*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**I (40 M) messed up so bad with my wife (40 F) that she wants to leave me, what do I do?**
Throwaway account, but here goes. I (40+ M) have been married to Wife (40+ F) for over 20 years. I don't like to think I'm a bad guy, but I have been. From very early in our relationship there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do. I couldn't let it go, and for reasons a little beyond my comprehension, I didn't see the bigger picture and thought I was right and deserving. It became nearly the sole point of contention in our relationship and every couple of weeks or months there was a fight about it.
Honestly for me, I didn't like the fights, but thought I was right and after the fight thought the relationship was good and she would come around someday. I've learned that for her, it just caused her despair and anxiety that really never went away. She doesn't think there were any good times because for her those times were just spent wondering when the next fight would happen.
This continued for a long time when eventually she just started withholding any affection at all. We mostly stopped fighting about the old issue but now I started fighting about getting affection. It got worse and worse to the point where I became severely depressed. Instead of realizing I was the problem (cause I still thought I was right) I began drinking in secret, something she really was against. I got away with it for a while but then did something really really stupid and got caught. Things got really chilly after that.
Then about 2 years ago that whole past issue resurfaced (stupid social media) and I thought that maybe if I could just explain to her how I felt then she would understand. Against better advice, I brought it all up again. That was very clearly the wrong thing to do, even though it was the beginning of me seeing that I was the problem. I broke her, or more like I let out all the anger she had been holding in for so long.
It was then that I began to realize how wrong I was, how much I had hurt her, how much I had lost over stuff so stupid. I saw that I had some serious personality flaws and maybe a little autism as well. This didn't happen in an instant, but it started that day when I saw on her face how much I'd hurt her and how much she hates me. Since then there has been no actual relationship at all. We are like roommates that sometimes sleep in the same room (but no contact at all).
So here's the deal. I clearly haven't shown it in the right way, but I love her very much. She is my world and I would do anything for her. I'm truly sorry and regretful for the pain I've caused her and I want more than anything to be able to make up for my past actions, at least to the extent possible. I realized that I ruined a lot of chances at good things and I won't ever get those back and that I'll never again regain the love that she had for me at one time, but I want to try and make things as good as possible from now on. She wants to end the marriage but we have kids and a life and I love her and can't just let her go. The idea of not being around for her and my kids makes me sick and I honestly don't have interest in other women. I've said I'll do anything for another chance, but she doesn't believe that I've really had a change of heart and she doesn't believe anything I say. She has no want for material possessions and grand gestures do not sway her. She refuses to go to any couples counseling or therapy or retreat stuff. What can I do to convince her that I really do see the big picture and I've been able to let the other things go?
Note: I'm sure there will be lots of responses to just let her go. I'm aware of that option. I'm looking for things I can do which does not lead to the destruction of my marriage and family.
TLDR: I messed up really bad (been a selfish ass) for a long time and now my wife wants to leave me. Nothing I can do persuades her to give me another chance. Looking for advice.
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OOP is likely being vague as fuck because he knows the specifics of his shitty behaviour will make even more people agree with his wife's decision to leave. I find with people like that, they're almost always knowingly in the wrong but, want Internet strangers to validate them. I hope the wife manages to leave him safely and successfully.
Jesus tap dancing titty fucking Christ when will these assholes stop blaming their abusive behavior on autism? Autism doesn’t make you abusive you fucking coconuts. Autism makes you more likely to be targeted by abusers. You can’t just be like “I didn’t realize my partner was distressed from my behavior because I have autism teehee” that’s not what missing social cues mean. It means we forget to ask questions back to a person asking questions about us. Or that we can’t read facial expressions that well but we can tell when someone is fucking fighting with us. This pisses me off so goddamn much!
I’m autistic, my husband is autistic, my daughter is autistic. Somehow we all manage to be polite and considerate and loving to one another. Autism means you’re crappy at understanding social cues and you tend to get a weensy bit obsessed with things. It doesn’t turn you into a monster.
Yes! And these twerps that go around blaming their horrific behavior on autism just make society at large look at neurodivergent people with more judgement. We don’t need that!
Well is “obsessed” about “something” for 20 years- enough to badger her monthly for 20 fricken years.
Also to add: for some autism is also about sensory overload (primary symptom for me -female who masks well and can appear to “get”social cues while actually being kind of lost all the time) and also interesting ways of processing things- not quite like everyone else
You nailed it perfectly. I wish they could get it thru their concrete lined skulls, but they’re abusive assholes to the end
Edit: spelling & yeah, isn’t it pathetically hilarious that instead of being even an iota accountable, they all flock to the internet in hopes of a sad little echo chamber
I'm an autistic person and have struggled with emotional self-regulation. But I've gone to therapy for it and have never used it as an excuse to be a POS.
>Autism makes you more likely to be targeted by abusers.
The story of my life with my father.
My abusive ex hopped on the 'Don't blame me, I'm autistic!' train after I dumped him. Never was diagnosed, never saw a doctor, just started texting me one day that I had to forgive him and take him back because autism.
My ex is a narcissistic nightmare, I highly, *highly* doubt he's autistic. I really hope no one falls for it, he seemed to think he'd found a get out of jail free card to use on me... I can easily see a more naïve person believing him if he told them that from the get go, rather than as a last ditch effort to keep a victim- er, I mean girlfriend.
I hope he has the life he deserves…as in, I hope he is constantly stepping on legos, restaurants constantly lose his reservation, he accidentally poops himself in public anytime he tried to flirt with someone, and he always had dry mouth
The heat I've gotten in the past for making comments to the end of "your partner is not your parent" and "your diagnosis is not your fault but itbis your responsibility" are wild.
So many enablers and abusers claiming that if you don't enable your partners worst habits and cater to their problems you're a loveless monster. He's autistic, she should just give him her bum. It isn't his fault he doesn't know no means no after 20 years.
>“I didn’t realize my partner was distressed from my behavior because I have autism teehee”
This was my ex husband's go to when he'd be sitting there completely stone faced or annoyed when I'd be upset. It was distressing, especially since I SAW him be capable of love and comfort when it didn't have to do with how HIS shitty actions impacted me. Ramped up to full on mocking me while I was crying, or telling me I was faking it for attention.
His response to me being like "wtf??" was usually 'omg I'm just probably autistic! I don't do well with emotions! My dad is the same way' and yet he knew exactly how HE wanted to be comforted and loved by me when he was in distress.
Another autistic checking in, with a heaping helping of trauma issues besides. Never once felt the need to berate someone endlessly over something they clearly said they didn't want.
I have trouble understanding nuance. I might miss a cue if my wife isn't explicit or might miss my mother-in-law being passive aggressive and take her literally.
I take it as a point of pride that i've never been so "autistic" that "No I don't want your penis in my pooper" is a hard concept to grasp.
This guy sucks.
My flavor of missing social cues is that I did not realize during high school that I was being bullied lol. But yeah, I have never been an abusive asshole because of my autism. This guy sucks like a Hoover.
It's anal, isn't it? She did it with a previous partner, probably didn't enjoy it and didn't want to do it again, with OOP or anyone. And this entitled clown tanked his relationship and marriage because 'why did the other dude get to do it but I won't?'.
Because they've rotted their brains with porn, and think all women can take a 9 inch cock in their butt with ease. Never mind that these women are experienced with it, that they prep with toys behind the scenes, and that they are being paid to fake enjoyment in it.
As a woman with some trauma surrounding anal, I'm so sick of guys trying to convince me it'll be totally different and better with them. As though it's some personal challenge to push past my trauma.
Same with the trauma. Any guy who pressures me with anal isn't getting anything but left and blocked. They can thank guys like OOP and the dudes who think they can get away with sticking it in "on accident" as if that won't result in the unsuspecting victim screaming loud enough to wake the neighbors and bleeding all over the bed. (Not all victims of course, maybe just me.)
Like no, bro. Sexy time is over the second it becomes rape.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I consented, but there was pressure to do so. Then I sat in the bathroom quietly freaking out about how I was bleeding and in pain. I tell guys the same thing: don't complain about women not doing anal, tell your bros not to ruin it for them by pressuring them and being too rough.
Or a guy trying to tell you that it's a way for you to show him you really care about him and trust him. Like it's some kind of trust building exercise essential for a healthy relationship.
Especially since it’s always the same guys who think they shouldn’t have to change themselves for a partner.
They should accept me for who I am!!!! And I deserve the butt stuff, even if they don’t want to, that’s just being a good girlfriend!!!
Well, I was referring to the male performers in porn, not the guys watching it. Point being, in porn, they see women getting done in the butt with really big dicks like it's nbd.
As a bi guy with a bit of experience anal shouldn’t hurt if you do it right. You go slow. You use lots of lube. You communicate. You care about your partner and how it feels. The problem is a lot of these guys have only seen porn where pain is often faked and almost always eroticized and assume that is normal.
Also pressuring anyone into it is wrong. It is also not some magical experience that scores you sex points or something. It is just a way to have sex. If you want novelty there are lots of other things to try that your partner would be more up for.
Idiots!
I agree with you on every part except that it shouldn’t hurt if don’t right. Some people genuinely just don’t enjoy it because there is pain no matter what they do. Spoken from experience. It’s just not for everyone.
But you’re right, there isn’t enough care and patience utilised when trying.
You're correct in your approach, but there are also some anatomical differences between men and women that can make receiving anal more difficult, more risky, and less pleasurable for women, no matter how well prepared and lubed she is, or how conscientious the penetrator is (and no, I don't just mean the prostate; rather than placement of the anus, skin thickness, etc). Some women can enjoy it if done correctly, but many/most cannot. But a lot of straight/bi guys just can't let it go.
From observation, discussion and experience, I think the fact is that we don't actually need the deep penetration guys think we do when it comes to anal. Vaginal sex is improved by penetration because of the A spot, but if one has a vagina and no prostate, similarly deep anal isn't necessarily going to be pleasurable.
It's actually the clitoris that is being stimulated when a woman has anal sex, because like a mushroom, what you see of the clit is just the top bit you can see. It extends down the labia majora, and a lot of nerves cluster around the anus that stimulate the clitoris. Plus, the anal and vaginal walls are thin enough that anything penetrating the anus can also hit the G spot.
Thus it is the lower parts of the anus that stimulate a woman/person with a vagina more than deep penetration as might be the cast with men/people with penises.
This is true. While in my experience you can avoid pain if done right for some it just isn’t pleasurable. There are also some gay and bi guys that find it unpleasant and don’t want to do it.
I really don’t get why some guys are so obsessed with it. Is it the novelty?
Novelty, maybe with a dose of the porn mentality of 'all your holes are mine to use for my pleasure', and that the anus is the most gatekept of all of them (for good reason)?
Most guys, straight guys at least can’t control themselves to go slow in pussy.. jack hammering so hard they slide out and jam into the space between your pussy and ass. My husband sometimes gets so overzealous he jams his penis into me so hard he gives me ingrown hairs from the friction
Oh I agree 1000% was just trying to give those that gaf the benefit of the doubt. I’ve never been a fan of anal or ass play and majority of my past partners know that but ofc you get those men that think “they can’t but I can”. A gem I always use when faced with that in the past is “are we going to rock paper scissors who gets bent over first?” That usually throws their whole center of gravity off. I follow up with “I’m a reciprocal lover, what you do to me I do to you. I already said I don’t like that shit and since you want to do it so bad, you can go first… I’ll get the Vaseline or would you prefer spit ? Two fingers or one?
If you have to put your foot down put it down when it comes to your wants and desires when it comes to your bodyyy 👏 I had to learn that myself because motherfuckers will just use your body and keep it the fuck going without a care for you. Sex is supposed to be mutually beneficial, if they want to engage in a sexual act that is not your cup of tea one no is all it should take. If they’re pushing back, leave and never return. It’s never worth it, staying.
I hope you're alright, the only good non consent is consensual. Whoever did that to you should step on lego forever, in somewhere it is hard to keep balance.
Someone else in the comments also mentioned threesomes as a possibility. And personally I’ve had more guys be pushy bout threesomes than anal. Even after I tell them my first experience was awful. They keep pushing that it’ll be different this time. No it was traumatic as fuck the first time. I’m not keen on reliving that experience
From my experience, they don’t want threessomes per se, either. A threesome would involve three people pleasuring each other. These twatwaffles want two women pleasuring them.
I'll never forget the look on my ex's face when he told me, with puppy dog eyes, that I hadn't given him head in six months. And that he'd have to *shiver* masturbate. Not once had he ever gone down on me, of course.
What they think they're owed is **degrading subjugation**. They're desperate for some way to demonstrate their superiority over their partner, and what better way than a sex act that puts their partner in a position of extreme vulnerability, intense pain, and *no pleasure whatsoever*?
Yep. My ex didn't get obsessed with anal until after we tried it and I hated it. Then my not wanting to do it again became a rejection of him and everything he stood for. Jerkface CRIED trying to guilt me into it.
This also roughly coincided with his being told the only way he could pass his Hep C to me was condomless anal. I like to think he wasn't consciously trying to infect me so I'd never leave him, but I'm pretty sure he was trying to infect me so I'd never leave him.
It's not just cishet men that believe they are owed head, it's any person with a penis. For example, plenty of AMAB non-binaries share the same belief. Something about having a dick seems to make so many of the people attached to them believe they are owed other people's mouths on their dicks.
I'd be like, "I want you to have the experience first, then maybe I'll consider it. What color strap-on should I get? How much girth do you think you can handle? Let's see what they have on Amazon."
For context/TMI, I'm "exit only" (never say never, though) but my ex liked getting pegged and I discovered that being the pegger is pretty fun, so win-win.
Ha! That reminds me of the time my ex said something about threesomes and I said "Great! I always wanted to try it with two guys," and he made the little bratty scoffing sound a four-year-old would make if you told him he had to eat dinner before he got any dessert.
Yes, my ex was exactly like this. Except it was HIS ex who had done anal with another partner and bragged about it, but refused to do it with him. So with our relationship he was fixated on it, but its not something I'm interested in. Nothing ruins the mood (and the relationship) more than being constantly hounded and guilt tripped for something you don't want to do. It's almost like he wanted to do it as revenge.
And it's so common. Giving your partner the silent treatment because you want to perform a sex act they find unpleasant or painful just shows them the person who is supposed to honor and cherish them only think of them as an appliance and wants to use them like a sex toilet
i will add my voice to the chorus of "oh it was anal wasn't it" on pure vibes. just where my mind immediately went.
fully agree, what a thing to tank your life over... imagine becoming an alcoholic because your wife won't let you stick it up her pooper... dear lord lol
It’s sad and funny that pretty much everyone of us assumes “yup it’s anal”. My second guess is a threesome… but most likely anal. Also f him for throwing out the possibly autistic card to excuse his abusive trash behavior.
Imagine being badgered about it "every couple of weeks or months." No means no means no means no means no, dude. I honestly don't know how she endured 20 years of that.
These dudes are so predictable and their brains are Swiss cheese thanks to the porn they gobble up. I can’t imagine the hurtful things he said to try and pressure her into it.
I’ll also bet that she only ever told him she partook in the act because she felt safe enough to talk about it and how she didn’t enjoy it. Only for him to turn around and start badgering her for it too.
She has honestly lived one of my worst nightmares and I feel so, so bad for this woman.
It's a possession and control thing. They feel they have lost to the previous partner unless they can achieve the same... acts. Treating the woman like a prize or property. It's really gross. And he ruined 20 year of their lives over this.
It's people like this why I give new partners NOTHING about my previous sexual history- especially back when I would more casually date- except that I'm no blushing virgin.
Sometimes you end up with someone who doesn't show they're an abuser at first and I'd rather be safe than sorry. Otherwise, whether you've done it, usually anal but whatever sex act it is, or not these abusers either think that means they automatically get to do the same or that they get to be the first so that they can experience "ruining" and/or "deflowering" you. Sick fucks.
First thing I thought. Been there, goddamn. Do they not understand that begging and begging and begging and arguing and complaining and giving the silent treatment will destroy your relationship just as much as cheating does? Nothing kills affection faster than feeling entitled to sexual acts their partners are uncomfortable with?
>From very early in our relationship there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do. I couldn't let it go, and for reasons a little beyond my comprehension, I didn't see the bigger picture and thought I was right and deserving.
Without reading the comments, I'm going to guess that she had anal with a previous boyfriend, and OOP felt he was thus entitled to it as well.
He never responded to questions about what it was. Doubt he's going to. Either way, dude is a piece of sh\*t and she would be well quit of him. He's still only thinking of himself, not her. His wants and needs, not hers. I hope she runs for the hills. He doesn't deserve her.
And suddenly he's realized how wrong he was now that he's facing a crumb of consequences. 🙄 "Please guys, tell me the cheat code to fix my sex appliance!! It's broken!!"
Yep, that’s what I thought too with a threesome being my runner up guess. And looks like that’s what everyone in the first post said too. I can’t believe this dude made anal a 20 year long continuous fight at this level. What an idiot.
boy it sure is a theme today of people in love with textual lacuna when it comes to their behavior, huh?
i mean just...
>there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do
hmm yes, "something", i see... a something infestation has certainly happened...
>I got away with it for a while but then did something really really stupid and got caught.
another wild something! these *somethings* are a veritable plague of vagueness upon this man!
but good thing they're around, or else he might have had to actually admit his wrongdoing,
Also the something was something that they fought about every couple of weeks to every couple of months. So if you average that to once a month, he fought with her about this at least 220 something times as they have been married 20 years. Double yikes! I hope that she gets completely away from this dude.
Imagine tanking your marriage and becoming an alcoholic because you can’t fuck someone’s butt.
He is already a raging asshole, does he really need to play with another one?
>there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do
They have kids. So it’s not having kids or sex.
My guess is it was anal or something along those lines.
>She wants to end the marriage but we have kids and a life and I love her and can't just let her go. The idea of not being around for her and my kids makes me sick and I honestly don't have interest in other women.
He doesn’t GAF about her. He just wants the convenience of h ing her around and doesn’t want to give anything up.
Also, divorced dads have every opportunity to be around for their kids. 99% of the time, if they’re not there for their kids, it’s because they chose not to be.
They just want to be in the VICINITY of their kids. They don't want the responsibility that comes with being the sole parent part of the time.
As someone who's parents "stayed together for the kids," I NEVER recommend it. I wish my parents had divorced the day after my brother was conceived (because I love my brother and want him to exist).
Agreed. I used to daydream about my parents divorcing so they would stop shouting at each other (and me.) Don’t stay together for the kids. They kids don’t want you to.
I'm 38 and I still vividly remember how relieved I felt at 8 years old when my parents told me they were divorcing. Years of arguing and living separately then moving together again ugh. Don't even get me started on the awkward family vacations. They are sooo much better apart. We can actually enjoy family stuff together once they divorced.
Yep.
Assuming it is some sex thing he wants, in this context, to yank your marriage, be abusive and cause such harm to another person?
You truly are horrible. What a silly, silly reason to cause that much damage.
Honestly, if she's looking over the past twenty years as miserable and remembering how often she has to tiptoe around his emotions to prevent whining and meltdowns, I'm guessing the relationship has been done a long time ago.
"Withdrawing all affection" is generally what happens when you no longer see your partner as a romantic interest and start viewing them as another chore. Likely she stayed because they have kids and she needed to build up a financial cushion for when she inevitably left him.
I was assuming anal. Regardless, it is clearly something where he thinks (or "thought", but I doubt he's really changed) that he can be "right" about what she should do with her body. Asshole.
This guy isn't sorry in the slightest, he's only sorry that he isn't getting the things he previously had with her any more. Otherwise he would own up to the "past issue" which is clearly anal or another sex act that she tried before him and hated it enough to never want to do it again which he feels entitled to because "no fair! some other guy got to do it and not me!" Sex doll is malfunctioning!" Given her vehemence over the topic it's possible he's missing out that she was coerced into it by someone previously. HE was obviously sexually harassing her and abusing her over the issue.
He'd also own up by name to the other "stupid" stuff that he's done and got caught.
What a stupid issue to blow your marriage up over. But he's only sorry it's all completely falling apart not that he tried to force the issue for DECADES.
Ooh. I hadn’t considered DUI.
My gut went to cheating in some way, but a DUI also tracks, and adds another element, that might make it worse.
He admits that he was sneaking alcohol, which she wouldn’t approve of.
So you have to ask for context on that.
Was she not okay with him drinking alcohol AT ALL? Or not okay with him drinking around the kids? Or not okay with him drinking and then driving?
Imagine having relationship problems because the jerk you married is always pressuring you for a type of sex act that makes you uncomfortable or in pain. And it hurts your relationship so badly that your sexual attraction is gone.
Cheating might not be so hard to get over in that case. You already think he’s a pig and don’t want sex anyway. You’re fine with a non-intimate coparenting partnership.
But if you’re checked out due to his gross sexual pressure, but at least see him as a fine father/roommate, then he goes and drives drunk, putting your finances, safety, children, reputation etc in danger?
I can *definitely* see how DUI would be worse.
It could go either way but it seemed to me it was said in the context of him hiding his drinking, so I read it as "got caught drinking", which a DUI would have been proof of that.
I could see how just the fact that he hides drinking would be a red flag to anyone looking at it. If I had a partner that was hiding liquor all of a sudden, I would assume they were an alcoholic right then and there.
I think the "something stupid" is tried to anally rape her, figuring she'd be okay with it once it started, and that's why she started what he calls "withholding affection," which I think translates to refusing sex because she can't trust him.
This is exactly what I thought. He also said sex became less frequent over the years so I’m guessing she started to fear him trying to force it in certain positions or he was trying to act as though anal was some kind of “natural” progression during sex and the fights were because they couldn’t have sex without him trying to make anal happen at some point during the act
>there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do
Anal.
>I got away with it for a while but then did something really really stupid and got caught.
Cheating.
It's probably anal....I've done it with my fella, I'm not the biggest fan and also have IBS, so that area I'd often super sore. I'll wear plugs for him, but once he could tell, i wasn't being g fully truthful to him about enjoying it he's never mentioned it again and has made no attempt to go the dirt road.
This dude is a douche canoe who only now realises how bad of a person he is and doesn't want to lose HIS security net. He's still only thinking of himself and not his wife.
She’s my world and I’d do anything for her…except stop hounding her for a sex act she doesn’t like, doesn’t want and is probably painful, violent or dangerous.
This is classic abuser behavior. They don't care until their victim walks out and they are terrified, not because they are afraid of losing the relationship, but because they don't want their emotional and/or literal punching bags to go where they can't be controlled.
My father was the same way, emotionally abusive to me and my mom, despite years of us explaining why his actions were hurtful and abusive. We tried a family counseling session, in which he blamed us when it was his turn to speak (he had the 'I'm always right' attitude like this guy). So when my mother and I finally left, we were blasted with emails of him whining about NOW he suddenly wants a relationship. Nope, wasn't buying that shit. I knew from experience he'd make all these grandiose promises and suck us back into the abuse.
Too little, too late.
I’m so sorry you and your family had to deal with an abusive “sperm donor” like that. I sincerely wish you nothing but the best in your bright future (without a douche canoe of an abuser dragging you down).
And you are absolutely correct in your assessment of OOP.
You have every right to be relieved. You are now free to live the life you so rightly deserve.
And he…well…has an infinity of sitting and spinning on a gold plated pineapple to think about his actions.
I’d love to see the Venn diagram of the guys who are pushy about anal with their girlfriends/wives and the guys who refuse to wash their own ass because “that’s gay”.
I'm trying to think of ANYTHING in my relationship that I know we have to do every couple of weeks even though neither of us likes it, and all I can think of is "the laundry." OP is worse than the laundry.
So many missing reasons and such vague language.
It wasn't as simple as something in her past, pestering and berating. His attitude smacks of false realization. Gives me that instant ick I feel when in the presence of abusers.
The sad thing is this guy thinks the possessiveness he feels is love. It is the closest thing to love he knows. Very sad and I hope she finds someone capable of actual love.
« The idea of not being around for her **and my kids** makes me sick » this guy will 100% never interact with his children again after she leaves, and will play the « she won’t let me see them » card to get sympathy fucks.
They had a 20+ year marriage, and definitely hadn’t had sex in the last two years, probably more since she was “withholding affection”. I’m sure those kids are plenty old enough to either be adults or nearly adults and are not little anymore since he didn’t give out their ages.
In fact, since he just throws them in at the end, it just feels like an attempt at sympathy. Like “Oh poor me, I don’t want to not be there for my kids too. Surely you’ll help me convince her to stay so the kids will be fine.” The fact that him having kids adds nothing to the narrative other than letting us know that poor woman will have to put up with him for a bit even after the divorce
He says:
>She is my world and I would do anything for her
Yet
>there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do
I swear I'm hearing Meatloaf singing in my head right now.
"She's my world and I would do anything for her."
Ok but that doesn't include dropping it when asked? Not drinking in secret? "Doing anything" isn't just the big things my dude. You also have to be a good partner in the day to day
TLDR (I’m guessing)
He wanted anal and was a jerk about it all the time and he would try to pull “oops” and was sh!t about it.
Over time she pulled away because he didn’t respect her or her feelings.
He started drinking (sure started) and got a dui
Two years later he brings it all up again, basically telling her if only she had done the anal he wouldn’t have gotten a dui.
She’s over it and since it says family, she’s protecting the kids and herself and he needs to go
>I'm sure there will be lots of responses to just let her go. I'm aware of that option. I'm looking for things I can do which does not lead to the destruction of my marriage and family.
> TLDR: I messed up really bad (been a selfish ass) for a long time
If he can't let her go, then he's still being a selfish ass.
This guy is such a douche. I was engaged to a guy like this, constantly harassing me and trying to coerce me into doing sexual things I didn’t want to do. I only lasted 6 months of living with him. I can’t imagine how she feels after all those years.
Poor woman. I hope she gets out
So I bet he wanted a threesome or anal or something, she wasn't down and he kept harassing her about it for months and months. I hate the term "withholding affection". As if he's entitled to affection when he's not behaving in a way that inspires affection, but it's her job, apparently. Can't imagine why she left 😑
He realizes he hurt and abused this woman for DECADES and claims that he's seen the light, yet he won't respect her enough to let her go. Still the same selfish piece of shit.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **I (40 M) messed up so bad with my wife (40 F) that she wants to leave me, what do I do?** Throwaway account, but here goes. I (40+ M) have been married to Wife (40+ F) for over 20 years. I don't like to think I'm a bad guy, but I have been. From very early in our relationship there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do. I couldn't let it go, and for reasons a little beyond my comprehension, I didn't see the bigger picture and thought I was right and deserving. It became nearly the sole point of contention in our relationship and every couple of weeks or months there was a fight about it. Honestly for me, I didn't like the fights, but thought I was right and after the fight thought the relationship was good and she would come around someday. I've learned that for her, it just caused her despair and anxiety that really never went away. She doesn't think there were any good times because for her those times were just spent wondering when the next fight would happen. This continued for a long time when eventually she just started withholding any affection at all. We mostly stopped fighting about the old issue but now I started fighting about getting affection. It got worse and worse to the point where I became severely depressed. Instead of realizing I was the problem (cause I still thought I was right) I began drinking in secret, something she really was against. I got away with it for a while but then did something really really stupid and got caught. Things got really chilly after that. Then about 2 years ago that whole past issue resurfaced (stupid social media) and I thought that maybe if I could just explain to her how I felt then she would understand. Against better advice, I brought it all up again. That was very clearly the wrong thing to do, even though it was the beginning of me seeing that I was the problem. I broke her, or more like I let out all the anger she had been holding in for so long. It was then that I began to realize how wrong I was, how much I had hurt her, how much I had lost over stuff so stupid. I saw that I had some serious personality flaws and maybe a little autism as well. This didn't happen in an instant, but it started that day when I saw on her face how much I'd hurt her and how much she hates me. Since then there has been no actual relationship at all. We are like roommates that sometimes sleep in the same room (but no contact at all). So here's the deal. I clearly haven't shown it in the right way, but I love her very much. She is my world and I would do anything for her. I'm truly sorry and regretful for the pain I've caused her and I want more than anything to be able to make up for my past actions, at least to the extent possible. I realized that I ruined a lot of chances at good things and I won't ever get those back and that I'll never again regain the love that she had for me at one time, but I want to try and make things as good as possible from now on. She wants to end the marriage but we have kids and a life and I love her and can't just let her go. The idea of not being around for her and my kids makes me sick and I honestly don't have interest in other women. I've said I'll do anything for another chance, but she doesn't believe that I've really had a change of heart and she doesn't believe anything I say. She has no want for material possessions and grand gestures do not sway her. She refuses to go to any couples counseling or therapy or retreat stuff. What can I do to convince her that I really do see the big picture and I've been able to let the other things go? Note: I'm sure there will be lots of responses to just let her go. I'm aware of that option. I'm looking for things I can do which does not lead to the destruction of my marriage and family. TLDR: I messed up really bad (been a selfish ass) for a long time and now my wife wants to leave me. Nothing I can do persuades her to give me another chance. Looking for advice. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OOP is likely being vague as fuck because he knows the specifics of his shitty behaviour will make even more people agree with his wife's decision to leave. I find with people like that, they're almost always knowingly in the wrong but, want Internet strangers to validate them. I hope the wife manages to leave him safely and successfully.
Let's not pretend here: it's anal. It's always anal.
Sometimes it’s extramarital sex. But yeah, like 80% of the time, it’s anal.
I thought tjreesome.
Like I said, sometimes it's extramarital sex.
Jesus tap dancing titty fucking Christ when will these assholes stop blaming their abusive behavior on autism? Autism doesn’t make you abusive you fucking coconuts. Autism makes you more likely to be targeted by abusers. You can’t just be like “I didn’t realize my partner was distressed from my behavior because I have autism teehee” that’s not what missing social cues mean. It means we forget to ask questions back to a person asking questions about us. Or that we can’t read facial expressions that well but we can tell when someone is fucking fighting with us. This pisses me off so goddamn much!
I’m autistic, my husband is autistic, my daughter is autistic. Somehow we all manage to be polite and considerate and loving to one another. Autism means you’re crappy at understanding social cues and you tend to get a weensy bit obsessed with things. It doesn’t turn you into a monster.
Yes! And these twerps that go around blaming their horrific behavior on autism just make society at large look at neurodivergent people with more judgement. We don’t need that!
Well is “obsessed” about “something” for 20 years- enough to badger her monthly for 20 fricken years. Also to add: for some autism is also about sensory overload (primary symptom for me -female who masks well and can appear to “get”social cues while actually being kind of lost all the time) and also interesting ways of processing things- not quite like everyone else
 You nailed it perfectly. I wish they could get it thru their concrete lined skulls, but they’re abusive assholes to the end Edit: spelling & yeah, isn’t it pathetically hilarious that instead of being even an iota accountable, they all flock to the internet in hopes of a sad little echo chamber
Seriously!
I'm an autistic person and have struggled with emotional self-regulation. But I've gone to therapy for it and have never used it as an excuse to be a POS. >Autism makes you more likely to be targeted by abusers. The story of my life with my father.
I’m sorry to hear that about your dad. But good on you for getting help!
My abusive ex hopped on the 'Don't blame me, I'm autistic!' train after I dumped him. Never was diagnosed, never saw a doctor, just started texting me one day that I had to forgive him and take him back because autism. My ex is a narcissistic nightmare, I highly, *highly* doubt he's autistic. I really hope no one falls for it, he seemed to think he'd found a get out of jail free card to use on me... I can easily see a more naïve person believing him if he told them that from the get go, rather than as a last ditch effort to keep a victim- er, I mean girlfriend.
I hope he has the life he deserves…as in, I hope he is constantly stepping on legos, restaurants constantly lose his reservation, he accidentally poops himself in public anytime he tried to flirt with someone, and he always had dry mouth
Now he's a homeless alcoholic who's burned all his bridges... he's *definitely* living the life he earned.
Oh well good then
The heat I've gotten in the past for making comments to the end of "your partner is not your parent" and "your diagnosis is not your fault but itbis your responsibility" are wild. So many enablers and abusers claiming that if you don't enable your partners worst habits and cater to their problems you're a loveless monster. He's autistic, she should just give him her bum. It isn't his fault he doesn't know no means no after 20 years.
>“I didn’t realize my partner was distressed from my behavior because I have autism teehee” This was my ex husband's go to when he'd be sitting there completely stone faced or annoyed when I'd be upset. It was distressing, especially since I SAW him be capable of love and comfort when it didn't have to do with how HIS shitty actions impacted me. Ramped up to full on mocking me while I was crying, or telling me I was faking it for attention. His response to me being like "wtf??" was usually 'omg I'm just probably autistic! I don't do well with emotions! My dad is the same way' and yet he knew exactly how HE wanted to be comforted and loved by me when he was in distress.
Ugh that’s so fucking infuriating!!
Another autistic checking in, with a heaping helping of trauma issues besides. Never once felt the need to berate someone endlessly over something they clearly said they didn't want. I have trouble understanding nuance. I might miss a cue if my wife isn't explicit or might miss my mother-in-law being passive aggressive and take her literally. I take it as a point of pride that i've never been so "autistic" that "No I don't want your penis in my pooper" is a hard concept to grasp. This guy sucks.
My flavor of missing social cues is that I did not realize during high school that I was being bullied lol. But yeah, I have never been an abusive asshole because of my autism. This guy sucks like a Hoover.
“do you think you just fell out a coconut tree” is what instantly plays in my mind when i read coconut now that’s all my autism ever did for me 😔 (/j)
It's anal, isn't it? She did it with a previous partner, probably didn't enjoy it and didn't want to do it again, with OOP or anyone. And this entitled clown tanked his relationship and marriage because 'why did the other dude get to do it but I won't?'.
It’s always flipping anal, if these douche bags want anal so much, why don’t they bend over instead.
Because they've rotted their brains with porn, and think all women can take a 9 inch cock in their butt with ease. Never mind that these women are experienced with it, that they prep with toys behind the scenes, and that they are being paid to fake enjoyment in it. As a woman with some trauma surrounding anal, I'm so sick of guys trying to convince me it'll be totally different and better with them. As though it's some personal challenge to push past my trauma.
Same with the trauma. Any guy who pressures me with anal isn't getting anything but left and blocked. They can thank guys like OOP and the dudes who think they can get away with sticking it in "on accident" as if that won't result in the unsuspecting victim screaming loud enough to wake the neighbors and bleeding all over the bed. (Not all victims of course, maybe just me.) Like no, bro. Sexy time is over the second it becomes rape.
Gods damn. Just - my love and solidarity. That sounds fucking horrific.💗
I'm so sorry you went through that. I consented, but there was pressure to do so. Then I sat in the bathroom quietly freaking out about how I was bleeding and in pain. I tell guys the same thing: don't complain about women not doing anal, tell your bros not to ruin it for them by pressuring them and being too rough.
I'm sorry that happened to you. :( I like anal but would never do it with someone who asks for it. You cannot trust them.
Or a guy trying to tell you that it's a way for you to show him you really care about him and trust him. Like it's some kind of trust building exercise essential for a healthy relationship.
And then endlessly harassing her for months on end
*Years* on end *Deacdes* even
So much vom. Just the idea of that makes me want to spew puke The Exorcist style.
Especially since it’s always the same guys who think they shouldn’t have to change themselves for a partner. They should accept me for who I am!!!! And I deserve the butt stuff, even if they don’t want to, that’s just being a good girlfriend!!!
Dude really think their dicks are magic. Oh you had trauma from a sex act? Let my magic oenis cute you. Barf
Mine can do some basic card tricks, that metal ring puzzle, and if the mood is right a dove can and will appear but it can not heal trauma.
I have to disagree with you on your very first point, cause I doubt most of the rotten brains ones have a 9 inch anything.
Well, I was referring to the male performers in porn, not the guys watching it. Point being, in porn, they see women getting done in the butt with really big dicks like it's nbd.
Ooooh, I'm with you now! It didn't click that you meant the actors, sorry about that.
Most women can't even take a 9 inch cock up thier hoohaas. But you would never know that from watching porn.
As a bi guy with a bit of experience anal shouldn’t hurt if you do it right. You go slow. You use lots of lube. You communicate. You care about your partner and how it feels. The problem is a lot of these guys have only seen porn where pain is often faked and almost always eroticized and assume that is normal. Also pressuring anyone into it is wrong. It is also not some magical experience that scores you sex points or something. It is just a way to have sex. If you want novelty there are lots of other things to try that your partner would be more up for. Idiots!
I agree with you on every part except that it shouldn’t hurt if don’t right. Some people genuinely just don’t enjoy it because there is pain no matter what they do. Spoken from experience. It’s just not for everyone. But you’re right, there isn’t enough care and patience utilised when trying.
You're correct in your approach, but there are also some anatomical differences between men and women that can make receiving anal more difficult, more risky, and less pleasurable for women, no matter how well prepared and lubed she is, or how conscientious the penetrator is (and no, I don't just mean the prostate; rather than placement of the anus, skin thickness, etc). Some women can enjoy it if done correctly, but many/most cannot. But a lot of straight/bi guys just can't let it go.
From observation, discussion and experience, I think the fact is that we don't actually need the deep penetration guys think we do when it comes to anal. Vaginal sex is improved by penetration because of the A spot, but if one has a vagina and no prostate, similarly deep anal isn't necessarily going to be pleasurable. It's actually the clitoris that is being stimulated when a woman has anal sex, because like a mushroom, what you see of the clit is just the top bit you can see. It extends down the labia majora, and a lot of nerves cluster around the anus that stimulate the clitoris. Plus, the anal and vaginal walls are thin enough that anything penetrating the anus can also hit the G spot. Thus it is the lower parts of the anus that stimulate a woman/person with a vagina more than deep penetration as might be the cast with men/people with penises.
This is true. While in my experience you can avoid pain if done right for some it just isn’t pleasurable. There are also some gay and bi guys that find it unpleasant and don’t want to do it. I really don’t get why some guys are so obsessed with it. Is it the novelty?
Novelty, maybe with a dose of the porn mentality of 'all your holes are mine to use for my pleasure', and that the anus is the most gatekept of all of them (for good reason)?
Most guys, straight guys at least can’t control themselves to go slow in pussy.. jack hammering so hard they slide out and jam into the space between your pussy and ass. My husband sometimes gets so overzealous he jams his penis into me so hard he gives me ingrown hairs from the friction
I suspect they could control themselves. They just don’t want to. Also, OUCH!!!!! 😫
Oh I agree 1000% was just trying to give those that gaf the benefit of the doubt. I’ve never been a fan of anal or ass play and majority of my past partners know that but ofc you get those men that think “they can’t but I can”. A gem I always use when faced with that in the past is “are we going to rock paper scissors who gets bent over first?” That usually throws their whole center of gravity off. I follow up with “I’m a reciprocal lover, what you do to me I do to you. I already said I don’t like that shit and since you want to do it so bad, you can go first… I’ll get the Vaseline or would you prefer spit ? Two fingers or one?
I'm going to use all of this, thank you. I absolutely don't play when it comes to this shit
If you have to put your foot down put it down when it comes to your wants and desires when it comes to your bodyyy 👏 I had to learn that myself because motherfuckers will just use your body and keep it the fuck going without a care for you. Sex is supposed to be mutually beneficial, if they want to engage in a sexual act that is not your cup of tea one no is all it should take. If they’re pushing back, leave and never return. It’s never worth it, staying.
Husband needs to dial it back. That's how you break a boner.
Holy shit. I'm so glad I found a dude that likes to take it slow. My endometriosis couldn't take anything more than that!
As a guy….wtf? Lol your husband has zero chill.
Women don't have prostates. It feels like pooping in reverse if pooping was 7 or 8 out of ten on the pain scale.
If these dudes want anal so bad, they should find each other.
Probably be more pleasurable for them than for the wives being pressured.
As a woman who loves pegging but has only ever received non consensually, I support this message.
I hope you're alright, the only good non consent is consensual. Whoever did that to you should step on lego forever, in somewhere it is hard to keep balance.
Someone else in the comments also mentioned threesomes as a possibility. And personally I’ve had more guys be pushy bout threesomes than anal. Even after I tell them my first experience was awful. They keep pushing that it’ll be different this time. No it was traumatic as fuck the first time. I’m not keen on reliving that experience
From my experience, they don’t want threessomes per se, either. A threesome would involve three people pleasuring each other. These twatwaffles want two women pleasuring them.
threesome, anal, or even blowjobs. so many cishet men believe they are owed head.
I'll never forget the look on my ex's face when he told me, with puppy dog eyes, that I hadn't given him head in six months. And that he'd have to *shiver* masturbate. Not once had he ever gone down on me, of course.
What they think they're owed is **degrading subjugation**. They're desperate for some way to demonstrate their superiority over their partner, and what better way than a sex act that puts their partner in a position of extreme vulnerability, intense pain, and *no pleasure whatsoever*?
Yep. My ex didn't get obsessed with anal until after we tried it and I hated it. Then my not wanting to do it again became a rejection of him and everything he stood for. Jerkface CRIED trying to guilt me into it. This also roughly coincided with his being told the only way he could pass his Hep C to me was condomless anal. I like to think he wasn't consciously trying to infect me so I'd never leave him, but I'm pretty sure he was trying to infect me so I'd never leave him.
It's not just cishet men that believe they are owed head, it's any person with a penis. For example, plenty of AMAB non-binaries share the same belief. Something about having a dick seems to make so many of the people attached to them believe they are owed other people's mouths on their dicks.
I'd be like, "I want you to have the experience first, then maybe I'll consider it. What color strap-on should I get? How much girth do you think you can handle? Let's see what they have on Amazon." For context/TMI, I'm "exit only" (never say never, though) but my ex liked getting pegged and I discovered that being the pegger is pretty fun, so win-win.
Ha! That reminds me of the time my ex said something about threesomes and I said "Great! I always wanted to try it with two guys," and he made the little bratty scoffing sound a four-year-old would make if you told him he had to eat dinner before he got any dessert.
Pegging guys is awesome fun. It's totally underrated.
You're so right! These mofos are obsessed. If a woman doesn't want your bloody cock in her bum, she can say so
Or get a man. I hear gay guys (bottoms) like anal.
How do they always forget that men also have buttholes?
Pffff I wish. I fucked my gf's ass but she wouldn't fuck mine >:(
Just tell her, "don't you want to be as cool as Deadpool's girlfriend?!" 😆 jk
[удалено]
So sorry you experienced that but I'm glad it's over. Abusers suck so much
Yes, my ex was exactly like this. Except it was HIS ex who had done anal with another partner and bragged about it, but refused to do it with him. So with our relationship he was fixated on it, but its not something I'm interested in. Nothing ruins the mood (and the relationship) more than being constantly hounded and guilt tripped for something you don't want to do. It's almost like he wanted to do it as revenge.
And it's so common. Giving your partner the silent treatment because you want to perform a sex act they find unpleasant or painful just shows them the person who is supposed to honor and cherish them only think of them as an appliance and wants to use them like a sex toilet
Not just that, I bet it’s anal and that thing that happened 2 years ago was cheating on her. I hope she gets everything she wants in the divorce.
I was thinking the stupid thing could have been a DUI since he connects it directly to his drinking.
Begging for anal while driving drunk.
i originally thought DUI from the drinking, but i could def see cheating too
Honestly, it's probably both
He probably got a DUI with another chick in the car and had to call her to either come get the car, or it would be impounded.
My exact read with how dodgey he is
i will add my voice to the chorus of "oh it was anal wasn't it" on pure vibes. just where my mind immediately went. fully agree, what a thing to tank your life over... imagine becoming an alcoholic because your wife won't let you stick it up her pooper... dear lord lol
It’s sad and funny that pretty much everyone of us assumes “yup it’s anal”. My second guess is a threesome… but most likely anal. Also f him for throwing out the possibly autistic card to excuse his abusive trash behavior.
Imagine being badgered about it "every couple of weeks or months." No means no means no means no means no, dude. I honestly don't know how she endured 20 years of that.
Glad I'm not the only one who jumped to that.
I think most of us did. It’s always anal.
Or a threesome.
Me too
These dudes are so predictable and their brains are Swiss cheese thanks to the porn they gobble up. I can’t imagine the hurtful things he said to try and pressure her into it. I’ll also bet that she only ever told him she partook in the act because she felt safe enough to talk about it and how she didn’t enjoy it. Only for him to turn around and start badgering her for it too. She has honestly lived one of my worst nightmares and I feel so, so bad for this woman.
I literally just said "it's anal, isn't it?” The wife deserves so much better than Oop
As soon as I read it I was like “it’s anal”.
my guess was either anal or a threesome and the stupid thing he did was cheat when blacked out
That was my assumption too.
Either that or he wants to open the marriage.
It's a possession and control thing. They feel they have lost to the previous partner unless they can achieve the same... acts. Treating the woman like a prize or property. It's really gross. And he ruined 20 year of their lives over this.
Anal or threesome.
My money is on threesomes with a female. Anal tends to be too private. He mentioned social media posts.
Ohhh I assumed the “stupid social media” issue of the past was him contacting others over social media. I got cheater vibes in addition to creeper.
I'm guessing her previous partner just showed up on a mutual friend's Facebook or something and he felt inspired to berate his wife.
Threesome, anal, or he wanted to watch some other dude having sex with her.
I read this and my mind went straight to "I bet this is anal".
It's people like this why I give new partners NOTHING about my previous sexual history- especially back when I would more casually date- except that I'm no blushing virgin. Sometimes you end up with someone who doesn't show they're an abuser at first and I'd rather be safe than sorry. Otherwise, whether you've done it, usually anal but whatever sex act it is, or not these abusers either think that means they automatically get to do the same or that they get to be the first so that they can experience "ruining" and/or "deflowering" you. Sick fucks.
Yup. And the "stupid" thing he did while drunk was probably driving.
First thing I thought. Been there, goddamn. Do they not understand that begging and begging and begging and arguing and complaining and giving the silent treatment will destroy your relationship just as much as cheating does? Nothing kills affection faster than feeling entitled to sexual acts their partners are uncomfortable with?
>From very early in our relationship there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do. I couldn't let it go, and for reasons a little beyond my comprehension, I didn't see the bigger picture and thought I was right and deserving. Without reading the comments, I'm going to guess that she had anal with a previous boyfriend, and OOP felt he was thus entitled to it as well.
He never responded to questions about what it was. Doubt he's going to. Either way, dude is a piece of sh\*t and she would be well quit of him. He's still only thinking of himself, not her. His wants and needs, not hers. I hope she runs for the hills. He doesn't deserve her.
And suddenly he's realized how wrong he was now that he's facing a crumb of consequences. 🙄 "Please guys, tell me the cheat code to fix my sex appliance!! It's broken!!"
Yes. I put the coin in the back panel, why isn't it giving me buttsex?!
That was my assumption as well. Too many people (men) assume their desires are the universal norm.
Yep, that’s what I thought too with a threesome being my runner up guess. And looks like that’s what everyone in the first post said too. I can’t believe this dude made anal a 20 year long continuous fight at this level. What an idiot.
boy it sure is a theme today of people in love with textual lacuna when it comes to their behavior, huh? i mean just... >there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do hmm yes, "something", i see... a something infestation has certainly happened... >I got away with it for a while but then did something really really stupid and got caught. another wild something! these *somethings* are a veritable plague of vagueness upon this man! but good thing they're around, or else he might have had to actually admit his wrongdoing,
Also the something was something that they fought about every couple of weeks to every couple of months. So if you average that to once a month, he fought with her about this at least 220 something times as they have been married 20 years. Double yikes! I hope that she gets completely away from this dude.
Imagine tanking your marriage and becoming an alcoholic because you can’t fuck someone’s butt. He is already a raging asshole, does he really need to play with another one?
Oh, god. Missing missing reasons - those people who think they can gloss over show they aren't sincere.
>there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do They have kids. So it’s not having kids or sex. My guess is it was anal or something along those lines. >She wants to end the marriage but we have kids and a life and I love her and can't just let her go. The idea of not being around for her and my kids makes me sick and I honestly don't have interest in other women. He doesn’t GAF about her. He just wants the convenience of h ing her around and doesn’t want to give anything up.
Also, divorced dads have every opportunity to be around for their kids. 99% of the time, if they’re not there for their kids, it’s because they chose not to be.
They just want to be in the VICINITY of their kids. They don't want the responsibility that comes with being the sole parent part of the time. As someone who's parents "stayed together for the kids," I NEVER recommend it. I wish my parents had divorced the day after my brother was conceived (because I love my brother and want him to exist).
Agreed. I used to daydream about my parents divorcing so they would stop shouting at each other (and me.) Don’t stay together for the kids. They kids don’t want you to.
I'm 38 and I still vividly remember how relieved I felt at 8 years old when my parents told me they were divorcing. Years of arguing and living separately then moving together again ugh. Don't even get me started on the awkward family vacations. They are sooo much better apart. We can actually enjoy family stuff together once they divorced.
Yep. Assuming it is some sex thing he wants, in this context, to yank your marriage, be abusive and cause such harm to another person? You truly are horrible. What a silly, silly reason to cause that much damage.
Honestly, if she's looking over the past twenty years as miserable and remembering how often she has to tiptoe around his emotions to prevent whining and meltdowns, I'm guessing the relationship has been done a long time ago. "Withdrawing all affection" is generally what happens when you no longer see your partner as a romantic interest and start viewing them as another chore. Likely she stayed because they have kids and she needed to build up a financial cushion for when she inevitably left him.
And when she tells people the reason he knows he will look awful so he wants to protect his reputation.
My guess, he wanted a threesome because when she was in high school/university she explored her sexuality with other women.
Threesome or he was constantly begging her for anal
I was assuming anal. Regardless, it is clearly something where he thinks (or "thought", but I doubt he's really changed) that he can be "right" about what she should do with her body. Asshole.
Exactly. His wording is just one colossal red flag.
This guy isn't sorry in the slightest, he's only sorry that he isn't getting the things he previously had with her any more. Otherwise he would own up to the "past issue" which is clearly anal or another sex act that she tried before him and hated it enough to never want to do it again which he feels entitled to because "no fair! some other guy got to do it and not me!" Sex doll is malfunctioning!" Given her vehemence over the topic it's possible he's missing out that she was coerced into it by someone previously. HE was obviously sexually harassing her and abusing her over the issue. He'd also own up by name to the other "stupid" stuff that he's done and got caught. What a stupid issue to blow your marriage up over. But he's only sorry it's all completely falling apart not that he tried to force the issue for DECADES.
All this!
It's kinda like mad libs! Hung up on: anal Did something stupid: DUI
Or cheating
Alternatively, did something stupid: hired a SW to do anal with.
On my world, SW means social worker and I was like, I don't think that's in our scope of pracfice...
Bahahaha I should hope not 😂
Ooh. I hadn’t considered DUI. My gut went to cheating in some way, but a DUI also tracks, and adds another element, that might make it worse. He admits that he was sneaking alcohol, which she wouldn’t approve of. So you have to ask for context on that. Was she not okay with him drinking alcohol AT ALL? Or not okay with him drinking around the kids? Or not okay with him drinking and then driving? Imagine having relationship problems because the jerk you married is always pressuring you for a type of sex act that makes you uncomfortable or in pain. And it hurts your relationship so badly that your sexual attraction is gone. Cheating might not be so hard to get over in that case. You already think he’s a pig and don’t want sex anyway. You’re fine with a non-intimate coparenting partnership. But if you’re checked out due to his gross sexual pressure, but at least see him as a fine father/roommate, then he goes and drives drunk, putting your finances, safety, children, reputation etc in danger? I can *definitely* see how DUI would be worse.
I think the language points more towards cheating. It's the way he said "got caught". For some reason that feels more like cheating than DUI to me.
It could go either way but it seemed to me it was said in the context of him hiding his drinking, so I read it as "got caught drinking", which a DUI would have been proof of that.
Fair, maybe. My money is still on he got drunk and hired a hooker to let him put it in her butt.
I could see how just the fact that he hides drinking would be a red flag to anyone looking at it. If I had a partner that was hiding liquor all of a sudden, I would assume they were an alcoholic right then and there.
But don't ya see? It's his maybe possibly autism. 🙄
Or he raped her, but because marriage he doesn't see it like that.
I think the "something stupid" is tried to anally rape her, figuring she'd be okay with it once it started, and that's why she started what he calls "withholding affection," which I think translates to refusing sex because she can't trust him.
This is exactly what I thought. He also said sex became less frequent over the years so I’m guessing she started to fear him trying to force it in certain positions or he was trying to act as though anal was some kind of “natural” progression during sex and the fights were because they couldn’t have sex without him trying to make anal happen at some point during the act
"I'll do anything for you! Anything you want!" *"I want you to leave me alone and move on."* "Almost anything for you!"
The number one sign an abuser hasn’t actually changed is that they keep pressuring their victim to forgive them and give them another chance
If he sounds this bad being this vague imagine how much shittier he must actually be
Obviously instead of taking accountability, he surprinsingly still insist on trying to avoid consequences.
>there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do Anal. >I got away with it for a while but then did something really really stupid and got caught. Cheating.
I would guess DUI for the second part, he was talking about drinking in secret.
“I would do anything for her” except fucking drop it, eh?
Hope he enjoys his sad bachelor pad heading his way!
He wants to retain laundry rights and home cooked meals even if his wife shudders every time she looks at him
It's probably anal....I've done it with my fella, I'm not the biggest fan and also have IBS, so that area I'd often super sore. I'll wear plugs for him, but once he could tell, i wasn't being g fully truthful to him about enjoying it he's never mentioned it again and has made no attempt to go the dirt road. This dude is a douche canoe who only now realises how bad of a person he is and doesn't want to lose HIS security net. He's still only thinking of himself and not his wife.
She’s my world and I’d do anything for her…except stop hounding her for a sex act she doesn’t like, doesn’t want and is probably painful, violent or dangerous.
Public execution QUICK
Off with his heads, both of them!
Listen OOP, the back door is closed. Door is locked. Key has been thrown away. Enjoy your divorce. That door is wide open.
This is classic abuser behavior. They don't care until their victim walks out and they are terrified, not because they are afraid of losing the relationship, but because they don't want their emotional and/or literal punching bags to go where they can't be controlled. My father was the same way, emotionally abusive to me and my mom, despite years of us explaining why his actions were hurtful and abusive. We tried a family counseling session, in which he blamed us when it was his turn to speak (he had the 'I'm always right' attitude like this guy). So when my mother and I finally left, we were blasted with emails of him whining about NOW he suddenly wants a relationship. Nope, wasn't buying that shit. I knew from experience he'd make all these grandiose promises and suck us back into the abuse. Too little, too late.
 I’m so sorry you and your family had to deal with an abusive “sperm donor” like that. I sincerely wish you nothing but the best in your bright future (without a douche canoe of an abuser dragging you down). And you are absolutely correct in your assessment of OOP.
Thank you for your kind words. My father passed away last year and honestly? I was relieved.
 You have every right to be relieved. You are now free to live the life you so rightly deserve. And he…well…has an infinity of sitting and spinning on a gold plated pineapple to think about his actions.
I’d love to see the Venn diagram of the guys who are pushy about anal with their girlfriends/wives and the guys who refuse to wash their own ass because “that’s gay”.
Imagine being in a relationship for twenty years knowing you have to have the Unnamed Sex Act That's Probably Anal Fight every couple of weeks.
I'm trying to think of ANYTHING in my relationship that I know we have to do every couple of weeks even though neither of us likes it, and all I can think of is "the laundry." OP is worse than the laundry.
So many missing reasons and such vague language. It wasn't as simple as something in her past, pestering and berating. His attitude smacks of false realization. Gives me that instant ick I feel when in the presence of abusers.
L m a o
The sad thing is this guy thinks the possessiveness he feels is love. It is the closest thing to love he knows. Very sad and I hope she finds someone capable of actual love.
« The idea of not being around for her **and my kids** makes me sick » this guy will 100% never interact with his children again after she leaves, and will play the « she won’t let me see them » card to get sympathy fucks.
They had a 20+ year marriage, and definitely hadn’t had sex in the last two years, probably more since she was “withholding affection”. I’m sure those kids are plenty old enough to either be adults or nearly adults and are not little anymore since he didn’t give out their ages. In fact, since he just throws them in at the end, it just feels like an attempt at sympathy. Like “Oh poor me, I don’t want to not be there for my kids too. Surely you’ll help me convince her to stay so the kids will be fine.” The fact that him having kids adds nothing to the narrative other than letting us know that poor woman will have to put up with him for a bit even after the divorce
He says: >She is my world and I would do anything for her Yet >there was something in her past that caused me to focus my desire on something she didn't want to do I swear I'm hearing Meatloaf singing in my head right now.
It's either anal or a threesome. It's *always* one of those two
"She's my world and I would do anything for her." Ok but that doesn't include dropping it when asked? Not drinking in secret? "Doing anything" isn't just the big things my dude. You also have to be a good partner in the day to day
I wish clowns like this would stop dancing around with vague BS and just spit out what they've done so I can properly tell them what an ass they are.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so openly discuss wanting to rape their wife before. Crazy.
TLDR (I’m guessing) He wanted anal and was a jerk about it all the time and he would try to pull “oops” and was sh!t about it. Over time she pulled away because he didn’t respect her or her feelings. He started drinking (sure started) and got a dui Two years later he brings it all up again, basically telling her if only she had done the anal he wouldn’t have gotten a dui. She’s over it and since it says family, she’s protecting the kids and herself and he needs to go
I wanna know who he hit with the car while he was drinking and driving.
May that queen obliterate that abusive jackass in court.
>I'm sure there will be lots of responses to just let her go. I'm aware of that option. I'm looking for things I can do which does not lead to the destruction of my marriage and family. > TLDR: I messed up really bad (been a selfish ass) for a long time If he can't let her go, then he's still being a selfish ass.
This guy is such a douche. I was engaged to a guy like this, constantly harassing me and trying to coerce me into doing sexual things I didn’t want to do. I only lasted 6 months of living with him. I can’t imagine how she feels after all those years. Poor woman. I hope she gets out
So I bet he wanted a threesome or anal or something, she wasn't down and he kept harassing her about it for months and months. I hate the term "withholding affection". As if he's entitled to affection when he's not behaving in a way that inspires affection, but it's her job, apparently. Can't imagine why she left 😑
He realizes he hurt and abused this woman for DECADES and claims that he's seen the light, yet he won't respect her enough to let her go. Still the same selfish piece of shit.
i’ll never understand dudes obsession with fucking anal.