Never gave my parents a key, never gave in-laws a key. Learned to lock my door when MIL walked in on me breastfeeding my newborn, the day after I got home from the hospital. Without calling first. Because, why should she?
A year or two later, FIL was pissed and pounding on my door, because he wanted to just walk in and the knob wouldn’t turn!!!! How dare we lock it??!!
Because I learned. Only took one time.
My BFF got a key to this house. No one else. See, I trust my bff.
Exactly. "You're Trustworthy people, but I don't trust you won't walk in unannounced and we have a right to privacy in our home. So you are welcome anytime, but let us know you're coming so we can ensure we are available."
There were 4 of us kids. I was oldest, first sister 5 yrs younger, next sister 10 yrs younger than me, then a brother 13 yrs younger than me. As we each moved out, we all still had keys to mom and dads house. They never asked us for it. If we went to see them, we rang the doorbell or knocked then went in and said Hello? All good. Even after mom died (1998) we still kept keys. But after dad remarried in 2000, it never felt like home again. Especially when they moved. And we never got keys for the new house. I was for the marriage and for the move. I’ve lived in the first wife’s house, never liked it and was thrilled to move. 🤷♀️ Maybe this is a generational thing. Our son has a key to our house and uses it the same way I did with my parents. Bottom line is what you are comfortable with. And obviously who you trust. ♥️ Hope you work it out as a compromise ♥️
It was more of a joke than anything. Around our house, if you have a key, then come on in. You wouldn't have it if I didn't trust you. My best friend has a key, and I woke up one morning to find him sleeping on my couch. It was summer, and his AC had gone out, so he came over and crashed. It didn't bother me that I didn't hear him come in because he got past my security system 2 120+lbs German Shepherds.
Have an extremely abusive dad, somehow he convinced my apartment complex manager to give him the only second key to the place. Would randomly come in "just to check" on me. Well one day I lied and said I lost my key and needed the one he had, since there were only two. I never gave that key back..
*Unfortunately* though I live on the ground entrance floor and face the front, so there are no balconies on this side. And my wall is one big window from floor to ceiling, so after that he'd just come at all random times of day and bang on my window. (Thankfully that stopped after I threatened the cops on him...)
You're better move was to ask that manager how many rules they broke by giving a key to someone who has abused you in the past, without getting your permission? At which point, you could have demanded they change your door locks, immediately.
I just wish for a moment I could truly see the thought process behind your FIL getting upset over the door being locked like there aren’t billions of other people in the world
Exactly this. My parents don't have a key to my home, and neither do my STB in-laws. My fiance doesn't give a key to his parents, either. We don't open the door for anyone who didn't explicitly ask our permission to stop by.
Yeah that’s ridiculous and out of line. 💀 i definitely understand doing it if you trust someone and it can absolutely be a good idea, but. If they’re like your in laws that’s just insane 💀
I actually have the keys to four of my neighbors’ houses which they asked me to keep for them, but I have never given our house key to anyone else! I appreciate that they trust me and I have been able to help them out many times. I never use them without being asked.
I have a key to my sister's house and you bet I always shoot a text when I'm headed that way (even though it's already been planned). And if I plan on dropping by out of the blue for something I give a call then I knock on the door and wait for it to be opened if the call wasn't answered.
Your answer summarizes it very well:
If you trust someone, giving them a key might be quite beneficial.
If you do not trust someone, giving them a key might be a very bad idea.
I'm good with your BFF having a key in view of your in-laws not respecting you with the ptivacy you are entitled to as adults. As long as some third party
has a key.
I gave my parents a key to my place, but that's because they're not using it inappropriately. My mum always texts me before they come around, and she'll still ring the doorbell, and only use the key if I'm not able to answer the door, and she won't come around if I haven't responded to her text or call or if I say not to. I trust my parents, and it's actually handy for certain people to have spare keys to my house, but I wouldn't give it to somebody who might do what your in-laws would - from what you've said, they would 100% just walk in the door without notice. If my parents did that, I would be like "You need to give me notice when you're coming around, and if you can't, I'll take the key from you and/or change the locks."
Only person to have a spare to my home is my bestie and I have hers ❤️❤️ my MIL is the devil 😂 and my dads to old to get up all the stairs xx u can get lockable combination locks to store a spare key in outside my wee dad has that incase me or any of my siblings need in to check on him but he’s 72 xx 💋
My parent in laws and aunt in laws were fucking terrible about this when we bought our first house. I almost shot one of her aunts one day as she decided to walk into the basement to find something we were temporarily storing for her without notice. I was showering when I heard a loud bang and then rustling around downstairs. I ran down ready to blast tye intruder and found it was her fucking aunt looking for her box of shit?! That was when we drew the line and told all of her family to call and knock before they show up and try entering our home without notice. I didn't think that would need to be stated, but fortunately, there have been no issues ever since.
Meaning only the couple gets to vote and both of them have to agree that the answer is yes, otherwise it’s a no. The parents have **zero** votes in this case
My husband and I lived in a small house on his mother’s farm. She had a key to our house, but never used it. However, older half sister (17years older) made a copy and used it frequently. We both traveled for work, had different schedules, and long ago,,pre cell phone and pre answering machine days, left notes for each other about where we’d be and when we’d be back. SIL would routinely take them. She’d also take things from our house and accuse me of losing it. One time I was home with the flu, sleeping in bed when my dog started growling. He only growled at one person, SIL. I got up, opened the bedroom door to find SIL giving a pour to her coworkers (local bank) saying isn’t this atrocious wallpaper? I walked out, coughed on her, took the key and told her to get out and not come back. I had the locks changed that afternoon. I’d like to say that was the end of it, but she got worse.
Well said. I think it really depends on who the key is going to and is definitely a 2 yes 1 no situation.
Personally, my parents have a key because they have awesome respect for boundaries and never come over without days notice in advance. My MIL would never get a key because she struggles with boundaries to the point she lives less than an hour away from us and is trying to quite her job and relocate to be right next to us because her son (my husband) “is too far away”
It sounds good. But after watching lock picking lawyer, I'd rather leave my door unlocked than trust one of those things. At least I won't be out an extra $200 when they easily bypass it and take my shit anyway.
I still have my “Latchkey Kid” house key from the house i lived in 40 years ago. I have a keys for every place Ive ever lived or direct relatives have lived, even my college dorm room. I’m sure none of them work anymore with the exception of my college dorm as we figured out that they repeated about every 12-14 dorms, and could actually open random doors all over campus. (Seriously, one guy found his dorm room key opened the swimming pool and another opened the Reserved Books Room in the library)
I think whether or not you're overreacting really depends on her parents. Are they busy bodies who are going to show up and let themselves in unannounced? Are they the type to let themselves in when you're not there without permission? Have they ever done something to invade your privacy?
If yes, you're not overreacting. If no, you're overreacting.
Since there are two of you it isn't *necessary* for a 3rd person to have a key. I live alone, so I have given my mother a spare key. If I were to go radio silent for a few days she would be able to get into my apartment. If I went to the hospital unexpectedly, she can feed my cat. I also have a general extra that I can give to someone temporarily, like if I'm going out of town or something.
It’s not a bad idea for *someone* to have a spare just in case but I’ve been on Reddit long enough to know that in most cases parents aren’t that someone because they don’t understand the concept of not dropping in.
Oh for sure. My mother respects my boundaries and it's actually incredibly convenient for her to have a key. If she dropped in unannounced and it wasn't a major emergency, that key would be promptly provided to someone else. 😂
I’m forgetful AF so 3 people have copies of our house key. I have called all of them at least once over the last 10 years with a “heyyyyy are you home…”
I’ve spend enough time in real life to know that isn’t the case for most parents.
Like, I’ve never heard of someone’s parents forcing themselves in unannounced before Reddit. Not one person I know has ever had that experience.
I think it’s just a classic case of “you don’t talk about what’s normal”, people with weird parents are vocal online while the rest of us simply don’t have anything to say on that topic
This is absolutely the crux of it OP - what’s the relationship like? My brother has a spare key to my place, which I share with my SO. My dad does not. I feel having a spare out there with someone totally trustworthy is a good idea, but if they’re not totally trustworthy it can become a bad idea pretty quickly.
A couple decades ago, my wife and I were traveling abroad. Someone broke into our hotel room by climbing along the balcony and breaking the door.
They stole mine and my wife’s passport along with some clothes and electronics. Luckily they missed the cash sitting on the nightstand in a book.
Went to the consulate, they said if I could get a copy of the passport it would expedite things. Called my parents. Told them where the photocopies of our passports were. They used the emergency key to get them, and then faxed them to us.
Having someone you trust keep a spare key for emergencies is a good idea.
I keep scanned copies of my passport, visas, driver’s license, vaccination records, etc., on my phone. I actually needed them once when my bag was stolen in Europe. The police couldn’t believe I was so organized. I even had the receipt for my stolen bag in there. No need to send someone to my house for records.
Spouse & I each have a key, we are each other’s backup. The petsitter gets a car remote when we travel. If necessary, we can give one to our next-door neighbor. (We have often held our neighbor’s remotes in the past).
I agree with whoever said above, this is a 2 yeses situation. My FIL would have absolutely abused having a key to our house. I actually caught him snooping in my dresser once when we were home! I had my sister’s house key while she was on her honeymoon. The day of their return, my friends and I filled their house with wildflowers, put a nice meal & wine in the fridge, and set the table with their best china. They were thrilled, happiness all around, but I wouldn’t do that today. Looking back I realize it was intrusive and could easily have backfired.
Had my wallet stolen last year. Both officers I talked to at the police station made a point of expressing how great it was I had a photo of my license on my phone.
It’s one of those things that takes 30 seconds to do, and you may never need, but it makes a world of difference if you ever do.
This is a 2 yes and 1 no situation.
I can see having the parents hold a key. My parents have had a key for our house for years, but my partner needed to be 100% comfortable with that and my mother actually took them to 1 side to make sure.
It means it is two peoples decision, and either has full power to say no.
“Hey I’m giving my mom a key to my house, and yours”
“No, that’s not ok with me”
A matter that two yeses are required from the couple for the overall answer to be a yes. Any single individual in the couple has veto power over the decision, so one no means no.
Yeah this is the important thing, it has to be someone you trust. I gave my mom my second key when I bought my first apartment, but only because I knew that she wouldn’t abuse it and come over unannounced. But if they’re the type of parents to come over unannounced _and let themselves in_, then they can fuck right off
YNO. Both of you are on the lease so it's not a unilateral decision one of you gets to make without the other.
A great model for making those types of decisions that affect both of you is two unequivocal yeses or a no. So either you both agree her parents can have a spare key or it doesn't happen.
Spare keys can be great in case of emergency but they can also be misused. There are two of you in the apartment, there are differences between how your family handles things versus how her family handles things. Until you can identify all those differences and know how you feel about them it's best for you *both* to stay neutral.
I'm lucky to come from a family where I'd trust my parents with a spare key. I've never had them demand one upon my moving into a new place, they've never asked at all. Me personally, I don't like the way her parents demanded a key and the timing and context. I would not agree to give them one for that alone.
If you've moved into an apartment complex in the US it's likely the complex has a "lock out" procedure. That is you should be able to call a maintenance man to use the complex's copy of your key to let you in. Some places charge a fee for that if it's after hours. I had to use it at my latest place when the lock actually broke and wouldn't accept my key.
It feels like between her set of keys, your set of keys and the property mgt's set of keys - you are completely covered.
Last, but not at all least, check your lease - it may be that you aren't allowed to copy the key or distribute any further keys.
Not overreacting. This is a decision you both need to be in agreement on.
Now look, as I've gotten older, I've totally seen the value in giving a spare key to SOMEONE. But it should be someone you both agree to. And I can see why her parents may not be your choice.
The parents don't get to just decide they get a key. Nor does your GF get to just decide to give them one.
If it's for emotional, I don't think it's a problem, but at what point does emergency turn into just coming in whenever you want.
My ex and I had an apartment together, I had no idea she had given a key to her mother. I got off work early, sat down on the couch, and decided I needed some me time. Mom walked in while I was mid stroke.
Apparently she came over to feed the cats, which I had already done. After she left I finished myself off, washed up, and started dinner.
The wife thought it was hilarious. I said at least let me know she has a key.
What is you plan in the event of emergency? My neighbour has one, my dad has one, my sister has one, my friend has one. And yes, they all have been called on.
I locked myself out last week. I’m unemployed. I can’t afford a locksmith.
My neighbor had my keys.
It’s totally normal for friends or family to have keys.
I would give my dad my key. I would NOT give my mom my key.
One would abuse it, the other would not. It’s only a concern to give it if they can’t respect your need for privacy. At 21? This is a pretty normal ask.
I’d let them have it on the condition they don’t just pop in, but only use it when needed.
This is the crux of the decision If they can respect boundaries and only use it in case of a reasonable worry of emergency then sure, good to have a spare out there. If they come over because you haven’t responded to texts in 2 days and get all extra about it then no. Set some *very* clear guidelines around it and let them know exactly what youre worried about (“I trust you guys, I just worry you will use it to come over and in when its not necessary. I also worry that Ill feel uncomfortable everytime someone knocks on the door and Im having me time, that you’ll come in the “make sure everything’s ok”. I like to know that my privacy wont be invaded. Just because we dont answer the door, doesnt mean theres an emergency, you know what I mean?”
Trusted neighbors don’t pop in because they don’t feel like they have a right to be in the place. Parents on the other hand… Well a lot of the stories in the comments speak for themselves
Most apartment keys (in my experience) are not allowed to have duplicates made and some even have that etched into the key itself to stop people from doing exactly that and handling out copies. They should check with the landlord to see if it's allowed.
I had to make a copy since I live alone and went on vacation for a week. Someone had to check on my animals. Landlords are supposed to change the locks after someone moves out. Shouldn’t matter if you make copies to give out
Keep one in your car. Keep one in a hide-a-key somewhere on the block.
Anybody who just expects to get a copy of your house key that doesn’t live there is a walking red flag and will abuse that power until you change the locks.
Not everybody has trustworthy or respectful family.
My cat sitter threw her copy of the key in my garbage chute while I was out of country for a week, my parents were able to get in and feed the cat until I got back.
And hasn't happened to me but if OP or his gf are away and the other loses a key / locks themselves out, having another copy stored elsewhere could come in handy.
They both get into a car accident, both are in the hospital, and something needs to be addressed in the apartment. A pet needs to be fed, or an item needs to be grabbed. Paperwork or something.
There you go. Took 8 seconds to come up with a plausible scenario.
Idk how many catastrophic accidents you've been in but the medics and cops are super concerned with looking for your belonging amongst the wreckage and and you would be in the hospital.
It’s definitely very plausible they could get lost there, remain in a car that’s been hauled off, lost in the medical scramble, so on and so forth.
The people lose their keys everyday just not quite putting them all the way in their pocket before walking off, let alone a catastrophe.
The sort of stuff that just adds stress and problems to solve instead of just going to grab some stuff.
If people are decent and reasonable it should be a non issue in my opinion, it’s like a spare key that’s in a more convenient place than a lock box at the bank.
But still definitely a two yes’s required situation.
I’ve had peoples keys, neighbors have had my keys at two older rentals because they seemed like decent mature people.
Hell years ago I noticed smoke coming out of an attic, no one answered, ran to another neighbor while my friend called 911 to be careful. Neighbor had their spare key, was able to get in immediately and check for them asleep/passed out and actually put out the fire that was burning from an electrical fault before it got out of hand.
They got pretty damn lucky there it didn’t spread faster.
I'd certainly be more receptive to giving a trusted neighbor a key over parents, but that's because there is a legitimate convenience there.
Also, I'm willing to admit that my opinions on this matter are biased due to my own lack of trust towards parents.
That’s fair, opposite for me. Worst my parents would do would be show up unexpected. Literally had a next door neighbor I thought was great and trusted attempt to break in to steal shit, turns out they were a druggy. So it’s definitely down to personal experience / relationships.
We locked the door behind us and forgot our keys inside the apartment. This has happened to me 3 times in my house that I own. I've given out a number of keys to trusted friends and family members. You never know when you'll need one. Otherwise you may be paying a locksmith to open your door, or paying to fix the window you had to break.
I have gotten along for many years with no one having a key to our house.
I have however added an electronic deadbolt. This deadbolt is wifi enabled and I can allow or not allow someone access as I please, from anywhere. Should an emergency happen as described in OPs post, my family friends would have no issue breaking down the door if they really thought myself or my wife were in danger.
No one needs a key to your house but you.
So I’ll admit my perspective on this is going to be biased based on my personal circumstances. But I do think it’s worth considering.
I have epilepsy, and it’s mostly controlled. But if no one can get ahold of me and my husband’s at work or out of town, he can call our neighbor to come check on me instead of potentially sending an EMS team when I just forgot my phone in the other room. She can get in and yell my name out, and then walk through to the back of the house peeking around for me. If I’m not there, no harm caused, she walks right back out and locks the door. For us, it’s our neighbor because both my parents are dead and his live a few towns over. But if even his mom lived nearby, I’d want her to have a key in case of emergencies.
Now, I say this is worth considering because my epilepsy started out of the blue in my 30s with no discernible cause. It could happen to anyone, any time. I’m personally more comfortable having a
trusted person having a key to our house than I would be if no one did, and I’ve actually felt that way since long before I had any seizure.
I also think it's a good idea you use a key safe like realtors use that in an emergency, your husband can give EMS the code to the lockbox and they can get in!
I also think OP should do the same. You lose your keys, your dog needs to be fed, you have a medical emergency all of this. When you need Mom and Dad to get in it's there, and once they use it, change the code. Or a rock key holder. All these are low tech, but effective!!
We use the rock method! Along with that, we have copies of our keys to everyone we know!! I'm not worried that people won't respect my boundaries. We're moving closer to my mom because she's getting older, but I would think twice before hanging her keys unless I put the fear of God into her, so I get parents are a different animal!! 🐻 🐨
I've had my own place for 17 years and in that time my dad and stepmum have always had a spare key along with another family member but only for if I loose mine, need them to feed pets when I'm away or to be at mine for delivery/repair.
They have never used it for anything else, still buzz or chap when at mine.
But if you are uncomfortable lay out your reasons to your gf and if you agree to her plan then lay out rules.
As a mom, I absolutely would want a key. As a SO, hard no. If she wants to let them track her phone, so be it. And you can give them the number to the apartment manager in case of emergency.
Edit to add: you do need a backup plan, so it’s good for someone to have a spare in case you get locked out. But you need to be 100% confident they’ll never use it unless there’s a true emergency.
Most apartment complexes / mgt have strict rules about copying keys for security reasons, so perhaps refer to them about a spare for 'emergencies'. You may want to provide your GF's parents with the superintendent's number in those situations. It's still invasive to demand that type of access to your shared private space.
On a sidenote: A friend was also in a situation where she gave her parents a spare key to care for her plants and cat while travelling, which was to be relinquished once she returned. Well, her mother copied the spare and entered her apartment when she was in a compromising position with a date. That was also the day her mother found out she was gay, and definitely not how she wanted to come out. Their relationship is still strained to this day.
Parents don't need their own key, and it's kind of inviting trouble. Having a spare key is a good idea, and depending on the location and logistics, maybe you can have a key lockbox with a code that you can give to the parents for emergencies or something like that. Seems overkill for them to have their own set.
No, you're not overreacting. Her parents want to nose through your lives. They're having trouble letting go and apparently they don't trust you with their daughter.
But ultimately you're both way over adult and they need to mind their business. Honestly this sort of shit would be a deal-breaker for me and if my girl refused to see that they don't need a key I would just be done with.
You're 21 years old. You don't need your parents that much involved in your life. If you want them that involved in your life then you should be living with them not moving out on your own.
I think having someone that has a key for emergencies is a good idea. BUT...I would be uncomfortable giving that key to GF's parents. One, the expectation that they are entitled to one rubs me the wrong way and, two, them needing to get ahold of you is not an emergency. Certainly not a 'come walking into my home univited' emergency. This combo really would make me nervous that they will not respect your privacy.
Ideally, the emergency keys go to someone that is close at hand like a neighbor and utterly unlikely to ever use it for themselves.
100% agreed. I had the same feeling based on the way the thought came to them naturally and my own prior experience.
OP, how close do said parents live? Because I bet it you give them a key, they are NOT going to limit their use to what YOU think is an emergency.
I give extra keys to the people I’m close to. I have 3 extra keys out right now. I may need someone to come by while I’m out of town for something, they may come over to my house and get there before me, I might have an emergency that they need access to my house. What that key is not for is coming over uninvited or unannounced or just to check up on us.
You’re not overreacting, especially since the trust isn’t there. Go with your gut feeling. Fourteen years ago, when my wife and I got our first place, she gave her mother a key without my approval. Anyway, three years went by, and we went on vacation. We were supposed to be gone for 14 days but came back on day 9. To our surprise, my mother-in-law was throwing a party in our backyard with people I had never seen before. I was so infuriated. It made me question how many times she had entered our place unattended.
We were supposed to spend two weeks in Guatemala with my wife’s friend from college, who had just purchased a ranch. After spending some time at the ranch, we decided to go into town, where I ended up drinking water from a stream that was supposedly “safe” for drinking. I got extremely sick. Feeling as sick as I did, and in that heat, I just wanted to die. We cut the trip short due to my illness. Luckily, all we paid for were our flights, since we were staying at the ranch, so no big losses. Funny enough, I’ve never fully recovered from that bacterial infection—it left me with digestive issues, and I haven’t been the same since.
I don't know why people are assuming the parents will just drop by unannounced. My dad has always had a key to my place and has never used it. I think it's pretty normal to give a spare key to someone - a family member, a friend, etc. It should be someone you both trust. If you know your GF well enough to live with her you should also know and trust some of the same people.
What happens if you are both out of town and someone needs to get into the apartment? If she is locked out while you are at work? There are a lot of reasons why it's good for someone to have a key.
I agree that someone should have a key. But I think it should be a conversation between them who that is.
I love my mom, she doesn't have a key to my place. Not because of a lack of trust, but because of distance. Whereas I have 2 friends who live within 10 min, and they have one.
But, if I lived with a girlfriend, I wouldn't just assume "my friends" are the ones who get it, it would need to be a conversation on who both of us are comfortable with
For me, that is why I don't think its an overreaction, because it seems to be because her parents decided that they need one, she unilaterally decided they'd have one.
Oh, you would be surprised at the number of people who make the argument "it's okay for me to be here. I have the key" when it is not, in fact, at all okay for them to be there. If you're out of town, no-one needs to be in your apartment. If there is a true emergency with the property, the landlord will be able to get in and attend to the need. Landlord can also handle lock-outs.
It does not follow that if you trust your partner you must automatically also trust all her friends and relatives. Himself is the most upstanding person I know, but some of his people are skeevy as hell and I wouldn't open the door if they knocked, much less give them a key to let themselves in. (And truth be told, my family isn't much better.)
You can’t assume they won’t drop by unannounced either though. All those problems can also be solved by a hidden key. So on one hand, you go for the assumption that they won’t invade your privacy, or you go for the option that solves all the problems without giving them the option of invading. That’s how I view it given the limited context
Comments like these don’t help. Just cause your dad didn’t don’t assume hers won’t.
Never given anyone a key to my place, never had a problem. Would never assume this would work for everyone.
>I don't know why people are assuming the parents will just drop by unannounced.
Apparently, everyone on Reddit (except me) has just awful relatives. (Or maybe nobody finds it interesting to post about the times their relatives acted rationally.)
I always felt like I didn't have the greatest parents growing up. Then I found this comment section and am thanking my lucky stars I didn't have parents like ya'll. An emergency key is just that. To be used in EMERGENCIES. Who tf's parents are just barging in on them all the time and why do they think that's ok?! If either one of my parents barged in while I was banging my man, I'm pretty sure they'd both either die of embarrassment or run away while apologizing profusely.
I don't know if it counts as barged in on - buddy of mine was home sick and midday awoke and left the bedroom to discover his at-the-time GF's parents had used their "emergency" key - they knew she was at work, they thought he was too, and the "emergency" was they wanted to sit on his couch, watch a movie on his big TV, and eat his food.
Omg! LOL. OK I'm starting to realize that a lot of folks have some seriously strange parents. My dad worked around the corner from my apartment and would treat my kitchen as a cafeteria, but he had my permission and I liked that my dogs got a bit of attention while I was away. I couldn't imagine either one of my parents behaving the way you mentioned.
Yeah, I'm aware of how lucky I am in that both my parents are not at all like this, because so many of the people I know have at least one wackadoo parental unit.
(Neither of my folks have a key to my place because they live a several hour / several day drive away and there'd be no point; I do have a key to my mom's place, not for "emergencies" but simply so I can let myself in if she happens to be out at the shop or something when I arrive for a visit)
Been there. My MIL considers snooping an emergency. Putting food she didn't want in our fridge? Emergency. Once she walked into the house AND into our bedroom while we were home.
Also, my parents were keeping our kids when we were at work, and would bring them to the house to get their own belongings. My parents generally didn't even come inside with them inlets they asked for help. They never showed up at random uninvited times, never snooped, never brought things over even if we had agreed on it, because they would do so when we were home.
If you know these people, you can guess what you are in for.
Emergency keys aren’t a bad idea. But if you’re worried, but some boundaries in place. Make sure they understand entirely that having a key is not an open invite to come over whenever they want and they are absolutely not to enter the premises without a previous agreement or emergency— and you can stipulate than an emergency for example would be there was a fire or earthquake while you were away, or you and your gf have been killed and left inside your appt and people are looking for your bodies. You know.
I think there are arguments for and against, but before you start hashing them out, read your lease. Many rental agreements prohibit anyone but the registered tenants from having the keys to a property.
And then talk through what in-case-of-emergency would look like. If the parents want a key in case they haven't heard from their daughter in a couple days, then does that mean if you're really busy at work and don't get back to them as soon as they'd like they'll let themselves in at 0600 on a Sunday morning? Does that mean they will come in even when you're not home and look around to see if anything's wrong? If you give them a key but set up guidelines about how and when they may use it, do you trust they will respect those boundaries? If you want them to temporarily have a key, like to water the plants and feed the cat when you're away on vacation, do you trust that they won't duplicate it before returning it? And if so, are both of you okay with the possibilities of any and all of those things occurring?
This is one of those one-no-beats-any-number-of-yeses things. When it comes to privacy and personal space, people have the absolute right to control access to their person and their residences.
The answer here is totally subjective. Are they tee-totalers who don't think you should be living in sin together? Are they boundary-stompers who are going to let themselves in to 'clean up' for you?
Or are they good, honest people who just want a spare for emergencies, and you don't think they will abuse it?
A lot of whether you are overreacting depends on the answers to the above questions.
I think you should invest in a smart lock, like August. It’s only like 150$. You can send virtual keys out, and you can remove them just as easily. You can limit times of access to her parents. You can grant them access remotely via a wi fi bridge.
It’s also great for granting access to housekeepers, maintenance, etc.
I don’t think you’re overreacting no, but at this point you have to ask yourself is this really the hill you wanna die on? If her parents generally respect her boundaries then yeah just give it to them. It’s a good idea for someone to have a spare anyways, so if they are relatively reasonable people and it’ll make her happy just do that.
I disagree, because if SHE makes this a bigger argument then it needs to be, it shows her lack of respect for his opinion on THEIR home.
He said he isn't comfortable with it. That should be enough for her. Now, she is totally valid to say "well, I do think someone should have a key, so if not my parents, then who". But it sounds like she doesn't care about his opinion on this.
I have read too many Reddit stories about entitled in-laws and parents just walking in whenever they want. One story, the couple was gone on vacation and they came back to find that one of the parents had moved in a sibling to their house. Parents do not need a fucking key. Have a neighbor that you trust have an Emergency key. I guess the only exception is if the parent is one that you know will never ever ever come in your house without asking.
NOT OVERREACTING.
If they need a key ONLY while helping you move because you guys aren’t home a lot of the times and they literally can’t help without getting in, that makes sense, but ONLY THAT.
But y’alls (yours and hers) parents DO NOT NEED A KEY TO YOUR APARTMENT.
Do not let them have a key, especially because of what they said about the texts. My ex made the mistake of giving his mom an apartment key and she was over all the time. She would open our door without even knocking. There were a couple of times that he almost shot her on accident thinking she was an intruder. Anyway, she did not follow the rules as to what the key was for. I'm not necessarily saying her parents are going to do the same thing but given what they said, I would not do this.
what's your plan in an emergency then? there's nothing wrong with people you trust having a key, you never know what could happen in the future. I say make a copy for them and if it ends up being an issue, like they're coming over uninvited or when you two aren't home and invading your privacy, then you can change the locks, no problem.
My fiancée has a key. If we both get in an accident and both of our keys go missing and the cat is starving then I'd just pay for a locksmith. I don't get all of the commotion about not handing out emergency keys. I've never had an issue with access to my house in my life and if I did have some freak emergency then I would pay a locksmith to get in.
I dont really think its a big deal either way, that's why I suggested just trying it out and seeing if it turns into an issue of them invading their privacy. community is always nice to have though!
I'm glad you have never been locked out! it fucking sucks lol. I locked myself out while my wife was at work one night and luckily her grandma had a spare and could drive right over and get me back into the house. I've also had to pay a locksmith before and it's not cheap! having a free option is awesome!
What sort of emergency do you imagine that would require the girlfriend's parents to have a key?
What happenstance or accident or natural disaster would be resolvable only by her parents being able to unlock and enter their apartment?
Are her parents cops, firefighters, or paramedics? Do they fly a med-evac chopper?
I said this in another comment, but I locked myself out once while my wife was at work and her grandma was able to come over and get me back in the house bc she had a spare.
not having to pay a locksmith is also a big plus.
it's not a big deal whether they give the parents or anyone for that matter a spare, just helpful when you need it.
I wouldn't really consider that an emergency, but rather a convenience - presumably you could have gone and collected your wife's key, or waited for her to get home from work.
And I get saving money is nice, but spending money isn't an emergency either.
I absolutely agree that a spare key being in the possession of someone trusted by all residents of the domicile in question can be very convenient.
Hell no. Parents done need a spare key. End of story.
Imagine you two doing it on the couch, un oh now her moms looks because she just walked in due to her spare key thats for "emergencies" or whatever excuse it is.
If you get a house they gonna have an open key to it too? Better put an end to it now. No one, NO ONE should have access to your home without realistic reason aka THEY LIVE THERE. If her daughter was alone whatever, she can do whatever but since its both of you. She doesnt need someone in case of emergencies, thats your job.
What makes you or OP think this "emergency key" will be used to just barge in?! Both of my parents have a key to my apartment and neither have ever showed up unannounced. Unless there is some history of her parents no respecting he privacy, this shouldn't even be an issue.
Well because the post literally says the parents defined an emergency as them not replying to texts for a couple days, which is a totally normal thing to happen occasionally. If every time I didn't reply to my parents for a couple days they could just barge in unannounced that would be crazy
What makes you think that the parents are going to show up unexpectedly on a regular basis? My sister has had a key to my house for years and she has never come over unannounced. Not one single time.
"Hell no. Parents done need a spare key. End of story."
You can't make a blanket statement like that.
Some parent's shouldn't have a key but others should.
It's all about what kind of people they are their relationship with their kid.
There is NO one size fits all when it comes to people and things like this.
It works for many and it doesn't work for others.
This is a case-by-case thing.
Nope. Don't let that happen.
Just give them the wrong key.
Pull the ol' switcharoo...and retain plausible deniability.
There is no reason for her parents to have a key to YOUR house. Your GF does not get to make this decision alone.
Someone should have a key just in case.
Lots of people give keys to more than 1 “back up” person.
You may not want it to be her in-laws, but is there any reason to think they’d abuse the privilege?
I had a drunk for a neighbor and could hear if she fell—as could the neighbor on the other side. We each had to rescue her and those keys came in handy.
If her parents are respectful and don't just pop in unannounced, then I see no problem with it. When I moved, I gave my mom a spare key for emergencies. She doesn't drive, so I never thought I would actually need it until I did. Came back after a night out with friends and found my key missing, which I assume slipped out of my pocket, either in the Uber ride or at the restaurant.
The option was to break the window, pay for an emergency locksmith, or grab the spare key from my mom's. Considering the Uber ride to her place and back was just around $35, it was the cheapest option. I didn't want to wait till the morning to because I had a dog in the house, so getting in ASAP was important. Anyways it's very useful to have someone you trust hold a spare key.
You may NEVER need it, but should you do, you will be very thankful.
You are renting an apartment, if there is any emergency that requires entry into said apartment the party needing entry can get the key from the landlord. (Such as a wellness check if you haven’t responded to texts/calls for days.)
The problem with giving the in-laws are key is if your sister knows that they have a key she can easily take the key or someone else coming to your house and do whatever or brother it could be Aunt uncle yeah I wouldn't be on giving my in-laws a key you can always hide a key and if there's an emergency but other than that no no one else needs a key if that's the case go ahead and give everyone in your neighborhood a key s*** I'll take one can I have one
Did they co sign or help you get the apartment in any way including financially? If yes, it makes sense for them to have a key as they are partially liable and went out of their way to help you guys out, if the answer is no, unless either one of you has a history of any type of medical condition which would require them swift access to the unit… I don’t think it really makes sense at all. I don’t really know what kind of people they are but I can just see you in the kitchen half naked (or completely naked) whipping up some food and her mom or dad comes barging in because she got upset with them and didn’t respond to them in a couple days and didn’t bring it up with you for whatever reasons. Maybe I’m just an over thinker but if it was me, I wouldn’t do it. Like you said, in the event of emergency you have each other. If it were a house it always makes sense for someone you trust to have an extra key but in an apartment building you literally have a whole building staff for exactly that reason. I don’t think you’re over reacting at all.
Who are all these parents barging into homes while they're having sex?
My spare key has NEVER been used to open my door when I was home. If it had been, the person who had done so would have left without it.
The purpose of the spare key is not so that someone doesn't have to knock, it's 1) so someone can enter your home at your request to perform a task that you are unable to perform due to absence/unavailability or 2) to help you enter your home.when you've lost your key or 3) to enter your home in an emergency situation- when you are suddenly unavailable without notice and need access to your things or for your things to be cared for.
Someone should have a spare key to your home, it's just common sense. Parents are a good choice if they are good parents - respectful of boundaries and willing to help. But, if they have a history of not respecting boundaries or acting like martyrs every time they do you a favor, then maybe they're not the best choice.
It’s your apartment too. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide who gets a key. They don’t need one in case of emergencies. If it’s an emergency paramedics and firefighters can knock down the door. You’re underreacting. If she doesn’t listen to your concerns, I’d start considering ending the relationship. From your post you kinda sound like a pushover and too soft spoken. Tell her no. If she gives out a key report it to the complex because she’s not supposed to copy their keys.
Giving a key to someone that you trust is very normal. You never know what might happen, such is the nature of emergencies. If they start letting themselves in without being invited or otherwise invading your privacy then take the key away.
I would say 10000000000000% absolutely not no *personally* but that’s just due to my take on my home being my own and my high priority on security and privacy.
I’ll also say the parents absolutely do not need a key for emergencies. There is absolutely no realistic reason that they simply *must* have a key.
But this also just might not be a hill worth dying on and there is probably some sort of workable comrpromise here.
I think you are not overreacting because it is reasonable to be uncomfortable with non-residents of a home having keys to said home regardless of their relationship to the residents.
My mom in law had a key. I would never have even considered giving my husband’s mother in law a key to my home!
You have to decide whether or not you trust the person, but it’s a good idea for someone to have a key in case of an emergency.
Tell them that someone else is getting the emergency key so there's no need and see how they react.
This is a great litmus test for how "involved" they are going to be as your relationship progresses.
You should check with the landlord (landlord usually has the spare key) 1st as giving out extra keys can get you thrown out if it is in the tenants agreement.
Erm, why would the fuck would they have a key? If you guys go missing for days then call and knock on the door and then call the police if you really disappear. I would not want my parents of partners parents or anyone else to have a key and they would never ask for that cos that would be fucking weird.
I agree with you. They don't live there. They don't need a key. There are no emergencies they would need a key for. You live in an apartment. That is what apartment managers are for
When anyone invites themselves to have a key to someone else's home, that is a firm no from me. Especially if it's family. If there is an emergency they can call the management office. If they don't hear from you for a few days? No thank you to excuses for why you think I should give you a key to my home.
Add a chain lock to the inside of the door. If they decide to just pop in when you're home, things will be really awkward when the door only opens an inch and stops with a loud thwang.
No you are not overacting. They don’t get a key to your space. People that have access like that behave differently. Time for her to tell her parents no.
Your adults. No they don’t need a key. No offense but no. And it’s an apartment, so most keys are not allowed to be duplicated. And if you were locked out you could go to the office.
Good luck, no means no.
Not overreacting. Her parents absolutely don’t need a key. She will prob give them one behind your back though
Also your compromise isn’t a compromise. It’s just doing what she wants.
Just moved into my place n my mom keeps alluding yo gettin my spare so she can see my dog while I’m working but I don’t think I wanna give the key to her I’m sure she’d be all thru my stuff
If you're renting, it is likely against your lease to copy your keys.
You can also ask your complex if it's possible to add them as an emergency contact and if they would be able to be let into the apartment in the event of emergency. If they will, it seems like a pretty reasonable compromise. They'll have emergency access, but won't be able to come in unannounced.
Soooo if you don't respond to their texts in a timely manner they just gonna walk in your home? NO thanks to that. I would also not be thrilled with this arrangement.
My brothers roommate gave his mother a key. My brother moved out two weeks later because she would just pop in for no reason throughout the week. I say do not give them a key.
On the other hand, my friend and I exchange keys every time we get something that has one. But him and I have an understanding.
Do not give them one! You'll be making it with the wife, not taking calls, and they'll enter your home. Or, during sex, you'd be wondering if they will enter. That's a bit too much!
No...they have no business having a key unless both of you are OK with it.
She is not 12, she is an adult. They clearly still think she is living with them and has to follow their rules.
She doesn't.
Giving a spare key to her parents 100% makes sense (unless they have a history of kleptomania, burglary, being republican, or other bad behavior). It's not like she's giving a spare key to her "*former* fwb but now he's just like a brother."
Find out what they consider to be an emergency. This could be okay if they’re respectful but, the fact that they demanded one tells me they’re not…
Best of luck.
My main problem with the situation is that they asked for a key.
If they were saying "btw, if you need us to hold onto a spare key in case of emergency feel free to let us know " then it would have been perfectly fine.
The "we need a key" send really bad vibes.
politely give them the number of the landlord. and put them down as an emergency contact. this is intrusive behavior by them and most apartment complexes dont allow the keys to be copied. dont allow this to happen/
You are giving a key to people who said "you NEED to give me a key" - 100% they will not just use it for emergencies. No one says that unless they feel they need control of the situation.
What is your plan if they break the "just for emergencies" rule?
What happens if they define "Daughter not responding to a txt message w/i 30 minutes" as an emergency?
If you decide to trust them w/ a key, you need to go over ground rules w/ your GF and make her 100% responsible for paying for lock changes if anyone in he family breaks boundries - i.e. she tells them they no longer have access, she arranges w/ the landlord to get the locks changed, she pays for the lock change (it won't be cheep).
This is where your gf's opinion DOES NOT matter. I am saying this as a husband in general. If you don't live under this roof, whether it'd be your parents or siblings then you sure don't need a key to my house.
This is a two yes, one no sort of thing.
Never gave my parents a key, never gave in-laws a key. Learned to lock my door when MIL walked in on me breastfeeding my newborn, the day after I got home from the hospital. Without calling first. Because, why should she? A year or two later, FIL was pissed and pounding on my door, because he wanted to just walk in and the knob wouldn’t turn!!!! How dare we lock it??!! Because I learned. Only took one time. My BFF got a key to this house. No one else. See, I trust my bff.
Exactly. "You're Trustworthy people, but I don't trust you won't walk in unannounced and we have a right to privacy in our home. So you are welcome anytime, but let us know you're coming so we can ensure we are available."
When our daughter moved out, we got her a sign that reads, "Friends are always welcome. Family by appointment only."
There were 4 of us kids. I was oldest, first sister 5 yrs younger, next sister 10 yrs younger than me, then a brother 13 yrs younger than me. As we each moved out, we all still had keys to mom and dads house. They never asked us for it. If we went to see them, we rang the doorbell or knocked then went in and said Hello? All good. Even after mom died (1998) we still kept keys. But after dad remarried in 2000, it never felt like home again. Especially when they moved. And we never got keys for the new house. I was for the marriage and for the move. I’ve lived in the first wife’s house, never liked it and was thrilled to move. 🤷♀️ Maybe this is a generational thing. Our son has a key to our house and uses it the same way I did with my parents. Bottom line is what you are comfortable with. And obviously who you trust. ♥️ Hope you work it out as a compromise ♥️
It was more of a joke than anything. Around our house, if you have a key, then come on in. You wouldn't have it if I didn't trust you. My best friend has a key, and I woke up one morning to find him sleeping on my couch. It was summer, and his AC had gone out, so he came over and crashed. It didn't bother me that I didn't hear him come in because he got past my security system 2 120+lbs German Shepherds.
Yes, my grandmother has my key my mom…..HELL NO.
Yeah they need to call before coming. A key would give them access OP does not need to have. Then the parents would move in. No privacy then.
Have an extremely abusive dad, somehow he convinced my apartment complex manager to give him the only second key to the place. Would randomly come in "just to check" on me. Well one day I lied and said I lost my key and needed the one he had, since there were only two. I never gave that key back.. *Unfortunately* though I live on the ground entrance floor and face the front, so there are no balconies on this side. And my wall is one big window from floor to ceiling, so after that he'd just come at all random times of day and bang on my window. (Thankfully that stopped after I threatened the cops on him...)
You're better move was to ask that manager how many rules they broke by giving a key to someone who has abused you in the past, without getting your permission? At which point, you could have demanded they change your door locks, immediately.
I just wish for a moment I could truly see the thought process behind your FIL getting upset over the door being locked like there aren’t billions of other people in the world
Because he was FIL! Shouldn’t everyone bow to FIL? He thought so.
Exactly this. My parents don't have a key to my home, and neither do my STB in-laws. My fiance doesn't give a key to his parents, either. We don't open the door for anyone who didn't explicitly ask our permission to stop by.
Yeah that’s ridiculous and out of line. 💀 i definitely understand doing it if you trust someone and it can absolutely be a good idea, but. If they’re like your in laws that’s just insane 💀
I give out exactly zero keys to people not living in my home.
I actually have the keys to four of my neighbors’ houses which they asked me to keep for them, but I have never given our house key to anyone else! I appreciate that they trust me and I have been able to help them out many times. I never use them without being asked.
I have a key to my sister's house and you bet I always shoot a text when I'm headed that way (even though it's already been planned). And if I plan on dropping by out of the blue for something I give a call then I knock on the door and wait for it to be opened if the call wasn't answered.
Your answer summarizes it very well: If you trust someone, giving them a key might be quite beneficial. If you do not trust someone, giving them a key might be a very bad idea.
I'm good with your BFF having a key in view of your in-laws not respecting you with the ptivacy you are entitled to as adults. As long as some third party has a key.
I gave my parents a key to my place, but that's because they're not using it inappropriately. My mum always texts me before they come around, and she'll still ring the doorbell, and only use the key if I'm not able to answer the door, and she won't come around if I haven't responded to her text or call or if I say not to. I trust my parents, and it's actually handy for certain people to have spare keys to my house, but I wouldn't give it to somebody who might do what your in-laws would - from what you've said, they would 100% just walk in the door without notice. If my parents did that, I would be like "You need to give me notice when you're coming around, and if you can't, I'll take the key from you and/or change the locks."
Only person to have a spare to my home is my bestie and I have hers ❤️❤️ my MIL is the devil 😂 and my dads to old to get up all the stairs xx u can get lockable combination locks to store a spare key in outside my wee dad has that incase me or any of my siblings need in to check on him but he’s 72 xx 💋
Totally agree. Thats a pretty big boundary to cross,
My parent in laws and aunt in laws were fucking terrible about this when we bought our first house. I almost shot one of her aunts one day as she decided to walk into the basement to find something we were temporarily storing for her without notice. I was showering when I heard a loud bang and then rustling around downstairs. I ran down ready to blast tye intruder and found it was her fucking aunt looking for her box of shit?! That was when we drew the line and told all of her family to call and knock before they show up and try entering our home without notice. I didn't think that would need to be stated, but fortunately, there have been no issues ever since.
Meaning only the couple gets to vote and both of them have to agree that the answer is yes, otherwise it’s a no. The parents have **zero** votes in this case
My husband and I lived in a small house on his mother’s farm. She had a key to our house, but never used it. However, older half sister (17years older) made a copy and used it frequently. We both traveled for work, had different schedules, and long ago,,pre cell phone and pre answering machine days, left notes for each other about where we’d be and when we’d be back. SIL would routinely take them. She’d also take things from our house and accuse me of losing it. One time I was home with the flu, sleeping in bed when my dog started growling. He only growled at one person, SIL. I got up, opened the bedroom door to find SIL giving a pour to her coworkers (local bank) saying isn’t this atrocious wallpaper? I walked out, coughed on her, took the key and told her to get out and not come back. I had the locks changed that afternoon. I’d like to say that was the end of it, but she got worse.
Well said. I think it really depends on who the key is going to and is definitely a 2 yes 1 no situation. Personally, my parents have a key because they have awesome respect for boundaries and never come over without days notice in advance. My MIL would never get a key because she struggles with boundaries to the point she lives less than an hour away from us and is trying to quite her job and relocate to be right next to us because her son (my husband) “is too far away”
Get a door lock that you control remotely. If they need in, touch give them access, then change the code
There are keypad where you can unlock the door remotely without giving them a code
Some even have temp guest codes so you don't give out the master and you can even set time periods of when that guest code can be used.
My front door has one and I use my phone to unlock it. I can check my phone and see who is at the door and either let them in or ignore them.
I’m not a fan of digitized security.
It sounds good. But after watching lock picking lawyer, I'd rather leave my door unlocked than trust one of those things. At least I won't be out an extra $200 when they easily bypass it and take my shit anyway.
Do you have a key to their house?
I mean, don’t all kids have keys to their parent’s house? I have left the house for almost 30 years and still have the keys. Same for my wife.
I do not have keys to my parents house
I do have the keys to my parents' house So I guess we've reached a stalemate
I still have my “Latchkey Kid” house key from the house i lived in 40 years ago. I have a keys for every place Ive ever lived or direct relatives have lived, even my college dorm room. I’m sure none of them work anymore with the exception of my college dorm as we figured out that they repeated about every 12-14 dorms, and could actually open random doors all over campus. (Seriously, one guy found his dorm room key opened the swimming pool and another opened the Reserved Books Room in the library)
I don't have keys to the house my parents have lived in for the last 10 years..
I don’t have keys to either of my parents’ homes. My parents both live in houses I have never lived in at this point.
I like this!
I think whether or not you're overreacting really depends on her parents. Are they busy bodies who are going to show up and let themselves in unannounced? Are they the type to let themselves in when you're not there without permission? Have they ever done something to invade your privacy? If yes, you're not overreacting. If no, you're overreacting. Since there are two of you it isn't *necessary* for a 3rd person to have a key. I live alone, so I have given my mother a spare key. If I were to go radio silent for a few days she would be able to get into my apartment. If I went to the hospital unexpectedly, she can feed my cat. I also have a general extra that I can give to someone temporarily, like if I'm going out of town or something.
It’s not a bad idea for *someone* to have a spare just in case but I’ve been on Reddit long enough to know that in most cases parents aren’t that someone because they don’t understand the concept of not dropping in.
Oh for sure. My mother respects my boundaries and it's actually incredibly convenient for her to have a key. If she dropped in unannounced and it wasn't a major emergency, that key would be promptly provided to someone else. 😂
I’m forgetful AF so 3 people have copies of our house key. I have called all of them at least once over the last 10 years with a “heyyyyy are you home…”
I’ve spend enough time in real life to know that isn’t the case for most parents. Like, I’ve never heard of someone’s parents forcing themselves in unannounced before Reddit. Not one person I know has ever had that experience. I think it’s just a classic case of “you don’t talk about what’s normal”, people with weird parents are vocal online while the rest of us simply don’t have anything to say on that topic
I gave my grandma the key because she respects boundaries, my mom doesn’t.
To stop anyone who has a key from just walking in, have a chain latch on the door too! :)
This is absolutely the crux of it OP - what’s the relationship like? My brother has a spare key to my place, which I share with my SO. My dad does not. I feel having a spare out there with someone totally trustworthy is a good idea, but if they’re not totally trustworthy it can become a bad idea pretty quickly.
A couple decades ago, my wife and I were traveling abroad. Someone broke into our hotel room by climbing along the balcony and breaking the door. They stole mine and my wife’s passport along with some clothes and electronics. Luckily they missed the cash sitting on the nightstand in a book. Went to the consulate, they said if I could get a copy of the passport it would expedite things. Called my parents. Told them where the photocopies of our passports were. They used the emergency key to get them, and then faxed them to us. Having someone you trust keep a spare key for emergencies is a good idea.
But you can always give someone a key when you are away to feed A pet, water plants and such
Ahh yes, who could forget about dear old Amit? ;)
Ah yes, everyone’s favourite pet Amit
yeah poor Amit, the little one needs some love while you’re away
If someone needs a helping hand with Amit, I amit.
I keep scanned copies of my passport, visas, driver’s license, vaccination records, etc., on my phone. I actually needed them once when my bag was stolen in Europe. The police couldn’t believe I was so organized. I even had the receipt for my stolen bag in there. No need to send someone to my house for records. Spouse & I each have a key, we are each other’s backup. The petsitter gets a car remote when we travel. If necessary, we can give one to our next-door neighbor. (We have often held our neighbor’s remotes in the past). I agree with whoever said above, this is a 2 yeses situation. My FIL would have absolutely abused having a key to our house. I actually caught him snooping in my dresser once when we were home! I had my sister’s house key while she was on her honeymoon. The day of their return, my friends and I filled their house with wildflowers, put a nice meal & wine in the fridge, and set the table with their best china. They were thrilled, happiness all around, but I wouldn’t do that today. Looking back I realize it was intrusive and could easily have backfired.
Had my wallet stolen last year. Both officers I talked to at the police station made a point of expressing how great it was I had a photo of my license on my phone. It’s one of those things that takes 30 seconds to do, and you may never need, but it makes a world of difference if you ever do.
Trust is the key word, I wouldn’t trust my parents with anything. I tried they fucked me over everytime.
If they’re trustworthy then yeah. But otherwise it’s not wise.
This is a 2 yes and 1 no situation. I can see having the parents hold a key. My parents have had a key for our house for years, but my partner needed to be 100% comfortable with that and my mother actually took them to 1 side to make sure.
Maybe I’m dumb but what is a 2 yes 1 no situation?
It means it is two peoples decision, and either has full power to say no. “Hey I’m giving my mom a key to my house, and yours” “No, that’s not ok with me”
Ah gotcha. That’s what I inferred but I guess I’ve never heard it phrased like that before
A matter that two yeses are required from the couple for the overall answer to be a yes. Any single individual in the couple has veto power over the decision, so one no means no.
Yeah this is the important thing, it has to be someone you trust. I gave my mom my second key when I bought my first apartment, but only because I knew that she wouldn’t abuse it and come over unannounced. But if they’re the type of parents to come over unannounced _and let themselves in_, then they can fuck right off
YNO. Both of you are on the lease so it's not a unilateral decision one of you gets to make without the other. A great model for making those types of decisions that affect both of you is two unequivocal yeses or a no. So either you both agree her parents can have a spare key or it doesn't happen. Spare keys can be great in case of emergency but they can also be misused. There are two of you in the apartment, there are differences between how your family handles things versus how her family handles things. Until you can identify all those differences and know how you feel about them it's best for you *both* to stay neutral. I'm lucky to come from a family where I'd trust my parents with a spare key. I've never had them demand one upon my moving into a new place, they've never asked at all. Me personally, I don't like the way her parents demanded a key and the timing and context. I would not agree to give them one for that alone. If you've moved into an apartment complex in the US it's likely the complex has a "lock out" procedure. That is you should be able to call a maintenance man to use the complex's copy of your key to let you in. Some places charge a fee for that if it's after hours. I had to use it at my latest place when the lock actually broke and wouldn't accept my key. It feels like between her set of keys, your set of keys and the property mgt's set of keys - you are completely covered. Last, but not at all least, check your lease - it may be that you aren't allowed to copy the key or distribute any further keys.
Yes, the fact that they said "well now we need a key" as if it was just an expectation would give me pause as well.
Not overreacting. This is a decision you both need to be in agreement on. Now look, as I've gotten older, I've totally seen the value in giving a spare key to SOMEONE. But it should be someone you both agree to. And I can see why her parents may not be your choice. The parents don't get to just decide they get a key. Nor does your GF get to just decide to give them one.
If it's for emotional, I don't think it's a problem, but at what point does emergency turn into just coming in whenever you want. My ex and I had an apartment together, I had no idea she had given a key to her mother. I got off work early, sat down on the couch, and decided I needed some me time. Mom walked in while I was mid stroke. Apparently she came over to feed the cats, which I had already done. After she left I finished myself off, washed up, and started dinner. The wife thought it was hilarious. I said at least let me know she has a key.
Why did she even come over to feed the cats? That's something people only do when others are away on a vacation or something, right?
What is you plan in the event of emergency? My neighbour has one, my dad has one, my sister has one, my friend has one. And yes, they all have been called on.
I locked myself out last week. I’m unemployed. I can’t afford a locksmith. My neighbor had my keys. It’s totally normal for friends or family to have keys. I would give my dad my key. I would NOT give my mom my key. One would abuse it, the other would not. It’s only a concern to give it if they can’t respect your need for privacy. At 21? This is a pretty normal ask. I’d let them have it on the condition they don’t just pop in, but only use it when needed.
This is the crux of the decision If they can respect boundaries and only use it in case of a reasonable worry of emergency then sure, good to have a spare out there. If they come over because you haven’t responded to texts in 2 days and get all extra about it then no. Set some *very* clear guidelines around it and let them know exactly what youre worried about (“I trust you guys, I just worry you will use it to come over and in when its not necessary. I also worry that Ill feel uncomfortable everytime someone knocks on the door and Im having me time, that you’ll come in the “make sure everything’s ok”. I like to know that my privacy wont be invaded. Just because we dont answer the door, doesnt mean theres an emergency, you know what I mean?”
Trusted neighbors don’t pop in because they don’t feel like they have a right to be in the place. Parents on the other hand… Well a lot of the stories in the comments speak for themselves
Which one of those asked for a key? I have given a key only to my sister because I trust her not to abuse access to my home. She never asked for it.
They are renting an apartment, the landlord has a copy of the keys for emergencies.
And you trust or expect your landlord to be reachable at 3AM or whatever time of day you may need it?
Most apartment keys (in my experience) are not allowed to have duplicates made and some even have that etched into the key itself to stop people from doing exactly that and handling out copies. They should check with the landlord to see if it's allowed.
I had to make a copy since I live alone and went on vacation for a week. Someone had to check on my animals. Landlords are supposed to change the locks after someone moves out. Shouldn’t matter if you make copies to give out
Yes, every apartment building I have lived has had secure keys that day DO NOT DUPLICATE.
Keep one in your car. Keep one in a hide-a-key somewhere on the block. Anybody who just expects to get a copy of your house key that doesn’t live there is a walking red flag and will abuse that power until you change the locks. Not everybody has trustworthy or respectful family.
Call the landlord
Valid point. As I said, I understand giving the key to someone. But it should definitely be a decision that both of them come to.
So did the parents give him a key to their house as well?
What emergencies are solved by a parent having a key?
My cat sitter threw her copy of the key in my garbage chute while I was out of country for a week, my parents were able to get in and feed the cat until I got back. And hasn't happened to me but if OP or his gf are away and the other loses a key / locks themselves out, having another copy stored elsewhere could come in handy.
1. Losing your key 2. You're on vacation and you think you forgot to turn off your stove/sink 3. Any variation of these two, which happen all the time
They both get into a car accident, both are in the hospital, and something needs to be addressed in the apartment. A pet needs to be fed, or an item needs to be grabbed. Paperwork or something. There you go. Took 8 seconds to come up with a plausible scenario.
Are we assuming that both of their keys are destroyed in the car crash?
Idk how many catastrophic accidents you've been in but the medics and cops are super concerned with looking for your belonging amongst the wreckage and and you would be in the hospital.
It’s definitely very plausible they could get lost there, remain in a car that’s been hauled off, lost in the medical scramble, so on and so forth. The people lose their keys everyday just not quite putting them all the way in their pocket before walking off, let alone a catastrophe. The sort of stuff that just adds stress and problems to solve instead of just going to grab some stuff. If people are decent and reasonable it should be a non issue in my opinion, it’s like a spare key that’s in a more convenient place than a lock box at the bank. But still definitely a two yes’s required situation. I’ve had peoples keys, neighbors have had my keys at two older rentals because they seemed like decent mature people. Hell years ago I noticed smoke coming out of an attic, no one answered, ran to another neighbor while my friend called 911 to be careful. Neighbor had their spare key, was able to get in immediately and check for them asleep/passed out and actually put out the fire that was burning from an electrical fault before it got out of hand. They got pretty damn lucky there it didn’t spread faster.
I'd certainly be more receptive to giving a trusted neighbor a key over parents, but that's because there is a legitimate convenience there. Also, I'm willing to admit that my opinions on this matter are biased due to my own lack of trust towards parents.
That’s fair, opposite for me. Worst my parents would do would be show up unexpected. Literally had a next door neighbor I thought was great and trusted attempt to break in to steal shit, turns out they were a druggy. So it’s definitely down to personal experience / relationships.
We locked the door behind us and forgot our keys inside the apartment. This has happened to me 3 times in my house that I own. I've given out a number of keys to trusted friends and family members. You never know when you'll need one. Otherwise you may be paying a locksmith to open your door, or paying to fix the window you had to break.
I have gotten along for many years with no one having a key to our house. I have however added an electronic deadbolt. This deadbolt is wifi enabled and I can allow or not allow someone access as I please, from anywhere. Should an emergency happen as described in OPs post, my family friends would have no issue breaking down the door if they really thought myself or my wife were in danger. No one needs a key to your house but you.
If you do them make it clear that a single infraction is immediate return of key
So I’ll admit my perspective on this is going to be biased based on my personal circumstances. But I do think it’s worth considering. I have epilepsy, and it’s mostly controlled. But if no one can get ahold of me and my husband’s at work or out of town, he can call our neighbor to come check on me instead of potentially sending an EMS team when I just forgot my phone in the other room. She can get in and yell my name out, and then walk through to the back of the house peeking around for me. If I’m not there, no harm caused, she walks right back out and locks the door. For us, it’s our neighbor because both my parents are dead and his live a few towns over. But if even his mom lived nearby, I’d want her to have a key in case of emergencies. Now, I say this is worth considering because my epilepsy started out of the blue in my 30s with no discernible cause. It could happen to anyone, any time. I’m personally more comfortable having a trusted person having a key to our house than I would be if no one did, and I’ve actually felt that way since long before I had any seizure.
I also think it's a good idea you use a key safe like realtors use that in an emergency, your husband can give EMS the code to the lockbox and they can get in! I also think OP should do the same. You lose your keys, your dog needs to be fed, you have a medical emergency all of this. When you need Mom and Dad to get in it's there, and once they use it, change the code. Or a rock key holder. All these are low tech, but effective!!
I can definitely see how that’s the ideal solution for a lot of people.
We use the rock method! Along with that, we have copies of our keys to everyone we know!! I'm not worried that people won't respect my boundaries. We're moving closer to my mom because she's getting older, but I would think twice before hanging her keys unless I put the fear of God into her, so I get parents are a different animal!! 🐻 🐨
I've had my own place for 17 years and in that time my dad and stepmum have always had a spare key along with another family member but only for if I loose mine, need them to feed pets when I'm away or to be at mine for delivery/repair. They have never used it for anything else, still buzz or chap when at mine. But if you are uncomfortable lay out your reasons to your gf and if you agree to her plan then lay out rules.
This should be the top comment.
As a mom, I absolutely would want a key. As a SO, hard no. If she wants to let them track her phone, so be it. And you can give them the number to the apartment manager in case of emergency. Edit to add: you do need a backup plan, so it’s good for someone to have a spare in case you get locked out. But you need to be 100% confident they’ll never use it unless there’s a true emergency.
Most apartment complexes / mgt have strict rules about copying keys for security reasons, so perhaps refer to them about a spare for 'emergencies'. You may want to provide your GF's parents with the superintendent's number in those situations. It's still invasive to demand that type of access to your shared private space. On a sidenote: A friend was also in a situation where she gave her parents a spare key to care for her plants and cat while travelling, which was to be relinquished once she returned. Well, her mother copied the spare and entered her apartment when she was in a compromising position with a date. That was also the day her mother found out she was gay, and definitely not how she wanted to come out. Their relationship is still strained to this day.
Parents don't need their own key, and it's kind of inviting trouble. Having a spare key is a good idea, and depending on the location and logistics, maybe you can have a key lockbox with a code that you can give to the parents for emergencies or something like that. Seems overkill for them to have their own set.
No, you're not overreacting. Her parents want to nose through your lives. They're having trouble letting go and apparently they don't trust you with their daughter. But ultimately you're both way over adult and they need to mind their business. Honestly this sort of shit would be a deal-breaker for me and if my girl refused to see that they don't need a key I would just be done with. You're 21 years old. You don't need your parents that much involved in your life. If you want them that involved in your life then you should be living with them not moving out on your own.
I think having someone that has a key for emergencies is a good idea. BUT...I would be uncomfortable giving that key to GF's parents. One, the expectation that they are entitled to one rubs me the wrong way and, two, them needing to get ahold of you is not an emergency. Certainly not a 'come walking into my home univited' emergency. This combo really would make me nervous that they will not respect your privacy. Ideally, the emergency keys go to someone that is close at hand like a neighbor and utterly unlikely to ever use it for themselves.
these are my thoughts exactly. not answering texts isn’t an emergency & it paints the parents are overbearing.
100% agreed. I had the same feeling based on the way the thought came to them naturally and my own prior experience. OP, how close do said parents live? Because I bet it you give them a key, they are NOT going to limit their use to what YOU think is an emergency.
I give extra keys to the people I’m close to. I have 3 extra keys out right now. I may need someone to come by while I’m out of town for something, they may come over to my house and get there before me, I might have an emergency that they need access to my house. What that key is not for is coming over uninvited or unannounced or just to check up on us.
You’re not overreacting, especially since the trust isn’t there. Go with your gut feeling. Fourteen years ago, when my wife and I got our first place, she gave her mother a key without my approval. Anyway, three years went by, and we went on vacation. We were supposed to be gone for 14 days but came back on day 9. To our surprise, my mother-in-law was throwing a party in our backyard with people I had never seen before. I was so infuriated. It made me question how many times she had entered our place unattended.
Wow that’s terrible of her I’d be so pissed at both her and your wife honestly! What happened if you don’t mind me asking?
We were supposed to spend two weeks in Guatemala with my wife’s friend from college, who had just purchased a ranch. After spending some time at the ranch, we decided to go into town, where I ended up drinking water from a stream that was supposedly “safe” for drinking. I got extremely sick. Feeling as sick as I did, and in that heat, I just wanted to die. We cut the trip short due to my illness. Luckily, all we paid for were our flights, since we were staying at the ranch, so no big losses. Funny enough, I’ve never fully recovered from that bacterial infection—it left me with digestive issues, and I haven’t been the same since.
I don't know why people are assuming the parents will just drop by unannounced. My dad has always had a key to my place and has never used it. I think it's pretty normal to give a spare key to someone - a family member, a friend, etc. It should be someone you both trust. If you know your GF well enough to live with her you should also know and trust some of the same people. What happens if you are both out of town and someone needs to get into the apartment? If she is locked out while you are at work? There are a lot of reasons why it's good for someone to have a key.
I agree that someone should have a key. But I think it should be a conversation between them who that is. I love my mom, she doesn't have a key to my place. Not because of a lack of trust, but because of distance. Whereas I have 2 friends who live within 10 min, and they have one. But, if I lived with a girlfriend, I wouldn't just assume "my friends" are the ones who get it, it would need to be a conversation on who both of us are comfortable with
It should always be a conversation, for sure.
For me, that is why I don't think its an overreaction, because it seems to be because her parents decided that they need one, she unilaterally decided they'd have one.
Because one of the reasons that OPs GF gave was the parents could come check on them if they hadn't replied to texts in a couple days.
Oh, you would be surprised at the number of people who make the argument "it's okay for me to be here. I have the key" when it is not, in fact, at all okay for them to be there. If you're out of town, no-one needs to be in your apartment. If there is a true emergency with the property, the landlord will be able to get in and attend to the need. Landlord can also handle lock-outs. It does not follow that if you trust your partner you must automatically also trust all her friends and relatives. Himself is the most upstanding person I know, but some of his people are skeevy as hell and I wouldn't open the door if they knocked, much less give them a key to let themselves in. (And truth be told, my family isn't much better.)
You can’t assume they won’t drop by unannounced either though. All those problems can also be solved by a hidden key. So on one hand, you go for the assumption that they won’t invade your privacy, or you go for the option that solves all the problems without giving them the option of invading. That’s how I view it given the limited context
Comments like these don’t help. Just cause your dad didn’t don’t assume hers won’t. Never given anyone a key to my place, never had a problem. Would never assume this would work for everyone.
>I don't know why people are assuming the parents will just drop by unannounced. Apparently, everyone on Reddit (except me) has just awful relatives. (Or maybe nobody finds it interesting to post about the times their relatives acted rationally.)
I always felt like I didn't have the greatest parents growing up. Then I found this comment section and am thanking my lucky stars I didn't have parents like ya'll. An emergency key is just that. To be used in EMERGENCIES. Who tf's parents are just barging in on them all the time and why do they think that's ok?! If either one of my parents barged in while I was banging my man, I'm pretty sure they'd both either die of embarrassment or run away while apologizing profusely.
I don't know if it counts as barged in on - buddy of mine was home sick and midday awoke and left the bedroom to discover his at-the-time GF's parents had used their "emergency" key - they knew she was at work, they thought he was too, and the "emergency" was they wanted to sit on his couch, watch a movie on his big TV, and eat his food.
Omg! LOL. OK I'm starting to realize that a lot of folks have some seriously strange parents. My dad worked around the corner from my apartment and would treat my kitchen as a cafeteria, but he had my permission and I liked that my dogs got a bit of attention while I was away. I couldn't imagine either one of my parents behaving the way you mentioned.
Yeah, I'm aware of how lucky I am in that both my parents are not at all like this, because so many of the people I know have at least one wackadoo parental unit. (Neither of my folks have a key to my place because they live a several hour / several day drive away and there'd be no point; I do have a key to my mom's place, not for "emergencies" but simply so I can let myself in if she happens to be out at the shop or something when I arrive for a visit)
Been there. My MIL considers snooping an emergency. Putting food she didn't want in our fridge? Emergency. Once she walked into the house AND into our bedroom while we were home. Also, my parents were keeping our kids when we were at work, and would bring them to the house to get their own belongings. My parents generally didn't even come inside with them inlets they asked for help. They never showed up at random uninvited times, never snooped, never brought things over even if we had agreed on it, because they would do so when we were home. If you know these people, you can guess what you are in for.
Emergency keys aren’t a bad idea. But if you’re worried, but some boundaries in place. Make sure they understand entirely that having a key is not an open invite to come over whenever they want and they are absolutely not to enter the premises without a previous agreement or emergency— and you can stipulate than an emergency for example would be there was a fire or earthquake while you were away, or you and your gf have been killed and left inside your appt and people are looking for your bodies. You know.
I think there are arguments for and against, but before you start hashing them out, read your lease. Many rental agreements prohibit anyone but the registered tenants from having the keys to a property. And then talk through what in-case-of-emergency would look like. If the parents want a key in case they haven't heard from their daughter in a couple days, then does that mean if you're really busy at work and don't get back to them as soon as they'd like they'll let themselves in at 0600 on a Sunday morning? Does that mean they will come in even when you're not home and look around to see if anything's wrong? If you give them a key but set up guidelines about how and when they may use it, do you trust they will respect those boundaries? If you want them to temporarily have a key, like to water the plants and feed the cat when you're away on vacation, do you trust that they won't duplicate it before returning it? And if so, are both of you okay with the possibilities of any and all of those things occurring? This is one of those one-no-beats-any-number-of-yeses things. When it comes to privacy and personal space, people have the absolute right to control access to their person and their residences.
I think it's important for a young couple to set their own boundaries.
The answer here is totally subjective. Are they tee-totalers who don't think you should be living in sin together? Are they boundary-stompers who are going to let themselves in to 'clean up' for you? Or are they good, honest people who just want a spare for emergencies, and you don't think they will abuse it? A lot of whether you are overreacting depends on the answers to the above questions.
I think you should invest in a smart lock, like August. It’s only like 150$. You can send virtual keys out, and you can remove them just as easily. You can limit times of access to her parents. You can grant them access remotely via a wi fi bridge. It’s also great for granting access to housekeepers, maintenance, etc.
I don’t think you’re overreacting no, but at this point you have to ask yourself is this really the hill you wanna die on? If her parents generally respect her boundaries then yeah just give it to them. It’s a good idea for someone to have a spare anyways, so if they are relatively reasonable people and it’ll make her happy just do that.
I disagree, because if SHE makes this a bigger argument then it needs to be, it shows her lack of respect for his opinion on THEIR home. He said he isn't comfortable with it. That should be enough for her. Now, she is totally valid to say "well, I do think someone should have a key, so if not my parents, then who". But it sounds like she doesn't care about his opinion on this.
And, if they violate boundaries, have the locks changed.
I have read too many Reddit stories about entitled in-laws and parents just walking in whenever they want. One story, the couple was gone on vacation and they came back to find that one of the parents had moved in a sibling to their house. Parents do not need a fucking key. Have a neighbor that you trust have an Emergency key. I guess the only exception is if the parent is one that you know will never ever ever come in your house without asking.
NOT OVERREACTING. If they need a key ONLY while helping you move because you guys aren’t home a lot of the times and they literally can’t help without getting in, that makes sense, but ONLY THAT. But y’alls (yours and hers) parents DO NOT NEED A KEY TO YOUR APARTMENT.
Do not let them have a key, especially because of what they said about the texts. My ex made the mistake of giving his mom an apartment key and she was over all the time. She would open our door without even knocking. There were a couple of times that he almost shot her on accident thinking she was an intruder. Anyway, she did not follow the rules as to what the key was for. I'm not necessarily saying her parents are going to do the same thing but given what they said, I would not do this.
what's your plan in an emergency then? there's nothing wrong with people you trust having a key, you never know what could happen in the future. I say make a copy for them and if it ends up being an issue, like they're coming over uninvited or when you two aren't home and invading your privacy, then you can change the locks, no problem.
Then why didn’t the parents give him a key to their house?
My fiancée has a key. If we both get in an accident and both of our keys go missing and the cat is starving then I'd just pay for a locksmith. I don't get all of the commotion about not handing out emergency keys. I've never had an issue with access to my house in my life and if I did have some freak emergency then I would pay a locksmith to get in.
I dont really think its a big deal either way, that's why I suggested just trying it out and seeing if it turns into an issue of them invading their privacy. community is always nice to have though! I'm glad you have never been locked out! it fucking sucks lol. I locked myself out while my wife was at work one night and luckily her grandma had a spare and could drive right over and get me back into the house. I've also had to pay a locksmith before and it's not cheap! having a free option is awesome!
What sort of emergency do you imagine that would require the girlfriend's parents to have a key? What happenstance or accident or natural disaster would be resolvable only by her parents being able to unlock and enter their apartment? Are her parents cops, firefighters, or paramedics? Do they fly a med-evac chopper?
I said this in another comment, but I locked myself out once while my wife was at work and her grandma was able to come over and get me back in the house bc she had a spare. not having to pay a locksmith is also a big plus. it's not a big deal whether they give the parents or anyone for that matter a spare, just helpful when you need it.
I wouldn't really consider that an emergency, but rather a convenience - presumably you could have gone and collected your wife's key, or waited for her to get home from work. And I get saving money is nice, but spending money isn't an emergency either. I absolutely agree that a spare key being in the possession of someone trusted by all residents of the domicile in question can be very convenient.
Hell no. Parents done need a spare key. End of story. Imagine you two doing it on the couch, un oh now her moms looks because she just walked in due to her spare key thats for "emergencies" or whatever excuse it is. If you get a house they gonna have an open key to it too? Better put an end to it now. No one, NO ONE should have access to your home without realistic reason aka THEY LIVE THERE. If her daughter was alone whatever, she can do whatever but since its both of you. She doesnt need someone in case of emergencies, thats your job.
What makes you or OP think this "emergency key" will be used to just barge in?! Both of my parents have a key to my apartment and neither have ever showed up unannounced. Unless there is some history of her parents no respecting he privacy, this shouldn't even be an issue.
Well because the post literally says the parents defined an emergency as them not replying to texts for a couple days, which is a totally normal thing to happen occasionally. If every time I didn't reply to my parents for a couple days they could just barge in unannounced that would be crazy
What relationship do you have with your parents lol this is an unhinged take
Lol if her mother barges in while they are fucking at least you know that's a mistake she won't make twice.
What makes you think that the parents are going to show up unexpectedly on a regular basis? My sister has had a key to my house for years and she has never come over unannounced. Not one single time.
"Hell no. Parents done need a spare key. End of story." You can't make a blanket statement like that. Some parent's shouldn't have a key but others should. It's all about what kind of people they are their relationship with their kid. There is NO one size fits all when it comes to people and things like this. It works for many and it doesn't work for others. This is a case-by-case thing.
Nope. Don't let that happen. Just give them the wrong key. Pull the ol' switcharoo...and retain plausible deniability. There is no reason for her parents to have a key to YOUR house. Your GF does not get to make this decision alone.
You would be happy they have a key when you get locked out. It's very simple. It's an extra key.
Someone should have a key just in case. Lots of people give keys to more than 1 “back up” person. You may not want it to be her in-laws, but is there any reason to think they’d abuse the privilege? I had a drunk for a neighbor and could hear if she fell—as could the neighbor on the other side. We each had to rescue her and those keys came in handy.
If her parents are respectful and don't just pop in unannounced, then I see no problem with it. When I moved, I gave my mom a spare key for emergencies. She doesn't drive, so I never thought I would actually need it until I did. Came back after a night out with friends and found my key missing, which I assume slipped out of my pocket, either in the Uber ride or at the restaurant. The option was to break the window, pay for an emergency locksmith, or grab the spare key from my mom's. Considering the Uber ride to her place and back was just around $35, it was the cheapest option. I didn't want to wait till the morning to because I had a dog in the house, so getting in ASAP was important. Anyways it's very useful to have someone you trust hold a spare key. You may NEVER need it, but should you do, you will be very thankful.
In Greece it is perfectly fine to have someone trust worthy hold a copy of your keys in case of an emergency.
I think you’re uncomfortable for a reason.
You are renting an apartment, if there is any emergency that requires entry into said apartment the party needing entry can get the key from the landlord. (Such as a wellness check if you haven’t responded to texts/calls for days.)
Actually if you’re renting many places do not want you making any extra keys.
The problem with giving the in-laws are key is if your sister knows that they have a key she can easily take the key or someone else coming to your house and do whatever or brother it could be Aunt uncle yeah I wouldn't be on giving my in-laws a key you can always hide a key and if there's an emergency but other than that no no one else needs a key if that's the case go ahead and give everyone in your neighborhood a key s*** I'll take one can I have one
Did they co sign or help you get the apartment in any way including financially? If yes, it makes sense for them to have a key as they are partially liable and went out of their way to help you guys out, if the answer is no, unless either one of you has a history of any type of medical condition which would require them swift access to the unit… I don’t think it really makes sense at all. I don’t really know what kind of people they are but I can just see you in the kitchen half naked (or completely naked) whipping up some food and her mom or dad comes barging in because she got upset with them and didn’t respond to them in a couple days and didn’t bring it up with you for whatever reasons. Maybe I’m just an over thinker but if it was me, I wouldn’t do it. Like you said, in the event of emergency you have each other. If it were a house it always makes sense for someone you trust to have an extra key but in an apartment building you literally have a whole building staff for exactly that reason. I don’t think you’re over reacting at all.
Who are all these parents barging into homes while they're having sex? My spare key has NEVER been used to open my door when I was home. If it had been, the person who had done so would have left without it. The purpose of the spare key is not so that someone doesn't have to knock, it's 1) so someone can enter your home at your request to perform a task that you are unable to perform due to absence/unavailability or 2) to help you enter your home.when you've lost your key or 3) to enter your home in an emergency situation- when you are suddenly unavailable without notice and need access to your things or for your things to be cared for. Someone should have a spare key to your home, it's just common sense. Parents are a good choice if they are good parents - respectful of boundaries and willing to help. But, if they have a history of not respecting boundaries or acting like martyrs every time they do you a favor, then maybe they're not the best choice.
If they are trustworthy they should have a key. Especially if you lock yourself out
Not overreacting. It all depends on who is getting the key. If you think your GF's parents will abuse it, then hell no.
It’s your apartment too. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide who gets a key. They don’t need one in case of emergencies. If it’s an emergency paramedics and firefighters can knock down the door. You’re underreacting. If she doesn’t listen to your concerns, I’d start considering ending the relationship. From your post you kinda sound like a pushover and too soft spoken. Tell her no. If she gives out a key report it to the complex because she’s not supposed to copy their keys.
If you're not comfortable with them having a key? You're not. No complicated explanation needed. End of story.
Giving a key to someone that you trust is very normal. You never know what might happen, such is the nature of emergencies. If they start letting themselves in without being invited or otherwise invading your privacy then take the key away.
I would say 10000000000000% absolutely not no *personally* but that’s just due to my take on my home being my own and my high priority on security and privacy. I’ll also say the parents absolutely do not need a key for emergencies. There is absolutely no realistic reason that they simply *must* have a key. But this also just might not be a hill worth dying on and there is probably some sort of workable comrpromise here. I think you are not overreacting because it is reasonable to be uncomfortable with non-residents of a home having keys to said home regardless of their relationship to the residents.
My mom in law had a key. I would never have even considered giving my husband’s mother in law a key to my home! You have to decide whether or not you trust the person, but it’s a good idea for someone to have a key in case of an emergency.
Tell them that someone else is getting the emergency key so there's no need and see how they react. This is a great litmus test for how "involved" they are going to be as your relationship progresses.
Are they paying for the apartment? If not, keys should only be given if you and your spouse agree on it and feel comfortable.
You should check with the landlord (landlord usually has the spare key) 1st as giving out extra keys can get you thrown out if it is in the tenants agreement.
do you have a key to their house?
Erm, why would the fuck would they have a key? If you guys go missing for days then call and knock on the door and then call the police if you really disappear. I would not want my parents of partners parents or anyone else to have a key and they would never ask for that cos that would be fucking weird.
I agree with you. They don't live there. They don't need a key. There are no emergencies they would need a key for. You live in an apartment. That is what apartment managers are for
They don't need one
When anyone invites themselves to have a key to someone else's home, that is a firm no from me. Especially if it's family. If there is an emergency they can call the management office. If they don't hear from you for a few days? No thank you to excuses for why you think I should give you a key to my home.
Add a chain lock to the inside of the door. If they decide to just pop in when you're home, things will be really awkward when the door only opens an inch and stops with a loud thwang.
No you are not overacting. They don’t get a key to your space. People that have access like that behave differently. Time for her to tell her parents no.
Your adults. No they don’t need a key. No offense but no. And it’s an apartment, so most keys are not allowed to be duplicated. And if you were locked out you could go to the office. Good luck, no means no.
Not overreacting. Her parents absolutely don’t need a key. She will prob give them one behind your back though Also your compromise isn’t a compromise. It’s just doing what she wants.
Fuck that shit. I repeat fuck that shit. Run for the fucking hills. Her parents don’t trust you one bit. Absolutely fuck that shit.
Just moved into my place n my mom keeps alluding yo gettin my spare so she can see my dog while I’m working but I don’t think I wanna give the key to her I’m sure she’d be all thru my stuff
I wouldn’t give my parents a key.
If you're renting, it is likely against your lease to copy your keys. You can also ask your complex if it's possible to add them as an emergency contact and if they would be able to be let into the apartment in the event of emergency. If they will, it seems like a pretty reasonable compromise. They'll have emergency access, but won't be able to come in unannounced.
No. Not needed. Just no.
Soooo if you don't respond to their texts in a timely manner they just gonna walk in your home? NO thanks to that. I would also not be thrilled with this arrangement.
My brothers roommate gave his mother a key. My brother moved out two weeks later because she would just pop in for no reason throughout the week. I say do not give them a key. On the other hand, my friend and I exchange keys every time we get something that has one. But him and I have an understanding.
Do not give them one! You'll be making it with the wife, not taking calls, and they'll enter your home. Or, during sex, you'd be wondering if they will enter. That's a bit too much!
Y’all are GROWN why tf should they have a key ?
No...they have no business having a key unless both of you are OK with it. She is not 12, she is an adult. They clearly still think she is living with them and has to follow their rules. She doesn't.
Giving a spare key to her parents 100% makes sense (unless they have a history of kleptomania, burglary, being republican, or other bad behavior). It's not like she's giving a spare key to her "*former* fwb but now he's just like a brother."
Find out what they consider to be an emergency. This could be okay if they’re respectful but, the fact that they demanded one tells me they’re not… Best of luck.
My main problem with the situation is that they asked for a key. If they were saying "btw, if you need us to hold onto a spare key in case of emergency feel free to let us know " then it would have been perfectly fine. The "we need a key" send really bad vibes.
politely give them the number of the landlord. and put them down as an emergency contact. this is intrusive behavior by them and most apartment complexes dont allow the keys to be copied. dont allow this to happen/
You are giving a key to people who said "you NEED to give me a key" - 100% they will not just use it for emergencies. No one says that unless they feel they need control of the situation. What is your plan if they break the "just for emergencies" rule? What happens if they define "Daughter not responding to a txt message w/i 30 minutes" as an emergency? If you decide to trust them w/ a key, you need to go over ground rules w/ your GF and make her 100% responsible for paying for lock changes if anyone in he family breaks boundries - i.e. she tells them they no longer have access, she arranges w/ the landlord to get the locks changed, she pays for the lock change (it won't be cheep).
If they ain’t on the lease, they don’t get a key
You might also be violating your lease by making a copy of the key and giving it to someone not on the lease.
Get an August smart lock, attach it to the existing deadbolt and “enable” their access on-demand but no keys. Not for your parents or hers.
This is where your gf's opinion DOES NOT matter. I am saying this as a husband in general. If you don't live under this roof, whether it'd be your parents or siblings then you sure don't need a key to my house.