Mate, you need som therapy ASAP, if you can take anything from what your sister is going through, take that you can't count on tomorrow, if you wife was killed in a car accident this weekend, would you regret that you put her on hold like this?
Your sister does not gain anything by you shutting down your relationship, and you may actually be holding hr back in her processing her grief and finding her way to happiness again, so for your sister, your wife and yourself, please get therapy asap
I agree. Therapy is a must. This is definitely enmeshment with the sister. It's good to be a supportive sibling but OP cannot separate his own feelings from his sisters. He's overly focused on the sisters grief and taking it on.
The getting put on hold thing is real. I think everyone can sympathize with needing a few months to work through grief, and much longer for primary family members (partner, child, parent). But to put your relationship on the back burner, for lack of better words, an in-law is not a great path to be on a year out… definitely need some therapy before you lose more due to something you already can’t get back
This….even just general counseling at this point. He started the post off with childhood trauma as well. It’s okay to not be okay, but you need to have the tools to continue to navigate life. He’s going to slowly crumble his own marriage because he’s seeing things from his perspective, but not the wife’s who also has feelings and likely missing the connection. Not a good partner to be neglecting your own marriage when you could be getting help.
There's a very good reason for that. those who don't understand the dynamic will never fully grasp why. Child abuse is a hard thing that most people don't acknowledge because of the stigma around it and even fewer get the help they need. Him and his sister went through a serious shared trauma and it has linked then in a way that goes beyond the normal sibling relationship.
Man, this may sound horrible to say but...
I wish I could get it.
I would never wish it on anyone else, but I think having someone share my experience might have done a whole lot of validating to me, knowing I wasn't alone, that it wasn't absolutely my fault, that I wasn't a monster.. idk.
And I know it's a horrible thing to say, but, at same time...
I'm in the same boat. It took me a long time to get it. I rationalized it for years, "it's not as bad as all that", "it's perfectly normal behavior", "I don't have a reason to complain, some kids live in crack houses". 40 years away from that situation and I still suffer from it's effects. Feelings of worthlessness, being unwanted, not good enough for anyone to love. It takes a while to get it, and to be blunt, you can't get it alone. Despite what you were probably led to believe, getting help is not a bad thing.
Exactly. Right there with you. It can also be really hard to break free. But while I wouldn't wish any of it on people, it's nice to know I'm not alone, and not crazy. I'm still working through my stuff. However, my situation is a bit different in that instead our stuff bringing us closer, my sister and I were forced apart. It's only recently that we started talking after a long time, and we realized so much of our shit is our mother's fault. We know we have stuff to work on, but at least we understand where things stem from.
Oh for sure. It's one of those weird things because you wish you had someone who understands first hand but at the same time glad no one does because that would mean they had to go through the same thing you did and that's horrible.
I will say that this is a very "grass is greener" take. My siblings and I all experienced the same trauma from our father but I was the youngest and was left in the house with the worst of it. My siblings still refuse to acknowledge that with me and at this point 20 years later that's what hurts more than anything.
I'm so sorry for your trauma and the loneliness in it. Just know that your experiences are your own and we can't ever guarantee that if "things had been different" it would be easier to overcome. I admire your strength and courage coping with it alone in whatever way you could.
It doesn't always end up like OP and his sister.
Sometimes you get hurt worse.
I had siblings that went through the same abuse I did (I was the oldest so had it the worst tho) and the sister I was closest to actually sided with our parents when I went no contact. She actually stopped talking to me and my children (who adored her) because I cut my parents off for nearly killing my son.
yeah like it’s totally understandable to be in a state for a couple weeks or months but if it’s been a year & there’s no improvement like that’s genuinely concerning
Maybe he feels guilty carrying on with his marital life while his sister is, on the other hand, alone and suffering. Trauma isn't logical and the aftershocks can be confusing. OP, I am so sorry. You are a very caring brother, and you are also hurting. Seek out counseling for yourself and your wife. And please know that you deserve to be happy. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m glad someone picked up on that! Maybe he feels “guilty” giving his time/attention to his wife over his sister? I’m not saying physical incest, but emotionally something is screwed up royally.
He does mention some enmeshment due to the abuse he and his sister experienced growing up. I think he probably also has some guilt that his own life hasn’t been affected the way his sister’s life has been. He hears/sees how his sister is suffering since her husband died, and feels guilty that he is enjoying things while his sister is so miserable.
I was thinking this, and he might be semi-conciously/unconciously performing an act of self sabotage. If he thinks this is what's happening he might need a reminder that his relationship failing isn't what his sister would want for him. He might also need some counselling to make sure he maintains a good headspace, and he needs to remember that you can't pour from an empty cup.
Its fine for libido to be low at times, but he might need
to talk to his wife and make sure he's taking steps to preserve his own life. Maybe theres a compromise of more toys for her in the meantime or maybe it would help if he made time for just them and set a mood to increase his libido.
Totally understand the terminology. When my gramma died my mom wouldn’t eat for a couple weeks. Just coffee. Kept refusing food saying if my mom can’t eat neither can I. 😟 I think he feels guilty to have a loving relationship with his wife while his sister has tragically lost hers.
This! When my mother was dying from cancer, I would cry my eyes out after having sex with my then boyfriend. I felt guilty for enjoying life while she couldn’t, and that broke me. Then she died and sex was the furthest thing from my mind for at least the first year. I was single by then, so it was easier for me to stay stuck in that mode. It took me a long time to get out of that, and I’ve done A LOT of therapy.
My brother and I were raised in a super fucked up house, I left at 18, he stayed. I’m in my mid thirties now and my brother has been attached at the hip to our mother all these years. It’s not a physical thing but it’s the most co dependent relationship you can imagine. Trauma breeds these types of relationships. The thing is, this man is going to ruin his marriage. Why is he feeling guilty for having sex with his wife??? I truly feel for her, she’s being neglected big time, he needs therapy before he ends up divorced and then he’ll have all the time in the world to spend with his sister.
This. It suggests that his loss of interest in sex is somehow a sense that it’s unfair for him to have a happy marriage when his sister is a widow, or that he owes his attention and affection to his sister now rather than to his wife.
He needs counseling to really understand his emotions here.
I agree, this is how it see it. He feltt guilty the day after he had sex with his wife. This must be because his sister is alone. Conunseling is needed for the sake of his marriage.
I don’t know if grief is exactly what’s going on for him. He barely mentions the BIL, sounds more like his issue is that he’s letting himself get consumed by his sister’s pain.
Very much so. Depression and grief can crash it to nothing. Not to mention the worry and anxiety he is probably carrying for his sister.
OP, do you and your wife both a favor and seek therapy or grief counseling. It’s not only the spouse that needs it. Time alone may not heal this wound. And you deserve to get better. It will also allow you to be there for your sister.
This was your loss too.
I second this. Grief is a complete libido killer for me too, OP. I went through severe trauma, and it affected my sex life for the next 10 years until I started seeing a therapist. It's long, hard work but it's so worth it. Please don't stop looking for a therapist until you find one that you mesh with. It can take a long time to even find a good therapist 🥵 for anyone who needs to hear this, do not stop trying to find that therapist that meshes with you. If you go on psychologytoday.com and enter in your credentials, they will bring you up everybody in your area that's in your network, and you can see who they are and what they specialize in. It's how I found my therapist I've had for the last 4 years. You've got this people
You need grief counseling to help with the loss of BIL and also the loss of “true” parents who would nurture and protect you. You never had that and you are mourning that loss of a relationship. Been through it myself.
I almost think his grief for his BIL is more so from the pain his sister is experiencing. I can't imagine the mental toll of his sister calling him at all hours crying for a year is having on him. My guess would be that he feels guilty because he has his SO, and his sister doesn't. He may feel guilty because he gets to have a marriage and sex while his sister is suffering from the loss of hers.
From his description of it that's what it sounds like. That's what I think makes this such a big issue. He recognizes it is enmeshment on a level, but is he willing to do anything about it?
He should absolutely be supporting his sister and he should absolutely be allowed space to grieve his brother-in-law if he is in his own grief.
Also while I like to have sex everyday I understand that once a week is pretty normal for a lot of married couples. It's not like he isn't engaging at all.
But it seems like he feels he is not allowed to be happy until his sister is happy again. He's not even allowed to experience pleasure or sex with his own wife because his sister is grieving. That's a serious issue that will have far reaching and long-lasting implications into the marriage.
The problem isn't that he doesn't want to have sex more frequently, libido mismatches happen all the time. But the fact that he feels guilty after sex because his sister is sad and grieving makes this veer into very unhealthy territory.
I have trouble calling him the asshole on anything but a technicality. This isn't asshole behavior so much as a trauma response. And he also shouldn't be pressured into sex he doesn't want to have, ever.
But he still needs to go to therapy and address his enmeshment with his sister because it is going to destroy his marriage, and every other relationship he has afterwards if he is not careful. He deserves to be able to love his sister and other people at the same time. His wife deserves a partner that won't disengage from her because his sister is going through a difficult time.
He needs professional assistance. Perhaps it's YTA on a technicality. Or NAH, but please go to therapy because this is destructive.
I think you hit the mail on the head. The situation is absolutely complicated, acknowledging that and continue to not do a single thing about it 100% makes OP the AH. My sister and I are super close but if her husband died it would be weird AF for me to feel guilty for being intimate with me with bc her husband died.
The only thing I would call him an AH on, is the fact he has been basically ignoring his wife’s pleas for help. She has tried giving him space, she’s tried dealing with once a week sex, she’s tried the communication route. But I have yet to see where OP has tried to find a solution other than brushing off his wife and carrying on.
Especially now. She has made it clear that this is a problem for her, and still a year out, he doesn’t want to find a solution. He just expects her to keep giving him time. I have a feeling if his wife saw him trying - grief counseling, a therapist, anything, she would be more willing to give him some space. But at this point she’s just supposed to take his word on it that it’ll get better…eventually.
Also, if he feels guilty after sex, I’m guessing that he also hasn’t been affectionate towards his wife, cuddling has diminished, general intimacy has taken a nose dive - not just the sex. This is usually more of an issue in deadish bedroom situations than the sex itself, but people can’t quantify holding hands and brief kisses throughout the day easily, so they approach the subject as it being focused on the sex itself.
This is more serious than I think OP thinks it is. If this was because of his grief alone, it might be different as well, but a lot of this seems to stem from him *feeling guilty about his sister not having her husband, while he has his wife*. So he has essentially prioritized his sister’s feelings over his own, which also means that he has prioritized his sister’s feelings OVER his wife’s as well. That’s not a good feeling for the wife - especially if she’s well aware that this isn’t just *HIS* grief, but his guilt about his sisters.
Obviously he isn’t intentionally being an asshole, but I think he is seriously underestimating how MASSIVE of an issue this is. And at the end of the day, even if you aren’t trying to be an asshole, it doesn’t mean your actions won’t reflect that, and the consequences of those actions will still come calling.
I agree. I would even say this is a NAH situation.
It’s not his fault that his grief, guilt, and need to be his sister’s protector since they were children, make it hard to want to have sex all the time. It’s not his wife’s fault that it’s taking a toll on her, and it’s not his sister’s fault that the one other man who made her feel safe besides her brother is dead. OP would absolutely benefit from counseling! It doesn’t sound (to me at least) that their marriage is in unsalvageable territory yet, but this dynamic isn’t sustainable for anyone!
I wish so much healing for him and his sister.
I feel like the sister needs a therapist and to stop calling him at all hours. I have an adult daughter who suffers from chronic pain. I am her support person. I also suffer from depression. She would often wake up sobbing in the middle of the night. I finally sat her down and told her I cannot be your sole source of emotional support. I hired a therapist who specialized in chronic pain management. Now my daughter is 25 so she’s not a kid. The therapist talked about compassion fatigue. The only way for me to survive this emotionally is to try and shut down and it’s bad for my mental health. She had to learn to self soothe sometimes. So now she will come wake me up sometimes, but she’s better at comforting herself.
I guess this is my long winded way of saying that his sister is relying on him for emotional support in a way that isn’t mentally healthy for either of them. She needs more help processing her grief, and he can’t be her round the clock therapist. He needs to have a conversation with her about how these phone calls are affecting him mentally. Maybe come up with other people she can call. She needs a support system and it can’t be 100% her brother. I don’t see this as a sex problem, but a state of mind problem. He can’t heal and move forward until she stops using him as an emotional crutch.
Sort of a Survivor's Guilt. I feel for the wife. She's the invisible victim in all of this. Husband is always available to give and give to his sister, but there's nothing left for his wife. I suspect OP shuts his wife out emotionally as well. The sister is the one who should be giving OP space. It's been a year. She should reduce a portion of her neediness some.
I've been in a similar situation with a family member. I felt like their unqualified therapist. I had to ask them to stop. The mental load was too much for me. I felt like my relationship suffered when theirs did. There is a line between being there for someone and this. I agree. I think this goes deeper than sex. His wife might be thinking if they get their sex life back to normal, other things will go back as well.
I'd never even met my best friends dad but I cried buckets with her cos she loved him and I love her and she was in pain. We're also from (different types of) tough childhood and consider each other family. But - we continued to live and it wasn't helpful to her to have us all wallow because she needed us to provide normalcy.
Grief is so so so fucking hard as well. I still, 10 years after my dad dying, catch myself from time to time going "I can't wait to tell my dad about this".
If the answer is "because I could miss my sister calling", it's time to end the nightly phone calls.
Your sister is an adult now, and in therapy. It's time you get into therapy yourself, and it's time to stop the enmeshment again.
When he said enmeshment, my mind went to him somewhat taking on the role of a partner to his sister when she's single. So now that she's a widow... Maybe he feels like he's cheating on her.
His definition of his role as a child was that of a father to his sister. Their relationship is not healthy. I don’t think this is grief for the BIL as much as a father very worried about his child. They were forced into these roles by a violent parent. While his sister was happy he managed to carry on with life. Now his child’s sadness has shot his anxiety into the heavens.
I think it’s more of OP’s sense of resource allocation. We all have finite resources to spread, time is our most valuable one of them, and someone OP cares deeply for is going through a grief that OP can probably imagine (OP comes across as a pretty empathetic person, or someone capable of being very empathetic) to the point of being able to *feel* like his sister does. He is climbing down into the hole with her to keep her company, and when he climbs out he won’t go outside of eyeshot of his sister “because she *needs*” OP.
This is not a wild take: if his sister decided to just change who she calls, or stopped calling and had effective therapy, OP would not be in this situation. I just had a similar situation in my life, and I didn’t realize how “in it” I was until it just went away. I was the only person who would respond and be there, and I spent all the time in between “emergencies” feeling guilty about not doing more for them. It weighed on me constantly and would creep up during commutes, times of feeling like crap about myself, etc.
I didn't think about this. Kinda disturbing. I did think while reading this that the only reason he has been able to have such a good marriage at first is because his sister was in a relationship.
Exactly. Some of this phrasing made me think this, too. He’s choosing his sister and their grief over his wife and it’s apparently a pattern he recognizes from their past but will he do anything about it?
I don’t think it’s weird tbh. Survivor’s Guilt, Trauma Bonding, grief, childhood trauma - it’s complicated shit. Sounds like the OP needs support & professional guidance.
You need therapy yourself your so willing to be the support for your sister to the undoing of your own relationship with your wife
Not sure if your an asshole but you have to realise the damage and distance your doing to your own marriage
Intended to be for OP but replied one down. Whoops
I literally just lost a marriage over a similar situation only a few months ago. My wife lost her father and brother years ago but hasn’t found appropriate closure and it was instead a barrier that was easier to put up when I tried to request she focus on me rather than the past.
It may be helpful to look up avoidant and ambivalent attachment as the two styles of non-stable attachment. I was incredibly ambivalent so was constantly wanting her to reassure me that she loved me and her rejection of my advances wasn’t because of a fault in me, increasing and decreasing with the stresses of the day.
She was avoidant and just wanted to be left alone to consider her thoughts, enjoyed her independence and didn’t want to rely on anyone else.
Because we didn’t have a common language and a key shared value focus, instead of focusing on the future together, we became only focused on eachother as barriers to where we individually wanted to be.
Learn from my mistakes, don’t ask people to validate your choices to be distant from the woman you are married to. Instead ask yourself if she is happy and genuinely consider how you can be happier by changing your thought process to not view her as a burden but as a support network that isn’t being given clear instructions, only mines to avoid.
I hope you both can find a common language to discuss your concerns, I know you’re hurting right now, but it absolutely sucks to know if someone had given you a template or things to Google it might have changed an outcome. I don’t regret my divorce, but I do empathise with your struggles and will straight up say there are people who would love to hear your thoughts and could help let you and your sister be happier faster if you reach out. Professionally, or just casually, even just here on reddit.
Hope you feel better soon brother (OP, but also first replier, you’re cool too.)
This is an amazing post and I really hope OP not only reads it, but takes it to heart. You’ve clearly done the work and understand the situation in a way that most others can’t.
Hugs to you internet stranger. I hope your days get better and brighter.
Thanks mate. I felt intense shame and guilt for having “failed” in my marriage, but I also feel many will have a sense of kinship with the either the wife or husband in this relationship.
The ambivalent vs Avoidant vs Stable is very generic by design, similar to “love languages”, schema therapy and horoscopes in that you get out what you’re searching for. I’ve been searching for answers to understand why I do what I do, late diagnosed ADHD means I talk too much, too emotional and bang like a rabbit, which isn’t for everyone. It also means I can speedrun grief and be incredibly self-aware simply because I’m more emotional, so swings and roundabouts.
In this particular case, when one partner is distant and the other is desperate, conflict is inevitable unless communication is clear and focused on information being received as intended rather than sent to prove a point. I’ve just finished an amazing book by A Smolarski
“Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids: The Attachment Theory Guide to Raising Kids in Two Homes” which may not be relevant specifically, but holy shit did it just highlight the problems in my marriage without even needing to have a child.
The older generation never got the chance to have the insane amount of information we have at our fingertips now, the younger generations are being raised to be self-aware and so incredibly engaged, I’m hopeful for the future. I just hope Disney starts normalising the idea that co-parenting and amicable separation is the design goal at any time of your life. From your first dalliances with strong feelings all the way through to gaining STD’s in a retirement home. People deserve love, but they gotta be ready to love too.
Or as Ru Paul would say. “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?' (Can I get an amen up in heayuhh)
I like to think of it as weaponizing grief. Instead of processing what happened and trying to move forward him and his sister are using it as an excuse to stay perpetually sad. Which tbh the bil wouldn’t want that from either of them.
I’m not sure if I agree, losing a spouse is horrible. My aunt lost her husband (my uncle) of 30 years a year ago and even in a few days after his death she was physically different, and now her personality is changed, she’s the same person but there’s a noticeable sadness in what she does even when she’s happy.
Here OP’s sister doesn’t have parents to support her, it sounds like her brother and husband were her only family. If prior to her marriage she relied on OP a lot for emotional support, it might be all that she knows, so it might not be malicious from her to call often. I also don’t think it’s an attempt to be “perpetually sad”, the first year after a death is the hardest because all the first “without” are there. I do think that as the months go, there needs to be boundaries put in place and that OP needs to go to therapy for his grief + childhood trauma, and maybe him and his sister could go to family therapy to learn strategies to support each other without it leading to emechment
It actually sounds like the sister's way of processing childhood trauma is by putting all her emotional eggs in 2 baskets... Her late husband and now her brother. I would be interested to know if his sister has any outside friends or support systems besides the brother. If not, sister and brother both need counseling to learn you have to seek support from multiple people otherwise when one passes away or cannot be that support, they crumble.
As someone doing alright in life who could probably hack being a single parent and fulfill my job duties, I don’t know how I could personally ever move on if I lost my wife.
I could see “Weaponized grief” if OP is completely ignoring his wife, putting her down for wanting normalcy, calling her horrible for ignoring his sadness, having sudden **but intentional** shifts in behavior and blaming the grief.
Not going to call you an AH but you need to figure out what is causing the guilt because you say your wife has been supportive but there comes a point where she’s going to be hurt that you find sex with her a chore and something to be guilty about. You need to figure out how to be supportive of your sister without carrying her grief or feeling guilty for still having a partner before you don’t have a partner
And it seems to me that the wife doesn’t even know what’s going on. He really needs to deal with this. Not necessarily to have a higher libido , maybe that will take some time. But the guilt? That guilt is misplaced.
I don't think I could ever have sex with my partner again if I found out he viewed sleeping with me a chore. I'd rather have no sex than loveless sex.
He and his sister are both not going to have spouses here soon
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for you and your sister growing up that way. I am so sorry that she lost her husband. But it is time for some therapy for yourself.
And here is why. It’s really good that you encourage her to get counseling for her grief. But each one of you needs counseling for your trust and enmeshment issues.
Right now, your emotions for yourself are so bottled up that it is affecting you mentally and physically. It is incredibly understanding that having sex with your wife has become a little bit of a chore for you because you are dealing with some feelings that don’t even realize yet.
What are the things when you were the strong person in the family, so to speak, is that you wind up, shouldering the emotional burden for others in the family. And you often do so to the detriment of yourself and your own relationships. And that is so incredibly unhealthy.
And in this case, not only is it affecting you, it’s affecting your wife. And I don’t think you ever meant for that to happen. I don’t think you ever wanted that to happen. I just don’t think you have the tools to extricate yourself from what is happening in your life.
My best guess is that you feel that you have to be the strong one for your sister. That you have to make certain she is OK after all of this because “she has no one else. I can see you taking that stance for a short amount of time. So it’s really good. You told her to get into therapy.
But the bigger issue is that nobody, not you, not her husband, not her best friend, should be your sisters, emotional support animal. I understand why it all came about, but it is not healthy, and it is not sustainable. What happens to her if something happens to you?
The trauma you guys experienced that children is still biting you both in the ass. Each one of you need a therapist who is well-versed in CPTSD. Someone who can help you overcome the distress. The inability to form some attachments. The need in your case to always be the strong one.
Each one of us has to learn to handle the shit that happened in our lives. Because there might not always be a brother or a sister. Or a grandparent or a best friend. And so if we don’t example these things and recognize how they are affecting us in our day-to-day life, Exactly what is happening with you and your wife is often one of the outcomes.
A stressor of some sort hits us so incredibly hard that we basically shut down our relationships or at work. Or with our friends, etc. And it’s because we don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with all of these other people that we know are not currently in crisis as is the family member that needs us. So we close off from the people that we know can deal with life, and we run to help the one that we know can’t deal with life.
But again, that is only sustainable for so long. Often, before we know it, we have sent ourselves and our own relationship into crisis. In the meantime, we have only enabled our family member to stay in crisis mode. Getting in the therapy is a start, but if you have damaged your own relationships, be it at home or at work or with friends, you are now going to have to do work to fix those.
And that same work has to address while all this happened in the first place. It has to address healthy ways to deal with your past trauma, and deal with your sister and getting her help as well.
I’m wishing you the best. I can tell you love your wife. And I can tell she loves you. But you can’t be the emotional support person for your sister indefinitely. You have to help her learn to manage things because God forbid, if something happens to you, I don’t know what will become. And of course, your goal is always that you want her to be healthy and able to move forward as well.
u/ComplexToes, please read this comment because it is the best one by far. I think this poster is spot-on: your role within your family is Protector of your sister, so when she's suffering and you can't solve her problem, it's like you're abandoning her. Feeling guilty about having sex with your wife fits right in to this framework of trauma and guilt bestowed on you by your fucked-up father. (Right there with you BTW, although I'm female & it affects me differently.)
As everyone is saying, please get therapy for your trauma. Not just to improve relationships with the women in your life, although it would be worth doing just for that. But YOU deserve to talk to someone. YOU deserve someone to 'look after you' emotionally. The boy you were needs the comfort and reassurance he was cruelly denied for so many years.
A good therapist won't tell you you're wrong to feel guilty. They won't judge you. They'll encourage you to untangle WHY you feel guilty, and (overly) responsible for your sister's wellbeing. And I promise you, you will suddenly SEE for yourself that it's not necessary and doesn't help your sister or you, and it will feel like the sun has come out from behind a wall of grey cloud, because you will also know that you love your sister and you CAN be there for her, but you don't need to sacrifice yourself for her, not at all, because looking after yourself is a virtuous circle, it will benefit not just you but your sister and your wife too.
Please do this for yourself. I wish I'd done it earlier. But it's worth it whenever you start, and in this case it will benefit *three* people immensely. Most of all, you, which is as it should be because (1) you can only change yourself (2) you can only help others when you're not drowning yourself and (3) as much as you love these two women, you MUST care for yourself first because you only have this one life.
Wishing you all the strength, healing and joy in the world. ❤
This was beautiful. Thank you for touching on the extra things that I wanted to say, but for God’s sake, it was so long already!
Thank you for sharing as well. Sometimes just knowing we are not the only ones is that little push we need to take that step.
Hugs!
Ooof, seriously, not trying to turn this into a circle-jerk but after dozens of simplistic, scolding (even if well-meaning) replies, yours was such a pleasure to read. All of it! This is why I enjoy Reddit - you get to learn from, and with, some truly wise peeps. 😍
🫂😎
This is the best comment! I was surprised people only mentioned grief counseling. They both need trauma therapy, cause that's the root cause of all of this. I hope OP sees your comment ❤️🩹
I surely do also. Those poor siblings are still reeling from the effects of their childhood. I am honestly so proud of them that they were able to have these adult relationships and have them last. That’s uncommon.
I’m really hope that they both get that family therapy for survivors of childhood abuse. If it’s easier for them to do zoom sessions together, then do it. If it’s easier to do that separately, then do it.
But I just so hope that they get the help they need so that they can continue moving forward with their lives.
You are too enmeshed in your sisters grief I think. It’s great to support her but your life should not be affected to this extent . Are you guilty about sex and having any enjoyment because your sister is hurting ?? Is it going to help anyone if your relationship falls apart because of your sisters grief ? Because where do you see it going ? I suppose if you get divorced it will give you more time for your sister but when she starts to feel better and starts dating again and you are divorced still and alone ? You need therapy to put your sisters grief in perspective ! And your own grief for Bil but a year later this is not a healthy place to be in still .
Prolonged sexual incompatibility leads to misery for at least one of the partners. I'm not saying force yourself to have sex. I'm saying you need to get therapy for this.
The most depressing stories on dead bedrooms are the ones where their partner opts not to address a physical or mental health issue.
This is so random, but to give another reason… Well I’m pregnant and the first trimester/second trimester I had bleeding so was put on pelvic rest. Middle of second tri got to have sex again. Third trimester now, 32 weeks and everything in my body including my lady bits is extremely uncomfortable. It sucks so much because I miss it and I know my husband misses it. I guess mine falls under physical though.
Money, time, emotions, past trauma that may not be consciously known about, the body holds trauma and a lot of people don’t remember or find out until later on in life.
why are you acting like he was YOUR husband?... we understand that you are very close to your sister, but why are you ruining your marriage by grieving your sister's husband like you loved him more than her?
you need counseling more than she does. you are nuking your own marriage for nothing.
To me it reads more like he is too in love with and intertwined with his sister. He doesn’t seem to really be grieving over his BIL, but instead blowing up his whole life because his sister is upset.
You’re not an AH but if you don’t get some therapy for yourself too and work through this, you’re going to damage your marriage irreparably if this goes on long enough. Sex may not be the most important aspect of a relationship, but intimacy is still important, and to many, they view sex as a love language. I would suggest getting some counselling for yourself, and in the meantime, find other ways to experience intimacy with your wife that doesn’t have to lead to sex. Hold hands while you watch a movie or take a walk, take a bubble bath together, kiss her and hold her frequently, and so on. She may be craving closeness with you more than anything, and feeling your grief has distanced you from her.
I let my grief over the loss of my father turn into a deep depression that lasted years and ruined a relationship. Trust me when I say that while you aren’t wrong for how your feeling, if you don’t take steps to feel better, then you will only end up feeling worse and worse until you’re life starts to fall apart too.
A year is a long time for you to be grieving like this. Not saying it's not okay to still be upset about it but it's to the point that it's affecting your marriage..if you don't seek some help, you're going to be grieving the loss of your BIL and your marriage.
It's okay to mourn, but your wife is your priority. Your mourning can't be used as an excuse to let your relationship with your wife die. You need to deal with this, or you will lose your wife.
You’re too enmeshed in your sister if her grief is affecting your relationship this much. Therapy for you 100% and YTA if you don’t get it soon. I would also suggest you recommend therapy to your sister. You really need to figure out why the fuck you feel guilty about having sex with your wife.
You need to seek therapy for yourself before you tank your relationship. Your wife has been patient and understanding so far, but that's only going to last so long.
You need to process your own grief and work on your enmeshment issues.
Did your sister get engaged or married before you?
Would you have even gotten married if your sister hadn’t found someone for herself prior? It seems you put your sister above yourself but you have to remember you have your wife now.
You can have an active, loving and supportive relationship with your sister without it harming your own marriage.
Have you heard the saying, ‘misery loves company?’
It sounds like you need major therapy or you’re going to potentially end up single.
In a fucked up way it almost seems like you’d be fine with that because in your mind you’d be able to be on 24/7 call for your sister and you’d both be hurting, evening the score somewhat. It’s as if you believe if your sister isn’t happy you aren’t allowed to be.
This is extremely unhealthy and self destructive.
I could be off base but that was where my mind first went. I’ve seen people like that and it was extremely toxic and ended in heartbreak if the individuals caught in the crossfire.
You don’t have to rub your own happiness in her face but you can still be happy in your own marriage even while your sister is hurting.
Please get therapy before your wife becomes a victim with the loss of her husband and marriage.
Please don’t believe you can’t have anything your sister doesn’t have. Marriage, family, kids, home, etc.
So you’re saying you feel guilty after sex now…. For what?
About enjoying the fact your spouse is still alive? If your sister is a good person I’m sure she is very glad you are not enduring the same thing she’s going through. I understand a trauma bond, but the way you make it sound sounds so much more…. Sexual than it should be.
Imagine if the roles were reversed and your wife cut you off for a year because she had to talk to her brother all the time and didn’t want you anymore. You’d probably feel hurt and ignored when you did nothing wrong.
Your sister is an adult and in therapy. She doesn’t need two therapists. Especially considering you are sacrificing your own relationship with a woman who’s been supportive of you and your sister.
YTA, honestly. I feel for your sister, and I know you feel bad for her, but your question was in regards to sex with your wife. So yes.
>So you’re saying you feel guilty after sex now…. For what?
I get the impression that he's gone past the point of just empathy and is actually taking on the feelings of grief for his sister and death of his BIL and feels guilty enjoying things in life when they can't. It's a people pleaser behaviour and a kind of stress that keeps you paralysed from doing things you enjoy until you can solve their problem...its unhealthy and needs intervention. In this case it's probably come from that trauma bond as you mentioned because he's had to protect her and it's just continued, but manifested in an unhealthy way 😢.
I can't see any other reason for guilt, that's my take on the first question.
This situation makes me wonder if they were sexually abused as children. I've worked in mental health my entire life and have literally never heard of a situation where the brother's sex life was negatively impacted for an entire year by his sister's husband dying. There is some symbolic stuff going on in this situation that beggars belief.
It almost feels like the OP was his sister's pseudo life partner during the time they were being abused only instead of feeling obligated to have sex with her, his job was to protect her from being forced to have sex. That's one reason he came to blows so often with his father.
He was happy when another man stepped in to console and protect his sister but when he died OP is somehow mentally back in the partner/protector role.
Since no one is threatening the sister sexually, he has no reason to be on guard about sexual things anymore but those instincts are still present so he has transferred them onto his own relationship. Now, on a less than conscious level his wife has become a stand in for the sister and he is limiting her sexual contact for no reason he can discern.
It FEELS to the OP like he's doing the right thing because he's very triggered, especially when his sister is calling and being extremely emotional, like she did when they were being abused. In his mind, he needs to take action but in this new context there is no action to be taken because there is no longer an abuser. When you add the excessive amounts of guilt and empathetic grief he feels towards the sister, not having any or very much sex with his wife starts to make more sense.
I guess what I'm saying is this situation is exponentially more complicated than it appears at first glance. OP needs individual therapy immediately to help him unpack what is going on in his head. AND I'm not sure this is complicated grief related for the OP even though it clearly is for the sister, so I'm not sure a grief therapist is in order for him.
Happened to me a couple of years ago and the relationship ended. I wish I would have found a way to deal with the grief earlier and allowed myself joy even if other ppl were dead or suffering. It’s not helpful if you are choosing to suffer as well. Life has to go on.
Im gonna be blunt, your BILs death blowing up your sex life for over a year because of how intertwined you are in your sisters grief management is absolutely crazy. YTA to your wife.
Fuck. Finally! This whole thread is so gentle and sensitive which is nice but does *anyone* give a shit about OPs *actual wife*? She certainly doesn't deserve this.
Honestly poor ops wife. Sex with her is a chore and causing him guilt..
If she finds this post and left the marriage, i couldn't say I'd blame her.
Grief is complex but this goes beyond it. Op needs therapy and needed it a long time ago. As does his sister.
YTA you feel guilty about having sex with your own wife because your sister is going through a hard time for like a year. I can’t follow your logic on this one. From your wives perspective you are punishing her and ruining the marriage over a death of someone that lived in another state for like a year. You need to heal or get therapy yourself before you lose your partner too and your sister won’t be a comfort to you because she not that emotional strong
Sorry, what now? You don't like to fuck anymore because your sister's husband died? A year ago? My dude, it's time to get your head shrunk. Find a professional to help sort out whatever concoction of grief and childhood trauma has got you twisted up. You're not an asshole, just go get the help you need.
Literally... He feels guilty after having sex w his own wife? 🥴 he can recommend therapy / grief counseling for his sister but can't recognize that he obviously needs it himself? Wiiiiild
Actually, YES, you are the AH. You gave your sister the site of a good counselor; now you need to talk to one yourself. You seem to have a good handle on the problem of enmeshment with your sister, but you now need to learn how to disentangle from her. While being close to her is nice and comforting, you also have a wife who is part of your life. It is unfair of you to expect her to put her life on hold for an unlimited time. She has a right to rely on you and expect certain things from her marriage. When you married her, you pledged to put her first; you are not doing that. Your marriage won't last with her on the back burner. Death is always difficult, but you need to learn to find comfort in your wife--that's why you married her. She has graciously stepped back to allow you to comfort your sister, but you are taking her for granted. Sex is a great stress release that you may find you need more than you realized. You may end up being sorry if you keep turning your wife down. Listen to what your wife is asking for, and really hear her. she is your future, not your sister.
YTA. You and your sister need therapy. Y'all relying too much on each other at these big ages. She needs some friends as well because why is she bugging you all the time? It's nice y'all love each other but damn it sound like she might as well be your wife instead of your actual wife.
I mean technically YTA, your wife should be your priority. That's sad it's been a year and you're still grieving hard, you should probably get therapy then because it's going to strain your marriage if this continues. Unless you want to grieve because your wife left you.
Get help from a grief counselor. This grief you have is more than just your BIL passing away, and IMO, you feel guilty because you have your wife and your sister is alone. Having sex makes you feel guilty because your sister isn't happy, and your sister won't let you heal and move on.
If you don't get help, you will single handedly end your marriage. I also think that you are neglecting your marriage along with your wife.
Your wife will leave you, and you will realize it when it's too late. I also think that you are going to have all the space you want and need because I think that it's too late for you and too much for you to handle.
Very soft YTA, you said it yourself, you have emeshment issues with your sister. That alone can destroy any romantic relationship. When you married your wife, you agreed to make each other your priority. Your wedding vows might have even included a "forsaking all others."
Your sister, depending on you to this degree, doesn't sound normal. It's likely she transferred her reliance on you to her husband. Now that he has passed its back to you.
It seems like your sister may be expecting complicated grief. She needs to continue treatment. It is likely you need therapy as well (both couples and individual).Therapy may help you in establishing boundaries with your sister and dealing with all of the feelings from the past year.
I'm not a therapist, but I would start by turning my phone on DND at a certain hour, like 8 or 9 pm. I would schedule time each week (like date night)to reconnect with your wife. You may even need certain times each day (like dinner time) where you avoid phone calls and spend time talking. If I were you, I would tell my sister I love you, but this is affecting my mental health and my marriage.
Yea dude u told ur sister to seek therapy u definitely need to speak to someone. Can’t understand why u would feel guilty after having sex with ur wife.
Well, I hope your sister is grateful for your support and will be there when your wife leaves you. Which she will. You need help. You are grieving not so much for your BIL, but for the life and contentment that your sister lost. But carry on like this, you will lose it from your life too. You need therapy and to prioritise time with your wife. Sex, yes, but intimacy, too.
You will get all the space you want at this rate.
You are rejecting your wife and feel guilty when you don't because you feel disloyal to your sister when you have sex with your wife. Which is very f-ed up. It's emotional incestuous cheating. In your wife's place I would dump you immediately. You are very sick and you are not even trying to get better. YTAH.
Soft YTA, because you will drive your wife away. And she'll have every right to leave. I say that as someone who doesn't particularly believe in divorce. You are constantly neglecting your wife for your sister. I understand supporting family in a time of need, but this has gone on too long. She has a therapist. Let her call them. And call one for yourself as well, because you need one. You are completely unfair to your poor wife who has stood by you all this time. She has been quite patient with both you and your sister. And I think you making her feel like she's a chore is completely wrong. Detach from your sister a little and pay attention to your marriage before you don't have one. I think that it's not just sex your wife is frustrated about, but the lack of attention from you. Straighten up dude.
Your wife just wants normal again and you're not delivering. Be grateful she's still hounding you and hasn't looked elsewhere.
You kinda are the AH. It's awful that your sister has lost her husband I'm not going to dispute that or invalidate your feelings. You need some kind of grief counselling for yourself. I know you want to be there for your sister but you need to let her know what's going on because yeah, she's lost her husband but you're going to lose your wife in a different way and it's your fault for not recognising and doing what needs to be done to prevent it
It’s been a year, you feel like sex is a duty, and sex makes you feel guilty - you need counseling too.
You and your sister need to establish boundaries - you’re her support person but you can’t be on call 24/7. Both of you need help processing the loss and moving forward.
You need help dealing with the loss of your BIL because if you don’t, it might lead to losing your wife too.
It’s a gentle YTA but it will be a bigger one if you don’t get the counseling you need.
Nobody is the ah, your wife is probably feeling you pulling away. You should be in grief counseling, couples therapy wouldn't hurt either. It hurts every time you reject her. She will eventually stop asking and then you will know it's probably too late to fix your marriage. I'm so sorry your sister and you are grieving, shutting out your wife isn't the answer.
Honestly? Yeah, you're an AH. Pushing your wife away is not the answer. I highly suggest you get therapy because you're ruining your relationship. If it was a few weeks or months, I'd understand more, but a whole year of you pushing her away is a lot of strain on a relationship. There is no limit on grief, so I'm not saying you should be 100% okay now, but you are challenging your relationship in a way I don't think you want to. Also, feeling guilty after after sex because your sister lost her husband.... that's not normal. Therapy, and I hope you apologize to your wife for telling her to leave you alone.
Yta. You need therapy. You and your sister are codependent and you are abandoning your wife and marriage because of your enmeshment with your sister. This isn't healthy for anyone and you are destroying your relationship. You owe your wife an apology and you need to start therapy yesterday.
And who will take care of your wife's needs if it's not you?? it's not like she can just switch off her needs just cause u have a very weird attachment to your sister and not even seeking therapy
Do you love your wife? If so get to individual therapy and also couples counselling. Because right now you are destroying your marriage.
You are being intentionally cruel and harsh to your wife, yet being the sympathetic brother to your sister. Just think how that is destroying your wife.
Updateme!
So, divorce your wife, marry your sister because that's where you're headed.
Your sister needs grief counseling, I am a fan of grieving. I think it is a most necessary part of healing. But grieving indefinitely and making your grief your life and personality is extremely unhealthy. At some point, it stops being grief, and you're just depressed.
Get your sister the help she needs and focus on your marriage.
The fact that you BIL died affects your sex life is bizarre. You need Some serious mental help. My BIL and I were best friends before he even met my sister. I really was very good friends until the day he passed. I was sad he passed but it never even had a 1% effect on my everyday living. I loved my mom and day as much as any son could , but when they passed, I accepted it and went on with my life as they would have wanted. You on the other hand seem to be obsessed with losing someone that is not even a blood relative to the extent it affects your sex life! Wow that a stretch. If you are a normal healthy man that produces sex fluids, you will want to relieve that pressure. Quit jerking off and screw your wife!
You better figure it out, because not only have you lost your BIL but you may lose your wife too. I’ll get downvoted for what I am about to say, but….buck up. It’s been a year. Be intimate with your wife or someone else will. If you want to go through a divorce because your physical intimacy is gone and someone else has taken your place then continue on your path.
She is telling you what she needs…and it seems as though you don’t care. She has given you a year to get yourself together. You give her once a week, honestly if you’re honest with yourself it probably isn’t even that. And it probably isn’t a stellar performance.
YTA. Yta to yourself for not getting therapy a long time ago to help deal with your enmeshment issues.
Why do you feel guilty about having sex with your wife? Why has your libido been so affected by your BIl passing?
Obviously this has been very traumatic for everyone involved, but you are actively pushing your wife away in favour of enabling your sisters traumatic and terrible coping mechanisms.
Get therapy please. And talk to your wife properly, or you will lose her.
Sounds like your depressed and need therapy before your marriage ends. Your making ur partner feel not wanted/loved or her needs being met. eventually she will find someone that will give her what you can't if you don't get out of ur depression
Seems like you might be sabotaging your own relationship due to guilt for your sister. If you aren't already, you also need grief counseling... and maybe therapy. If you feel you can't be happy if your sister isn't happy, that's a problem.
Get counseling before you lose your wife. And you need to set boundaries with your sister. She shouldn’t be calling during the night or dumping on you. She needs more therapy and coping skills.
Yes, you are. You can’t abandon and neglect your wife because of hardships in your life. Those things impact us and do cause changes but it is our responsibility to figure out how to heal from them, and neglecting the people who love you isn’t okay. Relationships have two people in them so just as she needs to be there to support you and be loving and patient with your feelings of grief you also need to be there for her needs. For women (and maybe men too) sex isn’t just physical it’s emotional, and her emotions and feelings matter too. It takes two, and you need to also be present. At least try to be romantic with her and you may be surprised that it rekindles your libido and those desires.
YTA. It’s not ok that a year after the death of your BIL you feel guilty after sex & that it’s a chore. You’re the asshole for not dealing with your grief & you’re the asshole for putting your sisters emotional needs over your wife’s. You need to be dealing with this actively. If this was 2 months after the death I’d understand, but you cannot put your life on hold indefinitely without putting your marriage in danger & alienating your wife & causing massive resentment.
It’s very sad your sister lost her husband, and I get you want to support her. But it’s not healthy or normal that your sisters grief has affected your sex drive to this extent, especially a year later. And it’s not fair that you expect your wife to just be ok with weekly duty sex, or resent her for wanting more, when you used to have it much more often. Definitely seek therapy to deal with the enmeshment issues before they ruin your marriage.
So wait let me get this straight. You told your sister to get therapy but then you yourself knowing you have some issues didn't invest in your own relationship by getting therapy? Dude I think you need to take a deeper look at yourself. Your wife's not asking for much and you're blowing her off. Stop taking responsibility for your sister's feelings and look at your wife and what you're doing to her. Give it another year and that's the only thing you're going to be grieving is the loss of your wife because you seem to care more about your sister than your own life. So yes I do believe this makes you the a****** congratulations.
Honestly, you should be fucking twice as much. Your brother ain’t around, you gotta enjoy life for him. Instead you’re here on Reddit asking if you’re an ass. Yeah you are.
Edit: dude that was some drama queen stuff, I get loving your brother in law. This is just crazy, you need help kiddo. You’re not right.
Also that enmeshment, is a kin to Oedipus complex. You’re not going through it because of your mom, but the first female you had feelings for and defended. You need help, you do have a strange attraction to your sister. I get Yall went through shit, but it’s not healthy kiddo.
You need therapy, not reddit.
Info: Did you have something to do with your BiL's death? No, then why do you feel guilty that you still have a living loving spouse and your sister doesn't? I'm sure you loved your BiL but you are nuking your marriage right now. Would he want that for you and your wife? Seriously doubt it.
You need to put boundaries on the calls with your sister, period. Once a week she can talk about how sad she is that he's gone, all other calls have to be good memories she has of him. And you need to enforce that rule. Wallowing in grief doesn't get you through it, it just mires you into the muck more and more. There's some serious codependence going on with you and your sister. It's understandable, but not acceptable.
You have responsibilities as a husband to your wife.
No judgement, seek help.
Your not an asshole, but you do have serious issues. You need therapy badly. What you're doing to your wife is not normal. I'm confused though on what your BIL death has to do with you not having sex with your wife. I'm failing too see the connection.
Please get therapy, before you end up divorced.
Your grief is real and understandable. Your feelings are valid and real. But your grief and your feelings are ultimately yours to deal with.
They are now affecting the intimacy in your marriage. This is not just a relationship. It should be the central relationship of your life.
Your wife has been reasonable and tried to open a discussion about this. You have stonewalled her. Regardless of what you're feeling, that is not acceptable.
Deal with it. Tell her you can't now, but tell her when you will. Ask for her help if you don't know. All are acceptable; stonewalling is not.
You need to understand the risk here. You can't just let this run on without resolution. Your marriage may depend on it.
Info: are you also in therapy?
You’re not an asshole for feeling grief but you are if you don’t work to fix it. A year is a long time. That’s not “give me space” territory. She’s been giving you space.
Losing someone close to you is difficult, but neglecting the needs of the person who probably has your back the most is a bad move. Get yourself some help but don't debt her what she needs. That's not fair to her and won't help you in the long term.
I did not see anyone else say this, but I wonder if you may actually have some resentment against your BIL that is causing you some guilt. He relived you of some obligations to your sister that came rushing back into you when he died, just now with the added layer of addressing his death and loss too. It would be very normal to resent this. It would also be very normal for that resentment to cause you guilt and shame. I really hope you get a therapist you can unpack this with by yourself.
You lost me at the part where you have guilt the next day from sleeping with your wife. Everything at least made some sense up to that point. Feeling guilt over being intimate with your wife is not healthy or normal whatsoever. Are you trying to replace your brother in law, and be everything to your sister? Do you feel guilty for experiencing pleasure your sister no longer has access to? Do you feel guilty for still having a partner when your sister doesn't? Whatever it is, your feelings aren't rational and are going to cause you to lose your own marriage. Get help, don't sabotage your own relationship like this.
Keep pushing your wife away and you're not going to have a marriage for much longer. You need to deal with your grief because the way you're dealing with it now is incredibly unhealthy and incredibly unfair to your wife. Because of your history, you need a therapist with come background in both trauma and complex grief. YTA.
Not sure on judgement but you need therapy or you're going to lose your marriage. Is that what you want??
And why do you feel guilty for having sex with your wife??
ETA it's great to support your sister but that shouldn't be at the detriment to your MH/marriage
You both should go to therapy. How frequently would you find acceptable for.her to talk about sex? Try to find a reasonable answer to this..maybe with the help of therapy.
NTA, but your sister needs to stop calling you in the middle of the night. I would hazard a guess It's impacting on more than just your sex life to have her calling at all hours.
You aren't a trained therapist. And even if you were, you aren't removed from the situation- that's why therapists can't treat family. You need to get yourself some therapy too, and your sister needs to find another sounding board.
You need therapy. And frankly, your sister needs to back up a bit; you’re acting like her Emotional Support Human at your wife’s expense. Every time that happens, it reignites the grief for both of you, and that’s more important to you than your wife’s happiness.
Sexual incompatibility is a justified reason for divorce, and you’re neglecting her in favor of grief, grief that your sister keeps bringing back. You and your sister need therapy. Maybe even together.
YTA for not seeking a way to process your grief sooner. Same to your sister. The both of you need to get it together through therapy and grief support groups. You’re hurting your wife, and it’s not just about sex.
You needed counseling before the BIL passed because you’ve allowed yourself to be responsible for your sisters emotional wellbeing. You are a grown man with a family and while I empathize with your sister, you need to set boundaries so her behavior doesn’t continue to affect your home life. Unfortunately you two already have shared trauma from childhood so now you’re engaging in trauma bonding which is not allowing you to rationalize that this behavior isn’t normal. My judgement is NAH but you would be TA if you continue down this path and ruin your marriage without setting boundaries and resolving your OWN issues through therapy
Your pulling away from your wife and dare I say neglecting her. I do understand your grief and greatly feel for your sister and your past trauma, but if you don’t reconnect with your wife and get some therapy yourself, you are in danger of losing her. I know it’s not right but if you’re not willing to show her the time and affection someone else will.
I’m hesitant to call you an AH b/c I think the trauma bond you have w/your sister has lead to unhealthy co-dependency issues. You are destroying your marriage due to your childhood trauma. You need therapy immediately. Preferably trauma therapy.
It’s clear you’re deliberately sabotaging your marriage b/c you feel it’s unfair for you to be happily married when your sister has lost her spouse. It’s like you two must live your lives in equal happiness or sadness at all times. That’s not healthy at all.
You & your sister are separate human beings w/separate lives. You each have your own paths to follow. You can support your sister in her grieving AND still be happy & fulfilled in your own marriage. Those two things can be done at the same time.
As someone else pointed out, you seem to be taking on the burden of your sister’s grief/grieving a more than is healthy.
You can’t control your sister, but you and her need to ween each other off of that pattern of her relying so much on you (easier said than done).
Your sister is weighing heavily on your marriage. Your wife is paying for it.
Asshole? No, not really; mostly a loving brother. That said, you’re edging into that territory.
Mate, you need som therapy ASAP, if you can take anything from what your sister is going through, take that you can't count on tomorrow, if you wife was killed in a car accident this weekend, would you regret that you put her on hold like this? Your sister does not gain anything by you shutting down your relationship, and you may actually be holding hr back in her processing her grief and finding her way to happiness again, so for your sister, your wife and yourself, please get therapy asap
I agree. Therapy is a must. This is definitely enmeshment with the sister. It's good to be a supportive sibling but OP cannot separate his own feelings from his sisters. He's overly focused on the sisters grief and taking it on.
This is one of the few top comments in this sub that I absolutely, wholeheartedly agree with.
The getting put on hold thing is real. I think everyone can sympathize with needing a few months to work through grief, and much longer for primary family members (partner, child, parent). But to put your relationship on the back burner, for lack of better words, an in-law is not a great path to be on a year out… definitely need some therapy before you lose more due to something you already can’t get back
Sound, compassionate advice.
It sounds like you need some grief counseling as well
This….even just general counseling at this point. He started the post off with childhood trauma as well. It’s okay to not be okay, but you need to have the tools to continue to navigate life. He’s going to slowly crumble his own marriage because he’s seeing things from his perspective, but not the wife’s who also has feelings and likely missing the connection. Not a good partner to be neglecting your own marriage when you could be getting help.
I feel like it’s and over attachment to the sister.
There's a very good reason for that. those who don't understand the dynamic will never fully grasp why. Child abuse is a hard thing that most people don't acknowledge because of the stigma around it and even fewer get the help they need. Him and his sister went through a serious shared trauma and it has linked then in a way that goes beyond the normal sibling relationship.
Man, this may sound horrible to say but... I wish I could get it. I would never wish it on anyone else, but I think having someone share my experience might have done a whole lot of validating to me, knowing I wasn't alone, that it wasn't absolutely my fault, that I wasn't a monster.. idk. And I know it's a horrible thing to say, but, at same time...
I'm in the same boat. It took me a long time to get it. I rationalized it for years, "it's not as bad as all that", "it's perfectly normal behavior", "I don't have a reason to complain, some kids live in crack houses". 40 years away from that situation and I still suffer from it's effects. Feelings of worthlessness, being unwanted, not good enough for anyone to love. It takes a while to get it, and to be blunt, you can't get it alone. Despite what you were probably led to believe, getting help is not a bad thing.
Exactly. Right there with you. It can also be really hard to break free. But while I wouldn't wish any of it on people, it's nice to know I'm not alone, and not crazy. I'm still working through my stuff. However, my situation is a bit different in that instead our stuff bringing us closer, my sister and I were forced apart. It's only recently that we started talking after a long time, and we realized so much of our shit is our mother's fault. We know we have stuff to work on, but at least we understand where things stem from.
Oh, I've got help. But it's different from someone just knowing without you needing to say anything?😅
Oh for sure. It's one of those weird things because you wish you had someone who understands first hand but at the same time glad no one does because that would mean they had to go through the same thing you did and that's horrible.
I will say that this is a very "grass is greener" take. My siblings and I all experienced the same trauma from our father but I was the youngest and was left in the house with the worst of it. My siblings still refuse to acknowledge that with me and at this point 20 years later that's what hurts more than anything. I'm so sorry for your trauma and the loneliness in it. Just know that your experiences are your own and we can't ever guarantee that if "things had been different" it would be easier to overcome. I admire your strength and courage coping with it alone in whatever way you could.
It doesn't always end up like OP and his sister. Sometimes you get hurt worse. I had siblings that went through the same abuse I did (I was the oldest so had it the worst tho) and the sister I was closest to actually sided with our parents when I went no contact. She actually stopped talking to me and my children (who adored her) because I cut my parents off for nearly killing my son.
[удалено]
yeah like it’s totally understandable to be in a state for a couple weeks or months but if it’s been a year & there’s no improvement like that’s genuinely concerning
Seems different than standard grief, he feels guilty about having sex with his wife?
Maybe he feels guilty carrying on with his marital life while his sister is, on the other hand, alone and suffering. Trauma isn't logical and the aftershocks can be confusing. OP, I am so sorry. You are a very caring brother, and you are also hurting. Seek out counseling for yourself and your wife. And please know that you deserve to be happy. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m glad someone picked up on that! Maybe he feels “guilty” giving his time/attention to his wife over his sister? I’m not saying physical incest, but emotionally something is screwed up royally.
He does mention some enmeshment due to the abuse he and his sister experienced growing up. I think he probably also has some guilt that his own life hasn’t been affected the way his sister’s life has been. He hears/sees how his sister is suffering since her husband died, and feels guilty that he is enjoying things while his sister is so miserable.
I was thinking this, and he might be semi-conciously/unconciously performing an act of self sabotage. If he thinks this is what's happening he might need a reminder that his relationship failing isn't what his sister would want for him. He might also need some counselling to make sure he maintains a good headspace, and he needs to remember that you can't pour from an empty cup. Its fine for libido to be low at times, but he might need to talk to his wife and make sure he's taking steps to preserve his own life. Maybe theres a compromise of more toys for her in the meantime or maybe it would help if he made time for just them and set a mood to increase his libido.
Like survivor’s guilt.
Totally understand the terminology. When my gramma died my mom wouldn’t eat for a couple weeks. Just coffee. Kept refusing food saying if my mom can’t eat neither can I. 😟 I think he feels guilty to have a loving relationship with his wife while his sister has tragically lost hers.
This! When my mother was dying from cancer, I would cry my eyes out after having sex with my then boyfriend. I felt guilty for enjoying life while she couldn’t, and that broke me. Then she died and sex was the furthest thing from my mind for at least the first year. I was single by then, so it was easier for me to stay stuck in that mode. It took me a long time to get out of that, and I’ve done A LOT of therapy.
I think (personal opinion here) he’s taking on the sister’s grief and pain.
Yes. Co dependency grief.
I know when my SIL died I felt guilty leaning on my husband for support… because my brother was suffering and didn’t have his Person there for him.
My brother and I were raised in a super fucked up house, I left at 18, he stayed. I’m in my mid thirties now and my brother has been attached at the hip to our mother all these years. It’s not a physical thing but it’s the most co dependent relationship you can imagine. Trauma breeds these types of relationships. The thing is, this man is going to ruin his marriage. Why is he feeling guilty for having sex with his wife??? I truly feel for her, she’s being neglected big time, he needs therapy before he ends up divorced and then he’ll have all the time in the world to spend with his sister.
This. It suggests that his loss of interest in sex is somehow a sense that it’s unfair for him to have a happy marriage when his sister is a widow, or that he owes his attention and affection to his sister now rather than to his wife. He needs counseling to really understand his emotions here.
I agree, this is how it see it. He feltt guilty the day after he had sex with his wife. This must be because his sister is alone. Conunseling is needed for the sake of his marriage.
Yes, it sounds like he might have “complicated grief”
I don’t know if grief is exactly what’s going on for him. He barely mentions the BIL, sounds more like his issue is that he’s letting himself get consumed by his sister’s pain.
Very much so. Depression and grief can crash it to nothing. Not to mention the worry and anxiety he is probably carrying for his sister. OP, do you and your wife both a favor and seek therapy or grief counseling. It’s not only the spouse that needs it. Time alone may not heal this wound. And you deserve to get better. It will also allow you to be there for your sister. This was your loss too.
I second this. Grief is a complete libido killer for me too, OP. I went through severe trauma, and it affected my sex life for the next 10 years until I started seeing a therapist. It's long, hard work but it's so worth it. Please don't stop looking for a therapist until you find one that you mesh with. It can take a long time to even find a good therapist 🥵 for anyone who needs to hear this, do not stop trying to find that therapist that meshes with you. If you go on psychologytoday.com and enter in your credentials, they will bring you up everybody in your area that's in your network, and you can see who they are and what they specialize in. It's how I found my therapist I've had for the last 4 years. You've got this people
No other comment needed but this.
You need grief counseling to help with the loss of BIL and also the loss of “true” parents who would nurture and protect you. You never had that and you are mourning that loss of a relationship. Been through it myself.
Info: why do you feel guilty about sex the next day?
I almost think his grief for his BIL is more so from the pain his sister is experiencing. I can't imagine the mental toll of his sister calling him at all hours crying for a year is having on him. My guess would be that he feels guilty because he has his SO, and his sister doesn't. He may feel guilty because he gets to have a marriage and sex while his sister is suffering from the loss of hers.
From his description of it that's what it sounds like. That's what I think makes this such a big issue. He recognizes it is enmeshment on a level, but is he willing to do anything about it? He should absolutely be supporting his sister and he should absolutely be allowed space to grieve his brother-in-law if he is in his own grief. Also while I like to have sex everyday I understand that once a week is pretty normal for a lot of married couples. It's not like he isn't engaging at all. But it seems like he feels he is not allowed to be happy until his sister is happy again. He's not even allowed to experience pleasure or sex with his own wife because his sister is grieving. That's a serious issue that will have far reaching and long-lasting implications into the marriage. The problem isn't that he doesn't want to have sex more frequently, libido mismatches happen all the time. But the fact that he feels guilty after sex because his sister is sad and grieving makes this veer into very unhealthy territory. I have trouble calling him the asshole on anything but a technicality. This isn't asshole behavior so much as a trauma response. And he also shouldn't be pressured into sex he doesn't want to have, ever. But he still needs to go to therapy and address his enmeshment with his sister because it is going to destroy his marriage, and every other relationship he has afterwards if he is not careful. He deserves to be able to love his sister and other people at the same time. His wife deserves a partner that won't disengage from her because his sister is going through a difficult time. He needs professional assistance. Perhaps it's YTA on a technicality. Or NAH, but please go to therapy because this is destructive.
I think you hit the mail on the head. The situation is absolutely complicated, acknowledging that and continue to not do a single thing about it 100% makes OP the AH. My sister and I are super close but if her husband died it would be weird AF for me to feel guilty for being intimate with me with bc her husband died.
The only thing I would call him an AH on, is the fact he has been basically ignoring his wife’s pleas for help. She has tried giving him space, she’s tried dealing with once a week sex, she’s tried the communication route. But I have yet to see where OP has tried to find a solution other than brushing off his wife and carrying on. Especially now. She has made it clear that this is a problem for her, and still a year out, he doesn’t want to find a solution. He just expects her to keep giving him time. I have a feeling if his wife saw him trying - grief counseling, a therapist, anything, she would be more willing to give him some space. But at this point she’s just supposed to take his word on it that it’ll get better…eventually. Also, if he feels guilty after sex, I’m guessing that he also hasn’t been affectionate towards his wife, cuddling has diminished, general intimacy has taken a nose dive - not just the sex. This is usually more of an issue in deadish bedroom situations than the sex itself, but people can’t quantify holding hands and brief kisses throughout the day easily, so they approach the subject as it being focused on the sex itself. This is more serious than I think OP thinks it is. If this was because of his grief alone, it might be different as well, but a lot of this seems to stem from him *feeling guilty about his sister not having her husband, while he has his wife*. So he has essentially prioritized his sister’s feelings over his own, which also means that he has prioritized his sister’s feelings OVER his wife’s as well. That’s not a good feeling for the wife - especially if she’s well aware that this isn’t just *HIS* grief, but his guilt about his sisters. Obviously he isn’t intentionally being an asshole, but I think he is seriously underestimating how MASSIVE of an issue this is. And at the end of the day, even if you aren’t trying to be an asshole, it doesn’t mean your actions won’t reflect that, and the consequences of those actions will still come calling.
I agree. I would even say this is a NAH situation. It’s not his fault that his grief, guilt, and need to be his sister’s protector since they were children, make it hard to want to have sex all the time. It’s not his wife’s fault that it’s taking a toll on her, and it’s not his sister’s fault that the one other man who made her feel safe besides her brother is dead. OP would absolutely benefit from counseling! It doesn’t sound (to me at least) that their marriage is in unsalvageable territory yet, but this dynamic isn’t sustainable for anyone! I wish so much healing for him and his sister.
I feel like the sister needs a therapist and to stop calling him at all hours. I have an adult daughter who suffers from chronic pain. I am her support person. I also suffer from depression. She would often wake up sobbing in the middle of the night. I finally sat her down and told her I cannot be your sole source of emotional support. I hired a therapist who specialized in chronic pain management. Now my daughter is 25 so she’s not a kid. The therapist talked about compassion fatigue. The only way for me to survive this emotionally is to try and shut down and it’s bad for my mental health. She had to learn to self soothe sometimes. So now she will come wake me up sometimes, but she’s better at comforting herself. I guess this is my long winded way of saying that his sister is relying on him for emotional support in a way that isn’t mentally healthy for either of them. She needs more help processing her grief, and he can’t be her round the clock therapist. He needs to have a conversation with her about how these phone calls are affecting him mentally. Maybe come up with other people she can call. She needs a support system and it can’t be 100% her brother. I don’t see this as a sex problem, but a state of mind problem. He can’t heal and move forward until she stops using him as an emotional crutch.
Sort of a Survivor's Guilt. I feel for the wife. She's the invisible victim in all of this. Husband is always available to give and give to his sister, but there's nothing left for his wife. I suspect OP shuts his wife out emotionally as well. The sister is the one who should be giving OP space. It's been a year. She should reduce a portion of her neediness some.
I've been in a similar situation with a family member. I felt like their unqualified therapist. I had to ask them to stop. The mental load was too much for me. I felt like my relationship suffered when theirs did. There is a line between being there for someone and this. I agree. I think this goes deeper than sex. His wife might be thinking if they get their sex life back to normal, other things will go back as well.
Exactly. It's an avenue she can utilize to test the waters. I think his last actions (telling her to drop it) just may send her the message.
I'd never even met my best friends dad but I cried buckets with her cos she loved him and I love her and she was in pain. We're also from (different types of) tough childhood and consider each other family. But - we continued to live and it wasn't helpful to her to have us all wallow because she needed us to provide normalcy. Grief is so so so fucking hard as well. I still, 10 years after my dad dying, catch myself from time to time going "I can't wait to tell my dad about this".
If the answer is "because I could miss my sister calling", it's time to end the nightly phone calls. Your sister is an adult now, and in therapy. It's time you get into therapy yourself, and it's time to stop the enmeshment again.
Probably something more like feeling guilty he gets to be with his partner, when his sister is suffering
I get that his sister is grieving, but she’s not being fair. she should care more about his relationship surviving
When he said enmeshment, my mind went to him somewhat taking on the role of a partner to his sister when she's single. So now that she's a widow... Maybe he feels like he's cheating on her.
That is a seriously rough but possible outlook. My mind went to the same place.
His definition of his role as a child was that of a father to his sister. Their relationship is not healthy. I don’t think this is grief for the BIL as much as a father very worried about his child. They were forced into these roles by a violent parent. While his sister was happy he managed to carry on with life. Now his child’s sadness has shot his anxiety into the heavens.
I think it’s more of OP’s sense of resource allocation. We all have finite resources to spread, time is our most valuable one of them, and someone OP cares deeply for is going through a grief that OP can probably imagine (OP comes across as a pretty empathetic person, or someone capable of being very empathetic) to the point of being able to *feel* like his sister does. He is climbing down into the hole with her to keep her company, and when he climbs out he won’t go outside of eyeshot of his sister “because she *needs*” OP. This is not a wild take: if his sister decided to just change who she calls, or stopped calling and had effective therapy, OP would not be in this situation. I just had a similar situation in my life, and I didn’t realize how “in it” I was until it just went away. I was the only person who would respond and be there, and I spent all the time in between “emergencies” feeling guilty about not doing more for them. It weighed on me constantly and would creep up during commutes, times of feeling like crap about myself, etc.
I didn't think about this. Kinda disturbing. I did think while reading this that the only reason he has been able to have such a good marriage at first is because his sister was in a relationship.
Exactly. Some of this phrasing made me think this, too. He’s choosing his sister and their grief over his wife and it’s apparently a pattern he recognizes from their past but will he do anything about it?
This is my question! That seems very weird to me
It's more likely survivor's guilt.
I don’t think it’s weird tbh. Survivor’s Guilt, Trauma Bonding, grief, childhood trauma - it’s complicated shit. Sounds like the OP needs support & professional guidance.
You need therapy yourself your so willing to be the support for your sister to the undoing of your own relationship with your wife Not sure if your an asshole but you have to realise the damage and distance your doing to your own marriage
I strongly second this, I hope OP reads this. This is probably the most genuine comment ive read ob reddit in a while
Intended to be for OP but replied one down. Whoops I literally just lost a marriage over a similar situation only a few months ago. My wife lost her father and brother years ago but hasn’t found appropriate closure and it was instead a barrier that was easier to put up when I tried to request she focus on me rather than the past. It may be helpful to look up avoidant and ambivalent attachment as the two styles of non-stable attachment. I was incredibly ambivalent so was constantly wanting her to reassure me that she loved me and her rejection of my advances wasn’t because of a fault in me, increasing and decreasing with the stresses of the day. She was avoidant and just wanted to be left alone to consider her thoughts, enjoyed her independence and didn’t want to rely on anyone else. Because we didn’t have a common language and a key shared value focus, instead of focusing on the future together, we became only focused on eachother as barriers to where we individually wanted to be. Learn from my mistakes, don’t ask people to validate your choices to be distant from the woman you are married to. Instead ask yourself if she is happy and genuinely consider how you can be happier by changing your thought process to not view her as a burden but as a support network that isn’t being given clear instructions, only mines to avoid. I hope you both can find a common language to discuss your concerns, I know you’re hurting right now, but it absolutely sucks to know if someone had given you a template or things to Google it might have changed an outcome. I don’t regret my divorce, but I do empathise with your struggles and will straight up say there are people who would love to hear your thoughts and could help let you and your sister be happier faster if you reach out. Professionally, or just casually, even just here on reddit. Hope you feel better soon brother (OP, but also first replier, you’re cool too.)
This is an amazing post and I really hope OP not only reads it, but takes it to heart. You’ve clearly done the work and understand the situation in a way that most others can’t. Hugs to you internet stranger. I hope your days get better and brighter.
Thanks mate. I felt intense shame and guilt for having “failed” in my marriage, but I also feel many will have a sense of kinship with the either the wife or husband in this relationship. The ambivalent vs Avoidant vs Stable is very generic by design, similar to “love languages”, schema therapy and horoscopes in that you get out what you’re searching for. I’ve been searching for answers to understand why I do what I do, late diagnosed ADHD means I talk too much, too emotional and bang like a rabbit, which isn’t for everyone. It also means I can speedrun grief and be incredibly self-aware simply because I’m more emotional, so swings and roundabouts. In this particular case, when one partner is distant and the other is desperate, conflict is inevitable unless communication is clear and focused on information being received as intended rather than sent to prove a point. I’ve just finished an amazing book by A Smolarski “Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids: The Attachment Theory Guide to Raising Kids in Two Homes” which may not be relevant specifically, but holy shit did it just highlight the problems in my marriage without even needing to have a child. The older generation never got the chance to have the insane amount of information we have at our fingertips now, the younger generations are being raised to be self-aware and so incredibly engaged, I’m hopeful for the future. I just hope Disney starts normalising the idea that co-parenting and amicable separation is the design goal at any time of your life. From your first dalliances with strong feelings all the way through to gaining STD’s in a retirement home. People deserve love, but they gotta be ready to love too. Or as Ru Paul would say. “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?' (Can I get an amen up in heayuhh)
This is exactly what I was thinking
I like to think of it as weaponizing grief. Instead of processing what happened and trying to move forward him and his sister are using it as an excuse to stay perpetually sad. Which tbh the bil wouldn’t want that from either of them.
I’m not sure if I agree, losing a spouse is horrible. My aunt lost her husband (my uncle) of 30 years a year ago and even in a few days after his death she was physically different, and now her personality is changed, she’s the same person but there’s a noticeable sadness in what she does even when she’s happy. Here OP’s sister doesn’t have parents to support her, it sounds like her brother and husband were her only family. If prior to her marriage she relied on OP a lot for emotional support, it might be all that she knows, so it might not be malicious from her to call often. I also don’t think it’s an attempt to be “perpetually sad”, the first year after a death is the hardest because all the first “without” are there. I do think that as the months go, there needs to be boundaries put in place and that OP needs to go to therapy for his grief + childhood trauma, and maybe him and his sister could go to family therapy to learn strategies to support each other without it leading to emechment
It actually sounds like the sister's way of processing childhood trauma is by putting all her emotional eggs in 2 baskets... Her late husband and now her brother. I would be interested to know if his sister has any outside friends or support systems besides the brother. If not, sister and brother both need counseling to learn you have to seek support from multiple people otherwise when one passes away or cannot be that support, they crumble.
As someone doing alright in life who could probably hack being a single parent and fulfill my job duties, I don’t know how I could personally ever move on if I lost my wife. I could see “Weaponized grief” if OP is completely ignoring his wife, putting her down for wanting normalcy, calling her horrible for ignoring his sadness, having sudden **but intentional** shifts in behavior and blaming the grief.
Word to ya mother! Solid words for sure!
You need to go to counseling before you ruin your marriage.
Yeah or he will find out exactly how painful loosing a spouse is.
I think this is, subconsciously, the intent.
I agree, perhaps he thinks he doesn't deserve to have a spouse if his sister doesn't.
Not going to call you an AH but you need to figure out what is causing the guilt because you say your wife has been supportive but there comes a point where she’s going to be hurt that you find sex with her a chore and something to be guilty about. You need to figure out how to be supportive of your sister without carrying her grief or feeling guilty for still having a partner before you don’t have a partner
And it seems to me that the wife doesn’t even know what’s going on. He really needs to deal with this. Not necessarily to have a higher libido , maybe that will take some time. But the guilt? That guilt is misplaced.
She propably does but is trying to be patient. This seems like such a drastic change in their relationship she's bound to have notice it.
I don't think I could ever have sex with my partner again if I found out he viewed sleeping with me a chore. I'd rather have no sex than loveless sex. He and his sister are both not going to have spouses here soon
That’s what I was thinking. I guess the good news for OP and his sister is that they will have even more time for each other.
A chore he also felt guilty about because of his enmeshment with his own sister.
Very likely to happen if he doesn't seek help.
He is the ah bc of how he is dealing with it. He’s not like a total ah but the relationship he has with his sister is slightly unnerving
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for you and your sister growing up that way. I am so sorry that she lost her husband. But it is time for some therapy for yourself. And here is why. It’s really good that you encourage her to get counseling for her grief. But each one of you needs counseling for your trust and enmeshment issues. Right now, your emotions for yourself are so bottled up that it is affecting you mentally and physically. It is incredibly understanding that having sex with your wife has become a little bit of a chore for you because you are dealing with some feelings that don’t even realize yet. What are the things when you were the strong person in the family, so to speak, is that you wind up, shouldering the emotional burden for others in the family. And you often do so to the detriment of yourself and your own relationships. And that is so incredibly unhealthy. And in this case, not only is it affecting you, it’s affecting your wife. And I don’t think you ever meant for that to happen. I don’t think you ever wanted that to happen. I just don’t think you have the tools to extricate yourself from what is happening in your life. My best guess is that you feel that you have to be the strong one for your sister. That you have to make certain she is OK after all of this because “she has no one else. I can see you taking that stance for a short amount of time. So it’s really good. You told her to get into therapy. But the bigger issue is that nobody, not you, not her husband, not her best friend, should be your sisters, emotional support animal. I understand why it all came about, but it is not healthy, and it is not sustainable. What happens to her if something happens to you? The trauma you guys experienced that children is still biting you both in the ass. Each one of you need a therapist who is well-versed in CPTSD. Someone who can help you overcome the distress. The inability to form some attachments. The need in your case to always be the strong one. Each one of us has to learn to handle the shit that happened in our lives. Because there might not always be a brother or a sister. Or a grandparent or a best friend. And so if we don’t example these things and recognize how they are affecting us in our day-to-day life, Exactly what is happening with you and your wife is often one of the outcomes. A stressor of some sort hits us so incredibly hard that we basically shut down our relationships or at work. Or with our friends, etc. And it’s because we don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with all of these other people that we know are not currently in crisis as is the family member that needs us. So we close off from the people that we know can deal with life, and we run to help the one that we know can’t deal with life. But again, that is only sustainable for so long. Often, before we know it, we have sent ourselves and our own relationship into crisis. In the meantime, we have only enabled our family member to stay in crisis mode. Getting in the therapy is a start, but if you have damaged your own relationships, be it at home or at work or with friends, you are now going to have to do work to fix those. And that same work has to address while all this happened in the first place. It has to address healthy ways to deal with your past trauma, and deal with your sister and getting her help as well. I’m wishing you the best. I can tell you love your wife. And I can tell she loves you. But you can’t be the emotional support person for your sister indefinitely. You have to help her learn to manage things because God forbid, if something happens to you, I don’t know what will become. And of course, your goal is always that you want her to be healthy and able to move forward as well.
u/ComplexToes, please read this comment because it is the best one by far. I think this poster is spot-on: your role within your family is Protector of your sister, so when she's suffering and you can't solve her problem, it's like you're abandoning her. Feeling guilty about having sex with your wife fits right in to this framework of trauma and guilt bestowed on you by your fucked-up father. (Right there with you BTW, although I'm female & it affects me differently.) As everyone is saying, please get therapy for your trauma. Not just to improve relationships with the women in your life, although it would be worth doing just for that. But YOU deserve to talk to someone. YOU deserve someone to 'look after you' emotionally. The boy you were needs the comfort and reassurance he was cruelly denied for so many years. A good therapist won't tell you you're wrong to feel guilty. They won't judge you. They'll encourage you to untangle WHY you feel guilty, and (overly) responsible for your sister's wellbeing. And I promise you, you will suddenly SEE for yourself that it's not necessary and doesn't help your sister or you, and it will feel like the sun has come out from behind a wall of grey cloud, because you will also know that you love your sister and you CAN be there for her, but you don't need to sacrifice yourself for her, not at all, because looking after yourself is a virtuous circle, it will benefit not just you but your sister and your wife too. Please do this for yourself. I wish I'd done it earlier. But it's worth it whenever you start, and in this case it will benefit *three* people immensely. Most of all, you, which is as it should be because (1) you can only change yourself (2) you can only help others when you're not drowning yourself and (3) as much as you love these two women, you MUST care for yourself first because you only have this one life. Wishing you all the strength, healing and joy in the world. ❤
This was beautiful. Thank you for touching on the extra things that I wanted to say, but for God’s sake, it was so long already! Thank you for sharing as well. Sometimes just knowing we are not the only ones is that little push we need to take that step. Hugs!
Ooof, seriously, not trying to turn this into a circle-jerk but after dozens of simplistic, scolding (even if well-meaning) replies, yours was such a pleasure to read. All of it! This is why I enjoy Reddit - you get to learn from, and with, some truly wise peeps. 😍 🫂😎
This is the best comment! I was surprised people only mentioned grief counseling. They both need trauma therapy, cause that's the root cause of all of this. I hope OP sees your comment ❤️🩹
I surely do also. Those poor siblings are still reeling from the effects of their childhood. I am honestly so proud of them that they were able to have these adult relationships and have them last. That’s uncommon. I’m really hope that they both get that family therapy for survivors of childhood abuse. If it’s easier for them to do zoom sessions together, then do it. If it’s easier to do that separately, then do it. But I just so hope that they get the help they need so that they can continue moving forward with their lives.
She's been giving you space for at least 6 months. Time to sort yourself out before the space in your relationship winds up permanent.
Almost a year.
You are too enmeshed in your sisters grief I think. It’s great to support her but your life should not be affected to this extent . Are you guilty about sex and having any enjoyment because your sister is hurting ?? Is it going to help anyone if your relationship falls apart because of your sisters grief ? Because where do you see it going ? I suppose if you get divorced it will give you more time for your sister but when she starts to feel better and starts dating again and you are divorced still and alone ? You need therapy to put your sisters grief in perspective ! And your own grief for Bil but a year later this is not a healthy place to be in still .
Prolonged sexual incompatibility leads to misery for at least one of the partners. I'm not saying force yourself to have sex. I'm saying you need to get therapy for this. The most depressing stories on dead bedrooms are the ones where their partner opts not to address a physical or mental health issue.
Curious what other reasons cause dead bedrooms other than mental or physical? I thought those would cover everything. Genuinely interested.
Time and/or distance.
This is so random, but to give another reason… Well I’m pregnant and the first trimester/second trimester I had bleeding so was put on pelvic rest. Middle of second tri got to have sex again. Third trimester now, 32 weeks and everything in my body including my lady bits is extremely uncomfortable. It sucks so much because I miss it and I know my husband misses it. I guess mine falls under physical though.
Money, time, emotions, past trauma that may not be consciously known about, the body holds trauma and a lot of people don’t remember or find out until later on in life.
why are you acting like he was YOUR husband?... we understand that you are very close to your sister, but why are you ruining your marriage by grieving your sister's husband like you loved him more than her? you need counseling more than she does. you are nuking your own marriage for nothing.
Exactly my thoughts! This is SO bizarre. This isn't normal grief for a BIL.
To me it reads more like he is too in love with and intertwined with his sister. He doesn’t seem to really be grieving over his BIL, but instead blowing up his whole life because his sister is upset.
You’re not an AH but if you don’t get some therapy for yourself too and work through this, you’re going to damage your marriage irreparably if this goes on long enough. Sex may not be the most important aspect of a relationship, but intimacy is still important, and to many, they view sex as a love language. I would suggest getting some counselling for yourself, and in the meantime, find other ways to experience intimacy with your wife that doesn’t have to lead to sex. Hold hands while you watch a movie or take a walk, take a bubble bath together, kiss her and hold her frequently, and so on. She may be craving closeness with you more than anything, and feeling your grief has distanced you from her. I let my grief over the loss of my father turn into a deep depression that lasted years and ruined a relationship. Trust me when I say that while you aren’t wrong for how your feeling, if you don’t take steps to feel better, then you will only end up feeling worse and worse until you’re life starts to fall apart too.
^ this is the way. Sometimes we gotta fake it til we make it. In this case, it's making positive decisions to connect
A year is a long time for you to be grieving like this. Not saying it's not okay to still be upset about it but it's to the point that it's affecting your marriage..if you don't seek some help, you're going to be grieving the loss of your BIL and your marriage.
It's okay to mourn, but your wife is your priority. Your mourning can't be used as an excuse to let your relationship with your wife die. You need to deal with this, or you will lose your wife.
Dude you're ruining your own relationship because your sister's husband died. You need help, not just her. See a therapist asap.
You’re too enmeshed in your sister if her grief is affecting your relationship this much. Therapy for you 100% and YTA if you don’t get it soon. I would also suggest you recommend therapy to your sister. You really need to figure out why the fuck you feel guilty about having sex with your wife.
You need to seek therapy for yourself before you tank your relationship. Your wife has been patient and understanding so far, but that's only going to last so long. You need to process your own grief and work on your enmeshment issues.
Did your sister get engaged or married before you? Would you have even gotten married if your sister hadn’t found someone for herself prior? It seems you put your sister above yourself but you have to remember you have your wife now. You can have an active, loving and supportive relationship with your sister without it harming your own marriage. Have you heard the saying, ‘misery loves company?’ It sounds like you need major therapy or you’re going to potentially end up single. In a fucked up way it almost seems like you’d be fine with that because in your mind you’d be able to be on 24/7 call for your sister and you’d both be hurting, evening the score somewhat. It’s as if you believe if your sister isn’t happy you aren’t allowed to be. This is extremely unhealthy and self destructive. I could be off base but that was where my mind first went. I’ve seen people like that and it was extremely toxic and ended in heartbreak if the individuals caught in the crossfire. You don’t have to rub your own happiness in her face but you can still be happy in your own marriage even while your sister is hurting. Please get therapy before your wife becomes a victim with the loss of her husband and marriage. Please don’t believe you can’t have anything your sister doesn’t have. Marriage, family, kids, home, etc.
So you’re saying you feel guilty after sex now…. For what? About enjoying the fact your spouse is still alive? If your sister is a good person I’m sure she is very glad you are not enduring the same thing she’s going through. I understand a trauma bond, but the way you make it sound sounds so much more…. Sexual than it should be. Imagine if the roles were reversed and your wife cut you off for a year because she had to talk to her brother all the time and didn’t want you anymore. You’d probably feel hurt and ignored when you did nothing wrong. Your sister is an adult and in therapy. She doesn’t need two therapists. Especially considering you are sacrificing your own relationship with a woman who’s been supportive of you and your sister. YTA, honestly. I feel for your sister, and I know you feel bad for her, but your question was in regards to sex with your wife. So yes.
>So you’re saying you feel guilty after sex now…. For what? I get the impression that he's gone past the point of just empathy and is actually taking on the feelings of grief for his sister and death of his BIL and feels guilty enjoying things in life when they can't. It's a people pleaser behaviour and a kind of stress that keeps you paralysed from doing things you enjoy until you can solve their problem...its unhealthy and needs intervention. In this case it's probably come from that trauma bond as you mentioned because he's had to protect her and it's just continued, but manifested in an unhealthy way 😢. I can't see any other reason for guilt, that's my take on the first question.
This situation makes me wonder if they were sexually abused as children. I've worked in mental health my entire life and have literally never heard of a situation where the brother's sex life was negatively impacted for an entire year by his sister's husband dying. There is some symbolic stuff going on in this situation that beggars belief. It almost feels like the OP was his sister's pseudo life partner during the time they were being abused only instead of feeling obligated to have sex with her, his job was to protect her from being forced to have sex. That's one reason he came to blows so often with his father. He was happy when another man stepped in to console and protect his sister but when he died OP is somehow mentally back in the partner/protector role. Since no one is threatening the sister sexually, he has no reason to be on guard about sexual things anymore but those instincts are still present so he has transferred them onto his own relationship. Now, on a less than conscious level his wife has become a stand in for the sister and he is limiting her sexual contact for no reason he can discern. It FEELS to the OP like he's doing the right thing because he's very triggered, especially when his sister is calling and being extremely emotional, like she did when they were being abused. In his mind, he needs to take action but in this new context there is no action to be taken because there is no longer an abuser. When you add the excessive amounts of guilt and empathetic grief he feels towards the sister, not having any or very much sex with his wife starts to make more sense. I guess what I'm saying is this situation is exponentially more complicated than it appears at first glance. OP needs individual therapy immediately to help him unpack what is going on in his head. AND I'm not sure this is complicated grief related for the OP even though it clearly is for the sister, so I'm not sure a grief therapist is in order for him.
Happened to me a couple of years ago and the relationship ended. I wish I would have found a way to deal with the grief earlier and allowed myself joy even if other ppl were dead or suffering. It’s not helpful if you are choosing to suffer as well. Life has to go on.
I feel like he’s dealing with the grief of losing his freedom from being his sister’s emotional crutch
Im gonna be blunt, your BILs death blowing up your sex life for over a year because of how intertwined you are in your sisters grief management is absolutely crazy. YTA to your wife.
Fuck. Finally! This whole thread is so gentle and sensitive which is nice but does *anyone* give a shit about OPs *actual wife*? She certainly doesn't deserve this.
Honestly poor ops wife. Sex with her is a chore and causing him guilt.. If she finds this post and left the marriage, i couldn't say I'd blame her. Grief is complex but this goes beyond it. Op needs therapy and needed it a long time ago. As does his sister.
Concise and perfectly said.
I have to agree with you. Poor wife.
Sounds like he’s grieving a lover
YTA you feel guilty about having sex with your own wife because your sister is going through a hard time for like a year. I can’t follow your logic on this one. From your wives perspective you are punishing her and ruining the marriage over a death of someone that lived in another state for like a year. You need to heal or get therapy yourself before you lose your partner too and your sister won’t be a comfort to you because she not that emotional strong
Sorry, what now? You don't like to fuck anymore because your sister's husband died? A year ago? My dude, it's time to get your head shrunk. Find a professional to help sort out whatever concoction of grief and childhood trauma has got you twisted up. You're not an asshole, just go get the help you need.
the sister thing is giving incest
Yes it sure is.
Literally... He feels guilty after having sex w his own wife? 🥴 he can recommend therapy / grief counseling for his sister but can't recognize that he obviously needs it himself? Wiiiiild
Emotional incest at the least
Actually, YES, you are the AH. You gave your sister the site of a good counselor; now you need to talk to one yourself. You seem to have a good handle on the problem of enmeshment with your sister, but you now need to learn how to disentangle from her. While being close to her is nice and comforting, you also have a wife who is part of your life. It is unfair of you to expect her to put her life on hold for an unlimited time. She has a right to rely on you and expect certain things from her marriage. When you married her, you pledged to put her first; you are not doing that. Your marriage won't last with her on the back burner. Death is always difficult, but you need to learn to find comfort in your wife--that's why you married her. She has graciously stepped back to allow you to comfort your sister, but you are taking her for granted. Sex is a great stress release that you may find you need more than you realized. You may end up being sorry if you keep turning your wife down. Listen to what your wife is asking for, and really hear her. she is your future, not your sister.
You have enmeshment issues. Go to a therapist. Intimacy withYour wife should come BEFORE your sister… Seriously
YTA. You and your sister need therapy. Y'all relying too much on each other at these big ages. She needs some friends as well because why is she bugging you all the time? It's nice y'all love each other but damn it sound like she might as well be your wife instead of your actual wife.
I mean technically YTA, your wife should be your priority. That's sad it's been a year and you're still grieving hard, you should probably get therapy then because it's going to strain your marriage if this continues. Unless you want to grieve because your wife left you.
Get help from a grief counselor. This grief you have is more than just your BIL passing away, and IMO, you feel guilty because you have your wife and your sister is alone. Having sex makes you feel guilty because your sister isn't happy, and your sister won't let you heal and move on. If you don't get help, you will single handedly end your marriage. I also think that you are neglecting your marriage along with your wife. Your wife will leave you, and you will realize it when it's too late. I also think that you are going to have all the space you want and need because I think that it's too late for you and too much for you to handle.
Very soft YTA, you said it yourself, you have emeshment issues with your sister. That alone can destroy any romantic relationship. When you married your wife, you agreed to make each other your priority. Your wedding vows might have even included a "forsaking all others." Your sister, depending on you to this degree, doesn't sound normal. It's likely she transferred her reliance on you to her husband. Now that he has passed its back to you. It seems like your sister may be expecting complicated grief. She needs to continue treatment. It is likely you need therapy as well (both couples and individual).Therapy may help you in establishing boundaries with your sister and dealing with all of the feelings from the past year. I'm not a therapist, but I would start by turning my phone on DND at a certain hour, like 8 or 9 pm. I would schedule time each week (like date night)to reconnect with your wife. You may even need certain times each day (like dinner time) where you avoid phone calls and spend time talking. If I were you, I would tell my sister I love you, but this is affecting my mental health and my marriage.
Yea dude u told ur sister to seek therapy u definitely need to speak to someone. Can’t understand why u would feel guilty after having sex with ur wife.
Well, I hope your sister is grateful for your support and will be there when your wife leaves you. Which she will. You need help. You are grieving not so much for your BIL, but for the life and contentment that your sister lost. But carry on like this, you will lose it from your life too. You need therapy and to prioritise time with your wife. Sex, yes, but intimacy, too. You will get all the space you want at this rate.
Yes you idiot. YTA. Keep going like that and you'll have another thing to mourn very soon.
You are rejecting your wife and feel guilty when you don't because you feel disloyal to your sister when you have sex with your wife. Which is very f-ed up. It's emotional incestuous cheating. In your wife's place I would dump you immediately. You are very sick and you are not even trying to get better. YTAH.
YTA for ignoring her and yourself. Its not about sex, you need some grief conseiller also
Soft YTA, because you will drive your wife away. And she'll have every right to leave. I say that as someone who doesn't particularly believe in divorce. You are constantly neglecting your wife for your sister. I understand supporting family in a time of need, but this has gone on too long. She has a therapist. Let her call them. And call one for yourself as well, because you need one. You are completely unfair to your poor wife who has stood by you all this time. She has been quite patient with both you and your sister. And I think you making her feel like she's a chore is completely wrong. Detach from your sister a little and pay attention to your marriage before you don't have one. I think that it's not just sex your wife is frustrated about, but the lack of attention from you. Straighten up dude.
It sounds as if you were in love with him too. Get counseling.
Yta. Your emotions are your responsibility. You have responsibilities to your wife. Figure it out. It's been a. Year. Your brother in law? Jesus man.
You can’t have sex more than once a week because you feel guilty about it the next day…I’m wondering where the guilt is coming from…
Your wife just wants normal again and you're not delivering. Be grateful she's still hounding you and hasn't looked elsewhere. You kinda are the AH. It's awful that your sister has lost her husband I'm not going to dispute that or invalidate your feelings. You need some kind of grief counselling for yourself. I know you want to be there for your sister but you need to let her know what's going on because yeah, she's lost her husband but you're going to lose your wife in a different way and it's your fault for not recognising and doing what needs to be done to prevent it
OP posted 8 hours ago and hasn't answered a single question. This usually means the post is fake.
To be fair, he could've posted this before going to bed and is sleeping, but who knows
He might even be on the phone to his sister, this whole time. Time will tell.
You're fucking weird. Why were you so attracted to your sister's husband?
It’s been a year, you feel like sex is a duty, and sex makes you feel guilty - you need counseling too. You and your sister need to establish boundaries - you’re her support person but you can’t be on call 24/7. Both of you need help processing the loss and moving forward. You need help dealing with the loss of your BIL because if you don’t, it might lead to losing your wife too. It’s a gentle YTA but it will be a bigger one if you don’t get the counseling you need.
Nobody is the ah, your wife is probably feeling you pulling away. You should be in grief counseling, couples therapy wouldn't hurt either. It hurts every time you reject her. She will eventually stop asking and then you will know it's probably too late to fix your marriage. I'm so sorry your sister and you are grieving, shutting out your wife isn't the answer.
Honestly? Yeah, you're an AH. Pushing your wife away is not the answer. I highly suggest you get therapy because you're ruining your relationship. If it was a few weeks or months, I'd understand more, but a whole year of you pushing her away is a lot of strain on a relationship. There is no limit on grief, so I'm not saying you should be 100% okay now, but you are challenging your relationship in a way I don't think you want to. Also, feeling guilty after after sex because your sister lost her husband.... that's not normal. Therapy, and I hope you apologize to your wife for telling her to leave you alone.
Yta. You need therapy. You and your sister are codependent and you are abandoning your wife and marriage because of your enmeshment with your sister. This isn't healthy for anyone and you are destroying your relationship. You owe your wife an apology and you need to start therapy yesterday.
Yes. YTA
And who will take care of your wife's needs if it's not you?? it's not like she can just switch off her needs just cause u have a very weird attachment to your sister and not even seeking therapy
Do you love your wife? If so get to individual therapy and also couples counselling. Because right now you are destroying your marriage. You are being intentionally cruel and harsh to your wife, yet being the sympathetic brother to your sister. Just think how that is destroying your wife. Updateme!
So, divorce your wife, marry your sister because that's where you're headed. Your sister needs grief counseling, I am a fan of grieving. I think it is a most necessary part of healing. But grieving indefinitely and making your grief your life and personality is extremely unhealthy. At some point, it stops being grief, and you're just depressed. Get your sister the help she needs and focus on your marriage.
The fact that you BIL died affects your sex life is bizarre. You need Some serious mental help. My BIL and I were best friends before he even met my sister. I really was very good friends until the day he passed. I was sad he passed but it never even had a 1% effect on my everyday living. I loved my mom and day as much as any son could , but when they passed, I accepted it and went on with my life as they would have wanted. You on the other hand seem to be obsessed with losing someone that is not even a blood relative to the extent it affects your sex life! Wow that a stretch. If you are a normal healthy man that produces sex fluids, you will want to relieve that pressure. Quit jerking off and screw your wife!
YTA and need therapy yourself. The two things shouldn't have anything to do with each other and it's now impacting your relationship.
Your brother in law passing caused this? Go to family therapy if you value you your relationship.
You better figure it out, because not only have you lost your BIL but you may lose your wife too. I’ll get downvoted for what I am about to say, but….buck up. It’s been a year. Be intimate with your wife or someone else will. If you want to go through a divorce because your physical intimacy is gone and someone else has taken your place then continue on your path. She is telling you what she needs…and it seems as though you don’t care. She has given you a year to get yourself together. You give her once a week, honestly if you’re honest with yourself it probably isn’t even that. And it probably isn’t a stellar performance.
Have you been doing grief therapy yourself?
YTA. Yta to yourself for not getting therapy a long time ago to help deal with your enmeshment issues. Why do you feel guilty about having sex with your wife? Why has your libido been so affected by your BIl passing? Obviously this has been very traumatic for everyone involved, but you are actively pushing your wife away in favour of enabling your sisters traumatic and terrible coping mechanisms. Get therapy please. And talk to your wife properly, or you will lose her.
Sounds like your depressed and need therapy before your marriage ends. Your making ur partner feel not wanted/loved or her needs being met. eventually she will find someone that will give her what you can't if you don't get out of ur depression
Seems like you might be sabotaging your own relationship due to guilt for your sister. If you aren't already, you also need grief counseling... and maybe therapy. If you feel you can't be happy if your sister isn't happy, that's a problem.
This is affecting your life. Get counseling.
Get counseling before you lose your wife. And you need to set boundaries with your sister. She shouldn’t be calling during the night or dumping on you. She needs more therapy and coping skills.
You feel guilty having sex? There’s the issue
Yes, you are. You can’t abandon and neglect your wife because of hardships in your life. Those things impact us and do cause changes but it is our responsibility to figure out how to heal from them, and neglecting the people who love you isn’t okay. Relationships have two people in them so just as she needs to be there to support you and be loving and patient with your feelings of grief you also need to be there for her needs. For women (and maybe men too) sex isn’t just physical it’s emotional, and her emotions and feelings matter too. It takes two, and you need to also be present. At least try to be romantic with her and you may be surprised that it rekindles your libido and those desires.
YTA. It’s not ok that a year after the death of your BIL you feel guilty after sex & that it’s a chore. You’re the asshole for not dealing with your grief & you’re the asshole for putting your sisters emotional needs over your wife’s. You need to be dealing with this actively. If this was 2 months after the death I’d understand, but you cannot put your life on hold indefinitely without putting your marriage in danger & alienating your wife & causing massive resentment.
You are definitely the AH You also have a sad story but you are choosing to continue to make things worse. Seek help not pity
It’s very sad your sister lost her husband, and I get you want to support her. But it’s not healthy or normal that your sisters grief has affected your sex drive to this extent, especially a year later. And it’s not fair that you expect your wife to just be ok with weekly duty sex, or resent her for wanting more, when you used to have it much more often. Definitely seek therapy to deal with the enmeshment issues before they ruin your marriage.
So wait let me get this straight. You told your sister to get therapy but then you yourself knowing you have some issues didn't invest in your own relationship by getting therapy? Dude I think you need to take a deeper look at yourself. Your wife's not asking for much and you're blowing her off. Stop taking responsibility for your sister's feelings and look at your wife and what you're doing to her. Give it another year and that's the only thing you're going to be grieving is the loss of your wife because you seem to care more about your sister than your own life. So yes I do believe this makes you the a****** congratulations.
Honestly, you should be fucking twice as much. Your brother ain’t around, you gotta enjoy life for him. Instead you’re here on Reddit asking if you’re an ass. Yeah you are. Edit: dude that was some drama queen stuff, I get loving your brother in law. This is just crazy, you need help kiddo. You’re not right. Also that enmeshment, is a kin to Oedipus complex. You’re not going through it because of your mom, but the first female you had feelings for and defended. You need help, you do have a strange attraction to your sister. I get Yall went through shit, but it’s not healthy kiddo.
You need therapy, not reddit. Info: Did you have something to do with your BiL's death? No, then why do you feel guilty that you still have a living loving spouse and your sister doesn't? I'm sure you loved your BiL but you are nuking your marriage right now. Would he want that for you and your wife? Seriously doubt it. You need to put boundaries on the calls with your sister, period. Once a week she can talk about how sad she is that he's gone, all other calls have to be good memories she has of him. And you need to enforce that rule. Wallowing in grief doesn't get you through it, it just mires you into the muck more and more. There's some serious codependence going on with you and your sister. It's understandable, but not acceptable. You have responsibilities as a husband to your wife. No judgement, seek help.
Your not an asshole, but you do have serious issues. You need therapy badly. What you're doing to your wife is not normal. I'm confused though on what your BIL death has to do with you not having sex with your wife. I'm failing too see the connection. Please get therapy, before you end up divorced.
How can you support your sister if you can't take proper care of yourself.
Your grief is real and understandable. Your feelings are valid and real. But your grief and your feelings are ultimately yours to deal with. They are now affecting the intimacy in your marriage. This is not just a relationship. It should be the central relationship of your life. Your wife has been reasonable and tried to open a discussion about this. You have stonewalled her. Regardless of what you're feeling, that is not acceptable. Deal with it. Tell her you can't now, but tell her when you will. Ask for her help if you don't know. All are acceptable; stonewalling is not. You need to understand the risk here. You can't just let this run on without resolution. Your marriage may depend on it.
Info: are you also in therapy? You’re not an asshole for feeling grief but you are if you don’t work to fix it. A year is a long time. That’s not “give me space” territory. She’s been giving you space.
Losing someone close to you is difficult, but neglecting the needs of the person who probably has your back the most is a bad move. Get yourself some help but don't debt her what she needs. That's not fair to her and won't help you in the long term.
I did not see anyone else say this, but I wonder if you may actually have some resentment against your BIL that is causing you some guilt. He relived you of some obligations to your sister that came rushing back into you when he died, just now with the added layer of addressing his death and loss too. It would be very normal to resent this. It would also be very normal for that resentment to cause you guilt and shame. I really hope you get a therapist you can unpack this with by yourself.
I don't see how his issues with sex and his brother-in-law passing away could be related. I really think there's something effed up here.
You lost me at the part where you have guilt the next day from sleeping with your wife. Everything at least made some sense up to that point. Feeling guilt over being intimate with your wife is not healthy or normal whatsoever. Are you trying to replace your brother in law, and be everything to your sister? Do you feel guilty for experiencing pleasure your sister no longer has access to? Do you feel guilty for still having a partner when your sister doesn't? Whatever it is, your feelings aren't rational and are going to cause you to lose your own marriage. Get help, don't sabotage your own relationship like this.
##You need therapy
Keep pushing your wife away and you're not going to have a marriage for much longer. You need to deal with your grief because the way you're dealing with it now is incredibly unhealthy and incredibly unfair to your wife. Because of your history, you need a therapist with come background in both trauma and complex grief. YTA.
Not sure on judgement but you need therapy or you're going to lose your marriage. Is that what you want?? And why do you feel guilty for having sex with your wife?? ETA it's great to support your sister but that shouldn't be at the detriment to your MH/marriage
You feel guilty? Please see a therapist before this costs you your marriage.
You both should go to therapy. How frequently would you find acceptable for.her to talk about sex? Try to find a reasonable answer to this..maybe with the help of therapy.
NTA, but your sister needs to stop calling you in the middle of the night. I would hazard a guess It's impacting on more than just your sex life to have her calling at all hours. You aren't a trained therapist. And even if you were, you aren't removed from the situation- that's why therapists can't treat family. You need to get yourself some therapy too, and your sister needs to find another sounding board.
You need therapy. And frankly, your sister needs to back up a bit; you’re acting like her Emotional Support Human at your wife’s expense. Every time that happens, it reignites the grief for both of you, and that’s more important to you than your wife’s happiness. Sexual incompatibility is a justified reason for divorce, and you’re neglecting her in favor of grief, grief that your sister keeps bringing back. You and your sister need therapy. Maybe even together. YTA for not seeking a way to process your grief sooner. Same to your sister. The both of you need to get it together through therapy and grief support groups. You’re hurting your wife, and it’s not just about sex.
Yeah it sounds like you need that grief counselor too.
You needed counseling before the BIL passed because you’ve allowed yourself to be responsible for your sisters emotional wellbeing. You are a grown man with a family and while I empathize with your sister, you need to set boundaries so her behavior doesn’t continue to affect your home life. Unfortunately you two already have shared trauma from childhood so now you’re engaging in trauma bonding which is not allowing you to rationalize that this behavior isn’t normal. My judgement is NAH but you would be TA if you continue down this path and ruin your marriage without setting boundaries and resolving your OWN issues through therapy
Your pulling away from your wife and dare I say neglecting her. I do understand your grief and greatly feel for your sister and your past trauma, but if you don’t reconnect with your wife and get some therapy yourself, you are in danger of losing her. I know it’s not right but if you’re not willing to show her the time and affection someone else will.
You need therapy NOW before the damage to your marriage becomes permanent.
Of course YTA You need to get to therapy before you ruin your marriage. WTF are you feeling guilty for? Life is for the living. Live it.
You need therapy as well. Talk to your wife and tell her you are struggling.
I can't believe I have to say this but... FUCK YOUR WIFE OR SOMEONE ELSE WILL. Then again this post sounds fake as hell so whatever.
A year is an unusually long time for someone to be affected by something like this. You need to seek some counseling.
I’m hesitant to call you an AH b/c I think the trauma bond you have w/your sister has lead to unhealthy co-dependency issues. You are destroying your marriage due to your childhood trauma. You need therapy immediately. Preferably trauma therapy. It’s clear you’re deliberately sabotaging your marriage b/c you feel it’s unfair for you to be happily married when your sister has lost her spouse. It’s like you two must live your lives in equal happiness or sadness at all times. That’s not healthy at all. You & your sister are separate human beings w/separate lives. You each have your own paths to follow. You can support your sister in her grieving AND still be happy & fulfilled in your own marriage. Those two things can be done at the same time.
You need counseling to deal with grief and enmeshement. In your wife’s shoes I’d do the same: communicate my needs to my partner.
As someone else pointed out, you seem to be taking on the burden of your sister’s grief/grieving a more than is healthy. You can’t control your sister, but you and her need to ween each other off of that pattern of her relying so much on you (easier said than done). Your sister is weighing heavily on your marriage. Your wife is paying for it. Asshole? No, not really; mostly a loving brother. That said, you’re edging into that territory.