I think if you are ready to throw in the towel because of a birthday cake there’s a lot more issues going on than you really want to admit.
I think the cake is a tip of the iceberg.
Yeah it’s time to dump him.
Unless there's massive amounts of context we are missing here, I strongly agree. Your partner is going to make mistakes, that is life, and you NEED to be able to give the benefit of the doubt to them in those situations, otherwise you'll both accumulate damage that is going to be undigested and seep into the relationship. If this is the hill she is seriously considering ending the relationship on, then it's better for everyone to just do it, because going forward this is going to be absolutely nothing compared to what else life will throw their way.
It seems like there is a lack of effort or addition to detail on his part. When people aren't invested in things, they tend not to put forth the required effort.
Today, it's the cake.
But a repeated pattern of lack of care with each passing birthday, anniversary, holiday. It becomes clear that you just aren't that important.
That’s actually a very good point, I’d have to consider it more. We’ve had problems before obviously that were bigger than this, but I do think he does try to
My ex-husband was undiagnosed neurodivergent, (his deduction, not mine). He would often get me things I didn’t like or need and not the things I’d specifically asked for or voiced were my favorite things.
But I noticed how he was very meticulous about the things that mattered *to him*, though, making post-it notes, alarms, sending emails to himself, putting things in the calendar. He remembered the things he wanted to remember.
In the beginning he was different. He did all the cute stuff (cards, letters, buying my favorite style of jewelry w/o me having to ask). He finally admitted one day that since we were together, in his mind, those things weren’t necessary any longer. We’re divorced now.
People treat you how they feel about you. What they do now they will continue to do/not do when you’re married.
ETA: I overheard a man talking on the phone the other day and he said, “Yeah, I told him ‘that’s your girl now; you don’t have to do that stuff no more. You got her.’”🙄
this comment is the best way i’ve seen this laid out. i’m auDHD so i refuse to take scraps from another neurodivergent person when i know how to treat people i love and who love me back: you treat them as if they’re important to you. you treat them like you want to be treated.
i’m not too picky, but if i actually take the time to lay them out, then you know this is a situation where the specifics actually matter to me.
on top of that, don’t ASK me for specifics and then ignore said specifics.
neurodivergence isn’t an excuse. i get the treatment (for me, that’s meds and therapy and a variety of organizational tips) i need to better support the way i treat relationships that matter.
examples: birthdays in my phone calendar with excessive reminders, notes app filled with bits and pieces of info friends found significant, buying presents as soon as i see them/remember to and keeping them in a “gift nook” so i can just compile them into gift bags when the date arrives months later.
thank you🥹 my friends are SO good to me, and that’s why i started working harder to return that energy in the first place. i wish you luck and deep and loving friendships <3
I agree with all of this and I have these same issues with my family. I can't dump my family but I literally can't trust them to do ANYTHING unless I'm right there because they just refuse to go back and check instructions and do whatever they want or half-remember like they're not already walking around with their phone in their hand to check what needs to be done. personally I couldn't stand to date someone the same way, I would never choose to have to parent every person in my life
‘I do think he tries’ - is that enough though?? It like someone said to me once ‘never fall in love with someone’s potential’. So I’m asking if all you ever really get is ‘him trying’ is that going to be acceptable to you?? Are you going to be okay with him never getting it quite right - even with explicit instructions??
As someone with autism and adhd, this dude sounds like a dud. Genuinely. You spelled it out to him perfectly. You gave him clear instructions that were written down in his phone, which he presumably wouldn't lose. He didn't care about you enough to read that note. Flat out. If he has a similar diagnosis as me at least. It takes effort for me to remember peoples' names, their family lives, and their interests. I've learned to put that effort in so I don't act like a jackass. Really stop and think about whether or not you want to be with someone who doesn't care enough to put in the bare minimum amount of effort for you, his fiancé.
Edited to add: I think a lot of the people whining about you being unreasonable are projecting and just don't want to admit they're shitty partners who don't respect their SOs. Especially if they're saying you're being too hard on him because he's neurodivergent. They just don't want to put the work in, and are feeling threatened by you having reasonable standards. Disregard their advice.
Why did you get engaged to the guy only to dump him over a cake? And you said he is neurodivergent. He’s going to fuck up from to time.
Edit: if you have such specific wants, why not just order your own damn cake? Was this a test?
Why can't a grown man do something properly the one time he is asked? She gave him written instructions.
You redditors act like men are completely stupid.
Exactly. When it comes to anything relationship wise that requires any effort like a birthday, a proposal, etc. if the guy completely drops the ball they think it’s the woman’s fault for having any expectations, and not the guy’s fault who didn’t listen or didn’t care to put in any effort to get it right.
Really. I mean if you can’t order a cake by literally reading out loud the words given to you or idk, *show* the exact words to the cake company even, what is actually going on with you? What could possibly excuse that other than just not giving a damn?
There are a lot of people who just agree to instructions or conditions regarding social or professional commitments only to forget about these agreements hours later, and they don't do it out of spite or because they are uncaring. To them, it is not important to follow instructions. They just improvise at the last minute and hope everyone will just understand and move on without making it a big deal. Hey, we're adults. Let's forget about the stuff I promised to d, and I'll just do something else less meaningful. As I go through life, I realize more and more that some people are just brain dead when it comes to making promises they don't intend to keep. Some of these people get away with it because of their happy go lucky attitude, others not so much. As an organizer of social events, I experience this disappointment on a regular basis. It doesn't soften the blow , but it reminds me that life is just like that.
However, after reading OP's cake debacle and the fix it aftermath, I have seen an all-time low in carelessness. This man can not be thought of as marriage material because he will forget the wedding date or at least the numerous arrangements that must be made to even have a wedding. Heaven help this woman if she is depending on him moving forward.
If this is about the cake, absolutely overreacting.
If this is because he is t paying attention to details you requested, talk to him about being a better listener and what you expect.
He may have a hundred things going on that are distracting him though too. Health, immediate family, work and other things may be having an overall effect on him too.
The most important thing is to talk about how his lack of focus, listening and focus on your big birthday made you feel and he should work to correct the issues. If not, then you guys may have to breakup.
I would imagine his repose to what is suggested above would be the reason you separate or stay together.
I agree pver reacting if just abiut the cake, but I sense the deeper meaning to this. Communicate with him and that should give you your answer.
It seems like there are a lot of people assuming that the boyfriend must be worse than the OP describes. If a man posted this, I'm sure most people would say "You are breaking up with them because they didn't get you the cake you wanted? Your partner should find someone better." Why are any people giving this poster more benefit of the doubt?
Yeah, no, people would react the same way.
He ASKED for specifics, then ignored them. He's telling her what she means to him. As others have pointed out, it's not about the cake.
Cake incident aside....OP just comes off a little immature idolizing a movie about teenagers and attempting to make a huge deal about a birthday this far along in adult life.
I could see if this were her 21st birthday.....but 30th?
Also...IMO, gifts are far less meaningful when you have to tell the person exactly what to get. Don't you want something from their own heart and mind?
I’m still down three birthday cakes and feel somewhat salty about it.
1. Giving birth to our second baby.
2.&3. In the ER with my mother and I still think she did it on purpose.
Sometimes you don’t get anything if you don’t tell the husband what you want. Men aren’t mind readers- some men pay attention, but others.. it’s not in their genes to just be able to pick out a gift. Unless you want a damn vacuum or kitchen accessory.
He went to the shop tho like all he had to do was show the note and get the right cake.
He just didn't care enough, I was like him with my ex I thought I didn't have to try anymore because I had her, but u do.
If he really really cared like super inlove he would of wanted to get everything right for the day.
Having kids with him will be a nightmare.
Exactly. How do you have clear written instructions along with a video and still mess it up? Op isn’t overreacting and I’m sure this isn’t the first time they’ve had an issue like this.
How are some of the replies somehow sympathetic to this absurdity? One of the more level-headed comments used the only suitable word I can think of: exhausting.
OP, you should imagine telling this story to every person you go on a date with and ask yourself if they would hear this story and want another date. My guess is no. The make up tests are the worst idea ever. He may get it right a third you will still resent him.
If youre considering breaking up with him over a cake you really dont want to be with him. Break up and let him move on. Dont waste each others limited time.
If you micromanaged your gift, cake, and restaurant… it’s really not a gift. If you were so specific and it had to be EXACTLY as you wanted- you should have just got it yourself. It’s strange to demand stuff like that. It’s your birthday. People get a cake, a gift, and if they want to take you out to dinner they do so. They usually pick what they believe you would like because it is supposed to be a surprise.
It takes the excitement and joy of picking out something for you and seeing if he guessed right. And you’re supposed to be happy because it’s the thought that matters.
But here you are not just micromanaging it and demanding something because you aged another year.. but you literally told him he had to make it up to you and then he tried and you got mad.
Are you sure you’re 30?
I literally went into cardiac arrest from an asthma attack at 3am on my 39th birthday. My husband had to do cpr on me, felt my ribs breaking under his compressions, watched EMTs intubating me and running to the ambulance saying “she does not have a shockable rhythm! We need to leave now!!”, thennnn watched over me as I stayed on life support for a week. Not knowing if I was going to make it. He then spent the next year taking care of me so I could even see my 40th birthday this year. And you know what? The flavor of cake he got me- I don’t even remember. I ate it because it was good and he bought it with love. He got me a necklace with an elephant on it because the stuffed elephant he bought for me was what I clutched to my broken chest to keep it from moving when I coughed, sneezed, hiccuped or moved. And he made me a home cooked dinner. And it was perfect. Because we are here, alive, happy, and together.
Birthdays are to Celebrate another year of life. It’s not so you can make it a day for shallow requests.
This is the character we need to look for in partners. When we are old or vulnerable or injured, how will this person treat us?
Hoping your progress is forever forward ✨
In our culture, the person who's birthday it is, is the one responsible for the cake. So for me it's weird her partner had to take care of that, and even weirder she's mad he forgot to read a not she sent him weeks ago.
I hope you have had a full recovery and I’m glad you both were able to celebrate your 40th. You and your husband have a wonderful relationship. Hopefully, OP takes the time to read what to expect in a healthy and caring marriage.
Thank you. Honestly, we have the best marriage. We compliment each other very well. And we are inseparable. We knew it the day we met and still know it. We do not fight over petty stuff and we can be honest with each other and apologize. We even say excuse me and thank you for the little things that most people hear and assume we are a new couple lol married 5 years!
I mean… I agree with you but whenever we see women post about how disappointed they are that their boyfriend did nothing for their birthday, all of the commenters are saying how she needs to be more explicit with what she wants beforehand and that men aren’t mind readers 🤷🏼♀️ now it seems to me like when a woman DOES do so, that’s a problem too.
It’s not strange to expect your partner to listen to what you want. Imagine someone promising you to do something not once but twice and then failing both times. The small stuff matters too.
Absolutely. Poor guy. I need this, I need that. Words are wrong. The cake is wrong. Drama. Extreme disappointment. End of the world.
Can you imagine. They get a kid, and the bathrobe is incorrect colour? She will eat him (partner) alive.
A! My guess. This cake was too bad to put on Instagram.
my ex literally is not capable of giving me a gift for ANY special occasion if i don't spell it out to him. i have to literally plan my own birthday because he's 'afraid that i'm going to not like what he does to me'. i've told him REPEATEDLY that i'm fine with just a dumb pizza and movie dinner, or a 0$ leftover picnic in the park. but no. his mind and body were just locked up in this inability to CHOOSE.
so one year i gave him an exact list of things i want for my birthday. he, like op's fiance, still missed simple little things because he thought 'it's not needed'. NOT NEEDED BASED ON WHOSE DECISION???
anyways i thought, 'welp, imagine having a kid with this guy' and just dumped him the next day.
soooooo i can see if this is also the case for op, why she would leave over a 'birthday cake'
I mean, she is definitely exhausting but let’s not let the boyfriend off the hook here. She literally gave him exactly what she wanted, spelled out, and he still got it wrong. That means he either doesn’t care enough to get it right, or doesn’t think it’s a big deal what she wants.
I do think she’s way over the top too, don’t get me wrong - I’m not trying to shift blame at all. Personally I think it’s kind of obnoxious to specify exactly what you want, down to what’s actually written the cake, because who does that? But at a high level, she said “this is what I want” and he either didn’t bother to listen or didn’t care what she wanted. And he doesn’t get out blame-free for that
Is it even a gift if you are micromanaging things to that extent? Talk about taking all spontaneity out of a relationship, does he get any say at all in what gifts he gets for a person?
OP sounds like hard work. If I was him and getting dumped over a cake was a possibility, I'd prefer to know now rather than later so I could move on with my life with somebody less precious.
I went out with someone whose entire family told you what they wanted for gifts. Surprised the heck out of me. I was raised where people paid attention to you and got you something you wanted or needed. Or something which showed they had no clue (mother's Christmas gift of pleated polyester pants).
Same! I was reading through wondering why it seems to be normal to demand specific multiple things for gifts, then get mad if they're not up to expectations
Some people are useless gift givers though. So it makes sense to give ideas or links or whatever to specific items that the gifted wants.
Some people are difficult to buy for, so it's easier to have a list of stuff to choose from.
Regardless of which way round this is. This is easy mode for a relationship. Instead of having to budget and think of a thoughtful gift and the rest of it. You know exactly what you need to do.... Okay I need to make this restaurant reservation on this day. Buy this plushie and order this cake.
That's just 2 phone calls and one online order. Realistically this should take a maximum of 20 minutes.
And he couldn't even do that. And what's worse is that it was even written down so he didn't even need to remember it.
Now do you expect this boyfriend to then think up a thoughtful gift with a nice card and a personal handwritten message and then booking a restaurant reservation of his choice that he thinks she'll like?
Its not easy mode at all, its actually demeaning.
I like to get thoughtful gifts for people. Being told exactly what I have to get isn't me giving a gift, its me doing what I'm told. How can I display thoughtfulness if I'm just told what to do like a trained monkey.
I don't think its bad to say to someone, "hey I really want this for a gift," - like I've already sent stuff to my fiance saying I'd like this for Christmas or whatever but he's also gotten me other stuff that he put a lot of thought into. But the way this is worded in the post, yeah, it comes off much more than a simple "here's something I'd really like!"
You are overreacting and you sound absolutely exhausting.
I think it's good to let partners know what you want for gifts. However, they're really under no obligation to tick every checkbox on a list you make for them, especially when the request is so wildly specific (and immature). And then to continue to guilt him over it... yikes.
You say in your post he usually does well with gifts, so it's not like it's a pattern of him ignoring special events and your wants. He just didn't get a super specific cake.
If you want to break up with him, that's your choice. Probably not a bad idea to set this poor man free.
Holy crap, I would never subject a loved one to that. If I wanted something overly specific, stupid, for a relatively inconsequential reason, I would just get it for myself. I wouldn't tell someone, "I want this, this, and this, and YOU have to do all of it for me, to celebrate ME." OP has to be the center of attention for some weird ritual, like doing all those dumb things is going to fill the void at the center of her being.
Sooooo my fiance sucked at gift giving our first Christmas together. I was disappointed bc what was given wasn't something I liked. I didn't threaten to break up with him, I had a conversation with him about how it wasn't my cup of tea, and since then he's been able to gift me things he feels confident I'll like (there's been a few that have been eh, but not anything major I feel I needed to complain about since the other stuff was something I liked). All that said I think she's over reacting and should have had a conversation if in the past his gifts have been on point.
Yeah this is exhausting af, as a woman I'd expect him to break up with me if I acted like this. OP throwing a strop over a cake for someone that's usually great with gifts for someone who is neurodivergent tells me she does this for other totally menial things that just aren't 'perfect' for her. People aren't perfect, no man or woman is perfect, you OP are not perfect. Whilst it's nice to do what someone asks you btw.... it's their gift to give, not yours.
If you're going to breakup with someone over your inability to control your own emotional response to a mistake when you got everything else, why the hell would you get engaged to them?? This is exactly the type of person that gets divorced due to being too high maintenance and completely scunners this man into the ground so his self esteem is down from the constant emotional beatings of never being perfect. Would you do this to a friend if they done the same thing, or a family member? No they'd think you were batshit crazy and would literally stop talking to you if you started going in a huff at them. Why do you think it's ok to treat him like that? He was excited to tell you what filling he'd pick for you thinking it would make you happy, and a month later you break up with him because he didn't go back and read a note from a month ago. He was happy and exited and you shat on it. Like he thought and was excited to make you happy.... and you break up with him. Mental. You don't want someone you can walk all over like this btw, that's why you're actually thinking of leaving. But your personality is to do this to men trying to be nice that don't have the social skills and confidence to call you out, and immediately tell you that you are acting like a spoiled 13 year old and not a 30 year old fiance that's supposed to be a team with their partner.
Take a second to think about all the fall outs you've had over the last year, how many of them are you being upset at him not doing something exactly how you want, well enough, as much as you want etc etc. If so the problem is you. If you've barely had any arguments at all and one mistake out the blue causes this.... The problem is still you. This type of over reaction is teenage women level, not adult women level.
My girlfriend is also very specific about what she likes and I actually prefer that, she’s pretty simple but it really is helpful I can go get it exactly detailed, I already know what I’m looking for so that means for a quick in and out, especially considering the fact most girls/women can’t pick out what they want, so they let their partner decide, and then get upset when it wasn’t the thing they mostly wanted??
He’s autistic so sometimes it’s hard for him to know what to get, I thought it was being helpful but I guess a lot of people see it as high-maintenance lol
I do think asking for certain gifts is helpful. But you want a certain cake with a certain filling and a certain saying on the front in order to create a moment that's important to you. I think it would have been much smarter to just handle the cake yourself and ask him for the dinner and maybe an idea for a gift, like something related to the movie.
Because of his issues, may be easier for you to place the order and his part is to pick it up. Harder to be disappointed. If he forgets, you know where you stand.
Oh so now he's autistic which you didn't say in your original post. :) And you want to break up with him because he didn't do something right? Wow girl, yes, you are very high maintenance, and this proves it!
It’s not that he did it wrong. It’s that he seem to deliberately do it wrong because it’s not that difficult to get say raspberry filling in a cake if someone says they want raspberry filling
It's hard work to receive specifics detailing what someone wants exactly? It's not like OP asked for some elaborately decorated house party with Taylor Swift performing.
The only addition to their normal birthday plans that they do each year (specified in the post) was the cake. And exact details were given. There wasn't any room for a guessing game.
The only thing hard about the cake would be finding a place that does cake fillings and even then, I think most cake places will. OP didn't ask for a homemade cake.
Usually, if an **adult** wants something very specific, they get it for themselves and allow their loved ones to offer thoughtful or necessary gifts. OP is acting like a spoiled sixteen year old.
See the hard work is that if you’re a person who has a *specific birthday cake*, can you imagine all the specific things this person needs? The specific wedding ring, the specific car, the specific house, the specific vacation ….
Call me crazy, but I’d prefer if my partner was like me: literally any cake is fine. In fact any cake is better than fine because no cake at all is fine, because I don’t really need fucking cake for the simple act of existing yet another orbit around the sun.
This seems like an overreaction. Honestly in 5 or 10 years, you probably won’t even remember the full details of what you did for your 30th birthday. I’m not trying to minimize it or say it’s not important, but everything kind of blends together as more time passes. Also, if you are dictating every detail of how you want something that should be a gift, it’s not a gift, it’s an expectation.
I think you must 13 and the fiancé is imaginary
If not and you’re really 30
At what age do you plan on being an actual adult
Please seek some therapy and find out why at this age you’re this way…and I’m not referring to your attitude towards the cake…I’m talking about why you’d be willing to dump someone over a cake.
You never drop the ball? Never mad a mistake? Never wondered why your 30 yo spouse is acting so child like behind s cake…
Hopefully he dumps you!
Yes you’re overreacting
I’d actually be curious to know if the fiancé was just trying to add some spontaneity to the gifts. She may as well have given him a grocery list… which I guess she sort of did except that gifts aren’t groceries.
Is the cake a straw that broke the camels back? Because it sounds like it would be.
If it’s just the cake, yes. But if it’s a series of little things that you can’t quite put your finger on or even that just seem small that have culminated with you utterly disappointed about a cake, then no.
Because it’s usually never just about the cake. It was like when I dissolved into a puddle over being unable to open a can of soup. It wasn’t the soup, it was about the futility I was experiencing and the soup can was a manifestation of how utterly useless I was feeling. Also I was hungry. But it wasn’t about the can.
Wow, you're being ridiculous. You know what, order your own damn cake, if you want something done right, do it yourself. I've never in my life once requested a certain gift or a certain cake. So you turned 30 and you let a cake spoil it for you?
It's never about the fucking cake! If he treats you great all of the time but messes up a cake, you're being so childish over it, but is it really about JUST THE CAKE? You might want to do him the favor of breaking up with him if it is ONLY about the cake!
If he is autistic is something happening when he is communicating to the cake maker? Is he getting overstimulated and then blanking out and panicking? Like I do see that maybe it’s not about the cake and that he might be showing carelessness
But also— a bakery is not a usual environment he is in so he might have less practice in how to navigate it . Or if it was by phone, he might suck at processing phone calls or he might get overwhelmed trying to guess what is expected of him to say in the call and then blanking out and just ordering from like a black-out headspace
I just wonder if it’s something about autism and cake ordering . And if cake ordering gives him anxiety so then he procrastinated trying again
Source: I am Audhd and panic/become like a zombie in certain settings and go into autopilot and make stupid mistakes that I don’t realize until it’s way too late . Certain unpleasant types of tasks like this turn into huge walls that are hard to surpass sometimes
Yes, OP herself said he was autistic, so he has to be given some leeway. What is OP’s excuse? She sounds like she is gunning for Ms. Suzy Sunshine Homemaker where everything had to be just so…he should run for the hills, as she sounds like she needs more maintenance than a 1985 Jaguar.
In short, yes, you’re overreacting. It’s a cake. I understand that you wanted something special, and he tried to make up for it (it may not have been the specific cake you wanted, but it’s the thought that counts). There’ve been a few years where my husband didn’t get it exactly right, and do you know what I did? I enjoyed the day anyway because I got to spend it with my favorite person. If you were thinking of dumping him over a birthday cake, then I think you have more deeply rooted issues. It’s always good to keep in mind that not everything will always go your way, even if you give advanced notice of what you want. Sometimes it’s just Murphy’s Law.
Like others have said, I do believe that wanting to end an engagement over getting birthday cake wrong is overreacting. However, it would be concerning if you are the type to not often ask for specific things, and he couldn't seem to get this right when it only required opening his phone and reading from the screen.
What's more concerning to me are these comments coming at OP for even asking for a cake and giving details about what she wants and having expectations that she gets that thing. She was asked for a list of what she wanted and provided it. Birthdays are a thing for her, and 30 is considered a milestone. If her boyfriend considered the cake request too much, he should have communicated that. She's not a horrible person for asking for it - she even did it in the way that everyone seems to complain about on here. She told him in great detail and didn't expect him to guess.
Please dump him, for his sake. You’re a 30 year old adult complaining about a…. Birthday cake.
Pretty sure this is a shitpost. If not, please end his misery now.
I personally think you’re overreacting, although I get the impression most disagree with me. I was raised to expect little and be grateful for what I get, and it seems you were raised to expect what you ask for, to a tee. Two different people with two different outlooks, neither of us are wrong. With that being said, you’d be too much work for me as I need a partner that understands my loopy brain and doesn’t leave without talking to me because the cake was the wrong flavor. We would never be compatible and if I were your boyfriend I would have broken up with you due to entitlement. I mean no disrespect, just sharing my honest opinion because you asked.
In fairness though.... If she knows he's not good at giving gifts or whatever then she made is SO easy for him by just telling her what she wants.
If you couldn't place two phone calls and one online order. Is he really going to do all that planning without the initial prompts?
You are definitely OVERREACTING if a cake filling isn’t right! My goodness you think marriage or commitment is that superficial? Little things like this should be a slight bump in the road of life.
I think it really depends on the kind of partner you want to be with forever. That seems to me to be the issue at hand, not the cake. You wanted to be recognized on your birthday, which was a big deal to you, and you know that while you love your fiancé, that’s just maybe not something he’s able to do on his own without your encouragement and direction. Since your partner is neurodivergent and your requests come from a place of helpfulness, I don’t think you are being as overbearing as other commenters seem to think. But in a relationship, both partners are going to make mistakes, and it depends what your priorities are in a lifelong partner. My partner also needs a little bit of help — albeit not a list — when it comes to gifts because he didn’t grow up in a gift giving household and doesn’t exactly know the nuances of doing that. But he has so many other wonderful qualities that I wouldn’t doubt our relationship over a birthday cake. If you break up, do it because of what you want out of a relationship, but not because he got the filling wrong on a cake.
Counter opinion: I think you need professional help, not only for the specificity and sensitivity you have about a cake, but that you dictated your exact needs for the cake, and that you are prepared to leave your fiance over said cake. These are signs that you may have some things going on within your own personal self that need addressing, that you need to engage in a little self help, and you would be well-advised to seek out a professional to work through some of this. Did he mess up? Yes. But to leave someone over this? That feels like an extreme overreaction. Physician, heal thyself.
If you need to have a partner who spoils you once in a while, this is probably not the one. This will be an issue your entire relationship. Only you can decide if you can let this go and be happy with his occasional surprises and, if something this specific matters, are you willing to do it yourself?
Is this a joke? You had all these specific things about a birthday cake at your big girl age? 😂 honestly he’s under reacting for not dumping you. Unless this is about way more than cake, then you sound like an immature spoilt brat.
Yes, you are overreacting. This whole scenario seems pretty childish to me. The whole point of a gift is so that the people who care about you can show their appreciation, by giving you something they WANT to give, and apparently no one ever taught you that it’s the THOUGHT that counts.
If this is the worst thing your husband does to show his “inattentiveness” then you definitely need to take stock of what you have and take a better attitude of gratitude.
people are being so meannnnn omg it’s clear this isnt JUST about the cake itself, it sounds it’s more he knew this was important for you and asked for details so he could get it and get it right. then he waited a month, you had to ask if it was still happening or if he was going to make it up, and then he got literally like everything wrong. it’s obviously going to be upsetting when you made it clear this was important and laid it all out for him and it felt like he just… didn’t listen. you’re not upset just because you didn’t get to eat the perfect cake.
you don’t sound exhausting or a handful like some are saying. you sound let down. i think if this was solely about you wanting a perfect cake and he fucked it up so you ditched without a word you’d be overreacting. but i think you should communicate the deeper issues/reasons. talk to him and tell him how it made you feel, and then decide after you hear him out.
edit: maybe i’m thinking too much about my personal life cause obviously i don’t know either of yours, but getting a cake on time for your partners birthday and making sure it’s what they’d like especially when they explicitly told you everything just…… isn’t that hard. sorry
I think you're valid to be upset. You gave your boyfriend strict black and white instructions on the cake you wanted, and he didn't deliver because he didn't deem it important. And wanting to "make it up" and "fix it" when the mistake was the fix? If he genuinely wanted to "make it up to you" then it would've been correct. It sounds like he just got some generic 30 cake and is expecting you to be happy with it.
If this is the only time he's done something like this, then I could see letting him make it up again, but if he has a pattern of showing you that what you want doesn't matter to him, not overreacting at all.
My husband does the same… we are married for so many years and he annoys the fuck out of me.
I understand you, but let’s be honest. This isn’t the only problem. Ask him why he messed this up twice even though you didn’t expect much and told him what exactly you wanted.
So either he doesn’t care, he thinks he knows better or he is an idiot.
This is what I’m scared of, I also don’t want him to be unhappy if he doesn’t like me having occasional special requests that are specific and only wants to give surprise-type gifts
I would dump you over this. This is an unhealthy level of overreacting.
He is not obligated to get you something just because its on the list.
Holidays and vacations with you sound exhausting.
Yeah I think it's over reacting. I also think a lot of the commenters are over reacting. Telling someone what you want for your bday and where you'd like to go out is not exhausting. Being so specific about the cake might be a little but it's also not some hugely ridiculous red flag either. Especially since she didn't say anything about it not looking the way she wanted and only got upset that it wasn't actually the flavour she wanted which is a fairly normal thing to request for a bday, and the fact that he simply didn't get her a cake at all on her bday after she asked.
Perhaps a wee bit of an over reaction but I absolutely understand what you asked for and why and it isn't being selfish or petty which I get. It is less about the details and more about being heard and someone truly paying attention. I don't get a whiff at all of you being like this all the time. I feel the same way - I don't ask for much but when I do and it means a lot to me, it would be nice to be heard by your person with attention to detail.
Gift giving traditions and customs are specific, and there are no wrong ones. In my family, we never asked someone what they wanted for a gift. The gift giver shopped for something they thought the recipient would like and hoped for the best. Thinking about the recipient, his or her likes and needs, and being creative was more than half the fun.
In my wife’s family, they routinely ask each other what they want for Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc. if the recipient doesn’t have a specific request, they will likely get a check or a gift card. Or nothing.
I’m not complaining. I’m just saying it’s not what I’m accustomed to.
If this type of lack of consideration and lack of listening and showing care is not normal, it’s not dump worthy, though I can completely understand the disappointment and frustration. If someone asks what you want you tell them, even give them something to reference later, and they don’t pay it attention TWICE after saying they wanted to make it right I would definitely be irritated and hurt.
I feel like I’m in the minority, but I don’t think this is an overreaction. I think upon first read, it could be taken that way. First of all, as for as 30th birthday’s go, this is a normal birthday for women to make a big deal about. And I’ve heard and seen women demand “surprise parties” at expensive places, extravagant gifts, guests from out of town, etc. I don’t think a private dinner, a custom cake, and a $35 gift is that much to ask for for a milestone birthday. Those are actually really simple wishes between a married couple. Messing up the movie quote made the custom cake pointless. It’s already shitty because she didn’t get it on the day of. He ruined a milestone birthday when the stakes were very low and the wishes were very laid out. If this is an isolated incident, it would suck, but not relationship ending bad. I’d be pissed for a while, though. However, I feel like stuff like this is never isolated. That took a huge disregard for prioritizing your birthday on his part. What did you do for his 30th birthday?
When I first read to the movie reference, I was like dam OP…but as I kept reading I found it no big deal, hell if someone tell me exactly what they want ( especially that simple). No stress for me trying to figure it out and less room to be disappointed at your own bday.
But the part that got me is that line “ Welcome to level 30” reference to anime or game…that kinda shows he had his own funny idea regardless of OP’s request.
Just know that if he has a job and manages deadlines at work, he could have taken care of a simple request like this. I think it’s a red flag. Getting g married to a guy that can’t deliver is endless suffering. I was married to a guy like that for almost 30 years. I’ll never get married again.
It’s more than the cake; you shouldn’t have to beg for a thing you want for a special occasion. It seems like he just doesn’t put in the effort even if you literally spell it out for him. If you stay with him, the relationship will remain like this.
NTA. But this really isn’t about a cake. It’s about your boyfriend, not being sensitive to your needs and wants, listening to you, being thoughtful and doing something nice for you that you asked for. You really should think about that.
NTA. My partner uses the line "I messed up" to somehow deflect repeated actions that are the result of not paying attention to things that are important to me. When it happens over and over, it's not "I messed up", it's "I didn't prioritize this". My partner has other good qualities so it's not a relationship-ending thing, but it's still a fairly significant thing. Attention to detail is high when it's something important to them.
You ended a 2-year relationship over not getting a cake. No, not even over a cake, over a *cake filling*. I am not sure "overreact" is even the right word for that. Well, good luck nonetheless and I hope you and your ex find happiness whether it is together or apart.
If this is truly about the cake, you're so over-reacting. You could have just ordered your own cake if you really needed it to be incredibly specific down to the detail. I don't get why your fiance needed to order this particular cake FOR YOU.
This whole thing is cringe.
13 vs 30.....
13 = getting bent outta shape over the words on a cake and making it a BIG deal 5 weeks "after" the darn birthday
30 = If it's that big a deal, ....get your own damn cake, to your specifications....and be HAPPY with it.
(Not kidding a few years ago, my long-time GF got all bent outta shape because "How dare, I .....get my own cake" that year.
But I got my own shit because the last few years prior, she got what TF she thought "all I needed" when I wanted what TF I wanted....which was simply the sheet/square cake vs that goofy ass round one that's moreso a sponge cake 🎂 where I wanted the freaking sheet cake.....so I went and got my own shit....and she was 🔥 mad AF because "I" a grown ass man had the audacity to buy my own cake.
Relationships with humans that aren't YOU will have some disappointments ....just the way it is
She got pissy at "me" for gifting "myself" what TF "I" wanted....."whatever"
Point yeah he effed up....but honestly the "make up" thing a month later was lame to begin with....you aren't 13
If you wanna damn cake "on" your birthday...Get one
But this do-over bull shit a month later = "really"
And if he effed it up....a month later.....it's actually HILARIOUS 😂 not "break up" serious
If you can't laugh about that...at 30.....life is going to be difficult
Are you sure you're not 13 instead of 30?
You have a lot of growing up to do.
Honestly, I think this guy should break up with you. There must be a ton of other things wrong with this relationship.
I think if you are ready to throw in the towel because of a birthday cake there’s a lot more issues going on than you really want to admit. I think the cake is a tip of the iceberg. Yeah it’s time to dump him.
Exactly. Its not about the cake.
As one of my brilliant friends used to say, “It’s never about what it’s about.”
Love it.
“The issue, isn’t the issue”.
Thousand little cuts
It’s not about the Iranian yogurt.
At least it’s not about the art room!
Why not both?
I came here to say this but you beat me to it so take my upvote x
Exactly. It's about the pasta.
Best for both of you.
Totally agree. This seems like two incompatible people and this marriage would likely be a wreck.
But mostly for him.
Unless there's massive amounts of context we are missing here, I strongly agree. Your partner is going to make mistakes, that is life, and you NEED to be able to give the benefit of the doubt to them in those situations, otherwise you'll both accumulate damage that is going to be undigested and seep into the relationship. If this is the hill she is seriously considering ending the relationship on, then it's better for everyone to just do it, because going forward this is going to be absolutely nothing compared to what else life will throw their way.
Now she’s staying with him to spite us
Lmao true
It seems like there is a lack of effort or addition to detail on his part. When people aren't invested in things, they tend not to put forth the required effort. Today, it's the cake. But a repeated pattern of lack of care with each passing birthday, anniversary, holiday. It becomes clear that you just aren't that important.
Is this just a symptom of bigger issues? Does he disregard your wishes often?
That’s actually a very good point, I’d have to consider it more. We’ve had problems before obviously that were bigger than this, but I do think he does try to
My ex-husband was undiagnosed neurodivergent, (his deduction, not mine). He would often get me things I didn’t like or need and not the things I’d specifically asked for or voiced were my favorite things. But I noticed how he was very meticulous about the things that mattered *to him*, though, making post-it notes, alarms, sending emails to himself, putting things in the calendar. He remembered the things he wanted to remember. In the beginning he was different. He did all the cute stuff (cards, letters, buying my favorite style of jewelry w/o me having to ask). He finally admitted one day that since we were together, in his mind, those things weren’t necessary any longer. We’re divorced now. People treat you how they feel about you. What they do now they will continue to do/not do when you’re married. ETA: I overheard a man talking on the phone the other day and he said, “Yeah, I told him ‘that’s your girl now; you don’t have to do that stuff no more. You got her.’”🙄
this comment is the best way i’ve seen this laid out. i’m auDHD so i refuse to take scraps from another neurodivergent person when i know how to treat people i love and who love me back: you treat them as if they’re important to you. you treat them like you want to be treated. i’m not too picky, but if i actually take the time to lay them out, then you know this is a situation where the specifics actually matter to me. on top of that, don’t ASK me for specifics and then ignore said specifics. neurodivergence isn’t an excuse. i get the treatment (for me, that’s meds and therapy and a variety of organizational tips) i need to better support the way i treat relationships that matter. examples: birthdays in my phone calendar with excessive reminders, notes app filled with bits and pieces of info friends found significant, buying presents as soon as i see them/remember to and keeping them in a “gift nook” so i can just compile them into gift bags when the date arrives months later.
You sound like a bangin friend. I hope the people lucky enough to be in your life appreciate you and return the same energy. (gen)
thank you🥹 my friends are SO good to me, and that’s why i started working harder to return that energy in the first place. i wish you luck and deep and loving friendships <3
Man, you sound like you have absolute mastered your own neurodivergence and are a crazy powerful friend and wizard in doing so.
i’m not perfect, but when i care about someone, it’s like a mega-dose of adderall ☺️
I agree with all of this and I have these same issues with my family. I can't dump my family but I literally can't trust them to do ANYTHING unless I'm right there because they just refuse to go back and check instructions and do whatever they want or half-remember like they're not already walking around with their phone in their hand to check what needs to be done. personally I couldn't stand to date someone the same way, I would never choose to have to parent every person in my life
‘I do think he tries’ - is that enough though?? It like someone said to me once ‘never fall in love with someone’s potential’. So I’m asking if all you ever really get is ‘him trying’ is that going to be acceptable to you?? Are you going to be okay with him never getting it quite right - even with explicit instructions??
As someone with autism and adhd, this dude sounds like a dud. Genuinely. You spelled it out to him perfectly. You gave him clear instructions that were written down in his phone, which he presumably wouldn't lose. He didn't care about you enough to read that note. Flat out. If he has a similar diagnosis as me at least. It takes effort for me to remember peoples' names, their family lives, and their interests. I've learned to put that effort in so I don't act like a jackass. Really stop and think about whether or not you want to be with someone who doesn't care enough to put in the bare minimum amount of effort for you, his fiancé. Edited to add: I think a lot of the people whining about you being unreasonable are projecting and just don't want to admit they're shitty partners who don't respect their SOs. Especially if they're saying you're being too hard on him because he's neurodivergent. They just don't want to put the work in, and are feeling threatened by you having reasonable standards. Disregard their advice.
Why did you get engaged to the guy only to dump him over a cake? And you said he is neurodivergent. He’s going to fuck up from to time. Edit: if you have such specific wants, why not just order your own damn cake? Was this a test?
Why can't a grown man do something properly the one time he is asked? She gave him written instructions. You redditors act like men are completely stupid.
For real! If given a handwritten note with birthday instructions, you follow the damn note!
Exactly. When it comes to anything relationship wise that requires any effort like a birthday, a proposal, etc. if the guy completely drops the ball they think it’s the woman’s fault for having any expectations, and not the guy’s fault who didn’t listen or didn’t care to put in any effort to get it right.
Idk...he was given written instructions and didn't screw up once, he screwed up twice. Its not about him being a guy, because girls do this too.
On a part that he literally could have just shown the bakery.
Really. I mean if you can’t order a cake by literally reading out loud the words given to you or idk, *show* the exact words to the cake company even, what is actually going on with you? What could possibly excuse that other than just not giving a damn?
There are a lot of people who just agree to instructions or conditions regarding social or professional commitments only to forget about these agreements hours later, and they don't do it out of spite or because they are uncaring. To them, it is not important to follow instructions. They just improvise at the last minute and hope everyone will just understand and move on without making it a big deal. Hey, we're adults. Let's forget about the stuff I promised to d, and I'll just do something else less meaningful. As I go through life, I realize more and more that some people are just brain dead when it comes to making promises they don't intend to keep. Some of these people get away with it because of their happy go lucky attitude, others not so much. As an organizer of social events, I experience this disappointment on a regular basis. It doesn't soften the blow , but it reminds me that life is just like that. However, after reading OP's cake debacle and the fix it aftermath, I have seen an all-time low in carelessness. This man can not be thought of as marriage material because he will forget the wedding date or at least the numerous arrangements that must be made to even have a wedding. Heaven help this woman if she is depending on him moving forward.
Do you think men are helpless and stupid?
She feels unseen and unheard. It's not about the cake.
You’re definitely overreacting if it’s just about the cake. But if he commonly doesn’t listen then it’s def an issue
If this is about the cake, absolutely overreacting. If this is because he is t paying attention to details you requested, talk to him about being a better listener and what you expect. He may have a hundred things going on that are distracting him though too. Health, immediate family, work and other things may be having an overall effect on him too. The most important thing is to talk about how his lack of focus, listening and focus on your big birthday made you feel and he should work to correct the issues. If not, then you guys may have to breakup.
I would imagine his repose to what is suggested above would be the reason you separate or stay together. I agree pver reacting if just abiut the cake, but I sense the deeper meaning to this. Communicate with him and that should give you your answer.
Maybe he's self sabotaging... because he wants her to dump him!
It seems like there are a lot of people assuming that the boyfriend must be worse than the OP describes. If a man posted this, I'm sure most people would say "You are breaking up with them because they didn't get you the cake you wanted? Your partner should find someone better." Why are any people giving this poster more benefit of the doubt?
That's where I am. OP sounds unreasonable and ridiculous.
OP sounds “30 going on 13”
I’m just trying to figure out who gets engaged with less than a year in a relationship. That seems… well I just can’t wrap my head around it.
Especially when they can't handle stuff like this.
Immature people are likely to do both.
Yeah and they don’t live together 😵💫
I’m genuinely concerned that OP may be straight up abusive if this exchange is anything to go by.
Yeah, no, people would react the same way. He ASKED for specifics, then ignored them. He's telling her what she means to him. As others have pointed out, it's not about the cake.
A cake about a 30 year old movie at that, lol...poor guy. He should get out.
IT DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THE CORRECT QUOTE YOU HEARTLESS COMMENTER (edited to correct “there” to “the”)
It's like kingdoms hearts up in this bitch!
The movie is only 20 years old! You never show 13 Going On 30 the respect it's due, I don't think this is gonna work out.
Cake incident aside....OP just comes off a little immature idolizing a movie about teenagers and attempting to make a huge deal about a birthday this far along in adult life. I could see if this were her 21st birthday.....but 30th? Also...IMO, gifts are far less meaningful when you have to tell the person exactly what to get. Don't you want something from their own heart and mind?
I’m still down three birthday cakes and feel somewhat salty about it. 1. Giving birth to our second baby. 2.&3. In the ER with my mother and I still think she did it on purpose.
He didn't do that either though.
Sometimes you don’t get anything if you don’t tell the husband what you want. Men aren’t mind readers- some men pay attention, but others.. it’s not in their genes to just be able to pick out a gift. Unless you want a damn vacuum or kitchen accessory.
No, a cake he requested specific instructions for and then didn't follow
He went to the shop tho like all he had to do was show the note and get the right cake. He just didn't care enough, I was like him with my ex I thought I didn't have to try anymore because I had her, but u do. If he really really cared like super inlove he would of wanted to get everything right for the day. Having kids with him will be a nightmare.
Exactly. How do you have clear written instructions along with a video and still mess it up? Op isn’t overreacting and I’m sure this isn’t the first time they’ve had an issue like this.
 This has to be a joke !
Sounds like she’s 30 going on 13 with this “big fight” over a cake 🥴
Right
Going to be another AITAH post when all the bridesmaids quit.
This is a joke right?
I'm literally wondering why I wasted ten minutes reading her post and the responses. #wontgetthattimeback
You would hope.
People gotta stop interacting with obvious rage-bait content. Myself included.
How are some of the replies somehow sympathetic to this absurdity? One of the more level-headed comments used the only suitable word I can think of: exhausting.
OP needs to grow up.
No shes another delusional 30 something female who can’t figure out what a functional relationship looks like.
That’s the read I got
She’s a spoiled brat, is what she is.
Yet many people supporting her in comments. Terrifuing
OP, you should imagine telling this story to every person you go on a date with and ask yourself if they would hear this story and want another date. My guess is no. The make up tests are the worst idea ever. He may get it right a third you will still resent him.
Hah he lost the note
If youre considering breaking up with him over a cake you really dont want to be with him. Break up and let him move on. Dont waste each others limited time.
If you micromanaged your gift, cake, and restaurant… it’s really not a gift. If you were so specific and it had to be EXACTLY as you wanted- you should have just got it yourself. It’s strange to demand stuff like that. It’s your birthday. People get a cake, a gift, and if they want to take you out to dinner they do so. They usually pick what they believe you would like because it is supposed to be a surprise. It takes the excitement and joy of picking out something for you and seeing if he guessed right. And you’re supposed to be happy because it’s the thought that matters. But here you are not just micromanaging it and demanding something because you aged another year.. but you literally told him he had to make it up to you and then he tried and you got mad. Are you sure you’re 30? I literally went into cardiac arrest from an asthma attack at 3am on my 39th birthday. My husband had to do cpr on me, felt my ribs breaking under his compressions, watched EMTs intubating me and running to the ambulance saying “she does not have a shockable rhythm! We need to leave now!!”, thennnn watched over me as I stayed on life support for a week. Not knowing if I was going to make it. He then spent the next year taking care of me so I could even see my 40th birthday this year. And you know what? The flavor of cake he got me- I don’t even remember. I ate it because it was good and he bought it with love. He got me a necklace with an elephant on it because the stuffed elephant he bought for me was what I clutched to my broken chest to keep it from moving when I coughed, sneezed, hiccuped or moved. And he made me a home cooked dinner. And it was perfect. Because we are here, alive, happy, and together. Birthdays are to Celebrate another year of life. It’s not so you can make it a day for shallow requests.
My first thought was of a spoiled kid on Christmas not getting the one gift in 100
This is the character we need to look for in partners. When we are old or vulnerable or injured, how will this person treat us? Hoping your progress is forever forward ✨
Bless you and your husband.
In our culture, the person who's birthday it is, is the one responsible for the cake. So for me it's weird her partner had to take care of that, and even weirder she's mad he forgot to read a not she sent him weeks ago.
I hope you have had a full recovery and I’m glad you both were able to celebrate your 40th. You and your husband have a wonderful relationship. Hopefully, OP takes the time to read what to expect in a healthy and caring marriage.
Thank you. Honestly, we have the best marriage. We compliment each other very well. And we are inseparable. We knew it the day we met and still know it. We do not fight over petty stuff and we can be honest with each other and apologize. We even say excuse me and thank you for the little things that most people hear and assume we are a new couple lol married 5 years!
This made me cry for some reason, especially the elephant . I’m glad you and your husband got to celebrate your 40th together
I mean… I agree with you but whenever we see women post about how disappointed they are that their boyfriend did nothing for their birthday, all of the commenters are saying how she needs to be more explicit with what she wants beforehand and that men aren’t mind readers 🤷🏼♀️ now it seems to me like when a woman DOES do so, that’s a problem too.
It’s not strange to expect your partner to listen to what you want. Imagine someone promising you to do something not once but twice and then failing both times. The small stuff matters too.
Over a cake ? To fiance: run like hell homie
Amen
Yeah no shit. This way over a birthday cake? At age 30?! Just wait til the bridezilla posts start. Fucking gross.
My first thought. Probably has to have the $53k ring or no wedding also
With very specific cuts of Diamond or the ring is going in the ocean!
" no I said princess cut!!!"
You are exhausting.
Absolutely. Poor guy. I need this, I need that. Words are wrong. The cake is wrong. Drama. Extreme disappointment. End of the world. Can you imagine. They get a kid, and the bathrobe is incorrect colour? She will eat him (partner) alive. A! My guess. This cake was too bad to put on Instagram.
All over just another day in the year. Yeah it's her birthday but she thinks turning 30 is some achievement. Its not. You just didn't die before then.
my ex literally is not capable of giving me a gift for ANY special occasion if i don't spell it out to him. i have to literally plan my own birthday because he's 'afraid that i'm going to not like what he does to me'. i've told him REPEATEDLY that i'm fine with just a dumb pizza and movie dinner, or a 0$ leftover picnic in the park. but no. his mind and body were just locked up in this inability to CHOOSE. so one year i gave him an exact list of things i want for my birthday. he, like op's fiance, still missed simple little things because he thought 'it's not needed'. NOT NEEDED BASED ON WHOSE DECISION??? anyways i thought, 'welp, imagine having a kid with this guy' and just dumped him the next day. soooooo i can see if this is also the case for op, why she would leave over a 'birthday cake'
I mean, she is definitely exhausting but let’s not let the boyfriend off the hook here. She literally gave him exactly what she wanted, spelled out, and he still got it wrong. That means he either doesn’t care enough to get it right, or doesn’t think it’s a big deal what she wants. I do think she’s way over the top too, don’t get me wrong - I’m not trying to shift blame at all. Personally I think it’s kind of obnoxious to specify exactly what you want, down to what’s actually written the cake, because who does that? But at a high level, she said “this is what I want” and he either didn’t bother to listen or didn’t care what she wanted. And he doesn’t get out blame-free for that
Imagine how exhausting it would to be in a relationship with a guy who can’t follow any simple instructions written down .
I got exhausted just reading this post. Poor guy
If by exhausting you mean annoying as fuck, yes.
Is it even a gift if you are micromanaging things to that extent? Talk about taking all spontaneity out of a relationship, does he get any say at all in what gifts he gets for a person? OP sounds like hard work. If I was him and getting dumped over a cake was a possibility, I'd prefer to know now rather than later so I could move on with my life with somebody less precious.
I went out with someone whose entire family told you what they wanted for gifts. Surprised the heck out of me. I was raised where people paid attention to you and got you something you wanted or needed. Or something which showed they had no clue (mother's Christmas gift of pleated polyester pants).
Same! I was reading through wondering why it seems to be normal to demand specific multiple things for gifts, then get mad if they're not up to expectations
At that point, buy it yourself & ask him to pay you back as the “gift”
Some people are useless gift givers though. So it makes sense to give ideas or links or whatever to specific items that the gifted wants. Some people are difficult to buy for, so it's easier to have a list of stuff to choose from. Regardless of which way round this is. This is easy mode for a relationship. Instead of having to budget and think of a thoughtful gift and the rest of it. You know exactly what you need to do.... Okay I need to make this restaurant reservation on this day. Buy this plushie and order this cake. That's just 2 phone calls and one online order. Realistically this should take a maximum of 20 minutes. And he couldn't even do that. And what's worse is that it was even written down so he didn't even need to remember it. Now do you expect this boyfriend to then think up a thoughtful gift with a nice card and a personal handwritten message and then booking a restaurant reservation of his choice that he thinks she'll like?
Its not easy mode at all, its actually demeaning. I like to get thoughtful gifts for people. Being told exactly what I have to get isn't me giving a gift, its me doing what I'm told. How can I display thoughtfulness if I'm just told what to do like a trained monkey.
I don't think its bad to say to someone, "hey I really want this for a gift," - like I've already sent stuff to my fiance saying I'd like this for Christmas or whatever but he's also gotten me other stuff that he put a lot of thought into. But the way this is worded in the post, yeah, it comes off much more than a simple "here's something I'd really like!"
You are overreacting and you sound absolutely exhausting. I think it's good to let partners know what you want for gifts. However, they're really under no obligation to tick every checkbox on a list you make for them, especially when the request is so wildly specific (and immature). And then to continue to guilt him over it... yikes. You say in your post he usually does well with gifts, so it's not like it's a pattern of him ignoring special events and your wants. He just didn't get a super specific cake. If you want to break up with him, that's your choice. Probably not a bad idea to set this poor man free.
Holy crap, I would never subject a loved one to that. If I wanted something overly specific, stupid, for a relatively inconsequential reason, I would just get it for myself. I wouldn't tell someone, "I want this, this, and this, and YOU have to do all of it for me, to celebrate ME." OP has to be the center of attention for some weird ritual, like doing all those dumb things is going to fill the void at the center of her being.
Sooooo my fiance sucked at gift giving our first Christmas together. I was disappointed bc what was given wasn't something I liked. I didn't threaten to break up with him, I had a conversation with him about how it wasn't my cup of tea, and since then he's been able to gift me things he feels confident I'll like (there's been a few that have been eh, but not anything major I feel I needed to complain about since the other stuff was something I liked). All that said I think she's over reacting and should have had a conversation if in the past his gifts have been on point.
I think it's just a gender difference. I'm thrilled that I get a present period. Honestly, it's just the thought and affection that's the win.
Yeah this is exhausting af, as a woman I'd expect him to break up with me if I acted like this. OP throwing a strop over a cake for someone that's usually great with gifts for someone who is neurodivergent tells me she does this for other totally menial things that just aren't 'perfect' for her. People aren't perfect, no man or woman is perfect, you OP are not perfect. Whilst it's nice to do what someone asks you btw.... it's their gift to give, not yours. If you're going to breakup with someone over your inability to control your own emotional response to a mistake when you got everything else, why the hell would you get engaged to them?? This is exactly the type of person that gets divorced due to being too high maintenance and completely scunners this man into the ground so his self esteem is down from the constant emotional beatings of never being perfect. Would you do this to a friend if they done the same thing, or a family member? No they'd think you were batshit crazy and would literally stop talking to you if you started going in a huff at them. Why do you think it's ok to treat him like that? He was excited to tell you what filling he'd pick for you thinking it would make you happy, and a month later you break up with him because he didn't go back and read a note from a month ago. He was happy and exited and you shat on it. Like he thought and was excited to make you happy.... and you break up with him. Mental. You don't want someone you can walk all over like this btw, that's why you're actually thinking of leaving. But your personality is to do this to men trying to be nice that don't have the social skills and confidence to call you out, and immediately tell you that you are acting like a spoiled 13 year old and not a 30 year old fiance that's supposed to be a team with their partner. Take a second to think about all the fall outs you've had over the last year, how many of them are you being upset at him not doing something exactly how you want, well enough, as much as you want etc etc. If so the problem is you. If you've barely had any arguments at all and one mistake out the blue causes this.... The problem is still you. This type of over reaction is teenage women level, not adult women level.
Might as well call off the wedding. If this is what happens over a cake your going to be divorced in a year or two.
You should dump him. You’d be doing him a huge favor.
Came here to say the same thing
Sorry but u seem really hard work
My girlfriend is also very specific about what she likes and I actually prefer that, she’s pretty simple but it really is helpful I can go get it exactly detailed, I already know what I’m looking for so that means for a quick in and out, especially considering the fact most girls/women can’t pick out what they want, so they let their partner decide, and then get upset when it wasn’t the thing they mostly wanted??
He’s autistic so sometimes it’s hard for him to know what to get, I thought it was being helpful but I guess a lot of people see it as high-maintenance lol
I do think asking for certain gifts is helpful. But you want a certain cake with a certain filling and a certain saying on the front in order to create a moment that's important to you. I think it would have been much smarter to just handle the cake yourself and ask him for the dinner and maybe an idea for a gift, like something related to the movie.
Because of his issues, may be easier for you to place the order and his part is to pick it up. Harder to be disappointed. If he forgets, you know where you stand.
I think what you asked for was reasonable… If he magically had additional ideas, he could always add on to what you asked for.
I think a lot of people here think having any needs and the partner having to put any effort into the relationship is some kind of blasphemy.
Oh so now he's autistic which you didn't say in your original post. :) And you want to break up with him because he didn't do something right? Wow girl, yes, you are very high maintenance, and this proves it!
It’s not that he did it wrong. It’s that he seem to deliberately do it wrong because it’s not that difficult to get say raspberry filling in a cake if someone says they want raspberry filling
It's hard work to receive specifics detailing what someone wants exactly? It's not like OP asked for some elaborately decorated house party with Taylor Swift performing. The only addition to their normal birthday plans that they do each year (specified in the post) was the cake. And exact details were given. There wasn't any room for a guessing game. The only thing hard about the cake would be finding a place that does cake fillings and even then, I think most cake places will. OP didn't ask for a homemade cake.
He said SHE seems like hard work, not that getting the cake was hard work.
Usually, if an **adult** wants something very specific, they get it for themselves and allow their loved ones to offer thoughtful or necessary gifts. OP is acting like a spoiled sixteen year old.
See the hard work is that if you’re a person who has a *specific birthday cake*, can you imagine all the specific things this person needs? The specific wedding ring, the specific car, the specific house, the specific vacation …. Call me crazy, but I’d prefer if my partner was like me: literally any cake is fine. In fact any cake is better than fine because no cake at all is fine, because I don’t really need fucking cake for the simple act of existing yet another orbit around the sun.
This seems like an overreaction. Honestly in 5 or 10 years, you probably won’t even remember the full details of what you did for your 30th birthday. I’m not trying to minimize it or say it’s not important, but everything kind of blends together as more time passes. Also, if you are dictating every detail of how you want something that should be a gift, it’s not a gift, it’s an expectation.
I think you must 13 and the fiancé is imaginary If not and you’re really 30 At what age do you plan on being an actual adult Please seek some therapy and find out why at this age you’re this way…and I’m not referring to your attitude towards the cake…I’m talking about why you’d be willing to dump someone over a cake. You never drop the ball? Never mad a mistake? Never wondered why your 30 yo spouse is acting so child like behind s cake… Hopefully he dumps you! Yes you’re overreacting
I’d actually be curious to know if the fiancé was just trying to add some spontaneity to the gifts. She may as well have given him a grocery list… which I guess she sort of did except that gifts aren’t groceries.
Well that was the pettiest thing I've read in a while.
Is the cake a straw that broke the camels back? Because it sounds like it would be. If it’s just the cake, yes. But if it’s a series of little things that you can’t quite put your finger on or even that just seem small that have culminated with you utterly disappointed about a cake, then no. Because it’s usually never just about the cake. It was like when I dissolved into a puddle over being unable to open a can of soup. It wasn’t the soup, it was about the futility I was experiencing and the soup can was a manifestation of how utterly useless I was feeling. Also I was hungry. But it wasn’t about the can.
Wow, you're being ridiculous. You know what, order your own damn cake, if you want something done right, do it yourself. I've never in my life once requested a certain gift or a certain cake. So you turned 30 and you let a cake spoil it for you? It's never about the fucking cake! If he treats you great all of the time but messes up a cake, you're being so childish over it, but is it really about JUST THE CAKE? You might want to do him the favor of breaking up with him if it is ONLY about the cake!
You should have ordered the cake yourself. Let him do the rest. Keep things simple for everyone.
Please break up with him. He deserves so much better. You sound exhausting. I got the ick just by reading.
If he is autistic is something happening when he is communicating to the cake maker? Is he getting overstimulated and then blanking out and panicking? Like I do see that maybe it’s not about the cake and that he might be showing carelessness But also— a bakery is not a usual environment he is in so he might have less practice in how to navigate it . Or if it was by phone, he might suck at processing phone calls or he might get overwhelmed trying to guess what is expected of him to say in the call and then blanking out and just ordering from like a black-out headspace I just wonder if it’s something about autism and cake ordering . And if cake ordering gives him anxiety so then he procrastinated trying again Source: I am Audhd and panic/become like a zombie in certain settings and go into autopilot and make stupid mistakes that I don’t realize until it’s way too late . Certain unpleasant types of tasks like this turn into huge walls that are hard to surpass sometimes
Yes, OP herself said he was autistic, so he has to be given some leeway. What is OP’s excuse? She sounds like she is gunning for Ms. Suzy Sunshine Homemaker where everything had to be just so…he should run for the hills, as she sounds like she needs more maintenance than a 1985 Jaguar.
Relax, Turbo
If it is that important to you, order it yourself. Yes, overreacting.
In short, yes, you’re overreacting. It’s a cake. I understand that you wanted something special, and he tried to make up for it (it may not have been the specific cake you wanted, but it’s the thought that counts). There’ve been a few years where my husband didn’t get it exactly right, and do you know what I did? I enjoyed the day anyway because I got to spend it with my favorite person. If you were thinking of dumping him over a birthday cake, then I think you have more deeply rooted issues. It’s always good to keep in mind that not everything will always go your way, even if you give advanced notice of what you want. Sometimes it’s just Murphy’s Law.
Like others have said, I do believe that wanting to end an engagement over getting birthday cake wrong is overreacting. However, it would be concerning if you are the type to not often ask for specific things, and he couldn't seem to get this right when it only required opening his phone and reading from the screen. What's more concerning to me are these comments coming at OP for even asking for a cake and giving details about what she wants and having expectations that she gets that thing. She was asked for a list of what she wanted and provided it. Birthdays are a thing for her, and 30 is considered a milestone. If her boyfriend considered the cake request too much, he should have communicated that. She's not a horrible person for asking for it - she even did it in the way that everyone seems to complain about on here. She told him in great detail and didn't expect him to guess.
What a weird fucking person. Woe is me. I didn't get the right cake. Goodbye person I supposedly care about.
Over reaction. Grow up
Ummmmmm did you say you were turning 30 or 12? If you broke up with him, sounds like he dodged a bullet, talk about a lifetime of misery
More like 30 going on 13. Grow up.
Please dump him, for his sake. You’re a 30 year old adult complaining about a…. Birthday cake. Pretty sure this is a shitpost. If not, please end his misery now.
I personally think you’re overreacting, although I get the impression most disagree with me. I was raised to expect little and be grateful for what I get, and it seems you were raised to expect what you ask for, to a tee. Two different people with two different outlooks, neither of us are wrong. With that being said, you’d be too much work for me as I need a partner that understands my loopy brain and doesn’t leave without talking to me because the cake was the wrong flavor. We would never be compatible and if I were your boyfriend I would have broken up with you due to entitlement. I mean no disrespect, just sharing my honest opinion because you asked.
In fairness though.... If she knows he's not good at giving gifts or whatever then she made is SO easy for him by just telling her what she wants. If you couldn't place two phone calls and one online order. Is he really going to do all that planning without the initial prompts?
You are definitely OVERREACTING if a cake filling isn’t right! My goodness you think marriage or commitment is that superficial? Little things like this should be a slight bump in the road of life.
I think it really depends on the kind of partner you want to be with forever. That seems to me to be the issue at hand, not the cake. You wanted to be recognized on your birthday, which was a big deal to you, and you know that while you love your fiancé, that’s just maybe not something he’s able to do on his own without your encouragement and direction. Since your partner is neurodivergent and your requests come from a place of helpfulness, I don’t think you are being as overbearing as other commenters seem to think. But in a relationship, both partners are going to make mistakes, and it depends what your priorities are in a lifelong partner. My partner also needs a little bit of help — albeit not a list — when it comes to gifts because he didn’t grow up in a gift giving household and doesn’t exactly know the nuances of doing that. But he has so many other wonderful qualities that I wouldn’t doubt our relationship over a birthday cake. If you break up, do it because of what you want out of a relationship, but not because he got the filling wrong on a cake.
If you dump him for this then you'll be doing him the biggest favour anyone's ever done for him.
lol and you went to the trouble of posting this sad little drama on social media?
There is obviously more to it than just the cake. It seems as though relationship counseling should be in your future.
He would be better off without you, IMO. Yes, you are overreacting.
I think he’d be lucky if you dumped him 😅
The OP's boyfriend needs to dump her, she will always make his life a misery
He need to break up with you lol
Counter opinion: I think you need professional help, not only for the specificity and sensitivity you have about a cake, but that you dictated your exact needs for the cake, and that you are prepared to leave your fiance over said cake. These are signs that you may have some things going on within your own personal self that need addressing, that you need to engage in a little self help, and you would be well-advised to seek out a professional to work through some of this. Did he mess up? Yes. But to leave someone over this? That feels like an extreme overreaction. Physician, heal thyself.
If you need to have a partner who spoils you once in a while, this is probably not the one. This will be an issue your entire relationship. Only you can decide if you can let this go and be happy with his occasional surprises and, if something this specific matters, are you willing to do it yourself?
Are you sure you’re 30?
Is this a joke? You had all these specific things about a birthday cake at your big girl age? 😂 honestly he’s under reacting for not dumping you. Unless this is about way more than cake, then you sound like an immature spoilt brat.
Yes, you are overreacting. This whole scenario seems pretty childish to me. The whole point of a gift is so that the people who care about you can show their appreciation, by giving you something they WANT to give, and apparently no one ever taught you that it’s the THOUGHT that counts. If this is the worst thing your husband does to show his “inattentiveness” then you definitely need to take stock of what you have and take a better attitude of gratitude.
people are being so meannnnn omg it’s clear this isnt JUST about the cake itself, it sounds it’s more he knew this was important for you and asked for details so he could get it and get it right. then he waited a month, you had to ask if it was still happening or if he was going to make it up, and then he got literally like everything wrong. it’s obviously going to be upsetting when you made it clear this was important and laid it all out for him and it felt like he just… didn’t listen. you’re not upset just because you didn’t get to eat the perfect cake. you don’t sound exhausting or a handful like some are saying. you sound let down. i think if this was solely about you wanting a perfect cake and he fucked it up so you ditched without a word you’d be overreacting. but i think you should communicate the deeper issues/reasons. talk to him and tell him how it made you feel, and then decide after you hear him out. edit: maybe i’m thinking too much about my personal life cause obviously i don’t know either of yours, but getting a cake on time for your partners birthday and making sure it’s what they’d like especially when they explicitly told you everything just…… isn’t that hard. sorry
I hope this post is fake.I
I think you're valid to be upset. You gave your boyfriend strict black and white instructions on the cake you wanted, and he didn't deliver because he didn't deem it important. And wanting to "make it up" and "fix it" when the mistake was the fix? If he genuinely wanted to "make it up to you" then it would've been correct. It sounds like he just got some generic 30 cake and is expecting you to be happy with it. If this is the only time he's done something like this, then I could see letting him make it up again, but if he has a pattern of showing you that what you want doesn't matter to him, not overreacting at all.
ASSHOLE!!! I want, I want, I want, got 2 of 3 but, I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.... FFS, it is just a cake and being upset over flavours is just dumb.
People are so weird with other people celebrating their birthdays exactly how they want. Just buy the cake for yourself.
My husband does the same… we are married for so many years and he annoys the fuck out of me. I understand you, but let’s be honest. This isn’t the only problem. Ask him why he messed this up twice even though you didn’t expect much and told him what exactly you wanted. So either he doesn’t care, he thinks he knows better or he is an idiot.
This is what I’m scared of, I also don’t want him to be unhappy if he doesn’t like me having occasional special requests that are specific and only wants to give surprise-type gifts
I would dump you over this. This is an unhealthy level of overreacting. He is not obligated to get you something just because its on the list. Holidays and vacations with you sound exhausting.
I, I, I, ... I want, I ask .... your fiancé deserves better .
He needs to dump you, and fast
You did overreact but at least he is free now and can find someone else.
Yeah I think it's over reacting. I also think a lot of the commenters are over reacting. Telling someone what you want for your bday and where you'd like to go out is not exhausting. Being so specific about the cake might be a little but it's also not some hugely ridiculous red flag either. Especially since she didn't say anything about it not looking the way she wanted and only got upset that it wasn't actually the flavour she wanted which is a fairly normal thing to request for a bday, and the fact that he simply didn't get her a cake at all on her bday after she asked.
Perhaps a wee bit of an over reaction but I absolutely understand what you asked for and why and it isn't being selfish or petty which I get. It is less about the details and more about being heard and someone truly paying attention. I don't get a whiff at all of you being like this all the time. I feel the same way - I don't ask for much but when I do and it means a lot to me, it would be nice to be heard by your person with attention to detail.
Gift giving traditions and customs are specific, and there are no wrong ones. In my family, we never asked someone what they wanted for a gift. The gift giver shopped for something they thought the recipient would like and hoped for the best. Thinking about the recipient, his or her likes and needs, and being creative was more than half the fun. In my wife’s family, they routinely ask each other what they want for Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc. if the recipient doesn’t have a specific request, they will likely get a check or a gift card. Or nothing. I’m not complaining. I’m just saying it’s not what I’m accustomed to.
You are not overreacting….. you literally gave him a handbook on how to make you happy and he purposely did something else
If this type of lack of consideration and lack of listening and showing care is not normal, it’s not dump worthy, though I can completely understand the disappointment and frustration. If someone asks what you want you tell them, even give them something to reference later, and they don’t pay it attention TWICE after saying they wanted to make it right I would definitely be irritated and hurt.
I feel like I’m in the minority, but I don’t think this is an overreaction. I think upon first read, it could be taken that way. First of all, as for as 30th birthday’s go, this is a normal birthday for women to make a big deal about. And I’ve heard and seen women demand “surprise parties” at expensive places, extravagant gifts, guests from out of town, etc. I don’t think a private dinner, a custom cake, and a $35 gift is that much to ask for for a milestone birthday. Those are actually really simple wishes between a married couple. Messing up the movie quote made the custom cake pointless. It’s already shitty because she didn’t get it on the day of. He ruined a milestone birthday when the stakes were very low and the wishes were very laid out. If this is an isolated incident, it would suck, but not relationship ending bad. I’d be pissed for a while, though. However, I feel like stuff like this is never isolated. That took a huge disregard for prioritizing your birthday on his part. What did you do for his 30th birthday?
When I first read to the movie reference, I was like dam OP…but as I kept reading I found it no big deal, hell if someone tell me exactly what they want ( especially that simple). No stress for me trying to figure it out and less room to be disappointed at your own bday. But the part that got me is that line “ Welcome to level 30” reference to anime or game…that kinda shows he had his own funny idea regardless of OP’s request.
Just know that if he has a job and manages deadlines at work, he could have taken care of a simple request like this. I think it’s a red flag. Getting g married to a guy that can’t deliver is endless suffering. I was married to a guy like that for almost 30 years. I’ll never get married again.
It’s more than the cake; you shouldn’t have to beg for a thing you want for a special occasion. It seems like he just doesn’t put in the effort even if you literally spell it out for him. If you stay with him, the relationship will remain like this.
NTA. But this really isn’t about a cake. It’s about your boyfriend, not being sensitive to your needs and wants, listening to you, being thoughtful and doing something nice for you that you asked for. You really should think about that.
NTA. My partner uses the line "I messed up" to somehow deflect repeated actions that are the result of not paying attention to things that are important to me. When it happens over and over, it's not "I messed up", it's "I didn't prioritize this". My partner has other good qualities so it's not a relationship-ending thing, but it's still a fairly significant thing. Attention to detail is high when it's something important to them.
You ended a 2-year relationship over not getting a cake. No, not even over a cake, over a *cake filling*. I am not sure "overreact" is even the right word for that. Well, good luck nonetheless and I hope you and your ex find happiness whether it is together or apart.
You sound absolutely insufferable and he should leave you
If this is truly about the cake, you're so over-reacting. You could have just ordered your own cake if you really needed it to be incredibly specific down to the detail. I don't get why your fiance needed to order this particular cake FOR YOU. This whole thing is cringe.
Holy shit you’re nuts. You’ll never do a bigger favor for anyone than you will breaking up with this dude.
You sound like you are 30 going on 13.
Tbh I’d have dumped him as well because it’s a total lack of effort to keep fucking up the simplest things that matter to you
Jesus .....you need to leave him so he can dodge the bullet that is you. Incoming bridezilla for sure...
13 vs 30..... 13 = getting bent outta shape over the words on a cake and making it a BIG deal 5 weeks "after" the darn birthday 30 = If it's that big a deal, ....get your own damn cake, to your specifications....and be HAPPY with it. (Not kidding a few years ago, my long-time GF got all bent outta shape because "How dare, I .....get my own cake" that year. But I got my own shit because the last few years prior, she got what TF she thought "all I needed" when I wanted what TF I wanted....which was simply the sheet/square cake vs that goofy ass round one that's moreso a sponge cake 🎂 where I wanted the freaking sheet cake.....so I went and got my own shit....and she was 🔥 mad AF because "I" a grown ass man had the audacity to buy my own cake. Relationships with humans that aren't YOU will have some disappointments ....just the way it is She got pissy at "me" for gifting "myself" what TF "I" wanted....."whatever" Point yeah he effed up....but honestly the "make up" thing a month later was lame to begin with....you aren't 13 If you wanna damn cake "on" your birthday...Get one But this do-over bull shit a month later = "really" And if he effed it up....a month later.....it's actually HILARIOUS 😂 not "break up" serious If you can't laugh about that...at 30.....life is going to be difficult
Dude dodged a bullet.
Are you sure you're not 13 instead of 30? You have a lot of growing up to do. Honestly, I think this guy should break up with you. There must be a ton of other things wrong with this relationship.