You can reject anybody for any reason. Don't feel guilty for that.
And, more, I despise a parent who don't put his child first, and feel her as a burden.
This!!!!! The first child is clearly unwanted, odds are due to unprotected sex, so having a second unwanted child will surely fix that.. 🙄 JEEBUS!!! What are these folks thinking?
But if I have child with man then he wont leave me and we'll make happy family yes, good plan nothing can go wrong with plan, he can be current childs dad too.
Jokes aside, you can reject a woman for whatever reason, but you probably should have been straight with her from an earlier point, like the second time she asked or something, if they cant take being let down easy then push them off the metaphorical cliff
Again, this!!!! I freaked at the “all in for unprotected sex” RED FLAG, but agree that OP could have been more proactive about the child issue. Maybe feelings would not have been so hurt.
>But if I have child with man then he wont leave me and we'll make happy family yes, good plan nothing can go wrong with plan, he can be current childs dad too.
I like that this is clearly her line of thinking despite the fact that it didn't go that way the first time.
I'm starting to have real concerns as to why OP would be in love with someone so fundamentally stupid.
It depends on their ages.
While they are small, it's really hard if you have more kids than you have hands to do simple tasks like cross the road. Or even grocery shopping if you need to have a double pram plus something for the 3rd child.
But if their age gaps is 3+ so they can walk themselves and listen instead of running away, then it's doable.
Some of the things she said about her own kid too, like Jesus... Child free or not I would never be able to look at her the same after that. You could have aborted or chose adoption if you genuinely didn't want that baby but now you turn around and blame her for not getting action in college?? Like wtf dude... Drunk or not that would stick with me.
That was the worst. Along with the "boarding school" comment
Accusing someone of misogyny just because he is child free and doesn't date single parents must be on the same level with the "you are a gay hater if you reject the advances of a gay" I would really want to know the thought process behind this. Or not
OP give to her friends a book about misogyny, give her a book about how pregrancy happens, and cut them off
Either she was so into the moment that she prioritised pleasure over protection, or she wants to baby trap you
I'm also child free. The very second I heard a parent insist that she'd send a kid to boarding school so she could hook up with me would be the last time I ever spoke to her.
This part annoyed me more than anything else (and there are many infuriating aspects to this situation). That kid didn't fucking ask to be born, her parents made that decision for her. Mina made that choice and is now blaming it on her daughter. I'm sure it was born of hurt and loneliness, but her levelling any resentment at the kid for existing is COOKED.
I know way too many kids whose parents fucked them up by prioritizing getting laid over their wellbeing. This kinda statement is an extreme red flag to me.
I wouldn’t be too hard on her just for saying it out loud, heaven knows it must have been so hard to have a child since 18 and no doubt, like OP, much harder to date seriously. She was probably a bit drunk, mentally exhausted and devastate by OP’s response so grasping at straws and mentally enjoying the idea of being child free for a moment. Doesn’t mean she would actually go through with it when sober and the moment had passed. Also credit to OP for not letting that idea sway him and take advantage of the friend and having the self control to stop things. Could have been even worse.
💀💀💀 girl and OP were drunk but still concious, as OP denied her advances, and she still remembers the rejection due to not contacting him during the next few days and giving dry answers. Her attitude was disgusting, and the way she talks about the child is just gross, let alone talking like that to other people about her CHILD.
Wild that people are calling him an AH for "leading her on".
He didn't. He turned her down each time. The only time he didn't was when he was drunk, and even then he stopped himself before the worst case scenario.
All he's done is friend zone her, and Reddit tells men who complain about getting friendzoned that they put themselves there and can leave whenever they want by leaving the friendship.
Well same shit applies when a woman is friend zoned.
also the fact that she's a single mom already and was going to hop into bed with another guy unprotected and possibly have another unwanted pregnancy. She hasn't learned her lesson assuming she doesn't have an IUD or something.
Stupid decision even if she had an IUD. They don't protect against STDs. Nobody should be having unprotected sex with someone they aren't sure is STD free
I hate to say it, but she very well could have wanted to baby-trap him. Thinking if she got pregnant, he would be forced to stay with her, as he's a nice guy and would want to do the "right" thing. This, in spite of his desire to not have kids.
OP was right to turn her down and walk away.
She probably just thinks he would make good daddy material. At this point, she is looking for a new father for her first kid. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Yeah he didn’t do anything wrong here.
People are allowed to kiss without it progressing to sex. Especially if they’re both intoxicated and without protection. But even if that wasn’t the case he can say no.
I understand Mina feels lonely and unable to find someone because of her kid. Sucks for her. Doesn’t make it OP’s responsibility.
If he cares for her, knowing they have feelings for each other I think the responsible thing would have been to put some distance there rather than go further down the rabbit hole
No it's not his "responsibility", but considering he's in love with her maybe he shouldn't have put himself into a situation with so much temptation. Avoiding hurting people you care about (he loves her as a friend and is now after the fact concerned for her well-being), and avoiding messy drama, as long as it does not negatively affect you in the process is usually a good thing.
> The only time he didn't was when he was drunk,
If the roles were reversed AITA would be calling for his head. Taking advantage of someone being drunk to push a boundary they've clearly stated multiple times previously they don't want to cross? Disgusting.
u/RangerDew7730
Literally this, do not let these women in the comments gaslight you into thinking you're this heartless asshole because you're absolutely not, bro. Rejection is rarely ever pretty, no matter how amicable it may be on one side.
You handled this pretty well, even when you were tipsy. The best thing you can do now is to apologize to your friend and tell her that you didn't mean to hurt her or make her feel embarrassed (I'm assuming you already did), give her space and time, and let her come back around on her own time when she's ready. If she chooses not to, then that is her choice and it is probably for the better. However, you DO NOT need to feel like you did something wrong just because you didn't continue to do the easy thing. In the meantime, allow yourself to feel how you feel, think about if there's anything you'd do differently next time, and own your emotions and process them accordingly.
Lastly, take this as a lesson learned on your part. Maybe avoid being friends with women who have children until your stance on being childfree changes, if it ever does, and it's okay if it doesn't. And don't be afraid to be honest sooner with your feelings to potentially avoid those unpleasant situations, even if the truth isn't easy or pretty. You are entitled to reject anyone for any reason.
Oh no, ofc not!
I can see how that came off wrong in my comment, and I definitely could have worded it differently in hindsight. More or less avoid the friendship if there are ever more than platonic feelings involved, not avoid them in general.
Yeah, "your not entitled to anything" goes out the window pretty quickly when a single mom is involved. Socially shaming men into paying for other men's kids...
It's absolutely batshit crazy to me that people see him as the bad guy. He gave her 100% honesty of how he was feeling and what he wanted all the time, and he treated her better than she was ready to treat herself, making responsible decisions in her best interest, too.
Reddit is so far removed from reality.
NTA. I'm 36 and childfree too. I wouldn't even give a single parent a second glance in a romantic/sexual aspect. I'll be friends with them, but that's as far as I'll go willingly.
It’s really frustrating, as a woman, how much we soak ourselves in double standard. This is a preference, and it’s a totally valid preference. I can’t imagine not wanting to have children, but that doesn’t mean that I should try to persuade or force other people to, think like me. I hate seeing stories like this where peoples preferences and boundaries aren’t respected. the man doesn’t want to date someone with kids because he doesn’t wanna be a father in any way shape or form. That is completely OK and shitting on people for it is really fucked up.
also its just selfish. its not in his best interest, its not in the childs best interest, him forcing himself to do that for her would only breed resentment.
her friends also need to sthu
Just going to say that I am a woman and childfree. I've been shamed for not wanting to date dads or moms - single parents or shared custody. I love kids, they're great! But I have never for a single moment wanted them to live in my house. And that is the end of it - I would never date someone who is a parent and who wouldn't want to raise their children - outside of baby trapping, I suppose, but even then I would have a hard time.
It's okay to not want kids. One of the ways you do that is to not date people who have kids (and certainly be as sexually responsible as you can, regardless). Does that suck for single parents? Sure. But it's far better for you to know that before you end up with a partner who dislikes/resents your children. Because your children should be that important to you so as not want to fuck them up.
I'll also say that I've been told so many times, "but you'd be a great mom!" No, no I wouldn't. I'd be a great aunt. I adore them and would have fun with them, but then I'd want to give them back to their parents and go home for a quiet night with my (differently demanding) dogs.
The biggest issue for me here is that Mina resents her child but wanted to roll the dice with OP and no protection. Maybe she's been sterilized, but I think that's unlikely. Part of me wonders if she's pregnant again, but that is cynical.
I really think that OP needs to step back from Mina, specifically, but also anyone in his friend group that is shaming him.
Willing to send her daughter to a boarding school because she ruined her life? 🤣😂🤣 There's obviously no foreseeable accountability issues in store for you there. 🙄
Assuming story is real, this is a HUUUUUUUUGE RED FLAG for OP.
Maybe that was just said out of half drunk frustration, but....... It definitely can't be easy being a single parent at that age, especially when making relationships.
Bottom line is that if you are not comfortable being a dad, DON'T.
100% NTA.
While as a child free person myself I agree that if you aren't comfortable having kids you shouldn't, the reason OP gives seems a bit misguided to me. It seems that he is worried that if he became a dad he wouldn't be a perfect dad who always says the right things. That's what being a parent is, you're not always going to say the right thing, kids aren't always going to interpret things the best. You don't have to be perfect to be a parent, most of it comes down to trying your hardest to be the best parent you can be. OP knows his situation better than I do so it could be deeper than what I got from it and if he thinks he shouldn't be a parent then that's enough for me to agree.
I'm just curious where the money for boarding school comes from. Are either of these two from super wealthy families? Does she expect op to pay for it? Does she have trust fund money to pay for it?
Private school is expensive enough, boarding school is excessively expensive.
Edit: corrected
Nta there's nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone with a kid. You are child free. It's ridiculous that they are trying to manipulate you I to thinking you are misogynistic because you won't date her.
No you weren't cruel to her you told her the truth and I get that she's sad about it but they all need to respect your preferences that you are childfree
She is not a nice person. She was willing to send her CHILD to a boarding school! Let me repeat that.... she would SEND HER CHILD AWAY to get herself a man.... also "shes ruined my life enough alread, i cant catch a break" shes blaming her xhild for HER choices. Her child didnt ask to be born!
Also so she didn't seem concerned about the lack of protection as well which is a red flag.... she resents her daughter and was willing to risk a pregnancy to snag you! Run dont walk.
Add to that she's now sent her flying monkeys to attack you because you have boundaries you won't cross. She's a real catch!
Nta. WTf is with these blaming you for "leading her on?" You've rejected her multiple times. She need to distance herself if she can't get the hint. Of course drunk your gonna fool around. Friends with benefits are a thing. Just distance yourself from her since she obviously can't control herself.
You fell in love with a single mother. Happens to the best of us.
You don't want to get the single mother pregnant. Good.
You rejected the single mother, because you didn't have protection on you. Good.
Verdict: NTA
I don't think the answer to this is telling people what they feel and don't feel. You can love someone romantically and still not want to be with them for any reason. Some people are self-aware enough to know that they are romantically attracted to someone who isn't good for them or vice versa.
The commenters voting YTA are fools.
Not dating a single mom is a perfectly valid preference especially since you're childfree. You didn't lead her on. You are not misogynistic.
Most Redditors tell guys who got friendzoned that they are not owed a relationship. That's true and it's also the same for women. You have every right to reject her and she is not owed a relationship.
NTA
NTA
>Some of her girl friends said that refusing to date a single mother just because of her kid is misogynistic.
Lol no. Being a single mother is not a natural property of being a woman, there are plenty of women in the dating market who aren't single mothers and never will be.
She made a choice to be a teen mom, that's on her and whoever might have pressured her into it, not on you. Judging b her behaviour on that party with the lack of contraception, she's about to repeat that mistake.
She’s a huge red flag . From wanting to have unprotected sex to the way she spoke about her daughter is foul . No wonder she’s still single . You’re NTA but you should give up on her
NTA AT ALL. Ppl cannot guilt you, if you used her feelings to sleep with her while secretly thinking you won’t commit to a single mother that is being a misogynist, you were being a gentleman. You are childfree by choice and nothing wrong in that. Would her friends prefer you date her for a while and then later dump her when differences crop up and become toxic!
NTA, but I seriously think you need to leave this young woman alone. Break ties. Sad, but true. It would be the best for her. She may be beating you to it and I hope that's the case.
So, before the drunk incident, he rejected her multiple times, and people keep saying he's the one leading her on? What else, men and women can't be friends because of this? 🙄
NTA - but any woman who would send her child to boarding school just to have a relationship definitely isn't a Good Person.
. You aren't wrong to hold to your own limits. You don't want to be a parent or a stepparent, so it would be wrong to date someone with a child. That decision is about YOU, don't let anyone make it about someone else.
You were lucky that you kept enough presence of mind not to "be taken advantage of" while drunk.
NTA. Thank you for not being sloppy and irresponsible and having sex just because you could have. Please treat this like a lesson. You are young and maybe you'll change your mind about kids, maybe not, but clearly at 25 you need to stick to people who are not thinking of kids right now either. It will save a lot of heartache and bad feelings for both parties.
I love you but not enough to be with you. I love you but not your kid. You should have just moved on. Why hurt her with something she can't change. Not wanting to date a single parent is fine. Be nice. You aren't ready anyway.
She pushed it. Taking someone into a room, removing her top and wanting to have unprotected sex - that is really out of control.
OP's best move probably would have been to simply remove himself from the situation. I was once in a situation where a woman came onto me, drunk. I was stone cold sober (since I'm boring that way, well, most other ways too) and told her, straight up, I won't have sex with someone who is drunk. That might have been his best solution, reserve any further discussion for when they're sober but when both of them are tipsy and emotions are running high, it's hard to fault him for not picking the smoothest solution.
I think we can give him credit for backing off, for knowing himself (he's not ready to be a father) and not wading into a morass. And I think we have to acknowledge that she's a mess - if what he says is accurate and she's ready to send her kid away to secure a boyfriend, her sense of priorities are really fucked up.
Acknowledging that it's only human to want a mate, AITA/AITAH proves every day that being single is far from the worst thing that can happen to you, for sure it would be a really bad idea for her to score a boyfriend who's not ready to help out with the kid, and it would be an excruciatingly terrible thing for her to toss her kid overboard to find someone who doesn't want a kid.
Absolutely NTA. There are plenty of good reasons to not date people with kids, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood, and God bless them for owning up to it. Personally, I stopped dating men with kids for several reasons. Breaking up was doubly hard because I was attached to the kid(s) and they were attached to me. Then there were the jealous exs who decided to insert themselves into the relationship. I have no time or patience for that kind of nonsense. And then there were the men who made little time for me because of the kids. And they should put their kids first. I'm not that girl who demands he spend all his time with me at the expense of his children. That's just unreasonable and selfish. Having said that, of course I want to be with someone who is able to make time for me.
I think these are all perfectly reasonable and valid preferences, and yet there were still people (mostly butt-hurt men who don't like being told no) who accused me of being a child hater. Oh! I also have adhd. It can be very difficult for neurodivergents to be around excessive noise and energy. I find it sends my anxiety into overdrive, and I'm not fun to be around when that happens.
Anyway...you seem like a good and decent guy. Don't listen to anyone who tries to spew that nonsense at you. I do feel it was a mistake on your part to have let things go as far as they did, but that's what comes with being young and human. You will make many more mistakes throughout the years. Always use them for the learning experience they are and you'll succeed in life. Best of luck to you. ✌🏻
NTA. Now you have plenty of reasons to reject her. First was your preference, Second was your finances, third was she was willing to sacrifice her daughter to be with you, that tells loads about your gf. In short she is only reaching out for you to make you her ATM. That also tells something of her "motherly instincts", which seems to be zero.
Fourth, to be stupid, irresponsible and batshit crazy is not a good combo. Fifth she does not respect you since she turned your friends against you. You were not wrong to have a preference, nor were you misogynistic. You were not cruel, you were just not blind enough to marry her.
If that does not prepare you enough to completely dump your gf and change your friends, you got yourself to blame for your blunder.
On the one hand, N T A for being childfree. That’s a personal choice and you’re entitled to make it. Not dating a woman with a child isn’t misogynistic and using that term is a guilt tactic.
On the other hand, YTA for not shutting it down from the get go with the explanation that you’re purposely childfree. Instead, you gave her the wishy washy “I’m not ready for a relationship” that resulted in false hope on her part. Then you got tipsy enough to get all touchy feely with her but fortunately not drunk enough to throw caution to the wind. But, “hey girl, once we’re sober and have protection, I’ll be happy to bang you for shits and giggles…as long as you understand it’s not going anywhere because..you know…kid.”
This is why her friends are calling you cruel and a dick. You essentially told this woman she’s good enough to bang but not relationship material because she has a child. Which might be why they’re calling you misogynistic. You handled this poorly from the start. Unfortunately for you, this is how this group is going to see you. Not much you’re going to be able to do to change that impression.
Not sure why he's an asshole for saying " I'm not ready for a relationship" when women say that all the time to men. I guess it's okay for women to say that and not men ?
This chick is a garbage mother. No wonder why she is a single parent. He did it all correct and even tok responsibility so she didnt get pregnant again.
**She has confessed me a few times that she likes me, and I have kindly rejected her saying that I wasn't ready for a relationship, but loved her as a friend.**
How exactly was he "leading her on"?
NTA I was a Mina, for five years, and I did appreciate the men who knew they didn’t want that for whatever reason. I felt life was too short for me to waste anyone’s time.
Lesson: Carry condoms. The multiverses where you did are much better.
You know you don't want to be a father, and that's a good reason not to get involved with Mina, but since you decided to play around with her you ended up hurting her more. You do have to take some responsibility for that.
Most seriously, you should get a vasectomy if you're sure. Condoms break.
NTA
You literally don’t need a reason to turn down sex or anything else romantic in nature.
‘No means no’ applies to all aspects of that part of life.
To save yourself future headaches, don’t give them a reason. “I need you to respect my no.”
100% NTA
You don’t need to date anybody just to prove you’re a good person.
Look I think you need to take a step back from That friendship. The kissing and all that can’t happen again. You can’t offer sex and expect her to not try to turn it into something serious. Shes trying to make it serious already (she wanted to have sex unprotected are your alarm bells not ringing LOUD?) She’s clearly very immature, and she won’t be able to handle something informal with you. You can’t give her what she wants and even if you’d end up together you would resent her, or worse both of you would resent her daughter. This woman needs to grow up and put her daughter first, and you need to take a look at what’s happening. You don’t like this woman you like the idea of her and what she’d be if she weren’t a mother. But she’s a mother so that’s it.
I have trouble believing this really happened. There was a recent story with a nearly identical title. "AITA for Telling a Girl I Won't Date Her Because She's A Single Mother". [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dlawhp/aita\_for\_telling\_a\_girl\_i\_wont\_date\_her\_because/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dlawhp/aita_for_telling_a_girl_i_wont_date_her_because/)
While the details are different, the gist is the same.
That being said, *if it is true*, NTA. I would have said NAH, but she was trying to insist on you two doing it raw and trying to pressure you into it. That's scummy behavior. Coerced consent is not consent. Emotional manipulation, which she was engaging in, *is* abusive. Consent gained via emotional manipulation is coerced consent, and not valid consent.
Waiting until you have protection would have been the smart, responsible thing to do **even if you wanted to date her**. Her behavior, and the behavior of those who are berating you, is unacceptable. If one of them tries to give you grief about it, simply inform them they are welcome to take their opinions and shove them up their ass. If they persist, inform them you'll be cutting them off because you will not tolerate their abusive behavior, and the world would be a better place if they were to kindly remove themselves from it because we don't need more abusers in this world.
Mother of 2 here (both very much wanted).
NTA. You rejected her several times before this. The only difference this time was you both got drunk. We never make good decisions by being drunk (which is why she tried to have unprotected sex with you. Yeesh!), so no one should fault you for how you handled things this time around. I will say I'm quite proud of you for stopping things before it went too far. And I'm glad you were upfront on why you don't want to date her. There's nothing wrong with not feeling qualified to be a parent, and there's nothing wrong with refusing to date someone with a kid because you wish to be childless. I can see if people want to get upset because you don't want to raise a kid that's not your own (that's a very touchy subject), but you wish to be child-free. It would make no sense to date someone who has a child.
I am very concerned about the things she said regarding her daughter. If you can, please reach out to her friends or her parents and tell them the things she was saying, and tell them you're worried about her mental health and the safety of her kid. If they truly give a shit about her, they'll check in on her and offer some sort of support.
Bruh... NTA son. Your life your choice.
Better start looking for other friends as well. They're trying to downplay your own valid feelings just because you arent into of that stuff.
Nah uh...hand on my heart, the line she said "You're just like everyone else" will instantly ick me.
Like wtf were you supposed to do? Lie to her just for her sake?
Nah uh.. She sounds like she's trying to find a future daddy for her kid by guilt tripping you.
DON'T BE GUILTED INTO A BABY TRAP!! Plain and simple Bruh, she's looking for a White Knight to come in and rescue her from her shitty life choices. Did she tell you where the stud who knockd her up is? Does HE even know he has a daughter and what happens when YOU put in the time, effort, love and the kid turns around and falls all over her "REAL" Dad. There have been so many heartbreaking stories of ungratful wives and step children using the guy all his life as a pay check but still falling all over the stud that did the deed. Don't be a chump. Move on and take note of who your real friends are as opposed to those who think yOU need to bail this strong, independant womna out of her shit show of a life.
I'm going against the grain here.
YTA.
YTA because you can't make up your god damn mind.
You tell us you're "in love" with her. I'm thinking that you are giving her signals.
You heavily made out with her and you were going to smash.
Then, you told her you couldn't be with her because she has a kid.
You need to either commit or go no contact.
Don't half ass this thing because she's a single mom and has no time for this bullshit.
You are toying with a woman's heart and that sucks.
Be a man and make a decision and then stick with it.
Man I feel bad for that kid. You’re NTA for not wanting to be put in a step dad role. That’s actually ok. She’s TA for saying her kid ruined her life and that she would send her kid away. What a shitty mom.
NTA
She needs real help or her daughter is going to be abused and neglected by the sound of her drunken hatred for the child
I’m honestly worried for how she spoke about her child. She blamed her child for everything. A child does not choose to be born. A child does not choose to have a teenage mother (by calcs 17-18).
>She ruined my life enough and I can't catch a break".
So this woman bought a child into this world and she blames the 5 year old for her misery... horrible woman. Nta
Run away
NTA
When I ended up a single mother, I was glad I didn't have to deal with my ex anymore. I didn't date. I was too busy with my baby/toddler, going to school, then working, and just enjoying the whole mom experience.
One of the reasons I chose not to date was because I didn't want to be one of those moms with a revolving door to the bedroom. I didn't want to have anyone I didn't know well to have access to my home, but mostly I didn't want them to have access to my child. Plus, once you're abandoned by the father of your child, you become extremely cautious when it comes to matters of the heart.
Oddly enough, a man I'd known for years (we were friends, dated, friends, dated, friends, roommates/friends without benefits, friends but no longer roommates, and then intermittently fwb), had been going through a rough patch. We were talking on the phone fairly regularly and we hung out a bit when my daughter and I flew back home for Christmas. Oddly enough, this man had actually held my daughter before her biological father did (he wanted DNA testing to prove she was his, to which I said you betcha!). Fast forward about a year and he comes to visit. He needed to get away for a few days. When my daughter and met him at the airport, my breath kind of caught and I realized I loved him, that he was *home* to me. Talking with him later that night, he told me when he saw us there waiting for him, he had to take a moment to collect himself because he felt this overwhelming rush of love and comfort and a sense that he was finally home. When I told him the same happened to me, we just...knew.
So, two years after my daughter was conceived, I was intensely glad I hadn't dated or slept with anyone because of all the reasons above, but also because...it felt right to not have been with anyone else between her conception and deciding to be with the man I eventually married.
But that's me. Maybe if I'd been back home I would have done things differently because I'd have had family to watch the baby while I went out on occasion. I don't know. I just know I never felt like my daughter was a burden or obstacle to my happiness. In fact, it was the exact opposite. My daughter was my favorite person, my light, my first real true love (I never knew what people meant by that until my daughter came along), my motivation to finish school, etc. Because of her, I was a better person and I could better express myself through a truer love.
I feel for women who aren't happy becoming a mom. They're more concerned about their own happiness than their child's. Or maybe they're lonely, feeling unattractive or unlovable or invisible. Whatever it is, it's not the baby's fault. Baby had nothing to do with mom's and dad's decision to make them and go ahead with the pregnancy. That's all on the adults.
So, OP, while you're NTA for wanting to be child-free, you were TA for getting attached to a single mom and letting it go as far as it did. In the future, don't begin any kind of a relationship - casual or otherwise - with a single mom. It's not right. Be friends with them, but don't date them.
As for the single mom, being lonely is normal. But never say you'd give up your kid for a man. Even if you don't really mean it...that's like inviting trouble. Ptoo ptoo ptoo! (Superstitious and all).
It's not your fault for not wanting to be a father. You were honest with Mina and explained your reasons. You're not the a\*\*hole for prioritizing your own life choices.
>"She ruined my life enough and I can't catch a break".
This............. is horrifying!! She's blaming the kid!!! Because of her own choices!! The innocent child who didn't just up and jumped into her womb on her own volition!!!
Like, wtf?!
Naw, man, swerve her forever, this is not someone you wanna be friends with!
After some stuff I read on here I'd be paranoid about drinking with her, too.
NTA
The fact she wanted to do it raw is a huge red flag. Seems like she didn't lean anything from the past. At least you were aware enough about the possible consequences.
Her friends are also way out of line for harasssing you. This sounds like an overall toxic mess.
Honestly I would just count my lucky stars I didn't falter to having unprotected sex, possibly ending in a pregnancy, and move on from this friendship.
NTA
You enforced your personal boundaries and said no to unprotected sex. I can't fathom how people can make you out to be a bad guy, but I guess some people just engage in benevolent sexism.
I’m sorry but all of the YTAs in the comments is insane. You made the right choice in the moment. Don’t listen to these other assholes. You did not lead her on. You put a stop to it and even told her exactly how you feel about her, children, and her daughter. You did the responsible thing here. If you would have slept with her and then told her how you felt then the situation would be completely different but you didn’t. People see a crying woman in that situation and automatically think it’s your fault. No it wasn’t. Fuck them if they don’t believe you or listen to both sides.
That girl is an absolute trainwreck. Without a second thought she is willing to engage in the same behaviors that guy her in the range kind of situation that she apparently hates so much. This girl will keep making shitty decisions in whatever she does
You basically need to cut her off. You're doing the right thing not getting involved with a single mom if you don't want kids. Far too many people date parents and then end up being horrible stepparents because they resent the child.
Unfortunately for her child. The mom kinda sucks. Acting like it was her choice to be born...the child is innocent and she's blaming her. So shitty. You don't want to be involved with someone like that either.
Sounds like the biggest problem is that you avoided being honest with her when you should have been much sooner.
The second biggest problem is that all of this finally came out when you were both drunk and stupid, and she was incredibly vulnerable.
NTA good on u for maintaining ur boundaries cause children end up w bad step parents cause they cant even comprehend their own boundaries. but i am very concerned she wants to send the kid to boarding school and said she ruined her life?? girl what
NTA for not wanting to date a single mother. HOWEVER, folks are reading waaaaay too much into her comments imo. She said some dumb shit because she was drunk, emotionally overwhelmed from getting rejected by a guy she obviously has a lot of feelings for and just being physically/emotionally drained by having to raise a young child on her own.
I come from a broken family myself and i know what it means when parents say some bad shit about their child/parenthood. This was 100% just her being overwhelmed and nothing more.
Nta. Some people do not want children, or don't want to risk getting attached to a kid that isn't theirs legally and thrn losing that child when dad comes back a decade later.
Being dad to a kid of another man isn't something to take lightly. It can be heartbreaking for the "dad" if it goes wrong at all.
That being said... if u love her. Which u say u do.... how do u let someone go for something out of their control?
Stop calling her and tell your friends that say you are wrong for not wanting a relationship with her, they are more than welcome to step up and raise her child.
NTA. That she wanted to do it without protection (trap you with another pregnancy?) and basically said she hated her daughter I’d RUN FAR AWAY FROM HER.
Nta. I’d say NAH, but will say that she might be the asshole for putting blame on her kid that belongs more closely to her (kid didn’t choose to be alive; it’s not fair to put *ruining your life* on a child that didn’t choose to be here) and for offering to send them to boarding school for your convenience. Like, actually wtf. I don’t blame her for being frustrated, but I worry about how she might be treating her daughter if she can say these things so easily, even when drunk.
I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, but don’t be shocked that she isn’t responding enthusiastically to you at this point.
I’m not saying with certainty that this is the case, but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want **any** kind of relationship with you at this point. Even if you didn’t do anything wrong, emotions can be fickle, she can’t change the fact that she is a mom so it might be hard for her to see you since she does have feelings for you.
You’re not a jerk for having boundaries and being responsible in your intimacy choices. You need to distance yourself from her. Being friends with someone you have deeper feelings for, but don’t want to take deeper, is unfair to both of you. Other people’s opinions on misogyny are not important. It’s misandric to force a man to be in a relationship with children that he is not interested in. It’s foolish all the way around. Best thing for both of you is distance
nta. They are trying to guilt trip u. Stand by your convictions. She is trying to guilt trip u also. On the other hand u should not waste her time either if u dont want kids either. Frankly break it off
Absolutely NTA. She's TAH doe, the way she speaks about her kid is disgusting, not to mention trying to have unprotected sex and getting mad at you cuz you said NO, the nerves. Good on you for standing up for yourself, now you need a new group friends and dump all of those that judged you and took her side.
NTA
Not wanting a kid is a pretty solid reason not to date somebody who has a kid. It is about as good a reason I have ever heard for anyone not to date anyone.
Her friends calling you misogynistic are not worth wasting a second on. That's just offensive.
Nta. And the fact she wants to send her daughter off is a red flag. I could never be with anyone that would send thier child off to be with someone.
Yall are not compatible and you are never an AH for knowing it. Plus she wanted to have unprotected sex. While she already has a daughter that she feels ruined her life.
Her ruined life is not your responsibility. Her and others trying to guilt you in to being with her are the assholes. She might be a super AH for trying to baby trap you as well.
You're actually a good man for not taking advantage of her feelings that night. NTA
Realistically neither of you are ready for long term commitment. She needs to put her child first for the next 10-15 years. You need to work on your own development.
Yes have friends and responsible sex. Be good to each other and other people but I think you need extra points for being realistic.
You weren’t cruel to her just being realistic. If possible you could have a difficult but productive conversation at some stage.
Essentially you were not rejecting her but trying to navigate a tricky situation it revealed her worst characteristics but that alone should not determine what you do next. It might help to explain your feelings when you can but if she shuts down then you will just have to move on.
These same people would be calling you heartless and a dick if you lead her on and dumped her later. And they don't have an issue with her saying the things she did about her daughter? Good grief.
NTA.
I doubt you’ll see this and it just get buried, but definitely NTA. I’m in a similar position. No kids and single. One of my lady friends that had a kid stated that I don’t have to be a father or anything as long as I am kind to their child. That was all she asked. As we all age, it’s harder to find people without kids. Hopefully anyone that thinks you’re an asshole will realize it is they who are the assholes.
I can see both sides and it's tragic but NTA. You have a right not to want kids, and even if you wanted them it's a bit much to ask from a 25yo in this situation. She's frustrated and pissed off and that's only normal, too. She may have said some regrettable things but she has a right to her anger and frustration, she's so young and yet made such a definitive decision when she decided to have her kid. I'm only hoping she doesn't mean what she said but even if she did... She was a kid when she got the kid. I don't want to judge. I'm not a parent and could never be.
NTA. You want to remain childfree--it is important to you. Sorry Mina, but she doesn't fit your criteria. Your friends are being aholes to think you shouldn't take your own life into consideration in order to appease Mina. BS on them. They think that YOUR needs and wants are less than Mina's? Come on. Those aren't friends!
NTA. I like kids a lot. I've wanted to be a father and start a family since I learned that people could make other people. I've dated single moms before and I'm great with kids. I'd still be looking at a relationship with a single mother through a different lens then I'd be looking at a relationship with a childless woman because they are very different experiences (as well they should be).
You already know that you intend to be child-free and are not good with kids. That's enough of a reason to not pursue a relationship. Because you're not compatible and a child should grow up with a father figure that actually wants to be around them and teach them stuff and guide them trough life. It would be a disservice to the child for you to pursue a relationship with her mother rather then allow her to find someone who want's to be that guy for them.
You did the right thing
NTA, but leave her alone. She loves you, you love her, and this is just painful. You need to move on and she needs to move on. You have a right to be child-free and she needs to realize that she can't make a decent connection with someone determined to be child-free because her life does not fit that box.
NAH.
You’re not the arsehole for not wanting kids. That perfectly valid, and could wind up bad for the kid.
But to a parent our kids are our lives, being rejected for them hurts. And they definitely affect what we can and can’t do, there are a lot of things off the table when you have a kid, and especially while drunk it’s not uncommon to be frustrated by that. So she’s not the arsehole for that.
You’re both in a terrible position, but it’s nobodies fault. Give her some time and you might be able to repair the friendship.
NTA, because as another poster said, "You can reject anybody for any reason". But, you likely need to break it off with Mina. It's not going to work between you, because you have completely different relationship goals, and continuing to be entangled with her is just going to bring you both pain.
NTA. I’m 32 and childfree. Not everyone wants kids in their lives & honestly I would immediately think less of a parent who says some shit like “I can send them to boarding school”.
NTA. I raised kids alone - and never once blamed a guy if he didn't want to be involved with me because of that. I respected it to be honest. Raising children is a lot of responsibility, and even if they are your partner's it will always be a factor in your life. In fact, for me the red flag was if I mentioned having children and it didn't make a guy who was hitting on me at least pause. I viewed as very likely they didn't care because they weren't interested in long term. That may not have always been true, of course, but it was my thoughts on most of them.
Whether you're being an asshole to yourself for choosing not to be with someone you love over that is not the question on the table - and even if it were you do have that right.
As to her "ruined my life enough" comment, that makes me sad. That's a horrible way to feel about your own child. I can't imagine that.
You're entitled to your reasons. But ita beat to jist leave her alone from here. She wants something from you you can't give her. You're only going to hurt her more.
NTA at all. I’m all for feminism and this is not misogynistic at all. You have a very reasonable boundary and tbh the fact that she said she wants to send her kid away just to be able to date is fucked. I think you should distance yourself from her.
for me is actually good that you rejected the sex with a drunk person, is good that you were honest and also is good that you have the awareness to know that you are not fit to be a present figure on a child life
I can empathize with her to a degree, being a single parent is hard and trying to find a partner is even harder for her, but that's not an excuse to said she ruined her life and she would send her away, the child is innocent in all this
for me NTA and I think she needs to adress how she talked about her daughter, like I said I can empathize with her loneliness and she probably has some issue about being this young of a mother, (even more so because we don't know how the child was conceived), I think even with feelings involved, you're not compatible in this stage of life
NTA. You have to do whats right for you. You've made no commitment to this woman or her child. It's a shitty situation but sounds like you've got a really clear head on your shoulders. Don't lose it.
NTA. She was ready to have unprotected sex with you to risk getting pregnant again. Did she not learn her lesson from five years ago? You need to stay away from her because next time you may not be able to stop and you will get baby trapped.
You shouldn’t have continued to spend time with her after she confessed her feelings.
You knew you didn’t want a relationship with her but didn’t tell her why and continued to string her along by spending lots of time with her.
You are NTA for having a preference for not wanting kids and telling her that, but.....You should not have started anything with her at all, and for that, yes, YTA. Sounds like she has some of her own issues she needs to deal with, and it definitely didn't help you playing with hers. ffs.
You don't want kids and that's completely fine. However you shouldn't be leading anyone on. She was pushing and that's not ok. You don't want kids ever, get a vasectomy, don't have sex with moms or any woman not using protection and stay away from her. You're straddling a fence with her. Stop saying you love her, you don't and that's ok but she needs to move on.
NTA, you know what you want in life and it's valid. I would've said n a h but Mina saying that stuff about how she'd send her 5 YEAR OLD CHILD to boarding school, that "she ruined my life", like, ew. Red flag imo, how could she say that about a child she chose to have? Mina needs a reality check that having a kid means some people may not want to date her because of the responsibility and that's okay.
NTA.
I, personally, was raised three dads. My father who passed away, and my two stepfathers. I see the importance of a male role model and the impact that a positive male figure had in my life. I've never shied away from women with children. But that's my journey. You are allowed to understand your limitations, you are not ready for children yet. You may be in the future, you may not. It is for you to decide, not for anyone to decide for you. You were honest, and she was pressuring you. You did the best under the circumstances. There is nothing to be ashamed of in your choice of words given the situation. It sounds like she has a lot of internalized feelings about her situation. She needs to work those out first.
>I don't have the economic stability, the space, the patience, or maturity to raise a child.
Honestly, the fact that you can admit this and it gives you pause from not just jumping into the sack with this woman, but starting a relationship with her, means that you've got a good head on your shoulders.
I don't think you were being cruel at all - you tried to subtly reject her multiple times and she kept pushing the issue. If the genders were reversed here, this comment section would be flooded with people calling Mina a stalker and a creep and an abuser. It's unfortunate that so many people are blind to the same behaviors when they are done by the females of the species. Oh well, WAW syndrome in full effect I guess.
NTA. Becoming a parent, which includes being a stepparent, when you don't want kids is a pretty horrible thing to do to a kid. You are making the kindest choice for that child to not get involved with Mina, and you have a lot more brains than Mina does by stopping things and not having sex because you didn't have any condoms. Not just for contraceptive reasons, but because it's foolish to have unprotected sex with someone when you don't know if they've been tested for STD's. Last, I would have zero respect for someone who blames their kid for "ruining their life." Someone who would just up and send their kid to boarding school just so they didn't have to be a parent and could go do whatever is someone I have zero respect for. You may have feelings for her, but she honestly isn't that great of a person. If you two end up dating one another, that sounds like a great way for the kid to have not one but two people who don't want her around and that's not fair to her.
NTA,
But listen to what she said about her child. Deep inside she isn't a good mother, not even a good person.
Drunken words are sober thoughts, you know?
Nowadays there are a fucking ton of ways out, even with an unwanted pregnancy. You don't need to keep a child you don't want.
This with the fact she was willing to risk another unwanted pregnancy just because she was horny is screaming "run as fast as you can".
I think she would babytrap you to lock you down and then complain and cry because she never wanted a second one and leave you with both kids
You're grown up enough to say you don't want to be a dad and not willing to do anything that will risk your future - now go the rest of the way and keep your hands and lips off of her. At best, you're sending her mixed signals.
Don’t feel guilty for having a preference you don’t owe her anything. She kept nagging for an explanation then got upset over your answer it’s her fault.
U can reject a person for any reason. And not wanting to be a step dad is a very good one. U didn't judge her but she has to realize not everyone is going to sign uo for that responsibility. U aren't the asshole. Your so called friends are for saying what they did. I really think u need to distance yourself from them and her tbh
You can reject anybody for any reason. Don't feel guilty for that. And, more, I despise a parent who don't put his child first, and feel her as a burden.
And she tried to have unprotected sex with him so she could have another child she doesn't want.
This!!!!! The first child is clearly unwanted, odds are due to unprotected sex, so having a second unwanted child will surely fix that.. 🙄 JEEBUS!!! What are these folks thinking?
But if I have child with man then he wont leave me and we'll make happy family yes, good plan nothing can go wrong with plan, he can be current childs dad too. Jokes aside, you can reject a woman for whatever reason, but you probably should have been straight with her from an earlier point, like the second time she asked or something, if they cant take being let down easy then push them off the metaphorical cliff
Again, this!!!! I freaked at the “all in for unprotected sex” RED FLAG, but agree that OP could have been more proactive about the child issue. Maybe feelings would not have been so hurt.
>But if I have child with man then he wont leave me and we'll make happy family yes, good plan nothing can go wrong with plan, he can be current childs dad too. I like that this is clearly her line of thinking despite the fact that it didn't go that way the first time. I'm starting to have real concerns as to why OP would be in love with someone so fundamentally stupid.
He isn't in love with her. He wants to fuck her. There's a difference, even if he doesn't see it.
Also, they’re not really friends, he just friendzoned her and keeps her around for i don’t know what reason
A second kid cancels the first out, right? Like two negatives making a positive?
They can play together and you don’t even need a babysitter.
Honestly, it does make for less work for mom. Two kids is ideal - and if you're going for three you're better off with four.
It depends on their ages. While they are small, it's really hard if you have more kids than you have hands to do simple tasks like cross the road. Or even grocery shopping if you need to have a double pram plus something for the 3rd child. But if their age gaps is 3+ so they can walk themselves and listen instead of running away, then it's doable.
Baby trapping is a time honored tradition
Some of the things she said about her own kid too, like Jesus... Child free or not I would never be able to look at her the same after that. You could have aborted or chose adoption if you genuinely didn't want that baby but now you turn around and blame her for not getting action in college?? Like wtf dude... Drunk or not that would stick with me.
And then acted like she didn't want her daughter to exist! Goodness gracious what.
That was the worst. Along with the "boarding school" comment Accusing someone of misogyny just because he is child free and doesn't date single parents must be on the same level with the "you are a gay hater if you reject the advances of a gay" I would really want to know the thought process behind this. Or not OP give to her friends a book about misogyny, give her a book about how pregrancy happens, and cut them off Either she was so into the moment that she prioritised pleasure over protection, or she wants to baby trap you
I'm also child free. The very second I heard a parent insist that she'd send a kid to boarding school so she could hook up with me would be the last time I ever spoke to her.
Surely. Shitty people.
This bothers me.
Totally agree with this!!!!!!
Are people ignoring the fact that this grown ass woman told op she would send her child to BOARDING SCHOOL if it meant op would date her? Lmfao
Send a kid to boarding school???? WTF. At age five? Is this a regency romance? Who the hell has $120,000 a year for fucking boarding school?
No one claiming their kid ruined their life has that kinda cash.
Yeah, if she was that rich she'd already have a nanny or some shit.
This part annoyed me more than anything else (and there are many infuriating aspects to this situation). That kid didn't fucking ask to be born, her parents made that decision for her. Mina made that choice and is now blaming it on her daughter. I'm sure it was born of hurt and loneliness, but her levelling any resentment at the kid for existing is COOKED.
You speak the truth sir.
Yeah I didn’t buy that one either
I know way too many kids whose parents fucked them up by prioritizing getting laid over their wellbeing. This kinda statement is an extreme red flag to me.
I wouldn’t be too hard on her just for saying it out loud, heaven knows it must have been so hard to have a child since 18 and no doubt, like OP, much harder to date seriously. She was probably a bit drunk, mentally exhausted and devastate by OP’s response so grasping at straws and mentally enjoying the idea of being child free for a moment. Doesn’t mean she would actually go through with it when sober and the moment had passed. Also credit to OP for not letting that idea sway him and take advantage of the friend and having the self control to stop things. Could have been even worse.
💀💀💀 girl and OP were drunk but still concious, as OP denied her advances, and she still remembers the rejection due to not contacting him during the next few days and giving dry answers. Her attitude was disgusting, and the way she talks about the child is just gross, let alone talking like that to other people about her CHILD.
Quite the post for Cake Day. Happy Cake Day!
All this understanding when a women is involved. I just wish people had this grace otherwise
Wild that people are calling him an AH for "leading her on". He didn't. He turned her down each time. The only time he didn't was when he was drunk, and even then he stopped himself before the worst case scenario. All he's done is friend zone her, and Reddit tells men who complain about getting friendzoned that they put themselves there and can leave whenever they want by leaving the friendship. Well same shit applies when a woman is friend zoned.
also the fact that she's a single mom already and was going to hop into bed with another guy unprotected and possibly have another unwanted pregnancy. She hasn't learned her lesson assuming she doesn't have an IUD or something.
Stupid decision even if she had an IUD. They don't protect against STDs. Nobody should be having unprotected sex with someone they aren't sure is STD free
Also a very good point.
I hate to say it, but she very well could have wanted to baby-trap him. Thinking if she got pregnant, he would be forced to stay with her, as he's a nice guy and would want to do the "right" thing. This, in spite of his desire to not have kids. OP was right to turn her down and walk away.
More like an incurable STD the gift that keeps on giving. OP needs to distance himself, she’s a baby trapper, just not good at it
She probably just thinks he would make good daddy material. At this point, she is looking for a new father for her first kid. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Consequences for her actions?? That doesn't exist!!!
100% if OP had had protection, she would have tried telling him, "Oh, you don't need that."
Yeah he didn’t do anything wrong here. People are allowed to kiss without it progressing to sex. Especially if they’re both intoxicated and without protection. But even if that wasn’t the case he can say no. I understand Mina feels lonely and unable to find someone because of her kid. Sucks for her. Doesn’t make it OP’s responsibility.
If he cares for her, knowing they have feelings for each other I think the responsible thing would have been to put some distance there rather than go further down the rabbit hole No it's not his "responsibility", but considering he's in love with her maybe he shouldn't have put himself into a situation with so much temptation. Avoiding hurting people you care about (he loves her as a friend and is now after the fact concerned for her well-being), and avoiding messy drama, as long as it does not negatively affect you in the process is usually a good thing.
> The only time he didn't was when he was drunk, If the roles were reversed AITA would be calling for his head. Taking advantage of someone being drunk to push a boundary they've clearly stated multiple times previously they don't want to cross? Disgusting.
u/RangerDew7730 Literally this, do not let these women in the comments gaslight you into thinking you're this heartless asshole because you're absolutely not, bro. Rejection is rarely ever pretty, no matter how amicable it may be on one side. You handled this pretty well, even when you were tipsy. The best thing you can do now is to apologize to your friend and tell her that you didn't mean to hurt her or make her feel embarrassed (I'm assuming you already did), give her space and time, and let her come back around on her own time when she's ready. If she chooses not to, then that is her choice and it is probably for the better. However, you DO NOT need to feel like you did something wrong just because you didn't continue to do the easy thing. In the meantime, allow yourself to feel how you feel, think about if there's anything you'd do differently next time, and own your emotions and process them accordingly. Lastly, take this as a lesson learned on your part. Maybe avoid being friends with women who have children until your stance on being childfree changes, if it ever does, and it's okay if it doesn't. And don't be afraid to be honest sooner with your feelings to potentially avoid those unpleasant situations, even if the truth isn't easy or pretty. You are entitled to reject anyone for any reason.
There is nothing wrong at all with being friends with women who have children. Not all of them are gonna wanna make you their next conquest.
Oh no, ofc not! I can see how that came off wrong in my comment, and I definitely could have worded it differently in hindsight. More or less avoid the friendship if there are ever more than platonic feelings involved, not avoid them in general.
Yeah, "your not entitled to anything" goes out the window pretty quickly when a single mom is involved. Socially shaming men into paying for other men's kids...
You right!
It's absolutely batshit crazy to me that people see him as the bad guy. He gave her 100% honesty of how he was feeling and what he wanted all the time, and he treated her better than she was ready to treat herself, making responsible decisions in her best interest, too. Reddit is so far removed from reality.
NTA. I'm 36 and childfree too. I wouldn't even give a single parent a second glance in a romantic/sexual aspect. I'll be friends with them, but that's as far as I'll go willingly.
Same. I have zero interest in raising any child.
It’s really frustrating, as a woman, how much we soak ourselves in double standard. This is a preference, and it’s a totally valid preference. I can’t imagine not wanting to have children, but that doesn’t mean that I should try to persuade or force other people to, think like me. I hate seeing stories like this where peoples preferences and boundaries aren’t respected. the man doesn’t want to date someone with kids because he doesn’t wanna be a father in any way shape or form. That is completely OK and shitting on people for it is really fucked up.
also its just selfish. its not in his best interest, its not in the childs best interest, him forcing himself to do that for her would only breed resentment. her friends also need to sthu
Just going to say that I am a woman and childfree. I've been shamed for not wanting to date dads or moms - single parents or shared custody. I love kids, they're great! But I have never for a single moment wanted them to live in my house. And that is the end of it - I would never date someone who is a parent and who wouldn't want to raise their children - outside of baby trapping, I suppose, but even then I would have a hard time. It's okay to not want kids. One of the ways you do that is to not date people who have kids (and certainly be as sexually responsible as you can, regardless). Does that suck for single parents? Sure. But it's far better for you to know that before you end up with a partner who dislikes/resents your children. Because your children should be that important to you so as not want to fuck them up. I'll also say that I've been told so many times, "but you'd be a great mom!" No, no I wouldn't. I'd be a great aunt. I adore them and would have fun with them, but then I'd want to give them back to their parents and go home for a quiet night with my (differently demanding) dogs. The biggest issue for me here is that Mina resents her child but wanted to roll the dice with OP and no protection. Maybe she's been sterilized, but I think that's unlikely. Part of me wonders if she's pregnant again, but that is cynical. I really think that OP needs to step back from Mina, specifically, but also anyone in his friend group that is shaming him.
That poor kid
Willing to send her daughter to a boarding school because she ruined her life? 🤣😂🤣 There's obviously no foreseeable accountability issues in store for you there. 🙄
Assuming story is real, this is a HUUUUUUUUGE RED FLAG for OP. Maybe that was just said out of half drunk frustration, but....... It definitely can't be easy being a single parent at that age, especially when making relationships. Bottom line is that if you are not comfortable being a dad, DON'T. 100% NTA.
While as a child free person myself I agree that if you aren't comfortable having kids you shouldn't, the reason OP gives seems a bit misguided to me. It seems that he is worried that if he became a dad he wouldn't be a perfect dad who always says the right things. That's what being a parent is, you're not always going to say the right thing, kids aren't always going to interpret things the best. You don't have to be perfect to be a parent, most of it comes down to trying your hardest to be the best parent you can be. OP knows his situation better than I do so it could be deeper than what I got from it and if he thinks he shouldn't be a parent then that's enough for me to agree.
Nah op just gave examples of why hes uncomfortable around kids. That wasn’t the reason he doesn’t want them, he just has no desire to be a parent
I'm just curious where the money for boarding school comes from. Are either of these two from super wealthy families? Does she expect op to pay for it? Does she have trust fund money to pay for it? Private school is expensive enough, boarding school is excessively expensive. Edit: corrected
Obviously from her next man. 😂
Your friends are fucked up
Nta there's nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone with a kid. You are child free. It's ridiculous that they are trying to manipulate you I to thinking you are misogynistic because you won't date her. No you weren't cruel to her you told her the truth and I get that she's sad about it but they all need to respect your preferences that you are childfree
the lack of leading comprehension from some of the people commenting here is crazy.
haha leading comprehension. I see what you did there
Reading comprehension gets in the way of blaming the man, so out it goes.
U dodged a bullet there …. she didn’t dodge the same one 5 years back …. NTA.
Damn. Nta. I’m a 25 year old mom. Ain’t no way in hell would I talk shit about my son or talk about sending him to BOARDING SCHOOL for a man. 🥴
She is not a nice person. She was willing to send her CHILD to a boarding school! Let me repeat that.... she would SEND HER CHILD AWAY to get herself a man.... also "shes ruined my life enough alread, i cant catch a break" shes blaming her xhild for HER choices. Her child didnt ask to be born! Also so she didn't seem concerned about the lack of protection as well which is a red flag.... she resents her daughter and was willing to risk a pregnancy to snag you! Run dont walk. Add to that she's now sent her flying monkeys to attack you because you have boundaries you won't cross. She's a real catch!
She's not willing or able to send her kid to boarding school, she was just making shit up to have sex
Once she snags OP she can make him help to pay for boarding school
Nta. WTf is with these blaming you for "leading her on?" You've rejected her multiple times. She need to distance herself if she can't get the hint. Of course drunk your gonna fool around. Friends with benefits are a thing. Just distance yourself from her since she obviously can't control herself.
She won’t take no for an answer, then jumps on him while he is drunk. Reverse the genders and this would look very concerning.
> WTf is with these blaming you for "leading her on?" OP is a man, obviously TA no need to read any further.
But why doesn't he distance himself? If the genders were reversed, people would be telling OP to stay tf away from this person
You fell in love with a single mother. Happens to the best of us. You don't want to get the single mother pregnant. Good. You rejected the single mother, because you didn't have protection on you. Good. Verdict: NTA
NTA. Dating single moms is a huge mistake. Find a women without kids.
You don’t love her. You love the idea of her. She’s got a kid so obviously that’s a no go. Hard truth for women.
I don't think the answer to this is telling people what they feel and don't feel. You can love someone romantically and still not want to be with them for any reason. Some people are self-aware enough to know that they are romantically attracted to someone who isn't good for them or vice versa.
NTA Nothing wrong with not wanting to date single moms.
The commenters voting YTA are fools. Not dating a single mom is a perfectly valid preference especially since you're childfree. You didn't lead her on. You are not misogynistic. Most Redditors tell guys who got friendzoned that they are not owed a relationship. That's true and it's also the same for women. You have every right to reject her and she is not owed a relationship. NTA
NTA >Some of her girl friends said that refusing to date a single mother just because of her kid is misogynistic. Lol no. Being a single mother is not a natural property of being a woman, there are plenty of women in the dating market who aren't single mothers and never will be. She made a choice to be a teen mom, that's on her and whoever might have pressured her into it, not on you. Judging b her behaviour on that party with the lack of contraception, she's about to repeat that mistake.
She’s a huge red flag . From wanting to have unprotected sex to the way she spoke about her daughter is foul . No wonder she’s still single . You’re NTA but you should give up on her
NTA
NTA if you want to stay child-free then you definitely shouldn’t date anyone with a kid.
NTA AT ALL. Ppl cannot guilt you, if you used her feelings to sleep with her while secretly thinking you won’t commit to a single mother that is being a misogynist, you were being a gentleman. You are childfree by choice and nothing wrong in that. Would her friends prefer you date her for a while and then later dump her when differences crop up and become toxic!
Mina needs to go to therapy.
NTA, but I seriously think you need to leave this young woman alone. Break ties. Sad, but true. It would be the best for her. She may be beating you to it and I hope that's the case.
So, before the drunk incident, he rejected her multiple times, and people keep saying he's the one leading her on? What else, men and women can't be friends because of this? 🙄
Don’t waste your youth on a single mother who got knocked up as a teenager. That alone is an enormous red flag.
Wow if the situation was reversed I could see so many people saying the exact opposite. People suck.
NTA - but any woman who would send her child to boarding school just to have a relationship definitely isn't a Good Person. . You aren't wrong to hold to your own limits. You don't want to be a parent or a stepparent, so it would be wrong to date someone with a child. That decision is about YOU, don't let anyone make it about someone else. You were lucky that you kept enough presence of mind not to "be taken advantage of" while drunk.
NTA but leave her alone.
ITT: people guilt tripping you for not busting raw during a drunken one night stand and politely retracting consent
NTA. Thank you for not being sloppy and irresponsible and having sex just because you could have. Please treat this like a lesson. You are young and maybe you'll change your mind about kids, maybe not, but clearly at 25 you need to stick to people who are not thinking of kids right now either. It will save a lot of heartache and bad feelings for both parties.
I love you but not enough to be with you. I love you but not your kid. You should have just moved on. Why hurt her with something she can't change. Not wanting to date a single parent is fine. Be nice. You aren't ready anyway.
She pushed it. Taking someone into a room, removing her top and wanting to have unprotected sex - that is really out of control. OP's best move probably would have been to simply remove himself from the situation. I was once in a situation where a woman came onto me, drunk. I was stone cold sober (since I'm boring that way, well, most other ways too) and told her, straight up, I won't have sex with someone who is drunk. That might have been his best solution, reserve any further discussion for when they're sober but when both of them are tipsy and emotions are running high, it's hard to fault him for not picking the smoothest solution. I think we can give him credit for backing off, for knowing himself (he's not ready to be a father) and not wading into a morass. And I think we have to acknowledge that she's a mess - if what he says is accurate and she's ready to send her kid away to secure a boyfriend, her sense of priorities are really fucked up. Acknowledging that it's only human to want a mate, AITA/AITAH proves every day that being single is far from the worst thing that can happen to you, for sure it would be a really bad idea for her to score a boyfriend who's not ready to help out with the kid, and it would be an excruciatingly terrible thing for her to toss her kid overboard to find someone who doesn't want a kid.
He literally said he wasn't up for it, and she got aggressive. Don't try to finger OP as the instigator here.
Absolutely NTA. There are plenty of good reasons to not date people with kids, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood, and God bless them for owning up to it. Personally, I stopped dating men with kids for several reasons. Breaking up was doubly hard because I was attached to the kid(s) and they were attached to me. Then there were the jealous exs who decided to insert themselves into the relationship. I have no time or patience for that kind of nonsense. And then there were the men who made little time for me because of the kids. And they should put their kids first. I'm not that girl who demands he spend all his time with me at the expense of his children. That's just unreasonable and selfish. Having said that, of course I want to be with someone who is able to make time for me. I think these are all perfectly reasonable and valid preferences, and yet there were still people (mostly butt-hurt men who don't like being told no) who accused me of being a child hater. Oh! I also have adhd. It can be very difficult for neurodivergents to be around excessive noise and energy. I find it sends my anxiety into overdrive, and I'm not fun to be around when that happens. Anyway...you seem like a good and decent guy. Don't listen to anyone who tries to spew that nonsense at you. I do feel it was a mistake on your part to have let things go as far as they did, but that's what comes with being young and human. You will make many more mistakes throughout the years. Always use them for the learning experience they are and you'll succeed in life. Best of luck to you. ✌🏻
NTA. Now you have plenty of reasons to reject her. First was your preference, Second was your finances, third was she was willing to sacrifice her daughter to be with you, that tells loads about your gf. In short she is only reaching out for you to make you her ATM. That also tells something of her "motherly instincts", which seems to be zero. Fourth, to be stupid, irresponsible and batshit crazy is not a good combo. Fifth she does not respect you since she turned your friends against you. You were not wrong to have a preference, nor were you misogynistic. You were not cruel, you were just not blind enough to marry her. If that does not prepare you enough to completely dump your gf and change your friends, you got yourself to blame for your blunder.
Nta
On the one hand, N T A for being childfree. That’s a personal choice and you’re entitled to make it. Not dating a woman with a child isn’t misogynistic and using that term is a guilt tactic. On the other hand, YTA for not shutting it down from the get go with the explanation that you’re purposely childfree. Instead, you gave her the wishy washy “I’m not ready for a relationship” that resulted in false hope on her part. Then you got tipsy enough to get all touchy feely with her but fortunately not drunk enough to throw caution to the wind. But, “hey girl, once we’re sober and have protection, I’ll be happy to bang you for shits and giggles…as long as you understand it’s not going anywhere because..you know…kid.” This is why her friends are calling you cruel and a dick. You essentially told this woman she’s good enough to bang but not relationship material because she has a child. Which might be why they’re calling you misogynistic. You handled this poorly from the start. Unfortunately for you, this is how this group is going to see you. Not much you’re going to be able to do to change that impression.
Not sure why he's an asshole for saying " I'm not ready for a relationship" when women say that all the time to men. I guess it's okay for women to say that and not men ?
This chick is a garbage mother. No wonder why she is a single parent. He did it all correct and even tok responsibility so she didnt get pregnant again.
NTA. Lots of people are child free now. Just quit leading on single moms. You gave her false hope.
**She has confessed me a few times that she likes me, and I have kindly rejected her saying that I wasn't ready for a relationship, but loved her as a friend.** How exactly was he "leading her on"?
Gotta love that that is a line women use SO OFTEN but apparently a man can't without it still being misleading. 🥸
leading on someone, single mom or not, is pretty assholish
NTA I was a Mina, for five years, and I did appreciate the men who knew they didn’t want that for whatever reason. I felt life was too short for me to waste anyone’s time.
Lesson: Carry condoms. The multiverses where you did are much better. You know you don't want to be a father, and that's a good reason not to get involved with Mina, but since you decided to play around with her you ended up hurting her more. You do have to take some responsibility for that. Most seriously, you should get a vasectomy if you're sure. Condoms break.
NTA You literally don’t need a reason to turn down sex or anything else romantic in nature. ‘No means no’ applies to all aspects of that part of life. To save yourself future headaches, don’t give them a reason. “I need you to respect my no.”
NTA. You’re honest that it’s a no for you. And that is 100% ok.
Nta, frankly I think you’ve dodged a bullet. She sounds immature af.
You ain't in love with her full stop (period)
Don’t fool for the guilt trip
100% NTA You don’t need to date anybody just to prove you’re a good person. Look I think you need to take a step back from That friendship. The kissing and all that can’t happen again. You can’t offer sex and expect her to not try to turn it into something serious. Shes trying to make it serious already (she wanted to have sex unprotected are your alarm bells not ringing LOUD?) She’s clearly very immature, and she won’t be able to handle something informal with you. You can’t give her what she wants and even if you’d end up together you would resent her, or worse both of you would resent her daughter. This woman needs to grow up and put her daughter first, and you need to take a look at what’s happening. You don’t like this woman you like the idea of her and what she’d be if she weren’t a mother. But she’s a mother so that’s it.
I have trouble believing this really happened. There was a recent story with a nearly identical title. "AITA for Telling a Girl I Won't Date Her Because She's A Single Mother". [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dlawhp/aita\_for\_telling\_a\_girl\_i\_wont\_date\_her\_because/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dlawhp/aita_for_telling_a_girl_i_wont_date_her_because/) While the details are different, the gist is the same. That being said, *if it is true*, NTA. I would have said NAH, but she was trying to insist on you two doing it raw and trying to pressure you into it. That's scummy behavior. Coerced consent is not consent. Emotional manipulation, which she was engaging in, *is* abusive. Consent gained via emotional manipulation is coerced consent, and not valid consent. Waiting until you have protection would have been the smart, responsible thing to do **even if you wanted to date her**. Her behavior, and the behavior of those who are berating you, is unacceptable. If one of them tries to give you grief about it, simply inform them they are welcome to take their opinions and shove them up their ass. If they persist, inform them you'll be cutting them off because you will not tolerate their abusive behavior, and the world would be a better place if they were to kindly remove themselves from it because we don't need more abusers in this world.
Mother of 2 here (both very much wanted). NTA. You rejected her several times before this. The only difference this time was you both got drunk. We never make good decisions by being drunk (which is why she tried to have unprotected sex with you. Yeesh!), so no one should fault you for how you handled things this time around. I will say I'm quite proud of you for stopping things before it went too far. And I'm glad you were upfront on why you don't want to date her. There's nothing wrong with not feeling qualified to be a parent, and there's nothing wrong with refusing to date someone with a kid because you wish to be childless. I can see if people want to get upset because you don't want to raise a kid that's not your own (that's a very touchy subject), but you wish to be child-free. It would make no sense to date someone who has a child. I am very concerned about the things she said regarding her daughter. If you can, please reach out to her friends or her parents and tell them the things she was saying, and tell them you're worried about her mental health and the safety of her kid. If they truly give a shit about her, they'll check in on her and offer some sort of support.
Bruh... NTA son. Your life your choice. Better start looking for other friends as well. They're trying to downplay your own valid feelings just because you arent into of that stuff. Nah uh...hand on my heart, the line she said "You're just like everyone else" will instantly ick me. Like wtf were you supposed to do? Lie to her just for her sake? Nah uh.. She sounds like she's trying to find a future daddy for her kid by guilt tripping you.
Neither of you are mature enough for this situation. But only one of you can walk away from it
DON'T BE GUILTED INTO A BABY TRAP!! Plain and simple Bruh, she's looking for a White Knight to come in and rescue her from her shitty life choices. Did she tell you where the stud who knockd her up is? Does HE even know he has a daughter and what happens when YOU put in the time, effort, love and the kid turns around and falls all over her "REAL" Dad. There have been so many heartbreaking stories of ungratful wives and step children using the guy all his life as a pay check but still falling all over the stud that did the deed. Don't be a chump. Move on and take note of who your real friends are as opposed to those who think yOU need to bail this strong, independant womna out of her shit show of a life.
I'm going against the grain here. YTA. YTA because you can't make up your god damn mind. You tell us you're "in love" with her. I'm thinking that you are giving her signals. You heavily made out with her and you were going to smash. Then, you told her you couldn't be with her because she has a kid. You need to either commit or go no contact. Don't half ass this thing because she's a single mom and has no time for this bullshit. You are toying with a woman's heart and that sucks. Be a man and make a decision and then stick with it.
Man I feel bad for that kid. You’re NTA for not wanting to be put in a step dad role. That’s actually ok. She’s TA for saying her kid ruined her life and that she would send her kid away. What a shitty mom.
The friends are the AHs here for sure
Naw run bro
NTA She needs real help or her daughter is going to be abused and neglected by the sound of her drunken hatred for the child I’m honestly worried for how she spoke about her child. She blamed her child for everything. A child does not choose to be born. A child does not choose to have a teenage mother (by calcs 17-18).
>She ruined my life enough and I can't catch a break". So this woman bought a child into this world and she blames the 5 year old for her misery... horrible woman. Nta Run away
NTA When I ended up a single mother, I was glad I didn't have to deal with my ex anymore. I didn't date. I was too busy with my baby/toddler, going to school, then working, and just enjoying the whole mom experience. One of the reasons I chose not to date was because I didn't want to be one of those moms with a revolving door to the bedroom. I didn't want to have anyone I didn't know well to have access to my home, but mostly I didn't want them to have access to my child. Plus, once you're abandoned by the father of your child, you become extremely cautious when it comes to matters of the heart. Oddly enough, a man I'd known for years (we were friends, dated, friends, dated, friends, roommates/friends without benefits, friends but no longer roommates, and then intermittently fwb), had been going through a rough patch. We were talking on the phone fairly regularly and we hung out a bit when my daughter and I flew back home for Christmas. Oddly enough, this man had actually held my daughter before her biological father did (he wanted DNA testing to prove she was his, to which I said you betcha!). Fast forward about a year and he comes to visit. He needed to get away for a few days. When my daughter and met him at the airport, my breath kind of caught and I realized I loved him, that he was *home* to me. Talking with him later that night, he told me when he saw us there waiting for him, he had to take a moment to collect himself because he felt this overwhelming rush of love and comfort and a sense that he was finally home. When I told him the same happened to me, we just...knew. So, two years after my daughter was conceived, I was intensely glad I hadn't dated or slept with anyone because of all the reasons above, but also because...it felt right to not have been with anyone else between her conception and deciding to be with the man I eventually married. But that's me. Maybe if I'd been back home I would have done things differently because I'd have had family to watch the baby while I went out on occasion. I don't know. I just know I never felt like my daughter was a burden or obstacle to my happiness. In fact, it was the exact opposite. My daughter was my favorite person, my light, my first real true love (I never knew what people meant by that until my daughter came along), my motivation to finish school, etc. Because of her, I was a better person and I could better express myself through a truer love. I feel for women who aren't happy becoming a mom. They're more concerned about their own happiness than their child's. Or maybe they're lonely, feeling unattractive or unlovable or invisible. Whatever it is, it's not the baby's fault. Baby had nothing to do with mom's and dad's decision to make them and go ahead with the pregnancy. That's all on the adults. So, OP, while you're NTA for wanting to be child-free, you were TA for getting attached to a single mom and letting it go as far as it did. In the future, don't begin any kind of a relationship - casual or otherwise - with a single mom. It's not right. Be friends with them, but don't date them. As for the single mom, being lonely is normal. But never say you'd give up your kid for a man. Even if you don't really mean it...that's like inviting trouble. Ptoo ptoo ptoo! (Superstitious and all).
Such a lovely story. Thanks for sharing 🥰
It's not your fault for not wanting to be a father. You were honest with Mina and explained your reasons. You're not the a\*\*hole for prioritizing your own life choices.
>"She ruined my life enough and I can't catch a break". This............. is horrifying!! She's blaming the kid!!! Because of her own choices!! The innocent child who didn't just up and jumped into her womb on her own volition!!! Like, wtf?! Naw, man, swerve her forever, this is not someone you wanna be friends with! After some stuff I read on here I'd be paranoid about drinking with her, too.
NTA The fact she wanted to do it raw is a huge red flag. Seems like she didn't lean anything from the past. At least you were aware enough about the possible consequences. Her friends are also way out of line for harasssing you. This sounds like an overall toxic mess. Honestly I would just count my lucky stars I didn't falter to having unprotected sex, possibly ending in a pregnancy, and move on from this friendship.
NTA You enforced your personal boundaries and said no to unprotected sex. I can't fathom how people can make you out to be a bad guy, but I guess some people just engage in benevolent sexism.
Both OP and lust interest are both crazy. Her crazy, he crazy for not seeing it.
NTA. This is a fundamental life decision and if a person is not compatible with it, dating will not work.
I’m sorry but all of the YTAs in the comments is insane. You made the right choice in the moment. Don’t listen to these other assholes. You did not lead her on. You put a stop to it and even told her exactly how you feel about her, children, and her daughter. You did the responsible thing here. If you would have slept with her and then told her how you felt then the situation would be completely different but you didn’t. People see a crying woman in that situation and automatically think it’s your fault. No it wasn’t. Fuck them if they don’t believe you or listen to both sides.
That girl is an absolute trainwreck. Without a second thought she is willing to engage in the same behaviors that guy her in the range kind of situation that she apparently hates so much. This girl will keep making shitty decisions in whatever she does
You basically need to cut her off. You're doing the right thing not getting involved with a single mom if you don't want kids. Far too many people date parents and then end up being horrible stepparents because they resent the child. Unfortunately for her child. The mom kinda sucks. Acting like it was her choice to be born...the child is innocent and she's blaming her. So shitty. You don't want to be involved with someone like that either.
Sounds like the biggest problem is that you avoided being honest with her when you should have been much sooner. The second biggest problem is that all of this finally came out when you were both drunk and stupid, and she was incredibly vulnerable.
NTA good on u for maintaining ur boundaries cause children end up w bad step parents cause they cant even comprehend their own boundaries. but i am very concerned she wants to send the kid to boarding school and said she ruined her life?? girl what
NTA for not wanting to date a single mother. HOWEVER, folks are reading waaaaay too much into her comments imo. She said some dumb shit because she was drunk, emotionally overwhelmed from getting rejected by a guy she obviously has a lot of feelings for and just being physically/emotionally drained by having to raise a young child on her own. I come from a broken family myself and i know what it means when parents say some bad shit about their child/parenthood. This was 100% just her being overwhelmed and nothing more.
Nta. Some people do not want children, or don't want to risk getting attached to a kid that isn't theirs legally and thrn losing that child when dad comes back a decade later. Being dad to a kid of another man isn't something to take lightly. It can be heartbreaking for the "dad" if it goes wrong at all. That being said... if u love her. Which u say u do.... how do u let someone go for something out of their control?
Stop calling her and tell your friends that say you are wrong for not wanting a relationship with her, they are more than welcome to step up and raise her child.
No that's on her lol
Your body your choice.. it's your choice on what to do with yourself and you choose not to be involved with a single mom... NTA
NTA. That she wanted to do it without protection (trap you with another pregnancy?) and basically said she hated her daughter I’d RUN FAR AWAY FROM HER.
Nta. I’d say NAH, but will say that she might be the asshole for putting blame on her kid that belongs more closely to her (kid didn’t choose to be alive; it’s not fair to put *ruining your life* on a child that didn’t choose to be here) and for offering to send them to boarding school for your convenience. Like, actually wtf. I don’t blame her for being frustrated, but I worry about how she might be treating her daughter if she can say these things so easily, even when drunk. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, but don’t be shocked that she isn’t responding enthusiastically to you at this point. I’m not saying with certainty that this is the case, but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want **any** kind of relationship with you at this point. Even if you didn’t do anything wrong, emotions can be fickle, she can’t change the fact that she is a mom so it might be hard for her to see you since she does have feelings for you.
You’re not a jerk for having boundaries and being responsible in your intimacy choices. You need to distance yourself from her. Being friends with someone you have deeper feelings for, but don’t want to take deeper, is unfair to both of you. Other people’s opinions on misogyny are not important. It’s misandric to force a man to be in a relationship with children that he is not interested in. It’s foolish all the way around. Best thing for both of you is distance
Don't let those idiots pressure you into raising someone else's kid, please.
NTA for not being ready to be a dad to another person's child. Man! Her response though is concerning.
nta. They are trying to guilt trip u. Stand by your convictions. She is trying to guilt trip u also. On the other hand u should not waste her time either if u dont want kids either. Frankly break it off
NTA but also you are confusing just with love.
Absolutely NTA. She's TAH doe, the way she speaks about her kid is disgusting, not to mention trying to have unprotected sex and getting mad at you cuz you said NO, the nerves. Good on you for standing up for yourself, now you need a new group friends and dump all of those that judged you and took her side.
No , but if that is the case , you should not mess arounds with her anymore and stop talking to her
NTA Not wanting a kid is a pretty solid reason not to date somebody who has a kid. It is about as good a reason I have ever heard for anyone not to date anyone. Her friends calling you misogynistic are not worth wasting a second on. That's just offensive.
Nta. And the fact she wants to send her daughter off is a red flag. I could never be with anyone that would send thier child off to be with someone. Yall are not compatible and you are never an AH for knowing it. Plus she wanted to have unprotected sex. While she already has a daughter that she feels ruined her life.
Her ruined life is not your responsibility. Her and others trying to guilt you in to being with her are the assholes. She might be a super AH for trying to baby trap you as well. You're actually a good man for not taking advantage of her feelings that night. NTA
She needs some therapy before she fucks up her kid.
NTA. You need better friends.
Realistically neither of you are ready for long term commitment. She needs to put her child first for the next 10-15 years. You need to work on your own development. Yes have friends and responsible sex. Be good to each other and other people but I think you need extra points for being realistic. You weren’t cruel to her just being realistic. If possible you could have a difficult but productive conversation at some stage. Essentially you were not rejecting her but trying to navigate a tricky situation it revealed her worst characteristics but that alone should not determine what you do next. It might help to explain your feelings when you can but if she shuts down then you will just have to move on.
These same people would be calling you heartless and a dick if you lead her on and dumped her later. And they don't have an issue with her saying the things she did about her daughter? Good grief. NTA.
NTA, she just doesn’t have her priorities straight tbh. That has nothing to do with you.
I doubt you’ll see this and it just get buried, but definitely NTA. I’m in a similar position. No kids and single. One of my lady friends that had a kid stated that I don’t have to be a father or anything as long as I am kind to their child. That was all she asked. As we all age, it’s harder to find people without kids. Hopefully anyone that thinks you’re an asshole will realize it is they who are the assholes.
I can see both sides and it's tragic but NTA. You have a right not to want kids, and even if you wanted them it's a bit much to ask from a 25yo in this situation. She's frustrated and pissed off and that's only normal, too. She may have said some regrettable things but she has a right to her anger and frustration, she's so young and yet made such a definitive decision when she decided to have her kid. I'm only hoping she doesn't mean what she said but even if she did... She was a kid when she got the kid. I don't want to judge. I'm not a parent and could never be.
NTA and I give you props for not having unprotected sex.
NTA. You want to remain childfree--it is important to you. Sorry Mina, but she doesn't fit your criteria. Your friends are being aholes to think you shouldn't take your own life into consideration in order to appease Mina. BS on them. They think that YOUR needs and wants are less than Mina's? Come on. Those aren't friends!
NTA. I like kids a lot. I've wanted to be a father and start a family since I learned that people could make other people. I've dated single moms before and I'm great with kids. I'd still be looking at a relationship with a single mother through a different lens then I'd be looking at a relationship with a childless woman because they are very different experiences (as well they should be). You already know that you intend to be child-free and are not good with kids. That's enough of a reason to not pursue a relationship. Because you're not compatible and a child should grow up with a father figure that actually wants to be around them and teach them stuff and guide them trough life. It would be a disservice to the child for you to pursue a relationship with her mother rather then allow her to find someone who want's to be that guy for them. You did the right thing
NTA
NTA, but leave her alone. She loves you, you love her, and this is just painful. You need to move on and she needs to move on. You have a right to be child-free and she needs to realize that she can't make a decent connection with someone determined to be child-free because her life does not fit that box.
"She ruined my life enough and I can't catch a break". She's the AH.
NAH. You’re not the arsehole for not wanting kids. That perfectly valid, and could wind up bad for the kid. But to a parent our kids are our lives, being rejected for them hurts. And they definitely affect what we can and can’t do, there are a lot of things off the table when you have a kid, and especially while drunk it’s not uncommon to be frustrated by that. So she’s not the arsehole for that. You’re both in a terrible position, but it’s nobodies fault. Give her some time and you might be able to repair the friendship.
My god dude leave her alone.
Tell your friends to butt out
stay away from single mothers.
NTA, because as another poster said, "You can reject anybody for any reason". But, you likely need to break it off with Mina. It's not going to work between you, because you have completely different relationship goals, and continuing to be entangled with her is just going to bring you both pain.
NTA. I’m 32 and childfree. Not everyone wants kids in their lives & honestly I would immediately think less of a parent who says some shit like “I can send them to boarding school”.
NTA. I raised kids alone - and never once blamed a guy if he didn't want to be involved with me because of that. I respected it to be honest. Raising children is a lot of responsibility, and even if they are your partner's it will always be a factor in your life. In fact, for me the red flag was if I mentioned having children and it didn't make a guy who was hitting on me at least pause. I viewed as very likely they didn't care because they weren't interested in long term. That may not have always been true, of course, but it was my thoughts on most of them. Whether you're being an asshole to yourself for choosing not to be with someone you love over that is not the question on the table - and even if it were you do have that right. As to her "ruined my life enough" comment, that makes me sad. That's a horrible way to feel about your own child. I can't imagine that.
You're entitled to your reasons. But ita beat to jist leave her alone from here. She wants something from you you can't give her. You're only going to hurt her more.
NTA at all. I’m all for feminism and this is not misogynistic at all. You have a very reasonable boundary and tbh the fact that she said she wants to send her kid away just to be able to date is fucked. I think you should distance yourself from her.
NTA Those same friends that are calling you a misogynist are likely the same type of person who would refuse to date a guy under 6'.
for me is actually good that you rejected the sex with a drunk person, is good that you were honest and also is good that you have the awareness to know that you are not fit to be a present figure on a child life I can empathize with her to a degree, being a single parent is hard and trying to find a partner is even harder for her, but that's not an excuse to said she ruined her life and she would send her away, the child is innocent in all this for me NTA and I think she needs to adress how she talked about her daughter, like I said I can empathize with her loneliness and she probably has some issue about being this young of a mother, (even more so because we don't know how the child was conceived), I think even with feelings involved, you're not compatible in this stage of life
I feel bad for Mina, but yeah you are smart and mature for rejecting her if you don’t want to be a dad. Sorry about the tough break.
NTA. You have to do whats right for you. You've made no commitment to this woman or her child. It's a shitty situation but sounds like you've got a really clear head on your shoulders. Don't lose it.
NTA. She was ready to have unprotected sex with you to risk getting pregnant again. Did she not learn her lesson from five years ago? You need to stay away from her because next time you may not be able to stop and you will get baby trapped.
You shouldn’t have continued to spend time with her after she confessed her feelings. You knew you didn’t want a relationship with her but didn’t tell her why and continued to string her along by spending lots of time with her.
You are NTA for having a preference for not wanting kids and telling her that, but.....You should not have started anything with her at all, and for that, yes, YTA. Sounds like she has some of her own issues she needs to deal with, and it definitely didn't help you playing with hers. ffs.
As a single mom, if you don’t have a desire to be a father then please don’t. Honestly is best if you just give her space.
You don't want kids and that's completely fine. However you shouldn't be leading anyone on. She was pushing and that's not ok. You don't want kids ever, get a vasectomy, don't have sex with moms or any woman not using protection and stay away from her. You're straddling a fence with her. Stop saying you love her, you don't and that's ok but she needs to move on.
NTA, you know what you want in life and it's valid. I would've said n a h but Mina saying that stuff about how she'd send her 5 YEAR OLD CHILD to boarding school, that "she ruined my life", like, ew. Red flag imo, how could she say that about a child she chose to have? Mina needs a reality check that having a kid means some people may not want to date her because of the responsibility and that's okay.
NTA. I, personally, was raised three dads. My father who passed away, and my two stepfathers. I see the importance of a male role model and the impact that a positive male figure had in my life. I've never shied away from women with children. But that's my journey. You are allowed to understand your limitations, you are not ready for children yet. You may be in the future, you may not. It is for you to decide, not for anyone to decide for you. You were honest, and she was pressuring you. You did the best under the circumstances. There is nothing to be ashamed of in your choice of words given the situation. It sounds like she has a lot of internalized feelings about her situation. She needs to work those out first.
>I don't have the economic stability, the space, the patience, or maturity to raise a child. Honestly, the fact that you can admit this and it gives you pause from not just jumping into the sack with this woman, but starting a relationship with her, means that you've got a good head on your shoulders. I don't think you were being cruel at all - you tried to subtly reject her multiple times and she kept pushing the issue. If the genders were reversed here, this comment section would be flooded with people calling Mina a stalker and a creep and an abuser. It's unfortunate that so many people are blind to the same behaviors when they are done by the females of the species. Oh well, WAW syndrome in full effect I guess.
NTA. Becoming a parent, which includes being a stepparent, when you don't want kids is a pretty horrible thing to do to a kid. You are making the kindest choice for that child to not get involved with Mina, and you have a lot more brains than Mina does by stopping things and not having sex because you didn't have any condoms. Not just for contraceptive reasons, but because it's foolish to have unprotected sex with someone when you don't know if they've been tested for STD's. Last, I would have zero respect for someone who blames their kid for "ruining their life." Someone who would just up and send their kid to boarding school just so they didn't have to be a parent and could go do whatever is someone I have zero respect for. You may have feelings for her, but she honestly isn't that great of a person. If you two end up dating one another, that sounds like a great way for the kid to have not one but two people who don't want her around and that's not fair to her.
NTA, But listen to what she said about her child. Deep inside she isn't a good mother, not even a good person. Drunken words are sober thoughts, you know? Nowadays there are a fucking ton of ways out, even with an unwanted pregnancy. You don't need to keep a child you don't want. This with the fact she was willing to risk another unwanted pregnancy just because she was horny is screaming "run as fast as you can". I think she would babytrap you to lock you down and then complain and cry because she never wanted a second one and leave you with both kids
NTA. Her choices don’t have to be your responsibility.
You're grown up enough to say you don't want to be a dad and not willing to do anything that will risk your future - now go the rest of the way and keep your hands and lips off of her. At best, you're sending her mixed signals.
Don’t involve yourself any further. Seriously. NTA.
Don’t feel guilty for having a preference you don’t owe her anything. She kept nagging for an explanation then got upset over your answer it’s her fault.
U can reject a person for any reason. And not wanting to be a step dad is a very good one. U didn't judge her but she has to realize not everyone is going to sign uo for that responsibility. U aren't the asshole. Your so called friends are for saying what they did. I really think u need to distance yourself from them and her tbh