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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my sister and my dad in a house that wasn’t mine and in front of my sisters 4 month old baby and said I wanted nothing to do with the baby.
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NTA.
A didn't want a relationship. Not now, not ever. If she was mature enough, she could have reached out at any point. Before her pregnancy, during, after. She didn't. You accidentally bumped into her and she immediately made it into a scene.
As for your dad, he deserved what you said. You don't get to preach family when you've forced part of it to leave because it was inconvenient.
I think there's a prerequisite of being on talking terms with said person. I wouldn't congratulate any person with a newborn I meet in the street. If we started small talk, sure.
OP probably wants to not have any contact with those people.
Yeah it seems like A made a scene on purpose, probably to validate her cold relationship towards OP. Stepmom seems to finally convince her that OP is, in fact, not family. That she didn’t even acknowledge As child (which she wouldn’t even know about if it wasn’t for a FB post) just validates that point and justifies all the shitty behavior over the year. Cause we can’t be the bad guys in this story, can’t we?
I mean, A didn’t want a relationship, but she did want the nicety of a congrats when OP saw her in person. I think op could’ve given that freely with no sweat off her back. I dunno, instead of just being bitter, maybe an honest talk was in order years ago?
I wouldn't congratulated her either.
OP wanted the nicety of having her sister maintain the appointments she made repeatedly. Or any attempt to acknowledge her two children in the 9 years. A could have asked how they were in all that time with no sweat off her back. Why does OP have to be the one to get rid of the bitterness. Why couldn't A approach without bitterness? Say something like "Sorry I blew you off all those times. I know it's been a long time. I have a baby now, would you like to meet them?" instead of 'Why are you not immediately congratulating me on the thing that I've snubbed you for twice?!'
Sure, OP could have played nice, but A, B and Dad didn't deserve nice because they never offered any themselves.
Added for further context, this was the first time I’d seen my dad in over 10 years and first time we’d spoken since I was kicked out and there is a 4 year age gap between myself and A
That makes you even less of an AH! They only want to reach out to you now because it’s convenient for them. I bet you anything your father and your sister didn’t even know you’d be stopping by your aunt’s house!
I wouldn’t let it bother you because their reactions say more about their past behaviors than yours.
I wouldn't even classify it as a 'reach out'. They simply happened to run into each other when at the same location. Had OP not stopped by to return something to aunt, OP would have NEVER seen them.
Exactly - it was performative to make them look good in front of Aunt. Nothing more. They were happy to let aunt think everyone was one big happy family and didn't want to look bad.
NTA. Why would you want yo reconnect with people that treat you like that? Your dad kicked you out, because his wife told him to. Why would you want more of that? Your sister ignored your children. Again, why would you want more of that? You were returning something to your aunt, otherwise who knows how long before you saw either of them again? You did nothing wrong, you stood up for yourself and your children.
If your dad was my brother, I’d have gone NC with him after how he treated you. Don’t let them rattle you, they’re all a waste of space at this point. A toxic bunch who can feed off each other. Stay NC. NTA
This. I'd have a hard time being close to my aunt after this. The fact the aunt is happy letting a man who abandoned his child play happy families is sick.
Why do they expect you to grovel for a relationship they refuse to give? They keep pushing you away, do they want you to beg for their “precious” company? What a bunch of losers, they are fake family
I'm so sorry that you have family that are this horrible. You absolutely do NOT deserve this!! You have had a hard life so far. Kudos to you for being a mature, decent adult with her own family. And three cheers for your aunt and her wife for being there for you all this time. THEY are your real family.
NTA.
NTA
I will never understand people who put zero effort into maintaining a relationship and then get upset when the other person gives up on them too. She's made no effort to keep in touch with you or meet your kids. It's not your responsibility to maintain a relationship with her if she cannot/won't reciprocate. She is a stranger to you by her own choices. This is all on her.
Kudos to your Aunt for being rational and identifying you as the true victim here. I suspect your Aunt's wife means well too, but it's not your responsibility to make a reconnection at this point (if you even want one). You've already gone above and beyond, the ball is (and has been for a long time) in your sister's court. If she wants a relationship with you, she's going to have to earn it.
As for Dad, if he didn't want to hear the ugly truth of his own actions, then he should have minded his own business.
>I will never understand people who put zero effort into maintaining a relationship and then get upset when the other person gives up on them too.
I can explain that a little. If someone else is making all the effort, you may not notice. "Oh, this person is in my life, I see them so regularly, they're one of my core people" they think, without being aware of how much effort creating that state takes. When the person making all the effort stops, it's just "oh, we drifted apart, no idea why, it just sort of happened."
I've been on both sides of that (and can acknowledge I've been an AH about taking a good friend for granted and only noticing when they'd gone). Humans are great at spotting things they are looking for, but we all have busy lives, and maybe miss some of the important stuff. Like, when meeting up with friends, tracking who organised it. Younger people experience this more - you "just sort of stay in touch" with people when at school, in college, or in workplaces, but when you're in your 20s, suddenly these friendships no longer have common points of connection and take constant effort to maintain.
Most common of all - friends through a mutual connection, like school, or members of a family. That unit splits up - the family have a breakdown, or school ends - and one member of that group puts in effort to keep the friendship going. Everybody else, it seems like the friendship just continues naturally. Until that one person putting in the effort stops, and suddenly years go by, nobody has seen each other and maybe don't even realise how long it's been.
Younger sister probably never realised how much effort OP was making. She's still the AH after this interaction, though, and OP is NTA all the way.
NTA
Did A even tell you that she'd had a baby? From your story it sounds like you found out about that by accident via Facebook.
I'd have been tempted to respond to her "To congratulate you, I'd need to have been told before now that I'd become an aunt. As nobody thought to tell me, and considering our past history, I figured I was no longer considered family, and you weren't bothered about my thoughts on the matter."
What you said to your "dad" was spot on.
That tells you everything you need to know then. If she complains in the future, remind her that she didn't even think that you needed to be told, so why would you think that she wanted your congratulations?
Apparently I should’ve commented on her posts and responded to the fb invite to her baby shower etc but we literally hadn’t had a single in person conversation in 8 years and hasn’t text in 5
Honestly, I still have FB for my family, but I deleted / do not add non-friends in it. If you are a hateful distant relative, you will never be in my friends and feed. Also, if someone becomes an ex-friend because they did something unappropriate, I will unfriend them. Since I no longer need 'em in my life, I no longer need 'em in my FB. I also don't add strangers and coworkers, I see no reason for that.
If she can't be bothered to even just send birthday greetings once a year for her nieces, then I see no reason why you should put effort into acknowledging her family either.
It's one thing to accept that life is busy, and it's easy to find yourself wrapped up in day-to-day minutiae, and not keep in contact as much as you might like, but it's a whole different matter if you can't even make the effort to send a message for special occasions!
My sister and I are often too busy to manage to see each other more than a couple of times a year, but I would *never* forget to send birthday and Christmas cards to my nieces! (I would send gifts too, but as their grandparents already spoil them with gifts, my sister and I made an arrangement for me to save money for them instead of giving them even more junk they'll probably never play with!) My partner and his brother are *terrible* at keeping in touch with each other, but again, we always make sure his nephews get their birthday cards and Christmas gifts.
Maybe becoming a mother will teach A how hurtful it is when folk who are supposed to be family ignore your kids.
Nope, I didn’t see him again after they kicked me out, I saw A at other family members’ houses or going on sister days out to keep up our relationship until she was around 16/17 and she wasn’t into it anymore
>I saw A at other family members’ houses or going on sister days out to keep up our relationship until she was around 16/17 and she wasn’t into it anymore
Is it possible that someone lied to her about you or otherwise manipulated her?
Not where she’d be young enough to believe it, we were super close until I gave birth to my oldest, then she started avoiding me but would be happy to meet up without the baby but I was a new mum and couldn’t leave me baby anywhere, she then didn’t come to my wedding because she was on a girls trip that weekend. We had many arguments towards the end and she said she couldn’t deal with being in my kids lives and too much was expected of her and I kept nagging her (because I’d be mad at her for keeping us up past the babies bedtime in the hope she’d come for their birthday when she said she would) and I said if we’re too much work we better take a break from each other because I can deal with you letting me down but I won’t let you blow my kids off and we didn’t talk again
There is something missing from this story. I don’t know what it is, but you do not have the full story. Whatever is missing may be subtle. Your sister may not believe she is keeping a secret from you. But there is a piece missing from this puzzle.
I do think B has bad mouthed me to her, but she was almost 13 when I got kicked out, she saw what happened with her own eyes and knows the truth of the situation, plus it’s never been a family secret everyone knows what happened and why. She was then 16 when I had my first child, 18 when I got married, and is 24 now. I gave her so many excuses in the early days saying oh she’s just a kid she’ll grow out of it, but she’s an adult now and needs to take responsibility for her own actions imo and that might make me an asshole which is part of the reason I posted here.
Kind of sounds like she already has, she hadn't spoken to her Dad in 10 years and her sister in 5. I mean they just met recently because of happenstance.
Hm, just because she saw what happened doesn't mean she really *gets* what happened. And I suspect B has done more than bad mouth you to her. There's probably a lot of "You're not really an aunt because she's not really your sister" and a heavy dose of manipulation to get her not to want to risk B doing anything harmful to her. (Like, she kicked out one kid, who's to say she won't kick out another if that person doesn't do what B wants?) And A may have not really realized how much she had been controlled, because it can be very subtle. Until she's confronted with the truth that she's basically ghosted someone she was close to and is not getting the reaction she wants from that person because she chose to listen to her mom rather than make her own decisions. And people in that sort of situation are much more likely to lash out than the accept that they have been the AH.
You being honest about her behavior and your dad's attempt to interfere? Totally justified. NTA. Even if there's an infant nearby. The baby's not going to be influenced by it at all. Maybe A will realize she's been the jerk and reach out with a sincere apology, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Keep ignoring them as they have been doing to you. Sounds like you're making a great life for yourself and your kids, and you don't need people like this in that life.
>Hm, just because she saw what happened doesn't mean she really gets what happened. And I suspect B has done more than bad mouth you to her. […] And A may have not really realized how much she had been controlled, because it can be very subtle.
This is what I was trying to say. And OP’s resistance to the idea is interesting as a possible example of the same thing.
INFO: if A was almost 13 when you got kicked out, and was born when you were 4, doesn't that mean you were 17 or so when you were kicked out? That doesn't really sound like "mid-teen" to me.
He doesn't deserve the title of 'dad ' op call him deadbeat or another word that is the right one. Fathers don't make their minor children leave their house
NTA. Your sister seems to think she's entitled to familial affection when she's not given you that in years. Your aunt was very correct about this being overdue.
I agree with your aunt.
NTA
> her wife thinks I could've used this as an opportunity to reconnect
Why in the hell would you want to do that? What one thing has your sister, father or his wife done that you want to reconnect and have these people in your life?
I think my aunts wife sees her wife in pain over the situation w her brother, and thinks if we all made up her wife would feel better. Unfortunately my aunt holds a lot of guilt over what her brother did and I think her wife just wants to see the family be whole again for my aunts sake I don’t think it was a direct dig at me just a wishful hope on her part
Your aunt is wonderful. Not her fault that her brother turned out to be an asshole with a wife that's also an asshole.
If your aunt's wife wants to talk to anyone she should be talking to her brother in law and his horrible wife about what they did.
INFO: Why were they at your aunt's house? Did she keep in touch with your father (her brother) all these years?
Honestly, it must have been such a shock to you to have them pounce on you out of nowhere screaming at you about YOUR behavior, which is the height of hypocrisy. You haven't had anything to do with any of these people for years because they wanted it that way. The nerve of them.
NTA.
Yes so my family pretty much all kept in touch with each other to keep the peace, my aunts never mentioned me to them (my aunt said they didn’t deserve to know how well I was doing) and if I was brought up they’d change the subject. The year after they kicked me out the whole family was broken taking sides and I just asked for everyone to get along (I was 17) and I’d just avoid them and they’d avoid me and everyone else just go back to how it was before as I didn’t want to be the reason my family was broken. My aunt’s relationship with her brother was never the same but we the type of family to have monthly bbqs and attend every bday and it broke my heart to see that change, so if I knew they were going I’d see my family the day before/after and the fam would take turns, I’d be invited to one event, they’d be invited to the next, if I couldn’t make something they were invited and vice versa. However since I’d had kids we tend to be invited to more things than they are as my kids are similar ages to my smaller cousins, but they were at my aunts house to introduce them to the baby I just didn’t let my aunts know I was coming as we have the type of relationship where we just pop in and out and because I hadn’t seen them in so long I didn’t recognise the cars outside the house
Hi OP, first of all, you did nothing wrong here because you stood up for yourself. Obviously it will bother you because it's still fresh. The audacity of some people will never cease to amaze me.
If you're comfortable sharing, what happened with you and your dad for him to kick you out? Of course I get that B was the mastermind. A lot of men push their kids away for the new woman but he clearly didn't do that with A. Has he ever wanted to reach out to apologise? I cannot fathom taking care of a child and just dropping them.
My entire childhood was B just making it out like I was a bad kid, if I cried over my mom I wasn’t being grateful to B for taking care of us, any minor kid thing I did like being 5 mins late home or talking back I was extremely punished for it and had all my luxuries like tv/phone/friends taken away. Eventually when I got to about 15 I stopped caring about what they could take away from me, I didn’t get excited for Xmas or birthday presents because they were just things that could be used to punish me and I think it scared B to see she couldn’t control me that way anymore. The final argument was B had taken my makeup away as punishment for only getting a B- in math, and I had a huge zit on my nose so I went and got my makeup back to cover it for school and B blew up about me invading her privacy etc and told my dad that she couldn’t handle me anymore and either I left or she did and my dad told me to leave and I went to my aunts house
Wow OP it seems like you had such a hard and sad childhood. Your mum passed then you had to live with a non bio parent who didn't to anything to continue that father daughter relationship. I cannot believe your dad would allow all of that to happen and take B's word for the 100% truth. Did he ever try to talk to you or you to him about B's behaviour? I am so sorry you had to go through this and I hope you got all the therapy you need to be able to live a healthy life after all of that. I'm sure you'll make sure your own kids never be treated like. The audacity of those people to try to speak to you after 10 years. Your father is really lucky your aunt is still on speaking terms with him because I wouldn't be able to speak with my brother for allowing his wife to treat you like that and for choosing his child he helped raised over a woman. It just disgusts me and I am pissed on reading your account. No child should go through this pain.
He used to and then B had a still born (heartbreaking but I think it added to her resentment) and my father felt guilty so tried to make her happy anyway possible
Ohh! That explains her behaviour a tad bit but why wasn't she that way with A? Your dad sucks more now in my mind. He should have protected you and he did not. Thank goodness you have a loving aunt that treated you well. I hope your dad feels guilty and it wrecks him after that visit.
What happened to your maternal side of the family? Are you in contact with them? Or your bio dad's family?
Protect yourself and your kids. Protect your circle and do not let those evil people into your mind and space. Explain to your aunt's wife your stance and make sure she understands that those people are strangers to you and you do not intend to have any contact with them. And if you ever happen to run into them again, (chances you will because now your sister has a baby so your cousin would invite her to stuff) just ignore them and be your calm happy self. Additionally, maybe try to call before going to your aunt's or maybe send a quick message to save yourself from seeing those people.
>but why wasn't she that way with A?
OP mentioned this in her post, OP isn't her Dad's bio daughter (he's her step-Dad) and that's why she didn't like her at all. A at least is OP's step-Dad's bio daughter.
> I didn’t want to be the reason my family was broken.
You weren't the reason. Your dad's and the stepmonster's shitty behavior did. Please don't focus on yourself as the fault here, it's not your fault.
NTA your aunt's wife is wrong; if A can't see the problem with her behavior and insists on being hypocritical, she's not nearly mature enough to be able to have a relationship with you and the kids. Communication is a 2 way street; if she wanted to rekindle the relationship, she should've reached out closer to her FB announcement about her baby.
NTA, they both deserved that yelling, and I think you needed it too for you own closure. Babies wake from door closing sometimes so don’t worry about that
NTA? a your sister made her own choices as did your dad.. your sisters mum got what she wanted and your dad allowed it..
They all made their own bed, tough if it’s hard to sleep in.
NTA. Reconnect? There were no invitations to reconnect. It's one thing for A to ignore you and your baby, but I didn't realize your dad forgot you existed too? Screaming in front of an infant is not that big of a problem in the context of this situation. Why is your aunt making excuses for A - there's no indication A wants a relationship with you or your kids. Your dad said family is supposed to be there for each other? That's a bizarre comment from someone who doesn't know his grandchildren!
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Long story so my apologies. Basically my mother met my step father and he took me on as his own, they then went on to have my sister (A) a year later. My mum died and my step dad kept me as his daughter and then remarried (B) when my sister was 2.
B hated me as I wasn't my dads and look a lot like my mom and eventually talked my dad into kicking me out the house in my mid teens and I went to live w my dads sister and her wife before I went off to college. 10 years later I'm married and have two children, When I was pregnant with my first A was super excited to be an auntie and came to my baby shower and everything, however once my daughter was born she never visited, I offered to go to her, meet her halfway, go do something like coffee date or beach day or something but she was always busy. Same thing happened with my second daughter, A was a no show. We'd message all the time but when I invited her for birthdays or weekends she'd say she was coming then just not show up. Fast forward my children are 8 and 9 years old and have never met their aunt, they don't actually know anything about her, no how are you texts for about 5 years now as I stopped reaching out because she just kept blowing us off. My sister had her baby 4 months ago which I found out via Facebook. I didn't message her because I thought she didn't want anything to do with my kids why should I bother with hers?
I borrowed something from my dads sister and went to drop it off the other day while the kids were at school. My dad, A and B were there with A's baby. I tried to just leave but A cornered me about not congratulating her about the baby or asking how she was doing, and I said why would I you didn't do it for my kids? She blew up at me calling me selfish, I yelled back I don't make a habit of asking after strangers babies and that's what she was to me. My dad said that we were sisters and family is supposed to be there for each other. I'm ashamed to admit I did lose my temper with him and call him a cold hearted bastard and who was he to talk to me about family wearing his no.1 grandpa shirt when he had grandchildren he had never acknowledged?. Where I am probably the asshole is this all happened in my aunts' house and in front of A's baby who was sleeping at the time but still it's not ideal to be screaming in front of an infant. My aunt thinks I was in the right and it was a long time coming but her wife thinks I could've used this as an opportunity to reconnect as maybe now A is mature enough to be able to have a relationship with me and my kids. So AITA?
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NTA. They did not treat you as family, so they dont deserve to be treated as family either. Just go LC or NC with them and save yourself the unnecessary drama
NTA
" but her wife thinks I could've used this as an opportunity to reconnect as maybe now A is mature enough to be able to have a relationship with me " .**. they just want a free babysitter.**
NTA. I cannot imagine how hurt you were. Good on you for looking out for family even in your pain and kudos to your aunt for her strength of character.
Is this correct: You absented yourself from family gatherings to save the peace. Your aunt was disgusted in her brother but mediated between family by alternating who was invited to different events. Since having children, you are invited to more family events.
I think we see why your dad suddenly wants to play happy families. A’s children might not be invited to all the fun stuff if you don’t suddenly forgive and forget.
NTA Your step-dad who kicked you out of your only home because his new wife told him to does not get to lecture you about family. Your half-sister who hasn't once met your children despite numerous invitations doesn't get to demand you fawn over her baby now. Yelling happens when people are caught by surprise and are hurt and upset. Sorry your family is like this but at least your aunt is a good person.
NTA
I can’t get past the audacity of your dad tbh. Was he literally wearing a shirt that said #1 Grandpa? And then spouts that bs after he kicked you out as a teen and hasn’t reached out in 10 freaking years?!?
Good on you for putting him and your step sister in their place. This was a long time coming and I have a feeling you would have had a lot more to get off your chest if there wasn’t an infant around.
Under any dictionary meaning of the word family it does not describe what your dad would call family. You have your own family now with your husband and children. Stay away from their toxic bs and be happy. You deserve to be happy.
NTA
A is spoiled. She thinks world revolves around her. My SIL is like that. She is 33 now and still thinks that she is number one everywhere she goes, that her opinion is the good one, that she can tell anyone what she thinks, people must accept and keep silent.
The difference is she is childfree and can’t stand children. Maybe A wasn’t comfortable and maybe a little jealous of you having children. Not a reason to not ask about them (like my SIL), she could also send gifts, etc…
And the guilt trip with everybody coming while you were even not informed of her pregnancy, you learned by Facebook she had a child, and your mother’s husband who comes to ask you to be an aunt when he kicked you out… who could keep calm on that situation ? Nobody can reproach you how you talked to them. Your children lost all those years with « family » but you must reconnect ? You’ve been drop out of this family and now, you have your own one. Cherish them and go NC with those people who just want gifts or recognition. They weren’t there for you, you don’t need them, end of the guilt trip for you. Live your life happily, that will be your best revenge on them !
Reconnect? With who? People who never made an effort for you? Treated you like you are heavy baggage? I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry your father wasn’t man enough to stand by your side when it’s obvious the truth is on your side. I’m sorry people around you don’t show enough care and love for you to know that you matter to them. I’m happy your aunt was in your side. I’m happy you have a family now, and two wonderful children who love you, and who you can love and protect, as you know you would have liked it to happen for you. NTA. Just live your life and be happy. That what I imagine your mother would have wanted for you.
NTA - They are relatives, not family. Just because your wife has a good connection with her family doesn't mean you have to. You're right, no need to reconnect with people who don't care about you. Keep on staying away from them. Your wife is wrong.
NTA. Since you were the mature one (reached out and tried to maintain a relationship) and she refused to, a sign of maturity would be her reaching out to you, rather than turning on you when you did nothing wrong. Baby will be to young to remember this, and A needs to grow up.
NTA why would you WANT to reconnect with these people? Relationships are a two way street there is no reason for you to make an effort when others won't make one back.
Also I'm glad you rightfully blame your dad to kicking you out. No parent who is a good person could ever be "talked into" throwing out their kid. They made that choice all on their own.
They are the ones who made no contact. I would just accept that they are strangers and move on. They are not blood family and have been distant for almost a decade.
> her wife thinks I could've used this as an opportunity to reconnect as maybe now A is mature enough to be able to have a relationship with me and my kids
Then why isn't A apologizing and offering to make up for ghosting you for years?
What is A doing to prove she's mature enough for a relationship?
Did your aunt know you were going over? If so this may have been an intentional set up on the wife's part.
NTA. From your writing, it seems too painful still to have reconciliation. While some people change, most do not and it does not seem From your description that there is much more than blame for you on their mind at the moment. Cut your losses and focus on your kiddies.
NTA There’s no reconnecting. There was no connection in the first place. I’m sorry about your mom dying. Your father really dropped the ball with you from then on. Find and create your own heart family because you deserve to be treated better than this.
NTA. Your aunt's wife should butt out. Shoulda woulda coulda. We can all be more mature in situations but when you're being ambushed by people who want to warp history to make you look like a bad guy, I'd yell. To hell with the baby. You're not an ahole, they picked the battle ground.
She doesn’t want a relationship, she wants another free babysitter.
You don’t have to have anything to do with other people’s kids for any reason, but this family are particularly hypocritical given their treatment of you.
NTA. Your aunt's wife is absolutely wrong. Why would you want to reconnect with someone who kicked you out and never tried to make amends.
I'm sorry your dad and sister failed you.
I’m sorry but anyone siding with your dad after what he did, can’t be called family.
More and more children are growing up lost and confused. You didn’t break the family, your father did. Your father deserved to hear the truth. He’s a heartless coward.
I don’t know what’s wrong with your sister, she’s showed how nasty she can be. And how come she wasn’t mad at your dad for what he did to you ?
NTA
NTA. Reconnection comes after acknowledgment and apologizing for the wrongs done. I see none of that here. If they want a relationship with you now after abandoning and neglecting you then it’s in them to rebuild that relationship.
NTA
No offense but your aunts wife is either extremely biased or daft as all fuck. This wasn’t about wanting a relationship with you, and she clearly isn’t mature enough to be in your or your kids lives if that’s how she chooses to great you after roughly 9 years of being MIA. This is about feeling like she’s owed something; and honestly even if she was mature enough now to want to be in their lives that doesn’t mean she’s owed that opportunity or that you should allow that. You’re also absolutely right that she doesn’t deserve any more than she gave you in the last 9 years. Frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t all coming from a place of being miffed that she didn’t get to use you as a resource to make her life easier. I.e. baby sitting, buying her and/or giving her left over items for the child, or simply overwhelming her with ass kissing comments about how she’s such an amazing creation of god for creating a child.
What’s sad is that if she even bothered to be maybe 10-15% more involved than she was you’d probably be willing; but she made it clear time and time and time again that she had absolutely no intent to be apart of your or your kids lives. Your kids are a few years removed from being teenagers and have not once met her in person. They couldn’t pick her out of a police lineup if their were bribed, and that speaks volumes. As far as your dad he deserved every bit of what you gave and more. She did too, they both deserved it; your aunts right that it was a long time coming. Where I’m stumped is why you’re still in your dads life in any capacity; or was this really just a rare accident where you didn’t know they were there and just ran into each other without knowing the other would be there? and if that’s the case why didn’t your aunt warn you? considering how they basically instantly went at you are you sure that your aunt if not atleast her girlfriend purposefully chose not to share that information as a means to facilitate this meeting? maybe I’m reading too much into that part specifically, it’s just worth thinking about depending on the circumstances leading to you showing up that day.
Either way I’d make it extremely clear that you have absolutely no intent of being anywhere near either of them, and not only is that not up for discussion but attempts to change your mind will only cause you to distance yourself as a means to prevent being blindsided yet again. I’d also go ahead and block A and your dad. At minimum A, but if it were me it would definitely be both. You’ve worked hard to build a life of your own, a life they have no part of. Focus on your immediate family and the life you created, leave those people in the past.
I don’t think you are the arsehole in the situation I think Stepfather his new wife, and stepsister are the arseholes in the situation, and even though you were yelling in front of her child that baby is not gonna remember it, your children are old enough now to remember that she is ignoring them and being an arsehole in regard to them, I wouldn’t feel too bad about it
NTA... your dad's sister was right. You finally told them what needed to be said. They may be your family technically, but you are totally justified for not claiming them as relatives. I have plenty of "family" that I don't claim. For me, this means peace and quiet and no drama.
NTA Nup. Fuck her. Why would you want to spend time with someone who is never going to have your back? Time is precious. Spend it investing in real relationships.
NTA
I'm glad your aunt understands. What horrible hypocrites your dad and A are (and B sitting there, being the source of all this dysfunction!).
Aunt's wife is wishful thinking/burdening you if she thinks you need to (what?) so that they could treat you as coldly as they have and still are and then expect you to treat them like family.
I started to type out what steps would have to take place for there to be healing and a chance for a healthy relationship and there were (1) too many steps to describe, much less actually go through, (2) too many that depended upon A, B, and your dad owning and atoning for their actions (that you are not obligated to forgive them), and (3) an actual desire on everyone's part to be in each other's lives in a healthy way. It's a pipe dream. Aunt's wife can live through what you lived through and deal with A, B's attitudes/hypocrisy before she tells you that you are the one who could do better.
I don’t think she wants to mend her relationship with you. All she wanted was an applause for giving birth. That’s all she wanted from you. And tbh, these are the people who abandoned you way before you stopped communicating. Letting them back in may reopen old wounds. The biggest love you can show yourself is to Let them go to hell. Live your life happily. You don’t owe them anything. God bless you and your (actual) family.
NTA A has had plenty of time to reconnect, why is the onus of that on you? She didn't care much about your kids or life events, she didn't invite you to get baby shower, she didn't tell you her child was born and if you hadn't happened to show up at your aunt's house when they were there you never would have met that baby. You don't get to ignore people then demand congrats from them. She and your former father laid the ground work for this starting when you were a teen, even he threw you out at the behest of his wife and when she decided to drop you once you had the baby.
If she wants to make amends she's welcome to apologize, you owe her nothing at this point.
NTA - A very convoluted situation but you had it bad as your family didn't stick up for you or by your side when you were young . . or even when you had your babies . . . Family are the people who stand by you . . and love you.
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NTA. Not sure why you're stressing about these people who obviously don't like you and want nothing to do with your family. It's weird your sister expects you to do things for her and her child that she went out of her way to avoid doing for you and your kids **while she is still no contact with you**. Her actions and your dad's actions tell you all you need to know, which is that you aren't their family and haven't been since long before you were kicked out as a teenager. It's baffling that your sister suddenly wants you to acknowledge her child. Perhaps she needs money? Or free babysitting? In any case, tell her she's delusional and go back to being no contact with them. Also, none of this is your aunt's wife's business so just disregard her opinion.
NTA. Your dad doesn’t get to pull the family card after he kicked you out when you were a teenager. Relationships are reciprocal. They have phones, they could have called you if they wanted to reconnect
You are responsible for your children. If someone does not make an effort to meet them after 8 years then you need to keep them out of the drama of hard feelings. You can't be expected to be more adult than they are. You got a gut punch. The nerve to pretend you are family and expect you to celebrate when they could never find time for you. So sorry you have experienced so much so young.
NTA - Your dad, B, A, none of them wanted a relationship with you. They just want you to be all ga ga over the grandkid they like. Cut all of those cancers out of your life completely. And anyone who insists that you should be the bigger person should go too.
You were correct in what you said, but why do some people feel that they have to scream when they are angry? Screaming automatically puts people on the defensive and they don't really hear what you are saying.
Y'know what gonna go YTA because common courtesy when you meet someone and they have a baby is to say congratulations.
You acted as if she didn't exist when you saw her.
Life happens, a 16y old is busy in different ways then a mother is. So it's more than normal she wasn't going to be spending her free time hanging with you, where there were many things she wanted to do with the time she had.
But seriously...
Not even acknowledging a person and their baby when you see them face to face? I can see why she stopped engaging with you initially.
That's usually when you have a neutral, solid relationship with them. OP's sister made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with her.
What you said was unfair and cruel.
Super light YTA. Rule 0 in my house for the first year of both kids lives was YOU DO NOT WAKE THE BABY. No matter how well deserved it was, you should have done it at a lower volume.
That said, this was a long time coming, they have no legs to stand on, and seriously? You found out through Facebook about that kid. That's next to no relationship level of close.
Good thing it wasn’t in your house. Or the sisters house. Or even the dad’s house. It was in the aunts house and she was fine with it. There is also nothing here that suggests the kid woke up. All that said, waking a baby up because its mother is coming at you isn’t an asshole move.
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NTA. A didn't want a relationship. Not now, not ever. If she was mature enough, she could have reached out at any point. Before her pregnancy, during, after. She didn't. You accidentally bumped into her and she immediately made it into a scene. As for your dad, he deserved what you said. You don't get to preach family when you've forced part of it to leave because it was inconvenient.
Relationships are a two-way street. A doesn’t want a relationship, she just wants praise and attention.
Correct. So many people do this kind of stuff in our lives. And so many times we just let it go.
A “congrats, how are you feeling?” Isn’t a relationship, it’s just an expected nicety when you run into someone who just had a kid.
I think there's a prerequisite of being on talking terms with said person. I wouldn't congratulate any person with a newborn I meet in the street. If we started small talk, sure. OP probably wants to not have any contact with those people.
Yeah it seems like A made a scene on purpose, probably to validate her cold relationship towards OP. Stepmom seems to finally convince her that OP is, in fact, not family. That she didn’t even acknowledge As child (which she wouldn’t even know about if it wasn’t for a FB post) just validates that point and justifies all the shitty behavior over the year. Cause we can’t be the bad guys in this story, can’t we?
Whats with that last snarky sentence at OP ?
Not Op, her „family“
ah ok. ty.
And while that family was a darn minor to boot. That ah deserved way worse and his wife too. NTA
I mean, A didn’t want a relationship, but she did want the nicety of a congrats when OP saw her in person. I think op could’ve given that freely with no sweat off her back. I dunno, instead of just being bitter, maybe an honest talk was in order years ago?
I wouldn't congratulated her either. OP wanted the nicety of having her sister maintain the appointments she made repeatedly. Or any attempt to acknowledge her two children in the 9 years. A could have asked how they were in all that time with no sweat off her back. Why does OP have to be the one to get rid of the bitterness. Why couldn't A approach without bitterness? Say something like "Sorry I blew you off all those times. I know it's been a long time. I have a baby now, would you like to meet them?" instead of 'Why are you not immediately congratulating me on the thing that I've snubbed you for twice?!' Sure, OP could have played nice, but A, B and Dad didn't deserve nice because they never offered any themselves.
Added for further context, this was the first time I’d seen my dad in over 10 years and first time we’d spoken since I was kicked out and there is a 4 year age gap between myself and A
That makes you even less of an AH! They only want to reach out to you now because it’s convenient for them. I bet you anything your father and your sister didn’t even know you’d be stopping by your aunt’s house! I wouldn’t let it bother you because their reactions say more about their past behaviors than yours.
I wouldn't even classify it as a 'reach out'. They simply happened to run into each other when at the same location. Had OP not stopped by to return something to aunt, OP would have NEVER seen them.
Also, true.
"Happened to" I'm sure thr aunt's wife who thinks op should have reconnected isn't involved in making this happen.
Exactly - it was performative to make them look good in front of Aunt. Nothing more. They were happy to let aunt think everyone was one big happy family and didn't want to look bad.
A was probably expecting op to play auntie, and babysitter
NTA. Why would you want yo reconnect with people that treat you like that? Your dad kicked you out, because his wife told him to. Why would you want more of that? Your sister ignored your children. Again, why would you want more of that? You were returning something to your aunt, otherwise who knows how long before you saw either of them again? You did nothing wrong, you stood up for yourself and your children.
If your dad was my brother, I’d have gone NC with him after how he treated you. Don’t let them rattle you, they’re all a waste of space at this point. A toxic bunch who can feed off each other. Stay NC. NTA
This. I'd have a hard time being close to my aunt after this. The fact the aunt is happy letting a man who abandoned his child play happy families is sick.
Why do they expect you to grovel for a relationship they refuse to give? They keep pushing you away, do they want you to beg for their “precious” company? What a bunch of losers, they are fake family
NTA at all op. You weren't harsh enough imo
Well he really has no place telling you how family is supposed to act does he? Absentee dad's don't get a say.
I'm so sorry that you have family that are this horrible. You absolutely do NOT deserve this!! You have had a hard life so far. Kudos to you for being a mature, decent adult with her own family. And three cheers for your aunt and her wife for being there for you all this time. THEY are your real family. NTA.
NTA Stay away from those people. Focus on the family that you’ve and truly cares about you. Go full no contact with your dad, stepmother and A.
NTA I will never understand people who put zero effort into maintaining a relationship and then get upset when the other person gives up on them too. She's made no effort to keep in touch with you or meet your kids. It's not your responsibility to maintain a relationship with her if she cannot/won't reciprocate. She is a stranger to you by her own choices. This is all on her. Kudos to your Aunt for being rational and identifying you as the true victim here. I suspect your Aunt's wife means well too, but it's not your responsibility to make a reconnection at this point (if you even want one). You've already gone above and beyond, the ball is (and has been for a long time) in your sister's court. If she wants a relationship with you, she's going to have to earn it. As for Dad, if he didn't want to hear the ugly truth of his own actions, then he should have minded his own business.
>I will never understand people who put zero effort into maintaining a relationship and then get upset when the other person gives up on them too. I can explain that a little. If someone else is making all the effort, you may not notice. "Oh, this person is in my life, I see them so regularly, they're one of my core people" they think, without being aware of how much effort creating that state takes. When the person making all the effort stops, it's just "oh, we drifted apart, no idea why, it just sort of happened." I've been on both sides of that (and can acknowledge I've been an AH about taking a good friend for granted and only noticing when they'd gone). Humans are great at spotting things they are looking for, but we all have busy lives, and maybe miss some of the important stuff. Like, when meeting up with friends, tracking who organised it. Younger people experience this more - you "just sort of stay in touch" with people when at school, in college, or in workplaces, but when you're in your 20s, suddenly these friendships no longer have common points of connection and take constant effort to maintain. Most common of all - friends through a mutual connection, like school, or members of a family. That unit splits up - the family have a breakdown, or school ends - and one member of that group puts in effort to keep the friendship going. Everybody else, it seems like the friendship just continues naturally. Until that one person putting in the effort stops, and suddenly years go by, nobody has seen each other and maybe don't even realise how long it's been. Younger sister probably never realised how much effort OP was making. She's still the AH after this interaction, though, and OP is NTA all the way.
NTA, Your aunt is right, it was a long time coming. They ghosted you as a teen, and now want to know why you aren't happy for them?
NTA Did A even tell you that she'd had a baby? From your story it sounds like you found out about that by accident via Facebook. I'd have been tempted to respond to her "To congratulate you, I'd need to have been told before now that I'd become an aunt. As nobody thought to tell me, and considering our past history, I figured I was no longer considered family, and you weren't bothered about my thoughts on the matter." What you said to your "dad" was spot on.
She never told me herself but I knew she was pregnant from social media
That tells you everything you need to know then. If she complains in the future, remind her that she didn't even think that you needed to be told, so why would you think that she wanted your congratulations?
Apparently I should’ve commented on her posts and responded to the fb invite to her baby shower etc but we literally hadn’t had a single in person conversation in 8 years and hasn’t text in 5
I’d delete her off Facebook.
Honestly, I still have FB for my family, but I deleted / do not add non-friends in it. If you are a hateful distant relative, you will never be in my friends and feed. Also, if someone becomes an ex-friend because they did something unappropriate, I will unfriend them. Since I no longer need 'em in my life, I no longer need 'em in my FB. I also don't add strangers and coworkers, I see no reason for that.
I’d delete ~~her off~~ Facebook.
If she can't be bothered to even just send birthday greetings once a year for her nieces, then I see no reason why you should put effort into acknowledging her family either. It's one thing to accept that life is busy, and it's easy to find yourself wrapped up in day-to-day minutiae, and not keep in contact as much as you might like, but it's a whole different matter if you can't even make the effort to send a message for special occasions! My sister and I are often too busy to manage to see each other more than a couple of times a year, but I would *never* forget to send birthday and Christmas cards to my nieces! (I would send gifts too, but as their grandparents already spoil them with gifts, my sister and I made an arrangement for me to save money for them instead of giving them even more junk they'll probably never play with!) My partner and his brother are *terrible* at keeping in touch with each other, but again, we always make sure his nephews get their birthday cards and Christmas gifts. Maybe becoming a mother will teach A how hurtful it is when folk who are supposed to be family ignore your kids.
Why are you even still friends on facebook
Your father has never met your children???
Nope, I didn’t see him again after they kicked me out, I saw A at other family members’ houses or going on sister days out to keep up our relationship until she was around 16/17 and she wasn’t into it anymore
And he dares to pull the "But family..." card???
I told him he will always be a dad to me as that’s all I’ve ever known, but I am not his daughter because he doesn’t know the first thing about me.
>I saw A at other family members’ houses or going on sister days out to keep up our relationship until she was around 16/17 and she wasn’t into it anymore Is it possible that someone lied to her about you or otherwise manipulated her?
Not where she’d be young enough to believe it, we were super close until I gave birth to my oldest, then she started avoiding me but would be happy to meet up without the baby but I was a new mum and couldn’t leave me baby anywhere, she then didn’t come to my wedding because she was on a girls trip that weekend. We had many arguments towards the end and she said she couldn’t deal with being in my kids lives and too much was expected of her and I kept nagging her (because I’d be mad at her for keeping us up past the babies bedtime in the hope she’d come for their birthday when she said she would) and I said if we’re too much work we better take a break from each other because I can deal with you letting me down but I won’t let you blow my kids off and we didn’t talk again
There is something missing from this story. I don’t know what it is, but you do not have the full story. Whatever is missing may be subtle. Your sister may not believe she is keeping a secret from you. But there is a piece missing from this puzzle.
I do think B has bad mouthed me to her, but she was almost 13 when I got kicked out, she saw what happened with her own eyes and knows the truth of the situation, plus it’s never been a family secret everyone knows what happened and why. She was then 16 when I had my first child, 18 when I got married, and is 24 now. I gave her so many excuses in the early days saying oh she’s just a kid she’ll grow out of it, but she’s an adult now and needs to take responsibility for her own actions imo and that might make me an asshole which is part of the reason I posted here.
Just go NC with all of them. NTA Sorry your family is horrible.
Kind of sounds like she already has, she hadn't spoken to her Dad in 10 years and her sister in 5. I mean they just met recently because of happenstance.
Hm, just because she saw what happened doesn't mean she really *gets* what happened. And I suspect B has done more than bad mouth you to her. There's probably a lot of "You're not really an aunt because she's not really your sister" and a heavy dose of manipulation to get her not to want to risk B doing anything harmful to her. (Like, she kicked out one kid, who's to say she won't kick out another if that person doesn't do what B wants?) And A may have not really realized how much she had been controlled, because it can be very subtle. Until she's confronted with the truth that she's basically ghosted someone she was close to and is not getting the reaction she wants from that person because she chose to listen to her mom rather than make her own decisions. And people in that sort of situation are much more likely to lash out than the accept that they have been the AH. You being honest about her behavior and your dad's attempt to interfere? Totally justified. NTA. Even if there's an infant nearby. The baby's not going to be influenced by it at all. Maybe A will realize she's been the jerk and reach out with a sincere apology, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Keep ignoring them as they have been doing to you. Sounds like you're making a great life for yourself and your kids, and you don't need people like this in that life.
>Hm, just because she saw what happened doesn't mean she really gets what happened. And I suspect B has done more than bad mouth you to her. […] And A may have not really realized how much she had been controlled, because it can be very subtle. This is what I was trying to say. And OP’s resistance to the idea is interesting as a possible example of the same thing.
>that might make me an asshole Nope
INFO: if A was almost 13 when you got kicked out, and was born when you were 4, doesn't that mean you were 17 or so when you were kicked out? That doesn't really sound like "mid-teen" to me.
He doesn't deserve the title of 'dad ' op call him deadbeat or another word that is the right one. Fathers don't make their minor children leave their house
NTA. Your sister seems to think she's entitled to familial affection when she's not given you that in years. Your aunt was very correct about this being overdue.
I agree with your aunt. NTA > her wife thinks I could've used this as an opportunity to reconnect Why in the hell would you want to do that? What one thing has your sister, father or his wife done that you want to reconnect and have these people in your life?
I think my aunts wife sees her wife in pain over the situation w her brother, and thinks if we all made up her wife would feel better. Unfortunately my aunt holds a lot of guilt over what her brother did and I think her wife just wants to see the family be whole again for my aunts sake I don’t think it was a direct dig at me just a wishful hope on her part
Your aunt is wonderful. Not her fault that her brother turned out to be an asshole with a wife that's also an asshole. If your aunt's wife wants to talk to anyone she should be talking to her brother in law and his horrible wife about what they did.
INFO: Why were they at your aunt's house? Did she keep in touch with your father (her brother) all these years? Honestly, it must have been such a shock to you to have them pounce on you out of nowhere screaming at you about YOUR behavior, which is the height of hypocrisy. You haven't had anything to do with any of these people for years because they wanted it that way. The nerve of them. NTA.
Yes so my family pretty much all kept in touch with each other to keep the peace, my aunts never mentioned me to them (my aunt said they didn’t deserve to know how well I was doing) and if I was brought up they’d change the subject. The year after they kicked me out the whole family was broken taking sides and I just asked for everyone to get along (I was 17) and I’d just avoid them and they’d avoid me and everyone else just go back to how it was before as I didn’t want to be the reason my family was broken. My aunt’s relationship with her brother was never the same but we the type of family to have monthly bbqs and attend every bday and it broke my heart to see that change, so if I knew they were going I’d see my family the day before/after and the fam would take turns, I’d be invited to one event, they’d be invited to the next, if I couldn’t make something they were invited and vice versa. However since I’d had kids we tend to be invited to more things than they are as my kids are similar ages to my smaller cousins, but they were at my aunts house to introduce them to the baby I just didn’t let my aunts know I was coming as we have the type of relationship where we just pop in and out and because I hadn’t seen them in so long I didn’t recognise the cars outside the house
Hi OP, first of all, you did nothing wrong here because you stood up for yourself. Obviously it will bother you because it's still fresh. The audacity of some people will never cease to amaze me. If you're comfortable sharing, what happened with you and your dad for him to kick you out? Of course I get that B was the mastermind. A lot of men push their kids away for the new woman but he clearly didn't do that with A. Has he ever wanted to reach out to apologise? I cannot fathom taking care of a child and just dropping them.
My entire childhood was B just making it out like I was a bad kid, if I cried over my mom I wasn’t being grateful to B for taking care of us, any minor kid thing I did like being 5 mins late home or talking back I was extremely punished for it and had all my luxuries like tv/phone/friends taken away. Eventually when I got to about 15 I stopped caring about what they could take away from me, I didn’t get excited for Xmas or birthday presents because they were just things that could be used to punish me and I think it scared B to see she couldn’t control me that way anymore. The final argument was B had taken my makeup away as punishment for only getting a B- in math, and I had a huge zit on my nose so I went and got my makeup back to cover it for school and B blew up about me invading her privacy etc and told my dad that she couldn’t handle me anymore and either I left or she did and my dad told me to leave and I went to my aunts house
Wow OP it seems like you had such a hard and sad childhood. Your mum passed then you had to live with a non bio parent who didn't to anything to continue that father daughter relationship. I cannot believe your dad would allow all of that to happen and take B's word for the 100% truth. Did he ever try to talk to you or you to him about B's behaviour? I am so sorry you had to go through this and I hope you got all the therapy you need to be able to live a healthy life after all of that. I'm sure you'll make sure your own kids never be treated like. The audacity of those people to try to speak to you after 10 years. Your father is really lucky your aunt is still on speaking terms with him because I wouldn't be able to speak with my brother for allowing his wife to treat you like that and for choosing his child he helped raised over a woman. It just disgusts me and I am pissed on reading your account. No child should go through this pain.
He used to and then B had a still born (heartbreaking but I think it added to her resentment) and my father felt guilty so tried to make her happy anyway possible
Ohh! That explains her behaviour a tad bit but why wasn't she that way with A? Your dad sucks more now in my mind. He should have protected you and he did not. Thank goodness you have a loving aunt that treated you well. I hope your dad feels guilty and it wrecks him after that visit. What happened to your maternal side of the family? Are you in contact with them? Or your bio dad's family? Protect yourself and your kids. Protect your circle and do not let those evil people into your mind and space. Explain to your aunt's wife your stance and make sure she understands that those people are strangers to you and you do not intend to have any contact with them. And if you ever happen to run into them again, (chances you will because now your sister has a baby so your cousin would invite her to stuff) just ignore them and be your calm happy self. Additionally, maybe try to call before going to your aunt's or maybe send a quick message to save yourself from seeing those people.
>but why wasn't she that way with A? OP mentioned this in her post, OP isn't her Dad's bio daughter (he's her step-Dad) and that's why she didn't like her at all. A at least is OP's step-Dad's bio daughter.
> I didn’t want to be the reason my family was broken. You weren't the reason. Your dad's and the stepmonster's shitty behavior did. Please don't focus on yourself as the fault here, it's not your fault.
NTA your aunt's wife is wrong; if A can't see the problem with her behavior and insists on being hypocritical, she's not nearly mature enough to be able to have a relationship with you and the kids. Communication is a 2 way street; if she wanted to rekindle the relationship, she should've reached out closer to her FB announcement about her baby.
Absolutely NTA
NTA - they deserved everything.
Inside with your aunt. NTA, and it sounds like it needed to be said. A and your dad seem delusional and extremely self involved.
NTA, they both deserved that yelling, and I think you needed it too for you own closure. Babies wake from door closing sometimes so don’t worry about that
NTA. Fuckkkk them.
NTA? a your sister made her own choices as did your dad.. your sisters mum got what she wanted and your dad allowed it.. They all made their own bed, tough if it’s hard to sleep in.
NTA. Reconnect? There were no invitations to reconnect. It's one thing for A to ignore you and your baby, but I didn't realize your dad forgot you existed too? Screaming in front of an infant is not that big of a problem in the context of this situation. Why is your aunt making excuses for A - there's no indication A wants a relationship with you or your kids. Your dad said family is supposed to be there for each other? That's a bizarre comment from someone who doesn't know his grandchildren!
NTA Sounds like they wanted to play happy families in front of others, and are only upset because you didn't play along, and instead called them out
Why is it your job to reconnect? You tried repeatedly and got shut out. The ball is in their court.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Long story so my apologies. Basically my mother met my step father and he took me on as his own, they then went on to have my sister (A) a year later. My mum died and my step dad kept me as his daughter and then remarried (B) when my sister was 2. B hated me as I wasn't my dads and look a lot like my mom and eventually talked my dad into kicking me out the house in my mid teens and I went to live w my dads sister and her wife before I went off to college. 10 years later I'm married and have two children, When I was pregnant with my first A was super excited to be an auntie and came to my baby shower and everything, however once my daughter was born she never visited, I offered to go to her, meet her halfway, go do something like coffee date or beach day or something but she was always busy. Same thing happened with my second daughter, A was a no show. We'd message all the time but when I invited her for birthdays or weekends she'd say she was coming then just not show up. Fast forward my children are 8 and 9 years old and have never met their aunt, they don't actually know anything about her, no how are you texts for about 5 years now as I stopped reaching out because she just kept blowing us off. My sister had her baby 4 months ago which I found out via Facebook. I didn't message her because I thought she didn't want anything to do with my kids why should I bother with hers? I borrowed something from my dads sister and went to drop it off the other day while the kids were at school. My dad, A and B were there with A's baby. I tried to just leave but A cornered me about not congratulating her about the baby or asking how she was doing, and I said why would I you didn't do it for my kids? She blew up at me calling me selfish, I yelled back I don't make a habit of asking after strangers babies and that's what she was to me. My dad said that we were sisters and family is supposed to be there for each other. I'm ashamed to admit I did lose my temper with him and call him a cold hearted bastard and who was he to talk to me about family wearing his no.1 grandpa shirt when he had grandchildren he had never acknowledged?. Where I am probably the asshole is this all happened in my aunts' house and in front of A's baby who was sleeping at the time but still it's not ideal to be screaming in front of an infant. My aunt thinks I was in the right and it was a long time coming but her wife thinks I could've used this as an opportunity to reconnect as maybe now A is mature enough to be able to have a relationship with me and my kids. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta, it would have only been more of them hurting you or attempting to.
NTA They decided they were pure as the driven snow and the found out they weren't and that you wouldn't pretend otherwise.
NTA. They did not treat you as family, so they dont deserve to be treated as family either. Just go LC or NC with them and save yourself the unnecessary drama
NTA! NTA! You did nothing wrong but called them out. It was long overdue!
NTA " but her wife thinks I could've used this as an opportunity to reconnect as maybe now A is mature enough to be able to have a relationship with me " .**. they just want a free babysitter.**
NTA. I cannot imagine how hurt you were. Good on you for looking out for family even in your pain and kudos to your aunt for her strength of character. Is this correct: You absented yourself from family gatherings to save the peace. Your aunt was disgusted in her brother but mediated between family by alternating who was invited to different events. Since having children, you are invited to more family events. I think we see why your dad suddenly wants to play happy families. A’s children might not be invited to all the fun stuff if you don’t suddenly forgive and forget.
NTA Your step-dad who kicked you out of your only home because his new wife told him to does not get to lecture you about family. Your half-sister who hasn't once met your children despite numerous invitations doesn't get to demand you fawn over her baby now. Yelling happens when people are caught by surprise and are hurt and upset. Sorry your family is like this but at least your aunt is a good person.
NTA
NTA I can’t get past the audacity of your dad tbh. Was he literally wearing a shirt that said #1 Grandpa? And then spouts that bs after he kicked you out as a teen and hasn’t reached out in 10 freaking years?!? Good on you for putting him and your step sister in their place. This was a long time coming and I have a feeling you would have had a lot more to get off your chest if there wasn’t an infant around. Under any dictionary meaning of the word family it does not describe what your dad would call family. You have your own family now with your husband and children. Stay away from their toxic bs and be happy. You deserve to be happy.
NTA A is spoiled. She thinks world revolves around her. My SIL is like that. She is 33 now and still thinks that she is number one everywhere she goes, that her opinion is the good one, that she can tell anyone what she thinks, people must accept and keep silent. The difference is she is childfree and can’t stand children. Maybe A wasn’t comfortable and maybe a little jealous of you having children. Not a reason to not ask about them (like my SIL), she could also send gifts, etc… And the guilt trip with everybody coming while you were even not informed of her pregnancy, you learned by Facebook she had a child, and your mother’s husband who comes to ask you to be an aunt when he kicked you out… who could keep calm on that situation ? Nobody can reproach you how you talked to them. Your children lost all those years with « family » but you must reconnect ? You’ve been drop out of this family and now, you have your own one. Cherish them and go NC with those people who just want gifts or recognition. They weren’t there for you, you don’t need them, end of the guilt trip for you. Live your life happily, that will be your best revenge on them !
Nta. Your (step) aunt rocks though. She and her wife took you in and she has your back. Blood doesn’t mean as much as love.
NTA
Fuck those people.
Reconnect? With who? People who never made an effort for you? Treated you like you are heavy baggage? I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry your father wasn’t man enough to stand by your side when it’s obvious the truth is on your side. I’m sorry people around you don’t show enough care and love for you to know that you matter to them. I’m happy your aunt was in your side. I’m happy you have a family now, and two wonderful children who love you, and who you can love and protect, as you know you would have liked it to happen for you. NTA. Just live your life and be happy. That what I imagine your mother would have wanted for you.
NTA
NTA - They are relatives, not family. Just because your wife has a good connection with her family doesn't mean you have to. You're right, no need to reconnect with people who don't care about you. Keep on staying away from them. Your wife is wrong.
NTA. Since you were the mature one (reached out and tried to maintain a relationship) and she refused to, a sign of maturity would be her reaching out to you, rather than turning on you when you did nothing wrong. Baby will be to young to remember this, and A needs to grow up.
NTA.
NTA why would you WANT to reconnect with these people? Relationships are a two way street there is no reason for you to make an effort when others won't make one back. Also I'm glad you rightfully blame your dad to kicking you out. No parent who is a good person could ever be "talked into" throwing out their kid. They made that choice all on their own.
Nta it's hard being the "better" person when the real A H is calling you out for behavior less bad than theirs.
nonononono relationships are not oneway. your dad his wife and their daughter are clear AH. NTA
They are the ones who made no contact. I would just accept that they are strangers and move on. They are not blood family and have been distant for almost a decade.
>maybe now A is mature enough to be able to have a relationship with I mean, **CLEARLY** not
>I'm ashamed to admit I did lose my temper with him Don't be
NTA
> her wife thinks I could've used this as an opportunity to reconnect as maybe now A is mature enough to be able to have a relationship with me and my kids Then why isn't A apologizing and offering to make up for ghosting you for years? What is A doing to prove she's mature enough for a relationship? Did your aunt know you were going over? If so this may have been an intentional set up on the wife's part.
NTA. They made their stance clear on how they viewed you as family. They don't get to flip the script now.
NTA. From your writing, it seems too painful still to have reconciliation. While some people change, most do not and it does not seem From your description that there is much more than blame for you on their mind at the moment. Cut your losses and focus on your kiddies.
NTA There’s no reconnecting. There was no connection in the first place. I’m sorry about your mom dying. Your father really dropped the ball with you from then on. Find and create your own heart family because you deserve to be treated better than this.
NTA. Your aunt's wife should butt out. Shoulda woulda coulda. We can all be more mature in situations but when you're being ambushed by people who want to warp history to make you look like a bad guy, I'd yell. To hell with the baby. You're not an ahole, they picked the battle ground.
She doesn’t want a relationship, she wants another free babysitter. You don’t have to have anything to do with other people’s kids for any reason, but this family are particularly hypocritical given their treatment of you.
NTA. They don't care about you or your kids, they just want fanfare for A's kid.
NTA. Your aunt's wife is absolutely wrong. Why would you want to reconnect with someone who kicked you out and never tried to make amends. I'm sorry your dad and sister failed you.
NTA
NTA
I’m sorry but anyone siding with your dad after what he did, can’t be called family. More and more children are growing up lost and confused. You didn’t break the family, your father did. Your father deserved to hear the truth. He’s a heartless coward. I don’t know what’s wrong with your sister, she’s showed how nasty she can be. And how come she wasn’t mad at your dad for what he did to you ? NTA
NTA You were deeply hurt by your step Dad and sister. I am so sorry.
You did not pick the fight. They did. NTA.
NTA. Reconnection comes after acknowledgment and apologizing for the wrongs done. I see none of that here. If they want a relationship with you now after abandoning and neglecting you then it’s in them to rebuild that relationship.
NTA. Screw reconnecting with entitled brats.
NTA. Where was B when the poop hit the fan. B was part of the blame for you leaving the family. Your aunt is wonderful, she's a keeper.
NTA No offense but your aunts wife is either extremely biased or daft as all fuck. This wasn’t about wanting a relationship with you, and she clearly isn’t mature enough to be in your or your kids lives if that’s how she chooses to great you after roughly 9 years of being MIA. This is about feeling like she’s owed something; and honestly even if she was mature enough now to want to be in their lives that doesn’t mean she’s owed that opportunity or that you should allow that. You’re also absolutely right that she doesn’t deserve any more than she gave you in the last 9 years. Frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t all coming from a place of being miffed that she didn’t get to use you as a resource to make her life easier. I.e. baby sitting, buying her and/or giving her left over items for the child, or simply overwhelming her with ass kissing comments about how she’s such an amazing creation of god for creating a child. What’s sad is that if she even bothered to be maybe 10-15% more involved than she was you’d probably be willing; but she made it clear time and time and time again that she had absolutely no intent to be apart of your or your kids lives. Your kids are a few years removed from being teenagers and have not once met her in person. They couldn’t pick her out of a police lineup if their were bribed, and that speaks volumes. As far as your dad he deserved every bit of what you gave and more. She did too, they both deserved it; your aunts right that it was a long time coming. Where I’m stumped is why you’re still in your dads life in any capacity; or was this really just a rare accident where you didn’t know they were there and just ran into each other without knowing the other would be there? and if that’s the case why didn’t your aunt warn you? considering how they basically instantly went at you are you sure that your aunt if not atleast her girlfriend purposefully chose not to share that information as a means to facilitate this meeting? maybe I’m reading too much into that part specifically, it’s just worth thinking about depending on the circumstances leading to you showing up that day. Either way I’d make it extremely clear that you have absolutely no intent of being anywhere near either of them, and not only is that not up for discussion but attempts to change your mind will only cause you to distance yourself as a means to prevent being blindsided yet again. I’d also go ahead and block A and your dad. At minimum A, but if it were me it would definitely be both. You’ve worked hard to build a life of your own, a life they have no part of. Focus on your immediate family and the life you created, leave those people in the past.
NTA - “opportunity to reconnect.” Ah no, an opportunity implies positivity. There’s nothing to positive to gain from engaging with these people.
I don’t think you are the arsehole in the situation I think Stepfather his new wife, and stepsister are the arseholes in the situation, and even though you were yelling in front of her child that baby is not gonna remember it, your children are old enough now to remember that she is ignoring them and being an arsehole in regard to them, I wouldn’t feel too bad about it
NTA... your dad's sister was right. You finally told them what needed to be said. They may be your family technically, but you are totally justified for not claiming them as relatives. I have plenty of "family" that I don't claim. For me, this means peace and quiet and no drama.
NTA
NTA >A is mature enough She isn't.
NTA. it's a tragic situation, but you don't have to suddenly have a relationship with her when she's been blowing you off all this time.
NTA. Also you're in no obligation to reconnect.
Stepsister know she was wrong or she wouldn't have started screaming at when all you did was a very simple question
NTA Nup. Fuck her. Why would you want to spend time with someone who is never going to have your back? Time is precious. Spend it investing in real relationships.
NTA I'm glad your aunt understands. What horrible hypocrites your dad and A are (and B sitting there, being the source of all this dysfunction!). Aunt's wife is wishful thinking/burdening you if she thinks you need to (what?) so that they could treat you as coldly as they have and still are and then expect you to treat them like family. I started to type out what steps would have to take place for there to be healing and a chance for a healthy relationship and there were (1) too many steps to describe, much less actually go through, (2) too many that depended upon A, B, and your dad owning and atoning for their actions (that you are not obligated to forgive them), and (3) an actual desire on everyone's part to be in each other's lives in a healthy way. It's a pipe dream. Aunt's wife can live through what you lived through and deal with A, B's attitudes/hypocrisy before she tells you that you are the one who could do better.
I don’t think she wants to mend her relationship with you. All she wanted was an applause for giving birth. That’s all she wanted from you. And tbh, these are the people who abandoned you way before you stopped communicating. Letting them back in may reopen old wounds. The biggest love you can show yourself is to Let them go to hell. Live your life happily. You don’t owe them anything. God bless you and your (actual) family.
NTA A has had plenty of time to reconnect, why is the onus of that on you? She didn't care much about your kids or life events, she didn't invite you to get baby shower, she didn't tell you her child was born and if you hadn't happened to show up at your aunt's house when they were there you never would have met that baby. You don't get to ignore people then demand congrats from them. She and your former father laid the ground work for this starting when you were a teen, even he threw you out at the behest of his wife and when she decided to drop you once you had the baby. If she wants to make amends she's welcome to apologize, you owe her nothing at this point.
NTA - A very convoluted situation but you had it bad as your family didn't stick up for you or by your side when you were young . . or even when you had your babies . . . Family are the people who stand by you . . and love you.
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NTA. Sounds like your aunt is a smart lady and is actually acting like family
NTA. Not sure why you're stressing about these people who obviously don't like you and want nothing to do with your family. It's weird your sister expects you to do things for her and her child that she went out of her way to avoid doing for you and your kids **while she is still no contact with you**. Her actions and your dad's actions tell you all you need to know, which is that you aren't their family and haven't been since long before you were kicked out as a teenager. It's baffling that your sister suddenly wants you to acknowledge her child. Perhaps she needs money? Or free babysitting? In any case, tell her she's delusional and go back to being no contact with them. Also, none of this is your aunt's wife's business so just disregard her opinion.
NTA
NTA...tell your aunts wife to mind her business! It's always funny how you're "family" when it's beneficial to the person who treated YOU like crap!
NTA. Family is what you make of it.
NTA - Your aunt was on your side and that says it all.
NTA. Your dad doesn’t get to pull the family card after he kicked you out when you were a teenager. Relationships are reciprocal. They have phones, they could have called you if they wanted to reconnect
Reconnect to what?
NTA sorry your family sucks
NTA do not give in or apologize, they treated you and your kids invisible, you shouldn’t need to tolerate them
You are responsible for your children. If someone does not make an effort to meet them after 8 years then you need to keep them out of the drama of hard feelings. You can't be expected to be more adult than they are. You got a gut punch. The nerve to pretend you are family and expect you to celebrate when they could never find time for you. So sorry you have experienced so much so young.
NTA - Your dad, B, A, none of them wanted a relationship with you. They just want you to be all ga ga over the grandkid they like. Cut all of those cancers out of your life completely. And anyone who insists that you should be the bigger person should go too.
You deserved a better dad and your sister is a hypocrite. I’m glad that you have your aunt
Might seem a bit harsh op, but ESH.
You were correct in what you said, but why do some people feel that they have to scream when they are angry? Screaming automatically puts people on the defensive and they don't really hear what you are saying.
ESH. You and your sister picked the wrong time and wrong place to have this out.
Y'know what gonna go YTA because common courtesy when you meet someone and they have a baby is to say congratulations. You acted as if she didn't exist when you saw her. Life happens, a 16y old is busy in different ways then a mother is. So it's more than normal she wasn't going to be spending her free time hanging with you, where there were many things she wanted to do with the time she had. But seriously... Not even acknowledging a person and their baby when you see them face to face? I can see why she stopped engaging with you initially.
That's usually when you have a neutral, solid relationship with them. OP's sister made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with her. What you said was unfair and cruel.
Did she explain why she never bothered reaching out to you or asking about your kids?
You lost me at long story
Super light YTA. Rule 0 in my house for the first year of both kids lives was YOU DO NOT WAKE THE BABY. No matter how well deserved it was, you should have done it at a lower volume. That said, this was a long time coming, they have no legs to stand on, and seriously? You found out through Facebook about that kid. That's next to no relationship level of close.
Good thing it wasn’t in your house. Or the sisters house. Or even the dad’s house. It was in the aunts house and she was fine with it. There is also nothing here that suggests the kid woke up. All that said, waking a baby up because its mother is coming at you isn’t an asshole move.