I'd probably make it more biting. Same message but a little more meanness to it.
"Where did you get the idea we're getting married? We're having a fun casual time. You didn't think I'd settle like that though, did you!?"
Honestly, if my partner said that to me, I'd consider saying "I can lose a shit tonne of weight, and really fast too" and then break up with them. š¤·š»āāļø
I can not fathom someone "loving" you but then making a caveat like that to them deigning to marry you.
No he will be shitting his pants cause she won't fall for his saddo-masochistic sick ways (thanks to support here!). And now he's gotta work real hard again to find another victim who may reject him again...
You see I'd have told him "ok, and I'll marry you if your dick grows 2 inches bigger"
He's trying to make you feel insecure, hit him where it hurts too. Petty and childish? Yes.
(Actually my fantasy is I would've said this, in reality I'd have probably cried)
Because sheās enough as a regular partner that can get replaced easily but not enough (yet) to bind yourself more committed to.
P.S.: just explaining, not approving of his thoughts.
>>Because sheās enough as a regular partner that can get replaced easily but not enough (yet) to bind yourself more committed to.
Not Ms Right, but Ms. Right Now. That's the mentality.
Boys stay for sex
Men stay for committment / relationship / emotional connection / sex
I know it seems like a small distinction, but I think it's important
And she's only put a year into the relationship. The longer she wastes on him, the harder it'll be to leave due to sunk cost fallacy. Cut your losses OP!
Honestly though idk if Reddit is poisoning me or what but the more I read about stuff like this the more I don't even want to date. Imagine dating someone for a whole year and then they suddenly drop that on you. Buddy must have thought he had her reeled in just enough that he could start with the negging/emotional abuse.
I was fat when I started dating my first serious boyfriend. After he turned 21 and could start buying his own beer, I had a problem with his beer consumption. That's when he started having a problem with my weight. And makeup. And clothing style. And personality. Just became a complete asshole. Took years to deal with a lot of the trauma he left behind. And the jackass still shows up in my dreams regularly fifteen years later.
Ugh, what is it with the dream thing anyway? I sometimes dream I've gotten back together for some reason with one of my exes...I regret it before I've even woken up lol
Oh yeah, the number of times I've dreamt about him forcing his way back into my life and then doing things without giving a shit how it affects me or finding him cheating on me. My other exes rarely show up in my dreams. Even when I think about them more often during the day.
Same (abusive relationship/ex-husband). He shows up in my dreams whenever I am stressed about something in real life. Like, he had become the personification of all my anxieties. I just take it for what it is: I am stressed and this is how my brain deals.
Same and I hate it. I'm only about 2 years free if my ex husband and sometimes I wake up really confused after dreaming about him. Like confused about what really happened and how abusive he actually was when in the dream he was normal and pleasant... Though sometimes he's a total asshat so ...eh. my brain can just stop. I'd like to go back to stress dreaming about dying in a car crash rather than have him show up ...
Emotional abuse hits hard. Sounds like some lingering PTSD. Just remember heās the one with the problems, not you. Donāt internalize that stuff inasmuch as you are able. I know itās hard. I am still dealing with some of that myself from tons of verbal abuse from a sibling. Having your ego torn apart so often is really tough to deal with.
This happens to me too. But mine has a horrible awful ugly twist. My mother is a huge source of trauma and stress and old hurt in my life and so is an ex of mine I left in 2013. To this day I still have dreams where he is cheating on me with my mother. What the hell?? I'm always really happy when I wake up and realize thank God it was a dream.
This happened to me. An abusive ex apparently thought he could friend me on IG. I blocked his ass so fast, but I proceeded to dream about him for several nights in a row afterwards. None of them pleasant.
It's crazy how you can think you're making progress and then something comes along and derails you.
I just hope I never cross paths with him IRL.
Your brain associates certain people with specific types of situations, I often dream of this one, old friend I had when I need to avoid a situation, and another old friend when I am losing control of a situation, then of demons when I need to avoid someone. If you see an ex in your dream try to think of what happened in your day that might have triggered an association with him, it could help
Sorry meant to reply to alett146 for saying they donāt understand the dream thing, but an ex popping up back into your life is a pretty clear cut reason to dream of them for sure
Literally just described one of my relationships. He became dependent on alcohol and became vile.
"If you cut your hair I'll leave you."
"If you become a vegetarian I'll leave you."
"You could lose weight." (He wasn't exactly small himself)
First things I did when I left him was cut my hair and become a vegetarian (ironically now my hair is the longest it's been and I eat meat again but hey).
He left me alone in the middle of a busy town once with no way of getting home because he found out I was self harming. That was 4 years into the relationship and it still took me months to end it. The relationship ended in 2014 and I'm still dealing with trauma and processing things that happened.
I refuse to look at his social media, even when I sent a message last year just to be like "since I have to live with the trauma you inflicted, you get to be aware of what you really did to me." I managed to avoid even looking at his picture. But according to my mother, he doesn't look that different from when we were dating.
Still, my anxiety goes up any time I see men who even look similar to him.
You all have those weird nightmares too? A lot of exes and horrible flings show up in my nightmares decades later. Itās stressful having that trauma show up in our dreams.
I still have those dreams. I left him over a year and a half ago and he still pops up. I still try to catch him cheating and know heās going to screw me over while we move and try to buy a house. Maybe dream me will kick him out and call the police next time.
Dream me is super weak. I've dreamt being angry enough to want to hurt him physically, but it feels like trying to punch through the forensic gelatin shit they use to catch bullets.
Yeah, real me can throw around a 40-lb kid (playfully, of course) or a 50-lb bag of flour. So in real life, an assault could still cause him damage. But dream me causes like 1hp damage. XD
People on reddit donāt usually post about how happy their relationships are. Itās good to know deal breakers ahead of time though. There are lots of people out there, why waste time on people who donāt value you?
There are a lot of assholes out there (regardless of genre) and there are a lot of good people out there.
It might hurt but having someone (someone good) to share your life with is amazing.
Preach lol...now that I've been single for 3 years I've accepted it and started enjoying certain perks of it and it's gonna take someone pretty special to make me upset the status quo, even if it's lonely sometimes.
Exactly. Imagine basing your perspectives off of people who are miserable and make bad life choices and then go wooo thanks for saving me lol....
I'm not sure what people consider relationships now but I thought these types of things were communicated and spoken about before getting a yr into a relationship.
People have preferences they are allowed to especially when it comes to dating, sex, marriage etc. compatibility is a huge matter on all fronts. Hobbies, past, current feelings, likes , dislikes etc. but yet I read all these AITAH posts and it's like these people have just started dating or never really had tough relationship conversations in the past to vet everything out.
It is what it is though. Until people learn really how to communicate again face to face and actually have meaningful dialogue that may be tough with their partners we will continue to see these stories.
Hope everything works out for OP etc but again how the hell can after a year she doesn't understand or realize her size is an issue to him ? And I say this with the most respect I'm a bigger dude and understand how hurtful words can be. But I had these conversations with my wife we are together for 16 yrs now. And OP if he wants to marry you with a stipulation then it's probably not the best fit. Especially if you make the changes and then experience a difficult time and go back. Then what happens does he divorce you or just cheat behind your back? Try to have the conversation with him but I have a feeling he isn't going to budge and if he said it out loud no matter how much he tries to say he was just joking etc. there is truth in his statement as he wouldn't have thought of it if he didn't really feel it.
Wishing OP the best and everyone who is single and having issues. But learn and have those tough conversations with your partner when things are starting to get serious. Not worth wasting your time on a dead end. Remember it's not just time you are wasting but also the opportunity to meet the right partner for you.
I married someone like this. I was too young to understand this comment as emotional manipulation. If this were to become a pattern it would qualify as emotional abuse. I suggest leaving this relationship now before your self esteem plummets even more.
Exactly that!
Because what happens if she has a baby? When she inevitably hits menopause?
Humans change, their bodies fluctuate. If you canāt handle that youāre not ready to be in a committed relationship
This. Because, let's face it, it's more likely that *any* person will gain weight as they get older, not stay the same or lose weight.
Don't add that stress to your life. You can find someone who will love you no matter your size.
Yep! I wish I had run the first time my ex-husband told me, 'I think you're pretty, but you would be sexy/hot if you had a flat stomach.' And this was before two high-risk pregnancies that almost kilked me. I have a mom pooch now, but I don't care, I have my babies.
As someone currently Running šš½āāļø from someone like that š who didn't want me "Fat" BUT wanted me to pop kids like tic tacs, yet still have the body of a 20 year old! RUN GIRL RUNš£ļø
Yup. Dude can just buy a blow up doll with the body he wants.
Op - good for you for realizing this isnāt the one. Toss him on the garbage heap. Find the one who thinks you are wonderful the way you are.
And not just conditions, but superficial expectations that have nothing to do with anything. If he cared about health, he would have put it differently. He cares what other people think and has expectations that make it clear he's not currently as serious about the relationship, because he already deems OP as unfit for a true relationship. That's bullshit and would completely ruin the relationship for me. Being in doubt about whether or not it's OK to have feeling about it just tells me OP is already on the downswing from the slippery slope. In no world, unless someone is truly unhealthy and hurting themselves, should weight be something that dictates love or care, and even then it should be a focus on getting healthy and taking care of yourself. Not fitting a superficial aesthetic. All this being said, a lot of guys feel this way, even guys who look like shit and don't take care of themselves. This isn't news. But it's a warning sign. Take care, OP. You deserve better.
Exactly. He is making it very clear that he values aesthetics over who you are as a person, as well as making you jump through hoops to āprove you are worthy of him.ā People who do that are not mature enough to be in a relationship. This is just as immature as those relationship tests that wind up on here a lot as they are simply asshole power plays. This is also an asshole power play with the 2 for 1 of diminishing your self worth and demonstrating your dependence on him and willingness to do anything for him. DTMFA.
Youāre girlfriend/sexual material but not wife material.
And you know what? Itās his right to have preferences, but heās wasting your time.
Eta personally I would leave him first, lose weight later. Heās not a serious candidate for husband. Itās just not healthy to build a relationship on such superficial conditions. You deserve better. Nta.
My friend married a guy who told her he would marry her if she got down to 110. She did. They got married and it was always something, her hair was too short, too curly , her car was too dirty, etc, etc,. they are divorced now and he is on wife #4.
yup. i didnāt know if i was reaching but i was at my literal fattest (reasonably so) at 9 months pregnant, and for the first few months of postpartum.
i was at my most vulnerable, and i was so thankful that my partner was not shallow. he gave me a lot of reassurance and comfort.
life has a lot of seasons. make sure to pick someone who will, undoubtedly, love you in all of them, OP.
My ex husband did this. In fact he cheated during most of our marriage after we had children. Used the excuse that I was too busy with our children to pay the attention to him he felt he deserved.
Menopause hits and everyone gains weight... Skip out and use the cost for the divorce lawyer for a house down payment or an amazing vacation. You're going to grow old and get wrinkles and white hair and gain weight. If he doesn't love you for who you are, it'll go downhill in a decade.
This. If he doesn't love you as you are, then don't marry him. In fact, I'd break up. Love should be unconditional if you are talking about marriage. In the rest of your life, you will likely gain and lose weight as you go through life's stages, get wrinkles, grey hair... He doesn't sound like the kind of person to stay by your side through sickness and health.
Listen to this advice!! I was so skinny when I first met my husband and definitely gained a lot of weight before we got married. We've since had two babies. The woman I am today looks nothing like the 20 year old he met. A man who loves you will not care about your weight (unless it's from a health concern). Toss out the whole man OP
This just gives him something to hold over your head forever. I would dump him - I've dated more than one guy who had this attitude and I am much happier having dumped them and gotten my head on straight.
My thoughts exactly. Iām 11 months pp and havenāt lost the baby weight because I had to breastfeed and needed meds. I have a feeling this man would use the excuse of me feeding our hypothetical kid as a reason for cheating because I wasnāt his ideal weight.
I was going to say lose the 200 or so lbs of loser dude and then maybe lose some of her own weight afterwards *if* she wants to slim down (she doesnt need to as plenty of guys like women thicc)
Way, waaaay too much stress! I can't imagine. As someone who has to work really, really hard to stay just at the edge of not quite overweight, I couldn't deal with that kind of pressure. Guessing he'd also want her to be more on the slender side, and stressing to stay there would likely be really harmful.
Lose weight and then dump him lol. I feel sometimes itās good to have a partner who pushes you to be better BUT NOT WHEN HE APPLIES CONDITIONS TO HIS LOVE. NTA
Nah, dump him and then focus on you.
I agree with the above comment though, his love must be pretty damn shallow if it's conditional. He doesn't deserve you unless he can love you as you are inside and out.
This is so true. A lot of people donāt know what true love is. Emotional intelligence is a real thing. Why wouldnāt he approach her differently and say something like, you know I hate working out by myself. Can you work out with me? Or I want you to be healthy so you can stay with me forever. Can we go walking a few days a week? At least, this is something I could get behind.
Lose weight or Iām not gonna marry you is essentially what he is saying and its completely disgusting. Makes me wonder if you get pregnant and gain weight or if you get some type of injury where you canāt work out if heās going to leave in the future.
My husband went from 190 pounds to 260 pounds. I never ever once told him to lose weight. Every time he asked me how he looked. I told him he looked amazing. Itās because I love who he is as a person. A few years ago, he started going to the gym by himself without my encouragement at all. But if he hadnāt, I still wouldāve married him.
I totally agree. I was the one who yoyo'd...my partner met me at 230, and then over the next 9 years I went to 320. However after a health scare I'm now at 200 and in the best shape of my life. Never once was I made to feel less than. I'll admit there were times that I could tell he was no longer sexually attracted to me, but I never felt like he was withholding his love. That support and partnership was integral to my losing 120lbs over the last year.
(I comment from the treadmill š¤£)
I'm actually a man.
I got very sick with an infection they couldn't get under control about 7 years ago, after that I just kind of let my fitness go. I'm predisposed to diabetes, heart disease, and cholesterol issues from both sides of my family. As my weight increased I developed type II diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, a long with stage 3 non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (basically cirrhosis). I wasn't doing very good at managing it all. I had chosen my doctor specifically because he had a reputation for speaking bluntly to patients, and I'm glad I did. I'm off most of my medication for everything but my diabetes, and he said he was impressed during my last check up.
More importantly though, I'm just super freaking proud of myself for doing what needed to be done.
Donāt comment from the treadmill, lady! Itās an easy way to fall. I know from experience and itās like falling onto a giant belt sander. I put a tv up on the wall so I can use my treadmill and play games on my switch. It keeps me from being tempted to use my phone.
True love is being a team. Together you work things out, support each other. If she wants to loose weight, than he will support her, train together, slimmer food etc.
If you loose weight I'll marry you, he showed how he really is. What's next? If you lost weight, what is his next condition? Please never go along with these worthless and sick demands.
I'm so sorry for you that he suddenly drops a mask.
If someone understands so little about life, I don't think it will be long before he abandons you on another front, making demands on you because otherwise you don't deserve his love.
Who does he think he is?
NTA girl, hug. Choose love for yourself. He doesn't deserve it.
Nah just dump him. And youāll have lost over 100lbs in seconds.
And then, if youāre looking to make changes in your health and fitness, do it for yourself.
I'd love to see one of these ladies lose the weight their jerkoff wants, making him pay for special meals and a gym membership. Then tell him she feels she could do better now and leave him. It's just something I'd like to see. Something like: "After starving myself and running 5 Km a day, I feel like I deserve someone who has a yacht and private jet."
Don't wait. Dump him right now. Even better the second he made that comment.
NTA - this isn't something you can undo in your mind.
OP even if he wanted to talk to you about your weight imagine having a partner who goes about discussing issues in this way. I have no idea how sensitive you are about your weight but he didn't even try to be kind about bringing it up. He is an asshole.
NTA. Tell him you'll lose weight before marrying him, then dump him and exclaim, omg I just dropped *however many kgs he weighs.
Honestly though, he is an asshole for saying that. Either he loves you enough to marry you or he doesn't. The issue that you face here is that... say you do lose weight and he is then happy to marry you. What if you put on weight in the future because you're getting older, have an injury or illness, fall pregnant etc. Is he going to be an asshole about it again or support and love you.
After my parents split, people often complimented my mam and asked if she'd lost weight.Ā She took great delight in responding "Yeah about [insert my father's weight here]"
I was at a cousins wedding and another cousin had lost a significant amount of weight along with her spouse. Anyway, I then commented that I too had lost almost 200 pounds. When looking at me you could tell that clearly was not true, and I just said ā oh, I got divorced. I thought you knew.!ā
This is the perfect answer! Can you imagine his shocked face if she said that? Alternatively I would tell him I will lose weight but you need to grow a bigger dick before I marry you!
Heās totally the guy that would want her dieting and working out throughout her whole pregnancy regardless of how sheās feeling or what the doctor says. Then expect her to be back at it the day she gets home from the hospital. Then lose his mind when sheās not back perfect shape like 2 weeks after delivery.
I mean thereās a really quick way to lose about 180-200lbs.
Dump his shallow ass lol
All seriousness youāre NTA. What if you lost the weight, and then regained due to pregnancy/motherhood? Or simply let yourself go? Weight very often fluctuates in people naturally, we have our moments.
Iām currently losing weight, but itās something Iāve decided for myself and by myself, and itās something I was working on before I got into a relationship. My partner doesnāt care what size I am - he loves all of me regardless.
You really triggered the incels with the thought that women can be in happy, healthy relationships regardless of their size and weight. Poor wittle guys.
Seriously I love how they all assumed I was obese and just being delusional about myself.
My story is: I was 250lbs. Iām now 170 after years of work. For my height (5ā10) Iām just a whisker overweight. I want to lose 10 more, but I met my partner when I was at about 185.
He hasnāt wavered. We go out for hikes, and walks, swim every day in summer, we have bad snack days sometimes, but mostly we eat healthy.
He was also 250lbs once upon a time and has also lost 80lbs. He gets it. These incel basement dwellers donāt.
Here's the deal with that:
Outside of the workplace, nobody has to date, socialize, or interact with anyone who they don't choose to, for any reason or no reason.
So, if your boyfriend had MET you yesterday or last week, and simply thought, "Well, she's not my type", or just plain didn't feel a spark, that would at least be fair and square.
However, for him to date you for a year, and THEN decide you don't meet his standards? That's dirty pool.
Exactly. Why bring it up now, unless you're pushing boundaries to see if you can say that stuff.
In my 30s, I was a belly dancer and had an inch of fat over some solid muscle. One day I was enjoying a Faire snack and he commented that maybe I shouldn't finish that. I told him to fck off, but was still self-conscious for a long time, and it messed with my head. We're divorced now. One reason is because he kept trying to nitpick me.
Honey, no man is worth the mental gymnastics. If you stay, you will feel bad about every mouthful. Make healthy choices for your whole life, not just a small part.
Obviously, it's time to end the relationship. The question is, do you want to just dump his entitled ass and get away from him, or do you want revenge? If revenge is the route forward, here is my advice.
Tell him you'll lose weight if he pays for the both of you to go to a serious gym, not a fad gym full of skinny-mini mean girls who would fat-shame you, to work out together with a trainer and he diets right alongside you. Use him to get in top shape and confidence, then find your upgrade.
If he won't put his money where his mouth is, just dump his worthless ass and go to the gym anyway. The right gym will be full of serious bodybuilders who will encourage you every step of the way and leave you with a renewed sense of self-worth and a fit body.
Believe me when I say there is nothing like the endorphin rush you get when you are fit enough to work out properly for the right length of time. My best friend went from 260 to 175 that way. Unfortunately, the gym lost its lease and closed, but by that time, she was ready to take on the snobs at LA Fitness. 30 years later and she still won't miss her workout, though now she uses Oculus.
NTA
Go live your best life!
NTA but your idiot partner sure is one. People in this forum will tell you he's just 'stating a preference.' Sure. You can state a preference without being a gaping asshole. Don't fall for this amateurish 'negging' bullshit.
>how do I even bring this up without it turning into a huge fight?
Realistically, you probably can't. A childish, manipulative person that would say that to you is also a childish, manipulative person who will be incredibly defensive about it and play the victim. Think carefully about how much more time you'd like to waste trying to get a person like that to grow up when it's never going to happen.
>self-conscious about my weight
Independently, the weight loss industrial complex spends billions teaching you (and, to be fair, your moron boyfriend) that your 'ideal' weight is super important to obtain. Except your 'ideal' weight is computed with outdated science (that was never really science) and in no way factors in your personal situation. Being 'overweight' relative to arbitrary cutoffs on shitty measures like BMI has relatively little to do with your health.
The bigger factor is what proportion of your time you spend 'chilling on the couch.' Fitness rather than fatness is the thing about which you need to become more conscious as you get older. And: this doesn't mean you need to jump right back on the weight loss industry's hamster wheel! It just means being active now is necessary so that you can be independent later. You don't need to run 5 miles a day, but if you don't walk anywhere either, it will catch up with you.
If you're doing fine and not too sedentary and just a little 'conscious about my weight,' welcome to literally everyone else's reality. Ditch the loser and feel better about yourself.
Cut your losses and move on. If he feels this way now, how is he going to react if you have kids and put on some mama weight or you gain weight due to a slowing metabolism.
I have been married 25 years, and over that time my wife has lost and gained weight. She is the heaviest now than she has ever been (and so am I) and I want her to lose weight for health reasons, but when I see her, I still see the 25 year old that I married.
The quickest way to lose weight is to dump him and do whatever the hell makes you happy! Lose weight, gain weight, do nothingā¦live however makes you feel good.
The fact of the matter is your weight will fluctuate over the span of a marriage as you have children and age, especially if youāre prone to weight gain. I get itās about health as well, but thereās also factors you cannot control at times.
Your partner should be there to support you not hold it against you.
He just directly told you he is settling right now. He said, "You are too fat for my tastes. I can't marry you as is. But let's continue to bump uglies until someone less huge comes along."
Only you can answer whether you think this is acceptable treatment from a boyfriend, let alone a husband.
But I know what I'd do. YWBTA if you stay with him, IMO.
Note: People are allowed their physical preferences in a mate. However, settling just to have access to sex while giving your partner a completely different impression of the basis of the relationship is a dick move.
I had a boyfriend who was constantly negging me but somehow always got over my flaws when it was time for sex. One day, I had enough. Iām Black and he was Filipino (this information matters). He would always say āYouād look so much better if you were Asian!ā constantly in front of of his friends. Well I had enough and retorted āIf you were Black your dick would be bigger but you donāt hear me complaining!ā His boys had a real hoot with that one.
"I was thinking about your comment the other day and I decided that I don't really want to marry someone based on conditions, I've decided that I will lose some weight, but I've also decided I prefer being single. I will always appreciate our time together though and thank you for your feedback". Block, delete, go not contact.
um. gross.
WTF.
Tell him you'll marry him if he can guarantee he won't lose his hair. Tell him you'd love him more if his biceps were bigger. Tell him to not let the door hit him on the way out.
Seems like this guy just showed you exactly why you *donāt* want to marry *him.* Consider it a blessing in disguise and dump him. NTA.
My weight has fluctuated 40-50lbs since being with my husband and never once has he made me feel less for it. Heās never, ever tied his love for me or his desire to be with me with my weight. At most heās expressed concern for my health when I was going through a difficult time, but he has never made negative comments (to any degree) about my body. I have done the same for him too.
Bodies change. This is normal. Life happens.
NTA. He is. I had an ex do the same to me, even went so far as to set a target number that was, quite honestly, unrealistic for my height and build.
Dumped him, lost the weight and at my fittest met my current partner. About a year into our relationship I had several health complications that required major surgery and my thyroid just stopped working. I gained 10 kg in a month and all he ever was was loving and supportive and there for me.
I'm now on a path to healing and the weight is SLOWLY coming off but what if I had stayed with '60kg and you can meet my family and I will marry you' jerk?
I know people on here love to say cut and run but as someone who has lived through this talk to him about it because it might have been a stupid joke or a reference or whatever but if he was serious, find yourself someone who deserves you.
Well I personally wouldnāt want to marry someone who weighs my entire value as a wife and partner against what a $10 Walmart scale says. Heās shown you who he is. Believe him and leave.
NTA. What about you as a person? Your weight shouldn't have any bearing on whether or not he will marry you. I would have responded to that rude remark by ending the relationship.
Why are you worried about not turning this into a huge fight? It should definitely be turned into one.
If your relationship functions only because you are nice, because you forgive him and excuse his behavior, itās not a good relationship for you.
Notice that your go-to response was self doubt. Why? Do think he stopped for even a second to consider how his words would affect you? Do you think heās worried and mulling it over right now?
And yet you are the one doing all the hand wringing here. You canāt reconcile your emotions with his words because there is no excuse for what he said.
NTA 100% didn't need to get past the title to know your partner is male.
Also what kind of expectation is that? You lose weight, get engaged and if you put weight on... What? Don't get married? Don't stay married???
That's a lifetime of insecurity you don't deserve or need from a partner.
Absolute deal-breaker from me!
Youāre NTA for feeling you donāt want to get into shape and are less interested in a guy that wants you to be.Ā
But these are tough conversations. Love might be unconditional but entering into marriage is not.
* Letās say you love him but he isnāt very career focused and you donāt want to be the breadwinner. Are you wrong to tell him you would marry him if he could sort out his career?
* You love him but he smokes. You tolerate the smoking but you donāt want to start a family with a smoker. Itās a hard conversation but are YTA for asking him to quit?
* His job requires travel but you donāt want to marry and start a family if heāll be on the road the whole time. Are YTA?
* You love him but heās a slob and you donāt want to do all the cleaning or have to make him clean.Ā
Iām sure you get the idea.Ā
Your fitness is important for its own sake and not just his preferences.Ā
Thank god someone in the comments isnt just white knighting this.
I asked for INFO because its a very complex situation. I once had a partner who asked me to lose weight. I was momentarily crushed. But when we talked about it calmly she said my weight was giving me MORE health issues, she said I didnt have energy for good sex anymore and she said she would be more attracted to me if I looked healthy.
At the time I weighed almost 120 kg. We started going to the gym together, changed our diet and within 6 months I had lost over 30 kg, down to 80 and felt great. My health problems became better and I actually enjoyed the sight of myself in the mirror. (And sex life improved so that was a big bonus)
I had friends tell me to "dump her ass" when I told them she thought I was fat and needed to lose weight. She expressed the initial thought clumsily which did hurt my feelings. But it came from a place of pure love, she wanted me to feel better and to make our mutual life better.
Nowadays, I am sad I didnt listen to her more on other things. Maybe the relationship couldve worked out had I not been so fast to assume the worst about what people say...
>Shouldnāt he love me for who I am?
No... and people need to run far, far from this concept - it's becoming a point of fixation for many people these days.
Hear me out.
If I'm an alcoholic, and exhibiting behaviors that are, at best, not conducive to leading a healthy, stable life long-term... what options do my partner have?
My partner can:
* marry me as is - likely running into a buzz saw of a life at the hands of my alcoholism.
* leave me - in order to avoid the buzz saw
* stay with me under the condition that I can get my alcoholism under control - if I can, marriage is on the table
I understand alcohol is different than simply being overweight but honestly you can come up with a nearly endless list of "afflictions" to replace alcoholism with and the idea of a person saying "I love you - but to be with you long term I need X thing to be sorted out" isn't wrong... at all.
At the end of the day you're not saying "You're not worthy of my love unless you lose weight" you're saying "for me to commit myself to you for the rest of my life I need to see some effort to improve in this category"
The person receiving that line has every right to say they have no interest in losing the weight and are exiting the relationship.
Unless you are morbidly obese to where itās causing health issues and definitely shortening your life span, even the premise of his comment was rude and insulting.
But even if that was the case, thatās not how healthy communication works. It would be more like, ābaby I want to marry you one day, but your poor health scares me, I donāt want to go all in just to lose you. If youād like, I can help you make some changes, even small ones, to help you become healthier.ā
Ask him why he's with you now if he disapproves of you.
Say "I don't think we're ever gonna get married then."
Right? BEST RESPONSE! "I'm not marrying you. Why do you think we're getting married?" wld have him pooping his pants.
I'd probably make it more biting. Same message but a little more meanness to it. "Where did you get the idea we're getting married? We're having a fun casual time. You didn't think I'd settle like that though, did you!?"
'Why would I settle for you?' Seems perfect. Just nice and casually.
Or shouldve said "If I lose weight, do you think I'll marry you?"
Honestly, if my partner said that to me, I'd consider saying "I can lose a shit tonne of weight, and really fast too" and then break up with them. š¤·š»āāļø I can not fathom someone "loving" you but then making a caveat like that to them deigning to marry you.
Attack his biggest insecurity - it is the reason you could never marry him, lol
Worth a shot He will either be relieved because that is what he wanted or shit his pants that he ruined it
No he will be shitting his pants cause she won't fall for his saddo-masochistic sick ways (thanks to support here!). And now he's gotta work real hard again to find another victim who may reject him again...
You see I'd have told him "ok, and I'll marry you if your dick grows 2 inches bigger" He's trying to make you feel insecure, hit him where it hurts too. Petty and childish? Yes. (Actually my fantasy is I would've said this, in reality I'd have probably cried)
haha yes!
The nuclear option āIād marry you if it was a little bit biggerā
āIād marry you if you were a man.ā
Id pay to stand security as she told him this.Ā
Followed by: "And I reserve the right to keep looking for my own forever person."
Why would I want to marry you?
Not to mention body changes pre and post partum
Exactly, clearly this guy doesn't understand that. No point in wasting anymore time with him
Totally agree. And I get it I wasted time on guys like these till I found the hubs who likes me at any weight.
and go for the ice cream, eat it right in his face
Because sheās enough as a regular partner that can get replaced easily but not enough (yet) to bind yourself more committed to. P.S.: just explaining, not approving of his thoughts.
>>Because sheās enough as a regular partner that can get replaced easily but not enough (yet) to bind yourself more committed to. Not Ms Right, but Ms. Right Now. That's the mentality.
If someone is only "enough as a regular partner that can be replaced easily," you should probably tell them ASAP. (Rhetorical "you.")
Sure, if you are a decent human being. People as shallow as that guy usually donāt fall in that category.
Say "I'll marry you if you ever stop being a superficial asshole." Or something like, "Oh, you thought I'd ever marry you? That's cute."
Because men want access to sex. Men stay for sex even when they donāt want long term or they donāt consider you āgood enoughā for long term.
If I were OP, I would cut him off. Lol. What an asshole!
Boys stay for sex Men stay for committment / relationship / emotional connection / sex I know it seems like a small distinction, but I think it's important
He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
Yep, believe him the first time. His love comes with conditions Speaking from several years experience with someone just like that - *run.*
And she's only put a year into the relationship. The longer she wastes on him, the harder it'll be to leave due to sunk cost fallacy. Cut your losses OP! Honestly though idk if Reddit is poisoning me or what but the more I read about stuff like this the more I don't even want to date. Imagine dating someone for a whole year and then they suddenly drop that on you. Buddy must have thought he had her reeled in just enough that he could start with the negging/emotional abuse.
I was fat when I started dating my first serious boyfriend. After he turned 21 and could start buying his own beer, I had a problem with his beer consumption. That's when he started having a problem with my weight. And makeup. And clothing style. And personality. Just became a complete asshole. Took years to deal with a lot of the trauma he left behind. And the jackass still shows up in my dreams regularly fifteen years later.
Ugh, what is it with the dream thing anyway? I sometimes dream I've gotten back together for some reason with one of my exes...I regret it before I've even woken up lol
Oh yeah, the number of times I've dreamt about him forcing his way back into my life and then doing things without giving a shit how it affects me or finding him cheating on me. My other exes rarely show up in my dreams. Even when I think about them more often during the day.
Same (abusive relationship/ex-husband). He shows up in my dreams whenever I am stressed about something in real life. Like, he had become the personification of all my anxieties. I just take it for what it is: I am stressed and this is how my brain deals.
Same and I hate it. I'm only about 2 years free if my ex husband and sometimes I wake up really confused after dreaming about him. Like confused about what really happened and how abusive he actually was when in the dream he was normal and pleasant... Though sometimes he's a total asshat so ...eh. my brain can just stop. I'd like to go back to stress dreaming about dying in a car crash rather than have him show up ...
Me too. Iāve been with my partner 19 years but the emotionally abusive ex shows up in nightmares from time to time.
Emotional abuse hits hard. Sounds like some lingering PTSD. Just remember heās the one with the problems, not you. Donāt internalize that stuff inasmuch as you are able. I know itās hard. I am still dealing with some of that myself from tons of verbal abuse from a sibling. Having your ego torn apart so often is really tough to deal with.
Omg me too! I hate those dreams so much. I'm usually in such a bad mood once I'm awake and remember the dream heh
I'm the opposite, I feel relief upon waking because I realize I didn't really get back with them and now I don't have to awkwardly break up again š
Oh this happens to me too (and itās been like 15 years!) I donāt understand the dream thing at all!
Same with my ex-husband. Hate those dreams.
This happens to me too. But mine has a horrible awful ugly twist. My mother is a huge source of trauma and stress and old hurt in my life and so is an ex of mine I left in 2013. To this day I still have dreams where he is cheating on me with my mother. What the hell?? I'm always really happy when I wake up and realize thank God it was a dream.
Wow! That is wild.
It's so yuck. I wake up so thankful it was a dream every time now. I think it's been 4 times now I've had it š¤Æšµāš«
My mom still has nightmares where she finds herself married to my dad again. Theyāve been divorced for over thirty years.
This happened to me. An abusive ex apparently thought he could friend me on IG. I blocked his ass so fast, but I proceeded to dream about him for several nights in a row afterwards. None of them pleasant. It's crazy how you can think you're making progress and then something comes along and derails you. I just hope I never cross paths with him IRL.
Your brain associates certain people with specific types of situations, I often dream of this one, old friend I had when I need to avoid a situation, and another old friend when I am losing control of a situation, then of demons when I need to avoid someone. If you see an ex in your dream try to think of what happened in your day that might have triggered an association with him, it could help
Well, I kind of already mentioned the trigger. It was when he tried to get in touch over IG...
Sorry meant to reply to alett146 for saying they donāt understand the dream thing, but an ex popping up back into your life is a pretty clear cut reason to dream of them for sure
Literally just described one of my relationships. He became dependent on alcohol and became vile. "If you cut your hair I'll leave you." "If you become a vegetarian I'll leave you." "You could lose weight." (He wasn't exactly small himself) First things I did when I left him was cut my hair and become a vegetarian (ironically now my hair is the longest it's been and I eat meat again but hey). He left me alone in the middle of a busy town once with no way of getting home because he found out I was self harming. That was 4 years into the relationship and it still took me months to end it. The relationship ended in 2014 and I'm still dealing with trauma and processing things that happened.
Guessing his ābeer belly ā is probably significant by now.
I refuse to look at his social media, even when I sent a message last year just to be like "since I have to live with the trauma you inflicted, you get to be aware of what you really did to me." I managed to avoid even looking at his picture. But according to my mother, he doesn't look that different from when we were dating. Still, my anxiety goes up any time I see men who even look similar to him.
You all have those weird nightmares too? A lot of exes and horrible flings show up in my nightmares decades later. Itās stressful having that trauma show up in our dreams.
I still have those dreams. I left him over a year and a half ago and he still pops up. I still try to catch him cheating and know heās going to screw me over while we move and try to buy a house. Maybe dream me will kick him out and call the police next time.
Dream me is super weak. I've dreamt being angry enough to want to hurt him physically, but it feels like trying to punch through the forensic gelatin shit they use to catch bullets.
Yessssssss! I think it must be that we feel powerless. But I know that the real version of me is much stronger (mentally) than what he thought.
Yeah, real me can throw around a 40-lb kid (playfully, of course) or a 50-lb bag of flour. So in real life, an assault could still cause him damage. But dream me causes like 1hp damage. XD
Just remember, nightmares are dreams, too.
People on reddit donāt usually post about how happy their relationships are. Itās good to know deal breakers ahead of time though. There are lots of people out there, why waste time on people who donāt value you?
I totally get it! It ain't pretty out there. Maybe reading more about shitty partners will help us weed out the assholes earlier? š¤·āāļø
I like to think so š¤£ If there's a silver lining I guess that's it. Learning vicariously.
There are a lot of assholes out there (regardless of genre) and there are a lot of good people out there. It might hurt but having someone (someone good) to share your life with is amazing.
I read this quote from a Quaker woman 40 years ago and itās still relevant: It takes a mighty good man to be better than no man at all.
Preach lol...now that I've been single for 3 years I've accepted it and started enjoying certain perks of it and it's gonna take someone pretty special to make me upset the status quo, even if it's lonely sometimes.
Omg Iām putting this in my dating profile lmao love the Quakers
I agree, which is why I haven't given up on it entirely. Hoping I can find someone great someday without having to wade through too much misery š¤
Reddit is poisoning you. People who are happy don't come online to complain.
Exactly. Imagine basing your perspectives off of people who are miserable and make bad life choices and then go wooo thanks for saving me lol.... I'm not sure what people consider relationships now but I thought these types of things were communicated and spoken about before getting a yr into a relationship. People have preferences they are allowed to especially when it comes to dating, sex, marriage etc. compatibility is a huge matter on all fronts. Hobbies, past, current feelings, likes , dislikes etc. but yet I read all these AITAH posts and it's like these people have just started dating or never really had tough relationship conversations in the past to vet everything out. It is what it is though. Until people learn really how to communicate again face to face and actually have meaningful dialogue that may be tough with their partners we will continue to see these stories. Hope everything works out for OP etc but again how the hell can after a year she doesn't understand or realize her size is an issue to him ? And I say this with the most respect I'm a bigger dude and understand how hurtful words can be. But I had these conversations with my wife we are together for 16 yrs now. And OP if he wants to marry you with a stipulation then it's probably not the best fit. Especially if you make the changes and then experience a difficult time and go back. Then what happens does he divorce you or just cheat behind your back? Try to have the conversation with him but I have a feeling he isn't going to budge and if he said it out loud no matter how much he tries to say he was just joking etc. there is truth in his statement as he wouldn't have thought of it if he didn't really feel it. Wishing OP the best and everyone who is single and having issues. But learn and have those tough conversations with your partner when things are starting to get serious. Not worth wasting your time on a dead end. Remember it's not just time you are wasting but also the opportunity to meet the right partner for you.
You are getting a selection bias. There are not many that make posts about their happy healthy relationship.
I married someone like this. I was too young to understand this comment as emotional manipulation. If this were to become a pattern it would qualify as emotional abuse. I suggest leaving this relationship now before your self esteem plummets even more.
Exactly that! Because what happens if she has a baby? When she inevitably hits menopause? Humans change, their bodies fluctuate. If you canāt handle that youāre not ready to be in a committed relationship
This. Because, let's face it, it's more likely that *any* person will gain weight as they get older, not stay the same or lose weight. Don't add that stress to your life. You can find someone who will love you no matter your size.
Yep! I wish I had run the first time my ex-husband told me, 'I think you're pretty, but you would be sexy/hot if you had a flat stomach.' And this was before two high-risk pregnancies that almost kilked me. I have a mom pooch now, but I don't care, I have my babies.
As someone currently Running šš½āāļø from someone like that š who didn't want me "Fat" BUT wanted me to pop kids like tic tacs, yet still have the body of a 20 year old! RUN GIRL RUNš£ļø
RUN LIKE THE WIIIIND
Yup. Dude can just buy a blow up doll with the body he wants. Op - good for you for realizing this isnāt the one. Toss him on the garbage heap. Find the one who thinks you are wonderful the way you are.
Easiest weight OP will ever lose is dumping this guyĀ
And not just conditions, but superficial expectations that have nothing to do with anything. If he cared about health, he would have put it differently. He cares what other people think and has expectations that make it clear he's not currently as serious about the relationship, because he already deems OP as unfit for a true relationship. That's bullshit and would completely ruin the relationship for me. Being in doubt about whether or not it's OK to have feeling about it just tells me OP is already on the downswing from the slippery slope. In no world, unless someone is truly unhealthy and hurting themselves, should weight be something that dictates love or care, and even then it should be a focus on getting healthy and taking care of yourself. Not fitting a superficial aesthetic. All this being said, a lot of guys feel this way, even guys who look like shit and don't take care of themselves. This isn't news. But it's a warning sign. Take care, OP. You deserve better.
This is exactly the type of man who cheats when his wife is pregnant and leaves when she gets cancer.
Or leaves after his wife gets a mental illness diagnosis that was inconvenient to his lifestyle like my FIL
This is what came to mind too
Completely agree. Even if he meant it as a ājokeā itās not funny and if he thinks it is š©š©š©
This is the hardest lesson to learn. To stop painting over someone to fit what we want them to be instead of seeing who they are... Edit: spelling
Thank you for quoting the great Maya Angelou. That response was right on time.
My apologies for not citing the source, I could not remember from where I first read it.Ā
RUN!!!!! [Run](https://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=ms-android-att-us-rvc3&source=android-browser&q=run+gif#vhid=xIEUXIx-JM95bM&vssid=_4px1Zq7-LbTY5NoPsKeR0Aw_38)
Exactly. He is making it very clear that he values aesthetics over who you are as a person, as well as making you jump through hoops to āprove you are worthy of him.ā People who do that are not mature enough to be in a relationship. This is just as immature as those relationship tests that wind up on here a lot as they are simply asshole power plays. This is also an asshole power play with the 2 for 1 of diminishing your self worth and demonstrating your dependence on him and willingness to do anything for him. DTMFA.
Youāre girlfriend/sexual material but not wife material. And you know what? Itās his right to have preferences, but heās wasting your time. Eta personally I would leave him first, lose weight later. Heās not a serious candidate for husband. Itās just not healthy to build a relationship on such superficial conditions. You deserve better. Nta.
It was his right to have preferences a year ago when they started dating. This is just a dick move, getting the milk for free.Ā
Agreed if you confront him now he will say he was joking or something
My friend married a guy who told her he would marry her if she got down to 110. She did. They got married and it was always something, her hair was too short, too curly , her car was too dirty, etc, etc,. they are divorced now and he is on wife #4.
I can understand why a man gets married once. But 4 times? What (perceived) benefits does he get from being married?
He gets to boss someone around and itās easier to control someone you are married to.
He gets a new temporary bangmaid to control.
So what happens if you lose weight, marry, put it back, or have kids and gain weight. This is not acceptable.
Yea this guy gives off "I'm going to cheat on you while you're pregnant" vibes
Heāll cheat and then blame her for why he cheated
yup. i didnāt know if i was reaching but i was at my literal fattest (reasonably so) at 9 months pregnant, and for the first few months of postpartum. i was at my most vulnerable, and i was so thankful that my partner was not shallow. he gave me a lot of reassurance and comfort. life has a lot of seasons. make sure to pick someone who will, undoubtedly, love you in all of them, OP.
'Life has a lot of seasons. Make sure to pick someone who will love you in all of them' Holy craaap this is beautiful
My ex husband did this. In fact he cheated during most of our marriage after we had children. Used the excuse that I was too busy with our children to pay the attention to him he felt he deserved.
And yet you'd have had more time with him if he put in an equal amount of parenting.
Probably but he was too self centered to even consider that.
Lol, maybe he is cheating already.
Before, during, and after. Throw the whole man out.
He's probably to fat himself to find someone to cheat with
Menopause hits and everyone gains weight... Skip out and use the cost for the divorce lawyer for a house down payment or an amazing vacation. You're going to grow old and get wrinkles and white hair and gain weight. If he doesn't love you for who you are, it'll go downhill in a decade.
Decade? More like a year or less
This. If he doesn't love you as you are, then don't marry him. In fact, I'd break up. Love should be unconditional if you are talking about marriage. In the rest of your life, you will likely gain and lose weight as you go through life's stages, get wrinkles, grey hair... He doesn't sound like the kind of person to stay by your side through sickness and health.
Listen to this advice!! I was so skinny when I first met my husband and definitely gained a lot of weight before we got married. We've since had two babies. The woman I am today looks nothing like the 20 year old he met. A man who loves you will not care about your weight (unless it's from a health concern). Toss out the whole man OP
This just gives him something to hold over your head forever. I would dump him - I've dated more than one guy who had this attitude and I am much happier having dumped them and gotten my head on straight.
My thoughts exactly. Iām 11 months pp and havenāt lost the baby weight because I had to breastfeed and needed meds. I have a feeling this man would use the excuse of me feeding our hypothetical kid as a reason for cheating because I wasnāt his ideal weight.
Was thinking the same... for me this sentence would have been the death of the relationship.
Lose weight and get rid of that guy afterwards :D
No, accomplish any weight loss by losing the 100+ pounds he weighs and move on.
I was going to say lose the 200 or so lbs of loser dude and then maybe lose some of her own weight afterwards *if* she wants to slim down (she doesnt need to as plenty of guys like women thicc)
Way, waaaay too much stress! I can't imagine. As someone who has to work really, really hard to stay just at the edge of not quite overweight, I couldn't deal with that kind of pressure. Guessing he'd also want her to be more on the slender side, and stressing to stay there would likely be really harmful.
yes or she has to be on a medication that causes weight gain, or has an injury or disability that causes weight gain???
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Very well said!
Lose weight and then dump him lol. I feel sometimes itās good to have a partner who pushes you to be better BUT NOT WHEN HE APPLIES CONDITIONS TO HIS LOVE. NTA
Nah, dump him and then focus on you. I agree with the above comment though, his love must be pretty damn shallow if it's conditional. He doesn't deserve you unless he can love you as you are inside and out.
This is so true. A lot of people donāt know what true love is. Emotional intelligence is a real thing. Why wouldnāt he approach her differently and say something like, you know I hate working out by myself. Can you work out with me? Or I want you to be healthy so you can stay with me forever. Can we go walking a few days a week? At least, this is something I could get behind. Lose weight or Iām not gonna marry you is essentially what he is saying and its completely disgusting. Makes me wonder if you get pregnant and gain weight or if you get some type of injury where you canāt work out if heās going to leave in the future. My husband went from 190 pounds to 260 pounds. I never ever once told him to lose weight. Every time he asked me how he looked. I told him he looked amazing. Itās because I love who he is as a person. A few years ago, he started going to the gym by himself without my encouragement at all. But if he hadnāt, I still wouldāve married him.
I totally agree. I was the one who yoyo'd...my partner met me at 230, and then over the next 9 years I went to 320. However after a health scare I'm now at 200 and in the best shape of my life. Never once was I made to feel less than. I'll admit there were times that I could tell he was no longer sexually attracted to me, but I never felt like he was withholding his love. That support and partnership was integral to my losing 120lbs over the last year. (I comment from the treadmill š¤£)
Do u have PCOS? Cause your story sounds similar to mine. I despise PCOS. It affects all aspects of my life.
I'm actually a man. I got very sick with an infection they couldn't get under control about 7 years ago, after that I just kind of let my fitness go. I'm predisposed to diabetes, heart disease, and cholesterol issues from both sides of my family. As my weight increased I developed type II diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, a long with stage 3 non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (basically cirrhosis). I wasn't doing very good at managing it all. I had chosen my doctor specifically because he had a reputation for speaking bluntly to patients, and I'm glad I did. I'm off most of my medication for everything but my diabetes, and he said he was impressed during my last check up. More importantly though, I'm just super freaking proud of myself for doing what needed to be done.
Most definitely you should be proud! Thatās an accomplishment.
Good for you! Keep it up! Health is wealth.Ā
When the doc says, "change or die young, those are your choices" you listen.
Donāt comment from the treadmill, lady! Itās an easy way to fall. I know from experience and itās like falling onto a giant belt sander. I put a tv up on the wall so I can use my treadmill and play games on my switch. It keeps me from being tempted to use my phone.
Haha, I appreciate the concern! I'm pretty good at walking and typing though. (I'm also a man š)
True love is being a team. Together you work things out, support each other. If she wants to loose weight, than he will support her, train together, slimmer food etc. If you loose weight I'll marry you, he showed how he really is. What's next? If you lost weight, what is his next condition? Please never go along with these worthless and sick demands. I'm so sorry for you that he suddenly drops a mask. If someone understands so little about life, I don't think it will be long before he abandons you on another front, making demands on you because otherwise you don't deserve his love. Who does he think he is? NTA girl, hug. Choose love for yourself. He doesn't deserve it.
I like that term that you used. Understanding life. Because it is so simple yet so underrated.
Imagine if you told him "I will marry you if you made more money"... nah ah
Nah just dump him. And youāll have lost over 100lbs in seconds. And then, if youāre looking to make changes in your health and fitness, do it for yourself.
Spite is a powerful motivator
I'd love to see one of these ladies lose the weight their jerkoff wants, making him pay for special meals and a gym membership. Then tell him she feels she could do better now and leave him. It's just something I'd like to see. Something like: "After starving myself and running 5 Km a day, I feel like I deserve someone who has a yacht and private jet."
And op you have to know this wonāt be the only one, what else will he need you to do earn his love?!?!?
Don't wait. Dump him right now. Even better the second he made that comment. NTA - this isn't something you can undo in your mind. OP even if he wanted to talk to you about your weight imagine having a partner who goes about discussing issues in this way. I have no idea how sensitive you are about your weight but he didn't even try to be kind about bringing it up. He is an asshole.
or tell him to earn six figures to marry him.
Lose weight (180-200lbs?) BY dumping him.
And tell him youāve always wanted a very public proposal. So there will be an audience when he proposes and you say No :-)
I would absolutely do this. Just start focusing on myself right now. Get new hobbies, build an amazing body, buy new clothes, etc. And then goodbye.
NTA. Tell him you'll lose weight before marrying him, then dump him and exclaim, omg I just dropped *however many kgs he weighs. Honestly though, he is an asshole for saying that. Either he loves you enough to marry you or he doesn't. The issue that you face here is that... say you do lose weight and he is then happy to marry you. What if you put on weight in the future because you're getting older, have an injury or illness, fall pregnant etc. Is he going to be an asshole about it again or support and love you.
After my parents split, people often complimented my mam and asked if she'd lost weight.Ā She took great delight in responding "Yeah about [insert my father's weight here]"
I was at a cousins wedding and another cousin had lost a significant amount of weight along with her spouse. Anyway, I then commented that I too had lost almost 200 pounds. When looking at me you could tell that clearly was not true, and I just said ā oh, I got divorced. I thought you knew.!ā
This is the perfect answer! Can you imagine his shocked face if she said that? Alternatively I would tell him I will lose weight but you need to grow a bigger dick before I marry you! Heās totally the guy that would want her dieting and working out throughout her whole pregnancy regardless of how sheās feeling or what the doctor says. Then expect her to be back at it the day she gets home from the hospital. Then lose his mind when sheās not back perfect shape like 2 weeks after delivery.
I mean thereās a really quick way to lose about 180-200lbs. Dump his shallow ass lol All seriousness youāre NTA. What if you lost the weight, and then regained due to pregnancy/motherhood? Or simply let yourself go? Weight very often fluctuates in people naturally, we have our moments. Iām currently losing weight, but itās something Iāve decided for myself and by myself, and itās something I was working on before I got into a relationship. My partner doesnāt care what size I am - he loves all of me regardless.
You really triggered the incels with the thought that women can be in happy, healthy relationships regardless of their size and weight. Poor wittle guys.
Seriously I love how they all assumed I was obese and just being delusional about myself. My story is: I was 250lbs. Iām now 170 after years of work. For my height (5ā10) Iām just a whisker overweight. I want to lose 10 more, but I met my partner when I was at about 185. He hasnāt wavered. We go out for hikes, and walks, swim every day in summer, we have bad snack days sometimes, but mostly we eat healthy. He was also 250lbs once upon a time and has also lost 80lbs. He gets it. These incel basement dwellers donāt.
Here's the deal with that: Outside of the workplace, nobody has to date, socialize, or interact with anyone who they don't choose to, for any reason or no reason. So, if your boyfriend had MET you yesterday or last week, and simply thought, "Well, she's not my type", or just plain didn't feel a spark, that would at least be fair and square. However, for him to date you for a year, and THEN decide you don't meet his standards? That's dirty pool.
Exactly. Why bring it up now, unless you're pushing boundaries to see if you can say that stuff. In my 30s, I was a belly dancer and had an inch of fat over some solid muscle. One day I was enjoying a Faire snack and he commented that maybe I shouldn't finish that. I told him to fck off, but was still self-conscious for a long time, and it messed with my head. We're divorced now. One reason is because he kept trying to nitpick me. Honey, no man is worth the mental gymnastics. If you stay, you will feel bad about every mouthful. Make healthy choices for your whole life, not just a small part.
NTA. Give him a list of things he needs to change about himself before you marry him.
""I'll marry you if you lose weight"? "And if you get a halfway decent personality and a dick thats even close to average size, ill say yes"
Thank you! This is a proposal?! Like sheās just presumed to say yes?
Dang, this needs more up votes
NTA. Only a year into this? Time to get out!
Heās an ass. Ditch him now. I guarantee if you lose weight, heāll just move the goalpost.
Obviously, it's time to end the relationship. The question is, do you want to just dump his entitled ass and get away from him, or do you want revenge? If revenge is the route forward, here is my advice. Tell him you'll lose weight if he pays for the both of you to go to a serious gym, not a fad gym full of skinny-mini mean girls who would fat-shame you, to work out together with a trainer and he diets right alongside you. Use him to get in top shape and confidence, then find your upgrade. If he won't put his money where his mouth is, just dump his worthless ass and go to the gym anyway. The right gym will be full of serious bodybuilders who will encourage you every step of the way and leave you with a renewed sense of self-worth and a fit body. Believe me when I say there is nothing like the endorphin rush you get when you are fit enough to work out properly for the right length of time. My best friend went from 260 to 175 that way. Unfortunately, the gym lost its lease and closed, but by that time, she was ready to take on the snobs at LA Fitness. 30 years later and she still won't miss her workout, though now she uses Oculus. NTA Go live your best life!
Girlā¦..drop him like heās hot
NTA but your idiot partner sure is one. People in this forum will tell you he's just 'stating a preference.' Sure. You can state a preference without being a gaping asshole. Don't fall for this amateurish 'negging' bullshit. >how do I even bring this up without it turning into a huge fight? Realistically, you probably can't. A childish, manipulative person that would say that to you is also a childish, manipulative person who will be incredibly defensive about it and play the victim. Think carefully about how much more time you'd like to waste trying to get a person like that to grow up when it's never going to happen. >self-conscious about my weight Independently, the weight loss industrial complex spends billions teaching you (and, to be fair, your moron boyfriend) that your 'ideal' weight is super important to obtain. Except your 'ideal' weight is computed with outdated science (that was never really science) and in no way factors in your personal situation. Being 'overweight' relative to arbitrary cutoffs on shitty measures like BMI has relatively little to do with your health. The bigger factor is what proportion of your time you spend 'chilling on the couch.' Fitness rather than fatness is the thing about which you need to become more conscious as you get older. And: this doesn't mean you need to jump right back on the weight loss industry's hamster wheel! It just means being active now is necessary so that you can be independent later. You don't need to run 5 miles a day, but if you don't walk anywhere either, it will catch up with you. If you're doing fine and not too sedentary and just a little 'conscious about my weight,' welcome to literally everyone else's reality. Ditch the loser and feel better about yourself.
Cut your losses and move on. If he feels this way now, how is he going to react if you have kids and put on some mama weight or you gain weight due to a slowing metabolism. I have been married 25 years, and over that time my wife has lost and gained weight. She is the heaviest now than she has ever been (and so am I) and I want her to lose weight for health reasons, but when I see her, I still see the 25 year old that I married.
Tell him you won't marry him unless his dick gets bigger. (Then dump him). NTA
Dump him and youāll lose more than enough weight. Stay true to yourself.
The quickest way to lose weight is to dump him and do whatever the hell makes you happy! Lose weight, gain weight, do nothingā¦live however makes you feel good. The fact of the matter is your weight will fluctuate over the span of a marriage as you have children and age, especially if youāre prone to weight gain. I get itās about health as well, but thereās also factors you cannot control at times. Your partner should be there to support you not hold it against you.
He just directly told you he is settling right now. He said, "You are too fat for my tastes. I can't marry you as is. But let's continue to bump uglies until someone less huge comes along." Only you can answer whether you think this is acceptable treatment from a boyfriend, let alone a husband. But I know what I'd do. YWBTA if you stay with him, IMO. Note: People are allowed their physical preferences in a mate. However, settling just to have access to sex while giving your partner a completely different impression of the basis of the relationship is a dick move.
I had a boyfriend who was constantly negging me but somehow always got over my flaws when it was time for sex. One day, I had enough. Iām Black and he was Filipino (this information matters). He would always say āYouād look so much better if you were Asian!ā constantly in front of of his friends. Well I had enough and retorted āIf you were Black your dick would be bigger but you donāt hear me complaining!ā His boys had a real hoot with that one.
Savage and he deserved it.
"I was thinking about your comment the other day and I decided that I don't really want to marry someone based on conditions, I've decided that I will lose some weight, but I've also decided I prefer being single. I will always appreciate our time together though and thank you for your feedback". Block, delete, go not contact.
um. gross. WTF. Tell him you'll marry him if he can guarantee he won't lose his hair. Tell him you'd love him more if his biceps were bigger. Tell him to not let the door hit him on the way out.
Leave him. THEN lose weight. And donāt take him back.
Thatās a nope from me dawg. Heās attaching conditions to something (that even the vows say) unconditional.
Seems like this guy just showed you exactly why you *donāt* want to marry *him.* Consider it a blessing in disguise and dump him. NTA. My weight has fluctuated 40-50lbs since being with my husband and never once has he made me feel less for it. Heās never, ever tied his love for me or his desire to be with me with my weight. At most heās expressed concern for my health when I was going through a difficult time, but he has never made negative comments (to any degree) about my body. I have done the same for him too. Bodies change. This is normal. Life happens.
NTA. He is. I had an ex do the same to me, even went so far as to set a target number that was, quite honestly, unrealistic for my height and build. Dumped him, lost the weight and at my fittest met my current partner. About a year into our relationship I had several health complications that required major surgery and my thyroid just stopped working. I gained 10 kg in a month and all he ever was was loving and supportive and there for me. I'm now on a path to healing and the weight is SLOWLY coming off but what if I had stayed with '60kg and you can meet my family and I will marry you' jerk? I know people on here love to say cut and run but as someone who has lived through this talk to him about it because it might have been a stupid joke or a reference or whatever but if he was serious, find yourself someone who deserves you.
Well I personally wouldnāt want to marry someone who weighs my entire value as a wife and partner against what a $10 Walmart scale says. Heās shown you who he is. Believe him and leave.
Never alter yourself for someone else, only ever for yourself.
NTA. Will he divorce you if you gain weight?
My wife certainly doesnāt look the way she did when we got married. I love her for who she is. Not what she looks like.
Here's a quick tip on how to lose 150lbs+ in just a few mins...dump the loser.
NTA. What about you as a person? Your weight shouldn't have any bearing on whether or not he will marry you. I would have responded to that rude remark by ending the relationship.
Why are you worried about not turning this into a huge fight? It should definitely be turned into one. If your relationship functions only because you are nice, because you forgive him and excuse his behavior, itās not a good relationship for you. Notice that your go-to response was self doubt. Why? Do think he stopped for even a second to consider how his words would affect you? Do you think heās worried and mulling it over right now? And yet you are the one doing all the hand wringing here. You canāt reconcile your emotions with his words because there is no excuse for what he said.
NTA. And you'll lose a lot of excess weight quite quickly if you ditched him.
If my partner said "I'll marry you if you lose weight" I'd say "I won't marry you at all"
NTA - only stay where you are honoured
That's not love. Run
NTA but if you stay with him you are a fool.
I'd get fit as F*** and dump his ass
Tell him great! Thanks for the info about the type of partner you are, I donāt want to marry anyone whose love is conditional on my pant size.
Wow what a beautiful, romantic offer of marriage. I suppose you were supposed to jump at the chance. Tell him to shove it up his ass.
NTA 100% didn't need to get past the title to know your partner is male. Also what kind of expectation is that? You lose weight, get engaged and if you put weight on... What? Don't get married? Don't stay married??? That's a lifetime of insecurity you don't deserve or need from a partner. Absolute deal-breaker from me!
Youāre NTA for feeling you donāt want to get into shape and are less interested in a guy that wants you to be.Ā But these are tough conversations. Love might be unconditional but entering into marriage is not. * Letās say you love him but he isnāt very career focused and you donāt want to be the breadwinner. Are you wrong to tell him you would marry him if he could sort out his career? * You love him but he smokes. You tolerate the smoking but you donāt want to start a family with a smoker. Itās a hard conversation but are YTA for asking him to quit? * His job requires travel but you donāt want to marry and start a family if heāll be on the road the whole time. Are YTA? * You love him but heās a slob and you donāt want to do all the cleaning or have to make him clean.Ā Iām sure you get the idea.Ā Your fitness is important for its own sake and not just his preferences.Ā
Thank god someone in the comments isnt just white knighting this. I asked for INFO because its a very complex situation. I once had a partner who asked me to lose weight. I was momentarily crushed. But when we talked about it calmly she said my weight was giving me MORE health issues, she said I didnt have energy for good sex anymore and she said she would be more attracted to me if I looked healthy. At the time I weighed almost 120 kg. We started going to the gym together, changed our diet and within 6 months I had lost over 30 kg, down to 80 and felt great. My health problems became better and I actually enjoyed the sight of myself in the mirror. (And sex life improved so that was a big bonus) I had friends tell me to "dump her ass" when I told them she thought I was fat and needed to lose weight. She expressed the initial thought clumsily which did hurt my feelings. But it came from a place of pure love, she wanted me to feel better and to make our mutual life better. Nowadays, I am sad I didnt listen to her more on other things. Maybe the relationship couldve worked out had I not been so fast to assume the worst about what people say...
You can easily lose about 200 lbs by dropping this asshƓle. Don't settle for meh like this, they only get worse. "Dick is abundant and low value"
>Shouldnāt he love me for who I am? No... and people need to run far, far from this concept - it's becoming a point of fixation for many people these days. Hear me out. If I'm an alcoholic, and exhibiting behaviors that are, at best, not conducive to leading a healthy, stable life long-term... what options do my partner have? My partner can: * marry me as is - likely running into a buzz saw of a life at the hands of my alcoholism. * leave me - in order to avoid the buzz saw * stay with me under the condition that I can get my alcoholism under control - if I can, marriage is on the table I understand alcohol is different than simply being overweight but honestly you can come up with a nearly endless list of "afflictions" to replace alcoholism with and the idea of a person saying "I love you - but to be with you long term I need X thing to be sorted out" isn't wrong... at all. At the end of the day you're not saying "You're not worthy of my love unless you lose weight" you're saying "for me to commit myself to you for the rest of my life I need to see some effort to improve in this category" The person receiving that line has every right to say they have no interest in losing the weight and are exiting the relationship.
š Red Flag š© Do Not Marry this man. I made this mistake. I was married to a man like this. it started out with harmless off hand comments and little jokes(knowing full well my history with eating disorder) and then progressed once we were married into him psychologically torturing me about my body. I was not even close to being fat, I was curvy and fit. Just to be petty I will add this man was balding, 5ā7, and overweight. I worked out daily, and he had never lifted a weight in his life. I donāt know what I was thinking putting up with it. When I divorced him and started dating I never met another man who had a problem with my body. Every man I dated was better looking and a million times kinder, and more respectful. Iām remarried and my husband now loves my body. Iām pregnant and he acts like Iām some kind of fertility goddess every time he sees me naked. That is what it should be like. My husband works out and eats really clean, if he has anything to say to me, it will be about improving health and overall wellbeing because he cares about my longevity. itās a big focus for us. If you fiancĆ© would have said something like āIām worried about your health and wellbeing because some of you diet choices are putting you at risk and I love you and want to see you thriving ā that different, that is coming from a place of caring for you. I could not image the hell my life would be if I was pregnant and still married to my ex husband. Please donāt marry this guy. NTA
Unless you are morbidly obese to where itās causing health issues and definitely shortening your life span, even the premise of his comment was rude and insulting. But even if that was the case, thatās not how healthy communication works. It would be more like, ābaby I want to marry you one day, but your poor health scares me, I donāt want to go all in just to lose you. If youād like, I can help you make some changes, even small ones, to help you become healthier.ā
NTA. But make sure to divorce him when he gains weight.
If he said and you been thinking it maybe do it..
Yep. Just like having bad credit. Fix it