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YTA. Honestly, you should never have made a kid if your morale was so easy to drain. This is only the pregnancy and you are not even the one building the baby. I can't imagine how it's going to be once the baby is there...
Your wife is going through one of the hardest thing in her life. She is building a WHOLE BABY. If you can't support her NOW, I feel sorry for her....
Yeah, this! Like he thinks it is going to get better! One of the many, many reasons I never wanted kids is I am downright miserable if my sleep gets interrupted, like wanting to smother my (ex)husband with a pillow for snoring, kind of miserable. I feel super sorry for his wife because you know she's always going to be on baby duty. They might as well get divorced now so he can get his sleep so he can work and financially support the baby while she can get a man that supports her.
>One of the many, many reasons I never wanted kids
Honestly, I wish more people were like you. Having kids is HARD and it's not for everyone. It's better to choose to life your best life without kids than having some because society tells you it's what you need to do.
No one needs to have kids. Living a kid-free life is totally valid.
One of the reasons I got my tubes removed as early as I could. I've never wanted kids, seeing people post here reaffirms that and I hate the *BUT KIDS ARE THE BEST THING OF YOUR LIFE* in reality, kids BECOME your life.
I'd much rather be called a crazy cat lady (with only having 2 cats) and deal with my "mistake" than worry about having kids.
Yeah all she does is lie there and GROW A WHOLE HUMAN, cramps, joint and muscle pain, dizziness and the like but while he goes to work guys. His life is tough, cut him some slack. 🙄
I was diagnosed with RA in my late 20s, and it went into remission whilst I was pregnant. Despite that, it was still the most miserable 9 months of my life. I spent the entire pregnancy feeling like I had the flu, and covered in very itchy hives (PUPP). Then, to top it off, I thought I'd recovered fairly well (no baby blues etc) but when I had to stop breastfeeding at 4 months, I was hit with severe PPD, and my RA returned with a vengence. I love my kid, but I'll never have another one because of how bloody awful the pregnancy was. OP YTA and go eat a bag of dicks...
It's lol that OP is complaining about lack of sleep and the baby isn't even born yet. He clearly never talked to ppl who already had kids about how much sleep they got with a newborn baby
I remember a quote from Colin Powell
> The day the soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care.
His wife became distant because she lost confidence that he will actually listen and try to help with the problems she is having and concluded he does not care.
If this guy is working multiple shifts a day and his wife refuses to let him get any sleep, then I can see a problem that they need to compromise on. He’s allowed to be stressed, picking up extra work and hoping he can make enough money. She’s allowed to be worried and anxious and scared. They need to talk and come up with a compromise that gives her the time she needs to talk and him the time he needs to sleep. And they need to be on the same page as a team so they can function and manage when the baby does arrive otherwise, the next post will be from the wife about how her husband never helps with the baby or the husband that the wife is constantly nagging him. Marriage is hard work. If you’re not communicating well, you make it 100x harder.
Let's wait till the baby is there, the stress won't end.
YTA OP, learn how to deal with stress and how to communicate with ur wife properly.
Saying she can't complain or should complain less is so unempathic, what does she even complain about?
Are those the things about the pregnancy or about you? If it's the second one u should start to listen and talk to her, that's something proper communication needs.
Plus with how many social media channels that are literally based on nothing but reading AITA posts, I can guarantee this post has already been screenshot-ed and saved somewhere
Jesus YTA, there are ways you could have handled it, like when she's complaining point out all the good things like the fact she's going to snuggle the baby and all that nice stuff that comes after. Instead you choose to aa selfish jerk thinking you have it worse that your pregnant wife. She had zero support from you. I feel incredibly sorry for your wife.
Also, the pity olympics? He thinks her discomfort at being pregnant (I'm assuming she's probably in her third trimester since he says she's been pregnant for a while) is some kind of game or competition to her?
I can't stand people like OP who lack any sympathy, it's even worse than people who do actually make a competition about complaining (like oh you have this bad thing going on? I've got it even worse). Just offer a kind ear to your wife and rub her feet, OP. If you can't stand hearing people complain, what are you going to do when your kid turns four and goes through a phase where they whine over everything?
Pregnancy is the fucking worst, too. At the end you are so exhausted but you’re so uncomfortable and your bladder is so small that you can barely sleep. To say nothing of the months of nausea and superhuman ability to smell every disgusting odor within 500 yards. OH BUT OP IS TIRED.
I can't believe how miserable I was towards the end of my pregnancy. And I had an easier pregnancy than most. No nausea or other rough symptoms, but at the end...MY GOD. The level of discomfort my own body was putting me through...not to mention the stress of actually having my first baby and stressing over impending motherhood. I couldn't get comfortable to sleep or even just sit there and breathe. All that while I still had plenty of weeks to go. Like, was I supposed to keep that to myself according to OP? That's so sad for his wife.
I’m 29 weeks and I’m SO uncomfortable all the time. I legitimately can’t even clean my house, because I’m anemic, so literally just walking from the living room to the kitchen gets me so out of breath and I feel like I’m going to pass out. I cried yesterday because I was trying so hard to just clean the goddamn living room. I’ve still got 10 weeks of this shit.
I went to bed 2 hours ago. I’ve been rolling around trying to get comfortable. I finally just gave up and grabbed my phone.
I've been there, friend. It's so rough but you've got this! I hope you have one of those nifty pregnancy pillows. If not consider one! They helped, even if just a little bit 🩷
I do! It was one of my first purchases! And I’m getting one of those support belt things tomorrow! The funny thing is, this is my second pregnancy. My first child is 16, so it’s been a while. As miserable as I am, my first was BAD. I had kidney problems throughout, and was in the hospital for my entire 3rd trimester. This one hasn’t been as bad. I’m older obviously, so the exhaustion is practically unbearable. I can sleep for 14 hours, get up, do whatever for like an hour, and go right back to bed. I also think this baby is going to be much bigger than his sister was
30 weeks here. I’ve been chemo exhausted and bipolar depression exhausted and mania comedown exhausted. This exhaustion is something I can’t even describe. My husband cleaned the entire house today while I slept, but now he’s sleeping and I can’t sleep 😩
Don't forget all of your internal organs being kicked and feet getting stuck in the ribs, the baby bouncing around randomly, especially when you're resting, and then when the end of that very long 40ish weeks of pure torture you get to labor for long hours, push a baby out of a small opening and continue to deal with changes to your body while you now have a screaming new born to take care of.
Sheesh, I pity his wife.
Edit-typo
Mine thought my left hip was the exit. He was literally crammed into the socket. He was transverse for weeks and refused to move. So, the day I was scheduled for them to try a manual adjustment, I go in for my umpteenth ultrasound (due to issues I required them every 2 weeks starting from about 5.5 months and then weekly the last 2 months) and by some miracle he finally found the right way out and had fully engaged and had fully dropped. I was so thankful, they didn't have to do the manual manipulation on me. Boy, was that whole month + that he was transverse horribly uncomfortable! I had a really rough pregnancy. I was on bed rest for the last 3.5 months, trying to get me to full term, so 2 weeks before my due date I said "screw it" and started walking, finally getting out of the house again (I hadn't before except for my weekly appointments, but even then they made me use a wheelchair), even then the little bugger didn't want to come out once it was finally time, lol. They scheduled my induction for a 6 am check-in time (5 days after my due date) only for my water to finally break just before midnight. He was born at 6:04 on my induction date. We did all of this to keep him in, only for him to finally decide "no I'm quite comfy in here, I'll stay a little longer" and then "oh! You're going to make me come out, fine I guess I'll come out....but you better be ready because I'm coming out fast", my doctor barely made it, the nurses were going to deliver him, lol. They told me if I ever got pregnant again that the moment my contractions start, I would need to get immediately to the hospital. I went from 2cm from midnight to 5am, got my epidural and was immediately at 10cm and was told to start pushing at 5:35 am🤦🏼♀️
And the fact that you smell your own scent and pregnant women reek, they feel like whales, everything aches. I ended up with arthritis in my spine from my very easy pregnancy. I was also constantly in pain or irritable and just completely not my normal self. It took a few months after I gave birth and my hormones regulated to return to myself. And even then I was a new self since I was now a mom and a loving slave to my little dude. My husband only told me to watch my emotions twice, once I was being a witch (early in pregnancy when the mood-swings started) and he told me I was being mean, the other time I was working myself up and getting really upset over losing my dads and my husband sweetly told me to calm down and not to stress out the baby. He never held it against me. He never held it against me that grocery trips started taking an hour longer and let me wear his flipflops when my feet started swelling too much to wear mine after a grocery trip. He made sure I knew he loved me and was there for me. He even prepared my baths and came in to check on me during said baths because baths were the only thing that helped. My advice to your poor wife is go to a pool. The exercise is good but more importantly the water takes some weight off all her joints.
Men don’t realise, but it’s SO uncomfortable that you actually WANT to have a whole human shred apart your body as long as it gets the f*ck out of you.
Have you watched any labour videos OP? We are willing to go through that, will actively try and bring it on - *that’s* how uncomfortable and awful it is.
Pregnancy is the worst, I hated it. OP needs to grow the bell up and realise he’s a giant AH and he needs to be supporting his wife and making her life as easy as possible for her because it’s not going to get any easier for her !
Oh my God, so true. The heartburn, my right side (like-my liver area) BURNED with nerve pain because the baby was too high, can't sleep, can't really lie down properly without a mountain of strategically placed pillows, weighing almost or over 200 pounds, swollen legs, regretting whatever I had eaten earlier when I had an unstoppable craving...do we need to go on for OP?
Imaging making a WHOLE PERSON and your partner complains about being StrEssEd ???!!!???!!
YTA and not to mention a complainer
But you don’t understand, he wants it to be all sunshine and rainbows! Why can’t she just be happy all the time, doesn’t she know how hard this pregnancy has been on him? He’s a cheerful person, which means never having to hear a negative thing ever because it stresses him the FUCK out!
He just wants his wife back! She’s been noticeably distant; what’s wrong with her? Couldn’t be him, right?
(/s in case it wasn’t abundantly clear)
OP, this problem will NOT get better after the baby’s here. You need to step the fuck up because your wife’s going to need you.
URRRGHGHG To everything this guy has said but especially the stuff about wanting his wife back. I'm sorry, but this *is* your wife. It's just that she's a person, so her moods aren't always exactly the same, especially when she's exhausted and in pain and has given her body over to creating this baby that is both of yours.
And the worst part is, she did what he said! She stopped complaining to the one person who is meant to listen to her complain about what is obviously a really uncomfortable pregnancy! It's just that she is, understandably, very hurt about how little he seems to care about her feelings. Because, to him, it's all about how her pain and discomfort is bringing him down! I don't even have crazy pregnancy hormones coursing through my body but I'm incredibly annoyed by OP, I can't imagine how his wife is feeling.
I am too, it's making me angry reading it! I'm really really hoping this is a fake post, because surely no one can't be this bloody ignorant? She has his sympathies? Seriously? That's what you say to a colleague who's had bad news, not something you say about/to your wife. Especially when he says it's been a difficult pregnancy, which, judging by his complete lack of awareness, means it's actually been a fecking horrendous pregnancy. Ugh!
You know who isn’t a beacon of positivity? A newborn. This asshat is going to be making his wife do everything because the crying baby “stresses him out”.
I imagine this guy in the delivery room, complaing that any negative noises his wife makes while she tries to push a human being out her stresses him out.
“Come on dear, I’m sure those contractions are hard, but can’t you just grin and bear it? I’ve had a hard day, you know. Everyone has their challenges in life, so you don’t get to play the pity olympics here!”
I shudder to think how this guy would be if his wife had to have an emeegency C-section and then needed extra help during her recovery.
I had an emergency C-section with my youngest, they managed to sever some nerves causing paralysis in my hip, also damaged other nerves in my back which didn't help my disability I got further down the line, I have mobility issues (feeling in hip never came back) and problems with going to the toilet, I'm fed up with coughing or laughing and peeing at the same time. It can be debilitating and pregnancy can affect your body for the rest of your life. I have these problems every day and the age of the baby now? Twenty f@ckin eight!!! My husband was and is amazing and has been my rock throughout everything,
so for OP I would say- she's incubating a baby....YOUR baby! Give her a bit of empathy and love for God's sake, it's hard for her, I went through hell to give birth and I'd do it again because mom's only care about the baby, if Dr's had passed me the scalpel I would have got him out myself, we would die for that life inside us and believe me she will NEVER forget the callousness you are showing towards her now, get smart guy and start being a dad now not once baby is here! YTA!
Even him saying she’s been pregnant “a while now”. Like sir, there’s a maximum of how long she will pregnant. It’s not like you don’t know when or have an idea of when your baby will be her. He makes it sound like he’s fed up of her being pregnant and like everyone else has mentioned, he’s not even the one carrying the child.
It’s “so exhausting “. Like, spare me please. Grow up OP. Your poor wife is gonna be raising TWO babies soon. YTA
PS. he’s in for a tough reality check when (finally 😒) comes
Yep! Whenever I hear a man whine about his pregnant partner and how he's so tired it's like, my dude what do you think it'll be like when you have an entire helpless baby to look after?
Oh that's right, they then complain about ever having to "babysit" their own child because she wants to have a girls' night out for the first time in like four years since she got pregnant.
I’m 9 months pregnant.
During the first trimester I was so tired all the time, sometimes I slept up to 18 hours a day. The only things I could eat without getting extremely nauseous were Pizza Hawaii and chicken nuggets.
During the second trimester I cried every other day because I felt too fat, I had pimples, or just because. One time I cried because I ate all of my skittles and couldn’t get any more, since all shops were closed.
Now at third trimester my amazing BF has to kinesio tape my belly and back every week, otherwise I couldn’t even walk or sit anymore. I can’t sleep, because I either have to pee, am thirsty, baby is kicking like crazy or I can’t get in a comfortable position to sleep. I’m constantly exhausted. Last night I cried for like two hours because I realised my due date is coming closer and closer (what a shock…) and I don’t feel ready to be a mom.
And compared to how others have it, my pregnancy is extremely unproblematic and easy.
So yeah, OP YTA.
I feel you… I cried Friday night because I couldn’t get a bacon egg and cheese biscuit from McDonald’s at 11pm and cried for a good chunk of today because I’m about to have my baby and I’m scared. Pregnancy is the worst and I’m so torn between wanting it to be over and being terrified of it being over because what if I’m not as prepared as I thought. I’m just focusing on breathing exercises and trying not to go mad at this point. Hope all goes well with your delivery!!!
His kid turning into a world class whiner at 4 will not impact him greatly because mum will be carrying 98% of the childcare load. He may babysit every once in a while but only if the kid doesn’t “stress him out” /s
Also he said it’s been a difficult pregnancy. I don’t know specific details and that could mean many things but even non complicated pregnancies are tough so if she is having complications she deserves support.
Someone always has it harder but it’s all relative. You can’t ask someone not to complain about stuff because someone else has it worse. They’re entitled to their feelings and people need to support their pregnant partners even when it’s hard.
The irony of telling his wife she’s trying to play the pity okympics, when the post started out wth him listing all the reasons his wife’s pregnancy is stressing HIM out.
YTA OP
I am currently pregnant. Have been for a while. In my 9th month. I have complained often. I have cried out of the physical pain of carrying a baby. I have had mood swings. I have felt low due to my body not feeling like it was before. I have complained feeling ugly and fat. Well, the list goes on.
The point is: pregnancy is hard. Specially if you are a first time mom; all of it is new. Days can be legit difficult. My husband has been so patient in supporting me all thru this.
If he had said to me what you said to your wife, I would have been extremely upset and disappointed in him. I would have felt all alone in this difficult journey.
You are a big AH. You are not dealing with the physical repercussions of being pregnant. Grow up, be a man and support your wife in a positive way.
Am in the same boat, 39 weeks currently! My fiance is so amazingly supportive. Happy for you that you have that too.
Good luck with your upcoming delivery!
His poor wife is going to forever remember his comment. That whole thing of pregnant women remember who they're treated is very true. It's one of the most uncomfortable, painful, sometimes downright gross, emotional, vulnerable times any human can go through. I know that comment had to be heart breaking and caused her entire view point of him to shift.
imagine op with a moody teenager. teenagers are notoriously negative and you will have to deal with that till theyre done with puberty without snapping.
Oh, and did you notice that he felt bad that she was “taking out the wrong way” and that he was just “brutally honest” and should have been more “tactful”? At least in the post, he never acknowledged that what he said might have been wrong. OP is definitely the “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” type.
the only way i could even imagine this being like near the line of okay would be “hey, im having a rough day mentally, i understand you’re also going through it right now but would you be able to be positive for the evening to help me out? i’d love to hear about everything tomorrow but i don’t have the brain space for it right now, im sorry”
but he’s clearly not emotionally intelligent (or just intelligent?) enough to approach it that way. i’ve asked my partner if they could not share their problems with me for a day when i was really going through it, and i’d do the same for them if they asked.
YTA op
edit to add: what i mean is that it’s okay to not have the space to hear someone’s problem immediately (unless it’s urgent). this guy does seem like he’s being douchey about it though.
Google "support in, complain out". Your wife is at the absolute center of the circle. She's carrying your baby, FFS, and she's having a very difficult time right now. She gets to vent to anyone, including you.
You are the next ring out. You can complain to anyone else about how hard your life is, but not to your wife. Your job is to support her.
If you can't cope with her difficult pregnancy, how the hell are you going to cope with the challenges of raising a child?
YTA.
My wife has blessed us with 2 awesome kids (2.5 yo and a 5 mo old so this is still pretty fresh in memory) but both her pregnancies almost killed her. GD, preeclampsia, gestational hypertension, and emergency C-sections for both. Plus her first one she had the thing where the morning sickness lasts all day and it never goes away. She cried over French fries, ice cream sandwiches, and any other tiny little thing. Sometimes I felt like a punching bag. But I know she didn’t mean it, she was performing something amazing for us and that takes a toll, she needed a place to vent and she I’m her safe space so she could.
But through it all you know what I never did? Was downplay or disregard her feelings and emotions she was having at that time. If you don’t support her emotionally she will start to spiral down and if she gets PPD from the hormone dump then that will only escalate it worse.
Be the safe space you promised her you would be. Sometimes it’s hard, very hard. But it’s all worth it in the end. She will get through it if you help her or not, but rest assured if you don’t help and support she will know she can’t count on you and for a new mother in protect baby and keep them alive mode you will be put on the chopping block.
This is just the beginning too my dude. If she breastfeeds? Hormones. If y’all formula feed, different hormones. She is gonna be up every 3 hours feeding the baby for the first couple months. The baby is gonna cry and keep you both up for a year. She is going to be sleep deprived; mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted; she is going to break down and even lash out because you’re the closest one there. You need you to step up and help her. You 1000% signed up for this and it’s a long road but it’s an awesome, fulfilling experience.
Edit: YTA
This advice is 100% on point. OP needs to read this.
Also OP is YTA, this pregnancy is not about him, and it will not get easier from here on. Trying to help her see the positive in the situation can be nice, she's growing an actual human child, it's magical. But pregnancy also sucks, and her feelings that it sucks is absolutely valid, especially as she's having a hard pregnancy, and she needs to be allowed to vent about it without OP complaining that it's killing his buzz or whatever. And I'm saying this as someone who had the easiest pregnancy ever. OP needs to support his wife, growing a human is hard AF.
And you absolutely CAN complain that it is hard for the father as well! I've been on both sides (same sex couple, one kid is biologically mine, one my wifes) and no, supporting your wife isn't easy. So I think it's perfectly OK to complain that is hard. The difference between an ah and a decent person is who they complain to! Go to your best friend/parents/siblings/colleagues/I don't care or even scream into the void of the internet to find relief. It's even OK to say "honey, tonight, I really don't have the energy to listen" if that happens once every few months. But in the end, you need to find a way to go back to the person you PROMISED to support through the good and the bad ready to step up again because she NEEDS you!
And it gets even worse with a baby...
She’s growing a human in her body with an admittedly difficult pregnancy and Op told her he doesn’t wanna hear it. Then he all sad she doesn’t just go back to being her bubbly self.
Gonna try to be a little gentler than the rest of comments because I care about your wife and don't want you to get too defensive.
Yes, you've been working extra hours, trying to save up. GREAT! that's GOOD. Kudos to you.
So...what is wifey doing while you work all these extra hours?
She's home alone with her thoughts, her real complications, her fears, her sickness. She's alone home, you're not there as much because of the extra hours. So then you get home. YOU'RE exhausted. But then she perks up, because now she can finally talk to her partner, the person whose kid this is, and she can share the worries that have been on her mind for 10+ hours.
But... you don't want to hear her. You want her to be happy and cheerful.. It's a hard pregnancy, and to her, you don't care. You don't care about her feelings or her stress or her worries. You think she's overdoing it.
This adds to her worries now, because now her partner hates how much she talks. So she tries to correct it. She stuffs her feelings inside her, keeps her worries and fears to herself, she silently suffers. Giving you the peace and quiet you begged/demanded.
STILL YOU'RE UNHAPPY.
Soon she's going to wonder if you love her, if you want to be with her. You're saying you're unhappy with her no matter what she does. Do you know a lot of partners turn on their female partners when they're pregnant and more vulnerable? You're always so unhappy. She's going to probably wonder if you're cheating on her, because why else would you be so unhappy to see her face when you get home? When she talks, it's a problem. When she's quiet, it's a problem. She can't win.
And she still has to deal with her pregnancy all by herself because you don't care.
OP, you're pretty self-centered right now in yout thinking, me me me. You're going to have a child, their needs are going to have to be your priority. Do you think you're able to be a good father and put them first?
Maybe you should start looking at your wife as a real life person, one with feelings, fears and she's scared, tired and worried.
Be better. Be a better partner, be a more empathetic person. YTA but you don't have to remain one.
This.
OP, you're being extremely self centered. This is the easy part right now, you really should seek out therapy to help you cope.
Just because women CAN carry children does not mean that it comes natural and is easy. Her body is being completely re-arranged right now, and with a difficult pregnancy shes trying to monitor her condition.
Which if you cared for her at all you would listen. If she ends up in the hospital, you need to know what her symptoms have been and worst case scenario you need to speak on her behalf.
Also it can be really hard to know when to go to the ER, what's normal vs an emergency. That can be a difference between life and death for her and the baby right now.
There is a real possibility that she might downplay her symptoms or not go to the ER right away because she doesnt want to bother you. THAT could be life or death depending on how serious her complications are.
So sorry you had to work more hours, but she is literally putting her life on the line to bring YOUR protege into the world.
Not disputing anything except, "this is the easy part". That may be true for some, but definitely not everybody. My wife's pregnancy was one of the hardest times in my life, and the reason we decided not to have a second child was because I don't want to go through her being pregnant again. For the first trimester she had incredibly bad morning sickness and a host of other problems, in the second trimester she would sleep 14 hours per day, and then in the third trimester the sickness came back and she was also unable to sleep. Throughout the whole thing she had gestational diabetes, but refused to eat properly because she was so nauseous. On one side I had her doctors telling me how incredibly important it was to keep her blood sugar at the right level and that it was critical for me to encourage that, and on the other I had a wife who refused to eat properly to manage her blood sugar.
This was super hard for her. She felt terrible, her brain didn't work the way she wanted it to, she couldn't sleep properly, always uncomfortable. It was also incredibly hard for me, because not only did I have (and want) to support her through all this, but I also had my own anxiety around it without any ability to control her or even influence how she chose to go through it. During the 2nd trimester I was also incredibly lonely because she would literally come home from work, sometimes eat dinner, then go straight to sleep. For 3 months I was effectively alone because I was home to be there when she needed me, but had nobody to interact with during a time that I needed my own emotional support.
In many ways it became much easier once my son was born. I was able to help out much more directly, and we were able to share the load by sleeping in shifts. The time she was resting I wasn't lonely anymore, because I had a baby to interact or just be with, and the stress of her diabetes was reduced because now she was only responsible for maintaining her own health and not the baby's as well.
Anyway the point of all that is that pregnancy can be super hard on both partners, and that actually raising the children can be much easier. That's certainly been my experience.
OP is still an AH, but pregnancy is not always a warm up for the main event.
I don't think the commenter meant that the pregnancy was the easy part, just that it is easy for the husband, because he's not the one pregnant, and the baby hasn't arrived yet. Once the baby is born, both of them will be kept up at night, will have to feed the baby, burp it, bathe it, change the diapers, etc... So if OP is unwilling to support his wife now, when all he has to do is basically wait and listen, imagine how it will be in a few months when the baby wakes him up at night? Is he going to be as unhelpful as he's being now?
My only fear when reading these comments is that OP might be experiencing some kind of caregiver's burnout.
It seems like:
- he took more shifts at work to take care of the family financially
- the pregnancy has been complicated from the start
- once he gets back home he has no time to unwind before (rightfully) tending to his wife emotionally who has a lot of worries
- once he's done doing that he goes to sleep and repeats it all over again
I'm not at all agreeing with OP and the way he acted however, I dislike the way no one is even trying to consider how hard and mentally taxing it can be to financially and emotionally take care or someone.
Being around someone who is (again rightfully, I'm not blaming his wife one bit) often complaining can easily make you feel like you can't open up yourself and complain (about your day, your job, something bad that happened) and this can easily lead to resentment and inappropriate outbursts like the one he had
I'm honestly on the fence between a soft YTA and NAH
THANK YOU they're obviously both going through a lot and he's keeping it to himself and like ya I complain a lot and sometimes I need to be told that kind of stuff also... Like he's not a monster he just phrased it wrong he's definitely NTA nobody is here... He obviously feels bad about it....
...have you read his comments???
He said in one comment that HE drew the short stick when it came to his wife's pregnancy. He dismisses anyone who even mentions having empathy for his wife and wants his wife to stop complaining because "other people have it worse"- but continues to try and justify why he is allowed to complain, showing how hypocritical he is.
He is definitely TA.
Nah, especially based on the comments, he is very much the asshole. His wife is pregnant and he’s complaining about getting the short end of the straw. He doesn’t feel bad about it, he’s still calling his wife needy and getting defensive
Does he feel bad about it though? Nothing in how this was written suggests that to me. The most he does is acknowledge that she's had a difficult pregnancy. What really does it for me is that anyone complaining brings him down. That's not said as a pregnancy thing, that's said as a life thing. He doesn't want negativity around him because it bums him out, so my immediate thought is how often does she (or anyone else around him) have to bottle up what they're feeling because he can't cope with people not being happy?
No one likes negativity, but it's life, it happens. And honestly, the moment someone uses the 'someone has it worse than you' phrase, they become an AH to me, because it serves no purpose other than to tell that person that they're not allowed to be upset.
thank u for putting my thoughts into words. i knew that the top comments would be hard y t a judgments but i think this is just two soon-to-be-parents attempting to navigate stressful life
It's funny how Reddit tends to play both sides of the coin. For a place that loves to champion the importance of mental health and decry the toxic masculinity mindset, they sure are quick to shit on a guy's mental health and tell him to suck it up.
His reaction to his stress was to attack his wife. He didn’t state his needs, he tried to shame/humiliate her out of expressing hers.
If your instinct when under stress is to lash out at someone with a serious mental condition, you’re an asshole.
Exactly! His words and phrasing are clear. He didn’t ask how he could bring up to his wife that he’s struggling, too. He’s essentially asking how he can get her to pretend she’s not pregnant. Sounds like toxic positivity to me.
He wouldn't be an asshole if he was taking steps to address his stress and mental health but what he actually did here was dismiss his wife, minimize her concerns, and shame her for feeling miserable during pregnancy. He is the AH for attacking his wife instead of having a respectful conversation with her. If he is stressed out, he should find a support group or go to therapy. He shouldn't attack his wife who is literally growing a human. PITY OLYMPICS???? No that's just AH behavior. He could have had an honest and constructive conversation with her about how he was feeling but instead he basically told her to shut up and pretend she was happy.
I understood from OP‘s post that his main problem is lack of sleep at night, because she’s awake and wants to talk or go on drives to distract herself. But maybe I misread that.
To me, that makes quite a bit of difference - does she want his attention and support when he’s home during waking hours? Then he’s the AH for refusing. Does she wake him up at night to complain? Then he’s not.
This. It looks likes people are skipping that part. Her waking him at night becomes a bit much to talk or go on drives! He is doing extra hours he is tired etc I think this is the issue and led to him eventually saying what he said.
Agree with this. It's obviously unfair to make him take her for a drive in the middle of the night. He needs sleep to work, to make their life work. But he really should be able to listen to her worries and her complaints. I'm a little nervous that maybe OP is overworking himself. I get the need for money, but right now it sounds like it's at the expense of his health and their relationship. If he's working more than usual, but still has time/energy for anything other than sleeping, that energy should be directed towards his pregnant wife and her difficult pregnancy. And under no circumstance (even being overworked) should he hit her with that toxic positivity shit. It's fair that she needs to talk about feeling like shit with her partner.
This!
OP just made her complicated pregnancy MORE complicated taking away what she viewed as her support, esp if she doesn't have an amazing support system!
Imo this is the best comment here. OP is a MESS. He’s seriously so self-centered. I feel awful for his wife. And uh OP apparently is unable to regulate his emotions when others complain… and is having a child?? I’m sorry I laughed out loud. Also: obviously pregnancy has a lot of ups and downs for men too, but if he’s burnt out already, maybe he needs to work less and have more time available to prepare for this and to be there for his wife?
YTA OP. Please listen to this person and take their advice to heart. You need to be doing something differently here.
Not saying that it's not hard for her, but he might not be well at all either.
There's post partum depression, and that includes fathers... And it's not a magical thing that happens at birth. Usually it comes from having a hard time before birth already, undiagnosed or diagnosed mental illnesses, etc
It always baffles how people ignore pregnant women's complains because "other women get pregnant all the time wothout problem", "other people have it worse".
I don't care if billions of women got pregnant before me, it's still scary. Especially to first time pregnant women. It's like telling an injured person "don't complain, billions of people before you had injuries/have broken something and were fine".
Why is it so normal to say this to a pregnant woman?
It’s the crux of why his take is so awful. This reads like one of those 1950s guidebooks for housewives, telling them to run a comb through their hair and put on a big smile to greet hubby as he comes home from his VERY demanding 9-5 workday of drinking gin at his desk and chatting up the office ladies.
Yep. This sounds like when I was expecting my first child:
I had a complicated pregnancy. My now ex-husband thought I was the most annoying thing ever (and told me so) when I was worried that I and/or the baby would die.
The baby was born early, and was very very fussy. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Ex-husband complained that it felt like I didn’t love him any more.
Anyway. I hope this guy miraculously changes his attitude, because his wife’s situation is tough. I feel for her.
i was in a relationship just like this. he was so fucking cruel when i opened up and then when i stopped i was called distant. OP you are a fucking child and your actions border on abusive. i bet this isn’t the first time you caused a problem and then blamed your wife for it. grow the hell up.
Yes!! I’ve heard so many people accuse ‘the silent treatment’ of being childish punishment but in my experience I only go quiet when I’m trying to push all my emotions down. I can’t talk when I’m at the brink of a meltdown.
>My wife has been pregnant for a while now, and it's put a lot of stress on me.
Bless your heart, this one may pick up enough traction to get mentioned on my local radio morning show tomorrow.
You're having a tough time. So is your wife. There will always be people who have it worse than both of you. This will pass and things will be even tougher for awhile.
>with everything she's going through I could have phrased it more tactfully
I have to agree with that one. As much as I am trying to empathize with your frustration and exhaustion, YTA for the way you said what you did.
YEP. So concerned is he with his own comfort he has ZERO idea how far along she is, which given it has been difficult, wouldn't that mean more doctor visits? Does he not go to any of them? In any case, if you don't know, you're zoning out when she talks anyway because there is no way in hell she hasn't said in a complaining moment how many weeks she has left.
YTA and my god when the baby comes and neither of you get sleep, I hope you remember she started experiencing that 8-10 months ago.
That would make taking her for drives more challenging. It would also explain why he does not trust her to manage her own diet and exercise. And that would make the apartment feel smaller. Yiu are on ti something!
You are a massive AH. You have no idea what a woman's body goes through while pregnant. She probably wants some reassurance and comfort from you and you deride her instead. Just wait til the kid starts talking if hate complaining so much.
YTA.
“My wife has been complaining every single day”? “… playing the Pity Olympics”?
Dude, YTA. You saying others have it worse is like saying that her problems don’t matter/insignificant in your eyes, especially when compared to your own. She’s going through an hormonal and emotional rollercoaster with the pregnancy right now. She needs you to be remain calm and be that someone she can depend onto for help/ problem solve, and you indirectly showed you don’t want to do that. Now, she likely will not go to you when she really does need help, and hide any issues she does have, which could potentially have a negative effect on the baby too.
It’s not just what you said, but also how you said it. Being overwhelmed and frustrated is understandable, but you should have just said it gentler. (Ex: honey, I’m tired from work, I’ll take you out to drive tomorrow. )
YTA, oh if you can’t even take this bit, how are you going to handle a crying-all-day baby, whining-all-day kid, emo-all-day and ignoring-you-all day teenager.
YTA. Wow. Friend, your wife is growing a whole human inside her body. Her hormones are all over the place, her body is changing and stretching in ways you will never understand, she's likely stressed and worried about after this baby is born. You friend, come off as completely insensitive & lacking any semblance of understanding of how terrible pregnancy is on a woman's body.
YTA
I feel like not enough people realize that while the baby grows, other organs have to relocate elsewhere in the body. They should show a diagram of that the organs are in a pregnant lady. Many man might stop complaining.
YTA. Pregnancy.....otherwise known as CREATING LIFE......was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever experienced. It's the reason I had only 1 child. I cried EVERYDAY. I couldn't sleep, AT ALL. And you can't take it for 9 months? You are an wimpy ass.
People who haven’t experienced pregnancy are really bad at taking it seriously. “Women have done if for all of history! How bad can it be?” As it turns out, really f***ing bad. Pregnancy is awful. Worth it, but awful. I’m pregnant right now and I wouldn’t wish these symptoms on my worst enemy. Though I might wish them on this guy for a couple days just so he can understand.
And nobody talks about it! Before you get pregnant you hear about morning sickness and needing to pee but that's it. I'm pregnant now, too. I'm 40 weeks, so the end is in sight. This has been 9 months of heart burn, nausea, insomnia, round ligament pain, pelvic girdle pain.... the list goes on and on. The pelvic pain is one of the most excruciating things I've ever experienced. I can't turn over in bed or get out of a chair without searing pain that feels like my pelvis is being ripped apart. No one talks about it, because if they did no one in their right mind would voluntarily go through it. And all of this while still having to pretty much function as usual in our day to day lives, because none of this is considered debilitating enough to warrant special consideration. It's all just par for the course. Our doctors are just like "yeah sorry that sucks, you just kind of have to deal with it." Can't even take most medicines to help with any of it. My OB straight up said about my PGP that "it's the sort of pain that ibuprofen helps with, but you can't take that." Tylenol doesn't touch this kind of pain, and that's the only thing we're allowed to take. Literally just have to continue going about my life in some of the worst pain I've ever experienced until this baby comes out. Physical therapy helps a little. Factor in all the unsolicited advice, opinions, and judgements - plus the hatefulness of people who say stuff like "maybe you should have thought of that before you spread your legs" if you dare to say that standing up on the bus while heavily pregnant is hard and dangerous... the entire experience is just full of difficulties even if it's an "easy" pregnancy. Thank god I haven't had complications like gestational diabetes or pre-eclampsia or complete placenta previa. Or heaven forbid not having access to healthcare. If my husband reacted like this jackass when I complain about any of this, I would lose my shit.
I once started sobbing while getting out of bed my hips hurt so bad. Entire days not being able to eat and then when I could throwing it up. No comfortable laying positions and shitty bathroom interrupted sleep. Everyone's idiotic urge to touch your stomach. I'm so with you, my one is my only. I seriously wished I'd taken up being a nun by month 6.
Are you sure she's the one whining a lot? You seem to be quite a pro at it yourself. We get it. it's so stressful for you that she's growing a human. It must be very hard for you that she can't sleep, can't breathe well, and is anxious about the fact that her special lady parts are about to be ripped open. Poor you!
YTA. Get used to missing your wife. You’ve made it very clear to her that she can’t rely on you to support her through the challenges of pregnancy and unless you change that’ll continue after she’s had the baby. And then you’ll be complaining to a bunch of strangers on the internet all over again
YTA, not for feeling how you feel, but for how you went about telling her what you need. What you’ve told her is that she can’t share negative feelings with you, and so it makes sense she’s a bit distant. To avoid this, you can try letting her know how the way she talks is making you feel, rather than invalidating her feelings to try to get her to stop complaining.
NAH. I think the comments are a bit harsh here... yes he's her emotional support but if ALL she does is complain to him then I'd be fed up too. If she's keeping him up at night just to complain then that will only cause sleep deprivation and cause more frustration. Growing a baby is hard but he's not asking her to climb Mount Everest, just tone down the complaining. The way OP told her this could have definitely been kinder so she's nta for giving him the cold shoulder.
That said, you're saying she wants to stay up and talk or go on drives. Perhaps try scheduling it for earlier in the day. More so than a difficult pregnancy she's looking for connection with you. Have a meaningful talk at dinner time, go on a scenic drive on the weekend. Hopefully this will help.
YTA - You clearly have no understanding of what your wife is going through while preparing to bring your child into the world. You think you're tired!?! You have no idea what tired is like when you are pregnant, especially later into the pregnancy. All you posted about is how it affects you and how you feel. You need to apologize, and I mean grovel, to her. You need to pull your head out of your ass and realize she is going through the actual difficult time, you are just being inconvenienced. News alert, pregnant women tend to complain!! I wonder how other mothers in your life would react to the way you are treating your wife during her pregnancy, smh.
NTA … as a woman I’m tired of the way people use pregnancy as a means to excuse / overlook poor behaviour. OPs feelings & mental health are equally important & his needs shouldn’t be negated simply because his partner is pregnant. Support goes both ways in a relationship.
Maybe ESH? There needed to be a healthy boundary. Pregnancy isn't an excuse but it is so hard, OPs wife is allowed to feel that it's hard and to complain about it. Problem is that OP has taken on extra work and is reaching his limit. The way OP reacted is the problem, not the fact he wanted boundaries.
As many things on this sub, this is something that needs to be solved by sitting down and having a talk about what each of them needs and find compromise in how to get it. He needs to sleep enough to work. She needs some space to vent. There are ways to achieve both those things without OP snapping.
I've been in the situation of having someone constantly, nonstop complaining to the point I wasn't even allowed to go to sleep at night. There's nothing like it. It's hell on earth. If I said anything about it, there'd be angry outbursts or the silent treatment for days. NTA
YTA, I know how stressful it would be to work constantly and come home just to hear a lot of complaining but you have to remember that what she’s going through is 24/7 work for 9 straight months and as her partner you’re the one she’s suppose to rely on to air out grievances. She’s gotten distant from you because you just put her off from wanting to share things with you because it might be taken as her complaining causing you to snap at her again. Be a better partner OP and be there for your pregnant wife
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) telling my wife other people have it worse than her (2) I might be the AH because that was too brutally honest, and with everything she's going through I could have phrased it more tactfully
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NAH - going against the grain. Yes, it’s super hard for her. And yes, you could have used different words to express your frustration. But it’s hard for you both.
Try to have a calmer conversation about what is happening here.
NTA. Reddit it touchy about pregnancy and seems to think that it's the worst thing in the world to endure and you can't possibly understand.
I'm a woman, given birth too. Yeah sure there were crappy things about it but it wasn't the worst thing in the world by a long shot.
oh wow it’s almost as if DIFFERENT BODIES GO THROUGH DIFFERENT THINGS DURING PREGNANCY. it’s almost as if YOUR PREGNANCY IS WILDLY DIFFERENT FRON THAT OF OP’S WIFE
Lol at the replies. NTA. It’s always better to look out for yourself, no matter who the other person is.
There’s just so much that a person can take.
And to people saying it’s okay because she’s pregnant, get fucked.
Coming from a pregnant woman, thank you!!! Being pregnant is EXHAUSTING, I KNOW the struggles she’s experiencing. But my husband also knows a full night of sleep and I know when he’s dealing with too much. There’s a line you cross when constant complaints will begin to suck the life out of your partner & it seems like the wife doesn’t understand that she is not the ONLY person in the house that needs cared for. He can’t pour to her from an empty cup.
YTA. She’s pregnant, dude. Obviously, that excuse doesn’t work like if she was actively and intentionally acting malicious, but she really just needs you to be there for her right now. I don’t think she’s asking you to solve the issue, but her body is going through a lot and being there for her to vent would be a huge thing for her. It’s not even about who deserves more “pity” or “sympathy.” I can empathize with both of you. But, because of a very obvious physical and emotional burden, she needs your support.
I read some of your other comments and you do seem really stressed out. It comes across and I think what some may read as angry or whiny is coming across to me as desperate and worn.
Could you build in an hour or any amount of time in the day for yourself? You could even let your wife know that you want to support her, but you just need some time after work to decompress you can better support her and have a clearer mind. Like, just to go for a walk and get some fresh air or go to the gym if you’re into that. And you should get the ulcers checked out.
I don’t know if you’re like this at all, but when the only time I’m outside is for my commute from home to work/classes, I feel like I’m going a little insane.
I don’t think you’re trying to be a dick, but I do think that this is a time when supporting her should be a priority. But if you can have a bit of time for yourself to chill out, that might be helpful.
NAH
She needs to let you sleep!
I feel for her I really do but im which way is keeping the partner working up at night, repeatedlly a way that will make their life better?
YTA. Yeah, a lot of people do have it worse. Not you! You’re her husband. You are supposed to comfort her and not yell at her about how your life is so difficult at work doing your regular job in no pain from carrying a heavy baby all day trying to walk around in back pain with a big freaking belly with the baby kicking and the stress from having to push it out in a few months or less. I’m not saying that working isn’t stressful sometimes and you sound like you are stressed out but you don’t need to take it out by yelling at your pregnant wife in pain to be more positive. She can’t magically flip a switch to be in less pain and when you get married it means you are in love and will comfort your partner in health and in pain.
NTA
if your wife is depressed she should take some responsibility for herself as a future mother and an adult, and find a therapist to talk to
it's OK to lean onto your partner for some emotional support, it's not OK to use them as a punching bag day in day out, waking them up in the middle of the night to share your dark thoughts
OP, you might have tried to word it better, but at the end of the day you are not wrong
ESH
You absolutely could have found a more tactful way to tell your wife you're feeling burnt out and in need of some positivity for your mental health.
Her for expecting you to work, take care of her, and be her 24/7 therapist. If she's continuously preventing you from getting rest of course you're going to get easily frustrated from being tired and burnt out which is unfair.
Literally why is this in the negatives, I hate this sub
What happened to downvoting things that don’t contribute to the discussion, not just stuff you disagree with?
I think you are stressing yourself out a bit too much...you're stressing about what she's eating, how much she's exercising...I ate what I could handle and exercised when I wasn't barfing or feeling like death... perfectly healthy baby, uncomplicated birth. You don't need to micro manage every nutrient...the baby will take what it needs.
You also can't be working yourself up to an extent that your mental health is getting impaired - you don't need to be around each other 24/7 unless she's very high risk and even then, carers need some reprieve.
If you're working the next morning, late night drives and long midnight conversations have to be limited...you'll have plenty of time to be sleep deprived when the baby actually arrives. You already sound burnt out.
The dynamic seems somewhat unhealthy...there are pregnancy groups, mothers groups etc. that serve a purpose, as do friends and family. Why are you the *only* support system?
Lastly, pregnancy isn't some homogenous experience for all women - mine was hell while my best friend felt better than ever. While you have to make concessions, so does she. You need to get out and see your family, some friends...engage in an activity that will help ground you.
>I told her that I'm balancing a job and taking care of you,
Ok, that's fine, I'm sure she'd understand. I hope you told her you're willing to listen to her but you also need a break to decompress.
> plus everyone in life has their own challenges and you can't just whine about it and play the pity olympics, it's getting old.
YIKES.
It's fair to feel the way you feel. Your delivery sucked. YTA. She's probably very hurt and doesn't know what the boundary for "just talking" and "complaining" is now.
Apologize for being unnecessarily harsh but also communicate about how you're feeling exhausted with everything. Don't minimize what she's feeling but say you'd appreciate if you guys could chill together and do something fun and relaxing. Say while you're there for her to talk to, it's a little hard only hearing about negatives cuz that plus your exhaustion, make it mentally difficult for you.
Reiterate that you're there for her to talk to and to listen to her fears or thoughts. That's non-negotiable especially when this is probably scary for her.
Saying others have it worse is you telling her she has no room to talk. That she has to shut up and pretend to be happy just to appease you. She doesn't and shouldn't care if others have it worse. SHE is going through something NOW. That's what matters to her.
YTA - for someone that is all cheery and hates negativity, and all about how others have it worse… you sure are being all me, me, me. You have to work to support her. You have to buy things for the baby. You aren’t sleeping.
Your wife is literally growing your baby. That is so much pressure *everywhere*, it’s exhausting because your body is using so much energy to create life, she can’t sleep because she’s uncomfortable and ALSO stressed about the new life she’s bringing into the world (and you seem like the partner to be like “I work so all the kid stuff is on you” and will view watching your kid as a favor.)
>I got the short end of the stick here
YTA
WTF are you going to do when the baby gets here?? Continue to be this unsupportive??
She's growing a child..... She's having complications. And guess what?? She gets NO relief from that. She's stuck not being able to medicate because 90% of the things out there she can't take while pregnant... She's looking to you for comfort and support...and you're more worried about yourself and visiting your friends....
And now you're complaining after spewing that garbage to her... You got what you wanted..... She shut you out and stopped looking to you for support.
Why don't you call up your Mom and tell her what you said to her?? Cause if she's even half a decent person she should be ripping into you for doing that....
I can imagine the absolute lack of support you will receive here. They will ream you. Pregnancy excuses anything and everything. You did this to her. I’m sorry, I’m out.
My verdict is actually NAH. I feel low-key bad for him, because of the insane pressure he must be under. She’s sick of course, so venting is natural, but I wish people who complained so much thought about the effect it had on the people around them. He’s allowed to feel stressed.I hope they do some counselling to get through it.
Can you both get counseling? It sounds like you both need support. I do not think you are an asshole. NTA. I think you are both under a lot of pressure.
Soft YTA
I get that you are stressed but it's not a walk in the park for her as well. I wish people on this sub would acknowledge that the partner of someone pregnant can get emotionally burnt out as well. We get that she is pregnant and it is difficult, but that doesn't mean the partner isn't going through stuff as well. It's not to say that he is having a harder time than her. The AH part is telling her that shes having a pity Olympics, because ironically from your post, you are a competitor as well. Your response would discourage her from opening up, therefore distant. I most likely not to even punish you but because she feels like she will be brushed off.
Your partner is is growing another human that you will have to stress over in the future and having your body staging a revolt against you is a valid reason to complain in my opinion. I would apologize for your comments and then try to communicate with each other. You are most likely your wife's only outlet so she depends on you. It OK to be mentally overwhelmed or burnt out, but don't take it out on your partner. Also communicate that your are stressed without seeming like your are competing.
>I'm a pretty cheerful person normally, and I absolutely hate hearing people complain constantly because it really brings me down. I'm pretty sure I'm going to crack any second, so I wanted to put an end to this complaining since I just need some light in my life.
I also wanted to address this quote. There is a difference between complaining and venting and it is important to recognize the difference. Your wife is venting and I believe some of your stress may be relieved if you also vented to a family member or friend. It's ok to vent to prevent things from bottling up. If you are interacting with other humans, especially in a work environment, all the annoyances can pile up while your social battery is being drained. An outlet is needed and at the moment your wife needs you to release the pressure. I will state again that you are also allowed to relieve the pressure.
P.S. Being pregnant does not give you a pass to be a dick. OP's partner is definitely not related to this comment ,but I see comments with the tone of 'she can do no wrong because she is pregnant'. Hopefully people are granted grace due to the burden of growing another human, but please try not to be a dick.
YTA, and FYI one of the rules for this sub is not arguing back when someone gives you judgement, you clearly just wanted a pity party and when you didn’t get it you threw a fit, you got what you wanted out of your wife because shes probably miserable all the time so shes not sharing her thoughts
I'm going with NAH. Yes your wife is pregnant and is venting which you should definitely be supportive of. But one of the things I'm not seeing people not onto the y-t-a votes is she's is cutting into his sleep. Dude sounds sleep deprived. She's keeping him up late talking and taking her on drives. COMMUNICATE with her. Talk to her but then say "babe I'm exhausted I'm working x number of hours tomorrow I need to go to bed." And if she prefers you available then discuss with her what you cutting back on your hours would look like financially and if you both think you can swing that budget. Bottom line... TALK TO HER.
ESH your delivery sucks and telling anyone that others have it worse is an absolutely dick move. When you have a medical condition that affects your mood hearing that is the worst.
That said lol what did you think would happen of course everyone is roasting you and saying you're the ah they don't care about the part where your wife is waking you up on purpose, pregnant people are deified here. They can literally do no wrong I've even seen a few posts from people saying they have the right to smoke and drink if they want, it's insane.
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YTA. Honestly, you should never have made a kid if your morale was so easy to drain. This is only the pregnancy and you are not even the one building the baby. I can't imagine how it's going to be once the baby is there... Your wife is going through one of the hardest thing in her life. She is building a WHOLE BABY. If you can't support her NOW, I feel sorry for her....
There is not enough room on reddit to say everything I want to say to OP. So just... Lolllll YTA. Jesus.
But he’s *stressed*. /s
And he needs his sleep!!! /s
Yeah, this! Like he thinks it is going to get better! One of the many, many reasons I never wanted kids is I am downright miserable if my sleep gets interrupted, like wanting to smother my (ex)husband with a pillow for snoring, kind of miserable. I feel super sorry for his wife because you know she's always going to be on baby duty. They might as well get divorced now so he can get his sleep so he can work and financially support the baby while she can get a man that supports her.
>One of the many, many reasons I never wanted kids Honestly, I wish more people were like you. Having kids is HARD and it's not for everyone. It's better to choose to life your best life without kids than having some because society tells you it's what you need to do. No one needs to have kids. Living a kid-free life is totally valid.
One of the reasons I got my tubes removed as early as I could. I've never wanted kids, seeing people post here reaffirms that and I hate the *BUT KIDS ARE THE BEST THING OF YOUR LIFE* in reality, kids BECOME your life. I'd much rather be called a crazy cat lady (with only having 2 cats) and deal with my "mistake" than worry about having kids.
Yeah all she does is lie there and GROW A WHOLE HUMAN, cramps, joint and muscle pain, dizziness and the like but while he goes to work guys. His life is tough, cut him some slack. 🙄
Also, food cravings l, inability to sleep, discomfort, Braxton hicks and a hole slough of other side effects 🙄 this partner..... YTA
I was diagnosed with RA in my late 20s, and it went into remission whilst I was pregnant. Despite that, it was still the most miserable 9 months of my life. I spent the entire pregnancy feeling like I had the flu, and covered in very itchy hives (PUPP). Then, to top it off, I thought I'd recovered fairly well (no baby blues etc) but when I had to stop breastfeeding at 4 months, I was hit with severe PPD, and my RA returned with a vengence. I love my kid, but I'll never have another one because of how bloody awful the pregnancy was. OP YTA and go eat a bag of dicks...
Back off. It's been really hard on him.....
Ugh. Sounds like my husband when I was pregnant 🙄
It's lol that OP is complaining about lack of sleep and the baby isn't even born yet. He clearly never talked to ppl who already had kids about how much sleep they got with a newborn baby
I remember a quote from Colin Powell > The day the soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. His wife became distant because she lost confidence that he will actually listen and try to help with the problems she is having and concluded he does not care.
Cannot upvote this enough.
If this guy is working multiple shifts a day and his wife refuses to let him get any sleep, then I can see a problem that they need to compromise on. He’s allowed to be stressed, picking up extra work and hoping he can make enough money. She’s allowed to be worried and anxious and scared. They need to talk and come up with a compromise that gives her the time she needs to talk and him the time he needs to sleep. And they need to be on the same page as a team so they can function and manage when the baby does arrive otherwise, the next post will be from the wife about how her husband never helps with the baby or the husband that the wife is constantly nagging him. Marriage is hard work. If you’re not communicating well, you make it 100x harder.
Let's wait till the baby is there, the stress won't end. YTA OP, learn how to deal with stress and how to communicate with ur wife properly. Saying she can't complain or should complain less is so unempathic, what does she even complain about? Are those the things about the pregnancy or about you? If it's the second one u should start to listen and talk to her, that's something proper communication needs.
Lol, he's been dirty deleting everything because he can't handle the truth, lol
Denial isn't just a river in Egypt
Plus with how many social media channels that are literally based on nothing but reading AITA posts, I can guarantee this post has already been screenshot-ed and saved somewhere
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There are men who want to be fathers and there are men who want to sire children to feed their ego. $10 to guess which one OP belongs to
Jesus YTA, there are ways you could have handled it, like when she's complaining point out all the good things like the fact she's going to snuggle the baby and all that nice stuff that comes after. Instead you choose to aa selfish jerk thinking you have it worse that your pregnant wife. She had zero support from you. I feel incredibly sorry for your wife.
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I read this and with every single word all I could hear in my head was what an asshole. YTA soo much...
Also, the pity olympics? He thinks her discomfort at being pregnant (I'm assuming she's probably in her third trimester since he says she's been pregnant for a while) is some kind of game or competition to her? I can't stand people like OP who lack any sympathy, it's even worse than people who do actually make a competition about complaining (like oh you have this bad thing going on? I've got it even worse). Just offer a kind ear to your wife and rub her feet, OP. If you can't stand hearing people complain, what are you going to do when your kid turns four and goes through a phase where they whine over everything?
Pregnancy is the fucking worst, too. At the end you are so exhausted but you’re so uncomfortable and your bladder is so small that you can barely sleep. To say nothing of the months of nausea and superhuman ability to smell every disgusting odor within 500 yards. OH BUT OP IS TIRED.
I can't believe how miserable I was towards the end of my pregnancy. And I had an easier pregnancy than most. No nausea or other rough symptoms, but at the end...MY GOD. The level of discomfort my own body was putting me through...not to mention the stress of actually having my first baby and stressing over impending motherhood. I couldn't get comfortable to sleep or even just sit there and breathe. All that while I still had plenty of weeks to go. Like, was I supposed to keep that to myself according to OP? That's so sad for his wife.
Am 39 weeks pregnant, can confirm. The trifecta of crotch pains alone is exhausting, on top of the actual exhaustion.
I’m 29 weeks and I’m SO uncomfortable all the time. I legitimately can’t even clean my house, because I’m anemic, so literally just walking from the living room to the kitchen gets me so out of breath and I feel like I’m going to pass out. I cried yesterday because I was trying so hard to just clean the goddamn living room. I’ve still got 10 weeks of this shit. I went to bed 2 hours ago. I’ve been rolling around trying to get comfortable. I finally just gave up and grabbed my phone.
I've been there, friend. It's so rough but you've got this! I hope you have one of those nifty pregnancy pillows. If not consider one! They helped, even if just a little bit 🩷
I do! It was one of my first purchases! And I’m getting one of those support belt things tomorrow! The funny thing is, this is my second pregnancy. My first child is 16, so it’s been a while. As miserable as I am, my first was BAD. I had kidney problems throughout, and was in the hospital for my entire 3rd trimester. This one hasn’t been as bad. I’m older obviously, so the exhaustion is practically unbearable. I can sleep for 14 hours, get up, do whatever for like an hour, and go right back to bed. I also think this baby is going to be much bigger than his sister was
30 weeks here. I’ve been chemo exhausted and bipolar depression exhausted and mania comedown exhausted. This exhaustion is something I can’t even describe. My husband cleaned the entire house today while I slept, but now he’s sleeping and I can’t sleep 😩
I'm 20 weeks.... nobody told me about crotch pain 😳. There seems to be a new weird thing that happens to my body every week lmao
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Omg the crotch pains. When I googled if it was normal it was and the term 'lightning croctch" was perfect whoever coined it.
Don't forget all of your internal organs being kicked and feet getting stuck in the ribs, the baby bouncing around randomly, especially when you're resting, and then when the end of that very long 40ish weeks of pure torture you get to labor for long hours, push a baby out of a small opening and continue to deal with changes to your body while you now have a screaming new born to take care of. Sheesh, I pity his wife. Edit-typo
I can imagine him telling his crying newborn that he should stop crying because other babies have it worse.
I audibly snickered at this. Thank you haha
OP is going to love how newborns have no reasoning whatsoever. You can't reason with a newborn to stop crying.
My baby had their head crammed up under my ribs on my right side. Felt like I had an alien embryo forcing its way out.
Mine thought my left hip was the exit. He was literally crammed into the socket. He was transverse for weeks and refused to move. So, the day I was scheduled for them to try a manual adjustment, I go in for my umpteenth ultrasound (due to issues I required them every 2 weeks starting from about 5.5 months and then weekly the last 2 months) and by some miracle he finally found the right way out and had fully engaged and had fully dropped. I was so thankful, they didn't have to do the manual manipulation on me. Boy, was that whole month + that he was transverse horribly uncomfortable! I had a really rough pregnancy. I was on bed rest for the last 3.5 months, trying to get me to full term, so 2 weeks before my due date I said "screw it" and started walking, finally getting out of the house again (I hadn't before except for my weekly appointments, but even then they made me use a wheelchair), even then the little bugger didn't want to come out once it was finally time, lol. They scheduled my induction for a 6 am check-in time (5 days after my due date) only for my water to finally break just before midnight. He was born at 6:04 on my induction date. We did all of this to keep him in, only for him to finally decide "no I'm quite comfy in here, I'll stay a little longer" and then "oh! You're going to make me come out, fine I guess I'll come out....but you better be ready because I'm coming out fast", my doctor barely made it, the nurses were going to deliver him, lol. They told me if I ever got pregnant again that the moment my contractions start, I would need to get immediately to the hospital. I went from 2cm from midnight to 5am, got my epidural and was immediately at 10cm and was told to start pushing at 5:35 am🤦🏼♀️
And the fact that you smell your own scent and pregnant women reek, they feel like whales, everything aches. I ended up with arthritis in my spine from my very easy pregnancy. I was also constantly in pain or irritable and just completely not my normal self. It took a few months after I gave birth and my hormones regulated to return to myself. And even then I was a new self since I was now a mom and a loving slave to my little dude. My husband only told me to watch my emotions twice, once I was being a witch (early in pregnancy when the mood-swings started) and he told me I was being mean, the other time I was working myself up and getting really upset over losing my dads and my husband sweetly told me to calm down and not to stress out the baby. He never held it against me. He never held it against me that grocery trips started taking an hour longer and let me wear his flipflops when my feet started swelling too much to wear mine after a grocery trip. He made sure I knew he loved me and was there for me. He even prepared my baths and came in to check on me during said baths because baths were the only thing that helped. My advice to your poor wife is go to a pool. The exercise is good but more importantly the water takes some weight off all her joints.
Men don’t realise, but it’s SO uncomfortable that you actually WANT to have a whole human shred apart your body as long as it gets the f*ck out of you. Have you watched any labour videos OP? We are willing to go through that, will actively try and bring it on - *that’s* how uncomfortable and awful it is.
Two hyperemetic pregnancies for me. The second one required a PICC line for seven months. I had a friend who had cancer tell me chemo seemed easier.
I tell everybody, being pregnant is like being constantly hungover for 9 months.
Pregnancy is the worst, I hated it. OP needs to grow the bell up and realise he’s a giant AH and he needs to be supporting his wife and making her life as easy as possible for her because it’s not going to get any easier for her !
Oh my God, so true. The heartburn, my right side (like-my liver area) BURNED with nerve pain because the baby was too high, can't sleep, can't really lie down properly without a mountain of strategically placed pillows, weighing almost or over 200 pounds, swollen legs, regretting whatever I had eaten earlier when I had an unstoppable craving...do we need to go on for OP? Imaging making a WHOLE PERSON and your partner complains about being StrEssEd ???!!!???!! YTA and not to mention a complainer
But you don’t understand, he wants it to be all sunshine and rainbows! Why can’t she just be happy all the time, doesn’t she know how hard this pregnancy has been on him? He’s a cheerful person, which means never having to hear a negative thing ever because it stresses him the FUCK out! He just wants his wife back! She’s been noticeably distant; what’s wrong with her? Couldn’t be him, right? (/s in case it wasn’t abundantly clear) OP, this problem will NOT get better after the baby’s here. You need to step the fuck up because your wife’s going to need you.
URRRGHGHG To everything this guy has said but especially the stuff about wanting his wife back. I'm sorry, but this *is* your wife. It's just that she's a person, so her moods aren't always exactly the same, especially when she's exhausted and in pain and has given her body over to creating this baby that is both of yours. And the worst part is, she did what he said! She stopped complaining to the one person who is meant to listen to her complain about what is obviously a really uncomfortable pregnancy! It's just that she is, understandably, very hurt about how little he seems to care about her feelings. Because, to him, it's all about how her pain and discomfort is bringing him down! I don't even have crazy pregnancy hormones coursing through my body but I'm incredibly annoyed by OP, I can't imagine how his wife is feeling.
I am too, it's making me angry reading it! I'm really really hoping this is a fake post, because surely no one can't be this bloody ignorant? She has his sympathies? Seriously? That's what you say to a colleague who's had bad news, not something you say about/to your wife. Especially when he says it's been a difficult pregnancy, which, judging by his complete lack of awareness, means it's actually been a fecking horrendous pregnancy. Ugh!
You know who isn’t a beacon of positivity? A newborn. This asshat is going to be making his wife do everything because the crying baby “stresses him out”.
Babies are a fucking *drag*. I don’t care how cute or whatever, however rewarding your own baby can be, they are exhausting and draining.
I imagine this guy in the delivery room, complaing that any negative noises his wife makes while she tries to push a human being out her stresses him out. “Come on dear, I’m sure those contractions are hard, but can’t you just grin and bear it? I’ve had a hard day, you know. Everyone has their challenges in life, so you don’t get to play the pity olympics here!” I shudder to think how this guy would be if his wife had to have an emeegency C-section and then needed extra help during her recovery.
I had an emergency C-section with my youngest, they managed to sever some nerves causing paralysis in my hip, also damaged other nerves in my back which didn't help my disability I got further down the line, I have mobility issues (feeling in hip never came back) and problems with going to the toilet, I'm fed up with coughing or laughing and peeing at the same time. It can be debilitating and pregnancy can affect your body for the rest of your life. I have these problems every day and the age of the baby now? Twenty f@ckin eight!!! My husband was and is amazing and has been my rock throughout everything, so for OP I would say- she's incubating a baby....YOUR baby! Give her a bit of empathy and love for God's sake, it's hard for her, I went through hell to give birth and I'd do it again because mom's only care about the baby, if Dr's had passed me the scalpel I would have got him out myself, we would die for that life inside us and believe me she will NEVER forget the callousness you are showing towards her now, get smart guy and start being a dad now not once baby is here! YTA!
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not carry but CREATE children - OP’s wife is literally making a child using the resources from her own body!
Even him saying she’s been pregnant “a while now”. Like sir, there’s a maximum of how long she will pregnant. It’s not like you don’t know when or have an idea of when your baby will be her. He makes it sound like he’s fed up of her being pregnant and like everyone else has mentioned, he’s not even the one carrying the child. It’s “so exhausting “. Like, spare me please. Grow up OP. Your poor wife is gonna be raising TWO babies soon. YTA PS. he’s in for a tough reality check when (finally 😒) comes
Yep! Whenever I hear a man whine about his pregnant partner and how he's so tired it's like, my dude what do you think it'll be like when you have an entire helpless baby to look after? Oh that's right, they then complain about ever having to "babysit" their own child because she wants to have a girls' night out for the first time in like four years since she got pregnant.
I’m 9 months pregnant. During the first trimester I was so tired all the time, sometimes I slept up to 18 hours a day. The only things I could eat without getting extremely nauseous were Pizza Hawaii and chicken nuggets. During the second trimester I cried every other day because I felt too fat, I had pimples, or just because. One time I cried because I ate all of my skittles and couldn’t get any more, since all shops were closed. Now at third trimester my amazing BF has to kinesio tape my belly and back every week, otherwise I couldn’t even walk or sit anymore. I can’t sleep, because I either have to pee, am thirsty, baby is kicking like crazy or I can’t get in a comfortable position to sleep. I’m constantly exhausted. Last night I cried for like two hours because I realised my due date is coming closer and closer (what a shock…) and I don’t feel ready to be a mom. And compared to how others have it, my pregnancy is extremely unproblematic and easy. So yeah, OP YTA.
I feel you… I cried Friday night because I couldn’t get a bacon egg and cheese biscuit from McDonald’s at 11pm and cried for a good chunk of today because I’m about to have my baby and I’m scared. Pregnancy is the worst and I’m so torn between wanting it to be over and being terrified of it being over because what if I’m not as prepared as I thought. I’m just focusing on breathing exercises and trying not to go mad at this point. Hope all goes well with your delivery!!!
I'm sending you all the ghost hugs.
His kid turning into a world class whiner at 4 will not impact him greatly because mum will be carrying 98% of the childcare load. He may babysit every once in a while but only if the kid doesn’t “stress him out” /s
Also he said it’s been a difficult pregnancy. I don’t know specific details and that could mean many things but even non complicated pregnancies are tough so if she is having complications she deserves support. Someone always has it harder but it’s all relative. You can’t ask someone not to complain about stuff because someone else has it worse. They’re entitled to their feelings and people need to support their pregnant partners even when it’s hard.
The irony of telling his wife she’s trying to play the pity okympics, when the post started out wth him listing all the reasons his wife’s pregnancy is stressing HIM out. YTA OP
Hi, mother of 12 yo stopping by to ask - when does that phase end?
I am currently pregnant. Have been for a while. In my 9th month. I have complained often. I have cried out of the physical pain of carrying a baby. I have had mood swings. I have felt low due to my body not feeling like it was before. I have complained feeling ugly and fat. Well, the list goes on. The point is: pregnancy is hard. Specially if you are a first time mom; all of it is new. Days can be legit difficult. My husband has been so patient in supporting me all thru this. If he had said to me what you said to your wife, I would have been extremely upset and disappointed in him. I would have felt all alone in this difficult journey. You are a big AH. You are not dealing with the physical repercussions of being pregnant. Grow up, be a man and support your wife in a positive way.
Am in the same boat, 39 weeks currently! My fiance is so amazingly supportive. Happy for you that you have that too. Good luck with your upcoming delivery!
His poor wife is going to forever remember his comment. That whole thing of pregnant women remember who they're treated is very true. It's one of the most uncomfortable, painful, sometimes downright gross, emotional, vulnerable times any human can go through. I know that comment had to be heart breaking and caused her entire view point of him to shift.
imagine op with a moody teenager. teenagers are notoriously negative and you will have to deal with that till theyre done with puberty without snapping.
Lol my son is 16... Send help! On the upside, my daughter is almost 19 and we survived that so, fingers crossed!
Oh, and did you notice that he felt bad that she was “taking out the wrong way” and that he was just “brutally honest” and should have been more “tactful”? At least in the post, he never acknowledged that what he said might have been wrong. OP is definitely the “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” type.
People who describe themselves as brutally honest usually seem to be much more into the brutal part than the honest part.
Like damn, "My wife is pregnant and that has put a lot of stress on ME", screw that she is going to raise two baby's
Absolutely. This. YTA.
the only way i could even imagine this being like near the line of okay would be “hey, im having a rough day mentally, i understand you’re also going through it right now but would you be able to be positive for the evening to help me out? i’d love to hear about everything tomorrow but i don’t have the brain space for it right now, im sorry” but he’s clearly not emotionally intelligent (or just intelligent?) enough to approach it that way. i’ve asked my partner if they could not share their problems with me for a day when i was really going through it, and i’d do the same for them if they asked. YTA op edit to add: what i mean is that it’s okay to not have the space to hear someone’s problem immediately (unless it’s urgent). this guy does seem like he’s being douchey about it though.
Google "support in, complain out". Your wife is at the absolute center of the circle. She's carrying your baby, FFS, and she's having a very difficult time right now. She gets to vent to anyone, including you. You are the next ring out. You can complain to anyone else about how hard your life is, but not to your wife. Your job is to support her. If you can't cope with her difficult pregnancy, how the hell are you going to cope with the challenges of raising a child? YTA.
>She gets to vent to anyone, including you. I might change the word "including" to "especially." OP, you are her HUSBAND. Fucking act like it.
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Exactly. He husband. The one who fucked her and got her pregnant.
My wife has blessed us with 2 awesome kids (2.5 yo and a 5 mo old so this is still pretty fresh in memory) but both her pregnancies almost killed her. GD, preeclampsia, gestational hypertension, and emergency C-sections for both. Plus her first one she had the thing where the morning sickness lasts all day and it never goes away. She cried over French fries, ice cream sandwiches, and any other tiny little thing. Sometimes I felt like a punching bag. But I know she didn’t mean it, she was performing something amazing for us and that takes a toll, she needed a place to vent and she I’m her safe space so she could. But through it all you know what I never did? Was downplay or disregard her feelings and emotions she was having at that time. If you don’t support her emotionally she will start to spiral down and if she gets PPD from the hormone dump then that will only escalate it worse. Be the safe space you promised her you would be. Sometimes it’s hard, very hard. But it’s all worth it in the end. She will get through it if you help her or not, but rest assured if you don’t help and support she will know she can’t count on you and for a new mother in protect baby and keep them alive mode you will be put on the chopping block. This is just the beginning too my dude. If she breastfeeds? Hormones. If y’all formula feed, different hormones. She is gonna be up every 3 hours feeding the baby for the first couple months. The baby is gonna cry and keep you both up for a year. She is going to be sleep deprived; mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted; she is going to break down and even lash out because you’re the closest one there. You need you to step up and help her. You 1000% signed up for this and it’s a long road but it’s an awesome, fulfilling experience. Edit: YTA
This advice is 100% on point. OP needs to read this. Also OP is YTA, this pregnancy is not about him, and it will not get easier from here on. Trying to help her see the positive in the situation can be nice, she's growing an actual human child, it's magical. But pregnancy also sucks, and her feelings that it sucks is absolutely valid, especially as she's having a hard pregnancy, and she needs to be allowed to vent about it without OP complaining that it's killing his buzz or whatever. And I'm saying this as someone who had the easiest pregnancy ever. OP needs to support his wife, growing a human is hard AF.
And you absolutely CAN complain that it is hard for the father as well! I've been on both sides (same sex couple, one kid is biologically mine, one my wifes) and no, supporting your wife isn't easy. So I think it's perfectly OK to complain that is hard. The difference between an ah and a decent person is who they complain to! Go to your best friend/parents/siblings/colleagues/I don't care or even scream into the void of the internet to find relief. It's even OK to say "honey, tonight, I really don't have the energy to listen" if that happens once every few months. But in the end, you need to find a way to go back to the person you PROMISED to support through the good and the bad ready to step up again because she NEEDS you! And it gets even worse with a baby...
She’s growing a human in her body with an admittedly difficult pregnancy and Op told her he doesn’t wanna hear it. Then he all sad she doesn’t just go back to being her bubbly self.
>how the hell are you going to cope with the difficulties of raising a child? By making his wife do the majority of the work, I suspect
Gonna try to be a little gentler than the rest of comments because I care about your wife and don't want you to get too defensive. Yes, you've been working extra hours, trying to save up. GREAT! that's GOOD. Kudos to you. So...what is wifey doing while you work all these extra hours? She's home alone with her thoughts, her real complications, her fears, her sickness. She's alone home, you're not there as much because of the extra hours. So then you get home. YOU'RE exhausted. But then she perks up, because now she can finally talk to her partner, the person whose kid this is, and she can share the worries that have been on her mind for 10+ hours. But... you don't want to hear her. You want her to be happy and cheerful.. It's a hard pregnancy, and to her, you don't care. You don't care about her feelings or her stress or her worries. You think she's overdoing it. This adds to her worries now, because now her partner hates how much she talks. So she tries to correct it. She stuffs her feelings inside her, keeps her worries and fears to herself, she silently suffers. Giving you the peace and quiet you begged/demanded. STILL YOU'RE UNHAPPY. Soon she's going to wonder if you love her, if you want to be with her. You're saying you're unhappy with her no matter what she does. Do you know a lot of partners turn on their female partners when they're pregnant and more vulnerable? You're always so unhappy. She's going to probably wonder if you're cheating on her, because why else would you be so unhappy to see her face when you get home? When she talks, it's a problem. When she's quiet, it's a problem. She can't win. And she still has to deal with her pregnancy all by herself because you don't care. OP, you're pretty self-centered right now in yout thinking, me me me. You're going to have a child, their needs are going to have to be your priority. Do you think you're able to be a good father and put them first? Maybe you should start looking at your wife as a real life person, one with feelings, fears and she's scared, tired and worried. Be better. Be a better partner, be a more empathetic person. YTA but you don't have to remain one.
This. OP, you're being extremely self centered. This is the easy part right now, you really should seek out therapy to help you cope. Just because women CAN carry children does not mean that it comes natural and is easy. Her body is being completely re-arranged right now, and with a difficult pregnancy shes trying to monitor her condition. Which if you cared for her at all you would listen. If she ends up in the hospital, you need to know what her symptoms have been and worst case scenario you need to speak on her behalf. Also it can be really hard to know when to go to the ER, what's normal vs an emergency. That can be a difference between life and death for her and the baby right now. There is a real possibility that she might downplay her symptoms or not go to the ER right away because she doesnt want to bother you. THAT could be life or death depending on how serious her complications are. So sorry you had to work more hours, but she is literally putting her life on the line to bring YOUR protege into the world.
My OB told my husband “you might hear complaints, but I’m hearing symptoms”
That’s a fucking bomb ass line I love that
Not disputing anything except, "this is the easy part". That may be true for some, but definitely not everybody. My wife's pregnancy was one of the hardest times in my life, and the reason we decided not to have a second child was because I don't want to go through her being pregnant again. For the first trimester she had incredibly bad morning sickness and a host of other problems, in the second trimester she would sleep 14 hours per day, and then in the third trimester the sickness came back and she was also unable to sleep. Throughout the whole thing she had gestational diabetes, but refused to eat properly because she was so nauseous. On one side I had her doctors telling me how incredibly important it was to keep her blood sugar at the right level and that it was critical for me to encourage that, and on the other I had a wife who refused to eat properly to manage her blood sugar. This was super hard for her. She felt terrible, her brain didn't work the way she wanted it to, she couldn't sleep properly, always uncomfortable. It was also incredibly hard for me, because not only did I have (and want) to support her through all this, but I also had my own anxiety around it without any ability to control her or even influence how she chose to go through it. During the 2nd trimester I was also incredibly lonely because she would literally come home from work, sometimes eat dinner, then go straight to sleep. For 3 months I was effectively alone because I was home to be there when she needed me, but had nobody to interact with during a time that I needed my own emotional support. In many ways it became much easier once my son was born. I was able to help out much more directly, and we were able to share the load by sleeping in shifts. The time she was resting I wasn't lonely anymore, because I had a baby to interact or just be with, and the stress of her diabetes was reduced because now she was only responsible for maintaining her own health and not the baby's as well. Anyway the point of all that is that pregnancy can be super hard on both partners, and that actually raising the children can be much easier. That's certainly been my experience. OP is still an AH, but pregnancy is not always a warm up for the main event.
I don't think the commenter meant that the pregnancy was the easy part, just that it is easy for the husband, because he's not the one pregnant, and the baby hasn't arrived yet. Once the baby is born, both of them will be kept up at night, will have to feed the baby, burp it, bathe it, change the diapers, etc... So if OP is unwilling to support his wife now, when all he has to do is basically wait and listen, imagine how it will be in a few months when the baby wakes him up at night? Is he going to be as unhelpful as he's being now?
My only fear when reading these comments is that OP might be experiencing some kind of caregiver's burnout. It seems like: - he took more shifts at work to take care of the family financially - the pregnancy has been complicated from the start - once he gets back home he has no time to unwind before (rightfully) tending to his wife emotionally who has a lot of worries - once he's done doing that he goes to sleep and repeats it all over again I'm not at all agreeing with OP and the way he acted however, I dislike the way no one is even trying to consider how hard and mentally taxing it can be to financially and emotionally take care or someone. Being around someone who is (again rightfully, I'm not blaming his wife one bit) often complaining can easily make you feel like you can't open up yourself and complain (about your day, your job, something bad that happened) and this can easily lead to resentment and inappropriate outbursts like the one he had I'm honestly on the fence between a soft YTA and NAH
THANK YOU they're obviously both going through a lot and he's keeping it to himself and like ya I complain a lot and sometimes I need to be told that kind of stuff also... Like he's not a monster he just phrased it wrong he's definitely NTA nobody is here... He obviously feels bad about it....
...have you read his comments??? He said in one comment that HE drew the short stick when it came to his wife's pregnancy. He dismisses anyone who even mentions having empathy for his wife and wants his wife to stop complaining because "other people have it worse"- but continues to try and justify why he is allowed to complain, showing how hypocritical he is. He is definitely TA.
Nah, especially based on the comments, he is very much the asshole. His wife is pregnant and he’s complaining about getting the short end of the straw. He doesn’t feel bad about it, he’s still calling his wife needy and getting defensive
Does he feel bad about it though? Nothing in how this was written suggests that to me. The most he does is acknowledge that she's had a difficult pregnancy. What really does it for me is that anyone complaining brings him down. That's not said as a pregnancy thing, that's said as a life thing. He doesn't want negativity around him because it bums him out, so my immediate thought is how often does she (or anyone else around him) have to bottle up what they're feeling because he can't cope with people not being happy? No one likes negativity, but it's life, it happens. And honestly, the moment someone uses the 'someone has it worse than you' phrase, they become an AH to me, because it serves no purpose other than to tell that person that they're not allowed to be upset.
thank u for putting my thoughts into words. i knew that the top comments would be hard y t a judgments but i think this is just two soon-to-be-parents attempting to navigate stressful life
It's funny how Reddit tends to play both sides of the coin. For a place that loves to champion the importance of mental health and decry the toxic masculinity mindset, they sure are quick to shit on a guy's mental health and tell him to suck it up.
His reaction to his stress was to attack his wife. He didn’t state his needs, he tried to shame/humiliate her out of expressing hers. If your instinct when under stress is to lash out at someone with a serious mental condition, you’re an asshole.
Exactly! His words and phrasing are clear. He didn’t ask how he could bring up to his wife that he’s struggling, too. He’s essentially asking how he can get her to pretend she’s not pregnant. Sounds like toxic positivity to me.
He wouldn't be an asshole if he was taking steps to address his stress and mental health but what he actually did here was dismiss his wife, minimize her concerns, and shame her for feeling miserable during pregnancy. He is the AH for attacking his wife instead of having a respectful conversation with her. If he is stressed out, he should find a support group or go to therapy. He shouldn't attack his wife who is literally growing a human. PITY OLYMPICS???? No that's just AH behavior. He could have had an honest and constructive conversation with her about how he was feeling but instead he basically told her to shut up and pretend she was happy.
I understood from OP‘s post that his main problem is lack of sleep at night, because she’s awake and wants to talk or go on drives to distract herself. But maybe I misread that. To me, that makes quite a bit of difference - does she want his attention and support when he’s home during waking hours? Then he’s the AH for refusing. Does she wake him up at night to complain? Then he’s not.
This. It looks likes people are skipping that part. Her waking him at night becomes a bit much to talk or go on drives! He is doing extra hours he is tired etc I think this is the issue and led to him eventually saying what he said.
Agree with this. It's obviously unfair to make him take her for a drive in the middle of the night. He needs sleep to work, to make their life work. But he really should be able to listen to her worries and her complaints. I'm a little nervous that maybe OP is overworking himself. I get the need for money, but right now it sounds like it's at the expense of his health and their relationship. If he's working more than usual, but still has time/energy for anything other than sleeping, that energy should be directed towards his pregnant wife and her difficult pregnancy. And under no circumstance (even being overworked) should he hit her with that toxic positivity shit. It's fair that she needs to talk about feeling like shit with her partner.
This! OP just made her complicated pregnancy MORE complicated taking away what she viewed as her support, esp if she doesn't have an amazing support system!
Imo this is the best comment here. OP is a MESS. He’s seriously so self-centered. I feel awful for his wife. And uh OP apparently is unable to regulate his emotions when others complain… and is having a child?? I’m sorry I laughed out loud. Also: obviously pregnancy has a lot of ups and downs for men too, but if he’s burnt out already, maybe he needs to work less and have more time available to prepare for this and to be there for his wife? YTA OP. Please listen to this person and take their advice to heart. You need to be doing something differently here.
Not saying that it's not hard for her, but he might not be well at all either. There's post partum depression, and that includes fathers... And it's not a magical thing that happens at birth. Usually it comes from having a hard time before birth already, undiagnosed or diagnosed mental illnesses, etc
For women, it’s hormonal.
It always baffles how people ignore pregnant women's complains because "other women get pregnant all the time wothout problem", "other people have it worse". I don't care if billions of women got pregnant before me, it's still scary. Especially to first time pregnant women. It's like telling an injured person "don't complain, billions of people before you had injuries/have broken something and were fine". Why is it so normal to say this to a pregnant woman?
This is why women say “nothing” when their husbands or boyfriends ask them what’s wrong.
The fact OP is now sulking because their wife is ‘distant’ really takes the cake. They want her to talk to them but only in a cheerful way 🙄
It’s the crux of why his take is so awful. This reads like one of those 1950s guidebooks for housewives, telling them to run a comb through their hair and put on a big smile to greet hubby as he comes home from his VERY demanding 9-5 workday of drinking gin at his desk and chatting up the office ladies.
Exactly. And he’s going to be even more petulant when the baby is here!!!
Yep. This sounds like when I was expecting my first child: I had a complicated pregnancy. My now ex-husband thought I was the most annoying thing ever (and told me so) when I was worried that I and/or the baby would die. The baby was born early, and was very very fussy. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Ex-husband complained that it felt like I didn’t love him any more. Anyway. I hope this guy miraculously changes his attitude, because his wife’s situation is tough. I feel for her.
this!! it’s giving “you should smile more” energy
i was in a relationship just like this. he was so fucking cruel when i opened up and then when i stopped i was called distant. OP you are a fucking child and your actions border on abusive. i bet this isn’t the first time you caused a problem and then blamed your wife for it. grow the hell up.
Yes!! I’ve heard so many people accuse ‘the silent treatment’ of being childish punishment but in my experience I only go quiet when I’m trying to push all my emotions down. I can’t talk when I’m at the brink of a meltdown.
>My wife has been pregnant for a while now, and it's put a lot of stress on me. Bless your heart, this one may pick up enough traction to get mentioned on my local radio morning show tomorrow. You're having a tough time. So is your wife. There will always be people who have it worse than both of you. This will pass and things will be even tougher for awhile. >with everything she's going through I could have phrased it more tactfully I have to agree with that one. As much as I am trying to empathize with your frustration and exhaustion, YTA for the way you said what you did.
The "pregnant for a while" part got me. Like, is he blaming her for the gestation period of humans?
My immediate thought was “this dude has no clue how far along his wife is, does he?”
YEP. So concerned is he with his own comfort he has ZERO idea how far along she is, which given it has been difficult, wouldn't that mean more doctor visits? Does he not go to any of them? In any case, if you don't know, you're zoning out when she talks anyway because there is no way in hell she hasn't said in a complaining moment how many weeks she has left. YTA and my god when the baby comes and neither of you get sleep, I hope you remember she started experiencing that 8-10 months ago.
It’s her fault for how long her pregnancy is taking! It’s giving him stress ulcers! /s
Maybe his wife is an elephant.
That would make taking her for drives more challenging. It would also explain why he does not trust her to manage her own diet and exercise. And that would make the apartment feel smaller. Yiu are on ti something!
Like, couldn’t she hurry it up or something…?
His whole post was poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poooooooooor meeeeeeeeee! And it got worse the more I read.
You are a massive AH. You have no idea what a woman's body goes through while pregnant. She probably wants some reassurance and comfort from you and you deride her instead. Just wait til the kid starts talking if hate complaining so much.
YTA. “My wife has been complaining every single day”? “… playing the Pity Olympics”? Dude, YTA. You saying others have it worse is like saying that her problems don’t matter/insignificant in your eyes, especially when compared to your own. She’s going through an hormonal and emotional rollercoaster with the pregnancy right now. She needs you to be remain calm and be that someone she can depend onto for help/ problem solve, and you indirectly showed you don’t want to do that. Now, she likely will not go to you when she really does need help, and hide any issues she does have, which could potentially have a negative effect on the baby too. It’s not just what you said, but also how you said it. Being overwhelmed and frustrated is understandable, but you should have just said it gentler. (Ex: honey, I’m tired from work, I’ll take you out to drive tomorrow. )
YTA, oh if you can’t even take this bit, how are you going to handle a crying-all-day baby, whining-all-day kid, emo-all-day and ignoring-you-all day teenager.
At least the wife has some experience dealing with it
😂🤣😂
Exactly kids are a handful
YTA. Wow. Friend, your wife is growing a whole human inside her body. Her hormones are all over the place, her body is changing and stretching in ways you will never understand, she's likely stressed and worried about after this baby is born. You friend, come off as completely insensitive & lacking any semblance of understanding of how terrible pregnancy is on a woman's body. YTA
I feel like not enough people realize that while the baby grows, other organs have to relocate elsewhere in the body. They should show a diagram of that the organs are in a pregnant lady. Many man might stop complaining.
I’ve seen videos; it’s wild. Poor lungs. They get so smushed!
For me stomach hurt the most. Always hungry, but not enough room. By 7 months inwas eating every 30 min, took me 2 hours to finish a regular meal.
Til the baby drops, then you can breathe again. Trade off is the smashed bladder, and 24hr crotch pain, or as my SO calls it, the "thunder down under"
Not to mention that, even in this day and age, death is a possibility. She is putting her life on the line for your family.
YTA YTA YTA That is literally the worst thing to say to anyone, let alone your pregnant wife.
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YTA. Pregnancy.....otherwise known as CREATING LIFE......was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever experienced. It's the reason I had only 1 child. I cried EVERYDAY. I couldn't sleep, AT ALL. And you can't take it for 9 months? You are an wimpy ass.
People who haven’t experienced pregnancy are really bad at taking it seriously. “Women have done if for all of history! How bad can it be?” As it turns out, really f***ing bad. Pregnancy is awful. Worth it, but awful. I’m pregnant right now and I wouldn’t wish these symptoms on my worst enemy. Though I might wish them on this guy for a couple days just so he can understand.
And nobody talks about it! Before you get pregnant you hear about morning sickness and needing to pee but that's it. I'm pregnant now, too. I'm 40 weeks, so the end is in sight. This has been 9 months of heart burn, nausea, insomnia, round ligament pain, pelvic girdle pain.... the list goes on and on. The pelvic pain is one of the most excruciating things I've ever experienced. I can't turn over in bed or get out of a chair without searing pain that feels like my pelvis is being ripped apart. No one talks about it, because if they did no one in their right mind would voluntarily go through it. And all of this while still having to pretty much function as usual in our day to day lives, because none of this is considered debilitating enough to warrant special consideration. It's all just par for the course. Our doctors are just like "yeah sorry that sucks, you just kind of have to deal with it." Can't even take most medicines to help with any of it. My OB straight up said about my PGP that "it's the sort of pain that ibuprofen helps with, but you can't take that." Tylenol doesn't touch this kind of pain, and that's the only thing we're allowed to take. Literally just have to continue going about my life in some of the worst pain I've ever experienced until this baby comes out. Physical therapy helps a little. Factor in all the unsolicited advice, opinions, and judgements - plus the hatefulness of people who say stuff like "maybe you should have thought of that before you spread your legs" if you dare to say that standing up on the bus while heavily pregnant is hard and dangerous... the entire experience is just full of difficulties even if it's an "easy" pregnancy. Thank god I haven't had complications like gestational diabetes or pre-eclampsia or complete placenta previa. Or heaven forbid not having access to healthcare. If my husband reacted like this jackass when I complain about any of this, I would lose my shit.
I hope you have a safe delivery, and healthy baby ❤️
I once started sobbing while getting out of bed my hips hurt so bad. Entire days not being able to eat and then when I could throwing it up. No comfortable laying positions and shitty bathroom interrupted sleep. Everyone's idiotic urge to touch your stomach. I'm so with you, my one is my only. I seriously wished I'd taken up being a nun by month 6.
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He’s in this situation bc of the 🍆. Good lord, he’s going to be a terrible father.
That was my first thought. What happens when he’s decided the baby is being a baby & should just suck it up cuz other babies have it worse?
Are you sure she's the one whining a lot? You seem to be quite a pro at it yourself. We get it. it's so stressful for you that she's growing a human. It must be very hard for you that she can't sleep, can't breathe well, and is anxious about the fact that her special lady parts are about to be ripped open. Poor you!
YTA. 99.7% of the time, someone always has it worse. She is pregnant. Having a difficult pregnancy. That was not a good thing to say.
YTA. Get used to missing your wife. You’ve made it very clear to her that she can’t rely on you to support her through the challenges of pregnancy and unless you change that’ll continue after she’s had the baby. And then you’ll be complaining to a bunch of strangers on the internet all over again
Yta you don't get to have it both ways. You told her to stop talking to you and now you're sad boi bc she's not talking to you.
YTA, pregnancy sucks and there may not be a lot going right for her right now with the many drawbacks of it.
YTA. If you can’t handle your pregnant wife, how are you going to handle a postpartum wife AND a child?
YTA, not for feeling how you feel, but for how you went about telling her what you need. What you’ve told her is that she can’t share negative feelings with you, and so it makes sense she’s a bit distant. To avoid this, you can try letting her know how the way she talks is making you feel, rather than invalidating her feelings to try to get her to stop complaining.
NAH. I think the comments are a bit harsh here... yes he's her emotional support but if ALL she does is complain to him then I'd be fed up too. If she's keeping him up at night just to complain then that will only cause sleep deprivation and cause more frustration. Growing a baby is hard but he's not asking her to climb Mount Everest, just tone down the complaining. The way OP told her this could have definitely been kinder so she's nta for giving him the cold shoulder. That said, you're saying she wants to stay up and talk or go on drives. Perhaps try scheduling it for earlier in the day. More so than a difficult pregnancy she's looking for connection with you. Have a meaningful talk at dinner time, go on a scenic drive on the weekend. Hopefully this will help.
YTA - You clearly have no understanding of what your wife is going through while preparing to bring your child into the world. You think you're tired!?! You have no idea what tired is like when you are pregnant, especially later into the pregnancy. All you posted about is how it affects you and how you feel. You need to apologize, and I mean grovel, to her. You need to pull your head out of your ass and realize she is going through the actual difficult time, you are just being inconvenienced. News alert, pregnant women tend to complain!! I wonder how other mothers in your life would react to the way you are treating your wife during her pregnancy, smh.
NTA … as a woman I’m tired of the way people use pregnancy as a means to excuse / overlook poor behaviour. OPs feelings & mental health are equally important & his needs shouldn’t be negated simply because his partner is pregnant. Support goes both ways in a relationship.
Maybe ESH? There needed to be a healthy boundary. Pregnancy isn't an excuse but it is so hard, OPs wife is allowed to feel that it's hard and to complain about it. Problem is that OP has taken on extra work and is reaching his limit. The way OP reacted is the problem, not the fact he wanted boundaries. As many things on this sub, this is something that needs to be solved by sitting down and having a talk about what each of them needs and find compromise in how to get it. He needs to sleep enough to work. She needs some space to vent. There are ways to achieve both those things without OP snapping.
DID YOU WANT A CHILD? Then, YTA.
I've been in the situation of having someone constantly, nonstop complaining to the point I wasn't even allowed to go to sleep at night. There's nothing like it. It's hell on earth. If I said anything about it, there'd be angry outbursts or the silent treatment for days. NTA
YTA, I know how stressful it would be to work constantly and come home just to hear a lot of complaining but you have to remember that what she’s going through is 24/7 work for 9 straight months and as her partner you’re the one she’s suppose to rely on to air out grievances. She’s gotten distant from you because you just put her off from wanting to share things with you because it might be taken as her complaining causing you to snap at her again. Be a better partner OP and be there for your pregnant wife
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NAH - going against the grain. Yes, it’s super hard for her. And yes, you could have used different words to express your frustration. But it’s hard for you both. Try to have a calmer conversation about what is happening here.
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NTA. Reddit it touchy about pregnancy and seems to think that it's the worst thing in the world to endure and you can't possibly understand. I'm a woman, given birth too. Yeah sure there were crappy things about it but it wasn't the worst thing in the world by a long shot.
Are you seriously pulling the, "it wasn't hard for me so it isn't that hard" card? Lmfao.
Reddit is touchy when it's a man vs. woman post.
oh wow it’s almost as if DIFFERENT BODIES GO THROUGH DIFFERENT THINGS DURING PREGNANCY. it’s almost as if YOUR PREGNANCY IS WILDLY DIFFERENT FRON THAT OF OP’S WIFE
I had to scroll way too far for this reasonable comment!
Lol at the replies. NTA. It’s always better to look out for yourself, no matter who the other person is. There’s just so much that a person can take. And to people saying it’s okay because she’s pregnant, get fucked.
Coming from a pregnant woman, thank you!!! Being pregnant is EXHAUSTING, I KNOW the struggles she’s experiencing. But my husband also knows a full night of sleep and I know when he’s dealing with too much. There’s a line you cross when constant complaints will begin to suck the life out of your partner & it seems like the wife doesn’t understand that she is not the ONLY person in the house that needs cared for. He can’t pour to her from an empty cup.
YTA. She’s pregnant, dude. Obviously, that excuse doesn’t work like if she was actively and intentionally acting malicious, but she really just needs you to be there for her right now. I don’t think she’s asking you to solve the issue, but her body is going through a lot and being there for her to vent would be a huge thing for her. It’s not even about who deserves more “pity” or “sympathy.” I can empathize with both of you. But, because of a very obvious physical and emotional burden, she needs your support. I read some of your other comments and you do seem really stressed out. It comes across and I think what some may read as angry or whiny is coming across to me as desperate and worn. Could you build in an hour or any amount of time in the day for yourself? You could even let your wife know that you want to support her, but you just need some time after work to decompress you can better support her and have a clearer mind. Like, just to go for a walk and get some fresh air or go to the gym if you’re into that. And you should get the ulcers checked out. I don’t know if you’re like this at all, but when the only time I’m outside is for my commute from home to work/classes, I feel like I’m going a little insane. I don’t think you’re trying to be a dick, but I do think that this is a time when supporting her should be a priority. But if you can have a bit of time for yourself to chill out, that might be helpful.
NAH She needs to let you sleep! I feel for her I really do but im which way is keeping the partner working up at night, repeatedlly a way that will make their life better?
YTA. Yeah, a lot of people do have it worse. Not you! You’re her husband. You are supposed to comfort her and not yell at her about how your life is so difficult at work doing your regular job in no pain from carrying a heavy baby all day trying to walk around in back pain with a big freaking belly with the baby kicking and the stress from having to push it out in a few months or less. I’m not saying that working isn’t stressful sometimes and you sound like you are stressed out but you don’t need to take it out by yelling at your pregnant wife in pain to be more positive. She can’t magically flip a switch to be in less pain and when you get married it means you are in love and will comfort your partner in health and in pain.
NTA if your wife is depressed she should take some responsibility for herself as a future mother and an adult, and find a therapist to talk to it's OK to lean onto your partner for some emotional support, it's not OK to use them as a punching bag day in day out, waking them up in the middle of the night to share your dark thoughts OP, you might have tried to word it better, but at the end of the day you are not wrong
ESH You absolutely could have found a more tactful way to tell your wife you're feeling burnt out and in need of some positivity for your mental health. Her for expecting you to work, take care of her, and be her 24/7 therapist. If she's continuously preventing you from getting rest of course you're going to get easily frustrated from being tired and burnt out which is unfair.
Literally why is this in the negatives, I hate this sub What happened to downvoting things that don’t contribute to the discussion, not just stuff you disagree with?
I think you are stressing yourself out a bit too much...you're stressing about what she's eating, how much she's exercising...I ate what I could handle and exercised when I wasn't barfing or feeling like death... perfectly healthy baby, uncomplicated birth. You don't need to micro manage every nutrient...the baby will take what it needs. You also can't be working yourself up to an extent that your mental health is getting impaired - you don't need to be around each other 24/7 unless she's very high risk and even then, carers need some reprieve. If you're working the next morning, late night drives and long midnight conversations have to be limited...you'll have plenty of time to be sleep deprived when the baby actually arrives. You already sound burnt out. The dynamic seems somewhat unhealthy...there are pregnancy groups, mothers groups etc. that serve a purpose, as do friends and family. Why are you the *only* support system? Lastly, pregnancy isn't some homogenous experience for all women - mine was hell while my best friend felt better than ever. While you have to make concessions, so does she. You need to get out and see your family, some friends...engage in an activity that will help ground you.
>I told her that I'm balancing a job and taking care of you, Ok, that's fine, I'm sure she'd understand. I hope you told her you're willing to listen to her but you also need a break to decompress. > plus everyone in life has their own challenges and you can't just whine about it and play the pity olympics, it's getting old. YIKES. It's fair to feel the way you feel. Your delivery sucked. YTA. She's probably very hurt and doesn't know what the boundary for "just talking" and "complaining" is now. Apologize for being unnecessarily harsh but also communicate about how you're feeling exhausted with everything. Don't minimize what she's feeling but say you'd appreciate if you guys could chill together and do something fun and relaxing. Say while you're there for her to talk to, it's a little hard only hearing about negatives cuz that plus your exhaustion, make it mentally difficult for you. Reiterate that you're there for her to talk to and to listen to her fears or thoughts. That's non-negotiable especially when this is probably scary for her. Saying others have it worse is you telling her she has no room to talk. That she has to shut up and pretend to be happy just to appease you. She doesn't and shouldn't care if others have it worse. SHE is going through something NOW. That's what matters to her.
YTA - for someone that is all cheery and hates negativity, and all about how others have it worse… you sure are being all me, me, me. You have to work to support her. You have to buy things for the baby. You aren’t sleeping. Your wife is literally growing your baby. That is so much pressure *everywhere*, it’s exhausting because your body is using so much energy to create life, she can’t sleep because she’s uncomfortable and ALSO stressed about the new life she’s bringing into the world (and you seem like the partner to be like “I work so all the kid stuff is on you” and will view watching your kid as a favor.)
>I got the short end of the stick here YTA WTF are you going to do when the baby gets here?? Continue to be this unsupportive?? She's growing a child..... She's having complications. And guess what?? She gets NO relief from that. She's stuck not being able to medicate because 90% of the things out there she can't take while pregnant... She's looking to you for comfort and support...and you're more worried about yourself and visiting your friends.... And now you're complaining after spewing that garbage to her... You got what you wanted..... She shut you out and stopped looking to you for support. Why don't you call up your Mom and tell her what you said to her?? Cause if she's even half a decent person she should be ripping into you for doing that....
I can imagine the absolute lack of support you will receive here. They will ream you. Pregnancy excuses anything and everything. You did this to her. I’m sorry, I’m out.
My verdict is actually NAH. I feel low-key bad for him, because of the insane pressure he must be under. She’s sick of course, so venting is natural, but I wish people who complained so much thought about the effect it had on the people around them. He’s allowed to feel stressed.I hope they do some counselling to get through it.
Bro, if you can't swallow your pride and accept what people are telling you, you'll be seeing your kid on the weekends. Get over yourself
Can you both get counseling? It sounds like you both need support. I do not think you are an asshole. NTA. I think you are both under a lot of pressure.
YTA. Holy shit - being a father is going to be a monumental surprise for you.
NTA. Would it have been better if you reached boiling point and lost it?
YTA
Dude. YTA. You have absolutely no idea how hard it is to be pregnant so please kindly get a grip.
Soft YTA I get that you are stressed but it's not a walk in the park for her as well. I wish people on this sub would acknowledge that the partner of someone pregnant can get emotionally burnt out as well. We get that she is pregnant and it is difficult, but that doesn't mean the partner isn't going through stuff as well. It's not to say that he is having a harder time than her. The AH part is telling her that shes having a pity Olympics, because ironically from your post, you are a competitor as well. Your response would discourage her from opening up, therefore distant. I most likely not to even punish you but because she feels like she will be brushed off. Your partner is is growing another human that you will have to stress over in the future and having your body staging a revolt against you is a valid reason to complain in my opinion. I would apologize for your comments and then try to communicate with each other. You are most likely your wife's only outlet so she depends on you. It OK to be mentally overwhelmed or burnt out, but don't take it out on your partner. Also communicate that your are stressed without seeming like your are competing. >I'm a pretty cheerful person normally, and I absolutely hate hearing people complain constantly because it really brings me down. I'm pretty sure I'm going to crack any second, so I wanted to put an end to this complaining since I just need some light in my life. I also wanted to address this quote. There is a difference between complaining and venting and it is important to recognize the difference. Your wife is venting and I believe some of your stress may be relieved if you also vented to a family member or friend. It's ok to vent to prevent things from bottling up. If you are interacting with other humans, especially in a work environment, all the annoyances can pile up while your social battery is being drained. An outlet is needed and at the moment your wife needs you to release the pressure. I will state again that you are also allowed to relieve the pressure. P.S. Being pregnant does not give you a pass to be a dick. OP's partner is definitely not related to this comment ,but I see comments with the tone of 'she can do no wrong because she is pregnant'. Hopefully people are granted grace due to the burden of growing another human, but please try not to be a dick.
YTA. Try some empathy.
YTA. You are in for a real lesson and I can only hope you step up instead of becoming yet another shitty parent.
YTA. She doesn't get a break from being pregnant.
YTA, and FYI one of the rules for this sub is not arguing back when someone gives you judgement, you clearly just wanted a pity party and when you didn’t get it you threw a fit, you got what you wanted out of your wife because shes probably miserable all the time so shes not sharing her thoughts
I'm going with NAH. Yes your wife is pregnant and is venting which you should definitely be supportive of. But one of the things I'm not seeing people not onto the y-t-a votes is she's is cutting into his sleep. Dude sounds sleep deprived. She's keeping him up late talking and taking her on drives. COMMUNICATE with her. Talk to her but then say "babe I'm exhausted I'm working x number of hours tomorrow I need to go to bed." And if she prefers you available then discuss with her what you cutting back on your hours would look like financially and if you both think you can swing that budget. Bottom line... TALK TO HER.
NTA she won’t be pregnant forever and just tell her you need to sleep for work at night. Once the baby comes sleep at night will be a luxury.
ESH your delivery sucks and telling anyone that others have it worse is an absolutely dick move. When you have a medical condition that affects your mood hearing that is the worst. That said lol what did you think would happen of course everyone is roasting you and saying you're the ah they don't care about the part where your wife is waking you up on purpose, pregnant people are deified here. They can literally do no wrong I've even seen a few posts from people saying they have the right to smoke and drink if they want, it's insane.