Here is what you do
You don't brush this controlling behavior off, you leave him cause you are young and a controlling relationships like that is not love, and you go to your swimming party with your bathing suit
The "I won't trust you again" thing is a clear manipulation tactic, and it's just going to get worst if you stay in this relationship, break up with him, you'll find someone better
Every essence of my being hopes OP takes this advice. I know loneliness is scary and the idea of feeling loved is wonderful, but that boy-child is incapable of loving you. He sees you as some kind of clay that he can control and mold into “his ideal partner” which on so many levels is toxic.
Controlling people NEED to get burned they NEED to get hurt and know it was a DIRECT result of their controlling behaviour. The longer you tolerate this behaviour the more it teaches him it works and is a way he can get what he wants. You two breaking up is an inevitability so you’re not only hurting yourself here but any woman that is misfortunate enough to end up with your current turd. Someone who controls you and gets what they want will never breakup with you unless it’s a manipulation tactic to get their noose of control tighter around your neck. Get the hell out of there and slander the hell out of that boy-child.
You can control your own actions but never the actions of others. You can say you dislike something but you cannot tell someone not to do it. It is NEVER okay to impose your will on another person. Make this painfully clear to the dipshit when you dump that garbage.
not to mention; even if you *do* allow them to mold you into someone you’re not, someone meek and controllable and loyal, untrusting of yourself, *they still. wont. love. you.*
they’ll never love you- not for who you are, and not who they want you to be, even if you become it. they are in love with the power play , and when they lose it, they will move onto the next young person who starts out bright eyed and bushy tailed, forcing them into a role they never asked to play, and the same will happen to them.
the love of your life will love you for who you are, and will trust you. the love of your life will not stop you from having fun, or doing the things you love without them. your love shouldn’t be compliance or submission.
He's pathologically insecure about your relationship. He is terrified you will get attention and realize that you are worthy of more than him. He would keep you locked in his room if he had the chance.
Sadly, OP's lack of participation in the thread makes it likely she was just looking for people to say "that just means he loves you, stay with him," and she will ignore this entire thread saying otherwise.
Controlling behavior isn’t love. What he’s doing is horrible and abusive behavior.
He doesn’t get to decide what you will and will not wear. He doesn’t get to decide if you attend a pool party or not.
Why are you with someone? He doesn’t trust you anyway? Because honestly, in a relationship there has to be both love and trust. Someone who tells you can’t wear a bathing suit, someone who tells you where you can and cannot go has no trust in you. If he trusted, you wouldn’t worry about the rest.
Controlling behavior is abusive behavior. And he will get worse. You deserve better than him. He is not worthy of you or your time.
I think there might be some exceptions to this rule. If I wanted to wear a mankini to a wedding, and my wife said it wasn't acceptable and that I should not do it, is most likely good advice. I'm glad I didn't because it rained that day and it was cold.
Well she didn't say that and we got married in the end, less the mankini. But there seems to be a lot of downvoting. I guess people don't agree with my exception to your rule or the pointing out of the additional condition added to your maxim.
My suggestion for them is the removal of the pole up their rectums and try to see the lighter side of life :D
I do think it is important to make a distinction between your partner telling you to not wear something, and your partner being uncomfortable with you wearing something. It all depends on how it's communicated, this seems more like the first though.
Wearing a bathing suit to a swimming pool is 100% normal. Regardless of how it is communicated it is a “him” problem, not a “her “ problem. He needs to get over it and should not communicate his “discomfort “ in any form, respectfully or not. Now if she were wearing a clear latex dress to church, which would arguably not be typical or “normal” then express your discomfort. But telling a partner they cannot wear normal clothing under normal circumstances is controlling, regardless of how nicely it is expressed.
I did clarify that this situation did not seem innocent. But here's an example. Imagine a couple goes to a club, and the boyfriend unbuttons his shirt a bit, but then the girlfriend asks if he could maybe button them up again because it makes her uncomfortable that someone could take the unbuttoned shirt as a sign of flirtation. Would you see that as controlling behavior?
Please excuse my shitty English, fourth language.
Except in this situation she just wants to wear something to swim in and he's shutting down the entire category as if she isn't allowed to swim at all.
I don't get why it became such a whole thing. All I meant was that most comments were talking about how your partner should never dictate what you wear, and I just thought it was relevant to bring up the neuance of the topic.
If someone is so insecure or immature that they see a couple of undone buttons as “flirtation”, they are not adult enough to be in a relationship.
If I saw my husband (or, indeed, any man) with some shirt buttons undone (assuming I even noticed because it’s not something all that noteworthy) I’d think one of the following:
a) those buttons have been accidentally undone
b) he must be warm and want to cool down
c) it must be more comfortable to wear the shirt like that
I cannot even imagine a scenario where ANYONE would think “that man has some of his shirt buttons undone, and any part of his chest being visible must mean he is flirting with me”. That is genuinely batshit levels of misinterpretation.
Isn't it?! Hahaha "This person I never met before has obviously picked this outfit to try to seduce me!"
Or....and here me out here...
People don't dress for you dawg. Like maybe if y'all are friends you wanna look your best or whatever, but no one is out there dressing for their public unless they are famous or a little wackadoo.
It was just an example, I was at the gym and didn't have the time to think of anything better. But my point is just that it's the _most_ mature thing to communicate your feelings to your partner if you are uncomfortable with something. Now again, I am not defending the OP's boyfriend, I just wanted to bring something new to the table when everyone else is repeating the same thing.
I would see it as immature, jealous, and controlling behavior... Which I do not tolerate any of the three in a relationship and, together, would be enough to make me seriously rethink being in that relationship. There's not a pussy on the planet worth putting up with bullshit love that... Kicked my first wife out the door over fuckery like that (among other things).
I have NEVER told a partner how to dress, never would, and fuck me if I'd ever let one tell me how to dress. Only reason I could see allowing such fuckery, is being afraid to be alone, which I've never been a moment in my long life.
In a good relationship, you didn't "beg" your partner for anything. You have every right to things you want, he doesn't own you. Don't act like he does
Dump him and wear whatever the hell you want. Then, never date anyone like this again.
Controlling behavior has nothing to do with love, and this is going to escalate. You need to leave this guy now, and date someone that treats you like you are your own person, because you are.
No one decides what you wear except you. You don't ask anyone permission, or beg for anything.
Break up! For the love of yourself end it with this clown! I can tell you from experience that this "behaviour" will get worse! And it WILL end up as a punch here and there. Cut your losses n leave you're still young!
Wear any swimsuit you want - that's more important than preserving a relationship with someone who cares much more about his own insecurities than your happiness.
This is codependency not love. Leave him before it gets worse (and as someone who was in a controlling relationship, it will get worse). Be you and love yourself. Then find someone who loves you just as much if not more and wants you to shine to your full potential
Believe me it will get worse .. I've been there .. I had an ex who were really controlling to the point that it reached to a domestic abuse .. he got mad coz I did something he wasn't agree with so he hit me like slave yet he was insisting he loves me !! .. I can't get over it till today which like 10 years later .. though I am grateful that I could leave that scum .. please run as fast as you can or set boundaries which you make sure he really sticks to it
You may want to reconsider this relationship.
- Controlling behaviour tends to get worse over time.
- It also creeps up while you are distracted or tired and you give in that one time. Now that's your new normal.
- People like this often react badly to you breaking their "rules". This can be a constant source of arguments or even violence.
NEVER let anyone control you like that.
It’s time for a reality check. You are in an abusive relationship. He is way too fucking controlling, manipulative, jealous, insecure and demanding.
Refuse. Tell him you are going to the party, you’re wearing a swimsuit, and if he doesn’t like it, he can break up with you. Say he will not control you, and it is non-negotiable.
This asshole is very bad for you. It’s time to show him the door.
It’s hard at this age but leave now. If you stay it will create baggage you will carry for years. You will look back and wonder how you ever even considered this to be normal—it’s not
Please run, you’re young and deserve to swim. That doesn’t make you untrustworthy
Jesus Christ that is yikesey behavior. You own father shouldn’t even have that kind of authority over you holy shit….
Controlling, jealous behavior like this is not love, it’s in fact the opposite. For your own safety I recommend getting out of this relationship as soon as possible. This type of behavior only gets worse the longer it goes on as he will become more entitled the more you give in.
Go to the pool party. Ditch his bum ass
go to the party, have fun, break up with your boyfriend and everything will get better for your life. Controlling people are dangerous and you will only get hurt in the long run. Best bet is to just cut and run.
If you don't love yourself first, you will never be able to love someone else properly... It will always be a chasing game to try to fill the parts you left behind with someone else. It is dangerous because the attention (even in crumbs of control) will have your sense of value being validated. This is one of the main reasons people stay in violent relationships way past what is reasonable for everyone looking from the outside.
Do you love him, really, or the idea of him? Or the rush of being'chosen'? Or how making out feels good?
Oh, and swimming might kill you, but won't ever be a jerk.
Sweetheart. Honey. Darling. Love. Listen to me.
You’re better than this and you deserve better than this. Controlling behaviour is NOT love.
Dump him. Go to that pool party in the cutest swimsuit you got and enjoy yourself!
Yeah, this is a "see you later, boy".
Tell him that you're going swimming, and if he doesn't trust you that's fine because he already has trust issues so it would be nothing new. Then DUMP HIM.
Also with the amount of controlling behavior. . . usually means 1 of 2 things, eventually he's going to throw hands or will f\*\*\* around on you. . . possibly both. Don't just "dump him" RUN.
He's gonna waste years of your life and leave you a broken shell if you don't leave his ass.
Guess how I know. It was stupid shit like this that was in the beginning, then just got worse and worse. He broke my finger by slamming our door onto it because I was 10 minutes late getting home, so naturally I was cheating. Wouldn't let me go to the doctor for it either. And that wasn't even the worst he did.
GET. OUT. NOW.
he is manipulating you and he will never stop. that behavior is engrained into people, they will never unlearn it. especially if they learned it by the age of 18. you are young, your perception of love should not be changed so negatively when you are so young. it happened to me, its happened to millions of women and happens to them every day, and it will get you stuck in an unsavory cycle of useless and violent partners.
i know you love him but you need to draw the line somewhere and it should have been drawn a long long time ago. men who love you will strive to encourage and support you in anything you choose, they’ll hype you up when you look beautiful, they’ll take you out and show you off. men like this corral you and break you down into something completely different. again, you’re young and you should be living as happy of a life as you can. wear a swimsuit, go hang out with the people you love, laugh loudly and obnoxiously. smile big. don’t let some boy prevent you from loving your life
Really well put.
OP, while a relationship is a give and take, there are some things that you shouldn't compromise on. One of those things is autonomy. If you aren't in control of yourself you won't be happy, and things like, "I don't care but just know I'll never trust you again" isn't an attempt to communicate a concern, it's a threat against your image of yourself. These phrases are designed to get you to feel guilty in an attempt to convince you that you are the one in the wrong.
If he was voicing a concern about you showing your body, which sometimes is a valid conversation to have in a relationship, do you think he would be attempting to shut down conversation and draw hard boundaries without justifying them to you? A concern is, "I am uncomfortable with those clothes because I don't know or trust the people that will be there." A manipulation attempt is, "do whatever you want but know you will be less in my eyes for doing so."
Some relationships aren't worth saving.
That level of control will only get worse as time goes on. He is manipulating you and cutting off your freedoms.
I know you love him but is that something you want in your life non stop? The inability to do completely harmless, normal and acceptable things because he's a controlling, insecure twat?
Time to go. This behavior is unacceptable and you shouldn't be dealing with it. I. Not usually on the "time to break up" crew as a first reaction but for this? Yeah, he can kick rocks.
I'm the son of a mother who was controlled and abused growing up. Things don't get better from here, rarely. You don't have time for this nonsense, and you're so young. It may sting for a week or two but you'll be fine.
Best of luck to you!
Yuck. Break up with this bozo NOW. I can guarantee you 100% this is just the START of his controlling behavior, and he will get so much worse the more he realizes that he can get away with.
Don't you dare "brush it off" . This is a HUGE red flag. And jealousy or controlling behavior is not flattering. It's violent and foreboding. Enjoy your teens and early adulthood. You don;t need this.
“He’s very controlling”
Bye. Any adult woman will tell you that’s the red flag you gotta end it on.
Controlling men (at 18) do not improve for the better. Seek a break up, this isn’t normal
>he’s very controlling and it honestly gets annoying but i try to brush it off because i love him.
He's an abuser who has convinced you that what you're feeling is love.
You are being manipulated, and he will not magically change. He will continue to manipulate you until you finally get tired of it, or until you die.
He's making demands, forcing you to beg, and brandishing his "trust" like a treat to be earned like you're a dog.
You need to get as far away from him as possible.
Not sure if this has been said, but please look into "coercive control". Your boyfriend is abusive and he is using this tactic, probably amongst others. OP please get out, you deserve much better than this guy.
I'm going to tell you exactly what I would tell my daughter.
This is unhealthy and toxic behavior. He can "not like" that your doing something but in the end you are your own person. You can certainly consider his feelings on stuff but in this case as a father and a husband I can tell you he is crossing a line. His behavior is very manipulative and controlling. Does he do this often? Tell you what you can and can't do?
I'm not saying throw away the relationship but there are millions of women and men who wind up in abusive relationships because they let behavior like this continue and before you know it your not allowed to see your friends or family and his names on everything.
Put a stop to it and put him in his place. Your NOT his property and he is being disrespectful.
This is 2024. Your not some wilting flower that needs someone to tell you what to do, how to dress and how to live your life. Be strong and assert your individuality.
Wear the bathing suit, have fun with your friends and ignore him for a few days. See if he gets the idea....
I hope I’m wrong but feel like she is not gonna break up with this guy just because everyone say break up with him..
Sweetie, people who love you will treat you with respect. But not only other people, you have to love yourself and respect yourself too
Think if it’s really love or just attachment
What kind of fuckery is that. You deserve better than that guy, he's not going to get better, you can't change him, and he doesn't love you. Just cut your losses, go to the party, go swimming, and forget that douche canoe.
He doesn’t love you.
He wants to control you.
Control ≠ love.
Go to the party.
Wear the bathing suit.
Find a better boyfriend.
Oh, and tell your parents what a colossal asshole he is, so they can have your back when he tries to do something stupid when you dump his controlling ass.
You need to stop brushing it off and toss his ass to the curb! Absolutely no good can come of this relationship to such an immature, toxic, and abusive asshole. For all your future happiness, get rid of him, you deserve better.
This is a HUGE red flag. Dump this guy before his behaviors get worse. This behavior leads to abuse. And never ask anyone’s permission about your clothing, etc. F this guy.
This is how my friends horrifically abusive relationship started. I’ll tell you the same thing I told her, men that are that controlling and aggressive, such as with what you wear, will soon start to show other abusive behaviours. Don’t stick around to find out what they are. More often than not it can turn physical. Stay safe
You're too young to be putting up with this. He will never get better. He will always be this way. Imagine 30 years of this. Imagime how he'll be with kids... Is this what you want your life to be? Take it from a 43 year old women- it won't work. You'll have many more loves in your life. Find one that lifts you up I stead of trying to keep you down. Be single right now and just enjoy your younger years. PLEASE.
He wants to stop you from doing things you enjoy for no good reason, and wants to control you. These are cruel and selfish things to do to another person, and they are not the behaviours of someone who genuinely loves you.
Why do you love him?! Cruelty and selfishness are not loveable attributes. (I’m guessing you will say something like he also is “sweet” and “loves you” because he says a lot of romantic things…but talk is cheap: anyone can say anything, but their actions show their true feelings.)
Dump the boyfriend and go to the pool party in your swimsuit. Have fun.
Your boyfriend should not be dictating what you may or may not do. Don't date people who behave that way.
Tell the piece of s\*it you do NOT have to do anything you do NOT wish to do . That is controlling nasty s\*it . LIke why the f\*ck would you go naked anyway , most women wouldn't go at your age in front of everyone like that unless everyone was also naked . But even then could you trust them ? So people can secretly film you ? Why is he pushing it ? Why so insistent of you to do it? Nar don't trust that young man something is f\*cked up to want you to feel so uncomfortable like that.
Don't trust someone who wants to control your behavour that much & have power over you like that . That is the start of a domestic violence relo of emotional / mental control .
>i don’t care anymore but just so you know that i won’t ever trust you again”.
What a nasty manipulative piece of crap young man to try & make you feel like s\*it for standing up to him bc you don't wanna be naked in front of your friends. YOur relo is NOT healthy . YOur relo YOU already cannot handle it properly & him . YOU are being manipulated already by staying with him for awhile . So you already are falling prey to his s\*it controlling ways . DO NOT stay with him , you already are losing yourself in the relo to be abused by him .
You're too young to waste your teenage/young adult years getting treated like that by a boy. Go swimming. And dump him while you're at it. This kind of behavior never stops at "controlling", you don't want it to reach worse.
You put up with what you feel you deserve.
You deserve so much better than a controlling asshole. This behavior is not ok and “but I love him” is not a good reason.
Clearly he does not love you back, you’re just an object for him to control
First I’d like to ask why you posted this and what answers did you expect? Obviously the guy is a controlling asshole who will only get worse. He is a huge RED FLAG! You know that already. Be brave and breakup
You are way too young to already be tolerating this level of bullshit abuse. It’s only going to escalate. A good partner will never give you “permission” for anything — because they know your body is your own.
This a huge red flag! If he tries to control something so small and acts like this, think about what will happen in more important situations. It starts off as controlling where you’re ago/what you’re wearing, then snowballs into controlling bigger things. Please leave while you still can
> he’s very controlling
Hard stop, no reason to read further. If this is one of your leading statements describing your boyfriend, then you should be moving on and promoting him to the status of EX.
The bathing suit question should be a non-issue because an EX doesn't have any business trying to tell you what to wear.
>I’m a 17 year old female and my bf is 18. he’s very controlling
⛔️⛔️⛔️DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY ⛔️⛔️⛔️
LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES, EXPECTATIONS AND NON-NEGOTIABLES.
Here are some examples
Boundary: I don't date abusive, controlling men
Expectations: I expect my boyfriend to respect me, respect my taste in clothes. If you don't like my fashion, that is fine. But if my fashion is bothersome to you, we are NOT COMPATIBLE .
NON-NEGOTIABLES: You must be honest.
So if he is controlling like this and you brush it off, you actually enable that behavior. He will always think he can make you do what he wants you to and will continue trying to manipulate you (I.e. 'if you wear a swimsuit to the pool I'll NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN. like what)
People like this unfortunately usually are like this. There likely isn't much you can do to change his mind, because he clearly views you as something of his. The way I see it, you have two options
1. Let your boyfriend control everything you do for the rest of your life. Never address it and watch him get more and more volatile and controlling until you're either living as his puppet or fighting every conversation.
2. Find someone who understands what a relationship is. Control issues are an absolutely intolerable offense - your partner should consider and love you because they want and are inspired to, not because you will punish them for not following a stringent set of rules based on your feelings alone.
Normally I'd advocate for talking through issues with your partner, but his reaction to you maybe wearing a swimsuit at all to the pool convinces me it wouldn't matter.
Yeah, absolutely not. 🤮 I hope that you find the strength to leave this relationship before he stops you from seeing friends and family because that’s exactly where this is heading. 🚩 Classic toxic relationship. My ex used to do the same to me. Wouldn’t even let me post pictures of my face on social media. It’s him being insecure that someone else is going to come and pick you up. It’s a him issue that he’s projecting onto you -that you do not have to deal with.
Just remember, if he really loved you as much as you love him, he would love you for who you are and how you are. Not try to change things that you do and stop you from doing things that you love.
Love isn’t begging your partner to “allow” you to do things. ESPECIALLY not with your own body. He seems jealous, manipulative, & controlling. Break up with him & find someone who will love you back in the right ways.
Remember, you are your own person. You have feelings, intelligence, & worth. Wear whatever you want, he can cry about it. He doesn’t get to control you like that. It isn’t healthy & your relationship will only get more abusive the longer you stay with him. Dump him & breathe freely. Rediscover yourself & what you like/want out of life.
Good luck girly, we’re rooting for you!
What in the WHAT? You're not even married, and he thinks he has the right to dictate where you can go, what you can do, and what you can wear?? Do you honestly think things will get BETTER?? How long until you are locked in the house, not allowed to see your family and friends, and live only as a sex-slave/maid/cook/breeder/nanny? Til he's hitting you for whatever reason or no reason? Only getting to exist and socialize under his permission, rules and surveillance? Because that's what's going to happen. Get away from this guy, like YESTERDAY and never have contact with him again.
I'm 22, and if my boyfriend told me not to wear a bikini, I'd tell him I understand his feelings and will do as he says.
Then I'd go straight to the closest nudist beach.
Leave him.
I wish someone told me to dump my controlling boyfriend when I was 17. Controlling behaviour doesn’t get better, it only gets worse. Leave before he’s done serious damage to your mental health.
No one has the right to tell you what to wear or not to wear. He is being very controlling and jealous and it's not cute. No begging. Do what you want. If he can't handle it, goodbye.
You can’t force him to turn into a mature well adapted person, he has to figure that out himself. You complying just feeds that bad behavior makes it worse and let’s him avoid personal development.
He knows damn well women wearing bathing suits is normal and his request is weird. And he is choosing to try to manipulate you with insults.
Run girl 🏃♀️
I'm going to do my level best to ignore the whole "I love him part" but you're 17. You'll look back and realize you didn't love him, because you'll learn what love is. And it's not this. This behavior doesn't get better I can almost 100% guarantee it. It only ever gets worse.
Please, think about what you want for yourself and your life. You're so young. Live your life doing and wearing the things you want without him dragging you down
Not to fly in the face of all the people in here who are, apparently, masters of relationships.. But have you asked him why? Surely there is a reason behind all of this and perhaps if you get him to explain his position you may be better informed to why he doesn't want you to go out there wearing a swimsuit.. Also.. Swimsuit.. are we talking something that covers most of your torso or a two piece?
Chances are good he’ll grow out of it, but only if he knows the consequences of acting like this. First, I don’t know that he’s intending to be controlling, I think it’s more likely he’s exceptionally insecure. So, I still think you should break things off, but because he has to learn he can’t be like this.
I dated someone who told me to go into the swimming pool/sea after 4 pm in a 5 star hotel because there won’t be man around as much as morning. Thanks fker for even letting me swim at all.
It was a family vacation and I remember myself crying and begging him to let me. I was at your age. I’m 25 now.
This post triggered me a lot, my blood boils, I’m trembling and I’m hurt. I’m hurt for you.
PLEASE. GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. HE DOESNT LOVE YOU AS A HUMAN. Please don’t do this to yourself and your youth, you can have beautiful days, you can find someone to have fun together like normal beings without you asking for them to allow shit.
You will hurt, but it will pass, believe me, it will pass. Don’t make your future into hell, don’t just stand there and take it.
Please.
First love sucks because it doesn't matter if it's good for you or not, it feels like the deepest thing ever and that means the cuts are deep too.
As someone with age and experience, your first love is not your only love. Your first love is often a learning experience. In this case, your lesson needs to be that someone who truly loves you does not want to change you.
You deserve someone who truly loves you. Please, be brave and go find them.
You’re 17 and he’s 18. There’s alot of growing up to do here and that’s super toxic. He’s clearly insecure and if that’s how he is, he probably won’t suddenly get better.
“Brushing off” controlling behavior equals accepting being controlled.
Don’t do that to yourself. Never make yourself smaller in order to make a relationship work. There are plenty of people out there that you can love. Choose someone who lets you fly, not the one that locks you in his cage.
Who is raising yall to be these doormats for idiots? Cut him off and then work on whatever has you convinced you should tolerate an overbearing asshat because it's not love.
We can wax poetic about the assholes of the world, but there will always be assholes. We have to get serious about teaching the young generation to not accept this kind of behavior. The only thing in life we can control with any real degree of certainty is how we respond to a situation. I'm not blaming her for the boyfriend's bad behavior. But, I am pointing out that as a woman you have to develop a strong backbone quickly or you'll be walked all over by people - especially abusive and controlling men. I speak from personal experience. My advice may sound rough but it's from a place of wanting better for them than what my generation went through. Other people suck and they should be held accountable, yes. But you have to step up and take personal responsibility for your life. No one is coming to save you.
Go swimming, and dump his ass. Honey, this is the early stages of an abusive relationship. It will ONLY get worse. No healthy partner will do what you're describing. He's manipulating you by saying "I don't care" and "do what you want I won't trust you ever again". He has set you up for a lose-lose situation. Your options here are:
1. Give up a social and physical activity (swimming with friends) and suffer silently because it's something you want to do. (He succeeds in isolating you from your friends)
2. Do the social activity and suffer for it. (He succeeds in making sure it's not worth it for you to go against his word again)
3. Tell this Dingus to kick rocks and go have fun with your friends. Then block him. He will try to get you back, and if you agree, it WILL get worse. Patterns of abuse are always the same.
Please, you're young and I PROMISE you, you're not in love with him. You're fawning because he makes you feel like you HAVE to be infatuated. I'm guessing he's hot and cold to get his way? Withholding affection if you don't do what he wants? Puts you down, makes you feel like your friends/family don't know/love you like he does? Insults you? Makes you feel like he's the ONLY one who understands/can validate you?
Just saying. Go swimming. And never go back to him.
Nope, leave, he’s a narcissist. The sooner you leave the better. I’ve been through this before, trust me, staying is how you get Stockholm syndrome, and you don’t do that.
You gotta do what’s best for you.
it sounds like he’s insecure honestly. i went through a similar situation with one of my ex boyfriends and he was very controlling towards me. at first it started out as him not letting me wear certain things and then it got to the point where i could barely leave my house because he was so insecure. i hope you can gain the courage to leave him i know you said you love him but if he really loved you he would want you to do things you enjoy, like swimming. someone controlling you isn’t love it’s a form of manipulation. i hope all goes well for you
I agree you should wear what you want and yes he is controlling you. You are still young and if he is insecure about this, what is he going to do the next time.
please leave while you can i got stuck in a relationship like this from 14-18 and didnt even know who i was once i got out bc i spent the most important years of my development dating a controlling piece of shit. know your worth girl i promise youll be happier not having to run your every move by this guy. i know you love him, i loved my ex too but it really is not worth it it will get worse.
You're being controlled while you're still a teenager. This isn't love. Stop brushing things off because you "love him" because that's going to do more harm for you. You wearing a swimsuit doesn't mean you want to cheat. Then him saying that he won't trust you again is just his way of making you look like you're a bad person. You can either talk to him about how he should trust you or break up with him.
Leave him. Immediately.
You are 17 years old with your whole life ahead of you and do not need him in any way shape or form.
This is not acceptable at any age so I hope you have the strength to move on. If you do and he feeds you bullshit about how he will change etc, please find the strength again to not believe it and stand your ground.
Stay safe.
Everyone is right as much as it will hurt you to move on .relationships are built off trust if it doesn't exist within it there isn't a relationship at all you need to first ask your self what you want with in one and if you have more cons then pros where you stand at this time then get to better grounding go to the pool party your young you have your whole life ahead of you don't be jailed just because he's insecure that is not your fault or your problem go to the pool party if and play your cards your way you only have 1 life don't waste it fooling yourself that love is controlling its not ..if you care for him on your way to the pool party leave him with a few numbers for counseling for him to deal with his underlying issues controlling behavior leads to abuse further down the line .please respect yourself enough to not stick around that. Today's society on ether man or women needs to understand people are not belongings or objects there humans and have rights to make choices.. so pull up your big girl pants and take the rains over your life and start picking out a bathing suit I believe you have a pool patty to tend to keep strong you got this
Why are you letting a boy control you? You are probably smarter and definitely more mature than him. Dump his controlling ass and find a guy who will treat you like an equal and not like a dog that has to obey.
A boyfriend is supposed to be excited for you. A boyfriend is supposed to uplift you about everything, no matter what. If a boyfriend doesn’t like a style of a swimsuit because it’s like a thong, sure that’s pretty valid. If a boyfriend is forcing you to wear a swimsuit that covers everything & is not your style then that’s also a hard f’ing no. Telling you that you can’t wear a swimsuit & will not be able to attend the swimming is extremely wrong. One day he will tell you that you can’t go see your parents. I promise it’ll turn into that. You’ll lose your friends, you could lose your family, you WILL lose yourself. This isn’t a relationship for you or for anybody else. Leave him. It’s not the end of the world. If he got better in a year, maybe. But you should just be entirely done & find something better. You’re too young to get yourself lost in a relationship. Find yourself first so your entire life can be successful & fall into place where it needs to.
Him not wanting you to show your body to other men is his absolute right. Why should you or Reddit simps dictate his values and opinions? It seems like he is pretty consistent with his expectations of his partner, but you keep ignoring it.
You have the full right to dress however you want in this day and age, so if you know that he has these opinions, then it is your own responsibility to leave him. Either leave him, or respect his boundaries. Same goes for him or course.
I have to tell you this is some of the worst advice I’ve ever seen on this forum. He doesn’t get to decide what she will and won’t wear.
And quite frankly, that kind of jealous behavior isn’t conducive to a healthy normal relationship.
Because the very first line is that she's 17 and he's controlling? Because your partner NOT LETTING YOU wear a very normal piece of clothing IS manipulative? Because OP doesn't owe him anything?
You make it sound so easy when in reality, it's not her fault he insecure, and it's not her problem to solve and talk about. At 17 you have so much more to grow and experience to be limited by someone who doesn't even love you or care about you. So funny you put it as "just don't wear it :)" when there's so much more. "A little snapshot" while, again, first sentence, "he's always very controlling". Huh. Wonder why most of the people feel like it's not worth it to stay. You shouldn't even talk about why you should not be controlling to someone else. It's not her job to educate him. I'm pretty sure you've never been the one having your freedom coerced and treated like s piece of meat.
Also, I'm done with the convo, if you want to play the voice of reason do it, it's shit advice and it'll never end good. Very surprised (not) it's coming from a 30 year old grown man lmao OP, dump his ass and wear whatever the fuck you want.
Here is what you do You don't brush this controlling behavior off, you leave him cause you are young and a controlling relationships like that is not love, and you go to your swimming party with your bathing suit The "I won't trust you again" thing is a clear manipulation tactic, and it's just going to get worst if you stay in this relationship, break up with him, you'll find someone better
Every essence of my being hopes OP takes this advice. I know loneliness is scary and the idea of feeling loved is wonderful, but that boy-child is incapable of loving you. He sees you as some kind of clay that he can control and mold into “his ideal partner” which on so many levels is toxic. Controlling people NEED to get burned they NEED to get hurt and know it was a DIRECT result of their controlling behaviour. The longer you tolerate this behaviour the more it teaches him it works and is a way he can get what he wants. You two breaking up is an inevitability so you’re not only hurting yourself here but any woman that is misfortunate enough to end up with your current turd. Someone who controls you and gets what they want will never breakup with you unless it’s a manipulation tactic to get their noose of control tighter around your neck. Get the hell out of there and slander the hell out of that boy-child. You can control your own actions but never the actions of others. You can say you dislike something but you cannot tell someone not to do it. It is NEVER okay to impose your will on another person. Make this painfully clear to the dipshit when you dump that garbage.
not to mention; even if you *do* allow them to mold you into someone you’re not, someone meek and controllable and loyal, untrusting of yourself, *they still. wont. love. you.* they’ll never love you- not for who you are, and not who they want you to be, even if you become it. they are in love with the power play , and when they lose it, they will move onto the next young person who starts out bright eyed and bushy tailed, forcing them into a role they never asked to play, and the same will happen to them. the love of your life will love you for who you are, and will trust you. the love of your life will not stop you from having fun, or doing the things you love without them. your love shouldn’t be compliance or submission.
OMG so much this! Please OP read babylocket's post over until you believe it!
Can this answer be in flashing red? OP, please read this over and over.
To add to this - never "beg" anyone for anything.
He's pathologically insecure about your relationship. He is terrified you will get attention and realize that you are worthy of more than him. He would keep you locked in his room if he had the chance.
Sadly, OP's lack of participation in the thread makes it likely she was just looking for people to say "that just means he loves you, stay with him," and she will ignore this entire thread saying otherwise.
Controlling behavior isn’t love. What he’s doing is horrible and abusive behavior. He doesn’t get to decide what you will and will not wear. He doesn’t get to decide if you attend a pool party or not. Why are you with someone? He doesn’t trust you anyway? Because honestly, in a relationship there has to be both love and trust. Someone who tells you can’t wear a bathing suit, someone who tells you where you can and cannot go has no trust in you. If he trusted, you wouldn’t worry about the rest. Controlling behavior is abusive behavior. And he will get worse. You deserve better than him. He is not worthy of you or your time.
Telling your partner what to wear (or not wear) is a huge red flag. Don’t waste any more time with this guy.
I think there might be some exceptions to this rule. If I wanted to wear a mankini to a wedding, and my wife said it wasn't acceptable and that I should not do it, is most likely good advice. I'm glad I didn't because it rained that day and it was cold.
Did your wife also say to you “alr go, i don’t care anymore but just so you know that i won’t ever trust you again”?
That wasn't in your original maxim.
No it was in the OP and it just made me laugh to apply it to your post.
Well she didn't say that and we got married in the end, less the mankini. But there seems to be a lot of downvoting. I guess people don't agree with my exception to your rule or the pointing out of the additional condition added to your maxim. My suggestion for them is the removal of the pole up their rectums and try to see the lighter side of life :D
I do think it is important to make a distinction between your partner telling you to not wear something, and your partner being uncomfortable with you wearing something. It all depends on how it's communicated, this seems more like the first though.
Wearing a bathing suit to a swimming pool is 100% normal. Regardless of how it is communicated it is a “him” problem, not a “her “ problem. He needs to get over it and should not communicate his “discomfort “ in any form, respectfully or not. Now if she were wearing a clear latex dress to church, which would arguably not be typical or “normal” then express your discomfort. But telling a partner they cannot wear normal clothing under normal circumstances is controlling, regardless of how nicely it is expressed.
I did clarify that this situation did not seem innocent. But here's an example. Imagine a couple goes to a club, and the boyfriend unbuttons his shirt a bit, but then the girlfriend asks if he could maybe button them up again because it makes her uncomfortable that someone could take the unbuttoned shirt as a sign of flirtation. Would you see that as controlling behavior? Please excuse my shitty English, fourth language.
Except in this situation she just wants to wear something to swim in and he's shutting down the entire category as if she isn't allowed to swim at all.
Yes, and I have now twice said that I don't think what I said applies in this situation.
Then why even bring it up?
Because I thought it was relevant to bring up the difference between this and a perfectly innocent scenario.
Its not even comparable. Your entire point is irrelevant to this post
I don't get why it became such a whole thing. All I meant was that most comments were talking about how your partner should never dictate what you wear, and I just thought it was relevant to bring up the neuance of the topic.
If someone is so insecure or immature that they see a couple of undone buttons as “flirtation”, they are not adult enough to be in a relationship. If I saw my husband (or, indeed, any man) with some shirt buttons undone (assuming I even noticed because it’s not something all that noteworthy) I’d think one of the following: a) those buttons have been accidentally undone b) he must be warm and want to cool down c) it must be more comfortable to wear the shirt like that I cannot even imagine a scenario where ANYONE would think “that man has some of his shirt buttons undone, and any part of his chest being visible must mean he is flirting with me”. That is genuinely batshit levels of misinterpretation.
Isn't it?! Hahaha "This person I never met before has obviously picked this outfit to try to seduce me!" Or....and here me out here... People don't dress for you dawg. Like maybe if y'all are friends you wanna look your best or whatever, but no one is out there dressing for their public unless they are famous or a little wackadoo.
I mean yeah, but you can't seriously think that there aren't people everywhere who think like that?
It was just an example, I was at the gym and didn't have the time to think of anything better. But my point is just that it's the _most_ mature thing to communicate your feelings to your partner if you are uncomfortable with something. Now again, I am not defending the OP's boyfriend, I just wanted to bring something new to the table when everyone else is repeating the same thing.
I would see it as immature, jealous, and controlling behavior... Which I do not tolerate any of the three in a relationship and, together, would be enough to make me seriously rethink being in that relationship. There's not a pussy on the planet worth putting up with bullshit love that... Kicked my first wife out the door over fuckery like that (among other things). I have NEVER told a partner how to dress, never would, and fuck me if I'd ever let one tell me how to dress. Only reason I could see allowing such fuckery, is being afraid to be alone, which I've never been a moment in my long life.
He literally told her he wouldn't trust her anymore if she wore a bathing suit. Come on
Gross.
You break up with him. This is not okay. He's terrible and you "begging him" is concerning. Why wouldn't you break up with him?
Girl, dump his ass.
Go swimming. Wear a bathing suit. Don't date controlling men.
Controlling men are the scum of the earth
Sounds like he already doesn't trust you. why are you with this person?
Why are you with that waste of shit?
In a good relationship, you didn't "beg" your partner for anything. You have every right to things you want, he doesn't own you. Don't act like he does
Dump him and wear whatever the hell you want. Then, never date anyone like this again. Controlling behavior has nothing to do with love, and this is going to escalate. You need to leave this guy now, and date someone that treats you like you are your own person, because you are. No one decides what you wear except you. You don't ask anyone permission, or beg for anything.
Break up! For the love of yourself end it with this clown! I can tell you from experience that this "behaviour" will get worse! And it WILL end up as a punch here and there. Cut your losses n leave you're still young!
Wear any swimsuit you want - that's more important than preserving a relationship with someone who cares much more about his own insecurities than your happiness.
This is codependency not love. Leave him before it gets worse (and as someone who was in a controlling relationship, it will get worse). Be you and love yourself. Then find someone who loves you just as much if not more and wants you to shine to your full potential
Tell him a swim suit will be better than you swimming without one...
Believe me it will get worse .. I've been there .. I had an ex who were really controlling to the point that it reached to a domestic abuse .. he got mad coz I did something he wasn't agree with so he hit me like slave yet he was insisting he loves me !! .. I can't get over it till today which like 10 years later .. though I am grateful that I could leave that scum .. please run as fast as you can or set boundaries which you make sure he really sticks to it
You may want to reconsider this relationship. - Controlling behaviour tends to get worse over time. - It also creeps up while you are distracted or tired and you give in that one time. Now that's your new normal. - People like this often react badly to you breaking their "rules". This can be a constant source of arguments or even violence.
NEVER let anyone control you like that. It’s time for a reality check. You are in an abusive relationship. He is way too fucking controlling, manipulative, jealous, insecure and demanding. Refuse. Tell him you are going to the party, you’re wearing a swimsuit, and if he doesn’t like it, he can break up with you. Say he will not control you, and it is non-negotiable. This asshole is very bad for you. It’s time to show him the door.
It’s hard at this age but leave now. If you stay it will create baggage you will carry for years. You will look back and wonder how you ever even considered this to be normal—it’s not Please run, you’re young and deserve to swim. That doesn’t make you untrustworthy
Dump the abusive trash and do what makes you happy.
People who attempt to exert control over your behavior in any way should always be cut off permanently, and immediately.
I’d highly recommend checking out this book https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Jesus Christ that is yikesey behavior. You own father shouldn’t even have that kind of authority over you holy shit…. Controlling, jealous behavior like this is not love, it’s in fact the opposite. For your own safety I recommend getting out of this relationship as soon as possible. This type of behavior only gets worse the longer it goes on as he will become more entitled the more you give in. Go to the pool party. Ditch his bum ass
go to the party, have fun, break up with your boyfriend and everything will get better for your life. Controlling people are dangerous and you will only get hurt in the long run. Best bet is to just cut and run.
If you don't love yourself first, you will never be able to love someone else properly... It will always be a chasing game to try to fill the parts you left behind with someone else. It is dangerous because the attention (even in crumbs of control) will have your sense of value being validated. This is one of the main reasons people stay in violent relationships way past what is reasonable for everyone looking from the outside. Do you love him, really, or the idea of him? Or the rush of being'chosen'? Or how making out feels good? Oh, and swimming might kill you, but won't ever be a jerk.
Sweetheart. Honey. Darling. Love. Listen to me. You’re better than this and you deserve better than this. Controlling behaviour is NOT love. Dump him. Go to that pool party in the cutest swimsuit you got and enjoy yourself!
RUN. This is not normal relationship behavior. Find someone better that respects you.
You’re 18, you have plenty of time to find a partner that’s not a controlling piece of shit.
Yeah, this is a "see you later, boy". Tell him that you're going swimming, and if he doesn't trust you that's fine because he already has trust issues so it would be nothing new. Then DUMP HIM. Also with the amount of controlling behavior. . . usually means 1 of 2 things, eventually he's going to throw hands or will f\*\*\* around on you. . . possibly both. Don't just "dump him" RUN.
He's gonna waste years of your life and leave you a broken shell if you don't leave his ass. Guess how I know. It was stupid shit like this that was in the beginning, then just got worse and worse. He broke my finger by slamming our door onto it because I was 10 minutes late getting home, so naturally I was cheating. Wouldn't let me go to the doctor for it either. And that wasn't even the worst he did. GET. OUT. NOW.
he is manipulating you and he will never stop. that behavior is engrained into people, they will never unlearn it. especially if they learned it by the age of 18. you are young, your perception of love should not be changed so negatively when you are so young. it happened to me, its happened to millions of women and happens to them every day, and it will get you stuck in an unsavory cycle of useless and violent partners. i know you love him but you need to draw the line somewhere and it should have been drawn a long long time ago. men who love you will strive to encourage and support you in anything you choose, they’ll hype you up when you look beautiful, they’ll take you out and show you off. men like this corral you and break you down into something completely different. again, you’re young and you should be living as happy of a life as you can. wear a swimsuit, go hang out with the people you love, laugh loudly and obnoxiously. smile big. don’t let some boy prevent you from loving your life
Really well put. OP, while a relationship is a give and take, there are some things that you shouldn't compromise on. One of those things is autonomy. If you aren't in control of yourself you won't be happy, and things like, "I don't care but just know I'll never trust you again" isn't an attempt to communicate a concern, it's a threat against your image of yourself. These phrases are designed to get you to feel guilty in an attempt to convince you that you are the one in the wrong. If he was voicing a concern about you showing your body, which sometimes is a valid conversation to have in a relationship, do you think he would be attempting to shut down conversation and draw hard boundaries without justifying them to you? A concern is, "I am uncomfortable with those clothes because I don't know or trust the people that will be there." A manipulation attempt is, "do whatever you want but know you will be less in my eyes for doing so." Some relationships aren't worth saving.
This is fucking despicable. The fact that you put up with it is pathetic tbh. Show yourself some respect. He doesn't own you ffs!
You should date guys who respect you
That level of control will only get worse as time goes on. He is manipulating you and cutting off your freedoms. I know you love him but is that something you want in your life non stop? The inability to do completely harmless, normal and acceptable things because he's a controlling, insecure twat?
Dump him and wear what you want
Time to go. This behavior is unacceptable and you shouldn't be dealing with it. I. Not usually on the "time to break up" crew as a first reaction but for this? Yeah, he can kick rocks. I'm the son of a mother who was controlled and abused growing up. Things don't get better from here, rarely. You don't have time for this nonsense, and you're so young. It may sting for a week or two but you'll be fine. Best of luck to you!
Yuck. Break up with this bozo NOW. I can guarantee you 100% this is just the START of his controlling behavior, and he will get so much worse the more he realizes that he can get away with.
You should be very, very concerned about his controlling behavior. This is a major red flag.
Don't you dare "brush it off" . This is a HUGE red flag. And jealousy or controlling behavior is not flattering. It's violent and foreboding. Enjoy your teens and early adulthood. You don;t need this.
“He’s very controlling” Bye. Any adult woman will tell you that’s the red flag you gotta end it on. Controlling men (at 18) do not improve for the better. Seek a break up, this isn’t normal
>he’s very controlling and it honestly gets annoying but i try to brush it off because i love him. He's an abuser who has convinced you that what you're feeling is love. You are being manipulated, and he will not magically change. He will continue to manipulate you until you finally get tired of it, or until you die. He's making demands, forcing you to beg, and brandishing his "trust" like a treat to be earned like you're a dog. You need to get as far away from him as possible.
Not sure if this has been said, but please look into "coercive control". Your boyfriend is abusive and he is using this tactic, probably amongst others. OP please get out, you deserve much better than this guy.
LEAVE HIM HE'S CONTROLLING AND MENTALLY ABUSIVE AND IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE IT TURNS PHYSICAL
I'm going to tell you exactly what I would tell my daughter. This is unhealthy and toxic behavior. He can "not like" that your doing something but in the end you are your own person. You can certainly consider his feelings on stuff but in this case as a father and a husband I can tell you he is crossing a line. His behavior is very manipulative and controlling. Does he do this often? Tell you what you can and can't do? I'm not saying throw away the relationship but there are millions of women and men who wind up in abusive relationships because they let behavior like this continue and before you know it your not allowed to see your friends or family and his names on everything. Put a stop to it and put him in his place. Your NOT his property and he is being disrespectful. This is 2024. Your not some wilting flower that needs someone to tell you what to do, how to dress and how to live your life. Be strong and assert your individuality. Wear the bathing suit, have fun with your friends and ignore him for a few days. See if he gets the idea....
Dump him
I hope I’m wrong but feel like she is not gonna break up with this guy just because everyone say break up with him.. Sweetie, people who love you will treat you with respect. But not only other people, you have to love yourself and respect yourself too Think if it’s really love or just attachment
What kind of fuckery is that. You deserve better than that guy, he's not going to get better, you can't change him, and he doesn't love you. Just cut your losses, go to the party, go swimming, and forget that douche canoe.
You don’t know what to do? You know exactly what to do. **You break up with him.**
He doesn’t love you. He wants to control you. Control ≠ love. Go to the party. Wear the bathing suit. Find a better boyfriend. Oh, and tell your parents what a colossal asshole he is, so they can have your back when he tries to do something stupid when you dump his controlling ass.
Him being narrow minded is a big red flag. Break up with him and move on.
You need to stop brushing it off and toss his ass to the curb! Absolutely no good can come of this relationship to such an immature, toxic, and abusive asshole. For all your future happiness, get rid of him, you deserve better.
This is a HUGE red flag. Dump this guy before his behaviors get worse. This behavior leads to abuse. And never ask anyone’s permission about your clothing, etc. F this guy.
This is how my friends horrifically abusive relationship started. I’ll tell you the same thing I told her, men that are that controlling and aggressive, such as with what you wear, will soon start to show other abusive behaviours. Don’t stick around to find out what they are. More often than not it can turn physical. Stay safe
This is pure manipulation and abusive. You're only 17. Leave now before it gets worse
You're too young to be putting up with this. He will never get better. He will always be this way. Imagine 30 years of this. Imagime how he'll be with kids... Is this what you want your life to be? Take it from a 43 year old women- it won't work. You'll have many more loves in your life. Find one that lifts you up I stead of trying to keep you down. Be single right now and just enjoy your younger years. PLEASE.
⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩
He wants to stop you from doing things you enjoy for no good reason, and wants to control you. These are cruel and selfish things to do to another person, and they are not the behaviours of someone who genuinely loves you. Why do you love him?! Cruelty and selfishness are not loveable attributes. (I’m guessing you will say something like he also is “sweet” and “loves you” because he says a lot of romantic things…but talk is cheap: anyone can say anything, but their actions show their true feelings.)
Girl, cut him loose. You don't need to deal with this controlling bullshit. Have some self respect! This ain't love.
Dump the boyfriend and go to the pool party in your swimsuit. Have fun. Your boyfriend should not be dictating what you may or may not do. Don't date people who behave that way.
Break up with him. Block his number. Move on.
I hate when reddit comments always advise people to break up for the smallest shit. But here it's completely justified. Run!
Break it off with him now. This behaviour will only escalate.
Tell the piece of s\*it you do NOT have to do anything you do NOT wish to do . That is controlling nasty s\*it . LIke why the f\*ck would you go naked anyway , most women wouldn't go at your age in front of everyone like that unless everyone was also naked . But even then could you trust them ? So people can secretly film you ? Why is he pushing it ? Why so insistent of you to do it? Nar don't trust that young man something is f\*cked up to want you to feel so uncomfortable like that. Don't trust someone who wants to control your behavour that much & have power over you like that . That is the start of a domestic violence relo of emotional / mental control . >i don’t care anymore but just so you know that i won’t ever trust you again”. What a nasty manipulative piece of crap young man to try & make you feel like s\*it for standing up to him bc you don't wanna be naked in front of your friends. YOur relo is NOT healthy . YOur relo YOU already cannot handle it properly & him . YOU are being manipulated already by staying with him for awhile . So you already are falling prey to his s\*it controlling ways . DO NOT stay with him , you already are losing yourself in the relo to be abused by him .
You're too young to waste your teenage/young adult years getting treated like that by a boy. Go swimming. And dump him while you're at it. This kind of behavior never stops at "controlling", you don't want it to reach worse.
Leave, it will be hard. But this will only get worse. These are early signs of physical abuse being displayed
Wtf? Who the fuck is he to tell you what to do. This is a colossal red flag. Save yourself a future of hurt and break up with him. Most women would.
You put up with what you feel you deserve. You deserve so much better than a controlling asshole. This behavior is not ok and “but I love him” is not a good reason. Clearly he does not love you back, you’re just an object for him to control
breakup this guy is an asshole
First I’d like to ask why you posted this and what answers did you expect? Obviously the guy is a controlling asshole who will only get worse. He is a huge RED FLAG! You know that already. Be brave and breakup
You are way too young to already be tolerating this level of bullshit abuse. It’s only going to escalate. A good partner will never give you “permission” for anything — because they know your body is your own.
He’s an 18 y/o boy… he doesn’t get to tell anyone how to do anything.
This a huge red flag! If he tries to control something so small and acts like this, think about what will happen in more important situations. It starts off as controlling where you’re ago/what you’re wearing, then snowballs into controlling bigger things. Please leave while you still can
> he’s very controlling Hard stop, no reason to read further. If this is one of your leading statements describing your boyfriend, then you should be moving on and promoting him to the status of EX. The bathing suit question should be a non-issue because an EX doesn't have any business trying to tell you what to wear.
>I’m a 17 year old female and my bf is 18. he’s very controlling ⛔️⛔️⛔️DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY ⛔️⛔️⛔️ LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES, EXPECTATIONS AND NON-NEGOTIABLES. Here are some examples Boundary: I don't date abusive, controlling men Expectations: I expect my boyfriend to respect me, respect my taste in clothes. If you don't like my fashion, that is fine. But if my fashion is bothersome to you, we are NOT COMPATIBLE . NON-NEGOTIABLES: You must be honest.
So if he is controlling like this and you brush it off, you actually enable that behavior. He will always think he can make you do what he wants you to and will continue trying to manipulate you (I.e. 'if you wear a swimsuit to the pool I'll NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN. like what) People like this unfortunately usually are like this. There likely isn't much you can do to change his mind, because he clearly views you as something of his. The way I see it, you have two options 1. Let your boyfriend control everything you do for the rest of your life. Never address it and watch him get more and more volatile and controlling until you're either living as his puppet or fighting every conversation. 2. Find someone who understands what a relationship is. Control issues are an absolutely intolerable offense - your partner should consider and love you because they want and are inspired to, not because you will punish them for not following a stringent set of rules based on your feelings alone. Normally I'd advocate for talking through issues with your partner, but his reaction to you maybe wearing a swimsuit at all to the pool convinces me it wouldn't matter.
Yeah, absolutely not. 🤮 I hope that you find the strength to leave this relationship before he stops you from seeing friends and family because that’s exactly where this is heading. 🚩 Classic toxic relationship. My ex used to do the same to me. Wouldn’t even let me post pictures of my face on social media. It’s him being insecure that someone else is going to come and pick you up. It’s a him issue that he’s projecting onto you -that you do not have to deal with. Just remember, if he really loved you as much as you love him, he would love you for who you are and how you are. Not try to change things that you do and stop you from doing things that you love.
Love isn’t begging your partner to “allow” you to do things. ESPECIALLY not with your own body. He seems jealous, manipulative, & controlling. Break up with him & find someone who will love you back in the right ways. Remember, you are your own person. You have feelings, intelligence, & worth. Wear whatever you want, he can cry about it. He doesn’t get to control you like that. It isn’t healthy & your relationship will only get more abusive the longer you stay with him. Dump him & breathe freely. Rediscover yourself & what you like/want out of life. Good luck girly, we’re rooting for you!
What in the WHAT? You're not even married, and he thinks he has the right to dictate where you can go, what you can do, and what you can wear?? Do you honestly think things will get BETTER?? How long until you are locked in the house, not allowed to see your family and friends, and live only as a sex-slave/maid/cook/breeder/nanny? Til he's hitting you for whatever reason or no reason? Only getting to exist and socialize under his permission, rules and surveillance? Because that's what's going to happen. Get away from this guy, like YESTERDAY and never have contact with him again.
Run dont walk. He is only going to get more controlling and manipulative
Go naked then.
I'm 22, and if my boyfriend told me not to wear a bikini, I'd tell him I understand his feelings and will do as he says. Then I'd go straight to the closest nudist beach.
Leave him. I wish someone told me to dump my controlling boyfriend when I was 17. Controlling behaviour doesn’t get better, it only gets worse. Leave before he’s done serious damage to your mental health.
Ffs just dump him, he will not get better, he will only get worse. You can do better, he’s really not worth anymore of your time.
Dump and don't look back.
No one has the right to tell you what to wear or not to wear. He is being very controlling and jealous and it's not cute. No begging. Do what you want. If he can't handle it, goodbye.
You can’t force him to turn into a mature well adapted person, he has to figure that out himself. You complying just feeds that bad behavior makes it worse and let’s him avoid personal development. He knows damn well women wearing bathing suits is normal and his request is weird. And he is choosing to try to manipulate you with insults. Run girl 🏃♀️
Go to the party in your bathing suit, go swimming and find another hot young guy and dump the loser you’re with now
I'm going to do my level best to ignore the whole "I love him part" but you're 17. You'll look back and realize you didn't love him, because you'll learn what love is. And it's not this. This behavior doesn't get better I can almost 100% guarantee it. It only ever gets worse. Please, think about what you want for yourself and your life. You're so young. Live your life doing and wearing the things you want without him dragging you down
Not to fly in the face of all the people in here who are, apparently, masters of relationships.. But have you asked him why? Surely there is a reason behind all of this and perhaps if you get him to explain his position you may be better informed to why he doesn't want you to go out there wearing a swimsuit.. Also.. Swimsuit.. are we talking something that covers most of your torso or a two piece?
Chances are good he’ll grow out of it, but only if he knows the consequences of acting like this. First, I don’t know that he’s intending to be controlling, I think it’s more likely he’s exceptionally insecure. So, I still think you should break things off, but because he has to learn he can’t be like this.
I dated someone who told me to go into the swimming pool/sea after 4 pm in a 5 star hotel because there won’t be man around as much as morning. Thanks fker for even letting me swim at all. It was a family vacation and I remember myself crying and begging him to let me. I was at your age. I’m 25 now. This post triggered me a lot, my blood boils, I’m trembling and I’m hurt. I’m hurt for you. PLEASE. GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. HE DOESNT LOVE YOU AS A HUMAN. Please don’t do this to yourself and your youth, you can have beautiful days, you can find someone to have fun together like normal beings without you asking for them to allow shit. You will hurt, but it will pass, believe me, it will pass. Don’t make your future into hell, don’t just stand there and take it. Please.
First love sucks because it doesn't matter if it's good for you or not, it feels like the deepest thing ever and that means the cuts are deep too. As someone with age and experience, your first love is not your only love. Your first love is often a learning experience. In this case, your lesson needs to be that someone who truly loves you does not want to change you. You deserve someone who truly loves you. Please, be brave and go find them.
You break up with him is what you do. How is that healthy at all
You’re 17 and he’s 18. There’s alot of growing up to do here and that’s super toxic. He’s clearly insecure and if that’s how he is, he probably won’t suddenly get better.
Leave him.
Dump him and hook up with another guy
He’s a weirdo just break it off
“Brushing off” controlling behavior equals accepting being controlled. Don’t do that to yourself. Never make yourself smaller in order to make a relationship work. There are plenty of people out there that you can love. Choose someone who lets you fly, not the one that locks you in his cage.
Who is raising yall to be these doormats for idiots? Cut him off and then work on whatever has you convinced you should tolerate an overbearing asshat because it's not love.
Better question: who is raising these abusive assholes? Let's not victim blame, my guy. She's a kid in an emotionally abusive relationship.
We can wax poetic about the assholes of the world, but there will always be assholes. We have to get serious about teaching the young generation to not accept this kind of behavior. The only thing in life we can control with any real degree of certainty is how we respond to a situation. I'm not blaming her for the boyfriend's bad behavior. But, I am pointing out that as a woman you have to develop a strong backbone quickly or you'll be walked all over by people - especially abusive and controlling men. I speak from personal experience. My advice may sound rough but it's from a place of wanting better for them than what my generation went through. Other people suck and they should be held accountable, yes. But you have to step up and take personal responsibility for your life. No one is coming to save you.
Go swimming, and dump his ass. Honey, this is the early stages of an abusive relationship. It will ONLY get worse. No healthy partner will do what you're describing. He's manipulating you by saying "I don't care" and "do what you want I won't trust you ever again". He has set you up for a lose-lose situation. Your options here are: 1. Give up a social and physical activity (swimming with friends) and suffer silently because it's something you want to do. (He succeeds in isolating you from your friends) 2. Do the social activity and suffer for it. (He succeeds in making sure it's not worth it for you to go against his word again) 3. Tell this Dingus to kick rocks and go have fun with your friends. Then block him. He will try to get you back, and if you agree, it WILL get worse. Patterns of abuse are always the same. Please, you're young and I PROMISE you, you're not in love with him. You're fawning because he makes you feel like you HAVE to be infatuated. I'm guessing he's hot and cold to get his way? Withholding affection if you don't do what he wants? Puts you down, makes you feel like your friends/family don't know/love you like he does? Insults you? Makes you feel like he's the ONLY one who understands/can validate you? Just saying. Go swimming. And never go back to him.
Nope, leave, he’s a narcissist. The sooner you leave the better. I’ve been through this before, trust me, staying is how you get Stockholm syndrome, and you don’t do that. You gotta do what’s best for you.
Bro is Muslim?
it sounds like he’s insecure honestly. i went through a similar situation with one of my ex boyfriends and he was very controlling towards me. at first it started out as him not letting me wear certain things and then it got to the point where i could barely leave my house because he was so insecure. i hope you can gain the courage to leave him i know you said you love him but if he really loved you he would want you to do things you enjoy, like swimming. someone controlling you isn’t love it’s a form of manipulation. i hope all goes well for you
I agree you should wear what you want and yes he is controlling you. You are still young and if he is insecure about this, what is he going to do the next time.
please leave while you can i got stuck in a relationship like this from 14-18 and didnt even know who i was once i got out bc i spent the most important years of my development dating a controlling piece of shit. know your worth girl i promise youll be happier not having to run your every move by this guy. i know you love him, i loved my ex too but it really is not worth it it will get worse.
You're being controlled while you're still a teenager. This isn't love. Stop brushing things off because you "love him" because that's going to do more harm for you. You wearing a swimsuit doesn't mean you want to cheat. Then him saying that he won't trust you again is just his way of making you look like you're a bad person. You can either talk to him about how he should trust you or break up with him.
Well im your new step daddy and I say wear it😝
Leave him. Immediately. You are 17 years old with your whole life ahead of you and do not need him in any way shape or form. This is not acceptable at any age so I hope you have the strength to move on. If you do and he feeds you bullshit about how he will change etc, please find the strength again to not believe it and stand your ground. Stay safe.
Everyone is right as much as it will hurt you to move on .relationships are built off trust if it doesn't exist within it there isn't a relationship at all you need to first ask your self what you want with in one and if you have more cons then pros where you stand at this time then get to better grounding go to the pool party your young you have your whole life ahead of you don't be jailed just because he's insecure that is not your fault or your problem go to the pool party if and play your cards your way you only have 1 life don't waste it fooling yourself that love is controlling its not ..if you care for him on your way to the pool party leave him with a few numbers for counseling for him to deal with his underlying issues controlling behavior leads to abuse further down the line .please respect yourself enough to not stick around that. Today's society on ether man or women needs to understand people are not belongings or objects there humans and have rights to make choices.. so pull up your big girl pants and take the rains over your life and start picking out a bathing suit I believe you have a pool patty to tend to keep strong you got this
just do ya thang
Why are you letting a boy control you? You are probably smarter and definitely more mature than him. Dump his controlling ass and find a guy who will treat you like an equal and not like a dog that has to obey.
Break up with him and sleep with his best friend.
Bro dump his ass. That freaking sick and controlling
A boyfriend is supposed to be excited for you. A boyfriend is supposed to uplift you about everything, no matter what. If a boyfriend doesn’t like a style of a swimsuit because it’s like a thong, sure that’s pretty valid. If a boyfriend is forcing you to wear a swimsuit that covers everything & is not your style then that’s also a hard f’ing no. Telling you that you can’t wear a swimsuit & will not be able to attend the swimming is extremely wrong. One day he will tell you that you can’t go see your parents. I promise it’ll turn into that. You’ll lose your friends, you could lose your family, you WILL lose yourself. This isn’t a relationship for you or for anybody else. Leave him. It’s not the end of the world. If he got better in a year, maybe. But you should just be entirely done & find something better. You’re too young to get yourself lost in a relationship. Find yourself first so your entire life can be successful & fall into place where it needs to.
Don’t be with someone controlling. It will not benefit you in the long run and you will get tired of it.
Walk away now ! This behavior most likely will not change. His controlling words and beliefs reveal his insecurities.
Dump and block him. Get out now before you are 10 years and 5 kids down the road.
Break up as this can become abusive if it isn't already
Him not wanting you to show your body to other men is his absolute right. Why should you or Reddit simps dictate his values and opinions? It seems like he is pretty consistent with his expectations of his partner, but you keep ignoring it. You have the full right to dress however you want in this day and age, so if you know that he has these opinions, then it is your own responsibility to leave him. Either leave him, or respect his boundaries. Same goes for him or course.
He sounds like a narcissist
[удалено]
I have to tell you this is some of the worst advice I’ve ever seen on this forum. He doesn’t get to decide what she will and won’t wear. And quite frankly, that kind of jealous behavior isn’t conducive to a healthy normal relationship.
[удалено]
You don’t get their point. A compromise is not going to help OP with this situation or even with this person OP’s with.
[удалено]
I’m not assuming anything, but my comment is based on the other comments under this post and the things OP says.
[удалено]
I wouldn’t say it’s the worst advice, but it’s not the best in this situation either
To someone who's been manipulated and controlled yeah, don't sugarcoat it lmao
[удалено]
Because the very first line is that she's 17 and he's controlling? Because your partner NOT LETTING YOU wear a very normal piece of clothing IS manipulative? Because OP doesn't owe him anything?
[удалено]
You make it sound so easy when in reality, it's not her fault he insecure, and it's not her problem to solve and talk about. At 17 you have so much more to grow and experience to be limited by someone who doesn't even love you or care about you. So funny you put it as "just don't wear it :)" when there's so much more. "A little snapshot" while, again, first sentence, "he's always very controlling". Huh. Wonder why most of the people feel like it's not worth it to stay. You shouldn't even talk about why you should not be controlling to someone else. It's not her job to educate him. I'm pretty sure you've never been the one having your freedom coerced and treated like s piece of meat.
Also, I'm done with the convo, if you want to play the voice of reason do it, it's shit advice and it'll never end good. Very surprised (not) it's coming from a 30 year old grown man lmao OP, dump his ass and wear whatever the fuck you want.