Just because you're used to it, doesn't make it right. Your husband was probably keeping out of the way on purpose, you need to sit him down and lay out exactly what you expect of him when it comes to his Mother. He will always take her side if you don't, is that what you want for the rest of your marriage?
exactly. just because it's common/happens often, doesn't mean it's normal. your husband immediately jumping on you for your comments but not saying anything about the tirade his mum went on WHILE THERE WERE GUESTS PRESENT really does say that he's not as much of an amazing husband as you may think, OP. NTA.
My thoughts exactly. It took a lot for me to see how awful my own parents were acting towards my husband. Once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it! It can be fixed!
NTA. It sounds like she was pushing you to snap anyway. I thought a quiet dinner just meant the two of you, not that you had guests present at this point as well. The fact that your MIL feels comfortable enough to berate you in front of your husband and guests in your own flipping home speaks volumes of how out of control she's gotten. It is also upsetting to see that he is angry at You for hurting his mother's feelings. What about Your feelings? Those are more important as his wife.
First, get your key back. She has lost any privilege to have one. Second, you need to sit down with your husband and create some boundaries with his mother. It is his responsibility to keep his mother in line and respectful of you. I understand that he was trying to distract the guests but he should have still said something to his mother even if he took her into another room and quietly laid down the law. He needs to understand that you will no longer be subject to these comments from his mother. You two must come to an agreement on boundaries and consequences for his mother going forward. He needs to have your back. Third, the three of you need to have a sit down conversation to discuss the agreed upon boundaries and consequences. If your MIL won't respect them, she no longer needs to be welcome in your home. He needs to understand that you might have to go LC with her also. Finally, if all of that goes sideways then you need to take a good long look at your marriage and if you want to go into counseling. Your husband needs to understand that he's adding to the problem by not backing you up. I hope he does better in the future. Best of luck OP!
Amazing husband will give his mom a spare copy.
I agree with the Redditor from India. I would talk to him one more time and be as clear as possible: why didn't he jump to protect her feelings when his mother was insulting her in front of everyone, and what is he going to do to fix it. And if there are no changes - I would gather my ducks in a row, get a job somewhere away, separate finances (not a bad idea, Mil!) and bail out of the marriage. Also, OP, use BC religiously, if you get pregnant this woman will be in your life forever!
It is possible to have a good marriage when being NC with ILs. Me and my husband were different ethnicities, and both of our families were very racist (more correclty nationalists, because we were the same race, but it was pretty much as racist in US). Both of us were NC with our ILs. It worked. My friend was in the same situation and tried to win her MIL with kindness. By the age of 44 she had several nervous breakdowns, and her Mil still behaved like 20 years ago (it went as far as going to a courthouse and officially renaming my friends child, because MIL didn't like the previous name). I don't wish this life to anyone.
How did your friend's Mil manage to change her grandchild's name? Where im from, for one parent to legally change a child's name, both parents have to be present and sign the documents. Either parent can register the child but both have to been present to change anything on that birth certificate. And as both parents are alive, any document she puts forward would be fraudulent and all your friend needed to do was report it. Once that's done, the Mil would be out of the picture because thats a jailable offense and getting a RO wouldn't be hard afterward either. Also, where was your friend's husband when his mother was tormenting his wife?
My friend's husband was almost as amazing as OP's husband. He was the only son, respectful and loving and kept telling his wife to be a bigger person and to be more patient with his mom.
He went to the courthouse with his mom, because he didn't want to hurt mom's feelings.
Idk what did the trick: MIL's unbeatable charisma, a power of attorney, or a bribe (3rd world country), but they succeeded.
That is why I didn't get our key back, I just lost my keys a week after the surprise visit, changed the locks, and told my husband that there was no need for anybody else to have our keys.
What have you done about emergencies if nobody else has a key to your home? /s
I know it’s a common thing for people to give out at least one spare key for emergencies but I can’t think of a single time that has been necessary. My FIL was given a spare set to our house from the start along with two of my sisters. The locks have been changed at least 4x since then but we stopped giving out spare keys after the second time the locks were changed.
I think this may be India and sadly this is so common. A daughter-in- law does not have any actual right to be respected. Unless, of course the men in the house say so. Her husband and MIL could beat the hell out of her and nothing would come of it. OP should just get away from the crazies and move away from them. This will never end only escalate.
Yep can confirm, American woman once engaged to Indian man, the mother threatened to beat me, son took her side so I fuckin left. Fuck that noise, have fun dating mommy ya spineless little he-bitch.
Are you serious?? She threatened you?? The minute the words left her mouth, she'd be knowing up close and personal what the floor looked and tasted like. And if he had something to say in her defense, he can join her down there.
What was the aftermath if you don't mind me asking?
As someone who works in child protection. Indian/ Muslim cultures are terrible. Yesterday we had a poor mum got her head cracked open by her under 10yo kids because that's what the dad used to do. It's disgusting, respect for being a woman is only given if a man deems you worthy of it.
As a black man who's dating a girl with an Indian background who was previously married to an Indian man, I can confirm it's that bad. In the initial stages I had to convince her that I wasn't going to beat her if she did something wrong like burn dinner. Then I had to convince her that yes, she can say no to sex if she isn't in the mood. The list goes on and on
At this point I would change the locks and let mommy's precious little boy use her key as intended. It is obvious he does not have her back. If and when he can grow a spine and support his wife he (and not Mommy) can have a key to the new locks. Counseling is definitely needed here.
(he's not as much of an amazing husband as you may think)
No kidding. OP should tell him and his cow of a mommy to go off hand in hand, snare little miss perfect and free OP of their noxious presence.
This is how things aregoing to be for the rest of her life if she doesn’t get this under control right now. I give it 50-50 or less. Woman, secure your credit and finances, ID and valuables, and be on the lookout for a good divorce srrorney. and safe landing spot. Also, keep a detailed log of all this crap, and for God’s sake DON’T GET PREGNANT.
Sorry, but I’m way in on the “don’t get pregnant” advice. It’s unacceptable how he stood by while she so viciously attacked you, but to then get upset with you for hurting his mom’s feelings?!?! This is really, really bad. So I’ll repeat, DON’T GET PREGNANT.
Almost goes without saying.
But, it has to be said over and over. There's only one certain way to avoid pregnancy, furthermore.
She needs to have a sit down with him.
I agree Juliaskig. My stepfather raised 3 of us like his own . Couldn't of asked for a better stepfather. However, his loyalty lies first and foremost with my Mum. Doesn't matter who it it is, anyone speaks derogatory to her or upsets her he fiercely defends her. It's admirable and exactly how it should be. If that were my stepfather he would of removed his mother himself at the first sign of disrespect shown.
I totally agree!
OP is NTA here, your MIL's mouth and mind are dirty, you to tell her husband about what you're feeling. His priority must be you because you are now his family. If she sides with your MIL, go get a divorce and move on because if you don't, your married life would be miserable because of your MIL.
You both need to be on the same page and be a united front. MIL is deliberately trying to make your marriage fail and turn your husband against you. You need to both go LC, and get your key back. If he won’t grow a spine and push back against his mother then he is a mammas boy and doesn’t deserve to be married to anyone, especially you. The ball is in his court now.
So true. My daughter went through the same thing. Her parents-in-law berated her in front of her husband, he did not defend her and it eventually led to her leaving and divorcing him. She is now happier than she ever was before.
Every time I read one of these out of control MIL posts I'm extra grateful that I didn't marry the guy who refused to set boundaries with his mom. As bad as things were with her, it would have been even worse after marriage and especially if we'd had kids. Luckily the lady he's with now put her foot down as soon as they made it official, mommy must have boundaries or the relationship would not continue. He either learned from our arguments about the issue, or cared more when she made the same demand, either way it worked out and they've been very happy together for over a decade and minimal attempts at interference from his mom.
And change the locks immediately so her key no longer works. Tell hubs he better get on-board if he would like a key to the new locks. And MIL does NOT get one, ever.
Your "wonderful hubs" is a "Momma's boy" who gives his Mommy the ammunition with which to ridicule and be hateful to you. It is time he stop. And he needs to straighten his Mommy out. Her behavior is atrocious and he is allowing it!! Hubs is no-so-wonderful.
OP is NTA. This was long overdue.
***RIGHT...*** Girl, you have a *MASSIVE* husband problem that's far outweighing your MIL problem. You should not have had to kick your MIL out bc your husband should have shut her shit down years ago from the sound of it. My husband (56) would **NEVER** have let his mom talk to me (47) like that, he'd have cut her off completely if she'd tried that shit. The one time she accused me of not caring for him well enough during an illness, he *immediately* threatened to cut contact if she ever pulled that shit again. And that was a mother concerned about her sick child who let her emotions get away from her. We had been married for over 15 years when she passed almost a decade ago. You really need to get your husband to grow a damn spine.
This, 100%. When my dad overstepped a boundary with my wife, I pulled him aside and quietly ripped him a new orifice. Never had a problem since, and the level of respect my wife commands in his house is astounding. He doesn’t have to be mean, just firm, but it would make a huge difference for this woman to hear it from her son, instead of her DIL/perceived nemesis. Parents eventually die, leaving us alone with the decisions we’ve made, or failed to make. If you decide to back your mom instead of your SO, then when mom dies, alone is exactly what you’ll be.
This brings to mind a conversation I recently had, in which I was asked if I’m a lover or a fighter. My argument is that you cannot be a lover without being a fighter, because when it comes down to the wire, you *will* have to fight for those you love. OP, I’m sure your husband is a great guy, and maybe he is just afraid of what his mom might do, but he needs to pick a side and stand behind it. Might be time to have a conversation about values and boundaries, and how to manage them as a team.
lol, he’s healed up rather well. And our relationship is better than ever, simply because I stood up for my wife. It earned me a lot more respect from him than I had before.
Wow that's awesome! I'm glad to see dudes like you exist, this world could definitely use more people like you! Mommy's boys are especially rampant in certain parts of the world, but it's hard telling them apart from the good ones. I wish people had better understanding of parent-child relationships and whereto draw the line, it's really needed.
This. I don’t know why men find it so hard to put another man in his place, whether it be a relative or a friend. You will earn greater respect for your wife and yourself from the person you’re trying to get through to, if you lay down the law. I mean, this is the way. But so many men care more about their image than to stand up for what’s right, even when you know the outcome will (even if it’s not right away) be positive. This is what being a real man is about. Countless men just don’t have the balls to do this. I applaud you, sir.
Your husband needs to use that set of keys to his mom’s place to break in and find his Big Boy Pants that mommy dearest has been hiding from him.
Then put them on, apologize to his wife, grow a spine, and tell his mom to go pound sand.
Tell me why I read this and pictured OP’s husband going into his mother’s room, putting on *her* panties, and saying “I’m a big boy now!” with a self-satisfied grin
That’s sort of an important point. So she said all this with an audience and your husband said nothing to back you up? Your guests must have been mortified to have witnessed this.
She sounds like the most rude person on the planet. Your husband needs to choose which horse he wants to back here but it sounds like he’s already chosen.
NTA. Throw the whole boy and his mum out.
Was your husband busy enough distracting your guests that he didn't hear what your MIL was saying? If so, you need to spell it out, just like you did here.
Even if he did hear, maybe it didn't register how bad it was, and you need to make that clear. Maybe show him this post.
Otherwise, like others have said, you have a husband problem more than a MIL problem.
So she comes into your home, uninvited and unannounced and criticized you over and over i front of your friends and your husband is upset because you hurt his mommy’s feelings?!? Seriously?!?
Get that key back or change the locks. You know she will come in to snoop when you’re not home.
Also shut down all those phone calls. If it’s a land line, get the gadget that shows who’s calling and let it go to voicemail. By any chance are you guys from India? And the MIL is putting you down in front of guests? And she just lets herself in with no warning? 😑
She did and said all this in front of your friends!!! That’s really nasty. Change the locks, let her use the wrong key and have a wasted journey. She will continue her rants until your husband steps up and tells her that he loves you, he chose you and he’s very happy with you! She needs to see the writing on the wall and it has to come from your husband. OP you’ve held your patience long enough. No more!
NTA but you have a husband problem. He should’ve been the one to throw her out long before you snapped. You don’t have an amazing husband, even if you’re trying to tell yourself MIL is the only issue.
This can’t be real. Your MIL comes in unannounced while you have guests, and proceeds to lecture you for what must have been at least 15-30 minutes? And you sit idly by and do nothing that entire time, nor does your husband? Sorry but no, none of this ever happened.
I may be reading too much into it, but the food prepared was Indian. If MIL is Indian and from an upper caste and OP is non-Indian or from a lower caste that may explain the behavior of MIL. She sees OP as hurting their family status.
Doesn't excuse MILs behavior but may explain it.
OP NTA
Entirely plausible. I hear it a lot unfortunately. Overly attached parenting, coddling the son, and crying the moment someone talks back because it breaks the social rules which they use to bully their young - sounds very realistic
Any daughter-in-law in India is screwed. She must bow down to MIL and accept physical punishment if MIL deems or they just harass her parents for more money . It's not a good place for a lot of women. If never seen Indian soap operas. The MIL is usually the horrid antagonist
Some MIL can do all of this in just a few minutes. It’s like their evil superpower. Mine can ruin a whole meal while acting mostly pleasant.
It’s goes about like this:
Takes middle child’s drink away because he won’t eat if he drinks too much while making comments about what’s on his plate.
Makes a comment that we were more strict with our oldest leaving the table during a meal while the youngest is allowed to leave whenever (she’s a nonverbal ASD toddler that gets overwhelmed with 6 adults and two children at the table talking).
Now four of the adults are irritated with the obvious favoritism she shows towards the oldest
Next she makes a backhanded compliment about something on the table.
Then she’s pontificating about a non table topic annoying all the adults (politics, her business deals and how many influential people she knows are favorites.
She gets up to go get the toddler causing a meltdown. Her own husband tells her to sit down and stop.
Brings up how strict we were on the oldest again and decides to go smoke a cigarette.
This is why she get banned from the house for a while. It took her three months to apologize the last time and she’s mostly behaved since then. My husband has thrown her out and I have too. It just depends on who gets fed up first. Thankfully he knows all about her nonsense.
Not only that but OP tells MIL to stop meddling in their marriage bcuz she’s causing problems between them and MIL………….cries?! Why would she cry? Wasn’t that the whole point? Isn’t she trying to replace OP w/church lady?
A whole lot of tropes in this one, and all happening at once.
ETA: if this *is* real, then OP needs to get that key back. I expect spare keys to be very infrequent or for emergency use. This is neither. MIL is way too comfortable.
It was more like 2-5 minutes of her yelling before I looked at my friend, she looked mortified and her husband looked uncomfortable. I then kicked her out. The entire interaction lasted less than 10 minutes.
Lordt, I swear. They gotta go through all 5 stages of grief a half dozen times before finally understanding the mans actively choosing to disregard his marital vows. and is 👏🏻choosing 👏🏻his 👏🏻mother.
So, your "amazing husband" let her yell at you for several minutes? If you were in the same (since you we're able to make eye contact with your guests) as your guests, why the hell didn't he intervene?
Yeah same amazing husband listened to her being abused and humiliated for her cooking, etc, everything and THEN heard his MOM say there was another woman for him at church... and said nothing. I don't care HOW anti-confrontational hubs is... THIS WAS THE TIME TO BE LIVID AND BE A MAN about it! I can be non-confrontational too but when it comes to myself. Hurt someone I love and you will see the beast come out.
That's 10 minutes too long. Her ass should have been escorted out the second she walked in unannounced.
Oh and get the key back or change the locks!!! 🤦
You can get locks that have only the set keys it came with and they can't be duplicated, but they're expensive. Or, you can get a number lock with a combination that you change every time the stupid husband give the MIL the code.
You're burying the lead. WHAT happened once you kicked her out? What did your husband finally have to say to you or about it all? You have left him out of this. Plus I thought ur husband was busy distracting ur friends.
If your husband feels that YOU are in the wrong after this interaction, I suggest you have a little chat with him. Try to go through Mommy’s points one by one and find out which ones you should not have opposed. The part about you being a gold digger? The part about having Mommy pick out a different girl for him to marry? Or just the part about you not cleaning enough - because that one can easily be solved by HIM
starting to clean instead!
Have him tell you EXACTLY what parts of Mommy’s speech that you were supposed to agree to? And if he can’t find any good bits in there, why is he angry about it at all?
The fact that your husband said and did nothing and then blamed you for making his mom feel bad??
Time for a serious sit down and time for him to set boundaries with his mom.
Your husband let his mother yell all these awful things at you and forced you to take action to remove her from your house? He’s fine with this vitriol from his family and wants you to be silent and accepting of verbal abuse from his parents? NTA but you are the AH to yourself if you stay with him. Your husband isn’t “amazing”, he thinks very little of you. I guarantee he will start shopping for a different wife (if he hasn’t already). Leave ASAP.
….or this post is fake. It’s too insane.
You need to explain what is happening with the burning house analogy - while his mom tries to burn down your marriage you are the only one trying to pit out the fires while he stands in the street watching.
This will continue until HE outs a stop to it.
Why hasn't he stepped in before and handled his mother? She can ask for all the personal information in the world but you're not obligated to answer her questions. She openly said that your husband should leave you and marry the woman of her choice. And your husband...did nothing ...said nothing?
You don't have an MIL problem, you have a husband problem. I would suggest marriage counselling to try and make him understand that he's married to you, he chose you and he made vows to you and it's well past the time he cut the umbilical cord.
Block his mother from contacting you, make sure the locks are changed and stop the info train. Double up on contraception. Don't bring a baby into this mess. He needs to realise he's a husband before he's a son.
NTA. Your husband is not amazing if he's spineless and doesn't stand up for you. You should be his priority, not mommy and her feelings. MIL did this to herself. How much of her crap are you supposed to take. Get your key back, and don't contact her for a while.
Wait wait wait. She did this IN FRONT of guests!? And not only did your husband didn’t shut it down immediately, he’s upset with YOU for hurting her? Girl you have a husband problem not an MIL problem.
You teach people how to treat you! You are allowing this behavior and it’s time to stop putting up with her bs. You also have a SO problem that’s going to require therapy or at least marriage counseling. The sooner the better! Take yours keys back from her or change the locks. It’s rude to go to someone else’s house and let yourself in unannounced! This is your husband’s responsibility to reel in his mother! I would give him the 2 card choice. Either therapy or divorce attorney his choice. Then follow through with it!
Your husband is not as amazing as you think he is. This is HIS mother and HE needs to be the one putting her in her place. If he had handled her like he was supposed to, her wittle feelings wouldn't be hurt.
Sounds like there are three people in your marriage. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband about boundaries and what is and is not appropriate for MIL.
Look. I'm sure your husband is amazing in many, many ways. But he's FAILING you here. It is his job to wrangle his mother, not yours. You should have been the one keeping the guests occupied while HE explained to his mother how inappropriate she was being by turning up unannounced and ushering her out of the door in short order. Have you told him everything she said to you? Ask him this: why is it okay for his mother to upset you, but not okay for you to upset her? Why are his mother's feelings more important than yours? Why isn't he pulling her up on it? And finally: Why has she still got that key??? (For the love of your sanity, get it back and give her a timeout from your home until she can learn some respect. YOU are NTA. But your amazing husband is, just a little.
She did this in front of guests?!? Oh fuck no...
If your husband doesn't put on his big boy pants and shut this down you should really consider if you want this to be the rest of your life.
A better use of his time would be him taking his mother by the hand and walking her to the porch, quietly asking why she was insulting his wife with things that aren’t even true.
Oh girl, you have a husband problem. In one single visit, she comes in unannounced, trashing your cooking, your housekeeping skills, your financial situation, and urges him to go be with someone else, meanwhile, your husband does what? Sits there like the spineless jellyfish he seems to be and does nothing? How do you think she gets all the details of your life? He's telling her.
You're delusional if you think your husband is amazing. He's a passive AH who sits by while his wife gets verbally pummeled by his precious Mommy. I'd tell her she can have him and kick him the fuck out. A man like that, who can't defend his wife, is not worth fighting over. NTA, but you need a reality check and to have a big long discussion with your husband.
The good thing for op is that their friends witnessed in real life how spineless that jellyfish of a man is, his reputation will definitely take a nose dive.
Honestly even as a guest I probably would have gone off on her a bit. (Probably why my best friends mom doesn't like me 😊) If people want to play the nit pick game let's play because I don't put up with that.... I look sweet till I'm angry then I have been told I look like a mini demon
Why is every "amazing husband" accompanied by a Karen mom?
I'm glad my husband doesn't consider himself amazing in exchange that his mom barely talk to us
Nta btw
I mentioned that on yt on a reddit video, every time they start praising someone, the next paragraphs is proving how that first statement is very inaccurate...
NTA
You don't have an amazing husband. You have a mama's boy. Good luck to you, because for as long as you're with him, she's going to verbally abuse you and he'll be mad that you won't just take it.
I wonder if he would be so quiet if your father marched into your house and insulted every single thing about him, then you told him off for being upset? Somehow, I doubt it.
Edit - apparently, you had visitors at this time. And wow. There is no apology or explanation that can ever excuse this behaviour or your husband's pathetic response.
I can..OP is praising him for what? He feels invincible atp.. mommy's got his back and his wife doesn't hold him responsible but praising him for his nonsense. Why would the husband feel the need to change?
In front of guests. Let’s not forget the audience that MIL had for her tirade. She was insanely disrespectful in front of guests.
Then MIL is boo-hooing when she’s told to stop.
Husband needs to get his head out of wherever he’s stuck it and stop his mother from humiliating herself like this again.
My MIL used to walk into my house and start pointing out everything she didn’t like, then say she could fix it for us since we clearly couldn’t (while I was actively working on bigger projects in the house) . My wife insisted she was “just being helpful” until I asked her “how? How is she helping at all by pointing out every issue she can find? And in what world is it okay to walk into someone else’s house and just insult everything?”
I still don’t think she actually got it. But she didn’t have an argument for what I said, so she did ask her mother to stop talking shit every time she came over (uninvited)
I had a mama’s boy (still married to him). We had a bit of interference when we were moving away. Nothing this severe, but pretty awful (she was going behind my back to deliberately try to make my husband anxious and afraid to move). What stopped the interference was saying something to effect “Don’t you dare interfere with our marriage. You are extended family and have zero control of or vote in how we run our family.” She tried to give me the silent treatment for three months. Once she realized I seriously don’t give a care if we see her or not, she apologized.
Mama’s boys are used to having a strong woman take the lead , if you have to stand up for yourself and your marriage , do it. He has been conditioned and abused for years to be quiet to keep his mother happy. You can stand up and put the “not on my watch “ foot down.
Also, Moving 10 hours away was the best thing ever.
So, just to clarify, you husband allowed his mommy to barrage you with insults and suggested he divorce you and marry the woman she picked out and he allowed her to do that?
NO real man would allow his mommy to do that. Your husband is a typical "momma's boy" and that's not going to change. He's concerned about his mommy's feelings but was fine with her hurling toxic insults at his wife. Again a REAL man would never allow that.
You need to give your husband 2 cards. One for a marriage counsellor (preferably one who deals with mamma's boys) and one for a divorce lawyer. Tell him he's got 24 hours to pick one.
NTA but without some heavy duty therapy you can't fix a mamma's boy.
In front of guests, no less. What the actual f@ck!
Absolutely unacceptable on her part, and he needs to step up and make sure that she knows that he won't tolerate her being so wildly disrespectful and intrusive.
NTA
I have two questions: 1) are you both the same race/religion? 2) why do you think your husband is amazing when he allows his mother to verbally abuse you?
I’m sorry you gave your heart and trust to a SEVERELY ENMESHED MAMA’S BOY. **She raised him to be a perpetual bachelor who’s not allowed to love any woman but her.**
That awful woman only wanted to set him up with that ‘more suitable’ woman because in her twisted mind, the ‘suitable’ woman would have ZERO backbone to demand that the MIL go pound sand.
The ‘suitable’ woman would lie down and allow his mommy to maintain her enmeshed lifestyle with her spineless son, your husband. ICK!
Better; Change locks. And if mamas boy keep on defending her, he doesn’t get one either.
You are not lucky to have him, cause he has a problem with defending you and comes with a horrible mother. You are not a gold digger, because you got gold that turned out to be sh.t, covered with a thin gold layer. One that disappears as soon as mammy comes over.
NTA. But you have a serious husband problem.
Your husband should have shut her down. Let him know that he has no right to be upset with you and the YOU are upset with him for not standing up for you. He didn’t marry his mother!
Your husband isn't wonderful at all. Where was he during these disrespectful exchanges? If he stays quiet, it means he agrees with her and wants you to treat him with the "standards" mommy has him used to. I'm willing to bet he's fed her some lines of "OP doesn't cook like you, clean like you."
You were only TA to yourself for putting up with this for so long. Get a new man if this one isn't going to put in the work.
My husbands mom called me a whore when she met me, after getting super drunk, and when I tried to leave the house with my small Pomeranian at the time, she tried to rip him out of my arms. Husband got between us and protected me and hasn’t spoken to her since. You don’t have an amazing husband, you have a little boy who’s still under his mommy’s thumb.
Oh yeah it was scary af, but my husband is strong guy so he was able to stop her. She was drunk-strong and way bigger than me, and my pom was about 9lbs. Total asshole tbh, some sort of cluster b psychological issue going on there fr.
NTA, but you might have married a mamma's boy that will always side with his intrusive mother. You've been with him for three years, but she's been micromanaging him his whole life, so he might always side with her.
She chose this life. The MIL didn't become this way all of a sudden. OP saw how she was and how her man just put up with it. She then thought that getting married to this situation would be great. 🙄
Some people are raised in or subjected to an abusive environment that erodes their self respect and confidence and makes it easier for unsavory people to take advantage of them. Saying things like she knew what she was choosing is just ignorant and completely ignores the fact that there could be any number of reasons a person ends up in a situation like this. A shitty dude and his overbearing mother took advantage of a person who probably doesn't realize she deserves better. Victim blaming isn't helping anyone here.
NTA. He should have stood up for you and not allow his mom to say and do such hurtful things to the person he loves.
Now this is a very traditional take on marriage, so please feel free to disregard. When it comes to our families, I speak to mine and he speaks to his. BUT if they were extremely disrespectful like she was and my husband isn’t saying it, I will. And I’d expect him to the same. I can’t get mad at him for standing up to them if I weren’t doing it.
In laws can make or break your relationship, especially meddling ones. They will always be there, waiting for you to do something “wrong” and criticize it. Your husband should be your biggest advocate, and I’m sorry that’s not the case in this situation.
I’d take the key back from her immediately. She has no business to step into YOUR home and criticize anything YOU do. It’s disrespectful. You don’t do that to her and it doesn’t feel good - that’s your safe place.
If she goes to church, there’s a scripture that references leaving and cleaving when one gets married. He’s married to you, you’re now his immediate family. She doesn’t get to have any say unless he lets her (which it sounds like he didn’t stop). I’d talk to him about how that makes you feel and how hurtful it is. Like someone mentioned above, pretty sure he wouldn’t like it if your dad came in and nit picked him in his own home. So why’s it any different?
If he can’t stand up for you or see where you’re coming from, consider other options. My dad was a mommas boy and it ruined my parents marriage (among other things, but he could do no wrong and my mom was criticized a lot of nonsensical things). Hope things truly get better 🤍
NTA. Time for a long talk with your husband about how his mother is acting. It is not a good situation, but you need to set some boundaries and your husband needs to get onboard.
I'm sorry to say, but your husband is *not* amazing. You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. He enables her. She let herself in and started belittling you, going off on you and he... was just standing there? Eating dinner as if nothing was happening? And when you push back and demand a modicum of respect, YOU are the bad guy? Fuck no.
Go make a tour of r/JUSTNOMIL, see if you recognize yourself in any of these stories.
NTA.
You should have told her to take her spineless son with her, because you don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. It's his job to set boundaries and to stand up for you to his mother. If he's unwilling or unable to do that, your marriage is NEVER going to work.
You've married your husband and his first wife....his mom. It's never going to get better since he's not on your side. Get joint marriage counseling ASAP, and if he refuses, get out now before ya'll have kids..it'll be easier that way. NTA.
Edit. Change the locks
So your husband just sat there doing absolutely nothing while his mother berated you for being a bad wife? Just throw the whole man away. He didn’t even have your back, he should’ve been the one to put MIL in her place bc that’s his damn mother. Wild. NTA, OP. Nothing will change with MIL bc your husband condones this behavior. As long as he stays subservient to her, she’ll feel like she can walk all over you.
NTA but your husband is. If he puts up with his mom treating you like this, he is not amazing, sis. He's choosing his mother over you, and it sounds like he has been. Why doesn't he care that she hurt your feelings? You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem and the sooner you recognize that, the sooner it can get resolved in one way or another. Listen, you deserve a husband who does not let ANYONE trash talk you and degrade or demean you. Him allowing his mom to treat you like this is him telling her she's right about everything she's saying. You. Deserve. Better!!!
NTA but you also have a husband problem. Tell your husband if he would rather be married to his mommy you will happily step aside. If his answer is no then tell him to grow up and stop giving mommy all this information.
If your husband listened to all that and thinks you're in the wrong, get a divorce, asap. They are doing this together, with a plan to get you to submit to be the woman she's bringing up, get you to quit your job, stay at home, cook all day and be the woman she wants him to have.
If he isn't kicking her out, he wants this and is in on it, with the MIL being the 'hit man' and taking the fall for forcing you towards this.
If you were my partner and my mother acted like, firstly she would never have gotten beyond the front door after using the key for such a shitty reason and if she'd said the rest I would take the key off her, throw her out and tell her you'll expect a full apology for you or she can look forward to a future without me in it.
He chose her side after she attacked you, again. He wants this shit too, he just wants you to become this church going perfect stay at home wife. Run.
Based on this you most definitely do not have an amazing husband.
You seem to have a momma's boy who places him mom over you in his life.
Get her key back and let him use the one his mommy gave him.
NTA
NTA
Your husband is a wuss and HE should be the one to tell his mother to stfu.
Change all the locks on the door to your home, do NOT give her a key, and tell her she is not welcome until she can stop acting like a creepy, mannerless hobo.
And tell your husband to stop swinging from his mommy’s teats and grow a pair. Tell him to set up boundaries with his mannerless mother and then stick to them.
Really bad bit of fiction..2/10. Trying to get every nasty mil insult into one short post was lazy, then asking if you were an AH for asking this fictional mil to leave was really pushing it. Do better
Ur husband should have stopped her not u. U are picking at the wrg problem. Ur problem is ur husband who has not set clear boundaries with his mother. Now they see u as the trouble maker. Ur husband is the AH for letting his mother be a problem n ur MIL has all details of ur life because he willingly tells his mom about it.
U did not marry an amazing husband u married a mommy boy who stands by as his mother insults u infront of him and gets upset at u for having a reaction. Yea ur problem is right infront of u - ur husband.
INFO - Where was your amazing husband and why wasn't he home to stick up for you? Or do you mean amazing son that cares more about his mother than his wife?
NTA. Your husband didn’t kick her out immediately nor reprimanded her for her rudeness. You have a husband problem. Since you have a job you should file for divorce. Get rid of him and you get rid of her. Don’t put up with this bull crap. Life is meant to be beautiful and enjoyed. Staying in this marriage is ugly and terrible.
I haven't heard (read) one word that indicates your husband is amazing. You did list a ton of reasons why your husband is in fact the root of your problems. He can shut down MIL, if he wanted. He doesn't want to. His escape clause is mommy dearest. Unless he takes radical action immediately, things will get worse and you'll waste years being married to MIL.
NTA but you have a husband problem he should never ever have allowed her to talk to you like that. He is not “amazing” if he’s standing by while she butts in, meddles and criticizes you. Change the locks and tell him to tell her to butt out or you’re done.
You did not overreact and NTA. Why isn't your husband defending you? Your MIL had stepped way over the line and needs to stay out of your marriage. Full stop.
>married to my amazing husband
Hate to break it to you, but you don't have an amazing husband. An amazing husband would have put a stop to his mom's nonsense immediately and kicked her out himself. The fact that he is upset with you and how you dealt with the situation and not with how his mom spoke to and about you is another indication of just how un-amazing he is. Your problem is your husband, not your MIL. You meed to have a serious discussion with your husband about appropriate boundaries and your expectations.
NTA for telling her not to meddle.
You have less of a MIL problem and a bigger husband problem. That he didn't step in the shut her down speaks volumes and then for him to worry about her "feelings", what about your feelings, you're NTA, you're husband and mil are big time AH's...
Your husband is not amazing if he let his rude mom come into your home that you also pay for, critique your cooking and cleaning and then tell you how much better a different woman would be for him.
That’s not an amazing man at all. It’s a piece of shit man.
You then push back because no one should have to hear this crap and he gets mad at you!?
Yeah no.
NTA
Sorry but your husband doesn’t sound that amazing. Why has he let his mother speak to you this way for three years? Put a stop to it now! Otherwise, your marriage isn’t going to make it.
NTA. Where was your husband during all this? Was he hiding under her skirts while she attacked you?
You married a mama’s boy. He needs to grow up and understand that he is a husband now because I don’t see how this continues with your MIL poisoning him against you and pushing this random lady.
He needs to handle his mother. And you both need to change the locks and not give her the key.
I’m sorry you had to find out now that you married a spineless child. Good luck
Your husband needs to stand up to his mother. I am a mother-in-law to three, I have either a key or a code to get into their houses in an emergency. Emergency being the emphasis here. I would never ever ever let myself in otherwise! Unless she is paying your bills, she has no say in what your house looks like. She has no say in what you cook for dinner. She has no say in anything if she is not paying for it.
Nope. You most certainly did not over react and your husband needs to be 100% with you OR your life is going to be unbearable.
Your husband is the major problem here. The way he lets his mother treat you is disgraceful!
Get her key back and DO NOT allow her in your house unless she has called and you have agreed to have her come over.
But after what she did and said? I wouldn't let the cow in my house.
Go over to the inlaws sub. They will have good suggestions for you.
But your husband needs to make a firm choice now. His mummy or his wife...if he doesn't choose wife? Tell him his marriage could end. And yes. You SHOULD end your marriage if your husband can't pull his mother into line and tell he treats you with respect or she won't see him or you.
And for heaven's sake? STOP telling her any details of your life. Zero. Not her business...at all. Just stop!
Your husband is not amazing. At all. You don’t have a husband, you have a little mommy’s boy. Good luck, you’re gonna need it. Ask him what he would have done if some other old gal bursts into his home and starts talking to him that way?
For context, I think the op is Indian, and so culturally they differ in terms of how meddling the husband's mother is. Desi MIL are on another level of intrusive and it's not going to change. For instance, the MIL was probably treated the same way or even worse from her MIL. So this is her way to extract revenge on what was done to her. It's a never-ending cycle of internalized misogyny.
NTA. But you have a husband problem. Yhe mjnute she was rude to you, he should have made her leave.
My late husband was wonderful at this. His mom was overbearing and seriously up in anyone's business who didn't shut her down. You know what never happened while he was alive? I never heard single complaint she had against me because he would shut her down. He would hang up on her, he would make her leave anytime she even started critiquing our life. Because YOUR marriage is YOUR life. Not HERS.
OP in comments says they had guests over. NTA. This wasn’t a quiet dinner this was a dinner party and MIL dropped in and decided to shit all over OP.
But I think you have a mommas boy husband problem as well as nightmare- in law.
Nta. But you don't have an amazing husband. He willfully allowed you to be abused in your own home (verbal abuse is still abuse) and then is upset when you stood up for yourself? You have a mama's boy. A coward. And someone who has shown you time and again that your comfort and needs are secondary to his mothers. What if you have kids and she disagrees with your parenting? I doubt he will support you against mommy dearest.
I will reiterate that NTA for finally standing up for yourself, but YWBTAH to yourself if you stay in this marriage the way it is now. If it helps, view it as happening to someone else. If a friend or family member told you their spouse stands there and does nothing or actively defends their parent who constantly belittles and demeans your friend/family member, would you not be angry?
Honestly, I’d consider granting your MIL’s wishes and leave your wet noodle of a husband. How dare he let his mother insult you…his wife like that. That’s disgusting behavior from the both of them. You don’t owe his mother an apology. Both your doormat and your MIL owe you a big one, though.
NTA
Info: Why did you not toss her out immediately? And where was your amazing husband while she spewed this crap?
Because I'm used to her jibes at this point and I was just trying to rise above. And he was trying to keep our guests distracted.
Just because you're used to it, doesn't make it right. Your husband was probably keeping out of the way on purpose, you need to sit him down and lay out exactly what you expect of him when it comes to his Mother. He will always take her side if you don't, is that what you want for the rest of your marriage?
exactly. just because it's common/happens often, doesn't mean it's normal. your husband immediately jumping on you for your comments but not saying anything about the tirade his mum went on WHILE THERE WERE GUESTS PRESENT really does say that he's not as much of an amazing husband as you may think, OP. NTA.
Yup. The only thing *amazing* about this spineless mama’s boy is his ability to con OP into thinking he’s all that
Exactly. He obviously cares more about his mom than his wife. And that's not going to change.
You are so right my friend. That will never ever change. Ever.
She has a husband problem, even though the MIL is the instigator
True, you need to set boundaries & he needs to support them.
No. He has become accustomed to the abuse. Big difference.
My thoughts exactly. It took a lot for me to see how awful my own parents were acting towards my husband. Once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it! It can be fixed!
It can. Over time. Understand. My mother is narcissistic as well
🫂🫂🫂
NTA. It sounds like she was pushing you to snap anyway. I thought a quiet dinner just meant the two of you, not that you had guests present at this point as well. The fact that your MIL feels comfortable enough to berate you in front of your husband and guests in your own flipping home speaks volumes of how out of control she's gotten. It is also upsetting to see that he is angry at You for hurting his mother's feelings. What about Your feelings? Those are more important as his wife. First, get your key back. She has lost any privilege to have one. Second, you need to sit down with your husband and create some boundaries with his mother. It is his responsibility to keep his mother in line and respectful of you. I understand that he was trying to distract the guests but he should have still said something to his mother even if he took her into another room and quietly laid down the law. He needs to understand that you will no longer be subject to these comments from his mother. You two must come to an agreement on boundaries and consequences for his mother going forward. He needs to have your back. Third, the three of you need to have a sit down conversation to discuss the agreed upon boundaries and consequences. If your MIL won't respect them, she no longer needs to be welcome in your home. He needs to understand that you might have to go LC with her also. Finally, if all of that goes sideways then you need to take a good long look at your marriage and if you want to go into counseling. Your husband needs to understand that he's adding to the problem by not backing you up. I hope he does better in the future. Best of luck OP!
Get the key back and change the locks. I wouldn’t be surprised if mil has a spare copy.
Amazing husband will give his mom a spare copy. I agree with the Redditor from India. I would talk to him one more time and be as clear as possible: why didn't he jump to protect her feelings when his mother was insulting her in front of everyone, and what is he going to do to fix it. And if there are no changes - I would gather my ducks in a row, get a job somewhere away, separate finances (not a bad idea, Mil!) and bail out of the marriage. Also, OP, use BC religiously, if you get pregnant this woman will be in your life forever! It is possible to have a good marriage when being NC with ILs. Me and my husband were different ethnicities, and both of our families were very racist (more correclty nationalists, because we were the same race, but it was pretty much as racist in US). Both of us were NC with our ILs. It worked. My friend was in the same situation and tried to win her MIL with kindness. By the age of 44 she had several nervous breakdowns, and her Mil still behaved like 20 years ago (it went as far as going to a courthouse and officially renaming my friends child, because MIL didn't like the previous name). I don't wish this life to anyone.
How did your friend's Mil manage to change her grandchild's name? Where im from, for one parent to legally change a child's name, both parents have to be present and sign the documents. Either parent can register the child but both have to been present to change anything on that birth certificate. And as both parents are alive, any document she puts forward would be fraudulent and all your friend needed to do was report it. Once that's done, the Mil would be out of the picture because thats a jailable offense and getting a RO wouldn't be hard afterward either. Also, where was your friend's husband when his mother was tormenting his wife?
My friend's husband was almost as amazing as OP's husband. He was the only son, respectful and loving and kept telling his wife to be a bigger person and to be more patient with his mom. He went to the courthouse with his mom, because he didn't want to hurt mom's feelings. Idk what did the trick: MIL's unbeatable charisma, a power of attorney, or a bribe (3rd world country), but they succeeded.
That is why I didn't get our key back, I just lost my keys a week after the surprise visit, changed the locks, and told my husband that there was no need for anybody else to have our keys.
What have you done about emergencies if nobody else has a key to your home? /s I know it’s a common thing for people to give out at least one spare key for emergencies but I can’t think of a single time that has been necessary. My FIL was given a spare set to our house from the start along with two of my sisters. The locks have been changed at least 4x since then but we stopped giving out spare keys after the second time the locks were changed.
I think this may be India and sadly this is so common. A daughter-in- law does not have any actual right to be respected. Unless, of course the men in the house say so. Her husband and MIL could beat the hell out of her and nothing would come of it. OP should just get away from the crazies and move away from them. This will never end only escalate.
Yep can confirm, American woman once engaged to Indian man, the mother threatened to beat me, son took her side so I fuckin left. Fuck that noise, have fun dating mommy ya spineless little he-bitch.
Are you serious?? She threatened you?? The minute the words left her mouth, she'd be knowing up close and personal what the floor looked and tasted like. And if he had something to say in her defense, he can join her down there. What was the aftermath if you don't mind me asking?
As someone who works in child protection. Indian/ Muslim cultures are terrible. Yesterday we had a poor mum got her head cracked open by her under 10yo kids because that's what the dad used to do. It's disgusting, respect for being a woman is only given if a man deems you worthy of it.
As a black man who's dating a girl with an Indian background who was previously married to an Indian man, I can confirm it's that bad. In the initial stages I had to convince her that I wasn't going to beat her if she did something wrong like burn dinner. Then I had to convince her that yes, she can say no to sex if she isn't in the mood. The list goes on and on
Omfg!
Change the locks and don’t tell her. Let her stand outside like an idiot trying to get in the house with her key 😂
At this point I would change the locks and let mommy's precious little boy use her key as intended. It is obvious he does not have her back. If and when he can grow a spine and support his wife he (and not Mommy) can have a key to the new locks. Counseling is definitely needed here.
It really speaks volumes about OPs husband!
NTA. Let Momma and her boy torment that church lady.
Oh my god- best response EVER!
(he's not as much of an amazing husband as you may think) No kidding. OP should tell him and his cow of a mommy to go off hand in hand, snare little miss perfect and free OP of their noxious presence.
That OP has to teach husband how to treat her with protection and respect is pathetic!
This is how things aregoing to be for the rest of her life if she doesn’t get this under control right now. I give it 50-50 or less. Woman, secure your credit and finances, ID and valuables, and be on the lookout for a good divorce srrorney. and safe landing spot. Also, keep a detailed log of all this crap, and for God’s sake DON’T GET PREGNANT.
Sorry, but I’m way in on the “don’t get pregnant” advice. It’s unacceptable how he stood by while she so viciously attacked you, but to then get upset with you for hurting his mom’s feelings?!?! This is really, really bad. So I’ll repeat, DON’T GET PREGNANT.
Almost goes without saying. But, it has to be said over and over. There's only one certain way to avoid pregnancy, furthermore. She needs to have a sit down with him.
This!!! Don't get baby trapped. Use contraception he can't meddle with or practice abstinence until he puts mummy back in her box
I agree Juliaskig. My stepfather raised 3 of us like his own . Couldn't of asked for a better stepfather. However, his loyalty lies first and foremost with my Mum. Doesn't matter who it it is, anyone speaks derogatory to her or upsets her he fiercely defends her. It's admirable and exactly how it should be. If that were my stepfather he would of removed his mother himself at the first sign of disrespect shown.
No, just send him to Mommy's house and change the locks while he's gone.
YESS! OP got herself a mommas boy! Her behavior was straight up abusive.
I totally agree! OP is NTA here, your MIL's mouth and mind are dirty, you to tell her husband about what you're feeling. His priority must be you because you are now his family. If she sides with your MIL, go get a divorce and move on because if you don't, your married life would be miserable because of your MIL.
You both need to be on the same page and be a united front. MIL is deliberately trying to make your marriage fail and turn your husband against you. You need to both go LC, and get your key back. If he won’t grow a spine and push back against his mother then he is a mammas boy and doesn’t deserve to be married to anyone, especially you. The ball is in his court now.
MIL will eventually cause a divorce if her husband doesn't stand up to his mother.
So true. My daughter went through the same thing. Her parents-in-law berated her in front of her husband, he did not defend her and it eventually led to her leaving and divorcing him. She is now happier than she ever was before.
Every time I read one of these out of control MIL posts I'm extra grateful that I didn't marry the guy who refused to set boundaries with his mom. As bad as things were with her, it would have been even worse after marriage and especially if we'd had kids. Luckily the lady he's with now put her foot down as soon as they made it official, mommy must have boundaries or the relationship would not continue. He either learned from our arguments about the issue, or cared more when she made the same demand, either way it worked out and they've been very happy together for over a decade and minimal attempts at interference from his mom.
And change the locks immediately so her key no longer works. Tell hubs he better get on-board if he would like a key to the new locks. And MIL does NOT get one, ever. Your "wonderful hubs" is a "Momma's boy" who gives his Mommy the ammunition with which to ridicule and be hateful to you. It is time he stop. And he needs to straighten his Mommy out. Her behavior is atrocious and he is allowing it!! Hubs is no-so-wonderful. OP is NTA. This was long overdue.
He needs to grow a pair and support his wife
I would be mad if my husband did not shut this down this disrespect.
***RIGHT...*** Girl, you have a *MASSIVE* husband problem that's far outweighing your MIL problem. You should not have had to kick your MIL out bc your husband should have shut her shit down years ago from the sound of it. My husband (56) would **NEVER** have let his mom talk to me (47) like that, he'd have cut her off completely if she'd tried that shit. The one time she accused me of not caring for him well enough during an illness, he *immediately* threatened to cut contact if she ever pulled that shit again. And that was a mother concerned about her sick child who let her emotions get away from her. We had been married for over 15 years when she passed almost a decade ago. You really need to get your husband to grow a damn spine.
I was not aware you had guests? You said you were having a “quiet dinner” .. with guests?
It was just our friends who are a married couple. It was quiet, it wasn't some affair.
You have a husband problem. Someone spineless and who won't stand up for you. This will be the problem for the rest of your life.
This, 100%. When my dad overstepped a boundary with my wife, I pulled him aside and quietly ripped him a new orifice. Never had a problem since, and the level of respect my wife commands in his house is astounding. He doesn’t have to be mean, just firm, but it would make a huge difference for this woman to hear it from her son, instead of her DIL/perceived nemesis. Parents eventually die, leaving us alone with the decisions we’ve made, or failed to make. If you decide to back your mom instead of your SO, then when mom dies, alone is exactly what you’ll be. This brings to mind a conversation I recently had, in which I was asked if I’m a lover or a fighter. My argument is that you cannot be a lover without being a fighter, because when it comes down to the wire, you *will* have to fight for those you love. OP, I’m sure your husband is a great guy, and maybe he is just afraid of what his mom might do, but he needs to pick a side and stand behind it. Might be time to have a conversation about values and boundaries, and how to manage them as a team.
Has the new orifice healed for your father lol?
lol, he’s healed up rather well. And our relationship is better than ever, simply because I stood up for my wife. It earned me a lot more respect from him than I had before.
Wow that's awesome! I'm glad to see dudes like you exist, this world could definitely use more people like you! Mommy's boys are especially rampant in certain parts of the world, but it's hard telling them apart from the good ones. I wish people had better understanding of parent-child relationships and whereto draw the line, it's really needed.
Thank you, that means a lot to me!
This. I don’t know why men find it so hard to put another man in his place, whether it be a relative or a friend. You will earn greater respect for your wife and yourself from the person you’re trying to get through to, if you lay down the law. I mean, this is the way. But so many men care more about their image than to stand up for what’s right, even when you know the outcome will (even if it’s not right away) be positive. This is what being a real man is about. Countless men just don’t have the balls to do this. I applaud you, sir.
Great points! Very well said! He can either..... join her or he can say good riddance to his wife. Simple as that!
It really is that simple. There’s a reason we use the word “partner” to describe a spouse: it’s all about the teamwork.
Yeah, speaking from experience with an 8-year marriage failed partially due to stuff like this, it WILL NOT get better.
Your husband needs to use that set of keys to his mom’s place to break in and find his Big Boy Pants that mommy dearest has been hiding from him. Then put them on, apologize to his wife, grow a spine, and tell his mom to go pound sand.
Tell me why I read this and pictured OP’s husband going into his mother’s room, putting on *her* panties, and saying “I’m a big boy now!” with a self-satisfied grin
That’s sort of an important point. So she said all this with an audience and your husband said nothing to back you up? Your guests must have been mortified to have witnessed this. She sounds like the most rude person on the planet. Your husband needs to choose which horse he wants to back here but it sounds like he’s already chosen. NTA. Throw the whole boy and his mum out.
Was your husband busy enough distracting your guests that he didn't hear what your MIL was saying? If so, you need to spell it out, just like you did here. Even if he did hear, maybe it didn't register how bad it was, and you need to make that clear. Maybe show him this post. Otherwise, like others have said, you have a husband problem more than a MIL problem.
Ok You should have mentioned most of this in the post
I don't think this narrator is reliable.
Fake as fuck
So she comes into your home, uninvited and unannounced and criticized you over and over i front of your friends and your husband is upset because you hurt his mommy’s feelings?!? Seriously?!?
Get that key back or change the locks. You know she will come in to snoop when you’re not home. Also shut down all those phone calls. If it’s a land line, get the gadget that shows who’s calling and let it go to voicemail. By any chance are you guys from India? And the MIL is putting you down in front of guests? And she just lets herself in with no warning? 😑
She did and said all this in front of your friends!!! That’s really nasty. Change the locks, let her use the wrong key and have a wasted journey. She will continue her rants until your husband steps up and tells her that he loves you, he chose you and he’s very happy with you! She needs to see the writing on the wall and it has to come from your husband. OP you’ve held your patience long enough. No more!
If this story is real, changing the locks sounds like a very good idea lol (until she calls a locksmith …)
She did this in front of your friends?
NTA but you have a husband problem. He should’ve been the one to throw her out long before you snapped. You don’t have an amazing husband, even if you’re trying to tell yourself MIL is the only issue.
This can’t be real. Your MIL comes in unannounced while you have guests, and proceeds to lecture you for what must have been at least 15-30 minutes? And you sit idly by and do nothing that entire time, nor does your husband? Sorry but no, none of this ever happened.
I may be reading too much into it, but the food prepared was Indian. If MIL is Indian and from an upper caste and OP is non-Indian or from a lower caste that may explain the behavior of MIL. She sees OP as hurting their family status. Doesn't excuse MILs behavior but may explain it. OP NTA
Entirely plausible. I hear it a lot unfortunately. Overly attached parenting, coddling the son, and crying the moment someone talks back because it breaks the social rules which they use to bully their young - sounds very realistic
Any daughter-in-law in India is screwed. She must bow down to MIL and accept physical punishment if MIL deems or they just harass her parents for more money . It's not a good place for a lot of women. If never seen Indian soap operas. The MIL is usually the horrid antagonist
Some MIL can do all of this in just a few minutes. It’s like their evil superpower. Mine can ruin a whole meal while acting mostly pleasant. It’s goes about like this: Takes middle child’s drink away because he won’t eat if he drinks too much while making comments about what’s on his plate. Makes a comment that we were more strict with our oldest leaving the table during a meal while the youngest is allowed to leave whenever (she’s a nonverbal ASD toddler that gets overwhelmed with 6 adults and two children at the table talking). Now four of the adults are irritated with the obvious favoritism she shows towards the oldest Next she makes a backhanded compliment about something on the table. Then she’s pontificating about a non table topic annoying all the adults (politics, her business deals and how many influential people she knows are favorites. She gets up to go get the toddler causing a meltdown. Her own husband tells her to sit down and stop. Brings up how strict we were on the oldest again and decides to go smoke a cigarette. This is why she get banned from the house for a while. It took her three months to apologize the last time and she’s mostly behaved since then. My husband has thrown her out and I have too. It just depends on who gets fed up first. Thankfully he knows all about her nonsense.
see right there at the beginning, she doesn't need to take anything from your kids.
Not only that but OP tells MIL to stop meddling in their marriage bcuz she’s causing problems between them and MIL………….cries?! Why would she cry? Wasn’t that the whole point? Isn’t she trying to replace OP w/church lady?
Church lady…lol…Saturday Night Live….
A whole lot of tropes in this one, and all happening at once. ETA: if this *is* real, then OP needs to get that key back. I expect spare keys to be very infrequent or for emergency use. This is neither. MIL is way too comfortable.
It was more like 2-5 minutes of her yelling before I looked at my friend, she looked mortified and her husband looked uncomfortable. I then kicked her out. The entire interaction lasted less than 10 minutes.
And your husband said/did nothing?? That's wild as hell, girl.
But, but, he’s amazing! /s
Lordt, I swear. They gotta go through all 5 stages of grief a half dozen times before finally understanding the mans actively choosing to disregard his marital vows. and is 👏🏻choosing 👏🏻his 👏🏻mother.
And so kind and sweet! He just doesn’t like confrontation🥹
I always know when the spouse is NOT amazing when OP introduces them as such.
So, your "amazing husband" let her yell at you for several minutes? If you were in the same (since you we're able to make eye contact with your guests) as your guests, why the hell didn't he intervene?
Yeah same amazing husband listened to her being abused and humiliated for her cooking, etc, everything and THEN heard his MOM say there was another woman for him at church... and said nothing. I don't care HOW anti-confrontational hubs is... THIS WAS THE TIME TO BE LIVID AND BE A MAN about it! I can be non-confrontational too but when it comes to myself. Hurt someone I love and you will see the beast come out.
Exactly. He is a coward and enabler and has the audacity to be upset OP made mommy dearest cry.
That's 10 minutes too long. Her ass should have been escorted out the second she walked in unannounced. Oh and get the key back or change the locks!!! 🤦
Change the locks, she could’ve made a copy. Problem is her husband might give her a new key either way.
You can get locks that have only the set keys it came with and they can't be duplicated, but they're expensive. Or, you can get a number lock with a combination that you change every time the stupid husband give the MIL the code.
You're burying the lead. WHAT happened once you kicked her out? What did your husband finally have to say to you or about it all? You have left him out of this. Plus I thought ur husband was busy distracting ur friends.
If your husband feels that YOU are in the wrong after this interaction, I suggest you have a little chat with him. Try to go through Mommy’s points one by one and find out which ones you should not have opposed. The part about you being a gold digger? The part about having Mommy pick out a different girl for him to marry? Or just the part about you not cleaning enough - because that one can easily be solved by HIM starting to clean instead! Have him tell you EXACTLY what parts of Mommy’s speech that you were supposed to agree to? And if he can’t find any good bits in there, why is he angry about it at all?
The fact that your husband said and did nothing and then blamed you for making his mom feel bad?? Time for a serious sit down and time for him to set boundaries with his mom.
Your husband let his mother yell all these awful things at you and forced you to take action to remove her from your house? He’s fine with this vitriol from his family and wants you to be silent and accepting of verbal abuse from his parents? NTA but you are the AH to yourself if you stay with him. Your husband isn’t “amazing”, he thinks very little of you. I guarantee he will start shopping for a different wife (if he hasn’t already). Leave ASAP. ….or this post is fake. It’s too insane.
OP's husband did an even worse job of distracting the friends than talking to him mom then.
And you had to do this. Not your "amazing husband" who's mother this is. Girl lol.
You need to explain what is happening with the burning house analogy - while his mom tries to burn down your marriage you are the only one trying to pit out the fires while he stands in the street watching. This will continue until HE outs a stop to it.
Why hasn't he stepped in before and handled his mother? She can ask for all the personal information in the world but you're not obligated to answer her questions. She openly said that your husband should leave you and marry the woman of her choice. And your husband...did nothing ...said nothing? You don't have an MIL problem, you have a husband problem. I would suggest marriage counselling to try and make him understand that he's married to you, he chose you and he made vows to you and it's well past the time he cut the umbilical cord. Block his mother from contacting you, make sure the locks are changed and stop the info train. Double up on contraception. Don't bring a baby into this mess. He needs to realise he's a husband before he's a son.
NTA. Your husband is not amazing if he's spineless and doesn't stand up for you. You should be his priority, not mommy and her feelings. MIL did this to herself. How much of her crap are you supposed to take. Get your key back, and don't contact her for a while.
Wait wait wait. She did this IN FRONT of guests!? And not only did your husband didn’t shut it down immediately, he’s upset with YOU for hurting her? Girl you have a husband problem not an MIL problem.
You teach people how to treat you! You are allowing this behavior and it’s time to stop putting up with her bs. You also have a SO problem that’s going to require therapy or at least marriage counseling. The sooner the better! Take yours keys back from her or change the locks. It’s rude to go to someone else’s house and let yourself in unannounced! This is your husband’s responsibility to reel in his mother! I would give him the 2 card choice. Either therapy or divorce attorney his choice. Then follow through with it!
Your husband is not as amazing as you think he is. This is HIS mother and HE needs to be the one putting her in her place. If he had handled her like he was supposed to, her wittle feelings wouldn't be hurt. Sounds like there are three people in your marriage. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband about boundaries and what is and is not appropriate for MIL.
She did this in front of your guests? And he's mad at YOU? Girl, get some marriage counseling or dump him.
Look. I'm sure your husband is amazing in many, many ways. But he's FAILING you here. It is his job to wrangle his mother, not yours. You should have been the one keeping the guests occupied while HE explained to his mother how inappropriate she was being by turning up unannounced and ushering her out of the door in short order. Have you told him everything she said to you? Ask him this: why is it okay for his mother to upset you, but not okay for you to upset her? Why are his mother's feelings more important than yours? Why isn't he pulling her up on it? And finally: Why has she still got that key??? (For the love of your sanity, get it back and give her a timeout from your home until she can learn some respect. YOU are NTA. But your amazing husband is, just a little.
She did this in front of guests?!? Oh fuck no... If your husband doesn't put on his big boy pants and shut this down you should really consider if you want this to be the rest of your life.
A better use of his time would be him taking his mother by the hand and walking her to the porch, quietly asking why she was insulting his wife with things that aren’t even true.
Sounds fake. She cones over and mentions all this in one visit? If it's real, YTA for not putting her in her place way before marriage
Oh girl, you have a husband problem. In one single visit, she comes in unannounced, trashing your cooking, your housekeeping skills, your financial situation, and urges him to go be with someone else, meanwhile, your husband does what? Sits there like the spineless jellyfish he seems to be and does nothing? How do you think she gets all the details of your life? He's telling her. You're delusional if you think your husband is amazing. He's a passive AH who sits by while his wife gets verbally pummeled by his precious Mommy. I'd tell her she can have him and kick him the fuck out. A man like that, who can't defend his wife, is not worth fighting over. NTA, but you need a reality check and to have a big long discussion with your husband.
and in front of guests...
I bet that wasn't horrible or awkward at all to be trapped watching unfold
The good thing for op is that their friends witnessed in real life how spineless that jellyfish of a man is, his reputation will definitely take a nose dive.
OP has to say that he’s an amazing husband because if she has Reddit then he definitely does too.
Honestly even as a guest I probably would have gone off on her a bit. (Probably why my best friends mom doesn't like me 😊) If people want to play the nit pick game let's play because I don't put up with that.... I look sweet till I'm angry then I have been told I look like a mini demon
A real man would keep the MIL's mouth shut. But...this will go on if he does not get in action.
Yes. Overbearing MILs are not a problem when you have a husband who draws clear boundaries and stands up to them. The husband is the issue here.
Frankly that's insulting to jellyfish.
This^^^^
Why is every "amazing husband" accompanied by a Karen mom? I'm glad my husband doesn't consider himself amazing in exchange that his mom barely talk to us Nta btw
I mentioned that on yt on a reddit video, every time they start praising someone, the next paragraphs is proving how that first statement is very inaccurate...
Like if they were that amazing we wouldn’t be here now would we?
Like the say DeNial isn't just a river in egypt
I'm kind of mid as a husband, but at least my mom's dead.
I know many women who would see that as a plus. If I could go back in time I would have as well!
I read that part and mentally went "well, here we go". I wasn't disappointed.
NTA You don't have an amazing husband. You have a mama's boy. Good luck to you, because for as long as you're with him, she's going to verbally abuse you and he'll be mad that you won't just take it. I wonder if he would be so quiet if your father marched into your house and insulted every single thing about him, then you told him off for being upset? Somehow, I doubt it. Edit - apparently, you had visitors at this time. And wow. There is no apology or explanation that can ever excuse this behaviour or your husband's pathetic response.
I can’t believe that the husband does not shut down his mother. OP you don’t have just a MIL problem, you have a husband problem.
I can..OP is praising him for what? He feels invincible atp.. mommy's got his back and his wife doesn't hold him responsible but praising him for his nonsense. Why would the husband feel the need to change?
Because he agrees with his mum. Bin him OP.
In front of guests. Let’s not forget the audience that MIL had for her tirade. She was insanely disrespectful in front of guests. Then MIL is boo-hooing when she’s told to stop. Husband needs to get his head out of wherever he’s stuck it and stop his mother from humiliating herself like this again.
My MIL used to walk into my house and start pointing out everything she didn’t like, then say she could fix it for us since we clearly couldn’t (while I was actively working on bigger projects in the house) . My wife insisted she was “just being helpful” until I asked her “how? How is she helping at all by pointing out every issue she can find? And in what world is it okay to walk into someone else’s house and just insult everything?” I still don’t think she actually got it. But she didn’t have an argument for what I said, so she did ask her mother to stop talking shit every time she came over (uninvited)
I had a mama’s boy (still married to him). We had a bit of interference when we were moving away. Nothing this severe, but pretty awful (she was going behind my back to deliberately try to make my husband anxious and afraid to move). What stopped the interference was saying something to effect “Don’t you dare interfere with our marriage. You are extended family and have zero control of or vote in how we run our family.” She tried to give me the silent treatment for three months. Once she realized I seriously don’t give a care if we see her or not, she apologized. Mama’s boys are used to having a strong woman take the lead , if you have to stand up for yourself and your marriage , do it. He has been conditioned and abused for years to be quiet to keep his mother happy. You can stand up and put the “not on my watch “ foot down. Also, Moving 10 hours away was the best thing ever.
So, just to clarify, you husband allowed his mommy to barrage you with insults and suggested he divorce you and marry the woman she picked out and he allowed her to do that? NO real man would allow his mommy to do that. Your husband is a typical "momma's boy" and that's not going to change. He's concerned about his mommy's feelings but was fine with her hurling toxic insults at his wife. Again a REAL man would never allow that. You need to give your husband 2 cards. One for a marriage counsellor (preferably one who deals with mamma's boys) and one for a divorce lawyer. Tell him he's got 24 hours to pick one. NTA but without some heavy duty therapy you can't fix a mamma's boy.
Love the 2 cards n he got to pick one!
You're husband isn't 'amazing' if he lets his Mother verbally abuse you and then blame you for upsetting her, he's actually a jellyfish.
In front of guests, no less. What the actual f@ck! Absolutely unacceptable on her part, and he needs to step up and make sure that she knows that he won't tolerate her being so wildly disrespectful and intrusive.
NTA I have two questions: 1) are you both the same race/religion? 2) why do you think your husband is amazing when he allows his mother to verbally abuse you?
I don't care how much hubs hates confrontation. He HAS to stick up for his wife (and family coming) bc this is just gonna get worse.
I’m sorry you gave your heart and trust to a SEVERELY ENMESHED MAMA’S BOY. **She raised him to be a perpetual bachelor who’s not allowed to love any woman but her.** That awful woman only wanted to set him up with that ‘more suitable’ woman because in her twisted mind, the ‘suitable’ woman would have ZERO backbone to demand that the MIL go pound sand. The ‘suitable’ woman would lie down and allow his mommy to maintain her enmeshed lifestyle with her spineless son, your husband. ICK!
Get the key back from her.
Better; Change locks. And if mamas boy keep on defending her, he doesn’t get one either. You are not lucky to have him, cause he has a problem with defending you and comes with a horrible mother. You are not a gold digger, because you got gold that turned out to be sh.t, covered with a thin gold layer. One that disappears as soon as mammy comes over. NTA. But you have a serious husband problem.
Your husband should have shut her down. Let him know that he has no right to be upset with you and the YOU are upset with him for not standing up for you. He didn’t marry his mother!
Your husband isn't wonderful at all. Where was he during these disrespectful exchanges? If he stays quiet, it means he agrees with her and wants you to treat him with the "standards" mommy has him used to. I'm willing to bet he's fed her some lines of "OP doesn't cook like you, clean like you." You were only TA to yourself for putting up with this for so long. Get a new man if this one isn't going to put in the work.
My husbands mom called me a whore when she met me, after getting super drunk, and when I tried to leave the house with my small Pomeranian at the time, she tried to rip him out of my arms. Husband got between us and protected me and hasn’t spoken to her since. You don’t have an amazing husband, you have a little boy who’s still under his mommy’s thumb.
She tried to take YOUR dog from you?? Uh uh she's asking to get bit or hit lol your husband is a keeper❤️
Oh yeah it was scary af, but my husband is strong guy so he was able to stop her. She was drunk-strong and way bigger than me, and my pom was about 9lbs. Total asshole tbh, some sort of cluster b psychological issue going on there fr.
Facts
NTA, but you might have married a mamma's boy that will always side with his intrusive mother. You've been with him for three years, but she's been micromanaging him his whole life, so he might always side with her.
There's no might have about it. I feel bad for her.
She chose this life. The MIL didn't become this way all of a sudden. OP saw how she was and how her man just put up with it. She then thought that getting married to this situation would be great. 🙄
She even still thinks he's an "amazing husband".
Some people are raised in or subjected to an abusive environment that erodes their self respect and confidence and makes it easier for unsavory people to take advantage of them. Saying things like she knew what she was choosing is just ignorant and completely ignores the fact that there could be any number of reasons a person ends up in a situation like this. A shitty dude and his overbearing mother took advantage of a person who probably doesn't realize she deserves better. Victim blaming isn't helping anyone here.
NTA. He should have stood up for you and not allow his mom to say and do such hurtful things to the person he loves. Now this is a very traditional take on marriage, so please feel free to disregard. When it comes to our families, I speak to mine and he speaks to his. BUT if they were extremely disrespectful like she was and my husband isn’t saying it, I will. And I’d expect him to the same. I can’t get mad at him for standing up to them if I weren’t doing it. In laws can make or break your relationship, especially meddling ones. They will always be there, waiting for you to do something “wrong” and criticize it. Your husband should be your biggest advocate, and I’m sorry that’s not the case in this situation. I’d take the key back from her immediately. She has no business to step into YOUR home and criticize anything YOU do. It’s disrespectful. You don’t do that to her and it doesn’t feel good - that’s your safe place. If she goes to church, there’s a scripture that references leaving and cleaving when one gets married. He’s married to you, you’re now his immediate family. She doesn’t get to have any say unless he lets her (which it sounds like he didn’t stop). I’d talk to him about how that makes you feel and how hurtful it is. Like someone mentioned above, pretty sure he wouldn’t like it if your dad came in and nit picked him in his own home. So why’s it any different? If he can’t stand up for you or see where you’re coming from, consider other options. My dad was a mommas boy and it ruined my parents marriage (among other things, but he could do no wrong and my mom was criticized a lot of nonsensical things). Hope things truly get better 🤍
NTA. Time for a long talk with your husband about how his mother is acting. It is not a good situation, but you need to set some boundaries and your husband needs to get onboard.
I'm sorry to say, but your husband is *not* amazing. You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. He enables her. She let herself in and started belittling you, going off on you and he... was just standing there? Eating dinner as if nothing was happening? And when you push back and demand a modicum of respect, YOU are the bad guy? Fuck no. Go make a tour of r/JUSTNOMIL, see if you recognize yourself in any of these stories. NTA.
Divorce these people.
You should have told her to take her spineless son with her, because you don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. It's his job to set boundaries and to stand up for you to his mother. If he's unwilling or unable to do that, your marriage is NEVER going to work.
Hubby needs to read up on emotional incest and drop the rope with mommy.
You've married your husband and his first wife....his mom. It's never going to get better since he's not on your side. Get joint marriage counseling ASAP, and if he refuses, get out now before ya'll have kids..it'll be easier that way. NTA. Edit. Change the locks
So your husband just sat there doing absolutely nothing while his mother berated you for being a bad wife? Just throw the whole man away. He didn’t even have your back, he should’ve been the one to put MIL in her place bc that’s his damn mother. Wild. NTA, OP. Nothing will change with MIL bc your husband condones this behavior. As long as he stays subservient to her, she’ll feel like she can walk all over you.
NTA but your husband is. If he puts up with his mom treating you like this, he is not amazing, sis. He's choosing his mother over you, and it sounds like he has been. Why doesn't he care that she hurt your feelings? You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem and the sooner you recognize that, the sooner it can get resolved in one way or another. Listen, you deserve a husband who does not let ANYONE trash talk you and degrade or demean you. Him allowing his mom to treat you like this is him telling her she's right about everything she's saying. You. Deserve. Better!!!
NTA but you also have a husband problem. Tell your husband if he would rather be married to his mommy you will happily step aside. If his answer is no then tell him to grow up and stop giving mommy all this information.
If your husband listened to all that and thinks you're in the wrong, get a divorce, asap. They are doing this together, with a plan to get you to submit to be the woman she's bringing up, get you to quit your job, stay at home, cook all day and be the woman she wants him to have. If he isn't kicking her out, he wants this and is in on it, with the MIL being the 'hit man' and taking the fall for forcing you towards this. If you were my partner and my mother acted like, firstly she would never have gotten beyond the front door after using the key for such a shitty reason and if she'd said the rest I would take the key off her, throw her out and tell her you'll expect a full apology for you or she can look forward to a future without me in it. He chose her side after she attacked you, again. He wants this shit too, he just wants you to become this church going perfect stay at home wife. Run.
Based on this you most definitely do not have an amazing husband. You seem to have a momma's boy who places him mom over you in his life. Get her key back and let him use the one his mommy gave him. NTA
All these stories are such unbearably fake rage bait it’s unreal. And everyone in this sub laps it up
NTA Your husband is a wuss and HE should be the one to tell his mother to stfu. Change all the locks on the door to your home, do NOT give her a key, and tell her she is not welcome until she can stop acting like a creepy, mannerless hobo. And tell your husband to stop swinging from his mommy’s teats and grow a pair. Tell him to set up boundaries with his mannerless mother and then stick to them.
Really bad bit of fiction..2/10. Trying to get every nasty mil insult into one short post was lazy, then asking if you were an AH for asking this fictional mil to leave was really pushing it. Do better
This is the comment I was looking for. Who’s believing this chat gpt writing?
Your husband is a literal piece of garbage, but ok.
Ur husband should have stopped her not u. U are picking at the wrg problem. Ur problem is ur husband who has not set clear boundaries with his mother. Now they see u as the trouble maker. Ur husband is the AH for letting his mother be a problem n ur MIL has all details of ur life because he willingly tells his mom about it. U did not marry an amazing husband u married a mommy boy who stands by as his mother insults u infront of him and gets upset at u for having a reaction. Yea ur problem is right infront of u - ur husband.
NTA. Tell your husband he doesn't care about his mother hurting YOUR feelings, so since he won't set boundaries, you were forced to.
NTA but you don’t have a MIL problem you have a husband problem.
INFO - Where was your amazing husband and why wasn't he home to stick up for you? Or do you mean amazing son that cares more about his mother than his wife?
You not only have a MIL problem. But a "mommy's little soldier problem". He's not that great if he doesn't have your back.
FYI an amazing husband doesn't tolerate anyone treating his wife like that. 🙄 NTA but you are if you don't make your husband deal with his mom.
NTA. Your husband didn’t kick her out immediately nor reprimanded her for her rudeness. You have a husband problem. Since you have a job you should file for divorce. Get rid of him and you get rid of her. Don’t put up with this bull crap. Life is meant to be beautiful and enjoyed. Staying in this marriage is ugly and terrible.
I haven't heard (read) one word that indicates your husband is amazing. You did list a ton of reasons why your husband is in fact the root of your problems. He can shut down MIL, if he wanted. He doesn't want to. His escape clause is mommy dearest. Unless he takes radical action immediately, things will get worse and you'll waste years being married to MIL.
Oh, you got a mommas boy. The second worst type. 😬 I couldn't do it. I'd leave him. 🤷♀️
NTA but you have a husband problem he should never ever have allowed her to talk to you like that. He is not “amazing” if he’s standing by while she butts in, meddles and criticizes you. Change the locks and tell him to tell her to butt out or you’re done.
You did not overreact and NTA. Why isn't your husband defending you? Your MIL had stepped way over the line and needs to stay out of your marriage. Full stop.
>married to my amazing husband Hate to break it to you, but you don't have an amazing husband. An amazing husband would have put a stop to his mom's nonsense immediately and kicked her out himself. The fact that he is upset with you and how you dealt with the situation and not with how his mom spoke to and about you is another indication of just how un-amazing he is. Your problem is your husband, not your MIL. You meed to have a serious discussion with your husband about appropriate boundaries and your expectations. NTA for telling her not to meddle.
You have less of a MIL problem and a bigger husband problem. That he didn't step in the shut her down speaks volumes and then for him to worry about her "feelings", what about your feelings, you're NTA, you're husband and mil are big time AH's...
"Amazing husband" let her mom thread on me on the regular, I love him so much. Fuck off.
Your husband is not amazing if he let his rude mom come into your home that you also pay for, critique your cooking and cleaning and then tell you how much better a different woman would be for him. That’s not an amazing man at all. It’s a piece of shit man. You then push back because no one should have to hear this crap and he gets mad at you!? Yeah no. NTA
Sorry but your husband doesn’t sound that amazing. Why has he let his mother speak to you this way for three years? Put a stop to it now! Otherwise, your marriage isn’t going to make it.
NTA. Where was your husband during all this? Was he hiding under her skirts while she attacked you? You married a mama’s boy. He needs to grow up and understand that he is a husband now because I don’t see how this continues with your MIL poisoning him against you and pushing this random lady. He needs to handle his mother. And you both need to change the locks and not give her the key. I’m sorry you had to find out now that you married a spineless child. Good luck
Your husband needs to stand up to his mother. I am a mother-in-law to three, I have either a key or a code to get into their houses in an emergency. Emergency being the emphasis here. I would never ever ever let myself in otherwise! Unless she is paying your bills, she has no say in what your house looks like. She has no say in what you cook for dinner. She has no say in anything if she is not paying for it.
Wow you've married someone without a spine or respect for his wife
Nope. You most certainly did not over react and your husband needs to be 100% with you OR your life is going to be unbearable. Your husband is the major problem here. The way he lets his mother treat you is disgraceful! Get her key back and DO NOT allow her in your house unless she has called and you have agreed to have her come over. But after what she did and said? I wouldn't let the cow in my house. Go over to the inlaws sub. They will have good suggestions for you. But your husband needs to make a firm choice now. His mummy or his wife...if he doesn't choose wife? Tell him his marriage could end. And yes. You SHOULD end your marriage if your husband can't pull his mother into line and tell he treats you with respect or she won't see him or you. And for heaven's sake? STOP telling her any details of your life. Zero. Not her business...at all. Just stop!
Your husband is not amazing. At all. You don’t have a husband, you have a little mommy’s boy. Good luck, you’re gonna need it. Ask him what he would have done if some other old gal bursts into his home and starts talking to him that way?
For context, I think the op is Indian, and so culturally they differ in terms of how meddling the husband's mother is. Desi MIL are on another level of intrusive and it's not going to change. For instance, the MIL was probably treated the same way or even worse from her MIL. So this is her way to extract revenge on what was done to her. It's a never-ending cycle of internalized misogyny.
NTA. But you have a husband problem. Yhe mjnute she was rude to you, he should have made her leave. My late husband was wonderful at this. His mom was overbearing and seriously up in anyone's business who didn't shut her down. You know what never happened while he was alive? I never heard single complaint she had against me because he would shut her down. He would hang up on her, he would make her leave anytime she even started critiquing our life. Because YOUR marriage is YOUR life. Not HERS.
Nice creative writing…you hit every benchmark of a AITAh except believabilty.
OP in comments says they had guests over. NTA. This wasn’t a quiet dinner this was a dinner party and MIL dropped in and decided to shit all over OP. But I think you have a mommas boy husband problem as well as nightmare- in law.
Nta. But you don't have an amazing husband. He willfully allowed you to be abused in your own home (verbal abuse is still abuse) and then is upset when you stood up for yourself? You have a mama's boy. A coward. And someone who has shown you time and again that your comfort and needs are secondary to his mothers. What if you have kids and she disagrees with your parenting? I doubt he will support you against mommy dearest. I will reiterate that NTA for finally standing up for yourself, but YWBTAH to yourself if you stay in this marriage the way it is now. If it helps, view it as happening to someone else. If a friend or family member told you their spouse stands there and does nothing or actively defends their parent who constantly belittles and demeans your friend/family member, would you not be angry?
Honestly, I’d consider granting your MIL’s wishes and leave your wet noodle of a husband. How dare he let his mother insult you…his wife like that. That’s disgusting behavior from the both of them. You don’t owe his mother an apology. Both your doormat and your MIL owe you a big one, though. NTA