Yea that's... weird... like they check and limit each others social media usage?? Why??
I would get agreeing mutually to use it less so they can spend more time together but to actually put time restrictions on each other is strange
Your SIL “reports” back to your husband?
Your husband reviews router history to monitor your internet usage??
Girl, I think you have bigger problems than your husband being an inconsiderate partner during your life threatening medical event. Your marriage smells abusive.
For what it’s worth, labor and delivery is 100000% about the person risking their life to bring a child into the world. Your husband’s SOLE job during YOUR labor is to do exactly what you want him to do.
And him lying about his friends saying that he is right and she should let him do it. This makes it seem that OP is stuck in an echo chamber of chronic isolation and manipulation.
I'm a total IT nerd. My gf gets it and I basically run our whole setup. I never "check logs" unless we go over our data cap. This guy is a control freak.
Yeah this set off alarm bells in my mind. I can see trying to be better about SM use with your spouse and reminding each other about your goal but checking router logs? I'm worried for OP.
Imagine being so tired after a shift as a physician and then being motivated to check the router log on your spouse? It's so crushingly sad that she said that as if it was normal. Poor OP, I would hold her hand if I could.
Oh and her doctors only talk to him not her, the patient. And all his family friends say she has the ‘honour’ of being a birthing vessel.
Oh fucket fuck I feel so scared for her especially when I read that she lived in a car as a child and her SIL dobs to him.
2nd & Final Update:
Hello all,
I first want to say: Thank you. Thank you every single one of you who took the time to reply, send messages, check up on me, send me messages, and share your stories. I’ve read so much more than I’ll ever be able to respond to. Thank you. Those who took the time to share resources and volunteer your own time, you are angels in the flesh. Thank you. I’m so incredibly touched by this overwhelming outpour of love and support.
Also, thank you to even the people who told me I was selfish or crazy or any other derogative you chose to use. I’m not sure what helped me more, the people posing such great questions about if I felt safe, comfortable, loved or the people telling me I was the terrible person. Something about attempting to re-read my story as an outsider and seeing the comments where redditors told me I was in fact the problem broke something in me and I finally saw through the haze. But, hey, maybe try to be nicer to strangers on the internet and consider your words more carefully. We’re all people trying to get through life.
So many of you are kind, caring, and loving individuals. Thank you for caring about some random on the internet. I don’t even have words.
I can’t say a whole lot about these last few days. So much has happened that I will be processing for years to come. All I can say is I am safe, and I am free. Read into that as you will. My next steps are leaving this chapter of my life behind. I’m moving out of this city and I’m going to try starting again somewhere new. Somewhere beautiful where everytime I look outside, it’s hard to believe it’s real life. I’ve always felt drawn to the mountains with all of their beauty and might.
I don’t plan to ever log into this account, or even reddit, ever again. I did the same thing at 16, and I’m hopeful these last few decades have set me up for more success than I had the first time chasing a new start.
If you read my story, and you relate to it in anyway, or you too feel smothered, voiceless, and alone every single day locked in the house with someone who is supposed to love you, I just want you to know what I now know. That isn’t normal. That isn’t what life is supposed to be. There are people you can rely on and strangers can be your best friend. The cost may be steep, but the cost to stay is so much more. Farm this post for all of the comments and support available. I pass it on to you and beg you to use what resources you can find. The sheer volume of personal messages I received from people in the same boat, people sharing support, people checking in to make sure I was okay… There’s such a community here and they will help you before you even realize you need it.
I’m not sure whats next and that’s terrifying but also refreshing. I haven’t had that in so many years.
Thank you.
"All I can say is I am safe, and I am free. Read into that as you will."
I dont know why but this gives me chills but not in the good way ... I hope this update is from real OP and she is really safe.
I really hope this was OP. It either sounds written by someone with heavy dissociation of a slew of seriously traumatic events in a compressed period of time with blind hope and compartmentalized emotions - or someone wrote it for/about her.
More for Reddit but: If it is OP, and it ***is*** what it is implying, I'm sure you made the right choice to have zero ties, ***ZERO ties***, to that family and have run far. If she did op to look into abortion(or was beaten into one) I don't think she'd want the burden of people lambasting her on Reddit while she's trying to heal - let alone deal with that emotion while processing an escape. If she just doesn't want to talk about it - then it still makes sense - with how controlling he and his family sounded (from what she was ***willing*** to tell us in a 'he's not a bad guy', sort of way) I can only imagine what was behind closed doors...
This reads like one of my dissociative episodes so I'm hopeful that that is why there is a slight change in tone/style - and omitting triggering details. I wouldn't want to air that directly after it happened because my mind would need to focus on survival and not bringing up things that would slow me down with emotions. The 'never log back in' is probably just the disconnect of Reddit from this traumatic point in her life, and there's no 100% guarantee she won't come back, but it sounds like Reddit is tied to this trauma and why wouldn't she want to reopen that door.
If it's not OP, then I cannot focus on that. That's too much... The thankfulness for the comments calling her awful made me feel a certain way, but that could also harken back to the abuse and it feeling more 'normal' since she did say 'hey - you could have been nicer...' IDK. This whole situation was extremely triggering for me and I genuinely need this person to be okay...
From the sound of it, I'm thankful you realized what was going on and acted to help yourself. I understand the idea of avoiding sites like this, but remember, there's subs here for people going through what you have and are. On the internet, you can ALWAYS find groups of people who actually know what you're dealing with. Don't just dismiss it out of hand. Parts of it CAN be helpful. If you're able to find the same thing out there in person, that's great! But if you find yourself struggling to find help and find people who can understand and sympathize, remember that this place was able to help once. Sometimes it's worth it.
You have been on my mind since I heard your story in Two Hot Takes. I have been checking for an update religiously! I am so so glad to hear that you are safe and free! Enjoy your life OP, praying for nothing but peace, love, and joy!
Is everyone just glossing over how OP has to post on a throwaway account because her SIL “reports” back to her husband?
OP, are you in an abusive marriage?
I believe he’s saying that to help his case. The end is actually the worst part. When the head was out and I had to do one final push to get the shoulders and rest of the body out is when I said I couldn’t do it. That was the bit that hurt the most
And how he has his friends & family further his agenda(s) through manipulation .... "He pulled in friends/family who also don't understand my POV. They said this is his first child too, and to just let him have this since I had the honor of being pregnant." That plus the SIL comment were the most wild parts of this story to me! ... Like why is he even telling his friends & family this private info? Sounds like a controlling relationship where her husband doesn't accept that no means no and that this isn't his experience, it's hers.
This along with her own doctor going over her and just specifically talking to her husband is a major concern. She can’t even ask her own questions at her own appointment cause they all exclude her. OP has absolutely no one in her corner that it’s concerning.
Wife of a man in the biological sciences. My husband lied about his job to every doctor and midwife for 9 months, avoided technical language and played dumb, so that this wouldn't happen. He spoke up when I needed him to, but mostly said nothing. I never had to ask for this. He just did it, because my pregnancy and birth wasn't about him.
This should be the standard.
I only offer to go to my wife's doctor's appts so I can be an advocate for her.
I'm not even a doctor, I just have a penis. Apparently that's all it takes for me to be better qualified to speak on her medical issues than she is?
I learned a couple years back to start appointments with “My husband is worried about (whatever symptom). I’m not sure it’s really a big deal, but he insisted I get it checked out, so here I am.”
Because if I just describe my own symptoms and explain why I’m concerned about them, it’s probably anxiety, maybe it seemed worse in the moment than it was, etc. etc. It’s amazing how much more serious and concerning a symptom becomes once someone with a penis has noticed it 🤷🏼♀️
I had an ongoing problem with my lady parts, searing pain, I couldn't even sit or wear underwear. One doctor asked "How is your husband handling this?"
Yes he seriously asked that.
I had endometriosis and uterine tumors. I begged for a hysterectomy instead of chemo. The doctor's reply?
"But what if your future husband wants kids?"
WELL GEE THANKS DOC WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY AN IMAGINARY NONEXISTENT MAN IS CERTAINLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY LIFE.
I was in the same position. Endometriosis was unbearable and asked my Dr for a hysterectomy. He said I needed my husband's permission. I told him my husband actually suggested it because we don't want kids anyway and he hated seeing me in so much pain every single month and was really concerned about my wellbeing. Was told he had to come in person to confirm. So next appointment I brought my husband who was so upset that he had to give consent about MY medical issue when my word should have been enough. He confirmed everything I said. The Dr then said he was willing to give him a vasectomy if we didn't want kids. Which was not the point at all. So we argued with him about it as it obviously wouldn't solve my issue. Dr then said what if we change our minds about kids in future and sue him. Told him we'll sign docs confirming we won't. Then Dr says what if we get divorced or my husband dies and my next potential husband wants kids. I almost lost it. So my hypothetical 2nd husband has more autonomy over my body than I do. WTF. My husband told him off and as we were leaving the Dr told us we will not find a Dr willing to perform a hysterectomy unless I've had at least 2 children. He was right. That was 10 years ago. Still have debilitating pain every month. Isn't being a woman just the best!
omg never. As I've said to others, nowadays I'd rake him over the coals and report him, but I was like 23 and didn't have that kind of nerve back then. It was YEARS ago.
Well nowadays I'd let him have it with both barrels (verbally, not with my vagina hahaha, *picturing him being pelted with pingpong balls omg*). I was still very young at the time.
Same. I remember one time when my wife asked something and this MF'r gave a kind of patronizing chuckle and looked to me like "aren't women silly?". I immediately felt my blood rising and he must have noticed something so he changed tack very quickly and answered her question.
I've been thoroughly unimpressed by the ridiculous ego and overall attitude in MDs we've met with over the years.
Lawyers get shit on in the field of public opinion (I'm neither - I'm an engineer) but I vastly prefer dealing with them. You give them money, they do what you ask, transaction complete. Generally immensely more professional as well (polite, coherent communication, and on-time).
Yes, that is all it takes. A colleague of mine started to explain to me one day that he needed a particular day off to go with his wife to the doctor. He said that if she said she was in pain the doctors ignored her but if HE said she was in pain then they took her pain seriously. He was very confused even as he was telling me this. I just said “yep, understand completely, of course I’ll cover that day” and he then looked very confused. I had to tell him that yes, it’s normal for women’s complaints of pain or other symptoms to be ignored by doctors, and I thought he was a great husband for going with her to take care of her. He never realized what women go through just to try to get basic medical care.
Yep. My SIL just got "diagnosed as woman" recently. End of pregnancy, in agonizing pain, begging for anything to make it stop. Doctor didn't even try to diagnose her, just said it was normal for pregnancy to hurt and to try and take a bath or relax for a few weeks because they were done giving her pain meds. Few days later, second hospital did a single ultrasound and found bad enough gallstones that she's got to get the whole organ removed. She and baby are fine, but that was some bullshit.
I took my fiancee with me because I spent months trying to get a diagnosis. The funny part is that I'm the one with any medical training, he's an electrician...
My husband does this! I used to work as a PhD clinician before I became chronically ill and doctors STILL dismiss me. He is so fucking tired of doctors ignoring me because I have a vagina.
My husband does this too. When they won't listen to me he comes to my next appointment and says he's "concerned" thst my issue i spoke about at my last appointment still hasnt resolved and he wants it looked into. I HATE that this is what I have to do to get proper care but I'm not above using his male privilege to get testing done.
I've been diagnosed properly for several chronic conditions just because he was in the room and they finally decided to do procedures and tests.
I'm a nurse, unfortunately a well known one locally and the amount of times I've had to say, sorry can you talk to my partner / parent / child not me.....when I've only been there to give moral support, it's them that are making the decision
My Mother was an RN, and she would never tell the doctors or hospital staff that.
I asked her why, and she said that one of two things would happen. Either they would just go with her “diagnosis” and not do anything to check if her suspicions were correct.
…or they would poo-poo and discount everything that came out of her mouth, including any pertinent information that would help in the diagnosis and treatment.
Even as a kid, I thought that was a really sad commentary on what is supposed to be one of the most professional occupations.😕
Hilariously this doesn't happen so much when it's the woman who's in the biomedical field. And I come from a whole family of nurses and healthcare management (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles).
Wasn't for obgyn, just my parents having to switch who took me. Doctors and nurses were more scared of my dad, which I get, by that point he was in charge of hiring and firing, but for a whole separate branch of healthcare.
But what I also found interesting was just how many healthcare professionals would ignore me, even as an adult, and wouldn't explain results or such with me. Honestly I think the only reason I got kicked up to the senior consultants, who would speak to me like an adult, was because either my dad spoke to their senior management or someone clocked the name and went "hey do you think that's Mr Red's daughter?" and then panicked. Then it went from all the results are fine, to they're borderline/not okay, and the actual questions and tests I should have had years before.
That this happens to women across the board, but especially in obgyn, is unacceptable. No woman should need to have a man advocate for her for her health issues. But that's going to take time and a solid overhauling of healthcare as it exists.
But he’s not is he? And that’s the problem. This poor woman. And his family is crap too. Of course she’s NTAH. This day is about her not her husband. What a creep.
I guess I didn’t realize how spoiled I was. My OB who is still my gyno, always spoke directly to me. She was fantastic through both pregnancies and even came in on her day off to do my c-section for my second. I will be devastated if she ever retires. I think we are around the same age, so I hope I can still have her for another 30+ years.
I’m a doctor and tried that when I bought my kids in to their doctor. However, I live in a small/medium size city where at least in the medical community everyone knew each other at least by name recognition and the providers all knew who I was before walking in the door. I had to tell them to pretend that I was not a doctor when they had to explain something to me.
Ex-wife of an epidemiologist. Happened to me too. My last appointments were mostly detailed discussions of H1N1 (swine flu) and the terrible things happening to pregnant women who contracted it.
You are NTA, OP. Your husband should be there for you first, then the baby, and not for his own bragging rights.
She should have the office staff note in her chart that she does not want her husband to be the focal point of conversation regarding her medical needs. I get her husband is in family medicine, which requires versatility, but she deserves her medical advice delivered straight to her in verbiage she can understand as the patient. After all, there is a reason we consult an OBGYN for pregnancy care and not a family doctor. I agree with you... super concerning, especially because a lot of times the OB office attempts to get women to answer questions in private at initial pregnancy screenings to make sure the partner isn't abusive.
Oh. That’s normal. Doctors do that even to men who are non-doctors. Last time I saw a new specialist, I brought a man because I traveled across the country for it, and I wasn’t going to let it go to waste because the doctor might not listen to me. Studies show that doctors don’t listen to women like they listen to men.
It was a revelation. After I watched him talk to my “partner” (he’s an ex, but we pretended we’ve been together since a convenient time in my health history, but I don’t think anyone asked; I like to have a story for every possibility, and I’d go “Like, remember when we lived in [place I lived], and [things were like I told him they were]?”), I could see his eyes glaze over when I talked, but he and my ex talked like they were both experts. I do not think I would have gotten the referral I did (and that was one of my goals for the appointment and the only one he met) without my ex there. They talked about psychedelic research that I also know about as if I wasn’t there. The doctor listened to my symptoms when my ex talked about them and explained everything to him. They shook hands when we walked out the door. We get in the elevator, and my ex goes “Man, that guy didn’t listen to a word you said.”
And this man isn’t even a doctor. I can’t imagine what it’s like when the man you bring is a doctor. It would be beneficial if he listened to her and said what she would say the way my ex did (we know what I want because we’ve talked about it a lot and established our mutual goals before the appointment). But he has his own agenda, which is so fucked up. But doctors are like that. They think they’re right about everything.
It doesn’t even matter if your spouse is a doctor.
My husband used to have an interesting job. When I was pregnant, my male specialist doctor would spend the whole1.5 hour appointment talking to him about his job and the last 10 minutes giving telling my husband what *I* needed to do.
My husband is a molecular biologist and the minute any (male) doctor finds out they just want to shoot the shit with him and I get ignored. I haven't noticed this problem with female doctors though.
Glad I’m not married to a doctor. I think I’d start walking out of appointments when they did that and, if asked WTF I was doing, point out that they seemed to be “handling my health and welfare just fine without talking to me so I’m going shopping/home/for a snack” or similar. But I’m a lot older now and am less willing to put up with crap from people who aren’t doing their damned job.
When my OBYN found out my husband hunts every freaking appointment turned into them being chummy and swapping hunting stories and showing each other pictures of deer and ducks. At the end of my appointments I literally had to be like wait hold up what’s the weight? How’s the baby? Any concerns? And my ob would be like “oh yeah, baby is doing great”
I have already told him he’s now forbidden from discussing hunting with any male dr at any future dr appointment that’s not his own.
And the fact that her husband just goes with this makes me think he's not the greatest doctor himself, TBH. He's acting like he's her doctor, but he's not behaving like she's his *patient*. I wouldn't want him delivering my child either.
He has people he can pull in to be on his side, she doesn't seem like she has many if not any close people to stand up from her, other than a husband who won't or can't see her side
That just gave me a frightening realization...If my now ex-husband & I had kids, he would've wanted his mom in the delivery room to comfort him (he was certain he'd faint). NO WAY I'd let that happen!!
She literally stated she has no one and had been living out of her car since she was a child. Per her own words.
As someone whose lived a very similar life, I can say confidently, that I have no one. When I give birth it will be just me and my then husband and doctors. I don’t have a mom, an aunt, or even a cousin to hold my hand and be a womanly figure. I got myself and that’s fucking it man.
This was me, too. And it is just so, so easy for abusive men to take advantage. We are already isolated, so they don't even have to do that part. And we didn't grow up with any examples that were helpful so we don't even know how to look for red flags. Then people make fun of us and make it our fault by calling it Daddy issues. It's amazing.
Your desire for emotional support from your husband during childbirth is completely reasonable and not selfish at all. It's crucial to prioritize your emotional needs and find a solution that honors your wishes for this important experience.
He's a doctor he should understand that she's the patient and her emotional needs are the ones that matter here. Frankly this is the one time I think everyone else's wishes need to come second.
Like this is the one time/place everyone else's option is worthless.
He wants to basically take control of her body at the end. That would piss me off. What’s he going to do if she needs a c section. I’d scream bloody murder if they let my husband pull the baby out of my body. That was so goddam traumatic bc my epidural was not working.
lol at “the honor of being pregnant.” If he is a cis man (which we don’t know for sure, but if he is), it’s not like they flipped a coin to see which one of them would carry the baby… like I get why that feels special to people from a bonding perspective, but like, it’s not like “you got this privilege, so now I get this other one” lol.
Also, I think this is a super valid question re: abuse, because it’s always a valid question and because of his attitude and triangulation, but I do think using a throw-away Reddit when posting about it friends and family members who follow you, especially on AITAH, seems normal? I would do that for sure, even if I were having open, healthy conversations with the person. Just a thought, but your question is an important one! Because OP may very well be afraid.
Edit: Just realized that OP said elsewhere that this is their first time standing up to their husband. So actually yes, I’m quite concerned about potential abuse.
I read that, and as a woman I'd love to not go through pregnancy and birth and have my own child lol how the hell is nausea and vomiting, stretch marks, back pain, hip pain, ankle swelling, possible vaginall tear, labor, episiotomy, etc a privilege 🤣
Yeah. Such an honor. Getting morning sickness, hormone swings, stretch marks, aching joints, being at risk for any number of complications, having to give up multiple different foods…
Even the most hoped for and wanted pregnancy is tough work. SIL is acting like OP is carrying the child of some feudal lord and should be grateful to be bearing ‘the heir’ or some such nonsense. lol.
Yeah it was that whole “honor of being pregnant “ that pushed me over the edge on this. Starting to think the only reason doctor dad is married is so he can deliver a baby without having to become an OBGYN
Ummm. Also, she is the one who got the *honor* of being pregnant? I’m sorry? Did I somehow miss some amazing new medical discovery where her husband could’ve had the honor of being pregnant instead?
(Also, before anyone says it, I am fully aware that a husband can be pregnant. But she did not mention anything in this post about her husband being trans, so I am assuming she is married to a cisgender man.)
In which case, how is she the one with the *honor* of being pregnant? If they wanted to have a biological child, it’s not like there was some other way to get one. That line just really jumped out at me and struck me as an absurdly ridiculous concept.
There are so many red flags here and that’s the most telling one.
1. OP has no one besides her husband and his family
2. He seems to be “in charge” and their entire social circle agrees with him
3. Her SIL stalks her on reddit and reports everything back to her husband
4. They refer to being pregnant as “an honor”
What does that sound like? 🤔
Plus, she sees him 95% of the time as a doctor. This is is the doc, how the heck did he manage to get her pregnant if you only see yourself as a doctor?
Nope, my 🚩🚩 detector went off at that. She is isolated, he's her only support. It may not have been intentional (she has no family to rely on), but the fact that his sister routinely spies and "reports back"? Yikes.
OP, you need someone else on your team. Period. You need friends of your own. It's nice that he's "your person" but having only one "person" is not a healthy dynamic. You are living in his echo chamber. Are all the people telling you you're wrong related to your husband in some way? His family, his friends, his colleagues? To make you feel selfish because you have the "privilege" of birthing a child (along with the pain, and suffering) is possibly one of the most twisted takes I've ever heard for ignoring the wishes of the woman giving birth
You're not wrong for wanting your husband to support you during birth and not "Dr. husband" attending the birth. However, he doesn't seem too concerned about what you want.
Exactly! I noticed. OP your the patient not him! You have the final word. Not to mention it would be the easy part at the end! 🤬🤬🤬 Has he pushed a baby out of his hole??? I can assure you that it's not the easy part! That the part where you can get torn! I wouldn't want anyone not qualified in obstetrics to be down there when it happens, because they need to stop the bleed quickly!
Honestly don’t even understand this, OPs husband wants to do what’s cool and have some amazing story about how he delivered his first child and is therefore prioritising that over what OP wants. The patients needs and wants should always come first, whatever can be done to make a mother feel at ease during labour is what should be prioritised and her husband should know this as a doctor which he probably does but is still choosing to be selfish. I feel bad for OP because she seems like she doesn’t really have anyone or her own people outside of her husband and his family who have all decided to act obtuse and pretend like they can’t understand OPs pov. It also feels very icky that your husband has decided to involve other people in this matter as a manipulation tactic and force you into an uncomfortable situation during your labour.
I’m baffled by the medical field and all of these other medical personnel ignoring the needs of OP because her husband is a doctor. This is the type of society we live in. As women, we already have people telling us what to do, are already susceptible to abuse and for medical staff that is supposed to be looking out to help us to be contributing to the abuse.
I wonder where OP is located.
I’m not usually one to jump to conclusions but that line made me stop a minute, and then further down the post OP mentioned she lived in her vehicle and has been on her own, which also made me think. Add on him asking people who would support his decision to back him up to talk to her, this seems like a time I’m going to jump to a guess. Based on what she’s stated it does *seem* like he is a bit controlling.
I’ve been around similar couples before- one a best friend, who had a difficult life growing up into young adulthood. Her husband (ex now) basically had a savior complex (best term I can think of). Because he grew up with a financially wealthy family, went on to a good college and career and she didn’t, he treated her as if they weren’t equals and that his way was the only way. He was insufferable to be around because he *had to be right about EVERYTHING*.
OP needs to stand up now before he runs her on every little and big thing. It’s perfectly acceptable and understandable that he wants one thing while she another, however like any partnership there needs to be compromise.
And just because I’m in a feisty mood I think it’s kind of juvenile that he is insistent on delivering their baby. Dude you’re a doctor, everyone gets it, nothing to prove there. Oh you want to deliver the baby because it’s “cool”? You know what else is cool comforting your wife because she needs it! And I also DGAF that he’s a doctor and *thinks he knows best*… he may know how childbirth is medically but he isn’t a woman, he isn’t giving birth, he isn’t dealing with the psychological part of it. 😑
That is what has stuck out to me. I am concerned for her safety based on that comment.
If your life is not in danger and you aren’t a victim of abuse then OP you need an urgent couples therapy appointment via a therapist YOU chose to discuss your valid concerns and wishes.
If you are in danger controlled abused then there is a much different path to take, starting with an individual therapist at minimum.
This! What the actual fuck?
Op has been with this guy 10 years - and has no one else. Did they meet while OP was living in her car? Because between that and his behaviour (he should NOT be okay with his sister reprting on his wife, and that's generously assuming he didn't tell sis to start doing it; plus drowning OP out with the opinions of HIS friends and family, which are utterly irrelevant) I'm wondering if he kind of...played white knight when she was homeless and has kept her dependent on him ever since then, being psychologically abusive and controlling. Where are OP's friends in all this? Does she have any? Because if she doesn't, if he's literally all she has because he's kept her isolated, the red flags are switching to alarm bells.
You had "the honor of being pregnant" so now your wishes for the birth plan don't matter?! What is wrong with this family?? You had to responsibility of carrying the baby, which if anything, should mean you get to call the shots for how the birth should go! He needs to get over himself!
Exactly! & Who better to recruit than HIS friends and family...how convenient and how bias lol. I'm glad OP seems to mostly see through this BS as well though.
Right!? But I'm not so sure she sees through it yet. She definitely seems *hurt* by it. But not aware of the manipulation.
I was hurt by it for four years before I was able to make any sense of it. Sadly.
it also stuck out to me that OP mentioned she does not have any family and lived in her car. I feel like in a situation like this, it is really hard to not convince yourself that the other party is "right". It blows my mind that people her telling her to just let him "have" it since she had the "honor of being pregnant". smfh
NTA I would arrange a meeting with your midwife and doctors without him present. I would let them know that in no uncertain terms is your husband allowed to take over and be the doctor for your birth. That he’s there only as your husband and that if he tries to ignore you and take over then they are to remove him from the room completely. That you want this put clearly on your file. You are their patient and you are sick of your doctors and nurses only talking only to your husband on YOUR appointments. That you‘re their patient and you should not have to ask your husband to tell you what your doctors told him about you and your pregnancy when you get home. That it is you risking your life going through a traumatic life risking procedure and as such if any of them enable your husband to act as a doctor against your wishes that you will be taking legal action and make official complaints. As you should have a say on who you give approval of and who you feel safe operating on your body. That your husband is there as your husband only and if he can’t do that for one day then he is to be removed.
After that go to your husband and make it clear you married him the man not him the doctor. If he can’t not be a doctor for one day or put your needs and wishes when going through something traumatic and life threatening. Then he doesn’t get to be there at all. That if he is not going to abide by you the patient and mothers wishes then you will not allow him in the delivery room at all. Why should you when he’s clearly refusing to support you and be there as your husband. That if he’s just going to be another doctor down the business end then you don’t need him there. If and only if he promises to stay up at your head and hold your hand will you allow him but that you need to make it clear that if he thinks he can just take over when you can’t do anything to stop it. Then you will have him removed and you nor your baby will return home with him as you will begin divorce proceedings. That he thinking he can do this procedure on your body without your consent is assault and you clearly don’t give your consent despite the fact he keeps dismissing this fact. That if he clearly thinks he can assault you then will not be married to him. If he can’t be a loving husband to his wife and not a doctor only then theirs no marriage anyway.
OP this ^^^!!! You need an advocate in the room with you when you give birth. You get to say what happens to your body and who is involved in what capacity. While you are dealing with labor holding your boundaries will be even more challenging so please find and designate someone to be your voice the entire time.
OP, are you able to look I to getting a doula? As this commenter above said you really need an advocate for your needs during labor and through the rest of your pregnancy. Edit spelling
Seconded. Find a doula. They are there exclusively to help you during labour and will represent your needs, support your birth plan, etc. Get their advice and explain your husband’s job and the way your medical team have acted towards you so far. Your husband may be a doctor but he isn’t your doctor and during birth he should be there as your husband and father of the baby, not in a professional capacity.
Is he anticipating himself having emotional issues during your labour and wants something professional to concentrate on? Because otherwise this is kind of weird- where do you live that doctors regularly deliver their own children?
Getting a doula was the best thing I have ever done. My husband was super supportive—but having a neutral, well-trained person there just for you is invaluable.
Absolutely! Women get the final say in the birth room. If you say no, the nurses will respect it.
They will drag a father out of the room if the mother wishes. This is about you and the baby- not him right now.
He can be in the room at your head, or he can't be in the room. His choice.
NTA. What you're doing isn't a privilege, it's a difficult and dangerous part of life. If men could do it, women would gladly sign them up. He needs to get over his fantasy.
My thoughts exactly!! The "honor" of pregnancy? Where is the honor as one is: swelling, puking, crying, oozing from every orifice, constipated, flatulent, experiencing "lightning crotch", sweating, stretching, aching, figuring out what in the hell that thing hanging out of my ass is (hemorrhoids... definitely a huge hemorrhoid), with it all culminating in hours of screaming pain complete with tearing of ones sexual organs or you know, major abdominal surgery?!?
I think this Doctor Dad and his family ALL need to start practicing ASAP at taking their special little boy out of the spotlight and off center stage sometimes. I doubt he has experience letting others have a turn with being the star of his show. Op, for the love of your child and yourself...put your foot down FIRMLY and QUICKLY. Before the baby gets here. You need to know now if he can even handle not getting his way before you have an infant in the home!!
It's also not like he or her had a choice in which of them gets pregnant and fought over who gets to do it or something... Sorry if he wants to carry a baby, but it's literally biologically impossible lmao.
Currently pregnant and this made me laugh in anger and disbelief. What a ridiculous fantasy. We've been trying to get pregnant for 1.5yrs and while I'm thrilled I'm finally pregnant, it's delusional to consider this an "honor". If my husband could be the one to carry and deliver A) he'd totally be down cuz he doesn't shy away from challenge and B) I'd sign him the heck up.
I also just learned tearing doesn't always go down...sometimes it goes up to the clitoral hood or tears BOTH directions. Made my knees go completely jelly-fied.
It’s so disgusting and I hope OP is able to get out of this. Framing it as an honor/gift and ignoring the fact that it’s a major medical risk is so gross
NTA. This doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage TBH. Hubby sounds more into his esteem than about being there for you. And what, he’s going to relay that story all over the place, despite its private nature? What really hits me is that they are telling you that you have the “honor” of being pregnant. Like, come on. Ask any mother. It isn’t honorable or treated as such. This guy is really into himself.
It scares me with the update too- her husband will CHECK THE ROUTER LOGS to see how much social media time she's had? Like you would monitor a teenager?? Oh my god. And 1000% sure that she doesn't have access to *his* logs at work to see how much time he spent on social media 🙄 This entire relationship reeks.
First, have a meeting or call by yourself with your doctor(s). Tell them what you told us about feeling ignored and excluded during appointments. You are the patient! You are an adult without language barriers or cognitive impairment and as such should be the person with whom they interact. You could even request to have your appointments privately first, then bring Husband into the room at the end of the appointment. Make it clear to the doctor that you don't want your Husband to be the one delivering. Maybe he could cut the cord as a compromise, but that's up to you. Make sure your doctor clearly understands this and accepts your decision.
Tell the assorted flying monkeys that the subject was never open for discussion ; had it been it would now be closed. This is a personal and private matter.
Former medical practitioner here.
It’s not ok for him to be delivering your baby. So much can happen, and you need to trust that the doctor will act in YOUR best interests rather than the best interests of themselves or the baby. This is a major ethical issue, and most hospitals and birthing centers don’t allow it.
The reality is that it’s your body and therefore your choice who gets to deliver your baby.
Also: if doctors aren’t addressing you and your concerns because they talk over you to him? You need new doctors. You’re the patient, not him.
NTA.
My Dad's a doctor and the only one of us kids he helped deliver was my sister who was suddenly born at home due to my mo.having an abruption. And even then he went and got their OB nurse neighbor and she was actually the one who actually directed it because she was very experienced in OB emergencies.
Nta. This isn't about him. This is YOUR BIRTH PLAN.
His job is to be your husband and partner, not Dr and his fantasy of delivering the baby is beyond selfish.
You want him at your head only, holding your hand. Everyone knows busting through the ring of fire and tearing your pu$$y hole popping out the baby head is the absolute worst part. He should be ashamed and embarrassed to not be properly putting you ahead of that.
Tell him how its gonna be and if he doesn't like it, he can fuxking wait in the hall, period!
I get that he's a doctor and has seen everything, but I'd sooner die than have my husband see me bleeding and potentially shitting myself (it happens!) pushing that thing out. Nope nope nope. How lonely she must feel. :(
Oh my god, I didn't know this was a thing til I gave birth to my oldest. I shit right on the hand of a super soft spoken, very handsome medical student, and my ex literally made fun of me while pushing.
Your ex is a massive cunt. What kind of a person makes fun of someone giving birth? My ex husband did the same about me shitting during birth too. He used the fact that happened to humiliate me after the birth, he kept discussing it with my older child in my presence until I left his ass a year later. He also slept in my bed in the delivery room while leaving me to look after our toddler while having painful contractions. My toddler was a better support and I’m not even kidding. Afterwards it was all my fault of course for “not getting over it.” Fuck him and fuck your ex too.
Has he seen everything though? He’s obviously not an obgyn. Given how arrogant he sounds and the fact that she ‘thinks of his as a doctor 95% of the time’, I’m guessing that if he were a specialist, he’d be referred to as that, not just doctor. I’m guessing he’s a GP but likes to be The Big Doctor in every possible situation.
It's YOUR medical procedure! YOU need to be comfortable and if that means you need him holding your hand, that's what he should be doing. You also have the choice of him not being there at ALL.
Wish you all the best and congratulations.
>we both have restrictions on how much time we spend on social media sites and I have significantly surpassed that today and yesterday which he'll know as soon as ***he reviews the router logs.***
Hey quick question - wtf?
You can't be ignored in your medical wishes by medical personnel! You either don't bring him into appointments anymore, or clearly state that they are to speak to _you_ and not him, as _you_ are the one that's pregnant and going through this in _your_ body. _YOU_ are their patient, and _YOUR_ wishes are to be respected. He doesn't have the right to override you wishes regarding _your_ body or who delivers your baby!! He can't just decide that he will get to do that. You need to contact whomever you contact to discuss your birth plan in your country and _inform them_ that under no circumstances will he be allowed to deliver the baby, and if he tries, you will need security to escort him out of the room.
I am also pregnant and I am _seething_ reading this! What in the actual hell? NTA! He need to hear and respect your wishes, ASAP!
Not sure the right way to update? Posting it here as well:
UPDATE: I am going to confront him tonight when he gets home. He's already going to be upset because we both have restrictions on how much time we spend on social media sites and I have significantly surpassed that today and yesterday which he'll know as soon as he reviews the router logs. I'm hopeful I can catch him before that makes him too upset.
I did reach out to some of our mutual friends just to see what he has told them for why this is so important to him, only to learn he never discussed this with them. I think he made up what he has been saying they said. They were really shocked to learn we've been having this disagreement and were actually quite supportive of an expectant mother controlling her birth plan. I'm quite nervous about his reaction to this as well and I'd like to get ahead of this.
Wish me luck and cross your fingers for me!
Op are you okay? This post and some of your comments make it seem like you don’t feel very safe with your husband. The fact that he even controls your internet usage is very concerning. If you don’t feel safe I think you should reach out to your friends/family and let them know what is actually going on in your marriage. They will hopefully be able to support you and help you leave if necessary. Good luck and stay safe.
Checking router logs is not a normal activity. Someone already asked this, but are you sure you're not in an abusive relationship? This does not sound like a healthy relationship, OP. I wish you luck and hope you get the support you need.
I had to do a fucking double take at that one. My cat started mewing at me because he could tell how mad I was at this post. Checking the router logs is WILD
I hope someone steps in and says it better than I can, but - Holy Freaking Crap On A Dumpster Fire!!! 🤯
The more I read about your situation, the more scared and sad I am for you. He’s already going to be upset because you have significantly surpassed the Allowance he gives you for social media?? And He Checks? DAILY?
Whew. Tip of the iceberg. Seriously, I’m putting this badly, but I am so sorry you’re going through this.
And I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with that level of anxiety and worry over things he has no right to control. That kind of dynamic is like background radiation that kills - slowly, pervasively, and frequently unnoticed until it’s too late.
Fwiw, this internet stranger is sending you all the love in the world.
"restrictions on how much time we spend on social media sites and I have significantly surpassed that today and yesterday which he'll know as soon as he reviews the router logs." This is a new twist for me and makes the situation seem even more abusive on his part. OP he is controlling you. Reviewing router logs to ensure everyone is sticking to some superficial restriction is not normal. You are an adult and if your screen time is impacting your life to the point where your life suffers, then I could see some sort of benefit from this, but unless you're a screen addict this is not necessary. If this is rather typical behavior for him, then I think you should do a categorical review of things and consider whether you might be in an abusive relationship. I'm glad to hear it sounds like the family friends support your decisions. I think lying about what they were saying should also be something you take into consideration as well.
Op, after reading that comment above, I too am concerned about you possibly being in an abusive marriage.
That aside, NTA. Yes it’s his first child, but he’ll push to do it with the next, and however many kids. You have. Not to mention, this is ultimately about your first child and your first BIRTH. You don’t even have to have him in the room if you don’t want to! I know you do, so that being said, yes you should be able to have him hold your hand. This is a huge deal, and even though it’s really neat for your husband to see the baby coming, and in his case, deliver the baby, you’re doing all the work up above and it can feel like you’re a little bit left out because you can’t see what’s happening. That’s my experience at least lol. Obviously you’re not left out as you’re the one delivering the baby, but you don’t get to see what’s happening, and then the baby is often whisked away for a minute to dress or whatever etc etc. You are nta, you should have your birth plan be EXACTLY how you want it, including not having your husband make the day about him by sharing that he TOO is a doctor. And if he does, please please tell your doctors, to their face, that you would still like ALL questions, comments, etc directed to YOU, and make an effort to direct questions to them instead of hubby.
I see a very vulnerable woman attached to a very manipulative man.
I think your husband values his status as dr way more than he values you or your needs or wants. I am concerned for you.
Then he has his sister spying on you? Why does she know your account name etc? Get a new account and don't tell anyone.
This is all worrisome.
I will tell you that your "vision" of your labour and hand holding may be unrealistic IMO. Holding someone's hand while you are experiencing contractions usually means crushing their hands.
Also -most people react much differently than expected.
I was there when my daughter gave birth to her daughter, but she (as per our lifetime) couldn't, wouldn't hear me as her support person OR her bff who was also there.
She instead did listen to one of the nurses. Only one. That seemed to be her person for the hard work of delivery.
Labour plans are often like battle plans, the minute it starts they get thrown out.
Now, do you have access to therapy? I would recommend you start therapy ASAP. I think you would benefit from it.
All the best for you and your baby.
I’m sorry, he said the easiest part is the end, you mean when your hoohah is at its most stretched and feels like someone set it on fire…ffs
Also YOU are the patient, the choice is yours
I can see the comments on the second post, but still not the first. I'm realizing I've never really stood up to my husband before, and I'm pouring through advice to figure out how to do it successfully for the first time. I apologize for the multiple posts. I'm trying to form a plan and the comments help so much.
Standing up for yourself sounds scary but it’s not. What’s truly scary is that you’re married to and having a child with a man who enjoys and takes advantage of the fact that you aren’t good at standing up for yourself.
That's soo true. It's so important to have this established before you get married. I dated someone who made me compromise for 4 years. FOUR years it took for me to see this behavior as it is.
So I started doing what I wanted to do. And living my life and pushing him to the side. Never been happier.
You need to learn to interject into the medical discussions - I AM the patient. I HAVE questions. HE's not the pregnant woman here.
You are going to be a mother. You will have to stand up for yourself and your child in a variety of situations. It might as well start now.
If you startle enough medical personnel, maybe they will start to understand that it really is about you.
Try explaining that there are lots of doctors, but you only have one husband and when giving birth, you need your husband, not his profession, by your side. His mother is not welcome. It is not a debate. You are the patient and your decision are the only ones that matter.
The way you stand up for yourself is you say:
"No, you will not be delivering this baby, **I** WILL BE UNDERGOING A MEDICAL PROCEDURE. **Me**, not you. So YOU will be there for the SOLE reason of supporting **ME**, the person who is going through the medical emergency and who is at risk of literally dying.
The End."
And if he still refuses to be reasonable and support you, you forbid him from attending and take your mom or best friend, whoever will be there for YOU and not treat you like an incubator.
Which is what he's doing, along with his stupid, sexist, awful doctor pals.
It makes me FURIOUS to read how he treats you.
If you do ban him, hire a doula. Even if you don’t, it might be a good plan anyway. They will be there for you, advocate for you and support you through all of this. If you don’t want his mom in there- the doula will make sure. If you don’t want him delivering your baby, the doula will make sure your wishes/birth plan are followed. Wish you the best
Do this anyway, and brief her on the situation. Also nobody is "pulling" a baby out, and I hope to god he never used this language. Your body and the baby's body work together to muscle squeeze through contractions, the head crowns, the shoulders angle, and then they come squipping out.
You're the pregnant one, he should be referring to you, or leaving the room.
If the pull the baby out, it's not a good thing. My son had to be pulled out, bc he got stuck in my pelvis and his shoulder had to be dislocated to allow him to pass through. Super fucking traumatic to both of us.
IF HE PLANS ON PULLING, HE WILL SERIOUSLY HURT THEM BOTH
Anyone that talks about being pregnant as an honor shouldn't be having kids. Men should be honored that women are willing to go through pregnancy for them at all. Good luck and NTA, hope your husband isn't as much of an ass as I fear
This exactly! I almost choked when I read that line about "honor". NO! As you stated, the husband should be honored that his wife is risking her life to carry his child.
If you're afraid of the repercussions of speaking your mind to your husband, that's definitely something to investigate. It's not a sign of a healthy relationship to worry about his reaction to your feelings and desires.
You can word things however you want when you stand up for yourself because that's not the part the matters. It's the follow-through. For example, you could make a declarative statement: "I am giving birth, not you so I decide how this is going to happen. You will not deliver my baby, you will be holding my hand". Then he starts trying to argue, "But I wanted to do it my whole life, blah blah blah". They key here is you say 'no'. "No, you don't decide. This is my body, you are going to hold my hand". Then he won't listen to you and start whining "but I wanted blah blah blah". And you hold firm. "No, it is not your decision. I have made my decision and it's final." Then he whines some more. Your only response is "My decision is made, you cannot change my mind, don't waste our time by trying".
The same can be said for the doctors. Make a declarative statement like "I am your patient, talk to me, not him.". Then follow through. "He is here as support, I am the one you are talking to right now". Etc. You are the authority on your body. You and you alone are in charge of your body and what is done to it. As a doctor they can recommend treatment and explain what's going on, but they cannot make decisions. You are the top authority figure in the room and nothing happens without you saying 'yes'.
I'm sorry you are dealing with an unsupportive partner. My husband is physically disabled and he sometimes deals with the issue where he asks a question and people respond to me and talk to me instead of him, as though I'm the "true authority" over his life. I've dealt with it a few different ways such as refusing to look the person in the face and only staring at my husband until they feel awkward enough that they talk to the only person who is willing to look at them. For the worst offenders, I literally just walk away while they are talking so they either finish their statement to him and start talking to him or they get upset and I remind them that I'm not the one they are talking to, so it's not rude for me to walk away. There are all kinds of things that can be done, but your husband seems to like when he's seen as the authority figure. That lack of support is hard to deal with, I'm sorry. I think you and you alone will have to remind everyone that you are the true authority over your body and once your baby is born, you still have 100% control over your body and you will get a full 50% say with decisions relating to your child. It will take a lot of energy on your end, but it's well worth it. Good luck.
Tell him the delivery is 1000% about YOU and what YOU want/need during the delivery. Yes, his child is being born, but the delivery is all about you and what you are going through. You feel you need his support as a husband and not a doctor, so tell him that's the purpose he will serve in the room and if he can't respect that, you'll do the delivery alone. It seriously pisses me off when people make the delivery all about the baby and forget about the mom that is ripping her body apart.
You get to choose. You get to decide.
It’s your body.
And who decided his mother will be in the delivery room?
This is a once in a lifetime experience. You may have additional children but each birth will be a once in a lifetime experience. Tell husband you’ll consider it with the next baby. *Emphasis on consider it*
Stand up for yourself. This is your MEDICAL procedure. Talk to your obstetrician and tell him/her what you want. If he/she won’t back you up tell them you’ll talk to the medical director if you have to.
Don’t let him override you. You may regret it for the rest of your life.
LOL. Yeah, when my wife was giving birth, I did whatever she told me to do, when she told me to do it.
Husband's a dick and I hope that OP isn't in an abusive relationship like some people have mentioned as a possiblity.
Time to start a new reddit account.
It scares me your SIL tattles on a comment you make on reddit. That is overstepping on her part.
Your husband needs to back off and let sten to what you want. If he goes to an appt and they start talking to just him you need to speak up. Hello the patient is right here and has questions. It can be hard to find your voice but you need to do it now. You need to become Mama bear and let them hear an ear full.
Ah makes sense. 10 years ago, everyone thought they were lucky to marry an MD, now they are at the top of the list of who not to date with their God/Superiority Complex. And his sister man. The day I see my brother treating my sis in law horribly or even slightly indifferent is the day he’ll regret breathing. NTA.
A couple things:
"SIL reports back to husband"
I beg your finest pardon? Because the way I would be making shit posts about my smelly SIL on purpose to fuck with her.
"Our birth plan"
It's YOUR birth plan. He isn't doing anything of note aside from being there.
"It's not uncommon for doctors to deliver their own kid"
He's a GP. I wouldn't want a dermatologist doing my pap.
"everyone talks to him"
Then file complaints and find a new doctor. That's insane.
Your husband is a massive douche. I'm a nurse. For the way he acts, I would assume he's a surgeon. They're usually the divas of every place I've ever worked.
NTA. Your wants > his wants. Full stop.
ROUTER LOGS !!! WTF?
Yea that's... weird... like they check and limit each others social media usage?? Why?? I would get agreeing mutually to use it less so they can spend more time together but to actually put time restrictions on each other is strange
Same. I’m like review the router logs? 🚩🚩
Op blink twice if you need help.
I read that sentence and was like wait what that’s a thing people do????
I’m wondering why I had to scroll so far to see this comment. WTF indeed.
I’m scrolling through trying to find this like wtf I feel sorry for the unborn child that will have to suffer between these two
Right? He sounds like a controller. Sounds like she needs to leave him and do everything in her power to keep the baby away from him.
I'm pondering if this post is about birth or abuse....
Your SIL “reports” back to your husband? Your husband reviews router history to monitor your internet usage?? Girl, I think you have bigger problems than your husband being an inconsiderate partner during your life threatening medical event. Your marriage smells abusive. For what it’s worth, labor and delivery is 100000% about the person risking their life to bring a child into the world. Your husband’s SOLE job during YOUR labor is to do exactly what you want him to do.
The router part (combined with everything else but that especially) is what gets me. I'm so sorry but you're in an abusive relationship
And him lying about his friends saying that he is right and she should let him do it. This makes it seem that OP is stuck in an echo chamber of chronic isolation and manipulation.
Yup. In what universe is it remotely okay or normal to review router logs to ensure a spouse isn’t online past a “restricted” amount.
I'm a total IT nerd. My gf gets it and I basically run our whole setup. I never "check logs" unless we go over our data cap. This guy is a control freak.
Married to a software developer. Just asked him about checking router logs. His response "What kind of a psycho does that?"
Ugh I know, all the details combined sound like the opening narration for a dateline episode
This! When I saw the router review I gasped. This is not normal.
Op, you don’t sound like you’re in a safe situation right now
What do you mean? She's only entirely reliant on one person in existence and has restricted social media time.
And he’ll check the “router logs” when he gets home to see if she’s been using social media…..
Yeah this set off alarm bells in my mind. I can see trying to be better about SM use with your spouse and reminding each other about your goal but checking router logs? I'm worried for OP.
Imagine being so tired after a shift as a physician and then being motivated to check the router log on your spouse? It's so crushingly sad that she said that as if it was normal. Poor OP, I would hold her hand if I could.
Oh and her doctors only talk to him not her, the patient. And all his family friends say she has the ‘honour’ of being a birthing vessel. Oh fucket fuck I feel so scared for her especially when I read that she lived in a car as a child and her SIL dobs to him.
Yeah I'm really surprised more comments aren't talking about this. Her internet time is monitored? Wtf?!
SIL will report back too.
It made me really sad when I read the part that he checks the router logs…):
2nd & Final Update: Hello all, I first want to say: Thank you. Thank you every single one of you who took the time to reply, send messages, check up on me, send me messages, and share your stories. I’ve read so much more than I’ll ever be able to respond to. Thank you. Those who took the time to share resources and volunteer your own time, you are angels in the flesh. Thank you. I’m so incredibly touched by this overwhelming outpour of love and support. Also, thank you to even the people who told me I was selfish or crazy or any other derogative you chose to use. I’m not sure what helped me more, the people posing such great questions about if I felt safe, comfortable, loved or the people telling me I was the terrible person. Something about attempting to re-read my story as an outsider and seeing the comments where redditors told me I was in fact the problem broke something in me and I finally saw through the haze. But, hey, maybe try to be nicer to strangers on the internet and consider your words more carefully. We’re all people trying to get through life. So many of you are kind, caring, and loving individuals. Thank you for caring about some random on the internet. I don’t even have words. I can’t say a whole lot about these last few days. So much has happened that I will be processing for years to come. All I can say is I am safe, and I am free. Read into that as you will. My next steps are leaving this chapter of my life behind. I’m moving out of this city and I’m going to try starting again somewhere new. Somewhere beautiful where everytime I look outside, it’s hard to believe it’s real life. I’ve always felt drawn to the mountains with all of their beauty and might. I don’t plan to ever log into this account, or even reddit, ever again. I did the same thing at 16, and I’m hopeful these last few decades have set me up for more success than I had the first time chasing a new start. If you read my story, and you relate to it in anyway, or you too feel smothered, voiceless, and alone every single day locked in the house with someone who is supposed to love you, I just want you to know what I now know. That isn’t normal. That isn’t what life is supposed to be. There are people you can rely on and strangers can be your best friend. The cost may be steep, but the cost to stay is so much more. Farm this post for all of the comments and support available. I pass it on to you and beg you to use what resources you can find. The sheer volume of personal messages I received from people in the same boat, people sharing support, people checking in to make sure I was okay… There’s such a community here and they will help you before you even realize you need it. I’m not sure whats next and that’s terrifying but also refreshing. I haven’t had that in so many years. Thank you.
Thank you god. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. I hope he can never hurt you again.
I hope op is okay, this last update sounds completely different from the original writing. It feels ominous and wrong.
I had chills reading this it doesnt feel right. I hope OP is okay.
Yeah same, it's as if it was written by the husband
"All I can say is I am safe, and I am free. Read into that as you will." I dont know why but this gives me chills but not in the good way ... I hope this update is from real OP and she is really safe.
I keep coming back hoping for another update...I am also concerned this update was not OP 😬
I really hope this was OP. It either sounds written by someone with heavy dissociation of a slew of seriously traumatic events in a compressed period of time with blind hope and compartmentalized emotions - or someone wrote it for/about her. More for Reddit but: If it is OP, and it ***is*** what it is implying, I'm sure you made the right choice to have zero ties, ***ZERO ties***, to that family and have run far. If she did op to look into abortion(or was beaten into one) I don't think she'd want the burden of people lambasting her on Reddit while she's trying to heal - let alone deal with that emotion while processing an escape. If she just doesn't want to talk about it - then it still makes sense - with how controlling he and his family sounded (from what she was ***willing*** to tell us in a 'he's not a bad guy', sort of way) I can only imagine what was behind closed doors... This reads like one of my dissociative episodes so I'm hopeful that that is why there is a slight change in tone/style - and omitting triggering details. I wouldn't want to air that directly after it happened because my mind would need to focus on survival and not bringing up things that would slow me down with emotions. The 'never log back in' is probably just the disconnect of Reddit from this traumatic point in her life, and there's no 100% guarantee she won't come back, but it sounds like Reddit is tied to this trauma and why wouldn't she want to reopen that door. If it's not OP, then I cannot focus on that. That's too much... The thankfulness for the comments calling her awful made me feel a certain way, but that could also harken back to the abuse and it feeling more 'normal' since she did say 'hey - you could have been nicer...' IDK. This whole situation was extremely triggering for me and I genuinely need this person to be okay...
From the sound of it, I'm thankful you realized what was going on and acted to help yourself. I understand the idea of avoiding sites like this, but remember, there's subs here for people going through what you have and are. On the internet, you can ALWAYS find groups of people who actually know what you're dealing with. Don't just dismiss it out of hand. Parts of it CAN be helpful. If you're able to find the same thing out there in person, that's great! But if you find yourself struggling to find help and find people who can understand and sympathize, remember that this place was able to help once. Sometimes it's worth it.
You have been on my mind since I heard your story in Two Hot Takes. I have been checking for an update religiously! I am so so glad to hear that you are safe and free! Enjoy your life OP, praying for nothing but peace, love, and joy!
Is everyone just glossing over how OP has to post on a throwaway account because her SIL “reports” back to her husband? OP, are you in an abusive marriage?
I got stuck on the honor of being pregnant….
And "the end is the easiest part". Either he's lying or he's never seen a birth.
Or never passed a kidney stone the size of a melon.
I believe he’s saying that to help his case. The end is actually the worst part. When the head was out and I had to do one final push to get the shoulders and rest of the body out is when I said I couldn’t do it. That was the bit that hurt the most
Yeah, as if men would voluntarily choose to be pregnant
And how he has his friends & family further his agenda(s) through manipulation .... "He pulled in friends/family who also don't understand my POV. They said this is his first child too, and to just let him have this since I had the honor of being pregnant." That plus the SIL comment were the most wild parts of this story to me! ... Like why is he even telling his friends & family this private info? Sounds like a controlling relationship where her husband doesn't accept that no means no and that this isn't his experience, it's hers.
This along with her own doctor going over her and just specifically talking to her husband is a major concern. She can’t even ask her own questions at her own appointment cause they all exclude her. OP has absolutely no one in her corner that it’s concerning.
Ex-wife of a doctor. This is an absolutely true thing.
Wife of a man in the biological sciences. My husband lied about his job to every doctor and midwife for 9 months, avoided technical language and played dumb, so that this wouldn't happen. He spoke up when I needed him to, but mostly said nothing. I never had to ask for this. He just did it, because my pregnancy and birth wasn't about him. This should be the standard.
I only offer to go to my wife's doctor's appts so I can be an advocate for her. I'm not even a doctor, I just have a penis. Apparently that's all it takes for me to be better qualified to speak on her medical issues than she is?
I learned a couple years back to start appointments with “My husband is worried about (whatever symptom). I’m not sure it’s really a big deal, but he insisted I get it checked out, so here I am.” Because if I just describe my own symptoms and explain why I’m concerned about them, it’s probably anxiety, maybe it seemed worse in the moment than it was, etc. etc. It’s amazing how much more serious and concerning a symptom becomes once someone with a penis has noticed it 🤷🏼♀️
I had an ongoing problem with my lady parts, searing pain, I couldn't even sit or wear underwear. One doctor asked "How is your husband handling this?" Yes he seriously asked that.
I had endometriosis and uterine tumors. I begged for a hysterectomy instead of chemo. The doctor's reply? "But what if your future husband wants kids?" WELL GEE THANKS DOC WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY AN IMAGINARY NONEXISTENT MAN IS CERTAINLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY LIFE.
I was in the same position. Endometriosis was unbearable and asked my Dr for a hysterectomy. He said I needed my husband's permission. I told him my husband actually suggested it because we don't want kids anyway and he hated seeing me in so much pain every single month and was really concerned about my wellbeing. Was told he had to come in person to confirm. So next appointment I brought my husband who was so upset that he had to give consent about MY medical issue when my word should have been enough. He confirmed everything I said. The Dr then said he was willing to give him a vasectomy if we didn't want kids. Which was not the point at all. So we argued with him about it as it obviously wouldn't solve my issue. Dr then said what if we change our minds about kids in future and sue him. Told him we'll sign docs confirming we won't. Then Dr says what if we get divorced or my husband dies and my next potential husband wants kids. I almost lost it. So my hypothetical 2nd husband has more autonomy over my body than I do. WTF. My husband told him off and as we were leaving the Dr told us we will not find a Dr willing to perform a hysterectomy unless I've had at least 2 children. He was right. That was 10 years ago. Still have debilitating pain every month. Isn't being a woman just the best!
I can't even.......I hope you never went back.
omg never. As I've said to others, nowadays I'd rake him over the coals and report him, but I was like 23 and didn't have that kind of nerve back then. It was YEARS ago.
Did you ask the doctor if your husband was also experiencing searing pain in his vagina?
Well nowadays I'd let him have it with both barrels (verbally, not with my vagina hahaha, *picturing him being pelted with pingpong balls omg*). I was still very young at the time.
Oh so THAT’S how I accidentally got actual meds for depression?
Unfortunately and infuriatingly I find this a good idea. I can see how it would actually work. And again, I find this infuriating.
Same. I remember one time when my wife asked something and this MF'r gave a kind of patronizing chuckle and looked to me like "aren't women silly?". I immediately felt my blood rising and he must have noticed something so he changed tack very quickly and answered her question. I've been thoroughly unimpressed by the ridiculous ego and overall attitude in MDs we've met with over the years. Lawyers get shit on in the field of public opinion (I'm neither - I'm an engineer) but I vastly prefer dealing with them. You give them money, they do what you ask, transaction complete. Generally immensely more professional as well (polite, coherent communication, and on-time).
Agreed. And generally, they don't have that ridiculously dismissive attitude to their female clients opinions or questions either
It’s because all medical knowledge is stored inside the penis /s. I’m glad you’re there to back her up.
Yes, that is all it takes. A colleague of mine started to explain to me one day that he needed a particular day off to go with his wife to the doctor. He said that if she said she was in pain the doctors ignored her but if HE said she was in pain then they took her pain seriously. He was very confused even as he was telling me this. I just said “yep, understand completely, of course I’ll cover that day” and he then looked very confused. I had to tell him that yes, it’s normal for women’s complaints of pain or other symptoms to be ignored by doctors, and I thought he was a great husband for going with her to take care of her. He never realized what women go through just to try to get basic medical care.
Yep. My SIL just got "diagnosed as woman" recently. End of pregnancy, in agonizing pain, begging for anything to make it stop. Doctor didn't even try to diagnose her, just said it was normal for pregnancy to hurt and to try and take a bath or relax for a few weeks because they were done giving her pain meds. Few days later, second hospital did a single ultrasound and found bad enough gallstones that she's got to get the whole organ removed. She and baby are fine, but that was some bullshit.
I took my fiancee with me because I spent months trying to get a diagnosis. The funny part is that I'm the one with any medical training, he's an electrician...
My husband does this! I used to work as a PhD clinician before I became chronically ill and doctors STILL dismiss me. He is so fucking tired of doctors ignoring me because I have a vagina.
My husband does this too. When they won't listen to me he comes to my next appointment and says he's "concerned" thst my issue i spoke about at my last appointment still hasnt resolved and he wants it looked into. I HATE that this is what I have to do to get proper care but I'm not above using his male privilege to get testing done. I've been diagnosed properly for several chronic conditions just because he was in the room and they finally decided to do procedures and tests.
I'm a nurse, unfortunately a well known one locally and the amount of times I've had to say, sorry can you talk to my partner / parent / child not me.....when I've only been there to give moral support, it's them that are making the decision
My Mother was an RN, and she would never tell the doctors or hospital staff that. I asked her why, and she said that one of two things would happen. Either they would just go with her “diagnosis” and not do anything to check if her suspicions were correct. …or they would poo-poo and discount everything that came out of her mouth, including any pertinent information that would help in the diagnosis and treatment. Even as a kid, I thought that was a really sad commentary on what is supposed to be one of the most professional occupations.😕
Hilariously this doesn't happen so much when it's the woman who's in the biomedical field. And I come from a whole family of nurses and healthcare management (parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles). Wasn't for obgyn, just my parents having to switch who took me. Doctors and nurses were more scared of my dad, which I get, by that point he was in charge of hiring and firing, but for a whole separate branch of healthcare. But what I also found interesting was just how many healthcare professionals would ignore me, even as an adult, and wouldn't explain results or such with me. Honestly I think the only reason I got kicked up to the senior consultants, who would speak to me like an adult, was because either my dad spoke to their senior management or someone clocked the name and went "hey do you think that's Mr Red's daughter?" and then panicked. Then it went from all the results are fine, to they're borderline/not okay, and the actual questions and tests I should have had years before. That this happens to women across the board, but especially in obgyn, is unacceptable. No woman should need to have a man advocate for her for her health issues. But that's going to take time and a solid overhauling of healthcare as it exists.
Your husband is amazing. More men, and OP's husband, should be like him.
But he’s not is he? And that’s the problem. This poor woman. And his family is crap too. Of course she’s NTAH. This day is about her not her husband. What a creep.
“should be the standard” 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽Indeed!
I guess I didn’t realize how spoiled I was. My OB who is still my gyno, always spoke directly to me. She was fantastic through both pregnancies and even came in on her day off to do my c-section for my second. I will be devastated if she ever retires. I think we are around the same age, so I hope I can still have her for another 30+ years.
He's a keeper!
I’m a doctor and tried that when I bought my kids in to their doctor. However, I live in a small/medium size city where at least in the medical community everyone knew each other at least by name recognition and the providers all knew who I was before walking in the door. I had to tell them to pretend that I was not a doctor when they had to explain something to me.
Ex-wife of an epidemiologist. Happened to me too. My last appointments were mostly detailed discussions of H1N1 (swine flu) and the terrible things happening to pregnant women who contracted it. You are NTA, OP. Your husband should be there for you first, then the baby, and not for his own bragging rights.
She should have the office staff note in her chart that she does not want her husband to be the focal point of conversation regarding her medical needs. I get her husband is in family medicine, which requires versatility, but she deserves her medical advice delivered straight to her in verbiage she can understand as the patient. After all, there is a reason we consult an OBGYN for pregnancy care and not a family doctor. I agree with you... super concerning, especially because a lot of times the OB office attempts to get women to answer questions in private at initial pregnancy screenings to make sure the partner isn't abusive.
Oh. That’s normal. Doctors do that even to men who are non-doctors. Last time I saw a new specialist, I brought a man because I traveled across the country for it, and I wasn’t going to let it go to waste because the doctor might not listen to me. Studies show that doctors don’t listen to women like they listen to men. It was a revelation. After I watched him talk to my “partner” (he’s an ex, but we pretended we’ve been together since a convenient time in my health history, but I don’t think anyone asked; I like to have a story for every possibility, and I’d go “Like, remember when we lived in [place I lived], and [things were like I told him they were]?”), I could see his eyes glaze over when I talked, but he and my ex talked like they were both experts. I do not think I would have gotten the referral I did (and that was one of my goals for the appointment and the only one he met) without my ex there. They talked about psychedelic research that I also know about as if I wasn’t there. The doctor listened to my symptoms when my ex talked about them and explained everything to him. They shook hands when we walked out the door. We get in the elevator, and my ex goes “Man, that guy didn’t listen to a word you said.” And this man isn’t even a doctor. I can’t imagine what it’s like when the man you bring is a doctor. It would be beneficial if he listened to her and said what she would say the way my ex did (we know what I want because we’ve talked about it a lot and established our mutual goals before the appointment). But he has his own agenda, which is so fucked up. But doctors are like that. They think they’re right about everything.
It doesn’t even matter if your spouse is a doctor. My husband used to have an interesting job. When I was pregnant, my male specialist doctor would spend the whole1.5 hour appointment talking to him about his job and the last 10 minutes giving telling my husband what *I* needed to do.
My husband is a molecular biologist and the minute any (male) doctor finds out they just want to shoot the shit with him and I get ignored. I haven't noticed this problem with female doctors though.
Glad I’m not married to a doctor. I think I’d start walking out of appointments when they did that and, if asked WTF I was doing, point out that they seemed to be “handling my health and welfare just fine without talking to me so I’m going shopping/home/for a snack” or similar. But I’m a lot older now and am less willing to put up with crap from people who aren’t doing their damned job.
When my OBYN found out my husband hunts every freaking appointment turned into them being chummy and swapping hunting stories and showing each other pictures of deer and ducks. At the end of my appointments I literally had to be like wait hold up what’s the weight? How’s the baby? Any concerns? And my ob would be like “oh yeah, baby is doing great” I have already told him he’s now forbidden from discussing hunting with any male dr at any future dr appointment that’s not his own.
This is some road to Gilead shit OP is experiencing.
And the fact that her husband just goes with this makes me think he's not the greatest doctor himself, TBH. He's acting like he's her doctor, but he's not behaving like she's his *patient*. I wouldn't want him delivering my child either.
He has people he can pull in to be on his side, she doesn't seem like she has many if not any close people to stand up from her, other than a husband who won't or can't see her side
Yeah, the alternative to him holding her hand is *his mother*.
That just gave me a frightening realization...If my now ex-husband & I had kids, he would've wanted his mom in the delivery room to comfort him (he was certain he'd faint). NO WAY I'd let that happen!!
She literally stated she has no one and had been living out of her car since she was a child. Per her own words. As someone whose lived a very similar life, I can say confidently, that I have no one. When I give birth it will be just me and my then husband and doctors. I don’t have a mom, an aunt, or even a cousin to hold my hand and be a womanly figure. I got myself and that’s fucking it man.
This was me, too. And it is just so, so easy for abusive men to take advantage. We are already isolated, so they don't even have to do that part. And we didn't grow up with any examples that were helpful so we don't even know how to look for red flags. Then people make fun of us and make it our fault by calling it Daddy issues. It's amazing.
This is why an independent midwife or birth doula is so important. They will be there for YOU and advocate for YOU and for YOUR wishes.
And the nonchalant of "you'll be okay, I've experienced this many time" but all she wants is emotional support, doesn't matter if she'll be okay...
"Triangulation" seems to be the preferred method of manipulation in these Reddit stories. And ya it can also be a sign of abuse.
Your desire for emotional support from your husband during childbirth is completely reasonable and not selfish at all. It's crucial to prioritize your emotional needs and find a solution that honors your wishes for this important experience.
He's a doctor he should understand that she's the patient and her emotional needs are the ones that matter here. Frankly this is the one time I think everyone else's wishes need to come second. Like this is the one time/place everyone else's option is worthless.
If he’s not going to hold her hand, he doesn’t even have to be there.
How many are with me?! We can be her people and kick him out and take turns holding her hand!!
He wants to basically take control of her body at the end. That would piss me off. What’s he going to do if she needs a c section. I’d scream bloody murder if they let my husband pull the baby out of my body. That was so goddam traumatic bc my epidural was not working.
Definitely she is in an abusive marriage with a manipulative and controlling man- I feel so sorry for her
lol at “the honor of being pregnant.” If he is a cis man (which we don’t know for sure, but if he is), it’s not like they flipped a coin to see which one of them would carry the baby… like I get why that feels special to people from a bonding perspective, but like, it’s not like “you got this privilege, so now I get this other one” lol. Also, I think this is a super valid question re: abuse, because it’s always a valid question and because of his attitude and triangulation, but I do think using a throw-away Reddit when posting about it friends and family members who follow you, especially on AITAH, seems normal? I would do that for sure, even if I were having open, healthy conversations with the person. Just a thought, but your question is an important one! Because OP may very well be afraid. Edit: Just realized that OP said elsewhere that this is their first time standing up to their husband. So actually yes, I’m quite concerned about potential abuse.
I read that, and as a woman I'd love to not go through pregnancy and birth and have my own child lol how the hell is nausea and vomiting, stretch marks, back pain, hip pain, ankle swelling, possible vaginall tear, labor, episiotomy, etc a privilege 🤣
Manipulation to keep us in our place
Yeah. Such an honor. Getting morning sickness, hormone swings, stretch marks, aching joints, being at risk for any number of complications, having to give up multiple different foods… Even the most hoped for and wanted pregnancy is tough work. SIL is acting like OP is carrying the child of some feudal lord and should be grateful to be bearing ‘the heir’ or some such nonsense. lol.
Yes, getting that vibe from this.
Yeah it was that whole “honor of being pregnant “ that pushed me over the edge on this. Starting to think the only reason doctor dad is married is so he can deliver a baby without having to become an OBGYN
Ummm. Also, she is the one who got the *honor* of being pregnant? I’m sorry? Did I somehow miss some amazing new medical discovery where her husband could’ve had the honor of being pregnant instead? (Also, before anyone says it, I am fully aware that a husband can be pregnant. But she did not mention anything in this post about her husband being trans, so I am assuming she is married to a cisgender man.) In which case, how is she the one with the *honor* of being pregnant? If they wanted to have a biological child, it’s not like there was some other way to get one. That line just really jumped out at me and struck me as an absurdly ridiculous concept.
There are so many red flags here and that’s the most telling one. 1. OP has no one besides her husband and his family 2. He seems to be “in charge” and their entire social circle agrees with him 3. Her SIL stalks her on reddit and reports everything back to her husband 4. They refer to being pregnant as “an honor” What does that sound like? 🤔
Yeah, but at least OP gets to wear this really cool looking red cape.
Plus, she sees him 95% of the time as a doctor. This is is the doc, how the heck did he manage to get her pregnant if you only see yourself as a doctor?
Nope, my 🚩🚩 detector went off at that. She is isolated, he's her only support. It may not have been intentional (she has no family to rely on), but the fact that his sister routinely spies and "reports back"? Yikes. OP, you need someone else on your team. Period. You need friends of your own. It's nice that he's "your person" but having only one "person" is not a healthy dynamic. You are living in his echo chamber. Are all the people telling you you're wrong related to your husband in some way? His family, his friends, his colleagues? To make you feel selfish because you have the "privilege" of birthing a child (along with the pain, and suffering) is possibly one of the most twisted takes I've ever heard for ignoring the wishes of the woman giving birth You're not wrong for wanting your husband to support you during birth and not "Dr. husband" attending the birth. However, he doesn't seem too concerned about what you want.
It jumped right out, and the rest of the post details how he isolates and silences OP. So many red flags! OP, please find help.
That was the first thought I had as well. Very off putting
Exactly! I noticed. OP your the patient not him! You have the final word. Not to mention it would be the easy part at the end! 🤬🤬🤬 Has he pushed a baby out of his hole??? I can assure you that it's not the easy part! That the part where you can get torn! I wouldn't want anyone not qualified in obstetrics to be down there when it happens, because they need to stop the bleed quickly!
Honestly don’t even understand this, OPs husband wants to do what’s cool and have some amazing story about how he delivered his first child and is therefore prioritising that over what OP wants. The patients needs and wants should always come first, whatever can be done to make a mother feel at ease during labour is what should be prioritised and her husband should know this as a doctor which he probably does but is still choosing to be selfish. I feel bad for OP because she seems like she doesn’t really have anyone or her own people outside of her husband and his family who have all decided to act obtuse and pretend like they can’t understand OPs pov. It also feels very icky that your husband has decided to involve other people in this matter as a manipulation tactic and force you into an uncomfortable situation during your labour.
I’m baffled by the medical field and all of these other medical personnel ignoring the needs of OP because her husband is a doctor. This is the type of society we live in. As women, we already have people telling us what to do, are already susceptible to abuse and for medical staff that is supposed to be looking out to help us to be contributing to the abuse. I wonder where OP is located.
I’m not usually one to jump to conclusions but that line made me stop a minute, and then further down the post OP mentioned she lived in her vehicle and has been on her own, which also made me think. Add on him asking people who would support his decision to back him up to talk to her, this seems like a time I’m going to jump to a guess. Based on what she’s stated it does *seem* like he is a bit controlling. I’ve been around similar couples before- one a best friend, who had a difficult life growing up into young adulthood. Her husband (ex now) basically had a savior complex (best term I can think of). Because he grew up with a financially wealthy family, went on to a good college and career and she didn’t, he treated her as if they weren’t equals and that his way was the only way. He was insufferable to be around because he *had to be right about EVERYTHING*. OP needs to stand up now before he runs her on every little and big thing. It’s perfectly acceptable and understandable that he wants one thing while she another, however like any partnership there needs to be compromise. And just because I’m in a feisty mood I think it’s kind of juvenile that he is insistent on delivering their baby. Dude you’re a doctor, everyone gets it, nothing to prove there. Oh you want to deliver the baby because it’s “cool”? You know what else is cool comforting your wife because she needs it! And I also DGAF that he’s a doctor and *thinks he knows best*… he may know how childbirth is medically but he isn’t a woman, he isn’t giving birth, he isn’t dealing with the psychological part of it. 😑
That is what has stuck out to me. I am concerned for her safety based on that comment. If your life is not in danger and you aren’t a victim of abuse then OP you need an urgent couples therapy appointment via a therapist YOU chose to discuss your valid concerns and wishes. If you are in danger controlled abused then there is a much different path to take, starting with an individual therapist at minimum.
This! What the actual fuck? Op has been with this guy 10 years - and has no one else. Did they meet while OP was living in her car? Because between that and his behaviour (he should NOT be okay with his sister reprting on his wife, and that's generously assuming he didn't tell sis to start doing it; plus drowning OP out with the opinions of HIS friends and family, which are utterly irrelevant) I'm wondering if he kind of...played white knight when she was homeless and has kept her dependent on him ever since then, being psychologically abusive and controlling. Where are OP's friends in all this? Does she have any? Because if she doesn't, if he's literally all she has because he's kept her isolated, the red flags are switching to alarm bells.
You had "the honor of being pregnant" so now your wishes for the birth plan don't matter?! What is wrong with this family?? You had to responsibility of carrying the baby, which if anything, should mean you get to call the shots for how the birth should go! He needs to get over himself!
SIL sounds like a cunt
Given the specifics in half of these 'throwaway' account posts, how hard would it be for those with eyes on to realize what's being referred to..?
I think it’s more that SIL follows her actual account name so she can’t post it from there
He also manipulatively got other people to weigh in to validate his perspective. Who does that?! Oh wait, manipulators.
Exactly! & Who better to recruit than HIS friends and family...how convenient and how bias lol. I'm glad OP seems to mostly see through this BS as well though.
Right!? But I'm not so sure she sees through it yet. She definitely seems *hurt* by it. But not aware of the manipulation. I was hurt by it for four years before I was able to make any sense of it. Sadly.
OP is absolutely in an abusive marriage.
it also stuck out to me that OP mentioned she does not have any family and lived in her car. I feel like in a situation like this, it is really hard to not convince yourself that the other party is "right". It blows my mind that people her telling her to just let him "have" it since she had the "honor of being pregnant". smfh
NTA I would arrange a meeting with your midwife and doctors without him present. I would let them know that in no uncertain terms is your husband allowed to take over and be the doctor for your birth. That he’s there only as your husband and that if he tries to ignore you and take over then they are to remove him from the room completely. That you want this put clearly on your file. You are their patient and you are sick of your doctors and nurses only talking only to your husband on YOUR appointments. That you‘re their patient and you should not have to ask your husband to tell you what your doctors told him about you and your pregnancy when you get home. That it is you risking your life going through a traumatic life risking procedure and as such if any of them enable your husband to act as a doctor against your wishes that you will be taking legal action and make official complaints. As you should have a say on who you give approval of and who you feel safe operating on your body. That your husband is there as your husband only and if he can’t do that for one day then he is to be removed. After that go to your husband and make it clear you married him the man not him the doctor. If he can’t not be a doctor for one day or put your needs and wishes when going through something traumatic and life threatening. Then he doesn’t get to be there at all. That if he is not going to abide by you the patient and mothers wishes then you will not allow him in the delivery room at all. Why should you when he’s clearly refusing to support you and be there as your husband. That if he’s just going to be another doctor down the business end then you don’t need him there. If and only if he promises to stay up at your head and hold your hand will you allow him but that you need to make it clear that if he thinks he can just take over when you can’t do anything to stop it. Then you will have him removed and you nor your baby will return home with him as you will begin divorce proceedings. That he thinking he can do this procedure on your body without your consent is assault and you clearly don’t give your consent despite the fact he keeps dismissing this fact. That if he clearly thinks he can assault you then will not be married to him. If he can’t be a loving husband to his wife and not a doctor only then theirs no marriage anyway.
OP this ^^^!!! You need an advocate in the room with you when you give birth. You get to say what happens to your body and who is involved in what capacity. While you are dealing with labor holding your boundaries will be even more challenging so please find and designate someone to be your voice the entire time.
OP, are you able to look I to getting a doula? As this commenter above said you really need an advocate for your needs during labor and through the rest of your pregnancy. Edit spelling
Seconded. Find a doula. They are there exclusively to help you during labour and will represent your needs, support your birth plan, etc. Get their advice and explain your husband’s job and the way your medical team have acted towards you so far. Your husband may be a doctor but he isn’t your doctor and during birth he should be there as your husband and father of the baby, not in a professional capacity. Is he anticipating himself having emotional issues during your labour and wants something professional to concentrate on? Because otherwise this is kind of weird- where do you live that doctors regularly deliver their own children?
Getting a doula was the best thing I have ever done. My husband was super supportive—but having a neutral, well-trained person there just for you is invaluable.
Yes! A midwife or doula would be perfect!
Absolutely! Women get the final say in the birth room. If you say no, the nurses will respect it. They will drag a father out of the room if the mother wishes. This is about you and the baby- not him right now.
I love how supportive delivery nurses are. It’s such a vulnerable time for most women who need someone to advocate/act when they can’t.
Best answer. The lack of respect this man has for his wife is astounding.
He can be in the room at your head, or he can't be in the room. His choice. NTA. What you're doing isn't a privilege, it's a difficult and dangerous part of life. If men could do it, women would gladly sign them up. He needs to get over his fantasy.
Right?? The "honor of being pregnant" made me wanna gag.
My thoughts exactly!! The "honor" of pregnancy? Where is the honor as one is: swelling, puking, crying, oozing from every orifice, constipated, flatulent, experiencing "lightning crotch", sweating, stretching, aching, figuring out what in the hell that thing hanging out of my ass is (hemorrhoids... definitely a huge hemorrhoid), with it all culminating in hours of screaming pain complete with tearing of ones sexual organs or you know, major abdominal surgery?!? I think this Doctor Dad and his family ALL need to start practicing ASAP at taking their special little boy out of the spotlight and off center stage sometimes. I doubt he has experience letting others have a turn with being the star of his show. Op, for the love of your child and yourself...put your foot down FIRMLY and QUICKLY. Before the baby gets here. You need to know now if he can even handle not getting his way before you have an infant in the home!!
It's also not like he or her had a choice in which of them gets pregnant and fought over who gets to do it or something... Sorry if he wants to carry a baby, but it's literally biologically impossible lmao.
Currently pregnant and this made me laugh in anger and disbelief. What a ridiculous fantasy. We've been trying to get pregnant for 1.5yrs and while I'm thrilled I'm finally pregnant, it's delusional to consider this an "honor". If my husband could be the one to carry and deliver A) he'd totally be down cuz he doesn't shy away from challenge and B) I'd sign him the heck up. I also just learned tearing doesn't always go down...sometimes it goes up to the clitoral hood or tears BOTH directions. Made my knees go completely jelly-fied.
It’s so disgusting and I hope OP is able to get out of this. Framing it as an honor/gift and ignoring the fact that it’s a major medical risk is so gross
NTA. This doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage TBH. Hubby sounds more into his esteem than about being there for you. And what, he’s going to relay that story all over the place, despite its private nature? What really hits me is that they are telling you that you have the “honor” of being pregnant. Like, come on. Ask any mother. It isn’t honorable or treated as such. This guy is really into himself.
It scares me with the update too- her husband will CHECK THE ROUTER LOGS to see how much social media time she's had? Like you would monitor a teenager?? Oh my god. And 1000% sure that she doesn't have access to *his* logs at work to see how much time he spent on social media 🙄 This entire relationship reeks.
WHY ARE WE GLOSSING OVER THIS!??? This is the most insane thing I've ever heard!!
I just saw that now. Holy abusive!!!!!
First, have a meeting or call by yourself with your doctor(s). Tell them what you told us about feeling ignored and excluded during appointments. You are the patient! You are an adult without language barriers or cognitive impairment and as such should be the person with whom they interact. You could even request to have your appointments privately first, then bring Husband into the room at the end of the appointment. Make it clear to the doctor that you don't want your Husband to be the one delivering. Maybe he could cut the cord as a compromise, but that's up to you. Make sure your doctor clearly understands this and accepts your decision. Tell the assorted flying monkeys that the subject was never open for discussion ; had it been it would now be closed. This is a personal and private matter.
"The honor of being pregnant"!!!! Only a narcissist would sulk about his wife and her uterus upstaging him.
Unfortunately, the contents of OP’s post and comments all reek of the familiar stench of a narcissist doctor husband (in that order).
'the honor of being pregnant' omg what the actual fuck
This line actually made me IRATE!!!!
Former medical practitioner here. It’s not ok for him to be delivering your baby. So much can happen, and you need to trust that the doctor will act in YOUR best interests rather than the best interests of themselves or the baby. This is a major ethical issue, and most hospitals and birthing centers don’t allow it. The reality is that it’s your body and therefore your choice who gets to deliver your baby. Also: if doctors aren’t addressing you and your concerns because they talk over you to him? You need new doctors. You’re the patient, not him. NTA.
My Dad's a doctor and the only one of us kids he helped deliver was my sister who was suddenly born at home due to my mo.having an abruption. And even then he went and got their OB nurse neighbor and she was actually the one who actually directed it because she was very experienced in OB emergencies.
Nta. This isn't about him. This is YOUR BIRTH PLAN. His job is to be your husband and partner, not Dr and his fantasy of delivering the baby is beyond selfish. You want him at your head only, holding your hand. Everyone knows busting through the ring of fire and tearing your pu$$y hole popping out the baby head is the absolute worst part. He should be ashamed and embarrassed to not be properly putting you ahead of that. Tell him how its gonna be and if he doesn't like it, he can fuxking wait in the hall, period!
I get that he's a doctor and has seen everything, but I'd sooner die than have my husband see me bleeding and potentially shitting myself (it happens!) pushing that thing out. Nope nope nope. How lonely she must feel. :(
Oh my god, I didn't know this was a thing til I gave birth to my oldest. I shit right on the hand of a super soft spoken, very handsome medical student, and my ex literally made fun of me while pushing.
So sorry that happened to you! And glad he's an ex. I hope you have all the support and love now!
Thank you! I have so much support and love now. Glad that man's in my rear view
He made fun of you? While giving birth to his child? How horrendous.
Clearly, the wrong person received the shit.
Your ex is a massive cunt. What kind of a person makes fun of someone giving birth? My ex husband did the same about me shitting during birth too. He used the fact that happened to humiliate me after the birth, he kept discussing it with my older child in my presence until I left his ass a year later. He also slept in my bed in the delivery room while leaving me to look after our toddler while having painful contractions. My toddler was a better support and I’m not even kidding. Afterwards it was all my fault of course for “not getting over it.” Fuck him and fuck your ex too.
Has he seen everything though? He’s obviously not an obgyn. Given how arrogant he sounds and the fact that she ‘thinks of his as a doctor 95% of the time’, I’m guessing that if he were a specialist, he’d be referred to as that, not just doctor. I’m guessing he’s a GP but likes to be The Big Doctor in every possible situation.
It's YOUR medical procedure! YOU need to be comfortable and if that means you need him holding your hand, that's what he should be doing. You also have the choice of him not being there at ALL. Wish you all the best and congratulations.
>we both have restrictions on how much time we spend on social media sites and I have significantly surpassed that today and yesterday which he'll know as soon as ***he reviews the router logs.*** Hey quick question - wtf?
You can't be ignored in your medical wishes by medical personnel! You either don't bring him into appointments anymore, or clearly state that they are to speak to _you_ and not him, as _you_ are the one that's pregnant and going through this in _your_ body. _YOU_ are their patient, and _YOUR_ wishes are to be respected. He doesn't have the right to override you wishes regarding _your_ body or who delivers your baby!! He can't just decide that he will get to do that. You need to contact whomever you contact to discuss your birth plan in your country and _inform them_ that under no circumstances will he be allowed to deliver the baby, and if he tries, you will need security to escort him out of the room. I am also pregnant and I am _seething_ reading this! What in the actual hell? NTA! He need to hear and respect your wishes, ASAP!
Not sure the right way to update? Posting it here as well: UPDATE: I am going to confront him tonight when he gets home. He's already going to be upset because we both have restrictions on how much time we spend on social media sites and I have significantly surpassed that today and yesterday which he'll know as soon as he reviews the router logs. I'm hopeful I can catch him before that makes him too upset. I did reach out to some of our mutual friends just to see what he has told them for why this is so important to him, only to learn he never discussed this with them. I think he made up what he has been saying they said. They were really shocked to learn we've been having this disagreement and were actually quite supportive of an expectant mother controlling her birth plan. I'm quite nervous about his reaction to this as well and I'd like to get ahead of this. Wish me luck and cross your fingers for me!
Op are you okay? This post and some of your comments make it seem like you don’t feel very safe with your husband. The fact that he even controls your internet usage is very concerning. If you don’t feel safe I think you should reach out to your friends/family and let them know what is actually going on in your marriage. They will hopefully be able to support you and help you leave if necessary. Good luck and stay safe.
I hope she responds today. Feel like her husband might have grounded her though.
I don't like that we haven't gotten anything yet. I just worry.
Checking router logs is not a normal activity. Someone already asked this, but are you sure you're not in an abusive relationship? This does not sound like a healthy relationship, OP. I wish you luck and hope you get the support you need.
I had to do a fucking double take at that one. My cat started mewing at me because he could tell how mad I was at this post. Checking the router logs is WILD
You should tell some of your friends to be near your house tonight, just in case things go south and you need help
The fact that your husband reviews the router logs to check your Internet activity is extremely concerning. Please be safe...
I hope someone steps in and says it better than I can, but - Holy Freaking Crap On A Dumpster Fire!!! 🤯 The more I read about your situation, the more scared and sad I am for you. He’s already going to be upset because you have significantly surpassed the Allowance he gives you for social media?? And He Checks? DAILY? Whew. Tip of the iceberg. Seriously, I’m putting this badly, but I am so sorry you’re going through this. And I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with that level of anxiety and worry over things he has no right to control. That kind of dynamic is like background radiation that kills - slowly, pervasively, and frequently unnoticed until it’s too late. Fwiw, this internet stranger is sending you all the love in the world.
Checking the router logs is hella concerning, please know that is a form of control and possibly abuse.
"restrictions on how much time we spend on social media sites and I have significantly surpassed that today and yesterday which he'll know as soon as he reviews the router logs." This is a new twist for me and makes the situation seem even more abusive on his part. OP he is controlling you. Reviewing router logs to ensure everyone is sticking to some superficial restriction is not normal. You are an adult and if your screen time is impacting your life to the point where your life suffers, then I could see some sort of benefit from this, but unless you're a screen addict this is not necessary. If this is rather typical behavior for him, then I think you should do a categorical review of things and consider whether you might be in an abusive relationship. I'm glad to hear it sounds like the family friends support your decisions. I think lying about what they were saying should also be something you take into consideration as well.
Op, after reading that comment above, I too am concerned about you possibly being in an abusive marriage. That aside, NTA. Yes it’s his first child, but he’ll push to do it with the next, and however many kids. You have. Not to mention, this is ultimately about your first child and your first BIRTH. You don’t even have to have him in the room if you don’t want to! I know you do, so that being said, yes you should be able to have him hold your hand. This is a huge deal, and even though it’s really neat for your husband to see the baby coming, and in his case, deliver the baby, you’re doing all the work up above and it can feel like you’re a little bit left out because you can’t see what’s happening. That’s my experience at least lol. Obviously you’re not left out as you’re the one delivering the baby, but you don’t get to see what’s happening, and then the baby is often whisked away for a minute to dress or whatever etc etc. You are nta, you should have your birth plan be EXACTLY how you want it, including not having your husband make the day about him by sharing that he TOO is a doctor. And if he does, please please tell your doctors, to their face, that you would still like ALL questions, comments, etc directed to YOU, and make an effort to direct questions to them instead of hubby.
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I see a very vulnerable woman attached to a very manipulative man. I think your husband values his status as dr way more than he values you or your needs or wants. I am concerned for you. Then he has his sister spying on you? Why does she know your account name etc? Get a new account and don't tell anyone. This is all worrisome. I will tell you that your "vision" of your labour and hand holding may be unrealistic IMO. Holding someone's hand while you are experiencing contractions usually means crushing their hands. Also -most people react much differently than expected. I was there when my daughter gave birth to her daughter, but she (as per our lifetime) couldn't, wouldn't hear me as her support person OR her bff who was also there. She instead did listen to one of the nurses. Only one. That seemed to be her person for the hard work of delivery. Labour plans are often like battle plans, the minute it starts they get thrown out. Now, do you have access to therapy? I would recommend you start therapy ASAP. I think you would benefit from it. All the best for you and your baby.
I’m sorry, he said the easiest part is the end, you mean when your hoohah is at its most stretched and feels like someone set it on fire…ffs Also YOU are the patient, the choice is yours
Yup this. Vaginal tearing, defecating, and more. I would never want my partner to see that and would need their support by my head!
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I can see the comments on the second post, but still not the first. I'm realizing I've never really stood up to my husband before, and I'm pouring through advice to figure out how to do it successfully for the first time. I apologize for the multiple posts. I'm trying to form a plan and the comments help so much.
Standing up for yourself sounds scary but it’s not. What’s truly scary is that you’re married to and having a child with a man who enjoys and takes advantage of the fact that you aren’t good at standing up for yourself.
That's soo true. It's so important to have this established before you get married. I dated someone who made me compromise for 4 years. FOUR years it took for me to see this behavior as it is. So I started doing what I wanted to do. And living my life and pushing him to the side. Never been happier.
You need to learn to interject into the medical discussions - I AM the patient. I HAVE questions. HE's not the pregnant woman here. You are going to be a mother. You will have to stand up for yourself and your child in a variety of situations. It might as well start now. If you startle enough medical personnel, maybe they will start to understand that it really is about you. Try explaining that there are lots of doctors, but you only have one husband and when giving birth, you need your husband, not his profession, by your side. His mother is not welcome. It is not a debate. You are the patient and your decision are the only ones that matter.
you can die from child birth and hes worried about delivering his own baby... not your comfort and that speaks volumes.
How else is he meant to get all the glory? 'Yeah, my wife was in labour for X hours but **I** delivered the baby! Yeah I know it's amazing, right?'
The way you stand up for yourself is you say: "No, you will not be delivering this baby, **I** WILL BE UNDERGOING A MEDICAL PROCEDURE. **Me**, not you. So YOU will be there for the SOLE reason of supporting **ME**, the person who is going through the medical emergency and who is at risk of literally dying. The End." And if he still refuses to be reasonable and support you, you forbid him from attending and take your mom or best friend, whoever will be there for YOU and not treat you like an incubator. Which is what he's doing, along with his stupid, sexist, awful doctor pals. It makes me FURIOUS to read how he treats you.
If you do ban him, hire a doula. Even if you don’t, it might be a good plan anyway. They will be there for you, advocate for you and support you through all of this. If you don’t want his mom in there- the doula will make sure. If you don’t want him delivering your baby, the doula will make sure your wishes/birth plan are followed. Wish you the best
Do this anyway, and brief her on the situation. Also nobody is "pulling" a baby out, and I hope to god he never used this language. Your body and the baby's body work together to muscle squeeze through contractions, the head crowns, the shoulders angle, and then they come squipping out. You're the pregnant one, he should be referring to you, or leaving the room.
If the pull the baby out, it's not a good thing. My son had to be pulled out, bc he got stuck in my pelvis and his shoulder had to be dislocated to allow him to pass through. Super fucking traumatic to both of us. IF HE PLANS ON PULLING, HE WILL SERIOUSLY HURT THEM BOTH
Anyone that talks about being pregnant as an honor shouldn't be having kids. Men should be honored that women are willing to go through pregnancy for them at all. Good luck and NTA, hope your husband isn't as much of an ass as I fear
This exactly! I almost choked when I read that line about "honor". NO! As you stated, the husband should be honored that his wife is risking her life to carry his child.
If you're afraid of the repercussions of speaking your mind to your husband, that's definitely something to investigate. It's not a sign of a healthy relationship to worry about his reaction to your feelings and desires.
You can word things however you want when you stand up for yourself because that's not the part the matters. It's the follow-through. For example, you could make a declarative statement: "I am giving birth, not you so I decide how this is going to happen. You will not deliver my baby, you will be holding my hand". Then he starts trying to argue, "But I wanted to do it my whole life, blah blah blah". They key here is you say 'no'. "No, you don't decide. This is my body, you are going to hold my hand". Then he won't listen to you and start whining "but I wanted blah blah blah". And you hold firm. "No, it is not your decision. I have made my decision and it's final." Then he whines some more. Your only response is "My decision is made, you cannot change my mind, don't waste our time by trying". The same can be said for the doctors. Make a declarative statement like "I am your patient, talk to me, not him.". Then follow through. "He is here as support, I am the one you are talking to right now". Etc. You are the authority on your body. You and you alone are in charge of your body and what is done to it. As a doctor they can recommend treatment and explain what's going on, but they cannot make decisions. You are the top authority figure in the room and nothing happens without you saying 'yes'. I'm sorry you are dealing with an unsupportive partner. My husband is physically disabled and he sometimes deals with the issue where he asks a question and people respond to me and talk to me instead of him, as though I'm the "true authority" over his life. I've dealt with it a few different ways such as refusing to look the person in the face and only staring at my husband until they feel awkward enough that they talk to the only person who is willing to look at them. For the worst offenders, I literally just walk away while they are talking so they either finish their statement to him and start talking to him or they get upset and I remind them that I'm not the one they are talking to, so it's not rude for me to walk away. There are all kinds of things that can be done, but your husband seems to like when he's seen as the authority figure. That lack of support is hard to deal with, I'm sorry. I think you and you alone will have to remind everyone that you are the true authority over your body and once your baby is born, you still have 100% control over your body and you will get a full 50% say with decisions relating to your child. It will take a lot of energy on your end, but it's well worth it. Good luck.
Tell him the delivery is 1000% about YOU and what YOU want/need during the delivery. Yes, his child is being born, but the delivery is all about you and what you are going through. You feel you need his support as a husband and not a doctor, so tell him that's the purpose he will serve in the room and if he can't respect that, you'll do the delivery alone. It seriously pisses me off when people make the delivery all about the baby and forget about the mom that is ripping her body apart.
You get to choose. You get to decide. It’s your body. And who decided his mother will be in the delivery room? This is a once in a lifetime experience. You may have additional children but each birth will be a once in a lifetime experience. Tell husband you’ll consider it with the next baby. *Emphasis on consider it* Stand up for yourself. This is your MEDICAL procedure. Talk to your obstetrician and tell him/her what you want. If he/she won’t back you up tell them you’ll talk to the medical director if you have to. Don’t let him override you. You may regret it for the rest of your life.
LOL. Yeah, when my wife was giving birth, I did whatever she told me to do, when she told me to do it. Husband's a dick and I hope that OP isn't in an abusive relationship like some people have mentioned as a possiblity.
Time to start a new reddit account. It scares me your SIL tattles on a comment you make on reddit. That is overstepping on her part. Your husband needs to back off and let sten to what you want. If he goes to an appt and they start talking to just him you need to speak up. Hello the patient is right here and has questions. It can be hard to find your voice but you need to do it now. You need to become Mama bear and let them hear an ear full.
Ah makes sense. 10 years ago, everyone thought they were lucky to marry an MD, now they are at the top of the list of who not to date with their God/Superiority Complex. And his sister man. The day I see my brother treating my sis in law horribly or even slightly indifferent is the day he’ll regret breathing. NTA.
A couple things: "SIL reports back to husband" I beg your finest pardon? Because the way I would be making shit posts about my smelly SIL on purpose to fuck with her. "Our birth plan" It's YOUR birth plan. He isn't doing anything of note aside from being there. "It's not uncommon for doctors to deliver their own kid" He's a GP. I wouldn't want a dermatologist doing my pap. "everyone talks to him" Then file complaints and find a new doctor. That's insane. Your husband is a massive douche. I'm a nurse. For the way he acts, I would assume he's a surgeon. They're usually the divas of every place I've ever worked. NTA. Your wants > his wants. Full stop.