This!!
Looks like he married you as a consolation prize, I’d definitely talk to him and see if he’s still in love with her, and if he isn’t he should distance himself from this friendship
Idk if it was me, the trust would be gone so there wouldn’t be anything to save. He also lied that nothing had happened between them. And maybe it’s the romantic in me, but I think OP deserves to find true love, someone who considers her as their first choice and not just settled for. Life is too short.
Agreed. I think she should confront him with that email and point out that since he'd never expressed that kind of love for OP, she'll step out and try to find somebody who'll love her fully.
This kind of deception pisses me off. He thought he'd marry someone who loved him while he could at least hang in his true love's shadow.
How selfish.
Yup she said they been dating year and half and email confession was six weeks before proposal. My guess is he wanted to have one last ditch attempt at his first choice before moving into his second choice (op)
Well, they're not a perfect match. At least not romantically as a couple because they don't match in some significant ways. They might work as friends but they clearly don't work as partners. It sounds like your husband was "friend-zoned" a long time before this email and Rachel would never have chosen to be with him. Never did choose to be with him. Leaving him won't be about letting them be together - Rachel doesn't, and probably never did, want him.
Having said that, this is incredibly hard to take even though we're talking about ancient history from ten years ago. I really think this is above reddit's paygrade and you need to line up some counselling for yourself and eventually the two of you.
I don't think you need to confront Rachel - certainly not at this stage.
I'm not even sure "confront" is a good word to describe how you should talk to Chris. I think telling him you were talking to others in group and found out that he confessed his love for Rachel is enough. And he doesnt need the details of how you found out at this stage either - its kinda beside the point right now. What you are trying to do is figure out if this is something you can digest and live with. Right now is new and painful for you, for them, its ten year old news that was resolved and sorted out ten years ago so Chris will come at it with a different approach too.
You wouldn't be wrong to leave him if you can't reconcile this - but don't do it because you think they should be together.
Oh, you're NTA
They're not a perfect match right now, but once OPs kids who Rachel has a great bond with are all grown up and Rachel is older and no longer in a position to date as she is right now, OP's husband who is stable and has always loved her might be a great insurance plan.
OP should definitely consider this, Rachel and her husband kept each other in their lives, maintaining such closeness knowing he loved her. She's only secure so long as they're not compatible, but time might change that.
The new girlfriend, Taylor knew about your husband and Rachel. Something is still going on. Otherwise how would someone new in their group know things that you didn’t?
Good point, or Taylor asked about them and her boyfriend spilled the story. Which would be another level of betrayal if all the friend group knew and kept her in the dark. Why are people so shitty?
I think you need professional counseling to overcome this and see if you can forgive him or not. Of course you need to confront him but whatever he says wont unbreak your heart. You need time and therapy to heal. Good luck
You need to talk to your husband, not Rachel. Maybe she thinks that Chris has told you about his feelings for her, which obviously aren’t reciprocated back then (or now) so she’s done nothing wrong.
Also consider feelings do changeover time. There’s no telling that Chris actually still feels this way about Rachel. He could, or he could be completely happy with you and no longer has those romantic feelings for her.
Before you do anything, I think you need to decide what outcomes you are okay with if you have this conversation.
Would agree that feelings change over time but I think the icky part of the timing here is confession was six weeks before proposal after being together a year and a half.
If that email was before or even very early on in the relationship I’d give the guy some leeway
Your husband tried to get into a relationship with Rachel while he was with you, right before proposing to you. This is cheating.
Your husband kept Rachel in his life, spent time with her without you present, and brought her into your home while lying to you about the nature of their relationship for the entire duration. She isn’t just his friend, she’s his love interest. At best this demonstrates extreme disrespect to you and your relationship. At worst he has always been hoping for her to change her mind, or have an affair with her in a moment of weakness/drunkenness.
Rachel isn’t exactly blameless in this. She knew Chris was in a relationship with you when he confessed his undying love for her. She chose to hide this from you. At the very least she should’ve said it’s no longer appropriate to hang out with him after he was engaged and married to you.
You could confront your husband about this if you want, ask him how long he had had feelings for her, if he still loves her, if he would leave you for her if given the chance. He has already proven himself willing to lie about his feelings toward this woman so I don’t see what reason you would have to trust anything he says.
It seems that you really have two choices here - end the relationship or somehow become okay with forever watching your husband spend time with the woman who you now know he tried to leave you for. Good luck.
NTA. Well you snooped and found out the hard truth. I would never be with someone who always had me as second place. 10 years is a long time but if she ever decided to give that man a chance he would take off running. I would consider getting a therapist to decompress and talk about the email. I would also want to see how they communicate via text. It is a pretty big deal if everyone else in the friendship group has known about it minus you. Your relationship/marriage started off on false pretences and at this point is a complete lie. Get therapy, save the email, see if anything else has occurred via text, make sure you have support.
Omg did he confess to her when he was already with you?
I don't think you should confront him (like shouting and accusing), but you need to have a very necessary, serious and sincere conversation with him.
But first of all you need to understand your own feelings and decide if you can live and forgive the fact that he loved someone else for years and omitted/lied to you when you asked about their past.
Edit: you are obviously NTA, your feelings are valid.
I think finding out his feelings for Rachel puts all their interactions under a cloud.
You are bothered by the dishonesty from when you got together and his confirmation that there was nothing between them. It also strongly looks like you were his second choice because she rejected him.
Now his interactions with her also seems suspicious because it may feel like he's been conducting an emotional affair with her all these years.
To counter, you don't give any examples of him showing any preference or priority towards her all these years.
Also he may have felt that way ten years ago, but watching you be a mother and good wife may have changed that.
Loving someone after living with them is still different from a crush on your female bestie. All to say, who I thought was the love of my life ten years ago has definitely changed.
It would have been ideal if he had been forthright from the start. That small lie removed your choice and invalidated the belief that he proposed because he loved only you.
Also they may be too close if people are mistaking her for his wife - shared hobbies and all. Especially if they have a shared friend group. Why is nobody accusing her of being someone else's wife in the group...
You don't need to accuse him but you do need to have a conversation. I doubt he'd be comfortable if you had an almost ex boyfriend/crush around nonstop and with his kids- even if he was a great guy and you were not sexual. Some distance from Rachel is needed to determine if there is a marriage. It also seems that Rachel doesn't have a long term partner because they are meeting each other's emotional needs. I don't know any guy who'd be cool with his girlfriend being mistaken for her buddy's wife all the time.
You're not insecure or unreasonable. Your husband confessed his love to a friend who rejected him, he proposed to you soon after but she's still around. Almost too around. And now there's a worry that he might leave if she gave him the opportunity because you don't know the status of his feelings for her now.
You can try counseling and finding a hobby you both can share. Expect resistance - he has had the best of both worlds for a long time. He doesn't have to go NC but a little distance is recommended.
Only you know what you can live with. But this will build distrust and resentment for you every time they interact going forward
NTA. You deserve to be first choice to your husband and not a consolation prize, that’s just cruel and deceitful of your husband and Rachel. The fact that they continue to have a relationship is a betrayal and at minimum an EA. What if one day Rachel decides to want him? What happens to you? I would definitely confront as you need the truth so you can make the best decision for yourself.
Updateme
If you are cool with having a Sword of Damocles over your head at all times, by all means stay married to him. She doesn't feel "that way" about him, but if she ever changed her feelings, he'd drop you so fast your head would spin. Andre Agassi was in love with Steffi Graf from the second he met her. But she married someone else, so he moved on and ended up marrying Brooke Shields. Few years later, Steffi and her husband have problems, get divorced, and Andre *immediately* dumps Brooke. He and Steffi have been married for ages now. I've seen this exact scenario play out in my personal friend groups as well.
So no, don't stay married. Find the guy who YOU are the Rachael for.
Don’t listen to the idiots on this thread who are telling you to just accept this because you got the guy. I’m sorry sweetheart but you didn’t get the guy. He’s only with you because Rachel doesn’t want him. The fact that he confessed his feelings for her 6 weeks before proposing to you means that had she reciprocated his feelings he would have left you for her in a heartbeat. So the harsh reality is…. You are his second choice. The consolation prize and he made it clear he will never love another woman as much as he loves her and he made this declaration while he was with you. While he was apparently in love with you right? Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for feeling insecure because I guarantee if they were in this situation they’d feel the same. And trust me you have every right to feel this way after finding this out.
One thing you need to understand is that you deserve better than this. You deserve a man who’s heart is yours and only yours and has been from the moment he met you. So as you try to navigate your way through this I want you to ask yourself these questions. Are you really ok with wasting the rest of you life on a man who only chose you because he couldn’t have the one he truly wanted? Are you ok with the fact that he just settled for you? And no matter how hard you try he will never love you the way he loves her? He did say this after all. Which makes me wonder. Would he cut her out his life for you? If he had to chose between you and her which would he chose? So the answer to your question is no. You are not the TA. You’re someone who deserves better and I really hope you leave this guy and find it. Just be aware that when you do eventually confront him he will gaslight the hell out of you. He say it’s in the past and he loves you blah blah blah. But! That doesn’t change the fact he was willing to leave you for her and he probably would now if the opportunity came. She’s the love of his right? I’m sorry but we never truly get over someone who we feel that strongly for even if it was a long time ago. Gather your strength and leave this guy. There’s someone out there who will give you what you deserve.
People like you who were raised on disney princess happiness stories are the problem in this world.
She has an amazing family, a husband who treats her lovingly and with respect, and is happy in every aspect of their current life. Her husband and this woman once had a misunderstanding of feelings and handled it like adults, and lived on amicably as friends.
> You’re someone who deserves better
You're disconnected from reality if you think a middle aged person with 2 kids is going to uproot their life and find prince charming who has been saving his one true love for her. Your logic is that of people who believed that women should remain virgins because thats what their worth was tied up in. He loved another woman at one time, she didnt feel the same way, they both moved on as adults. End story. This is OPs insecurity showing and she needs a therapist, not to ruin her life by throwing it all away for a mythical person who has been waiting their entire life for her. You're a beachfront property owner on delulu island if you believe anything that you wrote.
Well hello Donnie 😁 and who might you be? You seem to know a lot about this marriage don’t you? I’m going to take a guess and say you know these people personally?
If that’s the case then perhaps you might want to read what was posted by the OP.
For starters this wasn’t some little misunderstanding of feelings. This so called amazing husband confessed his love for another woman while in a relationship with OP.
That’s cheating!
It’s was only when Rachel rejected him that he thought oh well I guess the OP will do.
And as for him being a loving and respectful husband?
Well if he had an ounce of respect for the OP he would have told her the truth about his feelings for Rachel 10 years ago and actually given her the choice to whether or not she wanted to be second best to Rachel. And he has shown even more disrespect to his married by staying emotionally involved with a woman who he claims ‘he will never love a woman more than he loves her’
As for the Disney Princess I didn’t know that we all had to be one to actually find someone who loves like we deserve 🤔
Is this a thing?
Because you see I didn’t need to live in a tower in the castle to find someone who loves me like I deserve.
And as for her uprooting her life. Are you suggesting she’s too old so she should just settle for a man who will always love someone else? You do realise there’s not exactly an age limit on when people meet and start dating right? I’m fact some of these people can be well into their fifties! Shocking I know but maybe that’s just my delusional Disney Princess conjuring this up.
As for her insecurity.
You make it sound like she has an illness.
But let me give you a little wisdom for that angry little brain of yours. She didn’t just wake up one day and become insecure for no reason.
This was something that has progressed over time due to her husband being all lovey dovey with his female bestie all the time who he would give anything to bang.
It’s the fact that he lied to his wife about the nature of their relationship and wasted 10 years of her life.
not to mention he hasn’t established boundaries with a woman who he’s clearly had very very strong feelings for and probably still does.
Then there’s the email. The last nail in the coffin that basically confirmed what the OP has known deep down all along.
That her husbands heart is with another woman and he literally crapped all over his marriage by bringing that woman into it.
If he’s such an amazing husband then why doesn’t he do the right thing and cut his precious Rachel out his life and actually fix his marriage?
Btw I’m sipping a cocktail on my beachfront property right now so cheers 🥂
You chronically post on drama subreddits because making up issues is your whole personality. Maybe you and OP can get a groupon discount on a therapist
Honey he has cheated on you, emotionally for years, not only that he made one last attempt to see if she felt anything for him and he would have dumped you, because she didn't he asked you to marry him.
I would confront him, and I wouldn't let it slip. I myself would end the marriage as the years of lies would be to much. But if you want to stay you have to confront him, tell him he has years to make up for and Rachel needs to go, no ifs buts maybes, he needs to tell her why and let that be that. She hasn't done nothing wrong, but he has done everything wrong. And now she can't be in your life if he wants to stay married
If he refuses then bye bye chris
You should confront your husband. If anything, maybe couples therapy will help set up some boundaries between you two and Rachel. Communication is key here.
NTA, if i found out my husband fell in love with someone else during our relationship id leave him, whether it be 10 minutes or 10 years ago. even if you weren’t married by then, you were still in a relationship and he still /tried/ to cheat on you by proclaiming his love to someone and proposing only AFTER she rejected him.
NTA. He lied by omission to you. By leaving out how he felt for Rachel and not giving you all the facts, you could not make an informed decision to spend your life with him.
Had he said “I’m in love with Rachel, but she rejected me, so I’m going with you” - you would have never said yes.
Also - Rachel sucks as well. If she had any integrity, she would have told you. How awful you’ve been around a woman for a decade who remembers his confession every time she looks at you.
I think that I would have left him without saying anything except leaving a copy of his email to Rachel in the counter along with your wedding ring. You should never be anyone’s second choice and he lied to you about his feelings for her and if push came to shove you know he would never 👎 choose you and your kids over her.
I hope 🤞 you find the person you’re meant to be with who loves you more than anyone else!
NTA you were lead into your marriage under false pretenses, by a man who was expressing his love to another while in a relationship with you only weeks before he proposed to you. Keep in mind this might have happened to him 10 years ago, but you only just now found out about it and you were robbed of making an actual choice for your future based on the truth. Emotional affairs are still cheating, and he is a worthless cheating bastard who saw you as a consolation prize even on your wedding day (beyond disgusting behavior). He has lied to you for now a decade about the very basis of your relationship, there isn't a lot left to rebuild, because nothing was built on truth and trust but on lies and affairs. But I will say this, Rachel should not be blamed for this (except for not being honest with you about it to begin with), at the end of the day Chris made all of these disgusting decisions and holds sole blame for them.
Absolutely agree with this. If she confronts him I hope she asks who he would have chosen if Rachel reciprocated his feelings 10 years ago. I guarantee he won’t want to answer that question and will probably try to deflect by putting the blame on her for snooping. I hope this OP updates but most importantly I hope she knows her worth.
NTA. You deserve to be love whole heartedly and not as a consolation prize because the one he wanted didnt want him.
Choose you. He would not have chosen you if Rachel gave any inclinations she wanted him 6 weeks before he proposed. He probably wouldn't choose you even now. So choose yourself.
NTA.
Chris confessed to Rachel while he was your boyfriend. That is cheating.
Rachel and Taylors BFs fault are that they knew and did not tell you.
They all lied to you. And has lied for 10+ years.
I would talk to your husband 10 years is a long time. Some people are better as friends.
I think the part that’s hard is not knowing if he will up and leave if Rachel changes her mind. I would probably bring up how you got the idea in your head and before admitting to snooping.
I know it’s bad to hide that but I think it will shift the topic away from what you need to talk about. Also if he keeps hiding it is something to bring up.
Definitely communication first, but it sucks to feel like runner up sorry about your situation it sucks.
1. When you go looking, you find what you didn’t need to find…
2. This email is from 10 years ago and it sounds like you’re assuming he’s still in love with her? Sounds like at the time he was wrestling with his feeling and decided to move on with someone that loved him back.
3. If they ONLY confession you can find is 10 years ago, to me it sounds like he DID in fact but his feelings for her down and moved on with his life with you…
If you WANT to confront your husband you can, but you’ll be confronting him about his feelings from 10 years ago…
BE OK WITH THE RESULTS, THE OUTCOME and CONSEQUENCES of KNOWING and confronting him…
1. What if he says he’s still in love with her? Are you going to divorce him?
2. What if he said he loved her onc, but is now and love with you and happy with his family and having her as a friend? Will you believe him?
Now that you know….WHAT’S NEXT? And whatever you decide is next, think about the outcome….
If this was only his feelings in the past, it would have been nice if OP received a love letter like that in the intervening 10 years. OP "thought" he felt that way for her, and if he ever did, he's been hiding that beside his love for his friend.
This is a little more than just feelings from 10 years ago. He was going to end things with the OP if Rachel had reciprocated his feelings. That much is obvious when he confessed his love to her while in a relationship with the OP!!! Just because this happened 10 years doesn’t erase the fact that it happened!!! Also he hasn’t moved on at all. He’s still very much emotionally attached to this woman and is currently enjoying the best of both worlds. He gets to continue his emotional affair while the OP stays home being the dutiful wife and mother, and that’s only because Rachel wouldn’t give it to him.
He is a selfish man.
As for your first comment ‘when you go looking you find what you didn’t need to find’ what exactly do you mean by this? Are you suggesting that she shouldn’t know about this? Are you saying she had no right to find out the truth by snooping through her husband’s emails? Because I strongly disagree. I sure as hell would snoop through my husband’s emails if I was sensing red flags and I wouldn’t care what anyone thought about it. But luckily for me it’s something I’ve never considered because I’m my husbands first choice. I’m the love of his life and I’ve never ever had to share him with a so called platonic female best friend. I hope the OP finds what I have
1. I never said she had “no right to find out”. I just simply said when you WANT to find out (which is her choice) be PREPARED to find out….
2. Also, people emotions for people change. I have a very close male friend that I’ve know maybe 10 years. We never “officially” dated but we met under the premise that we MIGHT…it just never worked. Maybe due to time or distance. But ultimately we fell into being just friends and those feelings faded. Just so we’re clear, he has expressly told me he thought he was gonna marry me. That’s how “instant” or connection was. But over time you CAN realize that your feelings are better suited as FRIENDS…now today (nearly 10 years later); we are like best friends… even our partners get along…
Feelings do in fact fade and people that once had feelings can be friends..
Which takes me to point #3
If she wants to comfort her husband, which is again her choice…
She should know mentally and emotionally what she wants the outcome to be…
Like I asked in the post: if he says yes, I’m still in love with her…is SHE ok with divorce and if he says no I’m NOT still in love with her and that email was a mistake that we laugh about today, will she believe him?
Does SHE want her marriage to end?
Just so I’m clear, I’m not BLAMING her…I’m encouraging her to be at peace with whatever she decides…
Feeling like you only won the grand prize because the other contestant didn’t compete….talk about a blow…
You’re friendship with your male friend is very different to this one. I’m going to guess that no love declarations were made to each other while you were in a relationship with someone else?
That’s the difference.
And yes people’s emotions do change over time but the fact he was willing to leave the OP for Rachel even if it was ten years ago speaks volumes. I personally couldn’t get passed that.
However I can see that you’re going for a more rational and open minded approach to giving this poor girl some advice and I honestly think she needs that along with the cold hard truth. I hope for the best for her and this is a heartbreaking situation.
To be honest, there was one point in which he was about to enter a committed relationship he did ask me if I was “sure”…wink wink…he was already “seeing her” but you could say they were dating but not “official”. I imagine if I would have said yes, they would not have made it to official…before meeting her he and I grew a bit closer bonding over something emotional going on in our lives….
So maybe not a full declaration of love, but a “are you sure you don’t want us to be a thing” kinda question….while this was years ago and he’s no longer with the person (single again); we are still close as ever and have not crossed that line…
So maybe I see it from the perspective of saying….”im about to move forward with someone….these are my feelings for you…..there’s something or COULD be something between us. Before I make this commitment to this person, speak now or forever hold your peace”
With that said, OP has a right to her feelings, but also think he has a right to express and “officially” close his…
I personally think she should talk to her husband directly, but I gotta say, I don’t see this coming to a conclusion she’s going to be happy with. She said she wants to leave him so he can be with the one he loves. 1. She’s assuming he’s still in love with her after 10 years and 2. That even if they did separate he’d be with her instead…both of these things could not be true (I’m not with my friend)…
Additionally, what if she tells him that he has to stop being friends with her…if they’re best friends like she says, I think the husband is gonna have a TOUGH choice to make and again, I don’t think she’s going to like it…sounds like this person has been in his life 20 years and highly engrained in his life and friendship circle…
Also for Rachel, she’s been nothing but a genuine friend to OP by extension of being friends with her husband. It sounds like she’s shown nothing but grace and respect…
But this all goes back to my first point earlier….when you go looking for answers, think through the results and what outcomes you’re ok with…
OP,U need to be more appreciative of urself .Never feel inferior to any woman or man .I think u have a no of good qualities and can go toe to toe with Rachel .U have high emotional intelligence which can b seen in d way u gave ur husband space with Rachel when u thought he had a friend relationship with her ..Dont consider rself any less beautiful than Rachel cos beauty is subjective and u can build confidence any time u put effort into urself ..Please leave.Get a Divorce and make sure u get 50%.or more. U will find a man who will love u better .
So I will ask you…
How much do your respect yourself? How much do you love yourself?
You deserve to be with someone who loves you. Not someone who made you the second choice. You deserve to be someone’s first choice.
You will find that. 100%. Just not in Chris. You deserve more.
NTA.
UpdateMe!
I can absolutely guarantee you that if she finally reciprocates his feelings and tells him that she loved him he would leave you in a heartbeat, do you really want to set yourself up for that? Quite frankly the older she gets the more she's probably going to want to settle down and that day will come. I'm sorry I know you're hurting but the bottom line is he did settle for you and he's not as in love with you as you are with him. You deserve better get out now before he decides that he's bored with you and wants to move on. There is somebody out there for you who will truly love you for you He's not that person.
NTA he lied by omission and technicality. There wasn’t anything between them because she shot him down. You have the perfect opening to ask him about it you were approached by someone that suggested there was more to their friendship prior to your marriage. If he doesn’t come clean ask him he to think about his answer because the information you were given suggests there were feelings involved. No threats no ultimatums.
“From over 10 years ago”. I think you need to get off reddit and talk to your husband. I think it’s valid to feel hurt by this, but your title gave the impression this happened recently. That’s ancient history, and he married you!
You need to have an actual discussion with him and see where he stands now and if you’re comfortable continuing. This isn’t like a normal cheating situation, this feels different. This feels really extra to blow up 10 years of marriage because he liked a girl before you were married. He didn’t cheat on you.
I think you should talk to him and then make a decision.
Definitely keep us updated, and I really hope that therapy gives you the clarity and strength you need going forward.
I know I've been pretty aggressive in my comments in this post, but that's because I'm feeling your pain. My heart breaks for you as I went through something similar with a past boyfriend.
Luckily, there were no children involved, so it was easier for me to walk away, but it still broke my heart nonetheless.
Luckily, I'm married to an amazing man now who, even though we are complete opposites, we are the best of friends, and he made me realise what it means to truly love and be loved.
I will say, please, please don't allow anyone on this thread or any friends or family to downgrade the magnitude of this situation by using the fact that it was ten years ago in the past. That email was an extremely intense declaration of feelings, and the fact remains that he would've left you for her back then had he been given the chance.
When you confront him just be aware that he will try to pass it off as past feelings that hold no merit now but I most definitely would he asking him what he would have done had she reciprocated his feelings. He won't want to answer that question because he knows the answer just as well as you do, and it will break your heart to hear it. But you deserve to know, so you can finally have the choice to decide how you want to move forward.
I also agree with many of the comments that he's living the best of both worlds. You have given him the wife, house, and children that he desired while Rachel is the one whom he has the deep connection with that's meeting his emotional needs. She is basically a third person in your marriage, and if we're you, I'd be insisting that change before going forward.
I don't believe Rachel is that innocent. She knew how he felt about her, and if she was a decent person, she would have taken a massive step back so that he could have the breathing room to build that deep connection with you. But she didn't. She's inserted herself into your marriage and has been holding onto a part of your husband that should belong to you.
When the day comes and you finally decide to address your husband about this, keep in mind there is going to be denial and resistance from him. He's not going to want things to change but if he really loves you as much as he is most likely going to declare he does then he would be willing to put some much needed distance between him and Rachel to save your marriage. Not only that, but he must be willing to keep that distance from her and enforce boundaries not just temporarily but for the rest of your life.
Rachel needs to go and find someone who isn't a married man to meet her emotional needs. It's not Rachel's place to be sitting in YOUR home for hours having deep and meaningful conversations with YOUR husband. It's also not her place to be consistently stealing his time away from you. He's your husband, not hers, and that's your time with him when the kids are in bed.
As for his friends, they will no doubt have his side in all of this, but I wonder how they would feel if this happened to them? It's easy for someone to downplay a situation like this and to imply a person is overacting over a situation when they've never experienced the heartbreak of finding out their partner was trying to leave them for someone else, even if it was ten years ago. I doubt very much they would just let something like this go.
This brings to me my next question. What exactly happened that triggered Taylor to question her partner about the relationship between your husband and Rachel?
What exactly did she see? Was it they way they interacted with each other? Or did she spot some chemistry between them? Either way the fact that she saw something and felt the need to mention it means that it probably didn't seem right to her, which means his friends probably see it too yet blatantly chose to turn a blind eye to it. That thought sickens me and makes me question what kind of people they are that they would think this is ok.
Anyways I truly hope everything works out for you. I really do and even though part of me wants to scream at you to divorce him, I do know when you love someone it's not that easy to just walk away especially when you have children and have built a life together. If you do manage to get your husband to see things from your perspective and you guys do want to work things out, I strongly recommend marriage counselling and i strongly recommend that you don't back down when telling him that he needs to cut the emotional attachment to Rachel once and for all.
I would offer my perspective as someone who has had an experience with a partner snooping through my messages.
First of all, I would like to mention that snooping is never right. My partner read my messages to my ex boyfriend before he became an ex, and got extremely mad at me for not telling him things about my previous relationship—which to me felt like “duh”, it was in the past, what’s the importance?!
The email you’ve read was from 10 years ago. I’ve had feelings for a good friend before and never even confessed. Even if I was in a relationship, I still feel butterflies when he’s around me. It’s just like meeting a celebrity you have a huge crush on. Now, several years later, I still find him good-looking but our relationship has been platonic.
I would assume that your husband was in the same shoes as I was. But unlike me, he actually confessed. I think this didn’t diminish my love for my current partner at that time, but it would just have been a great relief to get it out of my system. Since Rachel rejected him, it felt nicer because he knows where he stand. He wouldn’t have a “what if” moment.
You mentioned that he is a perfect partner and I wouldn’t doubt that. You have wonderful kids and the relationship works. What you need to work on, however, is your self-confidence. Why do you need to be a part of their group when you already know it just doesn’t match? I would suggest finding your own hobbies, learning new things, etc. Focus on your self-growth. I wouldn’t even bat my eye on Rachel because 1.) I have the husband 2.) I have the kids 3.) I have my own life 4.) She already rejected your husband. Unless she puts too much effort to push herself into the family, then speak with her.
Try not to think of yourself as an alternative—this is ridiculous. Your marriage won’t last 10 years, if you are one. He wouldn’t propose to you if he thinks you’re not someone he could spend the rest of his life with. I think your insecurity will ruin the marriage if you spend your life thinking like this.
‘Your insecurity will ruin your marriage’ what kind of comment is that? She has every right to feel insecure. Her husband messaged this woman 6 weeks before proposing confessing his love. Had she reciprocated his feelings he would have dropped the OP like a hat. So yes she a consolation prize. She’s second best because he pretty much just settled for her because he couldn’t have the woman he wants. Your advice is honestly the worst in this thread. You’re basically telling her that she should accept that she will never be the love of his life and get over it because he’s with her and that’s what counts? What rubbish! Could be with someone knowing you were never their first choice? Could you be with someone knowing they’re only with you because the person they truly want doesn’t want them? If the answer is yes then I feel sorry for you. That’s lacking self respect to the core.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but what is the problem here? He was turned down 10 years ago by this woman, but they remained friends. So what? Does that invalidate tell love you've felt for each other and your children all this time? You're seriously going to throw away 10 years of happiness because of an old email and an off comment a stranger said? I've been rejected by people and we've remained friends, I've rejected people myself and we've remained friends. I don't really understand why it's that serious. Plus, him and Rachael clearly wanted different things in life. He wanted you enough to marry you and have kids. Maybe he's secretly still in love with her, and he's been emotionally cheating all this time but... I just don't get that impression at all from what you've written. I think you're reading way too deep into this. Take a step back, relax and ask your husband about it and his feelings on it. Don't nuke your whole life because a friend's girlfriend has crap conversation skills. At least investigate a little bit, and try to remain calm too. As a 30 year old man myself, the idea of marrying and having kids with someone that's my 'second choice' sounds like torture. I'd genuinely rather be alone than live like that.
He is married to you. He is in love with you. That email was in the past. You have since given him children and built a life together. If you can’t put it where it belongs in the past and move on then talk to your husband. He felt that way once that doesn’t mean he feels that way today. Things change, feelings change and life goes on.
I think you’re missing the part where he confessed his love for Rachel while in a series relationship with the OP!!! There’s nothing ok with that and no he doesn’t love her, not like she deserves anyway because otherwise he wouldn’t have tried to leave her for Rachel. Regardless of whether or not it was in the past doesn’t erase the fact that it happened. Could you live with something like this? Knowing that you’re the second choice?
So you were dating when he confessed to Rachel? Isn’t that cheating?
This!! Looks like he married you as a consolation prize, I’d definitely talk to him and see if he’s still in love with her, and if he isn’t he should distance himself from this friendship
Idk if it was me, the trust would be gone so there wouldn’t be anything to save. He also lied that nothing had happened between them. And maybe it’s the romantic in me, but I think OP deserves to find true love, someone who considers her as their first choice and not just settled for. Life is too short.
Agreed. I think she should confront him with that email and point out that since he'd never expressed that kind of love for OP, she'll step out and try to find somebody who'll love her fully. This kind of deception pisses me off. He thought he'd marry someone who loved him while he could at least hang in his true love's shadow. How selfish.
Yup she said they been dating year and half and email confession was six weeks before proposal. My guess is he wanted to have one last ditch attempt at his first choice before moving into his second choice (op)
Well, they're not a perfect match. At least not romantically as a couple because they don't match in some significant ways. They might work as friends but they clearly don't work as partners. It sounds like your husband was "friend-zoned" a long time before this email and Rachel would never have chosen to be with him. Never did choose to be with him. Leaving him won't be about letting them be together - Rachel doesn't, and probably never did, want him. Having said that, this is incredibly hard to take even though we're talking about ancient history from ten years ago. I really think this is above reddit's paygrade and you need to line up some counselling for yourself and eventually the two of you. I don't think you need to confront Rachel - certainly not at this stage. I'm not even sure "confront" is a good word to describe how you should talk to Chris. I think telling him you were talking to others in group and found out that he confessed his love for Rachel is enough. And he doesnt need the details of how you found out at this stage either - its kinda beside the point right now. What you are trying to do is figure out if this is something you can digest and live with. Right now is new and painful for you, for them, its ten year old news that was resolved and sorted out ten years ago so Chris will come at it with a different approach too. You wouldn't be wrong to leave him if you can't reconcile this - but don't do it because you think they should be together. Oh, you're NTA
They're not a perfect match right now, but once OPs kids who Rachel has a great bond with are all grown up and Rachel is older and no longer in a position to date as she is right now, OP's husband who is stable and has always loved her might be a great insurance plan. OP should definitely consider this, Rachel and her husband kept each other in their lives, maintaining such closeness knowing he loved her. She's only secure so long as they're not compatible, but time might change that.
The new girlfriend, Taylor knew about your husband and Rachel. Something is still going on. Otherwise how would someone new in their group know things that you didn’t?
Good point, or Taylor asked about them and her boyfriend spilled the story. Which would be another level of betrayal if all the friend group knew and kept her in the dark. Why are people so shitty?
True.
Because they're people.
I think you need professional counseling to overcome this and see if you can forgive him or not. Of course you need to confront him but whatever he says wont unbreak your heart. You need time and therapy to heal. Good luck
Agreed, counseling. This confession are 10 years ago hubby, not now hubby. You both are gonna need therapy.
You need to talk to your husband, not Rachel. Maybe she thinks that Chris has told you about his feelings for her, which obviously aren’t reciprocated back then (or now) so she’s done nothing wrong. Also consider feelings do changeover time. There’s no telling that Chris actually still feels this way about Rachel. He could, or he could be completely happy with you and no longer has those romantic feelings for her. Before you do anything, I think you need to decide what outcomes you are okay with if you have this conversation.
Would agree that feelings change over time but I think the icky part of the timing here is confession was six weeks before proposal after being together a year and a half. If that email was before or even very early on in the relationship I’d give the guy some leeway
But Chris never sent an email to OP expressing that level of love. She has always been 2nd best -- at most.
Your husband tried to get into a relationship with Rachel while he was with you, right before proposing to you. This is cheating. Your husband kept Rachel in his life, spent time with her without you present, and brought her into your home while lying to you about the nature of their relationship for the entire duration. She isn’t just his friend, she’s his love interest. At best this demonstrates extreme disrespect to you and your relationship. At worst he has always been hoping for her to change her mind, or have an affair with her in a moment of weakness/drunkenness. Rachel isn’t exactly blameless in this. She knew Chris was in a relationship with you when he confessed his undying love for her. She chose to hide this from you. At the very least she should’ve said it’s no longer appropriate to hang out with him after he was engaged and married to you. You could confront your husband about this if you want, ask him how long he had had feelings for her, if he still loves her, if he would leave you for her if given the chance. He has already proven himself willing to lie about his feelings toward this woman so I don’t see what reason you would have to trust anything he says. It seems that you really have two choices here - end the relationship or somehow become okay with forever watching your husband spend time with the woman who you now know he tried to leave you for. Good luck.
NTA. Well you snooped and found out the hard truth. I would never be with someone who always had me as second place. 10 years is a long time but if she ever decided to give that man a chance he would take off running. I would consider getting a therapist to decompress and talk about the email. I would also want to see how they communicate via text. It is a pretty big deal if everyone else in the friendship group has known about it minus you. Your relationship/marriage started off on false pretences and at this point is a complete lie. Get therapy, save the email, see if anything else has occurred via text, make sure you have support.
Omg did he confess to her when he was already with you? I don't think you should confront him (like shouting and accusing), but you need to have a very necessary, serious and sincere conversation with him. But first of all you need to understand your own feelings and decide if you can live and forgive the fact that he loved someone else for years and omitted/lied to you when you asked about their past. Edit: you are obviously NTA, your feelings are valid.
I think finding out his feelings for Rachel puts all their interactions under a cloud. You are bothered by the dishonesty from when you got together and his confirmation that there was nothing between them. It also strongly looks like you were his second choice because she rejected him. Now his interactions with her also seems suspicious because it may feel like he's been conducting an emotional affair with her all these years. To counter, you don't give any examples of him showing any preference or priority towards her all these years. Also he may have felt that way ten years ago, but watching you be a mother and good wife may have changed that. Loving someone after living with them is still different from a crush on your female bestie. All to say, who I thought was the love of my life ten years ago has definitely changed. It would have been ideal if he had been forthright from the start. That small lie removed your choice and invalidated the belief that he proposed because he loved only you. Also they may be too close if people are mistaking her for his wife - shared hobbies and all. Especially if they have a shared friend group. Why is nobody accusing her of being someone else's wife in the group... You don't need to accuse him but you do need to have a conversation. I doubt he'd be comfortable if you had an almost ex boyfriend/crush around nonstop and with his kids- even if he was a great guy and you were not sexual. Some distance from Rachel is needed to determine if there is a marriage. It also seems that Rachel doesn't have a long term partner because they are meeting each other's emotional needs. I don't know any guy who'd be cool with his girlfriend being mistaken for her buddy's wife all the time. You're not insecure or unreasonable. Your husband confessed his love to a friend who rejected him, he proposed to you soon after but she's still around. Almost too around. And now there's a worry that he might leave if she gave him the opportunity because you don't know the status of his feelings for her now. You can try counseling and finding a hobby you both can share. Expect resistance - he has had the best of both worlds for a long time. He doesn't have to go NC but a little distance is recommended. Only you know what you can live with. But this will build distrust and resentment for you every time they interact going forward
NTA. You deserve to be first choice to your husband and not a consolation prize, that’s just cruel and deceitful of your husband and Rachel. The fact that they continue to have a relationship is a betrayal and at minimum an EA. What if one day Rachel decides to want him? What happens to you? I would definitely confront as you need the truth so you can make the best decision for yourself. Updateme
If you are cool with having a Sword of Damocles over your head at all times, by all means stay married to him. She doesn't feel "that way" about him, but if she ever changed her feelings, he'd drop you so fast your head would spin. Andre Agassi was in love with Steffi Graf from the second he met her. But she married someone else, so he moved on and ended up marrying Brooke Shields. Few years later, Steffi and her husband have problems, get divorced, and Andre *immediately* dumps Brooke. He and Steffi have been married for ages now. I've seen this exact scenario play out in my personal friend groups as well. So no, don't stay married. Find the guy who YOU are the Rachael for.
Don’t listen to the idiots on this thread who are telling you to just accept this because you got the guy. I’m sorry sweetheart but you didn’t get the guy. He’s only with you because Rachel doesn’t want him. The fact that he confessed his feelings for her 6 weeks before proposing to you means that had she reciprocated his feelings he would have left you for her in a heartbeat. So the harsh reality is…. You are his second choice. The consolation prize and he made it clear he will never love another woman as much as he loves her and he made this declaration while he was with you. While he was apparently in love with you right? Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for feeling insecure because I guarantee if they were in this situation they’d feel the same. And trust me you have every right to feel this way after finding this out. One thing you need to understand is that you deserve better than this. You deserve a man who’s heart is yours and only yours and has been from the moment he met you. So as you try to navigate your way through this I want you to ask yourself these questions. Are you really ok with wasting the rest of you life on a man who only chose you because he couldn’t have the one he truly wanted? Are you ok with the fact that he just settled for you? And no matter how hard you try he will never love you the way he loves her? He did say this after all. Which makes me wonder. Would he cut her out his life for you? If he had to chose between you and her which would he chose? So the answer to your question is no. You are not the TA. You’re someone who deserves better and I really hope you leave this guy and find it. Just be aware that when you do eventually confront him he will gaslight the hell out of you. He say it’s in the past and he loves you blah blah blah. But! That doesn’t change the fact he was willing to leave you for her and he probably would now if the opportunity came. She’s the love of his right? I’m sorry but we never truly get over someone who we feel that strongly for even if it was a long time ago. Gather your strength and leave this guy. There’s someone out there who will give you what you deserve.
People like you who were raised on disney princess happiness stories are the problem in this world. She has an amazing family, a husband who treats her lovingly and with respect, and is happy in every aspect of their current life. Her husband and this woman once had a misunderstanding of feelings and handled it like adults, and lived on amicably as friends. > You’re someone who deserves better You're disconnected from reality if you think a middle aged person with 2 kids is going to uproot their life and find prince charming who has been saving his one true love for her. Your logic is that of people who believed that women should remain virgins because thats what their worth was tied up in. He loved another woman at one time, she didnt feel the same way, they both moved on as adults. End story. This is OPs insecurity showing and she needs a therapist, not to ruin her life by throwing it all away for a mythical person who has been waiting their entire life for her. You're a beachfront property owner on delulu island if you believe anything that you wrote.
Well hello Donnie 😁 and who might you be? You seem to know a lot about this marriage don’t you? I’m going to take a guess and say you know these people personally? If that’s the case then perhaps you might want to read what was posted by the OP. For starters this wasn’t some little misunderstanding of feelings. This so called amazing husband confessed his love for another woman while in a relationship with OP. That’s cheating! It’s was only when Rachel rejected him that he thought oh well I guess the OP will do. And as for him being a loving and respectful husband? Well if he had an ounce of respect for the OP he would have told her the truth about his feelings for Rachel 10 years ago and actually given her the choice to whether or not she wanted to be second best to Rachel. And he has shown even more disrespect to his married by staying emotionally involved with a woman who he claims ‘he will never love a woman more than he loves her’ As for the Disney Princess I didn’t know that we all had to be one to actually find someone who loves like we deserve 🤔 Is this a thing? Because you see I didn’t need to live in a tower in the castle to find someone who loves me like I deserve. And as for her uprooting her life. Are you suggesting she’s too old so she should just settle for a man who will always love someone else? You do realise there’s not exactly an age limit on when people meet and start dating right? I’m fact some of these people can be well into their fifties! Shocking I know but maybe that’s just my delusional Disney Princess conjuring this up. As for her insecurity. You make it sound like she has an illness. But let me give you a little wisdom for that angry little brain of yours. She didn’t just wake up one day and become insecure for no reason. This was something that has progressed over time due to her husband being all lovey dovey with his female bestie all the time who he would give anything to bang. It’s the fact that he lied to his wife about the nature of their relationship and wasted 10 years of her life. not to mention he hasn’t established boundaries with a woman who he’s clearly had very very strong feelings for and probably still does. Then there’s the email. The last nail in the coffin that basically confirmed what the OP has known deep down all along. That her husbands heart is with another woman and he literally crapped all over his marriage by bringing that woman into it. If he’s such an amazing husband then why doesn’t he do the right thing and cut his precious Rachel out his life and actually fix his marriage? Btw I’m sipping a cocktail on my beachfront property right now so cheers 🥂
You chronically post on drama subreddits because making up issues is your whole personality. Maybe you and OP can get a groupon discount on a therapist
Honey he has cheated on you, emotionally for years, not only that he made one last attempt to see if she felt anything for him and he would have dumped you, because she didn't he asked you to marry him. I would confront him, and I wouldn't let it slip. I myself would end the marriage as the years of lies would be to much. But if you want to stay you have to confront him, tell him he has years to make up for and Rachel needs to go, no ifs buts maybes, he needs to tell her why and let that be that. She hasn't done nothing wrong, but he has done everything wrong. And now she can't be in your life if he wants to stay married If he refuses then bye bye chris
You should confront your husband. If anything, maybe couples therapy will help set up some boundaries between you two and Rachel. Communication is key here.
That’s rough. Nta for thinking of leaving, I’m not sure I could get past this.
NTA, if i found out my husband fell in love with someone else during our relationship id leave him, whether it be 10 minutes or 10 years ago. even if you weren’t married by then, you were still in a relationship and he still /tried/ to cheat on you by proclaiming his love to someone and proposing only AFTER she rejected him.
NTA. He lied by omission to you. By leaving out how he felt for Rachel and not giving you all the facts, you could not make an informed decision to spend your life with him. Had he said “I’m in love with Rachel, but she rejected me, so I’m going with you” - you would have never said yes. Also - Rachel sucks as well. If she had any integrity, she would have told you. How awful you’ve been around a woman for a decade who remembers his confession every time she looks at you.
Nta it's clear that your husband only married you so that he would have a wife and kids, and not for you. You deserve to be someone's first choice.
I think that I would have left him without saying anything except leaving a copy of his email to Rachel in the counter along with your wedding ring. You should never be anyone’s second choice and he lied to you about his feelings for her and if push came to shove you know he would never 👎 choose you and your kids over her. I hope 🤞 you find the person you’re meant to be with who loves you more than anyone else!
I really hope she does this. The husband is just going to gaslight her if she confronts him
NTA… Updateme!
NTA you were lead into your marriage under false pretenses, by a man who was expressing his love to another while in a relationship with you only weeks before he proposed to you. Keep in mind this might have happened to him 10 years ago, but you only just now found out about it and you were robbed of making an actual choice for your future based on the truth. Emotional affairs are still cheating, and he is a worthless cheating bastard who saw you as a consolation prize even on your wedding day (beyond disgusting behavior). He has lied to you for now a decade about the very basis of your relationship, there isn't a lot left to rebuild, because nothing was built on truth and trust but on lies and affairs. But I will say this, Rachel should not be blamed for this (except for not being honest with you about it to begin with), at the end of the day Chris made all of these disgusting decisions and holds sole blame for them.
Absolutely agree with this. If she confronts him I hope she asks who he would have chosen if Rachel reciprocated his feelings 10 years ago. I guarantee he won’t want to answer that question and will probably try to deflect by putting the blame on her for snooping. I hope this OP updates but most importantly I hope she knows her worth.
This is written like a novella which makes me doubt its authenticity.
I wondered the same. If she doesn’t respond to any of the comments or update I’m going to assume this is some kind of creative writing project.
NTA. You deserve to be love whole heartedly and not as a consolation prize because the one he wanted didnt want him. Choose you. He would not have chosen you if Rachel gave any inclinations she wanted him 6 weeks before he proposed. He probably wouldn't choose you even now. So choose yourself.
NTA. Chris confessed to Rachel while he was your boyfriend. That is cheating. Rachel and Taylors BFs fault are that they knew and did not tell you. They all lied to you. And has lied for 10+ years.
Absolutely not I personally would have already left
I would talk to your husband 10 years is a long time. Some people are better as friends. I think the part that’s hard is not knowing if he will up and leave if Rachel changes her mind. I would probably bring up how you got the idea in your head and before admitting to snooping. I know it’s bad to hide that but I think it will shift the topic away from what you need to talk about. Also if he keeps hiding it is something to bring up. Definitely communication first, but it sucks to feel like runner up sorry about your situation it sucks.
yep, life sucks. I feel bad for you. best luck !!
1. When you go looking, you find what you didn’t need to find… 2. This email is from 10 years ago and it sounds like you’re assuming he’s still in love with her? Sounds like at the time he was wrestling with his feeling and decided to move on with someone that loved him back. 3. If they ONLY confession you can find is 10 years ago, to me it sounds like he DID in fact but his feelings for her down and moved on with his life with you… If you WANT to confront your husband you can, but you’ll be confronting him about his feelings from 10 years ago… BE OK WITH THE RESULTS, THE OUTCOME and CONSEQUENCES of KNOWING and confronting him… 1. What if he says he’s still in love with her? Are you going to divorce him? 2. What if he said he loved her onc, but is now and love with you and happy with his family and having her as a friend? Will you believe him? Now that you know….WHAT’S NEXT? And whatever you decide is next, think about the outcome….
If this was only his feelings in the past, it would have been nice if OP received a love letter like that in the intervening 10 years. OP "thought" he felt that way for her, and if he ever did, he's been hiding that beside his love for his friend.
This is a little more than just feelings from 10 years ago. He was going to end things with the OP if Rachel had reciprocated his feelings. That much is obvious when he confessed his love to her while in a relationship with the OP!!! Just because this happened 10 years doesn’t erase the fact that it happened!!! Also he hasn’t moved on at all. He’s still very much emotionally attached to this woman and is currently enjoying the best of both worlds. He gets to continue his emotional affair while the OP stays home being the dutiful wife and mother, and that’s only because Rachel wouldn’t give it to him. He is a selfish man. As for your first comment ‘when you go looking you find what you didn’t need to find’ what exactly do you mean by this? Are you suggesting that she shouldn’t know about this? Are you saying she had no right to find out the truth by snooping through her husband’s emails? Because I strongly disagree. I sure as hell would snoop through my husband’s emails if I was sensing red flags and I wouldn’t care what anyone thought about it. But luckily for me it’s something I’ve never considered because I’m my husbands first choice. I’m the love of his life and I’ve never ever had to share him with a so called platonic female best friend. I hope the OP finds what I have
1. I never said she had “no right to find out”. I just simply said when you WANT to find out (which is her choice) be PREPARED to find out…. 2. Also, people emotions for people change. I have a very close male friend that I’ve know maybe 10 years. We never “officially” dated but we met under the premise that we MIGHT…it just never worked. Maybe due to time or distance. But ultimately we fell into being just friends and those feelings faded. Just so we’re clear, he has expressly told me he thought he was gonna marry me. That’s how “instant” or connection was. But over time you CAN realize that your feelings are better suited as FRIENDS…now today (nearly 10 years later); we are like best friends… even our partners get along… Feelings do in fact fade and people that once had feelings can be friends.. Which takes me to point #3 If she wants to comfort her husband, which is again her choice… She should know mentally and emotionally what she wants the outcome to be… Like I asked in the post: if he says yes, I’m still in love with her…is SHE ok with divorce and if he says no I’m NOT still in love with her and that email was a mistake that we laugh about today, will she believe him? Does SHE want her marriage to end? Just so I’m clear, I’m not BLAMING her…I’m encouraging her to be at peace with whatever she decides… Feeling like you only won the grand prize because the other contestant didn’t compete….talk about a blow…
You’re friendship with your male friend is very different to this one. I’m going to guess that no love declarations were made to each other while you were in a relationship with someone else? That’s the difference. And yes people’s emotions do change over time but the fact he was willing to leave the OP for Rachel even if it was ten years ago speaks volumes. I personally couldn’t get passed that. However I can see that you’re going for a more rational and open minded approach to giving this poor girl some advice and I honestly think she needs that along with the cold hard truth. I hope for the best for her and this is a heartbreaking situation.
To be honest, there was one point in which he was about to enter a committed relationship he did ask me if I was “sure”…wink wink…he was already “seeing her” but you could say they were dating but not “official”. I imagine if I would have said yes, they would not have made it to official…before meeting her he and I grew a bit closer bonding over something emotional going on in our lives…. So maybe not a full declaration of love, but a “are you sure you don’t want us to be a thing” kinda question….while this was years ago and he’s no longer with the person (single again); we are still close as ever and have not crossed that line… So maybe I see it from the perspective of saying….”im about to move forward with someone….these are my feelings for you…..there’s something or COULD be something between us. Before I make this commitment to this person, speak now or forever hold your peace” With that said, OP has a right to her feelings, but also think he has a right to express and “officially” close his… I personally think she should talk to her husband directly, but I gotta say, I don’t see this coming to a conclusion she’s going to be happy with. She said she wants to leave him so he can be with the one he loves. 1. She’s assuming he’s still in love with her after 10 years and 2. That even if they did separate he’d be with her instead…both of these things could not be true (I’m not with my friend)… Additionally, what if she tells him that he has to stop being friends with her…if they’re best friends like she says, I think the husband is gonna have a TOUGH choice to make and again, I don’t think she’s going to like it…sounds like this person has been in his life 20 years and highly engrained in his life and friendship circle… Also for Rachel, she’s been nothing but a genuine friend to OP by extension of being friends with her husband. It sounds like she’s shown nothing but grace and respect… But this all goes back to my first point earlier….when you go looking for answers, think through the results and what outcomes you’re ok with…
Updateme!
UpdateMe
UpdateMe
! Updateme
Why does he still have 10-year-old emails with Rachel?
OP,U need to be more appreciative of urself .Never feel inferior to any woman or man .I think u have a no of good qualities and can go toe to toe with Rachel .U have high emotional intelligence which can b seen in d way u gave ur husband space with Rachel when u thought he had a friend relationship with her ..Dont consider rself any less beautiful than Rachel cos beauty is subjective and u can build confidence any time u put effort into urself ..Please leave.Get a Divorce and make sure u get 50%.or more. U will find a man who will love u better .
So I will ask you… How much do your respect yourself? How much do you love yourself? You deserve to be with someone who loves you. Not someone who made you the second choice. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. You will find that. 100%. Just not in Chris. You deserve more. NTA. UpdateMe!
I can absolutely guarantee you that if she finally reciprocates his feelings and tells him that she loved him he would leave you in a heartbeat, do you really want to set yourself up for that? Quite frankly the older she gets the more she's probably going to want to settle down and that day will come. I'm sorry I know you're hurting but the bottom line is he did settle for you and he's not as in love with you as you are with him. You deserve better get out now before he decides that he's bored with you and wants to move on. There is somebody out there for you who will truly love you for you He's not that person.
NTA - kinda had all the pertinent info in the title i think. Damn I need to work on my reading comprehension for this sub reddit 😅
NTA he lied by omission and technicality. There wasn’t anything between them because she shot him down. You have the perfect opening to ask him about it you were approached by someone that suggested there was more to their friendship prior to your marriage. If he doesn’t come clean ask him he to think about his answer because the information you were given suggests there were feelings involved. No threats no ultimatums.
“From over 10 years ago”. I think you need to get off reddit and talk to your husband. I think it’s valid to feel hurt by this, but your title gave the impression this happened recently. That’s ancient history, and he married you! You need to have an actual discussion with him and see where he stands now and if you’re comfortable continuing. This isn’t like a normal cheating situation, this feels different. This feels really extra to blow up 10 years of marriage because he liked a girl before you were married. He didn’t cheat on you. I think you should talk to him and then make a decision.
Definitely keep us updated, and I really hope that therapy gives you the clarity and strength you need going forward. I know I've been pretty aggressive in my comments in this post, but that's because I'm feeling your pain. My heart breaks for you as I went through something similar with a past boyfriend. Luckily, there were no children involved, so it was easier for me to walk away, but it still broke my heart nonetheless. Luckily, I'm married to an amazing man now who, even though we are complete opposites, we are the best of friends, and he made me realise what it means to truly love and be loved. I will say, please, please don't allow anyone on this thread or any friends or family to downgrade the magnitude of this situation by using the fact that it was ten years ago in the past. That email was an extremely intense declaration of feelings, and the fact remains that he would've left you for her back then had he been given the chance. When you confront him just be aware that he will try to pass it off as past feelings that hold no merit now but I most definitely would he asking him what he would have done had she reciprocated his feelings. He won't want to answer that question because he knows the answer just as well as you do, and it will break your heart to hear it. But you deserve to know, so you can finally have the choice to decide how you want to move forward. I also agree with many of the comments that he's living the best of both worlds. You have given him the wife, house, and children that he desired while Rachel is the one whom he has the deep connection with that's meeting his emotional needs. She is basically a third person in your marriage, and if we're you, I'd be insisting that change before going forward. I don't believe Rachel is that innocent. She knew how he felt about her, and if she was a decent person, she would have taken a massive step back so that he could have the breathing room to build that deep connection with you. But she didn't. She's inserted herself into your marriage and has been holding onto a part of your husband that should belong to you. When the day comes and you finally decide to address your husband about this, keep in mind there is going to be denial and resistance from him. He's not going to want things to change but if he really loves you as much as he is most likely going to declare he does then he would be willing to put some much needed distance between him and Rachel to save your marriage. Not only that, but he must be willing to keep that distance from her and enforce boundaries not just temporarily but for the rest of your life. Rachel needs to go and find someone who isn't a married man to meet her emotional needs. It's not Rachel's place to be sitting in YOUR home for hours having deep and meaningful conversations with YOUR husband. It's also not her place to be consistently stealing his time away from you. He's your husband, not hers, and that's your time with him when the kids are in bed. As for his friends, they will no doubt have his side in all of this, but I wonder how they would feel if this happened to them? It's easy for someone to downplay a situation like this and to imply a person is overacting over a situation when they've never experienced the heartbreak of finding out their partner was trying to leave them for someone else, even if it was ten years ago. I doubt very much they would just let something like this go. This brings to me my next question. What exactly happened that triggered Taylor to question her partner about the relationship between your husband and Rachel? What exactly did she see? Was it they way they interacted with each other? Or did she spot some chemistry between them? Either way the fact that she saw something and felt the need to mention it means that it probably didn't seem right to her, which means his friends probably see it too yet blatantly chose to turn a blind eye to it. That thought sickens me and makes me question what kind of people they are that they would think this is ok. Anyways I truly hope everything works out for you. I really do and even though part of me wants to scream at you to divorce him, I do know when you love someone it's not that easy to just walk away especially when you have children and have built a life together. If you do manage to get your husband to see things from your perspective and you guys do want to work things out, I strongly recommend marriage counselling and i strongly recommend that you don't back down when telling him that he needs to cut the emotional attachment to Rachel once and for all.
I would offer my perspective as someone who has had an experience with a partner snooping through my messages. First of all, I would like to mention that snooping is never right. My partner read my messages to my ex boyfriend before he became an ex, and got extremely mad at me for not telling him things about my previous relationship—which to me felt like “duh”, it was in the past, what’s the importance?! The email you’ve read was from 10 years ago. I’ve had feelings for a good friend before and never even confessed. Even if I was in a relationship, I still feel butterflies when he’s around me. It’s just like meeting a celebrity you have a huge crush on. Now, several years later, I still find him good-looking but our relationship has been platonic. I would assume that your husband was in the same shoes as I was. But unlike me, he actually confessed. I think this didn’t diminish my love for my current partner at that time, but it would just have been a great relief to get it out of my system. Since Rachel rejected him, it felt nicer because he knows where he stand. He wouldn’t have a “what if” moment. You mentioned that he is a perfect partner and I wouldn’t doubt that. You have wonderful kids and the relationship works. What you need to work on, however, is your self-confidence. Why do you need to be a part of their group when you already know it just doesn’t match? I would suggest finding your own hobbies, learning new things, etc. Focus on your self-growth. I wouldn’t even bat my eye on Rachel because 1.) I have the husband 2.) I have the kids 3.) I have my own life 4.) She already rejected your husband. Unless she puts too much effort to push herself into the family, then speak with her. Try not to think of yourself as an alternative—this is ridiculous. Your marriage won’t last 10 years, if you are one. He wouldn’t propose to you if he thinks you’re not someone he could spend the rest of his life with. I think your insecurity will ruin the marriage if you spend your life thinking like this.
‘Your insecurity will ruin your marriage’ what kind of comment is that? She has every right to feel insecure. Her husband messaged this woman 6 weeks before proposing confessing his love. Had she reciprocated his feelings he would have dropped the OP like a hat. So yes she a consolation prize. She’s second best because he pretty much just settled for her because he couldn’t have the woman he wants. Your advice is honestly the worst in this thread. You’re basically telling her that she should accept that she will never be the love of his life and get over it because he’s with her and that’s what counts? What rubbish! Could be with someone knowing you were never their first choice? Could you be with someone knowing they’re only with you because the person they truly want doesn’t want them? If the answer is yes then I feel sorry for you. That’s lacking self respect to the core.
If you have good reason to believe your partner is lying and hiding something from you, snooping is justified.
Exactly!
Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but what is the problem here? He was turned down 10 years ago by this woman, but they remained friends. So what? Does that invalidate tell love you've felt for each other and your children all this time? You're seriously going to throw away 10 years of happiness because of an old email and an off comment a stranger said? I've been rejected by people and we've remained friends, I've rejected people myself and we've remained friends. I don't really understand why it's that serious. Plus, him and Rachael clearly wanted different things in life. He wanted you enough to marry you and have kids. Maybe he's secretly still in love with her, and he's been emotionally cheating all this time but... I just don't get that impression at all from what you've written. I think you're reading way too deep into this. Take a step back, relax and ask your husband about it and his feelings on it. Don't nuke your whole life because a friend's girlfriend has crap conversation skills. At least investigate a little bit, and try to remain calm too. As a 30 year old man myself, the idea of marrying and having kids with someone that's my 'second choice' sounds like torture. I'd genuinely rather be alone than live like that.
He is married to you. He is in love with you. That email was in the past. You have since given him children and built a life together. If you can’t put it where it belongs in the past and move on then talk to your husband. He felt that way once that doesn’t mean he feels that way today. Things change, feelings change and life goes on.
I think you’re missing the part where he confessed his love for Rachel while in a series relationship with the OP!!! There’s nothing ok with that and no he doesn’t love her, not like she deserves anyway because otherwise he wouldn’t have tried to leave her for Rachel. Regardless of whether or not it was in the past doesn’t erase the fact that it happened. Could you live with something like this? Knowing that you’re the second choice?