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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole since what I said to her was kind of like rubbing salt in her wound.
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NTA. She’s looking for you to relieve her guilt for the time she has lost rather than looking to see what she can do to make your life better with the time she has left.
This is NOT your fault and she, as an adult, should know better.
While I generally say it is better to have a mom in your life than not, it doesn’t sound like she is making an effort so no sense in dwelling on her for too long.
>If she had been successful, do you think she would have returned?
100%. If she'd gotten a J Lo level of career she'd have PR people doing everything in their power to deny OP even exists.
>A parent is not someone who can voluntarily walk away like that.
In this situation, for these reasons, agreed.
But some people are better parents for recognizing that they have nothing to offer a child at the moment and offering it for adoption, and some would argue that that is voluntarily walking away as well.
I was homeless when i gave birth to my daughter and i gave her to a family i trusted and knew without a shadow of a doubt that shed be taken care of. I see her once a month, it would be more often if i lived closer and/or had more money to make more trips. "Walking away" was the best thing i ever did as a mother to my daughter.
OPs mother ABANDONED them to chase her dreams that obviously didnt become a reality and now shes wanting to play house as her backup plan.
>OPs mother ABANDONED them
YES! This is the difference that I couldn't put words to. There is a huge difference between walking away for the sake of the child and abandoning them because you just wanted nothing to do with them and then trying to walk back in at a later date like nothing happened because NOW it is convenient for them.
I know and it's absolute bullshit. I guarantee you that all these old white men passing these bans have their own private doctors specifically for this for the women in their lives. Hypocritical assholes. Abortion has no place in the government, states or courts! It's a very personal and agonizing choice which every woman should have the right to make.
The mother's lack of accountability is astounding. Not to mention making her child responsible for her feelings of guilt...it's not a child's job to regulate your emotions, she might have discovered that if she was an actual mother and stuck around. How do you come back into a child's life requesting help for winning the father back?! To call her a mother would be to insult actual mothers.
"I think I understand why you didn't make it in Hollywood, Mother...you can't even act like you actually care about me."
Edited to add NTA and I'd be willing to bet a whole apple pie that her parents are unwilling to continue to finance her chasing of unfulfilled dreams in Hollywood. They're pushing her to grow up and be the parent and wife.
Straight up narcissism there. If the whole leaving the "liabilities" behind to pursue acting wasn't the first clue.
OP, whatever you feel is perfectly alright. If you want to try a relationship with her, involve a therapist because she will (and has already tried) guilt and manipulation to get her way. What you said was justified. The truth hurts. You are in no way the a. NTA
Not to mention it seems she is more interested in getting the dad back than her son... I mean yeah it's limited information but just based on this that's how it feels. Why is winning dad back her first thought? And oh hey son help me manipulate your dad to get back together.
Just a hunch but I wonder if the movie thing wasn't working out, and she is having a hard time with finding a relationship, parents maybe have said hey enoughs enough we aren't sending more money on your behalf so you need to step up and now she is thinking if they get back together she will at least be taken care of.
It's hard to believe she feels guilty after 9 years. But that's just my assumption and opinion.
Either way OP needs to know none of it is fault, it's HER job to fix the relationship if she chooses to have one, and that dad probably doesn't want her back and it's wrong for her to coerce their 14yo to try to guilt him back into it. It's all wrong. I think both parents being around is great unless one is harmful to the child. Even just emotionally. And she will possibly do more harm than good. :/
>Just a hunch but I wonder if the movie thing wasn't working out, and she is having a hard time with finding a relationship, parents maybe have said hey enoughs enough we aren't sending more money on your behalf so you need to step up and now she is thinking if they get back together she will at least be taken care of.
Nailed it 🔨
Some guilt may be genuine. But I'd go with this being the main motivation.
Lol, gotta love people who think feeling guilty is punishment enough and not, you know, just the consequences of being a shitty person, almost as if feeling guilt at all absolves you, it's like...
***"I'm not a terrible parent because I regret the terrible things I did. Now forgive me please... what do you mean I need to earn your trust, way to hold a grudge, toxic much?"***
A parent who doesn't commit any time is more damaging than a parent that just stays away. Seeing my lil sister wait for her parents to visit only for them to let her down time and time again broke my heart growing up. I just wished they would have stayed away, it would have been easier on her than her constantly getting her hopes up. Plus when they would show up they were toxic.
My dad bailed when I was three (3) and my younger brother was an infant—we haven’t seen him since. Before he was gone he had time sharing. I’d get dressed up and packed and wait by the window for him to show up. After a few no shows, my mom told him to not bother.
The really messed up part is that his mother, my grandmother, never bothered to come into our life either. I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
I'm so sorry, that had to have been so hard. I swear if my kids dad's decided they wanted to be gone I would make sure they stay gone. To do that to your baby is just cruel. Grandma hopefully is put into the worse nursing home and her son follows quickly after.
> Seeing my lil sister wait for her parents to visit only for them to let her down time and time again broke my heart growing up
I have a friend who is very involved with the local youth mentoring program. She had one kid in the program "Carl" who went through this. His absentee father would make all these promises and NEVER come through on them. EVER. It ripped Carl's heart out every single time because he was a kid and, every time, he thought "It'll be different this time" and it never was. I would have been far better for Carl's father not to have reached out to Carl at all.
I hope there is a special place in hell for crappy parents who do that.
I wish I could say there was. My sisters bio mom got her head out of her @$$ but it took over 25 years. Her father just had another baby at his big age of 52 and it was recently taken by CPS. I'm sorry for your friend Carl, give him a hug for me because that had to have been so hard on him.
Tbh a person who leaves her toddler to become a movie star and than turn up again after 9 years and expect to be welcomed with open arms is far away from being an adult…
Yeah pretty much.
It’s fine to ask for forgiveness (even good), but that’s not the right way to go about it.
The prodigal son came back hoping to be a servant if he was lucky.
Also she only wants you to help her get your dad back? Does she have any empathy at all for leaving you? Sounds like a narcissist to me. Maybe look into narcissistic parents. It's not an easy thing to deal with.
She hasn't even said anything about him! It's all about the dad. Nothing about being his mom again. Maybe there's some missing info here, but it still seems she's not that interested in being a mom, just back together with her man.
NTA. The audacity of her to believe your dad would be willing to jump back into her arms after she ditched him and their child together. She should feel guilty.
Yup, this woman seems straight up delusional. Did she watch too many romcoms where the estranged parents get back together because of their meddling child? News flash: this is not how real life works, especially not after abandoning your own child. OP, you deserve much better than this, but if it’s any consolation, her blasting in and making it all about herself and getting back together with your dad instead of crawling back genuinely asking for forgiveness and making amends to YOU first and foremost just shows that she would’ve been a terrible mother if she wouldn’t have left too. Sometimes parents are so shitty that you’re better off without them and for her that may be the case.
Yes, it sounds as if she is just approaching her child to get dad back. How narcissistic. I suspect she is looking to have her own financial needs taken care of and expects OP to help "Because I'm your Mom!" I'd put that last word in bold italics if I knew how in reddit. There is an actor stereotype, the show-off narcissist who poses on stage saying "look at me, aren't I wonderful?" Obviously not all actors are like this, but this lady makes it all about her. OP is justified in staying away from her.
It sounds like she still doesn't care about OP at all. It's all about how to win her old boo back, nothing about winning OP or their love or affection.
NTA she is the one who wronged you. Any type of reconciliation should be on your terms, you where the victim from her actions after all.
You owe her nothing, it is she who owes you. Don’t let yourself be emotionally blackmailed or manipulated by her.
I agree. If OP is 14 now and she was born when the mom was 18, I have a spidey sense that now at 32 her dreams didn't work out the way she thought they would.
She foolishly thinks she can come back after over a decade and have the family she left behind come back and play house now. No way.
OP, your mom lost those rights to love and affection and forgiveness from your father and you when she never realized the huge mistake she was making and came back to be a part of your life. In 4 years you will be the age she was when you were born, and it seems like you have more maturity than your mom, if you can even call her that.
And she shouldn't be saying that you aren't allowed to express your feelings because she's "guilty enough". No she's not. She wanted bigger and better than you and your dad who have raised you.
You know that. She needs to know that you know that, and if she wants any kind of reconciliation or relationship then her parents can send some more money for family therapy for only the two of you to go to, because your dad will not take her back and hasn't even coparented with her this entire time. But that's only if you want to have a relationship; she may not be worth it and she sounds like she is still selfish.
I wondered the same thing, it would make some sense for her need to convince her ex to take her back out of the blue. There's a lot of reasons why she could've come back, but I doubt it's guilt. Maybe she feels like she can't have another baby at this age or physically can't, other relationships didn't work out, mom and dad cut her off, who knows. But her showing up like that is so selfish and terrible.
Yeah, even if her parents are rich, I can see them getting sick of funding her attempts to be a "movie star" as well as sending money to give some support to OP and their father. They probably demanded she step up and pay her fair share to her child and she's trying to avoid that by getting back together.
I'm also thinking that the grandparents were supporting their deadbeat daughter in addition to their grand daughter. That they got sick of their daughter's life going nowhere and cut her off. So she came crawling back to the family she abandoned in a vein attempt to have someone else to mooch off of.
Yup! It's disappointing, I'm a mom to a 3 year old daughter and I can't imagine leaving her and her dad. I miss them when they aren't around while I shower. I can't imagine not even checking in, visiting, calling, SOMETHING for most of her childhood. She truly did abandon OP and it's disgusting
I have a 6mo old and I get withdrawal being at work all day while he's at daycare. ;-; I can't even do 8 hrs without his pudgy little face, let alone 14 fucking years!
Aww momma I know how you feel! I sleep with my little girl and I love having her little self next to me. My poor husband sleeps in another room because his work hours are bonkers, and he snores so loud that it wakes me and her up. I go cuddle with him some nights for a bit, but I always keep an ear out for our daughter because if she wakes up immediately she goes "mommy! Where are you!" While climbing out of bed and looking in the bathroom and hallway for me. I just scoop her up and bring her back to bed and she falls asleep immediately as soon as I'm back. I hate having to drop her off for anything, but she's getting bigger and loves time with her grandparents.
You're a strong mama! I know I'll be a mess when she starts school since I'm home with her the majority of the time. Cherish the moments when they're little, because at 3 she's as sweet as can be but she also got the sassiness and attitude 😂 I miss that first year when she was only 4lbs bringing her home and having her in my arms after leaving the hospital.
OP deserves to have a good mom and it is a tragedy that her mom wasn't there for her at any point. But I'm glad she has her father and his parents, he has made OP an amazing girl who will be a million times better woman than her mom
I'm sorry for assuming! 😭 but nonetheless I'm sure you're an amazing dad. My husband was gone for three days on a work trip and he cried when he got home the moment he saw our daughter because he didn't want to not see her those three days and said she had gotten bigger. But get those cuddles in regardless, sing the lullabies, do the funny faces. My husband always went on walks with her in a stroller every evening after work and she loved it!
He loves going in the front pack when we walk the dog. The other day I had him facing outward and he spent the whole walk alert and looking at the world. It was so fucking cute. He's started rolling and I looked at wife and was like, well fuck now we need to clear all the clothes off the crib and use it for its intended purpose. >. <
Oh yeah I remember when my daughter was about 1.5 and she would want to hold our dogs leash, so I would let her hold onto it during our walks while she was in the stroller! It's so sweet when they start talking too, pointing out different things and getting so excited! But yes definitely need something to put down in the grass for when they roll around so they don't get dirty 😂 I'm so glad that yall do that, I miss those family walks when our daughter was little, but I love the walks we have now where she's holding both of our hands and we can lift her up and she giggles with excitement. It truly gets better and better!
Anybody who can willingly leave like that is *not* a parent. Do you think she’d have come back if she was actually successful? She’s probably motivated by need. NTA and I’m glad that someone as young as you can’t be manipulated like that. 👍
NTA. That was exactly the appropriate response, and she should be embarrassed that her 14 year old child had to explain reality to her. You did a good job.
She is living right in the middle of Delulu Town. One conversation and it’s so clear that she only ever thinks about me, me, me. Protect yourself and do your dad a solid by keeping those boundaries high and strong.
NTA. She is. At least the grandparents were there to help out some but she left and was missing for all of the difficult and important parts. Hopefully your dad has gotten over her. You would both be better served by helping him find love in a partner that deserves you both.
NTA
"Hi child I haven't seen in 9 years, will you be my wingman? Oh, BTW, happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday. We cool now?"
Yup, the fact that she is more interested in trying to get back with the ex than getting to know her child and want to build a relationship tells you she's after something else other than the ex.
NTA my MIL abandoned my husband and his brother when his parents divorced. She wanted to open their marriage on her end he didn’t they split she left but didn’t want to take the kids with her. It was a nasty fight and his dad was awarded sole custody of both boys in the early 90s. They went so long without hearing from her that one time she did call and my husband didn’t know who she was. She’s attempted to come back into his life as an adult and play the mom card. Tried causing drama with our wedding because she didn’t get the mom privileges she didn’t earn. My husband basically told her at best they’d could be distant friends but she’d never be his mom because she never did anything to earn that title. We have a friendly relationship with her but it doesn’t reach much beyond Facebook friends and occasionally seeing her if she happens to come to town. Just like my MIL your mom didn’t earn the right to be mom or part of your life and you’re under no obligation to let her back into your life if you don’t want to.
NTA - She made her choice by leaving u two. Whatever issues she has is not on u. Don’t let her emotionally manipulate u into helping her. Ur dad clearly has a reason for rebuffing her.
NTA. Her dreams of Hollywood stardom fell through, so now she’s telling herself well at least I have a child who can lavish me with attention and adoration. Yeah no. Your response was perfect. She walked away from you because you were dead weight and an impediment to her “career”. She doesn’t get to waltz back in a be the adored mommy.
Your mother - me, me, me and me... it seems like she hasn't changed.
And on top of that, she wants to include you in her scheming. I'd warn your father too.
NTA. She failed at acting, probably failed at whatever else she tried, and is now crawling back. Stay strong, if she genuinely wants a relationship, she'll do the work to earn it.
NTA OP and don't let mum guilt or manipulate you to give her what she wants. Her problem is not your problem. If she tries again, tell a trusted adult to put a stop to her nonsense
She doesn't really want you or your father. She has no one and nothing else and so has reverted back to you two for a means if support. Disgusting really, especially since you, a minor are involved 😒 so sorry this is happening and your mother is a selfish jerk for using you. Yes.....she is simply using you to get what she wants (somewhere to stay and eat for free because she is broke af).
Why else is she back? You have mentioned no reason has been given by her for suddenly popping back up. Maybe she is: 1. Running from the law. 2. Running from a man. 3. Stony ass broke.
NTA- you’re right! She made her choice to leave you and your dad. Choices have consequences and her “guilt” is hers if she even has it (I don’t think she does). She is selfish and is not good for you or your dad
She wanted to be an actress huh. She was 100% blowing directors and big wigs for her shot. Since she couldn't suck and fuck her way to the top she's come crawling back. She's a loser and you are right to hate her
Nta
NTA. My mom left me when I was 5, but she put in the WORK to fully be a part of my life when I was 12. And she still works to make sure our relationship is strong. We don’t have a mother/daughter relationship because she lost that opportunity, but it’s more of a cool aunt or sisterly relationship.
NTA. She fed you a load of horseshit. In this day and age of internet and face time you could have had a great long distance relationship. She didn’t want that. She wanted to play around and pretend she didn’t have a son. Try not to take it personally. Many woman are born without the maternal instinct. She is broken. When you get older you will have the choice to cut her out of your life completely. Surround yourself with people you love and love you.
“She recently visited me and my dad. Told him she missed him. He rebuffed her, so she asked me if I could help her win him back.”🤨
I didn’t hear anything about her wanting him AND YOU back in her life. And as for salt being rubbed in a wound, she threw that rock salt on the wound she created by saying that you two were a liability to her. She burned a bridge between her, you and your father and it’ll take a miracle to build it back
NTA at all and very much in the right, but I have a hard time believing this isn’t a bot. I’ve never met a 14 year old who knew how to correctly place rebuffed in a sentence. So if this is real, the boundaries you set and your use of rebuffed is impressive for your age.
I am sorry she abandon you and your dad. Glad your grandparents helped.
She should feel the guilt for the consequences and pain of abandon she inflicted. At least she know what she did is wrong.
Our family know a lady who left her 2 kids in Florida when she first came to America and followed a guy and have kid with him across the country in Washington state. She was having dinner with her two oldest kids and the son was so angry he walked out and she didn't understand why he was so mad at her. This lady came to the US because she was prostitute and had two mixed kids and then came with them to Florida and left them so she can follow a man and have another kid who she raised like her golden child. It just didn't click why she doesn't have a good relationship with her two oldest kids. She left them in the foster system and for them to raise themselves and think she can come back into their lives. I don't feel bad for her. She now has a stroke and is in a wheelchair and her youngest son lives her.
She has a lot of time to think about all the other bad deeds she did on top of leaving her kids.
You can come to your own turn or not. She can't force it on you or your dad. That is just life.
Nta. Your feelings are valid. She is still being a selfish person. Asking you as a child to be responsible for repairing her relationship with your father. That’s not ok. Keep speaking your truth and your feelings.
NTA. Reap what she sowed. FAFO. All those things, that's what your mom is now discovering. No guilt my friend. This is on her and it's stupid of her to think you'll just let your abandonment go. Rub it in if it will make her realize what a colossal mistake she made.
NTA! You are 14. You’re a child, even if you don’t feel like one. It is NOT your responsibility to get involved. She shouldn’t even be putting you in a position where you have to tell her no. You have every right to set boundaries with her and stand your ground. Don’t let her bully you.
She obviously has some mental health issues if she believes she can walk back after 9 years and actual think she could pick up where she left off. I'd go low/no contact.
NTA!!
Wow your mum sounds like a piece of work and tbh you're so young it's not your responsibility to help your mum do ANYTHING. She should've been there to raise you, and tbh its great that you're seeing things very clearly and not letting her emotionally manipulate you. She can't burden you with her issues of how hard it's been without you or your dad when it was HER CHOICE.
NTA. Her plan A life didn't work out and she thought she could just go right back and pick up her plan B life where she left it. If she wants to win your father back, that's work. She'll have to do herself. Sounds like she didn't think at all about winning you back, either.
NTA. She can't seriously think everything will go back to normal overnight. She has to earn that relationship that she broke. That could take years. As for your dad, I hope he has moved on.
She left 9 years ago to pursue her dreams. That has a cost which is now coming do for her. NTA. It's not your responsibility to help her mend relationships that she damaged.
Nta, but why would you have any positive feelings towards her.
Does she realise how hard it was for you growing up without a mother? Prob a lot harder than being selfish and not contacting you.
Also it can’t have been that hard for her if she did it for 14 years.
Her guilt and her feelings are not your problem, you are blameless.
Good on you for sticking up for your dad!!
You’re a legend, keep that shit up!
NTA. Sounds like one of the first things she did was ask for your help. So now you will never know if she truly wants to repair or if she’s just using you.
NTA. She walked away from you and your dad to have a career without any 'baggage'. Is 18 young, especially when children are involved? Yes and it's entirely possible (and very likely) that she didn't realize how difficult it is to become a movie star. At the same time, that's no real excuse for leaving you and your dad behind.
Your Mum is looking to erase the time she was gone so she can pretend she didn’t aband her child.
But she did. She abandoned her child. So she has to deal with the big emotions that caused to all the people that it affected
Tell her that YOU don't understand how difficult it's been for her to stay away and that as a consequence you are 'dealing with a fair amount of trauma and resentment". And that she shouldn't rub salt in the wound.
WhatI am astonished at is thst she asked her son to help win his Dad back. Did she imagine this as a bonding project?! Why would. She expect any kind of welcome after is beyond me. And unless she was held at gunpoint to make her leave her family, I do not why does she feel entitled to understanding and forgiveness after 9 years and as dar as I understand no contact situation too. NTA
I bet her mom and dad are getting ready to cut her off for being a deadbeat mom. It seems very suspicious that she’s just trying to manipulate her way back in.
NTA. If she's from a wealthy family she could've made time to be present if she wanted to be. She probably wasn't getting auditions and booking work so consistently she couldn't take any sort of a break.
Mom, I’m glad you want to be part of my life. I don’t know you. But I’d like to get to know you. But I can’t just be your wingman for getting dad back when I don’t know you.
NTA She deserves to feel guilty because she did a crappy thing. I had my kid at 18, I never would have even thought about abandoning him because I would rather go off and do something else instead.
Good on your mom. She has quickly and clearly told you then demonstrated what she is as both mom and human.
You are much better off because she took her toxicity out of your life. As hard as it is to be rejected by a parent, I hope someday you can appreciate that she did you a favor in leaving. You don't need to like it or stop dreaming maybe one day she will be better, but hopefully you have a good life with dad and grands. It sucks but it can be much worse when a narcissist is in a situation they don't like and they WILL take it out on the person they can pick on easiest.
Keep her away, tell your dad good for him, you both deserve great things - a category in which she does not belong.
NTA. I can't believe the amount of audacity your mom has, trying to use you to get your dad back! She still isn't considering anyone's feelings but hers. Honestly, you could have said much worse than that and still been justified.
>She said I don't understand how difficult it's been for her to stay away and that she's been 'dealing with an enormous amount of guilt.' That I shouldn't rub salt in her wound.
Tell her she can go f**k herself with a stick, possibly with salt on it.
NTA
She disappears for 9 years and her concern is too get back her ex? I don't mean to be hurtful, but YOU should be her priority. I'll say this: your dad is probably more angry on your behalf than his. Decent adults hurt for their kids. Your dad stuck it out when times got tough, and that is love. Your grandparents all helped. Screw your mother. And good for you.
>He told her to leave but she didn’t. Not right away. She just grabbed and kissed him.
Ah, so she sexually assaulted your dad.
NTA of course. Your mom sounds like a narcissist.
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My(14) parents had me when they were 18. My mom was from a wealthy family, but not my dad. She also had aspirations to become a movie star, so when I was five she let my dad and paternal grandparents have me. She thought me and my dad would be a liability.
My maternal grandparents also sent some money to help over the years.
She recently visited me and my dad. Told him she missed him. He rebuffed her, so she asked me if I could help her win him back.
She thought that I could convince him to give her another chance.
I told her no. When she asked why, I said the thing in the title.
It clearly hurt her a lot. She said I don't understand how difficult it's been for her to stay away and that she's been 'dealing with an enormous amount of guilt.' That I shouldn't rub salt in her wound.
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One more powerful illustration that teen pregnancy can be disastrous.
It should not be normalized and carrying to term should be strongly discouraged. For the life of the child.
Well, *apparently the guilt she felt wasn’t* **that bad.** Had it been bad enough she would have returned sooner. She’s been gone since you were only a five year old baby? Now you are 14, so 9 years… I would have **DIED** if kept from my babies at that age, and through those years. You are only a few years from being grown up. All those years of memories that she *never made with you*… all that time just *gone.*
Actually it’s amazing she came back at all…how a person can just leave a 5 year old child is beyond me! I totally get what you said. But probably what happened was that she tried and failed over and over again, and finally realized she wasn’t going to be a star, so finally *saw the light* and came back to the ones she abandoned. I feel your pain.
NTA. She should feel an enormous amount of guilt, it's not the 1930s, 9 years ago there was plenty of technology to help keep in touch, that was her choice. Just because you share her DNA doesn't mean you have to let her in your life, I mean she proved that when she left. Furthermore, she should not be coming to her estranged kid for help to get a date, whether with your dad or some stranger.
NTA. She wants to have her little nuclear family, when she didn't help your dad raise you?
What, she didn't reach movie start status in the last 14 years, and now she wants her cookie cutter family? She's 32, she can still make that little family elsewhere, while doing all of the child rearing.
I'm also clocking how she voiced wanting to get back with your dad, not wanting to be your mom, and that alone is grounds to not let her back into your life. Not without extensive individual and family counseling, which she can foot the bill on.
NTA. Parents who move away so they can give their child a better life can say this and it would be true. But she had money and she left you and your dad...she couldn't have tried her dreams with you guys?
NTA Well said and she doesn't get a free pass to mess with your lives again. Sorry, she can take her guilt and move on. This is not fair to you or your amazing dad who stuck by you. (As a mom whose ex abandoned his kid I do understand what you're going through. My son would just walk the other way and not give him the time of day.). She needs counseling to remove her guilt. You are your dad are doing well without her.
NTA
Tell her she doesn't know how much it's fucked up your father and you. She doesn't get to feel guilty about choosing to abandon her family. If it was so hard on her she wouldn't have done it and she can go right back to the pit she crawled out from.
INFO: What is she talking about with "how difficult it's been for her to stay away"? Was she being forced to stay away or is this just a weird rule she made for herself that she says she found difficult?
You do what you want to do. It is not your responsibility to help your mom do anything unless you want it to happen.
People do change, and you will know if she has really changed because you will feel it in your heart if she has changed.
When you feel something in your heart or gut, that means how you feel when you are not around your mom..... is something kind of bugging you or nagging at you.
I wish you a great life.
NTA. I have adopted children who were abandoned so a parent could "live their best life." Nice of her to stroll back in after all the potty training, diaper changes, right of passage colds and viruses, middle of the night feedings, being up all night with a sick child praying it really is just a cold, nightmares, bed wetting, school plays, wiping tears, first crushes, watching other kids have 2 parents and explaining to them they are worthy and enough that the problem isn't them it's the adult who acted wrong. Now she wants an ego boost and approval? She abandoned the best thing that could have ever happened to her. She can't get it back. She can't erase 14 years of good and bad like it was nothing. You aren't nothing. You are EVERYTHING. Every part of you. Every experience she chose not to be there for good and bad. Children aren't a consolation prize. They are THE prize.
The first thing she did was ask you for a favor, and that favor was to quietly convince your dad to take her back. To side with her over the man who raised you.
Yeah, that guilt must have been eating her up. NTA
Feeling an enormous amount of guilt is the very least she should be feeling, but if she has the nerve to act like you should be happy to see and help her I tend to doubt she’s actually feeling any real guilt at all. Good for you for not letting her gaslight you. Tell her to go jump in a salt mine, with that sort of attitude you’re better off without her.
NTA
The mom is a big asshole.
She isn't asking to be a mom again. She is asking her estranged child to advocate for her so she can date their dad again.
Mom is 32 and act like a 16 years old asking a friend to hype her up to their brotjer....
NTA. My parents (who don't speak to each other) both did the same thing, and I told them I will not have a relationship with someone who treated me poorly my whole life.
NTA- as a mother of an almost 2 year old I cannot fathom being capable of even wanting to leave my baby boy or my husband for anything, let alone for such a stupid reason. Like wow. I want to slap this woman for her audacity.
That's her own fucking fault. She made her bed. She can fucking lay in it. She's not a mother. She's just a used up egg factory. She can fuck right off. Oh, NTA by the way.
NTA. She's poison. Stay away for now. If she keeps at it and keeps showing love, maybe with time let her back in her life and begin trusting again. It's rare but people do change sometimes. Ke3p an open heart but don't let yourself get victimized.
Nta
First of all the me me of her feelings makes me think she has some kind of mental illness. Narcissism maybe could be more. It's hard to say.
You don't owe her anything. Neither hate no love or even friendship. I hear no apology on her part. No regrets for hurting you or your father. No responsibility for the pain and trama she caused. Only the guilt and concern of her feelings.
You do however owe yourself compassion. And the truth that nothing she did or didn't do is your fault. You are not responsible for her feelings. You are not at fault or to blame in anyway shape or form.
Trust in your heart. By reaching out here you are asking for help. And that is a very good thing.
Don't isolate or hide your fears and questions as they will only fester and cause more pain. And nothing your feeling is wrong.
Reach out to your dad or grand parents, tell them what your feeling. Trust them with your fears and questions. I promise this will help.
And when you are ready ask your family to see a therapist. They understand and specialize in this type of thing. And will be able to help u unpack your feelings and recover from your trauma.
My daughter is going through a similar thing with her birth mother.
It's been hard but she is getting through it. She does share her feelings with us. And she is very proud of the trust we share.
Our therapist has been wonderful. And she has helped so much.
You deserve love and peace. Focus on your dreams and Never give up. You got this!
Hugs
NTA for your resentment. I don’t believe at 14 you’re ready for reconciliation. I would suggest therapy to deal with this. Your family dynamic will affect you throughout your life. Your perception may change in 10 or 20 years.
Also you may not know all the facts.
I do agree that you shouldn’t be involved in your parent’s relationship. I also don’t agree with her asking you to intervene on her behalf.
But I do urge you to talk to a therapist to get the tools you need to work through your resentment issues. Not for her, but for you.
NTA and congratulations for being clever and sane. In time You might want to forgive her for being an idiot when she was 18 / probably a good thing she left you with your Dad- but that timing is all up to you. Far more difficult to forgive her current selfishness though. It’s tough to carry such anger - but stick to your boundaries and don’t trust her motives.
Maybe she’s just another of life’s idiots indulged by not so good parents.
You’re not rubbing salt in the wound. You’ve barely expressed yourself and she’s a user and a loser. There’s a lot more she needs to hear and be accountable for in order for any reconciliation to happen. NTA. But your mom is. Protect yourself OP.
OP, watch Patrick Teahan YouTube videos on toxic family systems and read the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents when you are old enough to.
You didn't deserve teen parents. Teen parents aren't the best parents.
The best thing you can do is not become a teen parent and to do well in school so you can live your dreams. I'm rooting for you!
She abandoned you for 9 years. Then she shows up and tells you all about how hard this has been on HER. She's selfish. Spend your time with your father and grandparents, the people who have been there for you. Your mother is only there for herself.
NTA.
Turn that back on her. "You don't know how hard it was knowing my mother could just walk out of my life and stay away all those years. I dealt with an enormous amount of guilt believing I did something to make you leave. You making yourself the victim here is rubbing salt in my wound."
NTA. No apology or explanation? Just a guilt trip? “you don’t know what it’s been like!” no censor: fuck people like this to hell and back and to hell again.
**”you can try to be part of my life but you aren’t. you’re not my mom, you’re not my friend. i know your name but that’s it. i know you hurt my dad and that’s it. and honestly? i really don’t give a shit. do you know how hard it’s been growing up without a mother?”***
guilt trip that sorry, wasted, failed “actress” right back. if you *want* to rub salt on the wound?
***”so those 9 years you left us for… what movie can i see you in for this to make sense?”***
NTA. You, your Dad & your grandparents are your family. They have loved you & cared for you and gotten you to this point in life.
Just as you said, she can't just waltz in & expect your Dad to forget that she abandoned him & his baby. Then when he doesn't behave the way of her fantasy scenario, she expects you to help manipulate her into your lives.
You did perfectly fine without her after she waltzed out of your lives. Tell her to take up ball room dancing. Good luck to you & your dad.
“Hi incubator, despite your 3000 day abandonment I’d be happy to make representation to my only parent on your behalf. Could you give me a list of talking points outlining:
- Examples of you being a good person
- Specific reasons his life would be improved by you being in it
- Steps you have taken to make atonement and reparations for your past misconduct”
NTA
NTA
She just can’t walk back in thinking its all going to be sunshine’s and rainbows. She put you through trauma you didn’t need to have. She the ADULT making you deal with her guilt. What guilt? If she really felt guilty she would’ve showed up and been with you but no she never did. No Calls, texts, not even letters, not anything.
She lost the time that she can’t get back. I don’t see her putting in any effort to stay. She’ll leave again and come back again and do the same bs.
NTA. Not gunna lie, I'd straight up laugh in her face when she said that comment about guilt and rubbing salt in the wound. It wasn't hard for her to leave so she could try to chase her doomed dreams. Seems like she never tried at all to be in your life, and honestly I doubt she wants to be in your life now. I suspect that she can no longer find men to support her now that she's getting old, so she wants your father to take her back so she doesn't have to find a real job to support herself. She's in denial about how bad she's been, and she thinks a little manipulation and gaslighting will solve all her problems.
>She said I don't understand how difficult it's been for her to stay away and that she's been 'dealing with an enormous amount of guilt.' That I shouldn't rub salt in her wound.
She should feel guilty, for the rest of her life. Putting this on you only shows how egoistic she is.
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NTA. She’s looking for you to relieve her guilt for the time she has lost rather than looking to see what she can do to make your life better with the time she has left. This is NOT your fault and she, as an adult, should know better. While I generally say it is better to have a mom in your life than not, it doesn’t sound like she is making an effort so no sense in dwelling on her for too long.
Its like those saying, "Children deserve a good parents but bad parents dont deserve a child"?
The saying is "Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child"
[удалено]
>If she had been successful, do you think she would have returned? 100%. If she'd gotten a J Lo level of career she'd have PR people doing everything in their power to deny OP even exists.
>A parent is not someone who can voluntarily walk away like that. In this situation, for these reasons, agreed. But some people are better parents for recognizing that they have nothing to offer a child at the moment and offering it for adoption, and some would argue that that is voluntarily walking away as well.
Agreed but you walk away. That child did not come with a revolving door.
I was homeless when i gave birth to my daughter and i gave her to a family i trusted and knew without a shadow of a doubt that shed be taken care of. I see her once a month, it would be more often if i lived closer and/or had more money to make more trips. "Walking away" was the best thing i ever did as a mother to my daughter. OPs mother ABANDONED them to chase her dreams that obviously didnt become a reality and now shes wanting to play house as her backup plan.
>OPs mother ABANDONED them YES! This is the difference that I couldn't put words to. There is a huge difference between walking away for the sake of the child and abandoning them because you just wanted nothing to do with them and then trying to walk back in at a later date like nothing happened because NOW it is convenient for them.
Adoption or abortion.
True, but sadly, the US is rapidly taking away the ability for people to choose the latter option, even if they'd rather.
I know and it's absolute bullshit. I guarantee you that all these old white men passing these bans have their own private doctors specifically for this for the women in their lives. Hypocritical assholes. Abortion has no place in the government, states or courts! It's a very personal and agonizing choice which every woman should have the right to make.
100% agree with that
❤️❤️❤️❤️
The mother's lack of accountability is astounding. Not to mention making her child responsible for her feelings of guilt...it's not a child's job to regulate your emotions, she might have discovered that if she was an actual mother and stuck around. How do you come back into a child's life requesting help for winning the father back?! To call her a mother would be to insult actual mothers.
"I think I understand why you didn't make it in Hollywood, Mother...you can't even act like you actually care about me." Edited to add NTA and I'd be willing to bet a whole apple pie that her parents are unwilling to continue to finance her chasing of unfulfilled dreams in Hollywood. They're pushing her to grow up and be the parent and wife.
Also true, notice how she’s only talking to OP about getting their dad back as opposed to showing the slightest interest in them as an individual
Ohhh the burn... I like it. :D
Straight up narcissism there. If the whole leaving the "liabilities" behind to pursue acting wasn't the first clue. OP, whatever you feel is perfectly alright. If you want to try a relationship with her, involve a therapist because she will (and has already tried) guilt and manipulation to get her way. What you said was justified. The truth hurts. You are in no way the a. NTA
Absolutely. At the end I was thinking "yes, do just rub salt into the wound, she asked for it"
Some lemon juice too!
Maybe a lil battery acid
Some electrical contact cleaner. Nothing like a chemical burn.
Add some mercurochrome to that burn. You know, for healing...DEFINITELY not the fact that the shit feels like fire...
I've got some NaOH solution from work you could add, too. That shit BURNS!
Bingo!!!
Not to mention it seems she is more interested in getting the dad back than her son... I mean yeah it's limited information but just based on this that's how it feels. Why is winning dad back her first thought? And oh hey son help me manipulate your dad to get back together. Just a hunch but I wonder if the movie thing wasn't working out, and she is having a hard time with finding a relationship, parents maybe have said hey enoughs enough we aren't sending more money on your behalf so you need to step up and now she is thinking if they get back together she will at least be taken care of. It's hard to believe she feels guilty after 9 years. But that's just my assumption and opinion. Either way OP needs to know none of it is fault, it's HER job to fix the relationship if she chooses to have one, and that dad probably doesn't want her back and it's wrong for her to coerce their 14yo to try to guilt him back into it. It's all wrong. I think both parents being around is great unless one is harmful to the child. Even just emotionally. And she will possibly do more harm than good. :/
>Just a hunch but I wonder if the movie thing wasn't working out, and she is having a hard time with finding a relationship, parents maybe have said hey enoughs enough we aren't sending more money on your behalf so you need to step up and now she is thinking if they get back together she will at least be taken care of. Nailed it 🔨 Some guilt may be genuine. But I'd go with this being the main motivation.
I noticed this, too. She didn't ask kiddo to forgive her and accept her back. She asked for kiddo to help with dad. That seems very toxic.
Lol, gotta love people who think feeling guilty is punishment enough and not, you know, just the consequences of being a shitty person, almost as if feeling guilt at all absolves you, it's like... ***"I'm not a terrible parent because I regret the terrible things I did. Now forgive me please... what do you mean I need to earn your trust, way to hold a grudge, toxic much?"***
It's sounds more like she's wanting the dad more than the child.
or she was thinking op was already in her claws
A parent who doesn't commit any time is more damaging than a parent that just stays away. Seeing my lil sister wait for her parents to visit only for them to let her down time and time again broke my heart growing up. I just wished they would have stayed away, it would have been easier on her than her constantly getting her hopes up. Plus when they would show up they were toxic.
My dad bailed when I was three (3) and my younger brother was an infant—we haven’t seen him since. Before he was gone he had time sharing. I’d get dressed up and packed and wait by the window for him to show up. After a few no shows, my mom told him to not bother. The really messed up part is that his mother, my grandmother, never bothered to come into our life either. I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
I'm so sorry, that had to have been so hard. I swear if my kids dad's decided they wanted to be gone I would make sure they stay gone. To do that to your baby is just cruel. Grandma hopefully is put into the worse nursing home and her son follows quickly after.
> Seeing my lil sister wait for her parents to visit only for them to let her down time and time again broke my heart growing up I have a friend who is very involved with the local youth mentoring program. She had one kid in the program "Carl" who went through this. His absentee father would make all these promises and NEVER come through on them. EVER. It ripped Carl's heart out every single time because he was a kid and, every time, he thought "It'll be different this time" and it never was. I would have been far better for Carl's father not to have reached out to Carl at all. I hope there is a special place in hell for crappy parents who do that.
I wish I could say there was. My sisters bio mom got her head out of her @$$ but it took over 25 years. Her father just had another baby at his big age of 52 and it was recently taken by CPS. I'm sorry for your friend Carl, give him a hug for me because that had to have been so hard on him.
Tbh a person who leaves her toddler to become a movie star and than turn up again after 9 years and expect to be welcomed with open arms is far away from being an adult…
Good point.
The mom is still only thinking about herself. NTA
Yeah pretty much. It’s fine to ask for forgiveness (even good), but that’s not the right way to go about it. The prodigal son came back hoping to be a servant if he was lucky.
> NTA. She’s looking for you to relieve her guilt for the time she has lost You took the words out of my mouth
Also she only wants you to help her get your dad back? Does she have any empathy at all for leaving you? Sounds like a narcissist to me. Maybe look into narcissistic parents. It's not an easy thing to deal with.
I agree that this is not the daughter’s fault, and mom may be old enough, but she is no adult. The daughter sounds much more mature than the mother.
Sorry mom, life isn't actually a movie where the girl gets the guy and they live happily ever after in the end.
She'll only make an effort when it's convenient for her
Amen sister
She hasn't even said anything about him! It's all about the dad. Nothing about being his mom again. Maybe there's some missing info here, but it still seems she's not that interested in being a mom, just back together with her man.
So true.
NTA. The audacity of her to believe your dad would be willing to jump back into her arms after she ditched him and their child together. She should feel guilty.
The audacity to go to her child to help her win dad back instead of apologizong and trying to make up for abandoning OP.
That right there is the gut punch.
Exactly! She should be begging the dad to help her win back her kid, not the other way around. What is wrong with people?
Yup, this woman seems straight up delusional. Did she watch too many romcoms where the estranged parents get back together because of their meddling child? News flash: this is not how real life works, especially not after abandoning your own child. OP, you deserve much better than this, but if it’s any consolation, her blasting in and making it all about herself and getting back together with your dad instead of crawling back genuinely asking for forgiveness and making amends to YOU first and foremost just shows that she would’ve been a terrible mother if she wouldn’t have left too. Sometimes parents are so shitty that you’re better off without them and for her that may be the case.
Probably watched the romcoms as an extra. And when she never got an actual part, she ran back to her family. Gross woman.
Yes, it sounds as if she is just approaching her child to get dad back. How narcissistic. I suspect she is looking to have her own financial needs taken care of and expects OP to help "Because I'm your Mom!" I'd put that last word in bold italics if I knew how in reddit. There is an actor stereotype, the show-off narcissist who poses on stage saying "look at me, aren't I wonderful?" Obviously not all actors are like this, but this lady makes it all about her. OP is justified in staying away from her.
It sounds like she still doesn't care about OP at all. It's all about how to win her old boo back, nothing about winning OP or their love or affection.
A little salt, or a lot of salt is what she deserves.
And not the good kind of salt. The kind you spread on the sidewalk if it's icy and slippery.
She tried so hard to be a movie star, that she started to think that her life was a cheesy romcom
Like I read in another comment: can't even act like she cares about her own child. No wonder she didn't make a career.
NTA. It is incredible that you are able to set such healthy boundaries for yourself, at just 14! You do not own her guilt. Zero.
NTA she is the one who wronged you. Any type of reconciliation should be on your terms, you where the victim from her actions after all. You owe her nothing, it is she who owes you. Don’t let yourself be emotionally blackmailed or manipulated by her.
I agree. If OP is 14 now and she was born when the mom was 18, I have a spidey sense that now at 32 her dreams didn't work out the way she thought they would. She foolishly thinks she can come back after over a decade and have the family she left behind come back and play house now. No way. OP, your mom lost those rights to love and affection and forgiveness from your father and you when she never realized the huge mistake she was making and came back to be a part of your life. In 4 years you will be the age she was when you were born, and it seems like you have more maturity than your mom, if you can even call her that. And she shouldn't be saying that you aren't allowed to express your feelings because she's "guilty enough". No she's not. She wanted bigger and better than you and your dad who have raised you. You know that. She needs to know that you know that, and if she wants any kind of reconciliation or relationship then her parents can send some more money for family therapy for only the two of you to go to, because your dad will not take her back and hasn't even coparented with her this entire time. But that's only if you want to have a relationship; she may not be worth it and she sounds like she is still selfish.
Wonder whether mom is in financial difficulties...
I wondered the same thing, it would make some sense for her need to convince her ex to take her back out of the blue. There's a lot of reasons why she could've come back, but I doubt it's guilt. Maybe she feels like she can't have another baby at this age or physically can't, other relationships didn't work out, mom and dad cut her off, who knows. But her showing up like that is so selfish and terrible.
Yeah, even if her parents are rich, I can see them getting sick of funding her attempts to be a "movie star" as well as sending money to give some support to OP and their father. They probably demanded she step up and pay her fair share to her child and she's trying to avoid that by getting back together.
I'm also thinking that the grandparents were supporting their deadbeat daughter in addition to their grand daughter. That they got sick of their daughter's life going nowhere and cut her off. So she came crawling back to the family she abandoned in a vein attempt to have someone else to mooch off of.
Yup! It's disappointing, I'm a mom to a 3 year old daughter and I can't imagine leaving her and her dad. I miss them when they aren't around while I shower. I can't imagine not even checking in, visiting, calling, SOMETHING for most of her childhood. She truly did abandon OP and it's disgusting
I have a 6mo old and I get withdrawal being at work all day while he's at daycare. ;-; I can't even do 8 hrs without his pudgy little face, let alone 14 fucking years!
Aww momma I know how you feel! I sleep with my little girl and I love having her little self next to me. My poor husband sleeps in another room because his work hours are bonkers, and he snores so loud that it wakes me and her up. I go cuddle with him some nights for a bit, but I always keep an ear out for our daughter because if she wakes up immediately she goes "mommy! Where are you!" While climbing out of bed and looking in the bathroom and hallway for me. I just scoop her up and bring her back to bed and she falls asleep immediately as soon as I'm back. I hate having to drop her off for anything, but she's getting bigger and loves time with her grandparents. You're a strong mama! I know I'll be a mess when she starts school since I'm home with her the majority of the time. Cherish the moments when they're little, because at 3 she's as sweet as can be but she also got the sassiness and attitude 😂 I miss that first year when she was only 4lbs bringing her home and having her in my arms after leaving the hospital. OP deserves to have a good mom and it is a tragedy that her mom wasn't there for her at any point. But I'm glad she has her father and his parents, he has made OP an amazing girl who will be a million times better woman than her mom
I'm actually the dad, but I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless!
I'm sorry for assuming! 😭 but nonetheless I'm sure you're an amazing dad. My husband was gone for three days on a work trip and he cried when he got home the moment he saw our daughter because he didn't want to not see her those three days and said she had gotten bigger. But get those cuddles in regardless, sing the lullabies, do the funny faces. My husband always went on walks with her in a stroller every evening after work and she loved it!
He loves going in the front pack when we walk the dog. The other day I had him facing outward and he spent the whole walk alert and looking at the world. It was so fucking cute. He's started rolling and I looked at wife and was like, well fuck now we need to clear all the clothes off the crib and use it for its intended purpose. >. <
Oh yeah I remember when my daughter was about 1.5 and she would want to hold our dogs leash, so I would let her hold onto it during our walks while she was in the stroller! It's so sweet when they start talking too, pointing out different things and getting so excited! But yes definitely need something to put down in the grass for when they roll around so they don't get dirty 😂 I'm so glad that yall do that, I miss those family walks when our daughter was little, but I love the walks we have now where she's holding both of our hands and we can lift her up and she giggles with excitement. It truly gets better and better!
Nta. Salt the fuck out of that wound
With lemon juice
And make sure there are plenty of legos on the floor when she’s trying to get to the sink. Like dump ALL the legos in front of the sink.
And capsaicin extract!
And sandpaper!
It needs something to neutralize all the bull crap filling it up right now.
Salt Bae! We need you! 😂
Anybody who can willingly leave like that is *not* a parent. Do you think she’d have come back if she was actually successful? She’s probably motivated by need. NTA and I’m glad that someone as young as you can’t be manipulated like that. 👍
NTA. That was exactly the appropriate response, and she should be embarrassed that her 14 year old child had to explain reality to her. You did a good job.
She is living right in the middle of Delulu Town. One conversation and it’s so clear that she only ever thinks about me, me, me. Protect yourself and do your dad a solid by keeping those boundaries high and strong.
NTA. She is. At least the grandparents were there to help out some but she left and was missing for all of the difficult and important parts. Hopefully your dad has gotten over her. You would both be better served by helping him find love in a partner that deserves you both.
NTA "Hi child I haven't seen in 9 years, will you be my wingman? Oh, BTW, happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday. We cool now?"
Yup, the fact that she is more interested in trying to get back with the ex than getting to know her child and want to build a relationship tells you she's after something else other than the ex.
NTA my MIL abandoned my husband and his brother when his parents divorced. She wanted to open their marriage on her end he didn’t they split she left but didn’t want to take the kids with her. It was a nasty fight and his dad was awarded sole custody of both boys in the early 90s. They went so long without hearing from her that one time she did call and my husband didn’t know who she was. She’s attempted to come back into his life as an adult and play the mom card. Tried causing drama with our wedding because she didn’t get the mom privileges she didn’t earn. My husband basically told her at best they’d could be distant friends but she’d never be his mom because she never did anything to earn that title. We have a friendly relationship with her but it doesn’t reach much beyond Facebook friends and occasionally seeing her if she happens to come to town. Just like my MIL your mom didn’t earn the right to be mom or part of your life and you’re under no obligation to let her back into your life if you don’t want to.
NTA - She made her choice by leaving u two. Whatever issues she has is not on u. Don’t let her emotionally manipulate u into helping her. Ur dad clearly has a reason for rebuffing her.
If she felt so bad, why did it take 9 years to come back. Also are her parents part of your life?
Took her 9 years to realize she’ll never be a movie star apparently.
If she was truly feeling guilty she'd show it, not try and pretend she never left. NTA
She's not guilty at all, she wants her old bae back and I doubt she has much interest in her child at all. Asking OP to win over her ex is truly gross
NTA. Her dreams of Hollywood stardom fell through, so now she’s telling herself well at least I have a child who can lavish me with attention and adoration. Yeah no. Your response was perfect. She walked away from you because you were dead weight and an impediment to her “career”. She doesn’t get to waltz back in a be the adored mommy.
Your mother - me, me, me and me... it seems like she hasn't changed. And on top of that, she wants to include you in her scheming. I'd warn your father too.
NTA. She failed at acting, probably failed at whatever else she tried, and is now crawling back. Stay strong, if she genuinely wants a relationship, she'll do the work to earn it.
NTA OP and don't let mum guilt or manipulate you to give her what she wants. Her problem is not your problem. If she tries again, tell a trusted adult to put a stop to her nonsense
She doesn't really want you or your father. She has no one and nothing else and so has reverted back to you two for a means if support. Disgusting really, especially since you, a minor are involved 😒 so sorry this is happening and your mother is a selfish jerk for using you. Yes.....she is simply using you to get what she wants (somewhere to stay and eat for free because she is broke af). Why else is she back? You have mentioned no reason has been given by her for suddenly popping back up. Maybe she is: 1. Running from the law. 2. Running from a man. 3. Stony ass broke.
NTA- you’re right! She made her choice to leave you and your dad. Choices have consequences and her “guilt” is hers if she even has it (I don’t think she does). She is selfish and is not good for you or your dad
She wanted to be an actress huh. She was 100% blowing directors and big wigs for her shot. Since she couldn't suck and fuck her way to the top she's come crawling back. She's a loser and you are right to hate her Nta
I get your point but probably not the best way to answer a 14yo 😅
NTA. My mom left me when I was 5, but she put in the WORK to fully be a part of my life when I was 12. And she still works to make sure our relationship is strong. We don’t have a mother/daughter relationship because she lost that opportunity, but it’s more of a cool aunt or sisterly relationship.
NTA. She fed you a load of horseshit. In this day and age of internet and face time you could have had a great long distance relationship. She didn’t want that. She wanted to play around and pretend she didn’t have a son. Try not to take it personally. Many woman are born without the maternal instinct. She is broken. When you get older you will have the choice to cut her out of your life completely. Surround yourself with people you love and love you.
“She recently visited me and my dad. Told him she missed him. He rebuffed her, so she asked me if I could help her win him back.”🤨 I didn’t hear anything about her wanting him AND YOU back in her life. And as for salt being rubbed in a wound, she threw that rock salt on the wound she created by saying that you two were a liability to her. She burned a bridge between her, you and your father and it’ll take a miracle to build it back
NTA at all and very much in the right, but I have a hard time believing this isn’t a bot. I’ve never met a 14 year old who knew how to correctly place rebuffed in a sentence. So if this is real, the boundaries you set and your use of rebuffed is impressive for your age.
I am sorry she abandon you and your dad. Glad your grandparents helped. She should feel the guilt for the consequences and pain of abandon she inflicted. At least she know what she did is wrong. Our family know a lady who left her 2 kids in Florida when she first came to America and followed a guy and have kid with him across the country in Washington state. She was having dinner with her two oldest kids and the son was so angry he walked out and she didn't understand why he was so mad at her. This lady came to the US because she was prostitute and had two mixed kids and then came with them to Florida and left them so she can follow a man and have another kid who she raised like her golden child. It just didn't click why she doesn't have a good relationship with her two oldest kids. She left them in the foster system and for them to raise themselves and think she can come back into their lives. I don't feel bad for her. She now has a stroke and is in a wheelchair and her youngest son lives her. She has a lot of time to think about all the other bad deeds she did on top of leaving her kids. You can come to your own turn or not. She can't force it on you or your dad. That is just life.
Nta. Your feelings are valid. She is still being a selfish person. Asking you as a child to be responsible for repairing her relationship with your father. That’s not ok. Keep speaking your truth and your feelings.
NTA. Reap what she sowed. FAFO. All those things, that's what your mom is now discovering. No guilt my friend. This is on her and it's stupid of her to think you'll just let your abandonment go. Rub it in if it will make her realize what a colossal mistake she made.
Her guilt IS HERS. Not yours. & you are a literal child- she shouldn't have even thought to put you in that position. NTA
NTA! You are 14. You’re a child, even if you don’t feel like one. It is NOT your responsibility to get involved. She shouldn’t even be putting you in a position where you have to tell her no. You have every right to set boundaries with her and stand your ground. Don’t let her bully you.
My response would be "Sounds like an issue, not an ishme." NTA
She obviously has some mental health issues if she believes she can walk back after 9 years and actual think she could pick up where she left off. I'd go low/no contact.
NTA It’s not your responsibility to build a relationship or help her She made a choice she gets to Live the life she created by her actions
NTA. Your mum is. Your dad made the right decision.
NTA. She left, she made her choice.
NTA!! Wow your mum sounds like a piece of work and tbh you're so young it's not your responsibility to help your mum do ANYTHING. She should've been there to raise you, and tbh its great that you're seeing things very clearly and not letting her emotionally manipulate you. She can't burden you with her issues of how hard it's been without you or your dad when it was HER CHOICE.
NTA. Her plan A life didn't work out and she thought she could just go right back and pick up her plan B life where she left it. If she wants to win your father back, that's work. She'll have to do herself. Sounds like she didn't think at all about winning you back, either.
NTA Movie star, eh?? (Not so) wild guess: reason shes back is because shes found out the casting couch is kinda uncomfortable...
NTA, you pretty much nailed it. She left you. It's not your job to sooth her feelings.
Nta she does know what it was like to be there so she has no right to complain. Also she chose to be gone
NTA. Protect yourself. That kind of person is toxic.
NTA. She can't seriously think everything will go back to normal overnight. She has to earn that relationship that she broke. That could take years. As for your dad, I hope he has moved on.
She left 9 years ago to pursue her dreams. That has a cost which is now coming do for her. NTA. It's not your responsibility to help her mend relationships that she damaged.
Nta, but why would you have any positive feelings towards her. Does she realise how hard it was for you growing up without a mother? Prob a lot harder than being selfish and not contacting you. Also it can’t have been that hard for her if she did it for 14 years. Her guilt and her feelings are not your problem, you are blameless. Good on you for sticking up for your dad!! You’re a legend, keep that shit up!
NTA - her guilt is not the problem of her abandoned child. Period.
NTA. She doesn't want to deal with the consequences but your feelings are very valid.
NTA. Sounds like one of the first things she did was ask for your help. So now you will never know if she truly wants to repair or if she’s just using you.
You shouldn’t rub salt in the wound???! Tell her, it’s your wound, you and dad were the ones to get abandoned, not her. NTA
NTA. Proud of you.
NTA. She walked away from you and your dad to have a career without any 'baggage'. Is 18 young, especially when children are involved? Yes and it's entirely possible (and very likely) that she didn't realize how difficult it is to become a movie star. At the same time, that's no real excuse for leaving you and your dad behind.
Your Mum is looking to erase the time she was gone so she can pretend she didn’t aband her child. But she did. She abandoned her child. So she has to deal with the big emotions that caused to all the people that it affected
Tell her that YOU don't understand how difficult it's been for her to stay away and that as a consequence you are 'dealing with a fair amount of trauma and resentment". And that she shouldn't rub salt in the wound.
WhatI am astonished at is thst she asked her son to help win his Dad back. Did she imagine this as a bonding project?! Why would. She expect any kind of welcome after is beyond me. And unless she was held at gunpoint to make her leave her family, I do not why does she feel entitled to understanding and forgiveness after 9 years and as dar as I understand no contact situation too. NTA
NTA at all
I bet her mom and dad are getting ready to cut her off for being a deadbeat mom. It seems very suspicious that she’s just trying to manipulate her way back in.
NTA. If she's from a wealthy family she could've made time to be present if she wanted to be. She probably wasn't getting auditions and booking work so consistently she couldn't take any sort of a break.
Rub all the salt into her wounds.
Truth hurts, she needs to get over herself she’s not the main character here
NTA. Also note how the only reason she sought out OP was bc she wanted back with OP's dad, not with OP.
Mom, I’m glad you want to be part of my life. I don’t know you. But I’d like to get to know you. But I can’t just be your wingman for getting dad back when I don’t know you.
NTA She deserves to feel guilty because she did a crappy thing. I had my kid at 18, I never would have even thought about abandoning him because I would rather go off and do something else instead.
NTA. She feels guilt but didn't say she was sorry.
Good on your mom. She has quickly and clearly told you then demonstrated what she is as both mom and human. You are much better off because she took her toxicity out of your life. As hard as it is to be rejected by a parent, I hope someday you can appreciate that she did you a favor in leaving. You don't need to like it or stop dreaming maybe one day she will be better, but hopefully you have a good life with dad and grands. It sucks but it can be much worse when a narcissist is in a situation they don't like and they WILL take it out on the person they can pick on easiest. Keep her away, tell your dad good for him, you both deserve great things - a category in which she does not belong.
NTA. I can't believe the amount of audacity your mom has, trying to use you to get your dad back! She still isn't considering anyone's feelings but hers. Honestly, you could have said much worse than that and still been justified.
NTA Good for you
NTA. Hold her accountable for her actions. She's not your mother, but a birth-giver.
>She said I don't understand how difficult it's been for her to stay away and that she's been 'dealing with an enormous amount of guilt.' That I shouldn't rub salt in her wound. Tell her she can go f**k herself with a stick, possibly with salt on it. NTA
you were raised by the RIGHT parent. i don't think I would have been that nice about it. Good for you and Dad!
NTA, it’s not your responsibility to relieve her guilt.
She disappears for 9 years and her concern is too get back her ex? I don't mean to be hurtful, but YOU should be her priority. I'll say this: your dad is probably more angry on your behalf than his. Decent adults hurt for their kids. Your dad stuck it out when times got tough, and that is love. Your grandparents all helped. Screw your mother. And good for you.
>He told her to leave but she didn’t. Not right away. She just grabbed and kissed him. Ah, so she sexually assaulted your dad. NTA of course. Your mom sounds like a narcissist.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(14) parents had me when they were 18. My mom was from a wealthy family, but not my dad. She also had aspirations to become a movie star, so when I was five she let my dad and paternal grandparents have me. She thought me and my dad would be a liability. My maternal grandparents also sent some money to help over the years. She recently visited me and my dad. Told him she missed him. He rebuffed her, so she asked me if I could help her win him back. She thought that I could convince him to give her another chance. I told her no. When she asked why, I said the thing in the title. It clearly hurt her a lot. She said I don't understand how difficult it's been for her to stay away and that she's been 'dealing with an enormous amount of guilt.' That I shouldn't rub salt in her wound. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Would anything positive come from letting her back in your life?
One more powerful illustration that teen pregnancy can be disastrous. It should not be normalized and carrying to term should be strongly discouraged. For the life of the child.
Well, *apparently the guilt she felt wasn’t* **that bad.** Had it been bad enough she would have returned sooner. She’s been gone since you were only a five year old baby? Now you are 14, so 9 years… I would have **DIED** if kept from my babies at that age, and through those years. You are only a few years from being grown up. All those years of memories that she *never made with you*… all that time just *gone.* Actually it’s amazing she came back at all…how a person can just leave a 5 year old child is beyond me! I totally get what you said. But probably what happened was that she tried and failed over and over again, and finally realized she wasn’t going to be a star, so finally *saw the light* and came back to the ones she abandoned. I feel your pain.
NTA. She made her bed and she knew what she was doing when she abandoned her family to chase her dreams.
NTA. She should feel an enormous amount of guilt, it's not the 1930s, 9 years ago there was plenty of technology to help keep in touch, that was her choice. Just because you share her DNA doesn't mean you have to let her in your life, I mean she proved that when she left. Furthermore, she should not be coming to her estranged kid for help to get a date, whether with your dad or some stranger.
NTA. She wants to have her little nuclear family, when she didn't help your dad raise you? What, she didn't reach movie start status in the last 14 years, and now she wants her cookie cutter family? She's 32, she can still make that little family elsewhere, while doing all of the child rearing. I'm also clocking how she voiced wanting to get back with your dad, not wanting to be your mom, and that alone is grounds to not let her back into your life. Not without extensive individual and family counseling, which she can foot the bill on.
NTA. Parents who move away so they can give their child a better life can say this and it would be true. But she had money and she left you and your dad...she couldn't have tried her dreams with you guys?
She's trying to make you feel bad. Don't buy it.
NTA Well said and she doesn't get a free pass to mess with your lives again. Sorry, she can take her guilt and move on. This is not fair to you or your amazing dad who stuck by you. (As a mom whose ex abandoned his kid I do understand what you're going through. My son would just walk the other way and not give him the time of day.). She needs counseling to remove her guilt. You are your dad are doing well without her.
I never understand how someone would bring a life into this world because they felt guilty but then proceed to abandon the child after a few years.
NTA, shes trying to guilt you into it, get a whole salt container
NTA. Actions have consequences, these are hers.
NTA Tell her she doesn't know how much it's fucked up your father and you. She doesn't get to feel guilty about choosing to abandon her family. If it was so hard on her she wouldn't have done it and she can go right back to the pit she crawled out from.
INFO: What is she talking about with "how difficult it's been for her to stay away"? Was she being forced to stay away or is this just a weird rule she made for herself that she says she found difficult?
NTA.
NTA.
It’s not your responsibility to assuage her supposed guilt. If she’s been living with it for the last 14 yrs she should be a pro at dealing with it.
You do what you want to do. It is not your responsibility to help your mom do anything unless you want it to happen. People do change, and you will know if she has really changed because you will feel it in your heart if she has changed. When you feel something in your heart or gut, that means how you feel when you are not around your mom..... is something kind of bugging you or nagging at you. I wish you a great life.
NTA. I have adopted children who were abandoned so a parent could "live their best life." Nice of her to stroll back in after all the potty training, diaper changes, right of passage colds and viruses, middle of the night feedings, being up all night with a sick child praying it really is just a cold, nightmares, bed wetting, school plays, wiping tears, first crushes, watching other kids have 2 parents and explaining to them they are worthy and enough that the problem isn't them it's the adult who acted wrong. Now she wants an ego boost and approval? She abandoned the best thing that could have ever happened to her. She can't get it back. She can't erase 14 years of good and bad like it was nothing. You aren't nothing. You are EVERYTHING. Every part of you. Every experience she chose not to be there for good and bad. Children aren't a consolation prize. They are THE prize.
Jeez, she tried using you to manipulate him.
NTA. Get her so much salt she can have pretzels with her margarita.
The first thing she did was ask you for a favor, and that favor was to quietly convince your dad to take her back. To side with her over the man who raised you. Yeah, that guilt must have been eating her up. NTA
Feeling an enormous amount of guilt is the very least she should be feeling, but if she has the nerve to act like you should be happy to see and help her I tend to doubt she’s actually feeling any real guilt at all. Good for you for not letting her gaslight you. Tell her to go jump in a salt mine, with that sort of attitude you’re better off without her.
NTA She chose to have you. Then, she chose to walk away. It's time for her to live with her choices. You owe her nothing.
NTA The mom is a big asshole. She isn't asking to be a mom again. She is asking her estranged child to advocate for her so she can date their dad again. Mom is 32 and act like a 16 years old asking a friend to hype her up to their brotjer....
NTA. My parents (who don't speak to each other) both did the same thing, and I told them I will not have a relationship with someone who treated me poorly my whole life.
"You have no idea how hard the terrible thing I did to you and your father has been for me." Your Mother (probably) NTA
NTA- as a mother of an almost 2 year old I cannot fathom being capable of even wanting to leave my baby boy or my husband for anything, let alone for such a stupid reason. Like wow. I want to slap this woman for her audacity.
That's her own fucking fault. She made her bed. She can fucking lay in it. She's not a mother. She's just a used up egg factory. She can fuck right off. Oh, NTA by the way.
NTA She is living up in the air if she thinks she can swhoop everything under the table like that
NTA. She's poison. Stay away for now. If she keeps at it and keeps showing love, maybe with time let her back in her life and begin trusting again. It's rare but people do change sometimes. Ke3p an open heart but don't let yourself get victimized.
Nta First of all the me me of her feelings makes me think she has some kind of mental illness. Narcissism maybe could be more. It's hard to say. You don't owe her anything. Neither hate no love or even friendship. I hear no apology on her part. No regrets for hurting you or your father. No responsibility for the pain and trama she caused. Only the guilt and concern of her feelings. You do however owe yourself compassion. And the truth that nothing she did or didn't do is your fault. You are not responsible for her feelings. You are not at fault or to blame in anyway shape or form. Trust in your heart. By reaching out here you are asking for help. And that is a very good thing. Don't isolate or hide your fears and questions as they will only fester and cause more pain. And nothing your feeling is wrong. Reach out to your dad or grand parents, tell them what your feeling. Trust them with your fears and questions. I promise this will help. And when you are ready ask your family to see a therapist. They understand and specialize in this type of thing. And will be able to help u unpack your feelings and recover from your trauma. My daughter is going through a similar thing with her birth mother. It's been hard but she is getting through it. She does share her feelings with us. And she is very proud of the trust we share. Our therapist has been wonderful. And she has helped so much. You deserve love and peace. Focus on your dreams and Never give up. You got this! Hugs
NTA for your resentment. I don’t believe at 14 you’re ready for reconciliation. I would suggest therapy to deal with this. Your family dynamic will affect you throughout your life. Your perception may change in 10 or 20 years. Also you may not know all the facts. I do agree that you shouldn’t be involved in your parent’s relationship. I also don’t agree with her asking you to intervene on her behalf. But I do urge you to talk to a therapist to get the tools you need to work through your resentment issues. Not for her, but for you.
NTA and congratulations for being clever and sane. In time You might want to forgive her for being an idiot when she was 18 / probably a good thing she left you with your Dad- but that timing is all up to you. Far more difficult to forgive her current selfishness though. It’s tough to carry such anger - but stick to your boundaries and don’t trust her motives. Maybe she’s just another of life’s idiots indulged by not so good parents.
You’re not rubbing salt in the wound. You’ve barely expressed yourself and she’s a user and a loser. There’s a lot more she needs to hear and be accountable for in order for any reconciliation to happen. NTA. But your mom is. Protect yourself OP.
OP, watch Patrick Teahan YouTube videos on toxic family systems and read the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents when you are old enough to. You didn't deserve teen parents. Teen parents aren't the best parents. The best thing you can do is not become a teen parent and to do well in school so you can live your dreams. I'm rooting for you!
She abandoned you for 9 years. Then she shows up and tells you all about how hard this has been on HER. She's selfish. Spend your time with your father and grandparents, the people who have been there for you. Your mother is only there for herself.
NTA. Turn that back on her. "You don't know how hard it was knowing my mother could just walk out of my life and stay away all those years. I dealt with an enormous amount of guilt believing I did something to make you leave. You making yourself the victim here is rubbing salt in my wound."
NTA. No apology or explanation? Just a guilt trip? “you don’t know what it’s been like!” no censor: fuck people like this to hell and back and to hell again. **”you can try to be part of my life but you aren’t. you’re not my mom, you’re not my friend. i know your name but that’s it. i know you hurt my dad and that’s it. and honestly? i really don’t give a shit. do you know how hard it’s been growing up without a mother?”*** guilt trip that sorry, wasted, failed “actress” right back. if you *want* to rub salt on the wound? ***”so those 9 years you left us for… what movie can i see you in for this to make sense?”***
NTA. You, your Dad & your grandparents are your family. They have loved you & cared for you and gotten you to this point in life. Just as you said, she can't just waltz in & expect your Dad to forget that she abandoned him & his baby. Then when he doesn't behave the way of her fantasy scenario, she expects you to help manipulate her into your lives. You did perfectly fine without her after she waltzed out of your lives. Tell her to take up ball room dancing. Good luck to you & your dad.
“Hi incubator, despite your 3000 day abandonment I’d be happy to make representation to my only parent on your behalf. Could you give me a list of talking points outlining: - Examples of you being a good person - Specific reasons his life would be improved by you being in it - Steps you have taken to make atonement and reparations for your past misconduct” NTA
Lol fuck her, nta
What about your wounds?
NTA She just can’t walk back in thinking its all going to be sunshine’s and rainbows. She put you through trauma you didn’t need to have. She the ADULT making you deal with her guilt. What guilt? If she really felt guilty she would’ve showed up and been with you but no she never did. No Calls, texts, not even letters, not anything. She lost the time that she can’t get back. I don’t see her putting in any effort to stay. She’ll leave again and come back again and do the same bs.
NTA. Not gunna lie, I'd straight up laugh in her face when she said that comment about guilt and rubbing salt in the wound. It wasn't hard for her to leave so she could try to chase her doomed dreams. Seems like she never tried at all to be in your life, and honestly I doubt she wants to be in your life now. I suspect that she can no longer find men to support her now that she's getting old, so she wants your father to take her back so she doesn't have to find a real job to support herself. She's in denial about how bad she's been, and she thinks a little manipulation and gaslighting will solve all her problems.
>She said I don't understand how difficult it's been for her to stay away and that she's been 'dealing with an enormous amount of guilt.' That I shouldn't rub salt in her wound. She should feel guilty, for the rest of her life. Putting this on you only shows how egoistic she is.