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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my mum to stop commenting on my weight loss when it made me uncomfortable, I may be the asshole because I should have just taken the compliment and not involve my dad to not offend my mum
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NTA. No one needs to comment on your body. What counts is inside. You never changed there. I understand where you are coming from, and I am sorry your mom has said those things. But, on a different note, please, let me congratulate you on your weight loss!! That is no easy feat!! Take care of yourself, OP.
Nothing but sympathy!
Check out @yrfatfriend, Aubrey Gordon. She's a fat activist and strong proponent of health at every size nutrition (as are my wife and I, I'm a physician, she's an eating disorder dietitian).
Aubrey has made it her mission to dispel diet culture myths and reinforce that just about anyone can be healthy at any size. The most important thing is to do health promoting activities, like getting your chronic pain under control, and staying active (e.g. participating in an archeological dig)!! Sounds awesome!
You keep doing you, and enjoy your life! Your mom (and diet culture) will always try to celebrate weight loss, but it seems you already know better! : ) Just keep redirecting and don't engage her in the diet talk or celebration of weight.
Considering her chronic pain, and the fact she missed her period for 4 months leads me to believe she isn't all that healthy at 19. Could be weight attributed or not, but it could be symptoms of a larger cause.
She stated that the chronic pain was not caused by weight (in comments states spinal issues since she was 9yo) but has hindered her ability to exercise. I don't see where you are seeing about the period however there's a lot of things that can cause that
As a physician (with a wife who is an eating disorder dietician) you should know better than to say people can be healthy at any size! The diabetes epidemic, increase in high blood pressure, dementia at earlier and earlier ages, and prevalence of obesity in young people is nothing to advocate for. The person who is obese and 'healthy' at 20 will be a person with crippling metabolic disorder by 40 unless they figure out a way to help themselves. Your job is to help them do that, not say they are "fine". I'm appalled.
Well, then when you share where you got your medical degree and your peer-reviewed studies I'm happy to debate you. Because the simple fact exists that not every fat person is unhealthy and not every thin person is healthy.
And it was curious how you glossed over where I said that health promoting behaviors were still necessary. That includes eating well and exercise. What it does not include is monitoring your weight and starvation diets. And I also said CAN, not ARE. There is a time and place for addressing metabolic disease, and it's not appropriate to apply it universally to all fat people.
So, as soon as there are no more thin people with heart disease and diabetes, and when every single fat person shows evidence of metabolic disease, I will accept your viewpoint. But, until that time, I'll continue to practice the best medicine way I've been trained to, thanks.
There’s always SOMEONE who completely misinterprets what “healthy at any size” actually means. It’s so frustrating! As a larger person, I’m so happy there are people like you and your wife doing what you do! I’m sorry about the tosspots
That's an odd black and white take on health from a physician.
Of course not all fat people are having metabolic or heart disease. However, as a physician, I'm sure you know there [are plenty ](https://www.pennmedicine.org/updates/blogs/metabolic-and-bariatric-surgery-blog/2019/march/obesity-and-heart-disease#:~:text=Obese%20individuals%20require%20more%20blood,more%20common%20for%20obese%20individuals.) of [studies done ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3250069/) [that link obesity with premature death](https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(16)30175-1/fulltext). The correlation and causation are there in peer reviewed studies. I find it wildly disappointing that a physician would advocate anything to the contrary. It's one thing to encourage making healthy choices regardless of size but to deny that *most* overweight people experience added risks to their health is down right denial at best and lying for your own gain at worst.
Those correlations aren't as strong as we are taught that they are, and there are also robust studies that show that all cause mortality is lowest for people who actively participate in health promoting behaviors (eating health, exercise, getting quality sleep, etc.), regardless of their weight.
I'm not advocating for ignoring diagnosable disease (which should be obvious, but is sadly ignored as soon as people hear that weight is not a good quality metric for health). But I won't advocate for weight loss at any cost when doing so is, at best, ineffective and can be extremely harmful at worst. I also won't use weight as a metric as health, since, as you stated, not all fat people have evidence of metabolic disease.
Where are your peer reviewed studies? I linked 4 reputable health sites with peer reviewed sources, you claim to be a physician but the advice you're shilling isn't the advice I've heard any responsible physician give.
No one said "weight loss at any cost" there are plenty of healthy ways to lose weight.
I’ve been a variety of weights. You make good points. The other half is that underweight is also associated with a host of serious problems, including shortened lifespan — and people with anorexia die far too early, many times. Large weight loss carries risks, too. I’ve lost one family member from complications associated with substantial weight gain/loss, and almost lost another from anorexia. The dangers are real, both directions.
Better and more accurate than to claim health has nothing to do with size, as this couple claims, would be to encourage people to take good care of themselves, mentally and physically, whatever the scale says — and then a healthy weight is easier to achieve/sustain, anyhow.
Been heavy since childhood. Dx'd with Metabolic Syndrome in my mid-30s. Struggled and struggled with my weight. DX'd DM2 at age 50. DM has been controlled with meds (non-insulin) until about a year ago when everything started to climb. My PCP put me on Mounjaro and it's been a godsend. This is where I truly learned about my metabolic dysfunction. My A1c is now 5.2. AM-FBG running around 90. Down 60 lbs. I firmly believe that chronic obesity WILL catch up to a person if it's not tackled APPROPRIATELY. And that includes healthy eating, exercise, and TREATMENT for biochemical imbalances in people with chronic issues, including PCOS. How I wish this med had been around 20 years ago. I may...MAY have avoided contracting DM if it had been.
ETA: "Help themselves." I would want you to define that I bc see countless stories of chronically obese people doing everything under the sun to "help themselves" to little or no avail and it took metabolic regulation via Rx med to turn things around. I think it's incumbent on the medical profession to get educated on CO as a disease. It's not a moral or character failing.
I'd be very clear with her on your boundaries, I had to do this with my grandmother.
But just a word of advice from a fellow chonky gal with chronic pain...your weight does affect things, even if it's not _causing_ the pain it has an effect on how you experience things. Most weight related health issues are caused by being at a larger weight for long periods so while you're not having health issues now they can appear down the line from continuing stress. Things like back and joint issues, organ damage etc. So please don't let feeling that you're fine now keep you from seeking to be healthier. It just gets harder as you get older!
You can be beautiful and happy at any size but we should also try to be as healthy as possible for our bodies and future!
I wish you all the very best in uni and with everything!!
💯 it is a fallacy that you can be "healthy at any weight". You may be ok when you're younger but the extra weight as you age is extremely detrimental. Joint issues, diabetes and dementia not to mention shortened life span. No one should put up with comments that make them feel uncomfortable but OP please don't drink the Kool Aid and believe that excess weight to the point of obesity is healthy.
Now that really depends on how much extra weight and age group. Being underweight actually comes with a higher mortality rate for older people, than adipositas grade I. Just being overweight is actually not really detrimental health wise. I'm not saying that it's healthy, but it definitely isn't helpful to generalise. Also it really depends on your eating and exercise habits. (What OP describes does not sound like healthy eating habits, though- I would work more on that if being healthier is a goal)
💯 being an asshole to people and insisting your opinion must be taken as gospel is a short track to dying alone. Tone it down. OP can change her weight but you're gonna struggle to change your awful personality.
Absolutely this. There will come a time when weight + chronic pain becomes a downward spiral. That's where I'm stuck right now. I've had chronic knee problems for going on 15 years or longer thanks to an actual birth/growth defect -- my kneecap is too small and constantly grinds, leading to bone spurs and now arthritis. The initial cause obviously has nothing to do with my weight and I was in a decent holding pattern for a long time until I injured myself 3 years ago.
What activity I had been doing stopped, and I hit a spiral. The more pain I was in, the less active I could be, my weight went up. More pain, less active, more weight gain, etc. I'm also pre-diabetic now. I started watching my diet and lost a little weight, but it threw my blood sugar out of whack again, so more complications.
The attitude of "I'm healthy, so I don't need to do anything" basically just kicks your problems down the road to a time when you may not have as many options to reverse it.
Absolutely. I'm a full blown type 2 Diabetic though my numbers are fairly good and hold steady it still puts me at risk of so so much damage. And it's so limiting. I wish you all the best with your challenges!
This is a comment I made lower down but I really wanted to repost it in the hopes OP will see it and take it into consideration from someone who's 35, overweight abd also has chronic pain issues!
No...no her mom cannot bodyshame her. That's not ok in anyway, shape, or form and will help her daughter to be healthier. It will likely make her even less responsive to things she says because of the negative and hurtful way it's being approached.
Telling her mom she's fat when she is obviously already dealing with her own personal issues with weight would also not be helpful or supportive. I know you're trying to be positive and supportive but your advice is harmful.
Shaming someone is not an act of love and shouldn't be encouraged. There are ways to have serious conversations in a plain, up front and clear manner with outusing painful or insulting language.
When I was about 16/17 my grandparents had just gotten back from Hawaii. I used to go and stay over at their house all the time and my grandmother was coming to pick me up from work so I could stay the weekend with them. Gma picked me up and we chatted in the car on the drive home. When we got to the house I went upstairs to change from my work clothes (a white button up shirt and khaki pants, so nothing super flattering) and then came back down where Gma patted the couch next to her and told me to come sit down, she wanted to talk to me, I thought she was going to tell me about their trip. I was very wrong.
Gma told me that when she pulled up to get me from work then first thing she thought was how fat I had gotten. They had been gone for two weeks, I hadn't put on any weight. I was also at one of the smallest sizes I'd ever been, though I was still a bit chunky. But that was her first thought, not ah there's my granddaughter I love and missed! She went on to tell me how my joints were going to give out and I would die before I was 30. It was incredibly hurtful coming from someone I loved and who I thought loved and supported me. She then followed me around the house as I tried to get space and I ended up leaving and getting my mum to come get me. I know she's from a different generation and they talk about things differently but it was really rough to go through. I had to be very clear about boundaries and what was and wasn't going to be allowed going forward.
Being over weight is not healthy and even if the pain OP experiences doesn't originate because of her weight, her weight _will_ have an effect on it. Whether that happens now as increased pain or in years to come in the form of joint pain and deterioration or both is a bit of a toss up. Being overweight for long periods causes more harm and damage and the longer you bear the weight the harder it is to get it off, especially as you get older.
Health at every size (imo) is a dangerous movement because it leads people to believe that you can be morbidly obese and yet still be healthy and that's just not true. Our bodies were not meant to bear that kind of weight, especially not long term and it causes major issues with multiple organ systems, bones, soft tissues, joints, everything. It can even cause increased pressure in your skull leading to neurological complications.
Beauty at every size does exist, and everyone deserves to feel beautiful and confident and comfortable in their skin. I've been over weight for most of my adult life due to some serious health issues. I've struggled and worked continuously to lose weight in a healthy manner, to be as healthy as I can. I feel comfortable in my skin, I don't have a desire to be skinny or super small, I like having a little pudge and squish, my partners like it too! But I want to be healthy. I want things to be easier on my body. I already have diabetes and the beginning of joint issues, I don't want them to get worse.
But we need to be considerate of the language we use and how we approach these topics so that we can have frank and honest conversations without being hurtful or making the person feel lesser or as though the rest of who they are doesn't matter beyond how big they are.
That is not at all what HAES is about.
“HAES is based on five principles: weight inclusivity, health enhancement, respectful care, eating for wellbeing, and life-enhancing movement, all of which support building healthy habits, as opposed to fixating on weight status.”
You are just as bad as her mother by lecturing her about her body, health and weight. Stick to the question asked: how to tell her mother to stop commenting on her weight and body. You should so the same and take your concern trolling elsewhere.
I'm sorry but I'm not "concern trolling" I'm sharing experience of what could very possibly be her future. I'm 35 and over weight, I also have chronic pain. It only gets harde8r to lose weight as you get older. I want her to be aware of this so she can use the information to her benefit. To also know she's not alone in this struggle. There are serious concerns that can be easy to brush off.
I want OP to be able to set healthy boundaries with her mother and also be able to live her best life in all aspects and not wind uo where I am as a type 2 Diabetic who's starting to have joint issues and too much pressure on her brain. And I'm not not even super super overweight.
You are NTA by a long shot. No one has the right to comment on your weight or appearance, and your mum should accept that she shouldn’t do something that upsets you.
I have a lot of food/weight related issues because my family are the same, my nan is obsessed with whatever new fad diet comes out and passed the obsession to my mum and aunt (who are slowly recovering) and myself (fortunately the other grandkids are much younger). It’s taken me years but I now have a ‘you don’t comment on my body or eating habits in any capacity’ rule with her that she is starting to accept.
I still discuss things occasionally with my mum and aunt, mostly because I want them to see how damaging it was and how much it could damage the other ‘kids’ (various teens/tweens). But I have to be the one to initiate.
Nta nobody want's to talk about their weight. I was overweight when I had some stomach issues. I was eating all the time but still lost 40lbs. I was sick and it was just going right through me. I ended up in the hospital. I have now gained back all that weight plus some because I got use to being hungry and eating all the time and still losing weight. I'm now at my heaviest.
It's strange for me because some people saw the weigh loss as a blessing and some like a curse because I lost it from being sick. Same goes for gaining the weight back. Some people are like nice to see you gaining weight now. It would be great if I had stopped gaining weight quite a few pounds ago.
My question is just for you to think about. Is telling her it worth it? Your mom is just happy for you. Her comments make you uncomfortable but she's still going to see weight loss as a healthy thing for someone she cares about regardless. Sometimes you can talk to your parents to get them to see thing your way and sometimes you can't Sometimes it's not worth the fight. I'm in my 40's and work a fairly hard job in construction. I go to help my stepdad do things around the house and get scolded by my mom for working hard and being careful. I'm still saying things like. I do this all week every week for the last 25yrs I know what I'm doing. She still can't help herself so I just make the same old comment with an extra year added on and let it slide. Why because not hurting her feelings is more important than actually getting her to see me as a competent adult who can manage their own life. Sometimes I get mad also it happens.
Here's a hint, don't congratulate people on that.
Especially if you don't know how or why they lost it.
I used to have otherwise confidential info about employees at work because of my job duties. The number of times I had to silently cringe while people complimented cancer patients, people with eating disorders, or people who'd gone through a major trauma and many other horrible reasons on their weight loss - well, it was so large I lost count.
Plus, there are many people in bodies that fluctuate in size for whatever reason that dont want that commented on or noticed, and many that also find it deeply offensive when people do.
Dont. Comment. On. Peoples'. Bodies. Just stop.
Unless the person *asks* you if you think their body looks good, keep comments to things they chose about themselves like clothes, hairstyle, makeup, jewelry or accessories.
Especially when OP literally just said she feels uncomfortable with her mom congratulating her on it when it was unintentional. Incredibly tone deaf to then congratulate her anyways.
I agree. I lost a lot of weight when my son died. To this day I have a hard time eating. The people who comment on how great I look are the ones that know me. I could excuse a stranger saying something, but I thought the ones that are close with me knew why I was dropping weight so fast, and that it wasn't a good thing.
I have a friend who has struggled with weight for a lot of her life, except when she was a heroin addict. She said she got compliments on her body all the time. She wanted to scream, and told me "I was literally dying and being told how great I looked." I have to remind myself of that story sometimes when I want to give a compliment.
You just did the same thing the OP is complaining about. Why would you congratulate her on her weight loss? She's not actively trying to lose weight. It's like you still want to define her by her weight or attempts to lose it.
You're NTA.
>She doesn't get why it hurts my feelings because she would love to be told that.
>my dad told me I should just take the compliment and stop complaining.
Because **you look so much better because you have lost weight** is a backhanded compliment at best, and a thinly veiled insult at worst.
Your mom is too focused on your appearance and her idea of what is attractive. If she were concern about your health and was expressing that, I wouldn't be as quick to call her an A-H.
What your mom is doing is unproductive and rude.
Exactly that. I think it's an older generation thing, my mum is the same. She equivalates good looks with being skinny, and has been on and off diets for as long as I can remember because of it. Doesn't matter that everyone around her doesn't care, because she looks fine, she just grew up with those comments so it's kind of ingrained in her.
The main thing here, OP, is just to ask your mum to not comment on your weight at all. It just shouldn't be a thing. Weight fluctuates, and unless you talk about it yourself, she shouldn't be commenting on it. Imagine you were sick and she was inadvertently praising you for losing weight unhealthily? Imagine you gain weight again in a few months, will she think less of you then?
But most importantly, you just don't want her to mention it, and she should respect that. I totally understand not wanting her to comment on it, and she should understand that, no matter the reason tbh.
NTA. “You look good since you lost weight” carries the message “you weren’t good enough when you were fatter” and “you will stop being good enough if you gain the weight back”. Talk about conditional love.
NTA - it's fathomable that your mom's comments about your weight hurt, even if she means well. Everyone has different feelings about their appearance, and you've clearly told her these comments bother you =)
It's not about rejecting compliments, but setting boundaries around things that make you uncomfortable. Your feelings are valid and you deserve respect and support from your family =)
NTA. When I was about 19-20 I drastically lost a lot of weight after pneumonia and everyone complimented me saying “you look so much better”, a few months later I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and I was always exhausted after losing so much weight fast and couldn’t even breath properly. People should stop commenting on other people’s weight and make “compliments” like this regardless of a situation.
I've been in a similar situation. My body looked best 2 years ago and for the first time in my teen/adult life my stomach was practically flat. But I was on a strict diet, my meals weren't balanced and I had very little energy. After another doctor advised against that diet I needed a year to get back in the same mental state as I was before. I am now 20kg heavier but I'm feeling much better and can do so much more. Now I am trying to drop again a bit but by healthy diet and exercising. Somewhere in the middle of those 2 states I was/am in would be where I feel and look the best.
Yeah, several years ago I lost a bunch of weight in a short time due to serious stomach issues, and I had a coworker at the time who was trying hard to lose weight herself. She was constantly making comments about how good I looked and going on about how she needed to do what I was doing. I kept telling her to stop before finally sitting her down and explaining that I had been to the ER twice and was worried I was going to end up hospitalized, so she needed to stop making all those comments. She mostly did, thankfully.
Weight loss isn't always good, and it isn't always comfortable to be at the center of a lot of attention even when it is a positive thing.
NTA but I have a few comments about your post. Weight does have an effect on looks for a lot of people and there's nothing wrong with that just so long as people aren't dicks about it.
Just because being overweight doesn't affect your health now doesn't mean it won't down the road. You could say the exact same thing about smoking.
It’s delusional to think weight has not effects on looks or health. If someone is happy being big good for them, just like smoking I wouldn’t comment on it being harmful unless asked because is their body; so I do agree the mom should shut up.
being fat is pretty much as bad as smoking. you don't feel it in the short term. but just like smoke ruins your lungs over the years, excess fat ruins your blood vessels and heart muscle, and both of them contribute to cancer. both of them are hard to get rid of.
Also the chronic back pain not being related to weight is BS.
Do things people have back problems? Sure. But fat people have way more. And carrying extra weight will make any back/knee/foot problem worse.
>that doesn't really bother me
Yet.
>It's not causing me health concerns
Yet.
>I don't really see it as a problem.
Come back here in 20 years.
You are NTA for asking your mom to stop making comments about your weight loss but you are Y T A to your future self because you delude yourself to believe that being overweight is not a problem. It might not be a problem to you now, but it will be a problem to your joints in 15-20-30 years.
I get this. Tho the back pain is from a spinal issue and is not weight related as confirmed by 2 drs. :). Now that I can be as active as I wanted to be due to pain management I suppose passive weight loss is on the cards for me now.
So I’m having issues with energy, I’m also overweight but I know it’s not weight related because I lost 40 pounds and the energy issue got worse.
I also have Breathing issues and for the longest time, even when I was a kid and a healthy weight and super active, I’ve had issues with losing my breath to the point of gasping for air for about three to ten minutes. My first childhood doctor just never took anything I said seriously. Then when I was a tad heavier than everyone else but insanely active my doctor told me that I’m just in terrible shape. I was given one asthma test but because it came back normal breathing illnesses were permanently ruled out as a possibility.
Well I finally have an internal medicine specialist who did take me seriously. It took over 30 years but I was finally diagnosed with SITUATIONAL Asthma! I didn’t even know that was a thing! And now that I finally have a puffer I can breathe again.
So unfortunately weight isn’t /always/ the cause of medical issues, although it can be a contributing factor, that’s not deniable. The problem is other possibilities are not being considered and doctors are dismissing what could be a serious medical condition to the weight of the patient. No one should have to go as far as losing 40 pounds to earn a doctor’s due diligence. Especially since that takes months to do in a healthy way and a serious disease or illness can go from easily treatable to very complicated within that time frame. And if you never lose that weight? You never get diagnosed.
I definitely concur with this.
I have always felt that I was fit and healthy at all the various weights, but I have never been my ideal weight, or even close, so until I started to loose the weight, I wasn't aware how much it restricted me.
When I was early 20s, I tried riding my bike, which I hadn't done for years prior, went down hill fine, and easily beat my ex, but as soon as I started to try to peddle, my legs gave out, and just said no. I thought "its because I'm using different muscles from walking" and ignored the actual reason of "my muscles aren't able to move that weight"
I lost weight and started to try to cycle again for the first time in 15-20 years, my legs were strong enough to move me, yes, it was hard, and I was unsteady, but I physically could. Losing some of that extra weight assisted me to be able to get fitter. Which then helped me lose more weight, which made me feel fitter.
I no longer look at something I want to do, and think that I can't be bothered to grab it, because it involves too much physical effort, I now just grab it.
In addition to excessive weight stressing joints, the fat generates inflammation. Husband works in chronic pain/rehab field. Add in Type 2 diabetes usually develops which ages all organs. Safe guarding health through SENSIBLE weight, moderate exercise is a wise and prudent lifetime investment folks. The cost? Free. Priceless.
Yep. My dad has been overweight most of his adult life, he has a lot of visceral fat. Result? Type 2 diabetes and arthritis in his knees from all that weight he has been carrying around for decades. The visceral fat is the worst thing ever. Even when my dad was in ICU for a month and he didn’t eat for 2 weeks due to viral pneumonia causing him complete loss of appetite, even then he didn’t lose any fat in his stomach. He literally looked like a lollipop: huge round belly with skinny stick like legs. People think it’s not a big deal to gain weight cause they think they call always lose it later but the damage is already done to the body.
My experience exactly. I've been overweight all my life and it's only in my 30s that it's started to cause some serious health issues. I'm working on it, but it takes so much time to lose weight and find the resolve to keep at it. OP, you're not doing your future self any favor.
Yeah as you age loosing weight and staying fit only gets more challenging. It’s better to build good habits while you are still young. You’ll thank yourself later for sure.
NTA. You’re uncomfortable with her commenting on your weight loss and asked her to stop. Just because she’d love to be complimented like that does not mean anyone else would. Stand firm on this boundary and tell her to stop talking about your weight and appearance. Every time she crosses that line walk away and refuse to engage in conversation regarding your weight/appearance. You’ve made it clear you aren’t comfortable with her comments and she’s being awfully disrespectful to keep pushing this.
It's really sad that your mother has never really loved herself and realized that your size dies not correlate with your worth. She is taking it out in you by mentioning your weight loss becayse now she thinks it makes you worthy and deserving. I'm sorry, she is so wrong! The next time she says it tell her mom, I am so sorry that the only thing you see as worthy is being thin. I find myself worthy for just being and maybe you need to get therapy to work through your self view!!
NTA. I had to have a similar conversation with my mother (she spent my entire adolescence yo yo dieting and trying to force diets on me). It took a while, and you may need to be really stern with her when explaining how much it hurts you. But hopefully she is receptive over time. Admittedly it took, like, 10 years for my mother to listen (she does have NPD which makes things like this harder), but now she only talks about my weight IF I bring it up.
I Really hope that you’re able to communicate your feelings to her and that she takes you seriously.
I’ve been dealing with this all my life and I’m 55. What finally worked: Look her square in the eyes and say in a neutral voice, “We’re not going to talk about my body anymore.” Then bring up something pleasant to chat about, even if it’s random like a friend got a kitten or a world event.
I’m glad you feel better! Editing to add NTA.
That’s also my take. OP states they are healthy, but has chronic pain/back pain?… yeah no. No healthy 19yr old has chronic pain. Losing weight will help unless the damage is already done. Our bodies are only meant to support so much weight. Abusing that will lead to chronic pain. Nothing about this makes logical sense.
Hey. Um I see your point but. The chronic back pain comes from a minor spinal deformity combined with hypermobility, my Dr says that weight had no part in the pain as I have had it since I was a child
I’m curious where your medical degree comes from. /s
I was a very healthy slim young teenager when I began working in a family resort and carried far too many heavy trays of dishes and food for a few years. That was the beginning of an over 40 year history of chronic back and neck pain to the point that I can barely walk now. Just like any other group of people, assumptions and generalizations about the group disregards the people that don’t fit your limited understanding
I’m 58 and my mom has done this all my life-which usually triggered an eating cycle
i strongly suggest preparing yourself before you see your mom for her comments. And have a plan for after you see her too.
This, saying it once because she thinks it is a compliment is fine and with good intentions. But the fact that you said you don’t like it and she continues to talk about it makes her the AH.
NTA
Not wanting comments about your body is a reasonable boundary. You are not an object of decoration.
Tell her that you'll leave the room if she keeps doing it or otherwise impose some consequence for her doing it.
NTA. I am anorexic/bullemic -not actively at the moment but I believe I will struggle the rest of my life - and I cannot stand people commenting on my body. It makes me anxious to know that anyone is looking at my body and thinking about my size at all, even if it's a positive way. I've told my mother this and she just says "I'm saying you look GOOD!' She is my biggest trigger; she's the person who looked me up and down when I was 3 weeks postpartum and said "Guess you can't lose any weight while you're breastfeeding, huh?" I start to feel panic when I notice she's looking at my body or when she talks about mine or anyone else's (I'm already in therapy and have been for years before anyone says it). And she doesn't care. She thinks it's fine if she's being nice and if she's not, she dismisses me by saying I misunderstood. It sucks. I hate it and I'm sorry you're going through it too.
NTA I’ve been there. Someone commenting on your weight when you haven’t brought it up, especially to say that you look better now that you’ve lost it, is harsh. What makes it hurt more is that a lot of the time these people either don’t see it as a backhanded compliment or don’t care about hurting you because they are upset that you’re (in their eyes) doing better than them.
Gray rock whenever your mother brings it up. Don’t engage with her weight talk. It absolutely hurts, especially if they try to double down, but you need to keep those boundaries for your own health. “I don’t want to talk about this with you, if you want to continue to talk weight I’ll speak to you later.” Adjust the script as necessary to keep yourself safe, but you are allowed to hold those boundaries. And if they can’t accept that you are a different person and don’t see it as the compliment your mother may or may not actually see it as, that’s on them.
I've been told since I was 40 that I look good for my age. Now I'm 80 and the first thing out of my grand daughter's mouth when seeing me for the first time in 5 years is "You look so good for your age!"
No one seems to understand that a conditional compliment is not a compliment at all.
Your mom's trying to help you and if she can't speak honestly then who can? Being fat is an objectively bad thing. Also, good looks are absolutely related to size, who are you kidding?
NTA - Especially if she is saying because you have lost weight. If she was just saying "You look great honey" then I think that's different as she probably being nice. But specifically pointing out weight is a bit weird, unless the person is like bragging about losing weight, then i would maybe be like well done, you look great.
NTA. I'm fat, and I lost weight for a while, and people's comments on it, while well intentioned, made me feel like I was under a microscope and being constantly judged.
As a side note, if you have poor eating and exercise habits, (and any other poor health habits - tanning, drinking, drugs, not sleeping enough, not brushing and flossing, etc) the longer you go with those bad habits the more solid they become, and the harder they are to break. And you're not experiencing negative health effects *now*, but that's because you're protected by your youth.
When you get into your 30s and 40s, you won't be protected any more and the results of the bad habits can hit like a truck. I have chronic pain too, from an injury not my weight, but the weight is now making it worse, plus I have new pains that *are* because of my weight. I have way less energy than I used to when I was younger, and the pain keeps me up at night which means even less energy, and being tired all the time makes everything harder, including changing my habits.
In my 20s I used to be strong and relatively fit, working a physical job, even when I was a bit fat. But I wasn't in the habit of regular exercise outside of work, or of eating right. Now, because of my weight, my pain, joint instability and muscle loss, I'm weak, fragile, and physically timid. I can't do a lot of the things I used to enjoy, which is far, far worse than just not fitting into society's beauty standards.
So my advice is: ignore what you look like, ignore what your mom says, but start regular exercise to build muscle and protect your joints. Maybe work with a trainer who specializes in helping people with back issues so you don't further injure yourself. Make it a habit that just becomes a natural, normal part of your life, so you won't end up old and broken before you hit 50.
I think good looks are a matter of personal opinion, and being skinny does not necessarily mean you are good looking. Same as being plus size does necessary mean you are ugly
NTA.
You need to firmly tell her, "Mom, I'm sorry you're unhappy or uncomfortable in your body, but I'm fine in mine. What you want to hear is not something that matters to me. So when I see you losing weight, I'll compliment you on it, but you need to not mention mine because I do not care about it."
For what it's worth, I have a very similar issue with my own mother. As a child, she set me on the path toward a binge eating disorder. I finally started to get a handle on that a few years ago. Then, I started some new medications that have interrupted my appetite lately, so I've lost some weight. My mother is the only person who says anything about it. I always tell her, "I don't know, I don't own a scale." I absolutely own a scale. I just don't want to talk to her about my body.
NTA - A complement or two would be easy to let go of, but constantly talking about it after being asked to stop is another matter. Most people understand when enough is enough, but she is probably fixating wishing it was her. I could see myself start to get very snarky and resentful about this.
I'm not sure which option I'd go with. Ignore it and lower contact or remind her how much it hurts your feelings every time she says something.
NTA. It's good to start learning how to set boundaries at an early age. I wish I had.
Also, your mom is projecting and might have a bit of internalized misogyny, which is sadly common.
NTA. Being on an archaeological dig sounds amazing! Congratulations 🎉
Mom’s projecting their insecurities on their daughters is as old as time. Her mom, your grandmother, might have done the same to her. I have one friend “S” whose mom is particularly critical. She even dieted while pregnant with S. S seems to always be on some type of diet or another.
Just know it’s about your mom, not you. Break the cycle.
I can sympathize. A few years after my mother passed, I finally lost a significant amount of weight.
My mom was obsessed with dieting, always telling her children (me particularly) to eat less, get outside more—while she and Dad set terrible examples, and she enabled bad eating habits. My parents were in the “clean your plate!” camp.
Had I lost my weight (despite her) before she died, *I’m certain every word out of her mouth would have been to take credit for it.* Pretty much anything she had to say on the subject would have been most unwelcome.
NTA
NTA, but the extra weight will hit differently as you get older, and not in a good way. It's great that you are more active and losing the excess fat, it will benefit you in the long run. Forget about the appearance aspect of weight loss and embrace the health aspects.
NTA, my mom did this to me too and it’s because of her own insecurities and hate for her own body - growing up, she always was on a diet or commenting negatively about her weight. I unintentionally lost weight a few years ago and every single time I saw her, she would comment on it, drove me absolutely insane. I later gained some weight back and she stopped, but now she will try to relate to me about that, which I also dislike. I’ve learned to avoid engaging with her in the conversation, I just don’t really respond or I change the subject if she brings up her weight, mine or anyone else’s - she doesn’t get why it bothers me and it seems she talks about it without even realizing.
NTA.
I gotta disagree with one part of your statement though. You said “good looks have nothing to do with size.”
That’s definitely wrong. Obviously, “good looks” is subjective, and not everyone has the same standards of beauty, but the amount of fat on someone’s frame has an impact on how most people view their attractiveness.
Beyond that, things that make you healthy are frequently associated with attractiveness. It sounds like you got your back pain in a good place and you were able to be more active and lose weight. That would make you more physically attractive to most people.
Nobody's the Asshole
>Ever since I was about 12 my mum 61F has been on and off on fad diets and doing exercise trying to loose weight because she is also rather large.
Health/weight-loss is clearly something your mom focuses on occasionally. Its like when a musician hears a perfect note. They *might just* comment on it.
It may be hurtful at the surface but understand your mom is only trying to be encouraging.
I am 16 and I have been smoking for 2 weeks now. I do not have lung cancer and I am not coughing as soon as I get up, so I don't consider it a problem. Good smell has nothing to do with smoke.
ESH
Your attitude will ensure that one day you will be obese. And the health problems will start. You are still young… just wait.
Your mother is complimenting you yet you keep trying to convince her and yourself that you don’t care about how you look. You know why? Because you know you lack the discipline and inner strength to make your weight loss last.
I think those who are too focused on ”body positivity“, ignore other, very urgent aspects of being overweight.
NTA… But YTA to your future.
This will be downvoted into oblivion but that’s effect of painful truths.
Even those whom “support“ you do know that being overweight isn’t healthy and will become a bigger problem as you age. Your supporters aren’t really doing you any favors, are they?
This. She's already complaining about back pain btw.
Also, someone who genuinely doesn't care about the way they look doesn't need to tell us three f***** times within a few paragraphs
She's lying to herself. Her weight might not be initial impulse to get hyperlordosis, but it's making it way worse than it would he, was she at a healthy weight
Source: I have hyperlordosis
But it's not a complement to you
This is coming from someone who is slowly taking on complements for their work. There's a difference between a compliment and a backhanded compliment. She's hurting you. That's what should matter here
NTA I recently had a conversation with my mum about parenting, I asked her if there was anything about the way her parents raised her that altered the way she raised my brother and I- something they did that she didn’t like- she said they didn’t tell her they loved her for who she was, encourage her creativity or tell her that her art could be her career.
Then I said “the reason why I ask is the other day you called yourself fat in front of my niece. And the ONLY complaint I would have about the way you raised me- and it wasn’t intentional because you were a mum of the 80s - is that you were always on a diet. That you called yourself fat, you hid from cameras, and when I put weight on in high school you took me to weight watchers. I don’t want my niece and nephew growing up with the dialogue that fat=bad skinny=good because it doesn’t. And we can see after 35years that yo-yo diets don’t work, the effect this had on me is it creates shame every time I eat. I don’t want that for them.”
Sorry for the novel but maybe a conversation like this with an opening where she can think about herself and the way she was raised might help?
I feel this annoyance deeply and I hope she can get past this. Good luck on your dig how exciting!
NTA!!! You have every right to ask your mom to stop talking about your weight loss. It's making you uncomfortable, and she needs to acknowledge that for what it is.
How about we don't comment on people losing weight at all? You don't know how the weight was lost, if it was because of a medical condition, and E.D., etc. I say this because my best friend has recently gone through this. People commented on her losing weight, but not one of them realized it was because of a medical condition that she was rapidly losing weight. She had throat cancer. That's why she lost weight. It wasn't in a healthy manner, and she and her oncologist knew that.
Also, I'm overweight. I work out daily, am extremely active, but I have a medical condition that makes it hard to lose weight. My doctor has told me that I'm doing what I should be doing, and I have made some progress. So, let's just not comment on other people's weight because you have no idea what's really going on. And no, I'm not saying every overweight person is healthy or has a medical reason behind being overweight, either.
I (36F) know a lot of women in their 60's (including my own mother, lots of her friends, aunts, an ex-boss just to name a few) and, in my experience, most of that generation have terrible body image problems and are usually fat/body/food shamers. If you watch any of the TV programs they grew up with in the 70's, all the women are either stick thin and glamourous or middle-aged, overweight battle-axe type characters. I believe this, along with their own post-war parents issues with food or lack there of, has made them genuinely loathe anyone they see as "fat". They also learned nothing from Karen Carpenter's life, which baffles me.
My own mother was very slim until she hit her late thirties and had had four children. She has made very little effort to lose any weight and is definitely overweight at the age of 66, but still makes unkind comments about anyone she sees who is overweight. She is also a horrific food shamer, to the point that I rarely eat in front of her as she always has something shitty to say. An old boss of mine is exactly the same and is always telling her own daughter that she is too fat (she isn't). One of my aunts is anorexic, and seems to be proud of it. They are all 66, which I find very interesting. Several close friends of my mother's (also in their 60s) have spent their entire lives on various diets, and they think this is perfectly normal.
Anyway, my rambling point is, your mother of the generation who were taught that being overweight was awful, unattractive and would mean they wouldn't get a boyfriend and their life would be meaningless. They crave being told that they are thin as they think it's an achievement. My anorexic aunt was recently told by her doctor that she was "much too thin" and she gleefully repeated it to anyone who would listen. My sister and I keep telling our mother that modern women DGAF about what men want or what old women think about our bodies, but it's too difficult for her and others like her to grasp this after believing it their whole lives.
This obviously doesn't make it right for your mother to comment on your body (or anyone else's) and I would spell it out for her in a plain a way as you can. If not, just don't engage when she starts going on about any bodies weight or body, as I have had to do with my mother. I don't talk about weight or food with my mother, and I would never tell her how much I weigh, as she would make a big deal about how it's too much. I'm fully aware that I'm overweight and am addressing it; she doesn't need to be involved in the same way your mother should mind her own business. If she keeps mentioning it, I would just say "this isn't a topic for discussion" (or something similar) and leave the room or change the subject conversation. You'll probably need to do this a few times. Sometimes grey rocking is the only way with family, unfortunately.
\*Edited to add NTA.
NTA
But she probably won't stop. I'm not saying it's impossible to change, nor am I making excuses for her, but she's only a little older than I am and our formative years were SO toxic about body image. Our ideal was held up as "heroin chic." We were told to pull all the bread out of our bread, ie, a hollowed-out bagel. It's incredibly hard to let go of all this stuff.
You're not wrong and I love that the younger generations are like this, but she is also a product of her own generation and honestly thinks she's complimenting you. Plenty of people our age don't do this and have learned and grown about it but plenty haven't. Not excusing it. Just explaining it.
NTA. It is fine to have boundaries around this kind of discussion. It might take time to get her to stop but you have to be consistent and persistent. Give her a warning: Mum, if you bring up my weight or make comments on my body I am going to end this call. Let's talk about something important. (Then change the subject.) If she refuses and brings up your weight again you must end the call. Don't do it angrily, just say, "Mum, as I said, your comments about my body are not welcome. Let's talk another time," then *hang up* immediately. Don't give any second chances in the moment. "We'll try again another time." If she makes passive-aggressive comments about not being able to comment on your body -- which she will -- same treatment. You have to show her (not just tell her) that her behavior is unacceptable every single time. This is the only way to get her to change.
NTA, my mum is also weight commenter because she is self conscious about her own. I have worked really hard to work on my mindset to separate the number on the scale with how healthy my body is and to separate that from how I look and feel about myself. Currently 7 months pregnant and I've just been brushing off comments. They have all mostly been "positive", but even those can be a little backhanded. Not gaining very much weight or "not looking big" is not a compliment when it implies that I would somehow be worse if that had happened. It can be really tricky to navigate that, especially with someone who doesn't realise they need to/cannot fix their relationship with their body and food. For you, the main thing is that you've found something that you really enjoy doing and this has been an unexpected neutral consequence. And I think all you can do is gently thank her and then reinforce your neutrality. "Thank you for giving me a compliment (because that's what she thinks it is), but I actually don't think about my weight/ don't think I look better or worse/ I just enjoy my new hobby and still would even if I hadn't lost any weight". You probably won't change her mindset that it's a compliment and nothing to be upset over, but you can continue to live in your mindset of body neutrality, or however else you prefer to view your body to continue to have a healthy relationship with it.
NTA. I was like you and my weight loss has happened due to illness. Everyone is saying how much better I look but I was OK in my skin and my health is bad so I don't feel better and it does make me feel as you do. Enjoy the dig I'm jealous as I would have loved that
NTA. Nobody should comment on someone's weight like this, especially a mother. My mom and Gram did it to me, and by 9, I had two EDs. I still struggle. I was anorexic then an over eater a mix of binge and purging. It was rough. I'm at a healthy weight now, thankfully.
Your mom should be proud of your accomplishments like going on a freaking archeological dig! That's amazing! Maybe your mom, since you said she is also large, is projecting her own issues onto you. Which isn't ok.
I will say that now, at 41, I wish I had taken better care of myself in my twenties. Just keep that in mind. As long as you are healthy and happy, your mom should get off your ass about your weight. We have enough pressure from social media, filters, and photoshopped bodies. We need love and support, not someone to make us feel worse.
NTA It’s not appropriate to talk about someone’s weight, especially when the person doesn’t want their weight talked about. And your mom doesn’t get to impose her internalized fatphobia onto you. Thinner isn’t better, it’s just thinner. If your mom wants to celebrate anything, it shouldn’t be your weightloss, it should be that you’ve gotten help for your back pain. Congratulations on that by the way. Chronic pain is no joke and I’m glad you’re doing well enough in that arena to be able to do the things you want to do
I think you’re wrong, but not an asshole.
Downvote me if you must.
You’re achieving something your mom is trying to achieve, weight loss which is starting to be less feasible at her age mind you. Why would she not give you a compliment?
Simply saying good looks have nothing to do with size doesn’t make it true. That’s because that’s subjective. I think most people would agree that an athletic/average weight build is sought after and conventionally attractive. Looks might not matter to you, but that doesn’t mean our parents don’t want us looking as good as possible. Your mom wants the best for you and she’s trying to let you know.
I tend to lose weight when I get too depressed to prepare regular healthy meals, especially if I'm having other health issues in my life. I have had many people (doctors, coworkers, family, friends) congratulate me for my weight loss, and it makes me feel really awful, because everyone can see the physical effects that depression has had on my body. Nurses have even told me to "keep up the good work," as if my depression fasting was planned. If I'm at my skinniest, it's because I'm GOING THROUGH IT, and I don't want to talk about it. Some people are skinny because they can't afford food. Some people are skinny because they're sick. It's not always good to be skinny, and not everybody wants to be called skinny.
I'm done being polite to people who comment on my weight. I let them see how bad they made me feel with their "compliment." If they ask what I did to lose the weight, I tell them I was too sick or depressed to eat regular meals. If they just say "you look so skinny!" I don't even try to sound cheerful in my response. I say, "oh, yes, I wasn't eating because I was really depressed over the death of my father. But discussing someone else's weight is pretty rude actually, so let's talk about something else." When they try to defend their "compliment", be firm about dropping the subject and get ready to leave the room/event if they refuse to drop it. Remember that YOU are not being rude by acknowledging that someone else has been rude to you. Be understanding of a one-time mistake, and less patient with repeat offenders.
They're saying a thing that hurts your feelings and then telling you that your feelings are wrong when you speak up for yourself. If I ask someone to stop saying mean things to me and they continue to insult me or tell me I'm wrong for being insulted, I'd spend as little time with them as possible and let them know why.
NTA I’m intentionally losing weight and the amount of unprompted “WOW you look so much BETTER” I get is unreal. People say that kind of stuff to try and compliment me but all it makes me think is did you think I was that ugly before? And no I don’t think past me was ugly she’s still just me and deserved love just the same.
NTA. People in my environment used to do the same, my weight always fluctuates around 5 kg. So some days I might look "thinner", others not. When people say "you look good, have you lost weight?" I started to respond with "I always look good, no matter my weight". Get a lot of surprises looks and the comments have been a lot less since. Some people have actually started to change their thoughts regarding that kind of question.
NTA, and congratulations on getting stronger and able to work for longer and be more active! I have a bad back and injured knee, so I am working hard to get some more kilos off in order to reduce the strain on my joints, and it is so great when it works!
As for your mother: she will probably not be able to change. My mother was the same, only she just ignored it when I managed to lose weight, so it was all negative, not a shred of positive when it came to my weight.
Man. I wish I had your attitude about weight and body image- and I’m a fairly skinny person. More than anything, your mom should be jealous of your self-confidence. Good for you, girl! 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
NTA- unfortunately our parents seem to think thin is always better. I went through a period of depression and lost 80 lbs. I could see all the bones in my ribcage and my hip bones. I recieved SO many compliments. I was literally in the worst health I'd ever been and people were like. wow! LOOK AT YOU! you're doing so good!!
You are defiantly NTA
I have also been big my whole life (I'm 30 now) and like never concerned myself with looks after a certain point as well as I too have chronic pain(Ra).So when I would lose weight (I used to work myself half to death being on my feet all day and such) I would get compliments like that and it hurt my feelings too. It comes off as such a back handed compliment and you shouldn't just "take the compliment" when it's really not one, they don't get to invalidate YOUR feelings because of the fact your mom would love a compliment like that. Like I get the your mom would love that compliment but that doesn't mean you would especially because losing weight wasn't the goal for you.
Side note: what you're doing for studies sound Hella cool tho I wanted to be an archeologist but life didn't line up that way so that's awesome!
Your mama sounds like she has some self-esteem issues. Typically when that happens, they like to project all the people closest to them. You arenot the a hole.
NTA, but here's where she's an enormous one:
>She doesn't get why it hurts my feelings because she would love to be told that.
She doesn't need to get it -- you've told her it hurts your feelings and asked her to stop, so whether she gets it or not, or likes it or not, she should stop. The fact that she won't makes her a narcissistic asshole. I have someone like this in my life: I constantly have to tell him to not do what \*he\* would want, or what he \*thinks\* I would want, but rather to do what \*I've already told him\* I want. Or at least, that's what I \*would\* constantly tell him if I talked to him, which I barely ever do, because of behavior like this.
I honestly feel like this is a generational thing. My parents and myself, being a young girl in the 90s, everything til relatively recently was about weight and how to look "good" and be skinny. So they see nothing wrong with complimenting it. I'm with you though. I wish people never commented one way or the other on my body.
NTA. If you have expressed how her comments make you feel she shouldn't try and force you to accept her back handed compliments. She needs to understand that her perception of things isn't how other perceive them. Sure she'd love to hear that she looks good and skinny. But her daughter is teller her otherwise, she should respect that.
Unfortunately there is no getting through to some people. She may never see your side. :(
Congrats on being able to dig for 8 hours! That's not easy! You must be getting strong 💪
One semester in college people kept asking me how I'd lost 10 lbs, my mom included. I told them it was the "Broke Ass Diet". Cereal for breakfast, peanut butter and jelly for lunch and another peanut butter and jelly (maybe 2) for dinner. I literally could afford more than that. I lost weight because I was barely eating. Not through discipline or some magical system or pill.
People tended to quit commenting after id yell them.
NTA. Make a boundary such as if she mentions your weight, you will end that conversation - hang up or walk away. You're not alone in your feelings and even if you were, you're entitled to them
NTA
I grew up with one of those mothers. She's obsessed with weight, fat, and appearing too big, but realistically her obsession has nothing to do with health. (She'd swear otherwise.) It's all about image and her insecurities. It doesn't matter how thin, fat, or fit she or I have been at different times. She can't let it go.
I, too, have chronic illness (neurological & autoimmune conditions). If I lose any visible weight, she suddenly starts talking like I've randomly been cured. I've even had times where my illnesses made me randomly lose weight or be unhealthily underweight & she acts like someone should throw a party. If I gain visible weight, whether or not I was underweight or fat to begin, she zeros in & has something negative to say.
Like you, I found my mom's comments, good or bad, to be very painful. What I had to realize is that her comments have nothing to do with me. My mom is mentally and emotionally stunted when it comes to her insecurites involving weight. I tried explaining how/why things hurt me. It didn't make her stop saying things because in that area she already didn't care about how I felt. She only cares about how she feels.
It's all our moms' own insecurites being vomited our way. They might think we look better (so bad before), but that's their issue. Can you imagine existing in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, & older with nothing better to focus on? With having literally nothing more interesting going through your head or happening in your life than that? How BORING.
I personally think it's a pathetic way to live. Once I realized I felt that way, my mom stopped hurting my feelings. I suddenly viewed her words & thoughts as so skewed that I stopped valuing anything she had to say that was related to any weight stuff. That includes comments about my appearance.
Now this doesn't make constantly hearing about it less annoying. I'd rather hear or discuss something actually interesting, for example, an archeological dig or someone's new hobby. What I've had to do is stop explaining or asking. I started telling her that she doesn't need to make comments on my appearance. I've started directly changing the subject when she focuses on weight or a fad diet. If she tries to insinuate or directly says that my motivation for something is my appearance or weight, then I look at her & say I don't care about that. Or why would I care about that? I act like she's being a weirdo by assuming that, bc she is. After doing all that stuff constantly, I've mostly trained her to catch on & stfu. For times it doesn't work, well I suddenly am too busy to stay on the phone or need to leave early.
Set your boundaries however you need to for you. You aren't complaining. Your mom has issues. You don't have to participate if you dont want. You dont treat her behavior as okay if you don't believe it is.
NTA. I got sick and I lost about 30 lbs in 3-4 months, and while my family wasn’t praising me for the weight loss, comments about “you need to eat something” in all variations were never ending. It was awful. I was sick, I couldn’t eat, didn’t want to be losing weight, yet every time I saw anyone I was related to I would have to hear how much better I’d look if I just ate more and gained some weight. Shits not helpful when you’re throwing up 3 times a day and not able to eat enough to make up the difference in calories. It got to the point where my sister, who I don’t get along with, would snap at people and tell them to shut up and stop commenting on my weight.
My point is, people need to shut up and mind their business.
NTA. I feel for you! I also would encourage many of the commenters to look at some of the more up-to-date research on weight and health. Weight loss is not a simple matter of “willpower,” losing weight is not always inherently healthier, commenting on others weight is not actually an effective tool to inspire them to lose weight as it’s a hugely shame-tied subject, and there’s a lot more to the topic than a confirmation bias to what cultural conditioning has drilled into us (“being overweight = being unhealthy”). I highly recommend Aubrey Gordon’s books and podcasts as a great starting point. If you want to check out just one episode of something, the “obesity epidemic” episode of You’re Wrong About / Maintenance Phase is very good! It’s okay to be incorrect about science if you’ve only ever been encouraged to think one way about something. But it’s important to strive to learn about what is actually going on, even if it challenges pre-conceived notions and ideas that feel more comfortable to us.
i hope you know you’re not the asshole deep down. also if you need some facts to combat this
nonsense /solidarity, i’d suggest listening to maintenance phase and/or reading aubrey gordon’s book.
NTA! My (40f) mom (64f) is the *worst* about this. Constantly making body shaming comments and mailing me random supplements to try. I don’t take them. I’m breastfeeding currently and have told her this on repeat for several years during my pregnancies, etc. They stack up until they expire and I toss them. It’s hurtful and it’s honestly just gross behavior. Nearly every call we have (we speak almost daily) she reminds me that she is “as small as” my smallest sibling. “You used to be the smallest, remember that? Remember when we could all share a closet?” “I get it mom, I’m fat. It’s a season and I’m sorry you are so ashamed about it, next topic.” That’s usually my response. I’ve even hung up after telling her we will talk again when she is ready to discuss something other than my weight. I’m sorry your mom cannot accept you the way you are. You sound wonderful and I’m intrigued by your course choices in uni - wishing you all of the best!
NTA
My Mum rarely commented on my fat, but it's still stuck with me when she did. It was never when I lost weight and everybody else commented. It was only ever when I was young and still learning my relationship with fat management that she commented that I was getting fatter.
There are things she's come to see a different light of. But it still determined my relationship with weight.
Congratulations on:
-getting help for your back pain, that’s so cool!
-your first dig. Again, how fucking cool are you?
-getting to college and away from your mum who is missing out on what is exciting for you. I hope you get to spend a lot of time with people who aren’t obsessed with your weight and who have way more interesting things in their lives.
NTA. Obvs.
Start making your own backhanded compliments to them. “That outfit is so much nicer than what you wore yesterday!” Or, “I’ve always admired how you wear whatever you want, no matter what anyone else thinks of it.” Or, “That’s a great picture of you! I hardly recognize you!” Just make stuff up just to throw their ego off a bit, and act SO surprised when they don’t accept the “compliment.”
She is trying to pay you a compliment. It's something she strives for. Weight has everything to do with looking good and how people treat you. You're NTA, but neither is she
I don’t know how you feel about it, but I don’t think she was talking about you looking good beauty wise. She most likely meant you look “good” and in healthy and in good condition.
But please don’t take this as offensive, it’s not meant to be, but your mom is kinda old. Being this, she may have some ideaologies from back then where any girl over 130 pounds is a monster
The truth of the matter is you’ll likely go through weight fluctuations through your later 20s going into your 30s and if you don’t set the boundary now that your body size isn’t up for open discussion, this will follow you through your adult life.
NTA. You expressed it’s hurtful and that should’ve been the end of the conversation.
Idk whether you will be able to get through to your parents on this though… this seems like some deeeeeeeply ingrained stuff your mom is operating with regarding beliefs about weight and health
This is a generational thing. It sucks that she persists even though you have told her it hurts your feelings. I suspect that she loves you and wants the best for you and cannot let go of her own perspective that thin = better. Is this the only thing between the two of you that is hurtful? If so, I would try to put it in perspective and forgive her for her ignorance. If she was raised in the timeframe I suspect she was, she was literally steeped in "thin" culture and may not ever be able to free herself from it. Likely, she was damaged by that; as you say, she is/was not thin and is coping with her own demons. You sound like you have a better and healthier body image perspective than she does. Maybe instead of being focused on what she is doing to hurt your feelings, you could turn it around and try to be thoughtful about how you might help her feel better about her own body. I spent a lot of time feeling frustrated and hurt by my own mother, but once I decided that she loved me and was doing the best she could with what she had, it was easier to forgive her and be less hurt and frustrated by her comments. Oddly, once I let my own hurt go, she was better, too, and now we have a close relationship. She still stumbles occasionally, but it's okay with me, I love her and am so glad to have her in my life - she's the only mother I have and there is so much more to appreciate about her, than the parts that aren't so great.
NTA. hang in there, it hard to de-program from unhealthy ideas of body image and weight standards.
my grandma and mom still don’t realize the effect of their comments my whole life. even as “average” size now in my 30s, I still have severe body dysmorphia. I just had 2 babies and everyone keeps commenting on my “post-baby” weight loss and I finally had to nicely ask my mom to stop mentioning my weight as one of the first things she & my sister say to me when they see me. i’d walk in and they’d be like “omg you look so skinny” or “don’t worry, it takes time to lose weight” and finally I was just like “there are far better things about me and my personality aside from my weight that you can comment on”. my approach was a little blunt so they were taken aback at first, but one I re-phrased it and explained the why, they stopped doing it as much, still happens unfortunately. my mom improved, but my grandparents still make comments. I just had to make the decision for my own mental sanity that i visit less and make less of an effort to see them.
Had this recently with my dad. He means well but I lost 50 lbs in 3 weeks because of illness not diet. I am not actively trying to lose weight so it was not appreciated.
He then started talking about me joining a gym... I'm currently hospitalised on an oxygen machine, joining a gym is the least of my worries right now.
You can and should ask her to stop if it's bothering you, but you can't change what she chooses to think. My grandma was the same way.. had me on diets in grade 5, always called me fat.. once after losing 30lbs after being in an abusive relationship and I wasn't overweight to start with, all she could do was say how good I looked. No interest in whether or not I was okay.
She was neglectful and abusive, but I think the weight stuff stems from her childhood. She was incredibly dirt poor and as skinny as a stick, which of course was not by choice. If we neglect our own issues we end up projecting them on others. I have compassion for her and I love her.
NTA I hate when people do this and my mum is the same. Seeing thinness as healthy or good . My mother thinks Kate Middleton is a saint because she's skinny. That's how bad she is.
At least you have a healthy attitude
NTA x infinity. Totally completely understand your feelings. This could my story. I hate when people say you look great loosing weight. It makes me think well what did they think of me before.
NTA. There is no need to comment on other people's body if they don't specifically ask for it or you're they're doctor. No one here knows if your mom ment it as a true, if misguided, compliment, or not, but if you don't want her too, she should stop and respect your boundaries. There are so many reasons why it might be harmful to comment on somebodies body. There are barely any upsides.
I'll never get why everyone's suddenly a doctor or qualified researcher when someone says they're overweight. Shut the f**k up. If it would help to simply tell someone that being overweight is bad (which isn't even true if you say it like that), then there wouldn't be any fat people. There are a myriad of reasons that lead to someone being overweight or obese. Telling them they're fat and how unhealthy that is and that they should lose weight is actually detrimental to the cause.
NTA.
you need to deal with it now, though, for your own mental well-being, and so that you don't spiral into unhealthy patterns.
if you need to yell at her, go to therapy, whatever. because she's probably never going to stop doing it.
NTA - mams will be mams. I've 46 years of.....your a bit pale pet, are you sick? I could have a full face of make up on, I could have a 6 week solid lying in the sun suntan. It makes no difference. I just accept it as Mams way of saying hi & showing she cares. I've no idea what actually drives the behaviour.
NTA. Your mom is self projecting. I recently had to set a hard boundary with my mom that she is not allowed to comment on my weight/appearance.
It is very uncomfortable and I feel for you OP.
NTA. I weighed 377 at my heaviest and heard all kinds of comments from my family. "Don't come crying to me if you get sick!" Was one my dad levied at me when I was 15. I eventually lost over 200 pounds through diet and weight-loss surgery. For me, being physically fit and being able to do so much more than I could do when I was heavier is way more empowering and important than how I look. I would be irritated with anyone who kept focusing on my looks too. You should tell your mom how it makes you feel for her to focus solely on your looks.
NTA, it’s never appropriate to comment on someone’s appearance outside of a sincere, unqualified “you look great”. Anything else has the potential to be an insulting backhanded compliment. I’ve received my share of those and it’s frustrating because they can be subtle and it’s difficult to explain why they hurt.
I'll offer a different perspective than others. Not saying they're wrong and not saying I'm right. It's another way of looking at conversations which may help... nothing more.
>Personally I don't think it's appropriate to talk about someone's weight if they are not doing something activity about it. She won't stop and my dad told me I should just take the compliment and stop complaining. But I don't like it.
So... we can only guess at someone's motivations for saying something. It can be an educated guess, but still a guess. Now add into that our own communication style, which we naturally think is the best way to communicate, biases, behaviours, patterns etc... which places a veil over how we hear what someone is saying to us. Bottom line... there's a ton of barriers that exist when we communicate.
It can help to come to a decision that a person like your mum is trying to say something good. She may be failing at it, or you may not be hearing it, or any other reason. But if you decide she's trying to say something good it can reframe how you react to what you hear, and how you feel and behave. I say it's a decision so that you see this is a conscious choice. And it's no less valid than your other choice to hear a negative. For someone that's important to you, it'd change a lot in your relationship if you chose to see them as a flawed human being trying to do right by you.
So... it's valid you think your mum correlates looks with size and is therefore, at best, giving you a backhanded compliment. It's also valid to think your mum is commenting because she wants to be kind. She wants to add to your motivation, self esteem and health. She wants to acknowledge your weight loss because saying nothing could be terrible. She genuinely thinks you look better... your skin may be a nicer tone, your features may be more defined, your style may sit better on you... I don't know.... but her opinion of ur skin, features, and style, is valid too.
That's why dad is saying take the compliment. Good intentions are a gift. Communication flaws are universally human. Our personal beliefs about attraction, health, and taboo subjects can be balanced with another's differences ... they don't have to align. There doesn't have to be a winner and a loser in conversation. There doesn't have to be an asshole here.
NTA
I think you could take the approach of "I don't derive any self-worth from my looks, be proud of the strides I'm taking in relation to me degree. But also, you calling me pretty at my current weight makes me feel like you're insulting yourself and calling yourself ugly at yours, and I don't tolerate anyone putting my mom down."
From then on, if she mentions it again, divert it to "So you're calling yourself ugly again? Unacceptable."
NTA. She can say you look good without bringing weight into it! I bet you're more fit due to doing all that work, it gives people a healthy glow. After all, regardless of weight, fitness counts!
NTA as body shaming does nothing to help anyone.
The only thing I will say as someone who used to be very “fat” for my height, I had the same mindset as you my weight wasn’t causing issues, but it actually was and I was only 29 when my blood work began to show that. I also found out a few years ago the asthma I used to have, often blamed as a result of my allergies, was actually weight induced as it vanished over 18 months before I got started on allergy shots.
I have an aunt who EVERY SINGLE TIME she sees me, for years now, exclaims, "Hey, you've lost weight!" Which just makes me think she thinks I need to lose weight. (I am not overweight but I am not 100 lbs. anymore either.) I mean, if I actually had lost weight every time she saw me, I'd weigh next to nothing. I know she thinks she is complimenting me, but it really doesn't come off that way!
Last time I saw her, she said, "Now, don't go losing any more!" Ummm, okay?
I was with my mom and we saw someone that I haven't seen since I was a kid. My mom then proceeded to tell them how proud she was at all the weight I had lost recently. Afterwards I told her that it really pissed me off and that it was the same as saying 'Hey, you should've seen how fat she used to be.' I shouldn't have been surprised as this is the same woman that tried to bribe me to lose weight as a teenager when I weighed 120lbs, no wonder I ended up with weight issues.
People seem to think that as long as you are “skinny” or you are losing weight they can comment all they want. “You’re so skinny!” I don’t shout “you’re so fat”. In their eyes it’s because it’s a good thing. But sometimes you just want to go about your day without a comment about your body.
NTA, I had a similar thing happen to me, also during and archaeological dig (!) And your mums comments are way out of line. If nothing else because it sets up unrealistic expectations, digs are seasonal and if your weight returns to what it was when you head back for lab work rather than field work is she going to comment then too? Your body is yours and if you're healthy enough to go on a dig she has absolutely no place commenting on anything to do with your appearance!
NTA the raging debate on if OP could possibly be as healthy as she says ignores the question and the point. OP's mother's chronic focus on dieting has led OP to not want to be judged by her weight. End of story. She is not comfortable with her mom's comments about weight loss. It is perfectly appropriate to set boundaries and not accept comments about her weight. Period.
I will die on this hill: you are never the asshole to tell others to stop making comments about your body. It’s just truly never necessary, it’s not their body, not their business, even as a parent; you are an adult. And all of the research shows that even best intentioned people harassing us about our body image very often does the opposite effect and makes us feel worse… just stop👏🏼Talking👏🏼about👏🏼my👏🏼body👏🏼
It's your mom's (unfortunate) love language because looks matter to her. I don't really blame her for that insomuch as she's undoubtedly had trauma from getting bashed about her size. That said, you find it hurtful and you've told her so and she can't seem to understand that. Maybe it's time for a conversation where you dig into why you find it hurtful and that when she says it, you feel like your only value is your appearance and that she's not commenting on the dig or how much your back isn't hurting (which is so amazing! I'm so glad for you because I've been in back hell before), and tell her that you want to know she loves you and appreciates you whatever your size and that she needs to stop commenting on your weight--up or down--at all. That this is not up for debate and if she doesn't, there will be consequences.
After you tell her that, the first time she says anything weight related, look at her and say: I asked you to stop commenting on my weight. I told you it was hurtful. I'm going to leave now." And go. The thing about leaving is that you remove yourself from the situation and there are immediate consequences for her actions. Repeat that every time it happens and she'll learn quickly if she wants to spend time with you, she has to stop. You have to follow through without fail. NTA
NTA - I ended up having RnY weight loss surgery because I had gotten to a point where I was very unhealthy, and my doctor was like "You're going to have to lose weight, or you're going to die." She didn't sugar coat things, and that was okay. I didn't need her to. I told her that I had tried just about everything, but with my heart issues, one lung, and a string of other medical problems, it was damn near impossible. She put me in for GB surgery, and it worked. I lost 130lbs, and I look and feel great.
At first, it was nice to hear that I was looking better, or people cheering me on or what not but after a while, it began to grate my nerves because they were NEVER this nice before. My parents were HORRIBLE about saying the wrong thing like "You look so much better now," and "You look so pretty now," and other things that I think they meant well, but it was hurtful. especially as when I was younger, they would always tell me "You'd be so pretty if you'd just lose weight," and "If you could just lose weight, you'd look so much nicer." It weighed heavily on me. For my birthday one year, they decided I needed to go on a diet pill. That was their gift. Yeah. It didn't go over well, especially when I reminded them that I couldn't TAKE those pills with my heart.
There are plenty of people we see that are bigger that are very healthy. And some people who are stick thin and in horrible health. Weight doesn't necessarily equal health. I lost weigh because it wasn't a choice anymore. And people always want to tell me how much better I look and I've gotten to where I just tell them. "Yeah, but I FEEL better, which is way more important." They generally get the hint and shut up.
Also, your mum isn't talking to you when she's talking about your weight. She's taking her fears about her OWN body out on you, which is wrong on SO many levels. I went to school with a girl like that. When they finally put her in an eating disorders rehab, she was close to 70lbs. People don't think before they speak, and people with mental-weight issues FREQUENTLY try to project them onto other people. Just be very clear with her. "Mum, I understand that you have an issue with food, and weight, but I don't. I am healthy, and whatever weight I lose on this new job I'm on has nothing to do with me as a person, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring it up again." I guarantee you she will bring it up again. When she does, ask her how HER weight loss is going. That will shut her up. She wants to project onto you and live through you what she can't for herself. It's sad, but it happens a lot. Don't let her do that to you.
Last thing - Congratz on your dig! I love history. It sounds like fun!
NTA.
My mother once told me that she was so glad I had lost weight, because I “looked like her daughter again”. She told me that my face had changed shape when I was heavier and that she had hardly recognised me - but it was all back to normal now.
7 years later and I have gained the weight back again plus a bit more. I have never forgotten her words since the moment she said them. Every time I see her I wonder whether she still thinks I look like her daughter.
And she meant it as a compliment.
NTA. You are still the same amazing person with or without the weight. Your mother is projecting her warped views of weight and body acceptance onto you when it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she feels about herself. Try not to internalize it and keep standing up for yourself when she says these things. She needs to learn that what she is doing is wrong and she is hurting you.
Unfortunately your mum is of the generation (mine) that says "thinner is better looking... no matter what".
I used to love people saying to me "gosh, you've lost so much weight - you look great! What's your secret?" and I would respond, "Dysentery - would you like to be throwing up and having explosive diarrhea for three straight weeks?"
Spoiler - I did not look better. My skin color was terrible, I had massive dark circles due to my iron deficiency, my hair was brittle. The only thing I looked was gaunt. But by golly, I must be "better" because I was thinner.
I was able to frame that as pity for the other person who was stuck thinking being ill was a great way to lose weight! They were so focused on that ... they saw nothing else.
You'd like your mum to see YOU and celebrate YOU not the image she has in her head of what "good" is that, remember, she's applying to herself too. Your mum is to be pitied.
You don't need to accept her opinion. Heck, "Oh mom, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I wish you could be as happy with yourself as I am. Maybe ... you should get some therapy? The idea of women must be thin is awfully pervasive in our current society. You are fine without having to meet some ideal of what some man wants in a woman." Turn it around. If you can,
Good for you about the back pain and chronic pain. That's a struggle! Good luck on your health journey and enjoy your classes and dig.
NTA. I grew up with a mum that did the same. She was about 10 years older than your mum.
Im not excusing your Mums behavior. But ill share what helped me with my Mum.
It helped me to realise my mum grew up with Twiggy as a superstar and rolemodel in her childhood and teenager years and how f'd up her relationship with food really was.
I didnt realise how bad it was before she gained abit of weight in her early 60s and weight around 63-65 kg, the approx range for her height of 1.68m. she was glowing and looked healthy for once.
Being so used to seeing her around 50kg it was an eyeopener. She dropped that weight and was back in her old starving mode less than a year after she decided to lose it. I stopped commenting on her weight after that, only commented on hair cloths or makeup and set hard boundaries with her on my own weight finally.
Like walking away and leaving whenever she commented on mine. I made sure to tell her i would do that every time she commented on my weight. Positive, negativ, advice or whatever with weight on me.I walked away. And for a couple of years only met her in public. She cared about appearance so it hit home extra whenever i walked away with a loud comment. " I have told you again and again mother. My weight is not a conversation topic. Have good day. " She was mortified.
Im betting your Mum grew up with Twiggy too and her likes and can help yousee the why she does what she does and say.
You can try to sit your mum down and say, " i undertand yourself worth is tied in with your weight. I love you regardless. You are good enough no matter what you weigh.
I do not tie my self worth to my weight. I am happy with how i look. I dont need you to understand why i get hurt by your unwanted comments on my weight, i just need you to respect me enough to stop. Can you do that for me?"
See if that hits home
"Wow, look at you! You're so much prettier and better now that you lost that ugly weight that was making you worthless and ugly! I don't even care that you were doing rigorous digs at an archaeological site for your university studies that you're doing because you are smart, and obviously I don't think your intelligence or activities make you a good person. Only being skinny."
Your mom probably has had the idea that being thin/fit is the ideal, and she's basing any compliments around that. NTA.
NTA but I highly doubt the chronic pain is not related to your weight. I’m assuming losing weight isn’t a problem based on your story so I will also assume the extra weight you have is from unhealthy eating. All of that causes inflammation which can lead to all kinds of painful health issues. Now, this of course can happen to people of all sizes but typically what we put in our systems either helps it run well or it breaks it down the same way putting shitty gas into a race car would do.
All that being said, she should only be encouraging being healthy and not how you look. However, she is of an era where she truly does mean that as a compliment and not to hurt you. I’m not excusing it but just saying so may make you feel a bit better hopefully.
What I don’t understand is why people have such a problem with bigger people 💀 like it’s my body not yours it’s my health not yours 🤣 NTA maybe start messing with her 🤷🏽♀️ if she can throw it she should take it “mom you look like you’ve been filling out , are these new jeans?” 🤣🙃
NTA A couple of things. 1. You’re an adult now and your body is none of her business. 2. What she’s saying without saying it is that you aren’t/haven’t been good enough, and that’s bullshit. From your post it’s clear you’re a bright, sensitive, considerate person. A hell of a lot more considerate than your mother, in fact! I hope being away from home and doing important work has shown you that there are others in the world who will value you for the real you - not just whatever number you weigh on the scale that week.
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NTA. No one needs to comment on your body. What counts is inside. You never changed there. I understand where you are coming from, and I am sorry your mom has said those things. But, on a different note, please, let me congratulate you on your weight loss!! That is no easy feat!! Take care of yourself, OP.
Thank you :)
Nothing but sympathy! Check out @yrfatfriend, Aubrey Gordon. She's a fat activist and strong proponent of health at every size nutrition (as are my wife and I, I'm a physician, she's an eating disorder dietitian). Aubrey has made it her mission to dispel diet culture myths and reinforce that just about anyone can be healthy at any size. The most important thing is to do health promoting activities, like getting your chronic pain under control, and staying active (e.g. participating in an archeological dig)!! Sounds awesome! You keep doing you, and enjoy your life! Your mom (and diet culture) will always try to celebrate weight loss, but it seems you already know better! : ) Just keep redirecting and don't engage her in the diet talk or celebration of weight.
Considering her chronic pain, and the fact she missed her period for 4 months leads me to believe she isn't all that healthy at 19. Could be weight attributed or not, but it could be symptoms of a larger cause.
She stated that the chronic pain was not caused by weight (in comments states spinal issues since she was 9yo) but has hindered her ability to exercise. I don't see where you are seeing about the period however there's a lot of things that can cause that
As a physician (with a wife who is an eating disorder dietician) you should know better than to say people can be healthy at any size! The diabetes epidemic, increase in high blood pressure, dementia at earlier and earlier ages, and prevalence of obesity in young people is nothing to advocate for. The person who is obese and 'healthy' at 20 will be a person with crippling metabolic disorder by 40 unless they figure out a way to help themselves. Your job is to help them do that, not say they are "fine". I'm appalled.
Well, then when you share where you got your medical degree and your peer-reviewed studies I'm happy to debate you. Because the simple fact exists that not every fat person is unhealthy and not every thin person is healthy. And it was curious how you glossed over where I said that health promoting behaviors were still necessary. That includes eating well and exercise. What it does not include is monitoring your weight and starvation diets. And I also said CAN, not ARE. There is a time and place for addressing metabolic disease, and it's not appropriate to apply it universally to all fat people. So, as soon as there are no more thin people with heart disease and diabetes, and when every single fat person shows evidence of metabolic disease, I will accept your viewpoint. But, until that time, I'll continue to practice the best medicine way I've been trained to, thanks.
There’s always SOMEONE who completely misinterprets what “healthy at any size” actually means. It’s so frustrating! As a larger person, I’m so happy there are people like you and your wife doing what you do! I’m sorry about the tosspots
That's an odd black and white take on health from a physician. Of course not all fat people are having metabolic or heart disease. However, as a physician, I'm sure you know there [are plenty ](https://www.pennmedicine.org/updates/blogs/metabolic-and-bariatric-surgery-blog/2019/march/obesity-and-heart-disease#:~:text=Obese%20individuals%20require%20more%20blood,more%20common%20for%20obese%20individuals.) of [studies done ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3250069/) [that link obesity with premature death](https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(16)30175-1/fulltext). The correlation and causation are there in peer reviewed studies. I find it wildly disappointing that a physician would advocate anything to the contrary. It's one thing to encourage making healthy choices regardless of size but to deny that *most* overweight people experience added risks to their health is down right denial at best and lying for your own gain at worst.
Those correlations aren't as strong as we are taught that they are, and there are also robust studies that show that all cause mortality is lowest for people who actively participate in health promoting behaviors (eating health, exercise, getting quality sleep, etc.), regardless of their weight. I'm not advocating for ignoring diagnosable disease (which should be obvious, but is sadly ignored as soon as people hear that weight is not a good quality metric for health). But I won't advocate for weight loss at any cost when doing so is, at best, ineffective and can be extremely harmful at worst. I also won't use weight as a metric as health, since, as you stated, not all fat people have evidence of metabolic disease.
Where are your peer reviewed studies? I linked 4 reputable health sites with peer reviewed sources, you claim to be a physician but the advice you're shilling isn't the advice I've heard any responsible physician give. No one said "weight loss at any cost" there are plenty of healthy ways to lose weight.
So firestar has to share where they got their medical degree and their peer-reviewed studies but you don't? A bit hypocritical don't you think?
HAES relies strongly on "trust me bro"
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I’ve been a variety of weights. You make good points. The other half is that underweight is also associated with a host of serious problems, including shortened lifespan — and people with anorexia die far too early, many times. Large weight loss carries risks, too. I’ve lost one family member from complications associated with substantial weight gain/loss, and almost lost another from anorexia. The dangers are real, both directions. Better and more accurate than to claim health has nothing to do with size, as this couple claims, would be to encourage people to take good care of themselves, mentally and physically, whatever the scale says — and then a healthy weight is easier to achieve/sustain, anyhow.
Been heavy since childhood. Dx'd with Metabolic Syndrome in my mid-30s. Struggled and struggled with my weight. DX'd DM2 at age 50. DM has been controlled with meds (non-insulin) until about a year ago when everything started to climb. My PCP put me on Mounjaro and it's been a godsend. This is where I truly learned about my metabolic dysfunction. My A1c is now 5.2. AM-FBG running around 90. Down 60 lbs. I firmly believe that chronic obesity WILL catch up to a person if it's not tackled APPROPRIATELY. And that includes healthy eating, exercise, and TREATMENT for biochemical imbalances in people with chronic issues, including PCOS. How I wish this med had been around 20 years ago. I may...MAY have avoided contracting DM if it had been. ETA: "Help themselves." I would want you to define that I bc see countless stories of chronically obese people doing everything under the sun to "help themselves" to little or no avail and it took metabolic regulation via Rx med to turn things around. I think it's incumbent on the medical profession to get educated on CO as a disease. It's not a moral or character failing.
You are so full of shit. Show me how many people on your 500lb life lived a normal lifespan.
I'd be very clear with her on your boundaries, I had to do this with my grandmother. But just a word of advice from a fellow chonky gal with chronic pain...your weight does affect things, even if it's not _causing_ the pain it has an effect on how you experience things. Most weight related health issues are caused by being at a larger weight for long periods so while you're not having health issues now they can appear down the line from continuing stress. Things like back and joint issues, organ damage etc. So please don't let feeling that you're fine now keep you from seeking to be healthier. It just gets harder as you get older! You can be beautiful and happy at any size but we should also try to be as healthy as possible for our bodies and future! I wish you all the very best in uni and with everything!!
💯 it is a fallacy that you can be "healthy at any weight". You may be ok when you're younger but the extra weight as you age is extremely detrimental. Joint issues, diabetes and dementia not to mention shortened life span. No one should put up with comments that make them feel uncomfortable but OP please don't drink the Kool Aid and believe that excess weight to the point of obesity is healthy.
Now that really depends on how much extra weight and age group. Being underweight actually comes with a higher mortality rate for older people, than adipositas grade I. Just being overweight is actually not really detrimental health wise. I'm not saying that it's healthy, but it definitely isn't helpful to generalise. Also it really depends on your eating and exercise habits. (What OP describes does not sound like healthy eating habits, though- I would work more on that if being healthier is a goal)
Yes .. a little extra is good insurance when faced with a health challenge that causes you to lose your appetite.
💯 being an asshole to people and insisting your opinion must be taken as gospel is a short track to dying alone. Tone it down. OP can change her weight but you're gonna struggle to change your awful personality.
Absolutely this. There will come a time when weight + chronic pain becomes a downward spiral. That's where I'm stuck right now. I've had chronic knee problems for going on 15 years or longer thanks to an actual birth/growth defect -- my kneecap is too small and constantly grinds, leading to bone spurs and now arthritis. The initial cause obviously has nothing to do with my weight and I was in a decent holding pattern for a long time until I injured myself 3 years ago. What activity I had been doing stopped, and I hit a spiral. The more pain I was in, the less active I could be, my weight went up. More pain, less active, more weight gain, etc. I'm also pre-diabetic now. I started watching my diet and lost a little weight, but it threw my blood sugar out of whack again, so more complications. The attitude of "I'm healthy, so I don't need to do anything" basically just kicks your problems down the road to a time when you may not have as many options to reverse it.
Absolutely. I'm a full blown type 2 Diabetic though my numbers are fairly good and hold steady it still puts me at risk of so so much damage. And it's so limiting. I wish you all the best with your challenges!
Thank you! The same to you!
This is a comment I made lower down but I really wanted to repost it in the hopes OP will see it and take it into consideration from someone who's 35, overweight abd also has chronic pain issues! No...no her mom cannot bodyshame her. That's not ok in anyway, shape, or form and will help her daughter to be healthier. It will likely make her even less responsive to things she says because of the negative and hurtful way it's being approached. Telling her mom she's fat when she is obviously already dealing with her own personal issues with weight would also not be helpful or supportive. I know you're trying to be positive and supportive but your advice is harmful. Shaming someone is not an act of love and shouldn't be encouraged. There are ways to have serious conversations in a plain, up front and clear manner with outusing painful or insulting language. When I was about 16/17 my grandparents had just gotten back from Hawaii. I used to go and stay over at their house all the time and my grandmother was coming to pick me up from work so I could stay the weekend with them. Gma picked me up and we chatted in the car on the drive home. When we got to the house I went upstairs to change from my work clothes (a white button up shirt and khaki pants, so nothing super flattering) and then came back down where Gma patted the couch next to her and told me to come sit down, she wanted to talk to me, I thought she was going to tell me about their trip. I was very wrong. Gma told me that when she pulled up to get me from work then first thing she thought was how fat I had gotten. They had been gone for two weeks, I hadn't put on any weight. I was also at one of the smallest sizes I'd ever been, though I was still a bit chunky. But that was her first thought, not ah there's my granddaughter I love and missed! She went on to tell me how my joints were going to give out and I would die before I was 30. It was incredibly hurtful coming from someone I loved and who I thought loved and supported me. She then followed me around the house as I tried to get space and I ended up leaving and getting my mum to come get me. I know she's from a different generation and they talk about things differently but it was really rough to go through. I had to be very clear about boundaries and what was and wasn't going to be allowed going forward. Being over weight is not healthy and even if the pain OP experiences doesn't originate because of her weight, her weight _will_ have an effect on it. Whether that happens now as increased pain or in years to come in the form of joint pain and deterioration or both is a bit of a toss up. Being overweight for long periods causes more harm and damage and the longer you bear the weight the harder it is to get it off, especially as you get older. Health at every size (imo) is a dangerous movement because it leads people to believe that you can be morbidly obese and yet still be healthy and that's just not true. Our bodies were not meant to bear that kind of weight, especially not long term and it causes major issues with multiple organ systems, bones, soft tissues, joints, everything. It can even cause increased pressure in your skull leading to neurological complications. Beauty at every size does exist, and everyone deserves to feel beautiful and confident and comfortable in their skin. I've been over weight for most of my adult life due to some serious health issues. I've struggled and worked continuously to lose weight in a healthy manner, to be as healthy as I can. I feel comfortable in my skin, I don't have a desire to be skinny or super small, I like having a little pudge and squish, my partners like it too! But I want to be healthy. I want things to be easier on my body. I already have diabetes and the beginning of joint issues, I don't want them to get worse. But we need to be considerate of the language we use and how we approach these topics so that we can have frank and honest conversations without being hurtful or making the person feel lesser or as though the rest of who they are doesn't matter beyond how big they are.
That is not at all what HAES is about. “HAES is based on five principles: weight inclusivity, health enhancement, respectful care, eating for wellbeing, and life-enhancing movement, all of which support building healthy habits, as opposed to fixating on weight status.”
You are just as bad as her mother by lecturing her about her body, health and weight. Stick to the question asked: how to tell her mother to stop commenting on her weight and body. You should so the same and take your concern trolling elsewhere.
I'm sorry but I'm not "concern trolling" I'm sharing experience of what could very possibly be her future. I'm 35 and over weight, I also have chronic pain. It only gets harde8r to lose weight as you get older. I want her to be aware of this so she can use the information to her benefit. To also know she's not alone in this struggle. There are serious concerns that can be easy to brush off. I want OP to be able to set healthy boundaries with her mother and also be able to live her best life in all aspects and not wind uo where I am as a type 2 Diabetic who's starting to have joint issues and too much pressure on her brain. And I'm not not even super super overweight.
You are NTA by a long shot. No one has the right to comment on your weight or appearance, and your mum should accept that she shouldn’t do something that upsets you. I have a lot of food/weight related issues because my family are the same, my nan is obsessed with whatever new fad diet comes out and passed the obsession to my mum and aunt (who are slowly recovering) and myself (fortunately the other grandkids are much younger). It’s taken me years but I now have a ‘you don’t comment on my body or eating habits in any capacity’ rule with her that she is starting to accept. I still discuss things occasionally with my mum and aunt, mostly because I want them to see how damaging it was and how much it could damage the other ‘kids’ (various teens/tweens). But I have to be the one to initiate.
Nta nobody want's to talk about their weight. I was overweight when I had some stomach issues. I was eating all the time but still lost 40lbs. I was sick and it was just going right through me. I ended up in the hospital. I have now gained back all that weight plus some because I got use to being hungry and eating all the time and still losing weight. I'm now at my heaviest. It's strange for me because some people saw the weigh loss as a blessing and some like a curse because I lost it from being sick. Same goes for gaining the weight back. Some people are like nice to see you gaining weight now. It would be great if I had stopped gaining weight quite a few pounds ago. My question is just for you to think about. Is telling her it worth it? Your mom is just happy for you. Her comments make you uncomfortable but she's still going to see weight loss as a healthy thing for someone she cares about regardless. Sometimes you can talk to your parents to get them to see thing your way and sometimes you can't Sometimes it's not worth the fight. I'm in my 40's and work a fairly hard job in construction. I go to help my stepdad do things around the house and get scolded by my mom for working hard and being careful. I'm still saying things like. I do this all week every week for the last 25yrs I know what I'm doing. She still can't help herself so I just make the same old comment with an extra year added on and let it slide. Why because not hurting her feelings is more important than actually getting her to see me as a competent adult who can manage their own life. Sometimes I get mad also it happens.
Here's a hint, don't congratulate people on that. Especially if you don't know how or why they lost it. I used to have otherwise confidential info about employees at work because of my job duties. The number of times I had to silently cringe while people complimented cancer patients, people with eating disorders, or people who'd gone through a major trauma and many other horrible reasons on their weight loss - well, it was so large I lost count. Plus, there are many people in bodies that fluctuate in size for whatever reason that dont want that commented on or noticed, and many that also find it deeply offensive when people do. Dont. Comment. On. Peoples'. Bodies. Just stop. Unless the person *asks* you if you think their body looks good, keep comments to things they chose about themselves like clothes, hairstyle, makeup, jewelry or accessories.
Especially when OP literally just said she feels uncomfortable with her mom congratulating her on it when it was unintentional. Incredibly tone deaf to then congratulate her anyways.
I agree. I lost a lot of weight when my son died. To this day I have a hard time eating. The people who comment on how great I look are the ones that know me. I could excuse a stranger saying something, but I thought the ones that are close with me knew why I was dropping weight so fast, and that it wasn't a good thing.
I'm so, so sorry for everything, and especially that your friends after it all lack the thoughtfulness to STFU.
I have a friend who has struggled with weight for a lot of her life, except when she was a heroin addict. She said she got compliments on her body all the time. She wanted to scream, and told me "I was literally dying and being told how great I looked." I have to remind myself of that story sometimes when I want to give a compliment.
You just did the same thing the OP is complaining about. Why would you congratulate her on her weight loss? She's not actively trying to lose weight. It's like you still want to define her by her weight or attempts to lose it.
No one needs to comment on OP’s body. That includes us.
Why is it OK for you to say it but not her mom?
You're NTA. >She doesn't get why it hurts my feelings because she would love to be told that. >my dad told me I should just take the compliment and stop complaining. Because **you look so much better because you have lost weight** is a backhanded compliment at best, and a thinly veiled insult at worst. Your mom is too focused on your appearance and her idea of what is attractive. If she were concern about your health and was expressing that, I wouldn't be as quick to call her an A-H. What your mom is doing is unproductive and rude.
Exactly that. I think it's an older generation thing, my mum is the same. She equivalates good looks with being skinny, and has been on and off diets for as long as I can remember because of it. Doesn't matter that everyone around her doesn't care, because she looks fine, she just grew up with those comments so it's kind of ingrained in her. The main thing here, OP, is just to ask your mum to not comment on your weight at all. It just shouldn't be a thing. Weight fluctuates, and unless you talk about it yourself, she shouldn't be commenting on it. Imagine you were sick and she was inadvertently praising you for losing weight unhealthily? Imagine you gain weight again in a few months, will she think less of you then? But most importantly, you just don't want her to mention it, and she should respect that. I totally understand not wanting her to comment on it, and she should understand that, no matter the reason tbh.
NTA. “You look good since you lost weight” carries the message “you weren’t good enough when you were fatter” and “you will stop being good enough if you gain the weight back”. Talk about conditional love.
That's a bit of stretch
The terminally online crowd and obesity have immense overlap for some reason...
NTA - it's fathomable that your mom's comments about your weight hurt, even if she means well. Everyone has different feelings about their appearance, and you've clearly told her these comments bother you =) It's not about rejecting compliments, but setting boundaries around things that make you uncomfortable. Your feelings are valid and you deserve respect and support from your family =)
NTA. When I was about 19-20 I drastically lost a lot of weight after pneumonia and everyone complimented me saying “you look so much better”, a few months later I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and I was always exhausted after losing so much weight fast and couldn’t even breath properly. People should stop commenting on other people’s weight and make “compliments” like this regardless of a situation.
I've been in a similar situation. My body looked best 2 years ago and for the first time in my teen/adult life my stomach was practically flat. But I was on a strict diet, my meals weren't balanced and I had very little energy. After another doctor advised against that diet I needed a year to get back in the same mental state as I was before. I am now 20kg heavier but I'm feeling much better and can do so much more. Now I am trying to drop again a bit but by healthy diet and exercising. Somewhere in the middle of those 2 states I was/am in would be where I feel and look the best.
Yeah, several years ago I lost a bunch of weight in a short time due to serious stomach issues, and I had a coworker at the time who was trying hard to lose weight herself. She was constantly making comments about how good I looked and going on about how she needed to do what I was doing. I kept telling her to stop before finally sitting her down and explaining that I had been to the ER twice and was worried I was going to end up hospitalized, so she needed to stop making all those comments. She mostly did, thankfully. Weight loss isn't always good, and it isn't always comfortable to be at the center of a lot of attention even when it is a positive thing.
NTA but I have a few comments about your post. Weight does have an effect on looks for a lot of people and there's nothing wrong with that just so long as people aren't dicks about it. Just because being overweight doesn't affect your health now doesn't mean it won't down the road. You could say the exact same thing about smoking.
It’s delusional to think weight has not effects on looks or health. If someone is happy being big good for them, just like smoking I wouldn’t comment on it being harmful unless asked because is their body; so I do agree the mom should shut up.
Yes to both.
being fat is pretty much as bad as smoking. you don't feel it in the short term. but just like smoke ruins your lungs over the years, excess fat ruins your blood vessels and heart muscle, and both of them contribute to cancer. both of them are hard to get rid of.
Also the chronic back pain not being related to weight is BS. Do things people have back problems? Sure. But fat people have way more. And carrying extra weight will make any back/knee/foot problem worse.
Yep. I don’t buy the “health at any size” argument. You aren’t healthy at 400 lbs.
>that doesn't really bother me Yet. >It's not causing me health concerns Yet. >I don't really see it as a problem. Come back here in 20 years. You are NTA for asking your mom to stop making comments about your weight loss but you are Y T A to your future self because you delude yourself to believe that being overweight is not a problem. It might not be a problem to you now, but it will be a problem to your joints in 15-20-30 years.
This. Mind you she already suffers from back pain at effing 19!
I get this. Tho the back pain is from a spinal issue and is not weight related as confirmed by 2 drs. :). Now that I can be as active as I wanted to be due to pain management I suppose passive weight loss is on the cards for me now.
Does the back pain not get worse with a larger weight?
No. It's been the same level of pain for the last 10 years. It itself fluctuates but that's mainly flare ups
So I’m having issues with energy, I’m also overweight but I know it’s not weight related because I lost 40 pounds and the energy issue got worse. I also have Breathing issues and for the longest time, even when I was a kid and a healthy weight and super active, I’ve had issues with losing my breath to the point of gasping for air for about three to ten minutes. My first childhood doctor just never took anything I said seriously. Then when I was a tad heavier than everyone else but insanely active my doctor told me that I’m just in terrible shape. I was given one asthma test but because it came back normal breathing illnesses were permanently ruled out as a possibility. Well I finally have an internal medicine specialist who did take me seriously. It took over 30 years but I was finally diagnosed with SITUATIONAL Asthma! I didn’t even know that was a thing! And now that I finally have a puffer I can breathe again. So unfortunately weight isn’t /always/ the cause of medical issues, although it can be a contributing factor, that’s not deniable. The problem is other possibilities are not being considered and doctors are dismissing what could be a serious medical condition to the weight of the patient. No one should have to go as far as losing 40 pounds to earn a doctor’s due diligence. Especially since that takes months to do in a healthy way and a serious disease or illness can go from easily treatable to very complicated within that time frame. And if you never lose that weight? You never get diagnosed.
Having to hold up too much weight will cause spinal issues..
weight may not be the source/reason for it but it will definitely have an impact on the seriousness. I bet it is a factor that increases your pain.
I definitely concur with this. I have always felt that I was fit and healthy at all the various weights, but I have never been my ideal weight, or even close, so until I started to loose the weight, I wasn't aware how much it restricted me. When I was early 20s, I tried riding my bike, which I hadn't done for years prior, went down hill fine, and easily beat my ex, but as soon as I started to try to peddle, my legs gave out, and just said no. I thought "its because I'm using different muscles from walking" and ignored the actual reason of "my muscles aren't able to move that weight" I lost weight and started to try to cycle again for the first time in 15-20 years, my legs were strong enough to move me, yes, it was hard, and I was unsteady, but I physically could. Losing some of that extra weight assisted me to be able to get fitter. Which then helped me lose more weight, which made me feel fitter. I no longer look at something I want to do, and think that I can't be bothered to grab it, because it involves too much physical effort, I now just grab it.
Good for you! Hard work, effort, discipline and consistency always pay out in the end.
In addition to excessive weight stressing joints, the fat generates inflammation. Husband works in chronic pain/rehab field. Add in Type 2 diabetes usually develops which ages all organs. Safe guarding health through SENSIBLE weight, moderate exercise is a wise and prudent lifetime investment folks. The cost? Free. Priceless.
Yep. My dad has been overweight most of his adult life, he has a lot of visceral fat. Result? Type 2 diabetes and arthritis in his knees from all that weight he has been carrying around for decades. The visceral fat is the worst thing ever. Even when my dad was in ICU for a month and he didn’t eat for 2 weeks due to viral pneumonia causing him complete loss of appetite, even then he didn’t lose any fat in his stomach. He literally looked like a lollipop: huge round belly with skinny stick like legs. People think it’s not a big deal to gain weight cause they think they call always lose it later but the damage is already done to the body.
My experience exactly. I've been overweight all my life and it's only in my 30s that it's started to cause some serious health issues. I'm working on it, but it takes so much time to lose weight and find the resolve to keep at it. OP, you're not doing your future self any favor.
Yeah as you age loosing weight and staying fit only gets more challenging. It’s better to build good habits while you are still young. You’ll thank yourself later for sure.
NTA. You’re uncomfortable with her commenting on your weight loss and asked her to stop. Just because she’d love to be complimented like that does not mean anyone else would. Stand firm on this boundary and tell her to stop talking about your weight and appearance. Every time she crosses that line walk away and refuse to engage in conversation regarding your weight/appearance. You’ve made it clear you aren’t comfortable with her comments and she’s being awfully disrespectful to keep pushing this.
It's really sad that your mother has never really loved herself and realized that your size dies not correlate with your worth. She is taking it out in you by mentioning your weight loss becayse now she thinks it makes you worthy and deserving. I'm sorry, she is so wrong! The next time she says it tell her mom, I am so sorry that the only thing you see as worthy is being thin. I find myself worthy for just being and maybe you need to get therapy to work through your self view!!
NTA. I had to have a similar conversation with my mother (she spent my entire adolescence yo yo dieting and trying to force diets on me). It took a while, and you may need to be really stern with her when explaining how much it hurts you. But hopefully she is receptive over time. Admittedly it took, like, 10 years for my mother to listen (she does have NPD which makes things like this harder), but now she only talks about my weight IF I bring it up. I Really hope that you’re able to communicate your feelings to her and that she takes you seriously.
I’ve been dealing with this all my life and I’m 55. What finally worked: Look her square in the eyes and say in a neutral voice, “We’re not going to talk about my body anymore.” Then bring up something pleasant to chat about, even if it’s random like a friend got a kitten or a world event. I’m glad you feel better! Editing to add NTA.
She is probably worried about your health, being obese is severely unhealthy. For her to keep harping on it is sad and wrong.
That’s also my take. OP states they are healthy, but has chronic pain/back pain?… yeah no. No healthy 19yr old has chronic pain. Losing weight will help unless the damage is already done. Our bodies are only meant to support so much weight. Abusing that will lead to chronic pain. Nothing about this makes logical sense.
Hey. Um I see your point but. The chronic back pain comes from a minor spinal deformity combined with hypermobility, my Dr says that weight had no part in the pain as I have had it since I was a child
I’m curious where your medical degree comes from. /s I was a very healthy slim young teenager when I began working in a family resort and carried far too many heavy trays of dishes and food for a few years. That was the beginning of an over 40 year history of chronic back and neck pain to the point that I can barely walk now. Just like any other group of people, assumptions and generalizations about the group disregards the people that don’t fit your limited understanding
I’m 58 and my mom has done this all my life-which usually triggered an eating cycle i strongly suggest preparing yourself before you see your mom for her comments. And have a plan for after you see her too.
NTA, you told her it offends you and she continues to do it.
This, saying it once because she thinks it is a compliment is fine and with good intentions. But the fact that you said you don’t like it and she continues to talk about it makes her the AH.
NTA Not wanting comments about your body is a reasonable boundary. You are not an object of decoration. Tell her that you'll leave the room if she keeps doing it or otherwise impose some consequence for her doing it.
NTA. I am anorexic/bullemic -not actively at the moment but I believe I will struggle the rest of my life - and I cannot stand people commenting on my body. It makes me anxious to know that anyone is looking at my body and thinking about my size at all, even if it's a positive way. I've told my mother this and she just says "I'm saying you look GOOD!' She is my biggest trigger; she's the person who looked me up and down when I was 3 weeks postpartum and said "Guess you can't lose any weight while you're breastfeeding, huh?" I start to feel panic when I notice she's looking at my body or when she talks about mine or anyone else's (I'm already in therapy and have been for years before anyone says it). And she doesn't care. She thinks it's fine if she's being nice and if she's not, she dismisses me by saying I misunderstood. It sucks. I hate it and I'm sorry you're going through it too.
NTA I’ve been there. Someone commenting on your weight when you haven’t brought it up, especially to say that you look better now that you’ve lost it, is harsh. What makes it hurt more is that a lot of the time these people either don’t see it as a backhanded compliment or don’t care about hurting you because they are upset that you’re (in their eyes) doing better than them. Gray rock whenever your mother brings it up. Don’t engage with her weight talk. It absolutely hurts, especially if they try to double down, but you need to keep those boundaries for your own health. “I don’t want to talk about this with you, if you want to continue to talk weight I’ll speak to you later.” Adjust the script as necessary to keep yourself safe, but you are allowed to hold those boundaries. And if they can’t accept that you are a different person and don’t see it as the compliment your mother may or may not actually see it as, that’s on them.
This is not a compliment, I hate those comments too. So what, I looked bad before? And even if I did, please don’t comment on my body. NTA
I've been told since I was 40 that I look good for my age. Now I'm 80 and the first thing out of my grand daughter's mouth when seeing me for the first time in 5 years is "You look so good for your age!" No one seems to understand that a conditional compliment is not a compliment at all.
Not related to the actual problem. But on what planet does good looks not have anything to do with weight?
On delulu planet.
Your mom's trying to help you and if she can't speak honestly then who can? Being fat is an objectively bad thing. Also, good looks are absolutely related to size, who are you kidding?
NTA - Especially if she is saying because you have lost weight. If she was just saying "You look great honey" then I think that's different as she probably being nice. But specifically pointing out weight is a bit weird, unless the person is like bragging about losing weight, then i would maybe be like well done, you look great.
NTA. I'm fat, and I lost weight for a while, and people's comments on it, while well intentioned, made me feel like I was under a microscope and being constantly judged. As a side note, if you have poor eating and exercise habits, (and any other poor health habits - tanning, drinking, drugs, not sleeping enough, not brushing and flossing, etc) the longer you go with those bad habits the more solid they become, and the harder they are to break. And you're not experiencing negative health effects *now*, but that's because you're protected by your youth. When you get into your 30s and 40s, you won't be protected any more and the results of the bad habits can hit like a truck. I have chronic pain too, from an injury not my weight, but the weight is now making it worse, plus I have new pains that *are* because of my weight. I have way less energy than I used to when I was younger, and the pain keeps me up at night which means even less energy, and being tired all the time makes everything harder, including changing my habits. In my 20s I used to be strong and relatively fit, working a physical job, even when I was a bit fat. But I wasn't in the habit of regular exercise outside of work, or of eating right. Now, because of my weight, my pain, joint instability and muscle loss, I'm weak, fragile, and physically timid. I can't do a lot of the things I used to enjoy, which is far, far worse than just not fitting into society's beauty standards. So my advice is: ignore what you look like, ignore what your mom says, but start regular exercise to build muscle and protect your joints. Maybe work with a trainer who specializes in helping people with back issues so you don't further injure yourself. Make it a habit that just becomes a natural, normal part of your life, so you won't end up old and broken before you hit 50.
Thx I might give that a go
NTA, but I disagree with “ I have asked her to stop, because good looks have nothing to do with size…”
I think good looks are a matter of personal opinion, and being skinny does not necessarily mean you are good looking. Same as being plus size does necessary mean you are ugly
NTA. You need to firmly tell her, "Mom, I'm sorry you're unhappy or uncomfortable in your body, but I'm fine in mine. What you want to hear is not something that matters to me. So when I see you losing weight, I'll compliment you on it, but you need to not mention mine because I do not care about it." For what it's worth, I have a very similar issue with my own mother. As a child, she set me on the path toward a binge eating disorder. I finally started to get a handle on that a few years ago. Then, I started some new medications that have interrupted my appetite lately, so I've lost some weight. My mother is the only person who says anything about it. I always tell her, "I don't know, I don't own a scale." I absolutely own a scale. I just don't want to talk to her about my body.
NTA - A complement or two would be easy to let go of, but constantly talking about it after being asked to stop is another matter. Most people understand when enough is enough, but she is probably fixating wishing it was her. I could see myself start to get very snarky and resentful about this. I'm not sure which option I'd go with. Ignore it and lower contact or remind her how much it hurts your feelings every time she says something.
NTA. It's good to start learning how to set boundaries at an early age. I wish I had. Also, your mom is projecting and might have a bit of internalized misogyny, which is sadly common.
“You look so much better since you lost all that weight!“ “Yeah, cancer will burn that right off.“
NTA. Being on an archaeological dig sounds amazing! Congratulations 🎉 Mom’s projecting their insecurities on their daughters is as old as time. Her mom, your grandmother, might have done the same to her. I have one friend “S” whose mom is particularly critical. She even dieted while pregnant with S. S seems to always be on some type of diet or another. Just know it’s about your mom, not you. Break the cycle.
Thank you. I will. And the dig is really fun. :)
I can sympathize. A few years after my mother passed, I finally lost a significant amount of weight. My mom was obsessed with dieting, always telling her children (me particularly) to eat less, get outside more—while she and Dad set terrible examples, and she enabled bad eating habits. My parents were in the “clean your plate!” camp. Had I lost my weight (despite her) before she died, *I’m certain every word out of her mouth would have been to take credit for it.* Pretty much anything she had to say on the subject would have been most unwelcome. NTA
NTA, but the extra weight will hit differently as you get older, and not in a good way. It's great that you are more active and losing the excess fat, it will benefit you in the long run. Forget about the appearance aspect of weight loss and embrace the health aspects.
NTA, my mom did this to me too and it’s because of her own insecurities and hate for her own body - growing up, she always was on a diet or commenting negatively about her weight. I unintentionally lost weight a few years ago and every single time I saw her, she would comment on it, drove me absolutely insane. I later gained some weight back and she stopped, but now she will try to relate to me about that, which I also dislike. I’ve learned to avoid engaging with her in the conversation, I just don’t really respond or I change the subject if she brings up her weight, mine or anyone else’s - she doesn’t get why it bothers me and it seems she talks about it without even realizing.
NTA. I gotta disagree with one part of your statement though. You said “good looks have nothing to do with size.” That’s definitely wrong. Obviously, “good looks” is subjective, and not everyone has the same standards of beauty, but the amount of fat on someone’s frame has an impact on how most people view their attractiveness. Beyond that, things that make you healthy are frequently associated with attractiveness. It sounds like you got your back pain in a good place and you were able to be more active and lose weight. That would make you more physically attractive to most people.
Nobody's the Asshole >Ever since I was about 12 my mum 61F has been on and off on fad diets and doing exercise trying to loose weight because she is also rather large. Health/weight-loss is clearly something your mom focuses on occasionally. Its like when a musician hears a perfect note. They *might just* comment on it. It may be hurtful at the surface but understand your mom is only trying to be encouraging.
I am 16 and I have been smoking for 2 weeks now. I do not have lung cancer and I am not coughing as soon as I get up, so I don't consider it a problem. Good smell has nothing to do with smoke. ESH
Your attitude will ensure that one day you will be obese. And the health problems will start. You are still young… just wait. Your mother is complimenting you yet you keep trying to convince her and yourself that you don’t care about how you look. You know why? Because you know you lack the discipline and inner strength to make your weight loss last. I think those who are too focused on ”body positivity“, ignore other, very urgent aspects of being overweight. NTA… But YTA to your future. This will be downvoted into oblivion but that’s effect of painful truths. Even those whom “support“ you do know that being overweight isn’t healthy and will become a bigger problem as you age. Your supporters aren’t really doing you any favors, are they?
This. She's already complaining about back pain btw. Also, someone who genuinely doesn't care about the way they look doesn't need to tell us three f***** times within a few paragraphs
OP has said in several comments the back pain was not caused by weight but a spinal issue.
She's lying to herself. Her weight might not be initial impulse to get hyperlordosis, but it's making it way worse than it would he, was she at a healthy weight Source: I have hyperlordosis
But it's not a complement to you This is coming from someone who is slowly taking on complements for their work. There's a difference between a compliment and a backhanded compliment. She's hurting you. That's what should matter here
If she mentions your weight, leave the room! Hang up the phone!
NTA I recently had a conversation with my mum about parenting, I asked her if there was anything about the way her parents raised her that altered the way she raised my brother and I- something they did that she didn’t like- she said they didn’t tell her they loved her for who she was, encourage her creativity or tell her that her art could be her career. Then I said “the reason why I ask is the other day you called yourself fat in front of my niece. And the ONLY complaint I would have about the way you raised me- and it wasn’t intentional because you were a mum of the 80s - is that you were always on a diet. That you called yourself fat, you hid from cameras, and when I put weight on in high school you took me to weight watchers. I don’t want my niece and nephew growing up with the dialogue that fat=bad skinny=good because it doesn’t. And we can see after 35years that yo-yo diets don’t work, the effect this had on me is it creates shame every time I eat. I don’t want that for them.” Sorry for the novel but maybe a conversation like this with an opening where she can think about herself and the way she was raised might help? I feel this annoyance deeply and I hope she can get past this. Good luck on your dig how exciting!
NTA!!! You have every right to ask your mom to stop talking about your weight loss. It's making you uncomfortable, and she needs to acknowledge that for what it is. How about we don't comment on people losing weight at all? You don't know how the weight was lost, if it was because of a medical condition, and E.D., etc. I say this because my best friend has recently gone through this. People commented on her losing weight, but not one of them realized it was because of a medical condition that she was rapidly losing weight. She had throat cancer. That's why she lost weight. It wasn't in a healthy manner, and she and her oncologist knew that. Also, I'm overweight. I work out daily, am extremely active, but I have a medical condition that makes it hard to lose weight. My doctor has told me that I'm doing what I should be doing, and I have made some progress. So, let's just not comment on other people's weight because you have no idea what's really going on. And no, I'm not saying every overweight person is healthy or has a medical reason behind being overweight, either.
YTA, its entirely your choice to take a compliment as an insult.
I (36F) know a lot of women in their 60's (including my own mother, lots of her friends, aunts, an ex-boss just to name a few) and, in my experience, most of that generation have terrible body image problems and are usually fat/body/food shamers. If you watch any of the TV programs they grew up with in the 70's, all the women are either stick thin and glamourous or middle-aged, overweight battle-axe type characters. I believe this, along with their own post-war parents issues with food or lack there of, has made them genuinely loathe anyone they see as "fat". They also learned nothing from Karen Carpenter's life, which baffles me. My own mother was very slim until she hit her late thirties and had had four children. She has made very little effort to lose any weight and is definitely overweight at the age of 66, but still makes unkind comments about anyone she sees who is overweight. She is also a horrific food shamer, to the point that I rarely eat in front of her as she always has something shitty to say. An old boss of mine is exactly the same and is always telling her own daughter that she is too fat (she isn't). One of my aunts is anorexic, and seems to be proud of it. They are all 66, which I find very interesting. Several close friends of my mother's (also in their 60s) have spent their entire lives on various diets, and they think this is perfectly normal. Anyway, my rambling point is, your mother of the generation who were taught that being overweight was awful, unattractive and would mean they wouldn't get a boyfriend and their life would be meaningless. They crave being told that they are thin as they think it's an achievement. My anorexic aunt was recently told by her doctor that she was "much too thin" and she gleefully repeated it to anyone who would listen. My sister and I keep telling our mother that modern women DGAF about what men want or what old women think about our bodies, but it's too difficult for her and others like her to grasp this after believing it their whole lives. This obviously doesn't make it right for your mother to comment on your body (or anyone else's) and I would spell it out for her in a plain a way as you can. If not, just don't engage when she starts going on about any bodies weight or body, as I have had to do with my mother. I don't talk about weight or food with my mother, and I would never tell her how much I weigh, as she would make a big deal about how it's too much. I'm fully aware that I'm overweight and am addressing it; she doesn't need to be involved in the same way your mother should mind her own business. If she keeps mentioning it, I would just say "this isn't a topic for discussion" (or something similar) and leave the room or change the subject conversation. You'll probably need to do this a few times. Sometimes grey rocking is the only way with family, unfortunately. \*Edited to add NTA.
NTA But she probably won't stop. I'm not saying it's impossible to change, nor am I making excuses for her, but she's only a little older than I am and our formative years were SO toxic about body image. Our ideal was held up as "heroin chic." We were told to pull all the bread out of our bread, ie, a hollowed-out bagel. It's incredibly hard to let go of all this stuff. You're not wrong and I love that the younger generations are like this, but she is also a product of her own generation and honestly thinks she's complimenting you. Plenty of people our age don't do this and have learned and grown about it but plenty haven't. Not excusing it. Just explaining it.
NTA
NTA. It is fine to have boundaries around this kind of discussion. It might take time to get her to stop but you have to be consistent and persistent. Give her a warning: Mum, if you bring up my weight or make comments on my body I am going to end this call. Let's talk about something important. (Then change the subject.) If she refuses and brings up your weight again you must end the call. Don't do it angrily, just say, "Mum, as I said, your comments about my body are not welcome. Let's talk another time," then *hang up* immediately. Don't give any second chances in the moment. "We'll try again another time." If she makes passive-aggressive comments about not being able to comment on your body -- which she will -- same treatment. You have to show her (not just tell her) that her behavior is unacceptable every single time. This is the only way to get her to change.
NTA, my mum is also weight commenter because she is self conscious about her own. I have worked really hard to work on my mindset to separate the number on the scale with how healthy my body is and to separate that from how I look and feel about myself. Currently 7 months pregnant and I've just been brushing off comments. They have all mostly been "positive", but even those can be a little backhanded. Not gaining very much weight or "not looking big" is not a compliment when it implies that I would somehow be worse if that had happened. It can be really tricky to navigate that, especially with someone who doesn't realise they need to/cannot fix their relationship with their body and food. For you, the main thing is that you've found something that you really enjoy doing and this has been an unexpected neutral consequence. And I think all you can do is gently thank her and then reinforce your neutrality. "Thank you for giving me a compliment (because that's what she thinks it is), but I actually don't think about my weight/ don't think I look better or worse/ I just enjoy my new hobby and still would even if I hadn't lost any weight". You probably won't change her mindset that it's a compliment and nothing to be upset over, but you can continue to live in your mindset of body neutrality, or however else you prefer to view your body to continue to have a healthy relationship with it.
NTA. I was like you and my weight loss has happened due to illness. Everyone is saying how much better I look but I was OK in my skin and my health is bad so I don't feel better and it does make me feel as you do. Enjoy the dig I'm jealous as I would have loved that
NTA. Nobody should comment on someone's weight like this, especially a mother. My mom and Gram did it to me, and by 9, I had two EDs. I still struggle. I was anorexic then an over eater a mix of binge and purging. It was rough. I'm at a healthy weight now, thankfully. Your mom should be proud of your accomplishments like going on a freaking archeological dig! That's amazing! Maybe your mom, since you said she is also large, is projecting her own issues onto you. Which isn't ok. I will say that now, at 41, I wish I had taken better care of myself in my twenties. Just keep that in mind. As long as you are healthy and happy, your mom should get off your ass about your weight. We have enough pressure from social media, filters, and photoshopped bodies. We need love and support, not someone to make us feel worse.
NTA. comments like that fueled my anorexia (since losing weight was so good, I looked so good, it's always good to lose weight)
NTA It’s not appropriate to talk about someone’s weight, especially when the person doesn’t want their weight talked about. And your mom doesn’t get to impose her internalized fatphobia onto you. Thinner isn’t better, it’s just thinner. If your mom wants to celebrate anything, it shouldn’t be your weightloss, it should be that you’ve gotten help for your back pain. Congratulations on that by the way. Chronic pain is no joke and I’m glad you’re doing well enough in that arena to be able to do the things you want to do
I think you’re wrong, but not an asshole. Downvote me if you must. You’re achieving something your mom is trying to achieve, weight loss which is starting to be less feasible at her age mind you. Why would she not give you a compliment? Simply saying good looks have nothing to do with size doesn’t make it true. That’s because that’s subjective. I think most people would agree that an athletic/average weight build is sought after and conventionally attractive. Looks might not matter to you, but that doesn’t mean our parents don’t want us looking as good as possible. Your mom wants the best for you and she’s trying to let you know.
I tend to lose weight when I get too depressed to prepare regular healthy meals, especially if I'm having other health issues in my life. I have had many people (doctors, coworkers, family, friends) congratulate me for my weight loss, and it makes me feel really awful, because everyone can see the physical effects that depression has had on my body. Nurses have even told me to "keep up the good work," as if my depression fasting was planned. If I'm at my skinniest, it's because I'm GOING THROUGH IT, and I don't want to talk about it. Some people are skinny because they can't afford food. Some people are skinny because they're sick. It's not always good to be skinny, and not everybody wants to be called skinny. I'm done being polite to people who comment on my weight. I let them see how bad they made me feel with their "compliment." If they ask what I did to lose the weight, I tell them I was too sick or depressed to eat regular meals. If they just say "you look so skinny!" I don't even try to sound cheerful in my response. I say, "oh, yes, I wasn't eating because I was really depressed over the death of my father. But discussing someone else's weight is pretty rude actually, so let's talk about something else." When they try to defend their "compliment", be firm about dropping the subject and get ready to leave the room/event if they refuse to drop it. Remember that YOU are not being rude by acknowledging that someone else has been rude to you. Be understanding of a one-time mistake, and less patient with repeat offenders. They're saying a thing that hurts your feelings and then telling you that your feelings are wrong when you speak up for yourself. If I ask someone to stop saying mean things to me and they continue to insult me or tell me I'm wrong for being insulted, I'd spend as little time with them as possible and let them know why.
NTA I’m intentionally losing weight and the amount of unprompted “WOW you look so much BETTER” I get is unreal. People say that kind of stuff to try and compliment me but all it makes me think is did you think I was that ugly before? And no I don’t think past me was ugly she’s still just me and deserved love just the same.
NTA. People in my environment used to do the same, my weight always fluctuates around 5 kg. So some days I might look "thinner", others not. When people say "you look good, have you lost weight?" I started to respond with "I always look good, no matter my weight". Get a lot of surprises looks and the comments have been a lot less since. Some people have actually started to change their thoughts regarding that kind of question.
NTA, and congratulations on getting stronger and able to work for longer and be more active! I have a bad back and injured knee, so I am working hard to get some more kilos off in order to reduce the strain on my joints, and it is so great when it works! As for your mother: she will probably not be able to change. My mother was the same, only she just ignored it when I managed to lose weight, so it was all negative, not a shred of positive when it came to my weight.
Man. I wish I had your attitude about weight and body image- and I’m a fairly skinny person. More than anything, your mom should be jealous of your self-confidence. Good for you, girl! 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
Thank you.
NTA- unfortunately our parents seem to think thin is always better. I went through a period of depression and lost 80 lbs. I could see all the bones in my ribcage and my hip bones. I recieved SO many compliments. I was literally in the worst health I'd ever been and people were like. wow! LOOK AT YOU! you're doing so good!!
You are defiantly NTA I have also been big my whole life (I'm 30 now) and like never concerned myself with looks after a certain point as well as I too have chronic pain(Ra).So when I would lose weight (I used to work myself half to death being on my feet all day and such) I would get compliments like that and it hurt my feelings too. It comes off as such a back handed compliment and you shouldn't just "take the compliment" when it's really not one, they don't get to invalidate YOUR feelings because of the fact your mom would love a compliment like that. Like I get the your mom would love that compliment but that doesn't mean you would especially because losing weight wasn't the goal for you. Side note: what you're doing for studies sound Hella cool tho I wanted to be an archeologist but life didn't line up that way so that's awesome!
Your mama sounds like she has some self-esteem issues. Typically when that happens, they like to project all the people closest to them. You arenot the a hole.
NTA, but here's where she's an enormous one: >She doesn't get why it hurts my feelings because she would love to be told that. She doesn't need to get it -- you've told her it hurts your feelings and asked her to stop, so whether she gets it or not, or likes it or not, she should stop. The fact that she won't makes her a narcissistic asshole. I have someone like this in my life: I constantly have to tell him to not do what \*he\* would want, or what he \*thinks\* I would want, but rather to do what \*I've already told him\* I want. Or at least, that's what I \*would\* constantly tell him if I talked to him, which I barely ever do, because of behavior like this.
I honestly feel like this is a generational thing. My parents and myself, being a young girl in the 90s, everything til relatively recently was about weight and how to look "good" and be skinny. So they see nothing wrong with complimenting it. I'm with you though. I wish people never commented one way or the other on my body. NTA. If you have expressed how her comments make you feel she shouldn't try and force you to accept her back handed compliments. She needs to understand that her perception of things isn't how other perceive them. Sure she'd love to hear that she looks good and skinny. But her daughter is teller her otherwise, she should respect that. Unfortunately there is no getting through to some people. She may never see your side. :( Congrats on being able to dig for 8 hours! That's not easy! You must be getting strong 💪
One semester in college people kept asking me how I'd lost 10 lbs, my mom included. I told them it was the "Broke Ass Diet". Cereal for breakfast, peanut butter and jelly for lunch and another peanut butter and jelly (maybe 2) for dinner. I literally could afford more than that. I lost weight because I was barely eating. Not through discipline or some magical system or pill. People tended to quit commenting after id yell them.
NTA. Make a boundary such as if she mentions your weight, you will end that conversation - hang up or walk away. You're not alone in your feelings and even if you were, you're entitled to them
NTA I grew up with one of those mothers. She's obsessed with weight, fat, and appearing too big, but realistically her obsession has nothing to do with health. (She'd swear otherwise.) It's all about image and her insecurities. It doesn't matter how thin, fat, or fit she or I have been at different times. She can't let it go. I, too, have chronic illness (neurological & autoimmune conditions). If I lose any visible weight, she suddenly starts talking like I've randomly been cured. I've even had times where my illnesses made me randomly lose weight or be unhealthily underweight & she acts like someone should throw a party. If I gain visible weight, whether or not I was underweight or fat to begin, she zeros in & has something negative to say. Like you, I found my mom's comments, good or bad, to be very painful. What I had to realize is that her comments have nothing to do with me. My mom is mentally and emotionally stunted when it comes to her insecurites involving weight. I tried explaining how/why things hurt me. It didn't make her stop saying things because in that area she already didn't care about how I felt. She only cares about how she feels. It's all our moms' own insecurites being vomited our way. They might think we look better (so bad before), but that's their issue. Can you imagine existing in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, & older with nothing better to focus on? With having literally nothing more interesting going through your head or happening in your life than that? How BORING. I personally think it's a pathetic way to live. Once I realized I felt that way, my mom stopped hurting my feelings. I suddenly viewed her words & thoughts as so skewed that I stopped valuing anything she had to say that was related to any weight stuff. That includes comments about my appearance. Now this doesn't make constantly hearing about it less annoying. I'd rather hear or discuss something actually interesting, for example, an archeological dig or someone's new hobby. What I've had to do is stop explaining or asking. I started telling her that she doesn't need to make comments on my appearance. I've started directly changing the subject when she focuses on weight or a fad diet. If she tries to insinuate or directly says that my motivation for something is my appearance or weight, then I look at her & say I don't care about that. Or why would I care about that? I act like she's being a weirdo by assuming that, bc she is. After doing all that stuff constantly, I've mostly trained her to catch on & stfu. For times it doesn't work, well I suddenly am too busy to stay on the phone or need to leave early. Set your boundaries however you need to for you. You aren't complaining. Your mom has issues. You don't have to participate if you dont want. You dont treat her behavior as okay if you don't believe it is.
NTA. I got sick and I lost about 30 lbs in 3-4 months, and while my family wasn’t praising me for the weight loss, comments about “you need to eat something” in all variations were never ending. It was awful. I was sick, I couldn’t eat, didn’t want to be losing weight, yet every time I saw anyone I was related to I would have to hear how much better I’d look if I just ate more and gained some weight. Shits not helpful when you’re throwing up 3 times a day and not able to eat enough to make up the difference in calories. It got to the point where my sister, who I don’t get along with, would snap at people and tell them to shut up and stop commenting on my weight. My point is, people need to shut up and mind their business.
NTA. I feel for you! I also would encourage many of the commenters to look at some of the more up-to-date research on weight and health. Weight loss is not a simple matter of “willpower,” losing weight is not always inherently healthier, commenting on others weight is not actually an effective tool to inspire them to lose weight as it’s a hugely shame-tied subject, and there’s a lot more to the topic than a confirmation bias to what cultural conditioning has drilled into us (“being overweight = being unhealthy”). I highly recommend Aubrey Gordon’s books and podcasts as a great starting point. If you want to check out just one episode of something, the “obesity epidemic” episode of You’re Wrong About / Maintenance Phase is very good! It’s okay to be incorrect about science if you’ve only ever been encouraged to think one way about something. But it’s important to strive to learn about what is actually going on, even if it challenges pre-conceived notions and ideas that feel more comfortable to us.
i hope you know you’re not the asshole deep down. also if you need some facts to combat this nonsense /solidarity, i’d suggest listening to maintenance phase and/or reading aubrey gordon’s book.
NTA! My (40f) mom (64f) is the *worst* about this. Constantly making body shaming comments and mailing me random supplements to try. I don’t take them. I’m breastfeeding currently and have told her this on repeat for several years during my pregnancies, etc. They stack up until they expire and I toss them. It’s hurtful and it’s honestly just gross behavior. Nearly every call we have (we speak almost daily) she reminds me that she is “as small as” my smallest sibling. “You used to be the smallest, remember that? Remember when we could all share a closet?” “I get it mom, I’m fat. It’s a season and I’m sorry you are so ashamed about it, next topic.” That’s usually my response. I’ve even hung up after telling her we will talk again when she is ready to discuss something other than my weight. I’m sorry your mom cannot accept you the way you are. You sound wonderful and I’m intrigued by your course choices in uni - wishing you all of the best!
Thank you:). And unis really fun
NTA My Mum rarely commented on my fat, but it's still stuck with me when she did. It was never when I lost weight and everybody else commented. It was only ever when I was young and still learning my relationship with fat management that she commented that I was getting fatter. There are things she's come to see a different light of. But it still determined my relationship with weight.
Congratulations on: -getting help for your back pain, that’s so cool! -your first dig. Again, how fucking cool are you? -getting to college and away from your mum who is missing out on what is exciting for you. I hope you get to spend a lot of time with people who aren’t obsessed with your weight and who have way more interesting things in their lives. NTA. Obvs.
Thank you. :).
NTA
Start making your own backhanded compliments to them. “That outfit is so much nicer than what you wore yesterday!” Or, “I’ve always admired how you wear whatever you want, no matter what anyone else thinks of it.” Or, “That’s a great picture of you! I hardly recognize you!” Just make stuff up just to throw their ego off a bit, and act SO surprised when they don’t accept the “compliment.”
She is trying to pay you a compliment. It's something she strives for. Weight has everything to do with looking good and how people treat you. You're NTA, but neither is she
I don’t know how you feel about it, but I don’t think she was talking about you looking good beauty wise. She most likely meant you look “good” and in healthy and in good condition. But please don’t take this as offensive, it’s not meant to be, but your mom is kinda old. Being this, she may have some ideaologies from back then where any girl over 130 pounds is a monster
The truth of the matter is you’ll likely go through weight fluctuations through your later 20s going into your 30s and if you don’t set the boundary now that your body size isn’t up for open discussion, this will follow you through your adult life.
NTA. You expressed it’s hurtful and that should’ve been the end of the conversation. Idk whether you will be able to get through to your parents on this though… this seems like some deeeeeeeply ingrained stuff your mom is operating with regarding beliefs about weight and health
This is a generational thing. It sucks that she persists even though you have told her it hurts your feelings. I suspect that she loves you and wants the best for you and cannot let go of her own perspective that thin = better. Is this the only thing between the two of you that is hurtful? If so, I would try to put it in perspective and forgive her for her ignorance. If she was raised in the timeframe I suspect she was, she was literally steeped in "thin" culture and may not ever be able to free herself from it. Likely, she was damaged by that; as you say, she is/was not thin and is coping with her own demons. You sound like you have a better and healthier body image perspective than she does. Maybe instead of being focused on what she is doing to hurt your feelings, you could turn it around and try to be thoughtful about how you might help her feel better about her own body. I spent a lot of time feeling frustrated and hurt by my own mother, but once I decided that she loved me and was doing the best she could with what she had, it was easier to forgive her and be less hurt and frustrated by her comments. Oddly, once I let my own hurt go, she was better, too, and now we have a close relationship. She still stumbles occasionally, but it's okay with me, I love her and am so glad to have her in my life - she's the only mother I have and there is so much more to appreciate about her, than the parts that aren't so great.
NTA. hang in there, it hard to de-program from unhealthy ideas of body image and weight standards. my grandma and mom still don’t realize the effect of their comments my whole life. even as “average” size now in my 30s, I still have severe body dysmorphia. I just had 2 babies and everyone keeps commenting on my “post-baby” weight loss and I finally had to nicely ask my mom to stop mentioning my weight as one of the first things she & my sister say to me when they see me. i’d walk in and they’d be like “omg you look so skinny” or “don’t worry, it takes time to lose weight” and finally I was just like “there are far better things about me and my personality aside from my weight that you can comment on”. my approach was a little blunt so they were taken aback at first, but one I re-phrased it and explained the why, they stopped doing it as much, still happens unfortunately. my mom improved, but my grandparents still make comments. I just had to make the decision for my own mental sanity that i visit less and make less of an effort to see them.
Had this recently with my dad. He means well but I lost 50 lbs in 3 weeks because of illness not diet. I am not actively trying to lose weight so it was not appreciated. He then started talking about me joining a gym... I'm currently hospitalised on an oxygen machine, joining a gym is the least of my worries right now.
Mom & Dad= very insensitive.
You can and should ask her to stop if it's bothering you, but you can't change what she chooses to think. My grandma was the same way.. had me on diets in grade 5, always called me fat.. once after losing 30lbs after being in an abusive relationship and I wasn't overweight to start with, all she could do was say how good I looked. No interest in whether or not I was okay. She was neglectful and abusive, but I think the weight stuff stems from her childhood. She was incredibly dirt poor and as skinny as a stick, which of course was not by choice. If we neglect our own issues we end up projecting them on others. I have compassion for her and I love her.
NTA I hate when people do this and my mum is the same. Seeing thinness as healthy or good . My mother thinks Kate Middleton is a saint because she's skinny. That's how bad she is. At least you have a healthy attitude
NTA x infinity. Totally completely understand your feelings. This could my story. I hate when people say you look great loosing weight. It makes me think well what did they think of me before.
NTA. I hate being reminded of my weight. *sings Indiana Jones Theme Song*
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NTA. There is no need to comment on other people's body if they don't specifically ask for it or you're they're doctor. No one here knows if your mom ment it as a true, if misguided, compliment, or not, but if you don't want her too, she should stop and respect your boundaries. There are so many reasons why it might be harmful to comment on somebodies body. There are barely any upsides. I'll never get why everyone's suddenly a doctor or qualified researcher when someone says they're overweight. Shut the f**k up. If it would help to simply tell someone that being overweight is bad (which isn't even true if you say it like that), then there wouldn't be any fat people. There are a myriad of reasons that lead to someone being overweight or obese. Telling them they're fat and how unhealthy that is and that they should lose weight is actually detrimental to the cause.
NTA. you need to deal with it now, though, for your own mental well-being, and so that you don't spiral into unhealthy patterns. if you need to yell at her, go to therapy, whatever. because she's probably never going to stop doing it.
NTA. It’s nobody’s business but your own and maybe medical professionals if you seek that support.
NTA - mams will be mams. I've 46 years of.....your a bit pale pet, are you sick? I could have a full face of make up on, I could have a 6 week solid lying in the sun suntan. It makes no difference. I just accept it as Mams way of saying hi & showing she cares. I've no idea what actually drives the behaviour.
NTA. Your mom is self projecting. I recently had to set a hard boundary with my mom that she is not allowed to comment on my weight/appearance. It is very uncomfortable and I feel for you OP.
NTA. I weighed 377 at my heaviest and heard all kinds of comments from my family. "Don't come crying to me if you get sick!" Was one my dad levied at me when I was 15. I eventually lost over 200 pounds through diet and weight-loss surgery. For me, being physically fit and being able to do so much more than I could do when I was heavier is way more empowering and important than how I look. I would be irritated with anyone who kept focusing on my looks too. You should tell your mom how it makes you feel for her to focus solely on your looks.
NTA - sorry about your mom. Just say: oh I did not realize … then change the subject.
NTA. The only person who is ever allowed to talk to you about your weight is a doctor, and only if it is a health concern.
NTA
NTA, it’s never appropriate to comment on someone’s appearance outside of a sincere, unqualified “you look great”. Anything else has the potential to be an insulting backhanded compliment. I’ve received my share of those and it’s frustrating because they can be subtle and it’s difficult to explain why they hurt.
I'll offer a different perspective than others. Not saying they're wrong and not saying I'm right. It's another way of looking at conversations which may help... nothing more. >Personally I don't think it's appropriate to talk about someone's weight if they are not doing something activity about it. She won't stop and my dad told me I should just take the compliment and stop complaining. But I don't like it. So... we can only guess at someone's motivations for saying something. It can be an educated guess, but still a guess. Now add into that our own communication style, which we naturally think is the best way to communicate, biases, behaviours, patterns etc... which places a veil over how we hear what someone is saying to us. Bottom line... there's a ton of barriers that exist when we communicate. It can help to come to a decision that a person like your mum is trying to say something good. She may be failing at it, or you may not be hearing it, or any other reason. But if you decide she's trying to say something good it can reframe how you react to what you hear, and how you feel and behave. I say it's a decision so that you see this is a conscious choice. And it's no less valid than your other choice to hear a negative. For someone that's important to you, it'd change a lot in your relationship if you chose to see them as a flawed human being trying to do right by you. So... it's valid you think your mum correlates looks with size and is therefore, at best, giving you a backhanded compliment. It's also valid to think your mum is commenting because she wants to be kind. She wants to add to your motivation, self esteem and health. She wants to acknowledge your weight loss because saying nothing could be terrible. She genuinely thinks you look better... your skin may be a nicer tone, your features may be more defined, your style may sit better on you... I don't know.... but her opinion of ur skin, features, and style, is valid too. That's why dad is saying take the compliment. Good intentions are a gift. Communication flaws are universally human. Our personal beliefs about attraction, health, and taboo subjects can be balanced with another's differences ... they don't have to align. There doesn't have to be a winner and a loser in conversation. There doesn't have to be an asshole here.
NTA I think you could take the approach of "I don't derive any self-worth from my looks, be proud of the strides I'm taking in relation to me degree. But also, you calling me pretty at my current weight makes me feel like you're insulting yourself and calling yourself ugly at yours, and I don't tolerate anyone putting my mom down." From then on, if she mentions it again, divert it to "So you're calling yourself ugly again? Unacceptable."
I love that
NTA. She can say you look good without bringing weight into it! I bet you're more fit due to doing all that work, it gives people a healthy glow. After all, regardless of weight, fitness counts!
NTA as body shaming does nothing to help anyone. The only thing I will say as someone who used to be very “fat” for my height, I had the same mindset as you my weight wasn’t causing issues, but it actually was and I was only 29 when my blood work began to show that. I also found out a few years ago the asthma I used to have, often blamed as a result of my allergies, was actually weight induced as it vanished over 18 months before I got started on allergy shots.
I have an aunt who EVERY SINGLE TIME she sees me, for years now, exclaims, "Hey, you've lost weight!" Which just makes me think she thinks I need to lose weight. (I am not overweight but I am not 100 lbs. anymore either.) I mean, if I actually had lost weight every time she saw me, I'd weigh next to nothing. I know she thinks she is complimenting me, but it really doesn't come off that way! Last time I saw her, she said, "Now, don't go losing any more!" Ummm, okay?
My mom is the same way. I just don't pay her any mind
I was with my mom and we saw someone that I haven't seen since I was a kid. My mom then proceeded to tell them how proud she was at all the weight I had lost recently. Afterwards I told her that it really pissed me off and that it was the same as saying 'Hey, you should've seen how fat she used to be.' I shouldn't have been surprised as this is the same woman that tried to bribe me to lose weight as a teenager when I weighed 120lbs, no wonder I ended up with weight issues.
People seem to think that as long as you are “skinny” or you are losing weight they can comment all they want. “You’re so skinny!” I don’t shout “you’re so fat”. In their eyes it’s because it’s a good thing. But sometimes you just want to go about your day without a comment about your body.
NTA..what is with older women obsession with other peoples weight it so weird!
NTA, I had a similar thing happen to me, also during and archaeological dig (!) And your mums comments are way out of line. If nothing else because it sets up unrealistic expectations, digs are seasonal and if your weight returns to what it was when you head back for lab work rather than field work is she going to comment then too? Your body is yours and if you're healthy enough to go on a dig she has absolutely no place commenting on anything to do with your appearance!
Yay. Where was your dig? Sorry got to archeology nerd out once in a while lol. Mines with my uni :). But yeah. Parents huh
NTA the raging debate on if OP could possibly be as healthy as she says ignores the question and the point. OP's mother's chronic focus on dieting has led OP to not want to be judged by her weight. End of story. She is not comfortable with her mom's comments about weight loss. It is perfectly appropriate to set boundaries and not accept comments about her weight. Period.
I will die on this hill: you are never the asshole to tell others to stop making comments about your body. It’s just truly never necessary, it’s not their body, not their business, even as a parent; you are an adult. And all of the research shows that even best intentioned people harassing us about our body image very often does the opposite effect and makes us feel worse… just stop👏🏼Talking👏🏼about👏🏼my👏🏼body👏🏼
It's your mom's (unfortunate) love language because looks matter to her. I don't really blame her for that insomuch as she's undoubtedly had trauma from getting bashed about her size. That said, you find it hurtful and you've told her so and she can't seem to understand that. Maybe it's time for a conversation where you dig into why you find it hurtful and that when she says it, you feel like your only value is your appearance and that she's not commenting on the dig or how much your back isn't hurting (which is so amazing! I'm so glad for you because I've been in back hell before), and tell her that you want to know she loves you and appreciates you whatever your size and that she needs to stop commenting on your weight--up or down--at all. That this is not up for debate and if she doesn't, there will be consequences. After you tell her that, the first time she says anything weight related, look at her and say: I asked you to stop commenting on my weight. I told you it was hurtful. I'm going to leave now." And go. The thing about leaving is that you remove yourself from the situation and there are immediate consequences for her actions. Repeat that every time it happens and she'll learn quickly if she wants to spend time with you, she has to stop. You have to follow through without fail. NTA
NTA - I ended up having RnY weight loss surgery because I had gotten to a point where I was very unhealthy, and my doctor was like "You're going to have to lose weight, or you're going to die." She didn't sugar coat things, and that was okay. I didn't need her to. I told her that I had tried just about everything, but with my heart issues, one lung, and a string of other medical problems, it was damn near impossible. She put me in for GB surgery, and it worked. I lost 130lbs, and I look and feel great. At first, it was nice to hear that I was looking better, or people cheering me on or what not but after a while, it began to grate my nerves because they were NEVER this nice before. My parents were HORRIBLE about saying the wrong thing like "You look so much better now," and "You look so pretty now," and other things that I think they meant well, but it was hurtful. especially as when I was younger, they would always tell me "You'd be so pretty if you'd just lose weight," and "If you could just lose weight, you'd look so much nicer." It weighed heavily on me. For my birthday one year, they decided I needed to go on a diet pill. That was their gift. Yeah. It didn't go over well, especially when I reminded them that I couldn't TAKE those pills with my heart. There are plenty of people we see that are bigger that are very healthy. And some people who are stick thin and in horrible health. Weight doesn't necessarily equal health. I lost weigh because it wasn't a choice anymore. And people always want to tell me how much better I look and I've gotten to where I just tell them. "Yeah, but I FEEL better, which is way more important." They generally get the hint and shut up. Also, your mum isn't talking to you when she's talking about your weight. She's taking her fears about her OWN body out on you, which is wrong on SO many levels. I went to school with a girl like that. When they finally put her in an eating disorders rehab, she was close to 70lbs. People don't think before they speak, and people with mental-weight issues FREQUENTLY try to project them onto other people. Just be very clear with her. "Mum, I understand that you have an issue with food, and weight, but I don't. I am healthy, and whatever weight I lose on this new job I'm on has nothing to do with me as a person, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring it up again." I guarantee you she will bring it up again. When she does, ask her how HER weight loss is going. That will shut her up. She wants to project onto you and live through you what she can't for herself. It's sad, but it happens a lot. Don't let her do that to you. Last thing - Congratz on your dig! I love history. It sounds like fun!
NTA. My mother once told me that she was so glad I had lost weight, because I “looked like her daughter again”. She told me that my face had changed shape when I was heavier and that she had hardly recognised me - but it was all back to normal now. 7 years later and I have gained the weight back again plus a bit more. I have never forgotten her words since the moment she said them. Every time I see her I wonder whether she still thinks I look like her daughter. And she meant it as a compliment.
NTA. You are still the same amazing person with or without the weight. Your mother is projecting her warped views of weight and body acceptance onto you when it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she feels about herself. Try not to internalize it and keep standing up for yourself when she says these things. She needs to learn that what she is doing is wrong and she is hurting you.
NTA Set the boundary about no talking about diet, weight, bodies and if she does you will walk away. Then do it. She won't stop until you force her.
Unfortunately your mum is of the generation (mine) that says "thinner is better looking... no matter what". I used to love people saying to me "gosh, you've lost so much weight - you look great! What's your secret?" and I would respond, "Dysentery - would you like to be throwing up and having explosive diarrhea for three straight weeks?" Spoiler - I did not look better. My skin color was terrible, I had massive dark circles due to my iron deficiency, my hair was brittle. The only thing I looked was gaunt. But by golly, I must be "better" because I was thinner. I was able to frame that as pity for the other person who was stuck thinking being ill was a great way to lose weight! They were so focused on that ... they saw nothing else. You'd like your mum to see YOU and celebrate YOU not the image she has in her head of what "good" is that, remember, she's applying to herself too. Your mum is to be pitied. You don't need to accept her opinion. Heck, "Oh mom, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I wish you could be as happy with yourself as I am. Maybe ... you should get some therapy? The idea of women must be thin is awfully pervasive in our current society. You are fine without having to meet some ideal of what some man wants in a woman." Turn it around. If you can, Good for you about the back pain and chronic pain. That's a struggle! Good luck on your health journey and enjoy your classes and dig.
Nta, parents are fucken weird, mine was antsy when I was skinny then antsy when I got fat now I couldn't care less on her opinion about anything.
NTA. I grew up with a mum that did the same. She was about 10 years older than your mum. Im not excusing your Mums behavior. But ill share what helped me with my Mum. It helped me to realise my mum grew up with Twiggy as a superstar and rolemodel in her childhood and teenager years and how f'd up her relationship with food really was. I didnt realise how bad it was before she gained abit of weight in her early 60s and weight around 63-65 kg, the approx range for her height of 1.68m. she was glowing and looked healthy for once. Being so used to seeing her around 50kg it was an eyeopener. She dropped that weight and was back in her old starving mode less than a year after she decided to lose it. I stopped commenting on her weight after that, only commented on hair cloths or makeup and set hard boundaries with her on my own weight finally. Like walking away and leaving whenever she commented on mine. I made sure to tell her i would do that every time she commented on my weight. Positive, negativ, advice or whatever with weight on me.I walked away. And for a couple of years only met her in public. She cared about appearance so it hit home extra whenever i walked away with a loud comment. " I have told you again and again mother. My weight is not a conversation topic. Have good day. " She was mortified. Im betting your Mum grew up with Twiggy too and her likes and can help yousee the why she does what she does and say. You can try to sit your mum down and say, " i undertand yourself worth is tied in with your weight. I love you regardless. You are good enough no matter what you weigh. I do not tie my self worth to my weight. I am happy with how i look. I dont need you to understand why i get hurt by your unwanted comments on my weight, i just need you to respect me enough to stop. Can you do that for me?" See if that hits home
"Wow, look at you! You're so much prettier and better now that you lost that ugly weight that was making you worthless and ugly! I don't even care that you were doing rigorous digs at an archaeological site for your university studies that you're doing because you are smart, and obviously I don't think your intelligence or activities make you a good person. Only being skinny." Your mom probably has had the idea that being thin/fit is the ideal, and she's basing any compliments around that. NTA.
NTA but I highly doubt the chronic pain is not related to your weight. I’m assuming losing weight isn’t a problem based on your story so I will also assume the extra weight you have is from unhealthy eating. All of that causes inflammation which can lead to all kinds of painful health issues. Now, this of course can happen to people of all sizes but typically what we put in our systems either helps it run well or it breaks it down the same way putting shitty gas into a race car would do. All that being said, she should only be encouraging being healthy and not how you look. However, she is of an era where she truly does mean that as a compliment and not to hurt you. I’m not excusing it but just saying so may make you feel a bit better hopefully.
What I don’t understand is why people have such a problem with bigger people 💀 like it’s my body not yours it’s my health not yours 🤣 NTA maybe start messing with her 🤷🏽♀️ if she can throw it she should take it “mom you look like you’ve been filling out , are these new jeans?” 🤣🙃
NTA A couple of things. 1. You’re an adult now and your body is none of her business. 2. What she’s saying without saying it is that you aren’t/haven’t been good enough, and that’s bullshit. From your post it’s clear you’re a bright, sensitive, considerate person. A hell of a lot more considerate than your mother, in fact! I hope being away from home and doing important work has shown you that there are others in the world who will value you for the real you - not just whatever number you weigh on the scale that week.