NTA. You aren’t blowing this out of proportion.
How is buying lingerie and putting it in someone’s room a prank?
“You’ll learn with age” - there’s a 4 year difference between you and Claire. Does she think in 4 years you’ll somehow think buying lingerie is acceptable and somehow can be considered a prank.
Girl, I’m in my 40’s and I can tell you right now, that would never be an acceptable Inside joke or prank. And you bf telling you you’re the problem “because he didn’t hide it” from you is just plain trying to manipulate/gaslight you.
You don’t need him to agree to dump his ass. You deserve better. Drop him and f**k Claire too (not literally!)
This. I was thinking the same thing. “You’ll learn with age”??? I’m almost 30 years old, I would not think to tell someone who only 5 years younger than me that they’ll learn something with age, that’s fucking weird and condescending as fuck. OP is NTA but she definitely needs to dump this tool and his entire friend group asap.
"learn with age" is CLEARLY a shitty condescending comment towards OP. And there's nothing in the post saying her bf stood up for her, either. I'm almost 40 and I don't understand the lingerie prank except to assume Claire had some period sex issues.. if that's the case then.. idk, kinda gross, but it has zero to do with age.
What a witch
>Claire called me and said that she and my bf have been friends for a long time, and 'inside jokes' are just that, and I'll learn with more age.
Tell Claire boundaries exist, and adults respect boundaries. But it's okay if they don't understand, they'll learn with age.
I had this happen almost word for word when my ex's ex (who he was still friends with, she lived quite a distance away) was coming over to stay the weekend. She made a joke to him asking if she needed to bring any blankets with her or "if he would keep her warm". He thought it was weird/inappropriate so told me about it right away, we both agreed it wasnt ok- then when he confronted her about it, he told her "Dancecomander thinks youre trying to sleep with me, i dont but.... ?". Completely threw me under the fucking bus.
She then turned it around into, when he used to live at his grandmothers and she would stay with him there, she had to bring extra blankets because she was always cold. So she was just making a cheeky little joke off that, nothing was meant by it, theyve been friends longer than hes even known me and she doesnt have to explain herself and neither should he. That theyre adults and just friends who can make jokes.
My discomfort was completely ignored by both of them after that, and i was reduced to just being jealous, because he "that wasnt what she meant, and even if it was he would never sleep with her".
The mental gymnastics people do when called out on inappropriate behaviour is just disgusting.
Shoulda dumped ice water on that bitch in her sleep. If they were exes, they likely fucked at some point and her hitting on your man while you have opened your home to her is so icky. Clearly she hadn't moved on. I am happy for you that he is your ex now.
That was the nail in the coffin in my opinion. That would have been the moment I would have had to take a step back. Because that means he got friend zoned and accepted friendship to maintain access to Claire in the hopes that she’d have him later on. 🙄
Right? The irony that some 28 year olds in a childish prank war, holding on to college days, telling someone only 4 years younger she'll 'learn with age' is just laughable.
It's really cringe. I couldn't imagine saying something so stupid to someone unless I wanted to piss them off but it's a double edged sword because the person saying it would be such a tool lmao
Yep, that comment was what sold this situation as too fucked for the OP to waste their time.
Something you actually learn with age is to let people resolved their own issues. Claire calling to tell OP to grow up proves these people have boundary issues.
Right- these “pranks” are weird like I genuinely don’t know anyone who does stupid shit like that after college. We don’t find things literal children do funny or cute. But maybe that’s bc we don’t have time to be thinking about water balloons and whipped cream.
Yup. Claire friendzoned OPs boyfriend and OP is the person he had to settle for. The prank is just a cover for the boyfriend to give Claire a gift, whether Claire would be aware of it or not, in hopes that she would initiate a certain type of conversation and move it on from there, and if she didn't, it would just be played off as a joke. The explanation from the boyfriend about what the joke was makes absolutely no sense. Claire has a thing about the color red, so he's gifting her red lingerie to shock her? That's the biggest load of horseshit I've ever read lol. Claire's comment about OP understanding more with age was deliberately condescending and demeaning. Claire probably enjoys the fact that OPs boyfriend pines after her, but she keeps him at a safe enough distance to where she gets only the amount of attention she is comfortable with without having to make any commitments. As for OPs boyfriend, he thinks just because he told his GF about the prank and explained how it worked means that he's in the clear and shouldn't be held accountable for OPs insecurity with the situation. He did this to cover his ass in advance in case his plan worked and Claire initiated the conversation that he's hoping she would. He didn't want to get called out for giving her such a brazen gift and making such a bold move while having a girlfriend so he is doing it under the protection of it being one of the pranks, especially if it didn't go the way he wanted it to and Claire didn't take the bait. I'm willing to bet that his audacity to even do this was triggered in part by Claire, at the very least, leading him on, or at worst, entertaining him and actively flirting with him. Otherwise, someone who is in the friendzone, unless they are unwell and obsessed, isn't going to feel comfortable doing such a thing. The fact that he is comfortable doing this speaks volumes. Worst case scenario is they have an active affair and this is their cover story for in case OP were to discover the lingerie or its purchase receipt, so they came up with this plan to "let her know" in advance.
Either way, OPs gut says something is wrong. And regardless of what she knows for certain, she is safest sticking with her gut no matter what. But I think everyone else here would agree that something shady is going on with Claire and the boyfriend, or at the very least just the boyfriend. He's definitely in love with Claire and OP is what he settled for. She'll always compare herself to Claire as long as she's with him. And she'll always find ways to throw in OPs face how they have a dynamic that OP just will not understand. Even if OP were to mature and still be dating at Claire's age that she is now, Claire would still find a way to make OP feel like she's too young to understand their relationship.
*--admit, I get a bit weirded out when he calls Claire 'extremely beautiful' and* ***jokes about how she was always -- been 'way out of his league'.***
The bolded part is pretty dodgy.
Also, at 28 these endless pranks is pretty childish, what a cheek to patronise you.
NTA, I'd be moving on personally, meet a man, not a silly little boy who seems to be in love/lust with his "friend".
Why do we think he *isn't* fucking Claire?
I think it's big time alarming that they're both aggressively "reassuring" OP and getting super defensive about this. If OP was respected at all they'd just be like "oh ok maybe no lingerie for Claire" instead of fighting her about it and acting like she's a kid for being mad about this.
Thank you for catching that. My ex had a friend who tagged him on a sexual joke. He showed me and thought I'd laugh along. I told him that was disrespectful to me, him, and our relationship. I also had never heard of this friend before, who all of a sudden was a "very good friend who is loyal." They had dated years before he and I met, and he said he knew they weren't compatible, so he cut it off after 2 months. I told him I wasn't comfortable with their friendship, that I felt they had unfinished business. He even had her call me to say she had no romantic feelings for him. Well, the day I went back to the apartment I shared with my ex to pick up my belongings after I broke up with him, I got a text as soon as I left the building. It said, "Finally! Good riddance! He's all mine now." They deserve each other. I hope they're making each other miserable.
🤣🤣🤣 you made me crack up! Yeah, she stayed on the sidelines waiting to replace me. When she sent that tacky text, I responded with, "He's all yours ❤️." I know it pissed her off because she thought I'd go back and forth over a man I clearly no longer wanted. She's the dummy for thinking I was going to miss a man I left.
Yes, the aggressive reassure is a HUGE red flag. It should have made him respond "I'm so sorry, I didn't realise how disrespectful this was to you and our relationship, you're right" not anger and a fight.
NTA OP. I'd be moving on, you deserve much better.
Or maybe to keep the attention coming from him. Instead of telling him he’s a creep years ago, she downplays the flirting and gaslights OP. Claire won’t tell him to stop, she enjoys being his long-time “favourite” too much.
FYI I think Reddit formatting is messing you up.
Italic is an asterisk, text then another asterick. Bold is 2 asterisks, text then two more. You can also use > for quotes by placing it before whatever you want to quote
> then it looks like this
Was gonna say, I feel like as I get older these pranks feel more childish and need to be left in the past, not become stronger. What a stupid thing to say
Yes. And given that, it seems extra insulting for Claire to say OP would get it "with age". It's not childish to have boundaries in a relationship. It's childish to prank someone with lingerie (tee hee! how shocking!) based on a joke from college. It's also childish to double down and insist on giving another woman lingerie when your gf says she isn't comfortable. Just do something else, dude.
Reminds me of when guys keep trying to “test the waters” until their female so-called-friend finally agrees to fuck them. It’s really gross, desperate, and loser-ish behavior. Hope OP leaves him for someone more mature and can be more honest about his feelings.
My ex fiance was gifted lingerie on friendship day by her male best friend. I was extremely uncomfortable. We later broke up due to the fact it turns out he escalated it to sex at some point afterwards.
As a man: no man buys a woman underwear unless he wants to see her in it. You don’t buy sexy lingerie as a joke gift. The “prank war” is just an excuse that gives him deniability because he is a coward. Sounds to me like you struck to close to the truth for his comfort and he is shocked his perfect deniability plan didn’t work.
This ⬆️!!!!
How is giving lingerie even a prank?!? He was absolutely testing boundaries with both of you. It’s so disrespectful to you. Claire’s response is very telling. She knows he wants her and she likes the attention. If she said she wanted him, you can bet he’d dump you in heartbeat. Good for you for having self respect and moving on from someone who clearly is using a prank as a way to let Claire know he’s thinking about her wearing the lingerie.
Edit: to you recent edit that it’s an inside joke about the color red. That is such bullshit. He’s gaslighting you. So if it’s about the color then why does it have to be lingerie? He could have literally anything else in the color red but he chose lingerie.
If this inside joke sounds convoluted that’s because it is. Their excuses make no sense and when that happens then someone is lying.
Yeah i don't get which part of this prank is even supposed to be funny. Genuinely. What's funny about gifting someone lingerie? He is definitely just testing boundaries. He even said Claire was out of his league which in my eyes means that he is interested in her but the only reason he isn't with her is cause he can't pull her off. So this "prank" can be his attempt at making a move on her while making it seem "innocent" and playful. What a douche.
I’m confused because OP writes that the boyfriend said the inside joke was about the color red, and Claire said “the lingerie thing” is a collage joke. Unless they didn’t really word it that way, with BF saying red and Claire saying lingerie. If they did, then which is it? Sounds like the joke is really about *what* he’s buying her, not the color of it. So why do they have an inside joke about lingerie? And Claire sounds condescending af.
Either way if the issue is enough to make op feel like breaking up, then it’s enough of an issue. Period. Because either it is as big of a problem as she feels it is, or she’s not invested enough in the guy in the first place. I don’t think this is a small issue though, because it’s friggin weird to buy your friend lingerie.
Judging by how immature her boyfriend sounds, I think the joke is something like, hey remember when you were wearing that red lingerie at that college party and we F***'D?! HAHAHA remember?! Inside jokey, joke.
And not let her in on what actually happened back in college that made this so funny! So OP is also supposed to accept they keep secrets between themselves…
I think the fact that she hasn't been brought into the joke is a$$holery, in itself.
She doesn't have to be a prankster to not be excluded from something that everyone else apparently knows.
It's just more subtle\\not so subtle gaslighting and hierarchy games.
yeah, her bf should've actually explained the joke by now, and it doesn't sounds like anyone has really explained it. some of my friend group have been friends well before the rest of us joined the group; if an inside joke comes up, they explain it to us.
I accepted so much stank behavior from partners in my younger days because I wanted to be “the cool girl” that would never overreact and prove I was so chill and not jealous about anything. I had an ex that used to love to laugh and say “a woman can snap on you at any time.” And you best believe that was the line he’d pull out to mock me if I dared call foul on any behavior. And I tried so hard to not be the “snapping” woman. It makes me sad seeing OP being treated like she’s nuts and questioning herself like this.
It's a "prank" because the lingerie was red. Claire has a problem with the color red. Come on, you'll understand it when you get older...and Claire is engaged to your ex-BF!
Exactly my thoughts.
1. Don’t get how it could be construed as a prank. Not funny, similar to other pranks mentioned, and much more costly.
2. “Out of my league” is essentially code for “I want her, but she won’t have me”.
3. Definitely testing the waters. Once lingerie is introduced, it’s not his fault if it gets worn. And then if something happens once it’s worn, who could have predicted that? It was just an innocent prank! /s
The “out of my league” thing is seriously such a fucked up thing to tell the gf too. Like “she’s better than you because you are in my league”?? That’s some bullshit.
That's exactly what his plan was! Do inapropriate things under excuse of it being a prank.
He's a coward that doesn't have balls to make a move on Claire and plays these childlish games instead so that he can get away with it in case it doesn't work out. And then gaslights OP into thinking she's the problem
This is it right here! Your guy definitely wants Claire and actively flirts with her to see how far it can take him and plays it off like a joke. The next prank will be ohhh we had sex but we were just joking the entire time. Keep it 💯 and get out and find someone who respects you.
Yeah, I wrote this elsewhere but I (33F) can’t imagine receiving that from a male friend and not being weirded out. It would definitely make me assume some kind of sexual interest/intent from the giver…
If she doesn’t think it’s weird, odds are she’s at least flattered by the interest, if not reciprocating it…
Yeah, I (F) bought my best friend (M) the Borat neon slingshot bathing suit for his 40th birthday. That's a prank. Buying sexy lingerie isn't funny and probably expensive unless it's something tacky off Shein.
Oh yeah, his wife groaned to me like "Ohhhh now you've done it!" (I'm good friends with her too) and several drinks later he came dancing out to the pool area and started swinging his ass in his wife's face. We are not the most mature of adults but at least we know how to laugh!
I once bought my wife lingerie as a joke. She hates the stuff, and I saw a hilarious camouflage set that was the redneck-est thing I’ve ever seen. We both agreed it was hilarious.
I still really wanted to see her in it.
Best case scenario, you're not compatible with this guy. Worst and more likely case, you're a stand-in for the Claire he can't have.
Also, you don't need his permission or agreement to break up.
It's not just about this prank tho. He calls Claire beautiful and says she's out of his league. What decent guy would say this about another woman to his girlfriend? Even if there's nothing going on between them it is so disrespectful to say this to your girlfriend and a huge red flag in my eyes. So what, Claire is out of his league but OP isn't? If my boyfriend said this to me i'd leave
Literally the ‘u will understand when ur older’ here is so … ridiculous? They’re all grown ass adults? It IS weird - why couldn’t it just be a t-shirt? or running shorts/tank top if it needed to be so ‘scandalous’?
These are suppose to be adults. I think there is a lot sexual tension in this group and they ALL suffer from being Peter Pans. Old term for people who never want to grow up.
Frankly I know I’m boring and I suck and all but I’ve never been a fan of pranks (yes I’m a lot of fun at parties) even when I was a child. A bunch of people pushing 30 doing constant pranks? Yikes.
I await a PM from Claire telling me I’ll understand when I’m older.
I turn 28 in October, I’m excited to finally understand the humor in giving another woman (you openly admit you are attracted to) lingerie. I’ll update you all and explain
I'm 70+ and have a huge collection of humorous books and the very word 'prank' has me reaching for an axe.
OP thinks bf and friends are behaving like children. They dismiss her as 'stiff'. No need to decide who's right. Just agree that they are incompatable and move on.
I'm 38 and I don't understand what's going on here, so it's not an age thing. Some pranks are funny, like dumb silly ones are alright in my book; but there's a lot that go wayyyyy too far.
I’m not allowed to play pranks because I don’t know about proper escalation. You put a whoopie cushion in my chair. Your car randomly bursts into flames… I thought it was funny.
To this day I hate my best friends ex who pulled a mean prank on me. I have a good sense of humor. And I love sarcasm. Pranks have a mean streak. You make a fool of someone and then laugh at their expense. Why is this funny?
I’m sorry, setting a boundary for behaviour is what life is about and you don’t outgrow that. If anything I have learned to walk away from people like this, not let them get away with more. She’s a gross pick me girl, he has no boundaries, id be done.
Some people's whole sense of identity and self worth depends entirely on the belief that being older than someone means they are automatically "wiser", and thus correct in everything they do
See: a frightening proportion of baby boomers
The fact that he went to Claire and told her about their argument was so disrespectful, and then for Claire to say that! Like she’s a child because these immature assholes are a whole four years older than her. Gross.
Me too,and I do not get the prank! But I do know that you cannot be important to a guy who secretly lusts after his friend and actually tells you that.
Oh we get the “prank”… I’m just wondering if Claire does. It’s an excuse to hit on the best friend that is “out of his league” with plausible deniability if it gets taken badly.
Oh... she does....she is lapping it up like a contented cat with cream. She enjoys that she is the one! I bet this is not the first gf that she has told that you just do not get it because.....change reason to suit the gf...... yes op needs to be gone this minute!
I initially read that as "you'll get more familiar with him and his style of humour with us as your relationship goes on", but on reflection that may be a bit more generous that it warrants. The relationship is a year and a half old; that's not forever, but it's long enough to know your partner. It's long enough to not need someone telling you that you just don't get his humour.
Another good point you made. What they say to each other is 100% between them, not Claire. She, and everyone else should not be privy to private intimate conversations.
He just did this sharing because he is more intimate in his mind with Clair than you.
BF needs to grow the fuck up.
Time to move on. So sorry, but that's my stance. Yiure better than this and sound like an awesome tolerant person. Time to discover people that respect you. Disrespectful people are easy to come by, as we see here.
Oh, I guess you didn’t know that on the eve of your 27th birthday, a switch goes off in your brain that makes you happy to be a third wheel in your own relationship. By the time you turn 28, your biological defences against inbreeding dissolve. Then you believe that it’s normal for siblings to say they’re way out of each other’s leagues. (“They’re like family.”) You don’t even want to know what happens when you’re 35.
Also I can't help thinking that maybe this isn't a prank on Claire, this is a prank on OP. Her ex said he'd keep her out of the prank war but he sounds about as mature as a toddler so I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if the "prank" was "buy lingerie for another woman to make OP jealous" and THAT'S why they can't explain the so-called joke.
Either way, toxic as hell, and good for OP to stand up for herself and dump him.
Plot twist!
You might be onto something here.
And even if it didn’t start that way I could see them turning around and insisting that they were just pranking her. “You can’t take a joke!”
You peeped that too, huh? That alone would have convinced me to walk. They can continue their weird sexually tense friendship if they want to but I would remove myself.
According to the boyfriend Claire is “cool like that “ and “extremely beautiful” and “ way out of his league” . OP is “too conservative “ and “ needs to open her mind” . If OP gets weirded out , it’s not her fault.
Yeah this part of the story really got me. A woman down playing another women’s discomfort in that way is not okay. Whether Claire is okay with the prank or not she should have respected that OP is not okay with it.
Exactly this… the “you’ll understand when you’re older…” like girl bffr, first off you’re only four years older, it’s not like some astonishing age gap and second the 24 year old is showing a lot more maturity than you!
Exactly this.
All these these comments are like saying, "Sit down, little girl, when you grow up, you'll understand."
BF is disrespectful to you.
Claire has no respect for you.
They will both side with each other over you. So what's the point of yiu being in this picture. BF already admitted he desires Claire by his "she's out of my league" comment, and with that he is also saying, "I'll settle for OP.
All these actions are enough red flags.
OP, YNTA here. This is not about lingerie it's your stance in demanding respect for you and your relationship. BF is still too immature to understand this, so it is him that needs some growing up to do. His actions were respect-line crossing. He's being defensive and double downing on it makes it even worse.
You left because you and your relationship are not being respected. He obviously does not care to salvage it, or he would do something about it. Even if he tries to salvage this later, how would that dynamic change. Apparently he is still too wrapped up in his immature pranks to have any serious relationship. So tell him he needs to grow the fuck up before he even talks to you. Even then, you don't see a future there.
Remember this: all relationships are based on respect. No respect, no relationship.
Sorry, but you did the right thing.
Next time, aim higher.
Yeah it’s real maturity to still be in a prank war at 28 years old.
The prank war is what would make me break up with him, sure there is the promise now that op is stayed out of it, but how long with that last , and when would op get accidentally pranked.
I’m not comfortable with a group of adults in a pranks war, I get anxiety just thinking about possibility of being a subject of the prank or constantly having to be on guard.
Also maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think lingerie should enter into a prank war, there are dozens of items of clothing he could have gotten in red to mess with her . Lingerie in connection to his ’ out of my league’ and she’s so beautiful talk makes it a seriously inappropriate.
>sure there is the promise now that op is stayed out of it, but how long with that last , and when would op get accidentally pranked
I'm wondering if the ex didn't last decide to prank her and this is the prank--*let's make OP jealous by buying sexy lingerie for another woman, won't that be super duper hilarious?*
Nope, it's not, and now the ex gets to learn something new: play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Maybe he'll understand when he's older.
Part of me thinks he hooked up with Claire in the past, but hasnt told OP because he knows she'd rightfully be uncomfortable that he's so close to someone he used to hook up with So he's trying to make her think such a thing is impossible with the "she's out of my league" comments.
I dont think he is cheating with Claire because he'd never be open about the lingerie present if he was. However, he is still disrespectful because by saying Claire is out of his league he is saying OP is not.
Yea this. Like something happened in college and he’s hoping it’ll happen again. It’s not happening cause Claire isn’t interested. But he’s hovering and “pranking” into grey area to hopefully take it somewhere.
If Claire said to him tomorrow, “I can’t hide my feelings any longer, let’s be together” sounds like you’d get dumped there OP.
Especially since she’s in a lame sounding “prank war” with the morons she’s stayed stagnant amongst since college.
Thanks but no thanks for the life advice Gillian Flynn-style “cool girl.”
Yes. I had a boyfriend who did something like this to me once. He had told me once that he had a crush on his best friend's wife 'a long time ago,' and a couple of times, he compared me to her. I broke up with him!
I dated a guy who would pull his best friend thong because “it was joke a joke”. He cheated on me with her. I found out.. his response: “I finally got who I wanted”.
My husband confessed, unprovoked and 100% on his own accord, like a total non sequitur to the conversation we were having, that he had feelings for his female BFF a few months into us dating.
I pumped the brakes on my heart in that moment. Guess I'm still pumping them. She's long gone, but damn, some things can never be taken back, and being third choice in my case is a rotten place to start.
Supposedly, I'm first place now and have been for a while cUZ hE MArrIEd Me. Feels kinda like a consolation prize at that point, especially when he can be downright resentful toward me. It's awful feeling like you'll never be good enough.
Good on you for noping out of that nonsense. I'd advise anybody to do the same.
He's still resentful to you for not being a completely different person? Why are you still with him if he's still making you feel like a consolation prize? I hope he's fantastic to you in literally every other way, cause that sounds miserable
Cause that's what it is, OP is the second choice. If Clair at any point showed interest in being with OP's boyfriend, he would leave OP without the second thought.
This. Even if they are right(they’re not) and it’s just harmless pranks, then there is still a compatibility issue. What’s the future here?
“When you said no pranks at the wedding we thought you just meant no pranks on you.”
NTA.
You’ve done the right thing. If he had a chance with Claire he’d take it.
They sound immature and actually really annoying.
You can and will do better.
>Claire called me and said that she and my bf have been friends for a long time, and 'inside jokes' are just that, and I'll learn with more age.
1. Your bf relayed your concerns with him to his friend, did you agree to this? Or did he betray your confidence.
2.Claire is very condescending, it's clear she doesn't hold you or expect you to hold yourself in equal standing to your partner.
Also Clarie is not even that older than OP. "You'll learn with age"- I really don't think she'd think this is okay in a couple of years. She sounds like they're 20 years her seniors.
Yeah, she’s like 3-4 years older? I have friends with that kind of age gap (not to mention lots of relationships with that age gap that I don’t really think of as age gap relationships, particularly after early 20s). Does she only know people her exact own age?
I think OP has missed a few red flags along the way. The way Claire is talking to OP and the boyfriends beauty comments make me think this is worse than OP has historically thought.
Exactly she talks to you like you were a kid not able to state what make her unconfortable. Communicating your boundaries and expectations to your partner is a mature thing.
Moreover putting dye in a body lotion is indeed a prank. Gifting nice (and probably expensive) underwears is not. Calling it a prank is just a cover for buying his friend lingerie regarding you and her boyfriend. Also is her showing him how it look on her also part of the prank ?!?!?
NTA.
1) He calls her extremely beautiful and says she’s out of his league. In other words, he has a crush on her & he likes her.
2) He bought her lingerie.
3) He calls you are too conservative and you’re overreacting.
No, based on this, you two are not compatible. NTA for breaking up.
NTA. Your boyfriend said he thinks Claire is extremely beautiful and way out of his league. He would not have bought her red, lacy lingerie if he did not think of her in a sexual way. Would he prank one of his guy friends with a sexy G-string? I doubt it.
Even as a prank, buying someone sexy lingerie is suggestive. I would be ticked off by it, too. What's next? A dildo? It's very condescending of Claire to suggest you're just being immature. I'm betting she wouldn't like it if her boyfriend bought that for another woman.
If he had bought a sexy g-string for one of the guys, i would have considered it a prank. But to do that as a man to a woman or vice versa while having a partner is just stupid. Sorry I cant wrap my mind around anyone (ex and his friends) would consider that okay. It's disrespectful as hell and OBVIOUSLY meant suggestively.
No that’s pretty fucked up to give another woman lingerie. And she’s a bitch, playing the age card. Fuck her and fuck him. You need to bail before they fuck, if they haven’t already
What *is* the prank, exactly? That’s not a prank, there’s no joke to buying a woman lingerie. The only way this *maybe* is a prank is if OP’s bf wears it himself and surprises the *entire* friend group with it. And, yeah, fuck them both.
NTA. OP, don’t let them make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong here. Especially her, treating you like you’re too young & stupid to get the prank. Buying another woman lingerie is NOT a prank. Where’s the gag, the joke, what part of that is funny in any way shape or form?
Your bf is 100% into Clare girl and you’ll learn with age is an obnoxious thing to say. Your boundaries were disrespected and I’m glad you know your worth and left.
Here is a normal conversation -
I'm going to buy her lingerie as a prank
I feel uncomfortable about that
Fair enough, I will come up with something that is less personal and risque
This is a great point. Even if he's being bonehead at first, it should have been really easy for him to come around.
If my partner who I respect told me "That's a little personal and intimate, right? Wouldn't want to give anyone the wrong idea, right?" Let me tell you, it would be normal to straighten up right that instant.
> you’ll learn with age is an obnoxious thing to say
It's completely condescending and invalidating, meanwhile there are plenty 25 yearolds in the world with more wisdom and life-experience then half the 45 year olds in the world. It's true your brain matures with age, but some do it faster than others, and plenty of people grow up in such awful situations they have to wiseup young and fast.
He’s told you Claire is out of his league (but… you aren’t?) and that your (valid) feelings about giving another ‘beautiful’ woman lingerie are the problem, instead of actually taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture. You told him this is a deal breaker for you and he’s calling your bluff. I’m not sure if he would continue to say it was a prank if you gave someone you openly found attractive a c*ck ring and set of condoms. Then she massively patronises you saying ‘you’ll get it when you’re older’…. - NTA
Your boyfriend was expecting Claire to take a pic in the lingerie and send it to him to show his prank “failed.” I’m guessing Claire enjoys his creepy crush as a form of validation. All of this screams you should be exorcising these people from your life.
NTA, get out while the getting’s good.
100%
Claire sounds a lot like a girl I know named Brittany.
I had a very similar story that I posted to this sub and OP I feel for you as I can understand what you’re going through.
These types of individuals love the attention they get from their opposite-gendered friends that think they have a chance. Claire will keep him in the friend zone as she thinks she’s the shit. As soon as that friend gets a real girlfriend, the attention is no longer solely on Claire and obviously Claire can’t have that. The girlfriend is then just a threat. I would assume this isn’t the first time you haven’t felt comfortable or welcomed by your ex’s friends.
Let this group of three “friends”, continue to engage in whatever the fuck weird relationship is going on and you move on to better, healthier relationships.
NTA
1. Guys don't buy lingerie as a prank. That shit is expensive. And sexy. If he bought it it's cuz he plans on/knows he's gonna see her in it. Also has he bought any for you?
2. Him saying she's out of his league... he wants her. Bad. You don't say things like that if you're not pining after someone.
3. I think she knows it and I think she likes it. She may or may not want him as a boyfriend but very least she wants his attention. Case in point, she's going along with this prank thing and criticizing you for being immature in typical "pick me" fashion.
4. She couldn't have known about your opinions of this "prank" if he didn't tell her. Which means even if this prank was somehow totally innocent he's still confiding in her about things that should just be between the two of you. He's also triangulating you both against each other. You can't trust a relationship like that. People should be able to turn to whoever they're dating and expect some degree of privacy. Or if he really needed to talk about it with someone it could've been literally anybody other than her.
If they haven't slept together already they will most likely at some point. You have the right idea wanting to break up.
Claire on the other hand is precisely his league. Equally as immature, condescending and gaslighty, they’re a match made in heaven. Honestly I wish them all the best. Let’s see what happens when he gifts another woman a set of lingerie as a jOkE.
They are 28 and still do “prank wars” with water balloons and dye in body wash? She doesn’t get to say you will learn more with age when they are behaving like teenagers. NTA, I personally wouldn’t necessarily see the lingerie as a problem alone, but combined with the past comments about her being out of his league and extremely beautiful, it gets weird. You definitely need to find someone that listens to your feelings and doesn’t dismiss them.
Claire succcckkkks. Her comment makes her sound like a toddler. You were dead on wondering out loud if it would be something that would make another woman uncomfortable. It was a fair concern, a gift like that from one of my male friends would creep me tf out. Sounds like you’re the only mature reasonable one of this lot. Bf sounds like a jerk not listening when you had a concern and invalidating the shit out of you. You can do better. Trust yourself.
I think your boyfriend wants two things here.
Claire, who is out of his league.
And plausible deniability for buying her lingerie under the guise of it being an inside joke.
And here’s the thing about an inside joke. Like everything else it can be explained. The person not involved might not find it funny but at least they understand it.
“Apparently, it’s an inside joke about how during their college she had some problems with the colour red, and the lingerie would have given her some shock of some kind I guess?“
That doesn’t even make sense.
Claire is cool like that.
Claire is extremely beautiful.
You on the other hand are overreacting.
You are too conservative.
You need to open your mind.
You are insecure.
You are the problem.
Well, I think it’s pretty clear who he likes better.
NTA The fact that they can’t explain the “inside joke” means it is probably also of a sexual nature. I think something happened between them in the past regarding lingerie. They have some kind of sexual history that they know if they tell you about then you will leave. You should leave anyway. Their weird sexual tension will continue to interfere in your relationship.
NTA
It’s weird and I wouldn’t stand for my husband buying a woman lingerie at any point in our relationship.
As for Claire telling you pretty much that you need to grow up but is playing prank wars and having water balloon fight with two men she isn’t in a relationship is actually laughable. I think the whole group needs to grow up, they aren’t teens anymore.
Your boyfriend is an insensitive prick who clearly is still too caught up in his childhood days with his childhood friends.
The fact he reacted the way he did when you told him how you felt and the fact he is constantly saying how beautiful the woman is and out of his league is a clear sign that you need to be out of that relationship before a baby gets added to the mix. He isn’t going to change if he still behaves like a child and as for you saying you are “stiff” I don’t believe any woman would be happy with her man buying lingerie and talking about another woman the way yours does.
Also it sounds like you guys might not be so compatible with each other but that doesn’t give a reason to how he is acting.
You will meet someone who you are compatible with and who you can feel safe with in the relationship.
Someone who hasn't got out of the frat house mentality really shouldn't comment on someone else's maturity.
How you could have tolerated that bunch of children this long is baffling. NTA for breaking up.
You hardly have an age difference at all. This is not: something you would “learn with more age,” that makes no sense.
This is: she wants your boyfriend, he does not have proper boundaries, and buying lingerie that actually FITS HER is not a prank nor is it appropriate for someone in a relationship
ETA, not TAH. he is.
You are young. You already know your worth and won’t play second fiddle. If your bf and Claire had half the sense you have, they would have learned leaving your bf is the right move back when they were your age.
Also, Claire is an idiot. Your boyfriend is simping for her.
Tell Claire that even with “more” age, she doesn’t have your clarity or self worth. Tell your boyfriend to fuck off.
Break up and enjoy your single life for a while before getting into anything serious. All the best.
I’m proud of you, OP. This is refreshing to read because I usually come across posts like, “My husband/bf almost killed me but he is so kind and I love him. Should I divorce him?”
Kudos to you.
NTA. You aren’t blowing this out of proportion. How is buying lingerie and putting it in someone’s room a prank? “You’ll learn with age” - there’s a 4 year difference between you and Claire. Does she think in 4 years you’ll somehow think buying lingerie is acceptable and somehow can be considered a prank. Girl, I’m in my 40’s and I can tell you right now, that would never be an acceptable Inside joke or prank. And you bf telling you you’re the problem “because he didn’t hide it” from you is just plain trying to manipulate/gaslight you. You don’t need him to agree to dump his ass. You deserve better. Drop him and f**k Claire too (not literally!)
I mean… if she fucked Claire, it would be a boss bitch move
This. I was thinking the same thing. “You’ll learn with age”??? I’m almost 30 years old, I would not think to tell someone who only 5 years younger than me that they’ll learn something with age, that’s fucking weird and condescending as fuck. OP is NTA but she definitely needs to dump this tool and his entire friend group asap.
"learn with age" is CLEARLY a shitty condescending comment towards OP. And there's nothing in the post saying her bf stood up for her, either. I'm almost 40 and I don't understand the lingerie prank except to assume Claire had some period sex issues.. if that's the case then.. idk, kinda gross, but it has zero to do with age. What a witch
>Claire called me and said that she and my bf have been friends for a long time, and 'inside jokes' are just that, and I'll learn with more age. Tell Claire boundaries exist, and adults respect boundaries. But it's okay if they don't understand, they'll learn with age.
I had this happen almost word for word when my ex's ex (who he was still friends with, she lived quite a distance away) was coming over to stay the weekend. She made a joke to him asking if she needed to bring any blankets with her or "if he would keep her warm". He thought it was weird/inappropriate so told me about it right away, we both agreed it wasnt ok- then when he confronted her about it, he told her "Dancecomander thinks youre trying to sleep with me, i dont but.... ?". Completely threw me under the fucking bus. She then turned it around into, when he used to live at his grandmothers and she would stay with him there, she had to bring extra blankets because she was always cold. So she was just making a cheeky little joke off that, nothing was meant by it, theyve been friends longer than hes even known me and she doesnt have to explain herself and neither should he. That theyre adults and just friends who can make jokes. My discomfort was completely ignored by both of them after that, and i was reduced to just being jealous, because he "that wasnt what she meant, and even if it was he would never sleep with her". The mental gymnastics people do when called out on inappropriate behaviour is just disgusting.
Shoulda dumped ice water on that bitch in her sleep. If they were exes, they likely fucked at some point and her hitting on your man while you have opened your home to her is so icky. Clearly she hadn't moved on. I am happy for you that he is your ex now.
Wow, how condescending was Claire???? NTA and she just confirmed it.
Claire knows the ex is in love with her and feeds off it. The ex enjoys her attention, too. Not a situation to bring a girlfriend into, ever.
This 100%. He’s waiting for the day Claire picks him.
Which she won’t, so he’s just screening himself out of ever having a happy long term romantic relationship.
Exactly esp him claiming she’s out of his league and extremely beautiful?! That’s desperate AF
That was the nail in the coffin in my opinion. That would have been the moment I would have had to take a step back. Because that means he got friend zoned and accepted friendship to maintain access to Claire in the hopes that she’d have him later on. 🙄
This ^ I can't let that one go, I've been in that kind of situation before and said some stuff similar you op are not the ah
Right! "She will learn more with age"....girl, you are 4 years older than OP, not 40 years. Get out of here with that condescension.
This! Learn with age? I'm sorry I thought we matured with age not become more childish!
Right? The irony that some 28 year olds in a childish prank war, holding on to college days, telling someone only 4 years younger she'll 'learn with age' is just laughable.
It's really cringe. I couldn't imagine saying something so stupid to someone unless I wanted to piss them off but it's a double edged sword because the person saying it would be such a tool lmao
Claire is being extremely manipulative
That made me want to flip a table in OP's honor. But it's my table, and there is a big glass of water on it.
Yep, that comment was what sold this situation as too fucked for the OP to waste their time. Something you actually learn with age is to let people resolved their own issues. Claire calling to tell OP to grow up proves these people have boundary issues.
Right- these “pranks” are weird like I genuinely don’t know anyone who does stupid shit like that after college. We don’t find things literal children do funny or cute. But maybe that’s bc we don’t have time to be thinking about water balloons and whipped cream.
Yup. Claire friendzoned OPs boyfriend and OP is the person he had to settle for. The prank is just a cover for the boyfriend to give Claire a gift, whether Claire would be aware of it or not, in hopes that she would initiate a certain type of conversation and move it on from there, and if she didn't, it would just be played off as a joke. The explanation from the boyfriend about what the joke was makes absolutely no sense. Claire has a thing about the color red, so he's gifting her red lingerie to shock her? That's the biggest load of horseshit I've ever read lol. Claire's comment about OP understanding more with age was deliberately condescending and demeaning. Claire probably enjoys the fact that OPs boyfriend pines after her, but she keeps him at a safe enough distance to where she gets only the amount of attention she is comfortable with without having to make any commitments. As for OPs boyfriend, he thinks just because he told his GF about the prank and explained how it worked means that he's in the clear and shouldn't be held accountable for OPs insecurity with the situation. He did this to cover his ass in advance in case his plan worked and Claire initiated the conversation that he's hoping she would. He didn't want to get called out for giving her such a brazen gift and making such a bold move while having a girlfriend so he is doing it under the protection of it being one of the pranks, especially if it didn't go the way he wanted it to and Claire didn't take the bait. I'm willing to bet that his audacity to even do this was triggered in part by Claire, at the very least, leading him on, or at worst, entertaining him and actively flirting with him. Otherwise, someone who is in the friendzone, unless they are unwell and obsessed, isn't going to feel comfortable doing such a thing. The fact that he is comfortable doing this speaks volumes. Worst case scenario is they have an active affair and this is their cover story for in case OP were to discover the lingerie or its purchase receipt, so they came up with this plan to "let her know" in advance. Either way, OPs gut says something is wrong. And regardless of what she knows for certain, she is safest sticking with her gut no matter what. But I think everyone else here would agree that something shady is going on with Claire and the boyfriend, or at the very least just the boyfriend. He's definitely in love with Claire and OP is what he settled for. She'll always compare herself to Claire as long as she's with him. And she'll always find ways to throw in OPs face how they have a dynamic that OP just will not understand. Even if OP were to mature and still be dating at Claire's age that she is now, Claire would still find a way to make OP feel like she's too young to understand their relationship.
Yeah like the whole “inside jokes you don’t understand” and “iT WiLl C0mE wItH aGe” my ass
*--admit, I get a bit weirded out when he calls Claire 'extremely beautiful' and* ***jokes about how she was always -- been 'way out of his league'.*** The bolded part is pretty dodgy. Also, at 28 these endless pranks is pretty childish, what a cheek to patronise you. NTA, I'd be moving on personally, meet a man, not a silly little boy who seems to be in love/lust with his "friend".
This. The only reason he isn't fucking Claire is because she friendzoned him.
Why do we think he *isn't* fucking Claire? I think it's big time alarming that they're both aggressively "reassuring" OP and getting super defensive about this. If OP was respected at all they'd just be like "oh ok maybe no lingerie for Claire" instead of fighting her about it and acting like she's a kid for being mad about this.
Thank you for catching that. My ex had a friend who tagged him on a sexual joke. He showed me and thought I'd laugh along. I told him that was disrespectful to me, him, and our relationship. I also had never heard of this friend before, who all of a sudden was a "very good friend who is loyal." They had dated years before he and I met, and he said he knew they weren't compatible, so he cut it off after 2 months. I told him I wasn't comfortable with their friendship, that I felt they had unfinished business. He even had her call me to say she had no romantic feelings for him. Well, the day I went back to the apartment I shared with my ex to pick up my belongings after I broke up with him, I got a text as soon as I left the building. It said, "Finally! Good riddance! He's all mine now." They deserve each other. I hope they're making each other miserable.
Bitch!!!!! That was a horrible thing to do. Even for a side ho.
🤣🤣🤣 you made me crack up! Yeah, she stayed on the sidelines waiting to replace me. When she sent that tacky text, I responded with, "He's all yours ❤️." I know it pissed her off because she thought I'd go back and forth over a man I clearly no longer wanted. She's the dummy for thinking I was going to miss a man I left.
And men wonder why we don’t trust them. Good for you. I just left my husband of 6 years as well because he was doing stupid shit too.
Congratulations to you and regaining your peace!
Omg I’m so so sorry
Thank you - I'm just happy I saw the truth and left him.
Yes, the aggressive reassure is a HUGE red flag. It should have made him respond "I'm so sorry, I didn't realise how disrespectful this was to you and our relationship, you're right" not anger and a fight. NTA OP. I'd be moving on, you deserve much better.
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Which is probably why she’s quick to defend him; so she doesn’t have to keep rejecting him.
Or maybe to keep the attention coming from him. Instead of telling him he’s a creep years ago, she downplays the flirting and gaslights OP. Claire won’t tell him to stop, she enjoys being his long-time “favourite” too much.
Or even the idea that he has a girlfriend but is still secretly pining for her instead of being satisfied with what he has.
She didn’t friendzone him. He fuckzoned Claire.
Or, worse, they have and that's the only way to keep her around with OP. Gaslighting 101
The only person I tell my wife that I think is out of my league is her.
FYI I think Reddit formatting is messing you up. Italic is an asterisk, text then another asterick. Bold is 2 asterisks, text then two more. You can also use > for quotes by placing it before whatever you want to quote > then it looks like this
This is the most helpful comment I've ever seen on reddit. Thank you
Was gonna say, I feel like as I get older these pranks feel more childish and need to be left in the past, not become stronger. What a stupid thing to say
Yes. And given that, it seems extra insulting for Claire to say OP would get it "with age". It's not childish to have boundaries in a relationship. It's childish to prank someone with lingerie (tee hee! how shocking!) based on a joke from college. It's also childish to double down and insist on giving another woman lingerie when your gf says she isn't comfortable. Just do something else, dude.
Reminds me of when guys keep trying to “test the waters” until their female so-called-friend finally agrees to fuck them. It’s really gross, desperate, and loser-ish behavior. Hope OP leaves him for someone more mature and can be more honest about his feelings.
My ex fiance was gifted lingerie on friendship day by her male best friend. I was extremely uncomfortable. We later broke up due to the fact it turns out he escalated it to sex at some point afterwards. As a man: no man buys a woman underwear unless he wants to see her in it. You don’t buy sexy lingerie as a joke gift. The “prank war” is just an excuse that gives him deniability because he is a coward. Sounds to me like you struck to close to the truth for his comfort and he is shocked his perfect deniability plan didn’t work.
This ⬆️!!!! How is giving lingerie even a prank?!? He was absolutely testing boundaries with both of you. It’s so disrespectful to you. Claire’s response is very telling. She knows he wants her and she likes the attention. If she said she wanted him, you can bet he’d dump you in heartbeat. Good for you for having self respect and moving on from someone who clearly is using a prank as a way to let Claire know he’s thinking about her wearing the lingerie. Edit: to you recent edit that it’s an inside joke about the color red. That is such bullshit. He’s gaslighting you. So if it’s about the color then why does it have to be lingerie? He could have literally anything else in the color red but he chose lingerie. If this inside joke sounds convoluted that’s because it is. Their excuses make no sense and when that happens then someone is lying.
Yeah i don't get which part of this prank is even supposed to be funny. Genuinely. What's funny about gifting someone lingerie? He is definitely just testing boundaries. He even said Claire was out of his league which in my eyes means that he is interested in her but the only reason he isn't with her is cause he can't pull her off. So this "prank" can be his attempt at making a move on her while making it seem "innocent" and playful. What a douche.
It's an inside joke... You'll understand more with age 🙄
I’m confused because OP writes that the boyfriend said the inside joke was about the color red, and Claire said “the lingerie thing” is a collage joke. Unless they didn’t really word it that way, with BF saying red and Claire saying lingerie. If they did, then which is it? Sounds like the joke is really about *what* he’s buying her, not the color of it. So why do they have an inside joke about lingerie? And Claire sounds condescending af. Either way if the issue is enough to make op feel like breaking up, then it’s enough of an issue. Period. Because either it is as big of a problem as she feels it is, or she’s not invested enough in the guy in the first place. I don’t think this is a small issue though, because it’s friggin weird to buy your friend lingerie.
Judging by how immature her boyfriend sounds, I think the joke is something like, hey remember when you were wearing that red lingerie at that college party and we F***'D?! HAHAHA remember?! Inside jokey, joke.
That's the vibe i was getting too
Riiiiight! It's just the "adult" stuff so i wouldn't get it
And not let her in on what actually happened back in college that made this so funny! So OP is also supposed to accept they keep secrets between themselves…
An inside joke that he sticks it inside her.
I must be slow, I'm older than Claire and still don't get the joke.
I think the fact that she hasn't been brought into the joke is a$$holery, in itself. She doesn't have to be a prankster to not be excluded from something that everyone else apparently knows. It's just more subtle\\not so subtle gaslighting and hierarchy games.
yeah, her bf should've actually explained the joke by now, and it doesn't sounds like anyone has really explained it. some of my friend group have been friends well before the rest of us joined the group; if an inside joke comes up, they explain it to us.
I accepted so much stank behavior from partners in my younger days because I wanted to be “the cool girl” that would never overreact and prove I was so chill and not jealous about anything. I had an ex that used to love to laugh and say “a woman can snap on you at any time.” And you best believe that was the line he’d pull out to mock me if I dared call foul on any behavior. And I tried so hard to not be the “snapping” woman. It makes me sad seeing OP being treated like she’s nuts and questioning herself like this.
Seriously what is the prank? She was “accidentally” going to wear it and walk out with it? A stalker broke in and left her a gift? Makes zero sense.
Yeah! And then she will prank him back by *accidentaly* falling on his dick. Don't you get it?? It's funny! /s
Yeah I love how often that happens! Me, I have to actually do something to have sex, guess I am not adult enough.....60s is too young, lol!
Yeah no you're still too green, sorry :( give it another year or two and then you'll understand these "adult" things
It's a "prank" because the lingerie was red. Claire has a problem with the color red. Come on, you'll understand it when you get older...and Claire is engaged to your ex-BF!
Exactly my thoughts. 1. Don’t get how it could be construed as a prank. Not funny, similar to other pranks mentioned, and much more costly. 2. “Out of my league” is essentially code for “I want her, but she won’t have me”. 3. Definitely testing the waters. Once lingerie is introduced, it’s not his fault if it gets worn. And then if something happens once it’s worn, who could have predicted that? It was just an innocent prank! /s
The “out of my league” thing is seriously such a fucked up thing to tell the gf too. Like “she’s better than you because you are in my league”?? That’s some bullshit.
That's exactly what his plan was! Do inapropriate things under excuse of it being a prank. He's a coward that doesn't have balls to make a move on Claire and plays these childlish games instead so that he can get away with it in case it doesn't work out. And then gaslights OP into thinking she's the problem
But it’s red…. You’ll get it when you are older… /s
It's red, just like the flags waving all over the place.
This is it right here! Your guy definitely wants Claire and actively flirts with her to see how far it can take him and plays it off like a joke. The next prank will be ohhh we had sex but we were just joking the entire time. Keep it 💯 and get out and find someone who respects you.
>we had sex but we were just joking the entire time I gotta get me some prankster friends.
Yeah, I wrote this elsewhere but I (33F) can’t imagine receiving that from a male friend and not being weirded out. It would definitely make me assume some kind of sexual interest/intent from the giver… If she doesn’t think it’s weird, odds are she’s at least flattered by the interest, if not reciprocating it…
Yeah, I (F) bought my best friend (M) the Borat neon slingshot bathing suit for his 40th birthday. That's a prank. Buying sexy lingerie isn't funny and probably expensive unless it's something tacky off Shein.
If my female best friend gave me the Borat swimsuit, she’s definitely seeing me in it, whether she wants to or not! She started it!!
Oh yeah, his wife groaned to me like "Ohhhh now you've done it!" (I'm good friends with her too) and several drinks later he came dancing out to the pool area and started swinging his ass in his wife's face. We are not the most mature of adults but at least we know how to laugh!
I got that for my friend for his wedding night, and that sick son of a bitch wore it!
I once bought my wife lingerie as a joke. She hates the stuff, and I saw a hilarious camouflage set that was the redneck-est thing I’ve ever seen. We both agreed it was hilarious. I still really wanted to see her in it.
Next he's gonna suck her titties and say it's just a prank 💀
Cause her nipples are red...she has a problem with the color red, get it!!
You absolutely nailed this. ALL of this is just a cover for the fact he wants to sexualise his "friend".
Best case scenario, you're not compatible with this guy. Worst and more likely case, you're a stand-in for the Claire he can't have. Also, you don't need his permission or agreement to break up.
It's not just about this prank tho. He calls Claire beautiful and says she's out of his league. What decent guy would say this about another woman to his girlfriend? Even if there's nothing going on between them it is so disrespectful to say this to your girlfriend and a huge red flag in my eyes. So what, Claire is out of his league but OP isn't? If my boyfriend said this to me i'd leave
Also Claire telling her that she’ll understand when she’s older. How condescending. I wonder if the boyfriend also looks down on her as well.
Literally the ‘u will understand when ur older’ here is so … ridiculous? They’re all grown ass adults? It IS weird - why couldn’t it just be a t-shirt? or running shorts/tank top if it needed to be so ‘scandalous’?
These are suppose to be adults. I think there is a lot sexual tension in this group and they ALL suffer from being Peter Pans. Old term for people who never want to grow up.
Frankly I know I’m boring and I suck and all but I’ve never been a fan of pranks (yes I’m a lot of fun at parties) even when I was a child. A bunch of people pushing 30 doing constant pranks? Yikes. I await a PM from Claire telling me I’ll understand when I’m older.
I turn 28 in October, I’m excited to finally understand the humor in giving another woman (you openly admit you are attracted to) lingerie. I’ll update you all and explain
I cannot wait for this update!
Turned 28 last October, I still don’t get it
I'm 29 and I still don't get it lol
46 year old woman married for the past 20 years, and I don't get it either.
I'm 70+ and have a huge collection of humorous books and the very word 'prank' has me reaching for an axe. OP thinks bf and friends are behaving like children. They dismiss her as 'stiff'. No need to decide who's right. Just agree that they are incompatable and move on.
I'm 38 and I don't understand what's going on here, so it's not an age thing. Some pranks are funny, like dumb silly ones are alright in my book; but there's a lot that go wayyyyy too far.
I’m not allowed to play pranks because I don’t know about proper escalation. You put a whoopie cushion in my chair. Your car randomly bursts into flames… I thought it was funny.
Ok I know I just said I don’t like pranks but this actually does sound pretty funny.
I fucking hate pranks. At the bottom of them, there’s always cruelty.
Or serious flirtation. I think that’s what’s happening here….sexual tension and flirting.
This is why I dislike them. I’ve seen very few pranks where I legit thought there wasn’t a kernel of cruelty.
To this day I hate my best friends ex who pulled a mean prank on me. I have a good sense of humor. And I love sarcasm. Pranks have a mean streak. You make a fool of someone and then laugh at their expense. Why is this funny?
Exactly, it's weird behavior.. definitely sexual tension they are not admitting to or acknowledging
Joke’s on them. This 24 year old just showed she’s way more mature than these goofy pranksters.
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Good point, if being "red" is the problem any of those would work!!....
I thought that comment “you will understand when your older” was out of line
Yep. Kinda makes it seem like they "tolerate" OP even though she's young. How kind of the grown ass people doing a series of pranks 🙄
That wouldve sealed it for my obstinate ass
I’m sorry, setting a boundary for behaviour is what life is about and you don’t outgrow that. If anything I have learned to walk away from people like this, not let them get away with more. She’s a gross pick me girl, he has no boundaries, id be done.
right, they're 24 and 28. older? good lord. did Claire say that with a straight face?
an Elmo onesie. Red and potentially terrifying 😂
My mum used to say that shit when I was 10. And it wasn’t true then either.
Some people's whole sense of identity and self worth depends entirely on the belief that being older than someone means they are automatically "wiser", and thus correct in everything they do See: a frightening proportion of baby boomers
The fact that he went to Claire and told her about their argument was so disrespectful, and then for Claire to say that! Like she’s a child because these immature assholes are a whole four years older than her. Gross.
It’s also kind of ironic, considering that the two of them are playing childish pranks on one another.
You're just too young to get those games yk... *you'll understand one day when you get older.*
😂 except I’m in my 60’s now!
Me too,and I do not get the prank! But I do know that you cannot be important to a guy who secretly lusts after his friend and actually tells you that.
Oh we get the “prank”… I’m just wondering if Claire does. It’s an excuse to hit on the best friend that is “out of his league” with plausible deniability if it gets taken badly.
Oh... she does....she is lapping it up like a contented cat with cream. She enjoys that she is the one! I bet this is not the first gf that she has told that you just do not get it because.....change reason to suit the gf...... yes op needs to be gone this minute!
I initially read that as "you'll get more familiar with him and his style of humour with us as your relationship goes on", but on reflection that may be a bit more generous that it warrants. The relationship is a year and a half old; that's not forever, but it's long enough to know your partner. It's long enough to not need someone telling you that you just don't get his humour.
Yeah but OP is just SUCH a child at 24 to their 28. I mean someone get her a sippy cup.
My ex used to always go to his "best friend" when we had a fight and use "she is on my side" as an agument against me. It really was toxic.
Another good point you made. What they say to each other is 100% between them, not Claire. She, and everyone else should not be privy to private intimate conversations. He just did this sharing because he is more intimate in his mind with Clair than you. BF needs to grow the fuck up. Time to move on. So sorry, but that's my stance. Yiure better than this and sound like an awesome tolerant person. Time to discover people that respect you. Disrespectful people are easy to come by, as we see here.
Oh, I guess you didn’t know that on the eve of your 27th birthday, a switch goes off in your brain that makes you happy to be a third wheel in your own relationship. By the time you turn 28, your biological defences against inbreeding dissolve. Then you believe that it’s normal for siblings to say they’re way out of each other’s leagues. (“They’re like family.”) You don’t even want to know what happens when you’re 35.
Yuuuuup. Couple fights are to be worked out between the couple…. Not to go tell your female friend to tag in and give her opinions on the issue….
Right, like, I got dude friends and if one of them came at me with this nonsense I'd ask him what the fuck is wrong with him.
I love how the woman who gets into prank wars implied OP was too immature to understand a prank. Like wtf?
Also I can't help thinking that maybe this isn't a prank on Claire, this is a prank on OP. Her ex said he'd keep her out of the prank war but he sounds about as mature as a toddler so I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if the "prank" was "buy lingerie for another woman to make OP jealous" and THAT'S why they can't explain the so-called joke. Either way, toxic as hell, and good for OP to stand up for herself and dump him.
Plot twist! You might be onto something here. And even if it didn’t start that way I could see them turning around and insisting that they were just pranking her. “You can’t take a joke!”
You peeped that too, huh? That alone would have convinced me to walk. They can continue their weird sexually tense friendship if they want to but I would remove myself.
According to the boyfriend Claire is “cool like that “ and “extremely beautiful” and “ way out of his league” . OP is “too conservative “ and “ needs to open her mind” . If OP gets weirded out , it’s not her fault.
I got very Gone Girl vibes from the “cool like that” comment.
Yeah, any reasonable person would feel like they're playing second fiddle to Claire after comments like that. I hope OP gets out.
Yes. That snide comment from Claire would be the thing that confirmed the breakup was necessary to me
Yeah this part of the story really got me. A woman down playing another women’s discomfort in that way is not okay. Whether Claire is okay with the prank or not she should have respected that OP is not okay with it.
Exactly this… the “you’ll understand when you’re older…” like girl bffr, first off you’re only four years older, it’s not like some astonishing age gap and second the 24 year old is showing a lot more maturity than you!
But also... 28 vs 24... Not much of an age gap to develop the "wisdom" Claire believes that OP lacks. Lol. That part gave me a laugh.
Exactly this. All these these comments are like saying, "Sit down, little girl, when you grow up, you'll understand." BF is disrespectful to you. Claire has no respect for you. They will both side with each other over you. So what's the point of yiu being in this picture. BF already admitted he desires Claire by his "she's out of my league" comment, and with that he is also saying, "I'll settle for OP. All these actions are enough red flags. OP, YNTA here. This is not about lingerie it's your stance in demanding respect for you and your relationship. BF is still too immature to understand this, so it is him that needs some growing up to do. His actions were respect-line crossing. He's being defensive and double downing on it makes it even worse. You left because you and your relationship are not being respected. He obviously does not care to salvage it, or he would do something about it. Even if he tries to salvage this later, how would that dynamic change. Apparently he is still too wrapped up in his immature pranks to have any serious relationship. So tell him he needs to grow the fuck up before he even talks to you. Even then, you don't see a future there. Remember this: all relationships are based on respect. No respect, no relationship. Sorry, but you did the right thing. Next time, aim higher.
Yeah it’s real maturity to still be in a prank war at 28 years old. The prank war is what would make me break up with him, sure there is the promise now that op is stayed out of it, but how long with that last , and when would op get accidentally pranked. I’m not comfortable with a group of adults in a pranks war, I get anxiety just thinking about possibility of being a subject of the prank or constantly having to be on guard. Also maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think lingerie should enter into a prank war, there are dozens of items of clothing he could have gotten in red to mess with her . Lingerie in connection to his ’ out of my league’ and she’s so beautiful talk makes it a seriously inappropriate.
>sure there is the promise now that op is stayed out of it, but how long with that last , and when would op get accidentally pranked I'm wondering if the ex didn't last decide to prank her and this is the prank--*let's make OP jealous by buying sexy lingerie for another woman, won't that be super duper hilarious?* Nope, it's not, and now the ex gets to learn something new: play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Maybe he'll understand when he's older.
I went back to have a look at their ages to see if she’s a decade younger or more. It’s 4 years. That’s barely noticeable once you’re an adult.
And it was only a four year difference....
Part of me thinks he hooked up with Claire in the past, but hasnt told OP because he knows she'd rightfully be uncomfortable that he's so close to someone he used to hook up with So he's trying to make her think such a thing is impossible with the "she's out of my league" comments. I dont think he is cheating with Claire because he'd never be open about the lingerie present if he was. However, he is still disrespectful because by saying Claire is out of his league he is saying OP is not.
Yea this. Like something happened in college and he’s hoping it’ll happen again. It’s not happening cause Claire isn’t interested. But he’s hovering and “pranking” into grey area to hopefully take it somewhere. If Claire said to him tomorrow, “I can’t hide my feelings any longer, let’s be together” sounds like you’d get dumped there OP.
Claire telling her she would 'learn with age' is also hella disrespectful.
And you KNOW that conversation has been had between Claire and BF
Especially since she’s in a lame sounding “prank war” with the morons she’s stayed stagnant amongst since college. Thanks but no thanks for the life advice Gillian Flynn-style “cool girl.”
Yes. I had a boyfriend who did something like this to me once. He had told me once that he had a crush on his best friend's wife 'a long time ago,' and a couple of times, he compared me to her. I broke up with him!
As you should girl, no one deserves to be treated like that and to be someone's second choice.
I dated a guy who would pull his best friend thong because “it was joke a joke”. He cheated on me with her. I found out.. his response: “I finally got who I wanted”.
“I finally got who I deserved.” Fixed it for him.
My husband confessed, unprovoked and 100% on his own accord, like a total non sequitur to the conversation we were having, that he had feelings for his female BFF a few months into us dating. I pumped the brakes on my heart in that moment. Guess I'm still pumping them. She's long gone, but damn, some things can never be taken back, and being third choice in my case is a rotten place to start. Supposedly, I'm first place now and have been for a while cUZ hE MArrIEd Me. Feels kinda like a consolation prize at that point, especially when he can be downright resentful toward me. It's awful feeling like you'll never be good enough. Good on you for noping out of that nonsense. I'd advise anybody to do the same.
He's still resentful to you for not being a completely different person? Why are you still with him if he's still making you feel like a consolation prize? I hope he's fantastic to you in literally every other way, cause that sounds miserable
He’s in love with another woman. I’d block him and never talk to him again for putting you through that. He’s an AH.
I agree, I could never imagine *finding* someone else "out of my league", let alone saying it to my husband.
It would make me feel like a 2nd choice
Cause that's what it is, OP is the second choice. If Clair at any point showed interest in being with OP's boyfriend, he would leave OP without the second thought.
This. Even if they are right(they’re not) and it’s just harmless pranks, then there is still a compatibility issue. What’s the future here? “When you said no pranks at the wedding we thought you just meant no pranks on you.”
NTA. You’ve done the right thing. If he had a chance with Claire he’d take it. They sound immature and actually really annoying. You can and will do better.
>Claire called me and said that she and my bf have been friends for a long time, and 'inside jokes' are just that, and I'll learn with more age. 1. Your bf relayed your concerns with him to his friend, did you agree to this? Or did he betray your confidence. 2.Claire is very condescending, it's clear she doesn't hold you or expect you to hold yourself in equal standing to your partner.
Right? You'll learn with age, bitch gtfo
Correct wording!!!
Also Clarie is not even that older than OP. "You'll learn with age"- I really don't think she'd think this is okay in a couple of years. She sounds like they're 20 years her seniors.
Yeah, she’s like 3-4 years older? I have friends with that kind of age gap (not to mention lots of relationships with that age gap that I don’t really think of as age gap relationships, particularly after early 20s). Does she only know people her exact own age?
I think OP has missed a few red flags along the way. The way Claire is talking to OP and the boyfriends beauty comments make me think this is worse than OP has historically thought.
I'm 10 years Claire's senior, and still don't get what's supposed to be funny about that 🙄
Exactly she talks to you like you were a kid not able to state what make her unconfortable. Communicating your boundaries and expectations to your partner is a mature thing. Moreover putting dye in a body lotion is indeed a prank. Gifting nice (and probably expensive) underwears is not. Calling it a prank is just a cover for buying his friend lingerie regarding you and her boyfriend. Also is her showing him how it look on her also part of the prank ?!?!?
NTA. 1) He calls her extremely beautiful and says she’s out of his league. In other words, he has a crush on her & he likes her. 2) He bought her lingerie. 3) He calls you are too conservative and you’re overreacting. No, based on this, you two are not compatible. NTA for breaking up.
NTA. Your boyfriend said he thinks Claire is extremely beautiful and way out of his league. He would not have bought her red, lacy lingerie if he did not think of her in a sexual way. Would he prank one of his guy friends with a sexy G-string? I doubt it. Even as a prank, buying someone sexy lingerie is suggestive. I would be ticked off by it, too. What's next? A dildo? It's very condescending of Claire to suggest you're just being immature. I'm betting she wouldn't like it if her boyfriend bought that for another woman.
If he had bought a sexy g-string for one of the guys, i would have considered it a prank. But to do that as a man to a woman or vice versa while having a partner is just stupid. Sorry I cant wrap my mind around anyone (ex and his friends) would consider that okay. It's disrespectful as hell and OBVIOUSLY meant suggestively.
No that’s pretty fucked up to give another woman lingerie. And she’s a bitch, playing the age card. Fuck her and fuck him. You need to bail before they fuck, if they haven’t already
What *is* the prank, exactly? That’s not a prank, there’s no joke to buying a woman lingerie. The only way this *maybe* is a prank is if OP’s bf wears it himself and surprises the *entire* friend group with it. And, yeah, fuck them both. NTA. OP, don’t let them make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong here. Especially her, treating you like you’re too young & stupid to get the prank. Buying another woman lingerie is NOT a prank. Where’s the gag, the joke, what part of that is funny in any way shape or form?
It would have been funnier if it was for the guy. When you buy something like that, you kind of picture them wearing it.
Your bf is 100% into Clare girl and you’ll learn with age is an obnoxious thing to say. Your boundaries were disrespected and I’m glad you know your worth and left.
Here is a normal conversation - I'm going to buy her lingerie as a prank I feel uncomfortable about that Fair enough, I will come up with something that is less personal and risque
This is a great point. Even if he's being bonehead at first, it should have been really easy for him to come around. If my partner who I respect told me "That's a little personal and intimate, right? Wouldn't want to give anyone the wrong idea, right?" Let me tell you, it would be normal to straighten up right that instant.
> you’ll learn with age is an obnoxious thing to say It's completely condescending and invalidating, meanwhile there are plenty 25 yearolds in the world with more wisdom and life-experience then half the 45 year olds in the world. It's true your brain matures with age, but some do it faster than others, and plenty of people grow up in such awful situations they have to wiseup young and fast.
He’s told you Claire is out of his league (but… you aren’t?) and that your (valid) feelings about giving another ‘beautiful’ woman lingerie are the problem, instead of actually taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture. You told him this is a deal breaker for you and he’s calling your bluff. I’m not sure if he would continue to say it was a prank if you gave someone you openly found attractive a c*ck ring and set of condoms. Then she massively patronises you saying ‘you’ll get it when you’re older’…. - NTA
So, Claire thinks YOU need to mature more…while she’s engaging in water balloon fights with her friends? NTA
NTA. Find a man who isn’t waiting for a chance with the attractive female who friend zoned him.
Your boyfriend was expecting Claire to take a pic in the lingerie and send it to him to show his prank “failed.” I’m guessing Claire enjoys his creepy crush as a form of validation. All of this screams you should be exorcising these people from your life. NTA, get out while the getting’s good.
I think Claire is loving this
100% Claire sounds a lot like a girl I know named Brittany. I had a very similar story that I posted to this sub and OP I feel for you as I can understand what you’re going through. These types of individuals love the attention they get from their opposite-gendered friends that think they have a chance. Claire will keep him in the friend zone as she thinks she’s the shit. As soon as that friend gets a real girlfriend, the attention is no longer solely on Claire and obviously Claire can’t have that. The girlfriend is then just a threat. I would assume this isn’t the first time you haven’t felt comfortable or welcomed by your ex’s friends. Let this group of three “friends”, continue to engage in whatever the fuck weird relationship is going on and you move on to better, healthier relationships.
Fuck Brittany and fuck your ex, I just read your old post. I hope you're over him and thriving! ETA: fuck Claire as well! NTA, OP.
NTA 1. Guys don't buy lingerie as a prank. That shit is expensive. And sexy. If he bought it it's cuz he plans on/knows he's gonna see her in it. Also has he bought any for you? 2. Him saying she's out of his league... he wants her. Bad. You don't say things like that if you're not pining after someone. 3. I think she knows it and I think she likes it. She may or may not want him as a boyfriend but very least she wants his attention. Case in point, she's going along with this prank thing and criticizing you for being immature in typical "pick me" fashion. 4. She couldn't have known about your opinions of this "prank" if he didn't tell her. Which means even if this prank was somehow totally innocent he's still confiding in her about things that should just be between the two of you. He's also triangulating you both against each other. You can't trust a relationship like that. People should be able to turn to whoever they're dating and expect some degree of privacy. Or if he really needed to talk about it with someone it could've been literally anybody other than her. If they haven't slept together already they will most likely at some point. You have the right idea wanting to break up.
If he’s telling you that this girl is out of his league, you’re out of his league. Move on
Claire on the other hand is precisely his league. Equally as immature, condescending and gaslighty, they’re a match made in heaven. Honestly I wish them all the best. Let’s see what happens when he gifts another woman a set of lingerie as a jOkE.
I have never known a man to buy lingerie for a woman who he did not intend to see her wearing.
Yeah, and if not intend, definitely hope to see it…or at least picture it…
They are 28 and still do “prank wars” with water balloons and dye in body wash? She doesn’t get to say you will learn more with age when they are behaving like teenagers. NTA, I personally wouldn’t necessarily see the lingerie as a problem alone, but combined with the past comments about her being out of his league and extremely beautiful, it gets weird. You definitely need to find someone that listens to your feelings and doesn’t dismiss them.
Claire succcckkkks. Her comment makes her sound like a toddler. You were dead on wondering out loud if it would be something that would make another woman uncomfortable. It was a fair concern, a gift like that from one of my male friends would creep me tf out. Sounds like you’re the only mature reasonable one of this lot. Bf sounds like a jerk not listening when you had a concern and invalidating the shit out of you. You can do better. Trust yourself.
I think your boyfriend wants two things here. Claire, who is out of his league. And plausible deniability for buying her lingerie under the guise of it being an inside joke. And here’s the thing about an inside joke. Like everything else it can be explained. The person not involved might not find it funny but at least they understand it. “Apparently, it’s an inside joke about how during their college she had some problems with the colour red, and the lingerie would have given her some shock of some kind I guess?“ That doesn’t even make sense. Claire is cool like that. Claire is extremely beautiful. You on the other hand are overreacting. You are too conservative. You need to open your mind. You are insecure. You are the problem. Well, I think it’s pretty clear who he likes better.
NTA The fact that they can’t explain the “inside joke” means it is probably also of a sexual nature. I think something happened between them in the past regarding lingerie. They have some kind of sexual history that they know if they tell you about then you will leave. You should leave anyway. Their weird sexual tension will continue to interfere in your relationship.
He wants to “prank” her right in the pussy
Your bf is in love with Claire. Claire is a jerk for her words to you. You broke up with him. Get your stuff back and keep him in the review mirror.
NTA It’s weird and I wouldn’t stand for my husband buying a woman lingerie at any point in our relationship. As for Claire telling you pretty much that you need to grow up but is playing prank wars and having water balloon fight with two men she isn’t in a relationship is actually laughable. I think the whole group needs to grow up, they aren’t teens anymore. Your boyfriend is an insensitive prick who clearly is still too caught up in his childhood days with his childhood friends. The fact he reacted the way he did when you told him how you felt and the fact he is constantly saying how beautiful the woman is and out of his league is a clear sign that you need to be out of that relationship before a baby gets added to the mix. He isn’t going to change if he still behaves like a child and as for you saying you are “stiff” I don’t believe any woman would be happy with her man buying lingerie and talking about another woman the way yours does. Also it sounds like you guys might not be so compatible with each other but that doesn’t give a reason to how he is acting. You will meet someone who you are compatible with and who you can feel safe with in the relationship.
Someone who hasn't got out of the frat house mentality really shouldn't comment on someone else's maturity. How you could have tolerated that bunch of children this long is baffling. NTA for breaking up.
You hardly have an age difference at all. This is not: something you would “learn with more age,” that makes no sense. This is: she wants your boyfriend, he does not have proper boundaries, and buying lingerie that actually FITS HER is not a prank nor is it appropriate for someone in a relationship ETA, not TAH. he is.
You are young. You already know your worth and won’t play second fiddle. If your bf and Claire had half the sense you have, they would have learned leaving your bf is the right move back when they were your age. Also, Claire is an idiot. Your boyfriend is simping for her. Tell Claire that even with “more” age, she doesn’t have your clarity or self worth. Tell your boyfriend to fuck off. Break up and enjoy your single life for a while before getting into anything serious. All the best. I’m proud of you, OP. This is refreshing to read because I usually come across posts like, “My husband/bf almost killed me but he is so kind and I love him. Should I divorce him?” Kudos to you.