NTA
Your family members are a little extreme.
It’s not like this money is proceeds from a crime. You won at gambling.
You are also not responsible for the decisions an addict makes. It sounds like the family members like to blame everyone else rather than holding him accountable for his own behavior.
One of my friends always says "im quitting drinking" even though hes been sober 10 years. In his mind, if he quits, then he could start uo again. The urge never goes away. The monkey gets smaller and quieter, but hes always there. So he always like to say that hes forver quitting, because to quite would mean the addiction is gone
There is a saying that goes "always recovering. Never recovered." I've been sober for 23 years but I know all it could take is one drink to fall off the bandwagon.
100% agree. Fiance's dad is looking for a reason to blame his relapse on. It's not op's fault. I know he hasn't relapsed yet, but already blaming op is a sign that he really, really wants to, and wants a reason to justify it. He is responsible for his actions, not op. The family blaming op is also problematic. They're just enabling him.
Oh damn, I've always heard "always quitting, never quits" and said it about myself whenever I struggle with staying sober-- but I'm gonna try and reframe this in my head this way. This feels better, tbh
Here's the reason why in AA meetings they introduce themselves as active addicts. It really is a "one day at a time" thing. You're not an addict in recovery. You're a recovering addict.
I agree.
If he says, "I started gambling again because I found out it was gambling money that paid for the wedding", then that's just him and his addiction using it as an excuse to get to gamble again and blame it on something else.
Also, i think it's not the fact that OP pays for the wedding that is triggering his addiction. It's the fact OP won big and the FIL thinks, if OP did it, i can do it too
Tbh, this is why I often point people towards watching BoJack Horseman if they can’t get that point from being told it. Sometimes it takes seeing a cartoon horse doing the thing to go “oh shit I’m being terrible and not being accountable like this dude” lmFAO! Or it took that for me anyway to really turn me around
Lmao your way of realizing it sounds so easy I'm jealous. I had to get sense slapped into me by a semi.
I'm glad you found your way though! Wish you all the best in your future❤️
I'm an alcoholic. If a brewery or distillery paid for my wedding, I'd be thankful, not pissed. I'm the one with a problem, not anyone else, and it's my responsibility to go to my meetings and read the literature.
I'm an alcoholic too, and I was trying to think of an analogy of this situation. It would be like me getting mad that people around me were able to drink responsibly and have fun because I can't do that. Like you said, I'm the one with the problem. I don't expect the world to change for me.
OP did something kind and generous. It's really no one else's business how he acquired the money.
Is this dude gonna relapse when he reads about lottery winnings in the paper too? Unless OP swooped in like "hey I'll pay for the wedding but ONLY if it's held at Caesar's Palace and my SIL's dad has to sit at the roulette table with a stack of chips," NTA. The SIL's dad needs to understand he's responsibile for his own actions.
Plus whoever spilled the beans probably did it to stir up some shit, they're TA.
Maybe if OP asks them if they still want the wedding paid for they will get over it faster. Maybe OP should say, 'you're all right, will everyone who's criticizing me please chip in to help cover the cost if I withdraw my offer?'
It's so easy to criticize when it costs nothing.
Came here to say this. *An addict is responsible for their own sobriety*. No one can make an addict use (or in this case, gamble.) You are under no obligation to share the source of your finances with your daughter. It's not like you knocked over a liquor store and are paying for the wedding with stolen money. You won it *legally*. It's yours. It's very kind that you offered to be generous. If she won't accept that, then let her pay for her own wedding. Either way, you should sleep soundly knowing you did nothing wrong. And your daughter needs to mind her own business and stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.
OK, so Op spent his income on the wedding and paid his bills with gambling money, then.
It's not their business how he finances his activities. They were fine with taking the money, and apparently thought he could afford it.
As far as I am concerned, if the money is legit ( gambling is not a crime in the West) then I would be ecstatic that someone has relieved me of a massive debt.
Exactly this. NTA. Part of recovery is being able to deal with the fact that you control your own actions and other people gambling should not derail your progress if you are actually making it. The family is reacting a little bit extreme and honestly, your daughter should be super grateful that you paid for her whole wedding, regardless of where that money came from.
I could kind of understand if OP has an addiction, and they don’t want to take money that came from an activity they feel is harming him. It’s unclear if that’s the case here.
I mean…*technically* depending on how much the wedding is, it could be looked at as OP is spending his salary on the wedding and using the gambling to pay regular bills. It’s all semantics.
NTA talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth!
NTA
There is only one truth about weddings: *someone* will always be pissed off about something and will treat it as a mortal injury.
Who is TA here? This one: "a relative who knew about my win spilled the beans at a family dinner" - that was intended to stir up drama. There's no way that wasn't a deliberate, malicious choice.
I absolutely believe what you posted. Sometimes people just need to STFU and mind their own business. I'm pretty sure they have enough going on in their own life that they don't need to be sticking their nose in somebody else's business
Agreed, NTA. That relative stirring the pot definitely added unnecessary drama. Your intention was to do something generous for your daughter's wedding, it's a shame that it turned into such a mess.
I’m going to disagree. It could have been a simple “so this is how you decided to spend the winnings. That was so nice of you.” They may not have known it was a big secret.
There is only one thing to take from this story - if you want to keep a secret a secret you can never tell anyone, that's the only way to keep a secret, take it to the grave with you. Take this bit of wisdom from a person that will have a very crowded grave.
so true - and i’m wondering what prompted the relative to spill the beans at a FAMILY function, where chaos was sure ensue.
was it a malicious act? drunken stupidity? combo?
well then, OP did a bad job at communicating that the funds were to be a secret. NTA but not smart.
i’m surprised, considering OP’s fairly valid reasons -in his words - to do so.
generous and kind - but a bad secret keeper. and OF COURSE OP shouldn’t be punished for that.
talk about biting the dang hand that has treats for you.
Advise them that if they wish to return the money, you are happy to accept it, and that they can pay in installments over however many years they like. Then watch them go quiet.
This is the right advice. There is no time machine, so all discussions should be about what to do now. This will make your family to make a choice.
The addict's triggers and feelings are nothing to do with the conversation.
NTA. Just revoke the offer. You can’t win with these people. They don’t know - you’re wrong for taking away their choice. They know - you’re responsible for fil potentially relapsing.
Oh geez. They are not entitled to this information, and his addiction is not your problem. I swear, someone's always going to find a reason to be mad about something.
NTA, if the dad starts gambling again, is not because of you. It's because he is not fully capable of controlling himself.
The family member who told everyone is TA, like why? To cause drama?!
I also think the family is a bit extreme. (Sorry for my English).
OP’s daughter & her fiancé: “That’s dirty filthy gambling money & it shames us to use such disgusting ill-gotten funds to pay for our wedding!”
OP: “Okay I’ll take it back. You can pay for your own wedding”.
OP’s daughter & her fiancé: “Wait! What?” 🤯
NTA OP. It’s money you won legally. If gambling upsets them so much then let them put their money where their mouths are & pay for it themselves. Of course they might be accused of horse racing while on that high horse of theirs.
its gambling. You did not kill an elephant for its tusks or steal a blood diamond. You weren't selling dope or meth to kids. You won at a casino. You paid taxes on it. Blaming you for his dad's addiction relapse is pathetic and ignorant. Your daughter doesn't have to accept the money if she feels that strong about it or she can pay you back, but she is definitely wrong for trying to condemn your actions to HELP her. Like someone said before me, there will always be pissed off people when it comes to weddings and funerals. People love the drama. If you already paid for the wedding or put in money, tell your son in law, he can pay you back over time if it makes him feel better about himself.
How you got the money is not their damn business I mean unless you robbed a bank of something illegal. The dad is just using it as an excuse to feed his addiction. Smh NTA they are being way too dramatic.
I agree with you. Addicts will use any excuse they can to relapse, even with themselves. It’s a constant battle of fighting the voice in your head that tells you whatever you want to hear in order to justify using again.
NTA. Why is it anyones business where the money came from? All money is dirty money. Even if you work for it (imo that makes it extra dirty)
That fucking moron with the gambling problem, what does he expect everyone around him to mollycoddle him his whole life? What an absolutely moronic person. Its not like you took him to a casino. Its not like you made HIM gamble. You secretly gambled, won and gave his fucking son some wedding money. Boo fucking hoo. I'd be weary of letting your daughter marry into such insanity and its not too late to pull your money out.
You are a better man than me because I would have told all of them to KISS MY ASS!!! As long as you didn't do anything illegal, why does it matter how you got the money. As far as the dad goes, that's bullshit to try and use you as a scapegoat. Take the wedding money back and enjoy your winnings💯💯💪🏾💪🏾
NTA. I understand why you did what you did- which is very generous and nice of you. I also understand why your daughter might feel that way. Neither of you is wrong.
The person who let the cat out the bag is the ass here.
The other father is responsible for his own recovery- why is he questioning it, because you won then he shouldn’t have quit as his next win could have been the one you won? Pffft. If his head is in that space he needs to reassess where he is in recovery because it’s not the gambling itself that’s the problem it’s his relationship with it and how it has affected him and his family. You’re not to blame for that.
Honestly, I think the only reason the daughter or SIL should be upset is if the money was won by gambling from the parent with a gambling problem. They are the ones who shouldn’t gamble. Anyone else? No one else’s business.
WHOOOOOAAA!! Hit the brakes! And I mean HARD! You are your own person. You are responsible for your actions and your actions alone. If someone else ends up flipping out because they're being triggered after you do something nice, that is on them. You don't have the addiction problem. They do. It's your money, your business and the person who spilled the beans is an AH. Did you spend your winnings on frivolous things? Drugs? Prostitutes? No. You paid for your daughter's wedding! The rest of the family need to chill TF out.
First, this is why you keep your good luck to yourself
Your family member sounds jealous and passive aggressively spilled the beans to get you on the hot seat
Everyone else is full of drama, ingrate drama, including your daughter
Get your money back. Let the sensitive ingrates pay
What more "informed decision" do they need than that the bride's father is paying for the wedding (which is traditional)?
The addict father is not your problem. It's not like the wedding is being held at a casino or something. He had the addiction long before your met him.
Also, fire that relative fire loose lips. Was that "slipped" on purpose?
NTA
NTA - gambling isn't illegal. You don't have a gambling problem. Where your money comes from is no one's business. If daughter has an issue then don't pay for the wedding problem solved. You tried keeping hush to be sensitive to the addict.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Your family is behaving like a bunch of drama queens on acid.
Tell them there's an easy solution: you won't pay for the wedding if they're so upset about it. Then walk away and wait for them to come begging.
NTA.
NTA. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You didn't do anything illegal to obtain the money. Also It was a freaking gift for your daughter. And you kept it quiet for the exact reasons that you are now dealing with because someone had to blab. The asshole is your big mouthed family member and your daughter should be thankful for what you did and why you tried to keep it a secret. Would they been as mad if you won the lottery and used it for their wedding?
If it's really a problem.
TELL THEM TO PAY YOU BACK THE MONEY YOU EARNED THROUGH LEGAL MEANS AND SPENT ON THEIR WEDDING IF THEY ARE THAT UPSET ABOUT IT.
Problem solved they pay you back and don't have to touch your "dirty" money.
If your daughter's so boiled about the money coming from gambling, take back the offer to use it to pay for her wedding. Let's watch how quick she makes a turnaround.
NTAH... UHHH isn't it traditionally on the father of the bride to pay for the wedding...?
They all are being drama queens and could kindly fuk off with all that noise.
I agree with your intentions. I think your family are overreacting. Withdraw the offer if they find the source of the money so repugnant.
You were under no obligation to make the offer in the first place and certainly under no obligation to divulge to anyone that you won money from gambling.
The gambling addict is responsible for his actions and he knows it.
Your offer was generous and loving. Your business is your business.
NTA and unless this was drug money, it isn't anyone's business where it came from, WTF?
You should just tell them to give the money back then & see their response. 100% guarantee they will come up w/ some mental gymnastics to avoid coughing up the $......
The origin of the money disturb their sleep?
Be a worried responsible dad and retire your offer to pay the wedding. If this is making them uncomfortable, of course you don't want it! 😂😂😂😂 Use the whole money to go on a good vacation or investment.
At least, justify the feelings and/or the rift
Clearly, you need to rescind your offer to pay for the wedding due to their feelings about the source of the money. If you'd done something else with this money (banked it, invested it, hide it in the mattress) and instead paid for the wedding from your savings would they have had an issue? And is it the fact that you gambled at all that bothers them? It's like alcoholics that don't think others should drink at all.
It sounds like they're not even married yet. NTA. The young couple still have the option of refusing the money ... That just doesn't seem to be happening.
NTA. Tell them you're sorry and will no longer pay for the wedding as it seems to be such an issue.
Also make sure not to give them any money when they ask or buy shit. Tell them you wouldn't want to be accused or blamed for contributing to the gambling addiction of others by using your money that you won from gambling to help them. Tell them you're just respecting their wishes.
NTA and revoke the offer. Don't give your money to people who are clearly dramatic and ungrateful. It's wrong of them to put the weight of the father in law's gambling addiction on you. WRONG.
They are being super shitty to you for no good reason.
NTA
And if they are sooooo triggered by this, they are free to pay you back the entire amount so as to not tarnish their precious.... \*I don't even know what they feel has been blemished here\*.
NTA. People are being assholes to you for giving them free money. That's wild.
PSA Never EVER tell anyone if you ever win a lottery. Wear a mask if they take pictures. You'll be thankful.
Lol, NTA. You were generous enough to pay for the wedding, it should not matter to them where you got the money from as long as it was legal and not putting them at risk in any way.
NTA -Just say the money was from your regular source and the gambling money is going to be paying your bills for the next year. I do feel like we are missing a little bit of the story, but it seems to me like it was obtained legally and you have no reason to disclose how you got it.
NTA. You did something nice. You didn't need to tell them how you got the money. It sounds like the family member who spilled the beans. Your daughter's new fil is responsible for his own recovery. Him having a problem doesn't mean you can never gamble. Of course he is questioning things. He wants to believe he was close to a win. It's not rational, but he needs to leave you out of it. Your winning isn't the problem. Him needing to win is the problem. Take the money back and have a nice vacation for yourself!!
NTA. Your money you can decide how it’s spent and who gets to how you got it. The guy who’s a recovering addict is just trying to use you as an excuse for his own weakness.
I guess my only concern is are they worried you're headed down the same path?
Are we talking like "hey I took money I can afford to lose and went to the casino a night/bought some lottery tickets" or "oh hey it's a reoccurring theme that I can't pay my bills, mortgage, car payment" etc.
NTA. What a bunch of fucking ingrates. Just because his father is loser and gambling addict you can't use your good fortune to help pay for your daughter's wedding. Rescind your generous offer and don't pay for anything relating to your daughters wedding
You daughter and the new in laws are AH and very ungrateful. Take out the offer they don't deserve it. The dad is questioning because he doesn't regret any of his gambling problems.
NTA
If you won life changing money and suddenly paid for a wedding……. Where did they think the money came from?? Ya know?
ETA: god I hope you are a bot after seeing your Reddit history 😭🤣
Addiction is a personal problem that you are not obligated to be a part of. That’s one of the consequences. People get to live their life regardless of their addiction. They can help but there no responsibility to maintain it.
How is YOUR finances THEIR problem? A grown ass man who has a gambling addiction is not another grown adult’s problem. If they wanna stick to this dumbass logic then ask for the money back but remember they will balk at that because they’re okay with taking money but want to be on some kind of high horse
Weak ass grown man going back to his vices is completely on his weak ass will power.
It seems the world is half full of assholes so it doesn't matter what good you tried to affect you will almost always get shit thrown at you by somebody.
NTA, your family is being overdramatic. I don’t think you did anything wrong. I think it was pretty generous of you to pay for the wedding. So, what’s going to happen? Will they reimburse you for the money spent on the wedding? Emotions tend to run high when it comes to weddings and wedding planning. Good luck!
NTA. I would have been thrilled if my dad had wanted to see me get married… or even spent a day actually being a dad. IMO, you were trying to do something wonderful for your daughter. You were trying to be considerate of others feelings and circumstances. All of that and that you said you love your daughter, makes you dad of the year. Everyone else needs to stfu and just say thank you
They can take their tears, mix it with the sand in their collective vaginas and all of the collective sticks in their collective asses and use it all to build a bridge to get over themselves.
You got lucky and did something nice. You didn't rub it in anyone's faces. You didn't brag about it. This is entirely a them problem.
If they want to act this way about it. They can pay you back every penny, so that they can feel some type of superiority. Or they can get over it.
NTA
The future FIL is now questioning his recovery bc you won money? Sounds like he’s not recovered and he’s using you as an excuse. (Granted I’m allergic literally to alcohol so I don’t drink but go with my example here) It would be the same as me drinking alcohol and you, a recovering alcoholic, heard about me drinking and not going to jail…and then questioning your sobriety. It doesn’t make any sense bc the reality is…you’re using it as an excuse to drink. He’s using your winning as an excuse to continue gambling. Not your drama. Not your llama. Nta.
Wow they’re being totally ridiculous. Someone else’s addiction does not prevent you from doing things and it’s nobody’s damn business where the money came from. Honestly, I wouldn’t pay a dime if I were you, after the way they acted about you trying to do something nice by paying THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS for THEIR wedding. NTA.
Daughter sounds like a moron. Tell her, if she wants to pay you back to feel morally superior she can make payments and you agree to never pay anything for her ever again.
NTA-
They are all making excuses for her FIL In case he relapses. No one is responsible for his recovery from gambling addiction but him. He knows people are out there gambling when he can't do it in moderation because he has an addiction. It's no different than an alcoholic acting like other people shouldn't drink because they can't. People are responsible for their own lives , actions and decisions.
Having had family members who have overcome addiction, they've all told me that a person 1. will not go into recovery until they're ready to. It doesn't matter how much their loved ones want them to or try to force them to. 2. That they have to hold themselves accountable and nobody else can. I think your daughter's father-in-law is looking for a scapegoat because he wants to jump back into gambling and it's easier to blame you than accept responsibility himself.
Nta... she got a free wedding and you're the bad guy? Personally I would have been mad about the other guy loudly discussing your finances at the reception... as if he had any right to do that.
Don't apologise, his father is an addict is 100% responsible for any relapse and if he's doubting the reasons for staying "clean" over this then he's probably always looking for a reason that he can spin into an excuse.
If you had won the lottery would it still be an issue? That’s also gambling. Ask your daughter where she thought you got the money from. She must have wondered how you could suddenly afford to pay for the wedding when you hadn’t offered before. How could you be blamed for the fiancée’s father questioning his own recovery? YOU didn’t tell them. Your relative did. Maybe you should ask them why they thought it was ok to bring it up in front of everybody? That’s who they should be blaming for all of this, not you. Apologise for offering and withdraw your offer if it’s so offensive to them. And your Will needs changing too if your daughter wants nothing to do with your money.
I've been in recovery for over 40 years, and this is some bullshit. You are not responsible for his recovery. They are looking for a scapegoat. The only one responsible is him.
Should you have told them, yes. But their reaction and blaming you is ridiculous. They just don't want to admit that it doesn't matter what YOU do. It matters what HE does. They are throwing you under the bus for his frailty.
The only thing you did wrong is not tell them but my word. They are acting like parents who can't believe that their child would ever do such a thing.
He needs to work on his own recovery, talk to his sponsor, and go to meetings. If HE is not doing these things, then HE is setting HIMSELF up for failure. There is NOTHING you can do that will make him gamble, aside from physically forcing him. Don't take on the guilt for this.
I've been in recovery for over 40 years, and this is some bullshit. You are not responsible for his recovery. They are looking for a scapegoat. The only one responsible is him.
Should you have told them, yes. But their reaction and blaming you is ridiculous. They just don't want to admit that it doesn't matter what YOU do. It matters what HE does. They are throwing you under the bus for his frailty.
The only thing you did wrong is not tell them but my word. They are acting like parents who can't believe that their child would ever do such a thing.
He needs to work on his own recovery, talk to his sponsor, and go to meetings. If HE is not doing these things, then HE is setting HIMSELF up for failure. There is NOTHING you can do that will make him gamble, aside from physically forcing him. Don't take on the guilt for this.
NTA, if your daughter and SIL are so affronted and think you did something terrible, they can always absolve their feelings gs by payo g you back.
Honestly, how we make our money is our own business, and I agree with the person who said it sounds like they enjoy drama. A normal reaction would have been gratitude.
NTA.
If someone else's addiction gets triggered because of how you did something that's on them not you.
The fact you're helping with no strings attached should make them grateful. If they're so triggered they can pay for everything then and you can enjoy the money in other ways. It's not like you killed someone and it's hush money. People are so dramatic.
NTA
You are not responsible for the recovering addict’s life choices or how he responds to learning where you got the money from. You also chose to spend your winnings on your daughter, which is an admirable thing to do.
If he is triggered by this information, he is responsible for how he handles this trigger and insuring he takes the proper steps to remain in recovery. It’s not your fault for him being triggered.
Your family sounds dramatic. I personally wouldn’t want to fund an event for someone that’s willing to turn you into the bad guy for something that isn’t your fault. But that’s your decision to make.
u/kagicalscreater tell them you're so sorry you'll pull the funding and won't attend the wedding as penance for your sins. I can't wait to see the whiplash they get from the 180 when they're scrambling to pay the costs without you. You're not responsible for his sobriety regardless of the type of addiction. As others have said he better stay away from newspapers that report lottery winnings or news about new casinos or any ads for online gambling so really he needs to be in a plastic bubble 🙄 WTF! You're NTA but they all are
!UpdateMe
YTA(light)-I don't think you're a bad person. I'm just replying based on how you made your decision for this question. TLDR: Good intentions-poor results
Secrets tend to cause problems when discovered even if you have good intentions, and you should keep them to yourself or make sure anyone you tell understands not to tell anyone else.
Don't just assume they won't tell anyone.
Also **people should be allowed to make fully informed decisions**, and you didn't allow them to do that. You tricked them into accepting a gift they may not have otherwise wanted.
It seems as if you know things would go south because you wouldn't have kept it a secret otherwise.
edit: Some might say the source of the money shouldn't matter, but some people won't accept money from things they are against.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I would call them out and say your right pay for your own wedding.
You tried to do the right thing !
What is wrong with people?
NTA Since everyone is complaining. Retract your offer and tell everyone that complained that they can now pay for the wedding. I would then take the money you would have used on the wedding to travel to Vegas and double it at a one of their many casinos!
NTA
Tell your homeboy to go to Gambler's Anonymous meetings
Stop telling people you won the lottery, especially if you intended to keep it a secret
Tell your relative off for using your luck and generosity to try and make themselves look good
NTA
But heck, play their stupid little game - tell your daughter that you are very sorry, you apologize and they can return the money before the end of the week or you will file a police report. \[ungrateful f\*cks\] Tell her father in law that you want to take him out for drinks, the pull up to a casino, drinks are free there.
WTF is their problem?! They want an Asshole, I'll give them an asshole. This honestly sounds like a made up story, wtf is going in that family?
"Hey family, I won some money, here - let's make some lifelong memories with" ..
How dare you?!!!
Seriously OP, you should probably pay for like a family therapy or something, this is so strange I don't even know what to think but sarcasm, feigned ignorance and astonishment.
I would definitely be confronting the family member that disclosed this information and making sure they didn't see it dime. They did this on purpose.
Honestly, the money and where it came from is irrelevant, you know what?Just tell them you won't pay for it.There you go take your money back and go on a vacation. Yes, I despise gambling.However someone else's recovery is not your responsibility.
First. Congrats on your daughters wedding.
Second. Congrats on your big win.
Third. You aint TAH here. Youre doing a good thing. That relative of yours that spilled what was obviously a sensitive piece of info needs a stiff attitude adjustment. And you are not responsible for the other guys recovery. I can see how this might cause him some discomfort, sure, but it really isnt your problem.
NTA you kept it a secret because you had good intentions. Your family should see it that way. It's not your fault the father got triggered. It sounds like maybe he is using your win as an excuse.
So you won a "life changing" amount, meaning that you could fully fund your daughter's wedding. Presumably, you wouldn't have been able to have done so before your win? So it must have been quite a surprise for everyone that suddenly, you could. And nobody asked about it? They just accepted that all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you had the means to pay in full for this wedding? No questions asked and no curiosity, just "ooh look, money, yum yum"? And now they're complaining about it?!
There's a lot of weird thinking going on in this story but the only person who isn't being unnecessarily dramatic is you, OP. Congratulations on your good fortune, enjoy your new life and NTA.
Wait...you are derailing his recovery because you don't have a gambling problem and won big time, and could afford to cover the cost of the wedding?? NTA. If your daughter and fiance want to make a big deal of where the wedding funds have come from, keep your money stop funding it.
NTA Your family members are a little extreme. It’s not like this money is proceeds from a crime. You won at gambling. You are also not responsible for the decisions an addict makes. It sounds like the family members like to blame everyone else rather than holding him accountable for his own behavior.
[удалено]
No matter how far you drive down the path of recovery, you’re always the same distance from the ditch.
One of my friends always says "im quitting drinking" even though hes been sober 10 years. In his mind, if he quits, then he could start uo again. The urge never goes away. The monkey gets smaller and quieter, but hes always there. So he always like to say that hes forver quitting, because to quite would mean the addiction is gone
There is a saying that goes "always recovering. Never recovered." I've been sober for 23 years but I know all it could take is one drink to fall off the bandwagon.
100% agree. Fiance's dad is looking for a reason to blame his relapse on. It's not op's fault. I know he hasn't relapsed yet, but already blaming op is a sign that he really, really wants to, and wants a reason to justify it. He is responsible for his actions, not op. The family blaming op is also problematic. They're just enabling him.
Oh damn, I've always heard "always quitting, never quits" and said it about myself whenever I struggle with staying sober-- but I'm gonna try and reframe this in my head this way. This feels better, tbh
Here's the reason why in AA meetings they introduce themselves as active addicts. It really is a "one day at a time" thing. You're not an addict in recovery. You're a recovering addict.
This is pretty profound.
I’ve never heard this saying before, but this is such a great way to summarize it. Thank you.
I agree. If he says, "I started gambling again because I found out it was gambling money that paid for the wedding", then that's just him and his addiction using it as an excuse to get to gamble again and blame it on something else.
Also, i think it's not the fact that OP pays for the wedding that is triggering his addiction. It's the fact OP won big and the FIL thinks, if OP did it, i can do it too
Tbh, this is why I often point people towards watching BoJack Horseman if they can’t get that point from being told it. Sometimes it takes seeing a cartoon horse doing the thing to go “oh shit I’m being terrible and not being accountable like this dude” lmFAO! Or it took that for me anyway to really turn me around
Lmao your way of realizing it sounds so easy I'm jealous. I had to get sense slapped into me by a semi. I'm glad you found your way though! Wish you all the best in your future❤️
I wasn’t aware of that but it makes perfect sense.
I'm an alcoholic. If a brewery or distillery paid for my wedding, I'd be thankful, not pissed. I'm the one with a problem, not anyone else, and it's my responsibility to go to my meetings and read the literature.
My dad's been sober since I can remember. We still did construction projects on multiple breweries without him falling off the wagon.
I'm an alcoholic too, and I was trying to think of an analogy of this situation. It would be like me getting mad that people around me were able to drink responsibly and have fun because I can't do that. Like you said, I'm the one with the problem. I don't expect the world to change for me. OP did something kind and generous. It's really no one else's business how he acquired the money.
BINGO!
Yeah, don't get pissed, then you're back to zero.
THIS! Godspeed, Zapaclownskii! Way to own your issue and responsibility. Respect.
Is this dude gonna relapse when he reads about lottery winnings in the paper too? Unless OP swooped in like "hey I'll pay for the wedding but ONLY if it's held at Caesar's Palace and my SIL's dad has to sit at the roulette table with a stack of chips," NTA. The SIL's dad needs to understand he's responsibile for his own actions. Plus whoever spilled the beans probably did it to stir up some shit, they're TA.
[удалено]
Maybe if OP asks them if they still want the wedding paid for they will get over it faster. Maybe OP should say, 'you're all right, will everyone who's criticizing me please chip in to help cover the cost if I withdraw my offer?' It's so easy to criticize when it costs nothing.
Great answer! I love it when people get presented with consequences for their negative judgements of others.
Oh yeah, theres no way in hell I’d pay for it now.
“It’s easy to criticize when it costs nothing” AINT THAT THE TRUTH. Thanks I needed to see this
Well. Ya know. Walter White said it was from "gambling" too .. lol
Came here to say this. *An addict is responsible for their own sobriety*. No one can make an addict use (or in this case, gamble.) You are under no obligation to share the source of your finances with your daughter. It's not like you knocked over a liquor store and are paying for the wedding with stolen money. You won it *legally*. It's yours. It's very kind that you offered to be generous. If she won't accept that, then let her pay for her own wedding. Either way, you should sleep soundly knowing you did nothing wrong. And your daughter needs to mind her own business and stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.
Well said, no one is responsible for ANY decisions anyone makes. Something that took me too long to learn
So true. If your daughter and SIL is so mad, tell them to pay you back or donate to charity. Let’s see how fast everyone shut up.
In other words, family are enablers of the addict and critical of anybody that could potentially help
Maybe it's a scenario where the fiance himself had a messed up childhood with a gambler dad and so doesn't want to be around gambling money?
OK, so Op spent his income on the wedding and paid his bills with gambling money, then. It's not their business how he finances his activities. They were fine with taking the money, and apparently thought he could afford it.
So take back the winnings and let fiance and his dad pony up some earned income. EZPZ.
\^this is the way. took far too long to find this comment.
As far as I am concerned, if the money is legit ( gambling is not a crime in the West) then I would be ecstatic that someone has relieved me of a massive debt.
Exactly this. NTA. Part of recovery is being able to deal with the fact that you control your own actions and other people gambling should not derail your progress if you are actually making it. The family is reacting a little bit extreme and honestly, your daughter should be super grateful that you paid for her whole wedding, regardless of where that money came from.
NTA - It doesn't matter where the money came from, as long as it was legal. Everyone else is putting their own petty morality on this.
I could kind of understand if OP has an addiction, and they don’t want to take money that came from an activity they feel is harming him. It’s unclear if that’s the case here.
I mean…*technically* depending on how much the wedding is, it could be looked at as OP is spending his salary on the wedding and using the gambling to pay regular bills. It’s all semantics. NTA talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth!
If OP had a gambling problem the winnings would have gone back into another bet.
NTA There is only one truth about weddings: *someone* will always be pissed off about something and will treat it as a mortal injury. Who is TA here? This one: "a relative who knew about my win spilled the beans at a family dinner" - that was intended to stir up drama. There's no way that wasn't a deliberate, malicious choice.
Exactly! They knew what they were doing when they disclosed that. There’s no such thing as privacy anymore.
I absolutely believe what you posted. Sometimes people just need to STFU and mind their own business. I'm pretty sure they have enough going on in their own life that they don't need to be sticking their nose in somebody else's business
Agreed, NTA. That relative stirring the pot definitely added unnecessary drama. Your intention was to do something generous for your daughter's wedding, it's a shame that it turned into such a mess.
I’m going to disagree. It could have been a simple “so this is how you decided to spend the winnings. That was so nice of you.” They may not have known it was a big secret.
There is only one thing to take from this story - if you want to keep a secret a secret you can never tell anyone, that's the only way to keep a secret, take it to the grave with you. Take this bit of wisdom from a person that will have a very crowded grave.
So basically if you accidentally tell someone a secret, better dig a grave for them
Ben Franklin said it best, "two can keep a secret if one of them is dead."
Your secrets are prisoners. Don’t set them free.
so true - and i’m wondering what prompted the relative to spill the beans at a FAMILY function, where chaos was sure ensue. was it a malicious act? drunken stupidity? combo?
If it was a relative from OP's side they may not have known there would be an issue
well then, OP did a bad job at communicating that the funds were to be a secret. NTA but not smart. i’m surprised, considering OP’s fairly valid reasons -in his words - to do so. generous and kind - but a bad secret keeper. and OF COURSE OP shouldn’t be punished for that. talk about biting the dang hand that has treats for you.
Advise them that if they wish to return the money, you are happy to accept it, and that they can pay in installments over however many years they like. Then watch them go quiet.
This is actually a great idea. It will give them the option to save face in front of the future in law. Even if they don’t pay you back
This is the right advice. There is no time machine, so all discussions should be about what to do now. This will make your family to make a choice. The addict's triggers and feelings are nothing to do with the conversation.
NTA. Just revoke the offer. You can’t win with these people. They don’t know - you’re wrong for taking away their choice. They know - you’re responsible for fil potentially relapsing.
This is the way. Get a refund on everything possible and call it a day
Oh geez. They are not entitled to this information, and his addiction is not your problem. I swear, someone's always going to find a reason to be mad about something.
“No good deed goes unpunished”
NTA If the wedding has not taken place, rescind your offer to pay for it. As for the fiancé's dad, he is not your problem or your responsibility.
NTA, if the dad starts gambling again, is not because of you. It's because he is not fully capable of controlling himself. The family member who told everyone is TA, like why? To cause drama?! I also think the family is a bit extreme. (Sorry for my English).
Your English is fine!!
Thank youuuu
Your English is great! You have very good points here.
You know what? Take the money back and go on a trip around the world. Life's too short to have to dance around all of these "triggered" people.
OP’s daughter & her fiancé: “That’s dirty filthy gambling money & it shames us to use such disgusting ill-gotten funds to pay for our wedding!” OP: “Okay I’ll take it back. You can pay for your own wedding”. OP’s daughter & her fiancé: “Wait! What?” 🤯 NTA OP. It’s money you won legally. If gambling upsets them so much then let them put their money where their mouths are & pay for it themselves. Of course they might be accused of horse racing while on that high horse of theirs.
its gambling. You did not kill an elephant for its tusks or steal a blood diamond. You weren't selling dope or meth to kids. You won at a casino. You paid taxes on it. Blaming you for his dad's addiction relapse is pathetic and ignorant. Your daughter doesn't have to accept the money if she feels that strong about it or she can pay you back, but she is definitely wrong for trying to condemn your actions to HELP her. Like someone said before me, there will always be pissed off people when it comes to weddings and funerals. People love the drama. If you already paid for the wedding or put in money, tell your son in law, he can pay you back over time if it makes him feel better about himself.
How you got the money is not their damn business I mean unless you robbed a bank of something illegal. The dad is just using it as an excuse to feed his addiction. Smh NTA they are being way too dramatic.
I agree with you. Addicts will use any excuse they can to relapse, even with themselves. It’s a constant battle of fighting the voice in your head that tells you whatever you want to hear in order to justify using again.
That gambling sounds awesome, I gotta get in on that shit
🤣🤣
Only possible takeaway from this situation mmhmmm
The AH is the person who told the family how you came into the money, but you should know better than to tell them. Loose lips sink ships.
NTA Buy yourself an extra car or something… fuck em …just trying to help out the people you love no need to beg them to take it
This is so stupid. Tell them to get over it and if they can’t, then ask for the deposits back NTA
NTA easy answer, if you haven't already paid for everything tell them you aren't anymore. Problem solved.
NTA. Why is it anyones business where the money came from? All money is dirty money. Even if you work for it (imo that makes it extra dirty) That fucking moron with the gambling problem, what does he expect everyone around him to mollycoddle him his whole life? What an absolutely moronic person. Its not like you took him to a casino. Its not like you made HIM gamble. You secretly gambled, won and gave his fucking son some wedding money. Boo fucking hoo. I'd be weary of letting your daughter marry into such insanity and its not too late to pull your money out.
NTA. They need to get over it. Money is money.
You are a better man than me because I would have told all of them to KISS MY ASS!!! As long as you didn't do anything illegal, why does it matter how you got the money. As far as the dad goes, that's bullshit to try and use you as a scapegoat. Take the wedding money back and enjoy your winnings💯💯💪🏾💪🏾
NTA - no good deed goes unpunished.
I guess your daughter and her fiancé will be paying for their own wedding now. NTA
Loose lips sink ships. The AH here is the relative who spilled the beans that weren’t hers to spill.
NTA. I understand why you did what you did- which is very generous and nice of you. I also understand why your daughter might feel that way. Neither of you is wrong. The person who let the cat out the bag is the ass here. The other father is responsible for his own recovery- why is he questioning it, because you won then he shouldn’t have quit as his next win could have been the one you won? Pffft. If his head is in that space he needs to reassess where he is in recovery because it’s not the gambling itself that’s the problem it’s his relationship with it and how it has affected him and his family. You’re not to blame for that.
Honestly, I think the only reason the daughter or SIL should be upset is if the money was won by gambling from the parent with a gambling problem. They are the ones who shouldn’t gamble. Anyone else? No one else’s business.
WHOOOOOAAA!! Hit the brakes! And I mean HARD! You are your own person. You are responsible for your actions and your actions alone. If someone else ends up flipping out because they're being triggered after you do something nice, that is on them. You don't have the addiction problem. They do. It's your money, your business and the person who spilled the beans is an AH. Did you spend your winnings on frivolous things? Drugs? Prostitutes? No. You paid for your daughter's wedding! The rest of the family need to chill TF out.
NTA. That relative is an oaf, the Bride and Groom seem to have a lot of morals now that the check has cleared. I hope FIL doesn't regress
First, this is why you keep your good luck to yourself Your family member sounds jealous and passive aggressively spilled the beans to get you on the hot seat Everyone else is full of drama, ingrate drama, including your daughter Get your money back. Let the sensitive ingrates pay
Guess you can say, “just kidding that was the cover story, it’s actually from cooking and selling meth.”
What more "informed decision" do they need than that the bride's father is paying for the wedding (which is traditional)? The addict father is not your problem. It's not like the wedding is being held at a casino or something. He had the addiction long before your met him. Also, fire that relative fire loose lips. Was that "slipped" on purpose? NTA
NTA a bunch of ungrateful ass bastards.
NTA. What a bunch of s.n.o.w flakes!
😂
NTA your heart was in the right. TA is definitely the person who spilled beans.
NTA - gambling isn't illegal. You don't have a gambling problem. Where your money comes from is no one's business. If daughter has an issue then don't pay for the wedding problem solved. You tried keeping hush to be sensitive to the addict.
If it makes them feel better, they can pay you back!
Oh, for fuck's sake. Your family is behaving like a bunch of drama queens on acid. Tell them there's an easy solution: you won't pay for the wedding if they're so upset about it. Then walk away and wait for them to come begging. NTA.
Ask them for the money back then so they don’t have to feel bad about it. They can pay you back in installments if money is an issue for them.
NTA and that one fam member can fall off a cliff for trying to be a d!ck and stir up drama.
Nta. Just dont help them ever again. Pretty straight forward.
NTA. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You didn't do anything illegal to obtain the money. Also It was a freaking gift for your daughter. And you kept it quiet for the exact reasons that you are now dealing with because someone had to blab. The asshole is your big mouthed family member and your daughter should be thankful for what you did and why you tried to keep it a secret. Would they been as mad if you won the lottery and used it for their wedding? If it's really a problem. TELL THEM TO PAY YOU BACK THE MONEY YOU EARNED THROUGH LEGAL MEANS AND SPENT ON THEIR WEDDING IF THEY ARE THAT UPSET ABOUT IT. Problem solved they pay you back and don't have to touch your "dirty" money.
did the dollar bills have “gambling gambling gambling” on them, that the FIL had to cash in at the bank one by one? If not, NTA
If your daughter's so boiled about the money coming from gambling, take back the offer to use it to pay for her wedding. Let's watch how quick she makes a turnaround.
Sooo…this guy wasn’t aware that people still gamble, disregarding his very existence?
NTAH... UHHH isn't it traditionally on the father of the bride to pay for the wedding...? They all are being drama queens and could kindly fuk off with all that noise.
I agree with your intentions. I think your family are overreacting. Withdraw the offer if they find the source of the money so repugnant. You were under no obligation to make the offer in the first place and certainly under no obligation to divulge to anyone that you won money from gambling. The gambling addict is responsible for his actions and he knows it. Your offer was generous and loving. Your business is your business.
NTA and unless this was drug money, it isn't anyone's business where it came from, WTF? You should just tell them to give the money back then & see their response. 100% guarantee they will come up w/ some mental gymnastics to avoid coughing up the $......
NTA unless you have a problem
INFO: has your daughter’s life been negatively impacted by your gambling?
Nta. Time to not pay for the wedding.
Now they’re taking bets on whether the wedding will go ahead or not.
Ask them to pay you back if they disagree with the morality. I bet they won’t. NTA you did a very generous thing.
nta if they don't like it then start the refund process
The origin of the money disturb their sleep? Be a worried responsible dad and retire your offer to pay the wedding. If this is making them uncomfortable, of course you don't want it! 😂😂😂😂 Use the whole money to go on a good vacation or investment. At least, justify the feelings and/or the rift
Clearly, you need to rescind your offer to pay for the wedding due to their feelings about the source of the money. If you'd done something else with this money (banked it, invested it, hide it in the mattress) and instead paid for the wedding from your savings would they have had an issue? And is it the fact that you gambled at all that bothers them? It's like alcoholics that don't think others should drink at all.
It sounds like they're not even married yet. NTA. The young couple still have the option of refusing the money ... That just doesn't seem to be happening.
NTA. No one needs to know where the money came from. I'd cut off the family member who spilled the beans because it's obvious you can't trust them.
Updateme
NTA. Tell them you're sorry and will no longer pay for the wedding as it seems to be such an issue. Also make sure not to give them any money when they ask or buy shit. Tell them you wouldn't want to be accused or blamed for contributing to the gambling addiction of others by using your money that you won from gambling to help them. Tell them you're just respecting their wishes.
NTA and revoke the offer. Don't give your money to people who are clearly dramatic and ungrateful. It's wrong of them to put the weight of the father in law's gambling addiction on you. WRONG. They are being super shitty to you for no good reason.
NTA And if they are sooooo triggered by this, they are free to pay you back the entire amount so as to not tarnish their precious.... \*I don't even know what they feel has been blemished here\*.
NTA. If you need another kid who will happily spend your money, im here for ya pal
NTA. You aren't responsible for his recovery and you aren't the one who brought the source of the money to everyone's attention.
NTA. People are being assholes to you for giving them free money. That's wild. PSA Never EVER tell anyone if you ever win a lottery. Wear a mask if they take pictures. You'll be thankful.
You are *not* responsible for someone else's recovery.
Lol, NTA. You were generous enough to pay for the wedding, it should not matter to them where you got the money from as long as it was legal and not putting them at risk in any way.
NTA, they can always pay themselves if they prefer. And it’s not your in laws business how you make/get money
This isn't your fault. The person who snitched should take the blame
NTA Tell her to give the money back if they don't want it.
NTA -Just say the money was from your regular source and the gambling money is going to be paying your bills for the next year. I do feel like we are missing a little bit of the story, but it seems to me like it was obtained legally and you have no reason to disclose how you got it.
You’re absolutely NTA and hopefully your daughter has already thanked you privately
NTA. You did something nice. You didn't need to tell them how you got the money. It sounds like the family member who spilled the beans. Your daughter's new fil is responsible for his own recovery. Him having a problem doesn't mean you can never gamble. Of course he is questioning things. He wants to believe he was close to a win. It's not rational, but he needs to leave you out of it. Your winning isn't the problem. Him needing to win is the problem. Take the money back and have a nice vacation for yourself!!
NTA. His dad sucked so you’re the bad guy for being generous? No.
NTA. Your money you can decide how it’s spent and who gets to how you got it. The guy who’s a recovering addict is just trying to use you as an excuse for his own weakness.
I guess my only concern is are they worried you're headed down the same path? Are we talking like "hey I took money I can afford to lose and went to the casino a night/bought some lottery tickets" or "oh hey it's a reoccurring theme that I can't pay my bills, mortgage, car payment" etc.
NTA. What a bunch of fucking ingrates. Just because his father is loser and gambling addict you can't use your good fortune to help pay for your daughter's wedding. Rescind your generous offer and don't pay for anything relating to your daughters wedding
You daughter and the new in laws are AH and very ungrateful. Take out the offer they don't deserve it. The dad is questioning because he doesn't regret any of his gambling problems. NTA
You are not responsible for daughter's future FIL's addiction.
NTA. Your family needs to unclench. Tell them to give the money back if it's so tainted.
NTA. Your finances and where they come from are your business, so long as it's all legal.
If you won life changing money and suddenly paid for a wedding……. Where did they think the money came from?? Ya know? ETA: god I hope you are a bot after seeing your Reddit history 😭🤣
Their comments are irrational.
NTA. JFC, if they feel so 'betrayed', tell them to pay the money back. I mean, seriously, how dare you share this winfall with loved ones......./s.
Addiction is a personal problem that you are not obligated to be a part of. That’s one of the consequences. People get to live their life regardless of their addiction. They can help but there no responsibility to maintain it.
How is YOUR finances THEIR problem? A grown ass man who has a gambling addiction is not another grown adult’s problem. If they wanna stick to this dumbass logic then ask for the money back but remember they will balk at that because they’re okay with taking money but want to be on some kind of high horse Weak ass grown man going back to his vices is completely on his weak ass will power.
It seems the world is half full of assholes so it doesn't matter what good you tried to affect you will almost always get shit thrown at you by somebody.
NTA, your family is being overdramatic. I don’t think you did anything wrong. I think it was pretty generous of you to pay for the wedding. So, what’s going to happen? Will they reimburse you for the money spent on the wedding? Emotions tend to run high when it comes to weddings and wedding planning. Good luck!
NTA. How would they have reacted if they knew you won big but didn’t offer to pay for their wedding?
NTA. I would have been thrilled if my dad had wanted to see me get married… or even spent a day actually being a dad. IMO, you were trying to do something wonderful for your daughter. You were trying to be considerate of others feelings and circumstances. All of that and that you said you love your daughter, makes you dad of the year. Everyone else needs to stfu and just say thank you
They can take their tears, mix it with the sand in their collective vaginas and all of the collective sticks in their collective asses and use it all to build a bridge to get over themselves. You got lucky and did something nice. You didn't rub it in anyone's faces. You didn't brag about it. This is entirely a them problem. If they want to act this way about it. They can pay you back every penny, so that they can feel some type of superiority. Or they can get over it. NTA
I work with addicts for a living. Most are looking for any excuse to continue their addiction. You were blessing your family. NTA
Just tell them to then go ahead and pay for their own wedding. See how that goes.
The future FIL is now questioning his recovery bc you won money? Sounds like he’s not recovered and he’s using you as an excuse. (Granted I’m allergic literally to alcohol so I don’t drink but go with my example here) It would be the same as me drinking alcohol and you, a recovering alcoholic, heard about me drinking and not going to jail…and then questioning your sobriety. It doesn’t make any sense bc the reality is…you’re using it as an excuse to drink. He’s using your winning as an excuse to continue gambling. Not your drama. Not your llama. Nta.
Wow they’re being totally ridiculous. Someone else’s addiction does not prevent you from doing things and it’s nobody’s damn business where the money came from. Honestly, I wouldn’t pay a dime if I were you, after the way they acted about you trying to do something nice by paying THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS for THEIR wedding. NTA.
NTA If someone wanted to pay for my wedding I wouldn’t have questioned it, especially a parent.
Daughter sounds like a moron. Tell her, if she wants to pay you back to feel morally superior she can make payments and you agree to never pay anything for her ever again.
NTA- They are all making excuses for her FIL In case he relapses. No one is responsible for his recovery from gambling addiction but him. He knows people are out there gambling when he can't do it in moderation because he has an addiction. It's no different than an alcoholic acting like other people shouldn't drink because they can't. People are responsible for their own lives , actions and decisions. Having had family members who have overcome addiction, they've all told me that a person 1. will not go into recovery until they're ready to. It doesn't matter how much their loved ones want them to or try to force them to. 2. That they have to hold themselves accountable and nobody else can. I think your daughter's father-in-law is looking for a scapegoat because he wants to jump back into gambling and it's easier to blame you than accept responsibility himself.
Inform them you'll cancel the venue and caterers for their peace of mind. See how they like them 🍎s.
Man these ai bots are getting better at making up AITAH posts...........
Nta... she got a free wedding and you're the bad guy? Personally I would have been mad about the other guy loudly discussing your finances at the reception... as if he had any right to do that. Don't apologise, his father is an addict is 100% responsible for any relapse and if he's doubting the reasons for staying "clean" over this then he's probably always looking for a reason that he can spin into an excuse.
NTA. But if everyone is so upset about it, offer to let them pay you back, and promise you'll go and lose it all at the same place you won it from.
If you had won the lottery would it still be an issue? That’s also gambling. Ask your daughter where she thought you got the money from. She must have wondered how you could suddenly afford to pay for the wedding when you hadn’t offered before. How could you be blamed for the fiancée’s father questioning his own recovery? YOU didn’t tell them. Your relative did. Maybe you should ask them why they thought it was ok to bring it up in front of everybody? That’s who they should be blaming for all of this, not you. Apologise for offering and withdraw your offer if it’s so offensive to them. And your Will needs changing too if your daughter wants nothing to do with your money.
Now they know so they can make an informed decision. Have they given any of the money back?
NTA - Someone else's struggles aren't your problem. Congrats on your win.
Not a believable story
I've been in recovery for over 40 years, and this is some bullshit. You are not responsible for his recovery. They are looking for a scapegoat. The only one responsible is him. Should you have told them, yes. But their reaction and blaming you is ridiculous. They just don't want to admit that it doesn't matter what YOU do. It matters what HE does. They are throwing you under the bus for his frailty. The only thing you did wrong is not tell them but my word. They are acting like parents who can't believe that their child would ever do such a thing. He needs to work on his own recovery, talk to his sponsor, and go to meetings. If HE is not doing these things, then HE is setting HIMSELF up for failure. There is NOTHING you can do that will make him gamble, aside from physically forcing him. Don't take on the guilt for this.
I've been in recovery for over 40 years, and this is some bullshit. You are not responsible for his recovery. They are looking for a scapegoat. The only one responsible is him. Should you have told them, yes. But their reaction and blaming you is ridiculous. They just don't want to admit that it doesn't matter what YOU do. It matters what HE does. They are throwing you under the bus for his frailty. The only thing you did wrong is not tell them but my word. They are acting like parents who can't believe that their child would ever do such a thing. He needs to work on his own recovery, talk to his sponsor, and go to meetings. If HE is not doing these things, then HE is setting HIMSELF up for failure. There is NOTHING you can do that will make him gamble, aside from physically forcing him. Don't take on the guilt for this.
nta. All of these other people are not children, they're adults and adults are responsible for their own actions. No one gets a pass on this.
NTA, if your daughter and SIL are so affronted and think you did something terrible, they can always absolve their feelings gs by payo g you back. Honestly, how we make our money is our own business, and I agree with the person who said it sounds like they enjoy drama. A normal reaction would have been gratitude.
Just plain NTA. It’s no one’s business where the money came from as long as it’s legal.
Tell them if it bothers them that much they can pay you back.
NTA. If someone else's addiction gets triggered because of how you did something that's on them not you. The fact you're helping with no strings attached should make them grateful. If they're so triggered they can pay for everything then and you can enjoy the money in other ways. It's not like you killed someone and it's hush money. People are so dramatic.
NTA You are not responsible for the recovering addict’s life choices or how he responds to learning where you got the money from. You also chose to spend your winnings on your daughter, which is an admirable thing to do. If he is triggered by this information, he is responsible for how he handles this trigger and insuring he takes the proper steps to remain in recovery. It’s not your fault for him being triggered. Your family sounds dramatic. I personally wouldn’t want to fund an event for someone that’s willing to turn you into the bad guy for something that isn’t your fault. But that’s your decision to make.
NTA but if daughter and son in law regret the decisions for you to pay please tell them they are welcome to pay and send them the bill.
u/kagicalscreater tell them you're so sorry you'll pull the funding and won't attend the wedding as penance for your sins. I can't wait to see the whiplash they get from the 180 when they're scrambling to pay the costs without you. You're not responsible for his sobriety regardless of the type of addiction. As others have said he better stay away from newspapers that report lottery winnings or news about new casinos or any ads for online gambling so really he needs to be in a plastic bubble 🙄 WTF! You're NTA but they all are !UpdateMe
YTA(light)-I don't think you're a bad person. I'm just replying based on how you made your decision for this question. TLDR: Good intentions-poor results Secrets tend to cause problems when discovered even if you have good intentions, and you should keep them to yourself or make sure anyone you tell understands not to tell anyone else. Don't just assume they won't tell anyone. Also **people should be allowed to make fully informed decisions**, and you didn't allow them to do that. You tricked them into accepting a gift they may not have otherwise wanted. It seems as if you know things would go south because you wouldn't have kept it a secret otherwise. edit: Some might say the source of the money shouldn't matter, but some people won't accept money from things they are against.
Wtf? Whatta bunch of cunts. No offense.
Man, these AI stories keep getting better and better.
No good deed goes unpunished. I would call them out and say your right pay for your own wedding. You tried to do the right thing ! What is wrong with people?
what his dad do ain’t got shit to do w u. Simple as that. The mf can’t keep his marbles in his pouch that’s his own fault.
NTA Since everyone is complaining. Retract your offer and tell everyone that complained that they can now pay for the wedding. I would then take the money you would have used on the wedding to travel to Vegas and double it at a one of their many casinos!
NTA Tell your homeboy to go to Gambler's Anonymous meetings Stop telling people you won the lottery, especially if you intended to keep it a secret Tell your relative off for using your luck and generosity to try and make themselves look good
NTA But heck, play their stupid little game - tell your daughter that you are very sorry, you apologize and they can return the money before the end of the week or you will file a police report. \[ungrateful f\*cks\] Tell her father in law that you want to take him out for drinks, the pull up to a casino, drinks are free there. WTF is their problem?! They want an Asshole, I'll give them an asshole. This honestly sounds like a made up story, wtf is going in that family? "Hey family, I won some money, here - let's make some lifelong memories with" .. How dare you?!!! Seriously OP, you should probably pay for like a family therapy or something, this is so strange I don't even know what to think but sarcasm, feigned ignorance and astonishment.
Tell them to return it and stop being hollier than though, my guess is they would have still accepted it even if thaley had known
I would definitely be confronting the family member that disclosed this information and making sure they didn't see it dime. They did this on purpose. Honestly, the money and where it came from is irrelevant, you know what?Just tell them you won't pay for it.There you go take your money back and go on a vacation. Yes, I despise gambling.However someone else's recovery is not your responsibility.
To quote JG Wentworth [(877) CAS-HNOW] "It's your money. Use it when you need it." NTA. They can get over it.
So much drama for no reason 🙄
First. Congrats on your daughters wedding. Second. Congrats on your big win. Third. You aint TAH here. Youre doing a good thing. That relative of yours that spilled what was obviously a sensitive piece of info needs a stiff attitude adjustment. And you are not responsible for the other guys recovery. I can see how this might cause him some discomfort, sure, but it really isnt your problem.
NTA you kept it a secret because you had good intentions. Your family should see it that way. It's not your fault the father got triggered. It sounds like maybe he is using your win as an excuse.
So you won a "life changing" amount, meaning that you could fully fund your daughter's wedding. Presumably, you wouldn't have been able to have done so before your win? So it must have been quite a surprise for everyone that suddenly, you could. And nobody asked about it? They just accepted that all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you had the means to pay in full for this wedding? No questions asked and no curiosity, just "ooh look, money, yum yum"? And now they're complaining about it?! There's a lot of weird thinking going on in this story but the only person who isn't being unnecessarily dramatic is you, OP. Congratulations on your good fortune, enjoy your new life and NTA.
No good deed goes unpunished.
NTA you did a great thing it's not your fault they're ungrateful.
If they're so angry about it, have they returned your money? NTA
Wait...you are derailing his recovery because you don't have a gambling problem and won big time, and could afford to cover the cost of the wedding?? NTA. If your daughter and fiance want to make a big deal of where the wedding funds have come from, keep your money stop funding it.
Sounds like it's time to rescind the offer.