You should have a private conversation with your daughter and aske her how she feels about your relationship with her cousin. Since you have missed some of your wife's emotional needs it is possible you have missed some of your daughter's need

This I really would love to know what daughter thinks and how old it's the daughter

OP mentioned that they are close and have a good relationship with their daughter, but yeah, we should also hear her side of the story.

Yeah. My dad said the same thing. We rarely talk and never about anything substantial. Close isn’t anywhere in the realm of what I think our relationship is.

Agreed. My dad has this fantastical idea we are close and if you heard his speech at our wedding you would think that was the case. My husband and I joke that if my convo with my dad lasts 3 minutes I should win an award. Perspective is important.

Sadly enough, you might be one of the closest relationships your dad has. Some people just aren't able to connect deeply with others. Shallow connections are the only relationships they have, so a longterm shallow connection might be the closest they feel to anyone. Perspective really is everything.

Perception may not be the truth. But it helps to understand what the other person’s POV is.

This very well may be true. I think society is a whole does not understand how alone and depressed many men are in their adult life. Even though we love our kids, especially as children get older a barrier comes between us and them, either intentionally or unintentionally as they try to navigate their independent way in life.

Additionally, in the US at least, there are some bizarre stigmas about men who are close with children. There are harmful expectations that only women can fill that child nurturing role and if a man does, he might have an ulterior motive. Patriarchal norms hurt everyone.

My dad also thought we were close but we rarely talk. When I was younger the only conversations we had were about books and while we both liked fantasy we liked completely different kinds of fantasy so they didn’t last long. Now as an adult we talk about once a month at most at the most.

Agreed. I imagine my dad used to think we were close, but there was never anything substantial.

My father knows we are not close. I’ve made it very clear that I will forgive but not forget all the horrendous things he did. the day I was born, he took off and stole money that my grandfather gave to my mom for baby stuff and spent it on drugs and came back a month or so later. they split when I was two and he remarried a witch of a woman, who would hit me and he would threaten to. he kicked me out on my 14th birthday then tried to guilt trip me into coming back. I invited him to come take prom pictures he never showed. He came to my grad, and I wanted a picture of me with my mom and bio dad and my photographer said “okay dad get in there” and he goes “we still haven’t figured out who the dad is”. Really bummed me out for the rest of the night.

OMG, your dad is 😖 and I hope you care well for yourself and others (and vice versa). I am sorry.

Definitely important to consider both perspectives in any situation

Yeah but that could just be his perception of their relationship. It seems from this post that he didn’t realize his wife doesn’t feel emotionally connected to him for who knows how long.

To me, OP is making everything rosy because that’s what he wants to believe. If he’s cool with it, *everyone should be cool with it. Obviously, his wife is not cool with it. I hope he learns some things in marriage counseling. Wife could learn that she doesn’t need this husband. Both girls are 26. Wife has been competing with her SIL for 26 years, at least. Even if OP doesn’t believe it.

Good point. However, the wife's perception may be jaded due to her own internalized issues. I have a good friend who's wife says he cares and is there for his parents more than his own family (wife and toddlers). His parents are around 80 yrs old and just need occasional help with things around the house. He also will go visit them once a week. That waa enough for wife to say he's putting his own family on the back burner. And guess who is the main caretaker of the children? He is. All this to say, OP may be in denial, but his wife may also be creating a scenario that doesn't exist. At this point, I just take everything with a grain of salt and am hoping OP (truthfully) updates us with the progress of therapy and daughter's pov.

He's happy with the outcome of their discussion because he gets what he wanted -- to walk his niece; something that on the surface would have been a non-issue. He has agreed to counseling to get that one issue off the table and he doesn't realize that his whole marriage has been low quality because of his attachment to his sister. He honestly believes that his daughter never suffered or felt any kind of resentment. Counseling is going to be a big wake up for him.

I think OPs self-awareness is questionable.

My thoughts exactly. I’m willing to put money on he did play happy family with his sister and wasn’t there as much as he thinks for his own wife and daughter. He all but admits it in his first post but doesn’t want to acknowledge the strain he put on his own family. I’d say he absolutely lacks self-awareness.

It gets really old when the spouse always runs off to help someone else rather than prioritizing their own family.

To a certain extent stepping in to help out a sibling during a tough time, like the loss of a spouse, is incredibly understandable and IMO generally a good thing to do especially if they also have a young child, the issue is that it kind of sounds like that never stopped. Like the daughter is getting married, at that point it doesn't really seem that they should take up much of his time at all.

Helping is fine. Constantly putting the other family first is destructive to the marriage.

It really sucks to watch your parent put other people’s kids before you. My dad’s done it my whole life, and he still does it. He doesn’t see it, and thinks our relationship is great. I guarantee you OP’s daughter feels shafted, whether she’s said it or not. It took me 47 years to tell my dad no more, that all of these “bonus” kids he’s keeps blowing me off for can take care of him because I’m done. Then the gaslighting started. OP sounds a lot like my dad.

I got downgraded on his first post for suggestion he neglected his own family and now feel vindicated.

My dad always said the he had a close relationship with me, but we have been pretty much NC since I was in high school. It turns out, we were as close as he wanted us to be- which was "not very". He clearly favored my sister and was always spoiling her while pretty much ignoring me. But yet, he considered us close. Perhaps OP is the same way- from his POV, he and his daughter have a close relationship, but it's his definition of a close relationship.

Yeah if you ask my narcissistic parent, we are close and have a good relationship. 

My bro and dad had a great relationship but my half brother was always the better one, the smarter one, the good one, etc. it takes a toll on a child that can be discovered only decades later. Dad can be genuine but still cause damage to his daugther without knowing it.

My daughter is 26 too. We are both honest with each other, and she admits that my niece’s upcoming wedding did make her a bit jealous but she is really happy for my niece. 

Hold up. I don't know why this didn't hit me earlier but the niece is 26 years old. If she's been an adult for 8 years, why are you still giving money to your sister? Why are you still going over there all the time? Perhaps your wife is angry because she thought that she would be getting her husband back when your niece turned 18 or at least by 21. Maybe that's why she feels like the third wheel in your marriage. Just a thought...I could be dead wrong.

This!! I agree with this, why are you giving your sister money every month? Your niece is an adult! Walking her down the aisle is one thing, but this may be a whole different level.

Yeah. He claims it comes out of "his account" which obviously still is money that could've gone towards his own daughter.

Yup, that's why I commented on the original. I think OP is an unreliable narrator. He seems awfully enmeshed to his sister's family over his own. Niece is a grown ass woman about to get married, and he's still sending his extra money to that side of the family. That kind of sends a signal that he doesn't go beyond 50/50 for his own but is willing to give extra support/money/attention/treats, consistently over his own family. Sure, he can do what he wishes, but years of these gestures have an effect. It comes across as the other family "deserves" his extra time and effort, but his own wife and daughter don't. So what looks nice and supportive is going to feel like deprioritising to his own family. No wonder his wife is having such a strong reaction. Those feelings don't come from nowhere. Not to mention the way he comes across, denying his wife's feelings as if they didn't matter. He already assumes his daughter is OK with it 🙄. He doesn't come across as a husband who respects his wife's feelings at all. And I bet daughter and mother have had plenty of conversations, on their own in private, about the favouritism and how they feel. And if it gets brought up, he just habitually doesn't want to hear it.

The OP is always somewhat of an unreliable narrator in these posts, but the fact that he blatantly told his wife that her opinions don’t matter confirms it in this case. I was surprised that so many comments in the original post just demonized the wife.

THANK YOU!! Same! The comments on the original post just wrote her off, like come on, there's clearly more he's holding back. The way he dismissed her feelings and then speaks for his own daughter. He comes across as an AH to me.

It’s also very telling that he won’t show her the post.

I think people in the original post were immediately on his side because the main part of the post was only the issue about walking the niece down the aisle, which of course sounds like a nice thing to do. But it’s an AH move to just dismiss your partner’s feelings. Marriage counseling is going to be eye opening for OP.

It was the way he framed the situation. He made it all about walking his niece when that was really the last straw in a story that is more than 15 years old.

That and this comment op posted didn’t help: She’s given many reasons. Like for example, one reason being that we have a daughter who isn’t married yet, and she feels like I am closer to my niece than my daughter (which isn’t true at all). And then she says symbolically, me going to my niece’s wedding as her father figure, while my sister being there as her mother, she thinks it’s weird. He made his wife sound jealous and petty when in reality he has treated his sister and niece more like a wife and daughter. I think the wife is better person then me. I know I would not put up with ops behavior for 20 plus years. I would have let him have his pretend family.

How can you say that you’ve never seen any resentment from your daughter after she in her own words told you that she has felt jealous? It’s becoming more and more clear that you likely are prioritizing your sister and niece more than your wife and daughter. Whether it is a conscious decision or not.

You don’t need to financially support your niece or sister anymore. I think your wife feels like she and your daughter are in second place compared to your sister and niece. I think you may have been emotionally absent as a husband and father and that’s why your wife is angry. Sounds like she’s just tired of always being not *enough*. Stop dismissing her concerns. Her feelings should **always** be important to you, same as her opinion. OP, I think you’re going to get a helluva shock in counselling when your wife starts sharing her feelings. You can’t tell her they’re irrelevant then.

It’s challenging to be in a relationship where you feel like your partner puts everyone else’s needs before your own, especially because they look like they’re a great person to everyone else. I suspect this is what OP’s wife has been living with.

Agreed. I wonder will he do another update?

Hopefully. Counseling is going to be eye opening for him, because I think he and his wife are worlds apart in how they view their marriage.

I hope he’s able to hear wife’s concerns because in the statement above he dismissed everything she brought up.

Yes. That’s what I think is the whole problem.

Family counseling may need to be added.

At a minimum OP should ask his daughter about how she feels about dad walking her cousin down the aisle. Explain your reasons. It shouldn’t be confrontational or go full blown mom thinks I like her more stuff. Let the conversation flow naturally

My father was a teen at home when my aunt Sue had my cousin. He was there for it all. Never missed anything of hers. Not for anything. One of my earliest memories is vomiting profusely into a store bag in the car during summer. because it was Lynn’s graduation party and we couldn’t miss it. Or when he disappeared for three days after leaving my mother and the sudden death of my grandmother. He drove over 36 hours to show up at her college graduation. He couldn’t tell us because my “mother would be annoyed”. Or when he had his heart attack and didn’t call me first… but called her. Oh and when he told me after I said my dream was to be a doctor, “Lynn couldn’t afford to get her PhD there’s no way you can.” I’m still bitter I didn’t go to medical school. My brother and I were an afterthought our entire lives. I hated her more than I could put into words. But I could never say a word to him. Tread carefully, OP.

Mine wasn't quite so extreme just because of distance (he lived in Canada, we were in the US) but my mother was obsessed with her nephew. I don't know what happened to her SIL but she was never in the picture, so my cousin J didn't have a mom growing up. If I listed the things my mom did for him it would sound selfish and petty because it was all small but it just built up over so many years. It was so obvious that she loved J more than us, even if she almost never saw him. It wasn't his fault but we hated him for it. Kids are way more sensitive than adults think.

Sorry you went through this It neves is late for something you wish my mom after 40 some yrs went to collage and did the carrer she really wanted so I know you can do it

Thanks, That’s really sweet of you to say :) Sadly I also made the idiotic decision of going to law school so … I’m already deep in the debt hole. I am considering someday when my kids are both in school going back to get my RN or trying to get in with a Medicolegal firm

Yeah my doctor started studying medicine at 42 and practiced until she was 75. She was a housewife before that. 

😅my mom went the other way around 🤣🤣 She was forced in to the medical Field SHE WAS A REGISTER NURSE and once we where out of the house she went to LAW SCHOOL THIS IS SOOO FUNNY Sorry but I'm crying laughing about this be sure you can do it it is possible really hard por posible Just keep working on your field try and will be able to do so

My parents used to have a joint account where my mom would put 100% of her check into so they could pay bills, food, etc. My dad would put some of his and send the rest to his family (it mainly went towards my cousin). Anyways, I remember my mom absolutely sobbing after I went up to my dad once and asked when his next paycheck was because my underwear was so tight it would make my legs bleed a little. My dad changed a lot for the better in the recent years, but I still get mad when I remember. Oh and my mom had 3 jobs and they would both work a combined amount of over 144 hours weekly.

My mom and dad did all of their parenting with my cousin whose dad was a POS and then were completely burned out when I came along. If I say anything it’s immediately dismissed but if my cousin says the exact same thing then, “omg, he has such a good idea for this!” I don’t begrudge my cousin having connections he needed but I’ve grown up completely isolated in an extended family of 100+. I’m one of two only children and the other grew up in the same city as their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I had my mom and dad who couldn’t be pried away from the TV or computer screen. It’s incredibly disheartening to know you’re not wanted from the age of four on.

This is the same vibe I'm getting from OP. I mean if my wife told me she wished she was my sister, I would be heartbroken.

Right!? The fact that this news didn't break him says so much. I am kind of surprised she never left.

Seriously!? As a parent I cannot imagine treating my children like this. I know it happens far too often, but I'm still so shocked when I hear it. You deserved so much better. It's a very important warning for OP.

Thank you ❤️ it has been a long and painful road but time and therapy and becoming a parent myself has made me realize that he failed me over and over again. I cut him off when my firstborn hit 18 months old. He yelled at me because I was upset that he left a bag of weed in the bag of cookies and presents he’d brought into the house for the baby. “Who cares it ain’t like he ate it and even if he did it wouldn’t have hurt him.” Done. That was the last straw. He died about a year after that. I do not regret it one bit. I only regret not doing it sooner. I wish he hadn’t walked me down the aisle. I wish he had never met my children.

Hmmm I kinda get this. When my husbands sister got pregnant she turned up on his birthday and he unwrapped baby booties. He didn’t understand and she declared “we’re having a baby” and he was like “you know it’s not mine right?” And it was all just a bit awkward. Afterwards his mum phoned him and told him his reaction was weird and he needed to step up now which made things worse because it did confirm they expected him to play some sort of role that was more than just regular uncle. It actually freaked him out and the child is now 3. He’s been in the company of said child 3 times and that child also has a little sister who he has met twice. He’s terrified he’ll be lumbered with dad duties of kids he didn’t make nor want. Admittedly when those baby booties were produced, my reaction was horror. I really had to hold my face together. Watching my husband being treated like the dad was really weird.

His mom thought that was OK??? Ewwwwww!

Well predictably she is currently 23 and single as she split up with the dad who she was SOOOOO in love with at the time. The pair of them were beaming at their achievement and we were just like standing thinking they’d ruined their lives. Now she’s living at home with her parents and no job. Every now and again we get a call asking if she can move in with us and use one of our cars. They even want to send her two dogs with her and her 2 kids. We always say no. My partner is 38 so admittedly a lot older than his sister so technically could help out but he has chosen not to have his own children because he doesn’t want to pay for kids.

Jesus christ she has literally nothing going for her and two toddlers. Yeah, by step up they can only mean moving her out of their house so they can retire for real, sucks to suck for whoever gets Sister. They'd probably give them away to a traveling circus if they could. What a trainwreck that house must be.

Telling him to step up is crazy. Like he didn’t have sex to produce the child he doesn’t have to step up to do anything

Omg my bf’s sister is like this! She is married and hasn’t outright tried to say it’s his baby but FaceTimes him every day to look at the baby, expects him to drive cross country (over a day’s drive each way) every month to visit, and when he does visit he isn’t allowed to stay with anyone else or visit anyone else in his family. When he says no she freaks tf out. How did you/your husband deal with this?? Has she been weird to you? My bf’s sister has hated all of his girlfriends for no reason

She was fine with me UNTIL she got pregnant and now she won’t have anything to do with me. The only time she’s wanted anything to do with me was 3 days before the first time she asked my husband if she could move in. She messaged to say congrats on getting married - 6 months after we got married after she didn’t come to the wedding or the engagement. We deal with it ok but if I work away or go away with friends and she knows about it then she’s all over my husband like a rash. It’s weird. I completely ignore it. To give him credit he just tries to be polite. We don’t send birthday or Christmas cards anymore to any of them, we don’t invite them round and we are due to move house next month and we don’t plan on telling them. They get a text on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas and birthdays. He’s nice to the kids if he is confronted with them. If we are asked to babysit we lie and say we have plans. We agree on the plans before he sees them. We always have at least 10 excuses from murder mystery nights to weekends away to night shifts to members of my extended who don’t exist coming to stay.

I think it's time to think about how many times sister and niece have come before wife and daughter.

That's exactly what I was thinking. How often did his wife and daughter go without because he was busy supporting his sister and niece? I don't mean the biggies like food, clothing, and shelter, I mean the little extras that make for family memories. How often did they pass on vacations or even weekend outings because he "had" to do something for his sister. How often did his daughter just not ask for things because she knew it would be turned into a discussion of what his niece needed? I don't think u/GladResorts knows his daughter any better than he knows his wife. He had nothing to say when his wife told him she feels he is more emotionally connected to his sister and his response to her saying that he has been his sister's replacement SO is to... disagree? This has been going on for 25 years and he thinks that marriage counseling will sort *her* out? He definitely needs counseling. His wife should started her own counseling years ago.

Exactly my thoughts! I think the walking down the aisle was just a breaking point, considering in another comment OP said his real daughter was upset/jealous when she heard he was doing this. I would bet money that his real daughter vents to her mom about her feelings and OP's wife is finally putting her foot down and standing up for their kid. I wish OP would actually put together a timeline of events. He has been sending his SISTER money monthly for a decade, so when niece was 16-26, but he said his BIL died when the niece was "really young". He also doesn't say what he buys or how much of "his own money" he spends on his sister/niece vs his actual family. It might be his own money, but if he covers the basics for his family but spoils the niece with things she wants but doesn't need, it would still be inappropriate and wrong (in my opinion). For all we know, he covers all of the basic bills for his family and sends his sister $1000 a month to spend on fun stuff for the niece while not doing the same fun things for his own daughter. I would LOVE for the wife or real daughter to make a post here!

It sounds like this man had been running 2 households all these years, and is now mad because his wife is finally voicing that she is feeling like the other woman. Supporting your widowed sister is bringing her to be closer to your family, why the separation? The wife and the sister don't appear to have a relationship, nor the wife and the niece, nor the niece and the daughter, odd. None of this is on the wife. Had this been a functional, above-board, close-knit group, the wife would have been happy for him to walk his niece down the aisle. Instead, she is feeling resentment. I don't think the wife is the crazy one here. OP felt so bad for his sister and niece that he decided to abandon his wife and daughter.

Yeah, I get a weird feeling reading “I disagree with that” from OP’s posts when confronted with his daughter not feeling close to him or his wife feeling second in line to his sister. You can’t disagree with how someone feels and that be the end of it. They feel that way for a reason. I think OP needs to step back and look at the big picture here. Being there for family is all fine and great, but enmeshing yourself into another family unit at the expense of your own is shitty. He probably feels bad for his niece growing up without a father figure, not realizing that by devoting all his time and parenting efforts to his sister and niece, he’s doing the same thing to his own daughter. Only he’s not dead, he’s choosing to do this.

My mother had the same experience that his father would dedicate time alone with his niece, but never time alone with his daughter.

YTA I could feel my mother pain when she talked about it… She loved her father, he was very kind with her,but she couldn’t understand why he would give something to his niece that he could not to his own daughter. He was this generation you thought you had to discipline your children in order for them to show respect to people, he was violent with his eldest, who suffered and sadly reproduced violence with his own kids, watching this, the 3 younger couldn’t misbehave but had a hard time deal with their emotions. Your wife is not jealous, she wants you to give priority to your family, you can dedicate time to your sister and niece but your wife and children should come first

I think it's odd that your wife would look at a relationship between siblings and compare it to her marriage, but it's also obvious that her emotional needs have not been met over the years, so who are we to belittle what she may genuinely feel. Good luck to you both in counseling, and I hope it helps to resolve the underlying issues in your marriage. Congrats to your niece!

I think if you take sex out of the equation it makes perfect sense. If op has in fact been a more present and dependable partner to his sister than I would totally get where his wife is coming from. Obviously idk and her choosing to draw the line at the wedding was weird.

I think it was just a bunch of little stuff that added up and the wedding was the straw that broke the camels back.

I figured this is what was going on in the original post.

It's impossible to know and not really helpful to speculate since we are only getting one perspective. She could be jealous and clingy. He could be emotionally absent in favor of his sister and niece. Maybe they just have different perspectives/expectations that a good marriage counselor can help them navigate in a healthy way.

There are two sides to every story, and the truth usually lies somewhere in between.

My version of this: there are 3 sides to every story; yours, mine, and the truth. The truth may be closer to your side or closer to mine.

Perspective shapes our understanding of truth

Plus an emotional moment for a wife to see her husband proudly walk a beautiful bride (or groom!) down the aisle....is usually their own child. Now this very well may happen in the future for them but tbh i dont blame her for getting a bit bittersweet about it.

My uncle was going to walk me down the aisle since my dad passed when I was young. It would have been super weird if my aunt got upset like OP’s wife did. It doesn’t matter who gets walked down the aisle first.

Yeah people were really angry at the wife. I think it's understandable because the request not to walk the niece down the aisle was pretty awful. But it sounds like it's coming from a lifetime of feeling put second behind the sister. I turned down a marriage proposal for somebody that I realized would never be able to put me ahead of his brother. That a wedding ring wouldn't change things. You do not want to be the spouse of somebody who prioritizes anybody else over their nuclear family with consistency. Even when those people have experienced a tragedy or struggle, and it's important to support them, ultimately when there are conflicting needs you need to choose your immediate family. It sounds like the wife is reeling from a lifetime of not getting prioritized.

Oh 100%. It’s wild to me that so many comments here are advocating for OP to martyr his own wife and kids to be supportive of his sister and niece. Like, then why go start a family of your own if you’re still married to the one you were born in?

The wife was home raising his children while he was with his sister raising his niece. The wedding was the last straw. He probably spend more time and money in the niece and sister that wife and children.

Eh, I have an ex that if you saw him and his sister or him and his mother and had no idea they were related, you’d think they were married. And indeed, our child is turning 15 and he hasn’t seen her since 2019. He’s NEVER sent her a birthday or Christmas gift, occasionally will send money for the day if he remembers, but that’s it. But he doesn’t miss a week talking to his niece (whose father is still WITH the child’s mother and involved in her life) and his sister, doesn’t miss a birthday or holiday for the girl, etc. I never wished I was his sister, because once I realized the extent of their relationship (after we’d moved in together and I was already pregnant unfortunately) I found it creepy as hell. But I can understand the wife’s perspective if he’s spent more time and energy into developing his relationship with his niece and in caring for his sister than he has his own wife. Her words are pretty telling, whether he agrees with them or not, that SHE feels neglected and that he’s neglecting his relationship with his own child. Personally I would have been out the door before the child turned one (and I was), I’m surprised she tolerated it as long as she did.

Another thing from the OP is that the absent party isn't aware what they are missing. >She then talked about how I’ve been more of a father to my niece than to our daughter, but I disagreed again, because my daughter and I always have been close, and I’ve never sensed any resentment from our daughter. He has no clue what has occurred/been said when he was out of the house being backup dad to his niece. He doesn't know how many "where is daddy" questions his wife has answered over the years (And to be fair, I don't either, this is all just filling in the many blanks). I can easily imagine a world where OP is out doing family activities with his niece while his wife and child sit at home waiting for him to get back.

OP says in a comment that his daughter IS jealous about the wedding, so he's talking out of his butt saying he's never "sensed any resentment".

My dad's best friend has a story along those lines. Basically, the man is married and has kids. And his siblings straight up bought grave stones and graves for just "him" (only him) next to their parents and his others siblings. They did this without asking him. He ended up specifically putting his will that his wife is in charge of all of his burial needs, and left a tiny bit of money to his siblings, because he's worried they will try and challenge the will. He was so weirded out lmao. But yeah, emotional incest is a real thing.

1000%

My husband will drop a conversation with me when his sister calls and it drives me nuts, on top of him taking care of a lot of things I think she should be able to do for herself. So I can understand where OPs wife is coming from. In my case, I just decided that’s their relationship and I need to just accept that the in laws are a package deal with the spouse, whether they are annoying or cool. So I don’t get so bent out of shape about it. But— this was after discussing with my husband how I was feeling neglected whenever sister was around/wanted his attention. And he did step back some from her a little, instead of jumping to attention every time she barked.

Yeah, I was pretty sure that this reason was behind it. Here’s the thing, OP. Your wife isn’t psychic, or your daughter. It doesn’t matter if you put your daughter and her first in your heart—you have to *act* like it, too. Consistently.

100%

This! What you think and feel you’re doing mean nothing when compared to how others think and feel you’re treating them.

I can't really judge you, but just a tip, when your wife says she feels a certain way, it's one thing to not understand why and even to believe that she doesn't have good reason. But you can't disagree and you sure as hell shouldn't say you disagree because if that's the way she says she feels, she sure is s*** feels that way and saying you disagree is saying you think you know how she feels better than she does. Not only is that not really logical, but it's an especially terrible thing to say to most women. And definitely not something you want to say to your wife. Honestly, the fact that you would even say that, kind of dismissing how she feels, tells me that we're definitely not getting the whole story.

I just read the first post and your update. It sounds like your wife feels like she is not as important as your sister. I am wondering if she is right, especially when you said her opinion was irrelevant. I agree that marriage counseling is a good idea.

All he does is dismiss everything his wife says she feels. If she feels this way it is for a reason. I hope marriage counselling opens his eyes to the reality of her views but I don’t think it will. He clearly intends to use it to make her see his opinion yet again.

Yeah. The original post asks if he's TA for walking his niece down the aisle. No, he's not the asshole for that. He's just an asshole *about* everything. It seems kind of like being 'right' is more important than communication, compromise, respect. I just hope he doesn't use counselling as a relationship court the same way he tried to use this sub.

You can notice how his daughter is an after thought in this whole situation!

Or why he didn't confirm anything with the daughter. He doesn't have to mention this fight, but he could have checked in. He was surprised by his wife's reaction, why not just double check?

OP says in a comment that the daughter is jealous.

It also seems they don’t agree financially as he thinks it’s okay to keep giving money to his sister because it comes out of his account. I don’t know how much I would personally be on board with that, particularly if my husband took the view that it’s none of my business. Op gives off the vibe that it’s his family so that his wife’s opinion doesn’t matter.

I got the same sense. It really does sound like OP is, in fact, more committed to his sister and niece than to his wife.

I think you need to talk to your daughter. Your wife didn't come up with that feeling of you being more of a Dad to your niece than your own daughter by herself.

[удалено]

I have the feeling that you have not been entirely truthful about how much time you spend with your sister/niece versus your own family and how much support- physical and emotional you give to them. The feelings your wife has don’t happen over night. And unless she’s an absolute lunatic then there are actions and patterns you have participated in that have caused these feelings. I hope you can unpack this in therapy, but OP you need to be open to the idea that your wife may be right in some ways. You have obviously done something to make her feel neglected.

It seems like OP is flailing around in the dark about his own family’s emotional well being.

100% “everything is fine and healthy we are great” when it’s clear as day everything is not healthy and great

Wife: says how she feels You: tells her she’s wrong I’m glad you’re headed to counseling lol

This clown is only going to counseling because he thinks the therapist will tell his wife she's wrong lol. He feels empowered by his biased Reddit post getting favorable responses to his slanted depiction of events. It's gonna be a different story when the wife pulls out the 100 times he left her in the dust for his sister and the therapist has a more complete picture of their relationship.

Exactly this. He is fully intending on using counselling as a way to push his narrative even more. His poor wife…

Yup! Just like he didn’t come here for anything else but being patted on the back for being such a good person and to have confirmed his wife doesn’t deserve to be a priority in his life.

Honestly it's probably as simple as: Wife- Hey honey let's go do something fun together today. It's been a while since we just went out for fun. OP- Can't I'm going to my sister's to do xyz. I guarantee this has been said before. Wife just want to feel like a priority and that SHE comes first.

You should have a private conversation with your daughter and aske her how she feels about your relationship with her cousin.

Honestly I’m not sure how productive it’ll be. It won’t matter what his daughter says because he’ll either tell her she’s wrong or that his niece and sister need him more.

Or that his daughter will tell him what he wants to hear because she's lived her whole life knowing she's not his priority.

Talk to your daughter now. You were oblivious to your wife feeling neglected and you might have missed the same with your daughter.

While I agree he should talk to his daughter, ideally, I also don't see the point. He'll probably just tell her she's wrong, just like his wife. He only seems interested in disregarding people's feelings if they don't align with what he wants.

I think too many people are ignoring the fact that it’s emotionally easier for him to prioritize his sister and niece because there is no expectation of responsibility to them - so he gets to be a hero and put on a pedestal for coming in clutch whenever needed, which feeds his ego. Whereas in his own household he’s not doing what’s expected of him and thinks only showing up for the “important” things is what matters (which is not true because it’s the little things that make the big things in your day to day relationships). And then it gets conflated in his mind because he’s overly praised for showing up only when important things are happening with sister and niece but criticized for the same behavior at home with wife and daughter and wife gets branded as unreasonable for trying to bring this dynamic to light. OP isn’t going to like what the marriage counselor is going to say.

Wow, perfectly said! My dad was exactly like this and you've put my jumbled feelings to words. Saving this for myself

Exactly this. This kind of scenario, where doing things in one situation gets praise and compliments, but in a different situation (with different stakes) those same actions/words/behaviours get ignored or even criticised, is VERY common for a lot (all?) people. We (generally) feel good when we're praised, and that can naturally create a feedback loop - along with expectations of similar praise for similar efforts. If we *don't* have those expectations met, then even perfectly normal and reasonable reactions are likely to be a let-down - if only subconsciously. And human brains are brilliant in many, MANY ways, but one thing they're not automatically great at, is assessing our own actions/words/behaviours honestly and constructively. If we're inclined - for whatever reason - to disregard the opinions and feelings of our partner *even about how they feel about our behaviour towards them* then marriage counselling is definitely the first place to start.

>She then talked about how I’ve been more of a father to my niece than to our daughter, but I disagreed again, because my daughter and I always have been close, and I’ve never sensed any jealousy from my daughter. Again, something we’ll both talk about in marriage counseling. You are seeing this FROM YOUR P.O.V OP.... the P.O.V that was your sister's supplementary spouse for years, and never seeing anything wrong with it. I know I'm wording it in a harsh way, but that's how your wife sees it. To your wife and maybe your daughter, you have an older daughter

Hold up. I don't know why this didn't hit me earlier but the niece is 26 years old. If she's been an adult for 8 years, why is OP still giving money to his sister? Why is he still going over there all the time? Perhaps the wife is angry because she thought that she would be getting her husband back when the niece turned 18 or at least by 21. Maybe that's why she feels like the third wheel in her marriage. Just a thought...

No doubt. Honestly, it’s definitely sketchy that he feels so responsible for another man’s child…

If you didn’t know what to say to your *wife*, who’s wishing she had the same emotional connection to you as your sister does, then you have bigger problems than you think. You’ve completely failed to prioritize your most important relationship, the one with your wife. and it shows.

Not even, "I'm sorry you are hurting, and I made you feel that way. It wasn't my intention." So basic.

It's interesting to get some of your wife's perspective. It's also interesting how you dismissed every concern she had as invalid. Marriage counselling will hopefully help you understand that some of her feelings might actually be valid and you thinking you're doing the right thing by your sister and niece may very well have been at the expense of your wife and daughter, in her view. I hope you can work things out.

I think we should focus on WHY she’s saying these things. Is OP blind to how he favors his sister and niece? Clearly his wife does and that should count for something

He's also been doing this for probably over a decade.

So, the exact same thing many women on that post suggested might be the real issue turned out to be the real issue? Huh. Color me shocked. If you put another woman ahead of your wife, regardless of who she is, that's a problem. It sounds like you have been putting your wife last for a long time, and you should think about why that is.

Not even just his wife but his daughter too.

Missing reasons. Your wife has felt second fiddle and excluded during your marriage due to the role you played in your sister and niece’s lives. It’s not about wanting them to have less but her needing more. If you weren’t ensuring that the closeness was with the entire family (your wife/ daughter included with your sister/niece) or that the time and effort you devoted was extra and willingly encouraged by your wife and family then you neglected your nuclear family for your extended, which is short sighted.

Hmm I can definitely see your wife’s perspective, but you disagreeing with everything she said, makes me believe that she is right within what she is saying. I think you are putting your wife second to your sister ether intentionally or unintentionally.

Why are you sending money to your sister for her grown ass adult kid? If your niece is old enough to marry, she doesn’t need money from you

Judging by the comments here, you're in for a nasty shock come counseling, I imaging the counselor will only echo what we've all said, time to cut sister off financially and time to be active in your CHOSEN family's life, you will loose them OP. You realize that counseling is the last straw for your wife? It certainly reads as such, if this fails, your marriage has failed because you allowed yourself to let your wife and daughter down, time and time again. Every time you turn up for your niece or sister your letting them down, every time you send your sister money, your letting them down, this whole marriage thing now, your letting them down.

I would encourage you to talk with your daughter about how she would feel seeing you walk her cousin down the aisle before her own wedding. I’m not like-sisters close with my cousin, and had complicated enough feelings watching my dad do father-daughter stuff with my younger half-sisters that he never did with me. I’d have even more complicated feelings watching him walk a cousin down the aisle before my own wedding. I’d also encourage you to talk with your niece’s mother. She may be all onboard with your niece’s desire to be walked down the aisle by a father figure - I know my single mother would be hurt if I chose a father figure rather than the mother who stepped up and did all the mothering and fathering herself.

I know what your wife's problem is. You don't love her, and she can tell. You have a wife and kid because that's what people do. Marriage counseling won't fix that. It may or may not 'make her straighten up and fly right' for a while, but the problem will still be there.

I was in the situation where my partner was very close to their best friend. Had been at the birth of her kids, lived with her when first kid was born until kid was 3, emergency contact for kids, weekly babysitting, big birthday & Xmas gifts etc etc A few people in the broader social circle assume they were the other parent legally. They were a surrogate parent essentially. Way beyond « cool aunty/uncle ». Early on in our relationship I accepted it, but after a few too many times of coming second fiddle (amazing how many emergencies happened on our date nights, or discussions about the kids dominating a date) I put my foot down and said our relationship and potential family needed to be the priority if our relationship was to continue. That he couldn’t drop everything any time the friend called. That the closeness with the kids wasn’t the issue it was the being essentially the partner of the best friend. That I was worried I would never be the priority. That if we had kids our family wouldn’t be the priority. I suggest you do not make excuses and actually listen to what your wife is saying. Her experience and feelings are very real. I hope you are open enough to save your marriage.

This update is funny because it's exactly how I guessed your wife was feeling when I read your OP. I just want to say that therapy will not work if you're going to continue to be dismissive of your wife's perceptions and feelings. You have to be open and hear her out. It doesn't mean that she's right and you're wrong but you chose to marry her and now you're hearing that your wife feels she and your daughter are coming in second to your sister and niece and that you're less emotionally available to your wife than to your sister. All of this should alarm you and you should care that you've made your wife feel this way.

Yeah him just not saying anything was…not great 

Yeah that was incredibly odd to me as well. It seems like the obvious and perfect time for reassurance?? But instead OP says he just did and said… nothing. It makes me wonder if OP has historically been emotionally absent at times his wife has been vulnerable or needing reassurance / attention. It wouldn’t make it right, but it would give a lot of context to why she’d have negative feelings about what would seem to strangers as such a wholesome event (OP walking the niece down the isle)

You still missing the point with your wife and dismissing her feelings

OP, at this point it's not only about giving your niece away at her wedding. Because if that's just the case, that shouldn't be a problem. But I guess it's just coming to a head in this issue and there may be pent-up emotions of going second or having to "compete". You may not be committing adultery but if she feels like her husband has two families, that can hurt too.

Is there any truth to what she said about there being a greater sense of emotional intimacy between you and your sister? Maybe something to think about before you start counseling.

YTA If your own family feels like an afterthought then you failed as a husband and a father, period

I think you keep dismissing your wife and her feelings. Maybe going to counselling will help you see that.

He dismissed his wife’s feelings immediately. Has been sending his sister money for the at least the last decade even though the niece is 26. The wife probably raised his children alone while he played family with his sister and niece. Hopefully she files for divorce so he can go and be happy with his sister. Probably his children are in his life only because of their mother.

OP, whether or not you or any redditor thinks your wife is being unreasonable, please remember not to dismiss what she is feeling (rightly or wrongly). Her feelings are her feelings. She needs to know that you heard her concerns and that you take them seriously. Counseling is a good idea to get you two back on the same page and to sort out what is a reasonable take on your relationship with sis snd niece. Not saying your wife’s feelings are valid; not saying there not. That’s for the therapist to help you work through. I’m sorry she waited this long to raise the issue with you. This is a step in the right direction. Hopefully you treat it as such.

OP's wife actually didn't wait this long to raise the issue. In the first post, he says she's brought up her concerns and feelings many times through the years. I have to assume he treated her the same as now: You and your feelings are irrelevant. If you try to talk about it, I will shut you down again and again.

Given the way that OP has been continually dismissing her and saying that her opinion is irrelevant, I'm thinking she's been voicing it for a long time. OP had just been ignoring it until it came to a time when he really, really, really wants to do something for his niece and sister that's an incredibly public/important milestone.

I think your take is spot on. OP comes across in his posts as a little full of himself.

Yeah, he's a great father and husband... just not to his own daughter and actual wife.

From reading both post I have a feeling your wife is right. You sound like your more there for your sister then your wife. You need to talk to also have an open conversation with your daughter.

I read it exactly the same way.

My dad was not in the picture and my uncle(his brother) walked me down and stood with me. But your wife’s objections are definitely not about this. I’m not saying you or her are correct. From your post she is feeling left out of your relationship. She doesn’t feel like she is a priority to you. Whether she is the type of person that likes to manipulate or not I don’t know. But on the off chance she is not, then you need to listen. Just because you don’t see what she sees doesn’t make her wrong. But what we perceive and the feelings that go along with this are not to be ignored and the person should not feel like they are being ridiculous. You should also talk to your daughter and most definitely not dismiss what she has to say because you disagree. I kind of get the feeling you would do more trying to control the conversation with your daughter instead of actually listening. Like you did with your wife. Marriage counseling is definitely a must.

You can't disagree with her feelings. They are her feelings and perspective. You need to acknowledge them and maybe see from her side. How would you feel in her shoes.

Have you actually been the dad that you think you have? I need you to REALLY assess how your daughter feels about you and her cousin, rather than just go off of how you feel about it. Talk to her. She might just be playing "yes everything is fine" because she feels guilty and like a bad kid if she was to speak out. She could be feeling neglected but putting a brave face on. Saying this because my dad was a deadbeat to myself and my brother, though when you ask him he is in denial about it. When my aunt suddenly became a single mother after her partner was imprisoned (I was about 16?), he jumped at the chance to be a father figure for my younger cousins (6 & 3) and showed up for them in ways he never did for his own kids- going over every day, taking them to sports practice and fishing, constantly talking praise about them. I'm glad my cousins gained a bit of stability, but it was the contrast that hurt a lot. It was like a do-over family. My whole life I only knew him as a dad who was stuck in his own world PC gaming and watching youtube when he was at home and was completely disinterested in me as a person unless he needed something. He was absent despite living in the same house. Up until earlier this year he would have said that me and him have a close relationship and there's no resentment- but that's because I always protected his feelings and let him vent to me, so he felt that I was close to him. But he didn't know me at all. I was very resentful the whole time. Now I'm 29 and tired of that and we don't speak any more because he can't accept my version of events.

I’m glad you guys came to an agreement that allows you to walk your niece down the aisle.  It sounds like your wife feels like second best.  Maybe it’s time to focus on her now that your niece is leaving the nest.   Maybe start taking your wife out on dates and wooing her again.  Marriage counseling will be helpful and hopefully give both of you suggestions in how to strengthen and improve your marriage. 

Let's analyse it this way. How often do you spend time with your sisters family then your own family.

Yanno to begin with I was like NTA and I don't necessarily think YATA but I do think your intentions are misdirected. I can understand you supporting your sister until your niece was like 21 max, but shes 26 now? Your sister can't rely on you forever and I think the other comment here about putting the money in savings so if theres ever an emergency you can consider helping then is a good idea. That's way more sibling like. I can see why your wife is annoyed because it sounds almost like spousal maintenance payments at this point. It's not weird or creepy to walk your niece down the aisle but I can see where it would get your wifes back up with everything else included. Ask your wife what she needs and what she feels is missing for her. People don't act jealous unless they feel they're missing out. Ask her to focus on how she feels and what she needs over what's bothering her about the situation with your sister. Think about it too, is there times your wife wanted something and you couldn't afrord it? Whether thats going out or a gift? Do you surprise her with things? Stop thinking about her jealousy towards your sister and start thinking about what you do and don't do as a damn husband. Just because you think you're husband of the year doesn't mean you're actually fufilling your wifes wants and needs. Edit for typo.

I knew the minute I read your first post that you’ve been playing happy family with your sister and her kid and ignoring your wife and kid. She’s telling you but you refuse to acknowledge it. I don’t know what difference counseling will do if you refuse to accept you’re a shit husband and father. YTA or you’re still the asshole I guess

Yeah I'm surprised others don't notice this. It's obvious from his posts.

Definitely weird how your wife talks but it seems apparent with all the time you have spent with your sister, niece and daughter, you’ve neglected your marriage and created an emotional wall by not fostering that relationship.

I still agree that walking your niece down the aisle is the right thing. But given your update I’m starting to understand your wife more. You are super dismissive of her feelings, in favor of your sister. You think bc it’s not your intention that you can’t possibly be causing harm to your marriage or own family. I’m curious how much that happens. I would not be so sure you are such a great dad to your own daughter only she gets to decide that. Certainly you have spun your post as though you don’t play favorites with your niece but maybe you have and just aren’t being fully transparent. I think you might be in so in deep with your sister you can’t see it. You might be more of the problem than you realize.

🎯

It sounds like this is about a lot more than just walking down the aisle. I can also understand that your wife would have liked your first "father of the bride" experience to be shared with your daughter and your wife.

Dude you’re blinded to your immediate family, because you’re helping your sister and niece. It is not wrong to walk her down the aisle but this saying we’ve always had a good relationship to deny any ill feelings from your daughter is dumb…you don’t actually know how she feels because in those moments with you…she could feel great because she doesn’t know if your attention would be split. Learn to ask questions instead of assuming.

To be fair, she probably thought she was marrying a man that was for her but ended up with what probably seems like her view as a more maybe emotionally incestuous relationship with your sister tbh. If she's jealous of the connection and bond and wants to be your sis instead of wife, there is a serious discussion that needs to be had AND a lot of therapy. Good luck. Be kind to your wife in the upcoming days of the wedding

"She then talked about how she sometimes wished she was my sister instead of my wife, because she wished she had that same emotional connection with me that I had with my sister." Holy crap, dude. You need to invest more in your relationship with your wife. Alarm bells are ringing, my man.

Stop disagreeing with her feelings and how she perceives your relationships. It’s not something you can argue away.

Actions speak volumes, and your wife is telling you for years your actions of neglect for her and your daughter by putting them as second place is taking its toll on her. This is issue is just the straw that broke the camels back. She doesn't feel connected to you as you dismiss her emotional feelings and you certainly don't hear her.  She wants you to be more present in your own home with her and your daughter. You may believe you have a close relationship with your daughter but does your daughter feel the same. Does she holds secret resentment for her cousin.  You need to take a step back from your sister and niece and start focusing more on your wife and daughter. Your niece is getting married so why are you still sent money monthly to your sister. She can work and support herself for sure.  You need to go to therapy and have a family vacation where you switch off all devices and spend some quality time with your family and leave your sister and niece at home.  Quality time spent with your wife and daughter is more important than quantity time. You need to do better for your wife and daughter and actually hear what she is saying, not dismiss her and only do what you want to do. Your marriage should be a partnership and you two should be a team but instead you have being tag teaming your wife and daughter out and your sister and niece in. To your wife she feels like she is the second home for you and you have being living a double life. 

Your thoughts are irrelevant here, the fact is SHE felt like you were neglecting her and your child. You might think you weren’t, but she clearly does. And she may very well be right here. So please stop dismissing her feelings. Because that, right there, IS neglecting her. You’re telling her her feelings don’t matter because you don’t think you were neglecting her It sounds like you’re creeping into gaslighting territory to me. Telling her that her memories are wrong

I was on your side in first post but How are you going to invalidate how SHE feels. Those are her feelings for a reason. The way you invalidate her at every point, I kinda understand why she acted the way she did.

You’ve really failed as a husband if you have your wife wishing she was your sister because of how well you’re treating your sister.

> and that she feels like I have taken the role of an SO to my sister, which I disagreed with, but we’ll speak about it in marriage counseling.  You can't DISAGREE WITH A FEELING! Feeling is what she has inside not a statement of fact. She felt your connection with her is weaker than with sister. It is not an accusation, it is her sharing her emotions.  Now you can together work to get rid of those emotions. Also, as the niece is getting married, you should have MUCH more time and attention for your own family. Make sure that wife feels that

OP, I'm glad you were able to discuss this situation like two married adults should. I think the main point of this situation is miscommunication. If your wife had been honest about her feelings, I believe things wouldn't have gotten to the point where she'd be bothered by you walking your niece down the aisle. These are things that cannot remain unsaid, since they end up undermining a relationship little by little. If her needs were not being met to the point where she wanted to be in your sister's shoes in order to receive your attention, she should have said so. As for you, I believe there are things that need to be worked on. You are adults and have a daughter. It takes two to tango. If your wife couldn't talk about the situation without you both ending up arguing with each other, you should've been the bigger person in the situation and opt for a civil conversation instead. This is also part of communication. To notice your partner's discomfort about a situation and, rather than saying that their opinion is irrelevant, be sensitive enough to tell that person that you will listen to them if they can express what bothers them without starting an argument. An advice, I suggest that you also talk to your daughter about her point of view on this situation. If your wife felt uncomfortable, I believe there is a high chance that your daughter will share her feelings. It'd be great for all of you to discuss this in order to evolve together, as a family should. I hope things work out for you and your family, OP! Wish you all a great life.

Emotional enmeshment with your sister can and will leave your wife feeling neglected. It can happen with mothers too. From her perspective, your wife feels as if she’s on the outside looking into your life and not apart of it. That’s no bueno for any romantic relationship.

It’s commendable that you were there for your sister and niece. That being said, it sounds like your wife has some valid points. I hope counseling helps.

>Oh so she’s jealous of your sister being like your second family, that IS weird, your wife is weird >Be sure to let her know that you’re not in love with your sister lol [I was joking](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/0rsOEe9O35) But it turns out I was right on the money

Honestly, giving your niece away wouldn’t be a problem. Using your marital funds to support your sister is likely a huge problem. Your sister is an adult with no minor children to support. Why do you think your wife should be working to provide for your sister?

For what it’s worth there are times with my own husband I tell him I wish he was there for me like he’s there for his family. The wedding thing is weird and I think it’s amazing that you get to walk your niece down the aisle. But don’t disregard your wife’s words. I am the resourceful type who gets stuff done and never asks for help. It doesn’t mean I don’t need it. Somewhere in the marriage she needed you and either didn’t ask or you didn’t listen and it flew over your head. Counseling will help get to the root of that if you open up and listen to her words. From your two posts you sound like a stand up guy who’s all about family. Listen to her words and reflect on things.

“I didn’t really know what to say to that, so I didn’t say anything.” This right here may be the problem.

This seems like good news. I think it’s a good sign that your wife wants to work on things. You may have been deprioritizing her without realizing it or she may need to work on not being jealous that you aren’t 100% focused on her. I hope therapy helps and I’m glad you’re escorting your niece.

I feel like your sister is never going to meet her person and you’re never going to let her do so if y’all keep being so codependent. It’s great to have a relationship with siblings but why would she need a man or a partner when you do pretty much everything one would do? Of course your wife would feel some type of way. You’re prob a “drop everything, Timmy’s in trouble” every time your sister calls kindve guy and now it’s at the detriment of your family. My dad is like that with his nieces but me, I’m basically the after thought. It does suck tbh. I really started to notice when I finally gave him a chance to be a dad. He was giving her spending money, buying gifts, inviting her on trips, hugs and kisses and all but it was awkward when it came to me. My cousin couldn’t understand because he’s always been so great to her and his nephew so she just figured I was being partial and weird. Unfortunately though, he’s never been a father figure to me and probably never will be honestly. He’s also never met my youngest daughter and will probably never see my oldest again but that’s basically what he chose. Op I don’t think this is the kindve relationship you want with your daughter. I’m glad you stepped in for your niece but love, who’s stepping in for your wife and kid? Who’s the backbone for them if you’re constantly being the one for your sis and niece? I’m glad you all are going to counseling because unfortunately I don’t think you actually see the extent this has come to. Doing too much is a thing, it’s time to loosen the cord.

This is emotional incest. I've been the niece. My grandmother had this idea for her son to pose as my father. My mother didn't get an opinion. The grandmother was a narcissist, her son a golden child, her daughter the scapegoat (not a rebellious one.) All emotionally immature and unhealthy people, with all sorts of enmeshment between them, they did not think this through in the least. He was my de-facto father for five years, then he got married and his wife nipped the whole thing in the bud. The cutoff was extremely harsh, and she was very hostile for my entire childhood. Losing him as a father figure was so traumatic. As he passed, his wife wanted to have a relationship, mostly for the sake of her kids, but the whole situation and her handling of it left a lasting impression. I realize now she was dealing with an extremely weird and challenging family dynamic, even if she did not care about the aftermath for me.

Dude, you’ve been told pretty clearly that your wife thinks you’re a shit husband and a shit father. Start making more of an effort with them BEFORE you start counseling.

I called it...lol.I knew the wife was feeling resentment on the time he spent with his niece. Hopefully, counseling will get them all back on track.

I think, before you make a final decision, based on how your wife feels, it might be worthwhile to ask your daughter how she feels about you walking your niece down the aisle. I understand where you’re coming from but if your wife feels she’s been coming in second place to your sister and niece over the years, imagine how your daughter might feel, especially over something as monumental as walking someone who isn’t your daughter down the aisle.

I hope you really listen to your wife in counseling. Put aside your defensiveness. For example, the issues are not the reality of whether you’re more invested in your niece and your sister. The issues are your wife’s feelings. As I read your initial posts, I had a sense of your wife’s feelings that she was playing 2nd fiddle. I think you bear some responsibility for that. Don’t dismiss her feelings, as you are implying in this update. You two can fix this. UpdateMe

Oof, you’re a great uncle and brother, but have failed as a partner and parent. Talk about overcompensating. You were so worried about your niece not having a dad that your daughter didn’t have a dad. YTA. Not for waking your niece down the aisle but at how you’ve handled life. I feel so bad for your wife and kid always being second to a family the couldn’t compete with. You did this.

YTA this marriage is over.  > she wished she had that same emotional connection with me that I had with my sister. I didn’t really know what to say to that, so I didn’t say anything It's comically obvious you don't even love her, not sure why you are even bothering with counseling. 

Show your wife the post so we can get her perspective when she hits back on Reddit like that other wife today

Would really love to hear the wife’s pov. Because this is screaming missing reasons.

Yeah, counseling is definitely needed.

May also help to check in with your daughter op and see if she feels as your wife does and family therapy may also help. Your daughter may not feel left out of things and be completely content re your relationship but it may help your wife to hear that. Good luck and do hope it's resolved ok.