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NTA - So your wife saved your mother, who is consistently awful to your wife and the family don't see that she is consistently awful to your wife? WTF????
They see it, they just don’t see it as a problem. To them, a bad mil/dil relationship is par for the course and my wife is entitled for wanting my mom to show a little kindness.
Respectfully you and your wife need to take the lesson - this is not a good person. She bullied your wife and took advantage of her lifesaving gift. It is astounding to me that you keep rewarding your mother with your ongoing presence and affection while she mistreats your wife.
I mean, I assume based on your post that you maintain a relationship with your mother during years of her mistreatment towards your wife, correct? So that's quite a bit of affection she got in return for her bad behavior, many years worth. Good deal for her. Do you plan to attend the wedding if your wife is excluded?
This is the world in which her son won't go NC over her awful treatment of his wife. The world in which her son thinks telling Mommy off every once in a while is an adequate response.
And NOT just a DIL. DIL WHO SAVED YOUR LIFE. She had surgery and pain and all the new restrictions on her partial liver for this woman. If that doesn't deserve some courtesy than what the hell does?
Seriously. That woman gave up a part of her body in a major surgery and took pretty significant risk so MIL could survive. That is about as selfless as one can get. MIL is awful.
It’s the saying: no good deed goes unpunished. Wife should take her lesson and never go close to this person ever again, even if she desperately needs another body part, like a kidney or something. And I hope Op backs his wife up and wasn’t one who pestered his wife for a good relationship to begin with. If saving the mother’s life wasn’t enough, nothing ever will.
Then it’s your responsibility to protect your wife from your mother’s actions, even if that means you may not have a relationship with your mother anymore. There should never be a scenario again where your wife will have to put up with her.
No one is implying you shower your mom with hugs and kisses and I love you mummy. The fact you still have relationship with her enables her to treat your wife like this.
My paternal grandma is nuts. She’s hardworking but consider her a trumper in Canada. She has demeaned my mother her entire life with my dad. You know what my dad does? He says, Ma you can’t do that. That’s not fair that’s not nice. You know when he tells her this? When he goes over to pick up bread she made for him, when he goes to help paint her garage, when he goes by for literally any reason.
And the fact he keeps going, keeps answering calls, keeps communication lines open, is the reason she continues to do this 35+ years later. That despite her treatment of my mother she gets her son still. Whether he’s grumpy or scolds her, or seems sad doesn’t matter. Her son is still in her life and that’s all that matters. And the optics look like, if he had to choose his mother or wife he would choose his mother bc that is essentially what putting up with bullying is. If you were on a playground getting bullied by a kid and you had the choice to not interact with that kid, you likely would, you would never want to continue communication with them. Most people would cut them off. But for the sake of your mother as your birth giver and child raiser , she’s getting an exemption.
Though based on your explanation of your wife and how full of grace she is, I feel like if you were to go NC with your mom, she might object. She seems like the type of person who would want (despite her being the target for all these shots) that you still maintain a relationship with your mom because it’s “the right thing to do” which it isn’t.
It is time to remove yourselves from your mother’s life. Go NC, and when your mother sends her flying monkeys after you remind them that your mother is so wretchedly ungrateful that she excluded the woman who saved her life from her wedding.
And their whole explanation of "ahh, it's no big deal. A MIL/DIL relationship is always bad."
Really? So then why is OP's brother's wife a bridesmaid? Don't they also have one of those "MIL/DIL" relationships?
The MIL/DIL myth of always being bad is bullshit. My mom ADORED my wife and treated her like a blood daughter. But if she treated her like OP's mom does? I would cut her off completely. In a heartbeat. My wife knows I've always got her back. Just shaking a finger at his mom saying "no, no, no. Naughty, naughty" but still having a relationship to allow her to use his wife as a punching bag shows his mom that she never has to change.
Not sure why OP would even want a relationship with her. She's sounds horrific. A shit human being.
Dude, this is way more of a no contact situation than half the shit posted here.
If your family wont treat your with with basic decency and respect, if not kindness, then why do you keep subjecting her to them?
Fr. Even I agree and I'm of the few voices around here preaching reconciliation.
But if you literally give someone your liver and they still treat you like crap, it's past time for NC.
You say this, and yet you still put your wife through this day after day. What does "furious" mean? Your wife went through potentially life-threatening surgery to save your mother's life and your mother is still being cruel, and right now all you have to show your support is that you're upset and you criticized your mom one time.
You should be following through with actions. You won't be attending your mom's wedding if your wife is not invited, and you should be considering if you want to attend at all. You should be going at least low-contact with your mom until and unless your mom changes her attitude. You should be getting in front of this and actually doing something about it.
Or, you know, be "furious" and let your wife suffer I guess.
Why did you allow your mother to behave this way for years unchecked? And what do you plan to do going forward? Are you still going to her wedding? Will you still call and speak with her periodically? Have dinners? Where's the consequences?
Good, militantly defend her against all of them. Put them in their place. And don't lift a damn finger for mother dearest going forward.. Your fantastic siblings can help out.
SHE is your family now, the others need to decide whether or not they want to be a part of it.
so pick your *wife* over your trash mother to prove you will not stand up for it. I fucking wish my ex grew a spine when it came his mom. I was *always* second in that family, for 10 years. show your mom you're done with her bullshit once and for all by going no contact, forever.
You're rewarding her by continuing to maintain a relationship with her. If you're truly furious at her, show it by ending communication with her -- completely.
I mean...are you going to the wedding? Cause if you are then she's just getting what she wants and once again has no consequences for her behavior.
To be blunt, your wife should've let her die. Donating part of her liver means her risking her life and long term health. She could still have long term issues from that and your mother continues to disrespect her very blatantly. Anything short of no contact is not enough
Grow a spine
Why are you even bothering to have a relationship with ANY of these people considering how they’re treating your wife…
After she saved your mothers LIFE….
Sounds like you and you wife should just skip the wedding entirely. It would be a good opportunity for you to treat you wife to a nice vacation...NTA...
And now it's time to make changes to how you treat your mother that make that clear.
You've tolerated the behavior for all these previous years, which "rewarded" her with your continued relationship and affection *despite* her shitty and disrespectful behavior.
This isn't blaming you, but it is saying it's beyond time to change your approach to this. ❤️🩹
(And we get it. A lot of us have that mom, too.)
Your wife is a Saint for helping a woman who has abused her emotionally and mentally for years.
As a husband, you never should have let your wife give her liver to her bully, to her emotional abuser.
Your wife is amazing foe even agreeing.
You need to cut your mom and family off. What your mother is doing is t ok.
It's time to be done with your mother and her family.
Your wife shouldn't be subjected to bullying and abuse just because that's how things are.
Plenty of women are close to their mils.
You don't just have one but a family of AHs. Don't go to the wedding and make it clear that if your mom is going to behave badly towards your wife you will go NC
Um, please don't go to the wedding. Boycott it. Stand up for your wife.
You have done a good thing. You stood up for your wife, who you love. Make this your line in the sand and say "no more."
She saved her life, went through surgery for her, pain for her, and she won't even make her a token bridesmaid? Be done with it.
I hope I’m not the only person to point out, it’s massively dissonant for your family to say a bad MIL/DIL relationship is par for the course when presumably she has at least a cordial relationship with your SIL to make her a bridesmaid. I sincerely hope your brother isn’t one of the people scolding you. You’re NTA, but man is your family full of them. Your mother has a right to choose, but she has no right to be outright cruel.
How would they feel if your wife refusedntondonatenher liver because a bad mil/dil relationship is par for the course and called your mom entitled for wanting a literal piece of her body?
Something tells me they are only okay with shittiness if it's one sided.
He is the AH for not protecting his wife against his bullying family, and my gosh, his loving, caring wife gave part of her liver to save that witch of a mother, to then have his family continue to bully and emotionally abuse his wife....what does say about OP? Will he find it acceptable in the future if/when they have children, that if said children are treated the same way they treat his poor wife that it will be OK because it's his mom, his siblings, etc???? What does that say about him as a husband? What does that say about him as a MAN? I would never stay married to a man who allowed his family to treat me this way, especially after saving the life of his mother! They should treat her with loving respect for the rest of their lives. If not for the loving gift of part of his wife's liver, his mother probably wouldn't be alive today to get married. Fine, she doesn't want DIL to be in the wedding party, but seriously, did she have to be so disrespectful about it?
OP is definitely the AH for allowing this type of bullying and emotional abuse towards his wife, and I say allow because he has yet to put a stop to it. In essence, by not stopping it to date means he's actually condoning this despicable behavior. Treating mom like a 2 yr old isn't stopping it. Saying to mom, "that's not nice" is what one might say to a 2 yr old to try to change bad behavior not a grown woman. I can forsee the time in the future when his lovely wife finally says enough is enough and this guy ends up divorced and wondering what happened. I got lucky and hit the lottery in the in-laws department. I love all my in-laws and they love me. I am widowed yet still have an excellent relationship with my in-laws.
Botton line, this guy needs to grow a spine and start protecting his wife before it's too late. He needs to cut off all contact with his bullying, abusive family until they can learn some respect and common decency.
Why the actual fuck would you let your wife donate part of her liver to a woman who can’t stand her??? Like if my mother was horrible to my husband there’s no way in hell I’d be shipping him off to the hospital to help her
My wife is literally the kindest person I know. She volunteered to do it. As much as I don’t like right now, she’s my mom and I love her. I don’t agree with people in the chat saying my mom owes my wife nothing. She saved my mom’s life. And my wife is an exceptionally healthy person who takes care of her body. My mom couldn’t have asked for a better liver donor.
Sounds like his mother would have been more grateful to a stranger. That's really sad and cruel. On his entire family, not just the mother, and he's not helping by telling his mother that he won't put up with her behavior any longer.
OP you're so problematic! I hope your wife sees how she's being taken advantage of by you. You're saying nice things about your wife but you're not at all looking out for her well being. YTA for being a poor husband.
Then why are you even questioning if you are the AH? It’s so clearly your mother even before you mentioned the liver. I don’t understand how you could have allowed it to get to this point because it seems like this disrespect has been going on for a long time. You are the AH for not protecting your wife from your mother’s relentless disgusting behavior.
>I don’t agree with people in the chat saying my mom owes my wife nothing.
Your mom owes your wife respect, but not because of the liver. Because your wife is a human being, and deserves to be treated with respect just because of that.
>She saved my mom’s life.
And I doubt she did it for thanks. The donation wasn’t transactional. If you tell your mom that she “owes” something to your wife because of the donation, you’ll end up poisoning the altruistic actions of your wife.
No one can live with the thought that they “owe” something to the person who saved their life, because there is literally no way to pay someone back for that. If you decide to save someone’s life, you can’t do it with the expectation that you’ll get something in return. That’s… gross.
Taking someone's gift of life and shitting on them is gross. When my husband and I were dating, I was home sick with what I thought was the flu. He came over, saw me, called 911 and told me I was going to the hospital in his truck or in an ambulance. I fought for a bit because...flu bug doesn't need an ER. He took me, I was septic, if he hadn't forced me I would have died. 100%. I am so grateful to him for saving my life. I owe him that because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. Best guy ever.
But she treats that donor like garbage.
**AND YOU LET HER.**
Why is your wife not your priority? Don't bother trying to say that she is, because your actions prove she's not. If she was, you wouldn't have a relationship with your mom or any of the other relatives who shit on your wife for wanting her MIL to show her some basic respect.
The real problem here is...YOU.
What do you love about your mom? She doesn't seem to be a nice person worth loving. On the other hand your wife sounds like a remarkable person worth loving. I think you need to choose who is worthy of your love. If your mom loved you she would respect your choice of life partner, she does not.
YTA for not shielding your wife from your mom/family. You can be mad at your mom but you still have a connection with her after all that. Tell me, are you gonna attend the wedding? :)
Your mother is allowed to dislike your wife and not have a close relationship with her. And your wife’s persistence in trying to strengthen their relationship likely did the opposite.
However, your mother is being deliberately cruel and mean to your wife. That’s not acceptable. You should not enable or allow that behavior to continue. Whatever you are doing isn’t improving the situation. By maintaining the current relationship you have with your mother, you are enabling your wife to continue to be hurt.
I’d recommend helping your wife to understand that even though *she* is a wonderful person, your mother will never appreciate her. Perhaps your wife is a people pleaser? You may want to suggest therapy because, ideally, your wife should be able to see that your mother is unworthy of her attention and effort.
As for your relationship with your mother, you need to make it clear that you will not accept her nastiness towards your wife and enforce consequences. Your mother does not have to make your wife a bridesmaid. What she does have to do is treat her kindly and with respect. She failed to do that.
What consequences will you enforce? If you take your wife to the wedding, she will likely be unhappy & feel rejected. If you attend alone, your mother wins and her bad behavior is rewarded. So, don’t go. Tell your mother that she used her wedding & bridesmaid choice as a tool to hurt your wife. As a result, you both are skipping. You may consider some criteria that would change your mind but if you have to go as far as not going to the wedding to make your point - do it.
You need to grow up and realize your mom is unimaginably cruel to a person who literally saved her life.
You need therapy if you’re still willing to talk to your mother after treating your partner like that.
How can you love someone who is cruel to the person you chose to spend your life with and put above all others? Thats just stupid tbh. Love is not owed to your mother, but you chose your wife so it is owed to her and how you love her is by protecting her from people who get off on hurting her, even if it is your mom.
his wife is a truly kind person. she has a backbone. what she needs is a pair of glasses. so she can see her MIL is a rotten petty witch, who obv gave birth to a spineless son, who lucked out in the wife dept.
She really, really is.
But you can't get blood from a stone, even if you give them a friggin' piece of one of your organs.
Wife needs to find a way to release her (now toxic) hope of having a relationship with MIL, and I hope you can help her move on to forge good relationships with people deserving of her kindness.
I hope she recovered well from her surgery.
💜
I think there might be a touch more. I’m not putting ANY blame on your wife, but I also think that her efforts to please your mom is becoming a real issue.
A) first and foremost, your mom doesn’t like it and doesn’t like your wife. Be she an asshole or not, that’s a pretty firm boundary about the kind of relationship she is willing to have.
B) your wife undergoing major surgery to donate a fucking organ to someone who treats her so poorly is beyond “good” and “nice.”
You guys have every right and reason to drop the rope with your mom. Your mom has every right to decide who to spend her time with, provided she also accepts the consequences of souring her relationship with you and your wife.
Your mom’s rejection of the relationship your wife hoped for is not an indictment of your wife. I would seriously, seriously recommend therapy for you guys. Donating part of her liver is an *extreme* way to try and create a better relationship with someone.
This is complicated and messy and I don’t think I can reasonably vote. I don’t think your wife is TA, I think there’s more going on and this situation just isn’t that simple.
Even good people get tired of being abused, which is what your mother is doing! Do you even like your wife? I only ask because you allow your mother to treat her like absolute garbage!
if you truly believe that your wife is a good person, why aren't you doing something about your mother/family's bad treatment of her. You DO understand that its their lack of respect and consideration for YOU and YOUR feelings that's causing this issue to continue, right? Your mother is not a good person, which is why she dislikes your wife so much. Meanness resents kindness. Hate recoils from love. Darkness avoids the light.
>She may be a good mother *in your opinion*, but that doesn't make her a good human being. She has no moral compass, she took the gift of extending her life from your wife and didn't care about either of you to at least curb her cruelty (the talk about not being in her wedding, and good luck to THAT guy). **Make no mistake, your mother's treatment of your wife is a direct reflection of her feelings for you, and your weak af family takes their cues from her.**
Since you WON'T make her accountable for the wife you say you think is so great, maybe you'll do it for yourself. Do you already know your family sees you as less-than? which is why you let them abuse or neglect your wife? becuz you can't control them and/or you're used to it? **You don't deserve it either, you may if you keep allowing them to insult, neglect, abuse your wife, but you still have a chance to do the right thing. You're here asking, and EVERYONE is telling you, sir. Now grow a set and straighten out your family. You should NOT go to her wedding until/unless you both receive acknowledgments (not about the donation, but about their resentment of your wife, and disrespect of you both). GET GOING, THE VOTE IS UNANIMOUS.**
INFO: what did she say in the conversation about your wife not being a bridesmaid? What was the tone of it? How big is the bridal party, and who else is in it besides your SIL and sister?
She pulled my wife aside and said “you’re not a bridesmaid. I could have you make the table runners or centerpieces or something”. That’s exactly what she said.
There’s like 8 or 9 bridesmaids.
She doesn’t want the PERSON WHO SAVED HER LIFE standing up for her.
She wants free labor.
You are an asshole for not removing your wife from your mother’s orbit.
Your mother should never have unfettered access to your wife ever again.
Grow a spine.
She may be a good person but by reading the post, she cannot stand up for herself and that makes her pretty vulnerable to people like your own mother! You also act as if you cannot do anything because your spouse is "good".
There are many stories of wives divorcing because their husbands never protected them from their toxic in-laws. Please don't head this way and start communicating with your wife about firm boundaries and how you both should act as a team. You're in partnership with each others.
You love your mother and your wife, that's OK. However love is not about letting people do everything they want with no consequence.
You let your mother bullies your wife. You let your wife be a complete "people pleaser". You let yourself so passive for years. These are not OK.
You are three adults who should have handled these issues way sooner!
Even if it is very painful and hard, take appropriate solutions to your cruel mother's behavior. She doesn't respect your wife and takes you for granted. May I suggest you to not go to her wedding?
Because if you do, you will subject your wife to your family's mistreatment. Instead of having a good time, she will get glares and will hear people talk against her back.
A wedding is a wonderful day but that's not worth when your wife, the love of your life, is going to be terribly hurt. She is a wonderful human being and you, as her husband, should treat her more better than that.
Agree. His mom needs to face the consequences of her actions. OP keeps going on about how she’s his mom and he loves her - he needs to grow a spine and tell her that if she doesn’t accept his wife, she doesn’t accept him because they are united as one.
NTA but what possessed your wife to donate to someone who hates her?
Yes, it was generous but if she/you thought that would change anything,
well, that was naive. Your wife should probably avoid your mother and just
get on with her life. Be happy together and don't (you or your wife) give your mother any
further opportunities to be unkind to your wife.
She donated to save my mom’s life. That was it. I had hoped my mom would recognize what a huge sacrifice it was and be warmed to her, but nope. Apparently she doesn’t owe my wife anything for saving her life. Too bad it can’t be taken back.
Your wife is a saint (as you know) and now you need to protect her and her feelings, guaranteed this is impacting her self worth. She's the kind of person that will keep trying, now is the time to enforce boundaries and go low contact to firewall your wife from them.
Focus that energy on building a support network for you and your wife outside of family. Worthy friends will see your wife's kindness, and chosen family is often better than real family
Best of luck
and do you had the guts to tell your mother "Too bad it can’t be taken back. " If you have any backbone you tell your mother that you not only thing she is a bad pursen but that YOU would take back the liver for your wife if you could. and then go NC
If her behavior towards your wife hadn't change after the donation, then it was never going to. Your wife gave life to someone that wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire.
Your mom probably thinks she has you so manipulated around her little finger that she can treat your wife like shit and still get a liver from her. You guys literally showed her that you will do anything for her no matter how she treats you. So where is the motivation for her to change her actions?
The question is why you keep putting your wife in a position to be rejected and demeaned over and over.
I get that you love your mother. Love her with once-a-year phone calls then, and occasional visits while your wife is doing something far more productive with her own time than visiting your mean, ungrateful mother.
That was the plan. I’m trying to book tickets for a weekend away. It’s going to be annoying dealing with my family but as they say I don’t owe anyone anything
Not only should you not go to the wedding, but you need to cut ALL contact with your mom.
My mom tried to pull this crap early on in my relationship with my wife. I made it abundantly clear that any future relationship with me or my kids was dependent on how she treated my wife. After I cut her off for the better part of a year, she softened up.
While my wife and mom never became friends, their relationship did improve.
Exactly! See my reply above yours! People like this always pick the person that wants to be liked to bully. Once my MIL realized she'd be sitting all by herself while our family and my extended family carried on with our events, she all of the sudden wanted to be there.
100%. I have the same MIL as your wife. My wife has, since day 1, been 100% on my team. If it had been any other way I would not have gotten married. Your wife has to work on not caring because bullies always pick the nicest, weakest person. You have to step up, take your wife away for the weekend and set a rock solid boundary with the rest of your family. Also, I am the polar opposite of your wife, I have given my MIL not a single inch. And you know, she moved on to other victims, because I'm not one. Don't want to go to our wedding, fine. Don't want to come to the East Coast reception my family put on, fine. She came to #2 when she realized that no one cared and she would get zero attention because - everyone was at my parents' house.
I mean, good for the goose, good for the gander.
If your mom doesn’t owe anyone jack shit, regardless of how much they’ve sacrificed for her, then neither do you. And I would point that out to anyone who complains or tries to use “but she *raised you*!” as justification for her entitlement.
Spouse before family. That’s how that’s supposed to go.
Anybody that disagrees is cut out.
Be explicitly clear that you are making that decision. None of that henpecked bs. If that’s suggested they should get cut off too.
Your wife deserves for you to take the lead. Her sense of familial love is experiencing a death by tiny cuts.
Protect your wife by cutting mom off. Hard cut off, not low contact, no contact until well after the wedding.
Let mom pay consequences for a lifetime of being cruel to the people who are clearly on her side and in her family. Per you, there are a lot of them out there.
Edit to correct spelling
You should take the decision into your own hands and tell your mother you won't be at the wedding or any other family events unless they treat your wife with the respect and love she shows them.If they dont listen don't go and make it
Clear its your decision.Look after your wife she sounds like a wonderful lady.
YOU shouldn’t go to the wedding. Step up and support your wife who did all she could to make your mom like her. It honestly doesn’t seem like you’re 100% on your wife’s side.
No. Trying to get her to agree to you not going, will get twisted in 'my son wasn't allowed to go by his wife'.
Make your own decision, and defend it.
"I, and I alone, made the decision to not attend your wedding because of the way you continuously behave towards my wife. I will not celebrate your marriage to your partner, while you keep disrespecting mine."
NTA. You're nicer than I would be. I'd be thinking aloud about how much better life would be if my wife wasn't a match. I'd also make certain everyone at that wedding knows just how mommy dearest snubbed the woman who SAVED HER LIFE. Public shaming is the only way to deal with these kind of people.
As someone who has to deal with a difficult family member people rush to defend no matter how awful they're being... cutting them off has vastly improved my life. Sure some people have tried to say things, but I have made it very clear if they try to bring up or defend this person they're cut off as well. The more you stick to your guns, the easier it gets. You and your wife should do something special together and skip the wedding altogether. (Much as I'd love to see her day ruined by calling her out.) You both deserve your peace.
This 100%. Wanting to be liked is wife's only fault, but with people like MIL, they view that as weakness and feel free to attack. Which, by the way is literally one of the grossest qualities in a person.
You are "missing stair"-ing your mother, and so it the rest of your family.
Your mother is like a missing stair in a staircas you don't have the tools to fix. At first the stair (your mom) was hard to miss, and you or someone else got would get hurt from time to time because of it, so you just started jumping over the stair (tuning her out). You've now done it for so long that jumping the stair is natural and just the way you do things, he'll at this point you don't even think about how odd, it is or fixing it, you give it no thought at all. But when other people use the staircase they notice, so you try to teach them how to use the staircase, but it doesn't always work.
You need to really really really at not just your relationship with your mother but with those around you and how they both treat you and your mother. None of this healthy. Ultimately you are still rewarding your mother for her absolutely atrocious behaviour, you are still giving her attention and you are still allowing her access to her victim.
And make n no mistake about it, your wife is her victim and she is getting off on it. There is no other explanation as to why she would pull your wife aside to directly tell her she is not going to be in the wedding. She wanted to see your wife hurt. And you are allowing it. You are allowing your wife to be hurt by subjecting her to this monster.
You need to break off all ties with your mother. You need to put your wife first. You are enabling a bully giving her unlimited access to her prey. You need to stop this whole bullshit.
I've never heard this analogy of the missing stair but it's so dead on. My husband is eternally annoyed by my mom's usually negative commentary and I'm always like "just ignore her", but you're right, I've been jumping over that missing stair for most of my life.
If it really is 'beyond the pale', then why have you been this passive towards your mom? Why did it have to even come down to this 'go or don't go to her wedding' moment?
NTA.
But here’s my take. Your wife saving your mother’s life made their relationship worse.
Your mom hates that it was your wife that saved her and is directing that hate to your wife
Sadly it seems your mom doesn’t want to like your wife.
Don’t know if you want kids but if you do you’ll have to have clear boundaries with your mom. Based on her behavior I wouldn’t out it pass her to treat your kids differently because they’re also your wife’s kids
Tell your family to jump off the nearest cliff. Your mother is TA - and seems to enjoy playing the part. Choose your wife....do not tolerate your family demeaning her in any way....cut off contact with mother if she persists...and don't go to the wedding. Tell your wife 'no more body parts for mom'...
NTA - Tell the other family members that it is your mother who is the awful person here and not you or your wife. Accept the fact, though hard as it is, that your wife cannot go or be in the wedding, that is just the spite talking from her to your wife. You not change that, you and your wife have literally done everything to change your mom where your wife is concerned and it just isn't happening. So stop trying to change your mom or family in this. Just go NC with all of them as you are getting nowhere with the lot of them. Tell them and your mom that is their loss for treating such a selfless and kind person your wife is and just move on. It will be tough, it is sad but you can't do anything else because you will support your wife forever and that's it. And then just do it. Anything else is just a waste of time.
From one living liver donor (myself) to another (your wife), she did something incredible and selfless. It's not an easy feat in any way shape or form. She is an amazing woman, please cherish her ❤️
I know you love your mom, but ask yourself: would you tolerate this kind of behaviour towards your wife if the person treating her as such wasn't your mother? Would you speak to them? Would you give them access to her, just for them to treat her so dang poorly? If that's a no, you need to go LC or NC with your mom. People don't get a free arsehole pass just because they're blood.
Thank you for donating your liver too!! You saved a life.
I wouldn’t. The only reason is that she’s my mom and it’s not even a good reason. I wish sometimes that my wife wanted to go NC because it would make the decision easy but for some reason she doesn’t want to cut off my family too. Maybe it’s because she loves us despite how we are or maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to be the person who estranged me from my family, which it wouldn’t be, it’s my mom’s fault.
Why can’t my mom be kind to my wife? Everyone else can.
You need to make the decision. By your own admission, your wife is too nice. She doesn't want you to lose contact with your family. You need to lay out everything your mother has done wrong to your wife. If it has to be social media, so be it.
Then slam the door shut on your mom. You're NTA. But you need to step up and stop the bleeding. You need to put an end to anyone making excuses. Shame them all publicly if necessary.
Your mom and my mom sound eerily similar, and she's the one that got my liver lol. Her behaviour up to the surgery was atrocious; she was my first and only bully, caused my eating disorder, and kicked me out of the house at 18. She also has PSC (assuming thats why your mom's liver had cirrhosis) and that leads to ammonia on the brain. I was told her behaviour from diagnosis to the surgery was the blame on the ammonia.
Things didn't get better after the surgery. She was mean, addicted to pain pills, and wasn't taking care of herself. All the ammonia was cleared from her system, but she was still a huge arsehole like your mom. I had to give her an ultimatum: either be a better person, or we're out of your life. It took her 8mos of no contact to smarten her shit up. Maybe your mom needs to know just how seriously you're taking her bullying of your wife. You need to be prepared for a clean break if she doesn't clean her act up. Some people just aren't capable of a huge change like that. As much as your wife doesn't want your family cut from your life, it's your decision at the end of the day.
OP, I'm so sorry you and your wife are struggling with your mom. I hope you can find some peace (with or without her in your life), because your wife deserves some peace.
Your wife hasn’t asked to go no contact because she is a saint and does not want to impose that on you. You, for once, should support your wife and propose it to her. She might say yes, she might say no, but don’t put the burden on her.
This is an excellent point. If it was anyone else besides mother/family, would OP tolerate the person's behavior or cut them off entirely? Mom deserves to be cut off from OP and his wife. Wife deserves so much better.
NTA, Doesn't sound like you are henpecked at all, you are just a caring husband who sees when his wife is hurt. Sadly, you have a cruel mother and some of your family members are right there with her. There are people who like to have a whipping boy or girl in the family, someone to talk about behind their backs. This is a miserable way to be, and you and your wife aren't like them, so take her out of this—go NC or LC with your mother and anyone who defends her, and make your own life together. If you have children you do not want them to grow up thinking that cruelty to a family member is acceptable, and especially not to watch that play out against their own mother.
NTA - Your mom is a selfish stupid cow and tell your family members to screw themself!
Your wife seems like a great person and I hope she never loses her sunny spirit. But please, break off contact with your mom, she doesn't deserve either of you.
So NTA and your mother is a bad person. whether she likes your wife or not doesnt matter. You chose her and she is your family. If she chooses to act cold, ignore her or make her unwelcome then that is insulting both her and you. You come as a pair now. I know it’s more difficult with family because they always try and play the guilt card and how grateful you should be to have them but you don’t pick them. You chose your wife. If someone tried the same with my Wife, related or not, they are trying it with me. Don’t invite her then I’m not invited either. Insult her you insult me etc.
You did the right thing and I wouldn’t attend the wedding either. Even if she did relent. Shes made it clear she doesn’t want you there.
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Your mother is ungrateful and spiteful. Build a life together with your wife. To hell with going to your mom’s wedding. If it means going LC or DC with your family then do it for your sake and for your wife.
You are NTA!! I’m not sure how close you are with your mom, but if she were mine, I’d cut contact and go on with my life. She sounds narcissistic and enjoys bullying your wife. She clearly enjoys the power she has and doesn’t care whose feelings she hurts. Your mom didn’t turn down the liver now did she? So she also used your wife. As for the rest of your family, seems the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. You chose your wife. As for your wife donating part of her liver, tells you all you need to know who the better person is!
Oh man… my wife flew to New Orleans to represent my mom’s legal interests…
My mom has yet to thank her. I’m still pretty mad about it.
NTA
I wouldn’t go to the wedding. Stop enabling your mom bullying your wife.
NTA, I would go and make a speech at the wedding since I am petty, Mom, I am so happy that you got to live to this day because my wife saved your life though you constantly demean and belittle her. This is last thing you will hear from us, have a good life you mean, rude AH!
NTA
I'm usually of the opinion of "your wedding your rules" but your Mom is totally out of line here. You're right to point out she'd be dead without your wife and that she should feel terrible about her actions
YTA!!! why? For even still keeping contact with your mom after your wife literally SAVED HER LIFE...and you still allow her to treat your wife badly. Don't you date go to that wedding.
>My wife is a little silly and has a childlike sense of wonder
Not so fast. What does this mean? What are examples of your wife being silly and childlike?
She loves dad jokes and puns. She’ll also drop a SpongeBob reference or two. She’ll do things like have a picnic by a lake and bring bubbles. She loves stickers. She’s easily awed by nature mostly.
Your Mom is the asshole in this story, and if she doesn’t like your wife, she would absolutely hate my guts.
I’m a professional woman who has held down senior leadership positions in delicate, high-stress environments. I have never had a problem garnering respect from staff, peers, or leaders above me. You know what I credit a lot of my success to? Keeping a sense of joy and whimsy in my life, and using it to lift the spirits of others. A job is only as enjoyable as the support we get and give to those around us. People who hate their job duties will stay at a company if they feel supported. People who love their job duties will leave if they don’t. A little laughter goes a long way in making up for the downsides.
There is a time and place for silliness and mirth. If your mother doesn’t understand or appreciate that, then she needs to spend some time examining the contents of her heart, instead of worrying about the joy your wife carries inside of hers. How very sad that, instead of taking pleasure from the happiness of life, she takes her joy from finding ways to quash it in others.
This sounds like me at times. Some people don't like those that enjoy being silly and feel that acting "your age" means you have to wear specific clothes, like specific things and aren't supposed to enjoy anything kids also enjoy.
If this is how your mother is and there wasn't anything else between the two then show support to your wife and ask if she would like you to stay home from the wedding. If asked just reply by saying you were supporting your wife.
Be careful of using the liver donation as a reason for a relationship. It is amazing that your wife is willing and able to donate to someone who treats her poorly. I'm not that good of a person. However, while your mother should at least thank her and show civility, arguing anything on the basis of organ donation can make your wife look manipulative or exploitative. Not because she is but because it sounds like that is what your family would say. Protect her from that by not mentioning it in this context.
This does not mean you cannot remind your mother of how to be civil and your family that they are attacking someone who has done nothing to them (as far as is listed)...
Wait. Your wife wasn't excluded from the wedding. She just wasn't a bridesmaid. It was really good of her to donate a liver, but that really doesn't mean she now is entitled to stuff.
Sure, your mom was nasty explicitly telling her she wouldn't be a bridesmaid. I have to ask: did she do this out of the blue or after you or your wife had asked her about it?
About your wife's desire to be close with your mom, she needs to let it go. She's only frustrating things. Eg.:
> My wife does things to be helpful and supportive
Unsolicited help/support/advice can be annoying as heck. Especially when the relationship is already strained. She needs to stop trying to help/support your mother, unless asked. (And your mom might ask in the future, once she realizes your wife isn't doing it without being asked anymore). Just let her be civil and stop trying so hard. Thinks may just grow naturally. Or not, and the two of will need to accept that. But trying too hard is counterproductive.
NTA, I hope I'm not overstepping when I say this OP, but your family sounds kinda mine. Mine are narcissistic AHs. Protect your wife. If they don't see an issue in your mom's behavior, they too are the problem. Setting boundaries now for her and yourself can be the best thing for you both.
NTA. You rightly stood up for your wife, WHO GAVE YOUR MOM PART OF HER LIVER, and your mom needs to know how her actions are hurting the both of you (not just your wife but also you by seeing her be excluded from the family like this). It IS cruel to go out of her way to tell her that she's excluding her from the wedding party, I'd want to ask your mom's reason why (not that there would probably be a good one) to see her thought process. But honestly, I don't care if you're my parent or not, you have to treat people like people and she's actively neglecting your wife and does not gaf.
Your wife can be a saint and there will still be people who don’t like Saint. You can say she should be grateful blah blah. People like your mom don’t care even if the organ comes from god. You can’t force her to like/invite someone she doesn’t like. She doesn’t like your wife. End of story. Stop pushing and better to stop it. ESH
NTA. You should stand up for your wife.
However....
Your wife needs to accept that your mom doesn't like her, and you may need to help her realize it. Then she can stop trying to gain acceptance from someone who won't give it.
The reality is this: No matter what positive traits someone has there will always be someone that doesn't because they will see the positive trait as a negative trait.
If they're generous someone will see it as them being a showoff. If they're the energetic and friendly type someone else will say they're fake, and nobody can possibly be that happy. I could go on, but I think you get the point.
This in some form is what your wife is dealing with.
NTA. It's time to skip the wedding completely and go LC/NC. If your mother can't even be civil, let alone nice, to your wife after all this, she's not someone you should subject your wife or potential kids to in the future.
NTA DELETE these people out of your lives. They are awful. Your wife is a kind woman. Protect her from them. NC NC NC they don't deserve a second of your time
I don't understand why not being included in the bridal party is the sticking point here. No one is entitled to be a bridesmaid.
You should have been standing up for your wife against all the other disrespect and meanness that your mom gave her before this. YTA for letting it get to this point and not picking the right battles.
NTA.
Is there some adverse psychological response that makes people that receive organ transplants from friends and family hate them? Seems like your mom is unfortunately not the only one.
NTA. So I get that maybe your mom just doesn’t mesh with your wife. Some people you just don’t click with - but you can at least be decent to the person who literally saved your life. Your mom is evil imo for that.
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NTA - So your wife saved your mother, who is consistently awful to your wife and the family don't see that she is consistently awful to your wife? WTF????
They see it, they just don’t see it as a problem. To them, a bad mil/dil relationship is par for the course and my wife is entitled for wanting my mom to show a little kindness.
Respectfully you and your wife need to take the lesson - this is not a good person. She bullied your wife and took advantage of her lifesaving gift. It is astounding to me that you keep rewarding your mother with your ongoing presence and affection while she mistreats your wife.
I’m not rewarding her with affection. I am furious at my mother for humiliating my wife.
I mean, I assume based on your post that you maintain a relationship with your mother during years of her mistreatment towards your wife, correct? So that's quite a bit of affection she got in return for her bad behavior, many years worth. Good deal for her. Do you plan to attend the wedding if your wife is excluded?
OP seems to be in the FOG.
In what world would you be awful to a person that just saved your life by donating a part of their body? The Mother is a TA
This is the world in which her son won't go NC over her awful treatment of his wife. The world in which her son thinks telling Mommy off every once in a while is an adequate response.
This. Dump the whole lot of them. Your wife is "entitled" for wanting a pleasant relationship? Just no.
And NOT just a DIL. DIL WHO SAVED YOUR LIFE. She had surgery and pain and all the new restrictions on her partial liver for this woman. If that doesn't deserve some courtesy than what the hell does?
Seriously. That woman gave up a part of her body in a major surgery and took pretty significant risk so MIL could survive. That is about as selfless as one can get. MIL is awful.
I’d ask for my liver back
It’s the saying: no good deed goes unpunished. Wife should take her lesson and never go close to this person ever again, even if she desperately needs another body part, like a kidney or something. And I hope Op backs his wife up and wasn’t one who pestered his wife for a good relationship to begin with. If saving the mother’s life wasn’t enough, nothing ever will.
At this point I almost feel worse for OP than his wife with a family like that. Then again I imagine he wasn't treated nearly as badly as his wife.
Then it’s your responsibility to protect your wife from your mother’s actions, even if that means you may not have a relationship with your mother anymore. There should never be a scenario again where your wife will have to put up with her.
I'd ask mom for the liver back.
No one is implying you shower your mom with hugs and kisses and I love you mummy. The fact you still have relationship with her enables her to treat your wife like this. My paternal grandma is nuts. She’s hardworking but consider her a trumper in Canada. She has demeaned my mother her entire life with my dad. You know what my dad does? He says, Ma you can’t do that. That’s not fair that’s not nice. You know when he tells her this? When he goes over to pick up bread she made for him, when he goes to help paint her garage, when he goes by for literally any reason. And the fact he keeps going, keeps answering calls, keeps communication lines open, is the reason she continues to do this 35+ years later. That despite her treatment of my mother she gets her son still. Whether he’s grumpy or scolds her, or seems sad doesn’t matter. Her son is still in her life and that’s all that matters. And the optics look like, if he had to choose his mother or wife he would choose his mother bc that is essentially what putting up with bullying is. If you were on a playground getting bullied by a kid and you had the choice to not interact with that kid, you likely would, you would never want to continue communication with them. Most people would cut them off. But for the sake of your mother as your birth giver and child raiser , she’s getting an exemption. Though based on your explanation of your wife and how full of grace she is, I feel like if you were to go NC with your mom, she might object. She seems like the type of person who would want (despite her being the target for all these shots) that you still maintain a relationship with your mom because it’s “the right thing to do” which it isn’t.
🥇🥇🥇🥇
Op's wife is some kind of Saint. She deserves so much better. She deserves all the love and affection in the world.
It is time to remove yourselves from your mother’s life. Go NC, and when your mother sends her flying monkeys after you remind them that your mother is so wretchedly ungrateful that she excluded the woman who saved her life from her wedding.
And their whole explanation of "ahh, it's no big deal. A MIL/DIL relationship is always bad." Really? So then why is OP's brother's wife a bridesmaid? Don't they also have one of those "MIL/DIL" relationships? The MIL/DIL myth of always being bad is bullshit. My mom ADORED my wife and treated her like a blood daughter. But if she treated her like OP's mom does? I would cut her off completely. In a heartbeat. My wife knows I've always got her back. Just shaking a finger at his mom saying "no, no, no. Naughty, naughty" but still having a relationship to allow her to use his wife as a punching bag shows his mom that she never has to change. Not sure why OP would even want a relationship with her. She's sounds horrific. A shit human being.
So why reward her with your presence? I’d skip the wedding and take your wife somewhere nice. They’re not entitled to your presence or presents.
Attend the wedding without your wife and give a speech in front of everyone praising your wife who was not invited for saving your mother’s life
Petty. I like it! It won't actually fix anything mind, but sometimes petty is all you can have.
Dude, this is way more of a no contact situation than half the shit posted here. If your family wont treat your with with basic decency and respect, if not kindness, then why do you keep subjecting her to them?
Fr. Even I agree and I'm of the few voices around here preaching reconciliation. But if you literally give someone your liver and they still treat you like crap, it's past time for NC.
You say this, and yet you still put your wife through this day after day. What does "furious" mean? Your wife went through potentially life-threatening surgery to save your mother's life and your mother is still being cruel, and right now all you have to show your support is that you're upset and you criticized your mom one time. You should be following through with actions. You won't be attending your mom's wedding if your wife is not invited, and you should be considering if you want to attend at all. You should be going at least low-contact with your mom until and unless your mom changes her attitude. You should be getting in front of this and actually doing something about it. Or, you know, be "furious" and let your wife suffer I guess.
You are by not putting your foot down w her! My hubby had to go NC w his mom after years of her being mean to me and our girls.
Bro, I'm sorry but your mother is ungrateful disgusting trash...
Why did you allow your mother to behave this way for years unchecked? And what do you plan to do going forward? Are you still going to her wedding? Will you still call and speak with her periodically? Have dinners? Where's the consequences?
Your wife is a saint, OP. Keep these toxic assholes as far away from her as you can. # THEY DO NOT DESERVE HER!!!
Good, militantly defend her against all of them. Put them in their place. And don't lift a damn finger for mother dearest going forward.. Your fantastic siblings can help out. SHE is your family now, the others need to decide whether or not they want to be a part of it.
so pick your *wife* over your trash mother to prove you will not stand up for it. I fucking wish my ex grew a spine when it came his mom. I was *always* second in that family, for 10 years. show your mom you're done with her bullshit once and for all by going no contact, forever.
You're rewarding her by continuing to maintain a relationship with her. If you're truly furious at her, show it by ending communication with her -- completely.
I mean...are you going to the wedding? Cause if you are then she's just getting what she wants and once again has no consequences for her behavior. To be blunt, your wife should've let her die. Donating part of her liver means her risking her life and long term health. She could still have long term issues from that and your mother continues to disrespect her very blatantly. Anything short of no contact is not enough Grow a spine
Why are you even bothering to have a relationship with ANY of these people considering how they’re treating your wife… After she saved your mothers LIFE….
Sounds like you and you wife should just skip the wedding entirely. It would be a good opportunity for you to treat you wife to a nice vacation...NTA...
BUT YOU **ARE** REWARDING HER WITH YOUR PRESENCE.
You're rewarding her by keeping any contact at all! Have some respect for you wife and cut your family off. You don't need them. They suck.
You need to go no contact.
If you really back up your wife as you say, then take your wife on a trip on the day of the wedding. Why would you support this clear humiliation?
And now it's time to make changes to how you treat your mother that make that clear. You've tolerated the behavior for all these previous years, which "rewarded" her with your continued relationship and affection *despite* her shitty and disrespectful behavior. This isn't blaming you, but it is saying it's beyond time to change your approach to this. ❤️🩹 (And we get it. A lot of us have that mom, too.)
Your wife is a Saint for helping a woman who has abused her emotionally and mentally for years. As a husband, you never should have let your wife give her liver to her bully, to her emotional abuser. Your wife is amazing foe even agreeing. You need to cut your mom and family off. What your mother is doing is t ok. It's time to be done with your mother and her family. Your wife shouldn't be subjected to bullying and abuse just because that's how things are. Plenty of women are close to their mils.
My husband would have done everything he could to prevent me from doing something like this if his mother treated me this way.
I agree with this. She shouldn't have even been allowed to be tested.
Sounds toxic and like its time to cut that off.
You don't just have one but a family of AHs. Don't go to the wedding and make it clear that if your mom is going to behave badly towards your wife you will go NC
at this point, I'd just go NC. life is to short to willingly deal with people like this
They don't see it as a problem because it doesn't affect them.
It's time to show your family what a bad mother/son relationship is and stick up for your poor wife.
Um, please don't go to the wedding. Boycott it. Stand up for your wife. You have done a good thing. You stood up for your wife, who you love. Make this your line in the sand and say "no more." She saved her life, went through surgery for her, pain for her, and she won't even make her a token bridesmaid? Be done with it.
I hope I’m not the only person to point out, it’s massively dissonant for your family to say a bad MIL/DIL relationship is par for the course when presumably she has at least a cordial relationship with your SIL to make her a bridesmaid. I sincerely hope your brother isn’t one of the people scolding you. You’re NTA, but man is your family full of them. Your mother has a right to choose, but she has no right to be outright cruel.
She’s not close with my SIL either which is also annoying.
Face it - your wife is the appointed family 'scapegoat'. Shut that $ h I t down.
If this is the case why is the other DiL in the wedding party?
How would they feel if your wife refusedntondonatenher liver because a bad mil/dil relationship is par for the course and called your mom entitled for wanting a literal piece of her body? Something tells me they are only okay with shittiness if it's one sided.
Show some kindness to your lovely wife and go no contact. NTA
What the hell is wrong with your family? Geez Louise, they all need to go.
My MIL was like this until my husband stood up to her and took the side of me and our girls and went NC years ago.
If I were the wife, I'd ask for my liver back.
He is the AH for not protecting his wife against his bullying family, and my gosh, his loving, caring wife gave part of her liver to save that witch of a mother, to then have his family continue to bully and emotionally abuse his wife....what does say about OP? Will he find it acceptable in the future if/when they have children, that if said children are treated the same way they treat his poor wife that it will be OK because it's his mom, his siblings, etc???? What does that say about him as a husband? What does that say about him as a MAN? I would never stay married to a man who allowed his family to treat me this way, especially after saving the life of his mother! They should treat her with loving respect for the rest of their lives. If not for the loving gift of part of his wife's liver, his mother probably wouldn't be alive today to get married. Fine, she doesn't want DIL to be in the wedding party, but seriously, did she have to be so disrespectful about it? OP is definitely the AH for allowing this type of bullying and emotional abuse towards his wife, and I say allow because he has yet to put a stop to it. In essence, by not stopping it to date means he's actually condoning this despicable behavior. Treating mom like a 2 yr old isn't stopping it. Saying to mom, "that's not nice" is what one might say to a 2 yr old to try to change bad behavior not a grown woman. I can forsee the time in the future when his lovely wife finally says enough is enough and this guy ends up divorced and wondering what happened. I got lucky and hit the lottery in the in-laws department. I love all my in-laws and they love me. I am widowed yet still have an excellent relationship with my in-laws. Botton line, this guy needs to grow a spine and start protecting his wife before it's too late. He needs to cut off all contact with his bullying, abusive family until they can learn some respect and common decency.
Exactly. He is the AH, but not for the reason he’s asking about.
Why the actual fuck would you let your wife donate part of her liver to a woman who can’t stand her??? Like if my mother was horrible to my husband there’s no way in hell I’d be shipping him off to the hospital to help her
My wife is literally the kindest person I know. She volunteered to do it. As much as I don’t like right now, she’s my mom and I love her. I don’t agree with people in the chat saying my mom owes my wife nothing. She saved my mom’s life. And my wife is an exceptionally healthy person who takes care of her body. My mom couldn’t have asked for a better liver donor.
[удалено]
Sounds like his mother would have been more grateful to a stranger. That's really sad and cruel. On his entire family, not just the mother, and he's not helping by telling his mother that he won't put up with her behavior any longer.
I agree. OP needs to grow a spine and stand up to his mother.
OP needs a transplant of a spine because damn his never grew That should be the last time his family ever hears from him again.
OP you're so problematic! I hope your wife sees how she's being taken advantage of by you. You're saying nice things about your wife but you're not at all looking out for her well being. YTA for being a poor husband.
Someone like her will give and give until they have nothing left. She needs protection. She needs a husband who fills her up, not just with words.
>She needs a husband who fills her up Oh my >not just with words. Go on...
Then why are you even questioning if you are the AH? It’s so clearly your mother even before you mentioned the liver. I don’t understand how you could have allowed it to get to this point because it seems like this disrespect has been going on for a long time. You are the AH for not protecting your wife from your mother’s relentless disgusting behavior.
He’s kinda TA for allowing it to get this far. Never should have let his wife even get tested
>I don’t agree with people in the chat saying my mom owes my wife nothing. Your mom owes your wife respect, but not because of the liver. Because your wife is a human being, and deserves to be treated with respect just because of that. >She saved my mom’s life. And I doubt she did it for thanks. The donation wasn’t transactional. If you tell your mom that she “owes” something to your wife because of the donation, you’ll end up poisoning the altruistic actions of your wife. No one can live with the thought that they “owe” something to the person who saved their life, because there is literally no way to pay someone back for that. If you decide to save someone’s life, you can’t do it with the expectation that you’ll get something in return. That’s… gross.
Taking someone's gift of life and shitting on them is gross. When my husband and I were dating, I was home sick with what I thought was the flu. He came over, saw me, called 911 and told me I was going to the hospital in his truck or in an ambulance. I fought for a bit because...flu bug doesn't need an ER. He took me, I was septic, if he hadn't forced me I would have died. 100%. I am so grateful to him for saving my life. I owe him that because I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. Best guy ever.
But she treats that donor like garbage. **AND YOU LET HER.** Why is your wife not your priority? Don't bother trying to say that she is, because your actions prove she's not. If she was, you wouldn't have a relationship with your mom or any of the other relatives who shit on your wife for wanting her MIL to show her some basic respect. The real problem here is...YOU.
You’ve said you’re not rewarding your mom, but what are you actually doing about this treatment? Besides telling her she’s an awful person.
What do you love about your mom? She doesn't seem to be a nice person worth loving. On the other hand your wife sounds like a remarkable person worth loving. I think you need to choose who is worthy of your love. If your mom loved you she would respect your choice of life partner, she does not.
> My wife is literally the kindest person I know. SO DEFEND HER
YTA for not shielding your wife from your mom/family. You can be mad at your mom but you still have a connection with her after all that. Tell me, are you gonna attend the wedding? :)
Your mother is allowed to dislike your wife and not have a close relationship with her. And your wife’s persistence in trying to strengthen their relationship likely did the opposite. However, your mother is being deliberately cruel and mean to your wife. That’s not acceptable. You should not enable or allow that behavior to continue. Whatever you are doing isn’t improving the situation. By maintaining the current relationship you have with your mother, you are enabling your wife to continue to be hurt. I’d recommend helping your wife to understand that even though *she* is a wonderful person, your mother will never appreciate her. Perhaps your wife is a people pleaser? You may want to suggest therapy because, ideally, your wife should be able to see that your mother is unworthy of her attention and effort. As for your relationship with your mother, you need to make it clear that you will not accept her nastiness towards your wife and enforce consequences. Your mother does not have to make your wife a bridesmaid. What she does have to do is treat her kindly and with respect. She failed to do that. What consequences will you enforce? If you take your wife to the wedding, she will likely be unhappy & feel rejected. If you attend alone, your mother wins and her bad behavior is rewarded. So, don’t go. Tell your mother that she used her wedding & bridesmaid choice as a tool to hurt your wife. As a result, you both are skipping. You may consider some criteria that would change your mind but if you have to go as far as not going to the wedding to make your point - do it.
You need to grow up and realize your mom is unimaginably cruel to a person who literally saved her life. You need therapy if you’re still willing to talk to your mother after treating your partner like that.
you really should be boycotting this wedding and determining if you want a relationship with someone like this. i wouldn’t.
How can you love someone who is cruel to the person you chose to spend your life with and put above all others? Thats just stupid tbh. Love is not owed to your mother, but you chose your wife so it is owed to her and how you love her is by protecting her from people who get off on hurting her, even if it is your mom.
For real! His wife is too kind. I’d ask for my liver back! 😅
Me too 😂 wife needs to grow a back bone and stop being too kind because obviously by the sounds of it she is being walked over
She really does! Hopefully this is a turning point.
his wife is a truly kind person. she has a backbone. what she needs is a pair of glasses. so she can see her MIL is a rotten petty witch, who obv gave birth to a spineless son, who lucked out in the wife dept.
There is no "let your wife". Wife is a grown-up, and she can make her own choices. She chose to be kind. She doesn't need OP's permission to do so.
NTA, what an ungrateful AH your mother is. Why in hell give someone like that a liver?
Because my wife is a good person.
She really, really is. But you can't get blood from a stone, even if you give them a friggin' piece of one of your organs. Wife needs to find a way to release her (now toxic) hope of having a relationship with MIL, and I hope you can help her move on to forge good relationships with people deserving of her kindness. I hope she recovered well from her surgery. 💜
But you, OP, are not. Your wife does not have a MIL problem—your wife has a husband problem. It’s long past time for you to step up and take action.
She is. But both you and her need to learn how to not let people take advantage of you or disrespect you. Good job for starting to see it now.
Too good for a person like you from the sounds of it.
I think there might be a touch more. I’m not putting ANY blame on your wife, but I also think that her efforts to please your mom is becoming a real issue. A) first and foremost, your mom doesn’t like it and doesn’t like your wife. Be she an asshole or not, that’s a pretty firm boundary about the kind of relationship she is willing to have. B) your wife undergoing major surgery to donate a fucking organ to someone who treats her so poorly is beyond “good” and “nice.” You guys have every right and reason to drop the rope with your mom. Your mom has every right to decide who to spend her time with, provided she also accepts the consequences of souring her relationship with you and your wife. Your mom’s rejection of the relationship your wife hoped for is not an indictment of your wife. I would seriously, seriously recommend therapy for you guys. Donating part of her liver is an *extreme* way to try and create a better relationship with someone. This is complicated and messy and I don’t think I can reasonably vote. I don’t think your wife is TA, I think there’s more going on and this situation just isn’t that simple.
Even good people get tired of being abused, which is what your mother is doing! Do you even like your wife? I only ask because you allow your mother to treat her like absolute garbage!
if you truly believe that your wife is a good person, why aren't you doing something about your mother/family's bad treatment of her. You DO understand that its their lack of respect and consideration for YOU and YOUR feelings that's causing this issue to continue, right? Your mother is not a good person, which is why she dislikes your wife so much. Meanness resents kindness. Hate recoils from love. Darkness avoids the light. >She may be a good mother *in your opinion*, but that doesn't make her a good human being. She has no moral compass, she took the gift of extending her life from your wife and didn't care about either of you to at least curb her cruelty (the talk about not being in her wedding, and good luck to THAT guy). **Make no mistake, your mother's treatment of your wife is a direct reflection of her feelings for you, and your weak af family takes their cues from her.** Since you WON'T make her accountable for the wife you say you think is so great, maybe you'll do it for yourself. Do you already know your family sees you as less-than? which is why you let them abuse or neglect your wife? becuz you can't control them and/or you're used to it? **You don't deserve it either, you may if you keep allowing them to insult, neglect, abuse your wife, but you still have a chance to do the right thing. You're here asking, and EVERYONE is telling you, sir. Now grow a set and straighten out your family. You should NOT go to her wedding until/unless you both receive acknowledgments (not about the donation, but about their resentment of your wife, and disrespect of you both). GET GOING, THE VOTE IS UNANIMOUS.**
INFO: what did she say in the conversation about your wife not being a bridesmaid? What was the tone of it? How big is the bridal party, and who else is in it besides your SIL and sister?
She pulled my wife aside and said “you’re not a bridesmaid. I could have you make the table runners or centerpieces or something”. That’s exactly what she said. There’s like 8 or 9 bridesmaids.
She doesn’t want the PERSON WHO SAVED HER LIFE standing up for her. She wants free labor. You are an asshole for not removing your wife from your mother’s orbit. Your mother should never have unfettered access to your wife ever again. Grow a spine.
She may be a good person but by reading the post, she cannot stand up for herself and that makes her pretty vulnerable to people like your own mother! You also act as if you cannot do anything because your spouse is "good". There are many stories of wives divorcing because their husbands never protected them from their toxic in-laws. Please don't head this way and start communicating with your wife about firm boundaries and how you both should act as a team. You're in partnership with each others. You love your mother and your wife, that's OK. However love is not about letting people do everything they want with no consequence. You let your mother bullies your wife. You let your wife be a complete "people pleaser". You let yourself so passive for years. These are not OK. You are three adults who should have handled these issues way sooner! Even if it is very painful and hard, take appropriate solutions to your cruel mother's behavior. She doesn't respect your wife and takes you for granted. May I suggest you to not go to her wedding? Because if you do, you will subject your wife to your family's mistreatment. Instead of having a good time, she will get glares and will hear people talk against her back. A wedding is a wonderful day but that's not worth when your wife, the love of your life, is going to be terribly hurt. She is a wonderful human being and you, as her husband, should treat her more better than that.
Both you and your wife need to read The Giving Tree and realize it’s not a how to guide but a cautionary tale.
She should take her liver back
NTA now but YWBTA if you attended the wedding.
Agree. His mom needs to face the consequences of her actions. OP keeps going on about how she’s his mom and he loves her - he needs to grow a spine and tell her that if she doesn’t accept his wife, she doesn’t accept him because they are united as one.
Has your mom always been a mean person?
NTA but what possessed your wife to donate to someone who hates her? Yes, it was generous but if she/you thought that would change anything, well, that was naive. Your wife should probably avoid your mother and just get on with her life. Be happy together and don't (you or your wife) give your mother any further opportunities to be unkind to your wife.
She donated to save my mom’s life. That was it. I had hoped my mom would recognize what a huge sacrifice it was and be warmed to her, but nope. Apparently she doesn’t owe my wife anything for saving her life. Too bad it can’t be taken back.
Your wife is a saint (as you know) and now you need to protect her and her feelings, guaranteed this is impacting her self worth. She's the kind of person that will keep trying, now is the time to enforce boundaries and go low contact to firewall your wife from them. Focus that energy on building a support network for you and your wife outside of family. Worthy friends will see your wife's kindness, and chosen family is often better than real family Best of luck
and do you had the guts to tell your mother "Too bad it can’t be taken back. " If you have any backbone you tell your mother that you not only thing she is a bad pursen but that YOU would take back the liver for your wife if you could. and then go NC
Your wife is an angel. You are very lucky. Cherish her.
What a waste of life Edit: I mean the mom. Since she’s using her life ( that was saved by OP’s wife) to keep being a mean person
If her behavior towards your wife hadn't change after the donation, then it was never going to. Your wife gave life to someone that wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire.
Your mom probably thinks she has you so manipulated around her little finger that she can treat your wife like shit and still get a liver from her. You guys literally showed her that you will do anything for her no matter how she treats you. So where is the motivation for her to change her actions?
The question is why you keep putting your wife in a position to be rejected and demeaned over and over. I get that you love your mother. Love her with once-a-year phone calls then, and occasional visits while your wife is doing something far more productive with her own time than visiting your mean, ungrateful mother.
INFO: Are you going to the wedding?
My wife doesn’t want to make a fuss or be rude, but I’m trying to get her to agree to not come to the wedding.
Don’t go. Instead take your lovely wife on a trip away. Spoil and cherish her.
That was the plan. I’m trying to book tickets for a weekend away. It’s going to be annoying dealing with my family but as they say I don’t owe anyone anything
Not only should you not go to the wedding, but you need to cut ALL contact with your mom. My mom tried to pull this crap early on in my relationship with my wife. I made it abundantly clear that any future relationship with me or my kids was dependent on how she treated my wife. After I cut her off for the better part of a year, she softened up. While my wife and mom never became friends, their relationship did improve.
Exactly! See my reply above yours! People like this always pick the person that wants to be liked to bully. Once my MIL realized she'd be sitting all by herself while our family and my extended family carried on with our events, she all of the sudden wanted to be there.
100%. I have the same MIL as your wife. My wife has, since day 1, been 100% on my team. If it had been any other way I would not have gotten married. Your wife has to work on not caring because bullies always pick the nicest, weakest person. You have to step up, take your wife away for the weekend and set a rock solid boundary with the rest of your family. Also, I am the polar opposite of your wife, I have given my MIL not a single inch. And you know, she moved on to other victims, because I'm not one. Don't want to go to our wedding, fine. Don't want to come to the East Coast reception my family put on, fine. She came to #2 when she realized that no one cared and she would get zero attention because - everyone was at my parents' house.
I mean, good for the goose, good for the gander. If your mom doesn’t owe anyone jack shit, regardless of how much they’ve sacrificed for her, then neither do you. And I would point that out to anyone who complains or tries to use “but she *raised you*!” as justification for her entitlement.
Spouse before family. That’s how that’s supposed to go. Anybody that disagrees is cut out. Be explicitly clear that you are making that decision. None of that henpecked bs. If that’s suggested they should get cut off too. Your wife deserves for you to take the lead. Her sense of familial love is experiencing a death by tiny cuts. Protect your wife by cutting mom off. Hard cut off, not low contact, no contact until well after the wedding. Let mom pay consequences for a lifetime of being cruel to the people who are clearly on her side and in her family. Per you, there are a lot of them out there.
Edit to correct spelling You should take the decision into your own hands and tell your mother you won't be at the wedding or any other family events unless they treat your wife with the respect and love she shows them.If they dont listen don't go and make it Clear its your decision.Look after your wife she sounds like a wonderful lady.
You are being far too passive and weak here. Why the hell would you want to go celebrate someone who uses and abuses your partner?
Neither of you should be at that wedding. Stand by your wife and go NC with your ungrateful mother.
You (as in you, OP) obviously can't go to your horrible mother's wedding! WTF?
So you are going, choosing your mother over your wife?
You need to skip the wedding.
YOU shouldn’t go to the wedding. Step up and support your wife who did all she could to make your mom like her. It honestly doesn’t seem like you’re 100% on your wife’s side.
No. Trying to get her to agree to you not going, will get twisted in 'my son wasn't allowed to go by his wife'. Make your own decision, and defend it. "I, and I alone, made the decision to not attend your wedding because of the way you continuously behave towards my wife. I will not celebrate your marriage to your partner, while you keep disrespecting mine."
What a wimpy stance! Stand up for your wife! She’s worth more than all of you put together!
NTA. You're nicer than I would be. I'd be thinking aloud about how much better life would be if my wife wasn't a match. I'd also make certain everyone at that wedding knows just how mommy dearest snubbed the woman who SAVED HER LIFE. Public shaming is the only way to deal with these kind of people.
I wish my wife wasn’t a match, honestly. To save someone’s life and have them be like this is beyond the pale.
As someone who has to deal with a difficult family member people rush to defend no matter how awful they're being... cutting them off has vastly improved my life. Sure some people have tried to say things, but I have made it very clear if they try to bring up or defend this person they're cut off as well. The more you stick to your guns, the easier it gets. You and your wife should do something special together and skip the wedding altogether. (Much as I'd love to see her day ruined by calling her out.) You both deserve your peace.
This 100%. Wanting to be liked is wife's only fault, but with people like MIL, they view that as weakness and feel free to attack. Which, by the way is literally one of the grossest qualities in a person.
You know your mother did you really think this would change anything?
I thought maybe it would. My mother complains a lot and we all kind of tune her out. I thought she would be kinder.
You are "missing stair"-ing your mother, and so it the rest of your family. Your mother is like a missing stair in a staircas you don't have the tools to fix. At first the stair (your mom) was hard to miss, and you or someone else got would get hurt from time to time because of it, so you just started jumping over the stair (tuning her out). You've now done it for so long that jumping the stair is natural and just the way you do things, he'll at this point you don't even think about how odd, it is or fixing it, you give it no thought at all. But when other people use the staircase they notice, so you try to teach them how to use the staircase, but it doesn't always work. You need to really really really at not just your relationship with your mother but with those around you and how they both treat you and your mother. None of this healthy. Ultimately you are still rewarding your mother for her absolutely atrocious behaviour, you are still giving her attention and you are still allowing her access to her victim. And make n no mistake about it, your wife is her victim and she is getting off on it. There is no other explanation as to why she would pull your wife aside to directly tell her she is not going to be in the wedding. She wanted to see your wife hurt. And you are allowing it. You are allowing your wife to be hurt by subjecting her to this monster. You need to break off all ties with your mother. You need to put your wife first. You are enabling a bully giving her unlimited access to her prey. You need to stop this whole bullshit.
I've never heard this analogy of the missing stair but it's so dead on. My husband is eternally annoyed by my mom's usually negative commentary and I'm always like "just ignore her", but you're right, I've been jumping over that missing stair for most of my life.
If it really is 'beyond the pale', then why have you been this passive towards your mom? Why did it have to even come down to this 'go or don't go to her wedding' moment?
NTA. But here’s my take. Your wife saving your mother’s life made their relationship worse. Your mom hates that it was your wife that saved her and is directing that hate to your wife
You might be right.
Sadly it seems your mom doesn’t want to like your wife. Don’t know if you want kids but if you do you’ll have to have clear boundaries with your mom. Based on her behavior I wouldn’t out it pass her to treat your kids differently because they’re also your wife’s kids
This should really be higher.
Tell your family to jump off the nearest cliff. Your mother is TA - and seems to enjoy playing the part. Choose your wife....do not tolerate your family demeaning her in any way....cut off contact with mother if she persists...and don't go to the wedding. Tell your wife 'no more body parts for mom'...
INFO: Why do you have someone in your life who treats your wife so horribly?
This. Go no contact with your mother.
NTA - Tell the other family members that it is your mother who is the awful person here and not you or your wife. Accept the fact, though hard as it is, that your wife cannot go or be in the wedding, that is just the spite talking from her to your wife. You not change that, you and your wife have literally done everything to change your mom where your wife is concerned and it just isn't happening. So stop trying to change your mom or family in this. Just go NC with all of them as you are getting nowhere with the lot of them. Tell them and your mom that is their loss for treating such a selfless and kind person your wife is and just move on. It will be tough, it is sad but you can't do anything else because you will support your wife forever and that's it. And then just do it. Anything else is just a waste of time.
From one living liver donor (myself) to another (your wife), she did something incredible and selfless. It's not an easy feat in any way shape or form. She is an amazing woman, please cherish her ❤️ I know you love your mom, but ask yourself: would you tolerate this kind of behaviour towards your wife if the person treating her as such wasn't your mother? Would you speak to them? Would you give them access to her, just for them to treat her so dang poorly? If that's a no, you need to go LC or NC with your mom. People don't get a free arsehole pass just because they're blood.
Thank you for donating your liver too!! You saved a life. I wouldn’t. The only reason is that she’s my mom and it’s not even a good reason. I wish sometimes that my wife wanted to go NC because it would make the decision easy but for some reason she doesn’t want to cut off my family too. Maybe it’s because she loves us despite how we are or maybe it’s because she doesn’t want to be the person who estranged me from my family, which it wouldn’t be, it’s my mom’s fault. Why can’t my mom be kind to my wife? Everyone else can.
You need to make the decision. By your own admission, your wife is too nice. She doesn't want you to lose contact with your family. You need to lay out everything your mother has done wrong to your wife. If it has to be social media, so be it. Then slam the door shut on your mom. You're NTA. But you need to step up and stop the bleeding. You need to put an end to anyone making excuses. Shame them all publicly if necessary.
Your mom and my mom sound eerily similar, and she's the one that got my liver lol. Her behaviour up to the surgery was atrocious; she was my first and only bully, caused my eating disorder, and kicked me out of the house at 18. She also has PSC (assuming thats why your mom's liver had cirrhosis) and that leads to ammonia on the brain. I was told her behaviour from diagnosis to the surgery was the blame on the ammonia. Things didn't get better after the surgery. She was mean, addicted to pain pills, and wasn't taking care of herself. All the ammonia was cleared from her system, but she was still a huge arsehole like your mom. I had to give her an ultimatum: either be a better person, or we're out of your life. It took her 8mos of no contact to smarten her shit up. Maybe your mom needs to know just how seriously you're taking her bullying of your wife. You need to be prepared for a clean break if she doesn't clean her act up. Some people just aren't capable of a huge change like that. As much as your wife doesn't want your family cut from your life, it's your decision at the end of the day. OP, I'm so sorry you and your wife are struggling with your mom. I hope you can find some peace (with or without her in your life), because your wife deserves some peace.
Your wife hasn’t asked to go no contact because she is a saint and does not want to impose that on you. You, for once, should support your wife and propose it to her. She might say yes, she might say no, but don’t put the burden on her.
it's your mom so you need to make the decision and she will follow.
This is an excellent point. If it was anyone else besides mother/family, would OP tolerate the person's behavior or cut them off entirely? Mom deserves to be cut off from OP and his wife. Wife deserves so much better.
NTA, Doesn't sound like you are henpecked at all, you are just a caring husband who sees when his wife is hurt. Sadly, you have a cruel mother and some of your family members are right there with her. There are people who like to have a whipping boy or girl in the family, someone to talk about behind their backs. This is a miserable way to be, and you and your wife aren't like them, so take her out of this—go NC or LC with your mother and anyone who defends her, and make your own life together. If you have children you do not want them to grow up thinking that cruelty to a family member is acceptable, and especially not to watch that play out against their own mother.
I m surprise you still have a wife.
NTA - Your mom is a selfish stupid cow and tell your family members to screw themself! Your wife seems like a great person and I hope she never loses her sunny spirit. But please, break off contact with your mom, she doesn't deserve either of you.
So NTA and your mother is a bad person. whether she likes your wife or not doesnt matter. You chose her and she is your family. If she chooses to act cold, ignore her or make her unwelcome then that is insulting both her and you. You come as a pair now. I know it’s more difficult with family because they always try and play the guilt card and how grateful you should be to have them but you don’t pick them. You chose your wife. If someone tried the same with my Wife, related or not, they are trying it with me. Don’t invite her then I’m not invited either. Insult her you insult me etc. You did the right thing and I wouldn’t attend the wedding either. Even if she did relent. Shes made it clear she doesn’t want you there.
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Your mother is ungrateful and spiteful. Build a life together with your wife. To hell with going to your mom’s wedding. If it means going LC or DC with your family then do it for your sake and for your wife.
Don’t go to that wedding.
[удалено]
Sheesh. NTA but I definitely wish someone kinder had gotten a free liver chunk
You are NTA!! I’m not sure how close you are with your mom, but if she were mine, I’d cut contact and go on with my life. She sounds narcissistic and enjoys bullying your wife. She clearly enjoys the power she has and doesn’t care whose feelings she hurts. Your mom didn’t turn down the liver now did she? So she also used your wife. As for the rest of your family, seems the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. You chose your wife. As for your wife donating part of her liver, tells you all you need to know who the better person is!
Oh man… my wife flew to New Orleans to represent my mom’s legal interests… My mom has yet to thank her. I’m still pretty mad about it. NTA I wouldn’t go to the wedding. Stop enabling your mom bullying your wife.
NTA, I would go and make a speech at the wedding since I am petty, Mom, I am so happy that you got to live to this day because my wife saved your life though you constantly demean and belittle her. This is last thing you will hear from us, have a good life you mean, rude AH!
When are you going to learn that your mom hates your wife? Stop going to the hardware store for milk and start hanging around people who love you.
NTA I'm usually of the opinion of "your wedding your rules" but your Mom is totally out of line here. You're right to point out she'd be dead without your wife and that she should feel terrible about her actions
YTA!!! why? For even still keeping contact with your mom after your wife literally SAVED HER LIFE...and you still allow her to treat your wife badly. Don't you date go to that wedding.
>My wife is a little silly and has a childlike sense of wonder Not so fast. What does this mean? What are examples of your wife being silly and childlike?
She loves dad jokes and puns. She’ll also drop a SpongeBob reference or two. She’ll do things like have a picnic by a lake and bring bubbles. She loves stickers. She’s easily awed by nature mostly.
Your Mom is the asshole in this story, and if she doesn’t like your wife, she would absolutely hate my guts. I’m a professional woman who has held down senior leadership positions in delicate, high-stress environments. I have never had a problem garnering respect from staff, peers, or leaders above me. You know what I credit a lot of my success to? Keeping a sense of joy and whimsy in my life, and using it to lift the spirits of others. A job is only as enjoyable as the support we get and give to those around us. People who hate their job duties will stay at a company if they feel supported. People who love their job duties will leave if they don’t. A little laughter goes a long way in making up for the downsides. There is a time and place for silliness and mirth. If your mother doesn’t understand or appreciate that, then she needs to spend some time examining the contents of her heart, instead of worrying about the joy your wife carries inside of hers. How very sad that, instead of taking pleasure from the happiness of life, she takes her joy from finding ways to quash it in others.
This!!!!! 🖤🖤🖤 This is how I am as well and the way you worded this is perfect.
This sounds like me at times. Some people don't like those that enjoy being silly and feel that acting "your age" means you have to wear specific clothes, like specific things and aren't supposed to enjoy anything kids also enjoy. If this is how your mother is and there wasn't anything else between the two then show support to your wife and ask if she would like you to stay home from the wedding. If asked just reply by saying you were supporting your wife. Be careful of using the liver donation as a reason for a relationship. It is amazing that your wife is willing and able to donate to someone who treats her poorly. I'm not that good of a person. However, while your mother should at least thank her and show civility, arguing anything on the basis of organ donation can make your wife look manipulative or exploitative. Not because she is but because it sounds like that is what your family would say. Protect her from that by not mentioning it in this context. This does not mean you cannot remind your mother of how to be civil and your family that they are attacking someone who has done nothing to them (as far as is listed)...
Time to go low contact. Enough is enough. Nta. Protect your wife, she loved you so much to even it's so bad.
If you love your wife, you should drop out of your mother's life until she can be a respectful mil
YTA cut the mom off why the back and forth
Wait. Your wife wasn't excluded from the wedding. She just wasn't a bridesmaid. It was really good of her to donate a liver, but that really doesn't mean she now is entitled to stuff. Sure, your mom was nasty explicitly telling her she wouldn't be a bridesmaid. I have to ask: did she do this out of the blue or after you or your wife had asked her about it? About your wife's desire to be close with your mom, she needs to let it go. She's only frustrating things. Eg.: > My wife does things to be helpful and supportive Unsolicited help/support/advice can be annoying as heck. Especially when the relationship is already strained. She needs to stop trying to help/support your mother, unless asked. (And your mom might ask in the future, once she realizes your wife isn't doing it without being asked anymore). Just let her be civil and stop trying so hard. Thinks may just grow naturally. Or not, and the two of will need to accept that. But trying too hard is counterproductive.
NTA, I hope I'm not overstepping when I say this OP, but your family sounds kinda mine. Mine are narcissistic AHs. Protect your wife. If they don't see an issue in your mom's behavior, they too are the problem. Setting boundaries now for her and yourself can be the best thing for you both.
Yeah probably. When I married into my wife’s family I noticed that my family are kind of selfish.
NTA. You rightly stood up for your wife, WHO GAVE YOUR MOM PART OF HER LIVER, and your mom needs to know how her actions are hurting the both of you (not just your wife but also you by seeing her be excluded from the family like this). It IS cruel to go out of her way to tell her that she's excluding her from the wedding party, I'd want to ask your mom's reason why (not that there would probably be a good one) to see her thought process. But honestly, I don't care if you're my parent or not, you have to treat people like people and she's actively neglecting your wife and does not gaf.
Your wife can be a saint and there will still be people who don’t like Saint. You can say she should be grateful blah blah. People like your mom don’t care even if the organ comes from god. You can’t force her to like/invite someone she doesn’t like. She doesn’t like your wife. End of story. Stop pushing and better to stop it. ESH
NTA. You should stand up for your wife. However.... Your wife needs to accept that your mom doesn't like her, and you may need to help her realize it. Then she can stop trying to gain acceptance from someone who won't give it. The reality is this: No matter what positive traits someone has there will always be someone that doesn't because they will see the positive trait as a negative trait. If they're generous someone will see it as them being a showoff. If they're the energetic and friendly type someone else will say they're fake, and nobody can possibly be that happy. I could go on, but I think you get the point. This in some form is what your wife is dealing with.
Shouldn’t have donated part of her organ to a person that is mean like your mother
NTA. It's time to skip the wedding completely and go LC/NC. If your mother can't even be civil, let alone nice, to your wife after all this, she's not someone you should subject your wife or potential kids to in the future.
NTA DELETE these people out of your lives. They are awful. Your wife is a kind woman. Protect her from them. NC NC NC they don't deserve a second of your time
This can't be real.
I'm sure it's from a k-drama. Perfect wife, MIL hates her even after she saved her life, hubby doesn't know which side to take.
Fake AF
I don't understand why not being included in the bridal party is the sticking point here. No one is entitled to be a bridesmaid. You should have been standing up for your wife against all the other disrespect and meanness that your mom gave her before this. YTA for letting it get to this point and not picking the right battles.
NTA. Is there some adverse psychological response that makes people that receive organ transplants from friends and family hate them? Seems like your mom is unfortunately not the only one.
NTA. So I get that maybe your mom just doesn’t mesh with your wife. Some people you just don’t click with - but you can at least be decent to the person who literally saved your life. Your mom is evil imo for that.