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NTA for getting upset, but definitely communicate about it. It would upset me, too.
"You aren't "watching" because you're not a babysitter. You're parenting because you're a parent."
If he needs a break, "I've been with him all day, and I need a breather."
There are alternatives, and it would grind my gears, too.
NTA I had plans with a friend when our son was an infant and my husband made the mistake of telling me he would babysit our son when I went out. Upon hearing this magnanimous offer from the father of our child, I initiated a lively discussion about parenting and parental responsibilities and he never said it again.
Was this my ex husband? He seemed to think that his weekend off work didn't involve him doing anything, as it was his wekend off and I was fobbing off our child to him . When is my weekend off I asked,? I just asked for a bloody shower longer than 5 mins and some help in general.
When our daughters were babies I cared for them 24/7 as my husband was at work all week and "I need my sleep at night so I can function at work" (never mind me being able to function while responsible for two vulnerable people). When the weekend rolled around he'd loll in bed until maybe 11, then come downstairs, put on his shoes and go out to occupy himself with whatever leisure activities he fancied. On his own.
"I work all week and I need a break" he would reason from the sofa of an evening, as I scrubbed baby sick out of the carpet with tears of exhaustion rolling down my face.
Hearing you. So sorry. part of why mine is an ex. I was expected to thank him for doing the dishes one night . Shot that down in flames when I said when had I been thanked for his meals, his washing, doing everything.
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My husband generally gives the riot act to any guy he hears talk about babysitting their own kids or bragging about how few diapers they’ve had to change. He doesn’t get why anyone would brag about being a crappy parent and partner. And he thinks it makes them all look bad.
I'm a paediatric doctor and I've genuinely heard dads who have had multiple children say they "don't do nappies". Saw one newborn (at least 4th baby of this couple), only a couple of hours post delivery, mum had had a c section and so not yet able to move, and baby had a dirty nappy. As I went to leave, the parents asked, what about the nappy, I replied "yes, it needs changing, dad you can do it" and he just replied "oh I'm afraid not".
I replied "oh, do you not know how, that's ok, you get the stuff ready and I'll tell you what to do", not a chance I was going to stand there and do the nappy for this man's child because he just didn't want to!
(ETA I had taken a full medical history from him and mum in line with the reason for my review so knew there was no medical reason he couldn't change a nappy!)
Not going to lie, the first time I changed a nappy I was terrified and didn't have a clue but I was also terrified of doing anything to harm this tiny little thing that's only hours old. Nurses were great though.
By the time the second one came along it was much easier apart from allowing for different plumbing but my wife also had the same learning curve.
One of my biggest achievements that I'm still proud of is being able to do a change at 3am and not wake the kid up.
It really isn't hard so what is the fuss or are these guys who don't even was their arse as touching it is gay?
Absolutely have no issue with parents being terrified of the first nappy they change (I know my husband will be when we have a child!) but have an issue with those who refuse to change any even with several children!
Well done on your sleep nappy changing ninja skills, that is impressive!!
Haha same. When I had to change the first nappy by myself a few hours after our daughter was born (nurses helped with the first time and showed us how) I was TERRIFIED and took like half an hour! My SO took over when he came back to the hospital in the morning and we both learned by doing 😄 But yeah the first few times took us ages. A note to new parents, no worries, it‘s a task you will get sooooo much practice in 🤣
My brother was terrified with his first baby and now he is an absolute rock star with babies in general. We were around a lot of babies when we were growing up so we should have done a better job teaching him before he had his baby, but lessons learned.
Not just children either. My grandmother's health recently got abruptly bad and my grandfather (90+) felt very good about himself when he suggested that to make life a bit easier for her, he might be able to learn how to cook noodles.
My grandfather on my mother's side is much more like that too - he and my maternal grandmother both worked and split chores accordingly. And he makes the best pancakes.
Yeah, no. My grandpa taught us how to make them as a child and one of my favorite memories is of making them with him and that old manual machine. It’s the first thing I bought when I found out that I was pregnant so that I could teach my kids too. He’s about your grandpa’s age now and still periodically makes them from scratch, especially to make chicken noodle soup if my grandma or someone else is sick. If I were your grandma I’d go on strike. Let him live off of boxed meals if he has to as he’s had it easy for way too long. Grandma deserves better.
When my first was a baby, we went to a sale of secondhand baby things. It was a whole event with activities and contests. One of these contests was a daddy diaper changing contest. My husband was so angry at the implication that dads would be less good at changing diapers than moms! At that point I think he'd changed more diapers than I had lol (I was nursing so did all the nighttime feedings, so he did any nighttime changings to make it more fair)
I love this. Once, after a particular rough day with a toddler and a puppy my husband promised to train but did not, my husband came in from work and commented about the state of the (cluttered but not dirty) house. I also initiated a lively discussion and that was the last time that happened.
OP is NTA. Definitely time to initiate that discussion
NTA and you’re not a stay at home mom. You work. You need to have an honest discussion with your husband where you both determine what the new balance of household labour looks like.
I think this is a very important point. OP is working too. Maybe part time (if I understand correctly how much time her business takes), but it still means they are a household with *two working parents*. If they keep framing her as the SAHM, it's easy to dump unfair amount of work on her.
Well if he gets fired he could be a stay at home dad, not every boss loves watch the workers go home 2-3 hours sooner he should because his wife is building her bussines that does not cover their bills
And people screaming divorce him and calling him names, he has a job that pay's for everything yet he has to leave from time to time 2--3 hours earlyer for his wife to work on her sidehustle. Would her job pay all the bills if he gets fired i don't think so. She is selfemployed that means healtcare get's covered by her or husbands job, again if he is fired no healtcare for him her and the child
ESH. You don't watch your kids. You parent them.
I agreed with you for 99% of the post. You lost me at "I ask him if he can come home 2-3 hours early." Unless he is the boss that's not something he can just do. Especially if it's short notice. For most businesses, short notice means less than two weeks notice. (If you are asking that far ahead and he's not trying then my judgement is NTA. Just be aware that even if you give him enough notice and he does request the time, the boss is under no obligation to give him that time.) Tee time is not important. Buy him a putter for the living room.
It definitely depends on the job. My husband's job probably prefers he's there in person but wouldn't bat an eyelash at 2-3 hours every couple weeks as long as he was on top of his work and could still take a call in an emergency.
That's fair. I am fairly cynical when it comes to our dystopian, modern capitalist hellscape lol. Either way, his wife is asking him to step up so he certainly needs to.
I wonder who is going to pay the bills when he gets fired for constantly leaving 2-3 hours sooner he should. My sisters new job watching the workers when they come or leave and if they leave sooner that comes down from their paycheck
Not only that, but if they are American (which I suspect they are) there is no such thing as parental leave. An occasional emergency is understandable. PTO has to go through a prior authorization. Companies are cracking down on work from home too. You can't wfh and be taking care of your kids at the same time. That late work he's doing is likely paying for the thousands of dollars it cost you in excess of insurance to give birth. Plus the boss is likely requiring it to make up for the productivity that he lost from your husband being out when you gave birth, the decline in performance from his lack of sleep with a young baby, and the profits they're going to need to make up for as they start laying people off (if they haven't already). He's likely a candidate on the layoff list already and he's trying to save his job. Don't get me wrong, none of that absolves him of his duties at home. He needs to parent his kid. As soon as he steps in the door, he should be taking over. The first 5 years are hell
She says she does this on the weekends, so I don’t know about her asking him to come home early when he’s at work. She hasn’t answered if she asks him to come home early during the week or on weekends when he’s playing golf or with friends.
I’ve only asked him once to come home early during the week, that was two days ago.
The rest of the time I ask him to solo parent is on the weekends. He doesn’t typically golf on the weekends. I ask him on the weekends at least 3-4 days advance knowing he has no other plans.
Nah
I think the problem is clarity regarding your "jobs" and roles. His job is working his regular career and he views your job as SAHM childcare. Your business is your side-hussle and your husband views it as you raking time away from your real job as SAHM and forcing your husband to "cover" your work.
You hoth need to sit down, discuss your roles, the viability of your hours and the impacts (positive and negative) of your business and finding a balance you can all agree to.
It sounds like there is friction and resentment because you want more hours away from SAHM job to work on business and that forces your husband to work more to cover your SAHM job hours.
Tell me this.. Do you have some lularoe mlm bs that costs more than it makes while he just wants to chill after work? If so, yta and he doesn't have the guts to tell you.
NTA for getting upset. Husband needs to parent own child.
However, some people who have breadwinner partner start turning own hobby into “business”that often doesn’t bring income (or even brings loss, startup cost and early stage of business realistically). And if the partner has to cut work hours, or (I’m aware this is not the case yet in this post) has to pay for babysitter to cover, there should be discussion, how overall finance and time management work, and how long it is sustainable (when will business become profitable? and if so, will you be busier to require more childcare coverage?)
Your self satisfaction and own dream outside of just being a parent is of course important, and husband definitely needs to see he is also responsible to take care of own child, but if you think he should automatically (non reluctantly) drop his breadwinning work (come home 2-3hrs early) to support your side business, him saying “I’m covering you” is not out of line. Again I fully understand he is not “watching” a child.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> And yes, there has been many discussions and conflicts over me asking forgiveness husband to be a husband and not a babysitter.
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NTA but why are you still together with someone who belittles, manipulates and gaslights you? Reading your other posts his behavior is nothing new and you were already thinking about divorce. So do it. Things won’t get better
Nta, this is going to be a very unpopular opinion but it feels a little bit like you want it all.
Technically you are still a SAHM but are trying to grow a business on the side - which is great and will be really helpful for when he's at school all day but are you really expecting your husband to come home 2-3 hours early from work so you can do something for your business?
It seems to me that he is the main provider here & it's not actually that easy to leave work early when you have a job & a boss & set hours.
He is unlikely to be doing a tonne of overtime just for shits and giggles so it says to me he's either doing it for extra money or because of pressures at work .. which would also say to me the added pressure of having to make sure he is available as/when you need him to so you can do your little business & having you telling him he's not doing enough probably is just adding extra stress to him.
Saying about how he does work / overtime/ golf makes it sound like he is choosing to do all the work and then how dare he take a little time to decompress if he golfs.
I get it that you also deserve time but I'm assuming SAHM was your choice, also do you not have daycare you can put them in a few hours a week?
You & your partner deserve to be equal and your son deserves a happy healthy home but if he's doing all the work, doing overtime & helping with the kid when he's around it sounds to me like the poor guy is stretched pretty thin. Personally as a single mother who works their tush off daily I understand the struggles of work, raising a child, home chores & burnout so I get things are hard for you but you seem to want the moon on a stick from this man
I see exactly what you’re saying, but what I didn’t mention in the original post and is hard to communicate is that my husband’s job is VERY RELAXED. There’s no “overtime pay” and Fridays are work from home days but yet he still goes into the office. Which I get, it’s easier to work at work! But the thing is, the industry he works in and company he works for - he could go work at a coffee shop whenever he pleases if he wanted to. It’s very relaxed and there are not any set hours whatsoever.
So it’s not at all a big thing when he comes home a few hours early to help me (which he’s only done ONCE). The other times he’s “watched” our son for me is on the weekends.
Is he stressed at work? Sure, I’ll give him that! Aren’t we all? But he’s putting EVERYTHING on me (including house chores because he “doesn’t like doing them) during the week when he’s at work and also when he’s at home.
He takes off work for his Vegas trips, with no issue what so ever. I have never once seen him stress or complain about taking off work for an event that he wants to go to - or a trip to visit his parents. But when it’s leaving work a few hours earlier, childcare is a huge problem!
But isn't your job as a SAHM to do the childcare and the chores?
Are you saying to him that you don't want to be a SAHM anymore? If that's the case then surely you can look into childcare whilst you focus on work full time.
It's nice that the job is relaxed & a shame he doesn't get paid for overtime but there must be a reason why he's doing it? Like he's not just doing it for the sake of it.
I get that it's his child too & he should be helping out but if he is working all week & helping with the kid at the weekend, it seems fair enough that he gets a little time out and that you do the lions share of the work with the child & in the home.
Also there must be a reason he goes to work instead of wfh, is it maybe easier to concentrate on doing the thing that pays the bills when he's there?
I get that mumming is hard, running a house is hard & starting a business is hard, but the guy sounds like he's stretched thin as it is
Golf is strictly a fun activity here for him, at least at this point. I see where you’re coming from because eventually I assume he grows in his position at work he could have the opportunity to do that. But right now golf is 100% just a fun thing to do.
You started your post saying you're a full time SAHM. If your husband was full time when you made that decision, he's probably expecting to be responsible for financially supporting the family. INFO: When you decided to put more time and effort into your business, did you discuss the extra time commitments that this would require from your husband? If he doesn't have something worked out with his employer, taking off hours early from work can jeopardize his job. Have you actually figured out a plan to deal with child care if both of you have work?
Isn’t he working to provide for her, too and their child? This is not the case that deadbeat dad doesn’t pay child support and doesn’t take care of child. And I don’t think income from her side business can afford paying for babysitter (either husband or someone else).
I agree with NTA and I agree husband needs to patent, but your analogy doesn’t make sense.
NTA.
He’s the father, not the babysitter. His literal job is to care for his child. It’s not a favour to the primary parent. SMH at secondary parents who act like aunties and grandparents. “I only want them for a couple of hours, then you can have them back!”
You work full time as a SAHM and you have a start up. Your husband needs a real reality check about who is contributing the most here. What is your “golf”? When do you get child free time to engage in something not work related?
Your child learns behaviour from both of you. Don’t let him learn that it’s not his job to actively participate in the family because “daddies only babysit”
OUR son is not only my responsibility, he is yours as well as a parent. I have had enough of you stating that you are watching him for me. If you cannot recognize that you are expected to be an equal parent with me then we have a huge problem here. I am upset, angry and hurt by your patronizing, misogynistic thinking. So what are you going to do to fix this? NTA, if he says anything remotely manipulative, gaslighting, misogynistic leave his ass!
I would get very angry when someone would say to my wife "it must be nice having a full time babysitter" as I WFH.
NO, I BLOODY WELL PARENT.
Mothers aren't told they babysit, it's no different for fathers.
NTA and he needs re-educating
NTA.
The only AH here is the child's father. Taking care of a child is more than equivalent to a full time job. He needs to pick up the slack. He's just being lazy. If he's weaponizing false incompetence then he's never going to help. You guys are parents! You should be doing half of the work each! If he's putting it all on you it's not fair at all. If it wasn't so complicated, financially stressful, and if feelings weren't involved, I'd say leave him. I'm sorry it's not as easy as that.
Get a sitter if you have a new business
No person should ask their partner to come home 3 hours early from work on the regular
ESH because clearly he could have thought of this also
NTA.
You don't "watch" your own kid. SAHM status doesn't mean Dad gets to collapse after working a 9 to 5 and SAHM works 24/7. When Dad is home, it's split 50/50 - and no, he doesn't get to escape every weekend if Mom doesn't also get a break.
NTA it's his son so it's not watching him for you. it's being a parent. my uncle was the same, he would say I had to miss golf to babysit the kids. my grandpa had the best response, "I never babysat my kids, I only took care of mine as i was their parent"
NTA. Your husband calls it "watching" your son because he thinks he's doing you a favor. He's not. He's a parent. Parenting is 24 hours. There are times that you, as the primary caregiver, cannot do it alone. Tell him that. Because if that's his perspective then on weekends, when he is home, treat the childcare exactly the same way he does.
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Like the title says… am I the ass for getting upset every time my husband says he watches our son for me when I have to work?
I am a SAHM full time but last year I started my own business and work a lot of pop up shows in our town or have to schedule photo shoots on the weekend. Sometimes, but vary rarely, I ask him if he can come home 2-3 hours early. He reluctantly agrees. Lots of huffing and puffing involved. Whenever I mention that I need more help from him so I can work more, or be less stressed about general home/life stuff (cleaning, cooking, laundry, lawn care, house care etc) he always says things like “well I do help because I watch [child’s name] for you while you work.”
I never say I’ll watch our son while he goes to work, goes to play golf, works late, etc… it’s just something I do because I am a mother.
He’s been doing this since our son was born, he’ll be two later this month. I’m getting so sick of this response.
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Saying that is him implying it's your sole responsibility. That's so wrong. NTA I sent you this video in chat because I forgot I could post links in a comment. Lol
https://youtu.be/V9eXzif5qYc?si=cFp3UX7s3MTL4e3M
Info: does your business bring money in? If yes what happens with it?
What does he work and how is his work affected from coming home early regulary on short notice?
I can't imagine getting all upset over wording. I've asked my husband to watch or babysit our kid. He's never gotten in my face about being a parent and equally responsible yadda yadda. I also tell him I'm leaving, he's in charge, don't let anyone die. There are way bigger things for me to stress over. As long as he doesn't act like he's doing me a favor, what it's called is irrelevant.
This is the problem - he acts like he’s doing me a favor by “watching” him. It’s beyond the terminology. He genuinely acts like watching him is doing me a favor when he throws it in my face afterwards.
I thought I was replying to someone else's comment, not your original comment. I didn't intend to respond to your post, just all the people who get upset over a spouse calling it babysitting. But since you responded to me, here goes. Honestly, I don't understand why you are still married to this AH. He doesn't care about you and he doesn't care about your child. I sincerely doubt this is news to you or that he was super invested in your relationship before you had your child. And yet, you chose to have a kid with this tool. Choices have consequences and these are your consequences. Leaving the AH and being without you and your child will be his consequences. Complaining on Reddit solves nothing except making you feel better about your lot in life as everyone agrees he's an AH, which you already knew. Time for you to make better choices.
I totally agree with you. I am realizing I did make a poor choice to marry him, and there were a lot of red flags leading up until this point. I ignored them, or at least put blinders on believing that he would change like he promised and promised he would (even before we walked down the aisle).
So you’re right here, I made a poor decision and these are the consequences. I think having a child was what really opened my eyes to what I settled for VS what I deserve.
>As long as he doesn't act like he's doing me a favor, what it's called is irrelevant
Did you not read the post? Pretty annoying that the exact caveat you make is her actual issue.
OP’s husband says: well I do help because I watch [child’s name] for you while you work
NTA, you basically ask him to do his "parenting" job, and what you have being doing all the time. And him being all annoyed about it is just gaslighting to make you think your demands are crazy, and to make sure you won't ask again.
I feel like it's common courtesy to make sure your partner is okay being the sole parent if it's not scheduled in advance. I often check with mine to make sure she's okay with caring for her dog and snail by herself.
HOWEVER, it's a courtesy that he clearly no longer has a right to, since he apparently is one of those "can't wait to go home and ignore my children," dads from the '50s. Obviously NTA (I suspect you already know this and are using this sub as a way to gain validation, which is totally cool, because you have this guy contributing the bare minimum he can so his wife doesn't leave him)
He really needs a kick in the rear to get him in gear
NTA. I had to correct my hubby on this one, and it took a while, but he no longer uses those phrases. I just told him he is a parent. He is not babysitting or watching the kids for me. He’s the dad. Again, I reminded him a few times, and his perspective changed.
Info: what's the financial agreement here? You say you are a stay at home mother, while you also work. Something doesn't add up.
If you are a SAHM and watching your child is the part you do while he works, he indeed watches him for you as it's your job and he can't do his in that time.
YTA for letting his attitude slide for 2 years. The firs time he said "watch" you should have shut that down, He has a horrible idea of what being a parent is.
NTA - the child is both of yours therefore there is no ‘helping you by watching my own kid’. No fella that’s just called parenting your own kid and that is expected to happen every day not just when you fancy it.
As for the huffing and puffing when he needs to change his life for you to work, he’s just being an ah. He probably doesn’t want you to work so he can just leave the housework and all the childcare to you and live his life mostly unchanged by parenthood.
No he doesn’t. After years of fighting he will reluctantly do some, but it’s not even worth it TBH. He half asses everything around the house so I just do it anyway.
You two need to talk out the responsibilities with your change in work activities. If there was some tacit or explicit agreement that you would be a SAHM and he would be the breadwinner, he may be assuming that childcare is still your responsibility and that you're not keeping up your end of the agreement. His comments sound passive-aggressive about the change. In the end, finding a neighborhood SAHM with whom to drop off the kid may be the solution for all.
I hate this for you, and I fear it's only going to get worse. In my mind, you have two options.
Get your husband on board for a more equitable division of all things domestic- and don't assume it's all your job. Tell him exactly how you feel and banish the word "babysitting" or "watching for you" from your family vocabulary.
OR
Do the exact thing he's doing to you, to him. When he wants to do anything outside work, say "ok, I'll watch the kid for you." The FOR YOU part is key. Anytime you do anything for the house, say you did it to help him out - I mowed the lawn for you, I helped out with the laundry, I helped you by folding those clothes, or I ran those errands for you." That way he HAS to say thank you. Maybe then he'll get how unfair he's being?
Anyway, it sounds maddening, he's got the attitude that it's all your job- the house, the kid, everything domestic because he WORKS that's all he's gotta do. Nip this in the bud now or you'll end up resenting him. Good luck!
Hire a cleaner to come in once a week. De-stress your life. Stop
taking on all the mental load for the family. Carve out some time for
you and your work. Ignore your husband's graceless response about
"watching" your child, he's just trying to make you feel bad for imposing on
him. NTA but every once in a while when he asks for something, tell him
you are watching/taking care of/feeding his son so you don't have time. ')
NTA for getting upset but YTA for letting it happen for 2 years.
You need to have a serious talk about it, now, before your kid starts accepting that this is normal.
Ask him if he has doubts about him not being the father and is that why he’s addressing him that way and behaving & acting the way does.
NTA Time for a serious sit-down where you present him with a list of everything you do - childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, organize the calendar, etc, and discuss equality in your home. Do this now. He needs to understand that managing a home is just as tiring as managing an outside job except it’s more frustrating because you don’t even get pais. Not only can you not go on like this but he’s being an awful role model for your son.
My question is: Do you actually make money on your business? Subtracting taxes, gas and expenses, how much do you actually earn per hour? If it's a great deal, your husband is being a jerk. If it's negligible / MLM stuff, and he's being asked to leave his presumably well paying job (that allows his partner to be a SAHM) to come home, then I understand the eye rolling. Same with house chores. If you earn a lot from your gig, then yes he should step up more to support that greater income to the family. But if he's now doing a lot more cooking and cleaning so you can faff around with a 'business' that is more like a hobby, then I'm kind of on his side.
BUT. No father should characterize the time spent with their own child as watching him for the spouse. That's wrong and you're very right to correct him on it.
My parents always called it babysitting duty when one of them was in charge while the other was out having fun. And they kept it pretty even. Parenting meant one was working and the other was home ensuring the house was clean and we were alive.
We like babysitting because that was fun time all around. Sometimes a trip the amusement park was involved, sometimes games around the table. Things babysitters do, not parents. I still remember “babysitting” with my parents with joy.
Jesus people here have a stick up their ass sometimes.
His terminology is slightly rude, you guys should talk about it and it should be a simple thing. People saying to divorce him are crazy.
However in this case ESH
He could use better terminology.
And you don’t seem to appreciate him leaving work early so you can do your side gig. The terms you used were “huffing and puffing” and “reluctantly”
Both of you are using words the other doesn’t appreciate. So you’re both slightly T A
Well, wouldn’t you be upset when you do kindly ask your husband for help (before committing to the event) if he can help his first response is “yeah of course do it!” But when it comes to the day of his attitude is incredibly annoyed and irritated that he “has to” help me a reason to feel like he’s huffing and puffing?
Why are you putting up with this? You have a husband who doesn't want to participate with caring for his child. A husband who doesn't want to do any housework chores because he doesn't like to. A husband who doesn't want you to work because it would inconvenience him. What does he provide that's so valuable? Have you thought about marriage counselling because this won't improve on its own. You are upset and need to have a plan on how to change the dynamics here.
Okay so looking back at your post history this is obviously a reoccurring issue.
The way I see it, he thinks you’re a stay at home mom and your home business is a fun hobby and you view it as work.
The only way I think this goes well is if you guys just enroll your son in daycare/preschool. I’m not really sure if it’ll fix the issues but it’s worth a shot. Especially if I believe I read that counseling isn’t going to happen and you guys can’t get some type of mediator.
Was he enthusiastic about becoming a dad? Sounds like he might be someone who didn't necessarily want kids but did it anyway. Also sounds like he fundamentally views childrearing as "women's work". Doubt that will change. Anyway, NTA.
Oh man, lol.
He’s not loosing money. He’s on salary and continues to work from home.
Running a small business is not pretend. I pay taxes just like other business do, so it’s a legal entity. I’m not selling lemonade on the corner.
Divorce, get half of custody and then he’ll have to watch his child half a time for himself.
I’m exaggerating of course, but I would be mad too!!!! Couple therapy maybe? Ask a friend with other views to explain? I don’t know what to advice, but I know I would have explain him that divorce is on the table, because this would be the only way for you to get more time to develop your business and be independent, and not be his servant.
NTA
I think you need a larger discussion about how much free time each of you gets and how much time each of you is spending with your child
He’d be told you’re not a babysitter you’re a parent each and every time if it was me
But your approach is currently failing to fix this
How important is this to you ? How far do you want to go ? There are lots of things you can do
I suggest you could tell him you want therapy because your relationship as a couple, as a family, as parents of a child together is not sustainable as it is
This is not what you signed up for when you agreed to be a stay at home mom - that is not what it means
Does he like you being a SAHM ? You could tell him if you go back to work what that might mean for the family dynamic
You could shock him and tell him if this isn’t solved then your relationship is at risk and there won’t be any further children
There is a lot you can do - but I think at the moment he thinks you’re a SAHM it’s all your job and he’s doing you a favour watching his LO
Why did you agree to be a sahm in the first place?
He absolutely views his child as your responsibility and an inconvenience
That's what happens when you agree to be a sahm
You need to redress the balance and remind him being a husband and father comes with equal parenting responsibility
I actually never did. And before we had kids, he never wanted me to be a SAHM. But now that I am one, I think he realizes it’s a huge convenience and saves him a ton in childcare. He’s even told me (before I started a business) to not go get a job because he was worried it would effect our sons wellbeing, even though we could use the money and I needed the freedom and independence. So that’s why I started my own business so I could do both, work from home and raise my son.
We agreed that I would stay home for 6-9 months, at most a year. And then I would go back to work!
However - when our son was born I really quick realized how little he helped with nothing. On top of childcare, I manage the house, cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, dogs, etc. the list could go on and on. So that’s why now, almost two years later, I haven’t gone back because I can’t imagine what our home would look like if I went back to work and I can’t even find the time to manage to get back into the mindset of applying for jobs. I rarely can even find time for quiet self care time.
And before anyone asks. If I did go back to work my husband wouldn’t pick up the slack of what I have been doing. He’s said several times that he doesn’t care if our house is messy. He doesn’t clean up after himself ever, not even making the bed. Picking up his dirty clothes, doing his own dishes.
If I didn’t clean, I can only imagine the filth out we would live in. Floors covered in dirt and mud, cabinets and appliances covered in crusted food, fridge sticking to hell because he leaves his leftovers uncovered in there. Doesn’t even bother to organize food in there and wipe the fridge down when things spill. He just throws everything in like it’s a bottomless pit.
ESH. If the agreement was that you would be a SAHM and he would work, starting a business that impacts his career isn't great. Some jobs aren't very flexible in that way and it doesn't seem like you both discussed this ahead of time. But also, it is his son too, and it shouldn't count as "watching" him.
To be fair, OP said nothing about whether or not her husbands work was impacted by his needing to be a parent. Even if he did, parenting is still his responsibility whether or not his wife is a SAHM, and whether or not he has inflexible working arrangements. He should have considered that before he became a parent. Op is NTA here, her husband very firmly is.
She also said nothing about whether she discussed starting her own business with him beforehand and the impact that would have on their family. If they had agreed on a division of labor, and he'd made arrangements at work based on that, she would be TA for changing them.
Op
>well I do help because I watch [child’s name] for you while you work.”
And if it isn't working for him, he can communicate how they all can improve. He was also there when whatever system they had started dragging.
But a father should never watch or babysit his child *for* his wife. That is insulting to the hard work she does of taking care of him around the clock.
That is the problem here. I'm not arguing further because I'm not trying to change your mind. Do you
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NTA for getting upset, but definitely communicate about it. It would upset me, too. "You aren't "watching" because you're not a babysitter. You're parenting because you're a parent." If he needs a break, "I've been with him all day, and I need a breather." There are alternatives, and it would grind my gears, too.
If he continues after the conversation, tell him every morning “I’m watching your son for you today”.
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☝🏻🎯🎯🎯
NTA I had plans with a friend when our son was an infant and my husband made the mistake of telling me he would babysit our son when I went out. Upon hearing this magnanimous offer from the father of our child, I initiated a lively discussion about parenting and parental responsibilities and he never said it again.
I heard a story of a dad who expected to be rewarded for watching his son
Was this my ex husband? He seemed to think that his weekend off work didn't involve him doing anything, as it was his wekend off and I was fobbing off our child to him . When is my weekend off I asked,? I just asked for a bloody shower longer than 5 mins and some help in general.
When our daughters were babies I cared for them 24/7 as my husband was at work all week and "I need my sleep at night so I can function at work" (never mind me being able to function while responsible for two vulnerable people). When the weekend rolled around he'd loll in bed until maybe 11, then come downstairs, put on his shoes and go out to occupy himself with whatever leisure activities he fancied. On his own. "I work all week and I need a break" he would reason from the sofa of an evening, as I scrubbed baby sick out of the carpet with tears of exhaustion rolling down my face.
Hearing you. So sorry. part of why mine is an ex. I was expected to thank him for doing the dishes one night . Shot that down in flames when I said when had I been thanked for his meals, his washing, doing everything.
Please tell me you didn't put up with it much longer and dumped his ass
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Oh no, watching your child. Doing the bare minimum. He is so put upon.
My husband generally gives the riot act to any guy he hears talk about babysitting their own kids or bragging about how few diapers they’ve had to change. He doesn’t get why anyone would brag about being a crappy parent and partner. And he thinks it makes them all look bad.
I'm a paediatric doctor and I've genuinely heard dads who have had multiple children say they "don't do nappies". Saw one newborn (at least 4th baby of this couple), only a couple of hours post delivery, mum had had a c section and so not yet able to move, and baby had a dirty nappy. As I went to leave, the parents asked, what about the nappy, I replied "yes, it needs changing, dad you can do it" and he just replied "oh I'm afraid not". I replied "oh, do you not know how, that's ok, you get the stuff ready and I'll tell you what to do", not a chance I was going to stand there and do the nappy for this man's child because he just didn't want to! (ETA I had taken a full medical history from him and mum in line with the reason for my review so knew there was no medical reason he couldn't change a nappy!)
Not going to lie, the first time I changed a nappy I was terrified and didn't have a clue but I was also terrified of doing anything to harm this tiny little thing that's only hours old. Nurses were great though. By the time the second one came along it was much easier apart from allowing for different plumbing but my wife also had the same learning curve. One of my biggest achievements that I'm still proud of is being able to do a change at 3am and not wake the kid up. It really isn't hard so what is the fuss or are these guys who don't even was their arse as touching it is gay?
Absolutely have no issue with parents being terrified of the first nappy they change (I know my husband will be when we have a child!) but have an issue with those who refuse to change any even with several children! Well done on your sleep nappy changing ninja skills, that is impressive!!
Haha same. When I had to change the first nappy by myself a few hours after our daughter was born (nurses helped with the first time and showed us how) I was TERRIFIED and took like half an hour! My SO took over when he came back to the hospital in the morning and we both learned by doing 😄 But yeah the first few times took us ages. A note to new parents, no worries, it‘s a task you will get sooooo much practice in 🤣
Even when you think you've got it right and feeling confident you'll still get covered in shit now and then!
good advice for life in general tbh
Hahaha so true 😆
My brother was terrified with his first baby and now he is an absolute rock star with babies in general. We were around a lot of babies when we were growing up so we should have done a better job teaching him before he had his baby, but lessons learned.
My husband refused to do diapers because "the smell made him siiiiick!" 🙄 Apparently a lot of men think that shit smells like roses to women?
They tried to get their doctor to change a baby?
The nurses sometimes will if they see you're struggling and will teach you how if you need it, but I've never heard of the doctor doing it.
You got yourself a keeper. I wouldn't brag about being a lazy parent either.
Not just children either. My grandmother's health recently got abruptly bad and my grandfather (90+) felt very good about himself when he suggested that to make life a bit easier for her, he might be able to learn how to cook noodles.
My late father, who would have been 98 this year could cook, put a wash on, Iron the clothes and clean the house.
My 74yo father cooked and did housework for as long as I can remember. Since his retirement he’s also taken up baking.
My grandfather on my mother's side is much more like that too - he and my maternal grandmother both worked and split chores accordingly. And he makes the best pancakes.
Yeah, no. My grandpa taught us how to make them as a child and one of my favorite memories is of making them with him and that old manual machine. It’s the first thing I bought when I found out that I was pregnant so that I could teach my kids too. He’s about your grandpa’s age now and still periodically makes them from scratch, especially to make chicken noodle soup if my grandma or someone else is sick. If I were your grandma I’d go on strike. Let him live off of boxed meals if he has to as he’s had it easy for way too long. Grandma deserves better.
When my first was a baby, we went to a sale of secondhand baby things. It was a whole event with activities and contests. One of these contests was a daddy diaper changing contest. My husband was so angry at the implication that dads would be less good at changing diapers than moms! At that point I think he'd changed more diapers than I had lol (I was nursing so did all the nighttime feedings, so he did any nighttime changings to make it more fair)
I love this. Once, after a particular rough day with a toddler and a puppy my husband promised to train but did not, my husband came in from work and commented about the state of the (cluttered but not dirty) house. I also initiated a lively discussion and that was the last time that happened. OP is NTA. Definitely time to initiate that discussion
"Initiated a lively discussion."
*lively discussion* I am absolutely adopting this terminology
LOL. Thank you. It sounds so much nicer than tore into him like a lioness on a wildebeest.
One I heard ages ago was "diplomacy by other means" = guns.
Okay scary. One to watch out for!
That's a riff off of Von Clausewitz's quote *War is a continuation of politics by other means.*
NTA and you’re not a stay at home mom. You work. You need to have an honest discussion with your husband where you both determine what the new balance of household labour looks like.
I think this is a very important point. OP is working too. Maybe part time (if I understand correctly how much time her business takes), but it still means they are a household with *two working parents*. If they keep framing her as the SAHM, it's easy to dump unfair amount of work on her.
Well if he gets fired he could be a stay at home dad, not every boss loves watch the workers go home 2-3 hours sooner he should because his wife is building her bussines that does not cover their bills
She's doing her shows on the weekends, she's asking him to come home early from outings like golf.
NTA. I think you and your husband need to discuss how this is his child too and not just some kid he watches when you're busy.
NTA. It's parenting, not babysitting. He's gotta step up his game.
Are you asking your husband to come home from work 2-3 hours early?
She says she does this on the weekends, so most likely not.
And people screaming divorce him and calling him names, he has a job that pay's for everything yet he has to leave from time to time 2--3 hours earlyer for his wife to work on her sidehustle. Would her job pay all the bills if he gets fired i don't think so. She is selfemployed that means healtcare get's covered by her or husbands job, again if he is fired no healtcare for him her and the child
You’re getting downvoted as will, but you’re right. She’s asking him to leave work so she can work on her hobby
Yep
ESH. You don't watch your kids. You parent them. I agreed with you for 99% of the post. You lost me at "I ask him if he can come home 2-3 hours early." Unless he is the boss that's not something he can just do. Especially if it's short notice. For most businesses, short notice means less than two weeks notice. (If you are asking that far ahead and he's not trying then my judgement is NTA. Just be aware that even if you give him enough notice and he does request the time, the boss is under no obligation to give him that time.) Tee time is not important. Buy him a putter for the living room.
It definitely depends on the job. My husband's job probably prefers he's there in person but wouldn't bat an eyelash at 2-3 hours every couple weeks as long as he was on top of his work and could still take a call in an emergency.
That's fair. I am fairly cynical when it comes to our dystopian, modern capitalist hellscape lol. Either way, his wife is asking him to step up so he certainly needs to.
I wonder who is going to pay the bills when he gets fired for constantly leaving 2-3 hours sooner he should. My sisters new job watching the workers when they come or leave and if they leave sooner that comes down from their paycheck
This is not the case. One time I’ve asked him to come home early. He has a very secure role at his job so it won’t happen.
Not only that, but if they are American (which I suspect they are) there is no such thing as parental leave. An occasional emergency is understandable. PTO has to go through a prior authorization. Companies are cracking down on work from home too. You can't wfh and be taking care of your kids at the same time. That late work he's doing is likely paying for the thousands of dollars it cost you in excess of insurance to give birth. Plus the boss is likely requiring it to make up for the productivity that he lost from your husband being out when you gave birth, the decline in performance from his lack of sleep with a young baby, and the profits they're going to need to make up for as they start laying people off (if they haven't already). He's likely a candidate on the layoff list already and he's trying to save his job. Don't get me wrong, none of that absolves him of his duties at home. He needs to parent his kid. As soon as he steps in the door, he should be taking over. The first 5 years are hell
She says she does this on the weekends, so I don’t know about her asking him to come home early when he’s at work. She hasn’t answered if she asks him to come home early during the week or on weekends when he’s playing golf or with friends.
I’ve only asked him once to come home early during the week, that was two days ago. The rest of the time I ask him to solo parent is on the weekends. He doesn’t typically golf on the weekends. I ask him on the weekends at least 3-4 days advance knowing he has no other plans.
That's an ICK. He is your child's father not a babysitter.
NTA. A lot of dads act like parenting is a favor they do for their wives. It’s sad.
NTA He isn't watching his son. He is taking care of him like every good parent should do.
I divorced and my ex still refers to his parenting time as “giving me a break”
I love it when it it is referred to as "babysitting". Argh!!!!!
> our son Is he a parent too. He should act like one.
Nah I think the problem is clarity regarding your "jobs" and roles. His job is working his regular career and he views your job as SAHM childcare. Your business is your side-hussle and your husband views it as you raking time away from your real job as SAHM and forcing your husband to "cover" your work. You hoth need to sit down, discuss your roles, the viability of your hours and the impacts (positive and negative) of your business and finding a balance you can all agree to. It sounds like there is friction and resentment because you want more hours away from SAHM job to work on business and that forces your husband to work more to cover your SAHM job hours.
Tell me this.. Do you have some lularoe mlm bs that costs more than it makes while he just wants to chill after work? If so, yta and he doesn't have the guts to tell you.
NTA for getting upset. Husband needs to parent own child. However, some people who have breadwinner partner start turning own hobby into “business”that often doesn’t bring income (or even brings loss, startup cost and early stage of business realistically). And if the partner has to cut work hours, or (I’m aware this is not the case yet in this post) has to pay for babysitter to cover, there should be discussion, how overall finance and time management work, and how long it is sustainable (when will business become profitable? and if so, will you be busier to require more childcare coverage?) Your self satisfaction and own dream outside of just being a parent is of course important, and husband definitely needs to see he is also responsible to take care of own child, but if you think he should automatically (non reluctantly) drop his breadwinning work (come home 2-3hrs early) to support your side business, him saying “I’m covering you” is not out of line. Again I fully understand he is not “watching” a child.
This is like when see the words ' baby sitting' coming from dads. No you're not. You are parenting. It took two then it takes two now
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Nta - my ex husband use to say this to me. Happily divorced.
NTA but why are you still together with someone who belittles, manipulates and gaslights you? Reading your other posts his behavior is nothing new and you were already thinking about divorce. So do it. Things won’t get better
NTA but you need to talk to him about it. He isn't "watching his son *ror you*" ... he's the parent as well. Time for him to realize.
Nah Someone has to watch the kid.
NTA at all.
Husband needs to be a wasband if he keeps playing that game
Nta, this is going to be a very unpopular opinion but it feels a little bit like you want it all. Technically you are still a SAHM but are trying to grow a business on the side - which is great and will be really helpful for when he's at school all day but are you really expecting your husband to come home 2-3 hours early from work so you can do something for your business? It seems to me that he is the main provider here & it's not actually that easy to leave work early when you have a job & a boss & set hours. He is unlikely to be doing a tonne of overtime just for shits and giggles so it says to me he's either doing it for extra money or because of pressures at work .. which would also say to me the added pressure of having to make sure he is available as/when you need him to so you can do your little business & having you telling him he's not doing enough probably is just adding extra stress to him. Saying about how he does work / overtime/ golf makes it sound like he is choosing to do all the work and then how dare he take a little time to decompress if he golfs. I get it that you also deserve time but I'm assuming SAHM was your choice, also do you not have daycare you can put them in a few hours a week? You & your partner deserve to be equal and your son deserves a happy healthy home but if he's doing all the work, doing overtime & helping with the kid when he's around it sounds to me like the poor guy is stretched pretty thin. Personally as a single mother who works their tush off daily I understand the struggles of work, raising a child, home chores & burnout so I get things are hard for you but you seem to want the moon on a stick from this man
I see exactly what you’re saying, but what I didn’t mention in the original post and is hard to communicate is that my husband’s job is VERY RELAXED. There’s no “overtime pay” and Fridays are work from home days but yet he still goes into the office. Which I get, it’s easier to work at work! But the thing is, the industry he works in and company he works for - he could go work at a coffee shop whenever he pleases if he wanted to. It’s very relaxed and there are not any set hours whatsoever. So it’s not at all a big thing when he comes home a few hours early to help me (which he’s only done ONCE). The other times he’s “watched” our son for me is on the weekends. Is he stressed at work? Sure, I’ll give him that! Aren’t we all? But he’s putting EVERYTHING on me (including house chores because he “doesn’t like doing them) during the week when he’s at work and also when he’s at home. He takes off work for his Vegas trips, with no issue what so ever. I have never once seen him stress or complain about taking off work for an event that he wants to go to - or a trip to visit his parents. But when it’s leaving work a few hours earlier, childcare is a huge problem!
But isn't your job as a SAHM to do the childcare and the chores? Are you saying to him that you don't want to be a SAHM anymore? If that's the case then surely you can look into childcare whilst you focus on work full time. It's nice that the job is relaxed & a shame he doesn't get paid for overtime but there must be a reason why he's doing it? Like he's not just doing it for the sake of it. I get that it's his child too & he should be helping out but if he is working all week & helping with the kid at the weekend, it seems fair enough that he gets a little time out and that you do the lions share of the work with the child & in the home. Also there must be a reason he goes to work instead of wfh, is it maybe easier to concentrate on doing the thing that pays the bills when he's there? I get that mumming is hard, running a house is hard & starting a business is hard, but the guy sounds like he's stretched thin as it is
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Golf is strictly a fun activity here for him, at least at this point. I see where you’re coming from because eventually I assume he grows in his position at work he could have the opportunity to do that. But right now golf is 100% just a fun thing to do.
You started your post saying you're a full time SAHM. If your husband was full time when you made that decision, he's probably expecting to be responsible for financially supporting the family. INFO: When you decided to put more time and effort into your business, did you discuss the extra time commitments that this would require from your husband? If he doesn't have something worked out with his employer, taking off hours early from work can jeopardize his job. Have you actually figured out a plan to deal with child care if both of you have work?
NTA, it sounds to me he doesn't respect your business/work as well. You have to nip this in the bud, you are partners, not his servant.
NTA tell your husband that if he is just a babysitter then you will pay him and he can start paying child support.
Isn’t he working to provide for her, too and their child? This is not the case that deadbeat dad doesn’t pay child support and doesn’t take care of child. And I don’t think income from her side business can afford paying for babysitter (either husband or someone else). I agree with NTA and I agree husband needs to patent, but your analogy doesn’t make sense.
NTA. He’s the father, not the babysitter. His literal job is to care for his child. It’s not a favour to the primary parent. SMH at secondary parents who act like aunties and grandparents. “I only want them for a couple of hours, then you can have them back!” You work full time as a SAHM and you have a start up. Your husband needs a real reality check about who is contributing the most here. What is your “golf”? When do you get child free time to engage in something not work related? Your child learns behaviour from both of you. Don’t let him learn that it’s not his job to actively participate in the family because “daddies only babysit”
NTA. Sounds exhausting, having to deal with two children like that.
OUR son is not only my responsibility, he is yours as well as a parent. I have had enough of you stating that you are watching him for me. If you cannot recognize that you are expected to be an equal parent with me then we have a huge problem here. I am upset, angry and hurt by your patronizing, misogynistic thinking. So what are you going to do to fix this? NTA, if he says anything remotely manipulative, gaslighting, misogynistic leave his ass!
I would get very angry when someone would say to my wife "it must be nice having a full time babysitter" as I WFH. NO, I BLOODY WELL PARENT. Mothers aren't told they babysit, it's no different for fathers. NTA and he needs re-educating
NTA. The only AH here is the child's father. Taking care of a child is more than equivalent to a full time job. He needs to pick up the slack. He's just being lazy. If he's weaponizing false incompetence then he's never going to help. You guys are parents! You should be doing half of the work each! If he's putting it all on you it's not fair at all. If it wasn't so complicated, financially stressful, and if feelings weren't involved, I'd say leave him. I'm sorry it's not as easy as that.
Yta. Be a sahm or don't. No business.
Get a sitter if you have a new business No person should ask their partner to come home 3 hours early from work on the regular ESH because clearly he could have thought of this also
I just read your post history and you need to divorce this man. Do it now while your child is young.
NTA. You don't "watch" your own kid. SAHM status doesn't mean Dad gets to collapse after working a 9 to 5 and SAHM works 24/7. When Dad is home, it's split 50/50 - and no, he doesn't get to escape every weekend if Mom doesn't also get a break.
NTA it's his son so it's not watching him for you. it's being a parent. my uncle was the same, he would say I had to miss golf to babysit the kids. my grandpa had the best response, "I never babysat my kids, I only took care of mine as i was their parent"
NTA. Your husband calls it "watching" your son because he thinks he's doing you a favor. He's not. He's a parent. Parenting is 24 hours. There are times that you, as the primary caregiver, cannot do it alone. Tell him that. Because if that's his perspective then on weekends, when he is home, treat the childcare exactly the same way he does.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Like the title says… am I the ass for getting upset every time my husband says he watches our son for me when I have to work? I am a SAHM full time but last year I started my own business and work a lot of pop up shows in our town or have to schedule photo shoots on the weekend. Sometimes, but vary rarely, I ask him if he can come home 2-3 hours early. He reluctantly agrees. Lots of huffing and puffing involved. Whenever I mention that I need more help from him so I can work more, or be less stressed about general home/life stuff (cleaning, cooking, laundry, lawn care, house care etc) he always says things like “well I do help because I watch [child’s name] for you while you work.” I never say I’ll watch our son while he goes to work, goes to play golf, works late, etc… it’s just something I do because I am a mother. He’s been doing this since our son was born, he’ll be two later this month. I’m getting so sick of this response. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Saying that is him implying it's your sole responsibility. That's so wrong. NTA I sent you this video in chat because I forgot I could post links in a comment. Lol https://youtu.be/V9eXzif5qYc?si=cFp3UX7s3MTL4e3M
NTA you need to get this sorted now. He is a parent not a babysitter!
INFO: If you split bills NTA but if he supports you financially ESH and you need to communicate nicer.
I would remind him that is called parenting and he isn't exempt from it.
Info: does your business bring money in? If yes what happens with it? What does he work and how is his work affected from coming home early regulary on short notice?
NTA Sorry - he is either a misogynist or a dick. He is a parent, not a babysitter.
NTA his the father not a babysitter the kid is his. He's not doig a favour he's being a parent
I can't imagine getting all upset over wording. I've asked my husband to watch or babysit our kid. He's never gotten in my face about being a parent and equally responsible yadda yadda. I also tell him I'm leaving, he's in charge, don't let anyone die. There are way bigger things for me to stress over. As long as he doesn't act like he's doing me a favor, what it's called is irrelevant.
This is the problem - he acts like he’s doing me a favor by “watching” him. It’s beyond the terminology. He genuinely acts like watching him is doing me a favor when he throws it in my face afterwards.
I thought I was replying to someone else's comment, not your original comment. I didn't intend to respond to your post, just all the people who get upset over a spouse calling it babysitting. But since you responded to me, here goes. Honestly, I don't understand why you are still married to this AH. He doesn't care about you and he doesn't care about your child. I sincerely doubt this is news to you or that he was super invested in your relationship before you had your child. And yet, you chose to have a kid with this tool. Choices have consequences and these are your consequences. Leaving the AH and being without you and your child will be his consequences. Complaining on Reddit solves nothing except making you feel better about your lot in life as everyone agrees he's an AH, which you already knew. Time for you to make better choices.
I totally agree with you. I am realizing I did make a poor choice to marry him, and there were a lot of red flags leading up until this point. I ignored them, or at least put blinders on believing that he would change like he promised and promised he would (even before we walked down the aisle). So you’re right here, I made a poor decision and these are the consequences. I think having a child was what really opened my eyes to what I settled for VS what I deserve.
>As long as he doesn't act like he's doing me a favor, what it's called is irrelevant Did you not read the post? Pretty annoying that the exact caveat you make is her actual issue. OP’s husband says: well I do help because I watch [child’s name] for you while you work
I was actually responding to a response to the original post. Not the original post itself.
NTA You can't "watch" a child that came out of you. It's called parenting.
NTA but he is.
NTA, you basically ask him to do his "parenting" job, and what you have being doing all the time. And him being all annoyed about it is just gaslighting to make you think your demands are crazy, and to make sure you won't ask again.
I feel like it's common courtesy to make sure your partner is okay being the sole parent if it's not scheduled in advance. I often check with mine to make sure she's okay with caring for her dog and snail by herself. HOWEVER, it's a courtesy that he clearly no longer has a right to, since he apparently is one of those "can't wait to go home and ignore my children," dads from the '50s. Obviously NTA (I suspect you already know this and are using this sub as a way to gain validation, which is totally cool, because you have this guy contributing the bare minimum he can so his wife doesn't leave him) He really needs a kick in the rear to get him in gear
Nta. He's a parent not a babysitter. This is such a classic dick husband move.
I’ll just go sarcastic and say: Guess I’m [son’s name]’s only parent. Thanks for doing me the favour. [Son] will call you uncle then.
NTA. It's not babysitting when it's your own kid
NTA. I had to correct my hubby on this one, and it took a while, but he no longer uses those phrases. I just told him he is a parent. He is not babysitting or watching the kids for me. He’s the dad. Again, I reminded him a few times, and his perspective changed.
NTA. I used to work with an absolute AH doctor who would occasionally mention “babysitting” his own 3 children. He got an earful from us.
NTA. But start reminding him you’re happy to watch his son while he works. And stop feeling guilty- he can huff and puff all he wants. He’ll stop.
Info: what's the financial agreement here? You say you are a stay at home mother, while you also work. Something doesn't add up. If you are a SAHM and watching your child is the part you do while he works, he indeed watches him for you as it's your job and he can't do his in that time.
YTA for letting his attitude slide for 2 years. The firs time he said "watch" you should have shut that down, He has a horrible idea of what being a parent is.
INFO: What are you asking him to come home 2-3 hours early from? Work? Or his own personal time?
NTA. He needs to have lessons in fathering.
Nta it's not "watching" it's parenting
NTA - the child is both of yours therefore there is no ‘helping you by watching my own kid’. No fella that’s just called parenting your own kid and that is expected to happen every day not just when you fancy it. As for the huffing and puffing when he needs to change his life for you to work, he’s just being an ah. He probably doesn’t want you to work so he can just leave the housework and all the childcare to you and live his life mostly unchanged by parenthood.
INFO: Does the Lord of the Manor actually do anything around the house? Or is it expected that his wife the servant does it all?
No he doesn’t. After years of fighting he will reluctantly do some, but it’s not even worth it TBH. He half asses everything around the house so I just do it anyway.
You two need to talk out the responsibilities with your change in work activities. If there was some tacit or explicit agreement that you would be a SAHM and he would be the breadwinner, he may be assuming that childcare is still your responsibility and that you're not keeping up your end of the agreement. His comments sound passive-aggressive about the change. In the end, finding a neighborhood SAHM with whom to drop off the kid may be the solution for all.
I hate this for you, and I fear it's only going to get worse. In my mind, you have two options. Get your husband on board for a more equitable division of all things domestic- and don't assume it's all your job. Tell him exactly how you feel and banish the word "babysitting" or "watching for you" from your family vocabulary. OR Do the exact thing he's doing to you, to him. When he wants to do anything outside work, say "ok, I'll watch the kid for you." The FOR YOU part is key. Anytime you do anything for the house, say you did it to help him out - I mowed the lawn for you, I helped out with the laundry, I helped you by folding those clothes, or I ran those errands for you." That way he HAS to say thank you. Maybe then he'll get how unfair he's being? Anyway, it sounds maddening, he's got the attitude that it's all your job- the house, the kid, everything domestic because he WORKS that's all he's gotta do. Nip this in the bud now or you'll end up resenting him. Good luck!
Its not babysitting when you are the father!!!
Hire a cleaner to come in once a week. De-stress your life. Stop taking on all the mental load for the family. Carve out some time for you and your work. Ignore your husband's graceless response about "watching" your child, he's just trying to make you feel bad for imposing on him. NTA but every once in a while when he asks for something, tell him you are watching/taking care of/feeding his son so you don't have time. ')
Have you called him on it yet? If not, why not?
Nta your husband is a horrible.himam.being and shit father
Start talking like he does and let him hear how insane he sounds
NTA for getting upset but YTA for letting it happen for 2 years. You need to have a serious talk about it, now, before your kid starts accepting that this is normal. Ask him if he has doubts about him not being the father and is that why he’s addressing him that way and behaving & acting the way does.
NTA Time for a serious sit-down where you present him with a list of everything you do - childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, organize the calendar, etc, and discuss equality in your home. Do this now. He needs to understand that managing a home is just as tiring as managing an outside job except it’s more frustrating because you don’t even get pais. Not only can you not go on like this but he’s being an awful role model for your son.
I don’t believe there’s an AH in this situation, just communication that needs to be had, that’s all.
My question is: Do you actually make money on your business? Subtracting taxes, gas and expenses, how much do you actually earn per hour? If it's a great deal, your husband is being a jerk. If it's negligible / MLM stuff, and he's being asked to leave his presumably well paying job (that allows his partner to be a SAHM) to come home, then I understand the eye rolling. Same with house chores. If you earn a lot from your gig, then yes he should step up more to support that greater income to the family. But if he's now doing a lot more cooking and cleaning so you can faff around with a 'business' that is more like a hobby, then I'm kind of on his side. BUT. No father should characterize the time spent with their own child as watching him for the spouse. That's wrong and you're very right to correct him on it.
My parents always called it babysitting duty when one of them was in charge while the other was out having fun. And they kept it pretty even. Parenting meant one was working and the other was home ensuring the house was clean and we were alive. We like babysitting because that was fun time all around. Sometimes a trip the amusement park was involved, sometimes games around the table. Things babysitters do, not parents. I still remember “babysitting” with my parents with joy.
NTA. Call him out on this bull! In my house we call it solo parenting.
NTA Understandeble He is not parenting but babysitting
Jesus people here have a stick up their ass sometimes. His terminology is slightly rude, you guys should talk about it and it should be a simple thing. People saying to divorce him are crazy. However in this case ESH He could use better terminology. And you don’t seem to appreciate him leaving work early so you can do your side gig. The terms you used were “huffing and puffing” and “reluctantly” Both of you are using words the other doesn’t appreciate. So you’re both slightly T A
Well, wouldn’t you be upset when you do kindly ask your husband for help (before committing to the event) if he can help his first response is “yeah of course do it!” But when it comes to the day of his attitude is incredibly annoyed and irritated that he “has to” help me a reason to feel like he’s huffing and puffing?
Why are you putting up with this? You have a husband who doesn't want to participate with caring for his child. A husband who doesn't want to do any housework chores because he doesn't like to. A husband who doesn't want you to work because it would inconvenience him. What does he provide that's so valuable? Have you thought about marriage counselling because this won't improve on its own. You are upset and need to have a plan on how to change the dynamics here.
Okay so looking back at your post history this is obviously a reoccurring issue. The way I see it, he thinks you’re a stay at home mom and your home business is a fun hobby and you view it as work. The only way I think this goes well is if you guys just enroll your son in daycare/preschool. I’m not really sure if it’ll fix the issues but it’s worth a shot. Especially if I believe I read that counseling isn’t going to happen and you guys can’t get some type of mediator.
Was he enthusiastic about becoming a dad? Sounds like he might be someone who didn't necessarily want kids but did it anyway. Also sounds like he fundamentally views childrearing as "women's work". Doubt that will change. Anyway, NTA.
That huffing and puffing is him pissed about losing money for you to go play pretend while he sustains your way of life.
Oh man, lol. He’s not loosing money. He’s on salary and continues to work from home. Running a small business is not pretend. I pay taxes just like other business do, so it’s a legal entity. I’m not selling lemonade on the corner.
Divorce, get half of custody and then he’ll have to watch his child half a time for himself. I’m exaggerating of course, but I would be mad too!!!! Couple therapy maybe? Ask a friend with other views to explain? I don’t know what to advice, but I know I would have explain him that divorce is on the table, because this would be the only way for you to get more time to develop your business and be independent, and not be his servant.
He'll dump the kid on his mother or his girlfriend.
NTA I think you need a larger discussion about how much free time each of you gets and how much time each of you is spending with your child He’d be told you’re not a babysitter you’re a parent each and every time if it was me But your approach is currently failing to fix this How important is this to you ? How far do you want to go ? There are lots of things you can do I suggest you could tell him you want therapy because your relationship as a couple, as a family, as parents of a child together is not sustainable as it is This is not what you signed up for when you agreed to be a stay at home mom - that is not what it means Does he like you being a SAHM ? You could tell him if you go back to work what that might mean for the family dynamic You could shock him and tell him if this isn’t solved then your relationship is at risk and there won’t be any further children There is a lot you can do - but I think at the moment he thinks you’re a SAHM it’s all your job and he’s doing you a favour watching his LO
NTA - but did you forgot that you have a mouth and a voice? and then you have a skill called communication :P use it with you husband
I am, on a regular basis. Using my voice causes huge blow out arguments. Which is why I am asking - am I the asshole for asking for his help?
Stupid to assume she hasn’t talked to her husband
Why did you agree to be a sahm in the first place? He absolutely views his child as your responsibility and an inconvenience That's what happens when you agree to be a sahm You need to redress the balance and remind him being a husband and father comes with equal parenting responsibility
I actually never did. And before we had kids, he never wanted me to be a SAHM. But now that I am one, I think he realizes it’s a huge convenience and saves him a ton in childcare. He’s even told me (before I started a business) to not go get a job because he was worried it would effect our sons wellbeing, even though we could use the money and I needed the freedom and independence. So that’s why I started my own business so I could do both, work from home and raise my son.
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We agreed that I would stay home for 6-9 months, at most a year. And then I would go back to work! However - when our son was born I really quick realized how little he helped with nothing. On top of childcare, I manage the house, cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, dogs, etc. the list could go on and on. So that’s why now, almost two years later, I haven’t gone back because I can’t imagine what our home would look like if I went back to work and I can’t even find the time to manage to get back into the mindset of applying for jobs. I rarely can even find time for quiet self care time. And before anyone asks. If I did go back to work my husband wouldn’t pick up the slack of what I have been doing. He’s said several times that he doesn’t care if our house is messy. He doesn’t clean up after himself ever, not even making the bed. Picking up his dirty clothes, doing his own dishes. If I didn’t clean, I can only imagine the filth out we would live in. Floors covered in dirt and mud, cabinets and appliances covered in crusted food, fridge sticking to hell because he leaves his leftovers uncovered in there. Doesn’t even bother to organize food in there and wipe the fridge down when things spill. He just throws everything in like it’s a bottomless pit.
Then let it build up. This man has probably been dependent on people for so long. Let him learn. NTA
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What is market stalls?
ESH. If the agreement was that you would be a SAHM and he would work, starting a business that impacts his career isn't great. Some jobs aren't very flexible in that way and it doesn't seem like you both discussed this ahead of time. But also, it is his son too, and it shouldn't count as "watching" him.
To be fair, OP said nothing about whether or not her husbands work was impacted by his needing to be a parent. Even if he did, parenting is still his responsibility whether or not his wife is a SAHM, and whether or not he has inflexible working arrangements. He should have considered that before he became a parent. Op is NTA here, her husband very firmly is.
She also said nothing about whether she discussed starting her own business with him beforehand and the impact that would have on their family. If they had agreed on a division of labor, and he'd made arrangements at work based on that, she would be TA for changing them.
Op >well I do help because I watch [child’s name] for you while you work.” And if it isn't working for him, he can communicate how they all can improve. He was also there when whatever system they had started dragging. But a father should never watch or babysit his child *for* his wife. That is insulting to the hard work she does of taking care of him around the clock. That is the problem here. I'm not arguing further because I'm not trying to change your mind. Do you
I mean I agreed the husband is TA for that reason.
maybe he thinks it’s your job to watch the kid and it’s his job to provide ( that’s just how some men think )
Well those men better get their heads out of their butts.
and that would be wrong
Yes would be wrong