You're also mourning not just your mother's death, but the death of your family. Regardless of reality, the common ideas are that families stick together, stick up for one another. Instead, your sperm donor cut you loose for what my dad would call a chippie in the same age range as his child.
That attempt to make nice at the family gathering sounds performative, after what he told you in private.
If your mom has any keepsakes from her family, take them. Photos, etc. Better than the chippie wearing your maternal grandmother's jewelry. Also see if she had a will filed. If your father is the executor, he might just pocket anything your mom left you.
You might just want to walk away, but they don't deserve to profit off your mother, or erase her from existence. If she made a will, she deserves to have her wishes respected.
My brother and I have nothing to do with our dad anymore and when someone drops the “he’s still your dad” crap, my response is just “yes, but I didn’t have a say back then but I sure do now”
I’d say, “he forfeited his rights as my dad when he cheated on my dying mother with my 30 year old ex- friend.” Glare at them directly in the eye and say, “how would you feel if your Dad did that to you. Look me in the eye and be honest. How the fuck would you feel?”
Not overreacting. That is really fast and I would assume they were seeing each other before your mom died. If you don't want a relationship with him, then don't have one. Why is he showing up to a gathering of your mom's side with her? That is so disrespectful.
Not overreacting. I’m really sorry for your loss and your dad’s disgraceful behavior. If I were you I wouldn’t have anything to do with him especially since he told you how little he cares about your feelings 🙏🏻🙏🏻
I’m so sorry. You are not overreacting. Especially bc you have a bad past with this person and how your dad came at you about it was so wrong. You are grieving too.
She had been sick for a few months. I've already went down this rabbit hole for various reasons but then retracted because it's like do I mentally want to do this to myself.
Don’t. I’ve been there and you’ll never get the answer. It will hurt you too much and cause you pain. Your mom wouldn’t want that. The way I try to get through it is I believe God saw EVERYTHING and knows. He can do so much more than I can so I gave it to him. Not that it doesn’t cross my mind on occasion but I can’t think about it or I’ll get stuck there. Sending much love to you OP
You're probably right. My friend's dad started stepping out on her mother shortly after she started chemo. When my cousin was in a nursing home her husband actually brought his new GF to Thanksgiving at my aunt/uncle's house. She spent the day yakking about how she was planning to redecorate the house.
This is unfortunately not uncommon. A friend told me once that they counsel women with recent diagnoses like cancer about the very real possibility that the husband/boyfriend will leave. I’m really sorry about your mom. Stay NC with your dad. He sounds like a real gem. Not. Big hugs!
If you really want to be "that person" (and I would), hire a PI and get proof. It's always good to have in your back pocket to show to certain people. Plus your own peace of mind at not talking to him.
Not necessarily. Often widows are very lonely very quickly and look for companionship fast. I know 3 that tried to daye me withon months of their husbands death. I didnt go out with them, they all talked about their dead husband's way to much, felt like they were looking for anybody to be next to them and listen about it. Never got past talking stage but I'm sure plenty of people do.
Your dad was cheating before mom passed. To those that say that he's still your dad, tell them no he isn't he's the one that told me I wasn't important to him anymore. Why was he at your mom's family event showing off his trophy wife? She's isolating him from you.
> She’s isolating him from you
I agree with everything else but hate this narrative. This is not on the new wife. This grown ass man chose this himself, he was very aware of his actions and how it would affect his relationship with his child and he did not care. He isolated himself, nobody did it for him.
"Also dealing with the people with the "he's still your dad..." comments are just too much"
Being a sperm donor does not make a father... his actions do.
I had a sperm donor too and then I had a stepdad who WAS MY DAD, I loved him and always will, he's gone now but he will always be my dad. He was the one there for us, he never left us, he never abused us. He supported and took care of all 6 of his step kids as if we were his own. That is what a father does, a real man does!
A father is made by actions, not by DNA. My (bio) dad was great, but so many are a waste of space. There are some incredible guys out there though who really step up (pun unintended but apt) - I'm really glad you had one 😊
I referred to my father as that and by his name for a looong time.
He also left our family for a woman closer to my age than his. He brought her to my mother’s funeral when I was 19, and I almost punched his lights out.
We didn’t speak for twenty years. My sister and I also went years without speaking, because she chose his side.
Aside from that heinous bullshit, he’s lied, tried to control us, and even faked his own death just to “win.”
When he showed up on my doorstep a year ago, I almost had an aneurism. We closed a few doors and opened a window or two, and now I can call him “my father” again.
I will never love him or like him. But he is the reason I’m the father and husband I am.
You can pretend your father is dead. Just try not to harbor anger or let him live rent free in your head. Release the grudge, but keep the no contact order.
Yeah, it’s pretty obvious. Sadly statistics show that a good percentage of men will divorce or cheat on their wives after the wife gets a serious illness.
I belong to a a female caregiver spouse group for early onset Alzheimer's. I was shocked at how many women didn't honor their wedding vows after their husband got ill. Sure, I can't have a complete relationship with my husband, but I can still respect my vow to stay married in sickness and in health. People are weak. In this case his father's crime is not dating the chick with a poor moral compass, it is in making sure he can dip his wick at the cost of alienating his son.
This is called a hospice wife .. well maybe he’s not old enough for a hospice wife but it still tracks. My mom married someone I despised and I continued to despise him unapologetically and then she died and he went into a nursing home and no one talks to him. I had to separate my mom from her relationship. I told her I wouldn’t talk about their relationship whatsoever I don’t want to hear anything about how he’s making you miserable and we kept it like that for years. I would say if you have other reasons to go no contact an this is just the icing on the shit cake then do what you must. But if it was ok before the marriage then just ignore that part and set a boundary. She’s not allowed around you and he can’t talk about her. He most likely won’t like your boundaries and cut you off. Or if he crosses them then cut him off but you have to be clear.
Does your father have money? Could this former friend have heard you tell stories about your dad, decided he’s a meal ticket, and latched on? Pushed for a fast wedding?
I’m not discounting an affair, but I’ve had a spiteful former friend who decided to screw with several aspects of my life simply because she decided to hold a grudge. She may be trying to scoop your inheritance.
You are not overreacting, I think you’re underreacting if anything. Less than 6 months later and hes remarrying to someone his child’s age?? That he knew while she grew up (I might be assuming that part).
He might be your dad biologically but it can end there. Super creepy, so strange he isn’t showing any remorse, embarrassment or grief. Makes me think this relationship was going on before your mom passed. I truly hope not but the engagement is so odd.
You are not assuming, you are correct. We all grew up together and in church, no less. This girl and I used to be friends but had a pretty big falling out with some serious issues. Not getting in to that here, but yes. Odd is an excellent word.
Your mom’s side of the family should have told him to fuck off. Tell him you will reveal his affair to everyone on her side of the family if you ever see him again.
The only reason he was pretending to be a good person was something to do with your mom
Marriage assets or money or community standing etc
Now there are no reasons for him not to be himself
My daughters dad is super abusive and people still tell her “but its your dad” Weve found asking them
“If someone said/did this to you, would you feel safe around them? Would you continue a relationship with them?” The answer is usually no, if not “hmm that is a unique situation” or some dumb answer Youll have to force empathy with these types so dont be silent about the truth
I really think that my mom just kept him in line while she was here. He and I have bumped heads throughout life for various reasons but mostly because he was very controlling and I caught that. In my head it makes sense that my mom is gone and he feels like he can treat me or act however he wants.
I think this is such an underrated factor when a parent dies.
In some cases, the parent that died was doing so much work managing the parent with mental health issues, that the kids are taken a back when the see the full load of the narricisim or contol issues or bi-polar or [fill in the blank here].
NOR. This is not suspicious at allllll. 🙄
Your future SMom, is doing this out of spite, or something more sinister.
Either way, you have a right to NOT have any communication with whomever you choose.
Keep your distance, for your mental health. The ones saying "he's still your dad", tell them they can go talk to him.
It’s not fast to him because she was his side check, and your mother’s passing made her the main chick. Not sure I would be so forgiving either, I do not think you’re overreacting. things like this take time. he’s had months, maybe even years of getting used to having her by his side, he needs to give you the same common courtesy.
Another thing, if y’all were fighting, I wouldn’t put it past her to have made moves on your father just out of spite.
“piss me off, I’ll become your stepmother.”
It is possible he wasn't cheating. I know some people just can't stand being alone and will move on fast. Cheating or no cheating, you have every right to be upset and to cut contact with your dad. Marrying someone so fast and closer to your age than his is definitely bizarre and he shouldn't expect you to just be ok with this. This was his choice and you cutting him off is a consequence of his actions.
Agreed. It’s very common for men to remarry quickly. Several of my friends have gone through this. No affair, but usually an opportunist or gold digger as the second (and younger) wife.
My best friend died. Just weeks later her widower was dating again. My mom's friend died, just months and her widower was married. I believe that this type of men don't stop and grieve, but try to move on and can't stand being alone. It is bizarre to me, but it has been seen often enough to be not unheard of.
Not an excuse for being an asshole to your kid though.
That's really the story here, he maybe didn't cheat, its maybe even likely he didn't cheat. The problem is he has been a shitty Dad all of his life and never earned any benefit of the doubt for the OP to give him any.
Exactly this, still seems like she has 100s of reasons for going no contact and this is just one of them. He doesn't sound like he is a good person, whether he cheated or just fell in love with the young thing that took care of him while he was grieving really doesn't matter. She is going NC, because of tons of reasons and has no reason to give him any benefit of doubt because he never earned it.
This is his life to live as he wants and it's your right to not like it or be around him, so don't. He is getting used as he uses her. They belong together. I am so sorry that you lost your mom and it's okay to not be around your dad if you don't want to be.
Similar situation. My mom passed 2/11/97 by 4/97 he was dating her by 7/97 they were married. My parents had been married 47 years and she was first one he dated after that length of time. She was 13 years younger and NEVER did anything not work, didn’t clean, didn’t cook, didn’t do laundry etc . My father and I were very close until then. For 20 years he defended ANYTHING she said or did. It never got better and for different lengths of time we didn’t speak. He passed away after being in hospital11 days . I went to hospital daily, she went once.
I feel ya on this one. My mom passed away 4 months ago at the end of Feb and my dad is now running around with this trashy looking woman who’s my age. She had the nerve to come to my mom’s funeral and introduce herself to me, and went on at length about what a great guy my dad was and how much everyone loved him. At the time, I had no idea who she was and just smiled and thanked her for coming to the service.
Now I realize this whole thing must’ve started even before my mom passed away. It makes me feel sick to think about him disrespecting my mom like that; they were married for 64 yrs and she laid in the hospital dying with a brain tumor while he was out running around with a cheap tart. He called me last weekend on what would’ve been their wedding anniversary and said he was thinking about taking a trip to Vegas with “a friend”, and what would I think about him “making some changes in his life”.
He’s nothing to me now.
Ahhh I am so sorry. I get it. The new woman was also at my mom's funeral and I look back and can't help but think the same thing. I hadn't seen her or her family for years prior to that. Ironic the timing.
He is your dad. You have his DNA.
But that doesn't give him carte Blanche to be an asshole to you. You have the right to peace. You have the right to cut him off.
You’re not overreacting. However I have noticed that people who lose their spouses typically DO get married very quickly afterwards. Her being an old friend is absolutely sus!
I was horrified when my uncle started talking about the qualities he wanted in his next wife before my aunt’s funeral. She wasn’t even in the ground yet. He was married 2 months later, the new wife divorced him after she blew through his inheritance. I felt no sympathy.
OP, I am so sorry for your loss. We are just never grown up enough to not have their momma. My mom passed four years ago due to COVID and my dad started dating again just over a year later. I’m 47 years old and I STRUGGLED. I still struggle when I visit and I’m reminded that my mom is really and truly gone and there is someone else in my dads life. (Not married or living together). I cannot fathom what you must be feeling right now. It is a mindf@&k trying to wrap your head around all of your conflicting feelings. On one hand nobody wants their parent to be lonely and stuck in grief. For me him moving on made me question his love for her. How can he be with someone else and my world and heart is still shattered in a million pieces? I felt like he was betraying my mom. I honestly don’t know if I would have been able to overcome these feelings if it was immediately after she died. You are allowed to honestly express your feelings to your dad. I encourage you to have an open dialogue about both your perspectives. Some people honestly just can’t do life without someone to share it with. Not that I in ANYWAY condone or accept cheating, but maybe he was pulling away from your mom because it just hurt too much to face. Watching your loved one die is a long and torturous goodbye. Give yourself some grace and time. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to scream and cry at the top of your lungs like a feral animal. Let all the rage out. If you try to hold it all in you will explode. If you need space, please take it. You’re entitled to heal in the way you’re spirit needs. I apologize ahead of time if this in any way offends you, that is sincerely not my intention. Have you tried praying for both your dad and his new wife? I know it sounds batshit crazy, that’s what I thought when it was suggested to me. When I was going through my divorce I was so filled with hate towards my ex husband that I couldn’t imagine not hating him and having to play nice for eternity. So I started praying every day that he would have a good day, that he would only have green lights, that his soccer team won, that he was happy, etc. I prayed even though I didn’t mean a word of what I was saying. I don’t know how or why but one morning I realized that I actually wanted good things for him. I had to start praying for my dads girlfriend, (honestly, I said only Hail Mary’s at first because she’s Jewish and doesn’t believe in Mary🤣), hey gotta start somewhere. I am wrapping you up in the best momma hug I know how to give. Definitely not overreacting.
My mom died 7 years ago. Her fiance was on METH and he didn't even start dating again til like 2 years after that... Your dad sucks I'm so sorry.
I'll tell my mom to find your mom so they can make fun of that skank together 🥹🙏🏻❤️ maybe they can work some heavenly mom magic 🪄✨ love you OP
NOR. I agree with many others, it sounds like they were seeing each other before your mom's passing. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss and I hope you're coping as well as possible
Oh my. Even if it were a decent person he was marrying, that would be really hard and you’d have every right to not feel okay with it. But someone your age, who you had a falling out with? That’s just fucked up. I’m so sorry this is happening. Set boundaries and take care of yourself as best as you can through all this.
Maybe the appropriate response to those who say he’s still your father is along the lines of ‘physically yes but he’s already told me only his new wife matters in his life so I’m simply honoring his wishes.’
That’s heartbreaking. No, you’re not overreacting.
I would cut him out of my life and never see or speak to either one of them ever again. They are both dead to you now. They no longer exist in your world.
Block them everywhere. If you see them , pretend they are strangers you’ve never met before and don’t acknowledge them. Walk away.
The people that say, “he’s still your Dad….” are full of shit. Don’t listen to them.
oh honey i’m sorry, you’re not overreacting. my did did the exact same thing lol. wasn’t with me or my sisters on my moms first death anniversary and proposed to her the day after.
it’s not easy, he abandoned me, my daughter, his other grandchild, and my four sisters and replaced us with his wife and her son.
when he got married none of us attended the wedding and i’ve just begun talking to him.
my doctor and psych told me that this is typical of men. for my dad I know it’s mostly grief but also pure selfishness. my dad did the EXACT same thing he’s doing to you. remember it’s not your fault it’s on him and sooner or later his happiness will fade and he’ll feel deep remorse over what he’s done.
my dad looks horrible now and my youngest sister who lives with him says he drinks all the time now.
you have to focus on you, you matter and your mom would want you happy. i’m slowly rebuilding a relationship with him because hr i’d my daughter’s father figure but put up boundaries and guard your heart. again, YOU need to focus on yourself. you are grieving and you will for the rest of your life. message me if you want to talk 💕
Was he (and she) invited to the gathering? Who hosted, where they asked to leave? Have you heard other family member’s thoughts on the situation? Trying to gain perspective.
My dad likes to play the victim always..."oh whoa is me, look at me, blah blah blah." One person invited him and him only because he thought that my dad needed it. Like needed to be around people. Then he brought her. After he walked up to me and I told him that I wasnt going to talk, he really didn't stay long after. The rest of the family was shocked and all kind of rallied around me. No one knew what was happening. I tried to kind of keep everything private because why would I want to announce that my life is falling apart, you know? I did end up telling them what happened with all of the screenshots and everything. Because I realize this may sound crazy.
Not over reacting. I went through an almost identical situation with my dad, although it wasn’t an old friend of mine, it was his brothers ex wife.
We were estranged for ten years until he finally apologised to me and now we are attempting to navigate a relationship. It’s so hard and I wish you all the best.
No one there knew he was seeing someone, let alone invited her. He always portrays himself as the victim, so naturally, one of them thought "well poor guy, let's invite him." He won't be there next year. They all said that.
Hopefully one of them let him have it and told him straight, nothing short of what he would deserve! I’m sure with support from your mother’s family you will do well..and it’s his loss just remember that!
You are not overreacting. Same happened when my mother died, and we’re nearly positive he was seeing \*her\* best friend for a while before her death. It’s an ugly, tragic story, but, my siblings and I get how you feel. So sorry.
Many men are unable to deal with illness. They no longer get the attention they think they are owed because the illness is prioritized. Married three months after your mom died, he was definitely seeing her. I will stand corrected if your dad was by her side through it all.
Not overreacting at all. Widowers marrying quickly after the loss of a spouse is very high. My Mom died Jan 2023 and he's getting married this October. He has been incredibly thoughtless throughout this time. I love him dearly, but the loss of my Mom made it all the more clear that I was raised by my Mom and have very little in common with my Dad. I will likely go low contact with him in the future as his future wife is not someone any of us like. You don't have to be close to someone or even talk to them at all just because they are family. You are not required to approve of or get to know anyone a family member brings into their life. If I can put up with her, I will try to because I love my Dad. But, if she and him become the mess I expect they will, I will be absolutely done with my Dad. It's painful with fathers because they do not typically have an EQ, or at least mine doesn't, and mine thought ignoring us until Mom died was 'what every father does'. I hope you have people in your life that watch out for you and that you can talk to. I really appreciate seeing my psychologist, maybe that's an option for you too. She helped me see that I don't have to try with people because they are blood when they are hurting me.
I would’ve kicked him in the balls and let them decide how much longer they’ll be staying at the event. I’d proudly take the assault charge too fck him. Definitely didn’t overreact
NOR. Your Dad is pussy blasted and nothing is going to change that. He’d sell your soul to get her a pair of heels 👠 if she said for him to do it. Unfortunately he’s turned into a pathetic old man who will regret this someday . You don’t owe him or anyone else a damn thing. He’s deplorable in what he’s done. I hope you managed to grab some special pieces of your mom’s jewelry or her favorite serving dish or something as he will sell all of it and won’t think twice. I wish you well.
All these dopey friends and relatives that always want to act like everything is normal when it isn’t and placate the offenders at the expense of everyone else. Disgusting! He shouldn’t have even been invited.
Some men can't be alone. I think a lot of them marry the woman who's there when they decide to get married and when she's gone they replace her quickly. Or sometimes they find a replacement before they leave the wife. Really, any woman will do for some men because all they want is a bang maid.
Nah, your dad was dating her for months before your mum died. Possibly before she was even ill.
To announce the relationship and then marriage so quickly? Could have been a couple years.
I'm surprised your mum's side of the family haven't suspected that already and allowed him and that woman to come to their family gathering after the clear disrespect he's shown your mother and you. He's not part of the their family and if anything he's spit on all of them by spitting on her and you.
All the people saying ^*BuT ^hE's ^YoUr ^DaD* if he wasn't, you'd have no reason to talk to him so why is it exceptable for a parent to treat you this way when you wouldn't allow a stranger to? Your "friend" is a cunt and to me it seems like she was probably involved before mom was gone. Tell dear old dad to pound sand and that the choice was either you and the loss of your mom or your friend and he chose your friend, bc yes that was a fair ultimatum. How long had mom been in the ground before girly was in her bed? Tell her she's sick to be moaning a man's name who was still telling his wife he lived her less than 2 weeks before she was involved, IF she even waited to be involved.
I’m sorry this happened for you. It couldn’t be more of a gut punch. Do you know if maybe your mom and dad talked about his moving on after her death? I have had these sorts of conversations with my husband but never my kids which makes me think I should. For me personally and this is not to mean harm, I do not want my husband mourning my death til his own. I would love for him to move on and find love again. We are only human.
No I don’t think you’re over reacting. Everyone on here trying to like turn this into a fairy tale gossip column saying things like “he was definitely cheating on your mom with her” is over reacting though. To give your dad the benefit of the doubt, grief affects people differently. That said, it’s definitely weird and I’d be frustrated and id be upset about it too. Don’t listen to everyone else making up stories about what they think happened or is going on based on the paragraph of information you gave though. That shits dumb.
NTA.
The fact he's moved on so quickly would obviously be upsetting. The fact that he's so dismissive of your feelings says a lot about him. Family members and friends who say the "he's still your dad" should also recognise that yes he's your dad, but you don't have to like your dad. Your his daughter, so why aren't those same people giving him shit about his attitude towards you, or does "family loyalty" only go one way? Yes he's got the right to move on with whom ever he wants, just like you've got the right to say "I don't want any part of it". Dear ole dad doesn't get to force his choices on you, just because he's dad, hes not seeking your approval, he seems to be delighting in rubbing your nose in it. Those with opinions on this in your family, you should ask "why" when you actually put people on the spot and lay out all the reasons why, and ask them to put themselves in your shoes, you'll find it shuts them down. Condolences on the loss of your mom.
Women grieve. Men replace.
You're not overreacting, but realize that he isn't either. He can't tell you what to do, and the reverse applies.
You're not obligated to like his choices, or even associate with him and his new GF, but you can't tell him it's wrong, either, because *for him*, it isn't.
Bullshit. You can 100% call people out for their actions, especially ones that harm you.
The father sent horrible messages to OP, showed up at a family event WHERE HE ISNT EVEN RELATED, and married a woman that hurt OP in the past. If anything, OP has been TOO nice here.
Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you don’t get called out on obscene behavior.
Yesss, 110% agreed. I'd upvote this a million times if I could. 🤣 I have a hard time seeing how his behavior is not "wrong." And agree that I may have been too nice. Also, struggeled to create boundaries growing up because of how I was raised which did not help this situation with him at all. I can definitely admit fault there.
My grandpa did the same. Was married roughly 6 months after my grandmother died. The joke was (sadly) on him. He’d done well in life and was relatively wealthy, but not a good partner…married 4 times to 3 women…(yes, married and divorced my bio grandma twice!) And he was always bitter about the women in his life screwing him over financially in the divorces, and his late wife left her assets to her kids…so…he decided he needed a new woman to cook and clean for him, and sought out to find one who was already well to do for herself, so he didn’t even have to cover “the expense” of keeping a woman.
He found a con woman…who convinced him she would be Suzie Homemaker and who had a multimillion dollar settlement about to be paid to her. My grandfather rushed to lock that shit down while all of us tried to tell him to take his time, no need to rush in. She and her convict son took him for all he was worth and he died penniless and abused. (The son moved in and would literally isolate and beat him and make him sign things over and sold off his belongings and stole his financial assets.) He was too proud to admit he was wrong until it was too late to help him recover anything and basically had a rapid decline and gave up on life, dying within a couple of years of this experience.
This isn’t a man vs. woman thing. Some people just cannot be alone. I know a woman who has been widowed 3 times and is married to husband #4. It’s just the way some people are.
This. My dad moved on super fast- not this fast but was seriously dating by June and my mom passed in December before. It was a mistake. But sometimes people have to learn the hard way.
From a psychological point of view, that phrase “women grieve, men replace” can actually be disputed quite heavily. Modernly, we recognize grief to be much more complex- although it is unique in men vs women. It is true that many men choose to grieve through replacing their late wife, but this is often harmful to others. There’s more of a push for men to recognize their grief and treat it aggressively instead of passively. Meaning, men should pursue specific grief counseling or groups instead of instrumental means. Interesting how psychology has changed over time.
Response to first sentence - overgeneralization about men. Some men do grieve. Response to last sentence - yes, she can give old man a piece of her mind, if she is so inclined to. Maybe somewhere in there the message will settle in. At least then he knows where she stands.
I’m your father’s age. My wife has had numerous serious medical issues in the last fifteen years. I have often wondered what I would do if I lost her. She’s my everything. I don’t think that I could live on my own for long. I would either find someone else soon or I would end myself. I would hate to do that to my adult children but life would just be too painful.
I am so sorry to hear about your wife. Can I just say, that had my dad and I not struggeled all my life and had he not acted in such a way to me, I would probably be fine with it. I've had family members in similar situations and completely get it. I was genuinely happy for them. I think a willingness to listen and understand each other goes a long way. I did not have that.
He told you he’s choosing her over you. You’re not overreacting and you did the right thing.
“He’s still your dad” - no, he forfeited that title when he choose someone else over me
I love calling people out, so I would say “So, since I already know, how long before Mum died did you start seeing each other?”
If they try to deny it, gaslight them into believing you have proof.
Because gut feelings are rarely wrong and that timeline is shit as hell.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this ❤️
Your mother is dead. He's doing nothing wrong. And if she had a long term disease they probably discussed what he's going to do after or even had him start before.
You can feel a type of way or whatever, but it's overreacting imo
Not overreacting. I hate how all of the emotional burden is being placed on you. I'm really sorry and hope you can move past all this. Is it possible to move away so you don't have to deal with any of these people anymore?
He literally told you he was picking her over you. I would say that to the aholes who say “he is still your dad”. He ceased being your dad the second he said he was choosing this woman over you.
Not over reacting.
It is possible that they were seeing each other before your mom's death, but it is possible they were not.
People who remarry quickly after a spouse passing usually means they had a good marriage. You and your dad should take a few therapy sessions together. You are feeling hurt how quickly your dad 'replaced' your mom. You are especially hurt because the woman she chose is twenty years younger and someone you don't like. His perspective may be that he and your mom talked about this prior to her death and she would have wanted him to find someone new.
If he had waited two years would that have made the situation better? Because you don't really have a right to like his new wife or want her to be a certain age. 58 - 37 age gap is quite out of the ordinary, but 37 is almost middle age so in this case the ages are irrelevant.
It's fine to have low contact until you've processed this. But cutting him out completely seems a bit of a teenager response, not a 30 year old's response.
This is such a hard thing. I don't know what your parent's marriage was like, or what your Mom's illness/death was like. Your Dad's grief may have been a very different experience and process than it was for you. He lost a spouse, you lost a parent. They are very different things.
You are entitled to take as long as you need for your grief. You are not ready for him to be dating, marrying, etc. - and definitely not ready for that person to be presented in social situations, or being a "step-mom" - particularly because it is someone you don't have warm feelings for anyhow. You are not over reacting that you aren't ready for this. As a father he is failing to understand the grief you are experiencing - and he should be meeting you where you are at emotionally. This doesn't mean that he grieves the same way - but that he appreciates and understands that your loss was profound and you are not open to this other woman and his new relationship.
So, you are not wrong for wanting your space. I am sorry that your Dad doesn't "get it." His loss.
I hope you are able to have the help and support of a therapist and some people who won't fall back on "but he is your Dad." Right now you have lost both your parents when your mother died - that is profoundly painful.
Here is a sad fact that I have seen a dozen times in real life. Men do not like to be alone. In the course of my considerable years I have seen a number of adult friends blindsided when their male parent remarried within months of their mother’s death. These men were not cheating. They just were not used to being alone and married very quickly so they would not have to be.
That is rather disgusting but also sadly kinda common. A friend of mine died suddenly. Her husband barely waited to get her in the ground and was very publicly dating, trotting out the woman of the week all over his social media. It took him about 2 years of constant dating to find someone that was willing to get engaged. He went zero to super serious with every one he dated. It seemed like he was shopping for a replacement wife. My ex did something similar. The minute I kicked him out he started speed dating through town and refused to cooperate with the divorce until he found someone willing to be in a relationship with him.
He’s disgusting and so is she. I’m really sorry you lost both your parents when your mother passed. I hope your maternal family has been supportive and comforting in this time.
Doesn't sound like you're overreacting at all in this case. The way your dad moved on seems too eager, and grossly celebratory.
I feel like. *sometimes* a widowed spouse can appear from the outside to be moving on pretty quickly. But if they've been dealing with a long decline, they will have already gone through a lot of the grieving process during the illness. This doesn't feel like that at all though.
It's been 5 years, and I still do not talk to my mother's husband. She moved to PR after retirement with her husband. She came and stayed with me for several months then moved to another state to live with my sister who had small children at the time. Her husband stayed in PR with the excuse of fixing/repairing their house for her return. She found out she was terminal, and it took 6 months of BEGGING for him to go to be with her. After Mommy's passing, I found out he had been seeing this woman even before the hurricane.Your Dad was probably seeing this woman during your Mom's illness. You are not overreacting. My sister has gotten past it. I cannot. We all deal with situations differently.
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. But no, you're not overreacting and I would cut contact too. Be good to yourself. Prioritize your own mental health.
Nope, you have the right to cut him out of your life. Talk to the maternal side of your family and share that you believe his new wife is an affair partner.
>My mom died not even six months ago; one month after her death my dad let me know that he was dating someone, three months after her death they were engaged, and not even six months after her death, they are married.
So he was probably seeing her when your mother was still alive.
>is marrying a girl that I used to be friends with but we had a falling out for some pretty serious issues. She is closer to my age than his.
I've come to accept that I'll always be screaming internally.
>my dad essentially told me that he was choosing her over me along with a lot of other super hateful things so I've decided to cut him out of my life.
Sounds about right for men like him.
>This past weekend I went to a gathering with my mom's side of the family and he came and brought her!!!!
This is *insanely* disrespectful to her family.
>He came up to me and tried to chat but I immediately told him no, that I was not talking to him anymore.
He told you you were nothing to him, so you're just rocking that same energy.
>Also dealing with the people with the "he's still your dad..." comments are just too much
"No, he is my sperm donor, not my dad. As far as I'm concerned, my only parent was my mom".
Reading your edit, I can confidently say that your dad is a piece of shit, and never speaking to him again or even wanting him in your presence is completely justified.
Men do this when the wife dies and he does not want to be alone. Not overreacting. But try to stick by your dad. You do not have to be friends with her, but do not cut off your dad. He may need you in the future, when he leaves him for another man.
In time you need to go on a healing journey. Your mother died young and your dad creates trauma in the meantime if his purpose is to hurt you....ldk. fuck him. Punch him in the nose. Obviously it sounds like you're not going to be around him so I don't expect that to happen but if you're around him and he's pushing your buttons again.. let loose on him. He sounds like a tough guy and can handle it right,?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Being blood related does not give passes for being a jerk.
I cut my dad out when I turned 18 and was told how awful I was by both sides, parents were already divorced. Well years later when he died his obituary did not mention he had kids or grandkids even though my sister and her kids maintained a relationship with him. My niece was old enough to read it, after she brought him flowers.
Take care of yourself and your peace.
I've learned the hard way that sometimes the only way to respect a parent is to do so from afar. I ended my relationship with my mother last year and there is no going back. When a person likes who and how they are regardless of how it hurts other people, there's literally no where for the relationship to go other than how they want and if you're not comfortable with that, you should walk away and maintain your dignity and sanity.
Not overreacting. Your post hit home. My mom passed in August. I met my Dad's "friend" a month ago. She was definitely around while my mom was sick and down.
My dad started dating the day after my mom died. I originally thought he was cheating on her but after some conversations I think this was his coping and grief response, however he has dated many women and it’s been almost a year since she passed and he is on his forth “serious” girlfriend but not married. In your case maybe he was cheating since it was someone you know.
Like you mentioned in one of your comments I feel like my mom kept my dad in line and now he is insane and doing insane things for these women. I’m sorry you are going through this after the loss of your mom. Don’t think you are overreacting.
Not over reacting. He made his decision and said right from the beginning "I chose her over u" that's all that needs said. Keep him out of your life bc he NO father.
Depending on the circumstances involved w u and her having a falling out id question if she's w him to fuck w u and he was dumb enough to fall for that shit.
That is really soon,but you are all adults. I'm guessing he has been checked out the marriage for a loooong time, and only staying to look after your mom. Till death do us part, in sickness and in health, that means something. I can totally see getting a healthy young lady for company after years of seeing your partner slowly getting sicker and sicker. And i wouldn't be surprised if he was finding comfort in her arms towards the end. I would have more issue with the girl as she has proven to be a snake, rather than the age. If she is legal and consenting and happy, you get no say. Maybe try reaching out one more time. Just say I feel it is too soon after mom to be getting married,but this is your life and I do not want to fight over this. The main issue I have is your bride to be has previously shown she is not to be trusted, and I am trying to warn you about it.
Hes a man that can't function by himself so he needs to find another wife, it's a thing with many men. You can look it up.
They marry fast because they need someone to be their maid and cook.
Edit to add, id cut my dad off too. Toxic people make you toxic and its ok to cut toxic family members off.
Other family members say x are enablers of crap behavior.
Id cut everyone off that was toxic, it sets you free.
Not over-reacting.
This is a situation of choice - Your father decided to move on, that's his choice. How he chose to do so, the timing and spiteful comments towards his own daughter, also his choice. However, you also have a choice to distance yourself for your own sanity and out of respect for your late mother. It's in poor taste to invite his fiancée to this gathering, knowing how you feel about this person. Your father has no control over you nor can he demand that you accept him and his new life/relationship. If it no longer serves you to have him in your life, walk away. He is your father by title, but doesn't deserve your attention or concern. Live your life, your mother would have wanted it for you.
Next person to say that "he's still your dad", I'd reply with something like "I'm aware of how genetics work, thanks. What's your point?
You're so much nicer than me, I would say "Nah, both my parents died six months ago, I have no idea who this man is."
I have totally caught myself saying this. I feel bad, but also, why should I?
You should not!
You're also mourning not just your mother's death, but the death of your family. Regardless of reality, the common ideas are that families stick together, stick up for one another. Instead, your sperm donor cut you loose for what my dad would call a chippie in the same age range as his child. That attempt to make nice at the family gathering sounds performative, after what he told you in private. If your mom has any keepsakes from her family, take them. Photos, etc. Better than the chippie wearing your maternal grandmother's jewelry. Also see if she had a will filed. If your father is the executor, he might just pocket anything your mom left you. You might just want to walk away, but they don't deserve to profit off your mother, or erase her from existence. If she made a will, she deserves to have her wishes respected.
My brother and I have nothing to do with our dad anymore and when someone drops the “he’s still your dad” crap, my response is just “yes, but I didn’t have a say back then but I sure do now”
Perfect! And I'm sorry you lost your mom)
You shouldn’t he decided that your feelings are not important to him so why should you care about his??
I’d say, “he forfeited his rights as my dad when he cheated on my dying mother with my 30 year old ex- friend.” Glare at them directly in the eye and say, “how would you feel if your Dad did that to you. Look me in the eye and be honest. How the fuck would you feel?”
Love it!
“Yeah. He’s my dad. That makes it so much worse.”
I would say " I appericate his sperm donation to my.mother but that doesn't make him dad. "
Not overreacting. That is really fast and I would assume they were seeing each other before your mom died. If you don't want a relationship with him, then don't have one. Why is he showing up to a gathering of your mom's side with her? That is so disrespectful.
Unfortunately, my gut tells me that he was seeing her before she died too.
Ugh I'm sorry.
Not overreacting. I’m really sorry for your loss and your dad’s disgraceful behavior. If I were you I wouldn’t have anything to do with him especially since he told you how little he cares about your feelings 🙏🏻🙏🏻
I’m so sorry. You are not overreacting. Especially bc you have a bad past with this person and how your dad came at you about it was so wrong. You are grieving too.
No doubt. Hot pants saw an opportunity and jumped on him!
Did your mom have an autopsy? I'm not saying that to joke, or to be hurtful.
You're completely fine. She did not have an autopsy.
Was this an expected death? Was your mom ill?
She had been sick for a few months. I've already went down this rabbit hole for various reasons but then retracted because it's like do I mentally want to do this to myself.
Completely understood.
Don’t. I’ve been there and you’ll never get the answer. It will hurt you too much and cause you pain. Your mom wouldn’t want that. The way I try to get through it is I believe God saw EVERYTHING and knows. He can do so much more than I can so I gave it to him. Not that it doesn’t cross my mind on occasion but I can’t think about it or I’ll get stuck there. Sending much love to you OP
We are of like mind!
When they are ill they don’t do one. I really wish I’d pushed for one regardless
Gut does not lie.
You're probably right. My friend's dad started stepping out on her mother shortly after she started chemo. When my cousin was in a nursing home her husband actually brought his new GF to Thanksgiving at my aunt/uncle's house. She spent the day yakking about how she was planning to redecorate the house.
That’s probably true. What an asshole.
This is unfortunately not uncommon. A friend told me once that they counsel women with recent diagnoses like cancer about the very real possibility that the husband/boyfriend will leave. I’m really sorry about your mom. Stay NC with your dad. He sounds like a real gem. Not. Big hugs!
If you really want to be "that person" (and I would), hire a PI and get proof. It's always good to have in your back pocket to show to certain people. Plus your own peace of mind at not talking to him.
Not necessarily. Often widows are very lonely very quickly and look for companionship fast. I know 3 that tried to daye me withon months of their husbands death. I didnt go out with them, they all talked about their dead husband's way to much, felt like they were looking for anybody to be next to them and listen about it. Never got past talking stage but I'm sure plenty of people do.
Your dad was cheating before mom passed. To those that say that he's still your dad, tell them no he isn't he's the one that told me I wasn't important to him anymore. Why was he at your mom's family event showing off his trophy wife? She's isolating him from you.
Also just because he is your dad DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO HAVE A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP.
""He's still your dad." " Yeah, he put in his 30 seconds."
Anyone can be a sperm donor! It takes a man to be a dad!
> She’s isolating him from you I agree with everything else but hate this narrative. This is not on the new wife. This grown ass man chose this himself, he was very aware of his actions and how it would affect his relationship with his child and he did not care. He isolated himself, nobody did it for him.
Yea that's so strange.
"Also dealing with the people with the "he's still your dad..." comments are just too much" Being a sperm donor does not make a father... his actions do.
I've started referring to him as a sperm doner. 🤣 thank you for that
I had a sperm donor too and then I had a stepdad who WAS MY DAD, I loved him and always will, he's gone now but he will always be my dad. He was the one there for us, he never left us, he never abused us. He supported and took care of all 6 of his step kids as if we were his own. That is what a father does, a real man does!
A father is made by actions, not by DNA. My (bio) dad was great, but so many are a waste of space. There are some incredible guys out there though who really step up (pun unintended but apt) - I'm really glad you had one 😊
You've had a rough time of late and been dealt a shitty hand in regards to your dad. Never forget this is all on him... Stay strong and good luck.
Possibly use his first name too, to really drill in how over him you are!!!
I've done that too. Lol
I referred to my father as that and by his name for a looong time. He also left our family for a woman closer to my age than his. He brought her to my mother’s funeral when I was 19, and I almost punched his lights out. We didn’t speak for twenty years. My sister and I also went years without speaking, because she chose his side. Aside from that heinous bullshit, he’s lied, tried to control us, and even faked his own death just to “win.” When he showed up on my doorstep a year ago, I almost had an aneurism. We closed a few doors and opened a window or two, and now I can call him “my father” again. I will never love him or like him. But he is the reason I’m the father and husband I am. You can pretend your father is dead. Just try not to harbor anger or let him live rent free in your head. Release the grudge, but keep the no contact order.
Yeah seriously. "He's your dad" Well then maybe he should act like it???
Like so many others, my gut is telling me that your dad was cheating on your mom. Trust your gut.
Ages? Very relevant here. Culture/country? Also very relevant.
Sorry, didnt think about that. Dad is 58, the new woman is 37, I am 30. We're in the U.S.
They were definitely messing around before your mom passed, sorry you’re dealing with this.
Yeah, it’s pretty obvious. Sadly statistics show that a good percentage of men will divorce or cheat on their wives after the wife gets a serious illness.
I belong to a a female caregiver spouse group for early onset Alzheimer's. I was shocked at how many women didn't honor their wedding vows after their husband got ill. Sure, I can't have a complete relationship with my husband, but I can still respect my vow to stay married in sickness and in health. People are weak. In this case his father's crime is not dating the chick with a poor moral compass, it is in making sure he can dip his wick at the cost of alienating his son.
And if not physically, definitely emotionally involved.
This is called a hospice wife .. well maybe he’s not old enough for a hospice wife but it still tracks. My mom married someone I despised and I continued to despise him unapologetically and then she died and he went into a nursing home and no one talks to him. I had to separate my mom from her relationship. I told her I wouldn’t talk about their relationship whatsoever I don’t want to hear anything about how he’s making you miserable and we kept it like that for years. I would say if you have other reasons to go no contact an this is just the icing on the shit cake then do what you must. But if it was ok before the marriage then just ignore that part and set a boundary. She’s not allowed around you and he can’t talk about her. He most likely won’t like your boundaries and cut you off. Or if he crosses them then cut him off but you have to be clear.
Does your father have money? Could this former friend have heard you tell stories about your dad, decided he’s a meal ticket, and latched on? Pushed for a fast wedding? I’m not discounting an affair, but I’ve had a spiteful former friend who decided to screw with several aspects of my life simply because she decided to hold a grudge. She may be trying to scoop your inheritance.
You are not overreacting, I think you’re underreacting if anything. Less than 6 months later and hes remarrying to someone his child’s age?? That he knew while she grew up (I might be assuming that part). He might be your dad biologically but it can end there. Super creepy, so strange he isn’t showing any remorse, embarrassment or grief. Makes me think this relationship was going on before your mom passed. I truly hope not but the engagement is so odd.
You are not assuming, you are correct. We all grew up together and in church, no less. This girl and I used to be friends but had a pretty big falling out with some serious issues. Not getting in to that here, but yes. Odd is an excellent word.
It's always the church folks that are doing the worst and fucking around cheating on their spouses.
It really is though. I am no longer religious. If you want to find a snake, look in the church.
Be careful, snakes are everywhere.
Except Hawaii! hahaha
Absolutely
Your mom’s side of the family should have told him to fuck off. Tell him you will reveal his affair to everyone on her side of the family if you ever see him again.
If the only proof is anecdotal, everybody already suspects that the affair happened.
The only reason he was pretending to be a good person was something to do with your mom Marriage assets or money or community standing etc Now there are no reasons for him not to be himself My daughters dad is super abusive and people still tell her “but its your dad” Weve found asking them “If someone said/did this to you, would you feel safe around them? Would you continue a relationship with them?” The answer is usually no, if not “hmm that is a unique situation” or some dumb answer Youll have to force empathy with these types so dont be silent about the truth
I really think that my mom just kept him in line while she was here. He and I have bumped heads throughout life for various reasons but mostly because he was very controlling and I caught that. In my head it makes sense that my mom is gone and he feels like he can treat me or act however he wants.
I think this is such an underrated factor when a parent dies. In some cases, the parent that died was doing so much work managing the parent with mental health issues, that the kids are taken a back when the see the full load of the narricisim or contol issues or bi-polar or [fill in the blank here].
Agreed. I really had no idea how bad it was. It's like I never really even knew him.
You were right to cut him out of your life. He has no respect for you or your mother.
NOR. This is not suspicious at allllll. 🙄 Your future SMom, is doing this out of spite, or something more sinister. Either way, you have a right to NOT have any communication with whomever you choose. Keep your distance, for your mental health. The ones saying "he's still your dad", tell them they can go talk to him.
It’s not fast to him because she was his side check, and your mother’s passing made her the main chick. Not sure I would be so forgiving either, I do not think you’re overreacting. things like this take time. he’s had months, maybe even years of getting used to having her by his side, he needs to give you the same common courtesy. Another thing, if y’all were fighting, I wouldn’t put it past her to have made moves on your father just out of spite. “piss me off, I’ll become your stepmother.”
It is possible he wasn't cheating. I know some people just can't stand being alone and will move on fast. Cheating or no cheating, you have every right to be upset and to cut contact with your dad. Marrying someone so fast and closer to your age than his is definitely bizarre and he shouldn't expect you to just be ok with this. This was his choice and you cutting him off is a consequence of his actions.
Agreed. It’s very common for men to remarry quickly. Several of my friends have gone through this. No affair, but usually an opportunist or gold digger as the second (and younger) wife.
My best friend died. Just weeks later her widower was dating again. My mom's friend died, just months and her widower was married. I believe that this type of men don't stop and grieve, but try to move on and can't stand being alone. It is bizarre to me, but it has been seen often enough to be not unheard of. Not an excuse for being an asshole to your kid though.
That's really the story here, he maybe didn't cheat, its maybe even likely he didn't cheat. The problem is he has been a shitty Dad all of his life and never earned any benefit of the doubt for the OP to give him any.
Exactly this, still seems like she has 100s of reasons for going no contact and this is just one of them. He doesn't sound like he is a good person, whether he cheated or just fell in love with the young thing that took care of him while he was grieving really doesn't matter. She is going NC, because of tons of reasons and has no reason to give him any benefit of doubt because he never earned it.
Men tend to remarry pretty quickly but even by those standards Dad moved fast.
This is his life to live as he wants and it's your right to not like it or be around him, so don't. He is getting used as he uses her. They belong together. I am so sorry that you lost your mom and it's okay to not be around your dad if you don't want to be.
Similar situation. My mom passed 2/11/97 by 4/97 he was dating her by 7/97 they were married. My parents had been married 47 years and she was first one he dated after that length of time. She was 13 years younger and NEVER did anything not work, didn’t clean, didn’t cook, didn’t do laundry etc . My father and I were very close until then. For 20 years he defended ANYTHING she said or did. It never got better and for different lengths of time we didn’t speak. He passed away after being in hospital11 days . I went to hospital daily, she went once.
I feel ya on this one. My mom passed away 4 months ago at the end of Feb and my dad is now running around with this trashy looking woman who’s my age. She had the nerve to come to my mom’s funeral and introduce herself to me, and went on at length about what a great guy my dad was and how much everyone loved him. At the time, I had no idea who she was and just smiled and thanked her for coming to the service. Now I realize this whole thing must’ve started even before my mom passed away. It makes me feel sick to think about him disrespecting my mom like that; they were married for 64 yrs and she laid in the hospital dying with a brain tumor while he was out running around with a cheap tart. He called me last weekend on what would’ve been their wedding anniversary and said he was thinking about taking a trip to Vegas with “a friend”, and what would I think about him “making some changes in his life”. He’s nothing to me now.
Ahhh I am so sorry. I get it. The new woman was also at my mom's funeral and I look back and can't help but think the same thing. I hadn't seen her or her family for years prior to that. Ironic the timing.
He is your dad. You have his DNA. But that doesn't give him carte Blanche to be an asshole to you. You have the right to peace. You have the right to cut him off.
DNA is nothing when the person who gave it to you is NOTHING!
You’re not overreacting. However I have noticed that people who lose their spouses typically DO get married very quickly afterwards. Her being an old friend is absolutely sus!
Men do. It's been studied.
Yes! The older study says that 61 % of males get remarried within 25 months. And some of them within weeks or months of their spouse’s death.
I am a numbers person by trade and totally looked this up already. 😆 Thank you for sharing!
Yw!
25 months is quick but can be understandable imo. 6 months is crazy. 2 years vs 6 months is a big difference in this context
These are the stats. I do agree with you though. And truthfully, I’ve seen it in real life. 36 months and 3 months.
Oh yeah wasn’t rebutting the stats just pointing out the difference in quality between the extreme ends of the range
You make a good point. I don’t particularly understand how someone could be so extreme as to move on in 6 months.
I was horrified when my uncle started talking about the qualities he wanted in his next wife before my aunt’s funeral. She wasn’t even in the ground yet. He was married 2 months later, the new wife divorced him after she blew through his inheritance. I felt no sympathy.
Not overreacting Avoid them and both everybody that are on your dads side
God damit this is house of the dragon.
This is the second comment like this. Now I need to watch. Haha
nah not over reacting. my dad got remarried 8 months after my mom was killed in an accident and it’s been a whirlwind of shit since
What the fuck. I cant even imagine what you must feel about it. Sorry.
OP, I am so sorry for your loss. We are just never grown up enough to not have their momma. My mom passed four years ago due to COVID and my dad started dating again just over a year later. I’m 47 years old and I STRUGGLED. I still struggle when I visit and I’m reminded that my mom is really and truly gone and there is someone else in my dads life. (Not married or living together). I cannot fathom what you must be feeling right now. It is a mindf@&k trying to wrap your head around all of your conflicting feelings. On one hand nobody wants their parent to be lonely and stuck in grief. For me him moving on made me question his love for her. How can he be with someone else and my world and heart is still shattered in a million pieces? I felt like he was betraying my mom. I honestly don’t know if I would have been able to overcome these feelings if it was immediately after she died. You are allowed to honestly express your feelings to your dad. I encourage you to have an open dialogue about both your perspectives. Some people honestly just can’t do life without someone to share it with. Not that I in ANYWAY condone or accept cheating, but maybe he was pulling away from your mom because it just hurt too much to face. Watching your loved one die is a long and torturous goodbye. Give yourself some grace and time. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to scream and cry at the top of your lungs like a feral animal. Let all the rage out. If you try to hold it all in you will explode. If you need space, please take it. You’re entitled to heal in the way you’re spirit needs. I apologize ahead of time if this in any way offends you, that is sincerely not my intention. Have you tried praying for both your dad and his new wife? I know it sounds batshit crazy, that’s what I thought when it was suggested to me. When I was going through my divorce I was so filled with hate towards my ex husband that I couldn’t imagine not hating him and having to play nice for eternity. So I started praying every day that he would have a good day, that he would only have green lights, that his soccer team won, that he was happy, etc. I prayed even though I didn’t mean a word of what I was saying. I don’t know how or why but one morning I realized that I actually wanted good things for him. I had to start praying for my dads girlfriend, (honestly, I said only Hail Mary’s at first because she’s Jewish and doesn’t believe in Mary🤣), hey gotta start somewhere. I am wrapping you up in the best momma hug I know how to give. Definitely not overreacting.
My mom died 7 years ago. Her fiance was on METH and he didn't even start dating again til like 2 years after that... Your dad sucks I'm so sorry. I'll tell my mom to find your mom so they can make fun of that skank together 🥹🙏🏻❤️ maybe they can work some heavenly mom magic 🪄✨ love you OP
NOR. I agree with many others, it sounds like they were seeing each other before your mom's passing. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss and I hope you're coping as well as possible
He's an AH, go NC.
You're reacting as any sane person would. He told you he cared more about his trophy wife more than he cares about you.
Oh my. Even if it were a decent person he was marrying, that would be really hard and you’d have every right to not feel okay with it. But someone your age, who you had a falling out with? That’s just fucked up. I’m so sorry this is happening. Set boundaries and take care of yourself as best as you can through all this.
Maybe the appropriate response to those who say he’s still your father is along the lines of ‘physically yes but he’s already told me only his new wife matters in his life so I’m simply honoring his wishes.’
That’s heartbreaking. No, you’re not overreacting. I would cut him out of my life and never see or speak to either one of them ever again. They are both dead to you now. They no longer exist in your world. Block them everywhere. If you see them , pretend they are strangers you’ve never met before and don’t acknowledge them. Walk away. The people that say, “he’s still your Dad….” are full of shit. Don’t listen to them.
oh honey i’m sorry, you’re not overreacting. my did did the exact same thing lol. wasn’t with me or my sisters on my moms first death anniversary and proposed to her the day after. it’s not easy, he abandoned me, my daughter, his other grandchild, and my four sisters and replaced us with his wife and her son. when he got married none of us attended the wedding and i’ve just begun talking to him. my doctor and psych told me that this is typical of men. for my dad I know it’s mostly grief but also pure selfishness. my dad did the EXACT same thing he’s doing to you. remember it’s not your fault it’s on him and sooner or later his happiness will fade and he’ll feel deep remorse over what he’s done. my dad looks horrible now and my youngest sister who lives with him says he drinks all the time now. you have to focus on you, you matter and your mom would want you happy. i’m slowly rebuilding a relationship with him because hr i’d my daughter’s father figure but put up boundaries and guard your heart. again, YOU need to focus on yourself. you are grieving and you will for the rest of your life. message me if you want to talk 💕
Thank you so much! I appreciate you! 💕
Dude my dad married a friend of mine 6 months after my mom died. I've not spoken with him in 15 years. Good luck.
Was he (and she) invited to the gathering? Who hosted, where they asked to leave? Have you heard other family member’s thoughts on the situation? Trying to gain perspective.
My dad likes to play the victim always..."oh whoa is me, look at me, blah blah blah." One person invited him and him only because he thought that my dad needed it. Like needed to be around people. Then he brought her. After he walked up to me and I told him that I wasnt going to talk, he really didn't stay long after. The rest of the family was shocked and all kind of rallied around me. No one knew what was happening. I tried to kind of keep everything private because why would I want to announce that my life is falling apart, you know? I did end up telling them what happened with all of the screenshots and everything. Because I realize this may sound crazy.
Not over reacting. I went through an almost identical situation with my dad, although it wasn’t an old friend of mine, it was his brothers ex wife. We were estranged for ten years until he finally apologised to me and now we are attempting to navigate a relationship. It’s so hard and I wish you all the best.
Why would your mother’s side have him and the new partner to something of theirs?
No one there knew he was seeing someone, let alone invited her. He always portrays himself as the victim, so naturally, one of them thought "well poor guy, let's invite him." He won't be there next year. They all said that.
Hopefully one of them let him have it and told him straight, nothing short of what he would deserve! I’m sure with support from your mother’s family you will do well..and it’s his loss just remember that!
You dad, op, is super fuckin gross 🤮
You are not overreacting. Same happened when my mother died, and we’re nearly positive he was seeing \*her\* best friend for a while before her death. It’s an ugly, tragic story, but, my siblings and I get how you feel. So sorry.
Many men are unable to deal with illness. They no longer get the attention they think they are owed because the illness is prioritized. Married three months after your mom died, he was definitely seeing her. I will stand corrected if your dad was by her side through it all.
Not overreacting at all. Widowers marrying quickly after the loss of a spouse is very high. My Mom died Jan 2023 and he's getting married this October. He has been incredibly thoughtless throughout this time. I love him dearly, but the loss of my Mom made it all the more clear that I was raised by my Mom and have very little in common with my Dad. I will likely go low contact with him in the future as his future wife is not someone any of us like. You don't have to be close to someone or even talk to them at all just because they are family. You are not required to approve of or get to know anyone a family member brings into their life. If I can put up with her, I will try to because I love my Dad. But, if she and him become the mess I expect they will, I will be absolutely done with my Dad. It's painful with fathers because they do not typically have an EQ, or at least mine doesn't, and mine thought ignoring us until Mom died was 'what every father does'. I hope you have people in your life that watch out for you and that you can talk to. I really appreciate seeing my psychologist, maybe that's an option for you too. She helped me see that I don't have to try with people because they are blood when they are hurting me.
I would’ve kicked him in the balls and let them decide how much longer they’ll be staying at the event. I’d proudly take the assault charge too fck him. Definitely didn’t overreact
Ugh men can not be alone it’s disgusting
NOR. Your Dad is pussy blasted and nothing is going to change that. He’d sell your soul to get her a pair of heels 👠 if she said for him to do it. Unfortunately he’s turned into a pathetic old man who will regret this someday . You don’t owe him or anyone else a damn thing. He’s deplorable in what he’s done. I hope you managed to grab some special pieces of your mom’s jewelry or her favorite serving dish or something as he will sell all of it and won’t think twice. I wish you well.
All these dopey friends and relatives that always want to act like everything is normal when it isn’t and placate the offenders at the expense of everyone else. Disgusting! He shouldn’t have even been invited.
Omg your dad is so gross that’s insane I’m so upset for you!!!!!!!
Not overreacting. I'm so sorry you're father is such a profound ah. I think you've done the right thing. Good riddance.
Some men can't be alone. I think a lot of them marry the woman who's there when they decide to get married and when she's gone they replace her quickly. Or sometimes they find a replacement before they leave the wife. Really, any woman will do for some men because all they want is a bang maid.
Nah, your dad was dating her for months before your mum died. Possibly before she was even ill. To announce the relationship and then marriage so quickly? Could have been a couple years. I'm surprised your mum's side of the family haven't suspected that already and allowed him and that woman to come to their family gathering after the clear disrespect he's shown your mother and you. He's not part of the their family and if anything he's spit on all of them by spitting on her and you.
All the people saying ^*BuT ^hE's ^YoUr ^DaD* if he wasn't, you'd have no reason to talk to him so why is it exceptable for a parent to treat you this way when you wouldn't allow a stranger to? Your "friend" is a cunt and to me it seems like she was probably involved before mom was gone. Tell dear old dad to pound sand and that the choice was either you and the loss of your mom or your friend and he chose your friend, bc yes that was a fair ultimatum. How long had mom been in the ground before girly was in her bed? Tell her she's sick to be moaning a man's name who was still telling his wife he lived her less than 2 weeks before she was involved, IF she even waited to be involved.
I’m sorry this happened for you. It couldn’t be more of a gut punch. Do you know if maybe your mom and dad talked about his moving on after her death? I have had these sorts of conversations with my husband but never my kids which makes me think I should. For me personally and this is not to mean harm, I do not want my husband mourning my death til his own. I would love for him to move on and find love again. We are only human.
No I don’t think you’re over reacting. Everyone on here trying to like turn this into a fairy tale gossip column saying things like “he was definitely cheating on your mom with her” is over reacting though. To give your dad the benefit of the doubt, grief affects people differently. That said, it’s definitely weird and I’d be frustrated and id be upset about it too. Don’t listen to everyone else making up stories about what they think happened or is going on based on the paragraph of information you gave though. That shits dumb.
It's super common for men who are widowed to remarry very quickly.
NTA. The fact he's moved on so quickly would obviously be upsetting. The fact that he's so dismissive of your feelings says a lot about him. Family members and friends who say the "he's still your dad" should also recognise that yes he's your dad, but you don't have to like your dad. Your his daughter, so why aren't those same people giving him shit about his attitude towards you, or does "family loyalty" only go one way? Yes he's got the right to move on with whom ever he wants, just like you've got the right to say "I don't want any part of it". Dear ole dad doesn't get to force his choices on you, just because he's dad, hes not seeking your approval, he seems to be delighting in rubbing your nose in it. Those with opinions on this in your family, you should ask "why" when you actually put people on the spot and lay out all the reasons why, and ask them to put themselves in your shoes, you'll find it shuts them down. Condolences on the loss of your mom.
Women grieve. Men replace. You're not overreacting, but realize that he isn't either. He can't tell you what to do, and the reverse applies. You're not obligated to like his choices, or even associate with him and his new GF, but you can't tell him it's wrong, either, because *for him*, it isn't.
Bullshit. You can 100% call people out for their actions, especially ones that harm you. The father sent horrible messages to OP, showed up at a family event WHERE HE ISNT EVEN RELATED, and married a woman that hurt OP in the past. If anything, OP has been TOO nice here. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you don’t get called out on obscene behavior.
Yesss, 110% agreed. I'd upvote this a million times if I could. 🤣 I have a hard time seeing how his behavior is not "wrong." And agree that I may have been too nice. Also, struggeled to create boundaries growing up because of how I was raised which did not help this situation with him at all. I can definitely admit fault there.
My grandpa did the same. Was married roughly 6 months after my grandmother died. The joke was (sadly) on him. He’d done well in life and was relatively wealthy, but not a good partner…married 4 times to 3 women…(yes, married and divorced my bio grandma twice!) And he was always bitter about the women in his life screwing him over financially in the divorces, and his late wife left her assets to her kids…so…he decided he needed a new woman to cook and clean for him, and sought out to find one who was already well to do for herself, so he didn’t even have to cover “the expense” of keeping a woman. He found a con woman…who convinced him she would be Suzie Homemaker and who had a multimillion dollar settlement about to be paid to her. My grandfather rushed to lock that shit down while all of us tried to tell him to take his time, no need to rush in. She and her convict son took him for all he was worth and he died penniless and abused. (The son moved in and would literally isolate and beat him and make him sign things over and sold off his belongings and stole his financial assets.) He was too proud to admit he was wrong until it was too late to help him recover anything and basically had a rapid decline and gave up on life, dying within a couple of years of this experience.
This isn’t a man vs. woman thing. Some people just cannot be alone. I know a woman who has been widowed 3 times and is married to husband #4. It’s just the way some people are.
This. My dad moved on super fast- not this fast but was seriously dating by June and my mom passed in December before. It was a mistake. But sometimes people have to learn the hard way.
From a psychological point of view, that phrase “women grieve, men replace” can actually be disputed quite heavily. Modernly, we recognize grief to be much more complex- although it is unique in men vs women. It is true that many men choose to grieve through replacing their late wife, but this is often harmful to others. There’s more of a push for men to recognize their grief and treat it aggressively instead of passively. Meaning, men should pursue specific grief counseling or groups instead of instrumental means. Interesting how psychology has changed over time.
Response to first sentence - overgeneralization about men. Some men do grieve. Response to last sentence - yes, she can give old man a piece of her mind, if she is so inclined to. Maybe somewhere in there the message will settle in. At least then he knows where she stands.
I disagree. He said he was choosing this woman over his daughter and a lot of other hurtful things
I’m your father’s age. My wife has had numerous serious medical issues in the last fifteen years. I have often wondered what I would do if I lost her. She’s my everything. I don’t think that I could live on my own for long. I would either find someone else soon or I would end myself. I would hate to do that to my adult children but life would just be too painful.
I am so sorry to hear about your wife. Can I just say, that had my dad and I not struggeled all my life and had he not acted in such a way to me, I would probably be fine with it. I've had family members in similar situations and completely get it. I was genuinely happy for them. I think a willingness to listen and understand each other goes a long way. I did not have that.
Men are statistically faster to marry again, likely because they don’t have a caregiver any more..
He told you he’s choosing her over you. You’re not overreacting and you did the right thing. “He’s still your dad” - no, he forfeited that title when he choose someone else over me
I love calling people out, so I would say “So, since I already know, how long before Mum died did you start seeing each other?” If they try to deny it, gaslight them into believing you have proof. Because gut feelings are rarely wrong and that timeline is shit as hell. I’m so sorry you’re going through this ❤️
Your mother is dead. He's doing nothing wrong. And if she had a long term disease they probably discussed what he's going to do after or even had him start before. You can feel a type of way or whatever, but it's overreacting imo
No. Not overreacting at all. Gross and disrespectful behavior on your dad’s and former friend’s part.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's spending a bunch of money on her. Unless he's wealthy he could end up broke.
INFO: How did your mother die?
Not overreacting. I hate how all of the emotional burden is being placed on you. I'm really sorry and hope you can move past all this. Is it possible to move away so you don't have to deal with any of these people anymore?
He literally told you he was picking her over you. I would say that to the aholes who say “he is still your dad”. He ceased being your dad the second he said he was choosing this woman over you.
Not over reacting. It is possible that they were seeing each other before your mom's death, but it is possible they were not. People who remarry quickly after a spouse passing usually means they had a good marriage. You and your dad should take a few therapy sessions together. You are feeling hurt how quickly your dad 'replaced' your mom. You are especially hurt because the woman she chose is twenty years younger and someone you don't like. His perspective may be that he and your mom talked about this prior to her death and she would have wanted him to find someone new. If he had waited two years would that have made the situation better? Because you don't really have a right to like his new wife or want her to be a certain age. 58 - 37 age gap is quite out of the ordinary, but 37 is almost middle age so in this case the ages are irrelevant. It's fine to have low contact until you've processed this. But cutting him out completely seems a bit of a teenager response, not a 30 year old's response.
This is such a hard thing. I don't know what your parent's marriage was like, or what your Mom's illness/death was like. Your Dad's grief may have been a very different experience and process than it was for you. He lost a spouse, you lost a parent. They are very different things. You are entitled to take as long as you need for your grief. You are not ready for him to be dating, marrying, etc. - and definitely not ready for that person to be presented in social situations, or being a "step-mom" - particularly because it is someone you don't have warm feelings for anyhow. You are not over reacting that you aren't ready for this. As a father he is failing to understand the grief you are experiencing - and he should be meeting you where you are at emotionally. This doesn't mean that he grieves the same way - but that he appreciates and understands that your loss was profound and you are not open to this other woman and his new relationship. So, you are not wrong for wanting your space. I am sorry that your Dad doesn't "get it." His loss. I hope you are able to have the help and support of a therapist and some people who won't fall back on "but he is your Dad." Right now you have lost both your parents when your mother died - that is profoundly painful.
Here is a sad fact that I have seen a dozen times in real life. Men do not like to be alone. In the course of my considerable years I have seen a number of adult friends blindsided when their male parent remarried within months of their mother’s death. These men were not cheating. They just were not used to being alone and married very quickly so they would not have to be.
The timing and age gap are both disgusting. I’m sorry.
Your dad was cheating on your mum . You're not overreacting!
That is rather disgusting but also sadly kinda common. A friend of mine died suddenly. Her husband barely waited to get her in the ground and was very publicly dating, trotting out the woman of the week all over his social media. It took him about 2 years of constant dating to find someone that was willing to get engaged. He went zero to super serious with every one he dated. It seemed like he was shopping for a replacement wife. My ex did something similar. The minute I kicked him out he started speed dating through town and refused to cooperate with the divorce until he found someone willing to be in a relationship with him.
He’s disgusting and so is she. I’m really sorry you lost both your parents when your mother passed. I hope your maternal family has been supportive and comforting in this time.
Doesn't sound like you're overreacting at all in this case. The way your dad moved on seems too eager, and grossly celebratory. I feel like. *sometimes* a widowed spouse can appear from the outside to be moving on pretty quickly. But if they've been dealing with a long decline, they will have already gone through a lot of the grieving process during the illness. This doesn't feel like that at all though.
You need to make this super public and tell everyone, especially if your father was grooming your friend Red Flags everywhere OP!
It's been 5 years, and I still do not talk to my mother's husband. She moved to PR after retirement with her husband. She came and stayed with me for several months then moved to another state to live with my sister who had small children at the time. Her husband stayed in PR with the excuse of fixing/repairing their house for her return. She found out she was terminal, and it took 6 months of BEGGING for him to go to be with her. After Mommy's passing, I found out he had been seeing this woman even before the hurricane.Your Dad was probably seeing this woman during your Mom's illness. You are not overreacting. My sister has gotten past it. I cannot. We all deal with situations differently.
nta your mother's death being the vehicle of finding out your father was cheating is brutal, I am so sorry
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. But no, you're not overreacting and I would cut contact too. Be good to yourself. Prioritize your own mental health.
He totally did it.
You are not overreacting.
You're not overreacting. So disrespectful to carry on like that so soon after your mother's passing. I'd be pissed too.
Isn’t this literally the plot of house of dragons?
I have never seen that. I'm sure it's the plot of a Dr. Phil episode though. 🤣
He’s your sperm donor, not your dad. A real dad would not do this.
My Dad got remarried after 3 months. And moved them in 4 months after. There's 4 of them. One lady. And 3 teen children. 14-20
Nope, you have the right to cut him out of your life. Talk to the maternal side of your family and share that you believe his new wife is an affair partner.
Do what makes you feel better. He is.
You are not overreacting. Your feelings are valid. You decide how you want to handle it, don't let anyone else tell you what to do.
>My mom died not even six months ago; one month after her death my dad let me know that he was dating someone, three months after her death they were engaged, and not even six months after her death, they are married. So he was probably seeing her when your mother was still alive. >is marrying a girl that I used to be friends with but we had a falling out for some pretty serious issues. She is closer to my age than his. I've come to accept that I'll always be screaming internally. >my dad essentially told me that he was choosing her over me along with a lot of other super hateful things so I've decided to cut him out of my life. Sounds about right for men like him. >This past weekend I went to a gathering with my mom's side of the family and he came and brought her!!!! This is *insanely* disrespectful to her family. >He came up to me and tried to chat but I immediately told him no, that I was not talking to him anymore. He told you you were nothing to him, so you're just rocking that same energy. >Also dealing with the people with the "he's still your dad..." comments are just too much "No, he is my sperm donor, not my dad. As far as I'm concerned, my only parent was my mom". Reading your edit, I can confidently say that your dad is a piece of shit, and never speaking to him again or even wanting him in your presence is completely justified.
Definitely not overreacting. That is ridiculous.
Men do this when the wife dies and he does not want to be alone. Not overreacting. But try to stick by your dad. You do not have to be friends with her, but do not cut off your dad. He may need you in the future, when he leaves him for another man.
hell no. Your dad is disgusting
In time you need to go on a healing journey. Your mother died young and your dad creates trauma in the meantime if his purpose is to hurt you....ldk. fuck him. Punch him in the nose. Obviously it sounds like you're not going to be around him so I don't expect that to happen but if you're around him and he's pushing your buttons again.. let loose on him. He sounds like a tough guy and can handle it right,?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Being blood related does not give passes for being a jerk. I cut my dad out when I turned 18 and was told how awful I was by both sides, parents were already divorced. Well years later when he died his obituary did not mention he had kids or grandkids even though my sister and her kids maintained a relationship with him. My niece was old enough to read it, after she brought him flowers. Take care of yourself and your peace.
I've learned the hard way that sometimes the only way to respect a parent is to do so from afar. I ended my relationship with my mother last year and there is no going back. When a person likes who and how they are regardless of how it hurts other people, there's literally no where for the relationship to go other than how they want and if you're not comfortable with that, you should walk away and maintain your dignity and sanity.
Not overreacting. Your post hit home. My mom passed in August. I met my Dad's "friend" a month ago. She was definitely around while my mom was sick and down.
your father is terrible, sorry
My dad started dating the day after my mom died. I originally thought he was cheating on her but after some conversations I think this was his coping and grief response, however he has dated many women and it’s been almost a year since she passed and he is on his forth “serious” girlfriend but not married. In your case maybe he was cheating since it was someone you know. Like you mentioned in one of your comments I feel like my mom kept my dad in line and now he is insane and doing insane things for these women. I’m sorry you are going through this after the loss of your mom. Don’t think you are overreacting.
Im sorry OP your guts never can lie😔
Not over reacting. He made his decision and said right from the beginning "I chose her over u" that's all that needs said. Keep him out of your life bc he NO father. Depending on the circumstances involved w u and her having a falling out id question if she's w him to fuck w u and he was dumb enough to fall for that shit.
That is really soon,but you are all adults. I'm guessing he has been checked out the marriage for a loooong time, and only staying to look after your mom. Till death do us part, in sickness and in health, that means something. I can totally see getting a healthy young lady for company after years of seeing your partner slowly getting sicker and sicker. And i wouldn't be surprised if he was finding comfort in her arms towards the end. I would have more issue with the girl as she has proven to be a snake, rather than the age. If she is legal and consenting and happy, you get no say. Maybe try reaching out one more time. Just say I feel it is too soon after mom to be getting married,but this is your life and I do not want to fight over this. The main issue I have is your bride to be has previously shown she is not to be trusted, and I am trying to warn you about it.
Forgot to say…. Not overreacting
Hes a man that can't function by himself so he needs to find another wife, it's a thing with many men. You can look it up. They marry fast because they need someone to be their maid and cook. Edit to add, id cut my dad off too. Toxic people make you toxic and its ok to cut toxic family members off. Other family members say x are enablers of crap behavior. Id cut everyone off that was toxic, it sets you free.
I’m sorry. You’re still grieving your mother. I don’t blame you for feeling this way about your father and the new wife. You’re not overreacting.
Not over-reacting. This is a situation of choice - Your father decided to move on, that's his choice. How he chose to do so, the timing and spiteful comments towards his own daughter, also his choice. However, you also have a choice to distance yourself for your own sanity and out of respect for your late mother. It's in poor taste to invite his fiancée to this gathering, knowing how you feel about this person. Your father has no control over you nor can he demand that you accept him and his new life/relationship. If it no longer serves you to have him in your life, walk away. He is your father by title, but doesn't deserve your attention or concern. Live your life, your mother would have wanted it for you.