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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I do feel a tiny bit bad because I could just say yes. It’s not a space issue or anything as my room’s big enough, I just don’t want to which does make me sound bratty and selfish.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and your parents are very strange to insist in housing a 14 year old boy with a 17 year old girl.
How are either of you going to be comfortable in that setup???
And that’s her UNCLE AT THAT! I’d be weirded out by that too! I mean… I’ve been a teenager and I know how boys can be! And she doesn’t even know him. That’s not a big ask to make sure that she still feels safe!
I have a niece who’s 1.5 years older and another whose 8 months younger than me. My (half)brother is 20 years older. The girls always felt more like cousins since most of my cousins are at least a decade older than I am.
Edit: lots of people think I’m referring to the boy and OP being like cousins. I’m not I’m just stating that because my dad had me at 40 my brothers children felt more like cousins TOO ME.
Some places are built stupid. My apartment has a living room with kitchenette, a bathroom, and a bedroom with a small walk-in closet. The closet has built in lighting. The bedroom doesn't. Why does my bedroom not have any lights? It's baffling. I have to use screens and desk lamps to see. There's a lightswitch right next to the door, but it doesn't do anything. It doesn't even correspond to any of the outlets.
I have a spare room with ‘split’ outlets — the top outlet in each pair is controlled by wall switches, while the other outlet is always on. Maybe check if you have a similar setup.
My niece is the same age as me and my sisters are 20/30 years older than me, my oldest niece is about 10/20 years older than me with 3 kids. All on my dad's side. It's weird.
Yeah but not in a way where "that's her UNCLE!" makes any kind of sense as some extra bad thing, which is what they were replying to. He's not an adult with power over her, he's functionally her cousin so freaking out over the uncle thing makes no sense.
It's the fact that he is related to her, yet they are teenagers who don't have a sense of "family," that is the problem. Having two teens sleeping in the same room is a recipe for disaster unless you're Hapsburg royalty back in the old days. OP does not feel safe. The parents are a couple of morons.
At 17 she could just leave, and if her parents sent the police after her, tell them Mom and Dad want her to sleep in the same room as a 14 year old boy. Her parents could see exactly how far that would fly. I think it would go over like a lead balloon.
Personally, I probably would take the basement room if it was at all liveable and move out ASAP after turning 18.
I am going to add in here that the 14 year old boy is also very strange, because I can't think of a better room to have as a 14 year old than a whole basement.
A 14 year old doesn’t suddenly move in with someone who’s not their parent for shits and giggles. If something traumatic happened he may not want to feel alone/isolated in the basement.
ETA: if anyone else replies to this saying something along the lines of “that doesn’t mean he gets to sleep in OP’s room!!1!1!1!1!” I will respond only with Gordon Ramsey idiot sandwich gifs. 💛 Pointing out that this boy may not just be “very strange” for no reason in no way advocates for him to share a room with OP.
But even with that being true, putting a fourteen-year-old, male stranger (the legal relationship is irrelevant) in with a seventeen-year-old female is not acceptable.
Fourteen-year-old boys are just beginning puberty. They need their own space to work through all that entails. The seventeen-year-old girl is towards the tail end of puberty. She has her own things to work through, and has every right to have a safe space to do it in.
I commend the parents for stepping up and giving this young man a home, but by agreeing to take him in, they assumed a responsbility to create a comfortable and safe space for both children. The young man should stay in the parent's room while they work with him to customize the basement bedroom. Let him pick a paint color, some furniture, posters, LAMPS, and then move him in when he is ready. Their daughter should not be forced to give up her safe space during this emotional and difficult transition. The parents are the AH for wanting to displace their daughter, and for putting the boy in a situation that makes him feel unwanted.
The fact he has to suddenly move in with his older sister and her family definitely points to the fact he's likely at suffering some sort of family crisis or abuse. And yeah, it's 100% normal for kids like that to act a lot younger.
Im 48 and sleep with little lamp on,but only for last few years since the earthquake. I dont want to wake up in the dark with everything shaking again.
Agreed. OPs parents have handled this appalling but in the kind of circumstances that would lead to a 14 year old boy suddenly needing a new home the right ask should have been op moving to the basement. It's really the only option that works well
yeah, it should have been a- we know this is difficult. uncle needs to be in the upstairs bedroom so you have to be moved to the basement bedroom but you'll get a budget to re-do the room. whatever.
Is it ideal? no.
But presumably this is a situation where uncle is coming into their home due to an emergency family situation and likely needs to be near OP's parents.
Obviously if it was just Uncle's parents are going on vacation for 6 months- yeah, mom and dad can give up their own bedroom if it's that big a deal. But from what OP has said, this isn't a parental vacation- this is something happened, there was trauma, and it's probably better for OP if she's separated from what are bound to be noisy nights.
That doesn't mean OP doesn't get to say- I can make it work not having a bathroom downstairs for 6 months but if it's going to be longer than that, there needs to be a plan. (Cuz yeah, I'm working on the assumption that this was all happening last minutes and the parents were spinning wheels because none of these are decisions most parents would do in ideal situations.)
Getting the basement room was the perk of my older sister’s childhood. The daughter is 17 with a BF over all the time. I would think she would jump on that.
No one has even put lights in there so not much effort to make it a room. Lots of basements have water problems.
If she thought there was an upside to taking the basement she would volunteer.
Not to mention the whole exit issue--does the basement room have an egress window? I mean, in the past, I know people kind of just went ahead with that anyway and thought the chances were too slim to worry about, but it wasn't really ok because the chance of something bad happening was on the order of 'someone will die' bad.
Because the room doesn't even have lighting, I suspect that the room needs some work. It might not even have flooring. But unless the room is a hot mess, I'd still be really tempted to take the basement and maybe try to fix up what I can.
I know -- especially hearing that the parent(s) said we're gonna *make* you use the basement room. I don't know if this is an unheated room, floods frequently, is super tiny, or something that makes it undesirable beyond "someone needs to purchase a lamp or two so there's light in here". Seems like an obvious solution if OP would be happy to be alone in the basement, parents don't care if she's in the basement ... get some paint, a few lamps, and probably some sort of closet-like furniture. Voila two bedrooms!
Right? My late husband and his younger brother battled over the basement bedroom in their new house and as soon as my husband moved out for college Little Bro packed up and moved right on in there. Plus isn't that rooming situation illegal if you're officially taking in a kid? I thought they were required to have their own room.
We took in two foster sons (twins, unrelated to us) when they were 16, and I believe the rule was no more than two to a room. I do think they would've felt differently if they were of differing genders, ignoring the fact that same sex romantic relationships happen. I'm not 100% sure of this because we had enough rooms to give them each their own room.
My sisters fought over who got my old bedroom when I moved out (youngest won). Mine was the farthest from our parents' bedroom, so I didn't usually hear Mom snore like a chainsaw most nights.
It's illegal for those age groups to share a room in England.... Yeah her parents are all kinds of fucked up.
Edit: My apologies, it appears I'm quite wrong on it being illegal. I'll leave it up like a big boy, you may ring your bell and taunt me with shame!
That’s not true. The legislation you’re referring to means that opposite-sex children who are sharing a room past the age of 10 can be considered “overcrowded”. That refers to social housing, it means that family may be eligible for a larger property (not that they’d necessarily get one). There is no UK law which says opposite-sex family members of any age can’t share a bedroom, that’s not something you could legislate for or practicably enforce.
It’s not illegal. I believe social and council housing have a cut of age for mix sex children sharing rooms though. In your own, purchased, home there’s no such guidance.
Mom said being in the basement means being partially isolated from the rest of the house, that’s her reason. I don’t think it’s as bad as she’s making it out to be because whenever I’m in the basement with my friends I can always hear her calling me.
Yeah, your mom is full of crap. When I was a teenager, I had the whole basement to myself. Not just a bedroom. I had a full bathroom and a huge, open plan game room, too. I loved it down there. Not to mention, it was convenient for entertaining the lady friends. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) And like you said, I could clearly hear everything upstairs, including clearly hearing every word of normal conversations in the kitchen (the busiest room of the house, and right at the top of the stairs) I was only as isolated as I wanted to be. At 14, the kid should be happy with anything, really. Too dark? Any LED lamp from the dollar store can solve that. One huge bonus of the basement is that it was easy to heat / warm in winter. And it stayed so cool in summer that it was almost as good as aircon.
If your mom really believes the kid is entitled to an upstairs bedroom, then your mom should be willing to sleep in the basement. If she's not willing to sleep in the basement, then she's wrong to expect her daughter to sleep down there. And she's 1000% wrong to think it's appropriate for two teenagers of the opposite sex to share one room.
After what you described, I would gladly move into the basement, and give my room to the boy, just to make it so cozy down there that he will be jealous of how nice it is down in the basement^^'
Yeah this is a big issue! I get the feeling it's not fixed up at all given how desperate everyone seems to be not to sleep there. But a basement can be great with some reno/decorating. What the parents SHOULD have done, unless there's absolutely zero wiggle room in their budget, is make plans & promises to fix up the basement in some really great way the OP would like & make that the offer if she (voluntarily!!!) gives her room to the boy. Or if she didn't want that offer, they could fix up the room in a way that would tempt the boy instead (including of course good lighting....)
I'm wondering about their basement. No one has bothered to put in lights so it isn't used much. I have to wonder if it has water problems when it rains. Most people with a two bedroom house would finish the basement if it was useable.
same in reverse - I had an upstairs attic for my bedroom. Carpeted, big long room, a landing at the top of the stairs that I used for all my lego AND there was door onto a fenced roof bit that was actually the roof of my parents bedroom.
Teenage \*alone\* time....fap city for so many glorious years. The stairs clearly creaked so there was no sneaking up on me.
I’m reading between the lines here and thinking this boy was in a bad home situation which is why he’s coming to live with his sister. We don’t know why he’s afraid of the dark but at 14, assuming he has no developmental delays, it’s probably abuse. As such, I’d let him have the bedroom and take the basement. It’s going to be a lot easier to sneak your boyfriend in your room when you’re in the basement and they’re in the top floor. OP is a clown for passing on this opportunity.
Not to mention that there's a decent chance with s*xual abuse for the kid to continue to perpetrate it until they've had therapy to handle it. That would just be an unsafe situation to put a 17 year old girl into in the first place if that is the case.
That last paragraph is what makes OP NTA more than anything. Parents trying to force them to do something that they themselves aren't willing to do, to accommodate a decision that they made without her input in the decision making.
OP while you are NTA, maybe the best option is to move to the basement? I understand not wanting a 14yo teenager in your space. But a 14 yo boy still being afraid of dark? It just tells me something is wrong here and he has trauma. He’s your family and nowhere else to go. A little bit of kindness may be appreciated.
Is the room the the basement smaller or in need of some work? Does it have bathroom? Consider your options and negotiate good deal for yourself. But go first to your father as he might be more receptive. Like “I will move to the basement, but I would need new lights/bed/ paint to make it move liveable. Or push for something you always wanted (just be reasonable).
I know you are still a teenager, but just your lesson as the adult. Sometimes you need to compromise. And to be clear your parent ARE AH here.
Edit spelling
I think this is the right move, OP. Put up some wall decorations and string up some fairy lights. Put in a mini fridge. Get some cute bedding. Get a decent tv and/or game system if you think your family can afford it. Cozy tf out of that basement bedroom on your parent’s dime.
On a more generous note, if the basement really is more isolating, it actually is better for you than for him, because he needs the comfort of family after whatever trauma landed him on your doorstep and I’m sure at this point you’d actually like more space. Maybe if you’re feeling up for it, you could actually help him decorate too. There’s no reason you guys need to be enemies right off the bat just because your parents make bad logistical decisions.
This person made a very good point that it may be best for you to approach your father about this. Whatever happened to cause this situation in the first place is probably weighing heavily on your mom.
OP, just move to the basement yourself.
I suspect that your uncle has experienced some type of trauma that they haven't shared with you.
Something is up if he's moving in out of nowhere.
So, I would volunteer to move downstairs.
Also, I would talk with your uncle and apologize for being so stubborn as this sudden change was a shock to your routine.
Basically, show him some empathy as this post screams of unspoken reasons as to why he appeared on his sister's doorstep out of the blue.
Show him some kindness, apologize for your knee jerk reaction, and spend some time with him.
It sounds like he has been traumatized and now he feels further unwanted; give the kid a break.
My two cents.
It kind of sucks that you'd have to be essentially kicked out of your room, but I think it's what I would do. I had a basement room for a while and I actually grew to love it
I picked on that too. But that OPs mom is trying to push her to sort it out for a while. Why couldn’t he sleep in a mattress in the living room for the night, and on OPs parents room? There is more to this than OP is letting us know or she’s being told…
I didn’t say it’s fair. She’s nta here. Buy it’s also not fair to the 14yo. If he’s going to live with his sister and is afraid of dark that something went wrong. And he is family. I said she mind be more kind. And told her to negotiate.
You see, though, that means the parents have to make themselves uncomfortable, and why would they do that when they have a daughter right there to be uncomfortable for them and they get the prize for taking someone in?
It doesn’t seem like the parents care enough to move. So ultimately it’s up to OP and the 14 year old to decide the best setup for them both. If I was OP, id move. Id rather have my privacy and have to move all my stuff.
A 14 year old boy who is afraid of the dark is not always an indicator of trauma. Sometimes soft is soft. I know full blown adults with no major trauma who need some light to sleep. Don’t be quick to pull the trauma card as an excuse for shit behavior
Considering her parents won’t tell her why he has to stay with them and told her not to ask him any questions, I don’t think trauma would be too far out of the realm of possibility
Can I ask why you wouldn't want the basement? If it's well heated and spacious it would be way better for us teens.
I have my partner over a lot too and I love having the attic to myself because then noise isn't an issue. If I had the chance to get a basement room I would take that immediately
It sounds a little dumb but I’ve had the room for years plus it’s nicely decorated and it’s in a really nice spot as well. It just feels unfair. The basement room is fine apart from the lighting and it is a fair bit smaller than my room but I wouldn’t mind, it’s just the fact that I have to give up my room for a stranger.
She still shouldn't have to give up space like this. My parents manipulated me to convince my aunt to move in because she was sick. And the woman ended up taking my room because her furniture wouldn't fit in the smaller room across the hall.
That's dumb. Everything she needed would and could fit in the other room. It's her seniority and entitlement that caused me to be moved not even into the smaller room on its own but it was also the family office. I had to be out by 7am everyday. I was 6. This went on till 14.
My parents put me off to the side since I was 6 so I have only seen them as a bank account after that. I couldn't goto them with my issues or emotional needs. And I gave up my room for someone who was overbearing to me 24/7 in my childhood home.
It's mother's like these that get tossed into a home and forgotten.
I've not cared about mine for years. And I feel all the more free and loved for it. There's no more stress of others I have to take on for the sake of "family".
I’m sorry to read this. From the start it felt like had your parents talk to you, explained the situation, given you the option of the basement with assistance to fix up the space and made this more collaborative it might have helped. I do agree with others that the fear of the dark is likely associated with trauma of a situation not disclosed to you. Hopefully you all can come to a resolution. You are def NTA.
Yeah no completely understandable. Knowing how parents can be tho if you were forced to live in the basement it wouldn't be too bad.
This is just me being positive in case of worse case scenario
I feel it’s more breach of privacy than just being upset to be in another space. Especially at 17 if I was told to go to a spare room for family to sleep in my room over something like a light I’d do the same as op if not more petty behavior. The fact this is mom pushing her sibling on her child and how the parents decided to sleep in the same room instead of themselves going to the basement or fixing it for him just makes it look like they’re trying to make op feel bad for having boundaries.
Girl, get your parents to spring for some lights and new paint. Invite any crafty diy knowledgeable friends and take over the basement. You will have probably a bigger area, and she’ll of a lot more privacy.
OP you’re NTA. But you gotta consider that your “uncle” might have some kind of trauma going on, especially due to his sudden move in.
If I were you, I would consider the compromise of switching rooms. You take the basement, let your uncle take the room you currently have.
I think it’s wildly inappropriate for you to share, given the ages and given the lack of familiarity with each other.
Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd just move my stuff into the basement, if they want to isolate you from the family, then that's on them, it's clearly unreasonable to expect a 17-year-old girl to share a room with a 14-year-old boy. Should you have to move? Absolutely not, but it's the fastest, easiest resolution to the shitty situation your parents are shoving you into.
If nobody's in it, just move your stuff into the basement and enjoy your privacy.
She does not want the boy in a room that's not closely supervised. Maybe she thinks he'll sneak out or do something inappropriate. Are your parents religious?
If you live in the United States, I would suggest you consider contacting a caseworker at Child Protective Services (CPS). They have rules about child placement in the home and, given what you have shared, it is likely there is already a social worker or case worker involved in your uncle's placement.
The responsibility is on your parents to find a solution that allows each of you to have your own safe space. If your parents refuse to do that, they may not be equipped to handle the complexities that come with adding this young man to your family environment (especially a young man who may be dealing with trauma).
If he’s coming from trauma, which sounds likely, she’s probably more worried about nightmares, panic attacks, etc. I’m hesitant to call anyone your age an AH if it’s not really awful, but you certainly aren’t being kind.
Basement for you- annoying to move, more privacy. Basement for him- at best, nobody hears his nightmares, no support. Worst case, is an active trigger. His parent wasn’t “nice” you said. Are we talking locked in dark basements/closets?
Where? And what law?
I think you may be thinking of issues that arise in divorce and custody cases. Sometimes they require separate beds or rooms for the children to help determine who can have custody of them. What is not happening here.
NTA. OP here's an idea, if they don't want him to stay in the dark they can move to the room in the basement and let him have their room. Of course they will say no because God forbid they'd be the ones uncomfortable.
Having teens of opposite genders share a room is a big nono. However there's no reason lights can't be installed in the basement.
Nta -- I wouldn't want a 14 year old boy watching me change, looking at my braless boobs, watching me deal with any female issues that come up. Y'all's age need privacy. 17 year old me would've yelled about how I don't want a pervy teenage boy going though puberty watching me sleep, change or access to my belongings.
Not to mention that it’d probably be pretty uncomfortable for the 14 year old boy too, both for the reason of changing, and also because he’d have to tip-toe around his niece on all those other issues.
If I were him I’d be begging for the basement room (with some strong lamps) the moment I found out.
Right? Not trying to make it weirder than it already is but at 14 boys get a random recurring issue that would make it very embarrassing to be around your 17 year old niece
Hell, when I was 16 I was forced to share a room with a 9 year old of the same sex, even though there was a free room in the garage. I begged to have it so I would have some semblance of privacy but was denied because they thought it would be too easy for me to sneak out. I had never snuck out before and had 0 desire to.
That was so uncomfortable, I can’t imagine how OP must feel in her situation
To clarify, the kid was not my sibling and I didn’t even know her beforehand. Foster situation
I understand that there may be traumatic circumstances about why the uncle is moving in. The optics of putting the boy in the dark basement, away from everyone else, aren’t good.
OP moving into the basement, after it was discussed before and there was time to fix it up, paint, etc would be a better solution. Being told with no notice is understandable, given the circumstances, but not great. Teenagers need privacy and separate rooms. This whole situation should have been handled better by the parents.
NTA
you do not put teenage boy's and girls together to sleep in the same room, especially if one of them is your uncle.
Make it quite clear you will not be allowing your uncle to sleep in your room with you.
Keep saying no and keep locking your door
This answer should be at the top. I am usually all about compromise on this board, but this is an inappropriate situation where there should be no compromise. No playing nice with the parents, no agreeing to move to the basement room. **It is not okay** for a child to be forced to share a room with her uncle when other spaces are available for him. Even in an emergency situation where a family member is put out of their home, it's the parent's job to make the space and accommodations. The uncle should be sleeping on a couch or a foldout bed in the parent's room. Worse that both OP and her uncle are teenagers and complete strangers and her parents are fine with him potentially seeing her in unguarded and private situations. This is abuse.
Its more weird that hes a stranger. I wouldnt emphaises the uncle aspect of it since they obviously dont have an uncle niece relationship. Still weird and shouldnt be happening but ye. Hope she updates
NTA - It is absolutely inappropriate to have opposite sex teenagers share a bedroom, even more so when they do not know each other. If I were you, I would probably say, “Ok. I’ll move to the basement then.” More privacy for you, your mom can’t complain of him being isolated or afraid of the dark, and no strange, teenage boy being foisted into your bedroom with you. Do it. It could be a blessing in disguise. Haha
I don't think it's necessarily inappropriate to have siblings who were raised together share a room if there is no other option. Though it is deeply unfortunate and far from ideal, in a normal and healthy sibling relationship in a normal and healthy family I don't think it's unsafe or 'wrong'.
This situation is disturbing though, I can't FATHOM what her parents are thinking.
I don't think you read the comment you responded to in context, because you're just agreeing with what they said at the end.
The person you're responding to was addressing the absolutism of /u/cstarh408's comment, not suggesting that the boy in this story is a sibling.
They concluded that *this* situation, unlike a sibling situation, is disturbing.
Ask them if they're not comfortable having ur boyfriend over, and is this why they're insisting on having ur uncle chaperone? Or go nuclear and suggest they're trying to create a flowers in the attic situation or that a freaking ight light and walkie talkie could fix his issue
I get why you don’t want to share a room with him. Just out of curiosity: why don’t you move in the basement. Yes you were there first and so on, but it would just be easier you would avoid a lot of fighting and argueing.
ill assume that’s because all her belongings are in her room and she doesn’t know him at all. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving a teenager in full puberty with all my stuff when it’s supposed to be MY room
Why should OP have to move room? It's been her home longer than it's been Alex's. There's plenty of way to get light into the basement, like brighter bulbs for existing fittings, some nice bright lamps, night lights, glow in the dark stars, luminscent strips, light emitting fixtures, a mirror or two to reflect light etc. There's plenty of ways to get creative with it and Alex getting to fit out his own space might make him feel more at home.
Plus, OP is 17 and likely a year or so off going to uni, possibly moving out of the house to do so. If Alex needs her room there can be then to do it.
There is also the question of why OP has never met Alex, suggesting her mother doesn't have a close relationship with OP's maternal grandparents or she'd have met Alex before now. Moving into the room of your niece, who you don't know and is several years older than you would be awkward at the very least.
I think they’re just wondering, because at 17 if the basement room is fully enclosed that they would rather be there instead of in a bedroom by their parents because I know I would’ve. It is still messed up of the parents to try to force her to share a room when they’re the ones deciding to let the 14-year-old come over
>Plus, OP is 17 and likely a year or so off going to uni, possibly moving out of the house to do so. If Alex needs her room there can be then to do it.
That is assuming she moves out for uni. Which very much isn't a guarantee. If she stays living at home, she definitely needs a room to herself so she can study in peace
I had parents like this. It was easier to just give in (move to the basement) than fight a protracted war with someone who had the authority and patience to make my life miserable. Sucks, but it is what it is. They wonder why we aren’t close lol.
I could, and I did consider it. But isn’t it unfair? The upstairs bedroom has been my room since I was little and I’ve decorated it and everything as well. I guess I am being selfish.
It's not selfish, and it definitely would be unfair to you, but it might also be the best choice in this situation. The fact that your uncle is choosing to share a room with your parents rather than get his own room in the basement suggests there's more going on here that needs to he accounted for. It sounds like your parents may be in a situation with no good choices, and putting him in your room is the best one they can make.
Talk to your parents calmly, and try to understand why they're so insistent on this. It may be that there are things they can't tell you due to privacy concerns, but they should be able to give you a general idea of what's really going on.
Or maybe they're normally uncommicative and tyrannical in their parenting style, in which case just hold your ground for as long as you want to fight.
I’m getting “missing reasons” vibes here. Not in a bad way on the OP but in a “we don’t want to tell you everything” way. A 14 year old so scared of the dark that they choose to sleep in their adult siblings room? The rapid move in? Where is OPs grandparents in this and why has this kid been sent to his siblings? There could have been abuse that resulted in uncle being placed in parents custody here. I could understand parents being adamant to comfort uncle during this very traumatic situation.
That’s not to say it’s okay to force OP to have a 14 year old boy in her room. It’s not fair to OP but moving to the basement does sound like the best option.
I’m just playing devils advocate here and inputting suspicions in the gaps of information. I could be way off base.
then he can sleep in the parents room. no reason to make your 17 year old daughter share her room with her 14 year old uncle, and no reason to make your daughter move rooms.
I totally agree with you. It would be super unfair, but given that your parents already seem to not hold your comfort in high regard in this specific scenario, I feel like you may be forced to choose between the basement or sharing your current room, so maybe you could get ahead of it and make it work in your favor? Maybe tell them you're willing to move but you would like to be given a budget to alter the basement to more suit your needs? Take the chance to create someone you may not have been able to do upstairs?
For what it's worth though, the fact that there isn't a light (I assume this means an overhead light on the ceiling) is such a cop-out of an excuse. It would be one thing if he was wary of being in a basement because some people find them spooky. But lack of light? Come on.
I like to be petty sometimes, so I would be tempted to get a bunch of super cool light fixtures set up down there. When I was a teenager, I would have LOVED having a room that was isolated from the rest of the house, versus being across the hallway from my parents. To each their own though!
It IS unfair.
But, please consider that this 14 year old kid has been removed from his family, due to things that are too traumatic to ask him about. There’s probably a good reason he would rather sleep in your parents room than a room in the basement on his own. He’s going through something very rough right now. That’s also unfair isn’t it?
I’m sorry it really sounds like your parents haven’t adequately explained it to you and went all hard ass and put you on the defensive immediately. So I totally get your reaction. I think they’re just going through something really stressful right now and have a lot on their plates and aren’t handling it as well as they could.
She shouldn’t , but because she doesn’t have the power here people are offering workable solutions. It’s absolutely wrong of her parents to insist she share a room with her 14 year old male relative who is a complete stranger, but ultimately her parents control the home. So if OP would take the basement room it would at least give her privacy.
Putting him in the basement, after possible traumatic reasons for him moving in, could be seen like they don’t care and are making him sleep next to the boxed up summer stuff and old clothes. Like Harry Potter sleeping in a cupboard under the stairs.
But the whole situation should have been handled better.
So why dont they offer to sleep in the basement and give him their room? :) thats what good parents would do. Not put their daughter at risk of being creeped on…
I'm also wondering how OP hasn't ever met her uncle in the 14 years he's been alive for, and if Alex isn't close enough to OP's mom to have met her... how come he's close enough to move in with her?
I agree. I'm not sure how much of it OP knows herself but we do need more context. Also, OP is NTA. Teenagers of opposite genders need privacy and should not be sharing rooms- even twin siblings M and F too. A girl needs her own space where periods and changing is concerned. A boy needs privacy too.
If Alex has been forcibly removed from parental care (and I am assuming due to lack of context)... he will need more privacy due to possible trauma. If he gets PTSD nightmares, then sharing with OP will affect her sleep, too.
I’m not entirely sure if I’m being honest. My parents won’t tell me anything except don’t ask him any questions. I can only guess and I’d rather not do that.
If your parents aren’t telling you and telling you not to ask him, he went through something really bad and they are trying to protect you from that. You’re NTA for the way you feel but you need to look at this from your mom’s point of view. I’m guessing since you’ve never met this kid before that your mom doesn’t have a relationship with her parents and there’s a reason for that. Taking her brother in is probably triggering a lot of bad feelings for her. She’s trying to save her brother probably from whatever trauma she went through. Throwing that poor kid in the basement isolated from everyone would possibly make a bad situation worse. Personally I would have loved a basement room as a teenager
Not protecting to well tho cause they are trying to force her to share a room with him. That could be dangerous too depending on the trauma, they should be thinking of her and her safety as well, it’s all very suspicious
Yeah we don't know if his moral compas is all messed up and he no longer knows right from wrong.
OP doesn't know either.
Parents probably doesn't know either.
Absolutely not fair or safe to put OP in this position.
Even if the concerns prove to be unjust (that he is a good kid that no one needs to worry about) the stress and anxiety about "what if" is an unjust load to bear. Especially for a teenager who has all other sorts of stuff to worry about. Feeling unsafe in your own home is wrong so NTA
Your parents are probably very stressed about Alex moving in. Your mom especially might be dealing with some really complicated emotions (maybe guilt for not protecting Alex, or for not being in his life until now, etc. Obviously hard to say without any info). They're taking this stress out on you, and it's unfair and it sucks and their way of handling it is honestly pretty dumb... But maybe try to give them a little grace while they're figuring this situation out. Especially if they don't normally treat you like this.
And try to think about how things might be from Alex's POV too. He's in a new house with family he doesn't know, sleeping on the floor... I'm guessing he needed to be pulled out of his old school, he's away from his friends. If he's been through something really bad, he might feel pretty crummy to then be put in the basement where he's scared of the dark/is uncomfortable.
Try to find a moment where you can sit down with your parents and talk about your concerns. Avoid framing it like "this sucks and is unfair", and instead be like "I feel very uncomfortable sharing a room with a teenage boy I don't know, because ___"... But if he's staying long term and isn't comfortable with the basement, it might make everyone more sane if you take the basement.
NTA. Your parents are very, very strange to want a 14-year-old uncle to be sharing a bedroom with a 17-year-old niece.
If they're determined to evict you from your room to let your uncle have it, I'm afraid they probably can. though. Is he coming to stay permanently/indefinitely, like til he's 18? If it's temporary, like for a few nights, then absolutely, your parents can be the ones inconvenienced by a mattress and a teenage boy in their room. If this is a long-term arrangement, you should probably try to get all the leverage you can to make the basement a good place for you to have as your own room. With a lock.
Why does everyone keep framing this as though it matters that he's her uncle? He's 14, she's his senior. Technically he's an uncle, but that has no real bearing on the relationship. I guarantee he doesn't look at her like his niece.
Honey, lemme explain. It would be just as weird if she was his aunt, or if they were cousins. put a teenage boy and a teenage girl to share a bedroom. Maybe if (a) it's strictly temporary AND (b) they're brother and sister brought up together and they both are genuinely okay with giving each other privacy - BUT: the point is not "he's her uncle!" it's that he is a 14-year-old boy and she is a 17-year-old girl and FURTHERMORE they're closely related.
No, your the one missing it and stating their point. Its off regardless, but plenty of post are highlighting the Uncle part. One post even says it would be one thing if it was a cousin but it her uncle...Nope biggest issue is he is a teenage stranger, no matter how they are related.
NTA. Your parents are asking something very strange of you. What 17 y/o is cool with giving up their room and privacy for a 14 y/o when there is another option? More than one, actually, your parents can share their room, they can move into the basement, Alex can be gifted a nice lamp and go to the basement....
I am curious about Alex's ideas and opinions though. I mean, most 14 y/o's prefer to have their own space. For lots of reasons, including a lot of wanking. Naturally they prefer to have some privacy. Same way you want privacy.
Yes, I expect Alex is mortified at the idea too.
Although if he's moving in with OP's parents permanently, presumably some bad shit has gone down for him
Why isn't there anywhere else for him to go? What is going on with his Father and Mother? It sounds like your Mum knows a lot more than she's telling you. Ask her for the full story as something has made her quite frustrated here.
> something has made her quite frustrated
Presumably some serious shit has gone down in Alex's life, they're scrambling frantically to help, and this is a complication they really don't need right now.
Still not good enough. Maybe for a couple of nights but not long term.
NTA. Go to school and tell your guidance counselor that you are upset and uncomfortable about this arrangement. Specifically state that you don't want to share sleeping arrangements with your uncle.
They are a mandated reporter, but it is also likely that they will discuss the matter with your parents first before escalating it. Once your parents realize that someone who is in a position to get involved is aware of the situation, they will most likely come up with a solution that has you sleeping separately.
This is a hill to choose to die on.
I get that Alex would not be moving in unless some catastrophe has occurred to him, and that your parents are going frantic trying to help, and that they really don't need this crap right now, but even so.... No.
You do NOT make unrelated teenage girls and teenage boys live together in the same room. In my country that would literally be illegal.
This is — no exaggeration — a "Call CPS" issue.
Go nuclear. Scream. Lock the door. Even call the *Police* if he comes in, if necessary. They need to understand how IMMENSELY wrong this is.
Also he's old enough to sleep in the dark or buy his own lamp. And anyway, however much trauma he is going through right now, HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY OR PROBLEM.
NTA
Good luck.
Have you tried talking to the kid about it? Something tells me he's probably not keen on sharing a bedroom with you either if he doesn't have to, that kind of extreme lack of privacy would be hell on a 14-y/o.
NTA, you're not in the wrong but I bet you could solve this all with a little communication. In either case, your mom sucks.
NTA. Source: I teach sex ed to kids these ages. Gross is written all over. Hormones make all of this bad. 4 & 7 is completely different than 14 & 17. Try to explain to your parents at this age it is not appropriate and you feel like everyone involved is invading your privacy.
Also, I’d be petty as hell on this one. He moves into that room, the whole basement becomes yours. Even better if it is finished and there is a bathroom down there. You keep it clean and there is no reason for your parents to visit either.
Let’s talk about that bf being in your room….be smart and safe. Even if you aren’t sexually active, things can get weird. If you have questions, let me know. I’ll answer anything.
>Let’s talk about that bf being in your room…
How about let's not creep on the (noadays complete and uttlery normal and healthy) sex life of a 17yo stranger without any indication that she needs guidance or safety advice?
EDIT: I also find sex-ed for 17yos weird. Sex ed should be long done at 17. 17yos should study more advanced academic biology, "how do I avoid getting pregnant" should happen at least 5 years earlier.
You parents don't sound too bright, if they expect a 14 male and a 17 female to sleep in the same room. Would your parents be happy with your boyfriend sleeping in the same room?
NTA. No way your parents should be putting a 14 year old boy in with a 17 year old girl. It is highly inappropriate at these ages. Even my 12 year old son does not share a room, on vacation, with any of his older sisters unless the room has separate living room with roll away bed… and this is for siblings who grew up together. Your parents should be ashamed asking you to bunk with a complete stranger at your age, especially of opposite gender. I would, though, think they would have tried figuring all this out much sooner and if 14 year old can’t sleep in the basement, figuring out a way that they could fix up said basement in a way that you would want to switch rooms.
Please don't make generalizations like this. Every state in the US has completely different laws. I'm an attorney and I wouldn't presume to know the laws of the other 49. If you're not an attorney at all, you probably shouldn't either.
This is a major problem in this subreddit, people are always making generalizations about the law without being which jurisdiction they're in. Probably the biggest misconception people have here is about eviction laws. Every time there is a post here about kicking someone out of their home, I roll my eyes at all of the armchair legal experts who come out parroting the same wrong legal "advice."
I’m a foster parent and even different counties can have different rules around this. In mine, up to 4 siblings of any sex and age can share a room. Non-siblings have different rules. In other counties in my state, the limit is 3 to a room. It’s all much more variable than the internet makes people think.
I agree you should not share a room with your kid uncle. However you need to take the basement.
Sorry but this kid is being entirely displaced from his former home.
NTA.
But the only solution is to move in the basement. Maybe start to move all your stuff when they aren’t home. To be real if it is more isolated it only means you have more privacy.
The obvious solution is for your parents to fix up the basement room and make it a nice space for the boy. Just shoving a mattress in with you makes it seem like your parents don't really want him and are doing the bare minimum. I feel sorry for both you and the boy. Your parents are the AH.
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NTA and your parents are very strange to insist in housing a 14 year old boy with a 17 year old girl. How are either of you going to be comfortable in that setup???
And that’s her UNCLE AT THAT! I’d be weirded out by that too! I mean… I’ve been a teenager and I know how boys can be! And she doesn’t even know him. That’s not a big ask to make sure that she still feels safe!
I have a niece who’s 1.5 years older and another whose 8 months younger than me. My (half)brother is 20 years older. The girls always felt more like cousins since most of my cousins are at least a decade older than I am. Edit: lots of people think I’m referring to the boy and OP being like cousins. I’m not I’m just stating that because my dad had me at 40 my brothers children felt more like cousins TOO ME.
Absolutely NO, he can sleep in the basement
Right? Why do they have a spare room with no lighting in it anyway? Even my CLOSETS are lit.
Can confirm. This person's closets are off the chain.
🤣
Sounds great honestly.
Some places are built stupid. My apartment has a living room with kitchenette, a bathroom, and a bedroom with a small walk-in closet. The closet has built in lighting. The bedroom doesn't. Why does my bedroom not have any lights? It's baffling. I have to use screens and desk lamps to see. There's a lightswitch right next to the door, but it doesn't do anything. It doesn't even correspond to any of the outlets.
One day the outlets in the room is wired to the switch on the wall It’s for a lamp
I have a spare room with ‘split’ outlets — the top outlet in each pair is controlled by wall switches, while the other outlet is always on. Maybe check if you have a similar setup.
Let him sleep in the parents room. This is a better idea.
Put the parents in the basement.
They could just out the mattress in the living room upstairs if he’s so afraid of the basement.
Or even the living room! If he's scared of the dark. But it's very unnecessary to put him to sleep even in OP's parents' room.
Since this is the first time meeting him, they’re not even like cousins more like strangers.
My niece is the same age as me and my sisters are 20/30 years older than me, my oldest niece is about 10/20 years older than me with 3 kids. All on my dad's side. It's weird.
I mean it’s uncle in name only, it’s more like a step brother in that sense.
I mean, it’s her mother’s brother. No matter how you cut it, it’s her uncle.
Yeah but not in a way where "that's her UNCLE!" makes any kind of sense as some extra bad thing, which is what they were replying to. He's not an adult with power over her, he's functionally her cousin so freaking out over the uncle thing makes no sense.
It's the fact that he is related to her, yet they are teenagers who don't have a sense of "family," that is the problem. Having two teens sleeping in the same room is a recipe for disaster unless you're Hapsburg royalty back in the old days. OP does not feel safe. The parents are a couple of morons. At 17 she could just leave, and if her parents sent the police after her, tell them Mom and Dad want her to sleep in the same room as a 14 year old boy. Her parents could see exactly how far that would fly. I think it would go over like a lead balloon. Personally, I probably would take the basement room if it was at all liveable and move out ASAP after turning 18.
I mean, to be fair, it was pretty much a disaster for the Hapsburg royalty as well.
I am going to add in here that the 14 year old boy is also very strange, because I can't think of a better room to have as a 14 year old than a whole basement.
A 14 year old doesn’t suddenly move in with someone who’s not their parent for shits and giggles. If something traumatic happened he may not want to feel alone/isolated in the basement. ETA: if anyone else replies to this saying something along the lines of “that doesn’t mean he gets to sleep in OP’s room!!1!1!1!1!” I will respond only with Gordon Ramsey idiot sandwich gifs. 💛 Pointing out that this boy may not just be “very strange” for no reason in no way advocates for him to share a room with OP.
But even with that being true, putting a fourteen-year-old, male stranger (the legal relationship is irrelevant) in with a seventeen-year-old female is not acceptable. Fourteen-year-old boys are just beginning puberty. They need their own space to work through all that entails. The seventeen-year-old girl is towards the tail end of puberty. She has her own things to work through, and has every right to have a safe space to do it in. I commend the parents for stepping up and giving this young man a home, but by agreeing to take him in, they assumed a responsbility to create a comfortable and safe space for both children. The young man should stay in the parent's room while they work with him to customize the basement bedroom. Let him pick a paint color, some furniture, posters, LAMPS, and then move him in when he is ready. Their daughter should not be forced to give up her safe space during this emotional and difficult transition. The parents are the AH for wanting to displace their daughter, and for putting the boy in a situation that makes him feel unwanted.
Yes. He can sleep in the parents’ room if he has to have someone there. They cannot put that on their teenage daughter.
Not for nothing, he's also scared of the dark at 14. Something's off.
Mom "says" he's scared of the dark. The whole thing is odd.
I’m 35 and I wouldn’t want to be in some scary dark basement.
Get a grip?
The fact he has to suddenly move in with his older sister and her family definitely points to the fact he's likely at suffering some sort of family crisis or abuse. And yeah, it's 100% normal for kids like that to act a lot younger.
Im 48 and sleep with little lamp on,but only for last few years since the earthquake. I dont want to wake up in the dark with everything shaking again.
Well he can sleep with his sister then
So the mom and her brother move to the basement (with a *lamp*) and life is good again. Problem solved.
Counterpoint, being a 17 year old girl with a boyfriend, having the whole basement to yourself sounds even better.
Agreed. OPs parents have handled this appalling but in the kind of circumstances that would lead to a 14 year old boy suddenly needing a new home the right ask should have been op moving to the basement. It's really the only option that works well
yeah, it should have been a- we know this is difficult. uncle needs to be in the upstairs bedroom so you have to be moved to the basement bedroom but you'll get a budget to re-do the room. whatever.
Yes exactly! Make them BOTH feel respected and safe in the home.
They're tossing mattresses on the floor, not sure a budget to re-do anything is happening.
So kick a 17-year-old out of her childhood bedroom to a basement with no bathroom…because she suddenly doesn’t count?
Is it ideal? no. But presumably this is a situation where uncle is coming into their home due to an emergency family situation and likely needs to be near OP's parents. Obviously if it was just Uncle's parents are going on vacation for 6 months- yeah, mom and dad can give up their own bedroom if it's that big a deal. But from what OP has said, this isn't a parental vacation- this is something happened, there was trauma, and it's probably better for OP if she's separated from what are bound to be noisy nights. That doesn't mean OP doesn't get to say- I can make it work not having a bathroom downstairs for 6 months but if it's going to be longer than that, there needs to be a plan. (Cuz yeah, I'm working on the assumption that this was all happening last minutes and the parents were spinning wheels because none of these are decisions most parents would do in ideal situations.)
Getting the basement room was the perk of my older sister’s childhood. The daughter is 17 with a BF over all the time. I would think she would jump on that.
No one has even put lights in there so not much effort to make it a room. Lots of basements have water problems. If she thought there was an upside to taking the basement she would volunteer.
Not to mention the whole exit issue--does the basement room have an egress window? I mean, in the past, I know people kind of just went ahead with that anyway and thought the chances were too slim to worry about, but it wasn't really ok because the chance of something bad happening was on the order of 'someone will die' bad.
Because the room doesn't even have lighting, I suspect that the room needs some work. It might not even have flooring. But unless the room is a hot mess, I'd still be really tempted to take the basement and maybe try to fix up what I can.
I know -- especially hearing that the parent(s) said we're gonna *make* you use the basement room. I don't know if this is an unheated room, floods frequently, is super tiny, or something that makes it undesirable beyond "someone needs to purchase a lamp or two so there's light in here". Seems like an obvious solution if OP would be happy to be alone in the basement, parents don't care if she's in the basement ... get some paint, a few lamps, and probably some sort of closet-like furniture. Voila two bedrooms!
Right? My late husband and his younger brother battled over the basement bedroom in their new house and as soon as my husband moved out for college Little Bro packed up and moved right on in there. Plus isn't that rooming situation illegal if you're officially taking in a kid? I thought they were required to have their own room.
She can call cps. They have it sorted out by the morning.
We took in two foster sons (twins, unrelated to us) when they were 16, and I believe the rule was no more than two to a room. I do think they would've felt differently if they were of differing genders, ignoring the fact that same sex romantic relationships happen. I'm not 100% sure of this because we had enough rooms to give them each their own room.
They also cannot be of opposite sexes after a certain age, and they have to be siblings, depending on the state.
My sisters fought over who got my old bedroom when I moved out (youngest won). Mine was the farthest from our parents' bedroom, so I didn't usually hear Mom snore like a chainsaw most nights.
It's illegal for those age groups to share a room in England.... Yeah her parents are all kinds of fucked up. Edit: My apologies, it appears I'm quite wrong on it being illegal. I'll leave it up like a big boy, you may ring your bell and taunt me with shame!
That’s not true. The legislation you’re referring to means that opposite-sex children who are sharing a room past the age of 10 can be considered “overcrowded”. That refers to social housing, it means that family may be eligible for a larger property (not that they’d necessarily get one). There is no UK law which says opposite-sex family members of any age can’t share a bedroom, that’s not something you could legislate for or practicably enforce.
They can share if they're siblings, not if one is a foster placement.
Not illegal per se but it would be statutory overcrowding.
It’s not illegal. I believe social and council housing have a cut of age for mix sex children sharing rooms though. In your own, purchased, home there’s no such guidance.
Their plan is abusive. Tell them to sleep in the basement. NTA
NTA. Why can't your parents sleep in the basement?
Mom said being in the basement means being partially isolated from the rest of the house, that’s her reason. I don’t think it’s as bad as she’s making it out to be because whenever I’m in the basement with my friends I can always hear her calling me.
Yeah, your mom is full of crap. When I was a teenager, I had the whole basement to myself. Not just a bedroom. I had a full bathroom and a huge, open plan game room, too. I loved it down there. Not to mention, it was convenient for entertaining the lady friends. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) And like you said, I could clearly hear everything upstairs, including clearly hearing every word of normal conversations in the kitchen (the busiest room of the house, and right at the top of the stairs) I was only as isolated as I wanted to be. At 14, the kid should be happy with anything, really. Too dark? Any LED lamp from the dollar store can solve that. One huge bonus of the basement is that it was easy to heat / warm in winter. And it stayed so cool in summer that it was almost as good as aircon. If your mom really believes the kid is entitled to an upstairs bedroom, then your mom should be willing to sleep in the basement. If she's not willing to sleep in the basement, then she's wrong to expect her daughter to sleep down there. And she's 1000% wrong to think it's appropriate for two teenagers of the opposite sex to share one room.
After what you described, I would gladly move into the basement, and give my room to the boy, just to make it so cozy down there that he will be jealous of how nice it is down in the basement^^'
You don’t really know what their basement looks like though
Yeah this is a big issue! I get the feeling it's not fixed up at all given how desperate everyone seems to be not to sleep there. But a basement can be great with some reno/decorating. What the parents SHOULD have done, unless there's absolutely zero wiggle room in their budget, is make plans & promises to fix up the basement in some really great way the OP would like & make that the offer if she (voluntarily!!!) gives her room to the boy. Or if she didn't want that offer, they could fix up the room in a way that would tempt the boy instead (including of course good lighting....)
I'm wondering about their basement. No one has bothered to put in lights so it isn't used much. I have to wonder if it has water problems when it rains. Most people with a two bedroom house would finish the basement if it was useable.
We don't, but she and her friends already hang out down there, so how bad could it be?
same in reverse - I had an upstairs attic for my bedroom. Carpeted, big long room, a landing at the top of the stairs that I used for all my lego AND there was door onto a fenced roof bit that was actually the roof of my parents bedroom. Teenage \*alone\* time....fap city for so many glorious years. The stairs clearly creaked so there was no sneaking up on me.
I’m reading between the lines here and thinking this boy was in a bad home situation which is why he’s coming to live with his sister. We don’t know why he’s afraid of the dark but at 14, assuming he has no developmental delays, it’s probably abuse. As such, I’d let him have the bedroom and take the basement. It’s going to be a lot easier to sneak your boyfriend in your room when you’re in the basement and they’re in the top floor. OP is a clown for passing on this opportunity.
Not to mention that there's a decent chance with s*xual abuse for the kid to continue to perpetrate it until they've had therapy to handle it. That would just be an unsafe situation to put a 17 year old girl into in the first place if that is the case.
That last paragraph is what makes OP NTA more than anything. Parents trying to force them to do something that they themselves aren't willing to do, to accommodate a decision that they made without her input in the decision making.
OP while you are NTA, maybe the best option is to move to the basement? I understand not wanting a 14yo teenager in your space. But a 14 yo boy still being afraid of dark? It just tells me something is wrong here and he has trauma. He’s your family and nowhere else to go. A little bit of kindness may be appreciated. Is the room the the basement smaller or in need of some work? Does it have bathroom? Consider your options and negotiate good deal for yourself. But go first to your father as he might be more receptive. Like “I will move to the basement, but I would need new lights/bed/ paint to make it move liveable. Or push for something you always wanted (just be reasonable). I know you are still a teenager, but just your lesson as the adult. Sometimes you need to compromise. And to be clear your parent ARE AH here. Edit spelling
You have a point. I suppose there’s no harm in being kind. I’ll think about it. Thank you :)
I think this is the right move, OP. Put up some wall decorations and string up some fairy lights. Put in a mini fridge. Get some cute bedding. Get a decent tv and/or game system if you think your family can afford it. Cozy tf out of that basement bedroom on your parent’s dime. On a more generous note, if the basement really is more isolating, it actually is better for you than for him, because he needs the comfort of family after whatever trauma landed him on your doorstep and I’m sure at this point you’d actually like more space. Maybe if you’re feeling up for it, you could actually help him decorate too. There’s no reason you guys need to be enemies right off the bat just because your parents make bad logistical decisions.
This person made a very good point that it may be best for you to approach your father about this. Whatever happened to cause this situation in the first place is probably weighing heavily on your mom.
OP, just move to the basement yourself. I suspect that your uncle has experienced some type of trauma that they haven't shared with you. Something is up if he's moving in out of nowhere. So, I would volunteer to move downstairs. Also, I would talk with your uncle and apologize for being so stubborn as this sudden change was a shock to your routine. Basically, show him some empathy as this post screams of unspoken reasons as to why he appeared on his sister's doorstep out of the blue. Show him some kindness, apologize for your knee jerk reaction, and spend some time with him. It sounds like he has been traumatized and now he feels further unwanted; give the kid a break. My two cents.
It kind of sucks that you'd have to be essentially kicked out of your room, but I think it's what I would do. I had a basement room for a while and I actually grew to love it
I picked on that too. But that OPs mom is trying to push her to sort it out for a while. Why couldn’t he sleep in a mattress in the living room for the night, and on OPs parents room? There is more to this than OP is letting us know or she’s being told…
These people never heard of sleeping on a couch while they sort things out? It sounds like this came up pretty suddenly so everyone take a breath.
Naaa, it’s not fair for her to rearrange her whole living situation for a kid she doesn’t know while her parents refuse to accommodate.
I didn’t say it’s fair. She’s nta here. Buy it’s also not fair to the 14yo. If he’s going to live with his sister and is afraid of dark that something went wrong. And he is family. I said she mind be more kind. And told her to negotiate.
PARENTS can move to the basement. If parents room has an ensuite, give it to OP if OP wants it. 14 yo gets OP's old room. IMHO.
You see, though, that means the parents have to make themselves uncomfortable, and why would they do that when they have a daughter right there to be uncomfortable for them and they get the prize for taking someone in?
It doesn’t seem like the parents care enough to move. So ultimately it’s up to OP and the 14 year old to decide the best setup for them both. If I was OP, id move. Id rather have my privacy and have to move all my stuff.
A 14 year old boy who is afraid of the dark is not always an indicator of trauma. Sometimes soft is soft. I know full blown adults with no major trauma who need some light to sleep. Don’t be quick to pull the trauma card as an excuse for shit behavior
Considering her parents won’t tell her why he has to stay with them and told her not to ask him any questions, I don’t think trauma would be too far out of the realm of possibility
Can I ask why you wouldn't want the basement? If it's well heated and spacious it would be way better for us teens. I have my partner over a lot too and I love having the attic to myself because then noise isn't an issue. If I had the chance to get a basement room I would take that immediately
It sounds a little dumb but I’ve had the room for years plus it’s nicely decorated and it’s in a really nice spot as well. It just feels unfair. The basement room is fine apart from the lighting and it is a fair bit smaller than my room but I wouldn’t mind, it’s just the fact that I have to give up my room for a stranger.
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She still shouldn't have to give up space like this. My parents manipulated me to convince my aunt to move in because she was sick. And the woman ended up taking my room because her furniture wouldn't fit in the smaller room across the hall. That's dumb. Everything she needed would and could fit in the other room. It's her seniority and entitlement that caused me to be moved not even into the smaller room on its own but it was also the family office. I had to be out by 7am everyday. I was 6. This went on till 14. My parents put me off to the side since I was 6 so I have only seen them as a bank account after that. I couldn't goto them with my issues or emotional needs. And I gave up my room for someone who was overbearing to me 24/7 in my childhood home. It's mother's like these that get tossed into a home and forgotten. I've not cared about mine for years. And I feel all the more free and loved for it. There's no more stress of others I have to take on for the sake of "family".
I’m sorry to read this. From the start it felt like had your parents talk to you, explained the situation, given you the option of the basement with assistance to fix up the space and made this more collaborative it might have helped. I do agree with others that the fear of the dark is likely associated with trauma of a situation not disclosed to you. Hopefully you all can come to a resolution. You are def NTA.
Yeah no completely understandable. Knowing how parents can be tho if you were forced to live in the basement it wouldn't be too bad. This is just me being positive in case of worse case scenario
I feel it’s more breach of privacy than just being upset to be in another space. Especially at 17 if I was told to go to a spare room for family to sleep in my room over something like a light I’d do the same as op if not more petty behavior. The fact this is mom pushing her sibling on her child and how the parents decided to sleep in the same room instead of themselves going to the basement or fixing it for him just makes it look like they’re trying to make op feel bad for having boundaries.
I completely agree with you. I was just wondering why OP wouldn't want a basement
Girl, get your parents to spring for some lights and new paint. Invite any crafty diy knowledgeable friends and take over the basement. You will have probably a bigger area, and she’ll of a lot more privacy.
OP you’re NTA. But you gotta consider that your “uncle” might have some kind of trauma going on, especially due to his sudden move in. If I were you, I would consider the compromise of switching rooms. You take the basement, let your uncle take the room you currently have. I think it’s wildly inappropriate for you to share, given the ages and given the lack of familiarity with each other.
Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd just move my stuff into the basement, if they want to isolate you from the family, then that's on them, it's clearly unreasonable to expect a 17-year-old girl to share a room with a 14-year-old boy. Should you have to move? Absolutely not, but it's the fastest, easiest resolution to the shitty situation your parents are shoving you into. If nobody's in it, just move your stuff into the basement and enjoy your privacy.
She does not want the boy in a room that's not closely supervised. Maybe she thinks he'll sneak out or do something inappropriate. Are your parents religious?
That makes sense. And no my parents aren’t religious at all.
If you live in the United States, I would suggest you consider contacting a caseworker at Child Protective Services (CPS). They have rules about child placement in the home and, given what you have shared, it is likely there is already a social worker or case worker involved in your uncle's placement. The responsibility is on your parents to find a solution that allows each of you to have your own safe space. If your parents refuse to do that, they may not be equipped to handle the complexities that come with adding this young man to your family environment (especially a young man who may be dealing with trauma).
If he’s coming from trauma, which sounds likely, she’s probably more worried about nightmares, panic attacks, etc. I’m hesitant to call anyone your age an AH if it’s not really awful, but you certainly aren’t being kind. Basement for you- annoying to move, more privacy. Basement for him- at best, nobody hears his nightmares, no support. Worst case, is an active trigger. His parent wasn’t “nice” you said. Are we talking locked in dark basements/closets?
If you're in the US it's not even legal for yall to sleep in the same room
Where? And what law? I think you may be thinking of issues that arise in divorce and custody cases. Sometimes they require separate beds or rooms for the children to help determine who can have custody of them. What is not happening here.
EDIT I was wrong.
Even related teens if opposite genders as here. Although that's only for social housing not if private rental/owned.
NTA. OP here's an idea, if they don't want him to stay in the dark they can move to the room in the basement and let him have their room. Of course they will say no because God forbid they'd be the ones uncomfortable. Having teens of opposite genders share a room is a big nono. However there's no reason lights can't be installed in the basement.
Why don't you take the basement? If it's not that bad, no one should have an issue with it. Like, yeah, it's BS but so is a lot of life.
Nta -- I wouldn't want a 14 year old boy watching me change, looking at my braless boobs, watching me deal with any female issues that come up. Y'all's age need privacy. 17 year old me would've yelled about how I don't want a pervy teenage boy going though puberty watching me sleep, change or access to my belongings.
This. //A person that once was a 14 year old boy.
Not to mention that it’d probably be pretty uncomfortable for the 14 year old boy too, both for the reason of changing, and also because he’d have to tip-toe around his niece on all those other issues. If I were him I’d be begging for the basement room (with some strong lamps) the moment I found out.
Right? Not trying to make it weirder than it already is but at 14 boys get a random recurring issue that would make it very embarrassing to be around your 17 year old niece
Hell, when I was 16 I was forced to share a room with a 9 year old of the same sex, even though there was a free room in the garage. I begged to have it so I would have some semblance of privacy but was denied because they thought it would be too easy for me to sneak out. I had never snuck out before and had 0 desire to. That was so uncomfortable, I can’t imagine how OP must feel in her situation To clarify, the kid was not my sibling and I didn’t even know her beforehand. Foster situation
Hell, as a 14 yo guy I also wouldn't have wanted to sleep in the same room as a 17 yo regardless of gender, let alone a girl.
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With the added awkwardness of him being her uncle on top of all of that
I understand that there may be traumatic circumstances about why the uncle is moving in. The optics of putting the boy in the dark basement, away from everyone else, aren’t good. OP moving into the basement, after it was discussed before and there was time to fix it up, paint, etc would be a better solution. Being told with no notice is understandable, given the circumstances, but not great. Teenagers need privacy and separate rooms. This whole situation should have been handled better by the parents.
NTA you do not put teenage boy's and girls together to sleep in the same room, especially if one of them is your uncle. Make it quite clear you will not be allowing your uncle to sleep in your room with you. Keep saying no and keep locking your door
This answer should be at the top. I am usually all about compromise on this board, but this is an inappropriate situation where there should be no compromise. No playing nice with the parents, no agreeing to move to the basement room. **It is not okay** for a child to be forced to share a room with her uncle when other spaces are available for him. Even in an emergency situation where a family member is put out of their home, it's the parent's job to make the space and accommodations. The uncle should be sleeping on a couch or a foldout bed in the parent's room. Worse that both OP and her uncle are teenagers and complete strangers and her parents are fine with him potentially seeing her in unguarded and private situations. This is abuse.
Its more weird that hes a stranger. I wouldnt emphaises the uncle aspect of it since they obviously dont have an uncle niece relationship. Still weird and shouldnt be happening but ye. Hope she updates
NTA - It is absolutely inappropriate to have opposite sex teenagers share a bedroom, even more so when they do not know each other. If I were you, I would probably say, “Ok. I’ll move to the basement then.” More privacy for you, your mom can’t complain of him being isolated or afraid of the dark, and no strange, teenage boy being foisted into your bedroom with you. Do it. It could be a blessing in disguise. Haha
I don't think it's necessarily inappropriate to have siblings who were raised together share a room if there is no other option. Though it is deeply unfortunate and far from ideal, in a normal and healthy sibling relationship in a normal and healthy family I don't think it's unsafe or 'wrong'. This situation is disturbing though, I can't FATHOM what her parents are thinking.
They aren't siblings though. It's OP's mums brother which means it's OP's uncle. That is extremely inappropriate.
I don't think you read the comment you responded to in context, because you're just agreeing with what they said at the end. The person you're responding to was addressing the absolutism of /u/cstarh408's comment, not suggesting that the boy in this story is a sibling. They concluded that *this* situation, unlike a sibling situation, is disturbing.
Ask them if they're not comfortable having ur boyfriend over, and is this why they're insisting on having ur uncle chaperone? Or go nuclear and suggest they're trying to create a flowers in the attic situation or that a freaking ight light and walkie talkie could fix his issue
I thought of that reading this
I have tried to remember the title of that book for years
I get why you don’t want to share a room with him. Just out of curiosity: why don’t you move in the basement. Yes you were there first and so on, but it would just be easier you would avoid a lot of fighting and argueing.
ill assume that’s because all her belongings are in her room and she doesn’t know him at all. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving a teenager in full puberty with all my stuff when it’s supposed to be MY room
I get that, but most items and furniture are moveable and not meant to stay in the same place for eternity. So why don’t move everything?
Why should OP have to move room? It's been her home longer than it's been Alex's. There's plenty of way to get light into the basement, like brighter bulbs for existing fittings, some nice bright lamps, night lights, glow in the dark stars, luminscent strips, light emitting fixtures, a mirror or two to reflect light etc. There's plenty of ways to get creative with it and Alex getting to fit out his own space might make him feel more at home. Plus, OP is 17 and likely a year or so off going to uni, possibly moving out of the house to do so. If Alex needs her room there can be then to do it. There is also the question of why OP has never met Alex, suggesting her mother doesn't have a close relationship with OP's maternal grandparents or she'd have met Alex before now. Moving into the room of your niece, who you don't know and is several years older than you would be awkward at the very least.
I think they’re just wondering, because at 17 if the basement room is fully enclosed that they would rather be there instead of in a bedroom by their parents because I know I would’ve. It is still messed up of the parents to try to force her to share a room when they’re the ones deciding to let the 14-year-old come over
Not just come over, move in.
>Plus, OP is 17 and likely a year or so off going to uni, possibly moving out of the house to do so. If Alex needs her room there can be then to do it. That is assuming she moves out for uni. Which very much isn't a guarantee. If she stays living at home, she definitely needs a room to herself so she can study in peace
I never said she SHOULD move in the basement. I just asked WHY she didn’t consider it. By moving herself she could avoid fighting with her parents.
I had parents like this. It was easier to just give in (move to the basement) than fight a protracted war with someone who had the authority and patience to make my life miserable. Sucks, but it is what it is. They wonder why we aren’t close lol.
Why would she leave all her stuff in her old room if she moved to the basement? What a weird response.
I could, and I did consider it. But isn’t it unfair? The upstairs bedroom has been my room since I was little and I’ve decorated it and everything as well. I guess I am being selfish.
It's not selfish, and it definitely would be unfair to you, but it might also be the best choice in this situation. The fact that your uncle is choosing to share a room with your parents rather than get his own room in the basement suggests there's more going on here that needs to he accounted for. It sounds like your parents may be in a situation with no good choices, and putting him in your room is the best one they can make. Talk to your parents calmly, and try to understand why they're so insistent on this. It may be that there are things they can't tell you due to privacy concerns, but they should be able to give you a general idea of what's really going on. Or maybe they're normally uncommicative and tyrannical in their parenting style, in which case just hold your ground for as long as you want to fight.
I’m getting “missing reasons” vibes here. Not in a bad way on the OP but in a “we don’t want to tell you everything” way. A 14 year old so scared of the dark that they choose to sleep in their adult siblings room? The rapid move in? Where is OPs grandparents in this and why has this kid been sent to his siblings? There could have been abuse that resulted in uncle being placed in parents custody here. I could understand parents being adamant to comfort uncle during this very traumatic situation. That’s not to say it’s okay to force OP to have a 14 year old boy in her room. It’s not fair to OP but moving to the basement does sound like the best option. I’m just playing devils advocate here and inputting suspicions in the gaps of information. I could be way off base.
then he can sleep in the parents room. no reason to make your 17 year old daughter share her room with her 14 year old uncle, and no reason to make your daughter move rooms.
I didn't know that the boy chose to sleep in her parent's room when she refused. That is so sad. 💔
I totally agree with you. It would be super unfair, but given that your parents already seem to not hold your comfort in high regard in this specific scenario, I feel like you may be forced to choose between the basement or sharing your current room, so maybe you could get ahead of it and make it work in your favor? Maybe tell them you're willing to move but you would like to be given a budget to alter the basement to more suit your needs? Take the chance to create someone you may not have been able to do upstairs? For what it's worth though, the fact that there isn't a light (I assume this means an overhead light on the ceiling) is such a cop-out of an excuse. It would be one thing if he was wary of being in a basement because some people find them spooky. But lack of light? Come on. I like to be petty sometimes, so I would be tempted to get a bunch of super cool light fixtures set up down there. When I was a teenager, I would have LOVED having a room that was isolated from the rest of the house, versus being across the hallway from my parents. To each their own though!
It IS unfair. But, please consider that this 14 year old kid has been removed from his family, due to things that are too traumatic to ask him about. There’s probably a good reason he would rather sleep in your parents room than a room in the basement on his own. He’s going through something very rough right now. That’s also unfair isn’t it? I’m sorry it really sounds like your parents haven’t adequately explained it to you and went all hard ass and put you on the defensive immediately. So I totally get your reaction. I think they’re just going through something really stressful right now and have a lot on their plates and aren’t handling it as well as they could.
Why should she have to accommodate a stranger in her own home?
She shouldn’t , but because she doesn’t have the power here people are offering workable solutions. It’s absolutely wrong of her parents to insist she share a room with her 14 year old male relative who is a complete stranger, but ultimately her parents control the home. So if OP would take the basement room it would at least give her privacy.
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Putting him in the basement, after possible traumatic reasons for him moving in, could be seen like they don’t care and are making him sleep next to the boxed up summer stuff and old clothes. Like Harry Potter sleeping in a cupboard under the stairs. But the whole situation should have been handled better.
So why dont they offer to sleep in the basement and give him their room? :) thats what good parents would do. Not put their daughter at risk of being creeped on…
INFO What happened to Alex that means he has to move in? I'm guessing it was something pretty serious.
I'm also wondering how OP hasn't ever met her uncle in the 14 years he's been alive for, and if Alex isn't close enough to OP's mom to have met her... how come he's close enough to move in with her?
There is an immense amount of important backstory missing here.
I agree. I'm not sure how much of it OP knows herself but we do need more context. Also, OP is NTA. Teenagers of opposite genders need privacy and should not be sharing rooms- even twin siblings M and F too. A girl needs her own space where periods and changing is concerned. A boy needs privacy too. If Alex has been forcibly removed from parental care (and I am assuming due to lack of context)... he will need more privacy due to possible trauma. If he gets PTSD nightmares, then sharing with OP will affect her sleep, too.
YES! Alex needs this as much or more than OP does.
And a 14 year old who's afraid of the dark? I almost wonder if it's more about being alone.
Something bad happened to Alex, that's for sure
I’m not entirely sure if I’m being honest. My parents won’t tell me anything except don’t ask him any questions. I can only guess and I’d rather not do that.
Thank you for getting back to me about that. Something pretty bad, is a safe bet, poor kid.
If your parents aren’t telling you and telling you not to ask him, he went through something really bad and they are trying to protect you from that. You’re NTA for the way you feel but you need to look at this from your mom’s point of view. I’m guessing since you’ve never met this kid before that your mom doesn’t have a relationship with her parents and there’s a reason for that. Taking her brother in is probably triggering a lot of bad feelings for her. She’s trying to save her brother probably from whatever trauma she went through. Throwing that poor kid in the basement isolated from everyone would possibly make a bad situation worse. Personally I would have loved a basement room as a teenager
Not protecting to well tho cause they are trying to force her to share a room with him. That could be dangerous too depending on the trauma, they should be thinking of her and her safety as well, it’s all very suspicious
Yeah we don't know if his moral compas is all messed up and he no longer knows right from wrong. OP doesn't know either. Parents probably doesn't know either. Absolutely not fair or safe to put OP in this position. Even if the concerns prove to be unjust (that he is a good kid that no one needs to worry about) the stress and anxiety about "what if" is an unjust load to bear. Especially for a teenager who has all other sorts of stuff to worry about. Feeling unsafe in your own home is wrong so NTA
They're doing a shit job "protecting" her by trying to make her room with a 14 year old boy she doesn't even know.
Your parents are probably very stressed about Alex moving in. Your mom especially might be dealing with some really complicated emotions (maybe guilt for not protecting Alex, or for not being in his life until now, etc. Obviously hard to say without any info). They're taking this stress out on you, and it's unfair and it sucks and their way of handling it is honestly pretty dumb... But maybe try to give them a little grace while they're figuring this situation out. Especially if they don't normally treat you like this. And try to think about how things might be from Alex's POV too. He's in a new house with family he doesn't know, sleeping on the floor... I'm guessing he needed to be pulled out of his old school, he's away from his friends. If he's been through something really bad, he might feel pretty crummy to then be put in the basement where he's scared of the dark/is uncomfortable. Try to find a moment where you can sit down with your parents and talk about your concerns. Avoid framing it like "this sucks and is unfair", and instead be like "I feel very uncomfortable sharing a room with a teenage boy I don't know, because ___"... But if he's staying long term and isn't comfortable with the basement, it might make everyone more sane if you take the basement.
NTA. Your parents are very, very strange to want a 14-year-old uncle to be sharing a bedroom with a 17-year-old niece. If they're determined to evict you from your room to let your uncle have it, I'm afraid they probably can. though. Is he coming to stay permanently/indefinitely, like til he's 18? If it's temporary, like for a few nights, then absolutely, your parents can be the ones inconvenienced by a mattress and a teenage boy in their room. If this is a long-term arrangement, you should probably try to get all the leverage you can to make the basement a good place for you to have as your own room. With a lock.
Why does everyone keep framing this as though it matters that he's her uncle? He's 14, she's his senior. Technically he's an uncle, but that has no real bearing on the relationship. I guarantee he doesn't look at her like his niece.
Honey, lemme explain. It would be just as weird if she was his aunt, or if they were cousins. put a teenage boy and a teenage girl to share a bedroom. Maybe if (a) it's strictly temporary AND (b) they're brother and sister brought up together and they both are genuinely okay with giving each other privacy - BUT: the point is not "he's her uncle!" it's that he is a 14-year-old boy and she is a 17-year-old girl and FURTHERMORE they're closely related.
No, your the one missing it and stating their point. Its off regardless, but plenty of post are highlighting the Uncle part. One post even says it would be one thing if it was a cousin but it her uncle...Nope biggest issue is he is a teenage stranger, no matter how they are related.
NTA. Your parents are asking something very strange of you. What 17 y/o is cool with giving up their room and privacy for a 14 y/o when there is another option? More than one, actually, your parents can share their room, they can move into the basement, Alex can be gifted a nice lamp and go to the basement.... I am curious about Alex's ideas and opinions though. I mean, most 14 y/o's prefer to have their own space. For lots of reasons, including a lot of wanking. Naturally they prefer to have some privacy. Same way you want privacy.
Yes, I expect Alex is mortified at the idea too. Although if he's moving in with OP's parents permanently, presumably some bad shit has gone down for him
Why isn't there anywhere else for him to go? What is going on with his Father and Mother? It sounds like your Mum knows a lot more than she's telling you. Ask her for the full story as something has made her quite frustrated here.
> something has made her quite frustrated Presumably some serious shit has gone down in Alex's life, they're scrambling frantically to help, and this is a complication they really don't need right now. Still not good enough. Maybe for a couple of nights but not long term.
Just move to the basement. Tell them to bear the expenses of renovating the room, and wala you’d have your own mini apartment. Nta
It’s actually “voila”, but maybe it should be “wala” by now
NTA. Go to school and tell your guidance counselor that you are upset and uncomfortable about this arrangement. Specifically state that you don't want to share sleeping arrangements with your uncle. They are a mandated reporter, but it is also likely that they will discuss the matter with your parents first before escalating it. Once your parents realize that someone who is in a position to get involved is aware of the situation, they will most likely come up with a solution that has you sleeping separately.
This is a hill to choose to die on. I get that Alex would not be moving in unless some catastrophe has occurred to him, and that your parents are going frantic trying to help, and that they really don't need this crap right now, but even so.... No. You do NOT make unrelated teenage girls and teenage boys live together in the same room. In my country that would literally be illegal. This is — no exaggeration — a "Call CPS" issue. Go nuclear. Scream. Lock the door. Even call the *Police* if he comes in, if necessary. They need to understand how IMMENSELY wrong this is. Also he's old enough to sleep in the dark or buy his own lamp. And anyway, however much trauma he is going through right now, HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY OR PROBLEM. NTA Good luck.
CPS could have been the ones to put him there. How can you make this judgement with no backstory?
Pretty sure opposite-sex teenagers in one bedroom is a big CPS no-no, they wouldn’t have put Alex with this family if that was the case.
Have you tried talking to the kid about it? Something tells me he's probably not keen on sharing a bedroom with you either if he doesn't have to, that kind of extreme lack of privacy would be hell on a 14-y/o. NTA, you're not in the wrong but I bet you could solve this all with a little communication. In either case, your mom sucks.
NTA. This setup is extremely inappropriate. I feel bad for both kids.
NTA. Are your parents insane??? How the hell do they think it is ok for a 14 year old boy to share a bedroom with a 17 year old girl?
NTA. Source: I teach sex ed to kids these ages. Gross is written all over. Hormones make all of this bad. 4 & 7 is completely different than 14 & 17. Try to explain to your parents at this age it is not appropriate and you feel like everyone involved is invading your privacy. Also, I’d be petty as hell on this one. He moves into that room, the whole basement becomes yours. Even better if it is finished and there is a bathroom down there. You keep it clean and there is no reason for your parents to visit either. Let’s talk about that bf being in your room….be smart and safe. Even if you aren’t sexually active, things can get weird. If you have questions, let me know. I’ll answer anything.
>Let’s talk about that bf being in your room… How about let's not creep on the (noadays complete and uttlery normal and healthy) sex life of a 17yo stranger without any indication that she needs guidance or safety advice? EDIT: I also find sex-ed for 17yos weird. Sex ed should be long done at 17. 17yos should study more advanced academic biology, "how do I avoid getting pregnant" should happen at least 5 years earlier.
Yeah that was one badly timed comment
> Let’s talk about that bf being in your room No, let's not. Don't hijack her question. However valid your advice, this is not the time or place.
A 14M (uncle) should not sleep in the same room as a 17F (niece). That’s just gross and weird.
NTA ---- Ask her why can't he sleep on a mattress in her room then.
NTA - it’s really inappropriate to have a mixed sleeping arrangement like that. You should consider looking for your own place asap
You parents don't sound too bright, if they expect a 14 male and a 17 female to sleep in the same room. Would your parents be happy with your boyfriend sleeping in the same room?
And why can't he sleep in the living room?
NTA you don’t know him and a 14m and 17f should not share a room she could’ve made the basement comfortable or gave u the whole basement
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NTA. No way your parents should be putting a 14 year old boy in with a 17 year old girl. It is highly inappropriate at these ages. Even my 12 year old son does not share a room, on vacation, with any of his older sisters unless the room has separate living room with roll away bed… and this is for siblings who grew up together. Your parents should be ashamed asking you to bunk with a complete stranger at your age, especially of opposite gender. I would, though, think they would have tried figuring all this out much sooner and if 14 year old can’t sleep in the basement, figuring out a way that they could fix up said basement in a way that you would want to switch rooms.
NTA. It is not weird at all to not want a teenage boy to move into your room. Your parents have completely disregarded your need for privacy.
If your uncle is staying with you through Foster care its actually illegal for him to be in the same room as you!
Please don't make generalizations like this. Every state in the US has completely different laws. I'm an attorney and I wouldn't presume to know the laws of the other 49. If you're not an attorney at all, you probably shouldn't either.
This is a major problem in this subreddit, people are always making generalizations about the law without being which jurisdiction they're in. Probably the biggest misconception people have here is about eviction laws. Every time there is a post here about kicking someone out of their home, I roll my eyes at all of the armchair legal experts who come out parroting the same wrong legal "advice."
I’m a foster parent and even different counties can have different rules around this. In mine, up to 4 siblings of any sex and age can share a room. Non-siblings have different rules. In other counties in my state, the limit is 3 to a room. It’s all much more variable than the internet makes people think.
I agree you should not share a room with your kid uncle. However you need to take the basement. Sorry but this kid is being entirely displaced from his former home.
NTA. But the only solution is to move in the basement. Maybe start to move all your stuff when they aren’t home. To be real if it is more isolated it only means you have more privacy.
The obvious solution is for your parents to fix up the basement room and make it a nice space for the boy. Just shoving a mattress in with you makes it seem like your parents don't really want him and are doing the bare minimum. I feel sorry for both you and the boy. Your parents are the AH.
NTA