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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My actions were having boundaries with a roommate but being told i had too many rules to have a roommate and that I was not fair. I’m asking if i would be the jerk if i asked her to move out.
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It sounds like you’re not compatible as roommates, which happens. What’s her lease like? (You did have her sign a lease or a subletter’s agreement, right?) I think you’d be NTA to end her lease at the end of her term, or give her 60 days notice to leave if she’s month-to-month for lifestyle incompatibility reasons.
I do think you should consider picking up a part time job to cover the difference in rent instead of finding another roommate. You’re welcome to have whatever rules you want in your home, but you’re going to have a hard time finding someone willing to do things to your standards.
I do work full time as a manager, so financially my husband and i won’t struggle without a roommate. we currently don’t have a lease with her as i offered a helping hand because she was in the middle of a divorce. butttt our current lease ends in 2.5 months and we were talking about not renewing it.
It’s not that I thought you didn’t work, just that working a few nights or weekends a month to make up the $650 would likely be less stressful for you than living with someone who bothers you so much. You brought up the cost so I thought that might be a motivating factor. If you and your husband can get a different place yourselves with just your own incomes, I would definitely do that. Just give her a heads up (“hey husband and I are getting our own place when this lease ends in august. If you want to stay I can give you the landlord’s contact info, if not the last day will be _____.”)
I definitely sympathize, the day I was finally able to get a place with no roommates was amazing.
oh okay lol, yeah we technically didn’t need a roommate but we both thought it would be nice to have some extra pocket change at the end of the month. but we are definitely planning on getting a smaller place because the COL here is crazy, thank you for the advice!!!
YWBTA
No pot or other drugs was fine. But she's held to it so that's not really an issue. If she lives there, she should be allowed to have a social life and she doesn't need to check in with you about it. She is also allowed to throw out trash and other basic things of living in her home.
Let her live out the year of her lease and don't renew it.
ETAH to some extent. (At her age you'd hope she'd know better than to crap out a room like that, but also that is where she lives -- she's at home and she's gonna be herself in her private space -- and y'all clearly didn't communicate enough about expectations around cleanliness or guests ahead of time.)
More importantly, in my mind, it seems like you are shopping for support. If you post an issue in enough groups and reframe it enough times, sooner or later you will find at least some I suppose, regardless of the topic. But if you're not open to feedback (if the only acceptable answer is NTA and you won't respect any other answer) then you're just wasting everyone's time. Maybe you could go start a group called "NTA” and disable comments or something.
i agree it looks like i’m shopping for support, but in my situation i don’t need any validation because i’ve already made up my mind. i just wanted outside perspectives on the issue at hand
MBTA (Might Be TA) Considering you have about two months left on the lease, it sounds like it seems like enough notice that she ought to consider exploring other options for living arrangements. I’m retired military and understand the challenge of living in places where cannabis is legal for everyone else. As far as your roommate’s tendency toward slovenly behavior, that might require gentle guidance, though.
Just realize you will have to evict her. If she knows the system, she will be there for another 90 (minimum) days and can make your life a living hell by breaking any rules you have. Be prepared to hire an attorney who specializes in landlord/tenant laws. Good luck.
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WIBTA if I asked my roommate to find another place?
I’ve posted in a diff sub about this situation and was told i had too many rules, but i believe this is reasonable when sharing a living space with someone. Our ages are: Me (20F), my husband (21M) and my roommate (24F)
I have a roommate that’s renting out a room for $650/month. This is in the PNW so rent out here is not cheap. I have 4 reasons why I want to ask her to look for another place:
The 1st is that we asked her to not do any drugs in our home because my husband cannot be around them whatsoever (he is military), we told her we don’t care if she does do drugs, just not do them at home. We came home and the house smelled like weed, and we asked her about it and she admitted to smoking inside the house but it was just a dab pen. We told her we know it wasn’t a dab pen and asked her not to do it again or we would have to ask her to move out, she didn’t do it again, okay great!
The second is that she has only been living with us for 5 months and recently threw out 2 50gal industrial sized trash bags from her room and it was all garbage. Now idk how or why this happens but it was kinda.. I helped her take it out and everything but it rubbed me the wrong way. I grew up with a mom who cleaned houses for a living so i know what built up trash does to a home.
The third kind of ties into the trash thing. She had about 10 little to medium sized boxes in her room and she set them in our entry way (6’Lx2’W) and said she would take them out the next morning. This was on Tues, it’s now Sat. I understand procrastination but in a shared living space like an entry way i feel like it’s kind of necessary to keep it tidy.
The fourth and final thing that really irked me was that I came home Thurs and Fri to a complete stranger in my house. This was the guy she’s been talking to for about 2-3 weeks. It was just her and i with a grown man in the home. Now idk if it’s just because i watch too many true crime shows but that isn’t really a situation i’m comfy with!!! We also only have one exit and entry point so it’s def not a good situation if things went south. This may just be paranoia but as a woman i feel like it’s reasonable.
In my recent post in a different sub i wrote that i was mostly upset about the fact that she didn’t text me about it to give me a heads up. Now i do admit that i did write “like a day before or the morning of” which does sound kind of like parenting but i would have appreciated at least a couple hours in advance! We always text her “hey i’m planning on having a couple friends over tonight/tomorrow/a couple days from now” in case she wants to be involved or just wants to be left alone. So it’s not like all of these “rules” are just for her, we follow these rules out of common courtesy for her and each other.
I also admit that I do have a couple pew pews in my room that aren’t locked up and because of my recent post to that sub that i should lock up.
So, WIBTA?
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YTA
> we asked her to not do any drugs in our home because my husband cannot be around them whatsoever (he is military)
If she's paying rent, it's **_her_ home**, too.
Since this is PNW, I'm assuming her cannabis is perfectly legal.
Your husband's backwards job sounds like the problem here, not the roommate.
I don’t know, I live in Colorado and am a cannabis user, but I still would prefer that no one smoke or vape indoors. It sounds like they didn’t tell the roommate she can’t use or possess it, just that she can’t use it inside where other people have to be exposed to it. That’s reasonable to me.
he is in the military, it is a zero tolerance for any drugs whatsoever. so… yea it’s legal but i offered her the patio where she can do it just fine, just not in the home! again we don’t care if she does them, i even partake but not around my husband.
NTA I think you are justified, and even if you weren’t it is still your house and you realize this isn’t a good fit. You don’t owe her any explanation. However, if she insists tell her that she is nasty.
Sounds like you guys aren’t compatible as roommates.
I understand not wanting someone to do drugs in your home… even if you’re not in the military. That’s a fair rule to have. But why do you care how many bags of trash she has to throw out? lol the boxes thing would annoy me too but I would also mention it to her everyday until she threw them out or asked her to keep them in her room. Also, if she is single, she’s going to date.. which means she’s going to want to have people over in her living space, that’s natural for anyone.
NTA.. but maybe just do a better screening process with the next roommate.
YWNBTA, but the fact she's willing to entertain a virtual stranger in the home with no consideration for you and she has partaken in the use of MJ in your home when you made it clear that was a no go, for very good reason, I would be serving her with an eviction notice.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My actions were having boundaries with a roommate but being told i had too many rules to have a roommate and that I was not fair. I’m asking if i would be the jerk if i asked her to move out. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It sounds like you’re not compatible as roommates, which happens. What’s her lease like? (You did have her sign a lease or a subletter’s agreement, right?) I think you’d be NTA to end her lease at the end of her term, or give her 60 days notice to leave if she’s month-to-month for lifestyle incompatibility reasons. I do think you should consider picking up a part time job to cover the difference in rent instead of finding another roommate. You’re welcome to have whatever rules you want in your home, but you’re going to have a hard time finding someone willing to do things to your standards.
I do work full time as a manager, so financially my husband and i won’t struggle without a roommate. we currently don’t have a lease with her as i offered a helping hand because she was in the middle of a divorce. butttt our current lease ends in 2.5 months and we were talking about not renewing it.
It’s not that I thought you didn’t work, just that working a few nights or weekends a month to make up the $650 would likely be less stressful for you than living with someone who bothers you so much. You brought up the cost so I thought that might be a motivating factor. If you and your husband can get a different place yourselves with just your own incomes, I would definitely do that. Just give her a heads up (“hey husband and I are getting our own place when this lease ends in august. If you want to stay I can give you the landlord’s contact info, if not the last day will be _____.”) I definitely sympathize, the day I was finally able to get a place with no roommates was amazing.
oh okay lol, yeah we technically didn’t need a roommate but we both thought it would be nice to have some extra pocket change at the end of the month. but we are definitely planning on getting a smaller place because the COL here is crazy, thank you for the advice!!!
Of you're nor renewing there isn't a conflict here; you find a place, tell her you're not renewing, give notice. No issue
YWBTA No pot or other drugs was fine. But she's held to it so that's not really an issue. If she lives there, she should be allowed to have a social life and she doesn't need to check in with you about it. She is also allowed to throw out trash and other basic things of living in her home. Let her live out the year of her lease and don't renew it.
ETAH to some extent. (At her age you'd hope she'd know better than to crap out a room like that, but also that is where she lives -- she's at home and she's gonna be herself in her private space -- and y'all clearly didn't communicate enough about expectations around cleanliness or guests ahead of time.) More importantly, in my mind, it seems like you are shopping for support. If you post an issue in enough groups and reframe it enough times, sooner or later you will find at least some I suppose, regardless of the topic. But if you're not open to feedback (if the only acceptable answer is NTA and you won't respect any other answer) then you're just wasting everyone's time. Maybe you could go start a group called "NTA” and disable comments or something.
i agree it looks like i’m shopping for support, but in my situation i don’t need any validation because i’ve already made up my mind. i just wanted outside perspectives on the issue at hand
So you should be looking for a "how should I handle this" group, since you've already determined you're NTA no matter what.
MBTA (Might Be TA) Considering you have about two months left on the lease, it sounds like it seems like enough notice that she ought to consider exploring other options for living arrangements. I’m retired military and understand the challenge of living in places where cannabis is legal for everyone else. As far as your roommate’s tendency toward slovenly behavior, that might require gentle guidance, though.
Just realize you will have to evict her. If she knows the system, she will be there for another 90 (minimum) days and can make your life a living hell by breaking any rules you have. Be prepared to hire an attorney who specializes in landlord/tenant laws. Good luck.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** WIBTA if I asked my roommate to find another place? I’ve posted in a diff sub about this situation and was told i had too many rules, but i believe this is reasonable when sharing a living space with someone. Our ages are: Me (20F), my husband (21M) and my roommate (24F) I have a roommate that’s renting out a room for $650/month. This is in the PNW so rent out here is not cheap. I have 4 reasons why I want to ask her to look for another place: The 1st is that we asked her to not do any drugs in our home because my husband cannot be around them whatsoever (he is military), we told her we don’t care if she does do drugs, just not do them at home. We came home and the house smelled like weed, and we asked her about it and she admitted to smoking inside the house but it was just a dab pen. We told her we know it wasn’t a dab pen and asked her not to do it again or we would have to ask her to move out, she didn’t do it again, okay great! The second is that she has only been living with us for 5 months and recently threw out 2 50gal industrial sized trash bags from her room and it was all garbage. Now idk how or why this happens but it was kinda.. I helped her take it out and everything but it rubbed me the wrong way. I grew up with a mom who cleaned houses for a living so i know what built up trash does to a home. The third kind of ties into the trash thing. She had about 10 little to medium sized boxes in her room and she set them in our entry way (6’Lx2’W) and said she would take them out the next morning. This was on Tues, it’s now Sat. I understand procrastination but in a shared living space like an entry way i feel like it’s kind of necessary to keep it tidy. The fourth and final thing that really irked me was that I came home Thurs and Fri to a complete stranger in my house. This was the guy she’s been talking to for about 2-3 weeks. It was just her and i with a grown man in the home. Now idk if it’s just because i watch too many true crime shows but that isn’t really a situation i’m comfy with!!! We also only have one exit and entry point so it’s def not a good situation if things went south. This may just be paranoia but as a woman i feel like it’s reasonable. In my recent post in a different sub i wrote that i was mostly upset about the fact that she didn’t text me about it to give me a heads up. Now i do admit that i did write “like a day before or the morning of” which does sound kind of like parenting but i would have appreciated at least a couple hours in advance! We always text her “hey i’m planning on having a couple friends over tonight/tomorrow/a couple days from now” in case she wants to be involved or just wants to be left alone. So it’s not like all of these “rules” are just for her, we follow these rules out of common courtesy for her and each other. I also admit that I do have a couple pew pews in my room that aren’t locked up and because of my recent post to that sub that i should lock up. So, WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA > we asked her to not do any drugs in our home because my husband cannot be around them whatsoever (he is military) If she's paying rent, it's **_her_ home**, too. Since this is PNW, I'm assuming her cannabis is perfectly legal. Your husband's backwards job sounds like the problem here, not the roommate.
I don’t know, I live in Colorado and am a cannabis user, but I still would prefer that no one smoke or vape indoors. It sounds like they didn’t tell the roommate she can’t use or possess it, just that she can’t use it inside where other people have to be exposed to it. That’s reasonable to me.
Yea, it’s not just op’s home, it’s a shared rental I think YTA for telling her she can or can’t have company
he is in the military, it is a zero tolerance for any drugs whatsoever. so… yea it’s legal but i offered her the patio where she can do it just fine, just not in the home! again we don’t care if she does them, i even partake but not around my husband.
Unless he has no self control and was doing them with her, not really an issue
NTA I think you are justified, and even if you weren’t it is still your house and you realize this isn’t a good fit. You don’t owe her any explanation. However, if she insists tell her that she is nasty.
Your roommate is knowingly putting your husband's career at risk. YWNBTA
Sounds like you guys aren’t compatible as roommates. I understand not wanting someone to do drugs in your home… even if you’re not in the military. That’s a fair rule to have. But why do you care how many bags of trash she has to throw out? lol the boxes thing would annoy me too but I would also mention it to her everyday until she threw them out or asked her to keep them in her room. Also, if she is single, she’s going to date.. which means she’s going to want to have people over in her living space, that’s natural for anyone. NTA.. but maybe just do a better screening process with the next roommate.
YWNBTA, but the fact she's willing to entertain a virtual stranger in the home with no consideration for you and she has partaken in the use of MJ in your home when you made it clear that was a no go, for very good reason, I would be serving her with an eviction notice.