Hahaha, thank you!! I admit I got the inspiration after reading several reddit posts and comments dealing with similar issues. I was like... "What if I did...??" and while I don't necessarily regret taking that route, there's this little worry of having going to far. As I said, the family is having a big discussion about this.
How could you possibly have gone too far? THEY were the folks who insisted that "family" needed to step up. So, you're just helping them to step up. I think what you did is inspired!
This doesn't change the fact that your sister is a complete AH for having a child she had no interest in actually parenting. And, your mom is also an a-hole for dumping said baby she promised to help raise on you.
Keep practicing boundaries with your mom. Don't let her dump the baby on you when it's her scheduled time.
NTA. Not your baby, not your responsibility. Any babysitting you do is a GIFT to your sister, not an obligation. You're not the one who had a child with someone who wasn't interested in being a father. I think you handled this creatively and well.
I love that your comment was just pure praise and appreciation. We need more people like you, the people that just point out the good for the sake of pointing it out.
Thank you, internet stranger, for being kind in a world full of hate <3
Youâre not responsible for the turn the conversation took. What you did was genius imo.
Iâve been in your position, and honestly if you donât set boundaries right now itâll only get worse and then when you decide to not be so available anymore theyâll just get mad at you anyway.
Your mom may have agreed to help but you didnât sign up for her baby shifts. At minimum youâve now stated when you are available, the rest is up to your sister vs everyone else to sort.
I agree, it was a beautiful way to address it!! You could have called CPS for child abandonment as it is NOT your responsibility to watch the child unless you offer. Your mom and sister donât get to decide when you are or are not free and what is or is not important with your job/studies. Extended family can suck it.
Good on you OP
I wouldn't like having to go that far as to call CPS, I still hope that everything will be sorted out in the end and hopefully this will be a wake up call to my sister.
I donât think it will be a wake up call, especially with your mom enabling your sister. Maybe show them these comments with everyone saying that itâs ridiculous that they expect you to constantly stop your life to raise a baby that you didnât have because of your sisterâs poor choices.
Yes but more people telling her no on occasion starts making people ( and her) see that it's not one person having a bad attitude but rather her ( the mother ) having unrealistic expectations..... I think everyone who was commenting on OP not stepping up for family didn't realize how frequently it was occuring.... Grandma actually bothers me the most in this situation, it's one thing to offer to watch your grandchild ... Totally different to offer and then expect the auntie to do the work grandma volunteered for.
I just hope they WILL tell her NO, and that the OP refuses to be the go-to backup when they all tell her no. Because when someone says no, they will 100% start trying to dump the kid off on her again!
The OP needs to tell her mother, "YOU are the one who talked her into having a kid with the promise that YOU would help her look after him. Now YOU can take care of him."
it was priceless! hope you update later on how the schedule will look after the big discussion. will your sister be stepping up to actually spend time with her kid or will the family be playing hot potato with a baby?
They **should** have a big discussion! Your sister needs to get her head out of her ass and be a primary parent like she actually is. Your mum needs to stop helping her to take advantage of you while youâre trying to live your own young life. And everyone else needs to stop lecturing you on family and put their money where their mouth is - step up or shut up! NTA, you handled this perfectly.
It sounds like something that has needed to be discussed. If it results in more support for your sister, great. If it results in your sister realizing she's been letting you and your mom raise her kid, also great. Sometimes the truth just needs to be seen.
NTA. You did not take things too far. You handled it beautifully. You took it to the next level by actually creating a schedule and pulling in everyone who was trying to add their 2 cents worth into the matter.
What you did was a boss move. They said it, they are family, so they can also help.
NTA
Also, your sister chose to be a mother, you did not. You also didn't sign up to be her nanny, your mother did.
The people who say "but family" are usually the ones exploiting but never contributing. Bad people are super pro forgiveness when they get caught or called out.
Absolutely, it's like they expect you to step up but aren't willing to do the same themselves. Fair play for setting boundaries and making it clear how everyone can chip in.
NTA
You arenât a spoiled brat. Your sister is a spoiled brat. She chose to bring a child into this world thinking other people would parent him for her.
The only person responsible for this baby is your sister.
I blame that on our mom. When my sister told us she was pregnant and that the father woul'd be involved, our mother assured her if she kept the baby, then she would help her whenever she needed, as she's already retired and like I said, was excited to have her 1st grandchild.
I might have a theory on that. Way before my sister got pregnant, we (mom, sister, me) were talking about the future and the theme of marriage and kids came up. I must have around 14?? at the time and I proclaimed I would like to be childfree. Mom didn't took it too seriously at the time, kinda like "you'll change your mind when you grow up". I didn't. So i think she is in part doing to to convince me that babies/children aren't that bad, because sometimes when I was babysitting she would go aaaawwww about how I would be an amazing mother and how good I am with children. But I don't want to. I love being an aunt and was pretty excited about nephew being born too, but the constant babysitting pretty much drained me out. I might change my mind on having children in the future (adoption or surrogacy, which I'm sure my mom woul'd approve either), but being pressured like this isn't helping.
Drop subtle hints that the baby getting in the way of your work and studies is making you more and more certain you don't want babies. Or have a real conversation about it.
She should tell her mother that she was starting to come around to the idea of having kids one day, but having to look after this baby all the time has completely put her off.
Believe me, I've tried. In the end it always come back to "you'll eventually change your mind when you get older", "you'll change your mind when you meet the right person", "you're amazing with nephew", "nothing feels as fullfilling as holding your children for the first time", "what are you going to do when you get old". Name it, my mom has probably said it.
I love my kids dearly, but do you know what feels better than holding your newborn? A good nights sleep. Also pooping without someone banging on the door is pretty underrated.
I have no kids, but I do have a husky.Â
They function much the same with the bathroom door. XD
God I miss showers and pooping without listening to scratching, whining and yodeling. XD
I am a mother of two young kids and would like to add other things that feel better than holding a newborn.
1. Being able to actually rest when you're sick. 2. An uninterrupted shower or bath. 3.Eating something without another person begging for half (when they have their own). 4.SLEEP (I know @hemiak just said this one but MAN). 5.Not worrying about lice outbreaks at school.
ETA: numbers because my dashes blended the paragraph together and proper Reddit formatting eludes me. đ
At least you just deal with banging... mine tries to pick the lock on the door while I'm pooping so she can burst in and record me and then threaten to post it, HUGE mistake letting her watch PrankWars, ever đ
Ugh my sympathies nothing worse than relatives insisting you'll change your mind someday. I'm almost 33 and am plenty fulfilled being a fun auntie i grew up with a grandparent we lived with that did this voluntering but then me being a teen actually doing most of it, so I was always watching over a few little cousins continuously for years and it's can be nice but I love handing them back afterwards. NTA
Listen, take this from someone who did eventually change their mind -- your mom is a idiot. Because whatever changes your mind, it will not be your mother's pearls of...whatever the opposite of wisdom is.
Also, while my children are amazing and I love them so much, sometimes I wonder how I can continue to breathe with the intensity of it... "Fulfilling" is not the word. It was definitely not the word for literally any parenting tasks before they were at least five. I fully acknowledge that some people like the baby and toddler stage and I don't mean to cast aspersions on their experiences, but FOR ME, all I could think for most of the very young human stage was "this could be done by someone with moderate to severe brain damage." It was a freaking slog that required nothing mentally. It is a set of tasks than can be (and are) done by baboons. I needed something a little higher on the mental scale than wiping avocado off of both ends of a helpless creature to be "fulfilled," and the fact that the creature was mine did not make the tasks one whit more fulfilling or meaningful.
Now that they're older and they're awesome people, I am glad that I didn't outsource the wiping, but they tell me that I should also be glad I didn't make "mommy" into my entire personality because now \_they\_ want to hang out with \_me\_.
Uh...sorry, didn't mean to rant. But seeing the "holding a potato that can also shit on your arm" held up as "fulfilling" on day one was enraging!
1. I have kids around your age & Iâm sure Iâm about your momâs age. I have zero desire to be a grandmother right now. I can wait and Iâve made that clear to all of them. No pressure.
2. Iâve also made it clear that they should only have children *if they want to and theyâre sure of it*. Having kids, for some people, is the be-all and end-all of life. For others, itâs not even in their plan and you know what? Thatâs also fine. I always wanted to be a mom and my younger sister did not. For my first Motherâs Day, she signed a card to me, âThanks for giving Mom grandchildren so that I donât have to. I owe you.â I respect the hell out of my sister for knowing herself well enough to know she doesnât want to have kids. Your mother needs to respect your plan for yourself and the fact that it doesnât include having children. Your sister has given her a grandchild. Your mom needs to chill out now.
3. No matter what your motherâs motivation is for saddling you with your nephew all the time, she needs to stop. Your time is just as important and valuable as everyone elseâs (read that again, please) and they need to stop assuming that you want to spend every waking moment of your day with your sisters baby on your hip. Stick to your text schedule about everyone helping. Create a schedule for yourself for class work & studying and let your mom & sister know that you simply ARE NOT AVAILABLE during these times and then stick to it. Your only other option is to start working more, save up some money & move out. And I know how hard that will be to do.
Your mother told your sister that sheâd be available to help with her child to convince her to have it. She needs to keep that promise now. Maybe you should sit down with her and your sister and have this conversation in person. Let them know how serious you are. Your work and your education are important. And ignore the squawking from your various family members. Itâll pass. These people have a lot of nerve trying to guilt you into being a free nanny when they donât even want to babysit one morning or afternoon a week.
Start printing information about hysterectomy when you watch the kid. When she asks say "every time I babysit I become more sure I never want a kid, I am afraid of the surgery but watching the kid is helping me build up my nerve."
I had my tubes tied when I was 22, with no kids. Iâm now 41, the older I get the less I want kids and the happier I am that I was sterilized young. I hate people who say âyouâll change your mindâ, do you say the same thing to women who are pregnant or already have kids?Â
Iâm not trying to be mean but HOW?! How did you convince a doctor to tie your tubes? Youâre not from the US are you.
Honestly though, good for you. A lot of people know at a young age they donât want kids, you shouldnât be forced into potentially having (or having an abortion) them if you donât want them. I am glad you were able to get it done young so you wouldnât risk an unwanted pregnancy.
I am from the US. I am a hemophilia a carrier, all the hemophiliacs in my family contracted HIV through the tainted blood scandal. I heavily leaned on that although it wasnât my main reason, I just donât like babies and toddlers. They didnât test me though so for all they knew I could have been lying. It was fully paid for by my state too. I had a 30 minute conversation with the first doctor I talked to and he approved it.Â
I LOVE you were able to get it done, but I hate the reasoning, I hope everyone in your family is doing well. I remember that crazy tainted blood scandal.
u/EveryReindeer1703 I am 34 and have been saying I don't want kids since I was 6. Sometimes you don't change your mind, and that is okay too. Also you are definitely NTA that was a brilliant response and I am proud of you for being so quick
Be clear and direct that all this unpaid childcare has really opened your eyes about how hard parenting is, and now you know for sure that you absolutely never want children. Thanks, mom, for giving me the opportunity to learn this before I had kids of my own and regretted it!
Also, power move to loop in and expose all the flying monkeys. Good job.
Little Sis, I'm a mom of 2 kids myself (now 21 and 15) and let me tell you- kids are exhausting and expensive. I love my 2 with all my heart, but I'm here to tell you that if you decide you don't want to have children, that is 100% valid, and your choice should be respected. You might have to tell your mom 9863 times until she gets it in her head, but you don't NEED to have children to have a fulfilled life. Tell her in English and in Spanish that her constant nagging is not doing what she thinks it's doing
Why is that when someone says they canât wait to have a baby no one says, just wait, you will change your mind. So sick of people not respecting a child free choice. NTA. At all. OP handled it perfectly.
> So i think she is in part doing to to convince me that babies/children aren't that bad,
This is literally the least effective way to convince someone who's childfree to have a child.
In fact isn't having a teen taking care of a baby how they convince them to NOT get pregnant young because they'll experience the responsibilities that come with babies?
OP I think you came up with a really good solution for this. Now add on and lock in some time on that calendar for you to study and/or do your work stuff. Remind your mother you are being paid and people expect results when they pay for services.
Time to start being very passive aggressive vocal about how hard it is and now you definitely donât want kids since one of being forced on you all the time.
That agenda for care is probably the softest, baddest Nuke I have ever heard anyone drop. Wow. Well done!!!
They were putting you on blast and trying to guilt you. You put them back on blast with their own words. Man, they got burned so badly. I feel it, and I don't even know y'all.
Kudos OP
You shouldn't be on the schedule at all and if you are you should be paid. Your mother doesn't want to watch the baby either (she drops her with you often it seems) Did you include her in the schedule or just your extended family? NTA
I just want to say that you are going places! The way you orchestrated all this while keeping your composure just show how smart and mature you are. You are gonna get far in life, definitely! Beautifully played.
Isnât it funny how things work out like that. Everyone was happy to shame you and offer you for the sacrifice but no one was happy to do the work themselves.
Nope. Your sister was the one who chose to breed. It doesnât matter what her mommy told her. She shouldnât have brought a child into this world unless she was prepared to be 100% responsible for the child.
No reasonable adult would have a child so their mommy could play house.
The point is that neither sister nor mom aren't reasonable people. The mother has coddled her one daughter out of almost all responsibility for her child and heaped it all on the other one. OP used one of the best ways to show how little actual care her sister was giving the kid. Another way to nip mom pawning the kid off on her so much is when the mother says, "Aww, look at you, you'll make a wonderful mother." Say," I'm caring for Jr. so much, I won't need to have any of my own now, I get to experience all that motherhood offers without all the pain of actual childbirth. So why bother having any of my own?"
That was pretty awesome of you to come up with this schedule. It was all well and good for them to lecture you about supporting your sister, but when had to things changed. Funny how that works.
Your mom is ridiculous to think that taking care of a baby is no big deal. Your sister and mom are also wrong to expect you to neglect your studies.
If your mother is retired, why the fuck is she involving you in this? She literally volunteered to be a full time caregiver, so she needs to do it her damn self.
Good job with the schedule. Awesome how you maneuver it that way. NTA. I have two kids. My mom helps 3 days in a week with the my oldest son, while I am watching baby full time. When I get back to work, my son will be in school full time and my mom can watch my youngest 5 times a week until he is ready to go daycare.
My mom is retired and he loves babysitting baby. I have to pull the kids away from her because I donât think she can handle it.
NTA. Youâre not retired. You have a life ahead of you and need to study and invest in your career. They damaging your beginnings is very entitled and selfish. And itâs true, your sister is not being a responsible parent.
NTA I cant wait for you to get away from them then they cant just leave a child with you.... mom cant say she'll watch her grandchild then dumb the kid on you..
I'm sure if it was the other way around noone would watch your kid ... you handle this very well
Your mother is the one who said that she would help watch the baby and then she is pushing the responsibilities onto you. That isnât right or fair. You never agreed to be this babyâs mother. Just tell your mother you were the one who said you would watch the baby so itâs on you and Iâm done. And donât worry about what other family says. If they really feel that strongly about this, maybe they will volunteer their time and babysit the child, which you know wonât happen.
I love OPs problem solving approach! Scheduling times and days for them to share the burden is so much more effective than just asking them to help.
OP you're NTA, and I see a bright future for you.
To be fair, the father is also responsible.The fact that he's not in the picture doesn't change the fact that he's **wrong** to not be the picture.
NTA
I already suggested hiring a nanny several times, but my sister claims that she wouldn't feel at ease leaving her child with an stranger. I then agreed to babysit certain days according to my schedule, but they wouldn't respect it. I did get payed to babysit a few times, but they would make a big deal out of it and I would end up feeling guilty, so I stopped asking for any payment.
I would also find other places to be for studies and work related times. Oops, sorry mom, I have a study group I have to meet up with. I have a work meeting I can't miss. Any time you have important things to do, find another place to do it other than home, then leave. Your time is just as important as theirs is, start by showing them you can't always be at their beck and call. You have a life too, start going out and enjoying it.
After this, I would start bringing getting paid again. "You need to compensate me for my time, since it's taking away from my studying/work/sidejob/etc." I bet you your sister and your mom will fight you, but stand firm. Your time and what you do with it is just as valid as theirs
"I then proceeded to write a schedule in which all of us could take care of the baby. ... I left saturday mornings and tuesday evenings as my time to babysit".
Not only are you NTA, you are a master. A freaking Jedi.
I personally love how you dealt with the flying monkeys. So many posts on here are all "my whole family is blowing up my phone telling me I should do XYZ for so and so" and they seem to just take the abuse, and no one ever seems to put the issue back on the complainers. You think family should help out with childcare? Great, you take Monday, you take Tuesday, etc. Cue the shocked Pikachu faces of those who thought they could gang up on you with no consequences. The added bonus of what you did is that the family gets to see how shitty a parent your sister is being. Well done, NTA.
Now, anyone who takes an issue with your schedule, you can confidently tell them that if they don't want to pitch in, they have zero grounds to criticize you for not wanting to be a full-time nanny for sister, who should be raising her own damn kid and stop taking advantage of you.
"My sister and my mom were very pleased with the arrangement. The other family... not so much. And when someone pointed out that my sister didn't get the baby for a whole day, discussions about my sister being an irresponsable mother started, with my mother trying to defend her." Â Â
This. This is a work of art. Apologize for nothing, you masterful mind! You're NTA, your sister and mother are being UNFAIR and it's about high time others noticed it and said something. The only AHs here are the ones expecting others to do all the care for the baby they agreed to care for.
Other comments have definitely celebrated/touched on this part of OP's post but to me it is the most bestest part.
It was already delicious that finally someone turned the flying monkey chant of "but family!" on those monkeys, but the real highlight was everyone realizing what an AH mother OP's sister is. And it was only realized when she and OP's mom were thrilled about OP's suggested arrangement which included OP's sister not dealing with her kid for a full 24 hours aside from every other spare moment she wasn't working or "relaxing."
Like, OP doesn't get to work or relax and it isn't even her damn baby. 25 is an adult who had a child and many women that age do it along with work or school (or sometimes both) with little to no help. Why is OP living like a teen mom?
I know a woman who gave birth at 11, yes thatâs right, eleven years old. She had no family help and spent a lot more time with her baby than this fully functioning adult.Â
That's horrifying and depressing. And my heart goes out to a child becoming a mother under these obviously abusive circumstances. So it's exponentially impressive they were an attentive mother while still a child.
The 25 YO sister of OP is a lazy mom with too little sense of personal responsibility and I echo the same for OP's mom who gave her the impression that Grandma will step up because she clearly has and has taught the same sense of personal responsibility to her eldest daughter that she herself has.
Makes one wonder how much OP, throughout their childhood, shouldered more responsibility than her mother or older sister.
NTA Its nice to help out every now and then when you can but you have a life too. Your family shouldn't expect you to babysit and just be fine with it when you clearly have a busy schedule and now that they have a taste of their own medicine all of a sudden its a problem.
I think most of the problem is that they don't consider what I do aside my part time job (a tutor at a children's academy), "worthy" of being bussy. I work as a freelance editor of audio and video, but they just see it as me being in my laptop just because, and I take spanish courses 4 times a week, along with audio engineering stuff 3 times a week. Both require me to do homework and in the latter case, work on projects. But they still don't consider that a big deal and I'm honestly too tired of explaining to them why both are important.
Doesn't matter what they consider busy, you could literally be sitting on the couch, with your thumb up your ass, they still don't have the right to mandate you babysit.
You didn't have a kid, and your mom is the one who volunteered, not you.
I second this advice! Lock the bedroom door, and put up a sign so they will knowingly be disrespecting what youâve designated as time for work and studies. You need some boundaries.
And start invoicing them if they interrupt your work hours, reminding them that you arenât being paid for the work you couldnât complete because of their interruptions.
Is there a coffee shop, library, etc that you could use to study or work? maybe removing yourself physically is the easiest way to enforce that boundary.
You said this started last week, have they still been leaving the baby with you since or are they magically figuring it out without you now?
> AITA for forcing my family to babysit (so I won't have to)?
You're damn right, you're not the asshole. You're standing up for your own time and boundaries. Is that so wrong?
> My mom would drop the baby while I'm in the middle of my lessons because "you can always watch the recordings later" or "just ask someone to tell you what it was about."
Thatâs absolute bullshit. Your education and work are as important as anyone elseâs commitments. Why should you be expected to drop everything because they can't manage their own schedules?
> My breaking point happened last week when my mother and sister left the baby with me for a whole day because I mistakenly told them I didn't have to work...
They took advantage of your honesty. Theyâre not respecting your time and using you as free labor. Is it fair to dump responsibilities on you just because youâre available?
> Grandma and other members of the extended family were calling and sending me messages about the importance of helping family...
Where the fuck were these people when you were stuck with the baby all day? It's easy to preach about helping family when they're not the ones being taken advantage of. Why should their convenience override your rights and time?
> I sent a message to the family group chat saying that they were right, helping family is important...
Damn straight. You turned their argument back on them and made them face their own hypocrisy. Why should it only be you who sacrifices for the family?
> How come they were expecting me to be my sister's unpaid nanny, but then they get offended when the same thing is being forced on them?
Exactly. They expect you to shoulder the burden, but when theyâre asked to step up, they whine and complain. Is it really about family support, or just using you because itâs convenient for them?
> I may be the AH because I caused this and don't regret it one bit.
Good. You shouldnât regret it. Sometimes, shaking things up is necessary to make people see the truth. Why should you feel guilty for demanding fairness and respect?
In the end, the real question is: Why should you sacrifice your future and well-being for others who wonât do the same for you?
You are an intelligent young lady. So well handled! Please go to college and donât have a surprise baby that has to get pawned off on everyone else. You deserve every opportunity you can grasp. We need problem solvers like you in the world!
Thank you!!! and I won't. I'm childfree and I'm not currently in a relationship/interested in having one. I do feel sorry for baby nephew though, he's actually pretty chill and nice for a baby. Really hope my sister will put her shit together and be mom nephew deserves.
I think that was exactly what caused this. I'm childfree and I think my mom made me babysit in an effort make me change my mind. Spoiler: It didn't work.
I think is easier to tell you how much time my sister gets with baby. She's a paralegal at a law office, works from 8 to 5 monday-wednesday and friday. Between commuting and she and mom saying she needs time to eat and rewind, she gets the baby around 7 pm. Thursdays are home office, but because "home office is stil work", she won't watch the baby until the evening. Weekends: she'll have the baby on saturday evenings (mornings too, unless she goes to have brunch/coffee/whatever with her friends, not every saturday, to her credit), and Sundays is half-half, because we usually get together with the rest of extended familly and in the evening paternal grandparents will visit to bond with nephew. So, objectively, She does not really spend a lot of time alone with baby.
Your sister works from home one day per week, but neither she nor your mother understand that you also work when you're home? Talk about being intentionally obtuse.
This is pretty saddening. Has she always palmed off her responsibilities to other people? Like pay you or bribe you to do her chores? It's always going to be hard for working mums, but is seems like a lot of active avoidance of parenting roles here, and I'm concerned that this child is going to not bond well with her, since its obvious that it's already spending it's formative years being passed around. I hope that she can find a way to become SIGNIFICANTLY more hands-on, with her TIME, not by buying things, as otherwise she may have some troubled years ahead.
Very well done, and just the right amount of petty.
NTA, now the family is looking exactly where they need to be looking, at your sister, for being entitled, and your mother for endorsing it.
They are all pissed because the whole family expected you to knuckle under and meekly continue to bbabysit.
Good for you! NTA. Especially your sister. She needs a reality check.
Evil genius, NTA. Â Itâs easy for extended family to tell you how you need to help. Â But when they get volunteered, suddenly family helps family doesnât ring so true.Â
NTA
I think what you did is brilliant! Although, I think your sister should be responsible for parenting her kid on any day or time she has off work.
Don't let your mom dump the baby on you anymore. NO is a complete sentence.
Also, learn to keep your mouth shut about days you aren't working. Learning to keep your schedule private from your family members always leaves room for you to escape "family" obligations by using work as an excuse.
NTA If family should support each other, then they need to start supporting you in your studies. When you first suggested the babysitting schedule, were you being serious or sarcastic? I have to admit I first thought you were being sarcastic and secretly applauded you. Then when I read your mom and sister loved this, I applauded you harder. LOL
The fallout of them noticing your sister doesn't have the baby for a whole day is not your fault. Nobody judges us like our own families.
Honestly, I wasn't being all that serious. I mostly was angry and just wanted to prove my point. But given how it all blew up was way more than what I hoped for.
NTA
My family does this to me so I started âmaking plansâ that would always fall through at the last minute. I also installed a new lock on my door so none of them have access to me. I did not have a child so I did not sign up to be the sole caretaker of a child.
NTA they all got a dose of reality. Mom volunteered not you so grandma should be watching the baby. I was granny nanny for 2 kids still am after school. Itâs work.
NTA
WAY TO GO! Just shows that people have a lot of opinions about shit when they arenât the ones being inconvenienced. But you not only showed how they could âdo as they sayâ but also how your sister (and Mother) take advantage of the âsister doesnât have any helpâ bs theyâve been claiming.
Ha ha well played my dear. When you were watching the baby and protested you were a spoiled brat and didnât recognize the âimportance of familyâ, when the baby is dropped on your family members all of a sudden your sister is an â irresponsible motherâ, just stand back and watch the fur fly..
Good job.
NTA
Unfortunately you are in a situation where you will have to start telling partial truths to the family. Things like âI have to work today,â when in reality you may need to stop in, but not an entire shift. I would also not study or do other projects in the home during times in which babysitting may be needed.
No matter where you live, the cost of childcare is insane. Trying to piecemeal childcare is also not a long-term solution (and one that child support will not even remotely cover). 8 month old babies eventually begin to crawl, to walk, to need more attention. Family members with mobility issues can help today, but they wonât when the child is 2. They have no hope once he is 3-4 and can take off on a bike or scooter.
NTA I LOVED this! Lmfaoo I wouldve gone further and asked, what the big change of heat was about?? When she didnt have the baby for a whole day, while YOU were watching him, her motherhood wasnt being questioned. Why are they so eager to question it now? Ooh right because they have to put their money where their mouth is now. Funny how all that help the family shit went right out the window. Funny how your mother said absolutely NOTHING to defend you, but was quick to run to the defense of your sister.
NTA. I was a single mom from the day my first child was born. The ex's parents were very supportive and took them a lot, which was appreciated but NEVER expected.
In fact, when the kids were about 3 or 4 and 1 or 2 I decided that they were getting old and having the kids every weekend was probably hard on them. I also knew I could never ask them about it because if they were doing it solely to help me they'd never admit it and risk making me feel bad... so I decided one weekend when I wasn't working that I would keep them at home. By Tuesday they were on the phone calling me cause the missed the boys and didn't get to see them on the weekend. By Wednesday the boys were asking about seeing their grandparents and telling me they missed them, so I threw my hands up in the air and went with it for as long as it seemed to be working for bothđ€Ł
At the end of the day, though, the decision to have sex, keep my babies, and raise them alone was my decision and the result of that my responsibility. And, frankly, it irritated me when I heard all the tales about how it was sooo hard being a single parent and how horribly people felt for me.
There are some aspects that are harder, largely financial... but I did nothing that a married working mother doesn't do.
As for the family... it's easy to volunteer other people's time (and money) but very very different when it comes to volunteering your own. You merely demonstrated that to them.
NTA and good for you. Your mother should not be offering to watch the baby if she is not going to watch the baby. She should not be dropping the baby on you during the time she has offered to do it..
It doesn't matter if you're working or studying or just watching a movie or reading or doing nothing at all, unless you have offered your time.
That was the perfect solution. Let the relatives who want to be supportive do it instead of putting it all on you.
NTA
You family devalues the activities that are important to your education and career development when you do them from home. Becoming a parent is permanently life altering. That's the choice your sister made. It's HER life that now includes 24/7 responsibility for supervising and caring for her child. Your MOM volunteered to be the #1 babysitter, not you. How much have they paid you for your hours watching your nibling?
NTA but I think you need to stop babysitting.
Change it and tell your mom you wonât babysit from now on and if she drops the baby on you, you will put the baby in a crib in her bedroom and ignore it.
I know it seems cruel but do it once, take a pic and send to your mom: « Baby is in your room. I have work to do. Feel free to come babysit baby. »
Or even less petty, just get out of the house. Go to a cafe to work. Close your door and put the key in it so no one can open it.
Or buy something to keep door closed from your side, I am sure this exist. Write something on your door : « I am busy. Door is closed. My headphone is on. »
If mom is not happy, and grandma start making a fuss or something. Send this: « Since yall seem to have time, come and get the baby. »
Please donât let this go any longer. In 2 years you will be out of this house. How will they manage?
They need to act as if you are not there and prepare for the future.
NTA
Why even schedule yourself? Maybe once a month for a couple hours.
Why is your sister, the one who chose to have the baby, entitled to everyone else's time, regularly, so she can have a break?
She's the mother. She needs to look after her own spawn.
NTA. When your mom agrees to watch the baby, SHE should be watching the baby. That is not your responsibility. You are NOT a spoiled brat. Your sister is. Has she always been the golden child?
Your extended family preaches about helping family when they donât actually have to do it, but when you made a schedule for them to help out, they want no part of it. That is pure hypocrisy. The schedule was good thinking on your part, as they think helping family is SO important, they should be willing to do their part. Donât put up with this any longer. Your studies and activities are just as important as your sisterâs work. Next time one of them drops the baby on your lap, say no. Easier said than done, but you need to stop them from taking advantage of you. Good luck.
Why is there so much babysitting one child?? Your sister can't work that much! When she isn't working then all responsibility is on her! NTA. Your family sure is!
Lol, you are BRILLIANT! It's maddening when others reach out about how "selfish" a family member is for not doing XYZ, but never offer their own money, time, etc. I think what you did was perfect and btw, you were not a spoiled brat for not wanting to raise your sister's child. NTA
NTA. Itâs not fair for them to dump childcare on you without considering your own responsibilities. Your familyâs reaction just shows their hypocrisy.
I love those posts "you need to help family!"
Okay then, same rules apply you, you can help this day.
"I didn't mean I also needed to help my own family..."
These people don't seem to realise their own hypocrisy
Send the family members messages about the importance of them taking care of the child, not you. You did not sign up for this and no one signs up for a job and pawns it off on me.
NTA your sister is the one who chose to have a baby... and do it with a completely absent father. Her child is not your responsibility. She's the spoiled brat for thinking she has the right to just dump her baby on you, especially so she can have free time to relax. Your mom's the one volunteering to babysit so she should be the one babysitting. Everyone else in the family seems to get to choose when and how they babysit, while they think it's ok to not give you a choice and just dump this baby on you, and that's not right at all. It's outrageous that they're all giving you shit while not stepping up to help out themselves. None of them get to monopolize your free time. Tell them to F off and refuse to tolerate their behavior. If your mom walks in with the baby, grab your stuff and tell her you have some place to be, and leave. If you're staying home, stand up to her before she even gets the chance to ask. Don't give her the chance to dump the baby on you. Give her a hard no and stand up to her.
And if it were me, I'd be lining up my escape plan because as long as you live there, your mother is going to think she has the right to dump this baby on you. Find a way to move out on your own, even if it means just renting a room somewhere else.
100% NTA!
They say "well family is important, bla bla bla she needs help," but when YOU ask "well in that case, we should ALL babysit." They didn't like it!
Let the drama go on. Maybe your sister gets a really check!
That is one of the most amazing things Iâve ever read, yeah if they are good with telling you how important family is they should step up too. đ€Ł
NTA
NTA and omg, do I feel this one on a personal level. My sister had a baby when she was in college. My mom is a mess, and I was still living with her to help her out, putting my entire paycheck toward helping her with rent, etc. My sister wanted to work an overnight shift and my mom volunteered to watch my nephew. Guess what happened? She went out every single night, leaving me with my nephew. I had zero time to myself.
I adore my nephew and we have a special bond because of all that time we spent together. That said, I resented the hell out of my mother for putting me in that position. You are being parentified and it's not fair. Stick to your guns and let your sister figure the rest out. It may be a challenge for her, but so what? It's her kid, she can do the legwork to make sure her child is cared for when she's working.
NTA That was a beautiful way to address that. Everyone always says but family until it comes back on them.
Hahaha, thank you!! I admit I got the inspiration after reading several reddit posts and comments dealing with similar issues. I was like... "What if I did...??" and while I don't necessarily regret taking that route, there's this little worry of having going to far. As I said, the family is having a big discussion about this.
How could you possibly have gone too far? THEY were the folks who insisted that "family" needed to step up. So, you're just helping them to step up. I think what you did is inspired! This doesn't change the fact that your sister is a complete AH for having a child she had no interest in actually parenting. And, your mom is also an a-hole for dumping said baby she promised to help raise on you. Keep practicing boundaries with your mom. Don't let her dump the baby on you when it's her scheduled time.
She should have gone farther tbh.
Agreed! The only person that needs to step up and watch the baby is the sister. She's the major AH in this whole thing
NTA. Not your baby, not your responsibility. Any babysitting you do is a GIFT to your sister, not an obligation. You're not the one who had a child with someone who wasn't interested in being a father. I think you handled this creatively and well.
Yeah, I'd leave for the library as soon as the sister drops off the kid
You didn't go too far. They dropped the nuke, you just redirected the blast.
That was beautifully said.
I love that your comment was just pure praise and appreciation. We need more people like you, the people that just point out the good for the sake of pointing it out. Thank you, internet stranger, for being kind in a world full of hate <3
Just sitting with this a minute. You made my whole day. Thank you--I feel seen. đ
Aww this was nice to read
"They dropped the nuke, you just redirected the blast." Love this so much!
Youâre not responsible for the turn the conversation took. What you did was genius imo. Iâve been in your position, and honestly if you donât set boundaries right now itâll only get worse and then when you decide to not be so available anymore theyâll just get mad at you anyway. Your mom may have agreed to help but you didnât sign up for her baby shifts. At minimum youâve now stated when you are available, the rest is up to your sister vs everyone else to sort.
Awesome response, I hope you sat back and enjoyed the drama. Family love to offer your time upâŠdefinitely NTA
It was total bad ass thing to do! Well played!! đ
I agree, it was a beautiful way to address it!! You could have called CPS for child abandonment as it is NOT your responsibility to watch the child unless you offer. Your mom and sister donât get to decide when you are or are not free and what is or is not important with your job/studies. Extended family can suck it. Good on you OP
I wouldn't like having to go that far as to call CPS, I still hope that everything will be sorted out in the end and hopefully this will be a wake up call to my sister.
If I were you I'd start going to the library to do online schoolwork. Leave early and stay late. Can't make you watch the kid if you aren't there.
Exactly what I was going to suggest. Cafes, library, friends house, basically anywhere safe with a Internet connection.
Safe and warm in winter and cool in summer.
This is the way.
This is the way
Why donât you go to the library or coffee shop to do work/studies? Then you arenât around for them to leave the child with you.
I donât think it will be a wake up call, especially with your mom enabling your sister. Maybe show them these comments with everyone saying that itâs ridiculous that they expect you to constantly stop your life to raise a baby that you didnât have because of your sisterâs poor choices.
Why would it be a wake up call? Now your sister has a whole bunch more people to ditch her kid with.
Yes but more people telling her no on occasion starts making people ( and her) see that it's not one person having a bad attitude but rather her ( the mother ) having unrealistic expectations..... I think everyone who was commenting on OP not stepping up for family didn't realize how frequently it was occuring.... Grandma actually bothers me the most in this situation, it's one thing to offer to watch your grandchild ... Totally different to offer and then expect the auntie to do the work grandma volunteered for.
I just hope they WILL tell her NO, and that the OP refuses to be the go-to backup when they all tell her no. Because when someone says no, they will 100% start trying to dump the kid off on her again! The OP needs to tell her mother, "YOU are the one who talked her into having a kid with the promise that YOU would help her look after him. Now YOU can take care of him."
Yep - she chose to have a baby with a man who evidently didn't want one. The responsibility for that decision resides with her, not you.
So, have you had any stepping up to help yet? We need an update on how it all went down.
it was priceless! hope you update later on how the schedule will look after the big discussion. will your sister be stepping up to actually spend time with her kid or will the family be playing hot potato with a baby?
They **should** have a big discussion! Your sister needs to get her head out of her ass and be a primary parent like she actually is. Your mum needs to stop helping her to take advantage of you while youâre trying to live your own young life. And everyone else needs to stop lecturing you on family and put their money where their mouth is - step up or shut up! NTA, you handled this perfectly.
It sounds like something that has needed to be discussed. If it results in more support for your sister, great. If it results in your sister realizing she's been letting you and your mom raise her kid, also great. Sometimes the truth just needs to be seen.
They opened fire. If everyone outside your mother and sister had kept their business to themselves, they wouldn't be in the mess they're in now.
NTA. You did not take things too far. You handled it beautifully. You took it to the next level by actually creating a schedule and pulling in everyone who was trying to add their 2 cents worth into the matter.
OP, your family quickly learned that they should not expect more from others than they are willing to give.
Maybe your sister should start reading Reddit so that she can learn to manage the care for her child.
If sister is working full time she can afford to pay you when you babysit. NTAH.
What you did was a boss move. They said it, they are family, so they can also help. NTA Also, your sister chose to be a mother, you did not. You also didn't sign up to be her nanny, your mother did.
đ„đ„
Not too far at all. Why is"think about your family" always "you should suffer for her" and never"she shouldn't make you do something"
Yes they always have an opinion but never a solution. Good for you OP!
The people who say "but family" are usually the ones exploiting but never contributing. Bad people are super pro forgiveness when they get caught or called out.
I know, right? NTA. I like you OP! Keep that spine shiny af.
Absolutely, it's like they expect you to step up but aren't willing to do the same themselves. Fair play for setting boundaries and making it clear how everyone can chip in.
NTA You arenât a spoiled brat. Your sister is a spoiled brat. She chose to bring a child into this world thinking other people would parent him for her. The only person responsible for this baby is your sister.
I blame that on our mom. When my sister told us she was pregnant and that the father woul'd be involved, our mother assured her if she kept the baby, then she would help her whenever she needed, as she's already retired and like I said, was excited to have her 1st grandchild.
If your mom assured her that *she* would be the one to help her whenever she needs it, why is she turning around and dumping the baby on you instead?
I might have a theory on that. Way before my sister got pregnant, we (mom, sister, me) were talking about the future and the theme of marriage and kids came up. I must have around 14?? at the time and I proclaimed I would like to be childfree. Mom didn't took it too seriously at the time, kinda like "you'll change your mind when you grow up". I didn't. So i think she is in part doing to to convince me that babies/children aren't that bad, because sometimes when I was babysitting she would go aaaawwww about how I would be an amazing mother and how good I am with children. But I don't want to. I love being an aunt and was pretty excited about nephew being born too, but the constant babysitting pretty much drained me out. I might change my mind on having children in the future (adoption or surrogacy, which I'm sure my mom woul'd approve either), but being pressured like this isn't helping.
Drop subtle hints that the baby getting in the way of your work and studies is making you more and more certain you don't want babies. Or have a real conversation about it.
This. No subtly about it. Make it VERY clear that your inability to focus with the baby around has solidified your child free stance forever.
She should tell her mother that she was starting to come around to the idea of having kids one day, but having to look after this baby all the time has completely put her off.
Leopardatehermommasface.
Believe me, I've tried. In the end it always come back to "you'll eventually change your mind when you get older", "you'll change your mind when you meet the right person", "you're amazing with nephew", "nothing feels as fullfilling as holding your children for the first time", "what are you going to do when you get old". Name it, my mom has probably said it.
I love my kids dearly, but do you know what feels better than holding your newborn? A good nights sleep. Also pooping without someone banging on the door is pretty underrated.
I have no kids, but I do have a husky. They function much the same with the bathroom door. XD God I miss showers and pooping without listening to scratching, whining and yodeling. XD
Cats. Cats absolutely have to stand guard when youâre in the bathroom.
I call my cat my "Poopervisor"
And when you're in a hurry because you *really* have to go, they'll twine around your legs and then stop at the door blocking you.
I am a mother of two young kids and would like to add other things that feel better than holding a newborn. 1. Being able to actually rest when you're sick. 2. An uninterrupted shower or bath. 3.Eating something without another person begging for half (when they have their own). 4.SLEEP (I know @hemiak just said this one but MAN). 5.Not worrying about lice outbreaks at school. ETA: numbers because my dashes blended the paragraph together and proper Reddit formatting eludes me. đ
The main feeling I felt when holding my newborn son for the first time is "oh fuck, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing."
Yes! I love my kids, but honestly, life was so much easier before kids. I fully understand & support people's choice to be child-free đ
I have a newborn and a toddler. Can definitely confirm both.
At least you just deal with banging... mine tries to pick the lock on the door while I'm pooping so she can burst in and record me and then threaten to post it, HUGE mistake letting her watch PrankWars, ever đ
Ugh my sympathies nothing worse than relatives insisting you'll change your mind someday. I'm almost 33 and am plenty fulfilled being a fun auntie i grew up with a grandparent we lived with that did this voluntering but then me being a teen actually doing most of it, so I was always watching over a few little cousins continuously for years and it's can be nice but I love handing them back afterwards. NTA
Listen, take this from someone who did eventually change their mind -- your mom is a idiot. Because whatever changes your mind, it will not be your mother's pearls of...whatever the opposite of wisdom is. Also, while my children are amazing and I love them so much, sometimes I wonder how I can continue to breathe with the intensity of it... "Fulfilling" is not the word. It was definitely not the word for literally any parenting tasks before they were at least five. I fully acknowledge that some people like the baby and toddler stage and I don't mean to cast aspersions on their experiences, but FOR ME, all I could think for most of the very young human stage was "this could be done by someone with moderate to severe brain damage." It was a freaking slog that required nothing mentally. It is a set of tasks than can be (and are) done by baboons. I needed something a little higher on the mental scale than wiping avocado off of both ends of a helpless creature to be "fulfilled," and the fact that the creature was mine did not make the tasks one whit more fulfilling or meaningful. Now that they're older and they're awesome people, I am glad that I didn't outsource the wiping, but they tell me that I should also be glad I didn't make "mommy" into my entire personality because now \_they\_ want to hang out with \_me\_. Uh...sorry, didn't mean to rant. But seeing the "holding a potato that can also shit on your arm" held up as "fulfilling" on day one was enraging!
> "what are you going to do when you get old" Literally whatever I want.
1. I have kids around your age & Iâm sure Iâm about your momâs age. I have zero desire to be a grandmother right now. I can wait and Iâve made that clear to all of them. No pressure. 2. Iâve also made it clear that they should only have children *if they want to and theyâre sure of it*. Having kids, for some people, is the be-all and end-all of life. For others, itâs not even in their plan and you know what? Thatâs also fine. I always wanted to be a mom and my younger sister did not. For my first Motherâs Day, she signed a card to me, âThanks for giving Mom grandchildren so that I donât have to. I owe you.â I respect the hell out of my sister for knowing herself well enough to know she doesnât want to have kids. Your mother needs to respect your plan for yourself and the fact that it doesnât include having children. Your sister has given her a grandchild. Your mom needs to chill out now. 3. No matter what your motherâs motivation is for saddling you with your nephew all the time, she needs to stop. Your time is just as important and valuable as everyone elseâs (read that again, please) and they need to stop assuming that you want to spend every waking moment of your day with your sisters baby on your hip. Stick to your text schedule about everyone helping. Create a schedule for yourself for class work & studying and let your mom & sister know that you simply ARE NOT AVAILABLE during these times and then stick to it. Your only other option is to start working more, save up some money & move out. And I know how hard that will be to do. Your mother told your sister that sheâd be available to help with her child to convince her to have it. She needs to keep that promise now. Maybe you should sit down with her and your sister and have this conversation in person. Let them know how serious you are. Your work and your education are important. And ignore the squawking from your various family members. Itâll pass. These people have a lot of nerve trying to guilt you into being a free nanny when they donât even want to babysit one morning or afternoon a week.
My care when I'm old is not my children's burden... who tf even says shit like that?
Start printing information about hysterectomy when you watch the kid. When she asks say "every time I babysit I become more sure I never want a kid, I am afraid of the surgery but watching the kid is helping me build up my nerve."
I'm 33 and have never been more sure that I don't want children. Seeing my friends struggling to raise their kids is stressful enough.
I had my tubes tied when I was 22, with no kids. Iâm now 41, the older I get the less I want kids and the happier I am that I was sterilized young. I hate people who say âyouâll change your mindâ, do you say the same thing to women who are pregnant or already have kids?Â
Iâm not trying to be mean but HOW?! How did you convince a doctor to tie your tubes? Youâre not from the US are you. Honestly though, good for you. A lot of people know at a young age they donât want kids, you shouldnât be forced into potentially having (or having an abortion) them if you donât want them. I am glad you were able to get it done young so you wouldnât risk an unwanted pregnancy.
I am from the US. I am a hemophilia a carrier, all the hemophiliacs in my family contracted HIV through the tainted blood scandal. I heavily leaned on that although it wasnât my main reason, I just donât like babies and toddlers. They didnât test me though so for all they knew I could have been lying. It was fully paid for by my state too. I had a 30 minute conversation with the first doctor I talked to and he approved it.Â
I LOVE you were able to get it done, but I hate the reasoning, I hope everyone in your family is doing well. I remember that crazy tainted blood scandal.
I'm 46, never changed my mind đ€·ââïž
u/EveryReindeer1703 I am 34 and have been saying I don't want kids since I was 6. Sometimes you don't change your mind, and that is okay too. Also you are definitely NTA that was a brilliant response and I am proud of you for being so quick
Be clear and direct that all this unpaid childcare has really opened your eyes about how hard parenting is, and now you know for sure that you absolutely never want children. Thanks, mom, for giving me the opportunity to learn this before I had kids of my own and regretted it! Also, power move to loop in and expose all the flying monkeys. Good job.
Tell her that straight up. Congratulations, forcing me to take care of this child has solidified how much I don't want this for myself.
Little Sis, I'm a mom of 2 kids myself (now 21 and 15) and let me tell you- kids are exhausting and expensive. I love my 2 with all my heart, but I'm here to tell you that if you decide you don't want to have children, that is 100% valid, and your choice should be respected. You might have to tell your mom 9863 times until she gets it in her head, but you don't NEED to have children to have a fulfilled life. Tell her in English and in Spanish that her constant nagging is not doing what she thinks it's doing
Your mother is reinforcing your decision not to have children. You might point that out to her. NTA.
Why is that when someone says they canât wait to have a baby no one says, just wait, you will change your mind. So sick of people not respecting a child free choice. NTA. At all. OP handled it perfectly.
> So i think she is in part doing to to convince me that babies/children aren't that bad, This is literally the least effective way to convince someone who's childfree to have a child. In fact isn't having a teen taking care of a baby how they convince them to NOT get pregnant young because they'll experience the responsibilities that come with babies?
OP I think you came up with a really good solution for this. Now add on and lock in some time on that calendar for you to study and/or do your work stuff. Remind your mother you are being paid and people expect results when they pay for services.
When the baby is dropped off, leave the house.
Time to start being very passive aggressive vocal about how hard it is and now you definitely donât want kids since one of being forced on you all the time.
That agenda for care is probably the softest, baddest Nuke I have ever heard anyone drop. Wow. Well done!!! They were putting you on blast and trying to guilt you. You put them back on blast with their own words. Man, they got burned so badly. I feel it, and I don't even know y'all. Kudos OP
Seriously. 19 years old. WELL DONE! đđ
You shouldn't be on the schedule at all and if you are you should be paid. Your mother doesn't want to watch the baby either (she drops her with you often it seems) Did you include her in the schedule or just your extended family? NTA
I did. I gave her only a little bit of childcare time to kind of make her agree with the whole schedule thing and it worked beautifully.
I just want to say that you are going places! The way you orchestrated all this while keeping your composure just show how smart and mature you are. You are gonna get far in life, definitely! Beautifully played.
Youâre not the AH. This is all on your Mum. She promised to look after the baby. But your sister needs to step up. This is her child.
Isnât it funny how things work out like that. Everyone was happy to shame you and offer you for the sacrifice but no one was happy to do the work themselves.
Nope. Your sister was the one who chose to breed. It doesnât matter what her mommy told her. She shouldnât have brought a child into this world unless she was prepared to be 100% responsible for the child. No reasonable adult would have a child so their mommy could play house.
The point is that neither sister nor mom aren't reasonable people. The mother has coddled her one daughter out of almost all responsibility for her child and heaped it all on the other one. OP used one of the best ways to show how little actual care her sister was giving the kid. Another way to nip mom pawning the kid off on her so much is when the mother says, "Aww, look at you, you'll make a wonderful mother." Say," I'm caring for Jr. so much, I won't need to have any of my own now, I get to experience all that motherhood offers without all the pain of actual childbirth. So why bother having any of my own?"
Or, OP could just walk away from the entire shit show because none of it is her job.
That was pretty awesome of you to come up with this schedule. It was all well and good for them to lecture you about supporting your sister, but when had to things changed. Funny how that works. Your mom is ridiculous to think that taking care of a baby is no big deal. Your sister and mom are also wrong to expect you to neglect your studies.
If your mother is retired, why the fuck is she involving you in this? She literally volunteered to be a full time caregiver, so she needs to do it her damn self.
Good job with the schedule. Awesome how you maneuver it that way. NTA. I have two kids. My mom helps 3 days in a week with the my oldest son, while I am watching baby full time. When I get back to work, my son will be in school full time and my mom can watch my youngest 5 times a week until he is ready to go daycare. My mom is retired and he loves babysitting baby. I have to pull the kids away from her because I donât think she can handle it. NTA. Youâre not retired. You have a life ahead of you and need to study and invest in your career. They damaging your beginnings is very entitled and selfish. And itâs true, your sister is not being a responsible parent.
NTA I cant wait for you to get away from them then they cant just leave a child with you.... mom cant say she'll watch her grandchild then dumb the kid on you.. I'm sure if it was the other way around noone would watch your kid ... you handle this very well
"My time is volunteered by me only"
Your mother is the one who said that she would help watch the baby and then she is pushing the responsibilities onto you. That isnât right or fair. You never agreed to be this babyâs mother. Just tell your mother you were the one who said you would watch the baby so itâs on you and Iâm done. And donât worry about what other family says. If they really feel that strongly about this, maybe they will volunteer their time and babysit the child, which you know wonât happen.
I love OPs problem solving approach! Scheduling times and days for them to share the burden is so much more effective than just asking them to help. OP you're NTA, and I see a bright future for you.
To be fair, the father is also responsible.The fact that he's not in the picture doesn't change the fact that he's **wrong** to not be the picture. NTA
NTA. You didnât have a child, your sister did. She can either pay you or find someone else to watch the child
I already suggested hiring a nanny several times, but my sister claims that she wouldn't feel at ease leaving her child with an stranger. I then agreed to babysit certain days according to my schedule, but they wouldn't respect it. I did get payed to babysit a few times, but they would make a big deal out of it and I would end up feeling guilty, so I stopped asking for any payment.
They need to respect you. If I were you, I would refuse.
I would also find other places to be for studies and work related times. Oops, sorry mom, I have a study group I have to meet up with. I have a work meeting I can't miss. Any time you have important things to do, find another place to do it other than home, then leave. Your time is just as important as theirs is, start by showing them you can't always be at their beck and call. You have a life too, start going out and enjoying it.
After this, I would start bringing getting paid again. "You need to compensate me for my time, since it's taking away from my studying/work/sidejob/etc." I bet you your sister and your mom will fight you, but stand firm. Your time and what you do with it is just as valid as theirs
I hate how people are like, "I trust family," but for some reason, doesn't trust someone who does this professionally. It is just so weird.
I agree. All the abuse I suffered as a kid came from family.
All the people I know who have been molested, and thereâs a lot, itâs only been done by family. Same with my experience, family.Â
Especially when the majority of child sex abuse is perpetrated by familyâŠ
She doesnât trust a stranger because then she has to pay every time. With you, she can get free childcare.Â
"I then proceeded to write a schedule in which all of us could take care of the baby. ... I left saturday mornings and tuesday evenings as my time to babysit". Not only are you NTA, you are a master. A freaking Jedi.
Agreed. OP needs to stick to her studies, sheâs going places!
I personally love how you dealt with the flying monkeys. So many posts on here are all "my whole family is blowing up my phone telling me I should do XYZ for so and so" and they seem to just take the abuse, and no one ever seems to put the issue back on the complainers. You think family should help out with childcare? Great, you take Monday, you take Tuesday, etc. Cue the shocked Pikachu faces of those who thought they could gang up on you with no consequences. The added bonus of what you did is that the family gets to see how shitty a parent your sister is being. Well done, NTA. Now, anyone who takes an issue with your schedule, you can confidently tell them that if they don't want to pitch in, they have zero grounds to criticize you for not wanting to be a full-time nanny for sister, who should be raising her own damn kid and stop taking advantage of you.
"My sister and my mom were very pleased with the arrangement. The other family... not so much. And when someone pointed out that my sister didn't get the baby for a whole day, discussions about my sister being an irresponsable mother started, with my mother trying to defend her." Â Â This. This is a work of art. Apologize for nothing, you masterful mind! You're NTA, your sister and mother are being UNFAIR and it's about high time others noticed it and said something. The only AHs here are the ones expecting others to do all the care for the baby they agreed to care for.
Other comments have definitely celebrated/touched on this part of OP's post but to me it is the most bestest part. It was already delicious that finally someone turned the flying monkey chant of "but family!" on those monkeys, but the real highlight was everyone realizing what an AH mother OP's sister is. And it was only realized when she and OP's mom were thrilled about OP's suggested arrangement which included OP's sister not dealing with her kid for a full 24 hours aside from every other spare moment she wasn't working or "relaxing." Like, OP doesn't get to work or relax and it isn't even her damn baby. 25 is an adult who had a child and many women that age do it along with work or school (or sometimes both) with little to no help. Why is OP living like a teen mom?
I know a woman who gave birth at 11, yes thatâs right, eleven years old. She had no family help and spent a lot more time with her baby than this fully functioning adult.Â
That's horrifying and depressing. And my heart goes out to a child becoming a mother under these obviously abusive circumstances. So it's exponentially impressive they were an attentive mother while still a child. The 25 YO sister of OP is a lazy mom with too little sense of personal responsibility and I echo the same for OP's mom who gave her the impression that Grandma will step up because she clearly has and has taught the same sense of personal responsibility to her eldest daughter that she herself has. Makes one wonder how much OP, throughout their childhood, shouldered more responsibility than her mother or older sister.
NTA Its nice to help out every now and then when you can but you have a life too. Your family shouldn't expect you to babysit and just be fine with it when you clearly have a busy schedule and now that they have a taste of their own medicine all of a sudden its a problem.
I think most of the problem is that they don't consider what I do aside my part time job (a tutor at a children's academy), "worthy" of being bussy. I work as a freelance editor of audio and video, but they just see it as me being in my laptop just because, and I take spanish courses 4 times a week, along with audio engineering stuff 3 times a week. Both require me to do homework and in the latter case, work on projects. But they still don't consider that a big deal and I'm honestly too tired of explaining to them why both are important.
Doesn't matter what they consider busy, you could literally be sitting on the couch, with your thumb up your ass, they still don't have the right to mandate you babysit. You didn't have a kid, and your mom is the one who volunteered, not you.
Time to work in your room, with the door locked if possible. Hang a sign that says "working, do not disturb"
I second this advice! Lock the bedroom door, and put up a sign so they will knowingly be disrespecting what youâve designated as time for work and studies. You need some boundaries. And start invoicing them if they interrupt your work hours, reminding them that you arenât being paid for the work you couldnât complete because of their interruptions.
And lock the door!
Is there a coffee shop, library, etc that you could use to study or work? maybe removing yourself physically is the easiest way to enforce that boundary. You said this started last week, have they still been leaving the baby with you since or are they magically figuring it out without you now?
Iâd go to the library or a coffee shop and work from there anytime the baby gets dropped off. Baby drop offâŠ.See Ya Later.
Just keep repeating "But I thought it took a village to raise a child" NTAH
Funny thing is, they did quote that to me
> AITA for forcing my family to babysit (so I won't have to)? You're damn right, you're not the asshole. You're standing up for your own time and boundaries. Is that so wrong? > My mom would drop the baby while I'm in the middle of my lessons because "you can always watch the recordings later" or "just ask someone to tell you what it was about." Thatâs absolute bullshit. Your education and work are as important as anyone elseâs commitments. Why should you be expected to drop everything because they can't manage their own schedules? > My breaking point happened last week when my mother and sister left the baby with me for a whole day because I mistakenly told them I didn't have to work... They took advantage of your honesty. Theyâre not respecting your time and using you as free labor. Is it fair to dump responsibilities on you just because youâre available? > Grandma and other members of the extended family were calling and sending me messages about the importance of helping family... Where the fuck were these people when you were stuck with the baby all day? It's easy to preach about helping family when they're not the ones being taken advantage of. Why should their convenience override your rights and time? > I sent a message to the family group chat saying that they were right, helping family is important... Damn straight. You turned their argument back on them and made them face their own hypocrisy. Why should it only be you who sacrifices for the family? > How come they were expecting me to be my sister's unpaid nanny, but then they get offended when the same thing is being forced on them? Exactly. They expect you to shoulder the burden, but when theyâre asked to step up, they whine and complain. Is it really about family support, or just using you because itâs convenient for them? > I may be the AH because I caused this and don't regret it one bit. Good. You shouldnât regret it. Sometimes, shaking things up is necessary to make people see the truth. Why should you feel guilty for demanding fairness and respect? In the end, the real question is: Why should you sacrifice your future and well-being for others who wonât do the same for you?
Perfect answer. Too bad I can only up vote it once.
NTA, and you came up with a damn good plan!
You are an intelligent young lady. So well handled! Please go to college and donât have a surprise baby that has to get pawned off on everyone else. You deserve every opportunity you can grasp. We need problem solvers like you in the world!
Thank you!!! and I won't. I'm childfree and I'm not currently in a relationship/interested in having one. I do feel sorry for baby nephew though, he's actually pretty chill and nice for a baby. Really hope my sister will put her shit together and be mom nephew deserves.
NTA. Tell your mom and sister if you wanted to watch a baby all day , youâd lay down and have one.
I think that was exactly what caused this. I'm childfree and I think my mom made me babysit in an effort make me change my mind. Spoiler: It didn't work.
As a fellow childfree person, this will always have the opposite effect.
OP's mom: "Looking after the baby doesn't take that much." Also OP's mom: "I don't want to take care of the baby. You do it."
I absolutely love this. Well done. How much time off from the child does your sister get at present?
I think is easier to tell you how much time my sister gets with baby. She's a paralegal at a law office, works from 8 to 5 monday-wednesday and friday. Between commuting and she and mom saying she needs time to eat and rewind, she gets the baby around 7 pm. Thursdays are home office, but because "home office is stil work", she won't watch the baby until the evening. Weekends: she'll have the baby on saturday evenings (mornings too, unless she goes to have brunch/coffee/whatever with her friends, not every saturday, to her credit), and Sundays is half-half, because we usually get together with the rest of extended familly and in the evening paternal grandparents will visit to bond with nephew. So, objectively, She does not really spend a lot of time alone with baby.
Your sister works from home one day per week, but neither she nor your mother understand that you also work when you're home? Talk about being intentionally obtuse.
So she doesn't even have a full weekend with her child? This is infuriating.
This is pretty saddening. Has she always palmed off her responsibilities to other people? Like pay you or bribe you to do her chores? It's always going to be hard for working mums, but is seems like a lot of active avoidance of parenting roles here, and I'm concerned that this child is going to not bond well with her, since its obvious that it's already spending it's formative years being passed around. I hope that she can find a way to become SIGNIFICANTLY more hands-on, with her TIME, not by buying things, as otherwise she may have some troubled years ahead.
Very well done, and just the right amount of petty. NTA, now the family is looking exactly where they need to be looking, at your sister, for being entitled, and your mother for endorsing it.
They are all pissed because the whole family expected you to knuckle under and meekly continue to bbabysit. Good for you! NTA. Especially your sister. She needs a reality check.
Evil genius, NTA. Â Itâs easy for extended family to tell you how you need to help. Â But when they get volunteered, suddenly family helps family doesnât ring so true.Â
This is just⊠*chefs kiss* âŠ. Fucking beautiful!!! OP, I applaud you and your incredibly shiny spine! NTA, not even in the slightest.
NTA. Outstanding job advocating for yourself while pointing out the actual root cause.
NTA I think what you did is brilliant! Although, I think your sister should be responsible for parenting her kid on any day or time she has off work. Don't let your mom dump the baby on you anymore. NO is a complete sentence. Also, learn to keep your mouth shut about days you aren't working. Learning to keep your schedule private from your family members always leaves room for you to escape "family" obligations by using work as an excuse.
NTA If family should support each other, then they need to start supporting you in your studies. When you first suggested the babysitting schedule, were you being serious or sarcastic? I have to admit I first thought you were being sarcastic and secretly applauded you. Then when I read your mom and sister loved this, I applauded you harder. LOL The fallout of them noticing your sister doesn't have the baby for a whole day is not your fault. Nobody judges us like our own families.
Honestly, I wasn't being all that serious. I mostly was angry and just wanted to prove my point. But given how it all blew up was way more than what I hoped for.
Nah it was perfect. You called their bluffâs and went into detail about when they were free.
You handled things beautifully! Please give us an update on how everything works out
NTA My family does this to me so I started âmaking plansâ that would always fall through at the last minute. I also installed a new lock on my door so none of them have access to me. I did not have a child so I did not sign up to be the sole caretaker of a child.
NTA they all got a dose of reality. Mom volunteered not you so grandma should be watching the baby. I was granny nanny for 2 kids still am after school. Itâs work.
NTA WAY TO GO! Just shows that people have a lot of opinions about shit when they arenât the ones being inconvenienced. But you not only showed how they could âdo as they sayâ but also how your sister (and Mother) take advantage of the âsister doesnât have any helpâ bs theyâve been claiming.
Ha ha well played my dear. When you were watching the baby and protested you were a spoiled brat and didnât recognize the âimportance of familyâ, when the baby is dropped on your family members all of a sudden your sister is an â irresponsible motherâ, just stand back and watch the fur fly.. Good job.
NTA. Your mom said SHE would be happy to babysit all the time. You did not, and you have a right to your own time and pursuits.
NTA Unfortunately you are in a situation where you will have to start telling partial truths to the family. Things like âI have to work today,â when in reality you may need to stop in, but not an entire shift. I would also not study or do other projects in the home during times in which babysitting may be needed. No matter where you live, the cost of childcare is insane. Trying to piecemeal childcare is also not a long-term solution (and one that child support will not even remotely cover). 8 month old babies eventually begin to crawl, to walk, to need more attention. Family members with mobility issues can help today, but they wonât when the child is 2. They have no hope once he is 3-4 and can take off on a bike or scooter.
NTA - too many people believe âI can do that to you but you canât do that to me!â
You took the right steps. Have you been taking project management or people management classes or something? NTA.
Not now but I plan to do so in the next months, hopefully, when this whole babysitting thing is solved and I'll have more free time.
NTA I LOVED this! Lmfaoo I wouldve gone further and asked, what the big change of heat was about?? When she didnt have the baby for a whole day, while YOU were watching him, her motherhood wasnt being questioned. Why are they so eager to question it now? Ooh right because they have to put their money where their mouth is now. Funny how all that help the family shit went right out the window. Funny how your mother said absolutely NOTHING to defend you, but was quick to run to the defense of your sister.
NTA. I was a single mom from the day my first child was born. The ex's parents were very supportive and took them a lot, which was appreciated but NEVER expected. In fact, when the kids were about 3 or 4 and 1 or 2 I decided that they were getting old and having the kids every weekend was probably hard on them. I also knew I could never ask them about it because if they were doing it solely to help me they'd never admit it and risk making me feel bad... so I decided one weekend when I wasn't working that I would keep them at home. By Tuesday they were on the phone calling me cause the missed the boys and didn't get to see them on the weekend. By Wednesday the boys were asking about seeing their grandparents and telling me they missed them, so I threw my hands up in the air and went with it for as long as it seemed to be working for bothđ€Ł At the end of the day, though, the decision to have sex, keep my babies, and raise them alone was my decision and the result of that my responsibility. And, frankly, it irritated me when I heard all the tales about how it was sooo hard being a single parent and how horribly people felt for me. There are some aspects that are harder, largely financial... but I did nothing that a married working mother doesn't do. As for the family... it's easy to volunteer other people's time (and money) but very very different when it comes to volunteering your own. You merely demonstrated that to them.
You handled that like a rockstar.
Start going to the library to work and study. Good wifi and maybe there's a coffee shop.
NTA Brilliant! Brava! *standing ovation* đđ»
NTA. And lol! on the schedule. Good job
NTA and good for you. Your mother should not be offering to watch the baby if she is not going to watch the baby. She should not be dropping the baby on you during the time she has offered to do it.. It doesn't matter if you're working or studying or just watching a movie or reading or doing nothing at all, unless you have offered your time. That was the perfect solution. Let the relatives who want to be supportive do it instead of putting it all on you.
NTA You family devalues the activities that are important to your education and career development when you do them from home. Becoming a parent is permanently life altering. That's the choice your sister made. It's HER life that now includes 24/7 responsibility for supervising and caring for her child. Your MOM volunteered to be the #1 babysitter, not you. How much have they paid you for your hours watching your nibling?
NTA but I think you need to stop babysitting. Change it and tell your mom you wonât babysit from now on and if she drops the baby on you, you will put the baby in a crib in her bedroom and ignore it. I know it seems cruel but do it once, take a pic and send to your mom: « Baby is in your room. I have work to do. Feel free to come babysit baby. » Or even less petty, just get out of the house. Go to a cafe to work. Close your door and put the key in it so no one can open it. Or buy something to keep door closed from your side, I am sure this exist. Write something on your door : « I am busy. Door is closed. My headphone is on. » If mom is not happy, and grandma start making a fuss or something. Send this: « Since yall seem to have time, come and get the baby. » Please donât let this go any longer. In 2 years you will be out of this house. How will they manage? They need to act as if you are not there and prepare for the future.
NTA Why even schedule yourself? Maybe once a month for a couple hours. Why is your sister, the one who chose to have the baby, entitled to everyone else's time, regularly, so she can have a break? She's the mother. She needs to look after her own spawn.
NTA. When your mom agrees to watch the baby, SHE should be watching the baby. That is not your responsibility. You are NOT a spoiled brat. Your sister is. Has she always been the golden child? Your extended family preaches about helping family when they donât actually have to do it, but when you made a schedule for them to help out, they want no part of it. That is pure hypocrisy. The schedule was good thinking on your part, as they think helping family is SO important, they should be willing to do their part. Donât put up with this any longer. Your studies and activities are just as important as your sisterâs work. Next time one of them drops the baby on your lap, say no. Easier said than done, but you need to stop them from taking advantage of you. Good luck.
NTA. Your family FAFO. Thatâs awesome. You had the perfect response!
Why is there so much babysitting one child?? Your sister can't work that much! When she isn't working then all responsibility is on her! NTA. Your family sure is!
You're NTA but you ARE hilarious. Well played!
NTA good on you for flipping it back on them.
Perfect response. No notes.
Lol, you are BRILLIANT! It's maddening when others reach out about how "selfish" a family member is for not doing XYZ, but never offer their own money, time, etc. I think what you did was perfect and btw, you were not a spoiled brat for not wanting to raise your sister's child. NTA
NTA. Itâs not fair for them to dump childcare on you without considering your own responsibilities. Your familyâs reaction just shows their hypocrisy.
I love those posts "you need to help family!" Okay then, same rules apply you, you can help this day. "I didn't mean I also needed to help my own family..." These people don't seem to realise their own hypocrisy
From my point of view, spoiles brats don't do courses and free lance jobs in order to prepare for the next moove. Also, NTA, of course.
Send the family members messages about the importance of them taking care of the child, not you. You did not sign up for this and no one signs up for a job and pawns it off on me.
Nta. You have no obligation to watch a child you didn't birth. Maybe the mom should demand 50/50 custody with the deadbeat Dad.
NTA your sister is the one who chose to have a baby... and do it with a completely absent father. Her child is not your responsibility. She's the spoiled brat for thinking she has the right to just dump her baby on you, especially so she can have free time to relax. Your mom's the one volunteering to babysit so she should be the one babysitting. Everyone else in the family seems to get to choose when and how they babysit, while they think it's ok to not give you a choice and just dump this baby on you, and that's not right at all. It's outrageous that they're all giving you shit while not stepping up to help out themselves. None of them get to monopolize your free time. Tell them to F off and refuse to tolerate their behavior. If your mom walks in with the baby, grab your stuff and tell her you have some place to be, and leave. If you're staying home, stand up to her before she even gets the chance to ask. Don't give her the chance to dump the baby on you. Give her a hard no and stand up to her. And if it were me, I'd be lining up my escape plan because as long as you live there, your mother is going to think she has the right to dump this baby on you. Find a way to move out on your own, even if it means just renting a room somewhere else.
NTA people are so free with voluntolding other peopleâs time then are all surprised pikachu face when asked to do the same
NTA... but it sounds like you might need to move out so they can't just spring the baby on you.
What are you studying? Because if it is not project management then you may be missing out on your calling here. 10 points, and NTA.
100% NTA! They say "well family is important, bla bla bla she needs help," but when YOU ask "well in that case, we should ALL babysit." They didn't like it! Let the drama go on. Maybe your sister gets a really check!
Nta. But they are not gonna do it. So be prepared. Spend your free time in library.
This is quite possibly the greatest Uno fucking Reverse card played.
That is one of the most amazing things Iâve ever read, yeah if they are good with telling you how important family is they should step up too. đ€Ł NTA
NTA and omg, do I feel this one on a personal level. My sister had a baby when she was in college. My mom is a mess, and I was still living with her to help her out, putting my entire paycheck toward helping her with rent, etc. My sister wanted to work an overnight shift and my mom volunteered to watch my nephew. Guess what happened? She went out every single night, leaving me with my nephew. I had zero time to myself. I adore my nephew and we have a special bond because of all that time we spent together. That said, I resented the hell out of my mother for putting me in that position. You are being parentified and it's not fair. Stick to your guns and let your sister figure the rest out. It may be a challenge for her, but so what? It's her kid, she can do the legwork to make sure her child is cared for when she's working.
You handled this BEAUTIFULLY!!
*Reads the title* YTA *Reads the post* NTA