Maybe neither asked each other? Maybe neither expressed their stance to the other? Seems like a NAH scenario. Also, they’ve been together 2 years. He was 21 and maybe wasn’t thinking long term yet. Men get married at ~30.5yo on average. It was probably too far out to consider.
Met my now husband when we were 21 and we talked about kids and marriage before we were even dating. Then again when we started dating. Then again when we talked about our “future plans” after graduating college. Most of our friends also talked about these subjects.
I don’t think he’s an AH. I just think it’s strange that they both have such strong feelings on the subject , but it never came up while discussing their “future plans.”
You are an exception. Most couples in their early 20s are still figuring themselves out and not ready to get serious. I started talking with my husband about marriage & kids (I was 23, him 27) right away only because 1) his family was planning an arranged marriage 2) immigration status in our current country of residence.
We’ve been married for 15yrs and I was the first of any of my friends to get married.
I agree. My 19yr old has discussed this. Obviously, not planning on getting married right now but future plans, dreams, goals, etc have all come up in the 6 months they've been dating.
There is a plus side to AI posts. There might be someone actually going through something similar and the responses on an AI post will give them something to think about!
Relationship's over. You're too old not to know you should mention it before you've been with someone for two years. You're NTA for telling her, YTA for telling her after two years. I'm the same, I don't want marriage or kids, but I say so from the beginning.
My "guideline" was 3 months. Doesn't mean I want kids now, doesn't mean I want marriage now, but if we are on radically different pages, we should find out now and sort our shit out. I 100% want marriage, no marriage is a deal breaker, I am ambivalent on kids. My partner was ambivalent about marriage, 100% did not want kids. So now 12 years later, still together, married, and no kids. But we sorted that shit out.
Counterpoint/Question: why is it specifically on OP to have brought this up? Wouldn’t the GF be equally expected to have brought this up at some point? Instead it seems she made the assumption that marriage and kids were a given if they stayed together long enough.
I’m not saying he’s golden, but NTA for telling but YTA for not having done so in the past two years is perhaps a little “damned if you do damned if you don’t
Edit: What I’m driving at is that “you’re NTA for X and YTA for Y” really just translates to “YTA” with extra steps. So it’s better to consider if they are *really* 100% YTA and then just say so, or if the YTA and NTA cancel out to NAH or feed off each other to ESH. Then pick whichever one thinks is appropriate.
I'd say at that young you wouldn't think to ask and especially her. She'd just assume marriage and kids were where they were heading. Especially after they've been together for a while and especially of he told her he loved her. I'd argue that the person who's feelings are outside the norm should be the one to bring it up and let the other person know where they stand.
What I’m driving at is that “you’re NTA for X and YTA for Y” really just translates to “YTA” with extra steps. So it’s better to consider if they are *really* 100% YTA and then just say so, or if the YTA and NTA cancel out to NAH or feed off each other to ESH. Then pick whichever one thinks is appropriate.
Personally, I called this one NAH and just unfortunate all around. While I agree that the person who is deviating from the prevailing societal default has the onus to make that known, I think they’re both young enough that it’s a lesson (painfully) learned. They both now know that this is something to hash out sooner rather than later in the next relationship. (I pretty much assume *this* relationship is done for.)
Two years ago he was 21. I’m sorry, but it’s unreasonable to say 21 year olds should be talking about marriage and kids on their first dates. If you’re 31, sure, those cards should be on the table; but next no nobody is dating for marriage and kids at that age. Heck, you’re far more likely to have a whoopsie baby and shotgun marriage with the person you started dating at 21.
21 may seem young, but I didn't know anyone who didn't have a general idea if they wanted to be married and have kids in their future. The key word: future.
They are young and they were two years younger back then. At 23 your mind is in getting your life on track and not in marriage and children. He made clear when she asked. NTA.
>*You're too old not to know you should mention it before you've been with someone for two years.*
Same applies to her, ESPECIALLY her considering SHE'S the one for who apparently "*it's really important*" to her.
How does she go two years in a relationship and a '*very important*' thing isn't brought up ?
She's just as much of an AH for presuming, without making sure, they were on the same page, why does he have to be the mind reader, and not her ?
I think making OP the only asshole because he didn't tell her is unfair; why should it be his, and only his, responsibility to make that clear since the beginning? It's not like not wanting to get married or kids is such a rare thing nowadays. If you're saying OP is old enough to know better, OP's gf is even more so.
That said, yeah, this is a wrap.
Why is it his responsibility only? It sounds like she hadn’t told him marriage and kids were important until this conversation. Men get married at 30.5 on average (in the US). They met when he was 21yo. To put all the responsibility of broaching the subject of marriage and kids is unreasonable. NAH.
He's too old to not know ?? He's freaking 23 years old and 2 years ago he was 21 when the relationship started of course his mind wasn't on marriage and kids he's still a kid himself
This is a ESH scenario. While both of you are young, so I can see how the topic of marriage and children haven’t been at the forefront of your mind, this is something that DEFINITELY should have come up in TWO years.
In your next relationship, make sure you’re clearing upfront that you have no intentions of marrying or having children so that you can make sure you find the right partner
This is a good lesson to learn in one’s early 20s. When my most recent boyfriend and I began dating, we hadn’t even known each other for 48 hours before he asked about my thoughts on marriage, gender roles within a marriage, kids, etc. We were in our early/mid 30s and I was terribly impressed by his forthrightness.
This is exactly the comment!!! I don't understand why people are saying this is reasonable because they're young. I started dating my girlfriend when we were 16 and 17 and I distinctly remember discussing if we'd be open to marriage and kids in the future even at that age. Of course we were aware things could change as we got older, but we still had discussions about it from the beginning. 21 is still young, sure, but it's not young enough to have literally zero idea what your plans in life are. Plus, regardless of how old or young you are, two years is a lot of time. I really don't understand how this could NEVER come up in that amount of time. I'm honestly leaning toward this being a fake story because I just don't understand how at NO POINT were they watching a movie about kids and said "wow I never want to do that" or something. Just think about how many conversations you have with someone in 2 years!!!
I say NAH. They are both VERY inexperienced. They started dating when he was 21 and she was 23. It's okay not to immediately think of marriage in that age.
They haven't even been dating for two years yet. To be fair, he's not interested in those things, therefore he most likely doesn't think about them. On the other hand his GF does want those things, she should have brought it up sooner if she wanted to know sooner. Also he's 23, he's really young to be thinking about those things even if he wanted them. I'm going with NTA. It's best she finds out now and can find someone who's on the same page.
IDK who is at fault so I will say neither.
It is possible that you will want marriage and a family when you are older. You might change your mind. That said, your GF has every right to be upset. I think the timing with you two is off. Let her go. She needs to find a man who is on the same time line.
Sometimes you can meet the right person at the wrong time, which really sucks. But it happens.
NTA for having those feelings, but you really should have told her this when you started dating. She will most likely break it off now, but you could have saved her 2 years. On the flip side, at least you told her and didn't wait till you've been together longer.
I’m actually gonna go with a slight YTA.
If you don’t want to get married or have kids that’s fine but it’s something you should disclose early so that someone doesn’t waste two years dating you.
How have you been together for two years and NEVER discussed this? My wife and I had this discussion by the 3rd date, because we really liked each other, and wanted to see if we had similar life goals.
ESH for shit communication.
NTA
Sad results, but honesty is the best policy.
FWIW, if you do really care about her, ending this obvious deadend relationship, would be the kinder thing to do.
I say this because:
1-You are not going to change your mind.
2-She is not going to change her mind.
3-If you stay, hoping she will agree to your position, she will not.
4-If she stays, she will likely try to change you or she will hope you will change in the future, and if you will not, it will explode apart.
I know this, as I had to come to grips with this same type thing early into my marriage, and thankfully, I changed my mind and we have 2 excellent young sons 16-20 range, and I am so glad I changed, but that is not likely your path or future.
So please be aware how serious these two matters are to her. And if YOU utterly will not & cannot see yourself changing, do NOT hurt her heart anymore by staying in this deadend relationship, as there is NO future in it for you, and especially for her.
Hope this helps.
FYI 30+ years married.
FYI 50+ years old.
Best and kind regards.
NTA and neither is she but it's ridiculous that you lasted 2 years into a relationship without telling the other person you never want to get married or have kids.
Do the right thing and end it now. You two were never compatible and in the future these are things you should be discussing much earlier in your relationship.
NTA at all. It’s understandable she’s hurt, you just crushed her dreams (completely unintentionally). But the sooner she knows how you feel about those things, the better.
Just bite the bullet and end the relationship. You two are not compatible on either marriage or kids. All you are doing now is wasting both her and your time.
No. She asked and you gave her an honest response. NTA.
You would only be an AH if you insincerely told her what she wanted to hear with no intention of following through. If she wants to be married and have kids, she will have to find someone else and better to know now than later.
Exactly. I think people get into relationships because it's right at the time for those circumstances (especially in your early 20s), and that can change, and you don't have to have it all figured out. I am a VASTLY different person at almost 40 than I was at 23. At that age, I wanted no kids, no marriage. Now I have two kids (who I love dearly) and my marriage is hanging on by a thread / we're working on it.
You're never TA when you give an honest answer to the newly asked question "do you want \[something\]". If there is a mismatch that went undetected, that doesn't make anyone the asshole, maybe it "should've" come up sooner, but the emotionally mature thing to do is be sad about the misaligned goals, and decided if you are willing to change your goals to maintain the relationship. You can love someone and have different goals, and the most loving thing you can do is let them go to pursue their goals. It's hard when someone's goals include you as a unique individual and you don't share that goal. That's not an asshole thing, it just sucks. Hard to maintain a friendship, but it's not impossible, either.
That sucks for OP. Sympathy. But also it's good to be open and honest. I got married cuz I felt like I was supposed to / thought I wanted it, and I am definitely not doing it again, regardless: I don't think I'm ultimately cut out for that, or my wife and I have mismatched goals/expectations that were not clear to us before we got married and had our first kid. I didn't plan to have kids, but I also was open to it "if it happens, it happens", and I don't regret that.
Pretty much the same for me. In my 20s I never wanted any kids either. Later on, I would have been fine with it, but my father developer severe health issues in his 40s and I said if it happens, it happens, but if it didn't happen by the time I was 35, then no kids. I got past that age and was still in good health, but then I fell in love with a woman older than me. And I chose love over ever having a family. So now she's 62 and I am 51, and we're just "Aunt Kay and Uncle John" to everyone else's kids. Except at Christmas, when we're Mr. and Mrs. Claus (and we totally look the part!).
No regrets. Kids weren't meant to be for me. The woman in OP's scenario is fortunate enough that she can decide at 25 and not in her 40s, like I did.
This is probably something you should have discussed when you guys became exclusive. If she wants marriage and children, you're basically wasting her time.
I, female, now in my 70s, did not want children and made sure guys who were getting serious knew that.
And I lost a really good guy that way. But it wasn't fair to him not to tell him.
I never had children and still think it was the best decision of my life.
NTA, but she would be justified in ending the relationship if her vision of the future does not line up with yours.
Don't think of it as punitive if it happens. It's just a mismatch of desires.
Try to be kind and understanding if she decides to leave.
Alternatively, if she is important to you, you may consider reevaluating your own vision of the future.
How the fuck do you date someone for **two years** without even mentioning views on marriage **or** kids? Have you ever had a serious conversation in your life?
I’m a marriage-free childfree person and so is my partner. It should be told right out of the gate if possible. I told my partner this before we got together; “If you want to be married or be a parent of any child; you need to move on”. We’ve been together for years with no issues. He knew going into it. I suggest the same for you. You have incompatible goals.
She's angry and distant because she's mourning a death. The death of her vision of her life with you, her future.
I doubt you'll stay together, not because you did something wrong, but because you are deeply and fundamentally incompatible, and now the 2 of you know it. The divide really could not be any bigger between the 2 of you.
There's no compromise I can see between staying single yet getting married, and even less between remaining childless yet having children. Each of these is either/or, and both of them together is even MORE either/or. Some people have been able to compromise on one or the other... such as getting married, but adamantly childless..... I've never run across anyone willing to give up on BOTH positions.
You are NOT the asshole for telling her, and she is NOT the asshole for mourning.
But really, how did this never come up in 2 years??? Especially when you claim you are open about future plans.
NTA. These are non-negotiables for a lot of relationships. It's really surprising you've been together for 2 years and marriage/kids never came up. This is by no means your problem. If this was so important to your girlfriend, she should have mentioned them and ended the relationship a lot sooner.
Some advice, be vocal about your feelings on marriage and kids with your future girlfriends. End your current relationship. If you're really sure about not getting married/having kids, you'll just continue hurting your girlfriend staying in this relationship. It'll be painful, but you can both find people who fit your life plan better.
To quote a great movie title - Never say never. The story behind that is interesting, but that's for another time.
My girlfriend and I had no intentions whatsoever to get married at ANY point in time. People change when they get married (usually for the worse), and besides, she'd already been married and had a kid, I had no desire to get married, and had no desire to sire any kids. I had no problem with her having a kid, and no problem helping raise him, so it was perfect.
A decade later, everything is going fine, except it's really getting old introducing her as my girlfriend of ten years (just get married already!), but even that was not enough to change our minds about marriage.
Then we got involved in a business where it really was advantageous to be married, so we thought "Sure - why not, if it helps our business".
We got married, and to my surprise, the relationship did not crumble. It did change, but actually for the better, and now I see it as the best thing I could ever have done.
We just celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary - 44 years together, so maybe this thing is going to last. And it gets better every year. Are we blissfully happy? Oh, hell no! Well, not always. Sometimes yes, but we get very angry with each other sometimes, and that's what you eventually figure out. It's never permanent happiness, but hopefully you get to the point where you realize this person is always on your side, and always will be, and you are the same for her, and you realize that there are ups and downs in life, and you help each other get through them.
You may never get married, but don't rule it out.
Or, as my wife just said: "23? What the fuck do they know about 'never'?" See? she can still make me laugh, and that's why we're still together, and probably always will.
NTA for telling her. But YTAH bc you waited so long to tell her.
It's is a societal standard to get married. I am not saying that you should, I am just saying that most people expect this. Especially women. A lot of people see dating as a step toward marriage. Or at least women do.
So the fact you have been with her for 2 years and this hasn't come up. This makes you the AH. Bc if it were me, and I wanted to get married and have kids. It would make it feel like these past 2 years have been a waste of my time.
That sounds harsh. But women can only have children for so long. And if they want to ensure they are having that with the right partner; first comes daring, then marriage, and then children. This process takes years.
She does share some of this blame, tho. Bc either one of you could have started this conversation. And it's an important one to have. And neither of you did. And now you just found out you're not compatible as a couple.
YTA for not telling her for so long.
FWIW, my family has a pretty significant failure rate with marriage too.
Learning from their mistakes, my married life is far better than theirs was at my age. You can take a hard line and say you'll never get married, and probably lose the vast majority of good women in your future over it, or you can choose to do marriage better than your predecessors and break the cycle that way. Either way, communicating that up front is kind of a requirement to not being an AH
Doesn’t want marriage and also doesn’t want kids. Just eliminating like 98% of options right off the rip lol. One or the other ok but damn there aren’t a plethora of girls that want neither.
NAH but it should have been discussed before this point as marriage and kids are massive things and the two of you are not compatible. That’s not just on you but also her as well, just to be clear
Marriage (and the legal and financial protections that go with it) and children are pretty major values goals. If you've always known this was what you didn't want, stringing a woman along for two years is an asshole thing to do. Expect to break up over this.
As long as you didn't wait the two years to make certain she's attached to you before dropping the news, NTA. If you did wait for that reason, YTA.
In any event, she's currently emotionally distancing herself from you. It might take a bit of time, but the breakup is imminent, so prepare yourself. And please don't gaslight or manipulate her. She wants marriage and kids. Let her go so she can get what she wants from life.
NTA, but it sounds like you are looking for different things so your relationship may not work out.
Idk if you've thought about marriage from this perspective before, but when you say "I will never marry you," that is a way of saying "I have no definite plans to NOT be with you, but I also am never going to count out that possibility." Seriously, that is what it means. Or, perhaps more cynically "You'll do for now, but who knows how either of us will feel in the future, or whether something better will come along for me."
Marriage is where you swear in front of your friends and family that you will try your upmost to love, support, and remain emotionally and sexually faithful to that person for as long as you live, no matter what comes your way. If that's not a possibility you want to explore with her, it's good you told her.
NTA you did the right thing by being honest and not letting her hope for a future with you which will never happen. Now she needs to decide if marriage and a family are important enough to her to leave you and find someone who is on the same page or not.
1. 2 years and yall are talking about this now? That’s a topic for the first couple of dates, my partner and I laid down the cards on the table the second date.
2. Yall clearly weren’t open about future plans cause otherwise this wouldn’t be a shock to both of you.
3. The relationship is over. Cause now it means one has to compromise and that means that one is going to resent the other .
4. I see a lot of people saying “they’re young…” , I was 19 when I started dating my now husband and we put the cards on the table on the second date. We’ve been together for 6.5+ years now.
INFO: Was there ever a time these topics came up, and you didn’t tell her your views? In two years, has she never made a comment like “I wouldn’t want to have all my bridesmaids in matching dresses like in the tv show we’re watching, I’m just going to pick a color and let them get dresses they like,” or “I’ve always wanted to have a daughter named Susan,” or “I picked my career in part because it has regular hours, and I wouldn’t want to be working tons of overtime as a parent”? Or even, “my mom is a bitch, but I think she’ll mellow out when she’s a grandma”? Because I find it hard to believe you’ve been together for two years, assuming you speak to each other regularly, and it’s never come up.
NTA. You don't want kids. It's the truth
But I can't believe that the subject hasn't come up in two years.
Surely the two of you had some discussions around the subject of the future and your expectations. Surely?
This should not have been a surprise to her.
She wants something different and she will leave you.
She's probably just mourning the loss of the future she thought she had with you.
Once she processes it, she'll move on.
Before the first date I would clarify future plans. It helps avoid wasting time, this is a perfect example here. Let her go find the person she's going to be with, look for someone with the same game plan as yourself, and talk about it early on.
NTAH, but how do have a girlfriend for two years and never say you do not want marriage or kids, 2 years?
Marriage is obsolete, legitimizing heirs, health care, and property ownership can be handled with contracts.
I find it hard to believe having children never came up in 2 years. I told my wife in the first 15 minutes of our first date that I wanted kids.
Cut her loose if you do not see at least children and forever in her eyes. Do it now.
NAH while you both probably should have talked about the basics of what you wanted in life before two years into a relationship, you’re not an asshole for wanting different things. That having been said, you should probably get pretty used to calling her your ex girlfriend given you two have contradictory life goals, and you probably both should learn to discuss things like this sooner in future relationships.
You're 23, and 21 when you started dating her, so I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here for being young and stupid. People generally date to find the person they want to settle down and start a family with. IF YOU DON'T PLAN TO MARRY OR HAVE KIDS, THAT'S A FIRST-COUPLE-OF-DATES-DISCUSSION.
You are absolutely TA for not telling her sometime in the past 2 years that she's wasting her time with you. If your parents had this level of common sense and communication, I'm not surprised their marriages were "rocky".
NTA for being honest with her.
With that being said, even if you have been upfront over the past 2 years about your views, she may have been expecting that your views will change as you mature and your relationship grows.
Are you prepared to lose the relationship over this?
As someone that have been in similar place as you, taking the step to marriage and kids is tough and scary. I wanted to avoid it and managed to for 10 and 13 years.
Now with 2 kids, I wouldn't change it for anything. My focus is to give my kids the home that I wanted and deserved as a child so that they don't have the baggage that I carry.
You will likely never feel different or "ready" for the next step and nothing in life is guaranteed. But if you are in a positive relationship and share values, you are well ahead of the curve.
NAH, you’re not compatible. Marriage and children are not decisions that can be compromised, you cannot be half married or have half a child. I’m sorry it has worked out this way and stunned it took two years for this conversation to happen, but this relationship is not going to work out.
In the future, be upfront about it before you’ve sunk two years into a relationship with someone whose plans for the future do not align with your own.
NTA but you will be breaking up. Your personal goals and desires cannot be met and neither can hers. You should have mentioned that you don't want to ever be married or have kids by the third date. In the future wear a T-shirt that states that you will never marry or have kids if you can't manage the words in a conversation.
NTA, but you should have told anyone you date that you’re never getting married or having kids. She’s spent two years getting attached to a man who’s unsuitable for her.
Do not allow her to give up her dream of marriage and kids to stay with you, because she’s attached, because she’ll resent you for it.
From now on, be upfront about this. It’s a major compatibility point.
YTA for not discussing it earlier. If those things are important to her your relationship is basically over. You have different life goals and views on major things. Either you break up or one suffers for not having the life they wanted
NTA - Just be ready for when she dumps you to find a guy who will give her what she wants. You just have to decide if this is the hill you want to kill your relationship on.
You're not necessarily the AH, and yes, you are right to be up front with her about what your beliefs and future will look like. It just sucks because she sees hers differently. Honestly, if you and she both are not willing to compromise, it's better to let her break it off with you. She is figuring it out right now, and you're just going to have to be patient and embrace for impact.
OK you're not an asshole, you are just young & know nothing about real life. That woman deserves to be investing her time & attention, care & cultivation, in a man who is ready to stand up and be the one she needs to manifest the destiny of life. She wants to reproduce and she needs a partner who would be thrilled to join her in this journey. Be very kind, show whatever manners you have learned, and gently wish her well as she leaves you for a safe harbor.
NTA. I am a child of divorce. I’ve been with my husband for 35 years. Marrying the right person is the most important thing. Now that she has told you it’s important to her and you’re not in she will have the chance to move on.
I think i'm leaning more on YTA because as much as your girlfriends reaction was a little over the top, you also have to consider her feelings. Wasting two years on a relationship that might get no where is honestly emotionly crushing easpecially since she seemed excited thinking of a future with you...
She wants kids someday. He doesn't. That alone means there is no point in continuing the relationship. That's a fundamental incompatibility that can't be worked through. There's no compromise position in having kids.
NAH, you just both want different things. However, how did this never come up in the 2 years you've been dating? Its not like you just started seeing each other, you've been together a while, so its pretty odd that the subjects have never once come up before.
YTA! I'm almost certain you already knew her views on marriage and children. You said so yourself, you've had a great relationship with open communication so she must have brought that up at some point. You strung her along probably just to get her pants without having to commit to the long term expectations of the relationship. So, let's pretend you had no idea these views were hershort and long term plans, just let her go. You are not a man for her because she wants a loyal and commited man.
Yeah you should end it if that’s how you feel. But if you actually love this woman, then marriage shouldn’t be a problem. I know historically you haven’t seen good marriages, but neither have I and getting married was one of the best things I did. Same with kids. I was scared but now spending time with my son is my favorite thing in the world.
Honesty is the policy. The two of you have different life goals. This is a big one. The two of you are no longer compatible. She wants a ring, and kids. You don't. Don't string her along.
NAH. You were 21 and she was 23 when you started dating. In large parts of the world (yes, this depends a lot on cultural context), people at that age don't really think of marriage. From my experience, talk of marriage should start between the ages of 23 and 30, after about 1 or 2 years of relationship.
If at that point you realise you have different objectives in life, than you should break up so both of you can look for someone with similar goals.
If you lie to her and string her along, than you'd be the AH. If she used emotional blackmail to coerce you into marriage, she's the AH. But, from what you told us here, my vote is NAH.
YTA. This girl wasted two years of her life with someone who has completely different goals than her. This is something I ask on a first date. There's no point in dating people you're incompatible with.
Actually you're already at the later part. The now would've been two years ago not two years later. Open about future plans my butt. Or did one of you just assume you'd change the other's mind about what they want?
You’re a child who still has a long way to go. Maybe you will change your mindset, maybe you won’t. Either way, you need to lead with that info before getting into any future relationships. This relationship is toast. Good luck
It's good you told her. Now, she can make an informed decision and either dump you for someone willing to make a commitment, you let her go nicely, or get into pre marriage counseling.
Anyone calling you the asshole are on some fucking drugs, people saying ESH have it right. Either one of you could have initiated this conversation sooner so it’s both your faults.
No ones the asshole but y’all need to learn from this, this is like a 4th or 5th date topic
NTA but you should be prepared for what is very likely about to happen. She is going to break up with you. Do not try to drag her back with fake promises of marrying her to keep her. If you are both set on your aspect of marriage then it won't work. It sucks but some times you can have 2 people who love each other but who's life goals do not match up. Some things just can't be compromised. Be upfront in your next relationship to save of future heartbreak
Well, you are the asshole for not bringing this up before. You must have known that this was coming and you were just hoping that through the sunk cost fallacy she would overlook it and stay with you anyways.
You don’t need to want to get married, but she deserves somebody who does
NTA, but why are you locking yourself in? You may change your mind multiple times over the next few years.
That being said, I am surprised that you waited 2 years to let her in on something important.
You handled it fine and so did she.
Both of you will now have to figure out if this is a deal breaker or not for your relationship.
Better to face this head on than to avoid it as it will come to a head sooner or later
YTA for not being up front. 2 years is way too long for this information to be hidden from your girlfriend (if this was the first time she learned of your feelings about marriage).
You are completely wrong for each other and she just figured it out… Your relationship is over. NTA for not wanting marriage/kids.
You both suck that this never came up before.
NAH, no one is at fault but you want different things in life. The marriage is... well maybe some compromise and further discussion needed, but the children/family thing is a dead end. If these issues are non-negotiable, then stop wasting each other's time, it was good you were clear about this.
NAH. You don’t want marriage and she wants it. It’s time to end the relationship. You would be the asshole if you continue dragging her along wasting her time
NAH
Your relationship is probably done; she wants marriage and kids, while you don’t want either. But you knew that.
You should’ve brought this up earlier, but she could’ve also asked earlier. You didn’t take into account that your viewpoint, while perfectly acceptable, is not the societal default. On the other hand, she seems to have made the fatal mistake of just assuming that marriage and kids would follow staying with the same guy long enough.
Next time, clue your partner in on your marriage and kids position as soon as the relationship becomes dedicated/serious. Don’t wait around on things that are known common dealbreakers. And hopefully your next partner will also do you the courtesy of considering these things closer to the outside as well.
No it’s better that you did. She’s probably upset as she’s coming to terms with the relationship being over,
I hope you know your relationship even if it didn’t officially end is. Definitely 100% over when she comes to terms with her need to have a spouse and a child. Her clock is ticking and she knows it
YTA for not bringing up the fact that you don’t want what the vast majority of people want from a relationship when y’all first got serious. And just some words of wisdom, you’re very young and there’s a good chance you’ll change your mind on some things. First off, divorce isn’t genetic. Your parents’ divorce has zero to do with your relationship. Your options for a partner are going to be severely limited if you insist on no kids and no marriage. Break up with her and let her go find someone who will give her what she wants, and you can go find someone you want. Just be sure you get your wants out of the way early next time.
You need to break up. It's not just about what YOU want. If you care about her at all, then set her free to go find a partner who is willing to give her what SHE dreams of with marriage and kids. Stop wasting her time. Time can be different for women than men on the kids' topic. You need to be upfront with this with any future people you date. YTA
Well, it took two years for you to figure out you’re totally incompatible, but now you know.
It sucks. You’re NTA— it’s good it finally came up. But next time maybe figure out if you are compatible with someone before getting serious and investing years into each other and a relationship.
ESH for waiting so long for this to come up. Hope claiming you're both open with your feelings and yet you've gone 2 years without ever even remotely discussing your future plans? I could understand if you said you'd be been dating 2 months, but 2 years??
NTA you were truthful and now she will make her choice. This is your hill and now you have to live with the outcome. Do you think she is going to stay with you?
I don't think you're the AH, but be prepared for things to change. Obviously, you two are incompatible, each wanting something different in a relationship..Best to have a real heart to heart talk and make plans to go your separate ways.
The worst thing you two can do is stay in the relationship, hoping the other will change their mind.
NTA.
Only way you’d be the asshole is if you had told her before that you did want to get married. If it’s never come up in conversation before that isn’t your fault.
If you were 35 I’d say you should have told her upfront, but you were 21 when you started dating.
This needs to be discussed early on. If you don’t wanna marry or have kids, this is a big deal and it’s highly likely your partner might not have the same thoughts. You’re NTA for your choice, however, both of you are to be blamed for just assuming that your thoughts are what your partner’s thoughts are.
You told jer the truth. The truth is all you need to say. My daughter is having issues about this because her dad and i have had a very rocky relationship and he has a temper Her really nice boyfriend wants to get married and have kids but she is not ready and/or does not want to be like her parents. Makes me so sad. Our marriage is and was an embarrassment
you are not compatible, both of you need to find new partners, and in the future let your new partner know you don't want marriage or kids in the first few months.
I’m sorry you’ve had so many bad experience with marriage and I’m sure you’re coming from a place of fear of possibly experiencing your own marriage failures. I know you didn’t mean to hurt your gf, and I’m sure deep down she knows that. I just want to say my husband and I have been together 10 years, married 5, and our marriage is far from perfect, but it’s ok because we love each other and we communicate our needs and feelings. Remember, you and your gf are your own people. You are not your parents, your friends, or neighbors. You are you, and she is she, and I’m sure you both are capable of love, compassion, and commitment. If your gf is good and you trust her and you have love for each other, then don’t be afraid to marry her. Idk if you’re spiritual, but Jesus said, “Love one another, as I have loved you.” His love is unconditional and given freely without cause to hurt. If you love your wife how God loves us all, that love will shine through and prevail over all the bad things that try to come into your marriage, every time.
So you’ve been dating for 2 years and possibly living together currently and not once has this ever came up?
Are you sure you were open and honest about the future; because it seems as though you both had extremely different expectations.
NTA for telling her
However
YTA for waiting 2 years and living together before talking about the future you want in general.
This living together is because you said she asked you about marriage after “when we got home”
Making it seem like you two have been living together long enough to say it’s both of your home.
This conversation should have been had in the beginning of the relationship not two years after there has been so much bonding. This girl went in with hopes and dreams for a future family and over time she imagined it with you. All of that has been robbed from her at this point. She has every reason to be heartbroken
How have you possibly been together for TWO YEARS and never discussed marriage and children?? You're certainly not the AH for bringing it up now, when the issue was square on the table before you. But how did you imagine your relationship evolving? And if you didn't foresee marriage or children, how has that never been discussed before? Leave her. She wants a future that you aren't prepared to be a part of. I hope you can part friends, but please, get out of her way so she can pursue the future she wants.
You have been in a relationship for two years? And you just now are talking about your opinion on marriage and kids? These are things discussed early in the relationship. In your 20s, it makes sense if this isn't early dating conversation, but how did this not come up for 2 years?
NAH as long as you were not intentionally hiding or evading your position on marriage/kids. If it was never brought up till now, it is no more your fault than hers. You are entitled to your views, and she to hers. Just bear in mind marriage and kids are topics that are important enough to consider ending a relationship. If you don't see eye to eye on these topics, a long-term relationship is not viable.
23 and 25 are awfully young these days. By the same token I was 20 when I got married to the hood ornament the first time and 22 the second time around. we had our first child during the same year we got married the second time. We had our second child by the time we were 24. And I should have left the malignant narcissist after he insisted I carry the second one to term when my body kept trying to miscarry the entire pregnancy.
We actually stayed married 16 Years too long and I was abused for most of those years. Much like the OP neither of my children have wanted to get married and have children. My son is an admitted misogynist and can't stand children. He even says the person who would want to marry him is really sick. He is not marriage material.
My daughter on the other hand, that second child is bipolar type 1 rapid cycling and doesn't respond to medications. She says no child should grow up feeling like she does. Nor should they have to go through their teen years with Mom taking all the sharp knives to work in the trunk each day to keep them from killing themself. And or having to go to Grandma's to be watched over from 14 to 18, again for the same reason.
IMO neither one is the AH just young.
NAH. Maybe the two of you should have discussed this earlier but given your ages it's understandable that it didn't happen. You're at cross purposes in your relationship though, and she'll move on if she's smart.
You're probably not going to have a girlfriend by the end of the week. Definitely incompatible and people shouldn't bet on other people changing. Some people don't like wasting there time on someone if they don't have similar future plans.
NAH or E.S.H.
It's ok not to want the whole marriage and kids. It's ok to want marriage and kids.
It's not ok that you've been together for this long and not have already discussed this.
NTA because you started dating so young, but learn your lesson, and pls let her go and find someone who’s compatible with her views while she’s still young and got options, or you will be a major AH
Honesty is best for both of you. Ask her if your responses are a dealbreaker for her. (Probably is) Then best to part ways or live as friends with benefits. Another consideration is if anything happens to either of you, the other could not make medical decisions, burial, or get property of the other. Those things now go to your closest kin. Other than marriage you may consider having a binding legal agreement for such purposes.
TWO YEARS!!! SERIOUSLY!! It’s taken this long to have a serious conversation about marriage/children?? Yes you’re an AH (for not discussing this sooner)but if she’s waited this long to discuss it and is now pissed you’re not on the same page she’s an AH too.
Nta. You gave her an answer to her questions... unfortunately they werent the answers she wanted to hear.
Strange that the conversation didn't come up before though.
Sounds like you should have the "deal-breaker" conversation... now. She may still think that you two can stay together, hoping you might change your mind or that there might be an "accidental" baby/pregnancy, to keep you together.
Either way, you should probably be really careful about your contraception at this point.
NTA - People are whining that it took 2 years for the conversation - in this scenario, neither of them brought it up before. Now the conversation is done, the expectations are known and they can decide to move on.
You’re only an AH if you stay with her now. Y’all need to break up asap. Let her move on with someone who wants the same thing. And in your next relationship, you need to tell the woman before it gets too serious.
NTA, however you are not open about your future plans and feelings if this is the first time you have mentioned that you don't ever want to get married or have kids. Marriage and children are normal in most cultures, not wanting to due to personal experiences is more on the unusual side and therefore is something you should bring up earlier on in the relationship.
You need to figure out if this is something that is a hard no for you or a preference as if this is something your girlfriend wants it will most likely be a deal breaker for her. She is probably quite now as she is figuring out if this ends the relationship or not.
NTA - it's not that hard to see how someone might talk about future plans like what they want to do after college or career-wise or bucket list stuff without touching on something like marriage and kids. At least within the first couple of years. First year you are getting to know someone and figuring out if you want to really be in a relationship with them. Do you like them or do you love them, that sort of thing. Second year you are starting to tackle the bigger questions and figuring out what the future actually looks like and boom OP ran right into this issue.
At first I can see both people just assuming that the other one wants the same thing when they might be on the same page about a lot of other stuff. Honestly marriage seems like less of a deal breaker than kids but disagreements about either one can definitely kill a relationship.
If OP had been dating for 15 years and then decided no they didn't ever want to get married then I might give them shit but in this case the time frame isn't unreasonable. Unfortunately it likely means that the relationship has run it's course but OP is NTA for being honest with their GF now that the topic came up.
You and your girlfriend are so young. You have not even started to live your life yet. You are NTA at all. She could have brought it up as well. Two years is a long time to be together and at this point if you don’t feel the marriage vibes with her you won’t. I think you need to have a deep conversation about this and really understand that it might be hard but it could be time to find someone who feels the way you feel about this situation.
NTAH. You were honest about your opinions on marriage and children. Did you just assume that this issue would not come up? Probably, at your young age, you just didn’t feel the need to bring it up yet.
Now that it’s out in the open you should take precautions. Some women may try to trick you into becoming a father and, ultimately, into marriage. Perhaps you could consider a vasectomy. Also, your girlfriend may give you an ultimatum of accepting what she wants or she will leave, which is fair.
NTA-time to end this relationship gently but firmly. You've been leading her on and she deserves to find someone who wants marriage and children. Sorry bud.
Honestly, this was a conversation that needed to happen at some point. You both need to be on the same page. The relationship can be great now, but if she wants different things, she will grow to resent you. There are some people out there who never got married who lead happy lives. Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn never got married but they've been a couple for decades. Not everyone needs a paper and the government involved in their relationship. You both need to sit down and really talk about the things you want in the relationship and how you see your future though. NTA
Not the asshole, but now that is glaringly obvious you have different relationship goals than her, now is the time to break up, and let her find someone who does want marriage and kids.
You would be the asshole to continue on with the relationship knowing you want two different things
NTA for telling her what you want for your future. However, you will be a huge A if you stay in the relationship. You both deserve to be happy and live your lives as you see fit. Which is obviously not with each other.
Just wait. If your girlfriend doesn't move on, a day will come along and you'll feel entirely different about marriage. Couples need to feel as if they are working together towards a goal in life. You are telling her it's everyone for themselves.
Nobody is the AH. Both of you are not on the same page for future plans. I recommend breaking up and finding someone who is looking for something similar.
Love doesn’t solve all problems. You had the discussion and now you’re no longer compatible. It’s time to move on.
NTA. I have been in a similar situation. So i can really understand your point of view because i was there too. Your gf needs to understand the life you have been dealing with. It's also okay if things don't turn out great. Being truthfull is good in a relationship also you are still young and discovering your own preferences. Maybe it would be better if you have talked this in earlier stages of your relationship. You may consider a therapy for yourself or a couples therapy if both of you wants to make this work.
I came from a home in which divorce happened twice. I read several books on marriage and got some counseling. People tend to follow the example they had before them. I had some good examples in married couples I knew before getting married. I met with an older man for many years and it was very helpful. Working through issues can be painful but to be healthy one cannot relax and not mature. Today I help men and have noticed that those who have not matured and wear a mask have poor marriages. The first thing they must do is to admit they need help. It is easiest to help someone who knows they have a problem. Who would want a spouse whose maturity stayed at 20 and they were aged 50? Everyone in a marriage must mature emotionally. My wife and I have a much better marriage than both of our parents. I would say that our marriage is excellent. We have had to work though issues along the way. We have been married 43 years. There were times when it was difficult but we chose to stay and do what we could to be better people. They key is communication and becoming better people. The best marriages have difficulties. Today my wife and I are more in love than ever. I am definitely glad we stayed and did not give up. My wife is increasing attractive. I would never trade what I have in her for any other time or for anyone else. Life is much easier now. If in the beginning you take the hard road it will get easier later, but if you take the easy road now it will be harder later. If you ignore issues now then your relationship will get harder later. Many marriages fail because of false expectations.
INFO: How are you "open about your feelings and future plans" but it hasn't come up in TWO YEARS that you two want entirely different futures?
RIGHT!?!?!? I came here to ask the same thing.
Maybe neither asked each other? Maybe neither expressed their stance to the other? Seems like a NAH scenario. Also, they’ve been together 2 years. He was 21 and maybe wasn’t thinking long term yet. Men get married at ~30.5yo on average. It was probably too far out to consider.
Met my now husband when we were 21 and we talked about kids and marriage before we were even dating. Then again when we started dating. Then again when we talked about our “future plans” after graduating college. Most of our friends also talked about these subjects. I don’t think he’s an AH. I just think it’s strange that they both have such strong feelings on the subject , but it never came up while discussing their “future plans.”
You are an exception. Most couples in their early 20s are still figuring themselves out and not ready to get serious. I started talking with my husband about marriage & kids (I was 23, him 27) right away only because 1) his family was planning an arranged marriage 2) immigration status in our current country of residence. We’ve been married for 15yrs and I was the first of any of my friends to get married.
Almost all of my friends openly talked about marriage and kids in college in casual conversation about what our future plans were for after college.
I agree. My 19yr old has discussed this. Obviously, not planning on getting married right now but future plans, dreams, goals, etc have all come up in the 6 months they've been dating.
You’re viewing this in the lense of something that has happened and not something written by a non human entity
putting the AI in AITAH
I very much enjoy the presence of tortoises
It reads like ChatGPT had a stroke halfway through generating a shitpost.
Don’t get me wrong I like reading about the situations people get themselves into, but half of it is a straight up lie
What i love with ChatGPT stuff is when it keeps talking and essentially rambling.
There is a plus side to AI posts. There might be someone actually going through something similar and the responses on an AI post will give them something to think about!
I think op needs to reconsider what they think is ‘open about feelings and future plans’
Relationship's over. You're too old not to know you should mention it before you've been with someone for two years. You're NTA for telling her, YTA for telling her after two years. I'm the same, I don't want marriage or kids, but I say so from the beginning.
My "guideline" was 3 months. Doesn't mean I want kids now, doesn't mean I want marriage now, but if we are on radically different pages, we should find out now and sort our shit out. I 100% want marriage, no marriage is a deal breaker, I am ambivalent on kids. My partner was ambivalent about marriage, 100% did not want kids. So now 12 years later, still together, married, and no kids. But we sorted that shit out.
Counterpoint/Question: why is it specifically on OP to have brought this up? Wouldn’t the GF be equally expected to have brought this up at some point? Instead it seems she made the assumption that marriage and kids were a given if they stayed together long enough. I’m not saying he’s golden, but NTA for telling but YTA for not having done so in the past two years is perhaps a little “damned if you do damned if you don’t Edit: What I’m driving at is that “you’re NTA for X and YTA for Y” really just translates to “YTA” with extra steps. So it’s better to consider if they are *really* 100% YTA and then just say so, or if the YTA and NTA cancel out to NAH or feed off each other to ESH. Then pick whichever one thinks is appropriate.
I'd say at that young you wouldn't think to ask and especially her. She'd just assume marriage and kids were where they were heading. Especially after they've been together for a while and especially of he told her he loved her. I'd argue that the person who's feelings are outside the norm should be the one to bring it up and let the other person know where they stand.
What I’m driving at is that “you’re NTA for X and YTA for Y” really just translates to “YTA” with extra steps. So it’s better to consider if they are *really* 100% YTA and then just say so, or if the YTA and NTA cancel out to NAH or feed off each other to ESH. Then pick whichever one thinks is appropriate. Personally, I called this one NAH and just unfortunate all around. While I agree that the person who is deviating from the prevailing societal default has the onus to make that known, I think they’re both young enough that it’s a lesson (painfully) learned. They both now know that this is something to hash out sooner rather than later in the next relationship. (I pretty much assume *this* relationship is done for.)
Two years ago he was 21. I’m sorry, but it’s unreasonable to say 21 year olds should be talking about marriage and kids on their first dates. If you’re 31, sure, those cards should be on the table; but next no nobody is dating for marriage and kids at that age. Heck, you’re far more likely to have a whoopsie baby and shotgun marriage with the person you started dating at 21.
21 may seem young, but I didn't know anyone who didn't have a general idea if they wanted to be married and have kids in their future. The key word: future.
Then you dealt with very different 21 year old males than the average 21 year old male.
They are young and they were two years younger back then. At 23 your mind is in getting your life on track and not in marriage and children. He made clear when she asked. NTA.
>*You're too old not to know you should mention it before you've been with someone for two years.* Same applies to her, ESPECIALLY her considering SHE'S the one for who apparently "*it's really important*" to her. How does she go two years in a relationship and a '*very important*' thing isn't brought up ? She's just as much of an AH for presuming, without making sure, they were on the same page, why does he have to be the mind reader, and not her ?
I think making OP the only asshole because he didn't tell her is unfair; why should it be his, and only his, responsibility to make that clear since the beginning? It's not like not wanting to get married or kids is such a rare thing nowadays. If you're saying OP is old enough to know better, OP's gf is even more so. That said, yeah, this is a wrap.
I was thinking the same thing. She also could have started this conversation long ago.
How could they not know these things about one another? It seems like this relationship is a bad fit on so many levels.
Typical reason to go into a relationship is to see if they are compatible to be married.
Why is it his responsibility only? It sounds like she hadn’t told him marriage and kids were important until this conversation. Men get married at 30.5 on average (in the US). They met when he was 21yo. To put all the responsibility of broaching the subject of marriage and kids is unreasonable. NAH.
He's too old to not know ?? He's freaking 23 years old and 2 years ago he was 21 when the relationship started of course his mind wasn't on marriage and kids he's still a kid himself
[удалено]
Well they were way too young so some of these things could be skipped. But yeah they should not waste each other’s time
This is a ESH scenario. While both of you are young, so I can see how the topic of marriage and children haven’t been at the forefront of your mind, this is something that DEFINITELY should have come up in TWO years. In your next relationship, make sure you’re clearing upfront that you have no intentions of marrying or having children so that you can make sure you find the right partner
This is a good lesson to learn in one’s early 20s. When my most recent boyfriend and I began dating, we hadn’t even known each other for 48 hours before he asked about my thoughts on marriage, gender roles within a marriage, kids, etc. We were in our early/mid 30s and I was terribly impressed by his forthrightness.
This is exactly the comment!!! I don't understand why people are saying this is reasonable because they're young. I started dating my girlfriend when we were 16 and 17 and I distinctly remember discussing if we'd be open to marriage and kids in the future even at that age. Of course we were aware things could change as we got older, but we still had discussions about it from the beginning. 21 is still young, sure, but it's not young enough to have literally zero idea what your plans in life are. Plus, regardless of how old or young you are, two years is a lot of time. I really don't understand how this could NEVER come up in that amount of time. I'm honestly leaning toward this being a fake story because I just don't understand how at NO POINT were they watching a movie about kids and said "wow I never want to do that" or something. Just think about how many conversations you have with someone in 2 years!!!
No, you aren’t however the fact that you didn’t bring it up before makes you kinda of ass.
How do you not have that conversation in, like, the first 6mos?
I think so too, but I'm on the side of ESH. she should also have brought it up,can't blame only him
I say NAH. They are both VERY inexperienced. They started dating when he was 21 and she was 23. It's okay not to immediately think of marriage in that age.
we live in a world where marriage is the assumed result of a serious, long term relationship. the one going against that norm should say that
That really depends on cultural context.
Maybe,but a lot more people are going against that norm. Also,she shouldn't just base her life on an assumption imo
Just because its not the norm on reddit doesn't mean its not the norm in the wider world. \~90% of people still want to be married.
They haven't even been dating for two years yet. To be fair, he's not interested in those things, therefore he most likely doesn't think about them. On the other hand his GF does want those things, she should have brought it up sooner if she wanted to know sooner. Also he's 23, he's really young to be thinking about those things even if he wanted them. I'm going with NTA. It's best she finds out now and can find someone who's on the same page.
IDK who is at fault so I will say neither. It is possible that you will want marriage and a family when you are older. You might change your mind. That said, your GF has every right to be upset. I think the timing with you two is off. Let her go. She needs to find a man who is on the same time line. Sometimes you can meet the right person at the wrong time, which really sucks. But it happens.
NTA for having those feelings, but you really should have told her this when you started dating. She will most likely break it off now, but you could have saved her 2 years. On the flip side, at least you told her and didn't wait till you've been together longer.
I’m actually gonna go with a slight YTA. If you don’t want to get married or have kids that’s fine but it’s something you should disclose early so that someone doesn’t waste two years dating you.
How have you been together for two years and NEVER discussed this? My wife and I had this discussion by the 3rd date, because we really liked each other, and wanted to see if we had similar life goals. ESH for shit communication.
NTA Sad results, but honesty is the best policy. FWIW, if you do really care about her, ending this obvious deadend relationship, would be the kinder thing to do. I say this because: 1-You are not going to change your mind. 2-She is not going to change her mind. 3-If you stay, hoping she will agree to your position, she will not. 4-If she stays, she will likely try to change you or she will hope you will change in the future, and if you will not, it will explode apart. I know this, as I had to come to grips with this same type thing early into my marriage, and thankfully, I changed my mind and we have 2 excellent young sons 16-20 range, and I am so glad I changed, but that is not likely your path or future. So please be aware how serious these two matters are to her. And if YOU utterly will not & cannot see yourself changing, do NOT hurt her heart anymore by staying in this deadend relationship, as there is NO future in it for you, and especially for her. Hope this helps. FYI 30+ years married. FYI 50+ years old. Best and kind regards.
NTA and neither is she but it's ridiculous that you lasted 2 years into a relationship without telling the other person you never want to get married or have kids. Do the right thing and end it now. You two were never compatible and in the future these are things you should be discussing much earlier in your relationship.
Like literally early dating stages conversation. So that you don't enter a relationship that is doomed to fail.
NTA at all. It’s understandable she’s hurt, you just crushed her dreams (completely unintentionally). But the sooner she knows how you feel about those things, the better.
Yta for not mentioning this 18 months ago
I wouldn’t call you anything other than “The ex-boyfriend”
Nope, you both aren’t comparable. You both should break up, at least break up with her.
Perhaps it’s time to call a spade a spade and end the relationship that will never get to a place you both want it to. NTA
Just bite the bullet and end the relationship. You two are not compatible on either marriage or kids. All you are doing now is wasting both her and your time.
ESH for not getting a sense of each other's long term plans after 2 years.
NAH, but you're incompatible and should pack it in before either of you gets hurt worse.
No. She asked and you gave her an honest response. NTA. You would only be an AH if you insincerely told her what she wanted to hear with no intention of following through. If she wants to be married and have kids, she will have to find someone else and better to know now than later.
Exactly. I think people get into relationships because it's right at the time for those circumstances (especially in your early 20s), and that can change, and you don't have to have it all figured out. I am a VASTLY different person at almost 40 than I was at 23. At that age, I wanted no kids, no marriage. Now I have two kids (who I love dearly) and my marriage is hanging on by a thread / we're working on it. You're never TA when you give an honest answer to the newly asked question "do you want \[something\]". If there is a mismatch that went undetected, that doesn't make anyone the asshole, maybe it "should've" come up sooner, but the emotionally mature thing to do is be sad about the misaligned goals, and decided if you are willing to change your goals to maintain the relationship. You can love someone and have different goals, and the most loving thing you can do is let them go to pursue their goals. It's hard when someone's goals include you as a unique individual and you don't share that goal. That's not an asshole thing, it just sucks. Hard to maintain a friendship, but it's not impossible, either. That sucks for OP. Sympathy. But also it's good to be open and honest. I got married cuz I felt like I was supposed to / thought I wanted it, and I am definitely not doing it again, regardless: I don't think I'm ultimately cut out for that, or my wife and I have mismatched goals/expectations that were not clear to us before we got married and had our first kid. I didn't plan to have kids, but I also was open to it "if it happens, it happens", and I don't regret that.
Pretty much the same for me. In my 20s I never wanted any kids either. Later on, I would have been fine with it, but my father developer severe health issues in his 40s and I said if it happens, it happens, but if it didn't happen by the time I was 35, then no kids. I got past that age and was still in good health, but then I fell in love with a woman older than me. And I chose love over ever having a family. So now she's 62 and I am 51, and we're just "Aunt Kay and Uncle John" to everyone else's kids. Except at Christmas, when we're Mr. and Mrs. Claus (and we totally look the part!). No regrets. Kids weren't meant to be for me. The woman in OP's scenario is fortunate enough that she can decide at 25 and not in her 40s, like I did.
This is probably something you should have discussed when you guys became exclusive. If she wants marriage and children, you're basically wasting her time. I, female, now in my 70s, did not want children and made sure guys who were getting serious knew that. And I lost a really good guy that way. But it wasn't fair to him not to tell him. I never had children and still think it was the best decision of my life.
ESH. This is a conversation you both should have had 2 years ago. You can’t be that open with each other if you’ve never had this type of convo.
NTA, but she would be justified in ending the relationship if her vision of the future does not line up with yours. Don't think of it as punitive if it happens. It's just a mismatch of desires. Try to be kind and understanding if she decides to leave. Alternatively, if she is important to you, you may consider reevaluating your own vision of the future.
How the fuck do you date someone for **two years** without even mentioning views on marriage **or** kids? Have you ever had a serious conversation in your life?
Things are tense and your GF is distant because she probably feels like she has wasted the past 2 years of her life. The relationship is over.
I’m a marriage-free childfree person and so is my partner. It should be told right out of the gate if possible. I told my partner this before we got together; “If you want to be married or be a parent of any child; you need to move on”. We’ve been together for years with no issues. He knew going into it. I suggest the same for you. You have incompatible goals.
She's angry and distant because she's mourning a death. The death of her vision of her life with you, her future. I doubt you'll stay together, not because you did something wrong, but because you are deeply and fundamentally incompatible, and now the 2 of you know it. The divide really could not be any bigger between the 2 of you. There's no compromise I can see between staying single yet getting married, and even less between remaining childless yet having children. Each of these is either/or, and both of them together is even MORE either/or. Some people have been able to compromise on one or the other... such as getting married, but adamantly childless..... I've never run across anyone willing to give up on BOTH positions. You are NOT the asshole for telling her, and she is NOT the asshole for mourning. But really, how did this never come up in 2 years??? Especially when you claim you are open about future plans.
NTA. These are non-negotiables for a lot of relationships. It's really surprising you've been together for 2 years and marriage/kids never came up. This is by no means your problem. If this was so important to your girlfriend, she should have mentioned them and ended the relationship a lot sooner. Some advice, be vocal about your feelings on marriage and kids with your future girlfriends. End your current relationship. If you're really sure about not getting married/having kids, you'll just continue hurting your girlfriend staying in this relationship. It'll be painful, but you can both find people who fit your life plan better.
To quote a great movie title - Never say never. The story behind that is interesting, but that's for another time. My girlfriend and I had no intentions whatsoever to get married at ANY point in time. People change when they get married (usually for the worse), and besides, she'd already been married and had a kid, I had no desire to get married, and had no desire to sire any kids. I had no problem with her having a kid, and no problem helping raise him, so it was perfect. A decade later, everything is going fine, except it's really getting old introducing her as my girlfriend of ten years (just get married already!), but even that was not enough to change our minds about marriage. Then we got involved in a business where it really was advantageous to be married, so we thought "Sure - why not, if it helps our business". We got married, and to my surprise, the relationship did not crumble. It did change, but actually for the better, and now I see it as the best thing I could ever have done. We just celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary - 44 years together, so maybe this thing is going to last. And it gets better every year. Are we blissfully happy? Oh, hell no! Well, not always. Sometimes yes, but we get very angry with each other sometimes, and that's what you eventually figure out. It's never permanent happiness, but hopefully you get to the point where you realize this person is always on your side, and always will be, and you are the same for her, and you realize that there are ups and downs in life, and you help each other get through them. You may never get married, but don't rule it out. Or, as my wife just said: "23? What the fuck do they know about 'never'?" See? she can still make me laugh, and that's why we're still together, and probably always will.
NTA for telling her. But YTAH bc you waited so long to tell her. It's is a societal standard to get married. I am not saying that you should, I am just saying that most people expect this. Especially women. A lot of people see dating as a step toward marriage. Or at least women do. So the fact you have been with her for 2 years and this hasn't come up. This makes you the AH. Bc if it were me, and I wanted to get married and have kids. It would make it feel like these past 2 years have been a waste of my time. That sounds harsh. But women can only have children for so long. And if they want to ensure they are having that with the right partner; first comes daring, then marriage, and then children. This process takes years. She does share some of this blame, tho. Bc either one of you could have started this conversation. And it's an important one to have. And neither of you did. And now you just found out you're not compatible as a couple.
YTA for not telling her for so long. FWIW, my family has a pretty significant failure rate with marriage too. Learning from their mistakes, my married life is far better than theirs was at my age. You can take a hard line and say you'll never get married, and probably lose the vast majority of good women in your future over it, or you can choose to do marriage better than your predecessors and break the cycle that way. Either way, communicating that up front is kind of a requirement to not being an AH
go find a girl who also doesn’t want to get married (you’re going to have to lower your bar a lot, also can i have anna’s number)
Doesn’t want marriage and also doesn’t want kids. Just eliminating like 98% of options right off the rip lol. One or the other ok but damn there aren’t a plethora of girls that want neither.
Info: did you know prior to this that your gf wanted kids and to be married?
NAH but it should have been discussed before this point as marriage and kids are massive things and the two of you are not compatible. That’s not just on you but also her as well, just to be clear
Marriage (and the legal and financial protections that go with it) and children are pretty major values goals. If you've always known this was what you didn't want, stringing a woman along for two years is an asshole thing to do. Expect to break up over this.
As long as you didn't wait the two years to make certain she's attached to you before dropping the news, NTA. If you did wait for that reason, YTA. In any event, she's currently emotionally distancing herself from you. It might take a bit of time, but the breakup is imminent, so prepare yourself. And please don't gaslight or manipulate her. She wants marriage and kids. Let her go so she can get what she wants from life.
Updateme!
NTA, but it sounds like you are looking for different things so your relationship may not work out. Idk if you've thought about marriage from this perspective before, but when you say "I will never marry you," that is a way of saying "I have no definite plans to NOT be with you, but I also am never going to count out that possibility." Seriously, that is what it means. Or, perhaps more cynically "You'll do for now, but who knows how either of us will feel in the future, or whether something better will come along for me." Marriage is where you swear in front of your friends and family that you will try your upmost to love, support, and remain emotionally and sexually faithful to that person for as long as you live, no matter what comes your way. If that's not a possibility you want to explore with her, it's good you told her.
NTA you did the right thing by being honest and not letting her hope for a future with you which will never happen. Now she needs to decide if marriage and a family are important enough to her to leave you and find someone who is on the same page or not.
1. 2 years and yall are talking about this now? That’s a topic for the first couple of dates, my partner and I laid down the cards on the table the second date. 2. Yall clearly weren’t open about future plans cause otherwise this wouldn’t be a shock to both of you. 3. The relationship is over. Cause now it means one has to compromise and that means that one is going to resent the other . 4. I see a lot of people saying “they’re young…” , I was 19 when I started dating my now husband and we put the cards on the table on the second date. We’ve been together for 6.5+ years now.
INFO: Was there ever a time these topics came up, and you didn’t tell her your views? In two years, has she never made a comment like “I wouldn’t want to have all my bridesmaids in matching dresses like in the tv show we’re watching, I’m just going to pick a color and let them get dresses they like,” or “I’ve always wanted to have a daughter named Susan,” or “I picked my career in part because it has regular hours, and I wouldn’t want to be working tons of overtime as a parent”? Or even, “my mom is a bitch, but I think she’ll mellow out when she’s a grandma”? Because I find it hard to believe you’ve been together for two years, assuming you speak to each other regularly, and it’s never come up.
NTA. You don't want kids. It's the truth But I can't believe that the subject hasn't come up in two years. Surely the two of you had some discussions around the subject of the future and your expectations. Surely? This should not have been a surprise to her. She wants something different and she will leave you. She's probably just mourning the loss of the future she thought she had with you. Once she processes it, she'll move on.
Before the first date I would clarify future plans. It helps avoid wasting time, this is a perfect example here. Let her go find the person she's going to be with, look for someone with the same game plan as yourself, and talk about it early on.
NTAH, but how do have a girlfriend for two years and never say you do not want marriage or kids, 2 years? Marriage is obsolete, legitimizing heirs, health care, and property ownership can be handled with contracts. I find it hard to believe having children never came up in 2 years. I told my wife in the first 15 minutes of our first date that I wanted kids. Cut her loose if you do not see at least children and forever in her eyes. Do it now.
NAH while you both probably should have talked about the basics of what you wanted in life before two years into a relationship, you’re not an asshole for wanting different things. That having been said, you should probably get pretty used to calling her your ex girlfriend given you two have contradictory life goals, and you probably both should learn to discuss things like this sooner in future relationships.
"Should I have handled the situation differently?" Yes. You should have mentioned this by the third date.
You're 23, and 21 when you started dating her, so I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here for being young and stupid. People generally date to find the person they want to settle down and start a family with. IF YOU DON'T PLAN TO MARRY OR HAVE KIDS, THAT'S A FIRST-COUPLE-OF-DATES-DISCUSSION. You are absolutely TA for not telling her sometime in the past 2 years that she's wasting her time with you. If your parents had this level of common sense and communication, I'm not surprised their marriages were "rocky".
NTA for being honest with her. With that being said, even if you have been upfront over the past 2 years about your views, she may have been expecting that your views will change as you mature and your relationship grows. Are you prepared to lose the relationship over this? As someone that have been in similar place as you, taking the step to marriage and kids is tough and scary. I wanted to avoid it and managed to for 10 and 13 years. Now with 2 kids, I wouldn't change it for anything. My focus is to give my kids the home that I wanted and deserved as a child so that they don't have the baggage that I carry. You will likely never feel different or "ready" for the next step and nothing in life is guaranteed. But if you are in a positive relationship and share values, you are well ahead of the curve.
NAH, you’re not compatible. Marriage and children are not decisions that can be compromised, you cannot be half married or have half a child. I’m sorry it has worked out this way and stunned it took two years for this conversation to happen, but this relationship is not going to work out. In the future, be upfront about it before you’ve sunk two years into a relationship with someone whose plans for the future do not align with your own.
No you are NTA for not wanting to get married or have children... However you are TA for not being clear about it in the first 6 months.
NTA but you will be breaking up. Your personal goals and desires cannot be met and neither can hers. You should have mentioned that you don't want to ever be married or have kids by the third date. In the future wear a T-shirt that states that you will never marry or have kids if you can't manage the words in a conversation.
YTA for not making this known much sooner. You pissed away two yearsvof her life. Let her go now so she wont waste any more time.
NTA, but you should have told anyone you date that you’re never getting married or having kids. She’s spent two years getting attached to a man who’s unsuitable for her. Do not allow her to give up her dream of marriage and kids to stay with you, because she’s attached, because she’ll resent you for it. From now on, be upfront about this. It’s a major compatibility point.
YTA for not discussing it earlier. If those things are important to her your relationship is basically over. You have different life goals and views on major things. Either you break up or one suffers for not having the life they wanted
NTA It's better to be honest about your intentions.
Two years in and you're *just now* talking about this ?
NTA - Just be ready for when she dumps you to find a guy who will give her what she wants. You just have to decide if this is the hill you want to kill your relationship on.
You're not necessarily the AH, and yes, you are right to be up front with her about what your beliefs and future will look like. It just sucks because she sees hers differently. Honestly, if you and she both are not willing to compromise, it's better to let her break it off with you. She is figuring it out right now, and you're just going to have to be patient and embrace for impact.
OK you're not an asshole, you are just young & know nothing about real life. That woman deserves to be investing her time & attention, care & cultivation, in a man who is ready to stand up and be the one she needs to manifest the destiny of life. She wants to reproduce and she needs a partner who would be thrilled to join her in this journey. Be very kind, show whatever manners you have learned, and gently wish her well as she leaves you for a safe harbor.
NTA. I am a child of divorce. I’ve been with my husband for 35 years. Marrying the right person is the most important thing. Now that she has told you it’s important to her and you’re not in she will have the chance to move on.
I think i'm leaning more on YTA because as much as your girlfriends reaction was a little over the top, you also have to consider her feelings. Wasting two years on a relationship that might get no where is honestly emotionly crushing easpecially since she seemed excited thinking of a future with you...
So you live with her....what is a ring and certificate gonna do to change your relationship that would make it not work out?
She wants kids someday. He doesn't. That alone means there is no point in continuing the relationship. That's a fundamental incompatibility that can't be worked through. There's no compromise position in having kids.
YTA. The marriage conversation is one you should have had in the first couple of months of dating and not two years in.
YTA But not because of how you feel, or even how you view marriage. Only because you didn’t mention this in the beginning!
NAH, you just both want different things. However, how did this never come up in the 2 years you've been dating? Its not like you just started seeing each other, you've been together a while, so its pretty odd that the subjects have never once come up before.
YTA! I'm almost certain you already knew her views on marriage and children. You said so yourself, you've had a great relationship with open communication so she must have brought that up at some point. You strung her along probably just to get her pants without having to commit to the long term expectations of the relationship. So, let's pretend you had no idea these views were hershort and long term plans, just let her go. You are not a man for her because she wants a loyal and commited man.
2 years is a long time to not have these conversations. ESH
Yeah you should end it if that’s how you feel. But if you actually love this woman, then marriage shouldn’t be a problem. I know historically you haven’t seen good marriages, but neither have I and getting married was one of the best things I did. Same with kids. I was scared but now spending time with my son is my favorite thing in the world.
Honesty is the policy. The two of you have different life goals. This is a big one. The two of you are no longer compatible. She wants a ring, and kids. You don't. Don't string her along.
Your allowed to not want to get married and she's allowed to have that be a deal breaker. Let her go find someone who wants to marry her.
Yes, you are. That should have been brought up from beginning, not 2 years later. Common long term goals.
NAH. You were 21 and she was 23 when you started dating. In large parts of the world (yes, this depends a lot on cultural context), people at that age don't really think of marriage. From my experience, talk of marriage should start between the ages of 23 and 30, after about 1 or 2 years of relationship. If at that point you realise you have different objectives in life, than you should break up so both of you can look for someone with similar goals. If you lie to her and string her along, than you'd be the AH. If she used emotional blackmail to coerce you into marriage, she's the AH. But, from what you told us here, my vote is NAH.
YTA. This girl wasted two years of her life with someone who has completely different goals than her. This is something I ask on a first date. There's no point in dating people you're incompatible with.
2 years and this is the first time yall even talked about it??
Actually you're already at the later part. The now would've been two years ago not two years later. Open about future plans my butt. Or did one of you just assume you'd change the other's mind about what they want?
You’re a child who still has a long way to go. Maybe you will change your mindset, maybe you won’t. Either way, you need to lead with that info before getting into any future relationships. This relationship is toast. Good luck
It's good you told her. Now, she can make an informed decision and either dump you for someone willing to make a commitment, you let her go nicely, or get into pre marriage counseling.
Anyone calling you the asshole are on some fucking drugs, people saying ESH have it right. Either one of you could have initiated this conversation sooner so it’s both your faults. No ones the asshole but y’all need to learn from this, this is like a 4th or 5th date topic
NTA but you should be prepared for what is very likely about to happen. She is going to break up with you. Do not try to drag her back with fake promises of marrying her to keep her. If you are both set on your aspect of marriage then it won't work. It sucks but some times you can have 2 people who love each other but who's life goals do not match up. Some things just can't be compromised. Be upfront in your next relationship to save of future heartbreak
NTA Time to find a new girlfriend, she wants and husband and father and that ain't you so time to go your separate ways.
Well, you are the asshole for not bringing this up before. You must have known that this was coming and you were just hoping that through the sunk cost fallacy she would overlook it and stay with you anyways. You don’t need to want to get married, but she deserves somebody who does
Then she should have brought up marriage kids from the start then.
NTA, but why are you locking yourself in? You may change your mind multiple times over the next few years. That being said, I am surprised that you waited 2 years to let her in on something important.
There are things that you were willing to do for love at the age of 33 that you might not be willing to do for love at the age of 23.
You handled it fine and so did she. Both of you will now have to figure out if this is a deal breaker or not for your relationship. Better to face this head on than to avoid it as it will come to a head sooner or later
Well, no need to continue this relationship any further right?
How did you waste two years of your lives without EVER discussing this?
NTA, but also very confused about why you didn't talk about this until two years in.
YTA for not being up front. 2 years is way too long for this information to be hidden from your girlfriend (if this was the first time she learned of your feelings about marriage).
You are completely wrong for each other and she just figured it out… Your relationship is over. NTA for not wanting marriage/kids. You both suck that this never came up before.
NAH, no one is at fault but you want different things in life. The marriage is... well maybe some compromise and further discussion needed, but the children/family thing is a dead end. If these issues are non-negotiable, then stop wasting each other's time, it was good you were clear about this.
NAH. You don’t want marriage and she wants it. It’s time to end the relationship. You would be the asshole if you continue dragging her along wasting her time
NAH but in the future, talk about this early on. You were 21 when you got together so I get how ya'll missed that, but now you know.
NAH Your relationship is probably done; she wants marriage and kids, while you don’t want either. But you knew that. You should’ve brought this up earlier, but she could’ve also asked earlier. You didn’t take into account that your viewpoint, while perfectly acceptable, is not the societal default. On the other hand, she seems to have made the fatal mistake of just assuming that marriage and kids would follow staying with the same guy long enough. Next time, clue your partner in on your marriage and kids position as soon as the relationship becomes dedicated/serious. Don’t wait around on things that are known common dealbreakers. And hopefully your next partner will also do you the courtesy of considering these things closer to the outside as well.
No it’s better that you did. She’s probably upset as she’s coming to terms with the relationship being over, I hope you know your relationship even if it didn’t officially end is. Definitely 100% over when she comes to terms with her need to have a spouse and a child. Her clock is ticking and she knows it
You're having this conversation 23 months too late
You're both ta for not communicating what u want / don't want in the future
Unless this is a two year fling for you then I have no idea how you haven’t dicussed some of the most important long term topic in **TWO YEARS!!**
YTA for not bringing up the fact that you don’t want what the vast majority of people want from a relationship when y’all first got serious. And just some words of wisdom, you’re very young and there’s a good chance you’ll change your mind on some things. First off, divorce isn’t genetic. Your parents’ divorce has zero to do with your relationship. Your options for a partner are going to be severely limited if you insist on no kids and no marriage. Break up with her and let her go find someone who will give her what she wants, and you can go find someone you want. Just be sure you get your wants out of the way early next time.
You need to break up. It's not just about what YOU want. If you care about her at all, then set her free to go find a partner who is willing to give her what SHE dreams of with marriage and kids. Stop wasting her time. Time can be different for women than men on the kids' topic. You need to be upfront with this with any future people you date. YTA
Well, it took two years for you to figure out you’re totally incompatible, but now you know. It sucks. You’re NTA— it’s good it finally came up. But next time maybe figure out if you are compatible with someone before getting serious and investing years into each other and a relationship.
ESH for waiting so long for this to come up. Hope claiming you're both open with your feelings and yet you've gone 2 years without ever even remotely discussing your future plans? I could understand if you said you'd be been dating 2 months, but 2 years??
NTA you were truthful and now she will make her choice. This is your hill and now you have to live with the outcome. Do you think she is going to stay with you?
I don't think you're the AH, but be prepared for things to change. Obviously, you two are incompatible, each wanting something different in a relationship..Best to have a real heart to heart talk and make plans to go your separate ways. The worst thing you two can do is stay in the relationship, hoping the other will change their mind.
NTA. Only way you’d be the asshole is if you had told her before that you did want to get married. If it’s never come up in conversation before that isn’t your fault. If you were 35 I’d say you should have told her upfront, but you were 21 when you started dating.
My boyfriend and I knew we wanted marriage and no kids when we _got together._ There's no way you guys waited two years for this.
Two years and you all never talked about marriage……….. You’re both morons.
This needs to be discussed early on. If you don’t wanna marry or have kids, this is a big deal and it’s highly likely your partner might not have the same thoughts. You’re NTA for your choice, however, both of you are to be blamed for just assuming that your thoughts are what your partner’s thoughts are.
You told jer the truth. The truth is all you need to say. My daughter is having issues about this because her dad and i have had a very rocky relationship and he has a temper Her really nice boyfriend wants to get married and have kids but she is not ready and/or does not want to be like her parents. Makes me so sad. Our marriage is and was an embarrassment
you are not compatible, both of you need to find new partners, and in the future let your new partner know you don't want marriage or kids in the first few months.
NTA, but you need to accept and let her walk away if she chooses to, because your future plans no longer align.
NAH. Just break up so y’all can find people you’re more compatible with
NTA. You’re just not compatible. She wants marriage and kids. You don’t want marriage and kids. YWBTA if you try to stay together.
I’m sorry you’ve had so many bad experience with marriage and I’m sure you’re coming from a place of fear of possibly experiencing your own marriage failures. I know you didn’t mean to hurt your gf, and I’m sure deep down she knows that. I just want to say my husband and I have been together 10 years, married 5, and our marriage is far from perfect, but it’s ok because we love each other and we communicate our needs and feelings. Remember, you and your gf are your own people. You are not your parents, your friends, or neighbors. You are you, and she is she, and I’m sure you both are capable of love, compassion, and commitment. If your gf is good and you trust her and you have love for each other, then don’t be afraid to marry her. Idk if you’re spiritual, but Jesus said, “Love one another, as I have loved you.” His love is unconditional and given freely without cause to hurt. If you love your wife how God loves us all, that love will shine through and prevail over all the bad things that try to come into your marriage, every time.
So you’ve been dating for 2 years and possibly living together currently and not once has this ever came up? Are you sure you were open and honest about the future; because it seems as though you both had extremely different expectations. NTA for telling her However YTA for waiting 2 years and living together before talking about the future you want in general. This living together is because you said she asked you about marriage after “when we got home” Making it seem like you two have been living together long enough to say it’s both of your home.
This conversation should have been had in the beginning of the relationship not two years after there has been so much bonding. This girl went in with hopes and dreams for a future family and over time she imagined it with you. All of that has been robbed from her at this point. She has every reason to be heartbroken
How have you possibly been together for TWO YEARS and never discussed marriage and children?? You're certainly not the AH for bringing it up now, when the issue was square on the table before you. But how did you imagine your relationship evolving? And if you didn't foresee marriage or children, how has that never been discussed before? Leave her. She wants a future that you aren't prepared to be a part of. I hope you can part friends, but please, get out of her way so she can pursue the future she wants.
Run. That relationship and future she wants are not for you and your future.
Smart. Marriage bad deal for men. NTA.
You have been in a relationship for two years? And you just now are talking about your opinion on marriage and kids? These are things discussed early in the relationship. In your 20s, it makes sense if this isn't early dating conversation, but how did this not come up for 2 years? NAH as long as you were not intentionally hiding or evading your position on marriage/kids. If it was never brought up till now, it is no more your fault than hers. You are entitled to your views, and she to hers. Just bear in mind marriage and kids are topics that are important enough to consider ending a relationship. If you don't see eye to eye on these topics, a long-term relationship is not viable.
23 and 25 are awfully young these days. By the same token I was 20 when I got married to the hood ornament the first time and 22 the second time around. we had our first child during the same year we got married the second time. We had our second child by the time we were 24. And I should have left the malignant narcissist after he insisted I carry the second one to term when my body kept trying to miscarry the entire pregnancy. We actually stayed married 16 Years too long and I was abused for most of those years. Much like the OP neither of my children have wanted to get married and have children. My son is an admitted misogynist and can't stand children. He even says the person who would want to marry him is really sick. He is not marriage material. My daughter on the other hand, that second child is bipolar type 1 rapid cycling and doesn't respond to medications. She says no child should grow up feeling like she does. Nor should they have to go through their teen years with Mom taking all the sharp knives to work in the trunk each day to keep them from killing themself. And or having to go to Grandma's to be watched over from 14 to 18, again for the same reason. IMO neither one is the AH just young.
She should leave you because you are useless to her. No reason to keep someone like you around.
NAH. Maybe the two of you should have discussed this earlier but given your ages it's understandable that it didn't happen. You're at cross purposes in your relationship though, and she'll move on if she's smart.
You're probably not going to have a girlfriend by the end of the week. Definitely incompatible and people shouldn't bet on other people changing. Some people don't like wasting there time on someone if they don't have similar future plans.
Although you're being honest, you should break up. She wants a life that you don't want. You both need to move on.
This should have come up before, now you are 2 years in, not compatible at all in how future is seen, what a waste of time for you both
NAH or E.S.H. It's ok not to want the whole marriage and kids. It's ok to want marriage and kids. It's not ok that you've been together for this long and not have already discussed this.
NTA because you started dating so young, but learn your lesson, and pls let her go and find someone who’s compatible with her views while she’s still young and got options, or you will be a major AH
NTA
Honesty is best for both of you. Ask her if your responses are a dealbreaker for her. (Probably is) Then best to part ways or live as friends with benefits. Another consideration is if anything happens to either of you, the other could not make medical decisions, burial, or get property of the other. Those things now go to your closest kin. Other than marriage you may consider having a binding legal agreement for such purposes.
TWO YEARS!!! SERIOUSLY!! It’s taken this long to have a serious conversation about marriage/children?? Yes you’re an AH (for not discussing this sooner)but if she’s waited this long to discuss it and is now pissed you’re not on the same page she’s an AH too.
Nta. You gave her an answer to her questions... unfortunately they werent the answers she wanted to hear. Strange that the conversation didn't come up before though. Sounds like you should have the "deal-breaker" conversation... now. She may still think that you two can stay together, hoping you might change your mind or that there might be an "accidental" baby/pregnancy, to keep you together. Either way, you should probably be really careful about your contraception at this point.
Better to be honest now than to spring it on her 20 years later. Just surprised it hasn't been discussed until now.
NTA - People are whining that it took 2 years for the conversation - in this scenario, neither of them brought it up before. Now the conversation is done, the expectations are known and they can decide to move on.
You’re only an AH if you stay with her now. Y’all need to break up asap. Let her move on with someone who wants the same thing. And in your next relationship, you need to tell the woman before it gets too serious.
I think if your not ready for marriage it’s good to tell her now then later so she won’t be blindsided good luck stay blessed 🙏🏾
NAH just remember. You now see that you have different goals.
NTA, however you are not open about your future plans and feelings if this is the first time you have mentioned that you don't ever want to get married or have kids. Marriage and children are normal in most cultures, not wanting to due to personal experiences is more on the unusual side and therefore is something you should bring up earlier on in the relationship. You need to figure out if this is something that is a hard no for you or a preference as if this is something your girlfriend wants it will most likely be a deal breaker for her. She is probably quite now as she is figuring out if this ends the relationship or not.
NTA - it's not that hard to see how someone might talk about future plans like what they want to do after college or career-wise or bucket list stuff without touching on something like marriage and kids. At least within the first couple of years. First year you are getting to know someone and figuring out if you want to really be in a relationship with them. Do you like them or do you love them, that sort of thing. Second year you are starting to tackle the bigger questions and figuring out what the future actually looks like and boom OP ran right into this issue. At first I can see both people just assuming that the other one wants the same thing when they might be on the same page about a lot of other stuff. Honestly marriage seems like less of a deal breaker than kids but disagreements about either one can definitely kill a relationship. If OP had been dating for 15 years and then decided no they didn't ever want to get married then I might give them shit but in this case the time frame isn't unreasonable. Unfortunately it likely means that the relationship has run it's course but OP is NTA for being honest with their GF now that the topic came up.
You and your girlfriend are so young. You have not even started to live your life yet. You are NTA at all. She could have brought it up as well. Two years is a long time to be together and at this point if you don’t feel the marriage vibes with her you won’t. I think you need to have a deep conversation about this and really understand that it might be hard but it could be time to find someone who feels the way you feel about this situation.
you want very different lives, so it's time for both of you to move on.
NTAH. You were honest about your opinions on marriage and children. Did you just assume that this issue would not come up? Probably, at your young age, you just didn’t feel the need to bring it up yet. Now that it’s out in the open you should take precautions. Some women may try to trick you into becoming a father and, ultimately, into marriage. Perhaps you could consider a vasectomy. Also, your girlfriend may give you an ultimatum of accepting what she wants or she will leave, which is fair.
NTA-time to end this relationship gently but firmly. You've been leading her on and she deserves to find someone who wants marriage and children. Sorry bud.
Honestly, this was a conversation that needed to happen at some point. You both need to be on the same page. The relationship can be great now, but if she wants different things, she will grow to resent you. There are some people out there who never got married who lead happy lives. Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn never got married but they've been a couple for decades. Not everyone needs a paper and the government involved in their relationship. You both need to sit down and really talk about the things you want in the relationship and how you see your future though. NTA
you should have had that conversation before you got into an LTR. So, yes
NTA. She now needs to come to terms with the fact that you both are on separate paths.
Not the asshole, but now that is glaringly obvious you have different relationship goals than her, now is the time to break up, and let her find someone who does want marriage and kids. You would be the asshole to continue on with the relationship knowing you want two different things
NTA for telling her what you want for your future. However, you will be a huge A if you stay in the relationship. You both deserve to be happy and live your lives as you see fit. Which is obviously not with each other.
Nta. This conversation should have taken place, 2 yrs ago.
Just wait. If your girlfriend doesn't move on, a day will come along and you'll feel entirely different about marriage. Couples need to feel as if they are working together towards a goal in life. You are telling her it's everyone for themselves.
Nobody is the AH. Both of you are not on the same page for future plans. I recommend breaking up and finding someone who is looking for something similar. Love doesn’t solve all problems. You had the discussion and now you’re no longer compatible. It’s time to move on.
NTA. I have been in a similar situation. So i can really understand your point of view because i was there too. Your gf needs to understand the life you have been dealing with. It's also okay if things don't turn out great. Being truthfull is good in a relationship also you are still young and discovering your own preferences. Maybe it would be better if you have talked this in earlier stages of your relationship. You may consider a therapy for yourself or a couples therapy if both of you wants to make this work.
I came from a home in which divorce happened twice. I read several books on marriage and got some counseling. People tend to follow the example they had before them. I had some good examples in married couples I knew before getting married. I met with an older man for many years and it was very helpful. Working through issues can be painful but to be healthy one cannot relax and not mature. Today I help men and have noticed that those who have not matured and wear a mask have poor marriages. The first thing they must do is to admit they need help. It is easiest to help someone who knows they have a problem. Who would want a spouse whose maturity stayed at 20 and they were aged 50? Everyone in a marriage must mature emotionally. My wife and I have a much better marriage than both of our parents. I would say that our marriage is excellent. We have had to work though issues along the way. We have been married 43 years. There were times when it was difficult but we chose to stay and do what we could to be better people. They key is communication and becoming better people. The best marriages have difficulties. Today my wife and I are more in love than ever. I am definitely glad we stayed and did not give up. My wife is increasing attractive. I would never trade what I have in her for any other time or for anyone else. Life is much easier now. If in the beginning you take the hard road it will get easier later, but if you take the easy road now it will be harder later. If you ignore issues now then your relationship will get harder later. Many marriages fail because of false expectations.