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NTA he needs to learn to defend his wife and kids. his side are acting like AHs and he should not even listen to them. it’s none of their business. and you’re right that even a paternity test isn’t enough to stop drama stirrers.
He’s told them before that he doesn’t want them talking about this, but this is just how they act and he doesn’t like it when I bring up that they are assholes. When I brought that up tonight, he said that they are family.
Family don’t have a right to know every single thing and break boundaries. If you get the paternity test maybe he should’nt even share the results with them. So they learn to keep their nose out.
Either that or be spiteful and vlast the results on Facebook as well as an explanation of why. Jut put their business in the street about how theirnpast cheating is messing with their son's relationship.
Yes I know this is lot. lol
Every time he comes home from a military excursion, ask how he'd feel getting an STI test before any relations. Not like there is any test to ever prove he has been cheating UNLESS he is unsafe and gets an infection.
This! So much cheating goes on in the military. And tell him you aren't suspicious, but your parents are, and it would shut them up if they could see the results.
An AH family. That are projecting hard (him included).
Does he really want to lose the family he's building for them? Perhaps he should think more about it.
(Sorry, not helpful I guess, but I'm seething about what they subject you to).
He is shitty at defending you and your (both of you) family.
My sister and I did not look alike at all. We also didn’t really look like either of our parents. I had blond curly hair and blue eyes growing up and my sister had blond straight hair and green eyes. My parents had black hair and brown eyes and brown hair and green eyes.
So yes, we got asked a lot if we were siblings (by people who did not really know us, not by family members). But that is the trick of DNA. Somewhere in the mix can be a certain string of DNA that brings out specific things in someone’s looks or personality. As an adult I look a bit more like my family from dad’s side. One of the daughters of his nephew looks a lot like me. Which is funny because my dad’s nephew is a copy of my dad. And my curls and blue eyes are from my mom’s side (aunt has curls but different ones and grandfather, aunt and a few niblings have blue eyes). My sister kind of is a blond version of my mom, now that we are all adults.
There is a story of an Irish (I believe) family with twin girls. One is beautifully pale and has red hair. The other has more of a beautiful darker skin and brown curls. They both share some DNA (and the womb) but their DNA has such a different outcome.
DNA isn’t taking it from two person’s and then creating a perfect mix of both parents. The DNA comes from a long line of ancestors and it creates a mix of genetics from those ancestors. Like the red hair of your child OP. Both parents need to have that certain gene to create a child with red hair. Sometimes you see brown haired men with a red beard. Most likely they have a part of the red hair gene but because they only got it from one of their parents they are not fully red haired. But if both of the parents have that gene then the child inherits two.
My sister and I looked nothing alike as kids. As seniors we looked enough alike that sales clerks mistook each other for the other. I’d see my reflection in a store window and think it was my sister.
"That's just how they act" is his excuse for not standing up to you. He picked his family.over you. When he asked for a paternity test, he all but accused you of cheating. You have a right to be angry, NTA. Consider that they, and he, will never change.
His family are AH's. I'd encourage him to get the paternity test in case this has been eating away at him, but I'm not sure I'd forgive this. At least a paternity test would stop damage to his relationship with his daughter even if it wrecks your relationship with him. I'm sorry you are bringing another child into this godawful mess.
I think it's important to consider that **he himself knows firsthand** how awful and painful it is to be a child doubting your parentage and suspecting you're illegitimate.
So he knows that his family is a bit assholish in this sense, he's asked them to knock it off but they won't, and your daughter is soon old enough to start understanding what the jokes insinuate, and will experience the same pain and trauma he went through. This alarms him.
So the choices are
**a)** cut off his side of the family from the daughter's life over some improper jokes, which he refuses to do
**b)** try to reassure the daughter that they're just joking and that she should just trust mum like dad does, which won't remove the doubts completely, and leaves a possibility for that same pain and trauma
**c)** get the test done so you can *prove* to your daughter with evidence that she's his, which will annihilate all doubts immediately and reassure her 100%, eliminating possibility for trauma
C) is the easiest and least harmful and dramatic way imo. My guess is that your husband is thinking about how much *he* would have loved to have such proof back when he himself was doubting if he's illegitimate.
If you don't want to mention to the in-laws you had the test done because that's private and they'd "joke" about it, that's ok, but it could be good to have it at hand for when the discussion with your daughter comes.
I understand it can feel hurtful, but imo *protecting your daughter from trauma should take precedence* here, especially since it's not about him distrusting you, but wanting to reassure your child and protect her from the pain he felt. His own trauma is probably really influencing him here.
I know Reddit is very quick to recommend cutting people off and severing relationships over almost any conflict, but it's an extreme measure, and a child benefits from having extended family in their life, if they're otherwise ok aside from the ribbing. Your husband doesn't want to cut them off because they're family, besides.
I honestly believe he's thinking about your daughter's feelings here, rather than doubting you. As for all the redditors suggesting you should divorce him for trying to both shield your daughter from trauma and keep his family in your lives, that's over the top extreme - and will also hurt your daughter, if he's a good and loving father.
Are you not family? Is your daughter not family? Where the fuck are his priorities? Who is he looking out for? This "man" is a cluster fuck of contradictions. The fact he pulled the family card in defense of them but not for you makes me wonder why you haven't left his shit ass. He sounds like a good for nothing.
So ... Your husband should be shutting this down with his family. Sounds like you know that. But he won't change. Unless *maybe* something happens involving your kiddo/baby in the future (e.g. they do or say something in front of one or both of them that even your husband thinks crosses a line).
Have you thought about/talked about what happens if/when family says inappropriate things in front of your kids? By the time they're 2-3 years old, they might not fully comprehend what they hear, but they absorb (and often repeat) it. Sounds like the family thinks the "joking" about paternity is fine to do, so they might continue as the kids get older. Hopefully your husband can get on board with firmly telling them to stop if they do it in front of the kids (and having consequences... Like not spending as much/any time with them if they insist on "joking".)
Good luck. NTA. Your husband is, though, for asking for a paternity test and he'll be double the AH if he follows through with it. Either he is lying and really believes his family that he might not be the father, or he can't stand up for his wife to his own shirt family. I sure wouldn't want to have kids with someone like that.
Just an idea: he should say to them, "fine, we will get the paternity test, but when you see that it's my child, you will never ever see me or our children again."
They will either back off or you get rid of them.
And what happens with the next one? A test for that one too? They're just going to keep inventing new tests and new wedges to drive between you. Eventually one of them will stick, because he's allowing them to get into his head.
Either he's got your back, or he doesn't. And here's a tip: if he does that test, he doesn't. Love without trust is just lust in a nice coat.
NTA. This is a major trust issue, of course you are hurt. Also, a kid can have red hair, even if the parents do not, due to recessive genetic traits. His family sucks for making him doubt his paternity.
He absolutely loves our daughter and has always defended her and me as far as paternity which is why it hurts. I honestly don’t know if I’m making a bigger deal out of this then it should be.
His family didn't make him doubt paternity. He doesn't trust her, or else he would have shut his family down and established a boundary. His doubts were already there. They just gave him the confidence to ask her for the test.
Believe me, his family did make him doubt. They planted the seed. His family history plus his profession is screwing with his conscience.
It is easy for outsiders to tell OP that he is the AH for not trusting her implicitly. But that sentiment completely ignores the effects of other people speaking to him and futhering doubts. Sometimes in jest, sometimes maliciously.
Doesn't make any of it easier, but condeming her husband is dismissing a much more complicated situation. Doubts, once sown tend to fester. That is a sad reality.
And don't ignore statistics. Nearly 50% of relationships experience infidelity at one point or another.
All that is not helping him. And in turn he hurt his wife. It's a brutality shitty situation for all of them.
My dad is blonde, my mum has dark brown hair, I am a redhead (dark red, maybe auburn is the right word). I would be so hurt if I found out my dad had questioned his paternity due to my hair colour. Red hair is recessive and not all families with red head kids look like the Weasleys. Most red heads that I know have one or both parents with other hair colours.
I have red hair and no one else in a couple generations had had it on either side of the family. It's recessive and I am very much my dad's kid and my mom would have murdered him if he'd had the audacity to ask for a paternity test.
My parents had dark hair, and had 7 kids: 3 with really red hair, 3 with dark hair, and one who is still blond in her 60s. So there. (And no question that my mom cheated.)
Yep, I have one with red hair. No one in the immediate family has red hair though I think my great granny had auburn hair and my husband has some second cousins with red hair. Recessive genes are fab!
Came here to say this! My best friend came out with red hair and still has it- so does her sister and she has a different dad. No dad's, no mom has red hair. Just the moms great grandma.
I don't think I'd do the paternity test unless it were accompanied by a lie detector test in which your husband answered a variety of questions about whether he's cheated on you in any way since the moment of your engagement, and whether he's touched another person in a sexual or romantic way while deployed. (Or when not deployed...)
Oh, come on, I know he'll be so angry when you suggest it, but after all, it's only to get your parents off your back.
And think of all your psychological issues of doubt and anxiety given that you married a man whose parents cheated; surely he wants to put your mind at ease that he hasn't followed suit.
Not to mention how much the lie detector test will help your daughter!
I'm not kidding. No lie detector, no swab.
NTA
I think actually getting a lie detector test is overkill, but I kinda like the idea of him telling his family you asked him to get one while you get the paternity test.
You keep saying this, but he doesn't actually trust you. If he did, he would defend you and he wouldn't be asking you for this? Plus, he is the one with the family history of cheating. There are plenty of reasons to believe that this is all projection on his part - if you look at this without bias.
"Honey, I love you, but my family told me there is a chance you might be a cheating wh-re. So, you see, my hands are tied. To prove to us all that your are an honest woman, you will do this easy test, and then we'll staple the results to the townhall bulletin board to shut people up. I might even take you out for for sushi to celebrate". I really don't see how a relationship bounces back from something like this. Once the trust is gone, it will never come back. If this happened to me, I would have two thing on my immediate agenda: 1) schedule a visit to the clinic to do the test to put my partner's mind at ease, and 2) -schedule an appointment with a lawyer to initiate the divorce proceeding.
That’s bc you’re 20 and don’t have enough life experience to see this for what it really is.
You need to decide if you should have more kids with this man. DEFINITELY stop after the second one and get a job. Start saving for an exit fund so you can get out.
You need to start thinking about this. He accused you of cheating and having another man's baby under the premise of it being his.
This is DISGUSTING. You're NTA but you're coming across has so naive it's terrifying.
I just want to send you lots of hugs, and congrats on being pregnant, hopefully you manage to keep it stress-free. Also, I spoke too fast: I just realized that you may have to stay away from sushi while pregnant.
This! Provide a copy of the paternity test with divorce papers. Make sure you emphasize the father feeling that the kids are not his to emphasize potential mental illness or emotional abuse - this is not healthy and should be recorded/considered. Make sure you get a paternity test after the second one is born too. And clean him out.
Just to note that if the family treats you this way, they will be just as bad with your children. This whole family sucks.
He says it’s because he wants his family to stop talking about the fact that she has red hair and neither of us have red hair. That’s literally it. They have made many comments saying she looks exactly like him except for the red hair. I know most of them are joking, but it bothers him to bother me, but I know she’s his.
My mother is a blonde. My father had very dark brown hair.
I'm a redhead. For a long time, the only one in either side of my families.
A great grandparent on each side was a redhead, I lucked out on the genetic lottery!
My mother and grandmother both have brown hair. But my grandmother's mother (great-grandmother, I know, just trying to clarify the line there) had red hair, and most of my grandmother's side of the family does too.
I look like I just have brown hair too, until I'm out in full sun. There's a LOT of red in my hair! And I was blonde as anything when I was born. TLDR this husband is a dummy.
This is basically how we, two very boring brunettes, ended up with a kid with flaming auburn hair. Lucky kid! Not one person ever questioned the kid’s paternity though. Because that’s weird.
If you absolutely know she’s his and there’s no chance of her being anyone else’s then don’t get the test done. I feel like getting the test done will give them all reason to believe you slept with someone else. Why get the test if you never did.
That is exactly what I was trying to explain to him. that it doesn’t matter whether we get the test done because if we do, they’re still always going to talk about that.
Honestly that sounds like a no win situation. Can I ask a question? How has this impacted your relationship and intimacy with him? I feel like it would drive a huge wedge between us if it was me. I don’t know how I could get so intimate with a man after all that
And why can't he tell them he wondered about it too, had a paternity test done, and it showed he was the father.
If he trusted you like he says, no need for a real test. A simple white lie to get them off his ass would largely suffice.
NTA, not even by a close margin.
He's that weak he can't stand up to his cheating parents? Has he or they been watching those stupid videos on how men are raising "children not their own"? Does he understand *nothing* about biology? Because he is telling you *he* thinks you've been unfaithful. He and his family are the AH you are NTA.
I'd be serving him divorce papers as well as the DNA test.
You and your husband need to sit down and talk this through. He should have stuck up for you with his family and shut down the adultery jokes and I think you could have listened to him more to understand if this is because he doesn't trust you or if he genuinely believes it's the best way to shut his family up. Maybe have a discussion with hubby and lay down how you're feeling, let him tell you how he is feeling and lay down ground rules for the future of the situation. Such as once the paternity comes back positive, if the family makes any more comments you will cut contact. Hubby can see them but they won't see you or your daughter of that's how little they think of you.
His family is fucking stupid. Red hair is a recessive gene. Basic high school biology. I'm sorry this is happening to you OP...stupid in-laws who project their own insecurities upon you is a lot to deal with.
But you said both your parents came out with red hair that faded...
My niece and nephew both came out with flaming red hair that my brown haired brother and blonde haired SIL don't have, guess what? My brother's bio dad had some red in his hair! Also they are both in their teens now and still have that red hair.
You don't necessarily always get genetics 100% from your parents. It's called heredity and genetics because it is passed down throughout the generations.
Your in-laws just need to stay the heck out of it and your husband needs to stop listening. If they can't just accept it then they don't have to be around it.
What am I missing? If they're saying she looks exactly like him except for the red hair, they're acknowledging that she's his. Seems to me that HE'S the one having doubts about his paternity.
I'd tell him that you're willing to do the paternity test as soon as his parents do a paternity test on him. (After all, they're the ones with a history of infidelity). Additionally, let him know that while you're willing to get the test, you'll be giving him the results along with divorce papers.
I'm sorry, but this level of distrust and disrespect is completely unacceptable in a marriage.
I can tell you now. If he does the test it proves he’s the dad you are going to hold resentment towards him forever for not trusting you more than he needs to prove something to his family that he either deep down knows is true or he doesn’t trust you. This isn’t going to end well. All Reddit stories like this have ended badly that I’ve seen.
I think it’s still very degrading of him to even be willing to supply the family with receipts that you have not had sex with another man to shut them up. He should *tell* them to shut up, or tell them to take a 10th grade level science class to learn about how recessive genes work.
How would your husband react if you asked him to get an STD test for him to show to your family, because they’re trying to convince you he’s swinging D around town and they think he picked something up?
His family just needs to shut up because you all have asked them to. Do you want people like this around your daughter? Do you want her growing up hearing people say her mom cheated on her dad? She’s almost old enough to start understanding what some of this means.
I think people are too quick to cut family out of their lives but I think this is a situation where you start doing just that. Your husband needs to learn to support you.
What else is he going to ask you to do to prove yourself to his nasty family? Why are you and your daughter being forced to jump through degrading hoops for people who cheated in their own marriage? Why should you have to prove anything to them? Why can’t he prove he is a grownup who isn’t going to be bullied by his parents?
Here's the thing though: If the family only believed she might not be his, you could indeed end this discussion with a paternity test. But they also (necessarily, logically, edit: by which I don't mean justifiably) think you may have cheated.
There's an easy way to prove you cheated if your daughter isn't his (or with a condemning photo or text message or whatever). But there is no way, NONE, to prove you DIDN'T cheat. You can't prove your innocence to them.
They will never trust you.
In particular since they're the type of people who do cheat.
Yes. This is not a “let’s put the burden of proof on my wife even though I know there’s no issue” situation. This is a “this is your final warning to never bring it up again or you will be making a swift exit from our lives” type of deal.
Their daughter is 1. It won’t be too long before she is able to understand comments like this and they will seriously mess her up.
You need marriage counseling. Seriously. You got married extremely young and now you are pregnant a second time at age 20. Neither of you has fully separated from your parents yet. His parents’ opinions should have no influence whatsoever. His family sound like bullies. You’re going to need to work really hard on your self-esteem and sense of identity to not get bowled over by them. And being married to someone who sides with his parents over you will cause endless problems. Try to get back in the workforce as soon as you can bc you’re going to need that self-confidence and independence.
Seconding this and I’m glad someone said it. Yes, you’re both adults building a family together, but EXTREMELY young adults, married with one kid and another on the way before either of you can even rent a car without an extra fee? Your sense of self is still developing and will be for years to come, and I commend yall for trying to do that and grow together as it seems you intend to, but you cannot do that in a healthy way for your family if you don’t have an impartial third party like a family therapist that is not preying on both of your insecurities (his about his own paternity, what sounds like your own about what this request might reveal about his trust in you) to sow drama and division to derail that growth.
I’m a redhead. My mom is olive complexion. All of my grandparents have black hair and tans. It’s the creeper gene. I have a friend who’s Italian. His family reunion picture looks like the cast of the Godfather. He’s a redhead. Anywhere there’s a river in Europe you’ll get redheads thanks to the Vikings.
NTA.
He doesn't trust you.
If it was me, I would let him have the test for the sake of the kid. When it came back that it was his child, I would divorce him so fast his head would spin.
The second he asked me for a paternity test, we would be done.
Frankly I can’t imagine feeling any other way than horrible. It’s the ultimate accusation. And I also think somehow it’s says there may be a seed of doubt that’s kept him or his dad from fully embracing your daughter.
But I’d sure feel good putting the results in from of him.
NTA
Are his parents judging you and their son, by their own standards? A lot of dark haired people can have the gene for red hair. Some grow red beards but have dark hair. Both myself and my children’s father has dark hair. My eldest son was born with red hair, which fell out over the next few months, he then had white blonde hair until the age of ten, when it started to darken. He has very dark hair now! The same happened to my next two children! I would ask your husband if he wants the test for his parents or him. If it’s for his parents, I’d worry how easily manipulated he is.
Yes! My brother has light brown hair but in his 20s started growing a beard and it’s red. None of us have any clue where it came from, but there is zero doubt he’s my dad’s. Genetics are weird and OP’s husband needs to grow up and shine his spine.
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This is such a stupid argument. If a man wants a paternity test on a child who's already born and to whom he has ready access, he should just take care of it himself without mentioning it to the mother. Problem solved. He can get his definitive answers, and she never has to know about it.
NTA Do really want to stay in a relationship where you don't have the full trust of your partner? Being in the military he'll leave again. So you will essentially be a single mother anyway. Get the paternity test done so he can't dispute child support. Hand him divorce papers along with test results.
Against the grain, but NAH. You have every right to be super pissed. It would quite likely be a relationship killer for me.
That said, his background is cheating parents- that's what he learned happens. He really needs counseling for this. Tell him to get a referral from his unit's shrinks for someone to talk to to work through this issue or he'll be just another military cliché.
Also tell him if he's such a strong guy to do okay in the military, he ought to have enough of a backbone to tell his parents to STFU and defend the people he REALLY needs to be defending - his immediate family. If he doesn't have the cojones to do that, you have options to be single. And that there's also a reason that he just takes orders, since he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to stand up on his own.
Sincerely, a female vet.
My brother came out with fire red hair. My dad was 1/4 Cherokee but descended from Scotland on his dad father’s side. Mom is pale with slightly reddish hair but mostly brown. My older sister, younger brother all have brown/dark dark auburn hair. Youngest brother and oldest sister have brown eyes like my dad, myself and my other brother have hazel eyes with mine being the lightest of the three. Mom has blue eyes. None of us have blue eyes because brown eyes are the stronger gene. Your guy needs a lesson in genetics.
All this to say your guy is full of crap, HE wants a paternity test and is using his family as the stick that hits you until you submit. I’d have told him he could have his paternity test or he could have me. He can’t have both. She is his child. You are now pregnant a second time in the same relationship (way too young to be pushing for a second kid already, he probably wants to keep you too busy to think about leaving him) and the fact that he is questioning his daughters paternity means he’s doing the same with the baby you are carrying.
I would suggest that you paternity test both children. And also reconsider this relationship. This guy needs therapy to enforce boundaries with his family. You might wish to see if you want to have individual counselling to see if you want to stay in this relationship.
He thinks you cheated, and I'm not sure there's any recovery from that.
NTA
He doesn’t trust you and he allows his family to disrespect you. You don’t know how many other women he’s been sleeping with behind your back.
The whole asking for a paternity test is crazy because he can just get one.
NTA, give him divorce papers along with the test. He isn't defending you against his family, he's not working through any of his childhood issues surrounding his parents, and he has essentially accused you of cheating. The lack of respect will only get worse.
Ask him for an STD test and get one yourself. Use condoms. He could be projecting his own behavior on you. Also—calling YOU manipulative is also projecting—maybe get counseling for yourself too. Don’t have another kid bc he pressures you to. You’ll end up trapped and dependent on a man who doesn’t trust you and won’t s controlling.
If he’s asking for a paternity test then his family are creating more problems than you are aware of at this time. They’re causing trust issues and creating a wedge. This won’t end here if you get a paternity test, this is just the start of issues your in-laws are going to test your marriage with.
The best way to shut this down is for your husband to have your back and stand up to his family. Is he able to do this?
Nta
NTA, what kind of man puts the kind of family that disparage his wife, and this what they are doing even if they claim "It is just a joke", before his own wife and child. He needs to step up and tell them they either stop what they are saying or they will be cut out of his life.
A paternity test isn't for "haha, she has different color hair, let's show them she's ours, it'll be fun", it's "hey, I think you betrayed our marriage vows and I demand proof that this is my child".
I would never agree to that, especially not to shut his family up. If he's hurt by their "jokes", he needs to tell them that their comments are hurtful and they need to knock it off **now** - before daughter is old enough to understand what they're accusing his wife of.
Shame on your husband for being so quick to want to satisfy his family, and dismiss you.
NTA
This is and will stay a touchy subject, but honestly as a man I've done some absurd shit to help my significant others rid themselves of intrusive thoughts through the years. I think a cheek swab, and a 30$ test should be readily accepted if that's all it takes to help him defeat his own intrusive thoughts. Have him tell you not to think about something and see how well that goes. Now imagine that thought is something of this magnitude, and see how well it goes then. The situation sucks, but it is easily remedied by quick lab work.
Red hair colouring is down to a recessive gene and so it could be someone generations back that passed it down. This isn't cool. Sounds like you both need some therapy and a way to learn some conflict resolution skills that allow you to communicat without throwing mud.
I would put mt husband out with the thrash if he ever asked for a DNA test tbh. Luck has it, he never has to as our daughter looks like a carbon copy of him.
NTA
I know 1st hand that his family's doubts and portraying you as a cheater are hurtful, but if allowing ir agreeing for the test knowing youre innocent and your husband is the father will only be reinforced with the positive results.
When my children's father asked for one, I actually laughed at him and told him to go ahead, as I had nothing to hide, but he would have to pay for it.
His family and friends had been on at him since our 1st child was born, and whispering in his ear that I had cheated.
I looked at as 2 fingers up at my children's father's family and friend, who became might quiet when irrefutable evidence was produced.
They had no proof, mind you, bacause there wasn't any, because I was innocent and have NEVER cheated in any relationship.
But he did!
I would give him the test. When the results come in, I would host a dinner party. And I would pass out copies of the results and also a bill for the test to the family members that started this drama. Then tell them to F off and tell your husband to man up and quit listening to his family members.
Then you two go to marriage counseling.
NTA
Me, personally I’d do the test, but I’d also leave him. Clearly your husband’s family doesn’t understand genetics, and he trusts his family over you. You can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust you, and he values his family over the one he started with you. Sorry OP.
"Okay, we will get a paternity test. But when it comes back that your are the father I want you to reduce / no contact your family as they are trying to break us up just because your parents cheated on eachother"
I say that and then silently panic because I have boys and might have questioned the same thing, especially if she got pregnant potentially whist he was away 😅
I'm not going to lie, if my partner asked for a paternity test I would gladly give him one along with separation papers. I don't give a flying hoot what anyone else says or jokes. The only thing that should matter is the trust between us, and if there is no trust, there is no us.
The only time I would say that a request for paternity test is fair is if the mother has been caught cheating at any stage of the relationship.
I’d get the tests done. Then sit his parents down and tell them that due to their own shitty cheating behaviour, we had these tests done that prove we aren’t shitty cheating assholes like the two of you and therefore we do not want to hear anything else again about our children’s paternity nor our marriage out of either of your shit filled mouths.
I’m petty like that.
NTA
Ah, young military marriage.
I had a kid at 18, luckily my (now ex) husband wasn't in the military because that would have had a whole other layer. So, believe me when I say I don't mean to dog on you, or call you out for having kids young, be ause I've been there, done that, I'm in my 40's now and divorced after 18 years of marriage. I also have many family member and friends connected to the military.
You two are young, very young. You both need some counseling both individual and couples. This is a long road to travel together and if it's already bumpy with 1 kid and another on the way it's just going to get bumpier.
My guess is neither of you lived alone before you got married and BHA is a good raise for a new military guy, let alone adding some dependents.
Your husband was wrong for asking for a paternity test. I'm guessing he thought, or has been persuaded by his family and military buddies that you cheated. I am the type of person who would get it as a 'fuck you' not necessarily walk away but out him on notice that this shit is unacceptable.
You really need some outside support, not family, a non connected person like a counselor to help you will feelings or this is going to become an unholy nightmare
Hi yes I lived alone(well, with a roommate) before we lived together and we’ve known each other since middle school. This is legitimately the only large issue we have had. He gets out in literally a month lol
If it were really to shut his family up, it’s none of their business and he would have told them so as an end to the whole conversation. The fact that he asked you to do it means he doesn’t trust you. So whether you get it done or not, your marriage is in trouble. NTA
NTA. OP's in-laws are the AH. Her husband's problem is that he is dealing with family being shitty, and he doesn't have the tools to cope. OP is dealing with the same behaviour from the in-laws, while also managing her husband, and the kid, and another coming - wow.
OP: explain (over again, I suspect) that the problem is his family overstepping and being rude. HE needs to shut that down for your daughter's sake. She doesn't need to grow-up hearing about this. Everyone agrees there is a family resemblance: they are bullying for the sake of control. He needs to understand and confront this. It can't be a topic of conversation in the future.
I know a military family, for years, the wife promised her faithfulness despite looking unlike the other children. Husband did a dna test after a decade. The child was not his.
If a simple test gives him peace of mind, given that he is often away, what’s the issue? I understand that you want trust, but unfortunately he may be surrounded by cases like the one I reported.
Info - yeah I mean you dont just get these tests for fun. There are obviously trust issues. So surface level, him bringing this up does seem like an AH thing to do
But if he doesnt trust you - how are we to know if that’s baseless or not?
NTA but i do think calmly asking him how he thinks his daughter will feel later in life when she finds out he felt the need to do this because you can be sure as shit his family will forever be mentioning it.
The family living in his four walls are the only ones that matter.
NTA.
So... There IS a genetic reason why your daughter has red hair. It's because your own mother has it.
Sure, I can understand to a point why he wants it. And in the end it is just a test.
But but insinuates infidelity on your parts which is very insulting no matter how one puts it.
Especially if it has never happened.
NTA He needed to shut his family down and if he doesn't your relationship is doomed as it won't end...and getting the test isn't the end, it the beginning of the end as you will always be resentful. What an awful situation, I'm really sorry you have been put in this position.
NTA!!!
Sounds like he is projecting some of his own childhood stuff onto you.
My husband (then BF) would say shit like that to me while I was pregnant, and it got worse after he to his family (they never liked me) about our baby. They kept telling him that she wasn’t his. One day he mentioned wanting to do a DNA test. Admittedly, I was extremely insulted. I honestly believe had he done one I would have walked away from the relationship. Call me dramatic, but that just goes to
Show that you do not trust me. If you don’t trust me, then why are you with me? You know?
Well, fast forward to the night she’s born. He was profusely apologizing. Not only did she look like him… I started questioning my own parentage because she looked NOTHING like me at all 😂
She has my eye color, that’s it. But hey, our second baby looks just like me so that’s nice!
Anyways, your husband needs to start defending you. Also congrats!
Not to mention, your husband is violently stupid. He said something knowing it would hurt you over something he didn't even believe you did. He hurt you to benefit himself. Don't have anymore children. He's not grown enough to have one, let alone 2.
NAH. I'm of the thought that at every birth there should be mandatory paternity tests especially when you consider upwards of 30% of tests done disprove paternity. If it is made mandatory the whole you don't trust me excuse goes out the window. Paternity fraud is real and you don't want to be required to pay for someone else's kid.
The courts have been clear about this with rulings handed down like "Even if you are not the biological father someone still has to pay for the child." Get the test!
>angry at him for wanting to help our daughter
What help is any of this to your daughter, who is oblivious to the insensitive and disrespectful things her paternal family is saying about her heritage?
Look, he seems to have some traumas regarding cheating. Added to the fact that he is in a work environment known for spouse infidelity (military) and the constant pressure his family gives him, I'm pretty sure it's normal for him to be a little bit lost. If you want to help him achieve mental tranquility, there is no harm in doing the paternity test. Of course, you'll need to put some boundaries like he needs to accept the result, shut his family down if they continue with their comments and if he still has some trouble believing you, he'll need to start consulting a psychologist. Don't dismiss his feelings, he might not do that on purpose. NTA
You guys should ALL take an Ancestry test and connect with your third cousins because you need a new family support system. You will find out interesting things about your great-great-grandparents and make new friends along the way :)
If it were me I would agree to paternity tests on the condition that he cut off contact with his family completely for 9 months (symbolic period of time) for each test.
As a way of warning the family that any more sabotage by them of your marriage will escalate to completely cutting them off forever.
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My(20F) husband(21F) randomly asked for paternity test for our daughter(1F)
Father’s Day started off with me telling my husband that I was pregnant again (he had been asking for another kid basically since the first one was born, lol)
Today ended up being stressful, but we were ending the night on a good note I thought.
Right before we got into bed, my husband said that a few things his family members had said over the phone when we told him we were pregnant again and bothered him.(they made jokes about him being in the field for a month since he’s in the military and that the baby might not be his) we are used to stuff like this since our first child came out with red hair and neither him nor I have red hair which is the main issue of this fight.
He said “ I’m gonna say something that’s going to make you angry” and proceeded to say that we should get a paternity test for our daughter. His defense for this was that it would make his family shut up about it. I did get angry and told him that this was ridiculous that even if we got a paternity test, they would still be talking about how he obviously didn’t trust me and then our daughter, which is here about her paternity caused issues and was questioned.
Long story short, we got very loud with each other and ended up mentioning things about our parents(one of his defenses was that his parents cheated on each other and he thought for a while he might not be his dads) he said that I was just being angry at him for wanting to help our daughter that it had nothing to do with him trusting me and that now he just looks like an asshole. I ended up telling him to just get the fu$king test done and he said fine and stormed out. He said something about me being manipulative and now I’m under the covers writing this and just feeling really hurt. AITA yelling?
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He doesn’t trust you. The test is from him, don’t mind him about it being for his family. Also….get you a man that’ll defend you and his family and wouldn’t take people talking about his wife. They’re more attractive.
I’m going to start by saying that a woman never has to worry about knowing that she’s the bio mom. Fathers since the dawn of time have always had that niggling doubt. So if they hear enough people joking, or otherwise, question the baby’s paternity, then those niggles turn to true doubts. I know it sucks to be questioned about your fidelity, but if you can afford it and it shuts everyone else tfu, go for it. NTA for yelling, I get it. But putting on the brakes hard makes you appear to be hiding something.
NTA. Sounds like projecting or being a coward toward his own family. He needs to get his shit together before that baby comes, and you need to decide if you can continue a relationship where your partner does not defend you to his family and/or does not trust you...
NAH.
He clearly has issues regarding that which have been brought on by his parents, just do the test and say he needs to go to therapy for his trust issues so he can learn to not let his parents intrusive thoughts become his, hopefully that will shut him up about it in the future too. You aren’t wrong for being annoyed by it but not every partner is perfect you can use this experience to learn and grow stronger together rather than stay annoyed at each other and both end up single. Or you could just stay annoyed by it and break up both is fine. If you suspect he is projecting then say okay I’ll do the test and let me see your phone kinda thing, sounds like trust needs to be remade again it happens.
NTA
Real “red hair” like a ginger required each parent to have the gene. My son is a ginger and each of us had great grandparents with ginger. No one in immediate family or cousins. Two siblings didn’t get it. It’s carried by a different gene than the regular hair color gene. I saw the results in my son’s 23 and me results. Interesting stuff!
It’s a shame your husbands family didn’t just look it up and that they have his ear. You guys are young parents and imagine that perhaps they still have a lot of influence on him and how he thinks about things.
You need to see each other as a team and if you do decide to do the test to shut them up, go together as a united front and tell them to back off and stop gossiping about you, your children and your family. Good luck!
I don’t think either of you are AH but his family is. He is trying to put a stop to it in a definite way that can shut them up. He apologized before he even asked. I think do the test, and reveal it to the family to make them look like the A H they are
I think it's crazy how when these things we all have(GENES!) show up and the baby doesn't look exactly how someone thought it should look, it's time to question the wife's fidelity. I would get the test, OP, for both kids. It will help settle any future child support disputes. And as soon as the tests came in, I would serve him divorce papers. He does not trust you, his family doesn't trust you and insults you, and he does not stand up to his family and defend you or his child. You deserve better. He may also be projecting his own infidelity....good luck OP.
Why not do the ancestry test and see what percent is Irish or Scandinavian? If you all do it, it’s a paternity test but also a bit of fun. Hopefully there won’t be different parentage on your husbands side.
I am definitely my father's. I look like a lot of my cousins and am my grandma's mini me. Only problem is, both my parents had dark brown hair and eyes as did my brother. I have copper red hair and greenish eyes. Genetics can be weird. My mom's father had some redheads in the family
His correct response to his family should be that, yes, he will get a paternity test. But when, not if, it comes back positive, he’s cutting them off. They don’t get to see/talk to you, him, or either of his grand kids. They get one chance to rescind their request after hearing the conditions.
And if they continue questioning his paternity and/or your faithfulness to the marriage, they’re done.
NTA.
NTA for being upset...
BUT, and I like to emphasize that I was a cheater, I understand his sentiment, especially when his own family is putting these thoughts in his head.
Yes, it's a him problem, yes his family is way out of line, especially when there is absolutely no indication on your side of being even remotely suspicious. And yes, I understand that it hurts.
Problem is that, if he starts to dig into that rabbit hole, he will realise how common cookoo children are especially in military relationships. So, from his perspective he can't find reassurance anywhere outside himself and you.
Of course he should trust you. Of course this trust should be unconditionally. But it won't be. Talking to military buddies will pull up the story of the private/sergeant/lieutenant from 3rd battalion who came home to a pregnant wife/GF after a tour in wherever and the baby was black/white/yellow/green while he and said woman were not.
Reddit is full of these stories, too. The coworker, best friend, neighbour...
Then history. Too many a king had his heditary line broken. It's a trope so common that they used it in braveheart.
Not saying that he is right in asking for it. But I get his reasoning.
Stories are abundant all over the place.
I understand that his question is hurtful. But it comes from a place of fear in him. And while you are understandably upset he is also in a very uncomfortable situation. Believe me, the mockery he will receive if he opens up about this to anyone, be it cruel or playful, is mind boggling.
If you look on here you will find a lot of stories about it. And with both results, depending on the situation. Most of them end on a break up, either because the child is really not his or the mother can't get over the missing trust of her own partner.
Maybe if you and him look into it from the perspective:
Since the dawn of mankind women knew who the father was most of the time. Men always had to trust in their partner every single time. And since the dawn of time women used that trust against them. Not all, most likely only a small fraction but it happened and still does.
Today for the first time in human history men are in a position to actually be able to verify that trust.
Maybe it helps to look from a more distant perspective. He doesn't mistrust you as his partner. He mistrusts his own mind movies and society's view on the matter.
Hope you and your husband will find a way through this trying time.
He’s lying about his reasoning. He clearly thinks the kid might not be his even if his family makes jokes about it and is using it as an excuse. No anybody who wants a paternity test to prove DNA relations, DOES NOT trust the other person. Roles reversed and your family said he’s not the dad would you get a paternity test to “shut them up” if you were 100% confident the kid was his? No you wouldn’t
Red hair is a recessive gene. Both my brother and I had red hair, yet my parents were brunettes. It can usually be traced back to a previous generation. I would get the test and then go no contact with his horrible family. You and your kids don’t need that shit. Oh, and ask your husband how proving your daughter isn’t his would “help” her in any way? Ask him to be specific.
You can’t control what someone else does. You can only control how you react.
You can allow this to simmer away angering you and poisoning your relationship. You can leave. Or you can you can be satisfied that your husband will have his satisfaction when he receives the results of the test.
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NTA he needs to learn to defend his wife and kids. his side are acting like AHs and he should not even listen to them. it’s none of their business. and you’re right that even a paternity test isn’t enough to stop drama stirrers.
He’s told them before that he doesn’t want them talking about this, but this is just how they act and he doesn’t like it when I bring up that they are assholes. When I brought that up tonight, he said that they are family.
Family don’t have a right to know every single thing and break boundaries. If you get the paternity test maybe he should’nt even share the results with them. So they learn to keep their nose out.
And if he really trusts her like he says he does, he should just say he did it. Not even really do it.
This!!!!
Either that or be spiteful and vlast the results on Facebook as well as an explanation of why. Jut put their business in the street about how theirnpast cheating is messing with their son's relationship. Yes I know this is lot. lol
I was thinking the opposite, invite everyone over for afternoon tea and serve a cake with an icing image of the results of the test.
Yes, let's start a new trendy trend, paternity reveal party!
I reaaaaallly like this.
Every time he comes home from a military excursion, ask how he'd feel getting an STI test before any relations. Not like there is any test to ever prove he has been cheating UNLESS he is unsafe and gets an infection.
This! So much cheating goes on in the military. And tell him you aren't suspicious, but your parents are, and it would shut them up if they could see the results.
This is beautiful. Make it seem like they already asked but you defended him, and if we were on parent appeasement, then best appease both.
Bingo.
I think that’s a fair requirement, as well.
His family consist of a known cheater (his mother), so are just projecting.
They both cheated on eachother
Omg even better 😂! No wonder theyre projecting like there’s no tomorrow!
Tell him you want to do a 23and me for all 3 of you. Let's see if his family still wants to talk about your daughter afterwards.
I would love to be a fly on the wall when they do
An AH family. That are projecting hard (him included). Does he really want to lose the family he's building for them? Perhaps he should think more about it. (Sorry, not helpful I guess, but I'm seething about what they subject you to).
He is shitty at defending you and your (both of you) family. My sister and I did not look alike at all. We also didn’t really look like either of our parents. I had blond curly hair and blue eyes growing up and my sister had blond straight hair and green eyes. My parents had black hair and brown eyes and brown hair and green eyes. So yes, we got asked a lot if we were siblings (by people who did not really know us, not by family members). But that is the trick of DNA. Somewhere in the mix can be a certain string of DNA that brings out specific things in someone’s looks or personality. As an adult I look a bit more like my family from dad’s side. One of the daughters of his nephew looks a lot like me. Which is funny because my dad’s nephew is a copy of my dad. And my curls and blue eyes are from my mom’s side (aunt has curls but different ones and grandfather, aunt and a few niblings have blue eyes). My sister kind of is a blond version of my mom, now that we are all adults. There is a story of an Irish (I believe) family with twin girls. One is beautifully pale and has red hair. The other has more of a beautiful darker skin and brown curls. They both share some DNA (and the womb) but their DNA has such a different outcome. DNA isn’t taking it from two person’s and then creating a perfect mix of both parents. The DNA comes from a long line of ancestors and it creates a mix of genetics from those ancestors. Like the red hair of your child OP. Both parents need to have that certain gene to create a child with red hair. Sometimes you see brown haired men with a red beard. Most likely they have a part of the red hair gene but because they only got it from one of their parents they are not fully red haired. But if both of the parents have that gene then the child inherits two.
My sister and I looked nothing alike as kids. As seniors we looked enough alike that sales clerks mistook each other for the other. I’d see my reflection in a store window and think it was my sister.
That is funny! My sister and I still don’t look alike. But we have the same voice. And the same kind of humour.
"That's just how they act" is his excuse for not standing up to you. He picked his family.over you. When he asked for a paternity test, he all but accused you of cheating. You have a right to be angry, NTA. Consider that they, and he, will never change.
You are his family now, you and your children. He should just shut it down. He wants to take the easy way out.
Are you not family?. He needs to choose what family he wants to please, make happy and live with.
His family are AH's. I'd encourage him to get the paternity test in case this has been eating away at him, but I'm not sure I'd forgive this. At least a paternity test would stop damage to his relationship with his daughter even if it wrecks your relationship with him. I'm sorry you are bringing another child into this godawful mess.
I think it's important to consider that **he himself knows firsthand** how awful and painful it is to be a child doubting your parentage and suspecting you're illegitimate. So he knows that his family is a bit assholish in this sense, he's asked them to knock it off but they won't, and your daughter is soon old enough to start understanding what the jokes insinuate, and will experience the same pain and trauma he went through. This alarms him. So the choices are **a)** cut off his side of the family from the daughter's life over some improper jokes, which he refuses to do **b)** try to reassure the daughter that they're just joking and that she should just trust mum like dad does, which won't remove the doubts completely, and leaves a possibility for that same pain and trauma **c)** get the test done so you can *prove* to your daughter with evidence that she's his, which will annihilate all doubts immediately and reassure her 100%, eliminating possibility for trauma C) is the easiest and least harmful and dramatic way imo. My guess is that your husband is thinking about how much *he* would have loved to have such proof back when he himself was doubting if he's illegitimate. If you don't want to mention to the in-laws you had the test done because that's private and they'd "joke" about it, that's ok, but it could be good to have it at hand for when the discussion with your daughter comes. I understand it can feel hurtful, but imo *protecting your daughter from trauma should take precedence* here, especially since it's not about him distrusting you, but wanting to reassure your child and protect her from the pain he felt. His own trauma is probably really influencing him here. I know Reddit is very quick to recommend cutting people off and severing relationships over almost any conflict, but it's an extreme measure, and a child benefits from having extended family in their life, if they're otherwise ok aside from the ribbing. Your husband doesn't want to cut them off because they're family, besides. I honestly believe he's thinking about your daughter's feelings here, rather than doubting you. As for all the redditors suggesting you should divorce him for trying to both shield your daughter from trauma and keep his family in your lives, that's over the top extreme - and will also hurt your daughter, if he's a good and loving father.
His family are basically saying you're promiscuous. Cut them off.
Family.means nothing if they’re trying to ruin his life, they don't care about him
Are you not family? Is your daughter not family? Where the fuck are his priorities? Who is he looking out for? This "man" is a cluster fuck of contradictions. The fact he pulled the family card in defense of them but not for you makes me wonder why you haven't left his shit ass. He sounds like a good for nothing.
BuT tHeY'rE fAmIlY! So what? My family is full of assholes, too, they don't get a pass just because we're related
Some of the biggest assholes you'll ever deal with ARE family.
YOU and your CHILD are his immediate family now. That’s how marriage works.
So ... Your husband should be shutting this down with his family. Sounds like you know that. But he won't change. Unless *maybe* something happens involving your kiddo/baby in the future (e.g. they do or say something in front of one or both of them that even your husband thinks crosses a line). Have you thought about/talked about what happens if/when family says inappropriate things in front of your kids? By the time they're 2-3 years old, they might not fully comprehend what they hear, but they absorb (and often repeat) it. Sounds like the family thinks the "joking" about paternity is fine to do, so they might continue as the kids get older. Hopefully your husband can get on board with firmly telling them to stop if they do it in front of the kids (and having consequences... Like not spending as much/any time with them if they insist on "joking".) Good luck. NTA. Your husband is, though, for asking for a paternity test and he'll be double the AH if he follows through with it. Either he is lying and really believes his family that he might not be the father, or he can't stand up for his wife to his own shirt family. I sure wouldn't want to have kids with someone like that.
Just an idea: he should say to them, "fine, we will get the paternity test, but when you see that it's my child, you will never ever see me or our children again." They will either back off or you get rid of them.
Or learn how genetics works.
OMG right? This is basic high school biology. The gene for red hair is recessive. Sheesh.
And what happens with the next one? A test for that one too? They're just going to keep inventing new tests and new wedges to drive between you. Eventually one of them will stick, because he's allowing them to get into his head. Either he's got your back, or he doesn't. And here's a tip: if he does that test, he doesn't. Love without trust is just lust in a nice coat.
NTA. This is a major trust issue, of course you are hurt. Also, a kid can have red hair, even if the parents do not, due to recessive genetic traits. His family sucks for making him doubt his paternity.
He absolutely loves our daughter and has always defended her and me as far as paternity which is why it hurts. I honestly don’t know if I’m making a bigger deal out of this then it should be.
His family didn't make him doubt paternity. He doesn't trust her, or else he would have shut his family down and established a boundary. His doubts were already there. They just gave him the confidence to ask her for the test.
Believe me, his family did make him doubt. They planted the seed. His family history plus his profession is screwing with his conscience. It is easy for outsiders to tell OP that he is the AH for not trusting her implicitly. But that sentiment completely ignores the effects of other people speaking to him and futhering doubts. Sometimes in jest, sometimes maliciously. Doesn't make any of it easier, but condeming her husband is dismissing a much more complicated situation. Doubts, once sown tend to fester. That is a sad reality. And don't ignore statistics. Nearly 50% of relationships experience infidelity at one point or another. All that is not helping him. And in turn he hurt his wife. It's a brutality shitty situation for all of them.
If I was asked for a paternity test, I think it would end my relationship. I don’t think you are overreacting.
You are absolutely not. He's being a selfish dick.
My dad is blonde, my mum has dark brown hair, I am a redhead (dark red, maybe auburn is the right word). I would be so hurt if I found out my dad had questioned his paternity due to my hair colour. Red hair is recessive and not all families with red head kids look like the Weasleys. Most red heads that I know have one or both parents with other hair colours.
I have red hair and no one else in a couple generations had had it on either side of the family. It's recessive and I am very much my dad's kid and my mom would have murdered him if he'd had the audacity to ask for a paternity test.
My parents had dark hair, and had 7 kids: 3 with really red hair, 3 with dark hair, and one who is still blond in her 60s. So there. (And no question that my mom cheated.)
Yep, I have one with red hair. No one in the immediate family has red hair though I think my great granny had auburn hair and my husband has some second cousins with red hair. Recessive genes are fab!
Came here to say this! My best friend came out with red hair and still has it- so does her sister and she has a different dad. No dad's, no mom has red hair. Just the moms great grandma.
I don't think I'd do the paternity test unless it were accompanied by a lie detector test in which your husband answered a variety of questions about whether he's cheated on you in any way since the moment of your engagement, and whether he's touched another person in a sexual or romantic way while deployed. (Or when not deployed...) Oh, come on, I know he'll be so angry when you suggest it, but after all, it's only to get your parents off your back. And think of all your psychological issues of doubt and anxiety given that you married a man whose parents cheated; surely he wants to put your mind at ease that he hasn't followed suit. Not to mention how much the lie detector test will help your daughter! I'm not kidding. No lie detector, no swab. NTA
Lie detector tests are total pseudoscience.
Of course they are. But that's not the point.
Yeah the husband could be projecting his own behavior.
I honestly don’t believe he cheated. I do believe he loves me and wouldn’t do that but this is a funny idea
I think actually getting a lie detector test is overkill, but I kinda like the idea of him telling his family you asked him to get one while you get the paternity test.
You keep saying this, but he doesn't actually trust you. If he did, he would defend you and he wouldn't be asking you for this? Plus, he is the one with the family history of cheating. There are plenty of reasons to believe that this is all projection on his part - if you look at this without bias.
What is love without trust?
I wouldn’t be so sure, this has projection written all over it. Definitely don’t rule out that he’s cheated on you.
"Honey, I love you, but my family told me there is a chance you might be a cheating wh-re. So, you see, my hands are tied. To prove to us all that your are an honest woman, you will do this easy test, and then we'll staple the results to the townhall bulletin board to shut people up. I might even take you out for for sushi to celebrate". I really don't see how a relationship bounces back from something like this. Once the trust is gone, it will never come back. If this happened to me, I would have two thing on my immediate agenda: 1) schedule a visit to the clinic to do the test to put my partner's mind at ease, and 2) -schedule an appointment with a lawyer to initiate the divorce proceeding.
I busted out laughing at this so thank you. Definitely going to try therapy but I don’t think we are hitting the divorce area yet❤️
That’s bc you’re 20 and don’t have enough life experience to see this for what it really is. You need to decide if you should have more kids with this man. DEFINITELY stop after the second one and get a job. Start saving for an exit fund so you can get out.
You need to start thinking about this. He accused you of cheating and having another man's baby under the premise of it being his. This is DISGUSTING. You're NTA but you're coming across has so naive it's terrifying.
I just want to send you lots of hugs, and congrats on being pregnant, hopefully you manage to keep it stress-free. Also, I spoke too fast: I just realized that you may have to stay away from sushi while pregnant.
Yeah then that paternity test will come on handy for child support!
This! Provide a copy of the paternity test with divorce papers. Make sure you emphasize the father feeling that the kids are not his to emphasize potential mental illness or emotional abuse - this is not healthy and should be recorded/considered. Make sure you get a paternity test after the second one is born too. And clean him out. Just to note that if the family treats you this way, they will be just as bad with your children. This whole family sucks.
Yep
THIS THIS **THIS.\^\^\^**
Why does he feel the need to get a paternity test done???
He says it’s because he wants his family to stop talking about the fact that she has red hair and neither of us have red hair. That’s literally it. They have made many comments saying she looks exactly like him except for the red hair. I know most of them are joking, but it bothers him to bother me, but I know she’s his.
My mother is a blonde. My father had very dark brown hair. I'm a redhead. For a long time, the only one in either side of my families. A great grandparent on each side was a redhead, I lucked out on the genetic lottery!
My mother and grandmother both have brown hair. But my grandmother's mother (great-grandmother, I know, just trying to clarify the line there) had red hair, and most of my grandmother's side of the family does too. I look like I just have brown hair too, until I'm out in full sun. There's a LOT of red in my hair! And I was blonde as anything when I was born. TLDR this husband is a dummy.
This is basically how we, two very boring brunettes, ended up with a kid with flaming auburn hair. Lucky kid! Not one person ever questioned the kid’s paternity though. Because that’s weird.
If you absolutely know she’s his and there’s no chance of her being anyone else’s then don’t get the test done. I feel like getting the test done will give them all reason to believe you slept with someone else. Why get the test if you never did.
That is exactly what I was trying to explain to him. that it doesn’t matter whether we get the test done because if we do, they’re still always going to talk about that.
Honestly that sounds like a no win situation. Can I ask a question? How has this impacted your relationship and intimacy with him? I feel like it would drive a huge wedge between us if it was me. I don’t know how I could get so intimate with a man after all that
If you get the test done, give him the results along with divorce papers. No joke.
My question is what will be the next thing his family pressures him to do? He clearly cares more about what they think than you.
And why can't he tell them he wondered about it too, had a paternity test done, and it showed he was the father. If he trusted you like he says, no need for a real test. A simple white lie to get them off his ass would largely suffice. NTA, not even by a close margin.
I would tell him that you’ll only get the paternity test for child support. Nta
He's that weak he can't stand up to his cheating parents? Has he or they been watching those stupid videos on how men are raising "children not their own"? Does he understand *nothing* about biology? Because he is telling you *he* thinks you've been unfaithful. He and his family are the AH you are NTA. I'd be serving him divorce papers as well as the DNA test.
You and your husband need to sit down and talk this through. He should have stuck up for you with his family and shut down the adultery jokes and I think you could have listened to him more to understand if this is because he doesn't trust you or if he genuinely believes it's the best way to shut his family up. Maybe have a discussion with hubby and lay down how you're feeling, let him tell you how he is feeling and lay down ground rules for the future of the situation. Such as once the paternity comes back positive, if the family makes any more comments you will cut contact. Hubby can see them but they won't see you or your daughter of that's how little they think of you.
Tell them to look up ‘Gregor Mendel Punnett Square’ instead.
Omg came here to say this. Thank you! Tell me you know nothing about genetics without telling me you know nothing about genetics.
Maybe buy him Prince Harry’s memoir. Families can take it hard when they get an unexpected ginger. 😂
His family is fucking stupid. Red hair is a recessive gene. Basic high school biology. I'm sorry this is happening to you OP...stupid in-laws who project their own insecurities upon you is a lot to deal with.
But you said both your parents came out with red hair that faded... My niece and nephew both came out with flaming red hair that my brown haired brother and blonde haired SIL don't have, guess what? My brother's bio dad had some red in his hair! Also they are both in their teens now and still have that red hair. You don't necessarily always get genetics 100% from your parents. It's called heredity and genetics because it is passed down throughout the generations. Your in-laws just need to stay the heck out of it and your husband needs to stop listening. If they can't just accept it then they don't have to be around it.
What am I missing? If they're saying she looks exactly like him except for the red hair, they're acknowledging that she's his. Seems to me that HE'S the one having doubts about his paternity. I'd tell him that you're willing to do the paternity test as soon as his parents do a paternity test on him. (After all, they're the ones with a history of infidelity). Additionally, let him know that while you're willing to get the test, you'll be giving him the results along with divorce papers. I'm sorry, but this level of distrust and disrespect is completely unacceptable in a marriage.
I can tell you now. If he does the test it proves he’s the dad you are going to hold resentment towards him forever for not trusting you more than he needs to prove something to his family that he either deep down knows is true or he doesn’t trust you. This isn’t going to end well. All Reddit stories like this have ended badly that I’ve seen.
And the ILs will say "See? She was unsure as well!1!1!!"
He keeps saying that he does believe she’s his and that he is just doing it to get the family to shut up
I think it’s still very degrading of him to even be willing to supply the family with receipts that you have not had sex with another man to shut them up. He should *tell* them to shut up, or tell them to take a 10th grade level science class to learn about how recessive genes work. How would your husband react if you asked him to get an STD test for him to show to your family, because they’re trying to convince you he’s swinging D around town and they think he picked something up?
His family just needs to shut up because you all have asked them to. Do you want people like this around your daughter? Do you want her growing up hearing people say her mom cheated on her dad? She’s almost old enough to start understanding what some of this means. I think people are too quick to cut family out of their lives but I think this is a situation where you start doing just that. Your husband needs to learn to support you.
What else is he going to ask you to do to prove yourself to his nasty family? Why are you and your daughter being forced to jump through degrading hoops for people who cheated in their own marriage? Why should you have to prove anything to them? Why can’t he prove he is a grownup who isn’t going to be bullied by his parents?
Here's the thing though: If the family only believed she might not be his, you could indeed end this discussion with a paternity test. But they also (necessarily, logically, edit: by which I don't mean justifiably) think you may have cheated. There's an easy way to prove you cheated if your daughter isn't his (or with a condemning photo or text message or whatever). But there is no way, NONE, to prove you DIDN'T cheat. You can't prove your innocence to them. They will never trust you. In particular since they're the type of people who do cheat.
I would agree to the test as long as he agrees to see a therapist for 10 appointments regarding his trust issues.
Good one!
This is the answer.
This should have more upvotes
He should be angry at the lack of respect his family shows both of you. NTA
Yes. This is not a “let’s put the burden of proof on my wife even though I know there’s no issue” situation. This is a “this is your final warning to never bring it up again or you will be making a swift exit from our lives” type of deal. Their daughter is 1. It won’t be too long before she is able to understand comments like this and they will seriously mess her up.
You need marriage counseling. Seriously. You got married extremely young and now you are pregnant a second time at age 20. Neither of you has fully separated from your parents yet. His parents’ opinions should have no influence whatsoever. His family sound like bullies. You’re going to need to work really hard on your self-esteem and sense of identity to not get bowled over by them. And being married to someone who sides with his parents over you will cause endless problems. Try to get back in the workforce as soon as you can bc you’re going to need that self-confidence and independence.
Seconding this and I’m glad someone said it. Yes, you’re both adults building a family together, but EXTREMELY young adults, married with one kid and another on the way before either of you can even rent a car without an extra fee? Your sense of self is still developing and will be for years to come, and I commend yall for trying to do that and grow together as it seems you intend to, but you cannot do that in a healthy way for your family if you don’t have an impartial third party like a family therapist that is not preying on both of your insecurities (his about his own paternity, what sounds like your own about what this request might reveal about his trust in you) to sow drama and division to derail that growth.
I’m a redhead. My mom is olive complexion. All of my grandparents have black hair and tans. It’s the creeper gene. I have a friend who’s Italian. His family reunion picture looks like the cast of the Godfather. He’s a redhead. Anywhere there’s a river in Europe you’ll get redheads thanks to the Vikings.
NTA. He doesn't trust you. If it was me, I would let him have the test for the sake of the kid. When it came back that it was his child, I would divorce him so fast his head would spin. The second he asked me for a paternity test, we would be done.
Frankly I can’t imagine feeling any other way than horrible. It’s the ultimate accusation. And I also think somehow it’s says there may be a seed of doubt that’s kept him or his dad from fully embracing your daughter. But I’d sure feel good putting the results in from of him. NTA
NTA let him do the test while you talk to a divorce lawyer. Spineless and shameful that he won’t stand up to his family.
Are his parents judging you and their son, by their own standards? A lot of dark haired people can have the gene for red hair. Some grow red beards but have dark hair. Both myself and my children’s father has dark hair. My eldest son was born with red hair, which fell out over the next few months, he then had white blonde hair until the age of ten, when it started to darken. He has very dark hair now! The same happened to my next two children! I would ask your husband if he wants the test for his parents or him. If it’s for his parents, I’d worry how easily manipulated he is.
Yes! My brother has light brown hair but in his 20s started growing a beard and it’s red. None of us have any clue where it came from, but there is zero doubt he’s my dad’s. Genetics are weird and OP’s husband needs to grow up and shine his spine.
My petty ass would take the test. And leave a copy of the results in an empty house.
20 years old - one kid - pregnant again - he’s on the military. Why in God’s name are you ruining your life?
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This is such a stupid argument. If a man wants a paternity test on a child who's already born and to whom he has ready access, he should just take care of it himself without mentioning it to the mother. Problem solved. He can get his definitive answers, and she never has to know about it.
Honestly would have preferred that
NTA Do really want to stay in a relationship where you don't have the full trust of your partner? Being in the military he'll leave again. So you will essentially be a single mother anyway. Get the paternity test done so he can't dispute child support. Hand him divorce papers along with test results.
Against the grain, but NAH. You have every right to be super pissed. It would quite likely be a relationship killer for me. That said, his background is cheating parents- that's what he learned happens. He really needs counseling for this. Tell him to get a referral from his unit's shrinks for someone to talk to to work through this issue or he'll be just another military cliché. Also tell him if he's such a strong guy to do okay in the military, he ought to have enough of a backbone to tell his parents to STFU and defend the people he REALLY needs to be defending - his immediate family. If he doesn't have the cojones to do that, you have options to be single. And that there's also a reason that he just takes orders, since he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to stand up on his own. Sincerely, a female vet.
My brother came out with fire red hair. My dad was 1/4 Cherokee but descended from Scotland on his dad father’s side. Mom is pale with slightly reddish hair but mostly brown. My older sister, younger brother all have brown/dark dark auburn hair. Youngest brother and oldest sister have brown eyes like my dad, myself and my other brother have hazel eyes with mine being the lightest of the three. Mom has blue eyes. None of us have blue eyes because brown eyes are the stronger gene. Your guy needs a lesson in genetics. All this to say your guy is full of crap, HE wants a paternity test and is using his family as the stick that hits you until you submit. I’d have told him he could have his paternity test or he could have me. He can’t have both. She is his child. You are now pregnant a second time in the same relationship (way too young to be pushing for a second kid already, he probably wants to keep you too busy to think about leaving him) and the fact that he is questioning his daughters paternity means he’s doing the same with the baby you are carrying.
I would suggest that you paternity test both children. And also reconsider this relationship. This guy needs therapy to enforce boundaries with his family. You might wish to see if you want to have individual counselling to see if you want to stay in this relationship. He thinks you cheated, and I'm not sure there's any recovery from that.
NTA He doesn’t trust you and he allows his family to disrespect you. You don’t know how many other women he’s been sleeping with behind your back. The whole asking for a paternity test is crazy because he can just get one.
NTA, give him divorce papers along with the test. He isn't defending you against his family, he's not working through any of his childhood issues surrounding his parents, and he has essentially accused you of cheating. The lack of respect will only get worse.
Ask him for an STD test and get one yourself. Use condoms. He could be projecting his own behavior on you. Also—calling YOU manipulative is also projecting—maybe get counseling for yourself too. Don’t have another kid bc he pressures you to. You’ll end up trapped and dependent on a man who doesn’t trust you and won’t s controlling.
If he’s asking for a paternity test then his family are creating more problems than you are aware of at this time. They’re causing trust issues and creating a wedge. This won’t end here if you get a paternity test, this is just the start of issues your in-laws are going to test your marriage with. The best way to shut this down is for your husband to have your back and stand up to his family. Is he able to do this? Nta
NTA, what kind of man puts the kind of family that disparage his wife, and this what they are doing even if they claim "It is just a joke", before his own wife and child. He needs to step up and tell them they either stop what they are saying or they will be cut out of his life.
A paternity test isn't for "haha, she has different color hair, let's show them she's ours, it'll be fun", it's "hey, I think you betrayed our marriage vows and I demand proof that this is my child". I would never agree to that, especially not to shut his family up. If he's hurt by their "jokes", he needs to tell them that their comments are hurtful and they need to knock it off **now** - before daughter is old enough to understand what they're accusing his wife of. Shame on your husband for being so quick to want to satisfy his family, and dismiss you. NTA
This is and will stay a touchy subject, but honestly as a man I've done some absurd shit to help my significant others rid themselves of intrusive thoughts through the years. I think a cheek swab, and a 30$ test should be readily accepted if that's all it takes to help him defeat his own intrusive thoughts. Have him tell you not to think about something and see how well that goes. Now imagine that thought is something of this magnitude, and see how well it goes then. The situation sucks, but it is easily remedied by quick lab work.
On point... it's not necessarily a trust issue. "Intrusive thoughts" can be unrelenting, even in the face of absolute trust.
If he has unrelenting intrusive thoughts about his wife cheating, he needs a therapist not a paternity test. The test won’t stop those thoughts.
They are not going to go away because of a test then.
Red hair colouring is down to a recessive gene and so it could be someone generations back that passed it down. This isn't cool. Sounds like you both need some therapy and a way to learn some conflict resolution skills that allow you to communicat without throwing mud.
I would put mt husband out with the thrash if he ever asked for a DNA test tbh. Luck has it, he never has to as our daughter looks like a carbon copy of him.
I’d get paternity tests and then a divorce
NTA I know 1st hand that his family's doubts and portraying you as a cheater are hurtful, but if allowing ir agreeing for the test knowing youre innocent and your husband is the father will only be reinforced with the positive results. When my children's father asked for one, I actually laughed at him and told him to go ahead, as I had nothing to hide, but he would have to pay for it. His family and friends had been on at him since our 1st child was born, and whispering in his ear that I had cheated. I looked at as 2 fingers up at my children's father's family and friend, who became might quiet when irrefutable evidence was produced. They had no proof, mind you, bacause there wasn't any, because I was innocent and have NEVER cheated in any relationship. But he did!
I would give him the test. When the results come in, I would host a dinner party. And I would pass out copies of the results and also a bill for the test to the family members that started this drama. Then tell them to F off and tell your husband to man up and quit listening to his family members. Then you two go to marriage counseling.
NTA Me, personally I’d do the test, but I’d also leave him. Clearly your husband’s family doesn’t understand genetics, and he trusts his family over you. You can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust you, and he values his family over the one he started with you. Sorry OP.
"Okay, we will get a paternity test. But when it comes back that your are the father I want you to reduce / no contact your family as they are trying to break us up just because your parents cheated on eachother" I say that and then silently panic because I have boys and might have questioned the same thing, especially if she got pregnant potentially whist he was away 😅
I'm not going to lie, if my partner asked for a paternity test I would gladly give him one along with separation papers. I don't give a flying hoot what anyone else says or jokes. The only thing that should matter is the trust between us, and if there is no trust, there is no us. The only time I would say that a request for paternity test is fair is if the mother has been caught cheating at any stage of the relationship.
I’d get the tests done. Then sit his parents down and tell them that due to their own shitty cheating behaviour, we had these tests done that prove we aren’t shitty cheating assholes like the two of you and therefore we do not want to hear anything else again about our children’s paternity nor our marriage out of either of your shit filled mouths. I’m petty like that.
NTA Ah, young military marriage. I had a kid at 18, luckily my (now ex) husband wasn't in the military because that would have had a whole other layer. So, believe me when I say I don't mean to dog on you, or call you out for having kids young, be ause I've been there, done that, I'm in my 40's now and divorced after 18 years of marriage. I also have many family member and friends connected to the military. You two are young, very young. You both need some counseling both individual and couples. This is a long road to travel together and if it's already bumpy with 1 kid and another on the way it's just going to get bumpier. My guess is neither of you lived alone before you got married and BHA is a good raise for a new military guy, let alone adding some dependents. Your husband was wrong for asking for a paternity test. I'm guessing he thought, or has been persuaded by his family and military buddies that you cheated. I am the type of person who would get it as a 'fuck you' not necessarily walk away but out him on notice that this shit is unacceptable. You really need some outside support, not family, a non connected person like a counselor to help you will feelings or this is going to become an unholy nightmare
Hi yes I lived alone(well, with a roommate) before we lived together and we’ve known each other since middle school. This is legitimately the only large issue we have had. He gets out in literally a month lol
Well this is a giant problem. What is his plan after he gets out? Can this be related to the giant life changing event that's coming up?
If it were really to shut his family up, it’s none of their business and he would have told them so as an end to the whole conversation. The fact that he asked you to do it means he doesn’t trust you. So whether you get it done or not, your marriage is in trouble. NTA
NTA. OP's in-laws are the AH. Her husband's problem is that he is dealing with family being shitty, and he doesn't have the tools to cope. OP is dealing with the same behaviour from the in-laws, while also managing her husband, and the kid, and another coming - wow. OP: explain (over again, I suspect) that the problem is his family overstepping and being rude. HE needs to shut that down for your daughter's sake. She doesn't need to grow-up hearing about this. Everyone agrees there is a family resemblance: they are bullying for the sake of control. He needs to understand and confront this. It can't be a topic of conversation in the future.
You worded this perfectly, thank you.
I know a military family, for years, the wife promised her faithfulness despite looking unlike the other children. Husband did a dna test after a decade. The child was not his. If a simple test gives him peace of mind, given that he is often away, what’s the issue? I understand that you want trust, but unfortunately he may be surrounded by cases like the one I reported.
NTA but perhaps agree to the paternity test when his mother does.
I never understand why ppl are against paternity tests. Just take one what's the problem?
"Happy Father's day. I don't think this kid is mine." NTA but he is!
Info - yeah I mean you dont just get these tests for fun. There are obviously trust issues. So surface level, him bringing this up does seem like an AH thing to do But if he doesnt trust you - how are we to know if that’s baseless or not?
Neither my wife or I have red hair, but both of our kids do. It runs in the family. Genetics are not that simple. NTA
Get the test and shove the results down his throat.
NTA but i do think calmly asking him how he thinks his daughter will feel later in life when she finds out he felt the need to do this because you can be sure as shit his family will forever be mentioning it. The family living in his four walls are the only ones that matter.
NTA. So... There IS a genetic reason why your daughter has red hair. It's because your own mother has it. Sure, I can understand to a point why he wants it. And in the end it is just a test. But but insinuates infidelity on your parts which is very insulting no matter how one puts it. Especially if it has never happened.
Ask him and his father to do a paternity test at the same time. I know it's a bit scorched earth, but Jeezy Creezy Id push it back on his mother.
NTA He needed to shut his family down and if he doesn't your relationship is doomed as it won't end...and getting the test isn't the end, it the beginning of the end as you will always be resentful. What an awful situation, I'm really sorry you have been put in this position.
NTA!!! Sounds like he is projecting some of his own childhood stuff onto you. My husband (then BF) would say shit like that to me while I was pregnant, and it got worse after he to his family (they never liked me) about our baby. They kept telling him that she wasn’t his. One day he mentioned wanting to do a DNA test. Admittedly, I was extremely insulted. I honestly believe had he done one I would have walked away from the relationship. Call me dramatic, but that just goes to Show that you do not trust me. If you don’t trust me, then why are you with me? You know? Well, fast forward to the night she’s born. He was profusely apologizing. Not only did she look like him… I started questioning my own parentage because she looked NOTHING like me at all 😂 She has my eye color, that’s it. But hey, our second baby looks just like me so that’s nice! Anyways, your husband needs to start defending you. Also congrats!
NTA your in laws are totally invasive and clearly have an agenda.
Not to mention, your husband is violently stupid. He said something knowing it would hurt you over something he didn't even believe you did. He hurt you to benefit himself. Don't have anymore children. He's not grown enough to have one, let alone 2.
NAH. I'm of the thought that at every birth there should be mandatory paternity tests especially when you consider upwards of 30% of tests done disprove paternity. If it is made mandatory the whole you don't trust me excuse goes out the window. Paternity fraud is real and you don't want to be required to pay for someone else's kid. The courts have been clear about this with rulings handed down like "Even if you are not the biological father someone still has to pay for the child." Get the test!
>angry at him for wanting to help our daughter What help is any of this to your daughter, who is oblivious to the insensitive and disrespectful things her paternal family is saying about her heritage?
Look, he seems to have some traumas regarding cheating. Added to the fact that he is in a work environment known for spouse infidelity (military) and the constant pressure his family gives him, I'm pretty sure it's normal for him to be a little bit lost. If you want to help him achieve mental tranquility, there is no harm in doing the paternity test. Of course, you'll need to put some boundaries like he needs to accept the result, shut his family down if they continue with their comments and if he still has some trouble believing you, he'll need to start consulting a psychologist. Don't dismiss his feelings, he might not do that on purpose. NTA
You guys should ALL take an Ancestry test and connect with your third cousins because you need a new family support system. You will find out interesting things about your great-great-grandparents and make new friends along the way :)
Do the paternity test. And after the result is in, tell him that he needs to choose which family he wants in his life. That’s it. NTA
"Tell your mom I will do a DNA test on my kids if she does the same for all of hers."
If it were me I would agree to paternity tests on the condition that he cut off contact with his family completely for 9 months (symbolic period of time) for each test. As a way of warning the family that any more sabotage by them of your marriage will escalate to completely cutting them off forever.
Yes, yes, you are
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(20F) husband(21F) randomly asked for paternity test for our daughter(1F) Father’s Day started off with me telling my husband that I was pregnant again (he had been asking for another kid basically since the first one was born, lol) Today ended up being stressful, but we were ending the night on a good note I thought. Right before we got into bed, my husband said that a few things his family members had said over the phone when we told him we were pregnant again and bothered him.(they made jokes about him being in the field for a month since he’s in the military and that the baby might not be his) we are used to stuff like this since our first child came out with red hair and neither him nor I have red hair which is the main issue of this fight. He said “ I’m gonna say something that’s going to make you angry” and proceeded to say that we should get a paternity test for our daughter. His defense for this was that it would make his family shut up about it. I did get angry and told him that this was ridiculous that even if we got a paternity test, they would still be talking about how he obviously didn’t trust me and then our daughter, which is here about her paternity caused issues and was questioned. Long story short, we got very loud with each other and ended up mentioning things about our parents(one of his defenses was that his parents cheated on each other and he thought for a while he might not be his dads) he said that I was just being angry at him for wanting to help our daughter that it had nothing to do with him trusting me and that now he just looks like an asshole. I ended up telling him to just get the fu$king test done and he said fine and stormed out. He said something about me being manipulative and now I’m under the covers writing this and just feeling really hurt. AITA yelling? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He doesn’t trust you. The test is from him, don’t mind him about it being for his family. Also….get you a man that’ll defend you and his family and wouldn’t take people talking about his wife. They’re more attractive.
I’m going to start by saying that a woman never has to worry about knowing that she’s the bio mom. Fathers since the dawn of time have always had that niggling doubt. So if they hear enough people joking, or otherwise, question the baby’s paternity, then those niggles turn to true doubts. I know it sucks to be questioned about your fidelity, but if you can afford it and it shuts everyone else tfu, go for it. NTA for yelling, I get it. But putting on the brakes hard makes you appear to be hiding something.
F\*ck your "niggling doubts." Men need to learn to ejaculate more responsibly and choose better partners.
NTA. Sounds like projecting or being a coward toward his own family. He needs to get his shit together before that baby comes, and you need to decide if you can continue a relationship where your partner does not defend you to his family and/or does not trust you...
NAH. He clearly has issues regarding that which have been brought on by his parents, just do the test and say he needs to go to therapy for his trust issues so he can learn to not let his parents intrusive thoughts become his, hopefully that will shut him up about it in the future too. You aren’t wrong for being annoyed by it but not every partner is perfect you can use this experience to learn and grow stronger together rather than stay annoyed at each other and both end up single. Or you could just stay annoyed by it and break up both is fine. If you suspect he is projecting then say okay I’ll do the test and let me see your phone kinda thing, sounds like trust needs to be remade again it happens.
NTA Real “red hair” like a ginger required each parent to have the gene. My son is a ginger and each of us had great grandparents with ginger. No one in immediate family or cousins. Two siblings didn’t get it. It’s carried by a different gene than the regular hair color gene. I saw the results in my son’s 23 and me results. Interesting stuff! It’s a shame your husbands family didn’t just look it up and that they have his ear. You guys are young parents and imagine that perhaps they still have a lot of influence on him and how he thinks about things. You need to see each other as a team and if you do decide to do the test to shut them up, go together as a united front and tell them to back off and stop gossiping about you, your children and your family. Good luck!
I don’t think either of you are AH but his family is. He is trying to put a stop to it in a definite way that can shut them up. He apologized before he even asked. I think do the test, and reveal it to the family to make them look like the A H they are
ESH bc u both are very idiotic for marrying when u are clearly not in a state to be wed
I think it's crazy how when these things we all have(GENES!) show up and the baby doesn't look exactly how someone thought it should look, it's time to question the wife's fidelity. I would get the test, OP, for both kids. It will help settle any future child support disputes. And as soon as the tests came in, I would serve him divorce papers. He does not trust you, his family doesn't trust you and insults you, and he does not stand up to his family and defend you or his child. You deserve better. He may also be projecting his own infidelity....good luck OP.
How does happen to somebody every gd week.
No seriously make it make sense
NTA. Damn! I’d hand him divorce papers and tell him he can have his paternity test as soon as he signs them.
Why not do the ancestry test and see what percent is Irish or Scandinavian? If you all do it, it’s a paternity test but also a bit of fun. Hopefully there won’t be different parentage on your husbands side.
NTA... Set up the lie detector test and suprise him and his parents. Have everyone field some questions about their loyalty.
I am definitely my father's. I look like a lot of my cousins and am my grandma's mini me. Only problem is, both my parents had dark brown hair and eyes as did my brother. I have copper red hair and greenish eyes. Genetics can be weird. My mom's father had some redheads in the family
His correct response to his family should be that, yes, he will get a paternity test. But when, not if, it comes back positive, he’s cutting them off. They don’t get to see/talk to you, him, or either of his grand kids. They get one chance to rescind their request after hearing the conditions. And if they continue questioning his paternity and/or your faithfulness to the marriage, they’re done. NTA.
Every time a child is born, a paternity test should be administered. No choice.
NTA for being upset... BUT, and I like to emphasize that I was a cheater, I understand his sentiment, especially when his own family is putting these thoughts in his head. Yes, it's a him problem, yes his family is way out of line, especially when there is absolutely no indication on your side of being even remotely suspicious. And yes, I understand that it hurts. Problem is that, if he starts to dig into that rabbit hole, he will realise how common cookoo children are especially in military relationships. So, from his perspective he can't find reassurance anywhere outside himself and you. Of course he should trust you. Of course this trust should be unconditionally. But it won't be. Talking to military buddies will pull up the story of the private/sergeant/lieutenant from 3rd battalion who came home to a pregnant wife/GF after a tour in wherever and the baby was black/white/yellow/green while he and said woman were not. Reddit is full of these stories, too. The coworker, best friend, neighbour... Then history. Too many a king had his heditary line broken. It's a trope so common that they used it in braveheart. Not saying that he is right in asking for it. But I get his reasoning. Stories are abundant all over the place. I understand that his question is hurtful. But it comes from a place of fear in him. And while you are understandably upset he is also in a very uncomfortable situation. Believe me, the mockery he will receive if he opens up about this to anyone, be it cruel or playful, is mind boggling. If you look on here you will find a lot of stories about it. And with both results, depending on the situation. Most of them end on a break up, either because the child is really not his or the mother can't get over the missing trust of her own partner. Maybe if you and him look into it from the perspective: Since the dawn of mankind women knew who the father was most of the time. Men always had to trust in their partner every single time. And since the dawn of time women used that trust against them. Not all, most likely only a small fraction but it happened and still does. Today for the first time in human history men are in a position to actually be able to verify that trust. Maybe it helps to look from a more distant perspective. He doesn't mistrust you as his partner. He mistrusts his own mind movies and society's view on the matter. Hope you and your husband will find a way through this trying time.
He’s lying about his reasoning. He clearly thinks the kid might not be his even if his family makes jokes about it and is using it as an excuse. No anybody who wants a paternity test to prove DNA relations, DOES NOT trust the other person. Roles reversed and your family said he’s not the dad would you get a paternity test to “shut them up” if you were 100% confident the kid was his? No you wouldn’t
How embarrassing for him that people would know he doubts his wife and his family he has created so much he feels the need to get a paternity test.
Paternity tests should be mandatory
I would not be having that second child. Your husband doesn’t trust you. NTA. Get out of that marriage. He is a piece of work. Sorry OP!
Updateme
Red hair is a recessive gene. Both my brother and I had red hair, yet my parents were brunettes. It can usually be traced back to a previous generation. I would get the test and then go no contact with his horrible family. You and your kids don’t need that shit. Oh, and ask your husband how proving your daughter isn’t his would “help” her in any way? Ask him to be specific.
He. Doesn’t. Trust. You. Sorry.
Ask him why he felt the need to tell you he wanted one. He could have gotten it without you knowing. Did he tell you just to make you feel like shit?
You can’t control what someone else does. You can only control how you react. You can allow this to simmer away angering you and poisoning your relationship. You can leave. Or you can you can be satisfied that your husband will have his satisfaction when he receives the results of the test.
Sound like she cheating on him.