know why, tell them what you are comfortable saying. Move out, or kick him out Get monies back where you can, hopefully you took out insurance, I didn't. Don't waste any more of your life on this man.
Your fiancé doesn’t want to get married to you. That’s a bullshit excuse. Get refunds on what you can, give him a bill for at least half of what you don’t get back to give to your dad. Better to call off the wedding than to get divorced two months later.
YTA for not pushing back or canceling the wedding. You are 5 months away- that’s time enough to cancel the plans, cancel travel arrangements and get at least partial refunds of the deposits. You should not push to marry a man that is telling you very clearly he is not ready. Forcing the issue isn’t going to make his concerns go away and won’t lead you to a happy marriage. If the man doesn’t want to marry in October you can’t and shouldn’t try to force him to. You would be justified in telling him you will cancel but he needs to pay your dad back for the money already spent if you stay together. You could also decide you don’t want to live together right now since he is so unsure. The question here is- What’s more important - the wedding or a happy marriage?
NTA, but don't reschedule. Cancellation now is cheaper than divorcing a man that does not want to get married. He's breaking up with you the slow, painful way.
Also, make him refund your dad.
It's just cold feet, get over it reddit
NTA for feeling the way you feel, especially after all the money your father has invested into this wedding, unfortunately you won't do yourself any favours by getting married to a guy who doesn't feel ready. He's an AH for dropping this on you the day you moved together, he chose to wait maybe thinking you it would be harder to object to his decision while living with him? it seems like a coward move on his part.
NTA I guess it’s better He say it now on the day before the wedding. On the day he moves in with you. He tells you he wants to delay the wedding. I’m assuming that the reason that you weren’t already living together was that you wanted to do so only when you were engaged to be married. It’s hard to tell if he just has cold feet or the relationship is doomed and he has no intention of ever marrying you. Nonrefundable deposits really suck. Maybe you could sell it to another bride and groom, or just have a big family reunion party.
A thought regarding those deposits. Make a listing of all the services, venue ECT ECT and the amount of the deposits, and pass that information on to your area wedding planners, bridal shops, FB marketplace ect. Someone might be glad to reimburse your dad for the deposits. So sorry this has happened, but you've dodged a bullet.
If he refuses to cover the unrecoverable cost he is imposing, that alone will convince you
Wait, so he's having you move in before the wedding and now he's suddenly interested in God's opinion? From the limited info given this guy doesn't sound too bright.
NTA. Move out and tell him the wedding is off. He either has cold feet and needs a shock to get him past it, or he is now happy that he has a live in GF and doesn’t see a need for a wedding. The fact that he sprung it on you the day you moved in is a huge red flag. He could have told you before you moved in. He was completely dishonest in this.
I can't like this comment enough. 100% agree that you finance Is The AH. He just got the milk for free when you moved in. Now, he doesn't want to commit to the whole cow. And what God is this telling him to move the date 12 months??! You are right, as a married couple you can work on finances better together and you both will be more secure.
He's "praying on it" meaning he is invoking GOD into the argument, and so you need to accept it or you're defying your creator's wishes? What kind of ridiculous human being is he? good lord.
don’t push it back. CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF. DO NOT MARRY HIM. However. keep the date. it will be the most beautifully decorated family reunion your family will ever have! don’t waste that money. and wear the hell out of that dress. yes. wear it. maybe not the whole time, but get some nice shots of it. keep the date. it will be a memorable family reunion, and please update.
NTA. If you push it back now it will become a constant thing and you will never get married. Here's the thing, marriage doesn't actually change anything in the relationship aside from making it harder to break up. The wedding is already covered so theres no real reason to delay it for savings.
Frankly, it doesn't matter how much you or your family have prepared for the Your fiance is unprepared to be married. Why are you arguing with someone to marry you when they don't want to? How can they be anything but resentful? You are putting the wedding above your marriage. I think he is wise to have some second thoughts
He knew this was coming up. He agreed to the dates. You will likely lose money moving the date. He needs to be a big boy and live up to his commitment or yall need to reconsider getting married. I would over communicate all of this with him.
NTA but I don't think he understands what he's saying. He *thinks* he's saying "I don't want to marry you in October, but I do want to marry you at some future point, and have you put in all of the work to arrange a wedding as well as have both of our families there." And what he is *actually* saying is "I don't want to marry you ever and it's fine if you leave me over this." Why? Because you'll resent him. You will resent him for the wasted money. You will resent him for the wasted time and effort planning. Your families will both resent him for the non-refundable travel expenses, and many will not come to a re-planned wedding. And why would they? What's he gonna do, just cancel again anyway? Why would *you* put in time and effort to plan another wedding with him when you can't count on him not to cancel on you. I don't think he understands that this may very well end the relationship. He shouldn't get married to you in October if he isn't ready to be married to you. But he needs to understand that backing out at this stage means that he very likely won't ever marry you.
NTA. Keep the date. He is stalling and it is better to bring things to a head sooner rather than later. If he actually walks away, you should know this now (not years from now).
Don't keep the date. Dump the date and the fiancé.
NTA but don’t force him to go along with the plans, if you do you are dismissing his concerns. Tell him you have reconsidered and will agree to reschedule the wedding however he will need to reimburse your parents for any expenses that are not refunded. Then send him the amounts via text so you have proof he agreed to pay if you need to take him to court.
NAH- the run up to the wedding in our society functions as a stress test for relationships, pushing the families and the couple to have to face the realities of working and doing things together. Sometimes, it’s synergistic, and new families fall in love with each other, and other times the process reveals incompatibilities that need to be respected for everyone’s happiness. He’s telling you that he doesn’t want to marry you. Now, he may say “not yet”. But honey, as a guy who’s been married twice, even when you’re wrong you still know that you want her, and you want to be married. He is, in the popular parlance , fumbling the bag here, and there’s no long term plan to get the contents back in the bag. If it was my daughter in this situation, I’d tell her to try to get as much money from him to cover your family’s losses as you can, and once that’s secured, break it off entirely. He’s got an interior journey he has to go through that will be more difficult with you there distracting him from the things he needs to address. I’m so sorry, sometimes these things happen. It’s not the end of your life, just a story that you’ll tell your daughter when she’s old enough be curious about your exes.
COMMUNICATE!!! Is he just a “little bit” uncertain? Send him to talk with both sets of parents. Maybe they will warm up his cold feet. He needs to verbalize out loud exactly what he sees as being problematic currently, and exactly what he wants using his big boy words and explanations. (His vague excuses would not cut it with me in a situation this big and this serious.) Couples counseling? Even through your church? But it would have to happen very soon (as in NOT accepting an appointment date that is like three months away.) NTA. I would NOT push back the wedding date. **Either you both can see your future together, or you see a breakup. “Pushing out the date” solves nothing.**
He just wants to live with you. Tell him you're not going to just shack up . If he's pulling out of the wedding then he needs to move out till he decides othwise.