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YNTA >and that I can't let someone with a disability spend money on something that's free, even if she wants to. Yeah, that's patronizing bullshit. She's equating being neurodivergent with lacking capacity to make your own decisions. Autism is not the same as intellectual disability, and intellectual disability still doesn't mean you can't exchange money for services. Laundromats generally don't let people just "hang out" without doing laundry. She clearly is trying to compensate you for something that normally she would be charged to do. Even if you don't want to charge her, she's paying likely out of 1. Fairness and 2. Because she doesn't want to be treated like a child or charity case, and WANTS to pay her way. It may be coming from a place of 'good intentions', but it's literally discriminatory and one of the most frustrating situations people with disabilities face. I've known many people denied bank accounts, denied the ability to purchase things, and just treated like a child by "well intentioned" able people who just make life harder. If you feel bad, donate the money to disability advocacy. Don't treat this grown woman like a child.

Exactly!! NTA Years ago I started hanging out in bars with friends pretty regularly despite being sober. Got to know the (also long term sober) bartender. I'd go there maybe once a week or once every few weeks, but would buy no drinks. Maybe occasionally a basket of fries. He'd always give me unlimited Diet Cokes "on the house" while I hung out and enjoyed my friends and the vibe. Every other week on my way out I'd just slip him a $20, or I'd tip $25 on a $5 basket of fries. Like OP, he protested, but then of course accepted at my insistance because it was something that I wanted to do. I wanted to pay him for making my experience comfortable and enjoyable even if I wasn't a traditional customer. She wants to make it a mutually beneficial relationship and is demonstrating respect. OP's idea about donating the money to charity is lovely, and something I wouldn't have even thought of! I think it would be entirely appropriate for him to even just pocket the money, as it's a token of appreciation to him for running her safe space.

In college, I used to study at a coffee shop near my apartment. Was there at least 2 hours every Monday through Thursday. A few weeks in, I stopped getting charged for drinks. Like any drink. And my soy and extra espresso wasn't cheap. The first few times it happened I'd go back to order another drink about an hour in thinking I could leave a tip and pay for an item, but nope. Every time i tried to pay every worker left the register area and my second drink would be free too. I ended up just leaving $10 tips every time I ordered a drink. They never told me why I got free drinks or who else they did this for. It was the most confusing sober experience of my college life. OP, NTA. If giving you money makes her feel better about being there, take it. Donate it or don't. Your call.

Is your name Martha, by chance?

Nope! But happy to hear there are others like me 😂

I think it's a Baby reindeer reference

I have zero idea what baby reindeer is, but since this is reddit I'm afraid to Google it 😬

ASD is not necessarily a disability, just as being short is not necessarily a disability. Of course, this depends on the extent and suite of manifestations. Welcome her. She is receiving a service - like an auditory massage - and wants to express her autonomy by paying. I think she is also helping you by being there, as an active business location is safer and more appealing to other customers. 

A diagnosis of ASD requires the traits to cause “significant impairment”. That’s a disability by definition. We all have different levels and types of support we need but everyone on the spectrum needs some sort of support. We’re all disabled.

Further to that, I would be hard-pressed to find an autistic person who doesn't consider themselves disabled. I personally don't consider that I am less capable than anyone else, but I realize that society was built to exclude me (either accidentally or, more likely, intentionally), and I suffer because of it. THAT, to me, is the nature of my disability.

I think it’s worth making a distinction between the legal and social/personal definitions of “disability.” So yes, anyone with an autism diagnosis may be legally considered disabled and qualify for accommodations under the ADA. But many people on the spectrum don’t self-identify as disabled; they see themselves as having brains that are specialized in different ways than neurotypical brains. In such a case, a person might say that accommodations are required because society is designed for neurotypical people and needs to adapt when it encounters a neurodiverse person, not because there is some fundamental deficit in ability. I think there are pluses and minuses to that take, personally. But it’s a valid take that plenty of people prefer.

Autism is a disability that manifests differently in different people. There is no litmus test for “are you autistic enough to be disabled.” In the U.S., autistic people are covered by the ADA.

It sure as hell qualifies as a disability to the national park service. Free lifetime pass to all national parks.

... might be a reason to actually deal with the diagnosis process.

I had no idea this was a thing! I can’t wait to tell my kiddo, he’s going to be thrilled. Thanks for spreading the good word on this!

Immediately googled the details I'm guessing? It's a hell of a benefit for anyone with something that qualifies as a major disability.

Yep, I did. It’s a great program. My kiddo has autism & adhd so he definitely qualifies. He also loves nature so it’s going to really make his day when I tell him tomorrow.

We picked our son's up at the gate. Completely free. He happily signed his card. I'm not sure if it's easy everywhere but there were zero hoops to jump through for us.

That’s awesome, I’m so happy they do stuff like this for special needs kiddos. Our area does access programs at local zoos and museums too, it’s great to have a giant list of places to go for weekend fun without breaking the bank.

It’s also for adults!  In case anyone is reading this and qualifies, if you or your child receive ebt benefits there is a program called Museums for All.  It works at local aquariums and zoos as well as major (and majorly expensive) museums. Tickets are between free and $3 per person.  The person is allowed between 3 and 6 guests depending on the museum. They set their own prices and terms.  Some notable ones included are The Chicago Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, Cooperstown, and Williamsburg Historic Site. All of those are at least thirty bucks a pop per adult normally. 

It’s funny you mention that. My dad couldn’t hear what the National Park guy was saying at Zion and I guess the guy was asking if he had a disability so they gave him a free pass. He was very confused and tried to pay but the guy wouldn’t accept the money. Little do they know his only disability is being a piece of work but you commenting this reminded me of when that happened. He can’t hear very well but isn’t deaf but I think that’s what the guy assumed his disability was since he couldn’t hear what was going on.

Being short and being autistic affect my life completely differently. I’ve never lost a job over my height. This is the stupidest most ignorant shit I’ve ever seen. Autism is absolutely a disability. You need to talk less if you are gonna say absolutely incorrect information.

Autism is a disability. Having a disability doesn’t automatically mean you can’t be trusted to spend your own money.

And short is absolutely not a disability unless it’s caused by something that actually is a disability

Nope. As a person with level 1 ASD and very low support needs, It is 100% a disability. The "not a disability" thing is bullshit. I am disabled, that doesn't mean I'm not capable of lots of things. But i still am.

It is inherently a disability medically. You are thinking purely of the legal definition I would guess.

Well, I think they're considering it etymologically-- "dis-" meaning not, so "disabled" meaning "not able to do things." Most tasks, I am roughly as "able" to do as neurotypicals, so I think the commenter would say because of that, I'm not "disabled." What they're failing to take into account is that the sum total of all of the tasks I need to do in a day, and my sensory day in the world, is incapacitating to me. It ableist to not see the forest for the trees in this way.

Yes! This! Exactly! One of the biggest problems my sister and I are facing right now is that our mother thinks my sister being Autistic means she can't make smart decisions with her disability money and won't let her spend it on *anything*. Won't even tell her how much it is so she can plan a budget. But my sister isn't reckless or stupid, she's just Autistic. OP's wife has a very harmful mindset about Autistic people, and she needs to do some serious thinking.

Once there's enough money, you could buy a nice chair for her to sit in. It could be her chair.

I'm guilty of the same sort of crime as oop wife. When I first started working at a bar I decided to get a manager to serve a person with down syndrome as I wasn't sure if they were "allowed" to drink. I'm way less ignorant now.

She may even just be more comfortable with the transactional nature of paying (a fairly small amount) for the service/benefit she is getting from hanging out in the laundromat. A transaction of money for goods and services is cut and dried, with no obligation being incurred on either side. Being allowed to sit and benefit from the laundromat’s atmosphere without paying may feel less comfortable to her because it implies that she is getting something for nothing and may be incurring unspoken social obligations.

This is the perfect response! Let me add this suggestion to OP: if the woman did NOT have ASD, would you have accepted her money (for services rendered, or for "rent" of your property)? If so, then you must keep the money. Spend it, use it to buy supplies for your business, give it to charity -- whatever. But don't disrespect her by treating her as anything other than a woman capable of making her own choices. Decades ago, my best friend and I were campaigning for a particular presidential candidate. The folks at the campaign headquarters sent us to skid row to chat up the residdents and pass out fliers. A homeless man offered us one dollar as a campaign donation. He was so proud to be in a position to help. At first, my friend and I were horrified. The homeless man clearly needed the money more than our campaign did. Then I saw the proud look on the man's face. He was needed! By a presidential candidate! We took the money and thanked him for his donation. I have never regretted that decision. He gave us a dollar; we gave him respect. It was a pretty good deal all around.

Exactly! Autistic or not, the woman is an adult and can make her own damn decisions. Not taking her money because she's "disabled" is condescending and infantilizing. The most respectful thing OP can do it keep doing exactly what he's doing.  

As someone with autisum BIG agree

As a disabled person… this. 100%.

If you make it an issue or refuse to take her money, she will not feel free to come back, thus denying her this one place she can experience peace

Also, I think part of the wife's attitude is that disabled people don't have money. Like, I earn above the average income in my area. I have autism, two degrees, and a professional designation. And there are lots of autistic folks like me.

What an excellent response. I agree completely and you said it much better than I ever could. NTA.

NTA. As an autistic person, I would do the same thing as her if I wanted to hang out at a business regularly without buying anything, especially if there are amenities like limited seating or wifi or restrooms. It's $5, not like she's giving you an excessive amount of money. Your wife can talk to her if she really wants, but it's much kinder to just let the woman sit there and accept her tips. Arguing about it will definitely just distress her. Confrontations like that are extremely stressful for most autistic people, even if the person is trying to be nice.

Exactly. If It was someplace that helped soothe me and i felt I needed to pay and you wouldn't accept, in mind I couldn't come back. I wouldn't want to take advantage or be a burden. So taking the small amount of money is likely helpful.

$5 is basically the upcharge on a beer or a fancier coffee drink. People will buy a single beer just to slowly sip in a bar while reading a book or doing work on a laptop. Same with coffee. It makes them feel comfortable being in the space because now they're customers. This is basically what this girl was doing- giving 5 bucks so she was a customer because she liked the atmosphere. OP- Could you consider making something available for purchase so she actually gets something tangible out of it? Bottled water, soda, iced tea, iced coffee, pretzels, candy, whatever? She has something she's able to "buy" and you and your wife feel less odd about taking the money? Bonus is maybe other people buy this stuff too.

This is a great idea. It could be as simple as bottled water or soda in a minifridge under the counter.

It could also just be seen as selling the 'experience' of just being there, but I understand your last point

Personally it would also make me feel like less of nuisance being there if I'm paying to be there. She's using the wifi and electricity and restrooms if they have them. I know for me I would feel better about using all of that if I was paying a little bit for it

As I was reading the post, I was thinking that this is roughly equivalent to hanging out in a coffee shop for a few hours. $5 is the min you would spend in a coffee shop, so this customer has saved herself some calories and budgeted the same amount of money lol

Nta, you are treating her like a paying customer and that's all she wants. She's happy to just sit and listen to the machines and she's clearly not causing any problems. What I would do with the money though if you don't donate it to charity, is save it up and buy her a nice and comfy chair to sit in. Make it her spot in the laundromat to sit.

Actually, buying a comfy chair for her, with the money she's been giving OP, sounds like a very nice idea. OP is definitely NTA

Awesome idea, maybe not the thing for her though. Some autistic people have sensory problems, if the chair happens to be covered in a fabric or something that feels (to her) terrible the it's kinda just wasted money. Not to mention the feelings of guilt that could come up if she doesn't like the chair even though it was a nice gesture. I think ops plan of donating it to a helpful cause works great, she gets to pay like she wants, op gets to help a foundation doing good work, no money gets potentially wasted.

Yes! Lovely idea and nice gesture, but she would need to be involved otherwise it could end poorly and make both parties feel bad if she doesn't like it

Hmm, good thinking... Perhaps OP could ask her opinion on what kind of chair he should buy? And see if she'd like a weighted lap blanket or something too?

I would also like to note there’s no problem with OP keeping the money. She’s just a woman paying a business owner for use of their facility 🤷‍♀️

Awwww I love the idea of her own comfort chair for her ❤️

All I can picture is another patron of the laundromat eventually complaining that the woman not doing laundry gets the comfy chair

NTA. This woman insists on paying you. She doesn't want to feel like she's imposing or getting charity. Respect her enough to accept that she knows her own mind. Your wife needs to understand this too. If you want, why not talk to her and say you aren't sure you're comfortable taking her money as profit for your business, but you're happy to accept it and then direct it to a cause she wants to support. Let her think about it and come back with a charity if she'd like. But otherwise, don't add stress to her visits by arguing about the small amount of money she wants to pay to feel entitled to the service of being able to hang out there.

The minute you make her talk to you you’ve become less worthy of the money she’s given you to be able to sit there and be left alone.

NTA. I’m also autistic. It sounds as if she feels she is benefitting from being in your laundromat and she wants to compensate you. If she was sitting in a cafe for hours, she could pay them by buying drinks or food. She can’t do that if she’s not doing laundry. Taking her money lets her know that she does not owe you anything further and she has the peace of mind of knowing she’s not taking advantage of you. You’re not wronging her, you’re just treating her like a person.

She's coming to relax. Not accepting the money is distressing and would defeat the purpose for her. Just let her do her thing and take the money if she offers it.

Exactly this. I work with ASD clients on a daily basis. They are very particular about how they self-regulate themselves (whether they are level 1, 2 or 3). This lady is using the laundromat like another person might use a manicure or a massage to relax. The fact that she keeps coming could also indicate that she feels safe both physically and psycho-socially.

I think it's pretty cool you're not chasing her off for not using the machines. You tried not accepting it and she got mad right? I would just say something along the lines: You're welcome to sit as long as you want, no money required. When she hands you the money anyway politely resist once or twice. If she still insists i would just take it.

Please don't do this. Awkward social interactions and not understanding people's intentions is a huge issue for many autistic folk.  If I am giving you money and you refuse, it's a stressful social interaction. Say "Thank you for supporting my business.  Are the chairs comfortable enough?  I can invest in some amenities with these profits" or something you're comfortable with to make her feel welcome and not a bother. Autistic people are often made to feel like a bother and refusing money would make me feel patronized.   Opening up conversation to increase understanding and comfort would be awesome.

NTA  How demeaning, "my wife says that you lack the mental capacity to understand your actions."  Tell the wife that she can insult disabled people on her own without pushing you to do it for her.

PLEASE tell your wife she's already insulted disabled people and you will NOT continue to do it for her. This woman is a CUSTOMER, just not the type your wife is used to.

thats exactly what he should say to his wife. People like her piss me off

Considering she was willing to call her own husband a scumbag, I don't think she'll be very concerned.

NTA. She is autistic, not incompetent. She is using space at a private business, and her conscience tells her that she should pay for the space she’s using, akin to buying a beverage when you use a gas station’s bathroom. Your idea to donate the money is a good one.

NTA. The woman thought it was a fair trade. The sensory satisfaction of the washing machine at your place for $5. Wife can try to be in your shoes, and she might also end up accepting the $5 sessions.

NTA. she insists on giving you money, some pocket change essentially, and even tho you’ve tried to tell her she doesn’t need to and you genuinely don’t mind her being there and just sitting for a few hours, it feels better for her to give you the $5 than to not. your wife is way out of bounds for basically saying you’re stealing from a disabled/autistic person, when you’ve made it clear when you’ve tried to deny her $5 (because you’re genuinely a nice guy who doesn’t mind her chillin’ for a few hours) and she gets upset you won’t take her money. i’d tell your wife to kick rocks. i also agree with the other commentor saying if you can’t find somewhere to donate the pile of cash she’s given you, put it towards buying a comfy chair for her. all in all you’re a good person and a kind human being, NTA one bit.

I worked for a doctor, a woman came in for appointment and insisted she had to pay her $20 copay when she didn't have one, the receptionist was getting snippy, so I intervened, this poor woman had terrible OCD and anxiety and explained if she didn't pay it her day would be ruined. She paid it, I put it in an envelope and mailed it back to her...perhaps buy some snacks or drinks for the next time she comes in 🤷‍♀️

NTA, the money is probably an important component of your quasi-customer’s comfort in the experience. If she just comes and sits, there is the discomfort of freeloading (whether or not she actually is) and the feeling of not belonging. By paying, she has created a transactional relationship that lets her relax and enjoy the experience, knowing that what she is doing is okay. Trying to refuse or give the money back at this point would probably ruin the experience. Also, your wife seems to be unusually cruel in the way she talks to you about this. Is that normal for your relationship?

NAH My grandmother had a saying, "There are two things in life when handed to you,that you should never refuse. One is cash, and the other is a mint. " I like the other commenter's idea of using the money towards something that would make her visits with you more pleasant for her if you aren't comfortable keeping the gratuity for yourself. Do you have space for a comfortable chair? Even some plants, or $5 worth of flowers in your shop every week, might make everyone's day a bit brighter. You seem like kind, thoughtful people. If she couldn't afford the gratuity, she wouldn't offer it. Don't fight her on it, just say thank you. Let her know she is welcome, and you enjoy her company. (Give her your wifi password if you haven't already) You're wife is sweet to be protective, but it doesn't sound like this woman is incapable of making this decision for herself. I don't see it as taking advantage of her to accept the gratuity she is offering. She is trying to support your business, and it's a mutually beneficial relationship as far as I can tell from what you've written here. Nobody is an asshole in this post. What a nice change of pace.

That’s my new favorite saying. 

NTA - I can understand where the woman sitting in your laundromat is coming from. She seems to feel grateful that you provide her with a space to relax and have ASMR that smooths her. She feels she needs to give you something in gratitude. I find nothing wrong with that. I am a college student that is studying to be a psychologist. My most recent internship was working in a college that has a very large program specifically designed for students with ASD and ADHD and other neurodivergant traits to adjust to college and teach them about becoming an adult. I have a lot of time working with individuals with ASD. These young adults are \*smart\*. Some of them understand things that make my head hurt. They are not dumb. They are not gullible. They are just people that have challenges that most people don't have to deal with. Sometimes that is social situations, or executive functioning, or being over stimulated by noises or crowds or textures. They are not deficient, they are just different. Some need more support then other, it is a spectrum with various levels of functioning. However, without meeting her this woman sounds to be doing just fine. She has found a place that she can go to relax. She was able to thank you. Whether you think about it this way or not, you are providing her with a service. If her were to go to other public places, like coffee shops or a store, she would be expected to by something. I don't think her believing she should pay you is unusual. Her becoming agitated when you try to refuse her may be her feeling like she needs to and not being able to explain why. I think that your wife assuming she is being taken advantage of is a little rude. She seems to be assuming that this woman is incapable of making her own decisions. I don't think that ASD is a disability in the sense that people who have it cannot be trusted to think and act for themselves. I think that your original idea of finding a charity to donate the money to is a great thing to do if you feel uncomfortable keeping it. If you were to try to give the money back, it may make the women feel very uncomfortable and she may stop coming back. Then she would be missing out on a place that helped her to relax. As long as this woman looks she is eating well and has her needs being met (basically, that she is not homeless and desperately in need of money) I don't think there is any harm in her paying you.

NTA. She needs to feel like she's not just sitting there for free, she needs to pay to feel comfortable enough to spend time there. Maybe you can offer some coffee or water to kind of give something back?

NTA By allowing her to pay, as she wishes, you make her feel comfortable being there, consuming your (nonstandard) services and not feeling like she’s being a weirdo. Don’t worry about the money for now. You could even set a lower rate - put a sign up, offer water etc. Most of all you could connect, so when she comes she feels welcome and accepted/ a sense of belonging, if she seems open to that ?

He's letting her come in.... I don't see what more she'd be wanting, personally and some of the other stuff would seem like it runs counter to the 'destressing' goal

NTA, if the woman wants to pay $5 to visit your establishment, let her. Sounds fair to me.

NTA. Some people cannot have an ease of mind unless they pay back what they think is owned. Receiving her money is also helping her to feel comfortable and continue to come and relax in your shop without feeling bad, then why don't just let her be? If you are feeling bad, feel free to donate the money or buy her a comfy chair to sit in.

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NTA, but maybe offer her a job!

NTA! I have ASD, is she using your wifi? I would feel obligated to pay something too. She would have been seriously offended if you refuse the fiver. She does not want to be a burden, that's all.

NTA. She's offering compensation for a service rendered, namely a safe place that suits her sensory needs. I'm not seeing anything that makes it seem like you're taking advantage of her, and she is offering fair trade.

Some people go to spas, some go to spin class, some do art, some train spot; we all have our stress relievers and she likes laundromats and wants to pay for the privilege like any adult pays for their hobbies. You’re not taking advantage of her in any way. You’re treating her like a customer, which she is. NTA.

Maybe this person wants to pay not for the service, but the time spent there. It sounds like this person uses the time as a therapy of sort. Plus they may want to pay to feel normal. Not saying someone with autism isn't normal, but I know many can tell they are being treated differently and it's upsetting to them.

NTA. It'd be fairly normal for anyone else to offer, or even to insist, and she's clearly capable of going up there and paying (based on her insistence and persistence). Donating the money seems like a good use, and not taking it *just because of her autism* would be patronizing and infantilizing. Your missus seems to have good intentions, but really, you seem to be doing everything right imo.

i think your wife is missing the fact that this is an adult and one that very much wants their way (which is to give you $5). it's better to take the fiver than trigger a meltdown or something. be careful where you send your money, though. by that i mean don't send it to autism speaks, thank you. or maybe you could spend it on stuff to make the place cooler to sit in. i'm not sure what but yeah edit: i am also autistic and i really don't like people like your wife. they suck. i'm sure she's great to you but to us people like that are really aggravating

NTA She's autistic, not stupid. She understands what she's doing. And she's made it very clear that it is important to her that she pay you. I think your idea of donating the money sounds like an ethical solution.

NTA

NTA. Considering everything, I couldn't do anything differently. I'm dealing with a similar situation with a coworker, who is NOT autistic, who simply refuses to accept favors (rides home or to next job, not even out of my way) that I am totally willing to do for free. All things considered, it's a bigger insult to her to not respect her feelings about this. I'm not autistic at all, but if I go and use a place's facilities, I feel obligated to make a small purchase of some kind. In the end, autistic or not, I think it's about not feeling like a free-loader.

Nta. She wants to pay for something she’s getting to encourage you to let her keep doing what she’s doing. Unless you have a reason to assume she’s legally incompetent give her the respect of believing that she knows what she’s doing. It’s only $5. It’s a tip. Unless she looks like she’s going without food or something, I don’t see a problem with you keeping it. It’s a really thoughtful gesture to donate it though. You seem like a good person.

NTA. Your wife is infantilizing her.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I own and operate a laundromat. It's not the most glamorous job, but it keeps the lights on and gas in the tank, and should get my kids through college. One day, this young woman, she looked like in her mid twenties came in, no dirty clothes or laundry bag or anything, she just took a seat and pulled out her phone. Eventually, I went over to her and asked if everything was okay, if she was waiting for someone; I just wasn't sure why she was in the shop. She told me that she had ASD, and that she found the sounds of my washing machines very soothing, she just came in to relax and get away from some distressing stuff. Fine by me, and she stayed for a couple of hours, doing something on her phone, and I went back to work. When she got up to leave though, she insisted on paying me. I tried to tell her that she really didn't need to pay anything if she just wanted to sit in a chair and stick to herself, but she started getting agitated, and in the end it was easier to accept her $5 than argue with her. Well, she's been coming back about once a week or so, every week for a few months. And she keeps handing me fivers before she leaves. I've tried to tell her that she really doesn't need to, but she keeps getting mad when I try to dissuade her and eventually I've just given up. I've got a little pile of the things now, and earlier today I was looking up some sort of support group for autism to donate the money to when my wife found me researching. The Mrs. was furious. Said I was a scumbag and an asshole to take the money in the first place and the next time she came in I should give it all back, and that I can't let someone with a disability spend money on something that's free, even if she wants to. Maybe I should have fought harder over accepting the cash, but I also know it's not what this young woman wants. Still, was I the asshole for taking it? Am I still the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. you tried not to take the money, but she insisted and you were right to accept it under those circumstances. to keep refusing would obviously upset her so accepting it is the much kinder thing to do. the fact that you didn't spend any of it on yourself and are instead going to donate it further proves your lack of assholishness. you're not trying to take advantage of anyone or anything.

NTA. I love the idea of upgrading the seating for her. She's a bit like casual security too, people are less likely to do unhinged things with another person in the waiting area. Maybe you can offer her some casual hours (kind of joking, kind of not. She might be the idea person to pop in and see if the place is OK if you ever need it!)

If this were a coffee shop she would need to buy something in order to hang out for a couple hours. She probably is thinking that $5 is about the cost of a coffee. Maybe buy her a nicer chair to sit in with the extra money she is giving you.

NTA! I have autism but obviously everyone is different. Here’s my take. I’ve been in her shoes. Sometimes I really do just want to show someone how much I appreciate them for just letting me do my thing. I also see that she’s kind of “taking up space there.” It’s weird, and hard to describe, but I know she likely understands that she’s not obligated to pay and it’s more a sign of appreciation. And it’s her money to do with what she pleases! She isn’t there with a caregiver, she has access to that money on her own even if she does have other help with finances or anything else. It’s also like $5 a week. I know things are different for everyone, but it’s not a lot. My full speculation: It’s a “Tysm for leaving me alone with my happy machine sounds neurotypical person! I like that, please keep doing that.” Lmbo, lady could be a professor or a lawyer or something for all your wife knows! And that’s how she lets go of stress. The spectrum is wide and just because she appreciates a good machine hum doesn’t mean she’s less capable of anything. Please, kindly, ask your wife to give more recent autism information some more research. It’s quite an outdated opinion that’s coming through.

Your wife should mind her own business.

NTA. She's there to chill, $5 bucks doesn't break the bank. Let her do her thing

NTA. This is something she wants to do and insisted, and you don't know how NOT taking the money will affect her.

NTA. You’re doing a good thing by letting her hang out. And since she WANTS to pay you, you’re treating her as a ‘normal’ member of society by accepting her money as a ‘business transaction’. Do with it what you will. Donating it to a worthy cause is a lovely option. Also consider ‘donating’ to those who may not have the money to do more loads, buy detergent, or dry their clothes. Aside: I don’t go to laundromats now except while traveling. I went to one on a Sunday morning in Oakridge, TN while on a road trip, back in 2019. A man was in there, sitting at a counter, not doing laundry. The owner kindly asked him if he was living in his car (again), and allowed him to charge some necessary health equipment. He asked other questions, and pointed him (gently) toward resources available to him to lead a better life. I’m still impressed at the kindness the owner showed to this man. The owner also spoke to everyone at his laundromat that morning. He was doing more than running a business. He was caring for the less fortunate members of his community. I see you doing the same thing. ❤️ Carry on.

NTA. She's perfectly capable of making decisions, enjoys the comfort she finds in sitting in your business, and recognizes that it is a business and paying to tie up space is appropriate.

NTA - since the girl got the peace she needed to recharge her battery. It was worth five bucks to her. She’d spend more at a coffee place. If you truly feel bad but the girl a pop or water whenever she shows up, or donate it. Whatever floats your boat- your wife on the other hand that’s gonna be a fight and I’m sorry I see no way around it

NTA - I love it that you just let her be herself and don't need anything in return. I get her idea of paying for it as well, without paying it wouldn't feel right for her. Just go on like you guys do now and do with the money whatever you like, a donation sounds great! Try to explain to your wife why this is the best solution for all. Force it to not accept the money and the woman might feel like she can't go to her safe spot anymore.

NTA and your wife seriously needs to do some research on ASD.

Just take the damned money!

NTA- I love the idea of donating the money or doing something else nice with it. Maybe if it adds up enough, you could replace the chair with a more comfy chair (because imo laundry mat chairs usually suck). Or do something else nice for her. It sounds like she's found a nice and peaceful spot to rest. It's nice of you to allow it.

She feels better giving you a small amount of money, in exchange for feeling comfortable doing something she finds calming. Try not to worry about it.

Maybe tell her instead of money you’d prefer a coffee? She wants to pay for a service received

NTA, but perhaps next time you see her, before she tries to pay, you could ask if she has a favorite charity? Then you could suggest making donations instead of paying you, and you can donate what she's already given you as well. If she doesn't have a favorite organization, offer up one you like. Since her intention is to pay you for using your space, the payment can be in the form of a donation to a charity you support.

NTA - honestly it reminds me of one time I was at a baseball game with my parents (I was 17). It was unbearably hot (like 90°F). I went to a bar in the stadium and asked for an ice water. It was free, but I wanted to tip the bartender for the service. He handed me back the dollar, insisting that I didn't have to tip. I left the $1 under the empty cup of ice water when I left so he'd be forced to take it. I was undiagnosed ADHD at the time so nuerodivergent, but now that I'm treated, I don't regret that to this day. I had a dollar, he provided me a service I valued even though it was simple as it was (putting ice and water in a cup from a soda machine).   If you feel that guilty, which you shouldn't... You could always ask the women if you can do anything to make her 'visit' more pleasant, like would she like a snack or water or a soda. If she says yes, tell her that you will try to keep some on hand (if it's not too inconvenient for you, the $5 should more than pay for the cost, but of course you may not have the time or want to.) If she says no or you can't, then I think your idea to donate the money is wonderful.

NTA: If you want though, one good idea might be getting things like if she reads a lot of the magazines there then picking up more of the kind she likes or small things like that.

NTA at all. As others have said she values the experience and wants to pay. If the machines weren’t going she probably planned on putting that money in the machines. Not paying causes her distress. Next time she’s in you could ask if anything else would help make the experience better for her and let her know she is welcome to come anytime without paying.

NTA, if it would make you feel better use the $$ to buy a comfy chair for her to use when she’s there.

A friend of mine who worked at Footlockers had somebody that stayed in the store for a couple of hours to stare at ppl's feet. They kicked him out. Ynta

100% NTA. Your wife, however, sounds like a peach 😬 I love your idea of donating the money!

Maybe you could use the money to save up and buy her a small table and a comfy chair? A nice spot for her to unwind when she needs to

NTA. Let the Mrs. fight that fight if she wants to, otherwise you were doing the right thing.

NTA. The young lady recognizes that you are running a business, she's spending time in the business, she is getting a benefit from your business, and she's offering compensation for you being gracious enough to use your business as her refuge. The idea of you giving back to her community is very touching. Your missus, on the other hand, is actually being rather patronizing. The young lady knows fully what she's doing. By you accepting her offered compensation, you're recognizing her as a person, not just someone with a disability. My youngest daughter, age 41, is autistic. As her mom, I appreciate your treating this young lady the way you do.

Maybe the Mrs. needs to be there before she can make assessments on the situation instead of calling you names. You tried to decline, but the woman wouldn’t agree. The only AH is your wife. NTA

Go for the friend angle and tell her how much you enjoy the safety and comfort of having a second person with you. Explain that it is now just as uncomfortable for you to accept it as it is for her not to pay it and maybe y’all could come up with an acceptable donation together. Or she might not have any expenses and it just makes her feel good

NTA. If she’s still coming back maybe hold onto the cash and save up the money to get her a gift. That way she feels like she’s paid you, but then you use the money on her.

NTA Some people NEED to pay people what they think is fair to feel good, and will get upset and insulted if you refuse. 5 bucks is trivial and it makes the woman happy to not (perhaps) imagine she's a charity case. Your wife needs to lighten tf up. I mean, scumbag? Really? Does she kiss her momma with that mouth?

Don't do it. If you stop taking her money she will stop coming to your place. For her is a deal that justifies her presence: she sits there,she pays for service she gets. It's not your usual service,but it doesn't matter. This way she is a client,not a beggar. If your wife is not happy - offer to donate these 5 bucks for charity, but let that lady do her thing. She comes to your place to have some peace of mind, not to fight with you for 5 bucks. NTA

NtA Me and my partner are both autistic and we value small business immensely. We appreciate an opportunity to support places that add value to our lives. She doesnt know if your business is thriving or if you're struggling but she wants to show her appreciation. Your wife is the asshole for infantilizing this woman.

Info: what country are you in? Noticed you mentioned $ I've just never heard anyone American say fiver before

NTA. You were doing an act of kindness by accepting a token of appreciation. You give her a space that comforts her and she wants you to know she appreciates it and I’m thinking of you gave it back or wouldn’t accept it the you would actually be the asshole in that scenario. There’s a terrible feeling that consumes a person who wants to make a gesture and it goes unaccepted. Your wife should pipe down. lol

NTA But why not be honest with the person insisting on leaving you the money? "Hey, my wife found out I was taking money from someone who was just hanging out and got mad at me about it. I still have all theoney you've given me. To be honest I was planning on donating it to a good cause. Would you like to have the money back or do you have someplace you'd like to have it donated towards." I would leave out their disability; it really doesn't have anything to do with the money IMO.

NTA. If you want to donate it, I recommend Autism self-advocacy network (ASAN) it’s run by autistic to help us advocate for our own support.

NTA and I just wanted to add another perspective I haven't read here yet. I think the kindest thing you can do is to accept the money without fuss because it reassures her that you'll be ok with her returning, since you derive a little benefit from her quietly using the space. If you *don't* accept the money, she'll really feel as though as you could say "No" next time she returns if you're in a bad mood (I'm not saying you'd do that—bear with me here). Think of it slightly similar to a favorite local cafe. If that cafe cuts back its opening hours, stops serving your favorite meal or coffee, the quality of service or food drops or it just shuts down, that can be annoying through to plain distressing. Most of the time, we don't like change. And the things that we draw comfort from are the things we want to always be there and not to change. If you don't allow her to pay you, she'll really feel as though she's at the mercy of your charity and you could just say no next time. *So let her pay you.* You could quietly donate it to charity if you want—but if you do, I wouldn't even tell her. She's comfortable at your laundromat, otherwise she wouldn't keep returning. So as long as you're fine with her being there, you can just agree to the arrangement without fanfare and let your laundromat be a safe space for her that doesn't change.

NTA, Ask the Mrs. if it would be better to embarrass and strip a person’s dignity away, instead? Because that’s essentially what would happen. Disabled people make decisions for themselves. The woman is paying to take up space in your business to give herself peace of mind you aren’t resenting her for it.

NTA I’m autistic. Your wife is ableist. We absolutely know what we’re doing. I would do the same thing because I would also be appreciative of a safe space. Let her pay you & tell your wife to check her ableism.

she just wanted to contribute by tipping you.

NTA. This is probably the one thing which brings her peace and calm right now. She wants to pay you for your kindness. You are doing something nice and your wife needs to chill out.

buy a present for Mrs. Everyone happy.

NTA at all. The woman who’s on the spectrum finds this soothing and it’s into her routine now. Your wife is wrong in this case.

NTA. Buy something that might make her more comfortable, like a case of water she probably won’t want to accept it so just tell her that you spent her $5 on the water.

NTA. I have a cousin who is on the spectrum & has a plethora of mental health problems. I could easily see her doing this. She’s doing this out of respect and thankful for your consideration for being at your place of business but not using your resources. The amount she is giving you is fair and not obscene. The fact that you are going to donate the money is incredibly kind, thoughtful and generous. To be honest, insisting on not accepting would be patronizing- “oh you poor autistic person who is naive and is less than me, I can’t possibly accept this money”.

I have ASD and I think it's good you are taking her money. She clearly feels she's getting a useful service, and usually, that would come along with doing a load or 2 of washing. she doesn't want to do laundry but is soothed by the noise and i expect she doesn't want any special treatment or to feel she taking advantage due to her ASD so she's paying for sitting there. She is probably quite appreciative to have her condition accommodated without being made to feel different or given allowances. Personally, if it was me, I'd feel uncomfortable if you didn't take the money, so I assume that's probably similar to how she feels. YNTA

Nta. Maybe them giving you the money allows them to feel comfortable continuing to use your establishment. It’s great you’re donating it, you could use it to also improve the area they are sitting in.

NTA Im autistic. She probably feels she’s getting value out of it. Or that if she’s taking up space in the business she should compensate for that. That’s her ADULT decision. Look. Autism is a developmental not intellectual disability. We’re all definitely affected differently. Some folks do also have an intellectual disability. But you also have to remember, people with intellectual disabilities ALSO get infantilized. People assume anyone who’s disabled can’t made decisions for ourselves. Either way. The assumption by your wife is hella ableist. It’s common to infantilize folks with disabilities. This woman doesn’t need that. She’s just enjoying the soothing sound of the machines. Seems like she wants to be fair and compensate you for that. If you wanted. You could get magazines or something for folks to read while waiting. Or you could use the money to enhance the waiting around experience. A snack machine or what have you. Let her have her own agency here.

So do you have an employee? Do you want one? If you wanted to start a drop off service where people send in their laundry to get washed and folded. ?? Or like an iron, and repair station? Would she be interested? If she likes the space that much it might be good for you both.

NTA, I love the laundromat! I find it relaxing and it's so convenient. I'm neurotypical, but I can see the appeal. It was definitely a "second place" for me. The fight we had when my husband bought me a washer dryer for Christmas. I hated it. I don't do laundry anymore over it. I don't think it's wrong to take the money. It's not like she's giving you huge amounts. Donating it is a wonderful idea.

NTA - an autistic woman is fully capable of making that decision for herself. Being disabled does not mean being incompetent. Your wife is being ableist.

NTA but as an autistic person please do NOT donate/fund autism speaks. The autistic self advocacy network is a much better organization that actually listens to us and cares what WE think.

NTA you were going to donate it ffs! and if she's upset you weren't letting her pay you you did the right thing, your wife is an ah

NTA. The customer is paying you because she values the service you are providing to her: a relaxing white noise environment. By taking her money, you are giving her a feeling of normalcy (She's a customer, not a strange loiterer) and reassurance (because she's a paying customer, you won't suddenly chase her off; her safe space will remain a safe space.)  Trying to give the money back to her will upset her. The boundaries of business-customer relationships will fray or break, and it won't feel as much like a refuge for her, as she'll lose a feeling something not quite like, but akin to, control.

NTA but part of the ambiance is the routine and the lack of need for stressful social interaction so please just let her pay and leave her alone.

Nta. Your wife is the asshole here. So dumb of her to be angry after hearing the details of the story. I believe a disabled person should have the right pay for a service. Perhaps they should pay more even.

NTA. Autism is different for everyone and does not automatically equate to an inability to nake sound decisions. The young lady wants to give you $5 and is upset when you don't accept it. You've done nothing wrong and the fact that you were trying to donate it should tell your wife you had good intentions.

Thank you for giving this woman a safe place to hang out. Do you ever have people who struggle to pay for machines or detergent? Could you put it toward helping them out? Is that something your wife would agree to?

I’m autistic. Social situations are distressing for me, even though I love people. One of my biggest anxieties is going into a store looking for one specific thing and they not have it. I don’t want to look like I’m stealing, so I’ll buy anything just to make myself feel better. It could be something like that. It’s patronizing to assume she doesn’t understand. Could be she just really doesn’t want to feel like an inconvenience or any other plethora of reasons. She offers, you refuse, she insists. Depending where you are in the world, you’d be an asshole to refuse a second time.

NTA. I find the sound of a sewing machine running soothing, so I understand.

NTA- people with autism like rules. Sometimes self imposed rules. She probably equates going there and not using the laundry machines to loitering, loitering is wrong and possibly illegal so by paying to sit there she is no longer loitering and is paying for utilizing the space. The fact you told her she’s doesn’t need to pay does not negate that self imposed rule she needs to follow. She needs to pay for her for her own reasons and nothing you do with change that. Let her pay, it’s helping her more than you know.

Your wife is the asshole here. People with disabilities feel more normal and accepted when they pay their own way etc. Source: wife with disabilities

NTA Putting up more of a flight could easily be horrific for her.

NTA. You weren't even trying to keep it. You wanted to donate it. Tell your wife to come in and force her to take the money back then.

Buy her 1 oz. Silver coins with the money and give them to her for Christmas.

NTA but why do you write like a British person? Fivers? The Mrs. I mean nothing is exactly a red herring but there’s a touch here and I’ve heard “a twenty” but I’ve never heard someone say fiver here.

The disabled person kept insisting you take the money. It’s just easier to take the money than argue with a disabled. You really can’t reason with them. She must have serious issues if something like washing machines is something she needs to make her feel good. It’s not like she gave you a hundred dollars or something.

I have a friend with autism and with a really good job and he spends money as an expression of friendship and gratitude. This is her equivalent of bringing you a nice home cooked meal because she's your friend.

NTA

Hi, friendly neighborhood autistic here. You're NTA. She is insisting on giving you the money because rules, she used the laundromat as a safe space, and she knows it's a business and rules make the world make sense. By taking the money, you're making her world make sense. Arguing with her and not taking the money could lead to a meltdown. Take the money and put it towards a good cause.

Nah you are good. That is where they were comfortable and they felt best paying you. You did well by just letting them be. :)

Nta and you seem kind. I like the idea about donations. As for your wife, she means well but isn't doing well.

I’m an autistic adult and all I have to say is I’m sure this means a lot to her that you gladly allow her to stay and keep to herself so she can decompress, and that though you don’t expect or necessarily want to be paid for the time she spends there I’m sure she appreciates that you accept it as well. Sometimes there are very specific things we need to feel calm and regulated again, and she has found comfort in your place of business to do that. and you have helped greatly with that by allowing her to just exist in the space without being required to pay for a service. I grew up being taught that if I enter a business (such as a convenience store) that even if you don’t enter with the main intention of purchasing a service/product (going to the restroom or in this case just using the sound to decompress), you still pay for something small as an act of courtesy/respect to the business; maybe that’s what her thought process is, maybe it’s as a “thank you,” maybe both. You accepting her payment, regardless of your personal opinion on it, is a way of showing respect to her as a person and her attempt to show respect to you as a business, and could very well help her feel comfortable to continue coming back. It’s a very simple interaction on the surface but it could be much deeper for her. I especially love that you consider donating her payments to you! My only advice on that is to be careful and do some research on who you donate to if it’s for an autism/other disability organization - no autism speaks, for example. You’re doing a wonderful thing for this woman and I’m sure she appreciates you greatly!

Better to save her $5 everytime and buy a comfy chair she can sit in and relax.

NTA.  Your wife's attitude is people with disabilities are just stupid and don't know what they're doing.  You're doing it right.

NTA you can only argue with someone for so long about not wanting to take their money. You took it reluctantly and then researched a deserving place to donate it. Definitely NTA. I once helped a guy with a flat and he insisted on giving me $10, which I did not want. He was obnoxious as hell about me taking it, so I did. I bought a carton of cigarettes with it. Yeah, it was a long time ago.

Nta sweetheart

YWNBTA- in fact refusing to take her money would make you an AH. That is like telling her you know better than her and it’s infantilizing and patronizing

NTA. Let her pay you a five to sit there. If she's autistic she probably will appreciate keeping the same routine with minimal interaction, so just go with it and don't mention it again.

Nta but your wife is

I used to work for an organization that took disabled adults to activities.  Occasionally, after a movie or whatever, the group would stop at a bar and everyone who wanted would have a beer.  Some would order soft drinks.  Everyone enjoyed it; everyone felt like regular people.  Then some patrons who witnessed the group called the organization and complained that these disabled people were being exploited or something.  So they stopped doing it.  Disabled people enjoy a beer once in a while.  Unsure what this has to do with the laundromat, but it popped into my mind.

Save up the money and buy her an even more comfortable chair

NTA.  I cannot stress this enough. Rules and order are beyond comforting to autistic people. As I read your post, all I could think was that she just wants to be fair. It doesn’t matter that it costs you no more than you’d be spending anyway to give her a spot, or that the “fair thing” costs herself. It doesn’t even matter that she knows you don’t want the money. She has an extreme sensitivity to injustice, and she doesn’t want to be the one taking advantage. She is taking, so her sense of order and equity tell her to give something back.  And truly, your laundromat and you are giving her access to noises, sensations, and sensory peace that she would otherwise be unable to recreate or have access to. It’s probably worth a lot more than $5 to her, but she wants to also respect your statements about feeling uncomfortable taking more. It’s unlikely she hasn’t OVERanalyzed exactly what she thinks is the fairest amount to give you. Giving it to you now is set routine, which is another comfort. Her firmness in denying a free seat over and over confirms this. She wants to be fair and you are asking her NOT to be. She wants a routine, and you want her to change that. She wants to turn off her brain, and she can’t do that unless you let her be. Any of those interruptions can be defcon 5 for an autistic person, which leads to bad, bad places. All three? It would be awful.  Know, too, that giving her the money back at this point because you’ve kept her “differently-abled ASD money” to the side would be a spit in the face, telling her you never respected her efforts to be just or her sense of autonomy in the first place. This comes after she revealed her vulnerability with you because she felt safe. Seriously, do not treat that money any differently than her requested purpose. Treat it like you would a tip from anyone because she’s not any less of a person than anyone else and her requests aren’t any less reasonable or worthy of respect. If you feel personally called to donate the money, or put it into a nicer seating area for all customers, do so! It’s YOUR money, that’s why she gave it to you. But don’t tell her you spent it back on her. It’s not her business as she sees it. Spending it that way would just re-indebt her to you.  This second autistic stranger with an overloaded circuit board for a brain is telling you: Take the money. Tell your wife she’s wrong. All you got to say to this woman when she hands you $5 is “Have a great day.” She’s just different. She’s not a second-class citizen. 

Asd doesn't mean stupid. You tried to give it back and she said no.  Your wife thinks so highly of you Nta

As a neurodivergent person I can assure you that simply respecting her sense of dignity is a true kindness. If you try throw that money back at her, it could possibly take away from the sense of independence and responsibility she was trying to foster by 'tipping' you for allowing her to loiter in your place of business. It's possible, in her mind, she is paying for the time it takes to finish a wash and dry cycle in your establishment. The only difference is she has no intention to wash clothing. She is showing her integrity, and that should be celebrated.. Your spouse sounds as though she may cause a lot of damage to this young woman by interfering with something which is clearly therapeutic to her. [Customer] If she has to, she might put the cash in the machine instead... just for optics.. it's not really cool to put this drama on her. NTA

NTA, so NTA, you have clearly established that trying to reduce the payment causes significant agitation and distress and pushing this issue would deny this person a safe space where they can come and get whatever it is they need through this. I’m sure she has enough financial autonomy if she has access to this money and that would only be allowed of those with any form of guardianship agree to it. The fact that you are looking to put this money towards charitable donations to try and alleviate the needs of the neurodivergent vice pocketing it speaks volumes to your integrity. Your wife is pulling a wobbler here and needs to listen to the reason that you have stopped fighting this and are trying to post it forward. You Sir are a commendable human for the way you have intuitively handled this, and then looked for a way to turn that money to further food in the community.

Eh its NTA. If you have fought out until you tired and she still insists then the money is yours. Keep it or donate it whatever

NTA Next time, ask her if she’s interested in folding clothes. That’s a way to have hands busy but mind calm.

It’s people like you bro you fucking asshole (Jk)

NTA. Thank you for providing a safe space for someone. It’s less than they would pay for a coffee if they wanted to sit in a cafe for a while.

NTA. If you didn’t accept the money then she wouldn’t have felt comfortable to come back and do it again. That is why she was mad when you would not take it, because you not taking it would make it weird for her because then she’s taking something without giving. Since she’s paying $5, she feels like she can use the space without guilt because she paid for the space she took. Giving the money back against her wishes would just make her extremely uncomfortable and she’d probably have to find a new laundromat to go to. 

NTA. Look, she’s essentially treating your place like a coffee shop and tipping for the privilege of sitting there and relaxing for a while. You tell her no thank you, she insists, you accept the money, she’s happy, and you have $ for a coffee or whatever. She’s not mentally disabled she is just neurodivergent. And you aren’t making her pay. If she didn’t pay one day, you wouldn’t care, right?

Everyone means well here. Just settle down

NTA... If you want to donate you could consider her $ as a donation towards those who may not have the money to wash their clothes. Maybe reach out to a school and see if they have a "closet" or know of students who could use assistance.

NTA, actually refusing to take the money could make her feel bad and even stop going there if she feels she’s taking advantage of you, she likes your shop and wants to pay and that makes her feel good, your idea of donating the money is a good one, you could also get her snacks or a beverage while she’s there so she gets some “product” for her money.

If you don’t take it she might feel some kind of way and decide your place isn’t considered safe for her anymore.

Nta, if she is getting mad that you won’t take her money and you did it just to appease her from getting angrier I mean what else can you do other than what your doing? Or buy her a comfortable chair to sit in when she comes in that’s just for her like one of those cozy fold up chairs.

Was enjoying the story until you were called a acumbag and an AH. lol. By your wife, no less. Your heart was in the right place. Was planning to even donate it. Then boom. Good luck :)

NTA. Donate it to ASAN.

NTA. Making it a "transaction" allows the young woman to feel that she is not an imposition, or a weirdo. She knows she's receiving something of value from you. She wants you to know it, too. Take the money. Donate. Once in a while your laundromat might have a "Free Donuts and Coffee" day, if you think she'll participate.

Autistic here and she's seeing it as you providing a service for her that is peace and relaxation. Something WE need in life. I don't think she has to pay you either, but for her it probably matters deeply as matter of fairness since she is using your place of business. NTA

Yeah, def NTA. Thanks for being a lovely person and for being an ally. I’d happily pay a fiver to exist in a space that is soothing and welcoming of my ASD. Hard to find something like this! Donating is a good idea if you don’t want to keep the money, but seriously… she is paying you for the service… it’s not the service you specifically sell, but it’s one that is worth SO much to her. She wants your establishment to keep lights on and the machines running.

NTA, if I have accumulated enough fubds I would just a buy her a nice chair so she can sit comfortably when she visit.

NTA, and I love that you’re going to donate the money!

I’m autistic and I would find it amazing lily offensive if I tried to tip someone and they threw it back in my face. And it’s kinda infantilising as well. As someone with asd finding a spot in a public place to relax when I’m overwhelmed is like finding a needle in a pile of needles. She’s trying to show gratitude in the only way she knows how. It’s a tip. If you wanna give back try getting a comfy chair for her, some puzzles or something maybe comfy pillows something like that. Things like that mean the absolute world to me.