That was my thought.....
"Since you're going to be busy babysitting your other grandchild during that time frame we will plan to come when you won't be stretched so thin. We know it can be exhausting having that many children in the home "
Your sister may be possessive of your mom and doesn’t want her to enjoy quality time with just you and your kids.
You need to tell your mom and your sister that it would be nice to see her and her child for visit or two while you are there, but you are not okay with him staying over, especially without her. It’s not fair to you or your kids.
If your mom insists that it’s her house and she wants your nephew there, then tell her you will make other plans for those days since it seems your nephew is more important than your kids. Remind her that she can see him any time and she’s making a choice to take away your kids quality time with her.
Eh I really disagree with this advice- it just makes OP as possessive.
It’s likely his sister is moreso an opportunist; kids at grandmas? Hers too!!
OP, don’t say you aren’t okay with it- it’s not your call to make in that way.
Don’t suggest she’s making it seem nephew is more important- that’s not actually the case.
What I think you can say, is this time is important to you because it’s a limited amount of time 1:1 with your family and grandma. That you want the kids and nephew to spend time together, but a whole 2 weeks changes the dynamic of the visit significantly.
Then just say, listen, why don’t we come up for 2 weeks. The kids can have time together and we can have that focused 1:1 time the week he isn’t visiting.
NTA. I would be annoyed as well. You have already brought it up and your mother pushed back. I get that she wants all three of her grandchildren together but it isn’t fair to place your nephew on your mom when she should be spending quality time with your family. For future reference maybe consider having your mother visit you from here on out or try to go on vacations and have your mother join. In the meantime go do activities with your family while you’re visiting and be occupied.
Great ideas here. Going someplace else with my mom will fix the “surprise nephew joining” (it’s the 2nd time this happens, last time was just a couple of days but it seems there is a pattern now…). I think I’ll also talk about it calmly with my mom and sis, maybe this is also miscommunication. At least now I will share my expectations
I would stay at a hotel or rental nearby to avoid being saddled with babysitting. Your mom is fine wity babysitting her grandkid bc she figures you'll help. Switch locations to avoid this and hopefully your mom can find some time to get away.
It's not a "miscommunication," it's a deliberate attempt by your sister to dump on you for free babysitting.
**Make it clear to your mom that on the days that your niece is at her house, you and your family won't be.**
Then either arrange for a hotel for the niece days and go out and do other things, or just shorten your visit.
If your mom is upset about not getting to see you much, then she will learn how to say "no" to your sister.
I get that you don't want to do this to your mom -- but you need to take a hard line here, or your sister will continue to trample all over your mom and you.
It's not a "miscommunication," it's a deliberate attempt by your sister to dump on you for free babysitting.
Nah, it's the mom 100%. She salivating about having all her grandkids at once. OP should definitely get her mom to her place next time but sister isn't the villain here.
I would look into staying else where for those 10 days. Seeing other friends and family while visiting then when the nephew goes home go stay with your mom. If mom asks why tell her she was busy those 10 days with your nephew so you took advantage of seeing extended family and friends and taking your family places you visited growing up.
She is but with your mom letting her get by with bad behavior there is nothing your u can do. It’s your moms house and you can’t tell your sister no only your mom can do that.
But by doing this your letting your mother know you will not visit if she is babysitting. If she wants to see your family then she will not volunteer to babysit.
There is nothing you can do about your sister but you can make a stand and let your mom know that she can’t have her cake and eat it too. That she can see your family or babysit.
It's a great alternative if you can't get your sister/mother to back off of the 10 day nephew visit. Other alternatives are to cancel, scale back, or reschedule the visit to avoid the 10 day babysitting period.
Try not to think of changing your plans as your sister "winning". Think instead of what would be the optimal and most enjoyable visit for you and your family.
Your sister is imposing, for whatever reason, but your Mother is *allowing* her to impose. Your Mom isn't without blame in all this, she could have easily pushed back on your sister and pointed out she was getting a rare visit from your family and wanted to be free to enjoy it.
If you can't change up your sister's modification to your vacation then you need to make an impact on your mother. Let Grandma miss some time with her seldom seen grandchildren so she has future motivation to decline your sister's future impositions. Your vacation is not for babysitting your nephew. So plan other visits and activities so you aren't pressed into service.
It’s your moms choice. It’s her choice you get to say at her house. It’s her choice your nephew gets to stay at her house.
If your mom does not believe she is being taken advantage of, if she’s happy to have another grandkid around there’s no problem for her. A lot of elderly grandparents would be super happy to be in your mom’s situation.
I could understand the annoyance of you and your partner getting stuck with unwanted babysitting, if that actually happens to any significant extent. ~~I also don’t know what your sister’s deal is and it doesn’t sound like you do either. I suspect she’s a single mom considering you didn’t once mention your nephew’s dad and being a single parent is extremely exhausting.~~
If your mom is ok with it, you have to accept it or change your vacation plans. Vacations are generally stressful anyways, seriously top 5 most stressful things you can do. Mind your stress levels and have a good attitude. I think your own attitude is going to make or break this vacation for you. If you chill, believe you will have a good time, you will have a good time. If you go with a bad attitude, it will go downhill from there.
NAH
Thanks for sharing your POV! You raised really good points here.
Just to add: my sister is not a single-mom and my BIL definitely helps. So honestly, it should all be quite manageable with some organization…
Yes change your plans a bit, if you can. Take your kids to a nearby kids museum without mom and nephew. Or cut your vacation short if you’re not getting great time with your mom. But tell her why you cut it short.
My assumption is that mom normally refuses having the nephew there full time when she's on her own, so now sis is using the argument that you will be there to help. I'd at least try to talk her down to the original 5 days.
Edit: Or maybe nephew loves his cousins and asked to stay there while they are there.
Don't like it tell her she's pants for doing what she's doing or pay for your mum to go see you make it a last min thing so sister can't lob her kid at either of you
When you aren't there, how often does your mom see/watch your nephew? If she is normally the main caretaker, you are out of order to think your 3 week visit means nephew's life gets disrupted for 3 weeks. If this never happens... Are you sure your mom didn't request herself to have nephew over? More background is needed.
My sister asks my mom for the occasional half-day babysitting (maybe a couple times a year), but never for a full 10 days. She could be visiting my mom a lot more, but for some reasons my sis/BIL are always busy with tons of stuff, friends, travels etc… That’s the part that annoys me: they COULD see my mom pretty much anytime in the year, but don’t make the effort. Why do these 10 days have to happen exactly during the couple of weeks when we are here? Feels like bad timing…
And no, it wasn’t my mom’s idea to have my nephew over. Definitely came from my sis, because it’s convenient for her (she works but daycare is closed, so alternatives were either summer camp or grandma)
I second those saying that you should change your plans so that you can't get stuck watching your nephew. Let your mom know why and that it is inconvenient.
It’s not any different from a normal daycare, except that one is closed during summer hols so alternative structures exist for summer (like summer camps, which could seriously be renamed summer daycare, at least in my country). The kids definitely go back home each evening. So yes, I would put my kid, once he’s 3yo, to such summer camp. Really no biggie
Right. I thought it was more like a 2 weeks away from mum and dad type thing. Yeah. Summer camp is acceptable to an extent. But maybe it would be good for the cousins to get to know each other.
I’m not understanding….if your mom and sister live close together and you don’t see your mom often, I’d assume you don’t see your sister or nephew often either? Maybe they just want a chance for their young children to spend time with their cousins. Dang.
I'm petty as hell but I'd reschedule or cancel that part or all of my trip. But that's just me. You're not going to enjoy those ten days so why bother?
Right! I'd stay home for those 10 days and take my kids to festivals and summer events in my own town, then go to Mom's for the remainder (or vice versa)
It’s so funny to see the responses here - you can tell which people are like the sister, that think what’s best for them is the most important thing and the heck with her sister. Some people legit think “letting other people spend time with their child” is a gift and have no shame in foisting off their kids or horning in on other time.
I’d reschedule. Just say “it sounds like you’ve committed to sister and nephew during this time so my family will come another less busy time for you when my kids can enjoy the one on one”.
Nta but honestly this is on your mom, she allows it essentially, basically go out with the kids and be honest with her to say hou wanted to have her with you and your kids but she is busy with nephew, to bad
Do you think she wants her kid to hang with their far away cousins so they have a good relationship? I mean, from the child’s perspective, he might want to be with gramma and his cousins.
It is your mom’s choice. If you don’t like it, stay at a hotel. Change your plans. And wouldn’t you want your kids and your sister’s kids to spend time together and get to know each other? And maybe your mom wants all her grandkids together. Your sister’s kid will be there 10 out of the 21 days you are there. Your kids will still have plenty of one on one time with their grandmother.
This is what I would do. Stay at a hotel, so you’re not responsible for babysitting. And/or cut the vacation to one week.
Frankly, I’d probably cancel. It’s not worth the aggravation.
You're not in the wrong for feeling frustrated by your sister's decision to have her child stay with your mother during your family's planned holiday together. It's understandable to want exclusive time with your mom, especially given how infrequently you get to see her. Your sister's lack of consideration in not consulting you about the extended stay and the impact on your family's time and your mother's availability is valid cause for annoyance. It might help to calmly communicate your feelings with both your sister and your mother to clarify expectations and ensure everyone respects each other's plans and boundaries moving forward.
Thanks for your reply. Yes, you’re right, a clear communication will prob help this situation not happening again. I’ll wait till I calm down to bring it up :)
Take your family out for a day trip and grandmother home with your sister child .During the stay, just hang with family. Tell your mother she needs to babysit, and you all will go out without them
It’s your mom’s choice, but it’s your choice whether to change or cancel plans. I’d suggest taking your kids elsewhere or at least staying elsewhere for the 2 weeks your nephew is there, but you know that will probably turn into all 3 weeks anyway. I can understand not wanting to help care for another young child when that’s not the vacation you planned.
Shorten your visit.
Your mom can make her own decisions as to who she wants to host. But you can decide how long the visit is based on those circumstances.
NTA
NTA for being annoyed. Your mother probably thinks it's ok because she gets to see all her grandchildren together. But if your mother is ok with it, there isn't much you can do about it. Have you tried telling her about how you feel?
I did try to raise the topic to my mother but she pushed back and said it will be great to have all grandkids together and that if needed she will hire a babysitter to help us. Yeah great, that doesn’t solve the topic of reduced one-on-one time with my own kids…
Expected. Unfortunately, how your mother chooses to spend her time with her grandchildren is beyond your control. Whether or not you watch your sister's children, however, is within your control. Some time with grandmother is better than none I guess.
Just tell her 'ok mom, we will cut our stay short and come back at a time when we can agree what will happen and who else will be visiting'
Don't give her the option to disregard your feelings.
She wants her grandkids to play with a babysitter helping out, more than she wants to see your grandkids. If that isn’t what you want, tell her why you want one-on-one time. Tell her that your kids barely know her, and that they won’t get to know her this way.
See this is so selfish. You're going to be there for three weeks. You can share your mother and let your kid get to have fun with their cousin. Come on now.
NTA. There's a pretty obvious reason that your sister still lives so close to mommy...so she can dump her kid any time she wants. My sister does that to my mom too and it's frustrating. I think you guys should stay in a hotel or go somewhere else for holiday instead of your mom's. Say you're disappointed that she doesn't have the time this time, but you'll come another time when she's more available. It sucks to uproot your whole plan here but you and your husband are going to spend 3 weeks frustrated by this and that really isn't a nice holiday. Oh, and by the way...during week 2 of your stay, you WILL find out your nephew week be there for week 3 as well, just a heads up.
NTA. Tell your mom how you feel about this and depending on her reaction or course correction here then I would suggest you either don’t go at all or cut your vacation short so you limit the shared days.
Nta
Tell your mom that she's obviously busy, And you're gonna cancel your vacation and rebook for another time when she's available...
If she doesn't get the message outright tell her that you are going there to visit *her*, not your nephew, and that your children only get to see her very rarely, so you would like for her to actually be able to spend time with your children not babysit your nephew
Cut the trip short and go see other stuff thats a hijacked event. Take your kids other places enjoy and just tell your mom this is a plan to see her your not interested in helping babysit and if she is then leave her home.
You might consider calling mom and just saying something along the lines of 'I'm thinking about changing our visit if that works for you. I'd like to visit when you aren't occupied taking care of a 3 year old, as I know that alone is exhausting, without adding all of us on top of that. We may have to cut short our visit - 2 weeks instead of 3 - since we already had that time approved, and now we'd have to work around co-worker schedules. Do you have a 3 week window that might work better for you, in case we can get the 3 weeks or fit 2 weeks in there?'
This tone comes across as less angry about sister trying to ruin your vacation, but also lets mom know you don't want nephew there for 10 days while you are.
NTA
Is it possible to shift your vacation 2 weeks either way? If you do and your sister moved the two weeks, it would prove she is intruding on your vacation time with your mom on purpose.
Why is she "needing" your mom to look after your nephew those specific 2 weeks? Obviously, it's upto your mom to say yes or no. Is it possible your mom is asking for the nephew to spend the time with her so she can have all three grandkids there at the same time?
Remind your mom that this is your vacation, and the point was to spend time with her. You are not traveling so far to babysit your nephew and will be doing vacation outings with your children. You will have enough to do tending to your own kids and will not be taking your nephew along.
In the future, either pay to have your mother visit you or find a way to keep the timing of your visit from your sister. Is it possible to talk to your BIL about this trend? It would be one thing to see your sisters family for a few days while you are there but just the nephew for most of it? Out of line.
I agree on all your points. I can’t shift the holidays unfortunately (work constraints), and talking to my BIL will not help: he just won’t understand the problem for me, as he comes from a HUGE family (when I say huge, it’s really huge. A small family meetup for them consists of minimum 30 peeps. Weddings are never under 250 attendees.). So the concept of 1-to-1 time with grandma is entirely foreign to him
Oh well, figured it would not be possible, but thought I would ask. I am confused on why your sister needs your mother to have her son for 10 days you are visiting. You mentioned that she and BIL are working. Don't they work all the time or do they only work 2 weeks a year? If they work all the time, who looks after him normally and why can't they look after him these specific 2 weeks?
2 yo and 3 yo will most likely play together. Maybe not extremly but they will. You will be fine. This is not your place to complain your mum agreed to it.
Nah as long as you wont go on tirade
NTA. Your sister is imposing babysitting duties on you. That is selfish of her. You cannot force your sister not to drop off her son if your mother agrees, but you can resist getting sucked in as free care. If you have the money for it, stay at a hotel or an AirBnb for part of your visit, and just come to your mother's house for a few hours in the afternoon each day. Or leave every morning for a few hours without your nephew, to tour interesting places in the area. Either way, make it clear that you are not available for babysitting. That way, your mother will get the message that if she gives in to your sister she is left with her grandchild and she loses time with you. Then next time she will make a better decision.
I would say NAH.
I'm in the same situation except I'm the sister who live close, my brother and sister bothnlive several hors away and only come in the summer and at Christmas. We all work and our mom take our kids during summer holidays when we work ans other grand parents are not available.
Sometimes our grandma "slot" are on the time and several kids are there together. My mom love to have her grandchildren and cousins love to see each other.
My brother and sister tried to make me not bring my kids on the same time as theirs but if I have no other solution, they'll still go.
I won't ask my kids to not go to their grandma who they love because I live close and can easily spend time over there during the year.
NTA. Find other things to do with your family on the days your nephew is there. Visit with other family or friends, day trips, exploring, whatever. Just do other things. If your mother complains then explain to her that you didn't come on vacation to watch your nephew and it's rather rude of your sister to impose her child on your mother for the little time you get to see each other. Alternatively, the next time you want to vacation with your mother choose a destination rather than her home. Nephew is not invited.
NTA
My MIL used to do this. She’d have my husband’s sister’s kids when my husband and I were there or our kids were there. My husband never got his parents on their own.
Your mother is the one saying yes. She doesn't have to.
You can't "impose" on other people without their permission.
Did you talk to your mom about this?
She's the one to blame.
Shorten your visit to the dates your nephew won't be present
If his dates suddenly move to coincide with your new dates, you'll need to call your sister on her bullshit & inability to take a hint
NTA. Canceling the trip and going somewhere else might be better. To make up for it, plan a staycation in the future and have your mom stay with you. If why comes up, tell your mother you don't want to impose when she's busy with her other responsibilities. And you want to plan something where she can spend time and bond with your kids.
NTA but I suggest you take your family somewhere else during that 5 days. Visiting a town nearby or sth. Tell your mom that since you have 2 younger kids, you don’t want to add more stress on her and will sacrifice some quality time for your sister.
I thought about this, but I feel that, by me leaving these 5 days, my sister is getting away with this, with her kid getting cared by grandma. It feels wrong to let her win :/
But the judge is your mom, she enables your sister and you’ll never win because your mom is already on her side. Honestly, I like one grandma more than the other, I cried for month after one died and was just ‘oh’ when the other one died. If your husband’s mom treat the kids more fairly then better spend more time with his family. You only need ppl who care for your kids, not always put your kids second. Your mom needs to come to her sense and say no to your sister.
NTA. Your sister is being manipulative. Ask your mom if she can say no to your sis. If not, then I think you should change your vacation to a time before or after your nephew’s visit.
NTA - On days nephew is there, take your kids and do things without them. If mom misses out on things, that's on her.
I get you want to see your mom, but mom is the problem here, not telling your sister to impose.
A good point indeed… ! I would miss my kid so terribly (and vice-versa for sure).
To my sister, the 2x30mn (back and forth) each morning and night probably sounds like a waste of time, understandably too. But a summer daycare exists next to my sister’s place, so she could also have used this solution
Honestly I cannot wrap my brain around having that option so close to home and choosing to drop him off for 10 days . I wish you luck, sounds like she is taken a vacation herself on your time.
"Oh, we didn't realize you'd have other obligations during our planned visit. Let's look at our calendars and pick some other dates when you'll be free to just relax and enjoy a visit with us without having to worry about babysitting."
I would cancel that vacation so fucking fast and tell your mom to let you know when she won't be babysitting for 2/3rd of your vacation and you can see her then.
NTA. Perhaps suggest rescheduling so you can spend quality time with your mom without her time being divided? Whether you mean it or not is up to you, but bring awareness that you want exclusive time with her.
NTA
It was absolutely on purpose. Your sister gets an extended date night and jealously intrudes on your private time with Mom. Are all families like this? It just feels so much like it.
Thank you! Yeah I also see it that way, and it feels a bit tricky now: either I complain but with the risk of creating a tense atmosphere, or I don’t say anything and my sister gets away with this. Family dynamics are complicated sometimes…
YTA. That is your mom´s home, who are you to dictate who gets to stay there? Also, you´d think the same way you are happy to see your mom, you´d be happy to spend time with nephew/let your children bond with their cousin. If you don´t like it, get a hotel.
YOU chose to live far away = you chose to reduce time and access to your mom. Deal with the consequences of your actions.
NTA i would make plans for you and your kids OR stay in a fun airbnb during the 10 days (or part of that). Its disappointing but your mom won't change her ways. So move accordingly
NAH If you want more time from your mom with your children have her come stay at your home for a week. When sister says she is sending her child along tell her no. You have plans made and paid for which don't include them.
Your sister is testing the boundaries so it would be useful to assert them. Tell them you are trying to change/move the vacation. This way, since your sister needs (big laugh) to drop the baby, your mom would not be overwhelmed with 3 kids, you would relax a little because you had a very hard year and gave birth only 5 months ago so it's not in your or your husband's plans to have an additional kid around for half of your stay, and your kids would have one to one time with grandma since that was the main purpose of the trip. If they will tell you about the cousins being together etc you agree but not this year because you are recovering and not for so long when they don't spend as much time with grandma as your nephew do
You're not wrong to being annoyed with your sister - but ultimately it's not your house and not your say.
If your mother is fine with it, that's her prerogative. You could choose to stay in a hotel or an airbnb instead of with your mother. Perhaps your mother thought it would be nice to have the cousins all together.
NAH. Your mother may have even suggested it to your sister; maybe she wanted to have all the grandkids together.
YTA-gotta be honest you come off as entitled and jealous. You moved away and you don't live there. Your choice. Why don't you take nephew out a couple of times and let mee-maw take your kids out. That way everyone gets one on one time? Sounds like your mom is looking forward to having all grandkids together, why would you want to take that from her?
Agreed, OP should speak up for themselves. It’s the only way to resolve things, otherwise people won’t know things bother you. Also idk what the usual baby sit routine is like for the mom. But if you don’t wanna care for a child say no and get a hotel or some shiz
Thanks for your honest reply!
While my sister and BIL work, my nephew could also have gone to a daytime summer camp on these days (it’s free in my country). I guess my sis assumed it could be nicer for him to be with his grandma though… Fair enough! But how about first checking what’s my impression on this too? She lives 30mn away but never really makes time to see our mum apart from asking for (free) babysitting. On the other hand, I myself live 8h away, so I cannot improvise a visit at my mother’s place anytime. Why does my sis have to choose the same time as when my kids and I are visiting …
The tension rose one level up when i found out it was not anymore 5 but 10 days. I felt my own opinion on this situation had been even more disregarded.
I agree that it might not have been super obvious to my sister and to my mom when they planned it together, so I’ll definitely share my feelings so we all do better next time.
But on my end, intuitively I would have never planned to let my kid(s) stay at my mom’s (or MIL’s) for 10 full days without checking that visitors who already planned their holidays are OK with this. Small kids are labor-intensive so it definitely impacts whoever is vacationning in that same household as well. Checking first just feels like basic courtesy to me
Perhaps it's time to change your plans and go on a 10 day vacation with your kids. You can tell your Mom and sister that you'll visit your Mom for the remaining vacation days when sister's LO won't be there so your kids can have their Grandmother's full attention.
Part of the fun of family visits growing up was playing with the cousins. And wrangling three isn’t really much different from two. I get what you’re saying, but you’re probably overthinking this one.
Go. Have fun. Love on your niece or nephew. Love on your parents. Enjoy your vacation.
Mom's the one being asked for her time in her home by both you and your sister. Your nephew is going to be there. He's family and he's welcome. You're obviously taking advantage of her, too, if you aren't staying in a hotel.
You're not an AH for feeling frustrated with a situation, but you sound resentful, so go somewhere else on holiday or happily accept the quality time with your nephew.
I don’t see how I am taking advantage of my mom: both my hubby and I are staying here, so we handle our own kids without needing much help per se. Our kids definitely spend a bit of fun time with grandma playing / asking for stories-reading, etc… but the whole feeding/clothing/bathing/nappy stuff is exclusively on the shoulders of my husband and I.
For my nephew though, my mother will need a lot of time each day to take care of all this - and it’s normal when caring for a 3 yo!
For what it’s worth, I was the grandkid that lived far away. Once every year or two I would get schlepped to another state to hang out with a grandma and grandpa I barely knew, in a house I didn’t feel comfortable in, to be “doted on”.
It was not that fun. And my cousins were always on vacation or had other plans. All I wanted was to hang out with other kids and get to know them. Even when they were younger and I had to “look after them” that was fun too because I’d never had “baby cousins” before who thought I was cool shit for being older.
Most fun I ever had on those trips were when one cousin was stuck in town for some reason and we hung out. Would have been even cooler if we’d *ever* have gotten to know each other before those few visits. I think I got to spend 1:1 time with each of them once. And one of them died the next year.
So, I mean, for YOU it sucks. For your kids, it might be fun. Don’t put your sibling issues ahead of your kids’ experiences.
But that is your mom's choice. Unless she expects you to be handling the kid.
Be glad that kids can enjoy some cousin time. These are the memories we cherish from childhood into adulthood. Today I am closer to the cousins I got to spend vacations with as a child.
Having 2 extra adults and 2 extra kids for 3 full weeks is a lot for people who don't have full time people in their house. So even if you take care of your kids yourself, it's still a huge imposition on your mother... and that your mother happily accepts... Like she accepts to take care of her other grandkid.
But having a bunch of kids crying, yelling, waking up in the middle of the night, etc. is extremely stressfull and you don't get to have your peace during that time. Trust me. I don't have kids, so when my sister and her kid come home, even for one day and even if I'm not responsible for my nephew, I'm exhausted. I can't imagine 3 whole weeks.
So stop downplaying it and accept that you are imposing yourself. Even if your mother is extremely happy to see you all, it's still an imposition on her. She is also allowed to agree to take care of her other grandkid as long as SHE wants, in her OWN home.
You seem extremely entitled and selfcentered. You chose to live away from your family and yet you make it everyone else's problem with your comments. I get that you want some quality time with your mother, it's normal. And it really seems like you will have a whole week of it. So why are you here complaining like a 13 years old teenager?
But you don’t know the configuration of the place. Actually, my mum wouldn’t hear my kids when they wake up because we stay in a small “guests flat” under her house, so the noise she hears from us is really limited. And again, both my husband and I handle 95% of our kids duties, so the burden is not at all on her. But ok, if you think I sound like a 13 yo teen, it’s your perception :)
NAH.
I can kind of understand your disappointment, but at the end of the day, it's really your mum's decision. She probably sees it as a plus that her grandkids get to enjoy time together at her place, and doesn't see it as detracting from your kids. I honestly think you just need to suck it up for this visit (although it's healthy to set up your own boundaries about how much nephew-sitting time you and your husband PERSONALLY are okay with, if any, because you're not the ones who agreed to babysitting). If you can, try to see it as a chance to bond with your nephew. Going forward, perhaps consider a trip with your mother and your family instead of a visit at her place, or sponsor a visit at your place for her, if it bothers you that much.
You’re NTA for feeling this way. I hope the nephew is reasonably well behaved. Could you adjust your days there for less overlap? If not, plan things to be out and about so you aren’t the extra babysitter.
In the future, take your mom somewhere else, or have her come visit you.
Thanks. My nephew is cute and quite well behaved (toddler tantrums aside but it’s normal for his age!). Just resenting my sister a bit for completely keeping me out of the decision of partly babysitting him for a whole 10 days. So yes, it’s a good advice to plan stuff out and leave nephew and grandma at home for some days
NTA. — I could see maybe 2/3 days but 10. I would not be the caregiver for the nephew.
Do you have other relatives you might like to visit? Spend some time with nephew but can you plan some day trips - might be hard with a 5 month old. Personally I’d be looking for a hotel for at 8 of those days. Do not babysit nephew if mom is busy. It’s her responsibility. Oh gee mom, I’m going to take 5 yr old to such and such and since you have nephew I’ll just leave 5 month old to bond with you and nephew.
So it was not your holiday ..it was your sister's holiday and you guys ( with your mother ) are just a babysitter for their children....
If I were you I will change my plan to visit my mother ....and tell her it was noy right for your sister to send her children to your specific time in your house.....
Talk with your mother ...before visiting her...
I'd tell my mother I'm rescheduling, but I'm not one to mind rocking the boat.
Of course, that may not be possible, with work etc. But I'd be tempted to bring it up. Your mom needs a reality check.
Cancel or reschedule the vacation.
Your vacation just became your sister's vacation. I've been in your shoes. Planning months ahead of time, weeks' worth of to-do scheduled, only to hear 48 hours in, "oh, I have some friends from out of state staying with us for a while."
I have no doubt your mother is looking forward to seeing you. I also have no doubt she's looking forward to dumping some of the responsibility for your nephew on you as well.
Reschedule if possible, or do something else, but you need your downtime.
Not your house, not your place to say anything. Your mom knew you were coming and she agreed to watch sisters kid. It sucks but it's all on your mom
NAH
As a working parent I can understand needing help with childcare for 5 days and also a great opportunity for the cousins to get to know each other…. I do agree though that 10 days is too much.
Absolutely agreed on this too! Bonding with cousins and needing help during work all sounds very nice and sensible to me. I just feel like my sister takes this opportunity for granted, I would just have liked to be consulted or at least informed (either by herself or by my mom). Now I discovered this whole thing weeks after it had been decided, so it feels very much imposed on me
No, you're not the asshole for feeling annoyed about this situation. It's understandable to feel frustrated when your holiday plans with your mother, whom you rarely see, are disrupted by your sister's arrangements without prior consultation. Your concerns about your mother having less time for your own children during your visit are valid, especially since you have limited opportunities to spend quality time together. It's important to communicate your feelings calmly and openly with your sister and mother, emphasizing the impact this has on your family's holiday experience and the need for fair consideration of everyone's needs. Setting boundaries and discussing expectations can help avoid future misunderstandings.
NTA-What does Grandpa think? I am sorry if he is no longer in the picture if that is the case. Sometimes you have to say hey this may be great for you mom but this is not how I would like to spend what little vacation we have.
My parents are full time babysitters for my niece because both parents work. I watched my sister have a meltdown when trying to figure out childcare because my mom was in the hospital and my dad told her to figure it out since the kid was not allowed in the ICU. She looked at me and my dad said your brother didn’t fly all the way from across the country to be your babysitter so don’t even try.
Grandpa is definitely still around but not involved much in his grandkids, and living in a separate place than my mom. So he won’t be of much support in our situation.
Also, thanks for sharing your story!
If it bothers you then like an adult you should have spoken up to begin with. Why would you come on the internet to garner sympathy when you're still sitting there pouting and not saying a goddamn thing? Why are you not calling out your sister or your mother? You're an adult with children. If someone steals your kids toys are you going to confront that person or are you going to go on the internet and pout on Reddit? If someone insults your children are you going to go and defend your child or you going to go and pout on Reddit? You're old enough to have kids for Christ's sake. Open your damn mouth and say something for once
Haha, what makes you think I’m “pouting”? It’s not exactly the same as simply polling around to see what others would do. But cheers and thanks for your input!
1- Cousins should know eachother,
2- your mum has a choice,
3- childcare is expensive and annoying, and family should support eachother where possible
4- Travelling 30 mins back and forth with a 3 year old before and after work sounds like an exhausting week, whereas your mum can just accept the task and help
5- maybe spend some time getting to know your nephew rather than complaining about him?
Making a mountain out of a molehill.
1. I agree with this
2. True but… she tends to be a pushover with my sister, for example very often my mom has cancelled plans of hers in order to help my very disorganized sister, in situation which could have been planned. My sis knows this and sometimes abuses our mom’s generosity.
3. In my country, childcare doesn’t cost much (European social systems)
4. The kiddo could go to a summer daycare, next to where my sis lives. No need to do the 30-mn back/forth trip twice a day!
5. I like my nephew and he’s not the issue here. But having one extra toddler at home changes the dynamics, I think everyone who has kids would concur to that…
NTA. My mom has 6 grandkids and has to make an active effort to not spend all her attention on the two closest and neediest. But the point is that she *does*. Sometimes she needs a gentle reminder but she corrects her behaviour immediately. To be fair to her the neediest two now live with her and my dad… so there’s not much she can do anymore.
I could see your mom helping for a few days… it’s good for cousins to spend time together too. Maybe you’ll luck out and 3yr old will be well behaved and help entertain your 2yr old!
So don’t go. Easy as that. Your mom and sister are obviously ok with the arrangements. Does your mom normally babysit for her? If so then you are disrupting their routine. Personally I would be excited to spend time with my nephew too.
Your mother is fully capable of saying "NO" if she felt this was too much. This is also your mother's home, so you do not get to tell her who is allowed to stay and when. If you don't like it, change your vacation or stay home.
Maybe you should cancel the trip and bring your mom to you instead. And I also wouldn’t watch your nephew because you weren’t included in the planning stages. Sometimes you gotta put your foot down. Teach people how to treat you and don’t let others walk all over you. You already saying you know you will have to watch him is killing me because you didn’t birth him. He wasn’t pushed out of your vagina.
NTA for feeling that way but I used to go thru the same thing with my mother. Only it was my kid who was visiting while my older brother was on vacation. She always insisted on my daughter and our kid brother's kids coming to visit during his visits. She would also do the same to me when it was my time to visit. She liked the cousins to play together. Her house her choice. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with your mother and let her know it's a problem. You are going to have to put your foot down about helping to watch him though. If she's busy, you should be busy. And if your petty, you can teach him some bad habits to bring home. But only if your really petty.
Cancel your holiday. Tell your mother she is obviously too busy spending time with the grandchild she sees daily to see yours and you will not be making your kids miss out.
Maybe go to the in-laws instead where your kids can get some attention.
It’s called diplomacy, reasonability, social behavior… But from your response, you don’t like these concepts and you instead say straight what’s crossing your mind. On my hand, I prefer to analyze first before going full on in escalation mode - but hey, that’s just me
Ummm….your “sisters kid” is literally YOUR nephew….who lives 30 min away from your mom who you’re so concerned with spending time with and who you barely get to see because of where they live, but you don’t care to spend time with your three year old nephew?? Couldn’t be me. They’re literally you’re family and it’s your moms house. Your children might enjoy spending time with their cousin maybe? Imo, yeah, you kinda are.
Are you sure your mother didn’t suggest this?
I’m 100% sure it came from my sister
Could always reschedule for when she isn't busy, maybe even offering to do so might open a dialog
That was my thought..... "Since you're going to be busy babysitting your other grandchild during that time frame we will plan to come when you won't be stretched so thin. We know it can be exhausting having that many children in the home "
Your sister may be possessive of your mom and doesn’t want her to enjoy quality time with just you and your kids. You need to tell your mom and your sister that it would be nice to see her and her child for visit or two while you are there, but you are not okay with him staying over, especially without her. It’s not fair to you or your kids. If your mom insists that it’s her house and she wants your nephew there, then tell her you will make other plans for those days since it seems your nephew is more important than your kids. Remind her that she can see him any time and she’s making a choice to take away your kids quality time with her.
Eh I really disagree with this advice- it just makes OP as possessive. It’s likely his sister is moreso an opportunist; kids at grandmas? Hers too!! OP, don’t say you aren’t okay with it- it’s not your call to make in that way. Don’t suggest she’s making it seem nephew is more important- that’s not actually the case. What I think you can say, is this time is important to you because it’s a limited amount of time 1:1 with your family and grandma. That you want the kids and nephew to spend time together, but a whole 2 weeks changes the dynamic of the visit significantly. Then just say, listen, why don’t we come up for 2 weeks. The kids can have time together and we can have that focused 1:1 time the week he isn’t visiting.
Grow a spine. What do you expect us to say?
Finest comment here, super helpful. Thanks so much for your valuable input 🤦🏽♀️
How?
In the future, may I suggest you fly your mom to you? Or all of you go somewhere else?
NTA. I would be annoyed as well. You have already brought it up and your mother pushed back. I get that she wants all three of her grandchildren together but it isn’t fair to place your nephew on your mom when she should be spending quality time with your family. For future reference maybe consider having your mother visit you from here on out or try to go on vacations and have your mother join. In the meantime go do activities with your family while you’re visiting and be occupied.
Great ideas here. Going someplace else with my mom will fix the “surprise nephew joining” (it’s the 2nd time this happens, last time was just a couple of days but it seems there is a pattern now…). I think I’ll also talk about it calmly with my mom and sis, maybe this is also miscommunication. At least now I will share my expectations
I would stay at a hotel or rental nearby to avoid being saddled with babysitting. Your mom is fine wity babysitting her grandkid bc she figures you'll help. Switch locations to avoid this and hopefully your mom can find some time to get away.
It's not a "miscommunication," it's a deliberate attempt by your sister to dump on you for free babysitting. **Make it clear to your mom that on the days that your niece is at her house, you and your family won't be.** Then either arrange for a hotel for the niece days and go out and do other things, or just shorten your visit. If your mom is upset about not getting to see you much, then she will learn how to say "no" to your sister. I get that you don't want to do this to your mom -- but you need to take a hard line here, or your sister will continue to trample all over your mom and you.
This!
It's not a "miscommunication," it's a deliberate attempt by your sister to dump on you for free babysitting. Nah, it's the mom 100%. She salivating about having all her grandkids at once. OP should definitely get her mom to her place next time but sister isn't the villain here.
I would look into staying else where for those 10 days. Seeing other friends and family while visiting then when the nephew goes home go stay with your mom. If mom asks why tell her she was busy those 10 days with your nephew so you took advantage of seeing extended family and friends and taking your family places you visited growing up.
Ugh. This same stupid bot popped up in another thread earlier.
But then my sister wins, no? She would make me change my plans for her. Isn’t she getting away with her bad behavior then?
She is but with your mom letting her get by with bad behavior there is nothing your u can do. It’s your moms house and you can’t tell your sister no only your mom can do that. But by doing this your letting your mother know you will not visit if she is babysitting. If she wants to see your family then she will not volunteer to babysit. There is nothing you can do about your sister but you can make a stand and let your mom know that she can’t have her cake and eat it too. That she can see your family or babysit.
It's a great alternative if you can't get your sister/mother to back off of the 10 day nephew visit. Other alternatives are to cancel, scale back, or reschedule the visit to avoid the 10 day babysitting period. Try not to think of changing your plans as your sister "winning". Think instead of what would be the optimal and most enjoyable visit for you and your family. Your sister is imposing, for whatever reason, but your Mother is *allowing* her to impose. Your Mom isn't without blame in all this, she could have easily pushed back on your sister and pointed out she was getting a rare visit from your family and wanted to be free to enjoy it. If you can't change up your sister's modification to your vacation then you need to make an impact on your mother. Let Grandma miss some time with her seldom seen grandchildren so she has future motivation to decline your sister's future impositions. Your vacation is not for babysitting your nephew. So plan other visits and activities so you aren't pressed into service.
If mom is coming to you make sure she knows *there is NO BRINGING anyone wit*h. No nieces or nephews, no adults, no pets. Just her and her alone.
NTA. Cancel the trip and go somewhere else. Your mom is a pushover and she’s not going to get the message.
It’s your moms choice. It’s her choice you get to say at her house. It’s her choice your nephew gets to stay at her house. If your mom does not believe she is being taken advantage of, if she’s happy to have another grandkid around there’s no problem for her. A lot of elderly grandparents would be super happy to be in your mom’s situation. I could understand the annoyance of you and your partner getting stuck with unwanted babysitting, if that actually happens to any significant extent. ~~I also don’t know what your sister’s deal is and it doesn’t sound like you do either. I suspect she’s a single mom considering you didn’t once mention your nephew’s dad and being a single parent is extremely exhausting.~~ If your mom is ok with it, you have to accept it or change your vacation plans. Vacations are generally stressful anyways, seriously top 5 most stressful things you can do. Mind your stress levels and have a good attitude. I think your own attitude is going to make or break this vacation for you. If you chill, believe you will have a good time, you will have a good time. If you go with a bad attitude, it will go downhill from there. NAH
OP did mention the sister’s husband. 2nd paragraph. It says they both work.
Thanks for sharing your POV! You raised really good points here. Just to add: my sister is not a single-mom and my BIL definitely helps. So honestly, it should all be quite manageable with some organization…
Yes change your plans a bit, if you can. Take your kids to a nearby kids museum without mom and nephew. Or cut your vacation short if you’re not getting great time with your mom. But tell her why you cut it short.
My assumption is that mom normally refuses having the nephew there full time when she's on her own, so now sis is using the argument that you will be there to help. I'd at least try to talk her down to the original 5 days. Edit: Or maybe nephew loves his cousins and asked to stay there while they are there.
Don't like it tell her she's pants for doing what she's doing or pay for your mum to go see you make it a last min thing so sister can't lob her kid at either of you
That’s what I don’t get, mom is a full adult here
When you aren't there, how often does your mom see/watch your nephew? If she is normally the main caretaker, you are out of order to think your 3 week visit means nephew's life gets disrupted for 3 weeks. If this never happens... Are you sure your mom didn't request herself to have nephew over? More background is needed.
My sister asks my mom for the occasional half-day babysitting (maybe a couple times a year), but never for a full 10 days. She could be visiting my mom a lot more, but for some reasons my sis/BIL are always busy with tons of stuff, friends, travels etc… That’s the part that annoys me: they COULD see my mom pretty much anytime in the year, but don’t make the effort. Why do these 10 days have to happen exactly during the couple of weeks when we are here? Feels like bad timing…
And no, it wasn’t my mom’s idea to have my nephew over. Definitely came from my sis, because it’s convenient for her (she works but daycare is closed, so alternatives were either summer camp or grandma)
I second those saying that you should change your plans so that you can't get stuck watching your nephew. Let your mom know why and that it is inconvenient.
Summer camp for a 3 year old? Would you do this to your own kid?
It’s not any different from a normal daycare, except that one is closed during summer hols so alternative structures exist for summer (like summer camps, which could seriously be renamed summer daycare, at least in my country). The kids definitely go back home each evening. So yes, I would put my kid, once he’s 3yo, to such summer camp. Really no biggie
Right. I thought it was more like a 2 weeks away from mum and dad type thing. Yeah. Summer camp is acceptable to an extent. But maybe it would be good for the cousins to get to know each other.
I’m not understanding….if your mom and sister live close together and you don’t see your mom often, I’d assume you don’t see your sister or nephew often either? Maybe they just want a chance for their young children to spend time with their cousins. Dang.
Any chance you can move your holiday so you won’t have the nephew for a while 10 days?
Not so easy to move it unfortunately. But yes it would have been a great solution
I'm petty as hell but I'd reschedule or cancel that part or all of my trip. But that's just me. You're not going to enjoy those ten days so why bother?
Right! I'd stay home for those 10 days and take my kids to festivals and summer events in my own town, then go to Mom's for the remainder (or vice versa)
Talk to your mom. Explain how you feel and that in the future you will not be visiting if this happens. Try and change the dates you are there.
It’s so funny to see the responses here - you can tell which people are like the sister, that think what’s best for them is the most important thing and the heck with her sister. Some people legit think “letting other people spend time with their child” is a gift and have no shame in foisting off their kids or horning in on other time. I’d reschedule. Just say “it sounds like you’ve committed to sister and nephew during this time so my family will come another less busy time for you when my kids can enjoy the one on one”.
You are totally spot on here
I'd make other plans for my vacation.
Nta but honestly this is on your mom, she allows it essentially, basically go out with the kids and be honest with her to say hou wanted to have her with you and your kids but she is busy with nephew, to bad
Do you think she wants her kid to hang with their far away cousins so they have a good relationship? I mean, from the child’s perspective, he might want to be with gramma and his cousins.
Yea the pettiness of “my mommy time!” from a grown woman is…. Something
It is your mom’s choice. If you don’t like it, stay at a hotel. Change your plans. And wouldn’t you want your kids and your sister’s kids to spend time together and get to know each other? And maybe your mom wants all her grandkids together. Your sister’s kid will be there 10 out of the 21 days you are there. Your kids will still have plenty of one on one time with their grandmother.
This is what I would do. Stay at a hotel, so you’re not responsible for babysitting. And/or cut the vacation to one week. Frankly, I’d probably cancel. It’s not worth the aggravation.
OP hasn’t even had a conversation with her mother about any of this, it’s absolutely absurd!
You're not in the wrong for feeling frustrated by your sister's decision to have her child stay with your mother during your family's planned holiday together. It's understandable to want exclusive time with your mom, especially given how infrequently you get to see her. Your sister's lack of consideration in not consulting you about the extended stay and the impact on your family's time and your mother's availability is valid cause for annoyance. It might help to calmly communicate your feelings with both your sister and your mother to clarify expectations and ensure everyone respects each other's plans and boundaries moving forward.
Thanks for your reply. Yes, you’re right, a clear communication will prob help this situation not happening again. I’ll wait till I calm down to bring it up :)
I’d leave and visit again until your mom has had a stern talk with sister.
Take your family out for a day trip and grandmother home with your sister child .During the stay, just hang with family. Tell your mother she needs to babysit, and you all will go out without them
It’s your mom’s choice, but it’s your choice whether to change or cancel plans. I’d suggest taking your kids elsewhere or at least staying elsewhere for the 2 weeks your nephew is there, but you know that will probably turn into all 3 weeks anyway. I can understand not wanting to help care for another young child when that’s not the vacation you planned.
Shorten your visit. Your mom can make her own decisions as to who she wants to host. But you can decide how long the visit is based on those circumstances. NTA
NTA for being annoyed. Your mother probably thinks it's ok because she gets to see all her grandchildren together. But if your mother is ok with it, there isn't much you can do about it. Have you tried telling her about how you feel?
I did try to raise the topic to my mother but she pushed back and said it will be great to have all grandkids together and that if needed she will hire a babysitter to help us. Yeah great, that doesn’t solve the topic of reduced one-on-one time with my own kids…
Expected. Unfortunately, how your mother chooses to spend her time with her grandchildren is beyond your control. Whether or not you watch your sister's children, however, is within your control. Some time with grandmother is better than none I guess.
Just tell her 'ok mom, we will cut our stay short and come back at a time when we can agree what will happen and who else will be visiting' Don't give her the option to disregard your feelings.
She wants her grandkids to play with a babysitter helping out, more than she wants to see your grandkids. If that isn’t what you want, tell her why you want one-on-one time. Tell her that your kids barely know her, and that they won’t get to know her this way.
you don't have to go
See this is so selfish. You're going to be there for three weeks. You can share your mother and let your kid get to have fun with their cousin. Come on now.
NTA. There's a pretty obvious reason that your sister still lives so close to mommy...so she can dump her kid any time she wants. My sister does that to my mom too and it's frustrating. I think you guys should stay in a hotel or go somewhere else for holiday instead of your mom's. Say you're disappointed that she doesn't have the time this time, but you'll come another time when she's more available. It sucks to uproot your whole plan here but you and your husband are going to spend 3 weeks frustrated by this and that really isn't a nice holiday. Oh, and by the way...during week 2 of your stay, you WILL find out your nephew week be there for week 3 as well, just a heads up.
NTA. Tell your mom how you feel about this and depending on her reaction or course correction here then I would suggest you either don’t go at all or cut your vacation short so you limit the shared days.
Nta Tell your mom that she's obviously busy, And you're gonna cancel your vacation and rebook for another time when she's available... If she doesn't get the message outright tell her that you are going there to visit *her*, not your nephew, and that your children only get to see her very rarely, so you would like for her to actually be able to spend time with your children not babysit your nephew
NTA I would cancel and go somewhere else for vacation and next time maybe do that and invite only your mom
Cut the trip short and go see other stuff thats a hijacked event. Take your kids other places enjoy and just tell your mom this is a plan to see her your not interested in helping babysit and if she is then leave her home.
That’s perfectly put: ‘hijacked’ is a great adjective to describe this trip !
You might consider calling mom and just saying something along the lines of 'I'm thinking about changing our visit if that works for you. I'd like to visit when you aren't occupied taking care of a 3 year old, as I know that alone is exhausting, without adding all of us on top of that. We may have to cut short our visit - 2 weeks instead of 3 - since we already had that time approved, and now we'd have to work around co-worker schedules. Do you have a 3 week window that might work better for you, in case we can get the 3 weeks or fit 2 weeks in there?' This tone comes across as less angry about sister trying to ruin your vacation, but also lets mom know you don't want nephew there for 10 days while you are.
That’s a good, diplomatic way of phrasing it. Nice suggestion, thanks!
NTA Is it possible to shift your vacation 2 weeks either way? If you do and your sister moved the two weeks, it would prove she is intruding on your vacation time with your mom on purpose. Why is she "needing" your mom to look after your nephew those specific 2 weeks? Obviously, it's upto your mom to say yes or no. Is it possible your mom is asking for the nephew to spend the time with her so she can have all three grandkids there at the same time? Remind your mom that this is your vacation, and the point was to spend time with her. You are not traveling so far to babysit your nephew and will be doing vacation outings with your children. You will have enough to do tending to your own kids and will not be taking your nephew along. In the future, either pay to have your mother visit you or find a way to keep the timing of your visit from your sister. Is it possible to talk to your BIL about this trend? It would be one thing to see your sisters family for a few days while you are there but just the nephew for most of it? Out of line.
I agree on all your points. I can’t shift the holidays unfortunately (work constraints), and talking to my BIL will not help: he just won’t understand the problem for me, as he comes from a HUGE family (when I say huge, it’s really huge. A small family meetup for them consists of minimum 30 peeps. Weddings are never under 250 attendees.). So the concept of 1-to-1 time with grandma is entirely foreign to him
Oh well, figured it would not be possible, but thought I would ask. I am confused on why your sister needs your mother to have her son for 10 days you are visiting. You mentioned that she and BIL are working. Don't they work all the time or do they only work 2 weeks a year? If they work all the time, who looks after him normally and why can't they look after him these specific 2 weeks?
2 yo and 3 yo will most likely play together. Maybe not extremly but they will. You will be fine. This is not your place to complain your mum agreed to it. Nah as long as you wont go on tirade
NTA. Your sister is imposing babysitting duties on you. That is selfish of her. You cannot force your sister not to drop off her son if your mother agrees, but you can resist getting sucked in as free care. If you have the money for it, stay at a hotel or an AirBnb for part of your visit, and just come to your mother's house for a few hours in the afternoon each day. Or leave every morning for a few hours without your nephew, to tour interesting places in the area. Either way, make it clear that you are not available for babysitting. That way, your mother will get the message that if she gives in to your sister she is left with her grandchild and she loses time with you. Then next time she will make a better decision.
I would say NAH. I'm in the same situation except I'm the sister who live close, my brother and sister bothnlive several hors away and only come in the summer and at Christmas. We all work and our mom take our kids during summer holidays when we work ans other grand parents are not available. Sometimes our grandma "slot" are on the time and several kids are there together. My mom love to have her grandchildren and cousins love to see each other. My brother and sister tried to make me not bring my kids on the same time as theirs but if I have no other solution, they'll still go. I won't ask my kids to not go to their grandma who they love because I live close and can easily spend time over there during the year.
NTA. Find other things to do with your family on the days your nephew is there. Visit with other family or friends, day trips, exploring, whatever. Just do other things. If your mother complains then explain to her that you didn't come on vacation to watch your nephew and it's rather rude of your sister to impose her child on your mother for the little time you get to see each other. Alternatively, the next time you want to vacation with your mother choose a destination rather than her home. Nephew is not invited.
Explain to your mom that since she will be babysitting a three year old for 10 days you and your family will vacation elsewhere.
NTA My MIL used to do this. She’d have my husband’s sister’s kids when my husband and I were there or our kids were there. My husband never got his parents on their own.
Your mother is the one saying yes. She doesn't have to. You can't "impose" on other people without their permission. Did you talk to your mom about this? She's the one to blame.
Shorten your visit to the dates your nephew won't be present If his dates suddenly move to coincide with your new dates, you'll need to call your sister on her bullshit & inability to take a hint
NTA. Canceling the trip and going somewhere else might be better. To make up for it, plan a staycation in the future and have your mom stay with you. If why comes up, tell your mother you don't want to impose when she's busy with her other responsibilities. And you want to plan something where she can spend time and bond with your kids.
NTA but I suggest you take your family somewhere else during that 5 days. Visiting a town nearby or sth. Tell your mom that since you have 2 younger kids, you don’t want to add more stress on her and will sacrifice some quality time for your sister.
I thought about this, but I feel that, by me leaving these 5 days, my sister is getting away with this, with her kid getting cared by grandma. It feels wrong to let her win :/
But the judge is your mom, she enables your sister and you’ll never win because your mom is already on her side. Honestly, I like one grandma more than the other, I cried for month after one died and was just ‘oh’ when the other one died. If your husband’s mom treat the kids more fairly then better spend more time with his family. You only need ppl who care for your kids, not always put your kids second. Your mom needs to come to her sense and say no to your sister.
NTA. Your sister is being manipulative. Ask your mom if she can say no to your sis. If not, then I think you should change your vacation to a time before or after your nephew’s visit.
NTA - On days nephew is there, take your kids and do things without them. If mom misses out on things, that's on her. I get you want to see your mom, but mom is the problem here, not telling your sister to impose.
NTA, if possible, change your dates to come after the 10 days, or stay somewhere else
I’m stuck on dropping your 3yo off anywhere and not seeing him for 10 days. Why can’t they pick up/drop off before and after work like everyone else?
A good point indeed… ! I would miss my kid so terribly (and vice-versa for sure). To my sister, the 2x30mn (back and forth) each morning and night probably sounds like a waste of time, understandably too. But a summer daycare exists next to my sister’s place, so she could also have used this solution
Honestly I cannot wrap my brain around having that option so close to home and choosing to drop him off for 10 days . I wish you luck, sounds like she is taken a vacation herself on your time.
"Oh, we didn't realize you'd have other obligations during our planned visit. Let's look at our calendars and pick some other dates when you'll be free to just relax and enjoy a visit with us without having to worry about babysitting."
If your mom isn’t complaining about looking after her grandson then there’s nothing you can do about it
I would cancel that vacation so fucking fast and tell your mom to let you know when she won't be babysitting for 2/3rd of your vacation and you can see her then.
NTA. Perhaps suggest rescheduling so you can spend quality time with your mom without her time being divided? Whether you mean it or not is up to you, but bring awareness that you want exclusive time with her.
NTA It was absolutely on purpose. Your sister gets an extended date night and jealously intrudes on your private time with Mom. Are all families like this? It just feels so much like it.
Thank you! Yeah I also see it that way, and it feels a bit tricky now: either I complain but with the risk of creating a tense atmosphere, or I don’t say anything and my sister gets away with this. Family dynamics are complicated sometimes…
YTA. That is your mom´s home, who are you to dictate who gets to stay there? Also, you´d think the same way you are happy to see your mom, you´d be happy to spend time with nephew/let your children bond with their cousin. If you don´t like it, get a hotel. YOU chose to live far away = you chose to reduce time and access to your mom. Deal with the consequences of your actions.
NTA i would make plans for you and your kids OR stay in a fun airbnb during the 10 days (or part of that). Its disappointing but your mom won't change her ways. So move accordingly
NAH If you want more time from your mom with your children have her come stay at your home for a week. When sister says she is sending her child along tell her no. You have plans made and paid for which don't include them.
Your sister is testing the boundaries so it would be useful to assert them. Tell them you are trying to change/move the vacation. This way, since your sister needs (big laugh) to drop the baby, your mom would not be overwhelmed with 3 kids, you would relax a little because you had a very hard year and gave birth only 5 months ago so it's not in your or your husband's plans to have an additional kid around for half of your stay, and your kids would have one to one time with grandma since that was the main purpose of the trip. If they will tell you about the cousins being together etc you agree but not this year because you are recovering and not for so long when they don't spend as much time with grandma as your nephew do
You're not wrong to being annoyed with your sister - but ultimately it's not your house and not your say. If your mother is fine with it, that's her prerogative. You could choose to stay in a hotel or an airbnb instead of with your mother. Perhaps your mother thought it would be nice to have the cousins all together. NAH. Your mother may have even suggested it to your sister; maybe she wanted to have all the grandkids together.
It's not just your sister. Your mom agreed to it.
YTA-gotta be honest you come off as entitled and jealous. You moved away and you don't live there. Your choice. Why don't you take nephew out a couple of times and let mee-maw take your kids out. That way everyone gets one on one time? Sounds like your mom is looking forward to having all grandkids together, why would you want to take that from her?
This!!!;it's sounds that op don't like the nephew,but is the mother home,and I'm sure grandma is happy having all the grandkids together
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Agreed, OP should speak up for themselves. It’s the only way to resolve things, otherwise people won’t know things bother you. Also idk what the usual baby sit routine is like for the mom. But if you don’t wanna care for a child say no and get a hotel or some shiz
Thanks for your honest reply! While my sister and BIL work, my nephew could also have gone to a daytime summer camp on these days (it’s free in my country). I guess my sis assumed it could be nicer for him to be with his grandma though… Fair enough! But how about first checking what’s my impression on this too? She lives 30mn away but never really makes time to see our mum apart from asking for (free) babysitting. On the other hand, I myself live 8h away, so I cannot improvise a visit at my mother’s place anytime. Why does my sis have to choose the same time as when my kids and I are visiting … The tension rose one level up when i found out it was not anymore 5 but 10 days. I felt my own opinion on this situation had been even more disregarded.
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I agree that it might not have been super obvious to my sister and to my mom when they planned it together, so I’ll definitely share my feelings so we all do better next time. But on my end, intuitively I would have never planned to let my kid(s) stay at my mom’s (or MIL’s) for 10 full days without checking that visitors who already planned their holidays are OK with this. Small kids are labor-intensive so it definitely impacts whoever is vacationning in that same household as well. Checking first just feels like basic courtesy to me
Perhaps it's time to change your plans and go on a 10 day vacation with your kids. You can tell your Mom and sister that you'll visit your Mom for the remaining vacation days when sister's LO won't be there so your kids can have their Grandmother's full attention.
This is what I was thinking.
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Yes, she knew it very clearly
Part of the fun of family visits growing up was playing with the cousins. And wrangling three isn’t really much different from two. I get what you’re saying, but you’re probably overthinking this one. Go. Have fun. Love on your niece or nephew. Love on your parents. Enjoy your vacation.
Mom's the one being asked for her time in her home by both you and your sister. Your nephew is going to be there. He's family and he's welcome. You're obviously taking advantage of her, too, if you aren't staying in a hotel. You're not an AH for feeling frustrated with a situation, but you sound resentful, so go somewhere else on holiday or happily accept the quality time with your nephew.
I don’t see how I am taking advantage of my mom: both my hubby and I are staying here, so we handle our own kids without needing much help per se. Our kids definitely spend a bit of fun time with grandma playing / asking for stories-reading, etc… but the whole feeding/clothing/bathing/nappy stuff is exclusively on the shoulders of my husband and I. For my nephew though, my mother will need a lot of time each day to take care of all this - and it’s normal when caring for a 3 yo!
For what it’s worth, I was the grandkid that lived far away. Once every year or two I would get schlepped to another state to hang out with a grandma and grandpa I barely knew, in a house I didn’t feel comfortable in, to be “doted on”. It was not that fun. And my cousins were always on vacation or had other plans. All I wanted was to hang out with other kids and get to know them. Even when they were younger and I had to “look after them” that was fun too because I’d never had “baby cousins” before who thought I was cool shit for being older. Most fun I ever had on those trips were when one cousin was stuck in town for some reason and we hung out. Would have been even cooler if we’d *ever* have gotten to know each other before those few visits. I think I got to spend 1:1 time with each of them once. And one of them died the next year. So, I mean, for YOU it sucks. For your kids, it might be fun. Don’t put your sibling issues ahead of your kids’ experiences.
it's a 3 year old and a 2 year old and an infant
But that is your mom's choice. Unless she expects you to be handling the kid. Be glad that kids can enjoy some cousin time. These are the memories we cherish from childhood into adulthood. Today I am closer to the cousins I got to spend vacations with as a child.
Having 2 extra adults and 2 extra kids for 3 full weeks is a lot for people who don't have full time people in their house. So even if you take care of your kids yourself, it's still a huge imposition on your mother... and that your mother happily accepts... Like she accepts to take care of her other grandkid. But having a bunch of kids crying, yelling, waking up in the middle of the night, etc. is extremely stressfull and you don't get to have your peace during that time. Trust me. I don't have kids, so when my sister and her kid come home, even for one day and even if I'm not responsible for my nephew, I'm exhausted. I can't imagine 3 whole weeks. So stop downplaying it and accept that you are imposing yourself. Even if your mother is extremely happy to see you all, it's still an imposition on her. She is also allowed to agree to take care of her other grandkid as long as SHE wants, in her OWN home. You seem extremely entitled and selfcentered. You chose to live away from your family and yet you make it everyone else's problem with your comments. I get that you want some quality time with your mother, it's normal. And it really seems like you will have a whole week of it. So why are you here complaining like a 13 years old teenager?
But you don’t know the configuration of the place. Actually, my mum wouldn’t hear my kids when they wake up because we stay in a small “guests flat” under her house, so the noise she hears from us is really limited. And again, both my husband and I handle 95% of our kids duties, so the burden is not at all on her. But ok, if you think I sound like a 13 yo teen, it’s your perception :)
NAH. I can kind of understand your disappointment, but at the end of the day, it's really your mum's decision. She probably sees it as a plus that her grandkids get to enjoy time together at her place, and doesn't see it as detracting from your kids. I honestly think you just need to suck it up for this visit (although it's healthy to set up your own boundaries about how much nephew-sitting time you and your husband PERSONALLY are okay with, if any, because you're not the ones who agreed to babysitting). If you can, try to see it as a chance to bond with your nephew. Going forward, perhaps consider a trip with your mother and your family instead of a visit at her place, or sponsor a visit at your place for her, if it bothers you that much.
You’re NTA for feeling this way. I hope the nephew is reasonably well behaved. Could you adjust your days there for less overlap? If not, plan things to be out and about so you aren’t the extra babysitter. In the future, take your mom somewhere else, or have her come visit you.
Thanks. My nephew is cute and quite well behaved (toddler tantrums aside but it’s normal for his age!). Just resenting my sister a bit for completely keeping me out of the decision of partly babysitting him for a whole 10 days. So yes, it’s a good advice to plan stuff out and leave nephew and grandma at home for some days
NTA. — I could see maybe 2/3 days but 10. I would not be the caregiver for the nephew. Do you have other relatives you might like to visit? Spend some time with nephew but can you plan some day trips - might be hard with a 5 month old. Personally I’d be looking for a hotel for at 8 of those days. Do not babysit nephew if mom is busy. It’s her responsibility. Oh gee mom, I’m going to take 5 yr old to such and such and since you have nephew I’ll just leave 5 month old to bond with you and nephew.
Not a mention of cousins spending time together.
Considering one is an infant of 5mo, what's the bother?
If your mom is cool with it I don’t see why you mad, just don’t go or stay in a hotel, sounds like you just want your mom to focus only on your kids
Wow, tell me you don't like your nephew without telling me you don't like your nephew.
So it was not your holiday ..it was your sister's holiday and you guys ( with your mother ) are just a babysitter for their children.... If I were you I will change my plan to visit my mother ....and tell her it was noy right for your sister to send her children to your specific time in your house..... Talk with your mother ...before visiting her...
I'd tell my mother I'm rescheduling, but I'm not one to mind rocking the boat. Of course, that may not be possible, with work etc. But I'd be tempted to bring it up. Your mom needs a reality check.
Cancel or reschedule the vacation. Your vacation just became your sister's vacation. I've been in your shoes. Planning months ahead of time, weeks' worth of to-do scheduled, only to hear 48 hours in, "oh, I have some friends from out of state staying with us for a while." I have no doubt your mother is looking forward to seeing you. I also have no doubt she's looking forward to dumping some of the responsibility for your nephew on you as well. Reschedule if possible, or do something else, but you need your downtime.
I’d cancel
So what does your mom say about all of this?
Flip the script- bring mom to YOU- then tell sis to pay for a sitter- that nephew isn’t allowed to come.
ESH You and your sister are using your children as pawns to your selfish mind games.
Not your house, not your place to say anything. Your mom knew you were coming and she agreed to watch sisters kid. It sucks but it's all on your mom NAH
AH. Do your kids see their cousin often? probably as much as your mom? you are there for 3 weeks. the kid is there for 5 days.get over yourself AH
As a working parent I can understand needing help with childcare for 5 days and also a great opportunity for the cousins to get to know each other…. I do agree though that 10 days is too much.
Absolutely agreed on this too! Bonding with cousins and needing help during work all sounds very nice and sensible to me. I just feel like my sister takes this opportunity for granted, I would just have liked to be consulted or at least informed (either by herself or by my mom). Now I discovered this whole thing weeks after it had been decided, so it feels very much imposed on me
No, you're not the asshole for feeling annoyed about this situation. It's understandable to feel frustrated when your holiday plans with your mother, whom you rarely see, are disrupted by your sister's arrangements without prior consultation. Your concerns about your mother having less time for your own children during your visit are valid, especially since you have limited opportunities to spend quality time together. It's important to communicate your feelings calmly and openly with your sister and mother, emphasizing the impact this has on your family's holiday experience and the need for fair consideration of everyone's needs. Setting boundaries and discussing expectations can help avoid future misunderstandings.
NTA-What does Grandpa think? I am sorry if he is no longer in the picture if that is the case. Sometimes you have to say hey this may be great for you mom but this is not how I would like to spend what little vacation we have. My parents are full time babysitters for my niece because both parents work. I watched my sister have a meltdown when trying to figure out childcare because my mom was in the hospital and my dad told her to figure it out since the kid was not allowed in the ICU. She looked at me and my dad said your brother didn’t fly all the way from across the country to be your babysitter so don’t even try.
Grandpa is definitely still around but not involved much in his grandkids, and living in a separate place than my mom. So he won’t be of much support in our situation. Also, thanks for sharing your story!
If it bothers you then like an adult you should have spoken up to begin with. Why would you come on the internet to garner sympathy when you're still sitting there pouting and not saying a goddamn thing? Why are you not calling out your sister or your mother? You're an adult with children. If someone steals your kids toys are you going to confront that person or are you going to go on the internet and pout on Reddit? If someone insults your children are you going to go and defend your child or you going to go and pout on Reddit? You're old enough to have kids for Christ's sake. Open your damn mouth and say something for once
Haha, what makes you think I’m “pouting”? It’s not exactly the same as simply polling around to see what others would do. But cheers and thanks for your input!
We need a support group. My sister pulls this stunt every other month. NTA
OMG I feel for you. This is infuriating. Can’t imagine dealing with this crap on a regular basis…
NTA. I’d be annoyed. Talk to sis about how rude it is. Also talk to mom about how it affects your time together too.
1- Cousins should know eachother, 2- your mum has a choice, 3- childcare is expensive and annoying, and family should support eachother where possible 4- Travelling 30 mins back and forth with a 3 year old before and after work sounds like an exhausting week, whereas your mum can just accept the task and help 5- maybe spend some time getting to know your nephew rather than complaining about him? Making a mountain out of a molehill.
1. I agree with this 2. True but… she tends to be a pushover with my sister, for example very often my mom has cancelled plans of hers in order to help my very disorganized sister, in situation which could have been planned. My sis knows this and sometimes abuses our mom’s generosity. 3. In my country, childcare doesn’t cost much (European social systems) 4. The kiddo could go to a summer daycare, next to where my sis lives. No need to do the 30-mn back/forth trip twice a day! 5. I like my nephew and he’s not the issue here. But having one extra toddler at home changes the dynamics, I think everyone who has kids would concur to that…
NTA. My mom has 6 grandkids and has to make an active effort to not spend all her attention on the two closest and neediest. But the point is that she *does*. Sometimes she needs a gentle reminder but she corrects her behaviour immediately. To be fair to her the neediest two now live with her and my dad… so there’s not much she can do anymore. I could see your mom helping for a few days… it’s good for cousins to spend time together too. Maybe you’ll luck out and 3yr old will be well behaved and help entertain your 2yr old!
YTA. It's your Mum's house and her choice. Have you even established if your Mum has a problem with it.
So don’t go. Easy as that. Your mom and sister are obviously ok with the arrangements. Does your mom normally babysit for her? If so then you are disrupting their routine. Personally I would be excited to spend time with my nephew too.
No, my mom doesn’t babysit for her, so there is no disruption by me here
Your mother is fully capable of saying "NO" if she felt this was too much. This is also your mother's home, so you do not get to tell her who is allowed to stay and when. If you don't like it, change your vacation or stay home.
Maybe you should cancel the trip and bring your mom to you instead. And I also wouldn’t watch your nephew because you weren’t included in the planning stages. Sometimes you gotta put your foot down. Teach people how to treat you and don’t let others walk all over you. You already saying you know you will have to watch him is killing me because you didn’t birth him. He wasn’t pushed out of your vagina.
Refuse to watch the kid, say you have plans and then go out for the day
NTA for feeling that way but I used to go thru the same thing with my mother. Only it was my kid who was visiting while my older brother was on vacation. She always insisted on my daughter and our kid brother's kids coming to visit during his visits. She would also do the same to me when it was my time to visit. She liked the cousins to play together. Her house her choice. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with your mother and let her know it's a problem. You are going to have to put your foot down about helping to watch him though. If she's busy, you should be busy. And if your petty, you can teach him some bad habits to bring home. But only if your really petty.
Cancel your holiday. Tell your mother she is obviously too busy spending time with the grandchild she sees daily to see yours and you will not be making your kids miss out. Maybe go to the in-laws instead where your kids can get some attention.
>But I didn’t say anything, to avoid creating tensions. Then sTfU and quit complaining. You chose to say nothing.
It’s called diplomacy, reasonability, social behavior… But from your response, you don’t like these concepts and you instead say straight what’s crossing your mind. On my hand, I prefer to analyze first before going full on in escalation mode - but hey, that’s just me
Your sentence makes no sense. Have a great day though!
And now here you are complaining. What good did laying down and taking it do you here?
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Thanks! I’ll try and talk to them.
Then tell her.
NTA but you're already annoyed and miserable and you're not even there yet. Why haven't you said anything to your sister? Your mom won't tell her no?
Ypu ate there to visit family, and ypu ate mad that family was there? Make that make sense
Ummm….your “sisters kid” is literally YOUR nephew….who lives 30 min away from your mom who you’re so concerned with spending time with and who you barely get to see because of where they live, but you don’t care to spend time with your three year old nephew?? Couldn’t be me. They’re literally you’re family and it’s your moms house. Your children might enjoy spending time with their cousin maybe? Imo, yeah, you kinda are.