I think your wife nailed it.
She was there with the child already, you didn't know what was going on although you could see she was in conversation with him, and you butted in and shouted at him rather than letting her handle the situation.
YTA.
I am in agreement. Even if he WAS your biological child, there is NO need, ZERO, to go straight to yelling at a child. Reminders is what is needed, and if your wife was talking to him, she clearly was in control of the situation and YOUR input was not needed. But you didn't see that. All you saw was an opportunity to reinforce YOUR authority and you took it. You need to re-examine your true motives here, because believe me, your wife is.
Why even post this as if there's even a chance you are not the AH?
Yes, obviously YTA.
What, do you think your wife is too stupid or helpless to handle that herself? Her tiny lady brain can't figure out the words "Out of the kitchen, I'm cooking"?? Clearly if he is standing there and she is communicating with him, she doesn't want him to just fuck off out of the kitchen.
Geez you still don’t get it. Yeah she has valid concerns about how you handled the situation. Even your reactions are totally inappropriate. You blew it!!!! Still are blowing it!!!! While rules are rules for a reason, rules are also meant to be broken. You didn’t come in and assess the situation you just started barking orders. You are wrong on so many levels. You wanted to be in control and took control but your arrogance may have cost you the war
You couldn’t have said, in a reasonable/friendly voice, “8YO, do you need to be in the kitchen while your mom is cooking?” And waited for a response. Instead you yelled without looking to see if something was going on first.
When children have been traumatized by watching their parents have problems, it’s going to take a while to heal those scars and you’re not helping yourself by yelling first and asking questions later.
My dad and my FIL were like that, both WWII veterans when mental health wasn’t a thing. They yelled first, their default setting. It does a lot of damage that can persist (I’m 72). Maybe consider that before you yell next time.
Clearly you’re only posting for validation.
You don’t seem to care/want to learn anything from this experience.
This is why your wife is upset. You keep doubling down and you would do it again tomorrow if given the chance.
You're not the house policeman. Your wife is an adult with just as much authority as you over the household. She has more authority than you do over her son because he's her son. Surely you don't need people to explain that you should not have interfered.
Honestly, this comes across like you have a problem with the son.
Unless you’re the one in the kitchen doing kitchen work stay outa it. YTA especially so for doubling down in your comments. Sit back take the criticism and do better.
Do you seriously not see how you're an asshole in this?
Let me write a list if you need help
1. He's not your kid
2. Your wife was engaged in the conversation, is a grown-up, and is able to determine if he should have been sent out
3. He was in a full medical emergency, which you MADE WORSE. Are you asthmatic? Do you have any idea what you even did to him by making it worse?
4. You didn't even know what was going on and your natural reaction was to yell...what the actual fuck is that?!
5. You took this to reddit because despite your wife explaining why she's pissed, you came here for what...? Hoping we'd see your side and then you'd show her and rub it in? If that was your intent, make that 6, 7 and 8 for why you're an asshole in this.
I'm sure there's more but that's what i have for now. YTA.
>if I had known, I wouldn't have said anything and she snapped and said "That's the fucking point. You didn't know what was going on but you did see me clearly speaking to my son and instead of allowing me to continue my conversation with my child, you decided that he needed to stop talking to me and yelled at him. You didn't give a fuck what was going on. You just acted like you had more authority than me."
Yeah, that's how I'm seeing this situation, too. YTA.
Rules are great and they should be enforced, but even the military makes exceptions. These are kids. And your wife was having a conversation. Even if it hadn't been serious (which it was) that's still rude af.
YTA. By immediately intervening and yelling at her son, you undermined your wife's authority and her ability to parent her child. It's her son, and she should be the one to decide how to handle the situation.
YTA. His dad was abusive to the point that he received 16 years in prison. It seems like a no-brainer that barking at the child out of nowhere would cause a very bad reaction. You should have always been careful around this poor kid from the beginning.
YTA You weren't even in the kitchen when they were having the conversation. Why would you be so rude as to interrupt your wife having a conversation with her son? Most people would stop and let them finish their conversation before asking him to move on. Your wife is right. All you cared about is your authority and flexing your power. You F'ed up dude. You owe them both a sincere apology and promise never to do that again.
"If you'd had know" Well if you took 2 seconds before yelling, you would have known...
2. If any kid is beside a parent talking "at stove" when there's a rule, the PARENT IS FINE WITH ACTION..
YTA. Your wife was speaking to her son. What in the name of ever loving god possessed you to interupt their conversation? Did you think she somehow forgot the words "get out of the kitchen?" Or do you just think your wife is beneath you in the power structure of your home and you get to decide when her conversations are over?
If she wanted kiddo out of the kitchen then she would have told him to get out of the kitchen. How dare you dictate who she speaks to while she cooks.
YTA - clearly and obviously.
Why start with yelling? Why did you yell at all? Why is yelling ant children about non-issues a part of your personality? Why didn’t you apologize as soon as you knew what happened?
Honestly your wife is right to consider leaving you. You know they’ve been through trama, the 8 year old has a severe medical condition, and your first reaction upon seeing them having a conversation was to yell at a child.
Why didn’t you tell yourself to get out of the kitchen and walk away? (The hypocrisy of yelling a child for doing the exact thing you were doing) And you’re still trying to justify yourself for your wife being too “lenient” on her children who, again, have been through such terrible abuse their abuser got 16 years. You know how rarely abusers get prison time? You know how rare it for it to be significant prison time? I can’t even imagine how terrible what your family must have gone through was and now they have to deal with *you*.
Yeah, YTA. “Rules” are all well and good, but unequivocal and unilateral enforcement of such “rules” without consideration of circumstances turns it into near tyranny. As a guideline, staying out of the tiny kitchen while someone is cooking isn’t necessarily a bad idea. But your knee-jerk rigid enforcement meant you failed to actually observe what was going on. The 8 year old was having a health crisis…which you might have twigged into if you had stopped to think before barking at the child. You didn’t know what the fuck just happened because the “rule” was more important to you than finding out **why** a child found it necessary to go to his mom during dinner prep. And because you didn’t give a fuck about the **why**, addressing his asthma crisis got delayed. In fact, you made it worse.
You now falling back on the “if I had known” excuse is just the shitty icing on the crappy cake you served up. Because your wife is right…the point is that you didn’t take the time to fracking assess the situation and instead acted without thought to enforce the “rules.”
Dude, you are with a family who have escaped an abusive situation. No one, even adults, ever really gets past the triggers that abuse leaves behind. They can be dealt with, people can learn coping mechanisms…but if you can’t learn to stop and think before reacting to a situation, then you’re not a healthy person to have around. This is not to say that you can’t have rules in the house. But you need to learn the difference between a rule and a guideline.
YTA clearly...not even a question about it. Your wife is fully capable of dealing with her son without your intrusion. If he was bothering he, she would've told him to leave the kitchen. You came in there like a madman barking orders without even assessing the situation.
YTA - He was standing next to your wife, she knew he was there, and hadn't told him to leave the kitchen yet, so why do you get to override what your wife is already doing with her child? Also why did you immediately going to raising your voice instead of simply asking. You decided to make a big thing of it when it was clear your wife already knew he was in there, I don't blame your wife at all.
Edit: Also if your wife was clearly speaking to him, then you're even big AH, because you just steam rolled your wife, it also doesn't matter if she's lenient on them being in there, no reason to yell or raise your voice, it sounds by the reaction of you SS he's already afraid of you, so it's probably more than a regular thing with you yelling first and asking questions second.
You and your wife gave an agreement of "no kids in the kitchen while cooking", do it was up to your wife to reinforce that rule.
You disrespected your wife by barging in and yapping at her child because you thought she wasn't capable of handling the situation /disciplining her child and that whatever they were talking about couldn't be more important than "the rule".
YTA
>I don't even know what the fuck just happened.
Gee, if only you'd spent 3 seconds _thinking_ before you shouted at her kid. Can you imagine? Having all the information _before_ you make a decision?
You interrupted a conversation between a crying child and his mother. That's what happened. That's what you were in too much of a hurry to figure out.
>Turns out he was having an asthma attack, which she says I made worse by scaring the fuck out of him ("triggering him" like his dad did by yelling the way I did).
Looks like your wife didn't do a much better job picking her man the second time, either.
>I told her it was a misunderstanding and if I had known, I wouldn't have said anything
Right, and why didn't you know? Because you.....didn't think before you acted, that's right!
>"That's the fucking point. You didn't know what was going on but you did see me clearly speaking to my son and instead of allowing me to continue my conversation with my child, you decided that he needed to stop talking to me and yelled at him. You didn't give a fuck what was going on. You just acted like you had more authority than me."
Oh good, she laid it all out for you. Great communication on her part.
>Says she needs time because she's considering whether or not she can trust me around her children, given that I just yelled at her kid while he was in the middle of an asthma attack and she doesn't know if she can see me as someone who would safely navigate his medical needs if she were not here because I "didn't care" enough to check to see what the issue was.
Smart lady.
YTA, obviously.
Yta, even if it was accidental the kid was having an asthma attack and you made it worse.
In 5 years this situation has never happened before? Her reaction comes off like she is frustrated and perhaps this is a continuing issue. It sounds like family counseling and personal therapy might be needed especially since you are living with someone who already has trauma.
YTA, your wife is an adult and equal partner in your relationship. She was there, she has a voice, she was capable of independent thoughts, she I was able to parent her children.
If SHE has a problem with her son being in the kitchen, she would have voiced it. Instead, you went in, didn't even bother to see what's going on, and undermined her and spoke for her.
She has the situation handled, and I you just came in and did whatever you wanted. If you thought she needed help or looked stress, THEN YOU USE YOUR WORDS AND WSK HER, we don't just make assumptions and dole out punishments/adminishments without knowing if someone actually did something wrong.
Yes, rules exist for a reason, but geez, there are exceptions and flexibility, and frankly "No one else is allowed in the kitchen while we're cooking" is a dumb ass rule when you have kids... so if the kids have an emergency, pr a question or need something, what they're supposed to stand around outside the kitchen and shout to you? Are they supposed to wait until you're done cooking and go "Hey I was having an asthma attack, but you were in the kitchen, so I guess I'll just be hope I can breathe eventually..."
YTA
You were not there to help your wife cook, you yelled at a small child, and kicked him away from his bio parent in the middle of a conversation, all because he DISOBEYED YOUR rules.
If you will do that with no hesitation IN FRONT OF HER, what will you do behind her back is what she is likely thinking AND SHE'D BE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
What possessed you to yell at and kick out a crying child who came to get some consolation from his mom?
YTA.
Do you know how many people grew up to be chefs because they bonded with loved ones in the kitchen while they were kids? Just watch and cooking show and see how many of them experienced exactly this. And even if they don't decide to be a chef, that kid feels VALUED by his mom because she's doing what moms do... pay fuckin attention to their kids, even when it's not necessarily convenient.
You are an asshole and a douche, for sure.
How dare you decide when and where your wife can speak to her child?
<<>> Me, man! Me control EVERYONE and EVERYTHING! Me not care how anyone else feels, ever! I see something I no like and I demand it change immediately!
YTA.
Dude, pause when walking in on a conversation. I can understand your reaction if the boys constantly trample the kitchen boundary, but it's your job to enforce it the right way so it stops. If you had, maybe your first instinct would have been "is there something wrong" instead of anger and snapping at him. But either way, yelling is not a very good communication tactic for a father. Ever.
YTA big time. I get the rule but... don't just waltz in and use your manly authority to take over. ..you need to sit the child down in front of mum and sincerely apologise to him. Tell him you were wrong to yell and then tell your wife you are sorry. This way the child can see that men can be wrong and admit it. I'm speaking from experience with a similar situation. Now my son and his 'dad' are very close.
Not only did you undermine your wife’s parenting of her child (she can tell him to get out of the kitchen if she wanted)
You also managed to scare her son and make his medical problem worse
You also probably brought back memories for everyone with regard to her past abuse.
And all of this could’ve been avoided if you had just stood there and found out WHY he was in the kitchen in the first place.
Rules are great, but they aren’t the be all and end all. We’ve had rules broken because a child has needed something, and we certainly don’t fly off the handle at it
YTA
Holy f*ck. You can't be serious. Of course YTA. You barged into a conversation that had nothing to do with you and yelled at a kid having an asthma attack. You acted like your authority was the only thing that mattered. You didn't ask what was going on or if your wife needed help. You should be embarrassed at your stupidity and you should be groveling for your wife to forgive you. Your wife should be questioning her choices in men yet again.
Ok, so I can see why you have that rule. I suggest you change it a bit though. The one cooking can decide who is allowed in the kitchen while cooking. If your wife feels comfortable having all her kids around her while cooking in a crammed space that's up to her.
I am autistic, so I can really understand a need for rule and routine. I would never ever do what you did, though. I really do understand that your wife got upset. You stepped into a situation you had no idea about and tried to force a rule that couldn't really be applied in this specific case, and you even did it harshly. Maybe in your mind the boy wasn't respecting the rule and you tried to help his mother reenforce it, but stepping into a room without taking in the situation and start yelling at people isn't normally perceived as nice behaviour. So I'm sorry, but YTA here. Maybe you learned something from it though and won't repeat.
YTA
They where both there already and I’m not exactly sure if you think she’s too dumb and can’t tell him to fuck off herself if she wanted to. What the hell where you thinking yelling at him and interrupting their conversation when you didn’t even know what was going on? He’s not your fucking kid for god’s sake.
It's weird that you've been together for 5 years and just now your wife thinks you might not be able to care for her children. It sounds a story that should have happened when you just started cohabiting.
I'll be nicer than the other commenters. I think that asking him to leave the kitchen without properly assessing the situation first is a small offense. The big offense is yelling out of nowhere at the kid when he and his mother both have lived in a clearly very abusive household. Problems shouldn't be adressed by yelling.
SIGH! Like a lot of others that post onto this sub, they simply can't understand why it's unanimous that the OP'S the AH. And just keep responding excuse after excuse, justifying their shitty behavior/actions. No matter how many times each redditor (not to mention YOUR WIFE), lists the very clear reasons why you're the AH.
Clearly, your wife and her children have some serious PTSD,(how can they not? I mean the ex/bio dad is serving a 16 year prison sentence for abusing them! For a 16 year prison term, I'm guessing the abuse was pretty severe). So, YELLING AT ANY OF THEM, FOR ANY REASON, SHOULD BE A NO BRAINER!! And for such a petty ass reason?! "You're in the kitchen while an adult is cooking?!?!?! (GASP!!)
You know what they say about ASSUMING things, OP? That it usually just makes an ASS out of U!! Which is what you did! Because, you're an ASS!!
Something tells me that this isn't the first time you've yelled and became an asshole over your "house rules". And this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I may be wrong...
Oh, and you're so the AH, because one: you refused to realize that you fucked up and you were an AH after your wife explained everything AND TOLD YOU THAT SHE NEEDS A BREAK TO CONSIDER EVEN STAYING WITH YOU AFTER THIS. And two: the fact that you keep making excuses to the hundreds of redditors telling you that you are.
So, if there's a next time,.maybe think about not being an assuming ASS, and maybe calmly ask of everything's alright, or even, need any help? You'd be surprised what simple communication can bring. And not HULK OUT OVER "too many people in the kitchen!"
YTA. You're wife clearly wasn't bothered by him speaking to her, and you came in guns blazing without knowing what was going on. I mean, your wife can tell him to leave the kitchen if he's in the way - she's not incapable of doing that.
I seriously laughed out loud when you said you asked your wife what was wrong later. Dude you cannot possibly be that obtuse. You are an asshole. It's not like the kid was wandering around in the kitchen and opening the cabinet doors or the refrigerator. He was in the middle of a conversation with his mother and if she wanted him out of her way, I'm sure she is perfectly capable of saying that on her own.
NTA. Mistakes happen. Yall have a rule of no kidsApologize to the son and do better next time.
But, and I know I’ll get downvoted for this, you wife should apologize to you for the way she spoke to you. Also, for making it about “her kids” and not “y’all’s kids”. I’m assuming you love the kids like they are your own, therefore you raise them with her and that includes disciplining them. If I was a step father I would have a big problem with my wife referring to the kids as “hers”.
I think your wife nailed it. She was there with the child already, you didn't know what was going on although you could see she was in conversation with him, and you butted in and shouted at him rather than letting her handle the situation. YTA.
I am in agreement. Even if he WAS your biological child, there is NO need, ZERO, to go straight to yelling at a child. Reminders is what is needed, and if your wife was talking to him, she clearly was in control of the situation and YOUR input was not needed. But you didn't see that. All you saw was an opportunity to reinforce YOUR authority and you took it. You need to re-examine your true motives here, because believe me, your wife is.
Why even post this as if there's even a chance you are not the AH? Yes, obviously YTA. What, do you think your wife is too stupid or helpless to handle that herself? Her tiny lady brain can't figure out the words "Out of the kitchen, I'm cooking"?? Clearly if he is standing there and she is communicating with him, she doesn't want him to just fuck off out of the kitchen.
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And this is exactly why you don't make assumptions when you don't know what's actually going on.
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Geez you still don’t get it. Yeah she has valid concerns about how you handled the situation. Even your reactions are totally inappropriate. You blew it!!!! Still are blowing it!!!! While rules are rules for a reason, rules are also meant to be broken. You didn’t come in and assess the situation you just started barking orders. You are wrong on so many levels. You wanted to be in control and took control but your arrogance may have cost you the war
You couldn’t have said, in a reasonable/friendly voice, “8YO, do you need to be in the kitchen while your mom is cooking?” And waited for a response. Instead you yelled without looking to see if something was going on first. When children have been traumatized by watching their parents have problems, it’s going to take a while to heal those scars and you’re not helping yourself by yelling first and asking questions later. My dad and my FIL were like that, both WWII veterans when mental health wasn’t a thing. They yelled first, their default setting. It does a lot of damage that can persist (I’m 72). Maybe consider that before you yell next time.
Clearly you’re only posting for validation. You don’t seem to care/want to learn anything from this experience. This is why your wife is upset. You keep doubling down and you would do it again tomorrow if given the chance.
Why did you yell, just like his father would have, though? Is that the man you want to behave like?
You could have asked her if she needed assistance enforcing the rules.
You're not the house policeman. Your wife is an adult with just as much authority as you over the household. She has more authority than you do over her son because he's her son. Surely you don't need people to explain that you should not have interfered. Honestly, this comes across like you have a problem with the son.
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You could have asked your wife if everything was okay, or if she needed any help. YTA
NONE OF THIS IS A REASON TO YELL AT ANYBODY.
Even if you wanted to help, why did you yell? Do you always 'enforce' this rule by yelling?
Unless you’re the one in the kitchen doing kitchen work stay outa it. YTA especially so for doubling down in your comments. Sit back take the criticism and do better.
Well you know what they say about assuming and you sure did make a huge ass out of yourself.
HEY ASSHOLE, STOP FUCKING ASSUMING. USE YOUR EYES AND YOUR BRAIN.
You know what happens when you assume…. Ass is right there in the word…
Do you seriously not see how you're an asshole in this? Let me write a list if you need help 1. He's not your kid 2. Your wife was engaged in the conversation, is a grown-up, and is able to determine if he should have been sent out 3. He was in a full medical emergency, which you MADE WORSE. Are you asthmatic? Do you have any idea what you even did to him by making it worse? 4. You didn't even know what was going on and your natural reaction was to yell...what the actual fuck is that?! 5. You took this to reddit because despite your wife explaining why she's pissed, you came here for what...? Hoping we'd see your side and then you'd show her and rub it in? If that was your intent, make that 6, 7 and 8 for why you're an asshole in this. I'm sure there's more but that's what i have for now. YTA.
He is the AH but your first point should not matter at all...
>if I had known, I wouldn't have said anything and she snapped and said "That's the fucking point. You didn't know what was going on but you did see me clearly speaking to my son and instead of allowing me to continue my conversation with my child, you decided that he needed to stop talking to me and yelled at him. You didn't give a fuck what was going on. You just acted like you had more authority than me." Yeah, that's how I'm seeing this situation, too. YTA. Rules are great and they should be enforced, but even the military makes exceptions. These are kids. And your wife was having a conversation. Even if it hadn't been serious (which it was) that's still rude af.
YTA. By immediately intervening and yelling at her son, you undermined your wife's authority and her ability to parent her child. It's her son, and she should be the one to decide how to handle the situation.
YTA. His dad was abusive to the point that he received 16 years in prison. It seems like a no-brainer that barking at the child out of nowhere would cause a very bad reaction. You should have always been careful around this poor kid from the beginning.
YTA You weren't even in the kitchen when they were having the conversation. Why would you be so rude as to interrupt your wife having a conversation with her son? Most people would stop and let them finish their conversation before asking him to move on. Your wife is right. All you cared about is your authority and flexing your power. You F'ed up dude. You owe them both a sincere apology and promise never to do that again.
"If you'd had know" Well if you took 2 seconds before yelling, you would have known... 2. If any kid is beside a parent talking "at stove" when there's a rule, the PARENT IS FINE WITH ACTION..
You're more than an AH, but since that's all we get, yeah YTA
YTA, your wife is an adult woman who can set her own boundaries yk. Don't jump in before you even know if she's gonna react.
YTA. Your wife was speaking to her son. What in the name of ever loving god possessed you to interupt their conversation? Did you think she somehow forgot the words "get out of the kitchen?" Or do you just think your wife is beneath you in the power structure of your home and you get to decide when her conversations are over? If she wanted kiddo out of the kitchen then she would have told him to get out of the kitchen. How dare you dictate who she speaks to while she cooks.
Wow. YTA. I hope you apologize to her son
I feel like the mom has a certain "type" and might be coming to her senses since she stood up to this loser.
YTA - clearly and obviously. Why start with yelling? Why did you yell at all? Why is yelling ant children about non-issues a part of your personality? Why didn’t you apologize as soon as you knew what happened?
Honestly your wife is right to consider leaving you. You know they’ve been through trama, the 8 year old has a severe medical condition, and your first reaction upon seeing them having a conversation was to yell at a child. Why didn’t you tell yourself to get out of the kitchen and walk away? (The hypocrisy of yelling a child for doing the exact thing you were doing) And you’re still trying to justify yourself for your wife being too “lenient” on her children who, again, have been through such terrible abuse their abuser got 16 years. You know how rarely abusers get prison time? You know how rare it for it to be significant prison time? I can’t even imagine how terrible what your family must have gone through was and now they have to deal with *you*.
Yeah, YTA. “Rules” are all well and good, but unequivocal and unilateral enforcement of such “rules” without consideration of circumstances turns it into near tyranny. As a guideline, staying out of the tiny kitchen while someone is cooking isn’t necessarily a bad idea. But your knee-jerk rigid enforcement meant you failed to actually observe what was going on. The 8 year old was having a health crisis…which you might have twigged into if you had stopped to think before barking at the child. You didn’t know what the fuck just happened because the “rule” was more important to you than finding out **why** a child found it necessary to go to his mom during dinner prep. And because you didn’t give a fuck about the **why**, addressing his asthma crisis got delayed. In fact, you made it worse. You now falling back on the “if I had known” excuse is just the shitty icing on the crappy cake you served up. Because your wife is right…the point is that you didn’t take the time to fracking assess the situation and instead acted without thought to enforce the “rules.” Dude, you are with a family who have escaped an abusive situation. No one, even adults, ever really gets past the triggers that abuse leaves behind. They can be dealt with, people can learn coping mechanisms…but if you can’t learn to stop and think before reacting to a situation, then you’re not a healthy person to have around. This is not to say that you can’t have rules in the house. But you need to learn the difference between a rule and a guideline.
YTA clearly...not even a question about it. Your wife is fully capable of dealing with her son without your intrusion. If he was bothering he, she would've told him to leave the kitchen. You came in there like a madman barking orders without even assessing the situation.
I’d be livid if I was your wife. YTA.
YTA - He was standing next to your wife, she knew he was there, and hadn't told him to leave the kitchen yet, so why do you get to override what your wife is already doing with her child? Also why did you immediately going to raising your voice instead of simply asking. You decided to make a big thing of it when it was clear your wife already knew he was in there, I don't blame your wife at all. Edit: Also if your wife was clearly speaking to him, then you're even big AH, because you just steam rolled your wife, it also doesn't matter if she's lenient on them being in there, no reason to yell or raise your voice, it sounds by the reaction of you SS he's already afraid of you, so it's probably more than a regular thing with you yelling first and asking questions second.
You and your wife gave an agreement of "no kids in the kitchen while cooking", do it was up to your wife to reinforce that rule. You disrespected your wife by barging in and yapping at her child because you thought she wasn't capable of handling the situation /disciplining her child and that whatever they were talking about couldn't be more important than "the rule". YTA
YTA Stay in your own lane. Your wife was handling the situation and did not need interference from you.
>I don't even know what the fuck just happened. Gee, if only you'd spent 3 seconds _thinking_ before you shouted at her kid. Can you imagine? Having all the information _before_ you make a decision? You interrupted a conversation between a crying child and his mother. That's what happened. That's what you were in too much of a hurry to figure out. >Turns out he was having an asthma attack, which she says I made worse by scaring the fuck out of him ("triggering him" like his dad did by yelling the way I did). Looks like your wife didn't do a much better job picking her man the second time, either. >I told her it was a misunderstanding and if I had known, I wouldn't have said anything Right, and why didn't you know? Because you.....didn't think before you acted, that's right! >"That's the fucking point. You didn't know what was going on but you did see me clearly speaking to my son and instead of allowing me to continue my conversation with my child, you decided that he needed to stop talking to me and yelled at him. You didn't give a fuck what was going on. You just acted like you had more authority than me." Oh good, she laid it all out for you. Great communication on her part. >Says she needs time because she's considering whether or not she can trust me around her children, given that I just yelled at her kid while he was in the middle of an asthma attack and she doesn't know if she can see me as someone who would safely navigate his medical needs if she were not here because I "didn't care" enough to check to see what the issue was. Smart lady. YTA, obviously.
Yta, even if it was accidental the kid was having an asthma attack and you made it worse. In 5 years this situation has never happened before? Her reaction comes off like she is frustrated and perhaps this is a continuing issue. It sounds like family counseling and personal therapy might be needed especially since you are living with someone who already has trauma.
YTA, your wife is an adult and equal partner in your relationship. She was there, she has a voice, she was capable of independent thoughts, she I was able to parent her children. If SHE has a problem with her son being in the kitchen, she would have voiced it. Instead, you went in, didn't even bother to see what's going on, and undermined her and spoke for her. She has the situation handled, and I you just came in and did whatever you wanted. If you thought she needed help or looked stress, THEN YOU USE YOUR WORDS AND WSK HER, we don't just make assumptions and dole out punishments/adminishments without knowing if someone actually did something wrong. Yes, rules exist for a reason, but geez, there are exceptions and flexibility, and frankly "No one else is allowed in the kitchen while we're cooking" is a dumb ass rule when you have kids... so if the kids have an emergency, pr a question or need something, what they're supposed to stand around outside the kitchen and shout to you? Are they supposed to wait until you're done cooking and go "Hey I was having an asthma attack, but you were in the kitchen, so I guess I'll just be hope I can breathe eventually..."
YTA
Yep, YTA. Br now you know.
YTA You were not there to help your wife cook, you yelled at a small child, and kicked him away from his bio parent in the middle of a conversation, all because he DISOBEYED YOUR rules. If you will do that with no hesitation IN FRONT OF HER, what will you do behind her back is what she is likely thinking AND SHE'D BE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. What possessed you to yell at and kick out a crying child who came to get some consolation from his mom?
YTA. Do you know how many people grew up to be chefs because they bonded with loved ones in the kitchen while they were kids? Just watch and cooking show and see how many of them experienced exactly this. And even if they don't decide to be a chef, that kid feels VALUED by his mom because she's doing what moms do... pay fuckin attention to their kids, even when it's not necessarily convenient. You are an asshole and a douche, for sure. How dare you decide when and where your wife can speak to her child?
<<>> Me, man! Me control EVERYONE and EVERYTHING! Me not care how anyone else feels, ever! I see something I no like and I demand it change immediately!
YTA.
YTA Dude your weird as f. Next time just give him a ticket for wrong parking.
Remember, there are exceptions to every rule.
Yta. Just disrespectful
Of course, YAH. I mean, honestly, do you even disagree with anything your wife said? She literally nailed it on every point and counterpoint.
Dude, pause when walking in on a conversation. I can understand your reaction if the boys constantly trample the kitchen boundary, but it's your job to enforce it the right way so it stops. If you had, maybe your first instinct would have been "is there something wrong" instead of anger and snapping at him. But either way, yelling is not a very good communication tactic for a father. Ever.
YTA big time. I get the rule but... don't just waltz in and use your manly authority to take over. ..you need to sit the child down in front of mum and sincerely apologise to him. Tell him you were wrong to yell and then tell your wife you are sorry. This way the child can see that men can be wrong and admit it. I'm speaking from experience with a similar situation. Now my son and his 'dad' are very close.
Yta Don’t know what you don’t understand about it.
Not only did you undermine your wife’s parenting of her child (she can tell him to get out of the kitchen if she wanted) You also managed to scare her son and make his medical problem worse You also probably brought back memories for everyone with regard to her past abuse. And all of this could’ve been avoided if you had just stood there and found out WHY he was in the kitchen in the first place. Rules are great, but they aren’t the be all and end all. We’ve had rules broken because a child has needed something, and we certainly don’t fly off the handle at it YTA
Holy f*ck. You can't be serious. Of course YTA. You barged into a conversation that had nothing to do with you and yelled at a kid having an asthma attack. You acted like your authority was the only thing that mattered. You didn't ask what was going on or if your wife needed help. You should be embarrassed at your stupidity and you should be groveling for your wife to forgive you. Your wife should be questioning her choices in men yet again.
YTA. Poor kid has had 2 losers as "role models" in his life.
YTA, I guess she has a type for “bad boys”, because if you keep this up you might end up in prison with her ex-hubby.
Ok, so I can see why you have that rule. I suggest you change it a bit though. The one cooking can decide who is allowed in the kitchen while cooking. If your wife feels comfortable having all her kids around her while cooking in a crammed space that's up to her. I am autistic, so I can really understand a need for rule and routine. I would never ever do what you did, though. I really do understand that your wife got upset. You stepped into a situation you had no idea about and tried to force a rule that couldn't really be applied in this specific case, and you even did it harshly. Maybe in your mind the boy wasn't respecting the rule and you tried to help his mother reenforce it, but stepping into a room without taking in the situation and start yelling at people isn't normally perceived as nice behaviour. So I'm sorry, but YTA here. Maybe you learned something from it though and won't repeat.
YTA They where both there already and I’m not exactly sure if you think she’s too dumb and can’t tell him to fuck off herself if she wanted to. What the hell where you thinking yelling at him and interrupting their conversation when you didn’t even know what was going on? He’s not your fucking kid for god’s sake.
Asshole. Ass. Hole. Ass whole. Whole ass. Asshole.
It's weird that you've been together for 5 years and just now your wife thinks you might not be able to care for her children. It sounds a story that should have happened when you just started cohabiting. I'll be nicer than the other commenters. I think that asking him to leave the kitchen without properly assessing the situation first is a small offense. The big offense is yelling out of nowhere at the kid when he and his mother both have lived in a clearly very abusive household. Problems shouldn't be adressed by yelling.
SIGH! Like a lot of others that post onto this sub, they simply can't understand why it's unanimous that the OP'S the AH. And just keep responding excuse after excuse, justifying their shitty behavior/actions. No matter how many times each redditor (not to mention YOUR WIFE), lists the very clear reasons why you're the AH. Clearly, your wife and her children have some serious PTSD,(how can they not? I mean the ex/bio dad is serving a 16 year prison sentence for abusing them! For a 16 year prison term, I'm guessing the abuse was pretty severe). So, YELLING AT ANY OF THEM, FOR ANY REASON, SHOULD BE A NO BRAINER!! And for such a petty ass reason?! "You're in the kitchen while an adult is cooking?!?!?! (GASP!!) You know what they say about ASSUMING things, OP? That it usually just makes an ASS out of U!! Which is what you did! Because, you're an ASS!! Something tells me that this isn't the first time you've yelled and became an asshole over your "house rules". And this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I may be wrong... Oh, and you're so the AH, because one: you refused to realize that you fucked up and you were an AH after your wife explained everything AND TOLD YOU THAT SHE NEEDS A BREAK TO CONSIDER EVEN STAYING WITH YOU AFTER THIS. And two: the fact that you keep making excuses to the hundreds of redditors telling you that you are. So, if there's a next time,.maybe think about not being an assuming ASS, and maybe calmly ask of everything's alright, or even, need any help? You'd be surprised what simple communication can bring. And not HULK OUT OVER "too many people in the kitchen!"
YTA. You're wife clearly wasn't bothered by him speaking to her, and you came in guns blazing without knowing what was going on. I mean, your wife can tell him to leave the kitchen if he's in the way - she's not incapable of doing that.
Yta and your wife is right. The kid was talking to his mom and if SHE had a problem with it,SHE would have dealt with it. You overstepped big time.
yta
You really need to acknowledge your mistake and do what it takes to make it right. YTA, it’s hard to believe you don’t see that.
I seriously laughed out loud when you said you asked your wife what was wrong later. Dude you cannot possibly be that obtuse. You are an asshole. It's not like the kid was wandering around in the kitchen and opening the cabinet doors or the refrigerator. He was in the middle of a conversation with his mother and if she wanted him out of her way, I'm sure she is perfectly capable of saying that on her own.
Of course YTA. There is no possibility of another outcome in this scenario. And by the way, get rid of your stupid kitchen rule.
YTA. What an odd rule. You sound like a tyrant beating a stick trying to make people follow some illogical rule.
NTA. Mistakes happen. Yall have a rule of no kidsApologize to the son and do better next time. But, and I know I’ll get downvoted for this, you wife should apologize to you for the way she spoke to you. Also, for making it about “her kids” and not “y’all’s kids”. I’m assuming you love the kids like they are your own, therefore you raise them with her and that includes disciplining them. If I was a step father I would have a big problem with my wife referring to the kids as “hers”.