The note is inappropriate but that's on the coworker, not him. But the fact that he's been hiding it instead of being upfront is sus af.
Can't tell if you are overreacting since you didn't tell how you reacted, but him hiding this is pretty shady
I thought the same thing. He kept the note because it means something to him. If he had no feelings for his coworker he might have still kept the cologne but he would have thrown the note out
As someone who has been in this position, I kept it as evidence while I struggled to decide whether to go to HR. If its opened/used, that would throw that potential away though because I'd be super creeped out to actually use the present my forward coworker got me.
As someone who told their SO immediately, I get why most people don't. I must have lead them on because who would do something unwanted at work? 😬
dealing with unwanted romantic advances is one of the functions of HR. I think it's okay to use them if you feel uncomfortable rather than crate an awkward situation with your coworker but of course it all situational
To be fair though the coworker already created the awkward situation so it already exists. You also need to go to HR in case the coworker is crazy and soon tries to flip the script and accuse you of something.
I was gonna say this lol, I have ADHD and I’ve been in very similar situations where it’s like no, I just forgot to throw this away or give it back. Sorry, no cheating, I’m just fucking dumb 💀
This is how I view it too. Also what was written in it was very intimate, unless this is a case of her being a bit of a weird person or stalker then that's definitely something you'd say as a romantic thing. It's just too specific for a random thing to say
Either he is a dumb af cheater if that thing means something to him, or he needed some proof that this coworker wrote that shit. Probably first, but I'd like to see an update on this one
As a fragrance person, yeaaah that’s really expensive and niche to get for a coworker. She either wants to gauge his receptiveness to an affair or they’re already having one, but I think the first is more likely. Not blaming him but do you know how he interacts with her? Maybe I’m cheap but I wouldn’t buy Bond for anyone but my husband, is it possible he gave her a reason to think he’d be happy to accept a personal/pricy gift like that? Do they text or snap etc outside of work?
Crossing my fingers for you that he’s just a sweetheart of a guy and she’s reading everything wrong
Financials is also another part of it. Is this like she can't afford her rent because of the expensive gift or is it like a tiny drop in the bucket because they are wealthy? Either way, the note is inappropriate though
Yes about the note. But that gift is totally inappropriate under normal circumstances. This doesn’t seem to fit in this case at all. Something else is going on. The gift should be returned.
In the same context- My best employee is a fucking nut about fragrance, works his ass off and has a cologne collection worth more than most cheap cars. Still not getting him bond level fragrances. (I’m just a manager, if I owned he’d get 2)
I texted Darius and asked “if a chick buys you bond no.9 is she trying to fuck”
His answer is “Hell fuck yeah thats a 400$ bottle of cologne”
Unless he's a cologne guru kinda guy he may not know how much it costs. My husband would have no idea. He'd say thanks and throw it in his backpack without thinking a second thing about it. Or once upon a time would have. He's learned it's not okay for other women to buy him clothes, cologne, shoes, etc. And yes he had to learn. It never crossed his mind it would be inappropriate.
But you can't overlook the fact that he didn't immediately give it back to the coworker or tell OP.
He may be embarrassed and/or flattered. But OP needs to sit down with him and have a talk about it. If there's nothing going on, then he needs to give the gift back, as accepting it implies that he might be interested.
I hope hes not already doing something, which would explain the expensive and intimate gift.
Yeah Bond no. 9 is not cheap, and I would never buy that for someone I didn’t know really well. But I wouldn’t buy a $300 anything for a coworker. that is not appropriate
Without the note I'd say he might have been in the clear. I don't really wear cologne so I wouldn't know if it was $30 or $300. I just do regular deodorant or body spray that my wife picks out. So there is the chance he's clueless about the cost.
If some chick bought my mans Bond No. 9 I’d fight a bitch.
Super not okay that he’s been hiding it from you after it came with such a provocative note … he should’ve came straight to you after getting that.
You've seen the box and it may have a price on it, but if one knows where to shop, you can find Bond No 9 fragrances in 50ml bottles for $115-$150 at very reputable online retailers. That is still too expensive for an office gift. Just pointing out that it being Bond No 9 doesn't necessarily make it $300 (again, unless you saw a price on it.).
It's certainly concerning, but as a woman I have been given extravagant and inappropriate gifts from coworkers or friends, despite never having done anything to encourage it. And women can be aggressive and delusional too, so I hesitate to blame OP's boyfriend without more info.
If I were a cheating scumbag that values the note, I'd keep it in my desk at the office, idk. If he's cheating he's being absolutely stupid about it by bringing it home. But you know, maybe it's exactly the case
He knows it’s inappropriate and that’s why he’s hiding it. He either wants to keep the secret going (whatever that means) or he knows his gf will be rightfully concerned.
And I do not believe he should’ve accepted the gift.
Agreed. I don’t think it’s a smoking gun (he could be trying to decide if just to return it, or how to react to it himself and if he wants to escalate it as a problem) but it needs to be a convo
True. And maybe he wasn't hiding it for three weeks actually. My colleagues were late with their gifts because they were on vacation while it was my birthday, then I was on vacation. A lot of things could be in play, so I wouldn't jump to conclusions. They just need to talk
Unless the coworker is an absolute loose cannon…the boyfriend probably made her think it’s okay to cross that boundary and give it to him.
Giving someone that gift with that note is an extremely risky move that could make you look bad around the office. No one with sense would do that at their serious office job no matter how much they crushed on the other person, as a first move.
I'm a nice person. I talk to everyone. When someone made a move on me, I told my partner right away. He said what you said. That I did something to make them think it was ok. No, the hell I didn't!
We don't know if he did or not. People shoot their shot in different ways.
You must have been very fortunate in your working life, because there absolutely are people who behave inappropriately at work. That's why we have laws and rules and HR departments. I've been harassed or bothered, or witnessed it, at most places I've worked, and I was harassed by a teacher at my high school.
I’d see this as a no-win situation for the recipient of whatever attention was granted. I had a coworker solicit me to have sex with their spouse over email while at work. I almost fainted. What am I supposed to do? Tell my SO? Make a huge ginormous deal out of it? Get the person fired? Not sure if there’s a right answer. Lose-lose any way you cut it.
If you want to take a low confrontation approach, make this about her.
“Hey, found this cologne and note in your backpack, looks like XYX coworker has the hots for you eh. You should make sure to shut that down. I know as a woman I would not buy someone this expensive cologne and write a note like that without having clear intentions of pursuing a relationship. Please let her know this is very disrespectful to our relationship OR I’m happy to tell her myself”.
Then see how he reacts.
This is the right way. I have been given things shoved the in my backpack and forgotten them. I definitely wouldn’t realize if it was an expensive gift or not. If he has been wearing it and hiding it thats another thing.
It’s more of a “you better tell her OR next time I see her I’m bringing it up”. So that he knows how serious OP is.
And OP should ask him for receipts to confirm the conversation was had- “What was her reaction when you told her”.
At worst, the guy is cheating , at best he may be enjoying the attention/ego boost from another woman
It’s never a good look to confront the potential affair partner. It’s the SO’s job to protect the relationship so the consequence should fall on him, not on some stranger who never made a relationship commitment.
Doesn’t matter how expensive it was, they could have bought him Axe body spray and put that note with it and it would be just as bad. AND he’s hiding it from you in his backpack? I think you know what’s going on here.
He should give it back to her.
The biggest problem is him hiding this from you. Whats his excuse.
I am petty, I would use it myself and visit him at work, thank the co worker for the nice gift and take your partner out for lunch.
I think this is a fantastic idea, putting on a show of dominance may be perceived and petty or uncouth by other women but your SO will probably love it. Most people like the idea of being desired enough for people to fight over them. Especially after you have had a conversation with your partner and are sure he's not having an affair.
In my younger days I probably would have taken it a step further, worn the Cologne dressed up nice went into work and say you want to smell me and shook my boobs in their face
Should have but may have just been shocked and uncomfortable. But if it's really been 3 weeks and he hasn't given it back OR told his partner... that's sus. Not necessarily a smoking gun, but a red flag tbs.
I once received an inappropriate email from a friend who attended our wedding. I shut her down appropriately, but I waited a few days to tell my wife.
I was really disappointed that she did that. She was my first friend in that country and was the reason I met my wife in the first place. I needed some time to internalize it before I told my wife.
i always tell my girlfriend when people i know flirt with me, old girlfriends get back in touch, etc. it's not a fun conversation for either of us but that way there's no question as to my being forthcoming
Interesting, when that happens to myself and my partner it’s kind of a “how embarrassing for them to be going after you lol” - of course it would be different if it were a close friend broaching boundaries, but just for acquaintances or exes? Not a touchy conversation.
And I agree. But there's also a legitimate fear of reprisal for being honest, which is sad. OP's boyfriend may be like me and need how to think about how to relay the information. OP may have a temper which isn't evident in the post. My wife and I ended up confronting our "friend" about it and she's no longer a part of our life.
So is your boyfriend one of those guys that jumps at any woman giving him attention or is he going to discuss the inappropriate nature of this gift and note with his coworker?
That’s highly inappropriate and enough to warrant a call to HR. Should he so choose. At the least, he needs to give it back and give her a warning. Him hiding it… is never a good sign. Not overreacting!
Yeah it is completely inappropriate. If he knew if was $300 cologne he should have given it back to her saying: 'I appreciate the gesture but I really can't accpet such a gift from a coworker'.
If, however, he thought it was like $20 cologne then I get why he'd keep it. I mean a lot of people havn't got a clue how much certain brands cost.
BUT, there are two big ass red flags here:
1)the note she included, 100% flirty and inappropriate
2) the fact that he was HIDING it.
All very sus, on his end and hers. I think she wants your bf to be her bf and your bf either has no backbone whatsoever or he kinda likes her as well. Either way, is that what you want in a man?
100% inappropriate on coworker's end, and the price & her note make it completely clear she's into him. I'm more worried about him hiding it from you, however. Super sus.
Yeah, that is pretty weird. I can't imagine getting even the best of coworkers a $300 gift unless it was a group present for a wedding or baby shower. Him not telling you is also weird.
“I’ve always loved your smell from the day we met”.
This says more than an innocent comment.
It implies more intimacy than just being a coworker.
It’s what a lover tells their lover.
The fact that he hid it from you and Still hiding it says volumes.
Let me ask you, has he opened it, dies it appear used?
If so, keep an eye on how much he’s using it from this day forward.
300 bucks for a “co-worker” is wild, unless they are doing everything to butter them up and position themselves to make a move.
If they were besties for a long time and have a relationship outside of work, then maybe, but if the relationship to your knowledge is solely work related, then I’d be annoyed and some what suspicious of the nature of their relationship.
This is the way. I think you're right that they're already involved. I would spend $300 on my son, my partner, and my dad - nobody else. That's A LOT of money.
UPDATE: I dumped it out, tore up the note, talked to them BOTH about how inappropriate it was. I don’t think things were innocent on either of their parts necessarily, but don’t think they are having an affair. A little too friendly at work for sure— but that’s the service industry for ya.. but we all know that’s a slippery slope too.
He knows it was wrong to accept such an intimate gift (hence why he hid it and planned on lying to me at some point about where he got it) and selfishly wanted to keep it (it IS expensive but also something he could easily afford to buy himself) and he definitely enjoyed the attention. But I framed to him like this: Imagine some dude at my office gifted me some lingerie or something along with a note about how sexy I am. Would I be flattered? Sure, maybe. But never in a million years would I accept that kind of gift. And also made the point that he, my dad, or mayyybe my brother are the only men I’d ever buy cologne for. Much less a $300 bottle.
She was stumbling over herself apologizing when I called her, which I’m sure is the LAST thing she expected- and knows it was a serious overstep. I think she definitely knew what she was doing / was testing the waters. I was polite and got the information I wanted from her, mainly what HIS behavior has been like to make her think such a gift (and that fucking note!) would be welcome, but also made it clear that it was a wildly inappropriate gift, and he should not have accepted it. Point blank.
I told him if he’d just been honest about it up front we probably could have had a laugh about how weird it was, but that I expect him to be honest with me. I don’t need him to tell me every time someone hits on him (I certainly don’t tell HIM every time some nerd hits on ME) but I do expect him to shut that shit down, and I don’t want to have to even question that. A $300 bottle of cologne isn’t worth our relationship.
Aaaand now for the trust rebuilding, which we all knows is *so* much fun. My feelings are hurt and it’s going to take a while.
Anyways, moral of the story- if you feel like you have to hide some shit, it’s probably your gut telling you that you probably shouldn’t be doing that thing. Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.
I would go through is phone first and see if I can find a relationship between them then Put the cologne and the note in the middle of the table tell him he’s been hiding it so he knows it’s wrong. Demand that he gives it back to her. And see his reaction from there
What’s their relationship like? Over friendly always chatting get together? Works trips? ETC or see her in office couple times a month and rarely interacts outside of that? Any other red flags 🚩 with him?? Or just this? Could be he’s uncomfortable with it and doesn’t know how to react~ I’d be more pissed about the hiding it~ AND THAT NOTE!! She’s way outside of her lane! Hubs needs to shut that shit down. Was it open? Is he wearing it at work and hiding it so you don’t know? I’d sit him down and just ASK about it and their relationship 🤷🏻♀️
You don't buy cologne for someone that you just want to be friends with, let alone the price. She's definitely interesting in him, I just hope for your sake he's not cheating
Edit: I haven’t brought it up to him, and not sure how I would, if I did. Or if I should even.
The fact that he’s been hiding it tells me he knows it’s inappropriate & that I would be upset by it. It’d be completely different if he’d been upfront about it like “look at this gift my coworker gave me” etc.
This is going to keep lingering in your mind until you talk it out. Just say you came across the cologne and note and wanted to know why it was being concealed. Don’t let it fester until you can’t hold it in anymore- it’ll end up coming off more intense than you intend.
I find this so confusing. You didn’t immediately walk this gift over to him and say “what’s this?”. Are you not comfortable talking to your BF about your concerns or is it a general fear of confrontation?
I'm the type of person who NEEDS to think over stuff like this. I need to process AND figure out how I want to approach the confrontation. I have a fear of confrontation from my childhood and if I just say "hey what's this" I'm susceptible to just quietly accepting whatever he says then feeling like I can't bring it up again later because I already did once. I need to have a plan on what to say.
What is the phone situation like in the relationship?
Does he wear the colone?
I would ask him to see his phone and see what texts/DMs they have been sending. A note like that doesn't just happen unless the coworker is extremely forward. I would be curious about what relationship they had before the note.
The only reason I would not bring it up is if I wanted to take pictures of the note and get other evidence in case he is cheating. I've seen exs try to turn things around so some people like to get evidence so they can't get blamed in the future.
I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I’d have confronted him the minute I found it. And if I didn’t, he’d know right away that something was bothering me. There’s no way I could hide knowing something like that.
In fairness, it’s probably better that you waited a bit so you don’t come at him while emotional. But this is definitely something that needs to be discussed. You’ve been in a relationship for a very long time. He owes you a conversation about it. He’s in the wrong for not telling you up front. So don’t be shy or uncertain about asking him about it. Just tell him there’s something you’d like to discuss, and then when he’s ready and you’re both sitting in a comfortable place with no distractions, let him know you found it. The conversation will unfold naturally after that.
I just wanna recap this real quick
He gets expensive cologne and flirty note from CW
He doesn't talk with you about it
You find it and don't talk to him about it because you aren't sure how to bring it up
Maybe that's how he feels too.
On god, if I got a flirty letter from my coworker I wouldn't tell anyone. I'd accept the gift but I'd mull over what to do with the cologne, wether or not to talk with the coworker or HR or ignore it and hope they stopped. Especially if it was the first time, I wouldn't bother my partner with it for a myriad of reasons.
I wouldn't want them to think I'd be tempted, that they have to worry while I'm at work, that they'd probably ask me about them regularly after that, etc.
Before you jump to conclusions, ask questions. He may have a lot of anxiety about this for a variety of reasons. They could be someone with power over him, someone connected to someone with power, someone he has to work closely with consistently, etc. And unfortunately, buying cologne and telling someone they smell nice isn't enough for a woman to get fired so even IF he made a stink about it, the most it'd likely do is sour the space he has to be in daily.
You’re not overreacting. That’s an inappropriate gift to receive from a coworker and he should have refused it. Hiding it in his backpack says he either has something going on with this person, or he doesn’t but is greedy enough to want to keep it even though he obviously knows it’s wrong.
Does he normally spray on enough cologne that it can be smelled from a few feet away? Because if he doesn’t, that coworker has been getting way too close.
Very inappropriate. I would have thrown it away if I was that bf and in front of the coworker. This is in the realm of inappropriate behavior in the workplace. He is just as sus with hiding it, let alone keeping it.
That's not ok. It isn't ok on her part for sure. And he should have immediately given it back and said the note and the gift were inappropriate for someone in a committed relationship. Like others have said, the fact that he's hiding it is quite concerning.
To give a differing perspective, I'm a female and the front desk person at my job. I work in a male dominated construction based industry. For my birthday, the guys on the field crew got me a happy birthday balloon and a card that farted the William Tell Overture lol, and I *still* told my husband about it because it wasn't a company sponsored gift. It was a personal one. So, I think bf got some 'splainin' to do.
Has he used the new cologne? It’s inappropriate that he’s hiding it, but he might just not know what to do. I would have rejected it and told my SO immediately so everything is out in the open.
I think you’re under reacting based on your comments. I get that you don’t want to stir any drama given whatever your history is with your bf, but this is something that deserves addressing regardless if it turns out to be innocent.
Either he’s hiding it because he’s embarrassed and doesn’t know what to do/how to react to someone who gave him an inappropriate gift, and who he works with so that can make things tense; or he’s hiding it because there’s something going on whether it’s at the emotional stage or physical stage of cheating.
I don’t know him so I can’t say how he’d react in situation #1. I’d probably hide it unsure of what to do depending on if my partner is jealous or insecure. I’ve hidden people hitting on me, propositioning me etc from previous partners for that reason. Telling them could spark that insecurity and then they can’t get it out of their head that something’s going on when there’s nothing going on. But that was before when I was younger and terrified of conflict and in somewhat immature, toxic relationships.
What stands out to me is the hiding (and in a backpack where someone would likely not snoop unless you do consistently empty it or add things for him), but also the note. Maybe because I’m a writer and I read a lot of romance, but I analyze language a lot. “From the day we met” sounds intimate and flirty versus “happy birthday! I know you love this cologne and got it for you. You’ve always smelled great!” The note would be why I’d address it to my partner, and decide from there based on their story if it sounds like BS or if it truly is something innocent. I don’t think cologne is an intimate gift imo bc I’ve gifted cologne to my brother and before I used to be unsure what to even gift men since clothing is tricky. The price I guess depends on your financial status and the other person’s financial status. They’d have to be really great friends to have her go over her income-level and buy an expensive gift for him which would be suspicious because it doesn’t seem you know the coworker/are close.
Yes it is very inappropriate. Let him know you found it and that you’re unhappy with it. That she was inappropriate and unprofessional for gifting him that with the note. In my culture, it is taboo to give a loved one perfume or cologne because the result is that you become enemies.
What women would spend that kind of cash , unless they are involved ? Think… even as a single woman would you buy that ???, with that note for someone you aren’t already dating? You just would not do that. I think you should be very concerned.
1. You didn’t share your reaction
2. Its not an appropriate gift for coworkers. The note was completely inappropriate
3. He hesitated to tell you because he fears how you’d react. My ex was so toxic that I couldn’t bring almost anything to her attention without her punishing me, even when I was immediately honest with her. Her fears and insecurities were always my fault. It’s more likely that your BF feels this way rather than he’s hiding some sort of emotional affair with a coworker. But who knows? We have zero detail here and we’re all just guessing.
Dude here. I would be conflicted when I was younger because I know it's expensive and smells good, and I would never buy it for myself, but I would be terrified of telling my wife I got it. It would probably take a minute to figure out how to approach. Now? I would have given it back with a no thank you.
The note is inappropriate, and he should have told her that when he received the gift.
He should have rejected the gift and told her that he doesn't appreciate being sexually harrassed.
Lastly, he should have reported her for sexual harrasment since in her note. She mentions she loves the way he smells to the extent of buying him cologne. Imagine if the genders were reversed. If a man was going around gifting his coworkers with perfumes and romantic notes he would be fired.
If your bf was not weirded out by her behavior, then he is enjoying it.
Why did he hide it?
I would fully expect my husband to immediately return this and explain its not appropriate and he would like to keep their relationship completely professional only.
Then not speak to her unless necessary at work.
How have you not just walked up to him with it and asked “What’s this?” Calmly with no accusatory tones. His reaction alone will tell you everything you need to know.
Definitely inappropriate (and creepy, unless theres something going on between them) gift from the co-worker, and definitely sketchy of him to be hiding it in his backpack.
So let's recap:
1. He recieved a $300 gift from his coworker.
2. He recieved a very intimate note from said coworker.
3. He didn't tell you about the gift OR the note.
You are not overreacting. I think he is either already fucking his coworker or he wants to.
Good luck.
It's not his fault that she bought it for him. It is a HUGE red flag that he hid it instead of not accepting it from her. I would strongly suspect he's cheating. I'm sorry.
He shouldn’t have accepted it. He should have declined the gift, told you about the attempt, and distanced himself from her. Side note: Other than the occasional over-cologned person I couldn’t tell you what any of my former coworkers smell like.
There’s two approaches here. If you receive a gift that is not wanted from somebody who you see rarely or not at all then it’s best not to respond or return as it is still keeping communication open. The other side is where you have regular contact (which i suspect is the case here); if you don’t want to appear like a jerk then sensitively return it with an explanation I cannot accept this as it’s too expensive to receive from a friend (or colleague). If you keep it too long then it leaves you open to seeming to have expressed interest. Third scenario is if the bf has been using it, then it’s probably been used around this other lady and they are probably having an affair (you don’t wear a specific cologne for somebody without the expectation of something happening!)
I came across this post while in a very contrarian mood, so it's best I keep my opinions to myself.
Edit: I've copied this text so I can use it to comment on practically everything I see on this site today.
I wouldn’t buy a gift like that for a male coworker if either of us were in a relationship. I’d be thoroughly pissed off if someone did that to my husband. He’s up to something, if he’s hidden it & giving a load of hot air explanation wise.
It’s an intimate sounding note talking about his smell. That’s the sort of stuff you would say in the initial stages of a relationship.
Someone needs to have a stern word with the b1tch. Maybe she’s trying to initiate a break up.
INCREDIBLY inappropriate. If I was on the receiving end of that gift and note, I would have reported the coworker to HR. Accepting the gift wouldn’t have even crossed my mind as an option (let alone hiding it?!). WTF was he thinking??? What was SHE thinking??? What did he do or say that made her think this was a good idea and would be well received???
No matter what the answers to those questions are, they can’t be good, just varying levels of bad.
If I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt (which is a huge stretch imo) and assume that he was blindsided by this and panicked, or simply wasn’t thinking at all and he’s just dumb, then I would still seriously consider ending the relationship because I wouldn’t be able to trust his judgement in general. A full grown adult should recognize the inappropriateness of this situation and should know the importance of shutting shit like this down asap. It incredibly worrisome to me that instead he did…nothing…
Sorry you’re dealing with this at all, I hope it turns out for the best ❤️
I don’t find her actions inappropriate because I don’t know what she knows about his relationship.
Your boyfriend hiding the cologne is the issue here.
Yes, it’s inappropriate.
No, hiding it from you doesn’t mean there’s cheating.
He may just want to keep the perfume even though he knows he should refuse the gift.
Talk with him. Try to not go in with a judgement in mind and listen to him then go from there.
Dump him. He’s ruined your trust. Without trust everything else is thrown into question. Cut loose now or you will be driven crazy and be called delusional.
Loving the stereotypical Reddit relationship advice. “It must be an affair!”
Was it an inappropriate gift for her to give? Yes.
Should he have accepted it? No. But maybe he was just (inappropriately) reluctant to give up an expensive gift rather than hiding an affair.
This is a boyfriend problem, not his coworkers problem. Why does she feel comfortable enough to spend that money and send that note? I’d wager money your partner is making himself seem available or obtainable. Do you personally know any woman willing to spend that money on someone who isn’t returning any affection?
I work primarily with women as a result of my career. I have been with my current organization since grad school, and I am very close with some of my coworkers. It is utterly normal for me to be holding 2am conversations with my female (I am male with a female partner) coworkers about both work and life.
I would never give nor would I accept such an expensive and boderline intimate gift from any of them. If such a gesture was made, I would explain how I would feel if my partner came home with such a gift from a male coworker and hope that was clear enough to get a message across without offense.
I say this to explain why I do not feel you are overreacting. I ran it through a few different scenarios with people I have been very close with over the years at work, and could not find a reasonable case where it would be normal (early 30s for context).
I'll grab drinks with the same coworkers, hang late with them when traveling at conferences...I have a pretty wide latitude for what can be a normal platonic work relationship. But expensive, personal gifts? There is absolutely something to read into.
So…. My issue isn’t the coworker. It’s your bf.
I can’t control if a coworker is crushing on me and has a unilateral relationship in their head. I can control how I communicate to them, and more importantly how I communicate to my gf.
I can also understand the urge to hide in case he thought you would have a bad reaction, but then he’s been carrying it around without throwing it away.
That is the bit which has me a little suss’d out.
That is highly inappropriate. He shouldn't have accepted the gift, unless something is going on with the coworker. He's hiding it from you too so that even more suspicious. He needs to set some boundaries with this coworker because it sounds like crush/relationship gift.
There's a possibility he didn't tell you because it's one sided and he didn't want you thinking it was bigger than it is, or want to cause any trouble when there doesn't need to be, or want you to be stressing everytime he goes to work if there's no reason to.
HOWEVER; he kept the note.... that's suss af.. everything about this situation is inappropriate. I just hope for your sake its just the cowoker.
I don't think it's normal, and I'd definitely consider it an inappropriate gift. There's always a chance that either she/or your partner are absolute sweethearts and don't understand the implication, and I think it's silly to jump to many of the conclusions that people are in this comments section.
Humans are complex creatures. It is entirely possible that he doesn't know how to approach it, may be keeping it as a record for HR, or simply doesn't understand the implication, or know what the item itself is/the value it holds. Adversely, he may know exactly what it is, so there's that. There's also the possibility the gift giver comes from a genuine place, or a place of wealth and doesn't understand the implications of it.
I'd give him the chance to talk it through when you approach him and move forward from there.
Ok, seeing as a lot of people are bashing on the guy.
He could just not know how to react or raise this with his partner. I would be awkward as fuck in my early years. Maturity and knowing how to handle comes with age.
Should he have told you asap, for sure. Is he cheating, not necessarily. Probably worried about upsetting you and not wanting to upset you.
This is inappropriate. He KNOWS it is inappropriate. He is not pulling away from the person who gave him this gift. He is hiding things from you.
This is how affairs start. This is the beginning.
What he does next tells the story of where this is going to go. Right now he’s internally making choices. Does the good feeling of being admired and desired by someone new mean more to him than his relationship to you? Does he continue to nurture this new connection and hide things from you?
You can wait and see what he does or you can call him out and force a choice.
Take the cologne and toss it and take the note and hide it. See if he notices it's gone. He'll either ask if you took it or not say anything because he doesn't want to tell you about it. How he responds to finding the cologne missing will speak volumes.
There are 2 possibilities:
1) His coworker is so wildly inept at social etiquette that she doesn’t understand how inappropriate it is to tell a coworker that you love the way they smell IN WRITING, and your boyfriend has mysterious reasons for not telling you about the weirdest thing he’s ever experienced at work.
2) Your boyfriend has given his coworker reason to believe her advance was desired.
On the off chance that scenario 1 is actually the case, he sure as hell would understand why you’d be concerned. If he gets defensive, don’t let him gaslight you.
Uhhhhh whoa. That is definitely crossing a line. The price point of the cologne is one thing, but the note left by this coworker is a major red flag. Plus your bf was hiding it why???? Seems very sus.
Nope. He kept the note for a reason. ADHD is not an excuse! But why did he keep the note and cologne? He should have thanked her BUT politely handed the gift back. “ thank you for thinking of me. While I appreciate the gesture, I have a gf. I feel the gift is inappropriate.”
The note is inappropriate but that's on the coworker, not him. But the fact that he's been hiding it instead of being upfront is sus af. Can't tell if you are overreacting since you didn't tell how you reacted, but him hiding this is pretty shady
But why’d he keep the note? 😂
I thought the same thing. He kept the note because it means something to him. If he had no feelings for his coworker he might have still kept the cologne but he would have thrown the note out
As someone who has been in this position, I kept it as evidence while I struggled to decide whether to go to HR. If its opened/used, that would throw that potential away though because I'd be super creeped out to actually use the present my forward coworker got me. As someone who told their SO immediately, I get why most people don't. I must have lead them on because who would do something unwanted at work? 😬
HR?! Man I dunno about that.
dealing with unwanted romantic advances is one of the functions of HR. I think it's okay to use them if you feel uncomfortable rather than crate an awkward situation with your coworker but of course it all situational
To be fair though the coworker already created the awkward situation so it already exists. You also need to go to HR in case the coworker is crazy and soon tries to flip the script and accuse you of something.
There is a solid chance he threw them together in the pack and hasn't taken either out
I was gonna say this lol, I have ADHD and I’ve been in very similar situations where it’s like no, I just forgot to throw this away or give it back. Sorry, no cheating, I’m just fucking dumb 💀
Lol. Female with adhd here. You just reminded me to clean my purse. Who knows what I've tossed in there?
Maybe he felt flattered yet guilty? Guilty because he's already in a relationship.
This is how I view it too. Also what was written in it was very intimate, unless this is a case of her being a bit of a weird person or stalker then that's definitely something you'd say as a romantic thing. It's just too specific for a random thing to say
Either he is a dumb af cheater if that thing means something to him, or he needed some proof that this coworker wrote that shit. Probably first, but I'd like to see an update on this one
Because it’s from his new gf.
He likes her smelling him and complimenting him
Yeah, this is spot on. Whats the cologne?
Bond No. 9. Very expensive.
As a fragrance person, yeaaah that’s really expensive and niche to get for a coworker. She either wants to gauge his receptiveness to an affair or they’re already having one, but I think the first is more likely. Not blaming him but do you know how he interacts with her? Maybe I’m cheap but I wouldn’t buy Bond for anyone but my husband, is it possible he gave her a reason to think he’d be happy to accept a personal/pricy gift like that? Do they text or snap etc outside of work? Crossing my fingers for you that he’s just a sweetheart of a guy and she’s reading everything wrong
Financials is also another part of it. Is this like she can't afford her rent because of the expensive gift or is it like a tiny drop in the bucket because they are wealthy? Either way, the note is inappropriate though
Yes about the note. But that gift is totally inappropriate under normal circumstances. This doesn’t seem to fit in this case at all. Something else is going on. The gift should be returned.
In the same context- My best employee is a fucking nut about fragrance, works his ass off and has a cologne collection worth more than most cheap cars. Still not getting him bond level fragrances. (I’m just a manager, if I owned he’d get 2) I texted Darius and asked “if a chick buys you bond no.9 is she trying to fuck” His answer is “Hell fuck yeah thats a 400$ bottle of cologne”
Unless he's a cologne guru kinda guy he may not know how much it costs. My husband would have no idea. He'd say thanks and throw it in his backpack without thinking a second thing about it. Or once upon a time would have. He's learned it's not okay for other women to buy him clothes, cologne, shoes, etc. And yes he had to learn. It never crossed his mind it would be inappropriate.
But you can't overlook the fact that he didn't immediately give it back to the coworker or tell OP. He may be embarrassed and/or flattered. But OP needs to sit down with him and have a talk about it. If there's nothing going on, then he needs to give the gift back, as accepting it implies that he might be interested. I hope hes not already doing something, which would explain the expensive and intimate gift.
Yeah Bond no. 9 is not cheap, and I would never buy that for someone I didn’t know really well. But I wouldn’t buy a $300 anything for a coworker. that is not appropriate
Is it female co worker. If true over the top/ inappropriate. If not opened return it. He’s too close to this person and if woman/ likely affair
Yeah he should’ve told her he couldn’t accept it. He kept it, plus the note. Highly sus!
Without the note I'd say he might have been in the clear. I don't really wear cologne so I wouldn't know if it was $30 or $300. I just do regular deodorant or body spray that my wife picks out. So there is the chance he's clueless about the cost.
It’s a really small chance tbh. Why has he been hiding it?
Do w such an expensive gift / what does he buy her? Jewelry? This is an affair or one she’s wanting and likely he does too
The amount of straight guys with girlfriends that my gay friends had sex with is pretty high. Never judge a book by his gf
I would take it and give it to my Dad and tell him what happened and open it if it isn’t and put it on him and tell him Dad it’s $300 enjoy it!
If it's another male co-worker then that might be a bigger concern.
If some chick bought my mans Bond No. 9 I’d fight a bitch. Super not okay that he’s been hiding it from you after it came with such a provocative note … he should’ve came straight to you after getting that.
Seems more likely than not his backpack is his nooner bag.
You've seen the box and it may have a price on it, but if one knows where to shop, you can find Bond No 9 fragrances in 50ml bottles for $115-$150 at very reputable online retailers. That is still too expensive for an office gift. Just pointing out that it being Bond No 9 doesn't necessarily make it $300 (again, unless you saw a price on it.).
Soooper not normal. She’s either having an affair or shooting for one. He’s hiding her from you - how do you feel about emotional affairs?
Has he been using it?
I feel like she wouldn’t have just bought it for no reason🫢
It's certainly concerning, but as a woman I have been given extravagant and inappropriate gifts from coworkers or friends, despite never having done anything to encourage it. And women can be aggressive and delusional too, so I hesitate to blame OP's boyfriend without more info.
100% - him accepting it and hiding it is the issue
Also the fact that he kept the note like it’s a souvenir or trophy is concerning
If I were a cheating scumbag that values the note, I'd keep it in my desk at the office, idk. If he's cheating he's being absolutely stupid about it by bringing it home. But you know, maybe it's exactly the case
He knows it’s inappropriate and that’s why he’s hiding it. He either wants to keep the secret going (whatever that means) or he knows his gf will be rightfully concerned. And I do not believe he should’ve accepted the gift.
Agreed. I don’t think it’s a smoking gun (he could be trying to decide if just to return it, or how to react to it himself and if he wants to escalate it as a problem) but it needs to be a convo
Nah you tell your spouse about that shit immediately
Lol. Have you ever been married?? You tell your spouse that shit *before* you get home!!!
True. And maybe he wasn't hiding it for three weeks actually. My colleagues were late with their gifts because they were on vacation while it was my birthday, then I was on vacation. A lot of things could be in play, so I wouldn't jump to conclusions. They just need to talk
Yeah, hiding it does seem sketchy. Maybe he didn't want to upset you, but being open about it would've been better.
Unless the coworker is an absolute loose cannon…the boyfriend probably made her think it’s okay to cross that boundary and give it to him. Giving someone that gift with that note is an extremely risky move that could make you look bad around the office. No one with sense would do that at their serious office job no matter how much they crushed on the other person, as a first move.
I'm a nice person. I talk to everyone. When someone made a move on me, I told my partner right away. He said what you said. That I did something to make them think it was ok. No, the hell I didn't! We don't know if he did or not. People shoot their shot in different ways.
You must have been very fortunate in your working life, because there absolutely are people who behave inappropriately at work. That's why we have laws and rules and HR departments. I've been harassed or bothered, or witnessed it, at most places I've worked, and I was harassed by a teacher at my high school.
I’d see this as a no-win situation for the recipient of whatever attention was granted. I had a coworker solicit me to have sex with their spouse over email while at work. I almost fainted. What am I supposed to do? Tell my SO? Make a huge ginormous deal out of it? Get the person fired? Not sure if there’s a right answer. Lose-lose any way you cut it.
If you want to take a low confrontation approach, make this about her. “Hey, found this cologne and note in your backpack, looks like XYX coworker has the hots for you eh. You should make sure to shut that down. I know as a woman I would not buy someone this expensive cologne and write a note like that without having clear intentions of pursuing a relationship. Please let her know this is very disrespectful to our relationship OR I’m happy to tell her myself”. Then see how he reacts.
This is the right way. I have been given things shoved the in my backpack and forgotten them. I definitely wouldn’t realize if it was an expensive gift or not. If he has been wearing it and hiding it thats another thing.
I would not offer to tell her myself though. He needs to own that shit
It’s more of a “you better tell her OR next time I see her I’m bringing it up”. So that he knows how serious OP is. And OP should ask him for receipts to confirm the conversation was had- “What was her reaction when you told her”. At worst, the guy is cheating , at best he may be enjoying the attention/ego boost from another woman
It’s never a good look to confront the potential affair partner. It’s the SO’s job to protect the relationship so the consequence should fall on him, not on some stranger who never made a relationship commitment.
Exactly this. I said he shouldn’t have accepted the cologne especially because of the note.
100% inappropriate
Doesn’t matter how expensive it was, they could have bought him Axe body spray and put that note with it and it would be just as bad. AND he’s hiding it from you in his backpack? I think you know what’s going on here.
He should give it back to her. The biggest problem is him hiding this from you. Whats his excuse. I am petty, I would use it myself and visit him at work, thank the co worker for the nice gift and take your partner out for lunch.
If they are having an affair she will look a bit stupid doing this.
If you need to pee on something to prove it’s yours… well, it’s not. If she’s in a secure relationship she doesn’t need to do this at all.
No, but where is the petty fun in that.😅
I mean… true. I may not agree with the behavior but I is one ✨petty✨ biatch!! 😅
I think this is a fantastic idea, putting on a show of dominance may be perceived and petty or uncouth by other women but your SO will probably love it. Most people like the idea of being desired enough for people to fight over them. Especially after you have had a conversation with your partner and are sure he's not having an affair.
so he hides this from her and your suggestion is to reward him? yeah, men sure do love when women are in competition with each other.
In my younger days I probably would have taken it a step further, worn the Cologne dressed up nice went into work and say you want to smell me and shook my boobs in their face
Both are very inappropriate. He should have handed that right back.
Should have but may have just been shocked and uncomfortable. But if it's really been 3 weeks and he hasn't given it back OR told his partner... that's sus. Not necessarily a smoking gun, but a red flag tbs.
I once received an inappropriate email from a friend who attended our wedding. I shut her down appropriately, but I waited a few days to tell my wife. I was really disappointed that she did that. She was my first friend in that country and was the reason I met my wife in the first place. I needed some time to internalize it before I told my wife.
i always tell my girlfriend when people i know flirt with me, old girlfriends get back in touch, etc. it's not a fun conversation for either of us but that way there's no question as to my being forthcoming
Interesting, when that happens to myself and my partner it’s kind of a “how embarrassing for them to be going after you lol” - of course it would be different if it were a close friend broaching boundaries, but just for acquaintances or exes? Not a touchy conversation.
I agree
And I agree. But there's also a legitimate fear of reprisal for being honest, which is sad. OP's boyfriend may be like me and need how to think about how to relay the information. OP may have a temper which isn't evident in the post. My wife and I ended up confronting our "friend" about it and she's no longer a part of our life.
Hiding it is very shady. And yes, that's very inappropriate.
So is your boyfriend one of those guys that jumps at any woman giving him attention or is he going to discuss the inappropriate nature of this gift and note with his coworker?
If he claims it was innocent or defends it then it's a big problem..
Almost every man jumps.
It could be worth 10k, that doesn't matter. Him hiding it is insanely suspicious, and that's coming from a man. Follow and trust your gut here.
No. $300 cologne is a bit... excessive. And hiding the gift from you? Highly suspect
Whooooa hell yes that is. I would investigate way deeper into this
That’s highly inappropriate and enough to warrant a call to HR. Should he so choose. At the least, he needs to give it back and give her a warning. Him hiding it… is never a good sign. Not overreacting!
Yes that is inappropriate he should have told her so. Second why is he hid it for he know what he did was wrong
Yeah it is completely inappropriate. If he knew if was $300 cologne he should have given it back to her saying: 'I appreciate the gesture but I really can't accpet such a gift from a coworker'. If, however, he thought it was like $20 cologne then I get why he'd keep it. I mean a lot of people havn't got a clue how much certain brands cost. BUT, there are two big ass red flags here: 1)the note she included, 100% flirty and inappropriate 2) the fact that he was HIDING it. All very sus, on his end and hers. I think she wants your bf to be her bf and your bf either has no backbone whatsoever or he kinda likes her as well. Either way, is that what you want in a man?
He should have told her it's inappropriate and then communicated with you about the issue. Have you met her/does she know about you?
Remindme! 2 weeks
Somebody is hitting on your bf 🤷♀️
100% inappropriate on coworker's end, and the price & her note make it completely clear she's into him. I'm more worried about him hiding it from you, however. Super sus.
Yeah, that is pretty weird. I can't imagine getting even the best of coworkers a $300 gift unless it was a group present for a wedding or baby shower. Him not telling you is also weird.
“I’ve always loved your smell from the day we met”. This says more than an innocent comment. It implies more intimacy than just being a coworker. It’s what a lover tells their lover. The fact that he hid it from you and Still hiding it says volumes. Let me ask you, has he opened it, dies it appear used? If so, keep an eye on how much he’s using it from this day forward.
>It’s what a lover tells their lover. I is also what a crazy coworker would say to a coworker she is in,love with.
Yep on both scenarios. And if it’s a crazy coworker, it’s got to be shut down Tout Suite and sent to HR before things go sideways.
300 bucks for a “co-worker” is wild, unless they are doing everything to butter them up and position themselves to make a move. If they were besties for a long time and have a relationship outside of work, then maybe, but if the relationship to your knowledge is solely work related, then I’d be annoyed and some what suspicious of the nature of their relationship.
[удалено]
This is the way. I think you're right that they're already involved. I would spend $300 on my son, my partner, and my dad - nobody else. That's A LOT of money.
But if she always liked the way he smells why is she getting him cologne?? Hmmmm??
I need to go out and smell this cologne now.
If this is a cologne ad, well done OP.
Oh, he hid it? Well, if he's not fucking her, he will be soon.
Right?! All these comments like "oh maybe he just felt awkward or forgot it in the bag" lmao, poor OP got the naive gang today.
UPDATE: I dumped it out, tore up the note, talked to them BOTH about how inappropriate it was. I don’t think things were innocent on either of their parts necessarily, but don’t think they are having an affair. A little too friendly at work for sure— but that’s the service industry for ya.. but we all know that’s a slippery slope too. He knows it was wrong to accept such an intimate gift (hence why he hid it and planned on lying to me at some point about where he got it) and selfishly wanted to keep it (it IS expensive but also something he could easily afford to buy himself) and he definitely enjoyed the attention. But I framed to him like this: Imagine some dude at my office gifted me some lingerie or something along with a note about how sexy I am. Would I be flattered? Sure, maybe. But never in a million years would I accept that kind of gift. And also made the point that he, my dad, or mayyybe my brother are the only men I’d ever buy cologne for. Much less a $300 bottle. She was stumbling over herself apologizing when I called her, which I’m sure is the LAST thing she expected- and knows it was a serious overstep. I think she definitely knew what she was doing / was testing the waters. I was polite and got the information I wanted from her, mainly what HIS behavior has been like to make her think such a gift (and that fucking note!) would be welcome, but also made it clear that it was a wildly inappropriate gift, and he should not have accepted it. Point blank. I told him if he’d just been honest about it up front we probably could have had a laugh about how weird it was, but that I expect him to be honest with me. I don’t need him to tell me every time someone hits on him (I certainly don’t tell HIM every time some nerd hits on ME) but I do expect him to shut that shit down, and I don’t want to have to even question that. A $300 bottle of cologne isn’t worth our relationship. Aaaand now for the trust rebuilding, which we all knows is *so* much fun. My feelings are hurt and it’s going to take a while. Anyways, moral of the story- if you feel like you have to hide some shit, it’s probably your gut telling you that you probably shouldn’t be doing that thing. Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.
What did she say exactly?
Inappropriate. You definitely need an answer and a reason why she bought him a gift so intimate and expensive. Also what's the reason to hide it!!
You sure you're still the girlfriend?
We need updates
I would go through is phone first and see if I can find a relationship between them then Put the cologne and the note in the middle of the table tell him he’s been hiding it so he knows it’s wrong. Demand that he gives it back to her. And see his reaction from there
What’s their relationship like? Over friendly always chatting get together? Works trips? ETC or see her in office couple times a month and rarely interacts outside of that? Any other red flags 🚩 with him?? Or just this? Could be he’s uncomfortable with it and doesn’t know how to react~ I’d be more pissed about the hiding it~ AND THAT NOTE!! She’s way outside of her lane! Hubs needs to shut that shit down. Was it open? Is he wearing it at work and hiding it so you don’t know? I’d sit him down and just ASK about it and their relationship 🤷🏻♀️
Get me a job there? My cologne supplies are running low. For real but… hiding it is the sus part.
You don't buy cologne for someone that you just want to be friends with, let alone the price. She's definitely interesting in him, I just hope for your sake he's not cheating
OP-please update once you confront him!
The bf hiding the gift from OP = 🚩🚩🚩
people that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Your husband's actions are shady!!
Edit: I haven’t brought it up to him, and not sure how I would, if I did. Or if I should even. The fact that he’s been hiding it tells me he knows it’s inappropriate & that I would be upset by it. It’d be completely different if he’d been upfront about it like “look at this gift my coworker gave me” etc.
This is going to keep lingering in your mind until you talk it out. Just say you came across the cologne and note and wanted to know why it was being concealed. Don’t let it fester until you can’t hold it in anymore- it’ll end up coming off more intense than you intend.
I find this so confusing. You didn’t immediately walk this gift over to him and say “what’s this?”. Are you not comfortable talking to your BF about your concerns or is it a general fear of confrontation?
I would not be able to keep my mouth shut.
SAME lmao
I'm the type of person who NEEDS to think over stuff like this. I need to process AND figure out how I want to approach the confrontation. I have a fear of confrontation from my childhood and if I just say "hey what's this" I'm susceptible to just quietly accepting whatever he says then feeling like I can't bring it up again later because I already did once. I need to have a plan on what to say.
What is the phone situation like in the relationship? Does he wear the colone? I would ask him to see his phone and see what texts/DMs they have been sending. A note like that doesn't just happen unless the coworker is extremely forward. I would be curious about what relationship they had before the note. The only reason I would not bring it up is if I wanted to take pictures of the note and get other evidence in case he is cheating. I've seen exs try to turn things around so some people like to get evidence so they can't get blamed in the future.
You need to bring it up to him. Has it been opened/used? Either he knows it's inappropriate or he is hiding it from you.
Are you waiting to catch them in a hotel room or be told ILYBNILWY?
I love you but not in love with you?
He’s fooling around. She feels that she can say that to another co worker/ NO but she would if they are flirty or having an affair.
I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I’d have confronted him the minute I found it. And if I didn’t, he’d know right away that something was bothering me. There’s no way I could hide knowing something like that. In fairness, it’s probably better that you waited a bit so you don’t come at him while emotional. But this is definitely something that needs to be discussed. You’ve been in a relationship for a very long time. He owes you a conversation about it. He’s in the wrong for not telling you up front. So don’t be shy or uncertain about asking him about it. Just tell him there’s something you’d like to discuss, and then when he’s ready and you’re both sitting in a comfortable place with no distractions, let him know you found it. The conversation will unfold naturally after that.
I just wanna recap this real quick He gets expensive cologne and flirty note from CW He doesn't talk with you about it You find it and don't talk to him about it because you aren't sure how to bring it up Maybe that's how he feels too. On god, if I got a flirty letter from my coworker I wouldn't tell anyone. I'd accept the gift but I'd mull over what to do with the cologne, wether or not to talk with the coworker or HR or ignore it and hope they stopped. Especially if it was the first time, I wouldn't bother my partner with it for a myriad of reasons. I wouldn't want them to think I'd be tempted, that they have to worry while I'm at work, that they'd probably ask me about them regularly after that, etc. Before you jump to conclusions, ask questions. He may have a lot of anxiety about this for a variety of reasons. They could be someone with power over him, someone connected to someone with power, someone he has to work closely with consistently, etc. And unfortunately, buying cologne and telling someone they smell nice isn't enough for a woman to get fired so even IF he made a stink about it, the most it'd likely do is sour the space he has to be in daily.
How did you find it? Why were you going through his backpack?
You are very much under-reacting. The note alone would send me into a tizzy. Add in the gift and I’d be done with him and his smelly lies.
Updateme
!updateme
i think you should have a conversation with him about it: why he hid it, how he feels about it, how you feel about it, etc
You’re not overreacting. That’s an inappropriate gift to receive from a coworker and he should have refused it. Hiding it in his backpack says he either has something going on with this person, or he doesn’t but is greedy enough to want to keep it even though he obviously knows it’s wrong. Does he normally spray on enough cologne that it can be smelled from a few feet away? Because if he doesn’t, that coworker has been getting way too close.
He never should have accepted it. The end.
Very inappropriate. I would have thrown it away if I was that bf and in front of the coworker. This is in the realm of inappropriate behavior in the workplace. He is just as sus with hiding it, let alone keeping it.
If it were me, I'd tell my husband he needs to give it back and tell her it was a completely inappropriate gift and note.
That's not ok. It isn't ok on her part for sure. And he should have immediately given it back and said the note and the gift were inappropriate for someone in a committed relationship. Like others have said, the fact that he's hiding it is quite concerning. To give a differing perspective, I'm a female and the front desk person at my job. I work in a male dominated construction based industry. For my birthday, the guys on the field crew got me a happy birthday balloon and a card that farted the William Tell Overture lol, and I *still* told my husband about it because it wasn't a company sponsored gift. It was a personal one. So, I think bf got some 'splainin' to do.
Has he used the new cologne? It’s inappropriate that he’s hiding it, but he might just not know what to do. I would have rejected it and told my SO immediately so everything is out in the open.
I'm more concerned about him "hiding" the gift than the actual gift. Does he know you found it?
Does he come home smelling of it?
He’s been hiding it?? 🚩
I think you’re under reacting based on your comments. I get that you don’t want to stir any drama given whatever your history is with your bf, but this is something that deserves addressing regardless if it turns out to be innocent. Either he’s hiding it because he’s embarrassed and doesn’t know what to do/how to react to someone who gave him an inappropriate gift, and who he works with so that can make things tense; or he’s hiding it because there’s something going on whether it’s at the emotional stage or physical stage of cheating. I don’t know him so I can’t say how he’d react in situation #1. I’d probably hide it unsure of what to do depending on if my partner is jealous or insecure. I’ve hidden people hitting on me, propositioning me etc from previous partners for that reason. Telling them could spark that insecurity and then they can’t get it out of their head that something’s going on when there’s nothing going on. But that was before when I was younger and terrified of conflict and in somewhat immature, toxic relationships. What stands out to me is the hiding (and in a backpack where someone would likely not snoop unless you do consistently empty it or add things for him), but also the note. Maybe because I’m a writer and I read a lot of romance, but I analyze language a lot. “From the day we met” sounds intimate and flirty versus “happy birthday! I know you love this cologne and got it for you. You’ve always smelled great!” The note would be why I’d address it to my partner, and decide from there based on their story if it sounds like BS or if it truly is something innocent. I don’t think cologne is an intimate gift imo bc I’ve gifted cologne to my brother and before I used to be unsure what to even gift men since clothing is tricky. The price I guess depends on your financial status and the other person’s financial status. They’d have to be really great friends to have her go over her income-level and buy an expensive gift for him which would be suspicious because it doesn’t seem you know the coworker/are close.
no, cheater
Yes it is very inappropriate. Let him know you found it and that you’re unhappy with it. That she was inappropriate and unprofessional for gifting him that with the note. In my culture, it is taboo to give a loved one perfume or cologne because the result is that you become enemies.
What women would spend that kind of cash , unless they are involved ? Think… even as a single woman would you buy that ???, with that note for someone you aren’t already dating? You just would not do that. I think you should be very concerned.
Um that's.....fucking WEIRD
Girl he's hiding a lot more then that especially with a note like that
Hard to tell, since you never told us how you reacted.
1. You didn’t share your reaction 2. Its not an appropriate gift for coworkers. The note was completely inappropriate 3. He hesitated to tell you because he fears how you’d react. My ex was so toxic that I couldn’t bring almost anything to her attention without her punishing me, even when I was immediately honest with her. Her fears and insecurities were always my fault. It’s more likely that your BF feels this way rather than he’s hiding some sort of emotional affair with a coworker. But who knows? We have zero detail here and we’re all just guessing.
All of it is fucked up. There's emotional cheating going between them, for sure.
Dude here. I would be conflicted when I was younger because I know it's expensive and smells good, and I would never buy it for myself, but I would be terrified of telling my wife I got it. It would probably take a minute to figure out how to approach. Now? I would have given it back with a no thank you.
The note is inappropriate, and he should have told her that when he received the gift. He should have rejected the gift and told her that he doesn't appreciate being sexually harrassed. Lastly, he should have reported her for sexual harrasment since in her note. She mentions she loves the way he smells to the extent of buying him cologne. Imagine if the genders were reversed. If a man was going around gifting his coworkers with perfumes and romantic notes he would be fired. If your bf was not weirded out by her behavior, then he is enjoying it.
It's inappropriate..... him hiding it from you even more so.
Not overreacting. The hidden note, content of the note and cost of the gift, are ALL troubling. What exactly is the relationship with the co-worker?
Why did he hide it? I would fully expect my husband to immediately return this and explain its not appropriate and he would like to keep their relationship completely professional only. Then not speak to her unless necessary at work.
How have you not just walked up to him with it and asked “What’s this?” Calmly with no accusatory tones. His reaction alone will tell you everything you need to know.
hiding it is sketchy lol
Definitely inappropriate (and creepy, unless theres something going on between them) gift from the co-worker, and definitely sketchy of him to be hiding it in his backpack.
That’s nice gift lol $300 sheeeeeesh she loves him
1000% inappropriate. He knows it. No way in hell is a platonic friend dropping $300 on a gift. There’s definitely an affair.
So let's recap: 1. He recieved a $300 gift from his coworker. 2. He recieved a very intimate note from said coworker. 3. He didn't tell you about the gift OR the note. You are not overreacting. I think he is either already fucking his coworker or he wants to. Good luck.
It depends, was this said to him before or after the sex? 😀you are right.
That note says everything.
Red flag Red flag Red flag Red flag
Don’t play stupid here. Not Overreacting at all. Leave
It's not his fault that she bought it for him. It is a HUGE red flag that he hid it instead of not accepting it from her. I would strongly suspect he's cheating. I'm sorry.
Does he normally use Bond No. 9?
He shouldn’t have accepted it. He should have declined the gift, told you about the attempt, and distanced himself from her. Side note: Other than the occasional over-cologned person I couldn’t tell you what any of my former coworkers smell like.
There’s two approaches here. If you receive a gift that is not wanted from somebody who you see rarely or not at all then it’s best not to respond or return as it is still keeping communication open. The other side is where you have regular contact (which i suspect is the case here); if you don’t want to appear like a jerk then sensitively return it with an explanation I cannot accept this as it’s too expensive to receive from a friend (or colleague). If you keep it too long then it leaves you open to seeming to have expressed interest. Third scenario is if the bf has been using it, then it’s probably been used around this other lady and they are probably having an affair (you don’t wear a specific cologne for somebody without the expectation of something happening!)
People with nothing to hide hide nothing. Red flags going off that he hid in his backpack. Not liking it at all.
no idea what your reaction was/is but he wouldn’t be hiding it if he didn’t think it was inappropriate.
I came across this post while in a very contrarian mood, so it's best I keep my opinions to myself. Edit: I've copied this text so I can use it to comment on practically everything I see on this site today.
If she always loved his smell then why buy him a different smell? Something doesn't add up here.
Not overreacting. Hubby should have politely declined said gift -OR- have taken it and showed you immediately when he got home.
I wouldn’t buy a gift like that for a male coworker if either of us were in a relationship. I’d be thoroughly pissed off if someone did that to my husband. He’s up to something, if he’s hidden it & giving a load of hot air explanation wise. It’s an intimate sounding note talking about his smell. That’s the sort of stuff you would say in the initial stages of a relationship. Someone needs to have a stern word with the b1tch. Maybe she’s trying to initiate a break up.
INCREDIBLY inappropriate. If I was on the receiving end of that gift and note, I would have reported the coworker to HR. Accepting the gift wouldn’t have even crossed my mind as an option (let alone hiding it?!). WTF was he thinking??? What was SHE thinking??? What did he do or say that made her think this was a good idea and would be well received??? No matter what the answers to those questions are, they can’t be good, just varying levels of bad. If I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt (which is a huge stretch imo) and assume that he was blindsided by this and panicked, or simply wasn’t thinking at all and he’s just dumb, then I would still seriously consider ending the relationship because I wouldn’t be able to trust his judgement in general. A full grown adult should recognize the inappropriateness of this situation and should know the importance of shutting shit like this down asap. It incredibly worrisome to me that instead he did…nothing… Sorry you’re dealing with this at all, I hope it turns out for the best ❤️
I don’t find her actions inappropriate because I don’t know what she knows about his relationship. Your boyfriend hiding the cologne is the issue here.
You never need the internets permission to break up
Yes, it’s inappropriate. No, hiding it from you doesn’t mean there’s cheating. He may just want to keep the perfume even though he knows he should refuse the gift. Talk with him. Try to not go in with a judgement in mind and listen to him then go from there.
Dump him. He’s ruined your trust. Without trust everything else is thrown into question. Cut loose now or you will be driven crazy and be called delusional.
This is insane. The fact that she even feels comfortable enough to write a note like to him that tells you all you need to know...plus him hiding it
Loving the stereotypical Reddit relationship advice. “It must be an affair!” Was it an inappropriate gift for her to give? Yes. Should he have accepted it? No. But maybe he was just (inappropriately) reluctant to give up an expensive gift rather than hiding an affair.
This is a boyfriend problem, not his coworkers problem. Why does she feel comfortable enough to spend that money and send that note? I’d wager money your partner is making himself seem available or obtainable. Do you personally know any woman willing to spend that money on someone who isn’t returning any affection?
I work primarily with women as a result of my career. I have been with my current organization since grad school, and I am very close with some of my coworkers. It is utterly normal for me to be holding 2am conversations with my female (I am male with a female partner) coworkers about both work and life. I would never give nor would I accept such an expensive and boderline intimate gift from any of them. If such a gesture was made, I would explain how I would feel if my partner came home with such a gift from a male coworker and hope that was clear enough to get a message across without offense. I say this to explain why I do not feel you are overreacting. I ran it through a few different scenarios with people I have been very close with over the years at work, and could not find a reasonable case where it would be normal (early 30s for context). I'll grab drinks with the same coworkers, hang late with them when traveling at conferences...I have a pretty wide latitude for what can be a normal platonic work relationship. But expensive, personal gifts? There is absolutely something to read into.
So…. My issue isn’t the coworker. It’s your bf. I can’t control if a coworker is crushing on me and has a unilateral relationship in their head. I can control how I communicate to them, and more importantly how I communicate to my gf. I can also understand the urge to hide in case he thought you would have a bad reaction, but then he’s been carrying it around without throwing it away. That is the bit which has me a little suss’d out.
That is highly inappropriate. He shouldn't have accepted the gift, unless something is going on with the coworker. He's hiding it from you too so that even more suspicious. He needs to set some boundaries with this coworker because it sounds like crush/relationship gift.
There's a possibility he didn't tell you because it's one sided and he didn't want you thinking it was bigger than it is, or want to cause any trouble when there doesn't need to be, or want you to be stressing everytime he goes to work if there's no reason to. HOWEVER; he kept the note.... that's suss af.. everything about this situation is inappropriate. I just hope for your sake its just the cowoker.
He should have given it all back to co worker immediately. Sorry, I can't accept something so expensive and personal.
I don't think it's normal, and I'd definitely consider it an inappropriate gift. There's always a chance that either she/or your partner are absolute sweethearts and don't understand the implication, and I think it's silly to jump to many of the conclusions that people are in this comments section. Humans are complex creatures. It is entirely possible that he doesn't know how to approach it, may be keeping it as a record for HR, or simply doesn't understand the implication, or know what the item itself is/the value it holds. Adversely, he may know exactly what it is, so there's that. There's also the possibility the gift giver comes from a genuine place, or a place of wealth and doesn't understand the implications of it. I'd give him the chance to talk it through when you approach him and move forward from there.
Ok, seeing as a lot of people are bashing on the guy. He could just not know how to react or raise this with his partner. I would be awkward as fuck in my early years. Maturity and knowing how to handle comes with age. Should he have told you asap, for sure. Is he cheating, not necessarily. Probably worried about upsetting you and not wanting to upset you.
My main concern would be if he was hiding it and using it. There would be no reasonable justification for this.
INFO: how did you find this?
This is inappropriate. He KNOWS it is inappropriate. He is not pulling away from the person who gave him this gift. He is hiding things from you. This is how affairs start. This is the beginning. What he does next tells the story of where this is going to go. Right now he’s internally making choices. Does the good feeling of being admired and desired by someone new mean more to him than his relationship to you? Does he continue to nurture this new connection and hide things from you? You can wait and see what he does or you can call him out and force a choice.
Take the cologne and toss it and take the note and hide it. See if he notices it's gone. He'll either ask if you took it or not say anything because he doesn't want to tell you about it. How he responds to finding the cologne missing will speak volumes.
There are 2 possibilities: 1) His coworker is so wildly inept at social etiquette that she doesn’t understand how inappropriate it is to tell a coworker that you love the way they smell IN WRITING, and your boyfriend has mysterious reasons for not telling you about the weirdest thing he’s ever experienced at work. 2) Your boyfriend has given his coworker reason to believe her advance was desired. On the off chance that scenario 1 is actually the case, he sure as hell would understand why you’d be concerned. If he gets defensive, don’t let him gaslight you.
She down terrible for your bf
Uhhhhh whoa. That is definitely crossing a line. The price point of the cologne is one thing, but the note left by this coworker is a major red flag. Plus your bf was hiding it why???? Seems very sus.
Nope. He kept the note for a reason. ADHD is not an excuse! But why did he keep the note and cologne? He should have thanked her BUT politely handed the gift back. “ thank you for thinking of me. While I appreciate the gesture, I have a gf. I feel the gift is inappropriate.”