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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for not letting my little brothers boyfriend come to my wedding? I feel like not letting my brother not go to my wedding might make me the asshole.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
Your fiance DOES indeed hate gay people, her actions and comments have shown this 100%
She IS a bigot and a homophobe as your brother pointed out.
Saying that his BF couldn't go is essentially telling him that you value your fiancee's bigoted views more than your relationship with him.
Your relationship with this woman has already created an enormous rift between you and your brother, and after this I would be surprised if you can keep both of them in your life at the same time.
Interestingly - had you approached the situation differently it might not have been so bad.
I don't think it would be unusual to deny a +1 to a wedding for a 15 year old in a (thus far) short term relationship.
She treated it like a big deal she let OP’s brother attend (which for her was already a compromise), she wouldn’t have given him a second thought in that way if he were straight.
I can't get past the she's already "letting" the little brother go! For sure, OP ITA. He needs to drop the girlfriend or drop the pretense that he's a swell guy.
And possibly prejudiced against all kinds of other people too: the way OP says she is “very conservative.” In light of the rest of the post, this reads like code for “racist and bigoted in every way possible.”
Does OP really think he’ll be allowed a relationship with his younger brother if he stays with this “person”? She must be magic in the bedroom for OP to put up with this excuse for a human. Or he’s a closeted bigot himself...
And what does she even mean, "let"? OP's brother is his best friend, (for all the good it did him) she has no right to deny him entrance just because she's homophobic. It's like OP informed her she should be grateful he's letting her indian family go to the wedding because they're POCs. Just imagine OP going "well, I'm racist and it's my day. I'll tolerate your direct family, but they can't have +1s that aren't white, because having to look at their brown skin with my blessed, virginal eyes will ruin my day". That's how bad this is.
YTA
She means she's letting him exist in her fiance's life and not making too much fuss (right now). Guarantee that after the wedding she demands OP go NC with the brother.
Bottom line, OP - marry her and take on her bigotry, or end the relationship and be a decent human being to your brother.
Yup, NC sounds about right. If not after the wedding, then when she get pregnant (if they plan to have kids), so the baby won't be contaminated by his gay germs. Or maybe she'll let OP have his brother in his life as long as neither she nor their kids have to acknowledge the brother's existence? Pay no attention to the guy sitting on the sofa.
Because he is a pick-me man and will do anything for female approval.
We bag on women and girls for being this way but it’s just as harmful when men do it.
Right? Why is OP making someone who *let* his brother come to the wedding and says OP should be grateful for that…
OP, how are all the other life events going to go? Is your brother going be allowed around your kids? And when he gets married are you going to let your wife keep you from going?
This is the death knell of your relationship with your brother, are you cool with that? Happy to give up your brother for you wife? Prepared to deal with the family issues that will come from it over the years?
Homophobic people can sit back and say "it's just a phase" as long as the person stays single. Once they are in a relationship it becomes more real to them.
I recently was seeing something about how men are much more likely to feel fine marrying outside of their beliefs. I think it was first centered around abortion. But these guys don't think about the future. Sure, you may really want kids and never run into the abortion topic in your relationship. But what about your kids? Sure, you're straight, you only have to occasionally hear their opinion on LGBT+. But what about your kids? Your friends? Your family?
Their beliefs, political, religious, ect, will all after your life in someway, even if it's not immediately apparent how. Even as someone who doesn't want kids I couldn't marry someone with the opposing view on a lot of life.
I feel like she would take this as a win and start to slow cut op's brother out of his life too. It worked for the wedding, why not the rest of his life??
Yeah…. My kind of was being a bit ironic. What really gets me is that OP is protesting his love for his brother so much while at the same time supporting his fiancées hateful attitude.
fr. “i love my brother but i’m not gonna protect him from my homophobic fiancé, who i’ve admitted to not agreeing with politically” what good does your disagreement do if you’re still gonna let your brother be sneered and looked down at… for being gay.
OP, YTA. not for telling him no to a plus 1, but to marry someone who hates your brother for something completely out of his control. i hope she’s worth it, because you won’t have a brother much longer. it’s laughable you claim to love him, clearly not that much if you’re just cool with how your fiancé treats him. you’re no better than her, you’re a homophobe.
signed, a queer trans person. hope your brother finds a better brother than you
In Spanish we have a saying that goes:
“Tell me who you’re with and I’ll tell you who you are”
If you’re associating with a homophobe, then hon, sorry, but you’re a homophobe.
In American English we say " Birds of a feather, flock together ". But this is an old saying.... I'm old but I agree with you.
Edit: correction made, flock together instead of stick together, VERY important
Exactly. I’m an Indian and yes while our society is more traditional OP’s fiancé is a bigot. She asked the brother to be happy because he’s invited? Seriously? Considering she comes from an Indian family OP, you should ask her how her fam would feel if even a first cousin of hers isn’t invited. Indian society is big on family. She can’t pick and choose traditions that suit her. YTA
I am married to a Trini and there are a lot of Indian families (and families of Indian heritage) in Trinidad. There is a very large Indian LGBT+ community and while West Indians as a whole are very intolerant it seems to me that their Indian families are pretty supportive of them (I have quite a few gay friends from the Indian community there). My daughter is gay and she came out while we were living there so I did my best to get involved with them and we were very proud to march in the country's first gay pride parade :).
Yes Indians have slowly become more accepting of the LGBT community. Not saying there aren’t bigots but frankly it’s not excusable because of tradition
What’s that saying? “If you have dinner with 10 people and 1 nazi who are willingly eating together, you are having dinner with 11 nazis”
Only OP is getting married to a bigot, and expecting us to not believe he’s a bigot himself. And that she’ll just magically get better if he goes along with this for the wedding
I’m not gay but I am an ally (an actual one, not like OP) and I could not think of any situation where I would willingly marry someone who is homophobic. It would be an absolute deal breaker for me
OP, your silence and inaction are speaking volumes. Go be a homophobe with your new wife, leave your brother alone to find himself a chosen family since his actual family is terrible
>Now while my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either. She insisted that they would ruin our special day and she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that. And I really want my wife to be happy on our wedding day so I agreed and told my brother that his boyfriend could not go. I tried to explain this to my brother but he was equally If not more angry at me then my wife was.
Of course, little bro is angry with OP. OP's wife is a homophobic bigot. She's so bigoted that she thinks it's a big deal she's "letting" your gay little brother be your best man. She's so bigoted it's going to "ruin" her special day knowing that there's a gay couple at the wedding - her husband's brother and his boyfriend.
OP loves his bigoted wife so much you're willing to exclude his brother's boyfriend from the wedding for no other reason that it will make his bigoted wife happy in her bigotry.
>Now he refuses to go at all which I'm really upset about because I really wanted him to be my best man.
Well, *of course* he's not going to be the best man. OP, if you're reading this, you just made clear to him you regard satisfying your wife's bigotry as much more important to you than respecting your brother. Why would he even want to be your best man now? Probably your wife has a homophobic bigot brother or friend who'll be much better suited to you in your new life in which your little brother has gone LC with you.YTA
Nah, even with a different approach this is still a jerk move. The thinly veiled excuse would be obvious, and the fact Fiancée has never liked brother would A) still be visible, and B) become even more noticeable when she insists that Bro can’t bring boyfriends to the house. Or after they have children, that Bro can’t be around lest he “pollute” them
Wife will probably have son offed for being shameful to her family, let’s be honest.
Edit: I don’t condone the fiancé’s behaviour. It’s absolutely abhorrent.
I’m just remembering a documentary about an Indian-Canadian girl who was offed by her incredibly traditional family back in India for marrying someone from a different cultural group. It’s what I was making reference to.
Set up with cousins and people they don’t know for life. I was talking about my friends of that ethnicity this past year. One was in a fight with their mother because they refused to marry their cousin and their mom took it as an insult.
Yeah, because somehow being in love with someone of the same sex is worse than making progeny with your cousin. >.>
She’s not just a bigot, she’s a bigot who is also a hypocrite (and liar). As an Indian, I can confirm that a person/family that is liberal enough to agree to an inter-caste/inter-faith/interracial marriage is absolutely liberal enough to not be homophobic.
If the reason behind denied +1 (actual reason, not excuse) would have been brothers young age and short relationship with his partner, there would be no AH here. Since the case is your fiance is homophobe and the only reason behind denied +1 is her homophobig views, YTA.
Damage is already done and marriage with this woman will cause you to get pushed even further away from your brother and probably some other relatives and family members.
It's not a short relationship. OP mentioned little bro is dating his one of best friend, meaning they're known each other for years and recently started dating. This isn't someone the little brother just met which makes it even worse.
I wish OP's fiance had met my mom: That was exactly what my mom said when I invited my long term best friend of 10 years and his boyfriend - two of the nicest people I ever met - to my wedding. She claimed it would reflect badly on us if her friends saw me associating with gay people closely enough to invite them to my wedding. (I bet OP's fiancé's family says similar things too.)
I stood my ground and I'm glad I did despite all the tantrums and disownment threats - the gay friend and his partner took an overnight train to come to our wedding, whilst my mother's friends who supposedly cared that much almost all no-showed without forewarning.
Literally, like HOW?
Is OP’s little brother’s date gonna show up in a wedding dress? Are they gonna rail each other in front of all the guests? Are they gonna set the venue on fire? Or maybe push the bride into her cake? Dramatically break up in the middle of the vows? No? Then calm tf down. They’re not ruining anything by simply BEING THERE.
She's the love of his life and makes him happy so he condones it just to be with her. Anyone who jumps in the way of that is an immediate enemy to him.
This is far from the first time I've seen brothers taking up arms because of one of their partners.
This part - she is already letting his brother to be there - what the hell is that? She is letting him? Who is she to decide and use such words? Is his brother a stray dog to let him in the house or what? OP is huge AH for even spending a day with this woman not to say to merry her.
It’s funny to me he says he wants to make his fiancé happy at their wedding but she isn’t thinking the same way towards him. So she can say no to your brother and his plus 1 but you have no say because she will throw a tantrum about it. Red flags 🚩
My partners family is Muslim and more conservative/ from another culture. My family is blended and my father is gay. He’s been married to the same person since I was small and that person is like family to me too. I brought up being scared of how some people might react to having my father at our wedding, and my partner assured me that it’s my family and if people don’t like it that’s there problem and they wouldn’t (and better not) say anything. That is a supportive response. This is so sad that your partner is marrying into your family (just as you are marrying into hers) and she cannot accept and love someone so close to you.
I give this marriage about 6 months before she makes him pick her or the brother in his life , not wanting him round her kids or their house at all... he's the ah and needs to bin this girl before marriage. She's horrible and you will lose your brother if you stay with this person
Agreed. YTA OP. To me, someone who isn't homophobic but doesn't "support" the LGBTQ+ population might be someone who doesn't go out of their way to attend Pride Parades or hang rainbow flags/have stickers/pins showing they are a safe space. To be "truly neutral" to this population would be just treating them like you would anyone else, which seems sort of freaking obvious and common sense.
To not support treating that population like everyone else, IMO is homophobic. Absolutely disgusting. I would be rethinking my marriage at this point.
Really don't understand how two young men going to a wedding together could RUIN the day. I feel like homophobic people think that this population is just going to steamroll in waving flags and dressing in rainbows and getting sexually inappropriate in front of everyone, when really, they are probably just going to hang out together, share a few dances, and have a good time.
YTA. "She's already letting your little brother go." Are you kidding me? Him attending your wedding shouldn't require special approval from her since he is gay. You'd better draw a line now because she sounds like she's smoothing the way now to be hateful later. Do not allow this to stand.
The person he calls his "best friend" as well... I would personally cancel the wedding until she has her moral compass in order and genuinly made changes to be honest. I know love blinds but holy shit, what is this post even.
I was thinking this too. Please OP, don't marry this woman, at least not until she has put some serious work into changing her attitude. You're going to keep having to choose between her and your brother until your brother decides he isn't going to put up with it anymore. You're going to lose your brother.
His brother whom he describes as his “best friend” and whom he wants to be his best man.
And they should be happy she’s *letting* the brother *attend*?
What’s going to happen when OP wants to have the brother (and his brother’s partner) over for dinner? And when the brother wants to get married - will they just not go? And if OP and fiancée do get married and have kids, will those kids be allowed to be around OP’s brother (and brother’s partner/husband)? What if one of OP’s kids is LGBTQ+ ? How will that go?
Sorry, OP, but I agree with other commenters - your wife does hate gay people. This is bigotry. And if you’re allowing bigotry and if bigotry isn’t a dealbreaker for you, then… you see where I’m going with this and what it says about your values, yes? Sounds like you’re endorsing and supporting bigotry yourself.
I think your relationship with your brother is at greater risk than you realize here. Please think very carefully about what that means to you, because this may not be something you can undo.
YTA, OP. And even moreso if you go through with this wedding. I’m sorry.
Honestly a huge huge red flag - if she's "traditional" family is everything. Her homophobia outweighs one of the singularly most important touchstones of our culture. Also traditional is such a bs excuse - I am on my way back home from a lesbian Punjabi wedding involving two of the most old school extended Sikh families I know. Was everyone happy about it? Probably not. But we drink and celebrate and at the end of the day family is everything. The idea that the brother of the groom was simply tolerated is mind blowing. I'm not even blood related and I literally was doing all the sisterly duties
Do you think there might also be undertones of "your family is not exactly the same class/religion/culture as us so they don't really count as family and never will?
110%… she’s already half way there.
Which way it goes now will depend solely upon whether or not OP has the sense to call off the wedding and spend the next year apologising to his brother for being such an AH.
>He called us bigots
>>my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either.
>>She insisted that they would ruin our special day
>>she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that
YTA. You ARE a bigot by placating and marrying one. How could you choose to marry someone who openly hates someone else you love? Your brother deserves someone better than you.
Yeah, this is where things got really unacceptable. How dare she think that she could tell his brother he can't come because he's gay. OP you claim your brother is important to you, but choosing this terrible woman over him is obviously showing that's not true.
>You'd better draw a line now
OP has done this a long time ago? By choosing to be with someone he knows is a homophobe. I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed.
Indian here, and we do not claim your fiancée’s homophobia, for the record. She’s not a bigot because she’s Indian, she’s a bigot because she’s a bigot.
Also the fact that she's "letting his brother go to the wedding"?! There's no such thing that's applicable here. Family are just invited by default especially when it's a sibling.
Exactly. Also, don't say that she's indian, so she has traditional values and doesn't approve of gay people. Family values is also a huge thing in indian tradition, and someone who is sooo "traditional " would never say that they are "letting" the brother of the groom attend.
White French Canadian here, don't worry - Bigots come in every colour, religion, region, language, country, etc.! Would never paint one nationality with the same brush!
I was literally thinking this isn’t part of Indian culture that I’ve EVER experienced.
I’m not Indian, but have had a lot of friends from India (dad was the only white guy at an Indian company that moved to the states).
How is OP even thinking of marrying someone who talks about his brother like that JUST because he is gay?!
As a gay may YTA.
You are letting your wife’s hatred (and I’m going to call it that. Hatred.) be more important than your love and acceptance for your brother. You are marrying someone who sees your little brother as less than her.
“Already letting him go” - she can get *fucked* he is your little brother. He should be there with his boyfriend.
Ask him how she treats him when you aren’t around. I dare you.
What would she treat your kids like if they turned out gay?
The whole thing is just horrifying. This is not the kind of thing you overlook in a relationship!!
It’s not equivalent to someone leaving hair in the sink or leaving the toilet seat up. This woman actually hates OP‘s brother and will do everything in her power to exclude him and OP is willing to go along. It’s disgusting.
I wish I could give OP’s brother a big hug. The kid doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.
Yeah I literally cannot comprehend the cognitive dissonance in calling this woman the love of his life while she hates his brother who OP claims to love so much. Like you said, this isn't a disagreement over minutia, this is her wishing OP's brother would just disappear. I don't understand how OP got to the level of a serious relationship with this person, let alone got to planning marriage. Dude must be one of those people who just can't stand to not be in a relationship, no matter how toxic it is.
THIS was my concern, about her treatment towards him, when OP isn't around!! I'm sure the brother just kept his mouth shut to support OP. But darn, I'm sure it wasn't always pretty.
Exactly — if a gay person just existing at the wedding is going to “ruin” her day then yeah, she hates gay people. OP is an idiot for pretending otherwise. That poor kid; 15 is a tough age for anyone, let alone for someone who just came out a year ago. Of COURSE he wants his boyfriend there for support.
YTA for marrying and supporting a homophobe. If you think that this isn't going to cause a rift in your family, then you're even more delusional than believing that going through this wedding and putting this woman before your brother is going to go smoothly. Your statement, "**Now my little brother (M15) is gay and has been out for about a year I'm the first one he told and I totally accept him for it."** is just total BS on your part, so please just admit it to yourself because you don't since **"I want to take my fiancé wishes into consideration so we can both have our dream day."** Just do your brother a favor and move on from him. You and Modi's followers will be very happy.
YWBTA if you marry a person who discriminates against your brother on the sole basis of sexuality.
She's not that amazing if she doesn't love your family, too. That will be her brother, too, ya know.
Think about after the wedding. Think about family events. Does your brother have to cater to her forever? The answer is definitely yes. This will keep coming up until you lose your wife or you lose your brother.
At least if your brother was a prick or something, I'd get it, but based on what you wrote she's just shunning him because discrimination.
I have an ex-wife and a dead brother. I'll give you one guess to who I miss the most.
She’s already done a “me or him” ultimatum, she’s going to do it again. It’s also going to put OP’s parents in a situation where they have to choose between their sons and someone will be hurt by their decision.
If they have kids the kids will be indoctrinated to be similarly homophobic and won’t have a relationship with their uncle.
Nah, if they have kids I’ll bet $10 that fiancée turned wife will insist Brother can’t come to the house or can’t babysit because he’ll somehow “pollute” the kids, or teach them the “wrong” things
Indian here, and a queer Indian at that. I really hate that 'tradition' is used to excuse all kind of bigotry. You know what else is traditional in India, or used to be? Women being the property of their male relatives. Widows being burned on their husbands' funeral pyres. Female foeticide and infanticide. Women being considered burdens, less than, and worse, all because of their gender. Bet your fiancee doesn't care much for those traditions.
And for the record? Your fiancee's background is no excuse. There are plenty of people, either Indian or of Indian origin, who understand that there's nothing wrong with being queer, and plenty of evidence of queer relationships during pre-British times. And even if there weren't? It's 2024. She needs to grow up and get her head out of her ass.
YTA. YTmassivefuckingA.
As a fellow Indian (American if that matters), I feel the need to bring up the fact that the Mahabharatha, a well-known Hindu epic, has a character that’s basically a trans guy
Not just the Mahabharata. OP and his bigot fiancee would do well to read this book: https://champaca.in/products/same-sex-love-in-india-a-literary-history?variant=32123293335587
Let’s back this up.
Why are you marrying a homophobic AH to begin with? Why are you bringing that around your gay brother?
Clearly he’s not actually like your best friend. Best friends would never do this to each other.
You’re a closeted homophobic. Because anyone with any decency who loved their sibling wouldn’t be doing this. Only a homophobic AH could marry another homophobic AH.
So yes, YTA.
My heart breaks for your brother. Your life will never change. You will always allow your wife’s hate to come first, and if you marry her you will lose your brother forever. No uncle, no brother, maybe no parents too if they too support your brother and are seeing how you and your fiancé are treating him. The question you need to ask yourself is, is it worth it?
YTA
Why are you marrying someone that *barely* tolerates a member of your family that you're close to, and thinks he is lucky to even be invited?
Anyone with that level of hate with this much controlling tendencies is only going to get worse over time.
What's next? Brother can't come round the holidays because she doesn't agree with his "lifestyle"? Can't be around the nieces or nephews because they'll "get ideas"?
Seriously, you're letting this person, whom you haven't even married yet, dictate what relationship you're allowed with your own sibling, due to her bigotry.
You've chosen the wrong side.
YTA
"Now while my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either. She insisted that they would ruin our special day and she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that. "
Let's cut to the chase, your fiancée hates your brother. What I don't get is why you aren't defending your brother or even asking for clarification? What about your brother and his bf would actually ruin her day?
You will absolutely lose your relationship with your brother over this and will deserve to, as you've shown absolutely zero willingness to stick up for him in the slightest. Why would you expect any different reaction?
What’s evident to me to your point about parents, is OP learned that this kind of behavior from a partner somewhere is OK, and also learned from somewhere that this is how you respond to people with this kind of behavior (homophobia, narcissism, etc), in intimate relationships. I suspect the family dynamic is not all peachy at home. And OP is significantly older than his brother.
Sounds like OP is afraid to stand up to the fiancé, and is in denial/trying to ignore the fact that she just straight up hates gay people. Trying to intellectualize it (well she didn’t overtly say gay people are bad so therefore she can’t possibly be homophobic. I wouldn’t marry a homophobe, so therefore, etc etc. or dads like this and I still love my dad or when moms like this dad doesn’t say nothing so it’s okay…or mom loves fiancé and having their approval means I’m loved or accepted they want the best for me, or etc etc this kind of circular trying to self soothe anxiety reality denial tunnel because you know the truth deep down but ignore it - similar to when people try and rationalize the abuse they receive from a partner) (Not condoning this at all, because it makes OP complicit with homophobia which is DISGUSTING … just making some general exploratory statements here).
I wonder, if the parents are also bigots, and or if one of the parents fawns/placates in the marriage…so that kind of behavior has been witnessed and internalized by OP. We do know that only OP really knows about his brother’s sexuality, I bet you parents don’t know and don’t know about his BF either. Who knows maybe parents could be like fiancé, hence why OP is irrationally writing off the future wife’s bigotry. He’s just mirroring their own family dynamic, which is not good. To be clear family dynamics don’t give you a pass. You are your own person. I would be seriously though examining where you’re choice of fiancé, other people, all the behaviors are coming from, so you break that cycle.
As a side, Fiancé sounds not only to be a total bigot but controlling narcissistic and definitely not someone’s LOML. True colors revealed, OP, and it’s downhill and fast from here. OP, you need to stop drop and roll before you enter a marriage with this person, and continue letting them in your life period. Bigotry, is bigotry. And when we don’t stand up to it, we tell this person and the people in our life honestly the world it’s okay. You need to ask yourself what values are you not willing to compromise on because right now your bending to a major world and moral value right now. And this is not just about your wedding, this is about your life and what you believe in.
And on top of that, in the face of someone who needs you and loves you most, your brother. Think of the lesson you’re teaching him. Do everyone a favor call off this wedding, and actually show your brother you love him and that being who he is and loving him is what matters most.
And also maybe get some therapy.
Your future wife is a bigot and a disgrace. Tolerating the existence of gay people, so long they aren't "being gay around you" is still bigotry. What happens if one of your children is gay? How is this woman going to be? Demanding they be thrown out of the house? Bullied into "conversion therapies"? This is just the start of your family's nightmare with your future wife. I'd be really disappointed in you, and wouldn't bother pretending to accept your horrible fiance anymore either, if I was you brother. Your "compromise" isn't making your brother happy, so that's one incorrect statement you've made there, and I don't think you can love him as much as you claim if you are prepared to allow this woman to discriminate against him already. YTA for letting her set the rules for your sibling.
YTA Stop defending your bigot soon-to-be wife. She doesn't like your brother or his boyfriend because she has a problem with gay people.
I feel terrible for your little brother. He deserves so much better than an enabling asshole about to marry a raging bigot. And you call him your best friend? Have fun when he goes no contact down the road because you'll never defend him to your bigot of a wife and he's finally reached his limit.
YTA, and delusional if you really think there’s a chance you’re not. You are bringing into the family someone who “doesn’t really support” your brother’s right to EXIST. Because of you, he will have to deal with that at every family event going forward. You’re making his own family unsafe for him, and you somehow think you’re not an AH? I’d say you’re just as bad as she is, but you’re worse. That’s your own damn brother.
YTA
Complacency is just as bad as outright homophia
By not standing up for your brother in this, you showed him that you will stand by and watch as your fiance/wife pushes you further and further away from your brother
YTA. It's because of assholes like you that homophobia continues to be a problem; you enable the bad behavior of bigots like your fiancee. She says he should be happy that he even gets to be at the wedding, but why should he be grateful for that? She's acting like she's doing him this big favor, but he's your brother and he has a close relationship with you; he should be there. You're too much of a selfish coward to stand up to her so you're letting her hate win. Your brother is right not to attend your wedding. You've shown him that you're happy to hurt him in order to cater to your nasty fiancee.
YTA
You're marrying a homophobe (who probably has a lot of other questionable views). This is going to cause life-long strife.
You are choosing your future spouse over your sibling. Just don't be surprised when he declines to have a relationship with you going forward.
YTA and so is your fiancée. Especially her. You say “she doesn’t hate gay people” and then she straight up tells you that simply having the two of them present will RUIN her special day. Think about that, OP. Your fiancée so seriously opposes having a gay couple at her wedding that she wouldn’t be able to enjoy it with them there. What is that if it’s not hate?
And your decision was to tell your brother that he is not welcome to bring his gay BF to your wedding because your fiancée has a problem with gay people. Not to tell her that it’s your wedding too, she needs to get over herself, and she needs to accept that your gay brother and whomever he’s in a relationship with are going to be as welcome to you as anyone else. And if she has a problem with that, then she can be the one staying home from the wedding.
YTA
I understand wanting your future wife to enjoy her wedding, but just to put it into perspective, how come making YOU happy by having your brother be your best man in a way that would make him feel comfortable (since you mentioned yourself there aren't many people his age attending) be the reason she won't enjoy it? It's just ONE person, and not ANY person, but someone you claim to love (his bf).
When you told him you support him when he came out to you, you were inherently accepting the responsibility that comes with it, and now you're being a coward with no backbone at all by backing out.
Now to put it into even more perspective: this demands won't stop here. If you want to have kids, do you think she'll want your brother and his partner (whether his bf or any other bf he has in the future) around your kids? What if you have kids and one of them ends up being gay? Are you going to just accept her bigotry then? I mean if you're accepting it now, you might as well accept that you're a bigot yourself.
"If you're neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor", and I'm not saying you have to go out and fix the world, but man... this is your brother, one you claim to love and support... i don't know how you could live with yourself looking back on your wedding day and thinking that you _only_ had to sacrifice your morals and values regarding human rights just to make a homophobic AH happy... if you had kids, and if I was your kid, I would be terribly disappointed in you as a human.
This is not a compromise, this is discrimination, and you're enabling it.
Your fiancée's so called "happiness" is always going to demand of you to sacrifice your belief system, unless you're willing to change them completely, in which case, you're not really ready for marriage if you're that desperate for it to the point of irreparably damaging your relationship with your brother, bc that's what will happen.
I REALLY hope you change your mind about this, not even for the benefit of your brother, but for yours, this will not stop at the wedding day, it will keep going and keep getting worse.
Maybe you guys should consider couples' counseling before the wedding, you might find that maybe you are intrinsically incompatible. And you might say that this is just the only thing that you're incompatible in, but it's like a gift that keeps giving, she will never stop with these demands, whether it be regarding your brother or any other LGBTQ+ friendships you may already have or will have in the future, are you willing to hurt people you love and care about left and right just for a bigot that is not even willing to see the wrong in her views? How hurtful and damaging they are? How much of a homophobic AH she is?
Are you willing to stand by and not do anything and stand by the oppresor?
I think being an AH here is the least of your worries, your biggest worry should be that you're sacrificing who YOU are, the people YOU LOVE, for someone that not even for a second considered putting you first when you jumped right to doing it for her even if it meant deeply hurting someone you love.
But if you truly want to know, yes, YTA, but not only that, you're also being a coward, a bigot and an appalling homophobe using the "but I love her🥺" facade to hide your true feelings, you're a hypocrite if you go through with this.
I’m an Indian
The concept of gays in India is significantly improving, and India recently even revoked archaic laws that made homosexuality itself illegal. It’s moving in all the right directions
Your fiancee - not so much.
Sorry - but if you’re not being there for your brother because of something as inherently genetic as his eye color - so are you. YTA
What does she think they're going to do? Have sex right in front of the wedding cake? Why does she get to make this decision, is she the only one getting married on that day?
If you allow this, YTA.
Indian here and I can vouch that Indian society is not as orthodox as your fiancée is portraying it to be. I presume you are not an Indian and therefore her marrying you, who is not from our culture proves that. So it is your fiancée who is a bigot and a homophobe.
YTA for choosing her bigotry and homophobia over your brother. I am stumped by the statement "she is allowing your brother to attend the wedding" and that "they will ruin your special day".
Seriously, have you become so blind that you cannot even see the disrespect towards your own brother??
Or are you too a closeted homophobe?? How them being at your wedding ruin it??
Well stop pretending to love and accept your brother. Because you don't or else you wouldn't be marrying a AH.
Also, be prepared to be treated as a doormat because happy wife happy life. Right??
YTA - how you can plan to marry an obvious homophobe and induct her into your family with a gay brother is beyond me. You either support your brother or you don’t, but marrying a homophobe will never be something you can spin as supporting your brother. Do I really have to spell it out for you? If you marry a homophobe, don’t expect a strong future relationship with your gay brother. It’s pretty simple. Your wife won’t want him around kids. Or family. Even you can see the problems surely?
YTA. Your fiance is a homophobe and so are you for tolerating and supporting her homophobia. Idgaf what her cultural background is or what her other qualities are, you are knowingly marrying someone who thinks of your brother as lesser and unnatural. If you go ahead with marrying her you’re just as bad. Im super proud of your brother for standing his ground and sticking up for himself, it can be so hard especially against family. I hope he spends a lovely romantic day with his boyfriend instead of your hateful wedding.
Let me change context here, just to try to make you understand. And to make this crystal clear, this is not what i think: "While i am not a racist, I don't support immigrants from India".
See how that sounds?
I am sorry, mate, but your wife to be is a homophobe, and the way you talk about this issue makes me think you are too.
YTA
So the alleged love of your life doesn’t like your brother because he is gay and claims that your brother should be happy she is letting *him* come to the wedding *at all*.
I’ll tell you what, I would NEVER be in a relationship with someone who is homophobic in general, but *especially* when someone I love so dearly is gay and my fiancé views them as less than. She is a horrible bigot and you are co-signing her views and behaviour. If you go through with this marriage be prepared to have little to no relationship with your little brother. He would be well within his rights to stay far away from your horrible asshole of a wife.
And honestly YTA too.
INFO: imagine it’s a few years from now, and your wife is pregnant. She says she’s not comfortable having a gay person around her child. What will you do?
YTA. You can’t say you support your brother and then make the decision to marry a homophobe. You probably just destroyed your relationship with your brother over someone who hates his very existence for no reason. Do you really want to marry someone like that?
“While my fiancée doesn’t hate gay people…”
“She’s already letting my little brother come and that he should be happy about that”
Your fiancée hates gay people, she’s in the “I don’t mind them so long as I never have yo even look at one.
She’s made it clear to you that your brother has no place in her life, by her own words. Time to ask yourself, do you want your brother in your life? Or not?
And as a (bi-gay) gay man myself, I feel for your brother. It’s so hard living in a world where we don’t know who accepts us and who doesn’t. Who acts like they do while slowly trying to pull away.
More than anything, it hurts to see just how easily the ones we love throw us away and deny us what basic rights others would have, simply because of who we choose to love.
Any best man would be allowed to bring a plus one. By your own admission he is one of the most important people in your life, he earns the “best” in best man. And yet you so quickly threw him away and denied him that simple request, solely because the person he loves and wants to bring to your wedding is also a guy.
Your fiancée has just set the question in front of you: “her, or your brother”. There’s no work around, no negotiation, no trick. It’s her or your brother. Choose, and I hope you choose wisely.
YTA. Your new wife will continue to erase your brother from your life. The wedding is just the opening shot. Are you ok with your brother being erased for no reason other then he's gay? If so, you are indeed a homophobe and deserve this witch you're marrying.
Don’t marry a homophobe.
Don’t marry someone who would treat your little brother as a second-class citizen.
He’s a kid now, but what happens when he’s an adult?
Will she go to his wedding? Would she let your children see their uncle get married? Heck, will they know their uncle?
How will holidays or family dinners be handled? Will she refuse to host him?
Be glad you found out before the knot was tied. Get out and move on.
*Now while my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either.*
Guess what? Your fiancee hates your brother. People don't get livid over people they don't hate. This is a biggie, but if your fiancee is this way over a 15 year old inviting his bf, the brother you want as a best man, what's going to happen when you get married? Have a baby? She'll find reasons to exclude your brother from your family. This is a biggie. I am sorry. You will not be able to have it both ways, and it looks like you will lose your brother.
YTA.
Well done for destroying your relationship with your brother in order to please a homophobic bigot. Wonder what might happen if your children end up being homosexual...
YTA
Your fiancée is a homophobe. Also, let me clear one thing up. I am an Indian woman living in India and have no qualms about people's personal preferences (gender, sexuality, etc...)
You're right, it isn't only your day, it is also the bride's big day. But he is your little brother. What does she mean "She's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that." He is *YOUR* brother and it's your call if you want to invite him or not. Also, how would having his boyfriend attend "ruin your special day"?
You could have handled this situation better.
It’s not just the one day, she’s showing what she’s going to be like for the marriage. She’s only putting up with OP’s brother being there as a favour to OP for the wedding, in her eyes that’s the only context she’ll put up with him and he’s persona non grata if he behaves gay in any way. Isolation is part of the abuser playbook, and she’s already driving a wedge between the brothers.
You and your fiancée are both the a**holes here.
Your fiancée is a bigot. She’s not unsupportive—she’s hateful. She acts like she was doing you a favor by allowing your own brother to attend your wedding.
Please let that sink in for a moment. She is so hateful of LGBT folks that she would prefer that your own brother didn’t come to your wedding and only included him as a favor to you.
By supporting her, you are supporting her bigotry. Do you really want to support the hate of your brother and people like him?
The wedding invitation and plus one is just a symptom of the underlying problem: you are being weaselly and defending your fiancée’s hate.
This will never be about just one day or about the perfect wedding. This is how your life with your fiancée will be. Her hate will not end here.
The only way to not be the a**hole here is to dump your fiancée and let her know that her hate is not welcome in your life.
To be clear: YTA
YTA. I am also Indian and I assume that your fiancé has been hearing that same-sex marriage is just disgusting and "they will go to hell" which, funny enough I and I QUOTE "Ayurveda believes that being LGBTQ+ is not a disease, but natural and genetic " and Ayurveda is the oldest Indian medical system so don't get why some Indians are homophobic. Also your brother is right. You two (You and the fiancé here) decided to out a particular and note, BEST MAN of your wedding just because he has a boyfriend? **Ridiculous .**
YTA
Please let your brother go to your wedding. Stop letting your wife tell you that your own brother can’t come. Once in a lifetime experience to be a best man and you’re going to take it away from him because your wife told you so?
YTA. Love really does make people blind. Even when there's a red flag the size of Canada staring them right in the face. Dude, how you not see what a toxic person your wife to be is? She's already said that she's 'letting your brother go to the wedding'. As if she's doing you some kind of favor instead of accepting a future family member. To me, that screams RUN!
Because that is just the first step. Once she had a foothold, that woman is going to find any excuse to not include your brother in anything. And if you don't agree with her, then she'll put on the crocodile tears. Saying that you don't love her and all that rot. Just so that she can guilt you into doing what she wants.
Seriously, I'd reconsider this. Do you really wanna spend your life with someone that obviously doesn't respect your brother? I mean, nothing says she has to like him and vice versa, but there should at least be some common respect and manner. Neither of which she has. All that woman seems to have is spite and venom.
Jumping on here to support this.
Today it's the wedding. Then it's going to be that she (and you) can't go to your folks for holidays / birthdays / etc. because "HE'S" going to be there with a significant other. Of course, any children you have won't be allowed around.
AND THEN IT'S GOING TO EXPAND -
Because your parents don't alienate brother and his SO, now THEY cannot potentially contaminate your future children and you cannot be around them. (It will start with the fact that she's not going to family events if they are going to be there, but ". . . you can go by yourself if you want to." Of course, you'll be iced out for DAYS afterward for "not supporting her", so you will eventually stop going). You are going to lose your parents as well (most likely) because most non-bigot parents are not going to alienate and cut ties with one child because the spouse of another objects. Grandchildren will be held hostage, too, make no mistake.
Bigoted parents are a variable not considered, but may change the equation. We don't have information on that, though.
Oh, and note that YOUR activities and friends will be slowly alienated as well. You can't watch the game at X's house because their spouse has a relative and you shouldn't be supporting "those people". You can't go to X gym because there are a lot of gay people there. You can't go to X restaurant because it has a reputation for serving a lot of gay folks. The list goes on and on.
Recognize that you have already destroyed the prior relationship with your brother. If you marry her, no amount of "I'm sorry" or "She's changed" or "You know how she is" or "I don't feel that way" is going to make up for what has already happened. The ONLY thing that will give you a chance (and a slim chance at that) of rebuilding your relationship with him is if you jettison her and start actively and visibly supporting your brother.
I suggest, if you marry this woman, that you have a nice, velvet-lined box made to put your balls in, because you aren't going to be needing them much in the future, especially once she has children and you are no longer necessary for her plans. Maybe get a matching one for your spine, since that's worthless as well.
Oh, and if it isn't obvious, YTA.
I rarely pity the asshole in these posts, but you are an exception. I have contempt for your actions, but pity because I do not believe you will listen to anyone here and are destined for a sad and lonely life.
Meh. Ur gonna spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE shunning your brother? Its not going to stop at blocking him from the wedding. She’s forcing you to choose. Do it wisely.
>Now while my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either. She insisted that they would ruin our special day and she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that.
You do realise that your brother will not be allowed in your house or around your future kids , right?
YTA
Yta. Bro ur marrying a homophobe. That’s crazy. You wanted this dude to be ur best man. Also she said she’s “letting ur little brother go”? I thought this was gonna be oh he’s only 16 and hasn’t been dating for that long but it’s not even that. How would they know they are dating in any pictures too like won’t they just look like two dudes at a wedding? I’m so baffled by homophobes but even more baffled by their enablers.
Yta if you marry this woman and her homophobic views and ever want a relationship with your brother ever again! He is your family!! And you’re about to let someone dictate who is and is not allowed to be family?! You not only marry the person, but combine families. And since you’re not LC/NC with your family, it means you accept them all barring abusiveness!
YTA - this should be a deal breaker for any supportive person.
You are using the wrong words here. You are the one who isn't really supportive and she is just a homophobe. Because if you were supportive and accepting, you would.have looked at her and said: "you're joking, right? Because this would be a deal breaker."
YTA. You're marrying someone who will never support your brother who you claim to love. Have you ever thought about the long term impacts of this?
Remember that really nice relationship you and your brother had? You can kiss that goodbye if you choose to stay with someone who is so clearly very homophobic.
It's gross that you seem to be totally ok with her horrible views.
YTA. FYI the “love of your life” is a huge homophobe, and you allowing her to treat your brother and his bf that way makes you no better than her. She’s “allowing” your brother to attend? Clearly she doesn’t want any openly gay people there, and she was just humoring you. You’re both being bigots though, by not allowing the bf to go. It would be one thing if you said that he couldn’t go because it’s a short term relationship (so far) and a plus 1’s are only allowed for long term relationships (I’ve heard of couples who make that rule for weddings, mainly to keep the guest list manageable), but you’re not letting him come because he’s gay. You’re marrying a woman who hates your brother and his bf because of their sexuality, but that shouldn’t be acceptable to you. If I discovered my partner was bigoted against someone I loved, the relationship would be over. I would never prioritize my partner’s hatred for a loved one or enable the hateful behavior. Don’t be surprised if you never hear from your brother again. And don’t act like you get to be upset either. If you weren’t enabling bigotry, this wouldn’t be a problem.
OP. WTF dude! Of course you’re TAH.
You say you love your brother and he’s like your best friend, yet you are willing to allow your fiancée to completely disrespect him and his relationship. To treat him as less than. Is this really the person you want to be?
You make excuses for her hatred by hiding behind her being Indian - thereby disrespecting an entire race of people as well. As has been said, she is not a bigot because she is Indian, she’s a bigot because she’s a bigot. I have to assume you do this so that you don’t have to face up to the fact you are actively choosing a bigot over your own brother, which makes you worse than her. You should know better!
I hope she’s worth it mate, because the first nail in the coffin of your relationship with your brother has already been hammered in.
You need to fully grasp this OP, if you marry this woman you will no longer have a brother. Can you live with that?
YTA, an indian here and i am done with how people treat homosexuals. She is being a hypocrite. Our religious texts and stories are full of lgbt stories. Only if people read more before judging. Also homosexuality is acceptable and a long term partner can share the same privileges as the spouse. If tomorrow my kid comes upto me and tells me they aren’t straight, I would doubly need to support them as world is cruel to people who dare to deviate. What happens if your kid is homosexual tomorrow? She’ll disown them?
"She doesn't hate gay people but she doesn't support them and said they would ruin her perfect day"
Holy shit OP, your fiance just showed her true colors AND YOU ARE ENABLING IT
you are the 1/3rd that let's bullies get away with it by telling the victims to suck it up. YTA and you deserve eachother
"They don't hate you they just treat you like shit, nbd"
Ugh
YTA
OP…your wife’s a homophobe accept it. The quicker you realise this the quicker you can decide whether you’re going to support her discrimination or not.
Consequently by supporting your wife you’re becoming one yourself. The fact that she’s “allowed” your brother to come to the wedding should be clue enough that your wife does not accept your brother and never will.
Either you support your brother and show that you love him or you support your wife and doom your relationship with your brother forever.
YTA. Yes indeed.
Your fiancée needs to lose her homophobia and fast. Are you sure you want to marry a woman whose values regarding gay people and your own sibling is out of step with your own?
Question? Are you having a child-free wedding? As in, no one under the age of 18?
If the answer to that question is no…then your fiancé is, in point of fact, homophobic and bigoted. Why do I believe that? Aside from your fiancé being livid at the idea (overreaction, anyone)? Because she’s revealed that when she said she was already letting your little brother attend and he should be happy about that. If it’s not a child-free wedding, why would allowing your underage brother be considered special dispensation?
Not allowing a 15 year old a +1 isn’t an altogether unreasonable thing. But someone becoming livid at the idea of that +1 being the gay boyfriend? That’s a lot of emotional energy. You’re kidding yourself if you think your fiancé is going to be more accepting of your brother after marriage. What are you going to do when your wife doesn’t want your 20 year old brother to bring his partner to a family gathering you happen to be hosting? Or doesn’t want your brother to spend any time with your children unless he leaves his partner at home.
YWBTA if you don’t seriously think through the long term implications of her extreme reaction about this. Because it’s not just about the wedding. It’s about your relationship with your brother. If you can live with the gradual exclusion of your brother from your life, by all means, marry the woman. Just don’t expect your brother to tolerate being shoved into any handy closet to keep your fiancé/wife happy.
Your brother is right. Your future wife is homophobic and you're enabling it by supporting it.
It's great to be considerate of a partner's different opinions, culture and beliefs, but bigotry shouldn't be indulged. It should be a red line. It's not for you, and you have a close family member who will suffer because of it.
>When I brought this up to my fiancé she was livid she hated the idea of him bring his boyfriend to the wedding. Now while my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either. She insisted that they would ruin our special day and she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that.
You need to reread what you wrote here. She doesn't hate gay people but she was livid at mere idea of the boyfriend coming, believes his mere presence will ruin the wedding, and thinks letting the groom's gay sibling come at all is a "compromise"? She hates gay people, OP.
YTA, and you're downplaying the problem that exists between your fiancee and your brother. It's much bigger than either of them have been admitting to you, and it's much bigger than you've been admitting to yourself, which is why they are both blowing up now.
Way to show your brother that you in fact do not accept him for who he is. Enjoy your life with your bigoted wife and her family dude.
Think carefully about the relationship you want to have going forward with your brother as this will be a turning point.
Edited to add judgement- YTA big time and a bigger one than your fiancée for allowing her poison to affect your brother.
It’s interesting that you would love a woman so much who holds this value when you do not. It’s not like you disagree about paint color. You disagree on a fundamental aspect of humanity and a disagreement that directly affects your brother whom you love and who probably looks up to you. You are starting a marriage by throwing your brother on a trash heap. What else will you sacrifice for this woman and will it ever be enough? It won’t.
Grow a backbone and protect the people you love, set boundaries to your fiancee. It shouldn't be a question, but you telling her that this is non-negotiable. YTA
If other people's partners can come, and the gay boyfriend of who you call your best friend can't... How are you even asking this question? Invite him already, please. I really feel for your brother now.
Chances are that the boyfriend or even your brother won't want to come anyways, I would not feel welcome whatsoever anymore... You're not the asshole here, but your future wife definitely is. What a sad post :(
Grow a spine and see how homophobic your fiancé is. She doesn't support the gays, letting it go for your brother (doesn't sound like it) and thinks it'll ruin the wedding. I'm with brother on this on 100% and seems like you don't actually support your brother either if you're so willing to discard him for your homophobic fiancé and yes you are discarding him not just his boyfriend.
You know your brother won't want to ever see or talk to you again if you go through with this wedding right? He now has 100% proof that your fiancé hates him for his sexuality which can easily extend to you being homophobic too right? You chose a homophobic woman (& family) over your brother so you only blame yourself if you get so much hate afterwards.
I say this as a bisexual, I'm trying to make you realise going through with this wedding will be your downfall. Say you get new friends, some are of the community and suddenly you have no friends because how dare you be friends with those people and the people who support it. Seeing it now? You'd start being surrounded by other homophobic people because those are the only people your wife allows around you, and guess what you'll hate everything and your wife especially.
Sure it's hard because you're deeply in love but what's more important? A life without your family and friends or having a heartbreak for a few months then you find the right one and who isn't homophobic and will want your brother and whomever his boyfriend may be at the wedding.
Sure I may going a little overboard but it's a path that is light up right now. This wedding is also yours so if you want your brother and his boyfriend there then why is there an issue, the issue is your fiancé plain and simple. Have a serious sit down with yourself and think hard on this, then sit down in a calm manner and get more details from fiancé on why? The answer will show you everything you need to know. Hell you came here so something is already nagging at you that what she is doing and saying is wrong, listen to your gut on this. Do better and be better.
Why are you marrying somebody who so openly disrespects your brother, who you call your best friend?
She’s a homophobe and you’re marrying her. You tolerate her intolerance, which in turn makes *you* intolerant of your own fucking brother. What a fucking disgrace you are.
YTA, gaping in fact.
Ask yourself this - What happens if you have kids and your child isn't straight?
How will your soon to be wife react?
Sharing morals is a pretty important part of marriage.
Let's play a game! Let's play "capture the red flags"!
>my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either
One homophobic red flag! 🚩
Not supporting gay people is being homophobic, bunny. They just want to exist like everyone else.
>She insisted that they would ruin our special day
One narcissist red flag! 🚩
How a teen couple would ruin her day exactly? Oh yeah. Because they are gay abd she's a bigot so she will be upset.
>she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that.
Two narcissist and homophobic red flags! 🚩 🚩
Oh yes! He should be soooo grateful to be allowed in his brother wedding because *check notes* he likes men.
>I really want my wife to be happy on our wedding day so I agreed
One doormat red flag! 🚩
So you are ready to accept excluding your brother of the wedding and forcing him in the close because your wife is a biggot? Nice.
>I'm really upset about because I really wanted him to be my best man
One main character syndrome red flag! 🚩
Then don't treat him like trash. He doesn't own you anything. Especially when you are spitting in his face because wifey told you to.
>I really do love him and his boyfriend but the day isn't only about me I want to take my fiancé wishes into consideration so we can both have our dream day.
Second doormat red flag! 🚩
Sounds like the day is only about her. Why are you marrying this woman who barely tolerate your *check notes again* best friend brother for loving someone she doesn't approve?
>I also really do want my brother to go to my wedding It means so much to me
And second main character syndrome red flag! 🚩
And it means much more for him to be able to love whoever he wants without being treated like a family shame but who cares, am I right?
>AITA for not letting my little brothers boyfriend come to my wedding?
Toral: 8 🚩 in one short post. Do you need more explanation?
Bonus:
>He called us bigots and was sick of pretending that he liked her for my sake. He called us homophobes and said he won't go to a bigots wedding.
Sounds like your so perfect wife is not so nice to your family and they stay silent for your sake. Don't you hear the major 🚩?
Good for your brother to have a spin. If you want to marry this woman, know that you will have to walk all over everyone she doesn't approve. YTA
YTA.
I'm an Indian living in India and I gotta say your fiance is a raging homophobe. This is literally your brother you are trying to exclude from your wedding. His only "mistake" is being gay. Unless he disrespected your fiance there's no reason for either of you to ask him to not to attend the wedding.
He's barely 15, this incident will shape his future relationship with you. Who's to say your wife won't sulk about you hanging out with him two years down the lane? Please don't do this to a kid. Invite him. You said it yourself that he's like your best friend. And also your wife needs to view your brother as more than being gay. I know everytime she looks at him, all she sees is a "gay", not a future BIL or a brother.
I hope you don't turn 70 and be on reddit just to redescribe this incident and ask where you went wrong.
" She's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that."
I'm sorry, aren't you the freaking groom? Who is she to "let" him go to the wedding.
She’s “livid” at the thought of a gay couple being at the wedding but she… *checks notes*… doesn’t hate gay people. K.
YTA through and through for accommodating her overt homophobia.
"I totally accept my gay little brother except when my fiancee decides to show her true colors as a bigot." Yikes. YTA dude. If I was your brother, I wouldn't have a big brother anymore.
YTA. I’ll keep it short-your brother whom you *were* extremely close to coming to your wedding, is being treated as if your finance did something amazing for you by ‘letting’ him attend. Walking talking GIANT RED FLAG. You care so much about her you destroyed your entire relationship with your brother (at a time in his life where your love and support were essential to his well being)- too bad she doesnt care about you. The love and respect you have for her isn’t mutual. You need to wake the hell up. She’s already treating you like a door mat and you’re so tangled around her finger you don’t even realize it. You brother deserves so much better than the two of you.
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YTA Your fiance DOES indeed hate gay people, her actions and comments have shown this 100% She IS a bigot and a homophobe as your brother pointed out. Saying that his BF couldn't go is essentially telling him that you value your fiancee's bigoted views more than your relationship with him. Your relationship with this woman has already created an enormous rift between you and your brother, and after this I would be surprised if you can keep both of them in your life at the same time. Interestingly - had you approached the situation differently it might not have been so bad. I don't think it would be unusual to deny a +1 to a wedding for a 15 year old in a (thus far) short term relationship.
It would still have been bad because he would still have been marrying a homophobe
She treated it like a big deal she let OP’s brother attend (which for her was already a compromise), she wouldn’t have given him a second thought in that way if he were straight.
I can't get past the she's already "letting" the little brother go! For sure, OP ITA. He needs to drop the girlfriend or drop the pretense that he's a swell guy.
I read that and thought immediately- right there, she’s admitting she is a bigot. Not uncomfortable with gay people, full on homophobe.
And possibly prejudiced against all kinds of other people too: the way OP says she is “very conservative.” In light of the rest of the post, this reads like code for “racist and bigoted in every way possible.” Does OP really think he’ll be allowed a relationship with his younger brother if he stays with this “person”? She must be magic in the bedroom for OP to put up with this excuse for a human. Or he’s a closeted bigot himself...
yeah, sounds like her "dream day" includes not having gay people around.
And what does she even mean, "let"? OP's brother is his best friend, (for all the good it did him) she has no right to deny him entrance just because she's homophobic. It's like OP informed her she should be grateful he's letting her indian family go to the wedding because they're POCs. Just imagine OP going "well, I'm racist and it's my day. I'll tolerate your direct family, but they can't have +1s that aren't white, because having to look at their brown skin with my blessed, virginal eyes will ruin my day". That's how bad this is. YTA
She means she's letting him exist in her fiance's life and not making too much fuss (right now). Guarantee that after the wedding she demands OP go NC with the brother. Bottom line, OP - marry her and take on her bigotry, or end the relationship and be a decent human being to your brother.
Yup, NC sounds about right. If not after the wedding, then when she get pregnant (if they plan to have kids), so the baby won't be contaminated by his gay germs. Or maybe she'll let OP have his brother in his life as long as neither she nor their kids have to acknowledge the brother's existence? Pay no attention to the guy sitting on the sofa.
That's a great way to put it
This is what made me maddest! And why does op melt and say okay!?! That makes it worse!!
Because he is a pick-me man and will do anything for female approval. We bag on women and girls for being this way but it’s just as harmful when men do it.
Right? Why is OP making someone who *let* his brother come to the wedding and says OP should be grateful for that… OP, how are all the other life events going to go? Is your brother going be allowed around your kids? And when he gets married are you going to let your wife keep you from going? This is the death knell of your relationship with your brother, are you cool with that? Happy to give up your brother for you wife? Prepared to deal with the family issues that will come from it over the years?
Homophobic people can sit back and say "it's just a phase" as long as the person stays single. Once they are in a relationship it becomes more real to them.
"But it's her special day! I don't want to ruin her special day by making her be a decent human being!" - OP, probably
It's his special day too! Maybe he doesn't get that.
I recently was seeing something about how men are much more likely to feel fine marrying outside of their beliefs. I think it was first centered around abortion. But these guys don't think about the future. Sure, you may really want kids and never run into the abortion topic in your relationship. But what about your kids? Sure, you're straight, you only have to occasionally hear their opinion on LGBT+. But what about your kids? Your friends? Your family? Their beliefs, political, religious, ect, will all after your life in someway, even if it's not immediately apparent how. Even as someone who doesn't want kids I couldn't marry someone with the opposing view on a lot of life.
I feel like she would take this as a win and start to slow cut op's brother out of his life too. It worked for the wedding, why not the rest of his life??
This. OP, YTA for capitulating to your fiancée’s homophobia, but more than that, YTA for marrying a homophobe in the first place.
100% and I would add that if you are marrying a homophobe and support that homophobe, then that kind of makes OP a homophobe.
No kinda about it. If you support a stance, then you align yourself with that stance.
Yeah…. My kind of was being a bit ironic. What really gets me is that OP is protesting his love for his brother so much while at the same time supporting his fiancées hateful attitude.
fr. “i love my brother but i’m not gonna protect him from my homophobic fiancé, who i’ve admitted to not agreeing with politically” what good does your disagreement do if you’re still gonna let your brother be sneered and looked down at… for being gay. OP, YTA. not for telling him no to a plus 1, but to marry someone who hates your brother for something completely out of his control. i hope she’s worth it, because you won’t have a brother much longer. it’s laughable you claim to love him, clearly not that much if you’re just cool with how your fiancé treats him. you’re no better than her, you’re a homophobe. signed, a queer trans person. hope your brother finds a better brother than you
There are 3 majors parts of society. Bullies, victims, and enablers. So it's always 2 against 1. OP is the enabler
If you permit it, you promote it.
In Spanish we have a saying that goes: “Tell me who you’re with and I’ll tell you who you are” If you’re associating with a homophobe, then hon, sorry, but you’re a homophobe.
In American English we say " Birds of a feather, flock together ". But this is an old saying.... I'm old but I agree with you. Edit: correction made, flock together instead of stick together, VERY important
Trash marries trash
Exactly. I’m an Indian and yes while our society is more traditional OP’s fiancé is a bigot. She asked the brother to be happy because he’s invited? Seriously? Considering she comes from an Indian family OP, you should ask her how her fam would feel if even a first cousin of hers isn’t invited. Indian society is big on family. She can’t pick and choose traditions that suit her. YTA
I am married to a Trini and there are a lot of Indian families (and families of Indian heritage) in Trinidad. There is a very large Indian LGBT+ community and while West Indians as a whole are very intolerant it seems to me that their Indian families are pretty supportive of them (I have quite a few gay friends from the Indian community there). My daughter is gay and she came out while we were living there so I did my best to get involved with them and we were very proud to march in the country's first gay pride parade :).
Yes Indians have slowly become more accepting of the LGBT community. Not saying there aren’t bigots but frankly it’s not excusable because of tradition
And what if one of their future children are gay?
What’s that saying? “If you have dinner with 10 people and 1 nazi who are willingly eating together, you are having dinner with 11 nazis” Only OP is getting married to a bigot, and expecting us to not believe he’s a bigot himself. And that she’ll just magically get better if he goes along with this for the wedding I’m not gay but I am an ally (an actual one, not like OP) and I could not think of any situation where I would willingly marry someone who is homophobic. It would be an absolute deal breaker for me OP, your silence and inaction are speaking volumes. Go be a homophobe with your new wife, leave your brother alone to find himself a chosen family since his actual family is terrible
>Now while my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either. She insisted that they would ruin our special day and she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that. And I really want my wife to be happy on our wedding day so I agreed and told my brother that his boyfriend could not go. I tried to explain this to my brother but he was equally If not more angry at me then my wife was. Of course, little bro is angry with OP. OP's wife is a homophobic bigot. She's so bigoted that she thinks it's a big deal she's "letting" your gay little brother be your best man. She's so bigoted it's going to "ruin" her special day knowing that there's a gay couple at the wedding - her husband's brother and his boyfriend. OP loves his bigoted wife so much you're willing to exclude his brother's boyfriend from the wedding for no other reason that it will make his bigoted wife happy in her bigotry. >Now he refuses to go at all which I'm really upset about because I really wanted him to be my best man. Well, *of course* he's not going to be the best man. OP, if you're reading this, you just made clear to him you regard satisfying your wife's bigotry as much more important to you than respecting your brother. Why would he even want to be your best man now? Probably your wife has a homophobic bigot brother or friend who'll be much better suited to you in your new life in which your little brother has gone LC with you.YTA
Nah, even with a different approach this is still a jerk move. The thinly veiled excuse would be obvious, and the fact Fiancée has never liked brother would A) still be visible, and B) become even more noticeable when she insists that Bro can’t bring boyfriends to the house. Or after they have children, that Bro can’t be around lest he “pollute” them
Agreed,
Big point being missed as well. If OP and fiancé want children what happens if one of those children is gay?
Wife will probably have son offed for being shameful to her family, let’s be honest. Edit: I don’t condone the fiancé’s behaviour. It’s absolutely abhorrent. I’m just remembering a documentary about an Indian-Canadian girl who was offed by her incredibly traditional family back in India for marrying someone from a different cultural group. It’s what I was making reference to.
Nah, just henpecked for life and constantly introduced to some random woman vaguely connected through the diaspora community as a "possible match!"
Set up with cousins and people they don’t know for life. I was talking about my friends of that ethnicity this past year. One was in a fight with their mother because they refused to marry their cousin and their mom took it as an insult. Yeah, because somehow being in love with someone of the same sex is worse than making progeny with your cousin. >.>
She’s not just a bigot, she’s a bigot who is also a hypocrite (and liar). As an Indian, I can confirm that a person/family that is liberal enough to agree to an inter-caste/inter-faith/interracial marriage is absolutely liberal enough to not be homophobic.
If the reason behind denied +1 (actual reason, not excuse) would have been brothers young age and short relationship with his partner, there would be no AH here. Since the case is your fiance is homophobe and the only reason behind denied +1 is her homophobig views, YTA. Damage is already done and marriage with this woman will cause you to get pushed even further away from your brother and probably some other relatives and family members.
It's not a short relationship. OP mentioned little bro is dating his one of best friend, meaning they're known each other for years and recently started dating. This isn't someone the little brother just met which makes it even worse.
“They will ruin the wedding”…. Yes deffs a homophobe!
I wish OP's fiance had met my mom: That was exactly what my mom said when I invited my long term best friend of 10 years and his boyfriend - two of the nicest people I ever met - to my wedding. She claimed it would reflect badly on us if her friends saw me associating with gay people closely enough to invite them to my wedding. (I bet OP's fiancé's family says similar things too.) I stood my ground and I'm glad I did despite all the tantrums and disownment threats - the gay friend and his partner took an overnight train to come to our wedding, whilst my mother's friends who supposedly cared that much almost all no-showed without forewarning.
Literally, like HOW? Is OP’s little brother’s date gonna show up in a wedding dress? Are they gonna rail each other in front of all the guests? Are they gonna set the venue on fire? Or maybe push the bride into her cake? Dramatically break up in the middle of the vows? No? Then calm tf down. They’re not ruining anything by simply BEING THERE.
I picked up on it immediately, not sure why OP has soiled glasses on. She hates gays so he's willing to ignore it. YTA
She's the love of his life and makes him happy so he condones it just to be with her. Anyone who jumps in the way of that is an immediate enemy to him. This is far from the first time I've seen brothers taking up arms because of one of their partners.
This part - she is already letting his brother to be there - what the hell is that? She is letting him? Who is she to decide and use such words? Is his brother a stray dog to let him in the house or what? OP is huge AH for even spending a day with this woman not to say to merry her.
It’s funny to me he says he wants to make his fiancé happy at their wedding but she isn’t thinking the same way towards him. So she can say no to your brother and his plus 1 but you have no say because she will throw a tantrum about it. Red flags 🚩
My partners family is Muslim and more conservative/ from another culture. My family is blended and my father is gay. He’s been married to the same person since I was small and that person is like family to me too. I brought up being scared of how some people might react to having my father at our wedding, and my partner assured me that it’s my family and if people don’t like it that’s there problem and they wouldn’t (and better not) say anything. That is a supportive response. This is so sad that your partner is marrying into your family (just as you are marrying into hers) and she cannot accept and love someone so close to you.
I give this marriage about 6 months before she makes him pick her or the brother in his life , not wanting him round her kids or their house at all... he's the ah and needs to bin this girl before marriage. She's horrible and you will lose your brother if you stay with this person
Agreed. YTA OP. To me, someone who isn't homophobic but doesn't "support" the LGBTQ+ population might be someone who doesn't go out of their way to attend Pride Parades or hang rainbow flags/have stickers/pins showing they are a safe space. To be "truly neutral" to this population would be just treating them like you would anyone else, which seems sort of freaking obvious and common sense. To not support treating that population like everyone else, IMO is homophobic. Absolutely disgusting. I would be rethinking my marriage at this point. Really don't understand how two young men going to a wedding together could RUIN the day. I feel like homophobic people think that this population is just going to steamroll in waving flags and dressing in rainbows and getting sexually inappropriate in front of everyone, when really, they are probably just going to hang out together, share a few dances, and have a good time.
"letting" the brother go is the issue, not denying an extra guest to a teen.
YTA. "She's already letting your little brother go." Are you kidding me? Him attending your wedding shouldn't require special approval from her since he is gay. You'd better draw a line now because she sounds like she's smoothing the way now to be hateful later. Do not allow this to stand.
This was the bit that stuck out for me too! She’s ‘letting’ a member of OPs family attend the wedding - and they should be happy with that!
Not just a member, OP’s brother.
The person he wants as his best man too at that.
The person he calls his "best friend" as well... I would personally cancel the wedding until she has her moral compass in order and genuinly made changes to be honest. I know love blinds but holy shit, what is this post even.
I was thinking this too. Please OP, don't marry this woman, at least not until she has put some serious work into changing her attitude. You're going to keep having to choose between her and your brother until your brother decides he isn't going to put up with it anymore. You're going to lose your brother.
His brother whom he describes as his “best friend” and whom he wants to be his best man. And they should be happy she’s *letting* the brother *attend*? What’s going to happen when OP wants to have the brother (and his brother’s partner) over for dinner? And when the brother wants to get married - will they just not go? And if OP and fiancée do get married and have kids, will those kids be allowed to be around OP’s brother (and brother’s partner/husband)? What if one of OP’s kids is LGBTQ+ ? How will that go? Sorry, OP, but I agree with other commenters - your wife does hate gay people. This is bigotry. And if you’re allowing bigotry and if bigotry isn’t a dealbreaker for you, then… you see where I’m going with this and what it says about your values, yes? Sounds like you’re endorsing and supporting bigotry yourself. I think your relationship with your brother is at greater risk than you realize here. Please think very carefully about what that means to you, because this may not be something you can undo. YTA, OP. And even moreso if you go through with this wedding. I’m sorry.
Yep. It’s deplorable!
Who was going to be his best man.
Honestly a huge huge red flag - if she's "traditional" family is everything. Her homophobia outweighs one of the singularly most important touchstones of our culture. Also traditional is such a bs excuse - I am on my way back home from a lesbian Punjabi wedding involving two of the most old school extended Sikh families I know. Was everyone happy about it? Probably not. But we drink and celebrate and at the end of the day family is everything. The idea that the brother of the groom was simply tolerated is mind blowing. I'm not even blood related and I literally was doing all the sisterly duties
Do you think there might also be undertones of "your family is not exactly the same class/religion/culture as us so they don't really count as family and never will?
Uuh no not at all...just someone using "culture" and "tradition" as a defense to their homophobia
If it was me, this is when the trouble would have started. I think she has plans to cut him out of their lives
110%… she’s already half way there. Which way it goes now will depend solely upon whether or not OP has the sense to call off the wedding and spend the next year apologising to his brother for being such an AH.
>He called us bigots >>my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either. >>She insisted that they would ruin our special day >>she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that YTA. You ARE a bigot by placating and marrying one. How could you choose to marry someone who openly hates someone else you love? Your brother deserves someone better than you.
Yeah, this is where things got really unacceptable. How dare she think that she could tell his brother he can't come because he's gay. OP you claim your brother is important to you, but choosing this terrible woman over him is obviously showing that's not true.
>You'd better draw a line now OP has done this a long time ago? By choosing to be with someone he knows is a homophobe. I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed.
Indian here, and we do not claim your fiancée’s homophobia, for the record. She’s not a bigot because she’s Indian, she’s a bigot because she’s a bigot.
Love this! And your username made me smile. Very clever
Omg 🤣🤣 *amazing* username u/naanyewest
THIS!!!!
Also the fact that she's "letting his brother go to the wedding"?! There's no such thing that's applicable here. Family are just invited by default especially when it's a sibling.
Indian here and same!
Thank you!
Exactly. Also, don't say that she's indian, so she has traditional values and doesn't approve of gay people. Family values is also a huge thing in indian tradition, and someone who is sooo "traditional " would never say that they are "letting" the brother of the groom attend.
White French Canadian here, don't worry - Bigots come in every colour, religion, region, language, country, etc.! Would never paint one nationality with the same brush!
I was literally thinking this isn’t part of Indian culture that I’ve EVER experienced. I’m not Indian, but have had a lot of friends from India (dad was the only white guy at an Indian company that moved to the states). How is OP even thinking of marrying someone who talks about his brother like that JUST because he is gay?!
FACTS HERE, BUDDY.
Totally agree with this.
As a gay may YTA. You are letting your wife’s hatred (and I’m going to call it that. Hatred.) be more important than your love and acceptance for your brother. You are marrying someone who sees your little brother as less than her. “Already letting him go” - she can get *fucked* he is your little brother. He should be there with his boyfriend. Ask him how she treats him when you aren’t around. I dare you. What would she treat your kids like if they turned out gay?
The whole thing is just horrifying. This is not the kind of thing you overlook in a relationship!! It’s not equivalent to someone leaving hair in the sink or leaving the toilet seat up. This woman actually hates OP‘s brother and will do everything in her power to exclude him and OP is willing to go along. It’s disgusting. I wish I could give OP’s brother a big hug. The kid doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.
Yeah I literally cannot comprehend the cognitive dissonance in calling this woman the love of his life while she hates his brother who OP claims to love so much. Like you said, this isn't a disagreement over minutia, this is her wishing OP's brother would just disappear. I don't understand how OP got to the level of a serious relationship with this person, let alone got to planning marriage. Dude must be one of those people who just can't stand to not be in a relationship, no matter how toxic it is.
This!!! OP is in denial. His fiancee is homophobic. He supports her hatred of his brother so that makes him homophobic too.
This one says it all OP.
Another gay guy here. F**k you OP! If you're marrying an openly homophobic witch you're just as bad.
THIS was my concern, about her treatment towards him, when OP isn't around!! I'm sure the brother just kept his mouth shut to support OP. But darn, I'm sure it wasn't always pretty.
Exactly — if a gay person just existing at the wedding is going to “ruin” her day then yeah, she hates gay people. OP is an idiot for pretending otherwise. That poor kid; 15 is a tough age for anyone, let alone for someone who just came out a year ago. Of COURSE he wants his boyfriend there for support.
Yeah and is she still going to let you see ur brother after your married because I bet not.
As a straight man, he is the AH.....
Excellent point re OP's potential children
YTA for marrying and supporting a homophobe. If you think that this isn't going to cause a rift in your family, then you're even more delusional than believing that going through this wedding and putting this woman before your brother is going to go smoothly. Your statement, "**Now my little brother (M15) is gay and has been out for about a year I'm the first one he told and I totally accept him for it."** is just total BS on your part, so please just admit it to yourself because you don't since **"I want to take my fiancé wishes into consideration so we can both have our dream day."** Just do your brother a favor and move on from him. You and Modi's followers will be very happy.
Apparently his “dream day” includes hurting his brother. Couldn’t be me.
YWBTA if you marry a person who discriminates against your brother on the sole basis of sexuality. She's not that amazing if she doesn't love your family, too. That will be her brother, too, ya know. Think about after the wedding. Think about family events. Does your brother have to cater to her forever? The answer is definitely yes. This will keep coming up until you lose your wife or you lose your brother. At least if your brother was a prick or something, I'd get it, but based on what you wrote she's just shunning him because discrimination. I have an ex-wife and a dead brother. I'll give you one guess to who I miss the most.
She’s already done a “me or him” ultimatum, she’s going to do it again. It’s also going to put OP’s parents in a situation where they have to choose between their sons and someone will be hurt by their decision. If they have kids the kids will be indoctrinated to be similarly homophobic and won’t have a relationship with their uncle.
Nah, if they have kids I’ll bet $10 that fiancée turned wife will insist Brother can’t come to the house or can’t babysit because he’ll somehow “pollute” the kids, or teach them the “wrong” things
Indian here, and a queer Indian at that. I really hate that 'tradition' is used to excuse all kind of bigotry. You know what else is traditional in India, or used to be? Women being the property of their male relatives. Widows being burned on their husbands' funeral pyres. Female foeticide and infanticide. Women being considered burdens, less than, and worse, all because of their gender. Bet your fiancee doesn't care much for those traditions. And for the record? Your fiancee's background is no excuse. There are plenty of people, either Indian or of Indian origin, who understand that there's nothing wrong with being queer, and plenty of evidence of queer relationships during pre-British times. And even if there weren't? It's 2024. She needs to grow up and get her head out of her ass. YTA. YTmassivefuckingA.
I wish I could upvote this more than once
Right?! It's NOT traditional! There's a looooong and well documented LGBTQ history in India!
Exactly! Hey OP your fiance might want to see this: https://lgbtqindiaresource.in/queer-themed-non-fictional-works/
As with so many horrible things in the world, the British are to blame.
As a fellow Indian (American if that matters), I feel the need to bring up the fact that the Mahabharatha, a well-known Hindu epic, has a character that’s basically a trans guy
Not just the Mahabharata. OP and his bigot fiancee would do well to read this book: https://champaca.in/products/same-sex-love-in-india-a-literary-history?variant=32123293335587
Let’s back this up. Why are you marrying a homophobic AH to begin with? Why are you bringing that around your gay brother? Clearly he’s not actually like your best friend. Best friends would never do this to each other. You’re a closeted homophobic. Because anyone with any decency who loved their sibling wouldn’t be doing this. Only a homophobic AH could marry another homophobic AH. So yes, YTA.
It brings to mind the old saying that if you have 9 regular people at a table and 1 Nazi, you have 10 Nazis.
As a German, this. https://youtu.be/_20_U0Awu-k?si=5hb8VBQaGxiSZdXL
There is nothing closeted about his homophobia.
I only meant in that he thinks he’s not. The rest of us see it clear as day.
Sorry, I wasn’t criticising you, just adding my thoughts on him
YTA. Stand up for your brother. Better yet, how about not marrying a bigot when you have a gay brother?
Or just not marry a bigot ever, for any reason. Let them be a dying breed.
My heart breaks for your brother. Your life will never change. You will always allow your wife’s hate to come first, and if you marry her you will lose your brother forever. No uncle, no brother, maybe no parents too if they too support your brother and are seeing how you and your fiancé are treating him. The question you need to ask yourself is, is it worth it?
Makes me really concerned for any future children op might have.
YTA Why are you marrying someone that *barely* tolerates a member of your family that you're close to, and thinks he is lucky to even be invited? Anyone with that level of hate with this much controlling tendencies is only going to get worse over time. What's next? Brother can't come round the holidays because she doesn't agree with his "lifestyle"? Can't be around the nieces or nephews because they'll "get ideas"? Seriously, you're letting this person, whom you haven't even married yet, dictate what relationship you're allowed with your own sibling, due to her bigotry. You've chosen the wrong side.
YTA "Now while my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either. She insisted that they would ruin our special day and she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that. " Let's cut to the chase, your fiancée hates your brother. What I don't get is why you aren't defending your brother or even asking for clarification? What about your brother and his bf would actually ruin her day? You will absolutely lose your relationship with your brother over this and will deserve to, as you've shown absolutely zero willingness to stick up for him in the slightest. Why would you expect any different reaction?
Where are the parents in all this? There’s no way they can quiet about it.
What’s evident to me to your point about parents, is OP learned that this kind of behavior from a partner somewhere is OK, and also learned from somewhere that this is how you respond to people with this kind of behavior (homophobia, narcissism, etc), in intimate relationships. I suspect the family dynamic is not all peachy at home. And OP is significantly older than his brother. Sounds like OP is afraid to stand up to the fiancé, and is in denial/trying to ignore the fact that she just straight up hates gay people. Trying to intellectualize it (well she didn’t overtly say gay people are bad so therefore she can’t possibly be homophobic. I wouldn’t marry a homophobe, so therefore, etc etc. or dads like this and I still love my dad or when moms like this dad doesn’t say nothing so it’s okay…or mom loves fiancé and having their approval means I’m loved or accepted they want the best for me, or etc etc this kind of circular trying to self soothe anxiety reality denial tunnel because you know the truth deep down but ignore it - similar to when people try and rationalize the abuse they receive from a partner) (Not condoning this at all, because it makes OP complicit with homophobia which is DISGUSTING … just making some general exploratory statements here). I wonder, if the parents are also bigots, and or if one of the parents fawns/placates in the marriage…so that kind of behavior has been witnessed and internalized by OP. We do know that only OP really knows about his brother’s sexuality, I bet you parents don’t know and don’t know about his BF either. Who knows maybe parents could be like fiancé, hence why OP is irrationally writing off the future wife’s bigotry. He’s just mirroring their own family dynamic, which is not good. To be clear family dynamics don’t give you a pass. You are your own person. I would be seriously though examining where you’re choice of fiancé, other people, all the behaviors are coming from, so you break that cycle. As a side, Fiancé sounds not only to be a total bigot but controlling narcissistic and definitely not someone’s LOML. True colors revealed, OP, and it’s downhill and fast from here. OP, you need to stop drop and roll before you enter a marriage with this person, and continue letting them in your life period. Bigotry, is bigotry. And when we don’t stand up to it, we tell this person and the people in our life honestly the world it’s okay. You need to ask yourself what values are you not willing to compromise on because right now your bending to a major world and moral value right now. And this is not just about your wedding, this is about your life and what you believe in. And on top of that, in the face of someone who needs you and loves you most, your brother. Think of the lesson you’re teaching him. Do everyone a favor call off this wedding, and actually show your brother you love him and that being who he is and loving him is what matters most. And also maybe get some therapy.
Excellent reply 🏆
Your future wife is a bigot and a disgrace. Tolerating the existence of gay people, so long they aren't "being gay around you" is still bigotry. What happens if one of your children is gay? How is this woman going to be? Demanding they be thrown out of the house? Bullied into "conversion therapies"? This is just the start of your family's nightmare with your future wife. I'd be really disappointed in you, and wouldn't bother pretending to accept your horrible fiance anymore either, if I was you brother. Your "compromise" isn't making your brother happy, so that's one incorrect statement you've made there, and I don't think you can love him as much as you claim if you are prepared to allow this woman to discriminate against him already. YTA for letting her set the rules for your sibling.
YTA Stop defending your bigot soon-to-be wife. She doesn't like your brother or his boyfriend because she has a problem with gay people. I feel terrible for your little brother. He deserves so much better than an enabling asshole about to marry a raging bigot. And you call him your best friend? Have fun when he goes no contact down the road because you'll never defend him to your bigot of a wife and he's finally reached his limit.
It won’t be very long down the road. He’s likely already irreparably damaged the relationship. Unbelievable!!
YTA, How could you ever agree to marry a bigot. You need to re-evaluate your priorities. This woman is toxic and will ruin your marriage.
YTA, and delusional if you really think there’s a chance you’re not. You are bringing into the family someone who “doesn’t really support” your brother’s right to EXIST. Because of you, he will have to deal with that at every family event going forward. You’re making his own family unsafe for him, and you somehow think you’re not an AH? I’d say you’re just as bad as she is, but you’re worse. That’s your own damn brother.
YTA Complacency is just as bad as outright homophia By not standing up for your brother in this, you showed him that you will stand by and watch as your fiance/wife pushes you further and further away from your brother
YTA. It's because of assholes like you that homophobia continues to be a problem; you enable the bad behavior of bigots like your fiancee. She says he should be happy that he even gets to be at the wedding, but why should he be grateful for that? She's acting like she's doing him this big favor, but he's your brother and he has a close relationship with you; he should be there. You're too much of a selfish coward to stand up to her so you're letting her hate win. Your brother is right not to attend your wedding. You've shown him that you're happy to hurt him in order to cater to your nasty fiancee.
What OP permits, Op promotes. He permits her bigotry therefore he promotes her bigotry. That poor brother.
YTA You're marrying a homophobe (who probably has a lot of other questionable views). This is going to cause life-long strife. You are choosing your future spouse over your sibling. Just don't be surprised when he declines to have a relationship with you going forward.
> my fiancé doesn't hate gay people She does. >He called us bigots He's right. >He called us homophobes You are.
YTA and so is your fiancée. Especially her. You say “she doesn’t hate gay people” and then she straight up tells you that simply having the two of them present will RUIN her special day. Think about that, OP. Your fiancée so seriously opposes having a gay couple at her wedding that she wouldn’t be able to enjoy it with them there. What is that if it’s not hate? And your decision was to tell your brother that he is not welcome to bring his gay BF to your wedding because your fiancée has a problem with gay people. Not to tell her that it’s your wedding too, she needs to get over herself, and she needs to accept that your gay brother and whomever he’s in a relationship with are going to be as welcome to you as anyone else. And if she has a problem with that, then she can be the one staying home from the wedding.
YTA I understand wanting your future wife to enjoy her wedding, but just to put it into perspective, how come making YOU happy by having your brother be your best man in a way that would make him feel comfortable (since you mentioned yourself there aren't many people his age attending) be the reason she won't enjoy it? It's just ONE person, and not ANY person, but someone you claim to love (his bf). When you told him you support him when he came out to you, you were inherently accepting the responsibility that comes with it, and now you're being a coward with no backbone at all by backing out. Now to put it into even more perspective: this demands won't stop here. If you want to have kids, do you think she'll want your brother and his partner (whether his bf or any other bf he has in the future) around your kids? What if you have kids and one of them ends up being gay? Are you going to just accept her bigotry then? I mean if you're accepting it now, you might as well accept that you're a bigot yourself. "If you're neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor", and I'm not saying you have to go out and fix the world, but man... this is your brother, one you claim to love and support... i don't know how you could live with yourself looking back on your wedding day and thinking that you _only_ had to sacrifice your morals and values regarding human rights just to make a homophobic AH happy... if you had kids, and if I was your kid, I would be terribly disappointed in you as a human. This is not a compromise, this is discrimination, and you're enabling it. Your fiancée's so called "happiness" is always going to demand of you to sacrifice your belief system, unless you're willing to change them completely, in which case, you're not really ready for marriage if you're that desperate for it to the point of irreparably damaging your relationship with your brother, bc that's what will happen. I REALLY hope you change your mind about this, not even for the benefit of your brother, but for yours, this will not stop at the wedding day, it will keep going and keep getting worse. Maybe you guys should consider couples' counseling before the wedding, you might find that maybe you are intrinsically incompatible. And you might say that this is just the only thing that you're incompatible in, but it's like a gift that keeps giving, she will never stop with these demands, whether it be regarding your brother or any other LGBTQ+ friendships you may already have or will have in the future, are you willing to hurt people you love and care about left and right just for a bigot that is not even willing to see the wrong in her views? How hurtful and damaging they are? How much of a homophobic AH she is? Are you willing to stand by and not do anything and stand by the oppresor? I think being an AH here is the least of your worries, your biggest worry should be that you're sacrificing who YOU are, the people YOU LOVE, for someone that not even for a second considered putting you first when you jumped right to doing it for her even if it meant deeply hurting someone you love. But if you truly want to know, yes, YTA, but not only that, you're also being a coward, a bigot and an appalling homophobe using the "but I love her🥺" facade to hide your true feelings, you're a hypocrite if you go through with this.
I’m an Indian The concept of gays in India is significantly improving, and India recently even revoked archaic laws that made homosexuality itself illegal. It’s moving in all the right directions Your fiancee - not so much. Sorry - but if you’re not being there for your brother because of something as inherently genetic as his eye color - so are you. YTA
What does she think they're going to do? Have sex right in front of the wedding cake? Why does she get to make this decision, is she the only one getting married on that day? If you allow this, YTA.
This is gonna end poorly for you. Godspeed, you poor poor dope.
Indian here and I can vouch that Indian society is not as orthodox as your fiancée is portraying it to be. I presume you are not an Indian and therefore her marrying you, who is not from our culture proves that. So it is your fiancée who is a bigot and a homophobe. YTA for choosing her bigotry and homophobia over your brother. I am stumped by the statement "she is allowing your brother to attend the wedding" and that "they will ruin your special day". Seriously, have you become so blind that you cannot even see the disrespect towards your own brother?? Or are you too a closeted homophobe?? How them being at your wedding ruin it?? Well stop pretending to love and accept your brother. Because you don't or else you wouldn't be marrying a AH. Also, be prepared to be treated as a doormat because happy wife happy life. Right??
Do you really want to be with someone who hates your gay brother? Really? Is it worth that much?
YTA - how you can plan to marry an obvious homophobe and induct her into your family with a gay brother is beyond me. You either support your brother or you don’t, but marrying a homophobe will never be something you can spin as supporting your brother. Do I really have to spell it out for you? If you marry a homophobe, don’t expect a strong future relationship with your gay brother. It’s pretty simple. Your wife won’t want him around kids. Or family. Even you can see the problems surely?
YTA. Your fiance is a homophobe and so are you for tolerating and supporting her homophobia. Idgaf what her cultural background is or what her other qualities are, you are knowingly marrying someone who thinks of your brother as lesser and unnatural. If you go ahead with marrying her you’re just as bad. Im super proud of your brother for standing his ground and sticking up for himself, it can be so hard especially against family. I hope he spends a lovely romantic day with his boyfriend instead of your hateful wedding.
Let me change context here, just to try to make you understand. And to make this crystal clear, this is not what i think: "While i am not a racist, I don't support immigrants from India". See how that sounds? I am sorry, mate, but your wife to be is a homophobe, and the way you talk about this issue makes me think you are too. YTA
Your wife to be is homophobic and you're allowing her to hurt your brother. YTA and so is she.
So the alleged love of your life doesn’t like your brother because he is gay and claims that your brother should be happy she is letting *him* come to the wedding *at all*. I’ll tell you what, I would NEVER be in a relationship with someone who is homophobic in general, but *especially* when someone I love so dearly is gay and my fiancé views them as less than. She is a horrible bigot and you are co-signing her views and behaviour. If you go through with this marriage be prepared to have little to no relationship with your little brother. He would be well within his rights to stay far away from your horrible asshole of a wife. And honestly YTA too.
INFO: imagine it’s a few years from now, and your wife is pregnant. She says she’s not comfortable having a gay person around her child. What will you do?
Or if their child is gay. It’s either self-loathing or fearing their parents finding out.
YTA. You can’t say you support your brother and then make the decision to marry a homophobe. You probably just destroyed your relationship with your brother over someone who hates his very existence for no reason. Do you really want to marry someone like that?
“While my fiancée doesn’t hate gay people…” “She’s already letting my little brother come and that he should be happy about that” Your fiancée hates gay people, she’s in the “I don’t mind them so long as I never have yo even look at one. She’s made it clear to you that your brother has no place in her life, by her own words. Time to ask yourself, do you want your brother in your life? Or not? And as a (bi-gay) gay man myself, I feel for your brother. It’s so hard living in a world where we don’t know who accepts us and who doesn’t. Who acts like they do while slowly trying to pull away. More than anything, it hurts to see just how easily the ones we love throw us away and deny us what basic rights others would have, simply because of who we choose to love. Any best man would be allowed to bring a plus one. By your own admission he is one of the most important people in your life, he earns the “best” in best man. And yet you so quickly threw him away and denied him that simple request, solely because the person he loves and wants to bring to your wedding is also a guy. Your fiancée has just set the question in front of you: “her, or your brother”. There’s no work around, no negotiation, no trick. It’s her or your brother. Choose, and I hope you choose wisely.
YTA. Your new wife will continue to erase your brother from your life. The wedding is just the opening shot. Are you ok with your brother being erased for no reason other then he's gay? If so, you are indeed a homophobe and deserve this witch you're marrying.
Don’t marry a homophobe. Don’t marry someone who would treat your little brother as a second-class citizen. He’s a kid now, but what happens when he’s an adult? Will she go to his wedding? Would she let your children see their uncle get married? Heck, will they know their uncle? How will holidays or family dinners be handled? Will she refuse to host him? Be glad you found out before the knot was tied. Get out and move on.
YTA by virtue of siding with your fiance, who is a bigoted asshole.
*Now while my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either.* Guess what? Your fiancee hates your brother. People don't get livid over people they don't hate. This is a biggie, but if your fiancee is this way over a 15 year old inviting his bf, the brother you want as a best man, what's going to happen when you get married? Have a baby? She'll find reasons to exclude your brother from your family. This is a biggie. I am sorry. You will not be able to have it both ways, and it looks like you will lose your brother. YTA.
Well done for destroying your relationship with your brother in order to please a homophobic bigot. Wonder what might happen if your children end up being homosexual...
YTA Your fiancée is a homophobe. Also, let me clear one thing up. I am an Indian woman living in India and have no qualms about people's personal preferences (gender, sexuality, etc...) You're right, it isn't only your day, it is also the bride's big day. But he is your little brother. What does she mean "She's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that." He is *YOUR* brother and it's your call if you want to invite him or not. Also, how would having his boyfriend attend "ruin your special day"? You could have handled this situation better.
It’s not just the one day, she’s showing what she’s going to be like for the marriage. She’s only putting up with OP’s brother being there as a favour to OP for the wedding, in her eyes that’s the only context she’ll put up with him and he’s persona non grata if he behaves gay in any way. Isolation is part of the abuser playbook, and she’s already driving a wedge between the brothers.
You and your fiancée are both the a**holes here. Your fiancée is a bigot. She’s not unsupportive—she’s hateful. She acts like she was doing you a favor by allowing your own brother to attend your wedding. Please let that sink in for a moment. She is so hateful of LGBT folks that she would prefer that your own brother didn’t come to your wedding and only included him as a favor to you. By supporting her, you are supporting her bigotry. Do you really want to support the hate of your brother and people like him? The wedding invitation and plus one is just a symptom of the underlying problem: you are being weaselly and defending your fiancée’s hate. This will never be about just one day or about the perfect wedding. This is how your life with your fiancée will be. Her hate will not end here. The only way to not be the a**hole here is to dump your fiancée and let her know that her hate is not welcome in your life. To be clear: YTA
YTA. I am also Indian and I assume that your fiancé has been hearing that same-sex marriage is just disgusting and "they will go to hell" which, funny enough I and I QUOTE "Ayurveda believes that being LGBTQ+ is not a disease, but natural and genetic " and Ayurveda is the oldest Indian medical system so don't get why some Indians are homophobic. Also your brother is right. You two (You and the fiancé here) decided to out a particular and note, BEST MAN of your wedding just because he has a boyfriend? **Ridiculous .**
British colonialism.
YTA Please let your brother go to your wedding. Stop letting your wife tell you that your own brother can’t come. Once in a lifetime experience to be a best man and you’re going to take it away from him because your wife told you so?
YTA. Love really does make people blind. Even when there's a red flag the size of Canada staring them right in the face. Dude, how you not see what a toxic person your wife to be is? She's already said that she's 'letting your brother go to the wedding'. As if she's doing you some kind of favor instead of accepting a future family member. To me, that screams RUN! Because that is just the first step. Once she had a foothold, that woman is going to find any excuse to not include your brother in anything. And if you don't agree with her, then she'll put on the crocodile tears. Saying that you don't love her and all that rot. Just so that she can guilt you into doing what she wants. Seriously, I'd reconsider this. Do you really wanna spend your life with someone that obviously doesn't respect your brother? I mean, nothing says she has to like him and vice versa, but there should at least be some common respect and manner. Neither of which she has. All that woman seems to have is spite and venom.
Jumping on here to support this. Today it's the wedding. Then it's going to be that she (and you) can't go to your folks for holidays / birthdays / etc. because "HE'S" going to be there with a significant other. Of course, any children you have won't be allowed around. AND THEN IT'S GOING TO EXPAND - Because your parents don't alienate brother and his SO, now THEY cannot potentially contaminate your future children and you cannot be around them. (It will start with the fact that she's not going to family events if they are going to be there, but ". . . you can go by yourself if you want to." Of course, you'll be iced out for DAYS afterward for "not supporting her", so you will eventually stop going). You are going to lose your parents as well (most likely) because most non-bigot parents are not going to alienate and cut ties with one child because the spouse of another objects. Grandchildren will be held hostage, too, make no mistake. Bigoted parents are a variable not considered, but may change the equation. We don't have information on that, though. Oh, and note that YOUR activities and friends will be slowly alienated as well. You can't watch the game at X's house because their spouse has a relative and you shouldn't be supporting "those people". You can't go to X gym because there are a lot of gay people there. You can't go to X restaurant because it has a reputation for serving a lot of gay folks. The list goes on and on.
Recognize that you have already destroyed the prior relationship with your brother. If you marry her, no amount of "I'm sorry" or "She's changed" or "You know how she is" or "I don't feel that way" is going to make up for what has already happened. The ONLY thing that will give you a chance (and a slim chance at that) of rebuilding your relationship with him is if you jettison her and start actively and visibly supporting your brother.
I suggest, if you marry this woman, that you have a nice, velvet-lined box made to put your balls in, because you aren't going to be needing them much in the future, especially once she has children and you are no longer necessary for her plans. Maybe get a matching one for your spine, since that's worthless as well.
Oh, and if it isn't obvious, YTA.
I rarely pity the asshole in these posts, but you are an exception. I have contempt for your actions, but pity because I do not believe you will listen to anyone here and are destined for a sad and lonely life.
Meh. Ur gonna spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE shunning your brother? Its not going to stop at blocking him from the wedding. She’s forcing you to choose. Do it wisely.
>Now while my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either. She insisted that they would ruin our special day and she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that. You do realise that your brother will not be allowed in your house or around your future kids , right? YTA
Yta. Bro ur marrying a homophobe. That’s crazy. You wanted this dude to be ur best man. Also she said she’s “letting ur little brother go”? I thought this was gonna be oh he’s only 16 and hasn’t been dating for that long but it’s not even that. How would they know they are dating in any pictures too like won’t they just look like two dudes at a wedding? I’m so baffled by homophobes but even more baffled by their enablers.
Yta if you marry this woman and her homophobic views and ever want a relationship with your brother ever again! He is your family!! And you’re about to let someone dictate who is and is not allowed to be family?! You not only marry the person, but combine families. And since you’re not LC/NC with your family, it means you accept them all barring abusiveness!
YTA - this should be a deal breaker for any supportive person. You are using the wrong words here. You are the one who isn't really supportive and she is just a homophobe. Because if you were supportive and accepting, you would.have looked at her and said: "you're joking, right? Because this would be a deal breaker."
YTA. You're marrying someone who will never support your brother who you claim to love. Have you ever thought about the long term impacts of this? Remember that really nice relationship you and your brother had? You can kiss that goodbye if you choose to stay with someone who is so clearly very homophobic. It's gross that you seem to be totally ok with her horrible views.
YTA. FYI the “love of your life” is a huge homophobe, and you allowing her to treat your brother and his bf that way makes you no better than her. She’s “allowing” your brother to attend? Clearly she doesn’t want any openly gay people there, and she was just humoring you. You’re both being bigots though, by not allowing the bf to go. It would be one thing if you said that he couldn’t go because it’s a short term relationship (so far) and a plus 1’s are only allowed for long term relationships (I’ve heard of couples who make that rule for weddings, mainly to keep the guest list manageable), but you’re not letting him come because he’s gay. You’re marrying a woman who hates your brother and his bf because of their sexuality, but that shouldn’t be acceptable to you. If I discovered my partner was bigoted against someone I loved, the relationship would be over. I would never prioritize my partner’s hatred for a loved one or enable the hateful behavior. Don’t be surprised if you never hear from your brother again. And don’t act like you get to be upset either. If you weren’t enabling bigotry, this wouldn’t be a problem.
OP. WTF dude! Of course you’re TAH. You say you love your brother and he’s like your best friend, yet you are willing to allow your fiancée to completely disrespect him and his relationship. To treat him as less than. Is this really the person you want to be? You make excuses for her hatred by hiding behind her being Indian - thereby disrespecting an entire race of people as well. As has been said, she is not a bigot because she is Indian, she’s a bigot because she’s a bigot. I have to assume you do this so that you don’t have to face up to the fact you are actively choosing a bigot over your own brother, which makes you worse than her. You should know better! I hope she’s worth it mate, because the first nail in the coffin of your relationship with your brother has already been hammered in. You need to fully grasp this OP, if you marry this woman you will no longer have a brother. Can you live with that?
YTA, an indian here and i am done with how people treat homosexuals. She is being a hypocrite. Our religious texts and stories are full of lgbt stories. Only if people read more before judging. Also homosexuality is acceptable and a long term partner can share the same privileges as the spouse. If tomorrow my kid comes upto me and tells me they aren’t straight, I would doubly need to support them as world is cruel to people who dare to deviate. What happens if your kid is homosexual tomorrow? She’ll disown them?
"She doesn't hate gay people but she doesn't support them and said they would ruin her perfect day" Holy shit OP, your fiance just showed her true colors AND YOU ARE ENABLING IT you are the 1/3rd that let's bullies get away with it by telling the victims to suck it up. YTA and you deserve eachother "They don't hate you they just treat you like shit, nbd" Ugh
YTA. You're enabling homophobic behavior.
She’s “letting” your little brother go? To your wedding!! Will she “let” you see him in the future?
Yta
YTA OP…your wife’s a homophobe accept it. The quicker you realise this the quicker you can decide whether you’re going to support her discrimination or not. Consequently by supporting your wife you’re becoming one yourself. The fact that she’s “allowed” your brother to come to the wedding should be clue enough that your wife does not accept your brother and never will. Either you support your brother and show that you love him or you support your wife and doom your relationship with your brother forever.
YTA. Yes indeed. Your fiancée needs to lose her homophobia and fast. Are you sure you want to marry a woman whose values regarding gay people and your own sibling is out of step with your own?
Question? Are you having a child-free wedding? As in, no one under the age of 18? If the answer to that question is no…then your fiancé is, in point of fact, homophobic and bigoted. Why do I believe that? Aside from your fiancé being livid at the idea (overreaction, anyone)? Because she’s revealed that when she said she was already letting your little brother attend and he should be happy about that. If it’s not a child-free wedding, why would allowing your underage brother be considered special dispensation? Not allowing a 15 year old a +1 isn’t an altogether unreasonable thing. But someone becoming livid at the idea of that +1 being the gay boyfriend? That’s a lot of emotional energy. You’re kidding yourself if you think your fiancé is going to be more accepting of your brother after marriage. What are you going to do when your wife doesn’t want your 20 year old brother to bring his partner to a family gathering you happen to be hosting? Or doesn’t want your brother to spend any time with your children unless he leaves his partner at home. YWBTA if you don’t seriously think through the long term implications of her extreme reaction about this. Because it’s not just about the wedding. It’s about your relationship with your brother. If you can live with the gradual exclusion of your brother from your life, by all means, marry the woman. Just don’t expect your brother to tolerate being shoved into any handy closet to keep your fiancé/wife happy.
Your brother is right. Your future wife is homophobic and you're enabling it by supporting it. It's great to be considerate of a partner's different opinions, culture and beliefs, but bigotry shouldn't be indulged. It should be a red line. It's not for you, and you have a close family member who will suffer because of it. >When I brought this up to my fiancé she was livid she hated the idea of him bring his boyfriend to the wedding. Now while my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either. She insisted that they would ruin our special day and she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that. You need to reread what you wrote here. She doesn't hate gay people but she was livid at mere idea of the boyfriend coming, believes his mere presence will ruin the wedding, and thinks letting the groom's gay sibling come at all is a "compromise"? She hates gay people, OP. YTA, and you're downplaying the problem that exists between your fiancee and your brother. It's much bigger than either of them have been admitting to you, and it's much bigger than you've been admitting to yourself, which is why they are both blowing up now.
Way to show your brother that you in fact do not accept him for who he is. Enjoy your life with your bigoted wife and her family dude. Think carefully about the relationship you want to have going forward with your brother as this will be a turning point. Edited to add judgement- YTA big time and a bigger one than your fiancée for allowing her poison to affect your brother.
ESH but the kid > I want to take my fiancé wishes into consideration so we can both have our dream day. So her wish is to exclude people?
It’s interesting that you would love a woman so much who holds this value when you do not. It’s not like you disagree about paint color. You disagree on a fundamental aspect of humanity and a disagreement that directly affects your brother whom you love and who probably looks up to you. You are starting a marriage by throwing your brother on a trash heap. What else will you sacrifice for this woman and will it ever be enough? It won’t.
Ew why are you marrying this bigot YTA
Grow a backbone and protect the people you love, set boundaries to your fiancee. It shouldn't be a question, but you telling her that this is non-negotiable. YTA
If other people's partners can come, and the gay boyfriend of who you call your best friend can't... How are you even asking this question? Invite him already, please. I really feel for your brother now. Chances are that the boyfriend or even your brother won't want to come anyways, I would not feel welcome whatsoever anymore... You're not the asshole here, but your future wife definitely is. What a sad post :(
Grow a spine and see how homophobic your fiancé is. She doesn't support the gays, letting it go for your brother (doesn't sound like it) and thinks it'll ruin the wedding. I'm with brother on this on 100% and seems like you don't actually support your brother either if you're so willing to discard him for your homophobic fiancé and yes you are discarding him not just his boyfriend. You know your brother won't want to ever see or talk to you again if you go through with this wedding right? He now has 100% proof that your fiancé hates him for his sexuality which can easily extend to you being homophobic too right? You chose a homophobic woman (& family) over your brother so you only blame yourself if you get so much hate afterwards. I say this as a bisexual, I'm trying to make you realise going through with this wedding will be your downfall. Say you get new friends, some are of the community and suddenly you have no friends because how dare you be friends with those people and the people who support it. Seeing it now? You'd start being surrounded by other homophobic people because those are the only people your wife allows around you, and guess what you'll hate everything and your wife especially. Sure it's hard because you're deeply in love but what's more important? A life without your family and friends or having a heartbreak for a few months then you find the right one and who isn't homophobic and will want your brother and whomever his boyfriend may be at the wedding. Sure I may going a little overboard but it's a path that is light up right now. This wedding is also yours so if you want your brother and his boyfriend there then why is there an issue, the issue is your fiancé plain and simple. Have a serious sit down with yourself and think hard on this, then sit down in a calm manner and get more details from fiancé on why? The answer will show you everything you need to know. Hell you came here so something is already nagging at you that what she is doing and saying is wrong, listen to your gut on this. Do better and be better.
Why are you marrying somebody who so openly disrespects your brother, who you call your best friend? She’s a homophobe and you’re marrying her. You tolerate her intolerance, which in turn makes *you* intolerant of your own fucking brother. What a fucking disgrace you are. YTA, gaping in fact.
Ask yourself this - What happens if you have kids and your child isn't straight? How will your soon to be wife react? Sharing morals is a pretty important part of marriage.
Let's play a game! Let's play "capture the red flags"! >my fiancé doesn't hate gay people she doesn't really support them either One homophobic red flag! 🚩 Not supporting gay people is being homophobic, bunny. They just want to exist like everyone else. >She insisted that they would ruin our special day One narcissist red flag! 🚩 How a teen couple would ruin her day exactly? Oh yeah. Because they are gay abd she's a bigot so she will be upset. >she's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that. Two narcissist and homophobic red flags! 🚩 🚩 Oh yes! He should be soooo grateful to be allowed in his brother wedding because *check notes* he likes men. >I really want my wife to be happy on our wedding day so I agreed One doormat red flag! 🚩 So you are ready to accept excluding your brother of the wedding and forcing him in the close because your wife is a biggot? Nice. >I'm really upset about because I really wanted him to be my best man One main character syndrome red flag! 🚩 Then don't treat him like trash. He doesn't own you anything. Especially when you are spitting in his face because wifey told you to. >I really do love him and his boyfriend but the day isn't only about me I want to take my fiancé wishes into consideration so we can both have our dream day. Second doormat red flag! 🚩 Sounds like the day is only about her. Why are you marrying this woman who barely tolerate your *check notes again* best friend brother for loving someone she doesn't approve? >I also really do want my brother to go to my wedding It means so much to me And second main character syndrome red flag! 🚩 And it means much more for him to be able to love whoever he wants without being treated like a family shame but who cares, am I right? >AITA for not letting my little brothers boyfriend come to my wedding? Toral: 8 🚩 in one short post. Do you need more explanation? Bonus: >He called us bigots and was sick of pretending that he liked her for my sake. He called us homophobes and said he won't go to a bigots wedding. Sounds like your so perfect wife is not so nice to your family and they stay silent for your sake. Don't you hear the major 🚩? Good for your brother to have a spin. If you want to marry this woman, know that you will have to walk all over everyone she doesn't approve. YTA
YTA. I'm an Indian living in India and I gotta say your fiance is a raging homophobe. This is literally your brother you are trying to exclude from your wedding. His only "mistake" is being gay. Unless he disrespected your fiance there's no reason for either of you to ask him to not to attend the wedding. He's barely 15, this incident will shape his future relationship with you. Who's to say your wife won't sulk about you hanging out with him two years down the lane? Please don't do this to a kid. Invite him. You said it yourself that he's like your best friend. And also your wife needs to view your brother as more than being gay. I know everytime she looks at him, all she sees is a "gay", not a future BIL or a brother. I hope you don't turn 70 and be on reddit just to redescribe this incident and ask where you went wrong. " She's already letting my little brother go and that he should be happy about that." I'm sorry, aren't you the freaking groom? Who is she to "let" him go to the wedding.
She’s “livid” at the thought of a gay couple being at the wedding but she… *checks notes*… doesn’t hate gay people. K. YTA through and through for accommodating her overt homophobia.
"I totally accept my gay little brother except when my fiancee decides to show her true colors as a bigot." Yikes. YTA dude. If I was your brother, I wouldn't have a big brother anymore.
YTA. I’ll keep it short-your brother whom you *were* extremely close to coming to your wedding, is being treated as if your finance did something amazing for you by ‘letting’ him attend. Walking talking GIANT RED FLAG. You care so much about her you destroyed your entire relationship with your brother (at a time in his life where your love and support were essential to his well being)- too bad she doesnt care about you. The love and respect you have for her isn’t mutual. You need to wake the hell up. She’s already treating you like a door mat and you’re so tangled around her finger you don’t even realize it. You brother deserves so much better than the two of you.