Hi there. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Just a few thoughts:
1 - IF you can get her to be tested again, you may want to schedule it later in the afternoon. “Sundowning” is a thing where they’ll be fine in the morning but by early afternoon they being to forget things.
2 - Older folks, but especially women, can get asymptomatic UTIs and they infection can manifest symptoms similar to dementia if left untreated. I am constantly asking my mom how much water she’s had, and I actually watch her drink it at times.
3- There are services available through every state (some are better than others obviously) that can help with resources. She may benefit from being in assisted living, where she has her own mini-apartment but there are CNAs and other staff to help care for her.
4- Caught early enough, there ARE treatments available. There are lifestyle changes she would have to make as well, but it’s not written in stone that the disease will progress quickly or that much with treatment.
I know it’s tough. Hang in there, and don’t forget to get your own support. Compassion fatigue is real.
Damn, Turtle, I never heard of number 2. I’m 62, with an 89 year old mom (which is why I’m in this group). I am prone to UTIs. I’ll let my husband know just in case I suddenly get dementia signs. That’s wild.
While I think this is all true, accusing someone of stealing wipes and toilet paper is pretty different from accusing your own family of stealing money and jewelry. Those are white lies to cover up dementia. The OP's mother also doesn't have a diagnosis of cognitive decline. I think the OP's situation is pretty different and also really quite scary.
First, you have my sympathy. I've walked this same path and it was made even more difficult when my mom would show time for her doctor and I had a sibling whose head was in the clouds over it. My mom was worrying me with her decline even before my dad passed away in 2021 and I did not get an actual diagnosis officially down on paper by a physician until this year. It can take a long time.
Having siblings to split the load equally rarely happens. Sometimes it makes it even more difficult having to deal with the entire family dynamic AND this elderly person who is depleting us of our own patience and sanity.
So what to do. A 7-day pill box to help her remember her medication(s). If she already has that and still misses her meds, hang a white board in her kitchen or bathroom and write down a reminder. If she still misses her meds, you're probably just going to have to let that one go.
It's awful to hear this but sometimes you just have to wait for a crisis to happen. "The crisis" has been different things for different families but it always involves immediate action and change. It could be a fall or an illness where they end up in the ER. Believe it or not, sometimes it's a godsend because it can allow you to get out of the current situation. I liken it to rafting down a river and your raft gets stuck in the swirling white water and you're just hanging on without going backward or forward. "The crisis" is the thing that launches you out of that pocket you're stuck in and sends you downstream. Have a plan or two in place for that moment.
Finances. Can you protect her from herself? If she has savings, a portfolio, a pension, anything that needs to be watched, I'd work on that. With her cognitive decline, she'll be more prone to writing checks incorrectly, being scammed, etc. Set up text alerts for withdrawals over certain amounts. I did this after my mom got scammed over the phone and lost a good amount of money. If there's no way you can get this done, save that task for another day and keep your fingers crossed that she doesn't lose all her money.
The stealing accusation is common. There's all kinds of things you can say but it won't stick. She's already looping so this is going to be something that may happen for a while.
Good luck. Hopefully there's a POA, Advanced Directive, a will, etc. in place.
Have you thought about personal care at a nice senior facility where she can make friends and still have a life but they control her medications? I work as a med tech at a beautiful facility with a pool our residents are able to do what they want but we make.sure meds are taken. But we can also help with care dr appts etc
Hi there. Neuropsychologist here who specializing in diagnosing dementia. The doctor did a little screener (most likely) that’s pretty easy to pass. Get her a full neuropsychological evaluation (about a one hour interview and 2-3 hours of testing). That’s much more accurate. Early Alzheimer’s sometimes presents with paranoia more so than memory decline. Of course, as others stated, it could be a UTI so that’s a quick screen.
Wow, that's tough - it sounds like not just dementia, but a lot of paranoia. Is it possible that the situation would improve if only seeing you exclusively, not your wife or family? As my MIL started to develop dementia, we went through a strange period of time where she was attributing almost all conversations to me, no matter what the topic was, who she actually had the conversation with, or whether I was present or not. I ended up just staying away/out of her orbit for a few months, and somehow it helped to reset things. Strange, I know, but it seemed to work.
Depending on what you have access to in terms of the stuff she accuses you of stealing, I'd consider either having a witness with you or videoing your actions during those activities. I would make her clearly aware of why you are doing this - with a witness present or knowing everything will be documented, she might change this behavior.
I also think it's possible that she focuses on the theft accusations to get an emotional response out of you - it sounds like it's working, and for her this can be a reward of attention or even narcissistic supply. I would stop reacting, stop engaging on the topic, and see if you can extinguish it that way. It's pretty normal for someone developing dementia to be angry and afraid, so that can't necessarily be changed, but perhaps you can change what/who she chooses to direct her anger towards.
It definitely sounds like she is close to the point of no longer living independently and needing the support of an assisted living facility. If she doesn't have her legal affairs in order with you as POA, that's an important task to accomplish. An attorney might also be able to reason with her on topics where family cannot. It doesn't sound like she would go to a facility willingly - this was our situation as well. We simply had to be ready for the emergency that would instantly change everything and leave her with no choice, and that's exactly how it played out.
You could have a talk with her current physician. Though she may not have given her permission to tell you what is ailing her, you certainly can call or see that physician and tell them your concerns. We had to do this with both my MIL and FIL.
We can't change who they are but we can change how we react to them and set boundaries that work for us and our extended family. She's a bit olds to change her ways regarding obsession, but you are not to old to change how you respond.
I am sorry you have to deal with this. I am not an only child, as I have a sister, but when my mother started really going downhill, I was the only child to deal with her. As luck and timing would have it, my sister's husband was dying of brain cancer at the same time, so she had her hands full, and I had to deal with my very mentally ill mother on my own.
I really don't know what to tell you other than I've been there and know how frustrating it is. I would say "get your mother to admit to and address her mental problems," but I know that that is like telling water to please not be wet, or asking the earth to stop gravity, or asking all of the trees and grass on the face of the planet to pick a different color than green. It is completely, totally, 100% impossible. Your point #8 is something I can definitely relate to. Everyone in my small town knew my mother to be a pillar of the community, a rock, a socialite, and a philanthropist, but didn't know about all of the very, very severe mental illness that was hiding behind that charming facade. It doesn't change things, but "anosognosia," where a person with mental problems is either in denial or unaware of such problems makes things a million times more difficult. It is possible that your mother is a narcissist, which mine definitely was, and is able to hide her condition around non-family members for the sake of saving face. But when it comes to you, she just lets loose, and now you're the villain who is trying to steal from her and destroy her. My mother seriously thought that everyone else was mentally ill, just not her. But in the end, she had it all backwards.
The thing is, treatment for mental illness cannot be forced on someone unless they pose a threat to someone else or themselves. My mother kept talking about suicide and attempted it once, which resulted in 3 trips to the psychiatric ward. And in the end, none of it did any good. It just extended her misery for another 2 1/2 years. Everything failed. And with every failure, I felt the life being sucked out of me and just wanted it to end. When you give up your entire life for someone, and all they can say every goddamn day is "I know you're just here to steal from me! I've figured you out, you ungrateful wretch!" well, it really hurts.
All I can say is that, at some point, this will all be over. You will be relieved. You will feel free. You may have enormous resentment and anger for your mother at the end. I sure did. I'm slowly working through it with therapy and try to deal with my resentment and anger with humor. But at some point, it WILL be over, and you will finally be able to rest.
This is what sustains me - time will get me through it, one way or another.
It is so brutal that these difficult people are stuck with relatives in their twilight years - people like this should be looked after by strangers, who can more easily maintain boundaries (and are less likely to trigger these accusations/abusive behaviours). Having to look after a bad parent is cruel to everyone involved.
There are some amazing people on here that give better advice than I ever could.
That said, if your mom ends up needing care, whether in home, assisted living or nursing home make sure to do proper planning - get your POAs reviewed and know there’s almost always a better solution than spending down all of your money until impoverishment.
Wish you the best. It’s never easy.
Hey! I’m brand spanking new to this space so I haven’t had a chance to read much, but your situation reminds me of my own. Do you have any relatives that might be able to nudge your Mom along, or is she resistant to that stuff?
I’ve been feeding my aunts talking points and it seems to be working. Maybe.
If you can, try to get some talking therapy - it will help you keep your sanity, fortify your boundaries, and teach you strategies to protect yourself and let you do the work that needs doing, more effectively.
I got 10 sessions last year ("problem solving therapy") when caring for my mum and her situation (COVID widow, progressing Parkinson's disease, lifelong paranoia and distrust not improved by her condition) was driving me up a wall and threatening our marriage. Cannot recommend it enough!
I still have intense days when I let my guard down, although I can shut her out and take days off. More importantly, because I stopped enabling so much of her bad behaviour, she lost interest in me and decided to move near my sister.
My husband and I dealt with his parents who both had dementia for years before we experienced a crisis. We’re still recovering from the trauma. Here are some tips that may be helpful.
1. Try and avoid arguing or trying to reason with your mom. Do not think you can reason with an unreasonable person.
2. Get power of medical attorney and power of durable attorney asap. You can find forms online. You’ll need to get the durable POA notarized which may be tough with her paranoia. This will give you control of her finances should she decline further which indeed she will. Maybe ask a friend of hers along that she will want to save face around. She’ll be on better behavior.
3. If she gets real crazy or the dementia progresses extremely quick do have her tested for a UTI. She may even have one now.
4. Don’t prolong her and your misery by getting her on a bunch of drugs. If cholesterol meds is all she takes, it shouldn’t hurt to miss some doses. You could call and remind her each day instead of visiting.
5. Take it a day at a time. Things will change and there’s nothing you can do to control them until you get her into memory care. It’s expensive but start looking into it now and decide how you can pay for it. Once you get POA, you can check her bank statements and see where she is financially. Her social security and retirement may cover it. Then you’ll just have to wait it out until you can get a diagnosis of dementia. Don’t feel guilty about putting her into care. These places are really nice now and there’s activity and regular meals and someone to administer medication. It will be a better place for her.
5. Get some talk therapy for yourself. Caring for a controlling parent who is out of control can bring up all sorts of unresolved issues. It can affect your wife and kids as you’re dealing with that. Talking can be a release valve. Please don’t dump all your concerns on your spouse. I experienced so much trauma dumping from my husband I almost broke down. Try and do some lighthearted things together and try and find some humor as difficult as it can be.
I wish you strength in the days to come. Think first of your family at home and protect them from what’s happening with your mom. Put them first. Take good care of yourself. Rest and eat well. Do not feel guilt or shame, it’s not your fault and it was not your fault your dad died. You were just a little baby. Protect what is important to you as you break a powerful chain.
My MIL has similar symptoms & anxieties. In her, it has resulted in over shopping & food hoarding (i could feed a family of 4 from her pantry for a year).Had her tested with a neuropsychologist & she doesn’t have dementia….she has severe anxiety & depression. Dr said that she is using so much of her brain worrying about dome little problem, that she doesn’t really listen & forgets things. We have started her on anti-anxiety meds, but still waiting to see if it will make an appreciable difference.
You can also get WiFi enabled pill dispensers that will alert you if she doesn’t take a dose.
Start to check out memory care facilities in your area now so you have a good idea as to what they can offer etc. This way you will be prepared when the crises comes, and it will come. An event that will require hospitalization. She is not taking her meds, that could potentially cause the crises, or a fall, a fever, or something else. Once admitted to hospital it should become pretty clear if she has dementia or not. Meanwhile, are you guarding her finances? Do you have online access to her bank accounts? Can you see if there are suspicious transactions? Do you have a POA in place? You don't mention how old your kids are. Definitely keep them away, especially if they are young. Her behavior will taint any long term memory they may have of her.
Speak to your family about her moving in, if you feel it’s beyond you and your really cannot deal with it, then move her into a facility. Either way she can’t stay by herself anymore. She is like a child at this point in her life, we will all revert to this stage, so in all interactions with her keep this in mind, and do not take offence to anything, I know it’s hard. But you essentially have to treat her like how you did your babies.
Thank you for the feedback u/FateOfTheElephant I agree with you on thinking how I would like to be treated and I hope when I get there I won't become aggressive or insulting to my own family.
One issue that I find challenging is that mom is at a early stage of dementia (from what I can see), but not yet to the point where she needs to be in a facility. However, I see she is progressing faster into that stage. Right now she still doing lots of things on her own, but I know this won't last for a long time.
Thank you again for taking the time to read my post and responding.
Hi friend. You do not have full responsibility of this situation. It’s an impossible task. It’s her right to refuse care. It’s her right to alienate you. It’s her right to absolutely eff up every thing. If the doctor won’t help with a diagnosis, I don’t know what else you can do.
Distance yourself and protect yourself and your mental health.
What your describing is very similar to what I went through with my own mother, she also aced the cognition tests had no dementia or alz but accused me of stealing and doing things that never happened not in character for her either. See if you can get her evaluated for a psychotic episode by either a neurologist who is who helped me or a psychologist perhaps. AFter her DX Mom got back to herself after about a month of psych meds..
I am sorry that you’re dealing with this. My mom was the same, a few years ago. Medication errors and poor money management were the beginning.
What helped me was (in this order) the book The 36 Hour Day, Teepa Snow videos, and the Alzheimer’s Association 1-800 number. 1-800-272-3900 save this in your contacts. They are empathetic listeners. My siblings and I met with an Alzheimer’s Association support person, and they helped us clear up what was dementia behavior, how to support mom, and what we needed to put in place going forward. There are also talks and presentations locally through Alzheimer’s Association that were really informative.
It’s hard. Please don’t sacrifice your health to take care of her, I know it’s easier to say that than do it. You need to talk to someone who understands these dementia behaviors. But I definitely recommend reading that book, and watching those videos. It really helps you understand! Your mom’s health and behavior is going to decline, I wish I had known more about that a few years ago. It seemed like I would learn how to deal with one behavior, and then soon enough, she would develop some other behavior that was fresh hell. It’s exhausting.
Right now, blessedly my mom is in a somewhat confused and quiet phase, which is better than some of the other phases. The flushing things down the toilet, refusing to shower, awake all night but sleep all day, only eating sweets, the leaving the house and getting lost phase, etc.
Being accused of theft is shocking and painful. When those kinds of behaviors occur, keep reminding yourself “Its not her, it’s the disease” and that helps it be slightly less painful.
Best of luck to you.
Hi there. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Just a few thoughts: 1 - IF you can get her to be tested again, you may want to schedule it later in the afternoon. “Sundowning” is a thing where they’ll be fine in the morning but by early afternoon they being to forget things. 2 - Older folks, but especially women, can get asymptomatic UTIs and they infection can manifest symptoms similar to dementia if left untreated. I am constantly asking my mom how much water she’s had, and I actually watch her drink it at times. 3- There are services available through every state (some are better than others obviously) that can help with resources. She may benefit from being in assisted living, where she has her own mini-apartment but there are CNAs and other staff to help care for her. 4- Caught early enough, there ARE treatments available. There are lifestyle changes she would have to make as well, but it’s not written in stone that the disease will progress quickly or that much with treatment. I know it’s tough. Hang in there, and don’t forget to get your own support. Compassion fatigue is real.
Damn, Turtle, I never heard of number 2. I’m 62, with an 89 year old mom (which is why I’m in this group). I am prone to UTIs. I’ll let my husband know just in case I suddenly get dementia signs. That’s wild.
My grandmother was having recurrent UTIs and my mom, her caretaker, thought she was having a stroke one night. Alas, it was a nasty UTI.
I had never heard of it either until my dad told me this was happening to my grandmother. These silent issues are scary.
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While I think this is all true, accusing someone of stealing wipes and toilet paper is pretty different from accusing your own family of stealing money and jewelry. Those are white lies to cover up dementia. The OP's mother also doesn't have a diagnosis of cognitive decline. I think the OP's situation is pretty different and also really quite scary.
First, you have my sympathy. I've walked this same path and it was made even more difficult when my mom would show time for her doctor and I had a sibling whose head was in the clouds over it. My mom was worrying me with her decline even before my dad passed away in 2021 and I did not get an actual diagnosis officially down on paper by a physician until this year. It can take a long time. Having siblings to split the load equally rarely happens. Sometimes it makes it even more difficult having to deal with the entire family dynamic AND this elderly person who is depleting us of our own patience and sanity. So what to do. A 7-day pill box to help her remember her medication(s). If she already has that and still misses her meds, hang a white board in her kitchen or bathroom and write down a reminder. If she still misses her meds, you're probably just going to have to let that one go. It's awful to hear this but sometimes you just have to wait for a crisis to happen. "The crisis" has been different things for different families but it always involves immediate action and change. It could be a fall or an illness where they end up in the ER. Believe it or not, sometimes it's a godsend because it can allow you to get out of the current situation. I liken it to rafting down a river and your raft gets stuck in the swirling white water and you're just hanging on without going backward or forward. "The crisis" is the thing that launches you out of that pocket you're stuck in and sends you downstream. Have a plan or two in place for that moment. Finances. Can you protect her from herself? If she has savings, a portfolio, a pension, anything that needs to be watched, I'd work on that. With her cognitive decline, she'll be more prone to writing checks incorrectly, being scammed, etc. Set up text alerts for withdrawals over certain amounts. I did this after my mom got scammed over the phone and lost a good amount of money. If there's no way you can get this done, save that task for another day and keep your fingers crossed that she doesn't lose all her money. The stealing accusation is common. There's all kinds of things you can say but it won't stick. She's already looping so this is going to be something that may happen for a while. Good luck. Hopefully there's a POA, Advanced Directive, a will, etc. in place.
This is great advice.
Have you thought about personal care at a nice senior facility where she can make friends and still have a life but they control her medications? I work as a med tech at a beautiful facility with a pool our residents are able to do what they want but we make.sure meds are taken. But we can also help with care dr appts etc
Hi there. Neuropsychologist here who specializing in diagnosing dementia. The doctor did a little screener (most likely) that’s pretty easy to pass. Get her a full neuropsychological evaluation (about a one hour interview and 2-3 hours of testing). That’s much more accurate. Early Alzheimer’s sometimes presents with paranoia more so than memory decline. Of course, as others stated, it could be a UTI so that’s a quick screen.
Wow, that's tough - it sounds like not just dementia, but a lot of paranoia. Is it possible that the situation would improve if only seeing you exclusively, not your wife or family? As my MIL started to develop dementia, we went through a strange period of time where she was attributing almost all conversations to me, no matter what the topic was, who she actually had the conversation with, or whether I was present or not. I ended up just staying away/out of her orbit for a few months, and somehow it helped to reset things. Strange, I know, but it seemed to work. Depending on what you have access to in terms of the stuff she accuses you of stealing, I'd consider either having a witness with you or videoing your actions during those activities. I would make her clearly aware of why you are doing this - with a witness present or knowing everything will be documented, she might change this behavior. I also think it's possible that she focuses on the theft accusations to get an emotional response out of you - it sounds like it's working, and for her this can be a reward of attention or even narcissistic supply. I would stop reacting, stop engaging on the topic, and see if you can extinguish it that way. It's pretty normal for someone developing dementia to be angry and afraid, so that can't necessarily be changed, but perhaps you can change what/who she chooses to direct her anger towards. It definitely sounds like she is close to the point of no longer living independently and needing the support of an assisted living facility. If she doesn't have her legal affairs in order with you as POA, that's an important task to accomplish. An attorney might also be able to reason with her on topics where family cannot. It doesn't sound like she would go to a facility willingly - this was our situation as well. We simply had to be ready for the emergency that would instantly change everything and leave her with no choice, and that's exactly how it played out.
You could have a talk with her current physician. Though she may not have given her permission to tell you what is ailing her, you certainly can call or see that physician and tell them your concerns. We had to do this with both my MIL and FIL. We can't change who they are but we can change how we react to them and set boundaries that work for us and our extended family. She's a bit olds to change her ways regarding obsession, but you are not to old to change how you respond.
I am sorry you have to deal with this. I am not an only child, as I have a sister, but when my mother started really going downhill, I was the only child to deal with her. As luck and timing would have it, my sister's husband was dying of brain cancer at the same time, so she had her hands full, and I had to deal with my very mentally ill mother on my own. I really don't know what to tell you other than I've been there and know how frustrating it is. I would say "get your mother to admit to and address her mental problems," but I know that that is like telling water to please not be wet, or asking the earth to stop gravity, or asking all of the trees and grass on the face of the planet to pick a different color than green. It is completely, totally, 100% impossible. Your point #8 is something I can definitely relate to. Everyone in my small town knew my mother to be a pillar of the community, a rock, a socialite, and a philanthropist, but didn't know about all of the very, very severe mental illness that was hiding behind that charming facade. It doesn't change things, but "anosognosia," where a person with mental problems is either in denial or unaware of such problems makes things a million times more difficult. It is possible that your mother is a narcissist, which mine definitely was, and is able to hide her condition around non-family members for the sake of saving face. But when it comes to you, she just lets loose, and now you're the villain who is trying to steal from her and destroy her. My mother seriously thought that everyone else was mentally ill, just not her. But in the end, she had it all backwards. The thing is, treatment for mental illness cannot be forced on someone unless they pose a threat to someone else or themselves. My mother kept talking about suicide and attempted it once, which resulted in 3 trips to the psychiatric ward. And in the end, none of it did any good. It just extended her misery for another 2 1/2 years. Everything failed. And with every failure, I felt the life being sucked out of me and just wanted it to end. When you give up your entire life for someone, and all they can say every goddamn day is "I know you're just here to steal from me! I've figured you out, you ungrateful wretch!" well, it really hurts. All I can say is that, at some point, this will all be over. You will be relieved. You will feel free. You may have enormous resentment and anger for your mother at the end. I sure did. I'm slowly working through it with therapy and try to deal with my resentment and anger with humor. But at some point, it WILL be over, and you will finally be able to rest.
This is what sustains me - time will get me through it, one way or another. It is so brutal that these difficult people are stuck with relatives in their twilight years - people like this should be looked after by strangers, who can more easily maintain boundaries (and are less likely to trigger these accusations/abusive behaviours). Having to look after a bad parent is cruel to everyone involved.
The r/dementia subreddit has a lot of experience with this as well. I found them very helpful.
There are some amazing people on here that give better advice than I ever could. That said, if your mom ends up needing care, whether in home, assisted living or nursing home make sure to do proper planning - get your POAs reviewed and know there’s almost always a better solution than spending down all of your money until impoverishment. Wish you the best. It’s never easy.
Please buy and read The 36 Hour Day. It tells you what to look for, be aware of and her future.
Hey! I’m brand spanking new to this space so I haven’t had a chance to read much, but your situation reminds me of my own. Do you have any relatives that might be able to nudge your Mom along, or is she resistant to that stuff? I’ve been feeding my aunts talking points and it seems to be working. Maybe.
If you can, try to get some talking therapy - it will help you keep your sanity, fortify your boundaries, and teach you strategies to protect yourself and let you do the work that needs doing, more effectively. I got 10 sessions last year ("problem solving therapy") when caring for my mum and her situation (COVID widow, progressing Parkinson's disease, lifelong paranoia and distrust not improved by her condition) was driving me up a wall and threatening our marriage. Cannot recommend it enough! I still have intense days when I let my guard down, although I can shut her out and take days off. More importantly, because I stopped enabling so much of her bad behaviour, she lost interest in me and decided to move near my sister.
My husband and I dealt with his parents who both had dementia for years before we experienced a crisis. We’re still recovering from the trauma. Here are some tips that may be helpful. 1. Try and avoid arguing or trying to reason with your mom. Do not think you can reason with an unreasonable person. 2. Get power of medical attorney and power of durable attorney asap. You can find forms online. You’ll need to get the durable POA notarized which may be tough with her paranoia. This will give you control of her finances should she decline further which indeed she will. Maybe ask a friend of hers along that she will want to save face around. She’ll be on better behavior. 3. If she gets real crazy or the dementia progresses extremely quick do have her tested for a UTI. She may even have one now. 4. Don’t prolong her and your misery by getting her on a bunch of drugs. If cholesterol meds is all she takes, it shouldn’t hurt to miss some doses. You could call and remind her each day instead of visiting. 5. Take it a day at a time. Things will change and there’s nothing you can do to control them until you get her into memory care. It’s expensive but start looking into it now and decide how you can pay for it. Once you get POA, you can check her bank statements and see where she is financially. Her social security and retirement may cover it. Then you’ll just have to wait it out until you can get a diagnosis of dementia. Don’t feel guilty about putting her into care. These places are really nice now and there’s activity and regular meals and someone to administer medication. It will be a better place for her. 5. Get some talk therapy for yourself. Caring for a controlling parent who is out of control can bring up all sorts of unresolved issues. It can affect your wife and kids as you’re dealing with that. Talking can be a release valve. Please don’t dump all your concerns on your spouse. I experienced so much trauma dumping from my husband I almost broke down. Try and do some lighthearted things together and try and find some humor as difficult as it can be. I wish you strength in the days to come. Think first of your family at home and protect them from what’s happening with your mom. Put them first. Take good care of yourself. Rest and eat well. Do not feel guilt or shame, it’s not your fault and it was not your fault your dad died. You were just a little baby. Protect what is important to you as you break a powerful chain.
My MIL has similar symptoms & anxieties. In her, it has resulted in over shopping & food hoarding (i could feed a family of 4 from her pantry for a year).Had her tested with a neuropsychologist & she doesn’t have dementia….she has severe anxiety & depression. Dr said that she is using so much of her brain worrying about dome little problem, that she doesn’t really listen & forgets things. We have started her on anti-anxiety meds, but still waiting to see if it will make an appreciable difference. You can also get WiFi enabled pill dispensers that will alert you if she doesn’t take a dose.
If she’s been a good mother to you…just do the best you can. If she wasn’t…don’t beat yourself up.
Start to check out memory care facilities in your area now so you have a good idea as to what they can offer etc. This way you will be prepared when the crises comes, and it will come. An event that will require hospitalization. She is not taking her meds, that could potentially cause the crises, or a fall, a fever, or something else. Once admitted to hospital it should become pretty clear if she has dementia or not. Meanwhile, are you guarding her finances? Do you have online access to her bank accounts? Can you see if there are suspicious transactions? Do you have a POA in place? You don't mention how old your kids are. Definitely keep them away, especially if they are young. Her behavior will taint any long term memory they may have of her.
Speak to your family about her moving in, if you feel it’s beyond you and your really cannot deal with it, then move her into a facility. Either way she can’t stay by herself anymore. She is like a child at this point in her life, we will all revert to this stage, so in all interactions with her keep this in mind, and do not take offence to anything, I know it’s hard. But you essentially have to treat her like how you did your babies.
Thank you for the feedback u/FateOfTheElephant I agree with you on thinking how I would like to be treated and I hope when I get there I won't become aggressive or insulting to my own family. One issue that I find challenging is that mom is at a early stage of dementia (from what I can see), but not yet to the point where she needs to be in a facility. However, I see she is progressing faster into that stage. Right now she still doing lots of things on her own, but I know this won't last for a long time. Thank you again for taking the time to read my post and responding.
Hi friend. You do not have full responsibility of this situation. It’s an impossible task. It’s her right to refuse care. It’s her right to alienate you. It’s her right to absolutely eff up every thing. If the doctor won’t help with a diagnosis, I don’t know what else you can do. Distance yourself and protect yourself and your mental health.
What your describing is very similar to what I went through with my own mother, she also aced the cognition tests had no dementia or alz but accused me of stealing and doing things that never happened not in character for her either. See if you can get her evaluated for a psychotic episode by either a neurologist who is who helped me or a psychologist perhaps. AFter her DX Mom got back to herself after about a month of psych meds..
I am sorry that you’re dealing with this. My mom was the same, a few years ago. Medication errors and poor money management were the beginning. What helped me was (in this order) the book The 36 Hour Day, Teepa Snow videos, and the Alzheimer’s Association 1-800 number. 1-800-272-3900 save this in your contacts. They are empathetic listeners. My siblings and I met with an Alzheimer’s Association support person, and they helped us clear up what was dementia behavior, how to support mom, and what we needed to put in place going forward. There are also talks and presentations locally through Alzheimer’s Association that were really informative. It’s hard. Please don’t sacrifice your health to take care of her, I know it’s easier to say that than do it. You need to talk to someone who understands these dementia behaviors. But I definitely recommend reading that book, and watching those videos. It really helps you understand! Your mom’s health and behavior is going to decline, I wish I had known more about that a few years ago. It seemed like I would learn how to deal with one behavior, and then soon enough, she would develop some other behavior that was fresh hell. It’s exhausting. Right now, blessedly my mom is in a somewhat confused and quiet phase, which is better than some of the other phases. The flushing things down the toilet, refusing to shower, awake all night but sleep all day, only eating sweets, the leaving the house and getting lost phase, etc. Being accused of theft is shocking and painful. When those kinds of behaviors occur, keep reminding yourself “Its not her, it’s the disease” and that helps it be slightly less painful. Best of luck to you.
Or leave her to do it on her own. Eventually she will need help but until then let her do it herself.
Find time for yourself, and just yourself, no one else. I hope you have a good therapist. Any chance you can cut back on hours at work?
You say you are an only son but it is not clear if you have siblings —sisters maybe? If so they need to step up and help
Op wrote he is an only child! So understandingly he carries a lot of burden.