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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) the action was telling my GF to calm herself down.
(2) it might make me thr asshole because it makes her feel I am only with her when she is happy.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
I am a victim of emotional abuse. I don't know what is going on with your GF, but the end result is that she is emotionally abusing you.
Doubt me? Take [this quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?>) from loveisrespect.org.
Everything here feels like a series of tests she is throwing at you to prove that you love her and care for her above all else. She essentially wants you to cancel a work trip to show that she matters more to you.
Of course you shouldn't cancel a work trick. And no, it is not your job to calm her down. A 40 year old adult should be responsible for themselves and their emotions.
I just took it and answered about my previous relationship.
I got a 54 :/
Edit: to everyone commenting below me, I’m sending you the biggest hug. I’m proud of all of you for getting out.
If you haven’t gotten out, there is still time.
Yea I did the same with my ex, scored right about where you did. It took me a long time to say it out loud to anyone, but she was verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative.
Hope you're doing ok now, we deserve better
It was over a decade ago, and I have an indefinite restraining order and a fake address. Things have been quiet!
It’s funny, I took all the emo/verbal abuse until it turned physical. It’s weird how we can see physical abuse in such black and white terms, but we cannot identify emo/verbal abuse until it’s so overwhelming that it can’t be ignored. A creeping normalcy, where you wind up not even recognizing yourself or how you got to where you are.
Sending hugs to you, hope things are better for you! I’m so glad you got out!
Much better than I was about a year ago.
Somehow stuck with her for over a year after she screamed at me to go fucking k*** myself. Yea, that should have been the end. Looking back, how was I that blind...
Therapy was cool, I'm in a much better place and a week away from moving to a new state and starting fresh :)
To me is the same as our communal outlook on mental health. Physical abuse, like physically being ill, has proof and things you can point to that people can see and quantify. Mental illness, and verbal/ emotional abuse... well you're just too sensitive. Grow a pair.
It's getting better with each new generation, but only slowly. I recognize that my mental issues are real, but have a hard time doing anything about them because I grew up in the boys don't cry, just get over it generation.
I got a 90...... I'm sobbing. Its been years since I dated this person but when my now partner is nice to me and doesn't yell at me over something I tear up.
We went to brunch last weekend and I didn't want to get drinks bc the last time I did I remembered my ex yelling at me so intensely. 🙃
We went camping and I forgot the air mattress, I was so scared to tell him but he laughed, same for when we forgot the tent. I can't even imagine how that would have gone with the ex. I'm so glad we found partners worthy of us 🙌
Shortly after I moved in with the woman who I would later marry, we were folding laundry and I came across a pair of her emotionally abusive ex-husband's underwear and I said something about how it wasn't mine and handed it to her. Her face became so pale because she had expected I was going to accuse her of cheating on me (he had cheated on her). It was only a few seconds before she realized that the thought had not even crossed my mind, but I could sense the panic.
I got a 1 for my current, two-decades long marriage. Compared to my ex at 71, it's bliss. The one was that he sometimes doesn't listen. I can take a bit of drifting attention from time to time. Frankly, I'm not always a perfect listener, either, if I'm preoccupied.
Ex had quite a lot in common with OP's GF.
Holy shit I’m so sorry. You are safe now?
From my other response:
>It’s funny, I took all the emo/verbal abuse until it turned physical. It’s weird how we can see physical abuse in such black and white terms, but we cannot identify emo/verbal abuse until it’s so overwhelming that it can’t be ignored. A creeping normalcy, where you wind up not even recognizing yourself or how you got to where you are.
Yeah, emotional abuse is very misunderstood. I spent fourteen years in an emotionally abusive marriage. I’ve been divorced since 2018 (moved out almost a year before that), and it’s still hard for me to admit that it was emotionally abusive. Most of my friends and family were really supportive of my decision to leave, but it still blows my mind how many people have said to me, “at least he didn’t hit you.” And yeah, I’m GLAD he didn’t hit me, but he still managed to do a TON of damage to me.
Yes I’m fine now. I hope you are too!
It just makes me sad to look back. He convinced me that I made him do these things and I questioned my own sanity because I couldn’t understand how. I’m glad that I’m out of there.
Got a 0 with my current relationship.
**Hugs**
I took it, not knowing what type of score I’d get. The 93 I got really shocked me. Glad I saw the light and ended it a long time ago, but it truly shocked me to score so highly.
I know we don’t know each other from Adam, but I’m proud of you for getting out of your former relationship. We all deserve so much better.
Edit: typo
Mine is 43, but many of the things I answered ‘no’ to he used as weapons. Polite, yes, like a sword. Jealous of me, no, but tried to make me Jealous. No screaming- silent treatment. Etc. I am just now realizing how mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive he was/is. It’s hard to admit that it happened to me- I’m supposed to be smarter than that. Thank gods for therapy!
Similar for me. He didn't break things "in order to intimidate me" but things-- especially of mine-- would accidentally break often, when I wasn't around, with some kind of plausible story. It happened more frequently when he was upset with me. It took a long time to piece that all together though. I clicked on that one anyway because, with distance I know he was trying to intimidate and control me but when I was in that relationship I wouldn't have considered saying yes because he wasn't breaking things in front of me in order to freak me out. Or, he didn't outright say no one else would want me, but he did often boost up how great he was to still find me attractive even though I had stretch marks now or whatever the current thing he wanted to criticize was. The effect is the same, but harder to call out.
I was surprised that I only scored a 9 with mine. But I noticed that the questions only really focused on really _obvious_ abuse.
It didn’t address things like silent treatment, withholding affection/intimate moments, etc. Or when they say one thing but their actions show otherwise. Outwardly to the public, my husband speaks the right words to look so supportive, and even says those same words to my face, but then his actions never match and he puts up roadblocks everywhere on my path. He doesn’t need to break my things when he lets the kids do it with no supervision or parenting. I wish there was a more comprehensive test that even broke it down into the types.
I got 46. I knew it wasn't healthy or right, but I felt like I had no escape/reason to leave. A friend saw and set me up with someone new...he became my escape.
I took it regarding a previous relationship. I wasn't expecting it to say, "5 or more points and you may be in an abusive relationship." *Five?* I scored a 49. She married a soldier and has had 2 kids now.
Getting a 55 and seeing that the rating system only went up to 5 was more jarring than I expected.
It didn't seem as bad at the time, but looking back, I see more and more how bad things really were and how lucky I was to get out when i did. I very nearly married that person and I'm grateful every single day that I didn't.
Now, looking back, some of the things I allowed/put up with makes me sick to my stomach.
I thought that since they never put hands on me, that it wasn't abusive.
Hah, wrong.
If you're reading this and feel like it's too late for you to get out, it's not. It's never too late to escape. If you need help getting out, please reach out to a trusted person. If you don't have one, please feel free to dm me. I'm also pretty sure you can call 911 and say you want to order a pizza and they'll send you help.
It's not too late to get out.
Oh yeah. OP absolutely can't win with this woman.
"Why don't you ever take me on your work trips!" He makes plans to take her on a work trip.
"I feel bad but I guess I don't have a choice about going on this trip." They go on trip.
"Why didn't you get the kind of accommodations I require!" OP offers to change hotels.
"No!"
OP changes rooms to accommodate her, at a financial loss. She gets even angrier.
OP attends conference--*the reason for the* ***work*** trip--she gets angry at being "left alone" and berates him for not cancelling trip and for ignoring her by attending the WORK conference.
She threatens that she'll never go on another work trip with him again. But if he doesn't invite her anymore, she'll be right back to complaining about how he never takes her with him on his work trips. And if he takes her again, she'll complain and completely ruin it again.
She is a drama queen and a serial complainer.
I think she was so angry when he changed rooms because she wanted the no private bathroom to be a reason to demand he cancel the trip and take her home, and if he didn't she could complain that he chose work over her and he wanted to force her to stay there when he knows she can't...
I’ve taken this quiz with my current relationship in mind and my former relationship. My ex? Something like a 50. My current fiancé? 0. Fucking 0. Do you know how much happier and lighter and taken care of and respected I feel with this man? So much.
I also grew up with an emotionally abusive father (which is why I thought being called “a stupid bitch” for every minor thing I did was normal), so I feel you on the knee jerk reactions.
My fiancé was fixing our bathroom sink the other day. He dropped something accidentally and simply muttered “damnit” under his breath. Totally normal human reaction. Wasn’t anything more than that.
But it’s like my brain zoomed back to being a small child and a single “damnit” being a precursor to a screaming, slamming, throwing things (that were never his, were always my mom’s or us kids’) mantrum over the dumbest shit. That kind of trauma permanently changes your brain, and it’s HARD to re-regulate.
But I’ve been with my fiancé for 15 years, and have been in therapy for much longer. It’s STILL a struggle. Let me tell you we had a discussion about that visceral reaction in my following therapy session, haha.
My husband was removing tempered glass from an old door this past weekend. It slipped, shattered, and he said shit.
I was sitting on the porch about 15 feet away. I caught myself shrinking down and freezing. My ex would have found a way for it to be my fault and punished me for it, and I realized I was bracing for it. 15 years later... and it still happens before I can catch myself.
I just acknowledge the reaction and remind myself it's no longer necessary.
I have this from both sides. I had to get over automatically bracing for my father's anger, and now I get to watch my partner brace for mine, because of their father. The look in their eyes when I don't melt down is...indescribable. Then they exhale.
My fiancé’s relationship with his father is RIDICULOUSLY warm and healthy, and it was so weird for me at first. Like “Wait, your father isn’t constantly angry about something? What’s that like?”
Yes, I was going to comment this as well. That girlfriend is very abusive. It's like living with a ticking time bomb watching your every step. OP leave, you will be much happier. Ask for help from your loved one if you need that to leave.
I'm a happily married man and scored a 23.
Maybe it doesn't apply to marriage. My wife is naturally risk adverse and an introvert while I'm the opposite so we clash a lot on that front, but she is the sweetest and most supportive woman I've ever met. Sometimes I want to take crazy risks and she will pull me back into a more realistic trajectory. Sometimes I involve myself in too much, taking away from the important things in life, and she suggests getting rid of a few to make it more manageable. I chose her because she takes care of me in ways I don't prioritize, and vice versa.
Yes, I also had an emotionally abusive relationship and this post reminds me a lot of my ex's behavior-- expecting OP to read her mind, refusing to communicate clearly about what she wants/needs and then getting angry when he doesn't guess correctly, the hidden tests, the unreasonable threats (e.g. to leave in the middle of the night thousands of miles from home) putting OP in a position where he feels he *has* to cater to her and calm her down...
I have never seen that site before and I'm scared to take it bc I'm involved also with a woman scarily close in ages to OP and she also has emotional regulation issues and those come out ways that hurt me regularly. But I always justify it bc I know she's got issues and I shouldn't hold them against her.
Take the quiz.
Here is the thing about issues. They may explain poor behavior, but they don’t excuse it.
If she is mistreating you, she is not a good partner no matter what the reason is.
Almost all people who mistreat or abuse their partners have issues: past trauma, mental health problems, etc.
You can simultaneously understand why your girlfriend behaves the way she does *and* have boundaries against being treated badly.
No one should get a free pass on hurting the people they supposedly love, ever. No matter how much they themselves might be hurting, it's not ever okay.
This just sounds weird. Does she have any legit diagnoses that would explain her acting this way?
NTA this isn’t a pleasure trip and I can’t imagine my partner acting this way.
She refuses treatment for her OCD. She is not officialy diagnosed... but we live together and I cannot touch the fridge. So, something is very wrong. I just gave up after a while.
This isn’t about OCD, it’s about respect. An OCD diagnosis doesn’t come with a stack of free passes to treat people like shit and expect they tolerate it.
Last trip with my partner we got to the hotel and it looked beautiful. Inside the rooms were a different story, and she had a mini meltdown and was suggesting we do different hotel, etc. But all of her frustration was directed at the hotel staff and how we could resolve it, not blaming me for the situation. And certainly not getting even more mad at me for fixing the situation.
…she had a moment, took some time to calm herself, accepted the situation and we had a great weekend.
To be clear: you got the room upgraded so she had what she needs to feel more comfortable, and this escalated her anger?
What were the previous work trip fights about that you thought you were preventing by bringing her along?
The previous work trips she got mad because I left her alone. One of those was a international conference where I would be a speaker and she asked me "If I tell you not to go, would you stay?". I politely said no, that was a fight.
Out of those 5 trips, 4 were international conferences so she couldn't go for visa issues. Only one of those was local and I was just so sick of her at the time that I just needed to get away from her ( 2 years ago, things have gotten much better ).
Look, I'm a 36 yo woman, and once you hit your 30s, there's a time you have to tell yourself, you are too damn old to be acting like this. And that applies here to her. This sounds exhausting and draining, just cut your losses. You don't need her dragging you down like this. Constantly fighting and making you the cause of all the reasons why she's in a bad mood is emotional abuse. You can do better, my dude, don't let her break you down because it sounds like that's what she's doing.
Dude, she is demanding you tank your career to prove you love her and prioritize her above all else. All of those instances where she's picking fights is her being mad her power plays aren't working. Run away.
You said in another comment you're not allowed to touch the fridge. In what I assume is your own home. Unless i misunderstood, you're not allowed to have access to food in your own home. This is your version of better? This isn't a good or normal relationship in any way.
> ( 2 years ago, things have gotten much better ).
... You say, while posting on an internet forum about her abhorrent behavior and being repeatedly told she is emotionally abusing you.
Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? You don't get any of this time back, you know.
What is she bringing to the relationship? Do you have a kink for older women? Because she seems like a manipulative 🏖️ that just want to use you and abuse you. NTA, except to yourself
My guy, she is 41 and has been acting this way to you for years if I'm reading that correctly. She is out of line, borderline if not outright abusive (emotionally if not physically) and she isn't going to improve. You are 34, do not waste the rest of your life putting up with this, because you really dont have to.
The s3x isn’t that good. Be honest. Be a man and stop taking this treatment from her. Somebody will actually be kind and good to you. But you’ll never find her if you can’t let go of people like this and set boundaries.
Dude! You're speaking at an international conference - your partner should be proud of you for doing well in your field and applauding your success not trying to undermine it.
I think maybe it’s time to consider giving up the rest of the way.
NTA. You are absolutely correct that it is your GF’s job to regulate her own emotions, not yours. Your job is to take care of your own needs and your own peace of mind, so I’d ask you - is this relationship doing that for you as it stands right now?
Someone with serious mental health problems can take years to get to a healthier place when they’re actively working on it. She’s not even at that point yet. How many years are you willing to put up with this?
The biggest problem I see here, one that is probably not fixable, is that your GF is inherently selfish. That’s separate from any mental health problems. An unselfish person with the same issues would still have reacted badly but wouldn’t be blaming you or insisting that you should have canceled an entire work trip instead of just staying home herself.
You can't touch the FRIDGE? It's your home. This is completely unreasonable. But back to the issue at hand: NTA. Picking fights because you either can't read her mind or aren't catering to her every immediate whim isn't OCD. It's emotional manipulation. She *wants* you to give up. To cave. To apologize. You say you hadn't had a fight in the last 6 months, but is that because you were compromising partners or you were bending over backwards to keep the peace? Because there's a big difference. She's trying to put the onerous task of "calming her down" on you which is just another minefield of "you're doing it wrong and now I'm even madder."
I mean she doesn't let you touch YOUR FRIDGE. Restricting free access to food you pay for should be a dealbreaker alone.
OP...I am currently not on meds for my OCD...this behavior is unacceptable. Your girlfriend is emotionally abusive, full stop. I have never screamed or berated my partner like that in the 16 years I have been with him. OCD doesn't remove my ability to speak like a respectful adult and my anxiety doesn't make me rage at people. Whether I am medicated or not. And if she is undiagnosed...she is using a theoretical diagnosis which might not even be true. What is "wrong" is she is abusive, period.
There is a massive difference between OCD and control issues (could be OCPD, but not gonna diagnose anyone over the internet). If she refuses to get diagnosed and/or treated, that’s on her. I’m not saying she may not have a mental illness, but the issues you described are not excused or explained by that. I take massive issue with people who use mental illness as an excuse for shitty behaviour. She also has a responsibility to work on herself if that’s the case. All of this is abusive, OP.
Source: mental health professional
She is just abusive. Mental illness is not mutually exclusive with abuse. The abuse is a choice. Plenty of people with mental health diagnoses don’t abuse their partners.
And while she needs help, how much are you willing to derail your own mental wellbeing to ‘help’ the mental wellbeing of someone who doesn’t care about yours?
This is abuse dude not OCD. OCD would be needing items in certain places or having to do certain actions in a row, not forbidding you from access to food. Do you have to ask permission to eat? To bath? To relax and watch tv?
So what do you do if you can't touch the fridge? Do you have to wait on her to open it and handle everything? Maybe it's not about ocd but more about controlling you.
If your not allowed to touch the fridge or other things that's not a life I want to live. How can you wait around on her to be in a good mood for her to touch the fridge so your able to get things out.
Honestly she sounds very toxic. You can't go on work trips because she gets angry at you. It's a work trip not a vacation.
She goes on your work trip but doesn't want you to attend the work conference but gets angry at you like it's your fault when it is. She gets angry you leave her alone to attend very important work things once again it's a work trip not her vacation. She knew what the trip was about but she expects you to do what she says or she gets angry at you.
She gets mad because your spouse to drop everything because she doesn't feel well? Do you not see she's playing games with you and trying to manipulate you into thinking all of this is your fault when your only trying to be responsible and do your job.
She picks fights with you for every little thing she has no control over or when she doesn't get her way.
Yes bringing her was a mistake. No you shouldn't have to cancel a work trip because of her.
Wait, wait. Why would you cancel the trip? This was a work trip, was it not? Not an optional junket like it was for your GF who could have just not gone, if she really felt so unwell.
But your GF went, anyway. Because it sounds like while this trip may have been a vacation for her, she also felt it was her *job* to make your trip about her, and she was going to do her best! If you were stressed or miserable, well, that’s the price of taking her, and if course she is well worth it, (in her opinion).
Of course you went on to the conference! Like, duh! Isn’t the conference the whole reason you are in this trip?
OP, you had a frank conversation with your GF and she didn’t wanna hear it. You should put her on the first available plane or train home and go about your business. She was acting like a child, and you don’t need that. NTA
Based on her behavior on this trip, OP's mistake is a lot deeper than inviting her with him (which was definitely a mistake to be clear).
These are responses that a healthy adult does not make. OP needs to reevaluate whether she's right for him. Hard to imagine he could not do better.
NTA, but run! She is treating you horribly.
And it doesn’t matter if she has some psychological issues. You still don’t have to put up with this.
Please take care of yourself and end the relationships. She is awful
"I asked her what was wrong and if she felt fine for travel. She said "I don't know". "What choice do I have?"."
She could have chosen to stay home. Looks like she was already setting up to play the victim...
* Why didn't I cancel my trip when she was feeling bad before?
* To "ignore her and go to the conference".
Why cancel your *work* trip?
The trip ***was a work conference*** - WTF did she think you all were there for?
Honestly, there's a whole lot more going than OCD. She's acting like a victim in every scenario, even when there is no reason (ie getting her own washroom made her even angrier??)
NTA but your relationship sounds like a nightmare!
NTA
* She could have just not gone if she was not feeling well. If she was sick, she might even be eligible for a refund. Even if she could't get a refund, the airline would probably offer some sort of voucher she could use to get away later.
* She was perfectly aware that this was a work trip and that you would need to attend work events. If that made her uncomfortable, she never should have agreed to come with you in the first place.
* Sure, you should have made sure you had a private bath in the first place, but you fixed that—and she got angry at you for fixing it!
That last point, especially, leads me to believe that this is out-and-out abuse, not just extreme frailty.
I read over the ages and was sure this was a 28m/22f kind of thing but THAT WOMAN IS FOURTY!!??
Jesus there is no hope at all of her improving in any way this is a proper grown up.
I cannot imagine putting up with that I hope you find the strength to leave her
NTA. Your gf sounds like a lot. She picks fights when you go on business trips without her and she picks fights when you take her with you. You can’t win — she just picks fights. Over everything. She gaslights you into considering that maybe you’re the bad guy because you only like her when she’s happy, and that when she’s unhappy it’s your fault and your job to fix it. She needs professional help. Do you like living with someone who is constantly causing drama over everything? Especially over your business trips that you need to do for work? You are absolutely right that it’s not for you to calm her down when she seems hell-bent on always winding herself up.
NTA. You're dating a woman who never grew up, my man. I travel for work several times a year and always bring my family along, kids and all. My wife wouldn't ever try to sabotage my work trip, that's how we get money ffs. Find a better partner that doesn't have their head stuck up their ass.
NTA, are you sure that you have a girlfriend? Usually we connect with people who care about us and make our lives better and not just complain and fight all the time, what's the point in your relationship when no matter what you do she is unhappy and drags you down with her?
NTA...the only mistake you made was taking her with you. This is an abusive relationship. I would think long and hard about remaining in this situation.
NTA. You were on a business trip. It sounds like she's testing you very unfairly, like you're supposed to read her mind about whether she wants to tag along on your business trip. It sounds like the only time you're not fighting is if you walk on eggshells around her to not upset her. Is this relationship worth it?
NTA. Honestly, I’m scratching my head about a lot of this. She’s clearly unstable and anxious attachment. But, the big thing is you’re in a weird and abusive relationship with a woman seven years older than you that’s not going anywhere. Yes, there’s a double standard for age gaps, but why aren’t you with a younger woman with less drama? A woman that you can have a future with? And a family, perhaps.
Oooof. She has emotional regulation problems just as you said. I struggle with this as well and had to learn (thanks to my very strong willed bf) that I need to say what I mean and mean what I say. If I say “leave me alone” he’s going to leave me alone and if I make a stink about him doing exactly what I said, that’s on me and borders in manipulation. I never consciously tried to play mind games and it was frustrating for me to, to learn to think before I speak and realize when I was the cause of my own frustration. It took my bf being strong willed and never giving into my shit for me to realize how ridiculous I was being. Had he given into it, even once, it wouldn’t have helped. Did he have to stick by me through those few moments? No. Did he? Yes, because we love each other a ton. But I’m not ignorant to the fact that not everyone has the patience of a saint like him. It’s since gotten soooo much better and now I only say what I mean. On the other hand though, her multiple tantrums over small details are unrelated and absolutely ridiculous of which I can’t relate to. I think for that, it boils down to how much you wanna stick by her while she (hopefully) attempts to improve her behaviour. At her age, this is likely something she’s always dealt with, and you’re probably not the first man to struggle with her. I do wish you luck. 🫡
ETA: emotional regulation problems for me are related to complex childhood trauma and ADHD. It requires active and conscious hard work to overcome. Usually with therapy. Lol. If she doesn’t want to work on it, I recommend you let her go. I’m 30, for context.
NTA. She sounds miserable. Complaining that she doesn't get to come to work with you? Ridiculous. Complaining you didn't skip work because she wasn't feeling up to it? Ridiculous. 41 and unable to regulate her emotions? She might need professional help.
NTA
Your girlfrien is an emotional vampire. She feeds on your good/positive energy to try and sap you dry. She is placing the burden of her emotions AND managing them on you and that not fair or right.
Leave the b—ch at home permanently by breaking up with this miserable harpie. At this age, she’s learned this kind of behavior gets her what she wants and isn’t likely to change.
NTA. She’s an adult that is clearly emotionally immature and this is not something that can be fixed in a short amount of time. Do yourself a favor and think long and hard whether YOU want to continue dealing with this. It’s clear she hasn’t done anything to age 41, to better understand herself and actions.
NTa. Although how long do you usually go for your trips? She‘s the one complaining you’re not bringing her on your trips and then you used your own money to accommodate her and now SHE’s mad? you’re here for work to make money, not for a vacation, she should suck it up you even invitied her to come. Is she treated and diagnosed with any mental issues?
NTA I hope that was a typo and you meant ex-GF. She is insufferable - manipulative, controlling, has "main character syndrome", uncaring, selfish, self-centered and the list goes on. The question isnt whether you are the AH. The question is why you remain with someone who clearly mistreats you. She actually thought you should cancel on your work trip because SHE wasnt feeling well at the AIRPORT? I should add insane to the list, or maybe she has low iq. Im guessing you gf has never had a career or she would know that canceling your work trip while at the airport wouldn't be a good option unless you had a serious emergency. In my opinion whatever you think you are getting out of the relationship is not worth the abuse she is tossing out continually. I dont care if her looks are a 10 and if sex is the best ever, its not worth it because she treats you terribly. I simply cannot imagine why you would choose to remain with someone who doesnt value you, who doesnt care about you or your feelings or your career. All she cares about is herself.
Nta and don't regret anything. This is a very important lesson. They say you don't know your partner until you've travelled with them.
Now you know what she's like. She's not a good travel partner, she can't handle stress and when she's uncomfortable she lashes out at you and is incapable of working as a team to solve a problem. You now have 2 options, break up or couples counselling.
Given that she's picked a fight with you when you've not taken her to these things either... I have a feeling she's someone who is very difficult to make happy and the mask is simply slipping. She's 40 and very stuck in her ways... I'd cut my losses if I were you.
NTA. If this behavior is due to OCD or any other condition, diagnosed or not, she needs to address that. Because whether it’s her intention or not, she’s emotionally abusive, and this sounds like an incredibly unbalanced relationship. If she’s not willing to address her issues, you may find yourself (if you haven’t already) entirely alienated and checked out of this relationship. And I wouldn’t blame you one bit. None of her behavior is rational as you describe it and it sounds like she needs a lot of help, to be honest.
You are NTA. She does NOT have OCD. This is actually something similar, called Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Mixed with some abuse. She is emotionally abusing you, as many others have stated. I have OCD and actually learned about this disorder from dating someone with OCPD, his unusual habits and intrusive thoughts were so strikingly similar to mine, however the main difference was that he would try to force myself and others to work around his ridiculous and unmanageable “OCD” and “rules”. I would end the relationship, I couldn’t handle not being able to touch my refrigerator in my own home.
NTA. It seems maybe she goes for younger dudes because men her age are outgrowing her and her bullshit? It’s not a sizeable age gap but I’m gunna guess that, if you two end things, her next man will be even younger so she can keep this level of manipulation going.
NTA. Too many grown people not able to regulate their feelings and this is abusive behavior. Not only are you NTA but you may want to reevaluate your boundaries and relationship
NTA, she is being unreasonable, you did your best to include her per her original complaint. It is unreasonable for her to expect to cancel a work trip, because she "feels bad" she could have stayed home. It's unreasonable for her to expect once arriving at the hotel to not go to whatever work commitments you had.
She needs to learn how to control her emotions a bit more, and be more appreciative to you for your inclusion of her, and owes you an apology for being an absolute pill.
Hopefully your trip gets better.
I love going to my wife's work conferences. We usually go a day or 2 before to enjoy the city and get some time alone away from the kids, and then when her conference starts I get to do some solo stuff(gym, pool, sauna, whiskey, cigar lounge) until her work day is over.
NTA, but in all honesty, your relationship sounds like a massive red flag my dude. I wish you the best but a 41 year old acting like that is only going to put you in an early grave.
She sounds like a nightmare! I hope you get out of this relationship relatively soon. I married one of these types of people years ago, finally got away, and am so happy in my life. If she’s good in the sack, maybe use her for sex for awhile and then drop her, otherwise get away when you can
NTA. She's so ridiculous, acting like a little kid. "Why are you leaving me here?" (Uhh, it's a work trip?), "I'm feeling bad" (maybe use your words to elaborate?), "I don't want to share the washroom. No, I don't want to go somewhere else" (??), "Why are you leaving me here?" (Again, this is a work trip, I cannot not go to this conference"), "I want you to make me calm" (... can't you?)
Nta. She’s in her 40s acting like that? I would of told her this behavior is why she’s usually left at home. No matter what mental health issues you have it never gives you the excuse to treat others as your verbal punching bag. If you reach adult years and you’re still struggling with healthy ways to regulate and communicate your emotions then it’s time to seek help from a professional not take it out on others.
Jesus christ OP, *hug*. I’m sorry for the constant emotional assault you have to face from your gf - on top of whatever else work and life throws at you.
She’s a 40yo adult throwing tantrums like that and making your life harder than it needs to be. Does she ever apologize like you do after your fights? Has she ever changed a minuscule thing about herself to make the relationship better after apologizing? —things to consider for a steady relationship I think.
I’m still young (23F) so there’s a lot I don’t know. But personally if my bf (22M) of 6 years took me on a work trip that *he* paid for, I’d be thrilled. I’d make sure he’s got everything he needs for work, prepare coffee, snacks, charge his electronics for after work, bring nice clothes to make a good impression of myself in front of his colleagues if necessary. Do the research on best places to eat and any fun attractions for spare time. Then during the day set myself free to explore a new city.
OP, you and your gf should be a team. Bringing her should make your life easier, funner (not a word but fight me.)
Even if you fight and get angry, it’s on you to express your feelings (which you did), but on her to manage *her* emotions and communicate and understand like an adult her age should.
NTA.
NTA. She is clearly miserable, and making you miserable. I’d recommend you dump her OR give her an ultimatum. Either she goes to get officially diagnosed, therapy, and some form of treatment, or it’s over. And you need to see changes. Things cannot go on like this. As in right away as soon as there is opening with her doctor. If she doesn’t have one she better get one. No excuses. If she refuses then you know where you stand with her. However if you feel like you’re already done with her, then break up, and enjoy life.
NTA. She sounds narcissistic and like she has anger issues (clearly). Every point she made only talked about herself and she only cared about herself and what she wanted. It was always “me, me, me” and never even tried to compromise with you. I hope you either find a way to talk her into therapy or find your peace and happiness without her because people like that hardly ever change.
NTA.... but you're on your way to becoming one to yourself. She's 41 and unable to emotionally regulate/deal with issues that arise spontaneously. I agree that she's emotionally abusing you. This isn't the way a partner should behave on a work trip! I tried to stay invisible when I went on my husband's work trip LOL. She's 41 and frankly, acting like a child. What do you want your future to be? I'm not sure your life would be peaceful if you stay with this person.
borderline personality disorder is a horrible thing to have to deal with in a partner. i did it for two years and it took me almost as long after the breakup to get over it and feel good about myself again.
get out while you can.
or if you truly love her, and feel that it's worth it, make her agree to get treatment.
NTA
NTA. At the very least your GF is being manipulative and toxic.
She's offloading the burden of dealing with her issues on you, making the issue about how you're not enough when it should be about managing unrealistic expectations and extreme reactions.
It's not as though you're intentionally doing things to hurt her but she's acting as though that's the case. This is an internal issue of her making, only she can control how she responds to problems and how to communicate respectfully. Judging based on the little information you've shared it sounds like she's either abusive and/or needs professional help.
NTA, break with her ASAP and never get back again, I had one girlfriend exactly like that and it was hell and a hindrance for everything (work, vacations, etc), I despise all the wasted time and energy that I spent with her, you might not see it right now, but this is not a healthy relationship, she is self centered, only cares about herself and actually don't give a damn about you (it's a travel for work, obviously you wouldn't be together with her all the time, you are the one paying, you are the one booking, etc), she probably never admits when she is wrong, and always throws the guilt on you or someone else.
Go look for other person man, life is too short to waste with someone like her. Find someone who appreciates you and your efforts, and also does the same for you!
NTA. She was looking to fight. You gave her what she said she wanted - to go on the trip. At the last minute she had a mystery discomfort that she still hasn't explained (was she sick, a bad feeling about the trip?). There was a problem with the room, but you had that resolved. She chose to be angry and chose to start fighting about anything and everything. She expects you to know what she wants even when she doesn't know what she wants. She was not a hostage - she could have booked a fight back home.
Did you travel in last six months? If she's going to have a fit every time you have a work trip, then your relationship isn't going to work.
You need to really think about how often you are in this situation with her where there is no way to please her. Sounds like she has a real problem controlling her anger. If you want to stay in this relationship, tell her to attend anger management classes or the relationship is over. If she's not getting treatment for OCD that needs to be addressed as well.
It is absolutely not your job to calm her down or read her mind.
NTA
She may be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder. The OCD could be a symptom; an attempt at control when she can’t control her emotions. She’s projecting these negative emotions onto you as a survival tactic, “you must be what’s making me feel this way and if I correct you, I’ll feel better.” This, of course, isn’t true, and when you try to fix something, she doesn’t feel better. Then, in her reasoning, you must’ve done it wrong, or it must’ve been something else you did. It’s not rational, and you can’t win. It’s a mental illness. She needs to get help for it, or you need to leave for your own sake.
NTA. Dump her. For your sanity and peace of mind let her go. If she's like this as a GF, imagine the horrors of her as a wife. Even worse, a mother.
Good luck
Bro this woman is in her 40s and playing stupid games, starting stupid fights, being completely unreasonable and selfish. It's not going to get better. It. is. not. going. to. get. better. NTA
You're an idiot for bringing your child on a business trip with you. Now look: she requires entertaining which you haven't got time to do. she's pitching tantrums which you get stuck managing, and she's almost certainly distracting you from your work.
Next time hire a babysitter and leave her at home. She's clearly not ready for travel. Maybe when she's more grown up.
NTA
Dude run. If she has OCD, it’s not the only thing she has. She likely also has a personality disorder from your description. I’m thinking something in the ballpark of Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic or some combination of their symptoms. But I’m leaning Borderline given the double binds she is putting you in. Do some research on them, you’ll thank yourself later.
NTA, but this woman is a walking nightmare. You do know that life and relationships don't always have to be a struggle right? Dump her and find some peace.
She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. They look to other people to regulate their emotions. They put the onus on other people and get mad and blame them for not regulating their emotions for them.
If she is still like this at 41 she is probably going to be like this the rest of her life. It takes years of intensive therapy to make a dent in the disorder and that is if they actually want to change or get better.
My ex-wife was like this. Got sick of being her emotional punching bag and having no space or boundaries and divorced her.
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I (34M) am currently on a trip with my GF (41F). It is a job trip, but I invited her to come along me (all paid for me). In part because I thought it could be nice but mostly because in the last 5 work trips I have taken she always gets angry and starts fights. Her points included not taking her with me.
So, the day of the trip, 20 minutes before taking the bus to the airport she tells me that she is feelimg bad. I asked her what was wrong and if she felt fine for travel. She said "I don't know". "What choice do I have?".
We got to our room and it doesn't have a private washroom (I misread the booking). I know that this is unnaceptable for her and her OCD. So I try to take her to a new hotel (losing my money on the first one) and she said no. Thankfully the staff was very understanding at hotel 1 and (for a fee) let us switch rooms and gave us a washroom only for us (for her).
I told her this and she got even angrier. She started berating me telling me:
- She is never going on a trip with me again.
- Why didn't I ask her to book the room with me. This one is a valid point. I apologized back then.
- Why didn't I cancel my trip when she was feeling bad before?
- To "ignore her and go to the conference". She told me that 3 times. I asked her what to do with food another 3 times and she said she could take care of herself.
I told her I made a honest mistake (which I tried to fix) and that it was unfair to treat me like that. She continued the fight and I answered to her multiple accusations and left her alone to go to the conference.
She got mad that I left her alone (?), we had another fight and she said that I never can calm her down. I answered "sorry, everybody else had to learn to control their anger without lashing out and it is not my job to do it for you".
She made another scene about leaving (alone, in the middle of the night 2500 km from home) and after I told her how insane that was, we went to sleep, angry.
Was I the asshole for telling her that it was not my job to calm her down?. Also for not cancelling the trip before? I am regretting that one... I should have never invited her on the first place, but in the last 6 months we had not had a fight and things were going great.
TLDR: I made a mistake while inviting my girlfriend on a trip, instead of letting me fix it, she started a fight and I told her that it is not my job to calm her down.
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She's with you in a job trip, not a vacation. You shouldn't have moved hotels and lost money and she shouldn't be bitching that you're abandoning her for the conference...it's the entire reason you're there.
Quite honestly, she said she didn't feel good to guilt you into not going. I would have left her home. And definitely don't take her again
Your partner has anger issues and she is taking them out on you.
She gets angry when you go away. Angry when you take her. Angry when you don't cancel. Angry when the booking is not what she wants. Angry when you change it to what she does want.
Do you want to spend your life with such an angry person?
NTA Lucky she is just a girlfriend. Run.
Fun Girl.
NTA The thing about work trips, you never see the place you are in. You see conference rooms and hotel restaurants. IF your partner is adventurous, then the partner can have a fun time looking around the city. Sounds like your GF isn't adventurous.
Your girlfriend is a nightmare. You’re NTA for telling her that regulating her emotions is her responsibility, but you would be the asshole (to yourself) for continuing to allow her to treat you this way. You are being mistreated, and you deserve better. Let her leave. Enjoy the rest of your trip. Break up and go no contact.
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NTA I am a victim of emotional abuse. I don't know what is going on with your GF, but the end result is that she is emotionally abusing you. Doubt me? Take [this quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?>) from loveisrespect.org. Everything here feels like a series of tests she is throwing at you to prove that you love her and care for her above all else. She essentially wants you to cancel a work trip to show that she matters more to you. Of course you shouldn't cancel a work trick. And no, it is not your job to calm her down. A 40 year old adult should be responsible for themselves and their emotions.
I just took it and answered about my previous relationship. I got a 54 :/ Edit: to everyone commenting below me, I’m sending you the biggest hug. I’m proud of all of you for getting out. If you haven’t gotten out, there is still time.
Yea I did the same with my ex, scored right about where you did. It took me a long time to say it out loud to anyone, but she was verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative. Hope you're doing ok now, we deserve better
It was over a decade ago, and I have an indefinite restraining order and a fake address. Things have been quiet! It’s funny, I took all the emo/verbal abuse until it turned physical. It’s weird how we can see physical abuse in such black and white terms, but we cannot identify emo/verbal abuse until it’s so overwhelming that it can’t be ignored. A creeping normalcy, where you wind up not even recognizing yourself or how you got to where you are. Sending hugs to you, hope things are better for you! I’m so glad you got out!
Much better than I was about a year ago. Somehow stuck with her for over a year after she screamed at me to go fucking k*** myself. Yea, that should have been the end. Looking back, how was I that blind... Therapy was cool, I'm in a much better place and a week away from moving to a new state and starting fresh :)
I’m so proud of you!!! I wish you the best in this new chapter!
To me is the same as our communal outlook on mental health. Physical abuse, like physically being ill, has proof and things you can point to that people can see and quantify. Mental illness, and verbal/ emotional abuse... well you're just too sensitive. Grow a pair. It's getting better with each new generation, but only slowly. I recognize that my mental issues are real, but have a hard time doing anything about them because I grew up in the boys don't cry, just get over it generation.
As a 28 yo man, yes men are not supposed to cry just keep your head up high
I got a 90...... I'm sobbing. Its been years since I dated this person but when my now partner is nice to me and doesn't yell at me over something I tear up. We went to brunch last weekend and I didn't want to get drinks bc the last time I did I remembered my ex yelling at me so intensely. 🙃
We went camping and I forgot the air mattress, I was so scared to tell him but he laughed, same for when we forgot the tent. I can't even imagine how that would have gone with the ex. I'm so glad we found partners worthy of us 🙌
Shortly after I moved in with the woman who I would later marry, we were folding laundry and I came across a pair of her emotionally abusive ex-husband's underwear and I said something about how it wasn't mine and handed it to her. Her face became so pale because she had expected I was going to accuse her of cheating on me (he had cheated on her). It was only a few seconds before she realized that the thought had not even crossed my mind, but I could sense the panic.
🫂🫂🫂 what a world of difference. I feel like such a real person versus a little shadow of myself.
I just scored a 91 with my first ex... Glad the second only made it to 37 at this rate the next relationship will be healthy :D
I scored 0... And i feel thatanything above it is bad
I got a 1 for my current, two-decades long marriage. Compared to my ex at 71, it's bliss. The one was that he sometimes doesn't listen. I can take a bit of drifting attention from time to time. Frankly, I'm not always a perfect listener, either, if I'm preoccupied. Ex had quite a lot in common with OP's GF.
I got a 76. it’s crazy that I couldn’t see he was the problem back then
Holy shit I’m so sorry. You are safe now? From my other response: >It’s funny, I took all the emo/verbal abuse until it turned physical. It’s weird how we can see physical abuse in such black and white terms, but we cannot identify emo/verbal abuse until it’s so overwhelming that it can’t be ignored. A creeping normalcy, where you wind up not even recognizing yourself or how you got to where you are.
Yeah, emotional abuse is very misunderstood. I spent fourteen years in an emotionally abusive marriage. I’ve been divorced since 2018 (moved out almost a year before that), and it’s still hard for me to admit that it was emotionally abusive. Most of my friends and family were really supportive of my decision to leave, but it still blows my mind how many people have said to me, “at least he didn’t hit you.” And yeah, I’m GLAD he didn’t hit me, but he still managed to do a TON of damage to me.
Yes I’m fine now. I hope you are too! It just makes me sad to look back. He convinced me that I made him do these things and I questioned my own sanity because I couldn’t understand how. I’m glad that I’m out of there. Got a 0 with my current relationship.
My female ex with bpd and i scored a 38. So i guess it wasn't that bad, guess I'll give her a call. Lol, never haha.
Current SO I got 0. My ex I got 98. -_-
**Hugs** I took it, not knowing what type of score I’d get. The 93 I got really shocked me. Glad I saw the light and ended it a long time ago, but it truly shocked me to score so highly. I know we don’t know each other from Adam, but I’m proud of you for getting out of your former relationship. We all deserve so much better. Edit: typo
Mine is 43, but many of the things I answered ‘no’ to he used as weapons. Polite, yes, like a sword. Jealous of me, no, but tried to make me Jealous. No screaming- silent treatment. Etc. I am just now realizing how mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive he was/is. It’s hard to admit that it happened to me- I’m supposed to be smarter than that. Thank gods for therapy!
Similar for me. He didn't break things "in order to intimidate me" but things-- especially of mine-- would accidentally break often, when I wasn't around, with some kind of plausible story. It happened more frequently when he was upset with me. It took a long time to piece that all together though. I clicked on that one anyway because, with distance I know he was trying to intimidate and control me but when I was in that relationship I wouldn't have considered saying yes because he wasn't breaking things in front of me in order to freak me out. Or, he didn't outright say no one else would want me, but he did often boost up how great he was to still find me attractive even though I had stretch marks now or whatever the current thing he wanted to criticize was. The effect is the same, but harder to call out.
I was surprised that I only scored a 9 with mine. But I noticed that the questions only really focused on really _obvious_ abuse. It didn’t address things like silent treatment, withholding affection/intimate moments, etc. Or when they say one thing but their actions show otherwise. Outwardly to the public, my husband speaks the right words to look so supportive, and even says those same words to my face, but then his actions never match and he puts up roadblocks everywhere on my path. He doesn’t need to break my things when he lets the kids do it with no supervision or parenting. I wish there was a more comprehensive test that even broke it down into the types.
I got 46. I knew it wasn't healthy or right, but I felt like I had no escape/reason to leave. A friend saw and set me up with someone new...he became my escape.
41 and to be honest it might have crept higher but only together just over a couple of months. There was still time for worse to follow.
I took it regarding a previous relationship. I wasn't expecting it to say, "5 or more points and you may be in an abusive relationship." *Five?* I scored a 49. She married a soldier and has had 2 kids now.
Me too I got a 74..dude was an asshole
I got a 55 :( idk how to feel
Same. Got a 45. Wish I knew this tool existed sooner.
Getting a 55 and seeing that the rating system only went up to 5 was more jarring than I expected. It didn't seem as bad at the time, but looking back, I see more and more how bad things really were and how lucky I was to get out when i did. I very nearly married that person and I'm grateful every single day that I didn't. Now, looking back, some of the things I allowed/put up with makes me sick to my stomach. I thought that since they never put hands on me, that it wasn't abusive. Hah, wrong. If you're reading this and feel like it's too late for you to get out, it's not. It's never too late to escape. If you need help getting out, please reach out to a trusted person. If you don't have one, please feel free to dm me. I'm also pretty sure you can call 911 and say you want to order a pizza and they'll send you help. It's not too late to get out.
Yup, scored 53 regarding my last relationship. It's crazy how much happier I am and relaxed since leaving.
Oh yeah. OP absolutely can't win with this woman. "Why don't you ever take me on your work trips!" He makes plans to take her on a work trip. "I feel bad but I guess I don't have a choice about going on this trip." They go on trip. "Why didn't you get the kind of accommodations I require!" OP offers to change hotels. "No!" OP changes rooms to accommodate her, at a financial loss. She gets even angrier. OP attends conference--*the reason for the* ***work*** trip--she gets angry at being "left alone" and berates him for not cancelling trip and for ignoring her by attending the WORK conference. She threatens that she'll never go on another work trip with him again. But if he doesn't invite her anymore, she'll be right back to complaining about how he never takes her with him on his work trips. And if he takes her again, she'll complain and completely ruin it again. She is a drama queen and a serial complainer.
I think she was so angry when he changed rooms because she wanted the no private bathroom to be a reason to demand he cancel the trip and take her home, and if he didn't she could complain that he chose work over her and he wanted to force her to stay there when he knows she can't...
Oh yeah, she's definitely looking for reasons to complain.
My bf dates a woman like this before we met. She ruined a LOT of trips for him… 😬
The base limit is only 5 points? It's more messed up than I ever expected.
I’ve taken this quiz with my current relationship in mind and my former relationship. My ex? Something like a 50. My current fiancé? 0. Fucking 0. Do you know how much happier and lighter and taken care of and respected I feel with this man? So much.
Right there with you. Ex was 60, current husband of 10 years... 0. Still have knee-jerk reactions sometimes, but they've gotten better over the years.
I also grew up with an emotionally abusive father (which is why I thought being called “a stupid bitch” for every minor thing I did was normal), so I feel you on the knee jerk reactions. My fiancé was fixing our bathroom sink the other day. He dropped something accidentally and simply muttered “damnit” under his breath. Totally normal human reaction. Wasn’t anything more than that. But it’s like my brain zoomed back to being a small child and a single “damnit” being a precursor to a screaming, slamming, throwing things (that were never his, were always my mom’s or us kids’) mantrum over the dumbest shit. That kind of trauma permanently changes your brain, and it’s HARD to re-regulate. But I’ve been with my fiancé for 15 years, and have been in therapy for much longer. It’s STILL a struggle. Let me tell you we had a discussion about that visceral reaction in my following therapy session, haha.
My husband was removing tempered glass from an old door this past weekend. It slipped, shattered, and he said shit. I was sitting on the porch about 15 feet away. I caught myself shrinking down and freezing. My ex would have found a way for it to be my fault and punished me for it, and I realized I was bracing for it. 15 years later... and it still happens before I can catch myself. I just acknowledge the reaction and remind myself it's no longer necessary.
I have this from both sides. I had to get over automatically bracing for my father's anger, and now I get to watch my partner brace for mine, because of their father. The look in their eyes when I don't melt down is...indescribable. Then they exhale.
My fiancé’s relationship with his father is RIDICULOUSLY warm and healthy, and it was so weird for me at first. Like “Wait, your father isn’t constantly angry about something? What’s that like?”
Right? When I got my result I thought the limit must be 15-20 but nope my expectations were just to low
I feel like it has to be a typo, couldn’t find any clarification on the website
Yes, I was going to comment this as well. That girlfriend is very abusive. It's like living with a ticking time bomb watching your every step. OP leave, you will be much happier. Ask for help from your loved one if you need that to leave.
I got 0 with my current partner but 66 with my ex because he was insanely abusive.
Congrats on your healthy relationship!
I'm a happily married man and scored a 23. Maybe it doesn't apply to marriage. My wife is naturally risk adverse and an introvert while I'm the opposite so we clash a lot on that front, but she is the sweetest and most supportive woman I've ever met. Sometimes I want to take crazy risks and she will pull me back into a more realistic trajectory. Sometimes I involve myself in too much, taking away from the important things in life, and she suggests getting rid of a few to make it more manageable. I chose her because she takes care of me in ways I don't prioritize, and vice versa.
I took it and got a 0. Damn, I love my partner even though I already knew he was amazing.
"Your score is 72. " For my narcissistic ex... Luckily that only lasted 3 months!
Hey, score twin! (Mine is also an ex.)
Its not just emotional. It's financial as well because it will very well affect OP's job
Yes, I also had an emotionally abusive relationship and this post reminds me a lot of my ex's behavior-- expecting OP to read her mind, refusing to communicate clearly about what she wants/needs and then getting angry when he doesn't guess correctly, the hidden tests, the unreasonable threats (e.g. to leave in the middle of the night thousands of miles from home) putting OP in a position where he feels he *has* to cater to her and calm her down...
I got a 72 based on my first marriage. A 0 based on my second. Thanks for sharing.
Ex is a 71 but we are divorced. My current of almost 5! Years is a zero. He has never said a man word to me. Thanks for the quiz, what a difference.
I have never seen that site before and I'm scared to take it bc I'm involved also with a woman scarily close in ages to OP and she also has emotional regulation issues and those come out ways that hurt me regularly. But I always justify it bc I know she's got issues and I shouldn't hold them against her.
Take the quiz. Here is the thing about issues. They may explain poor behavior, but they don’t excuse it. If she is mistreating you, she is not a good partner no matter what the reason is.
Almost all people who mistreat or abuse their partners have issues: past trauma, mental health problems, etc. You can simultaneously understand why your girlfriend behaves the way she does *and* have boundaries against being treated badly. No one should get a free pass on hurting the people they supposedly love, ever. No matter how much they themselves might be hurting, it's not ever okay.
Got a 59 from my relationship from a few years ago. Some people are just awful
This just sounds weird. Does she have any legit diagnoses that would explain her acting this way? NTA this isn’t a pleasure trip and I can’t imagine my partner acting this way.
She refuses treatment for her OCD. She is not officialy diagnosed... but we live together and I cannot touch the fridge. So, something is very wrong. I just gave up after a while.
This isn’t about OCD, it’s about respect. An OCD diagnosis doesn’t come with a stack of free passes to treat people like shit and expect they tolerate it. Last trip with my partner we got to the hotel and it looked beautiful. Inside the rooms were a different story, and she had a mini meltdown and was suggesting we do different hotel, etc. But all of her frustration was directed at the hotel staff and how we could resolve it, not blaming me for the situation. And certainly not getting even more mad at me for fixing the situation. …she had a moment, took some time to calm herself, accepted the situation and we had a great weekend. To be clear: you got the room upgraded so she had what she needs to feel more comfortable, and this escalated her anger? What were the previous work trip fights about that you thought you were preventing by bringing her along?
The previous work trips she got mad because I left her alone. One of those was a international conference where I would be a speaker and she asked me "If I tell you not to go, would you stay?". I politely said no, that was a fight. Out of those 5 trips, 4 were international conferences so she couldn't go for visa issues. Only one of those was local and I was just so sick of her at the time that I just needed to get away from her ( 2 years ago, things have gotten much better ).
Look, I'm a 36 yo woman, and once you hit your 30s, there's a time you have to tell yourself, you are too damn old to be acting like this. And that applies here to her. This sounds exhausting and draining, just cut your losses. You don't need her dragging you down like this. Constantly fighting and making you the cause of all the reasons why she's in a bad mood is emotional abuse. You can do better, my dude, don't let her break you down because it sounds like that's what she's doing.
holy heck, please see these red flags. You deserve better <3 NTA.
Dude, she is demanding you tank your career to prove you love her and prioritize her above all else. All of those instances where she's picking fights is her being mad her power plays aren't working. Run away.
Dude run. This is not normal or acceptable behaviour.
You said in another comment you're not allowed to touch the fridge. In what I assume is your own home. Unless i misunderstood, you're not allowed to have access to food in your own home. This is your version of better? This isn't a good or normal relationship in any way.
Sounds like she’s trying to sabotage your career.
> ( 2 years ago, things have gotten much better ). ... You say, while posting on an internet forum about her abhorrent behavior and being repeatedly told she is emotionally abusing you. Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? You don't get any of this time back, you know.
What is she bringing to the relationship? Do you have a kink for older women? Because she seems like a manipulative 🏖️ that just want to use you and abuse you. NTA, except to yourself
My guy, she is 41 and has been acting this way to you for years if I'm reading that correctly. She is out of line, borderline if not outright abusive (emotionally if not physically) and she isn't going to improve. You are 34, do not waste the rest of your life putting up with this, because you really dont have to.
This is “Better!?”
Have things actually got better though? If what you described in your post is a “better” version I think maybe your normal meter is broken
The s3x isn’t that good. Be honest. Be a man and stop taking this treatment from her. Somebody will actually be kind and good to you. But you’ll never find her if you can’t let go of people like this and set boundaries.
Dude! You're speaking at an international conference - your partner should be proud of you for doing well in your field and applauding your success not trying to undermine it.
she's a child. no adult does that, leave her, she needs to grow up on her own.
>things have gotten much better Have they, though?
I think maybe it’s time to consider giving up the rest of the way. NTA. You are absolutely correct that it is your GF’s job to regulate her own emotions, not yours. Your job is to take care of your own needs and your own peace of mind, so I’d ask you - is this relationship doing that for you as it stands right now? Someone with serious mental health problems can take years to get to a healthier place when they’re actively working on it. She’s not even at that point yet. How many years are you willing to put up with this? The biggest problem I see here, one that is probably not fixable, is that your GF is inherently selfish. That’s separate from any mental health problems. An unselfish person with the same issues would still have reacted badly but wouldn’t be blaming you or insisting that you should have canceled an entire work trip instead of just staying home herself.
You can't touch the FRIDGE? It's your home. This is completely unreasonable. But back to the issue at hand: NTA. Picking fights because you either can't read her mind or aren't catering to her every immediate whim isn't OCD. It's emotional manipulation. She *wants* you to give up. To cave. To apologize. You say you hadn't had a fight in the last 6 months, but is that because you were compromising partners or you were bending over backwards to keep the peace? Because there's a big difference. She's trying to put the onerous task of "calming her down" on you which is just another minefield of "you're doing it wrong and now I'm even madder." I mean she doesn't let you touch YOUR FRIDGE. Restricting free access to food you pay for should be a dealbreaker alone.
Dump her a**
OP...I am currently not on meds for my OCD...this behavior is unacceptable. Your girlfriend is emotionally abusive, full stop. I have never screamed or berated my partner like that in the 16 years I have been with him. OCD doesn't remove my ability to speak like a respectful adult and my anxiety doesn't make me rage at people. Whether I am medicated or not. And if she is undiagnosed...she is using a theoretical diagnosis which might not even be true. What is "wrong" is she is abusive, period.
I feel for you. I guess it’s decision time.
There is a massive difference between OCD and control issues (could be OCPD, but not gonna diagnose anyone over the internet). If she refuses to get diagnosed and/or treated, that’s on her. I’m not saying she may not have a mental illness, but the issues you described are not excused or explained by that. I take massive issue with people who use mental illness as an excuse for shitty behaviour. She also has a responsibility to work on herself if that’s the case. All of this is abusive, OP. Source: mental health professional
She is just abusive. Mental illness is not mutually exclusive with abuse. The abuse is a choice. Plenty of people with mental health diagnoses don’t abuse their partners. And while she needs help, how much are you willing to derail your own mental wellbeing to ‘help’ the mental wellbeing of someone who doesn’t care about yours?
This is abuse dude not OCD. OCD would be needing items in certain places or having to do certain actions in a row, not forbidding you from access to food. Do you have to ask permission to eat? To bath? To relax and watch tv?
So what do you do if you can't touch the fridge? Do you have to wait on her to open it and handle everything? Maybe it's not about ocd but more about controlling you. If your not allowed to touch the fridge or other things that's not a life I want to live. How can you wait around on her to be in a good mood for her to touch the fridge so your able to get things out. Honestly she sounds very toxic. You can't go on work trips because she gets angry at you. It's a work trip not a vacation. She goes on your work trip but doesn't want you to attend the work conference but gets angry at you like it's your fault when it is. She gets angry you leave her alone to attend very important work things once again it's a work trip not her vacation. She knew what the trip was about but she expects you to do what she says or she gets angry at you. She gets mad because your spouse to drop everything because she doesn't feel well? Do you not see she's playing games with you and trying to manipulate you into thinking all of this is your fault when your only trying to be responsible and do your job. She picks fights with you for every little thing she has no control over or when she doesn't get her way. Yes bringing her was a mistake. No you shouldn't have to cancel a work trip because of her.
Wait, wait. Why would you cancel the trip? This was a work trip, was it not? Not an optional junket like it was for your GF who could have just not gone, if she really felt so unwell. But your GF went, anyway. Because it sounds like while this trip may have been a vacation for her, she also felt it was her *job* to make your trip about her, and she was going to do her best! If you were stressed or miserable, well, that’s the price of taking her, and if course she is well worth it, (in her opinion). Of course you went on to the conference! Like, duh! Isn’t the conference the whole reason you are in this trip? OP, you had a frank conversation with your GF and she didn’t wanna hear it. You should put her on the first available plane or train home and go about your business. She was acting like a child, and you don’t need that. NTA
Based on her behavior on this trip, OP's mistake is a lot deeper than inviting her with him (which was definitely a mistake to be clear). These are responses that a healthy adult does not make. OP needs to reevaluate whether she's right for him. Hard to imagine he could not do better.
His mistake is continuing to be in the relationship with this miserable person and that's about it.
NTA, but run! She is treating you horribly. And it doesn’t matter if she has some psychological issues. You still don’t have to put up with this. Please take care of yourself and end the relationships. She is awful
NTA. Lose the girlfriend. You'll thank us profusely
"I asked her what was wrong and if she felt fine for travel. She said "I don't know". "What choice do I have?"." She could have chosen to stay home. Looks like she was already setting up to play the victim... * Why didn't I cancel my trip when she was feeling bad before? * To "ignore her and go to the conference". Why cancel your *work* trip? The trip ***was a work conference*** - WTF did she think you all were there for? Honestly, there's a whole lot more going than OCD. She's acting like a victim in every scenario, even when there is no reason (ie getting her own washroom made her even angrier??) NTA but your relationship sounds like a nightmare!
IF OP stays with her I am willing to bet she'll ruin his job for him at one point because she thinks he could cancel every time.
NTA but why are you with this person?
This needs to become a required field to fill out on posts I swear.
NTA * She could have just not gone if she was not feeling well. If she was sick, she might even be eligible for a refund. Even if she could't get a refund, the airline would probably offer some sort of voucher she could use to get away later. * She was perfectly aware that this was a work trip and that you would need to attend work events. If that made her uncomfortable, she never should have agreed to come with you in the first place. * Sure, you should have made sure you had a private bath in the first place, but you fixed that—and she got angry at you for fixing it! That last point, especially, leads me to believe that this is out-and-out abuse, not just extreme frailty.
I read over the ages and was sure this was a 28m/22f kind of thing but THAT WOMAN IS FOURTY!!?? Jesus there is no hope at all of her improving in any way this is a proper grown up. I cannot imagine putting up with that I hope you find the strength to leave her
Dump her. Like NOW. She is all kinds of crazy and it's not going to get better. Lose the woman.
NTA. Your gf sounds like a lot. She picks fights when you go on business trips without her and she picks fights when you take her with you. You can’t win — she just picks fights. Over everything. She gaslights you into considering that maybe you’re the bad guy because you only like her when she’s happy, and that when she’s unhappy it’s your fault and your job to fix it. She needs professional help. Do you like living with someone who is constantly causing drama over everything? Especially over your business trips that you need to do for work? You are absolutely right that it’s not for you to calm her down when she seems hell-bent on always winding herself up.
NTA. Dude, get out while you can. At least you’re not married to her.
NTA. You're dating a woman who never grew up, my man. I travel for work several times a year and always bring my family along, kids and all. My wife wouldn't ever try to sabotage my work trip, that's how we get money ffs. Find a better partner that doesn't have their head stuck up their ass.
"She is never going on a trip with me again." Problem solved. NTA
NTA, are you sure that you have a girlfriend? Usually we connect with people who care about us and make our lives better and not just complain and fight all the time, what's the point in your relationship when no matter what you do she is unhappy and drags you down with her?
Why are you dating this pain in the ass?
41 is pretty old to be acting like a toddler throwing hissy fits. NTA. Good luck with that drama.
NTA...the only mistake you made was taking her with you. This is an abusive relationship. I would think long and hard about remaining in this situation.
NTA. I'd be ending this relationship if I were you. She sounds like a nightmare.
She is abusive
NTA. You were on a business trip. It sounds like she's testing you very unfairly, like you're supposed to read her mind about whether she wants to tag along on your business trip. It sounds like the only time you're not fighting is if you walk on eggshells around her to not upset her. Is this relationship worth it?
NTA. Honestly, I’m scratching my head about a lot of this. She’s clearly unstable and anxious attachment. But, the big thing is you’re in a weird and abusive relationship with a woman seven years older than you that’s not going anywhere. Yes, there’s a double standard for age gaps, but why aren’t you with a younger woman with less drama? A woman that you can have a future with? And a family, perhaps.
You are concerned about the wrong mistake, the mistake you should be concerned about is your acceptance of her behavior
Oooof. She has emotional regulation problems just as you said. I struggle with this as well and had to learn (thanks to my very strong willed bf) that I need to say what I mean and mean what I say. If I say “leave me alone” he’s going to leave me alone and if I make a stink about him doing exactly what I said, that’s on me and borders in manipulation. I never consciously tried to play mind games and it was frustrating for me to, to learn to think before I speak and realize when I was the cause of my own frustration. It took my bf being strong willed and never giving into my shit for me to realize how ridiculous I was being. Had he given into it, even once, it wouldn’t have helped. Did he have to stick by me through those few moments? No. Did he? Yes, because we love each other a ton. But I’m not ignorant to the fact that not everyone has the patience of a saint like him. It’s since gotten soooo much better and now I only say what I mean. On the other hand though, her multiple tantrums over small details are unrelated and absolutely ridiculous of which I can’t relate to. I think for that, it boils down to how much you wanna stick by her while she (hopefully) attempts to improve her behaviour. At her age, this is likely something she’s always dealt with, and you’re probably not the first man to struggle with her. I do wish you luck. 🫡 ETA: emotional regulation problems for me are related to complex childhood trauma and ADHD. It requires active and conscious hard work to overcome. Usually with therapy. Lol. If she doesn’t want to work on it, I recommend you let her go. I’m 30, for context.
NTA. She sounds miserable. Complaining that she doesn't get to come to work with you? Ridiculous. Complaining you didn't skip work because she wasn't feeling up to it? Ridiculous. 41 and unable to regulate her emotions? She might need professional help.
NTA Your girlfrien is an emotional vampire. She feeds on your good/positive energy to try and sap you dry. She is placing the burden of her emotions AND managing them on you and that not fair or right. Leave the b—ch at home permanently by breaking up with this miserable harpie. At this age, she’s learned this kind of behavior gets her what she wants and isn’t likely to change.
NTA. She’s an adult that is clearly emotionally immature and this is not something that can be fixed in a short amount of time. Do yourself a favor and think long and hard whether YOU want to continue dealing with this. It’s clear she hasn’t done anything to age 41, to better understand herself and actions.
NTA, and the major upside is this person is not your wife….run!!!
NTa. Although how long do you usually go for your trips? She‘s the one complaining you’re not bringing her on your trips and then you used your own money to accommodate her and now SHE’s mad? you’re here for work to make money, not for a vacation, she should suck it up you even invitied her to come. Is she treated and diagnosed with any mental issues?
Honestly what are you doing with this woman?
NTA I hope that was a typo and you meant ex-GF. She is insufferable - manipulative, controlling, has "main character syndrome", uncaring, selfish, self-centered and the list goes on. The question isnt whether you are the AH. The question is why you remain with someone who clearly mistreats you. She actually thought you should cancel on your work trip because SHE wasnt feeling well at the AIRPORT? I should add insane to the list, or maybe she has low iq. Im guessing you gf has never had a career or she would know that canceling your work trip while at the airport wouldn't be a good option unless you had a serious emergency. In my opinion whatever you think you are getting out of the relationship is not worth the abuse she is tossing out continually. I dont care if her looks are a 10 and if sex is the best ever, its not worth it because she treats you terribly. I simply cannot imagine why you would choose to remain with someone who doesnt value you, who doesnt care about you or your feelings or your career. All she cares about is herself.
Nta and don't regret anything. This is a very important lesson. They say you don't know your partner until you've travelled with them. Now you know what she's like. She's not a good travel partner, she can't handle stress and when she's uncomfortable she lashes out at you and is incapable of working as a team to solve a problem. You now have 2 options, break up or couples counselling. Given that she's picked a fight with you when you've not taken her to these things either... I have a feeling she's someone who is very difficult to make happy and the mask is simply slipping. She's 40 and very stuck in her ways... I'd cut my losses if I were you.
God she is too much work my G
NTA. If this behavior is due to OCD or any other condition, diagnosed or not, she needs to address that. Because whether it’s her intention or not, she’s emotionally abusive, and this sounds like an incredibly unbalanced relationship. If she’s not willing to address her issues, you may find yourself (if you haven’t already) entirely alienated and checked out of this relationship. And I wouldn’t blame you one bit. None of her behavior is rational as you describe it and it sounds like she needs a lot of help, to be honest.
I would cancel my subscription to her issues. She's way too old to be making demands that you regulate HER emotions. You're NTA
You are NTA. She does NOT have OCD. This is actually something similar, called Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Mixed with some abuse. She is emotionally abusing you, as many others have stated. I have OCD and actually learned about this disorder from dating someone with OCPD, his unusual habits and intrusive thoughts were so strikingly similar to mine, however the main difference was that he would try to force myself and others to work around his ridiculous and unmanageable “OCD” and “rules”. I would end the relationship, I couldn’t handle not being able to touch my refrigerator in my own home.
NTA OP, she just keeps complaining and complaining. She'll never be satisfied. Move on, you deserve better.
NTA. It seems maybe she goes for younger dudes because men her age are outgrowing her and her bullshit? It’s not a sizeable age gap but I’m gunna guess that, if you two end things, her next man will be even younger so she can keep this level of manipulation going.
NTA. Too many grown people not able to regulate their feelings and this is abusive behavior. Not only are you NTA but you may want to reevaluate your boundaries and relationship
NTA - This woman is 40 years old and carries on like this and treats you like shit? This is not ok and you should end things I think.
NTA, she is being unreasonable, you did your best to include her per her original complaint. It is unreasonable for her to expect to cancel a work trip, because she "feels bad" she could have stayed home. It's unreasonable for her to expect once arriving at the hotel to not go to whatever work commitments you had. She needs to learn how to control her emotions a bit more, and be more appreciative to you for your inclusion of her, and owes you an apology for being an absolute pill. Hopefully your trip gets better.
NTA - This is emotional abuse and you should evaluate whether you want to stay in this relationship.
NTA. You’re on a trip for work, which presumably involves work-related responsibilities. Most adults I know would understand that
I love going to my wife's work conferences. We usually go a day or 2 before to enjoy the city and get some time alone away from the kids, and then when her conference starts I get to do some solo stuff(gym, pool, sauna, whiskey, cigar lounge) until her work day is over.
NTA - She is on the crazy train. Get rid of her, she is verbally abusive, it will turn into physical soon.
NTA. She is attempting to hold you hostage emotionally. This is not a healthy relationship.
NTA, but in all honesty, your relationship sounds like a massive red flag my dude. I wish you the best but a 41 year old acting like that is only going to put you in an early grave.
You guys must have a great sex life cause your real life sounds miserable 😂 Nta
Dump her. Too much selfish drama. NTA
NTA. She is not the one. Throw this one back.
She sounds like a nightmare! I hope you get out of this relationship relatively soon. I married one of these types of people years ago, finally got away, and am so happy in my life. If she’s good in the sack, maybe use her for sex for awhile and then drop her, otherwise get away when you can
it is not my girlfriends telling me job her down.
NTA why are you dating this woman?
NTA
NTA. She's so ridiculous, acting like a little kid. "Why are you leaving me here?" (Uhh, it's a work trip?), "I'm feeling bad" (maybe use your words to elaborate?), "I don't want to share the washroom. No, I don't want to go somewhere else" (??), "Why are you leaving me here?" (Again, this is a work trip, I cannot not go to this conference"), "I want you to make me calm" (... can't you?)
Nta. She’s in her 40s acting like that? I would of told her this behavior is why she’s usually left at home. No matter what mental health issues you have it never gives you the excuse to treat others as your verbal punching bag. If you reach adult years and you’re still struggling with healthy ways to regulate and communicate your emotions then it’s time to seek help from a professional not take it out on others.
It was a work trip, not a vacation. How the hell did she expect you to cancel?
Dump her. She sounds like an annoying child.
NTA.. you sure she’s 41? cos she’s acting 14! Run!
I’d nope out of this relationship as soon as possible. She’s way too dramatic and high-maintenance for a long-term thing. NTA.
NTA it's working trip unless you are boss you cannot just cancel your trip .
Dude leave. NTA but cmon.
Jesus christ OP, *hug*. I’m sorry for the constant emotional assault you have to face from your gf - on top of whatever else work and life throws at you. She’s a 40yo adult throwing tantrums like that and making your life harder than it needs to be. Does she ever apologize like you do after your fights? Has she ever changed a minuscule thing about herself to make the relationship better after apologizing? —things to consider for a steady relationship I think. I’m still young (23F) so there’s a lot I don’t know. But personally if my bf (22M) of 6 years took me on a work trip that *he* paid for, I’d be thrilled. I’d make sure he’s got everything he needs for work, prepare coffee, snacks, charge his electronics for after work, bring nice clothes to make a good impression of myself in front of his colleagues if necessary. Do the research on best places to eat and any fun attractions for spare time. Then during the day set myself free to explore a new city. OP, you and your gf should be a team. Bringing her should make your life easier, funner (not a word but fight me.) Even if you fight and get angry, it’s on you to express your feelings (which you did), but on her to manage *her* emotions and communicate and understand like an adult her age should. NTA.
NTA but why are you with someone so abusive? Dude it’s time to cut your losses and find someone less toxic.
NTA. She is clearly miserable, and making you miserable. I’d recommend you dump her OR give her an ultimatum. Either she goes to get officially diagnosed, therapy, and some form of treatment, or it’s over. And you need to see changes. Things cannot go on like this. As in right away as soon as there is opening with her doctor. If she doesn’t have one she better get one. No excuses. If she refuses then you know where you stand with her. However if you feel like you’re already done with her, then break up, and enjoy life.
NTA. Abusive. Run.
NTA It's like you are dating a toddler in an adult body. Is that attractive to you?
NTA Red flag, red flag, red flag!!! What are you still doing there???
She's borderline man, get out.
This woman is 41? Run. She sounds exhausting to be with.
Info: after reading your comments I got curious. Why are you together with her?
NTA. She sounds narcissistic and like she has anger issues (clearly). Every point she made only talked about herself and she only cared about herself and what she wanted. It was always “me, me, me” and never even tried to compromise with you. I hope you either find a way to talk her into therapy or find your peace and happiness without her because people like that hardly ever change.
NTA.... but you're on your way to becoming one to yourself. She's 41 and unable to emotionally regulate/deal with issues that arise spontaneously. I agree that she's emotionally abusing you. This isn't the way a partner should behave on a work trip! I tried to stay invisible when I went on my husband's work trip LOL. She's 41 and frankly, acting like a child. What do you want your future to be? I'm not sure your life would be peaceful if you stay with this person.
borderline personality disorder is a horrible thing to have to deal with in a partner. i did it for two years and it took me almost as long after the breakup to get over it and feel good about myself again. get out while you can. or if you truly love her, and feel that it's worth it, make her agree to get treatment. NTA
Sound like borderline shit to me. You’ll never make her happy. Find someone younger and somewhat sane.
NTA. At the very least your GF is being manipulative and toxic. She's offloading the burden of dealing with her issues on you, making the issue about how you're not enough when it should be about managing unrealistic expectations and extreme reactions. It's not as though you're intentionally doing things to hurt her but she's acting as though that's the case. This is an internal issue of her making, only she can control how she responds to problems and how to communicate respectfully. Judging based on the little information you've shared it sounds like she's either abusive and/or needs professional help.
NTA, break with her ASAP and never get back again, I had one girlfriend exactly like that and it was hell and a hindrance for everything (work, vacations, etc), I despise all the wasted time and energy that I spent with her, you might not see it right now, but this is not a healthy relationship, she is self centered, only cares about herself and actually don't give a damn about you (it's a travel for work, obviously you wouldn't be together with her all the time, you are the one paying, you are the one booking, etc), she probably never admits when she is wrong, and always throws the guilt on you or someone else. Go look for other person man, life is too short to waste with someone like her. Find someone who appreciates you and your efforts, and also does the same for you!
NTA. She was looking to fight. You gave her what she said she wanted - to go on the trip. At the last minute she had a mystery discomfort that she still hasn't explained (was she sick, a bad feeling about the trip?). There was a problem with the room, but you had that resolved. She chose to be angry and chose to start fighting about anything and everything. She expects you to know what she wants even when she doesn't know what she wants. She was not a hostage - she could have booked a fight back home. Did you travel in last six months? If she's going to have a fit every time you have a work trip, then your relationship isn't going to work. You need to really think about how often you are in this situation with her where there is no way to please her. Sounds like she has a real problem controlling her anger. If you want to stay in this relationship, tell her to attend anger management classes or the relationship is over. If she's not getting treatment for OCD that needs to be addressed as well. It is absolutely not your job to calm her down or read her mind.
NTA She may be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder. The OCD could be a symptom; an attempt at control when she can’t control her emotions. She’s projecting these negative emotions onto you as a survival tactic, “you must be what’s making me feel this way and if I correct you, I’ll feel better.” This, of course, isn’t true, and when you try to fix something, she doesn’t feel better. Then, in her reasoning, you must’ve done it wrong, or it must’ve been something else you did. It’s not rational, and you can’t win. It’s a mental illness. She needs to get help for it, or you need to leave for your own sake.
NTA. Dump her. For your sanity and peace of mind let her go. If she's like this as a GF, imagine the horrors of her as a wife. Even worse, a mother. Good luck
Bro this woman is in her 40s and playing stupid games, starting stupid fights, being completely unreasonable and selfish. It's not going to get better. It. is. not. going. to. get. better. NTA
You're an idiot for bringing your child on a business trip with you. Now look: she requires entertaining which you haven't got time to do. she's pitching tantrums which you get stuck managing, and she's almost certainly distracting you from your work. Next time hire a babysitter and leave her at home. She's clearly not ready for travel. Maybe when she's more grown up. NTA
Dude run. If she has OCD, it’s not the only thing she has. She likely also has a personality disorder from your description. I’m thinking something in the ballpark of Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic or some combination of their symptoms. But I’m leaning Borderline given the double binds she is putting you in. Do some research on them, you’ll thank yourself later.
Get rid of this vile woman as fast as you can!
This sounds an awful lot like a few trips I went on with an ex. Does your GF have BPD per chance?
This GF is defective and must be replaced.
OCD. BPD. NTA.
NTA, but this woman is a walking nightmare. You do know that life and relationships don't always have to be a struggle right? Dump her and find some peace.
Run bro
She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. They look to other people to regulate their emotions. They put the onus on other people and get mad and blame them for not regulating their emotions for them. If she is still like this at 41 she is probably going to be like this the rest of her life. It takes years of intensive therapy to make a dent in the disorder and that is if they actually want to change or get better. My ex-wife was like this. Got sick of being her emotional punching bag and having no space or boundaries and divorced her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34M) am currently on a trip with my GF (41F). It is a job trip, but I invited her to come along me (all paid for me). In part because I thought it could be nice but mostly because in the last 5 work trips I have taken she always gets angry and starts fights. Her points included not taking her with me. So, the day of the trip, 20 minutes before taking the bus to the airport she tells me that she is feelimg bad. I asked her what was wrong and if she felt fine for travel. She said "I don't know". "What choice do I have?". We got to our room and it doesn't have a private washroom (I misread the booking). I know that this is unnaceptable for her and her OCD. So I try to take her to a new hotel (losing my money on the first one) and she said no. Thankfully the staff was very understanding at hotel 1 and (for a fee) let us switch rooms and gave us a washroom only for us (for her). I told her this and she got even angrier. She started berating me telling me: - She is never going on a trip with me again. - Why didn't I ask her to book the room with me. This one is a valid point. I apologized back then. - Why didn't I cancel my trip when she was feeling bad before? - To "ignore her and go to the conference". She told me that 3 times. I asked her what to do with food another 3 times and she said she could take care of herself. I told her I made a honest mistake (which I tried to fix) and that it was unfair to treat me like that. She continued the fight and I answered to her multiple accusations and left her alone to go to the conference. She got mad that I left her alone (?), we had another fight and she said that I never can calm her down. I answered "sorry, everybody else had to learn to control their anger without lashing out and it is not my job to do it for you". She made another scene about leaving (alone, in the middle of the night 2500 km from home) and after I told her how insane that was, we went to sleep, angry. Was I the asshole for telling her that it was not my job to calm her down?. Also for not cancelling the trip before? I am regretting that one... I should have never invited her on the first place, but in the last 6 months we had not had a fight and things were going great. TLDR: I made a mistake while inviting my girlfriend on a trip, instead of letting me fix it, she started a fight and I told her that it is not my job to calm her down. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Only way to get peace of mind is to break up with her.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Why are you together?
Dump her she is toxic and insufferable. You can do better by being alone. In time you will find someone who is a partner and not a drag.
She's with you in a job trip, not a vacation. You shouldn't have moved hotels and lost money and she shouldn't be bitching that you're abandoning her for the conference...it's the entire reason you're there. Quite honestly, she said she didn't feel good to guilt you into not going. I would have left her home. And definitely don't take her again
NTA. I honestly think you did everything you could have and telling her she needs to control her own emotions was 100% fair.
NTA. She sounds like a lot…
This woman is abusing you. Leave her.
Your partner has anger issues and she is taking them out on you. She gets angry when you go away. Angry when you take her. Angry when you don't cancel. Angry when the booking is not what she wants. Angry when you change it to what she does want. Do you want to spend your life with such an angry person? NTA Lucky she is just a girlfriend. Run.
What an exhausting pain in the ass. Unless she's a fucking demon in the sack, sounds like she's not worth the hassle.
Fun Girl. NTA The thing about work trips, you never see the place you are in. You see conference rooms and hotel restaurants. IF your partner is adventurous, then the partner can have a fun time looking around the city. Sounds like your GF isn't adventurous.
NTA. These are business trips. Your girlfriend needs to stay at home. That aside, please just break up with her. She’s manipulating you.
Your girlfriend is a nightmare. You’re NTA for telling her that regulating her emotions is her responsibility, but you would be the asshole (to yourself) for continuing to allow her to treat you this way. You are being mistreated, and you deserve better. Let her leave. Enjoy the rest of your trip. Break up and go no contact.