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Your aunts and uncles and cousins can have whatever opinions they want but I don’t hear them doing a single thing to actually support your mother.
Your mother is reaching a point where she can not care for herself. You love her and want to keep her healthy, happy, and safe. You want her to be able to be part of your life on a regular basis.
I can’t imagine your father loving a building more than his family. Do what is right for you and your mother and know that you are doing the right thing.
It makes me wonder if the relatives had started thinking that with you establishing yourself in a different country, if they might have “helped you” by living in your house since you didn’t need it. NTA
Edited to add: in fairness, I don’t know their motives and maybe they are just worried about how much they will miss you and your mother.
If it’s going to improve your and your mother’s life it’s the right thing to do. Did your dad love your mom and want her to have a good life? If yes, then doing the right thing for her IS honoring your father’s memory.
NTA, you and your mother should make this decision and not listen to anyone else. If they are objecting but not willing to care for your mother, they are leaving you and your mother with no other choice. It s none of their business as they are not willing to take care of your mother. Do what you and your mother think is best and blow those A-Holes off!
In this case you have to go with facts over feelings. The facts are
- mum is struggling to financially support herself and the home on her own
- mums health has made it difficult for her to care for herself
- you live overseas and she is YOUR mum.
- You said you know your dad would have approved
- memories and feelings are not going to keep your mum safe, warm, financially stable as she goes through her health issues.
- THEY ARE NOT HELPING HER.
(As long as you are an only child and have no other siblings to either of your parents of course, then imo it's on you to help mum to be able to live comfortably especially in this situation).
I can see why the extended family may have their issues with your idea
- you're taking her away from what her normal environment - if your mum is good with huge changes then it's fine but in my experience it is harder for older people to get used to
- she knows nobody where you are except you, so realistically when you aren't there she will be alone.
- her family and friends aren't around for her mental well being
Tough situation. Kinda. Realistically this discussion only concerns you and mum. People can have an opinion but for me, it won't change mums situation. It sounds like the only reason it has reached this point is because mum needs help and no-one in her vicinity is able to do this 24/7.
If you are 100% sure that when the decision is made, that's it's made WITH your mum (if she's capable of making decisions for herself) and not FOR your mum - then not the asshole.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because selling the house involves a significant decision that could potentially impact multiple family members and their emotional attachments. It's a delicate situation because while the intention behind selling the house is to provide a better living situation for your mom, it also involves potentially disregarding the sentimental value attached to the family home and going against cultural beliefs about preserving family heritage. Additionally, the objections from your extended family and their belief that the decision is disrespectful to your dad's memory add another layer of complexity to the situation.
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NTA. It's up to you and your mom to do what's best for the both of you. If you're not going to be living in the house then there's not much point in keeping it. Your extended family might be adamant that your mom should stay in the house, but they're not offering to pay for a live-in caretaker for her, and you can't afford one yourself. The well-being of your mom should not be secondary to cultural expectations. If your mom really is comfortable with the idea of moving abroad to live with you, then don't let the expectation of others stop you from making the decision. Keep in mind though that you will be separating your mom from all her friends and family and expecting her to adjust to life in a new country, and that could be pretty hard on her. If there's a language barrier it'll be even harder for her to adjust and make new friends.
NTA this decision is between you and your mom. The extended family can have their opinions, but that's about the extent of their authority in this matter.
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Hi everyone,
I (26F) need some perspective on a situation involving my mom (63F) and my late dad's house. My dad passed away four years ago, and my mom has been living alone in the house ever since. I currently live abroad for studies and am planning to settle here permanently.
Recently, I've decided to sell the house my dad left to me. The house is in my name now, and I believe selling it will provide the necessary funds to bring my mom to live with me abroad. She’s been feeling lonely and I worry about her being by herself. I want to make her life easier and more comfortable by having her close to me. If my dad were alive, I'm confident he would approve of this decision as he always wanted the best for us.
It took a long time to convince my mom to consider selling the house we’ve lived in for our entire lives. She’s a bit hesitant because in our country, there's a strong belief that kids need to keep the family’s heritage. Despite her hesitance, she seems open to the idea of moving.
My mom also has some eye issues and hasn't been able to see properly for months now. She doesn’t have enough money to live comfortably on her own without working, and with all the student debts I have, I cannot often send money to support her. Selling the house seems like the best idea in my opinion to ensure she has a stable and comfortable life.
However, my extended family (uncles, aunts, cousins) are strongly against this idea. They believe that selling the house is disrespectful to my dad's memory and that my mom should stay in the family home. They’ve also mentioned that it’s unfair to uproot her life like this. My cousins have even said that I'm not mature enough to make such a serious decision. Despite their opinions, I’m more than confident in what I’m about to do and believe it’s in my mom's best interest. Additionally, my relatives and neighbors who are pointing fingers at me for selling the house and trying to take my mom abroad are not actually taking care of her.
I feel conflicted because on one hand, I want to honor my dad's memory, but on the other hand, I want to do what’s best for my mom now. The house is a significant asset, and selling it would ensure my mom has a good life with me, where I can take care of her properly.
AITA for selling my dad's house to bring my mom abroad to live with me?
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NTA. The house is in your name so they need to stay out of this whole thing. If your mom is okay with moving and the selling then go for it. It sounds like you're the only one that cares for your mom, especially if she's having eye problems and is lonely. You're stepping up to be there for her and if you said to them I won't sell the house but I'll need your help in helping my mom I doubt they'd pitch in.
NTA. I understand your extended family has strong feelings about keeping the house in the family as a legacy, but feelings aren't going to put gas in your car.
See if they're interested in buying the house from you. If so, get a real estate agent to handle it for you and set a hard deadline. Heads up: This does risk bad feelings from your extended family because "You jacked up the price", or "You didn't give us enough time", or any number of other things. At least this way it shows you did make a sincere effort to keep your dad's legacy in the family.
As far as your neighbors (and family), you can invite them over to a casual lunch / dinner. (In manageable groups.) Once they're there your mom can (casually) tell them to their faces how she's totally OK with moving in with you overseas. Be prepared for some pushback from them.
Best of luck!
Info:
Why doesn’t anyone’s opinion, except for your mother’s, matter? Is there a cultural thing happening here? Because it sounds like you are infantilizing her. 63 is no where near “old”.
I never implied that she's old. Unfortunately, she has significant vision problems due to diabetes, which prevents her from seeing properly. Because of this, she can't work, and her health is unlikely to improve as she gets older. My main concern is to make sure she gets the rest and care she needs for the long term.
According to the culture, kids are supposed to look after family properties, but just having a big house doesn’t put food on the table or give her the care she needs.
I’m still confused. I get the house thing. I get that her health isn’t good.
But I don’t get why it’s your decision where your mom goes? Couldn’t she move in with another relative or on her own? Like, why are you deciding?
Oh! Got your point. In my culture, it's expected that children take care of their parents as they get older. It’s not just about the house; it's also about ensuring my mom's well-being. I believe she’ll be better off with me where I can personally look after her. While she could potentially move in with another relative or live on her own, it’s my responsibility as her only child to make sure she’s properly cared for, especially given her current condition.
I had to go back and read your mom’s age….. she’s 63!!!???
Tell your nosy neighbors and family this is none of their business. It’s up to your mother 100%
YTA. You haven't once mentioned what your mother **wants** to do, what country she wants to live in, or with whom.
Yet you are worried about what people who are not your mom think???
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Honestly, this is a cultural thing so you're asking the wrong people. Absent the cultural issues, NTA
You seem to be the only one thinking sensibly AND out of concern for what is best for your mom. NTA.
Your aunts and uncles and cousins can have whatever opinions they want but I don’t hear them doing a single thing to actually support your mother. Your mother is reaching a point where she can not care for herself. You love her and want to keep her healthy, happy, and safe. You want her to be able to be part of your life on a regular basis. I can’t imagine your father loving a building more than his family. Do what is right for you and your mother and know that you are doing the right thing. It makes me wonder if the relatives had started thinking that with you establishing yourself in a different country, if they might have “helped you” by living in your house since you didn’t need it. NTA Edited to add: in fairness, I don’t know their motives and maybe they are just worried about how much they will miss you and your mother.
If it’s going to improve your and your mother’s life it’s the right thing to do. Did your dad love your mom and want her to have a good life? If yes, then doing the right thing for her IS honoring your father’s memory.
Nta well they can buy it and keep it in the family then.
NTA, you and your mother should make this decision and not listen to anyone else. If they are objecting but not willing to care for your mother, they are leaving you and your mother with no other choice. It s none of their business as they are not willing to take care of your mother. Do what you and your mother think is best and blow those A-Holes off!
In this case you have to go with facts over feelings. The facts are - mum is struggling to financially support herself and the home on her own - mums health has made it difficult for her to care for herself - you live overseas and she is YOUR mum. - You said you know your dad would have approved - memories and feelings are not going to keep your mum safe, warm, financially stable as she goes through her health issues. - THEY ARE NOT HELPING HER. (As long as you are an only child and have no other siblings to either of your parents of course, then imo it's on you to help mum to be able to live comfortably especially in this situation). I can see why the extended family may have their issues with your idea - you're taking her away from what her normal environment - if your mum is good with huge changes then it's fine but in my experience it is harder for older people to get used to - she knows nobody where you are except you, so realistically when you aren't there she will be alone. - her family and friends aren't around for her mental well being Tough situation. Kinda. Realistically this discussion only concerns you and mum. People can have an opinion but for me, it won't change mums situation. It sounds like the only reason it has reached this point is because mum needs help and no-one in her vicinity is able to do this 24/7. If you are 100% sure that when the decision is made, that's it's made WITH your mum (if she's capable of making decisions for herself) and not FOR your mum - then not the asshole.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Because selling the house involves a significant decision that could potentially impact multiple family members and their emotional attachments. It's a delicate situation because while the intention behind selling the house is to provide a better living situation for your mom, it also involves potentially disregarding the sentimental value attached to the family home and going against cultural beliefs about preserving family heritage. Additionally, the objections from your extended family and their belief that the decision is disrespectful to your dad's memory add another layer of complexity to the situation. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It's up to you and your mom to do what's best for the both of you. If you're not going to be living in the house then there's not much point in keeping it. Your extended family might be adamant that your mom should stay in the house, but they're not offering to pay for a live-in caretaker for her, and you can't afford one yourself. The well-being of your mom should not be secondary to cultural expectations. If your mom really is comfortable with the idea of moving abroad to live with you, then don't let the expectation of others stop you from making the decision. Keep in mind though that you will be separating your mom from all her friends and family and expecting her to adjust to life in a new country, and that could be pretty hard on her. If there's a language barrier it'll be even harder for her to adjust and make new friends.
NTA this decision is between you and your mom. The extended family can have their opinions, but that's about the extent of their authority in this matter.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi everyone, I (26F) need some perspective on a situation involving my mom (63F) and my late dad's house. My dad passed away four years ago, and my mom has been living alone in the house ever since. I currently live abroad for studies and am planning to settle here permanently. Recently, I've decided to sell the house my dad left to me. The house is in my name now, and I believe selling it will provide the necessary funds to bring my mom to live with me abroad. She’s been feeling lonely and I worry about her being by herself. I want to make her life easier and more comfortable by having her close to me. If my dad were alive, I'm confident he would approve of this decision as he always wanted the best for us. It took a long time to convince my mom to consider selling the house we’ve lived in for our entire lives. She’s a bit hesitant because in our country, there's a strong belief that kids need to keep the family’s heritage. Despite her hesitance, she seems open to the idea of moving. My mom also has some eye issues and hasn't been able to see properly for months now. She doesn’t have enough money to live comfortably on her own without working, and with all the student debts I have, I cannot often send money to support her. Selling the house seems like the best idea in my opinion to ensure she has a stable and comfortable life. However, my extended family (uncles, aunts, cousins) are strongly against this idea. They believe that selling the house is disrespectful to my dad's memory and that my mom should stay in the family home. They’ve also mentioned that it’s unfair to uproot her life like this. My cousins have even said that I'm not mature enough to make such a serious decision. Despite their opinions, I’m more than confident in what I’m about to do and believe it’s in my mom's best interest. Additionally, my relatives and neighbors who are pointing fingers at me for selling the house and trying to take my mom abroad are not actually taking care of her. I feel conflicted because on one hand, I want to honor my dad's memory, but on the other hand, I want to do what’s best for my mom now. The house is a significant asset, and selling it would ensure my mom has a good life with me, where I can take care of her properly. AITA for selling my dad's house to bring my mom abroad to live with me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. The house is in your name so they need to stay out of this whole thing. If your mom is okay with moving and the selling then go for it. It sounds like you're the only one that cares for your mom, especially if she's having eye problems and is lonely. You're stepping up to be there for her and if you said to them I won't sell the house but I'll need your help in helping my mom I doubt they'd pitch in.
NTA. I understand your extended family has strong feelings about keeping the house in the family as a legacy, but feelings aren't going to put gas in your car. See if they're interested in buying the house from you. If so, get a real estate agent to handle it for you and set a hard deadline. Heads up: This does risk bad feelings from your extended family because "You jacked up the price", or "You didn't give us enough time", or any number of other things. At least this way it shows you did make a sincere effort to keep your dad's legacy in the family. As far as your neighbors (and family), you can invite them over to a casual lunch / dinner. (In manageable groups.) Once they're there your mom can (casually) tell them to their faces how she's totally OK with moving in with you overseas. Be prepared for some pushback from them. Best of luck!
Info: Why doesn’t anyone’s opinion, except for your mother’s, matter? Is there a cultural thing happening here? Because it sounds like you are infantilizing her. 63 is no where near “old”.
I never implied that she's old. Unfortunately, she has significant vision problems due to diabetes, which prevents her from seeing properly. Because of this, she can't work, and her health is unlikely to improve as she gets older. My main concern is to make sure she gets the rest and care she needs for the long term. According to the culture, kids are supposed to look after family properties, but just having a big house doesn’t put food on the table or give her the care she needs.
I’m still confused. I get the house thing. I get that her health isn’t good. But I don’t get why it’s your decision where your mom goes? Couldn’t she move in with another relative or on her own? Like, why are you deciding?
Oh! Got your point. In my culture, it's expected that children take care of their parents as they get older. It’s not just about the house; it's also about ensuring my mom's well-being. I believe she’ll be better off with me where I can personally look after her. While she could potentially move in with another relative or live on her own, it’s my responsibility as her only child to make sure she’s properly cared for, especially given her current condition.
I had to go back and read your mom’s age….. she’s 63!!!??? Tell your nosy neighbors and family this is none of their business. It’s up to your mother 100%
YTA. You haven't once mentioned what your mother **wants** to do, what country she wants to live in, or with whom. Yet you are worried about what people who are not your mom think???
Paragraph 3, last sentence… She’s open to move with me..