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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Here's where I might be the asshole. I work in a scientific field, and I'm concerned about how this might affect my reputation. My colleagues have started making comments, and I'm worried this could impact my career. I've tried talking to her about keeping this private, or at least considering other explanations, but she accuses me of being unsupportive and closed-minded.
Yesterday, things escalated. She wants to go on a podcast about alien encounters, and I begged her not to. We had a huge fight, and I ended up sleeping in the guest room. She's now not speaking to me, and I feel torn. On one hand, I want to support my wife, but on the other, this is impacting our lives in very real ways.
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NTA - this will definitely affect your reputation and your career, and you are right to be concerned. You might also consider that people don't usually stop when they are halfway down the rabbit hole - her fantasies are bringing her attention she obviously enjoys. Sooner or later, that attention won't be enough and she'll simply manufacture something else.
Barring medical intervention, your happy marriage as you knew it is over. Hopefully you can find a solution that doesn't destroy your own credibility as well.
I think this is such a typical AITA "YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER" war cry.
There is 2 possibilities here OP:
1. Your wife is a liar. She's fantasied about aliens enough that she's willing to go far enough to claim she's been abducted for attention. She's enjoying it and has no will to stop, or listen to how uncomfortable you are with this new behaviour.
2. Your wife has had a mental break. Something in her life or a stressor for her mental health has paved the way for a genuine mental break where she can no longer tell reality from fantasy. She is struggling and she doesn't even know it. She is isolating herself from her support network and she is setting herself up for a hard fall is she isolates everyone before she recognises her issue. In sickness and in health?
You know your wife. Internet strangers do not. It's not for me, or other commenters to tell you your marriage is over. Trust your gut, what do you think is going on here?
Nta. But please think about your approach.
I agree with the war crying too. This is a somewhat serious issue and who knows what could/should happen but it's the man's wife not a bag of mouldy bread. You don't just drop it like it's hot
I have no idea when my fiance or our youngest kid (4yo with night terrors) get in and out of bed if I'm already asleep. It is absolutely possible to sleep through it
Not that I believe in alien abductions, but from the stories I’ve read is that aliens would freeze people in time while they abducted them/or someone near them so there would be no way for them to know.
My question is, regardless if she was abducted or not, if she truly believes she was, why does she feel she needs to tell all her family/friends? If that were me, I’d probably privately join a support group, sure. But I wouldn’t tell everyone I know because I know they’d think I’m crazy. If she doesn’t realize that, then something is off the hinges.
Sure, I'm with you. I just think most people would want to tell someone.
Also if you're questioning your sanity then you could argue you aren't truly believing that the encounter was real. If you absolutely 100% believe it happened you may be more vocal about it.
>Not that I believe in alien abductions, but from the stories I’ve read is that aliens would freeze people in time while they abducted them/or someone near them so there would be no way for them to know.
Ah, so the aliens freeze OP in time so no one finds out...but they leave their actual victim's memory completely intact. Seems legit.
I swear, alien conspiracists are indistinguishable from a five-year-old making up bigger and bigger lies to cover up the fact they swiped a cookie.
A very, very unlikely possibility. But even if we do consider her words to be true, I find it weird that being experimented on by "aliens" for a few hours left her in a decent enough condition to remember everything vividly with no visual signs of harm, side effects or trauma.
Maybe it would make it harder. If the universe is expanding, because now the distance of travel the aliens have to do becomes greater all the time. But hey I’m no Neil deGrasse Tyson so what do I know.
>even for a highly hypothetical scenario such as alien abduction, I don't think this is how it works.
I'm not a field research biologist myself, but I'm reasonably sure that research samples are "grab \[n\] fieldmice from this location" rather than the biologists watching all fieldmice everywhere and cataloguing their relative importance and specialness in each fieldmouse society before choosing only the most special and important ones.
Edit: My partner made an observation that made quite a lot of sense. The most interesting and popular people would be the most likely to be missed if abducted for study, so if there are aliens out there abducting and performing tests on humans, it would make sense for them to pick ones that are the least likely to be missed or believed. Which is honestly a solid enough reason as to why it always seems to be crazy weirdos who get abducted that it's the first argument I've ever heard that has made me consider that there might *actually* be aliens out there abducting and studying humans. Probably not though.
Also, if you're conducting experiments on a population or trying to learn about them, it makes sense to choose the most average instead of statistical outliers.
/interesting hypothetical, not actually endorsing aliens
A very good point. I’ll start believing in the possibility of Alien Abduction when the aliens take a Nobel prize winner and not Glenda the hairdresser in Arkansas.
But that falls under the same issue as the one above--why would they take the trouble to find those people, instead of going for the most average? Who would be the best to sample/experiment on anyway, scientifically speaking.
Even humans don’t single out the most interesting members of a species to study. Who’s to say that even the most fascinating of humans would be even a blip above the dullest of us to an alien?
I mean if you're going to list that as a possibility, it's more likely an unknown twin sister abducted and killed OPs wife and has replaced her. Since they were so long estranged, she's using aliens to cover for her inability to act like OPs wife.
Yes least likely but still possible. But he's still NTA. Considering is field of work, the least she could is keep it to a minimum while still seeking help or support or whatever.
These are both possible, but I actually think there's at least one other explanation that might be more likely:
3. She experienced sleep paralysis and because she was already interested in UFOs, it took the form of an abduction encounter. She's telling the truth from her perspective and for her, it was a real experience. But it wasn't aliens.
Maybe I'm more likely to buy this because I've encountered sleep paralysis. It was freaky as hell and I knew what it was as it was happening. If I hadn't? And I already believed in aliens? Yeah.
Definitely a worthwhile perspective. I've personally never experienced sleep paralysis, I don't know if I would be able to recognise it if I did. I went on sleep tablets once that very strongly affected me, I started talking to people that weren't there, and then swiftly fell asleep. I woke up to no memory of it but my bf was freaked out.
I think this just goes to show how black and white thinking on an issue like this really limits being able to empathise with OPs wife.
We honestly don't know what's going on with her. It could be any combination of issues.
I hate how quick to forgoing empathy some redditors can be. We're all only human after all. We all need a bit of patience from time to time.
That is the most likely. In the past, when people were more obsessed with demons, sleep paralysis was interpreted as demons, or worse, succubi, interfering with them. Religious people still tend to experience it that way. I think I had an episode of sleep paralysis: I was spending the weekend at my sister's house. I woke up, knowing something was very, very wrong, that there was a malign presence. I tried to crawl out of bed, and then across the floor, to warn my sister and BiL, but there was a great weight pressing down on me. I got to the door of the room, and then...I woke up, back in bed. It was really, really freaky. The fact that I don't believe in demons, or aliens, or ghosts, may have been why I just felt a malign "presence," not anything specific.
I have sleep paralysis, sometimes really bad, like several times a week. I'm also a pretty big believer in UFO's, I'm not sure about the abduction thing but I definitely think they've visited this planet before. Anyway when I get sleep paralysis I never think I've been abducted, I never see aliens or anything like that, I just can't move and sometimes it's scary as hell. So idk that's just me but I don't really see how sleep paralysis can go from that to thinking I'm on a spaceship.
Sleep paralysis often includes vivid hallucinations and a range of imagined sensations, like being dragged out of bed. It can be different for everyone and from one episode to another. [Source](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis).
I usually go right from sleep paralysis into vivid dreaming. I can absolutely see that becoming "I was paralyzed and abducted" followed by a vivid dream of said abduction.
Some episodes of sleep paralysis involve imagining that there are figures a) sitting on your chest and b) hovering on the edge of the room. I get sleep paralysis from time to time but have only experienced the visual hallucination once. Some people's visual hallucinations are strong enough that their brain fills in the details (like being strapped immobile to a table and aliens lurking at your side).
I had sleep paralysis once after not getting much sleep and in my dream I mistook the garbage truck going past as some sort of alien invasion, and the fact that I couldn't move was explained by the aliens using some sort of technology on me. I was fully convinced, and terrified, in the dream.
I was fine upon waking, and I do not believe any aliens have visited us (but I do believe it's likely some sort of life at at least a basic level is out there in the universe. But not UFOs visiting earth).
THIS! Especially #2. My ex girlfriend has paranoid schizophrenia, and had bizarre delusions like OP’s wife, whenever she went off her meds and had a relapse. She would seriously believe all sorts of ludicrous conspiracy theories and claimed things happened that are impossible. She ended up dumping me in her last stint (at least when we were still together) in the psych ward. She believed I was working with her mother and,naturally, the government, in a diabolical plan to take away her freedom. It was painful, but now I’m glad I no longer have to deal with that dumpster fire.
From the perspective of someone with Schizoaffective Disorder who has delusions and hallucinations and has been hospitalised multiple times, I appreciate that it was hard on you to deal with all that, but calling her a "dumpster fire" is extremely insensitive. You may have suffered, but she has it much much worse. It's awful to have delusions that throw you into such a panic. Living your life that way is horrible. A bit of empathy goes a long way.
This. I was legitimately thinking upon reading that it sounded like a schizophrenic break or something, sounds like OP's wife needs help whether she wants it or not, OP is focusing on the wrong part with his career and things, her behaviour is far more worrisome.
If 1, she’s willing to ruin her interpersonal relationships and impact OP’s life for attention, at which point she is a toxic person and partner, and the marriage is not worth saving.
If 2, she’s an actual, out of control insane person. Her mental illness is impacting her and OP’s lives and relationships, and her refusal to seek treatment or admit there’s a problem means the situation is only going to get worse. Short of getting her placed on an involuntary psychiatric hold, what can OP do to prevent this from consuming and ruining both their lives? In sickness and in health is cute until she tries to dissect him in his sleep for her alien overlords.
NTA, OP. Get her help whether she wants it or not, or get out of her spiral before you get pulled under.
Problem with option 2 is, in most jurisdictions, unless the person is a threat to harm themselves or others they won’t be subject to an involuntary hold.
Believing something batshit crazy doesn’t qualify and if OPs partner believes it to be true then they won’t agree to a voluntary stay.
You can’t make them get help without that threat of harm or an incapacity.
A third option is that she truly believes this is true. I know I've had extremely vivid dreams and believed they were true / had really happened for a while. Heck, I remember being upset for a couple of hours on how badly I had messed up a song in the school play, only figuring out (after getting to school), that the show was still 3 days away. It seemed SO real to me.
I wouldn't be surprised if your wife truly believes this whole alien thing. The fact that she's getting attention for it just reinforces this belief.
OP, NTA. You are right to be concerned. This will affect your work. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice.
3. Mix of the two. She didn't make it up wholesale, it was an incredibly vivid dream or something. She's not lying, but because of her passion for the idea she's invested in not looking at alternative explanations.
4. Some other medical explanation. Concussion, carbon monoxide, etc.
Honestly sleep paralysis seems very, very, very likely. I used to have sleep paralysis all the time and it feels very real, and very terrifying, because you are in this weird state of awake and not awake. It's like hallucinating, except the sensory details are extremely vivid. One time an old, bone-y woman entered my room and leaned over where I was sleeping. And I could feel and smell her breath.
I could see someone who hasn't experienced sleep paralysis before, or not often, conflating reality and dreaming because it does feel like a very real experience.
I’ve always found claims of alien abductions to be fascinating and have listened to/read about a ton of them despite not believing at all that aliens are the cause. There are definitely people who straight up make these claims up for attention, knowing that it’s a complete fabrication and also those who are just experiencing some kind of mental illness that is causing them to believe that’s what happened, but it seems to me a lot of people fall somewhere between those two poles.
I can’t find the study right now so I won’t vouch for how reliable it is or if what I’m remembering is completely accurate , but there was an analysis of claimed alien abductees that showed those people generally had a greater than average concentration of traits suggesting a rich fantasy life and desire to be special. I think a lot of these stories start when something difficult is going on in these people’s lives, big or small, and then they begin to notice “weird” things.
The human brain is incredibly good at creating stories and piecing together sensory data to support those stories even if nothing in the “real world” can support that interpretation. They might begin assuming weird noises, strange marks on their body or things in the sky they can’t immediately place are all signs something real is happening to them and once enough “evidence” has built up it’s suddenly way easier for fantasies to blend over into reality.
At the root I think a lot of these cases are people under stress who want to have something that makes them feel “special”, even if it’s an experience that often seems to be something horrific. It might also be some kind of defense mechanism that hopes unstoppable aliens messing with you will make the real world problems seem more manageable, I don’t know. The point of this rant is that what seems to cause people to claim alien abductions is complicated and variable, and can often fall between an intentional lie and clinical mental illness. OP’s wife most likely wants it to be true on some level and something caused her to start accepting most likely innocuous things as evidence she’s being abducted.
Whether she’s having or is heading towards a full on mental break isn’t something I can determine, but whatever is happening it’s apparent her connection to the reality typically accepted by other people has come apart in places and it’ll probably be hard if not impossible to help her put it back together. Not that it’s not worth trying, but when the problem is a deep belief like this, generally someone isn’t going to reassess that just because others are telling them to. They have to want it themselves and sometimes that just won’t happen.
She could also just have had a hyper realistic dream or something and really firmly believes it was real. People can convince themselves of all kinds of things without intending to lie
That's a massive, disgusting leap to make about SA. JFC. Someone who goes a little too deep into conspiracy theories and one month ago happens to think they've been abducted and you jump to SA? Calm down.
Also, even when it comes to mental illness, you can't help someone or get them help unless they WANT it.
OP has every right to be worried about his career and reputation within said career while also worrying about her and their marriage. You don't lose your identity when you get married and a CAREER is a significant loss, especially if your reputation can and will prevent you from getting another job.
If someone is mentally ill, choosing not to listen or get help, and is potentially going to genuinely ruin your career, it's absolutely fair to consider throwing in the towel, especially with how public this has become.
and people wonder why the divorce rate is around 50% in the US. You dont just leave someone because it becomes inconvenient. That is not how marriage works.
In the Victorian age you could have simply had your wife locked away in a mental institution without her consent so she wouldnt be a bother. Is that a better solution for you.
I am so very sick of redditors that immediately advocate for the dissolution of a relationship rather than making an argument for remaining together or helping find solutions that don't involve breaking up.
I am bipolar. I didn't know that was what was going on with me until about 8 years ago. Been married 25 years. I would fly into rages for no reason and at other times sit sobbing uncontrollably and I couldn't tell you why. The other 99% of the time I treated my wife like a princess. She didn't leave me .. she got me help. It must have been terribly hard for her all those years but .. we got married. You take the better with the bitter.
Few years ago my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer. Over a year of chemo, radiation, doctors visits and then surgery and 4 months with a colostomy bag. After the colostomy bag was removed I had to "pack" her open wound. It was GROSS .. should I have simply said this is to much work and not what I signed on for and tell her to hit the bricks? Of course not.
No one here really knows this mans situation or what he should do. I can only suggest that jumping out should not be the first solution.
WERE it me .. and she wanted to do a podcast about her alien experience .. I would simply tell her to not forget the neat aluminum foil hat with TV antennae I made for her so she could get a stronger signal and call it a day.
When you are 70 and your having trouble wiping your ass your colleagues wont be there for you but your love, your wife/husband will be
Everybody in his life, everybody he works with, knows that his wife is a crazy person who is claiming alien abduction. That impacts how people view him, treat him, it'll impact his career.
His wife is making her choice to be a public embarrassment. He has to decide whether he wants to be dragged down and a figure of mockery with her.
There are times to hang on and times to let go.
Life is too short to spend it with someone you no longer have an intellectual and trusting connection to. People don't need to be locked into a stressful marriage. That's not the solution to anything.
Every person I know who has gotten divorced found someone they are happier with, that's why the divorce rate is so high, and it's not as much of a problem as you are claiming.
OP, I would tell your wife moving forward you don't want to be connected to her in any way online. And you want her to remove anyone connected to your friends, family, and work associates from her lists. I would tell her you fully believe she's having a mental breakdown and needs help. But if she won't get it, you won't have your reputation ruined. Also, let her know that if she brings it up in front of people with you, you'll mention that you believe it's a mental breakdown. So if she doesn't want to hear your thoughts on it, not to bring it up.
NTA. But since it sound’s like your wife may be struggling with a mental illness, I don’t think your own reputation should be your primary concern in this situation.
If he stops caring about his reputation he loses his career, if he drops his wife he loses his family. Both are equally major aspects of his life. Which is OP more willing to lose is the question that OP has to answer.
Yeah most STEM ppl I know would just be absolutely concerned about the wife’s mental state and hope that OP can help and support her through what appears to be a mental break…
NTA. Unless someone is having some kind of mental heath break these are usually chalked up to sleep paralysis.
Her adamance about this is alarming and if she refuses to stop and get help she’s giving you no choice but to do what’s best for yourself.
I'm a lawyer, so I'm generally well educated and at least mildly intelligent, and I've experienced something during the night that I don't have an explanation for. Internet sleuthing would have be believe it was probably an alien abduction. I'm not really someone who would believe in that, but I truly can't say it wasn't because it was that.... unexplainable of an occurrence. It only happened once, and I don't experience anything like sleep paralysis, delusions, etc. So I mean... who's to say what happened to her...
Although I haven't, and wouldn't, tell anyone about it but my husband. He's got my back though.
All in all, NAH but you're gonna have a hard time working through this one.
This is true. I had sleep paralysis once. It freaked the heck out of me. I had no idea what was happening. I thought I was being attacked by a ghost or something. I didn't find out what it was until I read about sleep paralysis years after.
I've experienced sleep paralysis too. It scared the shit out if me before i knew what it was. It felt like something was standing at the edge of my bed and slowly was pulling the cover off of me.
It happened a lot when i was battling with depression.
Yeah I had something happen- not alone- that I really have no explanation for. I believe aliens could be real cuz the universe is huge, but I’ve never been someone who believed they are capable of or give a shit about visiting or studying earth so never bought UFOs and such.
But I have one event that if I experienced it alone I would probably have gotten a ride to a hospital out of fear something was wrong mentally. Idk if I wanna go full “it was alien abduction” but it weirdly fits how some dumb shows and movies do the topic funny enough lol. Whatever it was, I don’t think it’s something currently explainable.
I agree you might have had a disturbing experience of some type.
But honestly, it seems beyond farfetched that aliens would come into folks' bedrooms, abduct them for a few hours, then return them in time to wake in the a.m.
OP is a scientist, if you have a specimen you are investigating, you don't just keep them for a few hours, call it a day, and let them be free. That's not enough time to run experiments!
Animals live outside and can be captured and released easily. Humans live inside houses that aliens would need to get into, and this particular human sleeps in a bed next to her husband who would have to conveniently sleep through the entry, capture, hours of absence, and subsequent release. Hope that helps.
> this particular human sleeps in a bed next to her husband who would have to conveniently sleep through the entry, capture, hours of absence, and subsequent release. Hope that helps.
So in your mind, beings with such superior technology that are capable of faster than light, intergalactic space travel would be foiled because they'd be unable to figure out how to keep your husband asleep.
(I don't think alien abduction is a thing that happens, but I'm dying that you'll accept that they can fly across the known universe but haven't figure out how to tranquilize people.)
I think the issue is more that not only would you think aliens can fly across the known universe but they also can go through hard surfaces seamlessly and quietly while also somehow always knowing when you're in a state of deep sleep to bag their victim. Cumulatively it's really far fetched and silly.
That's a fair point- I was approaching this from my perspective (I don't believe aliens abduct people, nor do I believe they can travel faster than the speed of light), so I failed to consider that someone who DOES believe aliens abduct people may also have further beliefs about their technology (such as faster than light travel and matter manipulation). These further beliefs may make my point sound meaningless.
I actually think this is a fantastic thing for you to have pointed out. It's the same reason why flat earthers are so hard to convince: in addition to believing the earth is flat, they have tons of other beliefs. If you take them into space and show them the earth is round, their other beliefs (e.g. curved window refracting light causes an illusion of roundness) are used to invalidate your evidence and make your point sound meaningless. Maybe the key is trying to immerse oneself in their entire belief system to fully understand why they adhere to it, rather than refuting individual beliefs with evidence.
I hope this doesn't sound sarcastic over text, but you've genuinely given me something to think about here. Thank you!
Good point- I like to keep up to date with the Santa Monica Mountain Lions and they actually do tranquilize them and do a bunch of tests while they are under. They must feel very strange when they wake up.
any alien species advanced enough to travel to earth and with the desire to study us would hide themselves quite well and would likely only target the homeless or trafficked, and would likely kill them after they were finally done to remove witnesses.
if criminals have figured out that dead people can’t be witnesses i’m almost 100% sure any alien visitors would also have atleast this amount of common sense.
Wild assumptions on what an alien - and therefore completely unknowable - race of beings would be likely to do. Assuming that a group of beings from off-world exists and are visiting the planet to study humans, we have zero ability to know what their capabilities are or what their reasoning/motivations would be.
I get where you’re coming from but say that aliens are real, we likely have no idea how advanced their technology is in comparison for ours. They could have very rapid means of testing and study that are completely different to what we currently know.
> I don't experience anything like sleep paralysis
But if it was sleep paralysis how can you claim that you don't experience sleep paralysis?
> I've experienced something during the night that I don't have an explanation for
Yes, that is what a reasonable person would say when they have an experience they can not explain or investigate. You had some experience and you can't explain it.
> who's to say what happened to her...
Exactly. No one knows what happened to her, yet she pretends she knows and it's of course aliens.
There's a whole lot of Scullys in this thread. This topic calls for an equal balance of Mulders, or else we'll never reach a solid and conclusive answer.
Yeah, I had something unexplainable happen to me, too. I like to share it with people who wouldn't think I'm crazy, but I'm not putting it out there for everyone to read. I would be skeptical too if I didn't happen to me, so...
Not to doubt you, but it's totally possible and even likely to have something weird happen in your brain just once. Our brains and our perceptions of reality are held together by the biological equivalent of duct tape and a prayer. The occasional 'malfunction' is very common
I’m not a lawyer so while i can’t tell you exactly what happened to you, i can tell you for 100% certainty you were not abducted by aliens. (Could have been the spaghetti monster though)
You don't generally have "experience things like sleep paralysis" as a normal part of living. Its something that happens to most people never in their lives and a lot of people only once in their life.
It's happened to me once about 8 years ago and not once before or after. So i wouldn't discount that just because you're not supposedly prone to it.
If this is real..
- Your wife’s beliefs have been there before the relationship, and you knew this
- She now fully believes that she’d been abducted, while you were in bed next to her
- She’s not the first or the last to believe this, and she’s not the first or last to share publicly
- I don’t think her beliefs have been “in good fun” all this time, and I really don’t think it’s been a joke all this time either. These are her true beliefs
- You have full rights to be concerned for your work reputation, especially since you are in the scientific field
- Edit: Took out the part where your colleagues don’t understand mental illness well because a commenter pointed out that believing in ETs is similar to a religion. And there actually are a few or more religions out there that surround extraterrestrials.
- I’m not sure if any explanation, facts, scientific logic will help your wife, cause these beliefs are ingrained just like your science is concrete to you
OP, I don’t see how this can end well? She’s a firm believer of other beings in outer space, and you’re a man of science. It’s like mixing oil and water.
Anyone that "believes" in alien abductions will eventually think they experienced one. Our brains can convince us of all kinds of stuff if we keep thinking about it for long enough. Wife needs some help.
Especially if the abduction stories have too many recurring similar elements to be coincidence. Things like sleep paralysis and experiments are so cliche for abductions, typically aliens with large grey heads. Stargate SG-1 lampshades the tendency to these elements as cliche, in the same episode explaining them as being the actions of a rogue Asgard.
So much this.
Your wife has always felt this way, it’s never been “just for fun" and you simply dismissed it as your wife just being kooky and it not being problematic within your marriage.
So you didn’t take it seriously.
She’s to a point where, for some reason, she feels like she’s been abducted. whether or not it’s schizophrenia, sleep paralysis, a desperate cry for attention, who knows.
At this point the kettle has boiled over and you’re not going to be able to get all the water back in.
Yeah I kinda feel like this is a case where OP should have spotted incompatible values a long time ago. He probably wanted to feel like his wife believing in UFO's and conspiracy theories was not a big deal because of the other things he liked about her. But I think, if one partner has these kinds of beliefs, and the other partner is very scientific and rational, eventually some kind of conflict like this is going to bubble up. If it wasn't this, it would be that she wants to treat the kids with essential oils instead of medicine, or she things vaccines are a hoax or something. You need to have conversations about these kinds of things in a relationship and find out how seriously your partner takes their beliefs.
>She’s a firm believer of other beings in outer space, and you’re a man of science. It’s like mixing oil and water.
I highly recommend reading the chapter on alien abductions in Carl Sagan’s “Demon-Haunted World”. I had a lot of derision for people that believed in alien abductions, but after reading that book I have to say it’s a lot easier for me to get along with people who believe in what I consider to be crazy things.
So, can they mix for OP? I don’t know. I do know it wasn’t an oil and water mixture when it came to Sagan and alien believers though.
It seems like this is not going to get better, especially with her attending local meetings with other UFO enthusiasts, she will be influenced more and more and these new people will validate her truth/ideas/perceived reality more and more. They will hold much more sway with her than you will. It sounds like she may not be able to believe a therapist either since she's just so into it all.
Not sure why your worried about your career or what your colleagues think when your wife is clearly having a mental health issue. I would also say this to people who bring it up to you. It’s not funny at all. It could also be a way to explain some past trauma like SA.
She really needs to speak to a psychiatrist, you need her to get help.
Help is only available to people who want it. She believes that what happened is real, so she's not going to seek mental health support for it.
At some point the OP has to cut loose and protect his own wellbeing.
Maybe OP could have her set up with a therapist who deals with dilutions/hallucinations. Tell her the experience sounds traumatizing (being abducted by aliens has been my biggest fear since I was little), and maybe she should talk to someone to help her with it. I have heard stories of people who were assaulted/kidnapped and the brain filled in the blanks to make it be alien abduction. Or OP’s wife is having a psychological break, and maybe a therapist could help.
My sister believed she heard and spoke to fairies and even said she wouldn't bother with a doctor because they would tell her she was schizophrenic or something. She will never go and never believe a doctor because she already believes she knows exactly what is happening.
Unfortunately short of involuntary hospitalisation you can't treat someone against their will. She's no more likely to see a psychiatrist than a religious person is about their belief in God. Like u/Accomplished_Gain11 downthread. Not to mention she's got an army of like-minded "believers" enabling her, reinforcing her beliefs, and praising her for seeing the Truth.
Assuming this is a real story (highly unlikely) this relationship has likely run its course.
Because people need to work in order to, you know, live. Wife can't get help unless she acknowledges she has a problem and agrees to go, but given that she believes she really was abducted there isn't much OP can do. Also let's not start speculating about things like sexual abuse, there's no reason for it.
NAH. Everyone saying your wife has mental illness maybe but I don’t think so, chill people. At one point I had an alien abduction - hint it was not real but the experience felt very real. I am of sound mind also. But holy fuck I had them in my room and I levitated off the bed and was paralyzed and could not move. I was trying my hardest to scream but couldn’t. Then finally I woke up and my scream came out full volume scaring the shit out of my girlfriend sleeping beside me. This was more then a dream. This was so surreal and I felt like I was awake but was not. What I experienced was sleep paralysis and it happened a couple more times but in subsequent times I was actually aware I was dreaming but again it felt like an alien was there and I was levitating but did not panic. Anyways this has been documented many times and studied and is well know. Lots on it if you search sleep paralysis and aliens. Some people see a demon. So maybe teach your colleagues about it and support your wife but educate her as well. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15881271/
Yes. I experienced sleep paralysis as a kid several times, where I thought I was seeing ghosts. As a young adult, 18-21ish, I frequently experienced waking up to the feeling of hands pressing/pulling on me, grabbing my face/neck, thinking I was seeing strange creatures zooming over me. In fact, in my 30s now, every once and a while I still experience the feeling of "about to fall asleep, closing my eyes" but instead of that "falling" feeling, I hear my name screamed out or I see giant faces/figures zooming at me. It's super weird, but I know it's my brain just doing sleep/wake transition brain things.
I think it could help OP's wife to hear about others with similar experiences.
I'd encourage people to check out the Wikipedia page for [Susan Clancy](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Susan_Clancy). She wrote a book in 2005 called "Abducted: How People Come to Believe They Were Kidnapped By Aliens." The "select bibliography" section in the Wikipedia article has more info on the book's contents and reception.
OP's wife experienced something spiritually transformative and life-changing, and it is not possible to simply "talk her out of it." In the same way that someone who is convinced that God spoke to them directly or answered their specific prayer one time is very unlikely to change their mind.
I think if OP stops trying to stifle or hide their wife's story they may have better luck. She's going to double down if she doesn't feel heard. If OP can support and validate her I think she's more likely to become open to couples' counseling or be receptive to some gentle Socratic questioning (along the lines of "street epistemology"/helping her figure out why she believes what she believes).
NTA. As a tip: you should dress up as an alien while your wife is asleep, then wake her roughly and tell her the alien overlords need her to keep the secret. You can use a walkman blasting loud music to confuse her.
Didn't this happen in a movie once? I don't remember though... was it Back to the Future? There was this guy who saw that some other guy was a fan of some alien/superhero so he dressed up as that alien superhero thing to convince the fan to do something for him.
In Back to the Future if memory serves Marty ends up with the Delorean in a barn in the past, wearing some kind of hazmat suit, and the lights emitted by the car and his attire fit the description of Sci-Fi comic book aliens the kid of the family has.
I don’t remember if he asks something though, I think he just scares them?
Erm...I'm actually gonna say YTA.
'I work in a scientific field, and I'm concerned about how this might affect my reputation'
This is absolutely a concern, but it really bothers me that you haven't expressed any concern for your wife or her wellbeing in your entire post. It's like you're not bothered by her behaviour or what she's saying happened to her until it might affect you. You dismiss her beliefs as 'good fun' and don't seem at all worried by what she is saying happened to her. I don't like that. I'd be bloody worried about her wellbeing in your position.
NTA for being concerned, but you can’t exactly “insist” that she do anything. I mean you could, but aside from possibly being an asshole, that’s not going to have the outcome you’re hoping for. She doesn’t sound like the type to just stop doing something because you “put your foot down”. Good luck my guy. I have no idea what I’d do.
I have sleep paralysis sometimes multiple times a week which is part of a medical condition. Sometimes these visualizations can feel very real! And even cause some sort of physical pain.
Do I really think the clown from IT made salad in my apartment that one time or was my sleeping pattern just very irregular I had issues with REM? Lol.
Seriously, I suggest she speak with her doctor about this as it can cause you to feel a little funky. Sometimes I wake up and can’t tell if I’m awake or asleep and have to pinch/scratch myself or wait for something wild to happen. So it can feel very real! All the best,
YTA, but only because of this: "I work in a scientific field, and I'm concerned about how this might affect my reputation."
Aren't you worried about your wife? Clearly she's not doing okay. Why is your reputation what's important here?
NTA. She needs help, whether what happened to her was real or not.
Just wanna say that your career is completely fine. Folks will make comments but that’s literally it. Especially in the sciences. You might just be the one married to the UFO lady, but that’s all.
Your coworkers are assholes. Theyre scientists right? What analysis leads them to the conclusion that your kooky wife effects anything they have going on? Is your career really being harmed or are you just embarrassed?
Sounds like a delusion/psychosis. Delusions can’t be reasoned with. Her mind literally cannot question the reality of the delusion and it can’t fight being fixated on it. I think you should take her to a psych ER and apologize profusely for acting like a condescending jerk instead of being concerned.
NTA but especially because this is a new thing and she's claiming to have had a physical encounter with aliens, I would be seeking medical help for her right away. I would at the very least be worried about sleep paralysis, hallucinations/psychosis, or some neurological condition.
Sure, she may have believed in aliens and UFOs before now, but that's quite different and a HUGE leap to suddenly claiming to have had an in-person, hands-on encounter.
NTA. I truly hope that you’re able to get your wife to agree to seek some help. I don’t think that you fighting her on what she believes is the best course of action to help persuade her, however. If she truly believes this (and she may well), it could be a tumor. She could be having a break with reality. Any number of things, physical, mental, environmental, could be a contributing factor. Is it possible that you’re able to get her into seeing, bare minimum, her physician? While HIPAA prevents her medical providers from telling you anything, without her permission, you’re quite free to bring up your concerns, privately. Regardless, YOU should seek a therapist of your own, to help you navigate the best course of action for your own mental wellbeing. This is above reddit’s pay grade.
YTA because you're thinking primarily of your career ahead of a human being who is suffering. Also I didn't see it written anywhere that a scientist can't be married to someone who reports an alien abduction. Lots of scientists are married to people who have non-scientific beliefs, for example Creationism. A good start to showing compassion would be to accept she has been through a horrible experience, and lay off imposing your own interpretations on it. None of what happened should be a reason to stop caring for your wife.
A true scientist would understand that people can suffer from delusions and mental health is not something that should be stigmatized. OP should not neglect his wife to appease colleagues that seem to be so willing to look down on him for this. Any true leader in OPs field would understand.
Whether or not she really was abducted by aliens or just had a weird vivid dream doesn't even matter at this point. It's real to her and she is probably upset you don't have her back.
What is more important to you, your marriage or your reputation?
You're not an asshole for this per se but you need to make a decision. If you can't handle the criticism for being married to someone a bit offbeat, you should probably divorce her and let you both find people more compatible
NTA, but this may not be an either/or choice. There are her beliefs, which probably can’t but changed, but then there are her public behaviors, which probably can. Does she understand the effects her going public with her beliefs are having on you? Would she be willing to keep her beliefs private to save your career? That’s a potential compromise.
Maybe a couples counselor might help to see if there’s a compromise that allows you to keep both your marriage and your career. But then, if she chooses the groups and podcasts over your career, then maybe you have your answer. I’m sorry, this is a difficult situation.
Your wife needs serious mental help. I don’t say that sarcastically. She seems ill, if she truly believes she was abducted by aliens. YTA for not getting her help before now.
NTA.
However, I do not know how you will be able to "insist" that she stops telling people about her "alleged abduction." She has already made it a huge part of who she is (from your post). Denying it would be akin to denying her. I am not saying that you should be happy about it or accept it, but once people identify to this degree with something - even something most rational people would call crazy - they are not going to give it up, and the more irrational it becomes, the more they will fight to insist upon believing it. You might be able to persuade her to seek therapy, and that may do some good, but it sounds just as likely that she would consider this a part of a vast cover-up.
So your wife had a sudden personality change and your concern is *your reputation?*
My dude, your wife is going through either a medical or mental health crisis. Normal people don’t wake up one morning fully believed they were abducted by aliens. You need to get her some professional help as soon as possible to make sure there isn’t an underlying issue going on.
NTA, but before we jump all mental illness train (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) but I have experienced night terrors several times in my life, and more regularly I also experience lucid dreams and have sleep paralysis.
Because I am a generally logical person, and have a deep understanding of my own lucid dreams and sleep paralysis, I don’t really take it that far. But I’ve had night terrors episodes where I have had to legitimately ask people near if they happened. Family members playing pranks on me, roommates walking in with glowing eyes, children laughing near me when no kids were in the house. And let me frame this correctly: this isn’t a normal dream, I am in the exact space I am at where I fall asleep, not a dream world. If my mind were wired a certain way and I didn’t have the experience I did, I might fully believe I was witnessing some real demonic shit.
I'd let her carry on. The chances your colleagues are watching podcasts about alien abductions is low. She obviously really believes it. Your career will be fine, it's her saying it happened to her, just state you think maybe she had sleep paralysis or something but she really believes it so you are being supportive. At least you have an interesting partner and not a boring one.
I work in healthcare and during covid one of my upper leaders admitted her spouse was an antivaxer—full on conspiracy, antimask, everything. This while we have to follow and promote all the things as per current recommendations—masks, vaccines, hand washing, isolation etc.
It was really challenging for them because they didn’t see eye to eye on the topic. But they managed to respect each other enough and accept each others POV.
IMO ESH. I would probably want her to go to counseling and a doc to make sure something else wasn’t going on or to at least start a historical timeline in case things escalate in frequency pointing to a psychological or physiological issue. But ultimately if nothing is found, even though she has no proof it did happen you also have no proof it didn’t
OP you’re going to have to figure out the value of your relationship. Her stance ultimately doesn’t impact you as much as you think. I know quite a few healthcare professionals with absolute jerk spouses—it doesn’t change them being great at what they do.
> My colleagues have started making comments, and I'm worried this could impact my career.
Your colleagues are AHs. Tell them that your wife's mental health issues are none of their business and also have *absolutely nothing* to do with you and your work.
Meanwhile, you apparently don't seem to care at all that your wife is going through a thing, you just care about how it makes you look to people with no compassion or empathy.
YTA.
YTA- Your wife is having some kind of mental trouble. Your wife’s mental health should take priority over “what other career people say”. Do you really want to neglect your wife, to appease these people that want to look down on you and your wife for this? You can support your wife without endorsing the delusion that she is having. These colleagues don’t sound like good colleagues and any truly worthy leader in your field would understand that people are human, and mental health issue should not be stigmatized.
Don’t be the people who “lobotomize” their family to keep them from acting crazy.
NTA. So I grew up in this exact situation OP, except it was my father.
It started out as star gazing and possibly seeing something that can’t be explained, but then it turned into filming the sky every night—watching hours and hours of said footage until he sees something out of the norm. Next came the internet UFO groups, Jeff rense, etc. He ended up going on a few interviews, and eventually got hella scammed by some people.
But none of this was nearly as bad as when the “abductions” started. It was all he talked about—he would force it down everyone’s throats ALL the time. I was 7 around this time, and my friends were all 7, but he would still be shoving it in everyone’s faces. I was so afraid—I grew up thinking I could be abducted by aliens at any given time because it was a common occurrence with my dad. He told me they would abduct him by coming through my bedroom (I was the room above his in the basement), paralyzing him, and taking him the way they came. I was so afraid for such a long time.
As I grew up, my fear turned into annoyance as people would avoid coming to my house to hang out, or avoid my birthday parties because my dad was “weird”. It was awful, and traumatic for me. As a 33 year old woman now, I still struggle with invasive thoughts about those times.
So no OP, you are definitely NTA. This kind of behavior can cause serious damage to family members. It’s complicated because you want to support them, but at the same time, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and you can’t FORCE it on them. I feel for you.❤️
NTA. Just laugh about it with your work colleagues. Say stuff like I’m packing her an over night bag incase it happens again. Anything to make light of the situation so they understand that you’re as sceptical as they are. I feel for you.
As for your wife is she someone who craves attention? Does she usually make bold claims? Is this the first time she expressed an interest in aliens? Conspiracy theories are one thing to show an interest in but actually being abducted by aliens is a whole other level.
Have you been to one of these groups? I’d be interested to know if her stories become more embellished after a visit to there.
Put a camera in your bedroom then start telling your wife that you believe her stories and then try to convince her that most abductees are abducted again and again over the years. She'll buy that immediately and once she thinks you're on board it won't take long before she comes up with another fantastic tale of abduction. Then show her the video of her sleeping quietly in bed all night and confront her about it.
She'll either admit she's doing this for attention or you'll know for sure she needs mental health help if she continues to flail against reality.
Not the least intrusive way of going about it, but may be the way to end this contagion before it really takes off and you lose her forever to a fantasy.
NTA
Question: Do you think she has shown symptoms/could be showing Symptoms of schizophrenia and or psychosis? Then this might not be about "believing" a therapist and more about needing medication for her brain chemicals. Keep in mind that these sort of mental disorders are treatable and of neurological origin. Should that be the case it might also be worth looking into recommended ways to support a person going through an episode.
Your wife is just as responsible for a healthy relationship as you, so, nta.
NTA.
I don’t understand where you were when she thought she was abducted. Were you sleeping next to her? Does she believe that this happened without you noticing?
Have you heard of screen memories? it's when your mind distorts a real memory into something else, often to cover up a trauma. Maybe *something* happened to your wife and her mind turned it into an alien abduction.
ESH. A dramatic personality change and/or expression of delusions is a medical emergency. You haul ass to the emergency room when that happens, you don't sit around and fuss.
I was in the pub and a guy I knew pretty well came in, white as a sheet. I’ve never bought anyone a pint because they looked like they’d seen a ghost until that day. He was a big lad, but he was a pathetic sight, made no sense and was terrified. He had been followed by a space ship.
Picture the scene: it’s a dry, dark winter’s night and he was on his way home in his janky old 1980s car. He was weirdly aware he was being followed and checked his rear view mirror. No cars, but a pair of red and white lights were following him (he reckoned they were 50 feet behind him) so he freaked out. He sped up, they followed. He slowed down, they slowed down. He started driving like a nutter and they kept pace. On tight corners he felt they accelerated to be so close that he could see them through tight bends, never wavering from the chase. He said he’d asked god for help etc etc but, nope, they chased. He figured the gig was up and decided he’d have to stop at the pub so that, maybe, he’d be safe. Maybe other people in the pub would help fight off the aliens that wanted him?
Anyway, he bursts through the doors, terrified. We calmed him down, heard the story of his 20 mile car v spaceship chase and, because I’m sciencey, I asked him if he had a parcel shelf in his boot (trunk) and any reflective stuff in there. He was carrying a mirror and he had no parcel shelf. It was his rear lights reflecting onto the mirror and up onto the rear window.
Point is, there’s normally a perfectly logical explanation. Maybe wife had a dream? Some of them can feel real. The least likely explanation is that aliens would travel a gazillion light years to kidnap somebody *who would be missed* and then drop them back a couple of hours later. They would take people from under bridges and other rough sleepers. Maybe that’s why people go missing, who knows?
YTA, let me see if I read this correctly. She honestly told you who she was, what she believed, what her values were and you played along for your entertainment because you thought the only thing that mattered were your ideas and what you thought. Now, she has gone off and done something that embarrasses you related to that and your concern is how to bully her into believing what you do, or at least sitting down and shutting up about it?
I mean, sure, you layered on some more nuance, and sure, you hold a common belief, and sure, you have a compelling reason for wanting this.
But can you not at least see this from her perspective? You went along and basically treated her like a child that believes in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, were entertained by her, and let this drag out into her establishing a whole community of like-minded individuals that she is friends with. You smiled, you nodded, and in some ways encouraged her by making her feel accepted for her beliefs.
I’m not saying I agree with her, I’m saying you had ample opportunity to disagree with her before now. You had ample opportunity for her to go off and find someone else who shared or at least respected her beliefs, and you the same, but you effectively lied to her and deceived her thinking it was okay to be herself.
Let’s assume she does exactly what you want, how long do you think this marriage has left on it until her resentment hangs in the air thick enough to cut with a knife?
How much trust do you think she is going to have with you? Do you mean what you say or are you just telling her what she wants to hear to shut her up? Or worse to laugh at her behind her back for being so silly?
Your wife deserved a partner who, whether they shared her beliefs or not, at least had the decency to be honest and respectful.
Instead, you chose dishonesty and disrespect because you didn’t believe what she thought or believed mattered.
YTA You don’t get to decide what she gets to do lol. Also you don’t even seem concerned or like you listen to her. It’s all about you. Tell your colleagues to mind their own business and stand up for yourself lol. Just say she’s eccentric and polar opposite to you.
The people saying to divorce are insane lol. You don’t just leave a marriage when it’s a little hard or an argument. Good grief
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NTA - this will definitely affect your reputation and your career, and you are right to be concerned. You might also consider that people don't usually stop when they are halfway down the rabbit hole - her fantasies are bringing her attention she obviously enjoys. Sooner or later, that attention won't be enough and she'll simply manufacture something else. Barring medical intervention, your happy marriage as you knew it is over. Hopefully you can find a solution that doesn't destroy your own credibility as well.
I think this is such a typical AITA "YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER" war cry. There is 2 possibilities here OP: 1. Your wife is a liar. She's fantasied about aliens enough that she's willing to go far enough to claim she's been abducted for attention. She's enjoying it and has no will to stop, or listen to how uncomfortable you are with this new behaviour. 2. Your wife has had a mental break. Something in her life or a stressor for her mental health has paved the way for a genuine mental break where she can no longer tell reality from fantasy. She is struggling and she doesn't even know it. She is isolating herself from her support network and she is setting herself up for a hard fall is she isolates everyone before she recognises her issue. In sickness and in health? You know your wife. Internet strangers do not. It's not for me, or other commenters to tell you your marriage is over. Trust your gut, what do you think is going on here? Nta. But please think about your approach.
3. She was abducted by aliens. I mean it's unlikely but it's still a possibility
I actually agree. Definitely the least likely, but we live in an ever expanding universe, so who's to say?
I agree with the war crying too. This is a somewhat serious issue and who knows what could/should happen but it's the man's wife not a bag of mouldy bread. You don't just drop it like it's hot
Yeah, I always said you can tell who’s happily married and who’s not by the things they say. Only takes a few sentences
If he was in bed with her during the alleged abduction, then I think he would know if she disappeared for a few hours
I have no idea when my fiance or our youngest kid (4yo with night terrors) get in and out of bed if I'm already asleep. It is absolutely possible to sleep through it
Not that I believe in alien abductions, but from the stories I’ve read is that aliens would freeze people in time while they abducted them/or someone near them so there would be no way for them to know. My question is, regardless if she was abducted or not, if she truly believes she was, why does she feel she needs to tell all her family/friends? If that were me, I’d probably privately join a support group, sure. But I wouldn’t tell everyone I know because I know they’d think I’m crazy. If she doesn’t realize that, then something is off the hinges.
I dunno, I think most people would feel the need to tell people if they truly believed they'd been abducted by aliens.
Hmm. I would question my own sanity first and only tell people I absolutely trusted.
Sure, I'm with you. I just think most people would want to tell someone. Also if you're questioning your sanity then you could argue you aren't truly believing that the encounter was real. If you absolutely 100% believe it happened you may be more vocal about it.
>Not that I believe in alien abductions, but from the stories I’ve read is that aliens would freeze people in time while they abducted them/or someone near them so there would be no way for them to know. Ah, so the aliens freeze OP in time so no one finds out...but they leave their actual victim's memory completely intact. Seems legit. I swear, alien conspiracists are indistinguishable from a five-year-old making up bigger and bigger lies to cover up the fact they swiped a cookie.
These kinds of “lazy” explanations seem pretty common with psychosis, so I guess the obvious answer just became even more obvious.
Because it's not about an alien abduction, it's about her wanting attention? Even if it affects her husband's career?
Any number of things could be happening beside you while you sleep, your conscious mind is elsewhere. Who knows what's happening while you dream 🤔
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A very, very unlikely possibility. But even if we do consider her words to be true, I find it weird that being experimented on by "aliens" for a few hours left her in a decent enough condition to remember everything vividly with no visual signs of harm, side effects or trauma.
Maybe it would make it harder. If the universe is expanding, because now the distance of travel the aliens have to do becomes greater all the time. But hey I’m no Neil deGrasse Tyson so what do I know.
The ever expanding part makes alien encounters increasingly unlikely. Definitely the least likely explanation.
4. CO poisoning , she could have an episode of hallucination induced dream , check for mold
I think you mean carbon *monoxide*, not dioxide (CO, not CO2), but then it would most likely be affecting others as they're all in the same house.
This is definitely what happened. I mean, of all the interesting people they could’ve abducted, she’s by far the most interesting. /s
even for a highly hypothetical scenario such as alien abduction, I don't think this is how it works.
>even for a highly hypothetical scenario such as alien abduction, I don't think this is how it works. I'm not a field research biologist myself, but I'm reasonably sure that research samples are "grab \[n\] fieldmice from this location" rather than the biologists watching all fieldmice everywhere and cataloguing their relative importance and specialness in each fieldmouse society before choosing only the most special and important ones. Edit: My partner made an observation that made quite a lot of sense. The most interesting and popular people would be the most likely to be missed if abducted for study, so if there are aliens out there abducting and performing tests on humans, it would make sense for them to pick ones that are the least likely to be missed or believed. Which is honestly a solid enough reason as to why it always seems to be crazy weirdos who get abducted that it's the first argument I've ever heard that has made me consider that there might *actually* be aliens out there abducting and studying humans. Probably not though.
Also, if you're conducting experiments on a population or trying to learn about them, it makes sense to choose the most average instead of statistical outliers. /interesting hypothetical, not actually endorsing aliens
A very good point. I’ll start believing in the possibility of Alien Abduction when the aliens take a Nobel prize winner and not Glenda the hairdresser in Arkansas.
Why do they always abduct people who are already UFO enthusiasts or believe in alien visitations, any alien abductors here who can explain that?
Why would you abduct the normal people who might be trusted. Get the ones who people think are crazy already. Whos going to beleive them?
But that falls under the same issue as the one above--why would they take the trouble to find those people, instead of going for the most average? Who would be the best to sample/experiment on anyway, scientifically speaking.
Even humans don’t single out the most interesting members of a species to study. Who’s to say that even the most fascinating of humans would be even a blip above the dullest of us to an alien?
I mean if you're going to list that as a possibility, it's more likely an unknown twin sister abducted and killed OPs wife and has replaced her. Since they were so long estranged, she's using aliens to cover for her inability to act like OPs wife.
Yes least likely but still possible. But he's still NTA. Considering is field of work, the least she could is keep it to a minimum while still seeking help or support or whatever.
No it is not.
Haha you beat me to it. There is a possibility her story is true.
4. She was abducted by lizard people who pretended to be aliens
These are both possible, but I actually think there's at least one other explanation that might be more likely: 3. She experienced sleep paralysis and because she was already interested in UFOs, it took the form of an abduction encounter. She's telling the truth from her perspective and for her, it was a real experience. But it wasn't aliens. Maybe I'm more likely to buy this because I've encountered sleep paralysis. It was freaky as hell and I knew what it was as it was happening. If I hadn't? And I already believed in aliens? Yeah.
Definitely a worthwhile perspective. I've personally never experienced sleep paralysis, I don't know if I would be able to recognise it if I did. I went on sleep tablets once that very strongly affected me, I started talking to people that weren't there, and then swiftly fell asleep. I woke up to no memory of it but my bf was freaked out. I think this just goes to show how black and white thinking on an issue like this really limits being able to empathise with OPs wife. We honestly don't know what's going on with her. It could be any combination of issues. I hate how quick to forgoing empathy some redditors can be. We're all only human after all. We all need a bit of patience from time to time.
That is the most likely. In the past, when people were more obsessed with demons, sleep paralysis was interpreted as demons, or worse, succubi, interfering with them. Religious people still tend to experience it that way. I think I had an episode of sleep paralysis: I was spending the weekend at my sister's house. I woke up, knowing something was very, very wrong, that there was a malign presence. I tried to crawl out of bed, and then across the floor, to warn my sister and BiL, but there was a great weight pressing down on me. I got to the door of the room, and then...I woke up, back in bed. It was really, really freaky. The fact that I don't believe in demons, or aliens, or ghosts, may have been why I just felt a malign "presence," not anything specific.
Yeah, in Egypt today people regularly report to their doctors that they have been attacked by djinn in their sleep when experiencing sleep paralysis.
I have sleep paralysis, sometimes really bad, like several times a week. I'm also a pretty big believer in UFO's, I'm not sure about the abduction thing but I definitely think they've visited this planet before. Anyway when I get sleep paralysis I never think I've been abducted, I never see aliens or anything like that, I just can't move and sometimes it's scary as hell. So idk that's just me but I don't really see how sleep paralysis can go from that to thinking I'm on a spaceship.
Sleep paralysis often includes vivid hallucinations and a range of imagined sensations, like being dragged out of bed. It can be different for everyone and from one episode to another. [Source](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis).
I usually go right from sleep paralysis into vivid dreaming. I can absolutely see that becoming "I was paralyzed and abducted" followed by a vivid dream of said abduction.
Some episodes of sleep paralysis involve imagining that there are figures a) sitting on your chest and b) hovering on the edge of the room. I get sleep paralysis from time to time but have only experienced the visual hallucination once. Some people's visual hallucinations are strong enough that their brain fills in the details (like being strapped immobile to a table and aliens lurking at your side).
I had sleep paralysis once after not getting much sleep and in my dream I mistook the garbage truck going past as some sort of alien invasion, and the fact that I couldn't move was explained by the aliens using some sort of technology on me. I was fully convinced, and terrified, in the dream. I was fine upon waking, and I do not believe any aliens have visited us (but I do believe it's likely some sort of life at at least a basic level is out there in the universe. But not UFOs visiting earth).
THIS! Especially #2. My ex girlfriend has paranoid schizophrenia, and had bizarre delusions like OP’s wife, whenever she went off her meds and had a relapse. She would seriously believe all sorts of ludicrous conspiracy theories and claimed things happened that are impossible. She ended up dumping me in her last stint (at least when we were still together) in the psych ward. She believed I was working with her mother and,naturally, the government, in a diabolical plan to take away her freedom. It was painful, but now I’m glad I no longer have to deal with that dumpster fire.
From the perspective of someone with Schizoaffective Disorder who has delusions and hallucinations and has been hospitalised multiple times, I appreciate that it was hard on you to deal with all that, but calling her a "dumpster fire" is extremely insensitive. You may have suffered, but she has it much much worse. It's awful to have delusions that throw you into such a panic. Living your life that way is horrible. A bit of empathy goes a long way.
This. I was legitimately thinking upon reading that it sounded like a schizophrenic break or something, sounds like OP's wife needs help whether she wants it or not, OP is focusing on the wrong part with his career and things, her behaviour is far more worrisome.
I find it quite concerning he thought it was fun until now
If 1, she’s willing to ruin her interpersonal relationships and impact OP’s life for attention, at which point she is a toxic person and partner, and the marriage is not worth saving. If 2, she’s an actual, out of control insane person. Her mental illness is impacting her and OP’s lives and relationships, and her refusal to seek treatment or admit there’s a problem means the situation is only going to get worse. Short of getting her placed on an involuntary psychiatric hold, what can OP do to prevent this from consuming and ruining both their lives? In sickness and in health is cute until she tries to dissect him in his sleep for her alien overlords. NTA, OP. Get her help whether she wants it or not, or get out of her spiral before you get pulled under.
Problem with option 2 is, in most jurisdictions, unless the person is a threat to harm themselves or others they won’t be subject to an involuntary hold. Believing something batshit crazy doesn’t qualify and if OPs partner believes it to be true then they won’t agree to a voluntary stay. You can’t make them get help without that threat of harm or an incapacity.
A third option is that she truly believes this is true. I know I've had extremely vivid dreams and believed they were true / had really happened for a while. Heck, I remember being upset for a couple of hours on how badly I had messed up a song in the school play, only figuring out (after getting to school), that the show was still 3 days away. It seemed SO real to me. I wouldn't be surprised if your wife truly believes this whole alien thing. The fact that she's getting attention for it just reinforces this belief. OP, NTA. You are right to be concerned. This will affect your work. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice.
3. Mix of the two. She didn't make it up wholesale, it was an incredibly vivid dream or something. She's not lying, but because of her passion for the idea she's invested in not looking at alternative explanations. 4. Some other medical explanation. Concussion, carbon monoxide, etc.
Honestly sleep paralysis seems very, very, very likely. I used to have sleep paralysis all the time and it feels very real, and very terrifying, because you are in this weird state of awake and not awake. It's like hallucinating, except the sensory details are extremely vivid. One time an old, bone-y woman entered my room and leaned over where I was sleeping. And I could feel and smell her breath. I could see someone who hasn't experienced sleep paralysis before, or not often, conflating reality and dreaming because it does feel like a very real experience.
I’ve always found claims of alien abductions to be fascinating and have listened to/read about a ton of them despite not believing at all that aliens are the cause. There are definitely people who straight up make these claims up for attention, knowing that it’s a complete fabrication and also those who are just experiencing some kind of mental illness that is causing them to believe that’s what happened, but it seems to me a lot of people fall somewhere between those two poles. I can’t find the study right now so I won’t vouch for how reliable it is or if what I’m remembering is completely accurate , but there was an analysis of claimed alien abductees that showed those people generally had a greater than average concentration of traits suggesting a rich fantasy life and desire to be special. I think a lot of these stories start when something difficult is going on in these people’s lives, big or small, and then they begin to notice “weird” things. The human brain is incredibly good at creating stories and piecing together sensory data to support those stories even if nothing in the “real world” can support that interpretation. They might begin assuming weird noises, strange marks on their body or things in the sky they can’t immediately place are all signs something real is happening to them and once enough “evidence” has built up it’s suddenly way easier for fantasies to blend over into reality. At the root I think a lot of these cases are people under stress who want to have something that makes them feel “special”, even if it’s an experience that often seems to be something horrific. It might also be some kind of defense mechanism that hopes unstoppable aliens messing with you will make the real world problems seem more manageable, I don’t know. The point of this rant is that what seems to cause people to claim alien abductions is complicated and variable, and can often fall between an intentional lie and clinical mental illness. OP’s wife most likely wants it to be true on some level and something caused her to start accepting most likely innocuous things as evidence she’s being abducted. Whether she’s having or is heading towards a full on mental break isn’t something I can determine, but whatever is happening it’s apparent her connection to the reality typically accepted by other people has come apart in places and it’ll probably be hard if not impossible to help her put it back together. Not that it’s not worth trying, but when the problem is a deep belief like this, generally someone isn’t going to reassess that just because others are telling them to. They have to want it themselves and sometimes that just won’t happen.
She could also just have had a hyper realistic dream or something and really firmly believes it was real. People can convince themselves of all kinds of things without intending to lie
Yes that marriage is over as she will never "forget it" and persist it really happened.
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That's a massive, disgusting leap to make about SA. JFC. Someone who goes a little too deep into conspiracy theories and one month ago happens to think they've been abducted and you jump to SA? Calm down. Also, even when it comes to mental illness, you can't help someone or get them help unless they WANT it. OP has every right to be worried about his career and reputation within said career while also worrying about her and their marriage. You don't lose your identity when you get married and a CAREER is a significant loss, especially if your reputation can and will prevent you from getting another job. If someone is mentally ill, choosing not to listen or get help, and is potentially going to genuinely ruin your career, it's absolutely fair to consider throwing in the towel, especially with how public this has become.
OP should also claim he was abducted by aliens but sound more sciencey so he seems more legit and then gets more attention than his wife.
"My abduction was way more sciencey than yours"
and people wonder why the divorce rate is around 50% in the US. You dont just leave someone because it becomes inconvenient. That is not how marriage works. In the Victorian age you could have simply had your wife locked away in a mental institution without her consent so she wouldnt be a bother. Is that a better solution for you. I am so very sick of redditors that immediately advocate for the dissolution of a relationship rather than making an argument for remaining together or helping find solutions that don't involve breaking up. I am bipolar. I didn't know that was what was going on with me until about 8 years ago. Been married 25 years. I would fly into rages for no reason and at other times sit sobbing uncontrollably and I couldn't tell you why. The other 99% of the time I treated my wife like a princess. She didn't leave me .. she got me help. It must have been terribly hard for her all those years but .. we got married. You take the better with the bitter. Few years ago my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer. Over a year of chemo, radiation, doctors visits and then surgery and 4 months with a colostomy bag. After the colostomy bag was removed I had to "pack" her open wound. It was GROSS .. should I have simply said this is to much work and not what I signed on for and tell her to hit the bricks? Of course not. No one here really knows this mans situation or what he should do. I can only suggest that jumping out should not be the first solution. WERE it me .. and she wanted to do a podcast about her alien experience .. I would simply tell her to not forget the neat aluminum foil hat with TV antennae I made for her so she could get a stronger signal and call it a day. When you are 70 and your having trouble wiping your ass your colleagues wont be there for you but your love, your wife/husband will be
Everybody in his life, everybody he works with, knows that his wife is a crazy person who is claiming alien abduction. That impacts how people view him, treat him, it'll impact his career. His wife is making her choice to be a public embarrassment. He has to decide whether he wants to be dragged down and a figure of mockery with her. There are times to hang on and times to let go.
Life is too short to spend it with someone you no longer have an intellectual and trusting connection to. People don't need to be locked into a stressful marriage. That's not the solution to anything. Every person I know who has gotten divorced found someone they are happier with, that's why the divorce rate is so high, and it's not as much of a problem as you are claiming.
If they don’t have children, the answer is divorce. Ain’t nobody got time for this nonsense.
The day I open a post about a couple in this sub and the top comment isn’t telling OP to go full nuclear… I will spend $1,000 on the lottery.
OP, I would tell your wife moving forward you don't want to be connected to her in any way online. And you want her to remove anyone connected to your friends, family, and work associates from her lists. I would tell her you fully believe she's having a mental breakdown and needs help. But if she won't get it, you won't have your reputation ruined. Also, let her know that if she brings it up in front of people with you, you'll mention that you believe it's a mental breakdown. So if she doesn't want to hear your thoughts on it, not to bring it up.
NTA. But since it sound’s like your wife may be struggling with a mental illness, I don’t think your own reputation should be your primary concern in this situation.
If he stops caring about his reputation he loses his career, if he drops his wife he loses his family. Both are equally major aspects of his life. Which is OP more willing to lose is the question that OP has to answer.
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Yeah most STEM ppl I know would just be absolutely concerned about the wife’s mental state and hope that OP can help and support her through what appears to be a mental break…
Telling that OP didn't ask "AITA for insisting my wife get help"
NTA. Unless someone is having some kind of mental heath break these are usually chalked up to sleep paralysis. Her adamance about this is alarming and if she refuses to stop and get help she’s giving you no choice but to do what’s best for yourself.
I'm a lawyer, so I'm generally well educated and at least mildly intelligent, and I've experienced something during the night that I don't have an explanation for. Internet sleuthing would have be believe it was probably an alien abduction. I'm not really someone who would believe in that, but I truly can't say it wasn't because it was that.... unexplainable of an occurrence. It only happened once, and I don't experience anything like sleep paralysis, delusions, etc. So I mean... who's to say what happened to her... Although I haven't, and wouldn't, tell anyone about it but my husband. He's got my back though. All in all, NAH but you're gonna have a hard time working through this one.
It’s possible to have sleep paralysis or hypnagogic hallucinations only once.
This is true. I had sleep paralysis once. It freaked the heck out of me. I had no idea what was happening. I thought I was being attacked by a ghost or something. I didn't find out what it was until I read about sleep paralysis years after.
This. The “Hag” is well-known in my family and my parent experiences it frequently, but I’ve only ever had it the once.
This is one of the 2 my husband experiences too.
I've experienced sleep paralysis too. It scared the shit out if me before i knew what it was. It felt like something was standing at the edge of my bed and slowly was pulling the cover off of me. It happened a lot when i was battling with depression.
Yeah I had something happen- not alone- that I really have no explanation for. I believe aliens could be real cuz the universe is huge, but I’ve never been someone who believed they are capable of or give a shit about visiting or studying earth so never bought UFOs and such. But I have one event that if I experienced it alone I would probably have gotten a ride to a hospital out of fear something was wrong mentally. Idk if I wanna go full “it was alien abduction” but it weirdly fits how some dumb shows and movies do the topic funny enough lol. Whatever it was, I don’t think it’s something currently explainable.
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Lol right?? How could they leave us hanging like that? 🍿
Because they haven't thought of it yet.
Probably because if they actually shared their experiences, they'd be facing thousands of "faker u liar u tHiNk iM dUmB?/!1!??!"
I agree you might have had a disturbing experience of some type. But honestly, it seems beyond farfetched that aliens would come into folks' bedrooms, abduct them for a few hours, then return them in time to wake in the a.m. OP is a scientist, if you have a specimen you are investigating, you don't just keep them for a few hours, call it a day, and let them be free. That's not enough time to run experiments!
Humans literally do that with animals all the time. Catch them, tag them, release them for monitoring.
Animals live outside and can be captured and released easily. Humans live inside houses that aliens would need to get into, and this particular human sleeps in a bed next to her husband who would have to conveniently sleep through the entry, capture, hours of absence, and subsequent release. Hope that helps.
> this particular human sleeps in a bed next to her husband who would have to conveniently sleep through the entry, capture, hours of absence, and subsequent release. Hope that helps. So in your mind, beings with such superior technology that are capable of faster than light, intergalactic space travel would be foiled because they'd be unable to figure out how to keep your husband asleep. (I don't think alien abduction is a thing that happens, but I'm dying that you'll accept that they can fly across the known universe but haven't figure out how to tranquilize people.)
I think the issue is more that not only would you think aliens can fly across the known universe but they also can go through hard surfaces seamlessly and quietly while also somehow always knowing when you're in a state of deep sleep to bag their victim. Cumulatively it's really far fetched and silly.
Why assume aliens can travel faster than the speed of light but not easily manipulate matter so that houses are irrelevant?
That's a fair point- I was approaching this from my perspective (I don't believe aliens abduct people, nor do I believe they can travel faster than the speed of light), so I failed to consider that someone who DOES believe aliens abduct people may also have further beliefs about their technology (such as faster than light travel and matter manipulation). These further beliefs may make my point sound meaningless. I actually think this is a fantastic thing for you to have pointed out. It's the same reason why flat earthers are so hard to convince: in addition to believing the earth is flat, they have tons of other beliefs. If you take them into space and show them the earth is round, their other beliefs (e.g. curved window refracting light causes an illusion of roundness) are used to invalidate your evidence and make your point sound meaningless. Maybe the key is trying to immerse oneself in their entire belief system to fully understand why they adhere to it, rather than refuting individual beliefs with evidence. I hope this doesn't sound sarcastic over text, but you've genuinely given me something to think about here. Thank you!
Good point- I like to keep up to date with the Santa Monica Mountain Lions and they actually do tranquilize them and do a bunch of tests while they are under. They must feel very strange when they wake up.
Seems far fetched? See that’s what the aliens want you to think until you are abducted by them one night.
any alien species advanced enough to travel to earth and with the desire to study us would hide themselves quite well and would likely only target the homeless or trafficked, and would likely kill them after they were finally done to remove witnesses. if criminals have figured out that dead people can’t be witnesses i’m almost 100% sure any alien visitors would also have atleast this amount of common sense.
Any alien species advanced enough to travel to Earth, and with the desire to study us could do it without actually abducting human beings.
Wild assumptions on what an alien - and therefore completely unknowable - race of beings would be likely to do. Assuming that a group of beings from off-world exists and are visiting the planet to study humans, we have zero ability to know what their capabilities are or what their reasoning/motivations would be.
I get where you’re coming from but say that aliens are real, we likely have no idea how advanced their technology is in comparison for ours. They could have very rapid means of testing and study that are completely different to what we currently know.
> I don't experience anything like sleep paralysis But if it was sleep paralysis how can you claim that you don't experience sleep paralysis? > I've experienced something during the night that I don't have an explanation for Yes, that is what a reasonable person would say when they have an experience they can not explain or investigate. You had some experience and you can't explain it. > who's to say what happened to her... Exactly. No one knows what happened to her, yet she pretends she knows and it's of course aliens.
There's a whole lot of Scullys in this thread. This topic calls for an equal balance of Mulders, or else we'll never reach a solid and conclusive answer.
I hope if I ever need a lawyer they don’t describe themselves as “mildly intelligent” LOL. Only kidding (?) of course :)
Smart people are smart enough to accurately describe themselves
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Intelligence isnt always the most important trait in a lawyer. Organization and charisma are often more important.
Yeah, I had something unexplainable happen to me, too. I like to share it with people who wouldn't think I'm crazy, but I'm not putting it out there for everyone to read. I would be skeptical too if I didn't happen to me, so...
Not to doubt you, but it's totally possible and even likely to have something weird happen in your brain just once. Our brains and our perceptions of reality are held together by the biological equivalent of duct tape and a prayer. The occasional 'malfunction' is very common
That must be a hit to ones self-esteem. Imagin being abducted by aliens and the aliens not considering you good enough to be abducted a second time.
I’m not a lawyer so while i can’t tell you exactly what happened to you, i can tell you for 100% certainty you were not abducted by aliens. (Could have been the spaghetti monster though)
You don't generally have "experience things like sleep paralysis" as a normal part of living. Its something that happens to most people never in their lives and a lot of people only once in their life. It's happened to me once about 8 years ago and not once before or after. So i wouldn't discount that just because you're not supposedly prone to it.
It's possible for lawyers to have mental illness
If this is real.. - Your wife’s beliefs have been there before the relationship, and you knew this - She now fully believes that she’d been abducted, while you were in bed next to her - She’s not the first or the last to believe this, and she’s not the first or last to share publicly - I don’t think her beliefs have been “in good fun” all this time, and I really don’t think it’s been a joke all this time either. These are her true beliefs - You have full rights to be concerned for your work reputation, especially since you are in the scientific field - Edit: Took out the part where your colleagues don’t understand mental illness well because a commenter pointed out that believing in ETs is similar to a religion. And there actually are a few or more religions out there that surround extraterrestrials. - I’m not sure if any explanation, facts, scientific logic will help your wife, cause these beliefs are ingrained just like your science is concrete to you OP, I don’t see how this can end well? She’s a firm believer of other beings in outer space, and you’re a man of science. It’s like mixing oil and water.
Anyone that "believes" in alien abductions will eventually think they experienced one. Our brains can convince us of all kinds of stuff if we keep thinking about it for long enough. Wife needs some help.
See also: religion
lol there are plenty of people that believe in aliens that don’t think they are gonna be abducted
Especially if the abduction stories have too many recurring similar elements to be coincidence. Things like sleep paralysis and experiments are so cliche for abductions, typically aliens with large grey heads. Stargate SG-1 lampshades the tendency to these elements as cliche, in the same episode explaining them as being the actions of a rogue Asgard.
So much this. Your wife has always felt this way, it’s never been “just for fun" and you simply dismissed it as your wife just being kooky and it not being problematic within your marriage. So you didn’t take it seriously. She’s to a point where, for some reason, she feels like she’s been abducted. whether or not it’s schizophrenia, sleep paralysis, a desperate cry for attention, who knows. At this point the kettle has boiled over and you’re not going to be able to get all the water back in.
Science doesn’t rule out beings in outer space? Also, you could have interdimensional beings.
Yeah I kinda feel like this is a case where OP should have spotted incompatible values a long time ago. He probably wanted to feel like his wife believing in UFO's and conspiracy theories was not a big deal because of the other things he liked about her. But I think, if one partner has these kinds of beliefs, and the other partner is very scientific and rational, eventually some kind of conflict like this is going to bubble up. If it wasn't this, it would be that she wants to treat the kids with essential oils instead of medicine, or she things vaccines are a hoax or something. You need to have conversations about these kinds of things in a relationship and find out how seriously your partner takes their beliefs.
>She’s a firm believer of other beings in outer space, and you’re a man of science. It’s like mixing oil and water. I highly recommend reading the chapter on alien abductions in Carl Sagan’s “Demon-Haunted World”. I had a lot of derision for people that believed in alien abductions, but after reading that book I have to say it’s a lot easier for me to get along with people who believe in what I consider to be crazy things. So, can they mix for OP? I don’t know. I do know it wasn’t an oil and water mixture when it came to Sagan and alien believers though.
It seems like this is not going to get better, especially with her attending local meetings with other UFO enthusiasts, she will be influenced more and more and these new people will validate her truth/ideas/perceived reality more and more. They will hold much more sway with her than you will. It sounds like she may not be able to believe a therapist either since she's just so into it all.
Not sure why your worried about your career or what your colleagues think when your wife is clearly having a mental health issue. I would also say this to people who bring it up to you. It’s not funny at all. It could also be a way to explain some past trauma like SA. She really needs to speak to a psychiatrist, you need her to get help.
Help is only available to people who want it. She believes that what happened is real, so she's not going to seek mental health support for it. At some point the OP has to cut loose and protect his own wellbeing.
Maybe OP could have her set up with a therapist who deals with dilutions/hallucinations. Tell her the experience sounds traumatizing (being abducted by aliens has been my biggest fear since I was little), and maybe she should talk to someone to help her with it. I have heard stories of people who were assaulted/kidnapped and the brain filled in the blanks to make it be alien abduction. Or OP’s wife is having a psychological break, and maybe a therapist could help.
My sister believed she heard and spoke to fairies and even said she wouldn't bother with a doctor because they would tell her she was schizophrenic or something. She will never go and never believe a doctor because she already believes she knows exactly what is happening.
Unfortunately short of involuntary hospitalisation you can't treat someone against their will. She's no more likely to see a psychiatrist than a religious person is about their belief in God. Like u/Accomplished_Gain11 downthread. Not to mention she's got an army of like-minded "believers" enabling her, reinforcing her beliefs, and praising her for seeing the Truth. Assuming this is a real story (highly unlikely) this relationship has likely run its course.
Because people need to work in order to, you know, live. Wife can't get help unless she acknowledges she has a problem and agrees to go, but given that she believes she really was abducted there isn't much OP can do. Also let's not start speculating about things like sexual abuse, there's no reason for it.
NTA, these delusions need to be nipped in the bud.
NAH. Everyone saying your wife has mental illness maybe but I don’t think so, chill people. At one point I had an alien abduction - hint it was not real but the experience felt very real. I am of sound mind also. But holy fuck I had them in my room and I levitated off the bed and was paralyzed and could not move. I was trying my hardest to scream but couldn’t. Then finally I woke up and my scream came out full volume scaring the shit out of my girlfriend sleeping beside me. This was more then a dream. This was so surreal and I felt like I was awake but was not. What I experienced was sleep paralysis and it happened a couple more times but in subsequent times I was actually aware I was dreaming but again it felt like an alien was there and I was levitating but did not panic. Anyways this has been documented many times and studied and is well know. Lots on it if you search sleep paralysis and aliens. Some people see a demon. So maybe teach your colleagues about it and support your wife but educate her as well. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15881271/
Yep, as someone who has sleep paralysis frequently, this is most likely what it is
Yes. I experienced sleep paralysis as a kid several times, where I thought I was seeing ghosts. As a young adult, 18-21ish, I frequently experienced waking up to the feeling of hands pressing/pulling on me, grabbing my face/neck, thinking I was seeing strange creatures zooming over me. In fact, in my 30s now, every once and a while I still experience the feeling of "about to fall asleep, closing my eyes" but instead of that "falling" feeling, I hear my name screamed out or I see giant faces/figures zooming at me. It's super weird, but I know it's my brain just doing sleep/wake transition brain things. I think it could help OP's wife to hear about others with similar experiences. I'd encourage people to check out the Wikipedia page for [Susan Clancy](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Susan_Clancy). She wrote a book in 2005 called "Abducted: How People Come to Believe They Were Kidnapped By Aliens." The "select bibliography" section in the Wikipedia article has more info on the book's contents and reception. OP's wife experienced something spiritually transformative and life-changing, and it is not possible to simply "talk her out of it." In the same way that someone who is convinced that God spoke to them directly or answered their specific prayer one time is very unlikely to change their mind. I think if OP stops trying to stifle or hide their wife's story they may have better luck. She's going to double down if she doesn't feel heard. If OP can support and validate her I think she's more likely to become open to couples' counseling or be receptive to some gentle Socratic questioning (along the lines of "street epistemology"/helping her figure out why she believes what she believes).
NTA. As a tip: you should dress up as an alien while your wife is asleep, then wake her roughly and tell her the alien overlords need her to keep the secret. You can use a walkman blasting loud music to confuse her.
Didn't this happen in a movie once? I don't remember though... was it Back to the Future? There was this guy who saw that some other guy was a fan of some alien/superhero so he dressed up as that alien superhero thing to convince the fan to do something for him.
In Back to the Future if memory serves Marty ends up with the Delorean in a barn in the past, wearing some kind of hazmat suit, and the lights emitted by the car and his attire fit the description of Sci-Fi comic book aliens the kid of the family has. I don’t remember if he asks something though, I think he just scares them?
Yes, i remember that scene, but there was another scene in *some* movie where the above happens
Yeah it’s back to the future, Marty does exactly this to George
That's what they were referring to.
I am an extraterrestrial from the planet Vulcan.
Erm...I'm actually gonna say YTA. 'I work in a scientific field, and I'm concerned about how this might affect my reputation' This is absolutely a concern, but it really bothers me that you haven't expressed any concern for your wife or her wellbeing in your entire post. It's like you're not bothered by her behaviour or what she's saying happened to her until it might affect you. You dismiss her beliefs as 'good fun' and don't seem at all worried by what she is saying happened to her. I don't like that. I'd be bloody worried about her wellbeing in your position.
NTA. Unless something changes, it’s unlikely your marriage will survive this.
NTA for being concerned, but you can’t exactly “insist” that she do anything. I mean you could, but aside from possibly being an asshole, that’s not going to have the outcome you’re hoping for. She doesn’t sound like the type to just stop doing something because you “put your foot down”. Good luck my guy. I have no idea what I’d do.
When I was 10, I saw a UFO through the curtains of my bedroom window. I opened the curtains and it was the McDonald's pizza blimp.
Yo you turned that UFO into an IFO like a fucken boss OP I agree dress up like an alien and tell her they need her to tone it down
McDonalds. Pizza. Blimp???
I have sleep paralysis sometimes multiple times a week which is part of a medical condition. Sometimes these visualizations can feel very real! And even cause some sort of physical pain. Do I really think the clown from IT made salad in my apartment that one time or was my sleeping pattern just very irregular I had issues with REM? Lol. Seriously, I suggest she speak with her doctor about this as it can cause you to feel a little funky. Sometimes I wake up and can’t tell if I’m awake or asleep and have to pinch/scratch myself or wait for something wild to happen. So it can feel very real! All the best,
[удалено]
NTA but I don’t know how you move forward with this… I would be taking her to a psych ward.
YTA, but only because of this: "I work in a scientific field, and I'm concerned about how this might affect my reputation." Aren't you worried about your wife? Clearly she's not doing okay. Why is your reputation what's important here?
This needs to be higher up.
Because people need jobs to live.
NTA. Your wife needs help. Find a good counselor ASAP.
NTA. She needs help, whether what happened to her was real or not. Just wanna say that your career is completely fine. Folks will make comments but that’s literally it. Especially in the sciences. You might just be the one married to the UFO lady, but that’s all.
Maybe have the house tested for carbon monoxide.
Your coworkers are assholes. Theyre scientists right? What analysis leads them to the conclusion that your kooky wife effects anything they have going on? Is your career really being harmed or are you just embarrassed?
Sounds like a delusion/psychosis. Delusions can’t be reasoned with. Her mind literally cannot question the reality of the delusion and it can’t fight being fixated on it. I think you should take her to a psych ER and apologize profusely for acting like a condescending jerk instead of being concerned.
NTA. Psychosis is no joke.
How did I know the comments at the bottom would be so amusing?
Nta she's got some major problems.
NTA but especially because this is a new thing and she's claiming to have had a physical encounter with aliens, I would be seeking medical help for her right away. I would at the very least be worried about sleep paralysis, hallucinations/psychosis, or some neurological condition. Sure, she may have believed in aliens and UFOs before now, but that's quite different and a HUGE leap to suddenly claiming to have had an in-person, hands-on encounter.
Maybe you should summon up the courage to stand up for yourself a work.
NTA. I truly hope that you’re able to get your wife to agree to seek some help. I don’t think that you fighting her on what she believes is the best course of action to help persuade her, however. If she truly believes this (and she may well), it could be a tumor. She could be having a break with reality. Any number of things, physical, mental, environmental, could be a contributing factor. Is it possible that you’re able to get her into seeing, bare minimum, her physician? While HIPAA prevents her medical providers from telling you anything, without her permission, you’re quite free to bring up your concerns, privately. Regardless, YOU should seek a therapist of your own, to help you navigate the best course of action for your own mental wellbeing. This is above reddit’s pay grade.
YTA because you're thinking primarily of your career ahead of a human being who is suffering. Also I didn't see it written anywhere that a scientist can't be married to someone who reports an alien abduction. Lots of scientists are married to people who have non-scientific beliefs, for example Creationism. A good start to showing compassion would be to accept she has been through a horrible experience, and lay off imposing your own interpretations on it. None of what happened should be a reason to stop caring for your wife.
A true scientist would understand that people can suffer from delusions and mental health is not something that should be stigmatized. OP should not neglect his wife to appease colleagues that seem to be so willing to look down on him for this. Any true leader in OPs field would understand.
Whether or not she really was abducted by aliens or just had a weird vivid dream doesn't even matter at this point. It's real to her and she is probably upset you don't have her back. What is more important to you, your marriage or your reputation? You're not an asshole for this per se but you need to make a decision. If you can't handle the criticism for being married to someone a bit offbeat, you should probably divorce her and let you both find people more compatible
NTA, but this may not be an either/or choice. There are her beliefs, which probably can’t but changed, but then there are her public behaviors, which probably can. Does she understand the effects her going public with her beliefs are having on you? Would she be willing to keep her beliefs private to save your career? That’s a potential compromise. Maybe a couples counselor might help to see if there’s a compromise that allows you to keep both your marriage and your career. But then, if she chooses the groups and podcasts over your career, then maybe you have your answer. I’m sorry, this is a difficult situation.
Your wife needs serious mental help. I don’t say that sarcastically. She seems ill, if she truly believes she was abducted by aliens. YTA for not getting her help before now.
NTA this is a very tough situation.. I don’t have any advice for you, I just wish you both the best.
NTA That said, your wife sounds like the least delusional r/aliens user.
NTA. However, I do not know how you will be able to "insist" that she stops telling people about her "alleged abduction." She has already made it a huge part of who she is (from your post). Denying it would be akin to denying her. I am not saying that you should be happy about it or accept it, but once people identify to this degree with something - even something most rational people would call crazy - they are not going to give it up, and the more irrational it becomes, the more they will fight to insist upon believing it. You might be able to persuade her to seek therapy, and that may do some good, but it sounds just as likely that she would consider this a part of a vast cover-up.
NTA - but maybe you should try to talk with her about it. There has to be a reason for her acting like that / believing in it.
So your wife had a sudden personality change and your concern is *your reputation?* My dude, your wife is going through either a medical or mental health crisis. Normal people don’t wake up one morning fully believed they were abducted by aliens. You need to get her some professional help as soon as possible to make sure there isn’t an underlying issue going on.
NTA, but before we jump all mental illness train (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) but I have experienced night terrors several times in my life, and more regularly I also experience lucid dreams and have sleep paralysis. Because I am a generally logical person, and have a deep understanding of my own lucid dreams and sleep paralysis, I don’t really take it that far. But I’ve had night terrors episodes where I have had to legitimately ask people near if they happened. Family members playing pranks on me, roommates walking in with glowing eyes, children laughing near me when no kids were in the house. And let me frame this correctly: this isn’t a normal dream, I am in the exact space I am at where I fall asleep, not a dream world. If my mind were wired a certain way and I didn’t have the experience I did, I might fully believe I was witnessing some real demonic shit.
I'd let her carry on. The chances your colleagues are watching podcasts about alien abductions is low. She obviously really believes it. Your career will be fine, it's her saying it happened to her, just state you think maybe she had sleep paralysis or something but she really believes it so you are being supportive. At least you have an interesting partner and not a boring one.
I work in healthcare and during covid one of my upper leaders admitted her spouse was an antivaxer—full on conspiracy, antimask, everything. This while we have to follow and promote all the things as per current recommendations—masks, vaccines, hand washing, isolation etc. It was really challenging for them because they didn’t see eye to eye on the topic. But they managed to respect each other enough and accept each others POV. IMO ESH. I would probably want her to go to counseling and a doc to make sure something else wasn’t going on or to at least start a historical timeline in case things escalate in frequency pointing to a psychological or physiological issue. But ultimately if nothing is found, even though she has no proof it did happen you also have no proof it didn’t OP you’re going to have to figure out the value of your relationship. Her stance ultimately doesn’t impact you as much as you think. I know quite a few healthcare professionals with absolute jerk spouses—it doesn’t change them being great at what they do.
YWNBTA but youve kinda already asked her to stop and shes kinda already told you to pound sand.
You seem more concerned about your career than her mental well being.
> My colleagues have started making comments, and I'm worried this could impact my career. Your colleagues are AHs. Tell them that your wife's mental health issues are none of their business and also have *absolutely nothing* to do with you and your work. Meanwhile, you apparently don't seem to care at all that your wife is going through a thing, you just care about how it makes you look to people with no compassion or empathy. YTA.
YTA- Your wife is having some kind of mental trouble. Your wife’s mental health should take priority over “what other career people say”. Do you really want to neglect your wife, to appease these people that want to look down on you and your wife for this? You can support your wife without endorsing the delusion that she is having. These colleagues don’t sound like good colleagues and any truly worthy leader in your field would understand that people are human, and mental health issue should not be stigmatized. Don’t be the people who “lobotomize” their family to keep them from acting crazy.
NTA. So I grew up in this exact situation OP, except it was my father. It started out as star gazing and possibly seeing something that can’t be explained, but then it turned into filming the sky every night—watching hours and hours of said footage until he sees something out of the norm. Next came the internet UFO groups, Jeff rense, etc. He ended up going on a few interviews, and eventually got hella scammed by some people. But none of this was nearly as bad as when the “abductions” started. It was all he talked about—he would force it down everyone’s throats ALL the time. I was 7 around this time, and my friends were all 7, but he would still be shoving it in everyone’s faces. I was so afraid—I grew up thinking I could be abducted by aliens at any given time because it was a common occurrence with my dad. He told me they would abduct him by coming through my bedroom (I was the room above his in the basement), paralyzing him, and taking him the way they came. I was so afraid for such a long time. As I grew up, my fear turned into annoyance as people would avoid coming to my house to hang out, or avoid my birthday parties because my dad was “weird”. It was awful, and traumatic for me. As a 33 year old woman now, I still struggle with invasive thoughts about those times. So no OP, you are definitely NTA. This kind of behavior can cause serious damage to family members. It’s complicated because you want to support them, but at the same time, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and you can’t FORCE it on them. I feel for you.❤️
NTA Monitor your credit and accounts. Scammers prey on conspiracy believers.
NTA. Just laugh about it with your work colleagues. Say stuff like I’m packing her an over night bag incase it happens again. Anything to make light of the situation so they understand that you’re as sceptical as they are. I feel for you. As for your wife is she someone who craves attention? Does she usually make bold claims? Is this the first time she expressed an interest in aliens? Conspiracy theories are one thing to show an interest in but actually being abducted by aliens is a whole other level. Have you been to one of these groups? I’d be interested to know if her stories become more embellished after a visit to there.
NTA Your wife needs professional help. Best of luck to both of you.
Put a camera in your bedroom then start telling your wife that you believe her stories and then try to convince her that most abductees are abducted again and again over the years. She'll buy that immediately and once she thinks you're on board it won't take long before she comes up with another fantastic tale of abduction. Then show her the video of her sleeping quietly in bed all night and confront her about it. She'll either admit she's doing this for attention or you'll know for sure she needs mental health help if she continues to flail against reality. Not the least intrusive way of going about it, but may be the way to end this contagion before it really takes off and you lose her forever to a fantasy.
NTA. But if you have any green children, get a DNA test.
What podcast?
NTA Question: Do you think she has shown symptoms/could be showing Symptoms of schizophrenia and or psychosis? Then this might not be about "believing" a therapist and more about needing medication for her brain chemicals. Keep in mind that these sort of mental disorders are treatable and of neurological origin. Should that be the case it might also be worth looking into recommended ways to support a person going through an episode. Your wife is just as responsible for a healthy relationship as you, so, nta.
NTA. I don’t understand where you were when she thought she was abducted. Were you sleeping next to her? Does she believe that this happened without you noticing?
NTA. Want to support her? Take her to a psychiatrist.
NTA. I think a psych hold would straighten her out.
Have you heard of screen memories? it's when your mind distorts a real memory into something else, often to cover up a trauma. Maybe *something* happened to your wife and her mind turned it into an alien abduction.
ESH. A dramatic personality change and/or expression of delusions is a medical emergency. You haul ass to the emergency room when that happens, you don't sit around and fuss.
I was in the pub and a guy I knew pretty well came in, white as a sheet. I’ve never bought anyone a pint because they looked like they’d seen a ghost until that day. He was a big lad, but he was a pathetic sight, made no sense and was terrified. He had been followed by a space ship. Picture the scene: it’s a dry, dark winter’s night and he was on his way home in his janky old 1980s car. He was weirdly aware he was being followed and checked his rear view mirror. No cars, but a pair of red and white lights were following him (he reckoned they were 50 feet behind him) so he freaked out. He sped up, they followed. He slowed down, they slowed down. He started driving like a nutter and they kept pace. On tight corners he felt they accelerated to be so close that he could see them through tight bends, never wavering from the chase. He said he’d asked god for help etc etc but, nope, they chased. He figured the gig was up and decided he’d have to stop at the pub so that, maybe, he’d be safe. Maybe other people in the pub would help fight off the aliens that wanted him? Anyway, he bursts through the doors, terrified. We calmed him down, heard the story of his 20 mile car v spaceship chase and, because I’m sciencey, I asked him if he had a parcel shelf in his boot (trunk) and any reflective stuff in there. He was carrying a mirror and he had no parcel shelf. It was his rear lights reflecting onto the mirror and up onto the rear window. Point is, there’s normally a perfectly logical explanation. Maybe wife had a dream? Some of them can feel real. The least likely explanation is that aliens would travel a gazillion light years to kidnap somebody *who would be missed* and then drop them back a couple of hours later. They would take people from under bridges and other rough sleepers. Maybe that’s why people go missing, who knows?
YTA, let me see if I read this correctly. She honestly told you who she was, what she believed, what her values were and you played along for your entertainment because you thought the only thing that mattered were your ideas and what you thought. Now, she has gone off and done something that embarrasses you related to that and your concern is how to bully her into believing what you do, or at least sitting down and shutting up about it? I mean, sure, you layered on some more nuance, and sure, you hold a common belief, and sure, you have a compelling reason for wanting this. But can you not at least see this from her perspective? You went along and basically treated her like a child that believes in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, were entertained by her, and let this drag out into her establishing a whole community of like-minded individuals that she is friends with. You smiled, you nodded, and in some ways encouraged her by making her feel accepted for her beliefs. I’m not saying I agree with her, I’m saying you had ample opportunity to disagree with her before now. You had ample opportunity for her to go off and find someone else who shared or at least respected her beliefs, and you the same, but you effectively lied to her and deceived her thinking it was okay to be herself. Let’s assume she does exactly what you want, how long do you think this marriage has left on it until her resentment hangs in the air thick enough to cut with a knife? How much trust do you think she is going to have with you? Do you mean what you say or are you just telling her what she wants to hear to shut her up? Or worse to laugh at her behind her back for being so silly? Your wife deserved a partner who, whether they shared her beliefs or not, at least had the decency to be honest and respectful. Instead, you chose dishonesty and disrespect because you didn’t believe what she thought or believed mattered.
YTA You don’t get to decide what she gets to do lol. Also you don’t even seem concerned or like you listen to her. It’s all about you. Tell your colleagues to mind their own business and stand up for yourself lol. Just say she’s eccentric and polar opposite to you. The people saying to divorce are insane lol. You don’t just leave a marriage when it’s a little hard or an argument. Good grief