She will treat it as your "wedding gift". She already thinks your relationship is disposable if she missed your wedding for a paltry work event.
Please do yourself a favor and go on a nice outing on her wedding,
No she won't, she will expect a gift too.
A work event planned that far ahead that she couldn't get cover at all, really? Assuming you didn't arrange your wedding in a month, I find that difficult to believe.
It is not OPs responsibility to cover the gap in sisters poorly planned wedding. She should have had a budget and stuck to it. Now it looks like she will have to scale back and choose what is really important to her.
Depends on the event - conferences are often planned a year or more in advance, and can make or break promotions. I'm not saying that OP should fund her wedding, though. If she'd wanted to prioritize his wedding, she could have. She didn't, and there are consequences for that.
Unless sister just used a work event as an excuse. Also what work event outside of proper working hours would be more of a priority than your sisters wedding? Lol
I fell for this helped my sister (whom hates me and always has) but to shut my mom and brothers up (family treats me as their personal atm) I loaned her close to 3500 for deposits under the agreement that it was a laon until her paycheck...then it was until a settlement check... then until after the wedding...then until after the honeymoon...then, then, then
Until a family dinner with exteded relatives and inlaws from all over my mom made a toast thanking me for the genrous "WEDDING GIFT" to my c-bag sister 🤦🏼♀️
I privately told my sister i needed that money and then came all the denial it was a loan blah blah i had to just write it off.
I have loaned NO ONE money since that was almost 20 years ago
Exactly. I loaned $10k to a family member to help them buy a house, with a promissory note, knowing that I would be ok if they didn't pay it back.
Over several years (later than promised), they paid back most, but not all of it (~$8k). That was okay, but since then they have received no gifts of any kind from me: I gave them their gifts in advance.
No hard feelings on either side.
I’m apparently the only one who is paying back a family loan. Although a bit of a different situation took out a second mortgage through my parents to pay off a car. Would have paid in cash but at the time interest rates were low. Parents were going to put money in long term cds. They loaned it to me made a higher interest rate then the cds, I didn’t have to pay any fees like a mortgage through a bank, I could write off the interest. Returns on stock market were significantly higher then interest rate. Everyone wins.
Never loan money to anyone unless you have a written agreement for repayment. Even then, I still wouldn't loan money. But, at a minimum, you need to have written and signed agreement about the terms of the loan.
> Never loan money to family that you are not willing to lose.
This, always this.
Any loan to a family or friend must be thought of as a gift because that is how they, the recipient, will view it.
You are a better person than me. I would have told everybody right then and there:
"Oh, is that what she told you, Mom? That was a LOAN. Not a gift. And she has been promising me to repay it for a year now, asking me to wait until her next paycheck comes in and such.Sister, I am surprised at you. Why would you lie to Mom?"
Her inlaws are pretty well connected in a very niche industry that my husband works in they are twempramental vindictive boomers ao i held my tongue for my hubs sake.
Yeah, the trailer park queen needed a over the top breakfast at Tiffany's black tie wedding because every teenage mom needs such a production when she marries a bus boy 🤦🏼♀️
I dont know for sure but im assuming yes, he wants to NOT live up to his wealthy parents life style so he still has his highschool job as a bus boy, shes always nouncing between jobs and has had a few afairs on bim, dont know if he knows or if hes just now addictednto the rush of being white trash and all the drama
that goes along with it.
They survive by his family continually subsidizing their living expenses, which they are happy.tp do to have access to the grandkids
If I were you I would have cleared in front of relatives that it was loan and I expect payment back. Would have blocked mom and brother. And would have urged every relative to call sister and ask for repayment.
Shes the goldenchild.... I did eventually block my family but that was after my mom hired a hitman to kill my dad so she didnt have to divorce and could date some new guy, and my siblings justified it because dad didnt want to live the high life running around the globe with my c-bag mom at the age of 82 ... My family is a hot mess we have tv show episodes about us and an abc afterschool special...and i wish i was joking when i say that
I loaned my sister money for a schooling and she denies I even lent it! I actually had it written down but lost the diary it was in. My mum witnessed it and says she forgot and it may have not even happened. 3000 GBP... My brother still owes 2k... Never again.
>She argued that her situation was different and that family should help each other out when in need.
Your sister does not **need** your money. She has wants and no doubt (gag) dreams for her picture perfect, fairy tale wedding.
Needs are food, clothing, shelter, and even help with health care. IMO, you'd be a fool to "lend" her any money for her fantasy wants. And of course, others are right that she'd double down and claim you gave it as a wedding present. She might even come back for more.
This actually has little do with her not making you enough of a family priority to attend your wedding, though I certainly understand your upset. It has to do with your sister believing she's entitled to your money. She is not. NTA
My brother needed to borrow some money I put the money in a savings account and made him get the loan through the bank. If he defaulted I would be out the money but his credit would be in the toilet. I figured it was incentive for him to pay the money back. Otherwise it would at some point be considered a gift and I would never see it again.
NTA. You're an adult and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You really didn't need to give her a reason why. After all no is a complete sentence. She doesn't have enough money, there's this thing called a budget, and it tells you exactly how much you can spend. /s You "lend" her that money, you'll never see it again. She'll probably be like oh I thought it was a gift, or tell you you're being petty again.
Listen to your gut. Your instincts are spot on and showing you which fork in the road you should take. NTA
ETA: why is there never any talk about scaling back the wedding? If you can’t afford it, maybe you just don’t buy it.
I definitely would not lend her a dime towards her wedding even if she attended yours. If she cannot afford the wedding she wants, then she needs to scale it down and have the wedding she can afford. I’ve never understood people who go into debt or beg and borrow from family to pay for a wedding.
Definitely don't do it. If it were the other way around she wouldn't do it. You don't mention if you're even invited to her wedding. Please do not lend her any money. You won't get any thanks for it and she'll never pay you back.
NTA. I'm guessing you didn't spring your wedding date on your sister last minute, like it's Monday & "hey, I'm getting on Friday at noon. You can make it right?" If they can't afford the added expenses, maybe they need to reevaluate what they really want at their wedding.
It's not on anyone, but the wedding couple, to pay for the wedding. You didn't offer & that's a selfish asshole move to expect it.
NTA. Some wise old self made man once said never "lend" any amount of money that you can't afford, to not be repaid. That advice has served me well for over 40 years!
NTA. Why should you put family first for her when she didn't for you? She literally put work first. The opposite of what she's telling you to do. Why shouldn't you hold a grudge and hurt feelings over that?
Plus, you'll never see that money again. No. Don't reward crappy behavior, hypocrisy, and entitled AHs.
This. I'm so sick of people telling people they are being petty and holding a grudge when a person asserts appropriate boundaries or valid feelings.
Don't loan the money. Sis needs to figure out how to budget appropriatly and live with in her means.
Sometimes “holding a grudge” means “That hurt. That still hurts. You’ve never properly made amends, and you’ve never truly acknowledge what you did. And if you tell me to move on, it’s because you don’t care that it hurt and you don’t ever plan on making amends or even acknowledging it”.
If she’s got some unexpected expenses, she can take an unexpected loan out.
NTA
And if she prioritized work during his wedding, you’d think she’d be getting paid nicely! Either her work isn’t that important or she’s underpaid if she needs a loan now. Why isn’t she asking your parents? NTA.
Okay so i might be giving her too much credit but wouldn't being underpaid and working a rough job explain both not being able to miss work and needing to loan the money? Like idk maybe she just can't afford to lose her job even if it means missing the wedding? Again maybe i'm giving her too much credit but the current work market seems to be pretty awful all over the world
NTA. She didn’t prioritize your wedding even minimally, but expects you to pull out the stops for hers. Tell her if she wanted to experience a wedding paid for by your money, she should’ve come to yours.
NTA. I wouldn’t lend her any money. It’s NOT “an urgent need”. It’s a wedding. Like the wedding you had that she couldn’t be bothered to attend because she had a work thing. How is her situation different? How did she show/give you support when you got married? This isn’t holding a grudge. You’re not prioritizing her wedding in YOUR life, like she didn’t prioritize yours. I agree with your wife. The friends telling you to “let it go” probably spout that “be the bigger person” and “keep the peace“ crap. All that does is guilt the person who was wronged to allow themselves to keep being wronged and taken advantage of. You do not OWE it to your sister to fund her wedding.
NTA
Isn't it rich when someone prioritizes themselves over being their for a close family member, but then uses the whole "family needs to help eachother out when in need" when they want your support?
The thing is that you didn't need her money. You needed your sister to be there to support you and see you get married, and she used work as an excuse. I'm sorry I have 2 brothers I'm super close to and unless my not being at work would result in a death or bomb going off, there's no where else I'd be than at my brothers wedding.
Let's be real, she didn't want to be there. You got married before her. More rivalry. She is likely now planning a wedding that she hopes will be better than yours, and wants you to pay for it.
There are no unexpected wedding expenses that require a significant loan within a few months of the wedding, my guess is that she put deposits down on expensive places and she has to pay up.
When I got married, my parents paid for some and we had to pay the rest and of course there were things i wanted to have but i couldn't afford. So i didnt have them. She could take out a loan herself, but it's likely she has no intention of paying it back.
If you ever find yourself uttering a variation of these phrases
'You have no sense of humor. You can't take a joke'
'That was in the past. You should let it go, and stop holding onto grudges'
'I have no filter, I tell it like it is. I keep it real'
Then you are an AH.
Your sister wants to be petty, but then not let anyone be petty back to her.
Also, be aware that a new couple starting out on the life together, asking for a loan from family are asking for a monetary gift. The will not pay you back, and when you ask for it, they will accuse you of being greedy and not being considerate of their challenges.
NTA people should not be borrowing money for a wedding. It shows terrible priorities and does not show that they are financially responsible. Unless repayment terms were in a written contract, she is a high default risk.
Personally, I think she needs to grow up, live within her means, and downsize the wedding.
Also, I would bet that you’re not the only person she’s asked for money, everyone else probably gave a token amount or said no. I’d 100% want to know who else has been asked and how much she’s begged from others.
If you are inclined to do so, give her a monetary gift you are comfortable giving and it’s an early wedding gift. You could be petty and have her sign something acknowledging it’s an early wedding gift bc honestly she sounds super unreliable.
Do you have any guarantee that she would pay you back? Also what is her job that she couldn’t get off for your wedding? How much advance notice did have for your wedding? I think all of these things play into your decision.
It would end up being a wedding gift and not a loan.
I would say NTA, she showed no compassion and support for you during your wedding but now expects financial support for hers?
She couldn’t come because a work event. Well, at least you know where her priorities lie. I would not lend her anything because I don’t think you’ll get it back. She seems the type to claim you said that’s her wedding present. NTA
NTA You are holding a grudge but you're not being too harsh. You requested her support and she refused, she requested your support and you refused. She now has acknowledge that she hurt you. It sounds like that's hard for her to do.
Please just don’t give her that money. You are worth more than being an ATM for someone who couldn’t give you their time of day. I’m so sorry to be such an ass about this, just saying you’ll actually feel worse after giving her what she wants (money) when you realize she’ll never give you what you really want: her love. It’s not you, she’s just not someone capable of giving.
Listen as a sister, I can say there would be very few things that would cause me to miss my brothers wedding. What kind of "work event" was this? NTA..don't give her a dime, you will never see it again. IF you decide to loan her some then get a lawyer to draft up a contract regarding paying it back
NTA, I will repeat a well used mantra. Your sister needs to have the wedding she can afford. Lending her money to begin a marriage is bad business for you both. Please do not tie it into her not coming to yours any more. You are acting on an emotional response that will trigger in a full breakdown of your relationship.
It is not your problem if she made bigger plans than she can afford. You can choose to give her a monetary gift for her wedding or toward a honeymoon. It enough to fund her gap though. What you and your spouse can afford to give without hurting your household.
NTA but it has nothing to do with your sister missing your wedding. It’s that loaning money for a wedding is a bad idea. A wedding that requires debt is a wedding those people cannot afford.
If they can’t afford it now, how are they planning to afford to pay you back? (The answer is, of course, that they have no intention of repaying).
Depends on the work event. If it would have gotten her fired, then maybe I could see it, depending on how many months in advance she was told about the wedding. If she knew a year out, hell no. If she knew only a couple months out and it's a required event, one of those "either you're in the hospital in surgery or you are there or else" and she has a high-paying job that isn't easy to replace, then I could see it not being something she could go around. Generally, as weddings are announced way way way in advance, (ours was an exception)? I doubt she has an excuse.
If you choose to loan her money, meet at the bank, get it notarized, the works. Make it official. Have her set up an automatic withdrawal-and-deposit from her account into yours each month starting a month after the wedding. Charge interest. Point out that if she took a loan out from the bank, it would cost the same but it would also improve her credit score. Have your parents co-sign a loan if you can get them to. Make it so that you CAN collect, period, afterwards, and I hope it's doable for you!!! If she wants an unofficial loan she can pay back whenever, it's not happening.
NTA. Once she’s had her perfect day (partly on your dime) there is no urgency to repaying you back. Why is she having the wedding she wants if she can’t afford it?
Getting money as a wedding gift is one thing to help offset your costs, but it’s another to get a “loan” from siblings that very very likely won’t get paid back as other life priorities that cost money will come up.
NTA. She wants a handout and only reached out when she needed something. Yes family help each other out but family should also be involved and active participants for big events/milestones like weddings.
NTA. Even if she did go to your wedding you’re still not obligated to help pay for HER wedding. Sheesh people are nuts. Why would you have a wedding g if you can’t afford it 🙄
You could tell her that you will help her out by not.costing her the price of you and your wife's dinner at her wedding. She can consider it your gift to her for her wedding. See, saved her $300 right off the top! What a good brother. Pat yourself on the back.
You sound like you don’t actually believe she had to miss your wedding. So INFO : how inflexible was her work thing? Because ’come to my wedding and lose your job / get demoted / not be able to pay your bills / severely damage your career’ is obviously a huge ask and a petty thing to hold a grudge over. But ‘you could have taken off but you didn’t want to ask’ is obviously on the other side of a large work time off spectrum. You could just as well say her presence wasn’t important to *you* if you didn’t run the wedding date by her first before booking and make sure she could make it.
You don't mention the likelyhood of your sister actually repaying the loan. And, I think you are being both harsh and holding onto a grudge.
That being said, NTA for not loaning money unless you want to. (Even if she had attended, loaning her money would still be your choice.)
You for sure won't see it. This is going to be a gift, and you'll need to get another gift too. If you're willing to gift her the money, that's very generous.
If you're expecting it back, you're in for a fight. She didn't even care enough to go to your wedding so she's not going to care about burning your relationship down over the money.
I hate the phrase "holding a grudge" because it implies that you are in the wrong.
My family says this about me...
I'm not holding a grudge....I am just DONE!!!!
I then act accordingly.....so please don't let the connotation guilt you!!!!
Snap out of it. Listen to your wife (you married her for something) your sister needs to understand that actions have consequences. You really do not love a sibling if you cannot make some time to attend their wedding. Now she loves you because she needs money and only in her wedding family help each other. Really? Are you this dumb?
This is not about the money as many here want to convince you. Money can be regained, even more if you are in a good financial position. This is about respect to you, your wife, your marriage, your family. This is about being reciprocal to what you received. If you believe your sister loves you, try to see if you get an invitation after you deny her the money. Let's see how much family means to her and how much she loves your new family (you and your wife). Let's see if she does not hold grudges. If this happens, update us.
NTA. Let her know you had an urgent financial obligation pop up and you will need to spend some extra time working it off. Unfortunately this means you won't be able to loan her money OR attend her wedding. Then take your wife on a 2nd honeymoon.
Unexpected Wedding expenses = poor planning + overspending. They need to stay within their means or postpone until they can afford what they want. Presumably they have been engaged for a while and did not save for themselves during that time period. If you do decide to “loan” her money you can kiss that money goodbye. There will always be something more important than paying you back. Additionally, all you asked her to do was to show up for you but she couldn’t be bothered but she wants (wants not needs) something suddenly you are family who should be there for each other and open your wallet. This isn’t a medical emergency, it’s a party. NTA.
I would not loan her any however if you do, have her sign paperwork on repayments. Family is one thing money is another. Remove the emotion and make it business
NTA a sister that refuses to attend your wedding then hits you up for money for hers is an entitled lowlife. Isn't it funny how "family" didn't matter one iota when you married but now she's short of funds you are again suddenly "family"? Don't fall for it, moochers & freeloaders pull this crap all the time - stay your course & suggest she make better choices with others as she FAFO'd you.
Don’t do it. I don’t understand all these post of siblings asking siblings for money for their wedding. I would never dream of asking mine. Parents ya siblings no. U can’t afford it you don’t have it simple
Wow the audacity of this situation is awful. The sister missed her brothers wedding for a work event! Did the OP even confront her or was it all passive aggressive? Honestly it was so cheeky of her to ask!
She lost me at "unexpected wedding expenses" because every wedding I've been involved in was carefully planned to be within their budget and would not have had any large unexpected expenses. At most, a little extra because they planned based on an estimate that turned out to cost more with final touches but nothing that would need a significant loan.
If you do decide to give her the money, make it a loan. Talk to your SO and come up with a contract that your sister would have to sign. Make sure to include a time frame for when it needs to be paid back by, a penalty for late payment, and if installments are okay. And make the penalty an actual penalty.
A contract is fair and makes it so she has to pay you back.
Let’s make this clear; it would not be alone it would be a gift. You would never see an a penny of it back. If you are OK, with that, then go ahead and do it.
Don't loan it to her she isn't gonna pay you back
If you are ok giving it to her aka loaning it but accepting that you will never see that money again go on ahead
But I really wouldn't
NTA mate, family should help family out! Yeah right, she should have been there for your wedding instead of going to a work thing. I believe if you loan her the money you won’t get it back, but if you say to her, you’ll only loan the money if she signs a contract saying she’ll pay you back, she’ll show her true colours if she refuses, and it will prove to you, that she doesn’t value you as family, and your just an ATM for her to use,
No one should be taking out loans (from a bank or family/friends) for a wedding.
“Hey let’s prove our love by starting our marriage with a big hunk of debt”
NTA
She should take out a personal loan with a bank. If she tells you her credit is screwed up, then that should tell you not to loan her the money as you'll never see the money again. Forget the fact she didn't attend. This is more about her assuming you'd automatically give her the money and pushing the issue.
NTA
NTA - the more money you spend on a wedding the less likely it is to succeed. Especially if you are spending somoene elses money.
Let them marry for love and not for a big wedding. You would be doing them a favor.
Borrowing money to have a wedding is a bad move. An even worse move is loaning money to anyone whose finances are too limited to hold a one-time event like a wedding.
Any reasons you have for not loaning her the money are legitimate, including her lack of attendance at your own wedding. This would be a bad loan all around.
Hold firm and hang onto your money.
If they make the mistake of borrowing money to have a wedding they cannot afford, that's on them.
NTA.
NTA. Additionally, never consider loaning money to cover wedding expenses. You can gift it if you wish. If your sister is asking for a loan for a wedding, it is likely she is bad at budgeting and will end up spending way beyond her means.
NTA your sister is using you for money that she probably won’t pay back. I wouldn’t fund her wedding. She thought so little of you and your wife she ditched yours. Don’t do it
For goodness sake why the hell do these people keep getting married and planning these lavish ass ceremonies when they don't even have the money to do so🙄If she can't afford it, they have no business getting married in the first place. And if they need to get married that bad, it's as simple as going to the clerks office and doing so. No ceremony that will cost a shit ton of money they don't have. So not you're NTA. Regardless of her not showing up to your wedding, I still wouldn't loan or give money because having more than a courthouse wedding isn't a necessity. It's a WANT.
you should tell her if the work event she missed your wedding for was so important, she should be getting paid enough to fund her own wedding. NTA and i agree with other commenters that you'd never see the "loan" again. fair weather family members have some nerve.
She chose work over her sisters wedding. Now that she NEEDS something, she can't even pretend she cares that she hurt you and is insinuating that you're being petty by holding a grudge. Not only will you not see that money again, she won't be greatful for your assistance. NTA
NTA. Your wife is 100% right. You are better off taking that money and buying scratch off lottery tickets, if you want to gamble away money. At least that way you have a better chance of getting some money back.
NTA. Sister should have organised the wedding she could afford, not the wedding she wanted. Nobody should expect anybody else (other than perhaps their parents) to help finance their wedding. Funny how people treat family members poorly until they need them and then try to walk all over them on the grounds that "we're family". Which is worse - being (justifiably) harsh, or being a doormat to be used and abused?
NTA She can’t afford her wedding then that’s on her. You know you will NEVER see that money again and if you dare ask for it back more than once then expect ‘We’Re fAMilY’ and to be called out for that too.
NTA. Seeing a lot of these posts lately where all kinds of family members or even friends are being asked or even expected to help finance weddings and it’s absolutely ridiculous. Look at your finances and come up with a budget that you can afford. If it’s not what you want then either wait to get married and save up or simply lower your expectations. Your sister needs to learn some financial responsibility and that’s on top of her missing your wedding.
Op, presumably she has family other than you as does her intended. She is probably asking you because she won’t feel obligated to you. It is also last minute which suggests dome impulsive want vs a need.
Isn’t it amusing how often people who mention someone holding a grudge let themselves off the hook. You are supposed to support family but she felt no such obligation about your wedding.
She needs to have a hard line drawn by you now and for the future; one where you do not apologize for saying no; just as she doesn’t apologize.
You need to get comfortable with transactional relationship when dealing with her brand of family. May simplify the complicated relationship you speak of by just saying no often.
DONT lend your sister the money. If you feel your arm being twisted and you have no choice but to lend her money then you’ll need to draw up a contract just in case she refuses to pay you back then you can take her to court.
If you do decide to or let yourself be pressured into doing so, please see if there’s a legal contract or something you can make her sign, saying she has to pay you back. If she acts offended and refuses to sign, then she definitely doesn’t intend to pay you back. Make wise choices.
If you can't afford the wedding, you can't afford the wedding. Unexpected costs? I saw this new, cool thing on Insta and now have to have it. Or I already got it but I used the catering money for it. Don' do it.
It seems like you are not 100% sure that you will receive the money back.
The famous quote "family should help each other" is a huge red flag to me.
Missing the wedding of your sibling is not acceptable, in my opinion. If "family comes first" she should attend your wedding.
NTA period. If you lend someone money, it is totally up to you to decide.
Hope this helps and anyway congratulations to your sister on her wedding.
No matter what, live a happy life. 😊
NTA. She didn’t even attend your wedding but now wants you to borrow money for hers? Nope, Nope, Nope! She should have planned a wedding for she could afford.
Never loan money to anyone, family or friend. You’ll never get it back and it’ll burn bridges. Only GIVE money as you see fit. It’ll make you a happier person in the end.
NTA
my sister always gives me money/expensive gifts, and I don’t have enough to give it to her in the same proportion (she knows this, it’s not a loan), but I always try and do my best with acts of service, meaningful presents and overall love, really
she never gives me things expecting to get it back, but because I genuinely care for her, and she’s my best friend, I always try in the ways I can, regardless
are you prepared to not get your money back? does your sister show she cares for you in other ways despite what she did? was she sorry for missing your wedding?
NTA, even without considering that she didn’t come to your wedding, never loan money to family. If you can afford to gift it and you want to, that’s fine (although I don’t think you should). But don’t loan. It will create nothing but more conflict and resentment.
If she doesn't know the exact details of your financial situation just lie and say you had an unexpected household expense and you don't have any extra money you would feel comfortable lending. White lie.
Tell her that she'll need to keep doing work events to pay for the wedding. Pay attention to your reluctance to "lend" but actually give her the money. She can scale back her wedding.
NTA
She can take out a loan, or save before the big day, but she should budget a wedding within her means. So many people waste huge amounts of money they don't have on 1 day.
Besides that, she won't pay it back so instead of loaning her money, make a big show of "Gifting" her money. Like 500$ or something substantial enough based on your economics. So you gift her in advance a decently large gift instead of a loan for a ridiculous amount and she can't shame you because you helped out publicly (in front of family) and in advance.
NTA - I feel that if you cannot afford the wedding you want then you need to wait till you can or downsize your wedding.
Your sister failure to plan/budget properly is not your emergency, or not your monkeys not your circus.
Also, your sisters comment that family should help each other out appears to only apply to her. She should've been there to support you, I am sure her work would not have had an issue with her not going to the "work event" because of her brothers wedding.
If you lend your sister the money, make sure you have her sign a legally binding contract otherwise you will never see that money again. They aren’t even married and are asking for a large sum of money. They won’t be able to pay you back because of the honey moon, then it will be because they want a house, then they’re having a baby. Soon it will be decades and you’ll probably feel it just isn’t worth the hassle
NTA
Is it a loan? Or is it family being there for family loan?
Yeaaaaaaah, I wouldn't do it. Least not without an actual legal document curtailing monthly installments and the works. And if she says "But family..." you can respond, "Yes, but this is a loan and it's not about family. If it was about family, I'm deeply hurt about the way you treated yours. But, I can put that aside and offer you a loan, but a loan comes with a contract. Your choice."
NTA
NTA at all.
First of was very rude not to come to your wedding. As a first in line family you will always get a day off to go to weddings, especially while it's not something that is asked just a few weeks beforehand.
Second, she has to get her shit together with her bf. Everyone knows that a wedding CAN be expensive. So when you plan to marry, you make a complete list with necessary and unnecessary things that you can ad.
It's ridiculous that she is getting mad at you for not giving her a loan, I would just shit my pants if she asks me.
I suggest you tell her you can't be at her wedding, because of work. That saves her some money as well.
NTA. Just tell her that you are not able to afford it unfortunately. That’s it, you don’t need to give her long excuses or whether you have the money or not.
NTA, if she needs to borrow a significant amount of money for her wedding, it means she is spending above and beyond her means. She needs to know what to cut back and not be entitled to other people's money. Why on earth do people plan for extravagant weddings when they cannot even afford it!?
You wouldn't be lending you would be giving. Are you prepared to give her the money without expecting return payment? After her previous behavior us she worth the influx if cash?
What I don't see in your post is her making your wedding special even if she couldn't be there. A gift with meaning, a letter, a dinner after to celebrate. If she did nothing, NTA
I wouldn’t, but if you do decide to “loan” it to her, get a written and signed agreement on how it will be paid back. I’m willing to bet they’ll balk at that and play the “but we’re faaaaammmmmmmiiilllyyyy” card (imagine that in an extra whiny voice) and expect it to suddenly become a wedding gift - until the day they realize you didn’t get them a separate gift.
Also, ‘unexpected’ wedding expenses often mean either they didn’t budget their own money or found something they ‘just have to have to make the day perfect’ regardless of whether they have the money. If either of those are the basis of her sudden need for money, you’re setting a dangerous precedent. Weddings are great but if a couple has to “borrow” money to pay for it, how are they going to pay for essentials like rent, food, etc? If they can’t afford the wedding they want, they need to either cut some costs or push the date back so they have more time to save.
Good luck! Best wishes! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
NTA. don't loan it, boggles me that people try to fiance wedding they can't afford by borrowing from friends or/and relatives. My philosophy is if you need a loan go to the bank.
NTA. If you are gonna “lend” (aka give) her the money, don’t do it with expectations of being paid back or her giving two f’s if you need something from her in the future.
If it were me, I wouldn’t give her the $$. She should learn to spend within her means. If she can’t afford an elaborate wedding she should scale it down to what she can afford.
Oh, HELL NO! Do not “loan” her money for a wedding you shouldn’t even go to! She is guilting you and you don’t owe her anything. Tell her to cut her budget.Tell your “friends” who think you’re being harsh to loan her the money.
If you're not close enough for her to skip a work event for your wedding, you're not close enough to loan each other money, imo. She doesn't want to put effort into the relationship but comes calling when she needs something. It's gross, selfish and manipulative. Keep your money, nta
NTA - You are conflicted because you are a good person and well I hate to say it but a bit of a push over.
It's clear that your sister is a selfish narcissistic person. She is using "family" as her reason you should help. But for some reason that didn't factor in when it was your wedding.
You should absolutely not give her the money. Furthermore you should ask your friends how they would justify you doing so. Because they don't sound very supportive to me.
Anyone who thinks that your sister skipping your wedding for some forgettable work function is okay has something wrong with them.
Personally your sister should be out in a time out until she comes to you with a sincere and heart felt apology and not with her hand out.
NTA you should probably go see a therapist to see why you feel so mad at her for not going to your wedding your choice to loan her the money you said she is not good with money do you know her fiancé you can talk to him
She’s not entitled to your money, However, if you decide that you were going to loan her any money, make sure and write a contract for payment. How much payment how often.
Good luck
You don't borrow or ask for gifted money for an event or thing you can't afford on your own
If you're *over twelve*.
Weddings especially. If you can't afford it, you CAN'T AFFORD IT.
“Family should help each other.”
Yet another example of people not behaving like family, then playing the family card when they want something from a family member.
IF you make the mistake of lending Sis money, get a contract in writing, and make the husband sign it, too. Not that it will do much good; if he had money Sis wouldn’t be begging money off of you.
you will never see it again...i wouldn't
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She will treat it as your "wedding gift". She already thinks your relationship is disposable if she missed your wedding for a paltry work event. Please do yourself a favor and go on a nice outing on her wedding,
No she won't, she will expect a gift too. A work event planned that far ahead that she couldn't get cover at all, really? Assuming you didn't arrange your wedding in a month, I find that difficult to believe.
It is not OPs responsibility to cover the gap in sisters poorly planned wedding. She should have had a budget and stuck to it. Now it looks like she will have to scale back and choose what is really important to her.
Like the rest of us.
Depends on the event - conferences are often planned a year or more in advance, and can make or break promotions. I'm not saying that OP should fund her wedding, though. If she'd wanted to prioritize his wedding, she could have. She didn't, and there are consequences for that.
Unless sister just used a work event as an excuse. Also what work event outside of proper working hours would be more of a priority than your sisters wedding? Lol
Nah, she's still going expect an actual gift on top of whatever money she's asking for.
This! When, not if, you do make sure to post a lot of pictures online. No joking, a lot of pictures. Maybe spread out over multiple days.
she couldnt even reschedule a work event to attend your wedding, what a pity you havent the time to go to the bank for her benefit
I fell for this helped my sister (whom hates me and always has) but to shut my mom and brothers up (family treats me as their personal atm) I loaned her close to 3500 for deposits under the agreement that it was a laon until her paycheck...then it was until a settlement check... then until after the wedding...then until after the honeymoon...then, then, then Until a family dinner with exteded relatives and inlaws from all over my mom made a toast thanking me for the genrous "WEDDING GIFT" to my c-bag sister 🤦🏼♀️ I privately told my sister i needed that money and then came all the denial it was a loan blah blah i had to just write it off. I have loaned NO ONE money since that was almost 20 years ago
Never loan money to family that you are not willing to lose.
Or file a cancelation of debt 1099c so they get the tax hit. I may not have gotten paid back, but they git consequences
You're petty. I like petty.
As a tax lawyer who deals heavily in debt cancellation income, I approve of this method.
Exactly. I loaned $10k to a family member to help them buy a house, with a promissory note, knowing that I would be ok if they didn't pay it back. Over several years (later than promised), they paid back most, but not all of it (~$8k). That was okay, but since then they have received no gifts of any kind from me: I gave them their gifts in advance. No hard feelings on either side.
Also never loan more money to family who never paid you back.
that's a given
Perhaps. But that doesn't stop them from asking or guilt tripping because they're "family"
not in my case, but yes it happens very frequently on Reddit
I’m apparently the only one who is paying back a family loan. Although a bit of a different situation took out a second mortgage through my parents to pay off a car. Would have paid in cash but at the time interest rates were low. Parents were going to put money in long term cds. They loaned it to me made a higher interest rate then the cds, I didn’t have to pay any fees like a mortgage through a bank, I could write off the interest. Returns on stock market were significantly higher then interest rate. Everyone wins.
A 100 x this.
Never loan money to anyone unless you have a written agreement for repayment. Even then, I still wouldn't loan money. But, at a minimum, you need to have written and signed agreement about the terms of the loan.
> Never loan money to family that you are not willing to lose. This, always this. Any loan to a family or friend must be thought of as a gift because that is how they, the recipient, will view it.
You are a better person than me. I would have told everybody right then and there: "Oh, is that what she told you, Mom? That was a LOAN. Not a gift. And she has been promising me to repay it for a year now, asking me to wait until her next paycheck comes in and such.Sister, I am surprised at you. Why would you lie to Mom?"
Really, Mum, the toast rack isn't a big deal. Oh, you mean the loan that's to be repaid?
I would have called them out right there in front of everyone
Her inlaws are pretty well connected in a very niche industry that my husband works in they are twempramental vindictive boomers ao i held my tongue for my hubs sake.
Omg! $3500 in 20 years ago dollars?!
Yeah, the trailer park queen needed a over the top breakfast at Tiffany's black tie wedding because every teenage mom needs such a production when she marries a bus boy 🤦🏼♀️
I gotta ask: Are they still married?
I dont know for sure but im assuming yes, he wants to NOT live up to his wealthy parents life style so he still has his highschool job as a bus boy, shes always nouncing between jobs and has had a few afairs on bim, dont know if he knows or if hes just now addictednto the rush of being white trash and all the drama that goes along with it. They survive by his family continually subsidizing their living expenses, which they are happy.tp do to have access to the grandkids
If I were you I would have cleared in front of relatives that it was loan and I expect payment back. Would have blocked mom and brother. And would have urged every relative to call sister and ask for repayment.
Shes the goldenchild.... I did eventually block my family but that was after my mom hired a hitman to kill my dad so she didnt have to divorce and could date some new guy, and my siblings justified it because dad didnt want to live the high life running around the globe with my c-bag mom at the age of 82 ... My family is a hot mess we have tv show episodes about us and an abc afterschool special...and i wish i was joking when i say that
Ooohhhh which ones?
That's awful. How long ago was this?
This
I loaned my sister money for a schooling and she denies I even lent it! I actually had it written down but lost the diary it was in. My mum witnessed it and says she forgot and it may have not even happened. 3000 GBP... My brother still owes 2k... Never again.
All my life my mother used to say "a borrower nor a lender be" . . .
>She argued that her situation was different and that family should help each other out when in need. Your sister does not **need** your money. She has wants and no doubt (gag) dreams for her picture perfect, fairy tale wedding. Needs are food, clothing, shelter, and even help with health care. IMO, you'd be a fool to "lend" her any money for her fantasy wants. And of course, others are right that she'd double down and claim you gave it as a wedding present. She might even come back for more. This actually has little do with her not making you enough of a family priority to attend your wedding, though I certainly understand your upset. It has to do with your sister believing she's entitled to your money. She is not. NTA
This exactly. Precisely what I said.
If you do, have documentation it is a loan and needs to be paid back
My brother needed to borrow some money I put the money in a savings account and made him get the loan through the bank. If he defaulted I would be out the money but his credit would be in the toilet. I figured it was incentive for him to pay the money back. Otherwise it would at some point be considered a gift and I would never see it again.
That is genius!
With interest.
NTA. You're an adult and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You really didn't need to give her a reason why. After all no is a complete sentence. She doesn't have enough money, there's this thing called a budget, and it tells you exactly how much you can spend. /s You "lend" her that money, you'll never see it again. She'll probably be like oh I thought it was a gift, or tell you you're being petty again.
Listen to your gut. Your instincts are spot on and showing you which fork in the road you should take. NTA ETA: why is there never any talk about scaling back the wedding? If you can’t afford it, maybe you just don’t buy it.
Don’t mix money and family.
I definitely would not lend her a dime towards her wedding even if she attended yours. If she cannot afford the wedding she wants, then she needs to scale it down and have the wedding she can afford. I’ve never understood people who go into debt or beg and borrow from family to pay for a wedding.
All the people saying you’re too harsh can open their wallets.
That is the correct answer.
Definitely don't do it. If it were the other way around she wouldn't do it. You don't mention if you're even invited to her wedding. Please do not lend her any money. You won't get any thanks for it and she'll never pay you back.
NTA. I'm guessing you didn't spring your wedding date on your sister last minute, like it's Monday & "hey, I'm getting on Friday at noon. You can make it right?" If they can't afford the added expenses, maybe they need to reevaluate what they really want at their wedding. It's not on anyone, but the wedding couple, to pay for the wedding. You didn't offer & that's a selfish asshole move to expect it.
Seems like she only plays the family card when it benefits her.
This is the way
NTA. Some wise old self made man once said never "lend" any amount of money that you can't afford, to not be repaid. That advice has served me well for over 40 years!
NTA. Why should you put family first for her when she didn't for you? She literally put work first. The opposite of what she's telling you to do. Why shouldn't you hold a grudge and hurt feelings over that? Plus, you'll never see that money again. No. Don't reward crappy behavior, hypocrisy, and entitled AHs.
This. I'm so sick of people telling people they are being petty and holding a grudge when a person asserts appropriate boundaries or valid feelings. Don't loan the money. Sis needs to figure out how to budget appropriatly and live with in her means.
Sometimes “holding a grudge” means “That hurt. That still hurts. You’ve never properly made amends, and you’ve never truly acknowledge what you did. And if you tell me to move on, it’s because you don’t care that it hurt and you don’t ever plan on making amends or even acknowledging it”. If she’s got some unexpected expenses, she can take an unexpected loan out. NTA
Beautifully said!
And if she prioritized work during his wedding, you’d think she’d be getting paid nicely! Either her work isn’t that important or she’s underpaid if she needs a loan now. Why isn’t she asking your parents? NTA.
Okay so i might be giving her too much credit but wouldn't being underpaid and working a rough job explain both not being able to miss work and needing to loan the money? Like idk maybe she just can't afford to lose her job even if it means missing the wedding? Again maybe i'm giving her too much credit but the current work market seems to be pretty awful all over the world
She will give repaying your load less of a priority than attending your wedding. NTA
Tell her if she wanted to experience a wedding paid for by your money, she should’ve come to yours.
That’s the proper snarky response.
🔥🔥🔥
NTA. She didn’t prioritize your wedding even minimally, but expects you to pull out the stops for hers. Tell her if she wanted to experience a wedding paid for by your money, she should’ve come to yours.
NTA. I wouldn’t lend her any money. It’s NOT “an urgent need”. It’s a wedding. Like the wedding you had that she couldn’t be bothered to attend because she had a work thing. How is her situation different? How did she show/give you support when you got married? This isn’t holding a grudge. You’re not prioritizing her wedding in YOUR life, like she didn’t prioritize yours. I agree with your wife. The friends telling you to “let it go” probably spout that “be the bigger person” and “keep the peace“ crap. All that does is guilt the person who was wronged to allow themselves to keep being wronged and taken advantage of. You do not OWE it to your sister to fund her wedding.
NTA Isn't it rich when someone prioritizes themselves over being their for a close family member, but then uses the whole "family needs to help eachother out when in need" when they want your support? The thing is that you didn't need her money. You needed your sister to be there to support you and see you get married, and she used work as an excuse. I'm sorry I have 2 brothers I'm super close to and unless my not being at work would result in a death or bomb going off, there's no where else I'd be than at my brothers wedding. Let's be real, she didn't want to be there. You got married before her. More rivalry. She is likely now planning a wedding that she hopes will be better than yours, and wants you to pay for it. There are no unexpected wedding expenses that require a significant loan within a few months of the wedding, my guess is that she put deposits down on expensive places and she has to pay up. When I got married, my parents paid for some and we had to pay the rest and of course there were things i wanted to have but i couldn't afford. So i didnt have them. She could take out a loan herself, but it's likely she has no intention of paying it back.
If she pulled out the "But family!" card, then you can rest assured you will never see that money again.
If you ever find yourself uttering a variation of these phrases 'You have no sense of humor. You can't take a joke' 'That was in the past. You should let it go, and stop holding onto grudges' 'I have no filter, I tell it like it is. I keep it real' Then you are an AH. Your sister wants to be petty, but then not let anyone be petty back to her. Also, be aware that a new couple starting out on the life together, asking for a loan from family are asking for a monetary gift. The will not pay you back, and when you ask for it, they will accuse you of being greedy and not being considerate of their challenges.
NTA people should not be borrowing money for a wedding. It shows terrible priorities and does not show that they are financially responsible. Unless repayment terms were in a written contract, she is a high default risk. Personally, I think she needs to grow up, live within her means, and downsize the wedding. Also, I would bet that you’re not the only person she’s asked for money, everyone else probably gave a token amount or said no. I’d 100% want to know who else has been asked and how much she’s begged from others. If you are inclined to do so, give her a monetary gift you are comfortable giving and it’s an early wedding gift. You could be petty and have her sign something acknowledging it’s an early wedding gift bc honestly she sounds super unreliable.
You should only lend money to family and friends if deep down your ok with not getting it back. Nothing destroys relationships like money.
Do you have any guarantee that she would pay you back? Also what is her job that she couldn’t get off for your wedding? How much advance notice did have for your wedding? I think all of these things play into your decision.
NTA. She needs to scale back or push off the date. Nobody should go in debt for a wedding and I'm betting she wouldn't pay you back.
It would end up being a wedding gift and not a loan. I would say NTA, she showed no compassion and support for you during your wedding but now expects financial support for hers?
THE AUDACITY 😠
She couldn’t come because a work event. Well, at least you know where her priorities lie. I would not lend her anything because I don’t think you’ll get it back. She seems the type to claim you said that’s her wedding present. NTA
NTA You are holding a grudge but you're not being too harsh. You requested her support and she refused, she requested your support and you refused. She now has acknowledge that she hurt you. It sounds like that's hard for her to do.
Please just don’t give her that money. You are worth more than being an ATM for someone who couldn’t give you their time of day. I’m so sorry to be such an ass about this, just saying you’ll actually feel worse after giving her what she wants (money) when you realize she’ll never give you what you really want: her love. It’s not you, she’s just not someone capable of giving.
Listen as a sister, I can say there would be very few things that would cause me to miss my brothers wedding. What kind of "work event" was this? NTA..don't give her a dime, you will never see it again. IF you decide to loan her some then get a lawyer to draft up a contract regarding paying it back
NTA, I will repeat a well used mantra. Your sister needs to have the wedding she can afford. Lending her money to begin a marriage is bad business for you both. Please do not tie it into her not coming to yours any more. You are acting on an emotional response that will trigger in a full breakdown of your relationship. It is not your problem if she made bigger plans than she can afford. You can choose to give her a monetary gift for her wedding or toward a honeymoon. It enough to fund her gap though. What you and your spouse can afford to give without hurting your household.
NTA but it has nothing to do with your sister missing your wedding. It’s that loaning money for a wedding is a bad idea. A wedding that requires debt is a wedding those people cannot afford. If they can’t afford it now, how are they planning to afford to pay you back? (The answer is, of course, that they have no intention of repaying).
this!
Depends on the work event. If it would have gotten her fired, then maybe I could see it, depending on how many months in advance she was told about the wedding. If she knew a year out, hell no. If she knew only a couple months out and it's a required event, one of those "either you're in the hospital in surgery or you are there or else" and she has a high-paying job that isn't easy to replace, then I could see it not being something she could go around. Generally, as weddings are announced way way way in advance, (ours was an exception)? I doubt she has an excuse. If you choose to loan her money, meet at the bank, get it notarized, the works. Make it official. Have her set up an automatic withdrawal-and-deposit from her account into yours each month starting a month after the wedding. Charge interest. Point out that if she took a loan out from the bank, it would cost the same but it would also improve her credit score. Have your parents co-sign a loan if you can get them to. Make it so that you CAN collect, period, afterwards, and I hope it's doable for you!!! If she wants an unofficial loan she can pay back whenever, it's not happening.
NTA. Once she’s had her perfect day (partly on your dime) there is no urgency to repaying you back. Why is she having the wedding she wants if she can’t afford it? Getting money as a wedding gift is one thing to help offset your costs, but it’s another to get a “loan” from siblings that very very likely won’t get paid back as other life priorities that cost money will come up.
NTA. She wants a handout and only reached out when she needed something. Yes family help each other out but family should also be involved and active participants for big events/milestones like weddings.
Dont. Just love yourself.
Don’t. You will not get the money back. Let her go to a bank. Not your business not your money
Nta you'll never get the money back
Tell her that you would love to help, but your extra funds are tied up in a work event.
NTA. Even if she did go to your wedding you’re still not obligated to help pay for HER wedding. Sheesh people are nuts. Why would you have a wedding g if you can’t afford it 🙄
You could tell her that you will help her out by not.costing her the price of you and your wife's dinner at her wedding. She can consider it your gift to her for her wedding. See, saved her $300 right off the top! What a good brother. Pat yourself on the back.
You sound like you don’t actually believe she had to miss your wedding. So INFO : how inflexible was her work thing? Because ’come to my wedding and lose your job / get demoted / not be able to pay your bills / severely damage your career’ is obviously a huge ask and a petty thing to hold a grudge over. But ‘you could have taken off but you didn’t want to ask’ is obviously on the other side of a large work time off spectrum. You could just as well say her presence wasn’t important to *you* if you didn’t run the wedding date by her first before booking and make sure she could make it.
NTA. Your wife is right. DO NOT LOAN HER MONEY. You will never get it back. SHE WILL SAY IT WAS A WEDDING GIFT!
what kind of narcissim and delulu is going on in her head to think it's ok that she doesn't prioritize you but you should still give her money.
What's wrong with holding a grudge?
You don't mention the likelyhood of your sister actually repaying the loan. And, I think you are being both harsh and holding onto a grudge. That being said, NTA for not loaning money unless you want to. (Even if she had attended, loaning her money would still be your choice.)
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You for sure won't see it. This is going to be a gift, and you'll need to get another gift too. If you're willing to gift her the money, that's very generous. If you're expecting it back, you're in for a fight. She didn't even care enough to go to your wedding so she's not going to care about burning your relationship down over the money.
I hate the phrase "holding a grudge" because it implies that you are in the wrong. My family says this about me... I'm not holding a grudge....I am just DONE!!!! I then act accordingly.....so please don't let the connotation guilt you!!!!
Snap out of it. Listen to your wife (you married her for something) your sister needs to understand that actions have consequences. You really do not love a sibling if you cannot make some time to attend their wedding. Now she loves you because she needs money and only in her wedding family help each other. Really? Are you this dumb? This is not about the money as many here want to convince you. Money can be regained, even more if you are in a good financial position. This is about respect to you, your wife, your marriage, your family. This is about being reciprocal to what you received. If you believe your sister loves you, try to see if you get an invitation after you deny her the money. Let's see how much family means to her and how much she loves your new family (you and your wife). Let's see if she does not hold grudges. If this happens, update us.
Yes family helps family. Family also attends family big milestones
Info: What was the work event/how crucial was it to her career?
NTA. Let her know you had an urgent financial obligation pop up and you will need to spend some extra time working it off. Unfortunately this means you won't be able to loan her money OR attend her wedding. Then take your wife on a 2nd honeymoon.
Unexpected Wedding expenses = poor planning + overspending. They need to stay within their means or postpone until they can afford what they want. Presumably they have been engaged for a while and did not save for themselves during that time period. If you do decide to “loan” her money you can kiss that money goodbye. There will always be something more important than paying you back. Additionally, all you asked her to do was to show up for you but she couldn’t be bothered but she wants (wants not needs) something suddenly you are family who should be there for each other and open your wallet. This isn’t a medical emergency, it’s a party. NTA.
Have you ever noticed that it's always the person doing the begging who uses the "family helps family" card?
NEVER lend family money. It will only lead to conflict.
I would not loan her any however if you do, have her sign paperwork on repayments. Family is one thing money is another. Remove the emotion and make it business
NTA a sister that refuses to attend your wedding then hits you up for money for hers is an entitled lowlife. Isn't it funny how "family" didn't matter one iota when you married but now she's short of funds you are again suddenly "family"? Don't fall for it, moochers & freeloaders pull this crap all the time - stay your course & suggest she make better choices with others as she FAFO'd you.
No way, no chance. Don't do it. And don't feel bad
You absolutely should ... tell your friends to pony up the money for her money. NTA
Don’t do it. I don’t understand all these post of siblings asking siblings for money for their wedding. I would never dream of asking mine. Parents ya siblings no. U can’t afford it you don’t have it simple
Wow the audacity of this situation is awful. The sister missed her brothers wedding for a work event! Did the OP even confront her or was it all passive aggressive? Honestly it was so cheeky of her to ask!
NTA. If she needs to borrow a significant amount of money for a wedding then she is spending far too much on it and she won’t be able to pay it back.
NTA if she needs a loan she's being extravagant, and to think she can ask when she wouldn't make an effort to come to yours is obnoxious.
She lost me at "unexpected wedding expenses" because every wedding I've been involved in was carefully planned to be within their budget and would not have had any large unexpected expenses. At most, a little extra because they planned based on an estimate that turned out to cost more with final touches but nothing that would need a significant loan.
If you do decide to give her the money, make it a loan. Talk to your SO and come up with a contract that your sister would have to sign. Make sure to include a time frame for when it needs to be paid back by, a penalty for late payment, and if installments are okay. And make the penalty an actual penalty. A contract is fair and makes it so she has to pay you back.
Let’s make this clear; it would not be alone it would be a gift. You would never see an a penny of it back. If you are OK, with that, then go ahead and do it.
Don't loan it to her she isn't gonna pay you back If you are ok giving it to her aka loaning it but accepting that you will never see that money again go on ahead But I really wouldn't
NTA. No one is required to pay for someone else’s wedding. “Unexpected wedding expenses” = Wanted fancy stuff outside budget
NTA mate, family should help family out! Yeah right, she should have been there for your wedding instead of going to a work thing. I believe if you loan her the money you won’t get it back, but if you say to her, you’ll only loan the money if she signs a contract saying she’ll pay you back, she’ll show her true colours if she refuses, and it will prove to you, that she doesn’t value you as family, and your just an ATM for her to use,
No one should be taking out loans (from a bank or family/friends) for a wedding. “Hey let’s prove our love by starting our marriage with a big hunk of debt” NTA
NTA, recommend a bank. Your sister probably won't pay you back because family.
She should take out a personal loan with a bank. If she tells you her credit is screwed up, then that should tell you not to loan her the money as you'll never see the money again. Forget the fact she didn't attend. This is more about her assuming you'd automatically give her the money and pushing the issue. NTA
Nta. Her workevent was more important then your wedding. I wouldn't want to help her
Not only would I NOT loan her a penny I would rsvp No.
NTA. Sister needs to have the wedding she can afford. You will never see any money you loan her again.
NTA. She doesn’t love or care about you. You are nothing but an atm to her.
NTA - the more money you spend on a wedding the less likely it is to succeed. Especially if you are spending somoene elses money. Let them marry for love and not for a big wedding. You would be doing them a favor.
Borrowing money to have a wedding is a bad move. An even worse move is loaning money to anyone whose finances are too limited to hold a one-time event like a wedding. Any reasons you have for not loaning her the money are legitimate, including her lack of attendance at your own wedding. This would be a bad loan all around. Hold firm and hang onto your money. If they make the mistake of borrowing money to have a wedding they cannot afford, that's on them. NTA.
Info needed (*if I missed it, my apologies*): Was her work event mandatory, like a traveling conference? Or just a work "party"?
NTA. Additionally, never consider loaning money to cover wedding expenses. You can gift it if you wish. If your sister is asking for a loan for a wedding, it is likely she is bad at budgeting and will end up spending way beyond her means.
NTA your sister is using you for money that she probably won’t pay back. I wouldn’t fund her wedding. She thought so little of you and your wife she ditched yours. Don’t do it
NTA. This isn't a loan. It's a gift. This will only cause more strife when they don't repay you. They can borrow from a bank.
For goodness sake why the hell do these people keep getting married and planning these lavish ass ceremonies when they don't even have the money to do so🙄If she can't afford it, they have no business getting married in the first place. And if they need to get married that bad, it's as simple as going to the clerks office and doing so. No ceremony that will cost a shit ton of money they don't have. So not you're NTA. Regardless of her not showing up to your wedding, I still wouldn't loan or give money because having more than a courthouse wedding isn't a necessity. It's a WANT.
you should tell her if the work event she missed your wedding for was so important, she should be getting paid enough to fund her own wedding. NTA and i agree with other commenters that you'd never see the "loan" again. fair weather family members have some nerve.
She chose work over her sisters wedding. Now that she NEEDS something, she can't even pretend she cares that she hurt you and is insinuating that you're being petty by holding a grudge. Not only will you not see that money again, she won't be greatful for your assistance. NTA
NTA. Your wife is 100% right. You are better off taking that money and buying scratch off lottery tickets, if you want to gamble away money. At least that way you have a better chance of getting some money back.
NTA. Sister should have organised the wedding she could afford, not the wedding she wanted. Nobody should expect anybody else (other than perhaps their parents) to help finance their wedding. Funny how people treat family members poorly until they need them and then try to walk all over them on the grounds that "we're family". Which is worse - being (justifiably) harsh, or being a doormat to be used and abused?
NTA She can’t afford her wedding then that’s on her. You know you will NEVER see that money again and if you dare ask for it back more than once then expect ‘We’Re fAMilY’ and to be called out for that too.
NTA. Seeing a lot of these posts lately where all kinds of family members or even friends are being asked or even expected to help finance weddings and it’s absolutely ridiculous. Look at your finances and come up with a budget that you can afford. If it’s not what you want then either wait to get married and save up or simply lower your expectations. Your sister needs to learn some financial responsibility and that’s on top of her missing your wedding.
Op, presumably she has family other than you as does her intended. She is probably asking you because she won’t feel obligated to you. It is also last minute which suggests dome impulsive want vs a need. Isn’t it amusing how often people who mention someone holding a grudge let themselves off the hook. You are supposed to support family but she felt no such obligation about your wedding. She needs to have a hard line drawn by you now and for the future; one where you do not apologize for saying no; just as she doesn’t apologize. You need to get comfortable with transactional relationship when dealing with her brand of family. May simplify the complicated relationship you speak of by just saying no often.
DONT lend your sister the money. If you feel your arm being twisted and you have no choice but to lend her money then you’ll need to draw up a contract just in case she refuses to pay you back then you can take her to court.
NTA No loans without collateral.
If you do decide to or let yourself be pressured into doing so, please see if there’s a legal contract or something you can make her sign, saying she has to pay you back. If she acts offended and refuses to sign, then she definitely doesn’t intend to pay you back. Make wise choices.
If you can't afford the wedding, you can't afford the wedding. Unexpected costs? I saw this new, cool thing on Insta and now have to have it. Or I already got it but I used the catering money for it. Don' do it.
It seems like you are not 100% sure that you will receive the money back. The famous quote "family should help each other" is a huge red flag to me. Missing the wedding of your sibling is not acceptable, in my opinion. If "family comes first" she should attend your wedding. NTA period. If you lend someone money, it is totally up to you to decide. Hope this helps and anyway congratulations to your sister on her wedding. No matter what, live a happy life. 😊
NTA. She didn’t even attend your wedding but now wants you to borrow money for hers? Nope, Nope, Nope! She should have planned a wedding for she could afford.
She just wants your money. NTA.
Never loan money to anyone, family or friend. You’ll never get it back and it’ll burn bridges. Only GIVE money as you see fit. It’ll make you a happier person in the end.
NTA, I would not lend so i'm with you on this one for sure.
You know good and well you're not getting that money back. Make your decision according to how much that matters to you.
NTA my sister always gives me money/expensive gifts, and I don’t have enough to give it to her in the same proportion (she knows this, it’s not a loan), but I always try and do my best with acts of service, meaningful presents and overall love, really she never gives me things expecting to get it back, but because I genuinely care for her, and she’s my best friend, I always try in the ways I can, regardless are you prepared to not get your money back? does your sister show she cares for you in other ways despite what she did? was she sorry for missing your wedding?
Fuck your friends and your Sister, never there when you need them, better without them in you life.
NTA, even without considering that she didn’t come to your wedding, never loan money to family. If you can afford to gift it and you want to, that’s fine (although I don’t think you should). But don’t loan. It will create nothing but more conflict and resentment.
If she doesn't know the exact details of your financial situation just lie and say you had an unexpected household expense and you don't have any extra money you would feel comfortable lending. White lie.
Tell her that she'll need to keep doing work events to pay for the wedding. Pay attention to your reluctance to "lend" but actually give her the money. She can scale back her wedding.
NTA
NTA She can take out a loan, or save before the big day, but she should budget a wedding within her means. So many people waste huge amounts of money they don't have on 1 day. Besides that, she won't pay it back so instead of loaning her money, make a big show of "Gifting" her money. Like 500$ or something substantial enough based on your economics. So you gift her in advance a decently large gift instead of a loan for a ridiculous amount and she can't shame you because you helped out publicly (in front of family) and in advance.
Don't give her a dime.
DO NOT!
Hell no!! NTA-it will miraculously turn into a wedding gift the day of the wedding. You will never ever see that money again.
Don't do it. She sounds self-absorbed and entitled. If you loan it you can expect years of sad excuses in lieu of payment.
NTA - I feel that if you cannot afford the wedding you want then you need to wait till you can or downsize your wedding. Your sister failure to plan/budget properly is not your emergency, or not your monkeys not your circus. Also, your sisters comment that family should help each other out appears to only apply to her. She should've been there to support you, I am sure her work would not have had an issue with her not going to the "work event" because of her brothers wedding.
NTA. You won't ever see the money again. Tell your sister no. Tell your friends they're welcome to give her the money themselves.
Don’t get married if you can afford it, period.
NTA only way I would ‘lend’ this money is with a written agreement that they will pay it back, that this loan is NOT a wedding gift.
If you lend your sister the money, make sure you have her sign a legally binding contract otherwise you will never see that money again. They aren’t even married and are asking for a large sum of money. They won’t be able to pay you back because of the honey moon, then it will be because they want a house, then they’re having a baby. Soon it will be decades and you’ll probably feel it just isn’t worth the hassle NTA
NTA - why is it when someone doesn’t even do bare minimum for their family, they are the 1st one to cry about how you should do for family.
Is it a loan? Or is it family being there for family loan? Yeaaaaaaah, I wouldn't do it. Least not without an actual legal document curtailing monthly installments and the works. And if she says "But family..." you can respond, "Yes, but this is a loan and it's not about family. If it was about family, I'm deeply hurt about the way you treated yours. But, I can put that aside and offer you a loan, but a loan comes with a contract. Your choice." NTA
NTA at all. First of was very rude not to come to your wedding. As a first in line family you will always get a day off to go to weddings, especially while it's not something that is asked just a few weeks beforehand. Second, she has to get her shit together with her bf. Everyone knows that a wedding CAN be expensive. So when you plan to marry, you make a complete list with necessary and unnecessary things that you can ad. It's ridiculous that she is getting mad at you for not giving her a loan, I would just shit my pants if she asks me. I suggest you tell her you can't be at her wedding, because of work. That saves her some money as well.
NTA. Just tell her that you are not able to afford it unfortunately. That’s it, you don’t need to give her long excuses or whether you have the money or not.
NTA - Why would you want to give money to someone who didn't even show up to yours?
NTA, if she needs to borrow a significant amount of money for her wedding, it means she is spending above and beyond her means. She needs to know what to cut back and not be entitled to other people's money. Why on earth do people plan for extravagant weddings when they cannot even afford it!?
You wouldn't be lending you would be giving. Are you prepared to give her the money without expecting return payment? After her previous behavior us she worth the influx if cash?
What I don't see in your post is her making your wedding special even if she couldn't be there. A gift with meaning, a letter, a dinner after to celebrate. If she did nothing, NTA
I wouldn’t, but if you do decide to “loan” it to her, get a written and signed agreement on how it will be paid back. I’m willing to bet they’ll balk at that and play the “but we’re faaaaammmmmmmiiilllyyyy” card (imagine that in an extra whiny voice) and expect it to suddenly become a wedding gift - until the day they realize you didn’t get them a separate gift. Also, ‘unexpected’ wedding expenses often mean either they didn’t budget their own money or found something they ‘just have to have to make the day perfect’ regardless of whether they have the money. If either of those are the basis of her sudden need for money, you’re setting a dangerous precedent. Weddings are great but if a couple has to “borrow” money to pay for it, how are they going to pay for essentials like rent, food, etc? If they can’t afford the wedding they want, they need to either cut some costs or push the date back so they have more time to save. Good luck! Best wishes! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
Any money "loaned" to family should ALWAYS be considered a gift because you will never see it again. NTA
NTA. don't loan it, boggles me that people try to fiance wedding they can't afford by borrowing from friends or/and relatives. My philosophy is if you need a loan go to the bank.
NTA. If you are gonna “lend” (aka give) her the money, don’t do it with expectations of being paid back or her giving two f’s if you need something from her in the future. If it were me, I wouldn’t give her the $$. She should learn to spend within her means. If she can’t afford an elaborate wedding she should scale it down to what she can afford.
Oh, HELL NO! Do not “loan” her money for a wedding you shouldn’t even go to! She is guilting you and you don’t owe her anything. Tell her to cut her budget.Tell your “friends” who think you’re being harsh to loan her the money.
If you're not close enough for her to skip a work event for your wedding, you're not close enough to loan each other money, imo. She doesn't want to put effort into the relationship but comes calling when she needs something. It's gross, selfish and manipulative. Keep your money, nta
NTA - You are conflicted because you are a good person and well I hate to say it but a bit of a push over. It's clear that your sister is a selfish narcissistic person. She is using "family" as her reason you should help. But for some reason that didn't factor in when it was your wedding. You should absolutely not give her the money. Furthermore you should ask your friends how they would justify you doing so. Because they don't sound very supportive to me. Anyone who thinks that your sister skipping your wedding for some forgettable work function is okay has something wrong with them. Personally your sister should be out in a time out until she comes to you with a sincere and heart felt apology and not with her hand out.
NTA you should probably go see a therapist to see why you feel so mad at her for not going to your wedding your choice to loan her the money you said she is not good with money do you know her fiancé you can talk to him
She’s not entitled to your money, However, if you decide that you were going to loan her any money, make sure and write a contract for payment. How much payment how often. Good luck
Will you be ok to lose money especially to your sister who didn't prioritise your wedding. Just loan out through the bank. NTA
I wouldn’t, especially because your wife is against it. You need harmony with her before you need it with your sister.
You don't borrow or ask for gifted money for an event or thing you can't afford on your own If you're *over twelve*. Weddings especially. If you can't afford it, you CAN'T AFFORD IT.
“Family should help each other.” Yet another example of people not behaving like family, then playing the family card when they want something from a family member.
Nope don't do it, you will regret it
IF you make the mistake of lending Sis money, get a contract in writing, and make the husband sign it, too. Not that it will do much good; if he had money Sis wouldn’t be begging money off of you.
So, you're family when she needs money, but not when you are having one of your most important family events.
NTA This would not be a “loan”. Give her this money and you’ll never see it again
NTA She'll never pay you back, OP. Keep your wallet closed.
If she is adult enough to get engaged and plan a wedding, she’s old enough to pay for it. Don’t loan her anything.