>I will try and save our marriage for my son
Listen. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't try to save your marriage. However, don't do it for your son. Do it for yourselves. No matter what, the best thing for your son is for you guys to be happy. If you stay together for the kid, then he will realize it at some point, and that will affect him in the future.
100% this. Being a child of divorce may suck at times, but it sucks a hell of a lot less than being the child that seemingly forced your parents to be miserable together for 18+ years. Teaching your kids what healthy relationships look like is a much better option.
Being a child of divorce is only shitty if your parents are shitty.
If both the parents love the kid more then they love themselves then it works out pretty great.
My son is a child of divorce but my ex and I always have respected each other. We have 1 birthday party, we go to all his events together, his sports, his parent teacher interviews, we are each other babysitters, we both got remarried and now he has 4 parents who love him and come to all his stuff.
I was a child of a divorce of shitty parents and that did suck, but as you said not NEARLY as much as if they had stayed together.
So when my ex wife cheated we both decided we put our shit to the side, and we put the kid first always, 14 years in and my kid is fucking rad.
My parents weren't together growing up but they were friendly and eventually friends. They were both great to me and to each other and I couldn't imagine having a better childhood.
I shudder to think how my life would be had they stayed together "for my sake" in a bitter, loveless relationship.
can confirm. parents divorced in 2021 after telling me in 2007 they were not in love and would only stay together for me.
I spent 13 years wondering why the fuck they wouldn't just divorce. it was easier financially to raise me in all honesty, but I don't have any example of a healthy relationship, and I am suffering from it in my adulthood. pros and cons.
It’s so warped to assume you want to save a toxic relationship, for a child to then endure.
The best actions for a child, is to have a safe and stable home. Sometimes that may mean TWO homes if one cannot be a happy environment.
Saving a toxic marriage, means your child watching one of you hurt the other over and over. Then they grow into adults, and allow it to happen to them.
Save your kids, by not forcing them to watch abuse and hateful behavior between two adults. This “for my child” and “saving my marriage” idea is long gone, when you can’t even remember the hateful things you’ve said to each other.
Well said. I grew up with parents that shouldn’t have been together. Maybe not our father, but our mother would have been so much happier and more fulfilled had they divorced. My brother and I used to fantasize about them divorcing and not having to listen to them fight anymore. Or hear dad call our mom a bitch or fat.
And I would have had a chance to grow up and not fall into the same trap. While my husband never called me names, I still learned to accept anything and sacrifice everything to keep the peace. It took me 20 years to wake up and decide that enough is enough and I deserve to be happy, too.
Staying together out of obligation isn’t the deep, unconditional love people want to pretend it is. Unconditional love can also mean walking away so that you both can be happy and healthy. It’s not like divorce is easy.
Yeah, you see in these stories on Reddit all the time when someone is considering divorce and they list the reasons why they want to stay or not get divorced. A lot of the time those reasons have nothing to do with theIr spouse. They would miss seeing the kids every day, they don't want to give up the house, they don't want to give up the lifestyle they have. If your reasons for trying to save the marriage don't start with your spouse, that's a massive sign that it's time to throw in the towel.
Another big sign is that this started as a factual, rational dispute: do we have enough money to go on a vacation this year and still go on an international vacation next year? If you descend to this over what should be a question of math, imagine what happens in this relationship when actual emotional issues come up.
Yeah that comment shoved him firmly into hypocrite territory.
Hopefully they get a counselor that doesn't just pick a side and actually helps them work through things and learn healthy communication.
And let's hope one of them points out that this whole idiotic saga started over a squabble about a vacation. There's absolutely zero adult communication happening anywhere. One wants an immediate vacation, one wants to save for something more elaborate next year and it devolved into this. Neither one of them is better than the other.
"hopefully they see through their indifferences."
Is this an intentional play on words or a typo? Either way it's a great line which I hope to steal and use in the appropriate situation.
This is my thing. The way he completely shut her out after the comment happened makes me think he was also shutting her out with this argument about the vacations to begin with and wasn’t listening to her. I also wonder if this is an insecurity, he has mentioned to her before, because he’s very insecure about it. If he had mentioned it before and she use this against them it’s really fucked up.. if he never said anything like that to her and she made this offhand comment to me it just seems like she was being mean, but clearly he took it to another level
Even in the initial post there was so much missing info. I would love to hear his wife’s side of the story. He was insisting he had to have his vacation NOW and they could do hers next year despite her pointing out they couldn’t afford it. I wonder how often they end up doing what he wants because otherwise he will silently sulk and be cruel. What is his financial literacy like? What are his contributions to the household?
Her: I don't want that! We can't afford it!
Him: It'll be good for the family! We'll figure it out!
Like, uh... Clearly, its not good for the family. She is part of the family. And she's saying its not good, and that she doesn't want to do it.. But he wants to do it, so he'll pretend its for the family (that she isn't a part of, I guess), what she thinks/feels/wants doesn't matter, and he'll spew out "we'll figure it out" to placate her, even thought he will surely not figure it out.
I got somewhat roasted on the original thread for pointing out that maybe his insistence on spending money they don’t have on vacation is part of a pattern that’s pushed her too far, but apparently no amount of poor behavior outweighs making a man feel insecure about his weenie.
Yep, this is Reddit where the woman is always wrong and saying that a man’s dick might not be the size of a horse should be considered an act of terrorism. I personally love the comments telling women we could never understand what it’s like to feel insecure about a part of our bodies.
Yes. It's clear there are major communication issues in this relationship. Perhaps counseling will provide them with some tools to fix these problems. I hope they do.
He told her she is ugly on the inside, he feels trapped in the marriage. A person calling your small dick once makes you feel trapped? And you can call them ugly? He is a peach this one, a real peach.
I don’t use this word lightly but I get a feeling this guy is a narcissist and a gaslighter. Only his feelings matter and his reality is the only reality.
I said this on the previous post. Even with him writing putting himself in the best light, he looks impulsive and childish.
OP is the walking definition of dishing it out but can't take it.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who picked up on this.
I missed the original, but after reading that I was expecting to read about history of abuse, mistreatment of their child or pet or something... but she just commented, in jest, on his dick and this is how he reacts? I'm not in the habit of white-knighting folks here, I think my history shows that... but goddamn.
Sure she could have been trying to hurt him, but if he had never expressed insecurity about it, and she'd never said anything before, then it's at least possible she didn't expect it to hurt him at all. And it was like, "Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first."
Then he calls her ugly, says he has no feelings for her, and argues like crazy over how many vacations they should take in a years time?
I think BOTH of these people would be better off with other people, for sure.
And she didn’t even tell him he had a small dick. She said I wish you had a bigger dick in a state of complete exasperation. Yet he doesn’t talk to her for a month? Won’t eat her food? Call her ugly, said he was trapped, had no love for her and who knows what other shit he won’t admit to by conveniently forgetting them despite saying himself that he was average size? Should she have made that comment? No. But had they talked then it would have been salvageable. There’s no going back on everything he said to her. I hope she was crying at the end realizing that no amount of marriage counseling is gonna repair something not even worth repairing. She’ll never unhear him telling her she is ugly and that he doesn’t love her or their marriage anymore.
Right? Or maybe his dick game really is that bad… look size stops mattering so much as long as you’re a gentleman. You get yours and she gets hers. If you’re taking care of your SO size is more about novelty than anything else. No one needs an 8in horse cock… that shit is silly.
Specially since only less than 20% if women can orgasm via a penis alone anyway.
The penis is just a macro clit, imagine how sex would be for men if straight women just refused to anything with the penis and went straight to g spot in the prostate lmao.
She didn't even say he had a small dick. She just said she wished it was bigger. For all we know, she fantasizes about a 20-inch sausage, and \*he\* took it as her saying his was small.
This whole thing can be nipped in the bud early on. When she said something about the size of his penis, he should have said something about it immediately after or soon thereafter. Instead, he let this drag out over a period of a month and played the victim card.
This is not how marriage is supposed to work. You have to communicate and work through the rough patches. Instead, he is thinking divorce because his feelings got hurt. There are good reasons to get divorced, but this reason seems shockingly childish and ridiculous. Seems like the essence of his self-esteem is tied up between his legs.
Yup. If OP has hurt feewings, he has an understandable hall pass to say anything at all in the heat of the moment. If his wife does the same, it’s an unsurvivable tragedy and divorce is the only option. So this woman has been walking on eggshells for almost ten years before she broke one? How the HELL did you survive growing up with at least one brother? You must have run crying to mommy a LOT.
Granted, I don’t think I’d ever say that to my husband, but if I did it would lead to a discussion on the spot, not a month long sulk and the threat of divorce. ESH, but you really need to grow up.
This.
OP for me was a little fragile-egoed guy who probably commented on his wife body and appearance, but if the wife says one single thing she didn't mean in a blow off after his exhausting lack of respecting her boundaries and plans, he immediately talks about divorce regardless of a child+toxic and abusive silence treatment and victimism on reddit
Absolutely no sympathy
“ I never realized how ugly she was on the inside. I told her I feel trapped in this marriage, and that I’ve completely lost feelings for her, and when I see her I feel nothing, no love, no hate, just indifference and wanting to be left alone. ”
If that’s how you start the conversation about wanting to try marriage counseling….marriage counseling isn’t going to fix anything.
That's the way AITA works.
Give every detail of how the other party is wrong but *oh I did some stuff I didn't mean but that's not important*.
He's a huge hypocrite, like most people who post. They know they're just as bad if not worse than the other person, but they want to have a group of people in the comments make them feel better if they tell a skewed story
Well him wanting to spend spend spend on an extra vacation would pretty much do it.
She wanted to save up for a nice vacation so he said "let's just do all of them". I have a big feeling he's not involved in anything that involves responsibility. He's not grasping why his wife wouldn't want to spend thousands extra on additional vacations when they already have to save for one.
Reddit is full of unreliable narrators. He was also very vague about he “stood his ground,” in the original conversation that lead to the comment. Again, she sucks for going so low. But, clearly we’re missing info.
He couldn't remeber what he said. After one month of silent treatment there were just too many words trapped inside of him so he couldn't keep track of them when they finally all came out. /s
That jumped out at me too! He’s yelling that she destroyed him and she’s “ugly on the inside” for saying something she may not have meant in an argument, but then freely admits he did the same thing when he was angry at her. This guy has issues.
I feel like "you're ugly on the inside" is a much worse insult than what she said too. She said something very mean to him, and I can understand him being upset by that (Although I don't really get why some people are so insecure about that), but what he said was an attack on her character.
Marriage councilling is a great idea here for them, but I've heard once the resentment sets in, the marriage is often toast.
In his original post, he wrote that he could sense she was exasperated with him, but he stood his ground. Yet he doesn't feel as though he needs to apologize for that, and it's all the wife's fault. I hope she leaves him.
I saw that, too. Based on what he's written here, it feels like OP decided he wasn't going to give in and he was going to get the vacation he wanted so he kept pushing until she lost her cool and said something insulting. Now, because she dick-shamed him, he gets to blame her.
There is a Buddhist saying that roughly goes - Never mix bad words with a bad mood. You will al have many opportunities to change your mood but you will never have the opportunity to take back the words you spoke.
He didn’t want to solve anything or “save the marriage” **he just wanted to hurt her in the same way she hurted him**.
He has all the right to be hurt after what she said. But he behaved like a child before and it’s behaving like a child now.
*I’m sorry for the kid that’s being used as an excuse for this shit show*.
I'm glad I wasn't the only to think this. It's like he only felt a weight lifted off his shoulders after he had the chance to insult her back, not because he vented. If his feelings have genuinely gone because of her comment, it seems they were only hanging on by a thread anyway.
Honestly, I completely understand why his wife lashed out at him. He is so nasty and self centered in his posts, I can't imagine having to deal with this every day for ten years.
This immediately jumped out at me too.
And this has been going on for A MONTH??!! Honestly idk how his wife has been putting up with being ignored for this long. It’s ridiculous behavior.
Yep. OP couldn’t help himself from making digs at her personal appearance in his first post, and admits do doing the same thing he’s considering divorce for in this update.
Either they’re both toxic people who do this all the time and OP his his limit, or this is a story of OP getting a taste of his own medicine and not being able to take what he dishes out. Either way, it’s going to take one hell of a relationship therapist to fix this marriage.
Gonna be fair and say he seems like he isn't a prize with the childish behavior and being hurtful in return, additionally with trying to put them in the hole financially if they can't afford a vacation in the first place.
I will say also in fairness he probably didn't lead with "Your snatch is like a bag of holding".
>I will say also in fairness he probably didn't lead with "Your snatch is like a bag of holding".
This made me snort my coffee. The other day, while out at a thrift store I found a cd by a band called Alabama Thunder Pussy. I told my husband of 24 years that, "Henceforth I shall be known as Duchess Thunder Pussy." He laughed so hard. We bought the cd and listened to it while finishing our errands. He gets me.
>I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said; but I just wanted to get it off my chest
OP, hold the phone. You were ready for divorce because your wife made a cruel comment in the heat of the moment. But you admit here that you do the same thing? Saying things you don’t mean when you’re upset?
What have you previously said to her in arguments like this? You conveniently “don’t remember” what all you said here. But have you ever made cruel personal remarks designed to hurt her the way the “small dick” comment hurt you?
I’m not saying this to excuse what she said or blame you. But this is clearly a pattern you both participate in. Counseling is the right choice, and I’m glad you had the maturity to listen to your brother and give it a shot.
I just hope you’ll have a realization about *your* role in this unhealthy dance.
I feel this is the correct take on the situation. There are always two sides to a story, and a comment like that rarely emerges from a vacuum. If this marriage is salvageable they both need to develop more self awareness and respect for one another. Verbally savaging the person you claim to love is not the way.
Just went and read the original with your comments and yeah, we have a lot of missing info here. Sounds like he's crying because his wife dealt a killing blow and he didn't win the argument. The argument where he doesn't remember anything he actually said, just the mean quote from her.
Right?
The fact that the only quote was the wife's clapback, and he just glossed over his part in the argument was so suspicious to me, genuinely made me feel crazy that people weren't picking up on it in the first post
They were arguing over money, and he’s using this as a reason not to speak to his wife (who’s trying to make amends) while he punishes her by spending more money on eating out
Exactly! And even his POV in the argument, essentially just boiled down to "but I want both trips, so we're doing *both trips*" regardless of how financially impossible that was going to be. Man clearly has no concept of money, makes me feel like he's spending someone else's cash more than his
I guarantee at some point in the argument, he used the good ole "Well I want to go to this state with my kid, so even though you want to save for a big trip, we can't have everything we want!" And she just lost it and clapped back with his exact words.
My ex loved to do this. I had to be perfect. Never say anything wrong. He would call me a pig and say he would eventually get tired of banging a fat chic so I should lose weight. But when I brought up his gut, it was a months long hissyfit because I was mean. Maybe that was just my experience but what he remembers telling her is terrible. I cant imagine what he “forgot” that he said. This whole thing just makes me sad. I wish people would just address stuff. Nothing bothers me more than passive aggressive behavior. I hope they can mature. Poor wife is at least trying.
OP pretty much proved he is abusive when he doesn't get his way. His wife says one mean comment and he goes on a 1 month tantrum over a comment when he clearly does the same to her as proven by his last discussion where he called her ugly. Hope she leaves his sory ass and finds someone who can actually make her feel better and can communicate.
You could tell in his first post he was a big baby. The way he just iced her out like a little kid instead of talking to her about his feelings. So mature. I had a feeling he was no charm and he’s definitely shown his true colors here
As a wife I wouldn’t ever insult my husband that way. But a month of the silent treatment? I’d be gone a couple weeks in tbh. I just do not have the patience to deal with a petulant adult-child refusing to communicate.
I always think it's so telling when the sanitised and cleaned up version they post here still gets them torn apart. Like the fact that you tried so hard to paint yourself in a better light, and it still shows through that strongly just says sooo much, haha
It's because lately, men cannot handle it when their narratives are questioned, and anyone seeing through a narcissist's telling of the story and point out things that don't add up or are intentionally glossed over by the OP, people go, *NUH UH! Man you women are always trying to point the blame at guys!!1!!1! You always try to make it the guys' fault!* even though you would've done the same regardless of the gender.
Even if he was calm and reasonable during the argument, a month of the silent treatment and refusal to accept any apology or anything from her was pretty shitty too. I'm firmly in ESH territory on this one.
>I just hope you’ll have a realization about your role in this unhealthy dance.
Yep, I have a feeling counseling is going to be a bit of a reality check for OP.
One of the lower level comments in the original thread was "the axe forgets but the tree remembers" and here we learn that it goes both ways. I think there the comment was used to validate OP's strong negative reaction to what his wife may have thought was just a throwaway comment that she didn't really mean, but in this update we find that OP did the exact same thing. He said potentially hurtful things that he conveniently forgot, but his wife will probably remember.
I find it pretty hard to believe if he’s willing to say things he doesn’t mean that he probably lied about the fights. I don’t believe for a second that his story isn’t extremely biased to make himself look/feel better. It’s not to actually help his marriage.
Yep - There's a surprising amount of people telling OP to stay and work on his marriage, which is encouraging to see, but this dude has clearly way checked out so I really don't get the point in moving forward
I thought the same thing. Not only hypocritical but I'm sure he expects her to just "get over" the things he says while she isn't allowed to get heated.
Facts I have been with my girlfriend for like 3+ years and a comment like that would just be funny to me. Like it would probably end our argument because I would counter her ass with something like “oh yeah well I wished you had a bigger ass” and then we would probably start laughing. Dude seems mad insecure with her for 10 years and still worried about his Willy size for over a month. Crazy
I said on the last post that OP wasn't a reliable narrator and that note probably led to his wife's words than just vacation planning and here, OP outted himself.
Honestly I'm starting to dislike these subs because half the users have a pathological inability to imagine the OP might be lying or inaccurate, or that the other people in the story have feelings too.
Like OP will give off near physical waves of sliminess and people will just go "Well he *said* he did the right thing and communicated clearly, it must just be their spouse/sibling has the emotional depth of Heinreich Himmler with a headache. Case closed!"
Folks make fun of people posting here for cheap validation but everyone seems real happy to give it, no questions asked.
What stood out to me in the last post was that she was trying to explain they couldn’t afford two vacations & wanted to focus on saving to go abroad (which I think is the smart decision) and he was ranting about how he stood his ground
Gave off the vibe that he tries to bully her & isn’t financially responsible
And then he stonewalled her for a month, which is a form of emotional abuse.
I don’t think this is the first instance of it, given how quick she seems to essentially grovel for forgiveness
>I probably didn't mean a lot of the things I said
Very convenient that you get to say shit you don't mean to, but when you push her over and over again for a vacation you cannot feasibly afford, and she says something hurtful she's "ugly inside" and you get to shun her for a month and paint her a vicious monster to your siblings.
I didn't render a judgment on your initial post but I sure do think you're an asshole now.
And after the last post where he bragged to Reddit he could get someone way hotter, then tries to say he only called her ugly on the inside? Bullshit. He probably told her something more like insides match her outsides. So he gets to call her ugly, but she can't say his dick is "average".
And beyond what an asshole this guy is, why do so many people, men and women, want to be in relationships where your partner has to lie to you for you to want to be with them? If your dick is average or your boobs are small, so be it, why not be with someone who celebrates and loves what you are rather than lie to you, and you lie to yourself?
I LOVE dad bods. Never knew it till my current partner, but I don't have to lie to him and tell him that he looks like Chris Hemsworth because I want HIM, not Chris Hemsworth. Other things, I love in him because they exemplify his own unique spin on life and personality. I literally can't imagine lying to save his pride because we are both secure enough to know we love each other despite stupid cosmetic differences (that are true: I have small boobs, he doesn't have the biggest dick I've been with). In the grand scheme of what's most important, sexual prowess is much more than penis size, and he's perfect for me and he knows it.
Personally OP sounds like a giant whiny baby to me. One hurtful comment and he shuns her for a month? Like really? It wasn’t even that bad, it’s not like she ridiculed him about it. Like seriously write a hurt feelings report and move on with your day.
Yep. She apologized right after she said it too. That doesn't make the comment okay, but at least she owned up to it immediately.
To then give someone the silent treatment for a month and also clapback with your own insults...... immature af.
Not only did you “forget” what you said to your wife out of anger… you painted a victim narrative when you flat out admitted to saying shitty things in the heat of the moment because it felt good… so why do you get to punish your wife for over a month bc of it??? Hypocrite at its finest.
You want to spend money you don’t fucking have on a vacation. You sound dense. OP your wife wants to save up for a vacation. That’s the only reasonable choice! You have a kid who’s relying on their parents to make responsible financial decisions instead of being careless.
Yeah it’s shitty your wife made a comment about wishing you had a bigger dick but clearly yours aint an issue because she’s still married to you. Anyways you get to degrade her entire character by saying she’s ugly on the inside but get to cry about her talking about enhancing a physical trait.
**
Like she said something to hurt you but didn't mean it?
INFO : Also, we still don't know what you said that made her so desperate to get her point throught to make her say what she said.
**The pot calling the kettle black while pretending his own blackened ass is shiny as new...**
ETA : YTA
Yeah plus she was also profusely apologizing and trying to make it up to him the entire month and he just continued stonewalling her. Wonder if he ever apologizes for cruel things he says to her or just pretends they didn't happen.
So, what were the things you said that you didn’t mean? It’s kind of conspicuous that you “don’t remember” them.
If they were personal attacks and cheap shots like the one she fired at you, you’re no better than she is.
If they were things like “I don’t think I want to be married to someone who thinks it’s okay to stick an ice pick in my heart in order to win an argument” that’s different.
Even from his initial post he came off as an unreliable narrator. His wife was reaching a breaking point over money they couldnt afford to spend, and he decided to "stand his ground"
Ofc. This was surely a reply to something awful he said, like ‘I wish you still looked like in your wedding pictures’ or ‘I wish I could go out and get drunk with my friends like when I was20’
Well he said it in his original post. He wishes he could have someone younger and prettier.
This might explain the dick comment. I might question whether or not a young pretty thing would be interested in his completely average dick and wallet too.
Right? As a single man out here dating, I promise he is overestimating his value on the dating market if he struggles to please women or pay for things. 😂
“I wish I had a wife that was more fun and wanted to do stuff with me” “I wish you weren’t such a stick in the mud” “I wish you were like my last GF”. Yep. He said some stupid shit.
And she wishes he had a bigger dick. Considering all the points he brought up about her failings, I can see why she might have clapped back.
He was literally insulting who she is, as a person and her value as a partner. He just thinks it’s ok for him to say whatever he wants about her flaws, but his own “shortcomings” are off the table.
Nah.
Probably something like "my husband never listens to me, and always needs to have his way" I'm sure he has personally insulted her before, too, but my main concern is the whole topic and the way he handled things. He didn't care that his wife had legitimate concerns. She obviously felt like he was pushing her into a corner where she'd inevitably have to give up her vacation because they couldn't afford it. He was the one changing plans on her and trying to take something away that she wanted, to give himself something he wanted.
If he has a history of this then he deserves to be divorced. Men not listening to me has been my #1 nightmare as a woman trying to date men, and I know I'm not alone. It makes you feel so insignificant, small, and helpless. Seriously, the scars run deep, longterm it absolutely qualifies as emotional abuse. It feels so... infantilizing, and it ruins your self esteem.
If he's done that to her then fuck him. I don't see why he had to insist for so long that her concerns were invalid. Oh are they? Really? Money is tight -- who manages the money? Who makes more sacrifices with their wants? How often does OP get his way vs his wife? And how many times does OP's way cause the family financial problems or other problems?
This marriage is doomed and it's not entirely on your wife. You both suck but at least she apologizes and makes an effort. You on the other hand go nuclear over her shit comment, drag it out for a MONTH, and still need time. Meanwhile you basically outright say you probably said stuff you didn't mean but it felt *good*. Surely, you cannot be this dumb. So it's ok for you to say hurtful things, punish your wife for a month (I feel so bad for your 5 year old) and you are still acting like a professional victim.
The fact you gloss over your own role in the original argument (WTF do you mean by saying you stood your ground?) and curate the post to make you look as good as possible (and still fail at that) says a lot. Even marriage counseling isn't going to work because you clearly don't want it to. You wanted the chance to hurt her like she hurt you, and you took it. There are no winners here.
> This marriage is doomed and it's not entirely on your wife.
It's almost entirely on OP. He has left out so many crucial details and he comes off as a bit of an AH in his previous post, and even more of one here.
He pushed his wife to her breaking point, then kept pushing, and basically ghosts and considers divorcing her when she makes an offensive comment in anger
If i could upvote this ten times i would. She lashed out and felt remorse. I get the feeling he's nasty all the time and doesn't care as long as he feels justified
I wonder if OP says a lot of things he “didn’t mean” and this is the first time his wife responded in kind. That’s usually how bullies act. Everyone else needs to get over it, but how dare they do it back to me once and immediately apologize.
Bullies and abusers. They keep it up until it's all their victim knows and as soon as there's a reaction that's the only story they tell
Shit my little sister did that when she was 10 but you expect people to grow out of it
Sound advice here! I hope the OP actually reads and internalize this, and not get offended. Sometimes people do not realize how they constantly put themselves in the victim zone without taking accountability.
>You on the other hand go nuclear over her shit comment
Yeah, I played this game before - living with and being married to a shit person who would constantly make comments about how worthless and incompetent I was, how I'd turned into a Beta, provoke fights, and after bearing the brunt of it, trying to hold my tongue and listen and be understanding, and finally getting tired of being beat-down and insulted, I'd lash back. She'd then turn it around and say that she "didn't mean" what she said but is now pissed that I got angry at her. Fuck that.
If you don't want your partner to negatively react to your shit, horrible, comments, stop being an asshole.
I told her I feel trapped in this marriage, and that I’ve completely lost feelings for her, and when I see her I feel nothing, no love, no hate, just indifference and wanting to be left alone.
I think your marriage is done, I wouldn't bother trying if my partner said that.
Literally was looking through for this exact comment before I said it. Done, dead and buried. Why waste your time, money and effort on someone you very clearly dislike. Both go your separate ways before your child picks up on your hatred even more than they would've done already.
Yea not only that but complaining and withholding affection for an entire *month* about a comment she made about a physical trait in an argument where OP is wrong in the first place and won't stfu, but when bringing the matter back up he can tell her she's "ugly on the inside" (waaaay worse imo) and then say he's the one that needs space still because of her comment?? He's obviously way too comfortable attacking her character, I would bet this isn't the first time he acted that way when he didn't get his way, and she's just dishing his attitude back at him. It's done OP, your wife is the only one interested in making this relationship and financial situation work, probably because you've worn down her self esteem enough to think she deserves your behavior. You're childish, YTA.
Marriage was done even before the update.
He gives these little clues - wants to make it work for the kid, but he feels trapped.
He only felt something for her when she started crying -
that one is the most cringe.
Treating her bad till she breaks and files for divorce so he can be a "good" husband that tried.
Calculated and cold.
Yeah if that's truly how he feels and so much of that conversation was just about offloading his vitriol on the wife? He sees counseling as an opportunity to berate her further, get her in line, because based on this post he's not seeing that he's (part of) the problem.
And he doesn't feel anything towards her until she's broken and sobbing? I don't have enough red flags for that
So what disgusting things did you say to her that you “didn’t mean”? Awful light on the details of the shit YOU say.
You started it didn’t you. But you “don’t remember” the horrible shit you say, but one comment from her and you’re the victim. Sure.
This has been such a roller coaster ride and now I just feel like the narrator’s too unreliable to take his account at face value.
Maybe this is a hot take but IME things people say “out of anger” “in the heat of the moment” “while drunk” absolutely do irreparable damage. Whether that ends a relationship or not, it depends, but I think all the Redditors saying they should be forgiven/forgotten are offering a bad take too.
It’s probably worth saying, if your relationship frequently involves conflicts of escalating mean statements that you wish you can take back afterwards, you might want to take a moment and reflect whether or not the relationship is working and whether it should be continued. People in a healthy relationship do not try to destroy their partner in an argument.
The whole topic really left a bad taste in my mouth. This is basically what happened in the previous post:
He chronically dismisses her and won't back down. She has real concerns. **She is polite and calm about it.**
He doesn't care. He doesn't think her words and arguments matter. He keeps dismissing them while pushing. **He will not take no for an answer.**
Gradually, her patience wears thin. She is still polite. But her tone is more frustrated. She is still making reasonable arguments. She is not personally insulting him. She is still trying to talk reason into him.
He doesn't care. He ignores everything she says. He makes her feel small and insignificant. She is voiceless. Nothing she says matters to him. So eventually she hits him with an insult. Nothing she says matters to him anyway, right?
Oh, now suddenly her words have meaning. Now when they can be used against her.
Why wasn't he listening to her during all that time that he admits that she was calm and polite? Why didn't he listen to her when she expressed she was frustrated with him through her tone and body language?
You can't have both. If you want a wife who doesn't get angry at you, you cannot doggedly put her down and refuse to hear her side. He did the classic thing women are told to NEVER do -- punished behavior that he wanted to see. You want a wife that is respectful and has pleasant and calm conversations with you? Then you need to value her when she is calm. He took her demeanor and politeness for granted and thought he could bully her into agreeing to essentially give up her vacation since they wouldn't be able to afford it, without her ever lashing out at him. Well, he was wrong.
The whole thing just feels fucked up. I have been incessantly and doggedly dismissed by boyfriends and believe me when I say that it's worse than being hit. It's dehumanizing, and it makes you feel helpless, and they're essentially saying to your face "you're beneath me, I don't see your words as anything more than an inconvenience, I'm more important than you, I don't care about you." Yeah, after years of being told this, of course you'll snap eventually.
OP can not both refuse to ever listen to his wife, refuse to acknowledge the validity of her concerns, refuse to CARE about her feelings, and then demand she listen to him, she agree with everything he says and wants, and that she should -- one-sidedly -- care about his feelings!
Sorry for the rant, this one just really feels off.
So, not only was she right about the financial issue,
She did something you just admitted to doing yourself (heat of the moment "idr what I said"),
And she apologized and communicated after the fact when you ignored her for a month and then dumped on her one night and made her cry.
You said you don't love her to her face, so why even try? For a son who will resent you both if this keeps on?
You really don't think yta here?
TBH it seemed like you were more interested in being consumed by righteous anger than repairing your strained relationship. You certainly don't have to fix this relationship, but it also seems like you were looking for an out, and once you had your wound, you were going to pick at that scab until your relationship ended.
I feel like he intentionally left out what was said in the original argument. Who just pops off with "Well, I wish you had a bigger dick but we don't always get what we want" when having a civil discussion over when and to vacation? The math ain't mathing here.
That was pretty clear even from his origional post, even if he disguised it. He said they were arguing over the finances of the vacation, and he knew she was at a breaking point and decided to "stand his ground".
Imagine dealing with your husband irresponsibly spending money sending your family into debt, and then he keeps pressuring you to take a vacation you cannot afford. And when he knows that you can't take any more, he "stands his ground"
Dude, you stonewalled your wife for a month. That is a terribly cruel, awful thing to do to someone. And you have a 5 year old son in the house. Don’t think you didn’t punish him too with this. He’ll remember watching what you did to his mother. Stonewalling for that long is abuse.
And what she said was terrible. You had a right to be devastated. You had the right to an apology and you had the right to be heard and appropriately reacted to.
But stonewalling her for that long was completely disproportionate and it makes me wonder how many other times you’ve punished your wife in a disproportionate way.
You’ve been married for 8 years and you have a child. I was married for 19 years. People say things in fights. You even just admitted to doing that yourself. My ex used to say terrible things to me in fights. It hurts like hell but you don’t end a long term marriage over one bad comment unless you’re looking for an excuse to leave.
You want to leave your marriage and go and find some hot young wife like your sister suggested? Have the guts to admit that’s what you want, own your bad guy status and leave honestly.
I hope she divorces you and that you grow the hell up so your son doesn’t grow up thinking and acting like this.
Exactly. Thank you, and over the stupidest comment. Like size, really? You know lesbians do just fine pleasuring women better than most men and they have negative size. Seriously, who puts that much emotion and thought on dick size. To ruin your own marriage though.
My baby is six months old and notices when my demeanor and mood changes. There’s no way their 5yo didn’t absorb that. I grew up with my dad stonewalling my mom. Guess who I hate now, as an adult, now that I can see both sides? Stonewalling is a terribly abusive thing to do to someone. My sister does it to me often too. I just stopped engaging with her or even trying. It becomes much less fun for the abuser that way. I hope OP’s wife just quietly leaves. Stonewallers are professional victims.
I said in your other post you were being dramatic but I did not know it was to such a great degree. After seeing this post you should be glad that's all she said. You sound like a bitch and I wouldnt be surprised if you used The Silent Treatment often as a way for you to get her to give in to your idea
OP: Marriage counseling aside, YOU NEED therapy yourself.
Frankly, I’m concerned about the 5 year old. If you don’t go to therapy, who knows what’ll happen when the kid grows up and maybe has a teenage tantrum says something hurtful like “You’re insecure and ruined our family because you couldn’t handle an off handed comment about your dick size.”
Then what? Go no contact with your kid?
Oof. Good luck to y’all.
What your wife said was indeed 'below the belt' however you come across just so...gross. So after punishing & ignoring her for an entire long month, you went on to say just as hurtful things to her and it made you feel better?? You made her suffer a whole month to come up with that as your attempt for resolution? At least she tried to make things better from right afterwards, and continually whilst you cruelly, purposefully dragged things out to just say just as cruel things (probably worse since you conveniently 'forgot' some bits) to her.
AND he can’t forgive her yet. He only “felt something” when she cried then refused to kiss her. He’s a fucking sadist! He wanted her to say some fucked up shit. She did, and now he gets to come out on top as winning. Pathetic.
He's just slimy. He pushes he again and again wanting a trip they can't afford and twisting her arm, and when she lashes out he punishes her every way he can find, wastes said money they don't have and goes nuclear when he can.
Bro no offense but you need therapy. All of this drama over a dick comment altho mean is too much. You sound like a drama queen dude. This relationship would make more sense if you two were teenagers.
I think trying to make your marriage work “for the kid” is a poor excuse. You’re just going to be showing your son that it’s better to stay and try to be with someone who makes you feel in your words insecure and worthless rather than find someone who doesn’t make you feel that way. You said your wife is ugly on the inside and you don’t feel anything for her so that’s the lesson you want to teach your son? That feeling trapped in marriage is okay. Kids are smarter than you think and they know when their parents are unhappy or in a bad marriage and they carry that into their own relationships.
Together 10 years or not, counseling or not, just seems like you’d rather take the easy way out than actually see the situation for what it is. You both need to do work on yourselves not just your marriage.
I want to get this off my chest.
Your wife says something shitty in a fight that, in my opinion seemed like she was the logical person given financial struggles suggested and she wanted to plan ahead. She says something that isn't nice. You proceed to stonewall, which is domestic abuse. Go fucking look it up. She carried on, buying birthday gifts, doing her daily life, all the while being treated like shit after apologizing sincerely, taking care of your child while hoping the one she married would talk to her eventually.
When you do talk to her - after you posted about your hurt fee fees on reddit where you proceeded to talk about some fucking new person you could get with - instead of speaking truthfully, you become a massive hypocrite and say shit you didn't mean. But, hey, as long as you feel better, right?
She has been carrying on with, probably, fear and you remained cold and distant on purpose. Bruh. Not to mention, you decided to say something that would resonate emotionally with her, not something physical, which is harder to get over.
You're a fucking asshole. I feel bad for you both. And your kids. Counseling will hopefully help her see what an immature person she married.
This reads exactly like a post I read a month ago where the wife made a comment on his penis and his love for her just 'evaporated'. Went to reddit, reddit said go to therapy, he posted that he'd go to therapy for the sake of their kid.
Next update he said he went on a trip and loved being away from his wife so is going ahead with the divorce anyway.
Calling it now LOL
I hope you happy you got your lick back. After distancing yourself for a while month. You came to tell your wife you will try not for her but for your son. On top of calling her ugly and saying how you just feel so trapped. Maybe you should get a divorce cause you won’t come out of counseling with the same wife you went in with. It sounds like you’re just trying to break her down to get what you want smh.
"I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said; but I just wanted to get it off my chest."
So you can say things that you don't mean in anger, but she can't? Make it make sense.
So ESH…. You both disrespect each other when you are hurt. She very much used that line to purposefully hurt you… Then you used your hurt to punish her, by actively deciding every day for a full month, to distance yourself from her and be rude and mean every chance you got. You chose that for 30 days over talking like the adult you are, and then proceeded to also use hurtful comments like how “ugly she is on the inside”… unless she has done this repeatedly and use insecurities and vulnerabilities against you, this is really uncalled for.
As you said “to do this to someone you’re married to for almost a decade” your entire behaviour towards your wife after she hurt you was just horrible.
So now you are a massive hypocrite AND an asshole. Do you not hear yourself? You can say shit you don’t mean but she makes one comment, once, apologises multiple times and she’s an AH?? You are seriously unhinged. I hope she realises how much she is worth and makes you apologise for your asshole behaviour and comments.
Well this is a positive update and please let your future marriage counselor know that you prefer short term gratification vs. your wife's more prudent use of finances and that you have very thin skin when you don't get your way and need to be handled with "kid gloves" because your ego can't handle rather tame insults. I've been married over 2 decades, and I'm not impressed with your unreliability as a narrator. If you ask me, it really sounds like you use emotional blackmail to make sure your wife doesn't go against you and you get your way. This isn't the stuff of marriage longevity.
Wow. Actually I hope you do leave her because you are horrible. And a hypocrite. It’s ok for you to say things you don’t mean but she can’t? You just threw a whole load of stuff at her after she made one comment. You were out to hurt. That was intentional. I hope you get a decent counsellor who actually understands both sides because I see you trying to use this to manipulate and hurt her even more. Ick.
I’m sorry but the idea of a grown man being this upset about a heat of the moment comment that was heavily apologized for after is just so deeply pathetic. The idea that your sister is somehow encouraging this patheticness is weird and out of place. Thank god for your brother and that you had the good sense to ask for strangers’ opinions.
The fact that you got mad and said mean things you didn’t mean that upset your wife is peak irony. Maybe remember that the next time you’re so hung up on your dick size over one comment. It sounds like YOU are the one who is ugly on the inside to me frankly.
Even in the first post, the reason your wife finally snapped is because you are constantly pestering her to waste money on a trip when she says it’s not financially sound to do so. When one partner wants to be careful and the other doesn’t, it’s hard to see her as the problematic one. It seems like you pushed her until she snapped and then immediately held her snapping against her, far more than your behavior that led to her snapping. You need help man.
It's like a grown toddler is posting, tbh. Except toddlers get over tantys faster. Like, imagine one dick comment being enough to implode a whole marriage because the guy is insecure af. She didn't even call his dick small. She was literally just using a "we can't always get what we want" analogy that he would understand, since he couldn't understand money doesn't grow on trees.
ESH.
You said, "I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said."
What about your wife? Could she have done the same too? Cut her some slack. No one is perfect.
>I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said;
Oh, look at you. The same thing you want to divorce over is something you also do.
You said a lot of things you probably didn't mean? But are ready to divorce her for doing the same thing?
There are money concerns but you are now eating out to spite your wife.
Do you two even like each other?
And did you know - many people view marriage as "me and you against the world" rather than "me and you against each other."
Is this rage bait?
Or are you wanting an exit and using this as a convenient "out" so you don't look like the bad guy?
(Just to be super clear - your wife was wrong to make that comment. But you are going nuclear when it sounds like the two of you *both* need to work on communication.)
I agree what she said was horrible. You wrote: "I opened up to my wife last night for the first time in almost a month." Then you proceeded to say demeaning things and spew hate. While you did express some "feelings/emotions," you went far beyond "opening up" and you did it intentionally to try to hurt her. You "felt better" because you got to express anger and resentment and felt you could transfer it to her. Your marriage is broken because of "both" of you. I don't see counseling changing your hate. The problem that won't change is the need to feel like it's necessary to be right and to "get back" at someone you feel wronged you...issue is when it's your spouse it never works out to be a healthy marriage.
Your wife said a bad thing (one bad thing in a decade) out of frustration. She instantly apologised and has apologised profously since, despite the month long silent treatment and childish behaviour on your end. How utterly blown out of proportion, for you to then say shit to her when you finally talk to her lmfao. You're literally throwing away a marriage over a small dick comment which was instantly rescinded ☠️ how fragile is your ego.
What she said sounds so much like a response to something you said. I guess you wished something absurd from her so she replied with this. It doesn't sound like a real wish but as making a point of some statement of yours being nonsensical.
Marriage counselling sounds just a postponement on the much needed divorce if you feel nothing for your wife anymore. Do a favour to both and get a divorce. She, at least, will be better off.
If that is what you truly feel for your wife I don’t understand why you not just divorce her. And if my wife told me and truly felt what you told your wife I wouldn’t bother with marriage counselling but go directly for divorce. I would be willing to work out whatever as long as there is love, but if it’s gone, what’s the point.
Now what your wife said to you was mean, but I don’t think it was THAT mean to be honest. Like giving up a whole marriage and acting like a mental for a month. I mean come on get over yourself.
You just had to get all those digs at her huh? You don't love her, you called her ugly on the inside, you stonewalled her for a month and then sent her a mixed signal. I'd be done with you and your financially irresponsible ass. How do you say "Hey Satan, let's try and fix this. No don't touch me while I console you after no contact for a month!!!"
What's the point of marriage counseling for your son? It's not his marriage. It's yours. You do it for your marriage, not a kid. Leave him out of your journey here.
Yta
So you get butthurt about words then say "and while she was beautiful on the outside, I never realized how ugly she was on the inside. " ?
You are mega cringe
Right?! OP is such a hypocrite. Also that comment that he said lots of things he didnt mean but he conveniently forgot he said exactly. His wife immediately apologized and tried to make it right but he just ignored her for a month and continued to destroy their budget by eating out every day. OP seems to love to paint himself as a victim in this extremely one sided story.
Yeah man of course she was crying really badly. She made one off handed comment on the middle of a heated argument you REFUSED to drop, immediately apologized and said she didn't mean it and had her husband act like he completely hated her and wished she was dead, with NOTHING she tries to bridge the gap working. She spends an entire month trying and trying and trying and putting in the effort and writing letters and buying birthday gifts that get denied only for her husband to tell her that he doesn't love her, she's an ugly bad person, and that he wants a divorce, and is verbally berated by the man she loves about how much of a horrible bad person he thinks she is. and he says he's "willing to try marriage counseling, for the son" and she already knows it's a lost cause cause the closest she could get is her husband being willing to tolerate her. And then he continues to deny her any physical comfort or real reassurance. Not that he can, cause her husband doesn't love her and as far as she's aware, never will again. and probably goes right back to stonewalling her. Because she made one mean comment that she immediately regretted a month ago and he will never forgive her for it.
And no, you still can't afford two vacations, but screw it maybe she'll be emotionally broken down enough to put you guys into debt to make you happy
Y’all are wasting each other’s time. You said you feel nothing for her there is no coming back from that. Let her go find Mr big dick and you can go find a woman you actually care about.
Viewing both posts, The insult in a heated argument was immature but it's common for people to say shit they don't mean in a heated argument in hopes to shut them up. A lot of people do it. If it's constant, that's abuse at that point. But god damn ain't you petty as shit huh? Both of you are immature. But damn you petty, like. . . Talk to her instead of ignoring her existence for a month over a stupid argument. "I don't love you anymore, I hate you, divorce." Over an insult she felt bad about because you both were angry. Then you say she's ugly over one dick comment and go for the divorce option. It all sounds like a two kids in daycare fighting because the one said their shoes were ugly.
Relationships aren't perfect, there's always going to be arguments and shit said. Difference is if the partner constantly puts the other down. Communication is key. Counselling is the first option instead of divorce if there's no abuse involved.
>I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said;
So you also say hurtful things but you're only holding your wife accountable and not yourself? Hm weird but also of fucking course. You both sound immature as fuck but you more so because you lack an astounding amount of self-awareness and don't seem to have any trouble putting all the blame on your wife. Good luck.
"I will try and save our marriage for my son, and see if marriage counseling can fix our marriage.
I opened up to my wife last night for the first time in almost a month. I told her what she said made me feel worthless and insecure, and while she was beautiful on the outside, I never realized how ugly she was on the inside. I told her I feel trapped in this marriage, and that I’ve completely lost feelings for her, and when I see her I feel nothing, no love, no hate, just indifference and wanting to be left alone. "
Says he'll try to save the marriage
Proceeds to burn everything to the ground forever
Omg, so then does your wife get to ignore you for weeks on end and only focus on your kid? Because you made an entire post about hurt feelings after she said something damaging to your ego. Convenient now that you’re giving yourself a pass for the same thing. You guys at a minimum need counseling. You also need some self reflection, badly.
>I will try and save our marriage for my son Listen. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't try to save your marriage. However, don't do it for your son. Do it for yourselves. No matter what, the best thing for your son is for you guys to be happy. If you stay together for the kid, then he will realize it at some point, and that will affect him in the future.
100% this. Being a child of divorce may suck at times, but it sucks a hell of a lot less than being the child that seemingly forced your parents to be miserable together for 18+ years. Teaching your kids what healthy relationships look like is a much better option.
Being a child of divorce is only shitty if your parents are shitty. If both the parents love the kid more then they love themselves then it works out pretty great. My son is a child of divorce but my ex and I always have respected each other. We have 1 birthday party, we go to all his events together, his sports, his parent teacher interviews, we are each other babysitters, we both got remarried and now he has 4 parents who love him and come to all his stuff. I was a child of a divorce of shitty parents and that did suck, but as you said not NEARLY as much as if they had stayed together. So when my ex wife cheated we both decided we put our shit to the side, and we put the kid first always, 14 years in and my kid is fucking rad.
My parents weren't together growing up but they were friendly and eventually friends. They were both great to me and to each other and I couldn't imagine having a better childhood. I shudder to think how my life would be had they stayed together "for my sake" in a bitter, loveless relationship.
can confirm. parents divorced in 2021 after telling me in 2007 they were not in love and would only stay together for me. I spent 13 years wondering why the fuck they wouldn't just divorce. it was easier financially to raise me in all honesty, but I don't have any example of a healthy relationship, and I am suffering from it in my adulthood. pros and cons.
It’s so warped to assume you want to save a toxic relationship, for a child to then endure. The best actions for a child, is to have a safe and stable home. Sometimes that may mean TWO homes if one cannot be a happy environment. Saving a toxic marriage, means your child watching one of you hurt the other over and over. Then they grow into adults, and allow it to happen to them. Save your kids, by not forcing them to watch abuse and hateful behavior between two adults. This “for my child” and “saving my marriage” idea is long gone, when you can’t even remember the hateful things you’ve said to each other.
Well said. I grew up with parents that shouldn’t have been together. Maybe not our father, but our mother would have been so much happier and more fulfilled had they divorced. My brother and I used to fantasize about them divorcing and not having to listen to them fight anymore. Or hear dad call our mom a bitch or fat. And I would have had a chance to grow up and not fall into the same trap. While my husband never called me names, I still learned to accept anything and sacrifice everything to keep the peace. It took me 20 years to wake up and decide that enough is enough and I deserve to be happy, too. Staying together out of obligation isn’t the deep, unconditional love people want to pretend it is. Unconditional love can also mean walking away so that you both can be happy and healthy. It’s not like divorce is easy.
Yeah, you see in these stories on Reddit all the time when someone is considering divorce and they list the reasons why they want to stay or not get divorced. A lot of the time those reasons have nothing to do with theIr spouse. They would miss seeing the kids every day, they don't want to give up the house, they don't want to give up the lifestyle they have. If your reasons for trying to save the marriage don't start with your spouse, that's a massive sign that it's time to throw in the towel. Another big sign is that this started as a factual, rational dispute: do we have enough money to go on a vacation this year and still go on an international vacation next year? If you descend to this over what should be a question of math, imagine what happens in this relationship when actual emotional issues come up.
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Yes. Learn to talk to each other without needing to wound one another.
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Yeah that comment shoved him firmly into hypocrite territory. Hopefully they get a counselor that doesn't just pick a side and actually helps them work through things and learn healthy communication.
And let's hope one of them points out that this whole idiotic saga started over a squabble about a vacation. There's absolutely zero adult communication happening anywhere. One wants an immediate vacation, one wants to save for something more elaborate next year and it devolved into this. Neither one of them is better than the other.
Well, that discussion solved the question about the vacation. The vacation money will either go to divorce attorneys or therapists.
It feels like they need another adult to babysit their childish behavior.
Yay for professional therapy!
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"hopefully they see through their indifferences." Is this an intentional play on words or a typo? Either way it's a great line which I hope to steal and use in the appropriate situation.
I think they know what they said lol you should use it too. It fits a lot of situations now. 🤣🤣
This is my thing. The way he completely shut her out after the comment happened makes me think he was also shutting her out with this argument about the vacations to begin with and wasn’t listening to her. I also wonder if this is an insecurity, he has mentioned to her before, because he’s very insecure about it. If he had mentioned it before and she use this against them it’s really fucked up.. if he never said anything like that to her and she made this offhand comment to me it just seems like she was being mean, but clearly he took it to another level
I hope they find a counselor who supports both of them equally.
Even in the initial post there was so much missing info. I would love to hear his wife’s side of the story. He was insisting he had to have his vacation NOW and they could do hers next year despite her pointing out they couldn’t afford it. I wonder how often they end up doing what he wants because otherwise he will silently sulk and be cruel. What is his financial literacy like? What are his contributions to the household?
Her: I don't want that! We can't afford it! Him: It'll be good for the family! We'll figure it out! Like, uh... Clearly, its not good for the family. She is part of the family. And she's saying its not good, and that she doesn't want to do it.. But he wants to do it, so he'll pretend its for the family (that she isn't a part of, I guess), what she thinks/feels/wants doesn't matter, and he'll spew out "we'll figure it out" to placate her, even thought he will surely not figure it out.
I got somewhat roasted on the original thread for pointing out that maybe his insistence on spending money they don’t have on vacation is part of a pattern that’s pushed her too far, but apparently no amount of poor behavior outweighs making a man feel insecure about his weenie.
Yep, this is Reddit where the woman is always wrong and saying that a man’s dick might not be the size of a horse should be considered an act of terrorism. I personally love the comments telling women we could never understand what it’s like to feel insecure about a part of our bodies.
And one month not talking. ONE MONTH? Silent treatment is a form of abuse. The more I hear of this story the more he sounds like a manipulative AH.
Yes. It's clear there are major communication issues in this relationship. Perhaps counseling will provide them with some tools to fix these problems. I hope they do.
He told her she is ugly on the inside, he feels trapped in the marriage. A person calling your small dick once makes you feel trapped? And you can call them ugly? He is a peach this one, a real peach. I don’t use this word lightly but I get a feeling this guy is a narcissist and a gaslighter. Only his feelings matter and his reality is the only reality.
I said this on the previous post. Even with him writing putting himself in the best light, he looks impulsive and childish. OP is the walking definition of dishing it out but can't take it.
Bet he has a *really* small dick
A really small dick on the inside
I'm glad I'm not the only one who picked up on this. I missed the original, but after reading that I was expecting to read about history of abuse, mistreatment of their child or pet or something... but she just commented, in jest, on his dick and this is how he reacts? I'm not in the habit of white-knighting folks here, I think my history shows that... but goddamn. Sure she could have been trying to hurt him, but if he had never expressed insecurity about it, and she'd never said anything before, then it's at least possible she didn't expect it to hurt him at all. And it was like, "Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first." Then he calls her ugly, says he has no feelings for her, and argues like crazy over how many vacations they should take in a years time? I think BOTH of these people would be better off with other people, for sure.
Nah, I wouldn’t wish this guy on anyone.
Period.
And she didn’t even tell him he had a small dick. She said I wish you had a bigger dick in a state of complete exasperation. Yet he doesn’t talk to her for a month? Won’t eat her food? Call her ugly, said he was trapped, had no love for her and who knows what other shit he won’t admit to by conveniently forgetting them despite saying himself that he was average size? Should she have made that comment? No. But had they talked then it would have been salvageable. There’s no going back on everything he said to her. I hope she was crying at the end realizing that no amount of marriage counseling is gonna repair something not even worth repairing. She’ll never unhear him telling her she is ugly and that he doesn’t love her or their marriage anymore.
Honestly from his previous post was EXTREMELY clear who OP was.
Totally agree I'm sure her small dick comment was to get him back for something he said initially.
Right? Or maybe his dick game really is that bad… look size stops mattering so much as long as you’re a gentleman. You get yours and she gets hers. If you’re taking care of your SO size is more about novelty than anything else. No one needs an 8in horse cock… that shit is silly.
I’ve been around horses… any with that size would just run themselves off a cliff. Just sayin
Specially since only less than 20% if women can orgasm via a penis alone anyway. The penis is just a macro clit, imagine how sex would be for men if straight women just refused to anything with the penis and went straight to g spot in the prostate lmao.
She didn't even say he had a small dick. She just said she wished it was bigger. For all we know, she fantasizes about a 20-inch sausage, and \*he\* took it as her saying his was small.
Absolutely. It’s ok for him but not for her. What a hypocrite.
This whole thing can be nipped in the bud early on. When she said something about the size of his penis, he should have said something about it immediately after or soon thereafter. Instead, he let this drag out over a period of a month and played the victim card. This is not how marriage is supposed to work. You have to communicate and work through the rough patches. Instead, he is thinking divorce because his feelings got hurt. There are good reasons to get divorced, but this reason seems shockingly childish and ridiculous. Seems like the essence of his self-esteem is tied up between his legs.
Yup. If OP has hurt feewings, he has an understandable hall pass to say anything at all in the heat of the moment. If his wife does the same, it’s an unsurvivable tragedy and divorce is the only option. So this woman has been walking on eggshells for almost ten years before she broke one? How the HELL did you survive growing up with at least one brother? You must have run crying to mommy a LOT. Granted, I don’t think I’d ever say that to my husband, but if I did it would lead to a discussion on the spot, not a month long sulk and the threat of divorce. ESH, but you really need to grow up.
This. OP for me was a little fragile-egoed guy who probably commented on his wife body and appearance, but if the wife says one single thing she didn't mean in a blow off after his exhausting lack of respecting her boundaries and plans, he immediately talks about divorce regardless of a child+toxic and abusive silence treatment and victimism on reddit Absolutely no sympathy
“ I never realized how ugly she was on the inside. I told her I feel trapped in this marriage, and that I’ve completely lost feelings for her, and when I see her I feel nothing, no love, no hate, just indifference and wanting to be left alone. ” If that’s how you start the conversation about wanting to try marriage counseling….marriage counseling isn’t going to fix anything.
Yes, interesting how he fails to let us know exactly what those things he said were.
That's the way AITA works. Give every detail of how the other party is wrong but *oh I did some stuff I didn't mean but that's not important*. He's a huge hypocrite, like most people who post. They know they're just as bad if not worse than the other person, but they want to have a group of people in the comments make them feel better if they tell a skewed story
Yeah his first post was very short on details other than the one that made his wife look bad.
Yeah it’s not like she said it out of nowhere over brunch. Where is her frustration coming from?
Well him wanting to spend spend spend on an extra vacation would pretty much do it. She wanted to save up for a nice vacation so he said "let's just do all of them". I have a big feeling he's not involved in anything that involves responsibility. He's not grasping why his wife wouldn't want to spend thousands extra on additional vacations when they already have to save for one.
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10 years of dealing with him (assuming this isn’t the first time he’s had a tantrum about getting his way) would do it for just about anyone.
Reddit is full of unreliable narrators. He was also very vague about he “stood his ground,” in the original conversation that lead to the comment. Again, she sucks for going so low. But, clearly we’re missing info.
I picked up on the “stood his ground” part as well. Jeez, a ten-year long marriage and this is what it’s like?
Right? It sounds exhausting and childish
He couldn't remeber what he said. After one month of silent treatment there were just too many words trapped inside of him so he couldn't keep track of them when they finally all came out. /s
That jumped out at me too! He’s yelling that she destroyed him and she’s “ugly on the inside” for saying something she may not have meant in an argument, but then freely admits he did the same thing when he was angry at her. This guy has issues.
It’s a pretty classic “I can’t be wrong” technique. Provoke the other person until they lash out then blame the issues on their loss of control.
I feel like "you're ugly on the inside" is a much worse insult than what she said too. She said something very mean to him, and I can understand him being upset by that (Although I don't really get why some people are so insecure about that), but what he said was an attack on her character. Marriage councilling is a great idea here for them, but I've heard once the resentment sets in, the marriage is often toast.
He remembers. He just doesn't want to repeat them because reddit wouldn't like it.
In his original post, he wrote that he could sense she was exasperated with him, but he stood his ground. Yet he doesn't feel as though he needs to apologize for that, and it's all the wife's fault. I hope she leaves him.
I saw that, too. Based on what he's written here, it feels like OP decided he wasn't going to give in and he was going to get the vacation he wanted so he kept pushing until she lost her cool and said something insulting. Now, because she dick-shamed him, he gets to blame her.
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There is a Buddhist saying that roughly goes - Never mix bad words with a bad mood. You will al have many opportunities to change your mood but you will never have the opportunity to take back the words you spoke.
Sounds like they mastered the art of hurting each other. Not sure where this lands on the love-hate continuum, but it definitely is not indifference.
He didn’t want to solve anything or “save the marriage” **he just wanted to hurt her in the same way she hurted him**. He has all the right to be hurt after what she said. But he behaved like a child before and it’s behaving like a child now. *I’m sorry for the kid that’s being used as an excuse for this shit show*.
I'm glad I wasn't the only to think this. It's like he only felt a weight lifted off his shoulders after he had the chance to insult her back, not because he vented. If his feelings have genuinely gone because of her comment, it seems they were only hanging on by a thread anyway.
I hope OP gets his own personal therapist. His behavior sounds like a nightmare.
Honestly, I completely understand why his wife lashed out at him. He is so nasty and self centered in his posts, I can't imagine having to deal with this every day for ten years.
I would also bet that her comment about his dick was a response to something he said.
This immediately jumped out at me too. And this has been going on for A MONTH??!! Honestly idk how his wife has been putting up with being ignored for this long. It’s ridiculous behavior.
Yep. OP couldn’t help himself from making digs at her personal appearance in his first post, and admits do doing the same thing he’s considering divorce for in this update. Either they’re both toxic people who do this all the time and OP his his limit, or this is a story of OP getting a taste of his own medicine and not being able to take what he dishes out. Either way, it’s going to take one hell of a relationship therapist to fix this marriage.
Gonna be fair and say he seems like he isn't a prize with the childish behavior and being hurtful in return, additionally with trying to put them in the hole financially if they can't afford a vacation in the first place. I will say also in fairness he probably didn't lead with "Your snatch is like a bag of holding".
"Your snatch is like a bag of holding" is my new favorite thing.
>I will say also in fairness he probably didn't lead with "Your snatch is like a bag of holding". This made me snort my coffee. The other day, while out at a thrift store I found a cd by a band called Alabama Thunder Pussy. I told my husband of 24 years that, "Henceforth I shall be known as Duchess Thunder Pussy." He laughed so hard. We bought the cd and listened to it while finishing our errands. He gets me.
>I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said; but I just wanted to get it off my chest OP, hold the phone. You were ready for divorce because your wife made a cruel comment in the heat of the moment. But you admit here that you do the same thing? Saying things you don’t mean when you’re upset? What have you previously said to her in arguments like this? You conveniently “don’t remember” what all you said here. But have you ever made cruel personal remarks designed to hurt her the way the “small dick” comment hurt you? I’m not saying this to excuse what she said or blame you. But this is clearly a pattern you both participate in. Counseling is the right choice, and I’m glad you had the maturity to listen to your brother and give it a shot. I just hope you’ll have a realization about *your* role in this unhealthy dance.
I feel this is the correct take on the situation. There are always two sides to a story, and a comment like that rarely emerges from a vacuum. If this marriage is salvageable they both need to develop more self awareness and respect for one another. Verbally savaging the person you claim to love is not the way.
As someone who was called the fuck out when I suggested something like this on his previous post, can't lie, man do I feel vindicated right now 🤣
Just went and read the original with your comments and yeah, we have a lot of missing info here. Sounds like he's crying because his wife dealt a killing blow and he didn't win the argument. The argument where he doesn't remember anything he actually said, just the mean quote from her.
Right? The fact that the only quote was the wife's clapback, and he just glossed over his part in the argument was so suspicious to me, genuinely made me feel crazy that people weren't picking up on it in the first post
They were arguing over money, and he’s using this as a reason not to speak to his wife (who’s trying to make amends) while he punishes her by spending more money on eating out
Exactly! And even his POV in the argument, essentially just boiled down to "but I want both trips, so we're doing *both trips*" regardless of how financially impossible that was going to be. Man clearly has no concept of money, makes me feel like he's spending someone else's cash more than his
I guarantee at some point in the argument, he used the good ole "Well I want to go to this state with my kid, so even though you want to save for a big trip, we can't have everything we want!" And she just lost it and clapped back with his exact words.
Now that's a guarantee you could take to the damn bank, haha
My ex loved to do this. I had to be perfect. Never say anything wrong. He would call me a pig and say he would eventually get tired of banging a fat chic so I should lose weight. But when I brought up his gut, it was a months long hissyfit because I was mean. Maybe that was just my experience but what he remembers telling her is terrible. I cant imagine what he “forgot” that he said. This whole thing just makes me sad. I wish people would just address stuff. Nothing bothers me more than passive aggressive behavior. I hope they can mature. Poor wife is at least trying.
That's abusive, I'm sorry
OP pretty much proved he is abusive when he doesn't get his way. His wife says one mean comment and he goes on a 1 month tantrum over a comment when he clearly does the same to her as proven by his last discussion where he called her ugly. Hope she leaves his sory ass and finds someone who can actually make her feel better and can communicate.
You could tell in his first post he was a big baby. The way he just iced her out like a little kid instead of talking to her about his feelings. So mature. I had a feeling he was no charm and he’s definitely shown his true colors here
for a whole month at that
As a wife I wouldn’t ever insult my husband that way. But a month of the silent treatment? I’d be gone a couple weeks in tbh. I just do not have the patience to deal with a petulant adult-child refusing to communicate.
I always think it's so telling when the sanitised and cleaned up version they post here still gets them torn apart. Like the fact that you tried so hard to paint yourself in a better light, and it still shows through that strongly just says sooo much, haha
And lo, they downvoted u/LittleSkittles because they told the truth.
Such is always the way 😅
It's because lately, men cannot handle it when their narratives are questioned, and anyone seeing through a narcissist's telling of the story and point out things that don't add up or are intentionally glossed over by the OP, people go, *NUH UH! Man you women are always trying to point the blame at guys!!1!!1! You always try to make it the guys' fault!* even though you would've done the same regardless of the gender.
Even if he was calm and reasonable during the argument, a month of the silent treatment and refusal to accept any apology or anything from her was pretty shitty too. I'm firmly in ESH territory on this one.
>I just hope you’ll have a realization about your role in this unhealthy dance. Yep, I have a feeling counseling is going to be a bit of a reality check for OP. One of the lower level comments in the original thread was "the axe forgets but the tree remembers" and here we learn that it goes both ways. I think there the comment was used to validate OP's strong negative reaction to what his wife may have thought was just a throwaway comment that she didn't really mean, but in this update we find that OP did the exact same thing. He said potentially hurtful things that he conveniently forgot, but his wife will probably remember.
I find it pretty hard to believe if he’s willing to say things he doesn’t mean that he probably lied about the fights. I don’t believe for a second that his story isn’t extremely biased to make himself look/feel better. It’s not to actually help his marriage.
Yep - There's a surprising amount of people telling OP to stay and work on his marriage, which is encouraging to see, but this dude has clearly way checked out so I really don't get the point in moving forward
Imo, saying his wife is "ugly on the inside" is orders of magnitude worse than what she said to him. If my partner said that to me I'd be devastated.
Almost like he's said similar things to her before and doesn't like getting a taste of his own medicine...
I thought the same thing. Not only hypocritical but I'm sure he expects her to just "get over" the things he says while she isn't allowed to get heated.
He says he wants to work on his marriage but then says she ugly on the inside & a bunch of other shit, apparently She should run
Facts I have been with my girlfriend for like 3+ years and a comment like that would just be funny to me. Like it would probably end our argument because I would counter her ass with something like “oh yeah well I wished you had a bigger ass” and then we would probably start laughing. Dude seems mad insecure with her for 10 years and still worried about his Willy size for over a month. Crazy
I said on the last post that OP wasn't a reliable narrator and that note probably led to his wife's words than just vacation planning and here, OP outted himself.
I didn’t comment because I knew I’d get downvoted. But the way he worded things in the other post made me feel he was downplaying his part
Honestly I'm starting to dislike these subs because half the users have a pathological inability to imagine the OP might be lying or inaccurate, or that the other people in the story have feelings too. Like OP will give off near physical waves of sliminess and people will just go "Well he *said* he did the right thing and communicated clearly, it must just be their spouse/sibling has the emotional depth of Heinreich Himmler with a headache. Case closed!" Folks make fun of people posting here for cheap validation but everyone seems real happy to give it, no questions asked.
What stood out to me in the last post was that she was trying to explain they couldn’t afford two vacations & wanted to focus on saving to go abroad (which I think is the smart decision) and he was ranting about how he stood his ground Gave off the vibe that he tries to bully her & isn’t financially responsible And then he stonewalled her for a month, which is a form of emotional abuse. I don’t think this is the first instance of it, given how quick she seems to essentially grovel for forgiveness
She never said he had a “small dick” anyways. She said she wished it was bigger. Lmao he took it to heart because he’s insecure.
Nah. He’s so far up his own ass he can’t see what a massive hypocrite he is
>I probably didn't mean a lot of the things I said Very convenient that you get to say shit you don't mean to, but when you push her over and over again for a vacation you cannot feasibly afford, and she says something hurtful she's "ugly inside" and you get to shun her for a month and paint her a vicious monster to your siblings. I didn't render a judgment on your initial post but I sure do think you're an asshole now.
I came here for this comment. And he conveniently “forgot” the mean things he said to her that he didn’t mean.
Totally agree. An immature person who did exactly what she did times 10
And after the last post where he bragged to Reddit he could get someone way hotter, then tries to say he only called her ugly on the inside? Bullshit. He probably told her something more like insides match her outsides. So he gets to call her ugly, but she can't say his dick is "average". And beyond what an asshole this guy is, why do so many people, men and women, want to be in relationships where your partner has to lie to you for you to want to be with them? If your dick is average or your boobs are small, so be it, why not be with someone who celebrates and loves what you are rather than lie to you, and you lie to yourself? I LOVE dad bods. Never knew it till my current partner, but I don't have to lie to him and tell him that he looks like Chris Hemsworth because I want HIM, not Chris Hemsworth. Other things, I love in him because they exemplify his own unique spin on life and personality. I literally can't imagine lying to save his pride because we are both secure enough to know we love each other despite stupid cosmetic differences (that are true: I have small boobs, he doesn't have the biggest dick I've been with). In the grand scheme of what's most important, sexual prowess is much more than penis size, and he's perfect for me and he knows it.
Personally OP sounds like a giant whiny baby to me. One hurtful comment and he shuns her for a month? Like really? It wasn’t even that bad, it’s not like she ridiculed him about it. Like seriously write a hurt feelings report and move on with your day.
Yep. She apologized right after she said it too. That doesn't make the comment okay, but at least she owned up to it immediately. To then give someone the silent treatment for a month and also clapback with your own insults...... immature af.
Not only did you “forget” what you said to your wife out of anger… you painted a victim narrative when you flat out admitted to saying shitty things in the heat of the moment because it felt good… so why do you get to punish your wife for over a month bc of it??? Hypocrite at its finest. You want to spend money you don’t fucking have on a vacation. You sound dense. OP your wife wants to save up for a vacation. That’s the only reasonable choice! You have a kid who’s relying on their parents to make responsible financial decisions instead of being careless. Yeah it’s shitty your wife made a comment about wishing you had a bigger dick but clearly yours aint an issue because she’s still married to you. Anyways you get to degrade her entire character by saying she’s ugly on the inside but get to cry about her talking about enhancing a physical trait.
I hope the wife realises this and calls for a divorce..this guy clearly doesn't want to see past himself or improve his actions.
I hope she shuns him for a month first!
Ngl this update is giving SDE
** Like she said something to hurt you but didn't mean it? INFO : Also, we still don't know what you said that made her so desperate to get her point throught to make her say what she said. **The pot calling the kettle black while pretending his own blackened ass is shiny as new...** ETA : YTA
Yeah plus she was also profusely apologizing and trying to make it up to him the entire month and he just continued stonewalling her. Wonder if he ever apologizes for cruel things he says to her or just pretends they didn't happen.
So, what were the things you said that you didn’t mean? It’s kind of conspicuous that you “don’t remember” them. If they were personal attacks and cheap shots like the one she fired at you, you’re no better than she is. If they were things like “I don’t think I want to be married to someone who thinks it’s okay to stick an ice pick in my heart in order to win an argument” that’s different.
I would like to hear the wife’s side of this after reading his update. He is leaving shit out.
Even from his initial post he came off as an unreliable narrator. His wife was reaching a breaking point over money they couldnt afford to spend, and he decided to "stand his ground"
Ofc. This was surely a reply to something awful he said, like ‘I wish you still looked like in your wedding pictures’ or ‘I wish I could go out and get drunk with my friends like when I was20’
Well he said it in his original post. He wishes he could have someone younger and prettier. This might explain the dick comment. I might question whether or not a young pretty thing would be interested in his completely average dick and wallet too.
Right? As a single man out here dating, I promise he is overestimating his value on the dating market if he struggles to please women or pay for things. 😂
Oh, I desperately hope she divorces his ass and he realizes how bad things are out there right now.
“I wish I had a wife that was more fun and wanted to do stuff with me” “I wish you weren’t such a stick in the mud” “I wish you were like my last GF”. Yep. He said some stupid shit.
And she wishes he had a bigger dick. Considering all the points he brought up about her failings, I can see why she might have clapped back. He was literally insulting who she is, as a person and her value as a partner. He just thinks it’s ok for him to say whatever he wants about her flaws, but his own “shortcomings” are off the table. Nah.
Probably something like "my husband never listens to me, and always needs to have his way" I'm sure he has personally insulted her before, too, but my main concern is the whole topic and the way he handled things. He didn't care that his wife had legitimate concerns. She obviously felt like he was pushing her into a corner where she'd inevitably have to give up her vacation because they couldn't afford it. He was the one changing plans on her and trying to take something away that she wanted, to give himself something he wanted. If he has a history of this then he deserves to be divorced. Men not listening to me has been my #1 nightmare as a woman trying to date men, and I know I'm not alone. It makes you feel so insignificant, small, and helpless. Seriously, the scars run deep, longterm it absolutely qualifies as emotional abuse. It feels so... infantilizing, and it ruins your self esteem. If he's done that to her then fuck him. I don't see why he had to insist for so long that her concerns were invalid. Oh are they? Really? Money is tight -- who manages the money? Who makes more sacrifices with their wants? How often does OP get his way vs his wife? And how many times does OP's way cause the family financial problems or other problems?
This marriage is doomed and it's not entirely on your wife. You both suck but at least she apologizes and makes an effort. You on the other hand go nuclear over her shit comment, drag it out for a MONTH, and still need time. Meanwhile you basically outright say you probably said stuff you didn't mean but it felt *good*. Surely, you cannot be this dumb. So it's ok for you to say hurtful things, punish your wife for a month (I feel so bad for your 5 year old) and you are still acting like a professional victim. The fact you gloss over your own role in the original argument (WTF do you mean by saying you stood your ground?) and curate the post to make you look as good as possible (and still fail at that) says a lot. Even marriage counseling isn't going to work because you clearly don't want it to. You wanted the chance to hurt her like she hurt you, and you took it. There are no winners here.
> This marriage is doomed and it's not entirely on your wife. It's almost entirely on OP. He has left out so many crucial details and he comes off as a bit of an AH in his previous post, and even more of one here. He pushed his wife to her breaking point, then kept pushing, and basically ghosts and considers divorcing her when she makes an offensive comment in anger
If i could upvote this ten times i would. She lashed out and felt remorse. I get the feeling he's nasty all the time and doesn't care as long as he feels justified
I wonder if OP says a lot of things he “didn’t mean” and this is the first time his wife responded in kind. That’s usually how bullies act. Everyone else needs to get over it, but how dare they do it back to me once and immediately apologize.
Bullies and abusers. They keep it up until it's all their victim knows and as soon as there's a reaction that's the only story they tell Shit my little sister did that when she was 10 but you expect people to grow out of it
Sound advice here! I hope the OP actually reads and internalize this, and not get offended. Sometimes people do not realize how they constantly put themselves in the victim zone without taking accountability.
>You on the other hand go nuclear over her shit comment Yeah, I played this game before - living with and being married to a shit person who would constantly make comments about how worthless and incompetent I was, how I'd turned into a Beta, provoke fights, and after bearing the brunt of it, trying to hold my tongue and listen and be understanding, and finally getting tired of being beat-down and insulted, I'd lash back. She'd then turn it around and say that she "didn't mean" what she said but is now pissed that I got angry at her. Fuck that. If you don't want your partner to negatively react to your shit, horrible, comments, stop being an asshole.
I told her I feel trapped in this marriage, and that I’ve completely lost feelings for her, and when I see her I feel nothing, no love, no hate, just indifference and wanting to be left alone. I think your marriage is done, I wouldn't bother trying if my partner said that.
Literally was looking through for this exact comment before I said it. Done, dead and buried. Why waste your time, money and effort on someone you very clearly dislike. Both go your separate ways before your child picks up on your hatred even more than they would've done already.
Yea not only that but complaining and withholding affection for an entire *month* about a comment she made about a physical trait in an argument where OP is wrong in the first place and won't stfu, but when bringing the matter back up he can tell her she's "ugly on the inside" (waaaay worse imo) and then say he's the one that needs space still because of her comment?? He's obviously way too comfortable attacking her character, I would bet this isn't the first time he acted that way when he didn't get his way, and she's just dishing his attitude back at him. It's done OP, your wife is the only one interested in making this relationship and financial situation work, probably because you've worn down her self esteem enough to think she deserves your behavior. You're childish, YTA.
Marriage was done even before the update. He gives these little clues - wants to make it work for the kid, but he feels trapped. He only felt something for her when she started crying - that one is the most cringe. Treating her bad till she breaks and files for divorce so he can be a "good" husband that tried. Calculated and cold.
Yeah if that's truly how he feels and so much of that conversation was just about offloading his vitriol on the wife? He sees counseling as an opportunity to berate her further, get her in line, because based on this post he's not seeing that he's (part of) the problem. And he doesn't feel anything towards her until she's broken and sobbing? I don't have enough red flags for that
So what disgusting things did you say to her that you “didn’t mean”? Awful light on the details of the shit YOU say. You started it didn’t you. But you “don’t remember” the horrible shit you say, but one comment from her and you’re the victim. Sure.
This has been such a roller coaster ride and now I just feel like the narrator’s too unreliable to take his account at face value. Maybe this is a hot take but IME things people say “out of anger” “in the heat of the moment” “while drunk” absolutely do irreparable damage. Whether that ends a relationship or not, it depends, but I think all the Redditors saying they should be forgiven/forgotten are offering a bad take too. It’s probably worth saying, if your relationship frequently involves conflicts of escalating mean statements that you wish you can take back afterwards, you might want to take a moment and reflect whether or not the relationship is working and whether it should be continued. People in a healthy relationship do not try to destroy their partner in an argument.
The whole topic really left a bad taste in my mouth. This is basically what happened in the previous post: He chronically dismisses her and won't back down. She has real concerns. **She is polite and calm about it.** He doesn't care. He doesn't think her words and arguments matter. He keeps dismissing them while pushing. **He will not take no for an answer.** Gradually, her patience wears thin. She is still polite. But her tone is more frustrated. She is still making reasonable arguments. She is not personally insulting him. She is still trying to talk reason into him. He doesn't care. He ignores everything she says. He makes her feel small and insignificant. She is voiceless. Nothing she says matters to him. So eventually she hits him with an insult. Nothing she says matters to him anyway, right? Oh, now suddenly her words have meaning. Now when they can be used against her. Why wasn't he listening to her during all that time that he admits that she was calm and polite? Why didn't he listen to her when she expressed she was frustrated with him through her tone and body language? You can't have both. If you want a wife who doesn't get angry at you, you cannot doggedly put her down and refuse to hear her side. He did the classic thing women are told to NEVER do -- punished behavior that he wanted to see. You want a wife that is respectful and has pleasant and calm conversations with you? Then you need to value her when she is calm. He took her demeanor and politeness for granted and thought he could bully her into agreeing to essentially give up her vacation since they wouldn't be able to afford it, without her ever lashing out at him. Well, he was wrong. The whole thing just feels fucked up. I have been incessantly and doggedly dismissed by boyfriends and believe me when I say that it's worse than being hit. It's dehumanizing, and it makes you feel helpless, and they're essentially saying to your face "you're beneath me, I don't see your words as anything more than an inconvenience, I'm more important than you, I don't care about you." Yeah, after years of being told this, of course you'll snap eventually. OP can not both refuse to ever listen to his wife, refuse to acknowledge the validity of her concerns, refuse to CARE about her feelings, and then demand she listen to him, she agree with everything he says and wants, and that she should -- one-sidedly -- care about his feelings! Sorry for the rant, this one just really feels off.
So, not only was she right about the financial issue, She did something you just admitted to doing yourself (heat of the moment "idr what I said"), And she apologized and communicated after the fact when you ignored her for a month and then dumped on her one night and made her cry. You said you don't love her to her face, so why even try? For a son who will resent you both if this keeps on? You really don't think yta here?
TBH it seemed like you were more interested in being consumed by righteous anger than repairing your strained relationship. You certainly don't have to fix this relationship, but it also seems like you were looking for an out, and once you had your wound, you were going to pick at that scab until your relationship ended.
I feel like he intentionally left out what was said in the original argument. Who just pops off with "Well, I wish you had a bigger dick but we don't always get what we want" when having a civil discussion over when and to vacation? The math ain't mathing here.
That was pretty clear even from his origional post, even if he disguised it. He said they were arguing over the finances of the vacation, and he knew she was at a breaking point and decided to "stand his ground". Imagine dealing with your husband irresponsibly spending money sending your family into debt, and then he keeps pressuring you to take a vacation you cannot afford. And when he knows that you can't take any more, he "stands his ground"
OP you need a serious reality check. You sound incredibly immature and hypocritical.
Sounds like you need some individual therapy too, if you've been holding a lot of stuff in for years.
Dude, you stonewalled your wife for a month. That is a terribly cruel, awful thing to do to someone. And you have a 5 year old son in the house. Don’t think you didn’t punish him too with this. He’ll remember watching what you did to his mother. Stonewalling for that long is abuse. And what she said was terrible. You had a right to be devastated. You had the right to an apology and you had the right to be heard and appropriately reacted to. But stonewalling her for that long was completely disproportionate and it makes me wonder how many other times you’ve punished your wife in a disproportionate way. You’ve been married for 8 years and you have a child. I was married for 19 years. People say things in fights. You even just admitted to doing that yourself. My ex used to say terrible things to me in fights. It hurts like hell but you don’t end a long term marriage over one bad comment unless you’re looking for an excuse to leave. You want to leave your marriage and go and find some hot young wife like your sister suggested? Have the guts to admit that’s what you want, own your bad guy status and leave honestly. I hope she divorces you and that you grow the hell up so your son doesn’t grow up thinking and acting like this.
Exactly. Thank you, and over the stupidest comment. Like size, really? You know lesbians do just fine pleasuring women better than most men and they have negative size. Seriously, who puts that much emotion and thought on dick size. To ruin your own marriage though.
Kids can be very smart and pick up on things like that
My baby is six months old and notices when my demeanor and mood changes. There’s no way their 5yo didn’t absorb that. I grew up with my dad stonewalling my mom. Guess who I hate now, as an adult, now that I can see both sides? Stonewalling is a terribly abusive thing to do to someone. My sister does it to me often too. I just stopped engaging with her or even trying. It becomes much less fun for the abuser that way. I hope OP’s wife just quietly leaves. Stonewallers are professional victims.
I said in your other post you were being dramatic but I did not know it was to such a great degree. After seeing this post you should be glad that's all she said. You sound like a bitch and I wouldnt be surprised if you used The Silent Treatment often as a way for you to get her to give in to your idea
OP: Marriage counseling aside, YOU NEED therapy yourself. Frankly, I’m concerned about the 5 year old. If you don’t go to therapy, who knows what’ll happen when the kid grows up and maybe has a teenage tantrum says something hurtful like “You’re insecure and ruined our family because you couldn’t handle an off handed comment about your dick size.” Then what? Go no contact with your kid? Oof. Good luck to y’all.
What your wife said was indeed 'below the belt' however you come across just so...gross. So after punishing & ignoring her for an entire long month, you went on to say just as hurtful things to her and it made you feel better?? You made her suffer a whole month to come up with that as your attempt for resolution? At least she tried to make things better from right afterwards, and continually whilst you cruelly, purposefully dragged things out to just say just as cruel things (probably worse since you conveniently 'forgot' some bits) to her.
AND he can’t forgive her yet. He only “felt something” when she cried then refused to kiss her. He’s a fucking sadist! He wanted her to say some fucked up shit. She did, and now he gets to come out on top as winning. Pathetic.
He's just slimy. He pushes he again and again wanting a trip they can't afford and twisting her arm, and when she lashes out he punishes her every way he can find, wastes said money they don't have and goes nuclear when he can.
Bro no offense but you need therapy. All of this drama over a dick comment altho mean is too much. You sound like a drama queen dude. This relationship would make more sense if you two were teenagers.
The insecurity and hypocrisy radiates in everything he wrote
I think trying to make your marriage work “for the kid” is a poor excuse. You’re just going to be showing your son that it’s better to stay and try to be with someone who makes you feel in your words insecure and worthless rather than find someone who doesn’t make you feel that way. You said your wife is ugly on the inside and you don’t feel anything for her so that’s the lesson you want to teach your son? That feeling trapped in marriage is okay. Kids are smarter than you think and they know when their parents are unhappy or in a bad marriage and they carry that into their own relationships. Together 10 years or not, counseling or not, just seems like you’d rather take the easy way out than actually see the situation for what it is. You both need to do work on yourselves not just your marriage.
I want to get this off my chest. Your wife says something shitty in a fight that, in my opinion seemed like she was the logical person given financial struggles suggested and she wanted to plan ahead. She says something that isn't nice. You proceed to stonewall, which is domestic abuse. Go fucking look it up. She carried on, buying birthday gifts, doing her daily life, all the while being treated like shit after apologizing sincerely, taking care of your child while hoping the one she married would talk to her eventually. When you do talk to her - after you posted about your hurt fee fees on reddit where you proceeded to talk about some fucking new person you could get with - instead of speaking truthfully, you become a massive hypocrite and say shit you didn't mean. But, hey, as long as you feel better, right? She has been carrying on with, probably, fear and you remained cold and distant on purpose. Bruh. Not to mention, you decided to say something that would resonate emotionally with her, not something physical, which is harder to get over. You're a fucking asshole. I feel bad for you both. And your kids. Counseling will hopefully help her see what an immature person she married.
Honestly I hope his wife leaves him
This reads exactly like a post I read a month ago where the wife made a comment on his penis and his love for her just 'evaporated'. Went to reddit, reddit said go to therapy, he posted that he'd go to therapy for the sake of their kid. Next update he said he went on a trip and loved being away from his wife so is going ahead with the divorce anyway. Calling it now LOL
I hope you happy you got your lick back. After distancing yourself for a while month. You came to tell your wife you will try not for her but for your son. On top of calling her ugly and saying how you just feel so trapped. Maybe you should get a divorce cause you won’t come out of counseling with the same wife you went in with. It sounds like you’re just trying to break her down to get what you want smh.
"I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said; but I just wanted to get it off my chest." So you can say things that you don't mean in anger, but she can't? Make it make sense.
Nahhhhh you sound like an absolute toss rag. 'I said things i probably didn't mean'.. ok... so... maybe she did? Honestly, what a fucking baby.
So ESH…. You both disrespect each other when you are hurt. She very much used that line to purposefully hurt you… Then you used your hurt to punish her, by actively deciding every day for a full month, to distance yourself from her and be rude and mean every chance you got. You chose that for 30 days over talking like the adult you are, and then proceeded to also use hurtful comments like how “ugly she is on the inside”… unless she has done this repeatedly and use insecurities and vulnerabilities against you, this is really uncalled for. As you said “to do this to someone you’re married to for almost a decade” your entire behaviour towards your wife after she hurt you was just horrible.
So you can say things in a heated moment that you don’t mean but she did and you shut down and want to divorce? Pot, meet kettle.
So now you are a massive hypocrite AND an asshole. Do you not hear yourself? You can say shit you don’t mean but she makes one comment, once, apologises multiple times and she’s an AH?? You are seriously unhinged. I hope she realises how much she is worth and makes you apologise for your asshole behaviour and comments.
Well this is a positive update and please let your future marriage counselor know that you prefer short term gratification vs. your wife's more prudent use of finances and that you have very thin skin when you don't get your way and need to be handled with "kid gloves" because your ego can't handle rather tame insults. I've been married over 2 decades, and I'm not impressed with your unreliability as a narrator. If you ask me, it really sounds like you use emotional blackmail to make sure your wife doesn't go against you and you get your way. This isn't the stuff of marriage longevity.
Wow. Actually I hope you do leave her because you are horrible. And a hypocrite. It’s ok for you to say things you don’t mean but she can’t? You just threw a whole load of stuff at her after she made one comment. You were out to hurt. That was intentional. I hope you get a decent counsellor who actually understands both sides because I see you trying to use this to manipulate and hurt her even more. Ick.
I’m sorry but the idea of a grown man being this upset about a heat of the moment comment that was heavily apologized for after is just so deeply pathetic. The idea that your sister is somehow encouraging this patheticness is weird and out of place. Thank god for your brother and that you had the good sense to ask for strangers’ opinions. The fact that you got mad and said mean things you didn’t mean that upset your wife is peak irony. Maybe remember that the next time you’re so hung up on your dick size over one comment. It sounds like YOU are the one who is ugly on the inside to me frankly. Even in the first post, the reason your wife finally snapped is because you are constantly pestering her to waste money on a trip when she says it’s not financially sound to do so. When one partner wants to be careful and the other doesn’t, it’s hard to see her as the problematic one. It seems like you pushed her until she snapped and then immediately held her snapping against her, far more than your behavior that led to her snapping. You need help man.
And don’t forget that after the argument over the finances he took himself out to dinner every day for a month to punish his wife.
Literally insane.
It's like a grown toddler is posting, tbh. Except toddlers get over tantys faster. Like, imagine one dick comment being enough to implode a whole marriage because the guy is insecure af. She didn't even call his dick small. She was literally just using a "we can't always get what we want" analogy that he would understand, since he couldn't understand money doesn't grow on trees.
ESH. You said, "I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said." What about your wife? Could she have done the same too? Cut her some slack. No one is perfect.
>I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said; Oh, look at you. The same thing you want to divorce over is something you also do.
You said a lot of things you probably didn't mean? But are ready to divorce her for doing the same thing? There are money concerns but you are now eating out to spite your wife. Do you two even like each other? And did you know - many people view marriage as "me and you against the world" rather than "me and you against each other." Is this rage bait? Or are you wanting an exit and using this as a convenient "out" so you don't look like the bad guy? (Just to be super clear - your wife was wrong to make that comment. But you are going nuclear when it sounds like the two of you *both* need to work on communication.)
So you’re allowed to say shit you don’t mean but she’s not? Big eye roll from me dude 🙄 no sympathy for you 🤡
You seem like you spout poison when you’re mad too. Maybe you should both work on that.
I agree what she said was horrible. You wrote: "I opened up to my wife last night for the first time in almost a month." Then you proceeded to say demeaning things and spew hate. While you did express some "feelings/emotions," you went far beyond "opening up" and you did it intentionally to try to hurt her. You "felt better" because you got to express anger and resentment and felt you could transfer it to her. Your marriage is broken because of "both" of you. I don't see counseling changing your hate. The problem that won't change is the need to feel like it's necessary to be right and to "get back" at someone you feel wronged you...issue is when it's your spouse it never works out to be a healthy marriage.
Your wife said a bad thing (one bad thing in a decade) out of frustration. She instantly apologised and has apologised profously since, despite the month long silent treatment and childish behaviour on your end. How utterly blown out of proportion, for you to then say shit to her when you finally talk to her lmfao. You're literally throwing away a marriage over a small dick comment which was instantly rescinded ☠️ how fragile is your ego.
You are just as ugly on the inside. My goodness!
What she said sounds so much like a response to something you said. I guess you wished something absurd from her so she replied with this. It doesn't sound like a real wish but as making a point of some statement of yours being nonsensical. Marriage counselling sounds just a postponement on the much needed divorce if you feel nothing for your wife anymore. Do a favour to both and get a divorce. She, at least, will be better off.
If that is what you truly feel for your wife I don’t understand why you not just divorce her. And if my wife told me and truly felt what you told your wife I wouldn’t bother with marriage counselling but go directly for divorce. I would be willing to work out whatever as long as there is love, but if it’s gone, what’s the point. Now what your wife said to you was mean, but I don’t think it was THAT mean to be honest. Like giving up a whole marriage and acting like a mental for a month. I mean come on get over yourself.
You just had to get all those digs at her huh? You don't love her, you called her ugly on the inside, you stonewalled her for a month and then sent her a mixed signal. I'd be done with you and your financially irresponsible ass. How do you say "Hey Satan, let's try and fix this. No don't touch me while I console you after no contact for a month!!!" What's the point of marriage counseling for your son? It's not his marriage. It's yours. You do it for your marriage, not a kid. Leave him out of your journey here. Yta
So you get butthurt about words then say "and while she was beautiful on the outside, I never realized how ugly she was on the inside. " ? You are mega cringe
Right?! OP is such a hypocrite. Also that comment that he said lots of things he didnt mean but he conveniently forgot he said exactly. His wife immediately apologized and tried to make it right but he just ignored her for a month and continued to destroy their budget by eating out every day. OP seems to love to paint himself as a victim in this extremely one sided story.
Yeah man of course she was crying really badly. She made one off handed comment on the middle of a heated argument you REFUSED to drop, immediately apologized and said she didn't mean it and had her husband act like he completely hated her and wished she was dead, with NOTHING she tries to bridge the gap working. She spends an entire month trying and trying and trying and putting in the effort and writing letters and buying birthday gifts that get denied only for her husband to tell her that he doesn't love her, she's an ugly bad person, and that he wants a divorce, and is verbally berated by the man she loves about how much of a horrible bad person he thinks she is. and he says he's "willing to try marriage counseling, for the son" and she already knows it's a lost cause cause the closest she could get is her husband being willing to tolerate her. And then he continues to deny her any physical comfort or real reassurance. Not that he can, cause her husband doesn't love her and as far as she's aware, never will again. and probably goes right back to stonewalling her. Because she made one mean comment that she immediately regretted a month ago and he will never forgive her for it. And no, you still can't afford two vacations, but screw it maybe she'll be emotionally broken down enough to put you guys into debt to make you happy
Y’all are wasting each other’s time. You said you feel nothing for her there is no coming back from that. Let her go find Mr big dick and you can go find a woman you actually care about.
Viewing both posts, The insult in a heated argument was immature but it's common for people to say shit they don't mean in a heated argument in hopes to shut them up. A lot of people do it. If it's constant, that's abuse at that point. But god damn ain't you petty as shit huh? Both of you are immature. But damn you petty, like. . . Talk to her instead of ignoring her existence for a month over a stupid argument. "I don't love you anymore, I hate you, divorce." Over an insult she felt bad about because you both were angry. Then you say she's ugly over one dick comment and go for the divorce option. It all sounds like a two kids in daycare fighting because the one said their shoes were ugly. Relationships aren't perfect, there's always going to be arguments and shit said. Difference is if the partner constantly puts the other down. Communication is key. Counselling is the first option instead of divorce if there's no abuse involved.
>I said a lot more stuff I don’t remember as I was a bit emotional, I probably didn’t mean a lot the things I said; So you also say hurtful things but you're only holding your wife accountable and not yourself? Hm weird but also of fucking course. You both sound immature as fuck but you more so because you lack an astounding amount of self-awareness and don't seem to have any trouble putting all the blame on your wife. Good luck.
"I will try and save our marriage for my son, and see if marriage counseling can fix our marriage. I opened up to my wife last night for the first time in almost a month. I told her what she said made me feel worthless and insecure, and while she was beautiful on the outside, I never realized how ugly she was on the inside. I told her I feel trapped in this marriage, and that I’ve completely lost feelings for her, and when I see her I feel nothing, no love, no hate, just indifference and wanting to be left alone. " Says he'll try to save the marriage Proceeds to burn everything to the ground forever
Omg, so then does your wife get to ignore you for weeks on end and only focus on your kid? Because you made an entire post about hurt feelings after she said something damaging to your ego. Convenient now that you’re giving yourself a pass for the same thing. You guys at a minimum need counseling. You also need some self reflection, badly.