NTA. Pump the brakes on marrying this man baby who runs home to mommy when his temper tantrum doesn’t get him what he wants, then he has his family gang up on his pregnant girlfriend. He does not care about you, your wants or your needs. He is selfish, self centered, manipulative, a bully, abusive and honestly, a complete tool.
It seems you’re only marrying him because you don’t want your child born out of wedlock. Please reconsider. His mask is slipping since now he’s trapped you with a pregnancy and next a marriage. This is what abusers do.
You need to talk to your brother and see if your dipshit baby daddy has been saying anything to him, like threats or how things are going to be when he’s the man of the house. Based on what you’ve said, I bet he either has or has some grand plans as to how life will be in your home.
And for the love of god, do not put that man on the deed to your house. In fact, if you go through with the marriage, get a prenup. Bet he loses his shit when you do.
You are a great mom to your brother and you did it all on your own. He’s your child and you are absolutely, positively doing the right thing here. You will be a great mom to your baby as well. If you marry this man you’ll just be parenting another child.
This man is 1000% going to toss your brothers things on the yard the second your brother is 18. He does not care about what you want, it's all about him, leave him with his mommy for 2 weeks and just notice how much easier your life is.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he started trying to get her to give up guardianship to another family member within a month if being married. He’s acting very resentful of him.
Agreed! This man is trying to mark his territory! Look all around you OP he has pissed a circle all around you and your brother is on the other side of the road! This is a blessing in disguse! He would make your, the baby and your brothers life hell.
No he is 13 . 14 is the birthday she claims he would turn on the wedding day.
Maths tells us she is making this up.
She aged 10 years from death of her parents 20 to 30.
He HAD TO have aged at least 9 already or 10 accounting for different times of the year.
So she is lying. He has to be at least 14 already.
Yeah thats the crazy thing. He isnt just her younger brother (WHICH IS STILL A GOOD REASON TO HAVE SOMEONE IN A WEDDING), OP is literally his mother by any social conventions of motherhood except birth.
Most Mothers absolutely would have their children in their wedding.
In this case it would be so sweet for her brother to walk her down the aisle before he served as Man of Honor.
What do you bet that he volunteered his dad for aisle duty?
And if OP has any hard evidence of negative treatment by her fiancé (hopefully ex now) to her brother, she should be looking at providing that to her lawyer for custody of the baby
Yes! This dude sounds like a future evil stepfather. You are better off him. Once the baby is born he would probably treat your brother way worse. Good luck OP ❤️ You deserve a better man
Don't marry this guy. He has made his priorities very clear and will eventually try to move your brother out of your life. Especially after the baby arrives.
I wish I could up vote this 100+ times lol.
That whole running to mommy thing ugh! I'm sorry OP but if this is how he is now... can you imagine the mommy drama when your parenting ideas are different? Sweetheart please take your brother and baby and run for all of y'all's sakes.
Yeah, it's a little sketchy when he wants to have the wedding (and thus all subsequent anniversaries) the same day as little brother's birthday. Almost like he's claiming the day, and wife is going to have to choose between them (the couple) and little bro.
The fact that he ran to mommy tho...
If this dude doesn't understand he needs to win his relationship battles without his mom, this dude ain't grown up enough to be in a relationship
Listen to this advice. He is trying to cut your brother out of your life and his family is telling you who has to be in your wedding party. It is your wedding too, you get to make decisions without having to clear them with him or his family.
He is showing you who he is and what he wants your life together to look like. His version doesn't include your brother or your family.
I've been on reddit long enough to know how this ends. She's pregnant, and he's going to think that once they're married she should send her brother to live with someone else because now she has a real child and he shouldn't have to raise her brother as their kid.
Perfectly said. James is jealous of Matt. That’s why he fought to have the wedding on Matt’s birthday so every year he could have an excuse not to celebrate his birthday because it is the wedding anniversary that didn’t work so he next best thing is to alienate him and make him feel like he’s not wanted. He wants his brother as best man and his sister as maid of honour and his nephew as ring barer. He’s a sorry sad excuse of a man.
My ex wife did this. My best man was my good friend and I fought tooth and nail. The other groomsmen ended being her bridesmaids friends. Other than my friend, not a single groomsmen showed up before the wedding to help me out and calm my ass down. Instead the 2 dudes went fishing down where the pictures were being taken. I was an asshole for not being ready on time but she told my dad I didn't want his help (not true, I couldn't even tie my tie on the tux she picked) . She blocked my family from being involved and did her best to not invite some of them by "handling the invites so I didn't stress over my forgetfulness."
My only wedding decision other than best man was the song after the ceremony and I wish I hadn't used it because it would have been more apt for my second wife, where we did it all together.
Song was the olive tree, by scale the summit. Was played as we left to go sign legal stuff and the guests were exiting.
Do you think this has any financial motives? After all OP owns the house. I think OP should tell thas AH that the house really belongs to her brother and see how he reacts!
That’s what I was thinking too. He baby-trapped her and thought he’d be able to push her brother out of their lives after getting her pregnant and then marrying her.
I wonder what messed up stuff he’s been saying to her brother.
Listen to this OP please. So many red flags that he could be hosting a CCP meeting.
Your brother should NOT be cast aside for his sister. His mom and sister should not be hounding you about the wedding.
He is showing you who he is and it will only get worse after you get married.
Just this girl. Don't even look for anything else. Please you would be better off without this man. Please Dont fall for this crappy man. God is giving you clear signs in BOLD, read and run. Better to stay single rather than be married to this jerk.
These are abuse tactics. Please someone link Lundy!
This is a huge deal that may not realise is a huge deal.
I had a resentful stepfather. I have extreme mental health disorders as a direct result.
My brother was born when I was 12. I'm 42 now, and I don't regret doing everything I could to protect him so he didn't have to suffer like your brother will suffer. He is probably already suffering, and a deep, supportive conversation is needed with him to uncover what he's been told and how he's been treated by your fiance.
Please, talk to your brother and let him know that he's more important, his need to feel safe at home is your highest priority, that he needs to give you his honest feelings about your fiance and that you're an adult and will make the best decision for you, him and the new baby.
Please use your intuition, be honest with him that some things have come up that have given you time to think. In addition, sometimes children will lie and tell you everything is fine if they think you've sacrificed a lot for them and they want you to be happy. If they think a partner makes you happy, they will take any abuse to avoid hurting you. You know your brother best, so ask him things in various ways, in a safe environment, where there will be no backlash, and that you assure him will be kept between the two of you. Watch his body language. You will know in your gut the right answer.
Eight weeks isn’t too late for an abortion, if she chooses, in many jurisdictions. It may be the only way to be free of this controlling, potentially dangerous man.
Please please OP, consider if this is a dynamic you want to bring a child into.. are you open to ending this pregnancy kindly to free you, your brother and a potential future child from this disaster of a human? I know ill get hate for this but please please consider this option. He'll have access to control you for the remainder of that little person's childhood.
OP, if you marry this man, he will be talking about having your brother move in with your aunt or some other relation within the month so you two can start your "real family". He sees your brother as a disposable obstacle in the way of the life he wants, and he *will* try to remove him sooner or later. Protect yourself, your brother, and your unborn child and do not marry this person.
Nailed it. You can totally see where this is headed.
Firstly the super fast proposal is always a red flag for me. In this day and age there's just no reason to propose after 3 months. This is barely just entering the getting to know you territory.
Then erasing her began. First the ridiculous plot to schedule the wedding on her brother's birthday.
Then the brother can't be the best man (that's fair), but can't be ring bearer cause HIS cousin is, and can't be man of honor (even though that should be the bride's choice) cause again, he's slotted HIS family into that role.
When she brings up the fact it's her wedding too - he cracks the shits, storms off, sooks to his family who then blow up her phone.
Okay - so this is why you don't marry people you don't know. This man is garbage and so are his family. Pregnant or not, this dude is going to control every single aspect of your life - and guarantee one of the first will be trying to remove your brother from the house.
You'd be an absolute pinecone to marry this pill.
my parents weren't dating long before they got engaged, BUT they had a long engagement. My mom even says it was too quick but the long engagement sort of balanced things out. My dad's daughter from his first marriage was the flower girl, and my mom's nephew/my cousin was the ring bearer. It's called having respect for each other's families and loved ones. It's not that hard for a grown-up, which OP's clown has proven he's not.
Some people are madly in love and make a mutual decision to marry early on in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that, if that’s really what they want. Deciding maybe you should marry because of a pregnancy, regardless of how long you’ve been involved, is never the right move. Marriage is a decision that should be made on its own merits, because two people love, respect, and support each other, and want to build a life together. They know they’re better together than apart. They make each other a better person, build each other up, and can’t imagine walking through life’s pitfalls and good times with anyone else. Children can be a part of marriage, but they aren’t the reason for marriage.
Also he was angling to set things up so your brother’s birthday would be pushed aside for your anniversary for the foreseeable future. That’s the lead read flag in a red flag parade.
Honestly, as the younger sister of an older sister that married a guy after only 2 months of knowing him I’d argue that the lead red flag was him proposing after only dating for 3 months! Like, to each their own I guess, accuse me of projecting or whatever, but that’s wild to me.
I love how asshat went from a censor of asshole to a common term. I love SAs profanity filters when you're not logged in, I've been seeing it there since 2000.
In most cases I agree. Except for my favorite aunt. She married my (favorite) uncle 3 Weeks after she met him. And they were in love and happy for over 40 years. The odds against it working are astronomical but as they say the exception proves the rule.
Oh, for sure, there are definitely couples out there where it goes great! I love when it does, I’d call myself a romantic at heart. But in this case it’s definitely a red flag to me, especially when followed by a bunch of other, brighter red flags.
Sometimes it’s just right. But even having been one of those people with a quick proposal where it’s worked out, I’d be very nervous if one of my kids got engaged after two and a half months (the timeline for me and my husband).
Not a best man unless they have a really close relationship, which they should. But he should definitely be a groomsmen. He's not a child, he's a young man. The fiance should respect him as a young man and a friend, and you should be an honored groomsmen. As far as I'm concerned, he can have as many groomsmen as he wants but the brother should be one of them. I don't think suggesting you the best man is appropriate. I don't mind the brother of honor but I think better to be invited into the mail fraternity of the fiance and his friends. It really is something he should have been reasonable about and probably should have gone along with the birthday party as well unless it was some very special date for him .
His unwillingness to include and care about the little brother of a very bad sign. They really should be a package deal.
To be honest, this suggests to me that the fiance and the little brother have not developed a close relationship, and that seems a little suspect to me. Maybe she should have thought twice about marrying a guy that doesn't embrace her little brother.
Naw, there is no need for him to be a groomsman. That's for the grooms closest friends.
My wife has two brothers and neither were my groomsmen, my sister wasn't her bridesmaid and on the other side I wasn't a groomsman in my sister's weddings. And that's perfectly ok. There is no reason to force the relationship to be closer than it is.
Him being a bridesman or man of honor is perfectly fine or maybe even have him walk her down the aisle.
But regardless, his adverse reaction to everything is an awful sign, and ide call off the wedding. They don't have to be best friends, and he doesn't have to be a father figure, but he should be happy to have him involved somehow.
>Naw, there is no need for him to be a groomsman. That's for the grooms closest friends.
Then there's no need for the groom's cousins to be bridesmaids, either.
The fiance is AH for sure, and has lots of red flags, OOP should reconsider the marriage, but I liked the idea that brother is walking side by side with the bride (not givin away, but as if they are moving together to a happy future) That would have been the best option IMO, and if the uncle was giving away, brother could have been on the other side too.
I'm just sorry for OOP that she has to endure this douchebag for rest of her life because of the joint custody of the baby.
Exactly, it's unfair that he's not willing to accommodate your wishes for your brother's role in the wedding when his family members have prominent roles. Your brother deserves to be honored in a way that's meaningful to you both.
Your first mistake was saying yes to someone after 3 months. Your subsequent mistakes were not calling off the wedding every time he showed his ass. So really what is it going to take for you to wake tf up
*after three months of dating he proposed*
This was already a red flag that should have given you pause about him.
Then allllllll of the other shit - your STBX is jealous of your brother and has planned to cancel him from your/his life after the wedding. I'd be 100% rethinking having a kid with someone like this. He will be jealous of the baby and thinking up ways to destroy that kid's self-esteem, place in the family and more.
Trying to set the wedding date on her brother’s birthday and trying to stick to it was a pretty big one, too. That was very, very deliberate. I can be terrible with dates with dates, so I can give a half hearted pass to the initial pick of that date if we give benefit of the doubt he forgot. But since his first response wasn’t whoops, my bad, of course we should pick another date, it is guaranteed the plan to use that date to try and erase little bro a bit.
And also so every subsequent year it’ll be their anniversary and he will probably insist on taking her away. So no more ever having to celebrate her little brother’s birthday. Very deliberate and very controlling, run!
And.... can you say prenup! OP owns a house (possibly with her brother). If potential spouse comes along and helps pay for a new stove or roof - it could potentially then become a marital asset and in the case of divorce, she'd be forced to sell and split the money.
Based on the timeline she has explained, she seems farther along than just an early pregnancy. She said earlier this year they decided to get married before the baby is born. Even if she found out in April she could already be 12 weeks along, if not further. Wonder if it’s an option to end the pregnancy based on timeline and location.
The importance of getting married prior to the child's birth tells me that an abortion wouldn't be an option she would ever choose. I'm guessing her faith has something to do with her wanting to be married first. I just hope that it doesn't lead her into a marriage with this jerk. Hopefully he'll choose to bow out of the child's life altogether. She's raised her brother as a single mom. She can do the same with the baby.
There are way worse things than having a child out of wedlock. Like being in an abusive marriage and abusers always will be financially abusive.
You have a house & inheritance to plunder. Your little brother is in the way & he will make that child's life hell. And teenage years aren't the best ones for bring in another adult figure into their life. Especially one bent on sabotaging your relationship with your brother.
He sent flying monkeys to battle for him, he doesn't fight fair. He is using them all to gang up on you & alienate your brother.
He love bombed you & then baby trapped. Time to make you feel off balanced & question your own mind. Alienating your brother before the marriage is a bold step.
This needs to be top comment imo.
Dude is going to abuse her brother, isolate OP and abuse her too. She's baby trapped.
Do not marry or continue a relationship with this person. He is bad bad news.
He wants your money and house, first kicking your brother out and making you do everything bc you'll stay 'for the baby'. If I had a penny for every woman who thinks staying
is the right thing to do...
Nothing good will come of this. Your own child will also be abused by him, he is exactly the type to be jealous of his own child.
Imagine being jealous of a 14 year old orphaned child who lost his parents in a traumatic accident *that he was also a victim of*.
Throw the entire “man” out. What a pile of garbage he and his family is.
NTA.
NTA
OP, this man is showing you exactly who he is and will be. His family and his wants and his needs will always be his priority. Please, for the love of your brother, pack this jerk's crap up & leave on front lawn for him to pick up immediately.
Out of curiosity...has this fool been living in your house & sponging off you?
This! He will not improve how he treats your brother. I am sure your brother looks at you as a mother figure and you are amazing for what you are doing for him! ❤️
NTA
He is showing you his true colors of how he will treat your brother once you are married. He is like the evil step mother. He obviously does not understand the level of relation between yall, you are not just his sister, but his guardian, his parental figure- you have been raising him the majority of his life.
He is showing big big red flags.
NTA. He just saved you a miserable marriage. You have worked so hard for your brother’s stability, do not throw it away now by letting this man back in your home. Co-parent with him if you continue the pregnancy, but consider yourself warned. An adult man should not have that much anger toward a child. Do not let him live with your brother. Find out what shit he’s already told your brother when you couldn’t hear. He will slight your brother over his child every chance he gets. Your brother will suffer if you marry this man or let him live with you again.
NTA.
What your brother can do is basically take over the father of the bride duties. My grandfather died years ago and my father gave away my aunt and had a brother sister dance.
But you seem to have a bigger problem in that your “fiancé” is trying to phase your brother out of your life. He sounds like an evil stepfather. And his family sounds like they figured since your parents are out of the picture, it gives them free rein to do whatever they want.
Before you get married the 2 of you need to talk about what things will be like with your brother in the future.
I love the idea of the brother walking her down the isle, but at her wedding to someone else. Fiancé sucks, I would tell him no family can be in the wedding party just to be petty and still call off the wedding.
NTA. Pump the brakes on the marriage. There are too many red flags here. 1. He’s sending his mother & sister to fight his battles 2. He’s not picking up the phone 3. He’s sending others to pick up his stuff. My personal opinion he’s trying to break you, so that you’ll agree.
My recommendation if you decide to continue with this relationship, you need to figure out what your red line is. You are bringing a child in the world with this man, if he’s trying to walk all over you now imagine what he and his family will do when you have a baby. If you decide to not continue with this relationship, you need to come up with a birth plan that doesn’t involve him. He’s the kind of person I wouldn’t trust in the delivery room because he would make it about him.
4. He proposed after 3 months
5. He's inserted his family into almost every position in the wedding party
6. Initially wanted her brother's birthday as the wedding date
INFO: Has your brother ever brought up your fiance being mean to him or anything like that?
NTA. You need to keep him away from your brother. That much animosity towards a kid isn't healthy nor should your brother be around that. Him wanting you to throw your wedding on his birthday, him not wanting your brother to be a part of your wedding; it literally sounds like he wants you to cut your brother from your life.
NTA - he’s a waving red flags telling you who he is. Believe him.
If you haven’t already contact a financial planner to protect your assets, your brother, and your child.
NTA. Sounds like you saved yourself a divorce. He will never see your brother in a fatherly way, only a nuisance.
Don't marry him if you want a happy life for you and your brother. Marry him if you want to be controlled by a man and his family who don't care about your brother at all.
NTA.
I came into my marriage with a child, similar to you. (For all intents and proposes, you’re his mother and have been for most of his life). I made it clear to my husband: my child will be treated with respect. You kick him out, I’m going with him. That’s just how it’s going to be.
Be prepared to make a choice and stand by it. If you choose your brother, it won’t be the wrong one.
If the only issue was where to fit your brother in the ceremony, I'd advise to have him do the "give away" ritual in lieu of your late dad.
Buuut, your fiance's behavior is a HUGE red flag. He is making every person in the wedding party one of his relatives and throwing a fit first at your brother being a part and then your brother attending the wedding at all.
Listen to me. He will not stop there. He is throwing neon signs that as soon as y'all are married, he's going to try to get rid of your brother. He will use your unborn child as the excuse. He does not see your brother as your child. He wants only his "real" family around and none of yours.
NTA, seriously evaluate some things. I understand it's not as simple because of the baby. But that man is projecting an attitude that is dangerous for your brother.
So many odd hills for Matt and his family to kill your relationship on. Why was it such a struggle to choose a different date than your brother's birthday? Matt wants his best friend to be his best man, okay that's reasonable, but why does he think he gets to choose the bridal party? Why is his family so disrespectful toward the brother that you raised from the age of 5 and are obviously close to? And why is their strategy to try to persuade you otherwise to insult and belittle you and your brother?
There's just too many flags here. Anyway, NTA.
NTA it seems your fiance is butthurt about your brother being so important to you. You could have at least have Matt as YOUR man of honor, I mean, you're the bride, but he wants all his people to take over the important roles.
One 🚩 after another.
Think really about if you want to marry this man.
Runs to his mother, trys to shut your family out of your life, because it won't end at the wedding.
OP NTA but if OP stays with this "man" OP is Y T A to themself and little brother.
Oh lady, when I saw the header, my first thought was harsh, and should be equal to.
Having read your story. Lady, I would not only burn that bridge but carpet bomb both roads leading to it.
That is a very, very, insecure man. Who is jealous of your brother and your commitment and love to him, which, by the way is everything you could ever ask of a big sister. I know, i have one who looked after me even though my parents were alive. Everything about what you have said is a majorly red flag, so big it would need a crane to hold it up.
He acts like a child, tries to dictate your wedding, and making every attempt to push your brother out into " a guest role". And when he can't get his way, he runs to mummy.
This will be your future if you stay with him.
1. Try to get him into boarding school.
2. Mentally torture him to get him to run away.
3. Likely to get physical but set it up to incriminate the brother.
4. Be kept away from the husband's family.
5. Manipulate and control you, which is happening already.
You need to end it now and have your peace, your brothers peace, and a happy future. Your brother will leave one day to forge his future, but you will always be his big sis/mum. Don't let any one get in the way of that.
**ESH. Don’t get engaged after only 3 months of dating! Life isn’t a Hallmark movie. You two clearly weren’t on the same page about values. Bf is the bigger asshole since he should’ve inferred that your guardianship of your brother made you, for all intents and purposes, a single mother. Which means his decision to minimize your bro’s presence in the wedding was a major asshole move.**
Oh my, what are you doing with this man child? Why, after all the hardships you have gone through, make an active choice to make your life harder? I hope you at least have a prenup if you’re going through with the wedding. And you have to know he’ll want your brother gone after you’re married right? Don’t tell me you can’t see that. He’ll only want HIS family and that is not your brother.
This isn’t even about your brother. Your fiancé sound like a narc. Knowing your history, he should be putting you brother next to you, and not behind you. This man doesn’t really care about your personal life, nor your closest desires. First the birthday, then the honorary thing. And now ghosting. Also including his family in y’all’s problems, pressuring you into accepting his will.
Consider having an abortion. Two months is still possible as its the first trimester.
Your fiancé seems immature and selfish. You don’t want a lifetime attachment to someone who may sabotage you, your brother and your unborn child.
Anyone can have a child, but not everyone can achieve good life outcome with a good life? Without your parents and your brother as a dependent, you are more vulnerable to the misfortunes of life.
NTA
Before you get married to him, you need to secure your brother's future. You are still his guardian.
So talk it out with your fiancé:
(a) Where will your brother stay after the wedding?
(b) Who will pay for his expenses, like food, school, college, etc?
(c) If something happens to you, what part of your estate will your brother inherit?
It sounds to me like your fiancé wants to marry you but he doesn't want your brother to remain as a part of your life.
So you should clear up all these questions.
I'm late here, I didn't read every comment, so forgive me if this has been said, but it sounds like your fiance is trying to get rid of your brother. I don't think he realizes he would be like a step father figure to your brother.
>There were many issues where we fought and resolved, for example the wedding date the date my fiancé wanted for the wedding was on my brother's birthday.
>so I offered the week after in which we argued, and
The wedding venue had 2 dates a week apart from each other and he feels the need to use the date that's on your brother's birthday? I would understand his point if it was the only day available in said month and he wanted the wedding that day for seasonal purposes, but a week later is just ridiculous for him to fight about. Obviously ridiculous that he cried to his mommy.
NTA. But have you even considered that your brother could take the place of your dad and walk you down the aisle to give you away’? That is the greatest honour you could give to your brother and nobody could object to it.
Do not marry this man. Dude is strange to get that fired up over the wedding. Your brother is important. Do not let this man win he is a control freak.
Typically your spouse should be more important than your sibling, but this situation is different than most since you're brother is almost like your own child since you basically raised him. Either way, fiance is being an asshole by not letting you have your brother in the wedding party however you choose.
NTA. I really believe both the bride and the groom are entitled to decide who are their maids of honor and best men, or in your case, your brother of honor. So the fact that he decided for all his family members to do stuff in the wedding but neglected to include your own brother, whom you've taken care of since he was five, is both crazy and selfish.
Your fiancé doesn't seem to see your brother as part of the family, which is concerning. How have they gotten along until now?
NTA
Guests do not participate in the wedding. They are spectators. His sister can be a bridesmaid. This guy didn’t even come up with a role. Frankly a sibling takes precedence over a nephew absent some very good reason which doesn’t exist here.
Your potential in-laws are awful.
Walk now. Actually. Run.
He is trying to gradually remove your brother from your life ، After marriage, he will tell you that he needs privacy
Then he will tell you that his sister does not feel comfortable around your brother
Then things start disappearing from the house and ............... you find them in your brother's drawer
I know you are pregnant and you should be thinking about your child, but do you really want this for someone to be the father of your child?
NTA. I am pretty sure he is not 31. A fuckin baby can think better that this ass wipe. Don't go back to this dude, have the talk you need for closure, but my complete advice is to not go through with the wedding.
A few things you need to be careful of:
- Your Brother- check on him. If he has a phone and if he is on you phone plan,block that dumbasses number. Or you can just block it from his phone. Tell him to tell you directly if he gets threatened or is bullied by anyone including the mother and the sister.
If it happened then file those together to a document and go get your self a lawyer and a restraining order on all of them if necessary.
- Financial Security- Check you bank accounts, shared assets and anything that has financial value. If it's a furniture or item take photos of anything before it leaves your house. Again document it. If you have any shared accounts take what you put in and keep the receipts don't lose it. Don't put his name on anything. I mean anything that is yours. If you have started a process to have his name on assets, when you are the original owner then stop the process completely and inform the required authorities to stop it.
- Legal and Social Security- Document everything not a single thing left. Texts, calls, Your Google location for alibi, this is for your evidence. It might seem excessive but it doesn't harm you in anyway. And it's better to be safe than sorry. After documentation if anything stands out like abuse on you brother or other things contact you lawyer and see what you can do. Tell your side of family and friends what happened. Before this dumbass starts to go off lying and making something up. It's important that you tell it first to your friends and family.
Last but not least, having to completely isolate your family and friends from the wedding is not something a sane person would do. He would have tried to get close to them and know them not just block them out. I bet the 2 friend where there because you included them first or he didn't have enough cousin to fill that gap. In any case have your closure with him and Leave him and take care of you brother.
But by some miracle you decide to stay with this dumbass, get a prenup Before signing the marriage certificate. And don't back down on the prenup no matter what.
Solid relationship don't involve running to your family and involving them in your disagreements. EVER.
Learning to argue well is an art that should be embraced. It should stay on point (not bring up everything ever done wrong in the past), there should be no insulting (You can say, FU, not modified with any perjorative terms though), and you are allowed to walk away and talk when cooler heads prevail - no prolonged silent treatments either (one person going for a walk or into another room to chill isn't the silent treatment). Say what you mean. Be open to compromises (that doesn't mean someone always gets their way - that's the antithesis of compromise). Ideally, you preface things with, "When you say... I feel..." But, it's a work in progress.
Your fiance seems to be lacking in these skills.
NTA
When we choose partners, we should choose those who generally find value in the things we value, or at the very least, value them because we do.
I don't feel this is happening here.
NTA.
NTA. I would hold off marrying this guy full stop. He appears to have some sort of jealousy issue with your brother or thinks his family should have a bigger role than yours within the wedding.
The fact he chose your brother’s birthday initially for the wedding date speaks volumes.
You don’t say how much of a role your boyfriend plays in your brother’s life, does he play a father figure: big brother role to him or does he just ignore him. I would not want to be with anyone who didn’t love my brother almost as much as me.
r/updateme you just wrote a whole post of red flags from your fiance. It sounds like he wants to ditch your brother at the soonest possible moment.
And I'm sorry, proposing after 3 months? Girl, you need to get out of this.
Let me guess, his father is going to walk you down the isle too. You are not the AH for sticking up for your brother but you will be the AH if you marry this guy. You don't need to marry this guy just because your pregnant you know. If you marry him, expect your life to be exactly like this. This guy will decide EVERYTHING for you.
YTA if you continue a relationship with this man when he's making it very clear how he feels about your brother. It's not going to get better for your brother with this man in your lives. And he proposed after only 3 months of dating? That's crazy.
NTA and good for you for telling his mom and sister off and he needs it too. The entire wedding party are all his people. Your parents are gone and he’s complaining that you want your brother to have some role in the wedding. I personally like him walking you down the aisle and being your man of honor. Nothing wrong with that. I’m concerned about though how he and his family are acting and their behavior towards your brother that I think will be ongoing. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable going through with this wedding anymore even if James backs down a little. Also why is his sister your MOH anyway? Usually it’s a sister of the bride or a very close girlfriend. I’d seriously back off from this whole thing and reevaluate.
This dude is a narcissist enabled by his mother. Proposing after 3 months is a huge red flag. Run, don't walk, away from this guy. Sooooooo many red flags
You basically raised your brother as your son. You have been a single mother, and you are vibrating Mama Bear vibes. Your kids come first. This is not a health/safety issue, but... It does look as if he is trying to push your brother aside. Fairly consistently. You were willing to adjust and make changes, you simply want him to be part of your wedding. It is perfectly within your rights.
I agree that this looks *really bad*. Getting his family to gang up on you to effectively exclude your 'son' from your wedding is a bad sign.
Does your fiancé have a habit of pushing you to change your mind and do things his way? Is it just about your brother or a larger theme?
NTA.
1. He knew you were your brother’s guardian when he proposed to you, so why would he expect you to downplay your brother like that on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of your life???
2. Your brother can’t be his best man, but he expects his sister to be your maid of honor?? Total double standard, and the way he just assumed it would be that way is ridiculous.
3. He’s making the wedding all about how he wants it, not how you want it as a couple (how a wedding should be planned). Big red flag there in my opinion
4. Your little brother is your only immediate family member, and he doesn’t want to find a role for him to have in the wedding? Insane behavior.
It’s giving “i want to get married to have a wedding, not a marriage” vibes on his part.
NTA. Matt is your brother and you are his guardian. This is your wedding as well as James', and he is pushing your brother out. This hurts both you and Matt, But beyond that, it is a foretaste of the way he will treat Matt in your marriage - as someone unimportant who can be pushed aside. You are absolutely right to cancel the wedding.
NTA. I’m sorry you lost your parents. Good on you for squarely placing your minor brother (who has lost his parents) under your protection. You’d think your fiancé would get that- you are a package. He doesn’t get that, and I’d bet he would toss your brother out the day he turned 18. Planning a wedding in your brother’s birthday? Not involving him in the wedding? What? No. Get out while you can, bc the man is not interested in you, or your family, or your wishes.
OP that man is full of red flags - extremely soon proposal, controlling and excluding your brother as he goes. You and your brother are a package deal.
Why are you even dating a man who treats your brother like unwanted guest in your life?
This actually sent shivers down my spine. This man is an abuser. He's actively trying to isolate you and your brother is actually more like a son and this is the way he's treating him. I'm sorry but you need to run from this man.
Do not marry this man child. Every step of the way he has argued with you and you caved. Each time the resolution was something that catered to his desires and his family. Now he has his family harassing you. This is only going to get worse when your baby gets here OP.
This man does not want you. He is not in love with you. He is only in love with the convenience of everything you've granted him.
If you marry him, he will treat you badly. He will treat your brother badly. You will either end up divorcing him and he will want custody of a child he will OT want to pay child support for. Or you will end up staying married and losing your entire self to placate this man. Your brother will either grow up to go no contact with you and him. Or will end up becoming like him.
Random stranger vote: Do not marry this person.
NTA
NTA. You've basically raised your brother and want to share important life moments with him. Your fiance, on the other hand, is a selfish mama's boy.
You're having a baby with this man. If his mother and sister can't see where your coming from by wanting to include your brother in your *wedding*, how do you think it will be when you're trying to raise a child with them around?
Something to really think about. Best of luck, OP.
NTA! Please take a step back from the wedding and this man and his family. I can understand your desire to give your child a family but this man seems to be trying to control your life while shoving your brother into the background and eventually, out of the picture completely. You have spent the last 10 years taking care of your brother and I’m sure it’s exhausting and difficult for someone so young. You are to be admired for your devotion and if your fiancé doesn’t want your brother in your wedding, in any capacity, then he will definitely want him gone from your life at 18. He is now using emotional manipulation to try and get you to see things his way.
NTA. He wants his brother to be his best man, his sister to be your maid of honour. He is actively pushing your brother out of everything and installing his own family. Once you marry him, he will find a way to exclude your brother from everything and will kick him out of his own house. Dump this guy and find yourself someone that understands you and your brother are a package deal
Wedlock*
Also, that entire family can fuck right on off. I thought a nice compromise would've been for him to walk you down the aisle, but having him as your man of honor is nice too.
NTA.
You were effectively a single mom when you began dating, so that means single parent rules apply.
1) Adult & child are a PACKAGED deal
2) Partner will always come 2nd because single parent will always have to be a parent with or without new partner
3) Any attempts to drive a wedge between parent and child result in the Mama/Papa Bear emergence.
Your fiancé has never viewed your relationship with your brother as parent/child and therefore neither understands nor appreciates the dynamic you have with him. You may be biologically siblings, but you ARE his parent, emotionally and legally. The question now us can he abide by single parent constraints. There will come a time where there will be a less close relationship with your brother, but that's not gonna be for years. He needs to stop acting like a competitor for your attention and start acting like a step-dad.
However, I don't think he will. He is jealous of a CHILD. What's gonna happen when the one you're carrying makes an appearance? Is he gonna be mad your breastfeeding, next? And running to mommy?? Really? You sure this is the guy you want to raise kids with?
NTA. A was with him on picking his own best man. But he was being a dick on everything else. He’s jealous of your brother plain and simple. There are mature ways of handling this. Establishing boundaries: what is me and you, what is me you and your brother, etc. But the way he handled it is one big red flag. He’s not the one you want to tie yourself to.
NTA. Pump the brakes on marrying this man baby who runs home to mommy when his temper tantrum doesn’t get him what he wants, then he has his family gang up on his pregnant girlfriend. He does not care about you, your wants or your needs. He is selfish, self centered, manipulative, a bully, abusive and honestly, a complete tool. It seems you’re only marrying him because you don’t want your child born out of wedlock. Please reconsider. His mask is slipping since now he’s trapped you with a pregnancy and next a marriage. This is what abusers do. You need to talk to your brother and see if your dipshit baby daddy has been saying anything to him, like threats or how things are going to be when he’s the man of the house. Based on what you’ve said, I bet he either has or has some grand plans as to how life will be in your home. And for the love of god, do not put that man on the deed to your house. In fact, if you go through with the marriage, get a prenup. Bet he loses his shit when you do. You are a great mom to your brother and you did it all on your own. He’s your child and you are absolutely, positively doing the right thing here. You will be a great mom to your baby as well. If you marry this man you’ll just be parenting another child.
This man is 1000% going to toss your brothers things on the yard the second your brother is 18. He does not care about what you want, it's all about him, leave him with his mommy for 2 weeks and just notice how much easier your life is.
I doubt he’d wait until 18. I’m thinking 14-15.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he started trying to get her to give up guardianship to another family member within a month if being married. He’s acting very resentful of him.
He's jealous AF and the second that baby is born he's going to expect Matt to be last place for everything. This is not someone to marry.
Agreed! This man is trying to mark his territory! Look all around you OP he has pissed a circle all around you and your brother is on the other side of the road! This is a blessing in disguse! He would make your, the baby and your brothers life hell.
Because it should be their “real” family
It’s like if he didn’t like the situation, why bother pursuing a relationship?
Because he planned on getting rid of her brother and isolating het
I agree with you but he's already 14. I bet he's going to try to have him sent somewhere.
No he is 13 . 14 is the birthday she claims he would turn on the wedding day. Maths tells us she is making this up. She aged 10 years from death of her parents 20 to 30. He HAD TO have aged at least 9 already or 10 accounting for different times of the year. So she is lying. He has to be at least 14 already.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed the math discrepancy. Basic math is too complicated for people who make up stories here.
I thought it sounded like AI
No way this is AI. 'Wet lock'? This is some high school kid practicing their fanfic skills.
People blur the facts around ages all the time on these subs. A year here or there isn't that weird.
Tbf, it might have been a typo and she put 14 where she meant 15 as that would like up correct
Yeah thats the crazy thing. He isnt just her younger brother (WHICH IS STILL A GOOD REASON TO HAVE SOMEONE IN A WEDDING), OP is literally his mother by any social conventions of motherhood except birth. Most Mothers absolutely would have their children in their wedding.
In this case it would be so sweet for her brother to walk her down the aisle before he served as Man of Honor. What do you bet that he volunteered his dad for aisle duty?
I second all of this. I'd also be looking into custody agreements right now.
And if OP has any hard evidence of negative treatment by her fiancé (hopefully ex now) to her brother, she should be looking at providing that to her lawyer for custody of the baby
Yes! This dude sounds like a future evil stepfather. You are better off him. Once the baby is born he would probably treat your brother way worse. Good luck OP ❤️ You deserve a better man
Don't marry this guy. He has made his priorities very clear and will eventually try to move your brother out of your life. Especially after the baby arrives.
They are trying to rail road her because she had no real family to stand behind her and say fuck this shit
I wish I could up vote this 100+ times lol. That whole running to mommy thing ugh! I'm sorry OP but if this is how he is now... can you imagine the mommy drama when your parenting ideas are different? Sweetheart please take your brother and baby and run for all of y'all's sakes.
Yeah, it's a little sketchy when he wants to have the wedding (and thus all subsequent anniversaries) the same day as little brother's birthday. Almost like he's claiming the day, and wife is going to have to choose between them (the couple) and little bro. The fact that he ran to mommy tho... If this dude doesn't understand he needs to win his relationship battles without his mom, this dude ain't grown up enough to be in a relationship
Listen to this advice. He is trying to cut your brother out of your life and his family is telling you who has to be in your wedding party. It is your wedding too, you get to make decisions without having to clear them with him or his family. He is showing you who he is and what he wants your life together to look like. His version doesn't include your brother or your family.
I've been on reddit long enough to know how this ends. She's pregnant, and he's going to think that once they're married she should send her brother to live with someone else because now she has a real child and he shouldn't have to raise her brother as their kid.
Perfectly said. James is jealous of Matt. That’s why he fought to have the wedding on Matt’s birthday so every year he could have an excuse not to celebrate his birthday because it is the wedding anniversary that didn’t work so he next best thing is to alienate him and make him feel like he’s not wanted. He wants his brother as best man and his sister as maid of honour and his nephew as ring barer. He’s a sorry sad excuse of a man.
That and this is a classic abusive tactic. One of the first steps is to isolate the victim. He's already attempting to do that.
My ex wife did this. My best man was my good friend and I fought tooth and nail. The other groomsmen ended being her bridesmaids friends. Other than my friend, not a single groomsmen showed up before the wedding to help me out and calm my ass down. Instead the 2 dudes went fishing down where the pictures were being taken. I was an asshole for not being ready on time but she told my dad I didn't want his help (not true, I couldn't even tie my tie on the tux she picked) . She blocked my family from being involved and did her best to not invite some of them by "handling the invites so I didn't stress over my forgetfulness." My only wedding decision other than best man was the song after the ceremony and I wish I hadn't used it because it would have been more apt for my second wife, where we did it all together. Song was the olive tree, by scale the summit. Was played as we left to go sign legal stuff and the guests were exiting.
Well that's just an asshole move and I'm sorry she did that to you
Glad she's an ex now.
Do you think this has any financial motives? After all OP owns the house. I think OP should tell thas AH that the house really belongs to her brother and see how he reacts!
I bet he does. He's probably going to insist on being added to the deed.
Maybe I’ve been on Reddit too long, but does anyone else smell a baby-trap here?
That’s what I was thinking too. He baby-trapped her and thought he’d be able to push her brother out of their lives after getting her pregnant and then marrying her. I wonder what messed up stuff he’s been saying to her brother.
This was my 1st thought. I mean he proposed after only three months of dating. It does make baby trapping feel possible.
Listen to this OP please. So many red flags that he could be hosting a CCP meeting. Your brother should NOT be cast aside for his sister. His mom and sister should not be hounding you about the wedding. He is showing you who he is and it will only get worse after you get married.
Exactly. People always tell you who they are. Listen.
Just this girl. Don't even look for anything else. Please you would be better off without this man. Please Dont fall for this crappy man. God is giving you clear signs in BOLD, read and run. Better to stay single rather than be married to this jerk.
Can we all just take a pause and call it "wet luck" from now on
These are abuse tactics. Please someone link Lundy! This is a huge deal that may not realise is a huge deal. I had a resentful stepfather. I have extreme mental health disorders as a direct result. My brother was born when I was 12. I'm 42 now, and I don't regret doing everything I could to protect him so he didn't have to suffer like your brother will suffer. He is probably already suffering, and a deep, supportive conversation is needed with him to uncover what he's been told and how he's been treated by your fiance. Please, talk to your brother and let him know that he's more important, his need to feel safe at home is your highest priority, that he needs to give you his honest feelings about your fiance and that you're an adult and will make the best decision for you, him and the new baby. Please use your intuition, be honest with him that some things have come up that have given you time to think. In addition, sometimes children will lie and tell you everything is fine if they think you've sacrificed a lot for them and they want you to be happy. If they think a partner makes you happy, they will take any abuse to avoid hurting you. You know your brother best, so ask him things in various ways, in a safe environment, where there will be no backlash, and that you assure him will be kept between the two of you. Watch his body language. You will know in your gut the right answer.
I’d pump the breaks on having that baby too. OP is going to be tied to this horrible man.
Eight weeks isn’t too late for an abortion, if she chooses, in many jurisdictions. It may be the only way to be free of this controlling, potentially dangerous man.
All of this. He sounds exactly like my ex. I swear, I was having flashbacks. I almost wondered if it was him but then I saw the ages.
He’s not a tool, tools can be useful
All this.
Please please OP, consider if this is a dynamic you want to bring a child into.. are you open to ending this pregnancy kindly to free you, your brother and a potential future child from this disaster of a human? I know ill get hate for this but please please consider this option. He'll have access to control you for the remainder of that little person's childhood.
NTA. By his logic, your brother should be his best man, or at the very least , a groomsman , but he’s not offering that, is he?
Dude is jealous of Op's brother.
OP, if you marry this man, he will be talking about having your brother move in with your aunt or some other relation within the month so you two can start your "real family". He sees your brother as a disposable obstacle in the way of the life he wants, and he *will* try to remove him sooner or later. Protect yourself, your brother, and your unborn child and do not marry this person.
Nailed it. You can totally see where this is headed. Firstly the super fast proposal is always a red flag for me. In this day and age there's just no reason to propose after 3 months. This is barely just entering the getting to know you territory. Then erasing her began. First the ridiculous plot to schedule the wedding on her brother's birthday. Then the brother can't be the best man (that's fair), but can't be ring bearer cause HIS cousin is, and can't be man of honor (even though that should be the bride's choice) cause again, he's slotted HIS family into that role. When she brings up the fact it's her wedding too - he cracks the shits, storms off, sooks to his family who then blow up her phone. Okay - so this is why you don't marry people you don't know. This man is garbage and so are his family. Pregnant or not, this dude is going to control every single aspect of your life - and guarantee one of the first will be trying to remove your brother from the house. You'd be an absolute pinecone to marry this pill.
“Absolute pine cone “ - I’m definitely using this! 😆
When you need someone to understand they're being dumber than dirt - pinecone is the perfect descriptor. Go forth and use freely, it's one of my favs.
my parents weren't dating long before they got engaged, BUT they had a long engagement. My mom even says it was too quick but the long engagement sort of balanced things out. My dad's daughter from his first marriage was the flower girl, and my mom's nephew/my cousin was the ring bearer. It's called having respect for each other's families and loved ones. It's not that hard for a grown-up, which OP's clown has proven he's not.
Correct. Divorce and abortion is the Final Solution here.
Some people are madly in love and make a mutual decision to marry early on in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that, if that’s really what they want. Deciding maybe you should marry because of a pregnancy, regardless of how long you’ve been involved, is never the right move. Marriage is a decision that should be made on its own merits, because two people love, respect, and support each other, and want to build a life together. They know they’re better together than apart. They make each other a better person, build each other up, and can’t imagine walking through life’s pitfalls and good times with anyone else. Children can be a part of marriage, but they aren’t the reason for marriage.
Also he was angling to set things up so your brother’s birthday would be pushed aside for your anniversary for the foreseeable future. That’s the lead read flag in a red flag parade.
Honestly, as the younger sister of an older sister that married a guy after only 2 months of knowing him I’d argue that the lead red flag was him proposing after only dating for 3 months! Like, to each their own I guess, accuse me of projecting or whatever, but that’s wild to me.
She has a whole house now.
If OP does marry I hope she has a prenup to protect her house from greedy controlling asshats
I love how asshat went from a censor of asshole to a common term. I love SAs profanity filters when you're not logged in, I've been seeing it there since 2000.
In most cases I agree. Except for my favorite aunt. She married my (favorite) uncle 3 Weeks after she met him. And they were in love and happy for over 40 years. The odds against it working are astronomical but as they say the exception proves the rule.
Oh, for sure, there are definitely couples out there where it goes great! I love when it does, I’d call myself a romantic at heart. But in this case it’s definitely a red flag to me, especially when followed by a bunch of other, brighter red flags.
I agree. And he followed up with more red flags than I can count. She needs to get out of the relationship and block him from any future contact.
Same! My eyebrows raised at the proposal timeline alone. I guess it works for some people, but I don’t get it.
Sometimes it’s just right. But even having been one of those people with a quick proposal where it’s worked out, I’d be very nervous if one of my kids got engaged after two and a half months (the timeline for me and my husband).
My dad did it, but they were a once in a million years kind of couple. This...is concerning.
XD oh? Not the proposal after three months?
OP listen to this. Don’t marry him.
This needs more upvotes!!!
DING DING DING
Not a best man unless they have a really close relationship, which they should. But he should definitely be a groomsmen. He's not a child, he's a young man. The fiance should respect him as a young man and a friend, and you should be an honored groomsmen. As far as I'm concerned, he can have as many groomsmen as he wants but the brother should be one of them. I don't think suggesting you the best man is appropriate. I don't mind the brother of honor but I think better to be invited into the mail fraternity of the fiance and his friends. It really is something he should have been reasonable about and probably should have gone along with the birthday party as well unless it was some very special date for him . His unwillingness to include and care about the little brother of a very bad sign. They really should be a package deal. To be honest, this suggests to me that the fiance and the little brother have not developed a close relationship, and that seems a little suspect to me. Maybe she should have thought twice about marrying a guy that doesn't embrace her little brother.
Naw, there is no need for him to be a groomsman. That's for the grooms closest friends. My wife has two brothers and neither were my groomsmen, my sister wasn't her bridesmaid and on the other side I wasn't a groomsman in my sister's weddings. And that's perfectly ok. There is no reason to force the relationship to be closer than it is. Him being a bridesman or man of honor is perfectly fine or maybe even have him walk her down the aisle. But regardless, his adverse reaction to everything is an awful sign, and ide call off the wedding. They don't have to be best friends, and he doesn't have to be a father figure, but he should be happy to have him involved somehow.
>Naw, there is no need for him to be a groomsman. That's for the grooms closest friends. Then there's no need for the groom's cousins to be bridesmaids, either.
The fiance is AH for sure, and has lots of red flags, OOP should reconsider the marriage, but I liked the idea that brother is walking side by side with the bride (not givin away, but as if they are moving together to a happy future) That would have been the best option IMO, and if the uncle was giving away, brother could have been on the other side too. I'm just sorry for OOP that she has to endure this douchebag for rest of her life because of the joint custody of the baby.
Truth . *he’s family* gets to be bridesmaids on *her* side , but *her* brother can’t be on his team ? Op needs to get rid of this man.
Exactly, it's unfair that he's not willing to accommodate your wishes for your brother's role in the wedding when his family members have prominent roles. Your brother deserves to be honored in a way that's meaningful to you both.
Your first mistake was saying yes to someone after 3 months. Your subsequent mistakes were not calling off the wedding every time he showed his ass. So really what is it going to take for you to wake tf up
*after three months of dating he proposed* This was already a red flag that should have given you pause about him. Then allllllll of the other shit - your STBX is jealous of your brother and has planned to cancel him from your/his life after the wedding. I'd be 100% rethinking having a kid with someone like this. He will be jealous of the baby and thinking up ways to destroy that kid's self-esteem, place in the family and more.
Trying to set the wedding date on her brother’s birthday and trying to stick to it was a pretty big one, too. That was very, very deliberate. I can be terrible with dates with dates, so I can give a half hearted pass to the initial pick of that date if we give benefit of the doubt he forgot. But since his first response wasn’t whoops, my bad, of course we should pick another date, it is guaranteed the plan to use that date to try and erase little bro a bit.
And also so every subsequent year it’ll be their anniversary and he will probably insist on taking her away. So no more ever having to celebrate her little brother’s birthday. Very deliberate and very controlling, run!
NTA just a bit of life advice get rid of him now forever more major problems occur. He seems to be very controllong.
And.... can you say prenup! OP owns a house (possibly with her brother). If potential spouse comes along and helps pay for a new stove or roof - it could potentially then become a marital asset and in the case of divorce, she'd be forced to sell and split the money.
Unfortunately she is having a child with someone who doesn't care about her brother.
WOW I'd question bringing a child into the world with this man.
This needs to be higher up. Time to go camping.
Camping?
In places with limited access to abortion you say you go on a trip, while in reality you are getting an abortion on the trip.
I wondered if it was for the fetus or the human man that’s all I think haha
No way would I be going through with the pregnancy. It will be a nightmare trying to coparent with him once she’s broken off the engagement.
Based on the timeline she has explained, she seems farther along than just an early pregnancy. She said earlier this year they decided to get married before the baby is born. Even if she found out in April she could already be 12 weeks along, if not further. Wonder if it’s an option to end the pregnancy based on timeline and location.
I only went off where she said currently 2 months pregnant. Hopefully not much further along because this guy is every red flag out there.
The importance of getting married prior to the child's birth tells me that an abortion wouldn't be an option she would ever choose. I'm guessing her faith has something to do with her wanting to be married first. I just hope that it doesn't lead her into a marriage with this jerk. Hopefully he'll choose to bow out of the child's life altogether. She's raised her brother as a single mom. She can do the same with the baby.
Yeah, I wondered that too. I was thinking she seemed to want this pregnancy, considering her feelings on being married.
Born out of "wet luck". Freudian slip?
When the pull out game fails…
Considering his other actions, it was a planned failure.
I agree. I think he got her pregnant on purpose.
I've been waiting for this comment
That got a grin here ;)
There are way worse things than having a child out of wedlock. Like being in an abusive marriage and abusers always will be financially abusive. You have a house & inheritance to plunder. Your little brother is in the way & he will make that child's life hell. And teenage years aren't the best ones for bring in another adult figure into their life. Especially one bent on sabotaging your relationship with your brother. He sent flying monkeys to battle for him, he doesn't fight fair. He is using them all to gang up on you & alienate your brother. He love bombed you & then baby trapped. Time to make you feel off balanced & question your own mind. Alienating your brother before the marriage is a bold step.
This so much. Nothing good will come of getting married.
Agreed, this needs to be higher up.
This needs to be top comment imo. Dude is going to abuse her brother, isolate OP and abuse her too. She's baby trapped. Do not marry or continue a relationship with this person. He is bad bad news. He wants your money and house, first kicking your brother out and making you do everything bc you'll stay 'for the baby'. If I had a penny for every woman who thinks staying is the right thing to do... Nothing good will come of this. Your own child will also be abused by him, he is exactly the type to be jealous of his own child.
I think you mean out of wet luck
NTA - your ex finance doesn’t accept your brother and his role in your life. Best you know this now.
[удалено]
NTA. This man is showing you exactly who he is and will be. His family and his wants and his needs will always be his priority. 🚩🚩
Imagine being jealous of a 14 year old orphaned child who lost his parents in a traumatic accident *that he was also a victim of*. Throw the entire “man” out. What a pile of garbage he and his family is. NTA.
NTA. He’s jealous of your brother and good luck with that.
Yep 100% he is jealous of a 14 year old boy.
NTA OP, this man is showing you exactly who he is and will be. His family and his wants and his needs will always be his priority. Please, for the love of your brother, pack this jerk's crap up & leave on front lawn for him to pick up immediately. Out of curiosity...has this fool been living in your house & sponging off you?
This! He will not improve how he treats your brother. I am sure your brother looks at you as a mother figure and you are amazing for what you are doing for him! ❤️
This. He's telling you and you need to listen. Also consider what co-parenting with him (and his mother and sister) is going to look like as well.
NTA He is showing you his true colors of how he will treat your brother once you are married. He is like the evil step mother. He obviously does not understand the level of relation between yall, you are not just his sister, but his guardian, his parental figure- you have been raising him the majority of his life. He is showing big big red flags.
NTA. He just saved you a miserable marriage. You have worked so hard for your brother’s stability, do not throw it away now by letting this man back in your home. Co-parent with him if you continue the pregnancy, but consider yourself warned. An adult man should not have that much anger toward a child. Do not let him live with your brother. Find out what shit he’s already told your brother when you couldn’t hear. He will slight your brother over his child every chance he gets. Your brother will suffer if you marry this man or let him live with you again.
NTA. What your brother can do is basically take over the father of the bride duties. My grandfather died years ago and my father gave away my aunt and had a brother sister dance. But you seem to have a bigger problem in that your “fiancé” is trying to phase your brother out of your life. He sounds like an evil stepfather. And his family sounds like they figured since your parents are out of the picture, it gives them free rein to do whatever they want. Before you get married the 2 of you need to talk about what things will be like with your brother in the future.
I love the idea of the brother walking her down the isle, but at her wedding to someone else. Fiancé sucks, I would tell him no family can be in the wedding party just to be petty and still call off the wedding.
NTA. And, at only two months pregnant, you don’t have to go through with it. I wouldn’t if THIS was the father.
Dump his butt.
I’m sorry, but I am dying over “i didn’t want my baby being born out of wet luck.” Like, the most appropriate typo I’ve ever seen.
NTA. Pump the brakes on the marriage. There are too many red flags here. 1. He’s sending his mother & sister to fight his battles 2. He’s not picking up the phone 3. He’s sending others to pick up his stuff. My personal opinion he’s trying to break you, so that you’ll agree. My recommendation if you decide to continue with this relationship, you need to figure out what your red line is. You are bringing a child in the world with this man, if he’s trying to walk all over you now imagine what he and his family will do when you have a baby. If you decide to not continue with this relationship, you need to come up with a birth plan that doesn’t involve him. He’s the kind of person I wouldn’t trust in the delivery room because he would make it about him.
4. He proposed after 3 months 5. He's inserted his family into almost every position in the wedding party 6. Initially wanted her brother's birthday as the wedding date
NTA. Sounds like you have yourself a combination Groomzilla and controlling asshole.
INFO: Has your brother ever brought up your fiance being mean to him or anything like that? NTA. You need to keep him away from your brother. That much animosity towards a kid isn't healthy nor should your brother be around that. Him wanting you to throw your wedding on his birthday, him not wanting your brother to be a part of your wedding; it literally sounds like he wants you to cut your brother from your life.
NTA - he’s a waving red flags telling you who he is. Believe him. If you haven’t already contact a financial planner to protect your assets, your brother, and your child.
NTA. Sounds like you saved yourself a divorce. He will never see your brother in a fatherly way, only a nuisance. Don't marry him if you want a happy life for you and your brother. Marry him if you want to be controlled by a man and his family who don't care about your brother at all.
NTA. I came into my marriage with a child, similar to you. (For all intents and proposes, you’re his mother and have been for most of his life). I made it clear to my husband: my child will be treated with respect. You kick him out, I’m going with him. That’s just how it’s going to be. Be prepared to make a choice and stand by it. If you choose your brother, it won’t be the wrong one.
If the only issue was where to fit your brother in the ceremony, I'd advise to have him do the "give away" ritual in lieu of your late dad. Buuut, your fiance's behavior is a HUGE red flag. He is making every person in the wedding party one of his relatives and throwing a fit first at your brother being a part and then your brother attending the wedding at all. Listen to me. He will not stop there. He is throwing neon signs that as soon as y'all are married, he's going to try to get rid of your brother. He will use your unborn child as the excuse. He does not see your brother as your child. He wants only his "real" family around and none of yours. NTA, seriously evaluate some things. I understand it's not as simple because of the baby. But that man is projecting an attitude that is dangerous for your brother.
And this is why you don't say yes to someone only after 3 months of dating
So many odd hills for Matt and his family to kill your relationship on. Why was it such a struggle to choose a different date than your brother's birthday? Matt wants his best friend to be his best man, okay that's reasonable, but why does he think he gets to choose the bridal party? Why is his family so disrespectful toward the brother that you raised from the age of 5 and are obviously close to? And why is their strategy to try to persuade you otherwise to insult and belittle you and your brother? There's just too many flags here. Anyway, NTA.
He is going to push your brother out totally… if you love your brother don’t marry this man…
NTA it seems your fiance is butthurt about your brother being so important to you. You could have at least have Matt as YOUR man of honor, I mean, you're the bride, but he wants all his people to take over the important roles.
NTA. Luckily this crap is coming out before you tied the knot. Dump him. You’re a hell of a great sister. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Relationship is over. Don’t get back with him
One 🚩 after another. Think really about if you want to marry this man. Runs to his mother, trys to shut your family out of your life, because it won't end at the wedding. OP NTA but if OP stays with this "man" OP is Y T A to themself and little brother.
Oh lady, when I saw the header, my first thought was harsh, and should be equal to. Having read your story. Lady, I would not only burn that bridge but carpet bomb both roads leading to it. That is a very, very, insecure man. Who is jealous of your brother and your commitment and love to him, which, by the way is everything you could ever ask of a big sister. I know, i have one who looked after me even though my parents were alive. Everything about what you have said is a majorly red flag, so big it would need a crane to hold it up. He acts like a child, tries to dictate your wedding, and making every attempt to push your brother out into " a guest role". And when he can't get his way, he runs to mummy. This will be your future if you stay with him. 1. Try to get him into boarding school. 2. Mentally torture him to get him to run away. 3. Likely to get physical but set it up to incriminate the brother. 4. Be kept away from the husband's family. 5. Manipulate and control you, which is happening already. You need to end it now and have your peace, your brothers peace, and a happy future. Your brother will leave one day to forge his future, but you will always be his big sis/mum. Don't let any one get in the way of that.
**ESH. Don’t get engaged after only 3 months of dating! Life isn’t a Hallmark movie. You two clearly weren’t on the same page about values. Bf is the bigger asshole since he should’ve inferred that your guardianship of your brother made you, for all intents and purposes, a single mother. Which means his decision to minimize your bro’s presence in the wedding was a major asshole move.**
Engaged after three months… BAD IDEA. You can’t know someone in three months.
Oh my, what are you doing with this man child? Why, after all the hardships you have gone through, make an active choice to make your life harder? I hope you at least have a prenup if you’re going through with the wedding. And you have to know he’ll want your brother gone after you’re married right? Don’t tell me you can’t see that. He’ll only want HIS family and that is not your brother.
Wet luck.. lol.. it's wedlock. Dump the boyfriend. He's a weirdo.9
You own the house? Kick him out already. 🤦🏽♀️
Your dude is a coward and jealous of your brother. Please, move on. I'm sure you can do so much better. What a jerk. NTA
NTA! This is controlling behavior! Call it off and come up with a coparenting plan and custody papers.
This isn’t even about your brother. Your fiancé sound like a narc. Knowing your history, he should be putting you brother next to you, and not behind you. This man doesn’t really care about your personal life, nor your closest desires. First the birthday, then the honorary thing. And now ghosting. Also including his family in y’all’s problems, pressuring you into accepting his will.
Consider having an abortion. Two months is still possible as its the first trimester. Your fiancé seems immature and selfish. You don’t want a lifetime attachment to someone who may sabotage you, your brother and your unborn child. Anyone can have a child, but not everyone can achieve good life outcome with a good life? Without your parents and your brother as a dependent, you are more vulnerable to the misfortunes of life.
NTA - Bejeepers who's wedding is this he may as well go marry himself it's al ME ME ME he is the main character.
NTA Before you get married to him, you need to secure your brother's future. You are still his guardian. So talk it out with your fiancé: (a) Where will your brother stay after the wedding? (b) Who will pay for his expenses, like food, school, college, etc? (c) If something happens to you, what part of your estate will your brother inherit? It sounds to me like your fiancé wants to marry you but he doesn't want your brother to remain as a part of your life. So you should clear up all these questions.
All I’m getting from OP post is that her “husband to be“ is a huge control freak. Better to find out now.
I'm late here, I didn't read every comment, so forgive me if this has been said, but it sounds like your fiance is trying to get rid of your brother. I don't think he realizes he would be like a step father figure to your brother. >There were many issues where we fought and resolved, for example the wedding date the date my fiancé wanted for the wedding was on my brother's birthday. >so I offered the week after in which we argued, and The wedding venue had 2 dates a week apart from each other and he feels the need to use the date that's on your brother's birthday? I would understand his point if it was the only day available in said month and he wanted the wedding that day for seasonal purposes, but a week later is just ridiculous for him to fight about. Obviously ridiculous that he cried to his mommy.
Not here to give advice, just to lol @ wet luck!
NTA. But have you even considered that your brother could take the place of your dad and walk you down the aisle to give you away’? That is the greatest honour you could give to your brother and nobody could object to it.
Can your brother walk you down the aisle? I remarried when my son was 13 and he walked me down the aisle.
Dying at ‘born out of wet luck’ lol But also NTA
Do not marry this man. Dude is strange to get that fired up over the wedding. Your brother is important. Do not let this man win he is a control freak.
Typically your spouse should be more important than your sibling, but this situation is different than most since you're brother is almost like your own child since you basically raised him. Either way, fiance is being an asshole by not letting you have your brother in the wedding party however you choose.
NTA. I really believe both the bride and the groom are entitled to decide who are their maids of honor and best men, or in your case, your brother of honor. So the fact that he decided for all his family members to do stuff in the wedding but neglected to include your own brother, whom you've taken care of since he was five, is both crazy and selfish. Your fiancé doesn't seem to see your brother as part of the family, which is concerning. How have they gotten along until now?
I’d terminate the pregnancy and cut all ties to your hopefully ex fiance and his selfish family.
Nta this can’t be fixed. He will always treat your brother like shit. Don’t marry him.
NTA Guests do not participate in the wedding. They are spectators. His sister can be a bridesmaid. This guy didn’t even come up with a role. Frankly a sibling takes precedence over a nephew absent some very good reason which doesn’t exist here. Your potential in-laws are awful. Walk now. Actually. Run.
He is trying to gradually remove your brother from your life ، After marriage, he will tell you that he needs privacy Then he will tell you that his sister does not feel comfortable around your brother Then things start disappearing from the house and ............... you find them in your brother's drawer I know you are pregnant and you should be thinking about your child, but do you really want this for someone to be the father of your child?
NTA. I am pretty sure he is not 31. A fuckin baby can think better that this ass wipe. Don't go back to this dude, have the talk you need for closure, but my complete advice is to not go through with the wedding. A few things you need to be careful of: - Your Brother- check on him. If he has a phone and if he is on you phone plan,block that dumbasses number. Or you can just block it from his phone. Tell him to tell you directly if he gets threatened or is bullied by anyone including the mother and the sister. If it happened then file those together to a document and go get your self a lawyer and a restraining order on all of them if necessary. - Financial Security- Check you bank accounts, shared assets and anything that has financial value. If it's a furniture or item take photos of anything before it leaves your house. Again document it. If you have any shared accounts take what you put in and keep the receipts don't lose it. Don't put his name on anything. I mean anything that is yours. If you have started a process to have his name on assets, when you are the original owner then stop the process completely and inform the required authorities to stop it. - Legal and Social Security- Document everything not a single thing left. Texts, calls, Your Google location for alibi, this is for your evidence. It might seem excessive but it doesn't harm you in anyway. And it's better to be safe than sorry. After documentation if anything stands out like abuse on you brother or other things contact you lawyer and see what you can do. Tell your side of family and friends what happened. Before this dumbass starts to go off lying and making something up. It's important that you tell it first to your friends and family. Last but not least, having to completely isolate your family and friends from the wedding is not something a sane person would do. He would have tried to get close to them and know them not just block them out. I bet the 2 friend where there because you included them first or he didn't have enough cousin to fill that gap. In any case have your closure with him and Leave him and take care of you brother. But by some miracle you decide to stay with this dumbass, get a prenup Before signing the marriage certificate. And don't back down on the prenup no matter what.
so many red glowing flags, holy moly
Solid relationship don't involve running to your family and involving them in your disagreements. EVER. Learning to argue well is an art that should be embraced. It should stay on point (not bring up everything ever done wrong in the past), there should be no insulting (You can say, FU, not modified with any perjorative terms though), and you are allowed to walk away and talk when cooler heads prevail - no prolonged silent treatments either (one person going for a walk or into another room to chill isn't the silent treatment). Say what you mean. Be open to compromises (that doesn't mean someone always gets their way - that's the antithesis of compromise). Ideally, you preface things with, "When you say... I feel..." But, it's a work in progress. Your fiance seems to be lacking in these skills. NTA
When we choose partners, we should choose those who generally find value in the things we value, or at the very least, value them because we do. I don't feel this is happening here. NTA.
Never bring a baby into the world out of wet luck.
NTA. I would hold off marrying this guy full stop. He appears to have some sort of jealousy issue with your brother or thinks his family should have a bigger role than yours within the wedding. The fact he chose your brother’s birthday initially for the wedding date speaks volumes. You don’t say how much of a role your boyfriend plays in your brother’s life, does he play a father figure: big brother role to him or does he just ignore him. I would not want to be with anyone who didn’t love my brother almost as much as me.
r/updateme you just wrote a whole post of red flags from your fiance. It sounds like he wants to ditch your brother at the soonest possible moment. And I'm sorry, proposing after 3 months? Girl, you need to get out of this.
NTA. You should point blank ask your (ex) fiance if he wants your 14yo brother to move out after the wedding/baby, my money is on him saying yes.
Let me guess, his father is going to walk you down the isle too. You are not the AH for sticking up for your brother but you will be the AH if you marry this guy. You don't need to marry this guy just because your pregnant you know. If you marry him, expect your life to be exactly like this. This guy will decide EVERYTHING for you.
YTA if you continue a relationship with this man when he's making it very clear how he feels about your brother. It's not going to get better for your brother with this man in your lives. And he proposed after only 3 months of dating? That's crazy.
OP how does he treat your brother? Have you asked your brother how he feels about your fiance?
I wouldn’t marry him but if you do, have your brother fill in for your father and walk you down the aisle.
NTA and good for you for telling his mom and sister off and he needs it too. The entire wedding party are all his people. Your parents are gone and he’s complaining that you want your brother to have some role in the wedding. I personally like him walking you down the aisle and being your man of honor. Nothing wrong with that. I’m concerned about though how he and his family are acting and their behavior towards your brother that I think will be ongoing. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable going through with this wedding anymore even if James backs down a little. Also why is his sister your MOH anyway? Usually it’s a sister of the bride or a very close girlfriend. I’d seriously back off from this whole thing and reevaluate.
He doesn't want your only close member of family to be in the wedding party? NTA. Get a new fiancé
This dude is a narcissist enabled by his mother. Proposing after 3 months is a huge red flag. Run, don't walk, away from this guy. Sooooooo many red flags
You basically raised your brother as your son. You have been a single mother, and you are vibrating Mama Bear vibes. Your kids come first. This is not a health/safety issue, but... It does look as if he is trying to push your brother aside. Fairly consistently. You were willing to adjust and make changes, you simply want him to be part of your wedding. It is perfectly within your rights. I agree that this looks *really bad*. Getting his family to gang up on you to effectively exclude your 'son' from your wedding is a bad sign. Does your fiancé have a habit of pushing you to change your mind and do things his way? Is it just about your brother or a larger theme?
NTA. 1. He knew you were your brother’s guardian when he proposed to you, so why would he expect you to downplay your brother like that on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of your life??? 2. Your brother can’t be his best man, but he expects his sister to be your maid of honor?? Total double standard, and the way he just assumed it would be that way is ridiculous. 3. He’s making the wedding all about how he wants it, not how you want it as a couple (how a wedding should be planned). Big red flag there in my opinion 4. Your little brother is your only immediate family member, and he doesn’t want to find a role for him to have in the wedding? Insane behavior. It’s giving “i want to get married to have a wedding, not a marriage” vibes on his part.
NTA. Matt is your brother and you are his guardian. This is your wedding as well as James', and he is pushing your brother out. This hurts both you and Matt, But beyond that, it is a foretaste of the way he will treat Matt in your marriage - as someone unimportant who can be pushed aside. You are absolutely right to cancel the wedding.
NTA. Don't marry him please.
NTA. I’m sorry you lost your parents. Good on you for squarely placing your minor brother (who has lost his parents) under your protection. You’d think your fiancé would get that- you are a package. He doesn’t get that, and I’d bet he would toss your brother out the day he turned 18. Planning a wedding in your brother’s birthday? Not involving him in the wedding? What? No. Get out while you can, bc the man is not interested in you, or your family, or your wishes.
OP that man is full of red flags - extremely soon proposal, controlling and excluding your brother as he goes. You and your brother are a package deal. Why are you even dating a man who treats your brother like unwanted guest in your life?
I'd move 2 states away now, before your baby is born.
Proposing after only 3 months should have been the 1st clue.
So many others have said this already but I can’t stress it enough: DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON.
Nta. He will never stop trying to pull you away from your brother. Wrong man for you and anyone with half a brain or heart
Do not. Please. Do not. Marry this man. Also. Not not not TA
Yikes. You are going to have a baby with this tool too 🫠😬
This actually sent shivers down my spine. This man is an abuser. He's actively trying to isolate you and your brother is actually more like a son and this is the way he's treating him. I'm sorry but you need to run from this man.
NTA but are we all just glossing over “born out of wet luck” r/boneappletea
Do not marry this man child. Every step of the way he has argued with you and you caved. Each time the resolution was something that catered to his desires and his family. Now he has his family harassing you. This is only going to get worse when your baby gets here OP.
This man does not want you. He is not in love with you. He is only in love with the convenience of everything you've granted him. If you marry him, he will treat you badly. He will treat your brother badly. You will either end up divorcing him and he will want custody of a child he will OT want to pay child support for. Or you will end up staying married and losing your entire self to placate this man. Your brother will either grow up to go no contact with you and him. Or will end up becoming like him. Random stranger vote: Do not marry this person. NTA
NTA. You've basically raised your brother and want to share important life moments with him. Your fiance, on the other hand, is a selfish mama's boy. You're having a baby with this man. If his mother and sister can't see where your coming from by wanting to include your brother in your *wedding*, how do you think it will be when you're trying to raise a child with them around? Something to really think about. Best of luck, OP.
NTA! Please take a step back from the wedding and this man and his family. I can understand your desire to give your child a family but this man seems to be trying to control your life while shoving your brother into the background and eventually, out of the picture completely. You have spent the last 10 years taking care of your brother and I’m sure it’s exhausting and difficult for someone so young. You are to be admired for your devotion and if your fiancé doesn’t want your brother in your wedding, in any capacity, then he will definitely want him gone from your life at 18. He is now using emotional manipulation to try and get you to see things his way.
NTA. He wants his brother to be his best man, his sister to be your maid of honour. He is actively pushing your brother out of everything and installing his own family. Once you marry him, he will find a way to exclude your brother from everything and will kick him out of his own house. Dump this guy and find yourself someone that understands you and your brother are a package deal
Wedlock* Also, that entire family can fuck right on off. I thought a nice compromise would've been for him to walk you down the aisle, but having him as your man of honor is nice too. NTA.
You were effectively a single mom when you began dating, so that means single parent rules apply. 1) Adult & child are a PACKAGED deal 2) Partner will always come 2nd because single parent will always have to be a parent with or without new partner 3) Any attempts to drive a wedge between parent and child result in the Mama/Papa Bear emergence. Your fiancé has never viewed your relationship with your brother as parent/child and therefore neither understands nor appreciates the dynamic you have with him. You may be biologically siblings, but you ARE his parent, emotionally and legally. The question now us can he abide by single parent constraints. There will come a time where there will be a less close relationship with your brother, but that's not gonna be for years. He needs to stop acting like a competitor for your attention and start acting like a step-dad. However, I don't think he will. He is jealous of a CHILD. What's gonna happen when the one you're carrying makes an appearance? Is he gonna be mad your breastfeeding, next? And running to mommy?? Really? You sure this is the guy you want to raise kids with?
NTA. A was with him on picking his own best man. But he was being a dick on everything else. He’s jealous of your brother plain and simple. There are mature ways of handling this. Establishing boundaries: what is me and you, what is me you and your brother, etc. But the way he handled it is one big red flag. He’s not the one you want to tie yourself to.