separated but not divorced
living with their ex
so hung up on their ex they can't be happy about us
prioritizes their ex over me
(See a pattern? Sounds common sense, right?)
wants me to be a secret in any way for any reason
Nobody with kids
Decides to have sex/a relationship/sharing nudes/ flirting with other people.
A user or manipulator
Someone who talks badly about everyone, especially their friends and ex partners
So many of what you mentioned i consider common sense to not be allowed in relationship. It scares me that you actually have to explain this to some people.
>separated but not divorced
Is this list ordered by importance? because i never saw this as being very important. it takes a minimum of 6 months before you can divorce in some places and can take up to 5 years depending on the complexity. if this was at the top of everyone's non-negotiable list, some people wouldn't be able to date for years.
If it was a situation like that where they legally couldn't, but they were living apart and had every intent to divorce as soon as possible, and had every necessary piece of paperwork filed, then I'd definitely make an exception.
I feel the same way. Like legally separated and living apart would be enough for me.
I have a friend who left her ex-husband 7 years ago but between financial constraints of caring for their children with no support, him refusing to cooperate with the divorce and going on the lam she just hasn’t been able to get legally divorced and it honestly just wasn’t the priority either because her time and money went to the kids. She has been with her boyfriend for 4 years now though. I really don’t think her being technically married on paper matters to either of them. She is trying to divorce her ex in absentia now though because her and the boyfriend want to get married. Her kids are over 18 now and she has more time and funds to put into paying a lawyer and officially getting the divorce.
omfg the one about being a secret in any way for any reason... two members of my friend group are dating and it's the world's worst kept secret. They don't think we know but we know. It kinda pisses me off, bc do they think we'll be angry they're dating? No, we'll be happy until shit starts to hit the fan and if you keep it a secret THAT's when it'll be "revealed"...
Testing. If you feel like you have to test your partner in a relationship, either you have trust issues that are ultimately going to destroy the relationship or you're a manipulative person who enjoys making others squirm. Either way, you're not fit for a relationship IMO.
Edit for clarity: And I don't mean testing for STDs. That's a no brainer.
Glad I saw this. Just started dating a girl recently and yesterday she openly admitted to testing me about whether I would offer to do some stuff around her house for her. Starting to have second thoughts about her tbh
Starting!?!?!?! Re-read what you wrote! Has she been doing stuff around your house for you? Is this a mutually reciprocal relationship based on care and understanding?
Adding on to this that when people tell you about the test, that means it’s more than just a test. It’s now also a manipulation.
If someone tested you and you failed to meet their standards then they’d leave. But she wants you to *know* that you failed. This is the start of a bad pattern.
Yup, I haven't been tested, but If I did get tested, that would be an instant breakup.
Adults use words and communicate. You can just ask to learn about me.
Hey HumpsMagee, thank you for the comment. I ended my relationship last month with someone who was not very nice to me. He openly admitted that he “set me up” to see what I would do in a situation. I failed and he stormed out on me and didn’t talk to me for 2 days. That’s when I ended it. I had never had someone treat me that way before.
That shit is CRAZY to me. My spouse's mom did this and she criticizes and ignores the fuck out of him. He had no time for it and we went no contact but like, bitch didn't even like him and still treated him like her spouse WTF. I guess she did that to his dad, and that's why he left her ass too.
Yeah, his whole life. She's religious and always wanted a daughter, I think, and she got four sons. My spouse was her youngest son and she just like gave up caring about her kids at that point. He was so neglected in his childhood.
I see. It's just that the comment you commented on talked about being treated like the other woman ny her would be mother in law, so in your case it would be your man's mother being mean to you :p was a bit confused
I’m childfree and always have been. When I was single I purposely avoided single Dad’s or men who’ve had kids. My ridiculous Aunt would ask “what if Mr. Perfect had kids? Would you just stop dating him because of that?” Yeah, I would. If he was Mr. Perfect he wouldn’t have kids. It’s that simple.
Financial independence is definitely a big one. I’m pretty frugal and like to save my money for large ticket items instead of small spending every day. Definitely want to find someone with a similar mindset.
This has been a big problem for me. So many people drink a lot. Being borderline alcoholic is considered normal. I don’t mind if they have a beer after work but I’m honestly fed up of having people getting so drunk at home on a Thursday they’re stumbling, or getting home wasted at 3am on the weekends. And then there’s the horrible breath that comes with it. It’s hard to find fun, chilled out people who don’t drink.
Here in the US it’s pretty common too. I have a theory that the industrial world prefers everyone be on two drugs; coffee in the morning, and beer or wine in the evening. Neither is inherently bad but good lord people over use both lmao
Kind of a nerdy reply but in Anno 2070, the ultra-industrialists drink of choice is liquor while the environmentally conscious's is tea. I'm not sure why that stuck with me, but yea :/
Maybe life just isn't all it can be in our world.
One coworker at my old shop (current work does UA and breathalyzer for some jobs) bragged about smoking a joint and smashing a whole 12 pack every night. At that point is it even safe to drive the next morning?
Yeah it's always really exciting and refreshing when I find other people who don't drink. It's so boring to me when someone thinks the only way to socialize is to go out and get drunk. Even though I could go with them and sit there without drinking, that's not fun. I don't enjoy being around drunk people.
Big problem in the USA as well. Listen to country music and see how many songs you can get without mentioning whiskey or beer. For many it’s the default drink.
Assuming that just because we're in a relationship, we're in whatever relationship they imagined in their head without actually communicating boundaries and expectations
Deal breakers :
- sexual incompatibility
- hard drugs
- lying / cheating
- not being able to have open conversations
- not being able to admit when wrong
No drama, no lies, no bullshittery. Been there done that. Also, no difficult kids that I haven't bonded with and don't like. I'm too old now, and in a stable relationship...
but I once dated a guy for almost a month before he dropped the bomb that he had 5...yes, FIVE!-- kids !--all 12 and under.. and he said 2 had "behavioral problems" as he explained it..then looked at me and said... "I'm a package deal!---" lmao...I said absolutely not, I've raised MINE, I ain't raising no more, and we broke up almost immediately. His "package deal" was both a surprise and a deal breaker. Idk why guys hide this shit so hard then act hurt when women aren't EVEN interested to go that route.
Another story,: I once dated a guy I thought was Mr. PERFECT. Dated him 4 months. We always went out elsewhere on dates or he'd come to my house, I knew he had a dad who lived with him, and thought maybe the dad didn't approve of him bringing women home, but dumbass me never questioned it too hard, I was always just happy to be with him no matter where we went. Then one day, he disappeared, I couldn't get him to text, my calls went unanswered, he just was (I thought) ghosting me..
Come to find out, on the 4th day I sent him a message, I said..either call and talk to me, or I WILL COME THERE. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.
The truth was..he'd been in the hospital unconscious and had had a pretty severe heart attack, (he was only in his 40s) and bc of the "shituation" the truth came out.
His crazy crack qddict ex-wife, who he'd told me horror stories about...was living in his BASEMENT ...HE said the only reason he was still with her is bc he was on her military insurance and was not going to give that up. So now I knew why he never had me at his house. I broke that off instantly.
Wow, the last part of the second story you shared left me with my mouth hanging open. I've heard stories of people staying with someone they no longer love or should be in a relationship with to keep their benefits or the health insurance is good. I'm sure you're glad you only lost 4 months and not a year or longer. Don't think he'd be able to keep up hiding his ex-wife in his basement for years, but who knows! haha
I know a couple who stayed married in name only for military medical benefits. They lived in different states and never saw each other again after they split up.
I know I'd rather stay with my husband for love (that's my current situation), but I can understand the rationale behind staying with someone to keep receiving benefits. My dad was in the military and the medical benefits have been life-saving for him. I no longer live in the US full-time and I'm still recovering from how our healthcare system is set up.
Drug users, someone who spends way too much time talking about himself and doesn't ask about you once, says awful things about all of his exes, is rude to servers and employees, makes derogatory comments about people due to their financial status.
Not being honest, lying, cheating, etc.
not being up my butt 24/7 OR wanting me to be with them 24/7. I need me time!
Hygiene. Don't be a stinky mess. Shower, brush your teeth regularly, use deodorant, that kind of thing. Financial saavy. Have plans for retirement, be able to pay your bills, and so on.
Completely opposite political views from mine. Especially in this day and age.
Treat me as your equal, not property, and don't insult my intelligence. Outdated views on the role of women vs. men, i.e. men work, women stay home and in the kitchen. NOPE.
Be willing to compromise, esp. on bigger things. Like vacations. My BF would be perfectly happy at a resort, sitting on the beach or by the pool for a week. Me? I need to DO things, SEE things. so we do both when we travel.
This is the perfect example of self awareness and emotional intelligence. You aren't asking for anything than basic stuff, and it sucks that it has to be put out there like that. I'm confident you'll find someone who complements your views and expectations (if you haven't already). Thanks for sharing!!
I have and thank you! We met later in life, been together almost 5years and he is amazing. He checks off all these boxes, and then some. Yes, he annoys me at times, but I do him, and whenever we do, we are mature enough to talk about it. Haven't had a fight yet! Minor disagreements, but ntohing more.
No drugs, cheating, asking for an open relationship, and constantly suspicious of what I'm doing/where I'm going/who I'm with when I'm not doing anything or have never given any reason in the past regarding faithfulness.
What is your Definition of “no drugs” here ? Just hard drugs like cocaine or heroine and the like or no light drugs such as weed and booze ? Or no super light stuff like coffee and Tylenol?
Not much,but able to save money for emergency and herself in case something happens to me.Be fine with a normal life and I am all for gaining fat but not to a point it will make life difficult.Same for me as well.
I don't drink but if she like a few in the weekend or on special occasion fine by me as long as it is with moderation.
It's not the only one but a huge one for me is:
Must be willing, able and happy to be by themselves/entertain themselves some evenings/weekend days.
I need my own space and time to decompress from the day that might mean a few evenings a week I don't want to speak, just read for a few hours. I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with someone who was needy and not independent.
Another one would be must enjoy adventures. Especially hiking/long walks in nature but a willingness to try things is a must. Otherwise would be boring.
Drugs, smoking, gambling and mama's boy are non-negotiable. Occasional alcohol is ok. Occasional cannabis for sleep and pain relief is ok.
The other basic rules not to be broken are: abuse (physical, sexual, emotional and financial), cheating, and lying.
Respect when fighting is a MUST. If they name call or yell at me, I’m out. Been through that shit before, and it’s unacceptable going forward.
Non-reciprocal behavior is also unacceptable. We’re a team.
My phone is for my convenience. I refuse to let anyone, my partner or my family shame me or emotionally manipulate me for not being available when they think I should. It's a stand I've had to take in almost every relationship. I don't check my phone constantly and if I go to an event, I am at the event and not on my phone. I refuse to be held to a communication standard of constant checking in because of someone else's insecurity.
I find it really funny to see some of the dealbreakers in here. I suppose "high maintenance" doesn't include loot boxes for fortnite, sports ticket/football packages for tv, etc. ? A new video game can cost as much as a nail or hair job. Let's make it fair.
To be clear, I don't actually care. I'll go down and get you the latest call of duty and you can pretend to care about my manicure. I don't even get this kind of stuff done at this point much, I just find it gross that women beauty hobbys are considered a dealbreaker but traditional men hobbies seem to be okay.
I refuse to date Homophobic people.
No kids or step kids or kids of any kind. I don't want any of my own either.
I refuse to get married. I don't believe in it.
No games. Particularly the 'I'm mad and I'm not going to tell you why.' I'm autistic, I will literally never figure it out. If you want to play games, then we may as well just end things now because I won't figure out what you want. And if I do, then I will leave. With my autism, this is just abusive.
I'm autistic too. Someone getting upset and yelling at me? OK. I get it. We all get emotional. At least you're telling me what's wrong so I can try to fix it.
Reciprocation during intimacy.
Peaceful problem-solving.
Emotional connection and support when I need help.
Financial responsibility. Know how to budget for monthly expenses. Prioritize needs vs wants. Avoid credit unless there's an actual plan to pay it back.
Monogamy.
Kindness.
Non-negotiable means game over, not talking about it, bye!
Cheating and hitting.
Everything else I’m willing to try to work things out. Doesn’t mean the relationship will work, but I’m willing to try!
Must have a career. If you won’t work, I don’t want you.
No cheating or physical abuse. If either of those things happen, I am leaving immediately. I left a cheater and have never regretted it.
I will get downvoted for this, but I don’t care. No pit bulls. I have severe trauma from childhood experience with a vicious pit bull and I am terrified of them. I have panic attacks whenever I see a pit bull. I had a crush on a guy, and was thrilled when he asked me out. When I found out he had a pit bull, that was an instant deal-breaker.
Since most comments have covered the main ones, I'll say 'turn taking' in conversations.
And more broadly: manners. The things that used to go without saying. Or at least back home
Emotional immaturity. If you can’t have a conversation about your emotions with me without self regulating them to some degree then we aren’t going to work, because I don’t get into a romantic partnership to be someone’s emotional punching bag.
For me it is expecting me to have bio children.
Recently broke up over this.
It was horrible to feel that I was only loved as long as he thought he could change me to birth him children.
Not considering how it would affect me, not considering my fears etc.
Some of the ones I wrote down in a journal when I was single so I could refer to them later if I was in love and wearing rose colored glasses:
Abuse of any kind
Has anger issues
Is manipulative
Is a liar
Has an addiction to substances, gambling, etc.
Has a criminal record
Is a smoker
Vastly different religious/political beliefs
Is lazy
Has cheated on someone before, or left a relationship for another person
I was firm with myself that if someone I was dating met any of these dealbreakers, I would have to break up with them. I feel like this list helped me find a fantastic husband. He's one of the most mature people I've ever met.
monogamy. forcing yourself to be "number one" in my life just because we're together. jealousy or control of any kind. you can be in touch with your emotions and emotionally available but that doesn't mean you should make decisions based off them.
I am a fairly flexible person on many things, but the person has to be safe to have a conflict with.
By this, I mean they can't be such a people pleaser that they can't say "no, I don't like this" or "I'm not ok with this" but also, they can't be explosive and mean. People who are afraid to speak up and make their needs known are very hard to have a relationship with and so are people that you can't speak up TO and make your needs known. We are grown ups. There's no need to ever raise our voices at each other or make ad hominem attacks meant to hurt each other. This is an instant no for me and it's only been an issue on a committed relationship once. I was young, he was young, neither one of us had ever seen a healthy relationship. That said, conflict will come up in any human relationship and the ability to competently and rationally navigate conflict is critically important to me.
He has to be politically aligned with me. We can disagree about things like tax rates and expenditures and other simple policy questions, but not human rights or human welfare issues.
No religious people, this simply doesn't work for me.
Lack of empathy is not something I am interested in for friends or partners.
No one one who is senselessly violent or a sexual predator.
Oh wow. Money management is a big thing for me but I get having financial stuff as long as you’re being responsible. My deal breakers will be more character based but being bad with money can literally ruin lives no joke
I’m assuming they mean like regularly paying large amounts of money to maintain looks- nails, lashes, hair, facials, etc. I don’t think the “salon” part is the issue.
I can understand that, but there's definitely a balance between not taking care of yourself at all and doing a bit too much. Personally I think all of this stuff is fine as long as you're good with your money, but if you have debt issues than I can absolutely hbd the problem
It’s absolutely fine for many people but it’s certainly more high maintenance than some people prefer and can be very expensive whether you have debts or not. When you choose to be with someone you eventually share expenses and I get why someone might not want to share the burden of paying a significant amount of money on superfluous salon expenses.
Also I think the gap between not taking care of yourself and doing too much is pretty large. You can do most self-maintenance at home with little to no cost.
Divorced (or married), has kids, on drugs, smokes, alcoholism, obese, no job, a loudmouth, won’t listen or compromise, causes drama, doesn’t want to take interest in my hobbies, treats others poorly.
AKA don’t be broken by your past or treat others poorly.
I don’t mind dating people with kids from a previous relationship despite not wanting kids, them wanting a replacement mother for those kids even if their actual mother is still in their lives is a red flag.
My criteria is probably common sense, but if I was dating a girl long term I'd have her spend a day with my sister, my sister has a superpower, ppl love telling her their secrets. If she said a girl is no good I'd dump her so fast.
LOTS of deal-breakers, but major character flaws that cannot be overlooked would be liars & disloyalty. Truthfulness & loyalty are the foundation for a healthy long term relationship.
But thankful I found my life-partner decades ago & raised well-grounded productive family. Inner & outer beauty...none of the "Jerry Springer Show" drama I commonly see here.
Not being in or having done a lot of work in therapy. We all have our own stuff and it's our responsibility to work through it. As they say, "people are in therapy b/c of the people who aren't in therapy."
Divorced guy here.
They must actually like to travel. All women say they do, but when it comes down to it, a lot of them don't like being uncomfortable, which happens often during travel. My ex was one of those women. We'd travel all the time, but she would always find something to complain about and it was somehow always my fault. Like I had to make sure she ate enough before a road trip since she got car sick.
I have a long list of deal-breakers but they aren’t really all that hard: bad credit, big debt, kids, crazy baby-mamas, crazy/big exes still in their daily life, bad financial management, no ambition, no hobbies, religious, drug issues, alcohol abuse, living beyond their means, lying, cheating, hitting, smothering me, mama’s boys, racists, sexists, but also men who expect me to do all the cleaning/cooking AND working, basically most of what everyone here said.
Oh! And jealousy—I work with all men and frequently attend guys’ night at the bar. It’s a work function, I do not flirt nor have bad intentions, they do not flirt with me nor disrespect me in any ways. Partner has to be okay with it, and they are always welcome to come along :)
*Being rude to servers or not decently tipping at a restuarant (unless the service has been atrocious). You can tell a lot from a person by how they behave around those who they feel are "lesser"
*Manipulation and Lying
*Testing or mind games.
*Refering to being in a relationship with someone as "training"... training is just another word for grooming, ya creep.
Delusional lying. Twisting the truth. My wife is gorgeous, smart, has a masters degree and is a BCBA and I’ve loved her since we were 12 and 13. I grew up in Juvenile Detention and went to prison right when I turned 18. Spent 9 years straight in prison. Did 2 SHU terms and wasn’t gonna comply with the integration of GP & SNY so I had to “get off” the yard on 2 separate occasions and that set me back of course from my release. I eventually got out and I’ve actually discharged parole. My mom killed herself right after being sent to prison and that has always been a problem for me and my wife because I just can’t get her out of my head. We shared a birthday and anyways it looks like lately my wife is gonna leave me for good. I there’s a lot I’m not saying but I do really love her but I feel like she’s constantly treating me like shit and kicking me when I’m down. I’ve been trying to get my life in order cuz I’ve had such a late start and she just seems to want something else and someone else that already has his life on track and has a house and things like that.
Gotta be an independent individual. None of this I gotta call my mom and ask. There’s some people that can’t live on their own while living on their own. Must have a car, job, ambitions, good spending habits, healthy diet and workout or Atleast respect that I wanna be healthy. I would prefer my partner to have open mindset on politics. I don’t like people who are easily influenced/gullible/unable to tell when they are being played and have the ability to communicate and say what they want and why if both sides aren’t understanding. Most of all drama free, no one is in highschool anymore. I would wait 3-5 years before I move in with someone.
Unsafe driving.
There are many, MANY more. But if you don't have respect enough for your own life, have respect for the life of those in your car and others on the road. Sure, accidents happen. But driving carelessly necause you cant be bothered to drive safely or youre showing off is an instant deal-breaker for me.
Having to be a secret for any reason for any period of time, and my free relationship testing trial period lasts 3 months which is a very generous comprehensive package that includes fun adventures sex friendship and the boyfriend experience. If an upgrade does not occur within this period you will be friendzoned forever if I like you or I won't talk to you anymore if I didn't
I ghosted a guy after a perfectly good date because near the end he admitted he didn’t have the job listed on his profile anymore and was working min wage. I can get with not making much but not lying about where you get your money.
Ooof my list is loooooong. But I’ll just mention the top ones. Biggest thing is empathy and respect for others, everyone is equal in my book and all humans are beautifully unique. Second is a decent IQ- I need a stimulating convo on occasion and I need to be on the same page with my partner. Being an atheist is probably number three, and same political views fourth. Being kind to animals. Cares about their health. Not too lazy but also likes to lounge around the house sometimes. Cares about the environment and has some humility. Doesn’t yell at me (I never yell, so it’s fair). A good sense of humor. Also not being addicted to heroin or meth or gambling, wanting a monogamous relationship, being within 20 years of my age, and not on any daily medications (the addictive ones anyway). I did find my spouse who checked all those boxes and far more I didn’t know I had haha. But those are my tops!
Emotional intelligence and availability. I can't stand people who can't communicate about how they feel, or be empathetic towards others.
Willingness to travel the world and follow me while I pursue my dream job. I've noticed that often, it's the wife folllwing the husband, so we'll be untraditional in that regard.
Speaking of such matters, he must be a feminist. He needn't protest for women's rights, be a hero, or be a radical misandrist, but he must be able to acknowledge the issues women face every day because of misogyny and be willing to discuss the topic without getting offended.
No animals. I'm deathly allergic to cats (I've been in the hospital for it, several times), and I'm allergic to dogs too.
No kids, since I wouldn't be able to use the medications I need for my chronic illnesses while pregnant (and again, they can be deadly, I've been rescucitated already), and because pregnancy can worsen my illnesses permanently.
I wouldn't date anyone who is homophobic, racist or sexist. Or anyone who is ok with cheating or who wants a non-monogamous relationship. Since I want marriage and children, I need someone who wants it too.
I wouldn't put up with someone who minimized my emotions, verbally (or physically) abused me, someone who wouldn't support me. I wouldn't tolerate a partner not pulling their own weight in a relationship and expecting me to do everything. I would break up on the spot if they in any way made me feel guilty for not wanting sex (this has never happened to me but seems to be quite common on reddit)
So, in conclusion: I only date people whose values and goals 100% match mine and who are in no way "toxic" (although I hate that word).
Smoking, I will not negotiate on this (was relevant to me recently!!)
Living with parents. I know it sounds mean, but I’ve had lots of negative experiences with people living with their parents and that always came first. For so long I tried to be flexible and accept “lives with parents, but has their own life”. This was almost never the case. Almost every man I’ve dated or considered dating (in my early 30s) who still lives at home, has a routine they follow with their parents every night (dinner, TV), has to do stuff around the house for his mom/dad. Absolutely not. I’m not dealing with that again. I will not come in second or third to your parents in terms of priority. Your parents are adults and you are an adult and the cord needs to be cut. You can have a good relationship with your parents but their needs to be boundaries. If the choices are helping your parents with some chores or hanging out with me, and you 100% choose to help with the chores, I’m out. I just am. Maybe it works for some people, but I’ve been burned enough to know this is a non negotiable.
Addiction of any kind. I’d go as far as saying even recovering addicts are a dealbreaker. I don’t want to be living in a constant anxiety of when they are going to relapse, and the ramifications of that. NO, thanks.
Also someone who works all the time. There has to be a balance since quality time is pertinent to a healthy relationship. If they prioritise their job over me/what we have then it probably won’t work out.
Doesn’t want children or is vague on where they stand on that. Bye. I want them.
Yup all of my male family members do that, tells people to off themselves and racial/homophobic slurs. They also spend stupid amounts of money on their games, smokes and even pees in bottles so they don’t have to come away from their computer. Will never willingly be around that again
Jealous of my chick friends that I’ve known for 10 years +
They were here first and as soon as you give me an ultimatum of them or you then you will automatically lose.
My ideal is someone who loves cats and is dedicated and patient. I’ve had a lot of mental health struggles so someone who can be patient and understanding if I start to spiral again. I’m clingy, so I need someone who prioritizes spending time with me, and makes me feel equally important to their friends and family, and makes me feel included in their circle. Someone who enjoys traveling, trying new restaurants, going to museums, concerts, ballets, musicals, etc! a person who appreciates the arts and the finer things in life :) and I guess more practically, no debt and excessive spending! just good money habits too. Luckily I found my person who meets all these goals :,)
I'm not going to consider women who were in open relationships or were polyamorous previously, any more. After dating two women who were in to that previously, I think that it speaks to a personality that views loyalty and settling in together in a different way than what I want. I let them convince me that it was about open-mindedness, but in hindsight I think it is more about novelty-seeking personality.
I tend to have dynamics these days, they’re like relationships with extra steps and we usually set our boundaries at the point of conception, although as we develop it’s okay to sit down and talk over making changes that we mutually agree on.
I used to play Polly within an ENM framework but honestly it feeds the ego far more then it feeds the soul and right now I’m looking to find something monogamous that satisfies both of our needs.
Might be an unpopular opinion but: someone who doesn’t have a relatively stable career/income.
I’ve been realizing lately how important money is in relationship dynamics. Not that i want a man to fully support me 100% of the time, but i need a partner who i can enjoy a similar lifestyle with. We both earn our keep and both parties are not fully dependent on the other. I grew up in a household where my mom had to give up her career to take care of us kids. Looking back, there was a lot of signs of financial abuse because only one party handled 100% of the household income.
Is it ok to have seasons where a partner doesn’t have a job and the other partner will have to take over? Of course. Life happens. That’s what partners are for.
I used to think i could be in a relationship with someone who isn’t financially stable, but based on a recent experience with a guy i was dating who i eventually realized i would have to fully support financially as he had no source of income/career track/no education to back any profession he may want to start, no thank you. Realized eventually that he was a leech who didn’t even help his mother with bills. If we ended up moving in together that woman would have been me. Glad that’s over.
Non-negotiable: Be in therapy.
Everyone is going through something, but the only people I want to date are actively trying to get a handle on whatever they're going through.
Dealbreaker: A lack of empathy.
Be kind to everyone you meet, show empathy, and I'll be able to trust that you'll be kind to me when we're apart. Empathetic people don't cheat.
I have so many, but I feel like a lot are common sense. I also have a four year old daughter, so I might be a little more cautious than most. My dealbreakers:
- Drug/alcohol abuse. Gambling. Steroids. Any addiction, really
- Smokers (including cannabis, chewing tobacco, or vapes)
- Violent crimes or an extensive criminal history
- Any protective orders against them
- Any signs of physically or emotionally abusive behavior, overly controlling, manipulative, etc.
- Bigotry, racism, sexism, etc.
- Hurting animals or children
- Anger issues or any severe, unresolved mental health problems
- Rude to service workers
- Extremely messy house or car
- Obesity. Sorry, but it’s not healthy
- Poor hygiene
- Face tattoos or piercings
- No career/constant unemployment
- Extreme or unjustifiable debt
- Emotionally unavailable
- Female best friend (sorry, I’ve been burned twice by this one. Female friends are fine but should be limited to mostly group events; I apply the same rule to myself)
- History of cheating/lying (more than white lies, of course)
- Non-monogamous
- “Pro-life”
- Anti-vaccine
- Asexual
- Extremely religious, especially of any cultish sects.
- Long distance
- Incompatible life goals
- No chemistry
- No friends
- More than one child living at home. I’d be happy to blend families, but I never wanted more than two kids because I grew up in a huge family and it was just too chaotic. Similarly, if they want more than one child with me, it would be a dealbreaker. I’d consider having one more, but that’s it.
Non-negotiables:
- Accepting and good with my daughter
- Family-oriented in general
- Intelligent, kind, honest, interesting, funny, successful, etc.
- Must love books and nature
- Some shared hobbies
- Close to my height, attractive to me
- Good at communicating
- Willing to work through things, not fight or give up
I’m probably forgetting some things, but oh well. It might seem like a lot, but it can basically be summed up as “I expect my partner to be my equal.” And luckily, I’ve found that! I consider myself very lucky to have found my perfect match. Of course no one is truly perfect, but I believe he’s perfect for me. Proof that having high standards is a good thing, even—or especially—as a single parent. I wouldn’t settle for anyone less.
separated but not divorced living with their ex so hung up on their ex they can't be happy about us prioritizes their ex over me (See a pattern? Sounds common sense, right?) wants me to be a secret in any way for any reason Nobody with kids Decides to have sex/a relationship/sharing nudes/ flirting with other people. A user or manipulator Someone who talks badly about everyone, especially their friends and ex partners
So many of what you mentioned i consider common sense to not be allowed in relationship. It scares me that you actually have to explain this to some people.
>separated but not divorced Is this list ordered by importance? because i never saw this as being very important. it takes a minimum of 6 months before you can divorce in some places and can take up to 5 years depending on the complexity. if this was at the top of everyone's non-negotiable list, some people wouldn't be able to date for years.
In Ireland you aren't legally able to start divorce proceedings before you are two years separated. Recently enough it was 5 years.
If it was a situation like that where they legally couldn't, but they were living apart and had every intent to divorce as soon as possible, and had every necessary piece of paperwork filed, then I'd definitely make an exception.
I feel the same way. Like legally separated and living apart would be enough for me. I have a friend who left her ex-husband 7 years ago but between financial constraints of caring for their children with no support, him refusing to cooperate with the divorce and going on the lam she just hasn’t been able to get legally divorced and it honestly just wasn’t the priority either because her time and money went to the kids. She has been with her boyfriend for 4 years now though. I really don’t think her being technically married on paper matters to either of them. She is trying to divorce her ex in absentia now though because her and the boyfriend want to get married. Her kids are over 18 now and she has more time and funds to put into paying a lawyer and officially getting the divorce.
It's very often a manipulative ploy to keep a sidepiece without having to get divorced
omfg the one about being a secret in any way for any reason... two members of my friend group are dating and it's the world's worst kept secret. They don't think we know but we know. It kinda pisses me off, bc do they think we'll be angry they're dating? No, we'll be happy until shit starts to hit the fan and if you keep it a secret THAT's when it'll be "revealed"...
Poor hygiene and dirty clothes.
Testing. If you feel like you have to test your partner in a relationship, either you have trust issues that are ultimately going to destroy the relationship or you're a manipulative person who enjoys making others squirm. Either way, you're not fit for a relationship IMO. Edit for clarity: And I don't mean testing for STDs. That's a no brainer.
Glad I saw this. Just started dating a girl recently and yesterday she openly admitted to testing me about whether I would offer to do some stuff around her house for her. Starting to have second thoughts about her tbh
Starting!?!?!?! Re-read what you wrote! Has she been doing stuff around your house for you? Is this a mutually reciprocal relationship based on care and understanding?
Adding on to this that when people tell you about the test, that means it’s more than just a test. It’s now also a manipulation. If someone tested you and you failed to meet their standards then they’d leave. But she wants you to *know* that you failed. This is the start of a bad pattern.
Yup, I haven't been tested, but If I did get tested, that would be an instant breakup. Adults use words and communicate. You can just ask to learn about me.
Hey HumpsMagee, thank you for the comment. I ended my relationship last month with someone who was not very nice to me. He openly admitted that he “set me up” to see what I would do in a situation. I failed and he stormed out on me and didn’t talk to me for 2 days. That’s when I ended it. I had never had someone treat me that way before.
It's unfortunate that some folks have to carry around things that make them behave in such ways. So many of them could be doing so much more.
I don't trust anyone. I get tested every 6 months. Been there, done that.
If your mother starts treating me like the other woman, I am out.
That shit is CRAZY to me. My spouse's mom did this and she criticizes and ignores the fuck out of him. He had no time for it and we went no contact but like, bitch didn't even like him and still treated him like her spouse WTF. I guess she did that to his dad, and that's why he left her ass too.
Right, I’ll never understand it! Some of these women are WEIRD and need to seek help immediately.
She told him she wasn't comfortable talking to me until I had therapy and I was like, oh honey I've been in it for twenty years. It's YOUR turn.
Why do they do this? It’s so common, and it’s wild. I swear it’s so normalized that it’s almost taboo to even address it.
It's that generational trauma, and I was definitely ostracized by his family for pointing out when they did crazy stuff like this.
Your spouse's mom criticised and ignored your spouse?
Yeah, his whole life. She's religious and always wanted a daughter, I think, and she got four sons. My spouse was her youngest son and she just like gave up caring about her kids at that point. He was so neglected in his childhood.
I see. It's just that the comment you commented on talked about being treated like the other woman ny her would be mother in law, so in your case it would be your man's mother being mean to you :p was a bit confused
Yes, she was mean and hateful to me even though she ignored him relentlessly most of his life. It was very weird and confusing.
My mom is like this and I resent her for all the relationships she’s ruined
I’m sorry to hear that. That dynamic is so hard to navigate
I’m childfree and always have been. When I was single I purposely avoided single Dad’s or men who’ve had kids. My ridiculous Aunt would ask “what if Mr. Perfect had kids? Would you just stop dating him because of that?” Yeah, I would. If he was Mr. Perfect he wouldn’t have kids. It’s that simple.
Financial independence is definitely a big one. I’m pretty frugal and like to save my money for large ticket items instead of small spending every day. Definitely want to find someone with a similar mindset.
I respect that, it's better to know what you want and look for that.
Have a spine and be able to say no. And have a healthy relationship with alcohol The second one isn’t very common especially in the uk
This has been a big problem for me. So many people drink a lot. Being borderline alcoholic is considered normal. I don’t mind if they have a beer after work but I’m honestly fed up of having people getting so drunk at home on a Thursday they’re stumbling, or getting home wasted at 3am on the weekends. And then there’s the horrible breath that comes with it. It’s hard to find fun, chilled out people who don’t drink.
Here in the US it’s pretty common too. I have a theory that the industrial world prefers everyone be on two drugs; coffee in the morning, and beer or wine in the evening. Neither is inherently bad but good lord people over use both lmao
Kind of a nerdy reply but in Anno 2070, the ultra-industrialists drink of choice is liquor while the environmentally conscious's is tea. I'm not sure why that stuck with me, but yea :/ Maybe life just isn't all it can be in our world.
One coworker at my old shop (current work does UA and breathalyzer for some jobs) bragged about smoking a joint and smashing a whole 12 pack every night. At that point is it even safe to drive the next morning?
Yeah it's always really exciting and refreshing when I find other people who don't drink. It's so boring to me when someone thinks the only way to socialize is to go out and get drunk. Even though I could go with them and sit there without drinking, that's not fun. I don't enjoy being around drunk people.
Big problem in the USA as well. Listen to country music and see how many songs you can get without mentioning whiskey or beer. For many it’s the default drink.
Absolutely addiction to any controlled substance is a automatic hell no for me. And cigarettes smoking.
Assuming that just because we're in a relationship, we're in whatever relationship they imagined in their head without actually communicating boundaries and expectations
Good one
Deal breakers : - sexual incompatibility - hard drugs - lying / cheating - not being able to have open conversations - not being able to admit when wrong
One of the best answers so far
So…are you single? Do you like wrestling? /s
Nah sorry married 14 years now .:p
Mazel tov
No drama, no lies, no bullshittery. Been there done that. Also, no difficult kids that I haven't bonded with and don't like. I'm too old now, and in a stable relationship... but I once dated a guy for almost a month before he dropped the bomb that he had 5...yes, FIVE!-- kids !--all 12 and under.. and he said 2 had "behavioral problems" as he explained it..then looked at me and said... "I'm a package deal!---" lmao...I said absolutely not, I've raised MINE, I ain't raising no more, and we broke up almost immediately. His "package deal" was both a surprise and a deal breaker. Idk why guys hide this shit so hard then act hurt when women aren't EVEN interested to go that route. Another story,: I once dated a guy I thought was Mr. PERFECT. Dated him 4 months. We always went out elsewhere on dates or he'd come to my house, I knew he had a dad who lived with him, and thought maybe the dad didn't approve of him bringing women home, but dumbass me never questioned it too hard, I was always just happy to be with him no matter where we went. Then one day, he disappeared, I couldn't get him to text, my calls went unanswered, he just was (I thought) ghosting me.. Come to find out, on the 4th day I sent him a message, I said..either call and talk to me, or I WILL COME THERE. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. The truth was..he'd been in the hospital unconscious and had had a pretty severe heart attack, (he was only in his 40s) and bc of the "shituation" the truth came out. His crazy crack qddict ex-wife, who he'd told me horror stories about...was living in his BASEMENT ...HE said the only reason he was still with her is bc he was on her military insurance and was not going to give that up. So now I knew why he never had me at his house. I broke that off instantly.
Wow, the last part of the second story you shared left me with my mouth hanging open. I've heard stories of people staying with someone they no longer love or should be in a relationship with to keep their benefits or the health insurance is good. I'm sure you're glad you only lost 4 months and not a year or longer. Don't think he'd be able to keep up hiding his ex-wife in his basement for years, but who knows! haha
I know a couple who stayed married in name only for military medical benefits. They lived in different states and never saw each other again after they split up.
I know I'd rather stay with my husband for love (that's my current situation), but I can understand the rationale behind staying with someone to keep receiving benefits. My dad was in the military and the medical benefits have been life-saving for him. I no longer live in the US full-time and I'm still recovering from how our healthcare system is set up.
You by chance live in Florida? You sound like you care in contact with my friends dads
im a so sorry 🤣🤣 but that is crazy it’s funny wow
Being highly religious, a momma's boy that will always be under his mom's thumb. Smokers, no ambition in life, not being mindful with their finance.
Drug users, someone who spends way too much time talking about himself and doesn't ask about you once, says awful things about all of his exes, is rude to servers and employees, makes derogatory comments about people due to their financial status.
Is rude to servers - totally relatable I am working in IT, so better be careful and pleasing to servers.
😂 😂 😂 😂
So anyone rich, got it😂 /s
Not being honest, lying, cheating, etc. not being up my butt 24/7 OR wanting me to be with them 24/7. I need me time! Hygiene. Don't be a stinky mess. Shower, brush your teeth regularly, use deodorant, that kind of thing. Financial saavy. Have plans for retirement, be able to pay your bills, and so on. Completely opposite political views from mine. Especially in this day and age. Treat me as your equal, not property, and don't insult my intelligence. Outdated views on the role of women vs. men, i.e. men work, women stay home and in the kitchen. NOPE. Be willing to compromise, esp. on bigger things. Like vacations. My BF would be perfectly happy at a resort, sitting on the beach or by the pool for a week. Me? I need to DO things, SEE things. so we do both when we travel.
This is the perfect example of self awareness and emotional intelligence. You aren't asking for anything than basic stuff, and it sucks that it has to be put out there like that. I'm confident you'll find someone who complements your views and expectations (if you haven't already). Thanks for sharing!!
I have and thank you! We met later in life, been together almost 5years and he is amazing. He checks off all these boxes, and then some. Yes, he annoys me at times, but I do him, and whenever we do, we are mature enough to talk about it. Haven't had a fight yet! Minor disagreements, but ntohing more.
No drugs, cheating, asking for an open relationship, and constantly suspicious of what I'm doing/where I'm going/who I'm with when I'm not doing anything or have never given any reason in the past regarding faithfulness.
That's about right. Can't argue with any of those.
What is your Definition of “no drugs” here ? Just hard drugs like cocaine or heroine and the like or no light drugs such as weed and booze ? Or no super light stuff like coffee and Tylenol?
dealbreakers: cheating, anger issues, rude to service workers, doesn't want to travel, heavy drugs, lying
Being the side chick. Never again.
Not much,but able to save money for emergency and herself in case something happens to me.Be fine with a normal life and I am all for gaining fat but not to a point it will make life difficult.Same for me as well. I don't drink but if she like a few in the weekend or on special occasion fine by me as long as it is with moderation.
racism sexism
It's not the only one but a huge one for me is: Must be willing, able and happy to be by themselves/entertain themselves some evenings/weekend days. I need my own space and time to decompress from the day that might mean a few evenings a week I don't want to speak, just read for a few hours. I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with someone who was needy and not independent. Another one would be must enjoy adventures. Especially hiking/long walks in nature but a willingness to try things is a must. Otherwise would be boring.
Men who talk about sex instantly. You’re supposed to atleast be a domesticated animal; Act like it.
You guys are getting into relationships?
Wanting children.
Not wanting kids
Lack of effort with communication and comprehension. Otherwise I can deal with quite a bit.
No Cheating, any form of abuse, no open relationships ( or otherwise adding another person), and or no addictions that are messing up your life.
She’s gotta come from struggle or have mental health issues. I need someone that can relate to me
You can fix her.
Naw she can stay the way she is I need instability
Drugs, smoking, gambling and mama's boy are non-negotiable. Occasional alcohol is ok. Occasional cannabis for sleep and pain relief is ok. The other basic rules not to be broken are: abuse (physical, sexual, emotional and financial), cheating, and lying.
It kinda all boils down to one trait…lack of self awareness
Has or wants kids. Smoker. No personality. No hobbies or close friends.
Jealousy and not being able to do things separately. We all need weekends away or nights out with our friends.
Respect when fighting is a MUST. If they name call or yell at me, I’m out. Been through that shit before, and it’s unacceptable going forward. Non-reciprocal behavior is also unacceptable. We’re a team.
I also have absolutely zero tolerance for yelling. Like what the hell is that supposed to accomplish?
If she's got a penis..that's a deal breaker.
What if her penis is smaller than yours?
Highly unlikely... \*sad noises\*
Messiness. I have no interest in being my partners mom and nagging over stupid crap that every adult knows how to do.
FOR REAL lmao why is this so normalized
My phone is for my convenience. I refuse to let anyone, my partner or my family shame me or emotionally manipulate me for not being available when they think I should. It's a stand I've had to take in almost every relationship. I don't check my phone constantly and if I go to an event, I am at the event and not on my phone. I refuse to be held to a communication standard of constant checking in because of someone else's insecurity.
I find it really funny to see some of the dealbreakers in here. I suppose "high maintenance" doesn't include loot boxes for fortnite, sports ticket/football packages for tv, etc. ? A new video game can cost as much as a nail or hair job. Let's make it fair. To be clear, I don't actually care. I'll go down and get you the latest call of duty and you can pretend to care about my manicure. I don't even get this kind of stuff done at this point much, I just find it gross that women beauty hobbys are considered a dealbreaker but traditional men hobbies seem to be okay.
Being a maga trump supporter
Dishonesty and not making an effort.
Jealous and insecurity are immediate dealbreakers. Also wouldn't ever date someone who overshares personal information on social media.
Disrespect and all that comes with it.
Had to scroll WAY TOO FAR to find this one
Someone who has kids already, someone who’s pro-life, alcoholics, controls what I wear or do, not kind to me at all
I refuse to date Homophobic people. No kids or step kids or kids of any kind. I don't want any of my own either. I refuse to get married. I don't believe in it.
No games. Particularly the 'I'm mad and I'm not going to tell you why.' I'm autistic, I will literally never figure it out. If you want to play games, then we may as well just end things now because I won't figure out what you want. And if I do, then I will leave. With my autism, this is just abusive.
I'm autistic too. Someone getting upset and yelling at me? OK. I get it. We all get emotional. At least you're telling me what's wrong so I can try to fix it.
Exactly, I can't do the guessing game.
Reciprocation during intimacy. Peaceful problem-solving. Emotional connection and support when I need help. Financial responsibility. Know how to budget for monthly expenses. Prioritize needs vs wants. Avoid credit unless there's an actual plan to pay it back. Monogamy. Kindness.
Non-negotiable means game over, not talking about it, bye! Cheating and hitting. Everything else I’m willing to try to work things out. Doesn’t mean the relationship will work, but I’m willing to try!
Being inconsistent
I don’t want kids, either my own or anyone else’s, I won’t date the religious, and I don’t want a relationship in which I’m “the provider”.
Must have a career. If you won’t work, I don’t want you. No cheating or physical abuse. If either of those things happen, I am leaving immediately. I left a cheater and have never regretted it. I will get downvoted for this, but I don’t care. No pit bulls. I have severe trauma from childhood experience with a vicious pit bull and I am terrified of them. I have panic attacks whenever I see a pit bull. I had a crush on a guy, and was thrilled when he asked me out. When I found out he had a pit bull, that was an instant deal-breaker.
Since most comments have covered the main ones, I'll say 'turn taking' in conversations. And more broadly: manners. The things that used to go without saying. Or at least back home
Lying, no ambition in life, infidelity issues, divorced/with kids (I'm 23)
Emotional immaturity. If you can’t have a conversation about your emotions with me without self regulating them to some degree then we aren’t going to work, because I don’t get into a romantic partnership to be someone’s emotional punching bag.
Anyone who takes relationship advice from Reddit
For me it is expecting me to have bio children. Recently broke up over this. It was horrible to feel that I was only loved as long as he thought he could change me to birth him children. Not considering how it would affect me, not considering my fears etc.
Ugly toes.
Stop it. 😂
Respect. Loyalty. Both ways, if we can't view each other as complex, independent and capable people. Then we would have no business being together.
Alcohol, smoking or drugs no thank you The rest is common sense
addiction, not wanting kids, poor hygiene, lots of debt, too needy
Being disrespected by their adult children complaining about it and told to shut up. Bye bye.
If you're terrible at communicating, then I'm out. I may stick it out, but if I see a pattern, yeah, I'm out. Also, hygiene.
Ex drug addict. Chances of a relapse is extremely high
Some of the ones I wrote down in a journal when I was single so I could refer to them later if I was in love and wearing rose colored glasses: Abuse of any kind Has anger issues Is manipulative Is a liar Has an addiction to substances, gambling, etc. Has a criminal record Is a smoker Vastly different religious/political beliefs Is lazy Has cheated on someone before, or left a relationship for another person I was firm with myself that if someone I was dating met any of these dealbreakers, I would have to break up with them. I feel like this list helped me find a fantastic husband. He's one of the most mature people I've ever met.
monogamy. forcing yourself to be "number one" in my life just because we're together. jealousy or control of any kind. you can be in touch with your emotions and emotionally available but that doesn't mean you should make decisions based off them.
I am a fairly flexible person on many things, but the person has to be safe to have a conflict with. By this, I mean they can't be such a people pleaser that they can't say "no, I don't like this" or "I'm not ok with this" but also, they can't be explosive and mean. People who are afraid to speak up and make their needs known are very hard to have a relationship with and so are people that you can't speak up TO and make your needs known. We are grown ups. There's no need to ever raise our voices at each other or make ad hominem attacks meant to hurt each other. This is an instant no for me and it's only been an issue on a committed relationship once. I was young, he was young, neither one of us had ever seen a healthy relationship. That said, conflict will come up in any human relationship and the ability to competently and rationally navigate conflict is critically important to me. He has to be politically aligned with me. We can disagree about things like tax rates and expenditures and other simple policy questions, but not human rights or human welfare issues. No religious people, this simply doesn't work for me. Lack of empathy is not something I am interested in for friends or partners. No one one who is senselessly violent or a sexual predator.
Bad credit, big debt, going to salons…high maintenance. I stay away from these type.
Oh wow. Money management is a big thing for me but I get having financial stuff as long as you’re being responsible. My deal breakers will be more character based but being bad with money can literally ruin lives no joke
Same here. Men who have high car payment just because they want to have that fancy car.
My car is 20 years old and I pay less than $90 a month for insurance in a city that has really high rates. How you doin?
What's wrong with salons?
I’m assuming they mean like regularly paying large amounts of money to maintain looks- nails, lashes, hair, facials, etc. I don’t think the “salon” part is the issue.
I can understand that, but there's definitely a balance between not taking care of yourself at all and doing a bit too much. Personally I think all of this stuff is fine as long as you're good with your money, but if you have debt issues than I can absolutely hbd the problem
It’s absolutely fine for many people but it’s certainly more high maintenance than some people prefer and can be very expensive whether you have debts or not. When you choose to be with someone you eventually share expenses and I get why someone might not want to share the burden of paying a significant amount of money on superfluous salon expenses. Also I think the gap between not taking care of yourself and doing too much is pretty large. You can do most self-maintenance at home with little to no cost.
Divorced (or married), has kids, on drugs, smokes, alcoholism, obese, no job, a loudmouth, won’t listen or compromise, causes drama, doesn’t want to take interest in my hobbies, treats others poorly. AKA don’t be broken by your past or treat others poorly.
I don’t mind dating people with kids from a previous relationship despite not wanting kids, them wanting a replacement mother for those kids even if their actual mother is still in their lives is a red flag.
My criteria is probably common sense, but if I was dating a girl long term I'd have her spend a day with my sister, my sister has a superpower, ppl love telling her their secrets. If she said a girl is no good I'd dump her so fast.
Having kids. If you want kids it's fine by me, but you'll need to have them with someone else
LOTS of deal-breakers, but major character flaws that cannot be overlooked would be liars & disloyalty. Truthfulness & loyalty are the foundation for a healthy long term relationship. But thankful I found my life-partner decades ago & raised well-grounded productive family. Inner & outer beauty...none of the "Jerry Springer Show" drama I commonly see here.
You can’t get super out of shape. Gain 20 pounds? We can work on it. If you don’t want to work on it, bye bye.
Not being in or having done a lot of work in therapy. We all have our own stuff and it's our responsibility to work through it. As they say, "people are in therapy b/c of the people who aren't in therapy."
Divorced guy here. They must actually like to travel. All women say they do, but when it comes down to it, a lot of them don't like being uncomfortable, which happens often during travel. My ex was one of those women. We'd travel all the time, but she would always find something to complain about and it was somehow always my fault. Like I had to make sure she ate enough before a road trip since she got car sick.
Using drugs, letting other people have a huge say in how our relationship operates, cheating, alcoholic, addicted to drama.
Honesty is everything to me. I think I can walk through anything with a person if I trust them fully.
I used to think it was ‘being accountable financially to your partner’
I think mine would take up 500 pages at this point.
I have a long list of deal-breakers but they aren’t really all that hard: bad credit, big debt, kids, crazy baby-mamas, crazy/big exes still in their daily life, bad financial management, no ambition, no hobbies, religious, drug issues, alcohol abuse, living beyond their means, lying, cheating, hitting, smothering me, mama’s boys, racists, sexists, but also men who expect me to do all the cleaning/cooking AND working, basically most of what everyone here said.
Oh! And jealousy—I work with all men and frequently attend guys’ night at the bar. It’s a work function, I do not flirt nor have bad intentions, they do not flirt with me nor disrespect me in any ways. Partner has to be okay with it, and they are always welcome to come along :)
*Being rude to servers or not decently tipping at a restuarant (unless the service has been atrocious). You can tell a lot from a person by how they behave around those who they feel are "lesser" *Manipulation and Lying *Testing or mind games. *Refering to being in a relationship with someone as "training"... training is just another word for grooming, ya creep.
Delusional lying. Twisting the truth. My wife is gorgeous, smart, has a masters degree and is a BCBA and I’ve loved her since we were 12 and 13. I grew up in Juvenile Detention and went to prison right when I turned 18. Spent 9 years straight in prison. Did 2 SHU terms and wasn’t gonna comply with the integration of GP & SNY so I had to “get off” the yard on 2 separate occasions and that set me back of course from my release. I eventually got out and I’ve actually discharged parole. My mom killed herself right after being sent to prison and that has always been a problem for me and my wife because I just can’t get her out of my head. We shared a birthday and anyways it looks like lately my wife is gonna leave me for good. I there’s a lot I’m not saying but I do really love her but I feel like she’s constantly treating me like shit and kicking me when I’m down. I’ve been trying to get my life in order cuz I’ve had such a late start and she just seems to want something else and someone else that already has his life on track and has a house and things like that.
Any hint of dishonesty, lack of empathy, narcissism, smokes cigarettes, alcoholic, or drug addiction. Thats a big no from me. ✂️✂️✂️
Smoking and tattoos
Must be Childfree. Ideally someone of the same faith as an overall better compatibility, but overall I’m not too fussed, especially at my age of 32.
Being rude to servers or waiters, disrespectful to law-enforcement or police officers, rude to any type of store employee.
Gotta be an independent individual. None of this I gotta call my mom and ask. There’s some people that can’t live on their own while living on their own. Must have a car, job, ambitions, good spending habits, healthy diet and workout or Atleast respect that I wanna be healthy. I would prefer my partner to have open mindset on politics. I don’t like people who are easily influenced/gullible/unable to tell when they are being played and have the ability to communicate and say what they want and why if both sides aren’t understanding. Most of all drama free, no one is in highschool anymore. I would wait 3-5 years before I move in with someone.
Unsafe driving. There are many, MANY more. But if you don't have respect enough for your own life, have respect for the life of those in your car and others on the road. Sure, accidents happen. But driving carelessly necause you cant be bothered to drive safely or youre showing off is an instant deal-breaker for me.
Having to be a secret for any reason for any period of time, and my free relationship testing trial period lasts 3 months which is a very generous comprehensive package that includes fun adventures sex friendship and the boyfriend experience. If an upgrade does not occur within this period you will be friendzoned forever if I like you or I won't talk to you anymore if I didn't
Anger and angry overreactions.
I ghosted a guy after a perfectly good date because near the end he admitted he didn’t have the job listed on his profile anymore and was working min wage. I can get with not making much but not lying about where you get your money.
Ooof my list is loooooong. But I’ll just mention the top ones. Biggest thing is empathy and respect for others, everyone is equal in my book and all humans are beautifully unique. Second is a decent IQ- I need a stimulating convo on occasion and I need to be on the same page with my partner. Being an atheist is probably number three, and same political views fourth. Being kind to animals. Cares about their health. Not too lazy but also likes to lounge around the house sometimes. Cares about the environment and has some humility. Doesn’t yell at me (I never yell, so it’s fair). A good sense of humor. Also not being addicted to heroin or meth or gambling, wanting a monogamous relationship, being within 20 years of my age, and not on any daily medications (the addictive ones anyway). I did find my spouse who checked all those boxes and far more I didn’t know I had haha. But those are my tops!
no anti-Christians or disrespecting any religion no sex before being in love and married no cheaters no addictions to alcohol or drugs(weed included)
I wouldn't date someone who does drugs at all (weed included) even if they're not addicted. And the less alcohol the better
Emotional intelligence and availability. I can't stand people who can't communicate about how they feel, or be empathetic towards others. Willingness to travel the world and follow me while I pursue my dream job. I've noticed that often, it's the wife folllwing the husband, so we'll be untraditional in that regard. Speaking of such matters, he must be a feminist. He needn't protest for women's rights, be a hero, or be a radical misandrist, but he must be able to acknowledge the issues women face every day because of misogyny and be willing to discuss the topic without getting offended. No animals. I'm deathly allergic to cats (I've been in the hospital for it, several times), and I'm allergic to dogs too. No kids, since I wouldn't be able to use the medications I need for my chronic illnesses while pregnant (and again, they can be deadly, I've been rescucitated already), and because pregnancy can worsen my illnesses permanently.
Kids
I wouldn't date anyone who is homophobic, racist or sexist. Or anyone who is ok with cheating or who wants a non-monogamous relationship. Since I want marriage and children, I need someone who wants it too. I wouldn't put up with someone who minimized my emotions, verbally (or physically) abused me, someone who wouldn't support me. I wouldn't tolerate a partner not pulling their own weight in a relationship and expecting me to do everything. I would break up on the spot if they in any way made me feel guilty for not wanting sex (this has never happened to me but seems to be quite common on reddit) So, in conclusion: I only date people whose values and goals 100% match mine and who are in no way "toxic" (although I hate that word).
Smoking, I will not negotiate on this (was relevant to me recently!!) Living with parents. I know it sounds mean, but I’ve had lots of negative experiences with people living with their parents and that always came first. For so long I tried to be flexible and accept “lives with parents, but has their own life”. This was almost never the case. Almost every man I’ve dated or considered dating (in my early 30s) who still lives at home, has a routine they follow with their parents every night (dinner, TV), has to do stuff around the house for his mom/dad. Absolutely not. I’m not dealing with that again. I will not come in second or third to your parents in terms of priority. Your parents are adults and you are an adult and the cord needs to be cut. You can have a good relationship with your parents but their needs to be boundaries. If the choices are helping your parents with some chores or hanging out with me, and you 100% choose to help with the chores, I’m out. I just am. Maybe it works for some people, but I’ve been burned enough to know this is a non negotiable.
Posting on TikTok actively. This attention whoring has been becoming really annoying and dangerous imo.
Addiction of any kind. I’d go as far as saying even recovering addicts are a dealbreaker. I don’t want to be living in a constant anxiety of when they are going to relapse, and the ramifications of that. NO, thanks. Also someone who works all the time. There has to be a balance since quality time is pertinent to a healthy relationship. If they prioritise their job over me/what we have then it probably won’t work out. Doesn’t want children or is vague on where they stand on that. Bye. I want them.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who likes to travel. I hate traveling.
Hate smokers/drinkers and gamers. I like the quiet boring life.
As a gamer i like the boring quiet life.
Depends on the games you play. I’ve seen people shit talk and scream at their monitors and tvs when they game.
Yup all of my male family members do that, tells people to off themselves and racial/homophobic slurs. They also spend stupid amounts of money on their games, smokes and even pees in bottles so they don’t have to come away from their computer. Will never willingly be around that again
With all due respect, gamers also like the quiet boring life.
Same hereee. Quiet, boring, but peaceful life is very much better.
Jealous of my chick friends that I’ve known for 10 years + They were here first and as soon as you give me an ultimatum of them or you then you will automatically lose.
No Cheating and Must be a Female....
My ideal is someone who loves cats and is dedicated and patient. I’ve had a lot of mental health struggles so someone who can be patient and understanding if I start to spiral again. I’m clingy, so I need someone who prioritizes spending time with me, and makes me feel equally important to their friends and family, and makes me feel included in their circle. Someone who enjoys traveling, trying new restaurants, going to museums, concerts, ballets, musicals, etc! a person who appreciates the arts and the finer things in life :) and I guess more practically, no debt and excessive spending! just good money habits too. Luckily I found my person who meets all these goals :,)
Smoking, no way that will work with a non smoker like me
Kids. Means an ex will be in the picture and thats a hard no.
Kids. Seriously, if you want a family, don't waste your time on me.
Must not want kids Must not have been married before Must not smoke
Cannot be allergic to or dislike cats.
I'm not going to consider women who were in open relationships or were polyamorous previously, any more. After dating two women who were in to that previously, I think that it speaks to a personality that views loyalty and settling in together in a different way than what I want. I let them convince me that it was about open-mindedness, but in hindsight I think it is more about novelty-seeking personality.
I tend to have dynamics these days, they’re like relationships with extra steps and we usually set our boundaries at the point of conception, although as we develop it’s okay to sit down and talk over making changes that we mutually agree on. I used to play Polly within an ENM framework but honestly it feeds the ego far more then it feeds the soul and right now I’m looking to find something monogamous that satisfies both of our needs.
Yells at me. Has an active addiction to drugs/alcohol. Does not drink at all. Has consistent low libido. Expects monogamy.
Poor hygiene, wanting to have kids, and wanting to have sex (with me). I'm fine if my partner sleeps with somebody else, but I'm not up for it
Might be an unpopular opinion but: someone who doesn’t have a relatively stable career/income. I’ve been realizing lately how important money is in relationship dynamics. Not that i want a man to fully support me 100% of the time, but i need a partner who i can enjoy a similar lifestyle with. We both earn our keep and both parties are not fully dependent on the other. I grew up in a household where my mom had to give up her career to take care of us kids. Looking back, there was a lot of signs of financial abuse because only one party handled 100% of the household income. Is it ok to have seasons where a partner doesn’t have a job and the other partner will have to take over? Of course. Life happens. That’s what partners are for. I used to think i could be in a relationship with someone who isn’t financially stable, but based on a recent experience with a guy i was dating who i eventually realized i would have to fully support financially as he had no source of income/career track/no education to back any profession he may want to start, no thank you. Realized eventually that he was a leech who didn’t even help his mother with bills. If we ended up moving in together that woman would have been me. Glad that’s over.
Honestly if an ex or FWB are too much in his life, I can't do that. Is that too unrealistic? I think not!
Non-negotiable: Be in therapy. Everyone is going through something, but the only people I want to date are actively trying to get a handle on whatever they're going through. Dealbreaker: A lack of empathy. Be kind to everyone you meet, show empathy, and I'll be able to trust that you'll be kind to me when we're apart. Empathetic people don't cheat.
I have so many, but I feel like a lot are common sense. I also have a four year old daughter, so I might be a little more cautious than most. My dealbreakers: - Drug/alcohol abuse. Gambling. Steroids. Any addiction, really - Smokers (including cannabis, chewing tobacco, or vapes) - Violent crimes or an extensive criminal history - Any protective orders against them - Any signs of physically or emotionally abusive behavior, overly controlling, manipulative, etc. - Bigotry, racism, sexism, etc. - Hurting animals or children - Anger issues or any severe, unresolved mental health problems - Rude to service workers - Extremely messy house or car - Obesity. Sorry, but it’s not healthy - Poor hygiene - Face tattoos or piercings - No career/constant unemployment - Extreme or unjustifiable debt - Emotionally unavailable - Female best friend (sorry, I’ve been burned twice by this one. Female friends are fine but should be limited to mostly group events; I apply the same rule to myself) - History of cheating/lying (more than white lies, of course) - Non-monogamous - “Pro-life” - Anti-vaccine - Asexual - Extremely religious, especially of any cultish sects. - Long distance - Incompatible life goals - No chemistry - No friends - More than one child living at home. I’d be happy to blend families, but I never wanted more than two kids because I grew up in a huge family and it was just too chaotic. Similarly, if they want more than one child with me, it would be a dealbreaker. I’d consider having one more, but that’s it. Non-negotiables: - Accepting and good with my daughter - Family-oriented in general - Intelligent, kind, honest, interesting, funny, successful, etc. - Must love books and nature - Some shared hobbies - Close to my height, attractive to me - Good at communicating - Willing to work through things, not fight or give up I’m probably forgetting some things, but oh well. It might seem like a lot, but it can basically be summed up as “I expect my partner to be my equal.” And luckily, I’ve found that! I consider myself very lucky to have found my perfect match. Of course no one is truly perfect, but I believe he’s perfect for me. Proof that having high standards is a good thing, even—or especially—as a single parent. I wouldn’t settle for anyone less.
I'm pretty open but if she was a Zionist I would not be associated.
physical abuse from a female it happens a fuckload and dudes never talk about it!
Unwilling to give blow jobs