*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for tossing out some cakes that my wife baked?** I (38M) was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes about 2 months ago. It's completely self inflicted because of my lifestyle and weight, and I completely acknowledge that. Since then though, I've been working hard to try and drop weight and make healthier choices, and I've started to make positive steps in that direction. For me though, food is like an addiction, i don't want to compare it to more hardcore addictions like drugs or alcohol, but I am constantly wanting to eat junk and treat food (which is how I got into this mess in the first place). I'm not going cold turkey on those foods (as I feel that's equally unrealistic), but I'm doing much better. My main strategy is trying not to buy it at all. Enter my wife. She is not at all supportive in terms of trying to enable the healthy choices I'm trying to make. For example, she will continue to bring crisps and chocolate into the house in large amounts, even though I ask her not to. I don't want her to flat out stop, but it's an excessive amount. I know that the problem is mine and not hers, but it doesn't make it easier to have all this food temptation so close by. She is also an amazing Baker - she will frequently try new recipies from TikTok and they are almost always incredible. Again though, I've asked her to maybe not make it all the time (like currently 2-3 times a week), but she's still doing it so frequently. Last night she made a tray bake of flapjacks, which are my absolute favourite. I had one, and not polishing off the tray required a huge mental effort from me (which I know, again is my fault). This morning after she left for work (I work from home), I took the tray directly out to the bin and dumped the lot of them. It was a total impulse, and I felt bad about it, but I also sort of felt like a pressure had been lifted. When she came home, she was absolutely furious, but I tried to make my case and explain how hard it was to stop eating junk food after doing it for so long, and that I'd appreciate a little more support. She's not talking to me now, and things are tense. AITA for dumping my wife's baking because I couldn't trust myself not to eat it? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*

How about they get some kind of lock box that only wife can get into? Then wife can bring in all the junk she wants and lock them up and oop won’t have access to them.

Yeah, I think a locking mini-fridge would sort it.

I think that would normally be a good solution. However, this whole thing reads like he's the type of person who would find something wrong with that as well. I find it funny that he's saying he can't restrict her yet he's doing exactly that. I said it's like people who try to restrict other people's drinking because they're an alcoholic. It's his issue to deal with. I do agree that because she knows about his issues, she shouldn't be leaving it where he has easy access to it but she shouldn't have to completely give something up because he did.

If my wife was an alcoholic, I wouldn’t bring alcohol into the house until she got it under control. It’s only been 2 months! Honestly, the wife wants to send OP to an early grave after he loses his feet. OP is NTA.

Yeah I feel like if this was a year post-diagnosis he is definitely an AH but only 2 months into having to make some serious dietary and lifestyle Changes is still pretty vulnerable time. Reddit would never condone a spouse bringing a six pack and wine coolers around a recently sober individual.

And offering them some…don’t forget that part.

I agree and the messed up part is that I actually considered that maybe she is doing this on purpose. I hope not but it's possible.

For some people it's an actual kink. Feeders is what they are called.

Oh, yes. I forgot about that.

He doesn't seem unreasonable from this telling. He has a very serious health issue that could kill him and his wife is literally bringing in massive quantities of his poison. This is very thoughtless and unacceptable while he is suffering and learning to live with his new diagnosis! He works from home and she just leaves massive quantities of this around when she knows how detrimental to his health she is behaving! They need to communicate, but he is not a devil, he is learning to adjust to his new normal!

My spouse was diagnosed with T1 diabetes last year. It really has to be a team effort. His is an auto-immune disease rather than caused by a bad diet. But it shifted all our meals and things we keep at home. They should be a team and work together. If she loves baking, maybe she could experiment with healthier options. Adopting a new lifestyle is so hard, especially if your partner isn't helping.

She comes off as less than a stellar partner. I would not do any of that stuff if my partner was newly diagnosed diabetic. I don't think she's trying to kill him but she could be trying to sabotage him. She's not likely to be eating really healthy with all those sweets and chips, so she might be facing a similar diagnosis... Or rather _not_ facing it.

That's true. I actually said that I wondered if she wasn't doing this on purpose. It sounds terrible but maybe she's doing this hoping it will kill him. I said I wonder if they have an insurance policy or something. I know it's an alarmist take but it's not out of the realm of possibility. Maybe I watch too much true crime lol. Edit: typo

Absolutely insane take lmao.

I said I know it's an alarmist take but it's not out of the realm of possibility

Or hear me out, she just likes sweets like a lot of people do, and deserves to be able to give her self a treat shouldn’t be punished at all just because her partner has no self-control. If he needs recovery that intense, he needs to be in a program, not in a home punishing other people Because he can’t keep his mouth shut.

I agree with you. This is exactly what I've been saying the entire time and people are downvoting and arguing with me saying no, she just needs to do what he asks and not keep it around him. His lack of self-control is not her problem. She's not the one with the problem so she shouldn't have to stop doing something she enjoys because he refuses to do anything to treat this. All I hear him doing is whining about how he just got diagnosed and now her life needs to completely change too. It's up to him to manage his condition. I have muscular dystrophy through no fault of my own and I don't expect people around me to accommodate me. It's up to me to manage it. On the other hand, this is something that he caused by his unhealthy and out of control eating. That's not her problem. She didn't cause it and she can't cure it. She shouldn't have to stop doing something she enjoys because of him. If it were me and I found out that he destroyed all my hard work because he wants to throw a temper tantrum about not being able to control himself, I would have packed a bag and told him that I'll come back after he goes to rehab. This is absolutely not her problem. I don't care that they're married. Being married means being a partner but it definitely doesn't mean having to completely alter your way of life for somebody else. If they can't pack it and they can't cope then that's their problem. He needs to go to rehab instead of expecting her to stop. He honestly sounds like some people who go to AA and NA. I have a problem so I expect everyone around me to stop as well. He needs to get it together, not expect his wife to suffer because of something he caused. ETA: He and people like him need to learn that the world does not revolve around them. It's not going to stop just because they have their own issues. Manage it or don't. Either way, stop expecting people around you to change because you have a problem.

I just thought of something else. His logic is faulty as well. It's like getting mad and expecting the stores near you to stop selling alcohol because you have a drinking problem. I will admit that I was in AA for 10 years and I certainly didn't treat people like this. I didn't expect my partner and my friends to stop because I had a problem. I took myself to rehab and I got it under control. He's being really selfish by throwing it out. Me, me, me. I'm the one who's suffering. Everyone around me should accommodate me because I have a problem. Blah blah blah. Typical AA bullshit. It's all I heard and that's why I stopped going. They need to work on themselves instead of expecting everyone around them to accommodate them and that's exactly what he's doing. He's expecting her to accommodate him instead of getting help.

It's not a store it's his home. Did your partner leave drinks in your apartment?

I have drinks in my apartment and I live with an alcoholic who is in recovery. He's fine with it and has always been adamant that his problem shouldn't be mine.

Is this alcoholic 2 months into recovery?

If he was struggling 2 months in, would you have felt differently? (Honest question) No shade here, just exploring the importance of communication and teamwork in a partnership, rather than talking about personal responsibility (but that's important, too). People need support on a spectrum. I'm married to a man of impeccable integrity and self-discipline. But he was diagnosed with t1 diabetes due to his autoimmune system. It was a lifestyle change, and we struggled at first. It's more about being supportive and inclusive of his dietary needs. He lives there, too. He should have options aside from water and cabbage. I never realized HOW HARD it is to manage blood sugar until diabetes rolled into our home. Any ingredient that has a carb that is digested too quickly can make everything go sideways. You live with an alcoholic, that in itself is challenging (grew up with one-i know from experience it's not great.) Now imagine that everything in your house had some kind of alcohol. It's not a case of "out of sight, out of mind," almost everything in the house and grocery stores is working against you. In addition, most stuff marketed to diabetes is expensive and tastes like cardboard. Plus, groceries are so expensive, it's more cost-effective to just buy meals everyone can eat. (I swear I didn't mean to soapbox this, but my thoughts are demanding to be let out. Not necessarily to you, but maybe to someone who needs it? Myself?)

You have glasses with drinks in it sitting on the counter while you are gone all day ?

if your significant other is dealing with a life or death situation like addiction, of course you "shouldn't have to fully give something up" for them but it would be the respectful thing to do- at least for a while. The alternative is that he needs to leave the relationship. His life is at risk and she is bringing triggers around. She is being incredibly unempathetic

That would honestly be the best, OPs wife shouldn't have to give it up because he's addicted but he is addicted you can't put a tray full of drinks in front of an alcoholic so why is food/junk food addiction any different? My mom was an alcoholic and one of the things that really helped was out of sight out of mind, i could still have a drink every once and awhile but it had to be kept up in my room and if I was drinking around it she preferred me drink out of a "normal" cup so she didn't know what was in it

The difference between alcoholism and OOP's situation is that people need food to live and can't keep no food in their home.

That's what makes food addiction so hard to recover from, you can't go cold turkey which personally I only know addicts who did cold turkey

He’s not asking her to keep “no food” in their home.

There's a difference between food you need to eat a plater of pancakes

And everyone comparing the two is forgetting it that he basically said baking is a huge hobby for her and huge part of her identity, and acting like she’s just starting this now that he can’t eat junk food anymore. She’s literally being asked to give up some thing that makes her her for her partners addiction. It’s OK to not want to do that. Don’t know which universe this would happen in but if I couldn’t write anymore because it was going to hurt my partner that’s no longer the partner for me and that’s OK if someone owns a brewery they probably can’t be married to an alcoholic and that’s completely OK.

Obviously he shouldnt have thrown it out but what the hell is she doing baking 3x a week (!) and buying copious amounts of junk when she has a T2D with an obvious eating disorder in the house? They're both assholes. He needs therapy too.

All of this. I had a roommate who I'm pretty sure had binge eating disorder. I figured this out when she started eating me literally out of house and home. I could not keep food in the house. We got in this huge fight about the fact that I kept bringing home stuff that I like to eat. At first, I thought she was just being selfish but then we figured out that she had an eating disorder. So to compromise, I started keeping the stuff in my room in a locked cabinet and I got a mini fridge with a lock on it. At least I tried to support her, his wife is acting like she doesn't care but at the same time, he's wrong for throwing it out. Edit: typos

3x per week seems like a lot when it’s not a gig and there are only two people in the house (one of which shouldn’t be eating much of it). And then just leaving it there instead of taking most of it to neighbors/friends/colleagues sounds like intentional sabotage to me.

Yeah, I can't imagine baking that much. My mom literally sold cake pops as a side hustle and didn't bake that much. I do actually think the wife sucks in this.

I kind of got out of baking for a period where I would have called it a hobby but it was more like once per week with a new recipe. Baking is often a lot of work and between employment, regular cooking, other hobbies, and other things, that was about what I could handle. I know everyone is different but it seems a lot. I mean one of the reasons I got out of it was because it was just me and husband at home and it was too many sweets around constantly.

Wife absolutely sucks in this. Replace food with literally any other addiction… Alcohol, drugs, porn etc and the response would be very different. If baking is that important to her she could very well bake healthier alternatives instead of sabotaging her husbands health whether intentionally or not.

Especially in such large quantities when there's only two people. I get only knowing how to cook to feed an army, but take some to work with you! I'm sure her colleagues would enjoy it. If the wife loves baking, why doesn't she shift to cooking and do meal preps? Just about *anything* made at home can be made healthy. I try to sneak in veggies and protein everywhere I can get them. If I'm making meatloaf, for example, I'm adding riced cauliflower and shredded spinach to the mix, maybe corn. Meatloaf also doesn't strictly *require* breadcrumbs or crackers, it just makes molding it easier.

I have one kid and I bake 3x a week for her and her friends. Desserts, snacks, lunch items, breakfast bakes. I imagine people with more kids bake more frequently.

My mom bakes cadually.if she is very stressed but has extra time 3 times a week isnot out of tbe norm. She's lives alone and is working on losing weight so the goodies go to any number of people from old coworkers to family friends. Maybe the wife just hasn't figured out who to give the goodies too. Especially since he doesn't say that it as a new behavior.

Agree it sounds like sabotage. I would bet a lot of money shes also overweight and doesnt want him to change. Quite common when two people have a mutal issue and one tries to break free of it.

How about you not push the “fat people make fat people food” narrative? One of the best bakers I know, who bakes every week (sometimes multiple times a week) is my close friend and former roommate. Is she a professional baker? No, she’s a contractor with the US Government, and she views the act of baking as a form of stress relief. And she often gives her bakes away to sick friends or coworkers or as gifts. She’s also one of the fittest (and thinner) people I know, and I was probably in the best shape of my life when she was my roommate. I do miss surprise cupcakes…

I'm sorry for my earlier comment and I actually deleted it. I guess I didn't read this properly because I was distracted a little bit yesterday. I actually have to agree with you. Some of it does have to do with self control. I hate it when people with addictions fall for that narrative that they're powerless to control it. Bullshit. That takes the responsibility of doing anything about it away from them. Those are the kinds of people who like this, expect everyone around them to cater to them because they have a problem. The minute someone did that to me, the minute someone threw my food out because they couldn't control themselves, they would be instantly dumped. I don't care if we're married, I would be starting divorce proceedings. That would tell me I married a selfish person. It's not her fault that he ended up with diabetes and you can't tell me he didn't know it was coming. He had to have been warned. So because he refused to do anything about it, suddenly It's her problem too. Yeah, no it's not. He needs to take himself to rehab.

Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I felt like I got a bit too heated about it yesterday, even if I still stand by what I said. I just got so upset that people were making his problem her responsibility. She didn’t give him diabetes. Hell, it wasn’t even established that the traybake he threw out was entirely for them. But because he had a problem she couldn’t have it. I grew up around family with addiction, and the idea that it’s her job to make sure he stays “sober” was incredibly alarming and triggering for me. On top of all the weight stuff.

Me too. My grandma was an alcoholic and didn't police people. This is why I have nothing nice to say about AA. I'm pOwErLeSs oVeR mY aDdiCtiOn. Nope, it's up to him to manage it. Not just expect her to stop because he has a problem. I agree with you saying that he had no way of knowing that it was only for them. She may be getting orders. Even if she was, something tells me he'd tell her she can't do that. I hate self righteous addicts who expect everyone else to change. They're the one who has the problem. Maybe she shouldn't be leaving it out in front of him but he can't just blame her. He made the choice to eat it, she didn't hold a gun to his head. I understand someone needing support. I just don't like that programs like AA basically teach that you don't have any responsibility for your addiction. I've been to the meetings and they're always taking everyone else's inventory. They never focus on their role in things. It's always I'm tHe viCTiM. It's really kind of sad.

>How about you not push the “fat people make fat people food” narrative? How about you calm the hell down lmao? The sabotage makes me suspicious, not the food. Baking has nothing to do with being fat wth 🥴

Yeah, and automatically assuming she’s also overweight and she’s “sabotaging him because she’s insecure” is fatshaming, offensive, presumptive, and incredibly misogynistic. I agree that she shouldn’t be baking so much when OOP is trying to cut back on sugar, but that 1. doesn’t give OOP the right to destroy the food that she made (he *at least* needs to reimburse her for the ingredients that can’t be consumed), and 2. doesn’t mean that she’s sabotaging him on purpose. She might be baking because it’s her form of stress relief. Like it is for my friend. And maybe OOP should have brought that up to her instead of throwing out an entire tray of food that cost money that I’m betting he didn’t pay for.

I didnt automatically assume she was overweight?! Suggesting someone might be overweight isnt an insult either nor did I call her insecure. I've seen this happen before and suggested it might be happening here. Its very common with food, drinking, fitness, career, whatever. Two people in a rut and one doesnt like the other changing. Im not saying anything controversial, codependancy is a very well documented thing. >is fatshaming, offensive, presumptive, and incredibly misogynistic. You are projecting a narrative onto what I said that simply is not there. I said nothing about him being right. I called him an asshole because he is one for throwing something she made out. She is *also* an asshole. >She might be baking because it’s her form of stress relief. If thats true she needs to find something else to do to fill in the gaps then. He didnt ask her to stop totally, just cut back while he's working through this. I have myriad health issues my husband makes concessions for, I make concessions on things for his benefit too. That's marriage. I wouldnt dream of doing all this if my husband had an ED and T2D. Please dont bother with another personal essay in response I am not interested ✌🏿

That's something I didn't consider but you're right. It sounds like codependency maybe.

Its super common. Happening with my brother and drinking right now. Apparently we all have to imagine this perfect angel can only be baking this much in this situation for her mental health though so 🤫

Sure but I also have to disagree with the people who are saying that she should stop faking all together just because it's a detriment to him. I do agree that they should come to some kind of compromise like she not put it out in front of him. However, it's not right to expect her to stop because he has a problem.

I genuinely can't say I think he's an asshole, personally. He asked her to stop for his health, she refused. She should be working with him here, not acting in detriment

Yeah she is at best enabling him and at worst sabotaging him. WSG

He needs a diabetes-focused Registered Dietitian to teach him that all foods are available with Type 2 diabetes and cutting everything out just drives the cravings and binging. Once you move past the idea of bad foods and I can't eat that (unless you have an allergy), food stops being forbidden fruit and it loses it's hold on you. That goes for so-called junk food, too. After you change your thinking it loses all temptation and becomes something you eat sometimes like every other food.

He says in the post that he’s not going cold turkey on these foods as he thinks that’s unrealistic. He just wants to limit the quantity and he finds that easiest to do by not having it in the house. Even with this specific example, he has a serving of the dish his wife made. He just doesn’t want to eat the whole tray of it. He sounds pretty reasonable in his expectations of his diet.

Frankly if my SO was doing this crap when I had to diet I would simply break up with them, lol.

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she could simply just take the baked goods to work. one of my coworkers does that since her husband is on the whole 30 diet.

I’m a hobby baker with a diabetic partner - there are a million diabetic friendly recipes for baking.

Why can't she take up diabetic friendly baking? There's tons of delicious recipes that won't throw your sugars out of whack. And if you're good at something it  can be fun to explore a new subgenre.  Sharing a home often requires compromise, especially when it comes to food. OOPs not without fault but he's trying to compromise and his partner isn't.  And as a recovering alcoholic, you should know guilting someone with a dependency issue by scolding them, "why did you let it get so bad? Why don't you just stop?," is beyond unhelpful. So is shaming a person at the beginning of their recovery journey for not being able to be near their dependency triggers. Sometimes people need distance to work on healthy coping strategies before re-engaging. 

Right. This is what I did when I found out that my ex's parents both have type 2 diabetes. I didn't lecture them and I didn't sabotage them. I simply made diabetic friendly sweets.

I think the diabetic friendly baking is actually a really great middle ground here. I'm not shaming him in anyway. It's a matter of fact that most addicts take it way too far before they get help. We ALL should have stopped sooner. That's just the truth. Does that mean it's my expectation for someone in this position? No, I'm more realistic than that. But realism doesn't change fact. He likely had lots of warning signs, like prediabetic, so it's not like this serious and damaging health condition came out of nowhere. Plus he himself admits he should have done something sooner.

He didnt ask her to stop totally just cut back to support him a bit. >What if baking is a coping mechanism for her mental health? What if its not? >Speaking as a recovering alcoholic, I have no issue staying away from drinking regardless to my proximity to alcohol. Ok? OOP isnt you. >You can't expect everyone in this guy's life to cater to his lack of willpower for the rest of his life. Who said anything about that?

“What if an entirely different set of circumstances than the ones presented here which support my worldview is the actually truth?!?! Huh? What about that?!?!?!”  What an intellectually curious and reasonable person. 

"What if shes a CIA agent who must bake 3x a week or we all die in a thermonuclear war?!?!"

They, or at least Mr. ‘crisps,’ aren’t from the US.

What if shes an CIA sleeper agent who has infiltrated the MI6?

This is actually the pretty standard Reddit response. “Okay but have you considered that this situation is actually very niche despite no indication it is?”

He didn’t ask her to stop or abandon anything. 

Nah, I mean he's TA for throwing out his wife's homemade baked goods, but the fact she isn't even trying to show support is mind boggling to me. He clearly has food addiction and needs support.

I agree, I really empathize with both sides on this one. I love to cook and bake, it’s relaxing for me and how I show people I care. I made homemade chocolate caramels and meringues this week (dropped some off at the neighbours) BUT I also make lots of healthy treats like black bean brownies, cottage cheese mini cheesecakes and egg white soft serve ice cream. She could still bake, but find healthy versions of the things her husband likes as a way to ease his transition to a new way of eating. He’s a diabetic - this is dangerous for him and he’s obviously scared.

I think that lower sugar/healthy baking is a nice compromise. I've been trying my hand at baked goods using allulose and lower calorie ingredients. By the way, do you have the recipe for the egg white soft serve ice cream? 👀

It’s super easy - just add frozen fruit and pour in some carton egg whites in a food processor, then you blend until it’s smooth like soft serve. You can put it back in the freezer to get a bit harder if you need it to. I started out with this recipe but now I don’t really measure, I just pour then blend until I like the consistency (smooth and thick like soft serve): https://www.seriouseats.com/light-and-easy-five-minute-fruit-mousse-dessert-recipe You can also use frozen bananas as a base for healthy ice creams, mixed with other fruits or flavours, or even protein drinks.

Excuse me hello could you please link me to a good bean brownie recipe the one I tried didn't work but they sound so amazing okay thank you for your time

Of course. I use this recipe as a base and often play around with the flavours, sometimes adding PB powder, mint extract, or freeze dried strawberries: https://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/no-flour-black-bean-brownies/ (you could use a sugar replacement as well)

Thank you! Very excited. 

I agree. She's acting like she doesn't give a fuck

This doesn't seem like a "he's the devil" situation. This seems like a "he's struggling with an eating disorder"

I'm mentally tearing up from seeing food addiction/binge eating disorder being recognized as a real and serious issue in this comment section

Don't go to the OOP'S comments bc it's yikes

Food addiction is a thing. Believing that ED about losing too much weight is a thing but about binging and uncontrolled eating can't possibly be is nothing but denial. Saying "GASP as a person with diabetes"/"As someone who likes junk food, I'd NEVER...!" is like saying "As someone who likes to occasionally drink a glass of wine and got drunk a couple of times my twenties, I have the authority to tell you that you're full of shit and just suck at self-control!" to an alcoholic. "But when I went on a diet/got my diabetes under control, I had no issues with self-control!" - CONGRATS, be glad, sigh a sigh of relief, you were just careless before (happens to the best of us, no judgement!), but you didn't suffer from a food addiction. We aren't doing anyone a favour, ourselves included, if we pretend that only lifestyle habits with health and weightloss in mind can potentially turn into disorders and addiction, but overeating on sugar and fat can't just because TikTok says that's the cool thing to believe these days. Disclaimer: not talking about choice. We all choose our own vices and poison and if someone says "Screw it, losing a few years on this sucky planet is worth it, I eat and live how I want and accept the consequences!", awesome. You do you. Eating habits and lifestyle choices don't define the worth and value of a person. But this is about acknowledging that unhealthy eating can absolutely turn into an addiction, and needs to be treated as such. OOP is already suffering health consequences that he does not want to accept as a consequence, and he needs help and support. Asking a partner to be supportive during a health crisis by practicing a little moderation is not evil, devilish, controlling, or abusive.

No, but throwing out their food because you can't handle it being there is.  He should be asking his therapist or doctor for help managing his impulses. No one's saying food addiction isn't real.

Eh. I used to work at a substance addiction clinic, and we suggested no alcohol in the home at all for a year, and only locked alcohol in the home for another couple of years. We had doctors and addiction counsellors on staff and that was what they suggested. We even had family programs where we helped family members recognize that impulse control is like a muscle that needs to be exercised and that putting too much temptation in the home too quickly is like giving a first-time lifter a 200 lb barbell to overhead press and then being mad at them that they got hurt. So, I personally think that his wife is either sabotaging or not recognizing the depth of his addiction.

It's not just impulse control, it's muscle memory and autopilot. If you have done X for years, it's really hard not to just automatically do X before you even realize.

Not to mention its food, you cant simply just go "im never eating food again" in order to go cold turkey. Food addiction is a whole other struggle that takes teamwork and therapy, and holding yourself accountable. It also doesnt help if you have any mental disorders that are addiction prone (ADHD, probably more idk of).

Oh... damn. That explains a lot. I've struggled with food addiction for my whole life, and have adhd. I never knew they were linked!

Yeah ADHD sucks, and my biggest hate is the food addiction lol. Thats why im on vyvanse, it makes me actually feel full and not want to eat. But oh lord once that medicine wears off..... hell breaks loose.

eh his wife is not helping him. marriages are a partnership. my wife and i never go on diets alone, always together.

Yeah to add to this: I can't eat gluten. I have literally no problems not eating gluten because I don't *want* to eat it at all. My husband however eats completely gluten free so that I don't have even an ounce of anxiety from cross contamination while eating in my house. Spouses should be supportive, especially when health is involved.

Exactly. I can't eat gluten, my husband only eats it out of the house. I never asked him to, he just does. My dad can't eat gluten, my mom is totally gluten free. Spouses support eachother. She's totally sabotaging him.

My mom can’t eat gluten but my dad can. My dad eats GF every time he’s with her but has his own snack cabinet with stuff like Little Debbie’s. My mom doesn’t like that stuff so it’s not an issue. She does LOVE croissants so my dad doesn’t bring home croissants bc she couldn’t stop herself from having one bc they are her fave things ever. It works for them and for her. Partnership.

I have a girlfriend that can't have any part of dairy. We don't live together but within four hours of being around her, my diet changes to being safe for her.

If it was alcohol or drugs the advice would be to get rid of it or lock it up where he can't get to it, why is food any different Between an alcoholic drinking a whole bottle or dumping it down the drain the drain is the good option

If he was an alcoholic or cocaine-fiend and his wife brought in his absolute favorite vodka and high grade blow, would you think the same if he dumped those substances to protect his sobriety? There have been repeated studies that show will power is extremely finite. One study had two groups in a room with cookies. One could have as many as they liked. One could only one, but there were more on the plate. vmThen they were given a math test. The deprived group quit the test significantly earlier because they didn't have the will to keep doing uncomfortable things. Doctors at UCSF have said sugar is more addictive than heroin.

Honestly, his wife sounds like an enabler. She seems to be actively sabotaging him. When controlling food intake, not buying things and not having them in the house is the most effective means of self-control. She's preventing him from doing that.

I'd bet a lot of money she is also overweight and doesnt want him to be thinner. A lot of people who share the same issue be it food, drinking, whatever cant stand it when one of them wants to make changes.

It's toxic as hell but some people think that their partner is going to leave them just because one of them got "better" hell i know a guy at work who was complaining because his girlfriend started going to the gym and "other guys will want look at her"

Exactly. My brother is going through it right now after cleaning his act up with drinking and an extremely relaxed lifestyle. He's cleaned up and locked in and my SIL is not happy about it at all.

She is sabotaging him. If he went to a therapist and said she was baking and bringing home that much junk food a therapist would recommend her coming to a session to explain how she’s creating an environment where he cannot possibly overcome his addiction BED isn’t like most addictions, you don’t need alcohol and drugs to live (regardless how it feels during withdrawal), you do however need food to live and you will always need food to live

would it have been ok if he had eaten the whole tray? she knew that if she left it he would be likely to eat it all, yet left it out anyway. that makes it sound like she's either intentionally or unintenionally sabotoging his efforts some. if your spouse was addicted to alcohol you wouldn't bring home alochol every day and leave it open on the table He does need help, he needs a professional and the support of his family. If he said she can't have any in the house at all I could see it being harder for her but he's just asking she leave less of it around. That seems realy very reasonable for someone she loves.

>would it have been ok if he had eaten the whole tray? This is such a good point. The baked goods are gone either way.

[удалено]

So true! I'm in a similar but different situation where I'm always trying to save leftovers that we 99% of the time forget about (my daughter and I both have severe ADHD), and it would just have been better to throw it away in the first place. (Takes up room, makes it hard to put away new groceries, goes bad, etc.) But it's like dealing with the generational issues passed down to not waste *anything* isn't productive at all. How does that mindset help me? It hasn't and doesn't. It actively makes my life worse. But it's so hard to deprogram that stuff.

I am still learning that, I now only keep the things we are most likely to eat but there's always the few things we forget and I would rather just throw it out first then wait for it to go bad and then throw it out.

If he could control himself, he wouldn't be obese. He is trying to \*learn\* better control and habits, and she's sabotaging him. It is entirely reasonable for a recovering alcoholic to ask that there not be any alcohol in the house. In this case, he has repeatedly asked his wife to stop buying or making junk foods because he has a problem with food and needs help regulating. That's an entirely reasonable request, and it's a dick move on her part not to show any respect or support to him. She has options. She could have taken her baked good to a neighbor or to her work. She could bake only what she herself will eat in a short time frame. If she wants chips and candy, she can buy them in smaller proportions and keep them in her personal space (office, bedroom, something like that).

It's just food. His health is more important than food. She can bake more. She can't bake another husband.

I'm pretty sure if OOP was an alcoholic and she kept leaving cocktails around the house and bringing in excessive amounts of vodka, people wouldn't really be talking about self-control. Is this just hatred of fat people?

>Is this just hatred of fat people? Yes.

People are always hating on fat people. Like clockwork.

yes especially given OP’s comments on the original original AITA post

Ooof. I am really hard pressed to call OP a devil in this case. As the wife of spouse with T2D, why is she not supporting him? I LOVE to bake. However, I have started to figure out how to make my baking T2D friendly so that my husband can enjoy it without it causing issues. It really isn't that hard to figure out or do. I can't figure out why she not helping him.

I don’t think OP is a devil. He told his wife that for right now he needs her to buy less chocolate and make less cakes - that’s not asking *a lot*, the fact she refuses to meet him in the middle AT ALL makes her the devil IMO 🤷🏻‍♀️

OOP may be TA but his wife seems like she may be sabotaging his efforts. I get not wanting to stop eating what you like but why bring in huge amounts of junk when the other person is trying to make a lifestyle change for the better and is just starting it.

The ~~making~~ baking sounds like her hobby.  He shouldn’t stop that, but she could take it to work, or give it to a friend.    Honestly… this couple sounds like either the wife needs a lock box for all the treats she’s buying…or they are going to get a divorce.     Because she doesn’t seem to GAF about him, and he’s retaliating in a ridiculous manner, and that’s going to lead to nasty fights,     He should also be seeing a therapist to help him learn not to binge. 

Yeah it's just so hard. I don't have an eating addiction but even giving up food i just like is hard. Food is *everywhere*. It's going to take time for him to develop new and healthier habits and if lifestyle led him to t2 diabetes it's so serious that she should be endeavoring to help him not enable bad habits.

He said he hasn't asked her to stop but to just reduce the frequency. Baking a whole tray of something 2-3x per week for only two people is a lot. (Then she meets what she knows are his favorites, offers him some, and then leaves the whole tray there?)

Like…if the person you claim to love is struggling with an addiction (and junk food addiction is a real thing), you are a real AH if you can’t keep that thing out of the house, at least when they are newly trying to get past that addiction. The funny thing is, if it were alcohol, most people would agree - just don’t keep it in the house for now. But these same people act like not having cookies and cakes and chips around is not fair. Like, nobody *needs* these. If you yourself don’t have difficulty controlling your junk food intake, then just get it when you are at work or whatever. I can’t imagine how selfish one must be to be unwilling to (most likely temporarily) not have junk food in the house when their loved one’s health is at stake.

Yeah this is where I land. I think applies to things like allergies too. If you are married you do things to support the health of your spouse. When my husband was on dialysis he couldn't have some foods like cheese so I didn't buy things like little cheese snacks as I knew he loved them and would be so stressed to not be able to eat them. I also made kidney friendly food and things like pizza with vegan cheese. It is what you do when you love the person.

It’s also if the person asking for support in the dietary restrictions is pregnant. There’s posts here all the time of a woman with gestational diabetes asking her husband to not bring home McDonald’s and eat in front of her, or sushi or whatever else she’s not able to eat the same as she was previous. The overwhelming consensus is that while it’s unreasonable to stop eating those things entirely it’s common courtesy to not wave food in front of your partners face when they are unable to eat it for medical reasons and they’ve explicitly asked you to support them by cutting down. 

I also wonder what he considers "huge amounts" too though. Like is she bringing a shopping cart full of chocolate bars into the house, or is she buying one of those 5packs of chocolate bars that lasts her a month if he doesn't get into it and a bag or 2 of chips? But there's definitely a compromise to be made, her baking can be done with low carb and low sugar options and the like so he can still enjoy them without crashing his diet completely.

Hang on, the wife is a total angel here for unnecessarily baking sweets 3+ times a week and leaving out an entire tray of flapjacks, but the wife who smuggled chips and soda into the ED treatment facility to sabotage her husband was the devil... make it make sense. Is the difference here because reddit doesn't believe in EDs or addictions unless the person is actually an inpatient?

OOP is not the devil, this is very clearly a person struggling with an eating disorder.

Nah I don’t think OP is the devil here. He’s dealing with a new diagnosis of a chronic disorder that has the potential to become debilitating and life threatening if he doesn’t get it under control… all while getting zero support from his wife who frankly seems like she’s trying to send him to an early grave. Say what you want about it being her hobby, she could very well compromise and be baking healthier things or cut down her baking to one or two times a week. I can’t imagine being so selfish that I’d put a hobby above my partner’s health

Former binge eater, current alcoholic here. I'm going to go against the grain and say I don't think OP was an intentional asshole, but tossing handmade food is definitely a dick move. I've found BED functions the same as alcoholism, as in the mentality surrounding it. For example, It's hard to say "no" to something when I can feel the trigger item staring right at me, badgering me. That's what addiction feels like. It's not as simple as "just don't do it", it's a physical compulsion to engage. That's one of the reasons therapy should absolutely be involved when treating addiction. I don't blame him for tossing it, because he was under duress to relapse, but a conversation needs to be had with his wife. You know, THE conversation. The "I have a problem and I need help" conversation. One of the hardest conversations an addict can have because it requires self-awareness and humility. It's *humiliating* to admit you have a problem. It's especially humiliating when the addiction in question is food. It feels like a moral failing, but it's not, it's a sickness that needs treatment. For additional background: I developed alcoholism after I had weight loss surgery. I was not actively engaging in BED and had not for a couple years prior to surgery. It is an unfortunate risk and complication associated with the surgery due to addiction transfer. One in five develop alcoholism after WLS. Since I didn't recognize and acknowledge what kicked off my BED and the disordered mentality, the habits transferred and I'm now struggling with alcoholism. I'm seeking treatment with my healthcare team and I also have the support of my fiance to keep me honest about my engagement and consumption. I have had The Conversation with my fiance and healthcare team, and I admitted I have a problem and I need help. Support systems are necessary when overcoming addiction.

OP says being addicted to food is not like alcoholism or drugs, BUT IT IS. It’s exactly like that for me and will kill me. I started drinking after my VGS but I can drink or not drink. I don’t care. Shopping though? Yeah. I developed a shopping addiction after my sleeve. I finally figured out that I don’t care whose money it is, I just like shopping, so I do instacart on the side to feed my addiction.

They're related in that both disorders are about control and regaining control of the life in inappropriate ways. I'm certain you've heard a dozen times, "I don't have a problem, I can quit whenever I want!" from an active addict. I found I felt a severe lack of control over my life when my BED was at its worst. The BED also improved when I felt I had control over my life. It's the same right now with the alcoholism, it's now a matter of finding the stressor and eliminating it, followed by therapy to remap the brains ability to cope.

Yep. I know. I’m just grateful I found a way to cope with the shopping addiction without going completely bankrupt. And that it wasn’t something worse… like drugs or alcohol.

ah yes, fat people suck for being fat and they suck for trying to do better. he asked multiples times for just an ounce of support from his partner, he acknowledges it's his issue, but yea he's an ass for losing his cool once and tossing some day old pastries. bc fuck fatty amirite? we're supposed to be able to lean on our partners when we're in hard times, our partners are suppose to support us in sickness and in health, they are suppose to support us in our pursuit of our goals, and likewise we should do all those things for our partner. he never asked her to change her diet, simple the amount of these items stored in their home, not her home not his home, their home. That is absolutely a reasonable request 

Yup.  My partner got diagnosed with type 2 and hypertension a couple of years ago. I can’t imagine hanging him out to dry this way. We both made lots of lifestyle changes to enable him to get his health manageable.  I also love baking - it’s a fun hobby. It was a lot of fun to learn new diabetes friendly recipes and figure out how to make healthier food nice to eat.  There’s a balance - we still indulge occasionally and if I want to eat a particular trigger food of my partners - I do it at work or something. Like, sure, “no one owes you anything” but I’ve made promises to my partner and supporting his health is one of those. 

exactly, my ex was celiac so I was basically gluten free for years. If a person isn't going to support and help their partner through this kind of stuff I don't think they're much of a partner at all. 

Agreed. It always amazes me how many redditors see relationships as a competition and trot out lines about not being owed anything or “fucking around and finding out” or whatever pithy saying they’re vomiting out this week. Relationships require a lot of work, support and grace to each to be good relationships. I suspect there is an intersection of anti-fat bias here too - because the idea that fat deserve support instead of shame and ridicule is still a controversial opinion for some reason.

oh that bias is clear by OP's title choice "no self control" if OOP was an alcoholic and wife kept stocking the liquor cabinet it'd be tearing the wife to shreds, but no, since the addiction is food the attitude is just 'control yourself fatty'

Your spouse does owe you things. You've made vows to each other; you've promised things to one another. At the very least, your spouse should be invested in your health, because they *love you* and would prefer for you to be *alive.* They should not be actively sabotaging your health or your needs. "You can't change me" and "I don't owe you anything" and whatever are all well and good for single people navigating the world alone, but they go out the window when you make a conscious choice to tie your fate to someone else's for life. You *have* to make compromises, because compromises help both of you get closer to your shared goals. If you don't have shared goals, if you don't care about your spouse's well-being... why the hell are you married? You can be a rock all by yourself without dragging someone else down with you. I think OOP here is barely an AH -- if that were my husband, and he walked into the kitchen and thought "I can either eat all of these right now or I can throw them all away right now" I would be proud of him for choosing his health over instant gratification, even if I had weird/unpleasant feelings about having wasted my time or ingredients or whatever. It would also be an epic wakeup call that I need to shift my mindset and start making some different choices so that I can support him better because I want him to be healthy and alive for as long as possible. One spouse's medical crisis should be all hands on deck, not something for that person to navigate entirely alone.

I mean… that was kind of my entire point?

I know! I was elaborating. Sorry, I had a glass of wine and felt very strongly about this post.

That makes sense! I’m often in the same boat! Enjoy your wine :)

Yeah, if he's asked multiple times but she keeps making cakes *2 to 3* times a week? On top of still buying other junk food? It's just unnecessary. She could absolutely cut down on it, at least bring the cakes to work with her. She's his wife but right now she doesn't seem to care to do the bare minimum he's asked of her.

Right? How do you see your partner struggling and not do whatever you can to support them? This reads like she’s deliberately sabotaging him.

Former Diabetic here, you are wrong. This isn't judgement about someone's weight, it's about how they are handling a health crisis. You cannot ask other people to stop their eating habits to accommodate yours. He DOES need to learn self control, this is something he needs to learn how to say no to for his own health. He has diabetes, he shouldn't have even had one. Diabetes is all about learning self control and having to take extreme measures to make sure your health is your priority. She can absolutely keep baking things and bringing food into the house, if he is having a hard time then he needs to give himself a diabetic appropriate set of snacks to consume when he is tempted because he is always going to be put in situations where he will be tempted. He is setting himself up to be the diabetic who has half his dessert from a restaurant and the other half the next day and thinks he is doing the healthy thing and just tries to manage things with insulin. The fact that he is up front about saying it's unrealistic to go cold turkey tells you a lot about what his diabetic eating habits look like. If his wife buys a bunch of crisps then he simply needs to not eat them, unless she has some kind of extreme crisp hoarding issue then she won't be buying more unless they are consumed. If she is baking 2-3 times a week then he needs to stop eating any, when her food is still sitting there in the fridge and it goes bad she can learn to make smaller portions for herself or freeze her treats so they last long enough for just her to consume. Support for a diabetic would look like their partner learning to cook diabetic friendly meals, buying lettuce with your burger buns, splitting the lasagna into two pans with one being noodle free, making cauliflower rice with dinner, etc. Another way of supporting him if he is looking to lose weight to help manage his numbers is to start taking evening walks together as a date night. This is what support is.

For the same reason I wouldn't judge someone to ask their partner not to keep booze in the house if they were struggling, I do not think it's beyond the pale to ask a partner not to bake 2-3 times a week and buying excessive amounts of sweets for someone struggling with food addiction. It hopefully isn't forever, but getting over the hump of any addiction is really difficult. this is an ESH thing, she's not being a supportive partner to her struggling partner. If you can't ask for help from your partner during a health crisis, that's not a good partner

THANK YOU

It seems society is kinder towards people struggling with alcohol or drugs because they're seen as *real* addictions. Whereas disordered eating, especially if it results in fatness, is just a lack of will. I've got a few foods that just cannot come into my house because I will become a bottomless pit (looking at you, delicious delicious Oreos) and so if my partner really wants them- they'd better be hidden from me. For the same reason, I don't bring liquor into the house because he tries to not drink at home but it's really hard to say no when I've made a cocktail.

ive quit cocaine, xanax, gambling, and ambien. i have still yet to kick my sugar addiction after many many many attempts

I cut sugar for 6 months to lose weight and I SWEAR TO GOD the first taste of sugar I had after that gave me the *exact* same feeling as indulging in a drug in a relapse. I’m also an ex-addict. The feelings were basically the same. Haven’t touched drugs for years, but sugar gets me every time. I eat mars bars in my car sometimes to protect my diabetic partner from my addiction 😭😂

oh yeah i know the feeling. i know its my addictive personality making it worse, but i can avoid other possible vices yet sugar always gets me so bad.

exactly! i've quit drinking, I've quit crack, food is harder by far. food is so readily available, from where I'm sitting I have a dozen restaurants and a grocery store, I could satisfy any craving in a few steps.  every gathering is centered around food every celebration is there's food, it's inescapable. 

"You're fat, it's your fault, just stop eating, solve the problem now" "Ok guys I'm solving the problem but I need help and the closest person I got aint helping me at all" "Lmao no, gfy, it's your problem lol, get rekt asshole"

>For me though, food is like an addiction, i don't want to compare it to more hardcore addictions like drugs or alcohol, but I am constantly wanting to eat junk and treat food (which is how I got into this mess in the first place). Very relatable to me, and I can't help but feel bad for OOP even if throwing the food out wasn't great. They need to at least get a lock box or locked mini fridge for the wife like someone else suggested.

yeah, it seems to me that he’s pretty self aware but still struggles which is okay and understandable. what i have a problem with is the lack of support from his wife. i just can’t imagine myself behaving like her in such situations. if my partner came to me an said: “hey my doc said i cannot eat XYZ, and it’s really hard to me, can you please don’t bring those products home or do it less often, it’s for my health?”, i would do this without a second thought.

What is this doing here?

Obvious ESH. The wife doesn't have to completely change her life but this overkill. Buying junk food every week, baking sweets every other day. Is she trying to kill OOP? As a loving spouse, why would you do this?? Then him throwing out the dessert was wrong.

r/bingeeatingdisorder

This guy is an asshole but not the devil. He's in the early days of struggling against a major lifelong problem and is bound to do stupid things on impluse. The top comment on that post is really good, I think if they can work something out as a couple (locked pantry, her baking for friends/family/coworkers instead of him). Of course he needs to make it up to her for tossing them, but he's not abusive or evil.

This doesn't belong in this sub. Would you call someone the devil if they kept bringing liquor into a home they share with a recovering alcoholic? Obesity is one of the biggest health issues we have in this country...

NTA. Yes, OOP has no self control with food. That's why they developed diabetes! Tossing the cakes was extreme, but not that unreasonable. Wife isn't taking their health seriously. If I had a friend with OOP's problems, I wouldn't give them cakes to take home, nor would I eat junk food around them.

I don’t see how OP is the devil, like what? Clearly it’s food addiction which just like any other is quite hard to get over (especially since he’s also got diabetes). Is it an ass move to throw them away? Yes. But imo it’s even worse to buy excessive junk food and bake excessively your husband’s favourite sugar filled goods knowing these can fuel him into an early grave. His wife is completely out of touch and is not a good supporter. That’s wild tbh.

You should see the comments in the original post. Vile

i thought i was insane for a moment when i read comments there, anyone who even hinted at the fact that the wife is not the best here too was heavily downvoted even if they were polite and acknowledged OP’s wrongdoings.

No Devil here. Eating disorders are a real thing and she's risking his health for her bad habits. Like, get a lock box, bake once a week and give the excess produced treats to neighbours or homeless people or something. But baking treats that often is gonna end up with someone in a coffin.

It honestly sounds like OOP has binge eating disorder which is a food addiction in layman’s terms. So yea for whatever reason OOP doesn’t have self control just like any other addict. But unlike other addicts OOP needs his addiction to literally survive Dude is trying to get his health on track and his wife is being unsupportive. I love to bake too, but 2-3 a week for two people is excessive

Uh, I’m on his side here. It’s really hard to stay on track when your partner is unsupportive and constantly filling the house with garbage food.

I guess I'm missing something because I don't think this belongs here.

Mfw I come here for people being obviously evil, and you give me people tossing out food to try to escape addiction. Do better.

But fat people bad :(

I don’t think this person is the devil. It is unreasonable of his wife to bake these things several times a week when he is struggling so bad. His wife doesn’t seem to want to make a compromise like he offered. She is more of an AH than him. Would we be calling him the devil if he had a drug addiction and she brought heroin into the house and he threw it out? Addictions ARE the same when it comes to compulsion.

OP admits he has an eating issue but decided to go about it toxically. he needs to see an ed specialist/dietician

Frankly speaking, I see one asshole in this situation and it is the wife. Especially with buying so much junk food. Diabetes is not a joke and before finally making healthy eating a habit and a way of life, some support is essential. If she wants to eat junk, at least don't do it in front of a person, who is forbidden to eat it. I know what I'm talking about, my sister has Type 1 Diabetes for 20 years, and during the first months she was figuring out how to live with this diagnosis, we never brought home food that was bad for her condition. That wasn't even a matter of conversation, despite she insisted we should not change our eating habits for her, as we're not on a diet, she's the one on a diet and she's grown up. Until we saw her coping better with the food (she would skip meals just to eat something sweet), and the coping better with maintaining somewhat normal blood sugar levels, simply at home there was no chocolate or cake. Whoever wanted to eat chocolate/ cake, ate it at work, school, or on the way to there. It is simple. Back to the wife - she really can adapt the things she bake to be more diabetes friendly, and sure as hell she should stop bringing home junk food. The husband needs to visit a therapist because that reaction - throwing out food - it is not irritation towards the wife, it is anger at the illness he has and refusal to accept he's a diabetic.

This is such bullshit. This is like people who expect other people not to drink because they're an alcoholic. I had a friend who was like that and I stopped hanging out with him.

There's a GIGANTIC difference between expecting a friend to not drink, and asking your spouse who you live with to bring on fewer sweets for a while. Such a big difference it's weird to even mention them in the same sentence.

You sound like a peach. If someone has just started getting sober and their spouse buys a ton of alcohol and leaves it all over the house, that spouse is an asshole.

Of course they would be but he destroyed something of hers because he has no self control

Yes, he has no self control and ***she knew that*** but left it there anyways. She knew if she left it, her husband who is stuggling with a deadly addiction would eat it. If a struggling alcoholic dumped homemade wine to get rid of it after repeatedly asking his wife not to bring it home, people wouldn't blame him. Expecially if the doctor told him further drinking would bring him to an early grave. It's a dick move that shows no awareness or care for his well-being being as her spouse.

No one looks good here imo. He shouldn’t have thrown out the food she baked. She is being very inconsiderate of the fact that her sick husband is trying to make better choices in the face of pretty extreme temptation, temptation that she’s creating. I have a similar issue to OP. If food is in front of me and I’m not feeling strong, I will eat all of it. The healthiest I’ve ever been is when I was buying groceries for myself in college, because that meant I only had to resist temptation in the store. If I didn’t bring any home, I was fine. But when it’s home you have to resist temptation ALL THE TIME, which would get to be too much for anyone. Like, I quit soda cold turkey back then. Wouldn’t touch it for months. But since moving in with my parents, who buy it regularly, I’ve fallen back into all my old habits, no matter how hard I try. When my mom got diagnosed with T2, we all cut back until she was able to manage it. I don’t understand why his wife isn’t willing to do the same.

She’s actively sabotaging him. He’s asked her to cut it down and she won’t. She’s either a feeder or a murderer.

T2 here (thanks covid). My bestie looooves to cook and bake. Any excuse, any day, any time. I eat at her place all the damn time (I hate cooking), but I never tell her she can't cook/bake something because I can't eat it. I just don't eat everything she cooks. It took about 3 months for me to get my head right about food (mostly because nutritionists and dieticians are giving diabetics food advice that's ridiculously outdated. If you don't believe me, go to the T2 sub, it's full of posts from people saying their doctor/dietitian/nutritionist/endo said to keep carbs under 150 grams per day, which is way too fucking high, it's more like under 20 grams/day) - I kept trying whole grain this, portion controlled that, anything not to have to give up bread and pasta. But it didn't work. I unlike OOP, I did finally go cold turkey, and also started intermittent fasting. And it worked. And I still go to my friends place and eat her yummy food, I'm just selective in what I eat - she's Mexican, so always makes rice, I just don't eat it, and she knows why and isn't offended. I used to bring my own low carb tortillas, but she started buying them because she likes them better than regular flour tortillas 😂. But it's all on me. It's not on her, or anyone else to check how I eat. Just like it's not on OOP's wife to take on the mental load of him making bad food choices because he has the impulse control of a toddler. She shouldn't have to police what he eats. If he really wanted to get better, he'd do it w/o her having to take responsibility for a grown ass man. As for those comparing his food issues to cigarettes, drugs or alcohol, guess what? Mom and dad were both chain smokers. Dad was also an alcoholic and drug addict. Sister and brother are both recovering alcoholics (I didn't come out of this maelstrom w/ any addictions, just a whole lot of cptsd). Brother and sister both have alcohol in their homes, they choose not to drink it. Brother because he's a stubborn bastard, sister because of AA. All this to say, stop trashing OOP's wife - it's not her job to make him make better food choices, so stop trying to make it her job. It's his job. It's his responsibility. And all y'all insinuating maybe she's baking so he'll eat himself to death? Fuck off with that noise. Tho personally, I think this is pure rage bait. Cause being diabetic, and eating as badly as he says he is, you feel like complete garbage. And not the oh, I'm thirsty all the time and peeing like a racehorse, the omg I've been puking for 2 months, I can't eat or keep anything down, I'm nauseated all the time, etc. That's how my Dr and I found out I even had T2, because I had no genetic predisposition or even pre-diabetes. So yeah, thanks covid 🖕

So your friend has been kind enough to make adjustments because they care about you. That's all that this person is hoping for from his wife. We do things for people we love, not because we are supposed too (though I can't see why not) but because we love them.

No, she hasn't. I don't expect her to either. I eat what I can, and that's fine with both of us.

He has no self-control, so his wife needs to cut back on her hobby. Look. I get it. I have ADHD so I have next to no impulse control. One of the things I struggle with is food and controlling how much of it I eat. But that's my problem. And while yes, his wife could be a little more supportive, he has no right throwing away the things she's put time and effort into. It's a waste of food and idk about you, but I'd be pissed and heartbroken if something I made, be it food or otherwise, was thrown in the trash because my partner can't control themselves. It's not the same as a drug or alcohol addiction. You can't just keep all food out of the house. He's going to have to learn to deal. Especially as it's not just junk food that causes weight issues. *Any* food in large quantities is bad for your health.

Why is it not the same as drug or alcohol addiction? Like scientifically, why you do think it’s not the same? 

My dad was diabetic I loved my dad If I had treats he couldn't have I kept them in my room where they weren't a concern for him I live with someone with ADD If I bring home chocolate and don't hide it they will eat it and then feel bad I do not buy large amounts of chocolate (whcih is better for me anyway) I hope that other people love you the way family or partners should and can support you

Right he should have eaten it so it didn't go to waste./s He is trying to learn to deal. It takes TIME to learn things, including impulse control.

He’s only 2 months in!!!!!! It is SO hard to change your lifestyle/diet after living that way for so long! I’m honestly really impressed OOP was able to make those changes to his diet within 2 months. He’s trying his best and is struggling and asking for his partner’s help and support. He’s not asking her to stop her lifestyle/diet - he’s just asking for help with temptation.

I can't for the life of me think of any good reason the wife had for leaving it at the house. Honestly.

Wanting to have them later? If wife can easily regulate her own intake she might not have a good understanding that he can't.

Well, hopefully she learned her lesson. She can keep the food somewhere else for her.

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This feels like a ESH kind of situation. He should not be tossing the food his wife spent time on and probably wanted to enjoy. On the flip side. It sounds like there’s been no compromise at all on her end. Yes, eating junk food is his problem, but partners are supposed to lift each other up. Throwing away the flapjacks was childish. Baking whole cakes and whatnot 2-3 times a week and leaving them around the house when you know your husband is diabetic and is trying to cut back is also childish. I say this as someone with dietary restrictions, nothing is worse than spending all day staring at all the foods you know you shouldn’t eat and desperately want to. The self discipline is hard to maintain. Especially early on. If she wants to bake so often, she should either find another way to use up the desserts, like sharing them with coworkers and stuff, or cut back. She can’t expect herself to polish off that amount of baked goods on her own. Alternatively she needs a place to store it that is out of his way that he cannot access. OR she can start trying to bake desserts he is capable of eating safely, so they can both enjoy them. Personally having been in his shoes, I’m more on the husbands side.

This is the first time I've ever in my life thought to say the following sentence: What a putz.

I'm 50/50 on this one. I've struggled with my weight all my life, and while it's partly genetics and a non-related health condition that affects my ability to exercise, my inability to control my eating has played a large part. It really does feel like an addiction, to the point where I have hidden the packaging of things I've bought and eaten from partners, friends and family. Like OOP, I'm working on it. And like his wife, baking is a hobby, so portion control on the things I make and don't give away is hard. Yes, he got himself in this situation but he's trying and 2 months isn't a very long time to change. Having one flapjack instead of the whole pan IS self control and it sounds like he doesn't feel supported by his wife. My ex, despite being T1 diabetic and needing some junk food around to maintain her blood sugar levels, managed to reduce the amount of unhealthy snacks she got and we worked together to find healthier snacks and meals. And I dropped 2 dress sizes before we separated. Support is everything.