This would totally work my husband worked from home but we also had a nanny so he can visit our daughter a lot during the day but he was also Child free for working. I of course went to the office every day. Our Nanny was wonderful. You just have to know exactly what you're looking for and screen for that.
It's also worth noting that OP (at least seems) to be in a fair position to hire an above-average nanny. So rather than hiring some teenager or college student that's just trying to make an extra buck with a glorified babysitting gig on the days they're otherwise free, they could get an educated/certified professional who's own career/livelihood would be entirely on the line were something to go wrong.
And maybe financially speaking, paying for such a good nanny just so that the dad can go back to work ends up being a wash. But it'd let both of them go back to work like they want and keep their kid cared for.
I was an above average nanny. This is a great solution. My charges got very little TV, lots of trips to parks, libraries, events, living history museums, we did lots of art, music, stories, and mostly someone who talked to them, answered their questions with real answers. An enriching environment is critical to intellectual growth and adults who are emotionally dependable are critical to emotional growth. Find a nanny who understands this and sings songs and brings treats.
There are PA'S, aka Personal Assitants. You live in your home and they come help you with whatever you need. I'm going to get one as soon as I find a place to live because I can no longer stand and cook or vacuum or, yuck, do dishes.
Me! Me! I volunteer as tribute!
(When my husband and I were first dating, we were long distance. The first time he came to visit, I asked what he wanted to do. His response: "I just want to walk around and have you tell me stories.")
NTA. You honored the agreement. He did not. Plus, the commitment of taking care and raising your baby until she’s able to speak is a serious commitment. He’s comfortably thinking to go back to his job and he dares to propose you to leave your practice 😤
Alternatives? Nanny or paying a relative who would be willing to take care of her
I can’t stand men-chicken 😤🐥
I AM ROLLING WITH THESE COMMENTS, HOW THIS WHOLE AITAH, CHANGED NOW🤣 ARE WE ALL THE ASSHOLES BECAUSE WE ALL WANT THIS GREAT NANNY, EVEN THOU WE HAVE NO KIDS😂🤣 THIS IS TOO FUNNY
With the husband working in marketing I'm sure he could find a remote position and they could still hire a nanny to care for their child while they are working, and Dad could be home so that he can alleviate the fear of any abuse/neglect.
I wouldn't be surprised if the husband didn't take OP seriously when she stated that she didn't want to bear children and he had no intention of keeping his agreement. A live in nanny is a good option. Pay careful attention to how your husband reacts to the idea of a nanny as well as how he perceives every potential and or actual nanny. If he has a problem with all of them that might mean that his plan all along was to convince you to be a SAHM and be financially dependent on him.
And there are ways to find properly vetted nannies with background checks and who are skilled and licensed in childcare necessities (nutrition, medical training etc.) There are also nannies who specialize in childhood development and education, who can give your child a great start in life! If you can live comfortably without his salary at all, you’ll have a lot of options for a GREAT nanny.
EDITED TO ADD: Husband should go back to work anyway. Your nanny doesn’t need to watch over two children.
I'm a working single mom. I get a sitter 2 afternoon/evenings per week so I can either work later or take a yoga class. It ends up being a wash financially, but it's completely worth it!
This sounds like the perfect solution! Husband works from home while a trusted nanny takes care of the baby. I would also recommend weekly or twice-weekly maid visits. OP isn't poor anymore! I'm poor, but have been friends with wealthy people who did the maid thing.
Ideally, husband will be in charge of hiring and maintaining the relationship. Payment should be prorated -- like, if you make four times as much as he does, he pays 20 percent and you pay 80 percent.
AND DON'T CHEAP OUT! Nanny or night nurse should make a living wage and be able to take care of their kids, maybe with a yearly vacation on the side.
Mothering is really, really hard, whether it's a mother, father or caretaker who does it.
@ u/Obvious-Mistake-7801
Exactly though I can understand OP not wanting daycare until her child is verbal. How would the child tell anyone if they're being abused or hurt? However, I absolutely agree that he's trying to trap her.
NTA. Nanny is GREAT IDEA. If he insists on op staying at home, he can just fk right off. Hes not trustworthy. Youd think he’d gain some empathy after failing at sahd. Kinda feel sorry for the kid. At some point, she gonna figure this out
Anyone who has tried working at home and caring for an infant knows you can’t work more than a few hours a day and the baby gets to decide those hours. I vote nanny, plus, as others have suggested, a house cleaner at least weekly—or an hour a day.
I think he just had a taste of mommy-hood life, and refuses to participate in any way. If they go nanny, he will welch on everything work-wise, and just stay home or roam.
Source: My ex-father. The most weaponized helpless asshole in the world. The kind of man who will ensure our species goes extinct.
This is absolutely the right answer. I'm a stray at home Dad and I understand the husbands point, but this was the agreement. I hit a wall from time to time and I break down. But nanny is just a slippery slope to daycare.
Well, no. It was the “test” of the slipper and warning sound. Like “yep, this still works, I’m going to give them a good one”. Like clicking tongs together when you pick them up if you will. Lol
Damn you beat me to it.
I was going to say it's like cracking a whip, swooshin' a switch, clacking some tongs. You gotta test those things to make sure they got enough juice left in them to do their job.
How you gonna flip meat if you are down to 2 clickty-clacks left before you fire up the grill? How you gonna slap the shit out the back of someone's head if you don't got enough *Thwack* in the chancla?
Both of my parents have always worked full-time, but my dad was unemployed for a bit when I was a baby/toddler and he says it was one of the most special times of his life. We had a blast together.
Everybody's different, and I'm not going to blame somebody for being like "I thought I could do this but actually it's so much harder than I thought!" especially when the baby is only 9 weeks old and their partner was just away at a conference all weekend. I know several women who found the weeks after their husband went back to work very hard, and I don't know any women who were left alone with the baby for a full weekend when they were only 9 weeks old.
HOWEVER, I will totally blame somebody who convinces their high-achieving wife to carry and give birth to a baby by saying he'll stay home and be the active parent who then turns around and says he felt "trapped" with the baby and that instead of him being trapped, she should be the one who feels trapped. Maybe he didn't intend to baby-trap her, but that's what he's trying to do now by making her give up her career so that he can be the stereotypical dad who comes home to a barefoot wife with a child he's not doing what he promised to do.
I'm not saying OP should immediately divorce him, because I think potentially the new baby can make everything scarier and harder, but she should not entertain any of his nonsense about this. Maybe she doesn't need to go away for a full weekend often, if it can be helped, but she should be allowed to go to work every day, like she said she would be doing.
It’s just annoying to hear that he’s complaining when he put her in that position in the first place. I think it’s ironic that men look at women as “emotional” and “weak” when they EXPECT us to carry their baby for 9 months, give birth, then stay home and take care of the baby.
I also like to say that fathers watching their own children when the mother is away is called “parenting” and not “babysitting”.
Even if she wasn’t working full time he should still be able to take care of his own kid on his own from time to time. Like what if she was home with the baby and SHE needed a break?
I would not trade anything with my time other than trying to get my son off mashing the red button when we were playing Pokémon stadium. He didn't get there were other buttons until later in life. Ironically he best me about 50% of the time
Same, i did the Stay at home dad thing to a baby girl for 4 month after I got out of the Army. Best job EVER! Got up made breakfast for everyone, started the laundry, put dinner in the crockpot or Sous vide. Played with my daughter while folding clothes and listening to music. Made lunch, put baby down for nap, get my workout in, then more games, and playing while I finished up dinner.... I was so sad when I had to give it up to go back to work.
I am so jealous of him. He gets to stay home all day playing with his kid while his badass wife saves peoples lives for a living and is payed a ton to do it, and hes unhappy? What a fucking loser.
This is the way OP. He is one of those immature a- holes that wanted to have a child in the same way as a little child wants a puppy: ignoring all consequences and not liking the consequences afterwards. And now he tries to force someone else to take care of it.
Get a nanny, dump the husband and give him 50/50, this is the only possibility he would ever take care of Your daughter. Otherwise You will become a very miserable sahm and he the absent father, Your marriage is already doomed and it's all because of him.
NTA
This is what I always say.
Men who pester their wives for babies without having a proper rational discussion and planning basically consider it akin to a kid having a pet.
Play all day and return it to mommy at night.
He thought it'd be the same with the kid
Now he can't imagine that he has to be a grown up and keep his word
I don't think they need a discussion. They need a week with a toddler to be healed. There are men that really like being with their children. There are others that wanted one because it is something people need to have it all: like a house and two cars and holidays and it's not the same.
How convenient that the minute OP is set to return to work he can't handle it and wants her to work from home (as a doctor???) Now she has to choose between making sure her kid is cared for and her career, what a bastard. Sounds more like hes trying to get her to quit working altogether so he can be the breadwinner and this is all a long con on his end.
Honestly, I think, he helped that condom fail. Hard for you to see those tiny pinholes in the dark.
His friends probably suggested that once you were pregnant that your “motherly” instincts would kick in and you’d change your mind.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and your sweet little girl.
Yep. Precisely where my brain went, too. I personally know a couple of people who actually did this to their wives. The same type. He'll always be useless. A single mum with a nanny is way better than a wife with two babies.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to see this because it's exactly what I thought when I was reading it! I agree with all those that say get a nanny& lose the man child.
NTA. You didn't overreact, he needs a wake up call. You only gave him something so enormous and major (his own biological child), because he promised not to destroy your career and trap you as a mother. Now he's discovering that raising a child is non stop hard work, something you were aware of before you ever got pregnant.
Quite frankly, he only has two paths forward. Either he can be a stay at home dad and have all the support of a working spouse who comes home to share parenting, or you can divorce him and he can be a single father who gets child support. But he can't trick you into having his child and then claim it's too hard to be a father and so you have to give up your life and dreams in order to become a supporting character of his dreams.
Not only that, he wants OP to watch their daughter despite knowing how "how trapped, alone and overwhelmed" it is WHILE still working to make money from home. This is the classic case of toxic modern family structure where the wife has to provide both financial, home, and child cares.
How on earth is a neurologist going to work from home?? All medical fields and neurology especially - half the kids now are neurodiverse - are updating at lightening speed, and I can’t imagine being able to keep up outside of active practice. I can’t imagine being tethered to a man this unreliable. He is a monumental AH
And what a spoiled brat dick he is for taking a brilliant, ambitious, and accomplished spouse for granted, too. How pathetically insecure.
He should WANT her to go back to work, given how she SAVES LIVES for a fuckin’ living.
God, what a baby. This honestly sounds like one of those cases where if she can find a nanny she trusts (and I do get those hesitations and would vet the hell out of anyone), a divorce would make her life much better and ultimately easier. She’d only be doting on and tending to one child.
Thank you for pointing out this woman's positive characteristics that she had to cultivate in herself. It takes a particular kind of person to go from community college to med school, not everyone can do that. It's a very daunting task. For her husband to minimize that through his actions is cowardly. She seems like a force to be reckoned with, and I hope she sees that in herself and treats herself with the respect she deserves.
For insurance, pharma, or consulting. Everything that requires you to sell your soul.
I'm in pharma and they regularly hire doctors to design clinical trials. My SO is in medicine and only radiology has the most reliable path to WFH while still staying within medicine.
OP's husband basically gave her an impossible task of finding a WFH doctor position.
It is theoretically possible that the condom did break (far from likely, but it is _possible_), but him trying to get OP to stay at home is what makes him TA for me. Because he has known all along that that’s not what OP wanted to do. If he had come from it as a “I don’t think I can deal with staying at home, but I looked at the budget and we can afford X amount for a nanny” angle then it might be N A H territory. But the condom “breaking” in addition to him trying to get her to be the stay at home mom definitely makes him TA. NTA OP
I was wondering if I was the only one who found the condom breakage “conveniently timed”!
He just happens to get the baby itch because his bestie got one. He just had to pester OP for one too. (As if it was a gd puppy and not a new human and a lifelong commitment! 🤬)
She “accidentally” ends up pregnant, he agrees with her to a plan where she doesn’t abort and then voila, 1 weekend alone with a 9wk old and he’s tossing in the towel. Now he’s trying to tell someone who busted her ass for over a decade on her education/career to just give it all up and do what he allegedly couldn’t handle.
It’s madness. If I were OP I would have lost it as well. I’m sure most people would given their specific circumstances and previous agreement.
He’ll be lucky if she doesn’t find a great nanny and just divorce him.
She was, but unfortunately she may not have a choice. He is backing out of every promise/agreement he made. If he dumps his responsibility as he demands here, and she will be left with the option of giving up her job or getting some kind of child care.
It's really funny (NOT) how so many men just expect their wives to do exactly that: be the supporting character while they are the star. Too many men see the women in their lives as NPCs.
Men value their time and effort above that of all the women in their lives. They expect to not have to do anything they don't want to with their time, they can shove that off on the wife.
I want to cut him some slack just because it was his first weekend alone with the baby. Dude got overwhelmed and asked his wife for help.
Then I remember the bit about the condom accidentally breaking. Anyone else wondering if that's really a coincidence???
And that he expects her to light her career on fire so he can avoid learning how to step up and take care of his kid.
Not asking her for more time as a team so he can learn better. Telling her he can't do it and it's her problem now.
But he didn't ask for help. He didn't suggest anything that would have given him regular breaks and assistance while allowing her to keep her career. He went straight to "I hate doing this so much that I want it to be YOUR life 24/7, not mine." He's a complete and utter AH, the worst I've ever seen.
True!!! I completely missed that, but yeah. O.P. made it clear that being a stay at home Mom isn't an option, he didn't even consider any option other than the one red line she drew
but he didn't ask her for help , he said I can't do this, extend her maternity leave and he is going to try and get his job back and she should stay home
Reddit has ruined me.
>Then I remember the bit about the condom accidentally breaking.
I read that part of the post and my brain IMMEDIATELY was like 'baby trap'
NTA - You expressed boundaries and rules and he’s crossed them. Stick to it your boundaries. If he’s unwilling, consider how important that boundary is to you and how far you’re willing to enforce it.
A child isn’t something one can be so flippant over and “I changed my mind” is unacceptable if he is the one that pushed for it in the first place.
Also economically it makes no sense.
Yeah, I was going to go with N A H until he suggested OP should quit her job.
Look, there’s no way to really anticipate how or whether you want to be a stay at home parent until it happens and you are in the middle of it. I know lawyers who quit the practice to be with their babies 24/7. I know wannabe trad mommies who wanted to jump out of their skin 2 weeks into newborn duties.
OP’s husband has all my sympathy for going into this certain he’d be a happy SAHD, trying it and then realizing he felt
>trapped, alone and overwhelmed
But… why would he want that for OP?
The obvious solution is getting a nanny or an au pair, especially given they can afford it. Suggesting OP quit her job to be SAH is a complete butt move.
NTA
this is it exactly! he felt it was absolutely terrible being home alone with the baby, but now he wants her to do it? that's what doesn't make sense to me.
Not just for her to do what he hated, but also work from home while doing so!
It was his first weekend, it’s a culture shock for sure and it takes time to get to grips with parenthood, I wouldn’t have expected him to have it handled on his first outing solo. But to immediately bottle it, and suggest his wife do it instead while he gets to go back to work, instead of saying ‘maybe you could stay and help me a little longer so I can get to grips with this’ - he’s an AH.
Because obviously having babies is just what us women do so we’ve got it built in and we don’t feel trapped, overwhelmed and alone when left with a newborn for the first time, right? /s
He’s a parent now. Time to step up and act like one.
People need to stop having kids 'as long as *partner* does most of the work'. In the long run, you can't plan for that. I see too many Reddit posts like this.
You also shouldn't have to be talked into having a child. You either want one or you don't. It's not explicitly stated but, it sounds like OP didn't want a bio kid and only had one for her husband. What was OP planning to do if her husband got severely sick, injured, or died before their daughter could go to preschool? None of this is smart.
She may get stuck with alimony regardless, she was making 3x his salary before he left his job to care for their child.
If they had divorced before the child was in the picture he probably had grounds for requesting some amount of alimony. In the current situation he will likely get more.
The kid is only 9 weeks old. Odds are that little amount of time out of work won’t count for much when/if determining alimony. 9 weeks out of a job isn’t enough to claim his career was damaged by being out of work to care for the child
Plus she is on maternity leave so him saying he was full time caring for the baby is moot
NTA but, OP, I would consider the red flags here. He wanted a child and you unexpectedly got pregnant. Now he wants to go back to work and the deal unexpectedly changed. Plus, why he felt alone and overwhelmed when he stayed home but seems no concerned for you to stay home and surely feel the same?
Two days. He was alone for two days and had a complete breakdown. The baby is 9 weeks old. They pretty much eat, poop, and sleep at that age. My husband used to put the baby in the kangaroo carrier and play video games while the baby slept on his chest. Also, anyone else get the feeling he's done nothing over the past 9 weeks to help with the baby, which is why the one weekend was Sooooooooo overwhelming!!
Edit: Yes, I'm being very glib and making generalizations about what a 9 week old is like. I still maintain he could have figured out something for 48 hours and the whole "but my friends are having babies!" to the "condom broke" to the promises about him staying home with the baby (especially with him knowing about OPs trauma) really makes him look suspiciously like an asshole. He either bit off more than he's willing to chew or he never had any intention of living up to his side of the bargain.
It's definitely tiring being a new parent because sleep is scarce, but yeah, she's 9 weeks old and 2 days alone did him in? Wtf has he been doing to help???
i loved my 9 week old. there was some soothing here and there and you never got continuous sleep, but i beat zelda and cyberpunk 2077. baby mostly slept in the baby bjorn while i gamed (wireless headphones are key!). (my location gave each parent 3 months of paid leave)
shit only gets real when they are a toddler.
How easy it is or isn’t depends on the baby. One of my babies was colicky enough to break anyone’s sanity, the other was chill.
If it was a chill baby, I think you’re right that he must have not done any substantially long baby-care shifts leading up to that weekend because even with a chill baby, having to be on just low-key alert listening/watching for their needs 24/7 takes a whole different level of grit that he apparently was not at all prepared for.
So my question is, if he felt so isolated, why didn't he call those friends of his with kids who were the whole reason he pushed for a baby and ask them to come hang out for a few hours? I just can't get past the fact he freaked out so much after 48 hours his wife had to approach him to find out what was wrong.
I work in early childhood. I’ve spent years in the infant room. It’s really not that hard, care wise. I get feeling isolated but it’s really not too bad for me at least.
I was a sahm and I totally get the feeling of isolation that you can experience, but this was two days. If six months in he said that he was really struggling and needed help with xyz, I would totally be on his side. A weekend? Not so much.
And is he unable to ask a friend to come over and spend time with him? Or take the baby on a walk? Or take the baby to a brewery or cafe for some human interaction…the possibilities are endless.
It’s obvious he just doesn’t want to do it.
Yep, walks are my go to whenever our son is fussy. Unfortunately it’s hot as balls right now so early and late are our only options. My first son LOVED Target. I used to just drive him up there, put him in the cart and walk around for a couple of hours. The staff knew what I was doing so no one ever harassed me about it.
My wife and I have found that the key to babies is straight trial and error to see what entertains them for an hour or so. A baby that young doesn’t really need to be awake for longer than an hourish. I bet the dad in this story didn’t follow a schedule and overstimulated the baby, which can make things infinitely harder to deal with. A screaming baby can be rough, which is why it’s so important to follow a schedule.
Ok I was looking for this. He seems to be thinking only about what he wants and what experience he is having. Not OP’s experience. Not their daughter’s. That would make me very uneasy.
Also, he’s a lunatic if he thinks his daughter will be better off being raised on his salary than her badass mom’s salary.
Right? The condom breaking on its own is one thing.
But the condom breaks right after he pressures op to have a kid.
Then he talks op out of an abortion.
Then he gets so overwhelmed from 2 days with the baby that he wants to go back on an agreement. Not "omg I'm overwhelmed. I need an evening or morning to myself" which would be reasonable.
Because in the minds of these Neanderthals the woman is SUPPOSED to be trapped at home with the baby 27/7 with no outside interests while the superior male can "live his life".
>Because in the minds of these Neanderthals the woman is SUPPOSED to be trapped at home with the baby 27/7 with no outside interests while the superior male can "live his life".
Yep, and we are supposed to be completely happy at all times for the "blessing" of being trapped at home as well. The home, and keeping of it, is expected to be our only source of joy and satisfaction.
Yep, whether it’s explicit or just subconscious that is 100% what they believe. That the woman’s “place” is at home, taking care of the “women things” like the house and raising the kids, and that as the man he has the right to go out and do whatever the hell he wants
Two days it took him to collapse and give up. What other life and marital difficulties is he going to fail his way out of? Would you trust him to be faithful if you got breast cancer? "Oh, that's different." Really?
I mean. She’s a goddamn neurologist. He has zero respect. What did she say, he’s in marketing? MARKETING vs neurology. What a fucking clown.
His would be a dealbreaker for me because he just showed how little he respects your career and how hard you’ve worked to get where you are. And also has little respect for what you said you did and didn’t want in the first place. He didn’t even care. But the killer bit is the utter lack of integrity to go back on his word after only two days. How can you ever trust him to do what he says he will? How can your child trust dad to keep his word? That’s such a deep-seated character we flaw I don’t know how you therapy out of that.
NTA. Don’t give up your career. But if he can’t cut it you might want to look into a nanny and include nanny cams if you’re worried about safety. This would probably get me thinking about divorce to be honest.
HE can look into a nanny, do the legwork and come up with a plan. They can interview together. You can bet if the roles were reversed OP would do everything and hubby would give the final yes/no.
HE has allllll the time right now and can damn well pick up the mental load. That’s what infuriates me most about him. I get not wanting to be a sahp. It is not for everyone. But he is abdicating all responsibility for figuring out a viable alternative/solution and wanting OP to just do it. He needs to.
I wouldn't trust a man who had the "condom break" to find a nanny. Do you not know anything about men?
If I were the OP, I'd find a nanny that ***I*** wanted because, in the back of my mind, his ass is already on borrowed time as being in the home and as my husband.
I knew a family with another selfish husband. He wanted to be polyamorous so they were. She had only a few boundaries. One was, don't sleep with the nanny. Second was always use condoms.... And of course.
As a dude, you can immediately feel a broken condom. I'm not sure he can be trusted with a feral kitten that lives in the gutter across the street. And he really wanted a baby he can't seem to care for? I would bet money that condom was sabatoged or willfully busted through so he could get OP preggers. She should have aborted because now she has a child with another child that's actually fully grown but couldn't comprehend parenthood and what being a stay at home parent actually means.
I wouldn't trust him with crackers in a bed, let alone a full human being I just gave birth to or to find proper care for her. He seriously didn't last one fucking work conference after making a long term commitment. Absolute loser.
> get me thinking about divorce to be honest.
what would make me think about divorce was that mysteriously broken condom right after he expressed a desire to have a kid. bet he did that shit on purpose betting that she would cave and stay home with the baby.
>He absolutely broke down and said he doesn’t think he can do this. He expressed how trapped, alone and overwhelmed he felt all weekend. He now wants me to extend my maternity leave and is talking about trying to get his job back
Basically he's freaking about the thing (a) he agreed to, (b) he promised to take care of, and (c) he pressured you into, and now he wants that thing to happen to you instead of him.
Fuck him. What you said was harsh, but I don't know many people who would have had an easy time staying calm after being confronted with that. I probably would have said something mean too.
He needs to put on his big boy pants and figure out how he is going to take care of the situation he created. Some of the feelings he's expressing are valid - it legitimately is isolating being a SAHP - but there are ways to deal with that that don't involve making you the SAHP he promised to be. He needs to work on addressing the isolation by addressing the isolation, not by getting out of being a parent by dumping it on you. NTA
C is the one that bothers me the most. He feels trapped, alone and overwhelmed at home with the baby but has no qualms about her having the same experience.
It was also one day! This is why stay at home parents get together for playtime or going to events at the library and whatnot. Did they meet other parents in their birthing classes? Reach out to a couple and ask how they are doing?
He’s going to realize there is a lot more going in as soon as he is the one tackling a lot more things around the house like meal planning and laundry. Right now everything was probably in a good state because there were two at home.
She won't always be a newborn. He may like the next stage better. He sounds like a huge baby! He has to honor his commitment or there's no hope for this marriage!
Yes! Newborns are hard, infants are hard, but kids grow fast. It’s like people say about the weather in some places - if you don’t like it, just wait.
I was a nanny for 6y and during that time, my first nanny family went from one kiddo to two. Taking care of a newborn is SO DAMN MUCH, but for me and with that baby, the first 3mo were the hardest and after that it was (for me, on most days, as someone who got to go home at the end of the day) entirely manageable.
Dude needs to get some resources, apply the fuck out of them, and then white-knuckle his way to better days
Exactly. Plus, it's not like he's being forced to be a SAHD for the rest of time. It's just until their kid is old enough to be verbal, which is a few years. He asked for this situation and he needs to be an adult and handle it for a couple years.
It’s like the people who beg and plead and guilt their partner into getting a puppy and then whine and complain about how much work it is to take care of one. Only difference is that you can’t give a kid away if you don’t like having one!
It is super hard to be home with babies and little kids. We women have been doing it for a LONG time. He needs to do what stay at home moms do everyday. Find support, meet up groups, etc. Also, I know your experience was terrible, but there are good day care providers out there. Even if he had someone come into your home for some portion of the day while he was still present. This would give him somewhat of a break, still be supervised, etc. The option for you to just stay at home isn’t in the cards. He needs to man up.
This is what stood out to me. He suddenly thought it would be hard and she should do it? No shit it's hard, but it'll be hard for OP as well, but his needs take priority apparently.
There are parent groups, play groups, reading time at libraries and a heap of other activities around to help with the feelings of isolation being a SAHP because it IS isolating! He needs to research and put his money where his mouth is.
Possibly consider a form of BC for you as well, because it may have been an accident but it was convenient that the condom broke just after he was starting to pressure you. You don't want a 2nd accident.
I didn’t even read past the *BROKEN CONDOM* story. OP, you can’t truly believe that he didn’t poke holes in his condoms regularly until his PLAN worked. He talked you out of an abortion. Every single piece adds up to him baby trapping you.
He’s a dishonest POS!
SAME! I thought this exact thing!
It's pretty obvious and now just a couple days alone he wants her to give it up. I wouldn't be surprised if that was part of the plan too
Without excusing his other behavior, this part makes sense to me. I’m not ever likely to have a kid, adopted or bio, and wanting one kicks in more sharply when someone close to me has a new baby.
I think you’re responsible for how you handle those wants, but I don’t think anything is ethically wrong with feeling those pangs.
NTA. The condom didn’t break, he broke it. He was never ok with adopting. It surprises me that he went so far as to quit his job, honestly I was expecting him to go back on his word at nine months pregnant.
Who insist on having a child, accepts being the stay at home parent then gives up after one weekend alone?
You can’t trust him, sure as hell you can’t give up your career and financial security for him.
Find a nanny if you can afford it. Wait until he has a job then file for divorce. If you can’t trust your partner there’s no way to savage a relationship.
> he began to really press me on having children...
> ...unexpectedly pregnant due to a condom breaking
This was my first thought when I got here too. So suspicious
What do you want to bet he didn’t quit his job. He asked for extended FMLA to stay home with the baby. He’s not asking for his job back…he never gave it up.
I agree with all of this.
BIG FAFO here, by the husband.
"You can trust him,"
Think you have a typo there, but you got it right at the bottom.
u/Obvious-Mistake-7801 - sadly, your husband seems *quite* untrustworthy.
Hope there is someone else close by that can offer you better support.
Best of luck!
No, he wants OP to continue working from home to make money! He wants OP to make money AND take care of the kid while knowing full well "how trapped, alone and overhelmed" it is.
That’s true. This type of man would think trad wife = having a full time job so she’s not a “leech” while also somehow doing easily 95% of the housework and childcare.
It’s just crazy- why did he go after OP in the first place? It’s like he specifically gets a kick out of trying to take away OP’s amazing career vs choosing a woman who doesn’t want one. It’s his control fantasy to force a Neurologist back into the kitchen.
Because some men don’t view women as people who’s thoughts and desires are valid and probably figured once a baby was in the picture she’d put down her silly career and be the mom she was meant to be.
Totally valid.
I apologize.
He is an unworthy bag of limp dicks, shaped like a grown man, who can't even parent for one week but *squeeky-voice* really-really wanted to be dad!!! A dad for the good stuff! Not the hard shit and the exhaustion. No, a fun dad with a decent 8h sleep every night and some goodnatured advice for the shadow of a woman who shoulders the 99,9% of mental load and childcare (and chores, lets be honest)
Dude probably realized how much responsibility and care a newborn requires, and he isn't capable of it. There are fathers, and there are people who think they can be fathers.
NTA. Maybe one of your folks can help with the baby until you can figure out what to do?
If I transitioned to a WFH role I would likely have to give up caring for patients as a neurologist. I’d probably end up doing consulting work for a health insurance company. Sounds soul sucking, I know.
I’m still stuck on the fact that he doesn’t just want OP to do what he did on the weekend full time. He wants her to do it with a job on top of it.
So he did it for two days, alone without any other responsibilities, instead of realizing that parenting is hard and that it has a steep learning curve, he decided he doesn’t want to do it. Essentially he tried it out on easy mode (fully sponsored, without financial burden), turned around and said “nah, you do it, but on hard”. Because it’s not OP please extend maternity leave and I’ll support us. It’s OP continue to support us and take care of our child. He’s basically saying have two full time intense jobs at the same time, instead of one.
If he can't handle 2 days of basic, standard, done by billions of people around the world every single day, parenting - then he's an abject failure. Kids are hard, but not THAT hard. Jeeze. Rather than make you shoulder the burden he needs to learn that parenting is work, and work HE needs to do since he wanted this and you doing it is net worse for your entire family financially than him doing it. Don't let his weaponized incompetence sway you.
I mean setting aside for a minute whether or not a particular career can be done remotely… no job can be done remotely while also taking care of a baby. OP is 100% NTA but the expectation that she still work as a physician AND take care of the kid full time is straight delusional thinking from the husband.
You didn’t overreact at all, he lied to you so he could have what he wanted and now he’s expecting you to make all the sacrifices for the child he pressured you to have. I’d have lost my shit, too. Definitely opt for a daycare or nanny or any other option over losing your career because of him. I hope your relationship can survive his selfishness, if you still want one with him.
Can you get a nanny?
This would totally work my husband worked from home but we also had a nanny so he can visit our daughter a lot during the day but he was also Child free for working. I of course went to the office every day. Our Nanny was wonderful. You just have to know exactly what you're looking for and screen for that.
It's also worth noting that OP (at least seems) to be in a fair position to hire an above-average nanny. So rather than hiring some teenager or college student that's just trying to make an extra buck with a glorified babysitting gig on the days they're otherwise free, they could get an educated/certified professional who's own career/livelihood would be entirely on the line were something to go wrong. And maybe financially speaking, paying for such a good nanny just so that the dad can go back to work ends up being a wash. But it'd let both of them go back to work like they want and keep their kid cared for.
I was an above average nanny. This is a great solution. My charges got very little TV, lots of trips to parks, libraries, events, living history museums, we did lots of art, music, stories, and mostly someone who talked to them, answered their questions with real answers. An enriching environment is critical to intellectual growth and adults who are emotionally dependable are critical to emotional growth. Find a nanny who understands this and sings songs and brings treats.
Oh fine. You're hired. I don't even have any kids but I know talent when I see it.
Damn. I'm a grown ass adult without kids, but I was going to hire her. I want someone to take me on trips to parks, libraries, museums, etc.
Hahahaha! Me, too!
Me too. Do nannies for adults exist??
It's called assisted living.
There are PA'S, aka Personal Assitants. You live in your home and they come help you with whatever you need. I'm going to get one as soon as I find a place to live because I can no longer stand and cook or vacuum or, yuck, do dishes.
Me! Me! I volunteer as tribute! (When my husband and I were first dating, we were long distance. The first time he came to visit, I asked what he wanted to do. His response: "I just want to walk around and have you tell me stories.")
I'd tell you to marry that man but you already did
agreed and follow up question.. what kind of treats will be provided?
NTA. You honored the agreement. He did not. Plus, the commitment of taking care and raising your baby until she’s able to speak is a serious commitment. He’s comfortably thinking to go back to his job and he dares to propose you to leave your practice 😤 Alternatives? Nanny or paying a relative who would be willing to take care of her I can’t stand men-chicken 😤🐥
Also, the above average nanny you’re replying to is definitely not the Asshole here. There’s about to be a bidding war between adults with no kids.
I AM ROLLING WITH THESE COMMENTS, HOW THIS WHOLE AITAH, CHANGED NOW🤣 ARE WE ALL THE ASSHOLES BECAUSE WE ALL WANT THIS GREAT NANNY, EVEN THOU WE HAVE NO KIDS😂🤣 THIS IS TOO FUNNY
Nanny says: inside voices please darling
You know, this is actually a great idea, a person who shows up at your house once a week and just takes you somewhere interesting. I'd pay for that
Mary Poppins-esque nanny right there.
And never smells of barley water!
With the husband working in marketing I'm sure he could find a remote position and they could still hire a nanny to care for their child while they are working, and Dad could be home so that he can alleviate the fear of any abuse/neglect.
I wouldn't be surprised if the husband didn't take OP seriously when she stated that she didn't want to bear children and he had no intention of keeping his agreement. A live in nanny is a good option. Pay careful attention to how your husband reacts to the idea of a nanny as well as how he perceives every potential and or actual nanny. If he has a problem with all of them that might mean that his plan all along was to convince you to be a SAHM and be financially dependent on him.
And there are ways to find properly vetted nannies with background checks and who are skilled and licensed in childcare necessities (nutrition, medical training etc.) There are also nannies who specialize in childhood development and education, who can give your child a great start in life! If you can live comfortably without his salary at all, you’ll have a lot of options for a GREAT nanny. EDITED TO ADD: Husband should go back to work anyway. Your nanny doesn’t need to watch over two children.
Or a proper nanny service. So if their regular calls in sick, they send a backup.
I'm a working single mom. I get a sitter 2 afternoon/evenings per week so I can either work later or take a yoga class. It ends up being a wash financially, but it's completely worth it!
Plus they can have cameras throughout the house and monitor the nanny.
Also, this way, they could set up cameras in their home to keep an eye on how it's going. Since OP was worried about potential abuse.
This sounds like the perfect solution! Husband works from home while a trusted nanny takes care of the baby. I would also recommend weekly or twice-weekly maid visits. OP isn't poor anymore! I'm poor, but have been friends with wealthy people who did the maid thing. Ideally, husband will be in charge of hiring and maintaining the relationship. Payment should be prorated -- like, if you make four times as much as he does, he pays 20 percent and you pay 80 percent. AND DON'T CHEAP OUT! Nanny or night nurse should make a living wage and be able to take care of their kids, maybe with a yearly vacation on the side. Mothering is really, really hard, whether it's a mother, father or caretaker who does it. @ u/Obvious-Mistake-7801
Exactly though I can understand OP not wanting daycare until her child is verbal. How would the child tell anyone if they're being abused or hurt? However, I absolutely agree that he's trying to trap her.
NTA. Nanny is GREAT IDEA. If he insists on op staying at home, he can just fk right off. Hes not trustworthy. Youd think he’d gain some empathy after failing at sahd. Kinda feel sorry for the kid. At some point, she gonna figure this out
no no, you don't understand. *her* staying home doesn't have any impact on *him*, so it's fine! /s
I can't do it, because I felt trapped, alone and overwhelmed, but you can just work from home and do it as well, right?
Anyone who has tried working at home and caring for an infant knows you can’t work more than a few hours a day and the baby gets to decide those hours. I vote nanny, plus, as others have suggested, a house cleaner at least weekly—or an hour a day.
He literally had ONE weekend of what almost every woman goes through for years, and he "can't handle it". 🤣 "man-chicken". 🤣
I think he just had a taste of mommy-hood life, and refuses to participate in any way. If they go nanny, he will welch on everything work-wise, and just stay home or roam. Source: My ex-father. The most weaponized helpless asshole in the world. The kind of man who will ensure our species goes extinct.
This is absolutely the right answer. I'm a stray at home Dad and I understand the husbands point, but this was the agreement. I hit a wall from time to time and I break down. But nanny is just a slippery slope to daycare.
Get a nanny & dump the husband.
Get a ball buster abuela and she can kick the big cry baby to the curb for OP
Yes!!!!!!! And the abuela should use the chancla on the big crybaby.
Reading “chancla” makes me immediately hear the sound of one being slapped into a hand on the way to an attitude adjustment
Oooh. You got the hand? I thought back of the head was standard!
Well, no. It was the “test” of the slipper and warning sound. Like “yep, this still works, I’m going to give them a good one”. Like clicking tongs together when you pick them up if you will. Lol
Damn you beat me to it. I was going to say it's like cracking a whip, swooshin' a switch, clacking some tongs. You gotta test those things to make sure they got enough juice left in them to do their job. How you gonna flip meat if you are down to 2 clickty-clacks left before you fire up the grill? How you gonna slap the shit out the back of someone's head if you don't got enough *Thwack* in the chancla?
The hand was the landing spot of rulers weaponized by nuns.
Or the pointy end of feather dusters… nothing quite like the sound of it whipping down through the air 😖
At least you got that warning. Hell, my mom's slippah would come flying at me if I even remotely thought about doing something out of line.
My proudest Reddit moment was when someone gave me the chancla award for taking some idiot to task and ripping him a new one.
We don't want the man murdered, merely shown his place.
Don't tell OPs X that you always run with one hand over your head and the other over el pompis
The chancla solves EVERYTHING.
With her brains and Abuela's chancla skills, this kid will be unstoppable when it gets older!
Extra points if she has a nice mustache. She'll fuck him up good AND probably make great tamales.
And teaching the baby Spanish, so she's bilingual from birth
Not an abuela, but i volunteer
Your name alone strikes fear!! I nominate @ModernSwampWitch!
I’ll volunteer for that!
(Puts QuietLifter on the payroll)
I was a stay at home dad. Her husband really is a poor snowflake. It was the best time of my life.
Both of my parents have always worked full-time, but my dad was unemployed for a bit when I was a baby/toddler and he says it was one of the most special times of his life. We had a blast together.
Everybody's different, and I'm not going to blame somebody for being like "I thought I could do this but actually it's so much harder than I thought!" especially when the baby is only 9 weeks old and their partner was just away at a conference all weekend. I know several women who found the weeks after their husband went back to work very hard, and I don't know any women who were left alone with the baby for a full weekend when they were only 9 weeks old. HOWEVER, I will totally blame somebody who convinces their high-achieving wife to carry and give birth to a baby by saying he'll stay home and be the active parent who then turns around and says he felt "trapped" with the baby and that instead of him being trapped, she should be the one who feels trapped. Maybe he didn't intend to baby-trap her, but that's what he's trying to do now by making her give up her career so that he can be the stereotypical dad who comes home to a barefoot wife with a child he's not doing what he promised to do. I'm not saying OP should immediately divorce him, because I think potentially the new baby can make everything scarier and harder, but she should not entertain any of his nonsense about this. Maybe she doesn't need to go away for a full weekend often, if it can be helped, but she should be allowed to go to work every day, like she said she would be doing.
It’s just annoying to hear that he’s complaining when he put her in that position in the first place. I think it’s ironic that men look at women as “emotional” and “weak” when they EXPECT us to carry their baby for 9 months, give birth, then stay home and take care of the baby. I also like to say that fathers watching their own children when the mother is away is called “parenting” and not “babysitting”. Even if she wasn’t working full time he should still be able to take care of his own kid on his own from time to time. Like what if she was home with the baby and SHE needed a break?
Too bad his friend didn’t just get a new truck or something instead of having a baby.
I would not trade anything with my time other than trying to get my son off mashing the red button when we were playing Pokémon stadium. He didn't get there were other buttons until later in life. Ironically he best me about 50% of the time
Same, i did the Stay at home dad thing to a baby girl for 4 month after I got out of the Army. Best job EVER! Got up made breakfast for everyone, started the laundry, put dinner in the crockpot or Sous vide. Played with my daughter while folding clothes and listening to music. Made lunch, put baby down for nap, get my workout in, then more games, and playing while I finished up dinner.... I was so sad when I had to give it up to go back to work.
My kids aren’t little anymore, but I’d love to have you over!
I am so jealous of him. He gets to stay home all day playing with his kid while his badass wife saves peoples lives for a living and is payed a ton to do it, and hes unhappy? What a fucking loser.
Exactly.
This is the way OP. He is one of those immature a- holes that wanted to have a child in the same way as a little child wants a puppy: ignoring all consequences and not liking the consequences afterwards. And now he tries to force someone else to take care of it. Get a nanny, dump the husband and give him 50/50, this is the only possibility he would ever take care of Your daughter. Otherwise You will become a very miserable sahm and he the absent father, Your marriage is already doomed and it's all because of him. NTA
This is what I always say. Men who pester their wives for babies without having a proper rational discussion and planning basically consider it akin to a kid having a pet. Play all day and return it to mommy at night. He thought it'd be the same with the kid Now he can't imagine that he has to be a grown up and keep his word
I don't think they need a discussion. They need a week with a toddler to be healed. There are men that really like being with their children. There are others that wanted one because it is something people need to have it all: like a house and two cars and holidays and it's not the same.
I'm calling the "accidental" condom malfunction maybe not so accidental.
How convenient that the minute OP is set to return to work he can't handle it and wants her to work from home (as a doctor???) Now she has to choose between making sure her kid is cared for and her career, what a bastard. Sounds more like hes trying to get her to quit working altogether so he can be the breadwinner and this is all a long con on his end.
Honestly, I think, he helped that condom fail. Hard for you to see those tiny pinholes in the dark. His friends probably suggested that once you were pregnant that your “motherly” instincts would kick in and you’d change your mind. I’m so sorry this happened to you and your sweet little girl.
Yep. Precisely where my brain went, too. I personally know a couple of people who actually did this to their wives. The same type. He'll always be useless. A single mum with a nanny is way better than a wife with two babies.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to see this because it's exactly what I thought when I was reading it! I agree with all those that say get a nanny& lose the man child.
I thought the same thing. I bet he tampered with it.
That was my suspicion too.
As a professional nanny this is the answer 🙏🏻
NTA. You didn't overreact, he needs a wake up call. You only gave him something so enormous and major (his own biological child), because he promised not to destroy your career and trap you as a mother. Now he's discovering that raising a child is non stop hard work, something you were aware of before you ever got pregnant. Quite frankly, he only has two paths forward. Either he can be a stay at home dad and have all the support of a working spouse who comes home to share parenting, or you can divorce him and he can be a single father who gets child support. But he can't trick you into having his child and then claim it's too hard to be a father and so you have to give up your life and dreams in order to become a supporting character of his dreams.
Not only that, he wants OP to watch their daughter despite knowing how "how trapped, alone and overwhelmed" it is WHILE still working to make money from home. This is the classic case of toxic modern family structure where the wife has to provide both financial, home, and child cares.
How on earth is a neurologist going to work from home?? All medical fields and neurology especially - half the kids now are neurodiverse - are updating at lightening speed, and I can’t imagine being able to keep up outside of active practice. I can’t imagine being tethered to a man this unreliable. He is a monumental AH
And what a spoiled brat dick he is for taking a brilliant, ambitious, and accomplished spouse for granted, too. How pathetically insecure. He should WANT her to go back to work, given how she SAVES LIVES for a fuckin’ living. God, what a baby. This honestly sounds like one of those cases where if she can find a nanny she trusts (and I do get those hesitations and would vet the hell out of anyone), a divorce would make her life much better and ultimately easier. She’d only be doting on and tending to one child.
He was only on his own for a couple days lol
I have to admit-- I laughed at that. I hope he just had a panic attack. One child CAN be rough, but it's hot like he has twins, or several children.
Thank you for pointing out this woman's positive characteristics that she had to cultivate in herself. It takes a particular kind of person to go from community college to med school, not everyone can do that. It's a very daunting task. For her husband to minimize that through his actions is cowardly. She seems like a force to be reckoned with, and I hope she sees that in herself and treats herself with the respect she deserves.
Yeah, that doesn’t make any sense. A neurologist cannot work from home
For insurance, pharma, or consulting. Everything that requires you to sell your soul. I'm in pharma and they regularly hire doctors to design clinical trials. My SO is in medicine and only radiology has the most reliable path to WFH while still staying within medicine. OP's husband basically gave her an impossible task of finding a WFH doctor position.
It is theoretically possible that the condom did break (far from likely, but it is _possible_), but him trying to get OP to stay at home is what makes him TA for me. Because he has known all along that that’s not what OP wanted to do. If he had come from it as a “I don’t think I can deal with staying at home, but I looked at the budget and we can afford X amount for a nanny” angle then it might be N A H territory. But the condom “breaking” in addition to him trying to get her to be the stay at home mom definitely makes him TA. NTA OP
I was wondering if I was the only one who found the condom breakage “conveniently timed”! He just happens to get the baby itch because his bestie got one. He just had to pester OP for one too. (As if it was a gd puppy and not a new human and a lifelong commitment! 🤬) She “accidentally” ends up pregnant, he agrees with her to a plan where she doesn’t abort and then voila, 1 weekend alone with a 9wk old and he’s tossing in the towel. Now he’s trying to tell someone who busted her ass for over a decade on her education/career to just give it all up and do what he allegedly couldn’t handle. It’s madness. If I were OP I would have lost it as well. I’m sure most people would given their specific circumstances and previous agreement. He’ll be lucky if she doesn’t find a great nanny and just divorce him.
Also she has to deal with all that 9 weeks postpaetum, lets not forget that.
Unless I misread, she’s been very clear that she isn’t open to any childcare until their daughter is old enough to talk.
She was, but unfortunately she may not have a choice. He is backing out of every promise/agreement he made. If he dumps his responsibility as he demands here, and she will be left with the option of giving up her job or getting some kind of child care.
It's really funny (NOT) how so many men just expect their wives to do exactly that: be the supporting character while they are the star. Too many men see the women in their lives as NPCs.
Men value their time and effort above that of all the women in their lives. They expect to not have to do anything they don't want to with their time, they can shove that off on the wife.
I loved my stint of being a house husband. But I much prefer to be the supporting character.
I want to cut him some slack just because it was his first weekend alone with the baby. Dude got overwhelmed and asked his wife for help. Then I remember the bit about the condom accidentally breaking. Anyone else wondering if that's really a coincidence???
And that he expects her to light her career on fire so he can avoid learning how to step up and take care of his kid. Not asking her for more time as a team so he can learn better. Telling her he can't do it and it's her problem now.
But he didn't ask for help. He didn't suggest anything that would have given him regular breaks and assistance while allowing her to keep her career. He went straight to "I hate doing this so much that I want it to be YOUR life 24/7, not mine." He's a complete and utter AH, the worst I've ever seen.
True!!! I completely missed that, but yeah. O.P. made it clear that being a stay at home Mom isn't an option, he didn't even consider any option other than the one red line she drew
but he didn't ask her for help , he said I can't do this, extend her maternity leave and he is going to try and get his job back and she should stay home
Reddit has ruined me. >Then I remember the bit about the condom accidentally breaking. I read that part of the post and my brain IMMEDIATELY was like 'baby trap'
Yeah... What convenient timing right 😬
NTA - You expressed boundaries and rules and he’s crossed them. Stick to it your boundaries. If he’s unwilling, consider how important that boundary is to you and how far you’re willing to enforce it. A child isn’t something one can be so flippant over and “I changed my mind” is unacceptable if he is the one that pushed for it in the first place. Also economically it makes no sense.
Yeah, I was going to go with N A H until he suggested OP should quit her job. Look, there’s no way to really anticipate how or whether you want to be a stay at home parent until it happens and you are in the middle of it. I know lawyers who quit the practice to be with their babies 24/7. I know wannabe trad mommies who wanted to jump out of their skin 2 weeks into newborn duties. OP’s husband has all my sympathy for going into this certain he’d be a happy SAHD, trying it and then realizing he felt >trapped, alone and overwhelmed But… why would he want that for OP? The obvious solution is getting a nanny or an au pair, especially given they can afford it. Suggesting OP quit her job to be SAH is a complete butt move. NTA
this is it exactly! he felt it was absolutely terrible being home alone with the baby, but now he wants her to do it? that's what doesn't make sense to me.
Not just for her to do what he hated, but also work from home while doing so! It was his first weekend, it’s a culture shock for sure and it takes time to get to grips with parenthood, I wouldn’t have expected him to have it handled on his first outing solo. But to immediately bottle it, and suggest his wife do it instead while he gets to go back to work, instead of saying ‘maybe you could stay and help me a little longer so I can get to grips with this’ - he’s an AH. Because obviously having babies is just what us women do so we’ve got it built in and we don’t feel trapped, overwhelmed and alone when left with a newborn for the first time, right? /s He’s a parent now. Time to step up and act like one.
I would go so far as to say that this is a classic case of "Once the baby comes, she'll probably change her mind and stay home."
Add to that a “broken” condom that magically created the bio child path.
Yeah thats extremely sus
People need to stop having kids 'as long as *partner* does most of the work'. In the long run, you can't plan for that. I see too many Reddit posts like this. You also shouldn't have to be talked into having a child. You either want one or you don't. It's not explicitly stated but, it sounds like OP didn't want a bio kid and only had one for her husband. What was OP planning to do if her husband got severely sick, injured, or died before their daughter could go to preschool? None of this is smart.
I mean she should divorce him before, her child support and alimony obligations increase. Edit: typo
See this op. He's showing you who he is, believe him and leave him before you get stuck with alimony just because he went back on his word
She may get stuck with alimony regardless, she was making 3x his salary before he left his job to care for their child. If they had divorced before the child was in the picture he probably had grounds for requesting some amount of alimony. In the current situation he will likely get more.
The kid is only 9 weeks old. Odds are that little amount of time out of work won’t count for much when/if determining alimony. 9 weeks out of a job isn’t enough to claim his career was damaged by being out of work to care for the child Plus she is on maternity leave so him saying he was full time caring for the baby is moot
NTA but, OP, I would consider the red flags here. He wanted a child and you unexpectedly got pregnant. Now he wants to go back to work and the deal unexpectedly changed. Plus, why he felt alone and overwhelmed when he stayed home but seems no concerned for you to stay home and surely feel the same?
Two days. He was alone for two days and had a complete breakdown. The baby is 9 weeks old. They pretty much eat, poop, and sleep at that age. My husband used to put the baby in the kangaroo carrier and play video games while the baby slept on his chest. Also, anyone else get the feeling he's done nothing over the past 9 weeks to help with the baby, which is why the one weekend was Sooooooooo overwhelming!! Edit: Yes, I'm being very glib and making generalizations about what a 9 week old is like. I still maintain he could have figured out something for 48 hours and the whole "but my friends are having babies!" to the "condom broke" to the promises about him staying home with the baby (especially with him knowing about OPs trauma) really makes him look suspiciously like an asshole. He either bit off more than he's willing to chew or he never had any intention of living up to his side of the bargain.
100%. Knowing he's supposed to be a stay at home dad and he did absolutely no prep to be ready for 2 days alone? Dude is insane
Dude is *manipulative*.
I’m not necessarily buying the “condom just broke” story either.
My first thought as well! First he is pressing on having a baby and then a few months later OP is pregnant? The timing is so suspicious!
It's definitely tiring being a new parent because sleep is scarce, but yeah, she's 9 weeks old and 2 days alone did him in? Wtf has he been doing to help???
i loved my 9 week old. there was some soothing here and there and you never got continuous sleep, but i beat zelda and cyberpunk 2077. baby mostly slept in the baby bjorn while i gamed (wireless headphones are key!). (my location gave each parent 3 months of paid leave) shit only gets real when they are a toddler.
Yes, it's a whole new level when they can run away and throw tantrums
How easy it is or isn’t depends on the baby. One of my babies was colicky enough to break anyone’s sanity, the other was chill. If it was a chill baby, I think you’re right that he must have not done any substantially long baby-care shifts leading up to that weekend because even with a chill baby, having to be on just low-key alert listening/watching for their needs 24/7 takes a whole different level of grit that he apparently was not at all prepared for.
So my question is, if he felt so isolated, why didn't he call those friends of his with kids who were the whole reason he pushed for a baby and ask them to come hang out for a few hours? I just can't get past the fact he freaked out so much after 48 hours his wife had to approach him to find out what was wrong.
I work in early childhood. I’ve spent years in the infant room. It’s really not that hard, care wise. I get feeling isolated but it’s really not too bad for me at least.
I was a sahm and I totally get the feeling of isolation that you can experience, but this was two days. If six months in he said that he was really struggling and needed help with xyz, I would totally be on his side. A weekend? Not so much.
And is he unable to ask a friend to come over and spend time with him? Or take the baby on a walk? Or take the baby to a brewery or cafe for some human interaction…the possibilities are endless. It’s obvious he just doesn’t want to do it.
Yep, walks are my go to whenever our son is fussy. Unfortunately it’s hot as balls right now so early and late are our only options. My first son LOVED Target. I used to just drive him up there, put him in the cart and walk around for a couple of hours. The staff knew what I was doing so no one ever harassed me about it. My wife and I have found that the key to babies is straight trial and error to see what entertains them for an hour or so. A baby that young doesn’t really need to be awake for longer than an hourish. I bet the dad in this story didn’t follow a schedule and overstimulated the baby, which can make things infinitely harder to deal with. A screaming baby can be rough, which is why it’s so important to follow a schedule.
How convenient of the condom to break now 🤔🤔🤔
This!! Talk about marinara flags! 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Glad I'm not the only one that thought that was sus.
Ok I was looking for this. He seems to be thinking only about what he wants and what experience he is having. Not OP’s experience. Not their daughter’s. That would make me very uneasy. Also, he’s a lunatic if he thinks his daughter will be better off being raised on his salary than her badass mom’s salary.
he’s doing a shit job at being the big strong breadwinner too!
Shouldn't have skipped the plan B. It works better when they're planned and wanted. A few weeks old is easy. Wait till the molars are coming in.
And it was only one weekend! He needs to get a grip. Does he think he should never have to care for the baby alone again?
I'm not saying that condom breaking definitely wasn't an accident, but a guy who would sabotage a condom would do all the other things he's done too.
Right? The condom breaking on its own is one thing. But the condom breaks right after he pressures op to have a kid. Then he talks op out of an abortion. Then he gets so overwhelmed from 2 days with the baby that he wants to go back on an agreement. Not "omg I'm overwhelmed. I need an evening or morning to myself" which would be reasonable.
It makes me wonder if the condom really broke, or was it sabotaged?
Because in the minds of these Neanderthals the woman is SUPPOSED to be trapped at home with the baby 27/7 with no outside interests while the superior male can "live his life".
>Because in the minds of these Neanderthals the woman is SUPPOSED to be trapped at home with the baby 27/7 with no outside interests while the superior male can "live his life". Yep, and we are supposed to be completely happy at all times for the "blessing" of being trapped at home as well. The home, and keeping of it, is expected to be our only source of joy and satisfaction.
Because we wimmins are "wired that way" so we enjoy it and aren't stressed, alone or overwhelmed at all! /s
Yep, whether it’s explicit or just subconscious that is 100% what they believe. That the woman’s “place” is at home, taking care of the “women things” like the house and raising the kids, and that as the man he has the right to go out and do whatever the hell he wants
Two days it took him to collapse and give up. What other life and marital difficulties is he going to fail his way out of? Would you trust him to be faithful if you got breast cancer? "Oh, that's different." Really?
I mean. She’s a goddamn neurologist. He has zero respect. What did she say, he’s in marketing? MARKETING vs neurology. What a fucking clown. His would be a dealbreaker for me because he just showed how little he respects your career and how hard you’ve worked to get where you are. And also has little respect for what you said you did and didn’t want in the first place. He didn’t even care. But the killer bit is the utter lack of integrity to go back on his word after only two days. How can you ever trust him to do what he says he will? How can your child trust dad to keep his word? That’s such a deep-seated character we flaw I don’t know how you therapy out of that.
I just need to know you can be a neurologist from home. Like do your patients go to your home? The medical equipment? I am so confused
I'm sure he wants her to take a $12 an hour customer service job while he brings in a sweet $30k.
Hate to say it but this. No other explanation for him being ok with her having to suffer with it and not him
NTA. Don’t give up your career. But if he can’t cut it you might want to look into a nanny and include nanny cams if you’re worried about safety. This would probably get me thinking about divorce to be honest.
HE can look into a nanny, do the legwork and come up with a plan. They can interview together. You can bet if the roles were reversed OP would do everything and hubby would give the final yes/no. HE has allllll the time right now and can damn well pick up the mental load. That’s what infuriates me most about him. I get not wanting to be a sahp. It is not for everyone. But he is abdicating all responsibility for figuring out a viable alternative/solution and wanting OP to just do it. He needs to.
He won't do it properly. Weaponized incompetence.
> Weaponized incompetence. he's already doing this
Yep, I worry he will just pick whoever he can so he can avoid fulfilling the promise he made.
I wouldn't trust a man who had the "condom break" to find a nanny. Do you not know anything about men? If I were the OP, I'd find a nanny that ***I*** wanted because, in the back of my mind, his ass is already on borrowed time as being in the home and as my husband.
I knew a family with another selfish husband. He wanted to be polyamorous so they were. She had only a few boundaries. One was, don't sleep with the nanny. Second was always use condoms.... And of course.
As a dude, you can immediately feel a broken condom. I'm not sure he can be trusted with a feral kitten that lives in the gutter across the street. And he really wanted a baby he can't seem to care for? I would bet money that condom was sabatoged or willfully busted through so he could get OP preggers. She should have aborted because now she has a child with another child that's actually fully grown but couldn't comprehend parenthood and what being a stay at home parent actually means. I wouldn't trust him with crackers in a bed, let alone a full human being I just gave birth to or to find proper care for her. He seriously didn't last one fucking work conference after making a long term commitment. Absolute loser.
Or have a semi-supervised nanny that can supplement care if he gets a WFH position. That seems like a situation that could ease OP’s fears?
Y'all are really trusting of a man who's already proven he can't be trusted by trusting him to find a nanny while he works from home.🤔
> get me thinking about divorce to be honest. what would make me think about divorce was that mysteriously broken condom right after he expressed a desire to have a kid. bet he did that shit on purpose betting that she would cave and stay home with the baby.
>He absolutely broke down and said he doesn’t think he can do this. He expressed how trapped, alone and overwhelmed he felt all weekend. He now wants me to extend my maternity leave and is talking about trying to get his job back Basically he's freaking about the thing (a) he agreed to, (b) he promised to take care of, and (c) he pressured you into, and now he wants that thing to happen to you instead of him. Fuck him. What you said was harsh, but I don't know many people who would have had an easy time staying calm after being confronted with that. I probably would have said something mean too. He needs to put on his big boy pants and figure out how he is going to take care of the situation he created. Some of the feelings he's expressing are valid - it legitimately is isolating being a SAHP - but there are ways to deal with that that don't involve making you the SAHP he promised to be. He needs to work on addressing the isolation by addressing the isolation, not by getting out of being a parent by dumping it on you. NTA
C is the one that bothers me the most. He feels trapped, alone and overwhelmed at home with the baby but has no qualms about her having the same experience.
It was also one day! This is why stay at home parents get together for playtime or going to events at the library and whatnot. Did they meet other parents in their birthing classes? Reach out to a couple and ask how they are doing? He’s going to realize there is a lot more going in as soon as he is the one tackling a lot more things around the house like meal planning and laundry. Right now everything was probably in a good state because there were two at home.
She won't always be a newborn. He may like the next stage better. He sounds like a huge baby! He has to honor his commitment or there's no hope for this marriage!
Yes! Newborns are hard, infants are hard, but kids grow fast. It’s like people say about the weather in some places - if you don’t like it, just wait. I was a nanny for 6y and during that time, my first nanny family went from one kiddo to two. Taking care of a newborn is SO DAMN MUCH, but for me and with that baby, the first 3mo were the hardest and after that it was (for me, on most days, as someone who got to go home at the end of the day) entirely manageable. Dude needs to get some resources, apply the fuck out of them, and then white-knuckle his way to better days
Exactly. Plus, it's not like he's being forced to be a SAHD for the rest of time. It's just until their kid is old enough to be verbal, which is a few years. He asked for this situation and he needs to be an adult and handle it for a couple years.
He wants her to be a SAHP AND WFH. crazy.
It’s like the people who beg and plead and guilt their partner into getting a puppy and then whine and complain about how much work it is to take care of one. Only difference is that you can’t give a kid away if you don’t like having one!
It is super hard to be home with babies and little kids. We women have been doing it for a LONG time. He needs to do what stay at home moms do everyday. Find support, meet up groups, etc. Also, I know your experience was terrible, but there are good day care providers out there. Even if he had someone come into your home for some portion of the day while he was still present. This would give him somewhat of a break, still be supervised, etc. The option for you to just stay at home isn’t in the cards. He needs to man up.
This is what stood out to me. He suddenly thought it would be hard and she should do it? No shit it's hard, but it'll be hard for OP as well, but his needs take priority apparently. There are parent groups, play groups, reading time at libraries and a heap of other activities around to help with the feelings of isolation being a SAHP because it IS isolating! He needs to research and put his money where his mouth is. Possibly consider a form of BC for you as well, because it may have been an accident but it was convenient that the condom broke just after he was starting to pressure you. You don't want a 2nd accident.
I didn’t even read past the *BROKEN CONDOM* story. OP, you can’t truly believe that he didn’t poke holes in his condoms regularly until his PLAN worked. He talked you out of an abortion. Every single piece adds up to him baby trapping you. He’s a dishonest POS!
SAME! I thought this exact thing! It's pretty obvious and now just a couple days alone he wants her to give it up. I wouldn't be surprised if that was part of the plan too
100% he poked holes in the condom to baby trap her.
What made me pause was the fact that he only started pressing her for a baby after his best friend had one. It just feels odd.
Without excusing his other behavior, this part makes sense to me. I’m not ever likely to have a kid, adopted or bio, and wanting one kicks in more sharply when someone close to me has a new baby. I think you’re responsible for how you handle those wants, but I don’t think anything is ethically wrong with feeling those pangs.
Sounds like you were baby trapped and he's regretting it. I couldn't look at him. Can you hire a nanny?
NTA. The condom didn’t break, he broke it. He was never ok with adopting. It surprises me that he went so far as to quit his job, honestly I was expecting him to go back on his word at nine months pregnant. Who insist on having a child, accepts being the stay at home parent then gives up after one weekend alone? You can’t trust him, sure as hell you can’t give up your career and financial security for him. Find a nanny if you can afford it. Wait until he has a job then file for divorce. If you can’t trust your partner there’s no way to savage a relationship.
> he began to really press me on having children... > ...unexpectedly pregnant due to a condom breaking This was my first thought when I got here too. So suspicious
What do you want to bet he didn’t quit his job. He asked for extended FMLA to stay home with the baby. He’s not asking for his job back…he never gave it up.
I agree with all of this. BIG FAFO here, by the husband. "You can trust him," Think you have a typo there, but you got it right at the bottom. u/Obvious-Mistake-7801 - sadly, your husband seems *quite* untrustworthy. Hope there is someone else close by that can offer you better support. Best of luck!
"The condom didn’t break, he broke it." I suspect this too.
^^^ This, he broke that condom got his bio baby, and now he wants a trad wife 🤢
No, he wants OP to continue working from home to make money! He wants OP to make money AND take care of the kid while knowing full well "how trapped, alone and overhelmed" it is.
That’s true. This type of man would think trad wife = having a full time job so she’s not a “leech” while also somehow doing easily 95% of the housework and childcare.
It’s just crazy- why did he go after OP in the first place? It’s like he specifically gets a kick out of trying to take away OP’s amazing career vs choosing a woman who doesn’t want one. It’s his control fantasy to force a Neurologist back into the kitchen.
Because some men don’t view women as people who’s thoughts and desires are valid and probably figured once a baby was in the picture she’d put down her silly career and be the mom she was meant to be.
100% he expected OP to change her mind. After all his super important career in marketing is way more important than her silly job as a ~neurologist~
NTA He is an unworthy bag of gummyworms. I'd seriously consider divorce. That condom really... broke? How convenient
Don't disrespect gummy worms
Totally valid. I apologize. He is an unworthy bag of limp dicks, shaped like a grown man, who can't even parent for one week but *squeeky-voice* really-really wanted to be dad!!! A dad for the good stuff! Not the hard shit and the exhaustion. No, a fun dad with a decent 8h sleep every night and some goodnatured advice for the shadow of a woman who shoulders the 99,9% of mental load and childcare (and chores, lets be honest)
There is not a chance on this earth that he didn’t tamper it, I’m surprised OP hasn’t made the connection
NTA. I’d be absolutely furious.
Dude probably realized how much responsibility and care a newborn requires, and he isn't capable of it. There are fathers, and there are people who think they can be fathers. NTA. Maybe one of your folks can help with the baby until you can figure out what to do?
How does a neurologist work from home? NTA! He’s quite happy for you feel trapped, overwhelmed and alone? Time for him to grow up.
If I transitioned to a WFH role I would likely have to give up caring for patients as a neurologist. I’d probably end up doing consulting work for a health insurance company. Sounds soul sucking, I know.
I’m still stuck on the fact that he doesn’t just want OP to do what he did on the weekend full time. He wants her to do it with a job on top of it. So he did it for two days, alone without any other responsibilities, instead of realizing that parenting is hard and that it has a steep learning curve, he decided he doesn’t want to do it. Essentially he tried it out on easy mode (fully sponsored, without financial burden), turned around and said “nah, you do it, but on hard”. Because it’s not OP please extend maternity leave and I’ll support us. It’s OP continue to support us and take care of our child. He’s basically saying have two full time intense jobs at the same time, instead of one.
If he can't handle 2 days of basic, standard, done by billions of people around the world every single day, parenting - then he's an abject failure. Kids are hard, but not THAT hard. Jeeze. Rather than make you shoulder the burden he needs to learn that parenting is work, and work HE needs to do since he wanted this and you doing it is net worse for your entire family financially than him doing it. Don't let his weaponized incompetence sway you.
Question 1: What was his job/career that he was 15 years established in? Question 2: Why can't he work from home? NTA.
I mean setting aside for a minute whether or not a particular career can be done remotely… no job can be done remotely while also taking care of a baby. OP is 100% NTA but the expectation that she still work as a physician AND take care of the kid full time is straight delusional thinking from the husband.
NTA You know that condom had some help breaking right? The answer however, is to get a nanny. Then you can decide if you want to stay in the marriage.
You didn’t overreact at all, he lied to you so he could have what he wanted and now he’s expecting you to make all the sacrifices for the child he pressured you to have. I’d have lost my shit, too. Definitely opt for a daycare or nanny or any other option over losing your career because of him. I hope your relationship can survive his selfishness, if you still want one with him.