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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I get that Toni situation sucks and all but just because my sister adopted him doesn’t really make him part of the family. Greg sister is still alive and could pop in anytime and say she wants her baby back
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Explain to us how throwing a welcome party to embrace a little boy who was dealt a shit hand in life starting when he was born harms you in any way. Go ahead, we’ll wait.
>I don’t understand how this is a thing with my mom when has has five other grandchildren and she’s all into Toni and feels sorry for him.
Anyone with a beating heart would feel sorry for him. Were the other 5 grandkids abandoned by their parents? No? Then be quiet about it.
>Jess and Greg have good jobs that paid for the adoption process and the get more parents leave than I did for my own children that was either pushed or cut out of my body.
Oh, I get it now. You’re so small that you think your kids and you are more deserving because you birthed them. Seriously, GTFOH
I don’t think Toni will even understands why everyone is getting gifts and cake. It might even confuse him.
Don’t act like you give a shit about this child. Take your fake ass concern and get lost. The kid who is experiencing cake and gifts and love all for him for perhaps the first time in his life will not be confused. He’ll be in heaven.
>I finally get my brother on the phone who has his two children and he told me I shouldn’t even come to the party if I’m going to be a b…c
That was mild. The man has admirable restraint.
>my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies.
stay away every last one of you. Sincerely.
YTA
And, this?
"my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies." - sounds like she married into the right family for her. The pettiness and passive aggressiveness is clearly shared.
On the other hand, let us know when and where and a good chunk of this subreddit will show up with extra cake and those who can't fly in will send bonus presents!
3 year olds are so easy to buy for, too! Just grab pretty much anything with a Fisher Price or Melissa and Doug label (check the age on the packaging first) and you’re set.
Exactly! My daughter turned 3 a few weeks after her brother was born. We had some baby furniture that finally showed up the week after he was born and it showed up in a huge box. We cut some holes in it to make windows and a door. She played in that thing for weeks! We had a hard time getting rid of it because she would freak out about her “house” if we ever tried to toss it out.
I got a box that I LOVED at the start of summer vacation when I was about nine and I listed out on my calendar what I was going to do with it every day. It was awesome
My parents never let us keep cardboard boxes as long as I wanted. As an adult, I could see how hard it would be in such a small house but.... I still secretly hold resentment.
Seriously, someone in the family should hit up an HVAC company or an appliance store for the biggest cardboard box they have. Show up with that, paint, crayons and multi color duct tape.
OP is TA on a cellular level to not comprehend that this is a welcome to our family baby shower, not a newborn baby shower. Her husband's family also has zero comprehension.
Will this child remember this party? Hard to say. What they will remember is the love, joy and caring that it represents. The actual same thing that babies and their parents are "gifted" at a traditional baby shower. What would be more natural and right?
I just think about years down the road on his birthday/gotcha day looking at pictures from this party and how much love this kid will feel long term. She’s a heartless B for trying to play the he won’t even remember card. Especially as a mother herself. She even starts to go on about how she got more paternity leave then her. She just sounds resentful and hateful. This is an update I want to read does OP see the error in her mind set or get ostracized from the family. I’m truly fuming for them over your behavior.
I also want to point out showers and gotcha parties aren’t just about gift Jess and Greg are new parents and these parties are also to get advice and encouragement and things they might not have thought of as first time parents.
He will always have the pictures of the party and the happy faces of the people welcoming him to the family. My 93 year old mother just passed and i found pictures of us and my aunt and grandmother at the beach when I was 3 that I had never seen before. I treasure them.
Oh yes, Conscious
Get him an appliance box!
When we purchased our new stove, we turned the box into a house. It had a door, and a window, cut out like a capital I. The grandchildren LOVED it.
With markers, stickers, and coloring book pages, to hang as pictures, they played in that thing for several weeks!
The kids dragged in blankets, pillows and lots of books.
This little guy is getting a stable home. His new toys, books and clothing will truly belong to him.
And OP wants to throw Her Own pitty party, to test people's "loyalty,"
Smh.
Honestly kids around that age a bunch of (clean) found stuff like fabrics and other crafting supplies often go over well. Stuff they can be creative with and won’t ruin if they get paint or glue or whatever on things or tear things up. Just nothing small they might try to swallow or stick up a nostril. You could throw together something just by hitting up the dollar store for some crayons and paint and paper and a thrift shop or your own older clothing (for the fabric/mess making smock stuff.)
Yeah...hopefully OP has her spite party, realizes that none of her birth family agrees with her, and the trash takes itself out of the rest of their lives.
OMG! She's competing with a toddler whose situation was so bad he was taken from his parents.
What does this party take away from her? Her sense of superiority?
What a ghoul.
Attention…OP clearly wants attention. Everything was a comparison to her and her struggles as a parent. The “what about meeee” attitude is ridiculous. Definitely some narcissistic behavior. YTA
A 3 year old just got adopted because he has no father and his mother abandoned him due to drug use. Sister has decided to adopt the child and the grandma is trying to make her have her little moment of "welcoming the child", and OP is freaking out over it... The "see where loyalty lies" was really something. What an a.h.
this is a shower where I would actually shop off the registry. No, I lie, I would say I should and then end up looking up the registry, getting overwhelmed, and get a gift card to that store for them.
I wonder if OPs issue is that the party is called a”baby shower.” I can’t imagine her being chipped that her mom would want to have a party for this little boy.
Baby shower is not what I would call it as well, but the rest of the post makes it pretty clear that the problem is that this little boy who is joining the family and her sister are being celebrated and she doesn't think they should be. I get the feeling she's really jealous of her sister (they have good jobs, they get more leave, etc). Maybe having children was the one thing she thought she had over her sister and she feels like the sister is getting it easy just adopting a ready-made toddler and that "it shouldn't count'. But her mum making a big deal about it is validating that he does really count.
Honestly I wonder if her family just never threw her a shower for her own kids? That's honestly the only way this jealousy makes sense but even then express that to your mom and sister instead of being passive aggressive.
If that is the case, I get her being upset, however I still think her behaviour is horrible.
That is something you talk through with your family, not blame an innocent kid over it.
Maybe I'm being cynical, but her post comes off as she is just pissed off that her mom is excited over a kid that isn't an "actual" grandkid.
Her explanation for why she may be an AH says:
> I get that Toni situation sucks and all but just because my sister adopted him doesn't really make him part of the family. Greg sister is still alive and could pop in anytime and say she wants her baby back.
It doesn’t seem that she understands the child IS NOW family through adoption and that that mother can’t just “*pop in anytime*”.
She is definitely the AH.
And I hope this family keeps her away from all events in the future.
Oohf I was already simmering through the post, and that last little statement made me boil over into Big Mad. Does OP have even a sniff of the slightest idea how horrifyingly bad that little boy's circumstances had to have been for his birth mother's parental rights to have been completely terminated?? Almost every department devoted to child/family welfare the world over has reunification as a primary goal, and it takes truly egregious and heinous behaviour for that door to be closed. If his new grandmother wants to throw that little boy a party to welcome him and introduce him to the people who are going to love him fiercely and unreservedly for the rest of his life, I couldn't care less what she calls it, just direct me to the wish list!
(Without even beginning on the bullshit attitude that you have to have been the person to carry and birth a child or it somehow doesn't count. What utter mince.)
OP YTA
YES THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE!!! This kid has have been to hell & back several times for parental rights to be terminated and OP still wants to make it all about her. So disgusting 🤢
I feel like his side has probably gotten a heavily edited version of the circumstances. And if, by some miracle, OP was totally honest and they still agreed? Well, OP landed in the right family, I guess.
Where everyone’s loyalty lies? What cray cray is this? Loyalty should lie with welcoming a new young member of the family. Not loyalty to crap opinions.
"See where their loyalty lies" is a really bizarre comment. Does she really think this is a situation where people are choosing between a 3 year old and a grown woman?
Posts like this make me wonder if they're real, but if it is fake the author should write a novel because they've captured the bitter and twisted protagonist perfectly.
Unfortunately people like this exist...far too often. The vitriol spewed over an innocent child who has not had a very nice welcome into this world. People are so small these days.
It makes me think of the witch children in Angola. People will decide a baby/toddler/child is a witch and push them out of the "in group". They starve these children, beat them, hurt them, all because they are "witches", which don't exist, so it's for nothing.
People will justify hating anything. Anybody. It is so backwards that some people can look at an innocent baby or child and HATE them, like OP does for Toni. The baby hasn't even done anything to her!
Hopping on to this comment to add that the purpose of a shower is to help the family by gifting supplies they need for the new addition. A 3 year old needs a hell of a lot of stuff.
YTA
Kid needs three years worth of birthdays all at once. Choosing between celebrating a young kid being adopted or going to an adult pitty party. Hmmmm i choose cake, presents and happy tears. Don't have time for a pitty party.
OP mentioned they have “great jobs” so she also thinks they should be able to financially manage the burden of adoption plus purchasing everything for a 3 yr old to feel at home and be adequately stimulated.
Call it a gotcha party, end of discussion
Edit: yup, I only know one person who adopted and they refer to it as their gotcha day, but forever day is so much nicer
When we adopted our son from foster care we called it “Forever Day” as we feel “gotcha day” makes him sound like a prize. But to each their own. The love is the important part.
Calling it a baby shower lives on the scale of "bad things to do" at about the same level of bad as saying "you too" to the waiter when they tell you to enjoy your meal.
I'm marking it "awk" for awkward.
She doesn't want there to be a party at all. You know, because the kid won't even understand why there's cake and gifts. So you see, OP is just thinking about what's best for the child, it's for his own good! /s
This. Op is a petty person who is jealous of the attention a 3-year-old boy is getting and is definitely deserving of YTA. I really hope this is just rage bait. That poor boy! I mean, I maybe would call it a 'welcome to the family party' over a 'baby shower', but that's just a name. The intent is wholesome. As an adopted person, I can definitely appreciate that the family is welcoming.
OP is not just jealous about the 3 year old joining the family imo shes jealous about everything. About their workplaces covering costs of the adoption, the amount of parental leave they are getting, about her mother wanting to throw a party for a non- biological child. You'd think OP would be happy for her sister. Stay home OP. YTA
The fake concern over the child being confused is so dumb. Even if you have a party for a kid before they remember, they certainly feel joy in that moment. And if pictures are taken and later shown, they will feel cared for and loved later in life too.
I guess we should lock up every kid until they are old enough to be deserving of new experiences.
This. A thousand times. This.
That poor little boy has been dealt a shitty start in life. Abused. Abandoned. Lost. Unloved. Neglected. He finally gets a good home. A Mummy and Daddy who love him. Hold him when he wakes up at night screaming from nightmares about what ever hell his junkie bio Mum put him through. And OP begrudges him a little cake, and an afternoon to shine? And a few toys? She sounds like a jealous 6 yr old.
Toni's new parents were right to dis-invite her. I hate to think how it is going to be at Christmas. Heaven forbid Toni get the same level of gifts as the rest if the so called REAL kids.
I used to work for CPS - they do NOT just take babies from drug addicts. I don't think people understand HOW BAD the abuse needs to be before they terminate parental rights. Since children of color disproportionately make up the majority of children removed from their parents, I wonder if all the pettiness and viciousness on the part of OP is because this is a mixed race baby.
Yep! Im from Arkansas. This is the voice of a white person scorned by being forced to include a darker skin-toned child into the family. I’ve Heard it more than I care to admit. In fact, I actually had an incident at work in the last 6 months related to a scenario similar to this this i had to investigate.
You missed this point:
>OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I get that Toni situation sucks and all but just because my sister adopted him doesn’t really make him part of the family. Greg sister is still alive and could pop in anytime and say she wants her baby back
OP doesn't believe in adoption.
Don't you get it? Celebrating this child hurts OP! Wait, it totally doesn't! OP is an AH of epic proportions who is insanely jealous of a small child who has had a tough life so far. Wow. She really doesn't want this child to have anything.
I agree, there is something wrong with OP. Having a party for a little boy who is being adopted is a kind welcoming gesture. I think OP is upset the attention is not on her.
>I don’t think Toni will even understands why everyone is getting gifts and cake. It might even confuse him.
With OPs logic any child including her own shouldn't have a birthday party until they are around 5.
OP is jealous that Toni is getting attention, everyone in her family sees it. Really a pathetic excuse for a human and parent.
#
She is TA but unfortunately not the only one in her family
Yeah don't forget to host a party OP at the same time, because the shit@ness must show off
Shame on you
YTA. I
" I’m hurt over my mom just accepting this is how it is." - I'm sorry you're hurt because a \*toddler\* who has had their entire life upended, is too young to understand why they were taken away from their mother and is being moved into a totally different life is being given positive attention.
"the get more parents leave than I did for my own children that was either pushed or cut out of my body." - this isn't a competition.
"my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies." - wow, an entire family who wants to tank an adoption celebration.
Just wow.
Is cruelty your point?
Sounds like it. I'm guessing it is because Toni doesn't have any blood relation to them so he's not really family. Her & her husband & his family all sound awful.
I just reread OPs post and I think you're right. Most of us would just be glad to hear that a 3 year old is finally getting the chance of the life they deserve to have.
I'm an adoptive mother and that comment made me feel rage. No, I didn't have the physical strain of pregnancy and birth, but I still went through the sleep deprivation and adjustment of being a new mom.
I’ve had a baby cut out of me…which is nothing compared to what this child has gone through! Like imagine a grown adult being ‘hurt’ that they accept this child and are celebrating him…and god forbid are getting some time off work to help the wee boy adjust! it just got worse and worse.
I did "push out" my daughter, and I still felt a visceral rage when I read that comment. How can someone be upset that a little kid is joining the family? Would she be put out by a party if Toni was still an infant?
My daughter didn't get to meet her paternal grandparents and aunts and uncles in person until she was 4 years old, due to barriers like COVID, and the Pacific Ocean, and they still threw her a welcome to the family party.
It's exciting to gain a family member, OP should be thrilled for this little guy, not jealous.
I'm *childfree* and fucking furious on behalf of that kid and their new parents. OP is behaving ghoulishly towards a kid that has had their entire life upended at a crucial time in their development.
Not to mention the whole adoption process can be so long and stressful. And the adaptation period! And if thr kid is older and (usually) has their own issues.
I really admire adoptive parents! It takes a special person to do it.
I'd hazard a guess that OP's sister and BIL have better jobs and home life in general and OP is jealous.
She said she has three kids, the brother who called her a b has two. She also said her mom has 5 grandkids already, so OP's sis has no biological kids. Still gets more parental leave, and she didn't even had "put the work in" and "push a child out", and - oh gosh! - she even gets all this attention now.
At least OP find her people, just as bitter any petty as she is, ready to blame a toddler for all the evil in the world.
I foster my niece. Work was in flux when I got custody, so I used my vacation time for the transition. Well, I have a different job now and will be eligible for leave when adoption occurs (hopefully!) next year, and I'm fuckin taking it.
>"the get more parents leave than I did for my own children that was either pushed or cut out of my body."
Even if this was something worth being concerned about, that seems like an issue to take up with your government or employer about the kind of maternal leave offered, not something to take out on the adoptive parents adopting a child.
It does seem like a weird thing if it's true though, like why would adopting a child entitle you to more parental leave? It doesn't seem like it's entirely correct lol. Like, the extended parental leave is something being offered by the adoptive parent's employers rather than the normal offering.
It's likely that the parents of the adopted kid just simply work for a better employer than the OP. This is entirely up to the employer in America and I am making the possibly incorrect assumption this woman is American just because of her harping on parent leave.
YTA
Your take on this situation is petty and mean spirited. The party is a nice idea and it doesn’t take anything away from you, so why be negative about it? The more reasons to celebrate in life, the better in my opinion.
> The more reasons to celebrate in life, the better in my opinion.
When my brother was adopting his new-wife's toddler, the judge found out that the extended family was waiting outside. He demanded as many come in as possible because it was a happy occasion in Family Court "for once."
I get teary too thinking of the shit that judge needs to deal with daily and how much [humans can suck](https://www.cnn.com/2023/09/21/us/bronx-day-care-overdose-indictment/index.html).
Thank you for supporting your brother. My SIL (DH's sister), her family, and all of our parents were so supportive of our adoption and love our son no less than the cousins and grandchildren they have by blood. I'm so happy for the love and acceptance they have shown our child.
What's hilarious in our case is that my father gets told all the time how much his (non-bio) grandson looks just like him. If you asked any random stranger to pick out who "married into" the family they'd pick my brother over my SIL. 🤣
Our adopted son happens to blend in very well and it's not obvious that he isn't our bio child. We really didn't care about that (we were open to adopting a child of a different ethnicity and never intended to keep our adoption secret). It just worked out that way.
This is the part that gets me. It's not like they're saying we want to do this instead of giving your kid a birthday party or something. The fact she's jealous of a toddler is just sad.
YTA. Toni has had an *incredibly* hard start in life. If sounds like your sister and her husband may not be set up for kids (or if they have kids, don't have toddler-things). A baby shower can include an adoption shower for kids of any age to allow the family to give them presents *for the benefit of the child.*
This child CLEARLY needs all the benefits he can get!!!!
You have three kids. Your brother has two. Maybe instead of being upset your *third child* didn't get a babys hower - which is again, to set up for necessities - you should be rallying around this custody battle and help your sister!
The idea a toddler "might be confused" about gifts and cake is the lowest, most pitiful thing I've ever read from an adult. HE IS A CHILD. He will not remember this. This is a celebration of Jess & Greg stepping up to become parents. And for your mom and family to welcome a new grandchild, however he got here.
In my family, we only do first baby showers. I'm happy to give a gift to a second or third baby, but by your third baby, I'm going to assume that you already have a diaper genie and enough onesies for a baby without me needing to gift them to you. You will get diapers and a handmade gift from me.
OP, YTA for expecting a baby shower for a third baby and getting mad that a three year-old is getting a party.
I think the only time I've seen multiple baby showers is if there's a really big age gap between kids or if the parents had to go through a lot to conceive. Otherwise, I've had the same experience - by kid two or three, you're getting diapers and wipes unless I have a reason to think you need something else.
I have 5 kids. We had a diaper/wipe shower with number 3 which was AWESOME! I ended up having twins on the next round so we did have a rather large shower cause I needed TWO of everything.
Note, used the oldest crib for 3 kids (was still in it when I had #2) I bought back my cousin’s crib that my mom had got them for #2 and used it with the twins.
I know this has nothing to do with the OP, but my point is that a celebration for family is always called for.
Toni is going to have a brilliant time at his party, far from being confused he will have fun with his new cousins (OP's brother's children) and the rest of his new family, he will love opening presents and get some lovely soft toys to sleep with.
It might turn into a happy early memory.
Unless wicked evil aunty OP turns up of course.
YTA. I'm not sure how you wrote all that down without it clicking with you how wrong you are. I'm very sure this poor little boy hasn't replaced you or your children in your mother's affections, she's just trying to welcome the little soul into the family and make him feel like everyone is happy he's here.
I really do feel that it's time to apologise to everyone, try to overcome your resentment of this little child and have some compassion for the very unhappy start he has had. Maybe even start to think about what you could do to ease his transition and contribute to a joyful occasion?
>I'm not sure how you wrote all that down without it clicking with you how wrong you are.
This is essentially 80% of the subreddit. People who are absolutely innocent beyond a reasonable doubt, and people who are obviously evil.
(\*sighs deeply\*)
In the last paragraph, you whine that "I'm not invited, nor is my DH or my kids." You were so toxic about what should be a lovely, generous, open-armed family event that you've poisoned your own family against you. And to top it off, your "DH" (does the D stand for dick?) and family want to escalate this by throwing a competing party to celebrate the entry of \*\*an abandoned toddler\*\* into your family?
YTA. SO MUCH.
Why does OP even want to go? Why are they hurt by being uninvited to a party they've done nothing but try to stop?
Just don't go, OP, and shut up about it. You don't want a party? Fine. You don't get to go to the party.
> my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies.
that’s some cold shit directed at a traumatized 3 year old. yikes.
YTA big time and so are your in-laws.
"Come to my party, instead of a baby's party, because I don't want the baby to have a party" Oh yes, I would LOVE to go to that party. A bunch of assholes there, guaranteed.
YTA.
This is some really mean stuff. You - and your husband's family - are targeting a toddler \*and your own family\* with your pettiness.
How can you not see how wrong that is?
I’m guessing nobody threw you a baby shower for your first baby, because that’s the only reason I can think of for you to be so jealous about this.
God only knows what that poor baby has been through in his short little life, this is probably the most stable and secure family life he’s ever had. I think it’s wonderful your mom wants to welcome him to the family and also have a shower for your sister so she can get some essentials for her new son.
Edit because I forgot to include the fact that YTA
They probably DID throw a baby shower for the first. But not the two following babies. So how dare a toddler get a party? When her freshly cut-out babies didn't?
YTA
This kid has been through hell, and is probably a very traumatised and disturbed toddler - which is the case for many adoptions, which is why more parental leave is given to help the child adjust.
I'm afraid you are just coming across as very jealous and bitter. Get over yourself.
So there is a new child coming into the family, and some of the adults involved would like to have a party to celebrate.
You, however, don't have a job that gives you as much parental leave as Jess and Greg get. (Why is this relevant, even?) This is not their fault, or the child's fault.
If Toni's father is not in the picture and his mother is a drug addict who abandoned him, I am not clear why you are saying that 'Toni has had a family this whole time'. Because... his parents left him?
Why are you so outright nasty towards a small boy whose life is just beginning to be repaired, and your sister and BIL who are just now taking him custody of him? How can you look at yourself in the mirror and think, *I am In The Right*? Try to remember that your own children have two parents to care for them, and until very recently, Toni has had none.
I'm sorry to see that your husband and his family are encouraging your worst impulses. If you do something as spiteful as holding a competing party, I hope nobody turns up to it.
YTA
> Try to remember that your own children have two parents to care for them, and until very recently, Toni has had none.
In fairness, it doesn't sound like the original posters' kids have two *awesome* parents taking care of them. It sounds like they have two petty, jealous, infantile idiots.
YTA. What toddler doesn't like a party. You are butting in where you don't belong. Who cares if they call it a shower, an adoption party, or whatever else they want to. They are celebrating a new member to their family, and you don't have to participate- but you are being an asshole when it would be way nicer to congratulate them all.
YTA. Stop being jealous that your sister is successful and kind hearted. No one will like you for it and you're being petty.
Maybe calling it a baby shower is silly, and it should be called an adoption party or welcome party. But that's thier call.
The point of the shower is to "shower" the new parents with the gifts they will need to raise the kid, so I think it the title still fits perfectly. The kid is just already here to enjoy it too! OP is so mean - she could at least look at this as an opportunity of off-load clothes and toys her kids aren't using anymore but nooooo she can't even be petty in a productive way.
I wouldn't call it a "baby shower" but aside from terminology, a celebration because a new child joined the family is a very nice thing to do
YTA
>Jess and Greg have good jobs that paid for the adoption process and the get more parents leave than I did for my own children that was either pushed or cut out of my body.
Hotchee motchee, that is one of the most spectacular displays of jealousy and mommy-gatekeeping that I have ever witnessed
>thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies.
Just cut contract with your bio family and you and the in-laws can enjoy your petty party. Everyone will be happier
> I still think everything is blown out of proportion and my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies.
You are absolute trash for this. YTA
YTA. Consider it more of a welcome party than a baby shower. It gives everyone in the family a chance to celebrate him. He’s probably a little traumatized and this might be fun and exciting for him. He is probably coming with very few possessions. Let your family celebrate and give him gifts. Don’t be petty.
YTA. Having hard circumstances should not harden you towards other people and when you have a chance to be kind instead of petty, you should take it.
I'm sorry they got more parental leave than you but what does that have to do with anything? Should they have taken less because you had to? Also, do you know why you had less parental leave? Because the world we live in is set up and run by cruel, petty, selfish people who hoard wealth and resources and make the rest of us peons do all the work. So don't be like them.
Be happy that this poor child is getting the help and stability and *safety* that she needs. Be happy that you're in a family that would welcome this child with open arms.
**INFO: What happened in between your mom suggesting a "baby" shower for a toddler and your brother calling you to tell you not to come.**
Because it wasn't just a "mom, you should just do it yourself, I can't".
TBH, the concept is a bit weird (why call it a "baby" shower, why not just throw a get together to celebrate the adoption being finalized?) but you also come off as very... jealous, I guess, of the attention this child is getting. You're comparing him to five other grandkids (three that you pushed out of your own body) and it's coming off as very "other-ing" of this three year old.
YTA
If you feel neglected by the people in your family, then you speak with them. You don't boycott a party for a social orphan.
I always find it interesting how jealous people end up ruining their own lives. You want more attention from your mother and help with your own children? This is not going to get that. If anything, you are going to make people "pick sides" and it's gonna be the toddler not the adult throwing a tantrum.
If you want a party for your children... throw one. If you need help with your kids, ask. But you are going against your own self-interest by being an asshole about Toni.
Wow. Methinks someone is jealous of a 3 year old.
So what if you didn't get as much maternity leave or your kids didn't have a party. You know what Toni didn't have? A good home life for the first three years of his life.
It's a lovely idea to throw a party to welcome Toni into the family. It won't just be for him, it'll be for the whole family.
Except you of course, because you don't appear to be very welcoming.
YTA
EDIT: Just read the bit where you give the reason why you might be an AH. Do you not understand how nieces and nephews work? Toni was part of your family as soon as he was born. He's your sister's nephew. I really don't understand why you appear to be so intent on ostracising the child.
YTA
You are right, it's not a baby shower when we are talking about a 3 year old child removed from a drug addicted parent. It's a sad situation all around and Toni will be affected by this. But to call it a baby shower is silly. So they are a little bit of an ahole for that.
But you sound jealous and unwelcoming to Toni, making you the ahole. I think the idea of a welcoming party is really nice where Toni gets to meet all his aunts/uncles, cousins, and his (adoptive) grandparents. It will be a nice way to start his life with Jess and Greg on a positive note in contrast to his undoubtedly traumatic life with his mum and his traumatic removal from his bio mom.
My take on that is the Baby Shower is also for the *parents* who didn’t get one because they didn’t birth him. I am not a grandma yet, but one day, I can see myself trying to give my boys and their significant others both a baby shower no matter how their children come into the family or when (if they have them).
YTA - it seems like you're just mad someone else is getting a party and that it's not about you. Your family is doing a good thing for a child that has been through a terrible time and letting that child know they are loved. Why are you trying to ruin it?
A baby-shower-ish party for a new adoptee is very much appropriate, even if they're no longer a baby. Toddlers require a lot of stuff, and the new parents probably need a little help getting all of it on such a short timeline. Calling it a welcome party or whatever would probably mean most people bringing toys for the kid; calling it a baby shower means they'll get a stroller, car seat, clothes, etc.
Your reaction to the idea is simply bizarre. Why are you so upset that this kid is being welcomed by your family? And do you really expect any decent human beings to show up to your ultra-petty, competing, "loyalty test" party? YTA, and a very damaged person. Please seek therapy.
YTA.
Your whole post is all about you and how unfair it is to you and how they have more than you. It's selfish and you can be better than that. You took what could have been a very positive and sweet experience and soured it for no good reason.
YTA. You clearly don't look at this child as being part of the family, which he is, and you're coming across as jealous of the attention he's getting, and both of those make you the AH.
It doesn't matter what they call it, having a party to welcome him into the family and give his parents some of the things they need for a 3yo is a lovely idea.
Why on earth would you have a party at the same time? It's not a competition.
YTA infinity. Who in their decent heart chooses to deny an abused toddler a fun day? A jealous addled witch, that’s who. Go ahead, host your own party, no one of value will show up. Enjoy your self created misery.
Wow. Just wow. Your mom is trying to do something nice and show Toni that they are a part of this family by welcoming them with a party where everyone else can show their love and support. You are jealous of your sibling’s job, life and their child’s relationship with your mother. I hope your husband and you decide to throw that party so that you can see what giant assholes you are when NO ONE shows up. YTA. Big time.
YTA. A huge, massive, bitter and jealous one. I wouldn't want you there either. All they want is to welcome this poor little tot to the family, and you have a big problem with that. You even want to throw your own party to sabotage theirs! Ugh. You should be ashamed of yourself.
>Jess and Greg have good jobs that paid for the adoption process and the get more parents leave than I did for my own children that was either pushed or cut out of my body.
Wtf you're actively pissed because their jobs allow a longer leave than yours did?
> I have 3 kids of my own and I’m hurt over my mom just accepting this is how it is.
Accepting how what is? That a child who's been abandoned has been given a loving home? You're actually hurt about that? You need serious help.
>My family acts like I’m in the wrong
That's because you are
>I don’t think Toni will even understands why everyone is getting gifts and cake. It might even confuse him
You don't care about the child so this is just pure bs
>I finally get my brother on the phone who has his two children and he told me I shouldn’t even come to the party if I’m going to be a b…c and now my mom agrees with me.
Your brother showed great restrain, I would of been a lot harder.
>still think everything is blown out of proportion
YOU blew it out of proportion with your selfishness and your jealousy.
and my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower
That's beyond petty and disgusting
to see where everyone loyalty lies.
Loyalty to who? Get some help you horrid woman
YTA so so much YTA
OP, you sound so bent out of shape over a toddler being welcomed into a safe and happy family - the first time this toddler has ever seen safety and comfort in their home. Why is that a bad thing? Why do you want your parents to choose between their grandchildren; is it not possible for them to love all of their grandchildren equally?
Sure, you don’t typically throw a “baby” shower for someone who doesn’t have a newborn (or won’t soon have one), but you also don’t typically throw a wedding for a couple whose been married for 20 years, or a house warming for someone who already owned a house. But sometimes, you do. Sometimes people want to get married in a new ceremony that they can afford better now that they’re older. Sometimes people want to celebrate a new home even if it isn’t their first! And sometimes, people want to throw a baby shower for someone who didn’t have the opportunity to have one. Whether that be because of the pandemic, timelines or, in this case, a sudden addition to the family a little later than “usual”. All your family is trying to do is show this child they are loved and celebrated.
As a teacher, I see so many kids who come from homes like this child did. I see so many in foster, in and out of homes that don’t love them the way they deserve. I hope someday all of them find homes as loving as Jess, Greg and all your family who is telling you that YTA. And I hope they never have to deal with a family member ostracizing them based on who they were birthed by like you are. Your ability to push a child out of your birth canal makes you no more of a parent than Jess or Greg.
If you’re upset about the time off, take that up with your job or legislation. You can be upset you weren’t offered the same opportunity, but don’t be upset at Jess and Greg, be upset at the actual issue as to why you didn’t. Like an exploitative workplace or a government that doesn’t care enough to give new families time to heal and adjust.
Go ahead and throw your counter protest party, and see where “loyalty lies”, but I think you’ll be disappointed in the turnout. If this is the hill you intend to die on, I think your death will be swift and unforgiving. Don’t be surprised when Jess and Greg decide to go low or no contact with you, and refuse to have you around their children. Don’t be shocked if that means you don’t receive invites to other family gatherings, because you already know where your mother stands.
Op, if you’ve made it this far and still haven’t realized, I will give it to you straight. YTA, majorly.
>she’s all into Toni and feels sorry for him.
You mean the 3 year old who had to be removed from his home because his biological mother is a drug addict and his biological father isn't around. The bigger question is how do you NOT feel sorry for Toni. I've never met Toni and I feel sorry for him. You're being so extremely bitter for no reason whatsoever. Very clear YTA.
YTA - and very jealous. You’re jealous of their money. You’re jealous they are getting attention from your mother.
But have you even once thought about how this child’s life has been? How hard it’s been? No. You’re head is so far up in the clouds (feel free to replaced “ i the clouds” with “your ***) that you don’t even see the child.
Finally, throw a party the day of? You’re insufferable. Thank goodness you’re not invited.
N-t-a for saying you don't throw a baby shower for a toddler. But YTA for everything else. Your family wants to welcome a newly adopted child into the family and you act like they don't belong. Shame on you.
YTA - This is one of the most pathetic, jealous asshole posts I've seen here in a while.
> I have 3 kids of my own and I’m hurt over my mom just accepting this is how it is
So you're hurt that you're mom is accepting of her adopted grandchild that is a 3 year old that has no fucking parent's to speak of?? WTF do you have to be hurt about? She's not saying fuck your kid's cause she has an adopted grandchild now. She merely is trying to welcome him in to the family.
>My family acts like I’m in the wrong that Toni has had a family this whole time
That's because 1) you are absolutely 100% in the wrong and a petty ass asshole (really please note that I want to call you what your brother did with ever fiber in my being but I'll get banned if I do) to boot. and (2) Toni didn't have a family. His dad is was never in the picture, and clearly his mother was to addicted to drugs to actually care for him.
>I don’t understand how this is a thing with my mom when has has five other grandchildren and she’s all into Toni and feels sorry for him
So because she's already got 5, she's not allowed to love any other grandchildren that come into her life? I guess she's only allowed to love yours huh. God forbid she accept a child who has been shown very little love thus far in his life, and wants him to feel accepted as one of the family. How TF did you write this and not see that you are a huge asshole?
>I finally get my brother on the phone who has his two children and he told me I shouldn’t even come to the party if I’m going to be a b…c and now my mom agrees with me.
Even your brother called you out for being a petty, jealous asshole and you still think you are in the right? And then have the nerve to be like \*shocked pikachu face\* no one wants me at this party, oh woe is me. Asshole you're the one that has complained from the start how there doesn't need to be one and how this poor child isn't deserving of being in your fam or loved by them, so WTF now your crying your aren't invited is beyond me. Isn't that what you would prefer you been bitching about the whole dame time so now you got your wish.
>I still think everything is blown out of proportion and my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies
Yes it was blown out of proportion BY YOU!! You should have kept your mouth shut and congratulated your sister on the new nibbling. But instead you were an asshole about the whole thing. If what you say is true about your in-laws they are as big of an asshole as you are. And if you go through with your plan you will find that the only people at your party are your in-laws. HHHMMM go to asshole's party that she's having just because she's petty about a child being accepted in to the family, or go to the party for the little boy who just got adopted and show him that he's more important than drugs and he will be loved and accepted by the family. It's not a hard choice at all to make.
You are getting too caught up in the name of this party being dubbed a "baby shower". And honestly the jealous through your post sticks to high heaven. Get TF over yourself, apologize for being a TOTALL ASS, and learn to be a better person.
INFO: if they had worded it as “welcome home/to the family” instead of “baby shower” then would you have a big problem with it?
Also Jess and Greg took in their nephew, who is probably traumatized, and their jobs offered time to let them adapt to a huge change.
Did your job not offer parental leave?
Seems like the anger is very misplaced.
Did you get a baby shower?
You seem very resentful and jealous over a 3 year old who has been removed from a horrific situation and needs familial love and support.
YTA and jealous over a 3yr old? Seriously? Grow up and act like an adult. Throwing a shower for him is a very sweet thing to do. Your mother seems very kind and loving. You, however, need to your shit together and be accepting of this new child into your family. What normal adult would throw a hissy fit because a 3yr old is deserving of a party?
YTA I'm not sure why this bothers you? It's a party to welcome the child to the family. What does people having more parental leave than you have to do with anything?
>I don’t understand how this is a thing with my mom when has has five other grandchildren and she’s all into Toni and feels sorry for him.
You don't say she ignores her other grandchildren so again what's the problem.
>my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies.
Loyalty to what?!
Lmaoooo, you’re going to spend that money to throw a party and get your feelings hurt.
Throwing a party/shower/whatever when someone has a positive life altering event is normal. Your reaction is not.
Were the circumstances of your marriage and/or pregnancies…controversial within the family? Did they not feel cause to celebrate because of these controversies? Is that why seeing this baby (yes, he’s 3 but that’s a baby) being celebrated sets you off??
YTA, and don’t try to throw a competing party. It’s very high school mean girl, and you are an adult.
My family always threw a baby shower to welcome a new child into the family.
An adoption is a perfect example of a new family member.
Doesn't matter if the child was newborn or anywhere to 18. They deserve to be welcomed into the family!
The stink your throwing, shows you won't be a person I'd want around my child. So I see why you're not invited to the party.
You should seek counseling, if you truly don't understand why YTA
YTA. Seriously?! Why does this party bother you so much? They're trying to do something nice. Do you know what the word 'nice' means? If it helps, I'd say it's basically the opposite of how you're currently behaving.
'my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower'
AHs always manage to find each other, don't they.
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Explain to us how throwing a welcome party to embrace a little boy who was dealt a shit hand in life starting when he was born harms you in any way. Go ahead, we’ll wait. >I don’t understand how this is a thing with my mom when has has five other grandchildren and she’s all into Toni and feels sorry for him. Anyone with a beating heart would feel sorry for him. Were the other 5 grandkids abandoned by their parents? No? Then be quiet about it. >Jess and Greg have good jobs that paid for the adoption process and the get more parents leave than I did for my own children that was either pushed or cut out of my body. Oh, I get it now. You’re so small that you think your kids and you are more deserving because you birthed them. Seriously, GTFOH I don’t think Toni will even understands why everyone is getting gifts and cake. It might even confuse him. Don’t act like you give a shit about this child. Take your fake ass concern and get lost. The kid who is experiencing cake and gifts and love all for him for perhaps the first time in his life will not be confused. He’ll be in heaven. >I finally get my brother on the phone who has his two children and he told me I shouldn’t even come to the party if I’m going to be a b…c That was mild. The man has admirable restraint. >my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies. stay away every last one of you. Sincerely. YTA
And, this? "my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies." - sounds like she married into the right family for her. The pettiness and passive aggressiveness is clearly shared.
See my edits. I posted before finishing reading. This OP may be one of the must gutter quality people I’ve seen on this sub
On the other hand, let us know when and where and a good chunk of this subreddit will show up with extra cake and those who can't fly in will send bonus presents!
3 year olds are so easy to buy for, too! Just grab pretty much anything with a Fisher Price or Melissa and Doug label (check the age on the packaging first) and you’re set.
You can just get them a huge empty box and they will psyched with that. Kids that age are awesome.
Throw some crayons in for a bonus!
Exactly! My daughter turned 3 a few weeks after her brother was born. We had some baby furniture that finally showed up the week after he was born and it showed up in a huge box. We cut some holes in it to make windows and a door. She played in that thing for weeks! We had a hard time getting rid of it because she would freak out about her “house” if we ever tried to toss it out.
Some of the diaper boxes are made so that once you empty them and break them down it’s a huge coloring sheet
I got a box that I LOVED at the start of summer vacation when I was about nine and I listed out on my calendar what I was going to do with it every day. It was awesome
My parents never let us keep cardboard boxes as long as I wanted. As an adult, I could see how hard it would be in such a small house but.... I still secretly hold resentment.
I still remember the summer my parents got a new appliance in a massive box and my brother & I made a house. Mum even brought us lunch in there!
My favorite book for a long time when I was little, was Christina Katerina and the Box. I highly recommend it.
Seriously, someone in the family should hit up an HVAC company or an appliance store for the biggest cardboard box they have. Show up with that, paint, crayons and multi color duct tape. OP is TA on a cellular level to not comprehend that this is a welcome to our family baby shower, not a newborn baby shower. Her husband's family also has zero comprehension. Will this child remember this party? Hard to say. What they will remember is the love, joy and caring that it represents. The actual same thing that babies and their parents are "gifted" at a traditional baby shower. What would be more natural and right?
I just think about years down the road on his birthday/gotcha day looking at pictures from this party and how much love this kid will feel long term. She’s a heartless B for trying to play the he won’t even remember card. Especially as a mother herself. She even starts to go on about how she got more paternity leave then her. She just sounds resentful and hateful. This is an update I want to read does OP see the error in her mind set or get ostracized from the family. I’m truly fuming for them over your behavior. I also want to point out showers and gotcha parties aren’t just about gift Jess and Greg are new parents and these parties are also to get advice and encouragement and things they might not have thought of as first time parents.
I wonder how she turned out to be such a crappy human when the rest of her family seems so lovely
He will always have the pictures of the party and the happy faces of the people welcoming him to the family. My 93 year old mother just passed and i found pictures of us and my aunt and grandmother at the beach when I was 3 that I had never seen before. I treasure them.
I’m betting that he’s going to remember this one as a day of fun and love even if he doesn’t remember details exactly.
Oh yes, Conscious Get him an appliance box! When we purchased our new stove, we turned the box into a house. It had a door, and a window, cut out like a capital I. The grandchildren LOVED it. With markers, stickers, and coloring book pages, to hang as pictures, they played in that thing for several weeks! The kids dragged in blankets, pillows and lots of books. This little guy is getting a stable home. His new toys, books and clothing will truly belong to him. And OP wants to throw Her Own pitty party, to test people's "loyalty," Smh.
I'm in. Let me know when and where.
Shit I'm broke but I'd suck it up and send the kid some nice new things.
Honestly kids around that age a bunch of (clean) found stuff like fabrics and other crafting supplies often go over well. Stuff they can be creative with and won’t ruin if they get paint or glue or whatever on things or tear things up. Just nothing small they might try to swallow or stick up a nostril. You could throw together something just by hitting up the dollar store for some crayons and paint and paper and a thrift shop or your own older clothing (for the fabric/mess making smock stuff.)
My kids go nuts for boxes and bubble wrap and paper towel rolls. And sticks lol.
Again, she married into the right family for her!
Yeah...hopefully OP has her spite party, realizes that none of her birth family agrees with her, and the trash takes itself out of the rest of their lives.
OMG! She's competing with a toddler whose situation was so bad he was taken from his parents. What does this party take away from her? Her sense of superiority? What a ghoul.
>What does this party take away from her? Her sense of superiority? This is gold! I love it!
Oh you know the kid might get to be center of attention. Can’t have that.
Attention…OP clearly wants attention. Everything was a comparison to her and her struggles as a parent. The “what about meeee” attitude is ridiculous. Definitely some narcissistic behavior. YTA
A 3 year old just got adopted because he has no father and his mother abandoned him due to drug use. Sister has decided to adopt the child and the grandma is trying to make her have her little moment of "welcoming the child", and OP is freaking out over it... The "see where loyalty lies" was really something. What an a.h.
this is a shower where I would actually shop off the registry. No, I lie, I would say I should and then end up looking up the registry, getting overwhelmed, and get a gift card to that store for them.
Sort lowest to highest, pick the 4th thing.
I wonder if OPs issue is that the party is called a”baby shower.” I can’t imagine her being chipped that her mom would want to have a party for this little boy.
Baby shower is not what I would call it as well, but the rest of the post makes it pretty clear that the problem is that this little boy who is joining the family and her sister are being celebrated and she doesn't think they should be. I get the feeling she's really jealous of her sister (they have good jobs, they get more leave, etc). Maybe having children was the one thing she thought she had over her sister and she feels like the sister is getting it easy just adopting a ready-made toddler and that "it shouldn't count'. But her mum making a big deal about it is validating that he does really count.
Honestly I wonder if her family just never threw her a shower for her own kids? That's honestly the only way this jealousy makes sense but even then express that to your mom and sister instead of being passive aggressive.
If that is the case, I get her being upset, however I still think her behaviour is horrible. That is something you talk through with your family, not blame an innocent kid over it. Maybe I'm being cynical, but her post comes off as she is just pissed off that her mom is excited over a kid that isn't an "actual" grandkid.
Her explanation for why she may be an AH says: > I get that Toni situation sucks and all but just because my sister adopted him doesn't really make him part of the family. Greg sister is still alive and could pop in anytime and say she wants her baby back. It doesn’t seem that she understands the child IS NOW family through adoption and that that mother can’t just “*pop in anytime*”. She is definitely the AH. And I hope this family keeps her away from all events in the future.
Oohf I was already simmering through the post, and that last little statement made me boil over into Big Mad. Does OP have even a sniff of the slightest idea how horrifyingly bad that little boy's circumstances had to have been for his birth mother's parental rights to have been completely terminated?? Almost every department devoted to child/family welfare the world over has reunification as a primary goal, and it takes truly egregious and heinous behaviour for that door to be closed. If his new grandmother wants to throw that little boy a party to welcome him and introduce him to the people who are going to love him fiercely and unreservedly for the rest of his life, I couldn't care less what she calls it, just direct me to the wish list! (Without even beginning on the bullshit attitude that you have to have been the person to carry and birth a child or it somehow doesn't count. What utter mince.) OP YTA
YES THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE!!! This kid has have been to hell & back several times for parental rights to be terminated and OP still wants to make it all about her. So disgusting 🤢
If her family had never thrown her a shower, I guarantee you she would have stated it. She is just petty AF.
I'm betting it's because she's white and Toni is not white.
I'm also having trouble figuring out what her husbands family has to do with any of this. I didn't catch it was them when I read it.
Probably she just wants someone to side with her so she complained to all of them?
And most likely with a completely distortioned version of what actually happened.
A group who like hanging out to be judgey and mean to children?
Dunno, if I was the in-laws I might push her to do this just so that I TOO would be able to stand her up and go to Toni's party.
LOL, love that.
I feel like his side has probably gotten a heavily edited version of the circumstances. And if, by some miracle, OP was totally honest and they still agreed? Well, OP landed in the right family, I guess.
The pettiness and spite is so off the charts I can't even believe it.
Where everyone’s loyalty lies? What cray cray is this? Loyalty should lie with welcoming a new young member of the family. Not loyalty to crap opinions.
"See where their loyalty lies" is a really bizarre comment. Does she really think this is a situation where people are choosing between a 3 year old and a grown woman? Posts like this make me wonder if they're real, but if it is fake the author should write a novel because they've captured the bitter and twisted protagonist perfectly.
Unfortunately people like this exist...far too often. The vitriol spewed over an innocent child who has not had a very nice welcome into this world. People are so small these days.
It makes me think of the witch children in Angola. People will decide a baby/toddler/child is a witch and push them out of the "in group". They starve these children, beat them, hurt them, all because they are "witches", which don't exist, so it's for nothing. People will justify hating anything. Anybody. It is so backwards that some people can look at an innocent baby or child and HATE them, like OP does for Toni. The baby hasn't even done anything to her!
Does she think any proper adult would ever neglect a child in favor of a grown woman?
Hopping on to this comment to add that the purpose of a shower is to help the family by gifting supplies they need for the new addition. A 3 year old needs a hell of a lot of stuff. YTA
Kid needs three years worth of birthdays all at once. Choosing between celebrating a young kid being adopted or going to an adult pitty party. Hmmmm i choose cake, presents and happy tears. Don't have time for a pitty party.
And Christmas!! If anyone knows where this party is taking place I want to send a gift
OP mentioned they have “great jobs” so she also thinks they should be able to financially manage the burden of adoption plus purchasing everything for a 3 yr old to feel at home and be adequately stimulated.
They need to forward me the memo where only poor people get showers now.
I’m assuming it’s the same one that says only poor people deserve to feel loved.
Right. Calling it a baby shower is maybe a bit weird, but otherwise having a “welcome to the family!” party is **perfectly** appropriate.
Call it a gotcha party, end of discussion Edit: yup, I only know one person who adopted and they refer to it as their gotcha day, but forever day is so much nicer
I like the idea of calling it a "welcome party".
In adoption circles, they call the day the new kid comes home "Gotcha Day"
When we adopted our son from foster care we called it “Forever Day” as we feel “gotcha day” makes him sound like a prize. But to each their own. The love is the important part.
I'm aware. I just think having a "Welcome Party" sounds nicer.
Calling it a baby shower lives on the scale of "bad things to do" at about the same level of bad as saying "you too" to the waiter when they tell you to enjoy your meal. I'm marking it "awk" for awkward.
MY thought exactly, she seems hung up on the label on the party, just look at is as welcome to the family party.
She doesn't want there to be a party at all. You know, because the kid won't even understand why there's cake and gifts. So you see, OP is just thinking about what's best for the child, it's for his own good! /s
My favorite movie is Inception.
Where is the party? I'm sending Toni a present.
Me too. Where's the party? Any relative of the husband's who goes to the spite party is FOS too.
Think of the CONFUSION that might cause! I too am confused by gift and cake. (I’m being sarcastic if that’s not apparent)
This. Op is a petty person who is jealous of the attention a 3-year-old boy is getting and is definitely deserving of YTA. I really hope this is just rage bait. That poor boy! I mean, I maybe would call it a 'welcome to the family party' over a 'baby shower', but that's just a name. The intent is wholesome. As an adopted person, I can definitely appreciate that the family is welcoming.
OP is not just jealous about the 3 year old joining the family imo shes jealous about everything. About their workplaces covering costs of the adoption, the amount of parental leave they are getting, about her mother wanting to throw a party for a non- biological child. You'd think OP would be happy for her sister. Stay home OP. YTA
The fake concern over the child being confused is so dumb. Even if you have a party for a kid before they remember, they certainly feel joy in that moment. And if pictures are taken and later shown, they will feel cared for and loved later in life too. I guess we should lock up every kid until they are old enough to be deserving of new experiences.
It only works if she doesn’t give her kids parties at all until at least 5/6 as memories aren’t really formed until then. Op YTA
Right? I bet OP had a birthday party for each of her children starting at age 1. By her logic, that was pointless /s
This. A thousand times. This. That poor little boy has been dealt a shitty start in life. Abused. Abandoned. Lost. Unloved. Neglected. He finally gets a good home. A Mummy and Daddy who love him. Hold him when he wakes up at night screaming from nightmares about what ever hell his junkie bio Mum put him through. And OP begrudges him a little cake, and an afternoon to shine? And a few toys? She sounds like a jealous 6 yr old. Toni's new parents were right to dis-invite her. I hate to think how it is going to be at Christmas. Heaven forbid Toni get the same level of gifts as the rest if the so called REAL kids.
Idk, even my 6-year-old would understand that this child has had it tough and should have a ‘turn’ at getting gifts and cake.
Go off! This lady is trying to fulfill her Cersei Lanister fantasies at the expense of an abandoned 3 year old. It's sick honestly.
She should not have children. She and her husband are unfit parents.
Omg!! I was just thinking this. Especially with the "see where their loyalties lie" nonsense.
I used to work for CPS - they do NOT just take babies from drug addicts. I don't think people understand HOW BAD the abuse needs to be before they terminate parental rights. Since children of color disproportionately make up the majority of children removed from their parents, I wonder if all the pettiness and viciousness on the part of OP is because this is a mixed race baby.
Yep! Im from Arkansas. This is the voice of a white person scorned by being forced to include a darker skin-toned child into the family. I’ve Heard it more than I care to admit. In fact, I actually had an incident at work in the last 6 months related to a scenario similar to this this i had to investigate.
You missed this point: >OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: I get that Toni situation sucks and all but just because my sister adopted him doesn’t really make him part of the family. Greg sister is still alive and could pop in anytime and say she wants her baby back OP doesn't believe in adoption.
Yeah... that's not how adoption works lol
INFO: how can I send Toni some presents to welcome him into his family?
Don't you get it? Celebrating this child hurts OP! Wait, it totally doesn't! OP is an AH of epic proportions who is insanely jealous of a small child who has had a tough life so far. Wow. She really doesn't want this child to have anything.
I agree, there is something wrong with OP. Having a party for a little boy who is being adopted is a kind welcoming gesture. I think OP is upset the attention is not on her.
This broke me.. how can anyone be so jealous of a 3 year old kid who has been dealt with such a shit life?? YTA
>I don’t think Toni will even understands why everyone is getting gifts and cake. It might even confuse him. With OPs logic any child including her own shouldn't have a birthday party until they are around 5. OP is jealous that Toni is getting attention, everyone in her family sees it. Really a pathetic excuse for a human and parent. #
She is TA but unfortunately not the only one in her family Yeah don't forget to host a party OP at the same time, because the shit@ness must show off Shame on you
>harms you in any way Obviously you don't understand. It's because OP did it the right way and is a "real mom" /s/s//s/s/
Ate her up 💀
YTA. I " I’m hurt over my mom just accepting this is how it is." - I'm sorry you're hurt because a \*toddler\* who has had their entire life upended, is too young to understand why they were taken away from their mother and is being moved into a totally different life is being given positive attention. "the get more parents leave than I did for my own children that was either pushed or cut out of my body." - this isn't a competition. "my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies." - wow, an entire family who wants to tank an adoption celebration. Just wow. Is cruelty your point?
Sounds like it. I'm guessing it is because Toni doesn't have any blood relation to them so he's not really family. Her & her husband & his family all sound awful.
I just reread OPs post and I think you're right. Most of us would just be glad to hear that a 3 year old is finally getting the chance of the life they deserve to have.
The "he wasn't cut or pushed out" idea OP wrote really fits with that thought.
I'm an adoptive mother and that comment made me feel rage. No, I didn't have the physical strain of pregnancy and birth, but I still went through the sleep deprivation and adjustment of being a new mom.
I’ve had a baby cut out of me…which is nothing compared to what this child has gone through! Like imagine a grown adult being ‘hurt’ that they accept this child and are celebrating him…and god forbid are getting some time off work to help the wee boy adjust! it just got worse and worse.
I did "push out" my daughter, and I still felt a visceral rage when I read that comment. How can someone be upset that a little kid is joining the family? Would she be put out by a party if Toni was still an infant? My daughter didn't get to meet her paternal grandparents and aunts and uncles in person until she was 4 years old, due to barriers like COVID, and the Pacific Ocean, and they still threw her a welcome to the family party. It's exciting to gain a family member, OP should be thrilled for this little guy, not jealous.
I pushed out 5 and I'm angry. This kid has been through a lot. He deserves a party.
I'm *childfree* and fucking furious on behalf of that kid and their new parents. OP is behaving ghoulishly towards a kid that has had their entire life upended at a crucial time in their development.
Not to mention the whole adoption process can be so long and stressful. And the adaptation period! And if thr kid is older and (usually) has their own issues. I really admire adoptive parents! It takes a special person to do it.
As if this baby wasn't born at all 😂
I think OP is the one who wasn’t born. Aren’t people like that usually conjured?
From the depths of hell mostly.
I'd hazard a guess that OP's sister and BIL have better jobs and home life in general and OP is jealous. She said she has three kids, the brother who called her a b has two. She also said her mom has 5 grandkids already, so OP's sis has no biological kids. Still gets more parental leave, and she didn't even had "put the work in" and "push a child out", and - oh gosh! - she even gets all this attention now. At least OP find her people, just as bitter any petty as she is, ready to blame a toddler for all the evil in the world.
I foster my niece. Work was in flux when I got custody, so I used my vacation time for the transition. Well, I have a different job now and will be eligible for leave when adoption occurs (hopefully!) next year, and I'm fuckin taking it.
Everything is a competition for people like this. All the way down to seeing who goes to what party. It's sad, really.
it is. It shows how empty their lives are.
>"the get more parents leave than I did for my own children that was either pushed or cut out of my body." Even if this was something worth being concerned about, that seems like an issue to take up with your government or employer about the kind of maternal leave offered, not something to take out on the adoptive parents adopting a child. It does seem like a weird thing if it's true though, like why would adopting a child entitle you to more parental leave? It doesn't seem like it's entirely correct lol. Like, the extended parental leave is something being offered by the adoptive parent's employers rather than the normal offering.
It's likely that the parents of the adopted kid just simply work for a better employer than the OP. This is entirely up to the employer in America and I am making the possibly incorrect assumption this woman is American just because of her harping on parent leave.
YTA Your take on this situation is petty and mean spirited. The party is a nice idea and it doesn’t take anything away from you, so why be negative about it? The more reasons to celebrate in life, the better in my opinion.
> The more reasons to celebrate in life, the better in my opinion. When my brother was adopting his new-wife's toddler, the judge found out that the extended family was waiting outside. He demanded as many come in as possible because it was a happy occasion in Family Court "for once."
Kudos to that judge! Happy moments should be celebrated!
Why am I crying at this? 😭😅
I get teary too thinking of the shit that judge needs to deal with daily and how much [humans can suck](https://www.cnn.com/2023/09/21/us/bronx-day-care-overdose-indictment/index.html).
I know an ex-family court judge, they are a bit messed up in the head. They got out when they realized they couldn't be objective anymore.
I got chills literally down my whole body. Like happy chills.
Cause I am too. 🥹🥹🥹
Thank you for supporting your brother. My SIL (DH's sister), her family, and all of our parents were so supportive of our adoption and love our son no less than the cousins and grandchildren they have by blood. I'm so happy for the love and acceptance they have shown our child.
What's hilarious in our case is that my father gets told all the time how much his (non-bio) grandson looks just like him. If you asked any random stranger to pick out who "married into" the family they'd pick my brother over my SIL. 🤣
Our adopted son happens to blend in very well and it's not obvious that he isn't our bio child. We really didn't care about that (we were open to adopting a child of a different ethnicity and never intended to keep our adoption secret). It just worked out that way.
My understanding is Family Court judges love adoptions. It's really nice to be putting a family together for once, instead of watching one fall apart.
> He demanded as many come in as possible because it was a happy occasion in Family Court "for once." Oh. My heart. Why would you do that to me???
This is the part that gets me. It's not like they're saying we want to do this instead of giving your kid a birthday party or something. The fact she's jealous of a toddler is just sad.
>doesn’t take anything away from you It takes away her feeling of superiority and specialness, though!! So it totally DOES hurt her!
YTA. Toni has had an *incredibly* hard start in life. If sounds like your sister and her husband may not be set up for kids (or if they have kids, don't have toddler-things). A baby shower can include an adoption shower for kids of any age to allow the family to give them presents *for the benefit of the child.* This child CLEARLY needs all the benefits he can get!!!! You have three kids. Your brother has two. Maybe instead of being upset your *third child* didn't get a babys hower - which is again, to set up for necessities - you should be rallying around this custody battle and help your sister! The idea a toddler "might be confused" about gifts and cake is the lowest, most pitiful thing I've ever read from an adult. HE IS A CHILD. He will not remember this. This is a celebration of Jess & Greg stepping up to become parents. And for your mom and family to welcome a new grandchild, however he got here.
In my family, we only do first baby showers. I'm happy to give a gift to a second or third baby, but by your third baby, I'm going to assume that you already have a diaper genie and enough onesies for a baby without me needing to gift them to you. You will get diapers and a handmade gift from me. OP, YTA for expecting a baby shower for a third baby and getting mad that a three year-old is getting a party.
I think the only time I've seen multiple baby showers is if there's a really big age gap between kids or if the parents had to go through a lot to conceive. Otherwise, I've had the same experience - by kid two or three, you're getting diapers and wipes unless I have a reason to think you need something else.
I have 5 kids. We had a diaper/wipe shower with number 3 which was AWESOME! I ended up having twins on the next round so we did have a rather large shower cause I needed TWO of everything. Note, used the oldest crib for 3 kids (was still in it when I had #2) I bought back my cousin’s crib that my mom had got them for #2 and used it with the twins. I know this has nothing to do with the OP, but my point is that a celebration for family is always called for.
Toni is going to have a brilliant time at his party, far from being confused he will have fun with his new cousins (OP's brother's children) and the rest of his new family, he will love opening presents and get some lovely soft toys to sleep with. It might turn into a happy early memory. Unless wicked evil aunty OP turns up of course.
YTA. I'm not sure how you wrote all that down without it clicking with you how wrong you are. I'm very sure this poor little boy hasn't replaced you or your children in your mother's affections, she's just trying to welcome the little soul into the family and make him feel like everyone is happy he's here. I really do feel that it's time to apologise to everyone, try to overcome your resentment of this little child and have some compassion for the very unhappy start he has had. Maybe even start to think about what you could do to ease his transition and contribute to a joyful occasion?
>I'm not sure how you wrote all that down without it clicking with you how wrong you are. This is essentially 80% of the subreddit. People who are absolutely innocent beyond a reasonable doubt, and people who are obviously evil. (\*sighs deeply\*)
Well, you're not wrong there!
Better yet, OP should stay away from this kid. She is so mean spirited and spiteful, she may harm him.
In the last paragraph, you whine that "I'm not invited, nor is my DH or my kids." You were so toxic about what should be a lovely, generous, open-armed family event that you've poisoned your own family against you. And to top it off, your "DH" (does the D stand for dick?) and family want to escalate this by throwing a competing party to celebrate the entry of \*\*an abandoned toddler\*\* into your family? YTA. SO MUCH.
Why does OP even want to go? Why are they hurt by being uninvited to a party they've done nothing but try to stop? Just don't go, OP, and shut up about it. You don't want a party? Fine. You don't get to go to the party.
Probably wants to go so she can stand and make snide remarks the whole time, ruining the day for everyone.
> my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies. that’s some cold shit directed at a traumatized 3 year old. yikes. YTA big time and so are your in-laws.
"Come to my party, instead of a baby's party, because I don't want the baby to have a party" Oh yes, I would LOVE to go to that party. A bunch of assholes there, guaranteed.
There should be a thread called AITN or AITS (am I the narcissist or am I the sociopath) for people like her.
YTA. This is some really mean stuff. You - and your husband's family - are targeting a toddler \*and your own family\* with your pettiness. How can you not see how wrong that is?
I’m guessing nobody threw you a baby shower for your first baby, because that’s the only reason I can think of for you to be so jealous about this. God only knows what that poor baby has been through in his short little life, this is probably the most stable and secure family life he’s ever had. I think it’s wonderful your mom wants to welcome him to the family and also have a shower for your sister so she can get some essentials for her new son. Edit because I forgot to include the fact that YTA
They probably DID throw a baby shower for the first. But not the two following babies. So how dare a toddler get a party? When her freshly cut-out babies didn't?
YTA This kid has been through hell, and is probably a very traumatised and disturbed toddler - which is the case for many adoptions, which is why more parental leave is given to help the child adjust. I'm afraid you are just coming across as very jealous and bitter. Get over yourself.
So there is a new child coming into the family, and some of the adults involved would like to have a party to celebrate. You, however, don't have a job that gives you as much parental leave as Jess and Greg get. (Why is this relevant, even?) This is not their fault, or the child's fault. If Toni's father is not in the picture and his mother is a drug addict who abandoned him, I am not clear why you are saying that 'Toni has had a family this whole time'. Because... his parents left him? Why are you so outright nasty towards a small boy whose life is just beginning to be repaired, and your sister and BIL who are just now taking him custody of him? How can you look at yourself in the mirror and think, *I am In The Right*? Try to remember that your own children have two parents to care for them, and until very recently, Toni has had none. I'm sorry to see that your husband and his family are encouraging your worst impulses. If you do something as spiteful as holding a competing party, I hope nobody turns up to it. YTA
> Try to remember that your own children have two parents to care for them, and until very recently, Toni has had none. In fairness, it doesn't sound like the original posters' kids have two *awesome* parents taking care of them. It sounds like they have two petty, jealous, infantile idiots.
Yes, she is already trying to poison their relationship with their new cousin.
Jess and Greg should also adopt the OPs kids
YTA. What toddler doesn't like a party. You are butting in where you don't belong. Who cares if they call it a shower, an adoption party, or whatever else they want to. They are celebrating a new member to their family, and you don't have to participate- but you are being an asshole when it would be way nicer to congratulate them all.
YTA. Stop being jealous that your sister is successful and kind hearted. No one will like you for it and you're being petty. Maybe calling it a baby shower is silly, and it should be called an adoption party or welcome party. But that's thier call.
The point of the shower is to "shower" the new parents with the gifts they will need to raise the kid, so I think it the title still fits perfectly. The kid is just already here to enjoy it too! OP is so mean - she could at least look at this as an opportunity of off-load clothes and toys her kids aren't using anymore but nooooo she can't even be petty in a productive way.
I wouldn't call it a "baby shower" but aside from terminology, a celebration because a new child joined the family is a very nice thing to do YTA >Jess and Greg have good jobs that paid for the adoption process and the get more parents leave than I did for my own children that was either pushed or cut out of my body. Hotchee motchee, that is one of the most spectacular displays of jealousy and mommy-gatekeeping that I have ever witnessed >thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies. Just cut contract with your bio family and you and the in-laws can enjoy your petty party. Everyone will be happier
> I still think everything is blown out of proportion and my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies. You are absolute trash for this. YTA
YTA. Consider it more of a welcome party than a baby shower. It gives everyone in the family a chance to celebrate him. He’s probably a little traumatized and this might be fun and exciting for him. He is probably coming with very few possessions. Let your family celebrate and give him gifts. Don’t be petty.
Way to be jealous of a traumatized 3 year old who just has his whole life upended. You and your husbands family are awful.
You're throwing a hissy fit over the nomenclature of a fucking party for a kid. Check yourself. YTA
YTA. Having hard circumstances should not harden you towards other people and when you have a chance to be kind instead of petty, you should take it. I'm sorry they got more parental leave than you but what does that have to do with anything? Should they have taken less because you had to? Also, do you know why you had less parental leave? Because the world we live in is set up and run by cruel, petty, selfish people who hoard wealth and resources and make the rest of us peons do all the work. So don't be like them. Be happy that this poor child is getting the help and stability and *safety* that she needs. Be happy that you're in a family that would welcome this child with open arms.
**INFO: What happened in between your mom suggesting a "baby" shower for a toddler and your brother calling you to tell you not to come.** Because it wasn't just a "mom, you should just do it yourself, I can't". TBH, the concept is a bit weird (why call it a "baby" shower, why not just throw a get together to celebrate the adoption being finalized?) but you also come off as very... jealous, I guess, of the attention this child is getting. You're comparing him to five other grandkids (three that you pushed out of your own body) and it's coming off as very "other-ing" of this three year old.
I wonder if OP would have such a negative reaction if they had called it “welcome home baby”
The fact that she's considering throwing a party of her own to pull people away from the party for an abandoned toddler tells you everything.
Of course she would. She is a small, mean spirited and spiteful person.
YTA If you feel neglected by the people in your family, then you speak with them. You don't boycott a party for a social orphan. I always find it interesting how jealous people end up ruining their own lives. You want more attention from your mother and help with your own children? This is not going to get that. If anything, you are going to make people "pick sides" and it's gonna be the toddler not the adult throwing a tantrum. If you want a party for your children... throw one. If you need help with your kids, ask. But you are going against your own self-interest by being an asshole about Toni.
Wow. Methinks someone is jealous of a 3 year old. So what if you didn't get as much maternity leave or your kids didn't have a party. You know what Toni didn't have? A good home life for the first three years of his life. It's a lovely idea to throw a party to welcome Toni into the family. It won't just be for him, it'll be for the whole family. Except you of course, because you don't appear to be very welcoming. YTA EDIT: Just read the bit where you give the reason why you might be an AH. Do you not understand how nieces and nephews work? Toni was part of your family as soon as he was born. He's your sister's nephew. I really don't understand why you appear to be so intent on ostracising the child.
YTA You are right, it's not a baby shower when we are talking about a 3 year old child removed from a drug addicted parent. It's a sad situation all around and Toni will be affected by this. But to call it a baby shower is silly. So they are a little bit of an ahole for that. But you sound jealous and unwelcoming to Toni, making you the ahole. I think the idea of a welcoming party is really nice where Toni gets to meet all his aunts/uncles, cousins, and his (adoptive) grandparents. It will be a nice way to start his life with Jess and Greg on a positive note in contrast to his undoubtedly traumatic life with his mum and his traumatic removal from his bio mom.
How are they “a little bit of an ahole” for calling it a baby shower? Literally who cares? It gets the point across.
My take on that is the Baby Shower is also for the *parents* who didn’t get one because they didn’t birth him. I am not a grandma yet, but one day, I can see myself trying to give my boys and their significant others both a baby shower no matter how their children come into the family or when (if they have them).
YTA and your brother is right don’t go to the party.
>I still think everything is blown out of proportion um, yes it sure is - by you. YTA
YTA - it seems like you're just mad someone else is getting a party and that it's not about you. Your family is doing a good thing for a child that has been through a terrible time and letting that child know they are loved. Why are you trying to ruin it?
A baby-shower-ish party for a new adoptee is very much appropriate, even if they're no longer a baby. Toddlers require a lot of stuff, and the new parents probably need a little help getting all of it on such a short timeline. Calling it a welcome party or whatever would probably mean most people bringing toys for the kid; calling it a baby shower means they'll get a stroller, car seat, clothes, etc. Your reaction to the idea is simply bizarre. Why are you so upset that this kid is being welcomed by your family? And do you really expect any decent human beings to show up to your ultra-petty, competing, "loyalty test" party? YTA, and a very damaged person. Please seek therapy.
YTA. Your whole post is all about you and how unfair it is to you and how they have more than you. It's selfish and you can be better than that. You took what could have been a very positive and sweet experience and soured it for no good reason.
YTA. You clearly don't look at this child as being part of the family, which he is, and you're coming across as jealous of the attention he's getting, and both of those make you the AH. It doesn't matter what they call it, having a party to welcome him into the family and give his parents some of the things they need for a 3yo is a lovely idea. Why on earth would you have a party at the same time? It's not a competition.
First why are you that jealous of a 3 year old. You are completely unhinged please seek help.
YTA infinity. Who in their decent heart chooses to deny an abused toddler a fun day? A jealous addled witch, that’s who. Go ahead, host your own party, no one of value will show up. Enjoy your self created misery.
Wow. Just wow. Your mom is trying to do something nice and show Toni that they are a part of this family by welcoming them with a party where everyone else can show their love and support. You are jealous of your sibling’s job, life and their child’s relationship with your mother. I hope your husband and you decide to throw that party so that you can see what giant assholes you are when NO ONE shows up. YTA. Big time.
YTA. A huge, massive, bitter and jealous one. I wouldn't want you there either. All they want is to welcome this poor little tot to the family, and you have a big problem with that. You even want to throw your own party to sabotage theirs! Ugh. You should be ashamed of yourself.
>Jess and Greg have good jobs that paid for the adoption process and the get more parents leave than I did for my own children that was either pushed or cut out of my body. Wtf you're actively pissed because their jobs allow a longer leave than yours did? > I have 3 kids of my own and I’m hurt over my mom just accepting this is how it is. Accepting how what is? That a child who's been abandoned has been given a loving home? You're actually hurt about that? You need serious help. >My family acts like I’m in the wrong That's because you are >I don’t think Toni will even understands why everyone is getting gifts and cake. It might even confuse him You don't care about the child so this is just pure bs >I finally get my brother on the phone who has his two children and he told me I shouldn’t even come to the party if I’m going to be a b…c and now my mom agrees with me. Your brother showed great restrain, I would of been a lot harder. >still think everything is blown out of proportion YOU blew it out of proportion with your selfishness and your jealousy. and my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower That's beyond petty and disgusting to see where everyone loyalty lies. Loyalty to who? Get some help you horrid woman YTA so so much YTA
OP, you sound so bent out of shape over a toddler being welcomed into a safe and happy family - the first time this toddler has ever seen safety and comfort in their home. Why is that a bad thing? Why do you want your parents to choose between their grandchildren; is it not possible for them to love all of their grandchildren equally? Sure, you don’t typically throw a “baby” shower for someone who doesn’t have a newborn (or won’t soon have one), but you also don’t typically throw a wedding for a couple whose been married for 20 years, or a house warming for someone who already owned a house. But sometimes, you do. Sometimes people want to get married in a new ceremony that they can afford better now that they’re older. Sometimes people want to celebrate a new home even if it isn’t their first! And sometimes, people want to throw a baby shower for someone who didn’t have the opportunity to have one. Whether that be because of the pandemic, timelines or, in this case, a sudden addition to the family a little later than “usual”. All your family is trying to do is show this child they are loved and celebrated. As a teacher, I see so many kids who come from homes like this child did. I see so many in foster, in and out of homes that don’t love them the way they deserve. I hope someday all of them find homes as loving as Jess, Greg and all your family who is telling you that YTA. And I hope they never have to deal with a family member ostracizing them based on who they were birthed by like you are. Your ability to push a child out of your birth canal makes you no more of a parent than Jess or Greg. If you’re upset about the time off, take that up with your job or legislation. You can be upset you weren’t offered the same opportunity, but don’t be upset at Jess and Greg, be upset at the actual issue as to why you didn’t. Like an exploitative workplace or a government that doesn’t care enough to give new families time to heal and adjust. Go ahead and throw your counter protest party, and see where “loyalty lies”, but I think you’ll be disappointed in the turnout. If this is the hill you intend to die on, I think your death will be swift and unforgiving. Don’t be surprised when Jess and Greg decide to go low or no contact with you, and refuse to have you around their children. Don’t be shocked if that means you don’t receive invites to other family gatherings, because you already know where your mother stands. Op, if you’ve made it this far and still haven’t realized, I will give it to you straight. YTA, majorly.
YTA. It’s sad that you can’t find joy in a young kid getting a new start. That should be celebrated. No need to be jealous over a 3 year old.
>she’s all into Toni and feels sorry for him. You mean the 3 year old who had to be removed from his home because his biological mother is a drug addict and his biological father isn't around. The bigger question is how do you NOT feel sorry for Toni. I've never met Toni and I feel sorry for him. You're being so extremely bitter for no reason whatsoever. Very clear YTA.
YTA - and very jealous. You’re jealous of their money. You’re jealous they are getting attention from your mother. But have you even once thought about how this child’s life has been? How hard it’s been? No. You’re head is so far up in the clouds (feel free to replaced “ i the clouds” with “your ***) that you don’t even see the child. Finally, throw a party the day of? You’re insufferable. Thank goodness you’re not invited.
N-t-a for saying you don't throw a baby shower for a toddler. But YTA for everything else. Your family wants to welcome a newly adopted child into the family and you act like they don't belong. Shame on you.
I'm not even sure what her mother is calling it. OP thinks it's a baby shower and is green with jealousy. YTA OP.
YTA - This is one of the most pathetic, jealous asshole posts I've seen here in a while. > I have 3 kids of my own and I’m hurt over my mom just accepting this is how it is So you're hurt that you're mom is accepting of her adopted grandchild that is a 3 year old that has no fucking parent's to speak of?? WTF do you have to be hurt about? She's not saying fuck your kid's cause she has an adopted grandchild now. She merely is trying to welcome him in to the family. >My family acts like I’m in the wrong that Toni has had a family this whole time That's because 1) you are absolutely 100% in the wrong and a petty ass asshole (really please note that I want to call you what your brother did with ever fiber in my being but I'll get banned if I do) to boot. and (2) Toni didn't have a family. His dad is was never in the picture, and clearly his mother was to addicted to drugs to actually care for him. >I don’t understand how this is a thing with my mom when has has five other grandchildren and she’s all into Toni and feels sorry for him So because she's already got 5, she's not allowed to love any other grandchildren that come into her life? I guess she's only allowed to love yours huh. God forbid she accept a child who has been shown very little love thus far in his life, and wants him to feel accepted as one of the family. How TF did you write this and not see that you are a huge asshole? >I finally get my brother on the phone who has his two children and he told me I shouldn’t even come to the party if I’m going to be a b…c and now my mom agrees with me. Even your brother called you out for being a petty, jealous asshole and you still think you are in the right? And then have the nerve to be like \*shocked pikachu face\* no one wants me at this party, oh woe is me. Asshole you're the one that has complained from the start how there doesn't need to be one and how this poor child isn't deserving of being in your fam or loved by them, so WTF now your crying your aren't invited is beyond me. Isn't that what you would prefer you been bitching about the whole dame time so now you got your wish. >I still think everything is blown out of proportion and my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies Yes it was blown out of proportion BY YOU!! You should have kept your mouth shut and congratulated your sister on the new nibbling. But instead you were an asshole about the whole thing. If what you say is true about your in-laws they are as big of an asshole as you are. And if you go through with your plan you will find that the only people at your party are your in-laws. HHHMMM go to asshole's party that she's having just because she's petty about a child being accepted in to the family, or go to the party for the little boy who just got adopted and show him that he's more important than drugs and he will be loved and accepted by the family. It's not a hard choice at all to make. You are getting too caught up in the name of this party being dubbed a "baby shower". And honestly the jealous through your post sticks to high heaven. Get TF over yourself, apologize for being a TOTALL ASS, and learn to be a better person.
INFO: if they had worded it as “welcome home/to the family” instead of “baby shower” then would you have a big problem with it? Also Jess and Greg took in their nephew, who is probably traumatized, and their jobs offered time to let them adapt to a huge change. Did your job not offer parental leave? Seems like the anger is very misplaced. Did you get a baby shower? You seem very resentful and jealous over a 3 year old who has been removed from a horrific situation and needs familial love and support.
YTA and jealous over a 3yr old? Seriously? Grow up and act like an adult. Throwing a shower for him is a very sweet thing to do. Your mother seems very kind and loving. You, however, need to your shit together and be accepting of this new child into your family. What normal adult would throw a hissy fit because a 3yr old is deserving of a party?
YTA I'm not sure why this bothers you? It's a party to welcome the child to the family. What does people having more parental leave than you have to do with anything? >I don’t understand how this is a thing with my mom when has has five other grandchildren and she’s all into Toni and feels sorry for him. You don't say she ignores her other grandchildren so again what's the problem. >my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower to see where everyone loyalty lies. Loyalty to what?!
Lmaoooo, you’re going to spend that money to throw a party and get your feelings hurt. Throwing a party/shower/whatever when someone has a positive life altering event is normal. Your reaction is not. Were the circumstances of your marriage and/or pregnancies…controversial within the family? Did they not feel cause to celebrate because of these controversies? Is that why seeing this baby (yes, he’s 3 but that’s a baby) being celebrated sets you off?? YTA, and don’t try to throw a competing party. It’s very high school mean girl, and you are an adult.
You sound like a fucked up lifetime movie where you are a villain.
You’re correct that it’s not really a baby shower but your jealousy and pettiness about everything make YTA
YTA. I couldn't imagine being so jealous of a 3-year-old who's been abandoned by his own mother.
My family always threw a baby shower to welcome a new child into the family. An adoption is a perfect example of a new family member. Doesn't matter if the child was newborn or anywhere to 18. They deserve to be welcomed into the family! The stink your throwing, shows you won't be a person I'd want around my child. So I see why you're not invited to the party. You should seek counseling, if you truly don't understand why YTA
YTA. Why are you jealous of a toddler?
YTA. Seriously?! Why does this party bother you so much? They're trying to do something nice. Do you know what the word 'nice' means? If it helps, I'd say it's basically the opposite of how you're currently behaving. 'my husband side of the family agrees and thinks we should host our own party the day of the baby shower' AHs always manage to find each other, don't they.
YTA and a vile human being. You should be so ashamed of yourself.