NTA. The stuff she's asking for help with is literally part of the bridal party's "duties". She wanted close friends, she got close friends. Now they can demonstrate how close they are.
This
Because OP was not included as a bridesmaid, she went on business as usual and did not block out time to help as what sis is asking for is bridesmaid duties. Too bad, so sad. This is what sis wanted. It is not OPs fault that sis has friends as crappy as she is and they are not living up to their duties.
Anyone complaining is free to help sis out. There is no requirement that a potential guest to a wedding has to jump through bridesmaids hoops.
Expect to be treated as you treat others. Sis knew this would be a snub of OP. She cannot snub someone and then demand their time and efforts.
If I were OP, I would not sign myself up to be a ghost bridesmaid.
Completely agree with everything you said, I just wanted to add:
*”Our parents are also pressuring me to help her, saying that family should come first.”*
If *family comes first*, why didn’t the parents say this to Lucy and pressure her into making OP a bridesmaid?
OP, how much $ do you make compared to the bridesmaid? Is it possible Lucy sees you as a free bank, which is why you’re being asked to do this stuff instead of them?
Oooo, I've got a really good rant for this! Barely two weeks after my wedding and I had just gotten back from my honeymoon, my Dad started calling and texting about thank you cards. My aunts his sisters had been nonstop bothering him, asking if I had sent out thank you cards.
Now, I do think that thank you cards are a good thing, especially when people travel and bring a gift. I was still within the etiquette window of thank-you cards.
He brought it up again at dinner; I got pissed off and said, "Okay, Dad, tomorrow night I'll come over after work, and you can help me address the envelopes, stuff the cards, and lick the stamps if it's so important to you." He never brought it up to me again.
It isn't rude to take a few weeks or even a couple months to get thank-you cards made for wedding guests. It IS beyond rude for a wedding guest to contact the family of the bride to demand one be sent before the honeymoon is even over.
I received a thank you not from my cousin and his wife five years after they were married and two months before they divorced. His wife wrote the notes.
> Why can’t parents help her? All these posts about others saying “family come first” and stuff to that effect—why can’t they do the stuff?
Because people are always far more generous with others' time, energy, and money than they are with their own.
It is so amusingly predictable that the pleadings of “family comes first/just let it go/be the bigger person” are NEVER directed at the asshat causing the problem.
The same with giving bullies or abusers another chance. It's always the person they wronged that's supposed to be the bigger person. If we truly were the bigger person and gave the verbal/emotional smackdown people earn, behavior like this wouldn't be so prevalent!
YUP. You know what stops a bully? A good BEAT-DOWN. I know... every time I went to a new school (which was a lot...Army brat) I would get bullied for the first few days/weeks. The teachers and principals and vice principals KNEW about it and would do NOTHING.
The ONLY time they would do anything? When \*I\* fought back, and beat them up really bad. \*I\* always got in trouble. The bullies NEVER did. But, it was worth getting in trouble, because it always took the bullies down a peg, AND, the schools had to deal with my DAD (not a pleasant experience I assure you) getting in their faces and threatening to SUE them for ALLOWING me to be bullied. They were AFRAID of my Army Captain dad so I never got in any REAL trouble.
In fact, and I think this will be funny to most: a bully (a boy) was pulling my hair EVERY day for almost 2 weeks. He also would HIT me in the face with his fist. Not only did all the faculty KNOW about it, they WITNESSED it first hand quite often. Well, one day I just snapped, and when he pulled my hair, I turned around really fast, and held his ears and pounded his head into the floor (not hard enough to hurt him TOO bad). It took 5 male teachers to pull me off of him, and every single one of them got at least ONE black eye. I was taken to the principal's office. The teachers had said there were many witnesses (the hall was FILLED with people cheering because THEY had been bullied by this monster). When the principal called the students into his office to be a witness, each one said (or a version of) "What fight?" , or "There wasn't any fight", or "Those teachers just grabbed her and dragged her down the hall".
I asked to use the phone in the principal's office. I was denied. I said that I would tell my dad that they held me hostage and "You know what my dad's like, so I don't think you want that." They let me use the phone. I called the police. THEY interviewed the students, and heard the same things "What fight?", etc. The teachers were arrested. The boy wasn't arrested because there "wasn't any fight" (lol); BUT, he spent the rest of the year getting LAUGHED at for getting beat up by a girl.
... do the incomes really matter?
like... are bridesmaids expected to take unpaid time off for wedding prep...?? "Oh we can't ask Becky to take the pay cut, she makes $350 per hour, better rope OP into it who only makes $150" sounds like the most horrifying nightmare I can imagine!?!
Honestly, they shouldn’t matter. But it seems more and more prevalent that bridesmaids are *expected* to shell out ridiculous amounts of money on wedding-related events in exchange for the “honour” (🙄) of being picked as a bridesmaid. IMO it’s as ridiculous and tacky as gender reveal parties.
The reason I asked is to find out if this was the bride’s mindset: XYZ is too expensive/time consuming for a bridesmaid, so let’s ask the sister to do it because *faaaaaaaamily*
yeah, I think just last week I saw one (which I personally think is fake, but which lots of people found credible) where a bridesmaid shared her friend the influencer bride expected $20 000 per bridesmaid
* 1 year out: time to start a diet and workout regime. no worries, I've started a sponsored collab so get ready to pay using my code, and make sure I can monetize your before&after pictures
* 11 months out: time to upgrade your skincare! throw away all your current products, get swanky matching outfits as we fly to the mountains for 3 days 2 nights ($600 per room per night, no sharing) in the spa I'm collabing with. We'll get luxury subscription boxes tailored to your needs and even if you already use those products, you'll have to throw them out so we have all fresh stuff to look! our! best! for! my! special! day
* it went on and on : flying out for a hair consultation with more matching clothes and another expensive hotel, a bachelorette trip, custom made bridesmaids dresses jewels and shoes, etc.
and when the bridesmaid said she couldn't afford it, the bride had 2 easy solutions : either the bridesmaid could put it on a credit card (just lie about your student loans when you apply), or she could ask the bride's brother for a loan, he wouldn't even ask his li'l sis's friends for a lot of interest.
oh and "I'm stressed out from corralling all of you girls and assigning who hounds you for which payment, so have you all thought about a little encouraging present? here's some ideas, none under $3500, but you can pool funds, right"
If I was OP I'd block her sister's damn phone number and book a week in Hawaii when the wedding is happening. Avoid all of it. The bride is a very entitled twatwaffle.
Exactly. I just had my bachelorette weekend and my big sister/MOH made sure everything was smooth sailing, I barely lifted a finger and I didn’t spend a dime. My other bridesmaids helped make sure there were no hiccups. That’s the job of the bridal party, clearly her reasoning for choosing who she did came from a superficial place because she’s now left planning her own celebration. NTA OP your sister didn’t care about the one relationship that was truly genuine and now she will regret it. But please update us post-wedding and let us know if they’re all still friends lol
This.
Family comes first except when it came to including her own sister in the bridal party.
Your parents said nothing when she did that, so now they should do the same when you’re not inclined to help.
People always want to call you petty when they can’t get to treat you however they want.
It’s amazing how these admonitions to support family are never directed at the person who always makes these problems, just at the person who objects to being ordered to fix them.
well, it’s not actually literally part of their “duties”—it’s iffy to ask people, even bridesmaids, to do DIY decorations. I mean, if you frequently help one another out, then sure, ask for help.
But to dis your sister, and then ask her for help and guilt her?
Maybe skip the DIY decorations.
And the MOH is supposed to plan the bachelorette; barring her, then bridesmaids.
NTA family did not come first at bridal party selection.... What makes helping her plan/prep different to that!!
TBF sister missed a trick if she realised she FU, should have at least tried "you were never gonna be a bridesmaid because, suprise, your my maid of honour, now please save my ass!"
Present your refusal to take on tasks as “the bachelorette party, the shower, etc. are roles of the bridesmaids and since they are so close to you I’m sure they’d be offended if they couldn’t do those things”. Then, honor that and don’t take these things on yourself. Look at this as a chance to go to the wedding and just have a fun time. Get a fabulous dress and have fun.
“She picked such good friends, I’m sure they’re on top of everything.”
“I haven’t heard about the bachelorette but probably won’t; that’s just for bridesmaids.”
“The shower? I don’t know? Do you need the MOH’s phone number?”
If they object,
OP can point out that their "family first" only seems to apply to OP doing things for others, not themselves, nor her sisters choice of bridesmaids. It's a rather exclusive use of the term, really.
Her parents should live what they really believe, not play do as I say, not as I do. OP is no longer 5, and that logic does not fly.
"Family comes first except when creating your bridal party, right? I guess family doesn't come first when it comes to your wedding? I understand. Everything you're asking of me is traditionally the maid of honors duty, why isn't she taking care of this? I'll be watching your wedding preparations from afar, just like i will be for your actual wedding 🤣"
I feel like OP should just repeat that first part over and over to her parents until they get it. No matter what they say just repeat it as the answer. Until they get it.
Or her parents, who seem pretty comfortable with deciding what OP should do with her time. NTA. “No, I’m busy at the moment and have been doing my fair share already”.
the conversation with the parents should have been:
parents: "saying that family should come first"
op: "is that why I didn't make the cut for the bridal party?"
I believe the closeness between them growing up was one sided, the sister just used op her entire life without giving back, she thought this time would be the same.
NTA
I don’t believe that family should automatically be included in the wedding, but your feelings for not being selected as a bridesmaid are valid.
It’s unfair for your sister to not make you a bridesmaid but want to give you all the responsibility of being one.
She should reach out to her bridesmaids for support with this.
NTA. It's valid that you feel hurt and disappointed by your sister's decision not to include you as a bridesmaid. Being close sisters, it's natural to expect to be part of such a significant event in each other's lives. You're not obligated to take on major responsibilities if it's causing you stress or resentment.
NTA - why doesn’t she ask her actual bridesmaids and MoH to help? That’d be my first question. Don’t most of these duties (especially bachelorette planning) fall under their purview?
I’d also tell her that by excluding you from the bridal party, she’s made it clear where you stand. Not important enough to be by her side on the day of the event, but useful enough to do all the work her actual bridesmaids should be doing.
> family should come first
I’d remind your parents that family didn’t come first when it came to the bridal party, just the bitch work they don’t want to help with or your sister doesn’t want to burden them with.
It’s a wedding. It’s her wedding. She gets to do the planning. I don’t understand the big song and dance over a party.
You’re good enough to be a lackey but not to be in the bridal party. Not good enough to be in the latter so stop being the former. She’s got help.
Disagree - part of being in the bridal party is arranging all the other stuff. I’ve been a MOH twice and hands down the worse part of that role was corralling flaky people for the bachelorette party. But it comes with the territory. OP is not even in the bridal party let alone the MOH. None of this is her problem. NTA.
NTA
I am beginning to think weddings should be legally outlawed and only allowed to be completely at city hall with two witnesses. The ridiculous pettiness and silly drama is off the charts.
I always send a nice "thank you" card any time I am not included in any wedding.
Then, I turn a cartwheel and have a piece of cheesecake to celebrate not having to attend one.
"Faaaaaaaamily should come first!"
You're right, mom and dad. That's why I was hurt and confused when she chose her friends over me. Hope they're as close as she seems to think they are, she needs a lot of help.
NTA
NTA. That something a bridesmaid does. Her close friends need to step it up. If she needs more help she should hire a wedding planner. Ignore your family manipulation tactic. If family came first she would have chosen you as her bridesmaid. Don't help her with anything related to the wedding.
NTA I mean, isn't all that stuff the responsibility of the bridal party? Her close amazing friends should be DIYing decorations and planning bachelorette parties!
NTA. Time for her 'friends' to step up and help as her official bridesmaids hence the name. Tell your family that you are helping but want to allow others to also step into their designated role. You do not owe your sister anything even as 'family'. If your mother feels so bad she can step in.
I have 3 older sisters, the amount of weird backstabbing sisters can do to each other has always bewildered me.
Stand tall and hold your ground, just because you're family doesn't mean the betrayal isn't significant because it is.
It's understandable to feel hurt about not being included as a bridesmaid, especially when you're close to your sister. Helping out with wedding planning is a big ask, and it's okay to set boundaries, especially if it feels like too much. NTA, your feelings matter too.
NTA. Where’s her MOH? Where’s all her close friends that know her fiancé? These are tasks they should be helping with. Also if your family has issues with you not helping, why aren’t they?
Those things that she wants your help with? Refer her back to her bridal party each time. That’s literally their job.
Say no and continue saying no.
NTA.
>Our parents are also pressuring me to help her, saying that family should come first
So what did they say when
>she said she wanted to keep her bridal party small and only included friends who have known her fiancé for a long time
Where was family in that situation? Some troll said that YTA because you should help and some other 🐂💩 but obviously they can't or didn't (or needs Hooked on Phonics) read where you said you did help her with a few things....both the big things are the responsibility of the bridal party! You know, the "family" she picked over you. Don't feel guilty and don't back down....you probably won't be invited to the bachelorette or bridal party anyway...I wish the hell I would. NTA
NTA
If your family uses that BS line of 'family first's ask them how family was left out of the bridal party
You're now a guess, your responsibilities include showing up and bringing a gift nothing more nothing less.
Pick your moment carefully...
At some point, it may be appropriate to ask whether being family is an appropriate reason or excuse to treat people worse than non-family.
Your sister disrespected you. OK, you'll get over it. After that, she asked for extensive, time-consuming favors. Then, she tried to guilt you for not complying. When she said you would not be a bridesmaid, you didn't block time out of your schedule to help her. You simply went on with your life like any other guest. You even helped out a little.
This is not you negotiating to be a bridesmaid. This is you saying: "NO." People are allowed to do that. Her bridesmaids can perform bridesmaid duties. Your parents feel strongly about supporting family, so they can help. You are already doing more than most wedding guests. You could always do less.
Why didn't family come first when your sister was picking a bridesmaid? Just because it's her wedding doesn't mean you can't create healthy boundaries around respecting her choice even though it hurt you.
"Family should come first!" Obviously, Lucy thinks friends come first. Her close friends can do all this. If her parents think family should, they should do it. This isn't petty. This is the consequences of Lucy's decisions.
Your parents to you: “Family should come first.”
Your parents go your sister: “Put your friends first.”
My advice to you: “Time to put yourself first.”
NTA. If your sister wants help, tell her you’ll happily attend events that she and all the bridesmaids are at. Then cancel at the last minute.
NTA, planning of those events is done/helped by moh and the bridal party. I have never been to a hen do organised by the bride, it's always moh. If you're not important enough to be honoured with a role, then you're not important enough to plan her events for her.
NTA. She seems to have missed the point of a bridal party. The maid of honor is responsible for the bachelorette party and rehearsal dinner, and the rest of the bridesmaids are responsible for tasks and anything else that pops up. She obviously messed up by not selecting people that could fulfill that role for her and now she is where she is.
Good on you for standing your ground.
You're not the AH. It's totally understandable to feel hurt and left out, and it's not your responsibility to take on a ton of work for a wedding you're not even in the bridal party for. you have already helped her and that's enough. your parents said to you "family should come first" but sister didnt do the same thing to you in the first place.
NTA Fuck that. Her bridal party should step up, she can do it, your parents can help instead of guilting you or she can hire a planner.
Fill your calendar with “self-care” appts. You need time off after this shit.
NTA - isn’t that what bridesmaids are supposed to do?
I’d suggest finding a new hobby or friends to disappear with when your sister starts on about her needing help.
Um, isn't that what her 'friends' are for? Tell your mom and dad that traditionally, the bridal attendants help the bride with planning, and it is not your fault that she prioritized, "friends who have known her fiancé for a long time."
P.S. Your sister sounds like she's catering to all her fiancé's needs. I bet this marriage lasts less than 5 years.
NTA.
Why aren't Lucy's bridesmaids stepping up? At minimum her mom and maid of honor should be helping her. You helping some here and there is a perfectly reasonable ask. But taking on maid-of-honor levels of responsibility should come with being maid of honor.
Just sayin'.
NTA, and your parents shouldn’t pick sides here. Your sister is a big girl and should be grateful for the help you can give.
The nerve to call you petty and unsupportive is beyond disrespectful. You’re showing her quite a bit of grace here, more than I think I could after those remarks..
Who wants to bet baby sis is the golden child?
Let her “close friends” do the MOH/bridesmaid duties…and when mommy and daddy bitch and moan, tell them she has people to help…and if it’s so important, they can roll up their own sleeves and do it.
Edited to add:and I hope the soon to be bride finds this thread, reads each and every comment and realizes how entitled and spoiled she is.
NTA
She has a bridal party to help her. She told you she didn’t need you to be in her bridal party, that means she doesn’t need you to do the work of the bridal party.
Where is her maid of honor?
NTA stand your ground on this period. I’m so sick and tired of that family comes first BS, when your sister didn’t think of family planning bridesmaids. So don’t help out anymore and focus on you.
Sis,
I would hate to step on toes and you explained how important your girls are to you. I'm sure your friends are ready to help you every step of the way. That's why you chose them. I completely respect your choices.
I'm really looking forward to being a guest on your big day!
Love you!
NTA and mom and dad are welcome to help their favorite daughter out with whatever she needs.
UpdateMe
NTA It seems that the things she needs help with should be the responsibility of MOB & bridal party. This may be a ploy to get you to pay for some of the expenses. Nope she chose who she wanted to have in the party they can do their own planning. If parents think family should come first then they need to step up.
NTA
The next time your sister or parents pressure you to help with the wedding, ask them why she doesn't ask any of the 'normal' guests to help with the decorations. She'll most likely bring up the fact that because you're her sister she expects you to help, and then you can also bring up the fact that as her sister you expected to also be put as family first and be invited as a bridesmaid, that you were really looking forward to that role and that you're honestly crushed that she didn't put you first like how your parents want you to do her when it comes to helping out with the decorations. She demoted you to a normal guest, so therefore you should have the hands-free obligations as a normal guest. Fair is fair, and you can bring this up to your parents as well.
I didn't have my sister as a bridesmaid because of how she treats me. I didn't attend her wedding 8 months later due to her atrocious behaviour on the day and refusal to even acknowledge her behaviour.
You are NTA. You are doing what you can to help within your limits.
As you said she had the right to make her choices but so do you.
If, as they say, Family comes first - then ask them "Am I not family - she chose friends, not family"
NTA
But, question - is sister the 'golden child' who could do no wrong?
These friends she chose to participate should be doing all this work.
“I’ll just be a guest” should be the response from now on. Gladly volunteer anyone giving you a hard time. NTA
lol
Sister: “silly sister, you can’t be my bridesmaid because you don’t know my fiancé well enough”
Also Sister: “you aren’t take on enough of the responsibilities of a bridesmaid *pout*”
NTA
Tell mom to help since she is so insistent on you helping her. She is the mother of the Bride and will be playing an integral role in the wedding while you are just a guest.
I was maid of honor and I busted my ass. The bridal party is supposed to do that.
For my cousins wedding, since she had so many cousins and no sisters, think 20+ first cousins, she did close friends.
She explained why and we still helped her because she was clear and transparent and it was our choice.
My cousin didn’t expect or ask. Her decision was the right one. There has been family drama so she removed the situation entirely.
Your sister didn’t include you. You have NO obligation to assist her. You doing something as her sister is enough.
Most sisters are part of the bridal party.
The bridal party needs to step up. You are a wedding guest. NTA.
NTA. She should hire a wedding planner if her close friends who know her fiancé aren't stepping up.
I'm dying to know. She had you help plan the bachelorette (her very close friend MOH should do that). Did she invite you to the bachelorette party? Or did she just want you to arrange everything?
NTA as what she is asking for falls within the duties of the bridal party. She doesn’t want to ask them as it would inconvenience them and as you are her sister she is taking you for granted.
She’s made it clear that you are not important enough in her life to put you in the bridal party and that her friends are more important. She may love you in that you are her sister but she doesn’t care for you.
Familial connections are obviously not important to her. Do yourself a favour and show your sister and parents this post and the responses. I suspect their eyes will be open but hers won’t. You’re going to be the villain whether you like it or not as you are in a now win situation.
"Bachelorette party? No, that is for the Maid of Honor to organize. I would not take that from her. I am sure she has great ideas."
"Decor? I am sure the rest of the bridesmaids would love to help" unless you like being crafty.
Don't mention one bit that you are not in the wedding party.
NTA. That’s literally what the MOH and bridesmaids are for. If they can’t or won’t help they maybe she picked the wrong ones or else maybe she needs to suck it up and take care of her own shit.
Her bridal party (including MOH if she has one) are supposed to do that. That is their duty.
She excluded you from the bridal party (as her sister I think that is weird). Tell her to ask her bridal party to do the heavy lifting and tell your parents to jump in if they are so concerned.
NTA
NTA-The Bachelorette party is her Maid of Honours job. Since that isn't you it's not your problem.
I'd say give her a hand when you have spare time like a sister would but don't do wedding party stuff when you are not a part of the wedding party.
She has bridesmaids to help her she should ask them.
Tell her it's her bridal party that is supposed to do all the work she wants your help with. If they can't do it, then she needs to choose other people before it's too late. The reason behind why you refuse to help seems petty. Leave that part out.
NTA
Umm…why are you helping her at all?? Are you like a pushover or something? She didn’t include you in her bridal party and those are the ones who help plan stuff. She wanted friends, so let her friends do the planning! Stop allowing people to walk over you and pass you up and then you bend over backwards to help them! Family or not. Tell your parents mind their fucking business. Did they say family anything when you weren’t included as a brides maid??! No? Then mouths shut! NTA. Stand up for yourself.
NTA,
The stuff you are describing are things that you either pay a wedding planner for or rely on your MOH and bridesmaid's over. She's free to ask but you are equally free to tell her no, and yeah I don't blame you at all for this. Your parents are welcome to jump in and help her plan out everything but you have no obligations to do so.
Just know though that this will affect your relationship with your sister and parents doing forward. I don't know if you are married but they could retaliate during your wedding by refusing to help you or anything.
Whether or not it is worth it is up to you. I may not be the best person to take advice from as in my family I am only close to my parents and a cousin, I'm not close to either of my siblings.
**” Our parents are also pressuring me to help her, saying that family should come first.”**
And yet she chose to include only her *friends* to put in her bridal party. Yeah. No. Tell those chicks to help her or your parents to step up to help.
NTAH.
Let’s unpack this: bride picks women who “have known the groom longer” than her sister.
Bridal party is made up of friends of groom. She is not comfortable asking them to do things. They are hell comfortable NOT doing things and definitely NOT volunteering to do things. They are not asking where to buy centerpiece and decoration crap. They are not asking for access to her pinterest boards. They are going to show up at the wedding. And the bachelorette if she plans one.
Gambled and lost, little sister.
Agree. Have the wedding you can afford, both money wise and time wise.
Sis should hire a professional or scale down if planning is too complicated. Bridesmaids are not free labor.
NTA - the Bachelorette party is for the MOH to arrange. If the MOH drops the ball, the ball is dropped. She choose the MOH. DIY decorations are something the couple should be making themselves, if they are out of time or don't have the talent, then they can buy decor. Your sister and her fiance are big and lumpy enough to be getting married. The easy part of their life going forward involves organizing a ceremony and throwing a party. They will probably face much harder trials in the future. They hold the purse strings to the event AND they know what they want. If they need help with organizing, then hire a wedding planner. Just tell her you will help, but you will need to be asked on a task by task basis, so your involvement stays on the "helping" level, versus things becoming your responsibility. Then make sure you only agree to take on short, closed ended tasks that you are comfortable with. (i.e. Will you arrange for ALL the flowers to be taken from the church to the venue? NO. vs. I'm asking people to bring flower arrangements from the church to the venue - can you take ONE of them (maybe, if you have room in your car). In addition to time, you don't want to end up covering significant costs because you made a decision the bride and groom disagrees with, or worse something significant that you arranged falls through (like you hire the photographer and they cancel last minute). Set boundaries and strictly defend them! It sounds like she was hoping her wedding party would take on responsibility for things best left to the couple or a wedding planner, and the wedding party rightly set boundaries and said no. Now she's moved on to family. Consider her requests for help, but don't take on responsibility for anything, and only do what is enjoyable for you, in time frames that are convenient for you. And remember, NO is a complete sentence, you don't owe anyone an explanation if you say no (in fact, the less you explain the better).
NTA. She’s not required to have you in her party, but she also shouldn’t expect you to help with anything. It be one thing if you volunteered to help, but that doesn’t sound to be the case.
Her MOH should be doing that stuff not a guest.
If her MOH won’t or can’t then she’ll have to deal with that.
I don’t mean to sound cruel but she deliberately excluded you and now she wants to do the work.
It’s the whole don’t give wife privileges to a dude that’s still on the boyfriend membership plan but with MOHs.
Tell your parents and your spoiled sister that most of the help and planning is for the bridesmaids to do, and that you're just going by what THEY taught you that lil sis didn't:
FAMILY COMES FIRST.
Family comes first but she didn’t choose family as part of her bridesmaids? Is it like family members of Redditors who share their lives as post, just absolutely dense?
NTA - most of the things she asked you to do are the job of the maid of honor. If she wanted you to do all that she should’ve included you in the party. If you’re not part of the bridal party and are just a guest you have no obligations to help.
NTAH, I’d text Lucy: “to be clearer when I said I wasn’t a bridesmaid, I meant bridesmaids and particularly, matron of honor, help the bride by doing lots of planning. I respect you wanted your friends to be your bridesmaids to help you get married.” Tell any family a variation on that “I respect Lucy’s choice to have her friends as bridesmaids. Typically, sisters are often included to help but her friends know her wishes the best. I’ll bow out and be a relaxed guest.”
So, you're not good enough to be a bridesmaid (and get invited to the bachelorette) but you're good enough to plan it and do scut work?
NTA. She chose to leave you an ordinary wedding guest, not a member of the bridal party. None of that stuff is the responsibility of a guest. Planning parties and making DIY centerpieces isn't your responsibility any more than it's Great-Aunt Susie's.
NTA. Keep your boundaries. Only do what you feel comfortable doing-not being pressured by familial pressure/obligations. The things OP states the bride wants help with are MOH and bridesmaid duties.
My unsolicited advice: be kind but assertive. Find legit solutions to not being able to help-work, your own relationships, etc. “can’t wait to celebrate you on your big day!”
Haha. It's only "family" when it comes to your precious little sister. You? Why they think of you as a welcome mat worth walking over is something you could tease out. But I bet you already know the answer.
Remember always that your life is yours to live. To be browbeat into doing something you aren't interested in doing is unfair, unkind, and downright cruel. To accept doing something you don't want to do will make you resentful, angry, even hateful.
Do as you please.
My question is, if family comes first why didn't Lucy choose her sister who is FAMILY to be a bridesmaid?
Did I miss something? Are sisters only family some of the time?
Are you kidding?
I’m 23, my older sister is 26. She’s getting married in 2025, and I’m her MOH. If she would have left me out of the bridesmaids, I would’ve been *crushed.*
NTA but explain your not helping is Not due to you not being asked to be a bridesmaid. Rephrase it to: all these things she needs done are to be done by MOH and bridesmaids traditionally. So technically, you're just reminding her of what her friends should be doing. Tell her you'll help a bit here and there.
NTA - She is asking for bridal party work, without including you in the party and celebration. Tell me, was she going to include you in her Bachelorette party at least as a thank you for your 'extra' help?
Next time she asks for something, just say: "Sorry, I am too busy." And offer no further information, as you have zero reason or requirement to offer it.
NTA
There's "planning" ("What color flowers look best together?") and "free labor". She doesn't want you to help plan; she wants your free labor so she can save money. Don't fall for it. Her bridal attendants should be organizing her bachelorette.
NTA
You are a guest at the wedding, not part of the bridal party. Guests aren't required to make any plans, decorations, arrange any activities, contact vendors, or pay anything towards the wedding. They are only required to show up and, in most customs, give a gift.
Anything else is for the bridal party to do. She can't pull the family card as it's not a family event, it's 'her big day'. The event is hers to plan and her bridal party is supposed to help her. That's literally what their purpose is. It's not a 'most favorite people' or 'closest to the groom' party, it's a *bridal* party; their job is to support the bride and help her plan her wedding.
You have no obligation to do anything.
These are duties of the bridal party not your duties. Let your parents know that if they feel like helping her, they are welcome to do that. she’s choosing to have bridesmaids that are her friends for really long time but not her sibling is really weird and you’re not as close as you think you are. Reevaluate your relationship with your sister. NTA
Definitely NTA. Her not Including you relegates you to a guest. And as far as I know, and I've been a wedding photographer for 15 years, wedding guests don't usually help plan the wedding.
Now I'm sure she is thinking that as her sister, this is something you should be doing anyway. But because of her reaction when you said you could help out occasionally, and how your parents are pressuring you, I would go low contact. I know you said you don't want to cut off your parents, but stuff like this? That "family matters first", but they were fine with you being excluded? Right now all three of them do not see themselves in the wrong, and probably won't for a long time unfortunately
NTA
If family always comes first you would have been chosen as a Bridesmaid
OP you need to ask your parents why their Family comes first rule when your sister forgot your Bridesmaid invitation wasn't enforced -
NTA: *//has been asking me for a lot of help – from organizing her bachelorette party to making DIY decorations. I’ve been helping out here and there, but recently she asked me to take on more responsibilities, which would require a lot of time and effort.//*
\^That's **maid of honor** stuff there. She should ask her actual MOH to do it and not someone not even in the bridal party.
Your parents should also step up if they're so concerned.
“Parents are […] saying that family should come first.”
Except when choosing bridesmaids of course.
NTA
If your parents think your sister needs help THEY can help her.
Bridesmaids are supposed to help the bride. With the wedding and especially with planning the bachelorette. I know you’re not a bridesmaids but is she inviting you to the bachelorette at least? If not, it’s extremely rude of her to ask you to help plan something you’re not even invited to. NTA
NTA. I’d tell her “ I’m sorry, since I wasn’t asked to be part of the bridal party, I didn’t block off the amount of time you need help with on my calendar. I’m sure if you ask your bridesmaids they’d be more than willing to help, and by the sounds of it, mom and dad are also willing and able to help you”.
NTA
The nerve of your sister! She invited you to her wedding as a guest and expects you to play the role of MOH and bridesmaid behind the scenes. No ma’am. She gave her friends honorary roles in her wedding and expects them to do nothing and put it all on you.
She needs to have a group chat with them and delegate, not make you work for an invite. You are a guest, you are not part of the wedding party. You should not feel pressured to do more than you feel is necessary to help your sister. Tell your mom that she needs to step up if she feels your sister is overwhelmed, or better yet, tell her she needs to have her wedding party more engaged with helping with the details.
Bride is choosing where to spend money and where to spend time (DIY stuff). If Bride doesn't have time for stuff, the next call is to bridesmaids for help. If Bride is asking too much for bridesmaids to handle, Bride must reevaluate choices. Regardless of being left out of bridal party OP isn't obligated to do anything. OP has already helped. OP was told she wasn't wanted as part of bridal party. Bride is being selfish and willfully clueless.
NTA. The stuff she's asking for help with is literally part of the bridal party's "duties". She wanted close friends, she got close friends. Now they can demonstrate how close they are.
This Because OP was not included as a bridesmaid, she went on business as usual and did not block out time to help as what sis is asking for is bridesmaid duties. Too bad, so sad. This is what sis wanted. It is not OPs fault that sis has friends as crappy as she is and they are not living up to their duties. Anyone complaining is free to help sis out. There is no requirement that a potential guest to a wedding has to jump through bridesmaids hoops. Expect to be treated as you treat others. Sis knew this would be a snub of OP. She cannot snub someone and then demand their time and efforts. If I were OP, I would not sign myself up to be a ghost bridesmaid.
Completely agree with everything you said, I just wanted to add: *”Our parents are also pressuring me to help her, saying that family should come first.”* If *family comes first*, why didn’t the parents say this to Lucy and pressure her into making OP a bridesmaid? OP, how much $ do you make compared to the bridesmaid? Is it possible Lucy sees you as a free bank, which is why you’re being asked to do this stuff instead of them?
Why can’t parents help her? All these posts about others saying “family come first” and stuff to that effect—why can’t they do the stuff?
And it's always the family that offers to do nothing that demands the posters do everything 'for fAmiLy'
Oooo, I've got a really good rant for this! Barely two weeks after my wedding and I had just gotten back from my honeymoon, my Dad started calling and texting about thank you cards. My aunts his sisters had been nonstop bothering him, asking if I had sent out thank you cards. Now, I do think that thank you cards are a good thing, especially when people travel and bring a gift. I was still within the etiquette window of thank-you cards. He brought it up again at dinner; I got pissed off and said, "Okay, Dad, tomorrow night I'll come over after work, and you can help me address the envelopes, stuff the cards, and lick the stamps if it's so important to you." He never brought it up to me again.
It isn't rude to take a few weeks or even a couple months to get thank-you cards made for wedding guests. It IS beyond rude for a wedding guest to contact the family of the bride to demand one be sent before the honeymoon is even over.
Brilliant!
I received a thank you not from my cousin and his wife five years after they were married and two months before they divorced. His wife wrote the notes.
> Why can’t parents help her? All these posts about others saying “family come first” and stuff to that effect—why can’t they do the stuff? Because people are always far more generous with others' time, energy, and money than they are with their own.
YUP, but I believe it was a rhetorical question. I liked what you said though.
It is so amusingly predictable that the pleadings of “family comes first/just let it go/be the bigger person” are NEVER directed at the asshat causing the problem.
“family comes first” With the corrollary, “but I’m only lifting one finger to point at you to volunteer.”
Voluntold.
Preach.
This! That’s exactly the comeback I’ve been looking for!
Enjoy!
The same with giving bullies or abusers another chance. It's always the person they wronged that's supposed to be the bigger person. If we truly were the bigger person and gave the verbal/emotional smackdown people earn, behavior like this wouldn't be so prevalent!
YUP. You know what stops a bully? A good BEAT-DOWN. I know... every time I went to a new school (which was a lot...Army brat) I would get bullied for the first few days/weeks. The teachers and principals and vice principals KNEW about it and would do NOTHING. The ONLY time they would do anything? When \*I\* fought back, and beat them up really bad. \*I\* always got in trouble. The bullies NEVER did. But, it was worth getting in trouble, because it always took the bullies down a peg, AND, the schools had to deal with my DAD (not a pleasant experience I assure you) getting in their faces and threatening to SUE them for ALLOWING me to be bullied. They were AFRAID of my Army Captain dad so I never got in any REAL trouble. In fact, and I think this will be funny to most: a bully (a boy) was pulling my hair EVERY day for almost 2 weeks. He also would HIT me in the face with his fist. Not only did all the faculty KNOW about it, they WITNESSED it first hand quite often. Well, one day I just snapped, and when he pulled my hair, I turned around really fast, and held his ears and pounded his head into the floor (not hard enough to hurt him TOO bad). It took 5 male teachers to pull me off of him, and every single one of them got at least ONE black eye. I was taken to the principal's office. The teachers had said there were many witnesses (the hall was FILLED with people cheering because THEY had been bullied by this monster). When the principal called the students into his office to be a witness, each one said (or a version of) "What fight?" , or "There wasn't any fight", or "Those teachers just grabbed her and dragged her down the hall". I asked to use the phone in the principal's office. I was denied. I said that I would tell my dad that they held me hostage and "You know what my dad's like, so I don't think you want that." They let me use the phone. I called the police. THEY interviewed the students, and heard the same things "What fight?", etc. The teachers were arrested. The boy wasn't arrested because there "wasn't any fight" (lol); BUT, he spent the rest of the year getting LAUGHED at for getting beat up by a girl.
Definitely found the golden child here, and remember family is who you chose, relatives are related by blood
Well in that case, where are Mom and Dad? Traditionally, they'd be the ones to do all the helping!
... do the incomes really matter? like... are bridesmaids expected to take unpaid time off for wedding prep...?? "Oh we can't ask Becky to take the pay cut, she makes $350 per hour, better rope OP into it who only makes $150" sounds like the most horrifying nightmare I can imagine!?!
Honestly, they shouldn’t matter. But it seems more and more prevalent that bridesmaids are *expected* to shell out ridiculous amounts of money on wedding-related events in exchange for the “honour” (🙄) of being picked as a bridesmaid. IMO it’s as ridiculous and tacky as gender reveal parties. The reason I asked is to find out if this was the bride’s mindset: XYZ is too expensive/time consuming for a bridesmaid, so let’s ask the sister to do it because *faaaaaaaamily*
yeah, I think just last week I saw one (which I personally think is fake, but which lots of people found credible) where a bridesmaid shared her friend the influencer bride expected $20 000 per bridesmaid * 1 year out: time to start a diet and workout regime. no worries, I've started a sponsored collab so get ready to pay using my code, and make sure I can monetize your before&after pictures * 11 months out: time to upgrade your skincare! throw away all your current products, get swanky matching outfits as we fly to the mountains for 3 days 2 nights ($600 per room per night, no sharing) in the spa I'm collabing with. We'll get luxury subscription boxes tailored to your needs and even if you already use those products, you'll have to throw them out so we have all fresh stuff to look! our! best! for! my! special! day * it went on and on : flying out for a hair consultation with more matching clothes and another expensive hotel, a bachelorette trip, custom made bridesmaids dresses jewels and shoes, etc. and when the bridesmaid said she couldn't afford it, the bride had 2 easy solutions : either the bridesmaid could put it on a credit card (just lie about your student loans when you apply), or she could ask the bride's brother for a loan, he wouldn't even ask his li'l sis's friends for a lot of interest. oh and "I'm stressed out from corralling all of you girls and assigning who hounds you for which payment, so have you all thought about a little encouraging present? here's some ideas, none under $3500, but you can pool funds, right"
If I was OP I'd block her sister's damn phone number and book a week in Hawaii when the wedding is happening. Avoid all of it. The bride is a very entitled twatwaffle.
I love the word twatwaffle
This . Op should just say wow that sounds like maid of honour duties . Who is your moh again ?
Perfect response.
I came here to say this. There is literally what bridesmaids are for. And the Maid of Honor should be giving the most help.
THIS! NTA OP!
My bet is OP is being asked because the bridesmaids won’t!
Exactly. I just had my bachelorette weekend and my big sister/MOH made sure everything was smooth sailing, I barely lifted a finger and I didn’t spend a dime. My other bridesmaids helped make sure there were no hiccups. That’s the job of the bridal party, clearly her reasoning for choosing who she did came from a superficial place because she’s now left planning her own celebration. NTA OP your sister didn’t care about the one relationship that was truly genuine and now she will regret it. But please update us post-wedding and let us know if they’re all still friends lol
Absolutely this. OP is just a wedding guest. If her parents are so worried about it they can volunteer their time.
This. Family comes first except when it came to including her own sister in the bridal party. Your parents said nothing when she did that, so now they should do the same when you’re not inclined to help. People always want to call you petty when they can’t get to treat you however they want.
It’s amazing how these admonitions to support family are never directed at the person who always makes these problems, just at the person who objects to being ordered to fix them.
I think we found the golden child. And I’ll wager it’s not the first time OP has experienced this dynamic with her sister.
well, it’s not actually literally part of their “duties”—it’s iffy to ask people, even bridesmaids, to do DIY decorations. I mean, if you frequently help one another out, then sure, ask for help. But to dis your sister, and then ask her for help and guilt her? Maybe skip the DIY decorations. And the MOH is supposed to plan the bachelorette; barring her, then bridesmaids.
Show up and wear the designated outfit is the only real requirement.
I’m from the olden days. That was the rule then, and should be now.
That’s the only requirement in the U.K.
NTA family did not come first at bridal party selection.... What makes helping her plan/prep different to that!! TBF sister missed a trick if she realised she FU, should have at least tried "you were never gonna be a bridesmaid because, suprise, your my maid of honour, now please save my ass!"
I couldn't have said it better myself!
Present your refusal to take on tasks as “the bachelorette party, the shower, etc. are roles of the bridesmaids and since they are so close to you I’m sure they’d be offended if they couldn’t do those things”. Then, honor that and don’t take these things on yourself. Look at this as a chance to go to the wedding and just have a fun time. Get a fabulous dress and have fun.
Does bride expect her sister to pay for all this, too?
Yep there it is.
“She picked such good friends, I’m sure they’re on top of everything.” “I haven’t heard about the bachelorette but probably won’t; that’s just for bridesmaids.” “The shower? I don’t know? Do you need the MOH’s phone number?”
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Family should come first... For you but not your sister. NTA you are under zero obligation to help her.
She gave ROLES to other people but somehow wants the JOB to be done by OP. OP stand firm and tell her to have her bridesmaids help her. NTA
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Also: tell your parents they are free to help her in any way she needs!
If they object, OP can point out that their "family first" only seems to apply to OP doing things for others, not themselves, nor her sisters choice of bridesmaids. It's a rather exclusive use of the term, really. Her parents should live what they really believe, not play do as I say, not as I do. OP is no longer 5, and that logic does not fly.
"Family comes first except when creating your bridal party, right? I guess family doesn't come first when it comes to your wedding? I understand. Everything you're asking of me is traditionally the maid of honors duty, why isn't she taking care of this? I'll be watching your wedding preparations from afar, just like i will be for your actual wedding 🤣"
Exactly.
I feel like OP should just repeat that first part over and over to her parents until they get it. No matter what they say just repeat it as the answer. Until they get it.
Why aren't her bridesmaids and MOH helping?
Or her parents, who seem pretty comfortable with deciding what OP should do with her time. NTA. “No, I’m busy at the moment and have been doing my fair share already”.
That's my question. Every wedding is different, but typically you should reach out to your party for general help
My response to every request for help would be "this is a bridesmaid's job" and nothing else.
Family should come first. Where was that sage advice when she decided to leave you out of the bridal party.... NTA
the conversation with the parents should have been: parents: "saying that family should come first" op: "is that why I didn't make the cut for the bridal party?"
Exactly what I came to say. If "Family should come first" then they need to tell that to the sister who chose her friends first over family.
I believe the closeness between them growing up was one sided, the sister just used op her entire life without giving back, she thought this time would be the same.
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I find hilarious how those people only remember family when it suits them.
NTA I don’t believe that family should automatically be included in the wedding, but your feelings for not being selected as a bridesmaid are valid. It’s unfair for your sister to not make you a bridesmaid but want to give you all the responsibility of being one. She should reach out to her bridesmaids for support with this.
Nope. That's a bridesmaids and maid of honors jobs. Neither of which you are.
NTA. It's valid that you feel hurt and disappointed by your sister's decision not to include you as a bridesmaid. Being close sisters, it's natural to expect to be part of such a significant event in each other's lives. You're not obligated to take on major responsibilities if it's causing you stress or resentment.
NTA - why doesn’t she ask her actual bridesmaids and MoH to help? That’d be my first question. Don’t most of these duties (especially bachelorette planning) fall under their purview? I’d also tell her that by excluding you from the bridal party, she’s made it clear where you stand. Not important enough to be by her side on the day of the event, but useful enough to do all the work her actual bridesmaids should be doing. > family should come first I’d remind your parents that family didn’t come first when it came to the bridal party, just the bitch work they don’t want to help with or your sister doesn’t want to burden them with.
It’s a wedding. It’s her wedding. She gets to do the planning. I don’t understand the big song and dance over a party. You’re good enough to be a lackey but not to be in the bridal party. Not good enough to be in the latter so stop being the former. She’s got help.
Disagree - part of being in the bridal party is arranging all the other stuff. I’ve been a MOH twice and hands down the worse part of that role was corralling flaky people for the bachelorette party. But it comes with the territory. OP is not even in the bridal party let alone the MOH. None of this is her problem. NTA.
FUCK no. Do not lift a finger. She chose. And now we see her move from the FA to the FO phase of the journey from decisions to consequences. NTA
Please stop helping out. Your sister decided she wanted her friends in her party, and they need to step up.
If family came first, you would be a BM so they can stfu
NTA I am beginning to think weddings should be legally outlawed and only allowed to be completely at city hall with two witnesses. The ridiculous pettiness and silly drama is off the charts. I always send a nice "thank you" card any time I am not included in any wedding. Then, I turn a cartwheel and have a piece of cheesecake to celebrate not having to attend one.
"Faaaaaaaamily should come first!" You're right, mom and dad. That's why I was hurt and confused when she chose her friends over me. Hope they're as close as she seems to think they are, she needs a lot of help. NTA
NTA. That something a bridesmaid does. Her close friends need to step it up. If she needs more help she should hire a wedding planner. Ignore your family manipulation tactic. If family came first she would have chosen you as her bridesmaid. Don't help her with anything related to the wedding.
NTA, she want's her cake and expects to eat it too
NTA I mean, isn't all that stuff the responsibility of the bridal party? Her close amazing friends should be DIYing decorations and planning bachelorette parties!
NTA. Time for her 'friends' to step up and help as her official bridesmaids hence the name. Tell your family that you are helping but want to allow others to also step into their designated role. You do not owe your sister anything even as 'family'. If your mother feels so bad she can step in.
I have 3 older sisters, the amount of weird backstabbing sisters can do to each other has always bewildered me. Stand tall and hold your ground, just because you're family doesn't mean the betrayal isn't significant because it is.
It's understandable to feel hurt about not being included as a bridesmaid, especially when you're close to your sister. Helping out with wedding planning is a big ask, and it's okay to set boundaries, especially if it feels like too much. NTA, your feelings matter too.
Ask your parents why family didn't come first when your sister excluded you from the bridal party.
NTA, but don't cave and maybe stop helping at all, after all you are just a normal guest that happens to share blood with the bride.
NTA. Where’s her MOH? Where’s all her close friends that know her fiancé? These are tasks they should be helping with. Also if your family has issues with you not helping, why aren’t they?
Those things that she wants your help with? Refer her back to her bridal party each time. That’s literally their job. Say no and continue saying no. NTA.
>Our parents are also pressuring me to help her, saying that family should come first So what did they say when >she said she wanted to keep her bridal party small and only included friends who have known her fiancé for a long time Where was family in that situation? Some troll said that YTA because you should help and some other 🐂💩 but obviously they can't or didn't (or needs Hooked on Phonics) read where you said you did help her with a few things....both the big things are the responsibility of the bridal party! You know, the "family" she picked over you. Don't feel guilty and don't back down....you probably won't be invited to the bachelorette or bridal party anyway...I wish the hell I would. NTA
NTA If your family uses that BS line of 'family first's ask them how family was left out of the bridal party You're now a guess, your responsibilities include showing up and bringing a gift nothing more nothing less.
Pick your moment carefully... At some point, it may be appropriate to ask whether being family is an appropriate reason or excuse to treat people worse than non-family. Your sister disrespected you. OK, you'll get over it. After that, she asked for extensive, time-consuming favors. Then, she tried to guilt you for not complying. When she said you would not be a bridesmaid, you didn't block time out of your schedule to help her. You simply went on with your life like any other guest. You even helped out a little. This is not you negotiating to be a bridesmaid. This is you saying: "NO." People are allowed to do that. Her bridesmaids can perform bridesmaid duties. Your parents feel strongly about supporting family, so they can help. You are already doing more than most wedding guests. You could always do less.
Isn’t all that planning what the bridesmaids are for?
Those are MOH and BM tasks is all I would say....
Why didn't family come first when your sister was picking a bridesmaid? Just because it's her wedding doesn't mean you can't create healthy boundaries around respecting her choice even though it hurt you.
"Family should come first!" Obviously, Lucy thinks friends come first. Her close friends can do all this. If her parents think family should, they should do it. This isn't petty. This is the consequences of Lucy's decisions.
Your parents to you: “Family should come first.” Your parents go your sister: “Put your friends first.” My advice to you: “Time to put yourself first.” NTA. If your sister wants help, tell her you’ll happily attend events that she and all the bridesmaids are at. Then cancel at the last minute.
NTA. Where was “family 🙄comes 🙄first” when she was picking the bridal party? She can fk off.
NTA, planning of those events is done/helped by moh and the bridal party. I have never been to a hen do organised by the bride, it's always moh. If you're not important enough to be honoured with a role, then you're not important enough to plan her events for her.
NTA. She seems to have missed the point of a bridal party. The maid of honor is responsible for the bachelorette party and rehearsal dinner, and the rest of the bridesmaids are responsible for tasks and anything else that pops up. She obviously messed up by not selecting people that could fulfill that role for her and now she is where she is. Good on you for standing your ground.
The friends she chose over you can help The parents who want you to help, can help You? NTA
You're not the AH. It's totally understandable to feel hurt and left out, and it's not your responsibility to take on a ton of work for a wedding you're not even in the bridal party for. you have already helped her and that's enough. your parents said to you "family should come first" but sister didnt do the same thing to you in the first place.
Tell her that she should be relying on her bridesmaids to organize the bachelorette.
NTA Fuck that. Her bridal party should step up, she can do it, your parents can help instead of guilting you or she can hire a planner. Fill your calendar with “self-care” appts. You need time off after this shit.
If she wanted you to do bridesmaid/MOH tasks then she should have made you one. THEY can step up.
NTA - isn’t that what bridesmaids are supposed to do? I’d suggest finding a new hobby or friends to disappear with when your sister starts on about her needing help.
Um, isn't that what her 'friends' are for? Tell your mom and dad that traditionally, the bridal attendants help the bride with planning, and it is not your fault that she prioritized, "friends who have known her fiancé for a long time." P.S. Your sister sounds like she's catering to all her fiancé's needs. I bet this marriage lasts less than 5 years.
NTA. She has parents, a bridegroom and bridesmaids to help her.
NTA That is what her bridal party is for. Not your problem.
NTA Your parents are welcome to help her out.
NTA. Why aren't Lucy's bridesmaids stepping up? At minimum her mom and maid of honor should be helping her. You helping some here and there is a perfectly reasonable ask. But taking on maid-of-honor levels of responsibility should come with being maid of honor. Just sayin'.
NTA and I would just keep replying "That's a bridal party duty, ask your friends."
NTA, and your parents shouldn’t pick sides here. Your sister is a big girl and should be grateful for the help you can give. The nerve to call you petty and unsupportive is beyond disrespectful. You’re showing her quite a bit of grace here, more than I think I could after those remarks..
NTA. If she still wants you to help send her a bill afterwards for your work. I'm not one of your bridesmaid? then I'm your wedding organizer F that
Who wants to bet baby sis is the golden child? Let her “close friends” do the MOH/bridesmaid duties…and when mommy and daddy bitch and moan, tell them she has people to help…and if it’s so important, they can roll up their own sleeves and do it. Edited to add:and I hope the soon to be bride finds this thread, reads each and every comment and realizes how entitled and spoiled she is.
NTA She has a bridal party to help her. She told you she didn’t need you to be in her bridal party, that means she doesn’t need you to do the work of the bridal party. Where is her maid of honor?
NTA stand your ground on this period. I’m so sick and tired of that family comes first BS, when your sister didn’t think of family planning bridesmaids. So don’t help out anymore and focus on you.
Sis, I would hate to step on toes and you explained how important your girls are to you. I'm sure your friends are ready to help you every step of the way. That's why you chose them. I completely respect your choices. I'm really looking forward to being a guest on your big day! Love you! NTA and mom and dad are welcome to help their favorite daughter out with whatever she needs. UpdateMe
Your parents want family to come first?! Then they should be first in line to help, right?!
NTA It seems that the things she needs help with should be the responsibility of MOB & bridal party. This may be a ploy to get you to pay for some of the expenses. Nope she chose who she wanted to have in the party they can do their own planning. If parents think family should come first then they need to step up.
Thats Maid of honor duties. That’s the whoooooole point of having a maid of honor. NTA.
NTA. Tell your parents THEY should step up. You've stepped out.
NTA The next time your sister or parents pressure you to help with the wedding, ask them why she doesn't ask any of the 'normal' guests to help with the decorations. She'll most likely bring up the fact that because you're her sister she expects you to help, and then you can also bring up the fact that as her sister you expected to also be put as family first and be invited as a bridesmaid, that you were really looking forward to that role and that you're honestly crushed that she didn't put you first like how your parents want you to do her when it comes to helping out with the decorations. She demoted you to a normal guest, so therefore you should have the hands-free obligations as a normal guest. Fair is fair, and you can bring this up to your parents as well.
I didn't have my sister as a bridesmaid because of how she treats me. I didn't attend her wedding 8 months later due to her atrocious behaviour on the day and refusal to even acknowledge her behaviour. You are NTA. You are doing what you can to help within your limits. As you said she had the right to make her choices but so do you.
NTA - those are honours for the bridesmaids. Not you.
NTA. She should be leaning on her bridal party for help.
NTA. What's the bridal party doing in this whole situation? Shouldn't they be helping her instead?
NTA she wants you to do bridesmaid duty without title. She can ask her bridesmaid to help her.
NTA, “everything you’re asking of me is something you can get your BM’s to do”
How come the parents didn’t say family comes first when she decided the bridal party? Helping out is there job, that’s what they’re there for. Nta.
NTA Her bridesmaids should be helping her with all of those items. That is *their* role.
If, as they say, Family comes first - then ask them "Am I not family - she chose friends, not family" NTA But, question - is sister the 'golden child' who could do no wrong?
NTA. Do what you are comfortable with, nothing more. Tell her to ask her MOH to do the rest.
These friends she chose to participate should be doing all this work. “I’ll just be a guest” should be the response from now on. Gladly volunteer anyone giving you a hard time. NTA
lol Sister: “silly sister, you can’t be my bridesmaid because you don’t know my fiancé well enough” Also Sister: “you aren’t take on enough of the responsibilities of a bridesmaid *pout*” NTA
Tell mom to help since she is so insistent on you helping her. She is the mother of the Bride and will be playing an integral role in the wedding while you are just a guest.
NTA If your parents think that "family should come first", then they should help her.
I was maid of honor and I busted my ass. The bridal party is supposed to do that. For my cousins wedding, since she had so many cousins and no sisters, think 20+ first cousins, she did close friends. She explained why and we still helped her because she was clear and transparent and it was our choice. My cousin didn’t expect or ask. Her decision was the right one. There has been family drama so she removed the situation entirely. Your sister didn’t include you. You have NO obligation to assist her. You doing something as her sister is enough. Most sisters are part of the bridal party. The bridal party needs to step up. You are a wedding guest. NTA.
Do you really want to bridesmaid ?what is so special being a bridesmaid?
Where was their "family comes first" attitude when she was picking bridesmaids?
NTA. She should hire a wedding planner if her close friends who know her fiancé aren't stepping up. I'm dying to know. She had you help plan the bachelorette (her very close friend MOH should do that). Did she invite you to the bachelorette party? Or did she just want you to arrange everything?
Nta you don't have the time for the commitment. End of story.
I'd rather be a guest every time as opposed to a bridesmaid.
Hey Lucy- go ask your bridesmaids that have known for your fience for longer. That's their job
NTA as what she is asking for falls within the duties of the bridal party. She doesn’t want to ask them as it would inconvenience them and as you are her sister she is taking you for granted. She’s made it clear that you are not important enough in her life to put you in the bridal party and that her friends are more important. She may love you in that you are her sister but she doesn’t care for you. Familial connections are obviously not important to her. Do yourself a favour and show your sister and parents this post and the responses. I suspect their eyes will be open but hers won’t. You’re going to be the villain whether you like it or not as you are in a now win situation.
NTA. Those are maid of honor duties, tell her to call her friends.
"Bachelorette party? No, that is for the Maid of Honor to organize. I would not take that from her. I am sure she has great ideas." "Decor? I am sure the rest of the bridesmaids would love to help" unless you like being crafty. Don't mention one bit that you are not in the wedding party.
NTA. That’s literally what the MOH and bridesmaids are for. If they can’t or won’t help they maybe she picked the wrong ones or else maybe she needs to suck it up and take care of her own shit.
Her bridal party (including MOH if she has one) are supposed to do that. That is their duty. She excluded you from the bridal party (as her sister I think that is weird). Tell her to ask her bridal party to do the heavy lifting and tell your parents to jump in if they are so concerned. NTA
NTA-The Bachelorette party is her Maid of Honours job. Since that isn't you it's not your problem. I'd say give her a hand when you have spare time like a sister would but don't do wedding party stuff when you are not a part of the wedding party. She has bridesmaids to help her she should ask them.
Tell her it's her bridal party that is supposed to do all the work she wants your help with. If they can't do it, then she needs to choose other people before it's too late. The reason behind why you refuse to help seems petty. Leave that part out. NTA
Umm…why are you helping her at all?? Are you like a pushover or something? She didn’t include you in her bridal party and those are the ones who help plan stuff. She wanted friends, so let her friends do the planning! Stop allowing people to walk over you and pass you up and then you bend over backwards to help them! Family or not. Tell your parents mind their fucking business. Did they say family anything when you weren’t included as a brides maid??! No? Then mouths shut! NTA. Stand up for yourself.
NTA, The stuff you are describing are things that you either pay a wedding planner for or rely on your MOH and bridesmaid's over. She's free to ask but you are equally free to tell her no, and yeah I don't blame you at all for this. Your parents are welcome to jump in and help her plan out everything but you have no obligations to do so. Just know though that this will affect your relationship with your sister and parents doing forward. I don't know if you are married but they could retaliate during your wedding by refusing to help you or anything. Whether or not it is worth it is up to you. I may not be the best person to take advice from as in my family I am only close to my parents and a cousin, I'm not close to either of my siblings.
NTA Your parents need to back off as well- where were they when she didn’t include you? Her bridesmaid need to step up.
If family should always come first, then maybe they should have come first in the bridal party selection. Why aren’t they helping? NTA
**” Our parents are also pressuring me to help her, saying that family should come first.”** And yet she chose to include only her *friends* to put in her bridal party. Yeah. No. Tell those chicks to help her or your parents to step up to help. NTAH.
Let’s unpack this: bride picks women who “have known the groom longer” than her sister. Bridal party is made up of friends of groom. She is not comfortable asking them to do things. They are hell comfortable NOT doing things and definitely NOT volunteering to do things. They are not asking where to buy centerpiece and decoration crap. They are not asking for access to her pinterest boards. They are going to show up at the wedding. And the bachelorette if she plans one. Gambled and lost, little sister.
Why isn’t the MOH helping out. Where are the bridesmaids? Tell the bride to involve them in the process and you will help when you can.
I do not understand why people throw these massively complicated weddings. They cause stress, drama, and bridzillas.
Agree. Have the wedding you can afford, both money wise and time wise. Sis should hire a professional or scale down if planning is too complicated. Bridesmaids are not free labor.
NTA - the Bachelorette party is for the MOH to arrange. If the MOH drops the ball, the ball is dropped. She choose the MOH. DIY decorations are something the couple should be making themselves, if they are out of time or don't have the talent, then they can buy decor. Your sister and her fiance are big and lumpy enough to be getting married. The easy part of their life going forward involves organizing a ceremony and throwing a party. They will probably face much harder trials in the future. They hold the purse strings to the event AND they know what they want. If they need help with organizing, then hire a wedding planner. Just tell her you will help, but you will need to be asked on a task by task basis, so your involvement stays on the "helping" level, versus things becoming your responsibility. Then make sure you only agree to take on short, closed ended tasks that you are comfortable with. (i.e. Will you arrange for ALL the flowers to be taken from the church to the venue? NO. vs. I'm asking people to bring flower arrangements from the church to the venue - can you take ONE of them (maybe, if you have room in your car). In addition to time, you don't want to end up covering significant costs because you made a decision the bride and groom disagrees with, or worse something significant that you arranged falls through (like you hire the photographer and they cancel last minute). Set boundaries and strictly defend them! It sounds like she was hoping her wedding party would take on responsibility for things best left to the couple or a wedding planner, and the wedding party rightly set boundaries and said no. Now she's moved on to family. Consider her requests for help, but don't take on responsibility for anything, and only do what is enjoyable for you, in time frames that are convenient for you. And remember, NO is a complete sentence, you don't owe anyone an explanation if you say no (in fact, the less you explain the better).
Lol, you're parents pressuring you to help...lol why can't they help then NTA
NTA. She’s not required to have you in her party, but she also shouldn’t expect you to help with anything. It be one thing if you volunteered to help, but that doesn’t sound to be the case.
Her MOH should be doing that stuff not a guest. If her MOH won’t or can’t then she’ll have to deal with that. I don’t mean to sound cruel but she deliberately excluded you and now she wants to do the work. It’s the whole don’t give wife privileges to a dude that’s still on the boyfriend membership plan but with MOHs.
NTA. She should ask her bridesmaids and mother for help, as is traditionally done.
Tell your parents and your spoiled sister that most of the help and planning is for the bridesmaids to do, and that you're just going by what THEY taught you that lil sis didn't: FAMILY COMES FIRST.
Family comes first but she didn’t choose family as part of her bridesmaids? Is it like family members of Redditors who share their lives as post, just absolutely dense?
NTA - most of the things she asked you to do are the job of the maid of honor. If she wanted you to do all that she should’ve included you in the party. If you’re not part of the bridal party and are just a guest you have no obligations to help.
NTAH, I’d text Lucy: “to be clearer when I said I wasn’t a bridesmaid, I meant bridesmaids and particularly, matron of honor, help the bride by doing lots of planning. I respect you wanted your friends to be your bridesmaids to help you get married.” Tell any family a variation on that “I respect Lucy’s choice to have her friends as bridesmaids. Typically, sisters are often included to help but her friends know her wishes the best. I’ll bow out and be a relaxed guest.”
INFO: if you’re getting married in a few months as well. Why not just say you’re busy with your own wedding planning.
"That's a bridesmaids job." NTA
Why can’t your sister’s fiance help?? I’m so tired of all the wedding planning always falling to the woman. It’s his wedding too, make him help.
If family come first, why aren’t you a bridesmaid? NTA
Her bridesmaids and MOH should be stepping in here. If they aren't maybe she didn't choose well. That's on her.
So, you're not good enough to be a bridesmaid (and get invited to the bachelorette) but you're good enough to plan it and do scut work? NTA. She chose to leave you an ordinary wedding guest, not a member of the bridal party. None of that stuff is the responsibility of a guest. Planning parties and making DIY centerpieces isn't your responsibility any more than it's Great-Aunt Susie's.
NTA. I would plan a nice vacation at the same time the wedding is being held.
NTA. Keep your boundaries. Only do what you feel comfortable doing-not being pressured by familial pressure/obligations. The things OP states the bride wants help with are MOH and bridesmaid duties. My unsolicited advice: be kind but assertive. Find legit solutions to not being able to help-work, your own relationships, etc. “can’t wait to celebrate you on your big day!”
Haha. It's only "family" when it comes to your precious little sister. You? Why they think of you as a welcome mat worth walking over is something you could tease out. But I bet you already know the answer. Remember always that your life is yours to live. To be browbeat into doing something you aren't interested in doing is unfair, unkind, and downright cruel. To accept doing something you don't want to do will make you resentful, angry, even hateful. Do as you please.
OP is miffed because she wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid but asked to lend a hand nonetheless. Bridesmaids are doing what?!
My question is, if family comes first why didn't Lucy choose her sister who is FAMILY to be a bridesmaid? Did I miss something? Are sisters only family some of the time?
NTA. Side note: People are way too much about weddings and not enough about marriages.
NTA. Your sister chose unwisely. Her MoH and bridesmaids should be doing all the things she's asking of you.
Are you kidding? I’m 23, my older sister is 26. She’s getting married in 2025, and I’m her MOH. If she would have left me out of the bridesmaids, I would’ve been *crushed.*
NTA but explain your not helping is Not due to you not being asked to be a bridesmaid. Rephrase it to: all these things she needs done are to be done by MOH and bridesmaids traditionally. So technically, you're just reminding her of what her friends should be doing. Tell her you'll help a bit here and there.
NTA - She is asking for bridal party work, without including you in the party and celebration. Tell me, was she going to include you in her Bachelorette party at least as a thank you for your 'extra' help? Next time she asks for something, just say: "Sorry, I am too busy." And offer no further information, as you have zero reason or requirement to offer it.
NTA definition of fuck around and find out
🤣🤭🤔🫠 yeah… no. Remind her that’s what bridesmaids are supposed to do
NTA There's "planning" ("What color flowers look best together?") and "free labor". She doesn't want you to help plan; she wants your free labor so she can save money. Don't fall for it. Her bridal attendants should be organizing her bachelorette.
NTA You are a guest at the wedding, not part of the bridal party. Guests aren't required to make any plans, decorations, arrange any activities, contact vendors, or pay anything towards the wedding. They are only required to show up and, in most customs, give a gift. Anything else is for the bridal party to do. She can't pull the family card as it's not a family event, it's 'her big day'. The event is hers to plan and her bridal party is supposed to help her. That's literally what their purpose is. It's not a 'most favorite people' or 'closest to the groom' party, it's a *bridal* party; their job is to support the bride and help her plan her wedding. You have no obligation to do anything.
These are duties of the bridal party not your duties. Let your parents know that if they feel like helping her, they are welcome to do that. she’s choosing to have bridesmaids that are her friends for really long time but not her sibling is really weird and you’re not as close as you think you are. Reevaluate your relationship with your sister. NTA
Definitely NTA. Her not Including you relegates you to a guest. And as far as I know, and I've been a wedding photographer for 15 years, wedding guests don't usually help plan the wedding. Now I'm sure she is thinking that as her sister, this is something you should be doing anyway. But because of her reaction when you said you could help out occasionally, and how your parents are pressuring you, I would go low contact. I know you said you don't want to cut off your parents, but stuff like this? That "family matters first", but they were fine with you being excluded? Right now all three of them do not see themselves in the wrong, and probably won't for a long time unfortunately
NTA If family always comes first you would have been chosen as a Bridesmaid OP you need to ask your parents why their Family comes first rule when your sister forgot your Bridesmaid invitation wasn't enforced -
NTA If family comes first you should have been asked to be MOH.
NTA: *//has been asking me for a lot of help – from organizing her bachelorette party to making DIY decorations. I’ve been helping out here and there, but recently she asked me to take on more responsibilities, which would require a lot of time and effort.//* \^That's **maid of honor** stuff there. She should ask her actual MOH to do it and not someone not even in the bridal party. Your parents should also step up if they're so concerned.
“Parents are […] saying that family should come first.” Except when choosing bridesmaids of course. NTA If your parents think your sister needs help THEY can help her.
Nope. NTA. She has a MOH for that work, and that is not you. She chose her support team.
Bridesmaids are supposed to help the bride. With the wedding and especially with planning the bachelorette. I know you’re not a bridesmaids but is she inviting you to the bachelorette at least? If not, it’s extremely rude of her to ask you to help plan something you’re not even invited to. NTA
NTA. I’d tell her “ I’m sorry, since I wasn’t asked to be part of the bridal party, I didn’t block off the amount of time you need help with on my calendar. I’m sure if you ask your bridesmaids they’d be more than willing to help, and by the sounds of it, mom and dad are also willing and able to help you”.
NTA The nerve of your sister! She invited you to her wedding as a guest and expects you to play the role of MOH and bridesmaid behind the scenes. No ma’am. She gave her friends honorary roles in her wedding and expects them to do nothing and put it all on you. She needs to have a group chat with them and delegate, not make you work for an invite. You are a guest, you are not part of the wedding party. You should not feel pressured to do more than you feel is necessary to help your sister. Tell your mom that she needs to step up if she feels your sister is overwhelmed, or better yet, tell her she needs to have her wedding party more engaged with helping with the details.
Bride is choosing where to spend money and where to spend time (DIY stuff). If Bride doesn't have time for stuff, the next call is to bridesmaids for help. If Bride is asking too much for bridesmaids to handle, Bride must reevaluate choices. Regardless of being left out of bridal party OP isn't obligated to do anything. OP has already helped. OP was told she wasn't wanted as part of bridal party. Bride is being selfish and willfully clueless.
NTA Your sister obviously chose the wrong bridesmaids if she has to ask you to do things they should be helping her do.