No you’re not the AH.
The mom certainly needs to apologize and sit down with her daughter (hopefully with dad there) and tell her daughter the truth.
She’s avoiding you because she got caught and can’t justify what she said and never straightening the story.
For some people they rather run than admit what they did. I think she knows her daughter will be upset with her.
Did your husband try to sort everything out?
yeah her avoidance is pretty clear; she doesnt want to face her horrible lies in front of all of us. she wont really let any kind of meeting with all of us (her (mom), her partner, my partner (dad), and myself) together happen at this point, just excuses after excuses why she cant make it happen, and basically she just tries to talk it out on the phone, so that way when the difficult conversation comes up, she can easily just hang up the phone and end the conversation when it gets to stuff she doesnt want to talk about. its honestly baffling how much she does to avoid things regarding co parenting.
my partner has spoken to his daughters mother about this whole thing but I have no idea what was said. I didnt ask what was said because at the time I was already seething. I just let it go and didnt really bother to find out what was said between the two of them, I'm sure he basically told her that she is an asshole and a liar for telling such a ridiculous blatant lie to a child.
You and your partner need to sit his daughter down and tell and he should tell her the TRUTH. Let her know you have been terribly sad ever since you found out this information. Be prepared with factual information (the dates you met her father) and also be empathetic towards her mother, saying sometimes when people are heartbroken they make up tales to put their spouse in a bad light. If you feel it is necessary, you can present this information in family counseling but for god’s sake, inform her—she deserves to know.
No, you are not overreacting. But take ACTION.
Agree but it is up to the parents to discuss this with their daughter and they tell her the truth. Let dad be the one to provide the facts about when the relationship with the partner started. Why is the father silent? Why is he doing nothing to support his partner ?The partner needs to pay attention to this.
Obviously ,the daughter has been suffering. There's some kind of trauma around this. To the partner's credit the daughter felt comfortable discussing the situation with her. The partner is hurt but she needs to step back and let the parents handle this. If she doesn't this will wreck her relationship with the daughter. The daughter and the partner need the truth.
Could be both parents have not been completely honest. I am speaking from experience. I was a child of divorce and as an adult I tried to get the answers from both parents. Both are now deceased. My mother lied on my father and would never admit the truth. She caused her children to have hurt and pain. After her death, my aunt revealed the truth. I loved her but I don't respect her.
Id ask the mom in front of the child. Liars who stick to their lies, must be called out in front of who they told the story to. They'll still not answer you, will throw their hands up and act flabbergasted, but that's an answer unto itself for the person who was lied to.
My mom told me many lies about my dad growing up and I just accepted them and believed them for some reason but the truth always comes out and it definitely did when I got older. I resent my mother for many reasons and her telling me lies and also not letting me form my own adult opinions about ppl are definitely part of that. Your step daughter will see the truth and will resent her mother over this which is sad but also the karma her mom deserves and I believe this is exactly what the mom needs to change her behavior and become a better person. Your step daughter will also have every right to resent her mom over this and so do you because the mom wronged all of you. Ppl can't just do this stuff and expect everyone to forgive and forget.
Totally agree. I'd still be fuming if I were in your shoes. It's unbelievable that she'd tell her daughter such a lie and then just avoid you when confronted. You have every right to be angry and upset. It's not okay to manipulate your child like that.
NTA.
Does your stepdaughter know the truth now?
If not- you should show her that you have texted her mother and her mother has Not responded “yes you did” or anything like that.
And I agree with the other comment. Her admission of this lie to her daughter in front of you and husband is a condition of Any future support. Get husband on board with this.
And I’d be telling step daughter that if She wants any positive things from you, it’s a condition that she hears all this and accepts the truth.
I immediately told mu stepdaughter that it was untrue as she was telling me this story. And she didn't really verbally respond to my response that it was untrue... so from her facial/physical reaction, it kind of seemed to me that she is not sure who to believe.
edit: it kind of seemed to me like she is not sure who to believe. I reacted in a genuine way that I was shocked and hurt. I feel like, she saw my physical response and felt it to be a genuine response, but on the flip side of that coin, being that she has already had this in her mind for years that its the way it happened, she seemed unsure/confused.
Time to demand that mom tells the truth.
Dad could also absolutely consider taking this to court.
I’d ask stepdaughter to tell this story on camera. Or ask her questions about it over text.
I dont know what bringing this to court would do unless Dad was trying to seek full custody? And it would take more than that. Also, court can be traumatic for kids, even if they're not there. Escalating like that can make a difficult situation worse between the parents, which then makes it harder for the kid.
I dont think OP is overreacting, but kids' feelings are more important than OP in this. Be the better parent. Give her someone to talk to. Try to be as open, transparent, and unbiased as possible when she has questions, and have a conversation with Dad to be clear what that means and how much he's comfortable sharing.
I was this age when I started putting together the lies one parent was telling me about the other, and it irreparably broke our relationship. I was told the parent I lived with was blocking the other from seeing me over child support. I was told the courts weren't fair. I was told it was all a big misunderstanding. Custodial parent then brought out all the divorce paperwork and just let me read it on my own- no commentary, no spin. That's exactly what I needed. She's forming her own opinions about this right now, and she might need someone to go to. My step 'rents were a huge source of comfort at that time. That might not be you or Dad if you feed into this pettiness. It hurts when your partner's ex is lying about you, but it hurts more to find out the person who you trust and is supposed to love you unconditionally has been feeding you lies your whole life.
This isn't parental alienation, unfortunately. It only damaged the relationship with the stepmother, and the courts generally don't give a rip about that. (source: hard experience)
Well, that would suck if it’s the facts.
But it seems like the daughter might be willing to straight up testify that it Did damage her relationship to her father. Seems like the courts might listen to that. But maybe not.
A judge would be irritated if a parent brought this petty crap to court. OP I'm not saying your situation is petty, it's not at all, but in the grand scheme of the court, there are more pressing matter, is what I'm saying.
this is exactly why it hasn't been brought to court (by dad)
Dad absolutely knows (esp in our area, a commonplace 'Mother State') A judge would be *pretty peeved* at the waste of their time of dad asking the court to mediate something like this.
I read some of your other comments and she sounds like she's not stable 😕 at all. My daughter has been put in the same position only my ex was making up stories because he thought I told my daughter that he cheated. (he cheated, I didn't find out until the divorce discovery) He basically forced my hand in making me tell her what happened and even show her the court papers showing he cheated because she wanted proof because he kept lying and making stories up. It was horrible. I bawled and apologized that he made things so difficult. So I know how you feel. People are so selfish sometimes.
Basically the exact reasons we havent gone to court. Its only going to land him in hot water with a judge who is thoroughly annoyed with the waste of time
Sorry we’re both living this, but it’s semi-nice to commiserate and compare notes, I guess.
(I’m not really sorry. I could walk away but I love them both and couldn’t imagine walking away!)
The other thing is it’s not just accepting that the story is untrue, it’s having to accept that her mother is a liar who used her to get back at her dad. As a child of divorce I can tell you that’s really hard to understand when you’re a child (even at 16) and sometimes it’s easier to pretend it’s not happening. Setting boundaries with your parent is extremely hard. Feeling like you’re in the middle not only through no fault of your own, but because of a parent who is supposed to be trustworthy and protect you can feel like you just can’t compute. I’d suggest offering her someone to talk to. Phrase it in a way that you understand she may feel in a difficult position and you’d like her to have the option to talk about it with someone experienced in these things, but that also has no link to you or her mother. Then she can deal with her element of the betrayal.
This is a big part of it for sure. Something she’s believed about her parents for most of her lifetime is a lie, and it takes time to fully accept both that, and the fact of who told her that lie and why they did so.
I agree with you up to a certain point but that last condition, that the kid has to accept that what she is now told by her mother after 10 years and under duress from both OP and her father, I don't see that as being remotely reasonable.
There are two possibilities - either the kid thinks the mom was being truthful the first time and now is being forced to change her story, which the kid won't take well.
OR
The kid knows the mom lied 10 years ago in which case why should she believe her now?
>which the kid won't take well.
She won’t. She’ll be learning she’s been lied to for a decade. She’ll likely have a huge reaction.
Therapy might help, but that’s the reality and the sooner she faces it the better.
Her mother decided to ruin what could have been a very positive relationship for her daughter out of spite. This woman took 10 years away from you and her daughter.
Yeah what she did was flat out parental alienation. She planted a seed and let it grow. Over 10 years. Until her daughter had Decided to ask me about it. I guess she really thought her daughter would never actually flat out ask me About her mothers story.
What I wonder is whether or not her moms boyfriend/partner Is aware of this or Not. They have been together Maybe a year or so less time then me and my partner have been together... I asked my stepdaughter if this is the story that her mom's boyfriend knows to be the truth as well and she said that she doesn't know.
The fact that step daughter asked you about it may be a really good sign that she felt comfortable enough to do so and maybe starting to see how her mom is and realizing maybe mom lies
God some people are so immature. My son’s dad and stepmother told him some whoppers when he was younger to try get him to not want to live with me. The good news is once they’re older they figure it out.
You’re not overreacting but in my experience you just have to let it go for your child’s sake. Someone’s got to be the grown up in this situation and it’s clearly not going to be her mother. You don’t need to be friends with her but you don’t want your stepdaughter feeling like she has to choose between you both.
You are not overreacting. You are owed an apology and a retraction of this story from your partner's ex-wife.
I urge you to not push any of this on the daughter. The kid is caught in the middle, and eventually the truth will come clear to her. But it's tough finding out your Mom lied to you. And it's so easy for her to be caught in the middle of things and feel like she caused the fuss and or she's to blame.
As for the ex-wife, there were probably reasons like feeling lonely, hurt or wanting to lash out. Not *good* reasons, and hopefully she regrets them.
Just try to hold your head high and stay truthful with your partner's kid.
My partner had explained (some) context about their last couple years together that apparently she was working as a club hostess and was wanting to Work nights and not come home until ten am somedays, Mind you he's got a job as well and he's got to get to work in the morning and make a living. Well, thats not working out the best while they have a toddler at home. So apparently she just randomly decides that she wants to move out and make it on her own, and yeah she packed up and basically moved out *completely* unannounced and took their daughter with her. yes, we're both well aware that's wildly illegal and kidnapping. As mentioned in another comment, that's just a taste of the B.S she has done over the years. Its complicated Let's just put it that way.
So he is thinking that when things didn't work out the way she planned.She was probably planning to just come back home and act like things are back to normal. And when she couldn't do that, because I was now in the picture, she started doing all kinds of malicious things towards us.
She was blatantly trying to get her daughter to hate you and her father.
Parental alienation. It's a thing she could lose custody or child support/alimony for.
Not overreacting, that's terrible! Can I ask to clarify
Did you know the dad before the divorce? Coworkers, etc? Is there any reason the mom might have thought you two were together before you were? It doesn't justify what she said to her daughter (honestly even if it were true, a parent should shield their child from certain things not shove it in their faces to score points against an ex) but is it possible she thought it was true at the time?
That might help you bridge the gap with your step daughter. Showing grace (a willingness to forgive, help save face, someone who doesn't deserve it) towards her mom, i.e. saying that maybe she was mistaken vs lying, can help your step daughter come to terms with it. No she doesn't deserve to be shown grace, but you could come out of this with a relationship with your step daughter if you play it right!.
Best of fortune to you and your family, sincerely<3
Yeah was thinking the same thing. Have you seen the paperwork? Did the mom move in with her parents but they were still together? Did they ever legally separate? These are questions you should math with your husband based on facts and not his or her version of the truth.
Aside from that leave it alone. If bio-mom lied about this, I'm sure she has told her daughter lies in the decade since so let it be. If your SD ever asks you about it again, be factually honest but don't fuel your response with emotion. You can feel some type of way about it away from SD.
We were completely uninvolved with each other while they were together. we did technically know eachother by association but we never onve hung out together. There was no logical reason for her to expect that we were sneaking around together.
Completely agree with Fancy Garden. Tell the truth with kindness. "We may have been at this party or event at the same time because we both knew X person or worked for Y company, but we did not actually know each other or hang out together before your parents separated. I do not know how it's possible your mother would have believed that, but I'm very sorry she told you that as, even if it were true, it would only cause you unnecessary emotional pain and confusion at that age".
You are NTA here and not overreacting. Do not interact with that horrible woman. EVER without a third party present or CCd. This is your partners job now 100%. Yall both need to sit the step daughter down and tell her the truth. That poor girl. Hopeful you and her can both get therapy and support and grow to a new family. Good luck. 🖤
No ma'am you're not overreacting at all. That bonus parent role is a motherfucker! It's so delicate dance that no choreographer can adequately teach. It's tasking but you're ultimately not there for the child ,singularly. I'd let rhe father deal with it his way and I would cease communication with her until there comes a time where we'd have to speak. I would then confront her if the timing is correct. I wouldn't pretend nor be shy about my no longer dealing with her, but I wouldn't go blabbering to the world or social media about it.
She will definitely have to face you real soon and make no mistake about it there should be lots of eye contact and justified silence on your behalf when she tries to explain. After that,leave her to her own devices!
I’m so sorry. I have a similar situation, but my stepson is only 7 years old. When he asked his dad (my husband), his dad emphatically said that his mother lied.
Your husband needs to lay it out for his daughter. Her mom lied. Use the word “lie” and don’t flinch or use some kind of soft euphemism. It was an intentional and malicious lie.
There is no justification for this lie, and her mom was insecure, jealous, and immature for making up this story.
Your stepdaughter may or may not accept this after believing it to be true for 10+ years. But someday, she might catch her mom being dishonest and manipulative in other ways.
Also, she’s 16 now, and in the next 10 years, she’ll probably start to see her parents’ relationship differently.
It’s better for her father and you to keep sticking to the truth and the facts. You guys will have the track record of being honest people, and her mom will have the damaged credibility.
It's not the worst thing she did. She also "practiced acting" by having the younger child learn to lie about me. Really dangerous lies that almost got my own child taken away from me.
In the end, she moved away and her kids chose to live with us. Her daughter is going to be my maid of honor next year and her son will dance with me for the bride-father dance since I lost both of my parents.
are you my mom? Cause this is what she went through when she met my dad who already had my half sister and an ex wife who ditched after he learned about her cheating and went to florida for several months
basically my older sis was told that dad and step mom wouldnt love her once the baby (me) was born.
Oh no, I wish she had taken off to Florida, though! She did leave after 12 years of torturing me by spreading lies all over town & we have full custody of their children who chose to stay with us.
We never had a blending baby. She did her best to torment us. My petty was enjoying the fact that both kids (one is fully grown now) chose to live with us and only see her once every 4 months even though she only lives an hour away.
It hurt our kids that she left like that and blamed then the way she always had to blame everyone else for everything. Her son is more forgiving, although he suffered the most at her hands for refusing to lie about me. The daughter is angry with her, most likely because she did everything her mother ever told her to do and still was betrayed by her. I am very close w both kids now, thankfully.
I did tell her it was untrue as she was telling e
me this story. Her reaction to my response seemed like she didnt know who to believe. the damage is done. you don't get a mulligan on time. I'm just feeling so red hot angry at her mother. she did this deliberately and let it be a fact in her childs mind that I'm the reason her family is broken for well over a decade. bit it was all a lie and caused (I feel like at this point) irreversible damage to our relationship
Honestly, with the truth out, this relationship can be mended. At least she's not already an adult living far away from everyone. That's when it's hard to repair the damage. Are you willing to do the work necessary to repair it? Do the math and get your paperwork together if you still have it. Cell phones have been around this whole time, so proof with dates should be quite easy with a bit of work. Show her the facts and offer her counseling. Maybe family counseling with her father included would be helpful. Show her by example that you care and are willing to do the work. If her mother is this much of a mess, she'll probably keep digging her own hole with this and other issues.
Nope
When someone tells a lie about me, I may forgive over time, but it isn't something I think most people forget. I mean, how can you forget? A person made a conscious decision to untruthfully attack your character. I don't think not forgetting it happened and being mindful that it could happen again is overreacting. I don't think wanting a conversation with that person is overreacting.
But in your specific case, you already know what she is. Why would you do anything for her unless it's something you want to do?
I'm the type that would confront her when I could have a private moment with her and tell her exactly what I think of what she did.
I hate this shit because now you have to wonder what else she told her daughter that is also made up to alienate you and her father from her.
You're really not overreacting. This type of thing is always engaging if true. It takes a real selfish type of individual to poison your kid's relationship with the other parents regardless of what happened between them.
Everyone needs to sit down at the same time and discuss this ... it can't be one conversation with mom and next week one with dad.. everyone needs to be same bat time same bat channel and fix this..
Poor kids getting mixed signals from her parents.. wants to believe them both... making step mom the bad guy...
her mom does not deal well with any kind of confrontation. anytime something difficuly cones up she avoids it like the plague.
she is such a shining example of how to problem solve. its really difficult with her. I've basically had to completely step off in my role as a step parent bevause of how things have escalated with her
NTA.
Mom knew exactly what she was doing and never expected to be called out on it. Fuck her.
Imagine the relationship that you would have been able to foster with your step daughter over the years if she hadn’t always thought you were some horrible, adulterous whore (that’s most likely how it was portrayed to her, obviously).. it ruined what could have been awesome. And now you’ll never know.
My step daughter and her mother (who she was estranged from for four years and wasn’t a part of her daughters life AT ALL from the ages of 12-16, mind you..) have tried convincing people that her father, my husband and father of my two young children, is an abusive pedophile. All lies. Went to court. Judge ruled in our favor without even reviewing all of the mounds of evidence we had (there were other accusations as well, and we had physical proof that absolutely everything they said was untrue). This all came about because step daughter got grounded, and she ran away to mom to avoid being held accountable. Mom helped her formulate these lies, and they have tried to convince my husbands family as well as mine. Luckily, we have a 2 inch binder FULL of proof that what she has said isn’t true (they literally told my own sister that my husband was 27 and her mom was 17 when she was born, so he’s “always been a pedo”… imagine her face when I showed her the fucking birth certificate that proved that false! Among so many other lies that we were able to prove false), so anyone who actually has the balls to confront us about any of it is immediately like “oh shit”… but yeah.. they can both fuck all the way out of my and my children’s lives. My husband’s relationship with her is up to him and none of my business, but I’ll absolutely never have anything to do with her ever again. They’ve maliciously tried to tell lies to ruin our reputation and affect our relationships with other family members.
Your step daughter’s mom maliciously told lies with the full intention of ruining your reputation and relationship with her daughter. Fuck her.
Its the 10 years that can't be reversed and done over that kinda gets me the most....
whats the one thing you don't get a mulligan on? Time.
10 years this girl has thought that I'm a homewrecker and the reason why her family is broken. But its a total lie. Its really hard to just forget about it.
Exactly.
And, unfortunately, the age range that she’s believed this is so crucial, who knows if being confronted with the truth can ever really change that perception of you. No matter what, whether or not you can prove to her or convince her of the truth, she’ll always have that core belief that you are the bad guy. It’s been ingrained into her.
It was wrong of her if she actually told her that, but with it being so long ago, I'd honestly let it go. You're not overreacting by being upset by it, but refusing to talk to her ever again might cause more trouble than it's worth. She's going to be a part of your life for as long as you're in your stepdaughter's life, so it's best to let it be water under the bridge if you can stomach it. Not to mention, do you know for sure your stepdaughter is telling the truth? She may very well be, but kids lie for seemingly no reason sometimes even when they're teenagers.
I'll probably be dealing with the same thing in the future. My wife and I got together after she and her ex husband split, but he's not very bright and still considered it cheating since she didn't tell him we were seeing each other right away and their divorce wasn't finalized. They had been apart for months though. He and I get along fine now, but I can see him telling my stepson that his mom cheated with me. If it don't apply, let it fly.
The daughter needs to be told the truth. As someone that grew up in a fairly similar circumstance, I still have resentment. Kids are very observant, even at that age, and if you started dating a couple of months after they split, it would seem very plausible to her that you may have been seeing each other before the split. If she is not told the truth and believe the truth, she will resent you forever.
Are you overreacting - nope. Are you overreacting when you say you don't want to speak to her ever again - again no. Problem is that she owes you a big apology but seems to have already decided question #2 for you
Not overreacting. I raised my step son since he was 1. When he was 4, he had began comfortably referring to me as “mom” when he was with us, which shifted to us having more primary custody than his mom (they agreed to flip flop cause she didn’t want a fight while he was in school and wanted primary then since we lived about 4.5 hours apart.) My (now ex) husband and I spoke at the time prior to him calling me mom that his take on it was that he didn’t want to force his son to call me anything. If it happened naturally, he was okay with that. I was okay with that idea too.
So naturally when he started calling me mom, it melted me. He referred to his bio mom as “mommy” and called her “mommy.” One day out of the clear blue as I am tucking him into bed after he had returned from a weekend visit with his mommy, he starts saying “goodnight, uncle.” I said “uncle? What?” And I kinda laughed. I thought he was being silly but he was serious and clearly genuinely confused. I told him I wasn’t his uncle bcuz I wasn’t his dad’s brother, so he said “goodnight aunt,” and I again said, “I’m not your dad’s sister either,” and then he said, “but then can I call you my cousin?” And I said, “buddy, why are you struggling over what to call me?” With tears in his eyes, he said, “because I can’t call you mom cause mommy said it hurts her feelings.” I was immediately heartbroken and angry, but couldn’t react at all. I just simply said, “oh that’s okay. I don’t want to hurt her feelings either. You can just call me (first name).” And he said “but I want to call you something.” And I said “that is something. That’s my name. You can keep calling me that.”
When I told his dad, we were both equally pissed. We had to sit him down the next day and chat with him about how we don’t expect him to call me anything. A few days later, while getting ready for bed again, he thanked me. He was and always has been super chatty with me, even as a kid cause I just listened. After he thanked me, he volunteered to me how it all happened. That his mom was fishing (my words) and asking him what he calls people. She asked him what do you call me? What do you call her (his grandma) and he what does he call (dad’s name)? Then she asked what he called me and as soon as he said “mom,” she started wailing and crying and told him that I was NOT his mom and I never will be and he never has to see me as his mom. He said “but she’s my step mom.” And she literally explained to her 4.5 year old what it means to be married and how that makes you a step parent (we weren’t married at the time, just clearly long term and I had a major bond with their son.) she explained to him the legal process and how I’m legally not even his step mom so I’m not a mom at all and that IF we ever got married, it still didn’t make me his mom and he never has to see me as that or listen to me as a mom.
Let me tell you, this shit floored me. There’s no way he was lying cause no kid would have all that info just because about step mom and marriage, etc. I was upset that our philosophy was not to tell him what to call me meanwhile his mom told him what not to call me and he struggled with it for a long time. The name “mom” soon became essentially “pretty please,” so when he really wanted something, he would say mom when he asked otherwise he never called me that.
I did feel slightly vindicated one day when she picked him up for her visitation and he was talking to her and excitedly say, “oh, hey (my name)” while holding her hand and looking up at her. The look of horror on her face that he just confused her with me and she would have never known if he meant me or her if she didn’t direct him about the word “mom.” It blows my mind that people would do such things to their kids.
We have since become friends after my divorce and hashed out a lot of past issues. She admitted the things she did out of insecurity but had always known that I never wanted to replace her but be in addition to her in her son’s life. He’s 17.5 now. 18 in a couple weeks and we still have a bond, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to feel upset or angry. I cannot stand people who do shit to their kids to spite the other parent/significant other.
Nope
She made a terrible lie to poison her own kid towards you trying to blame the dissolution of her marriage.
Not surprising she's avoiding you as she behaved like a giant AH.
I don't think you're overreacting, that is a huge violation. But what I've learned as I've grown is that theres THE TRUTH and then there's the different perspectives. I saw a comment earlier that asked if the mom really believed she was lying and you responded "maybe, this is the kind of thing she does."
I think you're naive to believe you can move in with a man with a young child and have things go smoothly with the mother and expect everyone to be one big happy family. Life just doesn't work out that way. People can be... Angry... Bitter... Want to drag you down to their level... Jealous... Delusional. These are all very human traits. History and literature is full of scorned woman, evil stepmother tropes.
Of course you can't help that someone was intentionally deceptive. But you're not the first person who's been lied on. A 4 year old was never going to have a chance at understanding why her parents broke up, and there was this new lady "a few months" later. Just because the dad didn't cheat with you, doesn't mean the mom didn't really have suspicions that she felt fit to share with her daughter at the time, who of course would have asked prying questions she had no good answers for. You can only rest easy knowing you didn't actually do anything wrong, and hope the daughter will see sense someday. Some people never get that closure but you can't really control how others see you. Don't beat yourself up over it. Try your best to communicate, and know it isn't your fault.
If that's the only undermining she did then consider yourself lucky. The mom was probably mad at the time at something regarding you or the dad and made up the stupid story. I wouldn't be upset about that but with the fact she won't own it, apologize to you and the kid. If she does then let it slide and consider yourself lucky...there are people out there that have it a hundred times worse than you.
she once refused her daughter to come over to our house anymore after she found out that I took her daughter, my niece and my other friends son to a Disney show for all the parents while they were working. this is just a taste.
The thing is at this point.I'm already kind of doing that. But I just know that 1 day she's going to randomly Call me, wanting to ask for my help, for something regarding her daughter probably. and quite frankly I don't have anything nice to say to her. And I'm wondering if y'all think I would be overreacting if I were to basically tell her to f*** off if she were to try and talk to me and befriend me like nothing has happened, like she's done numerous times before.
As satisfying as it might be to say that to her, I’d suggest when she asks you for help, you make it a condition that she tell her daughter she lied to her all those years ago and that you aren’t in anyway responsible for the break up of her father’s marriage.
And make it a condition that she tells your step daughter in the presence of both you and your husband so you can validate it happened.
Ball’s in her court now. I doubt she’ll ever ask you for further help.
Not at all! I have the same issue with my husband and my daughter. My ex husband, her dad, told her that Jeremy, my now husband, was the reason why we got divorced. That was completely untrue. But it's difficult to navigate having that conversation with her. If she knew the real reason, she would be devastated. She adores her dad. He's a totally different parent than he was when we were married and they have a really good relationship now. I don't want to be like hey your dad is a liar because that will only hurt her. Don't come for me...my husband agrees with my decision. It just makes things unnecessarily difficult. She is only 10. There have been several times that she has referenced things that he has told her that were just untrue. I think she was puzzled by bewilderment and just left the subject alone. I might try to broach the subject when she's older. But you definitely aren't overreacting.
You aren’t overreacting. You have every right to be upset and distance yourself from the ex. One area I disagree with is how your stepdaughter fits in at this point. She is old enough to hear the truth from her dad. But it is a fine line to not make her any more of a pawn than her mother did - she is still a child. I’m guessing that if this happened when you were starting to babysit, she was laying the groundwork to protect her territory. Ironic since the 5 year old had to be facing more feelings of abandonment since mommy wasn’t going to be around as much
I can’t believe you are even questioning yourself. The only reason for be civil if you have to see this woman unavoidably, is for your step daughter’s sake. It’s a good example as how to have an adult response to a toxic person. Don’t engage. If you have to, make it short and sweet.
As bad as what she did was to you, it was even worse to her daughter. She probably felt uncomfortable in her father’s home and had to struggle with knowledge, even if it was true, no kid that she should know about. Having a good relationship with you would have greatly benefited her daughter, as well. The more people who she has to love and guide her, the better she is. That’s why they say it takes a village.
I do hope your relationship is getting better with your stepdaughter now that the truth is out. If not, maybe a few sessions in family counseling with you, her, and her father could be of great help. The mom hurt that bond, as well, and the stronger it can be repaired, the better. This lady does not deserve kids if she’s willing to play mind games with them.
I don’t get why you are surprised of this by a single mother. Are you all from the US. This is the play from more single mothers then not. Sorry to the good single moms, but the shitty ones out number you. I stay far away from these types. They are manipulative and victims in their world. I got one next door and she’s calling the cops every single day. No im not in the ghetto.
You might be over reacting in that you are still stewing on it. It was a shit thing for her to do, but it was a decade ago, and you now have a good relationship with the stepdaughter. Everything was be copacetic with the mom until now.
Again, what she did was wrong against you and your partner. But my sister in Christ, it’s been 10 years. Let it go and nurture the relationship you have with the daughter and don’t risk what you have by being ugly to her mother, who was clearly hurting after the separation and did something bad. She has to live with her sins and her part in poisoning her daughter.
Sorry but I feel this was handled wrong. Her dad should have sat down and talked with his daughter first about why he and her mother separated. Then he should have contacted his ex. He was mad but not mad enough to talk to his ex-wife to correct a lie. Your stepdaughter was 5 years old at the time. If her mother told her you were the reason for the split up and then she spent a lot of time with you in her father's home shortly after the breakup then I can see from a child's point of view why she would believe it.
Your step daughter felt comfortable enough with you to bring up the subject. You must have built a good relationship with her. Now she is a teenager. She is trying to understand her parents split up and heal. I suspect she suffered some kind of trauma around this event.
I completely understand you wanting to defend yourself but the person you should be upset with is not only the ex but also your partner who clearly should have set the record straight with his ex and his daughter. You immediately talked to your partner when this happened but when weeks went by and he did nothing , you contacted his ex. I suspect the underlying reason you are still upset is your partner's response to this whole situation. Turn your attention away from the ex but to your partner. He has done nothing to support you in this. You have become the villain in this situation through no fault of your own.
Has the father stepped in at all to fix this situation? He definitely should. This should not be on you at all.
He needs to confront the daughter and the ex.
It isn’t healthy and isn’t good for the daughter to have these mixed feelings.
You could also tell the mom that you have no intention of replacing her as a mom. That you just want to provide her daughter with extra love and support.
But again. The father needs to step in on this and nip it in the butt.
He should have when she was younger too.
I would have been furious if someone started doing mind games like that to a young child.
I mean… this is par for the course, from my experience. My stepdaughter’s mother has told our kid no end of mistruths about me and my relationship with her father, and she has tried to torpedo our relationship many times over the past five years.
I’m fortunate that my kiddo and I quickly forged a tight bond when she was very small (which, I’m sure, contributed to her mother’s insecurity and bad actions), so kiddo has always come to me when she has questions brought to the surface by her mother’s comments. And even though her dad and I have been able to dispatch most of the bullshit, it still used to drive me absolutely crazy.
Real question: You’re not overreacting but… why are you wasting your energy?
I used to get myself twisted into knots over these things, and then I realized… it doesn’t matter. She may be the biological mother, but if you have a solid relationship with your kid, she has no power.
Kids know who loves them and who takes care of them — and if she isn’t sure you’re telling the truth, it’s absolutely appropriate for her father to set the record straight. “I don’t know why mommy told you that. Maybe she was sad and hurting and trying to hurt our relationship… but what she said is not true, and I’m sorry.”
The mother is always going to be in your life. And she’s probably never going to truly like you or value what you’ve done for her daughter over the past ten years. But she ultimately only has the power that you allow her to have. So just don’t give her any.
Kill her with kindness or pretend she doesn’t exist or whatever gives you peace of mind. But certainly stop shedding tears and perseverating on it. She messed up and she knows it. And more importantly, your kid knows it.
I've been in a similar situation. My step daughter's mind (we weren't married either) was poisoned by her father. It wont get any better for years. In my case, I ended it by breaking off the relationship and moving out.
Maybe your option is to move out but still see the father. Perhaps her father could intervene and present the truth.
Obviously she is buying into the mother's lie. The only hope you have is she will grow-up and move out, if you stay.
Just be good to your stepdaughter and move on. I wouldn’t put too much energy trying to deal with the ex wife. Don’t let what she said years ago to stress you out. Karma is a bitch.
That poor kid.
So I'm the mother in this situation. Only he actually did cheat, and I know this for a fact because of discovery via lawyer. But I did not tell my 5 yr old daughter.
You have every right to be upset BUT try to put the shoe on the other foot. You said it was abrupt. She might be be making an assumption based on lack of information and just drew a conclusion. There's no justification in telling a 5 yr old that though.
BUT for the kid, and only go the kid, don't go at the mom. Be neutral. Kiddo has already been traumatized and she doesn't need more discourse. I think you try to put yourself in mom's shoes, have a calm conversation with her and say hey, I'm sorry that you got that impression but I promise that's not how things went down. For the kids sake, swallow your pride, take one for the team. You're a mom too and this is what you do to have a cohesive parenting unit.
thank you for your input everyone.... moving forward I'll just do my best to do right by my stepdaughter, be there for her if she needs me or wants my help for anything, and just not deal with her mother anymore. I guess I was kind of getting fixated on telling her off. telling her what a shitty person she is. but it doesn't matter at this point to do that. If she really has the audacity to approach me in the near future I'll just basically tell her she has not just burned but *incinerated* this bridge and theres no fixing it. My stepdaughter turns 18 in a couple years so I just have to make it through that without absolutely losing my sh*t on her mother and I should for the most part be able to avoid her 99.9999% of the time😂
Nothing was to be gained by you reaching out to the bitch, and you also broke your SD's confidence in telling you anything that should have been held in confidence. All you've done is to now make everyone uncomfortable.
You're not wrong to be outraged. You did, however, overreact.
You're not overreacting, but is it possible your husband had an affair with someone the ex assumed was you? It would explain why you don't know what was said when when your husband spoke to the ex.
No, i dont think you're overreacting at all. I'd be extremely pissed if someone was telling anyone I was a homewrecker but I'd be even more so when the person they told was an innocent kid..
Is there a chance that the mum thinks that it is true? Could she really think you're the reason for their marriage breaking down and that he was cheating with you before they split? especially if you guys became a couple quickly after they split.
Was he shearling with someone else, and she just assumed after you got together that you must have been his affir partner. You might want to find the answers to these questions because it might explain why she doesn't want to talk to you about it now.
Here’s my $0.02….
I will start off by saying I am not a “secret” keeper especially if the secret is harmful to another person. I would ask your husband to ask her out for lunch/ dinner. I’d join the conversation WITH the child in tow. She is old enough to have this conversation. The 4 of you need to sit & have a respectful & open conversation. Carrying this anger around will do nothing but destroy you. I would not start the conversation in an accusatory manner, but rather come from a point of compassion. I say this bc we all know you get more bees with honey than vinegar. You can coax the truth out of her quicker if you are nice…. It alleviates the defensiveness. Women do WILD SHIT when they feel like they’ve been “wronged” they exaggerate, they lie, they are sometimes out for revenge. Keep her anger & embarrassment at a minimum. Also, keep your anger in check. Many times when someone gets confronted, they feel like their back is against the wall & what I’ve come to realize is after the original question is posed, all you need to do is sit back and listen….. this often leads to that person having diarrhea of the mouth & they spill all the tea. Staying silent works wonders! I also used this method with my children & they ALWAYS ratted themselves out🤣🤷♀️I understand she was livid that her marriage ended & she wanted to “get back” @ her ex…. Happens everyday. However, many years has passed & it’s time to come clean. I have read other comments where people have said your husband should talk to her…. Alone. I wholeheartedly disagree. Yall need to be a UNITED FRONT. I would not have this conversation behind closed doors, it needs to be done out in public. Tempers are less likely to flair if there is an audience. Good luck.
You are more than kind in this situation. I would not waste time or effort with the Mom. There will be a time when the daughter realizes who was lying and why she lied. Don't cause more damage to the step daughter. Sometimes being silent and keeping your own council it the best for everyone.
Is it possible that her mother truly believes that you were having an affair?
You might not know, but you didn’t give us any details about why they broke up/she left him. His turnaround was pretty quick to get with you, so maybe if she had suspicions he was cheating on her then she thought it was confirmed when you popped up a few months later. I’m not saying she’s justified in telling the child that, but I could see how she could truly believe it. My mom was the exact same way with my dad, even though my dad swears up and down things didn’t start with my step mom until after they were separated. Then again, my mom never said anything about it when I was a kid. So I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but I hope you can have a good relationship with the daughter as she gets older.
I would try to find things to bond with her over that can be unique to you two. That really helped me get closer with my own step mom!
I have a friend that is going through a similar situation, but in reverse. The stepmom keeps trying to brain wash her kids when they visit her. She just tolerates it. My feeling is that she needs to intervene or things will get worse. In my opinion ignoring things, by either party, is not helpful.
NTA but your husband could have given her more child support money, or said “No, it’s not possible. My wife works too” More money may have helped her financial issues and possibly shut her up.
She’s awful for lying; but if you didn’t exist……what were their other childcare options?
Of course they do. But If that were the case I feel like her mom would have probably been all over her case about ... the complete radio silence from her mother tells me its absolutely true that her mother told her that.
Ok, I'm going to admit that I didn't read the whole thing and misunderstood everything lol I down voted myself
It was so long!!! But I read everything now. Sorry.
"My husband ex wife told my stepdaughter that they broke up because of an affair with me for over 10 years, and it's just not true"
That's all you had to say lol
Anyways, just let it go. I promise you that's going to be the best thing you will ever do for yourself.
"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Feel what you feel, then give compassion to why somebody would do this. Most ppl do things not because of you but because of an internal conflict.
Now that the news broke, we have a chance to heal both families, or we can start the amputation.
You aren’t overreacting. However, pick and choose your battles. These ten years are gone girlfriend. And as much as it sucks…there’s not a damn thing you can do to change it. Is it fair? Nope. Does that matter? Even less.
This girls parents mean something different to her than you. And the harder you push to “bring things to light”…the more chaotic you’ll appear. Her parents, not her mother nor your partner are at all affected by this seemingly meaningless white lie. For obvious reasons…
Welcome to your role as “sacrificial pawn”…you’ve been here for quite some time…now there’s just a name to it. Your purpose there is to take the hits. The blame. The negative attitudes. All of it. Her parents, both of them…have strategically placed you in between themselves and alllllll of those completely normal feelings that a little girl might have throughout her adolescence towards her mother and father. Why? “Because being a grown up is just soooo harddd sometimes. Wahhhh I can’t handle being a good parent to my children and them not liking it sometimes…wahhhhh so I will use this other hooman to shield me…because that’s so much easier!!! Wahhh also I don’t really give a crap about anyone but me…including my kids…wahhh.” If they did, this wouldn’t even be a post on Reddit.
And I know you’re chomping at the bit to tell me that your husband “had no idea this lie had been told…” He did. I promise. It was even easier for him to get away with because all he has to do was be super passive with his daughter about it…change the subject, turn up the music on the car ride, make a comment about the situation on in some country with seemingly worse problems than this one…and he didn’t have to say a thing to you. He just had to practice one line…”I had no idea.” He was gaslighting both you and his daughter. At least mom told a flat out lie. Gaslighting is a whole other level.
Don’t go kookoo trying to remix concrete that this girl’s parents already poured and let cure. It’s tiring. Trust me. I’d tell you to run. But that feels wrong being that I haven’t yet. But hey…what you can do…is keep being your awesome self (if awesome is what you are). Don’t do it in hopes of changing anyone’s minds. Do it because that’s who you are. And no dumbass is gonna lie that out of you. Don’t let ‘em.
PS…can you now copy and paste this to me? But I’ll pretend it’s from you…so that maybe I’ll take the advice. Finally. K thanks so much!
You can be mad about it as long as you want. But you're letting that lie, and the person that told it, live rent free in your brain. Just let it go and be done with it. It's better for your mental health and well being.
People that know and love you, have either forgotten about it, or didn't believe it to begin with.
No you’re not the AH. The mom certainly needs to apologize and sit down with her daughter (hopefully with dad there) and tell her daughter the truth. She’s avoiding you because she got caught and can’t justify what she said and never straightening the story. For some people they rather run than admit what they did. I think she knows her daughter will be upset with her. Did your husband try to sort everything out?
yeah her avoidance is pretty clear; she doesnt want to face her horrible lies in front of all of us. she wont really let any kind of meeting with all of us (her (mom), her partner, my partner (dad), and myself) together happen at this point, just excuses after excuses why she cant make it happen, and basically she just tries to talk it out on the phone, so that way when the difficult conversation comes up, she can easily just hang up the phone and end the conversation when it gets to stuff she doesnt want to talk about. its honestly baffling how much she does to avoid things regarding co parenting. my partner has spoken to his daughters mother about this whole thing but I have no idea what was said. I didnt ask what was said because at the time I was already seething. I just let it go and didnt really bother to find out what was said between the two of them, I'm sure he basically told her that she is an asshole and a liar for telling such a ridiculous blatant lie to a child.
You and your partner need to sit his daughter down and tell and he should tell her the TRUTH. Let her know you have been terribly sad ever since you found out this information. Be prepared with factual information (the dates you met her father) and also be empathetic towards her mother, saying sometimes when people are heartbroken they make up tales to put their spouse in a bad light. If you feel it is necessary, you can present this information in family counseling but for god’s sake, inform her—she deserves to know. No, you are not overreacting. But take ACTION.
Agree but it is up to the parents to discuss this with their daughter and they tell her the truth. Let dad be the one to provide the facts about when the relationship with the partner started. Why is the father silent? Why is he doing nothing to support his partner ?The partner needs to pay attention to this. Obviously ,the daughter has been suffering. There's some kind of trauma around this. To the partner's credit the daughter felt comfortable discussing the situation with her. The partner is hurt but she needs to step back and let the parents handle this. If she doesn't this will wreck her relationship with the daughter. The daughter and the partner need the truth. Could be both parents have not been completely honest. I am speaking from experience. I was a child of divorce and as an adult I tried to get the answers from both parents. Both are now deceased. My mother lied on my father and would never admit the truth. She caused her children to have hurt and pain. After her death, my aunt revealed the truth. I loved her but I don't respect her.
Id ask the mom in front of the child. Liars who stick to their lies, must be called out in front of who they told the story to. They'll still not answer you, will throw their hands up and act flabbergasted, but that's an answer unto itself for the person who was lied to.
My mom told me many lies about my dad growing up and I just accepted them and believed them for some reason but the truth always comes out and it definitely did when I got older. I resent my mother for many reasons and her telling me lies and also not letting me form my own adult opinions about ppl are definitely part of that. Your step daughter will see the truth and will resent her mother over this which is sad but also the karma her mom deserves and I believe this is exactly what the mom needs to change her behavior and become a better person. Your step daughter will also have every right to resent her mom over this and so do you because the mom wronged all of you. Ppl can't just do this stuff and expect everyone to forgive and forget.
Totally agree. I'd still be fuming if I were in your shoes. It's unbelievable that she'd tell her daughter such a lie and then just avoid you when confronted. You have every right to be angry and upset. It's not okay to manipulate your child like that.
NTA. Does your stepdaughter know the truth now? If not- you should show her that you have texted her mother and her mother has Not responded “yes you did” or anything like that. And I agree with the other comment. Her admission of this lie to her daughter in front of you and husband is a condition of Any future support. Get husband on board with this. And I’d be telling step daughter that if She wants any positive things from you, it’s a condition that she hears all this and accepts the truth.
I immediately told mu stepdaughter that it was untrue as she was telling me this story. And she didn't really verbally respond to my response that it was untrue... so from her facial/physical reaction, it kind of seemed to me that she is not sure who to believe. edit: it kind of seemed to me like she is not sure who to believe. I reacted in a genuine way that I was shocked and hurt. I feel like, she saw my physical response and felt it to be a genuine response, but on the flip side of that coin, being that she has already had this in her mind for years that its the way it happened, she seemed unsure/confused.
Time to demand that mom tells the truth. Dad could also absolutely consider taking this to court. I’d ask stepdaughter to tell this story on camera. Or ask her questions about it over text.
I dont know what bringing this to court would do unless Dad was trying to seek full custody? And it would take more than that. Also, court can be traumatic for kids, even if they're not there. Escalating like that can make a difficult situation worse between the parents, which then makes it harder for the kid. I dont think OP is overreacting, but kids' feelings are more important than OP in this. Be the better parent. Give her someone to talk to. Try to be as open, transparent, and unbiased as possible when she has questions, and have a conversation with Dad to be clear what that means and how much he's comfortable sharing. I was this age when I started putting together the lies one parent was telling me about the other, and it irreparably broke our relationship. I was told the parent I lived with was blocking the other from seeing me over child support. I was told the courts weren't fair. I was told it was all a big misunderstanding. Custodial parent then brought out all the divorce paperwork and just let me read it on my own- no commentary, no spin. That's exactly what I needed. She's forming her own opinions about this right now, and she might need someone to go to. My step 'rents were a huge source of comfort at that time. That might not be you or Dad if you feed into this pettiness. It hurts when your partner's ex is lying about you, but it hurts more to find out the person who you trust and is supposed to love you unconditionally has been feeding you lies your whole life.
Yes- custody based on parental alienation.
This isn't parental alienation, unfortunately. It only damaged the relationship with the stepmother, and the courts generally don't give a rip about that. (source: hard experience)
Falsely accusing the father of infidelity didn’t damage his relationship with his daughter? I feel like that’s unlikely.
I truly hope you never find yourself in the situation!! It is not a great feeling to hear that you matter absolutely nada in the situation.
Well, that would suck if it’s the facts. But it seems like the daughter might be willing to straight up testify that it Did damage her relationship to her father. Seems like the courts might listen to that. But maybe not.
A judge would be irritated if a parent brought this petty crap to court. OP I'm not saying your situation is petty, it's not at all, but in the grand scheme of the court, there are more pressing matter, is what I'm saying.
this is exactly why it hasn't been brought to court (by dad) Dad absolutely knows (esp in our area, a commonplace 'Mother State') A judge would be *pretty peeved* at the waste of their time of dad asking the court to mediate something like this.
I read some of your other comments and she sounds like she's not stable 😕 at all. My daughter has been put in the same position only my ex was making up stories because he thought I told my daughter that he cheated. (he cheated, I didn't find out until the divorce discovery) He basically forced my hand in making me tell her what happened and even show her the court papers showing he cheated because she wanted proof because he kept lying and making stories up. It was horrible. I bawled and apologized that he made things so difficult. So I know how you feel. People are so selfish sometimes.
You really could not even imagine some of the insane stories that she has tried to fabricate about herself
Problem is, even if she is unstable, if the kid is dressed and fed and happy… good luck proving anything to a judge.
Basically the exact reasons we havent gone to court. Its only going to land him in hot water with a judge who is thoroughly annoyed with the waste of time
Sorry we’re both living this, but it’s semi-nice to commiserate and compare notes, I guess. (I’m not really sorry. I could walk away but I love them both and couldn’t imagine walking away!)
Whoa broski…I feel your passion…but don’t go seeding the clouds during a rainstorm…
The other thing is it’s not just accepting that the story is untrue, it’s having to accept that her mother is a liar who used her to get back at her dad. As a child of divorce I can tell you that’s really hard to understand when you’re a child (even at 16) and sometimes it’s easier to pretend it’s not happening. Setting boundaries with your parent is extremely hard. Feeling like you’re in the middle not only through no fault of your own, but because of a parent who is supposed to be trustworthy and protect you can feel like you just can’t compute. I’d suggest offering her someone to talk to. Phrase it in a way that you understand she may feel in a difficult position and you’d like her to have the option to talk about it with someone experienced in these things, but that also has no link to you or her mother. Then she can deal with her element of the betrayal.
This is a big part of it for sure. Something she’s believed about her parents for most of her lifetime is a lie, and it takes time to fully accept both that, and the fact of who told her that lie and why they did so.
I agree with you up to a certain point but that last condition, that the kid has to accept that what she is now told by her mother after 10 years and under duress from both OP and her father, I don't see that as being remotely reasonable. There are two possibilities - either the kid thinks the mom was being truthful the first time and now is being forced to change her story, which the kid won't take well. OR The kid knows the mom lied 10 years ago in which case why should she believe her now?
>which the kid won't take well. She won’t. She’ll be learning she’s been lied to for a decade. She’ll likely have a huge reaction. Therapy might help, but that’s the reality and the sooner she faces it the better.
Has she ever thought about the damage that she caused her daughter? What a terrible person.
Her mother decided to ruin what could have been a very positive relationship for her daughter out of spite. This woman took 10 years away from you and her daughter.
Yeah what she did was flat out parental alienation. She planted a seed and let it grow. Over 10 years. Until her daughter had Decided to ask me about it. I guess she really thought her daughter would never actually flat out ask me About her mothers story. What I wonder is whether or not her moms boyfriend/partner Is aware of this or Not. They have been together Maybe a year or so less time then me and my partner have been together... I asked my stepdaughter if this is the story that her mom's boyfriend knows to be the truth as well and she said that she doesn't know.
Take that to the courts. This is parental alienation and the courts should clear this up.
The fact that step daughter asked you about it may be a really good sign that she felt comfortable enough to do so and maybe starting to see how her mom is and realizing maybe mom lies
Does your stepdaughter understand now that it was a lie?
keep in mind that the mother may actually believe this story
She is the type of person to start believing her own delusional lies.So this is not completely impossible.
God some people are so immature. My son’s dad and stepmother told him some whoppers when he was younger to try get him to not want to live with me. The good news is once they’re older they figure it out. You’re not overreacting but in my experience you just have to let it go for your child’s sake. Someone’s got to be the grown up in this situation and it’s clearly not going to be her mother. You don’t need to be friends with her but you don’t want your stepdaughter feeling like she has to choose between you both.
This 😕
You are not overreacting. You are owed an apology and a retraction of this story from your partner's ex-wife. I urge you to not push any of this on the daughter. The kid is caught in the middle, and eventually the truth will come clear to her. But it's tough finding out your Mom lied to you. And it's so easy for her to be caught in the middle of things and feel like she caused the fuss and or she's to blame. As for the ex-wife, there were probably reasons like feeling lonely, hurt or wanting to lash out. Not *good* reasons, and hopefully she regrets them. Just try to hold your head high and stay truthful with your partner's kid.
My partner had explained (some) context about their last couple years together that apparently she was working as a club hostess and was wanting to Work nights and not come home until ten am somedays, Mind you he's got a job as well and he's got to get to work in the morning and make a living. Well, thats not working out the best while they have a toddler at home. So apparently she just randomly decides that she wants to move out and make it on her own, and yeah she packed up and basically moved out *completely* unannounced and took their daughter with her. yes, we're both well aware that's wildly illegal and kidnapping. As mentioned in another comment, that's just a taste of the B.S she has done over the years. Its complicated Let's just put it that way. So he is thinking that when things didn't work out the way she planned.She was probably planning to just come back home and act like things are back to normal. And when she couldn't do that, because I was now in the picture, she started doing all kinds of malicious things towards us.
And you never thought to yourself that maybe you should get out of this mess and not waste 10 years?
She was blatantly trying to get her daughter to hate you and her father. Parental alienation. It's a thing she could lose custody or child support/alimony for.
Not overreacting, that's terrible! Can I ask to clarify Did you know the dad before the divorce? Coworkers, etc? Is there any reason the mom might have thought you two were together before you were? It doesn't justify what she said to her daughter (honestly even if it were true, a parent should shield their child from certain things not shove it in their faces to score points against an ex) but is it possible she thought it was true at the time? That might help you bridge the gap with your step daughter. Showing grace (a willingness to forgive, help save face, someone who doesn't deserve it) towards her mom, i.e. saying that maybe she was mistaken vs lying, can help your step daughter come to terms with it. No she doesn't deserve to be shown grace, but you could come out of this with a relationship with your step daughter if you play it right!. Best of fortune to you and your family, sincerely<3
Yeah was thinking the same thing. Have you seen the paperwork? Did the mom move in with her parents but they were still together? Did they ever legally separate? These are questions you should math with your husband based on facts and not his or her version of the truth. Aside from that leave it alone. If bio-mom lied about this, I'm sure she has told her daughter lies in the decade since so let it be. If your SD ever asks you about it again, be factually honest but don't fuel your response with emotion. You can feel some type of way about it away from SD.
We were completely uninvolved with each other while they were together. we did technically know eachother by association but we never onve hung out together. There was no logical reason for her to expect that we were sneaking around together.
Completely agree with Fancy Garden. Tell the truth with kindness. "We may have been at this party or event at the same time because we both knew X person or worked for Y company, but we did not actually know each other or hang out together before your parents separated. I do not know how it's possible your mother would have believed that, but I'm very sorry she told you that as, even if it were true, it would only cause you unnecessary emotional pain and confusion at that age".
You are NTA here and not overreacting. Do not interact with that horrible woman. EVER without a third party present or CCd. This is your partners job now 100%. Yall both need to sit the step daughter down and tell her the truth. That poor girl. Hopeful you and her can both get therapy and support and grow to a new family. Good luck. 🖤
No ma'am you're not overreacting at all. That bonus parent role is a motherfucker! It's so delicate dance that no choreographer can adequately teach. It's tasking but you're ultimately not there for the child ,singularly. I'd let rhe father deal with it his way and I would cease communication with her until there comes a time where we'd have to speak. I would then confront her if the timing is correct. I wouldn't pretend nor be shy about my no longer dealing with her, but I wouldn't go blabbering to the world or social media about it. She will definitely have to face you real soon and make no mistake about it there should be lots of eye contact and justified silence on your behalf when she tries to explain. After that,leave her to her own devices!
I’m so sorry. I have a similar situation, but my stepson is only 7 years old. When he asked his dad (my husband), his dad emphatically said that his mother lied. Your husband needs to lay it out for his daughter. Her mom lied. Use the word “lie” and don’t flinch or use some kind of soft euphemism. It was an intentional and malicious lie. There is no justification for this lie, and her mom was insecure, jealous, and immature for making up this story. Your stepdaughter may or may not accept this after believing it to be true for 10+ years. But someday, she might catch her mom being dishonest and manipulative in other ways. Also, she’s 16 now, and in the next 10 years, she’ll probably start to see her parents’ relationship differently. It’s better for her father and you to keep sticking to the truth and the facts. You guys will have the track record of being honest people, and her mom will have the damaged credibility.
Thus happened to me and I didn't come into the picture until 3 years later AND they split up due to HER cheating, not him.
that is wild how someone can fathom up such a ridiculous lie. *and involve a child in it*
It's not the worst thing she did. She also "practiced acting" by having the younger child learn to lie about me. Really dangerous lies that almost got my own child taken away from me. In the end, she moved away and her kids chose to live with us. Her daughter is going to be my maid of honor next year and her son will dance with me for the bride-father dance since I lost both of my parents.
congragulations :)
Thank you!
are you my mom? Cause this is what she went through when she met my dad who already had my half sister and an ex wife who ditched after he learned about her cheating and went to florida for several months basically my older sis was told that dad and step mom wouldnt love her once the baby (me) was born.
Oh no, I wish she had taken off to Florida, though! She did leave after 12 years of torturing me by spreading lies all over town & we have full custody of their children who chose to stay with us. We never had a blending baby. She did her best to torment us. My petty was enjoying the fact that both kids (one is fully grown now) chose to live with us and only see her once every 4 months even though she only lives an hour away.
well, mom came back and did her best to f up her kid, among other things.
It hurt our kids that she left like that and blamed then the way she always had to blame everyone else for everything. Her son is more forgiving, although he suffered the most at her hands for refusing to lie about me. The daughter is angry with her, most likely because she did everything her mother ever told her to do and still was betrayed by her. I am very close w both kids now, thankfully.
You are not overreacting. You and her father should tell her the truth, if you haven't already, however.
I did tell her it was untrue as she was telling e me this story. Her reaction to my response seemed like she didnt know who to believe. the damage is done. you don't get a mulligan on time. I'm just feeling so red hot angry at her mother. she did this deliberately and let it be a fact in her childs mind that I'm the reason her family is broken for well over a decade. bit it was all a lie and caused (I feel like at this point) irreversible damage to our relationship
Honestly, with the truth out, this relationship can be mended. At least she's not already an adult living far away from everyone. That's when it's hard to repair the damage. Are you willing to do the work necessary to repair it? Do the math and get your paperwork together if you still have it. Cell phones have been around this whole time, so proof with dates should be quite easy with a bit of work. Show her the facts and offer her counseling. Maybe family counseling with her father included would be helpful. Show her by example that you care and are willing to do the work. If her mother is this much of a mess, she'll probably keep digging her own hole with this and other issues.
Nope When someone tells a lie about me, I may forgive over time, but it isn't something I think most people forget. I mean, how can you forget? A person made a conscious decision to untruthfully attack your character. I don't think not forgetting it happened and being mindful that it could happen again is overreacting. I don't think wanting a conversation with that person is overreacting. But in your specific case, you already know what she is. Why would you do anything for her unless it's something you want to do? I'm the type that would confront her when I could have a private moment with her and tell her exactly what I think of what she did.
I hate this shit because now you have to wonder what else she told her daughter that is also made up to alienate you and her father from her. You're really not overreacting. This type of thing is always engaging if true. It takes a real selfish type of individual to poison your kid's relationship with the other parents regardless of what happened between them.
Everyone needs to sit down at the same time and discuss this ... it can't be one conversation with mom and next week one with dad.. everyone needs to be same bat time same bat channel and fix this.. Poor kids getting mixed signals from her parents.. wants to believe them both... making step mom the bad guy...
her mom does not deal well with any kind of confrontation. anytime something difficuly cones up she avoids it like the plague. she is such a shining example of how to problem solve. its really difficult with her. I've basically had to completely step off in my role as a step parent bevause of how things have escalated with her
NTA. Mom knew exactly what she was doing and never expected to be called out on it. Fuck her. Imagine the relationship that you would have been able to foster with your step daughter over the years if she hadn’t always thought you were some horrible, adulterous whore (that’s most likely how it was portrayed to her, obviously).. it ruined what could have been awesome. And now you’ll never know. My step daughter and her mother (who she was estranged from for four years and wasn’t a part of her daughters life AT ALL from the ages of 12-16, mind you..) have tried convincing people that her father, my husband and father of my two young children, is an abusive pedophile. All lies. Went to court. Judge ruled in our favor without even reviewing all of the mounds of evidence we had (there were other accusations as well, and we had physical proof that absolutely everything they said was untrue). This all came about because step daughter got grounded, and she ran away to mom to avoid being held accountable. Mom helped her formulate these lies, and they have tried to convince my husbands family as well as mine. Luckily, we have a 2 inch binder FULL of proof that what she has said isn’t true (they literally told my own sister that my husband was 27 and her mom was 17 when she was born, so he’s “always been a pedo”… imagine her face when I showed her the fucking birth certificate that proved that false! Among so many other lies that we were able to prove false), so anyone who actually has the balls to confront us about any of it is immediately like “oh shit”… but yeah.. they can both fuck all the way out of my and my children’s lives. My husband’s relationship with her is up to him and none of my business, but I’ll absolutely never have anything to do with her ever again. They’ve maliciously tried to tell lies to ruin our reputation and affect our relationships with other family members. Your step daughter’s mom maliciously told lies with the full intention of ruining your reputation and relationship with her daughter. Fuck her.
Its the 10 years that can't be reversed and done over that kinda gets me the most.... whats the one thing you don't get a mulligan on? Time. 10 years this girl has thought that I'm a homewrecker and the reason why her family is broken. But its a total lie. Its really hard to just forget about it.
Exactly. And, unfortunately, the age range that she’s believed this is so crucial, who knows if being confronted with the truth can ever really change that perception of you. No matter what, whether or not you can prove to her or convince her of the truth, she’ll always have that core belief that you are the bad guy. It’s been ingrained into her.
E X A C T L Y I'M SO FKNG MAD! 🤬
Oh hell no! Why are you helping this woman!?! Why didn’t your husband set his daughter straight!
Fuck that woman. Has your relationship gotten better with your step daughter? Thats all that really matters.
It was wrong of her if she actually told her that, but with it being so long ago, I'd honestly let it go. You're not overreacting by being upset by it, but refusing to talk to her ever again might cause more trouble than it's worth. She's going to be a part of your life for as long as you're in your stepdaughter's life, so it's best to let it be water under the bridge if you can stomach it. Not to mention, do you know for sure your stepdaughter is telling the truth? She may very well be, but kids lie for seemingly no reason sometimes even when they're teenagers. I'll probably be dealing with the same thing in the future. My wife and I got together after she and her ex husband split, but he's not very bright and still considered it cheating since she didn't tell him we were seeing each other right away and their divorce wasn't finalized. They had been apart for months though. He and I get along fine now, but I can see him telling my stepson that his mom cheated with me. If it don't apply, let it fly.
The daughter needs to be told the truth. As someone that grew up in a fairly similar circumstance, I still have resentment. Kids are very observant, even at that age, and if you started dating a couple of months after they split, it would seem very plausible to her that you may have been seeing each other before the split. If she is not told the truth and believe the truth, she will resent you forever.
Are you overreacting - nope. Are you overreacting when you say you don't want to speak to her ever again - again no. Problem is that she owes you a big apology but seems to have already decided question #2 for you
Not overreacting. I raised my step son since he was 1. When he was 4, he had began comfortably referring to me as “mom” when he was with us, which shifted to us having more primary custody than his mom (they agreed to flip flop cause she didn’t want a fight while he was in school and wanted primary then since we lived about 4.5 hours apart.) My (now ex) husband and I spoke at the time prior to him calling me mom that his take on it was that he didn’t want to force his son to call me anything. If it happened naturally, he was okay with that. I was okay with that idea too. So naturally when he started calling me mom, it melted me. He referred to his bio mom as “mommy” and called her “mommy.” One day out of the clear blue as I am tucking him into bed after he had returned from a weekend visit with his mommy, he starts saying “goodnight, uncle.” I said “uncle? What?” And I kinda laughed. I thought he was being silly but he was serious and clearly genuinely confused. I told him I wasn’t his uncle bcuz I wasn’t his dad’s brother, so he said “goodnight aunt,” and I again said, “I’m not your dad’s sister either,” and then he said, “but then can I call you my cousin?” And I said, “buddy, why are you struggling over what to call me?” With tears in his eyes, he said, “because I can’t call you mom cause mommy said it hurts her feelings.” I was immediately heartbroken and angry, but couldn’t react at all. I just simply said, “oh that’s okay. I don’t want to hurt her feelings either. You can just call me (first name).” And he said “but I want to call you something.” And I said “that is something. That’s my name. You can keep calling me that.” When I told his dad, we were both equally pissed. We had to sit him down the next day and chat with him about how we don’t expect him to call me anything. A few days later, while getting ready for bed again, he thanked me. He was and always has been super chatty with me, even as a kid cause I just listened. After he thanked me, he volunteered to me how it all happened. That his mom was fishing (my words) and asking him what he calls people. She asked him what do you call me? What do you call her (his grandma) and he what does he call (dad’s name)? Then she asked what he called me and as soon as he said “mom,” she started wailing and crying and told him that I was NOT his mom and I never will be and he never has to see me as his mom. He said “but she’s my step mom.” And she literally explained to her 4.5 year old what it means to be married and how that makes you a step parent (we weren’t married at the time, just clearly long term and I had a major bond with their son.) she explained to him the legal process and how I’m legally not even his step mom so I’m not a mom at all and that IF we ever got married, it still didn’t make me his mom and he never has to see me as that or listen to me as a mom. Let me tell you, this shit floored me. There’s no way he was lying cause no kid would have all that info just because about step mom and marriage, etc. I was upset that our philosophy was not to tell him what to call me meanwhile his mom told him what not to call me and he struggled with it for a long time. The name “mom” soon became essentially “pretty please,” so when he really wanted something, he would say mom when he asked otherwise he never called me that. I did feel slightly vindicated one day when she picked him up for her visitation and he was talking to her and excitedly say, “oh, hey (my name)” while holding her hand and looking up at her. The look of horror on her face that he just confused her with me and she would have never known if he meant me or her if she didn’t direct him about the word “mom.” It blows my mind that people would do such things to their kids. We have since become friends after my divorce and hashed out a lot of past issues. She admitted the things she did out of insecurity but had always known that I never wanted to replace her but be in addition to her in her son’s life. He’s 17.5 now. 18 in a couple weeks and we still have a bond, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to feel upset or angry. I cannot stand people who do shit to their kids to spite the other parent/significant other.
Nope She made a terrible lie to poison her own kid towards you trying to blame the dissolution of her marriage. Not surprising she's avoiding you as she behaved like a giant AH.
I don't think you're overreacting, that is a huge violation. But what I've learned as I've grown is that theres THE TRUTH and then there's the different perspectives. I saw a comment earlier that asked if the mom really believed she was lying and you responded "maybe, this is the kind of thing she does." I think you're naive to believe you can move in with a man with a young child and have things go smoothly with the mother and expect everyone to be one big happy family. Life just doesn't work out that way. People can be... Angry... Bitter... Want to drag you down to their level... Jealous... Delusional. These are all very human traits. History and literature is full of scorned woman, evil stepmother tropes. Of course you can't help that someone was intentionally deceptive. But you're not the first person who's been lied on. A 4 year old was never going to have a chance at understanding why her parents broke up, and there was this new lady "a few months" later. Just because the dad didn't cheat with you, doesn't mean the mom didn't really have suspicions that she felt fit to share with her daughter at the time, who of course would have asked prying questions she had no good answers for. You can only rest easy knowing you didn't actually do anything wrong, and hope the daughter will see sense someday. Some people never get that closure but you can't really control how others see you. Don't beat yourself up over it. Try your best to communicate, and know it isn't your fault.
If that's the only undermining she did then consider yourself lucky. The mom was probably mad at the time at something regarding you or the dad and made up the stupid story. I wouldn't be upset about that but with the fact she won't own it, apologize to you and the kid. If she does then let it slide and consider yourself lucky...there are people out there that have it a hundred times worse than you.
yeah, certainly *not* the 'only' undermining/sabotaging behavior she has done over the time dealing with her. just the first/unfounded instance.
she once refused her daughter to come over to our house anymore after she found out that I took her daughter, my niece and my other friends son to a Disney show for all the parents while they were working. this is just a taste.
You can just leave it up to the dad to communicate with her. My fiance will not talk to my ex because of how terrible and undermining she is.
The thing is at this point.I'm already kind of doing that. But I just know that 1 day she's going to randomly Call me, wanting to ask for my help, for something regarding her daughter probably. and quite frankly I don't have anything nice to say to her. And I'm wondering if y'all think I would be overreacting if I were to basically tell her to f*** off if she were to try and talk to me and befriend me like nothing has happened, like she's done numerous times before.
As satisfying as it might be to say that to her, I’d suggest when she asks you for help, you make it a condition that she tell her daughter she lied to her all those years ago and that you aren’t in anyway responsible for the break up of her father’s marriage. And make it a condition that she tells your step daughter in the presence of both you and your husband so you can validate it happened. Ball’s in her court now. I doubt she’ll ever ask you for further help.
Lucky for you, the kid is 16 and can pretty much just contact you directly for anything she would need. Evil mom can just f right off.
Not at all! I have the same issue with my husband and my daughter. My ex husband, her dad, told her that Jeremy, my now husband, was the reason why we got divorced. That was completely untrue. But it's difficult to navigate having that conversation with her. If she knew the real reason, she would be devastated. She adores her dad. He's a totally different parent than he was when we were married and they have a really good relationship now. I don't want to be like hey your dad is a liar because that will only hurt her. Don't come for me...my husband agrees with my decision. It just makes things unnecessarily difficult. She is only 10. There have been several times that she has referenced things that he has told her that were just untrue. I think she was puzzled by bewilderment and just left the subject alone. I might try to broach the subject when she's older. But you definitely aren't overreacting.
You aren’t overreacting. You have every right to be upset and distance yourself from the ex. One area I disagree with is how your stepdaughter fits in at this point. She is old enough to hear the truth from her dad. But it is a fine line to not make her any more of a pawn than her mother did - she is still a child. I’m guessing that if this happened when you were starting to babysit, she was laying the groundwork to protect her territory. Ironic since the 5 year old had to be facing more feelings of abandonment since mommy wasn’t going to be around as much
I can’t believe you are even questioning yourself. The only reason for be civil if you have to see this woman unavoidably, is for your step daughter’s sake. It’s a good example as how to have an adult response to a toxic person. Don’t engage. If you have to, make it short and sweet. As bad as what she did was to you, it was even worse to her daughter. She probably felt uncomfortable in her father’s home and had to struggle with knowledge, even if it was true, no kid that she should know about. Having a good relationship with you would have greatly benefited her daughter, as well. The more people who she has to love and guide her, the better she is. That’s why they say it takes a village. I do hope your relationship is getting better with your stepdaughter now that the truth is out. If not, maybe a few sessions in family counseling with you, her, and her father could be of great help. The mom hurt that bond, as well, and the stronger it can be repaired, the better. This lady does not deserve kids if she’s willing to play mind games with them.
I don’t get why you are surprised of this by a single mother. Are you all from the US. This is the play from more single mothers then not. Sorry to the good single moms, but the shitty ones out number you. I stay far away from these types. They are manipulative and victims in their world. I got one next door and she’s calling the cops every single day. No im not in the ghetto.
Kindly meant: her father and I, her mother and I, she and I . . . and \*a lot
You might be over reacting in that you are still stewing on it. It was a shit thing for her to do, but it was a decade ago, and you now have a good relationship with the stepdaughter. Everything was be copacetic with the mom until now. Again, what she did was wrong against you and your partner. But my sister in Christ, it’s been 10 years. Let it go and nurture the relationship you have with the daughter and don’t risk what you have by being ugly to her mother, who was clearly hurting after the separation and did something bad. She has to live with her sins and her part in poisoning her daughter.
Sorry but I feel this was handled wrong. Her dad should have sat down and talked with his daughter first about why he and her mother separated. Then he should have contacted his ex. He was mad but not mad enough to talk to his ex-wife to correct a lie. Your stepdaughter was 5 years old at the time. If her mother told her you were the reason for the split up and then she spent a lot of time with you in her father's home shortly after the breakup then I can see from a child's point of view why she would believe it. Your step daughter felt comfortable enough with you to bring up the subject. You must have built a good relationship with her. Now she is a teenager. She is trying to understand her parents split up and heal. I suspect she suffered some kind of trauma around this event. I completely understand you wanting to defend yourself but the person you should be upset with is not only the ex but also your partner who clearly should have set the record straight with his ex and his daughter. You immediately talked to your partner when this happened but when weeks went by and he did nothing , you contacted his ex. I suspect the underlying reason you are still upset is your partner's response to this whole situation. Turn your attention away from the ex but to your partner. He has done nothing to support you in this. You have become the villain in this situation through no fault of your own.
Has the father stepped in at all to fix this situation? He definitely should. This should not be on you at all. He needs to confront the daughter and the ex. It isn’t healthy and isn’t good for the daughter to have these mixed feelings. You could also tell the mom that you have no intention of replacing her as a mom. That you just want to provide her daughter with extra love and support. But again. The father needs to step in on this and nip it in the butt. He should have when she was younger too. I would have been furious if someone started doing mind games like that to a young child.
I mean… this is par for the course, from my experience. My stepdaughter’s mother has told our kid no end of mistruths about me and my relationship with her father, and she has tried to torpedo our relationship many times over the past five years. I’m fortunate that my kiddo and I quickly forged a tight bond when she was very small (which, I’m sure, contributed to her mother’s insecurity and bad actions), so kiddo has always come to me when she has questions brought to the surface by her mother’s comments. And even though her dad and I have been able to dispatch most of the bullshit, it still used to drive me absolutely crazy. Real question: You’re not overreacting but… why are you wasting your energy? I used to get myself twisted into knots over these things, and then I realized… it doesn’t matter. She may be the biological mother, but if you have a solid relationship with your kid, she has no power. Kids know who loves them and who takes care of them — and if she isn’t sure you’re telling the truth, it’s absolutely appropriate for her father to set the record straight. “I don’t know why mommy told you that. Maybe she was sad and hurting and trying to hurt our relationship… but what she said is not true, and I’m sorry.” The mother is always going to be in your life. And she’s probably never going to truly like you or value what you’ve done for her daughter over the past ten years. But she ultimately only has the power that you allow her to have. So just don’t give her any. Kill her with kindness or pretend she doesn’t exist or whatever gives you peace of mind. But certainly stop shedding tears and perseverating on it. She messed up and she knows it. And more importantly, your kid knows it.
I've been in a similar situation. My step daughter's mind (we weren't married either) was poisoned by her father. It wont get any better for years. In my case, I ended it by breaking off the relationship and moving out. Maybe your option is to move out but still see the father. Perhaps her father could intervene and present the truth. Obviously she is buying into the mother's lie. The only hope you have is she will grow-up and move out, if you stay.
Sounds like the mom is guilty of infidelity and chose to pin it on you and your husband instead. That’s so cruel and I’m so sorry.
Just be good to your stepdaughter and move on. I wouldn’t put too much energy trying to deal with the ex wife. Don’t let what she said years ago to stress you out. Karma is a bitch.
I would have calmly talked to the stepdaughter and explained it's not true and had her Dad do the same and skipped all the other drama.
I guess she thought the daughter would find some way to get you out of the picture. And she could waltz back in after waltzing out.
That poor kid. So I'm the mother in this situation. Only he actually did cheat, and I know this for a fact because of discovery via lawyer. But I did not tell my 5 yr old daughter. You have every right to be upset BUT try to put the shoe on the other foot. You said it was abrupt. She might be be making an assumption based on lack of information and just drew a conclusion. There's no justification in telling a 5 yr old that though. BUT for the kid, and only go the kid, don't go at the mom. Be neutral. Kiddo has already been traumatized and she doesn't need more discourse. I think you try to put yourself in mom's shoes, have a calm conversation with her and say hey, I'm sorry that you got that impression but I promise that's not how things went down. For the kids sake, swallow your pride, take one for the team. You're a mom too and this is what you do to have a cohesive parenting unit.
thank you for your input everyone.... moving forward I'll just do my best to do right by my stepdaughter, be there for her if she needs me or wants my help for anything, and just not deal with her mother anymore. I guess I was kind of getting fixated on telling her off. telling her what a shitty person she is. but it doesn't matter at this point to do that. If she really has the audacity to approach me in the near future I'll just basically tell her she has not just burned but *incinerated* this bridge and theres no fixing it. My stepdaughter turns 18 in a couple years so I just have to make it through that without absolutely losing my sh*t on her mother and I should for the most part be able to avoid her 99.9999% of the time😂
Ntta
I hope both you and her father told her the truth about how and when you two met.
Nothing was to be gained by you reaching out to the bitch, and you also broke your SD's confidence in telling you anything that should have been held in confidence. All you've done is to now make everyone uncomfortable. You're not wrong to be outraged. You did, however, overreact.
You're not overreacting, but is it possible your husband had an affair with someone the ex assumed was you? It would explain why you don't know what was said when when your husband spoke to the ex.
No, i dont think you're overreacting at all. I'd be extremely pissed if someone was telling anyone I was a homewrecker but I'd be even more so when the person they told was an innocent kid.. Is there a chance that the mum thinks that it is true? Could she really think you're the reason for their marriage breaking down and that he was cheating with you before they split? especially if you guys became a couple quickly after they split. Was he shearling with someone else, and she just assumed after you got together that you must have been his affir partner. You might want to find the answers to these questions because it might explain why she doesn't want to talk to you about it now.
Here’s my $0.02…. I will start off by saying I am not a “secret” keeper especially if the secret is harmful to another person. I would ask your husband to ask her out for lunch/ dinner. I’d join the conversation WITH the child in tow. She is old enough to have this conversation. The 4 of you need to sit & have a respectful & open conversation. Carrying this anger around will do nothing but destroy you. I would not start the conversation in an accusatory manner, but rather come from a point of compassion. I say this bc we all know you get more bees with honey than vinegar. You can coax the truth out of her quicker if you are nice…. It alleviates the defensiveness. Women do WILD SHIT when they feel like they’ve been “wronged” they exaggerate, they lie, they are sometimes out for revenge. Keep her anger & embarrassment at a minimum. Also, keep your anger in check. Many times when someone gets confronted, they feel like their back is against the wall & what I’ve come to realize is after the original question is posed, all you need to do is sit back and listen….. this often leads to that person having diarrhea of the mouth & they spill all the tea. Staying silent works wonders! I also used this method with my children & they ALWAYS ratted themselves out🤣🤷♀️I understand she was livid that her marriage ended & she wanted to “get back” @ her ex…. Happens everyday. However, many years has passed & it’s time to come clean. I have read other comments where people have said your husband should talk to her…. Alone. I wholeheartedly disagree. Yall need to be a UNITED FRONT. I would not have this conversation behind closed doors, it needs to be done out in public. Tempers are less likely to flair if there is an audience. Good luck.
You are more than kind in this situation. I would not waste time or effort with the Mom. There will be a time when the daughter realizes who was lying and why she lied. Don't cause more damage to the step daughter. Sometimes being silent and keeping your own council it the best for everyone.
Not over reacting. Avoidance is the mother's admission of guilt
How's your daughter doing?
Is it possible that her mother truly believes that you were having an affair? You might not know, but you didn’t give us any details about why they broke up/she left him. His turnaround was pretty quick to get with you, so maybe if she had suspicions he was cheating on her then she thought it was confirmed when you popped up a few months later. I’m not saying she’s justified in telling the child that, but I could see how she could truly believe it. My mom was the exact same way with my dad, even though my dad swears up and down things didn’t start with my step mom until after they were separated. Then again, my mom never said anything about it when I was a kid. So I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but I hope you can have a good relationship with the daughter as she gets older. I would try to find things to bond with her over that can be unique to you two. That really helped me get closer with my own step mom!
This seems very common with divorced women. They seem to poison the child with lies about the man or his new partner.
I have a friend that is going through a similar situation, but in reverse. The stepmom keeps trying to brain wash her kids when they visit her. She just tolerates it. My feeling is that she needs to intervene or things will get worse. In my opinion ignoring things, by either party, is not helpful.
NTA but your husband could have given her more child support money, or said “No, it’s not possible. My wife works too” More money may have helped her financial issues and possibly shut her up. She’s awful for lying; but if you didn’t exist……what were their other childcare options?
Kids lie. They're kids. Stop being you and be a parent.
Of course they do. But If that were the case I feel like her mom would have probably been all over her case about ... the complete radio silence from her mother tells me its absolutely true that her mother told her that.
Ok, I'm going to admit that I didn't read the whole thing and misunderstood everything lol I down voted myself It was so long!!! But I read everything now. Sorry. "My husband ex wife told my stepdaughter that they broke up because of an affair with me for over 10 years, and it's just not true" That's all you had to say lol Anyways, just let it go. I promise you that's going to be the best thing you will ever do for yourself. "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Feel what you feel, then give compassion to why somebody would do this. Most ppl do things not because of you but because of an internal conflict. Now that the news broke, we have a chance to heal both families, or we can start the amputation.
Yes you’re overreacting. Let it go and grow up. She lied, her daughter now knows the truth, problem solved.
You aren’t overreacting. However, pick and choose your battles. These ten years are gone girlfriend. And as much as it sucks…there’s not a damn thing you can do to change it. Is it fair? Nope. Does that matter? Even less. This girls parents mean something different to her than you. And the harder you push to “bring things to light”…the more chaotic you’ll appear. Her parents, not her mother nor your partner are at all affected by this seemingly meaningless white lie. For obvious reasons… Welcome to your role as “sacrificial pawn”…you’ve been here for quite some time…now there’s just a name to it. Your purpose there is to take the hits. The blame. The negative attitudes. All of it. Her parents, both of them…have strategically placed you in between themselves and alllllll of those completely normal feelings that a little girl might have throughout her adolescence towards her mother and father. Why? “Because being a grown up is just soooo harddd sometimes. Wahhhh I can’t handle being a good parent to my children and them not liking it sometimes…wahhhhh so I will use this other hooman to shield me…because that’s so much easier!!! Wahhh also I don’t really give a crap about anyone but me…including my kids…wahhh.” If they did, this wouldn’t even be a post on Reddit. And I know you’re chomping at the bit to tell me that your husband “had no idea this lie had been told…” He did. I promise. It was even easier for him to get away with because all he has to do was be super passive with his daughter about it…change the subject, turn up the music on the car ride, make a comment about the situation on in some country with seemingly worse problems than this one…and he didn’t have to say a thing to you. He just had to practice one line…”I had no idea.” He was gaslighting both you and his daughter. At least mom told a flat out lie. Gaslighting is a whole other level. Don’t go kookoo trying to remix concrete that this girl’s parents already poured and let cure. It’s tiring. Trust me. I’d tell you to run. But that feels wrong being that I haven’t yet. But hey…what you can do…is keep being your awesome self (if awesome is what you are). Don’t do it in hopes of changing anyone’s minds. Do it because that’s who you are. And no dumbass is gonna lie that out of you. Don’t let ‘em. PS…can you now copy and paste this to me? But I’ll pretend it’s from you…so that maybe I’ll take the advice. Finally. K thanks so much!
Pps: I agree with the majority of the comments…but they are better suited for a perfect world type scenario. Just sayin.
You can be mad about it as long as you want. But you're letting that lie, and the person that told it, live rent free in your brain. Just let it go and be done with it. It's better for your mental health and well being. People that know and love you, have either forgotten about it, or didn't believe it to begin with.