Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to let my FIL stay with us for some of his hospital appointments to help him avoid the long drives (around 2-3 hours one way)
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
His argument is that his father has changed and is trying now and apologised to him for his childhood and etc. That man has never apologised to me and I even told my husband that. He wants me to let it go and move on because he “managed to do that and he’s the son so he’s had it worse”. I feel like it’s an excuse since he couldn’t even go visit his father after he got into an accident because he chickened out and didn’t want to deal with the anxiety of it all
I had a shitty childhood because my mom forced me to see my abusive grandparents. Please don’t do that to your daughter. I’m 40 and still have a lot of anger at my mother for it. Don’t be like my mom. Protect your kid.
This right here. I had a toddler level tantrum at 12 just to finally make my point because no one ever listened to me when I tried to speak up about how horrible my grandfather was to me. I felt like I had to completely explode. It’s done a lot of emotional damage too that I never felt protected.
My dad’s mom was abusive. We apparently met her as babies, but the only time I really remember talking to her was when I was 14. She died a few years after that because of Alzheimer’s, and the more I find out as an adult myself about what she did to my dad and his brother, the more thankful I am the only time I really had a conversation with her, she kept forgetting my name, my age, and who I was. OP, keep your kids away from these grandparents. It’s not worth it
>It doesn’t matter who had it worse. Suffering is not a competition. You don’t have to lower your standard of what is or is not acceptable behaviour around you and your child, just because he has.
**YES!** Time to stop letting people (often those who claim to love us) use guilt to manipulate us for having boundaries because they "had it worse."
I was having a conversation with my daughter about some family disfunction I went through as a kid. At some point I said something along the lines of "I shouldn't let it get to me, it was nothing compared to the things others endure." She said the experience others have is not an excuse to ignore mine & how it affected me. That we're allowed to feel without belittling ourselves & comparing our pain in an effort to diminish our right to feel it.
I was well into my 40s when she opened my eyes with that one.
>His father may have said some nice words, but they haven’t been backed up with action.
>It doesn’t matter who had it worse. Suffering is not a competition. You don’t have to lower your standard of what is or is not acceptable behaviour around you and your child, just because he has.
And use these exact words. Any one who told me to go to hell and shove it up my ass would never be allowed in my home. Protect yourself and your child from these people.
Isn't is funny that when he needed to use your home he was suddenly changed, was trying and apologized?
Gosh my mother allowed her drug addict brother into our lives he was wonderful but eventually fell out of our lives we as kids weren't given an explanation for why our favorite uncle wasn't coming around and then I essentially begged him for a relationship in which he could never remember my name but knew my siblings and would talk to me about us like he was talking to a friend or coworker about his nephew and nieces. My older brother verbally abused me practically since I was born my mom told me "he's your brother I allowed mine into y'alls lives" I dead ass looked at her and said "I wish you hadn't it did more harm then good."
Ummm leave. It’s one thing to disrespect me, but if you disrespect my partner I will burn the whole world to the ground. Your husband is a sorry excuse for a partner and father for whining to you about how he had it worse. The fact that he hasn’t demanded an apology for is disgusting. It is his job to protect you from his family.
Agreed. My in-laws pulled shenanigans with our wedding, and I was more upset about what they did to my fiance than how they treated me. My mother in-law apologized after about 26 years, and I'm the kind of person that will not let it go until the person apologizes. So, she and I are good now. My father in-law can eat my butt.
Ya. I am from as very passive aggressive family who avoid confronting anything. We get along until we dont but will avoid and freeze each other out over small issues instead of having a simple direct conversation
I make excuses to my husband all the time for some questionable treatment from them
To me BUT my mom recently called my husband a bad driver to another family member as an excuse to not attend two family functions because her car “wasn’t working “ and she didn’t feel safe getting a ride with us. I walked in on Conversations at both events where people talking about my husband being a bad driver explaining why my mom wasn’t there
My husband drives for a living, is not a bad driver and has a perfect record not to mention she’s never been in the car with him!!
It was total bs that she threw him under the bus instead of simply saying “sorry, I’m not feeling up to attending” . And in typical fashion when she repeats a story it grows and the second time she used this excuse she went so far it to have the other family member (who is very important ti me) to promise to never get in a car with him (us)
this insult is pretty mild compared to how OPs family has acted towards her but THIS driving lie is what caused me to have my first ever direct and confrontational (but constructive) conversation to resolve conflict with my family
Even though I grew up like this and can be blind to it for myself, when the behaviour was directed at my husband it was clear as day that was not ok
I also defended him at the events saying lightheartedly but loudly with the intention to be heard, “you know mom, she’s making up stories for an excuse” and this is something many of us see in her but it has NEVER been said outloud before. it’s what my husband deserved from me so I spoke up THRICE for love!
Your husband still has some very deep rooted issues he needs to continue working on.
If he wants to be around his father so much, he can rent a hotel for him and go visit, but you said no and for good reason. It's one thing to allow someone like that around you if you are an adult, but little kids are like sponges - and frankly, you don't need the stress.
Unfortunately, your husband might not be able to get past his resentment, and it's going to be his own fault when that comes back and bits him in the ass.
You are in the right, OP. This isn't about him staying over for a day. It's about your husband letting his abusive parents back into your lives after you agreed to cut them off. I'm seriously wondering how much communication he has been having with them since you 'cut them off'....
NTA. FIL has never apologized to you for the way he's treated you. Why would you want him in your house if he's going to treat you like crap, and disrespect you? He's an adult. He can figure it out.
Your husband can forgive him all he wants. But it doesn't mean YOU have to. They were awful to YOU. You don't have to have them back in your life because of the way the treated you. I would fight to have the kids stay with you when he visits them. You don't want them in an environment where they could be victimized the way he was. He's an adult now and can tell them when to knock their crap off, but your kids are not. I would not trust them around my children.
Let him go hang out with them alone.
_Husband can rent a hotel room for him and his dad for the appointment. Don't give up your house or safety._
And if he refuses to stay in a hotel then book a room for you and your daughter.
Do what another woman did. Don't tell them where you are staying. (Anyone else remember the woman who came home from a business trip to a filthy house? As I recall she just turned around with her bags and went to a hotel. Never told the family where she was staying, just that she wouldn't be back until the house was clean.)
he may have apologized to him, but he has never to you. so dear husband can accompany his dad while you go to a nice staycation or visit your own family.
Yeah, at the very least his Dad needs to apologize to you as in "I'm sorry I did X, Y and Z to you. I know that I'm not entitled to your forgiveness but I would like the opportunity to prove to you that I've changed."
If he can't do that, he hasn't changed one bit. If you husband insists on his Dad staying at your place, remove yourself and your daughter from your home for the duration. Go to your parent's place or visit a friend. It'll be interesting to see how your hubby feels about his Dad when you're not there to act like a lightning rod for the abuse.
If FIL hasn’t apologized to you then he hasn’t changed. Your husband may have had it worse as a child, but that doesn’t mean what you experienced wasn’t also bad.
Great so when he allows him to stay at your home you and your daughter go somewhere else for the duration of his stay. He is welcome to forgive but until you get an apology and forgive you don’t have to be around them and that means protecting your daughter too.
Suffering is not a competition.
Your home is your home. This is a decision that requires two yeses to happen or one no to stop it.
If he wants his dad safe, he can offer to pay for half the hotel room. Not the room service or amenities, but just half the room. Then he can go stay with his dad while you and your child and your pregnancy have a relaxing night without the nonsense.
Abusers tell their partners to get over it and let it go.
It sounds like your husband is just like his father and mother.
Stand your ground and say no. Don't let fil in the house.
If you let fil I'm the house, mil will show up too.
This might be the end of your relationship and that might be for the best if he can't respect you and protect you and your kids from abusers.
Where's your apology for all the "shove it up your ass" and the "go to hell" comments. The fact your husband allowed his parents to disrespect you like that is actually also pretty fucking gross and then asking why you can't be uncomfortable for one day for him? A good start would be for the 4 of you to have a conversation. Establish boundaries and move forward that way. I've recently had to do that with my MIL. last summer and then not so long ago we had another conversation. She's doing much better now and I'm hoping we can start a really building a relationship. Best of luck to all of you and congratulations on your babies
Wow.
Your husband is emotionally weak and it shows up as resentful, petty, and sulky. Insist he see a therapist for this.
He doesn’t get to insist you accept someone who has verbally abused you into your home. And if he changed all that much you’d have received a direct personal apology.
His father hasn't changed. His father WANTS something from you. Your husband can have his own feelings, but he cannot dictate yours.
I think both of you need to go to counseling.
Also, it won't be one day. If appointment is day X, he'll want to come day W and then he won't want to drive all the way home until day Y at the earliest. What if there are follow ups? What if he gets admitted? Are you expected to host your MIL too?
Get your spouse into counseling. And some couple counseling, it’s not going to get better unless he sees what the problem is. Unless he sees that his parents are the issue, he’s going to just continue to get more and more resentful of you and it will cause marriage issues. He needs to learn the habits set in his childhood are not good and he needs to break it for the next generation
Your husband has it backwards.
He's had it *longer*, not worse.
People who grow up with abuse are used to it to some degree, because that was their norm at a very early age.
People who experience it for the first time *might* have it worse because they have to process that someone would behave that way towards them.
But in *your* case, you **do** have it worse, because you were "bait and switched" by his entire family, **including him** in order to get you to the alter. Your husband *knew* they would abuse you and chose to withhold that information from you. He didn't have it worse, **he trapped you in a position where you would take his place as the sacrificial victim.** This is evil and worth divorcing over.
NTA, but be aware it's a matter of time before FIL abuses your child.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Don’t give in on this, and don’t subject your child to it. People like your FIL are rarely sorry and even more rarely do they change. Perhaps some therapy can help your husband understand your position - it worked for mine. My biggest regret is that I let my in-laws hurt my children and me. Don’t make my mistake - FIL is trying to get his foot back in the door so they can continue the abuse. Don’t fall for it.
Nope. Just nope. Someone who isn't willing or is unable to provide a genuine apology isn't taking responsibility for their own behavior. It's a sign that they haven't changed.
then why doesn’t he get a hotel with dead ol’ pop and help him that way. you have a right to be comfortable in your him and FIL hasn’t given YOU *any* inclination that he HAS changed. what happens if he yells at you while he is there? does DH have a plan for that or does he think his dad has really changed
Abusers don’t change. Tell him that if it’s so important to be with his dad, then they can share a hotel room. If he insists that his father stay at your house, then you take the baby and go away for the weekend. He can choose to welcome back his abuser, but your FIL was verbally and emotionally abusive to you too- and you’re not interested in renewing that relationship. You’re allowed to have your own boundaries. NtA
He hasn’t changed at all! If he had changed he never would’ve yelled at you the way he had. He’s NOT a safe person. And your children will learn that the people you allow them to be around are safe people. You are teaching your children that FIL is safe, when he isn’t!!
You need to protect yourself and your children and you need to demand therapy (individual for your husband or both of you and couples counseling) or start separating even more from your husband. Because your children should be both your and his first priority, but it’s clear that he’s putting his parents wants above your family’s needs.
I almost lost my relationship for failing to protect my partner from my parents. Your husband needs to wake up and realise he is making his life with you not them. He needs to seriously step up especially because you have children. I can understand the hold toxic parents can have on you so I empathise with him a lot but he should not disregard your feelings. therapy totally saved us and helped me realise what I was doing because my parents manipulated me. NTA
Tell hubby you have absolutely no problem with FIL staying in your home...and that you appreciate him volunteering to pay for your stay at a nice, comfortable hotel where you relax and rewind. He can visit with his daddy. They can catch up. Make sure he understands room service may be involved, though.
Put it in the budget. This isn't being passive aggressive. A little pampering can be therapeutic. I'd look forward to every visit. It's a win-win. FIL is comfortable. You are comfortable. Well...hubby actually probably isn't very comfortable. But it's his daddy. At least he doesn't have to worry about you being uncomfortable.
That's some manipulative behavior though.
"Unless you permit my father-in-law to abuse you, I'm going to resent you."
That’s actually a really good plan and compromise but he’s not going to do it (unless I pay for it myself I guess which I could even see him complaining about that since he would be missing out on it)
I also had the thought if if he's not staying in a hotel, you will. Tell your husband you're sure he's willing to spend the money for accommodation for you and your daughter that he would be willing to spend on his father. Or if he thinks you're less important? If he complains about the cost of your choice, say something like oh, I had expected you to want nothing but the best for your father in his fragile condition, I'm not asking for more than that. Denying you that request would just show he thinks you and your daughter are less important to him. Two can play that game. It's also uncomfortable truth time for him.
Okay, then HE is choosing not to have his dad stay at your house. He’s the one saying no.
Why can’t dad treat himself to a hotel room. Your husband could go and meet him for dinner.
You’re NTA here.
Perhaps you can minimize your exposure to him, then. I've known family members who almost couldn't share a space with you without having something nasty or cutting to say to you.
I honestly would find almost any way to avoid being in the same space for an extended period of time. I mean, just because your husband is **volunteering** to be held hostage, doesn't mean you have to be a hostage. Even if I had to turn my bedroom into a "staycation resort".
Don't Knock!
But if this old guy is like some folks I know...if they caught a glimpse of you walking by they would have to make a comment loud enough to annoy. Weirdest behavior ever.
What about going to your parents place. Would they appreciate a day or two to dote on the little one and serve you some of your favourite home cooked meals?
You can also check and see if one of your friends can put you up for the night.
But he doesn't have to do it. You can do it. So what if he complains. Can he really block you from doing it? Is there a sibling or parent you can visit? And old friend? It is the perfect solution, FIL can come but it is all on your husband. Honestly, this is the way to go. If he is so controlling about money that he doesn't "allow" you to spend it, there is a bigger problem. Plus, look in a 1-2 hour radius around you on one of those cheap hotel websites. This could cost under $100 depending on where you are. My kids have always loved a "hotel stay" - as long as there was a pool and waffles for breakfast - our "activities" when we were broke were the nicest playground around, a slice of pizza and the local library. Take yourself out of this equation! They are HIS family.
The other room service involved would be him waiting on his dad and I'd be willing to bet he's expecting her to do it...having to wait on his father himself would certainly be an object lesson but I don't see it really happening, he would never agree to her "abandoning him in his time of need" or some other guilt-trip bs...
NTA - Why oh why does your husband want to bring this toxic person into to home for 24-7 to berate on you? Wasn't it enough to have to endure them on the smaller scale before? Remind your husband of his promise to go NC after 1st daughter born? Hold him to that or it is divorce time. Time to grow a spine hubby and stand up for your wife here. He's building resentment towards you? He is the Typhoid Mary carrier of resentment himself.
I mean that’s probably where this is heading anyway.. we are supposed to move overseas after I’ve had this baby. He’s now saying that this is one of the reasons why he can’t leave (he’s apparently also scared of regrets if they pass away while he’s overseas). So he wants to stay behind while I move overseas with our 4yo and newborn
Custody will still be messy. She can move at anytime but if he gets the courts involved she would be forced to return the children regardless of their marital status.
People here don't think about long term effects of their decisions. If she gets a divorce the courts won't allow her to take the children overseas. She would have to give up custody and she would end up paying him child support (depending on which country she goes to).
Oh, dear. He wants his wife and two small children to move overseas *without him*, because he **may** have regrets if his abusive parents die? That is messed-up logic. What does he plan to do with them that would justify the stance that he is taking? Whether he is with you, *his family*, or near to his parents when they die isn't going to affect his level of regret. Does he really believe that if he stays behind that we won't still have regrets? Something that big can't be expunged with proximity.
It seems that he is caught in a classic case of being an adult, but still trying to earn the love that he wasn't shown by his parents when he was a child.
Not sure what he thinks is going to happen if he stays other than an express pass to divorce court. He really needs to think about what he's trying to accomplish, whether it's realistic, and what the impact will be on his family.
Yes, this guy is really co-dependent (trying to prove himself as the ‘good son’ who deserves love from his abusive parents). I’ve been there - it’s a complex situation.
He really needs a bucket load of good counselling. If he can’t afford it, the book ‘children of emotionally immature parents’ might help or the book ‘codependent no more’.
NTA. This is a hill worth dying on - your husband needs to admit he needs help and then go get it. I’m unsure whether he is there yet, judging from all the blame he is trying to push onto you.
He's concerned about regrets he *might* have if he doesn't live somewhat close to his abusive parents when they eventually die, but hasn't given a single thought to whether he might regret missing his children growing up.
He won't see them every day to say good morning and goodnight. He won't even see them every week or every month. He will miss his new baby rolling over, learning to crawl, their first steps, first words, first solid food. He will miss his older kid's first day of school, sports games, school plays. He won't be there to kiss their boo boos or high five their successes. Is he even going to be able to fly over for birthdays and holidays? Would the kids even care if someone they barely knew was there to watch them open presents?
And what if his parents live another 10, 15, 20 years? Is he going to miss his children's entire lives because he feels he should be nearby when his folks kick it? He felt hurt by their neglect, but he plans on doing the same or worse to his kids. His unborn child could be out of the house and off to college before he finally moves back in with his wife. And she is just supposed to raise then as a single parent with no help or companionship that whole time? That would be a hard no or a definite divorce.
So he's choosing to prioritize his toxic parents over you and your children. I think he's already shown you who he is, and it's time for you to believe him.
What, he wants to leave you to struggle on your own with two children? Whilst he does what? Bruh sounds like an excuse to do something dodgy behind your back not saying that he's definitely a cheater but who would send their wife and two children alone somewhere new???
Yup and Mr. Jellyfish will see he threw away a family who actually loved him to appease a toxic one who probably wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire/care for him in the least bit. NTA OP.
He didn't heal and you can't help him. He needs to man up and take responsibility and care for the family he created. Make the move and establish yourself and then send the papers.
Personally, any in-law who told me to “shove it up my ass”, wouldn’t step one pinky TOE in my home nor have any access to my children. (If you don’t respect me, how can I trust you with my child). Your husband‘s a dick. Tell him and your FIL to get a motel room for the night. NTA
NTA, this person is abusive to you and honestly, your home is your safe space. Dealing with family members like this is really tough and they tend to get worse when they aren't feeling well.
NTA
Going to visit them is a huge compromise on your part. I would never be in the same room with these horrible people. I would definitely not let my child around them.
Let your FIL stay in a hotel for the night. If he won't do that or your husband balks, you take your daughter, go to a hotel and treat yourself to room service!!
NTA. Hubby needs to pick a side. You and the kids or the parents. If he hesitates kick him out and show proof of the abuse the inlaws have inflicted to make sure you get full custody
You've been willing to be more than uncomfortable for him for 18 months by having his kids. They need to accommodate you in your own home WHILE you are already uncomfortable.
FIL could get a hotel. Then there would be No one uncomfortable with the situation.
NTA
NTA - fil needs to sincerely apologize to you before you allow him in your home and one mean word from fil to you, fil is out the door and stays in a hotel. you have a husband problem. can you two get marriage counseling? compromise does not mean your spouse gets to be verbally abused by in-laws. no one deserves that.
NTA but you made a huge mistake in staying married to this man. He allowed his family to disrespect you and he only allowed you to distance yourself after your second child? You should have been out the door the first day that he let disrespect slide. Please leave him now.
NTA. Many times, there is a lodge near the hospital where patients can stay at a reasonable rate and get to the hospital easily the next day. My husband and I did that before a procedure in another city since my check-in at the hospital was 5:30 a.m. local time.
Nta. Unfortunately, given how your husband has chosen to process the whole situation, I would seriously reevaluat the whole ass relationship. Now, unfortunately, I think you know he's not going accept the result, and blame you entirely. He'll fight tooth and nail for 50/50, if not full custody, and during his part of the custody, the in laws will absolutely get visitation, regardless if they were banned as a part of the custody agreement. The entire family will go out of their way to attempt to poison your children against you. That's just how these toxic ah families work. Your only option will be to fight back when harder. Go for full custody and block all of them from your life. When anyone gets mad at you for depriving your children of their father, they get a block, too. Fight for your kids, op.
Your poor husband is weak when it comes to his parents. You have to continue to be strong for both of you. No way would I put up with someone who told me to 'shove it up my ass'.
NTA Why don't you go away with your child for the day FIL needs to be at your place?
Go to family or book a hotel, just be absent. That way, you can relax
and your husband can host his father.
NTA, the change of a person is demonstrated with actions not with words, I can slightly understand that your husband does not want to give up on his parents, but sometimes the goodness that we think we see in other people is a reflection of our own goodness, that does not concern him. It gives your husband the right to expose you and your daughter to a toxic person who didn't even have the courtesy to ask for your forgiveness. Please ask yourself if it is really worth staying with a person who is prioritizing his negligent parents over his new family.
NTA
Your husband has been groomed to feel like he is. Also remember that the longer the distance apart, the less bad the things that were done seem to feel (until you experience them again).
Perhaps your husband needs some therapy to unpack his childhood... if he hasn't had it before.
Your FIL is either a narcissist too or he's an enabler. It's easier for him to do his wife's bidding and get angry at the person that stands up to her in whatever form that is. Unfortunately this is the family that you have married into.
There's no winners here.... however I would not be making the FIL's stay easy. Your husband can time time off to be with him. Does your husband expect you to take him to his appointment? If so, then it will be a no and he can do it. Your concession is the ability for him to stay... I hope that invitation doesn't extend to your MIL though. If that's the case, I would be finding somewhere else to stay for the night with your daughter... maybe your parents. You can say that your husband can entertain his parents and yours will entertain you!
NTA. Tell your husband he has to take your side. It’s his job. His father can easily stay in a hotel for his medical visits. Also tell him to lose the resentful attitude to you because you have done your best to let your child know her grandparents. This, despite them never apologising for their appalling behaviour to you.
You want these abusive people around your children? Honestly, your husband's apathy and contentment with his parents abuse should be a massive wake up call to you that your marriage has serious communication issues and you two aren't on the same page. ESH
How about your anxiety while being pregnant? Stress isn’t good for you or your child. You daughter is going to pick up on the vibes in the house. Does your husband expect her to watch if his father has one of his moments where he yells? I can see it being written off as part of his health issues- he is worried, in pain, stressed, away from home, blah blah blah, still excuses that are all bullshit.
I hate it when being a woman is the reason for behaviors but I would totally think about crying & saying how much it is stressing you and the baby. Look up what stress does to a baby. Hell, I had weeks of 3x/week of non-stress tests with my last pregnancy. The Dr was concerned that some of my health issues might cause problems. This included my husband’s absurd work schedule and me not having much of a break from my two boys.
I wish I could fix this for you. Call them all out on bullying you, because 100% they are. Would your husband allow the same behavior if it was happening to your daughter?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (28F) have been with my partner (28M) for 8 years and for the first two years of our relationship, I had a really decent relationship with my in-laws. At that time, my partner never made me aware of his childhood trauma and neglect by his parents and family and they never mentioned it and pretended like they were just one big happy family.
Fast forward to us getting married and my in laws have really showed their true colours, literally on the day off. They were extremely demanding and entitled to the extent that my mil tried to force me to leave one of my wedding events right before it was meant to start to pick her up, with absolutely no warning (I could have organised a driver for her if she let me know beforehand). When I refused, she got really mad and all things went down after that. They consistently got mad at me and my partner over the dumbest things (like wanting to spend our first day as a married couple at home, in bed, relaxing, after a week of chaos and wedding events instead of hanging out with them) they took to Facebook about how ungrateful and horrible we were which only distanced my partners entire family from him even more and they even went as far as to move hotels without letting us know where so that we wouldnt find or reach them. This is all just a small snippet of things I’ve had to endure from my in laws.
Now to my fil, I truly feel for him and his own upbringing and toxic marriage however this man would consistently yell and berate me every time his wife was upset with me. I was told to “go to hell”, to “shove it up my ass” I was called horrible things and was constantly fuelled with anxiety because of the way he would attack me. He doesn’t even attack his own children like this
Luckily, my husband decided that we can finally distance ourselves and cut them off after our first daughter was born. Now they are both having some health issues and my fil has been needing specialists for a damaged nerve problem or something. They live up in the country and we live around the city, so he has approached my husband a few times about staying at our place because of a hospital appointment he had, to avoid the long drive, and I refused as I didn’t feel comfortable and I’m already struggling so much with this second pregnancy.
My husband is upset with me, he says that he’s been building up resentment towards me since I said no because I couldn’t “compromise” and “be uncomfortable” for him for just one day so that his dad could stay with us and go to the hospital and I’m so hurt and confused. Despite us “cutting them off”, since I found out about their health issues, I’ve had no problem going up for visits with our daughter so they could meet their granddaughter for the first time but somehow he says that wasn’t a compromise and wasn’t enough.
Im really confused and I’m actually starting to feel like a bad person right now for saying no. So please, AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sure husband, I’ll “compromise” your father can come and stay here but me and our daughter will be going to a nice hotel until he leaves. And when I get back I’m telling you now, I will be questioning our marriage and your inability to protect our children.
NTA OP, I know it’s hard to break the cycle of abuse in the sense that it’s hard for the victims to see the manipulation and other abuse the abusers put them through. I have absolutely been there before. I absolutely understand how anxiety inducing it can be. I can absolutely empathize with your husband. HOWEVER that being said despite that, your husband is also kind of being an AH. Because he has a wife (you OP), a daughter and an unborn child he has to think about and PROTECT. And inviting one of the people that is constantly verbally harassing and abusing both of you is NOT how you go about that. He needs to grow a back bone and defend you as his wife and partner. But not only that YOUR PREGNANT and somehow YOU need to COMPROMISE??? What?? Even not pregnant, nobody EVER has the right to go into YOUR home and disrespect YOU. And the fact that your pregnant and your husband wants to subjugate you HIS PREGNANT WIFE to his FATHER’S VERBAL ABUSE IN HER OWN HOME?? Uh no, it sounds like you’ve got not only an in law problem, but a husband problem too.
NTA. If anyone ever seriously told me to "Shove it up my ass" they would never enter my home again let alone sleep there. If my spouse insisted I'd be questioning my marriage pretty seriously. You do not have to have someone abusive stay in your home family or not. Especially being pregnant your husband should be protecting you.
So, the FIL has treated you like the dirt beneath his shoe and you're just supposed to "let it go" because he's sick? No way. Just no way. What's to keep this man from continuing his treatment of you? Your husband doesn't seem to care and I doubt very much that the presence of your older child will stop him. You're pregnant, OP. Too much stress could hurt or kill you or hurt or kill your baby. Or could hurt it kill you both. Is your husband really willing to put your health as well as the health of your baby and daughter at risk? Cause that's what he's going to do. There's no way your FIL has changed. He's going to continue abusing you and it'll be even easier with him in your house because he'll have access to you 24/7. You need to draw a line here, OP. Either your husband supports your decision not to let the FIL in your house or you need to go somewhere else because that's not healthy for you or your children. They need to come first, as do you. And will your husband do that? Will he put you first or will he continue to roll over and show his belly anytime his parents say something to him?
NTA! Your lovely FIL can stay with you, only if he apologizes for all the nasty things he's said. You offered up visits but it's not enough for them. Your husband isn't defending you any longer nor backing you up. That's a red flag and something is up. Every hospital I have ever seen has hotels near it, for that very same purpose...people coming up to visit or have appts. He's using his health issues to not only guilt his son, but to establish some kind of dominance over you as his son's wife. You don't want him there, stick to your guns. You are pregnant, struggling with feeling well and that's what matters. His health issues and inability to pay for a hotel room is not your problem.
Tell your hubby that you'll consider it IF your FIL offers you a sincere apology backed up by action. FiL will of course say no, so you can turn it around on him.
NTA and he has ent changed he he’s putting on an act to get what he wants. If he shows up leave go to a friends house or a relative even a hotel if necessary with your daughter. There is no reason you or her should have to deal with that. Husband can kiss ass if he wants but you don’t have to. Let him know this in advance. He can grow a freaking spine or your out till the demon from hell goes back to his satan of a wife
Honestly, your husband was TA from the start, by withholding important information/going along with the charade of “happy family” for two years. You signed up for this marriage/family without informed consent at no fault of your own. And yeah his parents sound truly horrible but it was his responsibility to protect you from them or at least clue you in to the facts of the situation. But he didn’t, so you’ve been dealing with this for years now, and he still isn’t prioritizing you or his children. And now HE’S the one building up resentment??
NTA, OP. But I don’t know if I could stay with this guy unless things changed dramatically. Is he currently/has he ever been in therapy? Do you have other supports (locally or overseas)?
NTA. He promised to cut them off but clearly won’t. Abusers never really change, they just get better at hiding it, which my husband had to learn the hard way. My MIL is abusive and my FIL is an enabler, but my husband still believed they had changed because his parents could behave for a few days. Four months later and it was back to how it had always been. Your husband is naive to think this will end any other way than in tears. A partner should always be in your corner and especially now that you’re pregnant.
NTA. The FIL is a piece of poo. You're literally pregnant and need a very stress free environment. It's clear that even considering letting him stay over is creating a massive spike in your anxiety. It's not only up to your husband to forgive him, it's up to you, too. Your husband needs to take a step back and care about his pregnant wife over his awful dad. If FIL is actually worried about the long drive he should book a hotel or just bugger off.
He treated YOU badly too. You and your husband should be a united front, a singular unit. He should be more understanding that hey maybe its not the right time to unpack all of this sh** and give you a break.
OP- NTA. Perhaps You "Husband" should move out and get an Apartment where he can host his abusive Parents whenever he wants. You stay where you are, and File for Full Custody of your children using the Abusive Family Tendencies as a reason. You don't feel safe around FIL or MIL, Your Husband hid the level of Toxic his Family was until your Wedding- They feel entitled to SCREAM at YOU. Just No. I would NEVER let my child anywhere near these people. If he is growing Resentful that YOU do not Wish to be treated Abusively, then It's time to reevaluate your relationship. He doesn't Protect YOU, he won't Protect YOUR CHILDREN.
Nta, I have a similar in law sitting (although not husband situation). I would say it’s not a straight path to “distance” for many, We did get back in contact without an apology, But had very firm boundaries, and if the trended near them my husband “ reminds “ I would say it’s not perfect, but civil, but they stay in a hotel if they come
Nta. Are you two together in counseling or perhaps just your husband? Because the first red flag I saw was him not telling you what his family was like/being the main arbiter of whether you and your fledgling family would be safe from what he already knew was a threat. That he now feels someone has made one overture of better behavior (toward him and him alone) so that should open the literal door to your home as well as figuratively to your family speaks to a lot of healing he needs and also inconsiderate feelings to unpack.
I think you've made solid compromises but please don't make them at the expense of you and your daughter if your husband wants to throw himself on the pyre. Estrangement and having abusive or painful relationships is very difficult, and many experience guilt and softening (whether warranted or not) when the offending party gets older or sick or vulnerable because there's the argument of family, but that doesn't and shouldn't necessarily absolve them of their previous or potential harm. Good luck, OP.
NTA. People that have traumatized you and been horrible, without apologizing or bettering themselves, don't get a free pass to your life or your kids just because they're sick.
You've already compromised by taking your kid(s) to see them. Your home is your safe haven. They're not allowed to breach that.
NTA.
The ILs abused you with terrible verbal abuse. Your husband wants you to tolerate more abuse because it’ll be easier on his dad. He is being quite a cruel husband.
Frankly, be on the lookout for warning / early signs that he will start doing the same verbal abuse to you down the road.
If it's only for one day, insist your husband is there at all times and looks after his father, and spend as much time as possible away from them both. Go out for the day, shut yourself in your bedroom whatever. This is a tipping point in your marriage. He should be backing you up.
>I was told to “go to hell”, to “shove it up my ass”
NTA Tell your spineless husband that he can do as his father recommends. You shouldn't have to take being spoken to like that and if your husband thinks it can be swept under the rug, he needs a reality check. He thinks he has resentment? Just watch what you can bring to the table if you are forced to associate with things like that.
NTA.
Being uncomfortable for “just one day” isn’t a compromise; it’s giving in. Tell your husband his dad can stay if he (husband) agrees with you spending the night with a friend or even at a hotel; *that’s* a compromise.
NTA are you sure your husband went no contact with his parents? How can your husband let anyone, who tells you 'to shove it up your ass', around you, especially pregnant? Your father-in-law may have had a bad childhood and a horrible marriage, but it doesn't give him the right to take it out on you. Your husband no longer has your back. I would take some time and figure out an exit plan after you get birth. Don't let your father-in-law stay with you.
No, NTA .But look into marital counseling if you can afford it.Your husband still deeply wants and needs that parental approval.YOU OP have the right to avoid people who treat you so viciously
NTA. Your fil has treated you like dirt. People who are disrespectful to you don’t get to stay at your house, let alone visit there for 5 mins.
Your husband needs to have your back. Right now he doesn’t.
NTA... I've never invited someone that was verbally abusive to me, into my home. I think I would draw a line there.
If you want to compromise, could you arrange to be out with a friend that day. Do you trust him around your children? Could you tell them that you expect them to be civil in your home, or they will need to leave.
NTA. Remind him how you were treated, never got an apology, old man hasn't changed as far as you are concerned. If hubby wants to support his dad, they can get a hotel together. Don't budge on YOUR boundary, you've cut them off.
If he’s ok with you going overseas with his children alone so he doesn’t have regrets about his shitty parents then he’s probably already checked out of the marriage.
>My husband is upset with me, he says that he’s been building up resentment towards me since I said no because I couldn’t “compromise” and “be uncomfortable” for him for just one day so that his dad could stay with us and go to the hospital and I’m so hurt and confused. Despite us “cutting them off”, since I found out about their health issues, I’ve had no problem going up for visits with our daughter so they could meet their granddaughter for the first time but somehow he says that wasn’t a compromise and wasn’t enough.
Get angry. Your husband wants you to expose yourself to a verbal abuser while you’re pregnant and around your kid. He can accept whatever behavior he likes from them, he does not get to insist you do the same. At all.
NTA. You have compromised immensely.
NTA
Ask your husband why it's ok for him to demand YOU be uncomfortable rather than demand his father feel discomfort and treat you with minimal respect? (and sit quietly waiting for his answer)
Why exactly should YOU be uncomfortable in your own home? Does he understand that his father is your abuser. So why does he want to open your door to an abusive, abrasive person? Why should his father be protected from his own actions?
If husband was verbally abusive to his boss, would he be surprised when he got fired? Nope - why not ? Logical consequences. So what happens when people are jerks? Their invitations dry up. Logical consequences. If FIL wanted a different outcome he should have chosen different actions. And there is no way YOU are going to invite an abusive jerk into your home to continue their abusive behavior.
You're not telling husband he can't see his father. You're not saying FIL can't stay in your town. He can get a hotel. Husband can stay with his dad. But FIL is not coming into your home and provided an opportunity to abuse you more.
You are absolutely NTA for protecting yourself and your daughter from abusive relatives. Your husband needs to see that, too. I hope he doesn't continue to expect you to be accomodating and kind to his father who has yelled at you and called you names.
NTA - Why can't he stay at a hotel? Or, if he's going to stay at the house, maybe you should go for a nice spa hotel and go relax for the night. Husband can choose his wife and kids or his abusive father.
NTA. Your husband is pushing his abusive parents onto you in spite of the fact that you have agreed to have little contact with them. They can get a hotel if they need to stay in town.
NTA. You have a husband problem. You aren't a bad person. Tell him he and dad can "go to hell" and "shove it up their asses" because that kind of verbal abuse is uncalled for. You certainly don't need to experience that again - and in your own home.
NTA. Tell him his father can come to stay with him, but you and your daughter will not be there. Then get yourself a hotel room, or go visit your family for the duration of FILs stay. Then, get marriage counseling for the two of you.
**Your husband bait-and-switched you to be the new abuse target in his family.**
Abusive people don't hide that long without a purpose. Your husband intentionally chose not to tell you. Your husband has a better relationship because he made you the sacrifice.
NTA, but I question your judgment anyway when you allow a family entirely made up of abusers and decievers have access to your child.
NTA. When you are repeatedly an asshole to someone, you don't get to stay in their house. Tell your husband to take his idea of compromise and shove it up his ass, and that, if he's going to support the abusive asshole over his wife, they can both go to hell.
OP has a husband problem. No way in HELL would my husband let his dad tell me to shove it up my ass. He can book a hotel for his shitty dad and go stay with him. Protect your peace ma’am. NTA
She’s not trying to control her spouses relationship. She’s setting a boundary that people who tell her to “shove it up her ass” don’t get to stay in her house.
YTA Your husband is trying to reconcile with his parents and you are hindering that. Give them the rope and see if they hang themselves on it ie talk to your husband and say you will give them another chance since he wants this but you expect him to support you in going LC again or only meeting them outside your home if they act inappropriately in your home.
Reconciling with his parents should not hinge on FIL staying at their house. If it does, then clearly it’s not the relationship they are interested in reconsiling.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refused to let my FIL stay with us for some of his hospital appointments to help him avoid the long drives (around 2-3 hours one way) Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
His argument is that his father has changed and is trying now and apologised to him for his childhood and etc. That man has never apologised to me and I even told my husband that. He wants me to let it go and move on because he “managed to do that and he’s the son so he’s had it worse”. I feel like it’s an excuse since he couldn’t even go visit his father after he got into an accident because he chickened out and didn’t want to deal with the anxiety of it all
I had a shitty childhood because my mom forced me to see my abusive grandparents. Please don’t do that to your daughter. I’m 40 and still have a lot of anger at my mother for it. Don’t be like my mom. Protect your kid.
This right here. I had a toddler level tantrum at 12 just to finally make my point because no one ever listened to me when I tried to speak up about how horrible my grandfather was to me. I felt like I had to completely explode. It’s done a lot of emotional damage too that I never felt protected.
My dad’s mom was abusive. We apparently met her as babies, but the only time I really remember talking to her was when I was 14. She died a few years after that because of Alzheimer’s, and the more I find out as an adult myself about what she did to my dad and his brother, the more thankful I am the only time I really had a conversation with her, she kept forgetting my name, my age, and who I was. OP, keep your kids away from these grandparents. It’s not worth it
[удалено]
>It doesn’t matter who had it worse. Suffering is not a competition. You don’t have to lower your standard of what is or is not acceptable behaviour around you and your child, just because he has. **YES!** Time to stop letting people (often those who claim to love us) use guilt to manipulate us for having boundaries because they "had it worse." I was having a conversation with my daughter about some family disfunction I went through as a kid. At some point I said something along the lines of "I shouldn't let it get to me, it was nothing compared to the things others endure." She said the experience others have is not an excuse to ignore mine & how it affected me. That we're allowed to feel without belittling ourselves & comparing our pain in an effort to diminish our right to feel it. I was well into my 40s when she opened my eyes with that one.
>His father may have said some nice words, but they haven’t been backed up with action. >It doesn’t matter who had it worse. Suffering is not a competition. You don’t have to lower your standard of what is or is not acceptable behaviour around you and your child, just because he has. And use these exact words. Any one who told me to go to hell and shove it up my ass would never be allowed in my home. Protect yourself and your child from these people. Isn't is funny that when he needed to use your home he was suddenly changed, was trying and apologized?
Gosh my mother allowed her drug addict brother into our lives he was wonderful but eventually fell out of our lives we as kids weren't given an explanation for why our favorite uncle wasn't coming around and then I essentially begged him for a relationship in which he could never remember my name but knew my siblings and would talk to me about us like he was talking to a friend or coworker about his nephew and nieces. My older brother verbally abused me practically since I was born my mom told me "he's your brother I allowed mine into y'alls lives" I dead ass looked at her and said "I wish you hadn't it did more harm then good."
Talk - action = shit
Ummm leave. It’s one thing to disrespect me, but if you disrespect my partner I will burn the whole world to the ground. Your husband is a sorry excuse for a partner and father for whining to you about how he had it worse. The fact that he hasn’t demanded an apology for is disgusting. It is his job to protect you from his family.
Agreed. My in-laws pulled shenanigans with our wedding, and I was more upset about what they did to my fiance than how they treated me. My mother in-law apologized after about 26 years, and I'm the kind of person that will not let it go until the person apologizes. So, she and I are good now. My father in-law can eat my butt.
Ya. I am from as very passive aggressive family who avoid confronting anything. We get along until we dont but will avoid and freeze each other out over small issues instead of having a simple direct conversation I make excuses to my husband all the time for some questionable treatment from them To me BUT my mom recently called my husband a bad driver to another family member as an excuse to not attend two family functions because her car “wasn’t working “ and she didn’t feel safe getting a ride with us. I walked in on Conversations at both events where people talking about my husband being a bad driver explaining why my mom wasn’t there My husband drives for a living, is not a bad driver and has a perfect record not to mention she’s never been in the car with him!! It was total bs that she threw him under the bus instead of simply saying “sorry, I’m not feeling up to attending” . And in typical fashion when she repeats a story it grows and the second time she used this excuse she went so far it to have the other family member (who is very important ti me) to promise to never get in a car with him (us) this insult is pretty mild compared to how OPs family has acted towards her but THIS driving lie is what caused me to have my first ever direct and confrontational (but constructive) conversation to resolve conflict with my family Even though I grew up like this and can be blind to it for myself, when the behaviour was directed at my husband it was clear as day that was not ok I also defended him at the events saying lightheartedly but loudly with the intention to be heard, “you know mom, she’s making up stories for an excuse” and this is something many of us see in her but it has NEVER been said outloud before. it’s what my husband deserved from me so I spoke up THRICE for love!
Tell him to get his balls back from his parents and man up. Fil is not nice, treats op bad, hubby can stay with his daddy at a hotel
Your husband still has some very deep rooted issues he needs to continue working on. If he wants to be around his father so much, he can rent a hotel for him and go visit, but you said no and for good reason. It's one thing to allow someone like that around you if you are an adult, but little kids are like sponges - and frankly, you don't need the stress. Unfortunately, your husband might not be able to get past his resentment, and it's going to be his own fault when that comes back and bits him in the ass. You are in the right, OP. This isn't about him staying over for a day. It's about your husband letting his abusive parents back into your lives after you agreed to cut them off. I'm seriously wondering how much communication he has been having with them since you 'cut them off'....
NTA. FIL has never apologized to you for the way he's treated you. Why would you want him in your house if he's going to treat you like crap, and disrespect you? He's an adult. He can figure it out.
He wants you to be his emotional meat shield so he doesn't have to say no or deal with them. He can just guilt you and let his parents come after you.
Your husband can forgive him all he wants. But it doesn't mean YOU have to. They were awful to YOU. You don't have to have them back in your life because of the way the treated you. I would fight to have the kids stay with you when he visits them. You don't want them in an environment where they could be victimized the way he was. He's an adult now and can tell them when to knock their crap off, but your kids are not. I would not trust them around my children. Let him go hang out with them alone. _Husband can rent a hotel room for him and his dad for the appointment. Don't give up your house or safety._
And if he refuses to stay in a hotel then book a room for you and your daughter. Do what another woman did. Don't tell them where you are staying. (Anyone else remember the woman who came home from a business trip to a filthy house? As I recall she just turned around with her bags and went to a hotel. Never told the family where she was staying, just that she wouldn't be back until the house was clean.)
She is awesome!
he may have apologized to him, but he has never to you. so dear husband can accompany his dad while you go to a nice staycation or visit your own family.
NTA he wants To COMPROMISE? Great tell your husband to pay FoR a hotel room/Airbnb for one night for his father
Yeah, at the very least his Dad needs to apologize to you as in "I'm sorry I did X, Y and Z to you. I know that I'm not entitled to your forgiveness but I would like the opportunity to prove to you that I've changed." If he can't do that, he hasn't changed one bit. If you husband insists on his Dad staying at your place, remove yourself and your daughter from your home for the duration. Go to your parent's place or visit a friend. It'll be interesting to see how your hubby feels about his Dad when you're not there to act like a lightning rod for the abuse.
If FIL hasn’t apologized to you then he hasn’t changed. Your husband may have had it worse as a child, but that doesn’t mean what you experienced wasn’t also bad.
Sorry but if my parents ever treated my partner like that, they would be so far out of my life they may as well be in space.
Great so when he allows him to stay at your home you and your daughter go somewhere else for the duration of his stay. He is welcome to forgive but until you get an apology and forgive you don’t have to be around them and that means protecting your daughter too.
Suffering is not a competition. Your home is your home. This is a decision that requires two yeses to happen or one no to stop it. If he wants his dad safe, he can offer to pay for half the hotel room. Not the room service or amenities, but just half the room. Then he can go stay with his dad while you and your child and your pregnancy have a relaxing night without the nonsense.
Abusers tell their partners to get over it and let it go. It sounds like your husband is just like his father and mother. Stand your ground and say no. Don't let fil in the house. If you let fil I'm the house, mil will show up too. This might be the end of your relationship and that might be for the best if he can't respect you and protect you and your kids from abusers.
Where's your apology for all the "shove it up your ass" and the "go to hell" comments. The fact your husband allowed his parents to disrespect you like that is actually also pretty fucking gross and then asking why you can't be uncomfortable for one day for him? A good start would be for the 4 of you to have a conversation. Establish boundaries and move forward that way. I've recently had to do that with my MIL. last summer and then not so long ago we had another conversation. She's doing much better now and I'm hoping we can start a really building a relationship. Best of luck to all of you and congratulations on your babies
Wow. Your husband is emotionally weak and it shows up as resentful, petty, and sulky. Insist he see a therapist for this. He doesn’t get to insist you accept someone who has verbally abused you into your home. And if he changed all that much you’d have received a direct personal apology.
His father hasn't changed. His father WANTS something from you. Your husband can have his own feelings, but he cannot dictate yours. I think both of you need to go to counseling. Also, it won't be one day. If appointment is day X, he'll want to come day W and then he won't want to drive all the way home until day Y at the earliest. What if there are follow ups? What if he gets admitted? Are you expected to host your MIL too?
Get your spouse into counseling. And some couple counseling, it’s not going to get better unless he sees what the problem is. Unless he sees that his parents are the issue, he’s going to just continue to get more and more resentful of you and it will cause marriage issues. He needs to learn the habits set in his childhood are not good and he needs to break it for the next generation
Your husband has it backwards. He's had it *longer*, not worse. People who grow up with abuse are used to it to some degree, because that was their norm at a very early age. People who experience it for the first time *might* have it worse because they have to process that someone would behave that way towards them. But in *your* case, you **do** have it worse, because you were "bait and switched" by his entire family, **including him** in order to get you to the alter. Your husband *knew* they would abuse you and chose to withhold that information from you. He didn't have it worse, **he trapped you in a position where you would take his place as the sacrificial victim.** This is evil and worth divorcing over. NTA, but be aware it's a matter of time before FIL abuses your child.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Don’t give in on this, and don’t subject your child to it. People like your FIL are rarely sorry and even more rarely do they change. Perhaps some therapy can help your husband understand your position - it worked for mine. My biggest regret is that I let my in-laws hurt my children and me. Don’t make my mistake - FIL is trying to get his foot back in the door so they can continue the abuse. Don’t fall for it.
Nope. Just nope. Someone who isn't willing or is unable to provide a genuine apology isn't taking responsibility for their own behavior. It's a sign that they haven't changed.
then why doesn’t he get a hotel with dead ol’ pop and help him that way. you have a right to be comfortable in your him and FIL hasn’t given YOU *any* inclination that he HAS changed. what happens if he yells at you while he is there? does DH have a plan for that or does he think his dad has really changed
Abusers don’t change. Tell him that if it’s so important to be with his dad, then they can share a hotel room. If he insists that his father stay at your house, then you take the baby and go away for the weekend. He can choose to welcome back his abuser, but your FIL was verbally and emotionally abusive to you too- and you’re not interested in renewing that relationship. You’re allowed to have your own boundaries. NtA
He hasn’t changed at all! If he had changed he never would’ve yelled at you the way he had. He’s NOT a safe person. And your children will learn that the people you allow them to be around are safe people. You are teaching your children that FIL is safe, when he isn’t!! You need to protect yourself and your children and you need to demand therapy (individual for your husband or both of you and couples counseling) or start separating even more from your husband. Because your children should be both your and his first priority, but it’s clear that he’s putting his parents wants above your family’s needs.
I almost lost my relationship for failing to protect my partner from my parents. Your husband needs to wake up and realise he is making his life with you not them. He needs to seriously step up especially because you have children. I can understand the hold toxic parents can have on you so I empathise with him a lot but he should not disregard your feelings. therapy totally saved us and helped me realise what I was doing because my parents manipulated me. NTA
Tell hubby you have absolutely no problem with FIL staying in your home...and that you appreciate him volunteering to pay for your stay at a nice, comfortable hotel where you relax and rewind. He can visit with his daddy. They can catch up. Make sure he understands room service may be involved, though. Put it in the budget. This isn't being passive aggressive. A little pampering can be therapeutic. I'd look forward to every visit. It's a win-win. FIL is comfortable. You are comfortable. Well...hubby actually probably isn't very comfortable. But it's his daddy. At least he doesn't have to worry about you being uncomfortable. That's some manipulative behavior though. "Unless you permit my father-in-law to abuse you, I'm going to resent you."
That’s actually a really good plan and compromise but he’s not going to do it (unless I pay for it myself I guess which I could even see him complaining about that since he would be missing out on it)
I also had the thought if if he's not staying in a hotel, you will. Tell your husband you're sure he's willing to spend the money for accommodation for you and your daughter that he would be willing to spend on his father. Or if he thinks you're less important? If he complains about the cost of your choice, say something like oh, I had expected you to want nothing but the best for your father in his fragile condition, I'm not asking for more than that. Denying you that request would just show he thinks you and your daughter are less important to him. Two can play that game. It's also uncomfortable truth time for him.
Okay, then HE is choosing not to have his dad stay at your house. He’s the one saying no. Why can’t dad treat himself to a hotel room. Your husband could go and meet him for dinner. You’re NTA here.
Perhaps you can minimize your exposure to him, then. I've known family members who almost couldn't share a space with you without having something nasty or cutting to say to you. I honestly would find almost any way to avoid being in the same space for an extended period of time. I mean, just because your husband is **volunteering** to be held hostage, doesn't mean you have to be a hostage. Even if I had to turn my bedroom into a "staycation resort". Don't Knock! But if this old guy is like some folks I know...if they caught a glimpse of you walking by they would have to make a comment loud enough to annoy. Weirdest behavior ever.
I don’t think she should settle for this. This man does not belong in her home
What about going to your parents place. Would they appreciate a day or two to dote on the little one and serve you some of your favourite home cooked meals? You can also check and see if one of your friends can put you up for the night.
Then he pays for his daddy and leaves you in your home.
But he doesn't have to do it. You can do it. So what if he complains. Can he really block you from doing it? Is there a sibling or parent you can visit? And old friend? It is the perfect solution, FIL can come but it is all on your husband. Honestly, this is the way to go. If he is so controlling about money that he doesn't "allow" you to spend it, there is a bigger problem. Plus, look in a 1-2 hour radius around you on one of those cheap hotel websites. This could cost under $100 depending on where you are. My kids have always loved a "hotel stay" - as long as there was a pool and waffles for breakfast - our "activities" when we were broke were the nicest playground around, a slice of pizza and the local library. Take yourself out of this equation! They are HIS family.
It's actually a terrible idea. All you're doing is creating problems with your marriage and wasting money that could be spent on the children.
The other room service involved would be him waiting on his dad and I'd be willing to bet he's expecting her to do it...having to wait on his father himself would certainly be an object lesson but I don't see it really happening, he would never agree to her "abandoning him in his time of need" or some other guilt-trip bs...
NTA - Why oh why does your husband want to bring this toxic person into to home for 24-7 to berate on you? Wasn't it enough to have to endure them on the smaller scale before? Remind your husband of his promise to go NC after 1st daughter born? Hold him to that or it is divorce time. Time to grow a spine hubby and stand up for your wife here. He's building resentment towards you? He is the Typhoid Mary carrier of resentment himself.
I mean that’s probably where this is heading anyway.. we are supposed to move overseas after I’ve had this baby. He’s now saying that this is one of the reasons why he can’t leave (he’s apparently also scared of regrets if they pass away while he’s overseas). So he wants to stay behind while I move overseas with our 4yo and newborn
Just divorce him so you can get child support when you go.
Move first while married, or custody might get messy?
Custody will still be messy. She can move at anytime but if he gets the courts involved she would be forced to return the children regardless of their marital status.
Sounds like he approved, so far.
People here don't think about long term effects of their decisions. If she gets a divorce the courts won't allow her to take the children overseas. She would have to give up custody and she would end up paying him child support (depending on which country she goes to).
Oh, dear. He wants his wife and two small children to move overseas *without him*, because he **may** have regrets if his abusive parents die? That is messed-up logic. What does he plan to do with them that would justify the stance that he is taking? Whether he is with you, *his family*, or near to his parents when they die isn't going to affect his level of regret. Does he really believe that if he stays behind that we won't still have regrets? Something that big can't be expunged with proximity. It seems that he is caught in a classic case of being an adult, but still trying to earn the love that he wasn't shown by his parents when he was a child. Not sure what he thinks is going to happen if he stays other than an express pass to divorce court. He really needs to think about what he's trying to accomplish, whether it's realistic, and what the impact will be on his family.
Yes, this guy is really co-dependent (trying to prove himself as the ‘good son’ who deserves love from his abusive parents). I’ve been there - it’s a complex situation. He really needs a bucket load of good counselling. If he can’t afford it, the book ‘children of emotionally immature parents’ might help or the book ‘codependent no more’. NTA. This is a hill worth dying on - your husband needs to admit he needs help and then go get it. I’m unsure whether he is there yet, judging from all the blame he is trying to push onto you.
He's concerned about regrets he *might* have if he doesn't live somewhat close to his abusive parents when they eventually die, but hasn't given a single thought to whether he might regret missing his children growing up. He won't see them every day to say good morning and goodnight. He won't even see them every week or every month. He will miss his new baby rolling over, learning to crawl, their first steps, first words, first solid food. He will miss his older kid's first day of school, sports games, school plays. He won't be there to kiss their boo boos or high five their successes. Is he even going to be able to fly over for birthdays and holidays? Would the kids even care if someone they barely knew was there to watch them open presents? And what if his parents live another 10, 15, 20 years? Is he going to miss his children's entire lives because he feels he should be nearby when his folks kick it? He felt hurt by their neglect, but he plans on doing the same or worse to his kids. His unborn child could be out of the house and off to college before he finally moves back in with his wife. And she is just supposed to raise then as a single parent with no help or companionship that whole time? That would be a hard no or a definite divorce.
So he's choosing to prioritize his toxic parents over you and your children. I think he's already shown you who he is, and it's time for you to believe him.
Hell, it could be his parents feeding him that guilt trip. Certainly seems right up their alley...
you actually just have a husband problem now
He’s not going to regret watching his kids grow up? Oh girl.
What, he wants to leave you to struggle on your own with two children? Whilst he does what? Bruh sounds like an excuse to do something dodgy behind your back not saying that he's definitely a cheater but who would send their wife and two children alone somewhere new???
Move overseas on your own + kids. File for divorce once you have residency settled in the new country. It’ll be better on you in the long run.
Yup and Mr. Jellyfish will see he threw away a family who actually loved him to appease a toxic one who probably wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire/care for him in the least bit. NTA OP.
He didn't heal and you can't help him. He needs to man up and take responsibility and care for the family he created. Make the move and establish yourself and then send the papers.
Personally, any in-law who told me to “shove it up my ass”, wouldn’t step one pinky TOE in my home nor have any access to my children. (If you don’t respect me, how can I trust you with my child). Your husband‘s a dick. Tell him and your FIL to get a motel room for the night. NTA
Me too. Never ever again, not even for a deathbed goodbye visit.
NTA, this person is abusive to you and honestly, your home is your safe space. Dealing with family members like this is really tough and they tend to get worse when they aren't feeling well.
NTA. Nobody gets to yell at you in your own house. He can stay at a hotel or you can stay at a hotel that he pays for.
Yes. The cheap hotel for the FIL near the hospital Or nice hotel (spa?) for OP with her child to unwind from all this mess NTA
NTA Going to visit them is a huge compromise on your part. I would never be in the same room with these horrible people. I would definitely not let my child around them. Let your FIL stay in a hotel for the night. If he won't do that or your husband balks, you take your daughter, go to a hotel and treat yourself to room service!!
NTA. Hubby needs to pick a side. You and the kids or the parents. If he hesitates kick him out and show proof of the abuse the inlaws have inflicted to make sure you get full custody
You've been willing to be more than uncomfortable for him for 18 months by having his kids. They need to accommodate you in your own home WHILE you are already uncomfortable. FIL could get a hotel. Then there would be No one uncomfortable with the situation. NTA
NTA - fil needs to sincerely apologize to you before you allow him in your home and one mean word from fil to you, fil is out the door and stays in a hotel. you have a husband problem. can you two get marriage counseling? compromise does not mean your spouse gets to be verbally abused by in-laws. no one deserves that.
NTA but you made a huge mistake in staying married to this man. He allowed his family to disrespect you and he only allowed you to distance yourself after your second child? You should have been out the door the first day that he let disrespect slide. Please leave him now.
NTA. Many times, there is a lodge near the hospital where patients can stay at a reasonable rate and get to the hospital easily the next day. My husband and I did that before a procedure in another city since my check-in at the hospital was 5:30 a.m. local time.
NTA. He can stay with his dad n a hotel near the hospital. Nice bonding time for him.
If your husband wants him to stay there let your husband deal with it. Pack a bag for yourself and your daughter and spend the night at a hotel. NTA
Nta. Unfortunately, given how your husband has chosen to process the whole situation, I would seriously reevaluat the whole ass relationship. Now, unfortunately, I think you know he's not going accept the result, and blame you entirely. He'll fight tooth and nail for 50/50, if not full custody, and during his part of the custody, the in laws will absolutely get visitation, regardless if they were banned as a part of the custody agreement. The entire family will go out of their way to attempt to poison your children against you. That's just how these toxic ah families work. Your only option will be to fight back when harder. Go for full custody and block all of them from your life. When anyone gets mad at you for depriving your children of their father, they get a block, too. Fight for your kids, op.
Your poor husband is weak when it comes to his parents. You have to continue to be strong for both of you. No way would I put up with someone who told me to 'shove it up my ass'.
NTA Why don't you go away with your child for the day FIL needs to be at your place? Go to family or book a hotel, just be absent. That way, you can relax and your husband can host his father.
NTA, the change of a person is demonstrated with actions not with words, I can slightly understand that your husband does not want to give up on his parents, but sometimes the goodness that we think we see in other people is a reflection of our own goodness, that does not concern him. It gives your husband the right to expose you and your daughter to a toxic person who didn't even have the courtesy to ask for your forgiveness. Please ask yourself if it is really worth staying with a person who is prioritizing his negligent parents over his new family.
Tell your husband fine, FIL can stay there. And you will be studying in a nice cosy hotel during that time.
NTA Your husband has been groomed to feel like he is. Also remember that the longer the distance apart, the less bad the things that were done seem to feel (until you experience them again). Perhaps your husband needs some therapy to unpack his childhood... if he hasn't had it before. Your FIL is either a narcissist too or he's an enabler. It's easier for him to do his wife's bidding and get angry at the person that stands up to her in whatever form that is. Unfortunately this is the family that you have married into. There's no winners here.... however I would not be making the FIL's stay easy. Your husband can time time off to be with him. Does your husband expect you to take him to his appointment? If so, then it will be a no and he can do it. Your concession is the ability for him to stay... I hope that invitation doesn't extend to your MIL though. If that's the case, I would be finding somewhere else to stay for the night with your daughter... maybe your parents. You can say that your husband can entertain his parents and yours will entertain you!
NTA. Tell your husband he has to take your side. It’s his job. His father can easily stay in a hotel for his medical visits. Also tell him to lose the resentful attitude to you because you have done your best to let your child know her grandparents. This, despite them never apologising for their appalling behaviour to you.
You want these abusive people around your children? Honestly, your husband's apathy and contentment with his parents abuse should be a massive wake up call to you that your marriage has serious communication issues and you two aren't on the same page. ESH
How about your anxiety while being pregnant? Stress isn’t good for you or your child. You daughter is going to pick up on the vibes in the house. Does your husband expect her to watch if his father has one of his moments where he yells? I can see it being written off as part of his health issues- he is worried, in pain, stressed, away from home, blah blah blah, still excuses that are all bullshit. I hate it when being a woman is the reason for behaviors but I would totally think about crying & saying how much it is stressing you and the baby. Look up what stress does to a baby. Hell, I had weeks of 3x/week of non-stress tests with my last pregnancy. The Dr was concerned that some of my health issues might cause problems. This included my husband’s absurd work schedule and me not having much of a break from my two boys. I wish I could fix this for you. Call them all out on bullying you, because 100% they are. Would your husband allow the same behavior if it was happening to your daughter?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) have been with my partner (28M) for 8 years and for the first two years of our relationship, I had a really decent relationship with my in-laws. At that time, my partner never made me aware of his childhood trauma and neglect by his parents and family and they never mentioned it and pretended like they were just one big happy family. Fast forward to us getting married and my in laws have really showed their true colours, literally on the day off. They were extremely demanding and entitled to the extent that my mil tried to force me to leave one of my wedding events right before it was meant to start to pick her up, with absolutely no warning (I could have organised a driver for her if she let me know beforehand). When I refused, she got really mad and all things went down after that. They consistently got mad at me and my partner over the dumbest things (like wanting to spend our first day as a married couple at home, in bed, relaxing, after a week of chaos and wedding events instead of hanging out with them) they took to Facebook about how ungrateful and horrible we were which only distanced my partners entire family from him even more and they even went as far as to move hotels without letting us know where so that we wouldnt find or reach them. This is all just a small snippet of things I’ve had to endure from my in laws. Now to my fil, I truly feel for him and his own upbringing and toxic marriage however this man would consistently yell and berate me every time his wife was upset with me. I was told to “go to hell”, to “shove it up my ass” I was called horrible things and was constantly fuelled with anxiety because of the way he would attack me. He doesn’t even attack his own children like this Luckily, my husband decided that we can finally distance ourselves and cut them off after our first daughter was born. Now they are both having some health issues and my fil has been needing specialists for a damaged nerve problem or something. They live up in the country and we live around the city, so he has approached my husband a few times about staying at our place because of a hospital appointment he had, to avoid the long drive, and I refused as I didn’t feel comfortable and I’m already struggling so much with this second pregnancy. My husband is upset with me, he says that he’s been building up resentment towards me since I said no because I couldn’t “compromise” and “be uncomfortable” for him for just one day so that his dad could stay with us and go to the hospital and I’m so hurt and confused. Despite us “cutting them off”, since I found out about their health issues, I’ve had no problem going up for visits with our daughter so they could meet their granddaughter for the first time but somehow he says that wasn’t a compromise and wasn’t enough. Im really confused and I’m actually starting to feel like a bad person right now for saying no. So please, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
At the very least, you and your child can get a hotel room while your FIL is there.
If he wants to make it comfortable for his dad, he can get a hotel room and stay with him there.
Updateme
Sure husband, I’ll “compromise” your father can come and stay here but me and our daughter will be going to a nice hotel until he leaves. And when I get back I’m telling you now, I will be questioning our marriage and your inability to protect our children.
NTA OP, I know it’s hard to break the cycle of abuse in the sense that it’s hard for the victims to see the manipulation and other abuse the abusers put them through. I have absolutely been there before. I absolutely understand how anxiety inducing it can be. I can absolutely empathize with your husband. HOWEVER that being said despite that, your husband is also kind of being an AH. Because he has a wife (you OP), a daughter and an unborn child he has to think about and PROTECT. And inviting one of the people that is constantly verbally harassing and abusing both of you is NOT how you go about that. He needs to grow a back bone and defend you as his wife and partner. But not only that YOUR PREGNANT and somehow YOU need to COMPROMISE??? What?? Even not pregnant, nobody EVER has the right to go into YOUR home and disrespect YOU. And the fact that your pregnant and your husband wants to subjugate you HIS PREGNANT WIFE to his FATHER’S VERBAL ABUSE IN HER OWN HOME?? Uh no, it sounds like you’ve got not only an in law problem, but a husband problem too.
NTA. If anyone ever seriously told me to "Shove it up my ass" they would never enter my home again let alone sleep there. If my spouse insisted I'd be questioning my marriage pretty seriously. You do not have to have someone abusive stay in your home family or not. Especially being pregnant your husband should be protecting you.
NTA, your husband is. He's putting his parents ahead of you and your children. Get a hotel room and let your husband deal with his dad at home.
So, the FIL has treated you like the dirt beneath his shoe and you're just supposed to "let it go" because he's sick? No way. Just no way. What's to keep this man from continuing his treatment of you? Your husband doesn't seem to care and I doubt very much that the presence of your older child will stop him. You're pregnant, OP. Too much stress could hurt or kill you or hurt or kill your baby. Or could hurt it kill you both. Is your husband really willing to put your health as well as the health of your baby and daughter at risk? Cause that's what he's going to do. There's no way your FIL has changed. He's going to continue abusing you and it'll be even easier with him in your house because he'll have access to you 24/7. You need to draw a line here, OP. Either your husband supports your decision not to let the FIL in your house or you need to go somewhere else because that's not healthy for you or your children. They need to come first, as do you. And will your husband do that? Will he put you first or will he continue to roll over and show his belly anytime his parents say something to him?
I need only see the letters MIL to know you’re NTA.
NTA. Get a fuking hotel fil!
Are hotels not an available option?
NTA! Your lovely FIL can stay with you, only if he apologizes for all the nasty things he's said. You offered up visits but it's not enough for them. Your husband isn't defending you any longer nor backing you up. That's a red flag and something is up. Every hospital I have ever seen has hotels near it, for that very same purpose...people coming up to visit or have appts. He's using his health issues to not only guilt his son, but to establish some kind of dominance over you as his son's wife. You don't want him there, stick to your guns. You are pregnant, struggling with feeling well and that's what matters. His health issues and inability to pay for a hotel room is not your problem.
Tell your hubby that you'll consider it IF your FIL offers you a sincere apology backed up by action. FiL will of course say no, so you can turn it around on him.
your husband needs to go to counseling or divorce him
Updateme
NTA and he has ent changed he he’s putting on an act to get what he wants. If he shows up leave go to a friends house or a relative even a hotel if necessary with your daughter. There is no reason you or her should have to deal with that. Husband can kiss ass if he wants but you don’t have to. Let him know this in advance. He can grow a freaking spine or your out till the demon from hell goes back to his satan of a wife
Honestly, your husband was TA from the start, by withholding important information/going along with the charade of “happy family” for two years. You signed up for this marriage/family without informed consent at no fault of your own. And yeah his parents sound truly horrible but it was his responsibility to protect you from them or at least clue you in to the facts of the situation. But he didn’t, so you’ve been dealing with this for years now, and he still isn’t prioritizing you or his children. And now HE’S the one building up resentment?? NTA, OP. But I don’t know if I could stay with this guy unless things changed dramatically. Is he currently/has he ever been in therapy? Do you have other supports (locally or overseas)?
NTA. Abusers don’t get to play happy family.
NTA. He promised to cut them off but clearly won’t. Abusers never really change, they just get better at hiding it, which my husband had to learn the hard way. My MIL is abusive and my FIL is an enabler, but my husband still believed they had changed because his parents could behave for a few days. Four months later and it was back to how it had always been. Your husband is naive to think this will end any other way than in tears. A partner should always be in your corner and especially now that you’re pregnant.
NTA. The FIL is a piece of poo. You're literally pregnant and need a very stress free environment. It's clear that even considering letting him stay over is creating a massive spike in your anxiety. It's not only up to your husband to forgive him, it's up to you, too. Your husband needs to take a step back and care about his pregnant wife over his awful dad. If FIL is actually worried about the long drive he should book a hotel or just bugger off. He treated YOU badly too. You and your husband should be a united front, a singular unit. He should be more understanding that hey maybe its not the right time to unpack all of this sh** and give you a break.
OP- NTA. Perhaps You "Husband" should move out and get an Apartment where he can host his abusive Parents whenever he wants. You stay where you are, and File for Full Custody of your children using the Abusive Family Tendencies as a reason. You don't feel safe around FIL or MIL, Your Husband hid the level of Toxic his Family was until your Wedding- They feel entitled to SCREAM at YOU. Just No. I would NEVER let my child anywhere near these people. If he is growing Resentful that YOU do not Wish to be treated Abusively, then It's time to reevaluate your relationship. He doesn't Protect YOU, he won't Protect YOUR CHILDREN.
Nta, I have a similar in law sitting (although not husband situation). I would say it’s not a straight path to “distance” for many, We did get back in contact without an apology, But had very firm boundaries, and if the trended near them my husband “ reminds “ I would say it’s not perfect, but civil, but they stay in a hotel if they come
NTA If your husband is starting to mimic his parents behaviour, you need to start planning to get away and keep your children safe.
Nta. Are you two together in counseling or perhaps just your husband? Because the first red flag I saw was him not telling you what his family was like/being the main arbiter of whether you and your fledgling family would be safe from what he already knew was a threat. That he now feels someone has made one overture of better behavior (toward him and him alone) so that should open the literal door to your home as well as figuratively to your family speaks to a lot of healing he needs and also inconsiderate feelings to unpack. I think you've made solid compromises but please don't make them at the expense of you and your daughter if your husband wants to throw himself on the pyre. Estrangement and having abusive or painful relationships is very difficult, and many experience guilt and softening (whether warranted or not) when the offending party gets older or sick or vulnerable because there's the argument of family, but that doesn't and shouldn't necessarily absolve them of their previous or potential harm. Good luck, OP.
NTA updateme
NTA. People that have traumatized you and been horrible, without apologizing or bettering themselves, don't get a free pass to your life or your kids just because they're sick. You've already compromised by taking your kid(s) to see them. Your home is your safe haven. They're not allowed to breach that.
NTA. Hotels are a thing.
NTA. The ILs abused you with terrible verbal abuse. Your husband wants you to tolerate more abuse because it’ll be easier on his dad. He is being quite a cruel husband. Frankly, be on the lookout for warning / early signs that he will start doing the same verbal abuse to you down the road.
If it's only for one day, insist your husband is there at all times and looks after his father, and spend as much time as possible away from them both. Go out for the day, shut yourself in your bedroom whatever. This is a tipping point in your marriage. He should be backing you up.
NTA. Your husband is a fail.
Has your husband considered the very real possibility that if FIL comes, he will refuse to leave?
NTA
>I was told to “go to hell”, to “shove it up my ass” NTA Tell your spineless husband that he can do as his father recommends. You shouldn't have to take being spoken to like that and if your husband thinks it can be swept under the rug, he needs a reality check. He thinks he has resentment? Just watch what you can bring to the table if you are forced to associate with things like that.
NTA. They can go get a hotel room together.
NTA. Being uncomfortable for “just one day” isn’t a compromise; it’s giving in. Tell your husband his dad can stay if he (husband) agrees with you spending the night with a friend or even at a hotel; *that’s* a compromise.
NTA are you sure your husband went no contact with his parents? How can your husband let anyone, who tells you 'to shove it up your ass', around you, especially pregnant? Your father-in-law may have had a bad childhood and a horrible marriage, but it doesn't give him the right to take it out on you. Your husband no longer has your back. I would take some time and figure out an exit plan after you get birth. Don't let your father-in-law stay with you.
No, NTA .But look into marital counseling if you can afford it.Your husband still deeply wants and needs that parental approval.YOU OP have the right to avoid people who treat you so viciously
NTA - he can pay for a hotel
NTA. Your fil has treated you like dirt. People who are disrespectful to you don’t get to stay at your house, let alone visit there for 5 mins. Your husband needs to have your back. Right now he doesn’t.
NTA... I've never invited someone that was verbally abusive to me, into my home. I think I would draw a line there. If you want to compromise, could you arrange to be out with a friend that day. Do you trust him around your children? Could you tell them that you expect them to be civil in your home, or they will need to leave.
NTA. Remind him how you were treated, never got an apology, old man hasn't changed as far as you are concerned. If hubby wants to support his dad, they can get a hotel together. Don't budge on YOUR boundary, you've cut them off.
NTA. Your husband is a product of them. He is manipulative and HOW is this a compromise? All sides are giving things up, just you.
If he’s ok with you going overseas with his children alone so he doesn’t have regrets about his shitty parents then he’s probably already checked out of the marriage.
>My husband is upset with me, he says that he’s been building up resentment towards me since I said no because I couldn’t “compromise” and “be uncomfortable” for him for just one day so that his dad could stay with us and go to the hospital and I’m so hurt and confused. Despite us “cutting them off”, since I found out about their health issues, I’ve had no problem going up for visits with our daughter so they could meet their granddaughter for the first time but somehow he says that wasn’t a compromise and wasn’t enough. Get angry. Your husband wants you to expose yourself to a verbal abuser while you’re pregnant and around your kid. He can accept whatever behavior he likes from them, he does not get to insist you do the same. At all. NTA. You have compromised immensely.
NTA Ask your husband why it's ok for him to demand YOU be uncomfortable rather than demand his father feel discomfort and treat you with minimal respect? (and sit quietly waiting for his answer) Why exactly should YOU be uncomfortable in your own home? Does he understand that his father is your abuser. So why does he want to open your door to an abusive, abrasive person? Why should his father be protected from his own actions? If husband was verbally abusive to his boss, would he be surprised when he got fired? Nope - why not ? Logical consequences. So what happens when people are jerks? Their invitations dry up. Logical consequences. If FIL wanted a different outcome he should have chosen different actions. And there is no way YOU are going to invite an abusive jerk into your home to continue their abusive behavior. You're not telling husband he can't see his father. You're not saying FIL can't stay in your town. He can get a hotel. Husband can stay with his dad. But FIL is not coming into your home and provided an opportunity to abuse you more.
Remind Hubby of the vows he took with you. He needs to protect you and your children.
You are absolutely NTA for protecting yourself and your daughter from abusive relatives. Your husband needs to see that, too. I hope he doesn't continue to expect you to be accomodating and kind to his father who has yelled at you and called you names.
NTA - Why can't he stay at a hotel? Or, if he's going to stay at the house, maybe you should go for a nice spa hotel and go relax for the night. Husband can choose his wife and kids or his abusive father.
NTA Your husband should be protecting you from the abuse, not facilitating it. Pretty simple.
NTA and sounds like husband is falling into the abuse cycle he is part of instead of breaking free of it protect yourself and your children
NTA Your husband is an idiot if he thinks it's appropriate to allow his toxic and abusive father around his pregnant wife
NTA. Your husband is pushing his abusive parents onto you in spite of the fact that you have agreed to have little contact with them. They can get a hotel if they need to stay in town.
NTA - let him know then that you and your daughter will be at a hotel when his dad stays at your house.
NTA. You shouldn’t be letting these people around your kids.
NTA. You have a husband problem. You aren't a bad person. Tell him he and dad can "go to hell" and "shove it up their asses" because that kind of verbal abuse is uncalled for. You certainly don't need to experience that again - and in your own home.
Tell your husband fine and then go get a hotel and spa for yourself.
NTA. Tell him his father can come to stay with him, but you and your daughter will not be there. Then get yourself a hotel room, or go visit your family for the duration of FILs stay. Then, get marriage counseling for the two of you.
**Your husband bait-and-switched you to be the new abuse target in his family.** Abusive people don't hide that long without a purpose. Your husband intentionally chose not to tell you. Your husband has a better relationship because he made you the sacrifice. NTA, but I question your judgment anyway when you allow a family entirely made up of abusers and decievers have access to your child.
NTA. When you are repeatedly an asshole to someone, you don't get to stay in their house. Tell your husband to take his idea of compromise and shove it up his ass, and that, if he's going to support the abusive asshole over his wife, they can both go to hell.
OP has a husband problem. No way in HELL would my husband let his dad tell me to shove it up my ass. He can book a hotel for his shitty dad and go stay with him. Protect your peace ma’am. NTA
NTA your husband is the AH.
NTA but hubs needs therapy. It's appalling to ask your pregnant partner to be uncomfortable for me cause you love me um no.
NTA.
Pay for a hotel
Let him stay there, you go visit a friend. It’s not ideal for you but it might keep the peace.
YTA Anyone who tries to control their spouses relationship with their parents is an AH.
She’s not trying to control her spouses relationship. She’s setting a boundary that people who tell her to “shove it up her ass” don’t get to stay in her house.
YTA Your husband is trying to reconcile with his parents and you are hindering that. Give them the rope and see if they hang themselves on it ie talk to your husband and say you will give them another chance since he wants this but you expect him to support you in going LC again or only meeting them outside your home if they act inappropriately in your home.
Reconciling with his parents should not hinge on FIL staying at their house. If it does, then clearly it’s not the relationship they are interested in reconsiling.