NTA.
I'm all for my husband watching porn or jerking off when he wants to, but he's never chosen to jerk off over having sex with, and this:
>he brought up my body, saying he wasn't feeling it right now and was in the mood for something else.
would not work for me. I'm not naive enough to think my husband isn't turned on by naked women with body types different from mine - I've had 2 kids, this shit ain't cute anymore - but Jesus, don't fucking say it and for damn sure don't say it like *that*.
You sound like my wife, and if your husband is anything like me, he loves your body especially since you gave him two kids.
We appreciate you more than you know(and sometimes more than we show)
Shiii I don’t have a wife or kids but my girlfriend (and soon to be fiancé hopefully) is everything to me. And she’s also not naive enough to think other women/body types wouldn’t be attractive to me (like OP’s comment said) but I make damn sure she knows how much I want her and only her. I can’t imagine stopping sex to tell your significant other than you “aren’t feeling her body rn”. That is fuckin nuts, if she was out the door right after that, I wouldn’t blame her a bit. Wtf
Exactly! His need to jerk of when there is a willing participatant in the room, tell me he might have a addiction to porn, which in itself is damaging to a relationship. NTA. OP this is a red flag 🚩.
THIS!! It's nice to see another true man out there unafraid to shout that love for what these women went through to bring our most precious gifts into this world. They don't get enough credit for how amazing and powerful their bodies are. Let alone all of the shit from us they gotta put up with along the way. 😂
For a lot of women, their significant other doing *anything* other than having sex with them (I.e. masturbation with or even without porn) — that is a betrayal. Sometimes porn is seen as cheating by people. The spectrum of what is considered betrayal is all over the place.
You either get on board your partner’s betrayal train, or move on.
Also true. This woman (op) sounds like one of the most forgiving women on the planet to put up with an iota of this dude's shit. Honestly I hate coming across judging someone I don't know, but if taking her at her word, this guy is gonna be in for a rough road finding someone else REMOTELY as willing to put up with ANY of this nonsense.
But it's high time this poor woman finds someone who treats her at least with respect like everyone deserves. I'm sorry, but I can't even fathom being in a mindset where I'm thinking 'yeah, tell the woman I love and share my bed with that her body is turning me off and I would rather go watch a stranger have sex on my phone and jerk myself off to it'. Then you, what ... Just come back to bed, annnnddd use the gentle rocking of your gf's quiet sobbing to lull you to sleep?? Foh with this 8yo BOY. This woman deserves so much better than this. I don't care what kind of person she is, taking the post at face value leads me to believe she deserves NONE of this boy's shit.
Sorry for the rant, but as a single guy who's had my share of toxic relationships (yes of course I was the idiot causing some of it in them too, relax 😁, I'm just trying to learn and be better, I'm not perfect), it incenses me hearing about blatant juvenile fuckboy behavior like this being pulled on someone who seems way too forgiving to be dragged down by this child. So I apologize for the long windedness, if anyone actually reads this whole thing (I'm sorry I'm still going), thanks for helping me exorcise some frustrations before I head into work! 😂
😂😂 There are at least a few people who may disagree with that. Lol. But I definitely try to grow as I get older and learn as much as I can from every misstep and mistake along the way. And the more I learn, the more I realize what is actually important in life.
We only get one shot at this, and it's not a long ride. So why waste time on silly young nonsense like anything but complete open honesty in a relationship where communication is a top priority for both and respect is both given and earned. But it also gets harder to find someone who wants the same things, so 🤷🏻♂️. Trust the process, and don't sell yourself short. Or something like that. 🤷🏻♂️
Personally, I don't understand that.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of self love! But, in the context OP is describing, it seems to be all kinds of wrong.
Why anyone would turn down a willing participant is beyond me. Something is going wrong here!
This honestly.
My ex was like this. Would just outright tell me what he didn't like about me and my body and what he did find attractive.
My dumb ass was naive and thought that shit was normal in relationships.
Agghhh that’s SO fkd up! I really thought I’d experienced every messed up thing a guy could say in a relationship- but this is a new thing for me to hear. This would absolutely mess me up at a younger age, the constant feeling of inadequacy and feeling like he had all the power
Oh it did.
I was 17 when we met, 19 when we started dating and 29 when the relationship ended.
I'm 39 now and still struggle with self esteem issues and I know a part of them was because my first real relationship was with a man that had zero respect for me and my naive ass thinking that was normal. 😒
Sadly I can't even blame an age difference because he was only 2 years older.
I'm also in my thirties, and found myself in a similarly terrible dynamic when I was young. I had a high school boyfriend who quite literally convinced me to develop an eating disorder - when I had never before had serious issues with my self image. He loved to describe how much better I would look if I just had a *little* less fat around my belly button (ummm it's just how I'm built, and at the time I was a serious dancer...belly fat??)
By the time I got home from my freshman year of college, I was 94 lb and so depressed. As silly as it sounds, it has taken literally decades to quiet his voice in my head, and absolutely affected my other relationships. Therapy helped, but being young and vulnerable in a relationship like that can really mess you up.
Yes, I had a boyfriend who was very secretive about his own sexuality and his relationship with other women. He learned a lot of this abusive behavior from his father and mother. I still married him and he only became more secretive to the point of him suggesting that I should get a breast enlargement. I was already very endowed. I was so naive and ignorant of what he was doing and how he was destroying not only my self esteem but our relationship together.
You met him and started dating him when your brain literally hadn’t finished forming!!you had nothing to compare the relationship to- don’t you dare beat yourself up for what you went through!
At 16 I also met a really manipulative, verrrrry controlling guy who was volatile and could be cruel; but he told me he loved me so desperately, and of course I believed him and assumed I’d be w him forever, he was all I knew! I was w him for way too long too. And it absolutely messed me up too for years and years. I have a great therapist though who has helped me enormously!
I'm glad that you got a therapist and got out of that. You deserve so much more and I wish more people told young girls and young boys that they were worth something.
I just wrote an almost identical comment. It breaks my heart that so many of us live through this stuff. When you're that age, you are still so impressionable and terribly vulnerable to toxic and manipulative people. I'm glad you were able to find a good therapist, that made a WORLD of difference to me as well. ❤️❤️
5 days after my 2nd C-section, my ex, who’s 5’9”-300 pounds with tits twice as big as mine were, (even full of milk,) asked me if my stomach would always have that “weird flap,” and that he hopes my body snaps back like it did when I had my first daughter. I was 18 when I “snapped back,” and 28 when we had our baby. Oof he never lived that down.
Yeah, he literally told OP that he'd rather get off on stroking it to pictures of other women's bodies. That is *extremely* distasteful and inconsiderate. More inconsiderate than leaving OP hanging for a climax, which is still selfish in its own right.
Right? Lmfao. PSites are sooooo boring now it’s literally just for scrolling to see different women at this point. Same up and down stroking and fake annoying moaning… over it! Next!
My wife had two kids and I’m head over heels for her. Would eat it for a week..
If your husband is saying some crazy shit about how he’s not into your body and WENT TO WATCH PORN INSTEAD??? My guy is a douchebag.
1000%. I’m not naive enough to think my boyfriend doesn’t appreciate other women’s bodies. I mean I appreciate other men (and realistically women) too. But if he were to make negative comments or comparisons about my body, then that’s a line drawn and I’m out.
OP - just this alone you deserve to be respected more. But id also be very hurt if my partner left the bed to go jerk off in the bathroom, even more so when im trying to have sex with him.
Exactly! I was just thinking that. I would be like, hold up. We need to have a conversation about this. You can communicate your issues without being straight up rude. That was just rude and uncalled for.
"he brought up my body, saying he wasn't feeling it right now and was in the mood for something else."
What???? Why are you still with him? What an asshole. You deserve better than that.
>"he brought up my body, saying he wasn't feeling it right now and was in the mood for something else."
Bro, the absolute instantaneousness with which I would be done with this clown…
Exactly. Like, someone actually said this, in real life, to someone they are sharing a bed and a life with??! Everyone deserves AT LEAST better than this. Fuck. That. And fuck him. He can go jerk off all he wants, by himself where he deserves to be.
Yes to this! Dude needs to grow up and prioritize OP over his hand. Have a real talk with him about it, but dont settle if he cant shape up. You deserve way better than that.
Yeah, exactly! It's so disrespectful to bring up someone's body like that and prioritize something else over your partner. She deserves way better treatment than that.
NTA. My ex would actively watch porn on his phone while being intimate with me and because he was my first I didn’t know any better. One of the many things he did in regard to porn that I won’t discuss here. I don’t know your relationship but I can tell you mine didn’t get better. He made me feel bad about my body, my size, sex was always for him (like you’ve described in your post) and never for me and while I enjoyed sex and it was 4-5 times a week (the first year) I thought it was normal to never get off. Moving forward, you should take in consideration if things get better or worse and what you plan to do when that time comes. Don’t spend an extra year around thinking things will change because they won’t lol. Respectfully of course!
your post caught me off-guard because I went through the same thing. exactly. we were actually kept apart from something beyond our control (physical distance) for long enough that I finally realized I needed to never have anything to do with him again. I'm glad you're out of that, and me, too!
I went through something similar but with every man i’d ever been with before my current boyfriend. they weren’t watching porn but they were basically using me as a hole and that’s it. I thought I was weird and something was wrong with me that I really wasn’t enjoying it but none of them cared. they got off and now they’re done. in fear of being crude, my boyfriend is the first man to ever make me fucking cum and *make sure* that I do. i’m saying this because i’m so tired of women feeling this way and being treated as a second thought. fuck your ex. fuck my exes. fuck all of them
I think this is an experience many many of us have had, unfortunately.
And if they do want to make sure you orgasm, be sure that they’re doing it for you and not for themselves. The one person that gave a shit that i did come was only doing it to feed his ego. So he go to the point where he did things he saw in the porn he was watching every day - and lying about - even when i told him i didn’t like it and to stop. It’s one of many reasons I’m currently divorcing him after a couple of decades.
Ladies, don’t ever let any man make you feel like you’re just a series of holes. It is not “normal” and it’s not ok. And it WILL fuck with your head over time. I thought I was broken sexually and worked for years to make myself less broken. Turns out it wasn’t me who had the problem. I knew that deep down he had a porn problem and a problem with sex in general. He was only ever with his ex wife and me. So his real life experience to porn ratio was way off. That made most of his sexual experience based on porn. And we aren’t in a porno. We’re actual human beings with our own likes and dislikes, our own reactions to feeling good, our own way of having an orgasm. And none of it is wrong because it is true to the individual.
NTA. The comment about being tired of your body and wanting something else is really fucked up. Also like, to me, porn and jacking off are private. Like yes I know I do it and my bf does it but we don’t really talk about it and I think that’s how it should be. (Unless that’s a turn on, no judgement) I think he’s almost like… lording it over you? Which to me is not cool at all.
I feel like with that comment, he's not treating like a partner but more like an ice cream flavour he's gotten bored of and that's just all kinds of fucked up. He does not see OP as a person, just a sex doll that he can switch out when he feels like it. Disgusting behaviour. Dump him.
> That caused a big fight, and he brought up my body, saying he wasn't feeling it right now and was in the mood for something else.
Not sure why the relationship wasn’t ended right there.
> Am I overreacting
No, you’re under-reacting by staying in the relationship still.
NTA except to yourself.
Agree, bf sounds like he’s addicted to porn. He’s not alone, it’s a real problem for many, many people. He gets a dopamine hit each time he watches porn. The problem with dopamine, when you over-indulge, is you begin to need more and more and more of it to feel normal… which long term, kinda leaves you out of the picture. So, no, you are NTA. He has a problem and needs therapeutic help.
Suggest you read, “Dopamine Nation” by Anna Lembke, MD. She explains the science of addiction and dopamine really well.
Good luck.
BF will end up with a broken d!ck, and join the no fap movement which blames masturbation. That sub is so misguided. Masturbation isn’t the problem, porn is. Sadly many men cannot imagine one without the other.
I went through this exact thing with a porn addict. I think he was using me as a ward to hide his addiction. Guy was like that before me and blamed it on me. A ton of therapy. I hope OP runs I see so many bad signs with this guy, ugh
NTA
A well-laid guy will still 50-50 watch some porn at some point. But choosing to go watch porn instead of being with your real life partner who is DTF? That’s a problem.
If he’s not willing to express, explore and work on whatever the underlying issue is, then it’s time to go your separate ways. And I couldn’t really blame you if you decided to skip straight to going your own way. Especially if I am correctly understanding that he told you he was tired of your body.
time to move on and find someone who will respect you. i dated a guy who admitted to picturing having sex w every woman he saw. perverts are gross and get out before it turns too sour
edit: the respect piece of this doesnt come from watching porn/being self serving. its about the comment about her body
I dated a guy like that too. It was super gross and I wish I left sooner. In situations like this it’s really best to just cut your losses—this is going to wear on you if you stay long term.
I don’t mind about hubby watching porn, but if I’m DTF and he says “no thank you I rather watch porn and jerk off” Id be livid and this alone would’ve caused a HUGE damage in our relationship. I’m surprised OP only blew out after many gross rejections from her bf. yikes.
Edited typos
I saw some comments about how you should try to help your bf overcome his porn addiction and here is my 2 cents.
I’m not addicted to porn, but I am an addicted and I can say that if he really suffers from addiction then there’s no no way you can help him *if* he doesn’t want help. Unfortunately this has to come from him and he needs to feel the will to help himself so he can let others help him. It might take some time, and I really think you deserve better and yolo, so don’t waste your time. If you are not married and don’t have kids, it’s easier to just leave now. It will hurt but it will pass. Addiction can and will be destructive if not treated properly. And it will tear into pieces the partner that sticks around. Maybe what he needs to understand the dimension of his problem enough to take a turn, is to ~~leave~~ lose you.
NTA and i say leave because this is toxic af.
ETA: addiction is a long-lasting condition, that can be treated and controlled but not cured. Take that into consideration.
Edited typo.
NTA
He knows what he wants. He's down for his hand. He's addicted to jerking off. That's his issue. I'm betting he's jerking at work and other times that aren't cool.
You're disgusted because he's disgusting. Get out of this relationship.
NTA, but he's not acting like a 15 yo boy. He's acting like a man with a severe porn addiction. This type of addiction is far more prevalent in our society than most would believe. Porn is insidious, it is pernicious. Studies have shown it has a similar effect on the brain as do hard drugs like heroin. It destroys relationships, and kills the soul. You need to ask yourself, do you want to help him beat the porn addiction? If not, or he simply isn't willing, it's probably best to leave.
And I say this all as a grown man who has struggled with porn addiction since I was 10 years old.
Something is really wrong here. He would rather have his hand and women on a screen than you. I'm so sorry.
Let him go. How you are feeling now? It will get worse as he continues to hurt you over and over.
NTA
NTA at all! If you’ve been fighting about it and he knows how you feel it’s just blatant disrespect that he keeps doing it (and doing it to obviously). Porn can be very destructive in relationships (and just in general) and to me it’s crazy that he said he’s “not feeling your body” and “is in the mood for something else”… such a weird and disrespectful thing to say. Try to have a serious conversation with him and maybe even couples counseling if you have that option, since it doesn’t seem like he’s taking your feelings/opinions as seriously as they should be
They don't have kids and they're not married. Dating is to find out if this is The One (usually).
He's clearly not the One she wants to commit her time to.
She knows this now.
Why waste her energy on all this talking and counseling? Just go!
I know a girl who was with a guy who literally could only get off by using his hand. He’d watched so much porn and used his hand so much he couldn’t have normal sex. The relationship didn’t last long.
NTA.
The fact that he clearly has a porn addiction that has nothing to do with you, yet he managed to somehow turn his issue into a problem with your body is such an asshole move. You deserve so much more than you’ve settled for, OP.
Coming from someone who overcame a severe porn addiction, it's a disease.
I'd lose countless hours chasing a nut, and before I knew it, it was 5am.
What worked for me was quitting cold turkey, I don't feel there is any middle ground with porn.
I had to fine-tune my social media algorithm to not see suggestive material. If I couldn't, I deleted that platform.
If you both are on the same page and feel the relationship is worth saving, work with him and help him overcome it.
However, if he's not willing to put in the work to quit, it's probably a lost cause, unfortunately.
Quitting porn changed my life, I'm happy and healthy. Where as before, i was always low on myself and depressed. Chasing instant gratification is unhealthy and robs you of the real prize, a mutual feeling with your partner.
I hope he realizes the negative effect it has on his and your life and can overcome it.
It's difficult, but it's so worth it.
Edit - forgot to add, NTA.
NTA, nor are you overreacting. If a couple watch porn together, then have sex together, that’s healthy. If one of the couple turns to porn and self-satisfies while their partner is rejected, that’s a problem.
You need to talk about this. If he’s no longer attracted to you, he should be honest.
This sounds like a porn addiction. For him to so blatantly tell you that he's in the mood for something else and that something is a video and his hand, yeah, he needs help. For a man to refuse a warm loving body for his own hand is just wild. He really needs help. If it seeks it and you want to stay, I wish you best. If he doesn't want help, then you need to consider the impact this behavior will have on you longterm and whether that is something you are willing to risk.
Guys don't always want to fuck when horny. We sometimes prefer to masturbate. Less work, less time commitment, no pressure about performance, no pressure to get someone else off as well, (almost) guaranteed to finish, a nice quick get it done, relax and be stress free. But with how often this guy is taking off to go watch porn and beat it is too much, and he does it in such a disrespectful way.
>he brought up my body, saying he wasn't feeling it right now and was in the mood for something else
Who the fuck says shit like this? Guy is a dumbass.
NTA
See my petty butt would wait till he is balls deep then move away and say,”sorry i need to go watch porn yours just isn’t big enough for me right now. I need to see something bigger.” Then leave him in bed alone
Okay, all the women that are making these posts just need to dump these losers and date guys who don't prefer porn to a real, breathing, eager woman's body. So pathetic, mostly for those of us who can't beat the porn addicts for a woman's affection.
This may not be a popular perspective and I may get some flack for this, but I have often thought porn addiction is like having an affair in a way. His attention is focused on "someone" else besides you. That hurts!
It's different if you are both into it but if he is hiding it or using porn to get off and ignoring you, that's just not right. I'd have a heart-to-heart with him and if nothing changes I'd kick him to the curb. You deserve someone who respects you, willing to consider your thoughts and feelings.
Just my two bits' worth.
I think there's so much cognitive dissonance on the internet around porn. Of course anybody would be insecure if their partner chose to get off to other people, instead of their partner, or just masturbating and using your imagination. But women are being called insecure and controlling more and more frequently for having a problem with it. In what other situation do we blame people for being hurt that their partner is lusting over someone else?! Never, only with porn. I think more people are addicted to it than they realise and don't want to admit it isn't normal.
their excuse is always that porn is everywhere and it's normalized too like... so was cocaine at one point? so were lobotomies??? the logic doesn't logic
If I have to hear one more time that porn is normal I might well scream. Just because something's popular doesn't mean it's normal. Not to mention all the studies that show porn negatively affects the brain and our ability to produce dopamine in the long run... nope, don't wanna hear it, rather bash one out to women who are likely being exploited, not that porn watchers would care anyway.
So not to judge but you’re not the AH but this is why they say that porn can be destructive in relationships. It starts replacing normal human connection and it seems like that’s what’s going on with your BF, he may need some therapy to get him through this.
Be careful. If not solved, the problem only gets worse.
I worked opposite schedules when I was with an ex partner. I had to rush home before 11:30am just to try and get intimate with them. Then, they started saying it was just easier to watch porn, fall asleep, and nap before work.
It was a confidence blow.
I'd beg to go down on them just to store it for later... but no.
Other factors came into play as to why we didn't last, but that shit was definitely part of it
If you're a single guy or girl, then porn will help when you're feeling horny. But if you are willing to turn away from your partner who is willing and available more times than they are not, which 4-5 times a week is wow, then you have a porn problem.
That's a real issue to get seen to because personally you're giving up real life for a digital image, which 99% of it does not even touch on reality.
He has a porn addiction and that wreaks havoc on relationships. People who say it’s not cheating, don’t understand that it feels like cheating. The fact is he isn’t putting you first.
Be honest with him and yourself of why this isn’t okay with you and your relationship. If he can’t understand how this is hurting you and your relationship then he is selfish and you need to consider yourself.
Good luck
Throw the whole man away boo. Why does he need porn? I know teenagers who act better than him when it comes to stuff like that. Obvi NTA but reconsider your relationship and have a serious sit down with him.
I'm pro porn but not when it's instead of sex but in addition to. With him saying he wasn't feeling your body and wanted porn instead is a huge red flag. At this point I'd consider porn cheating in your relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheated or will end up cheating in the future because due to wanting to look/feel a different body.
check out the subreddit r/loveafterporn it’s a great community for getting validation for these feelings, because you’re valid! reading posts from there has helped me vocalize a lot of my feelings throughout my very similar situation. best of luck dear <3
it’s perfectly fine to not want to be with someone who looks at other women sexually, don’t let others tell you otherwise. you just have to vocalize that and communicate. but don’t lower your morals and standards, especially if you could see yourself marrying this person! it’s important
I’ll be honest I almost stopped reading when you said you didn’t want it in the relationship. Personally I think it’s ok when the partner is not around.
But for him to just walk away from you to go jerk off is unreal. Leave that man now. He is not the one!
It’s not just the porn thing. But you’ve admitted to him that it makes you uncomfortable. And he’s choosing to ignore that.
Sounds like y’all aren’t compatible and time to split.
NTA. You’re not compatible. You want a man who will have sex with you and bring you to orgasm. He wants his hand. You can’t compete with righty. Or lefty. Idk him
Masterbation is not cheating. HOWEVER. That being said. Choosing to watch porn over having sex with your willing and able girlfriend, I’d put that in the same family as cheating.
My ex would not have sex with me while I was pregnant. He got mad at me when he found me masterbating after her turned me down for sex for the millionth time.
When I read that he chose porn over you. That just broke my heart. You are allowed to be upset. People will treat you how you let them, and it doesn’t sound like this guy is going to treat you right. Please do some soul searching <3
You’re right to feel like you do and I agree. Like why would you go jerk off when we can go it right now??? But the comment he wasn’t feeling you and wanted to look at another woman and nut….. absolutely fucking not. We’d have been broke up that night. You not feeling me and are in the mood for someone else basically…. Well you’re free to be with someone else cause it ain’t me anymore!
"even our sex life has been great, with us having sex at least 4-5 times a week."
Just a note...quantity does not equal quality.
You do not sound pathetic. It's ok to not be okay with this. NTA
NTA damn if I said that to my wife I wouldn't have a wife to say it too.
Flip it on its head would he accept it if you said I'm into your body right now I'm going to rub one out to some other guy. No he wouldn't
It's fine to be turned on by something else it's fine to watch porn ..... But it should be used as stop gap when one is horny and one isn't not at the expense of actual sex with an actual person
“In the mood for something else” isn’t a phrase most people use when they’re in a relationship. Ew. NTA, stop sleeping with him and tell him he can have his hand.
In general Masturbation can be a form of self care and is often more about his relationship with himself and his body than it is to do with you. The dude should be allowed private time and you don’t get to control what he does in that time.
That being said the comments he made about your body are hurtful so you aren’t wrong to be upset by that
NTA
NTA. sounds like he might have a porn addiction. realistically, only he would know, and you know more than i do, of course, but that’s the vibe i’m getting. you’ve already told him you don’t like it and he can’t (won’t) stop, and he’s even choosing porn over real intimacy. please don’t feel insecure, OP, because this has nothing to do with you. and ignore that comment he made about your body. he’s not “feeling it” because he brainwashed himself with filters and surgically altered bodies, not because you’re not attractive. i don’t have any advice for you so i feel useless but definitely NTA
"In the mood for something else"? Well turn off the lights, close your eyes, think of celebrity crush and get to work. ATH. I don't think this relationship is gonna work out. I'm pretty sure if you did that to him, he would be upset. Grab a dildo and a vibrator and go into another room before you tell him, "in the mood for something else".
This will probably be an unpopular opinion but I’ll say it anyway
Porn is not normal, it’s not healthy, it’s destructive
You’re 100% right in feeling the way you feel
NTA. Your bf is addicted to porn; he won't admit it, of course. Also, "in the mood for something else" should be a blaring siren for you. He sees you/sex with you/women as an **item** on a menu. (Well, he wasn't feeling the lobster so he'll order the ravioli tonight.) Like any addiction, **you** can't fix him—**he** has to want to change. (How are you pathetic when he's the one giving up real sex for imaginary sex?) Don't let his addiction drag you down with him.
I personally think a blanket ban on masturbation in a relationship is wrong. Sex takes a lot of energy and effort. Sometimes, you just want to get off and be done with it without all the extra effort. That, in general, should be okay.
That being said, your needs are not being met. And he is being oddly vocal about it like he is doing it to spite you or something. And especially that comment about your body and him wanting something different? That comment alone is grounds to terminate the relationship.
So even though I think you are wrong for the blanket ban just cause you personally are "always dtf", I still say you are NTA for this particular overall situation.
I would leave him.
I watch porn
So does my dude
But yeah dude that part where he said he wasn’t in the mood for you right now is really not fucking ok!! I’m sorry you are having to go through that.
I just asked a dozen dudes in the room after rwading this put loud...ranging in ages from 28-57 they all agree dude is wack or gay because "no man with available twat chooses to jerk it in the bathroom" 🤷🏼♀️
You are both TA. Him - for the body comment. Like wtf??
You are YTA a little bit. Hear me out. Going solely off your post and no other knowledge, it sounds like you don’t want him jerking it at all but to choose you every time and honestly, I don’t get that opinion. Masturbation is normal and having a gf DTF doesn’t mean he can never do it again. Honestly, sometimes you just want to rub one out quick and call it a day. I don’t think that mindset is healthy that every time he wants to orgasm it can only be with you. Him taking care of himself doesn’t and shouldn’t mean it is an insult to you or his desire for you.
That being said, there are some concerns that are totally legitimate. I would question if he has a porn addiction at this point. I can’t say 100% since we only know of these 3 instances but yea it’s weird he turned you down twice to slink off to bathroom. And the fact that he initiated that conversation in fight 3 seems like he is doing that on purpose, like he wants you to know he is doing it.
Unless you are ready to call it on this relationship, a serious discussion is in order. One where you can constructive to each other without it becoming a fight.
You are NOT pathetic! He is! He has a beautiful and willing partner (which many a man would be very grateful for!) and he’s choosing fake scenarios and his hand. Gross.
NTA, sounds like this relationship is pretty much over though. That stuff gets worse as time goes on.
What did he mean, he wasn't feeling it, with you.
Yeah. I have an ex who was having an affair with porn. When he's doing that, it's all about himself. He doesn't have to interact with you. He doesn't have to get you off. He gets to focus entirely on what he wants.
And I have zero objections to porn. I'll watch it with my partner. I also have no objection to self gratification, provided it isn't a substitute for actual sex.
Unless he views this as a problem and is willing to change, move on. It won't get better if he doesn't think it's a problem.
I am usually pro-porn, and anti "my partner can't watch porn bc it's cheating/I'm insecure/Jesus doesn't like it". But this situation is... not that.
He is actively choosing porn over you. He is telling you, in no uncertain terms, that you aren't enough for him. And if you aren't enough now, with a great relationship and great sex life, where will you stand in 5 years? 10 years?
I think people on here advise everyone to dump their partner over the stupidest shit, things that they would never leave someone they care about over. They make-believe escalate situations from the person missing their phone call into "he will never be there for your children". They misinterpret tiny mistakes as being akin to assault and battery. Your situation though? You may be the first person I've ever said this to, and the only time I've agreed with people jumping right to dump and run:
You can't fix this. You can't work with this. You'll just feel worse and worse. 2nd best, 3rd choice, last resort. Your self-esteem will plummet. You'll question your sexual appeal, if your feelings are legitimate, and your worth. It's not the porn. It's the rejection. For someone/something that's not you. For something that you cannot be. It's the complete disregard for your feelings. It's knowing that you'll be hurt by this bc you've just had 2 big fights about it, and saying fuck it and fuck you, what I want matters the most. I could prattle on, but you get the point. This is a huge waste of your time. It will rule over your relationship, and you will start to shrink.
Get out now. Before it takes years of therapy to fix what he is breaking.
NTAH - It comes down to a compatibility issue. You both have different expectations. I wouldn’t take his behaviors personal, maybe its the result of habit, maybe it just gets the job done the way he wants it to, who knows. Whats clear is that boundaries and expectations need to be set
NTA
I Once dated a guy who had a problem with porno I didn’t realize it at first then it became obvious. We first broke off and got back together I found with a lot of porno tapes in his room and guess what he was doing to them.
We briefly got back together but he tried to gaslight by saying he had blue balls and he would get a sex worker if we didn’t have sex.
I dumped him and moved on.
Your bf isn’t worth it that’s his problem Not yours to deal with. If he thinks he can find better then let him find better maybe a sex worker or two can help him out no pun intended.
Just leave him guys like that are gross
He’s got a porn addition. It’s one thing to watch porn when you don’t have the real thing. It’s quite another to reject your partner and throw it in their face He’s weird.
NTA.
My wife has a wildly shifting sex drive, so sometimes it's most days of the week but other times it won't be for a week or more. She knows I need a release and would never be mad about me using porn. We even share some porn interests. But I've never done the things your bf has done. Sex with my wife trumps all other things unless I'm legit not in the mood...which is super rare.
NTA I totally get why this upsets you. Even if you didn’t mind the porn or him jerking off, he could include you. I’m of the thinking that watching porn and jerking off is for when you are not DTF. The comment about not feeling your body was mean. I get the sense that he is selfish. Things will only get worse if you don’t let him know this is a problem. If there is more to him than the selfish asshole you presented, then you need to let him know this is a problem. If he wants to salvage your relationship, he needs to make some serious changes. My ex treated me like that, it ruined my self-esteem. Don’t let that happen to you.
I think it’s gross to watch porn on the toilet like ewww that’s for piss & shit. Next time just be like wow you really like the smell huh you’re a poop smeller and it’s such a turn off. 🤣
I had the same problem with my boyfriend (now husband) when we first got together. The only difference is that my husband acknowledged my feelings when I told him how it made me feel. He told me that he would work on it and he did. Because he’s a real one who actually loves me and cares about how his actions affect me.
There’s so much more to a partnership than the things you listed above. You deserve EVERYTHING your heart desires. Please don’t settle. Before I met my husband, I wasted 13 years of my life when I settled for a man child who didn’t truly care about my feelings. He swore he loved me and that he cared about me but he didn’t. Not really. I wish I would have known then what I know now.
ETA: NTA
Sweetie you have a huge lighthouse blinking red at you. Why watch fake ass porn when you have the real thing? He will cheat and he is for sure addicted to porn. Leave him and save yourself years of suffering and thinking you are the problem. This will only hurt your self esteem because you might think it is you. HE is the issue!
Blowing off sex to go jerk off is absolutely insane! If I did that to my wife she would absolutely go insane. NTA at all. He either has a weird porn addiction that he can’t satisfy while having sex with you or he isn’t in to you. Either way it’s a flag!! You deserve all the sex you want with someone who wants to have it with you.
NTA
Find someone that is ready to be with only one woman. My husband watches porn. Sometimes he does it daily, sometimes he won't for weeks. He would never tell me that he wasn't in the mood for my body, nor that he would pass on sex to jerk off because he wanted something different. Who says that to their partner, who even thinks that way about their mate? He has acted extremely callous & crass. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Move on now, before your lives are even more entangled. Never, ever settle. This would be a deal breaker for me.
And yes, he very likely would benefit from some counseling with a sex therapist. But that's his responsibility. Don't settle for any guy that needs to be mothered and guided. You deserve a partner, not a grown dependant.
Good luck! 🌹
NAH.
Sleeping in the couch isn't an overreaction. You know what is? Immediately leaping to label this a porn addiction based on *three instances*. That's batshit insane.
What else is going on in his life? How's his job? How's his family? His friends? He could just need some quick stress relief without any pressure to perform for anyone else. I'll just tell you that in my case, the times when I feel more stressed or less desirable are precisely the times when I'm more likely to avoid sex.
The big sin here is the comment about your body, but is it possible that was just a miscommunication?
Nothing wrong with porn, but it’s done in addition to sexy time, not in place of.
Also his comment was gross and manipulative. A red flag for narcissism.
NTA at all but you should reevaluate the relationship.
Do I get it correctly : did he criticized your body to justify his lust for porn ???!!! Ewwww ! This is so disrespectful ! It's toxic AF ! He's belittling you : no wonder you felt angry and disgusted ! Leave him alone : this way he'll have all the privacy he needs to jerk off whenever he wants !
As for what his behaviour means, I'm not a man but if this behaviour is new and following some change (moving in with him, officializing your relationship or any "further step), he could be acting like an AH because he realized that he wasn't that much into it but he's too cowardly to break up and he's pushing you into it.
Sounds like he is addicted to porn.
But, NTA. You need to get couples therapy and you need to insist that he work on this addiction.
If he's not willing to then you need to decide if you can put up with it or not
I think you’re absolutely NTA. If you’re like there for your spouse, awake and eagerly awaiting some attention?
(just for reference I divorced a drug addict/alcoholic at one point, and part of the problem was that she was asleep like 16+ hours a day; so not EXACTLY eager to participate in anything fun 🙄)
That’s insulting if he would rather sneak off and JO to porno by himself. Christ, just watch it in bed with your partner, there’s like a 50-50 shot she’ll get into the spirit! And as the saying goes, “Fortune favors the bold” 😂😂😂
NTA. Your bf is feeding your insecurities. He's probably doing it on purpose so he can be more demanding later on. He's hoping you'll become desperate.
Honey my ex did that to me so much it caused me to find out I don’t just have depression, but PTSD (childhood trauma). When we started dating he was hot and heavy, but after a month he stopped having sex with me. Me weighing 155 and he weighing 350, me always offering to be on top. I would beg him for sex and he would reject me, then start watching porn and masturbating right in front of me not ten minutes later. He bought $800 and $1200 silicone sex dolls, too. I got so fucked up from the constant blatant rejection I started paying to talk to a therapist. Don’t let your bf ruin your self-esteem like that.
NTA. At the start I really thought this was going to be a case of women can't handle that men watch porn thing. But what you are describing is massively unhealthy.
But devil's advocate. You are not entitled to sex. He doesn't have to have it with you. I don't know why he would choose his hand over a flesh and blood person, but he can if he wants to. Though he could be more discreet.
Equally though, you have no obligation to be with someone who is treating you so poorly. Telling you he's not feeling your body is incredibly disrespectful. Set your boundaries and be firm with them.
He's addicted to porn.
He needs to either stop watching it or behaviour like this will continue. If you want to stay with him you need to have a serious talk and outline a step process to stop him watching. Otherwise this behaviour and him choosing to watch porn over having sex with you will get worse.
If you still have hard feelings for him, get him some help. He's got a porn addiction or doesn't find you attractive anymore... Maybe both.
The best course would be to sit him down and have a serious discussion about this cause this clearly can't go on. If he apologizes and vows to be mindful of your feelings and needs then enforce that. If he doesn't do that, or if you're just done, then it's time to break off and move on.
I'm very surprised at the comments here. Why is everyone blaming the BF for not wanting to have sex? I thought this sub was very big on the entire 'No means no' etc.
Wow is he being honest. Too honest. And you are not overreacting.
Porn will do that. And he has a problem with porn when its affecting his desire for his hot and ready woman next to him. And to be so insensitive to let you know that he's choosing porn over you is so unkind.
So either leave him or work to improve yourself and your relationship. Your choice.
In new relationships like yours, often couples get comfortable with each other and let themselves go a little. They stay in bed together instead of working out to look their best like they did when they were trying to find a partner. Is that what has happened? I can't tell from your post. Has he also let himself go too? It can affect his desire.
Please don't take this the wrong way. This honesty from him could mean many things. One would be that he was addicted to porn before he met you and he's hidden it until now. Two could be that both of you have become lazy and its showing. Three could be that just you have become lazy. Four could be that he's a mean mother fucker and wants to control you. Five could be that his confidence with you took a dip when you didn't get off and instead of just chalking it up to one of those things he took it personally and thought maybe he doesn't do it for you anymore and you're just being nice until you dump him. Its probably a combination of these.
If you just demonize the porn, then you'll never know the problem. I think counseling is a great idea to get to the bottom of it.
He may not think there's a problem. I knew a guy who would have sex with his girl and then go to his massage parlor to get a happy ending...in the same day. Which I thought was crazy, but men are all different. And now that you've been together for a year, and you're comfortable with each other your real selves are starting to be revealed.
Watch his porn with him to see what he likes. It may not be that awful and/or it might reveal he's too kinky for you. Like I said don't demonize his porn. Some of us like it and are not addicted to it.
Be open to his honesty. Tell him to be kinder to you when he's being 'honest'. And when he's cruelly honest like he was, make HIM take the couch, not you.
Good Luck. You're at a pretty important juncture in your relationship at one year. What happens will determine if you stay together or not.
NTA. I'm all for my husband watching porn or jerking off when he wants to, but he's never chosen to jerk off over having sex with, and this: >he brought up my body, saying he wasn't feeling it right now and was in the mood for something else. would not work for me. I'm not naive enough to think my husband isn't turned on by naked women with body types different from mine - I've had 2 kids, this shit ain't cute anymore - but Jesus, don't fucking say it and for damn sure don't say it like *that*.
Right?! I audibly said, What?!? when I read that part. “I’m not feeling it right now, in the mood for something else…” This isn’t a restaurant sir
I laughed at your restaurant bit, that's literally how this guy thinks. Bet he cheats a lot.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s 😂😂
🍔🍝 🍉 you made me die
You sound like my wife, and if your husband is anything like me, he loves your body especially since you gave him two kids. We appreciate you more than you know(and sometimes more than we show)
Shiii I don’t have a wife or kids but my girlfriend (and soon to be fiancé hopefully) is everything to me. And she’s also not naive enough to think other women/body types wouldn’t be attractive to me (like OP’s comment said) but I make damn sure she knows how much I want her and only her. I can’t imagine stopping sex to tell your significant other than you “aren’t feeling her body rn”. That is fuckin nuts, if she was out the door right after that, I wouldn’t blame her a bit. Wtf
Exactly! His need to jerk of when there is a willing participatant in the room, tell me he might have a addiction to porn, which in itself is damaging to a relationship. NTA. OP this is a red flag 🚩.
THIS!! It's nice to see another true man out there unafraid to shout that love for what these women went through to bring our most precious gifts into this world. They don't get enough credit for how amazing and powerful their bodies are. Let alone all of the shit from us they gotta put up with along the way. 😂
For a lot of women, their significant other doing *anything* other than having sex with them (I.e. masturbation with or even without porn) — that is a betrayal. Sometimes porn is seen as cheating by people. The spectrum of what is considered betrayal is all over the place. You either get on board your partner’s betrayal train, or move on.
Also true. This woman (op) sounds like one of the most forgiving women on the planet to put up with an iota of this dude's shit. Honestly I hate coming across judging someone I don't know, but if taking her at her word, this guy is gonna be in for a rough road finding someone else REMOTELY as willing to put up with ANY of this nonsense. But it's high time this poor woman finds someone who treats her at least with respect like everyone deserves. I'm sorry, but I can't even fathom being in a mindset where I'm thinking 'yeah, tell the woman I love and share my bed with that her body is turning me off and I would rather go watch a stranger have sex on my phone and jerk myself off to it'. Then you, what ... Just come back to bed, annnnddd use the gentle rocking of your gf's quiet sobbing to lull you to sleep?? Foh with this 8yo BOY. This woman deserves so much better than this. I don't care what kind of person she is, taking the post at face value leads me to believe she deserves NONE of this boy's shit. Sorry for the rant, but as a single guy who's had my share of toxic relationships (yes of course I was the idiot causing some of it in them too, relax 😁, I'm just trying to learn and be better, I'm not perfect), it incenses me hearing about blatant juvenile fuckboy behavior like this being pulled on someone who seems way too forgiving to be dragged down by this child. So I apologize for the long windedness, if anyone actually reads this whole thing (I'm sorry I'm still going), thanks for helping me exorcise some frustrations before I head into work! 😂
Need more men like you in this world
😂😂 There are at least a few people who may disagree with that. Lol. But I definitely try to grow as I get older and learn as much as I can from every misstep and mistake along the way. And the more I learn, the more I realize what is actually important in life. We only get one shot at this, and it's not a long ride. So why waste time on silly young nonsense like anything but complete open honesty in a relationship where communication is a top priority for both and respect is both given and earned. But it also gets harder to find someone who wants the same things, so 🤷🏻♂️. Trust the process, and don't sell yourself short. Or something like that. 🤷🏻♂️
Personally, I don't understand that. There's nothing wrong with a bit of self love! But, in the context OP is describing, it seems to be all kinds of wrong. Why anyone would turn down a willing participant is beyond me. Something is going wrong here!
My wife says the same she is hot af and I’m super into her!!
This is SUCH a shining indication of a fantastic human. You, sir, 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I like you.
This is the best comment ever
Bingo! 👆
This honestly. My ex was like this. Would just outright tell me what he didn't like about me and my body and what he did find attractive. My dumb ass was naive and thought that shit was normal in relationships.
Agghhh that’s SO fkd up! I really thought I’d experienced every messed up thing a guy could say in a relationship- but this is a new thing for me to hear. This would absolutely mess me up at a younger age, the constant feeling of inadequacy and feeling like he had all the power
Oh it did. I was 17 when we met, 19 when we started dating and 29 when the relationship ended. I'm 39 now and still struggle with self esteem issues and I know a part of them was because my first real relationship was with a man that had zero respect for me and my naive ass thinking that was normal. 😒 Sadly I can't even blame an age difference because he was only 2 years older.
I'm also in my thirties, and found myself in a similarly terrible dynamic when I was young. I had a high school boyfriend who quite literally convinced me to develop an eating disorder - when I had never before had serious issues with my self image. He loved to describe how much better I would look if I just had a *little* less fat around my belly button (ummm it's just how I'm built, and at the time I was a serious dancer...belly fat??) By the time I got home from my freshman year of college, I was 94 lb and so depressed. As silly as it sounds, it has taken literally decades to quiet his voice in my head, and absolutely affected my other relationships. Therapy helped, but being young and vulnerable in a relationship like that can really mess you up.
Yes, I had a boyfriend who was very secretive about his own sexuality and his relationship with other women. He learned a lot of this abusive behavior from his father and mother. I still married him and he only became more secretive to the point of him suggesting that I should get a breast enlargement. I was already very endowed. I was so naive and ignorant of what he was doing and how he was destroying not only my self esteem but our relationship together.
You met him and started dating him when your brain literally hadn’t finished forming!!you had nothing to compare the relationship to- don’t you dare beat yourself up for what you went through! At 16 I also met a really manipulative, verrrrry controlling guy who was volatile and could be cruel; but he told me he loved me so desperately, and of course I believed him and assumed I’d be w him forever, he was all I knew! I was w him for way too long too. And it absolutely messed me up too for years and years. I have a great therapist though who has helped me enormously!
I'm glad that you got a therapist and got out of that. You deserve so much more and I wish more people told young girls and young boys that they were worth something.
I just wrote an almost identical comment. It breaks my heart that so many of us live through this stuff. When you're that age, you are still so impressionable and terribly vulnerable to toxic and manipulative people. I'm glad you were able to find a good therapist, that made a WORLD of difference to me as well. ❤️❤️
5 days after my 2nd C-section, my ex, who’s 5’9”-300 pounds with tits twice as big as mine were, (even full of milk,) asked me if my stomach would always have that “weird flap,” and that he hopes my body snaps back like it did when I had my first daughter. I was 18 when I “snapped back,” and 28 when we had our baby. Oof he never lived that down.
Because you never stayed another minute to let him live that crap down?
Yeah, what the eff if up with the damn hypocrisy of so many men? I'd be gone.
Same!
Yeah, he literally told OP that he'd rather get off on stroking it to pictures of other women's bodies. That is *extremely* distasteful and inconsiderate. More inconsiderate than leaving OP hanging for a climax, which is still selfish in its own right.
Right? Lmfao. PSites are sooooo boring now it’s literally just for scrolling to see different women at this point. Same up and down stroking and fake annoying moaning… over it! Next!
maybe he's also getting off on humiliating OP too.
Precisely, you are a human not a take out option!!
My wife had two kids and I’m head over heels for her. Would eat it for a week.. If your husband is saying some crazy shit about how he’s not into your body and WENT TO WATCH PORN INSTEAD??? My guy is a douchebag.
1000%. I’m not naive enough to think my boyfriend doesn’t appreciate other women’s bodies. I mean I appreciate other men (and realistically women) too. But if he were to make negative comments or comparisons about my body, then that’s a line drawn and I’m out. OP - just this alone you deserve to be respected more. But id also be very hurt if my partner left the bed to go jerk off in the bathroom, even more so when im trying to have sex with him.
Exactly! I was just thinking that. I would be like, hold up. We need to have a conversation about this. You can communicate your issues without being straight up rude. That was just rude and uncalled for.
"he brought up my body, saying he wasn't feeling it right now and was in the mood for something else." What???? Why are you still with him? What an asshole. You deserve better than that.
Came here to say this. Dump this ahole
Fr, he can go marry his porn
>"he brought up my body, saying he wasn't feeling it right now and was in the mood for something else." Bro, the absolute instantaneousness with which I would be done with this clown…
I’d been done so fast his head would a been rolling
That's what you say about food. "Not in the mood for this, gonna order something else" NOT your partners body wtf?
Exactly. Like, someone actually said this, in real life, to someone they are sharing a bed and a life with??! Everyone deserves AT LEAST better than this. Fuck. That. And fuck him. He can go jerk off all he wants, by himself where he deserves to be.
Yes to this! Dude needs to grow up and prioritize OP over his hand. Have a real talk with him about it, but dont settle if he cant shape up. You deserve way better than that.
Yeah, exactly! It's so disrespectful to bring up someone's body like that and prioritize something else over your partner. She deserves way better treatment than that.
NTA. My ex would actively watch porn on his phone while being intimate with me and because he was my first I didn’t know any better. One of the many things he did in regard to porn that I won’t discuss here. I don’t know your relationship but I can tell you mine didn’t get better. He made me feel bad about my body, my size, sex was always for him (like you’ve described in your post) and never for me and while I enjoyed sex and it was 4-5 times a week (the first year) I thought it was normal to never get off. Moving forward, you should take in consideration if things get better or worse and what you plan to do when that time comes. Don’t spend an extra year around thinking things will change because they won’t lol. Respectfully of course!
your post caught me off-guard because I went through the same thing. exactly. we were actually kept apart from something beyond our control (physical distance) for long enough that I finally realized I needed to never have anything to do with him again. I'm glad you're out of that, and me, too!
I went through something similar but with every man i’d ever been with before my current boyfriend. they weren’t watching porn but they were basically using me as a hole and that’s it. I thought I was weird and something was wrong with me that I really wasn’t enjoying it but none of them cared. they got off and now they’re done. in fear of being crude, my boyfriend is the first man to ever make me fucking cum and *make sure* that I do. i’m saying this because i’m so tired of women feeling this way and being treated as a second thought. fuck your ex. fuck my exes. fuck all of them
I think this is an experience many many of us have had, unfortunately. And if they do want to make sure you orgasm, be sure that they’re doing it for you and not for themselves. The one person that gave a shit that i did come was only doing it to feed his ego. So he go to the point where he did things he saw in the porn he was watching every day - and lying about - even when i told him i didn’t like it and to stop. It’s one of many reasons I’m currently divorcing him after a couple of decades. Ladies, don’t ever let any man make you feel like you’re just a series of holes. It is not “normal” and it’s not ok. And it WILL fuck with your head over time. I thought I was broken sexually and worked for years to make myself less broken. Turns out it wasn’t me who had the problem. I knew that deep down he had a porn problem and a problem with sex in general. He was only ever with his ex wife and me. So his real life experience to porn ratio was way off. That made most of his sexual experience based on porn. And we aren’t in a porno. We’re actual human beings with our own likes and dislikes, our own reactions to feeling good, our own way of having an orgasm. And none of it is wrong because it is true to the individual.
NTA. The comment about being tired of your body and wanting something else is really fucked up. Also like, to me, porn and jacking off are private. Like yes I know I do it and my bf does it but we don’t really talk about it and I think that’s how it should be. (Unless that’s a turn on, no judgement) I think he’s almost like… lording it over you? Which to me is not cool at all.
He didn't have to say it like that. He's announcing it to hurt her feelings. I don't like that at all.
Okay…he has now told you who he is. Not a lot of time wasted here matbe consider moving on before any complications?
I feel like with that comment, he's not treating like a partner but more like an ice cream flavour he's gotten bored of and that's just all kinds of fucked up. He does not see OP as a person, just a sex doll that he can switch out when he feels like it. Disgusting behaviour. Dump him.
This 👆. All of this.
Na, my bf and I talk about it. Its hot. But we are in a ldr. *choosing* masturbation over sex is just not a sign of a working relationship.
I bet your husband legitimately thinks you're the sexiest ever. Love does that.
> That caused a big fight, and he brought up my body, saying he wasn't feeling it right now and was in the mood for something else. Not sure why the relationship wasn’t ended right there. > Am I overreacting No, you’re under-reacting by staying in the relationship still. NTA except to yourself.
If he isn’t attracted to you why he is in a relationship with you?
[удалено]
Agree, bf sounds like he’s addicted to porn. He’s not alone, it’s a real problem for many, many people. He gets a dopamine hit each time he watches porn. The problem with dopamine, when you over-indulge, is you begin to need more and more and more of it to feel normal… which long term, kinda leaves you out of the picture. So, no, you are NTA. He has a problem and needs therapeutic help. Suggest you read, “Dopamine Nation” by Anna Lembke, MD. She explains the science of addiction and dopamine really well. Good luck.
BF will end up with a broken d!ck, and join the no fap movement which blames masturbation. That sub is so misguided. Masturbation isn’t the problem, porn is. Sadly many men cannot imagine one without the other.
I went through this exact thing with a porn addict. I think he was using me as a ward to hide his addiction. Guy was like that before me and blamed it on me. A ton of therapy. I hope OP runs I see so many bad signs with this guy, ugh
Exactly this
Spot on.
For the convenience.
His hand is there. He is getting something else from her, domestic labour or emotional labour.
Because many people are terrified of being alone, more so than of being unhappy.
That’s sad … I rather be alone for awhile even if it’s a long while than to be permanently unhappy
Seriously. "Ground control?" "I've got major ick. Commencing break up in 3-2-1."
He has a porn addiction and it's time to move on. He sucks and you deserve respect.
NTA. Don’t stop at merely leaving the bed. Dump him.
NTA A well-laid guy will still 50-50 watch some porn at some point. But choosing to go watch porn instead of being with your real life partner who is DTF? That’s a problem. If he’s not willing to express, explore and work on whatever the underlying issue is, then it’s time to go your separate ways. And I couldn’t really blame you if you decided to skip straight to going your own way. Especially if I am correctly understanding that he told you he was tired of your body.
Exactly
time to move on and find someone who will respect you. i dated a guy who admitted to picturing having sex w every woman he saw. perverts are gross and get out before it turns too sour edit: the respect piece of this doesnt come from watching porn/being self serving. its about the comment about her body
I dated a guy like that too. It was super gross and I wish I left sooner. In situations like this it’s really best to just cut your losses—this is going to wear on you if you stay long term.
couldnt agree more. took a long time for me to have normal intimacy with future partners
I don’t mind about hubby watching porn, but if I’m DTF and he says “no thank you I rather watch porn and jerk off” Id be livid and this alone would’ve caused a HUGE damage in our relationship. I’m surprised OP only blew out after many gross rejections from her bf. yikes. Edited typos
I saw some comments about how you should try to help your bf overcome his porn addiction and here is my 2 cents. I’m not addicted to porn, but I am an addicted and I can say that if he really suffers from addiction then there’s no no way you can help him *if* he doesn’t want help. Unfortunately this has to come from him and he needs to feel the will to help himself so he can let others help him. It might take some time, and I really think you deserve better and yolo, so don’t waste your time. If you are not married and don’t have kids, it’s easier to just leave now. It will hurt but it will pass. Addiction can and will be destructive if not treated properly. And it will tear into pieces the partner that sticks around. Maybe what he needs to understand the dimension of his problem enough to take a turn, is to ~~leave~~ lose you. NTA and i say leave because this is toxic af. ETA: addiction is a long-lasting condition, that can be treated and controlled but not cured. Take that into consideration. Edited typo.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. That sounds like a traumatic thing to go through.. hope you're doing well & kicking ass now 🫶
NTA He knows what he wants. He's down for his hand. He's addicted to jerking off. That's his issue. I'm betting he's jerking at work and other times that aren't cool. You're disgusted because he's disgusting. Get out of this relationship.
NTA He will never love any woman more than he loves his hand.
NTA. That's not right. You know it and so does he.
NTA, but he's not acting like a 15 yo boy. He's acting like a man with a severe porn addiction. This type of addiction is far more prevalent in our society than most would believe. Porn is insidious, it is pernicious. Studies have shown it has a similar effect on the brain as do hard drugs like heroin. It destroys relationships, and kills the soul. You need to ask yourself, do you want to help him beat the porn addiction? If not, or he simply isn't willing, it's probably best to leave. And I say this all as a grown man who has struggled with porn addiction since I was 10 years old.
Something is really wrong here. He would rather have his hand and women on a screen than you. I'm so sorry. Let him go. How you are feeling now? It will get worse as he continues to hurt you over and over. NTA
NTA at all! If you’ve been fighting about it and he knows how you feel it’s just blatant disrespect that he keeps doing it (and doing it to obviously). Porn can be very destructive in relationships (and just in general) and to me it’s crazy that he said he’s “not feeling your body” and “is in the mood for something else”… such a weird and disrespectful thing to say. Try to have a serious conversation with him and maybe even couples counseling if you have that option, since it doesn’t seem like he’s taking your feelings/opinions as seriously as they should be
They don't have kids and they're not married. Dating is to find out if this is The One (usually). He's clearly not the One she wants to commit her time to. She knows this now. Why waste her energy on all this talking and counseling? Just go!
I second this. No counselling, leave stat.
I know a girl who was with a guy who literally could only get off by using his hand. He’d watched so much porn and used his hand so much he couldn’t have normal sex. The relationship didn’t last long.
NTA. What porn addiction does to a mf
NTA. The fact that he clearly has a porn addiction that has nothing to do with you, yet he managed to somehow turn his issue into a problem with your body is such an asshole move. You deserve so much more than you’ve settled for, OP.
NTA! Leave this guy immediately.
Coming from someone who overcame a severe porn addiction, it's a disease. I'd lose countless hours chasing a nut, and before I knew it, it was 5am. What worked for me was quitting cold turkey, I don't feel there is any middle ground with porn. I had to fine-tune my social media algorithm to not see suggestive material. If I couldn't, I deleted that platform. If you both are on the same page and feel the relationship is worth saving, work with him and help him overcome it. However, if he's not willing to put in the work to quit, it's probably a lost cause, unfortunately. Quitting porn changed my life, I'm happy and healthy. Where as before, i was always low on myself and depressed. Chasing instant gratification is unhealthy and robs you of the real prize, a mutual feeling with your partner. I hope he realizes the negative effect it has on his and your life and can overcome it. It's difficult, but it's so worth it. Edit - forgot to add, NTA.
NTA, nor are you overreacting. If a couple watch porn together, then have sex together, that’s healthy. If one of the couple turns to porn and self-satisfies while their partner is rejected, that’s a problem. You need to talk about this. If he’s no longer attracted to you, he should be honest.
It’s not ok for him to substitute you with porn when you’re willing. I’ve been through it and it ruined the relationship. NTA.
NTA - 48m here. Porn becomes an addiction and ruins sex drives.
This sounds like a porn addiction. For him to so blatantly tell you that he's in the mood for something else and that something is a video and his hand, yeah, he needs help. For a man to refuse a warm loving body for his own hand is just wild. He really needs help. If it seeks it and you want to stay, I wish you best. If he doesn't want help, then you need to consider the impact this behavior will have on you longterm and whether that is something you are willing to risk.
You're not pathetic he is.
Guys don't always want to fuck when horny. We sometimes prefer to masturbate. Less work, less time commitment, no pressure about performance, no pressure to get someone else off as well, (almost) guaranteed to finish, a nice quick get it done, relax and be stress free. But with how often this guy is taking off to go watch porn and beat it is too much, and he does it in such a disrespectful way. >he brought up my body, saying he wasn't feeling it right now and was in the mood for something else Who the fuck says shit like this? Guy is a dumbass. NTA
See my petty butt would wait till he is balls deep then move away and say,”sorry i need to go watch porn yours just isn’t big enough for me right now. I need to see something bigger.” Then leave him in bed alone
Honestly, me too! 🤷🏽♀️
Okay, all the women that are making these posts just need to dump these losers and date guys who don't prefer porn to a real, breathing, eager woman's body. So pathetic, mostly for those of us who can't beat the porn addicts for a woman's affection.
He's a coomer who is addicted to his death grip. Break up, there are better men out there. NTA
Dude has what we all want and is just going throw it all away
This may not be a popular perspective and I may get some flack for this, but I have often thought porn addiction is like having an affair in a way. His attention is focused on "someone" else besides you. That hurts! It's different if you are both into it but if he is hiding it or using porn to get off and ignoring you, that's just not right. I'd have a heart-to-heart with him and if nothing changes I'd kick him to the curb. You deserve someone who respects you, willing to consider your thoughts and feelings. Just my two bits' worth.
I think there's so much cognitive dissonance on the internet around porn. Of course anybody would be insecure if their partner chose to get off to other people, instead of their partner, or just masturbating and using your imagination. But women are being called insecure and controlling more and more frequently for having a problem with it. In what other situation do we blame people for being hurt that their partner is lusting over someone else?! Never, only with porn. I think more people are addicted to it than they realise and don't want to admit it isn't normal.
their excuse is always that porn is everywhere and it's normalized too like... so was cocaine at one point? so were lobotomies??? the logic doesn't logic
If I have to hear one more time that porn is normal I might well scream. Just because something's popular doesn't mean it's normal. Not to mention all the studies that show porn negatively affects the brain and our ability to produce dopamine in the long run... nope, don't wanna hear it, rather bash one out to women who are likely being exploited, not that porn watchers would care anyway.
I never thought about it this way. It is like an affair.
I agree. I’ve always thought that.
Agreed. If you don't know yet. 2bebetter.
So not to judge but you’re not the AH but this is why they say that porn can be destructive in relationships. It starts replacing normal human connection and it seems like that’s what’s going on with your BF, he may need some therapy to get him through this.
Be careful. If not solved, the problem only gets worse. I worked opposite schedules when I was with an ex partner. I had to rush home before 11:30am just to try and get intimate with them. Then, they started saying it was just easier to watch porn, fall asleep, and nap before work. It was a confidence blow. I'd beg to go down on them just to store it for later... but no. Other factors came into play as to why we didn't last, but that shit was definitely part of it
If you are DTF and he still goes to jerk off on porn then that's a problem. I would leave the relationship for it.
If you're a single guy or girl, then porn will help when you're feeling horny. But if you are willing to turn away from your partner who is willing and available more times than they are not, which 4-5 times a week is wow, then you have a porn problem. That's a real issue to get seen to because personally you're giving up real life for a digital image, which 99% of it does not even touch on reality.
This dude is not your dude. Nobody respectful says “I’m in the mood for something else.”
NTA! Bro hit the jackpot and is gunna lose it.
He has a porn addiction and that wreaks havoc on relationships. People who say it’s not cheating, don’t understand that it feels like cheating. The fact is he isn’t putting you first. Be honest with him and yourself of why this isn’t okay with you and your relationship. If he can’t understand how this is hurting you and your relationship then he is selfish and you need to consider yourself. Good luck
Choosing porn and jerking off over a gal that is DTF multiple times per week is next level idiotic. WTF is wrong with men today?
Throw the whole man away boo. Why does he need porn? I know teenagers who act better than him when it comes to stuff like that. Obvi NTA but reconsider your relationship and have a serious sit down with him.
I'm pro porn but not when it's instead of sex but in addition to. With him saying he wasn't feeling your body and wanted porn instead is a huge red flag. At this point I'd consider porn cheating in your relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheated or will end up cheating in the future because due to wanting to look/feel a different body.
Why have you put up with this three times already? Leave! By the sound of it he won't miss it.
check out the subreddit r/loveafterporn it’s a great community for getting validation for these feelings, because you’re valid! reading posts from there has helped me vocalize a lot of my feelings throughout my very similar situation. best of luck dear <3
it’s perfectly fine to not want to be with someone who looks at other women sexually, don’t let others tell you otherwise. you just have to vocalize that and communicate. but don’t lower your morals and standards, especially if you could see yourself marrying this person! it’s important
I’ll be honest I almost stopped reading when you said you didn’t want it in the relationship. Personally I think it’s ok when the partner is not around. But for him to just walk away from you to go jerk off is unreal. Leave that man now. He is not the one!
It’s not just the porn thing. But you’ve admitted to him that it makes you uncomfortable. And he’s choosing to ignore that. Sounds like y’all aren’t compatible and time to split.
This has got to be some rage bait karma farm. OP posted about being mad about the bf smoking weed in another sub.
NTA Dude has a porn addiction and needs help.
NTA. You’re not compatible. You want a man who will have sex with you and bring you to orgasm. He wants his hand. You can’t compete with righty. Or lefty. Idk him
Masterbation is not cheating. HOWEVER. That being said. Choosing to watch porn over having sex with your willing and able girlfriend, I’d put that in the same family as cheating. My ex would not have sex with me while I was pregnant. He got mad at me when he found me masterbating after her turned me down for sex for the millionth time. When I read that he chose porn over you. That just broke my heart. You are allowed to be upset. People will treat you how you let them, and it doesn’t sound like this guy is going to treat you right. Please do some soul searching <3
You’re right to feel like you do and I agree. Like why would you go jerk off when we can go it right now??? But the comment he wasn’t feeling you and wanted to look at another woman and nut….. absolutely fucking not. We’d have been broke up that night. You not feeling me and are in the mood for someone else basically…. Well you’re free to be with someone else cause it ain’t me anymore!
NTA The relationship is too young to be having these issues already. You should be leaving further than the couch.
"even our sex life has been great, with us having sex at least 4-5 times a week." Just a note...quantity does not equal quality. You do not sound pathetic. It's ok to not be okay with this. NTA
NTA damn if I said that to my wife I wouldn't have a wife to say it too. Flip it on its head would he accept it if you said I'm into your body right now I'm going to rub one out to some other guy. No he wouldn't It's fine to be turned on by something else it's fine to watch porn ..... But it should be used as stop gap when one is horny and one isn't not at the expense of actual sex with an actual person
“In the mood for something else” isn’t a phrase most people use when they’re in a relationship. Ew. NTA, stop sleeping with him and tell him he can have his hand.
He's comfortable disrespecting you and will never change. That's who he is. It's upto you to decide if that's who or what you want.
NTA he hasn't just been watching porn he also put you down it may be time to move on.
In general Masturbation can be a form of self care and is often more about his relationship with himself and his body than it is to do with you. The dude should be allowed private time and you don’t get to control what he does in that time. That being said the comments he made about your body are hurtful so you aren’t wrong to be upset by that NTA
NTA. sounds like he might have a porn addiction. realistically, only he would know, and you know more than i do, of course, but that’s the vibe i’m getting. you’ve already told him you don’t like it and he can’t (won’t) stop, and he’s even choosing porn over real intimacy. please don’t feel insecure, OP, because this has nothing to do with you. and ignore that comment he made about your body. he’s not “feeling it” because he brainwashed himself with filters and surgically altered bodies, not because you’re not attractive. i don’t have any advice for you so i feel useless but definitely NTA
"In the mood for something else"? Well turn off the lights, close your eyes, think of celebrity crush and get to work. ATH. I don't think this relationship is gonna work out. I'm pretty sure if you did that to him, he would be upset. Grab a dildo and a vibrator and go into another room before you tell him, "in the mood for something else".
NTA If he wants to watch porno and not play with you he can cuddle his fleshlight haha
This will probably be an unpopular opinion but I’ll say it anyway Porn is not normal, it’s not healthy, it’s destructive You’re 100% right in feeling the way you feel
You need a better man.
Jerking off is not the same thing as having sex
NTA. Your bf is addicted to porn; he won't admit it, of course. Also, "in the mood for something else" should be a blaring siren for you. He sees you/sex with you/women as an **item** on a menu. (Well, he wasn't feeling the lobster so he'll order the ravioli tonight.) Like any addiction, **you** can't fix him—**he** has to want to change. (How are you pathetic when he's the one giving up real sex for imaginary sex?) Don't let his addiction drag you down with him.
NTA Your bf would rather jerk off to porn than have sex with you sometimes. You don’t see the problem? This is not a good situation for you.
I personally think a blanket ban on masturbation in a relationship is wrong. Sex takes a lot of energy and effort. Sometimes, you just want to get off and be done with it without all the extra effort. That, in general, should be okay. That being said, your needs are not being met. And he is being oddly vocal about it like he is doing it to spite you or something. And especially that comment about your body and him wanting something different? That comment alone is grounds to terminate the relationship. So even though I think you are wrong for the blanket ban just cause you personally are "always dtf", I still say you are NTA for this particular overall situation.
Choosing porn over actual sex is wild
NTA - Been there, done that. If a man openly disrespects your body, it's never going to change.
OMG I'm seriously saddened that you think this is fixable. Move out, now
I would leave him. I watch porn So does my dude But yeah dude that part where he said he wasn’t in the mood for you right now is really not fucking ok!! I’m sorry you are having to go through that.
I just asked a dozen dudes in the room after rwading this put loud...ranging in ages from 28-57 they all agree dude is wack or gay because "no man with available twat chooses to jerk it in the bathroom" 🤷🏼♀️
You are both TA. Him - for the body comment. Like wtf?? You are YTA a little bit. Hear me out. Going solely off your post and no other knowledge, it sounds like you don’t want him jerking it at all but to choose you every time and honestly, I don’t get that opinion. Masturbation is normal and having a gf DTF doesn’t mean he can never do it again. Honestly, sometimes you just want to rub one out quick and call it a day. I don’t think that mindset is healthy that every time he wants to orgasm it can only be with you. Him taking care of himself doesn’t and shouldn’t mean it is an insult to you or his desire for you. That being said, there are some concerns that are totally legitimate. I would question if he has a porn addiction at this point. I can’t say 100% since we only know of these 3 instances but yea it’s weird he turned you down twice to slink off to bathroom. And the fact that he initiated that conversation in fight 3 seems like he is doing that on purpose, like he wants you to know he is doing it. Unless you are ready to call it on this relationship, a serious discussion is in order. One where you can constructive to each other without it becoming a fight.
You are NOT pathetic! He is! He has a beautiful and willing partner (which many a man would be very grateful for!) and he’s choosing fake scenarios and his hand. Gross.
Ask to watch him do it, make it weird. Fuck it Get kinky and bond
He’s not wanting to bond. He is addicted to the screen itself. It’s not about his partner at all
NTA, sounds like this relationship is pretty much over though. That stuff gets worse as time goes on. What did he mean, he wasn't feeling it, with you.
Time for you to find a new (sex?) partner.
Yeah. I have an ex who was having an affair with porn. When he's doing that, it's all about himself. He doesn't have to interact with you. He doesn't have to get you off. He gets to focus entirely on what he wants. And I have zero objections to porn. I'll watch it with my partner. I also have no objection to self gratification, provided it isn't a substitute for actual sex. Unless he views this as a problem and is willing to change, move on. It won't get better if he doesn't think it's a problem.
I am usually pro-porn, and anti "my partner can't watch porn bc it's cheating/I'm insecure/Jesus doesn't like it". But this situation is... not that. He is actively choosing porn over you. He is telling you, in no uncertain terms, that you aren't enough for him. And if you aren't enough now, with a great relationship and great sex life, where will you stand in 5 years? 10 years? I think people on here advise everyone to dump their partner over the stupidest shit, things that they would never leave someone they care about over. They make-believe escalate situations from the person missing their phone call into "he will never be there for your children". They misinterpret tiny mistakes as being akin to assault and battery. Your situation though? You may be the first person I've ever said this to, and the only time I've agreed with people jumping right to dump and run: You can't fix this. You can't work with this. You'll just feel worse and worse. 2nd best, 3rd choice, last resort. Your self-esteem will plummet. You'll question your sexual appeal, if your feelings are legitimate, and your worth. It's not the porn. It's the rejection. For someone/something that's not you. For something that you cannot be. It's the complete disregard for your feelings. It's knowing that you'll be hurt by this bc you've just had 2 big fights about it, and saying fuck it and fuck you, what I want matters the most. I could prattle on, but you get the point. This is a huge waste of your time. It will rule over your relationship, and you will start to shrink. Get out now. Before it takes years of therapy to fix what he is breaking.
NTAH - It comes down to a compatibility issue. You both have different expectations. I wouldn’t take his behaviors personal, maybe its the result of habit, maybe it just gets the job done the way he wants it to, who knows. Whats clear is that boundaries and expectations need to be set
NTA I Once dated a guy who had a problem with porno I didn’t realize it at first then it became obvious. We first broke off and got back together I found with a lot of porno tapes in his room and guess what he was doing to them. We briefly got back together but he tried to gaslight by saying he had blue balls and he would get a sex worker if we didn’t have sex. I dumped him and moved on. Your bf isn’t worth it that’s his problem Not yours to deal with. If he thinks he can find better then let him find better maybe a sex worker or two can help him out no pun intended. Just leave him guys like that are gross
So the assumption you guys have the same drive is inaccurate: you apparently enjoy it most with a human.
NTA. There are some real red flags there.
He's lazy. He wants the easiest way to nut without making the effort to get you off.
He’s got a porn addition. It’s one thing to watch porn when you don’t have the real thing. It’s quite another to reject your partner and throw it in their face He’s weird.
NTA What you're describing is a problem. Proceed further with caution (dump the AH).
He has a problem. NTA
NTA I’m a 58m and I’d take any kind of sex with my wife over watching porn, that’s crazy if you ask me .
NTA. Please get a new boyfriend. He is an idiot
Funny how you went from being 30 to 29, hell you taking to get younger? ESH
Dont procreate with this person. Use your brain. Its going to escalate inevitably
NTA. My wife has a wildly shifting sex drive, so sometimes it's most days of the week but other times it won't be for a week or more. She knows I need a release and would never be mad about me using porn. We even share some porn interests. But I've never done the things your bf has done. Sex with my wife trumps all other things unless I'm legit not in the mood...which is super rare.
NTA I totally get why this upsets you. Even if you didn’t mind the porn or him jerking off, he could include you. I’m of the thinking that watching porn and jerking off is for when you are not DTF. The comment about not feeling your body was mean. I get the sense that he is selfish. Things will only get worse if you don’t let him know this is a problem. If there is more to him than the selfish asshole you presented, then you need to let him know this is a problem. If he wants to salvage your relationship, he needs to make some serious changes. My ex treated me like that, it ruined my self-esteem. Don’t let that happen to you.
I think it’s gross to watch porn on the toilet like ewww that’s for piss & shit. Next time just be like wow you really like the smell huh you’re a poop smeller and it’s such a turn off. 🤣
I had the same problem with my boyfriend (now husband) when we first got together. The only difference is that my husband acknowledged my feelings when I told him how it made me feel. He told me that he would work on it and he did. Because he’s a real one who actually loves me and cares about how his actions affect me. There’s so much more to a partnership than the things you listed above. You deserve EVERYTHING your heart desires. Please don’t settle. Before I met my husband, I wasted 13 years of my life when I settled for a man child who didn’t truly care about my feelings. He swore he loved me and that he cared about me but he didn’t. Not really. I wish I would have known then what I know now. ETA: NTA
He needs porn more than he needs you. Pack up!
Sweetie you have a huge lighthouse blinking red at you. Why watch fake ass porn when you have the real thing? He will cheat and he is for sure addicted to porn. Leave him and save yourself years of suffering and thinking you are the problem. This will only hurt your self esteem because you might think it is you. HE is the issue!
Blowing off sex to go jerk off is absolutely insane! If I did that to my wife she would absolutely go insane. NTA at all. He either has a weird porn addiction that he can’t satisfy while having sex with you or he isn’t in to you. Either way it’s a flag!! You deserve all the sex you want with someone who wants to have it with you.
Text me im more than happy to replace your idiot boyfriend 😂
NTA Find someone that is ready to be with only one woman. My husband watches porn. Sometimes he does it daily, sometimes he won't for weeks. He would never tell me that he wasn't in the mood for my body, nor that he would pass on sex to jerk off because he wanted something different. Who says that to their partner, who even thinks that way about their mate? He has acted extremely callous & crass. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Move on now, before your lives are even more entangled. Never, ever settle. This would be a deal breaker for me. And yes, he very likely would benefit from some counseling with a sex therapist. But that's his responsibility. Don't settle for any guy that needs to be mothered and guided. You deserve a partner, not a grown dependant. Good luck! 🌹
NAH. Sleeping in the couch isn't an overreaction. You know what is? Immediately leaping to label this a porn addiction based on *three instances*. That's batshit insane. What else is going on in his life? How's his job? How's his family? His friends? He could just need some quick stress relief without any pressure to perform for anyone else. I'll just tell you that in my case, the times when I feel more stressed or less desirable are precisely the times when I'm more likely to avoid sex. The big sin here is the comment about your body, but is it possible that was just a miscommunication?
NTA, the hell is wrong with him?? You'd be dtf and he wants to jack off?? Smh
Nothing wrong with porn, but it’s done in addition to sexy time, not in place of. Also his comment was gross and manipulative. A red flag for narcissism. NTA at all but you should reevaluate the relationship.
I would have move out for that
Do I get it correctly : did he criticized your body to justify his lust for porn ???!!! Ewwww ! This is so disrespectful ! It's toxic AF ! He's belittling you : no wonder you felt angry and disgusted ! Leave him alone : this way he'll have all the privacy he needs to jerk off whenever he wants ! As for what his behaviour means, I'm not a man but if this behaviour is new and following some change (moving in with him, officializing your relationship or any "further step), he could be acting like an AH because he realized that he wasn't that much into it but he's too cowardly to break up and he's pushing you into it.
Sounds like he is addicted to porn. But, NTA. You need to get couples therapy and you need to insist that he work on this addiction. If he's not willing to then you need to decide if you can put up with it or not
I think you’re absolutely NTA. If you’re like there for your spouse, awake and eagerly awaiting some attention? (just for reference I divorced a drug addict/alcoholic at one point, and part of the problem was that she was asleep like 16+ hours a day; so not EXACTLY eager to participate in anything fun 🙄) That’s insulting if he would rather sneak off and JO to porno by himself. Christ, just watch it in bed with your partner, there’s like a 50-50 shot she’ll get into the spirit! And as the saying goes, “Fortune favors the bold” 😂😂😂
My opinion, dude just isn't into you enough.. you should get out before you waste any more time.. just definitely don't get preggo from this dude.
A year in your just starting to see the real him. Its really a shame how much damage porn is doing to men, relationships and society in general.
NTA. Your bf is feeding your insecurities. He's probably doing it on purpose so he can be more demanding later on. He's hoping you'll become desperate.
Honey my ex did that to me so much it caused me to find out I don’t just have depression, but PTSD (childhood trauma). When we started dating he was hot and heavy, but after a month he stopped having sex with me. Me weighing 155 and he weighing 350, me always offering to be on top. I would beg him for sex and he would reject me, then start watching porn and masturbating right in front of me not ten minutes later. He bought $800 and $1200 silicone sex dolls, too. I got so fucked up from the constant blatant rejection I started paying to talk to a therapist. Don’t let your bf ruin your self-esteem like that.
NTA. At the start I really thought this was going to be a case of women can't handle that men watch porn thing. But what you are describing is massively unhealthy. But devil's advocate. You are not entitled to sex. He doesn't have to have it with you. I don't know why he would choose his hand over a flesh and blood person, but he can if he wants to. Though he could be more discreet. Equally though, you have no obligation to be with someone who is treating you so poorly. Telling you he's not feeling your body is incredibly disrespectful. Set your boundaries and be firm with them.
Girl leave, his dick can’t be that good where you stick with him. It’s only been year 🤷🏽♀️.
He's addicted to porn. He needs to either stop watching it or behaviour like this will continue. If you want to stay with him you need to have a serious talk and outline a step process to stop him watching. Otherwise this behaviour and him choosing to watch porn over having sex with you will get worse.
If you still have hard feelings for him, get him some help. He's got a porn addiction or doesn't find you attractive anymore... Maybe both. The best course would be to sit him down and have a serious discussion about this cause this clearly can't go on. If he apologizes and vows to be mindful of your feelings and needs then enforce that. If he doesn't do that, or if you're just done, then it's time to break off and move on.
I'm very surprised at the comments here. Why is everyone blaming the BF for not wanting to have sex? I thought this sub was very big on the entire 'No means no' etc.
Wow is he being honest. Too honest. And you are not overreacting. Porn will do that. And he has a problem with porn when its affecting his desire for his hot and ready woman next to him. And to be so insensitive to let you know that he's choosing porn over you is so unkind. So either leave him or work to improve yourself and your relationship. Your choice. In new relationships like yours, often couples get comfortable with each other and let themselves go a little. They stay in bed together instead of working out to look their best like they did when they were trying to find a partner. Is that what has happened? I can't tell from your post. Has he also let himself go too? It can affect his desire. Please don't take this the wrong way. This honesty from him could mean many things. One would be that he was addicted to porn before he met you and he's hidden it until now. Two could be that both of you have become lazy and its showing. Three could be that just you have become lazy. Four could be that he's a mean mother fucker and wants to control you. Five could be that his confidence with you took a dip when you didn't get off and instead of just chalking it up to one of those things he took it personally and thought maybe he doesn't do it for you anymore and you're just being nice until you dump him. Its probably a combination of these. If you just demonize the porn, then you'll never know the problem. I think counseling is a great idea to get to the bottom of it. He may not think there's a problem. I knew a guy who would have sex with his girl and then go to his massage parlor to get a happy ending...in the same day. Which I thought was crazy, but men are all different. And now that you've been together for a year, and you're comfortable with each other your real selves are starting to be revealed. Watch his porn with him to see what he likes. It may not be that awful and/or it might reveal he's too kinky for you. Like I said don't demonize his porn. Some of us like it and are not addicted to it. Be open to his honesty. Tell him to be kinder to you when he's being 'honest'. And when he's cruelly honest like he was, make HIM take the couch, not you. Good Luck. You're at a pretty important juncture in your relationship at one year. What happens will determine if you stay together or not.